#thinking about how caboose drives stick drives me crazy

[docdufresne]

I think its sOOOO funny when you have a super sweet nice silly character have like.

The worst case of road rage or something.

[theabominableblogger]

My Reaction to “Gotham” S4E16

ONLY TWO MORE OF THESE TO GO, KIDDIES!

The rest of these reaction posts I’ll be uploading are not chronological order.  They’re like that because A) college and B) more college.

My sister watched it with me (as well as the other episodes left in my epic “Gotham” reaction series) so my comments will be in bold, and hers will be in regular font.  Author’s notes courtesy of me will be bolded and italicized.

Also, quick warning (and probably obligated to say this), we don’t like Barbara’s storyline.

AN:   I managed to record our reactions to this episode and hopefully I can transcribe what I said into this post. 

*Lee shoots Sofia in the recap*  Oooooohhh!!

But she’s not dead though, apparently!

*sighs*  Nobody’s dead on this show...

And he’s [Jerome] alive!

*flatly*  Was there any doubt.

Meanwhile, at Arkham Asylum...

*The Arkham guard turns on her Walkman*  Oh, this is never a good idea...

*starts slow jamming out to "Fool For You” by Alice Smith*

Yeah headphones are required...

Ohhhh OK...

Because!  *points excitedly at screen when Jervis appears*

*scoffs in hilarity when Jervis tries to talk to the guard, who can’t hear him*

What.

*gasps when one of the guards pops up behind the main guard*

“Tortuga!  You almost gave me a heart attack!”  Tortuga?

*shrugs cluelessly*

*Tortuga slices the guard’s neck*  Ooooooohhhhhhh!!

Jesus God!

Jervis, I like your shorter hair much better.

Tortuga.... *claps hands*  THE MOCK TURTLE!

OH MY GOD!

YEAH!

Wha- oh my God...

*jaw drops in excitement when we see Scarecrow*

[Jervis] I LOVE YOUR NEWSPAPER HAT!

That’s a different actor [playing Scarecrow].  That’s not Charlie Tahan.

*chuckles*  He’s [Scarecrow] experimenting in his toilet.

Did he just put a whole bunch of that sodium stuff in his freaking toilet?

That thing is gonna get blown right off the wall in a matter of minutes.

I know!

*Scarecrow pours that crap on a lock*  Holy shit!

That’s all you were doing with that?!?

*Cue Jerome*  EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Ohhh dear.

EEEEYYYYYY!!!

“When I [Jerome] say ‘three hairs past a freckle,’ gentlemen, I do not mean five hairs past.”  *both immediately smile*

“Boys, boys, let’s not squabble too early in our partnership.  There will be plenty of time to stab each other in the backs later!”  *both chuckle*

“That’s the spirit, boys.  Think big- and kinky.”  *done*

“And lose the weirdo.  She’s [Tortuga] giving me [Jerome] the heebie jeebies.”  *trying her absolute damndest not to laugh*

*laughs*  Stop calling us out!

*both yell in horror when Tortuga slices her own neck*

“Now, to free the rest of our cronies and blow this pop stand.”  WELL DANG!

It’s “Popsicle stand,” you cretin.

*laughs*  He don’t know that.

If you’re gonna insult me, do it properly.

WHO’S THE LOSER WITH THE DRUMS?!?

I KNOW, I LOVE THAT DUDE!!!

*both crack up at Jerome going down the aisle and making stupid faces at other inmates*

Ohhhhh, he’s great.

*jams out to opening theme*

“How many got out?”  “87.  The entire violent ward.”  *jaw drops in shock*

“Yeah, we’ve rounded up most of the serious nutjobs; they’re the guys that think they’re walruses or what not.”  *both immediately do finger guns at screen*

EEEEEEYYYYYYYY....

Any carpenters in there?

Please tell me there’s gonna be more Benedict Samuel.  Two minutes of that guy, and I already love him.

*chuckles*

Like he’s not the Jervis Tetch I know and love, but he’s entertaining as hell.

He’s very good!

Yeah, Benedict Samuel’s real voice sounds nothing like that.  It’s like stereotypically British.  But not Cockney, just British.

AN:  WHAT?!?!  HE’S ACTUALLY FROM AUSTRALIA?!?

