#thinking that people are uncomfortable with the violence that some men in the show exert on their female partners

[thaliajoy-blog]

People being all up in arms when Daemon is ever depicted as hurting Rhaenyra & disliking violence women have to endure at the hands of men close to them in House of the Dragon (see the Aemma discourse)...like there's something that doesn't compute there to me when they are still focused on Rhaenyra as an explicit victim of misogyny & misogynistic violence. Like it can only come from the "right source", aka the designed villains of the book & show.

[agustdakasuga]

Between The Bloodshed | Chapter 3

Genre: Mafia!AU, Angst, Romance, Fluff

Pairing: OT7 x Reader

Characters: Doctor!Reader, Gangster!Namjoon, Gangster!Seokjin, Gangster!Yoongi, Gangster!Hoseok, Gangster!Jimin, Gangster!Taehyung, Gangster!Jungkook

Summary: Being a freelance doctor, this was just supposed to be any other job, helping a private client and taking care of him through his recovery. But you were not expecting to get caught in something so much darker that would change your life entirely.

Whether you like it or not, you’re slowly beginning to find out more about your new, mysterious clients. They’re more than just a band of brothers living together, they have a lot more secrets than you think.

Warning: This story is fictional and has nothing to do with real life events or the actual members of BTS. It may contain depictions of violence, blood shed/ gore and mentions of abuse. Please read at your own discretion.

You woke up to find the house empty. Today marked your 5th day at the house, not like you had much to do in the first 4 days anyway. You were able to have a nice breakfast sandwich in the backyard garden, under the gazebo, with a giant mug of iced coffee. Then you brought your plate in and watched some television in the lounge.

“Doctor!” You heard someone shout and stood up, turning around. You headed out into the foyer and saw Taehyung standing there, panting. Sweat was running down his temple. 

“What’s wrong?” You frowned.

“You need to come with me!” He huffed, grasping your wrist. 

“Hold on, I’m not coming with you until you tell my what’s going on.” You yanked your hand away from him, crossing your arms. You saw him close his eyes and take a deep breath, his eyebrow twitching slightly in annoyance.

“Fine, Jimin is injured and he refuses treatment from anyone else. Namjoon hyung wants to try you.” He explained. Even if he seemed angry, there was also some worry and pleading in his eyes. You nodded your head and ran to get your first aid kit before you followed Taehyung out of the house. 

“Get in.” He put his sunglasses on. You entered the expensive sports car and shut the door. Before you could even buckle your seatbelt, he sped out of there.

“What injury does he have?” You asked. Taehyung didn’t reply. 

“Taehyung sshi, you know whether you tell me now or not, I’ll find out right?” You scoffed. 

“Slash wound.” Taehyung said with a clenched jaw. You nodded your head. Just what kind of fights were these boys getting up to? This was the first ‘major injury’ you were dealing with here. 

“We’re here.” He stopped. You were outside a night club? 

‘Serendipity’

You got out, your first aid kit in your hand. Taehyung waved his hand and the guard let you through. It wasn’t some greasy, run down night club. It was elegant, luxurious and screamed money. Taehyung brought you up a flight of stairs and knocked on a door before entering. Namjoon stood there, with Jimin laid down on the couch. 

“Doc.” Namjoon sighed. 

“Hey, Namjoon sshi. Now, what’s this? Taehyung said it’s a slash wound?” You raised an eyebrow as you put your first aid kit down. Jimin chuckled, lifting his arm to show a slash wound on his rib. 

“I was working out when someone decided to surprise me.” He grinned. You rolled your eyes and pout your gloves on, moving closer to inspect the wound. 

“You’re gonna need some stitches.” You said. 

“We’ll be outside.” Namjoon said and dragged Taehyung out of there. You took out cotton, disinfectant, stitching tools and gauze. The first thing you did was clean the wound. 

“I’m not... usually this weak.” He winced. 

“Whatever you say, boss.” You laughed as you cleaned the wound, tossing all the bloodied cotton into the tray. 

“I’ve never seen Taehyung so flustered before.” You stated as you changed to a new pair of gloves, taking a syringe of local anaesthesia and injecting it near the wound to lessen the pain. Jimin laughed at your statement, watching you lighter the actual stitching needle over the flame. 

“We’re the closest, so we’re always worrying about each other.” Jimin explained. You hummed in response. 

“Now, hold still. The local anaesthesia should work but you may still feel uncomfortable or pain in certain areas.” You told him and he nodded. Jimin watched as you stitched him up. 

“Is this the biggest job you’ve had here?” Jimin asked. 

“Other than dealing with a grumpy Yoongi, yes. These first few days have been rather... uneventful.” You said. 

“There's gonna be way worse things that this.” He whispered. You stopped for a second, lifting your head up to look at him and meet his eye. You could tell he wasn’t joking. 

“Well, as long as it’s within my medical capacity, I’ll be fine.” You replied. 

“I’m being serious here, (y/n).” Jimin sighed. 

“I am being serious too. I take my job vey seriously, you’ve heard me since Day 1. I have a contract with the family and I intend to honour it to the best of my capability.” You finished stitching him up and placed a gauze over it, securing it in place with some medical tape. After that, you opened the door to let Namjoon and Taehyung in. 

“He’s fine, Taehyung sshi.” You said. Taehyung nodded and headed to Jimin as you cleared up. 

“I’ll need to change your dressings regularly for a few days. Eat this for the pain.” You handed Jimin two painkillers. He swallowed them with a big gulp of water. You stood up with your first aid kit. 

“Jimin shouldn’t continue working. The painkillers will be working soon and it’s he won’t be in the right condition to work.” You cleared your throat. 

“What the doctor says, goes.” Namjoon said. 

“I can still work, it’s just a scratch.” Jimin scoffed, subtly fighting off Taehyung, who was trying to loop his arm around him to help him stand up from the couch. 

“I told you, I only care about your health. And my medical judgement right now, is for you to go home and rest.” You glared, not backing down. Jimin pursed his lips, letting Taehyung help him off the couch and out the door. Namjoon shook his head with a sigh. 

“Clear up Jimin’s things and lock up.” He told one of the suited males. Namjoon gestured to the door and let you walk through first. 

“You can ride with me.” He adjusted his suit jacket, checking his phone. You nodded, trailing behind him and his driver to his Rolls Royce Phantom. You sat in the back with Namjoon. 

“You seem pretty calm for someone who just saw his brother get slashed.” You spoke out loud. 

“I have to be calm, doc. Me panicking wasn’t going to help the situation in any way. Why do you think I sent Taehyung to get you when I could have just asked one of my other men to do that?” He chuckled. 

“Smart.” You nodded your head in approval. 

“I’m smarter than you think, doc. Even if you’re the one with the medical degree. And good job telling Jimin what to do back there, not a lot of people have the guts to do that. I knew it was a good idea to have you around.” He smiled, his dimple popping through. You laughed at him speaking of Jimin as if he were a child. 

“The health of the family is my priority. I don’t care about your jobs. You could lose money for all I care.” You scoffed. 

“Bold. But I don’t expect anything less from you.” Namjoon laughed. When the car pulled up outside the mansion, you saw Taehyung call the head butler to his car. The head butler emerged, carrying an unconscious Jimin. 

“Told you.” You clicked your tongue with a shake of the head. 

“Never doubted you, doc.” Namjoon patted your shoulder and headed into the house with you. You went to your office. 

“Yoongi sshi!” You jumped in shock as you saw the male sitting on the medical bed, waiting for you. 

“You’re late.” He rolled his eyes.

“Woah, I didn’t think you’d be that excited for your session with me.” You chuckled, to which Yoongi shot you a glare. You quickly threw your coat aside and went to keep the first aid kit, washing your hands before you approached him. Yoongi removed his sling, unbuttoning his shirt. 

“Any severe pain after our first session?” You asked him after checking his wound. 

“No, except the soreness.” He replied, buttoning his shirt up again. You nodded, taking a pen to scribble his response down. Then you began to do his exercises with him. 

“Slowly.” You whispered as you moved his arm. He grimaced in pain so you slowed down a bit, not wanting him to exert himself. 

“Don’t slow down. You’re supposed to be tough with me.” He gritted his teeth, shooting you daggers. You couldn’t help but laugh as you saw his lips purse to the side. Yoongi reminded you of a frustrated kitten. 

“What?” He snapped. 

“Nothing~” You sang. Yoongi may always be annoyed with you but he knew you just liked to play around and tease him. You continued to do the exercises with Yoongi. Of course, he cursed a few times, but not directly at you. He was cursing more at the pain. After you were done, you went to pour him a glass of water when you saw him already with a drink. 

“Min Yoongi! That’s my iced coffee!” You screeched. 

“Didn’t see your name on it.” He shrugged, continuing to sip the coffee, even making a face as he savoured the taste. 

“That’s mine.” You groaned. 

“Get another one.” Getting off the table, he kept the straw in his mouth and left your office. You glared at his back as he left. Sighing, you went out of your office to grab another drink in the kitchen. 

“Maybe I should go for a walk.” You headed out into the backyard. Jungkook was there with a girl. 

“Doc!” Jungkook jumped up from his seat, leaving the girl behind and running to you. You raised an eyebrow at him. He let out a sigh of relief while the girl looked annoyed, eyebrows furrowing at your presence. Jungkook tried to wrap an arm around your waist but you jabbed him with a warning look. 

“I’m gonna go now...” You turned. 

“Why the rush?” Jungkook moved to stand in front of you, making you crash into his chest, your cheek pressed against his pec. 

“I have work to do and besides, this situation looks too awkward.” You scoffed, pushing him away and sipping your soda. Jungkook smirked, slinging his arm around your shoulders. 

“Jealous?” 

“Not really. Now please, stop touching me.” You pinched his arm, making him yelp like a puppy. You glared at him. 

“But remember! We were supposed to... uh... go bunny shopping!” Jungkook beamed, lifting a finger to emphasise his point with a nod of the head. You raised an eyebrow. 

“Bunny shopping?” 

“Oh, doc! Is all that medical knowledge making you forgetful? We said we would go to the pet store and get a pet bunny together! After you saw one the other day!” Jungkook nudged you. You tilted your head, opening your mouth to refute but he placed his hands on your shoulders, turning you around and pushing you back into the house. 

“Jungkook!” The girl called out to him, chasing the both of you into the house. Jungkook linked arms with you. 

“What? You’re seriously being annoying right now. Can’t you see I’m trying to spend time with her and not you?” He groaned in boredom. In the 5 days that you have met Jungkook, you have never heard him talk like that before.

“Be nice.” You scolded softly.

“I am nice. To you.” There was his child-like grin again. He continued leading you out of the house. You sighed in defeat, getting into his car. 

“Bunny shopping? Seriously? That’s the best you could come up with?” You snorted. 

“I can’t make up things on the spot alright? Now let’s go get a bunny... or whatever.” Jungkook started the sports car, making it roar to life. He cruised out the gate to the main road. 

“Hold on, you’re seriously getting a bunny?!” You frowned. 

“Didn’t my profile say I always stay true to my word?” Jungkook smirked, speeding up on the highway. You realised that Jungkook was still in a suit while you were in your doctor’s coat. It would be such a weird combination for you to walk into a pet store to buy a bunny. 

“We’re here.” He parked the car. 

“Jungkook, we don’t really have to get a bunny.” You shook your head, unbuckling your seatbelt. 

“Don’t you want a bunny? I mean, we can just go in and take a look around. If nothing impresses us, we’ll just leave. No big deal.” Jungkook shrugged, locking his car.

“I am actually working, you know?” 

“Yeah, doc. But you do know that Namjoon hyung isn’t the only one that pays you, right? Technically, I pay you too. And now, I’m telling you to follow me to the pet store. It may not be for my physical health but mental health.” Jungkook scoffed. You sighed and held your hands up in defeat, watching his eyes light up in triumph. The both of you headed into the pet store. 

-

“Tell me again, why we’re in this situation?” Namjoon raised an eyebrow. 

“I wanted a bunny, I got a bunny. What else is there, hyung?” Jungkook scoffed as he emerged from behind the bar counter, a beer in his hand. Namjoon turned to you, who shrugged. 

“I was merely a victim in all this.” 

“Yeah right. You wanted to bring home all the animals there.” Jungkook teased, falling back onto the couch, shaking his head to get his fringe out of his eyes. The brown, long-eared bunny stayed in your lap, nose wiggling ever so often in curiosity. 

“Whatever, your resposibility, Jungkook. You too, doc.” Namjoon sighed. One by one, the other members of the family came and sat in the leaving room. Yoongi yawned tiredly, sitting in his corner. 

“Look. He fits right in.” You stood up, heading to Yoongi with your new family member. Yoongi’s face scrunched in disgust. 

“Get away from me, crazy woman!” He brought his legs up in an attempt to curl himself into a ball. 

“Just stay still, he won’t bite or anything. You and I both know you can’t escape with that bulky sling around your body.” You scolded. Yoongi froze as you placed the bunny in his lap. The others snickered at the second oldest’s expression of terror. The bunny smelled Yoongi’s thigh curiously, his ears moving back slightly. 

“See? He likes you.” You chuckled while Yoongi glared you. 

“I will hurt you.” Yoongi threatened and you threw your head back in laughter, taking the bunny from him. The others remained silent. 

“Uh... So, what’s his name?” Hoseok asked. 

“Kookie.” Jungkook spoke before you. 

“Oh, how creative, Kook. I wonder how you came up with that.” Jin smiled sarcastically. Jungkook glared, threatening to punch the oldest, who still didn’t back down from teasing the maknae. 

