#this all makes sooo much sense in my head i promise. i swear im only projecting my pure o ocd a little bit

[maplemaplemaplemaplemaple]

maple wip !! because i don't know when i'll actually finish this. but i think a lot about sasha's attempts to suppress/detach himself from his childhood, possibly over struggling to forgive himself for the intrusiveness of reading his father's mind. and not to mention the ensuing intrusive thoughts + obsession for strict control over his mind.., waugh . go get an ocd diagnosis agent nein !!!

[4ngeldusstt]

Everything to me

A/N: its been sooo long ever since i wrote something, this is so bad im sorry but i hope yall like it even a lil bit <3 (if you have a request about kai send it!! Detailed please :c)

Warnings: swearing

Word count: 982

The sound of screams and things breaking woke you up from your peaceful nap on Kai’s bed, suddenly you felt how two of his followers were restraining your arms leading you to the basement “what the fuck let go of me you fucking shit” “i’ll tell Kai when he finds out he will kill you” the guy looked down at you laughing “he told us to do this i think its you who is gonna get killed bitch” you didnt understand anything, me? What the fuck happened? your anxiety was eating you up not letting you think properly. The second you came to your senses you were thrown in a middle of a circle, on your knees, you looked around inspecting your surroundings taking notice of everyone on the cult standing around, looking down at you.

Your eyes landed in the person standing right in front of you. Kai. His face distorted with rage and anger, “you fucking slut, out of everyone it had to be you. I gave you everything, i trusted you and you pay me back by rating us out.” His words came out carefully, filled with venom each word felt like a dagger to you. “I didn’t do anything, I can’t even get out of the house, I’ m being watched 24/7 I didn’t rat you out, it was not me.” Your words were clear and confident despite the fear that filled your body, you knew what Kai was capable of.

He was now at you level, sitting on his knees face to face with you, locking eyes with each other “baby, it was not me, you have to trust me.” You were desperate at this point “Why you y/n, WHY?” The sudden yell made you flinch, “I’ll have to kill you now, you’re making me do this y/n, I have no other option” his eyes filling with tears only you catching a glimpse of it before he blinked them off not wanting to look weak in front of his people, he was so in fucking love with you it pained him so deep inside just the though of you betraying him.

“If you are gonna kill me, do it knowing that I’m pregnant Kai,I’m carrying your messiah, your seed is growing inside of me right now, also do it knowing that I would never betray you, you’re everything to me Kai, please believe me, you have to trust me on this one.” You whispered so only he could hear, watching his face soften and change into a mix of surprise and excitement but you could still read rage on his expression. “Is that true princess? That you are carrying my child?” Princess.. the nickname you much adored, hearing that calmed you down a bit. “Yes Kai, I’m 9 weeks pregnant, I took 5 tests to be sure a couple days ago, I can take another one for you so you can trust me.” Kai just lowered his head and let out a shaky sigh as a response, you heard mumbling around you, but was silenced the second Kai stood up and paced around the room.

“Kai I found this in Winters pillow case” Ally said holding a small device on her hand “looks like a mic to me, maybe y/n is saying the truth and she was not the mole, Winter might me.” Kai’s glace changed again, this time towards his sister. He walked closer to her, holding the small item between his fingers “what the fuck is this Winter? You were going to make me kill my angel, my princess, who is carrying my child, making me think it was her when.. this whole time was you?” “Kai it’s no what it looks like I promise.” She said fearful “Boys, get rid of this fucking rat, lock her up i’ll make a visit later after i think what i’ll do with her.” He signaled his followers as they took her to a closet and locked her up, yells and cries for help where all that was heard as she was carried to the small space.

Kai let out a sigh, closing his eyes for a second before helping you get up from the floor and taking you in his arms, he held you close, right now you where the only person he could trust, not even his own sister, just you. “I’m so fucking sorry, please forgive me princess, I should’ve not doubted you, I’ll do everything in my hands to make a better world for you and our child and to protect both of you from any harm, I promise you that. I love you.” He whispered softly in you ear as everyone left the room, leaving just the two of us. “I forgive you Kai, I love you more than anything, thank you for trusting me, I got your back, I got you.” “I know.” He whispered back placing a loving kiss on your lips, enjoying the feeling of his arms around you, making you feel safe. Thats what he was, even after all, he was your safety.

[miyagihawk]

why’d you only call me when you’re high? pt. 2 | eli “hawk” moskowitz x reader

part one

here’s part 2 by popular demand! based off the arctic monkeys song and amazing request by @deadbeatharlz <3 thank you guys for the support on part 1 im so happy you liked it :)

warnings: self harming behavior, LOTS of swearing, alcohol and drug abuse, sooo so angstyyyy buckle up

summary: it’s been 3 months since your last night with hawk, and you haven’t been yourself.

word count: 3,062



The past 3 months have been rough. Maybe the worst you’ve ever been. You fell into the deep hole that you dug yourself. The hole of loving Hawk Moskowitz.

You never thought you’d be one of those people who let unrequited love devastate their whole being. In fact you always thought the whole heartbreak thing was pathetic and melodramatic. Until it happened to you.

You hate yourself for letting him have this effect on you. But there’s a pestering voice in the back of your mind that reminds you: it’s all your fault. He didn’t ask you to love him. It’s just easier to blame him for your downfall.

Parties, drugs, alcohol. Sex with people you don’t even know. High on the same drug that compelled him to call you in the night.

You’ve become so desperate to forget him that you ruined yourself. It hurts your pride to be the whiny heartbroken girl who let a stupid boy’s rejection shatter her self worth. But the hole is too deep and there’s no hope trying to grasp onto the dirt walls to get out.

The worst part of it is that he sees it all. At school, (if you even go) he looks at you like the scum of the earth as he passes by with his little karate gang. When you end up at the same party, he’ll have a disgusted expression on his face and leave as if he can’t bare to look at you. 

Tonight is one of those nights, and you watch him from across the backyard as he goofs around with his friends. He hasn’t noticed you yet, hence why he’s even still here and not on his way out the door to get away from you.

“If you stare at him any longer, I think he’ll shoot up into flames,” your best friend Robby hands you a cup, and you don’t hesitate before downing its unknown contents. The burn in your throat makes you hum with content.

“That’s the plan,” you take your eyes of off Hawk to look at Robby. You gesture to his own cup in his hand, “Are you gonna drink that?”

“Easy there, Y/N. We got here 5 minutes ago,” he warns, but holds out the drink towards you anyway. Robby’s always been worried about you and your habits, but he knows how you can be when you’re told no.

You swallow down the drink in a few seconds, ignoring his remark. “5 minutes? I can beat my record!” you cheer sarcastically, and start walking to the kitchen in search of a keg. Robby follows closely behind you, a wary look on his face.

The fuzzy feeling starts to take over your body as you throw back drink after drink. It’s the buzz you crave every second of every day because it just makes you feel so good. Everything is happier and your cares feel so far away. Hawk feels so far away.

You sit on the couch next to Robby in your dazed trance, drunkenly rambling to him about random things. He glares at anyone who comes near you and looks like they would take advantage of you in your state.

Robby really hates you like this, but he can’t help but feel protective over you. He’s not even a fan of parties; he really only goes to keep an eye on you. You’re grateful even though you act like you hate it when he babysits you.

“Heyyy pretty Y/N! Want some?” Yasmine approaches where you sit, a joint held between her fingers. Her eyes are drooped and she sways as she stands.

You reach out to take the blunt, but you feel Robby push your arm down. “You’re already drunk. That’s enough,” he says sternly, making you roll your eyes.

“I can do what I want, Dad,” you taunt, and take the joint from Yasmine. Smoke fills up your lungs, immediately giving you pleasure. Robby just shakes his head in disapproval as the air around him becomes hazy.

“I’m going to the bathroom. Stay here,” he orders, getting up from the couch.

You nod, but of course, you don’t listen. The sound of splashing from outside sets off a lightbulb above your head and you feel like you’re floating while you walk to the backyard.

Right as you step out of the house, you make eye contact with none other than Hawk. He gives you a distasteful look like always, before turning back to his group. Asshole.

You just scoff and stumble towards the pool, where a couple is making out and a few people are drunkenly playing with the water like little kids.

Reaching the edge of the pool’s rim, you let yourself fall in with a splash. You feel the pressure in your ears start to build as you sink to the bottom. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re cross faded, but being underwater feels like a world of bliss.

The loud music of the party is muted, creating a sense of serenity. The legs of the other people in the pool make you laugh to yourself, sending bubbles from your mouth to the surface. It’s glittery and pretty and you want to stay forever.

You don’t know how long you’re under there for, but you don’t notice your lungs running out of air. It just feels good to be alone for a second. Next thing you know, you feel your eyes start to droop closed; a strange peace overcoming your body.

A loud thrashing noise in the water makes you wake up with a gasp. You swallow too much water as you feel someone grab hold of your arm. It’s all a blur and you’re being pulled up to the surface, taking you away from the tranquil world you were just in.

The music is pounds against your ears again and the air is cold on your skin. You feel your body being laid down on the concrete of the poolside, but everything feels numb. You just feel sleepy and you want to close your eyes again.

“Y/N, hey, wake up. Wake up,” a voice makes your eyes shoot back open. Someone is looking down at you, with a hand shaking your shoulder. Your vision is somewhat blurry, but the mohawk gives it away. It’s him.

You suddenly become aware of the large amount of water in your lungs and you turn over to your side to cough it up. After you get it all out, you notice the people at the party looking at you with eyes of pity mixed with judgement.

“What the fuck were you doing? You could’ve died, are you fucking stupid?” Hawk curses, but even in your inebriated state you can hear a hint of worry in his voice.

You sit up to face him. He looks angry; his clothes and hair are as wet as yours.

Maybe it’s the lack of oxygen in your brain, or maybe it’s the marijuana and alcohol, but you just feel the urge to laugh. So you do. Like a complete maniac. The way he probably just saved your life like he cares is sickly comedic to you.

His face twists in confusion as you break out into a fit of giggles. “Are you serious? You’re fucking insane, Y/N,” he gets up, shaking his head at you. He gives a glare to the people staring, and they look away in fear.

You think he’s going to leave like usual, but he surprises you by grabbing your arm to pull you up. People whisper amongst themselves as he drags you through the backyard, going through a gate that leads to front of the house. You trip over your own feet, still feeling dizzy from almost drowning, but he just pulls you along.

“What are you doing?” you ask, tugging on your arm to try and release it from the tight grip he has on you. You’re both dripping chlorinated water, leaving a track of drops on the concrete below.

“You’re going home Y/N,” he says sternly. You two arrive at his car and he opens the passenger door. “Get in.”

“Hey!” a voice yells from the house and you both turn to see Robby rushing towards the car. He looks pissed, and now you remember him telling you to stay put. Shit.

