#theyre very neat i hate when theyre near me

[sunshinequeer]

I don't want to be afraid of bugs anymore :/ I want to cohabitate with them calmly and I would like the ability to ask them not to surprise me inside my clothing and shoes in a way where they will understand and respect that boundary

[flawed-nymph]

okay, I just wanna answer a few of them bc theyre really sweet. Let's call it journaling

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? first impressions?

the first distinct memory i have of her is standing in a hall on first days of new school and she had those weird patches on her backpack, five of them, arranged in a circle and I asked about them, and they were the five elements from magic:the gathering game. Game which i began to love next summer when we went together to this nerdy camp. Btw i asked her about them like 50 times bc i never could remember the answer.

maple - hobby or skill you never tried but would like to?

weaving fabric, definitely, ive grown flax this summer to make this folk material called pasiak. But it does seem very complicated.

fireside - dream wardrobe?

those amazing wrap tops and dresses, both puffy, flowy and silky. And lots of linen pants and shirts

cider - food you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

That would be hard cheeses. Now i eat grana padano or parmezan on everything, be that pasta, scrambled eggs or pierogi

fog - how well you would do in a zombie apocalypse?

With my extensive knowledge ive acquired while watching every zombie movie and series in existence, I'd say pretty good.

orchard - what one thing you would like to happen this autumn?

well, I've just applied for this very pleasant job, and it's autumn already, so I'd like to get it maybe?

bonfire - describe your dream house

So, a flat in some old townhouse, with big windows and high ceiling. Maybe a little rusty and not-so-freshly-renovated. With wooden floors and furniture. And lots of plants. Cold lighting. And a floor-to-ceiling mirror somewhere.

maize - weirdest encounter you had with a stranger in a street?

so i was like 14yo, walking near my home (which is a very save neighbourhood), middle of the day. And then those two men start calling me from further in front of me. I kinda ignored them and steered a little to the side. But they approached. And one of them started asking if i wanted 100zl (which I'd say would be like 50$ kinda vibes). And I'm thinking " they're probably a little mental. I'll just ignore them and turn more ". But then they stepped directly in front of me and been like "come on, I've just earned all that money, and would like to share with the world. Just smile and it's yours". And ig i must have smiled through al that confusion bc that man literally gave me that money and said good day and went away?? And that was a lot of money for me then.

quilt - how do you like your coffee and tea?

At home i usually drink very strong coffee from express, with half a teaspoon of honey and a lot of cold milk. And at coffeehouse i usually order latte or mocha. And I like tea in a lot of forms. Black, green, jasmine. Also cold tea, after all day of standing in a kettle. I've even drank those weird english tea with milk, but like, nothing spectacular, and then the tea needs to be super strong.

pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

Objectively, cosmologicaly, i think that we are entirely egotistical. But irl we act inherently good. Bc like evolutionary the best we are with other people.

moonlit - are you messy or neat person?

definitely messy. Altho i like cleaning some stuff. Like kitchen counters, and when there's this thin layer of stone on bathroom things. And until recently i though it was common experience, but apparently my friend has it exactly opposite and she hates those but instead likes vaccuming, which i hate the most??

flannel - have you ever gone on a bad date?

yes, it was with my friend's friend. So no ideally. And we weren't doing anything particularly, i remember only eating kebab at his favourite kebab place. And it was mid. And he was from entirely different world, we had literally no common topics. And I remember that we were in busses for a weirdly long time? especially that we didn't go anywhere interesting?

ghost - is there someone that you miss having in your life?

my friend that we still try to connect sometimes but it's usually random and every half a year. Especially that for 9 years we went together to school and then we were together going to painting lessons together, and then were regularly meeting for drawing sessions. And I miss her and i miss doing art with her. Especially that now she's a graphic, after art school and i almost stopped doing art.

autumnal asks

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other?

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why?

fireside - if you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like?

cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario?

jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose?

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

crow - which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

bonfire - describe your dream house.

cinnamon - if you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

cobweb - (if you’ve graduated) do you miss high school?

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on?

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

quilt - how do you take your tea (or coffee)?

pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly?

flannel - have you ever gone on a bad date? 

cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have?

ghost - is there someone that you miss having in your life?

[fairestwriting]

PLEASE DO, MY GAY LIL HEART LOVES WOMEN-

referring to this post

ask and ye shall receive... this is just clothes/hair/acccessories notes. sorry for the brainrot in some of these but.. twst women go brr. also in this by short skirt i mean like miniskirt length, and long is nearing knee length. medium would be a midpoint between the two

also any of yall are free to share your headcanons with me jddjfjdfj i have a thing for character design

riddle: Listen i hate when people draw her with twintails. big pet peeve of mine its not riddle at all. shed have one of these really fancy braided buns, because she wants to look proper -- and for the same reason, her skirt is a bit longer and she wears black tights (we are keeping the heeled shoes tho)

ace: hmm not much should change i dont think? i imagine her looking sort of tomboyish. hair like male ace but maybe just a bit longer, maybe one or two red barettes because she still wants to be cute. short skirt and socks

deuce: "tomboy at heart but shes trying to be a proper lady" kind of look. had short hair in her delinquent days but shes growing it out so its juuust a little shorter than shoulder length. longer skirt but short socks. she rips all the tights she tries so she figured that would be easier

trey: god so shes the one i can never really figure out... i only ever see people drawing her w short hair but im not sure if i like it much the hairstyles they do are often just kinda ugly- i think that kinda works, though, maybe chin length hair for her. as long as her bangs are just a little different from her male counterpart. medium length skirt and under the knee socks.

cater: same hairstyle with the bangs pulled back i think but long hair.. though short would look good on her too! shed be very cute. maybe ties her jacket around her waist and shes definitely a short skirt gal. has painted nails and nice makeup on and her socks are thigh highs or the loose ones.

rest under the cut bc this is mad long-

leona: hnngghh hot lion lady i cant decide if i like her more with short hair or long hair... i can go either way i think. short skirt and she still wears those wack ass sandals. this goes without saying but she has male leonas undone buttons too

ruggie: certified tomboy. same hair as male ruggie pretty much, same rolled up sleeves. she wears a skirt bc its part of the uniform id imagine but if they had like, a shorts option shed take it. shed be a shorts kind of gal. really short socks

jack: shoulder length hair, still fluffy and kinda spiky! maybe up in a sporty ponytail or something. shes still Very buff (read this in a simp voice) and would probably wear pants if they had the option in the uniform. if they dont have that then just... medium skirt i think, but she probably wears some kind of shorts underneath it. short socks and her jacket is tied around her waist more often than not

azul: GOD do i have thoughts about her. i also have a pet peeve regarding her hair i think fem azul would 100% be the type to have long hair instead of just keeping male azuls cut... its chest length and wavy and she keeps most of it pushed over one shoulder. medium skirt, she cares about being proper but still wants to look cute, probably would wear black tights but boy do i wanna see her in thigh highs

jade: hair is a very neat bob, i think! not that much different from her male counterpart, she still keeps the classiness. Obvious tights wearer and any skirt length would work with her, i think. though i cant see her in a very short one because she does care about being proper

floyd: also bobbed hair, except its a huge mess and she would probably pull it into a ponytail whenever shes able to.... short skirt and socks, some undone buttons. rolled up sleeves more often than not.

