#thinking about how horrible Twitter is at responding to problems that people complain about when they make their app Worse like they always

[seilon]

say what you will about tumblr’s inside joke-based ad campaigns, but due to them being only understandable to such an insulated community rather than focusing on trying to make a profit from luring in/ pandering to new users and whatnot, they’re keeping the site comparatively safe from corporate and influencer takeover and showing pretty decently that they’re actually paying attention to their userbase, it’s culture, and it’s preferences

[lgbtracefaker]

For what it’s worth, I followed Len on Twitter/AO3 for kpop fandoms and I think “digital yellowface” is a reach. That Twitter screenshot you posted seems to associate diaspora with Asian-American, which is a false equivalence. Another screenshot mentions incorporating Chinese culture in her fics, but that doesn’t imply Chinese descent either. She did associate herself with West Asia/Middle East, but that doesn’t constitute yellowface (which refers to East/Southeast Asian identities).

Hello!

We had been aware of her using "Asia Minor" while in Kpop well before the post was written, and initially decided not to include it. We also thought it would have been a reach, to say that she had pretended to have been East Asian simply because of that definition, even if it was weird for her, after claiming for years to be an oppressed brown Maghrebi woman both on Twitter and on Tumblr, not to immediately respond that she was Riffian/Moroccan/Maghrebi and brown. She even had a CuriousCat account (the now-deleted @romiosini we used in the post) in which she would talk about nothing but the made-up stories of her life in the Maghreb and how constantly racist people had been to her once she arrived in France (she also neglected to mention that she was born a French citizen on Greek soil and her birth was registered at the French consulate, as she said in 2013 and 2015 when complaining about her name being French rather than Greek).

However, at the time we didn't know how far her bullying behavior and constant racefaking extended. We have received multiple messages and replies from people who said that they, too, thought that she was of East Asian descent, and some have even commented under our post:

While it may be true that Len never explicitly said she is Asian-American, she heavily implied it and made sure that people would not think of her otherwise, at least in that fandom.

It was also in the Kpop fandom that she used this clout to harass people and send death threats.

As of summer 2020, on her other now-deleted CuriousCat (@eightfigures, deleted because she is perfectly aware of just what a horrible picture it paints of her and how inconsistent the stories she would write there about her life were), she was bragging about having kicked a writer offline and often received anons congratulating her for having successfully combatted racism on her own. We were able to speak with the writer in question, who does not feel comfortable sharing their identity because of what Len put them through, but they confirmed that Len had spent 2 years (from 2018 to 2020) harassing them, sending death threats, and mocking their mental health problems, while softening her actions for her followers and excusing them as "a fight against racism". In truth, Len was just being Len; this writer had written a more popular fic than the ones Len was writing, and they stated that it was only after she vagueblogged about this fic's popularity that the writer was first harassed. This is, step by step, what happened in the TOG fandom: Len complained about bloggers being more popular than her, and little after they were attacked until they left the platform and/or the fandom. The author confirmed that they did write a thoughtless and racist tweet years before (nothing worse than Len's multiple rants about reverse racism and brown men being entitled, mind you) and had apologized profusely for it, something that Len has never done. Len went after them anyways, using the excuse of fighting racism, and made their life hell for two years.

In synthesis: Len didn't explicitly say that she was East Asian, but did everything in her power to heavily imply it for fandom points, including in the notes of her fic that she was writing them as a way to get closer to the culture of her ancestors. The pattern of behavior she exhibited in the TOG fandom (pretending to be the only real authority on characters because of lived experiences, ethnicity, or both, vagueblogging about people more popular than her, harassing them until they left, and trying to gain as much of a following as she could) is the same as what she did in Kpop.

[hilichurlrights]

PEOPLE MAKE /WHAT/ OF KLEE,,, now, personally, i don't ship kaeluc (i'm more familiar with the English translation) but that doesn't mean i would be mean to someone who does! i would, at most, go "yeah, it's not my cup of tea" and leave it at that! like, if you hate it, why interact with someone you KNOW likes it? people can have opinions other than yours (meaning the rude people's; you're fine). you don't need to respond, i'm just venting. they should spend their time elsewhere

Nah bro vent louder for the people in the back!! Legitimately if you google “genshin hentai” or similar (don’t google it word of warning) you’d find loli lewds in the first few dozen results.

And like, obviously that’s not okay at all, that’s a problem, but even if I decide it’s my problem what can I do about it? Harassing the creator won’t help. Doing anything that spreads the content won’t help. Complaining vaguely with no proof of what I’m complaining about won’t help. Nothing helps, except denouncing it at opportune moments, i.e. someone deliberately shares it with me or asks me my opinion. The more you fuel a fire, the more it burns.

And sometimes I’m wrong about things. We’re all wrong from time to time. As much as diehard anti-kaeluc people who harass everyone and their grandmother about what they ship don’t understand a character of Chinese, my English isn’t perfect, my French isn’t native, my Spanish isn’t entirely fluent. And even if I were a native speaker, plenty of English speakers miss nuance in their own language. I studied Latin for 7 years; mistranslating is half of translation. It’s what you do, it’s how you learn.

And at the end of the day, how much is a perceived wrong worth? I think making lewd art of Klee or other characters with the loli model is horrible, and I think “well she’s not human” (used for all 3 of the current lolis, probably more in the future) is a very transparent alternative to the classic pedo line “you’re more mature than your age”, but what am I going to get done about it? Not what am I going to do, but what can I change? Does harassing someone over it make me the bigger person, even if they are so, so wrong?

All we can do is curate our experiences. I follow some artists on Twitter, I block others, some I’ll like or retweet a post here and there but steer clear of the rest of their content. People can’t be perfect, but we can choose to see the sides of them we’d rather see. Why spend all my time on the internet looking for trouble when there are so many things I enjoy here?

It’s like that expression: knock on enough doors asking to see the devil, and eventually he’ll answer.

[whoson1st]

Are you in the official King Falls server at all? Just trying to get an idea of what's going on and who knows what's going on

Hoooooo BOISE.

So, long story short, yes. Yes I’m in the discord, yes I know what’s going on, and it’s all really, really stupid. I think that there were mistakes made on a lot of fronts, but I also think that the end result is, in a lot of ways, a long time coming.

I haven’t been responding to things I’ve seen on social media for the most part, and wasn’t REALLY keen to respond to this, but there’s also a lot of misinformation happening due to hurt feelings. There’s plenty of abridged accounts of what’s going on, and I’m pretty sure you know that. I’m taking this question on good faith that it’s genuinely asking and not setting me up to get torn down but...honestly, either way, I don’t care. I’m not on tumblr much these days anyway so it doesn’t really matter, and internet drama is just….it’s always dumb. But there’s a lot of “evidence” being put forth that is out of context or in bad faith, and the people who are being the loudest are a whole lot of the problem, so I’ll put in my account and opinions.

Anyway, I’m putting everything under a cut because it’s...a lot.

So first off, full disclosure, I used to be a mod on the discord. I left the team at the beginning of the year of my own volition because I’m an adult with a job and a life and things to take care of that aren’t that and needed a break. I’m still friends with all the current mods, and talk to them regularly, as well as being on good terms with the cast and creators. Just in case you’re dead set on hating any of them, you should know that. I try to keep a pretty good perspective, and I’m a little more removed than I was a few months ago, but I won’t say I’m totally free of bias either. If that’s what you’re into, just go ahead and skip this.

This all started with a piece of fan art, which honestly should be a clue as to how petty this all is. The fanart included The Dirt in a BDSM outfit as part of a larger work, and it was posted in the fanart section of the discord. It was bordering on NSFW, and the artist maybe should have asked the mods and/or put it behind a spoiler tag--which is probably as far as the mods would have gone had they been consulted, because it was 1) part of a larger thing and 2) canon compliant (it’s Jacob Williams, what do you want?). Neither of those things happened, people complained, the art was taken down. Then Kyle Brown, one of the writers, retweeted the copy that had been uploaded to twitter on his personal account--his account, not KFAM official--and someone complained that it made them uncomfortable and was not safe for work. Another cast member, Trent Shumway, replied that twitter isn’t a safe for work site, which it’s not. Which then led to both Kyle and Trent being socially crucified for not taking more care in what their followers see on their personal accounts on an open social media platform that is not dedicated to any single person or work.

It was already stupid. Really, really stupid. Especially since this is not a SFW podcast. It never has been. Everyone remember the third episode with Archie’s pomchies? And I know that certain aspects of that make people uncomfortable but if you are choosing to listen to the show regardless of that, it’s on you. An artist isn’t going to repaint something because you’re not a fan of green. And the SFW rule on the server has always been “within the guidelines of the show”.

So then, someone made this post that has since been deleted but I’m including mostly because if other people want to go ahead and pull receipts, I’m also going to.

Before I go ANY further with this, I want to say this: this person has been a problem for a LONG TIME. Months, at least, since before I left the mod team, and is honestly part of the reason being a mod became so difficult for me. They have displayed a pattern of abuse of the mods, the creators, and other members of the community on both twitter and tumblr, and have made people on the discord server uncomfortable enough that they either don’t participate or have left completely. This one person. And they have a bully squad behind them. And it sucks. But in the end, it was always decided that we couldn’t police what people did on their individual accounts or single someone out who hadn’t technically broken guidelines in the server, despite numerous complaints, because the mods and creators want to make everyone feel that they’re included. This decision was made...numerous times. After multiple incidents. For months.

I had my own issues with this decision, but that’s neither here nor there, and doesn’t really matter anymore. Because that post was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Kyle, misunderstanding the term, took it as a threat. Not hard to do, given the already heightened emotions, the tags, and this person’s history. So the person was immediately banned. The fact is, even without misunderstanding, that’s a really shitty post. That’s hating one a writer and a cast member and still wanting to pretend they have nothing to do with the THING THEY CREATE because this person doesn’t like what they said on twitter.

Following that, one of their friends--who had also been a longstanding problem--attempted to start a knockdown dragout in the general chat with one of the mods over this, and was upset when the mod in question first said they’d be happy to talk on DM but not on the server, and then ignored them when they repeatedly tried to carry on the argument.

Then they lit a candle in the channel the banned person had pitched a fit in order to form, as if the person was dead and not just a jerk. And then they made this post:

They also got banned, because OBVIOUSLY. Again, misunderstanding or not, that’s a horrible way to deal with it. You can’t possibly expect to call someone an illiterate fuckwad and still want to be included in spaces they created, much less EXPECT to be. 

And then several other people who were attempting the same nonsense publicly. And then invites were taken away when the mods got word that there was a possible plan in the works to spam the server. And there’s a weird campaign to EXPOSE THE CREATORS FOR THE ASSHOLES THEY ARE.

And that’s...about where things are at now. A lot of people are upset and hurt across the board. And it sucks.

Here’s the thing. Mistakes were made. Kyle misunderstood Death of the Author, and has a tendency toward knee-jerk, unedited reactions. The mods should have been more on top of the problem and not let it fester. There were ways that this could have been mitigated and done better. There always are.

But this was always going to happen in some fashion.

Podcasts and podcast communities are not new anymore, folks. But it still seems like people have a hard time grasping their actual level of involvement in the creation because of how active some creators are. You’re free to say whatever you want, but you are not free from consequence. And you’re not exempt from being wrong. This isn’t just a matter of the creators of KFAM--or any work, to be honest--not being able to take criticism, this is a matter of people thinking that their criticism is 100% correct 100% of the time, and the entitled attitude that comes with that. KFAM isn’t perfect, I have my own criticisms of it, because I have criticisms about basically everything under the sun, so it’s not just blind following. But it is trust in the creators and the people around them to find the best way to tell their story, to the see their problems and strive for better. And we’ve literally seen that happen in KFAM, in changes made to Walt, in Emily’s storyline, in Lily’s...everything. In the addition of “guys, gals, and non-binary pals”. They’re trying. They’re not perfect, but they’re not deaf. They’re also not obligated or beholden to everything their audience says regarding their story.

The whole argument that they can’t take criticism is undercut when it’s being made by people who think that everything they say should be taken as gospel, and treat every instance where someone disagrees with them as a personal attack. The scope of hypocrisy here is just...breathtaking.

Also, when not withstanding some nonsense attacks, they’re all genuinely kind and friendly. I already admitted some bias here, but seriously, they go out of their way to check on people and respond to people and lift people up. It’s total horse dookie to act like they don’t care about their fans.

And as for the discord--god, just get a life. The mods there work SO HARD to make everyone feel included, to encourage participation, the create a positive environment for people to talk about the things they love and make friends. They have meetings and spreadsheets and calendars and work together as a team and with Kyle to keep the place working smoothly even though there’s FIVE of them running a HUGE server. The person who was initially banned was forever complaining about the discord and how the mods ran it, even while some suggestions they had were implemented. But that discord has like 1500 people in it, gang, it’s not about what one person wants all the time. And that person has their own server anyway so just go be unhappy there and leave everyone else alone. It’s what you were doing anyway.

TL;DR: There was a lot of manufactured outrage over something incredibly dumb, and some misunderstandings, and resulted in actions that had been looming for a long time and just finally popped off. Kyle and the mods aren’t perfect, but they aren’t the villains. The people who were banned have a history of negativity and bullying that led to the decision to remove them.

If anyone takes anything from this, please let it be that it’s a GODDAMN PODCAST. If it makes you angry, if you don’t like it, go watch a movie. Eat a snack. Knit a sweater. Take a nap. Listen to a new music album. Literally anything. There’s so many things to do in this life that aren’t LOOKING for things to be upset about.

Remember the golden rule, and don’t be a dick.

[bxoken-heartss]

Put a Little Love On Me: C.V Part 2

(Y/N): Your name

(Y/E/C): Your Eye Color

(Y/L/N): Your Last Name

' ' ': Switch of scenes

~ ~ ~ : Line by Line Lyrics scenario ending.

// //: Lyrics

Warnings: Mentions of self harm, drinking mentions etc etc

Pairings: Christopher Velez x Reader

Words: 5600 +

Part 1: HERE.

A/N: I know it’s been LIKE 7 years approximately since i typed down the first part. But, I’ve had online classes and crappy assignments..But! HERE IT IS! And once again...I’m SORRY! But I hope you ENJOY! :)

Honorable Mentions: @wwecncowhydontwetrash @calypsocnco​ @cnco-hoenesty​ @papichriscnco​ @richardscurls​ @h-bea92​ @zabdielmuch​

//We wrote and we wrote till there were no more words

We laughed and we cried until we saw our worsts//

Chris sat down in front of his desk in his room, his heart heavy and burdened, yet a weird sort of  emptiness filling his heart. He spoke nothing as he heard his heart slowly beating..each beat filled with an aura of pain at an in-rhythmically ugly pace.

He felt horrible...He just wanted to escape from this ugly unwanted reality..Writing music was his way of temporary escape from reality..a temporary refuge when things went downhill..

After a heavy workout and a hot relaxing shower, he sat down to write something onto his journal..

He carelessly opened the journal, flipping through the pages slowly as he reached a fresh new page, a fountain pen in his hand as he sat and thought about what he could write about to relieve or rather ease the stress and anxiety building up in him..

He wanted to write something..he really wanted to..but a wave of hopelessness washed over him as he had written a few "Love" related lyrics..

They sounded fake...forced..ingenuity lacing its lyrics..He tried again..but he just couldn't...for she was the only thing that bounced back into his mind..

She was the melody...the inspiration behind all his lyrics..but she wasn't his anymore..

The thought of her in between someone's arms..her new man kissing her..holding her close to him..

The thought of her being happier with someone else who wasn't him hurted him more than he could admit..but a part of him also happy now at least someone would treat her the way she deserved to be treated..

Christopher tried to clear his head..No! He didn't need her! He could obviously move on the way she did..She moved on..rather too quickly..at least that's what the media and all the tabloids said...

He began to write again but there were just no more words to write.. Just mere emptiness and silence fills the air..

The page was empty and dull just like his heart..

                                              ~ ~ ~

Y/N couldn't pinpoint on a single moment where she was the happiest with Chris..Every single moment gave her weird yet such long lasting memories.

"GUYS I'M BORED!" Y/N yells as she walks into the boys' studio

"Hi bored...I'm Erick! Nice to meet you! How are you doing today?" Erick asks beaming at her

"Ha ha ha! Very funny pretty eyes..." Y/N replies as she rolls her eyes and claps her hands sarcastically

"Oh come on! That was a good one! Right guys??" Erick asks as he hopefully looks at the boys

"I'm not going to respond to that." Richard comments as he lazily lays on the couch

"Are you done with recording for today?" Joel asks as he sits next to her slinging an arm around her missing the look of jealousy that had stayed hidden inside Christopher's brown orbs

"Yeah...Had a quick meet and greet and did a bit of recording! I'm done for the day! What about you guys?"

"Recording is still left...and we'll probably have a quick Twitter session or something..probably" Joel comments as he looks at her

"So none of you are free??" Y/N asks

"Shawty...as much as I'd love to spend the day I've still got parts to record!" Richard says

"I'm done for the day!" Zabdiel says as he suppresses a yawn

"Zab...Come with me we can go and have fun!!" Y/N pleaded

"Nope mi amor... I'm going to sleep." Zabdiel says as he lays down on the couch

"Chris! Ah! My favorite boy! My darling!" Y/N says as her eyes brighten up

"Hola Hermosa..." Chris comments as he sits next to her

"Chris honey...come on let's have a day out together!" She says

"Couldn't resist me even for a day huh nena?" Chris asks, obviously flirting

"Of course..I couldn't resist your face.. You are so insanely good looking..how could I?" Y/N replies, flirting back ignoring the way how quick her heart thumped against her chest

Y/N began talking to him about the most random things and every time she did Chris interrupted her...He knew it always made her pissed..It was something he always did...but he couldn't resist! She was absolutely ADORABLE when she got mad..

"And then I --" Y/N begins as Chris cracks another uncalled joke in Spanish as Erick laughs to it as he engages in a conversation with Joel.

"CHRISTOPHER BRYANT VÈLEZ I SWEAR TO GOD THAT I WILL CHOKE YOU UNTIL YOU DIE IN MY HANDS!" Y/N yells

"I'd rather be choking you Mami.." Chris replies as he smirks at her as her face flushes into a dark shade of pink

"Gawd..Can't y'all just date already? There's so much sexual tension between you two...Like get laid already and date!" Richard comments rolling his eyes, Erick furiously nodding

"Well..Err..." Chris begins as he nervously laughs

"YASHEL shut up before I kill you!" Y/N warns

"He's got a point...I mean you guys flirt so often that we'd feel weird if you both didn't date.." Joel says

"No! Joel not you too!! Zab...Your friends are being mean to me!!" Y/N complains

"Too late.. he's already asleep.." Joel says as she looks at a sleeping Zabdiel

"You guys are just being dumb.." Y/N comments

"We're being honest..you label it as dumb.." Erick counters earning a eyeroll from Y/N

"Whatever guys...Chris! Are you free? Please tell me you are!" Y/N asks

"Well...My recording for the day is done so I guess?" Chris answers

"Please...let's just go somewhere! I'm so tired of merely sitting around in my studio for hours...a small break would be good right?!" Y/N asks him hopefully

"Yeah I guess.." Chris replies as he rubs his neck awkwardly

"Are you sure you wanna go? You seem dis- interested..." She asks him

"No no... Absolutely not Hermosa.. I'm absolutely ready..Just let me get a hoodie and some shades and inform Ali about it then I'll be all good to go!" Chris comments as he walks away

"So did you finally manage to get him go on a date with you?" Joel asks as he  looks at before heading towards the recording room

"Joel we are just hanging out cause he was free...nothing more nothing less." She replies rolling her eyes

"Okay I was just inquiring.." he says exiting the situation

"Oh...you mean one out of your many dates!" Erick says as his eyes gleam with adoration

"Could you just shut up for once Erick?! I told you we're - -" She begins

"Yeah, just friends...I get it..When are you going to realize that you just perfect for each other and just- -" Erick begins as Chris enters the room

"I'm ready Hermosa...Can we leave?" Chris asks interrupting Erick

"Okay sure..If my best friend wakes up by any chance and ever questions about my existence, just inform him that I had gone out with Chris.." Y/N tells Erick as she walks over to Chris

"Will do! Now go already and enjoy the day!" Erick replies as he pushes her onto Chris' arms

They exited the studio as paparazzis surrounded them, their security quickly making way for them as they quickly slid into her car.

