#they’re not going to… they wouldn’t…. in Jurassic world….? no….. perhaps……?

[lesbow]

3 minutes into Season 5 Episode 7 “The Leap” and Yaz just giggled and pulled a Debbie Ryan tucking her hair behind her ear and ducking into her shoulder while saying goodbye to Sammy?

[lunarsaturn88]

Indominus Rex Trainer- Owen Grady

Pairing: Owen Grady X Reader

Imagine being the Indominus Rex trainer and dating Owen Grady.

Warning: Fluff

@thefandomimagine

Words: 497

You hadn’t been working at Jurassic World for very long. But you had known better than most of what to expect out of the world of dinosaurs. You worked with one of the dangerous ones called the Indominus Rex. But it was rare for you to be out there with it. You spent most of your time observing others who worked with other dinosaurs. 

You were currently at your favorite place with the Raptors. It was one of the places where you felt peace. Your eyes watched the raptors with their trainer. You felt a little hot under the collar every time that you came here. Your boyfriend Owen Grady was quite the specimen when it came to working with his raptors. 

You gripped the bagged lunch in your hands as you waited for him to come out of the cage. It was lunchtime and you both tried no matter what to make time for one another to make sure that you had time together to keep your relationship going strong. You had no problems with this. You always loved seeing Owen working before coming and joining you for a meal. 

Owen swaggered towards you after he got out of the cage. “Been waiting long baby?” He questioned with a small smile. 

A small smile quirked to your lips. “No, I haven’t been waiting long Owen.” You said moving towards him. Your lips met with his in a soft kiss. 

“How goes it with the Indominus Rex?” He questioned softly against your lips.

“Harsh.” You said softly moving back from him. “They’re still making sure that it is safe for it to be seen.” 

“I wouldn’t doubt it.” He said with a huff as he wrapped his arm around you in a loving way. “Maybe you need to be moved onto another dinosaur.”

You let out a breath as the two of you walked slowly. “It’s not like I have much of a choice.” You admitted softly. “Most of them are taken if not all.” 

“You could always work with the raptors with me.” He said pressing a soft kiss on the top of your head as the two of you made it into an area that the two of you usually went to for lunch. 

You put the lunch down on the table. “I’m sure Blue wouldn’t like that too much.” 

Owen let out a soft chuckle. “I’m her Alpha…” 

“And I’m no one… Maybe an Omega.”  You said with a slight shake of your head. 

“You’re not an Omega.”

“Oh I’m not?” 

“You’re an Alpha like me.” 

You let out a soft chuckle. “Whatever you say darling.” You mused softly as you got lunch out of the bag. “Sorry it’s just sandwiches.” 

“I love your sandwiches.” Owen said reaching for your hand grasping it softly in his own. 

You smiled softly knowing that he was telling the truth. Perhaps everything would work here and you wouldn’t have to worry about anything for quite a while.

[thewertsearch]

Is that... Zazzerpan’s missing orb?

The coordinates point where I expected them to - America's east coast. I was half-expecting WV to be at John's, but it looks like his server player and terminal commander were operating from the same location all along. These are the ruins of Rose’s house, and, more importantly, the ruins of Skaianet.

You can even see what’s left of the surrounding forest. That’s a big crater, so I hope Dave or GG can get Rose into the Medium soon.

Here’s John’s neck of the woods. Feels like desertification should take more than a handful of years - but Sburb could have altered Earth’s climate pretty drastically.

It also looks like we've finally learned what these meteors are depositing on Earth... kind of. They’re depositing seeds which grow into these biotech ‘facilities’ dotted around the world. The two known Medium entry items - an egg and an apple - both make sense now. These facilities, (like their operators?) are grown. 

We also finally learn where John lives!

He’s a Seattle boy. I kind of feel bad for whoever actually lives at that address. At least Rose’s coordinates didn’t point to someone’s actual house.

Now, it looks like we’ve zoomed really far back.

I talked earlier about how geological timescales wouldn’t consider a thousand years to be many. This seems to have been before the Pacific Ocean was even around, much earlier in Earth’s history.

I’m actually not sure how long ago that was. At least hundreds of millions of years ago, if not billions. Even geologically, this was many years ago.

A building appears at the site of this ancient meteor impact. 

This is weird. There’s still no ocean, so it’s well before humans are supposed to evolve. It’s also well before we had frogs. In fact, before the oceans, it should also be well before life emerged. This building is the mother of all anachronisms. Perhaps it was built by beings like WV, carried here by other meteors. 

And just to drive the point home, we see it in the Late Jurassic, probably confusing the pterodactyls to no end. This building should not be here. 

Rose's mom reveals a secret bunker underneath her house, surprising basically no one. Like her daughter, she has an ulterior motive centered around Jaspers.

Aren't those John's trick handcuffs? John's helping his old man out in absentia!

Time for your miniboss, Dave. I’ve got a hunch it’ll go well. At the very least, Cal is about to get wrecked. 

Those coordinates are GG’s, which means she’s living on or above Anachronism Island. Given her elevation, she’s probably either living in the frog building, or on top of the volcano.

This island doesn't exist in reality, which makes sense, since it's a direct result of the meteor. Just why is WV's facility programmed to go here? It seems like this building is where it all began, millions of years ago. Maybe it has another role to play.

[headcanonsforcarscharacters]

I’m typing this with shaky hands so I apologize in advance for any misspellings

I JUST SAW THE CARS ON THE ROAD TRAILER!!

SPOILERS BELOW!!!!

Did Mater get rid of his rockets 😭

I can already tell the animation is a bit different from what the movies (and even Mater’s Tall Tales) were like.

Mater has a sister! I wonder what she looks like!

They’re going east, which is what I guessed. (Woo go me!) But where east? Florida? New York?

I’m excited to know what the wedding will be like! I know we saw Stanley & Lizzie’s wedding in one of the Tall Tales but I’m hoping this gives more details

How long are each of the episodes?

Why did McQueen go with Mater 🤔

McQueen looks the most like himself for some reason. His actions, I mean, not his appearance

Okay looking at the little bits of things Mater and McQueen are doing, we have “the worlds largest bolt” which I’m sure is referencing something but I don’t know what? If you have any ideas please tell me

The symbol of the president (eagle holding two olive branches in its talons) is not an eagle this time. It’s a car with wings. But it’s still holding the olive branches

There’s some kind of horror movie going on? At least, that’s what it looks like. There’s a creepy, graveyard-looking set with lights and other items seen on set

I see a forklift with what I believe to be a laptop. An Apple laptop. Which we know is canon because of the Apple/Steve Jobs race car in the first Cars. So the cars are as advanced as humans, then? Fascinating…

In the tiny flash where there’s a dinosaur, Mater and McQueen are wearing some sort of disguises? They still look like themselves though. Mater is wearing all brown with a massive hook and McQueen is just… red with a weird-looking, red hat

From the same picture as above, there is an active volcano. As far as I know, there are no active volcanos from Arizona (Radiator Springs) to the east coast. Is this for a movie, perhaps? Cars-style Jurassic Park

THE DINOS HAVE TINY HANDS!! Wheels, technically. But they’re so TINY!!!

“With just the tiniest little taste of death”. Love that for them

Green smoke coming out of a car. Slightly worrisome

Creepy-looking hallway. Although it does seem fancy enough to be in the building where a wedding were to take place. See where I’m going with this?

I think Mater is going to bawl when he is at his sister’s wedding

The green-smoke car appears to wear some kind of head covering

She (he?) has a gap in her teeth… Mater’s sister, perhaps? I mean, it would explain the wedding-style hallway…

OH!! Mater says “oh dear mother” which actually shifts my theory. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the green-smoke car is Mater’s mother

Another small town that is not Radiator Springs.

I see “Kohut Spare Parts” in the background. And a forklift? who might work there.

Mater making patterns in the dirt :) He’s pretty good at it too!!

They went to a circus! Nothing much to add here. It’s just… a cirus

NINE EPISODES!! Nine!! I get to see my babies again ❤️

Okay but how long are the episodes?

Trucks in bright, colorful lighting? Reminds me of a concert

Is Mater going to sing? I want a musical number now 😤

OH MY GOD ITS PETERBILL!!

Mossy monster truck :)

I can’t place her accent but it kind of sounds like how people in the Midwest speak given the forest, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were in the Midwest

“Woah! Look at you!” Sounds familiar… End of Cars 3 I believe

The up-and-down look McQueen gives when Mater comes out of the wash 😂

“Can’t mess with perfection”. YES he is perfect

I love his headlights

THE SEMIS LOOK LIKE THEY’RE SINGING!! PLEASE PIXAR GIVE US A MUSICAL NUMBER

Karate car? Beating up older cars with bad teeth! Sounds about right—

I want Finn and Holley to be in this so much :’(

Upside down traffic cone? With some campfires around it. It’s a campsite for sure, but where? Looks like a desert

THUNDER HALLOW 2.0???

I want to see Miss Fritter again too

Do they have a “leader” or demolition derbies there?

Still looks kinda like a desert

Why do they all look so angry?

Actually I know why. Forget I asked that

Driving around the campfire? Interesting…

”Points for pageantry” made me laugh

The more I watch this the more irritated I become with how they don’t follow the rules of the road. Like, at all.

Do the cars in the Cars universe not have the same road rules as us?

Mater and the bug 👍

Looks like he’s having a staring contest with someone

Oww the bug landed in his eye. That hurts

The colorful lights are back

I still think there might be a musical number…

THE SEMIS!!

Mater is… sinking?

Oh yeah that looks like a musical number for sure

See the weird falling motion and then he falls into some neon realm? That’s obviously not real. But the semis still look like they’re singing…

Running on open field. Not grass, might I add. Just dirt. How much you wanna bet McQueen was asked to join a race?

“This is not what I expected” only proves my point further

Orange-coded cars with fire and what appears to be weapons charging forward

Grey cars, also with weapons

IS THAT CRUZ?! IT BETTER BE!

The metal rod has purple electricity running between the two ends? Reminds me of something but I can’t remember what

Ooh a saw

Ooh spikes!!

THUNDER HALLOW 3???

But there doesn’t seem to be anyone behind them so maybe it’s just the two of them

Mater has new rockets 😔

And a hood!

“Woah” is right, McQueen!! He’s faster than you now, old man

Okay but seriously, my man is going like 300 MPH at LEAST

The DUST!

Wouldn’t that be hard on his eyes? Because we know they can feel things in their eyes (the bug landing in Mater’s eye)

He’s clearly not used to going that fast

Okay hang on… I’m getting flashbacks to the Tall Tales episode when Mater “became” a plane

He’s even breaking like he did in Tall Tales!

”Fly away, [Mater]! Be free”

The Dino is chasing them and they both look genuinely afraid

Maybe it isn’t part of the movie?

Are dinosaurs canon in the Cars universe?!

They do, indeed, have terrible costumes on. I want to know why

Ghost cars coming from pictures…

McQueen looks more confused than terrified. I think he’s seen enough during the events of Cars 2 that he isn’t surprised by anything at this point

McQueen is being forced to dance and I find that hilarious

Many ghost cars!

I just got really sad because I thought “what if Doc is there 😃?” and then I realized

Mater is swinging his hook like a madman. Someone is going to get hurt

Monster truck show!! And with mossy truck from earlier! Although she isn’t mossy anymore

She (I think they’re a she, I apologize if not) reminds me of Cruz

Closeup of Mater’s eye

WOAH his pupils got small.

The weird rocks that nobody knows the meaning of! (At least I don’t)

WEIRD ROCKS HAVE CARS ON TOP OF THEM!!

I’ll be willing to bet that Mater knocked them over

… callback to Radiator Springs 500 1/2? The goggles and everything!

Will we see the 4 cars from the Radiator Springs 1/2 as well?

“I’ve got you, buddy!” would be much more comforting given they were in a different situation

[blueluneacy]

Familiar Shore

Hey, so this is a commission for the lovey @lliminall! Thank you so much for commissioning me, it means a lot! This is a continuation of Black Ocean, so go check that out if you haven’t! It’s Bruno bucciarati x reader timeeee

Word Count: 2.8k Warnings: kidnapping, suicide, transformations, just general angst and comfort vibes

The ocean no longer had any color. It was like the moment you woke up on this terrible island, most everything lost color, the strange world you now found yourself in feeling small compared to the extent of the Labyrinth you once knew. You tended to sit by the ocean nowadays, watching the fish that swam up to the shores to see the strange being that liked to sit and watch them. When Bruno first dropped you in his little lair, some minor beasts that inhabited the ocean and the island, but it seemed that in the days that Bruno was gone, he quickly straightened them out. This place was strange in the sense that everyone seemed a lot more docile. You supposed that most people would have considered that ocean uncrossable and that the local wildlife wasn’t used to humans like yourself, leaving to strange circumstances, like finding that the many tailed foxes seemed to like your company, or that after giving some of the gray birds some of your dinner, they perched near you and cawed at the beasts that came towards you.

Of course, that’s not to say things were sunshine and roses. For example, Bruno was actually terrible. A few times you had tried to pull together a raft and get back to shore, only from Bruno to simply tear it apart and carry you back to your little island. A paradise, he called it. Yeah, what a paradise. And you had gone to Jurassic measures. You remembered waking up in that cave after doing something terrible, stepping out to find Bruno sobbing over your lifeless body. You actually felt bad enough to sigh, only for Bruno’s new keen ears to pick up on it and lunge back to you, thanking whatever Gods there were looking out for the two of you that they set your spawn to here, that you would be with him, that he wouldn’t lose you. You cursed those same gods.

But for now, Bruno seemed to leave you alone. Whether it was because he understood that you needed space and time to process this, or just because he was busy with who knows what, you weren’t sure. Maybe he needed a steady supply of torture to sustain him. It would make sense, the way beasts seem to just thrive on destroying any human being that they came into contact with. But, there was also another problem, one that plagued you. It had to be a lie, right? Bruno couldn’t have possibly actually… Turned into a beast, right? No, he had to be one beforehand. There’s no way that a human being could turn into a beast, and even so… Why would he? Bruno was kind and caring… Unless he wasn’t. Until he was completely deranged, dragging you under the depths until you passed out. You didn’t like to think about it, didn’t like to think about those eyes. You just closed your eyes, telling yourself in just another minute, you’d walk the fifty feet back to the cave you had now found as your home, finding the stone becoming increasingly more smooth, the terrible thing that was keeping here making it more homey day by day. What started off as a simple cave with furs on the ground now had furniture, actual walls, even a bed. You still preferred to sleep on the floor if it meant it kept Bruno from holding you. It didn’t.

After a few moments and a lot of convincing yourself to get up, solely just to eat and get some rest as you plotted your way out of this mess, you made your way over to the cave only to stop when you heard voices. One of them you recognized, Bruno, but there was someone actually responding to him. You swallowed, unable to help yourself from hiding at the edge of the cave to listen in to what they were saying.

“I just don’t know if I can make it work, is all. I mean, you’ve seen them. They’re horrified of… This.” Bruno spoke out, leaving the other beast just to scoff.

“They’re horrified that you’re no longer human. Something that you can’t change. Do you honestly believe that you can make them separate this idea of who you once were versus who you are now?” The other beast, for what other creature would be able to speak out with such calm in front of Bruno in the state that he was in now, replied, sounding simply skeptical.

“But you don’t understand, it’s not like I’ve changed. I’m still the same person, I just-”

“Happened to have turned into an eldritch horror beyond basic human comprehension now trapped in a liminal space shaped like a labyrinth. Good pitch.” He sounded so curt, leaving Bruno just to huff.