“Robby I-”

“Don’t get in there with him Y/N,” he says, sending a death stare to the boy next to you.

“I’m taking her home, Keene, so back the fuck off. Get in Y/N,” Hawk snaps, clenching his fists.

You keep quiet, not wanting to add to the fire already starting. They loathe each other; if not because of the karate rivalry, then because of you. To Robby, Hawk broke your heart and made you spiral. To Hawk, Robby is the piece of shit who he thinks is your boyfriend, and he won’t admit it but he’s jealous.

“You’re not driving her, asshole. You’re probably as drunk as her,” Robby reaches to take your arm, but Hawk pulls you back.

“You don’t know shit about me, Keene. I’ve been sober for three months, so yeah, I will drive her,” Hawk picks you up like you’re a doll, placing you in the passenger seat and closing the door. You don’t resist, you just feel tired and your head starts to pound as if the mix of drugs in your system are punishing you. The window’s down, so you can still hear the two boys loud and clear.

I’ve been sober for three months, his voice echoes in your head.

“Oh so now you care so much about her? It’s your fault she’s like this!” Robby raises his voice even more, starting to move towards Hawk threateningly. You begin to feel scared that a physical fight might actually break out, but you don’t know what to do.

“I’m not the one who almost let her die a few minutes ago, am I? Just fuck off, we’re leaving,” Hawk dismisses him, walking around the car to the driver’s seat. You’re surprised by his self control to not throw a punch, especially with his reputation.

“Robby, it’s okay. I just want to go home. I’ll call you, alright?” you reach your hand out of the window in reassurance and he takes hold of it. Hawk clenches his jaw as he turns on the engine.

“Promise you’ll be careful? I’m sorry I left you,” Robby furrows his eyebrows in worry. When he came out of the bathroom, someone filled him in on what happened to you and he almost had a heart attack.

“Promise. And it’s my fault,” you hook your pinky with his, before the car pulls out of the curb and separates you from your best friend. He watches you guys drive away, an anxious expression etched on his face.

The whole situation has sobered you up pretty well, and now you’re left with a throbbing headache, wet clothes, and awkward tension. You hate it. Being sober. You miss the foggy feeling that prevents you from thinking too hard about things. But now you’re inches away from the boy who broke your heart, all by choice.

You don’t know why you agreed to go with him, but did you even have a choice? You’re confused by his actions. He acts like he hates you but he jumps in a pool for you. He yelled at you but he’s driving you home. It all makes you overthink and it causes your head to ache even more.

You hold your head in your hands to try and ease the pain as Hawk drives quietly.

“You good?” he breaks the silence. His voice is softer compared to how he talked to Robby minutes ago.

“Head hurts,” you mumble.

“What were you doing back there? If I didn’t get you out, you’d probably be in the hospital right now,” he says. You peek at him through your hands and his eyes are on the road.

“I don’t know,” you sigh. “It was just peaceful. I didn’t really even think about breathing.”

He scoffs. “Well that’s just fucking stupid. You’re lucky I noticed you were under for so long.”

“Well thanks,” you reply quietly, feeling like a little kid being scolded.

There’s a couple beats of silence before he speaks, “What happened to you?”

The question makes you sit up and look over at him. “What are you talking about?”

“The old Y/N wouldn’t even touch a drink. You’re different,” Hawk taps his finger on the wheel in thought. His icy blue eyes quickly glance at your confused look before returning to the road.

“You happened, Hawk.” You pinch your temples in frustration. Anger starts to bubble up in your stomach at his criticism. At the mention of “old you”.

“I didn’t do this to you,” he shakes his head, as if trying to convince himself of his own words.

“You did,” you raise your voice, making him flinch. “You know it.”

“What, because I stopped sleeping with you? I didn’t make you fall in love with me, Y/N. You did that to yourself,” he spits, sending a knife to your heart and making you see red.

“You knew I loved you way before I said it. But you still stringed me along, didn’t you? You knew I would pick up everytime you called. You knew that I would let you into my bed because I was the girl who loved you no matter how fucking shitty you were!” you fire back, vomiting out words that you’ve wanted to say for months. The alcohol in your system makes you bolder than usual, but you’re grateful for it.

He’s at a loss for words at your outburst so you continue, “I didn’t ask for this Hawk. Loving you. I’m sorry that I’m such a burden and that you hate me so much that you can’t stand being in the same room as me. But please just answer me this and I’ll leave you alone forever. I’ll leave when we show up at the same party and I’ll even hide in the halls so you don’t have to see my face.”

You pause, choking on your words. You didn’t even realize that the car is already parked in front of your house and your clothes are halfway dry.

“Why don’t you love me?” your voice cracks as you spit out the question that has caused you to throw yourself away. The question with an answer that could dissipate your self worth in a mere moment.

Hawk finally looks into your glassy eyes with shock. He could’ve never anticipated what you asked him and his mouth runs dry.

“I told you, I- I don’t deserve someone like you loving me,” he swallows, but you shake your head.

“That’s not what I asked.”

He blinks slowly, trying to come up with an excuse. Any excuse, to avoid telling you the truth. You can see the inner conflict on his face, the panicked speed of his running thoughts.

“You should go home, Y/N,” he deflects, turning away from you. Putting on his mask to keep you from reading him like a book.

“I’m not going until you tell me,” you demand.

“Just get out of the car, fuck!” Hawk yells, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel. It makes you jump a little, but you’re too angry to fear the flames in his eyes.

“Why can’t you just tell me!” you fire back. “You came to me almost every night, so why do I feel something that you don’t? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me?”

“What do you want me to fucking say Y/N! That I do love you? Fucking fine. I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear? Just get out.”

I love you.

The same words you said that made him leave.

“You don’t even mean that,” you blink back your tears.

His voice is softer now, more gentle. “If I didn’t mean it then I wouldn’t have said it.”

“You said you needed me and then you left me,” your voice shakes and you hate how pathetic you sound.

“I-I didn’t leave you,” he stammers before taking a deep breath. “I left because you wanted something more than I could give you. I would’ve felt like a selfish asshole if we became more than just sex, Y/N. You deserve someone like Keene and yeah he’s a pussy but he’s good. Better than me.”

It feels like every piece in the puzzle is being put together. Everything makes sense. He does love you, but he was just afraid. He can’t be near you because it hurts too much to see someone he can’t have. Somehow, you can’t find the anger you’ve held against him for these past months; you just understand him now.

“I’m sorry, alright? For everything. For treating your feelings like shit. All of it.”

You swallow, thinking about his words. It all feels too much and the truth is now looking you in the eye, demanding an answer. You love him, but he dropped your heart on the floor for you to pick up every shard. Is one sorry going to magically fix everything?

“I- I don’t know what to say,” you admit, and he nods in understanding.

“You don’t have to say anything. Let’s just... move on. And you get better... I hate seeing you like this,” Hawk scans your red eyes and dilated pupils. “We’ll get to a better place and you and me, we’ll be good.”

It’s bittersweet, but he’s right. Being together now just because he loves you back would be a huge jump that would only end in broken hearts and toxic cycles. It would be foolish. As much as you want him, the only person who can fix you is yourself.

So it’s a meet up at the top of the mountain, when you’ve both made the journey from opposite sides.

“A better place,” you reiterate, before placing a light kiss to his cheek and leaving the car with a new sense of closure.

a/n: that was longer than i planned and a freaking roller coaster!!!!!!! im not sure if there should be a part 3? lmk what you think maybe it’ll just be short. but hehe i added robby into the mix he was so cute. ty for reading!

taglist for people who wanted part 2 :) ty friends for the support <3 @littlered6307 @deadbeatharlz @spiderman-berries @axastasiasstuff @r0-xie @estupidteen @hawkwhore @idkwhatishouldput4

[oftenderweapons]

Sooo, about the ask thing. First off all congratulations I love you and your writing 💜 you seem like such a nice, intelligent and funny person. But was thinking what if namjoon comes home drunk and guilty about something he did and vixen comforts him. Love u💋

Title: Drunk (&) In Love

Pairing: Namjoon x reader (nicknamed Vixen)

Wordcount: 2.6k

Genre: crack, fluff, (also, vaguely allusive)

Rating: 18+ cause THESE TWO ARE A MESS FOR EACH OTHER

Synopsis: apparently Namjoon's stag party went a bit too wild. Mostly since he was drinking guilt away. What could that possibly be about?

Trigger warnings: swearing, consumption of alcohol, horny!drunk Joon, he clumsily tries to seduce his fianceé in front of yoonjintae (second-hand embarrassment), stressing over vows, mentions of kinky letters, they discuss future and the fear of marrying young and pretty much out of the blue and they be mentioning the idea of having kids. Also, watch Vixen being the caregiver.

Author's note: Thanking the sweetheart @ironicarmy !!! I love exchanging WIPs and Beta reading! It was so fun and I AM LOVING YOUR WIP SO HARD IM GONNA EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can't wait for it to be out so I can fangirl in public LOLOLOL; also thanking @dopesportsoperatorzonk for this request! (I got your feminism ask, I promise I'm almost done, I wanted to have a quite thorough view before replying and I'm still thinking about some stuff, but it'll be readdy super soon!!!)

Here's my masterlist, btw, and enjoy 💜✨

You weren't supposed to wait up for him, but it was like your sixth sense was telling you to do precisely that. And your premonition turned especially accurate once you were met with the sorry sight of Namjoon hanging off Taehyung's and Seokjin's body, grinning as he saw you appear at the door, head to toe smitten, only to turn to his friends with a sneer as he realised you were wearing his favourite silk robe. The deep crimson colour seemed to spark the colour of your hair on fire, and make the lineaments of your face sharper, older, with a kind of allure he still couldn't understand. “Little fox,” he said, going grabby hands while his arms were still around his friends' shoulders.

You tried to keep your expression stern as you looked at the two men literally holding him up. “What is this? Didn't I tell you to bring him home whole and safe?”

Taehyung lowered his gaze to the floor.

“Is this your idea of safe, Seokjin? I expected better.”

“You know him. He did this to himself.” Yoongi spoke neutrally from behind the three.

“Yoongi. Him being a fucking grizzly doesn't mean he can hold his liquor. Bring him in,” you said, freeing the entryway for the triplet coming in, Yoongi in tow.

“We should have brought him to the dorms,” he muttered.

“Dorms?!? Aneeyo…” Namjoon babbled, shaking his head, falling with his ass on the sofa. “No babylove in dorms,” he said with a hiccup. “Hello, little one,” he purred, grabbing your hips and trying to pull you towards him.

You blushed and slapped at his wrists. “I'll deal with you later—”

“Feisty brat,” he spoke sultrily, making Yoongi shake his head while Seokjin and Taehyung snickered before being chastised by your scolding stare.

“How come he's drunk off his ass and the three of you are perfectly okay?”

