#they're both holding back a little. they got hangups

[dlsintegration]

Using @iwtvfanevents's a meal to remember event as an opportunity to celebrate some of the sickos beautiful authors in this fandom 🧡 here's a list of some of my favourite recommendations, all of them Louis-centric and/or involving louis in a major fashion.

I will also be adding a song that I associate to each of them!!

🐺Leslou🐑

canon/semi-canon compliant

Pour (E) by baberainbow / @baberainbowao3: Kicking this list off with one of my all times favorite, manages to capture their voices perfectly. You'll never go wrong with one of babe's fics, they're all canon in my head 🧡

song: holy terrain - fka twigs

Glass (E) by baberainbow / @baberainbowao3: Melting just thinking about this one. I can never be free of them.

Pieta (E) by baberainbow / @baberainbowao3: Gabrielle gives lestat something he needs and gives louis something he didnt know he needed 🧡 Gabrielle is so kind 🧡

song: let go - tinashe

song: mary magdalene - fka twigs

Tides (E) by @nlbv: Tides my best friend. had to stare at my ceiling for at least 10 minutes after that one and it doesn't lose its impact no matter how much I come back to it. Masterful grasp on both louis and lestat's characterization and the toxicity that permeates their relationship.

song: tear you apart - she wants revenge

Roadkill (E) by @baberainbowao3 and @nlbv: TELL THE AVENGERS TO PACK IT THE FUCK UP. This is the most ambitious crossover of our generation. Roadkill my wife my beloved my soulmate. Read it so many times i've managed to convince myself it was canon. and it is. What is a family meant for if not for going to the circus, commiting horrifying acts of violence and making plans for the future 🧡

song: savage good boy - japanese breakfast

someone buy me roses (E) by indigostohelit: Perfect dialogue, impeccably true to their characters, illustrates louis' religious hangups and repression in a subtle funny and intimate way.

song: save a prayer - duran duran

Amour Rouge (E) by revengefrnnk: Louis exploring femininity. Big big fan of putting that man in lingerie personally. 10/10 certified s1 deleted scene to me.

song: blood and butter - caroline polachek

AUs

Reformation (E) by verseau / @greedydemands (MODERN AU): The sacred texts. We all remember where we were. 10/10 will make you go through the full range of existing human emotions. I laughed. I cried, a number of times. I sweat, I danced. I got... a shot, I ate and... I had many epiphanies.

song: heaven - shygirl / be sweet - japanese breakfast

hold me tight, & fear me not (E) by boltcutters / @wordforworldisforest (TAM LIN AU): Me when I find a beautiful fairytale book in the evil yaoi section. Read if you love beautiful writing and if you want to find out what happens to lost little lambs that stray from the path.

song: i cant breathe - gwsn

Part of Your World (E) by weathermood / @weather-mood (LITTLE MERMAID AU): I never know where to start when praising POYW, from how real and alive the world feels to the sense of tragedy permeating Louis and Lestat's entire relationship, to how much it's made me miss the sea. Oh and also the monsterfucking ❤️

song: like real people do - hozier / sea, swallow me - cocteau twins

House of Gold (E) by dirtygoldensoul / @revolution-starter : I don't usually read A/B/O fics but I love this one so much, for many reasons, the main one being how bad the family dynamics get me... Can't recommend it enough 🧡

song: work song - hozier

Like a Heathen clung to the Homily (E) by @thelioncourts (SEX CLUB AU): One of my favorite insights into Louis' internality and his lingering religious trauma, and how it still affects him, chapter 4 almost made me cry... Can't wait to see where it goes next.

song: after dark - mister kitty

🥀Loumand🎭

canon/semi-canon compliant

dirges (E) by boltcutters / @wordforworldisforest: Can't make my way into loumand territory without mentioning my beautiful wife dirges. Ziska if you read this know that you will be dealt with shortly. Loumand bed death allegation hours: CLOSED FOREVER.

song: posing in bondage - japanese breakfast

Alluvium (E) by serpenstkirts / @knifeeater: The best way I can describe Laïs' fics and how they make me feel would be to liken the experience to drowning into a lake and being grateful for the dark water filling your lungs. This fic is about eroticized latex gloves and finger sucking btw.

