#things could also be improved by me moving stuff from the closet to my storage unit

[quillyfied]

Oh the agony of “too hot in the afternoons to move out my summer wardrobe, too chilly in the mornings to be without my winter wardrobe, and this closet can only fit one of those at a time.”

[rinofwater]

Yo, I legit want to hear your data disk theory bc I was kinda thinking the same thing? Except I figured that if they really are magnetic hard disks then they'd be even more fragile than DVDs/CDs since even a stray magnet could screw up all the data? I am but a lowly software person so I don't exactly how storage mediums work all too much lol. Also, if the old world was really DA FUTURE(tm), wouldn't their computer storage be more in SSDs than HDDs? There might be an economic reason to stick with HDDs but if their computing tech was at the level of sentient AIs and stuff they hypothetically would have the faster, more compact storage in those...

Reminds me of the deep dive I did to figure why the hell telegraphs in the My Time world are called telegraphs if they're supposedly wireless (short answer: it's probably primitive radio? i have no idea how the hell transmissions can work at distances up to cross-country tho)

Oh boy, I'm so glad you asked! I've done IT infrastructure repair work for a couple years now, and my last job actually had me working with a lot of storage servers in particular for the latter half of my job, so I have Opinions(tm) on this small detail lol. And those are all really good questions too. And hopefully I don't get too technical trying to answer it, but I make no promises (and it's DEFINITELY going to be long and rambly so bear with me)

So starting with it being The Future(tm), there are pros and cons to going HDD versus SSD versus NVMe today, but did you know that not only is tape storage still in use, but it's actually still considered a modern, practical solution to archival storage with the technology still being upgraded and developed, even right now in 2023? Archival in this case being the sort of data you need to hold onto for 20, 30, 40 years or more without a constant need to have read/write access to that data. The tape servers have a cool robot arm in them and everything to move the tape cassettes around. A lot of this technology isn't actually aging out because it has its niche, it's just being modernized to settle it more in that niche

So with HDDs versus SSDs, they are becoming fairly comparable to each other today, HDD was winning out for a long time because SSD was a lot more expensive to get ahold of at the same storage capacity as HDD. That's great from a regular end-user perspective because you can get that upgrade more practically and reap the benefits of not having to rely on physical moving parts to access your data. Swapping it out on a server level is going to be a much larger and more expensive project, though, without seeing a lot of additional benefit for going that direction. A lot of the benefits that you would see for swapping to SSD on a regular computer have already been accounted for in existing server designs for a while now, in the form of RAID technology (Redundant Array of Independent/Inexpensive Disks; fancy way of saying "get a bunch of drives to take on the work of one drive and then replace any drives that break along the way"; being able to share the data load across multiple drives improves efficiency and then you can also replace broken disks on the fly without having to worry about the integrity of the overall storage system as long as you don't sit on too many dead disks for too long)

Not to say that SSDs won't still overtake HDD eventually, as new servers are installed in datacenters and closets, they're increasingly having SSD as the supported format, but there's not a good enough benefit to rush through fading out HDD at the moment when they're still about comparable to each other and the weaknesses have largely been accounted for. And even then, there are always going to be legacy servers that get passed up for upgrades either because nobody sees a need or it's too important to the overall infrastructure or any number of reasons, at which point they're still almost definitely going to be sticking with HDDs even in The Future

So that's the long-winded justification for why I think it's plausible that there would still be large enough quantities of HDDs kicking around even in the future for them to end up in ruins of that future

As for the justification of how you'd be able to get enough usable data off of them given the notorious fragility of those disks, I chalk it up to a matter of quantity. When I was installing brand-new storage servers for a customer, one drawer could hold up to around a hundred hard drives, and there were often four or five drawers slated for install with one server. If you figure that your average HDD has about three to six platters, multiply that by 100, and then multiply that by the drawers, and then the number of identical hardware setups that are also set up around it, and that number just keeps going up by orders of magnitude. Most of those platters are absolutely going to be shattered or wiped or otherwise damaged in a way that renders them useless, and the percentage that make it out in-tact enough is going to be very small. But if you take a very small percentage of the ridiculously large number of platters you can expect to find in a datacenter (even the smaller ones) is still going to give you the chance of finding enough usable platters that you can pull something off of them. Like, we're talking millions or billions of platters just in one place, if you take .01% or .001% or even .0001% of that kind of number as your chances of finding something in tact you're still looking at a fairly decent pool of workable salvage to sort through*

(*In theory, anyway; in practice, you usually need all the platters that are associated with an HDD to be able to put the data together into something usable given the way data's distributed across them...not that it's impossible to grab information off of a single platter but it would take A LOT of extra work to figure out how to reverse engineer it into working versus having the full set. It could still be possible but that factor drags the already small percentage down even further. But then, I would be surprised if Pathea has given it NEARLY as much thought as this, so after a certain point, there's kinda just the shrugging to say "video game logic" lol...but before reaching that point I'm going to have my fun spending way too much time trying to figure out how it *could* work)

With the quantity argument, as well, you're also way more likely to see that kind of overabundance of HDD than you would DVDs or CDs; DVDs just aren't scalable in the same way, both in terms of the amount of data they can store and the amount of read/write flexibility they have. You're also a lot less likely to find the sort of information on a DVD that you would find in a storage server; DVDs are more useful for executable programs than they are for data storage, and even that purpose is superceded by a usb thumb drive a lot of the time. There wouldn't be nearly as many to account for in an apocalypse situation and that means the statistics are going to hit them much harder

Anyway, yeah, that's my nerdy ass supposition for this headcanon, thanks again for giving me an excuse to ramble on about it and I hope it makes sense lol

[brideofedoras]

Happy Birthday, John Kennex

In honor of Karl Urban’s birthday, I wrote a little birthday fic to go along with Soulbound.  John Kennex’s birthday is June 7, 2007.

Disclaimer: I only own my OCs

Word count: 1900+

Rating: 18+

Warnings: brief mentions of anxiety, asthma and self harm

-1-

Emily smiled and waved to the nurses on duty as she walked by the nurses’ station.  Sara was on duty, she noted, rolling her eyes when the woman winked at her.  She clutched the little malachite dragon she carried a little tighter in her right hand before letting herself into John’s room.

Her heart stuttered in her chest when she saw the detective, still unconscious.  Someone had shaved off his stubble earlier and had given his dark brown hair a trim. 

She had to swallow a few times before she managed to find her voice.  “I… I, uh… have it on good authority that today is your birthday,” she blushed when she realized her voice sounded a little on the breathy side.  Oh, lord…  At least I’m not wheezing.  “The big Four-O,” she placed the dragon on the bedside table next to the photograph of John and his partner, Marty Pelham, and Marty’s wife Maria and son Marty Junior.  “But don’t worry,” her breathy voice took on a teasing tone.  “I won’t tell anyone your real age.  Sandy and I will keep it a secret.”

She busied herself with her normal routine upon arriving for her daily visits.  She straightened his blanket over his chest, smoothed her hands over his chest and arms to make sure the wrinkles were out, grounding herself to keep her anxiety at bay.  She blushed when she felt his heartbeat kick a little harder when her palm brushed over his chest.  “I’m beginning to think you really enjoy my visits even though I’m the most boring and awkward visitor you’ve got,” she teased.  “Yeah, I know.  I shouldn’t talk down on myself like I do but I am awkward and I’m sure what I talk about is boring.”

Finally, she squeezed his fingers and ran her fingers through his shorter hair.  “I miss the scruff,” she admitted softly as she traced her fingertips along his smooth jaw.  Her blush darkened when she realized she’d spoken out loud this time.  “Oh, god, don’t mind me,” she giggled nervously.  “I didn’t mean to say that out loud.  I…”  She drew in a deep breath and slowly released it.  “You look very nice when you’re clean-shaven, but you also look pretty hot when you’re scruffy,” she confessed with a half-sigh, half-whisper.  “I…  I don’t know why I find it so easy to talk to you, to admit things that I know I’d never be able to say out loud if you were actually awake… much less be able to open up to anyone else...  I…  I probably would never be able to talk to you if you were conscious…  I mean, I’m…  I’m nobody.  And you’re…  You’re you.  You probably wouldn’t even give me a second thought,” she turned away from the bed to walk over to the window.  “I’m such a painfully shy and awkward person with anxiety and asthma, no one looks twice at me as it is,” she wrapped her arms around her stomach before she growled at herself.  “I’m sorry, ignore me.  I’m just…  I know I’m hard on myself,” she admitted quietly.  “It’s your birthday.  I’m supposed to be happy and in a celebratory mood, but you already know how I feel about birthdays.  But I am happy, in a way.  I’m hanging out with the best-looking guy in the world, even if he doesn’t know I exist.”  She returned to the bed and leaned down.  “Happy birthday, John,” she whispered before kissing his cheek.  “I brought you a present.  I know I didn’t have to, but after I accidentally caught a glimpse of the tattoo on your arm I knew what I would get you for your birthday or Christmas.  I like dragons, but I prefer the European ones to the Chinese ones.  I found a Chinese dragon carved in malachite at a shop near campus and had to get it for you.  It’s really pretty.”  She moved away from the bed to sit down in the chair.  “So…  I’m thinking about applying for an internship through the Synthetic Dispatch Division.  Dr. Lom is open to taking on an intern.  I’m scared to death I won’t get the internship if I do apply, but I won’t know unless I try, right?  I haven’t talked to Sandy about it, not yet.  We’re meeting for drinks later at McQuade’s.”

She grew quiet as she watched his chest rise and fall with each breath he took.  “Maybe someday we could go out for a drink after you wake up.”  When she realized what she’d said, she quickly backpedalled, stammering and blushing hard before she could string a coherent sentence together.  “I…  I really need to shut up, huh?  Not go out like as in a date or something like that, I could only ever dream of going on a date with you.”  She blushed harder and smacked her hands over her face.  “Shit.  God, Emily, you’re such a damned idiot!”  She cussed at herself.  “Drinks between friends.”

She scrubbed her hands over her face.  “You’ve come to mean a lot to me in such a short period of time already,” she reached for his hand.  “You let me ramble and babble when I get nervous or anxious and somehow I feel much calmer when I hold your hand.  And I’ve rambled and babbled a lot already today.”  She took a deep breath and grimaced when she wheezed.  “It’s a beautiful day out today.  Couldn’t ask for prettier skies.  The sunrise this morning was gorgeous…”

-2-

Thunder rattled the windows of the hospital room.  Must be storming.  Dammit.  Emily better not be out driving in this.  I want her here but I don’t want her to get into a wreck either.  Sam, I hope you and Lizzie are watching over your daughter, please don’t let anything happen to her.  She has no idea how much she means to me.

Another rumble of thunder rattled the windows, drowning out the whoosh of the door sliding open.  The scent of vanilla cupcakes reached him and he breathed an internal sigh of relief.

Emily was safe.  She was there.

The door swooshed open again, followed by the scent of raspberries.  Sara, his favorite nurse.  She was nice, always talking to him when she was checking on him.  Always making sure he had the softer blankets or more supportive pillow.  “Here’s the towels you requested, Em.”

“Thanks, Sara, I don’t want Karen or Tim hollering at me for dripping all over the room,” Emily’s voice was filled with light-hearted amusement.

Sara laughed.  “They won’t holler, Em.  Karen will give you the look and chastise you before she hugs you, and Tim is such a good-natured soul.  They’ll chalk it up to job security.  Anything else you need?”

“Nah, thank you, I’ll holler if I do.”

The door swooshed open and shut again, leaving him alone with Emily.  He listened to the gentle rustle of fabric, towel maybe, before the sound of a raincoat being shrugged off reached his ears.  

“Hi, John,” her voice sounded a little regretful.  “I wasn’t ignoring you, I promise.  I’m dripping all over the place and don’t want the housekeeping staff to worry about my coat and boots dripping all over.”  Her voice strained before he heard the slide of two zippers.  “It’s nasty out today.  The storm didn’t hit until I was halfway here.”

Should’ve stopped somewhere to wait it out, Sweetheart, I don’t want you risking your life just to spend time with me.

“I know, I could’ve pulled off to wait it out but it hasn’t let up at all and I didn’t want to sit in my car in a sketchy parking lot,” her hands brushed his chest as she straightened the blankets.

His heart thumped harder when he felt her palm settle over it.  Good call.  But I still don’t want you driving in a storm, Emily.  I’m not worth you getting hurt.

“I couldn’t miss my favorite guy’s birthday today,” her breath puffed over his cheek before her plush lips pressed against the stubble.

Favorite guy, huh?  Sweetheart…  He wished he could turn his head, to feel her soft lips on his.  He settled for feeling her smile curve on his cheek instead.

“Happy birthday, John.  Whenever you wake up you’re going to have a lot of cards and a few gifts,” the chair scraped closer to the bed.  Her hand curled around his.  “Just because you’re in a coma doesn’t mean anyone who loves you can get away with ignoring birthdays and holidays.  Sandy’s got a box she’s putting them in for you.  I didn’t bring a gift with me today, it’s at Sandy’s.  I wasn’t about to bring it with me.”  Her breath hitched on a wheeze.  “I finally worked up the courage to go through Daddy’s stuff and found a few guitars I never knew he had.  Sandy told me you collect guitars, that you play a little, and I asked her if maybe I should give them to you.  They’re vintage, from the 1970s and 80s.  Or would they be considered antiques?  I don’t know.  They’re beautiful, though.  One’s an acoustic and the others are electric.  Daddy even had sheet music for some of the old classic rock songs.  I sent those over with the guitars.”

Sweetheart, they’re your dad’s, you should keep them.

“I don’t have the room in my apartment for them, I don’t want for them to remain in their cases tucked away in a closet.  They’re meant to be picked up and played and proudly displayed.  I don’t know how to play, other than random strumming that sounds god awful.  I never was musically-inclined growing up, I would’ve taken the amp apart to see how it works and if I could improve it,” she laughed softly.  “Maybe that’s why Daddy had them in storage, to keep me from doing just that.  I…  I would like to learn how to at least play a few chords, though.”

I could teach you.  Not that hard.  I’ll get a guitar in your hands and sit behind you, wrap my arms around you to guide your hands.  He groaned.  Slow down, Kennex, he warned himself when he felt arousal stirring in his belly just from the image in his head.  Dammit.

Her fingers laced through his.  “I hope you will like them.”

I already do, Sweetheart…

-3-

The gentle press of soft, plush lips on his woke him up.  John groaned, wrapping his arms around Emily.  “Mornin’, Baby,” he murmured before deepening the kiss.  

She braced her hands against his shoulder and shoved.  “You’re ruining the moment!”  She giggled when he pinned her beneath him and attacked her neck with voracious kisses.  “John!”

He lifted his head.  “You started it by kissing me awake, Baby.”  He frowned when tears glistened in her baby blue eyes.  “Emily?”

“I get to look into your eyes this time when I say it,” her voice cracked as a tear slipped down her temple into her dark hair.  “Happy birthday, John.”

John cupped her cheek and brushed the tear away with his thumb.  “Baby, don’t start cryin’ on me,” he chastised gently, shifting onto his back and tucking her to his side.  “What are your plans today?”

“We’re not going to spend your birthday with you in bed and me in a chair holding your hand,” she retorted.

“How ‘bout we both spend the day in bed?”

She giggled.  “John!”

“It’s my birthday, can’t I pick how we spend the day?”  He quirked an eyebrow at her.

“What about your birthday cupcakes or breakfast or your present--”

He hauled her on top of him and silenced her protest with a kiss.  “Later.  Much… much later,” he growled between kisses.

[purplesurveys]

1102

survey by joybucket

What color are your eyes? They are dark brown. They’re actually really more of black because of how dark they are, but that sounds creepy so let’s just go with really really dark brown.

What's your favorite type of milk? I don’t take a lot of milk and am not familiar with most of them.

What's your passion? What a deep, introspective question three questions into this survey lmao. My interests are always changing so I don’t really give much thought into this. I don’t let myself be bound to just one thing.

What's your favorite color? I really like the way baby pink looks on everything.

Are you shy? Sure, but I’m trying to break out of that shell. Based from hundreds of past experiences, being shy is the easiest way to be forgettable and I’m tired of people never remembering my name or anything about me.

What is/was your favorite school subject? History. Anything about it I will surely enjoy.

Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes.

What's your favorite quote? I don’t keep track of quotes.

What is your natural hair color? It’s black.

Do you like it? There’s nothing to complain about. I’d love to have it dyed just to try out something new with my look, because it’s been black and untouched for 23 years; I guess it’s just a matter of when I’ll push through with it.

Are you happy with the way you look? I wish some aspects were different, like my hair to be less frizzy, my front teeth to be straight, my eyesight to be clearer, etc. But it’s also whatever; I don’t really focus on these things too much as I’ve never been the type of person to concentrate on my physical looks.

What would you change about your appearance if you could? ^ Well, those things I listed. Also, to have boobs?? Puberty never did anything for me in that department.

What would you change about your bedroom if you could? I’d move the bed up against the wall because that’s always been more my vibe. If I had the energy, I’d buy a storage container and place all Gab-related stuff in there so I can finally hide away those things (but not entirely throw them out). I would also fix my closet, all three sections of it. I’d also love to get a homey and soothing night lamp and be able to regularly buy scented candles to de-stress at the end of the day. In other news, my room has remained stale for so long and needs a revamp HAHAHA.

Are you rich or poor? I’d say we are in the middle, but our financial situation throughout Covid has been making me increasingly worry.

Are you double jointed? Nope.

What's the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? The time I ripped my ear piercing, and my foot infection from snorkeling. Also getting my blood drawn, but that’s only because I’m a big baby when it comes to sharp things.

Do you like shots? See above.

Are you afraid of spiders? Our spiders are never too large or look menacing where I live, so not really. I’m aware of how big they can get in other places though so I totally understand the widespread hatred for spiders lol.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction to something? Not sure if it’s an allergy, but my legs quickly get irritated if they’re exposed in a grassy area for too long. My face also doesn’t seem to appreciate face masks, (the skincare kind), but I’m not sure if that’s an allergic reaction or if face masks are meant to do that.

Name a food that you like that's green. Green curry, or broccoli.

Do you like to read? Yes. More of non-fiction, though. I haven’t read a fiction book since I wasssss probably in middle school or early high school.

Do you know what your purpose in life is? No. I don’t stress out over stuff like this lol, I just make sure I’m happy where I am and at the same time, still feel fulfilled with the things I’m doing. 

Are you lonely? I can be, but I guess it’s just meant to happen sometimes.

What's something you are good at? Reading people. Sometimes to my benefit, sometimes otherwise.

What's a color that looks great on you? Olive green and maroon are my favorite shades.

What's something you would like to improve at? Being creative. My work requires a lot of it and I end up being a shitty teammate whenever we have to do brainstorming, because I literally just stay to the side, unable to think of anything.

Do you believe you have great potential? Yes.

What's one word to describe you? Right now? Tired.

Are you spiritual? Nope.

What's one thing that you get a lot of compliments on? My writing.

What's one hidden talent that you have? I dunno if it counts as a talent but I memorize a great deal of songs from Jay-Z and Kanye’s Watch the Throne album, which has always been a fun ‘talent’ to whip out and surprise friends with when we’re partying at a club/bar and a song from the album is suddenly played.

What are three girls' names that you really like? I love Olivia, Mia, and Harper. I’ve probably listed those names a thousand times on these surveys by now.

What are three boys' names that you really like? I like Liam, Mason, and Lucas.

What is the most beautiful scenery you have ever beheld?  The prettiest place I’ve been to was probably Palawan.

What is your favorite pizza topping? Just cheese is fine with me. If that doesn’t count, bell peppers come second. I can definitely live without the other usual toppings like pepperoni, beef, etc.

Name a food that you like that's red. I said green curry in the green foods question, and I’ll answer red curry here, haha.

Are you color blind? Nope.

Have you ever had a crush? Yes.

Can you type fast? I can and I do on a daily basis.

