#this a paracosm im very insecure about having

[heartofdaydreams]

Cosplayed another para. My Undertale paracosm has been really active lately so I went and cosplayed (OG) Sans

[autisticworlds]

its embarrassing that all of my neuronarrative experiences are primarily about romantic relationships. like my paracosm is rich and detailed, with a long history and plenty of opportunity for exportation, and theres a bigger story arc than the romantic stuff, but really, my relationships with my paras are at the heart of it, and its not even like i dont have that out here bc i do, idk why im like this but i suspect its a fictive thing, like the love of my human partners just isnt enough (1/2)

“2/2 when i could have deep connections with people without the culture clash and with more common ground. but like. its still embarrassing, it feels so silly and self indulgent to always need a romantic partner for it to be compelling”

I don’t think it is silly at all. I think there is actually no fundamental difference in romantic feelings for a real person and romantic feelings for someone who doesn’t exist in our physical universe. I wrote a whole article about that, you can read it here: http://autisticworlds.tumblr.com/post/150160413375/traveling-and-relationships - basically there is no such thing as a not real emotion because all emotions come from brain activity and biochemistry and it doesn’t matter what caused that activity, it still feels real because it is real.

And as someone who values love and affection immensely (even though I am not very romantic in a traditional sense, I experience a lot of romantic attraction), I think it is actually beautiful. It is beautiful that our brains are capable of such intense feelings and can simulate a physical experience inside our own heads. I have never dated anyone in real life but I have loved, many times, and it made a lasting impact on my personality and it is a major part of my experience. And I don’t think it is self-indulgent at all.

I have been in love with one particular person for almost five years. Let’s be honest, many real marriages don’t last that long! Five years is a long time and many things have happened in that time in my chosen world. We have been friends, and then we fell in love with each other, and we didn’t know about that and were afraid to tell that, and then that other person did and I was not sure if I should be in that relationships, but I agreed and we have been together ever since.

It wasn’t always good. There were couple very serious fights when we almost broke up. There were times when I was so angry and frustrated and hurt. There were times when it was more difficult than fun. For a significant amount of time it wasn’t very healthy and rather co-dependent. I had a lot of doubts and insecurities. There were many, many nights when I would cry because I love them so much and I couldn’t see them being hurt (which happens quite a lot). Really, often enough intense love hurts a lot, but it’s a good kind of hurt, and you wouldn’t change it for the world.

That’s not self-indulgent. That’s realistic. It has all the elements real relationships have and I experienced all those elements. It was not a sugary fantasy from start to finish. It was complex and bitter-sweet and pretty damn amazing. And it continues to be so. It is more than a simple daydream. It is a huge part of my neuronarrative experience - all the people I loved, romantically or not.

As for societal expectations… unrequited love is a very common part of human experience. Most people who experience romantic attraction had an unrequited crush, and some had been in love and their feelings weren’t returned. And it is not considered embarrassing and self-indulgent - it is considered sad but beautiful, almost poetic.

Many works of art were devoted to unrequited love or heartbreak. People sympathize with it, people consider it good even when it isn’t, and justify many things with it. Just think about Severus Snape from Harry Potter and how many people consider him a good person despite his abusive behavior because of his love for Lilly. It’s because they understand that unrequited love is still love and can feel just as intense even if you will never get a real life interaction with the object of your desires.

So why is neuronarrative relationships any different? If somebody was still in love with their partner even many years after they broke up with them and refused to date again people wouldn’t judge, they would understand. If somebody was in love with someone who can never return their feelings but still waited patiently and hoped, ignoring all other potential romantic partners, people wouldn’t judge, they would understand.

And if I’m in love with someone who doesn’t exist in this physical world but I am happy and not actively looking for a real life partner by being on ten different dating sites and going on blind dates, why should people judge me? If you have healthy romantic relationships with people you know in your neuronarrative worlds and that’s all you need, why should people judge you? How are we any different from people in the above examples?

So in conclusion I think our feelings are valid, our experiences are valid, our daydreaming is not embarrassing and we deserve as much respect and understanding as people who experience unrequited love. It was no my choice to fall in love with that person. It’s happened to me, and I am happy it did. And I will not allow the society to take that happiness away from me, because no-one can.

Maybe other people are lucky enough to find someone in real life who likes them and who they like and have relationships there are satisfied with. I’m not, I’ve never had that experience in the real world. So at least let me have my personal universes, and let me dream. Cause that’s what matters to me, and I also don’t deserve happiness. And so do you.