"Where do you want to go Miss. (Y/L/N) ?" Y/N's driver, Henry asks (change his name if you don't like the name)

"Well to that less crowded carnival round the corner...And ask the others to stay away..We are heavily disguised so it won't be much of a problem." Y/N comments

"Are you sure Ma'am..I've been given strict - -" he begins

"I'll take the blame in case anything goes wrong trust me!" Y/N reassures as she put on a heavy coat to cover her disguise as Chris helped her with it.

"Thanks Chris..." Y/N says as she shoots him a grateful smile

"Of course Mi Amol..." Chris comments as he returns the gesture.

                                                 ' ' '

"Aren't you excited CHRIS?!?" Y/N asks as she looks at Chris whose eyes beam with happiness

"OF COURSE!!!" Chris yells excited as he looks at her excitedly

"Then let's g- -" She says but interrupted halfway as Chris grabs her arm and pulls her into the crowd

                                                 ' ' '

Time had gone so quick that Y/N almost thought her eyes were playing tricks with her when she saw the sun setting.

They had almost finished off all the attractions in the carnival..All the while Chris was just busy taking numerous pictures and videos of her, her giggling and laughing all the while.

"Hermosa...Look at that! I want that!!" He says as he points at a huge teddy bear in a stall.

"Aren't all these enough?" Y/N as she points at the bag of goodies and all those little toys Chris had gotten

"Nope...just one more...besides who doesn't like teddy bears?" He asks

"True but are you sure you want- " Y/N begins

"Hello? Yes...Yeah three soft balls? Cool enough!" Chris speaks as the person on the stall hands him over three soft balls

All he had to do was aim and get the soft ball into the basket that was next to teddy bear.

"Now watch me Hermosa..How I get that teddy in one throw!" Chris flaunts as he begins to aim for it. "But wait..Before that, I think you should kiss my knuckles.." He says finishing off

"And why's that necessary Chris?" Y/N asks her tone filled with sass

"Err..You know...for good luck! You technically just make people around you happy...so I figured that you would have some sort of good luck within you..So I thou- -" He begins

"I understand Chris...You don't need to explain..I was just messing with ya!" Y/N interrupts him as she holds his knuckles and presses a kiss onto his knuckles eliciting a soft blush from Christopher.

She quickly ignored the way her cheeks heated up as she gives him a shy smile, Chris slowly returning her the gesture.

"Go on Chris...try again..Let's hope it works!" Y/N comments as she looks at him

"Yeah okay!" Chris says, the soft ball falling inside a basket that stood next to a stuffed elephant.

"LOOK CHRIS! Elephants are cool too!" Y/N beams at him

"So boy do you want this or do you want to try again?" The stall keeper asks him

"Another try please.." Chris answers disappointed

"Chris you don't need to win the teddy bear specifically..it's  -" She begins

"Just wait Hermosa...This time I'll get it in!" Chris says as he held the last soft ball.

Y/N holds Chris' knuckles as she pressed a soft kiss onto them, Chris' knuckles still laying lovingly in her palms. Chris smiles to himself softly not wanting to retreat his knuckles from her touch

"Err..Chris?" She says, gaining his attention.

"Yeah sorry! I was- -" Chris begins

"Come on Velèz! I know you can do this!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!" Y/N cheered

Chris nodded his eyes gleaming with determination...He took a few breathes and threw the ball again and bam! It went inside the basket next to the teddy bear he had wanted.

"YESSS!! YOU GOT THAT IN!! CONGRATULATIONS CHRIS!!" Y/N cheers as she hugs him, as he wrapped his arms around her and enjoyed her embrace.

The stall keeper handed the teddy bear to Chris who instantly took it after thanking him.

"I wouldn't have won it without your good luck.." Chris comments

"Nonsense! Your aim was perfect! That's why you got it!" Y/N replies smiling at him

Chris took a hold of the other things in Y/N's hands as he handed her the teddy bear.

"It's yours now.." He says as he looks at her

"But you won it...and you wanted it!" Y/N replies

"No..I knew how much you loved teddy bears and considering the fact that you were my good luck charm..I think you deserve this" Chris says

Y/N blushed softly..He paid attention to every little thing accidentally slipped out of her mouth.

How she wished you had the guts to tell him how she really felt. She stood on her toes as she pressed a kiss on his cheeks.

"Thank you.." She whispers as Chris looks away blushing as he nodded slowly

                                           ~ ~ ~

Every little moment with Christopher was filled laughter and joy..Barely was there were moments she had seen Christopher wasn't happy...That night was probably the first time she had seen him..sad and broken..

It had happened on unfortunate midnight...Y/N had a sleepover with Zabdiel and the rest of the boys at their place after a very tiresome movie night..Everyone retired to their rooms at midnight as it had started off from 10 in the morning that previous day...

Y/N had obviously chose to share a bed with Zabdiel because the guest room was too messy and she was downright exhausted to clean it up...And Zabdiel had always loved cuddling onto her tiny petite figure ever since they had sleepovers from back when they were friends..

She had woken up the 2:00 a.m or so as she felt thirsty. She sat up, carefully removing Zabdiel's arms off her as she practically forced her drowsy self off her bed as she sleepily walked outside the room and towards the kitchen. She grabbed a glass of water and drowned it down her throat quickly quenching her thirst...

She walked upstairs and was about to enter Zabdiel's room when she saw dim lights flashing inside Christopher's room, beams of light radiating from the half closed door. She raised her eyebrows and walked towards his room.

'Was he that exhausted that he didn't have that much of the energy to switch off his bedroom light?' She thought as she slowly enters his room without causing any noises.

She looked around the room but Christopher wasn't on his bed...His bed was neatly folded and didn't seem crumbled at all...Hadn't he slept at all? She looked around and was about to call out his name when she hears muffled yet heavy sobs.

She looked around the room again as worry cascaded her face..She heard the sobs again as she walked towards the source...The sobs growing comparatively louder each time she took a step closer in a quiet pace.

She slowly opened the bathroom door as her eyes widens in shock as a teary eyed Christopher stood in front of the mirror..Her eyes scanned him as she noticed a blade in his hand, her eyes widening in shock as he reflects the same and tries to hide the blade.

She angrily storms upto him as she looks at him with pure hate..She picks up the blade and throws it out the window from the window located inside the tiny bathroom..She then walks upto him as she grabs both his arms, inspecting it. A soft scar was imprinted on his arm.

"I'm- -" Christopher begins

"JUST WHY? WHY CHRIS??" She asks, her tone filled with hate and pain at the same time as she quickly patched up the scar

"It's nothing.." He trails off as he looks away

"Well it has to be something CONSIDERING the fact that you were try to kill yourself!!" Y/N yells

"Please...JUST..Just leave! I don't want you to see- -" Chris says trailing off

"Why...Just why would you do this Chris?" Y/N asks, her eyes brimming with tears

"Why would you care?"  He asks her as he looks at her, his chocolate brown orbs instantly losing all the warmth it had ever possessed.

"CHRIS! Why wouldn't I- - I obviously do! Chris- -why would you ever - -" She begins

"I can't take this anymore...It's hard and sad..being HATED by millions..Feeling unwanted... talent-less..undeserving.." Chris interrupts her halfway as he looks down

"Says who Chris?" Y/N questions

"Who doesn't? Everyone hates me..I- -I can't do anything right..No one's there when I honestly need them..I don't blame them too considering how much I mean to them. So I just thought if no one liked me for who I was..why live?  It won't make a huge difference whether I lived or no- -" Chris begins as a harsh slap interrupts him

Christopher's eyes widen in shock as he lifts his hand covering his cheek as it stung in harshness and pain.

She looked at him, her cheeks flushed with sad and angry tears as she glared at Christopher

"How- -How could you?!? Do you even REALIZE what would have happened if you..." She begins but gets interrupted by her tears and her shortened breaths

"I'd never forgive myself Chris! I love you too much! How could you even think about this?!?"She finishes off

Christopher's eyes widened as those words processed in his head but cut short when she pulls him into a hug. His tears fell softly as he shivered slightly

"I'm scared...Please..help me..Just don't leave.." Chris stutters

Y/N said nothing but held his cheeks with her hands and pressed a passionate kiss on his forehead and the cheek where she had slapped him.

A simple gesture...which meant something to both of them deep down inside...yet they thought the other didn't feel the same and pushed it into the back of their heads.

"I'm right here Chris...I'm not going anywhere..I'll always be there for you.." She says as he listens to her beating heart.

                                                   ~ ~ ~

//Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are?

Is it wrong that I still don't know my heart//

"C- - CCa- -a- -n I h- -have ano- -ther o- -on - one lad?" Y/N asks, her eyes glossy as she slurs off

"Miss...you've already had an unhealthy dosage of - -" The bartender begins

"I'M A LEGAL ADULT! I'M PAYING YOU FOR THE DRINKS! WHAT'S YOUR FXCKING PROBLEM?!?"  She screams at him as she interrupts him

"But Miss..." He begins

"I SAID GET ME ANOTHER ONE!" She shouts over the blaring music

The bartender reluctantly poured out another drink onto her now empty glass...

Y/N looked around as the place blasted off with various songs she could barely recognize. She glared at everyone and everything as she smoothly half emptied the glass of drink.

She gazed around the room to find couples dancing..couple talking..couples kissing.. and making out in their drunk state, but they had one thing in common..They were all happily in love..

She cringed at the word love..she was absolutely disgusted with the feeling.. She absolutely hated it...But deep down inside...she knew she was lying..somewhere down there..

But a part of her sad..and selfish..Why couldn't she have a happy life? Why was it always her that suffered? What had she done to deserve something like this? Why did it have to be her?

She laid her head down in the wooden table in front of her..She softly wiped away the mindless tears that had managed to slip through her eyes, her sobs as soft as mere whispers..

What sort of a therapy was this? Drinking away so as to ease the pain? She knew how unhealthy this was..but yet here she was..doing the same..

Everyone likes things that aren't good for them..or wish for things they could have..

Finding a coping mechanism trying to escape the painfully true reality...Her thoughts wandered around freely and yet again..it all returned to that one person...Christopher...

Was it wrong that somewhere in her heart she still secretly yearned for his presence next to her??

He must have probably moved on...Enjoying his life with those one night stands and hookups..or maybe even better..a steady girlfriend capable of making him feel loved and deserved...just the way like she used to make him feel once upon a time..

She felt her heart beating..Was it even alive after the amount of unspoken pain she was going through? Was it even hers in the first place? The beats were soulless and un-melodious.. What was happening to her heart? Where was the beauty and happiness in it?

Was it wrong she didn't want to move on and put aside her never seeming to disappear feelings apart and grow up?

                                                ~ ~ ~

//Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go

Are your tears falling down when the lights are low?

Another Friday night tryna put on a show

Do you hate the weekend cause nobody's calling?//

She found herself heading towards her closet as she threw on a fancy t-shirt and a pair of denim jeans as she stopped herself midway..

Weekend nights were always date nights with him...Despite however busy they turned out...they'd manage to spend quality time together..at weird yet wonderful places..

'Y/N get a bloody grip of yourself!'  She mentally warned herself.

She changed back into her pajamas as she sat on her bed, her frame leaning towards the headboard of the bedroom.

Her work for the day was done...She had informed her manager, Charles that she was absolutely exhausted and couldn't manage working any longer that day..

She was tired...absolutely tired mentally..Bottling up her feelings were hard..

Zabdiel had come over to her place every single day and texted her every single hour of the day he could to help her...Just so she could talk it out..

But she just didn't talk anything..She talked about daily routines and anything and everything apart from Chris.

Usually after any break up she had, she would talk things out and cry it out to Zabdiel and he'd console her. But this time...she just couldn't and didn't want to be consoled..as if she wanted to keep cry and keep hurting herself..because deep down inside she still wants him beside her.

But what was she supposed to talk about when she herself didn't know how she felt? How could she explain him a feeling she herself couldn't understand?

She hates crying..Hated crying around anyone..So when the day changes into night and when the world or the city was asleep...she used it as an opportunity to let down her guard down and let the tears fall down freely...

She cried and cried till her heart ached with the familiar hidden pain striking hard with every real tear that slipped down her cheeks.

Weekends were always associated with beautiful memories ever since Chris had been a part of her life..now all that filled her weekends were just tiresome, painful tears and put down her daily facade.

                                           ~ ~ ~

//I've still got so much love hidden beneath this skin//

Oh how she hates feeling like this.. But the heart want what it wants.. and that was the feeling of being whole again..and no one was capable of doing so apart from..him...no matter how much ever she tried to deny it..

//Will someone put a little love on me

Put a little love on me//

She felt miserable...Absolutely annoyed, frustrated, stressed and all the negative emotions she had ever experienced in her lifetime washes all over her..all it once..the pain intensifying as every little wasted, endless, lifeless tear washes down her cheeks for the millionth time in the same minute..as she aggressively wipes them off, her cheeks burning and her arms sore from wiping away the still falling tears

Her sobs suppressed yet her heart screamed and ached in pain which mere words could never explain..

//When the lights come up and there's no shadows dancing

I look around as my heart is collapsing

'Cause you're the only one I need

To put a little love on me//

Drinking so as to forget..more like to ease the pain..wasn't a solution. Y/N came home drunk at irregular times mostly drunk at the dawn of every morning. An extremely unhealthy coping mechanism but that was her escape from the real world...

She needed to get back to get back to work..so she tried to relax and calm herself down...she couldn't crawl into a corner and mop about someone who never loved her in the first place..

Taking early morning walks, calm and relaxing music blasting in both her ears as she jogged around a very less crowded park with some shades and a hoodie to mask her identity seemed like a temporary refuge..

She sat down on the bench after 5-6 rounds of her quick walks.

She wiped off her sweat with a towel she had carried in her mini bag as she quickly emptied a bottle of water down her throat.

She leaned behind as she lazily stared at the people who walked by... And all she could see was couples..Old age married happy couples...Middle aged couples with their children.. Just couples in general!

Was it Valentine's Day already? or was she seeing what her heart truly yearned for as she had pictured Chris and her holding hands and walking together...whilst they were dating.

The times they spent together were too good and precious to be forgotten.

Her heart felt like she couldn't take it any longer..she felt her heart shattering slowly but heavily..She bit her lip softly suppressing her pain for the millionth time in the past two months.

The insecurity and longing for him hitting her harder every single time.

                                                ~ ~ ~

//Last night I lay awake

Stuck on the things we say

And when I close my eyes the first

thing I hear you say is

Put a little love on me

Put a little love//

Falling asleep was almost impossible.. He was already a soft sleeper so he most definitely wouldn't be able to sleep with a heavy head and an empty heart.

Christopher changed into some comfortable outfit as he came out the bathroom freshened up...

He turned off the lights..all apart from the lamp that stood on the night stand. Christopher laid down as he draped the blanket around himself, as he forcefully shut his eyes to gain some well deserved sleep.

But how could he when he was in so much pain he himself couldn't understand the reason for?

His eyes snapped open as he laid down in his bed..he stared at the blank ceiling..

He felt so deprived...Deprived in all ways..physically, mentally and emotionally..He was always frustrated, annoyed and always snappy.

He never intended to damage or yell at everyone but...he was just confused and didn't understand what in the bloody world was he feeling?!?

His heart and mind still was stuck on her...and everything she said...And in a flash he remembers all the beautiful memories she and him had shared together...

"Nena smile!" Chris screams as he clicks another Polaroid as she lets out a surprised yell

"Chris..I wasn't ready!" She pouts sadly

"But mi Amol...You always look beautiful..." Chris says as he wraps his arms around her waist

"Chris you are so cheesy!!" She giggles as he picks her up kissing her nose

"But you love me right?" Chris asks laughing

"Of course you dork!" She says as he kisses her

                                         ~ ~ ~

//When the lights come up we're the

only ones dancing//

Y/N absolutely loved dancing.. She'd use any opportunity she could get, she'd drag one of the boys and dance along with them.

Any random song would play and she'd start dancing slowly..urging one of the boys to join...

Richard would volunteer to but Christopher would instantly rush upto her and awkwardly dance next to her.

Her face would instantly brighten up and they'd dance until their feets would give in...They even had an adorable "couple-ish" dance they had devised together.

After they began dating they had begun this sort of unspoken tradition i.e whenever one of them felt sad and didn't want to talk about it..the other would play soft, calm and a sad melody and slowly walk up to the other person and softly begin dancing with them...

"You ready to talk now honey?" Y/N asks as he comfortably rests his head on the crook of her neck as they moved together in sync

"No..not yet..I..I..I jus- -" He begins

"I understand..." She replies interrupting him as his arms wrap securely around her waist "I'm here for you.." She breathes out, Chris's heart clenching at her reassurance as they slowly danced in the silence

Even whether the days were the best or the worst...whether they were the last two people in the world..whether the world hated them..at the end of the day what only mattered was that nothing or no one could change the fact that they were immensely in love with each other, completed each other, accepted and understood each others' flaws and loving them even more...

                                               ~ ~ ~

//I look around and you're standing there asking...//

Chris has had enough! Enough of this endless denial. Enough of being in this confused traumatic state he was undergoing right now.

He just couldn't do this anymore..He just likes her so damn much. Her absence was almost driving him insane. As if, he can't live without her.

He misses sleeping and cuddling along with her..his strong arms wrapping around her petite figure as their breathing synced...

The stolen kisses before any stage performances, random make outs in the middle of nowhere, passionate kisses and just soft pecks..Christopher cherished and wished for all of it back again..all only from her..and her alone...no one else apart from her!

He just wants her beside him..right now..tomorrow and just..forever. He was tired..tired of wasting tears and the unexplained heaviness and yet ironically empty feeling in his heart.

For the first time...He admits. He admits that it was him who was wrong in this relationship.

Admits it was his fault he didn't make her stay. Admits that he was just scared to lose her because she was too precious, amazing and only deserved the best..and he just felt..he wasn't good enough for her.

What if he was good enough for her all the while long? What if he was oblivious to the fact that maybe somewhere after all...Maybe all this while all she wanted was him?

He lied. He lied that he didn't care and it didn't tear him apart to see or rather just merely imagine her in someone's arms...Someone who wasn't him..

