#they’re not very good car drawings but i love the concept

[pizzazz-party]

sub-genre of drawings in my paper pile where rottmnt usagi is clinging for dear life to the hood of a soaring, demon-possessed car

[un-pearable]

here’s the shows that i would recommend!!!!

transformers prime: this is the show that im most familiar with, i used to watch it a lot on saturday mornings with sonic x LOL. it’s pretty influenced by the live action movies at the time but they manage to pull off the ideas the movies introduced. it has solid lore, characterization, and story telling and a very consistent tone. it has a movie (predacons rising) that takes place after the series and it’s alright. it has a sequel series called robots in disguise 2015- do NOT watch. it’s a bad show & a terrible sequel. but prime itself is super cool and has a lot of great ideas. the human characters can be hit or miss but i find 90% of them endearing.

transformers 1984: it’s a fun and usually much more light hearted series. often times it’s pretty similar to star trek but with more robot-robot violence. it’s a lot of fun seeing where ideas come from and then how they changed over the past 40 years. plus you get introduced to a WIDE cast of characters so it’s fun seeing them pop up again in different iterations and what they decide to do with them. also the 1986 movie occurs BEFORE season 3 so make sure to watch it! additionally, there are japanese sequel shows to the 1984 series (in order: headmasters, masterforce, and victory) and i personally liked them a lot. they often aren’t mentioned/referenced and I can’t in good conscious call them good but I did find them fun. since you like comic books i think you’ll probably have fun with the japanese sequels since they have some Strange plot lines in them lmao.

transformers cyberverse: this is a pretty popular one and it’s recent. it gives spotlight to a lot of G1 characters. bumblebee’s the main character for most of the series, but you get to see LOTS of other characters sometimes take the main stage, too. it’s a really fun take on the autobot-decepticon war, and it often rocks back and forth between being a fun comedy and an actual gritty war story.

transformers animated: i highly recommend this show, it has a great cast, a great overarching plot, and lots of fascinating lore. the only caveat is that the lore doesn’t match the usual transformers series, so i wouldn’t watch this one first. the only other draw back to me is while i LOVE the main human character (sari), the other human villains are pretty lack luster.

bonus recommendation:

transformers robots in disguise 2001: NOT THE 2015 ONE. don’t watch that. RID2001 is a super fun japanese transformers iteration with a group of really cool characters who have a lot of personality. teletraan is little girl. it rocks. it’s a great self contained story that doesn’t require much knowledge on the greater transformers lore

lore reoccomendation

beast wars: tbh i don’t care for the gimmick of the transformers turning into animals I like it when they’re cars BUT this series is super influential to transformers as a whole. lots of lore is introduced in this series, plus the concept of “maximals”/“predacons” are used throughout other media. it has a sequel show called beast machines- DO NOT WATCH. boring as fuck tbh.

also: the transformers show that’s currently ongoing is called earthspark. season one was really good but they changed studios after that and it definitely decreased in story quality. plus i would recommend watching the 1984 show before watching it.

as far as comics go the idw one is loved a LOT but i can’t comment on it since i haven’t read it. ive been going through the marvel transformers comics and i think they’ve been super interesting- lots of fun ideas!

sorry this was long LOL it’s definitely a fun franchise and i don’t think there’s a show you could really go wrong with (to a… Degree). anyway have fun if u dip your toes in <3

listening and learning o7. jokes aside thank you SO much i appreciate the experienced POV

[lifenconcepts]

you do have oc’s yes. give the lore now. That is an order, mister /j /nf

BHSXHHDOBSOXBXBI HAVE TOO MANY

UHM

I GOT LIKE A MILLION ESSAYS OF LORE FOR MOST BUT HERE ARE THE INTRODUCTIONS:

For this show I wanted to write I have 3 main guys I love dearly, Lifen Heid who is the main dude and German- is secretly holding some kind of power and yet isn’t aware of it. This spirit guy Fhelix (quite OP but is so fed up with every being that he litterally does not use his powers at all except for his main goal) knows though and was set off on a journey to help him become a god like he once was but can’t say what he’s doing otherwise they would both die an agonising death. They got some chemistry and lore together plus I advanced the plot into a full blown book. Robin, a side character whom I love dearly, is a pathetic little kid who was forced to flee from his planet from false vigilante accusations and resides in the realm (this whole new world only accessible through a portal) with Fhelix, whole ordeal, and also some other people that also had the same fate, basically heroes turned sour and he got trapped into their little group (There’s this massive group and all got their individual relationship with one another and personality but in short they’re like 15-23 year old losers with some sort of dramatic past and incredible talents (lemme tell you about them..) ) So there’s Batrose - an emo shithead who is 99% a sadist and is a very good swordsman, and despite that, he is in a relationship with Florence, an absolute sweetheart who also is quite a dangerous individual. Basically that meme template where they both can absolutely kill you but one visibly has intention and the other is bubbly. Both dress somewhat goth. There’s also Dan, a daredevil cat hybrid who always looks for trouble and is a horrid influence on Robin but I still love him, not too much older then him. Westifer is this ginger kid the same age as Dan and yet is much more secluded than the rest and has an amulet passed down from generation to generation which allows him to practically bend water to his will, but he sort of struggles with it. He has a floating blob of water he can activate anytime and it’s somewhat sentient and has bubbles for eyes but mostly just helps him get to places sometimes as it’s body can act as a cushion. Also has a pet flamingo named fern. There are some other others but they’re not worthy enough of being saved in my mind.

one of my newest two is Neil Wolfman, he got a shitload of lore which I could copy and paste here in a second. Absolutely adore him but in short he’s a pathetic little soggy boy who has a car and out of paranoia spends most time out in the suburbs and owns an adorable German shepherd named Arc. also this mad scientist I haven’t bothered with making a name for that I do quite love and is my most attacked character for art fight!

also idk if it counts but just any variety of me whenever I draw myself, ranges from abstract concept to realistic depiction to absolute goofy doodle to entirely new creature or human.

I also realised like not lately that they almost all were some representation from me and I was incredibly surprised.

[devilbeez]

Let me take you through the journey of me speed running my portfolio, smile

Mostly because I need somewhere to write this and word doc wouldn’t give me feed backs

Note that this will be very wonky because I have not thought of anything but the concept— I have 1 out of 6 characters figured out so imma color code them and call them by alphabet

Concept and inspiration:

What I wrote for my portfolio: Artist’s emotion and upbringing always had been reflected in their art. So what would happen if in a world where that part is intensified for the viewer to see

What actually started this: I want sport anime type of story but with Artists. Also this scene from Ouran host club that inspired Aster don’t question why just take it.

Story:

I’m still debating on what I want to use as the final story, they both are essentially revolve around the relationship of college kids’ relationships from friends to lovers to found family and they’re all in an art club and have specialized methods and styles; graphite portraits/landscape, Abstract expressionism, animation, graphic design, Dada-esque sculpture and then there’s the one guy that can’t draw cause every art clubs always have that one member that only join to not do anything.

Plot option 1: Anne Certayn is a college kid who doesn’t know themself. They know what they’re good at— well good enough to graduate and make money, but there’s no passion in it. Anne were hoping to float through the rest of their school year so to avoid all invitations to join a club they join an art club, what they assumed to be a club they can just sleep though. Sadly, Anne new clubmates’s energy are too much for them.

Note about this plot:

Each character’s relationship with their art, e.g. Aster’s desire to be perfect and uphold his family’s legacy and all of it being reflect in his art. His art had always be something that lean heavily toward realistic in every way, dull color, proportion, reflecting how his passion and desire are tugged away for something more refined. Meanwhile his boyfriend, Carter is someone who contempt with his life and where he is, he have more abstract and colorful art reflecting how he’s putting his true self out for everyone to see, both perfect and imperfect.

Anne’s journey to find their passion for art again after a lifetime of being discouraged from being interested in art by people who told Anne to dial down any of their passion for things they don’t care for.

This is honestly a very slice of life, fluff, maybe comedy story that doesn’t have heavy lore. It just friends being pals

Plot option 2: A love story between members of a college art club.

The couples:

One of the leader (Carter) x his friend (Aster) since high school. They had been dating since first year of college but Aster had always held himself back because his family’s legacy. Their story is going to be revolving around Aster’s struggling to choose between Carter and his family because Carter’s family is not exactly on the same level as Aster’s family

Shezaraya x D no idea what will be their plot yet but D is an animator and concept art who occasionally fight with Anne because she doesn’t like how they joined without any sort of passion for art. She also sometimes fight with E who keeps riling her up by saying “digital art is not real art” without meaning it. Shezaraya is an graphic designer She’s more chill than D but she will still shit talk with her

Debating on giving E a lover(s) or not because she’s very much the agent of chaos. You ask about her love life and it would be like “oh yeah my ex almost framed me for fraud so I ended it” and if you ask her “isn’t your ex the barista down the street?” She’d go “oh not her, the other one— not the one that crashed my car because I broke up with him, the other other one”

Characters:

I have one character designed but I’m write as much as I have. Note that these are like— barely coherent concepts of the characters

Carter Wassily

- He’s the leader of the art club.

- His specialty is abstract art, specifically abstract expressionism.

- He major in marketing, minor in communications in his 3rd year.

- His design is inspired by abstract art in history; Constructivism and De Stijl

- He’s fun loving, enthusiastic about anything and everything he love. He does not afraid to put himself out there and be his truest self. He do have tendencies to get too invested in his art to the point he forgets all time and necessity he need.

- He’s dating Aster since first year of college but they know each other since high school

- He somehow didn’t know Aster is rich until last year of high school

Aster Richman (edited)

- He’s the vice president of the art club

- He’s majoring in law in his 3rd year.

- He specialized in Realism painting

- His name will be revolved around stars because I want it to come back to Carter’s tattoo

- He also have a red ring, matching Carter’s other tattoo since his family frown on tattoos

- He’s more serious than Carter. He try to be more stoic and calm though he do have his moments where Carter make him flustered or someone make him irritated. He pride himself on being good academically.

- His family is rich. Yes his name is a pun, I’m trying make all of their name a pun

- His designed was inspired by Victorian aesthetic but the palette came from realism period of art where the color is more dull then later he have an Isabella moment where his palette become lighter and less monochrome.

- He also wear glasses after his development because we really need the reverse “took off glasses and become beautiful” trope cause we had that in Cloudy with a chance of meatball and we need more of that

Shezaraya Sunshine

- She major in Music in second year.

- She specializes in Graphic Design with the style similar to Art Nouveau

- She’s dating/going to date D

- She’s the most passionate in her work after Carter

- She dream to make music and create her own album covers

- She’s similar to Carter but she’s a bit of a perfectionist when it come to her work. Other than that she’s one of the most chaotic person in the club

- She’s also very kind and optimistic

Anne Certayn

- They major in Engineer in first year.

- They have 0 artistic skill

- They lost their passion for things they like because when they was younger people tend to dismiss them or make them feel bad for being excited about things they enjoyed

- Weirdly they’re close with E the most

D

- She major in Communication in second year,

- She also have a few Communication classes with Carter

- She specializes in Animation with soft color and visual, reminiscing of Impressionism movement

- She’s passionate, a bit snarky, very spiteful to the people who deserve it

- She was raised to be more like Aster but she rejected that lifestyle

- Funny enough despite having the same world view of “anything can be art” as E they butt head a lot, mostly because E just like messing with her

- She absolutely hate Anne at first because how they joined the club but they bond after a while and she learn to tolerate them

E

- She major in Literature in third year

- She specializes in unconventional take on art, aka Dada. She mostly do mixed media and collage

- She is an agent of chaos. Little gremlin that just here to stir the plot and yet somehow she’s one of the chillest people in this club.

- She believes that anything can be art and that art have no rule but will absolutely throw that away for the sake of chaotic debate with D

- She have ex lovers….no one know how many but she have exes

[carpetbug]

tell me ab your bug and cat playlist!!!! (this is my main I’m zodoods dhsjvdsjj)

HI ZO 💕!! THANK U FOR INDULGING MY SILLY LITTLE SONG LISTS! i’ll give you a song or two from a couple <3

Chat Noir

Break (Alex G) - oh my god it just screams his sacrificial tendencies paired with his love for ladybug. obsessed with this song for him. I also see these sort of reflections? of other sides of him in this song? “I could disappear, if this is what makes you feel so real” cat walker out the fucking wazoo hello! “In my head I see bright lights… I think I’m feeling it now just like you did” “And I’ll break for you baby cause you make it feel so good” CHAT BLANC HELLOOOOOO!! anyways i’m super normal about this song and totally don’t have any plans to animate anything to this 👁️

Ladybug

happy news for sadness (Car Seat Headrest) - i see this song fitting both LB and mari! the obvious line being “You can never tell the truth but you can tell something that sounds like it” relating to how deeply she values honesty and truth, but ends up having to lie and hide things from almost all the people in her life. “Everytime I think about love, I think about me thinking about you … Everytime I think about love, I think about you thinking about me” sorry this is just so fucking ladynoir? thinking about you as in thinking about adrien, this boy i’ve devoted myself to loving, but when i think about love I also think about you, chat noir, thinking about me, ladybug, the girl you’re so openly in love with. how can those both be love when they’re so different? how can they both be the truth? are they even?

Marinette

Gambling Addiction (Leanna Firestone) - i’m so insane bonkers crazy for this song ITS SO GOOD GO LISTEN TO ALL OF LEANNAS MUSIC anyways. how marinette falls quite literally head over heels when she’s in love! but she ultimately feels like she’s always playing a losing game! I also love the whole concept of marinette being both luck as ladybug and unlucky as herself with always saying the wrong thing, falling over, etc. “I wanna be pulling lucky numbers and praying to lucky stars, finding four leaf clovers and counting all my cards but i’m walking under ladders, seeing black cats, spilling table salt, and stepping on every crack” “so i’m crossing all my fingers, i’m pressing all my luck cause I know misfortune just won’t be enough to keep me from betting it all on love again”

Adrien

TV (Alex G) - adrien’s relationship with his parents! especially with emelie just sort of being gone? and he never gets to have that closure? ESPECIALLY WITH HER BEING AN ACTRESS?? AND GABRIEL NOT LETTING ADRIEN WATCH HER ROLES?? “I get feelings from the TV, they can’t hurt me, they don’t know me” “He gets lonely, he forgets me and he bought us a TV cause you don’t come around anymore” IDK GUYS I CANT PUT IT INTO FUNCTIONAL WORDS BUT DO U SEE THE VISION??

Chat Blanc

The Wolf (Fever Ray) - i love this song for chat blanc so much! (here is a drawing i did with lyrics from it!) I just am so obsessed with the vibe and tone, how deep and echoey it is, but with the intermittent hollers! it gives a very specific feeling, I love it. “And it’s poison in his blood. Big fire, big burn, into the ashes and no return” just like a perfect reference to everyone being turned into literal ash! it works so well with the chaotic, destructive nature of blanc.

Shadybug

DICTATOR (REI AMI) - i think the general vibe of the song is so fitting for her! especially the really direct transition to a much softer and emotional tune/lyrics! RAAAA it’s just so telling of how she makes shadybug into this terrifying powerful figure that can and will hurt anyone in her way when she’s just marinette, this lonely teenager with one too many problems and a shitty/dangerous coping mechanism! “I am not your queen, i’m your dictator. bend the fucking knee, yeah bitch, that was an order! what you say to me, huh? bitch speak louder! you know i reign supreme” it’s just screams shadybug to me. also hehehehe reign supreme get it

Adrinette

Romeo & Juliet (Peter McPoland) - okay imma be so fr this one makes me feel a little too silly in the heart so i unfortunately do not have the words to explain but please imagine and chew on these lyrics “I’d say “oh I love you” to my Juliet, if you only knew, i’d kill for you, i am for you, i am just who you need me to be” “i hope you mean it when you say that I am yours and you are mine”

I Love You Too (Peter McPoland) - i’m a sucker for this man’s music he makes some bangers but yeah this song it just screams adrinette to me. especially post season five, seeing them get to explore starting a relationship together and navigate their own love!! also just really shows how devoted adrien is to loving marinette, how he holds her to no expectations, values her comfort and happiness above all else during their interactions LIKE GOD HE LOVES HER SO MUCH HES WILLING TO SIT AND WAIT AND LOVE HER IN SILENCE UNTIL SHES READY FOR IT TO BE AS LOUD AS IT FEELS!! IDK!! “i love you too, too much to say” “i love your hands held close to mine, the way that our fingers all intertwine”

Ladynoir

Best Song Ever (One Direction) - guys. do i even have to explain. it is so chat flirting with ladybug. it is so entirely season one ladynoir. “maybe it’s the way she walked straight into my heart and stole it” “I said “can i take you home with me?” she said “never in your wildest dreams””

Shameless (Camila Cabello) - some fun ladynoir reveal brain food! lb getting fed up with identities clogging her emotions and deciding to throw it aside and let chat make the decision himself “it’s been a secret for the longest time” “now that you have me, do you want me still?”