What's your favorite type of cereal? Erm, I’ve never tried them before but I’m drawn to cereals that are rather sweet lol, like Reese’s Puffs or Hershey’s Kisses cereal line. The thing is, they’re classified as one of the luxury imported brands over here so their prices are very unreasonable for a box of cereal, and I never get to have them as a result. Otherwise I don’t enjoy cereal too much.

What is one of your dreams? I would love to have a family.

What are your top three favorite colors? Baby pink, white, and mustard yellow.

What is your favorite book? I don’t have one.

What is your favorite amusement park ride? Ones that would provide enough thrill but won’t make me pass out, like the octopus.

What are three middle names you wouldn't mind having? Idk, I’m fine with my second name. I actually really like the name Isabelle and at one point I unsuccessfully tried to make it my main name, back when I still hated Robyn.

Are you flexible? Not really anymore. I used to be, kind of.

Do you consider yourself religious? Not at all. I haven’t been in around five years. I’ve been atheist since I was in the 4th grade, then I had this very sudden (but very brief) change of heart back in senior year when I started praying a lot. I went back to atheism as soon as I started university.

Are you bold? I can be, but it’s not one of my principal traits.

Are you spontaneous? It’s nice to be every once in a while, but I’m not always.

Do you have a significant other? No.

What's your pet peeve? Lateness.

How tall are you? Just a little over 5 feet, which does not classify me as tall at all.

What's your sexual orientation? Demi. I’ve also been increasingly self-identifying as asexual, so let’s go with that too.

Can you sing? Nope.

Can you dance? Nope, but I still do it when I’m alone.

Can you draw? No.

Do you play an instrument? I mean, just the recorder, but I don’t know if that counts.

What school subject do you hate the most? Chemistry. I struggled with it both in high school and in college. I hated physics and geometry too, but at least I got better at them as I got older. Chemistry is just far too complicated for me to appreciate.

What's your least favorite color? Most shades of yellow and neon green.

Do you eat healthy? I wouldn’t say I exclusively eat healthily, but I do keep a good balance in the food I consume. I enjoy my junk food as much as I like eating vegetables.

Do you think you look better with short or long hair? I’d say short.

What's a color that doesn't look good on you? White.

Are you passionate? Sure.

Are you doing the most you can with your life? Right now, with the world falling apart around me? I definitely try to. I have a great job, I spoil myself and try out new things for myself every now and then, I’ve pulled myself out from the rut I used to be in a few months ago, etc. I guess I can say I like where I am.

Are you proud of yourself for the way you are living? See above.

Do you love yourself? I've started taking a couple of steps down that path.

Do you have regrets? Sure.

Do you have wishes and dreams? Of course.

Do you have a huge secret you are keeping from the world? I suppose so.

Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah, I get quite a lot of compliments on my penmanship in general. I liked practicing my writing as soon as I learned how to properly hold a pencil, so I guess all those times served as good training.

Name a current favorite song. I dunno but Hayley is set to release a new album by tomorrow so a couple of songs from there will most definitely end up being a favorite.

List a song lyric that you like. “Can you live with what you know about yourself when you're all alone, behind closed doors?”

Are you happy? I think so. I’m definitely not as sad as I used to be.

Are you a generally optimistic person? I try to be, but I allow myself to be negative or realistic sometimes.

Have you ever had something horrible happen to you? Between deaths in the family, depression and other mental health issues, and personal life events that were less than nice, absolutely.

Have you ever been abused? Sure.

Have you ever been harassed and/or bullied? I was bullied as a kid because of my name, and as a result it was difficult to make friends for years. I’ve never been harassed though.

Do you love nature? Yes, I love being around nature when I get the chance.

Are you free-spirited? I wouldn’t consider myself that. I like being on the careful side when it comes to many things.

Are you carefree? Not really. 

Would you say you are an overcomer? Yup.

Are you a good friend? I hope I am.

Do you like animals? Love them, except insects.

Do you meditate? No. I actually tried yoga for the first time yesterday because that’s what my workout app had planned for me, but I quickly learned that I am way too impatient for it, lmao. The whole session was meant to be I think 30 minutes? but I quit by like the 14-minute mark and did another program. Idk, I guess it’s just not for me.

Do you pray? No.

What month were you born in? April.

What's your favorite season? We don’t have the usual four seasons but I’m gonna go ahead and say winter because it’s what appeals to me most.

What's one place you've been to that you want to visit again? I want to keep coming back to Sagada.

What's one place you want to go that you've never visited before? Thailand.

What's your favorite type of tree? I don’t have one.

Are you laid-back? I tend to be uptight most of the time, actually.

Are you hard on yourself? Yes.

How's your self-esteem? It’s been getting better, but sometimes I still can’t help but feel insecure.

What medical conditions do you/have you had? Scoliosis.

What are you allergic to? I have had itchy, irritable reactions to face masks and grass before, but not sure if they’re allergies.

Do you like to try new things? For sure, as long as it’s not a crime or if it involves my fears lmfao. Like I would be willing to skydive or dye my hair a strange color, but I’d never scheme a burglary or jump in a tub of cockroaches.

What's one word to describe your style? Chic.

What's one word to describe your bedroom? Plain. I definitely need to mix it up so that it can feel more like who I am.

What's one thing you like about yourself? I like that I’ve always been able to surpass difficulties and come out a better person from them, instead of letting them consume me.

What's one thing you dislike about yourself? I need to stop blaming myself for things out of my control.

Are you competitive? To a fault.

Are you faithful? Sure.

Can you cook? Hell no.

What's your favorite restaurant? Ramen Nagi.

[ellemfaoh]

Pairing: (BNHA) Arumi Suzuku (my oc) x Neito Monoma

Category: Angst

⚠TW⚠: Attempted Suicide, relationship issues, traumatic break-up

Where did it all go wrong?

Just a month ago Neito had been teaching her about baking. They played around with the batter and flour. Flour was all over their faces and hair and clothes and splotches of chocolate cake batter were on their noses, cheeks, foreheads, arms, and hands. They laughed for a bit after that, pouring the batter into the cake tin and stared at the mess in disdain. Clean-up was made more tolerable with some lively music and the occasional dance break.

After the cake was done they left it to cool down and went to clean themselves up, washing the flour out of each other's hair and rubbing the batter off their faces.

Now Neito was packing his things up in boxes while Arumi just glared at him, helping out with the occasional snarky remark thrown at him. The little apartment that was once so full of life was now dreary and heavy.

When Arumi muttered something about him being wrong in their previous fight he snapped, dropping the object in his hands, an old photo frame of younger him in an embarrassing sailor outfit, onto the floor.

"If you're gonna just keep acting like a total bitch then stop helping and leave so I can get something done!"

Arumi glared at him, taping a box shut. "I don't trust you in MY home. Not anymore. You have no right to talk to me like that!"

"Well maybe if you weren't so stubborn and clingy all the time then we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!"

"Well if you didn't act like you were a god to be worshipped 24-7 then I wouldn't be so stubborn! You forget you're also only human too Neito!"

After a moment of glaring, Arumi threw the tape at a box and stormed to the door, pulling her shoes on. She couldn't stand being around him and he couldn't either, so she'd just leave. He smirked, and not the smirk she loved, but the cocky smirk that bragged about him winning.

Just before she closed the door, she heard him throw a half-hearted remark toward her. The words made her pause from closing the door for a minute, a slight thought of 'what if' passing through her mind before she shooed it away. Closing the door and zipping her jacket up, a puff of air coming from her lips as she pulled the jacket up to her lips she started walking down the stairs and toward town. Winter always made her feel crummy, and this did nothing to help.

"I'll be gone with all my stuff before you come back."

When Arumi came back nearly five hours later, she learned that Neito was indeed true to his word. All the boxes filled with his stuff around the house were gone, all packed up and taken to either an extra storage area, or a friend's apartment. What did she care though? They were over, their relationship six-feet under.

Tossing her keys onto the counter, she slid her shoes off and started walking around the apartment. His products in the bathroom were all gone, his pictures around the house all taken, minus the ones of their relationship together. Vacation pictures, anniversary pictures, and some other pictures of them from their younger years messing around. She'd take care of those later though because she was tired and needed to sleep.

Walking into their once shared room felt odd as well. 50% of the things in it were now gone. All his clothes from his side of the closet were gone, his nightstand was empty, and the other room accessories were gone too. Their bed was the only thing left alone, but not like there was much to take anyway. Slipping out of her clothes, she changed into PJ's and climbed into bed, a bit uncomfortable due to the lack of dip that used to be there when he slept. All she could do was close her eyes and try her hardest to sleep.

• ° • ° •

About two months later and Arumi couldn't get a good sleep no matter what she did. Neito on the other hand felt better. Neito had risen up in the hero ranks, his work improving after he had fallen a bit lower a month before due to issues. Arumi though had fallen lower, her work quality decreasing in both amount and thoroughness.

Neito had felt pretty shitty about the breakup the month after he moved out, but after that he felt a bit better about himself, his self-esteem coming back full-swing. Arumi though, felt better a month after moved out, her work going great until just now, the grief and loneliness finally hitting her.

Now after hero work Arumi would go straight home and just do whatever she needed mindlessly. She actually came across one of his old hoodies when going through her drawers the previous month and swore to get rid of it some time, but now after doing what needed to be done and she wanted to go to bed, Arumi would grab it and put it on and lay down, curling up as she reached one arm out to the empty side of the bed while the other covered her mouth and nose. Her tears stung her eyes as she smelled it, pulling the hoodie over her eyes.

"It still smells like him..."

The grief struck her quietly, but it did happen, and now she was in a rough patch of emotions.

Neito on the other hand felt pretty shitty the first month they were apart. His last words said to her were, "I'll be gone with all my stuff before you come back," and he was true to his word about that. It made him feel guilty in a way that for someone he's known since high school those were his last words. All while finding apartments he thought about how those same moments in their shared one would never happen in his new home again, and that the smell of cinnamon and firewood paired with aftershave wouldn't be there.

He got over it though when he realized he didn't need to wallow in those feelings. Neito felt a lot better when he looked at his apartment after being fully moved in and seeing the space he had. He didn't always feel like this in his relationship, but closer toward the end, he felt Arumi clinging onto it like someone would hold onto a life preserver in the middle of the ocean. It annoyed him. She's a grown woman and if she felt the relationship ending she shouldn't have tried so hard, she'd be able to deal with it.

Now here he was, living his best life and feeling great. He was getting more recognition, he had the freedom in his home life, and he finally got over her.

• ° • ° •

After Arumi realized she wasn't going to feel better, she took a vacation from work for two weeks. All she did was stay home and go through old memories. Looking through old photo albums, rewatch their favorite shows and movies, listen to their old songs, the likes. She looked terrible though. Tan and warm complexion fading into a more sickly pale color, eyebags forming thanks to the late nights and the terrible sleep, and her eyes lost a bit of shine.

Eventually she realized why she felt so shitty when she came across a family photo of her and her parents when she was a baby. Right, it was the attachment issues. She lost her mom as a super small child and her father went to prison a few years later. After that, she wasn't left with anyone. Now it made sense. Thanks to her getting attached to Neito, losing him felt like the world was falling apart around her. Considering she knew him from high school the pain was extra tough.

After realizing this she got in touch with a therapist. After a bit, it became increasingly obvious she was stuck in a depression funk. This wouldn't do well for hero work so she took a medical leave to try and improve her mental state.

The news was all over Arumi's medical leave of absence. Seriously, it was in articles and reported for a few solid days. Neito got annoyed by it, but in a way that part of the concerned boyfriend crept in slowly and he didn't realize it, but he started reading every article and watching every report. Sometimes he felt drawn to go visit and check up on her. Just because they broke up didn't mean they couldn't ever talk again right?

Before he knew it he climbed into his car and started driving, cursing at himself for letting the worry take over. She was strong and he knew it, he didn't doubt for a minute she could take care of herself but even still he couldn't help the feeling he had to check in on her. When he arrived to the apartment door, he stood there for a moment, hand just an inch away from the door, staring at it.

"What am I even doing here? We aren't together anymore. Seeing me would probably make her feel worse..." Sighing, he just gently leaned his head on the door. "Even still I can't help but feel worried about her. This could be an opportunity to talk things through though." He made his mind up at that moment and knocked on the door.

He waited for a few seconds, then those seconds turned into a minute, and that minute turned into five. Growing impatient, he checked the spot where the spare key always was and chuckled silently to himself when he realized she never changed it. Opening the door, he was hit with the memories, good and bad.

Before anyone calls him crazy, he knew she was home. He saw her car in the parking lot. He would never do this if he knew she wasn't. That just isn't sensible for a normal human.

One thing Neito didn't like upon entry was how quiet the house was. It was so much darker in terms of atmosphere. He figured she would've been better by now, but not judging by the state of disarray the apartment was in. The trash was piling up, the counters were crowded with stuff, the living room was messed up, there were clothes all around, etc. He was clearly wrong.

"Suzuku?" He called out, looking around. She wasn't in the kitchen or living room obviously, so he went to check the bathroom and found the door open. With a quick glance, he concluded she wasn't there and made his way back toward the kitchen and living room area to check what was going on. Did she go for a walk maybe? Wandering around the kitchen he found all their old pictures on the fridge still up which shocked him. He tossed his the moment he left, and here she was, keeping them.

He realized he didn't check the bedroom and left the kitchen, walking away from the area where so many great memories happened. What he didn't notice was the medicine cupboard was wide open, the contents all messy and disorganized.

As Neito reached for the door handle, he felt some strange feeling. His mouth ran dry, his heart started beating a bit faster, and his hands started to shake slightly. Why did he feel so nervous? Was it because he hadn't talked to her in nearly 4 months? Was it because he felt bad? Because he felt guilty for the way they ended things? Shaking his head of these thoughts, he grabbed the handle and pushed the door open, averting his gaze down for fear she was staring at the door already.

What he didn't expect was to see pills on the floor and her body laid on the bed. She looked so peaceful and like she had been sleeping the best she could. A small smile remained on her lips as she hugged a pillow. There's no way she did that. She was just sleeping.

Taking a step closer to the bed, he felt paralyzed for a moment. His heart hammered and his stomach was all twisted up. His hands shook and his vision was going from blurry to clear. She couldn't have. After a second, he hurried to the bed, shaking her resting body.

"Arumi, Arumi wake up." He shook her harder. "Stop joking with me, I know we ended on a bad note but don't do this to me." Harder. "Arumi! C'mon!" He didn't realize tears were welling up in his eyes as he lifted her shoulders off the bed, head falling back limply. This couldn't be happening.

Putting his ear to her chest, he waited for a moment, hearing a faint and slow "thump" coming from inside her. Crying with relief, he lifted her up and ran down the stairs and put her into the car, calling the hospital ahead of time to let them know to get prepped for her arrival.

Neito probably broke records for how quickly he got there, getting out of the car and opening the other door for the doctors, watching them grab her and put her on a gurney, running inside. He followed like a lost puppy, only stopping when they told him he couldn't go further. All he could do was sit in the lobby and wait, leg bouncing anxiously as he held his head in his hands, memories of their years together rushing through his head.

"Ugh, it's so hot!" Arumi groaned, taking a seat next to Neito who was laying on the grass under the light of the moon and the light coming from the dorms. "It's night time and it's still muggy. God, I feel like I'm dying." Opening a popsicle, she started to eat it, handing one to him wordlessly.

"Thanks." He said, putting his against his forehead. "At least the wind is blowing, it makes it feel better."

"Yeah, that's true, but it's still warm. We should've just stayed inside." Awase said from a bit further away, a few others agreeing.

"It's the best time to look at constellations though!" Pony said, fanning herself with some paper fan she made. "See? The stars are so vibrant right now."

"It doesn't distract us from the fact it's hot." Neito said, finally deciding to eat his popsicle, looking at Arumi. "Are you- Are you biting your popsicle?"

All she did in response was bite it again and laugh at him, punching his shoulder softly. "It helps cool me down faster, yours is melting anyway."

"Ah!"

Neito smiled at the memory, getting up to get himself some food, wandering through the hospital smelling how hospitals usually smell. Clean. It made him shiver to think of all the people that were sick or dying at the moment though. That's why hospitals smelt clean. To hide that thought.

"Where do you think we all go when we die?" Arumi asked, laying against him while watching the show playing on TV.

He was a bit shocked by the question, confused, and slightly worried. "Why do you ask? What's with the grim topic miss I-always-smile?"

Pointing at the TV she sat up and laughed. "That's what they're talking about right now, and I'm asking because I'm curious about what you think." Hearing her laugh made him feel a bit stupid, sitting up as well.

"I dunno, I mean, it's such a grim idea to think of. I like to think we all go into a sorta holding area while we wait to be reincarnated." He said, adjusting his hair. "What about you?"

"I think we just die. Plain and simple. I mean, rebirth sounds nice, but it's like, sad to think all your old memories just get erased from everything." Looking back at him, she messed up his hair again, laughing at his annoyed face. "It makes me feel a lot better about my mom to think about that instead of thinking she's stuck in either heaven or hell forever, or she's been rebirthed as someone completely new."

Now Neito was back to sitting in the lobby, waiting anxiously for the doctor to come down and find him. He felt like it was all his thought this happened. He broke up with her (not true, they both agreed it'd be best). He abandoned her (she also said she wished they weren't together). He felt like instead of saying goodbye or ending it off on a bad note, he left it toxic and something for her to dwell on. She told him everything and he learned about her sometimes. He should've remembered all her issues (don't do that, it can burn you out).

Just as he was about to get up and ask the receptionist at the front about the situation with them for the nth time, he saw a doctor approaching him. He practically ran over, which he hated. Just because a nearly decade-old long friend and years-long ex-lover attempted to kill herself doesn't mean he'll take her back. He'll be there though, he'll make sure she's not okay and he'll make sure they end off on a good note this time.

Taking a deep breath the doctor looked at him, doing their best to remain neutral. "She made it just in time. You got her here just in time, but she has been put into the ICU and is in a coma."

Neito have a deep sigh of relief, hands on his knees as he nearly cried. "Thank God she's okay..."

The doctor gave a small smile knowing he felt that much relief, clearing their throat. "She will be put into the mental ward if she does wake up though. The waking up part is a major if though. I'm sorry to inform you."

Right...people going into coma's don't always come out. It could be an eternal sleep. All Neito had to do was pray though.

• ° • ° •

About two weeks went by before Neito got the call. She had finally woken up.

He rushed like crazy to the hospital, rushing through the halls (respectfully) to get to her room. Number 274. Standing outside of it, he took a deep breath and slid open the door. What he saw made him feel a rush of emotions.

Arumi was sitting there, the window open as she stared out of it, messy hair toward him, wires and tubes connecting up to her arms and chest. She looked so sad and she didn't even look toward him.

When Arumi heard the door open she knew exactly who it was. She remembered who she put down as her emergency contact. Vlad King, Neito, and Setsuna. The only one it could be who would take a pause and then open the door would be Neito. Setsuna would've opened it and rushed over, Vlad would open it with no pause but then again he was probably teaching right now, so that left Neito. She was told he was the one who rushed her to the hospital. It was comedic.

Not turning her head, she spoke softly. "What're you here for?"

Neito had to think about what she said to make sense of it for a second. "They called me, and I was worried. You know...seeing you laying there in our- your bed with the pills spilt kinda..." He trailed off, eyes averting to the side for a moment.

She finally turned to him, looking not like he usually saw her. She looked tired and sad, something combined he had only ever seen on her face enough he could count on his hands.

"Why do you care anyway? Didn't you take your stuff and leave? Why would you bother coming and suddenly care about me for the first time in nearly five months?"

He felt his throat constrict painfully, nerves finally kicking in. "I...I came to check on you when the news kept reporting your leave and the whole boyfriend instincts kicked in-"

She glared at him, tired eyes and eye bags only adding on to the anger in her eyes. "Don't even pull that out of your ass. Four months. Four months Neito Monoma! Suddenly you act like you care because I finally took a break?! Of course you came THAT day, because your senses could just tell I was in "danger." This is complete B.S. and you know that!"