“I don’t know why I even bothered to ask you.”

“Because you knew I would be honest with you. It would be easiest if you just gave up on the human, Buccellati. Humans are odd, fragile, and emotional. You could easily find a nice beast girl to settle down if you really wanted.” He replied, leaving you just to… ponder. You never really thought of beasts actually speaking to each other, much less loving each other.

“You act as though we’re not humans.” Bruno replied sharply, leaving the other beast to sigh.

“You’re not. We’re not. Sure, maybe at one time, but there’s no way back. Who knows, maybe you and Dio can laugh over this one day.”

“He’s on the other side of the Labyrinth. Speaking of which, how are there other Beasts in this territory? I thought it was supposed to be mine.”

“Oh, only stronger beasts deal with things like territory. Pathetic ones like me, we don’t have that luxury. It’s easier to say you’re with the biggest guy in the room than to try and stake out your own claim in the world. Plenty of territories are filled with beasts that simply stick around for protection or just because they feel like it. I’m surprised you don’t have a line out the door with Beasts asking for your blessing to move in, this is prime real estate.”

“They’re too dangerous for my beloved to be around. I’m particular about the things that might feel too comfortable to try and hurt them.”

“If you’re choosey, then you really made a bad choice in letting me stay.”

“You don’t like humans. I figured you didn’t have the spine to break theirs.” You gasped at that, Bruno’s fine tuned ears finally picking up on your listening in to their conversation and standing up.

“Cara, you can come in. It’s rude to listen in.” He called out to you, leaving you to swallow as you stepped out into the low candlelight of the cave, making your way inside. You just stared at the ground, not wanting to respond for fear of… You weren’t really sure. Bruno didn’t tend to get mad at you, but you didn’t know anything about this other beast. When you caught a glimpse of him, you were a bit skeptical. While Bruno tended to hide his more… Er, Inhuman qualities, this other beast had no qualms about being comfortable. You saw how his silvery hair fell over his shoulders, his painted lips barely concealing rows of sharp teeth and neatly done nails actually claws.

“Tesoro, this is Leone Abbacchio. He’ll be staying near the Shore, so you may see him often.” Bruno told you, leaving you just to roll your eyes.

“Oh boy, another terrifying monster I get to live near! I’ll make sure to bake cookies for the house party.” You replied, leaving Bruno’s face just to set into a grimace while Abbacchio just smiled and rolled his eyes.

“I have no interest in humans, and much less one this scrappy.” He replied, standing up. It took a moment for his insult to click, but once it did, you were ready to fucking fight. Would you lose? Probably. But your honor. But, before you could get a word out, Abbacchio just brushed himself off of bits of sand that seemed to stick at his body, and turned to Bruno.

“I’ll let you two have your lovers quarrel in peace.” And with that, Abbacchio quickly was out of there, leaving you alone with Bruno, who just shook his head as he sat down, motioning for you to sit with him. You did not obey.

“Don’t just stand there, tesoro. Perhaps we should talk. I hate the idea that there’s something wrong with our relationship.” Bruno told you, leaving you just to scoff as you crossed your arms.

“It’s fundamentally wrong, because it’s based on a lie. Me being here isn’t because of love! It’s because of… Because you… I’m your prisoner, Bruno!” You didn’t know why tears were welling up in your eyes, why the pain hit your heart as you spoke the truth, but it did. Your dreams of escaping with Bruno to the outside world, outside of this hell, were crushed entirely. Everything was just a wreck, Bruno had lost it, and beyond it all, he still gave you a pang in your heart. Bruno just shook his head, standing up and you released how much taller than you he was. Was he always this much taller than you? Still, it didn’t matter, you didn’t have the chance to step away before Bruno wrapped his arms around you, holding you tight. It was possessive, but his hand came behind your head, pressing your face into his chest. You gasped as you released he still smelled the same as before, of coastal air and cypress.

“I… I don’t care about that, (Y/n). I can’t lose you, not like everyone else. Please, just stay with me. If I lose you, I know… I know I’ll become like the rest of them. Please, I really do love you. Don’t you love me back?” Bruno’s voice was shaking, as if he were about to cry. You had the instinct to try and comfort him, holding yourself back the best you could.

“I… I don’t know anymore. It feels like… I’m haunted by you at this point. This person you once were and the… Thing you are now.” You replied, leaving Bruno just to sigh and let you go.

“I… But I haven’t changed. I haven’t hurt a single human. If anything, I’m safest out here. No one could possibly come out here, it’ll just be you and me. We can make the life you spoke about here, we can get married and have a family-”

“Bruno, no! We can never have that! You know that! Deep down in your heart, you know that just as well as I do, that this will never work! Even before... “ You looked away, hoping to find some sense of reality in a pace that seems to lack it. God, this was terrible. “We were just chasing after affection, weren’t we? Did we really love each other, or were we just so lonely that we didn’t know what to do and threw ourselves at the idea of human contact?” You replied, leaving Bruno to sigh.

“(Y/n), do you remember how you entered into the Labyrinth?”

“I…. What?” That was out of nowhere. You wondered if maybe he was trying to change the subject, but nonetheless, you shrugged and decided to answer.

“I don’t remember. I was walking through the woods one day, and it was like I got lost… Well, lost forever. I don’t really… Know what I did to deserve all of this.” You replied, leaving Bruno to sigh.

“Is there something back in your old life so pressing that you have to return to it? Is the world outside better than something we could build?” Bruno asked. You wanted to argue so bad, but he was right in a way. There really was nothing that you had going for you back at home. You would go back to work, live your boring, mundane life, but…

“You’re holding me hostage here, Bruno.”

“I’m protecting you. (Y/n), there’s no way out of the Labyrinth unless you have someone from the outside to pull you out. There’s no exit. That is the main secret of the Labyrinth.” He told you, his voice serious, and you knew he was telling the truth.

“I-I… T-Then, what were we searching for all that time?! Why were we… What kind of torture is all this?!” You replied, shaking a bit. You didn’t notice the way your hands were starting to fade and distort, but you didn’t care. “What kind of being would create such a terrible place?!”

“I… I don’t know, tesoro. I really don’t know. But… If there’s no one outside looking for you, you have to understand. Travelling back to the main portion of the Labyrinth is…” He didn’t have to say it. It was a death sentence, a world of torture waiting to happen. You just collapsed, feeling yourself collapse into a pile as you sobbed, trying to find some way, some reason for your entire existence here. You wanted to believe this was a lie, you really did, but something about Bruno’s tone.... How did he even learn this? Did that other beast tell him? Maybe it was just a lie that that beasts told, and Abbacchio knew that Bruno would try to be a sap with you. Torture by proxy. But still… Bruno’s hand hit your back, rubbing it gently as he sat down next to you.

“I… I know. Apparently… Every Beast that is in the Labyrinth was once a human being. One that was never saved.” He told you, leaving you just to go silent. You looked at your hands, the twisting of your own flesh and the accenting of claws that you had been telling yourself was just your nails growing jagged from lack of care. You turned to Bruno, lip quivering.

“I’m just haunted by the ghost of the person I thought I loved, and I don’t know if that person truly is you, or if he was killed in the fire.” You whispered, almost hoping that Bruno wouldn’t hear it. He just pulled you closer, wiping away your tears.

“I… I honestly don’t know. I feel like I am the same person, but who knows. I don’t know what has changed about me, and what hasn’t. All I know is… (Y/n), you keep me whole. You keep me… Good. I can’t explain it. I know you loved that person before, but… Could you ever be able to love me too?” He asked, leaving you just to look at the ground.

“I… I think so. I…” Your eyes just welled up with tears again as you grabbed onto Bruno, sobbing. You mourned for him, for yourself, for the hell that dozens were put through.

“What’s going to happen to me, Bru? Am I going to become a monster?” You asked, leaving the man to just pet your hair, hushing you.

“No matter what you become, you’re still going to be mia cara. And I’ll always love you, no matter what. I promise.” He told you. You looked up, letting your hand run along his cheek as you pressed your lips against his for the first time in forever. And he wasn’t warm the way he once was, but the kiss was still real, and his lips were still soft. When he pulled away, Bruno just held you in his arms, the two of you sharing a soft moment as you both tried to process the new reality that had come upon you. This was now the world you lived in, a world of Beasts and humans who would someday become beasts. If there were gods, they were only malevolent.

“I… I really do love you, (Y/n). I want a life with you. Even if it has to be in this hell, I really do mean what I meant. I think we could create a paradise here. A place just for us, forever.” He told you, and in your week state, you just nodded, letting Bruno hold you as you closed your eyes.

“I… I love you too. I’ve always loved you.” You told him, feeling your eyes get heavy as you cuddled up with Bruno. You looked into his eyes again, seeing that blue you had fallen in love with in the beginning, the Fisherman’s son who was determined to get home, with that serious look on his face, but full of hope. His eyes still had hope, though. For some reason, that seemed to comfort you, seemed to make you feel like things… Might be okay. Maybe not now, but someday.

For the last time that night, you dreamed of that idyllic life you once wanted with Bruno, in the old world on the ocean, a family and kids and peace. When you awakened in the arms of the beast, you were finally ready to throw it away.

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

@sebastianshaw​  Hey, remember when I said that Potoroo Park was the dumbest thing I’ve ever written?  I take it back.  It’s this.  This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever written.  You have my deepest apologies. 

Dreams

Pyro was wearing one of his very old outfits – tight-fitting white pants that flared out at the ankles and a shimmery purple shirt. That was his first clue that something was wrong.  The second clue was that he appeared to be standing in the sand at Bondi Beach, one of Sydney’s most famous and popular tourist spots, instead of his familiar cabin on the Marauder.  

The third clue was the crowd of people rushing past him, screaming in terror.  

“What – “  A panicked surfer slammed into him before he could even get the question out, knocking him into the sand.  For a moment, Pyro was furious because the pants stained so easily, and he’d spent most of his paycheck for that last article on this outfit, and then he remembered that he hadn’t worn any of these clothes in decades.  They’d all gotten sold off at second-hand shops when St. John Allerdyce was packing up his civilian life and running off to become Pyro. He’d worn a lot more red and orange after that.    

The stampede continued around him as he picked himself up, and he could hear voices in the crowd.

“Emus!  The emus are coming!”  

“What?”  

“Emus, mate!”  One of the fleeing beach-goers stopped for a moment to push him along, and Pyro found himself running in spite of himself.  “They won the war and now they’ve turned on us!”  

“What?!”  

“And they’ve allied with cassowaries!”  

“Oh, fuck!”  And then Pyro was running in earnest.  Tourists were always fooled by cassowaries, with their vibrant blue heads that were so very pretty.  To hell with those those murder peacocks.  They were basically feathered dinosaurs, and they’d kick your guts out like an extra on Jurassic Park.  

The fact that none of this made any sense at all did not occur to Pyro.  He was too busy flailing as an errant foot sent him down into the sand again, this time getting stepped on by a few people.

“Augh!  Fuckin’…….gettoff!  Gettoff ya cunts!”  He pushed himself up, dazed, as the crowd receded into the distance, fully intending to burn every god damn one of them, which they totally deserved for trampling him into the dirt like that.  Although he might have to burn a few cassowaries, first.

Two booted feet suddenly appeared in the sand before him.  Pyro looked up, and immediately regreted it.  

The man wore thigh-high black leather boots, and what appeared to be a red diaper held up by odd suspenders crossed over his chest.  And nothing else.  Pyro was not a prude, or someone disgusted by the male body (quite the opposite, in fact). But he had no desire to see anyone dressed like that.  Especially not Fabian Cortez.

“You poor dear, those brutes have left you behind! Are you hurt?”  With a dazzling smile, Cortez offered Pyro a hand up, and the threat of murderous birds on their heels was enough to make him take it.

“Not to worry, my beauty,” Fabian continued before Pyro could even respond.  “I’ll save you!  You can be part of my harem when I defeat the emu army and am declared emperor for life!” He swept Pyro into his arms with surprising ease, and began sprinting down the beach.  

“Put me down, you sleazy piece of – “  Over Fabian’s shoulder, Pyro saw a cloud of dust on the horizon behind them.  The ground rumbled with the sound of powerful, clawed feet.  “Never mind, please keep carrying me.  And run faster.”

“Haha!  Don’t fret, my precious flower!  Those birds are no match for the mighty thighs of Fabian Cortez!”  

“Uh-huh, that’s great.  But I’ll just torch a few to discourage them from getting too close, shall I?”  The dust cloud was getting bigger, and Pryo could faintly see beady eyes and geaming claws in the mass.  He felt in his pockets for his lighter.  Then he felt again.  Then he desperately ran his hands all along his body, praying that he had it in some shirt pocket, even tucked away in his shoe.  

“Stop fidgeting, my cuddly koala!  I know you must be going nearly mad with desire, being so close to me, but please control yourself until I can deal with this crisis. Then I promise I’ll give you full and complete satisfaction, until you faint from sheer delight.”

“Where’s my bloody lighter you wanker?”  Pyro yelled, yanking on Fabain’s long red braid. “I need my lighter!”  

“You don’t need that!”  Fabian argued.  “You only need me!”

“I.  Need. My.  Fucking.  Lighter,” Pyro growled, punctuating each word with another yank on the braid.  He tried to focus on the anger, and not on the panic that was bubbling up in his chest.  No lighter meant he was completely and utterly exposed.  His powers meant fuck-all without fire for him to grab hold of. Because God forbid the fire-manipulating guy actually be able to create fire, right?  That would make things too easy.  

“Don’t get hysterical, my darling wallaby!  Upon my word as a gentleman and supreme mutant, I’ll protect you.  We just have to get to the high ground!”  

“What high ground?”  Pyro exclaimed, but suddenly they were right in front of the Sydney Opera House.  Which was miles away from Bondi Beach, nowhere near running distance, but what the hell.

“We shall climb to safety, my exquisite dingo. And from there I can come up with a strategic plan to save the country –“  Fabian was interrupted as a cassowary charged at him, kicking and squawking.   He jumped back with a rather undiginified squawk of his own.  The birds were all around them now, jabbing and kicking with beaks and claws.  

“Never mind, Allerdyce, it’s every man for himself! I’ll remember your sacrifice, my dearest Tasmanian devil!”  Fabian dropped Pyro, leaped onto the wall and began climbing.

“Wait just a damn minute, you piece of – “   Pyro began climbing himself.  It shouldn’t have been possible to scale Sydney Opera House, but somehow he was doing it, and very quickly went from the main building up onto the shell-like half-domes that protruded up from the roof.

“We’ll be safe up here, my sweet funnel-web spider! Emus and cassowaries are flightless birds!”  Fabian called down.

“I know they’re flightless birds, I’m from this country!”  Pyro looked down for a moment, at the dark mass of birds gathered below him.  There were thousands of them.  Which wouldn’t be a problem if Pyro just had his damned lighter, but of course he was one of the few mutants that needed some outside “help” to use his powers. Fuck genetics right up the arse.  

But it was okay, as long as they stayed up high on the building.  

Wait.  There was a flurry of activity down below, and Pyro saw, to his disbelief, the birds starting to stand on each other’s backs.  

“Climb faster, Cortez!” he yelled up, but soon they reached the tip of the tallest shell, and there was nowhere else to go.          

“I don’t suppose there’s the slightest chance you’ve got some matches in that diaper of yours, is there?”  Pyro asked in despair.

