#theyre a different person from me or if its just me repressing myself again

[vaniliens]

Hmmm the more I learn about osdd / other dissociative stuff like that the more im convinced i have it & that i dont have it ❤️

[borderlineangeldisorder]

So catching up with my mental health has also encouraged me to catch up on my physical health. Which in return continues to boost said mental health.

I have borderline personality disorder along with other acronyms such as Adhd Cptsd Ocd Anarexia along with fibromyalgia and the subdivisions of disorders that accompany them ; anxiety depression chronic pain fatigue and a whole other list.

This past year ive gone through more traumatic events due to loving someone who didnt deserve the olive branches they kept burning. But i have learned and i will always be coping with them all.

The happy part is me making the effort to change and Not want to rot away in my room anymore just indulging myself in the pain and misery. Because it loved company and ive been a partner since i turned double digits.

Lack of education from my family even friends our shared ignorance did fuel some of the fires i lit. Like i said ignorance to everything with sex drugs love even what healthy relationships look like due to a history of ignorance and misinformation from my family line; generational curses theyre also known as. Which is for my case so true and it hurts looking back at all i wasnt told about. Especially the warning signs "red flags" to know about. I did not know.

Me being the lover girl i am i did learn the hard way. I became aware of what abuse actually is do to an off chance flier i found at a doctors office. Something in my heart and soul cried out to sneak it home and bury it where my abuser (at the time i wasnt aware that was even the word for them) couldnt find it.

I still remember the way i felt Hope tear up in my eye when i read through the simple 3 page flier. That it confirmed i wasnt crazy like my abuser claimed. That they were hurting me and causing my own mind to be damaged. I learned abuse isnt just being hit ; i learned it was also financially and sexually possible thanks to the words on those pages

There was a checklist going into detail about all those different forms of abuse and when i gained the courage to check off the box it opened my eyes to the truth; that the man who claimed to love me would kill me. Immediately i pushed that realization away repressed it with all the abuse i knew for the past 4 years. It took me another year to finally kick him out and that only worked because i lived with my own parents.

Even still it took me another 4 months and him abducting me holding me against my will to go to the police; nd thats because my parents forced me. I was humiliated and ashamed of loving such a man Of him attacking me abusing me using me and forcing me to do things im still ashamed to admit even here. Ive been in and out of therapy on and off medication for yearssssss and just this past 6 months after processing another traumatic relationship did i wake up one day and pray for strength feeling ashamed the entire time.

I decided to start and write again Even if it was a simple This is what ive done today. Even if it was a single sentence. I wanted to do it for me to get my pent up emotions out before me. I dont reread what i write and i stopped trying to be aesthetic or neat i simple put the pen to paper and let flow whatever comes. It has helped lift the weight of my trauma and loosen the grip ugly thoughts have taken hold of me.

Every day i have to make the choice to not rot and to do something anything. I used to feel this pressure (still do but not to suffocating) that i just had to have everything "together" before i could even enjoy anything at all. Ive learned even doing one thing will encourage my mentality to find one more thing to accomplish.

So far after the past few months (yes months its the most important to force myself still most days but it does get easier and more habitual) of truly trying and putting myself out there Out of my bed ive accomplished

A healthier relationship with food and eating habits

Self care such as simply trimming and filing my nails It encourages me not to rip them apart with my teeth

Showering and bathing more regularly (bubble baths are fun!)

Brushing my hair each morning which is turning into each evening before bed

Brushing my teeth in the morning and before bed which honestly was hard for me to implement because i just want to go to bed

Facial hygiene such as actually removing my makeup before bed and then continuing on to wash my face; this has evolved into applying moisturizer to my face after washing; which has helped encourage me to do am skin care as more moisturizer and sometimes a syrum (i only use one for my pores its a niacinamide syrum and does help me even if its placebo i enjoy it so i dont care) And sunscreen but i do it on sunny days or high iv days (a bit ocd as i have a fear of my face drying and falling off Like trench foot but for dry skin: which i also struggle with) Its become a way to self sooth and helps keep the thoughts at bay that i wont die from the sun)

Speaking of sun i started just simply sitting out in the morning and getting the natural vitamin D only the sun can provide My aim isnt to tan but to help those levels as it does affect my mental health like countless others suffering from SAD. It feels good and i like to cloud watch

Trying to limit my screen time Honestly of course this is Not easy I dont have many friends aside from my sisters who i dont really get to see ; ive deleted netflix hulu I do scroll tiktok but give myself a limit of an hour before bed or its 2am before i can stop myself

Reading reading reading I have the same books for years and still i enjoy the stories It also stimulates my mind my imagination and keeps me off my phone

Listening to music without headphones It helps me stay in the moment and encourages me to clean instead of sitting down and getting sucked into my maldaptive daydreaming Which i did use for years as an escape from my own issues and ignore the reality of what needed to be done Its much more fun to dance around and sing along as i clean or blog here

It seems like a lot and maybe it is But making the decision to change and then actually taking the first move to change myself caused this domino affect of self love self care and continuing on to another change in my life.