*smiles*

“All right, listen up!  If I’d [Jim] have known I’d be seeing your ugly mugs tonight, I’d have stayed in the hospital.”  *both chuckle*

Ben McKenzie directed this episode, I forgot!

I take it that means we’re in for a good one.

AN:  Yes.

“Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim!”  *laughs*

JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM

“Do it, OR I’M [Jervis] GONNA KILL SOMEONE!  In case you have any doubts.”  *both crack the hell up*

I shouldn’t be... God, he’s good!

“Let’s go.”  Here we go go go go gooooo!

"You [Jim] said we had to have each other’s backs tonight, right?”  Yes!

“So what, we’re [Jim and Harvey] either idiots, or we’re hypnotized?  Good choices.”  *both laugh*

Oh please tell me this is the episode with Harvey being awesome.

Uh, that’s the next episode.

AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!

*Jervis meets Jim with a hypnotized couple*  SON OF A BITCH! 

Who the hell are they?!?

*so done*  A random married couple!  Because in the previous season, Jervis was all like “Oh, Jim, what are you worried about?  Your love life?!?” and I’m like “SHUT UP!”

“Lo and behold!  The bold Captain Jim Gordon, and his rusty caboose in tow.”  *chuckles*  ‘Rusty caboose in tow...’

*giggles*

Dude, look at that scarf [that Jervis wears]!

Do you recall when I [Jervis] first came to this fair city, Jim?  A bawling mess, wanting nothing more than to address the safety of my dear sister Alice?”  :/

“You gave me NO CHOICE!”  *tries not to laugh at the SUDDEN YELLING*

“I was willing to give you any life you wanted, just to keep you out of mine.”

*Jervis gives the command to drop the wrecking ball*  Ooohhh..

Oh shit-

*both yell and reel back in absolute horror when the couple gets squashed*

*both still in :O for a good minute or so*

He [Jervis] drives off!  *laughs*

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I JUST SAW!

That just killed the moment, just him randomly driving off.

I don’t know what the hell I just saw!

I don’t know either.

That was kinda awesome!  I’m not gonna lie!

*Bruce and Selina enter the precinct*  Yaaay!

The dynamic duo.

Yaay!

*laughs*  She [Selina] just growled at him [Bruce]!

Ooooohhhh I like that [Barbara’s] office.

I like her hair.

Season 4:  the season of Booze ™ !

*chuckles*

There’s just so much booze in this season!

*sings*  Alcohol... my per-ma-nent accessory...

*mouths while aggressively pumping hand holding phone in air*  Shots shots shots shots!

[Barbara] Don’t mix pills with booze.  Don’t do that.

“He [Ra’s] brought me [Barbara] back to life.  We’d never even met.  Why choose me?”  Because he brought you back to life?!?

Are you two [Barbara and Tabitha] still going out or like what?  What’s the situation here?

*shrugs*  I guess...

What’s the situation here?

Friends with benefits?

I guess...

*chuckles*  I don’t know...

*gasps when we get a flashback of Barbara’s death in S3*

Oh shit!

WHY HER THOUGH?!?  That is my question!

That’s a great shot though [of Ra’s reviving Barbara], I have to say.

What the hell...

*Ra’s brings out the Lazarus water*  Oooo-oohhhhhhh...

Is that from the Lazarus pit?!?

I think that’s from the Lazarus pit!  Yeah, ‘cause it’s like a neon color in this show!

Oh my God!

*Ra’s revives Barbara*  There we go.  That explains it.

So you can drink in it rather than bathe in it in this continuity.

Yeah.  I mean, you can do both.

*Barbara is resurrected*  Ohhh!

Oh shit!

“Oh, what a vital, poisonous little mind you [Barbara] have.  And yet, everybody hates you for it, don’t they?”  I don’t think that’s why they hate you.

“You are just the one I’ve been looking for.”  :/

“You [Barbara] shall become the Demon’s Head.  The League of Shadows will be yours to command, an army of assassins.”  *rubs head in frustration*  Ohhhh, are we doing this again... ohhh....

They’re not talking “Oh, Dark Knight!”  That’s later.

[Ra’s] You’re gonna hand the League of Assassins over to her [Barbara]?!?

I know, I don’t like it either.

WHy?!?

I don’t know.

That sounds stupid.

“I’m [Barbara] OK.”  No you’re not.