kalim: hghghghhg i can never decide on what hair id go with for her ~_~ in the end i think long and fluffy would be the most fitting, its about chest length and she does a variety of different styles, sometimes twintails, sometimes ponytails, sometimes she just leaves it the way it is! short skirt and socks, probably even more accessories than her male counterpart + painted nails (that jamil painted for her)

jamil: oh i can only see her being very similar to male jamil. same hairstyle pretty much though i think shed be heavier with the makeup, like her eyeshadow would be a bit darker? keeps the hoodie, medium shirt and short socks just below the knee. she probably looks scarier than her regular counterpart

vil: so we officially are in “similar to their counterpart” territory... i dont think fem vil could even be very different tbh, what sets her apart is that she has actually long hair- maybe past chest length even but she keeps that variety between having her hair up and down that vil has. either medium or long skirts bc she wants to keep it classy, obvious tights wearer. she has acrylic nails she changes every now and then and theyre Sharp. makeup on point always including this really intense red lipstick

rook: continuing our travel through similar territory... same hair, same weird ass hat, very similar in general. i just feel like shed be vaguely masculine too? but not in that “rough” way, or at least thats not how she looks like usually. medium skirt and she keeps the boots so you dont see her socks really. another one that would very much prefer to wear pants. sometimes she has red lipstick on because vil does her makeup every now and then

epel: a tough one tbh! i think she could either have the same haircut as epel, or slightly longer but she keeps it in a slightly messy ponytail. medium skirt, wishes so much they had a pants option. socks are hidden by the boots. shes very cute

idia: HRHRGFHRHHG *TRIES CONTAINING MY BRAINROT* SHE HAS SHORT HAIR AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL!!!!! keeps the jacket with short skirt and thigh highs. Does not think shes cute enough to wear a short skirt with thigh highs but all her waifus wear them so she has to. God i love my gamer gilfriend

ortho is just ortho but with little fire pigtails i care her

malleus: hnngh hot fae lady out with the mullet first of all it wouldnt fit her regal energy. she does have very long hair though, like way past chest length, and it does that thing thats like... when some parts are tied at the back and kept together with some sort of pin? That. long skirt and tights, high heels even though she doesnt need them, painted nails and dark eyeshadow. Queen

lilia: ...both lilias look the same and you cant convince me otherwise. if she wears a skirt its very short though and it has something underneath for volume so it looks ruffled and cute. would wear thigh highs too but not always

silver: either short hair or an updo of some kind... im thinking milk braids (different from riddles, you can see the bun in her hair but for silver its just the braids) to keep that royal ish energy. also decently proper, long skirt and alternates between tights and below the knee socks

sebek: i can only visualize her with long hair for some reason. its still very spiky and parted the same way her male counterpart does it, uniform absolutely on point and also mimicking malleus a little with the skirt and tights

[readingaccountability]

snow crash - neal stephenson

my playlist (because of The Way That I Am)

final thoughts:

okay, im going to be honest right out of the gate- i cant decide whether this is a book id recommend or not. it was really fun for the most part, but personally there was a lot more exposition than id like. the early portions of the novel have exposition which feels completely fair, mostly things relating to worldbuilding. stephenson creates his own vision of future america, and some places online referred to it as cyberpunk, and some as post-cyberpunk. id be more in the latter camp, mostly due to the way he plays with tropes, leaving the reader unsure of which will be subverted and which wont.

the use of language was really fun, and i enjoyed the worldbuilding a lot. his vision of a futuristic capitalistic earth feels surreal in its immediacy and recognizability. the back jacket blurb ends with "a future america so bizarre, so outrageous, you'll recognize it immediately." which, yeah. a texan info-tech magnate? two competing corporations owning the highway system? suburban city-states? this was another enjoyable thing- everything was colorfully named, and names treated totally normally, which kind of poked fun at how we have everyday things named very ludicrously and for the most part we are totally blind to it.

one aspect i really enjoyed was that the author often doesn't make certain things clear to the audience, until he does, and then it becomes necessary to reassess the entire story and setting. this goes to underscore the theme of the importance of information and the ways we take it in and perceive the world based upon it. for example, we don't learn that y.t. is fifteen until maybe 75 pages in, at which point a lot makes sense in retrospect. the same thing occurs in the worldbuilding, as suddenly a detail is given in passing and the reader must incorporate it into the setting, which by default we assume to be similar in many ways to our idea of america. it keeps the reader on their toes as well as furthering the worldbuilding. for the most part, the tech stuff didnt feel outdated to me, despite being a future projected out from '92.

however, aspects of the book are definitely very 1992. id put these into two camps: the first, being that the book does at different times use slurs. the main character is black and asian, the n word is used a few times by racist side-character/antagonist types, as are a few other racial slurs. there was also the occasional usage of the r slur, within the narrative prose itself, rather than usage as an insult within dialogue.

the protagonist, who is named, unfortunately, hiro protagonist, is a great character and felt very fleshed out to me, though at times he reminded me more of dirk strider than normally would be ideal. (its obvious that stephenson and andrew hussie are of a similar type of writer, and play with similar tropes, lmao.) hiro is a man of many worlds. he seems to shift between them easily, though never fully existing in any of them. this is reflected in his background, both in his biracial identity and in having been raised on a myriad of army bases. this is layered further in his fluidity in interacting with both reality and the metaverse, yet remaining slightly, consistently aloof. fascinatingly the first moment i sensed this drop was when we meet juanita- aka where his real and meta realities coincide. the description of them as the adam and eve of the metaverse is both insanely romantic and thematically key (good god i wish we had more than like, two conversations between them). juanita designed the facial component to metaverse avatars, doing the majority of this work when the two were together, and hiro can see echoes of both their facial tics in the face of every avatar in the metaverse. in a way, by having done this work juanita is positioned by the narrative as one of the gods of this digital realm. she is also hiro's call to action, being aware of the coming trouble and alerting him to it, as well as connecting him to the informational database he needs to prepare.

y.t., the secondary protagonist, fucking ruled. i loved that she was just a fifteen year old punkass kid whose mom doesnt know how crazy this part time job is. y.t. being worried about her mom was a great thread throughout, and a really good balance to how obviously independent y.t. is. i do wish there had been a chance to explain more about her background (she has a dad who left who is mentioned in a throwaway sentence, and a boyfriend who is mentioned near the beginning but never again.) i really enjoyed how obviously hyperaware y.t. was at all times about her own place within the insanities of the setting, while also consistently writing her as a teen maybe in way too deep who thinks about things in typically teenage ways. but like, that wasn't ever held against her? the narrative meets her where she is. it was honestly awesome. HOWEVER,

i absolutely hated the raven and y.t. scenes. how creepy!!! he basically statutory rapes her!!! we know hes at least late 20s early 30s, because hes the same age as hiro. if this sort of content is upsetting to read for you, i definitely do NOT recommend this book. (if you want to avoid reading these bits: ch 47 y.t. meets raven, ch 50 they are in a bar eating, ch 52 things happen that result in y.t.'s anti-assault device activating- she did not activate it on purpose, but forgot it was there- and raven is knocked out.)

please PLEASE dont take any of the following analysis as like, trying to be apologetic towards this scenes. because again they were awful and hard to get through and really gross. but im also cognizant that the author was obviously trying to convey something by making the choice, like the way it was written is obviously not condoning this sort of thing.

i think maybe what stephenson was trying to get at with that, was that we see hiro internally negate any potential for anything untoward with y.t. basically immediately, since he kind of senses that she might have a small crush on him (though this doesnt last more than a fleeting moment, especially from her perspective). vs raven, whose 'poor impulse control' warning tattoo eventually elicits a sarcastic remark from hiro after he finds out raven and y.t. were "a thing". i really dont think hiro knew how far it went? like it was just suuuper weird, but i figured it was meant narratively to 1. execute the chekovs gun of y.t.'s anti-assault device, 2. contrast hiro and raven (especially considering the bike-racing argument where theyre telling the story together, which is supposed to parallel them, while contrasting the differences in how they ended up?), and 3. just to get raven unconscious, i guess. but good god it was weird and i hated every second of it, why couldnt the device have like, activated way earlier?? gah. fucking upsetting. moving past that!