“I’m afraid not, my beloved duck-billed platypus. The only hot thing inside my pants is – “

“Shut UP, Cortez!”  Pyro looked down, and immediately regreted it.  The emu-cassowary “ladders” were working their way up the building.  

“Look!  Up in the sky!”  Fabian pointed at a dot far in the distance.  “Is it a bird, or perhaps a plane?”

“That’s not really a pressing issue right now, Cortez!” Pyro snapped, but he paused to look at the dot all the same.  It was quickly getting bigger, as if approaching them.  In a moment, it took shape, revealing the sillouhette of a man.

That in itself wasn’t so strange.  There were all sorts of mutant flyers, both men and women. But there was something especially odd about this one.  There were thin, wing-like appendages that seemed to be protruding out of his face. Then the figure came close enough to recognize, and Pyro groaned.  This was the only thing that could make his day worse.

“Greetings, friends!” exclaimed Sebastian Shaw, looking far cheerier than usual.  “It seems as though you need some assistance!  Let me read to you from the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People!”  

He was wearing his usual rich-as-fuck business suit, but…his hair.  Pyro realized with growing disgust that Shaw’s sideburns had grown freakishly long and seemed to move of their own accord, like the tentacles of some deep-water sea creature.  It appeared to be the primary thing holding him aloft.

“Shaw, what the fuck?!”

“Who is Shaw?”  Sebastian looked innocently confused, a completely alien expression on his face.  “I am the Flying Capitalist, my friends, and I’m here to help people help themselves! I know that with the proper encouragement, you two can overcome adversity, just as I once did!  I worked 13-hour shifts in the foundry starting at age 9, and it made me the man I am today!  Here, have some applications for a management training program!”  Shaw tossed paper down at them.

“Or maybe you could carry us out of here?” Pyro asked.  “Since you can fly and all that…..somehow.”  The sideburns fluttered like pennants for the world’s most disgusting baseball team as Shaw bobbed up and down with the air currents.

“Yes, save us, Flying Capitalist!”  Fabian begged.  “Or at least save me, if there’s only room for one!”    

“Oh, I could carry you to safety.  But would that really be helping you?”

“Yes!”  Pyro exclaimed.

“Nonsense!”  Sebastian waved a hand.  “The real assistance is to help you help yourself.  After all, give a man a fish and he eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish, and he becomes your competitor. But, teach a man to sweep floors and carry buckets of cod, and you can employ him at minimum wage in your fish processing plant!  Everyone wins!  But especially me!”  

“What the absolute bloody fuck are you talking about?”

“There are no free rides in this life, son,” Sebastian continued, now looking stern.  “I’ve done all I can at this point.  You’ll have to get yourself out of this.  Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and levitate!”  

“That’s completely impossible!” Pyro said.

“Nothings impossible if you’ve got will and drive! It’s the American way!  They said I’d never bring sideburns back, but look at me now!”  

Pyro was trying not to.  The horrible, undulating waves of hair stretched too far across the sky.

“Just pull yourself up, Allerdyce!  You can do it!  Actually, I doubt you can, but it doesn’t matter.  Progress and industry don’t slow down for the incompetent.” Sideburns flapping, Sebastian started to rise into the air again.  “Read Atlas Shrugged!”

“Shaw, have you got a lighter?  At least toss me a lighter!”  Pyro called after him.

“Boooootsraaaaaps……”  came Sebastian’s voice, faint on the wind as he flew away into the clouds.    

For a moment, Pyro and Fabian looked at each other, then back down at the ground.  The emu and cassowaries, piled atop each other, had created a massive living wall that was now dangerously close.

“Maybe we can negotiate?”  

“With who exatly?”

“I think that’s their leader!”  Fabian pointed at a small figure, perched atop the head of the central cassowary.  If Pyro squinted, he could see that it appeared to be wearing a tiny crown and mantle.

“Oh look at it, it’s so cute!”  Fabian gushed.  “Look at its little whiskers and paws!”  

It was cute.  The tiny rodent – Pyro thought he remembered it having some silly name….pootalo?  Poorooto? – gazed up at them with unreadable black eyes.  It twitched it’s adorable little nose, and held out a tiny paw.  Then it turned the paw in a very clear thumbs down gesture.  

“Oh, for fucks sakes!”  Pyro exclaimed as the emus surged forward, up towards them.  

“Maybe we can appease them with a sacrifice!  Forgive me, my petite salt-water crocodile.  I’ll never forget you!”  Cortez grabbed Pyro and attempted to shove him off the ledge.

“Like, hell, Cortez!  You’re coming down with me!”  Pyro wrapped his hands around Fabian’s neck and held on as they tipped forward past the point of no return.  For an instant they were tumbling down towards the sea of birds and the cold dark eyes of King Potoroo –

Then, Pyro jerked awake and felt himself hit the floor.  He flailed around frantically for a moment, and realized that he was sprawled in his cabin on the Marauder  

“Ugh…..”  Pyro lay still while the wave of nausea that always accompanied his hang-overs washed over him.  This time it was accompanied by a sense of relief as the nightmare faded.

“What the god damn hell was that all about?”  Pyro muttered aloud.  Was it some kind of extremely problematic expression of suppressed guilt for living in a country founded on colonization?  Pyro didn’t really dwell on it, but he was well aware of Australia’s bloody history.  Was it his own underlying insecurity about his powers, which at times seemed to reduce him to “guy with flame-thrower”?  Was it a twisted version of his latest romance novel, first draft still halfway completed?  Was he somehow punishing himself for past crimes by dreaming about the two worst people in the entire world?

As his vision came into focus, Pyro spotted the bottle lying next to him.  Tequila, laced with mescaline, which Shinobi had acquired on the black market.  Shinobi, who was still on the bed, snored peacefully, with every inch of the sheets wrapped around him in a satin cocoon.  

Well, that explained it.  Throwing on a pair of shorts, Pyro staggered out to the top deck, and tossed the bottle overboard.  Never again. 

FYI: Fabian is wearing this outfit from the terrible sci-fi movie Zardoz.  I’m so sorry.

[childrenoflight-darkness-nothing]

“If the world was ending, you’d come over right?”

“Would you love me for the hell of it? All our fears would irrelevant.”

Look all I can see is a broken up Greybane desperately trying to keep the channel going, because that’s what they promised there at the beginning. Things didn’t work out? They’d still have the channel. They’re doing it for the fans. Doing it for the music.

Both of them right back to pining for the other. But how do you go back? How do they go back to what they were? How do they fix things?

And it’s akward and strictly professional. And those bloopers of them goofing off and having fun, they just. Don’t exist anymore. One of them messes up a part? It’s not laughing and teasing anymore.

There’s no random jumps to the Jurassic park theme to try and trip Nyar up. They’re not tripping over each other laughing anymore. All of the funs out of it. Because how do they go back to how they were? How do you fix this?

And this song comes up on their roster for them to do a cover. How I’m not sure. I don’t think either of them would choose it. Perhaps it was requested.

So they’re working on it. Both of them singing their parts, and all that they can think is if the world was ending they wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone else.

“If the world was ending you’d come over, right?”

“There’s no reason we’d even have to say goodbye.”

And Jace was the one to make the first move the first time. But this time it’s Nyar. And it’s slow. The healing. It takes time. And Jace eventually moves back in. And maybe things won’t ever be back the way they were, but they can be better. They can grow and change, and work through this.

[junker-town]

Here are 9 of the most badass animals ever to swim

Art by Tyson Whiting

Say hello to some horrifying sea monsters

This article was originally published on SB Nation a while ago, but was always intended for a Secret Base-y audience. So if you haven’t seen it yet, here you go!

The Earth has some very cool aquatic predators swimming about. Thanks to their intelligence and pack-hunting techniques, orcas are, perhaps, the most dangerous hunters ever to swim the ocean. Saltwater crocodiles are bulletproof murder tanks. And the great white shark, of course, needs no introduction. But now that we’re talking about terrifying underwater murder-beasts, why just settle for just the ones we have around now?

Underwater murder-beasts have a long and distinguished (pre-)history, and I thought it would be fun to introduce y’all to some new pals. TO THE IMAGINARY TIME MACHINE!

Temnodontosaurus eurycephalus

Grumpy croco-dolphin

Ichthyosaurs evolved 250 million years ago. In the aftermath of the Permian extinction, which killed off a frankly horrifying number of creatures, a group of terrestrial reptiles took to the depleted seas. Fast-forward a little bit and you have primitive ichthyosaurs, creatures so well adapted to oceanic life that they ended up looking like a cross between a crocodile and an extremely ill-tempered, extremely large dolphin.

Fast-forward even further, to the early Jurassic (175 million years ago), and you have Temnodontosaurus eurycephalus. It’s not the largest ichthyosaur ever to grace the seas, but it’s up there, and it’s a far more developed predator than its giant forebears. Somewhere around 30 feet long, T. emnodontosaurus was a powerful swimmer with strong jaws, well-equipped to chow down on other Jurassic swimmers. One closely-related species possessed the largest eyes of any known animal, perfect for hunting in deeper oceanic waters; another has been found with the remains of a different ichthyosaur in is stomach.

This monster considered 13-foot oceanic reptiles a delicious snack. It was also fast. Spare a thought for the poor ocean-going creatures minding their own business before one of these huge assholes rams into them from below at speed, opens those long, toothy jaws and turns them into lunch.

Deinosuchus hatcheri

Dinosaur hunter

Take a saltwater crocodile. Actually, it’s probably best not to. They are, after all, 20-foot, 2,000-pound apex predators more than happy to eat anything they come across, including you. Salties are strong, fast and surprisingly smart. They are at home in the open ocean as well as along the coast. Like all crocodiles, they’re ambush predators who use water as cover to attack their prey. Unlike most crocodiles they’re capable of jumping clear out of the water to get to it. They have the strongest bite of any living animal.

Right. Now that you have a saltwater crocodile in your head, make one, oh, twice as big. Yeah, like that. Decently boat-sized. Terrifying teeth in terrifying, dino-crushing jaws. Armored skin thick enough to turn aside more or less anything.

Your terrifying vision is Deinosuchus hatcheri, a crocodile adapted to more or less the exact same situation as a modern saltwater but in a world inhabited by giant dinosaurs. During the late Cretaceous (80 million years ago), North America was split by a shallow sea, the Western Interior Seaway. D. hatcheri was present on both the western side of the seaway (a slightly smaller species dominated the east), happily chowing through dinosaurs who were foolish enough to get too close.

Anomalocaris canadensis

Nightmare Shrimp

So far we’ve had a dolphin analogue in Temnodontosaurus and an actual crocodile. Cool, but nowhere near the sort of weirdness the past can provide. So let’s go to the deep, deep past, revealed wonderfully by the Burgess Shale. Here we shall find the NIGHTMARE SHRIMP.

One of the problems with studying the very earliest phase of animal life — we’re talking half a billion years at this point — is that it’s squishy, and squishy is not of much benefit when it comes to preserving fossils. Thanks to a fluke of geology, the conditions that produced the Burgess Shale were also capable of preserving soft tissue, giving palaeontologists a rare chance to look into what the seas looked like during the first days of the animal kingdom.

They looked extremely weird. The fauna found in the Burgess Shale was almost obnoxiously uncategorisable. One famous example is the worm Hallucigenia, which so confused everyone involved that it was reconstructed upside-down for the better part of a decade. Another is Opabinia, which looks sort of like a five-eyed miniature vacuum cleaner. I promise I am not making this up.

Anyway, all these critters were apparently food for the ocean’s first proper predator.

With good eyes set on flexible stalks and a surprising turn of speed, Anomalocaris canadensis cruised the Pre-Cambrian seas in death-shrimp mode. It was a full meter long, dwarfing most of its companions in the Burgess Shale. It was also delightfully strange-looking. It is so odd, in fact, that when it was discovered its various body parts were assigned to several different animals.

A. canadensis would be higher on this list if we could be sure of what it actually ate. Long-held to be a trilobite-hunter, recent studies have shown it would probably have had to restrict itself to soft-bodied prey due to relatively flimsy mouthparts, and therefore could only have actually eaten a trilobite just after a moult. But it’s much more fun to imagine this guy roaming the seafloor chomping down on everything, so that’s what we’ll do.

Disclaimer: an old friend of mine is a paleontologist who specializes in the Burgess Shale fossils. I did not contact him for this story, because I am consumed by envy whenever I so much as think about him.

Cameroceras

Spiky death-squid

Back in the Palaeozoic and Mesozoic, cephalopods were armored critters, much like our modern nautilus. The most famous of them, and one of the most widely known extinct animals ever, is the spiral-shelled ammonite. Since they had hard shells, they’re extremely common in marine strata. They also got surprisingly large. The biggest-known ammonite was two meters across. Imagine that thing trying to swim.

Ammonites weren’t the only armored cephalopod prowling the ancient seas, however. The orthocones were straight-shelled versions, and some of those got really, really big. Like Cameroceras. Current estimates put Cameroceras’s shell at upwards of six meters long. That’s three average-sized men stacked on each others’ shoulders.

Somehow this monster was still able to get about in the Ordovician seas. It’s quite hard to imagine it chasing anything around, so it presumably surprised trilobites etc. at nighttime or dug it out of the mud, but since paleoecology is at least in part about imagination, right now I’m enjoying Cameroceras retracting its head deep into its shell and pretending to be a cave before trying to eat whatever entered. It wouldn’t be quite big enough to swallow the Millennium Falcon, buuuuuuuuut ...

Carcharocles megalodon

The shark that eats planets

Megalodon needs no introduction. The great white shark has a profound hold on popular culture, but its long-gone big sister isn’t far behind. Megalodon made even the most vicious shark in today’s seas look like a toy. Since sharks are mostly soft tissue, they don’t fossilize as well as we’d like, but their teeth do, and Megalodon’s tell a terrifying story.

Megalodon died out only relatively recently. It wasn’t quite contemporaneous with human beings, but its extinction was recent enough that there are plenty of folks willing to tell tall tales of how it might still be swimming somewhere in the depths of the ocean. If it was, probably best not to get anywhere near it — a Megalodon may have had a bite force of up to 10 times the strength of a great white. That’d be a bad day.

What were those huge jaws for? Whales. Apparently, these things liked to swim up from underneath its prey and bite through their chest to reach their internal organs. The ability to kill a whole-ass whale with one bite is honestly horrifying, even if whales in Megalodon’s day were a little smaller than the current batch of great rorquals.

Jaekelopterus rhenaniae

Sea Scorpion

Did you know ‘sea scorpions’ were a thing? Sea scorpions were a thing. Since eurypterids (to give them their proper name) went extinct hundreds of millions of years ago, we don’t have very good comparisons for what these things were like. So let’s get creative. Let’s take a lobster. Despite their ferocious armament, lobsters are relatively placid creatures. They’re not averse to grabbing a fish here or a mollusk there, but they’re not built for hunting. Let’s make the required tweaks.

We need to add eyes. Let’s make them big and sensitive and set for stereoscopic vision, which allows those pincers to be used more effectively to grab prey. Let’s make them better swimmers, too — we’ll add some paddles for agility and short bursts of speed. Let’s make their claws spikier, just for sheer scare value.

Oh and let’s make them 10 feet long and perfectly happy to eat you alive. Now you have a Jaekelopterus. Aren’t you glad they’re dead?

Dunkleosteus terrelli

A, uh, fish-tank

When evolution first came up with bone, it got a little bit carried away. Well, a lot carried away. The era of armored fishes is one of the most fabulously strange in the entire history of the planet. (A personal favorite of mine is Lunapsis, which looks like a fish had a baby with Batman’s utility belt.) With bone-plated heads and upper bodies, these fish probably didn’t swim very well, but who cares? They looked cool as hell, and with that body armor they were well protected against predators.