“He's the one getting married,” Taehyung replied, matter of factly. “And yes, he was the one who swallowed a bottle of hard liquor without even flinching.”

You glance at Namjoon with a scornful expression.

He did some very drunk, very clumsy attempt at a wink that made you inhale as you desperately looked for a crumb of patient left.

“You'd better go home, before I smack you all on the head,” you said, shooing them off.

“You'd have to reach it first,” Taehyung muttered, making Seokjin giggle, Yoongi rubbing his face at the verbal violence that was about to come.

“Kim Taehyung. I may not be tall enough for your royal head, but your girlfriend is my best friend. I won't say much more because I'm sure your friends aren't interested in your ass getting bruised.”

Yoongi smiled smugly at that one.

“Hell yeah…” Namjoon chuckled from the sofa, one hand reaching for the back of your thigh.

“No. Not now.”

“Later then?” He asked with puppy eyes before they turned into a very tipsy version of his intense dragon glance. “You’re so sexy when you’re mean,” he rumbled, a hand reaching for your thigh underneath the robe.

“Kim Namjoon, if you don’t stop I will unwife you in this instant.” Still, the other three men in the room were a mess of embarrassed coughing and teasing snorts. “You can all go home right now,” you said with a curt tone.

“You’re not gonna be able to take him to bed by yourself.” Yoongi cocked an eyebrow as he spoke calmly.

“Mh, Vixen, take me to bed, please,” Namjoon murmured as he tried to seduce you, just as you looked at him and replied, “No need to take him to bed. He’s sleeping on the sofa tonight.”

“See? I told you she found out! She has a sixth sense for this stuff! She can sense it! She can smell fear! I told you!!!” Namjoon babbled, grabbing your wrist. “Little fox...” he cooed, making a fool of himself.

“Go home. All of you. Now.”

Taehyung was the first to leave without even saying goodbye. He knew he would pay for it. Seokjin was the next, saying bye to Namjoon very briefly before bowing to you — just slightly. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, goodnight,” he apologised, making his way out.

“Yoongi?”

He rubbed his neck. “I’m sorry. Really. I— I didn’t do my job.”

You shook your head. “This is a mess I’ll have to deal with.”

“You know you’ll kind of have to deal with him for the rest of your life, right?” Yoongi looked at Namjoon, head in his hands, fingers tugging at it nervously.

You followed his gaze, meeting Namjoon in the poorest of states. “I know. He’s my business now. Go.”

Yoongi left without much resistance after that, the door of your apartment finally shutting for good.

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon said, staring up at you as you stood before him. “I fucked up, I’m sorry.”

You placed your hands on his cheeks. “What happened, Joonie bear?”

He shook his head, lip going wobbly. “I’m so sorry!” he babbled again, eyes glossy with unshed tears.

“Oh, no, baby…” you managed to whisper before he dove for your lap, burying his face there. “What happened, love?”

He shook his head.

“Nothing’s gonna change the fact that I love you, big bear.” You caressed his hair as his voice confessed, half-muffled against your tummy.

“I sneaked a look at the dress.” You could hear his words coming out from a pout.

“Joonie—”

“Please don’t unwife me!” He cried out, his voice way too high pitched. “I don’t want to sleep alone ever.” He hugged your legs and held you closer. “I want to sleep next to you until I die.” He got even more emotional as he went on. “I want you to always pet my hair and tell me you’re proud of me and cook for me and be my sweetheart and my babylove and my little fox forever, even when we’re old and I get bald.”

You smiled and invited him to let go of your legs before sitting down, your legs slightly parted laying across the sofa. “Come here, big bear,” you said, patting your stomach. He did as he was told, laying his head below your chest and stretching his long body all over the seat. He struggled a little, his sense of balance temporarily worse than usual. “Soon I’ll be lawfully your bride. Forever. We’re almost there, honey. Just a week.”

He nodded.

“And then I’ll be your little fox until I’m nothing but ashes. And then some,” you reassured him, petting his lovely head, digging your fingers into the knots in his upper back.

“Writing the vows was so difficult.”

“I know baby,” you kept rubbing at his trapezoi until he released a relieved grunt. “I know that must have been really stressful for you.”

“I had to rewrite them sixteen times. Sixteen!” His hand absentmindedly reached your thigh and started rubbing small circles there. “Everytime, they were too long, or too cliché, or something I just couldn’t read in public because you know our letters.”

“I know our letters,” you confirmed, thinking about his messy handwriting on cheap paper, and entire sheets of words that he sent you everytime something important happened, everytime he had to travel for his job, everytime he just needed to make love to you on a deeper level. And then, thinking of your replies, always heartfelt, emotional, with fine calligraphy on expensive ivory sheets often marred with rough spots where a tear fell — most of the time because of joy and gratitude and obliterating, overwhelming love. “Will you read to me the other sixteen versions too, once we’re alone?”

He nodded. “I’ll read them all. I’ll write new ones every day. Small, simple, absolutely mundane. Stuff like, ‘I’ll do the dishes tonight’, or ‘Let’s go out for dinner’, or ‘I wanna grow old with you’ or ‘I don’t wanna watch that porn tonight, let’s just stare into each other’s eyes while naked and have the best tantric sex ever performed’.”

You chuckled and placed your hand atop of his. “I like the last one.”

“But I couldn’t say it in front of your parents, therefore I couldn’t write it in our vows.” He scoffed and shook his head before planting it between your breasts, nosing at the lapels of the robe until he could kiss your naked skin.

“I might have written something along those lines in one of my drafts.” Having this conversation with Namjoon while he was halfway drunk off his ass was extremely entertaining; however, you felt sad at the possibility of him not remembering this moment.

“What else did you write in that draft?” He closed his eyes, waiting for your soft voice to calm him down.

You smiled and slightly teared up at the thought, his chin propped on your chest, one of his thumbs reaching out to dry up a tear. “I wrote that I hope I get to make you smile every day and see that insanely cute and sexy dimple of yours every morning after you wake up. And I want to be the only one listening to your deep bedroom voice waking me up. And I want to listen to you as you talk to our children. I wanna hear all the stories, and watch your smile shine on their faces.”

Namjoon hid his face against your chest, feeling tears roll down his cheeks.

“I want them to have your eyes. I want to see your complete wonder as they learn about the world, as you teach them about the world in that grand and beautiful way you see it.” You sniffled and he cupped your face, kissing your lips so slowly, the heavy tang of liquor barely tainting the moment.

“I want to walk by your side, until we’re too tired to walk and watch time pass by, without worries, without haste. I don’t care where we’re walking because you were the place I was destined to be.”

Namjoon couldn’t explain tenderness or love or devotion or faith as deep as the ones he felt for you. He probably wasn’t skilled or trained enough.

“I know we’re young. I know this is more of a bet than an actual marriage. I’ve seen people who have been together for years part ways so easily and I don’t even know why you said yes to me. Sometimes I doubt I’m deserving and I see in how many ways I’m lacking and I ask myself, 'why the hell did she say yes to me?' ” He snickered sarcastically. “I wouldn’t have said yes to myself.”

You shook your head and kissed his brow.

“But I’ve been with other people and you have too and… I don’t know, sometimes I feel like this will take a lot of effort but then I hear you laugh, I hear you calling my name and I know, I can feel that that’s what it is supposed to sound like.”

You smiled at him, fixing your position so he could lay on you without worrying about smashing your body.

“I’m so confused and so grateful for this. It’s like… Suddenly winning the lottery. One minute you’re just a person and next you realise you’re going to be a husband. And you don’t know what’s going to happen to you, how your life is going to change, but with you I’m not scared.” He chuckled. “Well, I am. But you make me braver than my fears. And I know I could lose you any day. I could fuck up, or we could just drift apart or something. But any moment spent with you is bigger. It’s better and brighter.”

By now you were a teary mess, face drenched in tears, his arms around your torso as he held onto you. “My soul has found a home in you and I will cherish it. I’ll take care of that home. I’ll make sure nothing damages it. I’ll help you work on it if you want to change it. I will make more room when our family gets bigger. I will fix it when I can. I’ll stay by your side when I’m not skilled enough to heal you. To fix you.” He sniffled, voice hollow and weak as he spoke through a lump in his throat. “And I’ll leave if you ever ask me to.”

You shook your head and hugged him, letting him sob in your arms. “I hope I never lose you.”

“Don’t be a silly bear,” you comforted him, lulling him, holding him close to your heart. “I’ll be your bride. Your spouse. Your wife.” You kissed his head. “And your home. Your relief. Your dirty, secret affair. Your devoted companion too. Your goddess and your toy. I’ll be your friend. And the mother of your children, when we want to.”

God, if he wanted to… But first, he needed to enjoy having you all to himself for a couple more years. Just to make sure you hadn’t been both bold and immature and absolutely stupid about getting married almost two years after meeting for the first time.

“So I’m not getting unwifed for sneaking a peek at the dress?”

You shook your head. “It looks completely different once worn.”

“Really?” His expression exploded with euphoria.

You smiled. “Really.”

His drunken grin was back. “So I’m gonna sleep on the bed right?”

You acted as if you were even thinking about it. “You’re really drunk.”

“I’m soberer now.”

“And you embarrassed me in front of your friends,” you reminded him with a cocked eyebrow.

“Not my fault my wifey’s so hot,” he said with a slightly more accomplished wink.

“Not your wifey yet,” you reminded him.

He tutted. “Just a matter of days.” He kissed your sweet spot, on the side of your neck. “It’s only a technicality.”

You looked at him suspiciously. “A technicality, you say?”

He nodded and held you tighter.

“This technicality could still leave you at the altar, waiting,” you teased.

“Come on, I want to sleep next to you.” He kissed your cheek. “On our bed.” He kissed you again. “Where we’ll be making so many babies.”

“Stop right there, mister.” You placed a finger against his plush lips before you shook your head no. “No babies for a few years. I want you all mine, hubby.”

He chuckled and pressed his forehead against your chest bone. “Okay, fine, but I just meant hypothetically. You know, for practice.”

“Yeah, I think I could use some practice. I want to be perfect at it.”

He smiled and kissed your nose. If only she knew how perfect she is, he thought, haphazardly sitting up and waiting for you to help him on his feet, the whole discourse sobering him up enough that he managed to sit on the bench in the bathroom as you washed his face and brushed his teeth, as you undressed him and helped him in the shower, undressing and joining him, his body too tired and unstable to initiate anything fancy.

And then you towelled him up, rubbing body lotion on his always-too-dry legs before helping him in his boxers.

And through the process, he understood how it was that you loved him so much anytime he got you ready for bed. He should let you do this more often. Especially when he wasn’t exhausted or drunk, so he could properly enjoy being cuddled and fondled and babied.