honestly i was really frustrated by how little screentime juanita got, because the way she was introduced was so fucking interesting and then shes mostly off doing her own thing. the bits of explanation she gives at the end about what she was up to on the raft are so sparse and im like damn, can we get a little bit of her pov in here? please? that would have ruled. additionally, shes supposed to be hiros love interest, but we see so little of them interacting outside her intro scenes. a huge portion of why hiro is getting into the sumerian mythology is literally framed as something that will help him understand juanita, but we dont get to see him talk to her about it barely at all.

the supporting characters were quite fun, i particularly liked the librarian. big surprise, i liked the overly literal ai information-dispensor, lmfao. watching him and hiro interact reminded me SO hard of geordi laforge having honest to god conversations with the computer where he tries to coax information out of it, aka one of my favorite little aspects of tng.

and lastly, the major plot themes themselves. i adore the way stephenson approached action, it was very entertaining. usually i cant really visualize action scenes written out, but his use of language was really really effective and engaging. the plot itself was absolutely fascinating, though i found the premise pretty contrived. which isnt bad in itself, i was fully suspending my disbelief until the last hundred pages or so. which for a 550+ page book, isnt too bad.

i did like the approach of linking the ancient to the modern, that is always really neat. and i think ultimately stephenson did it in an interesting way, not how i would have done it, but definitely interesting! creating these ideas about information infrastructures, and there being words that can access those and be used to control people, was wild. not sure if i agree about the equating of religion to a virus, though he did specifically establish that it was more the approach to religion, than religion itself. (maybe if juanita had been more goddamn present in the narrative that could have been elaborated on a little more. literally her perspective would have been perfect in balancing that out!!)

ultimately what did me in was the very very very long winded MONOLOGUE where hiro re-explained the whole premise, in ways that didnt really neatly organize into a cohesive argument. a lot of the scenes where hiro talks to the librarian, which are interspersed throughout the book, are really exposition heavy, because stephenson is rooting his ideas in historical concepts that need to be explained to both hiro and the audience. and i thought all that was fine, because it was a conversation where hiro was grappling with the information, and he was figuring it out along with the reader, and most importantly it was a conversation between him and the librarian computer program.

howeverrr later on we get a full rehash of all that, where hiro makes clear some stuff that was just implied for the reader, and hes literally just telling these important men whats up in this big long monologue. utterly worthless. i kept reading it and going YEAH, we KNOW, we know this we know this. and the important men barely interjected. it added basically nothing to our understanding of the situation, other than reframing it. but everything added was already an implicit thing, and didnt really need to be said again.

the resolution to the book was stellar, the last 30-40 pages, once hiro is onto the raft, were great. ultimately after reading and giving some time to digest it, i think it was a solidly great book with a few big drawbacks near the end, but which dont carry through and sully the ending.

[prisontoybox]

17, 19, 25 (shadow lord), 27, 29, 36, 37, 38, 39

//Oops that took a while phew, thank you <3

Munday Asks

17 "What was your first muse?"

I guess other than warrior cats and one other oc that werent necessarily mused, it'd be Dipper Pines (regular and most of his aus). I ended up really deep in the Gravity Falls Amino and I ended up in many of the rps defaulting to him for other friends and rpers til I became known for it to an extent gjfjdk. I did a couple other GF charcaters but mainly him in my friend groups.

19 "Do you have ship bias?"

I'll be honest I have no clue what this means. :v If its about writing a ship with someone and their muse, it mostly depends on chemestty and if I know the mun at least a little and if its fun to write. (Ex, I haven't written any real Monix even tho its cute despite having Fox talk to a few Monos here and discord, but have written thinlady with @/gecsha and already otp'd it. I also liked Sevix but wanted SK to want nothing to do with Six in even a friendly regard, but me and @/raincoatnightmare became friends when we were writing and it was funny and cute plus added further character into SK that I like (also now lordlady supremacy ty ty). Or in another fandom, the only character I've written with a canon relationship (or semi-canon? ig its vague?) was Hero from Omori and even then it seems weird to jump into a ship with someone I havent spoken to so it would probably be more prominent with an rper I've talked to before even if its still there with strangers)

25 "Do you play smut? Do you play it only with characters you’re shipping with, or are you open for “one night stands”?"

27 "Are you interested into poly relationships for your muse?"

Tbh Ive (embarrassedly and probably poorly) written it with one other person before in a certain circumstance I don't wanna get into here that ended not-so-well but I'm too nervous to write that kinda thing with others unless we were really comfortable writing that in private. It would always have to be shipping and he's only really shipped with one muse and you already admitted to asking this so I hope youre happy embarrassing me now hfksfkjfkd (also off like you said only adults like SL)

It never starts that way and yet so often ends up like that fhsksl. For SL he's already in a cute poly ship in a verse so I'll say yes to that. Lady Fox hasn't really been written into anything at all yet and I haven't even considered any ship even my beloved thinlady for her so we'll see gjjdls. For puppy ships with the kids again idk

29 "What are your thoughts on your muses' canon?"

Sweats in divergent characters Well Six is really cool and honestly a fun character to watch go through things, I really like her and her clever survival skills even if she's not the most kind in some situations cough cough. I could write a whole essay on why I love her little differences between the other characters in idle animations, cutscene reactions, and her ai actions in LN2. And seeing her in both comic series + those LN2 cutscenes/ai, I like how despite it all its obvious just still just a kid who also enjoys time with others.

RK is honestly my favorite of the protags, little dude is hard (to the) core. I still hate the canon ending 💔 /hj. His specific idle animations we get to see are also interesting in the fact thet theyre a little different from Six's (the only 2 kids at the time). Seeing his interactions with the Nomes (Hideaway), Six (cancelled comic), and reaction to the Flashlight Girl (Depths), it's also neat to see his little personality shine through. I got the feeling he was almost hesitant to escape but went through anyway, and saw it to the end (even if it was his own end) and with all the stepping on coal and glass, hitting every obstacle in the way and still standing up straight, and being resourceful of those around him, and I can respect him. Also he's the only one who's had a chapter I would be too scared to go through if I had the LN mindset so good on him 💔.

36. "Do you feel similar to your muse in any way?"

With Fox I really feel that casual but anxious at any time feeling, and already projected a lot of my anxieties about memory loss onto her. I also just like foxes. (Ive only spent money on game cosmetics 3 times and one was the LN1 fox mask, another was yesterday $10 on an almost useless fox plush on Sky: CotL fhdjsk but hey whats important is invisible to the eyes).

With SK I can feel the "listens to an echo chamber for emotions" sometimes, and holding onto things stubbornly. It's quite easy to write him as I don't like admitting certain things either and deny deny deny, but that makes SL a little harder to make him romance fbdksk.

With SL I do really feel that overprotectiveness and envy in some things, he might be waaay exaggerated ofc but it's there. Im also a big self blamer.

37 "Do you feel different from your muse in any way?"

With Fox I'm much more social, I do like hugs and physical touchs and talking even oversharing cough just look at this whole post whereas she'd very reserved and quiet about her feelings 99% of the time.

With SK I can't really find it in me to hold a grudge that well. I can think back and get annoyed that some teacher or other kid or family member did some bad thing to me in the past, or say "so-and-so hurt me yesterday", but I can't hold it as just hate for long and see it differently. There's very few people I'm having trouble forgiving and forgetting, and they'll never be allowed near my family if I can help it.

With SL I can't say I'm in a good position if I'm in charge. I can be a good right hand or lower ranking moniter/manager, but being the head is too much pressure and depressing. He seems to be doing just fine both on his own and with his wife and/or husband.

38 "What's the best inspiration for your muse?"

Mostly jokes and random ideas with my friends! Some of the best plots I've had personally were turning a romance/ship joke into angst for pain, or angst into romance as hurt/comfort. Ofc music also helps but this is the best!

39 "What's a song that reminds you of your muse?"

I have a whole playlist so let me think of some that only or mostly involve that character and their feelings.

