#thinking of arcade fire’s suburbs
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I feel a little bit sad that im moving from a more central area in Berlin to a more suburban one, but I think it’s just a matter of what i see outside my window changing. everyone says the area im moving to is wonderful except for the complete lack of nightlife. which like. i currently live in the nightlife hub of berlin and i have taken advantage of that exactly 0 times. in practical terms i would not be missing this. but idk i still feel a bit bad about it
#thinking of arcade fire’s suburbs#i was born in suburbia I grew up in suburbia and now im moving back to suburbia it’s like i can’t escape it#at least Berlin suburbia is more like Mumbai suburbia than US suburbia#in that it’s recognizably a city it’s just an area that’s more residential than commercial#that familiarity is soothing when I think of it like that actually. the area I grew up in in Mumbai wasn’t terrible it just wasn’t cool#but that doesn’t bother me now
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then send me a son
pairing: joel miller x reader
cws/tags: so much angst (w/ happy ending! i swear), discussion of suicide attempt (the canon one), suicidal ideations, losing a child, losing a parent, survivors guilt, discussions of abortion, unplanned pregnancy, p in v, oral sex, virginity loss (but it's not that big of deal/not a kink), both dealing w grief, ellie is dead, this is set in jackson post tlou pt I
summary: joel is put on suicide watch after he returns to jackson w/o ellie and reader becomes his 'caregiver' of sorts. lowkey enemies to lovers but also not bc it's kinda one-sided 'hatred'
a/n: author is pro-choice! and also understands the complexities of mental health that reader and joel do not at times (just wanted to make it clear that i understand... from personal experience... what depression is like as well as suicidal ideation).
title is from the song 'the suburbs' by arcade fire, but listen to the entirety of the suburbs (album) and funeral (album) if you want to understand my mindframe while writing this
the last sentence is a quote and i've reblogged it before but i'll find the image and post it/reblog it again
wc: 9.4k
masterlist | ko-fi | taglist
Joel is just surprised Tommy has the gall to ask, “Where’s Ellie?” when he arrives in Jackson alone.
In this world, when two people leave and only one comes back, you don’t ask because you already know what happened. You wait for that person to tell you about a miracle, and when they don’t, you know for sure.
“Heaven, if you believe in that sort of thing,” is Joel’s response.
But Joel doesn’t believe in Heaven or Hell, or anything other than ashes and dirt.
“I don’t know what to say,” Tommy says because he’d already said ‘I’m sorry’ when Sarah died, and that didn’t bring her back.
It takes a hefty amount of booze to get Joel to tell the story.
“I just hope she died for something. Then, at least, I’ll know I’m being selfish.”
I didn’t get that with Sarah, he thinks. She didn’t die for a ‘noble cause’. He doubts Ellie did either.
“You’re being put on watch,” Maria tells him the next morning – when he’s sober and asking what his duties are now that he’s back.
Life goes on, which means work goes on, so what’s my job? As long as it’s not burning bodies, I’ll be okay.
“Watch? Like I’m watching, or I’m being watched.”
“Being watched.”
He asks why, though he doesn’t need to. Tommy knows why he’s got that scar on his forehead.
“Fucking authoritarian bullshit,” he mutters, half into his pillow. “Thought you were a communist.”
“I am. And this has nothing to do with that.”
“I bet Tommy put you up to it anyway.”
“He didn’t ‘put me up to anything’.”
“But he told you, didn’t he?”
“He told me a long time ago.”
“Figures. You always knew I was a coward.”
“You say stuff like that, and then act like you don’t need help.”
“I didn’t say I don’t need help. I said I don’t want it.”
She’s silent, letting him continue. “Now let me grieve in peace, will you?”
She hums something akin to agreement, but asks for something that sounds like protest to him. “Where’s your gun?”
“Which one?”
“All of ‘em.”
He tells her because he doesn’t want Tommy or anyone else searching through all his bullshit because that’s what happens if he doesn’t give ‘em up.
“Want my kitchen knives too?” he says, almost wryly.
She takes most of them, but leaves the more blunt ones out of sympathy. He can have butter on his toast. Unless she takes the toaster so he can’t take it with him in the bathtub.
She leaves the toaster, and then, leaves him alone.
Quite frankly, he’s too old to kill himself. Sure, people do it at his age, but he’s so goddamn tired. Moreover, he knows he could get someone else to do it pretty easily. Maybe he could be a martyr. He could save someone from a clicker or a soldier. He could save someone’s life for once. But would that be enough to save his soul? To make it to Heaven and see Ellie and Sarah again?
Maybe, he would, if God really does love people the way some say he does. But if Joel was God, he’d deny himself entry.
He stays in bed for the rest of the day. Aside from the two times he eats. And once in the middle of the night to take a piss because he may be depressed, but the last of his dignity is motivation enough not to wet the bed.
He doesn’t shower or change his clothes. Not like he’s wearing a shirt anyway, just boxers ‘cause it’s too hot outside and he doesn’t want to get up and turn on the fan. Sleep doesn’t come easy, but it comes. It comes because it has to, reluctant as it is.
He wakes up to the voice of an unfamiliar woman. Quieter than Ellie or Sarah, less stern than Maria or Tess. Not like he was expecting to hear from three out of four of those women, not outside of his dreams.
You’ve always cared about people, saving lives and all that. But you’re no good with a gun, so Tommy finds a better job than patrol for you.
“You’re going to be watching my brother, Joel.”
“Like, spying on him?”
“No, like making sure he doesn’t kill himself.”
A suicidal man is nothing new, especially in this world, but Tommy’s bluntness about it is. He acts as if it’s a normal job. Like the ones in office buildings that sound wonderful even though the people who tell you about them assure you it was barely better than life is now. This new watchmen position is the same as patrol, in a way. Terrifying in the gravity it holds. You have to keep someone alive.
You can shoot deer, you can run quickly, you can hide well. You can survive on your own. But, at age 10, your mom bled out as you sat by her side. You were too weak to carry her, to dig a grave and bury her. Your survival feels unearned, but you’re no good with guns. You’d miss if you tried to do it. That’s a rare thought anyway, and surely not one you plan to ever speak aloud. They’d put you on watch too, which sounds suffocating, in all honesty.
You don’t know Joel. You’ve heard his name in passing, but you arrived in Jackson during the period of time he was gone. He was going to take some girl to some hospital for something or other.
“What about that girl?” you ask. “Is she not taking care of him?”
“She’s not around anymore.”
“Oh,” you say.
He just nods. The ‘why’ of the whole arrangement makes sense, but you’re still unclear on the ‘how’. Am I just supposed to stay in his house 24/7? Is he allowed to shower on his own? Do I have to cook or do laundry?
“Just check in on him. He’s not the most… personable, but don’t take anything he says to heart.”
Just check in on him. It sounds simpler than it will be, you know that much. Even keeping a plant alive takes more than ‘checking in on it’.
You arrive at his house around 10 AM. You assume he’ll be awake, but when you look around his living room and kitchen, you can’t find him. Oh God, you think. What if he’s…
He’s asleep in bed. You’re pretty sure. He’s lying there and there’s no evidence that anything’s wrong, but when you say his name from the doorway, he doesn’t move. So, you walk closer to him, just to make sure he’s breathing.
“Joel,” you say softly – because your other option is reaching out to touch him, and you feel that’s a little too personal, especially when he’s not wearing a shirt.
“Who the Hell are you and how did you get into my house?” he says.
“Tommy sent me.”
“Oh, so they’re making you watch me?”
“Yeah.”