song: only seeing god when i come - sega bodega

vanishing point (E) by serpentskirts / @knifeeater: Motorcycle sex as religious experience. Day 67 of my campaign to get Laïs in that writing room.

song: sunset - caroline polachek / nascar - stella smyth

Selfsame (E) by @vampdf: 70s LOUMAND CRUISING ERA MY BELOVED. Number 1 on the list of the crimes Eli has to answer for. 1000/10. Died five separate times reading this. Rolin look at me. Rolin dont listen to AMC. You need this in s2. It is crucial that we get this. Louis deserves it.

song: a pill to crush - evelyn / sulk - tr/st

Prey Drive (E) by The_Lame_Goat / @iwtvdramacd18: Speaking of loumand's 70s insane bdsm practices 💔💔💔 s2 script just leaked. Is your eternal vampire marriage hitting a rough spot? Try our newest predator/prey large-scale roleplay!

song: lullaby - the cure / on the run - kelela

Mark Deep (E) by The_Lame_Goat / @iwtvdramacd18: Goat you have my blood on your hands. No added commentary needed actually. The damage this fic has done to me is irreversible. Read if you want some more quality t4t loumand insanity.

song: pang - caroline polachek

Rumpelstiltskin (E) by weathermood / @weather-mood: Most normal loumand roleplay night. Louis wakes up in a tower. I literally refuse to say anything else until you all read it for yourself and go through the sheer range of emotions I've went through when first reading it. #Their princess/captor slay is real and alive and thriving. This fic is also part of the NMHMRGPINE (No Matter How Much Rashid Gets Paid It's Not Enough) verse btw.

who is she ? - i monster / big bad wolf - shakey graves

AUs

the night island (E) by @vampdf (MAFIA AU): I don't know much but I know Armand was made to be a mob boss and Louis was made to be a mob wife. One of the most insanity-inducing byproducts of the career dom s2 teaser Armand scene(tm).

song: bitch bites dog - cecile believe

🚬Armand/Louis/Daniel📚

thy fearful symmetry (E) by mothmaiden: 70s era. One of the flrst iwtv fics I ever read. Never left my mind since. Delicious dynamics between the three of them, got me gasping and covering my mouth many times. Can't recommend enough.

song: soul control - jessie ware

Little Kidnaps in the Dark (E) by @gayvampiredivorce : The damage little kidnaps has wrought on my crops, my mental health, my friends and family can NOT be overstated. Masterful interpretation of the evolution of their relationship and dynamics through the haze of vampiric existence. Anne could never have done this.

song: when the sun hits - slowdive

Lethe series (T/E) by serpentskirts / @knifeeater: Quite simply one of my favorite series not only in that tag but in general. Every sentence Laïs writes pulls me into a dark void that I hope I'm never getting out of.

song: hopedrunk everasking - caroline polachek

🖤Lestat/Louis/Armand/Daniel💀

Good to Love / Ruthless in Love (M) by themasterletters / @brightfelon (MODERN AU): Reading Toni's fics makes me feel like im a teen again, waiting anxiously for updates and calling up all my friends to scream and , am in love with all of Toni's readings of the characters but his Louis truly gets me. That fic doesn't only live rent free in my head it's also led me places I wouldnt go to with a gun. I have seen the best minds of my generation led to madness by toni's loumand. btw.

song: career boy - dorian electra / genghis khan - miike snow

Lestat/Louis/Armand

A Potentiality for Corruption (E) by @vampdf: The thing is. I can't talk about Eli's fics without talking about Potentiality. However. Talking about Potentiality also happens to send me into a state of delirious hysterics. Daphne Du Maurier found dead in a ditch. Charlotte Brontë shaking and crying. Guillermo Del Toro found jobless. There's a new Gothic classic in town.

song: ptolemaea - ethel cain

[angel-atelier]

Alice & Ann

I was refamilarizing myself with zero since I only remembered some of her backstory, and I found out that her best friend was named Ann, which got me thinking...

⦻ So, in my AU Alice and Ann are college roommates who have a very love-hate relationship. They're eachothers only friends but they don't particularly like each other. They wouldn't be friends if they weren't roomates.