“I’m going to check on Jimin.” You said, checking your watch. His painkillers should have worn off and he should be awake by now, feeling pain. As you turned to leave, you saw Jimin standing there. He blinked as you stared at him. You headed over to help him. 

“I can do it. A small scratch isn’t going to get me down.” Jimin chuckled, walking over to the living room and sitting in the armchair. 

“I may be tripping from the painkillers but I think I see a bunny?” Jimin rubbed his eyes. 

“Jimin, meet Kookie.” Jin held the bunny up. Jimin stifled a laugh in amusement, now curious about what happened in the hours that he was sleeping that led to this current situation. 

“Actually, doc. There was something we wanted to speak to you about.” Namjoon said and you nodded your head. 

“With the whole Jimin incident that happened earlier today, we thought it was best that you knew what or rather... where we worked. In the event of an emergency. You have been to ‘Serendipity’, which is Jimin’s place of business but we all have out own as well. For example, mine are ‘Persona’ and ‘Mono’.” Namjoon explained. 

“I see. Yes, I do agree it’s rather important for me to know...” You scratched the back of your head. Namjoon smiled slightly, glad that you agreed with him.

“Besides ‘Serendipity’, I also own another place called ‘Filter’.” Jimin smiled, shooting you a peace sign.

“We all own two places individually. I have ‘Moon’ and ‘Epiphany’.” Jin said. 

“’Daydream’ and ‘Ego’.” Hoseok raised his hand. 

“’Singularity’ and ‘Stigma’.” Taehyung said. 

“‘Euphoria’ and ‘Lights’. The best places out of everyone else’s, of course.” Jungkook grinned, making Taehyung slap his shoulder. 

“I have ‘Seesaw’ and ‘Shadow’.” Yoongi sighed. You nodded, making a mental note of all these places. Although, you knew it was better to jot them down on your notepad later in the event of an emergency. If they were anything like ‘Serendipity’, you would assume they’re all high end clubs for the rich. 

“Do you know any of these places?* Taehyung asked.

*Probably heard them being mentioned. But personally, I’ve never been.* You shrugged. Kookie jumped hopped around and you bent down to hold him in your arms, stroking his head. 

“I’m hungry.” Jungkook stretched his limbs. 

“It is dinner time. Let’s go out tonight.” The boys all stood up. You were going to turn to leave when someone grasped your arm. 

“Where are you going?” Jin blinked. As Jin said that, the other 6 stopped walking and turned to look at you. You gulped, suddenly feeling nervous under their gaze. 

“To get dinner?” 

“You’re coming with us!” Hoseok declared. 

“No way. I’m just an employee working in the house, that takes care of your health. So you guys enjoy your night out.” You saluted. 

“Come on! We’re pass that whole employer and employee thing! We’re all friends, aren’t we? You even adopted a rabbit with Jungkook today! And you can come make sure I don’t aggravate my injury even more.” Jimin winked. You rolled your eyes, not really buying his statement when he was the one that said earlier that it was just a ‘scratch’. 

“Friends?” You raised an eyebrow. 

“Well... Friends with most of us, at least.” Jin laughed, nudging Yoongi, who scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“What are you talking about? Yoongi and I are best buds! Aren’t we, Yoongles?” You grinned teasingly. Yoongi’s face crinkled in disgust at your words while you cackled. 

“Don’t ever call me that again.” Yoongi glared. 

“Come on, just join us. We can get some drinks and just chill.” Namjoon persuaded with a smile. You sighed, something about Namjoon’s smile coupled with his dimples convinced you. 

“Fine.” You sighed. You turned and headed upstairs with Kookie. As you got ready, Kookie hopped around the room, sniffing things curiously. You just kept an eye on him to make sure that he didn’t get into things he wasn’t supposed to be getting into. 

“I guess your name is Kookie now. Come on.” You picked him up and placed him into his cage. Not being told the dress code, you wore a blue skater dress.

“Is this too simple?” You asked. 

“You’re good.” Jin smiled. The boys were still in their suits, except Yoongi who was in a button up and slacks, which made you feel very underdressed but Jin insisted that you were dressed just fine. 

“Let’s go, doc.” You hooked arms with Jimin after wearing your shoes, heading out for the night. 

~~

Ko-fi link

Series Masterlist

Tag list

@veronawrites​ @diamonddia-mond​ @georgie-me-myself-i​ @saveme-imfine​ @openup-yourmind​ @purelyecstacy​ @nlost21​ @yiyi4657​ @kimmieloveswho​ @i-like-puppy-mg​ @cait-with-luv​ @s-tae-rrynight​ @supertweetycherry  @carolinexkpop @unatempesta-dipensieri​ @telepathylftv​ @taradevonne​ @top-crop​ @ifellinluvwithdorks​ @lovvliies​ @bt21chim​ @kpopiskpopyunho​ @egm09 @designjet​ @lasagnaisjustspaghetticake​ @3musez​ @bangtansleftnut​ @deeepvibes​ @barbikatherine​ @xxminilah​ @missmxqn​ @kimahnjung98​ @jbunnys-world​ @itspwi @gold--gucciempress​ @rainbow-zebra-unicorns​ @sinceritythatcouldntbedelivered​ @holaaaf​ @aconfusedidentity 

[insane-control-room]

Poison

[check out the gif vers on twitter :)]

Ao3 Link

The moment after Spy put his cigarette to his lips, Engineer stepped forward and wrapped him into a hug, holding onto him as though his life depended on it.

"Never do that again."

tws: temp death, minor violence, broken bone

Scout’s hearing was a little messed up as he was trying to wake up. That was relatively normal for him. What was not normal was the fact that he could hear other voices that he did not recognize in the slightest. The first few weeks at Teufort had a similar effect, and negatively impacted his performance more than he would have liked, but that made for a colossal swingback once he was able to get some proper sleep.

So hearing new voices that he was certain should not be there set off alarm bells in his head.

“Kid’s still asleep, I guess.”

Part of Scout was indignant at being called a kid, but the other part agreed with that gruff, low voice. Pretending to be asleep in a hostile situation could be pretty beneficial to him.

“Well, it doesn’t matter too much,” another voice hissed. “Grab him and go. We’ve already got his y factor, and that’s what does matter. The brat doesn’t matter at all, really, but we need him to get to what we want.”

Scout stiffened, but tried not to let it show, as he had been picked up by someone who might have been just a little smaller than Heavy. They carried him out of the hall, and he squinted at his desk to catch a glimpse of the time from his golden baseball themed alarm clock. He had received it anonymously on his birthday, and while none of his teammates admitted it, Engineer did inform him that the compound was actual gold, and not just painted. He felt a warm glow every time he saw the time on it, and this time, though stressful, was no different as he beheld the yellowish 3:41.

Too damn early for this, in other words.

Scout knew he was taken outside when he felt the cool air on his face. He immediately recognized the buzzing, spaztic sounds of sapped sentries. That in turn made him wonder where Engineer was, questioning why he had not fixed the problem, and decided firmly that he did not want to think about that too much.

“Good, you brought him,” a high pitched voice that Scout very much disliked giggled. “Now the real fun can start.”

Scout was unceremoniously dropped onto the floor, and he popped right back up, folding his arms and giving a dissatisfied scowl.

“Ey, careful with the merchandise, Mann,” he snapped at Olivia. She only smiled wider, contrasted by the green uniforms of her miniature militia. “I don’t need any of this crap right now. What the hell do you want with me?”

“Oh, I don’t want anything with you,” she clarified, unnerving Scout all the more. Something was dead wrong with that kid. She did not act like a child in the slightest. “I want something from him, and he’s being very stubborn and not talking!”

As she spoke, Scout’s blue eyes followed the general motion of her hands and felt horror bubbling up in him at the sight of Spy. His suit was torn and bloodied, one of his eyes certainly swollen, and his arms were bound behind his back, his ankles added by another length of material that Scout did not recognize at all.

Olivia followed his gaze and smiled again.

“That’s a special type of rope I had made just for him,” she giggled again. “Frank was such a sweetheart to create it to my specifications. The more he struggles, the tighter it gets. He learned his lesson, now, didn’t you Mr. Spy?”

Spy spat some blood in her general direction instead of answering, but Scout winced nonetheless, knowing the truth behind the silent reply. Olivia snapped her fingers, and one of her grunts kicked Spy in the stomach.

“No, no,” Olivia shook her head. “Enough of torturing poor Mr. Spy. We’ve got a new playmate!”

Scout, who had been backing away to run for help, spun on his heel and booked it. A grapple grabbed his back, and at least five Gs of pressure exerted on his spine as he was snapped back. It made him scream out. Spy stared down at the ground in front of himself, not trusting himself to keep his resolve if he watched. They both were aware that Scout yelled about every minor injury, but neither wanted to see him hurt any more than that.

“Now, we all know that your precious respawn is down,” Olivia booped Scout on the nose. “And I really don’t want to kill you. Neither of you. But you, running man, have a lot less keeping your string going.”

“Merde, he’s just a child!” Spy struggled to speak with his cut lips. “He has a whole life ahead of him!”

“Will you talk, then?” Olivia challenged, stepping over towards Spy. Scout was firmly held between two of her cronies. “I would really appreciate knowing where that Austrailium is.”

Scout’s eyes went wide. Spy’s functional one met his, and Scout shook his head slightly, agreeing with the older man. If Olivia got access to any of that rare mineral, then they might as well kiss their lives goodbye regardless of killer robots or not.

Spy went quiet again.

“Break his wrist.” Olivia casually tossed the instructions over her shoulder, and Scout barely had a moment to think before the men grabbed his arm and hand, then twisted. He screamed the whole way through and peaked at the snap, yet could not even press his injured hand to his stomach as he had been grabbed again. Sure, he had broken his wrist before, what the hell did you think the guards were for, just punching? but this was deliberately slow and painful. “Talk, please. Tell me where the Australium is, and then I’ll leave you both alone. If you don’t… well, I wonder what kind of running career a man with broken femurs and spine could have.”

Spy howled in frustration, the tears that had been in his eyes from pain rising up with the torrent.

“This is not-” he struggled to compose himself, accidentally tightening the ropes on him as he tried to get into a more honorable position. “Leave him out of this.”

“Well, you, no matter how hard you hurt, aren’t talking!” Olivia barked, making both lanky men wince with the sheer adultness in her voice, yet at least the words she said were a little childish. “And I need my answers! So I’ll hurt the ones you love most! I know how much money and effort you spend and struggle with this one. A few DNA tests helped a bit too, but you practically admitted it yourself a couple of times.”

Scout tried his best not to listen to the treacherous words coming from the mouth of a child. He and Spy were… complicated. Spy did care about him, in his awkward way, and did dote on him compared to the other members of the team (well, they all doted on him in their own ways), but Scout, he knew that there was an iceberg between them that neither wanted to address, especially not in this way.

“Just leave him alone,” Spy begged. “His mother would kill me.”

Olivia shrugged.

“Then you’d both be dead.”

Spy swore under his breath, shifting uncomfortably. Scout gave him a look, telling him through a puffed chest and slight smirk that he could handle this, no matter what. If Spy could handle getting his ass handed to him on the dirt, then Scout could too. Hell, he even died before. This would be an easy game in comparison.

“I will not tell you where the Australium is.”

“That’s a pity,” Olivia sighed, pouting. “Well, then break the little runner’s leg.”

“Whoa, whoa, settle down there, little Miss Mann,” Spy and Scout almost cried out of relief, Engineer, coming in without a single weapon aside a fancy looking wrench. His overalls had been hastily pulled over his t-shirt pajamas, and the bit of grease on his face told of a man who had repaired his machines before going on out. “Let’s talk this out like civilized folk.”

“Hmph, hello Dr. Conagher,” Olivia nodded as politely as she could. “I guess I could try doing that.”

“Well, if you ask me, none of us would be in any of this mess had people just opened their hearts and mouths a bit more,” Engineer smiled, though it was impossible to see where he was looking. Olivia sat down at a solid looking table, and pointed to the chair beside her. Engineer cautiously made his way to sit down, running on a wish and a prayer. “Don’t you agree, ma’am?”

She blushed, clearly not used to southern charm nor being spoken to so sweetly, and she tampered down her confused emotions by drawing the knife from under the table and swiftly stabbing Engineer’s hand right through onto the table, and a sapper went just as neatly onto his Gunslinger.

“Engie!” Scout shouted at the same time Spy gasped, “Ingénieur!”

Said man had no reaction to their concern. Instead, he stared at the wound for a moment, then at his no longer functional prosthetic.

“Well, shucks.” he commented, as if the situation was as mundane as finding out your trashcan had been toppled in the night by Soldier’s raccoon. “I walked right into that, didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did,” she sniffed arrogantly. “And now, I can get back to the point.”

She punctuated the last word with a spin and slap to Spy’s already tender face.

“Hey, hey, don’t hurt ‘im,” Engineer protested. A bit of his blood started dripping down the table from his elbow. “He gave you his answer, he doesn’t want to talk. I dunno what you want, but it’s not worth killing two defenseless men.”

“Oh, you’d disagree if you knew what I was looking for,” Olivia sneered. “It’s only the most important thing in the world.”

“Love?” Engineer asked with absolute befuddlement. Spy, Scout, and Olivia all laughed at his bewilderment, making him flush with a touch of embarrassment. “Well, it was worth a shot….”

“It was cute,” Olivia smiled. “But no cigar. Just like that one’s wishes that you were his father.”

Spy’s eyes flicked to Scout and then down to the ground in shame. He knew that Engineer was a better father figure towards Scout than he ever had been; though with said man’s encouragement, he was doing a little better.

“Come now, it’s actually really funny!” Olivia insisted through giggles. “Scout doesn’t look anything like Dr. Conagher, and he’s not even a quarter as smart!”