You’re glad he knows about the arrangement. Maybe he’ll give you some direction on what to do with him.
“Must hate you if they stuck you with me.”
You can’t tell if he’s being ironic, but you hope so. Still, you don’t know how to respond. You decide on a simple, “I’ll let you get some sleep. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”
Though you’re alone in the room, you sit with perfect posture on Joel’s couch, looking around at the decor – or lack thereof – looking for clues about who this man is.
You think about making him breakfast, but you’d have to raid his cabinets to do so, and you’re terrified to make any missteps when it comes to Joel. You don’t think he’ll kill himself over burnt toast, but there is a persistent need lodged inside your brain to make him like you. It’s a little selfish when you should be focused on just keeping him alive, but maybe if he likes you, he’ll feel better, maybe you’ll feel better too. That’s still nothing but the ever-lingering hope in your heart. But it’s something.
He comes downstairs eventually, in a t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms.
“Good morning,” you say.
“No, it ain’t,” he says, heading in the direction of the kitchen.
“Do you want me to help you with anything? Breakfast or coffee?”
“I can make my own damn coffee, kid.”
And he does. The first shred of kindness you get from him is an offer to pour you a cup.
“I’m alright, but thank you.”
He sits down in a chair across from you and sips his coffee as you watch him awkwardly.
“Are you really gonna do that all day?”
“Do what?”
“Sit there and stare at me.”
“I don’t know what else to do.”
“You could leave, for starters.”
“I’ll get in trouble.”
“What? You afraid Tommy’ll get upset with you?”
“A little.”
“He’s a softie. I wouldn’t worry too much.”
You are worried. Sure, you want Tommy to be happy with you, but moreover, you don’t want to leave Joel alone lest something happen to him. You might not know the guy very well, but you’d hate to see someone take their own life.
“Can I just stay here? I promise I’ll leave you alone.”
He shrugs, and you take it as a yes.
He does not need a caregiver or a watchman. He does not need you, but you look like a kicked puppy and there’s no way he’ll force you to leave. Another young girl he’ll reluctantly let stick by his side. It’s almost cruel of Tommy to send someone like you. Someone young and full of life. Someone he has a hard time pushing away.
He should’ve sent Joel a crotchety old bitch or a drill sergeant. Maybe Tommy thinks he’s doing Joel a favor by giving him a nice girl, polite and eager to please. It’s a good thing your chipper attitude irritates him. It’s the first item on the very small list of qualities that Joel dislikes.
At first, he insists on making his own food. You’re still a guest, even if he’s reluctant to have you as one. It doesn’t matter where he lives, he’ll always have been raised in Texas. He’ll always hear his mother calling him out on his lack of manners. His hospitality is force of habit.
Plus, if he lets you do anything for him, he’ll owe you something – at least in his mind. And he doesn’t want to owe anyone anything. He doesn’t want to give or get or build any kind of rapport with you whatsoever, especially since you seem to take all attention as progress, despite the fact that Joel is harsh with you most of the time.
The whole ordeal makes him feel like more of a failure than he did before. He couldn’t save Ellie, or Sarah for that matter, and now he’s being forced into his own retirement or held hostage depending on how you look at it, so he can’t even get the satisfaction that productivity brings.
He also finds himself pretty fucking bored without work. He became so used to being in constant battle, even in his sleep. One wrong move and he was dead. The worst injury he’s gotten in the past few weeks was a paper cut.
Reading was never his biggest hobby, but it’s not bad when you find the right book. Often, you’ll sit across the room from him and read a book of your own, and the silence as he relaxes into the couch is quite peaceful for a change.
No amount of peace and quiet can cure his boredom, though. It makes him antsy, and you notice. You notice a lot when your job is just staring at him, it seems.
“I found a book of crossword puzzles,” you announce.
“Congratulations,” Joel says.
“I thought since you were bored, I’d give them to you, and maybe you could do them���”
By the look on your face, he can guess that you’re regretting your words. Lest he make you cry, he accepts the book.
“Plus, it looks kind of old so I don’t know if I’d know how to do it myself,” you add.
He knows you don’t mean it as an insult, but it sounds like one, and it makes him laugh. The list of qualities Joel likes about you is already long — and buried deep in his subconscious — but he’ll have to add the fact that you can make him laugh.
“Are you calling me old?”
“Not in a bad way. You’re just older than I am.”
He flips through the book and finds that about 80% of them are done.
“Somebody did most of these already.”
“I’m sorry… maybe I could erase that person’s answers and then you could do them?”
“I think I’d still be able to tell.”
You hang your head in defeat.
“Gimme a pencil and I’ll try the ones that aren’t done yet.”
You look through his junk drawer, find a pencil, and hand it to him. He doesn’t expect you to sit on the couch next to him.
“I know you’re supposed to watch me, but you don’t have to watch that closely.”
You move away slightly, no longer looking over his shoulder.
“I was just curious about the answers.”
“I was kidding around,” he says (though, it’s only a half-truth). “Come back here.”
It takes him about a week to finish the book.
“Had to go back and fix some of the others,” he says. “The person who originally filled ‘em out was an idiot.”
“That’s not very nice. Maybe it was a kid.”
“Kid had great handwriting, then.”
You pause, hesitating for a reason he can’t pinpoint.
“What? You want me to say sorry for calling that guy an idiot. ‘Cause I will if it matters that much to you.”
“No, no, fuck that guy, he was an idiot,” you say, clearly taking after him.
“Language, Missy,” he says, jokingly scolding you.
“Sorry. I should stop swearing.”
“It’s okay. You probably picked it up from me anyway.”
“Maybe,” you agree. You’re fidgeting, holding something behind your back, he notices.
“Whatcha got there?”
“Oh, it’s nothing, really,” you say, holding it out to him. “I just figured since you finished the crossword book, I should get you more.”
He only did the crosswords for you. He never really cared for them anyway. He just wanted to make you happy — he’d rather have you content than pissy or whiny. The only thing worse than your constant insistence on getting his approval would be if you just sat there and cried all day.
He’d tried to give the book back to you, but you couldn’t do ‘em on your own since you were lacking in 90s pop culture knowledge. So, he did them, with you watching over his shoulder the whole time.
He’s about to admit this to you and hand the new one back over to you when he looks at the pages – white paper, stapled together, all drawn up in pen.
“Did you make these?” he asks, in awe of both your ability to draw perfectly straight lines, and moreover, how much you must care if you’re willing to go to these lengths. Kiss-ass behavior, he tells himself.
You nod, and he gets the sudden urge to hug you, but opts for a thank you with a smile he can’t repress.
“You didn’t have to do all this, but it’s very sweet of you.”
He considers taking back the ‘very sweet’ comment when he finds that 3 down is four letters with the prompt “grumpy old man”. JOEL fits perfectly in the blank spaces.
You go on walks, read endless books, and Joel finally lets you start taking on some of the housework. It should be nice, but you get the feeling he’s not all that happy about this situation. Not that he tells you it outright. He doesn’t tell you much at all. And you’ve tried. It’s not like you’re asking hard-hitting questions.
“How old are you?”
“56.”
“What’s your favorite color?”
“Blue.”
He doesn’t even bother to ask the same question back to you. Sometimes, he doesn’t even look up at you when you speak to him. You know it’s the depression of losing someone close to you, you know what that feels like – the problem is, you don’t know how to fix it. You only know how to hide it.
It’s quite simple, in theory. All you have to do is give him the desire to get out of bed every day. But you don’t even know what he likes. All you know is that your presence is not high on his list of favorite things. You try and try until you swear his shitty attitude is rubbing off on you.