Marichat

HandClap (Fitz and The Tantrums) - ok it’s honestly just the part “Every night when the stars come out, am I the only living soul around? Need to believe you could hold me down cause I’m in need of something good right now” BUT HEAR ME OUT!! Marinette and Chat seeking each other out when they need comfort, someone to vent to. Finding each other, making this connection and this safe space with so much warmth and care between them that it grows from just mutual support to adoration. I need something good right now, I need you.

Vampire Empire (Big Thief) - tbh i’m not like 100% sure what about this song is so entirely marichat to me but. it is. More angsty, it makes me think of marinette and chat trying to foster a romance between them but it just tasting… stale? like a dead plant drowning from being overwatered. “the milk has just expired, all the leaves are dead. I’m not quiet, you’ve been quiet, just receiving what you said.” They do want each other, and there’s such intense love between them, but it just always feels like they’re going about it the wrong way. “Where you can’t seem to hold me, can’t seem to let me go, so I can’t find surrender, and I can’t keep control”

Ladrien

Sports (Beach Bunny) - Ladybug getting to explore Adrien’s hobbies with him as they get close! spending her time with him, learning any new skill he’s willing to teach just to make him happy “if you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you! Tell me baby, why do you seem so blue?” but eventually kind of getting tired of playing these games around their feelings and just wanting to be with him outside of these activities “I’m tired of waiting, I was never good at sports. Save the games for the girls on the tennis courts”

We’ll Never Have Sex (Leith Ross) - THE SOFTNESS!! THE GENTLENESS!! THE CARE AND COMPASSION AND LOVE AND SIMPLICTY! “If I said you could never touch me, you’d come over and say I looked lovely” ITS JUST SO THEM!! Adrien respecting these boundaries, listening to his lady, caring for and loving her regardless of what form it comes in. “Oh you kissed me, just to kiss me, not to make me cry. It’s was simple, you are sweetness, let’s just sit a while”

[detective-dipstick]

Murder on the Orient Express (1974) vs. Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

Never read the book so I'm considering plot-related things that probably happened in the book as the creations of the movies and it will count towards their rewards and penalties.

Things I liked from both:

-the handkerchief! big fan. the mystery of the handkerchief was better than the mystery of who murdered that guy.

-I like the locations in both. I like the scenery. I think they played with the being stuck on a train thing in their own ways and it worked out.

-There was a third thing I can't remember.

Things I despised from both:

-the ending. the dumbest ending in mystery history. mstry hstry. miss tree his tree.

-sorry i got distracted. literally it was so anticlimactic and SOOOO dumb. I had a friend who really liked the ending but he had horrible opinions about everything so fork spotted in the kitchen i guess. anyway drives me insane to this day.

Things I liked better in 74:

-The train. Looks like a real train. We get to look at it for a long time. A movie made for train-lovers, which is the main draw of Orient Express as a concept anyway.

-Generally better looking cinematography. I like.

-Hector. Freaking. McQueen.

-First of all, Anthony Perkins? Damn. Second, Anthony Perkins as McQueen? GAYYYYY (flirtatious). Noticed him the moment he appeared on screen. Totally in love with everything he did. No notes except a tiny one with my number on it. Anyway

-Ms. Hubbard. Genuinely annoying af as God intended. and she didn't have a random wig reveal (although that was funnnny. again that Branagh melodrama that's so ridiculous sometimes but admirably bold every time). anyway idk i like her. I don't like her but I do. the girlboss effect in action.

-The Armstrong case summarized in the BEGINNING thank you for making sense. Was so jarring in the 2017 version that they just randomly mention it later in the movie. No prior allusion to it or anything. Those first few scenes in the 74 version were unsettling to me in a good way.

-They look so relieved and happy when Poirot and Bianchi vote to pin the murder on the imaginary guy. It's just a cute little moment idk. Some of them hug each other. McQueen smiles and stands up and sits down for some reason.

Things I liked better in Branagh's:

-Branagh as Poirot. I feel like I'll be unjustifiably assassinated for this but I like him a lot. In this movie specifically, he's great. I dislike Orient Express compared to his three Poirot movies in almost every other respect but he was very refreshing here.

-From what I've seen of Branagh as a director, he excels at melodrama, and it shows here.

-Loveee how during the breakdown Poirot had no fucking idea who did it. When he said "it is time to solve this case" he meant it so literally. He meant "well we're on a deadline so I'm just gonna start talking and hope it all works out." Relatable af that's me writing my essays and shit. Also very funny.

-So there’s a scene, right? There’s a scene with Hildegarde (great name btw) and Poirot where he questions her in German so the princess can’t understand it and then she mentions seeing “the other conductor” in the sleeping car and he’s so shocked he switches to English and he’s like “WHAT other conductor???” and that was so cool you had to be there it was cool. Too bad it didn’t mean anything but it was sick.

-I like Bouc slightly better than Bianchi. Now, Bianchi has the better name. Fun to say. He was very silly and cool. But I can’t pretend I don’t love Bouc. C’mon.

-The count and countess. WOW. They were charming in 74 but in this one they are HOT. Holy shit. Even better somehow that we don’t meet them right away. They’re talked about in the beginning but we only see them when Poirot goes to their cabin to question them for reasons I can’t remember (I recall he originally wasn’t going to. They were in a different car or diplomatic immunity or something idk I was born yesterday). Anyway him just showing up at the elusive count and countess’s later in the movie and turns out the whole time they were just in there doing hot people shit. They were in two scenes but really carried the film with their sexual energy. 

General thoughts:

For the record, I wouldn’t recommend either of these movies. If this post inspired u to watch them for some reason, don’t you dare think of me. Goodnight.

[rainbowspinch]

I have a quotes page that me and my partner have been trying to keep up with for the past 5 years. Here are some ones that I love

“The girl mosquitoes are just blood sucking leeches, like look around the room it’s like real life”

“I would ride all over their graves”

“The core is....oh that’s a lot of hot”

“Just because the computers are as fast as I am, they think they rule the world. They DON’T.”

“If ankles are the price I must pay to convince everyone I’m not cheating on my boyfriend, then so be it”

“Stop twisting my words before I start twisting your neck”

“T: that shit was like my cocaine

LY: cocaine is my cocaine”

“If you expect me to stop being stupid, you need to lower your expectations”

“If the school is gonna take such shit photos for the smart riders, they should atleast get a better camera so it’s shit but in good quality”

“The whole world was ruled by jellyfish”

“Did you know that there’s still dinosaurs around? Like cassowaries”

“When you say that orange is the best zooper dooper you’ve entered the argument area”

“Usually people like you, who get bullied, grab a knife and go around stabbing people”

“I don’t wanna die from a NUT, that’s just pathetic”

“My shoes look like a fucking bionicle”

“Why are you wearing a speedo, what is WRONG WITH YOU”

“I will swivel chair into your head, move bitch”

“Due to technical reasons I have ADHD I think”

“It’s because I’m Italian. OUI OUI!!”

“We have to run to both the base lines?? Go kill yourself!! Consider MY feelings!”

“I think being autistic and having a nut allergy is a great combination”

“Get out or I’m gonna COVID kick your ass”

“How do you even survive my presence? My virtual presence. Social distancing.”

“Thank you ma'am, you are my favorite person, much homo *insert gay flag that android doesn't have*”

The meat man is coming in the morning”

“NO GAYS ALLOWED ON THE GOLF COURSE”

“There’s a spider on me, i should kill myself”

“His 5 hearts have been shot”

���Sprout some fucking legs”

“The year is...the year is 2”

“Haha, you thought you knew what I would do, but alas, I am unpredictable”

“Get your fingers out of the mud, boy”

“Stop fondling the worms”

“It’s fucking Shaggy, do you know what he’s capable of?!”

“Why do I have mind dreams from another timeline”

“The unborn babies news report”

“I’m feeling served hot and fresh”

“They’ve been through a lot, these ankles of mine”

“L: I feel like a sub species of human

LY: You are, you’re- *hand gesture* you’re really down there’”

“You walk into his house and the jazz stops”

“I found my father by the way. Just a heads up”

“I trust Jesus to look after my hot wheels”

“It meant he hadn’t been crunchin’-a-munching on my lip balm”

“Oh there’s a spider. Come closer :]”

“The 2 second rule in driving is how much time you have to eat your car after you drop it”

“Longing to reality shift to kiss some boys”

“The secret ingredient is cheating”

“You can date on Tumblr I just can’t guarantee it’ll go well”

“A: you’re an accomplice!

LY: Grease lightning-“

“I’ve got a tongue twister for you. FUCK”

“If the shoe fits? If the shoe fits up your ASS”

“You move like a transition slide”

“S: Jesus can FUCK off

H: Jesus has fucked off twice already, Sarah”

“My concept of linear time is not very linear”

“Hold on I’m sending a man to court”

“I promise, but only until I change my mind”

“Being attracted to me is healthy”

“Mood. Not that I’ve been hit by a car, but I do eat cucumbers”

“2 blonde bitches fighting for the throne and she’s not even a real blonde”

“You have so many issues and they’re all unresolved”

“I am my own target audience, and that audience has been met”

“I swear on my nana”

“I started drawing and suddenly I was Christian”

“Get these blonde molecules out of me”

“Lucy, your camera roll is filled with yourself, what do you mean Shame?”

“The Dreamscape is leaking into reality and it’s making me an asshole!”

“Terrible news, the statues are in a dick out mood”

“Toes out to that bro. Cheers” -Spinch on this day (Saturday, 14th May 3:17pm)

“You put your whole tiddies into saying something nice”

“Cry me a goldfish”

“You have skin boy! Are you excited?”

“If you ever touch his spider polycule, he’ll bite you”

Money not well spent, so I have to keep it there as a reminder”

“White walls purple bed kind of bitch”

“Breaking someone’s legs is not very kawaii schoolgirl of her”

“Are you thinking with your brain ma’am? Or are you thinking with your feet?”

“All the left handed people will be turned into grain”

“My autism tried to give me a new gender and I had to talk myself out of it”

“Get these blonde molecules IN me”

“Caution I am choosing”

“And I take off my wig. And I take off my wig. And I take of my wig. And I take of my bald cap. And I take off my bald cap. And I take off my wig. And I’m bald”

“Don’t headcanon my parents as transgender”

“You must have talent to be able to draw this bad”

“I liked it so much that my reaction was to tell you I don’t like it”

“You pick him up by the lungs a lot”

“I wouldn’t trust you with a fetus”

“Do you have parents? Not on purpose”

“She’s timeless, she’s stagnant”

“You get your autism backpack and you can fill it with acronyms”

“LY: I hate the continental drift

L: Like the dance?’

LY: LIKE THE PLANET SPLITTING APART, PANGEA”

“I feel splinched”

“I think he’s been crying, he looks freshly born”

“He looks like what the conservatives are protecting”

“LY: I’m very tan today

L: you’re tan every day

LY: yeah it’s like it’s my skin colour or something!”

[espressopatronum454]

I posted 12,430 times in 2022

That's 12,425 more posts than 2021!

719 posts created (6%)

11,711 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@callmejud3

@fuckboyregulus

@fyodarling

@dear-ao3

@aithusarosekiller

I tagged 2,645 of my posts in 2022

#stranger things - 263 posts

#james potter - 262 posts

#jegulus - 244 posts

#regulus black - 242 posts

#eddie munson - 210 posts

#steddie - 186 posts

#steve harrington - 178 posts

#fav mutuals - 177 posts

#wanna be able to find this later - 137 posts

#jude tag - 128 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#don’t mind me ranting abt all the times regulus doesn’t stand up for himself against his parents bc he thinks he’s not ‘brave’ like sirius

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

peter: small animals are evidently more vicious, they have less space for their anger and rage to be bottled up

sirius: that’s ridiculous, name one animal -

remus: wasps

lily: chihuahuas

james: regulus

concept from @peppy-but-depressy

85 notes - Posted July 11, 2022

#4

how does a four person poly couple dance to a slow song when one of them is getting over a traumatic experience the other three just found out about?

help

how does one write this

100 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

#3

the little things

james potter headcannon:

james potter has never done the whole “sitting still” thing very well. there’s a good chance he has adhd or something of the sort, at least that’s what everyone around him thinks.

but he can and will appreciate the little things, like staring outside the car window on a road trip, and goddamn it if sirius tears his eyes away from the autumn leaves or the snowy mountains, or whatever beautiful scenery they’re passing, he won’t be able to say that if sirius ends up with a busted lip or black eye it wasn’t his fault. bc the scenery needs to be appreciated and james will make sure it happens.

when james is laying with regulus in bed, resting his lap in the younger boy’s lap while he reads a book and runs his fingers through his hair, james can reduce his constant fidgeting to a finger tap, or drawing swirls and other patterns on regulus’ leg. bc he has to go back to his own dorm in an hour so sirius doesn’t find out yet, bc he’d lose his shit, and james needs to protect what time he has.

the day sirius does find out, he can sit there and calmly explain while Sirius is yelling at him, being held back from throwing anything near him by remus. bc regulus is the love of his life, he plans to marry this boy, and he loves sirius, he really does, and he’ll end things with regulus if he has to, but he’s going to do everything in his power not to overreact and cause things to lead there.

the day james proposes to regulus, he stays on his knees in the garden regulus helped with in his backyard, holding the ring out above him waiting for an answer, without moving a muscle, no matter how hard he wants to let his foot move or fingers tap, bc goddamn it this moment it special and he’s not going to ruin it by dropping the ring, and he’d rather remember this as the second best day of his life ( second only to the actual wedding day ), and that wouldn’t happen if he dropped the ring.

the day he marries regulus is another instance. as he watches regulus walk down the aisle in his gorgeous suit, he refrains himself from running to him, scooping him up, and carrying him the rest of the way, bc someone that beautiful shouldn’t have to ever lift a finger, but he doesn’t, and he doesn’t tap his foot, and he doesn’t run a hand through his signature messy hair that he knows reggie loves, bc that his is fucking fiancé and he won’t miss a single bit of this, no matter what.

james potter may have adhd, or maybe he’s just really hyper all the time, but he will not miss the wonderful moments for anything, no matter what.

a/n: yo not me actually writing something on here

fucking finally

anyways , i’m kinda proud of this honestly. and it all started from me staring out the window , listing to chase atlantic. it’s the little things people.

somebody should request something simple like this , give me more writing motivation. also, if you liked it , please share , like , or reblog!

132 notes - Posted February 26, 2022

#2

the “when it’s finally me and you and you and me, just us and your friend steve do do do do do do do steve ”

but it’s eddie recording at the video store, nancy trying to flirt with robin, and steve trying to weasel his way into the convo for two reasons. 1) to be robin’s wingwoman. 2) he’s bored and eddie is ignoring him

138 notes - Posted July 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

the part that gets me the most about geraskier fics is when geralt messes up, causing jaskier pain, and as soon as he realizes what he did, and then his emotions are described as him “never having felt like the monster the humans called him as much as he did now.”

575 notes - Posted June 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[tanyaheathbusiness]

Why Buy Shoes with Removable Heels?

Well for one -- who doesn’t want more options in their fashion?! But in all seriousness, it’s an incredible concept that has so many plus sides. Shoes with removable heels from Tanya Heath are becoming the next big thing in shoe fashion and there are so many reasons why.

Being in the fashion industry, I won’t lie, one of the biggest draws for us is the fact that you can buy a simple yet fashionable shoe and you can mix and match the heel to suit your outfit every day. You get so many options in just one shoe.

One, day you want the tried and true full black shoe and heel, then just click on a matte or patent black heel. The next day, you want to show something a little funkier, then spice it up with a full rainbow sparkle, or a patent red heel. The sky is the limit with the pairings you can create, and we couldn’t love this idea more. Who needs a mood ring when you have removable heels to match your mood!

Here are four reasons you’ll love shoes with removable heels from Tanya Heath Paris.

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Invest in a more quality pump, boot, and sandal, then use the ability to change the color and the height of your removable heels to cover everything you might need. You also have vegan options so you can enjoy the innovation, comfort, and beauty of these shoes while knowing that no harm was caused in the creation of your shoes.

No adding to consumerism and no carrying around 20 pairs of shoes in your car, or keeping a wardrobe at your office. You can do it all with an extra set of heels that fit right into your purse.

Shoes with removable heels save space

And let’s add that to the list too… you save space in your closet (wherever your closet might be since I know a lot of us keep extra shoes at the office!). When you only have to invest in a few great pairs of shoes with removable heels, then you save so much space and don’t have to worry that you bought this pair or that pair to go with a specific outfit.

They’re expertly made in Portugal and France

Did I mention that these shoes are made in Portugal, and the removable heels are made in France?

Not only can we say that our shoes are ethically made, but we know about the workers. We’ve spoken to Tanya Heath about them and heard about their lives and their backstories. In this current situation, we’ve even heard about how the COVID world has affected them personally. We are a very family-oriented business, and knowing about the individuals who handcraft these shoes is very important to us.

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Of course, we saved the best for last. No more sore feet!

