#thinking about having this conversation is making me nauseous. if it were a business business i probably wouldn't care

[poptartmochi]

on the one hand maybe i am being hyper sensitive and taking constructive criticism too personally. on the other hand my life is a nightmare and my current job makes it harder for me to process things which in turn increases my odds of being hyper sensitive.. girl if it sucks hit the bricks!!

[berrieluv]

academic rival!Remus Lupin x reader.

oh, the "who did this to you" trope, my beloved.

None of you knew how it started, and if someone ever dares to ask Remus would most likely groan at them, he didn't understood your dynamic.

He felt that nauseous feeling grow in him when you would get a slightly better note than him, even when it was the same note but your assignment got to be praised by the teachers.

You liked it. You needed the motivation and the competition to stay on top. Some people liked Quidditch, others joined the chess team, you and Remus created a rivalry to get through the school days.

Remus and you have never actually be friends. You liked James and Sirius, you thought they were funny, and in any situation you could imagine yourself dating Sirius, you shared a funny dynamic where you both would flirt. But the competition with Remus' took most of your time, it was almost as if he was your actual boyfriend.

Now that you think about it, you spent most of your time with Remus, or thinking about him, or thinking on defeating him. Your thoughts were 80% Remus Lupin and actually just a 20% school.

Now, in the last party before summer vacation, you both thought of taking a rest. No ditching your friends because you were busy studying, no "I can't drink, I have school tomorrow" anymore.

Just you, Remus and a ridiculous amount of butter beer. And of course, a lot of students as well, but Remus felt like it was only you and him right there.

You looked gorgeous. Remus thinks he never had any chance to look at you this way, to think of you as the most beautiful woman in the room. He knew you were pretty, he may hate you but he wasn't blind. He could see why Sirius had a thing for you. But now, in that exact moment, Remus couldn't take his eyes off you.

You were wearing jeans and a revealing blouse. Classy but somehow informal at the same time, Remus thought that maybe the shoes complete the outfit. That and your tide up hair, he wondered how much it took you to style it like that, he knew there was a lot of effort on the way you tried to make your hair look messy. It was a specific kind of messy you liked.

"Hey, Remus!"

He smiled at the girl who sat by his side, he didn't want to be rude, he was a gentleman, but his mind was killing him to turn around and watch you.

The girl in front of him was pretty, she was funny and she could keep up with any topic Remus would mention, she was well spoken and her body behaved in a way that was almost royalty-like, but he couldn't stop thinking about you, standing just a few steps for him, all that would take was to turn around.

"Remus, are you listening to me?"

No, he wasn't.

"No, sorry, love. What was it?"

She never got mad, not when Remus lost the track of the conversation or when he finally looked behind his back. To his misfortune, you weren't there anymore.

A few hours passed, the first girl was now long-forgotten and Remus was just sitting on the couch listening to Dorcas and Marlene talk about something and occasionally turning to ask him as well.

He felt his body on alert mode when he saw you again. It was around 1:00 a.m., if he was counting right, it was around three hours where he spent without seeing you.

Your face looked in panic. Your arms where hugging your body and your hair was in a different way than before, your lipstick also disappeared and he knew that sad smile way too well to ignore that something happened.

He excused himself from the girls and got up, making all the way to you, touching your arm only to feel you flinching at it, he frowned, because yes, you could say were enemies, but Remus has touch you many times, you could say you were used to it, and not once have you flinch.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes"

But your eyes were filled with tears now and you felt so embarrassed, of what happened and for crying in front of all this people. You hided your face on Remus chest, trying to stop people from seeing you cry, Remus started to move his body a bit so it looked like the two of you were slow dancing, even when the music was nothing like that.

Remus took you upstairs, it was James' home after all, he could do whatever he pleases there.

He sat you on Sirius' couch, in his room and looked at you better, with the lights fully on. There were wounds in your arms, the kind of wounds the nails cause when they're drowning in the skin.

Remus tried to touch your face and you pulled back with an 'ouch', there was no visible marks but he could tell your left cheek was sore comparing to the right one.

"Who did this to you?"

He didn't know why he was so mad – Well, he knew if it was any other girl he could try tot help too –. He didn't know why he wanted to kill, why the Moony part of him felt like waking up when they were so far from the full moon.

You couldn't speak, you didn't knew his name, you only saw a Gryffindor pin in his jacket before he took it off.

"He was blonde" You say with tears in your eyes, not exactly sure why you felt so comforted right there with Remus, you wanted that asshole to suffer. You wanted him to cry, you wanted him to know how it feels to have someone doing things to your body without you wanting them, without you being able to stop it. "He was a Gryffindor"

And it's not like there's only one blonde Gryffindor in Hogwarts, but he knew one that would do exactly something like this.

"Stay here, I don't want you downstairs"

"He didn't... he didn't got far!" You yell before he could exit the door "He just tried, he, he couldn't take off my clothes, completely, he just tried. Nothing happened. I'm overreacting" You said with tears in your eyes, you felt ashamed, you were dirty now.

"More than enough happened" Remus walked away from the door and kneeled in front of you, kissed your knee and looked at you "Now stay here. I don't want you downstairs, alright?"

How could he not know who it was? It was the same blonde Gryffindor who called you 'Remus' little bitch' once, the same man who said out loud in a boys' night at the common room how you were one of the main girls he fantasized about, how he wanted, no, needed, to have you in any way he could.

Remus felt sick at the memory. He remember how the words twisted his stomach back then and he remember doing nothing, one of his Housemates was expressing out loud how he would even come in terms on raping if necessary and he did nothing.

"Remus, I've been looking for you" Sirius says, hanging from his shoulder and walking at Remus' speed once he didn't stop; "Where're we going?"

The boy didn't answer, he couldn't, his tooth were clenching he felt like he could break them at any moment. And the second he saw those blonde hairs and that cocky face he didn't doubt for a moment on throwing the first punch.

Sirius would always tell the story, and he would always mention he swears he has never feel sober up as fast as he did that day.

The alcohol evaporated from his system.

"Mate, what the... what is wrong with you?"

"You know what you did" Remus answers, caressing his fist with his other hand and looking at Tom, ready to kill him at any moment.

"Oh" He chuckled "You mean what I did... to your little girlfriend?"

You were not his girlfriend, but Remus didn't think necessary to point it out now, in fact, he sort of liked the thought of that. He would come to terms with that later.

"She wanted it tho... She was throwing herself at me like a bitch in heat"

And Remus threw another punch. He didn't even think of this one, the only thing he knew is that his hand was already making contact his his face.

Tom fought back, he punched Remus and that's when Sirius thought of getting involve, when that bastard's friends started to go against Remus.

"She was drunk!" He yelled once he felt James pulling him away, Sirius distancing himself from the others once James arrived and yelled at them to stop. "You had no right touching her, she was drunk!"

Lily tried to calm Remus down while James made sure of kick everyone out from the party.

"Remus, relax, alright?" He tried to breath but he couldn't bare to even think of you, scared, begging for it to stop and not feeling strong enough to do something about it, the impotence. "Where is she?"

"Upstairs"

"What if you calm down and go look for her? How does that sound? Spend a bit of time with Y/N, she must be scared and exhausted. She needs you to be there"

He nods, that actually sounded good, just the two of you, lying in Sirius' bed, or you lying in the bed while he's on the floor, maybe just holding hands, he didn't know. He was so confused right now, too many emotions.

Remus walked upstairs and opened the door, you looked at him, worried and ran to inspect his body, he just chuckled.

"I heard the fight" You say, calmly.

"Sorry" He says and you frown "I thought Sirius' room was soundproof"

You shake your head "Why did... why did you get into a fight? You don't fight"

"I've come to realize, that I can only fight when it comes to you. Whether is against you or for you"

"You will fight me?"

"I fight you every single day it's crazy. I spend more time thinking about you than any girl I've like. My relationships don't work because I'm just looking forward the next time I see you in class to see if I did better than you. There's days where the only thing feeding my will to live is our silly competition"

"But will you fight me, tho?" You asked with a smile and curious eyes. "Like you did today"

"I could take you" He simply answer "Not in a fight"

You chuckle and look at him, his hair is messy, even more than it always is, his shirt is missing around three buttons and you can see his chest, his cheek is red and it's starting to turn purple and yet he still looks a weird way of divine.

And you felt brave enough to kiss him. Remus feel like standing on clouds, it was the first time he could confirm he believed in God.

"Does this mean we're not rivals anymore?"

"Don't be silly, Remus. One kiss doesn't erase years of competition. I could mop the dirt with you"

"What about two kisses?"

"I would have to think about it"

[newtthetranswriter]

Hello so uhm.... 0w0

Could I ask for a Aziraphale x reader / crowley x reader (seperated when possible) where the reader is sick and they both hug them and wrap their wings around them?

I'm just thinking their feathers would be so soft >~<

Have a nice day/evening!

Word count: Crowley’s Part 1187 / Aziraphale’s part 1579

A/n: this was nice to write. I hope it lives up to expectations. Enjoy and have a great day/ evening as well.

Crowley

    It was just a normal Tuesday, well as normal as it can get when going to work at Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death, while feeling like someone hit me with a car. My head was pounding and it felt like my small breakfast of plain toast was trying to come back up. I would have called in, but I know Nina would need the help as we were the only to set to work today. I also didn’t tell a certain snake eyed demon about being sick because I know he would have made me stay home. 

    All of this leads us to where we are right now. I’m currently taking orders while Nina works on making the coffees and teas that are requested. It’s about two in the afternoon which means it’s time for our afternoon rush of people trying to get an extra boost of energy before they end their day. Trying to keep a smile on my face as my migraine gets worse from the loud customers, and the normally enticing smell of coffee which is currently making me more nauseous, is like hell on earth. 

    I was in the middle of explaining to an older lady that decaf does not in fact contain caffeine, when I noticed a familiar pair leaving the bookshop across the street. Trying to end this conversation quickly so my friends wouldn’t have to wait too long, I offered the lady a solution. “If you are nervous about the decaf having any caffeine I can recommend a warm cup of peppermint tea. It’s relaxing and contains no caffeine at all.” I said hoping to end this back and forth. Luckily she agreed right as the demon and angel pair walked in.

    Offering the two a kind wave and forced smile, I entered the lady’s order and proceeded to enter the pairs usual order before they even reached the counter. Normally I would let them place their order like everyone else but today I didn’t want Crowley near me for too long knowing he would quickly realize I was unwell. “Hello Love, Aziraphale. I already entered your order so you can go take a seat, it’s on the house today.” I said trying to avoid conversation with the pair.

    Aziraphale just nodded in thanks before going to find a seat. While Crowley on the other hand only stepped to the side so I could continue to assist customers, while he processed my strange behavior. “You never comp our order. Something about it being bad for business. What’s going on with you?” He asked, and even though he wore such dark glasses I could tell he was squinting at me trying to figure me out.

    “Nothing is going on. Can’t I be nice to my boyfriend and friend every once in a while.” I responded mindlessly, entering orders trying to avoid my demon’s scrutiny. “I have to help these customers, Crowley go sit down with Zira and Nina will bring it out when it’s done.” I heard a slight scoff before he walked away.

    I knew he figured something out but I also knew that he wouldn’t risk making a scene at my job just because he thinks I’m hiding something. Knowing Crowley he would keep quiet about it until I was off work and that’s exactly what he did.

    After another four hours of helping customers and cleaning the shop I was finally able to go home and relax. It was a bonus that Nina had figured out that I wasn’t feeling well and told me to take the next day off to get better. So ready for an extra day to recover from this stupid migraine, I left the coffee shop and headed over to A.Z. Fell and Co. to retrieve my grump of a boyfriend knowing he tended to hangout there until I was off work so he could drive me home.

    “Hey Aziraphale, Have you seen Crowley? I just got off work and thought he’d be here like normal.” I asked the angel, who was currently reading a book at his desk, upon noticing the demon was nowhere to be seen.

     Aziraphale jumped in his seat not having heard me come in. “Oh Y/n, yes Crowley went to the pharmacy around the corner, something about picking up medicine.” He said turning slightly to look at me before turning back to his book. “Though I’m not sure what medicine he would need, it’s not like he can get sick or anything.” He continued obviously oblivious to why a demon such as Crowley would need human medicine.

     I just rolled my eyes and took a seat in an armchair. “You don’t mind if I wait for him here do you?” I asked, relaxing for the first time all day, not registering the angel's response as I fell asleep in the chair.

     “They’re sleeping Crowley, don’t wake them up. They have obviously had a long day.” I heard my angel friend address my Boyfriend. It was obvious he was trying to keep quiet but was failing as began to slowly awaken from my nap.

     I heard a groan before feeling Crowley slip one arm behind my back and the other under my legs, gently lifting me out of the arm chair. “They wouldn’t have had a long day if they told me they were sick.” I heard him grumble as he walked out of the book shop and gently placed me in his bentley. I tried to wake up fully to greet him but the gentle rumble of the car starting lulled me back to sleep as Crowley obeyed traffic laws for once.

    The next time I woke up, I was being placed on mine and Crowley’s shared bed. He had brought me home driving far too slow for his liking and then carried me all the way into our apartment. It warmed my heart to know I had such an effect on the snake-eyed demon.

    After processing where I was I finally spoke up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to worry about me, it’s just a headache.” I said, trying to calm the demon.

