#thinking about the number of fics i read in 2020 that were just from long lists of recommendations people posted

[erstwhilesparrow]

sorry i know i was just saying i'm really excited to do this paper but no i'm not actually it's too much work and i would like for things to stop from keep happening constantly and also did you guys know there's so much good fic in the world and that ao3's filtering functionality is a fucking gift and also why did we stop doing fic rec lists we should do more of those those were great

[f-t-e]

I started watching SUPERNATURAL in November 2020. I know, I know. My partner and I had been isolating alone since March. The timing felt right. I went though a wild amount of upheaval and trauma over the next year and SPN was there for me through it all. It was THE show at THE time and it kept me afloat when I needed it the most. Since November 2021 I've written just about 110,000 words of SPN fanfic, a number that seems unbelievable to me, and that too has been a real blessing to my creative life, no matter what haters say. (why didn't I write my own novels in that time? Because I have a hobby, Karen, and I love it.) And I've read about 500000x that much fanfic, which has been the biggest blessing of all. (ETA: oh right, if you want to read my fic, you can find my stuff here, I wrote a fic where Dean reads books. Lots of books.)

I know I'm a nobody in this fandom but I thought on this, our #DestielDay, I would submit my own humble rec list. I've curated this very deliberately: every fic here has just about 4000 hits or less (most under 3000) and all were published in 2020 or after. So, sort of a rec list for some lesser known and newer fics, something you maybe haven't stumbled on yet. Especially thank you to @jewishcharliebradbury, her rec lists gave me a place to start back in the day and I have tried to model the depth and quality they brought to their lists. I tried to link to everyone's tumblr, but if I missed one, let me know.

Most of all, thank you to everyone who has EVER created something for this fandom, from 2005 to 2023. I am so thankful and, honestly, honored to be among your number. You're not supposed to be cringe and say a show saved your life...but SUPERNATURAL saved me, it really did. See y'all when the movie/reboot drops, to quote Ryan Gosling in The Notebook: IT WASN'T OVER, IT STILL ISN'T OVER. And I'm glad.

-----

Finale Fix-It & S15 and Beyond

What The Moon Was Saying by Amiril (@runawaymarbles)

This is hands-down one of the coolest “Dean Rescues Cas from the Empty” fics I have ever read and the concept is brilliantly structured to mirror the literal and metaphorical things Dean needs to give up and let go to get free. Every scenario is very satisfying and they make sense, is there any better feeling? Dean is very open in this, but in a believable way that still has edges. And, oh, the reunion is so good. Plus all the family stuff. Just excellent, exactly what you want in a fic like this: lovely, well-written, smart, fulfilling, all the pieces clicking, the show but better.

Awake and Annoying by skycruise

I love the use and passage of time in this one, it has some real impact, and I love the way Dean gets into the Empty (so smart, fits just right) and what I REALLY love in this one is the way it lets Dean be really clear-eyed and honest about his relationship with Sam, both the strengths and the weaknesses. And the last line, very clever and moving inverse of one of fandom’s favorite things. 

Living the life you chose by allthismusic

THEEEEE post finale Sam Winchester-Outsider-POV this fandom needs. Sam is absolutely awesome in this, the most believable, loving, realistic mix of “I knew all along” and “I had no idea” versions of Sam, landing somewhere I think that’s really true and in character. It fills in and develops so many gaps and silences in what the show let Sam know in the absolute best way. Best Brother Sam is a weakness of mine and he really shines here, there for Dean in the best ways but also coming into his own, I love it so very much. (this author also has a very great 2022 Big Bang fic, hugely recommend that one too.)

your ear to the wound that whispers by EmandFandems (@lazarusemma)

Who doesn’t love a HANDPRINT FIC?!? And boy this is such a good one. It follows Dean and his thoughts on the handprint from the first touch all the way to fixing the finale and it simply buzzes with longing and desire, tenderness and rawness. It’s great insight in lot of ways into Dean’s journey. It’s short but fulfilling and oh that very perfect last line. (this author also has a lot of great Jupernatural content.)  

Somewhere Off in the Dark by magickastiel 

Another awesome fic that traces Dean’s shifting/growing feelings for Cas from when he shows up in his hotel rooms to a HEA fix it after canon. Dean, again, is handled so deftly in this one, his confusion and sorrow at all the times Cas is slipping away from him all the way through the things he won’t let himself know. He feels really true in this one, sharp and tender in the best Dean ways. Also it has an agonizingly romantic end, you love to end up there.

Pins and Feathers by theskywasblue (@buttherewasnogod)

This author has so many freaking good SPN fics, omg it was almost impossible to pick just one to include on this list. Go treat yourself with their entire list because there’s so much good stuff there! But this one, oh I am a sucker for a finale fix-it that lets Dean be this tender. While I LOVE fics where he just jumps right into Cas’s arms (and write them lol) I also feel like this is so true to Dean too: that “maybe I misunderstood, maybe I shouldn’t say anything, maybe he doesn’t still –” And on top of all that, it’s a “they go the beach” fic and it gets the details of it so right, sand in your toes and all. Tender, amazing slow-burn, real, hot, full of heart and longing and everything unspoken and just waiting. Very satisfying!

i loved you first by kalmialatifolia

A set of four short fics that create an entire world of feeling and emotion. These feel like little whispered stories told under the covers, very atmospheric. There’s one very sexy one, a haircutting one (so good) and they’re just intimate. All together a great set and did I mention they’re in the “Cas saves himself” genre which is mmmm an underrated treasure.

no other faith is light enough for this place by anonymous 

A fix-it fic that has a particularly unique and beautiful visual of both how and why Cas comes back. The mechanics behind it are fairly standard but the way this author creates the visual of it, the sheer emotion and force behind it and how it happens, it really stood out to me and stuck with me. It’s Dean being brave enough to really feel and the way that just blossoms – lovely, aching, full-tilt wonderful.

 no proof, one touch by TakeThisWaltz (@watchinghimrakeleaves)

One thing I absolutely cannot get enough of is fic where Cas is hiding out from Dean in heaven. It just hits. And the only thing better is Dean chasing him down and the WAY he does it in this fic, methodically and – well the method (sobs) it is so endearing and OBVIOUS and gives Dean a chance to shout in all the best ways. This one is just real sweet and kind of goofy and if they have to be in heaven, I want them to still be these same two dorks.

Stay by redbrickrose

This is a post S15x18 from Cas’s POV and I think it’s very true to where he would be in the moment of getting yanked out of the Empty: resigned, hesitant about what he has in front of him, still a little in shock. And then. And then. Sweet and simple and Dean gets a chance to say, say, say it. This author has a good post series AU and a lovely little spate of S15 codas, all good. And then wrote this in real-time in the week after 15x18 Despair and right before 15x19 Inherit the Earth aired (could you just sob over the possibilities?!) and then hasn’t wrote anything since and that’s a shame but, like, yeah I get it.

like a one-two punch by Muir_Wolf (@muirmarie)

Don’t you love a short fic that feels like it’s a whole novel? This goes AU after 14x20 Moriah but it is a truly delightful twist on how Chuck could’ve reacted there and it makes Dean sharp as a knife, which is one really resonant image woven through this fic. Great imagery here and so many clever solutions for the lazy plotting of S15, including simply one of my all-time favorites in any fic ever solutions to Cas’s deal (genius) and getting rid of Chuck. Brilliant like a puzzle box yet still full of so much fucking joy.

maybe i like pleasure pain by tothewillofthepeople (@kvothes)

The fact that this was written in October 2023 and is so agonizingly good fills my heart with joy and tells me Destiel will never die lol. Cas, in particular, is great in this – he’s having a hard time adjusting to being in a body and with all the fuzz of the world. I love fics where Cas struggles with coming back from the Empty and this uses a really unique approach to it: Cas facing sensory overload and not knowing how to feel but wanting it all. Lovely, hot, Dean is just right in this too.

Earlier Canon (pre S15)

Proverbs 13:12 by starlingcas (@angelcasendgame)

Many might say I am biased because Renu has beta’ed everything I have written in the SPN fandom and they can read my brain and make everything I write better. But it’s not just that. Renu has done something beautiful and delicate in this fic, which is about Dean and Cas getting trapped in a net together (forced proximity trope, yes please) and weaves a web of its own; pulling you in just as they are pulled together. This is set mostly in early S14 (before fixing the finale in the most heart-healing way) and captures that feeling so well. There’s so much that’s unsaid between them yet still conveyed and Renu absolutely nails that, along with the tender longing that was always there. This is a fic to relish.

you may tire of me (as our december sun is setting) by deludedfantasy

You know how the show just sometimes is like “uh so anyway uh then Cas…uh…left.” and it just doesn’t make one lick of sense? FINALLY FINALLY a fic where Dean says “I’ll go with you,” and then goes because he actually would do that. This is a post Tombstone fic so it is exactly where/when he WOULD go and it is tender and hesitant and aching in just all the ways it would be between the two of them at this time. It’s about needing to keep someone in sight, it’s about having another chance to say something so important, it’s slow and soft and just right for the characters in this place. I could read this one about 100 times.

the anatomy of flightless birds by cowlovely (@dollhousemary)

This fic is basically the way you feel when you get all cozy and snug underneath your favorite blanket. This is a domestic-life-in-the Bunker S9 fic where everyone behaves like they are in character and not just like they have to get Cas off screen because the writers panicked. You’ll just want to curl up in this fic and savor it the way you wrap your fingers around a hot beverage on a very cold day, there’s no better way to describe it.

virtue by JenTheSweetie

I think I’ve read this about 100 times and it still gets me everytime? It’s a five things fic about Dean and Cas hooking up and it’s all you’ve ever wished for. This is set in an amorphous S8 and it is not just agonizingly hot but also romantic and very funny. It feels really in character! Sam is hilarious, Dean is clueless but bowled over and letting himself be swept up, Cas is delighting in every second and smarter than he lets on and it ALL feels fated and lovely and sexy and just splendid. (this author only has 3 SPN fics but they are all so good and if you try sometimes, well you just might find is an absolutely brilliant deconstruction of Dean learning the differences between “needing” and “wanting.”)