Which, as it turns out, is the sort of inspiration nature needs to come up with some better predators*. Enter Dunkleosteus, a monster armored fish with a set of jaws which could rip straight through the armor of any other fish slowly swimming through the Devonian ocean. Known to be 20 feet long, it didn’t really have teeth so much as a huge bony beak, which honestly makes the whole contraption even more frightening, like some sort of mobile oceanic guillotine.

*I’m being overly teleological here. Forgive me. Nature, of course, does not ‘come up with�� anything.

Mosasaurus hoffmanni

For whatever reason, the fauna of Cretaceous period got big. Really, really big. On land, we had Tyrannosaurus Rex. In the skies, azhdarchids the size of small aircraft coasted from thermal to thermal. And in the shallow seas, we had another monster: Mosasaurus.

Mosasaurus was essentially an enormous — estimates have it as almost 60 feet long — ocean-going lizard. Its legs were replaced with bladed paddles for maneuverability and it had a powerful tail for direct propulsion. Mosasaurus ate everything it could get in its mouth, which was a) double-hinged for extra capacity and b) already pretty capacious to begin with.

It would have hung around near the surface of the ocean, where there was an abundance of prey. Mosasaurus could have waited for other marine reptiles (such as Archelon, the largest turtle known) to come up to breathe, grab low-flying pterosaurs on fishing expeditions, or simply have picked off the many large fish that swam the Cretaceous seas.

Livyatan Melvilli

Moby-Dick’s even-scarier dad

In 1820, the Essex was lost in the southern Pacific Ocean. The ship had been sent out to hunt for sperm whales (Physeter macrocephalus, since you asked), but soon had the tables turned when it was attacked and sunk by a ferocious bull. Of the 20 crew, only eight survived, and the incident went on to inspire a famous book about whales which you may have heard of.

What you probably haven’t heard of is Livyatan. Modern sperm whales are enormous creatures, but very rare boat attacks aside, they’re only really dangerous to their favorite prey, deep-swimming squid. But not so long ago, geographically speaking, there were also a group of ‘macroraptorial’ sperm whales. These didn’t eat squid. Instead, they competed with Megalodon to hunt other great whales.

Livyatan’s teeth are some of the most awe-inspiring fossils in the world. The biggest ones are 12 inches long and look like artillery shells. Estimates have Livyatan as sitting a touch smaller than its modern friends, but those teeth indicate that it would have been significantly more vicious, fully capable of cutting a sperm whale into very bloody chunks.

It’s not clear whether or not Livyatan hunted alone or in packs, like a modern killer whale, but it had the power and size to be able to plausibly compete with Megalodon even solo. The crew of the Essex found out that a bull sperm whale could be a formidable opponent; one suspects Livyatan would have left even fewer survivors.

[danwhobrowses]

General Discussion: All Elite Wrestling (AEW) Part 2

This is a part 2 of a recent dump of stuff I’m talking about in regards to AEW, if you want to see my critiques and comments in hindsight about AEW Check it out on part 1 -> Here Part 2 is gonna revolve around the future, immediate and long-term, starting with the upcoming All Out PPV

All Out 2020

Criticisms about the Buy In aside, All Out still looks like a heavily stacked card, which is always a positive. I do worry a little that the Tooth and Nail match’s addition will cut into others’ time so hopefully everyone gets a good amount, but if people criticise some matches for being too short remember that fan demand insisted that the same Swole/Baker match be on the paid card rather than having a lot of time to show it for free. And as much as people criticise AEW’s women, the women’s matches are among the top 5 most anticipated matches on the card, probably only behind the tag title and world title match, isn’t that a great thing? Not to mention that the women’s title match encourages AEW/NWA relations, which really would make wrestling better if wrestlers could be more fluid in their appearances. But anyway, All Out is something I look forward to, so let’s break down some predictions? (if you’re wondering why I’m not just doing this on a podcast or something, my voice is not the dulcet flowing river of articulation my writing would imply to be, I like having time and proofing my words, plus if I talk to much my tongue swells and I stutter, stammer and suck at eye contact) So my thoughts for the full card

Predictions

The Buy In

Casino Battle Royale - Eddie Kingston. While I’d be down for Fénix, Pentagon, Archer or even a new or returning face like PAC to win, I think Kingston is the safe bet. The man talks like liquid and his match with Cody brought a lot of eyes to the product. This will continue and start new hostilities, but don’t expect anyone who has faced Moxley before to win, AEW don’t do title rematches so much.

Private Party vs Dark Order (Silver and Reynolds) - this quickly put-together match is going to Private Party, because Silver and Reynolds are enhancement tag teams still, they can win but they won’t win often. Plus the more Silver loses the more bits he’ll have with Brodie on BTE and those are gold.

Main Card

Tooth and Nail - Britt Baker, I expect the cinematic match to have shenanigans but also protect Baker in the midst of her injury recovery. While Swole has been doing the physical lifting of the feud I think having Britt lose on her return could be the wrong choice in the long run.

Dark Order vs The Nightmare Family - Dark Order, Brodie has elevated the tag team to the point where they are a big faction, and they need the big win for this. Cardona, Sky and the Natural Nightmares can take this loss too, but I’d expect QT or Dustin to take the fall for this. Bonus prediction that Tay Conti will indeed join the Dark Order with Anna Jay, leading to them beating down Brandi and Allie at ringside (setting up a women’s tag feud that’d explain why they were kept on other sides of the Deadly Draw bracket)

The Young Bucks vs Jurassic Express - This one I have Jurassic Express, it may be an upset because the Bucks are still reeling from Hangman’s betrayal, this can also lead to the Bucks being more heelish to accompany a Cleaner Kenny Omega. Keep your eye on Jungle Boy, AEW are still hot on him for good reason, this’ll be a huge scalping for Jurassic Express if they pull it off.

Broken Rules - A tough one, but I’m gonna stick with the Multifarious Matt Hardy. I don’t think he wants to end his career just yet and AEW would be foolish to let him go. Plus technically Sami is 2-0 in this feud, so it won’t hurt Sami too much to win in Hardy’s wheelhouse.

Mimosa Mayhem - Another tough one to put down the middle, I am gonna go with Orange Cassidy though. I think Jericho wants to amend the sloppy finish Cassidy’s win had and this’ll make for good comedy to see Jericho (and maybe Hager) flailing around in Mimosa

Women’s Title - I will be happy with either winning, but my heart says Shida. Mainly because I think Britt is the one who should take it from her, their last match was a banger after all. Rosa won’t look weak though, they may even have Shida challenge for the NWA women’s title down the line.

Tag Titles - FTR. That’s it, that’s all you need to know. Hangman’s head is out of the game and Kenny is becoming the Cleaner, it’s time for this schism to start properly, they’ve held it for about a year as well, it’s time.

World Title (Moxley cannot use Paradigm Shift) - It’s easy to say MJF, he is the home breed future and Moxley has had a long run defeating tougher opponents, but I am thinking that Moxley will retain. This is mainly because the odds are so stacked against him, he’ll eke out a win despite MJF’s trickery. The challenger will look fantastic to prove that he will be champion some day, but not today. Instead I think MJF will be thwarted by miscommunication, and as he hinted at during his tag match with Jurassic Express, will split from Wardlow for his ‘fatal error’. Then we’ll get Moxley vs Kingston which can be just as fantastic.

Looking to the Future So ‘looking to the future’ is not gonna all be direct consequences of All Out, some of it is just stuff I’d like to see happen, not all of it has to and my enjoyment isn’t killed from it, but certain things would make AEW better in my opinion. Business Relations So of course it’d be great to have more working relationships with other brands, AEW is already close to OWE and AAA, getting NWA on board would be a good step to establishing good relationships with ROH as well, maybe even NJPW. On the women’s side it’d be nice if they made more solid ties with Cyberfight - which has DDT Pro, TJPW and NOAH, maybe even Stardom, Sendai Girls, EVE and Ice Ribbon. More relationships would offer wrestlers not working Dynamite or Dark to perhaps represent elsewhere. In this representing it’d be great to see more outside titles being shown, it’s free advertising really. Thunder Rosa will for sure be carrying her NWA Women’s title but wouldn’t it be cool if other brand titles could be carried; Kenny carrying his AAA title with the tag titles, Cardona his Internet title, Lucha Bros their HOG and AAA Tag titles, Big Swole her Phoenix of Rise title, Moxley his NJPW US title (though I expect him to lose to KENTA soon), Rosa’s TJPW International Princess title as well and Yuka Sakazaki’s TJPW Princess of Princess Title. It may be me but seeing these titles does add an air of legitimacy to the competitors, showing how successful they are overseas while promoting other promotions. I’d also like to pitch a ‘Locked Down’ mini show or segment where AEW could show what their international talent is doing, Emi Sakura’s ChocoPro could be a light hearted segment, PAC could do some solid promos and like showing the titles, it’d expose the roster as talented. New Signings Someone just has to do good to have people ask for AEW to sign them, but in some cases it would be cool to sign them up. Of the frequent flyers right now AEW would be mad not to sign Ivelisse and Diamante, and I’ve already expressed my hopes that they sign Will Hobbs, Serpentico, Shawn Dean, Brian Pillman Jr, Kilynn King, Tay Conti, Veda Scott, Nicole Savoy/Lil’ Swole and Pineapple Pete, but it’d also be good business to at least call up Renee Paquette/Good/Young and Mauro Ranallo, even if it is for some guest appearances. Signing the likes of Danhausen, Warhorse, ‘Speedball’ Mike Bailey, Millie McKenzie, Laura Di Matteo, Lana Austin, Jamie Hayter, Chris Brookes, Maki Itoh, Miyu Yamashita, Mirio (if he wants to come back into wrestling) and AR Fox. This being said, this should only ease into the Second Show, where we can expose more of the current roster as well. Speaking of Which. (A Few) New Accolades With a bigger division will require more competition. Not all of them need to be titles but something to be fought for. MJF’s Diamond Ring and Cage’s FTW title can help in that matter, but I think a Trios Accolade would be next in line for AEW. This would open the door for more teams to compete; The Elite, Jurassic Express, Best Friends, SCU, Dark Order, Nightmare Family, Death Triangle etc. would still keep it competitive and open the door for more stories of faction warfare. Since this is only my thoughts I would love to see the tag division be intergender too but I wouldn’t hold my breath on that. If we do move to this though PLEASE use whoever designed the world and tag belt, not the TNT belt. Faction Bolstering AEW are looking at the NJPW formula or big factions going into war or tensions with one another, which is good since it does make for lines to be written in the sand. But I think the factions can just be a little bit bigger in some places, and some are easy to add in already. Conti joins Dark Order for 2 women there, have Ivelisse and Diamante join the Inner Circle so we have full LAX (plus Ivelisse tagged with Sammy in LU), Statlander can pair with Best Friends and renew BTE’s skits of her and Orange Cassidy’s palpable sexual tension, I would also enjoy the thought of TH2 joining with Kip and Penelope just to be a faction of talented arseholes. May be the crass side of me, but I also seem to want Brian Pillman Jr to join the Gunn Club simply so we can have an entrance theme that starts ‘Someone call 911, Pillman’s got a Gunn’, Vickie Guerrero could grow her managing of Nyla to an all women ‘Las Guerreras’ faction maybe with Kilynn King, Shaul Guerrero, Abadon or someone else would be a decent move in my books but an exciting faction I can see clearly is a Moxley faction with Darby Allin and Lance Archer. Imagine having Jake the Snake taking care of all that, oh yes is that the good stuff. Future Feuds We’ll end with talking about some feuds I hope to see down the line too, even if they’re not set up already. I’ve already expressed my want for Kingston vs Moxley but another Kingston feud I see in the making is against PAC, Kingston is the man with the plan but PAC will want his Death Triangle buddies back. Speaking of, Moxley could use some bangers with Fenix and Pentagon, both are megastars. While the tag division is looking like it’ll lead to FTR vs Bucks, I think the bigger money is FTR vs Bucks vs Hangman and Kenny first, with Kenny having the Elite ties and Hangman with the FTR ties the storytelling would be ridiculously immense. This thought almost made me pick Hangman and Kenny to win at All Out...almost. I would expect a lot of title defenses from Mr. Brodie Lee, particularly from Cardona but I’d love it if Jungle Boy was the one to win it from him, and for JB to face Sammy Guevara, of the 4 Young Prospects of AEW I don’t think Sammy and JB have gone 1-on-1, could be wrong but Sammy usually went for Darby and JB to MJF, Fénix vs JB would be excellent also. Luchasaurus is also due his hoss match with the Butcher, as well as further conflict with Cage and Archer Also I’d like Shida vs Conti, both are very martial arts-like in their wrestling especially the latter so it would be a good physical match. But yeah, that’s out of my system for now, we’ve talked some good, some bad and some middle, don’t think it matters to anyone but I’ve said my piece Bring on All Out!

[tgai-spock]

A sharp intake

Chapter 9

It smelt like swimming pools, packed and empty at the time, the air conditioning the was the only thing keeping things together. Spock stood beside the captains chair, unbeknown to him much like his older self did.

“Are you just….gazing at the stars?” Jim asks his chin resting on his hand as he stared intensely at him, like a fool might stare at a kitten.

“What else would I do?” Spock asked.

“Oh I don’t know” he said, deciding that this was what Spock did most of the time. He always thought he was thinking, doing some math or some science - but maybe not, maybe he really was just staring out the window. Chekov looked over the back of his shoulder and scratched his head, a paranoid itch going down his arm.

“Don’t you have hobbies? Something you can be doing? Reading maybe?” Chekov suggested. 

“I’ve tried to read.” Spock said.

“What do you read, history?” Uhura asked.

“Terran classics, ‘Lord of the rings’, ;Alice in wonderland’ ’50 shades of grey’ ‘Jurassic park’. Although I was somewhat prompted to read jurassic park…”

“I’ve got a few classics you might like” Kirk suggested.

“No thanks. Everytime I open a book and begin reading them I remember I’ve already read them.” Spock said.

“Oh. So what are you going to do with your time then?”

Spock shrugged “I dunno.”

Kirk grinned his cheeks raising to his eyes “well I’m sure we’ll find something for you. It won’t do to have you stand here all the time, though I don’t mind, I think Chekov does.”

“Sir, please” Chekov said turning in his chair “I am just nervous, when Spock is older he will recount Thursday, and he will say chekov, you hit the button to slowly, chekov you tapped your foot too much, Chekov you’ve were navigating us in the wrong direction and corrected without telling anyone in hope no one would notice, chekov your uniform is crinkled when you sit on it.”

“Hmm” Captain Kirk nodded “Sulu are we on the right course?”

“Errrr” Sulu said, his eyes spinning from the Chekov to the Captain, he hits a few buttons on the console “of course, Sir.”

“You two aren’t filling me with confidence today.”

“It is like examiners day, I will loose points because I sweat” Chekov said.

“Hmmm” Kirk said. 

“I could give you some books to read. They wouldn’t be classics, but they would be written in this decade. It’s logical to read them because you can see how modern humans talk and interact with eachother, and compare the changing of the genres.”

“I suppose” Spock nodded.

“Or you could just read them because they’re fun” Chekov said.

“No. I need a purpose to read them.” Spock said firmly

“Oh? And what purpose did you have to read lord of the rings?” Kirk asked.