Tommy checks in with you periodically, asking you how things are going with Joel, and this would be the perfect opportunity for you to get out of this position, which Joel would probably love, but to spite him, you tell Tommy it’s going well.
And it is, in a way – Joel is not actively mean to you. He doesn’t insult you or argue with you, he just mostly ignores you. So, you figure if you ignore him, maybe he’ll miss your attention. Stupid teenage bullshit mindset, acting like you have a crush on him, playing some sort of push and pull game that he’s not even privy to.
But that’s not like you. That brooding behavior is all Joel, so it lasts no more than a day or so until you go back to trying, and accept the fact that he’s just an asshole. Doesn’t mean you have to be one.
You never expected to win him over with the crossword puzzles but you see the look in his eyes when you give him the homemade ones, and you know there’s something in there besides all that pain. You know that look, can’t put a name to it, all you know is that it’s a good sign, one you had yet to see from Joel.
Joel wouldn’t have thought he’d get tired of hearing someone ask, “can I do anything for you?”, constantly begging to dote on him, to care for him. The last time someone did this for him was on Father’s Day, which is an ancient holiday now, almost mythical.
But it’s been weeks of the same old shit. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, you’re probably the best ‘caregiver’ he could’ve gotten stuck with. Thing is, though, he doesn’t want a caregiver, and he’s tired of said caregiver bombarding him. It’s enough to just have her watching him like a hawk, but yapping in his ear is another thing. Because he enjoys the quiet (and because the way you ask him questions reminds him of Ellie.)
It’s a joke, a stupid joke. It’s his patience wearing thin.
“Can I get you anything?” you ask.
“Sure. A beer, maybe. And a fuckin’ blowjob,” he mutters. Yeah, that’d be the dream but it’s a joke, bordering on a jab at you.
“I don’t think we have any beer,” you say. You both know damn well there’s no alcohol in the house.
“I know.”
“And, as for the other thing- is that something that you’d want… me to do?”
“Hey,” his tone softens. “Sweetheart, it was a joke. I was messing with you.”
“Okay, so you don’t want that, correct?”
“It was a joke. I’m sorry I even said it.”
“Don’t be sorry,” you say, sheepishly. “It’s your house, your rules, right?”
The concept of free speech in his house was one he’d brought up regarding ‘swear words’— It’s his house so he’s allowed to say ‘fuck’, ‘shit’, ‘bitch’, and every other word he could come up with, and he came up with some deep cuts just to make you laugh. Admittedly, it’s a nice sound.
“Yeah.” He thinks for a moment. “I just think that these sorts of topics aren’t appropriate for someone…”
“You know I’m an adult, right, Joel?”
“Yes, I know, but you’re still young and you seem a little innocent. I don’t want to put those types of thoughts in your head.”
“I know what a blowjob is, and I know what sex is. I just haven’t found the right person yet. That doesn’t mean I’ve never thought about it or whatever.”
You rarely snap at him, so he knows that word — innocent — must’ve been more offensive than he’d meant it. Maybe you’re not innocent. Maybe you’re just kind and a hell of a lot younger than him. Maybe it just seems like you should be.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m just saying that I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
“But do you want it?” You punctuate every word with a newfound annoyance.
“It’s not about that.”
“Yes it is.” You’re quite incredulous for someone who has been presented with the idea only a moment ago.
“Fine. Yes, in theory, if we were just two people who know each other, then, sure, if you offered, I’d say yes.”
“I offered.”
The way he calls you ‘sweetheart’ feels more like an insult than a term of endearment. You’d rather be ‘kid’ or nothing at all, anything less patronizing. It’s worse when he calls you innocent. You’re not innocent, you’re just nice — something that Joel is not. You’re painfully nice. You’ve heard it makes people like you. You’re still waiting on the results, though.
But, if he’d ordered you to suck him off, you’d have kneed him in the balls, and he would’ve thought twice about calling you ‘sweetheart’. The thing is, he doesn’t. Instead, he backs away from the opportunity, tells you it was a joke.
But you see two things behind his eyes: one, he wants this. He might not want to want this, but he does. More importantly, you see his genuine concern for your well-being override this desire and you realize you feel safer around him than you do around most men. That’s one of the reasons that you do give him ‘a fuckin’ blowjob’. The other being that, sometimes, before you go to bed, you can’t sleep, and a certain man comes to mind as your fingers slip beneath the waistband of your panties.
When you reiterate that you offered, you exchange a long stare wherein you try to reach into each other’s souls and sort this shit out but when you both realize you can’t, Joel says, “Okay.”
And you say, “Okay.”
A new kind of tension bubbles to the surface as Joel sits down on the couch and you kneel before him.
You fiddle with his belt, eventually managing to get it undone, but Joel does the rest of the work it takes to get his pants down to his ankles, boxers too.
You’d imagined he’d be big, but that’s how fantasies work. Every man’s dick is big in your lewd daydreams, but it’s like you manifested it with Joel. You begin to feel like you’re in over your head, and though you aren’t innocent, you aren’t experienced enough to take him. But who are you to back down from a challenge?
Joel can see hesitation wash over your face for the first time. You pause, study the scene like you’re trying to decide your approach, and then you take his cock in your hand, looking up at him like you’re asking for the green light.
He gives you the go-ahead with the only piece of advice he thinks you’ll need. “Just don’t bite, and you’ll do fine.”
He probably should’ve mentioned another thing: don’t take too much at once or you’ll choke. His head lolls back and his eyes fall closed the moment your lips meet the tip of it. He doesn’t touch you, doesn’t want you to feel intimidated by his presence while you’re exploring, so to speak. He lets out a low groan of approval to let you know he’s still with you.
But he’s fading into a beautiful oblivion until he hears you gag, feels you sputter and it shocks him out of that blissful feeling. His eyes snap open and he cradles the back of your head.
“Easy, easy,” he says. “Don’t hurt yourself.”
You pull away briefly and catch your breath.
“That’s good,” he says. “Breathe, baby.”
He can see you looking for instructions, so he takes your hand and helps you get a firm grip on his cock, sliding your hand up and down, and finally letting you do it on your own.
“Doin’ good, baby,” he says. “You gotta give your mouth a break sometimes.”
You’ve never gotten anything close to praise from Joel before. It’d warm your heart like nothing else if it weren’t so goddamn sexy in this context.
You nod, wipe the spit from your chin, and give your mouth a brief break, but you can’t hold yourself back forever. Soon, your lips are back on his cock, kissing from the base to the tip, flicking your tongue over the head, seeing what reactions you can get from him.
When you get into the rhythm of hand and mouth in tandem, you barely register him telling you that he’s gonna come.
You imagine it’s an acquired taste but it’s not awful. You can swallow it. So, you do, and you look up at him with a smile.
He looks like he’s woken up from a dream and he’s still getting his bearings straight, but he’s quick to stand up and take your hand.
“Where are we going?”
“To my bed.”
You’d follow him anywhere but bed does sound good to you right now. It sounds like an adventure. You don’t go into his bedroom unless absolutely necessary. You’d think he was hiding something horrible in there if you didn’t have a mutual feeling regarding your own bedroom.
“Are we going to have sex?” you ask.
“No,” he says.
“Then, what are we going to do?”
“You,” he begins. “Are going to lie back and relax.”
He coaxes you to lie down, and he doesn’t have to try hard.
“I,” he continues. “Am going to make you feel good.”
You’re fairly certain about what he means, so there’s nothing left for you to do but let him do the work. It’s just another part of the job you’ll have to learn from experience.
“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he says.