Our Tanya Heath shoes are amazing on their own. You’ll be pleasantly surprised that high-heeled shoes can be so comfortable. Being able to change out the removable heel on your shoes while you’re on the go will save your feet from the aches and pains of being in the same shoes all day and possibly all night too.

Say you can happily wear a couple-inch heel all day, but do you commute to work? It would be so much more comfortable to use your short Christophe heels to commute to work. Then on your way home, you have errands to run - back into the Christophe heel to give your feet a break after a full day in your Denis or Daniel removable heels. Or you don’t have time to go home in between a day at the office and that party you’re invited to. Throw a pair of Damien or Francois in your purse and you’re set to show off your sexy side.

If all of these reasons haven’t convinced you by now, then you’ll have to come try them for yourself. With a variety of pumps, sandals, and boots to try, plus so many heels, you’ll have trouble choosing.

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[clarichoupie]

Random things I noticed, or liked, in “The Quarry” after playing it over and over again. (part 1)

I know most people don't like him that much but I love Max. I love the cute nicknames he gives to Laura, he's the first one to make stupid jokes and accuse bears, he’s sweet and apologizes even when it's not his fault. Seriously, I love him too much.

Speaking of which, Laura didn't do anything to get them out of their situation, she didn't fix the car and she was the one who went into the forest, so what right does she have to yell at Max like that? Calm down darling!

The game tries so hard to show us the traces of blood on Travis that I think it takes us for blind.

What terrifies me the most in the prologue is not even the monsters or anything, but just Max's screams of pain. Hearing the characters suffer when they are hurt or dying... it gives me chills.

Is it just me or is the moon like.... ten times too big at the end of the prologue? I've never seen a moon that big.

What exactly is Kaitlyn wearing? I mean, clearly she looks amazing in her clothes (so pretty...) but did she actually take a sweatshirt to cut it out? It looks so much like it was ripped...

It's funny how no matter what your previous choice is, Emma and Abi will always arrive as if they’re carrying bags in their hands.

I love the look on Dylan's face when he realizes that Ryan was right behind him, like: "Damn, did he hear me?"

Jacob and Ryan really do have a "friend/hate" relationship. Is Jacob jealous of Ryan? Was Ryan obnoxious to Jacob? Either way, they seem to really fight in every interaction.

I still firmly believe that "You know, I'd lose my head if it wasn't stuck on" is a reference to Chris from Until dawn. And yes, I'm totally basing it on the fact that they have the same name, because I love it when Supermassive games make reference to their own games.

Ryan is really the definition of that smiley face “😐” when he doesn't know what to say to Chris.

I understand that Chris trust Ryan but why put him in charge? No one seems to listen to him, the poor guy doesn't have the charisma for the job. Why not Kaitlyn? She's already the mom of the group.

Saying “No” to the party with Ryan is definitely funny. The whole group clearly hates Ryan except for Abi, Jacob is awful and makes fun of him, and Dylan seems just miserable for putting his crush in a terrible position. Wow... what amazing friends...

Why did Bobby get all covered in blood if he just need it on his face? Isn't that a waste? It looks like he literally showered himself in blood.

I didn't really know how to say a "wheelbarrow" in english, so the first time I had a hard time understanding what the problem was with Jacob's sentence. However, he, is supposed to speak his own language...

I don't know who made these drawings.... but if you haven't noticed them yet, see how cute they are! Is this the beta version of Abi? The one we see in the concept arts? And I let you admire the busy schedule of the month! (If you want ideas for fanfictions)

“Darn-tootin’doozie of a day” really means something?! What is this language? I thought English was supposed to be easy!

Do people really throw their phones around like that? Because personally if you dare to throw my phone at me, no matter how close or far, you're clearly in trouble.

I'm actually impressed because it's incredibly more interesting not to kiss Nick than to do it. I mean, you're really skipping some pretty good dialogue by doing this stupid action.

Seeing Abi climb to the top of a tree is definitely fun. Very bad idea of course but you should try!

[twopoppies]

ginaaa i read our lives, non fiction bc of you a while back and i loved it so much, i was wondering if you had any rec that has sorta the same feel, i really loved the tension, the fact they were "rivals", the way harry/marcel was so out of it for louis, it was so good omg, anyways im rambling now lol thats it thank you for you recs 💞

Isn't that such a terrific fic? God, their writing is just beyond. So... I have a list of great Enemies to Lovers fics, although there aren't too many where I'd say they were rivals. But here's what I can suggest:

The Serpent and the Lion by louiseparker (E, 212K) Despite the fact that I have zero interest in Harry Potter, I was pulled into this immediately and read all 200+K in two days. The author does a wonderful job of creating a nuanced OT5 friendship, writes great dialogue, and draws a intricate picture of life at Hogwartz. Most of all, I loved the use of flashbacks to tell the story, the deeply layered characterization of Harry, and how wonderfully he and Louis fit together and brought out the best in each other. I’m so happy I found this one.

Tainted Saints and Velvet Vices by Toomanytears (M, 126K) Let me start by saying that I know next to nothing about Harry Potter, but this crossover was so much fun to read. I thought this author did a terrific job of creating a realistic hatred/rivalry and growth for both boys so when they come together it’s as good for us as it is for them (well, maybe they have more fun — the smut is slow burn, but it’s well done)!

(Take Me Home) Country Roads by Awriterwrites / @a-writerwrites (E, 87K) This is one of my favorite fics from this author (one of my favorite fics all around, actually). First of all, it’s so funny. Second, I love the way the author set up the initial distrust and misunderstanding while still making it believable that the characters would come to respect each other. Plus, once they finally get together the chemistry is so, so good.

I’ve Been Hoping You’d Be Somewhere Better Than This by runaway_train / @runaway-train-works (E, 40K) I love a fic where they’re thrown together for work and both cannot get along and cannot resist each other. This one is really fun and really hot and definitely worth a read. Plus, it’s part one of a 4-part series (which I haven’t yet read, but I’m looking forward to doing it soon)!

Close to Nowhere by @angelichl (E, 35K) I really enjoyed the unique story and the way Harry and Louis relate to each other in this one. It’s fun and quirky and sexy and keeps you on the edge until the end. Definitely worth checking out.

everything that shine ain’t always gonna be gold by sarcasticfluentry (E, 49K) You don’t need to know anything about the movie that inspired this fic (it’s an Inception AU). What you do need to know is that it’s got great OT5, it’s super sexy, it’s got a terrific story line, and the pacing is just right for a nail biter.

Empty Skies by green_feelings / @greenfeelings (E, 13K) I just started re-reading this the other day and it holds up so well. This author is always a pleasure to read. Their fics just are well plotted and the characters are nicely fleshed out. I loved Perrie as Harry’s bestie, the bitterness and angst is PAINFUL, and the ending feels well-earned.

Yellow by 13ways (E, 85K) Oh mah gawd. I love this fic so much. This was the result of a reverse big bang I made a prompt for and I’m forever grateful that this was the author who chose it! Yes, it’s Batman/Catwoman. No, you don’t ned to know anything about the comics. But wow! Such good pacing, the smut scenes are fire, the concept is so original and keeps you guessing until the very end. Link is to a download

The Finish Line (Is A Good Place For Us To Start) by LoadedGunn (E, 122K) F1 racers Louis and Harry. I really need to read this again because it’s been ages. But suffice it to say that this author always delivers with pacing, smut, and an exciting story. This time we’ve got race car drivers, great banter, and great OT5 friendship.

And last, the one you mentioned:

Our Lives, Non Fiction by @indiaalphawhiskey (E, 114K) this is, quite literally, the best fic I’ve read in years. It’s so well written, clever, funny, emotional, and sexy. Its draw you in immediately and you’ll end up falling in love with these characters before you know it. Don’t miss this one.

[miekasa]

your dad!levi headcanons made my day. would you happen to have any thoughts about dad!eren?🥺

Unfortunately... I do 🤒🤒 he’d be such a determined but fun dad, like I don’t think he'd be completely lax, but he's not an authoritarian either, but he definitely butts heads with his kids when they get a little older and more rambunctious, and you gotta remind him to be patient with them because... because they're exactly how he was when he was 8 😭😭

He was stupid excited when he found out you were gonna have kids. Like, way more excited than you thought he’d be; you’ve maybe mentioned kids in passing or casually, and he was never negative about the prospect of them, but he had never shown this level of excitement before.

He gets even more excited when you find out you’re having twins. And then reality hits him that you’re having twins. That means two of them. At the same time. Yeah, he might have been excited about one, but two... the whole dad thing really kicks in right there. 

He has this period of time where he’s definitely still supporting you and being positive throughout your pregnancy, but then he’ll lay awake at night scared shitless of the fact that he’s gotta raise two kids. He starts freaking out so bad, Mikasa has to slap some sense into him. 

He’s losing it one night at her place, completely having a downward spiral of doubt and anxiety, going off about what ifs and how maybe you’d be better with someone else being a dad to them and Mika literally slaps him to shut him up. “You are going to be a dad to those kids, and you’re gonna be a good one, too, Eren. Nobody’s saying you won’t fuck up, but you’ll have help along the way.” 

He feels better after that (his cheek hurts like hell for two days tho), and the reassurance from Mikasa and you really does help, and he’s back on track to bouncing off the walls about having kids. 

Obsessed with the concept of baby clothes (“Babe, are they really gonna be this tiny??”), but he doesn’t understand the sizing of them. Is there really that big of a difference between four month olds and ten month olds?? He hasn’t grown that much in six months, why would they?? 

Don’t even get him started on baby shoes, he thinks those are completely ridiculous: “Their toes are gonna be the size of my pupils, why would we put shoes on them?? That’s dumb, we’ll just get those fuzzy socks to keep em warm when they’re cold, I don’t wanna squash their growing toes.” 

He cries when he holds them for the first time, because, they are, predictably, tiny. Tinier that he ever could have thought imaginable; he can hold is son and his daughter with one hand each and it’s an incredibly tender and heartwarming and humbling thing to him. 

He literally cried more than you throughout the whole delivery, too. He was a complete emotional wreck; happy and jittery one moment, anxious and nervous the next, crying no matter what, and yeah, he might have passed out once or twice, but don’t mention it. 

Gives the twins a “house tour” when you take them home from the hospital, narrating it every bit of the way. He holds them both to his chest, slowly parading around your house like, “And this is the kitchen, and this is the fridge where we keep your baby mush. It tastes bad, I tried it, but hopefully you’ll like it.” 

Your daughter looks like you, but also like Carla; and your son has damn near all of Eren’s features, and they both got his green eyes (lucky them). Eren is obsessed, and loves playing peek-a-boo with them. 

When his paternity leave is up, he figured he’d go back to work first and leave you at home with the kids to give you more time to rest and let your body have more time to adjust after giving birth. Half-way through his first day back, he calls out early under the pretenses of being sick because he misses you guys that much. 

He calls out sick for the remainder of the week too, and finally by Friday he sits down with you and is like, “I know we said I would go back to work first but I don’t think I can do it, babe. I wanna stay and hang out with them all day before they’re too big and have to go to school.”

And that, is essentially, how Eren comes to the conclusion that he wants to be a stay at home dad. It doesn’t surprise you, or anyone really, it was only a surprise to himself; but it was a surprise to him that nobody else was surprised. 

“What do you guys mean you ‘saw this coming?’” he questions you, Mikasa, and Armin sporadically, “I could have gone back to work if I wanted to!!” To which, you look around at his friends, before Armin finally speaks up, a slight roll to his eyes, “Eren, you can hardly leave them with me or Mikasa for two hours. How did you expect to make it through the work day.”

When they get a bit older, he’s the champ of playing games with them. Acts out the most dramatic “deaths” when he gets shot by a Nerf gun, becomes the most convincing doctor when playing fake hospital, and has learned a pretty damn impressive Mickey Mouse impression to entertain them. 

It’s your daughter that turns out to get most of Eren’s... determined personality. She might only be three years old, but she can argue with him as if she graduated from law school, and swears he never wins with her. How could he; it’s like arguing with himself, please they both stomp away and have to cool down after. 

They make up pretty quick tho, because Eren hates it when they’re mad in general, much less mad at him or you; and he sulks to you, borderline whining about how he doesn’t want her to hate him. You reassure him that she does not hate him, she’s just... feisty like he is. 

It’s her twin brother that consoles and calms her down, because he’s the more tame of the two. By the time Eren’s knocking on the door to their room to talk it out and apologize, she’s already knocked out, leaning up against her brother as they both take a nap. (It’s a sight that could bring him to tears, and he slowly closes the door and goes to cuddle up to you, while he waits for them to finish napping). 

He absolutely loves to lift them up, and even has they get bigger, he insists they’ll never be too big for him to hold them. Both he and the twins get a kick out of having them hang off his arms while he spins around in a circle like a little human sprinkler. 

Family picnics and/or beach days happen often, and more often than not, it ends up with Eren and the kids coercing (see: pulling) you to the water or to play with them.

By the end of the day, Eren’s laying on the blanket lazily eating a sandwich hich you’d packed earlier, with his son sat criss-cross on his stomach. He teases him by airplaining the sandwich near his mouth, only to take a bite of it himself after, because he adores the betrayed exclaimation of “Daddy! No fair!” Eren’s always sure to give him a bite for real after, and a little kiss on the head to make up for it. 

Your daughter sits in your lap, half-asleep, even tho moments before she was oh-so determined to play volleyball against her dad again (“And I’m gonna win, mommy, watch! Daddy’s tall, but I can win!”)

He lets them draw/color/paint on his back. He’ll just lay down on a blanket in the living room and let them go to town. Face painting, too, though that’s for when they’re a bit older; he learns the hard way that a two year old can have pretty rough hands. 

The complete and utter disappointment and betrayal in his eyes when he hears your son proclaim that he thinks Jean is “cool.” Eren has to take a lap, he can’t believe his own kin would say some shit like that. 

Your daughter loves Mikasa, thinks she’s the absolute best person in the world, and always asks if she can be the one to babysit. They both like Armin, too, but Armin’s gotta stay away from your son for a bit because for whatever reason, his blonde hair is very amusing to him, and the kid’s got a pretty strong grip. (“Stop bullying your Uncle Armin, it’s not his fault he’s blonde.”)

You often catch him doing push ups with either one or both of them on his back, and the kids fucking love it. They’re cheering him on, counting completely out of order about the amount of push-ups he’s done, and clapping every time he comes up again. It becomes his favorite workout. 

He swears they’re his best friends and his favorite people in the entire world. He does everything with them: getting the oil changed in his car, going to the store, picking up the mail. He just loves being around them and swears he’s gonna be the best dad for them. 

[acerace]

...you have opened my eyes to a vast universe of VintageBeef lore that I was unaware of. I knew about the New Hermit Order, of course, and the UHC invention, and I've watched a few of his CTM things but -- I will take all the info and lore you feel like giving out because Beef is amazing and my knowledge is so small.

Vintagebeef my beloved <3

So the thing is, right, until about 2016 I only watched two (2) youtubers- Vintagebeef for Minecraft and aDrive for Pokemon (and funnily enough both of them are named Dan irl). So I've watched most of Beef's videos over the years and have a general knowledge of most of his stuff, except because it's been like a decade I don't remember where most of the lore comes from XD

The thing with him is that he doesn't do Lore tm the way other mcyters often do lore- he doesn't have an extensive RP series to draw from like Grian, doesn't have a solo world with steadily increasing amounts of lore like Etho or Zisteau, and while he's played on SMPs and been involved in storylines before it's not really the focus of his episodes unlike with Evo or Legacy or Empires

So where does that leave us?

IRL, Beef always has multiple series running at the same time. Often he's playing on an smp while doing a singleplayer, often modded, series as well as a CTM or modpack with a group of friends. For example, right now he's playing on Hermitcraft, doing weekly Pixelmon and Building a Zoo episodes, and a CTM map with Slip. And to me, this translates to one thing: Beef is an adventurer. He travels frequently- he explores a world and when he decides he's done, he leaves for the next one. That's the basis of my personal interpretation of his series and his character for my writing.

Ok so reading this back, this got extremely long and didn't explain much in the way of lore, somehow? If anyone has any additions to add please do so, I am very definitely leaving out a lot and would love to see what other lore people remember and are using for Beef! I didn’t include the Hermitcraft stuff since my memory of season 4 is blurry (his base was themed after the Martian, that much I know, and he and Iskall were buddies :D) and most of the s5 NHO lore is best watched from Bdub’s perspective from what I remember, and the only s6 stuff is a single line in Hermitgang and then the Area 77 arc with its possibility of an NHO reunion which we did not get rip. And s7 of course had the cloning machine and also the Podzol Party as the main lore. So all the original rambling is still below the cut though it is very long, and I'm gonna bullet point the main stuff here instead:

Actual canonical things:

Invented UHC and was the only survivor of the first ever uhc (Mindcrack UHC s1)

Married to an ender dragon (one of the UHCs I think), later father to a different dragon (Mindcrack season 3? I think?)

