#things are so uncertain for me im struggling a bit but. doing some art and ppl liking it reminds me why i still try and cheers me up

[cyani07]

i don't know what im doing half the time to be quite honest

[rosesanthology]

And Yet... | Akaashi Keiji x F!Reader [musician!AU]

Violinist!Akaashi x Pianist!Reader (yes i saw that one Viria fanart)

Ive been feeling extremely bad these days but im managing to write some things for my emotional support hq boys (Akaashi and Kenma) so here u go even tho its probably a lil shitty 👁3👁 its all about them la la land type of vibes

Warning : i didn't proofread this, also it's VERY self indulgent

Songs : • city of stars from La La Land (but Dodie and Jon Cozart's cover)

• any of the songs in the fic but especially Bach's violin sonata in presto IT SLAPS

[Tags] : @raevaioli

- You've always admired the way human life entertwines itself with art. The vicissitudes of a fleating existence finding a way to express themselves in external stimulations, the way someone could pour as much of their soul, as much as themselves in just one moment, one performance, one artwork.

- it is the main reason why you decided to become a pianist. The second one being that you could hardly put as much effort on anything else

- your mother would argue that it is but a mere childhood dream to do something as uncertain, sure.

- and yet, the first time your performed in front of an actual audience, even if it was just at your high school's theatre auditorium, still felt like the best

- you had registered in the student showcase program without your mother knowing, wearing not the dark blue dress you dreamed of but a hoodie, some jeans and sneakers

- in the moment it seemed fine even if you did look way underdressed than the other kids who registered for piano too

- but it all seemed to tie together with your whole personna as you sat on the stool making sure to put your tiny moomin plushie on top of the grand piano

- he helped a lot

- at that time you played Tanjirou no Uta because well....there's only so much you can expect from a high schooler who lacks confidence in their skills

- regardless of the song your fingers danced onto the heavy keys, the sound swirling with your own emotions as you tried to concentrate on the one thing you wanted the most,

- "Somebody, look at me."

- because there is such a big difference between only being seen by people and actually being looked, observed, analysed

- at the time you wanted someone to look at you and wonder if what they were feeling listening to your piece was flooding their brain the same way it flooded yours

- if the lingering sound of pressed keys made their heart and time stop in the same way it did yours so well whenever you played

- it mattered. In that moment, only that mattered, but sooner or later it had to end

- until then, the only person who was able to exactly tell the things you wanted to convey was your childhood best friend Akaashi Keiji

- he was of wealthier upbringing, his parents always so uptight and pressuring him into their perfect mold in which he seemed to fit so oddly well

- and yet, he always found time to be there for you and help you in your struggles, he was far more musically inclined than you because of his background but his eyes never lost their gentle glint as you would mess up the keys to a piece

- he'd always take his time to let you know how much he liked hearing you play even if you insisted that you weren't as good as him, his smile never wavered as he rested his chin on his palms and closed his eyes, listening to your fifth poor attempt at playing Clara Schumann's sonata in G minor

- that was your typical sunday afternoon in his living room, playing the day away intoxicated in the calmness of his scent of flowers and warm cotton

- when you finished, people didn't seem to mind the choice of the song nor the stuffed toy that added to your whole appearance, if anything you only heard encouragements, advices and heartfelt returns

- among them was Akaashi of course, ever so gentle but marking in his praise, making you feel like maybe you were worth standing on that stage

- it wasn't much compared to what the middle school kids who played Mozart got but, it gave you enough of a push to have the strength to call yourself a pianist today

- nothing really changed in your little world, you still had your moomin plush sitting on the piano everytime you performed and the same simple attitude, now you just knew your classics and could play something else than anime music even if you did manage to fit a little song once in a while

- what changed tho is that you and Akaashi had grown appart after he had left

- his parents had suddenly decided to register him in some fancy music college in Paris

- away from you

- at the time, you knew that no amount of tears and words could possibly matter in the final decision

- but it's not like you could ever control yourself when he held you in his arms like he did when he broke the news to you