You nod.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Let’s get you out of these clothes,” he says, playing with the hem of your t-shirt.
“Wait-” you say, sitting up, and he withdraws. “Can we kiss… first?”
He looks surprised for a moment, and you worry you’ve fucked up.
“I just feel like we should do that,” you say, much quieter.
“Yeah,” he says. “I guess that makes sense.”
His hand cups your cheek and he looks you in the eyes like he’s trying to find answers somewhere in there.
“Has anyone ever kissed you before?”
“Not really, not the way I want you to kiss me.”
“Feels a bit rude of me to have put my dick in your mouth before you’d even been kissed.”
Still, he leans in and kisses you, but it’s soft, gentle. It’s not a peck on the lips, though, it’s more. It gradually gains momentum and passion. Eventually, he slips his tongue in your mouth and you take it in stride.
“You’re very good at this,” he says. “If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t think this was your first time.”
“Is that a compliment?” you ask, doubting Joel is capable of such things.
He ignores your question, and sighs. You know it’s not directed at you because you’re fairly sure he’s not listening.
“I know I said I was gonna do some things with you, but I don’t wanna take things too fast, okay?”
“Are you saying you’re just going to kiss me?”
“I think that’d be the right thing to do.”
“That’s not fair,” you whine.
You wish you could sound sexy, or whatever, but you probably come off like a bratty child.
“Excuse me?”
“That’s not fair. You said you’d make me feel good. I thought you were gonna return the favor.”
“I was.”
“Then, why are you backing out?”
You’re shocked that he’s the pussy — pun-intended — in this scenario.
“I thought it might be too much for you.”
You grab his hand and slip it under the flimsy fabric of your shorts.
His eyes go wide.
Fucking hell, you’re wet, is the only thought on Joel’s mind. It makes sense. He’d be offended, maybe even worried if you were dry as a desert down there, but he’s barely touched you. Either you really enjoyed kissing him or you actually liked sucking him off too.
He gently presses the pads of his fingers against the wet spot on your panties.
“You’re right, baby. It’s only fair if I help you out.”
He’s able to get your shorts and your panties down in one swift pull. You look impressed by the action. Just you wait, he thinks. He’s not an expert by any means, but it’s not too hard to learn if you pay attention — and sex is one of the only times Joel does listen — it’s also not a skill you lose over time. It’s muscle memory, or maybe it’s innate.
His thumb rubs your clit lazily as he watches your face scrunch up in pleasure, your eyes fill with need. When the first finger slips inside you, he hears a breathy sigh come from above — it sounds like relief though he knows you haven’t come yet.
He’s never had a woman have such a strong reaction to his lips on her clit. It almost startles him at first. You’re frantic from the moment his lips meet your skin, crying out for him like you’re scared he’ll stop.
“Hey,” he says, “I’m right here. Don’t have to get so worked up. I’m gonna take care of you.”
He can’t say another word because his lips are occupied, so he relies on his hands, his soothing touch, to tell you that everything is alright. He gets the urge to tell you how good you are for him, how good you taste, how pretty you are like this, but he knows it’d be cruel to let up now. He’s callous often, sometimes harsh, but rarely cruel.
His instinct tells him to drag this out, to make your thighs shake, to have tears running down your cheeks, to tease you. To be the asshole that he tends to be when you’re around (and when you’re not). This is a version of Joel you might come to like.
He’s lived long enough to be well-practiced in this field of life. Doesn’t matter if he’s particularly romantic or even sociable, it’s just happened enough times over the course of fifty plus years for him to know the ins and outs. He can get you there quickly and lead you through it slowly.
He’s so used to you saying his name in a tone he considers pestering that he’s begun to hate the word itself. But when it’s drawn out and desperate like this, it sounds wonderful.
You’re at his mercy, he thinks. Which means he’s in control. And, as much as he’d hate to admit it, control does not mean he can kill you, control means he can care for you.
When you come down from your high, Joel is looking up at you from between your thighs with messy hair and kiss-dark lips. His smile looks like one of pride. Your cheeks heat up, only half-remembering what just happened. You could describe the event simply in a cause and effect relationship — he went down on you, so you came. You know what an orgasm feels like, but that was something beyond anything you’d ever experienced before. You fear an addiction may be coming on.
Your voice comes out shaky, which only makes your first words after a long silence sound stupider. “Thank you.”
He looks confused, and it takes him a moment to respond. “My pleasure,” he says, and you swear it might be when you see a semi through his sweatpants.
You’d offer more ‘help’ but you truly don’t think you can manage it. You can feel your body pulling you towards sleep. Your eyes have barely opened and they want to close again.
Joel notices because how could he not, you’re completely naked in every sense of the word.
“Get some rest,” he says before standing up.
He’s leaving.
“Where are you going?” you ask, instinctively.
“Downstairs.”
You do not want to say it. The fear of rejection is too strong, but so is the sudden urge to cry. Holding back tears is a strength of yours, though, so Joel never sees them. Somehow, after doing one of the most adult things, you feel like a baby in the wake of it. You are supposed to be taking care of him, and you are failing.
“What?” is his response to your refusal to meet his eyes.
“I just assumed you were going to stay. That’s all.”
“I can. If that’s what you need me to do.”
You don’t say anything. He climbs into bed anyway after picking up your underwear and handing it to you.
He doesn’t hold you but he doesn’t leave either. What he does do is kiss you on the forehead when he thinks you’re already asleep. It’s a compromise between your fear and your desire.
It isn’t as weird as one might think it would be — acting as if you’ve never done anything remotely sexual with one another. It’s easier because you don’t have to go back to being friends. You never really were. It was always awkward. What’s new? Only your knowledge that at least some of your feelings are mutual. Only the fact that you think about having sex with him every time he’s in front of you. It’s really just out of curiosity sometimes. What would he be like in bed? Does he want it too? How would you even broach the subject?
Sometimes, it’s not just curiosity. Those days are harder to navigate. You have to pretend like every little touch — most of them accidental — fuels the fire. It’s not the sensation itself. It’s just the acute awareness of his body, how close it is to yours, how easily you could reach out and touch him, that enters your mind.
“You’re staring.” Joel says from the other side of the couch.
“Sorry. I zoned out.”
“Got something’ on your mind?”
“Not really.”
“C’mon, what is it?”
“Why do you suddenly care about my thoughts?” About me.
“You think I didn’t care about you before? You’ve been in my house everyday for months now.”
“So?”
“And, I haven’t tried to kick you out yet.”
“You’re not allowed to kick me out. That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Okay. How ‘bout this: I’m down here sitting with you because I know you don’t like to be alone.”
“So you pity me?”
“No, if I pitied you, I’d have told Tommy to give you a new job.”
“Okay, so, you expect me to believe you care but you refuse to talk to me half the time.”
“I’m not much of a talker. But, now that I’m trying to talk to you, you’re shutting me out.”
“I’m not— It’s just not a big deal. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about anyway.”
“Bullshit.”
“What?”
“I said, that’s bullshit.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll talk.”
You take a deep breath before speaking, one long enough that he gestures for you to go on.
“I was just thinking about what it would be like if we had sex.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, since we, you know, we did that stuff… it’s not like it’s a totally crazy thought.”
“‘That stuff’? Be more specific, honey.”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“I do, but you can’t be thinking about having sex with me when you can’t even use big girl words when you’re talking about it.”
“It doesn’t even matter.” Your face is burning. It so, totally, does matter. “I was just curious.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Mm-hmm. Go on thinking, I’ll get back to reading.”