Fox/Six- Again

SK- Cradles

SL- KING

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

[oursidae]

long ass rant abt bl3

just, so many spoilers under the readmore, things i thought the game did poorly and things i wish were changed

I should have expected it to be not great being that, borderlands was NEVER fantastic with its writing and character development. Ive been spoiled by tales from the borderlands tbh. I think borderlands three tho was like… fantastically underwhelming.

I had a blast with the beginning of the game up through the end of the first vault, where the excitement peetered off. 

Firstly, i wholly believe Maya was done horribly. Compare her death to say, Roland. Even if you hadn’t played BL1, you had almost the entirety of 2 to get to know him and his character and his place in the world of borderlands. Maya’s death was INCREDIBLY early in comparison. And not only that, the characters dont get to mourn aside from a few offhand voicelines. Mordecai mourned for bloodwing in a more substantial way - you get two full side quests about it. Zer0 says one offhand voiceline for maya. They were her friend goddamn it, i wanted MORE. 

ava is a good character but the fridging of maya just makes her into… what, a brat who accidentally got her killed and now has her powers? it would have been more interesting for them to develop alongside each other through the game and if maya died near the end, youd have cared a lot more about ava too. she’s just really one note right now.

Speaking of side quests, there were very few. They were sparse and honestly i dont think they added much to the plot of the game or the world.

in borderlands 2, side quests, at least in my eyes, were what forced you to explore the map. in borderlands 3 they forgo a lot of side quests in favor of the crew challenges, which were far less rewarding imo. like, build claptrap a gf with parts from dead claptraps in the world. disable COV radio towers for moxxi, kill fauna for hammerlock, people for zer0, etc, but except for zer0 and hammerlock you just get very similar voice lines in return. as well as xp. they dont add to the plot or worldbuilding or characters in any way. 

the lack of side quests i think really hurt my enjoyment of the game, because in bl2 it was the sidequests that got you to know the main cast and see that they were working behind the scenes. like brick and his slabs, moxxi asking you to sabotage opportunity, ellie and scooters more jokey side quests even!! it made them feel real with motives outside the main quest. bl3 didnt really have any of that past the first vault (i say this because lorelai gave some good sidequests.) in 3, moxxi and hammerlock only give u one side quest each. marcus (who gave u a lot on bl2) didnt give you any. he was literally just there to run the ammo shop. 

some of the more hyped characters dont really do shit. the b-team, mordecai/brick/tina dont really do…anything, they bust hammerlock out of jail, and then give you one side quest per person. thats really it. i hoped that, considering their roles in bl2 and their relationship to lilith, theyd have big roles here too. they didnt. they were truly forgettable. 

aurelia showed up to fill a villain slot and died. maybe im a sucker for redemption, but i hoped theyd had more in store for her. and they just…didnt. just like, a whole mission of wainwright calling her a harpy while hammerlock really wants to convince her to not be evil only to get fucking shot by her, like,,,,

vaughn is a joke. they did him truly dirty. his character development tanked into a “haha look at him hes strange and naked” joke. tftbl ending vaughn would NEVER. i wish theyd acknowledge the events of tales from the borderlands AT ALL. or had vaughn and rhys SPEAK TO EACH OTHER.

rhys is another thing, i rly dislike the relationship theyre pushing w him and sasha even tho sasha literally didnt show up in the game. apparently theres echo logs of him obsessing over and searching for her (i didnt find these in my own game but like, i believe it) and her picture on his desk and god DAMN it just let it rest,

BALEX was bland and so immediately misogynistic that i hated him on principle.

so then theres this character Typhon Daleon. he is the first vault hunter, but to my knowledge the only mentions of him occur in bl3. in fact, i dont think he’s mentioned in a main quest until after you kill troy and meet him in person, you only hear of him in the typhon logs which are optional. Then in the final quest you learn troy and tyreen are his kids, then he dies. i had no attachment to this character! he should have at least been built up in borderlands 2, if not in all of the previous games to get me to at least go “huh neat!” when its revealed hes alive, his kids are the villains, etc. 

tannis… they handled her being a siren poorly, my gripe isnt that i called it, its that it isnt really explained how she got her powers. i was pissed for like a good while after she reveals that she has ANGELS powers because i assumed somehow she stole or manufactured them. theres an eridian recording that KIND OF explains it, but again, those are OPTIONAL. idk if i just blanked out when she went, oh, by the way, heres why,  but to my knowledge its never explained to the player in a main or side mission, at least until you see ava get mayas powers. its infuriating.

worldbuilding wise, this is a much smaller issue, but i wish there were nonhostile fauna on the other planets. pandoras whole thing, the big meme the big laff, is that everything wants to kill u there. so it wouldve been nice to like, see some fauna thats docile. runs away from the player, is chased around by the carnivorous fauna or bandits or something. maybe a hammerlocks challenge could be to use stealth to kill a docile animal or something, it just would have been nice,

i also didnt think the ending made sense, lilith,.. punched the moon and disappeared? died? also brick and mordecai DIDNT GET TO BE THERE FOR HER OR WITH HER AT ALL. after all of bl2 where its SHOWN they’re good friends who care about each other, youd think theyd get to witness her death/disappearance. on top of that it felt like the whole game was building to something with lilith and the climax was so underwhelming. 

i just want to beat randy bitchford with a rolled up newspaper until he stops being a piece of human shit and borderlands can develop the characters and world.

the good parts of the game were…the graphics and the bossfights. the boss fights were all unique and interesting and FUN. katagawa jr, troy, the second vault monster, and tyreen were my faves in that order. hammerlock and wainwrights relationship was adorable and i liked the credits art of wainwright proposing. clay was a fun character but like all the others, didnt have development.

i also had a lot of glitches. my game would crash if i navigated menus too quickly, i had an issue with effects from shields staying on my screen even tho they should have ended, as well as a lot of glitching after cutscenes, most notably falling through the floor after the troy bossfight. a lot of my quest objectives glitched and wouldnt activate until i reloaded, which was frustrating.

i DID like the game. but i dont know if ill do a replay past promethea. i was just wishing itd be a whole game on the level of the Commander Lilith DLC.

TLDR i wouldn’t have minded the game being so lilith centric if the other characters got to matter at ALL.

[nomtxas]

so awesome fellow latinx @theghostielord tagged me in this sorry it took so long but thx for tagging me

more under the cut!

1. Are you named after someone? -my birth name was given to me bc my mom and grandmother have the same name so long story short yes i was

2. When was the last time you cried? -today when i told my mom i wanted to become a history major and she had a negative reaction

3. Do you like your handwriting? -when it’s neat yeah but i think thats most of the time

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? -ham

5. Do you have kids? -nope and i dont want any ever thx 

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? -probably not bc im annoying and a lot sometimes

7. Do you use sarcasm? -why i would never do something like that

8. Do you still have your tonsils? -i dont know what they are either so maybe?

9. Would you bungee jump? -by myself no but maybe w someone i trust so if we die we die together

10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? -cocoa krispies or lucky charms

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? -no??? who does that

12. Do you think you’re a strong person? -no like on one hand i have low pain tolerance and on the other im emotionally weak i think bc i will cry at literally anything like if anyone so texts me in a different tone i will cry bc i think i did something wrong 

13. What is your favorite ice cream? -pecan or chocolate

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? -eyebrows

15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? -my nose i feel it’s too round

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? -like this purple/pink sweatpants and no shoes

17. What are you listening to right now? -nothing except the sound of my typing

18. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? -purple bc thats my favorite color

19. Favorite smell? -any food really 

20. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? -my mom

21. Favorite sport to watch? -baseball but when thats not an option then hockey is definitely a very close second

22. Hair color? -dark brown

23. Eye color? -dark brown

24. Do you wear contacts? -no theyre scary

25. Favorite food to eat? -tostadas or quesadillas de tinga 26. Scary movies or comedy? -depends… if its gay or has poc im down (what lavi said)