What he didn’t expect was for it to feel so comfortable when you slid up against his back on the bed, spooning his ridiculously large body with your smaller one. “Sleep tight, big bear,” you said before kissing his nape. “Eight more sleeps and we’ll be married.”

He smiled. “Goodnight, little fox.” And with that, he caught your hand in his and fell asleep.

[dontbesoweirdkira]

Can you do a list of Mic being pure w/ his favorite student, (y/n) (like, he’s not afraid to show it), but she’s living with her friend and their family since she’s alone in Japan, and trying to keep it a secret. But when he finds out he’s just “ASDFGHJKLWHAT”, and he’s trying to help her with so many things, which soon evolves to “custody of child—”.

https://dontbesoweirdkira.tumblr.com/post/189518600672/hey-its-me-again-i-hope-you-are-still-open-for

A/N: I first would like to say I ALSO HAVE EATEN A NUCLEAR REACTOR...it tasted like radiation and strawberries yummy!  Here’s your soft present mic X student. I hope you enjoy.  

(I kind of made it where you aren’t fully living with your friend. Just bouncing from the streets to her house every so often if that makes sense??)Requests open

-So at first Mic didn’t notice anything was up...well no he did but he kind of brushed it off since he didn’t want to cross any boundaries.

-Like when he asked for your parents signature but they were always somehow “out of town” or “working overtime” 

-Or when he was going to offer you a ride home since it was pretty late but you just insisted to walk by yourself. And how you didn’t bother to call them and let them know you were going to be home a bit later than usual. 

-He was always curious but like i said he didn’t want to cross a boundary and make you feel uncomfortable about something so personal. Besides how would he bring it up?

-”Hey Y/N, Why do you always conveniently “forget” to fill out your home address on forms?” 

-Yeah see his dilemma?^ And like what if it was nothing and it really was just a convenience.  It seemed better to leave it alone and not worry. You’d tell him if something was going on, right?

-Maybe one day you’re talking to your friend and He’s just around the corner so he overhears the conversation.

-”Hey Y/N, my family is going out of town for a few weeks. I- i would ask if you could come with so you’ll have some place to stay but we are going out of the county and you know how that is..”

-”Oh..um..Don’t worry, I'll figure something out.”

-”Are you sure? I- i can always leave the house key so you can have somewhere safe to go? But uhm, My cousin might come over every so often to watch a game or to check the house so be alert and make sure he doesn’t see you.” 

-”N-No it’s okay, seriously. I’ll find somewhere to go, thank you though. ”

-”Well, I'll leave the key under the doormat if you change your mind, we’re leaving in the afternoon tomorrow so after then the place will be yours for a bit.I’ll text you later, ‘kay?”

-He’s shocked?? Like he thought maybe your at home life wasn’t good or maybe you were embarrassed about living in a low income place, but you were homeless?? And you’ve been staying with your friends every so often?? Why didn’t you tell him? Did you not feel comfortable? He’s in this weird state of shock and acknowledgement.

-For the rest of the school day hE Is cOnTemPlaTiNg oN WhaT tO Do. He’s not sure how he should bring it up or even if he should bring it up. 

- *is casually being torn apart internally as he’s trying to teach english*

-*dEeP sPaCe STarE while he is standing at the board pointing to the sentence structures*

-”Sensei, are you oka-”

-”IMTHINKINGASHARDASICANTOFIGUREOUTASOLUTIONDONTPRESSUREMEoKaY.”

-lolol but once classes are over he taps you on the shoulder and asks if he could walk with you home for a bit. You visibly nervous, you reject and say “Umm It’s all right Mr.Hizashi, you’re busy and I don't want you to take up any of your time plus it’s late and I'm tired and i have to go and-”

-”Y/n...You don’t have to make up excuses, I know you don’t have anywhere to stay.”

-stopping in your tracks, your eyes went wide and you faced him 

-”I heard you talking to that friend this morning.”

-M-mr.Hizashi I can explain-”

-cutting you off once again he begins “Hey, you don’t have to do any of that. It’s your business. But I don’t want you to just roaming around or staying anywhere alone anymore, okay? If you would like, I have an extra bedroom at my house, you can stay there until we get everything sorted.”

-”No..Mr.Hizashi...It’s okay..I’ll be okay, I’ve always have. Plus you have been such a great teacher and already went out of your way more than what I could have asked...staying with you would be too much.”

-”Y/n, it’s okay to ask for help. I seriously don’t mind. At least stay for the night so you can eat and have a roof over your head, then in the morning we’ll figure something out.”

-You hesitantly accepted but you told him that you’d be out of his hair as soon as the next morning hit.

-That night going to his house was...nice to say the least. The guest bedroom that he had was bigger than your friend’s kitchen and nicer than any place that you’ve stayed at. It really was heaven. So warm and cosy. There was a nice sense of nostalgia and security, something you’ve haven’t felt in years. His home was somewhere anyone would want to live in their whole lives. 

-”Once you’ve settled down, you can come to the dining room. I ordered some take out, I figured you’d be hungry.”

-For a moment you sat on the fluffy bed and just took in everything. God was so good to you right now and honestly you thanked him. Although it frustrates you to think that this would only last for a second and you’d be back on the streets, roaming around. Yeah yeah, Hizashi wants to help you but you knew soon he’d get tired of your presence in his house…..they all did. 

-Taking a deep breath, you went to go meet hizashi in the dining room.

-He welcomed you then motioned you to sit down at any of the seats at the table. “Oh hey, there’s miss america. You may sit anywhere you’d like. And help yourself to the food here.”

-You sat down across from him, only not to look at him just to have your eyes on the empty plate in front of you. You didn’t really touch any of the food actually or even make a sound. You weren’t trying to be rude or anything, you just..there was a lot on your mind and facing hizashi seemed difficult.

-”Are you okay Y/N? I hope sushi is okay. I- i meant to um ask what you would like to eat first. I’m sorry.”

-”No I’m sorry for-,”  twiddling your thumbs for a moment you then looked towards the blonde fellow “Mr.Hizashi..My parents left when I was around three but they left me with my aunt. She was a very good person and took good care of me but she got very ill...and um you know. At first I was living in her apartment but i couldn’t pay for it when it was time for rent so..I stayed with my friend for a couple of months. But her parents kind of got tired of me staying there and it was this thing, so I lied and told them I found a family member to stay with. And um up until now I've been staying on the streets. Sometimes having a sleepover once every so often.”

-”Y/n…”

-”I didn’t tell you because I was so scared… I didn't know what to do and I really really don’t want to go in foster care or anything so I just thought I was better off keeping it from you. But I guess it backfired anyways because you still found out haha….I’m sorry Hizashi. I hope you don’t think of me any less. I- it was a tough situation and all and you know how that is...”

-He immeadately stood up, walked over to you and hugged you. It was with So mUcH compassion and genuine love. You really was his favorite student no scratch that HIS FAVORITE HUMAN i swear he would end the world for you. 

-He gave you a little cheek kiss and was like “I’m not letting anyone put you in foster care and I'm sure as hell am not kicking you out even if i have to take custody of you.”

-”w-wait what? wAiT wHaT???”

-”KID IM fucking keeping you here safe with me even if i’m in court all year. We are going to make this work somehow, you aren’t doing this alone anymore. Do you understand?”

-YeAh hEs cRyInG iM cRyinG yOuRe CryInG wE aLl CryinG 

-BRO YOU ARE UGLY CRYING NOT NO SOFT CUTE CRY LIKE HAHA YOU SOUND LIKE A WALRUS TRYING TO SAY ‘t-tH-Th-HaNKy-yyy-YoUUU-UOi  mR hIzZaShIiIi”

-He whipes the tears of your cheeks and ruffles your hair 

-”it’ll be okay Y/N, I promise.”

-I swear he’s like rushing to the computer and trying to figure out how to adopt you.

-”HoW tO aDoPt a ChILD wHen You aRe a hEro.”

-There's an actual wiki-how about it???????

-No but he’s really doing his research and is visiting lawyers trying to find the right one. He has them immediately looking into everything and making sure that his chances of getting you is as high as possible. 

-He’s up late at night on the phone, emailing,  and writing

-He has pounds and pounds of evidence that he is the most fit person to take care of you. He is not playing whatsoever

-He already let’s you decorate and he even gives you an office so you can do work or whatever. He most definitely brought you clothes and stuff for your room.

-When the courts and everything finally approves it after a long year of fighting, he picked you up and spun you around.

-”What did I tell you?!? I was not going to lose you and i made sure of that. And starting today and the rest of  forever you’ll never have to be alone.”

-BonUs

-100% takes you out somewhere super fun and nice. 

-”Wait we must take a selfie, The first day we are legally Father-daughter!”

-The most chaotic duo now, Everyone at school knows he adopted you and like he won't let anyone forget it.

-MISSSSSS AMERICAAAAAAA, is now, MISSSSSSS HIZAAAAASSSHHHHHIIIIIIII.

-”WHEEEEERRREEEE ISSS MYYYY LITTLE MUSHROOM???”

-”YYYYYY/NNNNN YOU LEFT YOUR BAG IN MY MINIVAN.”

-He has a minivan now. It also has a ‘Yeah I’m a soccer dad and i’m proud’ sticker on it.

-He joined the PTA 

-HE IS SOOO BIASED I SWEAR NO ONE IS ABOVE YOU IN HIS CLASS AND NO ONE BETTER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT

-Always hugging you and giving you little cheek kisses when he sees you in the halls

-Made a titled track called “Now a dad”

-he most definitely wears ‘Best Dad’ shirts now. He also is in a ‘Single dad’s in Japan’ group now

-”I think we look just alike, Don’t we Y/N?” you both smiled and posed at the same time

[sero-sphere]

PT 3! Crimson Hearts

Summary: You just moved next door to Red Riot…but you can hear everything through the paper thin walls. You open your mouth and uncover something scandalous. Lets see what happens next…

Quirk: You can feel everyones emotional aura, and can secret phermones to alter them. Only side affect is their emotions rub off on you as well, both good and bad.

Warning: angst, implied sex, alcohol use, swearing.

Taglist: @silentw-lkr​

Part 1 , Part 2

Sooo, this one is a bit longer. also, sorry it took awhile…i was making stickers!!! im probabally going to write a bonus for this tomorrow!!!( ‘ㅅ’ )

You spent your off day relaxing, taking a bath, reading some books you’ve been meaning to get to, and catching up with your favorite series. You were just about to make yourself dinner, a nice thick steak with some veggies and rice, when you heard a knock on your door. You opened it to find Red Riot.

No seriously, there Kirishima was, staring at you in nothing but his hero attire. Sure you had seen him dressed as a hero..but that was on TV. This was the first time seeing him in the flesh and you couldn’t help but let your eyes wander. Your eyes went over every ripple of every muscle, and every bruise….every scar. Those only seemed to make him more sexy.