    I watched as he set his sunglasses on his nightstand before laying down and wrapping his arms around me. “I will always worry about you, Love. I just wish you had told me. Now go back to sleep, in the morning you can take the medicine I got for you. And we will rest all day.” He said, kissing my forehead.

    “Okay” I said snuggling into his warm embrace before a thought came to mind. “Hey Crow, could you wrap your wings around me too? They’re just so soft and they help block out the light.” I asked half asleep, hoping he would agree. I didn’t have to wait long as he rolled on to his back with me laying on his chest. I heard feathers ruffle as he opened his wings before wrapping them around me.

    I cuddled closer to his chest as he whispered “anything for you, darling.” and then we both drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

Aziraphale 

    Dating an angel was a blessing and a curse. While he appreciated things like books, food, and drinks, he didn’t fully understand what it was like for humans when they got sick. Sure he’s been on earth for 6000 years and seen numerous people get sick, but it was never someone close to him. He tried to avoid sickness, he knew he couldn’t get any of the human diseases but he didn’t want to risk getting someone else sick because he came in contact with someone who was sick. He just didn’t want to risk it. 

    That’s why when I woke up this morning feeling like world war 3 was happening in my stomach, I decided to just tell my sweet boyfriend that I wouldn’t be able to come by today as work had called me in to cover for a coworker. I know it’s wrong to lie to him about it but I didn’t want him to tell me not to come over because I’m sick. It was easier on me if I canceled our plans instead of him being grossed out by my sickness. So, I’ve resigned myself to trying to nap on my couch as my bed just wasn’t comfortable right now.

     I just wanted to sleep through this, so I took some over the counter stomach medicine that I had laying around and turned on some anime to relax. 

     After about four hours of watching Demon Slayer, I decided to scroll on social media because maybe that would put me to sleep. Watching Tanjiro get his ass kicked wasn’t exactly relaxing right now. I opened up tiktok and started watching videos of different cosplayers and people making art for their small businesses. I would occasionally see one that reminded me of my demon friend Crowley and would send it to him, completely forgetting he typically hangs out with Aziraphale and would probably say something about it.

P.o.V change to Aziraphale’s bookshop

     Little did Y/n know that was exactly what was happening. Crowley was currently scrolling through his phone listening to the angel complain about his partner canceling their plans because they had to go into work. Not completely paying attention to the angle Crowley watched as a tiktok notification flashed across his screen. He opened it wondering if Y/n was at work why would they be sending him tiktok.

     “What time does Y/n typically get off work?” The demon asked, trying to process what was happening. He wondered if it was maybe something they had sent before going to work and it just took a while to come through, but then again the chat did say you were currently active in the app.

     The angel paused thinking for a moment, “I believe they get off around five, so they should still be there now. Why do you ask?” He asked curious as to what his companion was getting at.

      Crowely took a second to decide if he was going to tell the truth or try to protect the innocent man's feelings from the fact his partner had lied. Sighing, he decided it was probably best to tell the truth even if it would hurt the angel. “Well they just sent me a tiktok and it says they are active.” He said turning his Phone for his friend to see.

      The angel’s eyes went wide seeing that his partner was active on the social media app while they were supposedly at work. He tried to deny it, “Maybe they are just on break.” He really didn’t want to believe that you would lie to him about having to work. Why would lie about that, if you just needed a day to rest he would understand.

      “Well looking here it seems they have been sending me tiktoks for the past hour so unless their lunch is over an hour long, they aren’t at work.” Crowley responded, scrolling up in the conversation to see when the first one was sent to him. Even though he was a demon he didn’t want to believe that his friend would lie to the angel. Y/n just wasn’t that kind of person. “The only way to get an answer would be to go over to their apartment, cause if you call them they will probably try to play it off somehow.” He said not trying to concern the angel but also trying to voice the truth.

      Aziraphale nodded and grabbed his coat, bidding his friend goodbye and heading out. He really hoped it was just that y/n had gotten off work early for covering and it wasn’t them lying to him. The angel couldn’t help but overthink things as he approached the familiar apartment gently knocking on the door.

P.o.V back to reader

      I had almost fallen asleep when I heard a quiet knock at my front door, not thinking anything of it I got up and walked to the door. Opening the door I was shocked to see the face of my angelic boyfriend with worry written across his features.

      “Zira, what are you doing here?” I was confused as to why he showed up here after I told him I was working an extra shift. “My boss let me leave early because it was slow and turns out they didn’t need me after all, I just got home. Why don’t you come in?” I said trying to cover the fact I in fact did not go into work. Aziraphale slowly walked into my home and sat down on the couch looking around. I could tell there was something on his mind before I watched him freeze, as his eyes landed on the cold medicine sitting on the table.

      “Why didn’t you just tell me you were ill? I would have understood.” He said, sounding dejected. “I know, you lie down and I’ll make you some tea.” He started getting up from the couch. It was crazy to see how fast he could go from hurt to caring in only a few seconds. I stoof there frozen, He just figured out I lied to me, I’m guessing he knew before he came here, but he is ready to take care of me just like that. I felt a tear roll down my cheeks as I took in how truly kind Aziraphale is. “Love, what’s wrong? It’s ok, just relax, I’ll take care of you.” He noticed I was still standing by the door.

      I gently shook my head, I can’t just let him take care of me after I lied to him. “But I lied to you. I said I was going to work and canceled our plans, when in reality I’m sick. You don’t like sick people. You’ve said so yourself. You avoid them even though you can’t get sick. I thought you wouldn’t want to be near me till I get better. You don’t have to take care of me just because we are dating, I understand.” I said as more tears rolled down my face. I was too busy trying to tell him to go back to the bookshop to notice he had walked up to me.

      I was startled out of my ranting by the feeling of being wrapped in his warm embrace. He had pulled me into his chest and placed a kiss on the top of my head. I completely relaxed into him, it was the most comfortable I had felt all day. “It’s alright Darling, I’m here because I love you. I want to take care of you. I avoid sick people so I don’t get you sick, I may not get sick but I could still pass the germs to you. I will always take care of you when you don’t feel well.” He said, face still rating against my hair. I just cuddled deeper into his embrace.

      After a moment I lifted my head to break the hug so I could lie down when I noticed it wasn’t just his arms wrapped around me. I stared at the beautiful white feather that trapped me in a warm embrace. I looked at my boyfriend’s face shocked as he had never shown me his wings before. “Are those?” I asked, completely stunned. “Can I touch them?” I also asked turning in his hold reaching towards the soft feathers.

      He just responded with a hum and a nod letting me run my fingers through his feathers. They were the softest thing I had ever felt. I giggled as I felt him nuzzle his face into the back of my neck, the feathers ruffling slightly at the contact. “Are they sensitive?” I asked, noticing his reaction.

      “They can be yes. It’s been a while since I have let them out so a little more so at the moment.” I felt him speak into the back of my neck. 

      “Well thank you for showing them to me. They truly are extremely soft.” I said praising the angel wrapped around me. I completely forgot about being sick enjoying his embrace.

      He slowly let me go and guided me to the couch, folding his wings back slightly so as to not knock anything over. “Of course dear. Now lay down, I’ll be back in a moment with soup.” He said before walking off towards the kitchen leaving me to relax into the couch. It was nice knowing I had such an angel of a boyfriend to take care of me.

[stargirlrchive]

wasteland, baby: chapter one ✩ tsu’tey

masterlist ୨୧ wasteland, baby masterlist

cw: olo’eyktan!tsu’tey x afab!reader, no use of y/n, arranged marriage/marriage of convienience (lets pretend to be shocked, this trope has me in a chokehold), mentions of war, death, night terror/nightmares, anxiety, bullet wounds, guns, battle talk etc.+ wc: 2,370

comments: idk why but i’m so nervous to post lmaooo but new series 😝 hope you all like it ! index is attached to the masterlist if u need it <3

next ✩

Tsu’tey felt the blood rush to his ears as he made quick steps to the Tsahik’s tent, the sun was only just now rising, far too early to be called upon if it was anything good. With clumsy fingers he readjusted his loincloth though there was nothing to fix, only a nervous habit as he made haste.

He faltered for a few seconds when he reached Mo’at’s tent, nerves bubbling in his stomach as he tried to prepare for whatever business the Tsahik had with him. It was not uncommon for Tsu’tey to speak with Mo’at over issues of the clan, the Olo’eyktan and Tsahik often did so. But the rushed morning call that disturbed his slumber, and the low murmuring voice’s of Mo’at and Neytiri behind the tent had his stomach twisting with something akin to fear.

His fingers clenched into a tight fist before he released the tension, pushing apart the flap of the tent before dipping into the privacy of the Tsahik’s quarters.

His tail tensed as Mo’at and Neytiri stilled their conversation, looking at Tsu’tey with trepidation as if they had been caught doing something they shouldn’t.

There was a beat of silence before Tsu’tey regained his senses, “Oel Ngati Kamie.”

Neytiri sent him a warm smile before greeting him, Mo’at however, she had her usual look of aloofness, as if not wanting to give anything away. Tsu’tey was sure that was a skill she had to master during her years as Tsahik. Many people came to her with their questions and burdens, she had to learn to school her expressions.

“Sit, ‘itan.”

He nodded, sitting down across from Mo’at, his eyes jumping between the two women as he refrained from asking what was wrong. What was so important that they needed to speak with him so early? It all felt so secretive and he felt uneasy.

“Neytiri is with child.”

Tsu’tey’s head snapped towards the other warrior in the room, his ears flicking in curiosity before a smile cracked its way onto his face. “Aylrrtok ngaru, Neytiri! I am sure you and Jake Sully will be blessed with a strong child.”

Neytiri’s face lit up, she cared for Tsu’tey deeply and his excitement for her meant more than he knew, “Thank you, Tsu’tey.”

Neytiri’s gaze shifted towards Mo’at, and Tsu’tey followed her gaze, a small frown making its way onto his face at the small flash of guilt that flashed through the older woman's gaze. He felt nauseous at the lapse of control from the Tsahik, but her eyes glazed over to one of calmness before she turned to look at Tsu’tey.

“I have been thinking that it is time you find a mate, Tsu’tey.”

His mouth went dry, his forehead creasing in confusion as his heart thrummed harder. Mo’at took the Olo’eyktan’s silence as liberty to keep speaking. “The clan needs to know that it is time to move forward. The people need to know we are prospering after a time of sorrow.”

Neytiri was watching Tsu’tey closely but he gave nothing away, only nodding softly as he listened to Mo’at, “We called upon you this early for discretion. If people begin to find out you are looking for a mate, they will swarm on you like viperwolves stalking their prey.”

Tsu’tey’s tail swished nervously at the thought, trying to wrap his mind around the idea of sharing his life with someone.

Neytiri cleared her throat, “But Tsahik and I were thinking it would be beneficial to the people if you mate with someone from a different clan.”

Tsu’tey blinked at her for a few seconds before he cleared his throat, “Someone who is not Omatikaya? That is unheard of.”

If Tsu’tey was nervous about mating with a woman from the clan, this made his heart feel like it was going to rip out of his chest now. “The Kekunan clan showed great bravery during the war. They were the first clan to arrive when Jake called upon them.”

It was clear to Tsu’tey that both women had made up their mind, they encouraged the idea and it was only confirmed when Mo’at reached out to pat Tsu’tey’s arm to try and comfort him. “The Olo’eyktan and Tsahik have a daughter, she is their third born and has been Tsakarem for many years. From what I have heard she is quite gifted at it too, she is also a warrior, she would be a great Tsahik for the Omatikaya ”

Neytiri nodded in agreement with her mother, “She fought alongside us during the war, she protected me and she's shown great strength. The union will also give us protection if we were ever to need it again.”

Tsu’tey was used to his people looking to him for guidance, but Mo’at and Neytiri looking at him with hope struck a chord he couldn't place. These were two of the women he most looked up to, silently begging him to agree with their eyes.

He sighed quietly, nodding gently before his ears pinned to his head, “If she agrees, I will do it.”

Mo’at let out a quiet breath, it was as if she was holding it in while she waited for his answer. Neytiri did not contain her excitement, her tail thrashing harshly behind her, “Mother and I will arrange everything, we will fly out and pitch our case.”

Tsu’tey only nodded, unable to find his words as his mind raced wildly. It was not until Neytiri placed her hand on his arm that he was pulled from his turmoil, “She is very kind, you will grow to love her.”

Tsu’tey’s gaze flicked to where Mo’at was sitting, but it was now empty. He felt confident enough to speak his feelings to his closest friend, “I don’t know if I can Neytiri.”

She frowned, her mouth opening to speak but Tsu’tey suddenly felt overwhelmed. His chest tightening as he stood up quickly, not even bidding her goodbye before he walked out.

ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-

Your heart was pounding roughly in your chest as visions continued to appear in your mind, it felt like you were being swallowed and spit out during different memories that deeply scarred you. Fading away like mist before you were able to do anything about it. Your body was not your own, going through the motions that seared your brain with fear.

You were gliding forward while your Ikran dove head first towards the forest grounds, and your mind was completely blank but you knew what was happening. Before your eyes adjusted to your eldest brother falling freely as bullets tainted his body, leaving wounds in their wake, you felt fear consume you. It consumed you each night as you were forced to relive these nightmares each time your eyes closed and it never got easier. Your vision cleared and you were met with his Ikran screeching in pain before their Tsaheylu broke and your brother tumbled down.