“History.” Spock said. Sulu glanced back to Spock and then to Chekov.

“That was my favourite time in history” Sulu said.

“Yes I was fond of the orcs” Chekov said.

“I feel like a hobbit myself.” Sulu said.

“It’s a shame they went extinct.” Chekov said and Sulu giggled.

“Mr Spock, perhaps you are related to Legolass.” Chekov suggested.

“Captain. These men are idiots. This is a new level of illogic I have not seen before, and I find myself unsure whether this ship will survive for twenty eight days in space.”

“Spock, don’t be mean, not everyone knows their books as well as me, or you apparently, nerd.” Kirk said light heartedly.

“What?” Spock asked sharply.

“Would you like to educate Sulu and Checkov on why ‘Lord Of The Rings’ is historic?” Kirk suggested.

“Lord Of The Rings is symbolism for the second world war.” Spock said.

“Oh” Sulu rolled his eyes “good guys vs bad guys, I guess I should have seen that coming “isn’t… that every war to someone?”

“I love reading for symbolism.” Chekov joked.

“I do read symbolism in books” Kirk said offended “thats enough talking I’m sure you should be paying more attention to the ship.”

Chekov gave a hearty chuckle “of course Sir.”

Kirk spoke to Spock quietly after that. Quiet whispers about ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and favourite characters. 

“Captain” Officer Finnegan said approaching him from the lift with a paid “is it wise to have Commander Spock? He is a child.”

“He’s not working as the Commander right now” Kirk said with a smile.

“I don’t think the bridge is the safest place for a vulcan.” Finnegan said his eyes glancing over the tiny vulcan.

“Finnegan” Kirk said sitting up “it’s a quiet day, it is perfectly safe for him to be here.”

“I don’t think it is-”

“I will leave then.” Spock said taking a step back from the captain.

“Spock you don’t need to do that.” Kirk said “Finnegan who the fuck even are you? God this writers so lazy summoning up villains just to move the plot on, and make you say oof.”

“It’s fine. I’m well adapted to telling when I’m not wanted, I’m sure I can find something else to do.” Spock said and turned on his foot, walking past Finnegan with a breeze that even with his small height seemed intimidating.

“Spock come back. Come on” Kirk called.

“No” Spock said almost huffed as he entered the lift.

Spock was an adventurer. In the days before he’d go to the mountains, to walk deep into the desert finding what he could to survive with I-Chaya in tow. Today he wandered the halls of a starship. He started where he would always begin, at the bottom of the mountain. So the lift took him to the bottom of the ship.

He snuck out the lift into a hallway of pipes, where his ears stung from loud shouting humans. No one noticed him as he stayed close the side of the walls. The crew in engineering was different from anywhere else on the ship. Hands on and intelligent thinkers, tinkers and inventors, it was officially professional work, but the lack of professionalism they had would not be seen nor put up with else where on the ship.

Knowing that if he were spotted he would be made to leave, Spock ran and crouched, hiding behind pipes and boxes. Some meters from him Spock spotted a group of humans leaning over an upside down box that they were using like a table. They were smoking, and fans drifted the fumes away from themselves. A red shirt leant with cigarette in hand as he looked bright eyed at the other four around him.

“So I said to him, maybe if you had the surgery on your eyes and not you dick, we wouldn’t even be having this problem.”

His sentence ended with hearty laughter from the others, the sense of the joke, the story, a glimpse of documentation escaping the sense of Spock. 

There were boxes piled high in the corner of the room. There were boxes piled high in most places, but the pile in the corner caught Spock’s eyes. The boxes left little more than a meter between themselves and the roof, but on the roof, was a vent. Perfect to climb into. Dangerous to climb into. The perfect challenge. So Spock ducked and rolled to the boxes, and began his climb. He did it slowly and he did it carefully but that wasn’t the hard part. Spock laid flat on the top of the boxes, he had perfect sight over the people. Groups and couples that walked, carrying tools and scanners, tapping at pipes and - Spock squinted. One man was placing duct tape around a leaking water pipe. Spock sighed shaking his head. He should probably mention how bad that is - when he’s older. That can’t be proper procedure. When he was certain no one was looking Spock began to undo the screw’s from the vent by twisting them with his hand. When all the screws were undone he carefully and quietly pulled down the vent grid and put it on top of the boxes. He climbed into the vent.

No matter how quietly Spock tried to crawl he was sure he was making a racket. He was sure every time he moved his arm forwards the metal clinked and banged. He was sure a knee forwards sent a shuddering though the whole of the ship. After spending ten minutes slowly climbing forwards Spock rolled on to his back and rubbed at his head. He was sure when he came out where-ever that be, there would be a group of people waiting to question him. To ask him what he thought he was doing. Why he had opened the vent. What the purpose of doing so was. This was why Spock had stopped. What was his explanation? He had not words he could say to those people. To the Captain, to McCoy. After a while, Spock rolled back around and made his way forth deciding to keep a vow of silence when they found him, because they would. He was certain.

The vent ended at a grid looking in to a dark room. It wasn’t fully dark, there were large windows that looked out in to space, and space lit his way. It took a while for Spock to realise why he couldn’t see anything in the room. There was nothing in the room. Spock slipped his fingers through the holes of the vent to unscrew it. But his fingers, from this side, weren’t long enough. He was stuck. He took a deep breath, and carefully turned himself around. Laying on his back with his feet facing the vent he gave it a few solid kicks. At the fifth kick the vent flew off the wall. Spock escaped. Walking over to the vent Spock picked it up. The screws were still firmly attached to the vent as was a small portion of the wall around the screws. Sighing Spock stood on the middle of the vent attempting to straighten out the mess he had made. The vent actually straightened enough to be passable so he carefully balanced it back on the wall. He took a few steps back examining the vent carefully. No one should notice unless they got close.

The room he had discovered was dark, and empty. It was some sort of unused, perhaps even forgotten observation deck. Could things be forgotten on a spaceship? The door showed the most sign of life, and that door had spider cobwebs across it. How? They must have sneaked on by sitting on someones shoulder. There was also a bench against it and some other planks of wood. The entire place was empty. There were other vents but they didn’t really take Spock’s attention. Spock walked up to the window and sat staring cross legged out across the stars. He wasn’t sure what he would be doing for the next few days, but at least he had found this. He laid down on his side, one elbow beneath his head. It wasn’t quiet, wherever he was, he was too close to the engine room still. But it wasn’t a horrible racket he could hear, it was just a gentle purr.

Spock woke some time later, and he turned over on his other side as he watched the door shake. A crowbar shot through the centre of the door. Spock sat crossed legged silently watching the feat as fingers slipped between the door pulling it opened. There stood the Captain, McCoy, Finnegan and Uhura.

“Spock!” McCoy was the first to push himself through he door “what are you doing here?”

He ran forth, making Spock flinch slightly as he ran a scanner over Spock. Spock looked carefully at McCoy wondering if he should keep his vow of silence as the Captain rushed over.

“Is he okay?” Kirk asked crouching.

“According to this he is perfectly fine.” McCoy said standing up.

“Spock, what are you doing here?” Uhura asked concernedly.

“I didn’t even know this room existed. On my ship as well.” Kirk said looking around the room.

“Was it because of Finnegan?” Uhura whispered.

“Yeah Spock” Finnegan said in a carefree attitude “I’m sorry if like I upset.”

“I’m vulcan. You did not upset me.” Spock said standing up, as he decided he didn’t like the attention he was getting. He literally hadn’t spared a second thought to Finnegan.

“Wait, Spock where do you think you’re going?” Uhura asked “you can’t just go off by yourself.”

“Spock, I thought you had gone back to McCoy, do you realise what the ships been like since we discovered you missing? This past hour has been chaos looking for you.” Kirk said. Spock looked at the people surrounding him. His way was thoroughly blocked. The vent Spock had propped up fell on to the floor with a bang, cascading dust surrounded it as the humans jumped to look at it. They turned back to Spock, looking for an explanation as he finished a yawn.

“Oops?”

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2]        [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4]        [Chapter 5]

[Chapter 6]     [Chapter 7]       [Chapter 8]   [chapter 9]   [Chapter 10]

[Chapter 12]

----

Yeah I did just rewrite chapter 9 again, but consider this, now, it is better. Huh? Huh??

[everymovie2020]

Dante’s Peak (1997)

Date watched:  24 May 2019

I was going to do a whole disaster movie themed weekend but in the end I only watched four of them (and all ones I'd seen before).  So over the next few weeks there might be some disaster movie discussion as I make my way through my extensive list of the greatest disaster movies of all time (although, on the Vulture list of the greatest disaster movies of all time, it does not include Twister, like… I'm sorry, but is that masterpiece not considered a disaster film?).

I decided to start with Dante's Peak and pair that with Volcano, as they were both released in 1997.  I do not own DP and haven't seen it since… the 90s?  Maybe?  If not the 90s, then the early 2000s.  And because I wanted to watch it – I was determined to watch it on Friday night – and my usual source of movies for free yielded me nothing, I actually rented it through YouTube and I've gotta say, in a pinch – not bad!  Yeah, it cost me $4 but the quality was great and I was able to watch the movie I specifically wanted to watch that night.

Anyway, let's get into the nonstop thrill ride that is Dante's Peak, starring Pierce Brosnan, Linda Hamilton and literally nobody else notable!

Plot:

Pierce Brosnan is the best volcanologist in the biz.  He works for… Geology USA! (I forget the official title so I'm giving it a jazzy new one) as a dude who goes out and investigates volcanoes, so, literally, a volcanologist.

Anyway they get a report about this supposedly dormant volcano Dante's Peak, which overlooks the town of… Dante's Peak.  And I want to say this is in upstate Washington perhaps? But honestly, I'm not really sure. Could be Oregon.  One of those north-western states.  Green, lush, picturesque, mountainous, complete with a quaint, small American town where everything is about to go to FUCKING SHIT.

So Pierce rocks up into town and Linda Hamilton is like, "Tear me off a piece of that," and I'm like, "Get it girl."

She's the town mayor so she takes him on a sightseeing tour, complete with her two obnoxious children, and they go up to meet her ex-mother-in-law who actually lives on the mountain.  It's up there that they decide to go for a swim when they find two people who have been goddamn boiled to death in a volcanic hot spring.

Honestly, the scene of those two poor bastards boiling to death is really the only thing seared into my memory of this movie. When I think of this movie, I think about those two experiencing one of the worst deaths of all time, and I know they're not real but people have died that way and it would suck so hard.

Anyway, Pierce is like, "There's something wrong with your mountain, let's call a town meeting.” So they have this meeting and the townspeople are like, "are you guys fuckin' serious," and then Pierce's boss rolls in all, "all right guys I feel like James Bond has gotten a little too carried away on this one," and Pierce is like, "well I do NOT agree so I will hang around town to prove that I am right and you are wrong (and also to bang Linda Hamilton)".

Then… what the fuck happens?  I watched it five days ago and I'm blanking, because all the ridiculous stuff happens towards the end and the first two-thirds of the movie are pretty boring.

Okay, so the boss dude who doesn't believe Pierce is like, "this volcano ain't doin' shit, we're packing up and leaving," and Pierce is very, very mad about this but happy enough to flirt with Linda Hamilton, and that's when they discover that the town water has turned to sludge.

WELL.  Pierce is HOPPING MAD at this point, let me tell you, because god damn it he was RIGHT and everyone else was WRONG.

So they call a town meeting and they're like, "Listen guys, the volcano is about to fuck yo shit up," and the townspeople are like, "Our volcano is dormant, that means it's DEAD, that means NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN," and Pierce is like, "Guys, seriously," and THEN there's a massive earthquake because TIMING IS EVERYTHING.

There's a bit of a stampede, and everyone runs out to the front of the town hall/high school (wherever it was they were having the meeting), and sure enough, Dante's fuckin' Peak is blowing up like a mother-fucker.  The townspeople immediately descend into PANICCCCC and start piling into their cars to try to escape, meanwhile there's a huge earthquake going on, buildings are falling down, shit is descending into madness and then Linda Hamilton is all, "I left the kids at home.  Gonna need to get the kids."

So Pierce is like RIGHT LET'S GET THE KIDS, and then of course it's chaos on the roads, and shit is collapsing – I mean, things are deteriorating – and of course when they get to the house the kids aren't there.  Why? They went to rescue Grandma up on the mountain because she was too stubborn to leave.

And like, this is the most realistic thing, because often in disasters people ARE too stubborn to leave, but like… fuck that.  I'll be taking my cats and noping THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, thank you very much.  Honestly, if I was living in this town, I would've left the second the geologists turned up.  Ain't no volcano is gonna get me.

So they're driving up this mountain, and the earthquake is still happening, and the volcano is still erupting, and then they make it through just as half of the mountain collapses behind them, but there's Grandma's house, still bloody standing (of course, everything else is collapsing but not Grandma's house, and the kids have made it there totally unscathed – like sure, okay, sure a volcano is going off and this fucking 12 year old drove a truck up the mountain during a massive earthquake but sure, okay, they're fine.  So they reunite but then, what's this?  FUCKING LAVA.

Fucking lava, flowing down the mountain like a motherfucker. And the road is cut, so they can't get out that way, and they don't have a car, but they do have a boat and a lake, so they pile into the boat and start across the lake.  But what's this?  The fucking lake is ACID.

It's basically a game of what can go wrong will go wrong at this point.

So the boat is taking on acid water, and they're trying not to burn themselves, but they're getting closer to the dock on the other side of the lake and the propeller disintegrates.  And then Grandma, who SINGLEHANDEDLY GOT THEM ALL INTO THIS MESS – yes Grandma I'M READING YOU TO FILTH – gets out and drags the boat ashore, burning the fuck out of herself in the process.

Because ACID.

I mean like, they probably could've made it without her doing that?  They really didn't have far to go.

Can I just say, at this point – if Pierce Brosnan had not come to this town, literally all of these people would've died horrible volcanic deaths.

Then they've got to walk down the mountain – the lava stopped at the lake, I guess? – and Grandma dies, and then they find a truck which Pierce hotwires – he's amazing – and they're tootling down the hill when all of a sudden LAVA.  FUCKIN' LAVA AGAIN.

You'd think this volcano was erupting or something with all this fuckin' lava, I mean, I don't know.

And then, in possibly the most ridiculous part of the movie, PIERCE BROSNAN DRIVES HIS TRUCK THROUGH THE LAVA AND ALSO RESCUES A DOG WHILST DOING SO.

I MEAN.

Guys.

Like.

It's lava.  It'll fuck your shit up.  THERE IS NO WAY THE CAR WOULDN'T FUCKING MELT INTO THE FUCKING LAVA.  THAT THE WHEELS WOULD KEEP TURNING.  THERE IS NO WAY.  LAVA IS VERY HOT.

If there's one thing I know about lava, it's that it's VERY HOT.  And sure, it burns the tyres off and they're driving on rims, but like, IT STILL MELTS METAL THOUGH?  Because it's VERY HOT.

ANY-WAY.  I had a problem with this during the worst movie I have ever seen (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, seriously, JW:FK, go fuck yourself to death), and I have a problem now with Dante's Peak not representing lava accurately.

MEANWHILE back at the town the Geology USA team is making their escape across the bridge – apparently there's only one way in and out of this town?  Seems like a mistake – and of course, all of this sludge and trees and chaos is descending from the mountain because all of the snow is melting, there are landslides, etc etc.