27. Last movie you watched? -the assasination of jesse james by the coward robert ford which imo was a 10/10 even if it was almost three hours long

28. What color of shirt are you wearing? -my red cardinals tshirt

29. Summer or winter? -winter bc i hate the heat

30. Hugs or kisses? -hugs i dont really like anyone near my face unless it’s a s/o then i guess i wouldnt mind so much

31. What book are you currently reading? -not really reading anything i had a list planned to read during spring break but i havent done anything but i might read bush league or out of play, out of competition or blood pressure (all which are 10/10 imo)

32. Who do you miss right now? -the caps pk unit who killed 29 straight penalties

33. What is on your mouse pad? -i have a laptop

34. What is the last TV program you watched? -the caps v preds game (which i hate the caps sm)

35. What is the best sound? -the sound of rain hitting against a window

36. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? -im not yt lol (again, what lavi said lmao)

37. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? -i dont know which is farther mexico city or winston-salem, north carolina or waukeegan, illinois

38. Do you have a special talent? -im talentless

39. Where were you born? -mexico city

tagging: @neueresque, @watch-us-rise, @highstik, and @marcandresflurries

[tumblunni]

OH MAN Why Am I Dead At Sea is SO FUCKIN GOOD

god I’m full of FEEEELS and THEORIES and GAHHHH I cant talk about ANYTHING about this game without spoiling stuff!! So I’m gonna make a spoilery ramble post woo! I havent actually finished it yet so this is spoils for like... up to the very last bit before the start of the final chapter. And I’ll try and talk about stuff in order so like, if you dont mind seeing a few spoils then you can read halfway thru i guess?? I just really wanna be able to reccommend this game and gush about characters without having to talk spoils!! GAHHH!!

ANYWAY U CAN BUY IT HERE Its really cheap and really worth it! Its even on sale right now so its £1.50 instead of £3! DOUBLE CHEAP!! But absolutely remember to backup your savefiles frequently, there’s a pathfinding glitch that can make the game unwinnable. And its a damn shame cos that nearly made me stop playing before I got to any of the good bits! Its easy to avoid once you know about it, at least.

Man, I’m so sad the gameplay has that one big glitch cos its really cool aside from that?? Its super basic and probably not everyone’s cup of tea though, this is a game that you’d only enjoy if you’re the sort of people who like when a game has like.. a codex of extra info you can collect.  There’s not as much ‘control people to affect the world’ as you’d expect, its 99% controlling people to unlock different dialogue options. All word puzzles and stuff! And the easiest way to get out of being stuck is just to methodically possess everyone you havent possessed yet, and talk to everyone and click on everything using them. I can imagine that’d be frustrating for people who like.. weren’t already doing that anyway. I Wanted to do that instantly cos I wanna find all the optional insights into everyone’s character! And some funny moments and sweetheart moments and AAAA I care about these people too much already... Oh, and its even more reason to love Paulo cos he gives you tips if you chat to him, and can even outright tell you the solution if you get really stuck. So for players who dont like being all completionist on the dialogue, he’s a very useful helper! I just wish that the ‘outright give you the solution’ option was better labelled so you dont click it by accident. Its just ‘tell me more’, I didnt know itd ruin the current puzzle for me :P

And MAAAAAN this game gets really trancey and atmospheric and I cant even really explain why?? You spend the whole game within this one small area but stuff gets opened up over time and things are revealed about seemingly innocent areas when you gain the new abilities of different people you possess. And how the player character is just this ethereal floaty flame, and how you get used to all the rules of how it works, and how neat the lil animations are. And how you start memorizing the place and all the details about everyone and getting REALLY DETERMINED to protect them GAHHH And the soundtrack is REALLY GOOD

PAULO IS MY SMALL SON PLEASE TELL ME I CAN PROTECT HIM FOREVER tiny necromancer boy aaaaaa he’s so lonely aaaaa he’s on this ship cos he has to ride it all the time on his own to get back from boarding school, his parents cant be bothered to pick him up and he’s just SO YOUNGGGG aaaa he’s like a child prodigy, he’s going to this big scary boarding school several grades above him and his parents are so distant and everyone thinks he can just handle everything because he’s smart and on top of all that he has to keep the secret that he can see ghosts, and theyre like his ONLY FRIENDS even though he only gets to talk to them for a little while before they pass on. YET HE STILL KEEPS HELPING THEM! He says all ‘oh im only summoning you for selfish reasons, I want you to save everyone else on the ship’ but he still helps you resolve your own death even when he knows it means he’ll never see you again. He has to mourn his best friend every damn time he makes one! Aside from that all he has is his teddy bear, showing just how young he really is and how much he FUCKING NEEDS GOOD PARENTS no matter how damn smart the poor kid is and AAAAA... And when you start getting clues about who you maybe are, it gets even sadder cos he’s like... “I didnt know her well but... I liked her. She helped me with my geometry homework.” God he had just ONE MOMENT of incredibly ordinary minimal friendship with this lady and then as soon as he’d got his hopes up THIS SHIT HAD TO HAPPEN! No wonder he locked his door for the entire cruise and refused to be near anyone except his new ghost friend. And gahhh he must have had his suspicions from the start about who it was that died, as soon as she didn’t come back to help with his homework. From his perspective this was just like an inevitable conclusion and he was begging you to find any other answer...

MORE SPOILERY SPOILER I was so fucking terrified when his door finally opened, and all you see inside is empty space. I mean it was a punch to the gut indeed that someone else died that we only really just met, but I’m WAY more terrified that the main sidekick for the whole game is potentially gonna die! He’s just vanished though, so I’m hoping that whether you save him or not is what determines the bad endings? So it IS possible to save him right?? SPOILER ENDDDDDDD

I’m still really confused how to feel about Xu though. I mean she’s such a huge jerk but I still cant help but feel sympathy for her?? And I feel like.. if I am supposed to hate her then its kinda annoying that the game brings up all these sympathetic concepts just to sorta discard them, they only exist to be her failed excuses for her actions. I dunno, its just sorta messed up. But it also means that if I AM supposed to agree with her actions then its messed up too?? And either way its frustrating cos she’s the only chinese character in the cast and her plot is so... gah. She’s this jerkass to everybody and she steals from the customers and then her excuse is ‘but I’m so poor and I’m a minority, how dare you yell at me for stealing’ and then she NEVER GIVES THE STUFF BACK and you never have any option to tell anyone?? And its so messed up cos like.. Anton actually IS a privilaged guy and I can see why she’d be mad that he’s in this job because he ‘wants to travel’ whereas she has to take it because she’s literally homeless. I mean if they actually discussed that then it’d be a good plot. And its a shame you cant bring up the secrets you find about Anton even when you get full possession of him, you find out he also had a meltdown and flunked out of college cos he just couldnt handle it, they could have been able to bond over that and realise they were both having misconceptions about each other’s motives for things. Like, she saw him as some guy who just chose to drop out of the education she wishes she could go back to, because he’s soooo rich and he can do whatever he wants. And he’d never considered how good he’s got it, and how other people are denied the same opportunities, and how he can use his privilage to help make the world fairer for these other people! Its just.. like.. you dont even find out that Anton IS rich until AFTER the conversation about Xu stealing his stuff, so it comes out of nowhere and feels like the game is saying privilage is a stupid concept thats not real and its being used as an excuse for her to be horrid. Either that or its on Xu’s side and its saying shoplifting is fine as long as you steal from white people?? And like.. Anton didnt do ANYTHING to make it seem like he deserved it, as far as we see. He’s never even rude to her?? He doesnt seem to do anything racist or classist. Its just like she assumes he;s that way because he’s a rich white guy but the game shows him to be Super Innocent so is it saying that everyone who ever accuses anyone of racism is always lying or.. gahhh?? It just feels like its trying to make a statement but I have no clue what it is! And this is the only time racism is ever discussed so it kinda stands out?? Also.. like.. NOBODY ever discusses the name issue?? Its really confusing, cos even her steam trading card calls her ‘Xu/Sue’. Ingame EVERYONE calls her Sue except herself and the interface. But its never drawn attention to, or explained?? So like, am I actually meant to assume that everyone is mispronouncing her name? But there’s no option to not do it! Or to bring up the subject! Anyway I just CANNOT stop feeling sympathy for her every time I see the damn wrong name in all these text boxes. Even if she’s an abrasive asshole half the time she feels like she has some sense of morality deep down, and that she’s been pushed to this extent by a terrible life rather than just choosing to become this sort of person. She’s just kinda like the ‘token evil good guy’ on the team. Even though she’s committing petty crimes it pales in comparison to the bigger horror that’s going on here :P