Nobody...no one else could compare to how he felt around her..He could never feel whole again without her by his side...his Y/N...She was his all the time..it sounded cheesy and haywire cringy but he didn't care cause that was all he needed was her...

Because at the end of the day he LOVED her...His eyes almost widened at his own shocking confession.

He never thought he'd ever be capable of feeling..not a romanticized sort of feeling...He never thought he could love someone like this..

His eyes swelled up with tears..yet again..for the first time today..honest and non stop tears.

Christopher choked on his own tears as they carelessly fell down as if endless..the ache in his heart worsening with every harsh sob..only this time..they weren't suppressed. He let it out...all of it out..he couldn't bottle up his pain any second longer!

She wasn't coming back...She just wasn't...and there was nothing he could do about it...no tears could bring her back...she was just gone.

"Chris..." he heard a voice barely above a whisper

God...he was going insane...second by second...He was hallucinating. He could almost hear her melodious voice..the way his name slipped out of her tongue..But why couldn't he believe it? Maybe because it wasn't practical enough..something so artificial yet felt real at the same time.

His vision was blurry as he let out painful tears as his breath shorten with every harsh sob...

And all of a sudden, he feels something physical...rather someone hugging him...

"Erick...not now...please leave.." He says, his tone desperate.

"It's not Erick..Wonder Boy..it's me.." the presence replies

Christopher's eyes widened. No one ever called him that except..

He instantly opens his eyes..Brown orbs met (y/e/c). The same orbs he had fallen in love with.. rather the same ones he was still in love with..

"Y/N- -?" Chris asks stuttering in disbelief

Y/N looks at him as her lips curl into a sad grin which was a mixture of all the sadness within her, Her face bearing a heavy, sad emotion...so vulnerable and broken yet she tries to stay strong

"Yes...I know you don't- -" Y/N begins but interrupted as Chris crushed her into a bone breaking hug

"I'm- -I'm sorry babygirl..I really am... It's all my fault...I can afford to live with the fact that I'd never ever sleep with you like that...or not being able to kiss you whenever I need you..but I just need you in my life..as a friend at least...I need you in my life somehow!"  Chris stutters as tears fall down

"Chris... I'm sorry too.. It's- -" She begins as Christopher silences her clinging onto her

They didn't need words...nor any sort of explanation or apologies..They sob quietly in each others arms.. but this time the tears are happy. Just each others' mere presence was all they needed.

"J- -just don't- -Just don't leave me..please...Y/N..." He sobbed as he held her close afraid that if he let her go once more.. she'd disappear forever from his life..

He still had so much love hidden beneath him...and he wanted to shower all of it onto her..and her only.

After a while of mere sobs filling the air she pulls away slowly from the hug as she gazed into his eyes, him mirroring her actions. His eyes held so much love within it...and it was all for her..

"You're the only one I need.." Chris says, never looking away from her beautiful orbs

"Put a little love on me"  She replies

"You're the only one I need.." Chris says again, his tone certain yet shattered

"So put your love on..me" She breathes out as she places her lips on his with nothing but her undying love and passion she forever held for him.

[dvp95]

can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve - chapter 6

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: e (eventually)

warnings: none

tags: alternate universe, slow burn, fluff & humour, tiny bit of inner turmoil wrt sexuality but trust me it’s not that deep, eventual smut, idiots in love

word count: 4,036 for this chapter (25,168 total)

summary: Dan keeps making a fool of himself in interviews, to the point where it’s basically a meme. Now he’s got to sit down for the better part of an hour and sell his show to the YouTuber he’d had a massive crush on when he was a teenager.

read from the beginning on ao3 or on tumblr!

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

Dan has been wearing a line into the carpet of his hotel room, pacing back and forth for what feels like hours. He's muttering to himself, tugging at his hair whenever he gets especially worked up, and only spares a moment to consider what a weird image he makes for anyone who might come in.

"I'm gay," he says out loud, over and over, trying desperately to make it sound like it belongs there.

He rewatches Phil's coming out video a few times to remind himself how easy and happy Phil made it sound, but he can't seem to recreate that energy alone in his room.

No matter how many times Dan says it, the word 'gay' still makes his heart race and his gut clench like he's gone over the drop of a rollercoaster. His pulse pounds in his ears when he imagines saying it to another person, someone he cares about, someone who might hate him for it.

It's just a word. It's just a word, and it's basically who he is. It shouldn't be this hard to say.

His phone goes off with a Twitter notification, but he can't handle that right now. He turns his phone off without reading the message from Phil and keeps pacing.

--

"How did you deal with this for like twenty years?" Jaime complains, watching the rain fall almost horizontally outside the window.

"I didn't live here," says Dan. He steals some of her chips while she isn't looking.

"London wasn't much better."

They're holed up in one of the numerous tiny pubs in Dublin while they wait for Patrick to finish a solo interview and photoshoot. Dan likes it here, liked it in Edinburgh too, but he's been more or less working on autopilot. His mind is in a dog park in Soho, where Phil has been sending pictures from all afternoon. Pictures that he hasn't responded to.

"I like London," Dan says absently. He pretends not to understand the knowing look Jaime sends him. "What?"

"Sure, you liiiiike London," she teases, smacking his hand away from her plate.

"I do!" Dan huffs. "I always wanted to live in London when I was a teenager. It was, like, the dream. And I think it's probably still where I'll be ending up eventually."

"And a cute guy with a cuter dog has absolutely nothing to do with that?" Jaime asks, sipping at her beer.

Dan feels his stomach twist. It's not pleasant, having someone assume something about you, even if that thing is true. He looks down at his own hands and shrugs. "No, I mean. I'd want London anyway. I just kind of want it... more, now."

"You never actually answered my drunk texts. How long have you been together?"

"We aren't together, James," says Dan. His throat is tight with suppressed emotion. This is the first time he has spoken out loud about his attraction to a guy to someone that matters to him. It's fucking terrifying. "I - I like him, though."

"I can tell," says Jaime. She kicks at his shin under the table and smiles when he gives her a reproachful look. "Don't call me James, or I'll call you Dan."

With a snort, Dan steals more of her chips. "Fine."

They eat in a fairly comfortable silence for a few minutes, both of their plates acting more like communal food, and Dan almost thinks he'll be able to get away with the topic being dropped.

"He likes you too, y'know," Jaime says, bursting that hope. "In case you couldn't tell that he eyefucks you constantly."

Dan feels his face heat up and resists the urge to throw something at her. The server in this very Irish pub has been nice to them so far, but causing a scene as a Brit and a Yank doesn't sound like the best plan. "Shut up."

"I'm serious, Daniel," she laughs. "You really can't tell?"

"No," Dan says, affecting an annoyed sort of sigh. "I mean, yeah, no, I can definitely tell that he would be up for it if I asked."

"Why haven't you asked, then?"

He could tell her any number of half-truths, and she'd accept them as whole answers. Not wanting to fuck up their immediate connection, the whole ocean between them thing, or any other justification he's been muttering to himself while he paces around his hotel rooms.

The thing is, though, that Dan trusts Jaime. She's never told anyone any of the stupid shit he does when it's just them. Neither has Patrick, for that matter, but he's not here right now. And Dan doesn't think he can say this twice.

"Because," he says, swallowing hard and looking at the table. "Nobody knows I like boys. I don't even like to think about it too much, usually."

Dan can practically hear his heart pounding. He jumps a bit when Jaime's small, dark hand covers one of his, and she gives it a reassuring squeeze. "Hey," she says quietly. "I didn't mean to push."

"You're fine," Dan says, and he means it. "I kind of need to think about it now, anyway."

"Because of Phil?" Jaime asks. When he nods and looks back up at her, she smiles. "You seem good together. I've never seen you look so happy, Daniel."

"I don't think I've ever been this happy," Dan admits. His palms are sweating. "And I know I haven't, like, known him that long or whatever, but. Did you know I used to be a fan of his back in the day? He was kind of a role model for teenage Daniel. If I'd have known he was gay back then... I don't know. Maybe I'd have been able to admit that about myself, too."

The label doesn't actually leave Dan's lips, not applied to himself, but he still feels like he's got hundreds of eyes on him. It's just Jaime's, though, big and dark and kind, and he tries to breathe through it.

"That's a very brave thing to tell me," says Jaime.

"Sorry," Dan says, nonsensically.

Jaime laughs, a trill of a noise that makes the dim, rainy day feel brighter. "Oh, you're dumb dumb."

"Only sometimes," says Dan. He's fighting a losing battle with a grin.

"Do you want to be with Phil?" she asks, so blunt about it that Dan is at a loss for words.

He pulls his hand away from hers to play around with his phone, a nervous habit he's never really been able to kick. "I mean, yeah. I do. But it's really not that simple."

With a little hum, Jaime rests her chin on one of her palms. She's beautiful in a way Dan can appreciate beautiful art, beautiful clothing; she's not beautiful the way he finds Phil beautiful, the way he's found men beautiful for years and tried so hard to push away.

"I guess not, but I also know you pretty well by now, Howell," says Jaime. "You've never met a problem you can't twist into something worse."

A little rude. But very true.

"What do you suggest, then?" Dan snarks. "Tell the world I'm - and deal with the consequences of that? People back in Georgia already hate me for so much other shit, I doubt this will make it any fucking better."

"I suggest just being honest with yourself," says Jaime, ignoring the rest of his mini strop.

Being honest with himself is not something Dan has made a habit of doing. And he probably could live the rest of his life pushing this aside, stamping it down, lying through his teeth to the people around him, but. It sounds like a pretty shit way to live, if Dan is going to try the honesty thing right now.

He remembers how it felt to be leaning into Phil's space in the big hotel bed, remembers the way Phil had smiled at him every time he pulled Thor into a cuddle, remembers the deliberate circles Phil had traced on the back of his neck when they said goodbye at his flat.

That's something he wants. Dan is craving that, the intimacy and familiarity of it that he knows he'll never fully be able to feel with any nice, beautiful girls like Jaime.

He could probably do it, anyway. Meet a woman. Marry her. Have the kids he's always wanted. Maybe he'll even find someone who doesn't mind adopting so he doesn't have to live in fear of his child getting his fucked up genes. If he's very, very lucky, he might even find someone who doesn't mind this thing he's been keeping a lid on since he hit puberty.

The fear that strikes in Dan's heart as he imagines exactly what it would be like to keep living like this is what decides it for him.

"I don't want to," Dan starts, then stops. He has to think about his words and not just respond to his inner thoughts like a weirdo. "I mean... I don't want to lie. It's really, really exhausting. I just didn't have a good enough reason not to."

"So what are you gonna do?" Jaime hums.

"What d'you mean?"

"Are you going to come out, like, to the general public?" Jaime asks, and Dan appreciates the nonchalance of her tone. "Or just me and Phil?"

"I don't know," says Dan. "I think I'd tell Patrick, too."

Jaime smiles and pats his hand. "Oh, darlin', he was in that room, too. I think he has an inkling."

"I can't tell other people until I tell my family," Dan says like she hasn't interrupted. "It just wouldn't be right, y'know, them finding out because a friend of a friend saw a piece in The Sun about how much I like sucking cock."

A cackle is startled out of Jaime, and she covers her mouth with both hands. "Daniel!"

"What?" Dan does his best to look innocent, but he's cracking into a shit-eating grin before he can stop it. "That's what would happen!"

"Horrible boy," she says.

"I didn't do anything."

"Please don't come out to your parents by telling them you like dick," says Jaime.

Dan shudders. "Ugh. Can we never talk about my parents and dick in the same sentence again? Thanks ever so."

"You started it!"

They're still bickering when Patrick finally joins them, sliding into the booth beside Jaime and knocking his long legs against Dan's in greeting. "Did y'all eat already?"

"Yeah, you want something?" Jaime asks, handing over the menu they'd kept for him.

While Patrick looks it over, his fingers idly tapping against the thick wood of the table, Dan steels his nerves. He knows he doesn't need to do this, he's got no obligation, but he also knows that this is a safe environment and he might never do it if he procrastinates much longer.

"Shepherd's pie sounds good," says Patrick.

"I'm gay," says Dan.

"Okay," says Patrick, not looking up. "Or maybe a curry? D'you think it's good curry here?"

Dan blinks. "I said, I'm gay."

"And I said okay." Patrick looks at him then, raising his eyebrows. "Did you want me to scream or something? It's not like it's a big deal."

It's a big deal to Dan. It's a really big deal. But he's touched by Patrick and Jaime's easy acceptance anyway, trying his best not to get emotional in the middle of the pub. He wants to explain himself, wants to say that he's never said those words to someone before, wants to cry and hug them both so tightly because they're his friends and he cares about them, but that would be overdramatic even for him.

"Thanks," he says instead, his voice thick with suppressed emotion. "The curry sounds good, mate."

"It does," Patrick agrees, and that's the end of that.

--

As if he knows that Dan has been having his videos on for four nights straight, falling asleep to his voice and waking up twelve autoplayed videos later, Phil uploads a new video that night.

Dan is pretending like he's going to sleep, all the lights off and his laptop away and everything, because he's got breakfast radio in the very early hours of the morning and he wants to at least try to be a functional human during it. But then he gets a notification for Phil's new video while he scrolls through Reddit, and he clicks on it without a second thought.

"Hi guys," the Phil on Dan's phone says, grinning and waving. Dan's breath catches, just a bit.

That's the outfit Phil was wearing when Dan came over and watched MasterChef with him. He was in Phil's flat during the filming of the last couple of minutes.

Logically, he knows that he's been in Phil's home, that he's been behind the scenes of AmazingPhil in a way that he never would have dreamed he'd be able to. It still fucking rattles him, though. He pays more attention to the jump cuts in the video - where, most likely, Thor had been bugging for attention - and desperately wishes he could remember which one was for Dan, which slice of unused footage was Phil telling him he wanted Chinese food.

"So I guess I won't be going back to Seven Dials for a while," says Phil, wrapping up yet another story that Dan forgot to pay attention to. He starts doing his outro, tells people to subscribe and all that jazz, says goodbye, rolls that beautiful Thor footage.

There's still a minute left on the video. Dan thinks he knows why.

Sure enough, after a beat of a black screen, Phil has included a blooper montage of all the times Thor interrupted his story. It's adorable, watching Phil get tongue tied and giggly while Thor licks at his face or does the zoomies around the room. Dan's heart feels full to burst at how badly he wants to be there again.

Will Phil include it? Dan's breath is caught in his throat as he waits, watching Phil's face so carefully to see what it does when - if - he says Dan's name.

Phil's lips curl into a different sort of smile than the one he'd been giving Thor. This one is warm in a way that makes Dan's pulse pick up speed, even seeing it on such a small screen. Finally, finally, Phil says, "Dan. Are you growling at Thor?"

He sounds like he's trying to be stern, but he can't quite accomplish it with that smile of his.

Then, Dan's own voice comes through. "Maybe."

"Maybe?" Phil's smile grows, gives him deep crinkles around his eyes. He looks so fucking fond. Dan doesn't think it's all for Thor. "I'm literally filming right now."

Dan whines, "He's just so cute," and then the video ends for real. Phil is smiling off-camera so genuinely, but autoplay is already suggesting another AmazingPhil video for Dan. With a resigned sort of sigh, he lets it play.

For about two weeks now, Dan has been figuring that, while Phil is a flirtatious guy who most likely wouldn't say no to a roll in the sheets, he doesn't actually have feelings for Dan or anything crazy like that. How could he, when they've known each other for such a short amount of time? How does Dan have all these feelings already?

But the way that Phil smiled when he was talking to Dan, and Dan wasn't looking back at him, is making Dan's head spin.

Fuck. He's got a lot to think about.

--

If people keep telling Dan he looks tired, he's going to snap.

He didn't get any sleep at all, really, his mind in fucking overdrive all night as he tipped over the box in his mind and let it all wash over him at once. He doesn't feel better, not yet, still exhausted and anxious and really, desperately not wanting to be sat in a radio station with his costars.

Unlike the BBC Radio One interview, this one is live on breakfast radio. Dan is trying not to think about that too much, or he's going to have back sweat all over his favourite shirt.

The shirt still smells like Phil.

It's distracting.

Dan hasn't responded to the Thor photos that Phil sent him yesterday or this morning, too wrapped up in his own brain as he's been. He hopes that Phil won't be offended, because - well, Dan isn't the best texter in general, he might as well get used to bouts of silence.

His leg is bouncing as Jaime establishes a rapport with the radio host, whose name Dan has been told at least a dozen times. Gun to his head, he could not recall it now.

He's too busy thinking about Phil. And maybe that's a mistake, unprofessional at the very least, but Dan can't help it. He can smell the faintest hint of Phil's cologne when he puts the collar of his t-shirt over his nose and his hands keep twitching, remembering what it felt like to be held by Phil's.

Mind completely full of Phil and lack of sleep, Dan can't really be blamed for not paying attention to his surroundings.

This is his excuse, anyway, when the radio host introduces himself again for the audience - in one ear and out the fucking other for Dan - and Dan's response, after Patrick and Jaime have said their names, is to say, "Hi, I'm Phil."

There's a beat of complete silence before Jaime breaks it, honking into her microphone and covering her mouth. Dan's brain catches up with his mouth, then, and he feels himself turn brick red.

"Daniel's been up all night," Patrick says dryly. "Apparently, he had to get three stars on Rainbow Road."

The idea that Dan didn't already have three stars on Rainbow Road is offensive, but he takes the life vest Patrick is throwing him. "Hah, yeah, sorry. I'm Daniel, and hopefully that'll be the most embarrassing thing I do today. I have a bit of a knack for it, if you didn't know."

Dan already knows he'll be clowned for this one for a while, judging by the sheer glee on Jaime's face, but he's determined to make it through the rest of the interview without forgetting his own name again.

Sure enough, they've barely said their goodbyes to the host and left the studio when Jaime crows, "'Hi, I'm Phil'? Holy shit, Howell!"

"I'm going to take a walk off a very short pier. 'Scuse me."

"It's not the worst thing you've ever done," says Patrick. His lips are twitching with either amusement or disapproval. Dan is guessing it's the former. "I mean, it's up there. But you've done way worse. Like do you remember the time -"

"That's not actually helpful," Dan says.

"Sorry, Phil," says Patrick.

Dan reaches for his throat with both hands and Patrick ducks out of the door with a bright laugh.

He's reluctant to check his phone the rest of the morning, because he can only imagine the cyberbullying he's going to endure from his fans over that slip of the tongue. Especially if they've already figured out that he was the 'Dan' at the end of Phil's video. Most people might not make the connection, since nobody really calls him that, but Dan has tweeted about Phil's videos and Phil has posted photos of them with Thor, so. It wouldn't take a fucking detective.

Once Dan's phone starts ringing with a call, though, he kind of has to deal with it. He's playing Guild Wars, so he puts the phone on speaker as quickly as possible. Only two people call him, so he doesn't even bother taking his eyes off the raid to look at the caller ID.

"Hullo?"

"Hi," Phil's voice comes through the tinny speaker. He sounds like he's already on the verge of laughter, and Dan considers hanging up.

Still, he's glad it's Phil calling and not his agent. Amy can be very intimidating, even all the way from Los Angeles, and he can't imagine that she's going to be thrilled about all the fuckups he's had on this leg of the tour.