Might not have legs if you choose to take that joke as canon (Mindcrack s2)

Was a wizard (RAD)

is a zookeeper (Building a Zoo) 

Had a wife and kids (Sims in Minecraft)

Part of the Trial of the B Team court case (Mindcrack)

NHO founder, founder of the Podzol Party (Hermitcraft)

Created a cloning machine that sort of works (Hermitcraft)

Played the Forest which is I believe the first time he and Keralis played together (look up the trigger warnings for this one, it's a horror game)

Was the creator/owner of Sourceblock SMP (featuring some familiar faces if you know Legacy, Empires, or MCC) and there is literal magic from a mysterious sourceblock of water that teleports people and summons mobs and probably more stuff that I haven't seen yet since I'm still watching it myself

Things you can infer:

Good with animals (Life in the Woods, Pixelmon, Ark)

Is a car nerd (irl and all of the car games he's played)

Is a highly experienced adventurer who has traveled through dozens of worlds both vanilla and modded, across multiple dimensions (Twilight Forest, the Aether, the Betweenlands, Limbo), completed dozens of monuments, fought in blood sports, survived apocalypse after apocalypse, tamed dinosaurs, and played a lot of prop hunt and golf with your friends

If you're looking for what to watch for lore purposes, I'd say the Mindcrack UHCs and Team Canada's RAD series are pretty good, definitely Sourceblock and HC s5, plus the Diversity CTM maps and Ruins of the Mindcrackers maybe? And Mindcrack Prank Wars for the chaos and the origin of Team Canada. And if you can handle horror than the Forest is fun and if you don't do horror you can watch the Pojkband play golf or prop hunt they're hilarious I love them sm I want a Pojkband reunion So Bad 

Beef's first series was a singleplayer series in beta 1.4_01 though he had played the game extensively before that, and was a big fan of Guude, having watched his own Minecraft videos. The series was functionally a hardcore one where if he died Beef would delete the world and start again! I haven't actually Watched this series so idk if he died or how often lmao. When Guude made Mindcrack, which was btw one of the very first Minecraft SMPs, he also hosted a competition for people to join, and Beef submitted a video (which is still viewable on his channel I believe!) and won, and was added to Mindcrack in season 2 :D (fun fact, Guude said that even if Beef hadn’t won he would have added him anyway) 

Two running jokes emerged from Mindcrack- pulling a Vintagebeef and Beef doesn't have legs. The first is a reference to Beef dying of fall damage (I believe the exact instance was him trying to jump into his swimming pool and failing spectacularly) and after the incident, every time someone died of fall damage they were pulling a Vintagebeef. The second joke comes from Guude, who joked that the reason Beef wasn't going to a convention was because he didn't have legs, and then he pranked Beef's base by building a giant pair of legs at the entrance to his castle so you had to walk between them to get into the base. This joke has long since died and both Beef and Guude feel pretty bad about it iirc because there were people who genuinely thought Beef was disabled and were emailing him supportive messages and stuff oops. So if you go looking on the Salad or find old Mindcrack fics, you might see references to Beef having prosthetic legs!

Mindcrack also brought about the creation of several Player groups- Team Nancy Drew, Team Canada, and GOB to name a few relevant to Beef. Team Nancy Drew consists of Beef, Pauseunpause, Guude, and Baj, who formed to investigate a prank on one of the members but I forget who. They're named Nancy Drew after the detective! Team Canada also formed in retaliation to pranks, with it consisting of Beef, Etho, and Pause, the three Canadian members on the server (not including Adlington who moved to Canada but never joined the group). There was also a Team America who pranked them with American flags everywhere. GOB is Guude, OMGChad, and Beef, who played stuff like the Ragecraft, Pantheon, and Monstrosity ctms together but that's way down the line lol

Team Nancy Drew is also notable for inventing UHC. It was Beef's brainchild but it was the four of them who first played it! The first UHC had the four of them working to kill the dragon with no natural regen, with everyone dying but Beef, who "won" the UHC. The second uhc was still dragon focused and iirc is where Beef married the dragon? Memories are hazy but they do kill the dragon in this one I think. UHC was then revamped as a pvp event and became a regular Mindcrack game every few months, featuring most of the Mindcrackers and several special guests, including Dinnerbone, who as we know Thanos-snapped Doc's arm out of existence as a result of Doc killing him in one of them

In one of the seasons of Mindcrack, Beef invited swedish Mindcracker and good friend Anderzel to go caving with him and invented ABBA Rules caving, where the winner takes it all. ABBA Rules is a game where each ore (and also dungeon loot like nametags) is assigned a point value and the person with the most points at the end wins and gets to keep all the stuff collected from the game.

In Mindcrack season 3?, Beef punched the ender dragon in an... awkward area, so when the dragon died and left the egg behind, Guude said Beef was the father of the egg XD I don't remember if I watched s3 so I have no idea if anything Happened with this concept but *history of the world voice* you could make lore out of this!

So Team Canada has played a Lot of CTM maps (which fun fact were pretty much invented by another Mindcrack member, Vechs, with his Super Hostile series! Super Hostile has a bunch of things called "Zistonian", which are references to another Mindcrack member Zisteau, who has a very wild singleplayer series with even wilder lore but I digress). In Ruins of the Mindcrackers, they had a running joke that Beef was Etho and Pause's mom, which is a joke we can leave in the past actually /lh. They also played all the Diversity maps, Sky Factory, Terra Restore, Uncharted Territory uhhh and a couple more ctms and adventure maps! Each map kinda has its own story so in Diversity 3 for example they were trapped in a simulation? I think? Team Canada also recently played the Roguelike Adventures and Dungeons modpack, aka RAD, in which Beef was a wizard with a magic staff that could do anything from summon lightning to control hostile mobs.

Sourceblock SMP is a vanilla survival 1.14 series that ran for one season and the series starts with each of the Players being drawn to a strange sparkling water source that, once they touch it, brings them to the Sourceblock world. It also summons a giant zombie at one point. There's probably more lore for this series but like I said I haven't watched it all the way through yet 

He has a Patreon server called VintageCraft and has done a series or two on there as well, and played a few UHCs with them, so lore that how you will! 

Beef also played a few popular mods, notably Pixelmon, Life in the Woods, and Feed the Beast, with LitW being singleplayer and the other multiplayer. He's also recently played the Zoo and Wild Animals mod a lot. He did a short series with the Minecraft Comes Alive mod where he married one of the villagers and had two children, so that's canon now :D he’s played a Lot of Pixelmon starting when the mod first came out iirc (he chose Turtwig in his first series and built a Grass gym, then made a Normal gym in another series in uhh 2016) and he still plays to this day. Quite a few Hermits played on his Pixelmon servers with him, like Wels, Etho, Iskall, Stress, Slip, Zueljin, and also Guude and Phedran (a Mindcrack adjacent player and creator of the LitW modpack) and a few Mindcrackers on the older servers 

Mindcrack and friends played a lot of other games too- 7 Days to Die, Ark Survival Evolved, Unturned, to name a few, so you can pull a lot of lore out of these as well. Speaking of friends and non-Minecraft games, Beef teamed up with Pause, Keralis, and Slip (a former Hermit) to play the horror game the Forest, which saw them stuck on an island trying to survive against terrifying mutated human... things. They played it a few times as the game updated but as afaik it's the first time Beef played with Keralis and possibly Slip and since the game starts with the Player's airplane crashing, that could totally be how Beef first met them in-universe 

I... think? that’s everything I mentioned in the tags? There is probably way more stuff I’ve forgotten that stems from inside jokes and things that happen within each series, but I hope that was a) helpful and b) at least somewhat comprehensible lmao 

[alleunwalk]

tokyo revengers idol au hcs part 3 that no one asked for AGAIN here’s part 1 and part 2 to get a better understanding.  this is what the members would be doing alongside their idol promotions+ what they would post on social media  toman tbh these guys are all just so damn funny on their own that they would constantly be invited to comedy variety shows. maybe perhaps doing something similar to seventeen or wanna one where they even have their own variety show on youtube (ie. seventeen’s-going seventeen series or wanna one’s show on mnet)  mikey-he would post basic food pics like of his parfaits or taiyaki but also it’s rare because he’d constantly forget his password. however on important days he’ll post long emotional and sentimental posts that hit you in your feels thanking his members and fans always. he also has a youtube channel posting random funny vlogs. draken- he has his own personal soundcloud to upload solo mixtapes/songs feat diff members. posts photos of his bikes and different tattoos he would be getting. responds with 1-2 words to fans during fansigns or ig comments but like mikey, once in a while, will also write heartfelt posts thanking everyone.  baji- his ig feed is filled with animals + dance practice vids. also has his own soundcloud too. trolls his members by commenting on their stuff. “delete this u ugly mf no one wants to see this”.  takemichi- very chatty, (sometimes too chatty where he’ll end up accidentally spoiling their next album info) and interactive on social media to his fans. tries his best to respond to most comments or ama ig stories questions. posts a lot of selfies and photos of his members. king of fan service.  chifuyu- beautiful photos of the sky a lot on his ig (in canon he wanted to be a pilot :,) ) along with cute soft selfies. (which baji and kazutora troll and comment being like “damn....u ugly AF!” “lmao stop pretending to act cute u loser”  kazutora- his ig is filled with pure chaos. just pics of him catching his members slipping (sleeping photos where they’re drooling or have their eyes slightly open or making ugly faces behind the scenes). also has photos of cursed memes and memes made by fans. he’s a literal enigma.  mitsuya- very wholesome ig photos- lots of photos of his family, group photos, sometimes cool artsy edited selfies. occasional photoshoot photos.  hakkai- ig is filled lots of #ootd photos and occasional photos from his modeling or acting gigs (he’s the visual, duh!) gets a lot of sponsorships from big brands.  pah-chin: has a joint youtube channel with peyan. they do silly challenges but will sometimes post dance videos (feat. baji) since they’re the main/lead dancers. fans love him because of his “matter-of-fact” responses that are funny without even trying. (example- fan comment: omg i love u guys soooo much u guys are the best in the whole world!!!<333 toman OUTSOLD!.  pah-chin: idk about best in the world but we’ll just take “the best in our neighborhood” for now i guess. thanks.”)  peyan: joint youtube channel with pah-chin. at fan signs mikey has to warn him to chill out cuz peyan will accidentally yell and scare fans without meaning to, but he’s just really excited to meet his fans is all ^_^   angry: posts a lot of wholesome photos like mitsuya (selfies with smiley) and writes a lot of motivational sweet captions cheering fans up and reminding them to always be happy :,)  smiley: joint youtube account with angry. smiley does a lot of prank videos and angrys just usually in the back like  🧍‍♂️... he also does tiktok- he would be doing all the dances, memes, and trends.  inui: ok hear me out, i mentioned before inui has similar vibes as cha eunwoo so i’d figure his ig would give the same vibe as his (iykyk). since he’s the other visual he would be getting a TON of acting and modeling gigs. idk why but i feel like inui would be a great actor (his facial expressions during tenjiku arc, the range!). actor of the year. gets a lot of skincare commercial deals too. 

black dragons shinichiro- photos of bikes, cars, and photos where hes pretending to do a cool pose but his members (+mikey) would troll and comment “LAME!!!!!” “why tf do u look like that?” “hey leader, it’s not too late to delete this now bestie :)” does fun ig lives. on variety shows as a joke his members tease him there as well. really great at fan-service and pulls the whole “pretend boyfriend” scenario with fans (the delusional fans are gonna act up if he keeps this up...).  taiju- (if shinichiro did not exist in this au OR if you wanted both in the group) photos of him at the gym, photoshoot photos.  inui- similar to if he was in toman, his ig would just be a lot of cool and cute photos of him from behind the scenes of dramas or photoshoots. a soft visual king. occasional selfies with koko and bike photos.  kokonoi- has a personal youtube channel but he would be Drowning in sponsorship videos all from high-end designer brands. he’s just casually flexing that PPL in his vlogs. ig feed is a lot of #ootd photos or pics taken with inui. him and inui would be makeup brand ambassadors or faces of brands (ex: like jennie from blackpink represents chanel). in this case kokonoi would be the face of fendi (he wears fendi slides in the manga cover) and inui would be the face of jimmy choo (his heels in the manga cover looked like jimmy choo but i could be wrong.. but u know what i mean) 

tenjiku  izana- pretty leader has a very artsy ig feed. extremely photogenic like inui. has photoshoot photos and candid pose photos. acts in dramas time to time (gg second male lead syndrome).  kakucho- posts gym or dance practice videos on his feed but he posts rarely because he’s just too busy or forgets he actually has an ig. loves commenting on takemichi’s posts “haha no wonder ur called baka-michi!” as a joke.  kanji- posts gym photos but it’s rare because he always forgets his password.  ran- the other visual. he would be modeling for high-fashion brands and go on runway shows. also definitely gives off actor vibes (he would be constantly casted in dark action movies hahaha). loves giving fan service.  rindou- in contrast to his brother, rindou when it comes to fan service, he loves trolling fans. also he’s really good at drawing a line between fans (y’know, keeping the delusional ones in check...which means he ‘friend-zones’ them but it’s for their own good tbh idols need to remind people their boundaries). has a youtube channel where he just posts random dance practice vids and occasional vlogs. also comments under his brothers ig posts “you look stupid af in this wtf”. on variety shows people find their brotherly banter hilarious.  mutou- posts gym photos, also really awkward selfies (he doesn’t know what his angle is lmao). another member who also reminds fans of their boundaries and keeps it real. (sanzu always likes his photos though and hypes him up in the comments).  sanzu- shy baby. constantly following mutou around. posts a lot of cute selfies and random pics of shogi stuff (he tags mutou in it of course). during fan signing/autograph sessions they love putting cute headband props on him like this or this. 

bonten because this group’s concept and aesthetic is mysterious, mature, artsy, gloomy, and dark they will take this concept to the grave. (minus a few exceptions) they are invited to variety/talk-shows but never make an appearance because they want to keep the air of mystery around them. (it’s a good marketing technique).  mikey- does not have any social media. he does have a private account to lurk around but no one knows what it is.  kokonoi- has a youtube channel but it’s locked and you have to pay to get into it. posts super short vlogs and teasers. thats it. (the ultimate scam! but their fans love them too much to notice). lots of sponsored #ootd posts on ig.  kakucho- he would be modeling ONLY high fashion brands and high end editorial places. his instagram is just his exquisite and expensive modeling photos whether it be candid backstage photos from shows, candid runway walk pics/vids, pics of diff photoshoots you name it. doesn’t really comment much.  ran- visual. similar to kakucho- modeling ONLY high fashion brands and editorial places. instagram is filled with modeling photos but also some artsy scenery pics he took.  rindou- posts short artsy dancing clips (like modern dances in black&white filter) on ig.  sanzu- since he’s the other visual, he also posts a lot of his modeling/acting photos on instagram. also pretty chatty (he’s the exception) on social media and loves teasing and trolling fans. posts with a lot of random cute emojis on everything. “just ate lunch and now im off to practice hehe 🍜🍇🤟💃🤠🧚‍♂️💞🦋” no one really knows why he uses random emojis but it’s just endearing lmao.  kanji- no social media at all.  akashi- manager....or if you made him the rapper in this au then he too would also not have any social media. 

[dizzydancingdreamer]

Patience | Loki Laufeyson

Hey lovelies!! I caved and wrote this in the car today LOL! I've never written smut this short so I hope it still has all the goodness of a longer piece! it's def a challenge but I am quite pleased with the outcome! I hope you've all had a wonderful day and do enjoy Loki edging his girl in the castle gardens!

Appetizers (Tags): Smut, Fluff

Entres (Pairing): Loki x F!Reader (third person)

Sides (Prompts): 7: “Teach me.”

Notes: Loki is 'teaching' reader how to use her magic, requested by @hellotvshowtrash

THIS IS AN 18+ ONLY FIC!!!

Word Count: 1.7k

Dinner at Dizzy’s Master List

“Teach me.”

When she had asked that she never thought it would mean this. She never thought it would mean her back being pressed against the castle wall, Loki’s hand— one of many— pressing against her lips, keeping the feeble moans contained as another hand traces a delicate line down her navel.

She’s still fully clothed when his invisible fingers dip past her panties, only just having begun a walk through the gardens with the trickster god she’s grown fond of. He’s been charged with showing her the ropes of magic. Her abilities— quite like his own and rapidly increasing— needed honing and Frigga thought it best to learn from him. She wasn’t going to complain— she had become quite close with him in the months beforehand. Now, though, it’s different.

Very different.

Loki is a very— erm— hands on teacher.

She moans against the hand— the heavy, invisible, warm force that is entirely Loki but also entirely not— against her lips and he tsks, a teasing smile on his luscious lips. “Patience, dove. That’s the key to control. You must be patient.”

She balls her hands at her sides, pressing her lips together as she stares up at her teacher. In turn he meets her gaze, his real, physical hands resting neatly beside her head, caging her against the stone and shielding her body from anyone who may be passing by. She wants to complain— to grab those magic fingers she knows he has and shove them inside her. But he’s right. Frustratingly so. She knows the wait is worth it.