So they're driving across the bridge in a convoy and the first two trucks make it across but not the van holding the boss dude from the start – remember the guy that was totally fucking wrong about the volcano? HIM – because the bridge starts breaking apart.  And then he just sits in the van, and they're all like, "OH NO," and I'm like, "GET OUT AND JUMP!!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" and THEN he gets out but by then it's too late because the bridge flips over and he dies.

LIKE.

WHY NOT TAKE TWO CARS, GUYS?

It's quite frustrating when these deaths could have been avoided by simply taking less cars.

Anyway, Pierce, Linda, the kids and the dog have made it back into the town, but the volcano is going to hardcore blow its load any minute. They stop to grab this radio thing and of course then the volcano is like "FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKK" (this volcano is big on TIMING, okay) and unleashes almighty hell, and then they've got to drive their beat up, tyre-less piece of shit truck into a mine shaft for safety, and then Pierce forgets the fucking radio thing so he has to go BACK, but the mine shaft collapses, yada yadayada, and then they're rescued.

In summation, they would've died a bunch of times in this movie, but honestly, even driving into a mine shaft wouldn't save you from a pyroclastic flow – I mean, MAYBE it would?  But I don't think it would.  They weren't that deep inside.  I just don't know.

Look, it's… okay.  Personally, I think Volcano is the superior movie.  DP is possibly a touch more realistic (setting aside the lava driving)?  It is based on the St Helens' volcano, though I think the DP version is sped up in terms of shit going from normal to catastrophic.

I mean, the thing that gets me is the lava, like, guys, like… it's super hot.  I just feel like lava has been misrepresented in certain movies as not being hot, but it is though.  IT IS SO HOT. I just don't believe you could drive a car through it.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe there's a Mythbusters episode.  I don't know.

Seriously though, the Wikipedia page for the eruption of Mt St Helens is totally worth a read.  Volcanoes are FUCKING SCARY.

[fallen-imagine-angel]

Through Thick and Thin (Owen Grady x Reader)

Notes: Here you go, @ashann7 ! It ended up a bit longer than I originally intended for it to be, but that’s only because I got carried away in the story, haha. Anyway, I hope you and everyone else enjoys reading this as much as I loved writing it! And requests for Owen Grady (and others) are still open!

Summary: Read the Request! :)

Through Thick and Thin

Owen Grady x Reader

Requested?: Yes, “Owen Grady x Reader. she also used to work at the park as a trainer for a dino of your choosing. She and Owen had hooked up in the past but she always said it was just sex as the dino was enough commitment. When Owen lands on the island to try and save the dinosaurs, he sees her already there, working to help as many as possible. then all the movie drama unfolds and they finally get together. Shes totally brave and badass, maybe with a scar from the Indominous Rex incident, but extremely caring”

Word Count: 3,670

Warnings: MAJOR Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom spoilers!!

“Zahra, c’mere baby girl!” You coo, walking into the Carnotaurus habitat. She’s the only dinosaur you take care of, considering how much of a handful she could be at times.

A few moments later, your baby Carnotaurus bounds out of the vast forest she’s allowed in her habitat. She quickly goes to your side and nuzzles your leg. Unlike any other Carnotaurus the park had ever seen, Zahra seemed to exhibit many of the traits Blue does. Affection, emotion, care. She wasn’t ruthless like most of the dinosaurs, especially the carnivores could be. That’s why you love her.

Making a guttural noise at the back of her throat, she nudges your leg lightly, asking for food. You quickly laugh and grab the bucket on your other side, throwing a piece of raw meat into the forest. She runs after it and returns to you minutes later. You smile and feed her the rest of the bucket before starting her training, your favorite part.

~+~

After her training, you give her a quick goodbye and head over to the Velociraptor paddock. You had a meeting with Owen Grady soon about the behaviorisms of Blue and Zahra, who are close to the same age.

“(Y/n).” Owen nods curtly in your direction.

“Owen.” You greet him, looking over at the raptors who are looking at you curiously through their containment. You walk over to Blue and stroke her head, enjoying the happy clicking noises she makes when you do so.

“She seems to like you, and so do the others, considering none of them have lunged at your arm yet. That’s dangerous, you know that, right? They’re still carnivorous animals, even though they’re my babies.” Owen murmurs and you laugh.

“I’m very aware of that, Mr. Grady. However, I trust these animals just like I trust Zahra, and they know that. There’s a level of respect there.” You sigh, smiling at Blue and retracting your hand from the cage, earning a click of disappointment from her.

“Mr. Grady? Really, (Y/n)? I thought we were past the formalities by now. After all, we do have quite the...relationship...going.” Owen winks at you, but you just roll your eyes.

“As far as I’m concerned, Owen, our ‘relationship’ you speak of has been nothing more than the occasional hookup. That is all.” You scoff, crossing your arms at the raptor trainer. He gives you his signature smirk, mimicking your arms and crossing his.

“Really, darling? Because I swear...there was something more last time.” He grins devilishly at you, leaning in slightly.

“Then you’re imagining things because there wasn’t. I have enough on my hands already, since I’m taking care of a possibly dangerous carnivorous dinosaur. You should focus on your work, too.” You narrow your eyes at him and spin around on your heel, not giving him the satisfaction of getting to your head. No, Owen Grady meant nothing to you besides a co-worker. At least, that’s what you thought.

~+~

It had been three agonizing years since you had seen Owen Grady the day you had reached the states again. After the Indominus Rex incident, you had cut off contact from everything that linked you to the dinosaurs. Owen tried contacting you, sure, but you were determined not to see him again. Or any of them, for that matter. You wanted to leave your past behind you and focus on a new life. One without flesh-eating dinosaurs or any other remotely harmful animal.

No matter how much you hated that life, though, the thought of Zahra dying kept popping into your head whenever you saw the island on the brink of being destroyed. It always made you think of how you had nurtured her when she was a baby, trained her when she was no more than a kid, and ultimately had to leave her when she was an adult. She had never made a move to attack you, no matter how vulnerable you had tried making yourself to her. She trusted you, and you trusted her. And now you had that bond with no one anymore. No human or animal ever imprinted on you like that since Zahra did. Perhaps none ever would.

You feel your back pocket vibrate and you take out your phone to see an unknown number calling you.

“Hello?” You answer your phone, confused.

“Is this Miss (Y/l/n)?” The man on the other end asks.

“It is. May I ask who you are?” You hum, trying to figure out why this man is calling you.

“My name is Eli Mills, I’m from the Lockwood Estate, and I’m calling you concerning the...situation on Isla Nublar. We want...no, we need your help.” The man tells you.

“Help with what?” You hiss. You immediately wanted nothing to do with this, yet you still remained on the phone.

“Taking care of the dinosaurs, patching them up, and of course, helping capture the only living Carnotaurus left. Zahra. The one you trained and took care of. She’s alive and we want to bring her to a safe haven and let her live a happy life. Please, we need you to be there as soon as possible.” Mills informs you. You think it over quickly.

“I’ll do it. Anything for my Zahra.” You whisper that last part to yourself. You can’t just let her die on that island. Not if you can do anything about it.

“Great! We’ll have a plane ready in an hour. I’ll text you the address. See you then!” And with that, he hangs up. You sigh.

What had you just gotten yourself into?

~+~

An hour later, just as promised, you got a text with coordinates to where the plane is located. You grab your bags and make your way there, boarding the plane, and getting out of the states.

A few hours after that, you’re landing on Isla Nublar. You see multiple dinosaurs around getting treated to their burn wounds or bullet wounds, as some of the idiotic men with guns had shot a couple of them.

As soon as your foot touched land, though, you were whisked away to an armored car where more idiotic men with guns were waiting for you.

“Can I help you?” You ask, feigning boredom. In reality, this situation was far from boring, but you don’t really want to talk to them that much. You just want to see Zahra.

“Yes, actually, you can. We’re going to see the Carnotaurus right now and we need your help to capture her. She seems insistent on eating any of our men that we send to get her.” A man fills you in. You nod curtly and stay silent the entire ride to Zahra.

When you arrive, you quickly hop out of the doors and run to the large chunk of forest. You whistle sharply and replay the words you had said so many years ago.

“Zahra, c’mere baby girl!” You coo as you hear large footsteps echo and trees shake. There your Zahra, in her full glory, emerges from the forest and lets out a roar. You smile as you see her, but get ready to run just in case.

“Zahra, it’s me girl. You know me. It’s momma.” You use your tongue to click, holding out your arm to her. She looks you over quickly before completely bypassing your hand, nuzzling her snout against your body. You smile and pet her snout, nodding. You had missed her, as much as you hate saying it. She’s your girl. But you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Get her!” You hear a shout behind you, and you whirl around, eyes blazing like a fire.

“Stand down!” You scream, and all attention snaps to you. The men don’t know what to do but ultimately listen to you, because no one makes a move to hurt Zahra.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” The man in charge snarls at you. He’s more of an animal than Zahra is, you think to yourself.

“Saving Zahra from harm. Hand me a couple of sedatives, she trusts me and I don’t want to break that trust. I can sedate her myself. I gave her shots when she was younger, this isn’t much different.” You hiss at him, grabbing a couple of the sedatives from him and walking over to Zahra. You murmur sweet things to her as you jab one into her thick skin and she grunts in mild discomfort.

“It’s okay, baby.” You mutter, giving the second one to her. She falls asleep, large head in your lap. You chuckle.

“Get the dinosaur out of here.” The man grunts and you smile sweetly at him.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” You grin mockingly at him.

“Whatever. Let’s get back to camp.” He rolls his eyes and you follow him back to camp.

~+~

Once you’re back at camp, you tend to Zahra as she’s sleeping, making sure she’s in good health. She is.

Although, after a few hours of being in the camp, you get called out again. To capture another dinosaur.

“Why do you need me this time?” You groan, walking out of your tent and coming face to face with the man from earlier, two people you don’t recognize, and two people you never thought you’d ever see again.

“(Y/n).” Your name leaves Owen’s lips, and you’re pulled out of your stare by the man in charge barking orders at some of his men. You clear your throat and look down.

“Owen. Claire.” You nod and look anywhere but them.

“Why didn’t you answer any of my calls? My texts? Any form of communication I tried?” Owen questions you, stepping towards you. You take a step back.

“Because I wanted nothing to do with dinosaurs anymore.” You tell him the truth.

“Then what are you doing back here?” Claire asks, also shocked to see you. You give her a sheepish smile.

“They told me Zahra is still alive and I couldn’t turn down saving her.” You shrug.

“You four, come with me. We’re going to get that velociraptor.” The man grunts and you glare at him.

“Blue.” You and Owen correct the man at the same time. You share a glance with him but immediately look at the ground again. Why are you acting this way? You have no idea. Perhaps it’s because you’ve had unknown, denied feelings for him this entire time and you didn’t realize it until now, three years after not seeing him? Yeah, that’s probably it.

You, Claire, Owen, and the two new people (whose names you learned were Zia and Franklin) get into another armored car and take off towards Blue. The truck stops and you and Owen get out, walking the rest of the way on foot. You don’t say anything to each other while it’s just the two of you, probably because you know it’s not really just the two of you. The others were probably listening in somehow.

Once you reach a small enclosure, you see the rustling of bushes in one of the old Jurassic Park cars. You tap Owen’s shoulder, pointing at it. He nods and gets closer to it, holding his hand slightly outward from his body. You notice that he can’t help but move protectively in front of you, but you don’t fight it. You knew Blue a long time ago, but there’s no telling how she’ll react to you now. Not after three years.

A few small dinosaurs leap from the bushes, running off to who knows where in the forest. You press a hand over your heart, not knowing whether it’s being close to Owen again or possibly getting eaten alive soon. Maybe both, now that you think about it.

Then, suddenly, Blue has jumped on the old car and is roaring in your faces. You square your shoulders behind Owen, hoping that Blue sees Owen and recognizes him as her alpha instead of her food. Otherwise, you knew she’d eat you, too. But you didn’t let that deter you. Blue is a beautiful creature and deserves to be treated as such.

“Being brave back there, (Y/n)?” Owen glances back at you and gives you a smirk. He’s always tried to make you smile in even the darkest of situations.

“Like always.” You give him a small smile back, then turn your eyes to focus on Blue again. She eyes the two of you warily as you stand.

“Hey, girl, you miss me?” Owen asks Blue, raising his hand in front of him like he used to. Blue jumps off the car and slowly stalks toward the two of you, making Owen back up.

“Easy, hey! Hey...” Owen snaps at her, gaining her attention.

“She’s going to kill us.” You whisper, and Owen sighs at you.

“She’s not going to kill us,” he shakes his head and reaches into his pocket, redirecting his attention to Blue again, “I brought you something…That’s right...” He pulls out a piece of meat and tosses it to her. It bounces off her snout and falls to the ground. She growls in the back of her throat.

“Okay..” You roll your eyes, stepping to the side of Owen instead of being behind him. Blue’s eyes dart to you for a split second but you keep your composure, showing her your authority.

“You know me. Eyes on me.” Owen commands her, using his clicker that you didn’t even know he still had.

Blue’s about to nuzzle into his hand when there’s a sudden movement and something hits her neck. She screeches and thrashes around, causing her tail to trip both you and Owen. You land on top of him, faces inches apart.

“Hey there, (Y/n). Never knew you still liked me like that.” Owen winks from under you and you feel the heat rise to your cheeks. You scramble to get off of him.

“Oh, shut up, Grady. That was an accident and you know it.” You huff, crossing your arms.

Multiple men with guns come out from the forest and Owen gets upset.

“I told you to wait for my signal! Back your men up right now!” He shouts at them, and you set a calming hand on his shoulder. You were upset, too, but you had a far better way of controlling it.

“Owen…” You murmur comfortingly, keeping your hand on his shoulder. He glances at you and his anger melts away, but you can tell he’s still upset at the men.

Suddenly, Blue lunges at something behind you and Owen pulls you out of her line of fire. You see Blue tackle a man that was holding a gun to her and you see blood. Lots of it. Then, there’s another sedative shot at Blue, and you start to get upset just like Owen. You see the man being attacked draw his gun.

“No, no, no! Don’t shoot her!” The man in charge shouts at his man. You gasp as the man completely disobeys, shooting Blue. You run over to her, taking off your jacket as quickly as you can and pressing it down on the wound, applying a steady amount of pressure. You feel the fresh air hit your back and expose your scar. A scar from three years ago that would never let you forget its presence.

You hear Owen say something behind you, causing you to look back, only to see him get shot with a sedative, too. You scream, accidentally leaving Blue’s side in the process and going to Owen. You see Zia return to the position you were in, pressing down on the bullet wound Blue had gotten.

You feel a prick in your arm and you look to see a blue dart sticking out. The world goes dark around you as you fall to the ground next to Owen.

~+~

You wake up to something wet on your face, looking up to see a Sinoceratops above you and Owen, licking your faces. You groan and move your fingers, seeing that Owen had not yet woken up. As the Sinoceratops starts to walk away, you start to feel movement in your extremities again. You see Owen open his eyes and move his fingers as you realize something else, too. There was lava approaching the two of you, and quickly.

You stand up, hooking your arms around Owen’s and dragging him until he can stand. You must have gotten a lesser dose of the sedative. He’s about to thank you when he sees the lava. Instead, he grabs your hand and the two of you start to run.

Once you break out of the forest, you see Claire and Franklin standing there.

“Run!” You scream at them. They look over at the two of you, confused.

“Run!” Owen reiterates, shooing them away. They seem to get the message as they take off down the hill, you and Owen not far behind.

Things go so quickly as the dinosaurs run off the cliff, and eventually, so do you and the rest of the team.