Dan sighs loud enough to be heard through the phone. "Hello, Phil."

"Oh, am I Phil? I thought you were Phil!"

"Very funny."

"Or are we all Phil?"

The bright chirp of Phil's voice makes Dan smile despite himself. He narrowly avoids getting murked in the game because he's too fucking busy mooning over a boy. Christ.

"Are we human or are we Phil?" Dan asks, overly dry in case his smile shines through the way Phil's is.

Phil giggles. That's quickly becoming one of Dan's favourite sounds. He can practically picture the tongue between the teeth. "You big dork. How did that even happen? Like, walk me through your thought process."

"Isn't it abundantly fucking clear that I didn't have a thought process?" Dan whines.

"I was just wondering if you had some kind of explanation," says Phil. He still sounds far too amused. Dan wants to be annoyed about it, but he can't even pretend like a happy Phil is something he doesn't want. "Because you've done a lot of stupid shit in interviews, Dan, but you've never forgotten your own name before."

"Thanks," says Dan.

"Oh, you know what I mean," says Phil.

Dan shrugs even though he's well aware Phil can't see him. "I dunno, I didn't really sleep last night, and then being in a radio station made me think about you."

That's definitely a half-truth. Dan hasn't stopped thinking about Phil for almost two weeks now.

He'd been hoping maybe some distance would help. Weekend in Edinburgh, couple nights in Dublin. Perfect to get his head on straight - or, not straight, as it happens - and start separating his feelings for Phil from the all-consuming endorphins of fast friendship.

If anything, though, being physically away from Phil has only drawn attention to how badly Dan wants him to be there. Hearing Phil's voice when they're on different islands is just solidifying those feelings into something not easily removed in Dan's chest.

"You were thinking about me?" Phil asks, and he sounds so warm, even as he's making fun of Dan.

God. Dan wants to be there. He wants to see the way Phil's eyes crinkle with his smile, wants to feel the weight of Phil's cool hand in his own.

They've still got another night in Dublin before they can head back, but. There's only one more interview, surely nobody will miss his awkward presence that much?

Dan checks the time as soon as he finishes his raid. It's barely noon. He bites his lip. The whole day is still ahead of him.

Is he really thinking about doing this?

"Maybe," he says. "Hold on, I need to - do something. I'll text you. Like, I'll actually text you."

"Okay," Phil agrees, sounding a bit bewildered but still just as cheerful.

"I promise that I'll text you," Dan says. He's really, really bad at texting people back at the best of times, let alone when he's in the midst of a proper existential crisis, but he'll have a lot of time with nothing but his phone when he's - hopefully - sat at the airport.

"Okay," Phil says again, even warmer.

It would take no effort at all for Dan to get lost in that voice, but he's a man on a mission. Provided that Jaime and Patrick are okay with it, he's going to skive off tomorrow's interview and head back to London early.

He won't even try to pretend it isn't for Phil. He's got to ride this deep-seated certainty as far as it'll take him. And it isn't going to be like a movie, he isn't rushing off to the airport to catch his one true love or anything like that, he just. Misses Phil. Wants to be with Phil. Maybe he'll kiss Phil, but that's as rom-com as he plans to get.

"I'll see you soon," says Dan. "I have to ask Jaime and Patrick something."

[j2madhatters]

Why Padalecki marriage annoys me - non Tinhat perspective

I can safely say that never before has a marriage annoyed me as much as the Padalecki marriage.  Even the Ackles’ behavior is reasonable.  They don’t kiss and make out public because Jensen is not an exhibitionist sort.  I have never respect PDAs.  In my opinion, it is inappropriate.  But remember, I am not a tinhat so you can draw your own conclusions about why the Ackles don’t “display” their love in public.  There is nothing wrong with theorizing. 

Genevieve, and Jared [when he is in husband mode] just irritate me.  They oversell it.  In the beginning, I thought she was so lucky to have a husband like him.  He is so beautiful.  He’s so sensitive.  He earns well.  He is respected in his field.  Plus he cried on their wedding day.  How beautiful is that?  For years afterwards, he would gush over her during his panels.  At first, I smirked, then I became poker faced, then I became mildly annoyed and then one day [I even remember the panel] it just got too noticeably exhibitionist.  It was the last question.  Timothy Omundson was called on stage, pretending to be the last question.  And he comically fangirled uncontrollably before perching himself on the designated chair.  His question was “who is your favourite guest star, and why is it Timothy Omundsom?’‘  It was a funny question, and Jensen went with it, saying that he was a fan of Omundson’s beard, which caused Robbie to throw a faux hissy fit because he had a beard too, darn it.  But Jensen pointed out that his beard was pathetic because it was short and he couldn’t braid it.  After the laugh fest, Jared gave his answer:  ’'My favorite guest star is Gen, because she’s my wife and the mother of my children”. 

For some reason, that is pissed me right off.  It was a funny question.  It didn’t warrant a serious, gushy husband reply.  Some witless creature made a mistake of pointing this out, in the comment section.  The entire page converged on her.  Even people who had initially agreed with her, backtracked.  I felt angry at this fandom's self-censoring.  I realized she was over loved, not because of any personal merit, but because she married Jared.  They were calling her a queen.  Seriously?  A queen.  For what?  So I went on the internet to see if I was the only weird person who couldn’t detect her monarchical merits. 

That was last year-ish.  How do you think I stumbled onto tinhats.  I like most hats because it seems they don't conform to the politically correct norm of ’'treat the wives like gold’’.  And they don’t ask tinhat questions during panels.  Unlike the leeches who love destiel and Misha Collins.  Jared was becoming too extra when it came to Genevieve.  And I noticed he inserted an obligatory Gen mention at least once, in every single panel.  Even after seven years, he was far too “in love”.  And eventually, instead of being happy for their happiness, I started feel like they were rubbing their domestic bliss in everyone’s face.  “look at what we’ve got, nyah nyah nyah.’'  My polite and genuine [but not over the top] respect for their marriage dissipated.

You know who he reminded me off.  He reminded me of Tom Cruise when he was a guest on Oprah and was over pushing the epic love he had for Katie Holmes, jumping on the couch and fist pumping the air.  That incident, I found humorous and embarrassing.  This was plain irritating.  I noticed he’s slowed down now.  The unnecessary wife mentions sometimes don’t even make an appearance, for which I am thankful.  I wonder why though.  Unless he is telling a story that she is a part of, like the Highway story, he doesn’t mention her anymore.  My non tinhat guess is that he was aware that fans were getting pissed off, especially since, he had mentioned something about her in a panel recently [I don’t remember which one], and someone in the front row said:  We know! 

Another thing I don’t like about this relationship is Genevieve intruding on fan space.  If people are paying bucket loads to see their favorite actor, unless they specifically ask for a guest appearance by the actor’s wife, don’t intrude.  Once, Genevieve appeared on stage, during a J2 panel, to contribute something unnecessary to the story they were recounting.  I think it was the highway story.  Then she made sure she kissed him before leaving, while the crowd watched.  Why?  She added nothing fresh to the story, and couldn’t she wait to leave the stage, to kiss her husband.  She isn’t paying to see her husband.  The fans are.  Don’t take that precious time away from them. 

And I noticed, she usually sits at the side of the stage, overseeing the whole exchange.  As far as I know, Danneel hasn’t done that yet.  Why the need to loom over the proceedings?  Does she love to hear him talk?  That reminds me of the livestream they did, where he was talking and she mouthed ’'blah blah blah’' while making a mocking hand gesture, because apparently he was talking too much.  So obviously Jared’s yammering doesn’t entertain her.  

Then at Jib, she got to join the panel.  I didn’t fault her for attending because apparently the previous year, he had gotten sick and didn’t make the con.  I assumed she was there for moral support.  I am a non hatter so that is my analysis.  You cant of course, explain your perspective.  But that doesn’t mean she needs to be on stage.  For what?  Its not like she did something spectacular whilst there.  Rob, Rich and Jared had to take over the discussion because she was so dull.  Eventually even Jensen joined in, revved the crowd up even further, and left.  One of her fan girls complained that the boys ’'didn’t even let her speak”.  Thank goodness they didn’t.  

She is inserting herself between Jared and the fan, and now people are forced to be enthusiastic about her.  Its so unfair.  It almost seems like Genevieve wants shared custody of the fans.  That is not how fame works.  You earn it.  You don’t inherit it.  I started to get more and more annoyed with being forced, [by all of fandom, I thought] to go crazy over some woman, I could care less for.  She wasn’t impressive as fake Ruby.  And I was not the only one who thought so.  Cassidy was a bland actor, in my humble opinion.  Genevieve was worse. 

The only reason she didn’t fade into oblivion, like all the other female actors, is because she married Jared.  There was a blog called anti-Genevieve on Tumblr, that received a lawyers letter to cease and desist, because of defamation of character.  Its her right to safeguard her reputation, so no problem there, especially if the blog is over malicious without proof or facts.  I did visit the site.  But I don’t remember seeing anything horrible other than her being called a beard.  But it has been a while so maybe I just forgot.  

However,  there is another blog called Supernatural Snark.  Almost the entire blog bashes Jared for everything that comes out of his mouth.  One day, an ask about Jensen’s weird behavior at Jibcon, illicited an odd response from the blogger.  The asker said that Jensen’s breakdown was Misha, Jared and the destiheller’s fault because Misha queerbaits his fans, Jared teases destiel and the fans abused Jensen on Twitter after Jaxcon.  She said Jensen was trying to pacify the fans.  The blogger said that it didn’t make sense for Jensen to wait six months to pacify the fans.  Then she disabled the comment so the asker couldn’t respond.  Of course, even I know he waited six months, because he shares no other panel with Misha.  That’s when I realized that Supernatural Snark is a heller blog. 

How come Genevieve doesn’t send a cease and desist lawyer’s letter to this witch.  I think I know why.  She only looked for anti stuff about herself on the net and that’s how she found this page.  If she was looking for anti Jared blogs, she would have found Supernatural Snark.  The Minute Maid commercial and her words in it were a little incentive.  She said she was making so many sacrifices.  Well missy, bundle up your babies and buzz off to Vancouver.  You husband is not gone off to war.  You are sacrificing nothing. 

She doesn’t seem to care for him.  She doesn’t care about his campaign.  She never tags AFK for anything.  She tags Random Acts, though.  The thing that makes my blood boil, on a personal level, is that she claims that she also suffers from depression.  As a bipolar sufferer myself, the one trend I noticed is that when people are impatient with me, and I point out that I have bipolar disorder, they quickly say that they also suffer from depression, so they don’t look bad.  Since when does she have depression.  Because if she did, she wouldn’t ignore her husband’s campaign that is supposed to help people like her.  Is she sharing in her husband’s sympathy the same way she is sharing his fame? 

She has diehard fans on Instagram.  One of them is Ivana.  Ivana gushily asked Genevieve to sign her name so that Ivana could have it tattooed.  I was surprised.  When did Gen become a rockstar?  Then I realized that Ivana has her own SM page where she says she is ITK and best buds with Genevieve.  So she knows that Jared abuses his wife and neglects his children.  Ivana is a heller.  Her best friend Lua James [@Poptivist on Twitter], led a smear campaign against J2 for the Nolacon joke.  Her followers are the ones that made this problem reach MSM.  And J2 had to apologize, publicly, for nothing.  That is ok, because what Lua and gang were initially hoping for was for separates for the boys' panels, so that Jared wouldn’t be near Jensen.  Genevieve is making herself the whip with which hellers can beat Jared.

And both Ivana and Lua cornered Danneel at one con to tell her how everyone hated her, except them.  That was their snide contribution to tinhat hate.  Danneel signed Poptivist’s SPN magazine, with the caption:  “He is mine, bitches”… something inappropriate like that.  Danneel was wrong for writing that.  I noticed she fights with Jensen’s fans a lot.  Ungracious.  Lua is so toxic that she needs a guard at the cons, supplied by Creation to keep an eye on her.  WTF!!!  I always wondered why she wasn’t just excluded, but I think it’s because she is friends with a Creation staff member who also happens to be Misha’s relative.  And because she is a Misha fan girl, she gets to stay. 

That’s why Misha’s face appears on the main posters with J2, despite him not being a lead.  Because he is related to staff.    The wives have no fans, but I think Genevieve’s ego is in denial.  Her intellect isn’t, which is why Jared’s appears in her vlogs.  He is the deal sealer for her.  One day this pompousness is going to backfire on Gen.  I hope she figures that out one day. 

APOLOGIES FOR ANOTHER LONG POST.  I HOPE YOU DONT MIND.

Thank you for your submission, I’ve always wondered what non-hats make of the OTT parade and the wife stanning.

[whitehotharlots]

M.I.A., Fariha Róisín, and the rhetorical triumph of passive listening

I’ve been thinking about the rise and fall of M.I.A., the might-aughts musical sensation who was briefly the most celebrated alternative pop artist in the world. 2004’s Piracy Funds Terrorism and 05’s Arular generated some of the most positive press I’d ever seen from outlets like Pitchfork (which, back then, still kinda counted as an alternative to dominant culture). 2007’s crossover hit Kala was one of the most genuinely dangerous and experimental records ever to enter the mainstream of American culture. Then... she just kinda went away. 

M.I.A.’s politics were miles beyond the limp, bland positivity of the era’s liberalism. She was literally militant, lending her support for the Tamil Tigers. A lyric on her song “Sunshowers,” (“Like the PLO I don’t surrender”), was considered dangerous enough that it got her banned from entering the US for several months.  This was not the fuzzy, feelgood liberalism of Obama, nor even the “fierceness” of someone like Beyonce, whose material accomplishments are considered a substitute for actual politics. This was a literal refugee woman telling the world that, actually, things really fucking suck, and if you want them to get better you you’re going to have to fight.

Of course, this engendered pushback--first and foremost from the “liberals” at Pitchfork. M.I.A. complained, rightfully, that music reviewers tended to give far too much credit to the male collaborators of female musicians. No one would attribute the genius of Purple Rain to Wendy and Lisa, so why did all of her reviewers spend so much time talking about Diplo? Pitchfork responded by viciously smearing her next album and accusing her of uneven and naive politics. Other outlets followed suit, and by the turn of the decade she had fallen out of mainstream favor.

And so you’d think, with recent developments, that the liberal-leaning press would have switched positions in regard to M.I.A., maybe even apologize for the horrible treatment she received. After all, the meat of her criticism is now practically unquestionable. And so I was confused by this article from affidavit.art, which is a rather woke-leaning website. The piece’s author, Fariha Róisín, purports to demonstrate herself taking a nuanced and forgiving tack toward M.I.A., but in doing so she reinforces some of the most reactionary and regressive impulses of our current social justice paradigm. In reading through it, seeing how deftly it continues to smear M.I.A. for the crime of being a genuinely dissident artist, we can get a good bead on the self-destructive tendencies of wokeism.

Róisín’s article is a personal reflection upon her relationship with M.I.A. as an artist, starting with her infatuation with the M.I.A’s early work, and moving into political disappointment that culminated in her asking hostile questions to the artist at a MoMa panel. She frames things by explaining

I hadn’t listened to Maya’s [M.I.A.’s] work in a couple of years, after she somewhat embarrassingly responded off the cuff to a question about Black Lives Matter: “Is Beyoncé or Kendrick Lamar going to say Muslim Lives Matter? Or Syrian Lives Matter? Or this kid in Pakistan matters?”

MIA’s comment, I would argue, is tone-deaf. Within the context that Róisín presents it, it certainly comes across as insensitive. The US criminal justice system is a world-historic atrocity that has ruined countless lives. It should be discussed in stark terms, and it’s fine to criticize someone who appears to not regard it with the severity it deserves.

But let’s look at MIA’s full quote, as it appeared in The Daily Standard:

“It’s interesting that in America the problem you’re allowed to talk about is Black Lives Matter. It’s not a new thing to me — it’s what Lauryn Hill was saying in the 1990s, or Public Enemy in the 1980s. Is Beyoncé or Kendrick Lamar going to say Muslim Lives Matter? Or Syrian Lives Matter? Or this kid in Pakistan matters? That’s a more interesting question. And you cannot ask it on a song that’s on Apple, you cannot ask it on an American TV programme, you cannot create that tag on Twitter, Michelle Obama is not going to hump you back”

Knowing anything about MIA’s personal history makes it clear that she did not intend to diminish the horrors of American judicial violence. When one reads the full quote (oh, the horror of having to parse an entire paragraph!), it’s clear she’s stressing a bigger picture here, criticizing the fact that the vast majority of US liberals still refuse to criticize US militarism, even as they’ve become near-pathological in defining themselves as social justice crusaders. She is, in short, criticizing the ineffective and narrow politics of people like Róisín.

I cannot speak for Kendrick and Beyonce in specific, but I have known dozens of putatively woke people--people who consume all the right cultural artifacts, who would never speak over a black person in a workplace meeting, who have been very vocal critics of police violence for upwards of 4 whole years--who still proudly celebrate the armed forces.

Through direct military action, support for brutal dictatorships, and otherwise meddling in the affairs of other countries in pursuit of our own financial interests, the American Military Industrial Complex has been the single biggest purveyor of human suffering worldwide for the past 70-odd years. They have killed literally tens of millions of people, ruined the lives of a few hundred million more, and immiserated billions. US foreign policy spends trillions of dollars killing brown people and enriching a handful of elites. And, to most American wokeists, that constitutes at best a complicated situation worthy of consideration and debate--unlike, say, someone who supports the wrong movie to win best picture, or who doesn’t celebrate Cardi B--these people deserve uniform and unambiguous condemnation. This perplexing mindset is what M.I.A/ was criticizing.

Of course, those who operate within this mindset are going to reject this criticism. They will refuse to just listen to those who question their approach to social justice. They will speciously declare such criticism as evidence of the evil nature of the person who uttered it, demand the “cancellation” of said person, and use all criticisms of their condemnation as proof of their own righteousness--if what they were saying wasn’t good and true, then why did so many bad and wrong people disagree with it?

Unless, that is, they take so-called “nuanced” route outlined by Róisín. In the face of overwhelming evidence of the vicious self-certainty of her peers, Róisín  attempts to deflect such criticism by introducing a new plane of equivocation. MIA isn’t evil, she says. The artist is just deeply ignorant, a defect born of her inability to listen in the correct manner:

Cancelling people is exhilarating, especially when it’s done by marginalized folks, those who so often experience the world through white supremacy—sometimes as a soft and subtle barrage, other times through vicious and terrifying means. The ability to dictate someone’s fate, when you’ve long been in the shadows, is a kind of victory. Like saying “Fuck You” from underneath the very heavy sole of a very old shoe. But while outrage culture has its merits, nuance has evaporated. So often it involves reducing someone to their mistakes, their greatest hits collection of fuck-ups.

This does not mean that we should simply forgive an untoward statement. It certainly does not mean we should try to understand where that statement came from. Nor does it even mean we should read a statement within the context of the full paragraph in which it appeared. Oh no. It means, instead, we should ascribe that statement to ignorance:

What I believe Maya is trying to say is that American issues have become global. What she lacks the language to say is: how do we also care about the many millions of people around the world who are dying, right now? Why does American news, American trauma, American death, always take center-stage?