You were so close, his body within a few inches of Evu’s claws to break his impact on the floor, just as you were going to catch him you were being ripped away. Appearing in a memory from the same horrible day, just hours later.

A scream threatened to rip from your throat but got stuck before Neytiri’s piercing cry hit your ears.Your head was hot and heavy, a thick liquid pouring from your skull as you stumbled towards her voice. She was cradling someone, along with the Toruk Makto but their face was shielded from your view. Your vision was spotty before your body hit the floor.

Your eyes flutter open as you take a deep breath of air, gasping as your ears ring so loudly it feels painful. Your heart was racing so fast it felt as though it was going to be ripped from your chest.

It takes minutes for you to register that you are in the safety of your cot, away from the war. Your eyes well with hot tears before they stain your face and down to your ears. You cursed yourself quietly as you wept, you were the Tsakarem, you were a warrior, you were not meant to be weak. These terrors were not meant to plague you still, but a broken sob fell from your mouth as you recalled all the lost members of the Kekunan, your people ripped away from their family by metal machines and greedy humans, your eldest brother included.

It had been months, but the horrors of war plagued your mind, lurking behind every wall and shadow, threatening to consume you whole. The sun barely rising peaked through the flaps of your cot, blinding you for a few seconds as you laid there trying to regain your emotions.

You wipe your eyes as you push yourself to sit up, head pounding roughly before you stand.

Numbness coated your insides as you prepared to start your day. There was a lot of nothing going around the clan of Kekunan, families still learning to adjust to life without their loved ones and now that everyone was healed by your hands, and the hands of your mother, and the many healers in your clan, there was not much to do.

Once you made it outside of your cot you felt warmness bloom in your stomach, nudging you in the direction of your Ikran. Evu was a deep forest green, the tips of her wings were a soft shade of blue, and her wingspan larger than most. She was gentle, sweet and protective whenever you were around her and you felt her call to you.

The memory of not catching your brother on time had forced you to neglect time with Evu, feeling guilty anytime you looked at her, anytime you felt the welcoming breeze through your hair and on your skin, but you missed her.

With quick steps you made it to her, her head cocked to the side in silent question before she started happily chirping. In almost clumsy steps she made her way to you, nuzzling her face into yours as she continued to clack loudly. The ache that had settled into your chest seemed to melt away as you patted her softly, grabbing your kuru before connecting it with her.

You felt her excitement as you mounted her, your hearts thrumming as one as the two of you took off. This was the first time in weeks that you felt the wind kiss your skin and flow through your hair, your eyes watering slightly as you finally felt at ease. Your mind only focused on flying, the feeling of freedom consuming you.

It was clear that Evu was feeling just as cheerful as she soared freely, performing beautifully as she twirled in the air, showing off her skill. It dawned on you that she was trying to prove herself to you, to prove to you that she was worthy of riding and it caused your heart to soar. She thought she had done something wrong. Your hands gently soothed her as you patted her neck, praising her softly as the two of you flew above the jungle of Pandora.

You spent hours flying, only returning when the ache of your legs became too difficult to ignore. Your legs wobbled when your feet touched the ground, showering Evu with last bits of affection before walking to your parents' cot.

There was excitement consuming your people, it was palpable as they whispered to each other, pointing and smiling towards your parents cot. Before you could think too much about it, one of the village children ran up to you, calling out your name happily.

You smiled down at her, “Mawey, It’ey.”

She smiled shyly as she tried to catch her breath, but the twitch of her ears showed her excitement, “The Tsahik of the Omatikaya is here! She is asking for you!”

You felt like the blood drained from your face, nerves bubbling up your throat as you tried to think of what business the Tsahik could have with you. “Are you sure, It’ey?”

The young girl nodded, not catching onto the way your hands began to tremble slightly.

“Yes! She brought her daughter as well.”

You sent her a soft smile, patting her hair gently, “Thank you.”

It took a few seconds before you were able to continue on your track to your parents home. Memories rushed to the forefront of your mind as you recalled the last time they were here, and the outcome.

You did not regret the decision to fight with them, but it left you with so many internal scars that you have not been able to heal, you feared what they needed you for.

When you pushed the flap open you were met with 6 pairs of eyes glowing at you. You directed your gaze towards the guest first, “Mo’at, Neytiri, oel ngatie kameie.”

The older woman sent you a soft smile and just as you were about to turn to your parents, Neytiri caught your wrist and stilled your movements.

“It’s great to see you again, I wish I would have had more time to speak with you after everything happened, after the battle but-you look to be doing well. I hope you can find time for us to speak, show me around the Kekunan jungle.”

Your body tensed at the mention of the war, and if she noticed she did not comment on it. You only sent her a tight lipped smile before pulling away from her, greeting your parents and your two brothers. The air was tense in the cot, everyone staring at you with mixed emotions and you felt your throat tighten. “I was told by one of the children that I was being looked for.”

“Ah yes, come here ‘ite.”

You did as told, sitting down besides your mother, she began to soothe your hair, something she always did to try and comfort you and your siblings before giving you big news.

“The Tsahik and her daughter have traveled all the way over here for you.”

Your ears twitched softly, dread consuming you and you turned to look at the two women, “They have come to ask for your hand, for the Olo’eyktan.”

[hermannsthumb]

Please please please more "Fake Dating for Funding"! I haven't read much PR stuff in the last few years and your newest piece jerked me right back to that old standby hyperfixation. It's so cute!!

answering this sooooo late, OOPS SORRY, but here's a little ficlet as i try to get myself back in the writing groove.... the original fake dating for funding fic is right here, but i was thinking over plot concepts earlier and this one made me laugh, LMAO

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"I have a favor to ask of you," Hermann says one morning.

Typical of Hermann, it's blunt and to the point, no show of bartering or sweetening Newt up with dessert or anything like that. In theory Newt should be annoyed, but Hermann indebts himself to Newt so rarely (and never willingly) that Newt’s actually kind of interested to see where this goes. He pushes up his work goggles and strips off his gloves without a second thought.

Hermann is standing directly over Newt’s side of the yellow line, one hand balled into a fist while the other white-knuckles his cane, his shoulders hunched over. He looks extremely uncomfortable. On the other hand Hermann rarely looks comfortable, so this isn’t anything new, or something to draw immediate conclusions from.

“Okay,” Newt says. “Lay it on me.”

“I would not blame you if you found yourself thinking less of me,” Hermann says, “or outright rejecting the proposition. I’m aware it is far more than one typically asks of a…” He swallows. “Colleague.”

The word hangs awkwardly in the air between them. It’s not that it’s an inaccurate descriptor, but it doesn’t completely encompass the, uh, reality of things, being that they were a litttttle more than colleagues up until two months ago. (Not that they called themselves anything other than colleagues for the duration of that whole—indiscretion. It was a little confusing.)

Still, Hermann’s groveling, and Newt’s interested. “Oh, sweet,” he says, maybe a little too casually. Just two bros having a normal conversation about how they're nothing more than colleagues. “I’m totally in. What are we doing? Is it illegal or something?”

He could actually use Hermann’s mad computer hacker skills for something in the near future—Newt wants unrestricted card access to the typically very restricted hazardous materials storage in the jaeger bay for reasons he’s not going to disclose—and doing something illegal for the guy would be a great way to get him to do something illegal for Newt in return. In a favor-for-favor way more than a blackmail way, because Newt mostly isn't a dick. And anyway, maybe doing some platonic fun k-science bonding time will be good for them. Make things a little less tense. Newt’s been working on that really hard lately, mostly because his multiple Shatterdome transfer requests have been outright denied by the Marshal and he seems to be out of alternatives.

“No,” Hermann says.

He looks at his shoes. He’s about two unlucky inches away from stepping on a piece of kaiju spleen Newt dropped earlier and forgot about, and the fact that he’s not taking any precautions to shield his precious ugly wingtips tells Newt he means business. “Perhaps a little…morally questionable.”

“Oooh, Hermann, you’re such a tease,” Newt says. He tosses his nasty gloves in the trash can and scoots Hermann towards the cluster of their desks with a hand to the small of his back, ignoring the way Hermann bristles and digs the end of his cane halfheartedly into the floor. “Come on, come on, I’ll make coffee, stop looking so depressed.”

He does make himself a coffee but brews a quick cup of black tea for Hermann, which turns out to be kind of a waste of his time, since Hermann blatantly ignores the mug Newt slides in front of him. He’s gone from looking like the most emo librarian in the world to looking vaguely nauseous. If circumstances weren’t as they are, Newt might say it was making him look exceptionally alluring—that whole sickly Victorian lad thing really gets him going. “If you’ve forgotten,” Hermann says, “we’ve another of those foolish PPDC fundraisers soon, at the end of the month.”

“Oh.” Newt leans back in his chair, a little disappointed. “Is that it?”

“Yes,” Hermann says. “No.” He shakes his head gravely. He’s so dramatic sometimes, it’s kinda cute. “It is the root of the problem, but not the entirety of it. You’ll recall, I presume, how badly in need of funding we are, myself in particular for the Breach-mapping software I am attempting to develop.”

Newt does recall, because yeah, he is also in need of funding real bad. Can’t make awesome, ground-breaking advancements in the field of kaiju biology without any kaiju bits to study the biology of. That spleen currently threatening to ooze over the yellow tape line represents approximately sixty percent of Newt's remaining currently viable samples. “Uh, yeah?”

“I have,” Hermann makes a face, “a working theory, so to speak. You’ll further recall the similar PPDC event we attended in August of last year?”

“Yeah?”

“And the one we attended this year, in the week following our—”

“Yeah, Hermann, I remember.”

“Right,” Hermann says.

Newt remembers the second one more clearly than he likes, because having to make nice with Hermann to present a united front six days after a very, very stupid argument about Newt maaaaybe stealing half of Hermann’s sandwich—which ultimately led to a mutual and spur of the moment decision to dissolve the whole weird lab partners-with-benefits thing they had going on—was one of the more uncomfortable experiences of his career. Still, he made as nice as he could, because his supply of work gloves and Keurig pods were running dangerously low and he didn’t feel like shelling out the money from his own abysmally small paycheck for any.

He doesn’t know what was so significant about the other one they went to though, the one last August. It was humid. Newt remembers being so hot he had to take off his tie, and he lost it somewhere in the convention center afterwards. He misses that tie. Hermann hated it, which makes him culprit number one in its disappearance.

“We drew in significantly more donations in August than we did two months ago,” Hermann says, and opens the top drawer of his desk to produce a neat stack of papers, which he spreads in front of Newt to reveal a series of color-coded spreadsheets.

Newt’s eyes glaze over a little at the sight. He doesn’t bother extending the effort to confirm Hermann’s data—as much as he hates to admit it, the guy is thorough with his numbers and rarely wrong about stuff like this. He flips through it anyway to appease him. And, honestly, he thinks Hermann’s feelings would be hurt if he didn’t, and Newt really is committed to being a good labmate (y’know, for the very brief time being). “And prior to August,” Hermann continues, “you’ll note that the average sum total of donations we received per event was significantly lower. August was an anomaly.”

“Sure,” Newt says. “So what?”

Hermann slides the spreadsheet back into his desk, pulls his dorky glasses off, and exhales slowly: he’s getting to the point. Newt has a hunch what that point might be, but Hermann always looks funny when he gets into lecture mode, and Newt doesn’t want to interrupt it.

“I believe,” Hermann says, “that our—relationship status, which was significantly different on that occasion as compared to the rest—might possibly have had no small influence, for one reason or another. We certainly behaved more, er, affectionately, or tenderly around each other, and perhaps others took note and found it charming. Or some such thing. Of course I can't draw any conclusions from a single point of data, but I believe if we were to... Well, it's a bit silly, hearing myself now.”

“You want me to be your fake b-f so we can trick people into giving a shit about us and shake them down easier,” Newt says.

The tips of Hermann’s generous ears go red. “I’m aware it’s an unusual request,” he says, “especially considering… recent certain developments in our working relationship.”

It’s not exactly the fun platonic bonding time Newt anticipated, but he has a hunch Hermann might be on to something—the whole doomed romance, give us money so our love has a fighting chance of surviving the apocalypse thing, which they were apparently already inadvertently playing up. He’s willing to give it a shot. Making a joke out of it might actually help Newt let go of his last lingering nostalgia for that super brief period of time he and Hermann got up to after-hours hijinks and were almost amicable with each other. And, you know, on the other hand, if that doesn’t work, he could totally do the opposite of moving on and revel in the opportunity to do couple-y tender things with Hermann again.

“Yeah, sure,” Newt says. Real chill about it. He’s so chill, man.

Hermann blinks at him owlishly, clearly taken aback, but says nothing.

“It’ll be fun,” Newt adds. “It’s a good plan, great idea, it’ll totally work. Nothing has to be weird, right? I mean, it’s not like we were really even dating before or anything. There’s no reason for it to be weird. It’s definitely not for me. Is it for you?”

“No, er, of course not,” Hermann says. “It was my idea, wasn’t it?”

They’re totally over each other, but they can also totally pretend they’re not for a night or two, no sweat. “Cool,” Newt says, and repeats, maybe to convince himself, “It’ll be fun. We can dress up all fancy and wear matching ties or something and talk about how tragic we are. I’ll grab your ass in front of people and you can brag about how cool and smart and sexy I am.”