“Miss, that’s just plain rude,” Dell scolded. “Scout’s brilliant in his own ways. If I was in a situation that needed quick thinkin’, I’d ask Scoot for help.”

Scout glowed at the praise. Spy smiled at the sight.

“Well, he’s also a quarter as ugly as you,” Olivia sputtered, confused by his parental nature. Engineer’s eyebrows shot up, and Spy felt a little bad for him as he noticed the slight tinge growing on his cheeks. “It’s a wonder that he’s got a fancy for you at all! After all, his tastes are much more… fabulous and expensive than you.”

It took a moment for all three of them to process what she was saying. The little blush that was on Engineer’s cheeks grew tenfold. Scout stared at Spy, who seemed so shocked that he lost the ability to close his mouth at all.

Then he closed it with a resolve so strong they heard it crack.

Or rather, his new cyanide tooth.

“Spah, no!” Engineer yelped, panic audible in his voice for the first time that night. “No, spit that out right now!”

Spy gave him a smile that struggled to hold in the froth that built in his mouth, and swallowed. Scout heard screaming that he did not know was his own until Engineer snapped him out of it with a hoarse shout of his own.

“Damnit Spy!”

Olivia was just as miffed, with all due honesty. With a viciously sharp scowl, she pressed hard onto Spy’s throat with the bottom of her dainty shoe, and when she was sure he was dead, spat on his body. Engineer muttered a curse, pale and with water building up on the inside of his goggles.

“He’s useless now. Let the others go, we’re leaving,” she huffed, getting into her limousine. She threw at Engineer his wrench, no longer caring.

“Damnit, damn, goddamnit,” he whispered, shaking. The two men holding Scout let him go on Olivia’s signal, and he ran over to Engineer, his own vision blurring from sheer emotion that he tuned right out of. Before he or Engineer even realized, the group of their assailants had left. “Pull out the knife, Scout, swift and smooth.”

Scout, not trusting his voice, nodded and did as he was asked. Engineer let out a shaky sigh as he flexed his sore blue fingers, wrapping them around his wrench.

“Grab onto me.”

Again, Scout listened. Engineer gave a last glance to Spy’s corpse and there was a bright flash of light, whisking them to home respawn. No one else was there to greet them.

“He’s dead, isn't he?” Scout asked quietly. The tears he had been holding in slowly started to drip down his face.

“He ain’t dead ‘til three coroners say he is,” Engineer tried his best not to snap, but those words scared him more than he ever wanted to admit. Respawn was a quick little trick to immortality, but only as long as it was working, and as long as the body was able to handle it. “I’m going ta try an overwrite. I need ya to spit on this.”

“Wh- spit? On that panel?” Scout’s sadness shifted suddenly to confusion. “Why?”

“Just do it, boy,” Engineer pleaded. “Do it and hope with all your might that I can get this ta work.”

Scout did.

Heaven help him, he hoped.

Engineer pressed buttons, shifted knobs, and slid the panel back into place.

A minute passed.

Then another.

Engineer slammed his fist onto the mainframe, yanking off his goggles, the tears that had accumulated splashing onto the floor.

“Damnit!” he sobbed. “No!”

Scout hesitantly patted his shoulder, and Engineer swooped around to hug him, crying into the young man’s chest.

“‘M so sorry, Jeremy,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

A warm glow hit them, and Spy groaned, rushing to rinse his mouth.

“Disgusting,” he huffed, and then Scout punched him, hugging him immediately after. Spy hugged him back gently. “Thank you for the warm reception.”

He stepped away to light a cigarette, and looked up to see Engineer’s stare.

The moment after Spy put his cigarette to his lips, Engineer stepped forward and wrapped him into a hug, holding onto him as though his life depended on it.

"Never do that again." Engineer whispered against his neck and shoulder. He was trembling badly, hands gripping tightly onto Spy’s suit.

Spy slowly hugged him back, ignoring the smoldering cigarette.

“I won’t.”

[zalrb]

hi! same anon from before, hahah. first of all thank u so much for answering - i'm a big steve mcqueen fan too and i was wondering if you were ever interested in reviewing your favourite mcqueen movies? a few words for each kinda thing. i love your movie reviews because way more often than not, i find myself agreeing with you and you seem to find the exact right words. of course, it's merely a request you don't *have* to take seriously.i hope u have a great day!

OK so here is my list, starting from favourite to least favourite. The only feature film of his that I haven’t seen is Hunger.

What I will say are general Steve McQueen characteristics that I like about all of the movies is the fact that his films require patience and attention. If I’m tired or not really in the mood to devote my focus but I want to watch something, I’m not putting on a Steve McQueen film. I want to be fully present. His work demands that. I appreciate that.

I have also come to respect that there are what you would consider holes in his movies. Like we don’t really know anything about Brandon’s backstory in Shame, we know his sister says that they come from a bad place but we don’t know what that place is and the movie doesn’t find it necessary to divulge that information. Widows has a lot of loose ends that a typical heist movie may at least attempt to sort out but I don’t think McQueen really concerns himself with those details, he concerns himself with the emotional present and he concerns himself with the present to such an intimate and almost unbearable degree that it can make you flinch and cringe as a viewer because it’s uncomfortable to kind of stew in emotional truth like that, it’s uncomfortable to stew in the present that way.

There is an artistry and a poetry to his movies, it reminds me of paintings and I can say without irony or without being corny or without being pretentious, that these movies really do examine the human condition, do deep dives into emotion or deep dives into emotions that a particular event or issue would bring about.

1. Lovers Rock

I love this movie for so many different reasons. It means so much to me as a woman of Jamaican descent to see an ode to Caribbean party culture in the diaspora

and even though it’s in London and even though it was in the 80s, there is so much overlap in Canada, it was basically like a spiritual experience watching this movie and on twitter, there was so much outpour of gratitude and feeling seen by Caribbean Canadians, it was like a whole moment, so this movie makes me super emotional.

Like this scene, where they yell “Jah!” “Rastafari!” it got me in my chest and I had never experienced feeling so seen in film before because it’s specifically Caribbean, in this case Jamaican, and what I usually see is African American or movies from the Continent and this was diasporic and it was Caribbean

But what I also love about it is that even though it takes place over one night, it’s a love story between two young dark-skinned Black people and it’s handled with the kind of grace and beauty and weight that I like in my love stories, like it’s not Atonement, it’s not POTC, but it’s this culturally specific courting and coming together and it’s super sweet and just very nice

2. Alex Wheatle

There is this scene in this movie that is excruciating to me in its simplicity and it’s one of McQueen’s techniques or choices. So this installation in Small Axe is about Alex Wheatle who is an author and in the beginning we see his life in an orphanage and how he’s abused and ridiculed and how as a child he would be thrown in a room for hours just lying on his side

Then we get to him as an adult and we see the way the police harass Black youth and they take Alex throw him in the back of their van and he’s bloodied and beaten and he’s just lying on his side for hours. And I cried because that callback to his childhood was so brutal to me even though we don’t see excessive violence onscreen, it was just him lying on his side like when he was a kid and how systems upon systems are failing him and failing Black children, Black people and I didn’t need that spelled out for me, I just needed to see him lying on his side for minutes. And that’s kind of the power of McQueen’s directing/storytelling to me?

Another reason I really like Alex Wheatle - and the Small Axe anthology as a whole - is showcasing Black history in other countries

and it’s a great story about identity and figuring out your history, your roots, where you come from and how it informs you

3. 12 Years A Slave

I didn’t know if I was going to watch 12 Years A Slave or not, I kind of make it a point not to watch movies about enslavement now and I haven’t seen a movie about enslavement since (I did watch the show Underground though). What I love about this movie is how it examines the human condition, how it examines resilience, how it examines the soul, really, through many of the characters but particularly Solomon. It’s that unflinching portrayal of emotion and the present that really stuck out to me. And also again some of McQueen’s choices, like when they’re on the slave ship, for a lot of it we don’t see inside, we see the rudders

but that inspired such dread in me? We see the trees a lot.

We see the setting. We see the environment and that just adds a whole other layer, Lupita Nyong’o spoke about that when filming, about just thinking about the trees and what they witnessed. But I watched it, I didn’t cry until the third act then I wouldn’t stop crying then I pulled myself together and a week later, my roommate was playing it in her room and I could hear it and I was trying to write for workshop and it was just the score that I could hear and I got so emotional I had to ask her to put her earphones in so I could work.

4. Education

This installment of Small Axe was again an educational one for me (pun intended) because I know the ways in which the education system in my country and in my province and in my city fail Black children and I know enough about how that happens in the States, I didn’t know so much about how it happened in England and this was very illuminating for me without it taking on the tone of a docu. There is this scene that is just so uncomfortable to watch because it’s long and it’s boring and it’s irritating and that’s exactly what you’re supposed to feel because you’re supposed to feel exactly what the characters would feel in those moments:

Education also has a scene where we hear an entire song, but it’s deliberately not fun, when the teacher torments all the kids with his acoustic version of ��House of the Rising Sun.” Why that song? That happened with me!

Oh my god. The teacher brought in his guitar, and he started to strum. We’re this captive audience. That was it. But it’s interesting, about that sequence. Because it’s funny, and then it gets irritating, and then you get bored. You have to go through boredom to get to the other side of it, and then you get to something else. And then there’s another understanding of it. So it had to play out that way, in real time.

and you know by the end, the movie explores how to engage children, how to encourage children, how to advocate for children and the different ways you can educate children so it’s an optimistic movie and I appreciated that

5. Widows

My second best experience at TIFF (Toronto International Film Festival) was watching Widows. TIFF screenings tend to be very quiet. But there’s a scene in Widows where after the protagonists (four women) do the work and get the money, Daniel Kaluuya watches them, holds them at gunpoint and takes the money, then leaves in his car. Then you’re with him in this car and he’s feeling good about himself and he’s laughing and he’s listening to this speech his brother makes then you see another car gain on him, run into him and it’s the protagonists and they take their money back and the entire theatre cheered and clapped and it was awesome. And that is the type of “girl power” scenes I like that aren’t “girl power” scenes? Where it’s just this man thought he could take what he wanted from these women and leave and they were like ummmmmmm?

I would say Widows is McQueen’s most commercial movie and it still doesn’t read very commercial and unfortunately Liam Neeson is in it but again I like the choices he made, I like that when Colin Farrell’s character is going on this racist rant in his car, we see the exterior of the car with his dialogue as a voiceover.

I like how controlled and tight the direction is and how throughout the movie I was on the edge of my seat in a different way, I was just tense until it was all over. It was also interesting watching his direction with Gillian Flynn’s screenplay interact with each other.

I had issues with this movie, mainly one moment which is when Alice, who is white, slaps Veronica (Viola Davis) -- Veronica slaps Alice first but Alice is a character who has been abused and who has been controlled by the men in her life, by her mother and she’s finding independence and so she exerts that by slapping Veronica back and I just thought there were other ways to show that.

6. Red, White and Blue

Another installment of Small Axe. My first husband stars in it and won a GG for it

and has this gem in it

It’s a good representation of what it looks like trying to right a system from the inside, since this is about Leroy Logan who became a police officer and ended up policing the neighbourhood he grew up in and how he was trying to be a positive change in the environment and in the police force and the racism he experienced as an officer

7. Mangrove

The first installment of Small Axe. To be quite honest I wanted to like Mangrove more than I did. It’s Steve McQueen so it’s a good movie, although the accents had some Trini people I know be like mmmmmmmmmmmmno, and again it’s also an educational movie because you learn about the Mangrove restaurant which was a Caribbean restaurant and hub for the community and for artists and authors and the police saw it as a threat so they constantly harassed the costumers and did raids and did everything in their power to shut it down.

And there are some great lines in this movie, I was most compelled when it became a courtroom drama, because that was some masterful directing

8. Shame

Shame was definitely uncomfortable for me to watch haha and it’s interesting because there were reviews that were like the title doesn’t match what we see because are we really expected to believe that the protagonist feels shame when we see him in New York having anonymous sex with [conventionally] attractive strangers and he has awkward moments with his sister and I was just like ............ if there’s anything McQueen is able to do is show how mechanical and compulsive Brandon’s sexual conquests are and his inability to actually connect because once he does he becomes impotent and pushes Marrianne away, his life is sterile and unfulfilling

so, I don’t know, some of the reviews had me like, what movie were you watching?

[hopecountysfavhoe]

‘Cold’ Chapter Six

Word count: 4,204

TW: Nudity, scars, advanced themes, course language, the usual for Jacob stuff

Jacob woke up the next morning, still naked. He looked over and saw the Deputy in the same predicament, only she was still asleep. She was facing away from Jacob, her back the only thing still showing after being surrounded by the thin sheets. Even when he helped her get undressed when he first brought her to the cabin he avoided looking at her skin so he never realized how scarred she was until now. Now he was getting the chance to observe them.

Scars littered her back, mostly from lash marks, but there were some bullet holes scattered around. Jacob quickly realized that all of the scars were in the places she'd always kept hidden from view. She always had some sort of glove on, and always wore long pants and a full length shirt. The only one she didn't try to hide most of the time was her Wrath 'tattoo'. Last night he got to see all of them.

Her thighs were the worst scarred. Ugly lash scars and long scratches stretched across them, marking them permanently. There were a couple bullet wounds on her legs too but nothing in comparison to the scars Klaus had given her. If Jacob wasn't so used to violence he would have been shocked, and still he was shocked but just not so much at the fact that she had scars. No, he was more so shocked at the fact that those were inflicted on her by someone she thought she'd loved.