Every day theres still the choice i have to make on whether i do something or dont. Some days are harder than others and its extremely important to trust yourself your body and learn the signs on if todays the day to dance around doing the housekeeping or pick up a book and enjoy the sun. Its better to keep it slow and trust yourself instead of accidentally burning yourself out which is discouraging. Im still learning and still lack in other areas I am mentally and Physically chronically ill. I have issues im still working out and it isnt easy

But it is possible and its true when the void says Its up to You. Only You can makr the decision between getting up or staying down. Noone is the same and every one has their own desires dreams goal which is what makes this world beautiful and different and fun between the messes and chaos.

You Can do it even if it feels like you cant

[nbmudkip]

how do kin

im honestly not sure if this is a genuine question or not but ill give you my genuine answer

from what ive picked up, kinning is a broad label and means a lot of different things for people who do it. some people do it just for fun, while others, like myself, adapt it as a coping mechanism for trauma and/or identity issues. for some people, its as simple as simply feeling connected to certain characters on a special level! for other people, it can go as deep as feeling that they are that character, or that they were that character in a past life. it all depends on the individual’s definition and unique experiences.

for me personally, its like...a really deep connection to a certain character that goes beyond just loving and into. encompassing the character. like i see a char i kin and get an overwhelming sense of Oh. Thats Me! for the strongest ones, which i label as id, i have actual memories from another life in which i was that character. theyre an undeniable and inseparable part of myself!

part of the reason why its so strong for me is because kin is a coping mechanism ive picked up to help deal with issues stemming from past trauma. i have ptsd from an abusive childhood as well as issues with vast and disruptive gaps in memory throughout my childhood and early teen years due to my brain automatically repressing memories as a defense mechanism against the traumatic situations i experienced. i also struggle with really bad identity issues stemming from trauma and mental illness, in that i as a person feel incomplete and full of gaps where my personality and individuality should be. kinning for me is a coping mechanism that fills in those gaps in memory and personality. the memories from past lives and personality traits from my kins fill in those gaps in self and help me to feel more like a full fledged person! while i know that it is a possibility that these past lives and memories were generated by my brain solely as a trauma response, theyre very much so real to me, and very much so real parts of me.

once again, kinning is very different for everyone who does it! while my experience with kin is very important to me and directly entwined with my sense of self, many other people do it exclusively for fun and hold very different definitions of what it is, and that’s totally okay. ultimately, it’s down to each individual person to decide whether or not they want to label their experiences and connections with a character as kin. its a matter of personal comfort over everything else.

i hope this helped ease some confusion!

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things that you have experienced, or are currently experiencing?

“The most challenging experience I’m having right now is getting back into the world. Finding myself and place that I’ve lost over my 14 years of addiction. I think I’ve found myself, but I think that is a struggle for a lot of people in the world. Not necessarily somebody who struggles with addiction, but finding who they are as a person, and their being, and their purpose. I’m finding that. Or I think I’ve found that, but I don’t know if anybody finds that throughout their whole life. I’m lucky to be able to have that opportunity—a second chance at life in this recovery road.”

Tell me about the years of addiction, and what maybe contributed to the addiction.

“Well, in high school, not choosing the best group of friends. My father moved away when I was very young. No fault of his own. He had to go to find work in other states, which I now understand as an adult, but at the time I think I was suppressing that loss of him, having to move. He had no choice, he had to.

“For a group of friends, divorce is hard on children. Remarriage is also hard on children. I was very fortunate to have a great stepfather. But that was also challenging. I also experienced a lot of bullying my junior year at Southington High. That, in turn, led me to switch high schools, from Southington High to New Britain High. Although I made it out of there, it was really some hard times for me. I just kept self-medicating.

“Eventually, one high wasn’t as good as the first. I just kept going for that ultimate high, until eventually it caused me to overdose twice.”

Tell me about the times you overdosed. What was that experience like?

“In my first experience I was experimenting with drugs, and I did not know a good mixture. The reality is I was trying to get the ultimate high by mixing pills with antidepressants. It caused a bad overdose and ultimately led to my mother coming in and finding me unresponsive, and an ambulance ride with two vials of Narcan that ended up bringing me back to life. That experience as a whole, being brought in on a stretcher and seeing my family to the right, seeing the ER to the left, seeing the facial expressions on my family members, is something I will never get out of my head. I’ve learned to cope with it.

“Apparently, it wasn’t enough of a wake-up call for me in 2004. My second overdose was in 2009/2010. That experience alone ended up putting me in critical care. All of my bodily fluids had let go. It was a very awakening experience for me. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of my addiction. The second time wasn’t either. But the second time, my nephew had a play that night and I lay there in the hospital bed thinking, now my addiction is not enabling me to be in my nephews’ lives, which I was blind to for so many years prior to that. My addiction had brought me to my knees, and it was now time to wake up and start getting it together.

“It wasn’t until two or three years after that that I started wanting more for myself. But it was a very humbling experience. It was sad. I found myself out and about a week later, getting heroin, and smoking crack again. And again, just suppressing all of those feelings I had had. I felt like I could not stop the vicious cycle. Addiction is a vicious cycle. For many people, it’s hard to find that break. If you do find it, it’s possible.”

What were some of the things you missed out on or lost because of the years of addiction?