"I'm telling the truth! I didn't predict the day you chose to kill yourself!" He stopped immediately, taking a moment to calm down. "Sorry...I'm telling you the truth." Going to sit down, he paused under her hateful gaze.

"Get out. I don't want to see you. Get me Setsuna or Kendo or even that intolerable blonde from class A that you hate!"

Hearing that, he turned silently and walked toward the door, walking out and going to close it, but paused and looked down. "I'm sorry we ended like that." Then he left, tears rolling down his cheeks as he walked away, his face devoid of emotion.

Stopping at her words, he remembered how much fun they had as high schoolers and messing with class A and their classmates. His eyes started tearing up, but he quickly wiped it away, his voice coming out strained and hurt. "You didn't even leave a note...I would've been okay if you explained that I was the reason in a note, but you didn't leave anything for anyone! No explanation, no will, nothing. How would everyone have felt?"

She stared at him for a moment and turned toward the window again. "I don't care."

[fiddlepickdouglas]

This is a personal rant so you can scroll on if you like.

I'm an old college kid. Like, I could be done with grad school by now, but life just didn't go that way - I still have about 2 years as an undergrad. I know it looks ~meh~ to the outside world, no matter how often people say "life isn't a race, don't worry what they think!" Well, it also doesn't help that I had to move in with my parents at the start of quarantine and had trouble finding a good job until literally this past week (which I don't start until November). I'm the almost-30 year old mooch in my parent's basement right now, literally, and I know it's not a flattering position.

Things are improving: getting a job as a bank teller that has consistent hours, opportunities to move up, and I can easily plan a class schedule around it is a blessing and a miracle.

But I wish my family in general would acknowledge one particular thing and respect it, instead of treating it like they do. I've been unofficially aware that I have something that *looks a lot like* ADHD for at least the past two years. Like, I'm positive that's it, I just haven't been able to afford seeing a doctor to get an official diagnosis. Even if I'm wrong, it's clear that I'm neurodivergent - I've always been that way. I was definitely one of those "gifted" students when I was young who later had lots of academic problems later, but I can pinpoint those problems showing up as early as the second grade.

It isn't that my parents didn't really try, but they waited until I was in middle school, when puberty hit, to finally do something and everyone including the doctors just called it depression. The medication did a little work to make me seem normal, but I discovered quickly that my parents were only happy with the results if it seemed like I was an obedient child who didn't argue or question things and I spent less time in isolation.

This made me reluctant to go to doctors because I was afraid the meds were just another control tactic and not a real solution. So we stopped. I recently asked my mom why she didn't keep looking for answers, because I continued to struggle academically (among other things). She blamed it on my stubbornness. For her, it wasn't worth understanding how my brain functioned. She preferred to decide that I was just too hard for her to understand and the only way for me to please her was to force me to conform to her as much as she could.

As a neurodivergent person who lost their job and got displaced at the peak of COVID-19, living with an undertone of shame for being the adult child in my parent's home, and all the weight of things happening this year, needless to say I'm a bit of a mess and I have barely managed it.

So, to setup what's got me bothered today: I use an app to sell slightly used clothes, but I have a small mountain of clothes (organized, but it's still kind of a lot) that I need to sell and it's been taking up space. My parents have a whole freaking house plus other storage space on top of that, and they're getting bugged about these clothes not being sold fast enough. They're not just lying around the house, they're in an out-of-the way closet except for a few that I pulled out to take pictures of.

My mom goes through them - first mistake, since I've already told her several times to keep her paws off my things because she has a track record of just getting rid my stuff and disrespecting my privacy - and picks out all the things that still had tags on them and thinks the rest can just be donated. I'm glad she only got that far before I could tell her PLEASE DON'T. And then she offered to buy some of them off me and then donate them anyway because she doesn't want me to end up like my "packrat" grandmother.

She keeps acting like I'm attached to these clothes and that's why they don't sell fast enough. That's not even it! I've just collected junk over the years, or friends have dumped their old stuff and told me to do as I wish, and I want to make money off of them! I know how stingy my mom is with certain things, and I know she wouldn't pay me what I know some of those items are worth.

And then she says she thinks it'll just take up less space in my mind, as if she's being conscious of my ADHD (which she refuses to properly acknowledge and chooses to think I'm actually somewhere on the autism spectrum although she has no idea how to handle someone with autism either).

The amount of disrespect in this makes me want to scream. I'm not being given the chance to handle my own things and being treated like a child, my personal property is not safe, and I'm being mocked in such a backhanded way it's truly astounding.

And the whole thing about my grandma? I know she is an imperfect human like everyone else but she is the sweetest and most hard-working person I know and hearing her be reduced to a "packrat" is so insulting. No need to imagine why my grandma keeps things on hand even if it's too much? Her lifestyle is giving and creating - she always cooks 5x more than necessary because she hates to see people starve, she made me and my siblings pajamas for Christmas each year until her hands couldn't do it anymore, she made her home a beautiful place for us to go to whenever we could visit and it wasn't about looks, it was about warmth. When I'm old I want to be so much like her, and yeah I'm pissed that my mom, her daughter in law, thinks of her that way.

I grew up being controlled and subdued and pressured into a mere shadow of my potential and I won't tolerate having both myself and my hero being disrespected over something that to any other rational being wouldn't even be an annoyance. And I'm tired of having to constantly guard my things in fear that they will suddenly disappear one day with only a "oops" and a shrugs from my mother.

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

[ionlyreadfivebookslastweek]

Bless The Broken Road - 23

Tuesday, April 20th. Jane looked over at Spencer sitting at his desk. It appeared that he had just finished up on his paperwork and was pulling out a chess board from a drawer.

She stood up and walked over to sit on his desk. “You’re playing chess against yourself?” she questioned. “Why don’t you play against me?”

He looked up at her. “Do you know how to play?”

She shrugged. “I know the basics.”

JJ walked over to them before they could start. “We have a new case,” she informed them.

Spencer turned back to Jane. “To be continued,” he told her with a smile.

“Prepare for a long flight, folks, because you are heading to Utah,” Garcia told the team once everyone had settled into the briefing room. “One month ago, Melissa Nichols reported her sister’s family missing. This includes her sister, brother-in-law, and two nephews. The police never did anything about it. This morning, the police responded to an odor complaint at the family’s residence and found the house to be completely empty except for a decaying body, which is yet to be ID’d. The coroner puts the time of death at right around a month ago.”

“We’ll discuss more on the jet as we have a long flight ahead of us. Wheels up in 30,” Hotch ordered.

Jane turned to Spencer. “Want to play chess before we leave?”

“Why don’t we go get on the jet right away? That way we don’t have to move when it’s time to go,” Spencer suggested.

Jane agreed and they moved to gather their things before heading to the jet. Spencer helped her out on the first few rounds and they spent the majority of the flight playing, Jane slowly improving over time.

Shortly before landing, they briefly discussed the case and Hotch directed the team to where he wanted them to go. “Reid and JJ, talk to the sister. Jane and Morgan, head to the crime scene and talk to neighbors. Dave and I will talk with the coroner and set up at the police station. Garcia, I want you to look into any enemies the family may have had to see who the John Doe is.

When Jane and Morgan went to the house, they found it to be quite literally empty other than blood and other stains from the victim. They spent some time looking around before going next door to speak to the neighbor, a nice, elderly lady who shared how she hadn’t seen the family, or any other activity, for about a month other than the cops showing up.

“What’s the last thing you remember seeing?” Jane asked the woman.

“There were two men loading all of their belongings into a white moving van. It took them several trips to move everything. I figured they moved, but it was strange. I never saw a for sale sign in the yard or anything,” she divulged.

“Thank you for your help.”

Morgan and Addison headed back to the car. On the drive back to the station, they talked about what they’d learned.

“Maybe the family didn’t kill the guy. Maybe the victim is one of the movers. The pair planned on robbing and abducting the family but something went wrong so the UNSUB killed his partner,” Morgan pondered.

When the team gathered back together, Hotch and Rossi shared that they learned the name of the victim: Frank Owen.

“Melissa insists the family had no enemies and would never kill anyone,” JJ shared.

“She’s right. A neighbor told us she saw movers taking their belongings out of the house and into a moving van a month ago. We think the victim is one of the movers and the UNSUB’s partner,” Jane shared.

“Let’s have Garcia look into owners or renters of white moving vans who also own or rent storage units in the area. Jane and Reid, go talk to Melissa again. Ask if she knows the victim. The rest of us will start looking at the geographical profile,” Hotch told everyone.

Spencer and Jane made their way down the hallway to the room Melissa was sitting in.

“No, I don’t recognize him,” Melissa told them after they showed her a picture of the victim and told her his name.

“Did your sister’s family own anything particularly valuable?” Jane asked.

She shook her head.

Spencer set a pen and notepad in front of her. “Do you think you could write a list of everything you remember your sister having in her house? It can be as detailed or generic as you remember. We’ll give the list to our technical analyst so she can see if any users online are selling multiple items off of the list.”

“We’ll give you some time to think,” Jane told her. She turned to Spencer and asked, softly, “Want to go grab some coffee while we wait?”

“Sure,” he agreed as they walked towards the door.

“Wait,” Melissa called out. “Can you stay with me? I can’t focus while I’m left all alone.”

Jane told him, “I’ll bring you back a coffee,” before leaving.

Five minutes later, Jane returned and handed Spencer a coffee as she sat down next to him, touching his arm affectionately.

“This is all that I can remember,” Melissa told them, handing over the notepad.

“Thank you. This helps,” Spencer assured her before he and Jane exited the room. Jane sent pictures of the list to Garcia and told her what to do with it.

Around ten minutes later, Garcia called to tell the team she’d found a number of the items for sale online. The team decided to set up a fake meeting to buy a piece of furniture from the UNSUB, Morgan posing as the buyer in order to catch the UNSUB.

When they managed to apprehend him, they brought him in for interrogation. After talking with him for several minutes, they were able to get him to tell them about a storage unit he owned where he housed all of the stolen items.

The team rushed to the location and found all of the family’s stuff, but no bodies. As they looked around, they began to pick up a foul smell coming from the unit next door. Breaking into the unit, it was empty other than the bodies of the family members decomposing.

When the team got back to the police station, Spencer took it upon himself to be the one to tell Melissa the bad news. Jane watched on as she covered her mouth with her hands in shock before flinging her arms around Spencer. He flinched at the contact, but then hugged her back, comforting her. Jane’s eyes widened in confusion.

~

On the flight home, Jane moved to go sit by Spencer.

“Is she going to be ok?” she asked, referring to Melissa.

“Eventually,” he told her.

~~~

A few days later on Friday, Jane approached Spencer’s desk just as he was getting off the phone.

“Who was that?” Jane asked.

“Melissa,” he told her.

“Melissa from the last case Melissa?” she questioned.

“Yeah. I gave her my number the first time JJ and I interviewed her. I thought she’d leave the station and wanted her to be able to contact us if she thought of more information. I didn’t realize she’d end up staying at the station until we solved the case,” he explained.

~~~

A week later it happened again. Jane took a seat on Spencer’s desk and asked him who he was texting.

“Melissa. She’s had a rough day,” he told her.

"You know you don't have to do that. It's not your job to take care of people after a case is over,” Jane reminded him.

He shrugged. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It’s not your burden.”

“And why does that matter?”

Jane stood up and put her hands up. “You know what? I don’t want to fight about this so I’m just going to walk away.”

Before he could answer, Jane headed off to Garcia’s office, entering without knocking.

“You know it’s rude not to-” she paused mid-sentence upon seeing Jane’s face. “What’s wrong?”

Jane sighed. “Spencer and I just got into a fight.”

“No! About what?”

“He’s still in contact with Melissa Nichols from the last case. I told him it wasn’t his job to console her and he got defensive.” Jane pulled up a chair next to her blonde companion. “I’m scared, Pen. What if he starts getting feelings for her?”

“Oh honey, you know that’ll never happen! He’s crazy about you,” Garcia assured her. “Did you tell him that's why you didn't like him talking to her?”

“No.”

“You need to tell him.”

Jane sighed. “I know. I will, but later.”

~~~

Sunday, May 9th, Jane still hadn’t talked to Spencer about her feelings about him continuing to talk to Melissa, hoping he’d stop by now.

At 3am, Spencer’s phone rang, waking both of them up.

Spencer groaned and sat up, reaching blindly for the phone on the bedside table. It stopped ringing just as he picked it up.

“It’s Melissa,” he told Jane.

“You're still talking to her?” Jane questioned, sitting up as well.

“Yeah.”

“What, hasn't she ever heard of time differences?”

“She's having a rough time right now,” Spencer defended her.

“And why is that your issue?”

“Why does it matter? Why do you care? It shouldn't be that big of a deal!” he yelled. ”Why do you really not want me talking to her?”

“You're a profiler, figure it out yourself,” Jane spat back at him, getting out of bed.

She went to the closet and picked out extra sheets and a pillow, taking them to the living room.

“What are you doing?” Spencer asked, following her.

“You can sleep on the couch for the rest of the night,” she told him.

"You're kicking me out of my own bedroom? It's my apartment!” he argued.

“The last time I checked, it was our apartment!”

“Not anymore.”

Jane’s eyes widened and she took a step back. “You’re serious?” she asked softly.

Spencer thought for a moment. “Yeah.”

Jane let out a ragged breath before saying, “Fine then.”

She headed back to the bedroom and pulled out her suitcase, filling it quickly before returning to the living room to put shoes on.

“Where are you going?” Spencer interrogated.

“I’m going to go stay at Jack’s place if that’s how you really feel,” she told him.

She was almost out the door when Spencer called out to her.

“Jane.”

She turned back to look at him. “Yeah?” she asked, hopeful.

“You forgot your keys.”

She looked to find her keys on the counter still. “Oh right.” Jane grabbed the keys and headed out the door. After closing it, she stopped to stare at it for a moment, waiting for it to reopen. Waiting for Spencer to rush after her and stop her from leaving. But the door remained closed. Taking a deep breath, Jane turned away and headed off to Jack’s.

~

Inside the apartment, Reid groaned in frustration. How could he let her leave like that?

He made his way to the nearest bookshelf and grabbed a book at random, throwing it across the room in anger. He continued his tantrum, throwing stuff all around the room before collapsing on the couch in regret.

~

Jane arrived at Jack’s and let herself in, trying not to wake him up at such an early hour. She slipped off her shoes, set her stuff down, then settled in on the couch to sleep for the rest of the night.

~

In the morning, Jane awoke to Jack gently shaking her shoulder.

“Jane, what are you doing here?”

Jane sat up, last night’s memories rushing back to her. “Oh god,” she cried, putting her face in her hands. “Spencer and I got into a giant fight last night and I tried to kick him out to the couch. He responded by telling me it wasn’t our apartment anymore, it was just his.”

“Oh, Jane.” Jack moved to sit next to her and wrapped his arms around her. “I’m so sorry. I’m sure he didn’t mean it. You know what you should do?”

“What?” “You should dress super nice for work and show him what he’s missing,” Jack suggested.

“What time is it?”

“9am.”

Jane broke away from his embrace. “I’m late!”

She grabbed her bag and hurried to go get ready.

Arriving to work hours late, Garcia greeted her as she entered the bullpen.

“Thank goodness you’re here. I was just about to call you. We have a case. I was just going to tell everyone to head to the round table.”

“Don’t worry, I’m here,” Jane assured her, grateful for the distraction of a case.

When she entered the briefing room, Jane asked Morgan to trade seats with her.

“Why?” he questioned.

“Please just do it? Quickly!” Jane insisted.

“Alright, alright.”

They swapped seats right before Spencer entered the room. As he made his way to his seat, he didn’t even spare a glance towards Jane.

Garcia filled them in on the case. Three people had been killed in Huntsville, Alabama, each stabbed six times in the stomach. The first was a college professor, the second a drug dealer and third a prostitute.

Once the briefing was over, Jane went to her desk to gather her things and prepare to leave. Her phone rang and she saw that it was Jack calling her.

“Jane, how are you doing?” Jack asked.

“Not so good, Jack,” she told him, looking around to make sure no one was paying attention to her. “He won’t even look at me. But we have a case, so hopefully, that can take my mind off of it for a while.”

“Do you want me to stay on the phone with you until you have to leave to keep you busy?” he offered.

“I appreciate it, but I have some stuff to do before we leave. I’ll be alright. Just remember to pick up Shortstack after work. You’re in charge of him for a few days.”

“Alright. Good luck. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

~

Jane and Spencer sat on opposite ends of the jet for the flight.

Once they got closer to their destination, Hotch assigned the team their duties.

“Garcia, look into the backgrounds of the victims. Try to find a connection. Dave and I will set up at the field office. JJ and Reid, talk to the professor’s relatives. Morgan and Addison, head to the latest crime scene.”

Jane instantly relaxed when she heard that she didn’t have to be paired up with Reid. Morgan noticed from across the aisle.

As soon as they got into the SUV, Morgan looked over at her.

“What?” she questioned.

He looked forward again and started driving.

“What’s going on between you and Reid?” he asked.

She sighed. “I knew this question was coming.”

“Come on, baby girl. Talk to me.”

“We got in a fight because I didn’t like the fact that he’s still in contact with Melissa from that case in Utah a while back. Words were spat back and forth last night and I ended up leaving to stay at Jack’s,” she explained. “He wouldn’t even look at me today, Derek. I don’t know what to do.”

“You should talk to him about how you feel,” he encouraged her.

“I know I’ll have to eventually,” she conceded.

They arrived at the crime scene and parked on the side of the street before stepping out into the alleyway.

“This is concealed from the street pretty good. There’s not much lighting,” Morgan observed. He headed down farther to check something out just as his phone began to ring. Taking it out of his pocket and looking at it, he tossed it to Jane to answer while he continued down the alley.

“Hello,” Jane answered.

“Hey.”

Jane’s heart leaped up to her throat. It was Spencer calling. She looked down the alley towards Morgan, accusingly. He knew it was him calling.

“The professor was accused of rape a while ago and was recently acquitted,” Reid shared.

“Jane, come here!” Morgan called.

“Hang on,” she told Reid, walking over to Morgan.

“This business has a camera on their back door,” Morgan stated.

“We found a camera. We’ll get the footage to Garcia,” Jane shared with Reid.

“Alright. Well, you should call her since I’m not allowed to have communications with other women,” Spencer told her.

“Spencer--”

He hung up before she got the chance to continue. She stared at the phone for a second before nearly throwing it to the floor.

“Hey hey hey!” Morgan stopped her. “That’s my phone!”

“I’m sorry,” Jane apologized. “He just snapped at me about how I should call Garcia cause ‘he’s not allowed to speak to other women’,” she explained, using air quotes.

“I’ll talk with him later, alright? Right now let’s go talk to the business owner.”

They were able to access the camera footage but were unable to make out much from it. They sent it on to Garcia for further analysis and asked her to access the street cameras nearby as well.

“Is everything alright with you and Reid?” Garcia asked during the phone call.

“Not exactly, but we don’t have time to talk about that right now, Pen,” Jane told her.

Jane and Morgan headed back to the field office where the rest of the team was meeting. They’d already narrowed down the target area and determined the UNSUB was likely a vigilante killer, as he had targeted an alleged rapist, drug dealer, and prostitute.

The team worked to finish up the profile and delivered it before calling it a day and going out to dinner.

~~~~~~~~~~

Bless The Broken Road Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~

Tag List:

@cynbx @neon-deanmon @drw0301bieber @notsosmartbutcute @banananna99

[mearcatsreturns]

We Part Only to Meet Again, ch. 9

A problem springs up with Luka’s work visa and he is on the verge of having to leave the country. Abby can’t stand the thought of him leaving and offers a solution: a green card marriage. It might kill them both, but they're committed. 

Luka and Abby continue to enjoy each other, sometimes in ill-advised places at ill-advised times. The ER receives a letter and they mourn as a group.

And @somekindofflowergirl and I are back with the 9th chapter of our marriage of convenience AU! Sorry about the delays--between starting a new job and then having my blog deleted, writing only happened sporadically. But we’re glad to be back.

It’s also on ao3, if that’s more your speed. 