- you were never that gracious at goodbyes

- but if it meant that he could get the life he deserved than you were willing to make that sacrifice, even if he wouldn't have the time to talk to you as much as before

- in the meantime you would continue to grow as a person and as an artist if not for you then for him

- and that's what you've been doing for the past four years

- and it is exactly what brought you to accept the offer to perform at another musician showcase tonight

- it was fancier than a high school show that's for sure. It was held in one of these candle lit restaurants, but not the impersonal ones where the tables are five meters away from each other

- it was one of these places where everybody seemed to know each other and relish in the warmth of sharing the same pleasant time while listening to live concerts

- after your own performance you sat back down with the other musicians, talking a bit with the pretty cellist Kiyoko Shimizu, who finished her own before yours

- when the lights dimmed and the next musician stepped on the stage your heart almost stopped

- there stood your dearly missed friend in flesh and bones, violin and bow in hand, or at least you thought so

- he started playing and you watched from the side, amazed, your heart achung with the resonance of the instrument as he gently swayed to such a hard piece as Bach's sonata No. 1 in presto

- the ground and the rest of the room seemed to dismantle around you as all you could think about was the man playing music off of your very heart strings, the man who you've known for a long time and who had been such a huge inspiration and motivation in your existence

- the man who always was so sensible and observant despite coming off as stoic to most people, the same one who was always gentle and motivating all the whilst excelling in what he did himself

- this was Akaashi Keiji.

- and right now he was playing such a fast piece with an unspoken surprising sadness to it as if he'd disappear into ashes the second he stopped, the second he relaxed

- but it eventually had to come to an end, the sound of the strings tearing you appart to reveal the most vulnerable parts of yourself to him like it always did on sunday afternoon practice

- the realization came crashing into you as he bowed to the audience and locked eyes with you, sending you a small smile before disappearing backstage

- naturally, you went after him your breath hitching and your whole being coming to a halt three meters away from him

- you had been way farther away from each other and yet, these three meters felt the worst

- he turned to you, and as casually as if he never left opened his arms for you to run into and that's just what you did

- his own heart was pounding as he caressed your hair, whispering phrases like "it's okay" or "im here now" as you sobbed into his chest

- he still smelled of wild flowers and cotton.

- "let's go catch up outside Y/N?" He said just for you to hear

- he brought you two outside on a bench overlooking the city and its lights but you couldn't help but keep your eyes on him by fear that he'd disappear again

- "w-why are you here ?" you stammered without thinking

- "why you don't want me here ?"

- "Yes- Well no- i mean yes i want you here and-"

- his laugh resonated even more than his violin if that was possible and you didn't have to wait long to feel your face heat up

- "first thing you do is laugh at me...." you said, playing with his fingers on your lap, a thing you did back then whenever he was nervous and started fiddling with his hands, even tho you were the nervous one now

- he sighed, the previous sadness from his playing as if blown away by that tiny impatient breath of air

- "i came back on my own. I missed you Y/N", he smiled again,

- "i missed you too...but what happened to your studies ? You always said you lived for music ?" you incquired, squeezing his hand maybe a little too hard in aprehention

- "i did...i did but i realized many things abroad"

- "like what ?"

- "im a little disappointed Y/N you used to be so good at guessing what i wanted to convey with my music" he said raising an eyebrow at you and laughing once more when seeing the confused look on your face

- "i may have said i lived for music yes and yet...i always knew that i live for you."

[the-shadow-of-atlantis]

Cinderella AU

Summary: Cinderella AU for Annabella and Kaldur.