“One of the biggest things is time. We as humans, we as people, can get a lot of things back in life. Sneakers, clothes, cars. But the most valuable thing that we as humans can’t get back is time. So if you asked me what the biggest one was, it would be time. I missed out on time with my nephews. Time to get my career off the ground and finances in order. Yes, we can get some of those things back, but we don’t get time back.”

Has forgiving yourself, or even forgiving others, been part of the process of recovery for you?

“Yeah, very big. I’d like to sit here today and say that I one hundred percent wholeheartedly have forgiven myself. Some days I think I’ve got it and I do, and other days I don’t. I think that’s all part of the recovery process. Good days and bad. That’s for anybody. But we as addicts struggle a little more, I feel. Or depression. Whatever somebody is recovering from.

“I believe I’m almost there. It’s a process of forgiving myself. Forgiving others is a process as well. But I understand there were a lot of difficult decisions and situations I put my family in for many years that I was bitter from. It had to eventually come to a point where they had to separate—for themselves. I have forgiven. I have to, because we as adults—cancer survivors, addiction, depression, mental health, whatever you may be recovering from—it’s vitally important that the person who has suffered for so many years gets to a point where they forgive themselves so they can move forward.

“There have been a lot of crying nights, a lot of fist punches to the pillow, a lot of difficult situations I’ve had to play over in my mind as it’s a process, you have to forgive in order to move forward. Some of the situations I didn’t like having to forgive and I still struggle with today. But it’s only going to hold me back. I was very fortunate that I had a family and I still have a family that is allowing me to recover. And it’s allowing me to forgive myself. One of the biggest things my family said to me two and a half years ago was we forgive you. A lot of people don’t get that opportunity. The ones who do, we’re very fortunate. But I’m still told up until last week when I was having a ‘Jenny’ moment, ‘Jenny, we forgive you. You can feel sorry for what you’ve been through, but we forgive you and we’re here.’ And it’s important that you know that so you can move forward.

“So I have to keep replaying that in my head every day. My mother is a second-time cancer survivor, and I tell her, ‘I know you didn’t mean to get sick. Sometimes I think you had to go and get sick,’ and she’ll say, ‘Well, you were sick for years. Allow me time to get well.’ So I forgive. It’s important to forgive. It’s a process.”

It sounds like having your family tell you they forgive you is freeing in some way.

“Absolutely. It’s relieving for me. The guilt was a very big part of what stopped me from moving forward. It was self-medicating, which started in high school, as I said. Self-medicating from bad decisions, bad choices in friends, being bullied out of my own town. But almost a year ago I forgave some of those people in high school, because we were young. We didn’t know. We wanted to be cool. That’s part of me that’s forgiving. But my family. Yes, for them to be able to say Jenny we forgive you, and it’s important that you know that because we want you to be healthy and be here with us. It’s a very big part for me.”

What sort of role do you think guilt and shame have played in your mental health and addiction?

“The stealing that I did from my family, money. Lies. Being someone I wasn’t. I think one of the biggest things is I had many opportunities to come clean with them, and I didn’t. But I can’t change that. I can only move forward from where I am now.

“A lot of the guilt and shame is from where I was living for a long time. Just kind of a reflection of how life was. Facebook does these pop-up pictures from years prior. And a lot of them have been popping up from the last four or five years. It’s been a good reminder. Because I thought I looked healthy back then. I didn’t. To see how far I’ve come. So the guilt, when I see those. I take it as a hard lesson. Thank you for letting me see how I was. But I wasn’t fooling anybody for a long time. I was only fooling myself.”

Would you say that guilt and shame feed the fire of addiction?

“Oh yeah. The guilt and the shame feed the fire. Absolutely. Because people don’t like feeling feelings. Not everybody. But feelings are healthy from what I’ve been learning. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel mad. It’s okay to feel anger, disappointment, and resentment. It’s okay to be uncomfortable sometimes, you know? That’s good. But for many years, the guilt was feeding all of that and suppressing my way of life.”

All those years of repressing and suppressing those feelings that made you uncomfortable—did they go away, or were they still there when you got sober? And have you had to move through them?

“Those feelings are still there. They’re always going to be there. But I have learned a different way of life and a different way of learning how to manage those feelings and deal with them without having to numb myself from those feelings. Therapy. Yoga. Meditative coloring is my favorite. Love that. So I’ve learned ways to deal with those feelings. They’re always going to be there. But I think at the end of the day, as I was saying earlier, forgiveness plays a very big role in that. Knowing that if you forgive yourself, then everything after that kind of comes into order.

“Forgiving yourself is probably one of the biggest steps in recovery, because after that, your mind, body, and soul know that you have forgiven the most important person in your life. And that’s you. Me. The one who suffered for so many years. Everyone else did suffer, but it gives a sense of relief in my body that I can move forward instead of dealing with those feelings when I’m numbing myself and feeling guilty.”

I’ve talked to many people who are recovering from a wide variety of issues, and one of the recurring themes is that people tend to cause more suffering and pain to themselves than what initially led them to try to escape those feelings in the first place. Would you say that’s true?