MAN it felt so damn good to finally get the reveal on Donavan and play as him for the first time! I mean whoa what a good climactic moment! What an uplifting! And what a downlifting when it gets cut short by tragedy, lol I TOTALLY KNEW IT that he was a cop! I mean seriously he was such a clear red herring, he was being pushed so heavily as the killer and we never got to know anything actually about him. And when you read his mind the ‘I WILL FIND YOU. I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU.’ struck me as something that could easily have a double meaning if he was a detective looking for the real killer! It was just SO BADASS when you finally get to control him and you have the power to enter every room and find clues that were locked off for ages! And it feels like you’re finally making progress so it was such a great story decision that the killer gets him immediately afterwards. And how their last taunt to him is that he was NO WHERE NEAR solving the mystery! Its just a taste of power and then its all thrown away and it makes you SO FUCKING DETERMINED to finish what donovan started with your weak lil protagonist hands NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES GAHHHHH

And then finally regaining a humanoid ghost form and being able to unlock the last two people’s tragic backstories by visiting their dreams!! And gahhh it was so interesting and sad that you have to lie and pretend to be the ghost of someone else they care about, in order to get through to them and say what that person would have said if they had got the chance to be the protagonist instead of you. It was actually a genuine huge surprise to learn that Gwen wasnt remotely involved with the murder! Like, she spent the whole game being paranoid that someone is coming after her, and everyone was saying she’s JUST paranoid, and then it turns out she WAS just paranoid! But I love that the game is actually sympathetic to her paranoia and shows how it’s a legitimate mental illness. Its left more mysterious than a lot of the other backstories, but it seems that her father or uncle or someone abused her and her sister when she was a child, and her sister was killed while she escaped. And even though its over she’s been haunted by the belief he’ll find her any second now, causing her to destroy her own life through reckless decisions, jumping up and running away every time things start getting good in her life. She doesnt even know where she’s running to! And GOD I really liked how you resolve it, you dont just cure people’s mental illnesses by giving them a  motivational speech. But you help them feel like they’re able to endure it, that they’ll get better someday and that they should accept help from therapists. And NOT BLAME THEMSELVES for being sick! I just really liked the line “yes, this is a living nightmare, but if you’re awake you can change things”.

And when you do the similar dream sequence for Darryl there’s an even better climactic line! Its like, after a whole game of him blaming himself for his wife’s suicide, going over a bazillion different scenarios of how he could have prevented it, you just say... “I was sick, there was nothing you could do.” There isnt some magical REASON why she became depressed, her life with him was as happy as he could have given her. It wouldnt have just stopped if her life was perfect, she had to get treatment, its an illness. It wasnt anyone’s fault, it was just a bad stroke of chance that she never told anyone about it and never got a chance to be treated, or even to talk it through with her husband at all. Her diary is just full of her feeling guilty that she must be making it up because she loves her husband so much and it’d be like insulting him to admit she isnt happy within her own skin, when he does everything to be the best husband he can. Goddd.... its so sad that its BECAUSE THEY WERE HAPPY that she was in this position where she never sought help! Where she just shouldered it herself and hoped it would go away on its own! And god, you get to see that Darryl does indeed have antidepressants in his room, unlike her he did seek therapy and its just because of his guilt that he isnt fully accessing that help. And he’s taking these drugs instead of his proper medication, and he���s planning his own suicide at the end of the trip. And god, you get to talk him down from it and say what his wife wanted to say, and save him from meeting the same fate as her! You’re just sick, Darryl. She was sick too. Its not anyone’s fault that someone stays depressed, nothing can magically make depression go away, you have to see a doctor like with any other illness. You cant just talk it away by telling yourself that you ‘should’ be happy and youre somehow choosing to feel this way...

GODDDD I hope poor mr stubble grandpa is okay after the end of the game And I hope him and Quella stay in touch as friends! Her backstory made me cry too, goddddd She’s been diagnosed with cancer and has anywhere between three and seven months to live, because she was too poor to afford treatment until it was already too late. And she’s just so positive and okay with it?? Everyone else are the only ones crying for her.. She just wants to finish her final novel before she runs out of time, she’s crying more about not having enough inspiration for this. She just wants to be remembered, she knows she cant change her own death and this is the only thing she CAN change... I want Darryl to be her friend and help beta read her novel aaaa And dear god can everyone please be okay and stick together and GOD why can’t protagonist stay T_T I want you all to be safe when I’m gone, my friends. God I get to know them so closely yet never be able to really even talk to them, they’ll just remember me as someone they talked to only once before I died... And DEAR GOD let me rescue Paulo please!!!! everyone be safe please I don’t want to be able to hug Paulo and stay with him forever There is no way this can happen unless the worst possible thing happened I have to say goodbye okay i HAVE TO SAVE EVERYONE if all goes well I’ll never see any of you in person, okay? just let me be a shadow on this boat and pass away with no regrets knowing all of you will live a lot longer than me THIS GAME GETS ME SO EMOTIONALLLLL

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I am standing in my studio, observeing ten women portray in silence with beautiful consideration and focus, and the calories is just buzzing. All of a unexpected I hear a groan from one of the women and the phrases “Oh no, I hate it. It truly is so unsightly”. I smile, truly sensation a feeling of wonderful reduction and dread.

Aid given that an additional woman has just blindly stumbled into her gateway to imaginative flexibility. Worry because I know the resistance and arguments I am likely to be coming up once morest as I try to converse her out of get rid ofing what she deems ugly and to even to commence to take the radical phase of accepting what she has produced with desire and comenthusiasm. I incorporate to be quick here because women are practically nothing if not stealthy and cunning and will squander tiny time in eradicating the proof of what they consider unengaging art.

Here is a class in what is known as intuitive painting or procedure painting. The purpose of this kind of painting is to understand to checkpay attention deeply to your self and to then bravely express what you uncover,with no censoring anything,in a spirit of spontaneity, surrendering to the creative process.It’s very various from typical art groups exactly where the principal focus is on developing system and finishing up with a satisfying product. This variety of class utilizes art and painting as a way to get a lot more in contact with the interior globe of soul and psyche. The focus is solely on checking out and expressing that internal process.

This road is difficult for most women, because even though a lot of of us have carried out some kind of self evaluation and discover the worth inherent in that research, we’re nonetheless combating an uphill struggle towards a very strong cultural bias that teversure us to place the greatest value on what is outdoors of us. We’re taught that ideas and an inner daily life are wonderful as far as they go, but what is truly worthwhilst is how we look, what we own, who we know, and where we find ourselves on the financial and reputation hierarchy.

The mysterious stirrings of our soul, the needs of our coronary hearts, the messages from our bodies,and the genius of our instinct, are STILL, even following all of the battles for liberation that we’ve fought, denigrated and deemed trivial and uncrucial, unrealistic and immature. But in the world of the process arts the realm of psyche and desires, creativeness and feelings are staunchly defended as sacrosanct and even given middle stage.