Tagging: @lizartgurl @thespacebuns @melyaliz @coffee-randomness @speedypan @gobydana

A/N I created this story along with @lizartgurl a while back and I wanted to get this done before she left so sorry if it seems a bit rushed. The art also belongs to her. Thank you so much starfish for helping me through some writers block and putting up with my crazy ideas. Im going to miss you so much while you’re gone but I look forward to your return. ❤️💚❤️💚💕💕💕

Also slight cussing cause someone gets veeery upset

Read Earlier Parts Here

In the morning Kaldur set himself up at the dining table David was in the living room watching the news hoping his embarrassment hadn’t made it on there. Kaldur tried to focus on getting the strain pretreated before he tried to wash it. He reached out to grab the stain brush when he felt someone hand it to him. Looking up he saw Micheal looking at him a shy smile crossed his lips.

“Thanks.” Kaldur mumbled grabbing the brush hesitantly.

“No problem… can I um sit here?” Micheal asked.

“Sure?” Kaldur said though he sounded uncertain and he eyed the cup of coffee in Micheals hand hoping he wouldn’t cause a new stain.

Micheal seemed a bit nervous, his fingers tapped against the coffee cup as his eyes glanced toward the living room. He seemed to be debating something. Slowly Micheal slipped a small piece of paper towards Kaldur.

The paper read, I know it was you last night don't worry I won't tell dad. Kaldur blinked and looked up at Micheal but he was keeping his eyes towards where his dad was and began speaking in a whisper.

“Last night was the first time I ever spoke to anyone from the Wayne family. I’ve only heard the things that dad has said about them but when I talked to Tim and hearing Annabella give her speech, they’re actually pretty cool.” Micheal slipped another note towards Kaldur.

I can see why you like her.

“She kinda reminds me of mom… I mean your mom.” Micheal did looking down. “Wait that sounds weird. Personality wise… I mean… Annabella is very dedicated and she seems to love her family very much.”

Kaldur stared at Micheal who smiled softly but nervously.

“You know I actually don’t remember my real mom too much. But Shay… I mean Sha’lain’a she was nice, kind, determined… I’m sorry for how dad has treated you afterwards. He hates when there’s something he can’t fully control.” Micheal rubbed his arm nervously at the last line.

Kaldur opened his mouth to speak but what could he say?

“Kaldur listen there’s something I need to tell you.” Micheal said but was suddenly cut off when David turned up the volume on the TV.

“And a report on the latest Wayne Gala that was hosted by Annabella Wayne herself for her up and coming business in animal refuge. Although there was one moment where things got pretty intense the most steamy moment is when the famous Wayne daughter who usually never interacts with anyone outside the family was spotted dancing with someone tall, dark, and handsome. Who was this dashing stranger? Well it’s been confirmed from someone on the scene that it’s none other than Kaldur Durham son of Calvin and Sha’lain’a Durham. However after some tragic events Kaldur has been out of the lime light for quite some time and is currently living with his stepfather David Kane. Why Kaldur showed up to the party in such a disguise os a mystery we are all trying to solve.”

Kaldur felt as if someone dumped a bucket of cold water over him. He stayed frozen to his seat as he tried to process everything he just heard. Then David walked out and stood in the walkway giving Kaldur a very deadly look.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Glad you were able to make it given what you went through last night.” Vic said as Annabella sat across from him the booth of the little cafe diner they were at.

“Well you said it was important.” Annabella said fixing her hoodie. “What did you find?”

“You were right something was off about the general search. For someone who had such a such a big business there is hardly anything about it. So i made a few calls and dug a little deeper and found all this.” Vic spoke softly as he slid a large package towards Annabella.

Annabella carefully opened it and skimmed quickly over the lines.

“Calvin and David met while in college, however Calvin is the one who’s buisness took off. David had a small one at first but he was struggling and Calvin helped him by buying it from him and letting become his Second CFO right after his wife Sha’lain’a. Things were alright but it seems like David was taking calvins kindness for granted and began slipping funds out of the company. Calvin found out and was planning on firing David however.”

“David had Calvin killed.” Annabella whispered as she looked at the papers. “The ship sinking it wasn’t an acccident it was all a set up.”

“Exactly then David managed to sweet talk himself to marrying Sha’lain’a to help her with the company. However she began to piece what happened after some time. She was going to leave him and take the kids but then she got sick and couldn’t handle everything at once. But take a look at this.”