“I agree with that. Absolutely. Eventually what happens is you keep suppressing, suppressing, suppressing, rather than dealing with the issues at hand. Eventually it’s two or three years later and time, we don’t get back, but we can always make more time. That leads to suppressing rather than just dealing with the issue at hand. It’s important that people such as myself, you, who have started this Hearts of Strangers, to be able to give people the opportunity to do this. To be able to share their experiences and know you don’t have to go two, three, fourteen years like I did. I would like to not say it’s a waste of time, but I feel if I heard these stories, with what you do and put it out there for people. A lot more people such as myself would have come out a lot earlier.”

You mentioned the realization that you were missing out on your nephews’ lives. What else contributed to the awakening you needed to make some changes?

“I saw my friends getting married and having children. And I wanted that. I always wanted that for myself. I still want that for myself, and I know at the right time it will come. But that was one of the biggest factors, missing out and wanting to be a productive person in society. I was missing out.

“Many nights I would break night and I would hear the birds come up and start chirping. Breaking night is just awful. And I would get in my car from wherever I was and look out the window, and I’d see people going by in their cars to work, to their lives. And I wasn’t being a productive person in society. I wasn’t playing a good role for myself, for my family, for my loved ones. I wanted more for myself, which I hope that before too many lives are lost to this vicious cycle of addiction that people get the opportunity, like I have or you have, because it is possible to live happy and healthy without being under the substance of an addiction, or a drug or alcohol.”

How important do you think connection is in finding a sense of purpose and meaning and moving forward in your journey?

“There are many important roles played in recovery, and that is one of the number ones. It’s very important. Networking. Yeah, I think it’s very important. Finding a sense of purpose and reaching out.”

When things are good but also when things are bad.

“Absolutely. Life is about finding a balance, and I think finding a balance for anybody, even someone who doesn’t have an addiction or struggle, is challenging. What is right? What is wrong? A lot of people say right when the person thinks they got it, they don’t. You’re always learning something new. I think finding the right balance and being comfortable where you are, in a comfortable setting. Finding what’s comfortable for you and then going for it. For me personally, yoga. I’m thinking about getting into kickboxing again. I’ll be the first one to say the best high in the world is getting the endorphins going and working out. That’s one of the biggest things that pulled me out in recovery. I’m a big softball player. Getting out there and being able to cream some softballs is a good feeling for me.”

So doing the things you enjoy doing must really make you feel good. You’ve been able to network and build relationships.

“Yes. And I’ve also been able to repair a lot of relationships as well. Recovery University was a very big opportunity for me. I met a lot of kind people there. For me I was kind of twisting in the air. And again, trying to find the right direction in life. Ultimately in the end, my addiction ended up saving me, if that makes sense.

“Networking, such as people. Reaching out, such as people to you. Or friends, such as yourself. To be able to sit here with you and do this is therapy for me. It’s recovery for me. This is a great high. Networking is very important, like I said. I’m also doing Narcan classes. That’s not a resolution. That’s standing in the gap. But for me to be able to do that and give people a second chance at life. Networking with Greater Hartford Harm Reduction Coalition, my friends up there or you. NA. AA. As they say, one hand washes the other. I feel that it’s been a challenge, but I’m starting to experience it in this recovery world. There was a time when I didn’t want to go anywhere. I just stayed in my house. I was clean and I wasn’t using, but I wasn’t living.

“It was because of networking, from one mouth to another, and seeing the support. There is a lot of support in the recovery world. There definitely is. You have to be very careful and choosy, but yeah, networking has played a very big part in my life.”

Did you find it difficult to reach out for help, and to find the resources that have been beneficial to you?

“In the beginning, I wasn’t trying. In all fairness, it hasn’t been challenging for me. I don’t know if a little bit of my personality has to do with it. I was always very outgoing. But it’s been fairly easy for me to find support in the recovery community and reaching out.

“I know it’s hard for some to reach out more than for others. But if you want to live this recovery road, walk this recovery road, I will tell anybody, don’t let any person, place, or thing stop you. You keep reaching out, because it may be the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth person who does not help you, but I guarantee when you get to the sixth or seventh, you’ll find him. Keep trying.

“For me it hasn’t really been much of a struggle. I’m very fortunate. I have a loving family that just when I gave up on me, had to love me from afar. But I have some encountered some really wonderful friends and great support over the years.”

It sounds like you have a lot of unconditional love and support in your life.

“I do. And a lot of people aren’t as fortunate as me. And for that my heart goes out even harder for them.”

Is that what inspires you to reach out and be part of the community of helping others who may be going through some of the same obstacles that you’ve faced?

“Absolutely. Because although it is going on almost three years now of having those feelings. I have recovery dates for certain things that I stopped along the way. But all in all, about three years. Those feelings, like we said earlier, they never go away. But those feelings of loneliness, the feelings of craving a high or drug to just make you feel normal. All of those feelings will impact me for the rest of my life. I’m never going to forget where I came from. I know where I’m going, and I’m not close to where I want to be, but I’m a lot farther than I was. That makes me want to get out there and empathize with people as humans. The sick and still suffering. To be able to help them. I recently, in the past four months, got into working for Aware Recovery Care. And their treatment approach is wonderful. But anyone out there who is in this service or in this field, whether you’re getting paid or not, has to have a passion and know what one has gone through. Even if they don’t, it’s never bad to lend a helping hand and help somebody. So, my past experience is what is driving me to help people in recovery.”