You watch as the water approaches quickly, grabbing Owen’s hand as he pulls you to his chest, bracing for impact. If these were your last moments, at least you’d spend them in his arms.

~+~

Later that night, it’s you, Claire, Owen, and a little girl named Maisie trying to outrun some hybrid monster that had been created specifically to kill. Just your luck, right? Right. Luckily, you had only gotten a few minor cuts along the way. Oh, and a hole in your thigh from the nail of the monster. But you’re fine. For now.

“Owen, you better not be stupid about this!” You grit your teeth as Claire aims the laser onto Owen’s torso, hitting the acoustic button and making the Indoraptor lunge at him. He rolls to the side and the animal breaks through the glass of the roof but doesn’t fall. Instead, it pulls itself up and makes you its main target.

“(Y/n)...stay still,” Owen tells you. You remain rigid, determined not to freak out and only make things worse.

Then, suddenly, Blue is tackling the Indoraptor and the two of them go tumbling into the room below. You watch as they flip through the air until, ultimately, the Indoraptor is impaled by the large Triceratops head being displayed below. You let out a breath of relief you didn’t know you were holding.

“We did it...we did it!” Claire shouts, pumping her fists in victory.

“Not quite yet but...I’ll allow the celebration.” Owen laughs and pulls you into his chest. You savor his embrace, not noticing that Claire had taken Maisie off the rooftop to “let you two have some well-deserved alone time.”

“So…” He starts, looking down at you.

“So…” You agree, not knowing what to say. You chuckle and cup his face, rubbing his cheek with your thumb.

“I’ve been meaning to ask about that scar on your back...I saw it when we were back on the island after you took your jacket off to help Blue, but I couldn’t find a time to bring it up since we were mostly running for our lives.” Owen laughs, and you see a sparkle in his eye.

“I...I got it when the Indominus Rex escaped and ruined Isla Nublar. I was with Claire’s nephews when we were jumping off the waterfall and it...it caught me, scraping its claws through my back.” You relive the memory, shuddering at the mere thought of the Indominus Rex’s claws tearing through you.

“How come I’ve never seen it before?” He asks soothingly, tracing his fingers up and down your arms.

“Because I ran away from you. From Zahra. From my life as a dinosaur trainer.” You laugh quietly to yourself, and you see Owen crack a smile.

“I just want you to know...I missed you.” He murmurs, and your breath hitches in your throat.

“For three years? You missed me?” You ask. He nods.

“I did. A lot. I’ve been thinking about you non-stop ever since that conversation we had outside the raptor paddock so long ago. I think…(Y/n), I think I’m in love with you.” Owen mutters, staring deep into your eyes, hoping that you don’t walk away from him this time.

“Owen, I think I’m in love with you, too.” You grin up at him. He seems so relieved, pulling you into a bone-crushing hug before meeting your lips with his feverishly. You wrap your arms around his neck and kiss back just as intensely.

Even though you had to deal with a blood-thirsty carnivorous dinosaur again, if it meant getting through this and finding Owen again, you would do it again. Heck, you’d do this a million times over if you always got to come back to Owen in the end. The two of you had been through thick and thin together, twice, and there was no way anyone could break that bond. Not even yourselves.

~+~+~

BONUS:

“Oh my gosh, Zahra!” You squeal with excitement as you hear a roar from below. You look down to see your Carnotaurus, quite literally, roaring with excitement as you and Owen kiss.

“I guess even she knew it was finally time.” Owen laughs.

“She’s pretty smart.” You smile down at her like a proud mother.

“She probably saw me as a possible mate three years ago, so now that she finally sees us together, she’s almost as happy as we are.” He thinks about it.

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t doubt it. Now, will you just kiss me again? I’ve gone three years without even seeing you and I’ve had to survive this entire time while seeing you without getting to touch you like...well, in a romantic way.” You start to babble, but Owen just chuckles and leans down, kissing you again. This time it was softer, more passionate, but still held the same feelings as the last one did. Now you know that no matter what you do from now on, it will always be by Owen’s side.

[petelanemoviereviews-blog1]

Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma [Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom] (1975) Review

Warning: As this has been called one of if not the most disturbing movies ever made, this review contains descriptions of extreme sexual violence and torture. For the squeamish, do not proceed past this point. It is still banned in several countries “We Fascists are the only true anarchists, naturally, once we're masters of the state. In fact, the one true anarchy is that of power.” More than lives up to being considered the most disturbing film ever made due to its relentless sadism. Despite that, it is still beautiful. Premise: Set during WWII in a Fascist occupied part of Italy, four very wealthy libertines round up/kidnap 18 pre-selected teenage boys and girls and take them to a palace. From there they subject the teenagers to 120 days of sadistic mental, physical, and sexual torture. Among those being tortured are the men’s own daughters. Loosely based on the 1785 novel ‘The 120 Days of Sodom, or the School of Libertinage’ by Marquis de Sade (the word ‘sadism’ is derived from his name) and directed by Pier Paolo Pasolini, who was murdered a few days before the release of the film, Salò is an extremely unpleasant watch, but I feel it must be seen by film lovers and intellectuals. The reason? It is a fantastic social commentary on power and greed that still applies today, 43 years later. I have a long history with this film despite recently viewing it for the first time. I remember doing a project on Fascism in eighth grade and stumbling upon stills from the film on the internet. What I saw traumatized me. I vowed never to watch it. Cut to late 2017/early 2018, I had become a person extremely obsessed with film in the 14 years hence. I had seen countless films, but those images had always stuck with me. A few years ago, I discovered that I could handle disturbing films, as from a very young age watching movies like Jaws, Jurassic Park, and other monster movies, my parents constantly assured me that what I was watching was just pretend. That’s always been in my head watching disturbing movies. But anyways, curiosity finally got the best of me and I bought the film. There was still some hesitation before watching it. As you’ve probably already figured out, this is not a film for the average moviegoer. Only those with the strongest stomachs and open minds will be able to make it all the way through. For me, there were even times where I asked myself if I should continue on or not. The novel it is based on mentioned above took place in France but Pasolini moved the location to Salò, a town on the banks of Lake Garda in northern Italy. The reason for this was that in 1945 his brother killed there in an ambush by Garibaldi partisans while serving in The Party of Action. The four libertines known as the Duke, the Magistrate, the President, and the Bishop are so wealthy, that they have done everything there is to do in the world. The only thing left is to divulge into hedonistic sadism. These men reminded me of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I’m very sure that was intended, but I will be more than willing to admit my mistake if I’m wrong. Nearly every sexual act no matter how perverse is either shown or discussed. The more intense acts shown consist of brutal rape and coprophagia. Pedophilia takes place off-screen. Along with the four libertines are four aging prostitutes who tell stories of their strange and bizarre pasts. Hearing these stories and imagining them is just… beyond words. Many of the sexual acts are seen from far away. However, that doesn’t take away from their impact. Nudity of both sexes is shown very frequently throughout but while some consider it pornographic, I don’t. It’s too horrifying to be erotic in any sense. To quote Pasolini; “The meaning of sex in my film is a metaphor for the relationship between power and its subject- to show what power does to the human body.” There’s little to no character development or depth to many of the victims. Many don’t have any lines. A few do but only because they submit to the libertines. At first, I thought this was a fault, but I discovered that this was intentional. This leads me to believe the film is from the point of view of the libertines. Calming classical music is played throughout. The tone of the film is very calm despite what is depicted on-screen. Personally, that’s what scared/bothered me the most. The film is structured liked Dante’s Inferno. The further it progresses, the more horrifying it gets. This works fantastically, and I wish more horror films would do this. It’s one of my favorite aspects of the film. It starts out relatively time but in the final sequence, it goes all out, balls to the wall shocking. The film explores how power corrupts people. It has always seemed to me that it is human nature to want to control others, to be superior to them. This is partly why the men choose teenagers, most if not all virgins. That they can totally dominate them and fulfill their darkest desires. To quote The Duke; “It is when I see others degraded that I rejoice knowing it is better to be me than the scum of ‘the people’. Whenever men are equal, without that difference, happiness cannot exist. So you wouldn't aid the humble, the unhappy. In all the world no voluptuousness flatters the senses more than social privilege.” Perhaps it is our ego, that we think we are better than others. I have spent countless hours trying to understand how someone could think that way. For me, it was very interesting to see how these men thought and acted. They’re sociopaths and have absolutely no empathy. They don’t even show it to their own daughters. They degrade their captives in many different ways including stripping them of their clothes and forcing them to act like dogs. At one point the Duke defecates and forces a naked, crying girl to eat it. She’s crying as she was reminded of her mother who was killed trying to prevent her from being taken. A still from this scene is the poster found on IMDb and the front cover of the Criterion Collection special edition I bought. To me, this is the most disturbing and upsetting scene in cinema history. According to Hélène Surgère who plays Signora Vaccari, during filming, the atmosphere was quite pleasant and fun for the most part with actors constantly playing practical jokes one another. It was not until they saw the final product that they realized what a horrifying film they had made. Knowing this kind of helps soften the extremely disturbing content. There are certain shots that do feel like a like giallo or grindhouse, but the film is largely shot very artistically with heavy usage of wide-angle shots. There were times where I was reminded of The Sound of Music (1965) in terms of camera set up and color. At times it cuts away from the sadistic violence yet while at other times it lingers. In conclusion, Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma really is an intense film. Only a small niche of people will get something out of it. This is not an enjoyable film. It’s gonna take your mind to places it doesn’t want to go. There are only a few people I’d recommend it to. If you do watch it, there are scenes that’ll stick with you for the rest of your life. I can handle a lot but the majority of this did get to me. Despite all of it, in the end, I do find it to be a beautiful film. The more and more I think about it, the more I see how well crafted it is. I do plan on subjecting myself to the book it is based on. Score: 9.2/10 *Note: I do plan on returning to this review after I’ve watched the film a few more times.

[digital-dragoon]

also i like sending this one out, which of your characters will be celebrating halloween and how? like if they dress up, what would they dress up as?

oh man…. well i imagine that blue has seen something of it back at the jurassic world park but it’s still very ??? to her so, she won’t take part in it in the least but. generally won’t actually be perturbed by seeing people dressed up in costume on halloween if she was to wander around the cities during that time

but uh depending on how up to it cloud might be around halloween, he might half-assedly, at least, dress up as a werewolf or vampire or smth. just to y’know, spread a little of that wry humour about,,

daisuke will be pretty into the whole thing! same as dark too tbh. i think that daisuke would be interested in dressing up just for fun, maybe as something like in a super sentai/power ranger costume (white or blue) or hmm perhaps as a marvel superhero like captain america? 

dark on the other hand, would totally be into dressing up as lupin the third, if he ended up spending the night out for a while 

god y’know it’d be good for heather to get out there and do things so. i think she might be up to doing it? though it’d probs be that she’d just dress up for a party or smth just to use that as a excuse as to why she bothered to dress up. not that she actually thinks it’s fun or anything,,

but nah, i think she’d probably half-ass it a bit. maybe just go with some teen fancy dress thing you can get easily from any nearby shop, or if she’s enough in the mood, maybe she’d dress up in robes and a masquerade mask

okay so, last year max dressed up as a zombie. so. this year, he’s either going to dress up as a skeleton orr maybe jack skellington himself. he likes playing with the whole undead thing, 

he’ll be telling everyone it’s on a dare tho and that he’s not really That into halloween

mew can make her own costume! by transforming into something else. seeing that everyone gets candy and Nice Free Things from people on halloween, she’ll probably shift into the shape of a gengar or maybe a clefable, as they’re relatively the same height of a costumed kid, so that she can trick people out of all their food…. though she won’t be against pranking the heck out people just because she can (and hey, maybe she’ll end up imitating amaterasu or lin hu during this time, just for fun)

by this point raptor red knows a little bit about human customs and celebrations so, she’s a little in the know on halloween. if she could, she’d probably walk around in one of those t-rex inflatable costumes buut because they’ll be more than likely too big for her, she’s just going to make do with a scarf and cowboy hat on instead - not for the candy, mind you, just because she wants to

okay so! spyro has never heard of halloween but! once he catches sight and word of it about, he’s definitely going to want to get in on that shit and just… mess around for a while in costume. to make things easier on himself, he’s probably just going to go out dressed up in accessories over going the whole hog with a costume. to fit with the spooky vibes, he’ll drape cobwebs over his horns and about his wings and spikes, then maybe add some extra little plastic bats and spiders, just to make it look all the more authentic 

sunbird and tigerstar both won’t know anything about it. and, although, sunbird would be intrigued in the whole thing if he found out about it, he won’t be interested in doing something like dressing up. and tigerstar wouldn’t even entertain the thought

oh! and tomy….. she knows about it, being that her owner celebrated it sometimes and she’s seen enough kids about the neighbourhood that are going out trick and treating to know what everyone tends to do around halloween. she might bother to dress up a little. but it’ll just be a small little thing, like wearing a mask or a little witch’s hat on her head whilst she’s helping out her clients or working on their commissions/her new devices 

[oscar-isaacs-number-one-bitch]

“Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” Movie Review

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is the direct sequel to 2015’s Jurassic World, as well as the fifth movie in the Jurassic Park franchise. Directing duties have shifted from Colin Trevorrow to A Monster Calls director J.A. Bayona, and this installment stars Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt once again as Claire (in a character shift from amusement park money-maker to dinosaur-rights activist) and Owen, the “action-hero-man” of the franchise whose character never shifts at all. Claire has been working tirelessly to save the dinosaurs from the active volcano island of Isla Nublar, arguing that they should be given the same rights as other animals due to their being living creatures. After the last film’s events, however, some of the world’s leading officials are not so sure this is a good idea, since each time mankind has attempted to control or interfere with the world’s natural order, disaster has struck (as evidenced by the failures of now two dinosaur parks). Eventually, both Claire and Owen are put on assignment to carry out a rescue mission to save the dinosaurs (Claire because she knows the park, Owen in order to rescue Blue, the raptor from the last movie). And, what we’re given here is what’s supposed to be a dumb, fun action movie that tries to be more than what it is and fails miserably at it, albeit with more style and grace in its failings than the previous installment.

I’m no keeper of secrets when it comes to movies I like or dislike despite any mass audience opinion to the contrary (love The Witch and Hereditary, dislike The Greatest Showman, Guardians of the Galaxy felt flat, etc.), so most people who have been following my reviews and general movie “thing” for a while know well enough that I didn’t really like the first Jurassic World. Sure, it was mindless entertainment and there were parts about it I enjoyed, but it seemed to take the “mindless” angle a little too much to heart, with a lazy script filled with lazy characters, an overabundance of filmmaking clichés, and what amounted to cardboard cutouts of villains, dialogue, plot progression, or basically anything that wasn’t purely spectacle-driven. In that vein, Fallen Kingdom has a lot of heavy lifting to do in terms of drudging this series back up where it rested after its predecessor was barely on-par with, or better than, The Lost World, but also in establishing J.A. Bayona as a legit director. And, for the most part, it really, truly fails. Luckily, that didn’t bother me as much this time around.

If there’s one thing Bayona can do with the best of them, it’s style and scale. This guy kills it at bringing larger than life visual creatures to screen and legitimately making them, well, larger than life. The sheer scope in Fallen Kingdom (for like the 15 minutes of the first act that they’re on the island at least) is breathtaking, and Bayona’s visual flourishes don’t just paint the dinosaurs as massive, but also majestic. The director’s understanding of scene geography is something to be commended here as well, as it nearly saves the movie from being ultimately worse than the first one. The visual effects have also been much improved on both a wide and a close-up scale. Do they rival the effects in the original Jurassic Park? Well, not really, but they’ve come to closest since to capturing not only the awe these creatures inspire, but the terror as well. The design of the new dino for this one is entirely frightening, and really highlights the “monster” aspect of these animals. (Side note: there was a moment in this film where I did legitimately start to tear up near the end of the first act and you will too, so good job on that one, movie.)