It’s pretty fucking insulting to insist that M.I.A. “lacks language.” But Róisín makes the exact same assertion again, a few paragraphs later.  She ends the lead-in to her description of the moment in which she calls out M.I.A. (which is interminably long and ponderous) with the following, deeply chilling quote: “You can understand Maya’s perspective without agreeing with her, but I had another question. How do you hold someone you love accountable?” Indeed. Even if you try in earnest to understand someone’s perspective, that does not absolve you of your duty to punish them for their word-crimes.

During the talk, M.I.A, rightfully, defended herself against accusations of racism. We can all agree that’s a mistake. In reality, it’s a mistake because wokeists considering defending oneself to constitute proof of guilt. In “nuanced” woke framing, it’s a mistake because it reveals a refusal to just listen:

Her incomprehension that people could be upset by her remarks reflected her naivety about how the internet kills its darlings. Two weeks prior to our meeting, Stephon Clark was murdered, shot twenty times in the back by two police officers. To this she responded: “Yeah, well no-one remembers the kid in Syria who is being shot right now either. Or the kid that’s dying in Somalia.” It made me wonder if she was unwell, not on a Kanye level, but just enough to lack the mechanisms it takes to understand perspective.

[ … ]

Laconic and aloof, I remind Maya on stage that anti-blackness is not an American issue, it’s universal. Perhaps it’s ego, or shameful anger, but I know she cares. Before she begins to speak I realize that you have to build empathy when someone fails you. That they’re not yours to own. You have to try your best to talk to them, and that it’s never helpful to reduce them to a punchline. I believe in Maya’s possibility to grow. I believe in the possibility of change. Maybe that’s my own naivety, but it’s also my political stance. It’s not about compromising ideology, or even making space for the existence of those ideas. It’s about creating dialogue. She begins to speak, and I listen. Holding space for her when I can without biting my tongue. But, mainly, asserting myself as hard as I can, with as much compassion as the situation deserves. We are sisters in this fight, and we’re butting heads—but both critique and accountability are important. So I remind her with a glance, with an interjection, that I’m here to talk, too.

Ascribing an ideological disagreement to one side’s refusal to listen to the other side is perhaps the laziest form of argument. It is, after all, the preferred tactic of Jordan Peterson’s idiot fans. The assumption is that one side is manifestly correct, and so the only way someone could disagree with them is they didn’t bother to listen to what that side had to say. Even if they claim to have listened, they must have listened incorrectly. Otherwise, they would certainly agree with what the other person was saying.

Róisín takes this process well beyond the Peterson fans’ simple wailing of “you need to watch more of his videos!”  She instead crafts an ethos of false humility out of a long and detailed description of attempting to not dismiss MIA’s viewpoint even as she does exactly that, of announcing how little pleasure she’s taking in describing the manifest evil of the horrible, ignorant pop star.  

This displays the bizarre definition of “listening” as the act of simply remaining silent while another person speaks. You’ll notice that Róisín doesn’t bother to cite anything M.I.A. said--it’s unlikely she retained anything, other than perhaps appropriate pull-quote that would, outside of context, allow her to present the artist as an ignorant racist. Listening remains, by definition, a unidirectional affair. But turning it into a completely passive act turns it into a powerful rhetorical tool. Listeners need not attempt to understand speakers (that might actually go against the spirit of proper Listening). It’s still okay to demonize someone for something they never actually said. The power of passive listening is that it allows us to feign humility and claim its mantle of righteousness, to disguise dismissal as empathy.

Those who have actually studied race theory might notice a pretty incredible contradiction in Róisín’s penultimate paragraph. Her belief that anti-blackness is a universal constant is perhaps ascendent now, at least within middlebrow woke media. But this is by no means an accepted understanding within actual scholarship: Adolph Reed, Barbara and Karen Fields, Asad Haider, Walter Benn-Michaels, Stephen Steinberg, and Kenneth Warren would all strongly disagree with such an assertion.

Broadly, these scholars (and dozens of others, all erased by Róisín) argue that such a conception of anti-blackness is actually incredibly regressive, as it is based on an understanding of race that cannot be combatted through personal or political action. If Róisín had bothered to actually listen--in the sense where she not only received but actively engaged with what other people were saying--she might not have made such a comment. But that’s not what she does. That’s not what is safe. That’s not what is possible. What is safe, and possible, and popular is exactly what Róisín does in this article: she presents an incredibly imperious argument in the guise of pathological humility; her perspective becomes validated precisely because of its dismissiveness. Nevermind its self-contradictions. Nevermind its profound inefficacy. She’s right, her critics are wrong, and that is all that anyone is allowed to say.

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

friendship and disagreement

A friend should be someone you get along with, someone you share interests with.

that shouldn’t be a controversial statement, let’s move on. 

A friend should be someone you trust.

friends are often the people we tell everything to, the ones we trust with our deepest thoughts, feelings, and secrets- it shouldn’t be hard to understand the concept of trusting a friend. 

still on board? how about this:

A friend should be someone you can disagree with. 

This might not seem like it, but it’s really just an extension of the second point- trust. Most friendships are able to last if you only talk about things you both like and enjoy, but a true test of friendship is being able to respectfully disagree with eachother.

No friends are in perfect agreement 100% of the time- if you think you have a friend that you *always* agree with, odds are you’ve been suppressing potential points of conflict, which can be dangerous. Sometimes, this is a good thing: there’s no need to fight over something that doesn’t really matter, like whether your friend prefers whole milk or two percent, and of course you and your friend shouldn’t constantly be getting into full scream-fights and hurling obscenities at eachother, but disagreement is essential to maintaining a healthy friendship. 

This disagreement can be from something as trivial as anime ships- maybe your friend ships something you just don’t like- or serious issues that could threaten your friendship, such as feeling like your friend is being very inconsiderate to you, and you need them to address that behavior. 

In either case, the keys to maintaining friendship in spite of these disagreements are trust and respect: you need to trust that your friend won’t turn on you for the mere act of disagreeing with them, and you both need to be respectful of eachother’s viewpoints and feelings when arguing. If either of these keys are consistently missing, you might be in an unhealthy or even toxic friendship. 

If you feel like you’re constantly swallowing your words or holding back your true feelings when you disagree with a friend, ask yourself why.

Is it because the argument doesn’t really matter and you’d rather not waste time on it? That’s fine, ignore it and move on with your life

Is it because you’re scared of conflict, even with someone like a close friend who you presumably trust? This is pretty common, especially with people who have some kind of mental disorder or a history of abuse. 

Still, try and evaluate the underlying reasons behind your fear of conflict- is it more because of your internal feelings, like fear and anxiety, or because you have concrete reasons to fear an external reaction from your friend? 

The first reason is understandable, but you can’t let fear and anxiety rule your life, especially if they’re keeping you from confronting a serious issue. If you don’t feel free to discuss issues with your friend, you’ll just stockpile negativity against them and yourself, and nothing good will come from that. Try and understand that your feelings- while valid- aren’t necessarily correct and may be preventing you from reaching the best outcome with your friend. Trust in your friend to be understanding and supportive, even if you don’t agree with something they’ve said or done. 

The second reason is more indicative of a troubled friendship. If you’re afraid of how your specific friend will react to disagreement- and it’s not just a fear of argument in general- ask yourself why.

Do they believe a friend should always agree with them “no matter what”? 

While it’s true a friend should be willing to support you and want the best for you, this includes a healthy measure of disagreement, not blind acceptance of your every word, action, and opinion. 

A true friend should be able to call you out when you’re wrong- in a kind, constructive, and respectful manner, of course. They should be able to speak to you directly about whatever they disagree with, and you shouldn’t take disagreement as a sign that they don’t like you or respect you or that they’re not a “real” friend. If you feel like they’re being unfair to you, by all means address that issue, but disagreeing in and of itself is not inherently unfair.

Friends should get along, and most have a high degree of similar interests, but that doesn’t mean they’re a hivemind. Disagreements are inevitable- a friend who “always” agrees with you is either lying to you or lying to themselves. 

Any friendship can stay afloat if you never challenge one another; true friends should have enough faith to rock the boat once and a while and know they won’t let eachother drown. 

Do they talk badly about other friends who argue with them?

This can be anything from outright stating their dislike or anger toward a friend who’s disagreed with them to vagueing about them on twitter. A friend should be able to accept another friend disagreeing with them as long as they are respectful about it- to respond to respectful, reasonable disagreement by complaining shows a level of immaturity and a lack of respect for their friend’s thoughts and feelings. 

Have they reacted poorly to disagreements in the past?

This is the clearest indication that they might have problems addressing disagreement in a healthy and constructive manner. Although there are many ways someone can have a bad reaction to disagreement, I think there are two main paths to take: denial and toxic apologies 

DENIAL: Do they refuse to listen to you/ won’t admit that they’re wrong/refuse to apologize?

This is obviously pretty toxic: a friend who never listens to you and isn’t willing to hear you out if you’re not saying what they want you to isn’t a good friend, and if they’ve done something you found hurtful and won’t at least apologize for upsetting you, then it shows that they can’t respond to conflict in a respectful way and it’s difficult to have any sort of constructive discussion with them. 

TOXIC APOLOGIES: Are they all too eager to admit that they’re wrong, to the point where it’s unhealthy/all their apologies are emotionally manipulative?

This one’s a bit more insidious, and sadly it tends to crop up a lot in people with mental illnesses, even unintentionally.

If you respectfully confront someone about something they’ve said or done that you don’t agree with and the person immediately starts crying and blames themselves for everything, calls themselves a horrible person, talks about how everyone hates them, that they deserve to die, that they’re so so sorry for what they did to you, you didn’t deserve that, no one should have to put up with them etc etc. . . that’s not a constructive apology, that’s emotional manipulation.

It might seem strange to label a behavior as “manipulative” when it’s often unintentional- the person in question might genuinely feel that way- but it absolutely manipulates the conversation. Instead of talking about the source of the conflict, you end up reassuring the person who should be apologizing to you and the conversation becomes all about them and their needs rather than discussing what would be best for the both of you.

As long as you are respectful and mindful of your friend’s feelings when bringing up a source of disagreement, you should never feel like you have to apologize for it, and if your friend makes you feel that way- even unintentionally- then they are not being fair to you.

Mental illnesses don’t excuse anything.

 If a person is being a bad friend “because of x” then they’re still being a bad friend, and you still have every right to be upset with them. Just like you shouldn’t stay in a romantic relationship just because your partner threatens suicide, you shouldn’t stay in a friendship with someone who can’t handle disagreement in a constructive manner because they’re mentally ill. That friendship is not healthy or beneficial to either of you. 

Summary: 

True friends can and should disagree with one another, as long as they’re both respectful about voicing their opinions; disagreement shows a certain level of trust, and it gives both parties in the friendship a chance to learn, grow, and consider scenarios from different viewpoints.

A friendship without disagreement is not a healthy friendship- especially not if you refrain from addressing grievances with a friend because you know they won’t respond in a healthy and constructive manner, and you’re afraid of angering or upsetting them. 

Trust your friends and feel free to disagree with them- and if you can’t, start asking yourself why not. 

[onisionquotes]

YOUR PROBLEMS DON’T MATTER? (Be Happy, End Your Anxiety)

(Spoken word rap) pain pain like the pain of my face when I don't turn the light on all the shadows in my face revealing I don't got my beauty on the cash flows from me, even though it's all fake I'm trying to rap but the pressure of rhyming I can't take crash a can, small town love Sorry, I got a little distracted by myself. Anyway today I want to talk about suffering. Pain. Agony. You see some people have it in their head that a child who drops their ice cream cone suffers the same as someone who just lost their husband to cancer. People actually believe this. And I personally disagree with this idea. Lets first go into the argument that a person that cries over a speeding ticket, their suffering should be given just as much attention or appreciation as somebody who just saw their dog get hit by a bulldozer. Don't over analyze it, I'm just saying. So here's the thing. If you approach somebody who is somewhat emotionally stable and can respond to reason. They're very upset about something and you ask them. Lets say someone that just lost one of their cats to say cancer. You approach that person and you say 'hey, what other pets do you have?' They'll say they have their dog Mikey and their pet gerbil Herbert. Then you say to that person, "Well aren't you glad that Mikey and Herbert are perfectly healthy? Wouldn't it be so much worse if you lost both of those pets too?" And right now you sound like a mobster. You're threatening them. You need protection money or something. Let's continue in this little talk for the sake of having it. That person might start to think. "Oh man, Yeah I'm kinda grateful that my other pets are fine" and so they start to appreciate what they do have. And maybe suffer a little less with this realization. Or how about say someone who cuts themselves. You know, because someone at school was bullying them. So they went home and thought that slicing their wrist open would somehow make their life better. Which we all most know that doesn't really make your life better at all. You can reason with a lot of people. I got myself, I've talked hundreds if not thousands of people out of cutting themselves. And I'm not the one claiming this. It's on forums. It's on Twitter. It's in my inbox. People thanking me for my approach to their problem. The thing is, sometimes I get flagged for not respecting the suffering of people who say just got a B on their homework when they really wanted an A. Even if they cry just as hard as someone who just lost their husband. Someone who just lost their parents. I'm not gonna say the person that just got a B on their homework assignment deserves the same amount of respect and appreciation as someone who just lost their spouse or other dear loved one. But this is basically what some people actually want you to do. They want you to act like everyone's problems are equal and that's just not the world we live in. And you know how I know that these problems are not equal? Do you know how I can shut down almost anyone arguing against my point. Ask them the following question. To the person who got a B on their homework instead of an A. "Would you rather be blind? Would you?" If your problems are so real and deserve the same amount of respect then surely you would be fine trading places with a person who was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. Surely, of course. It's equal. Right? That's your argument, but see that's not realistic at all. Because I and I'm sure many others can easily see that sometimes when we cry; we're crying about things that are less serious than other things. And that if we approach a topic like this realistically, we can actually feel better by thinking about these things rather than automatically getting upset with people because they point out that other people have greater problems. Like for instance, to get a little personal. As you guys know my spouse and I have had some financial troubles as of late. But I took part in a line of thinking that made me feel a whole lot better and that was as follows. "Gregory, oh person feeling so sorry for themselves. Your youtube channel isn't doing well. Because every time you get a video demonetized the traffic drops by nine-tenths. And unfortunately a huge portion of your videos are demonetized. Also you are learning very painful lessons the hard way in regards to taxes. But Gregory, I ask you this. Would you trade your position with the position of a person who has a very sick child?" And immediately after asking myself this question I thought 'no way'. No way would I want to trade the health of a child for my situation. I would rather be horribly poor than risk the health of a loved one. And in using this line of thinking, I began to feel much-much better. I started to realize you know what, my situation is bad but it could be so much worse. Now just because it can be so much worse, it doesn't mean that we're not allowed to complain. It doesn't mean we're not allowed to feel bad. But it dose mean that we're allowed to feel better about our situation. We human beings are allowed to hurt. We are allowed to react to things in numerous ways but we are also allowed to think of possible solutions to our suffering. In fact your own well being encourages you to think on the bright side rather than just feeling sorry for yourself consistently. But guess what. While happiness isn't always something that a person can easily accomplish; it is almost never a bad choice. So I want you to think about the pain in your life. The sad times. And I want you to think about some of the absolutely horrible things that have happened to people around the world. I then want you to ask yourself what it would be like being them. Like for instance people who lose their homes in hurricanes or people who have to run from their own countries because their countries are at war and their entire families are in danger. You see the reason we make such a big deal about our problems is very likely a product of evolution. It is our way of beginning the problem solving processes. In a child's mind when they drop that ice cream on the ground, that is the most serious and horrible thing that could happen to them. Or so that is how their mind thinks because of a significant lack of life experiences. Just like you freaking out about getting a B on your homework. You take that so seriously because that is your version of an absolutely dreadful problem and taking it so seriously serves the benefit of your future. So you do better on future homework. After all if you had the mentality that things could be so much worse and it is not such a big deal then maybe you wouldn't have as much of a drive to do better in the future. Maybe with this mentality now you wouldn't mind getting a C or a D or flunking out of school all together because you keep thinking 'other peoples problems are far worse'. So for the sake of continuing to succeed in life we make a gigantic problem out of often nothing. I mean when you look at the big picture. Then there is the more healthy option. Which is probably taking your own problems seriously but also acknowledging and respecting the fact that many other peoples problems are far more serious. And while you should do what you can to solve your own problems, you most certainly shouldn't go to someone who it terminally ill and complain to them about your life. As theirs is no doubt far more difficult and they don't need to hear you complaining. So in conclusion, understand that no matter what happens to you the odds are that it could get so-so much worse. And also understand you've in the past you have taken these things so seriously because your natural programming is begging you to fix these problems. Your biology wants you to be at the top of the food chain. It wants you to be your absolute best and for many of us, we can not become the best unless we curse ourselves every step along the way when we fail. But there is an alternate route. There is the route of self awareness. There is the route of instead of emotionally reacting to your problems, logically reacting to your problems. And instead of resorting to some kind of obsession or otherwise emotionally imbalanced response. You could simply go and critically think about what happened and how you could possibly fix it. The truth is on some level our problems matter because they matter to us but maybe we could do something decent for other people who have greater problems than ours. And not act like our problems are equal to theirs. Just because we cry as hard as someone else doesn't mean we understand their pain. In fact there are unimaginable levels of pain that others go through that I have yet to comprehend and so do you. Most of us don't know what it's like to lose a sibling. Most of us don't know what it's like to lose a significant other to their mortality. Most of us don't know what it's like to get our legs blown off overseas. Most of us don't understand true struggle. True struggle is not getting rejected by the cute boy at school. True struggle is not getting upset over the fact that you are not the valedictorian. For many of us the older we get the wiser we get. The more numb we become to our previous problems. The less emotional many of us tend to be. The more efficient we become as we now react to our problems logically instead of emotionally. Someone needs to be calm. Someone needs to address these issues with a level head. And that is why I'm encouraging you to all acknowledge the simple reality, that people who say the suffering of individuals who have loss less is equal to those who lost more. Those people haven't gone deep enough in this topic and realized it's all a result of our programming. Part of some wild design to keep us moving forward beyond our control. But it's gotten to the point where some of us are far better than our programming and some of us know a better way to handle our problems. I know in many cases it can be difficult but if you think about it, most problems only conquer you if you let them. I hope you'll try to not let most of your future problems take away your happiness. Sometimes you gotta look at the screwed up things that happen in life and just smile. Because if you don't let these situations rob you of your happiness, then these situations are that much less powerful. Regardless I feel like I have more than expressed my point and I thank you so much for watching all of this. I hope you have an absolutely lovely day.

[soul-dwelling-not]

We’re losing the DREAM Act. You didn’t vote Clinton? This is your fault.

Last night, many of us on the left were horrified as a Republican likely will end the DREAM Act. People will be removed from this nation, that has been their home throughout most of their childhood and throughout all of their adult life.

But not all of us on the left were horrified enough to focus our attention on this problem.

Last night, others decided a web site targeting Clinton voters was more worthy of outrage.

“Clinton needed to earn my vote.” No, she did not: you just think blaming one person is easier than blaming millions of registered voters who thought letting Trump in was acceptable.

I am mass-blocking certain people who want to turn every horrible Republican action by Trump into an excuse to debate whether Clinton or Sanders should have received the nomination.