Ch. 9: A Letter and Consolation

Luka couldn’t help but smile as he made his way into the ER. He and Abby had slightly staggered shifts today, so she was already there, and he couldn’t wait to see her.

It had been about a month since they’d found their way back together. To bed, that is. Well, beds, couches, counters, and on one memorable occasion, an office printer at work. He was almost used to the eye-rolling from their coworkers at this point.

He and Abby had even met their neighbors, who were less than enthusiastic about how loud living next to them had gotten. That had been a little embarrassing, but he’d since had someone come by and improve the insulation, which had helped (so had the apology cookies he’d given them).

It should have gotten easier to bear, the heat between them, but it was as if indulging it had just made their hunger for each other stronger. Not that Luka had any complaints—nor did Abby, it seemed—but it might have made it simpler to do things, like, oh, work.

“Morning, Jerry, Frank,” he greeted them after clocking in. Frank just made an annoyed sound, and even Jerry shook his head as Luka walked past.

And there was Abby coming out of trauma two. Even though she was a mess, she lit up when she saw him.

He grinned back at her, resisting the urge to kiss her passionately in the middle of the hall. “Are you done in there?”

“Yeah, it was an MVA, but we got the guy stabilized and Romano took him up to surgery.”

“Want to help me out with my next case? I think it’s just a simple fracture.”

“...do you need my help?” Her mouth was twitching as she tried to hide a laugh.

Helping her untie the used smock (if he took the opportunity to slightly and subtly grope her, so be it) and throwing it away, he shrugged. “Well, you never know. Maybe it’s more serious and I just won’t be able to see it.”

“See, to me it sounds like you’re just flirting and trying to seduce a poor, innocent nurse.”

“Maybe I am, but do you have anything else urgent?”

“Okay, okay, I’ll go with you.”

It did indeed look like a simple, straightforward break. They took the patient up to radiology. Certainly, both of them didn’t need to go, but the way Abby gasped when he surreptitiously ran his hand under her scrub top as he passed by her might have played a role in convincing her to “help.”

Once the patient was in with the radiology tech, Abby said she was going to get a few things from the supply closet while they waited, giving him a long look. Luka quickly offered to help. The tech rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath, but waved them away. “Just be back in like half an hour for the patient, okay? I’ll send the films down.”

He didn’t care, just hurried after his wife, following her into the supply room.

She was facing the door when he came in, and she wasted no time in flinging herself into his arms.

Meeting her lips with a quiet groan, he reached down to lift her up into his arms. He walked them back up against the counter, her legs wrapped around his hips.

“You sure this is a good idea?” she asked when they pulled back for a breath.

He cupped her jaw and lifted her lips to his in an all-consuming kiss. “I am,” he said.

Abby didn’t waste time disagreeing, reaching for him and fumbling with his belt. He tugged at her scrub pants, pulling them off as quickly as he could and bringing her to the edge of the countertop.

She succeeded in getting him free, and he moaned into their kiss as she wrapped her hand around him, stroking him until he was fully hard.

Luka stepped between her legs and thrust into her without much preamble. He felt the familiar thrill of satisfaction at how Abby clutched at him, biting down on her lip to keep from crying out. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, wordlessly encouraging him to move.

He set a quick pace, knowing that as thrilling as the semi-public location was, every minute they continued they risked getting caught. He reached between them, trying to help Abby along. It didn’t take her much longer before she was gasping his name, pushing him over the edge after her.

With a sigh of regret, he pulled back from her after a minute or two, and they hurried to clean themselves up. When Abby reached for the door to head back out, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him, giving her a lingering kiss.

He finally slipped out into the hallway when Abby yelped in surprise. Rushing out to see what had startled her, he started heading toward the elevator. Then he heard the distinct sound of someone clearing their throat, and Luka turned to face a very disapproving Susan, standing with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.

He could feel his entire body turning red. “I was, ah, I was grabbing something from storage.”

“I don’t want to know what the ‘something’ of Abby’s was. Anyway, one of your patients needs you, and the films are ready for your radial fracture.”

“Okay...I’ll...I’ll just go see to that.”

Susan sighed. “First, I’d make sure your shirt is buttoned properly, okay?”

He looked down. Sure enough, his buttons were askew.

“Just...no more...boffing at work, please.”

Luka nodded and fled as quickly as he could.

&&&

Abby was tending to a patient in sutures when she felt Luka slide behind her, his hand slipping down to give her hip a squeeze. She gave him what she hoped was a quelling look, but probably wasn’t. She couldn’t get enough of his hands and his answering smolder said he knew it. He apparently hadn’t gotten her into enough trouble today already.

Ugh, he shouldn’t be so attractive when he was smug. But dammit, he WAS, and he had REASON to be.

Still, there were protocols they ought to be observing at work. Silly ones, such as, oh, don’t have sex in the ER, and also, probably, don’t flirt and fondle each other in front of patients.

Abby was only a woman. One with a very handsome husband who enjoyed enticing her into breaking the rules. Repeatedly.

Luka efficiently checked the wound and asked for the suture kit, which Abby had at the ready. Haleh poked her head in to let her know she needed to change the IV on her diabetic patient.

“You good here?” She checked with Luka.

“I’ll miss you, but I’ve got this.”

She rolled her eyes at him as she ignored his grin and aimed to be stern with her reply.

“Behave, Dr. Kovač.”

He stared back at her with his eyes practically twinkling. Was he seriously turned on right now? Their earlier rendezvous was only a couple hours ago.

Abby watched him in disbelief before shaking her head and turning to go. On the way out, she heard the patient.

“So I guess that stuff about nurses and doctors is true, huh?”

Luka laughed at the older man in response.

“Well, in this case anyway. She’s my wife.”

The pride in his voice nearly made her turn around to kiss him.

&&&

A few hours later, Abby was standing at admit, listening to Carter read Dr. Greene’s letter. He sounded remarkably upbeat, considering. That was the power of getting away from County and sitting on a beach, she guessed. Or, more likely, he was doing it for their sakes, focusing on the positive. That sounded like something he would do.

Luka came over then, coffee mug in hand.

“What’s going on?” He bent toward her ear.

“It’s from Dr. Greene.”

Damn, the man was on the beach in Hawaii and longing for a trauma. “The day I start fantasizing about critical procedures is the day I leave, too.”

What followed sounded like a goodbye to all of them, and Abby guessed it was. She shifted so she could lean back against Luka. He slid a comforting hand onto her shoulder.

Carter stopped reading and Luka urged him to continue. “Go on.”

There wasn’t much left, just an endnote about his daughters finding a shell. Feeling a need to lighten the mood, Abby joked with Haleh about macadamia nuts. After a moment, she felt Luka tense, so she jerked up her head to look at him and followed his gaze to Carter. Oh god. She knew what he was going to say.

“What?” Susan knew, too, Abby could hear it in her voice, how her question wasn’t really a question.

Carter could hardly get the words out. No matter how weird things had been between them, she ached for her friend.

“This next part’s from Dr. Corday… ‘Mark died this morning.’”

&&&

The rest of the day was rough.

As much as Abby respected Dr. Greene and appreciated how gentle he was with patients and his coworkers, she hadn’t expected to feel personal loss when he died. But she did. Luka did too, she could feel it in how he gripped her briefly after they heard, could see it in the dark look in his eyes.

It wasn’t their tragedy, though, not really. So Abby tucked away her own shock and hurt over it and tried to comfort the ones who had known him longer and better.

After Carter faltered in the trauma with the dad from an MVA, she gave him a long look and followed him to the vending machines. He was moving forward, trying to get through the day, but his eyes showed how wrecked he really was.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. No. I…”

Abby tried to find the words to help him. They’d kept their distance when possible, ever since he’d found out about her marriage to Luka. Not out of guilt, but that day had made it clear that Carter had still had feelings for her. She could at least give him the space to get over it. Plus, he had really pissed her off.

None of that mattered at the moment.

“If you want to talk…”

“I can’t…not right now.” He closed his eyes. “Not...not because of you...I just need to put my head down to get through the rest of today.”

“Okay, you know where to find me.”

He nodded and started back toward admit.

Abby turned to see Luka coming toward her as she grabbed her soda.

“Is he okay?”

She looked up at him and gave a weak attempt at a smile.

“I don’t think anybody is today.”

“Yeah.”

He looked like he was going to say more, as he worked his jaw, but he thought better of it and put his arms around her instead. She buried her face in his chest and breathed deep, focusing on the smell of him and the warmth, his heartbeat thumping beneath her ear. A small shudder went through him before he relaxed, sighed and kissed her head, running his hand down her back.

“Susan wants to go out for drinks after work. What do you think?”

Luka pulled back to eye her carefully. “Will that be okay for you?”

Abby wanted to scoff and say of course, but made herself stop and consider.

“I think so. As long as you come too. I know you have to stay a little later, but I’ll be alright for a little while. I think...I think she really needs someone to be there tonight.”

He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear before answering.

“Okay, if you’re sure, I’d like to go. And we can leave whenever you need to, even if it’s as soon as I get there.”

The trust in his eyes loosened something inside her.

“Thanks, Luka. I don’t really want to go home by myself tonight either.”

Luka gave her another gentle squeeze before taking her by the hand and walking back toward admit. Carter was there, in front of the board, and she caught him looking at them. He looked away, his expression inscrutable.

“Let me know before you leave?”

“Yeah.”

She looked back to her husband and swiped her thumb across the back of his hand before letting go. Before she left, she would make a quick trip to OB to let Janet know her plans for the evening.

&&&

Abby and Susan had a quiet L ride and stroll to the Lava Lounge. It was an, um, interesting location for a wake. The tiki bar atmosphere made Abby feel even more depressed.

She wanted Luka. Taking a deep breath, she refocused on Susan. The others were supposed to trickle in soon, but it was just the two of them for the moment.

“I feel like asking how you’re doing is really stupid, so I’m just going to say you can talk to me instead. If you want to.”

Susan nodded and sipped at her enormous tropical drink.

“God, this sucks.”

“Yeah,” Abby agreed, swirling the straw of her club soda with lime.

She thought back to the sexual harassment seminar, and Carter’s insistence on Susan and Dr. Greene having feelings for each other. Susan had seemed genuine in her denial, and Abby hoped for her sake that she was. They must have been on the same wavelength because Susan started talking about it.

“Mark and I. We, uh, we never went out. That was true. But we did have feelings for each other, before. Neither of us said anything until I was leaving. I always kind of thought of him as the one that got away.”

“Wow, that...that sucks.”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m not still there. I fell in love with Dix, he fell in love with Elizabeth, and we both moved on. I just figured some things happen for a reason. But part of me can’t help but wonder what might have been different if we hadn’t. Or if nothing would have, and I’d be the widow trying to raise a baby and stepdaughter by myself.” Susan shuddered and took a big gulp.

Abby hadn’t been able to think of Corday all day without pain. She couldn’t help but imagine how hard this must be, especially with their separation. For a split second, she imagined losing Luka like that. She could barely breathe at the thought. How much worse the reality of it would be.

Luka. God. He’d gone through that, and so much worse. At least Corday still had Ella, still had her to love and care for. Damn, she needed to hold her husband.

Looking to her new friend, she tried to picture things from her perspective. If she and Luka hadn’t reconciled, and then he’d died...he would never have known she did care for him, she’d never have known he cared for her. What would she have needed to hear?

“I don’t know that I really believe in meant to be. But I do know that Dr. Greene and Corday loved each other. I know you were a good friend to him, and I am sure that meant a lot.”

“Yeah,” Susan answered hoarsely, wiping her eyes.

“I’m sure there’s someone out there for you. You’re a good friend, you’re great with kids, you’re a great doctor, you’re pretty—you will find someone. It just wasn’t him.”

“Part of me feels...relieved that it wasn’t. You know? It hurts like hell just to lose my friend.”

“Yeah,” Abby whispered back.

Her own eyes watered as she watched Susan try to get herself back under control. It took a couple minutes of wiping her eyes with a napkin, taking deep breaths, and a gulp of her drink before she turned to Abby with a weak smile.

“Okay, enough of that for now. So, really, you don’t believe in fate or meant to be? Despite your newlywed, clearly cannot keep your hands or anything else to yourself phase?”

Abby flushed bright red. Had it really only been that morning that Susan had caught her and Luka trying to sneak out of radiology, obviously post-coital? It felt like a week ago.

“Uh...yeah...sorry about...that.”

Susan laughed a little. “I wish I could say you were the first, but at least I didn’t actually catch you in the act. Just make sure you’re always far away from the emergency call button. That’s how we caught Mark and Jennifer.”

Wow. Alright then. “Did that really happen?”

“Yep, we rushed in with the defibrillator and everything.” Susan laughed at the memory.

“That would be…” Abby couldn’t imagine living that down. They had to knock it off, or it was bound to happen. If it had been someone else who caught them, like Dr. Weaver, they probably wouldn’t still have jobs.

“Hey, I get it. I just can’t believe I never saw how much chemistry you two have before. It’s hard enough to work near you two sometimes, I’m sure it’s hard to hold back.”

Ha. If she only knew how many times Abby had held back.

“Yeah, it’s just...I think it would be easier if I did believe in fate. Because I still feel scared sometimes at how close we came to losing that.”

The vulnerability was uncomfortable, even though Susan had been just as open. She joked, trying to get back to safer ground.

“Plus, Luka’s really hot, so…I don’t know, can you blame me?”

Susan giggled at that and then burst into laughter as Abby joined her. It hadn’t been that funny, and the laughter was a bit hysterical, but it was a relief to release some of that tension.

“What’s this about?” In the commotion, Abby had missed Luka, Gallant and Haleh’s approach. She sighed and placed her hand on top of the one he laid on her shoulder, and she immediately felt grounded.

“Your sexual prowess,” Susan responded then cackled. Abby giggled at Luka’s horrified look and shook her head at him in answer.

The others sat down and Susan pulled herself together. Gallant went to grab drinks and Abby looked at Luka in question as he asked for a Coke. He merely winked in response and turned back to the conversation.

He didn’t have to do that, and she’d remind him later, but it was nice that he cared that much.

They all talked. Kerry and Sandy showed up, too. The others shared some memories, and they did some toasting. It was nice, but the melancholy started hitting Abby hard. She wasn’t exactly craving a drink, but she was becoming more and more aware of how easy it would be. With the day, the reminder that anything terrible could happen at anytime, to anyone, it would be so easy to slip. But Abby just wanted to go home and have Luka hold her. She settled for laying her head on his shoulder.

“You alright?”

Her half-hearted smile didn’t fool him. He turned to the others.

“I guess we’ll see you all at work. We’re going to head home. Been a long day.”

They said their goodbyes and Abby stopped to share a sad smile with Susan. “If you need anything…”

“Thanks, Abby. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Luka wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she snuggled into him even as they walked toward the door side-by-side.

“Do you need to stop anywhere or call Janet or anything?”

She looked up at his earnest, eager-to-help face. There wasn’t a single trace of judgment there, and she wanted to kiss him for it.

“I just need you.”

Luka startled and looked down at her with a cocked eyebrow.

“Not like that, perv.” She smacked his arm, laughing. “I want to go home and crawl into bed and be held. Can we do that?”

He hummed in response and kissed her head.

“Absolutely.”

&&&

They nearly ran into Carter in the alley. He was heading in to the Lava Lounge, hands tucked into his pockets, lost in thought.

Luka narrowly avoided a collision, reaching out to grasp Carter’s shoulder. “Sorry.”

“Oh...no, I’m sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

He glanced over and saw Abby smile sadly at Carter. “It’s okay.”

The three of them stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to say. Finally, Carter cleared his throat and broke the silence. “So...you two headed out?”

Abby nodded. “Yeah, it’s—well, it’s been a long day, and people are starting to drink, so we’re out, but pretty much everyone else is still inside, and they’d love to see you.”

“Haleh and Kerry both asked after you,” Luka said, squeezing Abby’s arm. God, he loved her. Loved how supportive she was, even when she was hurting too.

“Okay, thanks. Well, you two have a good evening.”

They told him good night and were continuing on their way when Carter called out, “Luka, wait.”

He looked over at Abby quizzically, and she shrugged in response. He patted her on the shoulder and turned back to face Carter.

Carter took a deep breath. “I—I know it’s belated and I should have said it sooner, but...congratulations. You two seem happy together.”

Huh. There was nothing like a reminder of the fleeting nature of life to bring things into perspective, Luka supposed. He stuck out his hand to Carter, who shook it with a brief smile. “Thanks. And...take care of yourself, yeah?”

“Will do. Thanks again.”

Carter made his way inside, and Luka hurried to catch up with Abby.

“What was that about?”

“He just...well, he said congratulations to us. I think it’s been a hard time for him.”

“A little late,” she said with a snort.

“Better late than never, eh?”

She beamed up at him and stood on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Yeah, that’s true.”

[mrtroy]

A Tough Day

I write most of the entries on this blog with some sort of lesson, or resolution in mind. As in, the topic I’m writing about or learning about has resolved itself and I’m writing in retrospect. Usually, I like to let life play out a little – often times, the topics I write about are based on things I have learned over years of time.

Today, and in this post, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to write about today. Today was not an easy day. There is no resolution yet. I’m not sure what I’ve learned, and I’m just writing because I need to write.

PUNCH the KEYS as Sean Connery’s character says in my favorite movie, Finding Forrester. You write your first draft with your heart and your second draft with your head. I don’t know if there will ever be a second draft to this post, but this is very much a first draft.

--

I went to a wedding today, and if you know me well, you know that weddings are not my favorite events. For many reasons that I’ve tried to better understand, I have a lot of trouble at weddings.

However, when I woke up this morning at 6:20 AM, none of my usual wedding day jitters were there. My head was clear, none of my usual wedding-attendance anxiety was flaring up.

This wedding was for a new friend of mine, Bryan, who I have met taking the train to work and his lovely new wife, Leeann. We’ve developed a neat friendship over the last year, and I was really excited to be a part of their special day. The event was scheduled during the day, it was small, it was at a single venue and as far as weddings go, it seemed like it had all the makings to be the kind of setup that I would really enjoy.

--

I’m not much of a day-to-day planner, but I all week I’ve had it in my mind that Saturday afternoon at 2:30, I had plans. The venue would take about 40 minutes to get to, I would need to leave about an hour or so to get there – maybe I would leave a little earlier than that – call it 1:15… I was going to wear blue pants and a blue jacket. Brown shoes and belt. The comfortable blue socks I like were clean. I could wear those. The red, white and blue striped tie would look good with the jacket… I wasn’t positive which dress shirt I would wear, but I knew I had options from the last time I took stuff to the cleaners…

This might seem pretty standard, but for me, this is pretty advanced planning…

And I felt good about it.

A need for an eye doctor’s appointment popped up during the week, and the associate at the doctor’s office asked if I could do 8 AM on Saturday. Perfect. Figure 8 to 9:30 at the latest for the appointment. Drive home, and start writing. I like to include notes with cards I give at weddings, and I like to write them in the moment. So, from 10 to 11, I figured I’d write, then get washed up, shave, get ready and have plenty of time leave the house between 1 and 1:15.

--

The eye doctor went well, but it did take a little longer than expected. The brand of contacts I’ve been wearing for the last eighteen years has been discontinued, so, in the process of switching brands, it took a little longer to find something that worked. No problem, I left the doctor’s office at 9:40. Still plenty of time to get home and continue getting ready for the day.

I got home, without issue and sat down to write.

For notes I really care about, I write them on blue legal paper. Interesting, sure. I had never seen a blue legal pad before and I ended up with one, so whenever I have a note that has a little more significance – like a wedding note – I bust out the blue pad.

I spent about an hour writing a note to Bryan and Leeann, was happy with what I scribbled down, and folded the note into the card – which had a nice blue envelop to match the blue piece of paper (yes!) – taped the envelop to their gift and started to head to the bathroom to shave and get ready. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 11:50. I was about twenty minutes behind the mental schedule I wanted to be on, but knew that I still had plenty of time to work with if I was going to leave between 1 and 1:15.

