#they’re epic love story and all is great and I ship it blah blah I’m so mad right more I don’t even care

[bookdork1]

8x01 Meredith is soooooo stupid I dislike her sooooo much. You know what a good idea is to do when you might lose your baby to social services? Steal that baby. Oh wait. No it’s literally the dumbest fucking thing you could do. Also Alex did nothing wrong and “everyone” being mad at him for telling that Meredith made a dumbass decision in season 7 by fucking with the clinical trial is not true. I’m team Alex here 1000% any rational person would be and I love Bailey giving her non letter of recommendation speech about Meredith because she’s RIGHT

[alwaysspeakshermind]

When I say 'I ship it'

this is what I mean:

Because I believe just about anything and everything can (and should!) be analyzed, I have decided to post a trio of unnecessary charts I made once upon a time in college, while I was supposed to be studying. 

Are they exciting? No!

But they do help illustrate the method to my personal madness, and I've got a 'favorite ships' list I've been needing to finish for like a year now that I feel like this will help explain, so there’s that. 

How I ship: lazy little flowchart edition

For me, it’s not about tropes, aesthetics, or the following of/rebelling against canon. It’s essentially chemistry, story, and overall execution that sell me on a pairing, and all three need to be present in order to reel me in. 

Ex. 1: If the chemistry is dynamite but the setup is meh or the storyline takes a dive/drags too long/rushes too much etc., I’m out. Maybe I'll read a fanfic or two for a taste of What Could Have Been If..., but effectively, I'm out.

Ex. 2: If the setup/potential is the most brilliant, epic piece of art in the history of the written/spoken word but the chemistry is blah or the actual execution of the relationship doesn’t live up to the preamble, I’m not just kind of out...I’m Viola-Davis-grabbing-her-purse gif out, and I’m locking the door behind me, and I might even be considering writing a strongly-worded rant on how annoyed I am over my time being wasted.

Ex. 3: If the relationship, whenever it finally happens, is the cutest/hottest/most magnetic and beautiful example of a well-written and loving relationship ever but the chemistry is so-so and the setup is barely there, I may not be out, but I’m definitely not in, because who in the world is excited to drink lukewarm coffee? Not me, so thank you, but no thank you.

That’s just how it is.

And even if I love a ship, certain writing choices can still turn me off of them/lessen my liking for them; while I do sometimes joke about cherry-picking from canon, I don’t as a rule just ignore things I hate and hype what I like because I can’t. It’s like lying to myself, and I don’t roll like that. When I ship, I’m ultimately shipping a dynamic (And yes, the dynamic is usually take-charge, kind-of-b!tchy girl and a feels all the feels/flies-by-the-seat-of-the-pants guy, but what of it?), but I need the dynamic to be built on something that feels organic to both story and characters so that the exasperatingly practical part of my brain isn’t interrupting with things like “But why would they get together?”/ “Why would they get together now?” 

Like...I don’t care if we’re discussing animated mice (Disney's The Rescuers) or elderly assassins (RED). I need to see that they like each other, I need to see why they’re great together, and I need to see why it makes sense for them to get together when they do, as opposed to earlier or later.

So, in summary...I do not convince myself to ship. The ship convinces me, and there is a definable process.

Levels of shipping: cute (love-themed?) colors edition

This one’s pretty self-explanatory, so I’ll be quick. 

Lowest level = “I don’t NOT ship it” = the default level = the ingredients are all there, the finished product is just not tasty enough to tempt me. (Maybe they were mixed improperly, maybe the cookies were pulled from the oven too soon, maybe they had all the ingredients for a delectable layer cake and chose instead to make cornbread and call it dessert, maybe they just served me vanilla when I wanted chocolate, etc.) Highest level = “I hardcore ship it” = the rarest level of shipping I attain = however calm I claim to be about loving this pairing, I am downplaying it because I am actually unhinged. I adore them. You will never make me stop shipping them. The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn because babes, we have PASSED the point of no return and I have ZERO regrets.

Rough Shipping #s: extremely unscientific version that I would never let my old stat prof see b/c it would make her sad and possibly think about revoking that good grade she gave me

Whatever the fictional medium, my default shipping mode is neutral...most of the time, when I read a book or watch a show/movie, I don’t care one way or another about the relationships presented. My primary concerns are “do they work?” and if the answer is “yes, they have a not unpleasant dynamic, and the proper amount of work has been put into developing that dynamic,” then I sort of go “okay, good for them” and I move on.