“Hey uh, sorry to come and bother you like this. I got called into a closer district today and didn’t feel like heading back to the agency to shower…” He was blushing…hard. You wondered if he noticed that your eyes were wandering his body instead of looking at his face. You quickly corrected yourself and noticed he was holding something behind his back.

“Oh, no it’s ok…I was just a bit….distracted.” You couldn’t help the blush that came across your cheeks now as well.

“I wanted to thank you for yesterday. If you hadn’t come to apologize I don’t know what I would have done. You really made me feel better….and I don’t want you to feel bad for telling me. I’m really glad actually, I know it sucks, but it’s better now that I’m not wasting my time on her.”

“It’s what I do, making people feel better I mean. I’m glad I could help, I really am. Trust me when I say I know EXACTLY how you feel.” You flashed him an apologetic smile.

“I got you this as a little thank you, I heard you crying last night. I wanna help you too if I can.” He brought his hands around the front of him, revealing what he had hidden. He reached out to hand you an adorable red teddy bear.

“I saw this today in a store I was passing by on patrol! It reminded me of you…well not OF you, but I thought of you. It’s a Red Riot ™ teddy bear. You said you were good at hugs, so I figured you could hug this whenever you get sad.” He was nervously scratching at the back of his neck. It only showcased his abs more and you couldn’t help it, as you thought about what it would feel like to hug him everynight…and not the teddy bear.

“Thanks! It will definitely help.” You pulled him into a big hug, forgetting he was shirtless and sweaty. You didn’t mind though, you could feel his mood start to shift a bit and smiled. He wasn’t lying, you really were making him feel a bit better.

“Uh, I should probably shower, I came straight here after work. I wanted to talk to you ASAP to make sure you were ok.” He pulled away from you and pointed towards his apartment.

“Kirishima, after everything that’s happened, it’s nice you thought about me. Go take your shower! I still have your whiskey so come over whenever you want! My doors always open… well not really, knock first, but you know what I mean.”

After saying goodbye, and locking your door, you put the teddy bear on the couch next to your set up for the night and returned to cooking your meal. You had made enough that way you could have left overs tomorrow for lunch. Before you could sit down to eat it you were interrupted by another knock. It was Kirishima again, but this time he was a little bit more covered. He was wearing a black tank top, grey sweats and a bandana.

“You said anytime so I figured I’d take you up on that…normally I’d go hang with Bakugou, but he’s had a rough night too…. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not….I hope you’re hungry, I just made steak and it just so happens there’s just enough for you.” His mouth was already watering.

After showering, Kirishima realized he didn’t want to spend time alone. He wasn’t entirely lying by saying Bakugou had a rough night…he always had a rough night. He was competing for the title of “Number 1 hero” after all. Even after only knowing you for a short while, he felt comfortable around you. If he hung out with Bakugou, he would only tell him to get over it, and by get over it he would probably suggest having sex with someone else. Kirishima wasn’t quite ready for that yet, so he made his way over to your place, where he knew he could relax.

The two of you bonded over dinner, and shared the rest of his whiskey. He watched as you cuddled up with a blanket on the couch beside him and clutched the Red Riot teddy bear he had gifted you. He’s glad you really liked it, and didn’t find it weird at all. He thought of the latter after he bought it, but decided to go with it anyway.

He came over more and more after that night. Some nights you two drank, sometimes you too didn’t. Mostly you talked, you explained how your quirk worked and how you used it to help people. He told you about his ex-girlfriend, and his best friends. All about his job as a hero! Every day you felt, as he returned to his old angelic self. Just being around him made you feel so much better, and you were glad he was finally beginning to feel ok.

That’s how you ended up in this predicament. Sitting in your living room, drinking too much sake with him. You let him persuade you with his notions “ oh, hey guess what! Ive got the day off tomorrow, and it just so happens Fat Gum gave me this big bottle of sake as a thank-you.”

“I thought being a hero was about saving people…not the free shit?”

“I mean it is, but it does have its perks.”

You both drank way too much and were giggling back and forth. You felt your face heat up. You were both reminiscing about the day you two met.

“OMG I am such an idiot sometimes, I can’t believe I said that to you.” You cringed as you tried to burry your face deep into your sweatshirt.

Kirishima was laughing, falling against the backside of the couch. “I can’t believe you heard everything! I should be more embarrassed than you! I went inside and cursed thinking about how you probably would never talk to me again.”

“And here I was thinking ‘ who the fuck lasts that long…omg.’ And then when It was Red fuucking Riot, and your quirk is hardening. It made perfect fucking sense!”

He blushed. He leaned his head back against the couch, but to the side so he could maintain eye contact, as you gave you the sultriest toothiest smile. You wanted to kiss him so bad, but you stopped yourself.

“You know, I think you can take all this back to your house now?” You motioned to all the alcohol you both had on the table. One bottle had turned into 2, into 3, and so on.

“Right, but then what excuse would I have to come to see you. I am feeling better now ya know?”

“Hmmm, you think you need a reason to come and see me? I could think of a reason or two?” You raised your index finger to your bottom lip and pouted slightly. You shifted a bit in your seat and leaned a little closer towards him. Just to the point you could feel the heat radiating off of him.

“Yeah, and what would that be?”

He met you the rest of the distance, and felt as your lips brushed against his.

You had enveloped him in a kiss he wasted no time in returning. It heated up rather quickly and you felt as his hands ran up and down your back. You moved yours towards his thighs, circling your thumbs in little motions against his muscles.You both were involved in a heavy makeout session. At some point you both broke away for some air. It was pretty late and while Kirishima might not have had patrol, he did have to go in for an early morning meeting.

“You should go, I know you have a meeting in the morning. Being a Hero comes first.” You moved away from him a bit, but still made sure your fingers were intertwined with his.

“But, that wouldn’t be very manly of me to leave you like this…”

“I’ll be fine. I promise, I have an amazing hero who lives right next door. He’ll be the first one I call if I find myself needing help in the middle of the night. He’s convinced he needs reason to come and see me!”

Kirishima leaned in and gave you another kiss on the cheek. He pulled back to look into your eyes. He gave you one last kiss on the lips and left. Both of you wished you had done that sooner, it was too late to get left hanging like that. You were tired. You made sure to clean up before you tucked yourself in at least. You had a previous arrangement with your brother and he was going to be staying over for the weekend.

The night came and went, and you were headed back to your apartment with a hand full of groceries. You had met your brother at the train station, and stopped at the store on your way home. He was behind you helping with some of the load. He made some joke about how he was surprised you walked up all these stairs every day. You were giggling as you made your way to the door.

Kirishima looked out from his window and watched as you passed by laughing…with some….guy? You were with a guy? What? He assumed it was probably family, and you would explain after they were gone, and he came over to visit. But that time never came. The male that had followed you into the apartment had stayed the night with you. He felt just a tinge of jealousy. He got ready for work and wondered if he would still run into you on his way out the door, or if you would be staying in late.

His questions were answered when you called out to him from the stairs.

“Oh, hey Kirishima! Hope you got a good nights rest! Good luck at work today!”

“Hey you too right? You have a big day? Hope the takedown goes as planned.” You were scheduled to help take down a really well known gang, and it was going to be one of the more tiring work days you’ve endured. It started off fine, but quickly turned sour and you were forced into staying well into the night to make sure things went according to plan. 5 am came and went. It was now 7 when you finally made your way back home. You hoped your brother would be awake by now, to say bye before he left. You didn’t know how long you would be able to stay up for. You made it to your door before you realized you had forgotten the key in the car. By the time you made it all the way back up, Kirishima was just heading to work for the day.

“Trouble sleeping, huh?” He looked at you and laughed. It sounded a bit forced and you wondered if he was trying to avoid.    

“Yeah I guess you could say that. Things just never seemed to end last night, it just kept coming and coming.” You looked at him exhausted.

“Those walls really are paper thin, I see what you meant before, when you said you couldn’t sleep.” He wouldn’t make eye contact with you. Instead he was staring at his feet which is something you hadn’t seen him do since he was upset about his breakup.

“What do you mean?” You were utterly confused at this point. You two were the only ones whose apartments shared walls on this floor. He shouldn’t have been able to hear anyone else’s, the noise would have to come from yours.

“Uhm, I mean I wasn’t trying to listen in, but like you said it’s kinda hard not too.”

You turned towards him, and the look you gave him was enough to make him scared. You looked pretty fucking mad. “I’m going to fucking kill him!! Figures the one time I’m out for the night!!!”

“Wait what, don’t tell me..” He was starting to panic. He hoped he didn’t just catch you in the same situation he was in a few weeks earlier.

“Oh! NO, no! I’m sorry, he’s my fucking brother! I should have told you that earlier. He came to stay for a few nights for work. Better not have been on my bed I swear to God.”

Kirishima was relieved, he couldn’t stop thinking about continuing what the two of you had started the last time you were together. He had really developed feelings for you during the time the two of you spent together. He was hoping you would return them, and had gotten worried when he heard all those sinful noises during the night. Before he could answer you, you had leaned over and placed a kiss on this cheek.

“Come over tonight? Depending on how my next conversation goes, I might need someone to help break in my new mattress! That is after I’m done burning my other one of course. I might find myself in need of a Hero”

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 8

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.9k. -this may look like a love triangle but ill do my best not to turn it into one. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- IF YOU WANT TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN THIS IS UPDATED, I THOUGHT I COULD START A TAG LIST SO LET ME KNOW. IF YOU’D RATHER ME NOTICED IN PRIVATE, MESSAGE ME TOO PLEASE!

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 8 : His chapter

Niall

It was barely noticeable but her body shook in my arms very lightly and I knew she was crying. It broke my heart and without thinking, I tightened my embrace around her and shut my eyes tight. I didn't know why she was sad and I didn't dare to ask, perhaps scared to find out it was my fault. I was not sure what made her calm down but after a while, her breathing became steady. I waited until she was asleep to breathe in deeply and swallow hard.

I knew I had walked in on Harry and her and had ruined the moment, even if she told me I didn't, and it suddenly made me realize that I was losing her. Not physically, of course, but I knew if she started dating Harry, a lot of things could change between us. I felt possessive without any reason or right to be, but this feeling invaded me like a poison and I tried to push it away along with my jealousy. It wasn't even fair of me to feel like that and i was perfectly aware of it but at the same time, I couldn't control it.

The anger I read in her eyes when I told her who I had a crush on back when we were thirteen got to me but it's the pain I could hear in her voice that bothered me the most. I knew her so well that I recognized every intonation, every glimpse, every move of her lips or her eyes, even is barely perceptible. I felt my heart twist when I realized she probably could do the same when it came to me and swallowed hard. No one should have that much power over someone else. It seemed extremely dangerous.