Before I made my way to the bathroom, I pulled out the wedding invitation to load the address into my phone to make sure traffic wasn’t awful before driving to the venue. I figured that if traffic was awful, I could hurry up a bit in getting ready and maybe leave closer to 1 than 1:15 just to be on the safe side.

When I looked at the invitation, my whole day began to fall apart.

From top to bottom, I read the very formalized introduction from the bride’s parents inviting me to join them on March ninth, two thousand and nineteen…

I feel like the only time you ever see the entirety of a year spelled out in words is on wedding invitation…

At the bottom of the invite, I read horrifying words.

The wedding started at eleven thirty in the morning. (With a reception to follow)

--

Wait, what?

11:30?

How had I had 2:30 in my mind for weeks?

I had been telling people all week that I was going to a wedding at 2:30 on Saturday. Last night I had met for dinner with another of our friends from the train, and I probably mentioned my schedule that revolved around 2:30 at least two or three times…

11:30?!

It was already 11:51.

My heart sank. How had I done this?

I never forget dates and times. Ever. If I commit something to memory like that, it’s in there. No question.

I looked again at the invitation.

I saw the word Two and then the TH from ‘thousand nineteen,’ and I realized what had happened. I had seen the Two Th… and I had read Two Thirty and implanted that into my mind. It wasn’t actually written, but I was so non-accustomed to reading out full dates, that I assumed when I saw ‘Two Th’ that it was 2:30.

Dude. What the heck.

All the wedding-day anxieties I normally get flooded my mind.

I texted my friend to ask what I should do. I called my mom. I started doing mini-laps around my kitchen.

All my advice told me to just get ready as fast as I could and get to the restaurant as soon as possible.

So, I tried that.

I shaved – pretty cleanly, actually. An improvement over my recent shaving form…

I went to go get dressed and I realized that I hadn’t worn either of the two dress shirts I had narrowed my outfit down to since I moved last month. As a result, while the shirts hadn’t been worn since the last time they’d been to the dry cleaner, they weren’t exactly in tip-top shape to be worn to a wedding.

No problem, ironing shirts is one of my favorite things to do, I unsheathed my trusty Black & Decker ICR505 from its over-door hanger and got to work on the white button down.

The shirt was in decent shape, but as I got to the back of the right sleeve, I noticed some sort of drip-like stain. It was brownish yellow and looked like something that would not have gotten on the shirt in the course of wearing it, but more likely was something that fell on it in the course of moving apartments. I noticed another remnant of the stain on the bottom of the back of the collar and this definitely confirmed my suspicion. These stain locations were far too obscure to happen over the course of normal wear.

No matter, there really wasn’t time to be debating stain origin. I got out my Tide Stick, and started blotting. There were maybe four or five different subsections of the stain across the different locations, and except for one on the back of the collar that would be covered by my jacket, I got the rest of them out.

But, time was ticking. It was now 12:50. How had it possibly taken me this long to shave and iron a shirt? What the heck was I doing?

I put my brown belt on, found my comfy blue socks, laced up my brown shoes and started to put my tie on. I could feel myself already starting to sweat. I rarely sweat, but this was one of those times where my heartrate was elevated despite standing still. 12:55.

Under normal circumstances, tying a necktie is not a hard thing to do. Loop over, around back up under, in between and through. Pull tight, adjust. I don’t wear ties a lot, but tying them doesn’t usually give me trouble. Of course, today, it did.

Things were spiraling at this point and with every attempt I was becoming more unhinged. Finally after three unsuccessful attempts that left the back part of the tie longer than the front, I got the tie how I wanted it and went to get my sport coat, the wedding gift, my winter coat, keys, etc. so I could leave the house and begin my drive.

I went into my closet expecting to find my blue sport coat. No sport coats, no suit coats just a bunch of empty hangers next to my dress pants. Again, I hadn’t needed this stuff since I moved last month, and while I thought these items were where they had been in my last apartment, they weren’t there today.

Storage.

Okay, the coats probably got left with some of my other outdoor jackets that I don’t have room for in this current closet. Those coats are downstairs in storage.

So, I gathered all my stuff and headed into the basement of my apartment where I had a storage unit. Deep in the bowels of my old building is a creepy area with a ton of random stuff and luckily it is also the home to a lot of items that don’t fit in my small space upstairs.

After a few minutes of rummaging, I found my blue sport coat and headed back upstairs to my car. Across the way, up to the third floor of the parking garage.

As I got everything into the car, I looked at the clock. 1:31

So much for between 1 and 1:15…

But, still, after all the mishaps and misfortunes of the morning with the stained shirt, the tying of the tie having to locate the sport coat, my GPS was still telling me I could make it to the venue by 2:15. Granted, that was two hours and 45 minutes late to the wedding, but for what it was worth, it was still fifteen minutes before the 2:30 start time I had been mentally calibrating for all week.

--

I tried to tell myself that despite the circumstances, and despite the fact that I was going to be late, try not to beat yourself up over it now. There’s nothing you can do…

I failed in that regard.

The entire drive to the venue, I lambasted myself mentally for committing the wrong time to memory. I felt awful for Bryan and Leeann to invite me – to sit me with her family no less – and then to have me not even know what time the wedding was at.

My chest felt like it was going to burst with anxiety.

In my head, I knew that Bryan and Leeann were some of the more understanding people I had ever met, but I could not stop feeling guilty about what had happened.

--

It started to rain.

I looked over to the seat to my right and didn’t see my umbrella. My mom – during our earlier call – had reminded me that it was going to rain, and that I should bring it with me. I had meant to. But I had forgotten it.

URG.

That’s fine, I thought, Leeann had sent out an email a few days earlier with a reminder that the venue had a complimentary valet parking service that we could utilize for the wedding. I’ll do that, the rain won’t get me too wet in that case.

Good. Okay.

Deep breaths.

--

As the minutes ticked down on the GPS, the estimated arrival time pushed a few minutes due to the rain and a little traffic. ETA: 2:19.

In my head, I really wanted to make it before 2:30. At least, in my own mind, I would have the peace of knowing that I wouldn’t have been late at the time I was thinking the wedding started.

More traffic.

2:25 ETA.

Finally, I pulled into the neighborhood that housed the venue. It was a nice area – one I’d never been before, but definitely nice. If only for the rain. It was coming down pretty good by now.

I came to the venue, saw the valet stand, but didn’t see anyone manning it. Figures. Most of the guests probably arrived three hours ago!

Before I knew it, I was past the venue and needed to turn around and try again. I went up a few streets, made four right turns and tried again.

More familiar this time, I looked for street spots right before the venue, and the last time by, I had noticed an alley I figured I could drive down to see if there was any parking in the back of the building.

Second time by, still no parking attendant. Still no street spots. So, I turned into the alley. The alley wound around quite a bit, and there were some spots, but they all had towing signs. Plus, I was far enough away from the venue that even if I risked it and tried to park in some random spot, I would have gotten soaked in my umbrella-less walk to the venue.

So, I turned around again, and began lap three towards the restaurant. Again, no parking attendant. Again no spots.

By this time, it was 2:35 and mentally, I was fried.

I began another lap and this time I decided that I would stop out in front of the venue and try to go inside and explain to someone what I was trying to do.

Luckily as I was coming up to the building for the fourth time after my last lap around the neighborhood, I saw a guy out front in a suit flower on his lapel. Ah. He must have been in the wedding.

I rolled down my window and asked if the wedding was still going on.

He laughed a bit and said that dinner was over, and it would probably be winding down soon, but yeah, it was still going on.

I told him I was supposed to be in there and had been driving around a bit and asked if there was still a valet working that might be able to help me find a spot for my car.

He went in and found the valet who was quite surprised to find that someone was actually still arriving to the event more than three hours after it started. Was I sure I wanted to go in, he asked, the wedding would be ending in 30 minutes he told me.

Seriously?

Well, I told him, could he find me a spot, and I could at least go in, give the bride and groom my gift, and then come back out and pick up my car?

He said sure, I put on my sport coat, dodged a few rain drops, and made my way into the restaurant.

It was 2:45.

Miraculously, within ten seconds of walking into the venue, Bryan was on his way back to the main dining room and he bumped into me.

He had this huge smile on his face as if to say, you made it! (I had decided not to text him between the time I realized I was going to be late and when I arrived – figuring he either wouldn’t have his phone, or wouldn’t want to be bothered on his big day with my whereabouts)

In a few seconds, I explained what had happened, and we laughed.

A few moments later, Leeann walked over. I gave her a hug, she said thanks for coming, and started to tell her the story of my morning as well.

At that moment, the clinking of glasses could be heard from the other room, and the bride and groom ran off to go dance.

I looked around and saw unfamiliar people in all directions. Dinner was over. The seating arrangements had broken down and people were just huddled around tables as they normally are at the tail end of weddings.

I found a bathroom and went to hide and try to think about what I could do.

I had already seen the only two people I would know at this wedding, and being that brides and grooms are always super busy at their own wedding, I wasn’t sure if would see them again any time soon.

I thought about pushing my way through into the main room, but to do what? Food was done being served.

The thought of going to dance did not seem appealing. Dancing rarely seems appealing to me, and after three hours of manically trying to get to this wedding, I was not feeling it in that moment to say the least.

I left the bathroom and figured I would go back out into the venue and see if I could see Bryan and Leeann again and maybe say hi.

After two nervous mini-laps around the side of the venue, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I went outside and saw the valet walking back to the valet stand. He hadn’t even parked my car yet. It had been sitting, double parked in the street for the last fifteen minutes. I got my keys, got in the car, and started to drive away.

--

Immediately, I knew this wasn’t the adult way to handle this. I should have gone all the way into the venue again, found a table and a glass of water and sat down near someone. Soon enough, someone would have come up to me and said hi, and from there, I should have mingled for a bit until Bryan or Leeann saw me.

But I didn’t do that.

As I often do in social settings where I don’t feel comfortable, I bailed.

In that moment, I longed deeply for a partner to be going to events like this with. Someone who would have forced me to confirm the starting time, and would have helped me avoid the entire predicament in the first place.

But, at the same time, I thought back to three other weddings where my inability to feel comfortable in the types of settings they produce had led to similar behavior that had greatly turned off three different girls I had been dating. Now, I was thankful that this latest episode didn’t occur with someone I cared about to the point where I would scare her off like I had the previous lot.

Just then, Bryan texted me asking where I was at.

As I drove, I didn’t reply right away – partially for safety reasons, but also because I didn’t know what to say.

In the moments after his text, shame pile drove me into the seat of my car. I decided then and there that I would never show my face to Bryan again. I contemplated no longer taking the train we ride together. Two seconds later, I had decided to get a new job. I figured he’d come to my apartment looking for me after a while, so I decided I would need to move across the country to get away from him.

I’m not sure what stopped that avalanche of thinking, but a few seconds later, I saw myself back in my therapist’s office trying to explain to him my actions.

--

The last two months of my life before today have been really good.

I’ve felt really healthy. My mind has been clear. I’ve been eating well, sleeping well, etc. I’ve felt like I have been doing well at work, I’ve been really pleased with how things have gone since I moved, and have generally been really hopeful and optimistic about where I’m at.

--

And then, I have a day like today.

A day that started innocently enough, and then within three hours and ten minutes of finding out I’m going to be late to a wedding, I’ve convinced myself that I’m going to run away from my friend, and move across the country.

Solid, Matt. Solid.

--

I drove home, changed out of my clothes and took a nap. Upon awakening, I felt a lot better and decided I would not be fleeing my apartment after all. And while – as I stated when I started writing this post – I don’t have a resolution or lesson figured out yet, I do believe two things.

The first is a reminder I live by that says, God gives us little things to take care of in preparation for the bigger things He has in store for us.

Today reminded me that for any and every big dream I’ve got, I still have a lot way to go just to be able to do the simplest of things to be able to function in normal social settings. I thought I was further along in my progress on that front, and apparently, that wasn’t the case.

I dream one day of a wife and a family, but obviously, I’m not ready for that responsibility. I can’t even hold my own life together to the point where an honest mistake about reading the time of a wedding wrong has me slippery-slope sliding to the point where I’ve talked myself into moving across the country.

The second thing I believe is that while I may not be able to dismiss the shame I manufactured into today’s situation, God can, and He does.

And in that, I do find hope.

Deep down, I know I don’t have to carry around guilt and shame for anything – let alone something as innocent as today’s mix-up.

I’m hoping that in the coming days, I can use today’s example as a reminder of what I have just written above, and the next time I have a little thing where I am entrusted to do the right thing, I can.

--

For now, I’m exhausted. Time for bed.

Try again in the morning.

Joshua 1:9

[pimientos-especiales]

“We spent half the day shopping for things to improve YOUR room and you’ve just been rude to us!”

Yeah well fucking first of all, I didn’t ask you to do that. YOU decided I needed to change out almost all the furniture in my room, you didn’t even let me say “No, I’m fine with the furniture I have now, the furniture I specifically picked out because I like it”, you decided I need to replace all this furniture even though we’re not swimming in wealth and those bookcases are only like a year old, you decided what furniture I was going to have to replace it, and when you graciously allowed me to choose the colors you dismissed my first choice for one of the items because it “doesn’t match anything in my room” even though it DOES and your whole thing was that I should “select a new color scheme”. So, okay, TL;DR - you spent half a day shopping for stuff YOU decided I need, YOU picked out, and YOU didn’t even let me pick the color on, for me. Okay. 

And then of course nobody tells me when to expect you back so I don’t know if I should have a late lunch, or an early lunch and a snack, or just eat dinner on my own, and you come back and my sister’s bitching about being hungry, so then she eats a bagel and I’m ridiculous for wondering when we’re supposed to be having dinner then if she just ate, she snarks at me that I’m welcome to start dinner even though she always ALWAYS ALWAYS fucking bitches about whatever I want to make and nobody tells me what we’re supposed to be having, and if she’s the one who’s OMG starving because she remains too fucking stupid to bring a granola bar with her when she goes places, or whatever healthy alternative because granola bars have sugar and that’s bad even though she’ll eat like half a tin of brownies overnight. 

And then I fucking stab my foot on a sharp corner in my room and nobody so much as calls “You okay?” when I scream out in pain, but that’s to be expected. 

So then it’s time to unload the furniture, and you know god forbid SHE ever fucking help unloading furniture or anything. I say, having had to help store like 7 of HER boxes in OUR storage closet even though she doesn’t even live here and has never once offered any sort of repayment for the amount of space her stuff takes up in OUR apartments or storage lockers. 

Anyway I just go get my coat and shoes on and get the keys because, hey, I didn’t go to the store, sure I’ll help unload, although there’s been like a billion times where I’m the one who helped go grocery shopping and unloaded the car and put everything away by myself while literally nobody helped me. But, whatever. 

So we come back with the trolley/lorry/cart/whatever the fuck it is and I’m stuck in the hallway and can’t get past the boxes, and I also figure “well some of this is going in my room anyway, may as well just move it into my room” and oh boy what a mistake. I should just know by now not try to do anything because I always get treated like I’m a huge idiot for, like, moving furniture into my room that goes in my room, especially when I’m trapped. 

So mom does that thing moms do - you know, that sort of “ugh, I’ll just do it myself, you’re making this worse” kind of attitude? That. So you know, that’s always great. I’m just trying to be goddamn helpful, but I see it’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario! And anyway while I’m attempting to help, I bash my toe into the big tire on the cart, and go “ow ow ow!” and yet AGAIN get one of those mom attitudes, like how dare I be in pain? She always seems so annoyed when I get hurt, even though she just reacts like she’s been shot in the head over dumb shit. And like 45 minutes later my toe still hurts. 

And then meanwhile the dogs are just carrying on a whine storm in their crate, and mom tells them to shush, and my sister’s all “No, that’s giving them attention, that’s what they want” and you know I guess it’s all well and good for someone who DOESN’T OWN A DOG and isn’t with these dogs 24/7 like I am to be full of advice, even though of course everyone ignored MY dog advice when I was spending hours looking up tips and shit earlier because what do I know? And I guess it’s all well and good to say “giving them attention is what they want!” when you aren’t hyper-sensitive to high-pitched sounds such as dog whining and since you don’t live with them 24/7 you don’t know that they literally will not stop for an hour even if you ignore them, and when you aren’t hyper-sensitive to high-pitched sounds I guess listening to a dog whining for an hour isn’t a big deal! 

And she has the absolute gall to ask why I’m always so awful to her. Like excuse me, I could write a fucking novel about all the times you’ve been awful to me. But yeah, gee, sorry I’m not at my absolute best when I’m having to listen to high-pitched whining that we’re just supposed to put up with (and that hopefully our neighbors can’t hear), and when I’ve had to sit through you absolutely bitching about pretty much every aspect of every show I’ve tried to watch not just since yesterday but since literally forever, including talking loudly through a show I was trying to watch and then everyone getting all bent out of shape that I left the room apparently not realizing that I left because I couldn’t fucking hear half the show even though I even pointed out I was trying to watch it?

And gee you think MAYBE I might also have a bit of a problem with you calling the dogs “fatso” and “tubby” when I’m the one who feeds them? You think MAYBE I might take that as a criticism? And how every fucking - EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, NOT EVEN AN EXAGGERATION - you’re here you comment about “how much stuff” we have. Even if we never used any of this stuff, you know what, you don’t fucking live here. It’s none of your business. Also I redirect to the “we’ve been storing your shit in OUR apartment for 4 years, actually longer than that because almost all your stuff was still in our place in Savannah after you moved to Seattle, thanks for helping load all of it into the moving truck OH WAIT”.

You think maybe, JUST MAYBE, having all my interests belittled and my job raising my dogs insulted every single fucking time you’re here is wearing on me just a little? And the fact that you’ve belittled my interests since I was a little kid, and you’re for some reason continuing to belittle Little Kid Me’s interests NOW, and that you (nor anyone else!) ever shows any interest in me, shares a kind word or a piece of concern when I yell “OW!” from somewhere else, interacts with me at all with any tone other than apathy or disdain, might MAYBE be wearing on me JUST A LITTLE? 

And maybe the fact that every single time I’ve ever tried to actually gets words out expressing my feelings about this, I get dismissed as just flatout being wrong? But then mom gets angry when I don’t say what’s wrong? So I can either say nothing and people get angry, or I can say what’s on my mind and just get dismissed as wrong - my feelings are incorrect. It’s stupid to be upset when my mom introduces my sister as “the artist in the family” when I’m an artist too, or to get upset that SO MANY THINGS I’ve seen that I’ve said “Wow, this is cool!” became a gift for my sister - including a reindeer ornament even though I have a collection of reindeer and she doesn’t collect anything and is always talking about “getting rid of stuff”?? - or that she just sits there and snarks through stuff I’m trying to watch - when she’s a guest here.

Yeah. My feelings are incorrect and there’s no reason I should ever be in a bad mood. I’m the awful one. As I sit here with my toe that’s still throbbing after more than an hour, having been criticized, belittled, insulted, and ignored numerous times just in the last 28 hours, and constantly every other time. Hey you know when the last time I’ve criticized, belittled, insulted, and ignored either of you or something you like right to your face? Never. So, yeah. What a horrible person I am. How dare I. Now go back to talking about how awful I am in between talking about how much you know about my condition and shit while never applying any of your knowledge to me or even asking me about it. Just treat me like I’m so bratty teenage girl with no neurological impairment. That’s worked great so far, thanks. 

And I know nobody cares, I just wanted to vent. Sorry.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and I finally just won’t wake up tomorrow. I’m just really tired of this shit, and nobody listening to me, and all this... this shit. I’m so tired. 