*The remnants of the married couple*  Oh my God.. those are just dummy parts sticking out of the bottom!

I mean, it was effective.

Yeah.

It was hella effective!

It was very effective!

“Midnight, right?  That’s less than an hour.”  Midnight?  Why is it always midnight?  *chuckles*

*shrugs*

“’Fliers become die-rs.’”  It’s like in “Lovers and Madmen.”  He rigged all of those people to jump to their deaths.

Ohhhhhhhhh!!

*slaps knee*  And it’s like in “Mad as a Hatter” [in Batman:  The Animated Series], when he told those guys to jump in the river!

*gasps*  Yeaahhhhh!  Oh my gosh!

AN:  Also, I highly recommend the comic “Lovers and Madmen.”  Different interpretation of the Joker but still pretty solid and also quotable.

*wheezes when Bruce tries to give Detective Harper money to protect him*

*tries not to laugh when Bruce starts to fake cry*

*laughs when Bruce pulls a Stealth Hi-Bye on Harper*

Bruuucceee!

*gasps and claps hands*  His [Jervis’s] theme in the background!

*jaw drops when it’s revealed that a lot of rooftops are lined by people ready to jump*

Ohhhhhh shit.

“Your ego, Bruce.  It’s huge.”  *tries not to laugh*

“Get over yourself.  It’d make you a little easier to be around.”  *both try not to laugh*

Oh...

Oh shit!

Oh... oh-

*Bruce ends up opening the door for Selina instead*  Oh.

*groans in frustration*

That’s not a hug, I’m just getting the door for ya!  *laughs*

*both laugh at Selina’s little giggle*

That little giggle, oh my God!

“You don’t owe me [Bruce] anything, Selina.  You never did.”  You two are adorable!

They’re cute!

“Geez, there’s a lot of gum under here!”  *chuckles*

*whispers*  What?

Ew no no no-

Oh no no-

*both yell loudly in disgust when Jerome eats some ABC gum*

You are crazy!

*chuckles*

“Jim,  it’s happening all over the city.  Thousands are climbing up roofs!”  How many people are in this freaking city?!?

Probably at least a couple thousand, I’d say.

“He [Jervis] must’ve commanded them [the drivers] to change the station so that we couldn’t find him.”  How complicated are these commands?  It’s like explaining Kilgrave’s powers.  Did he tell them to do that or...

“Ugh, it’s that song I [Harvey] hate!”  *chuckles*

*jams out and sings along with “Foolish Pride” by LAB*

“Just right!”  Oooh, broccoli cheddar [soup] though.  Good choice.

“Mamma Mia!”  *both start singing “Mamma Mia”*

“What was the special ingredient again?  Ah, right.  It was my [Jerome’s] hand.  The one you [Uncle Zach] dipped in a boiling pot of chicken stock!”  *both bug eyes*

“That smell, it was ...mouthwatering....”  *shakes head in disgust*

You are disgusting, dude!

“I [Zach] set out three bowls of soup, nephew, so I’d have enough for all my guests.”  [Crap]

*small gasp when the strong man drags Jerome out of the booth*

Ooh shit!

“The ‘just right’ soup is for him.  The ‘cold’ is for me!  I always loved gazpacho!  The ‘too hot,’ that’s for you, nephew.”  Ohhh shit!

Oh he’s gonna heat it again!  Damn!

*jaw drops when the microwave starts shorting out*

Isn’t this the Iceberg?!?

No, it’s her [Barbara’s] lounge.

The Sirens, right?

Yeah.

*All the lights go out*   Ooooooohhhhh!

Shit!

“We’re [the League] here for the Demon’s Head.  Where is he?”  “She.... is right here.”  I call bullshit.

It’s a flashlight.  I could make a joke out of that but I’m not going to.

*gasps when Hypnotized!Harvey knocks out Jim*

“Hickory, dickory, dock.  The copper went up the clock.  The clock struck 12, he fell pell-mell, and that was it for the cop.”  *in unison*   Noooooooooooooo.....

Ohhh dear.

*Zachary takes out the boiling soup for Jerome*  Oh no.

*gasps when Zachary prepares to pour the boiling soup on Jerome*

“Here, nephew, have a taste of one of my three soups!”  *in shock*  Roll credits!