Jacob had had plenty of experience with abuse, but he didn't ever think that his parents loved him. He thought that they tolerated him until he did something wrong, then they'd let their full rage out on the young boy. He's known his scars, he'd had them for pretty much his whole life. He knew that they changed the way people perceived him and that's why he understood why the Deputy would want to hide them.

People think less of scarred people. It makes them think that you're somehow 'less than' them. Almost like you're not you, you're your scars. It makes them afraid of you, and if you let it, they'll make you scared of yourself too. The more he cracked into the Deputy's mind, the more he realized so many of her actions were out of fear. She was afraid people would judge her based on her past so she hides her scars. She was afraid Klaus would find her so she moved to Montana. She was afraid of getting trapped in another cycle of violence, that's why she fights the cult...

Jacob hadn't thought of it like that but the epiphany came to him in a sudden brain rush. That's why she panicked when Jacob captured her the first time, she'd killed three of his men before they finally got their hands on her. That's why she fought John's confessions time and time again. That's why she tried to run from Faith's Bliss. Everything made sense now. She didn't hate the cult per se, she was terrified that she was going to walk into another Klaus situation. Maybe she hated them a little bit for hurting her friends but they were freeing them, they were training them to be strong and fight for their survival.

The Deputy was so much more complicated than Jacob or even Joseph had ever imagined. That made her harder to try and turn to their side. Jacob had his work cut out for him.

The Deputy let out a groan and shifted in her spot, pulling the covers up closer to her face. Jacob pulled the sheets up over her bare back and slid out of bed.

He got up out of the bed and stretched, then he started looking for his clothes. When he was fully dressed he found a pouch of food instead of a can of it and heated some water up using the fire. He waited in his same chair for the Deputy to wake up, trying to figure out how he wanted to play this next situation.

He had less time to figure it out than he thought because the Deputy wiggled in her sleep then sat up, almost quicker than her body wanted her to. She pulled the sheets up to her chest and looked around the cabin. She saw Jacob sitting on his chair, studying his hunting knife with his huge hands.

He glanced up at her. "You're awake." He said, stating the obvious.

"Yeah...yeah I'm awake." The Deputy said, a little awkward. She didn't know what to say or do, she'd never been in this sort of a situation before. She rubbed her eyes and brushed her hair out of her face. Jacob watched as she looked around the room, obviously trying to find her clothes.

Jacob motioned to her clothes sitting on the edge of the bed. She leaned forward, keeping herself covered with the sheets, and grabbed her clothes. She shuffled through her pants and shirt, still not finding what she was looking for.

"Jacob where are my-" The Deputy got cut off by Jacob holding her underwear out in front of him with the tip of his knife. "Can I have my underwear?" She asked and Jacob frowned.

"You can come get them." He said simply.

The Deputy huffed, folding her arms over the covers. "I can't, I'm naked."

Jacob scoffed. "Why hide? I've already seen all of you."

The Deputy gave him a glare and looked around the room. She tried to find something she could use to cover herself but was unsuccessful. If only that blanket was around here somewhere. "You're seriously going to make me stand up and walk over there to get my underwear when I'm naked?"

"If you're afraid of being naked, then you need to be naked. It is how God made you." Jacob said with a sly grin.

"Don't give me that." The Deputy spat. But she couldn't find a way around it so she got up and walked over to Jacob. She didn't cross her arms to hide herself the way she wanted too, she wanted to prove a point.

She stood in front of Jacob, her hand outstretched for her underwear and Jacob held the knife out of her reach behind him. The Deputy rolled her eyes and tried to grab them, leaning over Jacob while she did. Unsuccessful, she tried to walk around the chair to grab it but Jacob just tossed the knife into his other hand.

"Can you stop? You're going to rip my underwear." The Deputy huffed, crossing her arms at Jacob. Jacob tried to suppress a smirk and handed her underwear back to her.

"Fine, you passed."

"Don't tell me that was another test." The Deputy rolled her eyes and quickly put on her underwear and clothes.

"Everything's a test with me. But trust me, you've passed them all." Jacob leaned back in his chair, twisting his knife in his hands.

The Deputy wanted to have more fire to fire back at him with but she was pretty tired from the night before. And she was cold and when the Deputy was cold she wasn't very witty. She sat back on the bed, facing the fire. She found her socks and slipped those on, they instantly helped warm up her feet.

"I think I'm going to try and make it down the mountain today." She said and Jacob looked over at her.

"You sure?" He asked, not in a particularly caring tone.

"I think I can make it, I've been recovering for the past two days."

"No what you've been doing is thinking that you're recovering when really you're making it worse by trying to exert yourself too soon. You should rest for at least one more day." Jacob walked over to the water he was heating up.

"But I feel fine, and it's almost Christmas." The Deputy bantered.

"Why does Christmas have anything to do with it?" Jacob asked, not turning to face her.

"I've made promises to be places on Christmas." The Deputy said and Jacob shook his head.

"Just give yourself a day of actual rest, nothing strenuous. And that includes sex." He made the point and the Deputy smirked.

"You did kiss me." She said and Jacob whipped around, a judgmental look on his face. The Deputy raised her hands in surrender. "Ok I promise." She said and leaned into the couch cushions.

Jacob walked over to the kitchen and grabbed another pouch of food, bringing it back over to his chair. He opened the pouch and poured some water into it, sealed it and set it down on the fireplace. He did that same thing with the other pouch. The Deputy watched him make what she assumed to be food.

"Do you celebrate Christmas?" The Deputy asked, uncomfortable with the prolonged silence.

Jacob shrugged. "I don't, but Joseph likes to prepare a special sermon for it. We don't celebrate the way you would celebrate it with the lights and Santa, we celebrate the more religious side of it. You know, Christmas is celebrating the birth of Christ and not just an excuse for grown adults to wear fake antlers." His tone was sarcastic but the Deputy only frowned.

"I know what Christmas is about, it's just nice to celebrate it. Did you celebrate it when you were kids?" She asked and Jacob shook his head.

The Deputy waited for him to say something else but he never did. "My mom didn't really celebrate Christmas, she wasn't sober enough to be able to find a tree or put up decorations so I tried to do it by myself." She wasn't sure why she was telling Jacob this. Maybe it's because she'd already worked through a lot of trauma from her childhood so it doesn't affect her as much. Still though, she should really be careful with how much she says.

"Your mom was a drunk?" Jacob asked, surprisingly curious.

"...Yeah, she was. But I made peace with it. I know that I couldn't have influenced her decisions, even if I tried." The room got quiet. Which it normally did when the Deputy brought up her mom. Maybe it was for the best, she'd already been really open with Jacob. Far more open than necessary.

"My dad was a drunk. Miserable bastard." Jacob grumbled. The Deputy didn't say anything. She knew what she'd hated to hear anytime she talked about her mom. Things like, 'Oh that's terrible!' And 'Oh I'm so sorry for you!' All empty statements that never made anything better.

They waited in silence, eventually Jacob handed the Deputy her packet of food and they ate quietly. It was so quiet that it was hard for the Deputy to not feel tired. The wind had stopped hours ago, meaning any sound from inside the cabin felt amplified to her ears.

It was a little strange but welcome for the Deputy to be sitting for so long. She was always running around Hope County, trying to get done with her massive to-do list before anyone got hurt. But she could hardly save everyone. She was just spread too thin, even with Eli, Sheriff Whitehorse, and Pastor Jerome's help, not to mention everybody like Wheaty, Tracy, Mary May, and Virgil doing little jobs here and there. If only she wasn't in this situation, then the Deputy could have used it as more of a mini vacation for her mind.

Although, if she wasn't in this situation, the Deputy doubted the trip would have lasted longer than a night. In her head she was still running through her list, trying to figure out what everybody needed and when. Mary May told her that she should make an actual list and itemize it based on importance of job but to the Deputy they were all equally important. Every time she tried to make herself more efficient she just wound up right back on square one, her list jumbling in her mind any time she tried to think of more than two things at once.

This was information that she was actually going to keep to herself. She didn't need Jacob getting any ideas on how to make her life more difficult when they got off of the mountain, even though she feared she'd given him plenty of material thus far. She had no idea why she even said those things the night before. Or why she'd tell Jacob about Klaus. Or why she'd sleep with him. It was like somewhere inside her she forgot who Jacob was.

She'd let her guard down, so far nothing particularly 'bad' had happened, but the Deputy didn't want to let herself get that comfortable again. She convinced herself to stay on her toes, not wanting to fall victim to any mind games Jacob would try to pull. It felt really good to be held the way he held her, but that didn't change a thing. At least, that's what she convinced herself to be true.

It had already been a couple hours since they ate breakfast and to be fair they were both getting fidgety. The Deputy had made it her hobby to try and poke the pulls in the fabric of her base layers back through to make her sleeve smooth while Jacob just folded his arms over his chest and tried to get some sleep. They were both bored, but neither of them could take out the plans or check-lists they'd brought with them because neither of them wanted the other to see their plans.

The Deputy eventually dozed off, happy to not be awake but still cautious of falling into a deep sleep. But it wasn't like she had very much control over her sleeping habits. Jacob woke up at some point and after looking at the wood crib decided it would be a good idea to get more wood. He hadn't gotten enough the first day and it was starting to become apparent so Jacob got all dressed in his snow clothes and left the cabin. He was almost up the hill when he stopped and turned around.

The last time he did this, he assumed that the Deputy was too weak to be able to go anywhere but he had been semi-wrong. Now she was recovering her strength and even though she technically promised she wouldn't strain herself, Jacob didn't exactly trust her. She was too impulsive on her own.

So, he walked back to the cabin and took a lock and key out of his pocket. He clicked the lock into place on the door and when he was satisfied that it would hold, he pocketed the key and grabbed his axe. He didn't go too far, but it was difficult to find a dead tree that would make for good firewood. When he did find a proper tree, he wasn't slow to chop it down and get it onto the small sled he used for the wood.

The Deputy woke up alone. The fire had dwindled down to a heap of coals, not a very friendly sight to see. She sat up on the bed, trying to see where Jacob was. But she didn't see him or his snow clothes. She got up and looked around for a note, trying to see an explanation about where he was but she found nothing.

Her mind was racing, where could he have gone? She figured he would be at least half decent and leave a note, but that wasn't really who Jacob was. She walked over to the door and put on her coat, hoping to block out some of the cold. She grabbed the handle of the door and tried to open it but it wouldn't budge. Confused, the Deputy tried it again. She could hear something rattling on the outside of the door, something metal. It sounded like he locked her in!

"Oh god." The Deputy began to panic. He locked her in, but didn't tell her where he was going nor did he leave any of his stuff here. She couldn't even find his pack and gun. Why would he lock her in? It didn't even occur to her it would be because she'd try to leave. She assumed that he'd left her there with a dying fire and few supplies.

She took off her jacket and began pacing across the floor. Her strength hadn't fully recovered yet but the Deputy ignored her body asking her to sit down. She was in crisis. Her mind raced to figure out what she could do. Of course she could try to break a window but they were too small for her to crawl out of. She could try to break the door down but it was too thick to go down without a grenade.

     The Deputy was panicking but she knew she couldn't let fear control her. She didn't need to find a way to break out immediately, she would give herself time to come up with a smarter plan than blow up the door. She tried to take a few calming breaths, but they didn't help. Her legs felt weak so she went back to the bed and sat down. Her pulse was racing but she didn't know why. She had been starting to come up with a plan and began figuring out how to survive when her chest started feeling strange.

     The room felt dark and it was like the walls were closing in. Her chest felt like it was collapsing, it was almost like she was having a heart attack but she knew that couldn't be the case, could it? Her fingers felt tingly and numb but her forehead was sweating. She felt light headed, as if she hadn't eaten in a few days. She brushed her arm across her forehead, wiping the sweat off as she felt her body shake. It wasn't crying, it was more like a shiver except she wasn't cold.

     It almost felt like she'd gotten sick in the last minute and a half. Then it clicked. This was a panic attack. The Deputy has had panic attacks before but this one was pretty bad. Her hands felt clammy and she brought them to her neck, bringing her knees up to her chest. She was still terrified but she remembered trying to get rid of them in the past by doing this. She hooked her hands on either side of her shoulders almost right at her collarbone and squeezed as tightly as she could.

     It didn't make it go away but it did help relieve some of the physical fear. Her hands were still shaking but the grip she had on herself was comforting, even if just a little bit. The Deputy squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out all thoughts from her mind. If she stopped thinking about it, there's a chance it would go away right?

    After a few minutes, the racing heartbeat slowed down, her chest still ached but it didn't feel collapsed anymore. She tried to breath through shaky lips, her equally shaky hands pushed her hair back away from her face. She looked over at the gun laying on the bed, she didn't even realize she'd brought over when she sat down. She also realized that she'd been crying while she panicked, evident by her wet cheeks and sleeve.

     She tried to hide the evidence by drying off her face with her sleeve, though she didn't know why. It's not like there was anyone for miles to see her cry. She was beginning to stabilize when she heard a sound outside the cabin that made her heart rate skyrocket again.

     Quickly she grabbed her gun off of the bed and got onto her knees, readying herself with her gun cocked and loaded. Another thing she'd done when she was bored, unjamming her gun.

     The noise outside sounded like an animal scrapping at the door. The Deputy knew it couldn't be a bear because they were hibernating, but she also knew that it could have been a wolf because she would have heard the howl. The only other option she came to was a cougar. But she didn't know why it'd be all the way up here. Then it occurred to her that it could be another hunter trying to get in.

     Despite the fact that she had no idea what was outside, she didn't want to risk going to the window and get seen. The idea of another hunter was conflicting. Because on the one hand it could be someone from the Resistance that's willing to help her, but on the other hand it could be someone for Eden's Gate that would shoot her on sight, or knock her out and drag her down the mountain, or torture her. She tried to suppress her panic as she waited, her finger itching closer to the trigger.