He leans down, nose brushing against her face, lips grazing her cheek so lightly she could scream. His breath is hot against her face, fanning her skin with his frosted lemon scent. It takes everything in her to keep her eyes on his and not rolling into the back of her head.

“Are you going to be patient?” He murmurs, nipping at her ear.

She doesn’t answer— she doesn’t nod like she knows he’s expecting. No one said she was an obedient student. When he pulls back she gives him what she hopes is a deadpan look— I can’t answer if you’re not going to let me talk. He sighs, rolling his crystal eyes, but the traces of his mischievous grin lingers and he snaps his fingers anyway. With a gasp the invisible hand over her mouth falls away, her lips meeting the cool garden air.

She smiles up at him, head cocking. “Maybe.”

The pressure on her stomach increases, ghostly fingers tapping on the soft skin below her waistband, just above where she aches for his touch. She scrunches her nose, swallowing the newest moan but holding her smile. His face remains calm, his lips inches from her own and twisted cruelly. She won’t win this— she already knows that— but she’ll try.

He leans down, letting his mouth wisp over her, smiling when he hears her tiny mewls. “You never learn, do you? What am I going to do with you, hmm?”

She grits her teeth, trying to shift her hips upwards towards the fingers but— like freakin’ magic— they move with her, remaining the same inch from where she needs him. It makes her throb harder, knowing that he’s right there.

“Keep teaching me?” She squeaks, voice airy— both from her attempts at teasing the trickster god back and from how pent up she’s beginning to feel.

He chuckles and it sounds like sex itself— sultry and easy and fun. “Oh you would like that, wouldn’t you dove?”

She nods furiously, sighing when his fingers— his real ones— wisp down her cheek, drawing over her neck before curling loosely around her throat. His thumb presses against the side of her neck, no doubt testing her response— her willingness. She— as always— presses back. Challenging him. Trusting him.

“Yes.” She breathes— whiney and hot— when she catches the flick of his brow.

She’s rewarded with the first touch of his magic, invisible fingers swiping through her folds, pulling a tiny gasp from her lips as sparks dance across her skin. She can taste them on her tongue, metallic and citrusy— completely him despite the fact that when he does it again, fingers circling her clit, she can feel her own magic in her fingertips.

This time when she pushes her hips up she isn’t met with resistance, only the skillful swirling of Loki’s energy against her and his amused, soft laughs. His hand around her throat pushes harder, steering her to let her head fall back against the wall while his other hand twists beside her cheek. He’s doing something and if she weren’t so lost in his ministrations— the hazy feeling clouding her head and the building pleasure in her squeezing core— then she would ask; what are you doing—

“Oh my— Loki—” She gasps as two magic fingers push inside her, pumping in and out so slowly she wonders at first if she's imagining it but— no— they’re definitely there.

“See what you can do with a little focus?” The god teases her, blue eyes electrified and dancing to her open mouth, fingers— flesh ones— pressing against her bottom lip.

She wastes no time wrapping her lips around them, bringing them into her mouth and sucking. He tilts his head at her when she swirls her tongue, brows drawing together, fingers pumping harder into her core, brushing the spot that has her seeing stars. When she moans around his fingers he blinks— the magic stopping and leaving nothing but a buzzing, fluttering between her thighs.

She goes to whine, nose scrunching again, but he beats her to it. “Patience, remember? It’s about control, dove.”

She understands the concept— she understands she has to focus and be patient— she just doesn’t want to do any of it. She doesn’t want control. Not now when her clit is aching and his fingers— fingers, magic, whatever— feel like the only thing that can make it go away. She just wants to cum. And she hopes he can see that when she pushes against his grip, pulling her lips from his fingers and pouting.

“Please Loki.” She bats her lashes at him, the waning of her pleasure making her fingers spark slightly in annoyance. “Need you so bad.”

His lips turn up again— that cruel twist of pretty flesh— and he blinks— again— and suddenly he’s back, fingers circling her bud and fingers pumping in and out of her at that steady, agonizing rhythm. He twists them, brushing her walls and drawing a little mewl from her lips. It should be concerning how fast she falls back into the pleasure— how quickly it builds up again— but she can’t think too hard about it when he’s curling his digits so wonderfully into her heat.

Still— despite the wonder it’s still too slow. The pleasure is all around her, consuming her bones and making her thighs shake, but she only teeters on the edge. If he keeps it up she will cum— she isn’t worried about that part— but she wants it now. She wants to fall off the edge and she wants him to push her.

She bucks her hips against his hand, brows pushing together and voice a mere whimper. “Faster— please, please, please faster!”

He only smiles and— “No Loki! don’t you dare—” Blinks.

When the hands disappear her tongue bursts with all the stored energy in her body once more. This time it doesn’t just taste like lemons it tastes like fire— like anger and passion and the throbbing ache of her damn core— and she could cry, tears pushing at her eyelids from how damn close she is. Her whole body feels like a live wire, humming with the memory of his touch. She wants to scowl at him— to lash out— but his blue eyes are too deep and she’s too weak to every little spark of pride.

“You’re doing so good for me. So so good—” This time it's his real hand— his warm, solid, completely him hand— that pushes past the waistband of her pants, long fingers pressing against her clit and sending an oversensitive jolt racing up her spine— “I think you’ve learned today’s lesson, don’t you dove?”

She can’t answer; she can only raise her hips, so desperate to feel him inside her that her own magic pulses at her palms, slamming into the stone behind her and making it rumble slightly. She blinks at the rush, her core throbbing with the new ebb and flow of her magic. It is that very moment which Loki sinks his fingers back into her, stroking the spot that seems to call his name. Her back arches off the wall, fingers biting into the stone and taking off chunks as she finally is brought back to the edge. Her body pulses under his touch and her power, vision spinning as she finds those blue eyes again. She’s so damn close—

“Let go for me.”

His words and the pleased, awed look in his eyes is all it takes for her to fall, core clenching around his fingers as her orgasm bursts behind her eyes. The power of it is unlike anything she’s ever felt— both at her hands and his— and if she weren't so blissed out she would roll her eyes at him for being right all the damn time. Stupid wonderful god with magic hands. Faintly, amidst the pleasure erupting in her stomach, she registers that there’s a green haze to her climax, tinting her surroundings the same jade as his shirt.

Always one for theatrics.

He doesn’t stop twisting his fingers until she's wrapping her hands around his wrists, legs trembling and blood more molasses than anything as she pulls him from her heat. He watches her closely, his own chest heaving, and, in a move bolder than she would normally enact, she brings his fingers— the very same ones that were just buried inside her— to her lips, slowly licking them clean of her. He tenses, eyes darkening, and she feels like the cat who got the cream— literally. He deserves it, she tells herself when she sees his other hand clench at his side, composure waning. Take that for being such a tease.

When she’s done she lets his hand drop, clicking her fingers and rearranging her disrupted clothes. She giggles when his jaw drops, dark brows furrowing. She does it again— snap— and moans gently at the feeling of her hair gently weaving itself back to it’s prior composed state. She passes him a coy smile.

“Control was never the issue.” She simpers, leaning up to press a chaste kiss to the gods throat. “But maybe I’ll need another lesson in patience soon.”

[jimlingss]

Maybe Baby Retreat

➜ Words: 12.7k

➜ Genres: 50% Fluff, 50% Smut

➜ Summary: In an attempt to conceive, Taehyung discovers a five day retreat dedicated to help with the impregnation process but you're fairly certain that the entire thing is a scam.

[Day One]   Taehyung should be fucking you.   It’s a bit crass to be grumbling that he’s not sticking his sperm in you, but your fertile window begins today and if he really wants a kid as much as he says he does, you wouldn’t be on a godforsaken bus.    The yellow school bus jumps and jolts as it goes down the jagged, unpaved road. Every bump is felt in the back by ten folds as you’re rocked from side to side on the seat and not on your husband’s dick. Said man is too busy singing along with the guide that’s living it up with a mic in hand and his voice on the intercom. He’s trying to bring up the morale, but you’re not having it.   Instead, you turn to the window and stare out at the empty countryside that stretches across the horizon. There’s not a car in sight and if you swear to god if you’re being shipped to a serial killer’s farmhouse, you’re dragging Taehyung down to hell with you.   “You’re frowning, sweetheart,” he says while leaning over to you, flashing a blazing grin much to your chagrin. “You know stress isn’t good for the baby.”   “It’s not like it matters. There is no baby.”   “Not yet.” Taehyung throws an arm around your shoulder, pulling you into him as you scoff. You’re aware being a Debbie Downer isn’t going to help anyone but it’s hard to loosen up when you’re so on guard and skeptical about this whole thing. When you’re surrounded by noisy strangers who are all too overfamiliar.   You suppose it was your fault to begin with.   All those nights of staying up to read about tricks and tips of conceiving led Taehyung to discover the Baby Retreat. A five day sanctuary that ensures people will be able to conceive.    The moment you saw it, you were certain that the whole thing was a scam, but your sweet summer child husband was wholly convinced and no matter what you said, it wouldn’t change his mind.   “Who knows, it might actually work, right?! And if it doesn’t, then it looks fun anyway! When was the last time we had a vacation together?”   It’s also your fault for being so soft. You couldn’t shut Taehyung down when he was so enthusiastic, so here you are. You took off a week off work and on your fertile day, you’re shipped onto a school bus out into the middle of nowhere.   “Oh! Looks like we’re here, folks!” The vehicle slows as it turns into the gravel parking lot and the guide smiles as he peers out the windshield. “Welcome to the Baby Retreat! I hope you leave with a few buns in the oven! And if not, then don’t worry, you can still eat for two here!”   There’s a few snickers and once the bus parks, everyone gets up, slowly shuffling out and stretching their legs.   The air is sweltering hot and the sun beams down onto the back of your neck, making it uncomfortable to breathe. You’re panting with sweat built on your hairline as you drag your luggage through the grass. But no one seems bothered by it. Maybe because they’re excited that they’re here, they have the energy to fill the field with their chatter.    Even Taehyung is grinning and he’s a certified whiner when it comes to hot weather. The guy blasts the air conditioner during summer until it feels like it’s winter. Though you have an inkling it’s just a tactic so you can cuddle up to him for warmth before bed.   “Come on, slowpoke!” Taehyung breaks through your train of thought and then abandons you by running ahead like a hyperactive five year old.    “I’d be faster if you helped me!” Taehyung doesn’t hear you. You wonder if you married a child — but you suppose that’s why you called him the light of your life during your vows. Like Yoongi once said at the dinner reception, Taehyung’s excessive energy is indeed a double-edged sword.   You follow the stream of people to the center building, a modern wooden structure in the middle of the fifteen yurts that form a circle. It surprisingly looks alike to the advertisements, each with a porch and steps up to the door. The grass is verdant and pliant beneath your feet, the numerous trimmed trees around providing some nice shade and the flower beds give bright splashes of colour to the place. If this retreat wasn’t oddly centered around impregnation, you would’ve been convinced that it was a fancy camping resort.   “Welcome everyone! Welcome to the Baby Retreat! I hope the trip here wasn’t too bad!”   You finally join Taehyung’s side and look towards the stage in front of the main building. There’s a man with a half-moon smile and chubby cheeks in a loose tunic and taupe pants. He stands next to a woman in a baggy poncho holding a ukulele for reasons beyond you.   “I see some familiar faces here! To all those already familiar with the Baby Retreat, welcome home. I’ll try to keep this short and simple, so you’re not too bored.” He claps his hands together with a bright smile. You look around at the crowd to see elated expressions. “My name is Park Jimin and this is my girlfriend, Song Hyunjin. A little about us, we’ve been together for over ten years and yes, we have an open relationship with each other, but that does not mean we aren’t in love with each other.”   He draws her in, nuzzling into her without shame and she giggles. “To our new faces, trust me, you’ll find out soon enough.”   Jimin pulls away with an enormous grin. “We haven’t had any children ourselves, but don’t worry. We’re reproductive endocrinologists with proper training and medical degrees. But we started this retreat four years ago to take a more unconventional approach to reproduction. And for the next five days, we have the honour of hopefully helping you ladies conceive and you males impregnate your partner!”   There’s some exchanged smiles and Taehyung looks at you with hopeful eyes. It feels better to hear these people aren’t uneducated and talking out of their ass, but you’re still unsure how to feel.   Hyunjin laughs. “Not only that, our goal is to help you relax and truly deepen your relationship with your partner. While we can’t promise a hundred percent success rate, hopefully you’ll leave this place feeling more refreshed than you did before. With that being said, please feel free to come up and ask us any questions. We’re very open people who are more than happy to help you in your process of expanding your wonderful families. There is nothing more beautiful than pregnancy and birth.”   She jumps off the stage and grabs a wooden crate. With a smile, she begins passing out packs.   Jimin continues, “For the next five days, we’ll be helping everyone improve their diets and exercise habits while getting plenty of vitamin D. What my lovely Hyunjin is handing out now are your survival kits!”    “For men, fenugreek supplements are given to improve your sperm counts and for the ladies, there are prenatal vitamins and folic acid. There’s also a guide to the activities provided around here and a map, some sunscreen and other knick-knacks to remember your time here. Don’t worry, we won’t bombard you with any pregnancy pamphlets or information. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing about that.”   It’s a bit refreshing to hear. You’ve been neck deep in research about conception that it’s been hard lately — another reason that you agreed to Taehyung’s whims.   “Are you the Kim family?” Hyunjin asks and when you confirm it, she hands both you and Taehyung cute pouches. You reluctantly take it, but when you thank her, she happily smiles. “Welcome to the Baby Retreat.”   The introduction drags on for a bit more before Hyunjin admits that it’s hot and that everyone’s probably tired, so the meeting ends and you open your pouch and find information on your yurt.   “Not too bad, right?”    Taehyung can tell by the look on your face as you gaze up at your white-tented yurt.   “We’ll see,” you mumble and he takes the luggage, following behind you. “I thought we were going to spend five days in an orange tent, so I guess this is better by default.”   “An orange tent?” He laughs. “But I showed you the commercial! Did you not pay attention?”   “People lie on advertisements all the time, Tae.”   But to your surprise, the interior of the yurt is even better than expected. It looks like a cozy cabin, wooden panel walls that separate the full kitchen from the full bathroom and provides some privacy to where the queen sized bed is. Light comes in from the top, filling the space with luminescence. There’s a mini-fridge filled with goods, plush towels set on the table with a personalized welcome card, down duvets that are soft to the touch.    And it’s wrecked the moment Taehyung jumps on the bed with his arms and legs wide open like a starfish. He rolls over and props his head up with his hand — in the position where he often asks you in a breathy voice to paint him like one of your french girls. And he uses the same voice on you now while wiggling his brows, “Wanna ruin the sheets with me?”   You burst out laughing, but it sounds all too tempting. He could probably dump a load in you within five minutes, though you’re not sure if anyone could hear you from the outside. “Didn’t they say there’s planned activities in an hour? What if we don’t show up.”   “It’s fine. People come here for one reason anyway.” There’s a pause. “To fuck.”   You roll your eyes, setting your suitcase next to the bed and you look at the nightstand to notice mineral oil lubricants. You’re mildly impressed at the details. “Thanks, Captain Obvious.”   “They won’t miss us.” Taehyung’s own attention is taken to a wooden basket on a shelf of the irregular shaped bookshelf and he comes over, only to grin when he sees what’s inside. “Honey. I think we should have some fun tonight.”   You turn around, wondering what he’s up to now. But any snarky remarks die on your tongue when you find a leather whip in his left hand and a ten inch, neon pink dildo in his other hand.   “Is that...even sanitary?!”    You can’t imagine how many people have used it.   “We can find out.” Taehyung fiddles around with it, pushes a button and the dildo begins to rotate, making the both of you laugh. “Honey, we gotta give them five stars on Yelp! They have a communal sex toy bin for us to use! We can’t get this anywhere else.”   “Oh god. I’d rather not share my sex toys with anyone.” The two of you are interrupted by muffled folk music that begins to leak inside and it persuades you to go out. “C’mon, we should go check out what they have. If we have to spend five days here, we might as well meet some other people too and be social or whatever.”   Taehyung grins, tossing the dildo back into the basket and joining your side. “You’re liking this place, aren’t you?”   “No. I just think the yurt’s half-decent.”   Taehyung can see right through you, but it’s a bit too early for the ‘told you so’ spiel so he holds back and the both of you step outside of the yurt. There’s a few people hanging around and the weather is more bearable as the sun slowly begins moving and setting over the horizon. You meet friendly newlyweds who are surprisingly having their honeymoon here.   “We just can’t wait to have kids,” Rose, the young twenty three year old, says as she embraces her husband, Hoseok. They’re no strangers to publish displays of affection, openly kissing up on each other. It would make you a bit uncomfortable if not for how touchy Taehyung is as well.   When you first got together all those years ago, your friends teased you about it but it’s been years since. No one’s a stranger to how you plop yourself down on Taehyung’s lap or how he might kiss you and then steal your food right off of your own plate.   “When we saw that the retreat offered a honeymoon package, we just couldn’t resist,” Hoseok says, but you’re not sure if he’s talking to you and Taehyung or his wife with how much he gazes at her. It’s a sweet sight though. You remember that honeymoon period.   “Remember when we were that young?” you ask as you leave to the other side, giving the couple some much needed privacy. It was obvious they weren’t up for more conversation with the way they’re shifting and staring at one another.   “When you were still hot? Yeah. I do—” Taehyung bursts out laughing when you jab him. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding! You’re still hot, okay? The hottest chick here and you’d make the hottest MILF too.”   “Damn straight.”   The pair of you also run into another couple that’s older and appears a lot more comfortable with the place. “Oh, this is actually our second time here! The first time gave us the four year old troublemaker running amok back at home.”   You blink in surprise, suddenly more interested in the conversation. “This place...worked for you?”   “It sure did.” The woman, Dahyun, smiles. “Some people didn’t have as much luck as we did, but we had so much fun last time that we knew we just had to come back. We were actually staying in your yurt last time.”   She points and you swivel your head over, intrigued. “Huh.” Taehyung raises a brow, noticing how engaged you are and the corner of his mouth tugs.   Her husband, Seokjin, chuckles heartily. “We thought it was time to give our son a younger brother, so here we are! Tonight’s the welcome party and just a word of advice, I really recommend getting some of that grilled salmon. It’s absolutely delicious.”   “Just let them eat whatever they want, Jin,” his wife sighs in exasperation.   “I’m just saying! I would’ve liked to know last time — I would’ve gotten two plates before they ran out.”   “This is why the doctor told you to eat less of everything. You ate more than I did when I was pregnant with Youngjae.”   “I can’t help that I’m eating for three! For your information, I’m carrying the entire family on these broad, broad shoulders of mine. Soon, I’ll have to start eating for four.”   Dahyun turns to you and Taehyung who are amused at their bickering. “I’m sorry. Please ignore him.”   It’s not a bad place, at least not so far. You weren’t sure what you were anticipating, but on the entire way here, you were worried that it was a scam your poor husband fell for. Luckily though, it seemed like the accommodation is good and the people around are friendly and welcoming, coming from different kinds of backgrounds and walks of life. It makes you feel better about not having internet connection or being murdered in the middle of the night.   The welcoming party turns out to be fairly nice too, and like Seokjin said, the food is delicious.   It’s a buffet style with tables set out, full of what Jimin declares is antioxidant-rich foods. He and Hyunjin go on a tangent about the benefits, how soy and estrogen foods have been limited, how there’s an emphasis on fruits, vegetables, carbohydrates, proteins and folic acid, and you’re sorely impressed at the attention to detail they provide.   “Oh my god. The salmon is amazing and have you tried these beans, Tae?!”   Taehyung laughs as he watches you eat, eyes lifted to look at you across the rounded table. “I thought you hated beans.”   “I do. But try it.” You lift your fork and he happily leans over, taking a bite. He swallows it down and smiles at how you stuff your cheeks.   After dinner, the pair of you gather with the rest to watch a few performances held on the main stage. Jimin introduces other staff members who sing, dance and Hyunjin even does a number with her ukulele, belting out some indie songs while standing bare feet.   It’s bizarre and a bit surreal to be sitting back in a lawn chair and watching some chick with flowers in her hair jump around and try to entertain you, but it’s not completely unwelcome. If anything, you were sort of having fun. The sun had set, making the weather milder. The breeze was warm against your cheeks and the fairy lights strung above were twinkling.   The whole atmosphere lulled you and with your head leaning on Taehyung’s shoulder, every blink became heavier and heavier. “This is nice,” you mutter and he catches it.   Your husband turns his head with a tiny smile. “Yeah?”   “Mhmh...”    You feel a wet kiss being planted at the top of your head and you decide to indulge, closing your eyes for just a moment. But the next time they open, you realize that the crowd has thinned, they’ve put on music on the stereo and Taehyung’s windbreaker is draped on top of you as a makeshift blanket.   “Hey there, sleepy head.” He grins at you when he notices your lashes fluttering. “Want me to carry you back to the yurt?”   “I’m fine.” It takes a second to get up and you stretch your arms out before the both of you make your way back to the yurt. There were a few younger couples lingering around and still taking in the scenery, but the years were catching up to you quickly and all you wanted was to dive into the sheets and satiate the rest of your sleepiness. “How long was I out for?”   “About half an hour?”   Taehyung fishes for the key and opens the door. “I didn’t even realize I was so tired.” You manage to kick off your shoes and beeline to the bathroom to brush your teeth.   “Of course, you were tired. You didn’t even sleep on the bus and for the past few days you’ve been up late doing research.”   You mumble incoherently, not having enough energy to argue with Taehyung and he grins, nudging you aside so he can grab his own toothbrush.    In the next ten minutes, it’s lights out. You’re rolled onto the bed, tucked into the warm sheets like a burrito, and Taehyung’s settled in as well. You hear his exhale and you allow your muscles to relax in the comfortable darkness. The exhaustion that’s been built from the entire day washes over you. But before you can drift off, in the quietness of the room, you remember.   And you reach out, arm stretched, feeling for your husband.   Taehyung hums when you tap his shoulder. You feel him shift and mumble, “What’s wrong?”   “I’m fertile,” you mutter with your eyes closed. “You need to stick your dick in me.”   He bursts out laughing and his arm slings over your abdomen. “It’s okay if we don’t have sex tonight, you know.”   You sigh, too fatigued to get up and do the job yourself. “We’re gonna miss our opportunity, Tae.”   A soft kiss is pressed to your temple, and you feel yourself losing the fight to keep your consciousness. “We’ll have other chances. Relax.”   “Relaxing….isn't gonna give us a baby.”   “No, but it will keep my current baby sane.”   After being together for so many years, Taehyung knows how to make his words sound sweet and enticing. And before you can even damn him for always catering to you and babying you, you’ve fallen asleep in his arms.