AN:  The name of the episode actually came from in the writers’ room.  Tze Chun came in having ordered 3 soups and Charlie Huston (the writer of this episode) said “I’m gonna put that in the script” and Tze Chun went “Yeah, right.”  Welp.

*both yell in horror when Zachary pours the soup down Jerome’s throat*

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  [Jerome] You’re gonna have welts all over your face for a month, dude!

“No one deserves that.”  “You tell ‘em!”  *both have to stifle a laugh*

That is a very Joker moment, I have to say.

“Let him [Jerome] go... and get rid of the kid [Bruce].”  *bug eyes*

*Bruce throws a bunch of plates at the strong man*  Ohhhh shit!

Did he just No-Sell a porcelain plate to the face?!?

Yeah, he just did!

*both jaws drop in horror when Jerome finds the gallon of bleach meant for him*

He [Zach] was gonna poison his nephew!

“She’s [Barbara] got the Demon’s Head.  Ra’s chose her.”  “She doesn’t even know what it is.”  Fair point.

I don’t know what that haircut is.

Whose haircut?

That dude’s!

He doesn’t have any hair!

Exactly!

“Women serve in the League, but they do not lead.”  “That’s now a law, just a stupid tradition.  Ra’s chose her.  We need to honor his choice.”  Barbara’s like “Yes, random lady, I accept you!”

*gasps when Barbara takes out the male League member who tried killing her first*

“Anyone else want a shot at the title?”  Everybody does.

“Here comes the airplane!”  *tries not to laugh*

“Got it.  Lost it.  Write it down!”  Me in school.

*giggles when Jerome looks over at Bruce still fighting and does a quick second of fake shadow boxing*

*Jerome kills Zach*  :(

“Boy billionare Bruce Wayne, my [Jerome’s] savior!  Wow, I did not see that one coming.”  *both chuckle*

“Really makes a man wonder... what the hell is wrong with you?!?”  :[

*sighs*  Ohhh dear...

*claps hands when Jim finds Jervis at the radio station*  Let’s go!

How is he doing the whole hypnotizing thing?

It was over the radio.

Yeah, I know, but what does he use to do it?

He has a ticking mechanism.

Oh.  Does he always keep that on him or what?

He always has that [pocket watch] on him.  He goes “Look into my eyes and listen.”

Wait, if they can’t look into his eyes, then-

It’s the noise.

Oooohh kay.

It’s the stimuli.

*both yell and reel back in horror when Jim shoots Jervis’s hand*

What the hell was that for?!?

OK, here’s the thing:  he [Jervis] got shot in the freaking hand!

And it’s like nothing!

I will say though, the rhyming integrated in with the dialogue is done really well!

*in unison when Selina comes to save the day*  EEEEEYYYYYY!!!

*Bruce finally knocks out the strong man*  Oooohhh.

“Selina, huh?  Well isn’t that a nice name...”  Go to hell.

*Selina pulls a gun on Jerome*  Ohhh.

“Uh, uh, uh.  She’s not that kind of girl.”  Wanna bet?

“Oh, all right!  See you crazy kids later!  Ciao!”  *both crack up*

“Ra’s chose me [Barbara] for a reason, I know it.”  Looks like he was playing you for a stooge.

“You’re all so damn weak.  That’s it.  That is why Ra’s chose me.  Because he knew I would see how pitiful you all are.  Afraid of change.”  Yeah, that’s gonna endear you to them.

*bug eyes when the lights suddenly go out and gunfire ensues*

Shhiit!

Whaaaaaat?!?

What the hell is going on?

*The midnight bells go off*  Oooohhhh...

Noooo... nooooo....

Noooo.... we’re not doing this... noooo....

*both freak out in unison when the jumpers get ready*

*both freeze when there’s absolute radio silence*

“It worked!”  *both let out a huge sigh of relief*

That was good.  That was damn good!

*both giggle when the DJ gives Jim a thumbs up*

*Jim lets out a sigh of relief*  Same.

*Jim and Harvey enter the captain’s office*  That requires... some booze!  No, I’m kidding.

I’d want some booze after that.

OK, yeah.

“You [Jim] need a drink.”  *waves hand toward screen in agreement*

“Squirrels hide nuts for the winter.  I [Harvey] got this for whenever.“  EEEEYYYYYYYY!!!

The hell is that?

BOOOOOOZZEE!