⦻ Ann took a gap year so she feels really behind compared to her peers, she doesn't know how to connect with other freshmen and people her own age seem unapproachable. They're so much more mature, they have this college thing all figured out meanwhile Ann's left in the dust.

⦻ Alice is a psychology student and Ann is in nursing with a psych minor, so they have a few over lapping classes which doesn't help with their tension. They feel they can't branch out and make new friends because they other one is "holding them back." This isnt true of course, they both just don't know how to make friends lol

⦻ Despite this, they do really love and care for eachother, they just aren't that emotionally developed to express their issues without being petty or getting in big fights. They are all each other has, they can't afford to not be friends.

⦻ Alice also has her own hangups that exasperate her mental health. Alice's uncle and caretaker lives nearby, so she visits him on some weekends. Before college, her mental state was the worst it's ever been, and it seems to suddenly stop when she goes to college. She does get better briefly, but it does it last for long. She never put in the work to better herself or even acknowledge the issues she had pent up for so long. She begins talking to Zero again. She's her only real friend, she tells her. Ann is just holding you back, pretending to be your friend. You can't trust her.

⦻ So after months of struggling with her mental health, Zero infecting her, and growing resentment towards Ann, she snaps.

⦻ Halloween night 2006, Ann prepares to go to a party. This will be her big break! She'll make some friends, maybe hookup with someone, who knows what the nighy will bring. Ann's costume is a black dominatrix-esque nurse outfit. She thinks the outfit is a bit funny, but she hopes it will bring some attention her way.

⦻ Alice, now Zero, had gone home earlier that day to see her uncle and get her. Unbeknownst to Ann, Zero had gone home and murdered her uncle, alongside burning down her house.

⦻ When Zero gets back to the dorm, Ann is finishing up her makeup, back turned away from the door. "Oh hey. Where've ya been? Thought I'd have to go without you." Zero doesn't respond. Ann turns back to look at her. She's bloodied with white skin and hair.

⦻ Frowning, Ann put down her lipstick."You're wearing that? Don'tcha think it's a little bit intense for a college party? It's gonna scare away anyon-" Before Ann could finish, Zero hit her over the head repeatedly, killing her. She dismembers her body, leaving a horrific display of blood and gore inside their small dorm.

⦻ As Zero escapes into the night to continue her reign of terror, Ann's body begins to reconnect itself on its own.

There's other changes (to zero) too but that'll be for a different post!

[strangefable]

🐬🥀🥄🔥 for Micah and John, please? - fourlittleseedlings

Thank you so much for asking! <3

🐬 - Who made the first move? 

John. Micah was 18 and still skittish about Atlanta, her new job, the precarious state of her life. When she got sent to John for a delivery, she wasn't expecting him. He wasn't expecting her, either, but he moved fast, and naive Micah fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

🥀 - Do they both get jealous? 

Oh hell yeah. John's always been more vocal about it. Micah, especially Atlanta Micah, kept her mouth shut and her feelings buried over it. But it burned her up inside. She didn't want to share him, but she knew she couldn't stop him, or she'd risk losing him. So she swallowed it.

Fast forward to the Reaping, and Micah's not playing that way any more. John has to prove pretty definitively that she's the only one. And he does. But his own jealousy only gets stronger. He is enraged at Jacob's treatment of Micah during the trials; he very nearly kills his oldest brother over her.

🥄 - Who is the big spoon and who is the little spoon? 

In Atlanta, Micah was nearly always the little spoon. John had more hangups about his height back then and needed the extra reassurance that he was the 'man' and the larger partner. Only a very few times did he allow her to hold him that way.

During the Reaping, John still attempts to enforce the same dynamic, but Micah's much more resistant about it. Once she joins him in the Project, they're more prone to switching it up. John can finally admit that he likes being the little spoon some of the time.

🔥 - Who realized they were interested in who first?

John took one look at 18 year old Micah and he had to have her, but that's not exactly a high bar when you're talking about John Duncan, who wanted everyone and everything he could get his hands on. It shifted as their relationship grew, to the point that he realized he wouldn't let her go; his feelings for her were stronger than he understood.