Vic helped her with two papers holding them side by side.

“They’re wills.” Annabella said eyeing them closely. “She was going to leave everything to Kaldur.”

“But look at the other one, the one that’s leave everything to David, the stamp and signature it’s fake.”

Annabella looked up at Vic wide eyed then something caught her attention making her heart drop. She saw Kaldurs face plastered on the tv with the headline Wayne’s Mystery Man Solved.

“Oh no.” Annabella mumbled standing up.

“What is it?” Vic asked glancing at the tv.

“Contact Gordon tell him to go to the Kane house now.” Annabella said snatching up the papers. “Something tells me Kaldur isn’t safe anymore.”

Annabella rushed out of the diner and ran to her car. She quickly weaved her way through traffic making her way to Kaldurs place. She felt her heart pounding by the time she finally reached the house and knocked frantically.

“What are you doing here?” David sneered as he opened the door.

“Where’s Kaldur?” Annabella demanded.

“He’s not here.” David said keeping the door barely open.

“Bullshit Kane where is he.” Annabella said keeping her eyes deadly trained on him as she forced her way in.

“Miss Wayne I must ask you to leave before I contact the authorities for forcing yourself in here.”

“Go ahead they’re already on their way anyways.” Annabella shrugged.

“Excuse me?”

“Kaldur!” Annabella shouted trying to get deeper into the house but David grabbed her arm roughly.

“And just what do you think you are doing?” David questioned, Annabella tugged her arm free.

“I know what you did and so do the police so if I where you I suggest you tell me where Kaldur is.”

“He’s right here.” Annabella heard someone say making her turn.

Micheal was standing there with Kaldur supporting him, Kaldurs eyes was blackened and his lip was split he seemed to be breathing a bit hard but he stood at straight as he could.

“Kaldur.” Annabella whispered quickly walking up to him and gently held his face.

“I’m fine.” He whispered then spoke a bit louder. “What did you mean by you know what he did?”

Annabella turned to face David and noticed that Adam was standing a bit behind him.

“Your dad didn’t die in an accident.” Annabella said keeping your eyes on David. “The boat sinking was caused by a bomb smuggled in one of the shipments. Not only that but your mother figured it out and wa going to take all of you away but then she got sick and couldn’t do it anymore so she at least wanted to leave the company in your hands Kaldur. Until David forged papers to say otherwise.”

“Liar.” David sneered.

“No.” Micheal spoke up. “She’s right Kaldur, dad had the papers forged. I overhear when he had them done. I was too afraid to ever say anything. I’m sorry.”

“You little bitch.” David sneered trying to lunge at Annabella but Micheal and Kaldur stood in front of her defensively.

“I may not have been able to save my parents from you but you are not going to touch her.” Kaldur said.

Their stare down was cut off when there was a hard knock at the door.

“David Kane this is the GCPD open the door.”

Annabella sighed in relief at the sound of Gordon’s voice and stepped closer to Kaldur to help Micheal with him even though he was more than capable to support him but Annabella just wanted to make sure he was okay.

They all waited outside as they watched Gordon and his men take David away.

“I don’t know what would happen if you hadn’t shown up.” Kaldur said looking down at Annabella. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Annabella smiled up at him. “So what are going to do now?”

“I am not sure. I’ll need to fix everything all the problems that David caused. But I also don’t want to give up the restaurant.” Kaldur said then he turned to look at Micheal. “You think you’d be able to handle it?”

Micheal stared at Kaldur in surprise and opened and closed his mouth. “I um… ill try my best I promise.”

“I’m here if you need my help to.” Annabella said kissing his cheek and making him blush.

“Oh I’m going to want something more than your help.” Kaldur said sheepishly.

“Oh barf.” Micheal groaned making Annabella giggled.

5 years later

Kaldur smiled as Annabella added the last of the pieces to the altar. A small cry came from one of the baby carriers and Annabella walked over to it.