*both giggle*

That looks like scotch.

No, that’s whiskey.  Like Fireball whiskey.  See, Harvey’s the hard drinker.

Yeah.  Gordon looks like he’s getting used to it.

He’s like “It’s dull.  Whatever.” *pretends to take a shot*  It’s like Steve Rogers. 

As long as it’s alcohol.

For glory, for justice-

*in unison*  -for sweet, sweet booze!

“[Jim] You know what I [Harvey] was thinking when I jumped in that car and I was flicking through those channels?  I was thinking ‘I can do this crazy thing.  ‘Cause if it goes sideways, Jim Gordon will save me.”  *both smile*

“Feet of clay are heavy to carry around.  That’s what the whiskey’s for.”  *softly chuckles*

“There are no heroes here.”  I will clink to that!

“Got the Wayne kid on line three.  Something about Valeska.”  Oh dear.

“I’ll see you at St. Ignatius, Jim.  You can yell at me [Bruce] there.”  *softly* Hoooooooo.... hoo hoo....

“Kid in trouble again?”  “More than he can handle.”  Summary of the show.

They put a mouthguard on him [Jervis]!

At least somebody’s gotta shut him up.

*Scarecrow douses a guard with fear toxin*  AAAAYYYYYYY!!!

Scarecrow!

*Jerome in his final costume*  EEEEEYYYYY!!

“How do you like the new threads?”  I like ‘em a lot!

Those are awesome!

*gasps and points excitedly at Scarecrow’s new costume*

“We have fish to fry.  And by fish, I mean faces... or feet... ah, something fun to fry!”  *laughs*

Man, he [Jerome] looks so good.  So does Scarecrow!

I know!  Everyone looks great!

Scarecrow looks amazing!

“ALL ABOOOOAAARRDD!”  Hey look, the Joker hijacks another truck!

And that’s the end of the episode!

Man, that was awesome!

[ragecndybars]

Fluff Week: Tex calling Church her boyfriend when he hasn't been sure if they're back together.

Thank you so much for the prompt! This was a blast to write honestly.

No warnings for this one.

Relationship Status

Church hadn’t been confident in his relationship status since before Jimmy died, when he could say with reasonable surety that he was single. Everything after that, from Jimmy’s untimely and improbable demise to the present, was an uncertain gray period which he could only describe as “???”.

After all, when your ex-fiancée slaughters an entire outpost of people and leaves only you alive, you start to ask questions. Questions like “Why did my ex-fiancée slaughter an entire outpost of people?” and “Why did she leave me alive?” He was pretty sure that, traditionally, exes hated each other ― and, hell, he was equally sure the rage he felt at the mere mention of his ex was mutual ― so, if anything, shouldn’t she have killed him first or in the most painful manner or something?

He hadn’t deluded himself into thinking that they were back together ― if Tex wanted to call the wedding back on, then she would’ve at least acknowledged him while she was murdering all his friends. But, from then on, there was a tiny, tingling doubt in the back of his mind; a whisper of “Is she ever gonna come back again?” and “If she does, would we be a couple again?”

Because, as pathetic as it was, and as much as he would deny it to his dying breath, there was one thing that Church could always be certain of: no matter what she’d done, no matter what he was doing, and no matter how long she’d been gone, he would always be willing to take Tex back.

(Not that he really needed to be. Church didn’t so much “take Tex back” as he did “nod meekly whenever she told him that they were together again”. And Tex didn’t so much “tell him they were together again” as she did “occasionally make out with him and then vanish for another couple months”.)

Church hadn’t been sure if he could call himself “single” or “taken” in years, but there were still moments when he knew he could lean more towards one or the other. Like when Tex hung around for longer than usual, nonchalantly slinging an arm around his shoulders and punching him in the shoulder without breaking any bones and just generally indicating, in her very violent and not particularly romantic way, that they were “a thing” again, at least for now. Or, conversely, when she beat the shit out of him and his team, dropped some snarky insults, and then left the way she’d came without sparing him a second glance, which was a pretty solid indicator to the contrary.

And then sometimes she would just show up, do nothing, and stick around for a while, leaving Church to speculate.