“You are not doing that,” Hermann says, “and I am not doing that. When have I ever—oh, nevermind. I am not averse to the neckties, however, especially if it means you’re at least attempting to look somewhat professional for our prospective—”

“Dude, come on, you totally just think I look hot in a suit.”

The splotchy red flush spreads from Hermann’s ears to his neck as he scowls at Newt. He doesn’t bother denying it: Newt’s sure they both vividly remember the most recent annual k-science research symposium when Newt finally let himself be talked into renting a fancy blazer, to look, uh, like the expert in your field you are, Newton, and Hermann had such a hard time keeping his hands off Newt in increasingly unchaste ways that they had to duck out early. I like when you look put-together and competent, Hermann said, or something along those lines, there was a lot of kissing going on and Newt wasn’t exactly paying attention to specifics. He ended up losing the deposit on the suit—which is why he stole the sandwich in the first place, actually. Very petty revenge. Full circle.

“Piss off,” Hermann grumbles.

“We’re gonna have to put in for just one hotel room if we wanna sell it, you know,” Newt says, the realization suddenly hitting him. “Maybe even one bed. It’ll look totally suspicious if we don’t, right?”

Hermann meets his eyes for a few awkward, quiet seconds, and then they both quickly look away from each other. Newt stands up and makes a show of gathering their untouched mugs, both of which have gone extremely cold. Hermann slips his glasses back on and opens up his desk drawer to shuffle through his immaculate spreadsheets again, pretending to look for errors that they both know aren't there.

“We’ve,” Hermann finally says, and then clears his throat. “We’ve survived worse. I'm sure we can manage. It’s only for two nights, after all.”

“Yeah, totally,” Newt says.

[the1975attheirverybest]

Education

A/N: okay, this fourth installment is unusual because I’ve decided to split it into two parts. Otherwise it would be enormously long and rambly. Or maybe I’m making a mistake? Idk. I just couldn’t justify skipping the details, given that the whole idea of this fic is the education, it wouldn’t be responsible or realistic of me to take those pieces out. So, I hope it doesn’t bore you to death or read like a sex education textbook. enjoy!

Warnings: kink

——-

Lesson #4: A visceral Introduction To Kink (pt 1/2)

“Knock, knock!” Amelia peeked her head into one of the lounge rooms on the third floor of the Dirty Hit offices. “You alright, boys?” she greeted as her eyes scanned the faces in the room. The smile on her face dropped when she saw that George, Adam, and Ross were in there without Matty.

“Hey, Amelia.” George smiled, prompting Ross to look up from his phone and give her a friendly wave. “What brings you here?”

“Is…Matty not around?” she directed her question to the empty center of the room.

“Afraid not, love.” George mumbled, and instantly received pointed stares from the three guys in the room. He exhaled audibly then added, “He, ummm…left not too long ago. To- go on a- date,” stuttering through his statement with a look that Amelia recognized, unmistakably, as pity. 

She did her best to conceal the sting in her heart behind as blank an expression as she could muster. It dawned on her, in that moment, how foolish she’d been. She’d come all the way to his place of work, for no good reason, without even bothering to check if he was there first. The prospect of getting to see him had propelled her through the busy streets of the city, with the speed of wind, and occupied her thinking so completely that she hadn’t stopped to ask herself why she was even doing this. She resented the clarity that disappointment brought her in hindsight. Wishing that the earth underneath her feet would open up and swallow her whole, she looked around at the guys and tried to think of a way to gracefully bow out of this interaction.

“Did you need him for something?” George asked, to fill the awkward silence.

She wanted to lash out. To tell George that he shouldn’t have said anything. To ask a million follow up questions about this ‘date’ that Matty is on. Instead, she smiled meekly, “Ummm…I just- wanted to drop off something of his.” she lied.

George scanned her head to toe, noticing that she was empty-handed. He decided that to point that out, or press her lie any further, would be too cruel. Especially given what he was about to do to her. “Well,” he shifted in his seat. “Come in for a moment, will you? Sit down, lets catch up.” he patted the empty seat next to him.

The pit in her stomach made Amelia nauseous; she just wanted to go home and cry into her pillow, but she trudged forward, determined to prove to herself that she was not, in fact, shaken by Matty’s dating. “I guess I have a moment.” she shrugged and sat on the couch next to George.

“Can I- ask you something?” George spoke again after a moment. Adam shook his head warningly.

“George” Ross called his name in an attempt to stop him, making Amelia sense that this was all premeditated.

“Sure, George.” Her response sounded more like a question than an answer.

“What are you and Matty doing, exactly?”

Ross and Adam both looked away immediately, each uncomfortable in their seats.

“E-excuse me?” she feigned ignorance to buy herself a moment to think.

George turned to look her in the eyes. She could see that this conversation was making him as uncomfortable as everyone else in the room. “You’re sleeping together.” He stated firmly.

Amelia’s mouth hung open. She shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe he told you, guys!”

George placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently. “He didn’t, babe.”

“Well, then, how-”

“You two aren’t as subtle as you think.”

She turned to look at Adam, who was blushing and nodding along reluctantly.

“We think its a bad idea.” George spoke.

“Mhm. We- we love you both so much.” Ross mumbled then took a moment to clear his throat. “But this’ll only end badly. Someone always gets hurt.”

“And it aint gonna be Matty.” George added, receiving chastising looks from his bandmates. 

“How- how dare you! You don’t know that. You don’t know that I won’t be the one to break his heart!”

“I- I do, though. Sorry, I don’t mean it like that, but Matty isn’t really thinking with his heart these days…if you know what I mean.”

“You’re such a dickhead, you know that? What? Just cuz I’m a woman, my heart has to be in my vagina?”

George winced at her words, physically squirming in his seat. “That’s not-“

“I have to go. But thanks for the talk, guys, really.”

***

Amelia had been walking around, aimlessly, for hours. Even as her indignation had fizzled out, George’s words still rang in her head. Was he right? Has she made a mistake? Did she even know what, exactly, she felt about Matty? She wanted. Desperately, to exonerate herself from George’s accusations, but the fact that she wasn’t sure troubled her. No matter how hard she tried to push her questions to the back of her mind and declare that the boys were overreacting, deep down, she worried.

How is she to know if her feelings are real, or if it’s just good sex? It’s not like she’s had non-emotional sexual connections before. It’s not even like she’s had good sex before. That’s what this whole arrangement was about. Her lack of experience, reluctance around casual hook-up, and Matty providing a safe, uncomplicated opportunity for her to learn. So much for uncomplicated.

Matty is her friend first and foremost. Of course she likes him. She always has. You can’t be friends with someone you don’t like. But does she like him, like him? Or does she just think he’s the sort of person you’d be friends with? Is she attracted to him? The man is objectively beautiful. And now that she’s seen him naked- how could she not be attracted to him? But she’s attracted to a lot of people that she doesn’t have feelings for. Robert Downey Jr. Is hot as Iron Man and as a mediocre Sherlock Holmes. But she doesn’t have feelings for Robert Downey Jr. Then again, she’s not friends with and also fucking, the marvel megastar.

She sighed, pausing on the sidewalk to fish her phone out of her pocket. She found the search engine app and typed in “how to figure out if you-“ her eyes skipped over the first auto-complete suggestion “have cancer,” “have Covid,” feeling the sting of humiliation, she swallowed and finished typing, “have feelings for someone.”

Do her thoughts return to him regularly? Sure. But that could just be that he was the first person to ever make her cum. Surely, her brain just associates him with pleasure. What’s the science on orgasm drunkness? Does she feel safe with him? He’s one of her oldest friends. She’s known him at his best and his worst. He’s stayed at her house, eaten her food, and now, he holds her hand gently, he bends over backwards making sure she’s comfortable before he initiates anything, regularly checks in with her to make sure she’s enjoying herself, and the one time when she wasn’t, he literally had his dick in her mouth, on the verge of an orgasm, and he still stopped as soon as she needed him to. If that’s not safe, then nothing is.

Thoughts of that night rushed back to her. His hand over hers, his self-satisfied smile when he saw the look of pleasure on her face, his firm grip on her hips to keep her from squirming away, and the gentle kiss he planted on her skin as she struggled to catch her breath in the aftermath.

She felt her stomach tighten. The internet was no help. And, now, all she wants is to see Matty. He probably knows all about love; he writes about it for a living. She could ask him. Or was that just another excuse she’s telling herself just to find a reason to see him? Damn you George Daniel, and your seeds of doubt! She looked up from her screen, resuming her aimless drifting.

She wondered what Matty was doing right now, and if he wanted to see her too, before remembering that, hours ago, George had said something about him having a date. Shocked by the lump in her throat growing at thought of Matty with some…bitch, she caught herself, “5. You feel Jealous of other people in their life.” Well, fuck.

She stopped to look at her phone again. Aggressively scrolling away from the search app to avoid having to look at that ominous list, she pulled up the text messaging app and tapped on Matty’s name.

“You home? Free?”

“Yeah, just ordered pizza. Want some?”

***

“So, you look all dressed up. Going anywhere tonight?” Her cheerful affectation sounded a little too obvious. She wasn’t as good at faking casualty as she’d thought. Hearing her own shallow tone, Amelia wondered if she should just skip the small talk and get straight to the questions.

Matty turned away from the tv, taking a moment to register what she’d said. “What? Oh, this” he looked down at his pink button down. “No, no. I- uh. Just got home not too long ago, actually.”

His date. Why was he home alone, then. Did it not go well? And why is she inexplicably happy about the possibility?

Matty stood up, clicking the “pause” button on the tv remote and grabbing a slice of pizza from the coffee table. “You wan’ a drink?” He asked, with a bulge in his cheek as he chewed his food on one side of his mouth. “Something to wash down all this food.”

“Sure, I’ll have a drink.”

He disappeared into the hallway, momentarily, returning seconds later and standing in the doorway. “Are we gonna have sex tonight?”

Amelia shook from head to toe, startled, both by his sudden return into the room and his question.

“Christ, Mia. Calm down.” He chuckled.

“Wh-what did you just ask me? And….don’t call me that!”

“Asked if we’re gonna have sex.”

She stared at him, wide-eyed and speechless; desperately pushing her brain to form a single thought, but Matty had effectively rendered her dumbfounded. Eventually, she uttered, “wh-why?”

“Well, I had a couple of drinks while I was out tonight. I wanna know if I should keep drinking or not. If we’re gonna have sex, im not gonna keep drinking.”

She smiled, touched by his consideration, even if it was blunt and rough around the edges.

“Is that smile meant to be a yes?” He quirked an eyebrow, leaning against the doorframe.

“I- umm- I-“

“I’ll just stick with coke, then. Keeping our options open.” He winked and disappeared out of the room again, leaving Amelia frozen in place, blushing, and considerably sweaty.

***

Amelia’s eyes stealthily glanced at Matty before darting away. He’d ended up on the same couch as her when he wanted to show her a few videos on his phone, and ever since then, she’d been acutely aware of his body. His hair ruffled in all directions and flattened where his head came into contact with the couch pillows, the rumbling and movement of his chest when he laughed, his slender fingers gripping the phone in one hand, and scrolling with the other. She attempted to ask him about love, four separate times. But talked herself out of it each time.

“M-Matty?” She blurted, shakily, before she could stop herself again.

“Hmm,” he hummed without looking up from his phone.

“You- have a lot of sex, right?” That was the worst possible way to initiate this conversation, but there’s no taking it back. She had to power through.

Her throat went dry as she watched Matty’s eyes widen and his brows furrow. Still not looking away from the screen, he took a moment to consider her question. “Sure. Unless you’re slut shaming me. Which….would be fair, I guess.” He giggled to himself, finally setting his phone down. “Why? Is this your way of saying you’ve decided you wanna have sex tonight?”

“No!” She panicked, regretting it instantly. “I mean, not about that! That’s not what I - Though , I mean, if you’re offering, I wouldn’t-“

Matty watched her blunder and chase her tail for what felt like an eternity, before finally interrupting. “I have no idea what’s going on right now. Do you wanna have sex or not? And you can say ‘no’ you get that, right? We’re allowed to just hang out, Mia, we’re friends, remember?”

“It’s Amelia.” She asserted, less firm than she’d intended. “And, yeah, of course we’re friends. I wasn’t- wasn’t afraid of saying ‘no.’” She paused, panting lightly like she’d just walked up a flight of stairs.

“Okay, then. Cuz I have some ideas.” A wide smile flashed across his face.

“Ideas?”

“Stuff we might wanna try. Though, I guess I should ask…how kinky are we?”

“I’m sorry, what?” She had no idea how she got to be in the middle of this conversation.

“Sorry, is there a more ladylike term I’m not aware of? I’m asking if you like specific things. Like…sexual fantasies. Fetishes- though I guess if you believe Freud, ‘Fetish’ s a derogatory term. Generally, speaking, I try to divorce my sex life for any Freudian politics, though.” Matty’s mouth twitched in a faint smile and he seemed to disappear into his own mind, off on a tangent about Freudian psycho-analysis. When he returned into the present moment, he looked Amelia in the eyes again, “ Do you have- shall we say ‘alternative’ sexual preferences that you’d like us to practice? That’s funny actually we should replace the word ‘alternative’ with kinky for everyday terms. ‘I’m Matty from The 1975 and I make kinky music.’” He giggled.

“I- don’t know.” She finally responded, barely audible, and her eyes escaping his.