Romance at the Motel 6 by shelia_amour 

This fic makes me feel like Stefon from SNL. This fic has everything: Cas and Sam pretending to be married, just the right amount of jealous Dean, Dean randomly pretending to be married to Cas, Dean realizing maybe this isn’t so fake after all, motel vibes, Cas in Dean’s clothes, Cas getting bee slippers. If you are not sold on this already, we are very different people. So good, aches just right. (set in a kind of “whenever” of canon, but I like to put it somewhere in S8.)

que sera sera by Purple_Starflower (@hauntedpearl)

The epitome of how fanfic unfolds for us all the things that COULD happen. You can’t PROVE to me Dean and Cas never snuck off to snuggle and feed Dean’s touch-starvation early in S13. I had to check when I finished because I just couldn’t believe this fic was under 4000 words because it feels so full of touch, longing, the things unspoken, and all the ways Dean was reaching, reaching, reaching. The best kind of ache, and everything by this author is lovely. 

the hard edge that you’re settling for by lesspopped (@trekkiedean)

This is some S10 Demon!Dean that made my stomach hurt and my heart ache and I absolutely loved it and I absolutely hated it and it all felt so REAL with who Demon!Dean was and could have been. There’s a TW for mildly dubious consent in this, but to me, Cas was so agonizingly true to who he was/where he was at this point in canon too. This fic is gloriously, claustrophobically intimate. I say unbearable because as a reader you know that this closeness, this intimacy, is what Dean wants/craves/deserves but can only give himself as a demon and the author does an exquisite job at getting all that across. Hurts so good! 

four of swords by sundryvillians (eurythmix) (@perenial)

Can the world ever have enough post 12x12 fic? The answer is, of course, no. Dean and Cas bake bread and in the soft space of creating something with their own hands, get so close to the words Cas said. It’s about healing and anger and making something just because you are so tired of everything breaking. If that alone isn’t enough to convince you, let me also throw in this is another one of those “possible off-screen moments in canon” that gives them something honest and tender and raw and it feels so very possible. 

Fifteen Prayers From the Faithless by koyas_cat

Short, achy, that sweet sting. A set of prayers for Cas from the beginning to the end, full of all the things Dean doesn’t let himself say outloud and just reflecting the changes in their connection over alllll the years. So good.

[lee-laurent]

The Past - John Marino

Summary: The timeline of John and Tori's relationship

notes: This is like a prequel to 'Done Trying!' You don't have to read this part, but it gives background on John and Tori's relationship. How they got to where they are in the fic now. The part after this will be a continuation of 'Done Trying' so look for that in the next few days. Also, I do not want to hear any negative criticism about how I've written her depression. I have depression myself and this is how it manifests for me. It's different for everyone, so I don't want to see any hate. Your experience may be different than mine, but every mental health experience is valid.

content: angst, fluff, unplanned pregnancy, break ups, anxiety issues, arguments, birth (not super graphic), mentions of sex but no actual smut, depressive episode, body image issues, mentions of abortion

2019

Tori wasn't drunk by any means, just a bit tipsy. Her fake ID had worked and she was enjoying her night out with her friends. The bar wasn't particularly busy, but the girls were managing to make it feel like a party.

The group of girls all turned to look at the door as a group of rowdy men entered. They were all cheering loudly and patting each other on the back.

"Was there a hockey game tonight?" one of Tori's friends asked.

"I think so," she shrugged, downing the rest of her rum and coke. "I'm going to get another one."

"We'll be here!" one of the other girls giggled.

"Hi, could I have another rum and coke, please?" she grinned at the bartender.

"Sure thing," the man returned with the drink a few minutes later, placing it in front of her, "That'll be 6 dollars."

She reached into her back pocket, when a voice beside her stopped her, "I've got it."

She turned, looking at the man next to her. He was significantly taller than her five foot frame, with tan skin and unruly, dark curls he brushed from his eyes.

"Oh! Thank you," she grinned, taking her drink from the counter.

"I'm John."

"Tori."

"You come here often? Sorry, I know that's cliche as fuck."

"Ha! No worries, my friends and I come here some weeks. It seems your group of friends is making it a bit more lively."

"Hope we're not interrupting your night."

"Not at all. We were the only ones making noise before you guys showed up. You from around here?"

"I'm from Massachusetts. But I moved here for work. You?"

"Pittsburgh born and raised," she smiled, raising her glass up before taking a sip.

The couple continued talking for the rest of the night. Tori wasn't the hookup type though, so instead of going home with him, she gave him her number. Leading to a long line of dates, until he finally asked her out officially.

2020

The world had locked down. No more hockey. No more school. No more work. Tori had subsequently moved into John's apartment so that they would be able to spend time together during the pandemic.

"What're you making?" John asked, wrapping his arms around Tori's waist, tucking his face in the crook of her neck.

"Oatmeal cookies."

"Smells good, baby."

"How was your nap?"

"Relaxing. Would've been better if you were there."

"You know naps make me feel like shit."

"I know... but the bed feels so empty without you."

"God, you're cheesy," she grinned, lifting her hand up to run through his mop of curls. "You want me to trim these?"

"Mmm, not today. I like them long. Why? Do you not like them?"

"I love your curls, Johnny. So sexy."

He grinned, pressing a kiss to her neck.

"I'm going to play 'chel with the boys. Call if you need anything."

She nodded, turning back to rolling the cookie dough into perfect balls. She'd taken up baking during the lockdown. John kept telling her he was going to be out of shape for the next season if she kept it up, but he continued to taste test everything for her nonetheless.

Another month into the lockdown and Tori wasn't herself. She wouldn't leave bed, she was taking naps, and John could barely get her to eat. She claimed she was fine, but he didn't believe her in the slightest.

"Come on, baby. I made mac and cheese, your favourite," he tempted, sitting on the bed and running a hand through her matted hair.

"Not hungry."

"You've gotta be hungry. You haven't eaten since yesterday morning. And all you had then was a couple crackers."

"I'm not hungry. Let me sleep."

"You've been sleeping all day. Can you get up and take a shower for me?"

"Too tired."

"Tori, baby..."

She just rolled over, hiding her face in the duvet. He sighed, leaving the bedroom and going to eat the food he'd made... why let it go to waste.

"How's Victoria doing, love?" John's mom asked through the phone, worry lacing her voice.

"I can't get her to do anything except sleep. I'm trying, Mom. She just..."

"Do you know if she has a history of depressive episodes?"

"Yeah, one when she was in high school. But she said she learned skills to cope."

"Just be there for her, John. That's all I can suggest."

"Thanks, Mom."

Two hours later, Tori emerged from the bedroom. She was wearing the same clothes she had been for days and her hair desperately needed a wash to rid it of grease.

"Hi, baby," John smiled softly.

"Hi. Will you come take a shower with me?" she whispered.

"Sure, but first can you just eat a few bites of the food I made?"

"I... I don't know."

"Please, Tori. Just so I know you're eating."

"Okay."

She sat on his lap, picking at the bowl of pasta in front of them.

"Five bites and we can take a shower."

"Okay."

It took her 20 minutes to take those five bites, but she did it. The couple stood under the hot water of the shower, embracing the time together outside of their room. John helped her wash her hair and brush out all the knots. She forgot how nice it felt to feel clean. She turned in his arms, squishing her face into his torso.

"I've got you, baby. I've always got you. I love you so much."

"I'm sorry, John," she sobbed, "I've been a terrible girlfriend."

"Shh, no you haven't. You're just struggling right now. It's okay. We'll get through his together."

"I love you. I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry. I just want what's best for you. And rotting in bed isn't."

She leaned up and pressed a soft, loving kiss against his lips. When she went in for another one, he turned his head, her lips landing on his cheek.

"Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry," she cried again.

"No, no. I just... I'd feel like I was taking advantage of you. I love you so much, but I can't... do anything until you're yourself again. Okay?"

"Okay."

The next day, John helped Tori find a therapist online. Even going as far as to join sessions to learn how he could help her to help herself.

2021

Now that lockdown restrictions had been lifted slightly, Tori was thriving. She was going on daily walks and working on new coping skills to use when she felt that numbness creeping back in.

John was back to playing hockey and finally their lives had back some normalcy. A normalcy that had formed itself into a very... intimate love life for the two. There didn't seem to be a day that the two weren't having sex. Tori was pretty sure roadies were the only days they weren't falling asleep naked.

It was amazing, until it all came crashing down at the end of December. Tori had been feeling like shit for almost a week now. She felt sluggish and the sent of John before he showered after practice had her sick to her stomach. The idea of being pregnant though wasn't even a thought that crossed her mind. She had an IUD. They were safe. Surely it couldn't be...

"Do you want me to pick up a test, just in case? I know you said it's like almost impossible," John asked as he walked to his car at the arena.

"Sure, if it'll make you feel better. Pick up two, just in case one is faulty."

"Sounds good, babe. Be home in 20. Love you."

"Love you too, Johnny."

The couple stood in the bathroom, re-reading the instructions for the tests.

"I think it's self explanatory, John."

"I just want to make sure you're doing it right!" he swatted her hand away as she tried to grab the paper from him.

"Whatever," she rolled her eyes, sitting on the toilet with the stick.

"Yeah, just piss on it. Then we've gotta wait 5 minutes."

"Sounds good. You stayin' in here while I pee?" she giggled.

"I'll be right outside."

Peeing on the test was harder than she thought. It was like she couldn't get herself to pee, she was so nervous. After a couple minutes though, she'd put the caps back on and placed them on the counter.

"Come in, John. But I'm telling you, I'm not pregnant. Trusty old IUD keeps your sperm outta there."

"Maybe I've got really persistant sperm."

"I-" the timer rang. "You ready?"

"Yep."

At the same time, they flipped the tests, the plastic clattering against the sink as Tori dropped it.

"They- They must be faulty. False positive, right? Right, John?"

"I- is that a common occurance? I'll google it," he typed on his phone quickly, spelling half the words wrong, "There's less than a 1% chance of that, Tori."

"So? Maybe we're in that percentage. Did you even get good ones?"

"They were the most expensive ones! I just grabbed them!"

"They're wrong."

"Victoria..."

"Don't 'Victoria' me! They're wrong! I'm not pregnant! It's just a cold."

John rolled his eyes, "Can you at least go to the doctor? Get meds for your cold then."

"Fine! I'll make an appointment right now!"

"Perfect. I'm going to make dinner."

"I'm not pregnant," she whispered to herself as she typed in the number for her doctor.

"Is there any chance you're pregnant?" the doctor asked, staring into Tori's eyes.

"I have an IUD."

"I've seen it happen. Would you mind giving us a urine sample?"

Yay. Peeing into more things.

It didn't take long for the results to come back. The doctor entered the room holding a stack of paperwork.

"So, the urine sample came back positive for high levels of hCG. Which means you are pregnant."

"That's not possible."

"I know this is probably a lot to take in right now. I've written down some suggestions for a few OBs I reccomend. As well as some supplements we reccomend for the early stages of pregnancy. From the test, I'd say you're about three weeks."

"Shit. Um, sorry. Thank you. I'll, uh, call these numbers," Tori forced a smile, rushing off to get home.

"So? You are pregnant?" John asked, his eyebrow quirked.

"Yes. I just-"

"Okay."