Micah, for her part, knew she'd have feelings, real feelings, for him the day they met. She was nervous as hell and tried to dodge him because of it, but she wasn't strong enough to resist his good looks or charm. Her heart has never belonged to anyone else since.

[allanonxmareth]

Fic excerpt

Here's a part of an unfinished fic, PWP, written a while back, a bit weird. I think this was originally for the prompt "size kink" but it ended up having other stuff too. Again set in that nebulous fix-it future where Allanon is back and they're in a relationship.

Fandom: The Shannara Chronicles (TV) Rating: Explicit Relationships: Allanon/Mareth Tags: Porn Without Plot, Parent/Child Incest, Size Kink, Mind-Reading, Crying In Bed, Erectile Dysfunction, hangups about sex, emotions all over the place

It was odd, but not in a bad way. Allanon took things slow; Mareth could tell he was easily affected by her, but he never rushed, seemingly happy to enjoy just having her near.

It took days for them to fuck. He didn't seem to have much interest in it, no more than her hands on him - he seemed to prefer that, even, her touching him with thorough curiosity, mapping his body with her fingers and mouth, the plains and valleys.

But she wanted it, on some base level, his hard, silky, hot flesh inside her where it ached to be filled.

He was sizable as well, growing more so when turned on. She didn't remember bedding anyone, even human, with such a big cock. Having slept with humans before, it was all the odder to have him so apprehensive, so clearly afraid of hurting her. Often her elf side was what turned humans on, her perceived frailty and overly sensitive body - not anything she cared for, and not the truth, but she expected it. That she had to fight to get what she wanted. But her father touched her so attentively, almost with bated breath. He seemed so utterly happy just touching her skin, just tasting; going down on her got him so worked up that it took little more than rutting against her to burst all over her belly or back or hands.

"We don't have to," she said quietly, pressing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. His member was an enticing length against her belly, trapped between their bodies when she had settled in his lap, astride his hips. It made her run wet and slick to have all that so close, but he seemed to enjoy the squeeze such as it was enough. But -

"I don't want to hurt you." His words were hot, his hands light and hot on her thighs.

"You won't." She brushed his cheek with her thumb, across the little scar there. "I want you," she whispered, unable to hold back all the desperation pooling inside her. "All of you. But -" she swallowed the rest when her instinctual rocking of her hips sent a shiver of pleasure through her, her parted flesh rubbing against his length. So much of him, right there. She knew he would find his release like this, come all over between their bodies, and she would love it, want it - always a little wonder to feel what she too was made of.

But if there was any desire in him to push his gorgeous, thick cock inside her, she was aching to have him. And he had to know that, had to sense her dreams, the ache deeper inside her where his fingers couldn't reach. The yearning. There was no danger here, just a want to get him as close as possible

And yet it warred with her need to not hurt him. She didn't want to push, no matter how odd it was (and yes, she never thought a man might not want this) - she just wanted him to know.

"There's nothing to be afraid of," she murmured, rubbing her swollen flesh against his hot, giving body, tangling fingers in his hair, licking along the seam of his soft lips.

It didn't happen then, both getting too much into the kiss again.

It took them a few nights still, and dark of the night; a late return from a party, candles bathing her bedroom.

She had already come to love how it started. Him undressing her, unhooking, untying, fingers finding the little knots and clasps of a dress she wasn't accustomed to. And she probably wouldn't, given her aide.

When she was in her underwear, she asked him to derobe as well. A ritual, until they were both mostly nude, just clothed enough there was plausible deniability (for whom, she didn't think about). That it was just this side of chaste when she threw her arms around him, and he lifted her up, and carried her towards her royal bed where they finally crossed the threshold.

Her hair was completely loose - his fingers pulled out the pins - and it fell down her back in a way she wasn't used to. She bent down to kiss him, and his fingers carded through her locks carefully, one hand on her hip. This was familiar, already, frotting against each other slowly, the friction deliciously light, not yet frustrating. She'd started to think of this as her fucking him, pushing her hardened clit against his giving flesh, moving her hips on a wave, astride him. Wound up, he would finally ask her if she wanted his mouth, or fingers, and in which way - so breathtakingly eager that it alone made her insides flutter - if she wanted to move up and sit on his face - and so far she'd managed to hold back any commands otherwise.