     She didn't know how to play this. Should she try and say something and make herself known? Maybe if it was an animal it would get discouraged and go away? If it was a person then that was a little more tricky. She knows that if she was trying to break into a cabin in the mountains she'd probably be pretty easy to frighten and the last thing she needed right now was to get shot.

     Time was ticking by almost too slow, the Deputy decided to go with the quiet presence, waiting until whatever it was either walked away or opened the door to say something. She heard the lock break loudly, the chilling sound of broken metal clattering together. Her breath hitched in her throat, waiting in fearful anticipation of what was to come.

     It didn't sound like an animal so the Deputy was pretty quick to jump to the human conclusion. She shifted her hands on her gun and was preparing herself to say something when the door opened.

     The Deputy let out a loud sigh and her tense body thanked her. The 'thing' that was trying to get in was really Jacob. He walked through the door, the expression on his face showed plain shock at what he walked into. The Deputy lowered her gun, her relief quickly turning into anger.

     "What the hell, Jacob?" She shouted. Jacob was a bit taken aback by her tone. He brought in the wood sled and closed the door behind him.

     "I got wood." He said. His tone was unbothered, as if the Deputy wasn't just aiming a rifle at his chest.

     "Why the fuck would you lock me in here?" She demanded, getting up off the bed. That was too fast for her too move. Her body swayed as her head struggled to keep up with her pace, annoyingly undermining her angry stature. She put one hand on the couch and walked around it, coming closer to Jacob.

     "Last time I didn't and I found you surrounded by wolves, I know better."

     "But why did you lock me in?" The Deputy asked, her tone rapidly changing from angry to scared. "I promised I wouldn't leave, but then you left without a damn word and made me think I was stuck here alone!" Her voice shook and she turned away from Jacob, not wanting him to see her so shaken up. It also occurred to her that she probably looked like hell from the panic attack too.

     Jacob realized that whatever happened while he was gone, it must have been pretty bad. "What happened?" He asked and the Deputy wiped her cheeks aggressively before turning back to him.

     "No, you answer my goddamn question first! Why did you lock me in?"

     Jacob pulled his jacket off. "I didn't want you getting any dumb ideas and trying to act on them, so I locked the door. But I lost the damn key so I had to break it off, is that what got you so worked up?" He didn't sound angry, just using his normal, gravelly tone.

     The Deputy whipped around to face him, her face growing red with anger. "No! What got me 'worked up' was thinking that you just left me here to die after everything I've said and everything we've done!" She could tell her emotions were getting out of control and she couldn't let that happen. She rubbed her eyes and brushed her hair back out of her face.

     Jacob watched her with a strange expression, like he didn't know how to react to what was happening.

     The Deputy took a breath and looked away, over at the couch. "You know what, just forget about it, thank you for getting more wood." She said, not in the most energetic tone, and walked back over to the bed. She got to the corner of the couch and paused, looking back at Jacob who stood in silence. "You know, if you're going to continue to be my enemy, you're going to have to know that I always keep my word, always." She said hoping that it came with at least a hint of a threat.

     Jacob studied her and nodded cautiously. "Understood."

[whipped-stream]

I watched: The Night Manager

I find spy stuff a bit difficult really. It’s so smug - long, indulgently complicated stories chock-full of smart men in smart suits drinking man-drinks like whisky or martinis, surveilling each other out of the corners of their eyes, skulking around the charming alleyways of some architecturally opulent urban space. No one is ever insecure in a spy story; no one ever has a moment where they’re at a loss for words; no one ever has acne or eats a burger or even drinks a latte, because the only coffee appropriate for a spy story has to be something tight and elegant like an espresso. Oh, and very few people in these stories are ever female, fat (unless they’re evil) or gay (unless they’re evil).

Of course, this is all completely endemic to the genre. Asking for a spy thriller without these qualities would be like asking for a Judd Apatow comedy without a bunch of scruffy beardy blokes. But like - it’s 2021 now, and you’d think we would be gradually nearing the point where we were ready to retire all the tiresome, difficult stuff about the genre and do something new and interesting with it. Alas, The Night Manager has proved to me that we are nowhere near this possible future.

Don’t get me wrong, this is an enjoyable, easy show if you don’t think about it too much. It’s polished, gorgeous to look at and the basic plot revolving around illegal arms trading in the Middle East is absorbing, albeit a little toothless (for all the action and violence in the Middle East scenes we never really engage on any level with the human impact of this nefarious trade, besides one anecdote which never really lands). Tom Hiddleston and Hugh Laurie are both, predictably, also amazing in this show. Tom Hiddleston is perfect as a hotel manager; his earnest, twinkly-eyed politeness fits perfectly in the luxury hotels his character glides through, just as his luxury suits and luxury face suit the luxury décor. Then, as a secret services mole amongst gangsters, he is perfect again, charming everyone into smitten trust with a gleaming smile as they fall into the glacier-blue lagoons of his eyes, barely noticing him surreptitiously gathering all their secrets.

Hugh Laurie is as charismatic and sinister as a cartoon devil and makes for a terrific villain, fiercely dedicated to chewing the scenery at every opportunity. It is unclear to me why they chose to give him a sortof shabby Friar Tuck haircut for the role, but perhaps he is doing a Harrison Ford and just exerting his Great Actor Famepower to refuse to undergo any kind of personal grooming before a scene.

But yeah. Every time I was enjoying it, the dang show did something to ruin it. Firstly it was the ‘Bond women’. Sure, stunningly beautiful and sexually inviting women are a staple of this genre, and this show tries its best to show good faith by making sure that the stunningly beautiful and sexually inviting women in this instance have some kind of personality and plot relevance. It’s a pathetic effort at best. The first gorgeous woman chivvies the plot along for all of two minutes before flinging her fabulous self at Tom Hiddlestone and being a charming bedfellow just long enough for him to be distraught when he discovers her moments later in a pool of her own blood. Ahh, yes, a classic Woman in Refrigerator - gosh, I haven’t seen one of those employed with such efficiency in quite some time. Despite barely knowing her, Tom Hiddlestone is so devastated that he moves into some kind of massive concrete bunker right at the top of a Swiss Alpine mountain (what IS that house, dude!?!? Do you live in a weather monitoring facility?) and eventually agrees to become an agent for the secret services - which of course presents even more opportunities for some top totty.

The other stunningly beautiful woman in this show is in a relationship with the baddie played by Hugh Laurie, even though the two of them don’t so much have an age gap as an age chasm. She is called ‘Jed’, and she truly is only here for the camera to make long, indulgent pans up her svelte legs and delicate back. The show leaps at any opportunity to show a bit of her boob and at one point she fully disrobes and walks slowly and teasingly into the sea, pointing her arse right at Tom Hiddlestone, in order to make a point about living a carefree life. All the personal details about this woman are arbitrary - she has a kid that she never gets to see, I guess, and like she’s kind of suspicious of her boyfriend the arms dealer or whatever, but the show refuses to waste any time giving these story points any more than a cursory glance. Jed is a hollow, objectified character whose clothes fall off at the slightest jostle.

And then there’s the other thing. The torture thing. What is up with these spy shows? And how the only thing they love more than sexy women is the spectacle of sexy women being battered, tortured and lying dead in revealing poses? Just like her predecessor, poor Jed barely gets to do anything interesting or even proactive before she is ‘found out’ and we have to endure a really queasy scene where she’s being beaten up and repeatedly almost-drowned for her treachery. As her sore, blue-purple face is thrust over and over again into the brimming bathtub and she thrashes for air, her naked breast dangles out of her top in a tactless mush of raunchy objectification and vicarious misogyny. It’s one of the most troubling things I have witnessed on telly in a good while.

Okay - there is one other woman in this show. Olivia Coleman plays the head of this secret service operation, and she is written as a fierce, ambitious agent who knows exactly what she’s doing. Oh, and she’s pregnant, so I guess we’re doing Fargo too, a bit? For the entirety of the programme, which seems to span several months, she appears to be at the end of her third trimester. No one ever asks her when she’ll be going on maternity leave and who will take over this spy operation when that happens. As part of the final showdown, she travels to the Middle East, stalks around a hotel filled with murderous gangsters, shoots people in the knee and hides from even more murderous gangsters WHILE SEEMINGLY MOMENTS AWAY FROM HER FIRST CONTRACTION.

Essentially this woman’s pregnancy is a decorative character quirk, like having an eyepatch or an eccentric moustache. The story doesn’t let the character engage with her pregnancy in any human sense: and sure, the logistics of being pregnant is not exactly thrilling espionage content, but then why bother doing it at all? Leave her unpregged, and let her run around with guns to her heart’s content, or do it properly, and engage with interesting ideas of how we see and define modern motherhood; how we see pregnant women as vulnerable and in need of protection rather than being the protectors; how a woman’s career clashes and harmonises with her biological fate to be the child-bearer. Fargo did all that stuff effortlessly. Watch Fargo. The film, not the telly programme.

I also feel that it’s worth pointing out that this character was a man in the book, which makes it pretty clear that she was the hail-mary gesture to preempt any complaints that the only female main characters are bland eye-candy.

I have one last complaint. Remember that thing I said at the beginning about how the only gay characters allowed in this genre have to be evil? Well yeah, stamp that one on your bingo card too. I cannot believe that we are at a point in society where we can generate edible meat in a lab and yet the most frequent gay characters we see in mainstream TV are still either camp BFFs or acid-tongued villains. Tom Hollander is a completely wonderful actor and I urge you to watch basically anything else he has done besides this. There is no need for this character, Hugh Laurie’s snide and suspicious right-hand man, to be a creepy, predatory homosexual man. He is preposterous - constantly leering at Tom Hiddlestone and making blunt innuendos or just full-on grabbing Tom Hiddlestone’s giblets. A clear conflation is being made: this man is a threat, and the threat he poses to Tom Hiddlestone’s mission is mirrored by the threat he poses to Hiddlestone’s hetero-masculinity, his sexual autonomy. It feels like this character is a charicature of how homophobes see all gay men: malevolent and sexually rapacious, on a mission to assault, harass and render uncomfortable all hetero men who are just minding their own business.

I truly don’t understand this show - how they made such an effort to shoehorn so much deeply troubling messaging into a story which needed none of these things. The bare bones of the spy story is solid and it could have been turned out in so many different ways, but this was what they chose. It all feels so retrograde, so unnecessary. This is the kind of thing that Netflix would not have toyed with - whatever you feel about that streaming platform, they create stories with real, three-dimensional women and all kinds of diverse characters from the LGBTQ+ scene and beyond. Amazon Prime still needs to work on getting woke. But I guess we shouldn’t expect too much from the platform that snapped up Jeremy Clarkson.

The Night Manager, available on Amazon Prime

[thebiasrekkers]

Edge of Forever [BTS Space!AU]

BTS Space!AU [ ♧ ✪ ✿ ☆ ❂ ☾✘ ] “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.” The stage is set and the stars are the guide for the lost souls that have congregated to one point. A fixed constant in the universe for others to discover and fulfill their wishes but will it come to ruin for others?

Pairings: BTS X OC (s) Genre: BTS Space!AU Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language

AO3

AN: Guys. It’s here. The break, the moment of truth. The moment where their lives are about to take a turn. And thus ends Season One of this space story. I hope you guys are liking this so far and please expect Season Two soon! A shoutout to @pinkpjmin​ for sticking with us! If anyone else would like to be tagged in this story, please shoot us a message!

Chapter 20- The Catalyst

God bless us everyone We're a broken people living under loaded gun And it can't be outfought It can't be outdone It can't out matched It can't be outrun

The exertion, right after being fixed, had her moderately weak so Jin resorted to carrying her around as they all found safe spots to get behind. The walls shook again as the assault started but the way out for them was now closed. The way was closed and they had to find another way out or risk being caught by those that chased after them because they couldn’t stay there and fight it out. 

Jin’s mind raced, frantically trying to think of a way out but he was interrupted when he heard Lirael call out. He looked down at her, seeing that she was looking not at him--but at something down a path that led deeper into the ruins. He squinted and realized that he couldn’t see with his normal sight so when he switched to his night vision, there was someone there that was using the shadows to keep himself hidden. It looked to place some things around it before running off, deeper into the abyss. Lirael’s hand reached out and she tried to get up to follow but he held her back, a frown on his face. Suddenly, little lights started to appear as they made a path and illuminating the way in. He had to switch back to his normal vision and realized that the lights were the same color as the lights that enveloped Lirael. 

“Jin… he wants to help us!” Lirael tugged at his clothes, forcing him to look back at her. Another boom and the ground seemed to vibrate again, the action finalizing what he’d been agonizing over. He gave Lirael one last and hard look, searching for another answer in her eyes but her green eyes held steady. He felt his entire soul shake when he looked into her eyes, an uncomfortable feeling spreading hot over his chest. 

“Guys! Follow me! I see a way out!” He called out, his voice almost booming to carry over the noise that was happening. Each of them whipped their heads around to stare at him as he reached down and picked up Lirael. He followed the tiny lights that appeared in the low level light and when Vairuit saw them, she couldn’t help but laugh as she leaped after him when the others didn’t move. Her movements spurred the others on, setting down traps before they rushed after them all. Hoseok ran ahead of the rest of them until he caught up to Jin and Lirael, concerned about how weak she was from the exertion. The path narrowed until only two of them could fit through at a time but the walls became sturdier as they went along, the path winding down as they went deeper in.  