"Okay? That's all you have to say?"

"What do you want me to say, Tori? 'Yay! I'm so excited to be a dad at 24!' Cause that'd be a lie."

"Stop acting like this is all my fault!"

"I never said that! I just... we've never even talked about having kids! This is all very sudden."

"How do you think I feel?! I'm the pregnant one! Now I have to tell all my friends and family that I got knocked up at 22!" she threw her purse down on the counter.

"You told me the IUD would work fine."

"Why are you blaming me? God, John! Grow up!"

"I should grow up?! You're the one yelling at me!"

"You're fucking infuriating!" she shouted, stomping off to their room. The door shut with a harsh slam, making the pictures on the wall swing.

"Fuck me," John muttered, grasping at his hair.

John slept on the couch that night, not wanting to deal with being yelled at again.

"We should talk about this, Tori," he offered at breakfast.

"Why? I'll just get the pregnancy terminated. You don't it."

"Tori... can we think about this? Make a rational decision."

"Why? Is getting an abortion not rational?"

"Not what I said. I just think you're still angry about yesterday, so you're not think rationally. We need to make a decision together here."

She rolled her eyes, "You made it clear how you feel."

"Did I?"

"Yeah, I think your words were 'I'm not excited to be a dad at 24!' So, there's our answer. You won't have to be," she sassed.

"Victoria, sit down."

"You're not my fucking dad."

"Stop acting like a child! Sit down!"

John rarely yelled at Tori, so the tone of his voice had her sitting right back down.

"Thank you. Listen, I'm not thrilled to be a dad right now, but I'm not telling you to end the pregnancy. I- we can make this work. I want you to make the final decision, but I won't be leaving if you decide this is what we're doing. I love you. And I support whatever decision you make. I will love that baby unconditionally."

"I... I need time to think about everything," she nodded, her lips pursed.

"I understand. But I really don't want to continue this arguing. I want us to enjoy our trip to Massachusetts. Not dwell on this and see our family."

"Okay, I have another appointment in January. You can come... if you'd like. I don't want to tell our families yet."

"Of course... I love you."

She sighed, "I love you too. No more fighting?"

"No more fighting," he nodded.

2022

Tori knew that nobody in the waiting area was judging her, but she felt judged. Her leg was bouncing, her nerves getting the best of her. She was filling out the paperwork that they'd given her. John placed a comforting hand on her thigh, trying to calm her.

"They're removing the IUD today. I don't know if you wanna be in there when they do it."

"I'll stay for moral support."

"Are you sure?"

"Why not," he shrugged.

Tori opened her mouth to respond when her name was called.

"Is your boyfriend coming with us today?" the nurse smiled.

"Yes, if that's okay."

"No problem! The doctor will be right in. We're going to start with the IUD removal. So if you could just strip from the waist down, she can get started."

"Do you want me to turn around?" John asked, taking a seat on the chair in the corner.

"No? Nothing you haven't seen before."

She sat down, throwing the sheet they'd.given her over her legs.

"Nervous?"

"A bit. It hurt to get in. People say it's worse coming out."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Want me to hold your hand?"

"That'd be nice," she smiled.

There was a knock at the door, "We all ready in here?"

"Yep. Come in."

"Hi, Victoria! I'm Dr. Reese. It's nice to meet you!"

"Hi. This is my boyfriend, John."

"Nice to meet you as well! We're going to start with the IUD removal, then we can start chatting about baby. Sound good?"

"Yeah. Is it okay if John holds my hand?"

"Of course! Alright, scooch, scooch. Perfect. Take a deep breath for me."

Tori inhaled, squeezing John's hand. Her eyes screwed shut. A pained breath escaped her mouth. Even John squinted, watching as the doctor pulled on the little strings.

"And done!"

"Thank God," Tori whispered.

"I'll step out! You can throw your clothes back on and I'll be back in a minute with the ultrasound machine."

"You ready?" Tori asked John, buttoning up her jeans.

"Yeah," he shrugged, sitting back down.

John and Tori had discussed things the day before. They were keeping the baby. It was an emotional discussion. Talking about the logisitcs of the whole thing. Especially with her still in school and John playing hockey.

"Ready to see baby?" the doctor smiled brightly.

"Yeah."

"Mhm."

"Alright. I warmed up the gel, it shouldn't be too bad," Dr. Reese moved the wand over Tori's lower abdomen. "And here is baby."

It looked like a little blob, but it still made John's eyes water.

"So, you're about 6 weeks. Measurements look good. I'll want to see you again around 18-20 weeks. You can schedule that on your way out. Congratulations, again."

"You alright, babe?" Tori asked, noticing how quiet John had gotten.

"Hm, yeah. I just... I didn't think I'd be this emotional. Especially over what looks like an alien."

Tori laughed, "Don't call our baby an alien!"

"I'm sorry," he giggled, wiping his eyes, "But it does look a little like an alien."

"Okay... maybe just a little."

The couple left the doctors' office laughing quietly to themselves, their hands intertwined.

Six Months Pregnant - May 2022

It was three in the morning and Tori was sobbing, "You don't understand, John. We're out of pickles."

"I heard you. I just... I don't understand why you're crying."

"I need pickles, John," she cried.

"I- I don't know where to get you pickles at 3am. Everything is closed."

Tori pulled herself out of bed, storming into the kitchen. She dug through the fridge and freezer, trying to find anything that would help her cravings. She pulled a bowl of watermelon out of the fridge, digging in.

John sluggishly joined her in the kitchen, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'll get you pickles in the morning."

She just nodded, taking another forkful of melon. It wasn't as fulfilling was a jar of mini dill pickles, but it was helping. She couldn't even count how many jars of pickles she'd gone through during her pregnancy, but this was the first time they'd been out. It felt like the end of the world to her pregnancy hormones.

John loved Tori to bits, but the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy was beginning to make him tired. He knew it wasn't fair and that she was going through much more, but lord was he exhausted.

"Do you want me to stay here? Or should I go back to bed?"

She shrugged, shovelling more food into her mouth. John sighed, coming around the counter. He placed a hand on her waist and one on her growing stomach.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Do you want to go back to bed?"

She hummed, taking one last bite. They shuffled back to the bedroom, Tori hugging onto her pregnancy pillow. John fucking hated the thing, but Tori couldn't sleep without it, so... he'd deal with it for the next three months.

August 2022

John had just been traded from Pittsburgh to New Jersey and now... it was time for their baby to enter the world.

"Ah!" Tori gripped her stomach. She was walking around the hospital room, waiting to be fully dilated. John was being supportive as possible, getting her more ice chips when requested and holding her hand when ever she felt a contraction. "Is it time yet?"

"The nurse said it could be a while, because it's your first."

"It's going to be our only. Holy shit! Why did you do this to me?"

John laughed, "I'm sorry, baby. You're the strongest woman I know. You've got this. Do you want to use the yoga ball again?"

"No! I just want the baby out of me!"

"And they said that the yoga ball will help that."

"Fine," she groaned, squatting down on the blue yoga ball. John smiled, watching as she bounced up and down, her cup of ice chips in her hand.

"They'll be back with the epidural soon. Then it'll be smooth sailing," he comforted.

10 hours later and she was finally pushing. She was squeezing John's hand so tight he thought it might break. But he tried to be supportive nonetheless.

"One more big push, Mama," the doctor smiled.

"I can't do it."

"You've got this, Tori," John whispered.

"I can't do it."

"Just one more push and our baby is here, love."

She braced, feeling the pressure one last time. She pushed and a wail filled the room.

"And here's baby boy."

"It's a boy?" John was smiling so wide, it hurt his cheeks.

"It is. Want to come cut the cord, Dad?"

He nodded excitedly, watching as they gave his son his first bath.

"Here you go, Mama," they placed the baby on her chest.

"Hi, baby," she was too tired to cry, but her son was so beautiful. He had a head of dark hair which explained the heartburn she'd had during the pregnancy.

"We'll be back in a bit to help you get him to latch. And then they'll be in with the name paperwork."

"Here," John smiled, unbuttoning part of her gown so she could do skin to skin.

"Riley."

"Hm?"

"Riley Alexander Marino."

"It's perfect, baby. Here, I'll hold him. You get some rest."

December 2022

Things were falling apart. The couple was arguing almost every day. Tori was struggling. She hated the way she looked and that feeling of numbness was starting to creep back in. But she wouldn't allow it, she needed to be there for Riley.

John was going through the hockey season and adjusting to a new team. He was barely home. And when he was, he was beyond tired. Not being much help at all. Night shifts were nonexisitant. It was always Tori getting up to get their son. John either "slept through it" or "was too tired from hockey."

Everything came crumbling down a week before Christmas.

"You're not any fucking help! Ever!" Tori yelled, throwing the burp cloth down on the counter. "I haven't left the apartment in days! I haven't been able to take a shower in days! All I do is take care of Riley!"

"Your his mom! Did you think you wouldn't have to take care of him?!"

"God! That's not what I meant and you KNOW it! Your his dad! When are you going to step up and actually do some fucking work?"

"I'm providing for us, Victoria! Would you rather I quit and we have no income?!"

"That's it. I'm leaving!"

"You're leaving?! Where are you going?"

"Anywhere that you aren't, John. I can't fucking deal with you right now. Call me when you've grown the fuck up and decide you actually want anything to do with your son," she stormed off to the bedroom, throwing things into a duffle bag.

"Victoria! You can't just leave! Talk to me!"

"I can leave! I can do whatever the fuck I want!"

"You- you can't just leave with Riley!"

"Sure, I can! Not like you parent him at all!"

"Victoria!"

"No! Fuck off!"

The screaming woke Riley from his nap and his wails soon filled the apartment as well.

"Great! Look what you've done!" John threw his hands up in frustration.

"What I did? You're so fucking immature. Stop acting like you're 12 and start acting like the 25-year-old you are!" Tori went to the nursery, grabbing some of Riley's things and putting them in the bag as well. She picked up her son, strapping him into his carrier. John was standing in the door, shell-shocked.

"Please, Tori. Just think about this. Please."

"No. I'll be back for more of our things in a couple days," she shook her head, leaving John all alone in the apartment.

March 2023

It was official. John and Victoria were done. Tori had gotten her own place and Riley went to see John every weekend. Slowly but surely, John and Tori were forming a friendship. They wanted things between them to be good for Riley.

And this friendship leads us to where we are now...