[Day Two]   Breakfast is as incredible as dinner was. There’s a full fruit platter that’s apparently all organic and a number of carbohydrates to fill yourself all the way to lunch. But you begin to regret eating so much with the scheduled activity that follows.   “Couples yoga is a way to build intimacy and trust with your partner.” Hyunjin and Jimin smile brilliantly and you wonder if they’re happy go lucky all the time. It must be fucking exhausting.   “Taehyung.” You nudge the man beside you who’s intently listening and he turns his head. “You know I’m not flexible at all.”   “Don’t worry.” He flashes a blazing grin. It’s way too early for this. “This is just for fun and I’ll catch you if anything.”   “No. Last time I tried doing yoga, I pulled a muscle in my thigh—”   “Oh look. They’re doing the first pose!” Your husband excitedly lugs you down and you’re forced to comply, crossing your legs and facing him.    It’s simple at first. There are basic poses with him leaning against you. Although it is hard to find a good balance considering how tall Taehyung is and even for being lanky, he’s quite a bit stronger than you are. But when Hyunjin and Jimin begin to twist themselves around and Jimin holds her up by the feet with a single hand, you know it’s impossible.   Unlike Taehyung, you never did cheerleading or any acrobatics.   “You’re going to drop me or I’m going to snap your spine, Tae!”   “Don’t you trust me?”   You look at your half-monkey, half-clown of a husband. “Do you really want to know the truth?”   The both of you collapse into a heaping mess before he can confirm or deny. He laughs and starts tickling you for not being able to listen until you’re begging him to stop before you look more like an idiot than you already do.   There’s a few couples who do a good job and you giggle when Taehyung mutters passive aggressive comments on how they’re teacher’s pets or that their form is awful. But there’s the fair share of other pairs who do as bad as you, namely Seokjin and Dahyun, the old couple from last night, bickering at being unable to do any poses.   You can’t say that couple’s yoga is particularly relaxing, but it’s silly and you find yourself having fun.   Hyunjin leads the cool down exercise and Taehyung nearly whacks you in the head with how he stretches. Your glare gains his exaggerated pout then cheesy smile. “Now as the very last cool down exercise, we’re going to take our partners by the hand.”   You mimic her and clasp Taehyung’s hands, awaiting further instructions.    “And we’re going to gaze into their eyes.” What? “Focus into the colour of their irises, how brown or blue or green they might be, or even the pattern of them. Sometimes we don’t truly look at one another like we should.”   “What are they even saying?” you mutter and the corner of Taehyung’s mouth twitches. In spite of how bizarre it is, you follow and stare into Taehyung’s rounded eyes. They’re brown. Like they’ve always been.   But you must admit, when the morning sunlight catches his irises at particular angles, the colour is a lighter shade than usual. They’re quite bright too.   “They say if we gaze into the eyes of someone we love, our heartbeat synchronizes together.”   What? Your brows furrow skeptically and you’re about to turn away, but suddenly Taehyung grabs a hold of your chin. “Don’t look away,” he commands with an authoritative voice and you swallow hard.   “Okay.” You focus your eyes to enlarge and focus. “I’m looking.”   You wonder if this is a staring contest, but even with his wolfish smile and being married for so long, Taehyung’s intent stare starts to make you feel vulnerable. You wonder if he’s always looked at you so affectionately. More importantly, you realize that even with all his dumb antics — like deciding to paint the fence green and then stopping halfway or ripping out the cabinets in the kitchen and never replacing them like he intended — you still love this sweet and kind dummy.   “Alright. Everyone can relax now,” Jimin announces softly as he claps and you finally blink a few times, eyes stinging from how you forced them open. “That’s the end of this session. Thank you for joining everyone.”   Yet, Taehyung holds your gaze a moment longer. And before you can pipe up and tell him it’s over, the man leans in and presses a soft kiss to your lips. He smiles when he pulls away. “As much as sweat is a good look on you, I think it’s time to shower, Mrs. Kim.”   You scoff and he holds your hand with an enormous grin, dragging you back to the yurt.   The two of you hop into the shower together, a habit that Taehyung insists is to save water for the good of the environment, but you swear half the time, you end up wasting more than if either of you do it separately. You’re sure that right now is one of those times.   “Hey.” You turn around as he’s lathering up his shampoo.   “Hey, yourself.” He smiles and shifts towards the stream of water before screaming at how hot it is. Taehyung quickly adjusts it, dissipating the fog on the glass. “Why do you like bathing in molten lava, woman?”   “You always make it too cold.” You scoff, but don’t dwell on the argument as you lean into his backside. “Listen, should we get a quickie in?”   Taehyung frees himself of the soap and looks at you. “If we do, we’ll miss lunch and then the hike.”   “We’re going on a hike?!”   “Yep, so hurry up cause if we don’t get lunch, we’re not gonna make it!” He gets out of the shower, leaving you to be bludgeoned by the ice, cold water. You sigh in exasperation.   The purpose of coming here is to conceive, not go on a hike. But with how enthused he is, you begrudgingly join.   Afternoons are the worst out here. The sun is sweltering and there isn’t an ounce of a breeze or a wind. As a result, the heat stifles and lingers without dissipating, causing sweat to dampen your clothing and stick to the back of your neck. The weather exhausts you and you feel your creamy lunch pasta up your throat again as you lug your legs up the steep, rocky incline.    No matter how much you try to keep up, you fall behind from the group.   Taehyung twirls around with a big grin, mouth perfectly symmetrically. “Are you okay?”   “W-What does it look like?” you pant. It’s unfair that Taehyung works out once a year and treats his body like a candy trashcan but is still more fit than you are.    “I can carry you if you want.”   “You’re going to snap in half carrying me.” You pass him as he laughs.    You hear him catch up, feet skipping along like he’s playing hopscotch. Then suddenly, you feel yourself being lifted off the ground and you shriek, arms looping around Taehyung’s neck. You’re scooped up in his arms like he’s about to kick down the door into the bedroom, but instead, he starts sprinting up the path like a maniac.   “Taehyung!” you squeal and he laughs again.   “Isn’t this better?”   “Aren’t you tired?”   “If I say yes, you’re gonna think I’m trying to tell you to lose weight, but for the record, I like how soft you are.”   You roll your eyes, embarrassed as you pass a few couples, but none of them seem to find it bizarre and they even smile warmly at you and Taehyung. Yet, he starts to slow down tremendously after a few minutes, panting and sweating profusely. You ask him if he’s going to put you down yet, but you underestimate just how stubborn your dear husband is. Taehyung refuses until you’re up at the top of the trail, making it to where Jimin and Hyunjin are by the waterfall.    There, you’re finally on set on your feet again.   You pass him your water bottle. “Drink it before I’m the one dragging you down.”   He grins and downs it.   Up here, it’s much more refreshing and easier to breathe. There’s a tiny waterfall coming from the higher mountains and there are trees around to provide shade. When you squint, you can see the campsite at a distance with all the yurts.   “We should take some pictures!” Taehyung declares when he steadies his breath and pulls out his selfie stick from the hideous fanny pack that you still won’t admit is pretty convenient.   “Your mom is gonna want a copy so don’t pull any ugly faces, Tae.”   “My face is never ugly.” He tugs you beside him and snaps a few shots before reviewing them carefully. Taehyung always had an eye for these kinds of things. “We didn’t get a good angle of the water.”   “I can take it for you.”   “What’s the point if we’re not together?” His thick brows are furrowed, lips lopsided, sighing.   A matronly and friendly voice pipes up next to you, “Do you need any help?”   Dahyun is smiling with Seokjin beside her and Taehyung appears relieved. “Yes, please.”   She takes his phone as he folds back his selfie stick and she stands off to the side, capturing you and Taehyung smiling with his arm around you. “One. Two. Three. I’ll take another one.”   Dahyun changes the angle a bit and Taehyung leans over to pull on your cheek while you feign a glare at him. The second picture is taken while the woman and her husband laugh, endeared. “There we go. You can check them to see if they’re good.”   The phone is handed back and by Taehyung’s expression, it seems acceptable. “You two are too cute. When did you get married?”   “Oh, I think three years ago? Yeah. Three.”    It’s much longer than it actually feels. It seemed like it was a week ago when you first met in class and thought he was annoying. Like yesterday, he was supposed to propose at a fancy restaurant but failed when you found the ring box the night before — how he screamed at you to stop, but it was too late and he ended up going with it. They’ve all become memories that you cherish.   “We met back in school and dated a while before getting married.”   Dahyun smiles. “Have you decided how many kids you want yet?”   You hitch a thumb to Taehyung. “He wants four, but I’m fine with two.”   “The bigger the family, the better, right?” he says, looking up from the screen of his phone.   “Wait until you have kids, you’ll end up wanting more,” Seokjin chuckles, “That or you’ll want to give them all away, but personally, I could raise a whole football team if she’d let me.”   His wife jabs him in the ribs. “Yeah, because you’re not the one who has to give birth to them.”   “And that’s why you’re the boss of the house.” He pouts at her while the corners of his mouth tickle up into a smile, and she relents.   “Let’s be honest, the real boss of the house is our little troublemaker. I swear he took after all your bad traits.”   Seokjin gasps. “Excuse me, Youngjae is my most masterful creation...even if he painted all over our leather seats and popped our car tire with his batman toy.”   She shakes her head with a light sigh, but it’s hard to hide her beaming expression. “I should’ve known he would give me trouble when he went past the due date for two weeks.”   “T-two weeks?” you sputter.   Dahyun nods, finally having the sympathy she was trying to fish out of her husband. “My stomach was as big as a watermelon and I was in labour for fourteen hours before I ended up getting an emergency c-section and he came out a whopping ten pounds.”   Your head is swirling as you try to imagine a ten pound baby in this petite woman.   It almost seems like a horror story that’s waiting to be picked up by Hollywood.   “But honestly, the hardest part wasn’t the whole pregnancy or birthing process. It was afterwards.” Her exhale is long and fatigued. “Suddenly there’s another human being you’re responsible for and you have to take care of them while you’re still in recovery. I remember when Youngjae couldn’t stop crying in the middle of the night. I always had an idea that having kids was a lot of work, but you really don’t have time for yourself once they’re born, and not to mention my bladder was completely done for after the whole thing.”   “Alright, alright.” Her husband pulls her close. “I already know you’re a woman warrior. I saw it with my own eyes.”   Dahyun smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes and she turns to him, deadpanning, “No, you didn’t. You passed out half-way.”   “I was there in spirit,” Seokjin insists humorously.   Dahyun scoffs while Taehyung grins at their back and forth that’s reminiscent of his own dynamic with you. “But were they worth it?”   “Oh, a thousand percent,” Dahyun responds without needing a second to consider, expression softening. “Enough that I would want to do it all over again.”   She doesn’t get a chance to say much else when Jimin’s voice pierces through the chatter and everyone gathers together with the last stragglers who have finally made it up. “Thank you, everyone, for coming all the way up here. This is Serenity Falls that was actually…”   But his voice drowns out.   You linger on what Dahyun said, about child rearing and birthing, and there’s nothing that can be done to the uneasy emotion swelling inside of you.   The walk back down is silent. Done without a single complaint from you about the hot weather or how your feet ache. Taehyung notices, glancing at you several times. He doesn’t say anything until you’re back at the yurt.    “What’s wrong?”   You look at him from across the room. “Nothing, why?”   “You’ve just been quiet.”   “I just….” You inhale and decide to divulge him. “I was just thinking about what Dahyun and Seokjin were saying. Do you think we’re cut out for this, Taehyung?”   His head quirks to one side. “Why wouldn’t we be?”   “You and I can barely take care of ourselves.”   “That’s not true.”   “We forget to buy food all the time.”   “That makes midnight snack runs fun.” He grins.   You exhale an unsteady breath and Taehyung approaches you. He doesn’t mind how sweaty you are and wraps his arms around your waist. “We’ll figure it out. You said it yourself, right? One step at a time.”   “But what if it’s too much and you decide you don’t want to do it anymore? Or that...you don’t want to be with me?” He opens his mouth, but you keep going before he can jump in. It’s not just about you being self-conscious or needing reassurance. You’re simply trying to imagine the worst case scenario as realistically as you can. “Like when I’m still bloated like a whale and in a bad mood and the baby’s crying and no one knows what to do.”   “I’ll still love you no matter the changes,” Taehyung murmurs earnestly, searching your expression. “Even if you’re bloated like a whale and in a bad mood and the baby’s crying and no one knows what to do. I’ll use google to figure it out and get the baby to calm down and I’ll get you some chocolate and I’ll rub your feet.”   You scoff lightly. “You make it sound so easy.”   “Maybe because it won’t be as hard as you think. I’m great with kids and we got killer teamwork, you know, plus this baby’ll be the best project we’ve ever done together.”   “A project that’s gonna last us eighteen years.” You smile.   Taehyung laughs, the sound mellifluous in the room. “Which isn’t that long considering how fast time moves.”   You hum and encircle your arms around his neck. Taehyung gets the hint and leans in to seal your lips against his, slotting them together to kiss you the way he knows you like it.   It’s slow, comforting, an opportunity to revel in the softness of his lips. Taehyung gives you courage — he always has and when you break apart, smiling against each other, you feel worlds better than before. “I’m gonna start a bubble bath. You can join me if you want.”   It’s less of a suggestion and more of a demand, one Taehyung fully recognizes and makes him smile in amusement as you saunter away. Taking advantage of the tub in the bathroom, you lower the stopper of the drain and dump in the soap they offer. The water gets filled three quarters way with a layer of bubbles and you strip. You sigh as you get comfortable in the tub.   “Is it warm?”   Your husband leans against the doorway, arms crossed and the corner of his mouth curled.   “Uh-huh.” You loll your head on the edge of the tub and lift up your foot, watching the way the water cascades off your skin. “Are you not going to get in?”   “Maybe later,” Taehyung surprisingly replies. He rarely rejects any chance at jumping your bones when you’re being this forward about it. There’s no hike or lunch to catch that’s preventing him from having fun with you either. But as your husband walks out, you catch him unceremoniously stealing the clothes you have prepared and the stack of towels by the sink.   “What are you doing?”   “There’s no point in covering yourself up if I’m gonna strip you anyway.” He flashes a mischievous grin and you sigh, relenting in his antics. You simply lay back to enjoy the water, muscles relaxing and your brain that’s constantly in overdrive empties.   After ten minutes, your skin begins to wrinkle, so you drain the water and get out. But the moment you stand up, the cool air conditioning slams into you and your body starts to shiver.   “Taehyung!” you shout and hear silence. “At least give me a towel!”   Fortunately for you, there’s a smaller one on the rack he missed so you swipe at it and wrap your shoulders to protect yourself. But you’re still dripping wet and in need of your clothes, so you stomp out to find your ridiculous partner who’s apparently five years old and—   “HA!” Said man you’re searching for bursts out of the closet and you scream, startled half to death, nearly falling to the ground. Taehyung starts to laugh like a maniac.   “Are you serious?!” You gawk at him. “How long did you even wait there for?”   “Like five minutes ago.” The bastard wolfishly grins. “Worth it though.”   You cock a brow at him, sighing. “So that’s why you didn’t join me in the bath?”   “No. I didn’t join you, so I could do this.” He yanks the towel where your breasts meet, leaving you nude. Goosebumps rise all over your skin and your nipples harden in the frigid air.   You screech, arms trying to cover yourself. “Taehyung, it’s cold!” “I can warm you up,” he says but then runs away when he reads the glare on your face, giggling boyishly. It’s completely childish. If anyone was watching, you’d be mortified, but it’s been a long time since there was any shame in your marriage, so you stomp after him while nude.    You hunt the man down while he tries to evade by rounding the coffee table. It’s no longer about grabbing clothes or covering yourself up, it’s time for revenge.   Luckily, the yurt isn’t big enough to have a game of tag. You manage to reach him and you steal the opportunity to yank his pants down. Taehyung, mid-laugh, trips on his feet and stumbles on the carpet. You burst out giggles, looking at his ass in the air and he giggles too from the infectious sound bubbling up your throat.   “Oh, you’re gonna get it now,” He mutters in a low voice with half-lidded eyes and you scramble away with another shriek.   “You started it!” You jump onto the bed and Taehyung kicks off his pants. You don’t ask why he’s skipped out on wearing boxers, but you notice he’s already half-hard and that only makes you laugh louder.   He chases after you as you duck and steal his own tactic of rounding the coffee table. But unfortunately for you, Taehyung has always been destined to win with his longer legs. He catches you within two strides and snatches you as you scream. You’re thrown over his shoulder like you’re a sack of potatoes and he smirks. “Caught you.”   “Taehyung! People are gonna hear!” You laugh in spite of being the one who’s making most of the noise and he tosses you onto the bed. Usually, you hate to be manhandled, but your husband’s the only exception to the rule.   “Let them hear.”   He hovers over you and the laughter dies down. Taehyung stares earnestly into your eyes and your breathing becomes shallow. But you don’t like to lose and as his wife of three years, you know his one, true weakness.    Your fingers lift to Taehyung’s armpits and he seizes when you start tickling him. You laugh when he does and once he doubles over, there’s an opening to the left, a perfect escape route. You steal the opportunity while you still have it and start to climb off the bed, but he regains his breath and grabs your ankle, tugging you back to him in one swift motion without even needing to try.    Taehyung grins. “God, you’re such a brat sometimes.”    “Yeah, and I know you like it.”   He grabs your wrists before you can make another tickle attack and pins it above your head. You can tell that there’s no more time for jokes or any more playing around, not when you can feel his hard cock against your stomach.   “You smell good,” he sighs into your neck, inhaling deeply. “Cherry blossom? Peony?”   “Strawberries,” you answer. “You smell like sweat.”   “You’re gonna end up like me anyway.” Taehyung smiles and leans in to kiss you. It isn’t shy or chaste. His tongue licks into your mouth and you exhale, a strangled moan muffled against his lips as you melt against him. He finally has you where he wants and you let him take control.   The pair of you swap spit for a few minutes until he releases your hands, allowing you to curl your fingers into his shoulders as he caresses your waist.    Taehyung eventually breaks away with a playful glint in his eyes. “You wanna try the toys?”   You both look at the basket half across the room and he rolls off of you. You get to your feet to inspect it for yourself and discover an array of colourful gadgets, some that you’ve tried before and others that you’re sure needs to have an instruction manual with it.    “I’m not putting any of these dildos in me, Tae. I don’t know where they’ve been.”   “I know.” He lays with his head propped up by his hand and you eye something at the bottom of the basket. You pull out a leather whip and look at him. “Ooh, a classic pick there, sweetheart.”   A whip seems more sanitary considering it doesn’t have to go in anyone’s orifices.   “Is it?” You approach with a tiny smile, staring down the innocent man. “Roll over.”   “What?”   “I’ll whip you.” You grin and he blinks at you. More often than not, you’re the more submissive one in bed, but the idea of having Taehyung crying out and the idea of you cackling at his pain has him immediately rolling face down in intrigue and you stepping up on the bed.   He turns his face to the side. “Do you know how to do it?”   “How hard can it be?” There’s a pause. “But tell me if it hurts.”   “The point is to make it hurt, Y/N.”   “Yeah, but I don’t want to hurt you-hurt you.”   “I can handle it.” Taehyung smirks and you scoff.    Even in this position, he’s trying to maintain his dominance.   You grip it tightly and don’t count. Simply, with a flick your wrist, you slam the whip across his backside. It makes a loud cracking sound and you hear Taehyung sharply inhale. His teeth grit and you freeze, watching his expression carefully.   “How was it?”   “Is my back split open?” he asks, trying to look over his shoulder.   “No.”   “I think I might have to go to the ER.” He sits up completely, overdramatic in the way he fumbles around and his tone filled with some mischief. “I think there’s internal bleeding. Or my spine is broken. I wouldn’t be surprised.”   “It’s fine, Tae.” you laugh. So much for telling you to go for it. But you already had an inkling Taehyung wasn’t one for receiving pain. After all, he’s still your whiny baby who only eats vanilla yogurt. “Not your thing?”   “Not my thing.” He takes the whip from your hand and tosses it across the room. “I have a better toy in mind.”   You’re about to remind him you’re not gonna put any of those communal toys inside of you, but he instead walks over to his suitcase and starts tearing some clear packaging open with something pink inside. You read the label — it’s a remote control vibrating egg.   Your brows furrow. “When did you get that?”   “Two days before we left. Amazon prime, babe.”   “So that’s what you were looking at when you told me you were doing some online shopping?”   “Precisely.” Taehyung grins and you’re not sure if you should be pleasantly surprised or in dismay since the two of you have already made a pact not to buy anything else online. The treadmill bought on an impulse is still taking up half the space of the living room.   Before you can think too much, Taehyung gets it open and comes over. He nudges your thighs to open and you lay back, leaning against the headboard. You’re not that wet yet, if at all, but it doesn’t stay that way when his long fingers rub against your clit in circles.    With his other hand, he strokes against your slit and then sinks his index finger in knuckle deep. You throw back your head, moaning his name at the intrusion while he remains silent, intently watching your pink cunt squeeze. Taehyung curls his finger and swallows hard. The sloppy sounds of your cunt fill the room and he hums in satisfaction.   “Okay. Ready?���   “Uh-huh.”   The head of the cold egg meets your folds and it slowly enters. While the toy might not be big or long, the girth stretches against your warm walls and you keen. Taehyung makes a low noise, encouraging you to take it. When it’s in, he smiles brilliantly. “Good job, sweetheart. You did it.”   “Now what?”   “This, of course.” Taehyung dangles the remote in front of you and then like a psycho, he ramps it up to the highest possible setting. Intense vibrations are felt through your body instantaneously and you cry, head knocked back against the headboard as your velvet walls squeeze and tremble.   “T-Taehyung!”   “Good?”   “I-It’s too much!” You’re completely at his mercy and he takes advantage of it, drinking you in with a wolfish smile. You’re unable to muster a glare at him, reduced to a complete mess while your center leaks and drips onto the sheet. Still, you try to reach over to the remote.   He dodges when you lunge at him. “Nu-uh.”   Luckily, you get a hold of your husband and climb over to him. His arm is extended straight up, laughing as you try to snatch it from him. He waves it inches away to mock you while enjoying the sight of you quivering on top of him. “T-Tae!”   “Okay, okay.” He laughs and transfers it into his other hand, about to turn the setting down a notch. But right at the moment you’re about to snag it for yourself, the remote flies out of his hand. It falls through the gap between the wall and the headboard.   It clatters to the ground.   “Oh shit.”   “Taehyung!”   “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He rolls off the mattress and looks underneath the bed before abruptly standing. “I’m going to need a long stick or something.”   He starts to look around the room, searching for a tool to grab the remote that’s out of reach, and you don’t know if you should suffocate him with a pillow or facepalm yourself hard enough to get knocked out into a coma.   You can pull out the egg yourself, but the violent vibrations were beginning to thrum pleasure through you, so as your useless husband goes fishing for the remote, you finish the job. Your fingers play with your clit, rubbing the bud as your slick drips down your thighs and you come hard on the toy.   The same moment light flashes beneath your eyelids and your toes curl, Taehyung grabs the remote with the help of a rolled brochure and shuts it off. The both of you are winded for different reasons.   “You know, I'd say that was pretty hot if not for how stressful that actually was.”   “You’re an idiot.” You tug the toy out of you and bat him over lazily, feeling spent on how hard you came. “Now dump some sperm in me, idiot.”   Taehyung has a cheesy grin and climbs over you. Despite the struggles of grabbing the toy’s remote, he’s fully hard from the noises you were making. “I’d tell you to ask more nicely, but I’ll let it go.”   He aligns the head of his weeping cock to your swollen cunt and leans his weight into you. He starts to push in and you whine, gripping his forearms. As wet as you are, Taehyung is still well-endowed — less girthy than the toy, but there’s a considerable length to him.    When he bottoms out, you can feel him all the way to your throat.   He tucks sweaty strands of hair behind your ear and kisses you. “Sorry about earlier.”   “’t’s okay. It was fun,” you admit and he smiles, starting to work up a good rhythm. You feel hot in your face with the pressure of his body on top of yours, hardened nipples brushing against his chest. Your cunt pulses and squeezes around his length. It draws Taehyung’s groans into your neck.   “F-Fuck. You’re so tight.”   It feels good and you know he’s reveling in the pleasure too. His eyes are shut tight, the scrunch made between his brows and it entices you to reach up and kiss him to which he sweetly indulges you. Your tongues twine as you pant against each other and Taehyung starts to lose his pacing.   He bends your knee, hitting you at a deeper angle as his strokes become increasingly frantic and quick. You egg him on and he groans once more before he thrusts himself as deep as he can go and cums. Ropes of white paint your walls, the head of his cock against your cervix and filling your cunt and womb up. You can feel some of it dribbling out, seeping past your folds and when Taehyung’s about to withdraw, you quickly grab his forearm.   “Wait. Just stay put for a second. I have to keep it in.”   He nods and kisses your lips. “Okay.”   Taehyung nestles into you, nuzzling into your neck and you hope this is the one.