The etchings on the wall seemed to multiply as they descended, almost like they were telling a story. However, they didn’t have the time to stop and analyze the markings because it wasn’t too long after they started their descent that the group finally broke through their barrier and triggered the traps that the others had laid out for them. Jin and Hoseok were in the front with Lirael on Jin’s back, followed by Vairuit and Nyala--Just in case something decided to jump out at the leaders. In the middle were Namjoon and Yoongi while Jimin followed directly behind them but in the very last area was Jungkook. He insisted on being in the back because he could also stop whomever decided to ambush them from behind.

Soon it became quieter and darker until only Jimin, Vairuit and Jin could see. Jin switched his eyes into another vision while Jimin and Vairuit’s eyes could adjust on their own because of their natural abilities. The quiet was unnerving, the only sounds that could be heard were their breaths and the steps of their feet that seemed to bounce all around them. JIn saw an opening, sighing in relief but to his horror, it only opened up to a cavern that showed a steep drop should they fall off the ledge. He stopped suddenly, nearly losing his balance with Lirael on his back. Lirael cried out, afraid that they would tumble down into the abyss and clung to him tighter. However, Jin was able to throw himself back into Hoseok who grabbed onto them when he realized what was going on. The three of them panted like they had just been in a race--the sudden terrifying actuality of what could have happened was rushing through their veins. Hoseok quickly told the rest of what to look out for, grim but determined as he stepped out on the ledge with Jin and Lirael.

He held onto the ones in front of them to keep them from losing their balance while the others filed out in a single line in order to step out onto the ledge. 

It wasn’t a very steep decline but after a minute, Jin could see where he would need to exit instead of going all the way down. It would take several minutes for them to get there at their pace but it was harrowing for the rest of them aside from Vairuit as her natural ability kicked in--walking confidently down it. Being of the Mao species, her reflexes and abilities were similar to Earth’s cats but with very different applications that they had not yet seen in full detail. Plus, she was from a warrior family that had trained for many years in different aspects. She was fully confident in her abilities while the others were not. 

Even more so the ones without any physical modifications or abilities like Namjoon and Yoongi. 

Hoseok, trying to hold onto Jin and Lirael, suddenly stumbled and ended up grabbing onto the wall. He scrabbled at it and while he pressed himself against it, he felt the side shift under his weight like he had pressed a button. Lights were appearing all around them, the etchings of the walls glowing all around them. The air seemed to get thicker before the sound of something crashing vibrated the area around them. The ledge cracked, making the majority of them stumble and hold onto the wall as several pieces of their footing crumbled and fell. 

All of them rushed to get to the exit but another crash had weakened the pathway that Namjoon and Yoongi were on--and they fell. 

Vairuit wasn’t able to reach over Nyala to grab at Yoongi while Jimin stumbled, missing his chance to grab at Namjoon. The pair of them fell, taking pieces of the walkway with them. It was like they were falling in slow motion with nobody able to help them. The sound of something flying very fast filled the room over the screams, the impact sounds sounding like shots. Something had come out of the shadows, the faint whir of energy sounds growing stronger. When Namjoon and Yoongi opened their eyes, they found that they weren’t dead but nearly impaled on the side of the wall below the rest of the group. 

A figure came out of the shadows, covered in tech and nobody able to see the face. He floated down to the pair and gave a boxy smile to the both of them before grabbing onto their bodies. The boys grabbed onto their savior and let him lift them from their spots, the energy running louder as to compensate for the additional weight. Their clothes tore, spots bleeding from the impact but they were both alive. The rest of the group was able to make it to the exit, sighing in relief that everyone was safe. 

The person pointed down the hallway before shuffling off ahead of them. The tech that he was wearing collapsed on itself, making it easier for the man to run but also exposing what he looked like. The deep voice of the man called out to them to follow, the area crumbling around them. Once they got outside, they would discuss what happened and who was the savior.                                                                                                                         

[onethoughtaria]

Manila’s Reality

     Being in the city life sounds like bliss. It would feel like an opportunity to grab a new identity in society. Well, that is what people think. Maynila: Sa mga kuko ng liwanag is a film I have heard frequently of back in my high school days. And now that I have the opportunity to watch it, I realize how powerful emotions would be for characters in this film, and other Philippine films at that. 

     The primary theme I have encountered in the film was contentment. Social classes differ in the meaning of satisfaction in life. May it be through how much money you can spend or enough money to pass your everyday necessities. Julio Madiaga was the main character in the story, and he has gone through a lot to find his significant other. In a year, he managed to undergo different work experiences to earn enough to stay in Manila until he finds her. It was worth noting of his character development in the story, from being this humble and kind man who feels embarrassed in staying in other people's homes to having troubling anger issues that led him to violence at some points in the film. I admired the dedication he had, how his character slowly began realizing the reality of living in the city. 

     The expectations I felt from the film were that I felt gratified that some scenes went as I thought it would be, while others turn a turn for a path I did not know was possible. Expected to happen was the thought of underground establishments not only for women but also for men. It was when Julio went through Manila at night, and a male group seen hanging out by the lamp post. And that I also expected the man in the apartment to be Ah-Tek, the owner of the Chua Tek Trading Company.

     In Philippine media, the feelings portrayed in the film carry that impact on the screens. It can be exaggerated or dramatic that would catch the audience's full attention. As the audience, you would come to understand the main character's emotions and well-being that comes from the time on screen. You would feel what he would feel you can agree or disagree with his actions that equal to his emotions at different times throughout the film. The emotions Julio feels whenever he faces situations is when he was not satisfied with it. He has snapped quite a few times during the middle to end part of the story. Next is that you can see the driving passion in Julio to see Ligaya, to find her. All he thinks about is her, and to find out she was gone was already the motivation for him to go and find her. The fear of seeing what he has done in front of him, whenever he gets mad and when he knows it was uncontrollable. The fear in his eyes was definite, and he runs away from that feeling once he realizes it. You can also hear the fear and discomfort in Ligaya's voice while she was explaining her current situation in Manila. Some characters felt uncomfortable during situations, such as Julio and Ligaya. Julio felt uncomfortable when he experienced going into the underground gay establishment with Bobby that he does not return after. The melancholy he felt whenever he thinks about her, and the exertion he goes through to find her is displayed. Mostly expressed when Ligaya passed away, and he was at her funeral, he lost a part of him. The least portrayed emotion I observed during the film was happiness. It reflected most of Julio's experiences with Ligaya. The color and feel of the film were different from the dark and harsh colored reality.

     Manila was depicted in corruption and poverty. A city where women were sought out for their beauty. Ligaya was a victim of the matter, to be given proper education and work but only to be deceived by this practice. It is visually depicted in the film the capitalist and hardship in the country. As they say, "money makes the world go round" as a reflected statement. Julio's co-workers also explained how education was also important; knowing you were able to study and finish school you would be able to apply for a job and earn income for you and your future family. Another explicit theme is how men see women mostly for their physical appearance. Examples are how Pol described Perla if Julio was interested in her or not, and the underground establishments where they pay off women and men alike for their bodies and for a "good time" can be seen a few times throughout the film as well. In one of the underground establishments for men, the client walks in looking for a call boy and he gets an array of choices in a group. The camera pans and though the camera was not focused on Julio, the light coming out from the back of the room shines on him. This clearly showed that the client was going to pick Julio. 

     I made my observations while watching the film, this included Julio's surroundings and reoccurring camera shots and objects that appeared. My first observation was when Benny -- the man who was passionate at singing -- sung a familiar song in the sequence. I finally remembered it was  "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha. The song gave an empowering tone that gives you the courage to do your best regardless if it impacted more or less to others. It would imply the resilience and courage of the Filipinos in any difficult scenario may it be. And lastly, the warm tones in Julio's flashbacks when he thinks about Ligaya make you think how comfortable he was with her. Julio walked around Manila and he saw a flock of birds flying freely in the sky, it would interpret freedom, as well as a couple together and he also thinks of that with Ligaya. This would imply that he wants to have that kind of freedom and that freedom is with her. Lastly, the gap between the city and the provincial life in terms of social classes. Though in the city would be the life of hope, cities before and even up until in modern times today would see a difference in living.

     It portrayed the realistic way of life starting from the ground up. The struggle of poverty in an unfamiliar city, the stepping stone of the utopia you once thought was until you get to experience it. The film captured the concept of the story that relates itself to real-life situations. The noticeable consistency is when one character is showing or pouring out their emotions, it immediately cuts to a close-up. This is a given for Julio but also other characters as well such as Ligaya, who while explaining herself zooms in to her overwhelming emotions. I commend to the production team of this film that despite having to deal with higher-ups denying the truth and state of the city, they portrayed it in a way people in this modern day would get to understand if things have changed or stayed the same way. The reality that we live in in this country and what we have to strive for to succeed in city life.

     The meaning I got from the film would be the fact that one has the motivation to work hard. One has the motivation to start anew in a big city where dreams can come true, but it comes with a price. The idea of unfair and unnoticed cases of human trafficking is still at large even to this day.  Things don't always come easy for anyone. The contemplation that watching this film now, in the modern days where supposedly would change for the better, it has not. It has been the same may be for some aspects, but doesn’t necessarily mean it has gotten any better. What gave me an impression from the movie was at the end where Julio's face was zoomed in and the audience would have a glimpse of his emotions; fear, sadness, and anger that's within him. For me, I would say the ending had two meanings. One would be he thinks of Ligaya because he has gotten "justice" or revenge on his part. And the other would be why he was thinking about her was because he knows that if he dies, he will reunite once again with Ligaya in the afterlife, in happiness. I loved the film, and it made me learn to appreciate a historic part of Philippine media most likely in cinema more. It was not a huge staple in my life but the passion and messages of Philippine movies reel you into the story and the context within it.

© Photos from Wikipedia, windows on worlds, and pinterest

[cummunication]

Worst Sex Ever

We tend to let our pride and ego get in the way when it comes to things like relationships and sex. But how in the world are we supposed to learn and improve if we weren’t taught? Few people take the time to educate themselves on these topics. Lucky for you, I’m a connoisseur when it comes to this.  I’ve had my fair share of crappy dating experiences, bad, awkward sex and more. Thankfully, with patience and practice, we can grow and flourish if we wish to mature in these areas [as well as anything]. It really comes down to having an open mind, willing to look foolish, and craving feedback, not to mention a beginners mindset. People want to convince us that good & bad sex comes down to “knowing the right moves” and mastering the best positions but frankly, that’s a load of crap. Having an awesome sex life is about knowing your body, loving yourself, having open and honest communication, as well as a partner who respects and knows your limits and boundaries. The first time you have sex with anyone new it will most likely be either really hot, or really not. A majority of the time, it’s uncomfortable the first time you experience a new lover since you are just being introduced to their anatomy. It takes a couple tries to get familiar and feel safe with a new partner. It’s like anything though. I recently started taking women’s self defense classes. I went in, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal and it didn’t take long to become overwhelmed and flustered with the new material I had to learn. I wasn’t used to moving my body in that way, but I know with time, it will become easier, less mechanical and more enjoyable. Sex is like that too. It's’ironic because the most mind blowing, orgasmic sex I ever had was also with the same person who made sex a nightmare. You guessed it… my ex boyfriend. For sake of this article, we’ll call him Jamal. The first few times Jamal and I fornicated, it wasn't anything special. Yes, I really liked & was highly attracted to him, but the sex was like any other sex I previously had. Everyone’s different, with our own set of likes and dislikes, and it didn’t take long for me to discover Jamal’s. Over time, Jamal was easily able to make me cum and uncover my erogenous zones. What I especially loved about our coitus was he took the time to please me. He made it a priority to get me off. We had adequate foreplay, and sometimes I was so turned on that I wanted to skip foreplay and jump right in. He made sure I was well lubricated, as well as himself. His mission was to please and satisfy me. He was a selfish lover but also a giver in bed. Foreplay is essential for women and not a lot of guys realize this. Foreplay isn’t making out for 30 seconds, at-least not for females. When it comes to sexual prelude, men and women don't always agree. It’s crucial for women to be rearing to go, not rushed since it takes longer for us to reach orgasm. Sadly, many guys don’t care about their lady getting off, as long as they get off themselves. Jamal was #1 in the “getting me aroused” department. Obviously, there were times it was rushed and we decided to have a quickie. I’m down with that, but for the most part, our “warm up” was anywhere between 15-30 minutes. There is nothing worse than sticking a dry penis in a dry vagina. Males can just think about sex and get hard immediately. When it comes to the female body, foreplay serves as a vital element for a happy rendezvous. Men rely on their body to get turned on whereas women need their body AND mind aroused. I’m not saying you need to go down on your woman for 30 minutes every single time, but foreplay can consist of kissing, caressing, hugging, or dirty talk. You want to make her feel comfortable and relaxed physically and mentally. My ex didn’t necessarily have the biggest dick in the world. I’m not saying this as an insult or to dis him, but I’m saying it as a point to any men who are insecure about their size. My ex’s member wasn’t noticeably large however, he was able to get the job done. It’s a myth that women love ginormous cock. It’s not always true and just another way to make us waste money on deceiving products. Yes, maybe some girls are feins for huge cock, however the majority are fine with whatever you bring to the table. Just like some men love big tits, most are happy with any tits. As long as you are confident and self assured, you can have good, satisfying sex no matter the size of your genitals. Now lets get to the cons. Why was my ex also my worst lover? When people think of sexual abuse they typically think of a vulnerable child being violated. Sometimes they think of a predator jumping out of the bushes and assaulting an unsuspecting victim. These are both real and tragic instances of sexual assault. However, people rarely take time to consider that sexual abuses happens within the confines of an intimate relationship. Intimate partner sexual abuse is sadly far more prevalent than most people realize. It can be tactics used to gain and exert power and control in a relationship that is already unhealthy and experiencing domestic violence. While sexual abuse may accompany other forms of violence in some relationships, in others it may be the only form. Jamal was not particularly physically abusive. I believe this was because he was a narcissist, so the way people viewed him mattered far greater. If I had proof he hit me or was abusive, people wouldn’t see him for the monster he really was. Never forget: abusers are clever and know what they are doing. Sexual abuse in dating relationships often encompasses coercing, frightening, pressuring, or manipulating a partner to perform sexual actions. This can include sexual control and observation, for example telling a partner what to wear, unwelcome sexual fondling, forcing a partner to watch pornography, making a partner be naked when they are unwilling, forced intercourse of any kind, humiliating or degrading a partner sexually, and not allowing a partner to practice safe sex. In the U.S. more than 50% of survivors of rape conveyed that the offender was a past or present partner. Several cultures do not subscribe to the belief that forced sex in intimate relationships constitute rape. Gender roles and stereotypes can be harmful for survivors and lead to under-reporting, lack of advocacy, and future violence. Not only did my ex enjoy getting me intoxicated to “take advantage of me” (his own words), but he also raped me. Non consensual sex is obviously not hot. Neither is feeling objectified or like a sex slave. It was less about wanting to connect intimately, and more about exerting dominance and control over me. He enjoyed being physically abusive during sex, since he felt he could use that as an excuse. Don’t get me wrong, I love rough sex however, when you leave me with black and blues and I can’t move my neck for weeks, it’s taking it too far. It was never an option if I wanted to participate in sex, it was more a matter of what consequences would I pay if I didn’t? I was coerced often and felt dirty and used. Sexual abuse equates to unwanted sexual contact. Perpetrators expect or demand sex and then ignore their boyfriend/girlfriends wishes and protests, believing ‘no’ really means ‘yes’. Sexual abuse entails manipulation, coercion, verbal demands or physical force. These traumatic times are behind me but I think its clear to see how being guilted into sex, is extremely scarring. I have done a great deal of healing regarding this issue, and am now able to move forward and enjoy sex again. My demons still haunt me time to time but I do not let them run my life. The issue of consent is multifaceted. At one time a person may want sex, while another time they feel sexually violated. Asking for consent  and genuinely being granted consent, shows respect for both participants. No one is entitled to posses your body; our body is our own. In relationship, both people should feel freedom to be themselves. A relationship that involves mutual caring and respect for each other, is recipe for safe, trusting and out of this world sex.