Have you faced stigma at all in having the history and past that you have? Do you still encounter that?

“Yeah. I encountered a year ago, I went to an NA meeting and I had mentioned that I was on methadone, which is a medication that got me to a stable point of not being sick, living a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Healthy, honest, productive person of society. I had mentioned that I was on that, and somewhere in between the temporary sponsor that I had. I don’t know where she missed that big vital point of that happening, I wanted to start being a door greeter and taking commitments and working the steps. And it was passed onto me by this temporary sponsor that I could not start or take any step work or commitments until I was off my methadone, because that is not considered being clean.

“So that was a very big stigma and big prejudice that I felt. That, in turn, pushed me away from going to my meetings and pushed me away from my networking for a good six or seven months until I talked to a couple of people at RU, and they said, don’t let that stop you. I may say this angry right now, but I can voice it. Until you have a PhD after your name, then we’ll talk. For me, it’s what works for me. I’ll never be the type to sit there and tell someone, ‘You’re not clean because you’re on a medication that is being prescribed for abuse.’ Especially if you’re tapering off. But it’s what works for that person.”

You’re mentioned RU, Recovery University, a few times. Tell me what that is.

“Recovery University is part of Advocacy Unlimited. It’s a nonprofit organization that accepts anybody who has a co-occurring disorder, depression, addiction, to allow them to get an 80-hour certification in the state of Connecticut, to be able to work with individuals who have co-occurring depression, addiction, alcoholism, and be able to work in the field of addiction services. Anybody recovering from something, but addiction services mostly, mental health. And be an advocate for them. Help them on their recovery journey. The thing I like best about RU is I never thought I would be able to go to a university for something that almost killed me and made me hide for years. Then I could go to school for it and get a certification and be sitting here and working in the field. But along with the RU certification, I did some networking. I met some wonderful people along the way.”

It sounds like an organization, or a concept such as Recovery University, makes it possible for people who have lived experiences to then be a support to others who are still going through it. It sounds like a way to turn something negative and painful, something that may be been a weakness in your life into a strength, something you could be proud of. Something that had value and you could offer it to others to help them. I think it’s huge in shifting the perspective of the 14 years or so that you spent using.

“Recovery University . . . well, my biggest accomplishment prior to that was graduating high school. And that was a struggle for me, because of having to switch high schools and because of the bullying experiences I had. But the second was graduating from Recovery University, and having that diploma, having my father come. And having that certification and being able to turn a negative into a very big positive. And being able to stand on a stage in front of all of these people who are all fighting for the same cause. For so many years when I thought I was alone, I knew that there were people out there feeling the way I was, but I realize in-depth that I never really was alone. I’m not alone now, which is a good feeling to know.”

You mentioned in the beginning of this interview some of the things that may have contributed to your addiction. Your father moving away at a young age, moving away, changing schools, your parents going through a divorce, remarriage, and also being bullied. Where there other traumas or experiences that may have contributed to not having the coping skills needed to deal with those issues?

“Yeah, for a long time, from the age of 10 probably up to my early or late teens, I always knew that something wasn’t right with my mom. But I also didn’t know that she was suffering from addiction at the time as well. I was blind toward it, but I knew something wasn’t right with her, and her behavior, but I was given a lot of free time to come and go. There were rules. I wouldn’t say a bad thing about my mother today. She did a good job. She saved me twice from overdose and raised a kind, gentle, loving woman—myself. I think a lot of that had to do with it.

“As time went on, I started self-medicating and not acknowledging issues and speaking how I felt. Again, I don’t mean to keep going back to the bullying in high school, but that ultimately ended up being the biggest factor in my 14 years of addiction. Had that not happened, I think I would have been able to acknowledge some things at home that were bothering me, and worries that I had. My mother wasn’t ready to come and admit it yet. That goes along with people—when they’re ready, they’re ready. You can’t force anyone into recovery. A person has to want it. Now it’s almost 16 years that she’s been clean. So I think that had a big factor to do with it.”

It sounds like instability in your home life, and your role models weren’t modeling the healthiest coping skills for whatever challenges they were facing. So you didn’t really have the resources or access to coping skills that may have helped you avoid drugs and that path.

“Well no, that’s not really accurate. I always had what I needed. I was always well taken care of. Beautiful home, clothes, but that’s not all that a lot of people need. She never, an example of my mom. One day I swung on a 3 and 0 and you never swing on a 3 and 0 in softball or baseball, but I did, and I had two RBIs. The coach walked off the field and quit. So we didn’t have a coach to proceed and my mother was the one to get off the bench and said, ‘Okay, I’ll coach.’

“So I did have support. I did have endless love that I still do today. But there was part of me that could see that my mom still was not healthy. So subliminally in my teens, I just started smoking pot, drinking beer. Addiction is a disease. Now I know that later on in life. I had lots of support, a loving sister, family. But I think that did play a smidgen in my self-medicating.”