[compacflt]

you're a legend for referencing lauren berlant and michael warner in relation to your top gun fic and I'd like to think that they would say the same!! the stories that you've created are beautiful explorations of some of the biggest questions posed in queer theory: who are we in public? who are we in private? where is the line that separates the two (spoiler: there is no way to actually separate the two, no binary) and what are the structural forces bearing down upon all of that bullshit! I for one would love to see your questions about privacy and respectability explored with rooster and ice and mav. especially considering the generational cliff between them, with the aids crisis in the background of rooster's childhood when they were all the closest, in your world. anyway! you are an incredible writer and it's been a privilege to read you work :)

thank you so much for this ask!! yes i have spent so much time thinking about this. In March i started working on a new-yorker-style interview that tried to address a bunch of these questions. Since I didn’t do wip wednesday yesterday (sorry) here’s some relevant sections of that wip related to your ask. I don’t think it’s spoilers since I’m not sure id ever post this anywhere—you can see for yourself how entertaining the writing is and it’s overly political and didactic. Just a lame hegelian dialectic where im interrogating my own characters (at least, my own interpretations of them) on their politics. And I’m not an expert on any of this stuff (currently on the slow uphill climb out of the valley of the dunning-kruger graph—trying to learn). Nor am I fact-checking it & that feels irresponsible to post For Real. so just take this post as a fun (for me) exploration of what i (20y.o., ignorant, no editorial oversight, smooth-brained) think Might be some political implications of my fics, trying to write from a lib-moderate pov (tough!)

talking points I wanted to address:

The politics of ice’s career, both internationally & domestically (some wild navy scandals happened under his “tenure” [fat Leonard most pressingly—would LOVE to know how actual TGM’s ice & mav felt about that bc it was SO FUCKING CRAZY, navy officers & admirals having wild sex parties paid for by a singapore defense contractor (the details are so fucking crazy i can’t even say them here—one anecdote involves 7th fleet officers using WWII/Korean war general macarthurs historical memorabilia during sex acts—go read about it) a couple PACFLT RDMLs were charged with actual crimes, 60 admirals (of the navys total 160 admirals) were under investigation & both my and TGM’s ice & cyclone would probably have been two of them, basically if you were a pacflt officer in the mid-2000s-2010s you were under investigation it was so fucking wild]) —and another geopolitical look at the implications of both top gun movies (reagan weighs in from beyond the grave)

Ice and mav who can’t win—they want their relationship to Not Be A Big Deal. leave us alone. We’re Normal. we’re not Weird or anything. —but can’t understand WHY their relationship is so sensational/political—yes, boys, it is a big deal, sorry!! mavericks probably the last Ace the world will ever see & ice is the secretary of the navy and they’re married, fuck yes that’s newsworthy!!!

my version of Ice acceding to SECNAV at the intersection of a couple crucial contextual moments for the navy/military as a whole: 1. Recruitment is currently fucked. This interview takes place in 2020/early 2021, and things were bad then, but the numbers just came out for the Navy this year, and hoooooly shit they are so bad. And blame is falling along partisan lines like always: Ds blame low recruitment numbers on lack of benefits etc, Rs literally i am not shitting you are mostly blaming low recruitment numbers on the military going Woke. The USN has long been seen as the most obnoxiously woke/gay (derogatory) service to conservatives & there’s a lot of political baggage that comes with having a SECNAV who, while not openly identifying as gay, is openly married to another man. especially with a recruiting crisis like this one. 2. Withdrawal from afghanistan obviously. kind of a shit way for ice to end his career ngl. It Did Not Go Super Well. 3. rising tensions in eastern europe pre RU-UA invasion in 2022, what that means for the MIC and procurement, etc. 4. The joint chiefs openly declaring they (& by extension the military as a whole) would not support trump’s coup attempt post-J6—the end of that extremely politically polarized presidency—what does it mean for the following Dem president to then have a gay secnav after that? It’s HUGE. SO no matter what, Ice as SECNAV is going to go down in history. He just wants it to be for his actions, not the fact that he’s gay.

Icemav’s relationship with their identities. We really really don’t want to be known for being gay. “Ask me what my proudest achievement is, I’ll tell you without a second of hesitation—my family. Without a doubt. But does any military man really want to be best-known for his marriage?” We want to be known for being the BEST at our jobs, which we are. We’ve earned that title! There’s so much more interesting stuff about us than who we got married to.

AND how that is a liberal-moderate-conservative median-50% meritocratic WET DREAM of an ideology. an interview like this one is a straight fluff piece pre-ice’s confirmation to secnav—it lets him prove to the moderate liberals that he’s left-leaning enough to protect social justice interests in the USN, AND prove to conservatives that he’s right-leaning enough to not let identity politics/“woke bs” get in the way of the navy’s mission of providing a lethal maritime fighting force. the merits of this ideology are up for debate.

maybe helping the conservative viewpoint of that ideology: The fact that the Kazansky-Mitchell-Bradshaw-seresin family is so not-stereotypically gay. Like, look at these four guys. 9-to-11 combat kills between them (11 in my universe where ice gets an extra 2, 9 canon confirmed) in a period of history/modern warfare when ANY air-to-air kill is/was massively historically significant. Extremely macho & tough. They present themselves about as traditionally and toxically masculine as you could possibly get. Theyve KILLED PEOPLE. They’re not “soft” by any stretch of the imagination. Physically & emotionally they ARE extremely conservative, and there’s something to be said about the politics of that too—molding yourself into the shape of what you think a man should look like, just to avoid persecution, and then performing masculinity BETTER than even the men who would want to persecute you…!

Related to your ask: the modern/young ppl inclination to make sexuality SO political and public. When asked how he could reckon with joining a DADT-ruled navy, rooster answers: “hope I could do something to destroy it before it could destroy me.” When asked why he DIDNT use any of his considerable power to influence the repeal of DADT, ice answers: “it was better than the blanket ban that came before it. And maybe I’ve always wanted neither to tell nor to be asked.” the conservative respectable opinion that your intimate relationships ought to be PRIVATE, doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight—just do your job, and preferably do it well. yeah, don’t ask and don’t tell. It’s not anyone’s business. ice doesn’t have a philosophical problem with DADT, because he agrees sexuality should be private & secret. —is it anyone’s business? whose business is it? How much of your personal life do you owe the public if you’re a public-facing individual like the COMPACFLT or SECNAV? all good questions!!!!

[applesandbannas747]

If you lost all of the stories you’ve ever published on ao3 and were only able to recover five, which stories would they be, and why? (Top five across the board, but top five fence fics would be cool too) 📚✨

I completely welcome you to write a novel length answer 📝✨

okay HOW did I never see this one? This is such a fun and mean question!!

In no particular order:

Fairy Bound - this is my only current Artemis Fowl fic, but it's one of my favorite things I've ever written because it's everything I want in a series that was long finished when I wrote it. It's the ending and conclusion I wish the characters got (and I'm disappointed severely with the new canon material). It's also just full of tropes I love and has moments that have a soft spot in my heart. I also know it's meant as much to a good number of people in the fandom as it has to me, so it would be missed if it were lost

Truths - this took the cake for longest work I'd written for a long time before being dethroned, and it was a really cool experience to write. I think the Truths series was the last I wrote as I posted, which was really fun because some comments helped shape it if I remember correctly. It's where I really fleshed out a lot of my ideas about Fence and the characters and was a huge milestone in my writing abilitiy--it really helped me to improve in a lot of ways, and I think it was a milestone in my Fence era as well. I connected with a lot of people during its run that I've longsince lost contact with but will always love, and it's another one that people tell me from time to time really means something to them, which makes me love it extra for that--I don’t know, connection? And of course I used a lot of tropes I love and built up a lot of headcanons and lore that I still carry to this day!

Trouble - man this is where Eugesse started, and I can't abandon it even if I'd change so much about it if I wrote it again. I love a lot of moments from this fic and I indulged so much in building the Labaos and learning how to code to make text messages--it was a fic filled with so many firsts! But I also assumed it would be a fic filled with a lot of lasts--I truly didn't intend to write Eugesse again until we had more content on him because this was back during The Great Hiatus (but boy am I glad I didn't stick to that 💀💀💀)... So the iea with Trouble was that it got to be paced weirdly because there were so many moments, beats, and tropes I wanted to hit with Eugesse and this was my only chance, so I needed to fit them all in. So while this is the only fic I debated over including on this list because I think it's the weakest one here in terms of writing, it will always hold a special place in my heart, and it means a lot to me.

Promised Things - how could I not include the Things to Hold Onto series? In a very literal way if my house were burning to the ground, the physical bookbound (!!!!!) versions a friend made and sent me would be top priority after living things. This is another fic that I really strove to improve my writing with, and it's significant as well because it was the fic I wrote after an autistic meltdown over the ARC of Striking Distance I read, after which, I felt sick and conflicted whenever I thought about writing for Fence because the thought of adjusting my characterizations to fit canon made sent me spiraling. So I took a break and wrote a couple novels, including one that took the plot of an au I'd been looking forward to writing (if you're wondering when this 'break' took place, it was March-July 2020; I had enough backlog that there was never a break in my posting schedule to reflect the break I took in writing). But do you know what I found? I was more miserable not writing for Fence than anything, and even while I was actively writing novels in NaNoWriMo challenges, I found myself sneaking in writing time for Fence anyway--for Promised Things, specifically. And I found my love of Fence again through it, which sounds like such a conceited thing to say lmfao but I love who I thought the characters were and writing this fic helped me start to accept that it was okay to still write them the way I saw them. So on a meta level, this one means a lot to me. And on a writing level, I'm proud of the detail I put into it and the planning it took. Pull up any chapter in this series and I could find the day of the week it took place on. I've not quite achieved this level of detail since. It also got a lot of editing to improve it as we went along, and I'm happy with how it turned out and proud of the work that went into it. And, yeah, I'm lizardbrained too and the fact that this one got WAY more love than I ever expected in any way does (positively) effect how I see it. So this one's getting saved lol

Breakable Things - to this day, this fic is one of the stories I am proudest of, and I think it's a strong piece of writing in terms of character development. It was a long redemption arc for Jesse and I worked really hard on making it a successful one--and it is the number one fic I've had people tell me I won them over with Jesse in, so I like to think that it was a successful arc XD I've always said that in this series, Seiji and Jesse both grew up in hell, but they both view Jesse and Jesse only as the monster--and in Promised Things, we get Seiji's point of view, and Nick's, who is seeing through the damage done to Seiji and seeing a monster in Jesse through it. Which made writing Breakable Things so fucking fun because Eugene's the only perspective that doesn't cast Jesse as the villain. And, yeah, Jesse sees himself as a victim and likes to throw himself pity parties, but under it all, it's not Seiji he blames for anything, it's not his dad, it's hardly even Nick. and we get to see that in this fic and see how the damage he caused is just as real as before, but that his pain isn't less than Seiji's. And more than any other character in the series, Jesse works to confront the truth of who he is and figure it out and improve, a lot of the time, alone. Seiji fell into a situation that naturally healed him. Jesse dove head first into one that was intended to break everyone--but he was also put on an edge that Seiji wasn't, and that made all the difference. Anyway, I have a lot of feelings about Jesse and I had a lot of fun trying to redeem him/show his side and contrast it with Seiji's without making it feel like I was trying to tragic-backstory his ass out of accountability for the shit he did. Also! I wrote bits of this fic in tandem with Promised Things--any major scene with Jesse, I either had notes for Jesse's side, wrote Jesse's side right after, or even wrote Jesse's POV of it first, which was an interesting way of writing a sequel that I've never done any other time.