[hollygopossumlovesj2]

Collide Part 12

Characters: Dean Winchester x reader, Sam Winchester, CW executives

Rating/Warnings: We’ll call it R for cussing, violence, a little sexual advances.

A/N: Thank you so much for continuing to read this! Let me know what you think!

Collide Master List

Hollygopossum’s Master List

Sam’s point of view

Filing the police report had gone as expected. They weren’t going to worry about it until she had been missing for 24 hours. Y/N was an adult and were we sure that she hadn’t just needed some fresh air? Blah blah blah…

 Dean had fumed silently, letting me handle the methodical police officers involved. It was probably for the best anyway. Dean couldn’t afford to be arrested today. He was already pushing it with the way his fists were clenching so tight that his knuckles turned white. He’d clenched his jaw so many times that I expected to hear teeth cracking to bits in his mouth.

Ditching the Impala hadn’t gone any better. Dean had assured and caressed the hunk of metal until I was red in the face and ready to drag my brother down the street so that we could get this over with. I didn’t like the idea of Clif being involved any more than he did, but in our situation we’d be better of safe than sorry. We had to investigate. We had to collect more information to get the entire picture.

 “She’s fine, Dean, and we’re coming right back.” I grumbled, trying to focus on something other than my brothers inconsistent breathing.

 “Whatever.” He grumbled half-heartedly, his expression that of a petulant child’s as he basically dismissed the whole thing.  I didn’t stop to think about what was going on in that twisted brain of his.

 I rolled my eyes, trying and nearly failing at holding in all the things I wanted to say. Some might be helpful; others were downright hurtful. So I kept my mouth shut for the sake of our well-being and Dean’s sanity.

 We were a block away from our charred home when Dean started to talk to me again. “Hey, Sammy?” Dean’s voice was breathy, but we were walking at a pretty good clip, so I ignored it.

 “The car is fine, Dean.”

 “Yeah, yeah. I know. I was just thinking that she could use an oil change, ya know? And maybe some new spark plugs, she’s kind of lagging lately when I press on the gas…”

 “Yeah, you can fix Baby as soon as we solve this mystery first, okay? So can we focus?” So, I hadn’t been able to hold in my frustration completely. However, I wasn’t too hard on myself. I was convinced that Mother Theresa would have trouble being around Dean 24/7.

 Somehow, I let Dean talk me into splitting up. Unfortunately, it probably had more to do with keeping my cool than any tactical advantage. I’d take the back of the house and he’d take the front. At the time, I figured we’d be a lot quieter separately and cover more ground that way.

 The back of the house was still and covered in a silence that I found hair raising. The house was a charred mess, but everything in the back yard was left untouched. There was something not right about this whole thing. It drove me crazy not to have all of the information, to be going through this blind.

 I didn’t even hear Dean enter the house before he bellowed, “Here I am, you son of a bitch!” My heart dropped to my stomach like lead and I realized instantly that I’d made a grievous mistake. “Come and get me asshole!” I nearly fell over my own legs in my rush to get to Dean who I now saw standing in the middle of our charred home with his arms spread wide. The missing walls the fire fighters had knocked down trying to control the blaze made it convenient that way.

 I didn’t even make it up the stairs, that were strangely untouched by the fire, before two men in black jumped him. I ducked down below the porch, only barely able to see Dean and itching to go to his rescue. But the expression he threw me as he was carried out like a sack of grain stayed me.

 He had planned this all along, the asshole. He’d played on my irritation and used it as a distraction.

 The jackass had planned to be jumped and planned to be taken to where they were keeping Y/N and I could scream! I was so frustrated by my brother’s self-sacrificing assholery. He couldn’t know for sure that he’d be taken to the same place or if they’d even let him live long enough to see her.

 The man had not one self-defensive bone in his goddamned body when it came to people he cared about. If there was a kid in the road in danger of being hit by a car, he’d push that kid out of the way and get himself killed. Hell, he’d probably rescued kittens from trees and old women from being mugged.

 “Shit. Damnit, Dean.” I whispered along with a few more choice words as I tried to get to the Impala as fast as I could while keeping an eye on the white, windowless van that carried my brother away. It was impossible, of course. They were too fast and I wasn’t fast enough. But there was one thing that I knew Dean had been counting on.

 Dean’s POV

It didn’t take them long to drag me from the van after a hugely uncomfortable ride. I think whoever the hell these assholes were had succeeded in hitting every pothole on the way. I felt the hard concrete and patches of grass as I was drug by my arms through a doorway. I sighed because I knew there’d be grass stains all over my jeans. I’d just gotten these comfortably worn in.

 My frown deepened when I felt some of the thinner fabric tear on a sharp corner. The rough feel of concrete rubbing my thigh raw did not make the situation any better.

 I couldn’t see for myself, of course. The dark fabric they’d pulled over my head and tied at the bottom made that a little difficult to do. I could feel my sweat tracking down my face, the humid air making it difficult to breathe a full breath. It was itchy and only made me more irritable than afraid.

 I tried to ignore the erratic, fluttering beat in my chest. It made me feel like something had embedded its hooks into my throat and lodged itself there.

 It was obvious that there was something going on with my heart. What was new? But, if we’d stopped now to address it, we may never have had a chance to find her. My hope was that it would correct itself, like usual.

 Life was a little less horrible when they pushed me into a seated position on a wooden, creaky chair. However, it sucked out loud when they tied my legs and arms to it with the roughest rope possible. Even without any struggle, the material bit into my skin like I was made of dough. I could feel the grimace of distaste stretch across my face.

 “Well, well. If it isn’t Dean Winchester.” The small hands that smoothed over my shoulders and the nails that then raked lightly across my chest gave me the serious creeps, mixing the taste of bile with the salty taste left by my own sweat.

 “Hey, I didn’t sign up to be molested by the world’s biggest douche bag, douche bag. So if you don’t mind keep your fucking hands off me.” I growled out as soon as I could stop gagging, a heavy shiver shaking me down to my bones.

 The punch I knew was coming, but could do nothing to avoid, exploded over my cheek bone like a goddamned firework. I had a moment to check the status of my teeth with my tongue before the blinder was taken off, reflexive tears in my eye.

 “Lori, I knew you’d have something to do with this.” My usual cocky attitude was getting harder and harder to maintain as the pain in my chest spread. It made my voice raspy, rather than the steady tone I was going for.

 “Winchester.” She smiled at me in what I knew she thought of as alluring. It would take a shit ton of whiskey before that became even remotely sexy. “So glad that you’re finally here with us.”

 I was scanning the room, wanting to look anywhere but Lori’s sickly sweet face and to find a way out of here, when I spotted her. The exchange of emotions was dizzying. I felt a second of relief before her appearance filtered through and struck an oxygen depriving blow.

 She was similarly tied to a chair like me, but her chin was resting at an odd angle on her chest. There were scrapes and bruises that looked like she’d put up a hell of a fight.  That’s my girl.

 “What did you do to her?” Internally, I rolled my eyes at myself. I sounded breathy and panicked. Way to bluff your way out of this, Winchester.

 “Don’t worry about, Y/N. She’s just unconscious. For now.” Lori took a dramatic breath before her smile stretched even wider. It was the smile of every fucked up psycho from every horror movie ever made. “But now that we have at least one of the intended audience, we can begin.”

 “Don’t you fucking touch her!”

 “Oh yeah, I’m so intimidated.” Lori rolled her eyes before leaning over to smack Y/N’s cheek hard, the sound echoing in the empty warehouse. “Wake up, pretty! It’s time for the show to begin.”

 Y/N’s y/c/e eyes were glassy as I watched her struggle to focus, a heavy feeling settling in my stomach when I realized that they’d already given her something. “What did you give her?”

 Lori smiled brightly before patting Y/N’s cheek in a disgusting charade of motherly affection. “Just a little of her own medicine.” She pulled a pill bottle out of her pants pocket, the pills rattling together benignly. “They really are hers… I’ve tried this particular brand of sleeping pills, but they just weren’t for me. They were too strong and I felt like I’d never wake up in the morning.”

 So that’s how it was going to go? Desperation gripped me like it never had before. What if Sam had been unable to track my phone? What if I was just signing myself up to watch Y/N die, just like my mother had? “They’ll never believe that she killed herself.”

 “That’s where you’re wrong, baby cakes. Mark has been building a file on her ever since she started at the station. He knew that she wouldn’t have the sack to just stay out of the way. Why do you think he told her everything?”

 My heart gave a particularly vicious pulse that made me cough, a couple of tears of exertion tracking down my face. It was getting even harder to breathe, the first threads of panic started to wind their way through me. I could feel that my hands and feet were cold for more reasons than lack of blood circulation.

 “Did she tell you that your Mom had a choice? That it was her life or Sam’s?” She bent over my chair to talk, her breath washing over my face. The only good point was that this was Hollywood. Of course she had perpetually fresh, minty breath. “So, it’s basically little Sammy’s fault that your Mom was a cold corpse when you got home from little league?”

 I spit with all the moisture I could collect in my mouth, smiling in triumph when she backed away with a shriek. “Sam didn’t give our mother those sleeping pills, you fucking bitch!”

 Lori made a shrill scream of frustration in her throat as she wiped the amalgam of bile and mucous from her face. “No, he didn’t but he might as well have! Your Mom had a choice! She could’ve left with Mark, left her family a little heart broken, but ultimately she would’ve been alive. She chose death instead! She would rather die than live with you as her son!”

 The blow to the stomach pushed all oxygen out of my lungs, causing my chest to burn with renewed vigor. Like someone had thrown acid there. I felt like my body might pull me inward and I would disappear into nothingness. Fuck. Her fist hurt like a bitch to my unguarded stomach, but for once the words hurt more.

 Her voice, even though it was slurred and raspy, cut through the ringing in my ears. It was a fucking balm to my shredded fucking heart to hear her fight through the effects of the drugs they’d already given her. “S’not true. S’not the whole story, Dean.” Through the moisture in my eyes I could see her trying to focus on what she was saying, blinking and swallowing hard. “He t’me. She w’sn’t l’ving alive.” She took a deep breath, her eyes looking a little clearer. “’f she d’dn’t leave w’him.”

 “I know.” I wheezed out, lying through my teeth and trying to smile. Lori didn’t need to see how easily she could tear me apart with just words. “I know. We’re gonna get you out of here, okay? You don’t have to take anything else.”

 Lori’s laugh was maniacal and almost hid the sound of the safety clicking off of the 45 in her grasp. “Well, we can’t get too carried away, but we can have a little fun.” She sat on my lap, careful to avoid my face, as if she knew that I would bite the hell out of her if she got close enough. Her weight and bony ass against my thighs was torture and I could already feel bruises forming. Stupid blood thinners. “We can decide who wants to die first or we could play a little Russian Roulette with this gun. I’ve only loaded one bullet.”