“Shh shh we're done already.” Annabella cooed as she took Shaylee out of her carrier. Then another cry sounded out.

“I got her.” Kaldur said going over to the other carrier and taking Aquata out.

Kaldur smiled down as his daughter rubbed her eyes then shook her hands furiously as she tried to get the little hand covers off.

“No no don’t do that.” Kaldur said bringing her hands down. “Hey look look.”

Kaldur gently rocked her as he made her face the two graves that was now colorfully decorated. Aquata blinked as she stared at the all the candle lights and flowers. Little giggled burst from her and she reached out wanting to grab one of the pretty flowers.

“They would have loved you two.” Kaldur whispered gently leaning down to give one of the flowers to Aquata.

“They would have been proud of you.” Annabella said as she got closer to Kaldur and gave him a kiss.

Kaldur smiled as he looked down at the alters all the brightness that filled the grave stones that once brought him so much sadness. A brightness that came into his life ever since Annabella crashed into it.

“I love you.” He whispered leaning in to kiss her again.

“I love you too.” Annabella replied smiling up at him then adjusted her hold on Shaylee who was trying to reach over and grab her sisters flower.

So this was love.

[gloxinian]

ik i talked to him abt wanting to still be friends but, after thinking a lot, i’m really not comfortable still talking to somebody that was that toxic to me fr so long.  and ik posting this might not be the “classiest” thing to do but i feel like i have to get it off my chest bc otherwise a part of me is pushing to say “it wasn’t that bad” or to excuse it bc “well he apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again” even tho he kept doing these things and showed literally no signs of changing.  and i’m so tired of entering these conversations and having it lead to no change or be twisted to be about pitying him.  this isn’t really a callout or anything so i’m leaving his name out and there aren’t receipts or anything.  it might sound trivial bc i’m starting with the small stuff and working forward but idk.  i’m just tired and felt like i needed to write smth out.

im not sure the best way to word this, but i never felt like i could enjoy things or have things just fr myself.  the only way i could talk abt things was if i was criticizing them or it was smth he loved.  these are just a few things and alone each of them would just be annoying, but it all just compounded into making me feel miserable like i wasn’t allowed to love anything.

when i showed him a series that was very important to me, the first the he did was insult the art style, characters, story, etc.

when i started getting excited about pokemon swsh and the new pokemon, he immediately started mocking my favorite ones and sending me posts/articles talking abt how the game was going to be garbage, even after i asked him to stop.

when i got my first noise cancelling headphones and was excited abt how well they worked, he immediately told me that it was a good thing they were noise cancelling so i wouldn’t be able to hear him crying.

constantly glancing over my shoulder and making fun of what he saw me playing or enjoying.  new game he doesn’t play?  looks stupid/cheap/boring.  not doing great?  makes fun of me for doing poor even after i repeatedly tell him to stop.

and whenever he said something particularly upsetting like that headphones thing, he would immediately say “oh it’s an intrusive thought” or “oh it was just a joke” when i got upset and confronted him about it.  and he’d immediately turn around and make the situation about him and how i should be pitying him.

the worst examples of this come from over a year ago when i was still in college.  my depression was hitting me really hard bc i was back living at home instead of dorms, i was struggling really hard with classes, and had teachers that mocked me whenever i tried to ask questions.  i was actively suicidal during this time and had repeatedly expressed worries to friends and family that i wouldn’t be able to support myself in the future, that i was a failure, and i felt like my only option was to drop out so i would have at least some control in my life.  this was the lowest point i’d ever been.  i’m going to list a few things that happened from smallest to worst and it’s important they all happened during this time.  and he was aware this is how i was during this time.

he was friends with somebody that actively hated me.  fine, not that big of a deal bc friends don’t always get along with boyfriends.  but how this was handled was absolutely horrid.  this friend insulted me whenever i spoke, even told me i shouldn’t talk period.  he kept being friends with them and insisting we hang out more.  that friendship only ended after (1) they accused me of being a pedophile bc i felt physically sick hearing ppl talk abt loli/shota stuff.  and i was the only one who called this out for being so.  fucked up.  to call someone that for being distressed by even seeing cp terms.  he only said he’d talk to said friend after i was incredibly/vocally upset abt this. 