I knew there were some things we didn't share and it was okay. After all, knowing completely everything about someone seemed highly unhealthy. I was aware of her feelings most of the time, but I still couldn't always know why she felt that way or what she thought, just like she couldn't guess that the reason I actually got hard from the dream I had where I was having sex with her came mostly from the fact that my cock was rubbing against her ass. And honestly, I'll do everything so she never finds that out.

I swallowed all the emotions invading me again and pulled her closer to me, holding her body against mine. I even brought my thighs up to be sure every part of me was touching her. It was comforting in a way and for a reason I couldn't explain. Our conversation came back to my mind and I closed my eyes tight at the memory of her walking on me while I was masturbating. It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my life and yet, I couldn't stop thinking that even if it pulled us apart for a few days, in the end, it brought us closer. It's not something you see many people do in your life and the fact that we could laugh about it easily was nice, too.

There were so many more memories like this one that rushed to my brain and somehow, it made me smile and calmed the erratic beatings of my heart a bit. I loved her, she was my best friend, and she deserved to be happy, even if it would make me jealous or possessive.

Slowly, I pulled away from her and noticed that she shivered. I brought the covers over her shoulders and looked at her for a few minutes before slowly leaving the room. The house was quiet but I knew Harry was probably not asleep yet. I walked to the kitchen and saw him bent down, the light of the open fridge being the only thing brightening the room. He finally stood up again, my pint of milk in his hand, and brought it to his lips.

"Use a goddamn glass, Styles."

He choked on his sip and almost dropped the pint, turning to me. He put the lid back on it and put it in the fridge, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his very old shirt.

"Fooking hell, Niall, you scared me!" he let out in a very low tone. "I didn't hear you coming."

I stared at him, my face emotionless, as a wave of protectiveness for my best friend invaded my whole body, making my head throb.

"Do you love her?"

He licked his lips, leaning against the still open door of my fridge, and frowned at me.

"Excuse me?"

I breathed in deeply, my eyes never leaving him.

"I'm serious, Harry." I added, ignoring his comment. "If you hurt her I don't know what i'm gonna do to you, but it's going to be bad."

Still frowning, he pushed on the door to close it and took a few steps closer to me. I looked up as he looked down at me slightly but I could see his face clearly, even in the darkness of the room. I was ready to jump on his and from the look on his face, he seemed pissed. After a few seconds, his traits softened as a result of an inner monologue, or it seemed. He sighed and looked down before looking back up in my eyes.

"I know she's your best friend, and I know you want to protect her, but I really like her." He shook his head and sighed again. "I can't promise I won't hurt her but I can swear it's not and never will be my intention."

It was not good enough for me but there was nothing else I could do and I pressed my lips together. I wanted to tell him he had no right to steal her away from me but it was juvenile and it only proved I really needed to sleep and that maybe I had drank a bit too much.

"I'll take care of her, Niall." he added, making my heart twist. "Loosen the grip you have on her. She's your best friend, not your girlfriend."

It felt like a slap in the face but I didn't budge. I only tried to calm the anger inside me. Everything I was feeling at that moment didn't seem to make sense but I hated his words and how he talked to me.

"Goodnight, Harry."

Without waiting for an answer, I turned around and walked back to my room. She hadn't moved at all and I slithered under the covers, getting close to her and pulling her to me again.

"Mm, Niall?" she mumbled.

I brought my face closer to her neck and brushed my lips on her shoulder.

"I'm here." I whispered, watching an other shiver cross her back as she quivered in my arms. "Get back to sleep."

I was about to fall asleep too when I heard her words, or I think I did.

"Don't leave, okay?"

Maybe I was already asleep.

                                                      ------

I didn't know how long I slept but when I woke up, I was alone in bed. I heard them laugh together as I rubbed my eyes and yawned, quickly getting out of bed and putting my sweatpants on. When I opened the door, Liv's laughter was clearer and it made me smile despite myself before remembering she was laughing because of Harry.

The discussion I had had with him in the middle of the night came back to my mind and I breathed in deeply, trying to keep my calm. I knew he was right, I knew Livia was not my girlfriend, but that didn't mean I couldn't protect her. Somehow, I knew it was wrong of me but I didn't want to admit it, at least, not to him.

"Morning guys." I just let out, dragging my feet on the floor and passing my hand in my messy hair. "How d'you sleep?"

I yawned again and heard my best friend chuckle. Our eyes met and her cheeky smile made my lips curl slightly too.

"Morning, love the bed hair." she teased, making my nose raise up as I poured myself a cup of coffee.

"Look who's talking." I pointed out, looking for sugar cubes and adding two in my cup.

When I turned around to lean against the counter, I laughed when I noticed she was tugging at her hair in vain : it was still messy. I took a sip of my coffee and licked my lips as I kept watching her.

"Don't do that." Harry let out, taking a step closer to her. "You look cute."

My heart jumped in my chest at his words, realizing that I was just about to say something similar. She chuckled shyly and tilted her head, biting her bottom lip as he grinned at her. Watching them flirt made me groan as I took an other sip but I tried to cool down the annoyance invading me. She's not my girlfriend, she's my best friend, who just happens to like an other of my good friends... whom also likes her. I should just be happy for them but desp��te my best attempt, I couldn't seem to be.

"So, what's the plan for today?" I asked, breaking their little staring game.

I don't know why but it bothered when they acted like I wasn't even in the room.

"Oh, I can't stay." Harry explained, walking to the living room and slipping his hand in the cracks of the couch for a while. He finally took it out and I noticed his keys hanging around one of his fingers. "I have a few things to prepare."

"Prepare?"

Harry turned to Liv and sent her a smile.

"I'm glad you asked." he let out, making her laugh again and walking back to us. "I rented a lodge a few hours away from here. It was supposed to be in a few weeks but some people canceled and they're renting it to me this weekend instead for half the price."

Livia's eyebrows raised and I stopped moving as he kept talking, leaning against the table.

"Do you want to come with?"

Her face illuminated and she turned to me, suddenly excited. I couldn't lie and pretend I didn't like to see her happy because I did, and just seeing her thrilled by his proposition was enough to make me smile.

"Niall!" she let out with enthusiasm. "We have to go!"

I looked at her for a few seconds and blinked a few times before turning to Harry.

"Who's going to be there?"

"Louis, El, Liam, Julie..."

"Okay, forget it." I cut him, raising my nose in a grimace. "I'm not gonna spend the weekend with couples."

I saw Livia's eyes get wider as her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink, making me realized that I had mentioned couples, which made it seem like she and Harry were already dating. I pretended I didn't notice my mistake and shrugged.

"Not interested."

"You didn't let me finish." Harry said with a sigh. "Max will be there, and Gemma, and Lottie. You can invite Deo and Willie if you want. I even invited someone just for you."

From the corner of my eyes, I noticed Livia's smile die instantly. I put my attention back on Harry and he raised his eyebrows at me, the left corner of his lips raised. It amused him, I knew it, but for some reason, it made me nervous.

"Who?" I asked, knowing he could hear fear in my voice. "Harry, what did you do?"

He chuckled and pushed himself off the table, getting back on his feet and searching through his pockets for what I realized was his phone.

"Maya." he simply said, scrolling through his phone as it beeped, telling him he had a new text message.

I felt my heart twist in my chest. Maya. I could never forget her. Especially that time we...

"Maya?" Livia repeated in a low tone, taking me out of my thoughts.

I turned to her and she was frowning. Her head turned my way and our eyes met and suddenly, I didn't know what I was reading on her face. Was it fear? Or anger? Or sadness? My heart twisted in my chest butI swallowed and tried to remain casual. The truth was, I wasn't really happy about Maya being part of this weekend. I would rather be around my friends than spend a time with a girl that could potentially cause drama.

"What happened between you two?" Livia asked, looking away and grabbing her cup of now cold coffee, suddenly interested in it.

I was still trying to find a good answer to give her when Harry decided to answer for me, making me hold my breath.

"We never found out, he never wanted to tell." he explained, a smirk now gracing his lips as he glanced at me before looking back at her. "It was probably nasty, or nothing at all. Either way, it'll always be a secret."

He laughed a bit he Livia and I remained silent. She simply nodded, taking a sip of her coffee and grimacing. She emptied it in my sink and rinsed her mug as I stared at her. I didn't want her to worry about it, it was useless, I was not really in the mood to flirt with that girl or go any further than being friendly to her, but I knew my best friend was suddenly nervous about this trip and I was not sure what to do.

Liv had commented on many of the girls of my life recently, from my present and past, and I knew it bothered her. I could understand it, because it bothered me to see her flirt with Harry. We should both be happy for the other but the truth was, we were not, and I had the feeling we were both a bit scared to lose the bond we had. After so many years being close, I felt like something was changing and I think she felt it too. I hated to admit it, but I didn't know what i'd do if I lost her. That being said, her relationship with Harry threatened our friendship more than any sexual encounter I could have.

"It doesn't matter, it's just sex stories." I let out, grabbing my own mug and placing it in the sink before looking down at her. "It's not like love."

Her eyes moved up to meet mine and we looked at each other for a few seconds. I didn't know why but somehow, I felt like her mind was at the exact same place than mine and I was pretty sure she got the hint I was pointing at.

After a few seconds, she just shrugged and turned around again to look at Harry. She took a few steps in his direction and I closed my eyes, letting out a short sigh.

"Fine. I'll go." I let out, my eyes still closed.

"Ha! I knew it would convinced you!" I turned on my heels and sighed again, this time louder.

"No trying to match me, Harry." I warned him. "I'm not interested. Maya is not the reason why i'm going."

"Mmhm, why then?" he wondered with a chuckle. I could hear in his tone that he didn't believe me and it amused him.

My gaze moved on my best friend but she was not looking at me and I shrugged, sighing again.

"I have my reasons."

Being away from Livia while she was hanging out with most of my mates was the worst idea I could have had, especially since I felt like our friendship was dying, slipping through my fingers like water. I was gonna have to save it and I knew it wouldn't be easy.

I knew Harry wanted to make a sexual comment but he didn't for Livia's sake and I was suddenly happy he was shutting up, for once. He turned to her again and his lips immediately curled into a smile. I rolled my eyes and looked away, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, trying to ignore their conversation, but it was hard.

"I'll text you okay?" he promised in a soft voice. "You think you can get ready in only a few hours?"

She laughed.

"Definitely, and you?"

This time, he laughed. And I groaned.

"Probably not, but i'll try."

When I was done, I turned to them and felt my heart jump in my chest as I noticed one of his hands cupping her face, his thumb brushing gently on her cheek. It was obvious they were going to date soon, it was inevitable, and I wouldn't stop it. That didn't mean Livia and I had to lose our friendship, right?

He brought her face closer and kissed her head. I saw her eyes flutter close and I held my breath until he let go of her.