The performances in this film have also improved since last time. Bryce Dallas Howard getting to play a character that’s much less a product of corporate cartoon-isms and more of an at least two-dimensional character with her own agency without having to wear heels the whole time is a good step up, especially since it gives the actress more to do in terms of informing the character. Chris Pratt is also back, and while I wouldn’t say the character improved, his performance did; stripped of all the generic action hero Chris Pratt-isms that informed much of his character in the last film, it’s a lot less annoying to follow him and Howard around, despite the fact that, again, neither of their characters goes through the slightest bit of a personal growth arc, despite legitimate plot points brought up by this installment’s main villain that could have informed that sort of change.

Unfortunately, though, that’s where the positives essentially stop cold. This particular installment may have better style and less ultimately clichés running around (though it keeps the same bad editing), but it swaps decisions that used to be purely annoying for decisions that are purely stupid or forgettable. During the course of the film, especially the first act, it’s posited again and again that if these animals aren’t saved, they’ll go re-extinct, and humanity shouldn’t let that happen (notwithstanding the ecological and societal destruction they’ve already wreaked on their own enclosures and would eventually wreak on the world at large if not kept in an enclosure). Yet despite the number of times this is brought up, no one thinks to address the fact that they can just make more dinosaurs, as was the entire premise for this franchise’s now two series-starting films. They have the technology, they have the know-how, and they’re smart enough the acquire the funding to make more, and this never comes up.

In addition to this, the characters being less annoying apparently also meant stripping them of anything resembling what makes a character in the first place. Yeah, I know I said the performances were better, but that doesn’t make the characters better. It’s as if the writers of the previous film made the clichés and cartoon-ish behavior these people once carried the entire point of the characters in the first place, and without all of that, the characters are left to be deflated versions of what they once were; less annoying, but more underdeveloped.

There’s also a solution reveal to the extinction problem that’s played for what ends up being an insanely predictable twist to the point where one wonders if the characters were deliberately ignoring it just so a movie could happen (the “twist” is in the last trailer but the thing that leads to it is not…for some reason they thought that was a good idea instead of the reverse), but it ends up not only ripping a gaping hole in this film’s plot but in the first Jurassic World’s plot as well. One starts to wonder why they didn’t just go that route in the first place, given what’s meant to at first be this movie’s central conflict.

A lot of this has much more to do with the writing of the film than the production of it post-script, but no one thought to stop and question these glaring plot holes not just within the franchise, but within this entry? It’s entirely lazy writing that’s focused on making dinosaurs this big, philosophical talking point in the beginning (forgetting that they don’t have to be because they’re dinosaurs – that’s cool enough), then just wanting them to be mindless, dumb monsters in the end only for the sake of having an action-oriented finale. Not only does it not ultimately decide what message it wants to send (does it want humanity to not mess with nature or does it want us to campaign for animals rights), I don’t even know if it knows what message it’s trying to send, as the script is so fuddled and messy that there’s no clear emotional thru-line to follow. Oh, and in case you were thinking “yes, we finally get to see Ian Malcolm back in a Jurassic Park movie,” Jeff Goldblum amounts to nothing more than a cameo with the most generic dialogue in the film and none of the humor he brought to his previous appearances in the franchise, for a total screen-time of about 2 minutes, maybe less.

I went into this film not expecting much, given that I didn’t enjoy Bayona’s previous film, nor the previous film in this franchise, and maybe that’s why I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t outright hate this movie. Sure, I wanted to like it, and I was hoping it would be good, but I wasn’t expecting that, so I was likely less disappointed than a lot of my fellow critics or audience members out there. Still, it can’t really be denied that while I personally enjoyed this film more, it is, on as objective of a level as art can be (which is not very, mind you), a worse film than the previous one, and worse than Bayona’s previous work as well. Sure, Jurassic World was mindless entertainment, but even though it did take the mindless part a little too seriously, it was still entertaining even after it was over. This one, while still entertaining (perhaps more so) and rid of the clichés that informed the first one (again, swapping them out for laziness), can’t be bothered to not rip apart at the seams once you’re done watching it. And even as unsurprising as that is, it’s still disappointing.

I’m giving “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” a 5.8/10

[junker-town]

Here are 9 of the most badass animals ever to swim

Art by Tyson Whiting

Say hello to some horrifying sea monsters

The Earth has some very cool aquatic predators swimming about. Thanks to their intelligence and pack-hunting techniques, orcas are, perhaps, the most dangerous hunters ever to swim the ocean. Saltwater crocodiles are bulletproof murder tanks. And the great white shark, of course, needs no introduction. But now that we’re talking about terrifying underwater murder-beasts, why just settle for just the ones we have around now?

Underwater murder-beasts have a long and distinguished (pre-)history, and I thought it would be fun to introduce y’all to some new pals. TO THE IMAGINARY TIME MACHINE!

Temnodontosaurus eurycephalus

Grumpy croco-dolphin

Ichthyosaurs evolved 250 million years ago. In the aftermath of the Permian extinction, which killed off a frankly horrifying number of creatures, a group of terrestrial reptiles took to the depleted seas. Fast-forward a little bit and you have primitive ichthyosaurs, creatures so well adapted to oceanic life that they ended up looking like a cross between a crocodile and an extremely ill-tempered, extremely large dolphin.

Fast-forward even further, to the early Jurassic (175 million years ago), and you have Temnodontosaurus eurycephalus. It’s not the largest ichthyosaur ever to grace the seas, but it’s up there, and it’s a far more developed predator than its giant forebears. Somewhere around 30 feet long, T. emnodontosaurus was a powerful swimmer with strong jaws, well-equipped to chow down on other Jurassic swimmers. One closely-related species possessed the largest eyes of any known animal, perfect for hunting in deeper oceanic waters; another has been found with the remains of a different ichthyosaur in is stomach.

This monster considered 13-foot oceanic reptiles a delicious snack. It was also fast. Spare a thought for the poor ocean-going creatures minding their own business before one of these huge assholes rams into them from below at speed, opens those long, toothy jaws and turns them into lunch.

Deinosuchus hatcheri

Dinosaur hunter

Take a saltwater crocodile. Actually, it’s probably best not to. They are, after all, 20-foot, 2,000-pound apex predators more than happy to eat anything they come across, including you. Salties are strong, fast and surprisingly smart. They are at home in the open ocean as well as along the coast. Like all crocodiles, they’re ambush predators who use water as cover to attack their prey. Unlike most crocodiles they’re capable of jumping clear out of the water to get to it. They have the strongest bite of any living animal.

Right. Now that you have a saltwater crocodile in your head, make one, oh, twice as big. Yeah, like that. Decently boat-sized. Terrifying teeth in terrifying, dino-crushing jaws. Armored skin thick enough to turn aside more or less anything.

Your terrifying vision is Deinosuchus hatcheri, a crocodile adapted to more or less the exact same situation as a modern saltwater but in a world inhabited by giant dinosaurs. During the late Cretaceous (80 million years ago), North America was split by a shallow sea, the Western Interior Seaway. D. hatcheri was present on both the western side of the seaway (a slightly smaller species dominated the east), happily chowing through dinosaurs who were foolish enough to get too close.

Anomalocaris canadensis

Nightmare Shrimp

So far we’ve had a dolphin analogue in Temnodontosaurus and an actual crocodile. Cool, but nowhere near the sort of weirdness the past can provide. So let’s go to the deep, deep past, revealed wonderfully by the Burgess Shale. Here we shall find the NIGHTMARE SHRIMP.

One of the problems with studying the very earliest phase of animal life — we’re talking half a billion years at this point — is that it’s squishy, and squishy is not of much benefit when it comes to preserving fossils. Thanks to a fluke of geology, the conditions that produced the Burgess Shale were also capable of preserving soft tissue, giving palaeontologists a rare chance to look into what the seas looked like during the first days of the animal kingdom.

They looked extremely weird. The fauna found in the Burgess Shale was almost obnoxiously uncategorisable. One famous example is the worm Hallucigenia, which so confused everyone involved that it was reconstructed upside-down for the better part of a decade. Another is Opabinia, which looks sort of like a five-eyed miniature vacuum cleaner. I promise I am not making this up.

Anyway, all these critters were apparently food for the ocean’s first proper predator.

With good eyes set on flexible stalks and a surprising turn of speed, Anomalocaris canadensis cruised the Pre-Cambrian seas in death-shrimp mode. It was a full meter long, dwarfing most of its companions in the Burgess Shale. It was also delightfully strange-looking. It is so odd, in fact, that when it was discovered its various body parts were assigned to several different animals.

A. canadensis would be higher on this list if we could be sure of what it actually ate. Long-held to be a trilobite-hunter, recent studies have shown it would probably have had to restrict itself to soft-bodied prey due to relatively flimsy mouthparts, and therefore could only have actually eaten a trilobite just after a moult. But it’s much more fun to imagine this guy roaming the seafloor chomping down on everything, so that’s what we’ll do.

Disclaimer: an old friend of mine is a paleontologist who specializes in the Burgess Shale fossils. I did not contact him for this story, because I am consumed by envy whenever I so much as think about him.

Cameroceras

Spiky death-squid

Back in the Palaeozoic and Mesozoic, cephalopods were armored critters, much like our modern nautilus. The most famous of them, and one of the most widely known extinct animals ever, is the spiral-shelled ammonite. Since they had hard shells, they’re extremely common in marine strata. They also got surprisingly large. The biggest-known ammonite was two meters across. Imagine that thing trying to swim.

Ammonites weren’t the only armored cephalopod prowling the ancient seas, however. The orthocones were straight-shelled versions, and some of those got really, really big. Like Cameroceras. Current estimates put Cameroceras’s shell at upwards of six meters long. That’s three average-sized men stacked on each others’ shoulders.

Somehow this monster was still able to get about in the Ordovician seas. It’s quite hard to imagine it chasing anything around, so it presumably surprised trilobites etc. at nighttime or dug it out of the mud, but since paleoecology is at least in part about imagination, right now I’m enjoying Cameroceras retracting its head deep into its shell and pretending to be a cave before trying to eat whatever entered. It wouldn’t be quite big enough to swallow the Millennium Falcon, buuuuuuuuut ...

Carcharocles megalodon

The shark that eats planets

Megalodon needs no introduction. The great white shark has a profound hold on popular culture, but its long-gone big sister isn’t far behind. Megalodon made even the most vicious shark in today’s seas look like a toy. Since sharks are mostly soft tissue, they don’t fossilize as well as we’d like, but their teeth do, and Megalodon’s tell a terrifying story.

Megalodon died out only relatively recently. It wasn’t quite contemporaneous with human beings, but its extinction was recent enough that there are plenty of folks willing to tell tall tales of how it might still be swimming somewhere in the depths of the ocean. If it was, probably best not to get anywhere near it — a Megalodon may have had a bite force of up to 10 times the strength of a great white. That’d be a bad day.

What were those huge jaws for? Whales. Apparently, these things liked to swim up from underneath its prey and bite through their chest to reach their internal organs. The ability to kill a whole-ass whale with one bite is honestly horrifying, even if whales in Megalodon’s day were a little smaller than the current batch of great rorquals.

Jaekelopterus rhenaniae

Sea Scorpion

Did you know ‘sea scorpions’ were a thing? Sea scorpions were a thing. Since eurypterids (to give them their proper name) went extinct hundreds of millions of years ago, we don’t have very good comparisons for what these things were like. So let’s get creative. Let’s take a lobster. Despite their ferocious armament, lobsters are relatively placid creatures. They’re not averse to grabbing a fish here or a mollusk there, but they’re not built for hunting. Let’s make the required tweaks.

We need to add eyes. Let’s make them big and sensitive and set for stereoscopic vision, which allows those pincers to be used more effectively to grab prey. Let’s make them better swimmers, too — we’ll add some paddles for agility and short bursts of speed. Let’s make their claws spikier, just for sheer scare value.

Oh and let’s make them 10 feet long and perfectly happy to eat you alive. Now you have a Jaekelopterus. Aren’t you glad they’re dead?

Dunkleosteus terrelli

A, uh, fish-tank

When evolution first came up with bone, it got a little bit carried away. Well, a lot carried away. The era of armored fishes is one of the most fabulously strange in the entire history of the planet. (A personal favorite of mine is Lunapsis, which looks like a fish had a baby with Batman’s utility belt.) With bone-plated heads and upper bodies, these fish probably didn’t swim very well, but who cares? They looked cool as hell, and with that body armor they were well protected against predators.

Which, as it turns out, is the sort of inspiration nature needs to come up with some better predators*. Enter Dunkleosteus, a monster armored fish with a set of jaws which could rip straight through the armor of any other fish slowly swimming through the Devonian ocean. Known to be 20 feet long, it didn’t really have teeth so much as a huge bony beak, which honestly makes the whole contraption even more frightening, like some sort of mobile oceanic guillotine.

*I’m being overly teleological here. Forgive me. Nature, of course, does not ‘come up with’ anything.

Mosasaurus hoffmanni

For whatever reason, the fauna of Cretaceous period got big. Really, really big. On land, we had Tyrannosaurus Rex. In the skies, azhdarchids the size of small aircraft coasted from thermal to thermal. And in the shallow seas, we had another monster: Mosasaurus.

Mosasaurus was essentially an enormous — estimates have it as almost 60 feet long — ocean-going lizard. Its legs were replaced with bladed paddles for maneuverability and it had a powerful tail for direct propulsion. Mosasaurus ate everything it could get in its mouth, which was a) double-hinged for extra capacity and b) already pretty capacious to begin with.

It would have hung around near the surface of the ocean, where there was an abundance of prey. Mosasaurus could have waited for other marine reptiles (such as Archelon, the largest turtle known) to come up to breathe, grab low-flying pterosaurs on fishing expeditions, or simply have picked off the many large fish that swam the Cretaceous seas.

Livyatan Melvilli

Moby-Dick’s even-scarier dad

In 1820, the Essex was lost in the southern Pacific Ocean. The ship had been sent out to hunt for sperm whales (Physeter macrocephalus, since you asked), but soon had the tables turned when it was attacked and sunk by a ferocious bull. Of the 20 crew, only eight survived, and the incident went on to inspire a famous book about whales which you may have heard of.

What you probably haven’t heard of is Livyatan. Modern sperm whales are enormous creatures, but very rare boat attacks aside, they’re only really dangerous to their favorite prey, deep-swimming squid. But not so long ago, geographically speaking, there were also a group of ‘macroraptorial’ sperm whales. These didn’t eat squid. Instead, they competed with Megalodon to hunt other great whales.

Livyatan’s teeth are some of the most awe-inspiring fossils in the world. The biggest ones are 12 inches long and look like artillery shells. Estimates have Livyatan as sitting a touch smaller than its modern friends, but those teeth indicate that it would have been significantly more vicious, fully capable of cutting a sperm whale into very bloody chunks.

It’s not clear whether or not Livyatan hunted alone or in packs, like a modern killer whale, but it had the power and size to be able to plausibly compete with Megalodon even solo. The crew of the Essex found out that a bull sperm whale could be a formidable opponent; one suspects Livyatan would have left even fewer survivors.