If looking at the candidate choices you thought the risk of Trump was not enough to persuade you to vote Clinton, then you’re a fool.

Nothing Clinton could have done would have been as bad as Trump--yet you withheld your vote because your conscience told you that your responsibility ended with voting. No. Your responsibility starts at voting--and continues with always pressuring the people in office, whether or not you voted for them, to take the actions you think are best for the protections of everyone’s rights but especially those who are most marginalized.

Voting for Clinton would have continued all that was good in Obama’s policies and would have been a check against any awful legislation Republicans attempted to pass, such as repealing health care protections and trans protections. Clinton would not fix problems you saw--and it was your responsibility to elect people who pushed her to the left, and it was your responsibility to push her to the left with protests, a future primary of her and any Democrats running, writing to her and legislators, and campaigning not just for candidates but for specific acts of legislation.

Instead, others last night decided to complain “The 65 million who voted Clinton doesn’t represent me, because I didn’t vote for her.”

Or “She didn’t earn my vote.”

Fuck you.

You didn’t vote for Clinton? Then you helped Trump get into office with a minority of the national popular vote thanks to numerous Republican-led voter suppression tactics to give him enough Electoral College votes.

And instead of focusing your time on restoring the Voting Rights Act, supporting the DREAM Act, protesting, campaigning for people on the left (Democrat or otherwise) to replace Republicans, you’re complaining online that still, almost a year after the 2016 election, that Clinton didn’t earn your vote so you withheld it. This is how you choose to spend your time, while someone is crying because Nazis are normalized, because health care is at risk, because LGBTQ persons are devalued by their own government, because children of immigrants risk being exiled from their own nation, because Houston’s survival is in the hands of someone who is removing funds from clean-up to build a useful wall that immigrants still can bypass, and on and on.

Everything Trump does is the fault of anyone who could have voted and did not vote Clinton: his voters, third-party voters, and anyone who stayed at home and did not make every effort, despite voter suppression, to get their ballot cast.

In a primary, a candidate earns your vote. After that primary, whoever on the left has the best chance of winning deserves your vote, not because our goal is to stop Republicans but because that is the first step--as we have seen, after Trump, W., Reagan, and Nixon, that no Republican deserves any office in this nation. The next step is to constantly work for better policies.

But some of you, rather than combat what Trump is doing now, would rather complain about Clinton for another 3 years. Your time spent on Twitter complaining about a fucking pro-Clinton web site, or complaining about one qualified candidate and not those voters who were too lazy, foolish, privileged, and otherwise inhuman to vote for her if just to offset a Republican vote and to prevent this fascist from getting into office--you are awful people. Your priorities are awful, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

I’m mass-blocking these fools on social media--don’t bother contacting me, I don’t want to hear your refusal to take responsibility for not voting for Clinton. If you dare to say one word to me, you’re blocked--end of discussion. Your words do not deserve to spread, and until you change your priorities, I am not going to respond to your nonsense and give you a platform on my accounts. Come back when you realize whoever on the left has the best chance of beating a Republican--whether they are a Democrat or a third-party candidate--deserves your vote. And since that was Clinton, if you didn’t vote for her, shut up, and let the rest of us fix the mess you created.

[mst3kproject]

519: Outlaw

I don't want to talk about the Gor books.  I don't think I need to talk about them – there's plenty to mock in Outlaw without going into its source material.  Anyway, if I were going to talk about them I'd have to read them, and everything I've ever heard about them tells me that I definitely don't want to do that.  They sound like a Fifty Shades of Grey for basement-dwelling misogynist nerd stereotypes.

A couple of assholes named Watney (no relation to the guy who got left behind on Mars) and Cabot (no relation to the author of The Princess Diaries) are on their way to a bar when they are forced to make a detour into another dimension.  Fortunately, this is a sequel: Cabot has been here before and so rather than dying of thirst in the desert, they find their way to the cardboard city of Coroba. There, the two become embroiled in a plot by Queen Lara to murder her husband and seize power.  She imprisons Watney and the rightful heir, Princess Talena, and sends a bounty hunter to capture the escaped Cabot.  After much pointless wandering around, the conspiracy is revealed.  The bounty hunter kills Lara, Cabot marries Talena and becomes king, Watney is sent back to Earth, and Zeno the High Priest does basically nothing despite being played by the only cast member anybody in the audience has ever heard of.

Quick Note: the 'desert snake' that appears in one shot appears to be a Burmese python, a semi-aquatic species that lives in the rainforests of southeast Asia.  They could not have gotten that more wrong if they'd tried.

Besides that stunning failure of herpetology, the thing about this movie that most sticks in my mind is the kissing.  Cabot and Talena share several kisses.  They're supposed to be epic and passionate, but there's something weirdly mechanical about them, like we're watching exaggerated stop-motion animation of a kiss. It's as if neither Urbano Barberini nor Rebecca Feratti have any actual experience of kissing, and are trying to kiss based on having read an anatomical study of the muscles involved.  Gross.

After that, the second thing I remember about the movie is how incredibly fake everything in it looks.  Cabot's flashback tells us that Gor is a harsh world, and it breeds harsh people – this is supposed to be a gritty, raw, half-savage place, where the aristocracy wallow in decadence while the common folk toil in the mud, and where death is always a just a hair away.  The sets and costumes are admittedly elaborate, and there is at least some unity of design (unlike, say, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell, where they just used whatever they could find in the prop warehouse), but everything looks like it was made in a high school art class.  King Marlenus' crowns appear to be made of cardboard and hot glue, spray-painted gold.  Talena and the 'Leather Women' look like they're wearing bondage gear from Spencer's Gifts, while the dancers are in 'sexy genie' Hallowe'en costumes.  The entire city of Coroba is built out of plywood, except for the parts that are built from styrofoam (hence why the slaves are being worked to death in the styrofoam mines).  That stupid 'lizard woman' face painted on the wall looks like the work of a twelve-year-old who has just learned how to grid out facial proportions.

The biggest problem with Outlaw, however, is one that only becomes obvious after a little thought.  Having pondered the film's story for a while, trying to figure out why it seems so pointless, I eventually realized – it's because Cabot, our ostensible hero, never does anything.

Well, that's not quite true.  He does a couple of things, but nothing he does ever matters.  He beats up some sand Nazis when they first arrive on Gor, but that has absolutely no connection with the rest of the plot.  He gets himself and Watney to Coroba, where he is conveniently present to be framed when Lara murders her husband.  Afterwards he flees into the desert where he and his sidekick Hup get lost and wander in circles for a while.  They find a group of slavers chasing people in the middle of nowhere for some reason, and stage a jailbreak which frees exactly one slave.  Then they're caught by the bounty hunter and taken back to Coroba, where both Lara and Zeno try to bargain for Cabot's loyalty and fail.  The villains lose not because of him, but because they turn on each other.  The whole movie could have happened just fine even if Cabot never bothered to show up.

It's not like there weren't opportunities for him to do something.  Cabot could have gotten the slaves in the desert camp to rise up against their captors, and then rallied them into an army to storm Coroba.  He didn't do that.  He could have snuck back into the city to free Talena and get the support of the people to put her on the throne.  He didn't do that either.  He could have pretended to join forces with Zeno against Lara, or Lara against Zeno, or just killed Lara when she tried to seduce him.  Didn't do that.  He could have led a revolt in the styrofoam mines after the cave-in sowed discontent with the regime.  Didn't do that either. Cabot seems to spend the whole movie waiting around for a chance to do something heroic, but every time one arrives he lets it pass by.

What about any of the other 'good' characters?  An old wizard called the Elder was the one who brought Cabot and Watney to Gor, in the hopes that they would accomplish something.  He gets stabbed by Lara before he can tell them what.  Talena spends most of the movie in a dungeon.  She maims a couple of dominatrices but that's about it for her.  Hup follows Cabot around, complaining about how hot, hungry, and lost they are.  Watney, too, rots in jail, out of sight and out of mind, for ninety percent of the film – then at the final showdown, he announces to the public that Lara murdered King Marlenus.  This is what brings about the end of the movie, as the bounty hunter kills her with a spear and Cabot and Talena are able to become King and Queen.  That's right, folks – the only ‘hero’ character in the movie who does anything directly to overthrow Lara is fucking Watney.

Watney deserves some kind of award for being probably the most hateable single character ever to appear on MST3K – and that's saying something.  His competition includes such nails-on-chalkboard specimens as various Gamera kids, the peeping soldiers from Attack of the The Eye Creatures, and Mitchell, but Watney blows them all away.  He's a sexist pig, a whiny asshole, and a fucking idiot combined.  Lara promises to make him a king and he seriously expects her to follow through on it, even still shouting threats at the guards who drag him away.  Yet at the end, when he, Cabot, Hup, and Talena are all about the be executed, he's the only person who responds proactively.  The movie would have ended the same way without Cabot, but not without Watney.  I guess that makes him the hero.  What a horrible thought.

So much for the good guys.  How about the villains?  Zeno mixes potions and has passive-aggressive arguments with Lara, but she gets fed up and kills him before he can really take any action against her.  Lara herself is a cartoon character – she's evil, and that's one hundred percent of her personality and motivation.  There is exactly one line in the movie that hints at a backstory for her. She claims that she had to learn the hard way that power is all that matters.  This suggests that she may have been a slave herself before rising to her current position, and if it had been explored a little this could have made something interesting out of her.  Historical parrallels could be drawn to Anne Boleyn or Irene Sarantapechaina, a former concubine using royal authority to punish those she feels have abused her.

But nobody else in this movie has more than one dimension, so why should she?  She seems interested in nothing but power for its own sake.  The reponsibilities that come with wielding it are entirely immaterial to her – she just wants to tell people what to do and then watch as they are forced to do it regardless of whether it actually makes any sense.  In fact, a number of the things she does, such as ordering the slaves to be locked in during the cave-in at the styrofoam mine, seem to have no purpose beyond exercising this total authority.  It's as if she wants to be surrounded by people who despise her, while she enjoys the fact that they can't do anything about her.  Imagine if she had a twitter account.

Then there's the most nonsensical character of all, the bounty hunter.  I think his name is Horst.  Lara hires him to bring Cabot and Hup back, he does so, she pays him, and he leaves.  It seems like his role in the story is done, but then he turns up again at the finale to kill Lara for no reason other than Watney said so.  I was sure this scene had to be otherwise motivated.  MST3K must've cut the bit where we find out she cheated him out of money or something – but no, apparently he just decided that it was time for the movie to end.  Maybe he's the hero.

The movie, however, treats Cabot as the hero throughout, so I suppose Cabot is the person it wants us to emulate.  What does that mean?  I guess it means that when evil appears to have triumphed, all we need to do is keep our heads down and wait it out.  We can put up with other people doing terrible things as long as we don't explicitly support them, and occasionally make some small show of loyalty to good, and sooner or later somebody else will topple the evil for you.  White-Liberal-est movie ever.

See what I meant?  There's heaps to complain about in Outlaw, and I didn't have to mention the books once.

[not-another-imagine-blog]

Surprise! (Auston Matthews)

Anonymous said:

Can you do an Auston Matthews imagine where his long term gf surprises him by coming to visit Toronto and watch him play? Thanks!!

Word count: 1857

You peer out the window of the plane, the city of Toronto shining brightly beneath you. For three years, you had been dating Auston. Your longest time spent apart had been for two weeks every summer when he was away at a team hockey camp. Now that he played for the Leafs, however, it had been four months since you had last seen your boyfriend. Four months since you had gotten to see his face off of a phone screen. Four months since you had been able to hear his corny jokes at the drop of a hat and hold his hand. These had been the longest four months of your life, honestly.

But now you were on your way to Toronto and the best part was, Auston had no idea. It was Auston’s teammate William Nylander that had the idea to surprise him, actually. Auston had been in a funk lately that hadn’t been getting any better. He was getting into more little spats with his teammates; he was more irritable in general, actually; he wasn’t putting up as many points as you-and everyone-knew he had the potential to put up and; the issue that was of most concern to you, he wasn’t talking to his teammates nearly as much. Instead, he spent nearly all of his time texting you, or calling you, or Snapchatting you, or FaceTime-ing you. While you loved everything about Auston and your conversations, it was very time-consuming to always be talking to him while you were busy with other activities, and you were worried about him.

That was where Willy came in. He had called you and asked if you would consider flying up to Toronto to surprise Auston during one of your school breaks. Actually, he said that the whole team wanted you to come up. It was a team decision, he said, and everyone knew that he was just really missing you.

You booked your ticket right after the phone call.

It had been tough to keep this from Auston. You hated keeping secrets from him, and with the two of you always talking, you knew that he would suspect something was up if you didn’t respond to him for the duration of the flight. So you concocted yet another lie and told him that you had a migraine and were going to take a nap to try and get rid of it. Auston understood but, with him being in the mood that he is, he wasn’t too happy about it.

The plan was that William was going to take Auston with him to the airport, telling Auston that one of William’s sisters was coming to visit and that William needed help with her bags, since it was an extended stay and his sister was lazy. Auston had complained to you about it, but you had told him to go help William out, knowing that the surprise would be ruined if Auston didn’t go to help. Luckily for you, your boyfriend’s a really nice person.

The second the flight lands, you turn your phone on and call Willy. “Hey, you land yet?” He asks.

“Yes. Are you guys at the airport?”

“Yeah, we’re waiting in the main baggage area.” You grab your carry-on from the holder and stand up, waiting to exit your row.

“How’s Auston?”

“The same, as usual.” You can tell Willy is being nondescriptive so as not to raise Auston’s attention.

“Alright, I’ll see you in just a couple minutes. Thank you for this, Willy.”

“Yeah, it’s no problem! We’ll see you in a few.” You hang up as you get off the plane, briskly walking down the tunnel to get to your boyfriend.

You basically run to the escalators, desperate to see Auston now that you know he’s so close. You know that everyone probably thinks you’re crazy with the way you’re bending down to try and see him, but you don’t care. You’ve missed Auston, and you’re just ready to be with him again face to face.

As the escalator descends, you crane your neck to get a glimpse at your boyfriend. And suddenly, there he is. His dark hair is slicked back as he and Willy look out the big windows facing the tarmac. Your heart leaps when you see him run a hand through his tussled hair. Quickly, you grab your phone and text Willy.

‘Turn around!’

Willy’s the first one to turn, grinning and waving once he sees you step off of the escalator. Auston, who is still under the impression that you were really a Nylander, takes a few seconds longer to turn around. Once he does, though, your eyes start filling with tears.

Auston’s jaw drops open as his hands fly up to his head in disbelief. He looks at Willy, who nods, and then back to you.

“Oh my God! Seriously?” You hear him say as he starts to walk towards you. You can just barely see Willy lifting his phone up, apparently recording you, as you drop your bag, sprinting to Auston. Auston runs and meets you in the middle, lifting you up and kissing you fiercely. You hold onto him tightly, relishing in everything that makes up Auston. His strong arms, the soft lips that always kiss you just right, his cologne. Auston was home to you, and being in his arms made up for all the months of separation. You and he are both crying when he finally sets you down after almost two full minutes.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, pulling you in for a hug.

“I missed you, and you’ve been in such a mood lately that I figured now would be the perfect time for my first visit to Toronto.” You grin as he holds you close, savoring the moment.

“You’ve been able to tell I’m in a mood?” He asks sheepishly.

“Auston, even my mom has noticed you’ve been in a mood. She said it’s lucky we have unlimited texting or else the phone bill would be astronomical!” You laugh. Auston walks with you to Willam, never letting his hands leave you.

“So your sister’s not coming?” He asks William, who shakes his head.

“Nope. Unless you have a surprise for me.” He jokes as the three of you head towards the baggage claim.

“Did you plan this?”

“Well, it was the whole team-”

“He totally planned this.” You interject. Auston laughs, clapping Willy on the shoulder.

“Thank you, man. I really appreciate this, you have no idea.” Willy shrugs.

“You can thank me when we’re holding the Cup at the end of the season.” Auston thanks Willy again before kissing you. Of course, you weren’t complaining about all of the affection.

You and Auston sit in his car, relishing in the quiet and in each other’s company.

“Have I really been that bad?” Auston asks you.

“Auston, we’ve sent each other 3,000 texts this month. Of course, I’m half responsible for those-”

“A quarter responsible.” Auston cuts you off. “You all act like I don’t know how I’ve been acting. I know that everyone’s disappointed that I haven’t been putting up as many points as I was at the beginning of the season.”

“Auston, don’t say that! You’re 18, okay? We’re 18. We’re just kids, Auston. I think that your coach is going to understand you just getting in a mood. All hockey players get in funks, especially the young ones. Honestly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner.” You admit.

“Really?” You nod.

“You’re not the only one who’s been affected by your jump to the NHL.” You say quietly.

“Oh, (Y/N).” He breathes out. “Have I really been ignoring how you felt?” He asks.

“I don’t know, I guess I was kind of ignoring it too. You were just so miserable that I wanted to make sure you were feeling okay. You’re an NHL superstar now, and I’m just a senior in high school still. Your productivity is a lot more important than mine. Besides,” You chuckle. “I’ve just been able to write it off as senioritis.”

“Oh my God.” He groans, rubbing his forehead. “I literally haven’t asked how you’ve been or what’s been going on in your life in months! Why did you let me act like this?” He complains.

“Auston, it’s fine-”

“No, it’s really not! How’s your family? How are you? Did first semester go alright? How have your extracurriculars been? Have your friends been treating you well? Have you gone to any parties this year? How’d the football team do? Do you go to a lot of games this year? Have you been feeling okay? I heard there was a flu going around. Have you picked a college yet?” He gasps suddenly in the middle of his babble. “(Y/N), you got fucking Homecoming Queen!” He says, remembering your excited Instagram and Twitter posts a few months back.

“That one I did tell you.”

“I don’t remember you telling me; that’s horrible of me! I should have congratulated you, I should’ve at least posted about my amazing girlfriend or something! But no, instead I whine and mope to you about my own dumb problems. I’ve been such a terrible boyfriend to you. I’m surprised that you even spent money to come and see me.” He grabs your hands. “I am so, so sorry.”

“Auston, you don’t have to apologize.”

“Yes, I absolutely do. I’ve been such a shitty boyfriend; I honestly can’t believe myself. Please tell me every little thing that’s gone on in your life lately.” He pleads. You grin.

“You really want every little detail?” You ask. He nods.

“Please. I want to hear everything that you would have told me had I not been so terrible to you.” You laugh.

“My family’s fine, I’m fine, I got a 4.0 last semester, extracurriculars are good; I got student body President and the lead in the fall musical-”

“I would’ve come to see it!” Auston whines.

“You guys were on an Eastern road trip.” You debate. “My friends have been great, I’ve only gone to a couple parties this year, football team lost every game as always, I do go to a lot of games this year, I had the flu three weeks ago-”

“(Y/N)!”

“-but I’m fine now.” You continue, ignoring Auston and instead giving him what he wants. “And...I’m actually considering going to University of Toronto.” You finish.

“Really?” He asks.

“I don’t know, it’s a good school, beautiful location, and I’ve heard the people here are really cute.” You smile at him.

“You would really move to Toronto for me?”

“Let’s face it; I’m going to move in with you sooner or later. Might as well do it now instead of waiting until I finish college and spending four more miserable years away from you.”