But everything in her wanted, so so much, a please echoing through all of her being.

He didn't spook when she lifted her hips and took the base of his cock, not looking, wanting to keep the eye contact, fingers still not used to his girth and length after all these weeks - oh - so much more than anyone else she had known. The touch of the slick head of his cock over her lower lips made them both gasp.

"Do you - can I -?" She wasn't sure how to continue, if the simple f word would break some spell, but still needing him to say it out loud.

"Yes." His voice was rough with pleasure, with that tinge of uncertainty still, but it was more wonder than reluctance.

"Me too." She smiled, spreading her legs just a bit and -

It did hurt, just the head pushing past her entrance, and she couldn't help the air escaping her lungs with a moan, hands clamping immediately over his when he threatened to stop her movement downward. "No no no," she whispered feverishly. "It's good - so good. Just new."

So, yes, she wasn't unfamiliar with well hung men, but it had never been like this. Her fingers couldn't quite reach around him at rest, swallowing him down her throat was hopeless, and she felt each of those inches now intimately. No one had ever filled her like this - not just the size, but the pace - he let her take him as she wished, his eyes squeezing shut and mouth parting to let out a moan. 

Mareth wanted to enjoy the first slide in, but she gave up and let gravity do its work, setting her palms on his rapidly rising chest. He slid his hands up her thighs slowly, cupping her waist, but not pushing or pulling, just tight enough she felt the delicious pressure of his fingertips.

Mareth. She felt it like a caress inside her head. How fondly he said and thought her name. Inside and out.  A common human name, but he made it feel like an endearment.

Every inch of his cock filling her sent sparks all over her. She felt him everywhere, his cock leaving no space for her muscles to flutter, desperately tightening around him.

Allanon groaned, clearly feeling her body's desire around him. He said her name out loud, stroking her thighs slowly.

"If it hurts, please -" he forced his eyes open, "- we can stop - ah."

She laughed, causing everything to feel even more intense. "It's good," she said, and meant it - it did hurt, but it was perfect, a sweet kind of hurt; now they knew how their bodies felt together, and she was filled to the brim and not halfway there. It was crazy.

It wasn't like any other time - it couldn't be. Once she was done - almost - she didn't try to raise her hips, just felt. Her insides twitched anyway, like she could find her crest just from this, no need for any more friction, just this amazing fullness, heat on heat. She squeezed experimentally, and gasped - it sent shocks of pleasure through her - making him moan again. Like he was the one being filled, fucked.

If this had been like any other time, with any other man, if this was him throwing her on the bed and slamming into her, she would have cried out. But the sounds leaving her throat were soft, escaping when his gentle touch made her tremble. They rocked slowly against each other, working his cock deeper into her just so - it felt impossible that he would fit, and that thought made her heart beat harder. Part of her wanted to sheathe him in full, part knew it was physically impossible.

"You feel amazing." His whisper, reassuring, was a low rumble that caressed her skin everywhere. He rarely spoke these things out. "Mareth -"

His thumb touched her inner thigh, making her answering sounds a little desperate. She knew in a flash she was too close to edge - and she wanted it and didn't, wanted to come so badly, and also for this to never end -

Then it was all too much - everything inside her exploded with pleasure and she lost track of all thoughts --

She managed to lift her hips and move; even that stimulated her aching entrance more.

She glanced down, panting, seeing his cock had softened as it slipped out of her, glistening with her juices.

"Oh -" her cheeks burned, though the pleasure still echoed inside her. "I'm so sorry -" She climbed off him, still fuzzy and unsteady, cautiously laying next to him.

The thought that he had not liked it, really,  made her ache, a confusing mix with the remains of her orgasm. She had pushed him, after all, forgetting to keep her head in check. But it had felt so good, so right, his eyes had had that look as well, she had thought he wanted it as much as her - her cheeks burned. It was like forgetting to keep her magic leashed at times, knocking him down.

"Oh, no." He quickly rolled to his side so he could look at her. He took her hand and brought it to his mouth to kiss her curled fingers. "I did enjoy it. Very much. I just - I can't quite keep up with you. I apologize."