Thank you for saying that, because I think a lot of times we think addiction looks a certain way or there is a recipe for addiction. There are plenty of people who are professionals living in beautiful homes, driving expensive cars. From the outside it looks very cookie cutter and that they have everything that they could possibly need. There are still mental-health issues or addiction issues. I’m glad you corrected me and said that, because I think it’s really important.

“Yes, it is important. A lot of people think ‘She’s got the best Nikes on and Abercrombie and oh, their life is great.’ But until you live in those four walls, eight wall, ten walls—a mansion—you don’t really know what’s going on inside people’s homes.

“Again, hats off to my mother. When people are born, they don’t come with an instruction manual. I sure gave her a run for years. But I’m glad we’re all here to enjoy each other and live prosperous, healthy years to come.”

It sounds like you’re at a place in your life when you can acknowledge that your mother and father did the best they could. I myself was able to come to that place in my journey. And it was very freeing to let go of that resentment and the blaming sometimes that happen. It starts when you’re a teenager. You wish your parents were something different than what they were. You think you were going without. Then you realize that they are people too. They are doing the best that they can.

“Yeah, absolutely. Just to go back on my father moving away. At the age of 12 or 13, I felt like he up and left me. He always said, ‘Jennifer, I had a very tough decision to make. I had to make money.’ For many years, which led to me self-medicating was my father moved away, and he had other children. Here I am and it was bitter. Suppressing and suppressing. But little did I know that my father was suffering from alcoholism out there. He was having depression. Clinical depression. Do I wish that there were more attempts made on his part and mine? Yes. But for the first time in 20 years I just had Christmas with him. It’s a wonderful feeling. Relationships and family take a lot of work. That’s why communication is one of the biggest things in life.”

It sounds like there’s a lot of honesty now in that communication.

“Yes, there is. I didn’t realize what he was dealing with while in Michigan and Illinois. And I can only imagine that divorces can be tough. For him to be how many states away trying to communicate with a teenager, me at the time. And for him to know that I was BSing him the whole time and there was really nothing he could do about it. I feel more of an attempt could have been made by him to reach out. But also, I wasn’t being honest with him. And I wasn’t honest with him for 14 years. Even when I became an adult.

“It’s a process. Recovery is a process, and it’s going to be a process for the rest of my life. But I now have tools and wonderful people to network. And a support safety net that I can go to. I’m very confident with that.”

What sort of role does spirituality play in this journey for you in recovery?

“I’m happy you asked that. I would always call on God when I was in trouble. ‘Oh, God, please don’t let me get pulled over.’ I didn’t realize until maybe a year ago that I would only call on him when I was in trouble. So for a while it didn’t sit easy with me. I felt hypocritical to him. Spirituality for me, I’m still in the process of working on that. I’m working on that. I know that my spirit is what’s most important, and I’ve got to work on keeping that spirt alive and torched up, and it goes down sometimes. I’m working on that spirituality aspect. I had a little glimpse of spirituality on my way out to Illinois, which was very ironic going to see my father. There was a priest walking around the boarding area and there was nowhere to sit, so I said, ‘Father, would you like my seat?’ and he said, “No, no, no, I’m okay. Thank you.’ And I didn’t want to push it so I said, ‘Okay, happy holidays.’ So on the returning flight I see him sitting in the same area as me getting ready to go back to Bradley. So I said, ‘Hi, Father. Did you have a good Christmas? Do you remember me?’ because I had a hat on going out. And he goes, ‘I remember you. You’re the nice young lady who offered me your seat on the way out, and it made me feel good to know that there are still people out there doing nice charity work.’ And as little as that was, we got into a discussion of how cold the world can be today. I shared very briefly what I could about my addiction and my struggles. It was almost a sign that he was on that plane, because it’s one of the things that I’m working on right now. My spirituality, my religion, my beliefs. We ended up exchanging phone numbers. When he’s done with his travels, I’d like to go see him and get more in depth with my spirituality. So it was just kind of weird how that happened.”

What are some things that enhance your spirit when you are feeling depleted?

“A lot of what my spirit is is to not want to go back to the way I was living. Early on in my recovery my higher power was my nephews. Everyone says whatever your higher power is, even if it’s that tree, whatever you believe in you believe in. My nephews were a very big part of my life and a lot of the guilt I carried was, up until they were about 9 and 10, I was in their lives consistently. And then when addiction started to kick off, I wasn’t. So they were my higher power for spirituality. Now, what keeps me going every day is the remembrance of not wanting to go back and live that way. My body is healthy. My mind is clear. I’m actually okay in my own skin now.”

It’s seems like you’re looking in the rear-view mirror now. Seeing you’re in a better place gives you strength to move forward.

“Keeping it green a little bit. Remembering where I came from. Not so much that it hinders me every day, but knowing I’m not going back there again. I’m not going back there. To be able to have this opportunity today to sit here and to be able to answer these difficult questions, that aren’t so difficult for me to answer right now. But back then, I would have been dodging everywhere. To be able to sit here in an art gallery and be able to share with you. These questions that humble me and brought me to my weakest point for several years. To see how far I’ve come.”

What have you learned about yourself in these years that you were battling addiction, even in the years that followed in your recovery?