The women in my painting class know the policies of intuitive painting, one of which is that they’re not to destroy anything or cover up what they’ve done just because they never like it or have a negative response to it. They know what they are attempting here is an follow in radical self acceptance which implies embracing almost everything that comes out of them specifically if it tends to make them not comfortable because there is certainly “gprevious in them thar hills” of the psyche that they can mine to great advantage if they are just inclined to stay with the soreness. But the urge to disavow the abomination of a perceived ugly painting by making it vanish can be complicated.

There are 4 words in the English language that remember to never use in reference to a western twenty first century woman if you don’t want to get your tooth knocked out. These four little words are ugly, excess weight, bitch and egocentric.

Every of these four words covers an difficulty of great relevance for a woman, and what they all have in familiar is that they are keys to unlocking the door to our forbidden feminine drive. And one thing you can rely on is that each of these four difficulties will show up at some point if a woman severely provides herself over to making her own art. That’s one cause that women typically shy absent from the creative process.

These words have very negative connotations for a woman and have been used to denigrate and manage us for a very long time.The demand about them is so intensive that as before long as we hear them we toss up our arms, recoil into a place of disgrace, near our eyes and back away from them as if they have been Kryptonite and we were Tremendous Lady. Since we are hesitant to be curious and discover them, we never get to see that in truth these four words explain very positive characteristics and archetypal energies that we determinedly need if we’ll be complete, whole, actualized and resultive feminine creators of our own life.

A single of the hugegest internal obstructions to reclaiming our power is a potent archetype at function in most women’s psyches that can be referred to as the Interior Very good Girl. The Good Girl lives for acceptance and she garners that approval by being women small and risk-free and non-threatening. She is not intesnoozeed in increasing up and is content material to remain forever youthful. Eventually, she is the one that retains a woman from getting able to develop and prosper as an individual who is strong and potent,gutsy and able of having authority over her own life. And the Good Girl never desires to threat being fat, selfish, ugly or bitchy.

If a woman takes her creative life seriously, if she makes a motivation to herself and devotes herself to her creative work, she will eventually reach a crossroads where she has to confront the Inner Good Girl and the list of Good Girl rules if she wants to proceed making with passion and authenticity.

We all know what individuals rules are.Smile, smile, smile, be candy and great, never get nuts (or even discouraged),look fairly (which of course involves being thin), odor good, be new and neat and altechniques be pleasing and accommodating. Will not be loud and stay in the background. What you consider or feel is not really all that important. Don’t upset anybody. And never, ever make another man or woman uncomfortable. In the Good Girl world idealion is an attainable purpose and you need to work relentlessly, tirelessly, exhaustively, to be the absolute greatest mom, daughter, spouse and friend you can be, all the while berating yourself because you inexplicably and frequently drop short of the mark.

As soon as a woman starts her creative life she delivers these exact same attitudes and expectations to her art. She only allows herself to paint pretty paintings that are perfect in every way. Paintings that are nice and make men and women smile. She is unwilling to risk disturbing or intense shade or imagery; nothing that’s as well strong or stands out excessive. But painting in this way eventually departs her feeling bored and stifled. Fairly can be wonderful as part of a increased repertoire, but if it truly is all you happen to be permitted to do it eventually turns into either a noose and a cage.

At a sure point in her creative process a woman needs to be willing to ditch the Good Girl by spliting the Good Girl rules. But breaking those rules qualified prospects a woman into the territory of the sexperiencedow side of the Good Girl, the dreaded yet fascinating BAD GIRL!

The Very poor Girl is alive and well in most women’s psyches and is the part of us who is ill and fatigued of the long list of restrictions that hem in her wild and juicy self. She is feisty and daring, complete of audacity and unconcerned to go for what she wants. She is adventurous and courageous, and loves the buzz that comes with taking positive life-affirming pitfalls.

But our dating to her has a strong shame and shadow element so she often gets expressed in way’s that end up hurting us. She is the one who eats the whole container of the mint chocolate chip ice product in one sitting down, who isn’t going to return essential mobile phone calls to irritating loved ones members, who spends funds that she doesn’t have on cgood dealhes or footwear, and who has inappropriate interactions with men or women that usually are not good for her.What I am presenting here is a way to reclaim the Bad Girl energy, by means of painting, that is affirming and positive. To recognize that what we have been contacting undesirable are disowned elements of ourselves that need to be introduced back house.

THE SELFISH GIRL: Unafraid of putting herself very first, of being needy and happy of it, of nurturing herself, of preserving her own energy, of filling her own well, willing to have boundaries, making her own self care her first precedence, willing to be her own good mother, willing to take time just for herself, willing to confront and confused her guilt relating to managing herself.

This is the first Bad Girl to show up when a woman initiatives to have a practical creative life, and the first one I see when a woman wanders in the door of my studio to show up at a painting class. I hear over and over again from these women how much they have misplaced by themselves in taking care of every person else. How tired they are of putting everyone else’s needs first and that they have come to this class because they want to do one thing that has no visual reward to anyone else.

For a woman to be creative she needs to be willing to take time just for herself. She needs uninterrupted classes when she is able to enter her studio, sit down at her pc or her easel, and see what wants to come. She needs to let herself get dreamy, do nothing, stare out the window, and be apparently unproductive. All through these interludes in which she drops into a creative trance she is inviting the muse to enter her and inviting the often magic formula and mysterious motion of her soul to express alone.

In these moments, she starts to face herself through her art. She is able to get tranquil ample so that she can listen deeply and start to inquire some essential concerns this kind of as “What do I think? What do I like? What do I really want? What moves me, brings me satisfaction, makes me feel alive.?” It is a me, myself and I time, a time that needs to be dealt with as sacred and inviolable in purchase to allow those creative juices to flow unimpeded and to eventually turn into a raging, dashing river.

Nonetheless, it’s usually not long before the telephone rings or someone faucets (or somemoments lbs ) on the studio door with the cry of “I need you! And I need you RIGHT NOW!” It could be a friend, a little one, a mother a partner, a work duty, or a pipe that has just sprung a leak. Abruptly, somebody else’s needs become more important than her need to be creative, and the woman is confronted with the eternal woman question.” Do I once again close the door to my studio and turn my back on the needs of my own soul? Do I once again prove how reputable, dutiful, comintimate , caring, self sacrificing, accessible, loving, guilty I am, at the horrible price of my own creative self? Understanding that I’ve the small, and getting more compact consolation of being able to say “Nicely at minimum no person is going to be able to call me selfish!”

THE UGLY GIRL: Willing to buck the tide, to be her own distinct self, to not often conform , to step away from the need for approval, to be willing to risk censure, to step outside of the box of what is appropriate as a woman in this tradition, willing to be bizarre, different, unique, outrageous, bold.

The most common lament or prefer that I hear from my women painting student’s is “But I just want my painting to be lovely.”

For most women, cosmetic is a need, a deep irrational starvation, and an subconscious compulsion. Our id with the need to be beautiful is so great and so ingrained that we hardly, if ever, question it. Attractiveness is the key to the magic kingdom of well- being, contentment and achievement. It is the resource of our value, the make sure of love, our only valid access to power, and on a very deep stage has intended survival itself. Due to the fact so much is at stake, the tension a woman feels to be beautiful and to create something beautiful is substantial.

Our whole relationship to beauty displays up painfully and certainly in the painting process. Even though she is painting, there is always some beauty classic- whether or not she understands it or not- that a woman is striving to live up to. Possibly the ideal is of a painting that is neat and flawless where no errors or messiness, no drips or uneven lines are allowed. Or the idealized eyesight may be one of a painting that is well balanced and symmetrical, a paragon of magnificence, grace, and impeccable good style. In this model of perfection, all the hues should in shape, and can only be in the variety of muted pastels with the total effect being comforting and helpful, like a well put with each other design in a home and yard journal.