“Wait, what? You just made me tell you that to make me embarrassed? You’re not even gonna—”
“What? Gonna fuck you?”
The word slips out of his mouth so easily.
“I don’t know, maybe.”
“Well, I’m not.”
Truth is: he’s been thinking about you every day since. He only caught you staring because he was doing the same. He tries to restrain himself because it feels like the right thing to do.
But he still, he acquiesces and takes you upstairs to his bedroom.
He lays you down on the bed and undresses you slowly like you’re a gift and he doesn’t want to tear the paper. He places your clothes atop the dresser, but leaves his strewn across the floor.
Wonder fills your eyes as he reveals his naked body. Hesitation and awe wrapped up in one.
“Wow,” you say, breaking the silence, “it’s, um, you know— do you think it’ll fit?”
It’s not the first time he’s heard that. It no longer brings him that bashful pride that it did when he was younger. It’s just a fact. A nuisance sometimes.
“Not if we don’t get you ready first.”
“Do you need to get ready first too?”
He looks down at his cock, rock-hard and eager.
“No, baby, just looking at you is enough to get me ready.”
A thought crosses his mind — one he thought he’d left in his teenage years — what if he comes too quickly?
He lies back on the bed next to you and reaches for you, waits for you to let him maneuver you.
“Come here,” he says.
You sit up and face him, slowly inch towards his arms that beckon you.
You’re fairly sure you know what he wants you to do. Sit on his face. But god, something about it seems awkward in the amount of control you simultaneously give up and are given in turn.
“You trust me, right?” he asks.
“Of course.”
An answer you wouldn’t have ever thought you’d give back when you first met.
“Then, come sit on my face.”
You swing your leg over him and steady yourself above his face.
He grips your thighs to guide you. You grip the headboard to save yourself from passing out the moment Joel’s mouth meets your skin.
Joel wouldn’t be the man you’d have thought would have such a talented tongue based on how little he uses it. You can’t blame him for not talking right now. Your moans echo off his bedroom walls and permeate the balmy summer air. The windows are closed and the curtains shield your naked bodies from the neighbors but even if you’d left them open, you wouldn’t have the sense to care.
You’re an incoherent mess of moans and half-words, trembling thighs and sweat. Your orgasm comes on strong, and if your eyes weren’t screwed shut, maybe you’d see the gates of heaven.
It’s been a while since he’s done this. Tess never liked it like this and the last woman before her was one from another lifetime, pre-outbreak, an inconceivable world despite having once called it home.
He’s not really thinking about that, though, in this moment, all Joel can think of is you. Your skin, your sweat, your heat, and the pretty noises you make. At one point, he swears he hears his name though your thighs are covering his ears. And he doesn’t mind it one bit.
“I’m gonna pass out,” he hears from above him.
“No, you’re not. I’ve got you,” he tries to say, though surely his words are muffled.
“Don’t let me go.”
He doesn’t. He carefully helps you lie back on the bed. When he meets your gaze, he swears he’s never seen adoration like that in anyone’s eyes before. At least, not in a long time.
It terrifies him, but in spite of his hesitation, he holds you close.
A blanket of peaceful silence settles over your bare bodies.
You speak quietly, trying not to awaken Joel’s senses. The ones that pull him away from you. The moment feels like glass in your hands.
“Are we going to have sex?”
“Hm?”
“We were going to, right? You were getting me ready for it.”
“I thought I wore you out.”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I want to stop.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’d tell you if you were.”
He hesitates.
“I’ll be good. I promise.”
Those are the words that awaken his arousal. In an instant, you find his body looming above yours. He kisses you until your lips are red and puffy. He doesn’t break your gaze as he positions his cock at your entrance. Your green light is your needy hips begging him to fuck you.
He starts slow, even the head is a stretch. You scrunch up your face and hold back the urge to squirm.
“It’s gonna be a little uncomfortable at first, baby, and that’s why we’re gonna take it slow.”
Slow is an understatement. It takes ages for him to give you another inch — or maybe you’re just antsy. This one makes you whimper, makes you clamp down around him.
“It’s okay, baby. You’re gonna be fine.”
Joel’s voice is tender and sweet, and it gives you enough hope to ask for something you think he’d usually deny you.
“Can you hold my hand?”
He interlocks his fingers with yours. It feels oddly natural. He doubts he’s heard someone ask to hold his hand since— not now, he’ll go soft if he thinks about her. He’ll close in on himself and you need him — in more ways than one.
He continues slowly as he promised he would until he hears your moans of pleasure and your pleas for more, more, more. More is a little bit faster, a little bit harder, as deep as you can take it, and most importantly, his thumb tracing circles on your clit.
You squeeze his hand with yours as your inner walls clamp down around him.
“Just let it happen. It’s okay. I’m right here.”
When you come, he does too — the most blissful mistake he’s ever made.
Curses fly out of his mouth through his orgasm, stopping briefly as he catches his breath, and resuming when he pulls out and watches as his come drips out of you.
“Fuck. Shit. Fuck, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” you insist. “I liked it.”
“I’m glad you liked it.” Because I fucking loved it. “But, it’s dangerous. We’ve gotta be more careful.”
In the future — it’s implied. Another time is nothing when the lines have all been crossed and when the other side brings him a warmth the hot summer never could.
You have more power over him than the sun.
It becomes a routine — briefly — and you are more careful. You discreetly buy condoms, but when your next period doesn’t come, you fear it might be too late.
You don’t tell Joel, not at first. Sometimes, they’re irregular, and you don’t want to give the man a heart attack. But then a week passes, another week passes, and eventually you have to — especially when you’re beginning to feel a bit nauseous and have no other explanation for it. It’s better to say something before he asks.
“Joel,” you say, “I haven’t gotten my period yet.”
A look of horror crosses his face before he asks, “How late is it?”
You take a breath before admitting, “A few weeks.”
“How many?”
“Almost three.”
“Fuck.” He sighs in preemptive defeat. “Have you taken a test?”
“No, I thought it would come so I didn’t want to overreact.”
“We’re going to go get one.”
He stands up immediately and turns towards the door.
“Wait,” you say, stopping him in his tracks.
“I should probably get it. It’ll look less suspicious.”
No, it won’t. Those who suspect something is up with you, will have their suspicions, and those who don’t, won’t think to pay attention.
They recommend taking multiple because false negatives are common.
The first one is a clear positive, so clear you think it might be a false positive, so you wait to freak out until you see two lines come up on the second test.
Joel is silent, even when you hand him the test.
But, so are you, because what more is there to say? The tests say it all.
“I’ll do whatever you need me to,” he says, and you’re surprised until he clarifies.
“I doubt they’ll make you pay for the pill or the procedure — however they do it, but I’ll take care of you while you’re recovering. I’ll be there through it all. Promise.”
The pill or the procedure. The abortion that he expects you to have. Truth be told, you hadn’t really thought about what you’d do until now. It’s probably the right decision. Do you really want to bring a baby into this world? Can you even take care of one?
“Okay,” you say. “I’ll make an appointment.”
You save your tears for Maria. She approaches you in the clinic. You’d be delighted to see her at any other moment.
“Making an appointment?” she asks.
“Yeah, just a checkup,” you lie.
The woman at the counter clarifies with you. “Just a checkup? Is that what you’d prefer?”
You turn back and forth between her and Maria.
“Um, no,” you say, “keep it as is.”
Maria raises an eyebrow and there is nowhere left to hide. You might be able to outrun her, but she knows where you live and isn’t afraid to confront you at your doorstep.
She saves you some of your dignity when she whispers, “How about a chat at my place? I have some tea that helps with nausea.”