“I love you so goddamn much.” Auston mumbles, pulling you into a hug.

“I love you too, Auston. Now,” You pull away. “Can we get something to eat? I’m starving and I want a tour of the city.” Auston grins.

“I know just the guy to show you around.”

[biofunmy]

Behind Twitter’s Plan To Get People To Stop Yelling At Each Other

SAN FRANCISCO — In March, Twitter cofounder Biz Stone tweeted a screenshot of an iPhone homescreen along with a message: “Notice our new prototype? … It’s called ‘twttr.’ The bird flew away from the app icon representing: Simplicity. Blue sky thinking. We’re re-working. Not there yet: hence, no logo.”

Twitter, predictably, immediately dysregulated in response. “Most moronic design decision ever made.” “It’s horrible.” “Awful.” The most viral reply leaned on a popular Twitter trope to poke fun at the platform’s inability to ban bad actors: “everyone: get rid of the Nazis. yall: we got rid of the logo.”

And yet, it was all a misunderstanding. Twitter hadn’t changed its icon at all. It launched a separate app, “twttr,” as an external, public prototype to experiment with new features it’s considering rolling out on Twitter itself; a way to test things in public. Stone clarified: “Folks, the bird isn’t going away from Twitter.”

The entire episode was a microcosm of Twitter’s larger problems, some of which this new prototype itself is meant to address: everyone yelling, and no one talking. “Little t” twttr is a part of the company’s grand plan to treat the platform’s underlying issues, rather than just its symptoms. The idea is that what it learns from small-t twttr will help big Twitter foster conversations, rather than outrage.

Thanks to its open, freewheeling public platform, and stance on free speech, Twitter has been a hothouse for ginning up disinformation, harassment, and outrage. A lot of these problems were caused, the company’s leadership believes, by product decisions made early in its existence. And in very Silicon Valley fashion, the San Francisco–based company is now trying to solve these institutional problems with product fixes, without killing its platform’s open, real-time magic. But it isn’t exactly sure what those fixes are, and it knows that massive changes to its product, rolled out widely, might even make things worse. So, yes, the company is fundamentally overhauling its product, but it’s starting with baby steps on twttr.

Over several days this spring, BuzzFeed News met with Twitter’s leadership and watched as twttr’s team worked on its first big push: helping people better understand what’s being said in often chaotic conversations. The team thinks that if people took more time to read entire conversations, that would help improve their comprehension of them. Maybe they wouldn’t jump to react. Maybe they’d consider their tone. Maybe they’d quit yelling all the time.

Or maybe, not even thousands of deeply studied, highly tested product tweaks will be enough to fix the deep-seated issues with a culture more than 13 years in the making.

Jason Henry for BuzzFeed News

Cody Elam, senior user researcher, at the Twitter office in San Francisco, May 8, 2019.

A couple of weeks after Stone’s tweet, and after about 4,700 people had been using the new twttr prototype, Twitter senior user researcher Cody Elam was at work, late, looking at a massive spreadsheet. He had spent the past week collecting and reviewing every single piece of feedback — 600 tweets and 1,986 survey responses — from the program’s initial participants and, now, was tasked with identifying the most salient, important themes among their comments.

The twttr team began by testing what happens if the app more clearly shows who’s replying to whom. They also hid likes and retweet counts — Twitter’s primary incentives — behind a tap to put the primary focus on reply text. Now they were about to see, for the first time, what people thought.

Some of that initial feedback said that the bubbly design made Twitter feel more like a chat, and that it was easier to understand who was responding to what. Others were confused by the different colors labeling replies (blue for people you follow, and black for the original tweet’s author). People generally seemed to like the new design, Elam deduced, except for one change that received a more mixed response: hiding the metrics.

Nicole Nguyen / BuzzFeed News

Left: A screenshot of the chat bubble design from the first version of twttr, captured on March 12, 2019. Right: A screenshot from version two of twttr, featuring a more minimalist, “family tree-style” reply design, captured on May 14, 2019.

This wasn’t entirely unexpected. It was a step that they had suspected would not be popular, at least at first, but was maybe a necessary sacrifice to nudge its users in the right direction. Some of twttr’s first testers were feeling unnerved about the like and retweet buttons, and their counts, which had been seemingly removed from replies. In a meeting at Twitter’s San Francisco headquarters with the 13-person team behind twttr, Elam presented the users’ concerns.

“There’s a critical group of people — 20% or so — who are saying, ‘I prefer the way that likes are displayed in the main app,’” he told the group. “For some people, they feel like it’s more work when they don’t have something to anchor to. Like, if I’m looking at different replies, where should I draw my eye to, in terms of the popularity of tweets?”

While some users said the new design made replies “more equal,” others complained they couldn’t gauge the importance of replies without doing more work (that extra tap).

“Twitter already ranks replies based on some of that like and retweet data, and so if that information is removed, it may be confusing why you’re seeing one reply versus another,” posited Sara Haider, who is leading the twttr efforts.

Jason Henry for BuzzFeed News

Left: Sara Haider, director of product management. Right: Lisa Ding, senior product designer.

A week later, at another feedback review session, Elam told the group that a significant enough number of testers in Japan, Twitter’s other major market outside the US, also opposed the hidden like and RT counts, but for a different reason. Japan-based user researcher Kiyo Yamamuchi explained that some Japanese users actively avoid engaging with popular replies to avoid exposure that would attract attacks or abuse.

With the feedback in mind, Haider challenged the team “to think about that user need to understand which tweet is more important or worth my time, and see if there are other ways we can solve that, other than numbers.”

Jack Dorsey, Twitter’s CEO, has been outspoken about removing engagement metrics, because of how they encourage users to be outrageous in order to rack up more likes, retweets, and followers, and prompt readers to look for them. In an August 2018 interview with the Washington Post, Dorsey said, “The most important thing that we can do is we look at the incentives that we’re building into our product. Because they do express a point of view of what we want people to do — and I don’t think they are correct anymore.”

Haider and her twttr team are hoping to “nudge” people’s behavior in another way. Their hypothesis: Making the design for replies as minimal as possible, in addition to revealing how the conversation’s participants are related to you, may encourage people to read the entire back-and-forth before they react.

“We have this opportunity to learn about how not having [likes and retweets] could potentially change how people read things,” said senior product designer Lisa Ding. “Does it make you read something that you maybe would have guessed to be popular but actually isn’t that popular? How does that change the way you interact in a conversation? That’s super interesting.”

In its early years Twitter optimized for engagement, which engagement features (replies, and the like and retweet buttons) and metrics (number of followers, likes, retweets, and replies) help to deliver. So now it’s trying to shift what it encourages people to do.

Jason Henry for BuzzFeed News

Ding’s sketches for the new thread design

Twitter is not alone in this. Tech leaders across the industry are rethinking the role of their platforms’ incentives, in response to mounting criticism that technology platforms do more harm than good. Instagram is running a test where like counts are hidden to followers, but are viewable by the post’s account holder. Head of Instagram Adam Mosseri told BuzzFeed News that the test wasn’t about incentivizing specific behavior but “about creating a less pressurized environment where people feel comfortable expressing themselves” and focus less on like counts.

For Twitter, part of the rationale behind running an external-facing prototype with experimental features, in full view of its competitors, is easing users into the new design. “We are fundamentally changing how Twitter works. … We need for people to have some exposure to it,” said Haider.

Twitter

Twitter is exploring a new design for what it calls “replystorms,” or a conversation involving a back-and-forth between two people, to make them easier to read.

People typically don’t take kindly to changes, especially ones that come without warning. In 2009, Facebook users revolted so strongly to the introduction of the News Feed (which some groups called an “invasion of privacy”) that CEO Mark Zuckerberg personally responded, “Calm down. Breathe. We hear you.” So to avoid taking users by surprise with a big change, and instead of developing a product secretly inside of Twitter’s walls, Haider wants to take users along for the ride: “We need people who aren’t even in the program to read the press articles and think, ‘I am now mentally prepared for this change.’”

Haider’s team is considering future features that may be even more controversial than hidden likes. Two ideas they’re exploring: optional “presence indicators” that show people when you’re online or typing, and being able to add a status that lets people know what you want to talk about.

Jason Henry for BuzzFeed News

A sign at the Twitter office in San Francisco, May 8, 2019.

There are many challenges with fixing Twitter, but the primary issue has to do with the form of Twitter itself. It’s an extremely complex product: Every reply is itself a tweet, and every tweet can be infinitely replied to. Conversations can be hard to read, let alone understand, and that misunderstanding contributes to a lot of the repetitive first responses to tweets, reply dogpiling, and knee-jerk reactions — like the kind that flooded Stone’s mentions — that fuel the platform’s outrage cycle.

One user, @matthewreid, replying to Stone, summed up the issues facing Twitter nicely: “A quick scroll through many of these replies illustrates what made this place I love so toxic. Bullying. Mob mentality. Insufferable knowitalls.” Twitter CEO Dorsey has admitted the same himself: “I also don’t feel good about how Twitter tends to incentivize outrage, fast takes, short term thinking, echo chambers, and fragmented conversation and consideration.”

“Like, imagine being in a room and talking to a billion people. It’s chaos.”

“Having conversations that anyone can see and anyone can participate in is a really awesome super power that needs to feel really simple despite its complexity behind the scenes,” Twitter product lead and Periscope cofounder Kayvon Beykpour told BuzzFeed News. “Like, imagine being in a room and talking to a billion people. It’s chaos.“

To reduce the chaos, the twttr prototype is reimagining what Twitter could look like. “What are the mechanics that we allow you to do right at the surface versus one tap away? We are essentially rethinking paradigms that have been the case for 13-plus years,” Beykpour explained.

Much of Twitter’s efforts related to abuse and harassment are incorporated directly into the main Twitter app, but some concepts in twttr’s pipeline are in service of something directly related to harassment: trying to change the tone of replies. According to Dorsey, replies are one of the shared spaces where abuse happens the most on Twitter. In a potential upcoming feature, if you tap on an avatar while you’re reading a reply, a profile card showing more information about the tweet’s author appears alongside their tweet.

Twitter

The twttr team is considering a new test that would show a profile card alongside a tweet to give people more context about who wrote the tweet.

Haider explained, “If you can see who you’re replying to, then you may change the tone in which you reply. I know this anecdotally, when people tweet shit to me, and I respond, right? Imagine if in this reply state, you could actually see ‘oh, this person’s a father of two.’”

Beykpour acknowledged that the feature feels “tiny” but said Twitter is starting to “tug on this string” related to empathy: “How do you surface context around who this person is, but ideally also give you a little bit of empathy around who you’re talking to? It’s harder to have an uncivil dialogue with someone that you know a little bit more about than if it was an anonymous face.”

“It’s harder to have an uncivil dialogue with someone that you know a little bit more about than if it was an anonymous face.”

He added, “Civility is one really important aspect of [healthy conversations]. It’s very difficult for people to feel like they can speak freely, if they don’t feel safe enough to speak in the first place.”

Twitter is investing a lot of effort into making the experience on its platform better and more delightful (hello, cherry blossom like button), but it still has a lot to overcome with abuse and harassment, as well as issues that don’t have a simple fix — like tone and, more generally, sexism on the internet. A product overhaul can’t change the primary source of harassment on its platform: its own users.

Jason Henry for BuzzFeed News

A hashtag in the design department at the Twitter’s San Francisco office, May 8, 2019.

Like a lot of people, Tracy Chou, the CEO of Block Party, a company working on solving abuse and harassment online, has herself been subject to much targeted harassment on Twitter. “Group direct messages are the new spam vector. One of the group threads in my DMs looked like it was a bunch of college students, white men, who seemed to know each other, and were talking about how easy it would be to murder me,” Chou told Buzzfeed News.

If you have open direct messages, you can’t restrict specific accounts from sending you DMs unless you block them, which Chou says, is an example of a feature designed to protect users that doesn’t actually work in practice. “Blocking is aggressive and visible to the other person. That sometimes will set them off and cause them to harass you more, or use it as a trophy,” she said.

Chou also explained how retweeting and quote-tweeting are product features that can easily be turned into tools of abuse — and counter-abuse: “If some asshole says something racist, sometimes I’ll quote-tweet them, and say “no.” My followers will fight my battle on my behalf. But [quote-tweeting] can also be used to target harassment by people who have a lot of followers and want to sic their followers on a specific individual.” In 2016, conservative writer Milo Yiannopoulos was banned for inciting his followers to flood Ghostbusters actor Leslie Jones’ Twitter account with racist and demeaning mentions.

For users like Chou, the twttr program hasn’t done much to improve their Twitter experience so far. “I mainly find it harder to read replies,” Chou said. She added that the user image and username size have been minimized in the prototype, which isn’t helpful when trying to identify replies from known trolls. A Twitter spokesperson said the twttr team is testing different sizing and presentation for avatars and display names.

Jason Henry for BuzzFeed News

Left: Notes on a whiteboard regarding the company’s product priorities overall. Right: An LED unicorn on a desk at the Twitter office.

“Everything these companies do, at first, is driven by the short-term desire to stake a small share of the attention economy and to engage users just long enough to attract early funding. Only later does the medium view start to matter, and the long view doesn’t matter at all until very late in the game,“ explained Adam Alter, author of Irresistible, a book about the rise of addictive technology. “Most of the changes Twitter and other platforms are making now are fairly small. They aren’t going to change usage patterns much — but they’re a step in the right direction.”

As someone who has used twttr for over two months, the new design does feel like a change for the better. In replies, the eye-catching magenta “author” label makes it easy to scan for additional comments from the tweeter. The “family tree” lines denoting different threads are useful. If there are two “debate me” trolls shouting at each other in one thread, you can easily scroll down, gloss over the entire back-and-forth, and jump into the next one. In a future iteration of twttr, you’ll even be able to collapse conversations more easily.

But the twttr effort isn’t just about improving the product experience. There’s a business motivation, too. Haider thinks that the final changes, if and when they are rolled out to the main Twitter app, will ultimately lead to more tweeting: “Obviously with a better conversational experience, people will use [Twitter] more and they’ll get more value out of it, which is what we’re trying to aim for.”

Twitter

Twitter explored multiple views for conversations in twttr. The first version included the chat bubble design shown on the top left. After trying different iterations, including one inspired by stops on a subway map (“a good analogy for the complexity of Twitter’s conversation problems”), senior product designer Lisa Ding arrived at the family tree–inspired design on the bottom right for twttr version two.

While Twitter has been consistently profitable since early 2018, the company said in the first quarter of the year that its number of monthly active users declined to around 330 million, down 6 million from the same time last year, and said that it would stop reporting monthly active users altogether. To keep users on the platform — and advertising revenue flowing — the company needs to figure out how to make its service a nicer, better place for people to spend their time. In the most recent earnings call, Dorsey called the ability to have conversations on Twitter the platform’s “differentiator” and cited the twttr prototype as progress.

As the internet’s free, most popular platforms — Facebook, YouTube, Twitter — now know, people will use products in ways their inventors didn’t intend them to be used, and with software designed to “scale,” its downsides aren’t apparent until millions of people are using it. Twitter is now trying to undo the features that caused unseen, unanticipated effects — misinformation, trolling, tribalized outrage — by going back to basics.

Whenever you’re in a room with a lot of people talking at once, people raise their voices, so they can be heard. As more people arrive, it becomes cacophony. This is, essentially, what has happened on Twitter: The volume of the conversation has been getting louder and louder for 13 years. Beykpour and Haider’s solution is toning down the background noise, and helping people focus on the conversation right in front of them. But the longer a problem exists, the more intractable it becomes. Which means it is ultimately up to Twitter’s hundreds of millions of users to decide whether it is even possible to have a real conversation amid its din, or if the only answer is to shout louder. ●

Sahred From Source link Technology

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[d2kvirus]

Dickheads of the Month: November 2018

As it seems that there are people who say or do things that are remarkably dickheaded yet somehow people try to make excuses for them or pretend it never happened, here is a collection of some of the dickheaded actions we saw in the month of November 2018 to make sure that they are never forgotten.

Just when you think the current Tory government can’t get any scummier they find new depths to sink to, this time as it emerged that their use of gagging orders wasn’t just last month’s story of how Esther McVey silenced over twenty groups who oppose Universal Credit, oh no, the latest one to emerge was how engineering firm WSP had to sign a non-disclosure agreement expressly forbidding their report into the Grenfell Tower fire from criticising Theresa May or her government - which came to light just weeks after Theresa May claimed she was going to get tough on gagging clauses

Of course Theresa May herself wasn’t above scumminess, not when her address to the Confederation of British Industry featured her claiming how EU nationals “jump the queue” in terms of immigrations, and initially attempted to deny that she had said it - a claim that was somewhat difficult considering that comment had been broadcast by numerous television stations by that point

Bastions of journalistic integrity and not knowing what Photoshop is Newsnight hosted a panel of six members of the public to discuss the merits of Theresa may’s Britait deal, and one of the panel claimed to be a lifelong Tory supporter named Lynn who was wholly behind the deal - but what she neglected to mention was that she was an actress named Marina Lynn Hayter who had previously appeared in several BBC programmes ranging other political programming to working as an extra in EastEnders who also happens to post Islamophobic tweets.  When this came to light the initial response was for Newsnight host Emily Maitlis to tweet patronising comments to anyone who dared think the BBC’s word couldn't not be trusted while editor Esme Wren responded by doubling down on claims that “Lynn” was a legitimate pastor - claims which were rapidly torn to shreds as Hayter’s Twitter feed proves she is a pastor of the Seeds For Wealth Ministries (who definitely aren’t a pyramid scheme...) whose ceremonial garb looks nothing like the Anglican garb she wore on Newsnight, which only begs the question whether she chose to wear that garb and nobody checked if she was genuine or whether Newsnight dressed her up that way

In a desperate attempt to gain sympathy and/or relevance David Cameron said he was “bored shitless” after two years being away from politics and spending most of his time in his shed and he was considering a return to frontline politics, possibly as Foreign Secretary - apparently failing to understand that the reason that he’s been away from frontline politics for the past two years is because his gamble of an advisory referendum on EU membership backfired horribly due to his incompetent handling of the Remain campaign, especially since he also promised to activate Article 50 if a Leave vote came in, which is the reason he ran for the hills the second his fuckup was readily apparent

Feckless cunt Ivanka Trump scored a spectacular own goal against Team Trump when it emerged she had sent several hundred government emails from her personal e-mail account before initially trying to claim she didn’t realise she had done anything wrong - as if she forgot about her father saying “But her emails!!!!!!” several thousand times during the Presidential campaign whenever any question he couldn’t or wouldn’t answer came up

The past two years of acting like a cockney gangster who thinks he’s gotten away with it to the point he’s rubbing it in the faces of everyone else meant that Arron Banks really looked foolish where, after months of saying he doesn't care what the Electoral Commission says about him, the Electoral Commission referred the investigation into his business dealings to the National Crime Office

...or course, within 24 hours of this, the geniuses at the BBC announced that Banks would be appearing on The Sunday Politics Show, which sails dangerously close to interfering with a criminal investigation, and as expected the whole thing was a farce as it degenerated into Banks using the opportunity to smear Carole Cadwalladr for the umpteenth time as Julia Hartley-Brewer agreed with him the whole time

It seemed the Banksification of the BBC continued apace when Andrew Neil posted a particularly nasty tweet about Carole Cadwalladr that sounded remarkably similar to the tweets Banks has posted about her for the past year or so - and the BBC did not help themselves when their response was to say that, as Neil had deleted the tweet, there was no reason to complain

And the BBC’s dereliction of duty continued apace on Question Time when David Dimbleby made no effort to demand a retraction from Claire Perry when she called Jeremy Corbyn an antisemite

...and finally Andrew Marr decided he wanted part of the action when adopting a needlessly aggressive and downright nasty tone when interviewing Shami Chakrabarti

Compulsive liar Esther McVey had the gall to claim in her resignation letter that she could not be true to herself or the public in accepting Theresa May’s Britait proposal - a week after she told the House of Commons that mental health charity MIND had recognised and welcomed her suggested changes to Universal Credit, which was news to MIND, who had repeatedly criticised Universal Credit due to it having conditions that could stop those with mental health problems receiving benefits, as not only had they not welcomed her changes but she had not even informed them of these changes in the first place.