one night depression almost got the best of me and i stopped responding to any calls/texts/etc.  said friend got annoyed he was scared i might actually be dead.  this was the event that actually ended that friendship and honestly i’m mostly upset it took that friend literally not caring if i was dead for my boyfriend to actually give a shit how i was being treated.

he fucking.  cheated on me.  and told me how he was planning on moving in with the person he was cheating on me with “in case things didn’t work out with me”.  he knew i was suicidal over being uncertain about my future and did this, even telling me he was cheating on me BECAUSE of me being suicidal and uncertain.

the worst thing for me is that ofc he managed to make this about him.  maybe it doesn’t make sense for it to feel worse, but it does to me for some reason.  last time we even spoke about him cheating on me, he went on and on about how he hurt he was bc he felt used by the person he cheated on me with.  bc that person stopped talking to him after he told them he didn’t want to do sexual stuff anymore. 

things didn’t really get “better” or anything once i graduated.  if anything, they just got more stressful.  i was still stressed at whether i’d be able to support myself, but a bit more stable now that i had a job and a degree.  my ex moved in with the promise that he would be working to get a job so that he could support himself, grow confidence, and keep things equal.  i don’t.  have the energy to detail everything and don’t know if it’s right.  but the short of it is that i constantly had to nag him to even send out applications and he didn’t even want to go to interviews.  things got really stressful between us and it eventually came out (after i told him the relationship was unhealthy and unbalanced, that i had no desire to support him entirely as this was a source of extreme stress and a lot to ask of someone new to the work force, etc) that he expected me to fully support him financially and that was what he wanted.

he wanted me to fully support him financially, to take responsibility for improving his entire emotional maturity and recovery without taking any initiative, and to fully care for him once i got home from a full day of work (as i’ve been doing).  there was never a “what can i do for you?” or any signs/desire for positive change.  it was only “what are you going to do for me?”.  the relationship was incredibly unhealthy, unblanced, and it was clear that i wasn’t a partner but a surrogate caretaker.  and when i broke up with him, he accused me of breaking my promise to support him.

and i just.  i’m tired.  the whole relationship felt manipulative and unhealthy, looking back.  i don’t know.  maybe i’m wrong.  but i just don’t feel comfortable continuing to speak to somebody who repeatedly put me down, treated me like an expendable resource, and targeted the thing they knew i was most vulnerable about (my own independence and being able to support myself) when he knew that had made me suicidal in the past.

i know we have some shared friends and he’s probably going to paint me like some villain to you guys.  he already compared me to his previous abuser multiple times.  i don’t want to start some stupid “war” or drama or whatever and won’t push back or argue or anything because i have a ton on my plate both health and financially right now.  i don’t have the energy for stupid drama.  maybe i included more details than i should have, but i also left out a lot of details because i’m not really sure how much is appropriate here since this isn’t a callout or whatever.  there aren’t “receipts” since many of these things were personal interactions and i’m not looking to prove anything or make a callout.  you don’t have to believe me or read this or idk.

i just wanted to get this all off my chest.

[kosmicdream]

Your Comic Baby

You know that comic or story that you made when you were a teenager (or sometimes even younger) that propelled you to really WANT to create it. FOR REAL. You put all your energy towards it, for years, determined that it was going to be the one you HAD to make. But then something doesnt go right because, comics are hard-- so you start over and over and over and each reboot gets a bit more discouraging because you have SO MUCH planned out for this thing and you’re just stuck in the loop of redoing the first 5 pages every couple of years. But something about that story, you just cant let go of. You still want to make it happen because you’ve invested and dedicated so much into it. I know that feeling. I call those stories.. your Comic Baby.