The tea is persuasive but you’d have to go anyway. You don’t speak on the walk to Maria’s. She brews the tea and you sit across from each other in the kitchen before she finally speaks.
“What’s the appointment for?” she asks. “And I’m not here to judge you, I just want the truth.”
You’re not my mom, you could say, but she’s the closest thing you’ve had to one since your own passed.
“An abortion,” you say quietly, looking down at the table, at your hands around the mug.
“Okay,” she says, gently. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
You try to reply but all the comes out is a sob.
Eventually, she pries the truth out of you. You explain what happened when you told Joel the news.
“So, he made the decision, and then told you he’d be there for you if he did what you wanted?”
“I guess. But, I think it might be the right choice. I mean, it'd be hard to raise a child in this world…” You cut yourself off when you look at her bump. She’s gonna be a mom, a good mom. And, stupidly, you’re jealous.
Even though it’s not there yet, you swear you can see a high chair in your periphery. You could be holding a warm bottle instead of a hot mug of tea. Maria could be feeding her child his first bite of baby food next to you.
“Let me ask you something, and I want you to really think about it, and be honest with me.”
You nod and wait for her question.
“If Joel had said he’d support you no matter what, even if you wanted to keep the child, if he said he’d step up as a father, would you have made the appointment?”
“I don’t know.” Oh, but you do. Maria waits for you to come to a conclusion, for you to spit it out.
“I like the idea of having a kid. I love kids, and I sometimes think about what it would be like being a mom, but I know that I can’t be one. Not right now.”
If there is one thing Joel can’t be, it’s a father. Not again. He’s too old, too grouchy, too cynical. He’s not the man he used to be. He was never good at it anyway. He couldn’t save his own kid. He’s already a failed father — once, if not, twice.
You’d be a great mother, and that’s the greatest tragedy. He’s failed you already. He’s not good at the kinder things of life. He shouldn’t have indulged in you, in the love you gave him when he cannot give it back. There are a lot of things Joel can’t quite get right — being a lover, a father, a good man.
Every night since the outbreak began, he’s watched Sarah bleed out in his arms. Sometimes he sees Tess, Sam and Henry, Bill, even Tommy which feels like an augury. Ellie is there almost every night, losing consciousness. Only sometimes is she in that hospital bed, often, she’s lying in the show, with blue lips and almost no pulse. Now, you’ve begun to enter his subconscious. You’re always too far out of reach, screaming his name until he’s shot dead, and the last thing he hears is you shriek as you watch him die in front of you.
Another person is another tragedy once they have the misfortune of coming into his life. There cannot be another person, especially not a child.
You should be back by now, he thinks as he splashes water on his face for the umpteenth time, hoping it’ll wash away all the mistakes he’s made.
He can tell it’s Maria by the way her knuckles rap on his front door. He can tell she’s pissed too.
When he opens the door, he sees you in standing behind her, like you’re afraid of him.
“Unless you want to have this discussion on your doorstep, I suggest you let me — us — inside.”
He does, reluctantly.
“Joel Miller, when do you plan on becoming a man?”
“What?”
“You just told her to make an appointment, didn’t even give her a chance to think about it? You managed to run away from your problems while you’re on house arrest. Impressive.”
“I thought that was what we both wanted,” he says, looking past her, to you.
“I guess, maybe,” you shrug.
The one thing he’s grateful for is Maria’s suggestion that you talk privately.
You sit further from him than usual, you refuse to meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask what you wanted. I thought I was making the right choice.”
“It’s okay. I don’t even know what I want.”
But the tears suggest otherwise.
“Do you want to keep the baby?”
“Maybe, but I can’t. It’s not a good idea.”
“That’s what I think, but Maria’s right, it’s your choice.”
“But I don’t know how to make that choice.”
“You’ve got a good heart. Follow it.”
You spend a lot of time thinking, remembering, and trying to convince yourself that there is no part of you that wants to be a mother. But, in your bedside drawer, there is a handful of photos — all from before the outbreak. You see your mom as a child on a swing set, and as a teen blowing out candles on her birthday. Her mom is in that one too, sitting next to her, smiling. You wish more than anything to have pictures of you and your mom.
You think about the little girl who pretended a ratty old stuffed bear was her baby. You can hear your mom telling you that you’re doing a good job, how you’ll be good at this one day. Your bedtime stories were never about fairy princesses, but about your family, the ones you didn’t get to meet.
“I wish I could have that,” you’d say.
“One day, you might be able to — the world is scary right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be like this forever,” she’d insist.
In retrospect, you wonder if she really believed that, if she really believed that teddy bear would one day be a baby that you’d be the one carrying, and she’d be the proud grandmother.
“I told her I wanted to be a mom like her,” you explain to Joel, and he understands.
You know about Ellie, but not about Sarah. Joel never brings either of them up to you. Until now. It’s a fair trade, he tells himself. Photos for photos, info for info. But it’s more than that.
“Hold on for one minute, I’m gonna go get something, and I’ll be right back.”
It’ll only take him a second to grab the pictures, but he’ll need a moment to compose himself.
“This is Sarah,” he says, pointing to the little girl in the photo. “My daughter.”
You’re silent for a moment, gazing at the photo, at a younger Joel you’ve never met.
You’re the first person not to tell him that you’re sorry for his loss, and he is relieved not to hear the empty sympathies once more.
“What was she like?” you ask.
It’s hard to explain, and for that reason, he talks for at least a half hour about Sarah. All her likes and dislikes, all his favorite moments from the day she was born until the day she died. He tells the story of that too.
When you try to tell him that he sounds like he was a good dad, he has to explain why he wasn’t.
“I couldn’t save her,” he says.
“I couldn’t save her either,” you say, pointing to your mother in one of the photos.
“You were just a child,” he says. “It’s not your fault.”
“And, you were just a man,” you say. “It’s not your fault.”
“A grown man.”
“Doing the best that you could.”
And you’re right. He did try his best. He stops arguing not because he’ll ever concede but because the weight of the present falls upon him all at once as he meets your eyes and remembers why you’re here.
He can’t have Sarah back, he can’t have Ellie back, but you’re right in front of him — and he loves you. It’s too late to turn back and kick you out on your first day, it’s too late to never speak to you, it’s too late to not love you.
It’s not too late to fail you like he’s failed everyone else. It’s not too late to do the opposite either.
You tell him your decision, and wait for his disagreement, for him to dissuade you. But, he doesn’t.
“Okay,” he says.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to try my best.”
You cancel the appointment and make the final decision, but it doesn’t feel real until Joel finishes building the crib in the spare bedroom. The most unexpected part is how excited you feel even when you’re nauseous, even when your feet are bloated, even when your back is killing you.
You’re also terrified, particularly when you hear Maria’s account of her labor and delivery. For someone describing how painful it was, she seems oddly unfazed, happy even. She’s too focused on her baby boy, and you get it — he is pretty cute.
When the day comes, you find that you’ve underestimated the pain entirely. The wounds you’ve gotten in combat are nothing compared to this. Every hour that goes by feels like a full day for you. Every time the doctor checks your dilation it’s still not yet time.
Until it is. And everything becomes a million times more chaotic. You swear the only thing keeping you sane is Joel’s hand in yours. (You have to apologize later for squeezing it so tightly.)
Finally, the telltale cry comes, and it feels like you’ve run a marathon by how exhausted you are and by how proud you are of yourself for doing it. This will go down as the greatest feat of your life and you are more than satisfied with that fact.