It appears that Paul Joseph Watson is quite happy on Manor Farm without his master telling him which lies to disseminate, considering he not only happily re-edited the footage of Jim Acosta having the microphone snatched out of his hands by a White House intern so it looked like he was assaulting her (and I’ll get to that in a moment...) but just 24 hours later falsely claimed (as did Laura Loomer and Pamela Geller) the perpetrator of the Thousand Oaks shooting was a Middle Eastern man and not an ex-marine who happened to be white

Doing her bit to unite the people of Mississippi was Cindy Hyde-Smith and her pledge to stand in the front row of a public lynching, which definitely didn’t have any connotations whatsoever considering her opponent Mike Espy happens to be of the ethnic background of people who tended to get lynched in Mississippi

Not only did Laura Loomer think that posting Islamophobic tweets about  newly-elected Minnesota representative Ilhan Omar wouldn’t come back to bite her on the backside, but when Twitter blocked her account for spreading hate speech she responded in the most insane way - by pinning a gold “Jude” star to herself and handcuffing herself to Twitter’s offices in New York, livestreaming the whole thing...which only turned into a humiliation conga line starting with Twitter employees simply walking in and out of the office ignoring her, soon followed by Twitter stating they wouldn’t press charges so she could stay there as long as she liked, the NYPD walking up with a set of bolt cutters and telling her to bugger off, and the bizarre moment where somebody watching ordered pizzas for Loomer and her cameraman only for Loomer to send them away as getting her Twitter back was more important than eating.  And, no, Twitter did not give her account back.

Professional contrarian Piers Moron Morgan obviously needed attention that day when tweeting some utter gibberish on International Men’s Day about radicalised feminists and how men should be manly men at the height of their manliness, all interspersed with him getting increasingly triggered by Little Mix because...nope, no idea whatsoever, but he certainly seemed angry about the whole thing

We got another round of “REEEEEEEEEEEdom of speech” wailing after a group of middle-aged edgelords who burned an effigy of Grenfell Tower because apparently if you can’t post a video of you and several of your friends burning an effigy of a real-life tragedy and using it as an excuse to make Islamophobic comments online without breaking some race-hate laws, what can you do in this country?  Other than what the South Norwood Conservative Club did, which was decide that deleting photos of the individuals from their Facebook page wasn’t enough, and instead they should just delete the whole page

NRA TV’s lead hate preacher Dana Loesch decided to revive a decade-old tweet saying teenagers piss her off to advertise she would be reading out her hate mail, sounding uncannily like the school shooters who benefit from sociopaths such as her and her NRA buddies making it so easy to get hold of an AR-15

Vile mass of blood and organs with a deep-seeded need to be despised Lindsey Graham took it upon himself to patronise Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and say he could educate her about the Holocaust - a comment which saw him slapped down by someone with a far greater understanding of the Holocaust than him, namely the Auschwitz Memorial

It apparently only just dawned on Dominic Raab that the UK is an island that imports the vast majority of its food by sea, primarily from the European Union.  This is somebody who is in charge of the UK’s negotiations to leave the European Union...

Seemingly on a mission to prove that the people most vocal about leaving the EU don’t have a clue Nadine Dorries stated she wouldn’t support Theresa May’s Britait deal as it would mean that the UK wouldn’t have a single MEP...something that’s a bit of a given considering that, by leaving the EU, the UK wouldn;t have a single MEP as they would also be voluntarily leaving the European Parliament

Doing their bit to demonstrate the failings of the American education system were the students of Baraboo school district who celebrated graduation by performing the Nazi salute en masse in their graduation photo

In the wake of a White House intern trying to grab a microphone from the hands of CNN’s Jim Acosta for his free exercise of the press, which I believe is something mentioned in the First Amendment, in their attempts to control the story Sarah Huckabee Sanders claimed Acosta assaulted the intern - and had an obviously doctobered piece of footage from the Squealer to Alex Jones’ Napoleon as quote-unquote proof

It’s hard to feel sorry for Scott Walker being unable to demand a recount for the Wisconsin gubernatorial election in spite losing the vote by just 1.2% to Democrat candidate Tony Evers - mainly because Walker passed a law stating that, if the candidate who finished second lost by more than 1% of the vote, they couldn’t demand a recount

Upon arriving at Luton Airport and learning that the airline he had flown on had lost his self-propelling wheelchair and being offered the use of one of the airport’s standard wheelchairs in order to help him through the airport, instead it occurred to Justin Levine that the best course of action would be to drag himself through the airport on his backside and, once he had left, threatened legal action against the airport - even though those who were responsible for the entire situation were the airline for losing Levine’s chair, and Levine for refusing any attempt at assistance from the airport just so he could make a show of his “struggle” for the person who quite conveniently filmed the entire thing

While it may be his schtick to make asinine arguments that he tries to tie to Trump getting elected, it should have occurred to Bill Maher that posting a blog just days after Stan Lee’s death laying into adults for reading comics and blaming them for Trump’s victory made him sound like a complete prick

Arbiter of what is or isn’t a consensual penis Enzo Amore demonstrated just how well he had gotten over being fired by WWE by buying a ticket for their Survivor Series pay per view, sneaking into the building in a disguise, and during the show jumping on his chair to make a spectacle of himself - for the few seconds before security dragged his sorry ass out of the arena

For the 2018 edition of using Remembrance Sunday as an excuse to bash Jeremy Corbyn the Daily Mail was up in arms that he attended the Cenotaph wearing an anorak - but then again, given MailOnline users were saying Meghan Markle was being “disrespectful” because...something about her face and not knowing her place, sentiments which definitely don’t sound like the dogwhistling of some indignant racists, it’s as if our soldiers died for these idiots to seethe in their sleep

Just an FYI: when Cressida Dick states that a Metropolitan Police investigation into a leaked dossier is not investigating the Labour party, neither the BBC or the Evening Standard should run headlines saying there’s an investigation into the Labour party - especially since the text of their own reports states that’s not the case

Putting the “amateur” in “amateur football team” was the bizarre story that unfolded when Ballybrack FC announced the death of their player Fernando Nuno La Fuente in a traffic accident...which was certainly news to La Fuente 

With his position of Most Inexplicably Popular Youtuber under threat by the rise of T-Series, all that PewDipShit PewDiePie accepted the challenge by spouting all manner of insane conspiracy theories about the legitimacy of their subscriber count and going so far as to pay for billboards to try and raise his visibility, which looked like her was throwing the sort of tantrum not seen since Veruca Salt was told she couldn't have an Oompa Loompa because his precious record was about to fall - which, of course, his brainless followers swallowed whole

Somehow it never occurred to an estimated twenty members of Direct Action Everywhere who marched into a steakhouse to play audio of cattle being slaughtered to the diners while yelling their various slogans that they’re not getting their message across - you're pissing people off and being dickheads while you’re doing it

Oh-so-edge high schooler/Youtuber NathanTheHicc managed the impossible: he managed to give Bethesda some good PR from the trainwreck that is Fallout 76 after he decided the best way to play the game would be to round up a posse who would grief players while yelling homophobic insults at them through voice chat, or engage in “playful immaturity” as he tried to claim it was when slapped with a ban

None of which exonerates Bethesda from the utter shitshow that is Fallout 76, where not only was the game a bug-riddled mess by Bethesda standards to the point a bug in the game’s beta deleted the whole thing from people’s hard drives the second they installed it, but they couldn’t even fulfill expectations for the tat bundled in with a pre-order special edition - and thought the equivalent of a $5 giftcard was sufficient compensation

It should have occurred to Gary Neville that his being widely misquoted with his summary of Tottenham Hotspur (which was mainly to shut up the clueless Jamie Carragher, who doesn’t appear to understand how finance works) that the best course of action would be to let the whole thing blow over.  Instead he got wound up by his failures as manager of Valencia being brought up by Harry Redknapp and fired back with a spreadsheet...which only drew more attention to his failures at Valencia

And finally, hiding behind an intern as he doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, there’s Donald Trump blaming Californians for fires caused by his budget cuts, which shows it’s not just the midterm results he doesn’t have a clue about

[lisarprahl]

5 Life Hacks For Passing the CPA Exam (And Flourishing at Life)

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My name is Robert Eyler and I graduated in December, 2011. I studied for my CPA Exam utilizing Roger CPA and thankfully passed all 4 tests by the end of 2012!

I currently work at RSM and lead the Firm in its National Health and Wellness Initiative. I have been flown out to National Trainings to teach yoga and guided meditation sessions. Additionally, I recently sat on a panel to speak on the topic “Being Successful While Choosing a Different Path.” In addition to being a CPA, I run my own Health & Wellness business (GetFit42). I am a Certified Personal Trainer, Fitness Nutrition Specialist, Corrective Exercise Specialist, Behavioral Change Specialist and a Registered Yoga Teacher.

After passing the CPA Exam, I took a long, hard look in the mirror. There has to be a less stressful, less anxiety-inducing, healthier approach to taking this test and to this profession as a whole, I thought. Fast forward 6 years later, and I found an approach that has worked wonders. And just for you, I have compiled a list of 5 TRIED AND TRUE life hacks that will not only ensure that you crush ALL parts of the CPA Exam, but will also set you up for success post-CPA Exam life, both professionally AND personally!

1. Yoga & Meditation

Simply put, these two practices have changed my life. In addition, they will change yours too! I picked these practices up toward the end of 2016. I had always heard of the benefits of yoga and meditation, but historically thought it was a bit too “out there” for me.  Nonetheless, given my weakened state after the CPA Exam, I decided to give it a shot. Today, I can report, this is one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Yoga

Let me explain a bit about yoga and meditation. In spite of what others might say, you do not need to be any specific religion or believe in any specific ideology to take part in this life-changing practice. Yoga has been proven to enhance mental clarity, brainpower, energy levels, metabolism, feelings of well-being and inner-peace, AND alertness (without caffeine)! Yoga can be found pretty much everywhere and most studios offer up to a FREE week!  Additionally, most have free mats and towels to rent.  You are getting a 100% ROI by giving this life-changing practice a shot! 

Meditation:

This one is a true necessity if you plan to survive as a CPA Exam candidate, an accomplished CPA, a senior, a Manager, or even a Partner!  Google, Facebook, Twitter, and other corporate giants have been known to back this undeniably effective practice!  Meditation has been proven to enhance memory, creativity, and awareness!  Additionally, it can boost individual performance, productivity, and leadership skills!  Personally, I practice meditation 1-3 times per day (minimum), at 10 minutes per session.

Instructions: When the day gets stressful, pause, grab your phone, and set the timer to go off in 10 minutes.  Sit down & keep your back straight (against a wall or chair).  Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold at the top of your inhale for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds and hold at the bottom of your exhale for 4 seconds.  Repeat until timer goes off.  If your mind wanders off (which it certainly will!), simply notice it, forgive it, and calmly bring your focus back to your breathing. 

You may also want to try the Calm Application. This application consists of various meditation topics (i.e. gratitude, empathy, relationships with others, anxiety, stress, etc.) with very soothing music being played in the background. Most of the meditations on this application are ten minutes in length. I recommend starting with the 21 Days of Calm. The first week is FREE! If I still have not convinced you, let it be known that this was rated the #1 App in 2017 and I utilize it every single day!

2. Deep Work

100% of the individuals who study for the CPA Exam have, at one time or another, experienced periods of inattentiveness or difficulty with focusing.

In order to mitigate these bouts of inattentiveness, I offer up the practice of “deep work”, which I stumbled upon while meditating with the Calm App.  With deep work, we are to dedicate pre-set times for uninterrupted work.  Start with 1-2 hours and slowly start to extend the amount of time as you become experienced in this practice.  During these pre-determined work periods, distractions of any kind are to be avoided.  That means turn the phone on DO NOT DISTURB, turn off all notifications, and if possible, disconnect from the internet. By scheduling these periods of extreme, Zen-like focus and flow, we create periods where we are protected from deep distractions. This allows our brain to gather itself into a force of focus. The result is that our attention is concentrated, our work productive, and our time well spent. 

During our study regimen, our sanity requires us to take time-outs to let our minds wander.  This can come in the form of getting caught up on current events, checking Instagram, chatting with colleagues and even going for a short walk (highly recommended!).  Although these time-outs are a necessity, we MUST be sure to schedule time for uninterrupted work during the day.  This practice can be a gift to our study partners as well, because when we dedicate periods to deep work, others (around us) are encouraged to do the same.  Our extreme focus and concentrated energy elevates the vibe of the entire room!

The secrets to success in any human endeavor are extended periods of total concentration, followed by periods of rest, relaxation and meditation!

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3. Jot down 3 things/events/people you are grateful for on a daily basis.  

The human brain thinks roughly 60,000 thoughts per day. Approximately 90% of those thoughts are negative. That may seem like a large percentage, but this is actually deemed “normal.” This is how we successfully evolved as a species, providing us with the tools required to survive the harshest of conditions.  This survival mechanism is ingrained in our DNA, as our brains actively and relentlessly search for that next threat, that next issue, that next problem.  When studying for the CPA Exam, oftentimes, I could not shut my mind off, letting it run wild, stressing and worrying about what would be on my next exam, if I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the exam, or if the AC would be working in the ProMetric Building. Now, what if I told you there was a way to change these negative thought patterns? We actually have the power to re-wire our mentality and train our brains to actively search for the positive in each and every situation.

Here’s how: 

Every day, preferably upon waking up, grab a pen and piece of paper (or journal) and jot down the date, your current location, and 3 things/events/people you are grateful for. It’s really THIS easy! I recommend performing this activity as soon as you wake up! What this means is do not reach for your phone, do not scroll through the Gram, stay away from Facebook, avoid your e-mail, and instead, grab for your journal/piece of paper and get to work!  Practicing gratitude helps train the brain to be more sensitive to the experience of gratitude down the line, and this contributes to improved mental health over time. Sound too good to be true?  It isn’t!  I discovered that practicing this for just 7 continuous days drastically shifted my thought patterns to consciously (and unconsciously) search for the positive in every situation. 

4. Embrace the 74s

The great Jim Rohn once said, “Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.”  In order for each and every one of us to grow, we must first change.  For example, if I receive a 74 on AUD, and I want to pass with a 75, I cannot get there without change.  This means changing my eating habits, my daily routines, and even my weekend festivities.  If I am an Associate who has been getting horrible reviews on all of my jobs, but I want to make Partner one day, I must change the specific activity patterns that are resulting in me receiving horrible reviews so that I can become a more valuable asset to the Firm. 

When failure or change occurs, we have three different options on how to respond.  We can either 1) complain about said change/failure and express how unfair it is that it happened to us, 2) ignore said change/failure, tuck it down deep, and focus on other areas of life to distract us from dealing with it, or 3) accept said change/failure, adapt to our new circumstance(s) and use said change/failure to help better our lives.  If you haven’t already figured it out, I highly recommend choosing option 3. 

After I took audit, I waited an excruciating 6 weeks to receive my score. To my dismay, I received a 74. My initial reaction included emotions of fear, anger, disappointment and frustration. “I studied SO hard, how could I have gotten a 74?!” The funny thing about this situation is that no matter how frustrated, or angry, or disappointed I got, only one thing could change that 74. And that one thing was more hard work, more focus, and more dedication. See, as much as I didn’t agree with the 74, it didn’t matter. Point blank period: I didn’t get it done.  Rather than choosing option 1 or 2 above, I accepted the minor setback, the failed attempt, and painstakingly followed option 3 as noted above. On my next attempt, I passed with an 82! The key here is to drastically modify our perspective and use that 74 as a tool to grow, be, and do better!  

5. Harness the Power of Fear

“I am definitely not ready to sit for my CPA Exam tomorrow. I need more time to study!” For 99% of us, this is typically our thought pattern the day before we sit for the CPA Exam.  Luckily for us, these thoughts don’t represent our true selves. Those thoughts are based in fear and fear is illusory!  Below are a few ways to harness the power of fear, accept it, and utilize said fear to our advantage!

Get uncomfortable with being comfortable:

I read somewhere one time that discomfort is a side effect of growth.  Nothing worth having comes easy and as such, we are bound to feel fearful or uncomfortable when attempting a task that we really want to accomplish!  Fear is a natural part of life and is often ignited over a fear to fail.  That being said, we must fail (multiple times) in order to grow and progress in life.  Be at peace with this fact and understand that every failure gets you one step closer to success!

Embrace it! 

We spend a majority of our working lives trying to avoid fear, and as a result, we end up steering right into it.  The more we focus on the outcomes we fear (failing that exam), the more our brains dwell on and process this information, and we end up on a trajectory aimed straight for that pessimistic assumption! It is normal to feel fear, so we should not try and suppress it.  If we can learn to embrace and examine what exactly is causing this fear, we will learn to overcome it and find positive ways to reach our dreams and goals.

Analyze it:

I suggest to many of my clients when they feel fear to sit with it for a bit and examine it.  Fear can actually help us determine exactly what it is we DO NOT want.  I am a firm believer that the energy and vibes we feel are living things.  Maybe the energy or vibes we picked up from our latest interview didn't go so well or the date we just went on went horrible and we become fearful about how to get out of the next one.  Instead of letting this fear overcome us, we can use it to our advantage by sitting with it, observing & analyzing it, and determining a plan of attack from there!  Essentially, we should take those experiences as lessons and find other ways to achieve positive outcomes.

USE THE FEAR TO YOUR ADVANTAGE: 

When I was studying for my CPA Exam, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  Fear of failing that exam kept me focused and determined to pass it.  When I played football, fear of losing the game lit a fire under me (the fight or flight response kicked in every single game) and allowed me to perform at my absolute best.  We must learn how to use fear to our advantage without letting it paralyze us & consume us, entirely.  And trust me, there is a fine line between the two.

If you’ve made it this far, I am grateful for you! Utilizing these 5 techniques and additional sub-techniques are GUARANTEED to set you up for success not just while sitting for the CPA Exam, but beyond. These guidelines help make you more balanced, energetic, and optimistic! Utilizing these techniques will equip you with the tools needed to live an awesome, happy, and fulfilling life!  

Now, GO CRUSH THOSE EXAMS!

Robert Eyler at the RSM National Experienced In Charge Conference in St. Charles, IL! 

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from Accounting News https://www.rogercpareview.com/blog/5-life-hacks-passing-cpa-exam-and-flourishing-life