[chekensheppppp]

It feels like up until recently only people who shipped Gio/Ghetsis were me and my friend. It's awesome to see more people get into them!! Pealse, do share more of your hcs about them, raunchy or not. Also qurious how you see admins react to an Unovan out of all people stealing their boss' attention

Not me already thinking that they look good together back around 2020/2021 and thought I was also alone on this (I only got obsessed when I read that one fic of em here)

It's great to see that we're growing now though. Now we can all be delusional about evil old men yaoi together yayayay

A few hcs under cut

They sparingly use pet names (they're too old and way too prideful and "mature" for that), they mostly refer to each other with their full first names though during more casual convos, they do use shortened versions of each other's first name. But during moments when they're truly alone and/or feeling very affectionate, they would occasionally call each other dear, dearest, darling, my king (mostly from Ghetsis), my queen (from Giovanni, especially when Ghet is dressed up all pretty. He doesn't mind being called a feminine term of endearment. To him, it just means he's just that gorgeous) and certain Italian and Japanese terms of endearment (from Gio obviously). Some may argue that the way they affectionately refer to each other with their surnames can be counted as pet names.

It's no secret that Ghetsis' anger is absolutely terrifying and Arceus have mercy if you are ever on the receiving end of it. However, Gio has found a way to calm him down greatly. He just have to gently hold and massage his left hand and kiss the back of it as if he's courting him. If that doesn't fully subdue him, then an arm wrapping around his waist to pull him closer and a short but passionate kiss on the lips will 99% will. Anyone witnessing this will just be surprised at how fast Gio can quell his wrath and frankly, just how bold this guy is to seduce Ghetsis.

Before getting together, they'd think they're both manipulating each other. Upon getting together, they'd still think that they're just using each other. Hell, they could get married and everything and they'd still believe that this relationship is nothing more than a scheme to control each other. But despite that, even though they believe that they are just using the other for their own agenda, the casual fascination they have for each other's interests and hobbies, the slight flutter whenever they do something romantic together, the pang of jealousy whenever the other is being too close with someone else, the lustful desire to get closer and closer whenever they get caught in heated passions, the yearning to have someone so like-minded and equally strong to rule all of existence with; all of these don't lie. Deny it all they want but they have caught horrible feelings for each other and it's only a matter of time before the truth eventually escapes one of them. That will be the day when the two cruelest villains will shut down as the fact becomes clear, they are undoubtedly, inexplicably, and truthfully in love.

And regarding the rocket admins AKA Gio's number 1 simps on what they think about their boss dating the most feared crime boss in Unova:

short answer: they are all jealous in varying degrees but they try to remain cordial and professional for their boss.

long answer:

Archer - Man, he's not taking this too well being the Gio-obsessed guard dog he is. He mostly looks like he's unbothered when on the job but once he clocks out, he cycles through the four stages of grief (he has yet to reach acceptance) at least 10 times a day. Among the 4 admins, he's the one who is the most badly affected by this. He'd even try to find ways to separate them but of course he'd end up getting reprimanded by Gio later on. Perhaps one day, they'd break up and have his boss back. For now, he will stick to that delusion as much as he could.

Ariana - I may have a contradicting headcanon for her compared to some of ya'll. Among the 4 admins, she is the least affected and the least jealous. She and Gio were once together so it's a surprise she's not as upset about this like Archer. That's mostly because that she's had her fill with being with him in the past and after everything that happened since the initial downfall and revival of Team Rocket, she slowly drifted away considering how much Gio valued growing stronger on his own and was more focused on the team than her or even their own child (she's not a better parent than Gio but she still cares for Silver the same way Gio does). While she does still greatly respect him for his strength, ability, and charisma and is mildly jealous that he has found someone else, she has mostly accepted that what they had was long gone and she's fairly happy for them now; even when he has a new lover, she will still be loyal to him even if the fire they had has been snuffed out.

Proton - On one hand, he is not happy about his boss having a lover, more so that this lover is the boss of an enemy team overseas of all people. On another, if the boss is now no longer in the market, then this is his chance to shoot his shot with Archer. He was initially really jealous at first but the jealousy wore off and is replaced with distrust and suspect on the Unovan. He supposes that he shouldn't overstep and just let them be as long as his boss doesn't get harmed (even if he still slightly wishes it was him). If he can't have Gio, maybe he can just go after his other crush though Archer is now extremely distraught with the situation, he decides to just wait it out for now before making a move (waiting it out is not gonna work, go for it already Proton so that Archer can stop crying in his sleep every night).

Petrel - While not as jealous as Archer, he does ponder about how it would be if it were him. He does wish as well that the boss would even look at him like that. He did contemplate that he should try disguising as the Plasma boss but discarded that idea because of course Gio can see right through that. He is still wary about the two's relationship, but he tries not to let it get to him too much compared to a certain teal haired rocket admin.

And lastly (suggestive warning) :

Raunchy huh. You sure ya'll wanna hear those hcs? Eh sure, here's one

I did say in that one headcanon that a kiss on the lips can calm Ghetsis down 99% of the time. Well what if that doesn't work either? The final step now is for Gio to drag Ghetsis somewhere private and fuck the anger out of him. Old Dennis can't be livid now that he's too tired, contented, and intoxicated from being dicked down, creamed, and pleased expertly by mafia man.

That's it for now yahoooooo.

[darthvaporwave]

I'm new to c-dramas. Should I watch The Untamed or Mysterious Lotus Casebook first

i have been asked about the obsession!! what a wonderful day :D

When it comes to decision making, I find it helps to determine your preferences!

Do you want a sad show with a happy ending or a fun show with a sad ending?

The Untamed is full of tragic events and like half the characters die, but it ends happily.

Mysterious Lotus Casebook is silly in a lot of places and a fairly light shade throughout, but it has a sad ending. Whiplash!

If that's not enough to decide... I have a lot more behind the cut! I love to overdo it

Do you want romance or This Other Thing?

The Untamed was adapted from the BL novel, Mo Dao Zu Shi. Although censorship laws make the romance non explicit, this is still a love story. It's so very obviously a love story. Just, they don't kiss on screen.

Mysterious Lotus Casebook... how do I characterize this?? It's a wuxia (martial arts story) that takes up, in my opinion, rather too much time solving mysteries that are kind of hmm. But it's in the title, so I can't say I wasn't warned. It has an overarching plot that involves world domination on one side and personal grief and loss on the other. It's also really gay. Apparently they dialed this up when making the show.

Do you want a slower show or something faster paced?

The Untamed has 50 episodes and was made when there were no strictures imposed on the number of episodes a show could produce. As a result, some scenes get kind of dilated. I didn't have a problem with this, but it has a much slower feel.

Mysterious Lotus Casebook has only 40 episodes and was made when 40 was the cap. It moves at a good clip. The mysteries are solved at a breakneck pace; the character element (and the plot I actually cared about) moves at a good rate.

Do you want to watch one of the best cdramas of all time, or my personal best of 2023?

The Untamed is, of course, what brought Chinese media to international attention. It was my gateway drug. It's also just a really well done show -- beautiful in its scenes and shots, with an incredible story and wonderful characters. Wei Wuxian's outfits are absolutely killer. The fight scenes are terrible. I would argue that with the increasing strictures of Chinese censorship laws, we are unlikely to get another character like Wei Wuxian for a long time.

Mysterious Lotus Casebook came out last year, and for me, it was the best cdrama I watched in 2023. Some of this is because Cheng Yi is a great actor - he has the ability to make things matter. The story has a lot of frankly absurd elements that it still manages to pull off because it puts the right emotions in the right places. The fight scenes in this one are actually good. It's also got a cast of great secondary characters, and the interplay between the three main characters is delightful.

If you like to read fanfic and participate in fandoms. . .

I spent several months of 2020 doing literally nothing except reading The Untamed fanfiction. I think I finished all of the available Mysterious Lotus Casebook fics in a single evening.

And if all that still doesn't decide it...

Nothing beats giving the first episode a try. See what clicks! If you do, just keep in mind the cardinal rule of watching The Untamed: the first episode makes absolutely no sense. You just keep going and wait to fall in love.

[fimproda]

Anotha question

Whats a fond memory you have from your time as a writer, either this Acotar fics or the previous ones? Has there been any reader comment you liked specially? Can you name some top 5 good experiences?

These asks are getting better and better, this is so interesting!

I have many, many fond memories of my time as a writer. Let me give a top 5 on this topic as well, and then I'll list my best experiences with readers.

It was the Year of the Lord 2020, November 5th if I recall correctly. I had started my first year of university on September 30th, and for my very first semester, the only subjects I had were General and Inorganic Chemistry I, General and Inorganic Chemistry Laboratory, and Maths I. It was a Wednesday. Usually, we would've had two hours of GenChem in the morning and two hours of Maths in the afternoon, but the professors had decided to switch for that day, so our lesson of GenChem started at 3 PM and should've gone on until 5 PM. Now, our GenChem professor was quite old and nearing retirement, and it had already happened that he'd cut lessons short because he'd gotten tired. That day, he ended the lesson after only one hour had passed, and I found myself staring at my computer screen at 4 in the afternoon without nothing to do. I don't know what drove me to open a document and type 4k words in one sitting, but I did it. I finished House of Cards that day, one year and a half since my latest update.

Speaking of House of Cards, I won the 2019 Wattys with that story. I remember that I was doing my homework, around 3 or 4 PM, and I either got an email from Wattpad or a message from one of my acquantainces that I'd met on Wattpad (I don't recall which one of these happened first) telling me that I'd won. I just smiled, texted my friends, told my readers and followers, and got back to my homework. The Wattys had never been a great deal for me, to be honest, but I dare anyone not to be happy when you've won something.

In 2022, watching Bridgerton season 2 and reading Tower of Dawn inspired me a great deal to write Daisy, chapter... 4? 5? Let's see if @zoyalannister has a clearer memory; I believe it was chapter 4.