“I’m learning a bit more about myself every day. I think we all do that as people. But one of the biggest things is that I’m kind, and I’m a good person. Although I felt like I lost that for years, my self-worth. To know I have all of these people behind me who love me and support me is enough to keep me going. I learned that every day is not going to be a good day. There are going to be days that are bad. But it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel things without numbing yourself. It’s a cleansing.”

You talked earlier about how it’s part of being human to be upset, to be angry, to be uncomfortable. I can relate to that, because I think the things that make us uncomfortable lead us to check out and be numb with whatever we use, whether it’s television, phones, shopping, sex, gambling, smoking, drugs, alcohol, food—we all do something to take that edge off. What I’ve learned in my recovery is that when you learn to sit with what makes you uncomfortable, without armoring up, without checking out, without numbing, you make peace with it. Then you no longer have to run from it. You’re no longer dodging it.

“And forgiveness. Learning to forgive yourself little by little.”

We’ve talked about a lot of different components, and recovery, your own personal recovery journey. I want to talk about the role that self-love plays in this for you. Maybe in comparison to where you were in your addiction. Where are you today with self-love?

“It’s still a work in progress. I was struggling with addiction for 14 years. I’m not going to come out of all of those feelings I had in three. Self-love? I do love myself a lot more than I did back then. Knowing that I have people behind me makes me love myself even more. I always had that love. But I was just so numb to it for years. So knowing I have all of that behind me makes me want to love myself more.

“Doing work such as working with individuals. People in general make me love myself. One of my biggest struggles today is being too kind and not keeping enough kindness for myself. Loving everybody else and putting Jenny last.

“I have a lot of love for myself. I’m getting there. Some days are better than others, but I know when I lay my head down at night, one of my father’s favorite sayings is, ‘When you lay yourself down at night and close your eyes, it’s only you and your mind in there. You and your body.’ When I lay down at night, I have a good conscience. I know I did the best that I could throughout my day. I know I wasn’t hurting anybody, including myself. And I’m working on being pure.

“I have a lot of great qualities that I was told about for years, but I’m working on that. I love myself more than I did back then. It’s an everyday process. But I know I’m a good person. And I’m wholehearted. That’s what keeps me going, along with other components.”

That touches upon something I’ve learned and share when I have the opportunity to speak. When we avoid making ourselves uncomfortable and we numb ourselves and self-medicate, protect ourselves from being hurt, we end up closing ourselves off from the joy, the beauty, and the love and support that are there. You mentioned that you had love around you all that while, but you just couldn’t see it because you were in the state that you were in.

“Yeah, my mental state—numb, numb. I couldn’t feel anything. I feel things today, which is good.”

It’s part of being human, right? Feeling things.

“That definitely plays a big role in it [laughs]!”

Is there a favorite quote or a mantra or song lyric, or a piece of advice that someone has shared with you over the years, that you would like to share today?

“There’s a Subaru commercial. There’s a girl singing in the commercial. I can’t think of the song right now, hold on, it’s coming to me: ’take back my life song.’ You know what I’m talking about? That’s my song. Sorry I can’t remember the name of it. That’s it. There are a lot of words and lyrics in that song.”

I want to say it’s called “Fight Song”

“That’s it! Fight Song.”

What does it mean to you?

“The word fight. I’ve got a lot of fight in me. Prove I’m all right song. It’s not just proving I’m all right to other people, but to myself. I’ve always loved music, dancing. Music as a whole inspires me. The Right Song. That’s it.”

How has it felt to talk about these feelings and experiences with me today?

“It’s a great high. It’s a wonderful high. The reason why it’s such a wonderful high is because my body can feel, and my mind knows that this isn’t BS. I’ve said these similar words to people over the years. But when I would drive away or lay down at night, I knew that they weren’t real. To be able to sit here today, wholeheartedly, clean, not under any substance, feeling this, has been a wonderful experience for me. It’s been a great high. And I thank you for the opportunity.”

Do you think it’s possible by sharing your experience and your journey in this way that it could potentially inspire someone else who may be listening to it or reading?

“Absolutely. One hundred percent. I stand by one hundred percent the work that you’re doing, the work that we’re all doing for everybody who’s trying to help people by sharing their stories on this recovery road. Whether it’s just one word, one phrase, one picture, it can save somebody’s life, and it can really change and alter their way of thinking dramatically. And as I has said earlier in the interview, networking. This is therapy for me. Sharing my story. If I didn’t network, I wouldn’t have met you. If it wasn’t for Recovery University, I wouldn’t have met you. So it’s all about networking. Getting out there, striving for something that you want in life. Not having to go back and live that way. Having this opportunity today with you is therapy for me. I don’t even know if there is a price I could pay for a therapy session such as this.”