[mbtizone]

Shane Harvey (Faking It): ENFJ

Dominant Extroverted Feeling [Fe]: Shane is keenly aware of the emotions of those in his orbit. He tends to meddle in the affairs of his friends and is good at understanding other people’s feelings. He often knows what his friends are feeling before they know. The reason Liam can’t bring himself to call Karma his girlfriend is because of the guilt he feels for sleeping with Amy, though Liam insists that it’s due to his fear of commitment. Shane can often be affirming, and will congratulate even those he dislikes if he feels they’ve excelled at something. He’s able to empathize with his enemies and is often driven to help his adversaries in their times of need. Shane frequently encourages people to talk about their feelings. He doesn’t hesitate to express his own feelings, so he admonishes people when they choose to bottle up their emotions instead of just letting it all out. He enjoys hearing about other people’s problems and wants to help them, though he can become a bit controlling at times, believing he knows what’s best for his friends and significant others. Liam needs to talk, not go to a MMA class! Shane is appalled that Duke chooses to be a spokesman for a corporation that donates money to anti-gay organizations and demands that he stop eating that “homophobic sandwich.” He often believes he knows what other people need and tries to convince them to handle things in the way that he sees fit. When Shane wants to take Lauren down, he recruits Leila and Lisbeth to give him dirt on her and manipulates them into spilling Lauren’s secrets by being kind to them, which gets the girls to open up about the pills Lauren takes.

Auxiliary Introverted Intuition [Ni]: It’s very rare for Shane to just be. He always has a goal he’s working toward or a vision that he’s trying to turn into a reality. When the school hires a new principal with conservative views, Shane’s immediate response is to spring into action, telling Liam that they need to put their heads together to come up with a way to stop him. Shane is very good at coming to accurate conclusions with little to no prior information. He correctly assumes that Lauren is in the art room hoping to run into Theo. Shane is extremely metaphorical, which he often incorporates into his sense of humor. He has a tendency to be incredibly manipulate and usually knows exactly how to play someone in order to achieve his desired outcome. He often masterminds situations to get exactly what he needs from people. Shane scares Karma by telling her that “lesbians move fast, and they are viciously territorial” and once he has her where he wants her, he casually suggests that Karma show up on Amy’s date with Reagan in order to avoid getting pushed out (which is an elaborate ruse to create a “group hang” so he can invite Duke, who cannot go on a one-on-one date with Shane due to his refusal to come out of the closet). Shane often believes he knows how events will unfold. The student body will turn on Lauren. She only won the election by playing the intersex card, but once they realize how drastic her “radical agenda” is, they’ll all turn on her. Shane is future-oriented and focused on how things could be. He doesn’t care about tradition. He prefers to think about how things can be changed for the better (though the motivation for his plans are typically selfish and his idea of “better” is often about how things can improve for himself). Shane often comes up with creative (sometimes symbolic) ways to bring about whatever change he is striving for. “If Principal Turner wants to strip us of our rights, then maybe we should strip to protect them. Naked protest!”

Tertiary Extroverted Sensing [Se]: While Shane is definitely a planner who often takes the future into account, he has an impulsive streak and often takes action in the heat of the moment that gets him into trouble later. Sometimes, he has a tendency to loop, ignoring his auxiliary function. Shane feels something and acts without thinking of the potential ramifications. He anonymously outs Duke for selfish reasons (he’s tired of having to hide their relationship and he wants to get back at him by ruining his life), without pausing to think about how Duke will react if he discovers the truth. Shane can easily allow himself to live in the moment and is comfortable with doing things just because they’re fun (such as participating in Lauren’s revenge plot). Shane cares very much about physical beauty and enjoys sensory experiences, whether they be drinking, singing, parties, or sex, and enjoys his popularity and status at Hester High.

Inferior Introverted Thinking [Ti]: Sometimes, Shane is able to quickly and easily spot flaws in logic, which he often points out, most often utilized in his sense of humor. When Liam convinces himself that Jackson Lee has taken an interest in him because he’s Liam’s birth father, Liam falls victim to confirmation bias after he spots Jackson in a photo with his mother. However, Shane points out that he’s been in “plenty of pictures with people he hasn’t impregnated.” Shane often spots loopholes that allow him to get his way. Karma refuses to crash Amy’s date because she had said it was too soon for double dates, so Shane says he’ll bring Duke, which makes it a group hang and not technically a double date. Amy never said anything about group hangs! Shane is quick to point out that none of Lauren’s plans for revenge against Theo are practical. “I mean, arsenic poisoning could take weeks.” He doesn’t understand why she doesn’t just out him as a narc if she wants to get back at him so badly. He’s able to break things down into simple terms that are easy for anybody to understand. Shane tends to lead with his emotions and can sometimes struggle to detach from them, which often leads him to make impulsive decisions based on the way he feels in the moment.

Note: I’ve seen Shane typed as both ESTP and ESFP. While he does have all of the functions for ESTP, I don’t believe he leads with Se. He always has a plan, he’s a natural at organizing the people around him to achieve a common goal, and his Ni is far too developed to be inferior. Shane fights for what he believes in and is nearly always on a mission to fight injustice or achieve change that aligns with his personalized vision of the way things should be. He also definitely favors Fe/Ti over Fi/Te. Shane always wants to talk about his feelings and gets others to open up about theirs, has a tendency to be emotionally manipulative, and is extremely aware of everybody else’s feelings all the time.

Enneagram: 3w2 7w6 8w7 So/Sx

Quotes:

Karma: If you’ve come to kick me while I’m down, just please don’t. Shane: I came to say I admired your honesty earlier. I wouldn’t be surprised if you win. Seriously, I’m not playing mind games. Karma: So what, are we friends now? Shane: I wouldn’t go that far. But I do have empathy for you and your situation.

Shane: Quit taking it out on these innocent art supplies. Liam: Shane, really, I don’t want to talk about it. Shane: That’s just your straight guy resistance to talking about your feelings. Push through it. Theo: What are y’all on about? Shane: It’s Karma’s birthday, and Liam can’t be with her for reasons too complicated and fucked up to specify. Theo: Wanna go hit stuff? Always makes me feel better. I’m taking this mixed martial arts class downtown. Shane: Nice try, Theo, but what Liam needs is to talk it all out over some grilled cheeses at Millie’s Diner. Theo: What is this, The View? Liam: Shane, I’m sorry, but that class is just what the doctor ordered. Shane: You’re not the doctor. You’re the patient. You can’t prescribe your own medicine. Theo: Wow, you really think you know what’s best for everybody, don’t you? Shane: It’s a gift. Liam: We’ll talk it out later, I promise. But right now, I just want to punch someone in the face without getting arrested. You wanna come? Shane: I’ll pass. It all sounds a bit too aggressively heterosexual for me.

Shane: Have to say, not so sure if this whole “giving Amy space” plan is the right move. Karma: What do you mean? Shane: I mean that while you’re off giving her space. Reagan could be burrowing herself deeper into Amy’s love nest. Lesbians move fast, and they are viciously territorial. Karma: Amy would never date anyone like that. Are you messing with me? Shane: Fine, if you think being a former fake lesbian makes you an expert on the gay community, go ahead, take your chances. Or you could coincidentally show up on their date Saturday and show Reagan that when it comes to Amy, you are the free gift with purchase. Karma: I don’t know. Amy says it’s too soon for double dates. Shane: I’ll tell you what. My trainer and I will come along too. Then it’s a group hang. Amy didn’t say anything about group hangs, did she? Karma: Technically, no.

Duke’s Father: Oh! All right, let’s see that killer smile. Bring the chicken burger closer to you. There we go. Shane: Don’t! I can’t stand here and watch you do this. Cluck-n-Go is a horrible corporation that has fired gay employees and given millions of dollars to anti-gay causes. Duke’s Father: They also give money to M.M.A. fighters, so less talkin’, more eatin’. Shane: Look, if you don’t want to be a role model, I get it, but it’s on a whole other level to be the spokesman of a company that’s actively working against our rights. Duke’s Father: Son, we’re not selling politics. We’re selling chicken. Eat the damn sandwich. Shane: Don’t eat that homophobic sandwich. I hope you don’t choke on it. I know you have a tricky gag reflex.

Shane: We got to stop this guy. Let’s meet after school and come up with a plan. Liam: Uh, I can’t today. I’ve got to go to the dentist. Shane: This is important. I heard he turned the art studio into a storage room. Liam: And I’m really upset about it. But he books up weeks in advance.

Lauren: Just click here to accept the terms and conditions. Shane: If you don’t mind, I’d prefer to read them first. What? Have any of guys read this? This is longer than my grandma’s Christmas letter. They want us to play by their rules. But Hester High has always been about breaking the rules. We question tradition. We trust each other. We stand up for the little guy. Can I get an amen, Brenda?

Shane: Fellow students, if Principal Turner wants to strip us of our rights, then maybe we should strip to protect them. Naked protest! Naked protest! Naked protest! Naked protest! Naked protest!

Lauren: Hello, Amy. Shane. I think it would be best for everyone involved if you two leave and we never speak of this again. Amy: No, we need to talk about this. Shane: Yeah, we really need to, because this is all wrong. None of these revenge scenarios are practical. I mean, arsenic poisoning could take weeks. What are you doing? If you want to get back at Theo, why don’t you just go to his new school and out him as a narc? Lauren: Outing people – that’s your solution to everything, isn’t it? It’s too simple and totally obvious.

Shane: Grr! Young Jackson Lee was cute. Liam: And that’s Robin in the same picture. That’s proof! Shane, he’s my dad! Shane: I don’t know. I’ve been in plenty of pictures with people I haven’t impregnated.

Shane Harvey (Faking It): ENFJ was originally published on MBTI Zone

[samewritingstuff]

The horror at Mykonos super rough copy

I am Joel Vincent a private investigator in Calgary Alberta it was a quite boring job all the jobs were usually tracking down teens who ran away from home or ex lovers it was a simple job really most kids would run away to their friends or boyfriend/girlfriend homes or the regular drug dens, ex lover's really required a simple google search maybe some interviews with family. Today is a monday the weather was nice but it really is just a regular day by no stretch of the imagination. I honestly hate these days, the type of days where you notice your office. My office in question is incredibly dull the wall is a basic brown wall, and one window with white as snow shutters with only my degree in law from the University of Alberta, the desk I have was one of those generic ikea brown desk with only one drawer which I only used for pen storage, my chair is a black office chair with wheels and I really think it was made by God himself to be the most uncomfortable thing imaginable I always promise myself to get rid of it but I never do. The chairs facing my desk were like the chairs on school desks but actually comfortable and black. My file drawer is an incredibly cheap one with no decorations or anything on it, it is really just storage for my personal items. Bored I look out my window shutters the white with the combination of the sun basically burned my eyes a ton but I see a lady walking to my building she was beautiful with striking blonde hair and a red sundress and hat even though it is the typical attire for the summer she just stood out in the crowd. I get my desk ready and prepare for a new customer and pull out my notebook from my file drawer.

 When the woman came into my office she is clearly trying to hide how rattled and terrified she is but doing a terrible job at it. Before I could say anything to her she took a seat in the seat farthest away from the window. She says in a very quick voice “I really need your help” I reply “well that is what I do, now what do you need help with? Finding your ex? Lost son or daughter?”. She looks at me like I just insulted her mother and she angrily blurted “No! You need to look at Mykonos. Report on it, to help the people their” I reply “report on it? I am not a reporter I don’t do this stuff” she visibly gets frustrated and says “People will die”. My interest must have instantly shown and she clearly saw it, she cheered up a bit and pulled out a map. She had a park circled by a city called Cold Lake she pointed to the middle of the park but Mykonos was not marked out I point out “Mykonos why is it not marked” this out she replies “there's a reason why”.  I asks her “How much do you want me to investigate this town?” she gave me a one hundred dollar bill and left even though I take way more for my job but I really don’t care I am very curious about the town. When I knew she was gone I quickly go to my file drawer to grab my camera, flashlight, and the keys to my car. I grab the notebook off my desk and make my way to my car outside grab my brown coat from the back seat and drive off to Mykonos.

 I drop by the local shell to refill on gas and maybe get a snack. The shell station was clearly never improved since it was first built it was a brick building with generic car wash and snack signs. I fill up on gas and make my way to pay when I enter I see a young man couldn't be older than nineteen he had brown hair and sharp green eyes. I wave by hundred dollars to him and say my pump number. He asks me while opening the register “you look like one of those old detectives from like the fifties, where are you going?” I answer “Mykonos” he pauses for a second and asks “Mykonos?” I reply “Yah”. He turns to me and questions “Why would you go to that hick town” I answer “I was paid too” he says to me “I really recommend you to take the money and run. People say that town is full of cultists who peel off their skins. Everyone who went into that town never came out or were horribly scarred and kept saying ‘I got tomorrow coming’”. He could see the interest on my face and he looked frustrated and said “if you're the next victim don't say I did not warn you about the town” he put down forty dollars on the counter and went back to work. I left the shell station and got to my car and drive off to Mykonos.

 As I keep driving to the place the sky gets darker even though it was only one am but the trees had shadow even though the sun didn’t seem to be out at al. When I get near the place marked on my map the road gets slowly more worse and tight to the point where I had to get out of my car and walk. As I get out of my car the trees above me seem to grow and curve around me like a church building. I grab my camera, notebook, and flashlight and put on my coat and move along the path. The path gets tighter and tighter as a walk though but oddly the trees had no branches or debris blocking my path. When I get out of the path and get a look at the town, it is a complete ghost town like no one has touched it in years the buildings are decrepit and falling with roofs caving into them, windows boarded up but no oddly no doors in front of the town I decide to take a picture of the town but when I look at the picture nothing showed like I put my hand in front of the lense I take another picture same result. When I had a good look at the town town again there was no more than ten houses all in a L like pattern all having the same qualities as I look at the town even more I see a on the end of the town church that I did not see before. The church looks like it has been just been made in the medieval ages it was either incredibly restored or what I think something horribly off. The layout of the town is just really a road with a small circle at the end the church facing away from the road. I make my way to the town, the concrete is weirdly new no scratches or anything.I decided to investigate one of the houses as I enter I see the sky getting even more dark than before but I still can see in front of me. When I enter the doorway I feel safe the kind of safe where you know your door is impenetrable. As I inspect the house it is completely bare but something inside of me says that it is not. As I explore more of the house all the doors in the house are gone rooms and closets are gone. When I inspect the door I see no evidence of a hinge or anything like that. I leave the house seeing that their is nothing else in there and when I exit the house I see a lonely man in the middle of the dirt road.

 I walk to the man his back is turned away from me he is muttering something I begin to walk even more closely I can hear him chanting “I got tomorrow coming”. I get dangerously close to him and I tap on his shoulder he turns around to me. His face has flesh torn out exposing bits of skull and his mouth through his cheeks smiling at the same time. He says to me “You got tomorrow coming” and points me to a church and walks away going in really no direction. I go to the church like that man said, it was gigantic full of black stone but it had no windows. As I move even more forward to the church the darkness fades a bit and the sun reveals the steeple of the church. An oddly large crow dark as tar appears on the top of the steeple just looking at me like I am prey. I take a snap of it and it erratically flies away oddly the picture only showed the crow looking at me and nothing else. I take a deep breath and make my way to the huge church doors

 I open the big wooden doors in front of me at the end of the church there is a sensation of light like entering the gates of heaven when I can finally I see a big cross with jesus covered in black feathers feathers overlooking a bright blue stand with a giant black feather in front of it. I look around the church see many people in brown church pews all looking forward chanting “I got tomorrow coming” I dropped my camera by mistake and they all look back at me. Their flesh of their faces are torn off the ones at the back only have little chunks but as I move forward in the rows the faces become more and torn off eventually at the front row their is muscles of their faces. As I move on to the stand one of the people with their face being heavily ripped off really only being a skull said to me “the prophet comes soon. Stand wait a while” I do what he says. Immediately after that comment a man comes out of the side of the church he is in black robes with a bright blue feather insignia on it in the middle his face covered in darkness with a hood. He stands at the stand and he takes off his hood revealing a bright blue feathered human like face exposing the hawk like green eyes, he raises revealing his hands his nails are talon like and he slams his hands down on the stand puncturing. He starts to speak in a deep voice “Brothers, sisters, and our guest we celebrate the halfway point to the dark moon” he takes a break “you all know the significance of the dark moon but our guest here does not”. He takes a long break remembering something “The dark moon ten years ago shed a tear to the Bird God it gave him the power to control the darkness but the moon wanted the tear back but he refused. The moon decided to plunge Mykonos for three days, The bird god he decided to fight for us, fight the moon, and bring back the light!”. He pauses for a second “He grabbed a crow and made it gigantic and flew it to the moon!”. A tear drops from the corner his eye “He gave us the light back but as a cost of his life when he came back on the earth his face was torn off but with a big black feather from his great crow covering him. He told us that a man would come seven days before a dark moon. A man with great will would join us to recover him. He also said to not harm his flock”. He looks to the ground ashamed and he yelled out “We did not listen to his word although! Instead we killed his great creatures sacrificing them in the hope he would come back and not waiting. He punished us rightfully so plunging our town into this darkness”. He starts looking at me “but our guest he must be the one. The one who can help us stop the darkness and we can finally stop waiting for tomorrow, a tomorrow full of life”. All the people surrounding stands up and turns around not taking any chances I run and I hear the man yell “Get him, so we can stop waiting for tomorrow and start living today!” and I see all of them orderly walk out of the church.

 It was extremely dark and I can barely see anything in front of me so I ran straight ahead. I end up in front of one of the houses barely making out the caved in roof knowing that it would make no real hiding place so I move to the left trying to find a suitable house to hide out in. The house I found was decrepit but the roof was not caved in as I enter I hear a couple voices saying “Get him before he gets into that house!”. I run into the house and I see two lightly scarred males in behind me no hair or anything looking identical of each other. One of them says “Where did he go?” the other one replies “In their” the other one replies “But I can’t see him at all” the other one moves his head guiding him somewhere. I quickly run into the room and enter the closet. When I enter the closet I had a sudden feeling of hope and safety but as quickly as that feeling came I see the priest and three of the heavily scarred followers one male two female. The priest angrily says “Where did he go! Did you lose him!” the man replies “No your holiness two said he entered here” he looks at him and laughs a bit and said “He is here somewhere. After all birds who fly away from the flock always come back” and then he laughs and leaves.