The words were awkward, his voice quiet, but his eyes were as intense as ever when they met hers. She saw the storm of emotion there: shame, but also, still, desire. "I want you," he said, before she had the time to answer and tell him he had nothing to be sorry for--that it was the other way around--his voice low and so serious it made her shiver all over again. "I just - I couldn't do more than that. It's not -" he paused, fingers on her elbow. She wanted him to press his thumb on the vein there and to feel how her heart beat. But he brought his hand up to brush her cheek, tears she didn't realize were pouring out, weird, because she wasn't sad.

This was not her feeling.

She felt his emotions like a wave lapping against the shore of her mind. Worry above all, worry for her now. And something warm and aching, mirroring her. It was so weird to untangle his feelings on the subject. He had enjoyed it - until he didn't, worried she was only doing this because she thought he wanted it. Thoughts that perhaps his other skills weren't enough, that he wanted her to feel nothing but pleasure but perhaps he was too inexperienced for her.

It all crashed over her - so this was what it was like, wasn't it? How it felt to read minds.

Above all, she felt his adoration, utterly overmeasured, echoing inside her bones, and it made her chest ache. It was one thing to hear spoken words and feel his touch, and one to dive into his head and heart like this. But she couldn't stop it, unused to navigating this form of the power. It washed over her. His lo-

Did he not know no one had ever touched her so thoroughly before? Didn't he read that in her head? No one had ever gone down on her like he did, like he wanted to learn everything, wanted to map her like the most eager explorer - and he thought himself selfish of all things, wondering how much he fell short, aching to learn more (she deserved the world and more). And then there was the shame over his touch, his rough fingertips, as if it did nothing but thrill her, as if it wasn't a mark of years gone by, filled with history that made him who he was. History she wanted to learn, whatever he was willing to open up for her.

It was overwhelming - her own emotions mirrored back at her hundredfold, the sea of love (that's what it was) around her - it was too much to take in when she couldn't look away or escape, when she was still aching between her legs, skin glued to his, sticky and sore. Yes - she had wanted this - all of him - and it nearly hurt to finally have it.

"Dad," was all she could say, tearfully, grasping his hand again, twining their shaking fingers, pushing her hot face into his neck, out of any thoughts except him and her and them together.

*

They made love again, almost without meaning to, bodies slipping back into it as they clung to each other. He spooned her carefully against his chest and touched her still hot and sticky flesh, rubbing his waking dick against her lower back, nosing at her tangled hair and licking up the rim of her ear, comforting her. She reached back to grab his thigh, to guide him, to feel the flex of muscle. Little animal touches that grounded them both.

"It'll pass," he murmured soothingly into her ear. You can block me out soon, everything else too. "I'm sorry it had to happen now -"

Don't be. She rocked her hips. "It's just too much," she whispered in turn. "But it's good, I mean -" I wouldn't have it any other way. It was hard to keep track of where words ended and thoughts began.

He came between her thighs, face buried in her hair, hot breath on her ear and cheek, pulling her along with the desire she was flooded with, a breathtaking wave of lust that he was partly ashamed for (she wanted to scrub all that shame away; how could he think it was wrong or selfish -).

And it probably happened again, and again, she lost count and became detached from reality, became nothing but her body and her father, her everything right now, and this wasn't even desire, it was just being, existing together like they were supposed to, always always always.

*

[magniloquent-raven]

steve's always known that he likes kissing boys. when he was ten a friend he made at summer camp planted one on him. he threatened to break steve's nose if he told anyone, but the kiss was still nice. when he was fourteen him and tommy got well and truly drunk for the first time, and ended up fooling around in the harringtons' dining room, clumsy and splayed out on the cold floor.

things like that kept happening to steve, and he was fine with it. as long as no one knew it was just some harmless fun.

because the thing is, he knows that's all it can ever be. he knows it. men can't ever love each other the way he loved nancy. it's just not how things work.

everyone says so, right. that it's not love when it's two men. it's just...sexual perversion or what the fuck ever. and steve's cool with that. he's not a prude. people can get all shitty and judgy about him sleeping with men because they think it's wrong but it's no different than people calling the girls he sleeps with sluts and getting all uptight about sex in general.