"I'll see you guys tonight." he added, taking a step back and turning his keychain around one of his fingers. "Bye guys!"

We waited until the door closed behind him and all of a sudden, I felt lighter, like a heavy load had been taken off my shoulder. It even felt like I could breathe better and I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply.

"Are you sure you're okay with coming?"

My eyes opened and she was staring at me, tilting her head. Her hair was falling on the side of her head like a curtain and it hit me to realize how cute she was. No, she was not stunning or breathtaking, but she was pretty. The kind of pretty not everyone can be. Maybe you couldn't see it at first glance but if you really took the time to look...

"Niall?" she asked again to catch my attention.

Her eyebrows raised and she tilted her head more.I cleared my throat and nodded quickly.

"No yea, i'm okay with it. I promise."

It took her a few seconds to move and I watched her lick her lips as she nodded. Looking up, her eyes met mine again and she smiled fondly, making me do the exact same. I had no idea if she thought I was going for Maya, or if she was aware I wanted to go to save our friendship but either way, she seemed happy.

"Thank you, Nee." she admitted in a whisper. "I'm very glad you're coming. I wouldn't want to go without you."

Her words made a lump appear in my throat and I tried to swallow before taking the few steps separating us and wrapping my arms around her neck, bringing her closer to me. Quickly, she nuzzled my neck and I closed my eyes, my grip tightening around her. I didn't know why I was so emotive but I didn't try to find out. I could feel her just as sensitive as I was and I knew we both needed the comfort that this hug was bringing us. Weirdly, though, I had no idea what had happened concretely to make us so emotional.

I don't know how long we remained in each other's arms but eventually, I felt like I had to break the hug and I moved away only slightly to look down in her eyes.

"How about you help me pack, and then we go to your place and I help you pack."

She raised her nose in a grimace, her lips twisting in a cute way. It made me chuckle and I raised my eyebrows in a questioning manner.

"You didn't clean, did you?"

"No?" she let out in a high but low tone. "I know how you are, you're gonna go crazy if you step foot in my apartment."

It was true that when it came to things like that, we couldn't be more different. She was the messiest person I knew and I was definitely the most organised people she knew.

"It doesn't matter, we'll only stay there for an hour or so, I'm sure I can handle it." I let out, half-joking.

She took a step back and grimaced again as my arms fell back on each side of my body. I tried not to laugh but it was hard and I couldn't hide the amused smile on my face.

"Alright but on one condition." she expressed, her finger pointing at me in a threatening way.

"Anything you want." I let out, crossing my arms on my chest.

"You make NO comment on my mess."

"Not way not a chance." I answered quickly, making her groan.

"One comment, then."

I frowned facetiously and rubbed my chin with two of my fingers, pretending to think.

"Two, and we're good."

She sent me a mean look and sighed deeply, clearly annoyed by my proposition. I liked to tease her and she knew it. I liked it because I always got a reaction out of her, and it delighted me. She seemed to hesitate and I insisted by handing my hand to her. She glanced at it then looked back and my eyes and shook her head, grabbing my hand with hers and shaking it.

"Okay, deal."

My smile turned bigger and I laughed as we first bumped to seal the deal like we've always did since we were kids.

"I may make comments on your room, too." she said with a rude smile, making me laugh more.

"Like what?" I asked, really entertained by this conversation. "You're gonna tell me how clean and organised it is?"

"Maybe i'll tell you how anal you are."

I laughed again and took a step closer, wrapping my arm around her neck and pulling her close to me. She groaned and tried to fight to push me away but I just laughed as my grip got tighter.

"Naa, you won't."

I only let her go when we got in front of my room and she quickly walked in to help me. I watched her open a few drawers, knowing exactly what to get and where to look. I didn't even know why we were not roommates already but for some reason I ignored, I hadn't thought about asking her yet and I had a feeling that proposing her to share a house was a bad idea now that she was so close to date Harry.

Thinking about it made me hold my breath and I realized that without him, the friendship I had with Olivia was pretty much the one I was used to. I hated to think that one guy could change everything between us but somehow, I had to come to term with it. It was my job not to let this die and I was going to fight.

"Maybe you could help instead to stay there and watch me pack your stuff?"

I laughed and realized I was now leaning against the door frame, my hands in my pockets, while she was running around in my room, putting stuff she thought I needed on my bed.

"Alright, alright!"

No, I was not going to lose her without doing anything. This friendship was worth a fight. She was worth fighting for.

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 11- “we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon”-Lily

I am literally so shook LOL, I don't know what just happened but...  Dan used his idol on me and I wish he would have stayed because comp queen... I am not.  I KNOW I am going to be the next to go if I don't win the next immunity challenge and I just don't know which of these fakes to put my trust in. I HONESTLY went back to Landen and Lily and intend to keep it that way because I don't know what kind of fuckery just happened with everyone else.   AND CHIPS IF YOU WROTE MY NAME DOWN AFTER WE PROMISED NOT TO WRITE EACH OTHERS NAMES....  jk LOL.  I went from like sobbing last week to laughing this week, I am a MESS. 

3 minutes later

TOUCHY SUBJECTS!! This is going to be my comp to win because I have a method with this one that NEVER fails me when I use it.  To do it I just have to be INSANELY honest and then just get into the head of everyone else.  I write everyone's name down that is still in the game and I figure out what each person would say for each question and then I tally it up!   LOOK at me being all cocky and confident about it, watch me lose now, LOL.

1 hour later

I really hope I win this challenge so I won't join Owen and Dan in the jury anytime soon.  This one is another one that I feel like Jules will do really good on, so there is that.  She, Landen and Lily are the ONLY ones that have talked to me after tribal.   Also did I mentioned I left the alliance chat I made with Landen and Lily then made a new one, LOL.  I promise I'm only this crazy when I play Survivor, I have no chill, I'm either dead and float to the end or I'm chaotic and jump from person to person and burn bridges and play BADLY like a crazy person.

when two idols get played and you accidentally send out a frenemy lmaaaaoo ily Dan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOcx0U-XVpA  

ok now on to the show

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1j3uV5Zc49fbFH4xLK-L0JQX82xsiA1dq/view?usp=sharing

dear diary, what the FUCK! i disassociate for one (1) day and everything goes bonkers.. all i can say is that i'm glad landen trusts me so much because whew.. what a messy man. but i love everything about him.. CFHGVJBKN no but for realsies this vote was CRAZY. but one of the biggest threats in this game.. at least to me just got out SOOO. i am thriving. i honestly think i'm genuinely in a really good position in this game because voting for ruthie last round secures my trust with so many people in this game.. aka autumn, lily AND while landen already trusts me so much <3 im even in more good graces with him by keeping in someone so close to him even though im still hmmm. on how close him and lily are. it's scary but.. i know he holds me dearly to him too so boom? UM! i don't know. working with jules and kevin is reassuring too.. chips and i are tight always.. the only people i don't talk to are joanna and ruthie but i don't think that will affect me in an matter. so. smiles.

HA!!! I may have had the most OTT confessionals ever last round but look who gets the last laugh?? LANDEN GETS THE LAST LAUGH! Because I was RIGHT. I knew that something was going on and something mysterious was being planned, I was utterly confused as to why this shit was happening around me, and I knew these people were off. I said They are PLAYING ME and why do I not know what's going on, there's something shady happening... And yes there was. I have to thank Kevin for making the dumbest move he could possibly make, which is to tell me and Lily. Sorry Kevin but you fucked me over twice and I'm not good with that, I'm not okay with his double dealing anymore! :) He was playing the middle and he got caught and If I want to make sure that Lily and myself continue to get through votes... That's the card I have to play. Last night I was working overtime as hard as possible to convince Chips and Autumn that they need to split the votes onto Ruthie and Dan, and to do that I was throwing Ruthie and Kevin under the bus. Oooops! Then they made it super easy by telling me the vote was on Lily which gave me the ammunition to flip things on Ruthie. Kevin might think it was just for that round, but I'm so glad, because this vote finally put me in a position of a tiny bit of power, I think. I'm still not like, RUNNING things, but I got an alliance of 5 and I think we really do have motivation to stick together, at least for now, and take Kevin and Ruthie OUT of this game. If I can just do that, that sets me up really well for the final stages of this game. I have to take out the double agents, get rid of the double dealing, set up this vote CLEAR, because I don't have an idol for protection anymore. Speaking of which... Yes I guess you could consider that a waste, but it wasn't like Lily got NO votes. I knew she would be getting 2 for sure, and I only knew for sure that Dan was getting 1. I was not going to risk Lily's life on the fluke possibility that there would be 2 or 3 Dan votes or that people would revote out Dan over Lily. No way. Lily is not only a huge shield for me in this game because of her social game, connections, and strategic prowess (she'd be more threatening than me in any FTC i think which makes people want to go for her instead of me), but she's someone who's ALWAYS going to have my back in this game. That is extremely powerful, I don't know if most people realize how powerful it is for someone to always have your back and be giving you information, that kind of relationship is necessary in Survivor and it always gives a type of power that could help me go on to win this game. And honestly, the more people think I'm playing FOR lily and that they shouldn't respect my game bc a lot of it is in the name of helping her and i BOTH get through things, they're wrong, but the better they think that bc that just helps make me seem a little less threatening and a little more like the ideal Buddy to take into Final Tribal Council! Where I hopefully have the story and the moves to wreck any opponent sans Autumn, Jules, Kevin, maaaaybe juls who all obviously cannot be allowed to make it there. :P I feel MUCH better about my spot in the game now. MARSHMALLOW MOVES BABY

INCH RESTING that only Landen, Lily and Jules have talked to me one on one since last night.  They are the ones that I was most wary of last round but I rely a lot on the of the social aspect of this game and if these people are too scared to talk to me after voting for me I'm not going to feel bad if I vote for them, haha.   I really have a good feeling about this challenge and I am once again praying to the survivor gods that I manage to pull out a win.  I NEED this.

I hate touchy subjects, I have never won it. Also last vote was a mess, two idols were played and that is insane. I was added really late to this new alliance chat and like okay cool, but I know I'm on the bottom of that alliance and they are trying to tell me that kevin is a snake but i trust kevin and like i can't go against that alliance because they are majority and tbh i'm not 100% sure who is all IN that alliance, they just told me to vote ruthie and i did and then she didn't even go home. i have voted for ruthie twice now and ruthie has gone home zero times, i'm worried she is going to come for me, but i've just been trying to vote with majority my guys

The anxiety I feel before immunity results is UNREAL in this game, haha. I have a really strong feeling that I won this one... and I am usually wrong when I start thinking that but I just HOPE that I did, I need this to squeak by.   I'm not really sure what I am going to do going forward, I feel like if I win this round I can either a) Cause a lot of ruckus and spill everyones tea when they finally decide to talk game with me or b) Have complete loyalty to Landen and Lily and just do whatever the heck they want to do to show that I AM loyal. I swear, every time I see I have a new Skype notification I refresh the blog to see if it is the results... and no luck.  Yet. Okay the people in the Atomic VL really need to stop so I will stop getting notifications, LOL. HARDLY ANYONE talks in this game right before results so I just have to deal with my anxiety over the results right here in my confessional. I am also searching and I'm mad at myself for remembering to search so late bc I doubt there will be time for me to look right before tribal tomorrow. I think?? That I might be onto something.  At the three broomsticks you can ask for drinks but there was an option to get a room and I'm HOPING that if I do that I will get one of those passes where I get to skedaddle before tribal.  I mean, it makes sense to me but it is probably going to be NOTHING. And it was nothing and I also DID NOT win immunity, grrr.  LOL.  I was actually way off and I can't wait to see what everyone said for everything. OKAY at least I got the one about me being the biggest liar right.