The doctor announces that it’s a boy and though he said he’d be fine with either gender, Joel’s smile is wider than you’ve ever seen it. You’re smiling almost as big. It hurts your cheek muscles but you can’t stop, especially when they hand you your baby boy. Though he doesn’t know how to speak, his hand wrapped around your finger tells you that it’s going to be okay.
There is so much pain in this world, but not in this room.
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller smut#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller fic#joel x reader#tlou fanfiction
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I'm just gonna list songs that fit some of the main descon guys+ Some Lyrics that make me think about them.
Faith: John Wayne Gacy Jr. - Sufjan Stevens
And in my best behavior I am really just like him Look beneath the floorboards For the secrets I have hid
Fate: Bodysnatchers - Radiohead
You killed the sound Removed backbone A pale imitation With the edges sawn off
Dry: Pedestrian at Best - Courtney Barnett
I must confess, I've made a mess of what should be a small success But I digress, at least I've tried my very best, I guess This, that, the other, why even bother? It won't be with me on my deathbed, but I'll still be in your head
Leander: Judas - Depeche Mode
You can fulfill Your wildest ambitions And I'm sure you will Lose your inhibitions So open yourself for me Risk your health for me If you want my love
Albrecht: The Suburbs - Arcade Fire
The kids wanna be so hard But in my dreams, we're still screaming and running through the yard And all of the walls that they built in the seventies finally fall And all of the houses they built in the seventies finally fall Meant nothing at all Meant nothing at all It meant nothing
Cora: Die Your Daughter - Susannah Joffe
Getting older looks good on you, but god Someone make it stop Nature will run its course I'm left to pawn you off
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Music recs list for my fellow Vide Noir-heads
(And everyone else too)
I've often seen, and even echoed the sentiment, that Lord Huron's album Vide Noir is completely unique. Nobody else is putting out big concept indie rock albums about existential dread in an uncaring and horrifying cosmos when you're just trying to look for the girlfriend who ghosted you and you wind up deep in a Los Angeles neo-noir involving eldritch space drugs and hallucinations from across time and space, okay? That's fair.
BUT.
While none of the below are the same, I do think they're likely to scratch some of that itch while you wait for more. Please check them out! You might find something you like. All of the below are bands that release concept albums meant to be listened to from start to finish, so I'll be recommending whole albums, not singles. Also these are youtube links because that's what I use but you can for sure find all of these everywhere you get music.
Typhoon
Criminally underrated for way too long. Huge sweeping orchestral indie rock sounds that would be right at home if a movie was made of one of their albums (what a dream that would be). Most of their music is inspired by a combination of the works of David Lynch and the frontman/writer's personal battles with Lyme disease and his subsequent near death. Listen to EVERYTHING they have put out ever, but especially:
Offerings (2018): According to the band, "It's a record from the perspective of a mind losing its memory at precisely the same time the world is willfully forgetting its history. The urgent question becomes: without causality, without structures of meaning, without essential features of rational thought, is there anything that can save us from violence/oblivion?
With no past and no future, there is only suffocating, annihilating, present, looping on and on ad infinitum (to me, one plausible definition of hell) and the best you can hope for is that somewhere in the void there exists some small, irreducible certainty—a fragment, a kernel, something—that you may have the good fortune to stumble upon before it's all over.
You know, a boy/girl-meets-girl/boy-everyone-dies-in-botched-attempt-at-neo-pagan-sacrificial-ritual-on-global-scale kind of thing."
White Lighter (2013): More directly inspired by Morton's survival of Lyme disease and organ failure, about finding hope when things feel utterly hopeless, and his gratitude toward his father for saving his life via kidney donation. (There is a 10th anniversary version of this album that includes some unrelated singles that were never released on albums, fyi - I find they interrupt the flow of the original intended release).
Arcade Fire
Oscillating between dance pop and indie orchestral folk-rock-baroque pop, these guys are pretty well known (The Suburbs won the Grammy for best album of 2010, after all). But! If you haven't heard them, or if you forgot they existed, this is a really really excellent time to listen to their work.
The Suburbs (2010): If you're going to start anywhere with this band, start here. Stay here a while. Inspired by some of the band members' upbringings in suburbian Texas, the album is an apocalyptic journey through end-stage capitalism and it's fucking jawdropping.
mewithoutYou
Post-hardcore/art rock band that incorporates spirituality and religion-as-myth and history from viewpoints around the world in order to write incredibly moving music about the human condition.
Ten Stories (2012): Inspired by multiple similar real world events from the 19th and early 20th centuries, this album is about a traveling circus on a train that crashes in 19th-century Montana, and the journeys of the circus animals as they flee the wreckage, or try to rebuid their own societies. Gorgeous, desolate, heartbreaking.
Pale Horses (2015): Visions of the apocalypse from the perspectives of multiple world mythologies as well as from the personal perspective of the narrator observing the ruin in his own life and the city around him.
Freelance Whales
The greatest tragedy here is these folks no longer make music - one member left the band, another has passed away. Thankfully, they put out two gorgeous indie folk-pop concept albums first that I think any Lord Huron fan should listen to. Read the descriptions, you'll see why.
Weathervanes (2010): While not all songs on this album are directly linked, many of them are, and those songs follow the narrative of a boy whose family moves into an old house that turns out to be haunted. He falls in love with the ghost who lives there, and winds up killing himself to be with her - and finds he has no regrets, for life is short anyway.
Diluvia (2012): Heavily inspired by Battlestar Galactica and stories of ancient aliens, this is the tale of a distant civilization which collapses from a combination of natural disasters and perhaps their own hubris. A few of them manage to escape on a starship, and eventually discover Earth and its ancient pre-humans. The dying aliens seed the Earth with their own DNA in order to preserve the genetic traces of their once-existence.
#music recs#lord huron#I rarely if ever see any of these recommended when people are looking for music similar to LH#and I think it's because most people are looking for more like MMITW#which is fine but there's a ton of naturey folk pop out there#if you're like me then this is the shit you're really after
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People I'd like to know better meme
thank you @cocoetoile for the tag! i loooove your art
Last Song: The Suburbs (continued) - Arcade Fire
Last Book: Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik I think? oh my god this just reminded me how long it's been since i finished a book
Last Movie: Flow (2024)
Last Show: Twin Peaks
Last thing I searched: stages of human decomposition
Favorite Color: Cornflower blue
Sweet/Savory/Spicy: Sweet
Relationship status: Married
Looking forward to: Diving headfirst into my original work, literally just finished the planning/worldbuilding phase, finallyyyy
Current Obsession: Rogue Trader. okok specifically Heinrix van Calox from Rogue Trader :') tagging @vspin @plethomacademia @valiantcat @catacryptic @lordcaptains !!!
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current 5 fave songs
@angelfruittree ty 4 the tag 💕 think these r the top 5 songs i’ve had on repeat for like the past 2 weeks…
1. the suburbs - arcade fire
2. cherry tree - the national
3. aw, shoot! - cmat
4. wet blanket - metric
5. family tree - ethel cain
no-pressure tags: @twisted-tales-told @serethereal @dykefever @steelycunt @pretentiouswreckingball @belleandsaintsebastian
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8 47 99 !
8 - i think i need a new heart by the magnetic fields
47 - heaven or las vegas by cocteau twins
99 - the suburbs by arcade fire
#i basically just listened to the same playlists the entire year#ty <3#asks#surprised that i think i need a new heart didn't make it to the top 5 though
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hello! 12 & 38 for the ask game? :)
hi anouri!!