[Day Three]   There were lots of activities and amenities offered and advertised by Jimin during the introduction of the retreat, but you realize you might’ve missed over the most important one of all.   “How does that feel?” the massage therapist asks as she works a knot out of your shoulders and smooths your skin with the oil.   “Amazing,” you murmur from the corner of your mouth, melted against the table.    Couples massages were something you always scoffed at, but holy shit, it’s absolutely paradise. With the breeze blowing through the pitched tent and the glowing humidifier releasing a fresh scent, you’ve never been more relaxed as all the stiffness is worked out of you.   You open your eyes to see Taehyung enjoying it as well — though not as much as you are since he’s quite ticklish. Sometimes, he squirms a bit too much and his massage therapist is at a loss of what to do.   But when it’s all done, you feel like you’re in a new body. “Oh my god. I think I’m more flexible than before. Look, Tae!”   You stretch your leg and he giggles at how happy your mood is. “If I knew you liked it this much, I would’ve signed us up for one at the spy near the gym.”   Your eyes are wide, catching the sunlight. “Do you think they’re as good as this place?”   Taehyung grins. “Probably.”   “We should go when we get back then. Oh, do you wanna check out the library?”   “Sure.”   You grab his hand, lacing your fingers together and he smiles to himself.    It’s a free day without many planned activities, giving you both an opportunity to look around the retreat for yourselves and take it easy. And the pair of you take full advantage of the opportunity. Since morning, you were lazing around the yurt and after breakfast and the massages, you decide to lay in one of the hammocks by the trees while Taehyung naps with you.    Said man hasn't seen you this stress free in a while, so he happily indulges you in all your wishes. Even when night falls and you step away from the stage where Hyunjin is performing again to stargaze. It’s an odd activity for you since mosquitoes love to especially swarm around you when given the chance and on numerous occasions, you’ve been a moth landing spot.   But tonight, the breeze is soft and gentle, and you don't feel any tickles on your skin that isn’t Taehyung’s hand grazing against yours. The grass is pliant beneath your feet and the fairy lights twinkle far away enough that its luminescence doesn’t obstruct. You knock your heads back to view the horizon, allowing the darkness to engulf you and the stars to emerge.   “Remember Bali?”   “When you lost your passport?”   “When we went stargazing with the tour group,” Taehyung corrects. “It still wasn’t as beautiful as this.”   “You think everything in front of you is the most beautiful thing you’ve seen. You said that about the Eiffel and then Tokyo Tower.”   He laughs. “Hey, my mind doesn’t change that often. You’re still the most beautiful thing I’ve seen.”   You scoff, looking away from the sky towards him with a pout. He always knows how to lay on the sappiness without needing to blink. Your dear husband has always been shameless in that aspect and you adore him for it. “So I’m a thing to you now?”   “You know that’s not what I mean.” He wraps his arms around your waist. The both of you stare up at the sky. “Is that the big dipper?”   You look at where he’s pointing to the large clusters of stars. “I can’t see it. Maybe that’s scorpio.”   “Nah, I don’t think so.” Taehyung tries guessing, “It might be taurus or gemini. Or libra.”   “Aren’t you just naming astrological signs now?”   “Maybe.” He grins. “I’m a capricorn.”   “Yes, I know.” You two of you clearly don’t know anything about constellations or how to find them, but it doesn’t make the moment any less enjoyable. Yet when your necks start to ache, he takes your hand and strolls down the path through the trees. “Taehyung. What if we get lost?”   None of you have your phones or any flashlights. There’s only the crescent moon giving off its light. “Don’t worry. I have a great sense of direction.”   “You and I both know that’s not true.”   “You have a great sense of direction, so we won’t get lost,” he says and you sigh without putting much of an argument up. Not when you knew he was headed to the lake you had peeked at earlier in the afternoon, and now it was shimmering with the moonlight, reflecting the starry horizon in its water.   There’s a certain kind of peacefulness, a serenity that you would never get back in the city or even the suburbs. Certainly not without light pollution or the occasional car whizzing past. Here, there is none of those noises, none of those distractions, just you and Taehyung savouring the view⁠—   “Hey.” But of course, your mischievous husband has to have ulterior motives for coming all the way here. And you know there are ulterior motives by that glint in his eye and the sly smile he has.   “What?”    “Wanna take a dip?”   Your brows shoot to your hairline. “Are you crazy? It’s probably freezing! What if we get hypothermia and die?”   “For the record, you’d make one beautiful angel. But I’ll warm you up before it gets to that point.” Taehyung grins and starts stripping, tugging his shirt right off his head. It’s always been like this — him proposing something out of your norm, you try to voice your concerns, and then you’re the one who’s diving head first into it without hesitation and end up having more fun than he does.   “God, it’s so cold!”    The moment the water touches your toes, you recoil. But you brace yourself and continue onward with your entire body shivering. It’s your first time skinny dipping ⁠— something normally reserved for rebellious teenagers and most certainly not for late twenty-some year olds. Yet neither of you have qualms, even if you’re shrieking and Taehyung is laughing and following behind you.   “It’s freezing, Taehyung!”   “Come here.” He pulls you to him so your backside is pressed to his front and you wonder how Taehyung can be so warm all the time. The pair of you get waist deep into it and you turn around to grip him. Your husband smiles and holds onto you, eventually going far enough that the water reaches your shoulders. “See? Isn’t this nice?”   You hum, gazing up at the stars and the moon, the sight reflected on the water and how you’re pressed to Taehyung. “Seems like the beginning of a horror movie.” He laughs and your feet try to reach down to find stability, but you realize you can’t touch the ground anymore and your grip on him tightens. “Walk back a bit, Tae.”   “Why?”   “You know I can’t swim.”   His mouth curls. “But I like how you’re holding onto me. I won’t let go,” he adds after a long pause, “if you beg me not to.”   Your arms immediately come to loop around his neck and your legs wrap around his waist, latching onto him in a vice grip like a koala does to a branch. “Taehyung! I’m not kidding.”   “Oh...oh!” The bastard pretends that he’s gonna let go of you and actually does for a split-second. He laughs at your panicked expression. “I’m kidding! I’m kidding!”   You feign a pointed glare that turns out to be more of a pout. “You’re lucky I like you.”   “You only like me?”   “Yeah and if you keep going, I’m going to demote you from husband to friend.”   Taehyung makes a pained, sharp sound. “Can’t let that happen then.” He suddenly hoists you up higher, grip secure on your thighs and smiles brilliantly while you scoff.   You savour the view and the warmth of his body heat, but you’re slightly distracted. “Do you think anyone’s gonna steal our clothes, Tae?” You squint at the small pile near the shore.   “Who would?”   “I don’t know. What if a bear comes from the bushes and takes them? We’ll have to walk back naked.”   “I’m pretty sure there aren’t bears here, Y/N. Stop overthinking it.” Taehyung suddenly grabs a hold of your chin and turns your head for you to look only at him. Then, he kisses you in a soft and gentle way before the tip of his tongue meets the seam of your lips. You happily oblige, parting them and allowing him access to your tongue and giving him a taste of you.   The man hums in satisfaction as soft smacking noises fill the surroundings. You lean into his firm frame while Taehyung’s large hands slinks from your thigh to the curve of your ass. You feel his thumb probe against your folds.   “T-Taehyung.” His hard length is beneath you and you grind down on him, feeling empty. It draws a groan from his throat.   After a moment, you get his cock inside of you. The stretch soothes the itch you had, filling your cunt deliciously. But unlike the movies, it’s not enough for you. The water washes away the lubricant, each stroke rough and the glide slower than you’d like. So you beg him and the both of you are dragged up onto the shore again.   You turn on all fours. The pebbles uncomfortably dig into your knees, but it’s a distraction that blurs into the background when Taehyung pounds into you. You feel all of him, his body heat against yours, each thrusting movement flicking off the droplets of water from your skin. And when Taehyung turns your head to kiss you while rubbing at your clit, you cum around his cock.   He finishes as you beg for it and Taehyung’s sticky fluids leak down your thighs on the trek back.