God, he fucking hated it when she did that. Navigating an on-again off-again relationship with a bloodthirsty Freelancer was difficult enough; the least she could do was make it clear whether or not there was a relationship, rather than leaving that part up to interpretation. Especially since Tex was pretty much impossible to interpret on the best of days. With her, the difference between a punch in the face and a slightly softer punch in the face could mean the difference between abject hatred and tender affection.

The end result was that Church spent way, way too much time agonizing over every action she took. When she roughly shouldered past him in the hallway, was she in a hurry to leave for another five months, or was that her version of a “good morning” nudge? When she split their coffee reserves down the middle, proclaiming half of it hers and half of it Blue Team’s, did that mean she was going to take her share and run off in the middle of the night, or did it mean she was planning on staying here long enough to drink it all? She had only called him a cockbite twice in the past week; did that mean she was drifting away, or was she not getting annoyed with him as often?

Tex had been staying at Blue Base for the past five (five!) months, and she hadn’t killed or even grievously injured anyone yet. Not even Tucker. Not even Caboose.

That had to mean something, right?

Right?!

Surely, Tex knew what she was doing. After all, she wasn’t dumb, and everyone else in Blood Gulch seemed to have picked up on it ― including Caboose, who never picked up anything except automatic weapons and people, and Donut, whose existence Church had completely forgotten about until now.

“Dude, you’re making this too complicated,” Tucker had said. “Just see if she’ll let you bone her or not. It’s not as hard as you think, bow chicka bow ― OW! Don’t kill the messenger, you dick!”

If not for the fact that they were both ghosts inhabiting robot vessels at the moment, and therefore completely incapable of actually fucking, Church might’ve actually taken Tucker’s advice, which just goes to show how desperate he was actually getting. Alas, though, they were restricted to first and second base; Sarge was pretty good at building androids, but not that good (which, frankly, Church was grateful for; no man should be trusted with that kind of power, least of all Sarge).

“Are you sad because Tex won’t let you be her very best friend and hold her hand and do nighttime Twister and drink milk?” was Caboose’s brilliant guess. Completely ignoring Church’s sputtered denials, he proceeded to suggest, “Maybe, if you hold her hand, she will hold your hand, and then maybe she won’t be as mean and scary anymore, and, uh, maybe she won’t be upset about the fire that Tucker started.”

True desperation, Church discovered, was actually considering Caboose’s advice for more than two seconds. Hand-holding wasn’t exactly on the list of Things That Tex Do, though ― and, even if it was, trying to initiate it would be a fast way to get his arm ripped off, especially if he was wrong and Tex hadn’t made them “a thing” again. Then the fire alarm started blaring and Church realized that he’d missed the most important part of Caboose’s suggestion, so he put the entire thing out of his mind and grabbed the fire extinguisher.

Either his definitely-not-pining was obvious enough to be spotted from the other side of the canyon, or Tucker was a fucking snitch, because even various members of Red Team swung by to offer advice or snicker at him. Simmons demanded that he either keep his girlfriend away from Red Base or else kick his ex out (as if he had any sway over Tex, girlfriend or otherwise). Grif spent a full hour mocking him loudly from across the base while he raided their kitchen (as if he and Simmons weren’t even worse). Donut broke into his room at three in the morning and absolutely refused to get the fuck out, chattering ceaselessly about emotional vulnerability and the importance of communication until Tex finally came in and physically ejected him from the premises via the window.

Even so, Tex herself showed absolutely no sign that she knew or cared about his plight. She made no attempt to clear up the confusion. If anything, she got progressively less explicit about her intentions.

And it was driving Church fucking crazy.

She was doing this on purpose, wasn’t she? It took real dedication to make your feelings so profoundly unclear; it couldn’t be an accident. She was just fucking with him. She knew that he had no fucking clue if they were an item right now, so she was milking it for all the aggravation it was worth.

So it didn’t matter, Church decided the morning after Donut’s disastrous attempt at advice. At some point, it had turned into some kind of weird game, so there was no reason to keep looking for an answer. He already had his answer ― Tex was just jerking him around for the hell of it, which meant he was just as “???” as ever.

So, naturally, that was when Tex finally showed her hand.

Immediately after Church made his realization and finally settled down to sleep, his alarm blared. His accompanying groan was so loud and so drawn out that Tucker eventually shouted a weary “Oh my God, shut up, Church,” from the next room over.