I'm not sure if i'm making moves or if my seeds are planting... but autumn has more social ties in this game than i do right now... and landen is playing a fantastic game from what i can tell. that's dangerous to keep around. i think he has a real shot at winning. and i don't want to be a goat. but every time i have had an agenda i have fought for it, just since merge hit, everyone who has been targeted i didn't care if they went. no agenda, no feisty joanna. but i'm creating an agenda... and i think landen might be my target... sorry b, just i want me to win this thing more than i want you to but... i also think that kevin is doing wonderfully. if i have any chance at this thing, which maybe i don't, landen and kevin both need to go.

I am fine with every touchy subjects answer I got... for the MOST part. Wouldn't bring home to your family? That's fine, I'm loud, aggressive, in your face with my opinions, boldly passionate, etc etc. They had to choose someone and I totally understand why they would pick me for that. Thinks he's running the game, I mean, I think it's obvious I DON'T think that, by how paranoid and messy I was scrambling the last couple votes, but I also know I come off as very pretentious and arrogant with having information, and have been on the right side of every vote, so I understand that people would put that about me. Loudest, DUH! Host favorite and juiciest confessionals I DEFINITELY don't agree with lol, I can be very boring and rambly, and I know yall dont like me TOO much. But Biggest villain... BIGGEST VILLAIN?!?! ARE YOU FOR REAL? ARE YOU FOR REAL, GIRL, ARE WE FOR REAL?? SOMEONE LIED TO HER SEVERAL TIMES. WHERE was the villainous behavior. WHERE WAS IT?!?!? I am one of the ONLY people in this game who has sold almost NOBODY out and who has almost NEVER lied. I sold ONE person out, and that was Ruthie. Who, might I remind you, BETRAYED HUFFLEPUFF before I did that, and NEVER established a 1-on-1 alliance with me, EVER, or even a smaller alliance with me. So it was hardly even a betrayal, especially as I was fighting to SURVIVE sdkfdskf. I played an IDOL for my closest ally, I spiraled as hard as possible to change the votes for every ally who was in serious danger, and I consistently did everything I can to do the right thing in this game instead of being a cutthroat mastermind like SOME PEOPLE (Jules, Kevin, im looking at you assholes!) AND SOMEHOW IM THE VILLAIN!??! I just... LOL. Girl where? Where am I the villain of the season? I'm definitely no OTTP hero, that's Lily, but as her designated sidekick I should at least be MORM! I mean, come on! As far as Kevin winning immunity and a bunch of other good superlatives, sigh. It's very questionable and makes me sketched the hell out. I wanna push on Jules but I feel like I'm gonna have to just push on Ruthie again, and I'm pretty sure that now that I'm without the idol I'll be going home bc of the stunt I pulled last time, soooo... Yeeeah.  That's that. I'll definitely push what I can tmrw tho, but for the most part I'm just gonna focus on school and my new cat collecting game, the game has been rly cute though so far and hopefully I find some way to stay.

look at me... number crunching like i can do math

I'm pretty sure that if Dan knew I just told Landen and Lily about the power he sent me- the anonymous note thing- he would break into hogwarts to yell at me.  I told them merely to establish a trust with them again because staying tight with them may be my only shot to actually make it to the end.

I'm so furious Kevin won immunity, because I had the perfect shot to go for him. I'm so angry. I'm so UPSET. I'm like.... WHEW i'm mad. It's so exhausting feeling like you're on the bottom every, single, round, no matter what happens, no matter how much you do to prove your loyalty and try to find an in with people, all it does is continually push you down even worse. I get ignored all day then I get called pushy and paranoid for asking why it's happening and trying to come up with a plan, then to make it worse I get labelled as "Villain of the Season". Like.... wtf? I guess I'm a villain for daring to try and survive and protect Lily, that makes me soooo evil and such a big bad, I guess I'm a villain for selling out Ruthie who never ever made an alliance with me and turned on me first, I guess I'm a villain for turning on Kevin after he consistently lies to me all day and plays the middle just to put me on the bottom, like, that's not a real ally. A real ally does whatever they can to do what is in the best interest of themselves AND their ally. They consider what's good for eachother. Kevin and others have proven to me at basically every single turn that they just consider me an extra vote, and, let's make this clear, an extra vote they don't even like. They use me because they know I'm a loyal player, and when they backstab me they get angry that I retaliate and do what I can to further my own position. It's just like extremely mind boggling and these are the type of mind games that wear me out so much because this game just psychologically is like brutal. It wears me down a lot and I'm just trying to keep a clear head about all this and find some way to stay afloat in the game and keep bearing a smile but it's honestly really really hard and at this point I don't know how much energy I have left to keep giving every tribal 150% at the last 30 minutes just to barely survive. Especially without an idol, like i'm just.. sigh. It's a lot but I'm going to keep giving it everything i have, because if there's one thing I don't know how to do, it's give up or lay down, even when all signs point to just settling and being quiet. It's not in my blood and I gotta play this game like me even if it makes me lose. A win is not worth compromising myself for, I'll never feel good about a victory that I feel like I abandoned myself to earn. 

And here we are at a stand still again. I feel like I’m in one of those old westerns but I’m out there with my gun in my holster ready to go and everybody else is at the saloon. Tumbleweeds go by and I’m like hello? Anybody there? Anyway... Landen is losing it. I’m here trying to keep hope and keeping my fingers crossed that my chills vibes get through on this holiday. So the past two tribals, despite being some of the most stressful of my whole life, have gone my way somehow. And I don’t think I’m appearing as too big of a threat at this point but what am I kidding I got votes last time. I have two alliances going which is more than I usually have. I continue to have the desire to stay hufflepuff strong despite voting for ruthie on the last vote. I also have an alliance with landen, Joanna, autumn, and chips. It’s an interesting group to say the least and I can’t say I fully trust the group. Autumn came forward as voting for dan at the last one and while I appreciate the honesty it does continue to make me weary of Autumn. I also think Dan was the one to start a vote on me and he may have been getting some traction on it but it fizzled. I hope that someone else doesn’t start to catch on to how suave I am and vote me out. I’d like to at least make it to my lucky 7 spot at this point!   This vote I think the best outcome would be Jules going. I have the least amount of strategic conversation with her so that would be ideal at this point. If it’s ruthie...I don’t want to vote her but I can’t risk getting myself voted out defending her. Shout out to you Ruthie. Best of luck. And we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon...

can't believe the entire old hufflepuff tribe (minus Max) is back in an alliance together again.  I can't trust any of them as far as I can throw them but I love it. In other news, someone started a rumor that Chips told me to vote for Jules?? and he DID NOT.  But he is also not talking to me right now anymore.  I don't want to vote Jules, I am NOT voting Jules.  Jules also said she is not voting me but idk that I can trust it or not.  NO ONE is talking game right now besides me, Kevin, Lily and Landen.  Chips was talking to me earlier and so were Juls and Jules but none of them really knew a name and this is just a MESS.   I'm just trying not to get into any drama because I'm already branded as the biggest liar on the tribe when there are some people around here that have lied A LOT more than I have!! US TALKING GAME AND LILY RANDOMLY POPPING IN AFTER BEING MIA FOR AWHILE IN WITH- HAHAHAHAH okay edited, I cannot say what she said but I AM DEAD.. it includes the party emoji. I AM DEAD LOL, oh my god. I can't stop laughing. ANYWAY. So, Autumn says that the vote was Jules and now it is Chips??  SO BOTH SIDES ARE VOTING THE SAME? I'm so shook right now but this is good news!  I feel bad because Chips and I DID have a really good conversation today but if he was the one that just stirred all this shit up he needs to go.  I need a moment of peace! 

well. people be lyin to me. so. anyways. im tired. THESE PPL BE DOIN!!!!! THE MOST!!!!

i’m betraying the alliance i came into merge with while trying to keep it together. how does one convince someone to vote with them while pretending they don’t know anything? 

TOO MUCH INFO TOO LITTLE TIME ILL DO ANOTHER ONE AFTER TRIBAL

Tribal has been wild this round. Kevin won the challenge so he's immune. The new alliance I'm in wants to vote Jules because they are a powerhouse in all three categories - social, strategic, and challenges. Anyway, I told Jules I would tell them if I ever heard their name. I wanted to stick to that so I told them. I guess that was a mistake because they asked who from and I was already told they were working closely with Kevin so I just said Kevin. And then really shook them and I think they were shocked because Kevin is their final 2 (most likely) - anyway I didn't know what to say when they asked "From him?" because he never talks game with me. EVER. Luckily I got busy with life so I didn't have to respond... when I get back to my computer though apparently Jules has started asking why their name is being said to Landen and Lily and a conversation that I have had with Ruthie makes them suspicious that I am also telling Ruthie so the "loose lips sink ships" comes into play. Anyway, I definitely didn't actually say anything to Ruthie at all so I put that fire out. Then I try to tiptoe around the fact that I told Jules and Landen comes to the conclusion that Ruthie MUST be close with them if Jules knows because Juls might have talked to Ruthie about the vote. In the meantime our alliance comes up with a plan to throw me under the bus to Jules as well as for me to do the opposite to either Ruthie or Landen. For fear of an idol. All this drama happens and then I have to tell Jules that Kevin didn't say it and that someone else told me that Kevin had said it and they ask who... and then follow it up by telling me that Landen has been throwing me under the bus saying I'm lying and that they need to vote me. I guess our plan has started. I let Jules know that it was Landen who wanted to vote them. And then Jules comes to the conclusion that Landen is the common factor in these stories and asks if I want to vote for him. I agree because he has been trying to have me murdered and voted out all while at the same time planning to vote for Jules anyway. This plan is so eccentric and weird and nothing like I have ever done on Survivor. I felt so bad when I didn't tell Jules that they were being targeted for the vote but did not want to open this can of worms. Kind of hoping I get blindsided so I don't have to live with the guilt. But then also sort of hoping it works just because it is such a cool and fun thing we have done.