Speaking of Zoya, I wrote from scratch a huge chunk of one chapter of her story How (not) to end a feud, which I was only supposed to edit. It was either chapter 6 or 7 (or maybe even 5, I truly don't recall), and I worked on it from the afternoon all the way into the night, until like 3 AM. Everyone who knows me well, including Zoya, knows that I am not a night owl by any means and I'm usually asleep by 11 PM, so me being awake at that late hour was quite unique, and in fact hasn't happened since.

Last year, I watched the last episode of Queen Charlotte, cried, and wrote a good 70% of Constellations, chapter 3 all at once.

And now for the reader experiences:

Let's start with House of Cards again. During my time on Wattpad, my friends bore witness to the many, many, truly dumb comments and/or reviews I got on my story. We were so used to it that, when the time came that I finally got a decent one, we full-on celebrated. If I had to number the actually good reviews I received, I'd say 5: one from Caterina, one from Rebecca, one from Elisa F., one from Elisa S. (who is one of my best friends now), and one from Giulia. Their comments and reviews are my Roman Empire; I think about them every day.

My grandma read all my old stories, the ones I wrote in Italian, and we used to have hour-long conversations about them. I don't know what else to say about this, I think it's enough. Pity that she doesn't know a single English word; it's been too long since I heard her opinion on one of my works.

The second comment I got on Hydrangea, soon after posting it on AO3: survivegladers said "A very well written story! I was able to really feel and understand Grace's feeling through the events! It's indeed an incredibly deep narrative that was handled in an assertive way." @zoyalannister and I were shitting ourselves in fear over that story, so when we got this comment, we were able to finally release the breath we'd been holding for days.

Literally every comment I got on In the shadow of a dream. I'd written it without much care or thought, in no more than 3/4 hours, when barely a day had passed since its conception. I was not expecting the overwhelming (and overwhelmingly positive) response from the public, and I'll always be grateful to the ACoTaR fandom for being so active and engaging.

Again, literally every comment on Constellations, chapter 3. I took a gigantic leap of faith with that chapter, choosing to voice some thoughts and ideas that I knew much of the fandom would consider wrong or at least controversial. I remember I'd just returned home from pilates when I got the first comment, which was a simple "Wow", and I couldn't bring myself to read it in a positive light: I kept thinking it meant something like "Wow, this is a load of bullshit". Thanfully, that reader then did me the favor to write something more and elaborate, and it did end up being a positive opinion. Another reader then kept answering my answers to her comments, so we struck up a conversation in the comment section. But to be fair, all my Constellations readers are wonderful people, @panaryn and @generalnesta above all others.

[nightofnyx8]

nyx!! thinking back to when u first really got focused on writing, do u think u would have any advice for that younger version of urself? do u think that advice is only really applicable to ur unique journey, or are there tidbits u can share with us as fellow writers too?

Oh hello my friend! Good to hear from you! 💕

I honestly really got back into writing during 2020 (when everyone else did lol, what else were we supposed to do?) I've always enjoyed writing stories since I was a kid, even if they were the typical cringy middle school exposition dump/reader inserts haha. I'd say that a lot of my stories live in my head, and sometimes they get so big that I just have to write them down. It's a wonderful way to destress after a long work week and honestly sort through a lot of my jumbled up emotions and feelings about certain aspects of my life.

If I could give my younger self advice, it would honestly be to just keep writing. I can remember countless of times where I would compare myself to other writers, only to look at my own work with contempt. But the longer I write, the more I realize that everyone has their own writing styles that make their work unique. Embrace what you're good at and keep exploring.

This one's certainly not applicable to everyone, but the number one thing that has improved my writing has been physically reading novels and listening to audiobooks. There is a certain cadence and rhythm in (good) published books that I really enjoy pulling apart. Your typical romance books have a rather simple prose but focus on making the characters retable to sell the chemistry. Your historical fictions often have much much prettier prose, almost poetic. It counteracts some of the darker parts of history as a filter so you can understand the context and empathize with the characters without it sounding like a museum piece. WWII books in particular are famous for that. And if a fantasy author knows what they're doing, they'll develop the worldbuilding along with the characters equally. That's my one major gripe with most sci-fi--the world is fascinating, but the characters are rather lackluster.

I'm currently focusing on sentence structure in my fics. Since I do teach music for a living, I like having a rhythm to my writing; making sure my sentences don't all start or end the same, differing lengths, and making sure the story is paced correctly. I am very much not perfect at it, and it's something I critique myself on a lot, but I think I'm improving!

Anyway that was a long answer but I really do enjoy writing and reading fics! I've met so many wonderful people online and in real life and I've learned so much from other authors. I've definitely picked apart some of your fics before haha ;) Just put yourself out there! You never know what could happen <3

[alphinias]

Ngl I’m torn about the split release. Part of me doesn’t mind as it continues the hype and people can theorise, but the other part of me has just been burned by Bridgerton and people hyping up what they think part 2 will be and it when it turned out to be a let down it came completely crashing down. 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

In all fairness, I feel like the second half of Bridgerton was not at all what it was advertised to be. You’re right that some fans (especially on TikTok echo chambers) will definitely get their expectations too set in a certain directions and then will be mad when the show doesn’t follow that exactly. It’s just a different way for negativity to bounce around but it’ll be there from some regardless.

I’m ALL for the two part release but I always have been. I think it’s going to be a great thing! Give me the active fandom and the theorizing and anticipation any day! I’ve been writing fic for this show since 2020 (and I think a lot of us have been at least reading fic since then) so I can take if the show doesn’t go exactly the way I had envisioned as long as it’s not literally just bad. Which parts of Bridgerton were, and as far as I’m concerned, if it’s bad I’ll be disappointed either way so at least we get an active fandom and probably better numbers this way.

[chiocchi]

Chiocchi!

Big fan of your artistry. I love your art so much! And those graphic novels you have on ao3??? Heaven sent! I use them as an imagery reference if I read any similar trope haha!

I asked the same question to leafiloaf since I love them too, but I'll be very interested to know your artistic journey if you don't mind sharing. How did you start with your art?

Tysm for being in this fandom ❤️

youknowmevj! omg thank you so much! You're too kind 😭🥺❤️❤️❤️ And yess lots of love to leafiloaf

Thanks for the ask! I've never told anyone about it and I'm so excited I'll give you so much unnecessary context. Oops long post.

My artistic journey

I've enjoyed drawing since I was little, but mostly I just drew doodles in my notebook. Anime was a big inspiration for my style and I wanted to create digital illustrations too. When I was a teenager, I tried using a mouse and a PC, and my finger and some app on my phone, but the results were always terrible. I told myself it was because I didn't have a drawing tablet, so "of course my drawings will look ugly" and stopped trying.

However, I promised a discord friend that I would do a drawing for her in December 2020. So, I downloaded this app called "Ibis Paint" on my phone and, with all my effort despite my lack of ability, I drew Harry using the app and my finger jskldhfsa

I was so hesitant and nervous about showing it to her. I could tell it wasn't pretty, just "weird and awkward", and I felt embarrassed. But she told me it was good (LIES) and somehow convinced me to share it with others on the server. Despite feeling shy, I shared it anyway. To my surprise, three people told me it was pretty! I appreciated their kindness.

It wasn't until March 2021 that I returned to drawing digitally and on a more consistent basis. I was mainly doing fanart for a game that I liked.

In May or June (I can't remember exactly), I stumbled upon an artist who created incredible art using Ibis Paint. And I realized that I didn't need a drawing tablet, just more practice and skill, because if they could do it, then I could do it too! That was the moment I began taking art more seriously (still as a hobby, though!).

Due to the pandemic, I had a lot of free time, which I used to watch a lot of tutorials, practice gesture and follow the advice of artists I liked. With every drawing I made, I could see an improvement, which motivated me even more to keep on working hard (drawing became a source of comfort during those depressing times. It was just really fun).

In late 2021, I mentioned to a childhood friend that I wanted to buy a drawing tablet, and he asked me if I wanted his old one, which I excitedly accepted. Finally, I had the tool that would make my art incredible… or so I thought! I was terrible with it. For the first few months, I preferred Ibis paint and my finger. But I eventually got the hang of it! What I love the most are the multiple brushes and pressure settings. I'm such a hoarder, even if I don't use all of them ksklajdl.

In 2022, I participated in several bigbangs and zines, but what I'm most excited to talk about is the tomarry comic that I started.

My tomarrymort art

I've read tomarrymort fics since 2017, but I wasn't active on the fandom. In 2020, I joined a writer's server (all love to Amanda) and met the friend I mentioned earlier. So technically, you could say my love for tomarrymort lead me here kek

Even though my main inspiration was a game, here is some fic fanart I made.

This is my first tomarry art (July 27th, 2021). It's a scene from Genius by the Numbers. I think it looks weird kjdshk

I also made art for A Mating of Convenience, what started in beautiful rooms, Dripping Fingers and for Ale, beloved. (I think I've never posted these before.)

Then two things happened: I saw comic on ao3 (If I'll Ever See You by festivewind) and I was like "WOW! THAT'S SO COOL" and "omg we can upload comics!"

The second thing was me being rejected as a webtoon background artist (naturally, as I wasn't good enough for the specifics) and the spite made me want to do my own so I could improve my weakness (the grind never stops 💪🔥).

I read some of my old notes for story ideas (I'm not good at writing but I still had some snippets of stories). And boom! Love triangle but the 3 of them are idiots (affectionate). Fun fact: the original version had a murder, someone in Azkaban and someone hating the other forever :D

Don't pretend started as an anonymous work because some of my friends knew my AO3 username and I was afraid of screwing up the format (I don't know html) and looking like a fool DKJALKSJL I was also afraid of possible backlash (I'm an over-thinker).

None of that happened (comments were very kind and nice!) But idk, it was nice being anon. I'm awkward and shy and I usually don't know what to say to compliments (Sometimes a "thank you" doesn't feel enough but that's all my brain can offer 😭)

Then I made some tomarry christmas art and shared it on TRoR discord server and someone asked me if I had Tumblr and I said no but that gave me the idea of making one.

Since I planned Don't pretend as being a long story, I realized it'd take me a long time to finish it and I wanted to contribute to the complete tomarrymort works! That's the reason I took a pause and made A Soulmate Like You.

Anyway, I made this tumblr on January 2023, and the plan was to fill it with art so, eventually, when I found the courage to make my works non-anon, I could link to this page. Except that I posted one drawing, and that was enough for isalisewrites to know it was me HJKASDJLA. So I stopped the anonymous thing.

I'm still not used to being "perceived" 👁️👁️ but I've learned it's not bad. People have been really kind and I think I'm less shy now! I'm very happy to be part of this fandom with lots of kind and supportive people and incredible fics and fanart <3

[preet-01]

Thank you @witchywitchy19 for tagging me!!

Who is your favourite driver?