On a normal day, he would’ve just flipped the alarm off and gone the fuck to sleep, military code be damned, but, unfortunately, he was pretty damn sure Tex wouldn’t let that happen. Judging by her eventual intervention, she’d been kept up all night by Donut’s stupid blabbering, too, so there was no way she’d let him doze off; not if she had to get up.

She hadn’t realized yet that she was allowed to flip off the alarm and go back to sleep, too.

So, with another groan and a muttered string of curses toward the Red Army, Church hauled himself out of bed and staggered out into the kitchen, not bothering to put on his armor or undersuit. That could wait. Or maybe he just wouldn’t wear it today. It’s not like he ever actually needed it ― not since Tex confiscated Caboose’s guns.

He was blindly jabbing a finger at the coffee machine, too exhausted to bother actually looking at the buttons, when Tex ambled in, also armorless ― an uncommon sight, but not unprecedented. Church spared her a brief glance and an incomprehensible mumble, then immediately went back to poking the coffee machine until something happened.

“It’s out of water, dumbass,” Tex said from behind him, sounding only marginally more awake than he was, and Church let out a groan to rival his first, dropping his head onto the shitty plastic machine and wishing he were dead. He didn’t have the mental, physical, or emotional energy to get more water, but, without coffee, he was doomed. God, the Red Team wasn’t so bad, but sometimes he just wanted to fucking murder all of them, starting with Donut and his shitty four A.M. advice.

“It’s too fucking early for this,” he managed to grumble, just barely opening his mouth enough to spit the words out.

Tex rolled her eyes audibly. “It’s 0600. Don’t be a crybaby.” Suddenly, he was shoved out of the way, and she shoved her own mug under the coffee machine, snatching his and filling it up with faucet water.

“Hey! I was there first, bitch!” he snapped, foolishly reaching for his mug.

Tex effortlessly body checked him into the side of the counter, holding the mug out of his reach. “You weren’t actually using it; you were just complaining,” she responded easily, almost playfully. “Were you even gonna fill it back up, or were you just gonna sit there and whine all day?”

Church glared at her, but didn’t argue the point. “Thought so,” she said smugly, pouring the water in and snapping the lid shut. “Just wait your turn, dumbass. You’ll live.”

With an irritated huff, Church begrudgingly leaned against the counter behind him and waited, watching Tex make her own coffee with weary indifference. As they waited, Tex drummed her fingers absently; other than that, the quiet hum of the coffee machine was the only sound.

“Hey,” Tex said after a long moment, not looking away from her mug, “what the fuck was Donut doing in your room at 0400, anyway?”

Church glanced over at her, brows furrowing. “What, didn’t you hear?” he asked, voice still bitter and tired. “He wasn’t exactly keeping his voice down.”

At that, Tex shot him a dry look. “Do I look like I pay any attention to anything that pink idiot says?”

…Fair enough. “Well, whatever. It wasn’t exactly the most riveting conversation, anyway,” Church muttered, reaching up to rub his eyes. “Asshole was just trying to―” He was interrupted by a yawn― “trying to give me some stupid fucking advice or something. Like he’s qualified to be a life coach.”

For a moment, Tex didn’t reply, and Church almost believed that she would just take his answer at face value. Then her gaze flickered back to the coffee machine and she said, as casual as can be, “So you two weren’t boning?”

Church choked on air, despite the fact that he didn’t actually have lungs or a windpipe. “Wh ― what?!” he sputtered, his voice immediately rising to a glass-shattering pitch. “No! What the fuck, Tex?!”

She still didn’t turn to face him, but he could see the self-satisfied smirk cross her face, even from the side. “I’m just saying, it’s kinda suspicious. A Red hanging around in your room in the dead of night, completely armorless, making lots of noise… you got something you wanna tell me, Church? You sleeping with the enemy?”

Church absolutely refused to acknowledge any of the other indignant sounds that came out of his mouth, mostly because they were all so high that a fifteen-year-old-girl would wince. “Fuck you! Why would I ― fucking ― Donut? Fucking Donut?” Finally composing himself (somewhat), he shook his head harshly and crossed his arms against his chest, pulling his voice back down to a reasonable pitch. “Why the fuck do you care what I do, anyway?”

Shooting him a sidelong glance, Tex slowly raised one eyebrow.