and sure, just because everyone says so doesn't make it true, but...well you just know some things, right? it's a gut instinct. he's never gotten butterflies over a guy, never gotten all warm and sappy with one the way he did with nancy. so it just makes sense. that's the way things are.

which...is why it's really confusing when billy asks him out.

they're friends now. they hang out. he actually likes billy, wonder of wonders. the whole mind flayer thing really mellowed him out. it's sad, sometimes, how much it broke him down, but steve can't help being selfishly grateful because he knows they never would have gotten to know each other otherwise.

and they've...y'know. had some fun too. billy kissed him two months ago, sloppy and urgent, still tasting like the beer he shotgunned. it was just the two of them, on the porch outside hop's old trailer—now billy's. and it was nice. it was fucking awesome, actually. and so was everything else they did after that.

billy was a little weird about it the next morning, so steve made sure to let him know he wasn't gonna freak out or anything. he'd done this before, they're still friends, it'll stay a secret, etc. etc.

it didn't help much, 'cause billy didn't talk to him for like, a week after, which sucked immensely, but steve's forgiving. it was probably billy's first time with a guy or something.

anyways, they worked it out. stayed friends who sometimes touch each other's dicks. it's all good. maybe a little intense sometimes, the way billy always clings to him right before he comes is honestly the best thing ever, the desperate way his nails dig in and he curls his whole body into it. and lately they've been getting a little less rushed, a little more familiar about it. but steve's never slept with the same guy this many times, so maybe that's normal.

what isn't normal is the nervous tension in billy's shoulders and the way he bites his nails and stumbles over his words, and then asks steve out.

because. like. why?

he just...doesn't understand. any of it. why billy's looking at him like that, his usual cool mask cracked down the middle, vulnerable bits shining through, making him all soft around the edges. why his stomach clenches, tumbles over itself, anxiety and something sour twisting in his gut. why his hands are shaking, and he can't quite breathe, and the thought of this ruining what they already have is digging its claws in.

and he can't...he just can't. can't give billy what he wants, because he doesn't even know what that is, and...he can't wrap his fucking head around why this is even happening.

it hurts when billy closes off and walks away, his quiet nevermind, i—forget i said anything hits like a punch in the chest.

he goes home that night thinking about every time they ever touched. every time billy looked at him with something in his expression that steve couldn't put his finger on. something warm that he wanted to reach out and hold.

he calls robin at one in the morning. she's annoyed until she hears his voice. then she promises she'll be there in ten minutes.

steve hasn't cried in front of anyone since he was six. but that night he curls up with his head in robin's lap and sobs, trying so, so hard to let it wash away all the things he's gotten muddied up and confused over. but when he's out of breath and out of tears, there's still a knot in his chest that he has no idea how to untangle.

~~tag liiist ppl sorry for the angst lol @spreckle @growup-thatbeautiful 💕~~

[hangflowersart]

Your RF secret Santa here. Tell me more about your Leon/Lest headcanons 👀

👀👀👀 well if u insist.... under the cut cause its long but also very stream of consciousness cause turns out i never actually wrote most of these down !! so if they seem disjointed that's why

- ik the game has its own short story of leons hangups when it comes to getting into relationships (ie. only dating you when you say it's ok you two can't get married) but i have my own HCs to add on that are less about backstory and more personal to himself. the tl;dr of it is that before they got together leon had a lot of trouble accepting his romantic feelings towards lest. he'd never admit it, but leon feared the unfamiliar. you would never be able to tell either, he's a great actor and is good at reading people, but he's completely out of his element in selphia for the first couple months. any romantic feelings are adding onto that and becoming too much. when lest confesses to him, he rejects him, telling him he's not ready yet. they try to be normal friends but it's kind of awkward. months go by and the firefly festival comes around. leon avoids lest all day, they're both well aware of the tradition around the festival. lest runs into leon at the beach, and he admits to lest he wants to give them a try. its definitely not perfect at the start but they end up working very well together. i don't really have any hcs or comments about his proposal event, i'd have to watch again but i don't really have the time to rn

- especially as time goes on, lest is really not phased by leons sarcastic attitude and tendency to deflect with jokes. lest can't parry it with something on par (nor does he try) but he isn't as shocked and flustered about it like the protag is every time in game. he usually fires back with something that earns him a 'touche' or some real flirting to counter leons non-serious demeanor.