 After what must have been hours of me to afraid to leave the apparent safety I see a talon holding the door frame to the room. As I see it I cover my mouth stopping my scream of terror as the figure comes out. I see its beak first it is like one of a woodpecker but instead of being just a regular beak it was filled with human teeth and it looks like it is smiling. The eyes were next they were pure white they produced a light that was like one of a lighthouse and they were were clearly looking around for me. Then it fully revealed its body and it feathers were like a rainbow having blue, red, yellow, green, and purple in a beautiful display of life but it was not a display of life at a same time. It was about seven feet tall the talons had to be at least ten inches it examined the rooms then it focused its attention to the closet it went dangerously close to me it opened it’s mouth and started laughing like a maniac and it said in a squawking voice “you should leave and you dropped your camera” he started laughing so hard it turned into the sounds of the depths of hell. He reached out in his coat of feathers and pulled out my camera still laughing. It stopped laughing and focused his dead bright white eyes on me and said to me “You got your tomorrow coming” and left. I left the closet  the thing just staring at me as I left the house with those dead eyes seeming to be watching me. I ran outside but their was no one their. I get to my car driving off when I looked back I saw those dead white eyes watching me again

  ENDING

[mammawolff]

I'm going to apologize now for what might turn into a long post, as I can't remember how to do a read more on mobile. So. It's once again Bell Let's Talk day. Now I realize that maybe, last year I was in a better position mentally, financially, and healthier than I am right now. But, that's the thing about mental illness. It's a daily battle. So. Let's talk. I don't think I've ever actually told anyone my full story. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety when I was eight. This was a very poor time in my life. I was in the office of my school every day, for one reason or another. Funny thing about schools. They all claim to be against bullying, but they only notice the physical aspect. A rotund child defending herself against verbal attacks? Clearly she's the bully. Unfortunately, I grew accustomed to being anxious around figures of authority because of these childhood encounters. I'd stop trying to defend my actions to these adults who weren't listening, and instead clam up and cry. And clearly, crying means I feel guilty and therefore I'm the attacker. Yeah. My school was pretty fucky. Add onto that it's small town, uni-religious, and fairly cult-ish in their actions. My family, having just moved there with no family established, got the brunt end of a lot of attacks. Weird ass elitism at its finest. Anyways. During this time my home life was pretty shit, too. My parents divorced when I was four, and we moved to this town two days before my fifth birthday. My mum was determined to cut our father out of our lives, so we didn't actually get to see him until I was 6, almost 7. Also pretty fucky. My mum wasn't the greatest mother around. Yes, she put a roof over our heads and fed us, but she was very quick to attack us verbally & physically, and if she thought we were lying about something she'd beat us til we told her what she wanted to hear. So, my dad became somewhat of a god in my eyes. Guardian angel, shelter from the storm, something unattainable for a very long time(to 5, 6, 7 year old me. A year and a half ish is a very long time for a kid). Eventually, he was able to take us every weekend. He bounced from house to house, job to job, but he provided what little child support he could spare and he always made sure to have a house with at least two bedrooms, so we'd always have a place. I tried so often to tell him what the combination of mum & school were doing to my tiny brain and body, but I never had any idea what abuse was, as a definition. I was terrified what mum might do if she found out I tattled. She'd already kept us all away from dad for so long, how long could she do that again? So I stayed silent. When I was 8, I met with my school's guidance counsellor. I had only a handful of friends who weren't terrified of me(I grew tall and wide pretty fast), my grades were shit(even for elementary school), and I was always late. Not to mention those daily visits to the principal's office. He's the one who prompted mum to take me in, see if all this stress had caused something to fuck up in my brain. Spoiler alert; it did. So, I was put on Anti-D medication. Anti-A's didn't come into play until later. Unfortunately, my body apparently absorbed and adjusts to new medication very, very quickly. By the time I was 10 I was taking handfuls of pills morning, noon, and night, just to maintain this facade of normalcy. Unfortunately, the bullying and abuse was continuing. My grades didn't superbly improve, my school behaviour issues barely subsided. But, the pills continued. I couldn't even tell you what they were or what they did. Mum took care of all that. But, I can tell you one thing, my short term memory problems started when the drugs did. I know it's too late for me now, but man I'm still kinda pissed at past me for not speaking up. Grade five was a shift for me. Negatively. I had a highly abusive teacher, bullying was at an all-time high and three of my friends deemed me too weird/sketchy/uncool to play with any more. My dad had to move into a townhouse and out of the farmhouses he'd been occupying for years. He had to get rid of the dog(Sonia) who'd been my best friend for well over a year. Soon after, we had to get rid of Queen(cookie), a dog we'd gotten from my friend's dog's second litter. I couldn't go riding any more(we kept my dad's landlord's horses and cows on the property), and I could no longer help on the farm. My weekend salvation was at an end. About the only freedom I had left was if dad took me flying. I made him take me up for hours, some weekends. I remember bawling on my morning walks to school with my friends, because I hated my life so much. My mum made the doctor ease up my prescriptions(a good thing, honestly), but she didn't ease up the abuse. Neither did my teacher, or the bullies, and I no longer had my beloved animals to keep me sane. I mean, we had Taffy, but she was always Brad's dog. One morning there was a speeding car who I knew couldn't see us down the road. I think my friends knew exactly what I was thinking because they stopped and just hugged me until the car passed us. I was 11 and suicidal. To help me transition off the farm, dad bought me riding lessons from a local Parelli instructor. These helped. I finally had some sort of release again, and best of all I could ride throughout the week, not just the weekends. These ended too. My instructor's lease of the land eventually ran out, and an oil company came in and bought the land. I was 13 when this happened. Still being forced to take drugs, and go to a psychiatrist (who broke client confidentiality so I stopped going and mum stopped paying). When I was 12 I found Wicca, and started turning away from the Church I'd been raised and baptised into. By the time I was 15 I'd fully turned away but still went, to appease my dad. Anyways. I started riding with another instructor and when I was 15 suffered a very traumatic fall, that screwed me up mentally, and I couldn't bring myself to get back on a horse until just last year when I was 20. Amazing what happens when your hormone levels mostly balance out eh? I was still kind of suicidal throughout all of this. Nothing that I would act on, but I kept thinking, "if I were to die, it wouldn't be so bad." I moved in with my dad when I was 15. I was sick of mum's bullshit, we fought violently every day. She'd already kicked my favourite brother out of the house, my sister was almost as bad as she was(she's 9 years older than me and to this day acts like I'm still 10 years old. We've never been close). A plethora of reasons. Mostly being, I was tired of her verbal and mental attacks. The physical stuff mostly ended once I hit 5'7". Definitely didn't happen after I was 5'10". I moved in with dad, quit my prescriptions, came out to him as pagan, then promptly fell in line and went back to church(which I'd quit at mum's) in order to protect myself. He would kick me out if I so much as lit a candle. So, I practiced in secret. My gods were(and are) very understanding and very supportive. Dad's God did not want me in His church, but tolerated me. This was pretty dark time. Me moving in with dad dredged up more custody battle bullshit. But, my relationship with my mum started to get better, sort of. I'm 21 now and we're only just on good speaking terms for more than 48 hours at a time. Then I got Angel. She was pretty much perfect as a puppy. House training was kind of difficult, she proved herself a friggen genius with the turkey incident, but she was mine. She knows exactly what I want, how I'm feeling, what I'm going to ask of her. She's perfect. (Cherub's a rotten little shit but she's still just a puppy and I haven't found the right job for her just yet.) Then, four of my newfound friends died. Car accident. I know I've recounted this story many times so I'll spare the details. But this threw me into a massive identity crisis. They didn't know the real me before they died. Danae looked up to me as a role model, and she didn't know I wasn't Mormon. I was pagan. I had to tell everyone. That Christmas (time ish), I came out of the broom closet again. Only this time to everyone. My "Mormon Moms," as I called them, insisted I was still me and they still loved me. The less accepting wanted to ban me from the graveyard. I still get hassled from their families, if they see me going down. But, a certain member of the community stood up for me. I'll be grateful to him forever. My dad was confused and hurt, but so long as I kept going to church he'd let me stay. Mum still insists it's a phase. I started going back to my hometown for school (only ten minutes away), and connected with my friends again. Then my paternal grandpa died. I never got the chance to say goodbye. Not even a funeral. He visited me, and my aunt and my cousin, but that still hit me extra hard, as it wasn't even 10 days after the 1 year anniversary of the accident. I started to slip again, fast. Dad got a job out east and had left me to move the rest of our things into storage, and I moved back in with mum. This is when I discovered I get severe depression when I have to move. Yay. I discovered my car's engine will cut out once I get to 198km. There is a stretch of road between the two towns that is very long, and very straight, with a sudden swerve to the right and a very steep drop in the road into a gulley. I convinced myself if I could get to 200km before that swerve, I would let my car fly off the cliff. I watched the needle drop closer to the speedometer's limit, noting exactly when the engine cut. I tapped the brakes, and got my car under control before the turn. Cursed myself for being a chicken, then for being so stupid. Angel needed me, if no one else. Half-assed suicide attempt no. 2. School sucked, but for some odd reason my childhood bullies apologized to me and tried to make amends. I accepted and we moved on. Mostly. I guess. Throughout all of this my depression was(and has been) a heavy weight on my shoulders. A darkness at the edge of my vision. Pretty much the only thing that truly lifted that lifted that was Anna. Though I had found new friends on the internet through dA and the ridgearound(love you guys), it was never really at bay. She was really, really, REALLY the only thing that brought true sunlight into my life. The day she was born I cried tears of joy, and thought she was the most perfect creature ever. I still do. She is beautiful. Graduation year brought me Anna, a boyfriend who turned out to be creepy and manipulative and abusive, and the start of my cutting addiction. I fucked up a few months ago. Before that it had been years. More fights with mum. Robin Williams passed and I lost hope for a few months. That was not a good time. He was always a role model to me, because even as a kid I knew what battles he was going through. He made me laugh when no one else could. He showed me that even with my shitty brain, I could be successful. I could fight this. Then he killed himself. I finally moved to Ponoka. Pretended to be an adult. Got cherub. Changed jobs. Found(ed) a coven. Lost Dee, and Anna. She's alive, don't worry. But she's no longer in my life. The horses helped so, so much with my depression. I refuse(d) medication because I can manage my condition, usually. Unfortunately that job ended in part because the mental stress had brought on my depression full force, and even my boss noticed I wasn't happy. So I left and started my MT course, where I am now even broker than usual, even more stressed than usual, and even more depressed than usual. This isn't even every aspect of my depression but it's the main points. Throughout this now 11 year journey, my depression and my anxiety have been with me. They've changed and grown and forced me to change and grow as well. I often wonder how different things would have been had I not refused meds so (relatively) early on. Too late now. But, my point is, I'm still here. I'm still fighting. My survival tactics have changed. When I was 11, what stopped me so many times was "tomorrow is another day" and "what will tomorrow bring?" Now, it's just sheer stubbornness. I'm going to finish my MT, I'm going to get out of debt and I'm going to flee into the middle of the prairies with my dogs and my reptiles and get myself a horse and a plane and I will never step foot in a city again. Just watch me. It doesn't get better. That slogan has never rang true with me. It just changes. You change, and your illness changes as well. But I guess, in some ways, it does get easier. You force yourself to see in colour, to take the bad in every situation and go "at least it isn't _____." And every now and again, you look back at your eight year old self and allow her to cry, because sometimes you need to.

[samuelfields]

KonMari Your Lifestyle And Finances: Marie Kondo Will Save You Time And Money

If you’ve ever been curious about what Sam’s wife Sydney is like, well you’re about to get a peek into her, oops I mean my, personality and – gasp! – my drawers.

I’m a lighthearted, patient (most days), happy homebody who has to know where everything is in the house and on my computer. But staying organized can be really hard, especially with a toddler in the house, and if you’re going at it wrong.

The exciting news is there’s a refreshing new way to organize known as KonMari. I’m sure some of you have heard about it or are already addicted to it like me.

Since I’m also a personal finance fan, I’m going to share why it’s beneficial to KonMari your lifestyle and finances.

The Six Rules Of The KonMari Method

Before I reveal my own recent adventure in organizing, I’ll give you the rundown on KonMari.

What is it? KonMari is a method of organization created by Marie Kondo, a Japanese organizing consultant and author who has a new hit show on Netflix, Tidying Up With Marie Kondo.

I stopped watching reality TV shows seven years ago, but had to make an exception for this show. It’s addicting in a good way and has inspired me to make some refreshing changes.

The organizer in me that’s been away on leave ever since we had a baby has re-emerged thanks to this show. I had so much fun watching all of season 1 that I admittedly started watching it over again.

I also really enjoy Marie’s personality and mannerisms. I’ve traveled to Japan over a dozen times or so to visit family and friends, and the aura Marie gives off reminds me of my second “home.”

The way she speaks Japanese is very eloquent, polite, and respectful – something we could use more of in American language and culture imo.

KonMari isn’t just about tidying up one’s house either. It’s a lifestyle improvement technique built upon six key rules.

Rule 1: Commit yourself to tidying up. Without a sincere commitment to getting organized, you’ll either never get started, quit too soon, or only stay organized temporarily. Identify why you want to get organized and hold yourself accountable.

Some example reasons from the show include a couple moving into a new home together for the first time, a family wanting to get their house in order before committing to having a third child, and a widow looking to start a new chapter after her spouse passed away.

Rule 2: Imagine your ideal lifestyle. A clear vision of the results you want is a crucial motivator. I love how Marie takes a few minutes to greet each home she visits. She encourages each family to sit with her and silently talk to their house, as if in prayer.

Have you ever taken a few minutes to thank your house for protecting you and for all the memories you’ve had there? Envision the changes you want and take a moment to give thanks.

Sam and I spend so much time in our house every day working and as full-time parents with our son. We owe so much to our home – thank you dear house!

Rule 3: Finish discarding first. The meaning of this rule is to move forward with purpose. If you clean up your house’s visible areas by just stuffing everything into closets or storage, that isn’t truly effective.

Why? Without going through your items one by one and only keeping the things that you truly want in your future, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be able to stay organized. Things will inevitably get chaotic again.

Discard items first, then work on properly arranging and storing the remaining things you wish to keep.

Rule 4: Tidy by category, not by location. Traditional organizing is typically done room by room, one closet at a time, one drawer at a time. I’ve always decluttered and organized this way.

The KonMari method, however, is all about tidying by category (ex. clothes, books). The benefit of this approach is seeing just how much you have of each category all at once. Gather each category from all the nooks and crannies in your house and put everything in one big pile.

This shock factor can be quite a big wake up call, especially if you’ve developed a habit of scattering things around. If you love clothes, you might have a dresser and closet full in your bedroom, the guest bedroom, the basement, garage, etc. Making one big mountain of clothes shocks you to how much you actually have and probably don’t need.

The downside of decluttering by category is things will get super messy before they get better. Call it temporary increased chaos, but it’s worth it.

Rule 5: Follow the right order. Marie recommends tackling your tidiness goals in a specific order: clothes, books, papers, komono (miscellaneous items) and lastly, sentimental items.

Clothes tend to be the easiest to go through for most people, sentimental items the hardest. Tackling categories from least to most emotional creates momentum and a higher chance of completion.

Rule 6: Ask yourself if it sparks joy. This is my favorite rule. It’s made a huge difference in my ability to let go of things, clothes especially.

How do you know if something sparks joy? Sift through your pile of clothes and find something that you love. Hold it or put it on and capture how it makes you feel. Chances are it makes you smile and feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Next, find something you don’t want to keep and compare the difference in your emotional response. If you get stuck, you can always come back to an item later or have a maybe pile.

Additional guidelines. Marie recommends saying thank you to each item we choose to dispose. How sweet! This brings a sense of peace and gratitude to the process.

After you’ve finished discarding items in a category, store them so your items are more easily visible. This is best done using boxes of various sizes and improved folding techniques.

For example, most of us who take the time to put folded clothes in drawers do so horizontally, ie one item on top of another in a stack. But, Marie Kondo folds most items vertically! Pick up a stack of shirts and turn it 90 degrees. Voila – vertical!

To help items fit best, Marie typically recommends folding in thirds instead of in half. You can see an example of my t-shirt drawer before and after below.

Lifestyle Benefits of KonMari

Completing the KonMari process takes a lot of time, but I think it’s worth the effort. The more I practice and progress, the more I appreciate KonMari as a lifestyle improvement. Here are some of the benefits.

Have a renewed appreciation for your home

Realize how much you’ve accumulated over the years

Feel more gratitude towards your belongings

Learn to let go of items that can better serve someone else

Create more useable and open space

Less stress and frustration

Find things faster

Ways KonMari Can Help Your Finances

The KonMari method of organizing has a lot of principles that can be applied to your finances. Here’s my financial spin on the six rules.

Rule 1: Commit yourself to financial independence. Growing wealth doesn’t happen by itself. You have to be proactive if you want to become and stay financially responsible.

Rule 2: Imagine your ideal retirement. Retirement planning is too underrated in our country. Visualize what you want your retirement to look like, don’t fall for retirement myths, and make a detailed roadmap that will lead you there.

Rule 3: Get out of debt. The sooner you can get out of debt and earn more than you spend, the better. So many more opportunities open up when you’re debt free. Sam’s slogan says it perfectly: Financial Freedom, Sooner Rather Than Later.

Rule 4: Don’t forget to zoom out. Regularly look at your overall financial health using a bird’s eye view to avoid missing things. It’s fine to use multiple accounts for different purposes if you actively monitor all your assets. Keep your overall portfolio allocation in line with your risk tolerance.

Rule 5: Earn, save, then enjoy. Order matters if you want to avoid debt and financial stress. Earn your money, save/invest part of what you earn after expenses, and enjoy some or all of the rest.

Rule 6: Identify positive reasons for growing your wealth. Identify specific reasons why money matters to you and how you want to spend it in the future. The clearer your visions and goals, the more motivated you’ll feel.

More finance benefits. The KonMari method can also help you save money by curtailing unnecessary spending. Think about exactly where you would put something before you buy it. No space? Don’t buy it. Your drawers and closet space become a lot more valuable after you’ve gone through the work to get them organized.

You’ll also avoid accidentally buying something you already have. Here are two silly examples. I bought twice as much maple syrup and olive oil because I thought we were running low. The bottles I’d already purchased were buried behind a bunch of stuff.

Sam recently made a dupe goof too. He bought a new basketball last month because he thought he didn’t have one.

Low and behold when we were cleaning out the garage he found one he’d barely used collecting dust in an old laundry basket buried below some bags and our son’s old car seat.

Organizing Is Addicting

I’ve always been know as the obsessively organized one amongst my closest friends and colleagues. But when full-time parenting took over my life, my ability to stay organized went out the window.

I frequently felt frazzled and frustrated. Our house also looked like it had been turned upside down most of the time, which often drove Sam and me crazy.

But this year, I finally feel like I’m back. Our son is starting to play more independently giving me more breathing room, I’ve been able to do more part-time work late at night, and I feel happy and more balanced. Bit by bit our house is returning to order.

Prepare For Big Changes With KonMari

I’m also highly motivated to give our house a complete KonMari makeover because we’re expecting big changes on the horizon. As many of you know, we might move to a bigger house this year or relocate to Hawaii.

Even though a bigger house could easily accommodate everything we have, packing up any size house is a royal PITA and the less we have to bring, the better.

I’m also amazed at how quickly our son outgrows things especially his clothes. Since we’re keeping all of his things for a few more years just in case we have another baby, our storage space is continually diminishing.

Clearing out space is so satisfying. I highly recommend you give it a try!

Before And After Examples Of KonMari

The worst room in our house has always been the kitchen. As one of the center spaces in our house, a messy kitchen is frustrating. The three of us spend so much time in and out of the kitchen throughout the entire day, 7 days a week.

It’s the last place we want to be chaotic, yet it’s constantly getting bombarded with stuff: papers, toys, cough drops, food, delivery boxes, our son’s clothes, and other random stuff. The good news is KonMari is helping!

Here’s a before and after pic of our countertops.

The countertops went from disarray and cluttered to manageable and orderly.

Next is an after shot of one of our kitchen drawers. I forgot to take a before pic, but you can trust me that it was a disaster. I repurposed some empty iPhone boxes.

And here’s a before and after pic of my t-shirt drawer.

Even though I folded my shirts in the before pic, the difference is night and day. I like the KonMari folding technique so much better.

A Few More Tips On KonMari

Get your family on board. You’ll need each other’s support.

Don’t expect to finish in a week. It’s time-consuming but worth it.

Bend the rules a little if you need to. I won’t tell anyone.

You don’t have to become a minimalist, unless you want to.

Anticipate and push through setbacks. Everyone has them.

Stay committed for the long term so your hard work isn’t wasted.

Reuse take-out containers, shoe box lids, jewelry boxes, etc for storing items neatly in drawers.

Dislike folding? Put on spa music and approach it like meditation.

Organizing and folding are great skills for kids. Our son now eagerly asks me to help fold his socks and he’s not even 2 years old yet!

Call ahead and check for overcapacity before dropping off donations. KonMari is popular now and people are donating like crazy.

Don’t forget to grab a tax receipt when you drop off donations.

Take pictures of your before and after progress!

If you want to learn more about the KonMari method, Marie Kondo wrote these two books all about it:

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up (The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up)

Regards,

Sydney

Readers, what’s the messiest room in your house? Have you tried to KonMari your lifestyle and finances?

The post KonMari Your Lifestyle And Finances: Marie Kondo Will Save You Time And Money appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from Finance https://www.financialsamurai.com/konmari-your-lifestyle-and-finances-marie-kondo-save-time-money/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[mcjoelcain]

KonMari Your Lifestyle And Finances: Marie Kondo Will Save You Time And Money

If you’ve ever been curious about what Sam’s wife Sydney is like, well you’re about to get a peek into her, oops I mean my, personality and – gasp! – my drawers.

I’m a lighthearted, patient (most days), happy homebody who has to know where everything is in the house and on my computer. But staying organized can be really hard, especially with a toddler in the house, and if you’re going at it wrong.

The exciting news is there’s a refreshing new way to organize known as KonMari. I’m sure some of you have heard about it or are already addicted to it like me.