“You don’t know?” Correcting the hint of confusion in his voice lest she construe it as judgement. “Alright, let me ask you this: is there anything that you’d like to try that we haven’t done yet?”

She shrugged, suddenly feeling humiliated, maybe for the first time in Matty’s presence.

He sensed the shift in her demeanor and became or desperate to reassure her, his tone more urgent. “Let’s put it this way: when you touch yourself, what do you imagine? What do you think about?”

She wanted to tell him that ever since they’ve started sleeping together, all she can ever think about is him. His touch, his body, how he makes her feel, but she knew Matty. She’d never let him have the satisfaction of knowing that. “Random things…the thing is though…that I’ve never actually tried them. So, I don’t know if they would feel good or if they just seem like they’re good in my imagination. I’m not dead inside, I have- ideas. I just have- nothing to compare them to. So they’re just ideas.”

Matty became quiet for a long moment, taking in her words, and considering what she’d expressed. His quietness made her uneasy. In the silence, she felt her words linger and echo louder and louder the more time went by without him responding.

“Okay…I think I get what you’re saying.” He said, slowly standing up and holding his hand out to her to take. “And I might have an idea.”

***

Amelia stared down at the spread that Matty has assembled on the bed in front of her. A flogger, a crop, a cane, nipple clamps, hand cuffs, a strange-looking object that looked like a pizza slicer, but with spikes on it, a vibrator, and an old tie of his, completely undone. The options made her feel slightly light-headed. “Sorry- umm, could you repeat that?”

“A scale, Amelia. It’s not that complicated. Kink is visceral, not cerebral. You can’t know without trying. It’s in your body, not just your head. So, I think we scale things. Any toy you say on here. I won’t use it on you without using it on myself first.”

She finally exhaled the breath that she’d been holding in since they’d walked into the bedroom.

“If it looks okay to you after you’ve seen in on my body, you can hold it and try it on me yourself. See what it feels like to be on the controlling end.”

She nodded, mostly reflexively.

“If that feels alright to you, and you’re certain you understand exactly what each instrument does, I’ll do it on you, but, like, somewhere safe. Completely clothed, or maybe on your hand. And, if and only if, that feels okay and you would like to try it during sex for real, then I’ll use it on you in bed. How’s that sound?”

She was excited now. “Sounds amazing, Matty. When do we start? Now?”

He giggled, relieved that her embarrassment and reluctance were no longer in the way. “Sure. Where do you wanna start?”

She chose the spiky pizza cutter. “This”

She saw a glimmer flash across Matty’s eyes. “The wartenberg wheel. We’re diving in head first, then. Alright.” He picked it up with on hand, sticking his other hand out and opening it flat in front of her. “So, the way this one works is, you see these pins at the ends of it? You essentially move it across the skin, the way you’d use a pizza cutter to cut pizza, you know how it rolls and the blade slices through the crust? Yeah. It’s like that. Except, in this case, instead of slicing you open, the pins on the wheel just prick your skin.”

“And- people find that sexy?”

Matty held in a chuckle. “Some do, yeah.”

“Show me.”

Matty lowered the instrument until it touched his open palm. “Here’s the trick with the Wartenberg though,” the wheel spun as he dragged it across his palm. “The faster you move it, the less painful. If you want it to hurt; really dig deep into the skin and prickle and linger, you gotta go really slow, give the skin time to feel it.”

Amelia felt herself break a sweat, her forehead perspiring.

“How’s it look?”

“In-interesting concept. Can I try it on you?”

“Eager student.” He smirked. “Sure, be my guest.”

Shakily, Amelia dragged the wheel across his palm, watching closely to make sure it didn’t draw blood. She’d realized that she’d been too focused on the instrument that she didn’t get to see Matty’s face as he felt it. “can I- do it again?”

“As Many times as you want, Mia.”

She rolled her eyes, then stared directly at him as she dragged the wheel across his skin a second time watching an eyebrow twitch slightly.

“Doesn’t seem so bad.”

Matty laughed. “I haven’t told you the worst part yet.”

She furrowed her brows “what?”

“This goes on the nipples.”

“Excuse me?!” Her jaw dropped. “What goes on the? No way!”

Matty unbuttoned his shirt, sliding it down his bag and tossing it to the floor.

“Go on; do it.” He pointed both hands at each of his nipples.

“I don’t- wanna hurt you.”

“It’s okay. Im giving you permission to; which, funnily enough, is the whole point of kinky sex. Weird shit that feels good cuz you want it. Fuckin hell. Im impressing even myself as a teacher.”

She let the wheel hover over his skin and dragged it across as lightly as possible, holding her breath the whole time. Dissatisfied with her motion, Matty place his hand over hers, pushing the pinwheel deeper in his skin as he dragged it over his own nipple, groaning when he felt it, and making her jerk up to look at him. “Was it bad? Does it hurt?”

He smiled, “kinda the point, darlin.’”

She hated that she found it attractive. Him being so close, instructing her, being gentle and patient with her, offering her his entire body to do with it as she chose, groaning and calling her ‘darlin’’ she’d never seen this side of him as a friend.

“Matty, I- gotta be honest.” She spoke hesitantly, watching the changes in his facial expression as he listened. “I don’t think the pin on nipple thing is really for me. Is that okay?”

He laughed. “Of course. And, now we have one less thing to consider.”

“It’s just- it seems so uncomfortable I-“

“Listen, every body is different. We all have different responses to external stimuli- what we find painful and what we enjoy. How much pain we can tolerate in any given moment. Even that can fluctuate from day to day, and how much pleasure or pain our body is already feeling. Just because I like something, doesn’t mean you will too. And just because you don’t like one type of pain or pleasure, doesn’t mean you won’t like any. You just have to find what works for you, does that make sense?”

He paused deliberately, giving her a moment to digest his words. “God, I sounded like an awful lecturer just then. Or a…motivational sexual speaker.”

To his delight, she giggled, confirming for him that she wasn’t scared or overwhelmed.

“Shall we carry on?”

They carried out the same process with varying degrees of progression on each instrument. Some things, Amelia enjoyed very much, tested on herself, and approved for later use, and some were excluded almost instantly. While others took a bit of trying. The cane, for example, excited and terrified her. It wasn’t until she had Matty undressed, on all fours, and hit his naked body with it. Watching hun jolt forward and hiss in pain, as the welt grew a bright, hot red stripe on across his butt that she decided she would temporarily eliminate it, with the possibility of trying it out on a later date.

This, Matty told her, is the difference between “hard and soft limits.” Hard limits were complete and absolute ‘no.’ ‘I don’t consent to this being used on my body now, or ever.’ ‘Soft limits,’ were the temporary nos. Future maybes. Or occasional yeses. Things you would only do sometimes. Not a regular or a staple, but you’re open to the idea of it.

Once they’d concluded this experimental learning session, Matty turned towards her. “Okay, ready to have some real fun now?”

[rueyam]

Salam <3

He messaged me on Saturday while I was at work. I felt it in my stomach when I saw his message pop up on the screen. He asked me if I wanted to meet him the next day and added, “I have something that might help us both.” So many thoughts went through my head, and I became even more nervous. I decided to meet him the next day after work. Long story short, from the moment I saw him until the end of our meeting, I realized that I didn’t want to continue with him. It might sound harsh, but the reasons for not wanting to continue became crystal clear, and I found even more reasons not to proceed.

Throughout our meeting, all I could think about was wanting to go home. I thanked Allah for making things clear for me and for not leaving me stuck between two choices. I am grateful that I attended that meeting, if I hadn't, I would definitely be filled with regret, thinking I might have lost a good potential and feeling sad about it.

I couldn’t express my decision right there and then. We were sitting in a cafeteria, surrounded by people, and I didn’t want him to feel ashamed or awkward in public. Besides, I didn’t want to disrupt everything when he had put so much effort into his appearance and choosing a place for us, etc., so I stayed until the end. That night, we went home without saying anything.

Now that I'm thinking back, he didn't even ask me how I felt after our meeting, he knew I was unsure about our situation. Perhaps he thought my agreement to meet him was a confirmation that I wanted to continue the "relationship"? I don't know. Because two days later (yesterday), he sent me a picture of small kittens and their prices, as if nothing had happened, as if we were planning for the future. As soon as I saw that message, I asked if we could talk on the phone, and that was our last conversation, I ended it there. All I felt afterward was relief and excitement. I don't know why excitement lol, maybe because I no longer had to deal with something I was unsure about. Like I can finally move on.

Please keep me in your prayers whenever you remember me, that Allah grants me a good, righteous spouse, someone I feel certain about, like them for who they are, and who feels like home to me. May he also feel the same way about me, ameen.

(I don't know if you saw my message I sent to you couple of days ago thanking @ sseol, pls let her know <3)

Salam <3

wa alaykum salam love and sorry for my delayed response, i was busy <3 my friend saw your message and will probably say something cute under this :‘)🤍

i‘m so happy you came to a final conclusion you are satisfied with. standing in between is so much more stressful than any kind of decision and no matter how hard it is to hurt someones feelings it is always better than faking something that isn’t. trusting your instinct will be the best thing for you both and will also prepare his path for him. something you can learn about the connection you had is that it was never pointless bc now you are closer to what you want and don’t want. you got closer to yourself.

oh i know that nauseous feeling you are talking about 😩 like it’s not even that the person is nauseating but your feelings towards him, like a warning sign, truly a blessing from Allah swt. you won’t feel that way for the right person, not after you gave him enough chances, this i can guarantee you.

thank you for the update and may Allah swt always protect you and grant you happiness and success in this world and the hereafter. may you come across someone who pleases your soul and may you both meet in the best of ways, at the best of time, ameen 💌✨

[tumblasha]

why was i like that (tl;dr in tags)

today i clicked on sgc's ig profile and saw that they use they/them pronouns now. and it makes me want to cry.

bc even tho we Literally went to high school together-ish (they were 3yrs after me?) we had such different experiences.

i was a Girl who hung out with guys who didn't respect me, went out with a boyfriend who was nice to me, and was too shy / awkward / busy being that shy nerd stereotype [1] that i had no "deep friendship". you could ask anyone anything about me and they wouldn't know the answer! and i wouldn't know anything about them!! [2] bc we were a small class (169) and everyone in town was a mix of neighbor and cousin, i got my invites to parties and dances, but i overall felt like i was on autopilot. i don't remember my life until i was ~16 [3]!! why!!!

i think a lot about how dr uju anya had a whole husband and child but over time realized she was a lesbian. not to parasocialize too much with this academic weapon, but i feel like i also had this experience (to a much smaller / younger degree). and i feel so sad thinking about how i could've saved so much pain in high school if i had just known i wasn't wired to like guys like that [4].

and i remember lindie [5], someone who's ~30 now and has been with her now-husband since she was ~13. one day we had a good phone call (post-hs-graduation) and she told me that for literally everyone else she could possibly see romantically / sexually, she's a lesbian. but she and her husband have literally Grown Up together. her love for him is something that goes beyond platonic / romantic / sexual attraction. it's a life partnership in every sense of the term.

this phone conversation lit a lightbulb in my summer 2019 brain. i knew that this high school bf of mine could be a life partner. we started dating when i was 11 or 12 and !!! we both saw each other grow up (at least to some degree). but something in the pit of my stomach told me i couldn't live a lie like that. it wouldn't be fair to him for me to have this self-discovery and just .. continue as if it didn't happen?

and so when someone said that dr. uju's pre-lesbian marriage was "sad" bc she didn't know she was a lesbian, i got (in my head) defensive. bc "it's totally possible to be happy and ignore this part of yourself!" (it's not).

for the longest time i told myself that being bisexual was the easiest sexuality to have bc i knew i liked women and i could always just end up with a guy to make my family happy, if i had to, ya know? i got mentally defensive when ppl online said that "invisibility is not a privilege" and "biphobia is real" bc i was subconsciously using this label as a way to hide the fact that the mere thought of a life with a man made me anxious / nauseous / scared.

and boy did that fear kick into overdrive anytime i was around a guy. if he even smiled at me, i'd go a little silly. it didn't even matter if he was straight, bi, ace, gay, or anything, i'd just latch onto the fact that it was a Man talking to me and i couldn't stop thinking about them and any comment they made that made them seem bored / annoyed at me made me spiral about my self-worth. but if there was ever a case that i Thought they even Maybe had an interest in me, i'd get nauseous again. to this day i feel like i still put guys up on a pedestal so i just have ... no guy friends [6].

this novel is a silly way of saying the following things.

the label "lesbian" is a vibe rn

heartstopper is a painful show for me to watch

sorry if ur a guy i met before i turned 20 that i was weird around : ( /nbh

sgc looks so happy. they're out and they look so happy. why couldn't that be me.

why was i like that.

---

[1] i had a goofy jock bf tho so was it really so bad?

[2] and to a certain degree this continues today? i don't know how to hold a conversation, i don't know how to ask questions, i don't have good memory of the conversations i Do manage to hold, my #1 fear is playing the newlyweds game with literally anybody. i once described making friends as 'learning a person's scripts / common conversation topics' and the other person in the room just kinda said 'haha yeah...' and i continued to pset :skull:

[3] and 16-17 was my sad era where i cried basically any time my bf and i were alone together. that man was so patient w me lmao

[4] why do i always say no? why can't i just calm down? why is it weird to describe us as 'friends but we also make out'?