- their favorite date spots are the observatory and beach. at the observatory they like point out stuff or watch people on the street below; they initially bond over how familiar the landscape is, but they can't recognize it at the same time (for leon because of the passage of time, for lest the loss of his memories). at the beach they like to enjoy the breeze coming off the lake and mostly just hang out and talk. lest will braid leons hair or bring knitting or embroidery supplies. in summer they'll sometimes go into the water but usually they just hang out. their least favorite date spot is the restaurant. they both feel its like such a high-pressure date environment for some reason.

- neither of them are huge on PDA, not that they mind it they just aren't that type of couple. they'll hold hands or wrap an arm around each other or other casual stuff. i don't think either of them are particularly more forward then the other though. i think they would be a little embarrassed about it at first but definitely not as they got used to the relationship.

- lest is a coffee drinker and leon prefers tea, though most people assume it's the opposite.

- they have an informal tradition of gifting each other flowers on holidays

- they got married before venti returned after rune prana, but they didn't have a ceremony before she was back. it didn't feel right without her, and it felt like they still had some hope she'd return if they waited.

- tbh i have no idea how they got noel i just didn't think about it that much i just think they got him at some point after getting married, but before venti got back

(i also have a playlist for them, though it's heavily a WIP)

[queerhannibal]

listen.. listen... will would be so cuddly once they actually get physical... like spooning hannibal and leaving little kisses on his shoulder and neck while they're sleepy and talking... almost like he cant help himself... and just pressing to him to feel him close... leaning on his shoulder and holding his hand when they sit together... playing with hannibal's hair... help

listen anon you are speaking my language oh my god

They’re both going to be so physically affectionate once they get over their hangups and allow themselves to be, you know? They’ve spent all these years absolutely longing for each other and wanting desperately to touch and once they can? They aren’t gonna want to stop

And Will has been repressing his desire to touch Hannibal even more strongly than Hannibal has his desire to touch Will, you know? That hug on the cliff is, as far as I can recall, the only time Will initiates any kind of affectionate touch between them

But every time they touch it’s so clear that Will wants to just sink into it and melt, and once he’s actually freed himself to do so? He’s gonna be melting into Hannibal all the time

and Hannibal wants so badly to be held!!! He’s been longing for Will’s embrace for years!! He’s been imprisoned without any positive physical contact For Years!!!!!!!!!! He’s probably totally overwhelmed in a good way the first time Will spoons him in bed

It’s probably the first night they’re in anything like an actual bed post fall, still horribly injured and in pain and feeling terrible and not yet somewhere safe. They’re sharing a bed by unspoken agreement; neither of them can move very fast or very well at the moment and they need to have the other within reach

Hannibal tries to be respectful and keep to his side, turning his back to Will so he won’t be tempted to reach out for him—and Will scoots close behind him, presses up against his back and wraps an arm around him, fitting their bodies tightly together. 

Hannibal can barely breathe, terrified of breaking the moment and losing Will’s warmth. It feels as good as he imagined it would, better. Will nuzzles into his shoulder and Hannibal’s eyes fill with tears because he really never thought he’d get to have this

And Will feels him trembling and just holds him tighter, pressing a series of soft kisses to his shoulders and the back of his neck, and whispers gentle reassurances until Hannibal finally stills and relaxes in his embrace. Will falls asleep quickly, finally feeling the hungry thing in his belly settle now that he’s got Hannibal wrapped in his arms, but Hannibal lies awake fighting the exhaustion tugging at his mind because he can’t quite believe this is real, or that he’s going to get to keep it

But he does get to keep it, the next night and the next. And Will touches him more and more at other times, until Hannibal comes to expect it any time they’re in a room together, until he knows that it’s safe to touch Will back, that Will wants this, wants him, and won’t be startled away

And Will finally sates the touch starved thing that lingered in him even through his marriage, because now he’s finally letting himself take the touch he really wants and it’s so good