You might have a lot of babies. I know I do. But there’s always this one certain comic baby that i struggle with more than the others. Its a difficult baby because I first made this baby when I was 13. And over the course of my highschool years, I was very outspoken about how i was going to really make this a real book for everyone to read. I was constantly working on it, even taking sketchbooks and clipboards to draw it or the characters in class. People were waiting to read this story because they could see how passionate about it I was. But comics were a lot harder than I thought they would be in my mind. I mean, i knew they would be difficult but it was like my art wasn’t as good as I knew it could be when i drew comics. I didn’t get it. And I’d learn so much and so fast that once i got one chapter finished and ready to read, i didn’t like it anymore.

This process went on until i graduated highschool. This dream of making a comic. Specifically THIS comic. I had a lot of stories i was planning on doing, but there was this one comic i really REALLY invested just. My maximum comic energy into. It was different from the other comics and stories. Not that the other ones werent good, they just didnt have the same bond with me that I had with this story. This comic baby was gonna be the thing i was going to be known for and be the first comic i would presented into the world. And in the end.. it actually wasn’t.

I mean, it was, in a way. Eggshells is a prequel to that baby comic. Set in the same universe. Part of the same story, more like a mini test version reboot of the One True Baby Comic. I decided to give the comics thing another try and started to work on eggshells in August 2011, then to ink in Febuary 2012 and finally started to post it in 2013.. sometime.

I took a really long break from comics between finishing highschool and starting eggshells. I would try here and there, but not getting this baby comic out when i was still IN highschool somehow made me feel like a failure of an artist. I was very hard on myself. I didn’t really know if i was even capable of BEING a comic artist because my comics weren’t coming out how i wanted and I couldn’t finish anything. Besides that, I didn’t even know if I could even make them as a career. (I still don’t know if I can but I know I’m going to continue to try.)

When I decided to start Eggshells, i decided that it would be another attempt at my favorite baby comic because I knew that if any of my stories had the emotional legs to motivate me to get through to the final page-- it would be that one. That special baby comic. I poured so much work into planning and preparing everything in a very tradition sense. Scripts, thumbnails, drawing layouts and props and character turn arounds.. ect ect.

Then the fire happened and I lost my ‘comic bible’ of sorts. The rough draft sketches of the entire thing. It was very sad.

But even before then, actually inking pages was not very fun. Because the process i made for it was .. not very fun. I was running into the same walls that I always had when rendering comic panels. It just was too slow and I couldn’t get a consistent look that i wanted. I wasn’t sure where to put detail (or balance the detail) so I would over render constantly. I would zoom in too much. I didn’t know how much to shade and word bubbles annoyed me. I wasn’t very satisfied and I would spend way too much time on each page.

I felt pretty exhausted after trying to ink it for one year and not even getting through the first chapter. Doubt and old dread of not being capable of a comic artist weighed on my shoulders. Of course then, when the fire happened, i just decided to put all that aside again. My life kinda was.. thrown in a loop.

Similarly, my life has been thrown in another one of those loops. A different kind but still, the same sort of disoriented “where the fuck should i live” kind of things. Some of these feelings have come back, the anxieties and unsureness but.. mostly just remembering about them rather than feeling the SAME things. I have acquired a sense of accomplishment in my art .. just with a totally different comic that came out of no-where. (the worm one, you know.)

My relationship with my art has changed so much at this point and I’m so.. not.. what i had predicted for myself?? Not in a negative way. its just odd. FFAK is such a different comic than i thought I would make too. I would describe the experience of working on FFAK as like, im in a shitty junkyard car and ive decided to slam on the gas as hard as i can and see how far it’ll go. Then it just didn’t stop. It took me on a fucking journey but at 90 miles per hour. No careful consideration, so much explicit violence and sex, aggressive confrontations and social commentary. Sex hat jokes. I really got to see a side of myself that this story continues to bring out. And as I worked on ffak more and more, I would sometimes look over at the passenger seat at the Comic Baby. Crossing their arms judgmentally at me and giving me a look like “Having fun? What about ME? Wasn’t I the important one to you?? Am I not special anymore???”