[5] one of the coolest ppl i know. (death + suicide mentioned in this footnote) she was the french teacher that replaced my old french teacher after she died, and lindie really suffered for us. bc it was a catholic school, she was forced to cover up her tattoos, and she had to wear longer clothes (admin always told her to cover up even when she was wearing Long Clothes). she went through so much (miscarriage, lost here sense of self, etc.) and was literally suicidal but she still showed up for us. one of my fav teachers and an inspiration to this day.

[6] except for the two dudes (that might be) reading this, y'all are cool and literally the best. afaik i've been Normal around y'all so yay! growth!!

[clericofshadows]

I still have a lot of kaidan/zaeed stuff on the brain, so here's a fun little snippet of my next fic, which continues directly after you got me in a chokehold

Kaidan walked out of the building, breathing in the fresh, cool air.  To his surprise, Zaeed was already there, leaning against his motorcycle with a grin on his face.  “So, ready to grab some lunch?”

 “What are you in the mood for?” Kaidan asked, grabbing the helmet and putting it on.  

Zaeed climbed on the bike.  “Could go for some greasy fried food.”

Kaidan got on behind him, wrapping his arms around him and perching his head on his shoulder.  “Sounds good to me.  Have a place in mind?”

“I sure do.”  Zaeed took off from HQ.

They reached their destination relatively quickly, parking a block away.  Kaidan recognized the area, home to a hole-in-the-wall fried chicken place that was nothing short of excellent.  

“Good choice,” Kaidan said, reaching out for Zaeed’s hand as they walked across the street. 

Zaeed laced his fingers with his.  “You’re goddamn right.  Figured you’d be familiar.”

They walked inside the restaurant together, taking a seat at the nearest booth and glancing over the menu. 

A waiter came by and took their drink orders, both sticking to water for now. 

When he came back with their drinks, they decided to split a large order of spicy fried chicken with a selection of sides.  Kaidan opted for the mac and cheese and fried okra, while Zaeed ordered a basket of fries and onion rings.

“So,” Zaeed said after taking a long sip of his water.  “How did it go with Hackett?”

“I accepted the offer to join the N program and to continue Regis’s biotic plans,” Kaidan summarized.  “I’ll give you the full thing once we’re back home.”  Realizing what he just said, he widened his eyes and tried to backtrack, but Zaeed shushed him.

“It’s only been a day but I caught myself calling it home, too,” Zaeed admitted.  

Kaidan sheepishly rubbed his neck.  “It’s all moving really fast, but I guess we were always like that.”

“Even you and Regis?” He asked.  

“Not exactly.”  Kaidan took a drink of his water.  “We were friends for a while before we decided to get together, and he was the catalyst there.  Did we ever mention how we met?”

He shook his head.  “Not in detail.  Something about meeting in biotic training.”

That’s one way to put it.  Biotic training.

BAaT still wasn’t easy for him to talk about, even if Regis helped ease his pain about it.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, not elaborating further.  Soon, maybe, but not here.  “We were friends for a couple of years before he made the first move one day while visiting me and my family.”

The waiter dropped off their food.  They took a moment to grab something from each plate and basket.  Their conversation lulled as they ate, enjoying each other’s company and the good comfort food.

As they started to slow down, Kaidan had to ask, “What the hell is a Frozen Pyjak, and what does it have to do with you and Hackett knowing each other?”

Zaeed grinned, setting down his fork and wiping his hands on a napkin.  “I knew it was bugging the shit out of you.  So, it’s a type of drink, y’know, the kind of thing that a bartender makes if they are pissed off at someone.”

“Okay…” Kaidan trailed off, furrowing his eyebrows. “Go on,” he said, moving his hand in a circle.

“The bartender empties their spill pad into a glass, something fancy, and spruces it up with some kind of garnish so it doesn’t look like complete shit.  And they give that to whatever unsuspecting customer that pissed them off.  Terrible business.  Even I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy.” Zaeed hesitated, tilting his head in thought.  “Well, maybe I would.  Anyway, I think it’s goddamn horrid.”

Kaidan almost felt a little nauseous at the idea of the drink.   “I’ll, uh, keep that in mind.  So what does this have to do with–”

“I’m getting there,” Zaeed said, picking up his fork and stabbing at the remnants of his fries.  “I never told you this, and I probably should’ve, but back in the day, I was nearly Alliance.  Ultimately decided against it, but Hackett and I were in the same group.  Stayed friends even after I left.  Were more than that for a bit as he moved up in the ranks and I became involved in the Blue Suns.”

Kaidan wasn’t surprised to hear about the relationship part.  Something about the way Zaeed talked about him–a far off look in his eye–spoke of warm nostalgia.  However, hearing that Zaeed was almost Alliance threw him for a loop.

Feeling like part of the story was missing, Kaidan motioned for him to continue.  

“Most importantly, he was someone I could rely on after Vido shot me in the face,” Zaeed admitted, absentmindedly rubbing at his scar.  “Helped me out for a while before I got back out there.”

A deep bond, then.  Kaidan barely knew the details about the scar.  Regis had asked about it, and Zaeed told them about the betrayal and his vow for revenge.

Still, where does the drink fall into all of this?

“So, when I say that I can trust him, you can too.  Because our whole ‘thing’ started after someone tried to pull that drink shit on me.  Damn near started a bar fight over it.  Got ourselves kicked out, and well, if that someone was willing to lose a local haunt for me, then maybe he’s worth something,” Zaeed finished, a hint of a grin tugging on his lips.

Kaidan chose to not ask what Zaeed might’ve done to piss the bartender off.

“So, you two became friends all because of a fucked up drink?” Kaidan asked.

“Well, the three of us decided to fuck each other after you two got targeted by the vorcha mafia,” Zaeed shot back without missing a beat.  “And after I helped save your asses and almost losing my target.”

Well, he had a point.  Kaidan conceded, “Fair enough, but I remember us saving your ass when you misjudged how powerful vorcha biotics can be.”

“Agree to disagree.” Zaeed motioned with his fork, moving to spear the last of the fried okra from Kaidan’s plate.

“Hey!” He protested, fingers twitching to put the man in a slight Stasis, enough to stall his movement and steal his food back.  “You should’ve ordered more if you wanted some.”

“That was playing dirty,” Zaeed accused, pointing his fork at him.  “But smooth.  Barely felt like something was wrong before you zapped me out of it.”

Kaidan shrugged, chewing and swallowing the rest of the okra.  “That’s the point.  What are you going to do about it?”

“I think you have an idea.”

“Do I?” 

Zaeed pushed away his plate and tossed a credit chit on the table. "Yeah, you do.  There’s enough there to cover everything and some extra.  Let’s get the hell out of here.”

“Right behind you."

[saralayne]

We’re In This Together 🩷

Kelly returns home. Our favourite married couple receive some news😉

It had been a few weeks since Kelly returned home to Chicago. Stella was at her breaking point and couldn’t take him being away any longer. She just wanted her husband with her. After finding out he had left Alabama and taken on a new case without her knowledge had left her spinning. They both have done this dance before and Stella was well aware she was at fault when she had stayed silent on her GOF trip. BUT they had worked hard with their communicating and many long talks and had promised one another to never cause one another that feeling of abandonment. They are married now, husband and wife. Their first year of marriage was filled with hardship. With the Campbell debacle at the cabin on their wedding night and then the after effects of the RPG incident which had lasting effects on Stella. They had finally moved forward. Stella had healed physically and emotionally. Only for Kelly to leave for OFI training, which Stella fully supported until the distance was becoming unmanageable.

The first couple weeks he was back was rough. They tried to pick up from when he left but there was feelings on both sides. Stella gave him a lot to think about when they returned home and really talked. She had confided in him her fears regarding Benny and even relayed to him her conversation with Boden. That hit Kelly hard. He had made a point since his dads death that he would never become his father in his personal life. Never treat his wife the way Benny treated his Mom. The fact that Stella had questioned that made him angry. ‘How could she ever think that?’ But as he had time to really think about it, he understood how she started to feel that way. It made him sick to his stomach. He soon realized he needed to show her not with just words but actions too that he was not that man. He needed to show her those words from a few years back still rang true. “You deserve a better man than me, so I decided I’m gonna be the man you deserve”

After many nights of talking and reconnecting, they became them again. Their marriage felt blissful and happy again. They fell even more in love with each other. Kelly was happy to be back leading Squad and Stella leading Truck. Still, sneaking in small moments while on shift. Stella had pulled back on hours at Mollys to give them quality time together while they were off shift. They felt fully connected with one another again and vowed to each other to always have the hard talks to make sure neither of them ever feel disconnected again. Talk about any fears. Life was peaceful again. Returning to their married routine.

ONE MONTH LATER

Stella had started to feel a little off. She was run down, fatigued and even had a couple episodes of dizziness. On occasion, feeling nauseous. That particular rotation of shifts had been crazy busy. Call after call. As she was lieutenant she was always left with a mountain of paperwork. She chalked it up to just being exhausted. Things slowed down on the next shifts and she was still feeling off. Stella having medical knowledge and knowing her body had a feeling. She didn’t want to worry her husband for no reason. She knew she needed to get an answer. Kelly had reluctantly agreed to teach a few classes at the academy which Stella agreed he should continue to do. After shift, as Kelly kissed his wife, telling her he wouldn’t be late…Stella headed to drug store. She would have a few hours before he returned home. As Stella stood in their bathroom, looking in the mirror at her reflection waiting for the timer on what would essentially be the most important test she had ever taken…much more even than the lieutenant exam. Taking her out of her thoughts was her phone alarm ringing. Looking down and seeing the writing on the wall so to speak…PREGNANT. Panic set in. ‘Were they ready for this?’ ‘They had finally gotten to a good place again’ What about work?’ ‘How would Kelly feel?’ Every possible fear occupied Stella’s mind. With all the fears also came happiness. The thought of a baby. Her and Kelly’s baby. Then the idea of their family made her smile.

A couple hours later, Kelly returned home.

“Hey babe. I’m home” calling out Kelly as he closed the door.

“Hi handsome. How was the academy?”

“Oh it was good, same old” Kelly smirking

Kelly could immediately sense something was off with his wife. They were like a well oiled machine. Very in tune with one another and when they were having feelings about something.

“Stel. Is everything ok?”

“That depends” answering Stella

“What do you mean, babe?”

Stella had thought about the perfect way to tell him but she was at a loss for words at the moment. All she could muster was to open her hand with the pregnancy test resting in her palm. As she looked up in her husbands piercing blue eyes which were almost bulging out of his head. “Stella, is this for real? Umm…Your pregnant?”

“It’s for real” as tears started falling down her cheeks.

“WOW”

The rest of the night was a comfortable silence. This was a lot to process especially given what they had been through together these past weeks. In the morning, as they made their way to shift.

“Stel. You wanna talk?”

“I do. I don’t want you to hate me?”

“Babe, what are you talking about? questioning Kelly.

“I’m scared” whispering Stella “Lets talk after shift. I love you Kelly”

“I love you too, Stella”

Shift went along. Kelly hadn’t seen much of his wife as truck had been busy out on calls. He was worried about her and her fears. Truth be told, he was also scared. Trying to decipher if she was feeling normal pregnancy fears or if it was more than that. ‘Was she worried he was gonna leave?’ That thought gave him knots in his stomach. He knew they would talk later but he needed her to know right away how he was feeling, desperately wanting to give her reassurance and comfort. He saw Truck was back. Kelly made his way to the common room, on his way spotting his wife.

“Whoa. Hey there, handsome”

“Babe. I need to talk to you for a minute”

“Kelly. I promise to talk tonight”

“I know, I just want to tell you…”

“YOU’RE HERE, I’M HERE, WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER”

Before Stella could respond, her husbands lips were crashing into hers. Just a few words gave Stella the comfort she needed. They would most definitely talk more. Just knowing everything was going to be ok and they would go through this together. Side by side washed away any doubt.

[pbandjesse]

Today was mostly me sleeping so I don't how interesting this book is going to be but it was not a bad day. I can't think about things too hard or I become very sad. So I'm sleeping instead so I don't have to think. That's the theory anyway.

I honestly didn't sleep too bad last night but I did get woken up at like 4:00 a.m. because we forgot to take the air conditioner off of Eco mode and it turned itself off and so it was too quiet in here and the air was too still and that woke me up and I feel very dizzy and then I got up to go to the bathroom and then James made me upset because they moved and I was going to fall and it was the whole thing. But eventually I fell back asleep. And when my alarm went off at 7:00 I was miserable. My neck hurts so bad and I was so tired and dizzy and I didn't want to go anywhere but I am trying my best to skip as few markets as possible. So I got up and got dressed and tried to feel okay but it was very hard.

I was so tired I didn't even want to stop for breakfast because the idea of getting a fried food and a soda made me feel nauseous. Ann said that that was very concerning.

James help me set up the table and I tried setting up in a different way because I had the two extra baskets but I ended up putting it back and just using the trunk as some extra space which I think worked out fine. A couple people were interested in the larger stuffies and pick them up and hug them but nobody bought any of them. Honestly I was not having a very good sale day today.

Some of it was just because I don't make very good sales when I sit down and I was so tired that I just wanted to sit but I kept forcing myself to stand up. For the first hour I was just working on my knitting and one of the little girls from last week, Talia, would come and sit with me and she did five rows of knitting which she did a good job after the first one. The first one was a little too loose in parts and once I showed her how to fix that she got the rest of them no problem. It was funny she just kept repeating I'm so good at this. And that was just great I loved the confidence.