Since I’m also a personal finance fan, I’m going to share why it’s beneficial to KonMari your lifestyle and finances.

The Six Rules Of The KonMari Method

Before I reveal my own recent adventure in organizing, I’ll give you the rundown on KonMari.

What is it? KonMari is a method of organization created by Marie Kondo, a Japanese organizing consultant and author who has a new hit show on Netflix, Tidying Up With Marie Kondo.

I stopped watching reality TV shows seven years ago, but had to make an exception for this show. It’s addicting in a good way and has inspired me to make some refreshing changes.

The organizer in me that’s been away on leave ever since we had a baby has re-emerged thanks to this show. I had so much fun watching all of season 1 that I admittedly started watching it over again.

I also really enjoy Marie’s personality and mannerisms. I’ve traveled to Japan over a dozen times or so to visit family and friends, and the aura Marie gives off reminds me of my second “home.”

The way she speaks Japanese is very eloquent, polite, and respectful – something we could use more of in American language and culture imo.

KonMari isn’t just about tidying up one’s house either. It’s a lifestyle improvement technique built upon six key rules.

Rule 1: Commit yourself to tidying up. Without a sincere commitment to getting organized, you’ll either never get started, quit too soon, or only stay organized temporarily. Identify why you want to get organized and hold yourself accountable.

Some example reasons from the show include a couple moving into a new home together for the first time, a family wanting to get their house in order before committing to having a third child, and a widow looking to start a new chapter after her spouse passed away.

Rule 2: Imagine your ideal lifestyle. A clear vision of the results you want is a crucial motivator. I love how Marie takes a few minutes to greet each home she visits. She encourages each family to sit with her and silently talk to their house, as if in prayer.

Have you ever taken a few minutes to thank your house for protecting you and for all the memories you’ve had there? Envision the changes you want and take a moment to give thanks.

Sam and I spend so much time in our house every day working and as full-time parents with our son. We owe so much to our home – thank you dear house!

Rule 3: Finish discarding first. The meaning of this rule is to move forward with purpose. If you clean up your house’s visible areas by just stuffing everything into closets or storage, that isn’t truly effective.

Why? Without going through your items one by one and only keeping the things that you truly want in your future, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be able to stay organized. Things will inevitably get chaotic again.

Discard items first, then work on properly arranging and storing the remaining things you wish to keep.

Rule 4: Tidy by category, not by location. Traditional organizing is typically done room by room, one closet at a time, one drawer at a time. I’ve always decluttered and organized this way.

The KonMari method, however, is all about tidying by category (ex. clothes, books). The benefit of this approach is seeing just how much you have of each category all at once. Gather each category from all the nooks and crannies in your house and put everything in one big pile.

This shock factor can be quite a big wake up call, especially if you’ve developed a habit of scattering things around. If you love clothes, you might have a dresser and closet full in your bedroom, the guest bedroom, the basement, garage, etc. Making one big mountain of clothes shocks you to how much you actually have and probably don’t need.

The downside of decluttering by category is things will get super messy before they get better. Call it temporary increased chaos, but it’s worth it.

Rule 5: Follow the right order. Marie recommends tackling your tidiness goals in a specific order: clothes, books, papers, komono (miscellaneous items) and lastly, sentimental items.

Clothes tend to be the easiest to go through for most people, sentimental items the hardest. Tackling categories from least to most emotional creates momentum and a higher chance of completion.

Rule 6: Ask yourself if it sparks joy. This is my favorite rule. It’s made a huge difference in my ability to let go of things, clothes especially.

How do you know if something sparks joy? Sift through your pile of clothes and find something that you love. Hold it or put it on and capture how it makes you feel. Chances are it makes you smile and feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Next, find something you don’t want to keep and compare the difference in your emotional response. If you get stuck, you can always come back to an item later or have a maybe pile.

Additional guidelines. Marie recommends saying thank you to each item we choose to dispose. How sweet! This brings a sense of peace and gratitude to the process.

After you’ve finished discarding items in a category, store them so your items are more easily visible. This is best done using boxes of various sizes and improved folding techniques.

For example, most of us who take the time to put folded clothes in drawers do so horizontally, ie one item on top of another in a stack. But, Marie Kondo folds most items vertically! Pick up a stack of shirts and turn it 90 degrees. Voila – vertical!

To help items fit best, Marie typically recommends folding in thirds instead of in half. You can see an example of my t-shirt drawer before and after below.

Lifestyle Benefits of KonMari

Completing the KonMari process takes a lot of time, but I think it’s worth the effort. The more I practice and progress, the more I appreciate KonMari as a lifestyle improvement. Here are some of the benefits.

Have a renewed appreciation for your home

Realize how much you’ve accumulated over the years

Feel more gratitude towards your belongings

Learn to let go of items that can better serve someone else

Create more useable and open space

Less stress and frustration

Find things faster

Ways KonMari Can Help Your Finances

The KonMari method of organizing has a lot of principles that can be applied to your finances. Here’s my financial spin on the six rules.

Rule 1: Commit yourself to financial independence. Growing wealth doesn’t happen by itself. You have to be proactive if you want to become and stay financially responsible.

Rule 2: Imagine your ideal retirement. Retirement planning is too underrated in our country. Visualize what you want your retirement to look like, don’t fall for retirement myths, and make a detailed roadmap that will lead you there.

Rule 3: Get out of debt. The sooner you can get out of debt and earn more than you spend, the better. So many more opportunities open up when you’re debt free. Sam’s slogan says it perfectly: Financial Freedom, Sooner Rather Than Later.

Rule 4: Don’t forget to zoom out. Regularly look at your overall financial health using a bird’s eye view to avoid missing things. It’s fine to use multiple accounts for different purposes if you actively monitor all your assets. Keep your overall portfolio allocation in line with your risk tolerance.

Rule 5: Earn, save, then enjoy. Order matters if you want to avoid debt and financial stress. Earn your money, save/invest part of what you earn after expenses, and enjoy some or all of the rest.

Rule 6: Identify positive reasons for growing your wealth. Identify specific reasons why money matters to you and how you want to spend it in the future. The clearer your visions and goals, the more motivated you’ll feel.

More finance benefits. The KonMari method can also help you save money by curtailing unnecessary spending. Think about exactly where you would put something before you buy it. No space? Don’t buy it. Your drawers and closet space become a lot more valuable after you’ve gone through the work to get them organized.

You’ll also avoid accidentally buying something you already have. Here are two silly examples. I bought twice as much maple syrup and olive oil because I thought we were running low. The bottles I’d already purchased were buried behind a bunch of stuff.

Sam recently made a dupe goof too. He bought a new basketball last month because he thought he didn’t have one.

Low and behold when we were cleaning out the garage he found one he’d barely used collecting dust in an old laundry basket buried below some bags and our son’s old car seat.

Organizing Is Addicting

I’ve always been know as the obsessively organized one amongst my closest friends and colleagues. But when full-time parenting took over my life, my ability to stay organized went out the window.

I frequently felt frazzled and frustrated. Our house also looked like it had been turned upside down most of the time, which often drove Sam and me crazy.

But this year, I finally feel like I’m back. Our son is starting to play more independently giving me more breathing room, I’ve been able to do more part-time work late at night, and I feel happy and more balanced. Bit by bit our house is returning to order.

Prepare For Big Changes With KonMari

I’m also highly motivated to give our house a complete KonMari makeover because we’re expecting big changes on the horizon. As many of you know, we might move to a bigger house this year or relocate to Hawaii.

Even though a bigger house could easily accommodate everything we have, packing up any size house is a royal PITA and the less we have to bring, the better.

I’m also amazed at how quickly our son outgrows things especially his clothes. Since we’re keeping all of his things for a few more years just in case we have another baby, our storage space is continually diminishing.

Clearing out space is so satisfying. I highly recommend you give it a try!

Before And After Examples Of KonMari

The worst room in our house has always been the kitchen. As one of the center spaces in our house, a messy kitchen is frustrating. The three of us spend so much time in and out of the kitchen throughout the entire day, 7 days a week.

It’s the last place we want to be chaotic, yet it’s constantly getting bombarded with stuff: papers, toys, cough drops, food, delivery boxes, our son’s clothes, and other random stuff. The good news is KonMari is helping!

Here’s a before and after pic of our countertops.

The countertops went from disarray and cluttered to manageable and orderly.

Next is an after shot of one of our kitchen drawers. I forgot to take a before pic, but you can trust me that it was a disaster. I repurposed some empty iPhone boxes.

And here’s a before and after pic of my t-shirt drawer.

Even though I folded my shirts in the before pic, the difference is night and day. I like the KonMari folding technique so much better.

A Few More Tips On KonMari

Get your family on board. You’ll need each other’s support.

Don’t expect to finish in a week. It’s time-consuming but worth it.

Bend the rules a little if you need to. I won’t tell anyone.

You don’t have to become a minimalist, unless you want to.

Anticipate and push through setbacks. Everyone has them.

Stay committed for the long term so your hard work isn’t wasted.

Reuse take-out containers, shoe box lids, jewelry boxes, etc for storing items neatly in drawers.

Dislike folding? Put on spa music and approach it like meditation.

Organizing and folding are great skills for kids. Our son now eagerly asks me to help fold his socks and he’s not even 2 years old yet!

Call ahead and check for overcapacity before dropping off donations. KonMari is popular now and people are donating like crazy.

Don’t forget to grab a tax receipt when you drop off donations.

Take pictures of your before and after progress!

If you want to learn more about the KonMari method, Marie Kondo wrote these two books all about it:

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up (The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up)

Regards,

Sydney

Readers, what’s the messiest room in your house? Have you tried to KonMari your lifestyle and finances?

The post KonMari Your Lifestyle And Finances: Marie Kondo Will Save You Time And Money appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from Money https://www.financialsamurai.com/konmari-your-lifestyle-and-finances-marie-kondo-save-time-money/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[ronaldmrashid]

KonMari Your Lifestyle And Finances: Marie Kondo Will Save You Time And Money

If you’ve ever been curious about what Sam’s wife Sydney is like, well you’re about to get a peek into her, oops I mean my, personality and – gasp! – my drawers.

I’m a lighthearted, patient (most days), happy homebody who has to know where everything is in the house and on my computer. But staying organized can be really hard, especially with a toddler in the house, and if you’re going at it wrong.

The exciting news is there’s a refreshing new way to organize known as KonMari. I’m sure some of you have heard about it or are already addicted to it like me.

Since I’m also a personal finance fan, I’m going to share why it’s beneficial to KonMari your lifestyle and finances.

The Six Rules Of The KonMari Method

Before I reveal my own recent adventure in organizing, I’ll give you the rundown on KonMari.

What is it? KonMari is a method of organization created by Marie Kondo, a Japanese organizing consultant and author who has a new hit show on Netflix, Tidying Up With Marie Kondo.

I stopped watching reality TV shows seven years ago, but had to make an exception for this show. It’s addicting in a good way and has inspired me to make some refreshing changes.

The organizer in me that’s been away on leave ever since we had a baby has reemerged thanks to this show. I had so much fun watching all of season 1 that I admittedly started watching it over again.

I also really enjoy Marie’s personality and mannerisms. I’ve traveled to Japan over a dozen times or so to visit family and friends, and the aura Marie gives off reminds me of my second “home.”

The way she speaks Japanese is very eloquent, polite, and respectful – something we could use more of in American language and culture imo.

KonMari isn’t just about tidying up one’s house either. It’s a lifestyle improvement technique built upon six key rules.

Rule 1: Commit yourself to tidying up. Without a sincere commitment to getting organized, you’ll either never get started, quit too soon, or only stay organized temporarily. Identify why you want to get organized and hold yourself accountable.

Some example reasons from the show include a couple moving into a new home together for the first time, a family wanting to get their house in order before committing to having a third child, and a widow looking to start a new chapter after her spouse passed away.

Rule 2: Imagine your ideal lifestyle. A clear vision of the results you want is an crucial motivator. I love how Marie takes a few minutes to greet each home she visits. She encourages each family to sit with her and silently talk to their house, as if in prayer.

Have you ever taken a few minutes to thank your house for protecting you and for all the memories you’ve had there? Envision the changes you want and take a moment to give thanks.

Sam and I spend so much time in our house every day working and as full-time parents with our son. We owe so much to our home – thank you dear house!

Rule 3: Finish discarding first. The meaning of this rule is to move forward with purpose. If you clean up your house’s visible areas by just stuffing everything into closets or storage, that isn’t truly effective.

Why? Without going through your items one by one and only keeping the things that you truly want in your future, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be able to stay organized. Things will inevitably get chaotic again.

Discard items first, then work on properly arranging and storing the remaining things you wish to keep.

Rule 4: Tidy by category, not by location. Traditional organizing is typically done room by room, one closet at a time, one drawer at a time. I’ve always decluttered and organized this way.

The KonMari method, however, is all about tidying by category (ex. clothes, books). The benefit of this approach is seeing just how much you have of each category all at once. Gather each category from all the nooks and crannies in your house and put everything in one big pile.

This shock factor can be quite a big wake up call, especially if you’ve developed a habit of scattering things around. If you love clothes, you might have a dresser and closet full in your bedroom, the guest bedroom, the basement, garage, etc. Making one big mountain of clothes shocks you to how much you actually have and probably don’t need.

The downside of decluttering by category is things will get super messy before they get better. Call it temporary increased chaos, but it’s worth it.

Rule 5: Follow the right order. Marie recommends tackling your tidiness goals in a specific order: clothes, books, papers, komono (miscellaneous items) and lastly, sentimental items.

Clothes tend to be the easiest to go through for most people, sentimental items the hardest. Tackling categories from least to most emotional creates momentum and a higher chance of completion.

Rule 6: Ask yourself if it sparks joy. This is my favorite rule. It’s made a huge difference in my ability to let go of things, clothes especially.

How do you know if something sparks joy? Sift through your pile of clothes and find something that you love. Hold it or put it on and capture how it makes you feel. Chances are it makes you smile and feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Next, find something you don’t want to keep and compare the difference in your emotional response. If you get stuck, you can always come back to an item later or have a maybe pile.

Additional guidelines. Marie recommends saying thank you to each item we choose to dispose. How sweet! This brings a sense of peace and gratitude to the process.

After you’ve finished discarding items in a category, store them so your items are more easily visible. This is best done using boxes of various sizes and improved folding techniques.

For example, most of us who take the time to put folded clothes in drawers do so horizontally, ie one item on top of another in a stack. But, Marie Kondo folds most items vertically! Pick up a stack of shirts and turn it 90 degrees. Voila – vertical!

To help items fit best, Marie typically recommends folding in thirds instead of in half. You can see an example of my t-shirt drawer before and after below.

Lifestyle Benefits of KonMari

Completing the KonMari process takes a lot of time, but I think it’s worth the effort. The more I practice and progress, the more I appreciate KonMari as a lifestyle improvement. Here are some of the benefits.

Have a renewed appreciation for your home

Realize how much you’ve accumulated over the years

Feel more gratitude towards your belongings

Learn to let go of items that can better serve someone else

Create more useable and open space

Less stress and frustration

Find things faster

Ways KonMari Can Help Your Finances

The KonMari method of organizing has a lot of principles that can be applied to your finances. Here’s my financial spin on the six rules.

Rule 1: Commit yourself to financial independence. Growing wealth doesn’t happen by itself. You have to be proactive if you want to become and stay financially responsible.

Rule 2: Imagine your ideal retirement. Retirement planning is too underrated in our country. Visualize what you want your retirement to look like, don’t fall for retirement myths, and make a detailed roadmap that will lead you there.

Rule 3: Get out of debt. The sooner you can get out of debt and earn more than you spend, the better. So many more opportunities open up when you’re debt free. Sam’s slogan says it perfectly: Financial Freedom, Sooner Rather Than Later.

Rule 4: Don’t forget to zoom out. Regularly look at your overall financial health using a bird’s eye view to avoid missing things. It’s fine to use multiple accounts for different purposes if you actively monitor all your assets. Keep your overall portfolio allocation in line with your risk tolerance.

Rule 5: Earn, save, then enjoy. Order matters if you want to avoid debt and financial stress. Earn your money, save/invest part of what you earn after expenses, and enjoy some or all of the rest.

Rule 6: Identify positive reasons for growing your wealth. Identify specific reasons why money matters to you and how you want to spend it in the future. The clearer your visions and goals, the more motivated you’ll feel.

More finance benefits. The KonMari method can also help you save money by curtailing unnecessary spending. Think about exactly where you would put something before you buy it. No space? Don’t buy it. Your drawers and closet space become a lot more valuable after you’ve gone through the work to get them organized.

You’ll also avoid accidentally buying something you already have. Here are two silly examples. I bought twice as much maple syrup and olive oil because I thought we were running low. The bottles I’d already purchased were buried behind a bunch of stuff.

Sam recently made a dupe goof too. He bought a new basketball last month because he thought he didn’t have one.

Low and behold when we were cleaning out the garage he found one he’d barely used collecting dust in an old laundry basket buried below some bags and our son’s old car seat.

Organizing Is Addicting

I’ve always been know as the obsessively organized one amongst my closest friends and colleagues. But when full-time parenting took over my life, my ability to stay organized went out the window.

I frequently felt frazzled and frustrated. Our house also looked like it had been turned upside down most of the time, which often drove Sam and me crazy.

But this year, I finally feel like I’m back. Our son is starting to play more independently giving me more breathing room, I’ve been able to do more part-time work late at night, and I feel happy and more balanced. Bit by bit our house is returning to order.

Prepare For Big Changes With KonMari

I’m also highly motivated to give our house a complete KonMari makeover because we’re expecting big changes on the horizon. As many of you know, we might move to a bigger house this year or relocate to Hawaii.

Even though a bigger house could easily accommodate everything we have, packing up any size house is a royal PITA and the less we have to bring, the better.

I’m also amazed at how quickly our son outgrows things especially his clothes. Since we’re keeping all of his things for a few more years just in case we have another baby, our storage space is continually diminishing.

Clearing out space is so satisfying. I highly recommend you give it a try!

Before And After Examples Of KonMari

The worst room in our house has always been the kitchen. As one of the center spaces in our house, a messy kitchen is frustrating. The three of us spend so much time in and out of the kitchen throughout the entire day, 7 days a week.

It’s the last place we want to be chaotic, yet it’s constantly getting bombarded with stuff: papers, toys, cough drops, food, delivery boxes, our son’s clothes, and other random stuff. The good news is KonMari is helping!

Here’s a before and after pic of our countertops.

The countertops went from disarray and cluttered to manageable and orderly.

Next is an after shot of one of our kitchen drawers. I forgot to take a before pic, but you can trust me that it was a disaster. I repurposed some empty iPhone boxes.

And here’s a before and after pic of my t-shirt drawer.

Even though I folded my shirts in the before pic, the difference is night and day. I like the KonMari folding technique so much better.

A Few More Tips On KonMari

Get your family on board. You’ll need each others support.

Don’t expect to finish in a week. It’s time consuming but worth it.

Bend the rules a little if you need to. I won’t tell anyone.

You don’t have to become a minimalist, unless you want to.

Anticipate and push through setbacks. Everyone has them.

Stay committed for the long term so your hard work isn’t wasted.

Reuse take-out containers, shoe box lids, jewelry boxes, etc for storing items neatly in drawers.

Dislike folding? Put on spa music and approach it like meditation.

Organizing and folding are great skills for kids. Our son now eagerly asks me to help fold his socks and he’s not even 2 years old yet!

Call ahead and check for overcapacity before dropping off donations. KonMari is popular now and people are donating like crazy.

Don’t forget to grab a tax receipt when you drop off donations.

Take pictures of your before and after progress!

If you want to learn more about the KonMari method, Marie Kondo wrote these two books all about it:

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up (The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up)

Regards,

Sydney

Readers, what’s the messiest room in your house? Have you tried to KonMari your lifestyle and finances?

The post KonMari Your Lifestyle And Finances: Marie Kondo Will Save You Time And Money appeared first on Financial Samurai.

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