What ever the ideal, the energy put into attaining it is relentless. When I watch a woman paint I am always stunned by the passion she has for endlessly fussing over and repairing her paintings. Spontaneity is out of the question. She just takes it for granted that her painting must be well notion out, prepared, and arranged , and under as much of her control as is humanly possible. She is used to not trusting in her own innate beauty, and expects that the quest for beauty will require nonquit work. She never questions the ceaseless dieting and exercise, the several hours invested purchasing for just the appropriate outfit and the stressing over her pores and skin, her hair, her nails. She always has and always will are unsuccessful of the beauty mark and just assumes that beauty is something she will constantly struggle for and rarely, if ever, gain.

The really unfortunate thing is that she sees nothing improper with this fretful and nervous approach to her self and to her ar2rk.This ceaseless and ultimately hopeless striving for the extremely hard ideal is just the norm. It’s really the only thing she has ever known.

These slender constraints of beauty that a woman finds herself tangled in are always some variation on the Good Girl creed. These socially recognized specifications are primarily based on a definition of beauty that is associated to being nice and non threatening, to not standing out too much and conforming to an set norm that is pleasant but not effective. Beauty is related to compliance and convention, to subsequent the rules and to fitting in. The Good Girl beauty ideal means that it’s not OK to just be herself, warts and all. She needs to clean herself up and make herself acceptable.

When a woman is painting, the Unsightly Girl often sneaks in as a mistake or imperfection, a smear or a smudge, something messy or uncontrolled.When the woman attempts to clean up the mess, she finds with increasing horror that the clutter only carries on to grow. She is constantly having specialized calamities. The paint drips or operates, she are not able to control her brush, chaos reigns, and it seems like there is nothing she can do to make it stop.

She is desperate to regain to pretty. In jeopardizing spontaneity, she has located, to her horror, that she has created something that appears severe or loud or imperfect. Or,even even worse, something grotesque or malformed. She busyally tries painting more safe photography, more bouquets, rainbows, calm surroundings . But the flowers develop sharp edges and darkish colors and grow absolutely out of control , the rainbow colors become wildly fluorescent , and the landscapes becomes populated with darkly mysterious designs and statistics .

At this point she has stepped out of the confines of charming and attractive, and into an unidentified landscape of the wild, the untamed the unkempt and matted. This is often the start of a relationship to the inner Sensible Aged Feminine archetype, also known as the Witch. This is the face of the deep feminine that doesn’t care about appearances . After all, the Witch walks around with missing teeth and warts, and clearly doesn’t care what other individuals think. This is an awakening of the factor of a woman’s soul who is no lengthier a slave to approval and who has started to walk down the long road away from woman as product and commodity.

THE FAT GIRL: Willing to be big, be visible, to come out of hiding, to be a woman and not a little lady, to take in space, to be hungry, to say what she wants, to know what she wants, to be full of herself, to be too big for her britches, to be a full grownup, unafraid to say yes! A fat girl isn’t really afraid to take up space and to take her place in the world.

In my studio I offer high top quality paper that is of ample size, but pupils can tape the sheets together to make even larger paintings. It’s a heady time when a woman can let herself distribute out and take up some real space,when she can make a HUGE painting, one that can occasionally cover an entire wall.

Making a huge painting is a dizzying and terrifying prospect, and a woman often needs heaps of encouragement and authorization to take this step. Actually I usually need to nudge her a little. She will start with stating something about MAYBE desiring to go a little larger with her work. She feels something pushing on her, seeking to come through, and so she will ask if it’s OK to use two items of paper alternatively of one. I generously offer to get the paper for her but come back with four pieces of paper, instead of the requested for two. Irrespective how “nice” she is, at this point she is more than willing to make a fuss, to strenuously object about how it’s too much, she could never fill up that much paper, she doesn’t have enough to express, she could not possibly take up that much area in the studio.

But as I continue to calmly pin the four pieces to the easel, nodding supportively, yet disregarding her progressively frantic protestations, I see the gleam in her eye. She wants this possibility to take up space, to proclaim herself in residing color, to be unmistakably considered, but is qualified to not give voice to this desire. I watch her as she struggles with the forbidden excitement of the obstacle, the possibility, the sheer daring of it. The door to a secret longing is creaking open up on long unused and rusted hinges, opening to her hunger to be big, to be bold, to be outrageous, to be visible as completely and completely herself.

THE BITCHY GIRL: Willing to be intense and powerful; unafraid of her own anger, unafraid to discuss up, to take a stand, to have limits and boundaries, unafraid to say NO! Unafraid to battle abuse, refuses to be treated terribly, willing to break connections and walk away from poisonous relationships if it means protective your own wild and valuable self.

An additional major crossroads takes place in the painting process when a woman realizes how offended and enraged she feels and she lets herself express it on paper for everyone to see. However, the feeling of anger is so taboo and so threatening that it’ll usually sneak in the back door as just a little color. Some red or black appears on the internet page and then little by little or by “incident” grows larger than the woman had intended .

As this continues , the artist begins to feel a little uncomfortable. She will stand back from her now unruly painting with a wondered frown and turn to me , saying something like ” That seems awfully angry,” adopted briefly by, “You know, I’m not really angry. I don’t get angry. A little depressed possibly, but never angry.” This is a very precarious moment in the process. I have had women truthfully walk out of the room to get away from this intimation of anger, wear their coat and announce that they really must leave now. I am typically able to coax her back to the painting for the rest of the class, but once she leaves I’ll often never see her again. The real truth of her own angry feelings is just too frightening, the prohibitions too strong, and all I can do at this point is hope for her that sometime she will be able to feel safe enough to take that deep plunge into her own passionate and furious heart .

For the woman who is geared up to take that terrifying yet interesting dive, admitting that she is indeed angry can allow an incredible depth of feeling to come flooding out. All the yrs of saying yes, yes, yes when she needed to say no, no, NO to unreasonable needs, to abuse, to putting her own needs on a perpetual back burner, come out on the paper in a frenzy of paint , of color, and of image.

For one woman it comes out as a brilliant red background, with black words painted effortlessly and starkly to read “I AM SO PISSED OFF!'”. For another , it is a large image of a woman with wildly traveling red hair, bellowing open mouthed and brazen ” What the $#%@ about me!!!”

A sixty year old woman, who has been married to a Methodist preacher for forty several years, surprises herself by painting a warrior goddess in very hot trousers, with a Colt forty five in one hand and a cake spatula (to be used as a whacking weapon when necessary) in the other.

The paintings sometimes represent images that are recognizable out of fantasy, including a snake haired Medusa, and sometimes are expressed as a whirl of color and chaos, populated by weird, otherworldly creatures putting on very large, VERY sharp teeth. But what they all have in common is that they bounce off the page with the ferocity of emotion portrayed. There’s no mistaking the intent powering these paintings which is some version of ” I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it any longer!”

I RECENTLY READ an article in a promoting journal that was caution advertisers away from utilizing the words power or powerful in ads directed in direction of women. The creator of this article wasn’t asking yourself the issue of women’s fret around power, just stating an obvious ( to him) fact that women will not likely buy products that are associated with the language of power.

We’ve a long historical past as women around being disempowered and victimized, and we have internalized this fear of power, of our own power, for way too long. We are living in times of great exchange and uncertainty and it is critical that we reclaim our birthright of power, authority and creative vision to take advantage of the opportunity that we have to recreate the world as a place where our most treasured values can endure.

There are many ways to face and to treatment this power wound, and impending it through our creativity is just one of them. But it’s a good place to start. As my women student’s and I have realized over many years, it’s fairly possible to experience courage, transformation and self love by wielding the firm end of a paintbrush. And breaking our long allegiance to the Good Girl and making it possible for the Bad Girl an commemorated place in our lives is not only therapeutic, but makes life a lot more fascinating and fun!

Copyright © Chris Zydel 2007

The post Women, Painting and Power appeared first on Beautiful Women.

source http://topbeautifulwomen.com/women-painting-and-power/

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