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

[ixxixixxi]

fuk

my best friend now is telling me how shes eating kiwi and she may be mildly allergic to it but she likes it anyway and it reminded me of my best friend in 8th grade who i was mildly in love with who would eat oranges but she was def allergic and her mouth would get blotchy and sting and her tongue would get itchy and she’d run around fanning at herself but liked oranges too much to stop and im pretty sure the first time i saw her do that was idk if the first but def one of the most memorable memories i have of her i think because i realized i was def in love with her and wanted to kiss her but sdkjfhshjdfsf obviously my repressed little ass did Not do that bc i just am not sjdhfshdf someone who wants to tell people i like that i like them esp not her but anyway i shdjfhsdf 

i just got rly sad and then it also really does not help that lately ive been wondering like am i also kind of in love with this friend???? i dont know i genuinely dont know??? sometimes im like no theres no way bc its just not the same as jhdfshjd with other people but at the same time the two times im somewhat certain i was in love before didnt feel exactly the same either but this i mean with this friend i ?? am i repressing my own feelings, am i too scared to let myself feel that?? i dont know and if i did feel that would i want to tell her I DEFINITELY DONT know about that either 

and like one of my biggest fears is it turning out that im just lonely and pushed romanticized daydreams onto her bc shes like the only person i talk to and if that was the case i could never tell her that and hurt her somehow or make things weird bc like a few years ago she tolkd me shdjsahds shjdsad hsshdjhshdh yknow........ she felt that ffffff for me but we dhfsjhd i was i  was just i literally at the time wasnt even processing romantic feelings like i was just rejecting them left and right whenever i felt them and not letting myself think abt that stuff at all and i literally was going through a crisis like am i ace?? am i just aromatnic?? but since then i think i settled on the fact that i probably am not aro im def bi in p much all aspects but i have so much anxiety and intimacy issues bc of my garbage father that the idea of someone else liking me makes me want to be sick a little bit.... which is something i still have not let myself think too hard about bc i feel like itll open an entirely new part of my insecure brain that i dont want to face probably...BUT ANYWAY. 

flirting is so good and fun but its also awful bc it makes me like people and then the thought of them liking me genuinely and not just joking around makes my stomach turn and idk if its in a bad way or good way yknow?? i remember there was also this girl i liked before (ok what the hell i swear i typically like guys more and end up crushing on them more often than girls but all my crisis’ are over girls....why? also idk why im so fixated on which gender i like more often when im still attracted to literally anyone regardless of gender despite gender factoring into how my attraction feels....is this internalized biphobia) who as soon as she proclaimed her love 2 me i was immediately shaken and couldnt talk to her out of fear AND ALSO like she was sort of manipulative and awful sometimes which led to me not liking her but still the fact that as soon as she said she liked me i felt sick and scared and like couldnt speak to her why. why????

anyway what was i saying oh yeah idk THE FRUIT THIGN. it made me sad. it reminded me of when i realized i loved my 8th grade best friend and lately ive already been thinking about if im in love with this best friend or if im just hdfjhsfd i dont know i dont know what the fuck WOULDNT I KNOW FOR SURE THO if i was like wouldnt it be a definite yes or no? so since it not that must mean im not and im just being dhfjsdhf weird right?? am i just feeling extra gay lately and am projecting it on her? do i just want attention??? 

i dont know what the fuck is going on but i care abt this friend way too much to fucking mess with her emotions in any way and like i dhjfhjdf when she talks about this guy she liked i would get jealous sometimes but im not a very jealous person so its not like jshdhjsf intense jealousy but is that bc i dont rly like her and im just jealous of her giving attention and wanting to talk all the time to someone else OR am i jealous bc she liekd him i genuinely DONT KNOW? bc like sometimes i wouldnt be jealous tho except i still would be but hjsdjhsdf i dont know. do you see? i cant even understand my own intentions behind feelings. also like when things were going poorly between them i would get rly upset for her and definitely not happy about them not getting along, not even a little bit and if i liked her wouldnt i be glad shes talking to me instead of him? not rly tho bc 1 i would never want someone i like in any way be it romantic or platonic to be on bad terms with someone they care about, even if it benefits me somehow or makes them hang out with me more, thatd be awful and i get why other people feel that way sometimes but im grateful that i dont, and 2 i dont get jealous that way, the only time i get jealous is if someone is completely changing their attention from me to another person entirely, but if i still have some of their attention and theyre also friends/into/etc someone else its not rly an issue at all for me but is that bc thats just how my jealousy works?? or would it be different if i did love her in that way aND LIKE AM I CONFUSIGN romantic love with platonic love and ?? what the fuck

the thing is with a romantic partner i’d mostly just wanna do platonic things anyway?? and the only time i think of s** is in relation to my kinks which is weird i guess but shdfsjhdf i dont picture anything like that with someone i’d be romantically attracted to...do i? i dont know? ive never thought about it? in all my daydreams/fantasies/etc whoever im involved with s*xually hasnt ever been anyone specific just like a mix of everything im attracted to but isnt that normal? but then again love was definitely not involved in any of those fantasies, oh god. then again thats just ?? stuff in my head its not an indicator of what i’d like or be like in reality right with another person I >SDF?SDF SD?F AAAA what the fuck. 

maybe all of this will become clearer to me when i move the fuck out and am able to be myself and think clearly without worrying about what my idiot parents or brother will say abt anything i express. then again moving out seems like it will be another lifetime away, it doesnt even seem like a possibility right now which makes me want to fckn kneel over and die. AAAAA WHATEVER BYE

what the fucdjksdcsdkjsd i hate being a person with weird undecipherable emotions i wish i was a fucking dog or raccoon or god damn ROCK