“Uh, because I would prefer it if my boyfriend wasn’t sleeping with another man,” she said flatly. She looked back at the coffee machine. “Anyway, you can stop bitching; I know you aren’t boning Donut. I just wanted to see how high your voice can get while you’re still half-asleep.” She grabbed her full mug and took a sip, unbothered by the temperature. “No higher than usual. Too bad. I hoped you would break somebody’s visor.”

Church didn’t respond. He was too busy gaping at Tex like a fucking fish who just got shot in the chest and hasn’t realized it’s dead yet.

Before he could stop himself, he blurted out, “Did ― did you just say boyfriend?!”

Tex paused, her mug half-raised to her lips. After a moment, she lowered the mug, turned on her heel, and scrutinized him, her eyes squinted and her brow furrowed. He was too shocked to squirm under her gaze, so he just stared right back at her, his mouth still hanging open.

Slowly, she set down her mug on the counter.

Then she absolutely exploded into a fit of hysterical laughter the likes of which Church had never seen before.

That, at least, snapped him out of his stupor. “Hey ― what ― don’t laugh at me!” he screeched, more frantic than he was angry. “It’s not ― it’s not like ― shut up! It’s a valid question!”

Tex, for her part, only laughed all the harder. “You dumbass!” she cackled, wrapping her arms around her torso and doubling over as if she actually needed air. “Oh my God, is that why you’ve been so bitchy lately?! Because you thought we were still broke up?! That’s priceless! Oh, Jesus, you’re such a baby!”

“I am not!” Church shrieked, and, in the distance, something shattered.

“Aw, fuck, my visor!” Tucker yelped distantly.

Tex roared with laughter once again, slamming her fist against the counter and her forehead right down next to it. “Te-ex!” Church whined ― even he couldn’t deny it; he was whining, no ifs about it ― but she paid him no mind. “Tex, shut up! You’re embarrassing me!”

Finally, her laughter simmered down to something that was almost a giggle, although for his own safety Church would never call it that out loud. “God, you’re a dumbass,” she snickered (yeah, “snickered” was probably safe). “I thought I made it obvious.”

Church made a sort of choking/screaming noise that would’ve embarrassed him if he hadn’t already completely abandoned his dignity long back down the road. “Wh ― you ― obvi ― YOU DID NOT MAKE IT OBVIOUS!”

Tex raised an eyebrow, still grinning so widely that it had to hurt her cheeks. “Preeeet-ty surrrre I diii-iid,” she teased, almost sing-song.

Hissing through his nose like a cat with a sinus infection, Church crossed his arms tightly over his chest and pouted. “Did not,” he muttered, staring sullenly at the ground.

Tex snorted, but didn’t justify that with a response. There was a brief, unsure pause as Church stared down at his feet, numbly reviewing the conversation in his head. That seemed like pretty conclusive evidence that they were back “together”, but…

“Here.”

Blinking, Church glanced up. Tex was offering him his mug ― which, he just now realized, she had filled with coffee. His eyes flickered up to her face for a second, but she was just grinning toothily. “Uh, thanks,” he said uncertainly, accepting the mug―

Tex swooped forward, grabbed the back of his head with both hands, and pulled him in for a kiss. Coffee sloshed over the edge of Church’s mug.

The kiss only lasted for a second, but Tex’s hands lingered.

“Boyfriend,” she teased lightly.

Church’s face went warm immediately. Mortified, he threw up a hand to hide it, spilling more coffee in the process, but it was too late ― she’d already seen. “Tex―” he squeaked in protest as she laughed at him again.

“Jesus, if you do that every time, people are gonna think you’ve got a heart of gold underneath all the jaded, cynical asshole.” Snatching her own mug from the counter, Tex grabbed his wrist and pulled him along behind her, ignoring his yelp of protest as his coffee mug lurched and spilled a third time. “Also, you’re the one who broke it, so you’ve gotta call Command to get Tucker a new helmet.”

“What?! Bullshit,” Church groaned, then paused, considering for a second. “Wait, does this mean I get to call you my girlfriend?”

“No,” Tex said without hesitation.

“What the fuck, why not?!”

“Because I have a reputation to uphold, dumbass.”

“Wh ― so do I!”

“Church, I love you, but no the fuck you don’t.”

“Yes I fucking do ― wait. What was that?”

“…‘I tolerate you’.”

“That is not what you said―”

“Is too.”

“IS NOT―!”