[Day Four]   Taehyung blinks blearily, slowly coming to consciousness. He scratches his bed head and groans at how his muscles ache. But when he turns his head, the other side of the bed is cold and empty. His eyes widen in confusion and he feels more awake than before.   He checks the time and realizes he slept in, a total of ten hours, which isn’t a surprise considering how last night’s rendezvous continued and was more intense than usual. What is unusually, however, is that you’re gone.   But he soon finds you outside. Bathing in the sun. Laying in a hammock. Napping with a book next to you.   Your eyes flutter open as his shadow covers your figure. The corner of his mouth pulls.   “Morning.”   You sheepishly grin. “Morning.”    “What time did you get up?”   “Like an hour ago. The breeze was nice so I thought I’d do some reading, but I guess I accidentally fell asleep.”   “Looks like you’ve gotten comfortable.” Taehyung’s enormous smile aches his cheeks. You’ve fallen in love with this place more than he has, but he doesn’t mind whatsoever. He loves watching you have fun.   The two of you have breakfast, inhaling in the food, and then head to a meditation class on the grass led by Hyunjin. Typically, Taehyung has to convince you to take part in such a session and you’d usually wave it off as a waste of time. But there are no qualms or an ounce of hesitation in your expression when you head over.   “Now breathe in, and out, a steady stream of breath. Think about all that you are grateful for. Everything that has made your life amazing, and let that positive energy surround you as the negative energy releases.”   But while you’re eager, Taehyung, on the other hand, finds out that meditation is not cut out for him. He’s bored out of his mind from the lack of stimulation. Time feels like it’s dragging on slower, each second a minute and a minute is an hour. Somehow, meditating makes him feel even more exhausted than before and his mind ends up wandering.   Taehyung thinks about how he’s really craving some fatty burgers instead of the organic oatmeal and yogurt he had — how hot the weather is — how it’s hard to breathe — how sweat sticks to his skin.   “Hold your breath for three seconds and release for three seconds.”   He sighs and peels back an eye to see you with your hands pressed together, concentrated in following instructions. The corner of his mouth tickles into a smile.   As bored as he is, it’s worth seeing you happy.   //   The more excited you are about something, the more you run around from place to place and Taehyung’s resorted to looking for you. Luckily, the resort is small, so he finds you in front of the main building, chatting to a certain brunette with a half-moon smile and chubby cheeks.   “—heard that doggy actually works for some people, but for me, it doesn’t feel right...like…”   “The head of the cock isn’t right up against the cervix?” Jimin hums thoughtfully. “Have you tried angling your leg better? Sometimes you need to bend a bit and he needs to be leaning towards the side rather than just hovering straight on top.”   What.   Taehyung’s brows lift and he quickly approaches. Your face lights up when you see him. “Oh, hey.”   “I was looking for you.” Taehyung throws his arm over your shoulder and subtly tugs you into his chest. He looks at the other man, eyes narrowed in on him which he doesn’t seem to notice.   “Sorry, I was just caught up with Jimin.”   “What were you talking about?”   “What position is best for conception.” You blink innocently like it’s not a big deal you’re exploiting the details about your sex lives to another guy, and while he’s not embarrassed whatsoever, it was a bit too much information being shared for Taehyung’s liking. “Turns out elevating the hips might not help as much as we thought it does.”   “Huh.” Taehyung deadpans, “That’s interesting.”   “I know, right?” Your expression is bright, oblivious to his turmoil. At the same time, Hyunjin exits from the building in yet another flower crown and flowy skirt. She smiles at the both of you and joins Jimin’s side, planting a sweet kiss on his cheek and holding his hand.   “Hope I wasn’t interrupting anything important.”   You smile at her. “No, it’s okay.”   The woman nods and looks to her partner while her voice drops into a more private tone. “Just wanted to let you know that Taehoon and I are done.”   As if to validate her words, a timid yet tall man exits the building and they wave goodbye to one another before he walks off towards the parking lot. Jimin smiles. “Did you have fun?”   “Yeah. It was nice.”   Both you and Taehyung exchange expressions. He wonders if you’re thinking what he is or if he’s understanding the insinuations correctly.    As if they catch the inquisitive looks on your faces, they smile in a relaxed way. There’s no need to explain anything to either of you when you’re strangers, but they’re open enough and Hyunjin says, “Taehoon’s my second partner.”   “Second...partner?”    “Hyunjin and I are in an open relationship,” Jimin clarifies in a friendly manner. “It’s not really traditional, but it works well for us.”   “Oh.” Taehyung and you wordlessly bob your heads. He’s pretty sure they mentioned it during their introduction but it slipped his mind. They must get asked a lot of questions too since Hyunjin answers what he’s thinking, telling the both of you there’s not a lot of jealousy involved since they trust each other wholeheartedly and communicate a lot. And rather than finding it bizarre, you’re left intrigued. Taehyung notices as you walk away.   “Do you want an open relationship too?”   “You know it would never work for us.” You lean over, hugging his arm. “I’m too possessive for that.”   He laughs. “Then what about talking to Jimin about our sex positions?”   “He’s a professional.” You shrug. “I thought I could get helpful advice. Why?”   “Nothing, it’s just kind of weird.”    Jimin doesn’t look like a professional. He looks like just some dude in khaki shorts and a white shirt, obnoxiously bulging biceps, probably has rock hard abs, and he’s in an open relationship and clearly doesn’t mind chatting up you, aka Taehyung’s wife.   “Are you jealous?”   “What? No.” Taehyung scoffs, suddenly defensive and you give him that look like you know him better than that. “I just don’t think we don’t need to ask for help yet, and at least not about our positions. We’re gonna have a baby one way or another, Y/N. We just have to be patient.”   “Tell that to my dying eggs.” You walk off and Taehyung grins.   “My sperm’s strong enough that it’ll rescue your dying eggs.”   //   Evening eventually comes and you try to revel in the surrounding sights, the atmosphere of the entire place and the very cozy yurt you’ve grown to adore. It’s sad knowing that tomorrow you’ll have to depart from the resort. You regret not coming here with a more open mind. That way, you could’ve enjoyed and embraced this place much sooner.   “Actually, I’m kind of glad. I’m getting sick of them serving the same food.”   You’re shocked at your husband’s apathy. “But it’s antioxidant-rich—”   “I just want some fried chicken or a burger.”   You scoff. “That’s why the doctor told you to lower your blood sugar and you’re not even over forty yet.” But still, you’re taken aback that he’s not in love with the resort. “Out of everyone, I thought this would’ve been your haven. I was expecting you to beg me to build a cabin here or something to stay.”   Taehyung hums, leaning back into the chair. “I’m not saying the resort is bad. As long as I get to spend time with you, I like it. And I like that you like it.”   “Psh.” He always knows how to say the right thing, especially when he’s doing it absentmindedly and not trying to get something out of you. You lean over, hand lifting to squeeze his cheeks together and you turn his head to kiss him. Taehyung smiles at the soft and affectionate gesture. But you look at him with half-lidded eyes that mean more. “Wanna ditch?”   It’s the final celebration that Jimin and Hyunjin are happily hosting, but you don’t mind leaving for some more quality time with Taehyung, and he happily agrees.   The both of you sneak out of the crowd, stumbling back into the yurt, giggly and giddy like you’re still teenagers trying to be stealthy at midnight. Taehyung kisses you silly and soon, your back is hitting the mattress. He almost rips your dress with how hastily he tries to tear it off your head and you’re stuck for a moment until you manage to get it off.   But in spite of how childish your antics are or how Taehyung blows raspberries on your tummy, each one of his touches is intimate and loving. He holds your hips down and eats you out until you cum twice. Then you’re flipped onto your stomach with him on top of you — his cock is dug into your pussy, every draw and thrust delicious. Your walls pulse along his length and you moan his name and clutch the sheets with tight fists.   You relish in the pressure of his body pressed on top of yours as he pounds into you. It only takes a few minutes before he’s releasing into your womb, cumming hard enough that you feel it too.   He rolls off of you, spent, but you gather your energy and hold him down for a second round.   You’re a woman on a mission and you’re going to make sure you leave this resort with Kim Taehyung’s baby inside of you.

[Day Five]   The final day of the resort has arrived much to your dismay, and you feel sad enough to cry.   “Thank you so much for all you’ve done.”   “It’s our pleasure.” Hyunjin grins, her arms wrapped around Jimin’s. “We just hope you had a great time at our resort.”   “Yes, I really loved it.”   “Our doors are always open,” Jimin affirms. “If nothing’s stuck, you can always come back or if you’re ever looking for more siblings for the little one, you can come again too. We’re happy to welcome anyone that’s family back.”   You’re moved by their words and much to Taehyung’s dismay, you give a brief embrace to each of them. You also manage to see the newlywed couple, Hoseok and Rose, who are still smiling and somehow look even more in-love than when they arrived. Dahyun and Seokjin, as well, wish you luck on your adventures.    “We might be coming back real soon.” The woman sighs, hitching her thumb over her shoulder. “That husband of mine is planning to book another trip next month.”   “So soon?”   Dahyun nods with a long exhale. “I think he’s hoping I’m not pregnant so we can come here again.” Your laugh spurs on her own and you’re able to resonate with the hopelessness of husbands.   Everyone is boarding the same bus, but this is the last opportunity to gather when people are getting dropped off from different places. So you make sure to savour the moment, get your last goodbyes in, and Taehyung pulls out his phone to snap several pictures of you for keepsakes.   Then, the two of you board the bus with your luggage and settle in your seats.   “You know,” you pipe up and Taehyung turns to you. “Even if we didn’t conceive, it was still fun.”   He smiles while taking his hand. “Yeah? I’m glad.” Taehyung laces his fingers with yours and you lean your head on his shoulder as he, too, leans his head on top of yours.   The bus pulls out of the lot and onto the road. Jimin and Hyunjin wave with brilliant grins, and together, you and Taehyung watch the little resort become a particle in the distance.

[Epilogue]   This is terrible. Unexpected and spontaneous.   “I have bad news.” You’re leaning against the door frame of Taehyung’s office and at your tone of voice, your husband looks away from the computer screen with wide eyes.   “Are you divorcing me?”   “No.”   “Did you lose your job?”   “No.”   His entire body deflates in a sigh of relief and he leans back, hands grasping the armrests of his swivel chair. “Thank god because I just bought those new shake weights that were shown on TV.”   “Yea— wait. What?”   Taehyung’s bubbling laughter comes from his chest. “What is it?”   He doesn’t notice the stick in your hand, so you throw it at him. Luckily, Taehyung’s reflexes are still in good shape and he claps his hands together, catching the stick before it hits his head. But then his brows furrow in confusion.   “You’re probably going to need to wash your hands after that. I peed on it.”   He doesn’t answer. Your oblivious husband instead takes a long second to inspect the stick and his pupils dilate. He finally realizes what it is and looks carefully. In the meanwhile, you hitch your breath, feeling unsettled. But then the most enormous smile stretches into his cheeks.    It almost looks like his smile is about to break his face.   “You’re pregnant,” Taehyung murmurs.   “I sure am.”   He looks at you. And then the stick. Then he looks at you again. Taehyung searches your expression in alarm as your words echo back to him. “Why is this bad news? D-did you change your mind? Do you not want kids?”   You shake your head. “No. This is fantastic news. I just wanted an excuse to go to the retreat again.”   He laughs and exhales a long breath. Taehyung scoots his chair over using the heels of his feet and comes to you. He throws his arms around your torso in a secure embrace while his ear is pressed gently to the flat plane of your stomach that’ll soon swell in the coming months. “God, you’re going to be the death of me, woman.”   Taehyung’s brown eyes are lit with mirth and you ease into his hug as your fingers comb through his dark locks. Finally, you’re going to be parents. After waiting and hoping for so long, it was now on the horizon. There’s a sense of fear in you both, but you’re overwhelmed with euphoria and excitement.   “We can always go back for the next kid.”   “I haven’t even had this one yet and you’re already thinking of another.”   “I can’t help it.” Taehyung grins, looking up at you and you lean down to kiss his smile.   You have a feeling this baby’s going to be loved beyond belief.