It’s a tie between Daniel and Sebastian

Do you have any other favourite drivers?

Lewis, Charles, Max, Nico R, and Jenson

Who is your least favourite driver?

Nico Hulkenberg I guess would be at the bottom but it’s more like he’s there and I’m kinda indifferent about it

Do you pull for drivers or do you pull for team as well?

For the most part it’s the drivers. Teams at the end of the day are a business and make questionable decisions all the time

If you like the teams, what team do you pull for?

Ferrari — the history and absurdity/extravagance for everything they do really makes me love them. Like the dance number for the 1000 races was iconic and just so Ferrari.

I think about this often

Williams — again the history of the team and the underdog story they have going on about trying to return to their former glory after so many years at the back makes me want to root for them

How long have you been into F1?

The first race I watched was in 2011. There was a race playing on the tv at a restaurant and we’d watched parts of it. And since then it was something I was aware of but didn’t really follow. Though I did know of Lewis Hamilton and parts of his journey. It wasn’t until 2020 that I actually got into F1

What got you into F1?

I’d watched bits and pieces of races a few times and was knowledgeable about the basics of Lewis’ journey. However, tik tok edits in 2020 led to me watching Drive to Survive during lockdown. After that it was the lore and history that really made me interested

Do you enjoy fanfic/RPF?

I love to read fanfic and I have so many tabs open on my phone with different fics from all sorts of fandom. I really enjoy how creative people are with their fics. I also write my own fanfics that I hope people enjoy as much I enjoy them

How do you view new fans?

I think new fans are great! We were all new fans at one point

If you could take over as team principal for any team, who would it be and why?

VCARB because you get all the benefits of being a Red Bull team (the drinks, access to so many sports, etc) without the stress or pressure that is affiliated with the main team

Are your friends and family into F1?

If I have it on my family will watch with me. My brother has watched dts and is usually aware of the big things happening, but he doesn’t watch every race. And a few of my friends are into F1

Are you open to talking to other fans/friends?

Yes!!! I love talking about F1 and I love hearing other people talk about it

I am tagging @mac-reynolds @felicity-smoak-is-my-goddess and anyone else who wants to participate

[prince-liest]

Hello! Since I’m binge reading all of your Genshin fanfics I wanted to ask how would you describe your experience contributing to zines? I’m considering it and wanted to ask someone who’s done this before. Is the process fun? Stressful? Both? I’d assume writing with a deadline is not easy! When did you first start? Don’t spare details please, tell me everything about your experience! I have minimal knowledge on the topic

Hey, there! I'm glad you're enjoying my Genshin works!! And of course, I've been in about three fucktillion zines by now so I'd be happy to talk about what it's like! Long post under the cut:

Not all zines are the same but most of them follow approximately the same outline of expectations for you as a contributor, which is:

After you've applied and been accepted, you're sent an acceptance email with a link to the zine server.

You join the server, and after a few days for everyone to trickle in, the mods will post a spreadsheet or a google form where you can submit 2-3 pitches, aka. ideas of what you think you could write for the zine, which should be reasonably different from one another. The reason for having 2-3 is so that not everyone ends up writing the same thing. I prefer when zines give spreadsheets rather than google forms so that I can see what other writers are pitching and make sure I'm not submitting something samey. There will likely be guidelines for what you can pitch (limitations on characters, ships, rating, etc).

(Optional) Some zines do author/artist collabs, and this is usually the time period during which folks figure out if they'd like to collab, and if so, with whom.

After a week or so, you are told which of your pitches you will be writing for the zine.

Creation period! Now you write a fic based on your pitch, usually 2-3k words in length depending on the zine. There's usually 3-4 check-ins scattered throughout the several month period that you get to write during, when the mods basically want to see how far you've gotten to make sure you're making progress. Sometimes you have the option of asking for feedback, but often the writing mod isn't going to be doing that until your final piece is submitted.

At the end of the creation period, you submit your final piece, usually with some formatting stuff like "highlight every time you use italics so the formatting mod can see it." The writing mod will beta it, toss it back to you so you can accept edits, and then that will be the final version in the zine. Voila!

Everything after that is just you waiting for preorders and production. Other stuff that will probably happen at some point includes submitting a snippet for the graphics mod to make a little preview graphic of your piece, and reblogging/retweeting zine stuff during preorders to promote sales.

To answer your more specific questions:

I started in late 2020 when I applied to a Hawks-centric My Hero Academia zine at the same time that I was invited to a My Hero Academia and Harry Potter crossover zine, both of which were an amazing experience. I find that the deadline is really not a source of stress, because you get several months to write 2-3k words and each check-in is only asking for a little bit of progress. My first check-in, for example, is pretty much always just the outline. That said, I'm not really applying to zines anymore (unless something exactly up the alley of my current hyperfixation pops up, which at the time of writing would be a Hazbin Hotel or radiostatic zine, haha) for a few different reasons.

Firstly, I've legitimately been in four dozen zines. I've scratched the itch, haha.

Secondly, particularly in the Genshin Impact space, the zine craze caught on so aggressively that the average quality of zine mod teams declined pretty sharply. There are a number of zine mods that I really trust, and I've been in some phenomenally run zines, but I'm also just kind of tired of the physical production period of a zine taking a year or longer when I know it can be done in like three months. Not to mention the number of times people in the zine space have straight up absconded with money.

Thirdly and most importantly, the actual part of zine writing that I don't enjoy very much anymore is the limitations put on my writing. It's an inherent and understandable part of the process that a fic has to be within a specific word count and topic, but I also have just hit the point where I personally want to write whatever the hell I want without coming up with three separate fic concepts and hoping that the one I actually feel passionate about is chosen - not to mention I've actually ducked out of zines before when the mods were so nitpicky about what they wanted me to write that it felt less like I was a guest writer invited to create something of my own, and more like they were looking for a cheap way to basically custom commission writing from me. And I've also noticed that the pickier the mods are about my writing, the less I end up liking what I create. There's actually three zine fics, now, that I'm never going to publish because I just don't think they turned out very good, and they are all from zines where I felt my writing got micromanaged.

All of that said, I'm basically highlighting the small number of things I disliked out of, again, four dozen zines, so I really encourage you to go for it! A well-run zine is a blast to be a part of, and my favorites have always been ones where it is clearly a labor of love and genuine interest.

Here are some tips when choosing a zine to apply to:

Look at the mods and their pages, and look for mods that have completed zines in the past, but aren't currently part of 4+ incomplete projects. For mods, you want experience, but you don't want someone who's just jumping into every single project they see.

Every P4P zine I've been a part of has been fucking amazing so far. These only get made in certain fandoms, though (mostly danmei). I'm sure they're not all perfect (there's one I know that's a little sketchy), but I think the lack of promise of profit attracts people genuinely invested in the project itself rather than money or clout or whatever.

Pick a zine that you know you will enjoy writing about the subject of. Don't apply to something because you like the character it's about, but you don't actually really know what you'd write for it.

Make sure they have a reasonably large number of followers on Twitter and appealing graphics. This speaks to a couple of things: 1) how well the zine is likely to sell and 2) how well the social media and other mods actually know what they're doing in terms of promo. If a zine has less than several hundred followers and they want to put out a physical copy, I would personally hesitate, because there's a good chance they won't break even on sales. Especially in the Genshin Impact fandom specifically.

Hopefully that was helpful! If you have any more specific questions, feel free to throw them my way.

[lilflowerpot]

hello flower! i’ve never submitted an ask to tumblr before, but i just wanted to say this.

(btw, everything in this post is true. it’s kinda an unbelievable story)

i’ve been a fan of LB since it’s publish! i’m pretty sure i discovered it in mid 2018, so i’ve been here for a long time!

i’ve been following ur writing for years and watched you improve annually. i fell in love with your story and writing extremely quickly, and i always looked forward to your new chapters. i distinctly remember feeling ecstatic when keith finally revealed his face !!

however, in 2019, i suffered a catastrophic head injury whilst skiing, which caused me to lose most - if not all - my memories. in truth, i should of died or been in a coma, but i escaped with some critical injuries instead. a broken neck, fractured skull, broken eye socket, the whole shebang lol.

luckily, i was not paralyzed, and i can say now that my recovery has been well! i’m back to being fully functional (sometimes) except for a couple motor control issues.

but the real problem was my memory, i could remember my family and relationships, but i forgot practically every fundamental fact about myself, including my middle name. additionally, i suffered a lot from aphasia and neuro problems which made me struggle to understand sounds coming from people if that makes sense. to cure this, my mom and dad introduced me to (guess what!) voltron. they knew it was my fav show before the crash, so in a sense, they tried to reignite my memories and help work on my sensory processing ability.

i fell in love with the show - again- and watched it during my recovery. probably the only reason i can talk today is because of vld! i find it a little ironic that despite losing myself in the crash, i came full circle. and u can probably guess what happens next!

in 2021, i rediscovered ur fic whilst in the voltron tab. it kinda shocked me to see “Visited: 309” under the fic because i had no recollection of ever reading it. the person i was before must’ve loved it, so i gave it a shot! (btw, me before crash and me now i consider different ppl)

so, i began to read, every word from start to finish. and, as cheesy as it sounds, i think i fell in love again. my recovery has been endlessly difficult and was particularly rough 2020-2021, so this kinda supported me in a way. seeing the growing number of how many times i visited LB reminded me that i had existed the day before.

to give context, every morning i woke up, i would forget almost everything abt myself. eventually that got resolved, but it was jarring. so, seeing that number rise, and reliving the joy of reading LB for the first time gave me hope.

LB means so much to me for this reason. sometimes when it felt like i was losing my humanity to depression and pain, it reminded me that, out there, the previous versions of me were hoping to read LB again. in a sense, i was motivated to read the new chapters as an ode to my previous-day self if that makes sense.

now, 7 months after successfully waking up and remembering the previous day, i am writing this with tears in my eyes. i am writing this with a smile, and i’m writing this with the hope that it reminds you that your literature has saved me, and i’m sure countless other people.

in a way, i view LB as the sunrise. even though there’s the chance that tomorrow never comes, the sunrise serves as a reminder that the previous day existed, and that there are more sunrises to look forward to.

and, to be honest, i think that if i woke up forgetting everything everyday, id be okay with it because i get to read your fic for the first time - again. also, the humor in it is 10/10 haha!!