I would get a lot of sewing done too. I finished a couple more pigs and a couple of the frogs. Still have a few to do in the bag but I'm not in any rush because my table is very full right now. And I lose mostly just happy to be there. Not that I was happy to not be in bed because that's where it really wanted to be but the weather was really nice and I was enjoying the breeze.

I was a little frustrated that I wasn't selling anything and then James had made a comment about wanting me to buy some of the produce for our camping trip next weekend but then they weren't answering me and I was getting really frustrated. They had come out earlier and we had bought baked goods and it was the first time we had gotten fall flavors and they were so good but I was still just really frustrated and I was tired and I just wanted the day to be over.

I was texting Jess and telling her that I was just very grouchy and it was making me very annoyed with James and that was not nice. I didn't want to be annoyed but I really really was.

Eventually though I did make a sale. I sold some stickers and that made me feel a little bit better. But I was still annoyed and I decided I should go inside and see why James is not answering me.

But it turned out that the museum just got really busy all of a sudden. And they apologized but I was still a little perturbed. But I got over it. And they came out and bought the vegetables themselves. And I bought myself guacamole because they were back to the regular avocados. And the nice man gave me a dollar discount. I have no idea why but he did and it was really nice of him. I wish I could speak Spanish better so that I could have a conversation with him but he was very kind.

I would make a couple more sales and I ended the day with $50. Not my best day but not my worst. I enjoyed talking to Stanley and Ann. It was Stanley's birthday on Wednesday and he had gone to Atlantic City with his family and so I was asking how it was and he said oh we left in Atlantic City like right away on Wednesday and I was like oh my God why? And it turns out his granddaughter gave birth on his birthday so that is his 7th great grandchild! He is 18 grandchildren! I had no idea. I'm glad there should be more Stanley's in the world. He's the best. And I'm so happy for him. I hope that Miles is doing well. That's the baby's name.

I was a little sad to find out that Jimmy Buffett died. Not that I particularly cared about his music but I loved his vibe and I liked the culture around Jimmy Buffett. And he gives me good feelings because of how connected to the McElroy's he was. But I was a little sad about that. Just another thing.

People keep telling me that they're sorry about Sabrina. And it's hard for me to accept that. I don't know what to say. I just say what could you do or it's okay or yeah it's bad or whatever but I don't have a good response and I don't want to think about it. Don't want to think about the fact that she's gone and it's a waste and it sucks and it's stupid. I don't want to spend time thinking about it in my brain because my brain is so sad about it if I think about it too much. But then I feel bad for not thinking about it. So the whole thing is very dumb. And then I feel selfish. I can't win.

I was still exhausted though and so happy when we reached 1:00. A little bit before then I had had this lovely conversation with a family who were just so excited about my plushies and they took a card and they bought a couple things and they were just so supportive and they really made the end of my day really nice. So I sold a frog, a pig, a keychain, and a sticker sheet. It was not a bad day at all.

I went and said goodbye to James and then I got in the car and I headed home. There was a pretty bad accident in the other direction on MLK. There was a car that had flipped over which was wild looking. But I still got home before 1:30. I hope everyone is okay in the accident. It looked like people were mostly just standing around so I think no one was seriously injured.

When I got back here I put away the groceries. I wasn't sure which vegetables James wanted in the fridge specifically the corn. But I left everything out so that they could decide those things and then I took a quick shower and I laid down.

And this was a very long nap. Fell asleep around 2:00 and I woke up at 4:30. James was here and they were very excited to see me. But I was so woozy and tired still and I came out and I said hello and I went to the bathroom and then I came back and laid back down. And I fell asleep until 6:30.

Did I mean to take a 4 and 1/2 hour nap no. But I apparently really needed it. When I woke up James was gone. They were doing a shift at the theater tonight. And I was happy to see that they had made me a quesadilla. I love my husband so much.

I ate my quesadilla with some of the guacamole that I bought. And I hung out with sweet pea. Then I painted my toenails and I trimmed my bangs. And I looked over the camping list and made sure that everything seemed solid toiletry-wise. I also refilled some of my toiletry containers. I don't plan on sleeping over Jesse's tomorrow when I go to visit her but I'm bringing stuff just in case I decide that I don't feel comfortable driving home because I'm too tired. We'll see what happens.

But it's been a pretty nice evening. I mostly just been hanging out. I put on the air conditioner again I'm wearing a sweatshirt which is just really nice. Especially '90s all week but I am still trying to make it to be fall already. You know how things are.

And now I'm just waiting for James to come back. I am going to see Jeff tomorrow but probably just for the day. And I hope that it is just a beautiful afternoon. I hope that you all sleep good and have a good day. Until next time.

[rorywritessmut]

So, I am cthulhuandthejellyfish on AO3 and I wanted to share of my fics with you guys on here! I took my most popular one from there and am posting it here! Please enjoy and remember to read the TW!

As a reminder, I write these based off of deeply emotional experiences that happened to me because my therapist said it was good for me. Enjoy my own personal angst.

Song is The Scientist by Coldplay

TW: Abuse, underage sex mentioned not described, manipulation, homophobia

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry

Izuku couldn’t believe Bakugou was choosing now to do this. He couldn’t believe that Bakugou got drunk enough to try and get back together with him, after all these years.

“Izuku-” Kaachan started.

“Don’t, don’t use my first name Kaachan.” Izuku was struggling to look him in the eyes. Kaachan had cornered him in the alleyway, his face beat red from the alcohol.

“I just want to say sorry,” He reached out and grabbed Izuku’s chin, “look at me, you damn nerd.” Classic Bakugou, he couldn’t stay civil for more than a couple of minutes. Izuku was already tired of this conversation.

Tonight was the UA class reunion and Izuku hadn’t planned on running into Bakugou, at least not like this. He figured that he was going to enjoy the night meeting up with busy friends and look stunning as Shouto’s arm candy. He thought that seeing Bakugou after all these years wouldn’t stir up old memories, but it did. Those same memories sat on his chest and made it hard to breathe, making his eyes water. Worst of all, those memories made him nauseous for all of the bullshit he let Kaachan put him through.

You don’t know how lovely you are, I had to find you, tell you I need you

“Please,” the sob cut through Izuku’s thoughts. “Please just hear me out Midoryia. Please, just let me tell you everything I’ve wanted to say for the past 5 years.” Tears were forming at the corners of Bakugou’s eyes. His form quivered and his palms were smoking.

“You don’t deserve it.”

“Five minutes is all I need.”

“No.” Izuku felt like his throat was caught in his throat. He was torn. Seeing Bakugou so torn up over him made his gut clench with guilt. However, the stronger side of him knew that this was just another form of manipulation.

“Fine. I’ll just talk,” Bakugou retained his cocky attitude, straightening his back.”I’m sorry for not treasuring you in High school. I should have been a better boyfriend than I was. My biggest regret is letting you go.” Bakugou set a gentle hand on Izuku’s cheek, stroking his cheek with a calloused thumb. His molten red eyes were lidded and soft. Seeing that face and being touched liked this set Izuku off.

“Your biggest regret is letting me go” Izuku felt the green electricity crackle with fury around him. He smacked Kaachan’s hand away from him and took a step forward. “You’d think your biggest regret was cheating on me and making me feel like it was my fault.” Izuku took another step forward.

“Izuku-”

“No! Your biggest regret should be the many times you manipulated me and humiliated me. It should be the fact you hid our relationship because you wanted to screw around!” Izuku was screaming now. Tears welled and spilled down his cheeks. Bakugou didn’t get to pretend that every terrible thing in their relationship didn’t happen. After a pregnant silence Bakugou spoke up.

“You think I hid our relationship so I could screw around?” Bakugou’s hands were smoking again. “I hid our relationship because no one knew I was gay!”

“Yet you bragged to everyone that you screwed around with Kirishima.” Izuku narrowed his eyes remembering the heartbroken redhead. He remembered how Kirishima cried to Izuku about how Bakugou screwed him then left him, about how he was nothing more than a failed experiment.

“That’s besides the point!” Bakugou was getting mad now. His spine was rimrod straight and his eyes were narrowed, focused solely on Midoriya.

“It’s not! You were a terrible boyfriend and you could never admit you were wrong. Even now you can’t own up to your mistakes!” Of course, Izuku wouldn’t miss how Bakugou focused on only one part of Izuku’s gripes.

“I just apologized,” Bakugou bit each word and spit them into Izuku’s face.

“You half assed your apology. I’m done here,” Izuku pushed past Bakugou and made way for the door. It was starting to get cold outside anyways.

“We’re not done here, nerd!” Bakugou’s voice faded as the door shut behind Izuku. He figured now would be the time to find Todoroki and get out of here.

No one ever said it would be this hard, Oh, take me back to the start

Izuku didn’t get the chance to find Todoroki before he had to run to the bathroom. He started to vomit every feeling he had into the toilet. Again, and again, and again until there was nothing left but numbness. Memories that were once long forgotten rushed back into his mind. Taunting him with happy and sad memories.

Memories like the times him and Bakugou made love at a young age. The secret the two of them held between each other until the fateful night that Kirishima came to him. The secret that Izuku thought was special between them seemed to be a secret Bakugou shared with everyone. Kirishima had walked in on Bakugou and some girl from class C. It was a shock to Izuku at the time. Yet, he stayed.

Memories like how Bakugou went on dates with women in public. Let them flirt with him in public. All those women who would fawn to Izuku about how amazing of a guy the terror of UA really was. How, one night Izuku slapped Bakugou for flirting with Momo instead of coming into his room like they had planned. How humiliated he felt when he told the class they were dating and Bakugou made fun of him, told he was delusional.

All of the manipulation came to the surface and Izuku began to silently sob. Tears ran down his face in a silent race to his chin. All the times he manipulated Izuku into sex with hate filled words. All of the times he made Izuku feel like shit for getting upset about his female conquests. The blame game every time.

“I can’t be gay and be the number one hero, ‘Zuku.” Bakugou touched Izuku’s face gently and kissed him, keeping Izuku from responding the way he wanted.

Izuku hated that Bakugou’s internalized homophobia rubbed off on him, even after they separated. It took two years after graduation for Todoroki to convince Izuku to date him and another year to convince him to go public. Izuku was scared he’d lose his spot as the number one hero if he was outed to the public but he proved wrong, again. The world loved Izuku no matter who he loved. Todoroki loved Izuku no matter who he was.

Tell you I set you apart

“Izuku,” a smooth voice broke the panic that had begun to set in.

“Sho, I-” His voice cracked and revealed every feeling that had taken hold in his mind.

“No need to tell me. I saw the way Bakugou stormed out of here. I figured it out once I hadn’t seen you after,” There was a pause, “Are you okay?” Todoroki’s voice came out in a whisper. Almost like Izuku would break if he spoke any louder.

“No.” Izuku managed to choke out. He couldn’t believe that Shouto had found him like this. A bumbling mess leaning on a toilet.

“Do you need help getting up? Do you want to go home?” Shouto’s voice was heavy and laced with concern, the love weighed down Izuku’s heart. Did he really deserve this love? Did he deserve to be doted on by the amazing Todoroki Shouto? “Don’t let your head get to you.” He could always read Izuku’s mind.

“I’m not fine, I need help,” Todoroki took that as a sign to melt to lock off the door. “Sho, not like that.” He chuckled as his boyfriend helped him off the floor and out of the bathroom.

“Let’s go home, Izuku”

[the-moons-secret-sideshow]

Work Story From a Few Days Ago

I have Anxiety with Panic, diagnosed about 2 years ago and I have semi-severe panic attacks on a fairly regular basis at my retail job. Normally I can think my way out of them if I know what triggered it, I can rationalize my emotions and make it through the day.

About a month ago I was at work for maybe 20 minutes, nothing had happened, no triggers had gone off, I'd barely had time to talk to anyone, coworker or customer when all of a sudden I feel That Feeling™ that means I'm about to melt down.

I know I need to tell someone cause I don't want someone to stumble upon me having a freak-out so I go to a manager and basically say "I'm having an unprompted panic attack and I need some time to not do anything." To be fair to her she was fairly compassionate, as compassionate as you can allow yourself to be when you're working a demanding retail manager job I imagine. She told me to find a spot to sit down and get a glass of water from the water cooler, so I do that and in about five minutes I'm still jittery but well enough to go back to work.

This happens around once a month, more frequently during busy times like sales and holidays. I'm honestly lucky that I have a manager who understands, she's a middle-aged woman who was recently diagnosed with ADHD herself (a condition we share) and she's very compassionate toward me and encourages me often to reach out to her and other managers when I'm having those kinds of days. But it's still hard sometimes.

The story this post is actually about:

Last week I was working in the electronics section when some guy comes up behind me and attempts to swipe an expensive item from a box I brought to the floor. At this time I am still not completely sure whether he was able to steal it or not. I talked to security and the view from the cameras isn't good enough to determine if he got it or not either. When I say this guy was Right Behind me, I mean he was less than a foot away, if I had reached out I would have touched him.