So sometimes i’d feel bad. And try to work on that one again.. but it didn’t make me feel good. I felt like i had to ride the FFAK wave because that was what was happening in the present and I was discovering too much about myself to go back to this older thing that i had a frustrating history with. It wasn’t that I didn’t LOVE the other story, it just didn’t feel right to work on then. So i just let myself focus on where my energy was wanting to go: The Worm Fucks. And the worm fuck comic is the one people read first. Its the first comic of my own i really got to.. read and experience more than just the first chapter. Its been amazing but its so weird. I feel like its a different kind of artist that makes it sometimes.

I don’t regret the worm fuck comic being the one I’m known for but its still funny to me how easily it might have never happened. If the fire hadn’t taken away so much of my work, I probably would be still slowly pushing out pages for eggshells. Or maybe I would have given up and moved on to do something else with my art career? I don’t know. All i know is what I ended up doing was this weird worm comic that is still going on for .. thousands of pages! and has no end in sight! I didnt even expect eggshells to last 1,000 pages but now I can tell my page-pacing is different than how i expected. I still haven’t even finished a comic yet. Its weird? Am I able to finish comics? I guess I don’t know yet because I haven’t. i might “know” endings to my stories but its very different when actually getting it done. I understand that life is more complicated than that and things like fires can change the circumstances in 10 minutes.

So I’m feeling a fear about this uncertain future I’m facing, I’m seeing that I have to make a lot of huge life changes for where I am going to live and what I have to do to make money to support myself. I’m scared that my routine ive established with FFAK will have to change. I wonder if I’ll never be able to replicate the same exact “throw it all into the wind” energy of working like I was able to.. at least I know I can’t right now, because I need to be careful and calculated again. My surroundings arent stable enough for me to dive headfirst into my projects.

With that I’ve noticed I’m drawing eggshells a little bit and enjoying it like I haven’t before. Is it what I need right now? It feels weirdly comforting to know that, no matter what the history i have with this comic, I’ll come back to it and continue to pick at it a little. it makes me feel like, no matter where I’m going to be in this world physically-- my comics will come along with me and they dont have to leave. they arent a product of circumstance. I can get right back on the horse. Its just part of my life that doesn’t have to go away or be taken away from me. Its a nice secure feeling that there’s this art thing isnt something I have to start over. I’d rather build on what I’ve got and it might take me a long time but I enjoy the journey. That feels good to me.

Anyway, even if I’m scared about where i’ll go from here I know i’ll have my car of screaming comic babies at all different ages that are demanding my attention. and some are more patient than others, i’ve totally ditched some babies along the way that i might pick back up later or merge with other babies through some horrific experiment. I’ll even make some new ones because life inspires me constantly and I have so many problems to sort out and what better way than to project on some cool anime characters. but i love all my comic babies!!!!!! and they love me. i have unique and interesting histories with all of them.

comic baby is such a creepy word but it really feels like they are your strange brain children that are also you. i don’t ever want children of my own, but i can see that i pour.. small small aspects of that i think that energy might be into my comics. (im not pretending its actually the same thing to be perfectly clear.) They take up all your time + energy and make you constantly lose sleep..and they grow distinct personalities that you dont expect and have to deal with.. people will judge you for them and how you “raise” them (make them), you’re endlessly proud of these babies and protective and shed tears for them and want them to SUCCEED and live on forever. you want other people to love them TOO and see the best parts of them, for all their flaws. You want em all to grow up as you hoped or planned but they wont at all. They’ll be totally different but also better than you could have imagined.

Comics & Art are such a special thing to get to experience. While i hope that i can make my dreams a reality with my art, I know that they’ll always be an integral part of my life + how i experience and see life and i’m so thankful ive decided to really let room for it there. Its amazing to me that i almost thought it wouldn’t. and i wasnt going to be allowed to be happy with my art because it wasn’t good enough and i wasn’t enough. but i am. and it is good.

Thank you for reading. -Kosmic