(also, if u were wondering or worried, i’m also okay with waking up with no memories do to other things and not just LB. incase u were worried that i’m strictly dependent on LB, which i’m not LMAO)

i would’ve submitted this a couple months ago, but i couldn’t put it into words. i don’t think i can possibly explain what you and your fic means to me, so the sun over the horizon will have to do.

even if you think that it’s cheesy that a goofy voltron fic means so much to someone, i hope you find it in yourself to treasure your talent and skill in writing.

i’m so excited for the next chapter, and the next sunrise i get to see <3

here is a pic of the sun i took this morning. thank you for writing, and reading this really long ask. there’s no pressure to respond, although it would be cool to see, but i hope you read this nonetheless. btw u can publish the response if u were wondering.

sincerely,

D <3

I have been trying quite desperately to compose an answer to this one since it first appeared in my inbox, and at this point I don't know that I'll ever be able to do you justice, but two months is far too long for you to have waited for something of this magnitude, so please bear with me while I endeavour to do my absolute best.

First and foremost, I am so sorry for everything you've been through (though I can only assume you've heard that sentiment ad nauseam, so do forgive me if you're sick of it), but more than that I am distinctly and unbelievably proud of the grace with which you seem to have taken such catastrophe in stride. I couldn't possibly claim comprehend the true scope of all that you've endured, but I hope in some small way it might give you,,, comfort? a sense of camaraderie maybe? to know that aphasia is something I'm intimately familiar with as a recurrent symptom of my migraines, due to them being hemiplegic in nature, so I know the frustration of being unable to comprehend sounds you know you should recognise- being unable to articulate your own thoughts- feeling half trapped inside your own damn skull- all too well, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, least of so sweet a soul as yourself.

My darling, I'll say again: I am //fiercely fucking proud// of you, for not only enduring but in truth overcoming all that you have. Though we do not know one another, this message alone bleeds with such admirable strength of character that I cannot think you anything less than a remarkable and resilient individual, and to know that my writing could in any capacity support you through such an ordeal is both an honour and a privilege.

All my love,

lilflowerpot ♡

[drsteggy]

🌻🧿💝

For the ask game

Thanks, sun. I’d say oh going for the jugular here but I believe that’s actually the carotid

🌻what makes you want to give up on writing? What makes you keep going?

I enjoy interacting with fandom because I want people to scream with. I want to give up when I spend a lot of time on a thing and I go hey check this out! And everyone is kinda eh and they go back to what they were doing. It’s so hard to get people to interact with written stuff.

I can spend hours making a cosplay thing, and when I post an image lots of people will comment on it. When I post a story I get a lot of crickets and it’s frustrating as fuck for me. I don’t think I’ve done a great job making connections among other writers, and I really don’t know what to do about it. Add this to the imposter syndrome they install at grad school and I then do a number on myself. You have no idea how many times I’ve been very close to just orphaning my AO3 account and vanishing.

What keeps me going? I still tell myself stories and I still play with things and I write it down and move it around. Sometimes it comes together. I try to think of it as more of an exercise so I can distance myself from needing outside validation, but being the oldest kid and considered gifted also installed some weird praise kink that only recently become aware of - I have a history of being frustrated at work when I don’t get recognized for doing things well (but every misstep gets magnified)

I’m a really competitive person. That isn’t bad by itself. But I do better when I have a thing where I can compete with myself- so, when I run I can compare myself to past metrics. When I compete in cosplay, I can look at other people in my division and do a pretty good job knowing where my skills will fall and learning what I need to practice. With writing…I have no idea what I’m doing well or badly or why something gets received the way it does since it feels like I release stuff into the void.

I do have a much healthier relationship to it than I did in 2020 but it’s a work in progress.

🧿 what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn’t do well, or if your writing/sharing experience isn’t going how you’d like it?

I don’t hawk my stats.

I have a really low bar about what “well” means. I write mostly in a personal AU and I write a lot of genfic. Neither of those get read the way popular pairings in popular versions of characters get read- it’s not typically what I read, either. So if I have a piece that gets a hundred hits, I’m thrilled. Almost everything I have has gotten there.

I also go review what has done well. There are a couple things that seem more popular than I thought they should be so I scratch my head about that. I chuckle over that one smut thing I wrote that gets hits every goddam day. I reread comments that really touched me. Like, I wrote a fic about a miscarriage and I have gotten some really touching feedback about it.

And I take breaks.

💝 what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

Actually, it would be that fic I just mentioned, The Risk of Love. It’s back story on my version of Zelda, so it’s set in an AU, and it’s told as a character thinks about an incident that happened long before the first fic….and it happens long after that fic. The topic is not for everyone. Like I wrote it because I felt I had to, and I loved how it came out but I was like no one is gonna read this and I don’t care.

And people read it. Someone read it fandom blind, and like….blind and fourteen levels down a rabbit hole AU and they still took time to say how it affected them, even though they did not get everything going on. I got messaged on Reddit about it.

Original post here

[corvus-corvus]

I like comparing my answers year to year, so here’s my 2024 fanfiction-writing thoughts! If you’re curious, here’s 2023’s answers, 2022’s answers, 2021’s answers, 2020’s answers, and 2019’s answers.

1. favorite fic you wrote this year Favorite fic of the year is tied between still and salting the wound. I tried to choose. I really did.

2. least favorite fic you wrote this year For least favorite fic of the year I have to choose show me now (what harvest brings), apologies to the LaviYuu fans (me). It’s hard for me not to look at this work extra critically since it is inspired by another fic that’s lived in my heart for so many years. I also feel uncertain about my characterization.

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

From salting the wound:

“I could never replace you,” Lea continues. The whistle begins to wail haltingly. “I just didn’t know where you went. I didn’t know what I had to do to follow you. I did everything you asked.” The kettle screams. Lea’s voice goes raw. “Everything. I killed for you. And you still—”

Gives me chills every time. Still, I’m happy to say there was some competition this year and that choosing a favorite line wasn’t instant.

4. total number of words you wrote this year 31,479 published words in 2024. As always, new unpublished words in a year are harder for me to track. I’m going to estimate somewhere around 17,630 words. Which is much less than it felt like. I wrote this answer then I found a draft with another new 26,270 unpublished words. Laugh at my failing memory. That changes the unpublished words in 2024 total to 43,900. That sounds much more correct.

9. longest wip of the year The longest ongoing work in progress is still over 17,000 words long. It’s the same one mentioned in other years. Shame me as you will.

10. shortest wip of the year 98 words of a new concept is my shortest draft from 2024.

13. favorite writing song/artist/album of this year Quiet. By nature itself.

14. a fic you didn’t expect to write she left me roses by the stairs was perhaps the fic I expected to write the least since I had to give a cuckolding prompt some real thought on what group of characters would fit that kink. Go, D.Gray-Man, go!

18. current number of wips I have 18 unfinished drafts at this moment. I am considering consigning 3 of them to the unpublished-but-I’m-giving-up archives. That’s still more than my usual this time of year. I suspect it’s because I got more works completed for events/prompts than just for the works’ sake (the kind that languish with no deadline); 5 out of 7 of my published works this year were for my Kinky Bingo card.

20. number of comments you haven’t read 0 comments go unread. Thank you for taking the time to read things I write and comment on them. It means more than you can know.

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t This question is harder for me to answer than it usually is. I think I would just like to get more of my drafts completed and published. Three works-in-progress in particular that have an extra emotional attachment to I did not get to substantially add to in this year. We’ll count them. They are all for Kingdom Hearts.

25. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read I read almost no fanfiction this year. What I did read was keeping up to date with friends’ writing and rereading fics I kept around for emotional support. In that spirit, I want to give a shout out to A Mirror, Darkly by @mirrormystic for influencing my life for several years now. I finally got that cork board, my friend who has no idea I exist. Only took me, what, five years? Thank you for writing this. Thank you for publishing it. It has been an anchor to me.

Final Notes I am trying to take the wins where I can get them. No, I did not publish many works I feel positively about, but I did publish a lot more than I had thought I could handle in 2024. I also kept up my more frequent writing habit even if it slowed from 2023; this alone is worth celebrating because just plain writing more has always been hard for me to budget the time for. Because it has impacted me so greatly, I want to note for my future self just how hard it has become to read my own writing this year. This made it extra difficult to continue drafts and to edit. Which sucked. I haven’t figured out what the issue is yet. Some suspects include redacted life issues, boredom/disinterest with some element(s) of my writing, active dislike with some element(s) of my writing, distance from fandoms, or not writing the things I’m interested in. I’ll go into the new year keeping an eye on these to see if I can tease out the source. And, finally, I give three cheers for almost three Kinky Bingos complete! The fifth entry of the 2024 batch is on its way, though it will not be published until 2025. I’m proud I’ve been able to add fourteen new sexy stories on the Internet! Let’s keep it up! (And send me an ask if you’d like to join me!)

50 Questions for Fic Readers

What fandom(s) do you read?

If you could request more of a certain type of fic, which would it be?

What is your favorite all-time fic?

Do you ever re-read fics? How about triple-read?

Do you prefer angst or fluff?

Do you prefer long fics or short fics?

Name some incomplete fics that you wish were completed.

Talk about the ships that you read.

Do you read smut?

What’s the most hard-core smut or kinky fic you’ve ever read (be honest)!

Do you read AUs?

List a few of your favorite AUs.

What type of AUs are your favorites? Give a general description.

What makes you give up on reading a fic?

What makes you pick up a fic, what makes it sound interesting?

Name a fic that made you cry (or that made you come close).

Name a fic that made you laugh a lot.

Do you have a fic recommendation page or master list?

How many fics do you think you’ve read before?

What’s the weirdest fic you’ve ever read? Describe it.

Do you read crack!fic?

Name a few of your favorite crack!fics.

Has fluff ever made you cry? What about angst?

What’s the longest fic you’ve ever read?

What’s your opinion on reading dubious consent or no consent?

Name a type of fic you’ll never ever read.

Name a type of fic that you wish there was more of.

Who are your favorite fanfiction author(s)?

When you find an author you like, do you follow them?

How often do you read fanfiction?

Do people know that you read fanfiction?

Do you leave reviews after reading fics? If so, what do they sound like?

When you read a good fic, do you go to the author’s page?

Name a common type of fic that you cannot stand.

Name all the Work in Progress fics that you are currently reading.

Has a fic ever left you unable to fall asleep or think about anything else?

Are you good about keeping up when reading Work in Progresses?

Name some of your favorite fic recommendations pages.

Name a fanfiction author that you’re scared to talk to because they’re so amazing.

Have you ever written fanfiction or considered it?

Name a fic that has a perfect ending.

Name a fic that you wish was longer.

Do you read OT3 fics commonly? Have you ever?

Do you mainly read TV shows, movies, or books?

Do you read fanfiction about Anime?

If you could imagine the perfect fic, what would it be like?

If you had to introduce someone to fanfiction with a few fics, which would you suggest?

Have you ever read a fic containing character death?

Do you have an AO3/Fanfiction.net/LiveJournal page? Link it.

What sites do you typically use to read on?