12. what’s some good advice you want to share?
hmm ok rapid-fire advice i’d give my younger self which i think is generally good advice: never diet EVER, don’t stress about discovering ur “true” identity just call urself whatever fits & accept that might change, stop shaving, read more queer & critical theory, go to your professors’ office hours!!
38. fave song at the moment?
probably ‘the suburbs’ by arcade fire…feel like that’s what i’ve been listening to most this month!! but also ‘apple’ by charli xcx <3
ask game
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Hi em, i think i just discovered the most steve harrington song of all time (the suburbs by arcade fire) Also happy early birthday!! I hope its a good one :)
holy fuck. anon holy Fuck. i can't even say anything else it's so steve harrington holy fuck. you're rewiring my brain. oh my god also thank you
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yeah i think this is meant to be a thematic statement about team fortress 2 and like. yeah. i keep quoting arcade fire's The Suburbs Continued (the album of which i was listening to a lot during my 2015 tf2 phase coincidentally) but like:
and like yes, The Administrator means it in a spiteful vengeful way and i mean it in a wistful, nostalgic way, but for both of us, it's time that we recognize as not being well-spent in any conventional sense, but the desire to relive those times is equally maddening nonetheless
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The Acoustic "We Used to Wait" Performance I Think About Daily
I believe that Arcade Fire's 2010 album The Suburbs is by far the best indie-pop album of the century. I will not be challenged on this.
As The Suburbs approaches it's 15th anniversary, I want to write about it and everything it means to me, everything I know about it, everything I've taken from it after hundreds of listens.
I will begin with my thoughts on "We Used to Wait" but more specifically, the 2011 acoustic performance on Sound Opinions. While there are many Arcade Fire performances that stand out to me, this one feels special in a way that no other performances do: it feels medieval. Something about the gentle use of such unconventional guitars accompanied by deep, humming strings feels nostalgic, but for a time that has long since passed.
The track is of course about nostalgia; yearning for a youth that was absent of technology and endless "flashing lights." The repetition of "now our lives are changing fast," feels even more significant when reflecting on the advancement of technology between 2010 and now. Will Butler refers to writing letters throughout the song, and how the writing physical letters is replaced by digital emails or texts. It's implied that these formats don't hold the value that "something so small," like a letter does. I think the imagery of letters, particularly this romanticized image of a letter written by candlelight adds to the medieval atmosphere of this rendition of the song.
The performance also reminds me of the musical storytelling tradition. The narrative of the song reads as a tale of the past: "we used to waste hours just walking around," but "by the time we met, the times had already changed." Butler tells the listener what the world used to be like, as if the current world is centuries away from the world he grew up in.
I believe that "We Used to Wait" works especially well in an acoustic performance because the song itself becomes stripped of the technology that Butler criticizes. This version of the song doesn't depend on technical production. Instead, the band use their hands and their voices to play the instruments and that then makes the music. The song therefore feels more real.
youtube
Medieval or not, it's a beautiful performance of a beautiful song.
#indie#arcade fire#2010's#the suburbs#favorite albums#indie pop#music#indie music#music review#acoustic#Youtube
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Your AU makes me think of 'The Suburbs' (And 'The Suburbs (continued)') by Arcade Fire. Sorry for anon post ha ha
ooh interesting, i’ll have to give that a listen
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when i saw your art of kiryu and nishiki set to neighborhood #2 laika i literally gasped aloud... have you heard the suburbs (also by arcade fire?) it makes me ill thinking about them + also everything with the empty lot in 0
OH MY GODDDD. YOU GET IT. POINTS AT YOU. YOU GET IT...... so glad somebody else gets it im so speechless right now
#asks#a few people recognized the song and a big stupid idiot grin went on my face#like yessss..... i am so right
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recently i keep getting caught up in 2009-2011 nostalgia and inadvertently makibg it worse for myself by doing a bunch of ket so it feels like im actually time travelling. ended up listening to the suburbs by arcade fire n then got reminded of a certain skins advert that had an arcade fire song in it n was watching that while thinking abt seeing that advert for the first time n got tht ketty confusion where i couldnt distinguish between what i was watching n my memories n my current reality. also sounds silly but i started watching the connor omalley thing set in 2009 n it was rlly adding to the feeling lol
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Okay I know I said a month ago that I was going to consistently post about my game and then I proceeded to note make a single fucking post again. I had to con crunch my sweetheart cosplay which I didn't even finish in time. I'm still working on the cosplay and that's taking up most of my free time in the evenings, so I still can't really take the time to post about the game at this time. BUT I am still working on it and I've officially named it!
The game is called Godlike Reflections. It's a story in three acts (there'll also be a prologue that's unlocked after beating the game). So far there are 8 endings. The game is heavily based on Greek mythology. There's also inspiration from Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint (lots of inspo here), AtLA, certain songs (playlist below), art from multiple periods between the 1400s-1900s (mostly renaissance, baroque, and neoclassical), black/white doomed yaoi🙏 (esp stsg), Omori, Baroque Decay games, Faith: The Unholy Trinity, manhwa tropes, and more that I can't think of rn. I want to make a game that has the features that I look for as a player: story rich, replayability, good music, and engaging gameplay. I want it to be rewarding for completionists and achievement hunters, like myself, while not being a slog for speedrunners.
Here's the barest of bones rundown of act one and two (I haven't decided what details I want to consider as spoilers yet, so I'm gonna hold off on giving act three info for now): There are twins (brother and sister) who are fighting their way towards the villain - the leader of the organization that destroyed their home and is trying to rule over everything. However, when they finally confront him, a pit opens up and the brother falls in. As he's falling, the villain dives in after him. The twins are separated and must find a way to reunite, but our hero and villain will have to learn to work together to escape the underground. During this time, the characters learn some hard truths, work on growing stronger, and find out who they are and what they want. Unfortunately, what one character wants isn't always in line with the desires of another.
I'll give some detailed info on the layout, characters, plot points, etc. in follow up posts. Just wanted to give these little pieces for now. I'm slowly learning how to draw, so don't expect any actual pics of characters for a while. I still know how they'll look though, so I'll post pics that show what I'm thinking of.
Here's a playlist I made of songs that either inspired aspects of the game (i.e., Murders by Miracle Musical [the ending is what made me come up with the game in the first place]), fit the vibe of the game (e.g., The Suburbs by Arcade Fire; Goth by Sidewalks and Skeletons), or might as well be character POVs during certain parts of the game (e.g., Goodnight, Travel Well by the Killers; Alien Blues by Vundabar; 505 by Arctic Monkeys; Nowhere to Run by Stegosaurus Rex).
#Godlike Reflections#game development#indie game dev#game design#oc#im excited to share the characters with yall soon#obvi its still just in the conception phase but once i figure out what mechanics i really want#then ill figure out what tools to use - i originally thought RPGMaker but idk if it can handle the features i want#weve got a long road ahead of us#i realize the description i gave is very generic and boring#but this post was long enough and i cant really delve into the exciting bits without going off#Spotify
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Music tag
Shuffle your 'on repeat' playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people!
Tagged by: @thequeerestdad
Tagging: @woodsborokiller @carlhappy7 @sunny-adorkable and anyone else, I'm sorry... I can't think of ten people whom I know use Spotify.
First Date by Shayfer James
Phony in the World of Holden Caulfields by Crywank
Eat Me, I'm Sad by POM
It's Okay I Wouldn't Remember Me Either by Crywank
The Suburbs (Continued) by Arcade Fire
A Deer Mistaking Candles for Headlights by Crywank
Inside World by WhoMadeWho
Mr. Grieves by TV on the Radio
The Passion of Lovers by Bauhaus
Softcore by The Neighbourhood
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