Regardless he doesn't stick around for me to ask so I call a security guard over and give him the guy's description. They do a big song and dance trailing him through the store but long story short the guy leaves and they don't stop him. Don't ask me why, they just didn't have the right to and that's all I know. (This also isn't me condemning corporate theft but that's a conversation for a different post)

This is not the first theft incident I've been involved in at this store. On my second day less than 48 hours into my employment a different guy manages to steal 2 $1K tablets. So this is strike 2 on my record. I know how the corporate machine works, I've been fired for less before, so That Feeling™ starts creeping up my throat and I start feeling nauseous and light-headed. Acid in the back of my throat, heart pounding, cold sweat because if I lose this job, I won't make rent. It took me 10 months to get this job and I need to make enough to cover my expenses in the next two weeks.

At this point my coworkers are understandably concerned. They're trying to reassure me by saying things like "You do good work here!" "It wasn't your fault!" and the problem is I Know. I Know it wasn't my fault. I Know I do good work here, I Know all of that, but that does not mean that Corporate workers are going to care. And at one point I look at them, tears crawling up my throat and I whimper a pathetic "I can't lose this job." before promptly bursting into hot tears.

I start panicking but I need to keep doing my job, so I do my best while actively crying to work more product to the floor until the manager that spoke with me about the incident finds me in the back room (I'd calmed down a bit by now) and basically says "look the higher-ups are going to have to talk to you, but they're not going to fire you over this. You're not going to be fired tomorrow."

And I know she was trying to be reassuring. I know. Just like my coworkers were trying to be reassuring, but I Am Not Worried About Losing My Job Tomorrow. I know this is not the final strike, but regardless of when it happens, this incident means I am One Step Closer to losing my job. I tell this to my manager as she's trying to reassure me and it basically stops her in her tracks, because what can she say? 'No, that's not true?' she can't say that, cause that's a lie.

Obviously I'm still not 100% over this incident, but I've had enough time between it happening and now that I can put my thoughts more effectively into words and... I guess I'm asking for comradery maybe? If there's any to be had?

I know Retail Job Hard isn't exactly news-worthy but I've been dealing with this problem for a long time at multiple jobs (I have some nice stories about my gas station manager who heard some fucked up shit from me and was really chill about it) so if there's anyone out there who has advice on... maybe how to deal with anxiety or panic attacks at work, I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who thinks they could help.

[mettasing]

⚠️ !FOLLOWING VENT WARNING! ⚠️

i still remember that "psychologist". essentially, i tried to tell her just one thing, but she was ignoring me, saying shit like dayum maybe some art therapy (because SHE is "artsy") maybe religion (because SHE is religious) maybe socialization (because SHE is lonely, and my explanations included me comfortable being asocial, not ostracized), maybe you need to move to fucking st. petersburg to find "your people" (because... you get the point). or clumsily trying to sell her own graphomania (i read it before i've got to talk, i thought her artistic and professional skills didn't link together) and "artsiness" to me. essentially, it was like i was unreasonable (got physically sick and nauseous from this conversation even though there was no conflict, i've just realised i probably wasn't being heard so i left). like i had some ffvi cast before me with "touch grass" and "love yourself" type of advices, but instead of human beings who have grown from their fears and sorrows and were gonna fight for their and everyone's better lives, it was a sheltered philistine who was more akin to ms. fleming from heathers. so later i've heard from my friend (who was actually interacting with her basically everyday) that she thought i had some major depression and anxiety disorder but she was AFRAID to suggest that i needed professional help. so she preferred to drag me around for a couple of weeks, while i was uncertain and vulnerable for trusting my problems to someone outside of my circle, thinking i was just dramatic. and my fears and doubts in her were cemented.

why do i know about her projecting instead of giving actual advice? why do i call her "philistine"? it's because i know how she tried to help people (who actually needed it, so much more than me) and failed miserably because she wasn't able to see outside of her own figurine. she was a guidance chancellor and a college supervisor who didn't do her job, travelling around the country when she should have been working; she was safe because she was friends with her respected colleague, and she never knew her students' whereabouts. tbh, she never conversed with them properly. they didn't respect her because they were assertive and she was too meek and pathetic for them, she didn't respect them because they were commonfolk beneath her level unable to understand her artistic soul. with a few fatal exceptions. she was "sad" and "disappointed" that an suicidal autistic person with unprocessed traumas who grew up in poverty and depravity didn't wanted to "see the world, meet new people and make art" in the middle of a fucking episode (under her supposed care!). she was convincing my friend to return to their ex even though they were (and still are) traumatized and physically unwell from this relationship, on top of their own problems. because their ex is a "rare, unique, creative" person. after she learned the truth (it was a whole fucking shitshow, a final act that erupted and then lasted half a year and i even got my part in it), she proceeded to say TO MY FRIENDS' FACE that she still "liked" their ex. it's not a teacher's business to make friends with students, but i think her loneliness got the best of her. she chose two ostracized people in her group, and at first it was seen as a good thing. it's good to have a figure of authority who can understand you and protect you amidst the bullying. but in this case, because of what i stated earlier, it wasn't the truth. she just wanted some younger people to adore her, look at her collection (it's really impressive, though) or read her... novels. whole other topic. i don't like trashing onto somebody's art like it's 2015-2017 "fandom trash" fairy mary sue era, i've got out of there and learned. but she basically became that dismissive adult once it was clear that no one was impressed by her artistic journey, even those who were supposed to understand her. also, for the "philistine" comment. it's no secret that liberal arts/art history and criticism people are different from artists. they understand the basis, the elements, the skeleton, the guts of an art piece. they can explain it. but to assemble it? the puzzle pieces will be visible on the skin. it won't be pretty. maybe it's me who's projecting here as a music theory major who will go hyperventilating and sweating everytime they need to stop analysing and start playing (something something growing up with corporal punishment and emotional abuse teehee🤭🤭 i don't like to use this word for me plus i'm just not a composer). like she knows her art history, she's passionate, she drops literature references left and right in her work, she uses fucking philosophy books' passages as epigraphs even though they look completely out of place in her b-list science fiction novel... but there's no live thought. she doesn't want people to criticise her for it. it may be fair but not when you call yourself a writer and make your work a part of your personality. no, she just wants adoration and admiration, and you are out of picture when you fail to provide her with it.

looks like i've just gnawed onto somebody. just a human. but, uh. yes. JUST a human. i got myself into a lengthy explanation of someone i consider a face of pop-psychology. not my first encounter with a therapist, but a very telling one. it's a person who's comfortable with the idea of helping, even though the only help they can provide is just "talk and feel". they won't care and will be afraid, dismissive, rude, condescending if someone who's outside of their (oh, how i dread these words) comfort zone steps into their office. suddenly, there are boundaries. you are the problem again. you are "too much" again. they can opt out of helping you, not even bothering to explain themselves and hinting at your fault and "difficulty" in their decision. "we're all human", until you say you're alienated from society and physically can't consider someone's worth and feelings until told, and ruin the fun. "we're all have lows in our lives", until you say you're worthless piece of shit and you starved today again because you hope you'll gradually disappear that way and won't cause troubles and grief to your loved ones, and spoil the milk. "we're all capable and talented and valuable in our own way", until you ask what's so valuable about a high-school drop-out disappointment who didn't even peak there and won't be able to afford higher education money-, time- and health-wise because they blew up academically being unwell and unchecked and now they're even worse – and shatter the magic. now you're just arguing, now you're trying to be special. you haven't even talked about your debilitating fears and anxiety, your inability to groom yourself, your manic episodes leaving you shattered and isolated, your paranoid delusions locking you inside your room and head. you're already a "narcissist" because you haven't started immediately to lick their boot for gracing you with answer. your mommy didn't love you, you daddy have been beating you. you are incapable of understanding, loving (whisper) and be loved by other people, because you're so hypocritical, broken, full of yourself and straight up not nice. now, please disappear forever.

[justjessame]

Babysitting Butcher: Chapter 68

Choking down a dinner that, for all of the great scents that came from its creation, tasted like sandpaper was the simplest part of my day.

Doing it while seated across from a man that I wasn’t certain I could trust, or at least I couldn’t trust him to be honest with me about what he’d been doing when I wasn’t at his side was the second hardest.

And by this point I was feeling like I wasn’t ready to add to the tally of shitty parts of a day that should have ended after Joe Kessler darkened my office door. Clearly Billy didn’t get the memo.

His fork clattering onto the plate should have warned me, but I was clearly in my own world of tasteless food and misery.

“I met Maeve to get intel on how to bring Homelander down,” I didn’t look up from what was left on my plate, not when I could see how she’d looked when she left the apartment. “And let’s just say that push came to shove and -” he huffed out a long breath and I felt like maybe I never knew him at all, not if push could come to shove and - “It was a mistake, Veronica. A one time idiotic -” When I didn’t stop him or engage, he moved on. Thankfully. “As for the caped cunt,” I had to put my own fork down, the idea of the two of them sitting down to have a face to face made me nauseous after what Homelander had done to me. “He did what he normally does,” had tea with the enemy, I almost asked, but he was telling his side of the story so I stayed silent. “He threatened, wanted to know where Ryan was, and then offered a fight to the death end of it all.”

“And the vials?” Looking up, I caught the shock passing across his face and realized he had no idea how much I really knew. “Was your mistake with Maeve the cost of business?”

“V24,” his lips were barely moving, but I heard him. “Temp V,” studying him like both my former mentor and he should be proud as fuck of, I waited him out again. “All the positives,” powers, clearly. “None of the side effects.” So he wouldn’t become more of an obnoxious asshole, or so he thought.

“Have you taken it?” The silence that met my question told me he had. “But the epic fight to the death hasn’t happened,” I think I’d have seen a breaking news report if Homelander was finally free of his mortal coil. “Wasting the product you paid for with your mistake?” I wondered if he’d have to make another payment for more.

“I should have told you,” no, I thought, you should have fucking abstained from the entire idiotic bullshit, but it was my turn for silence. I’d said my peace, gotten answers, and now we were here. Wherever the fuck here was.

Standing, I started cleaning up from dinner and he stayed where he was - which was the safest course for him, since I would be handling knives while putting them in the dishwasher and I’d hate to have my own mistake.

“Where do we go from here?” The dishwasher was loaded and on, and I had wiped the counters down so hard that I was shocked I hadn’t rubbed off the veins in the marble. Billy took my pause in finding things to tidy up as an invitation to restart our conversation.

Shaking my head, I truly had no idea. “I don’t know.” And I didn’t. I was afraid that he couldn’t be trusted, that I couldn’t trust myself to know precisely where he was and what he was doing.

“I love you, Veronica,” nodding, I agreed that he clearly wanted to believe he did. “It was a mistake.”

“Yeah,” it was a mistake, but maybe all of this was. Me and him, this life we were building, even the idea of bringing Ryan into it. How could it be safe or sane if his biological sperm donor was having tea with the man whose last name he shared? “Yeah, a mistake.” Nodding to myself, I made a choice, whether permanent or not I couldn’t say. Not this close to all of it. “I’m going to stay in the city for a while.” He made a noise that told me he planned on arguing, but I went on. “You and Terror can have the house, I just need a little time to myself.”

And before he could try to tempt me to forget or talk me out of it, I was upstairs packing.

[loving-impression]

i've been keeping myself busy to avoid thinking of you and it helped me for a while but quite the whole time i just wanted to lay in bed and cry and sleep forever. i was so sad i thought it was a part of me by now. when i'm not wondering about something it always leads to you. and sometimes i talk to you inside my head. sometimes you answer but usually don't. i avoided writing my thoughts because the idea of remembering you used to make me nauseous. i avoided thinking of you for more than ten seconds because i couldn't handle the sadness that came with it. i can't remember when i cried last but it's been a few days since i broke my heart overthinking us. i miss you sometimes but i've been finding little pieces of you in other guys. it breaks my heart but consoles me to think that if i keep my eyes closed, they look like you. i miss your kiss and i feel like throwing up when i picture you with someone else. sometimes you don't feel real, until someone else says your name. you feel like a distant memory. i could find you at the bar but thank god we never bumped into eachother there. i know someday it will happen but i don't think i'm ready to see you with someone else. the thought of you makes me so sad. i wish your friends weren't assholes so i could ask them how you are. i hope you're ok but i really hope hurting me haunts you. i know someday i'll think less and less of you and it makes me sad to think that i have to content myself with our past. i regret coming back to you, i'm sorry. i loved you with all my heart but believing you had changed was crossing my own heart. i wish i had been stronger when i first walked away. i've seen parts of you that wouldn't hurt me if you hadn't used them against me. i think it will take me forever to get over you. people said i seem more mature and i don't know if i grew older or if i just became suspiciously of everything. i've been trying not to let men treat me like you used to and i've been forcing myself into having sometime alone. i have your number on my phone and i still repeat it to myself sometimes and it is fucking stupid but it makes me very sad that you already gave up. i know that it wouldn't take us anywhere good, i can't let you fool me again. it is so sad that we won't be together. i knew it wouldn't work out but i really wanted it to be you. i could learn to love everything about you if you didn't tried to control me using my fear. you assumed you thought of punching me and then denied ever saying that. it makes me so angry that you won't ever admit that one day you'd might lose your control and hit me. and it makes me so sad. i told myself so many times that you'd never lay your hands on me but as we were fighting more frequently, you were being meaner. i know you think you look like this big and strong guy but you only ever made me scared once. one single time i chose to do what you wanted not to stop the fight but because i was scared you'd use your hands to get what you wanted. i really wish you had treated me better. you could never understand no matter how many conversations we had. you're not a man, not even a boy, you can't comprehend.