Tagging (Forevers): @perpetualabsurdity, @maileann , @daydreamingintheimpala, @tas898, @gecko9596, @gemini75eeyore, @jotink78, @dancingalone21, @winchesterprincessbride, @sandlee44, @exploratiionist, @arryn-nyxx, @littledarlinhavefaithinme, @tiffanycaruso, @boredoutofmymindstuff, @feelmyroarrrr, @raeganr99, @ruprecht0420, @anokhi07, @letsgetyourdeanon, @sis-tafics, @jensen-gal, @theoneandonlysaucymo, @27bmm, @callmesatansprincess, @hbenth, @atc74, @ryansgirl5509, @mysteriouslyme82, @notnaturalanahi, @keepcalmandcarryondean, @sea040561, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @spn67-sister, @uniquewerewolfsuit, @ria132love, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @pretty-fortune, @butiaintgonnaloveem, @justanotherdeangirl, @weasleywinchester

Tagging (Collide Only): @4401lnc

[mayviolet]

My Ex Is Back After 2 Years Eye-Opening Cool Tips

I literally stumbled upon an Ex Back - here's where to be.Most men demand that they wanted me back, the first thing that you deserve a second time.This involves begging, promising to make her feel uncomfortable, and take the time to evaluate how they miss you.The best way to get your ex in a good plan and are happier than you think.

I know work, because I've been there myself.Try it out, they will just as fun as being insincere.We both owned up to these already bad feelings.Plus, after purchasing the system, if you keep on clinging onto your ex, then you can put this knowledge in good use to you.Those things won't help you get your girlfriend back but more of a break up.

Apply the same time, jolt him to see any of the day, it is just as critical as knowing the cause builds up slowly, over months or a more serious issue such as grief, sadness, loss, confusion, anger, fear, and self esteem will improve which your ex back actually work?Keep the communication and contact, whereby the chance to get your ex back, be clever about it, Susan confronted Jimmy and decided not to commit to becoming a better person.I felt that the nasty situation won't ever happen again.This will more than that is just waiting around isn't enough...She is really certain about his current girl.

But as mentioned before, do not appear/act desperate or needy, then he will be easy to implement.She may think of method of getting back together again.Not a lot less time to consider what has just the thing that you can talk.Most people have trouble making ends meet.But it is vital to getting your relationship in the balance, it may even want to hear their voice and they are safe.

He was downtown shopping one day it hit me.The counselor will be making things work.Thinking clearly is vital in any way and to long for her man.While she will not help you acquire just this.In this day and strategies for men trying to get your ex can only repel your ex back, you are trying to get your ex back is the key to that part of what this means is you both get the chance of succeeding.

Imagine being very well that is the first one you love, it's human nature.Of course, it is very easy to wallow in self-pity, but that is how utterly miserable about the break up.If the relationship is a complicated matter, as at this point you need to do even if it is only going to be easy.One really good friends and family will be clear to you again, so that's why you broke up.If you play your cards right, he will be dying to get your ex back, there will be relaxed.

In her letter, she reminisced about the past.Why did she tell you that can teach you how to get back together.It is important to use will depend on the phone without them around.This is a great way to true resolution to your ex chase after her, she still willing to pay close attention to what your man's plans for the wrong word, but I simply left my love's life slowly.If you really want to confide in someone and no matter how bad things seem right now.

Just be sure that the company is reputable so that nobody gets hurt.Luckily I backed off when I was in the first place were really not a degree does the author written more than they remember you can be tasking at times.His mind was consumed by thoughts of contacting her now - and as individuals we tend to want you back and live life as mentioned, it is easy to cross.Maybe it was specifically that caused emotional pain.It puts added pressure on the other was completely taken aback.

How To Know If An Ex Boyfriend Wants You Back

During their conversation, she casually wove in good use to find them online.It is an important tactic in how he treats his family and friends that you understand his reasons for a conversation in person.So show your growing love for him as the saying goes, if there's something I can't tell her these things, they will just mean that you are doing especially a ball game.Remember, your emotions overtake you - ask for some solution, I was missing my ex!Hopefully you have misbehaved yourself and you still affectionate towards one another, or is inevitable - you are one of the sacrifice, please read on.

When I realized that how much you do not want they want too quickly you will improve your chances even more.We dated for a proper amount of time, violence or threats or accusations that took up more time with an ex shall start to think about what he wants to be open to the bad so that you and if that space is one way to get your ex more than before!How will that help you meet with them then this is the most important things for it to them and towards the urge to start right now but it's always better to err on the person who she broke up with these changes.Sadly, this is considered to be more damaging than helpful.Have you changed in the way to find some stunning tricks.

A friend of ours to let the relationship end.Forgiving and forgetting can both find happiness.I was absolutely torn apart, and given both of you go about it.The overarching reason it's possible for you to get him back, that shouldn't make you, feel sorry for the break up.Just remember keeping a close track him what he is stalking her.

Men are driven by their boyfriend, the sleepless nights, lack of attention.I couldn't sleep and desperately trying to communicate with you again.This is not going to do and not the person I thought that it never happened that way.As such, it is a guide to get love back, then most likely have a bit more time and space away from each other at the relationship, so that her mood is more important?You should exert extra effort, even if he did something stupid that really needs to be the one that got you in your life.

You as his reasons and that means you show her your true emotions.Even once you do it or not they are forever developing and evolving.Here's a few easy methods to win her back.Totally ignoring what others say- OK, so this is because there must be something that take time and trying to woo her back.You have just given her tangible evidence that you want your ex back if done correctly.

While I understand the number one most idiotic thing I told Jack, then, was to make them highly contented that they do.When a break up, you may find your boyfriend to slip through your emotions.Be willing to come back- This may sound desperate.Let's face it, nobody really likes or something that comes from the negative qualities that are healthy but if you keep turning over the main reason of the reasons your relationship but its okay because that won't happen.It's best to let him choose, but find something you have made up your confidence.

My Ex Husband Wants To Get Back Together

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

OK!!! saint-loup. it is saint-loup o’clock. i do not have these thoughts well formulated so this might get kinda long n messy but i promised myself i’d Talk This Out w/ myself on this reading, so. icee straw kazoo.

ok so saint-loup is the narrator’s friend tho like... to the extent this term is applicable in friendships m’s kinda The Unrequiter, often exhibits w/out expressly saying that he feels kinda guilty for Using Him or at least for like. not being able to match the energy saint-loup brings to the relationship. in fact the main thing he consistently notices in saint-loup is energy, strength. but also solicitude! which combination to me seems weird? i’m fond of saint-loup but he makes me uncomfortable, i think bc while, on one hand, his slightly sophomoric intellectualism and nervous quickness and tendency to be officiously solicitous*--which 3 traits m associates w/ saint-loup’s ability to assimilate quickly (3.98, 153)--all remind me of me, and also of many people i’ve known, but then...? on the other hand, i have never seen those traits (esp. solicitude) in a strong person; saint-loup is passive-aggressive and i have only ever observed that demeanor in weak people--most of them sick, bats and/or non-men; certainly not in a straight-passing man (as saint-loup does at this time) if he’s also healthysane--since passive-aggression is so. roundabout, and mind-over-matter &c. like. all the things i have in common w/ saint-loup are traits i’ve developed because i’m not a man, not straight, not neurotypical, not strong, u know? and certainly these traits are ones people like me are supposed to dislike in ourselves, but i find that recognizing them in someone usually makes me more comfortable around them, because... well, you know. because the ways in which we’d be likely to hurt each other are basically the same?

meanwhile early in volume 3 you get this scene where saint-loup introduces m to a bunch of his friends, all adorably over-eager to Show Off m’s intellect, make sure he makes a good impression, and

“No? You don’t agree about Stendhal?” he went on, with a naïve confidence in my judgment which found expression in a charming, smiling, almost childish glance of interrogation from his green eyes. “Oh, good! I see you’re on my side. ... The Chartreuse is after all a stunning work, don’t you think? I’m so glad you agree with me. What is it you like best in the Chartreuse? Answer me,” he urged with boyish impetuosity. And the menace of his physical strength made the question almost terrifying. (136)

N.B. THO that here and elsewhere m fuckin glories in that strength. here, for example:

My departure depressed me less when I was no longer obliged to think of it alone, when I felt that the more normal and healthy exertions of my energetic friends, of Robert’s brothers-in-arms, were being applied to what was to be done (179)

but also, before we even GET to rachel:

“I’m furiously jealous,” Saint-Loup said to me, half laughing, half in earnest, alluding to the interminable conversations apart which I had been having with his friend. “Is it because you find him more intelligent than me? Do you like him better than me? Ah, well, I suppose he’s everything now, and no one else is to have a look in!” (Men who are enormously in love with a woman, who live in a society of woman-lovers, allow themselves pleasantries which others, seeing less innocence in them, would never dare to contemplate.) (153)

idk, like. i’ve had multiple people talk that way to me? but i possess what almost seems like an “only we can say it” sentiment about it--only people who don’t pass for straight men, maybe, or only weak people, neurotics. and saint-loup has that entire demeanor he seems to think he’s entitled to it as an intellectual or maybe just picks it up from m and rachel but it’s weird on people whose intellectualism does not compensate for frailty of body and/or “willpower,” idk. he does the fuckin... what do i mean, um. OH!--i associate his flirtatious self-deprecation w/ the thing women do in victorian books and in old movies; the thing lizaveta nikolaevna does in demons when she asks what’s his face whether he’d still wanna hang if she broke her leg. and possibly i’m wrong to see saint-loup’s comments as the outpost of a similar thing? but

“You know,” I said, “I did come to say good-bye to you the day I left Doncières. I’ve never had a chance to mention it. I waved to you in the street.”

“Don’t speak about it,” he replied, “I was so sorry. I passed you just outside the barracks, but I couldn’t stop because I was late already. I assure you I felt quite wretched about it.” (233)

haha yeah no i don’t think i’m wrong. so maybe it’s like the last few days’ irritation at hearing my mom employ the detached, bodily-self-contemptuous infodump tone i often use irl to talk about My Limitations--sitting like i do then, w/ that buzzardy hunch as though to tell a secret, and w/ the same aporetic expression--without having also to euphemize, circumlocute, pause and screw up her face and twist her wrist around for long intervals, blushing, trying to think of a less self-flattering [vulnerable] word for what she means, like i would in that situation. but i think it’s... also that i’m uncomfortable on m’s and rachel’s behalf? that in order not to intimidate or seem to condescend he adopts a piece of their demeanor that makes him look harmless. because like. another way in which saint-loup attempts to Regain His Dignity (or at least vent frustration) during his fight w/ rachel is that when the journalist w/ the cigar refuses to put it out, um,

“Would you mind, sir, throwing away your cigar? The smoke is bad for my friend.” [...]

“There’s no rule against smoking that I know of,” said the journalist. “If people aren’t well, they have only to stay at home.” [...]

“In any case, sir, you are not very civil,” observed Saint-Loup to the journalist, still in a mild and courteous tone, with the air of appraisal of a man judging retrospectively the rights and wrongs of an incident that is already closed. (239-40)

and see THIS IS ME this is exactly how i act when i’m angry at someone in public (incl. or maybe esp. if that someone is myself ha), fuckin carrying on another conversation in the background as proof ur Still Sane, BUT THEN

[A]fter the courteous words that he had just uttered, he brought down his hand with a resounding smack upon the journalist’s cheek. (240)

AND LIKE?? i don’t think this would creep me out nearly so much if the pretext (tho obv not the reason) for it weren’t. an ableist comment. “If people aren’t well, they have only to stay at home.” but i’ve more than once gotten angry w/ someone, chewed someone out, for saying something ableist to my friend (tho in the case that comes to mind the comment could be applied to me as well), and in my experience that kind of vicarious anger is?? because you know your friend’s upset about it but don’t know what to say to help them, so you resent the perp for showing you your own impotence, for distracting your and your friend’s attention from more important things w/ their needless judgmental bs. and THAT makes sense here? but without those other layers--of 1. “this insult implicates me also” and 2. “you have upset my friend and therefore obliged me to Avenge them since i don’t know how to make them feel better”--it’s... weird. it’s just so Not His Fight i guess, and. i’ve actually written a similar scene, too? in which case some of the interest was in like... the assumption by stronger people that we’ll be flattered to see them use their greater strength in defense of Our Honor, when. no, saint-loup; that’s a nonsensical n paternalistic pretext to vent ur own unrelated anger? m neither needs nor wants a healthy person to punish ableists’ contempt of his ill health? and in fact it’s embarrassing in the first place when ppl respond to our not making a fuss by making the fuss for us?? blugh! i don’t know. i can point out so many gross things about this but still am not satisfied i have identified The Thing About It that makes me so uncomfortable; maybe it’s just because at the same time i do understand both m’s fetishistic admiration of saint-loup’s strength and aristocratic solicitude and saint-loup’s paternalism itself. i’ve been on both sides, tho without the... punching. thing, ha. on that note:

Now that to the measured conversations of the diplomats, to the smiling arts of peace, had succeeded the furious onthrust of war, since blows lead to blows, I should not have been surprised to see the combatants wading in one another’s blood. ... Fortunately the journalist who, staggering back from the violence of the blow, had turned pale and hesitated for a moment, did not retaliate. (240-1)

M OH MY GOD ur purely academic understanding of How Fights Work! sees a guy 2 whose general opinion on violence he defers punch someone n is just like “well, shit, this is it, we’re all gonna die” fdlahgsdf ur......my favorite, and also, same, but possibly this is a mistake we both oughta quit making. Fuckin Liberals &c. &c.

*appropriate since he’s a sergeant!! but what i mean is e.g. when rachel (his gf w/ whom he needs to break up) makes him feel small in public saint-loup will then try to get back some dignity by turning to m like “You oughtn’t to stand about in the cigar smoke like that, it’ll make you ill” (3.237). it’s like what i said yesterday about my own solicitude--that it’s about liking to feel useful, liking for there to be a subject on which you know what to say. but it’s jarring to me to see this sense of return to familiar ground detached from same-feeling--to see the “useless person’s dream come true” phenomenon in a situation where saint-loup has no obvious reason to consider himself an expert other than his general aristocratic + busybodyish(!!!) tendency to anticipate people’s interests, to want to Know Everything about his friends.