If the answer is “no, they’re kind of boring/basic/bland etc. and they just sort of happen for no discernible reason and/or leave a bad taste in my mouth” then I roll my eyes, get through it as soon as possible, and move on. It’s out of the ordinary for me to love a ship, but it is even more out of the ordinary for me to actively dislike a ship, and it is rarest of all for me to hate a ship. So when I say I adore a ship, it’s kind of a big deal. And when I say I loathe a ship...yeah, well. You get the picture.

In summary:

When I say "I ship it," I mean all the above elements have clicked for me. I have gone through a process to reach this point. I'm not just going "ooh, pretty people, I want them together!" or "ooh, character I relate to most! I want them with character I'd want to be with most!"

Nope.

It's about the journey AND the destination AND the pre-journey prepwork, but it's also about an X-factor, something special I respond to with each ship...and at the end of the day, if that little unexplainable spark is there I'll ship it. If it's not, I won't.

[loisfreakinglane]

tscc, dark angel, angel

G A S P! SHOCK! A DEEP DIVE! lol thank you

tscc:

Favorite Male Character- DUDE THATS SUCH A HARD QUESTION suffice it to say this is either john or derek depending on when you ask, buuuuuuut terminator in my face i say john

Favorite Female Character- JESSEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Least Favorite Character- i. struggle to think of anybody i found bad or boring or anything???? oh okay you know what i have eternal mixed feelings about the character we know as eileen/alan/abraham and the weird choices around them. yeah thats all i got

Favorite Ship- derek/jesse my heart breaks and i am just a mess forevermore

Favorite Friendship- lmao there is no way to call it a friendship it is not a friendship but riley/jesse is so very fucked up in so many trillions of ways but god i’m obsessed with them......... also riley/john i would have fucking loved to see them have a real relationship, platonic or otherwise, their dynamic is SO GOOD and the possibility of their dynamic when they were both open about themselves.... fUCK

Favorite Quote- there are so many off the top of my head but like the biggest gutpunch to me personally was when jesse called derek out for his suicide attempt, asking what was he doing there when she found him and he just says ~i was waiting for you~ THO THO THO ALTERNATIVELY when they’re trying to get ellison to help program john henry and he says- you wanna teach it commands? start with the first ten.

Worst Character Death (if any)- uhhhhhh i think i like all of the character deaths on this show- i mean rileys death K I L L S me but i’m not angry about it and it was incredibly well done. dereks? maybe? i’m not actually mad about it but it was very abrupt. like i get it tho? OH WAIT I HAVE A REAL ONE friendgirl of johns who killed herself in the plotline that was never resolved bc of the writers strike. that was horrifying and ultimately we never even got a reason (beyond the obvious one they hinted at)

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment- what on this show makes anybody happy????? ever?????????????????????? uhhhhh. fuck. i mean the reveal about who riley is is SO GOOD i’m just always happy when the pieces slot together and we see new depth?

Saddest Moment- so many things on this show make me sob but like peak among them bc like you can feel your soul screaming bc you have no idea what could be done differently, when riley and john both ask the other if they’ve got anything they want to tell them, and they both say no they don’t EVEN THO THEY BOTH KNOW WHAT THE OTHER ONE WANTS TO SAY BUT THE ACTUALLY SAYING IT PART WOULD CHANGE LITERALLY EVERYTHING UGH FUCK KFUCK FUCKCCCKCK

Favorite Location- the stupid future tunnels where i want to see what happens next in the series finale FUCK

dark angel:

Favorite Male Character- uhhhhhhhhh even tho him being 95% of the tags every time i check have grated all of my nerves, yeah i still love alec the most when it comes to dudes

Favorite Female Character- max is a forever and ever and ever girl

Least Favorite Character- ames white. i don’t remember much about that plotline but i remember a lot of UGHS and groaning

Favorite Ship- cindy/diamond i’m mad forever I KNOW THEY WERE ONLY ONE EPISODE BUT ME/THEM FOREVER

Favorite Friendship- max/cindy eternally, the best ride or dies ever

Favorite Quote- fight the power, protect the downtrodden. blah blah, woof woof. ALSO max’s whole little once upon a time story about tinga...... :(

Worst Character Death (if any)- diamonds death was painful and i hated it and it was a dumb thing anyway. like at least she got revenge but MEH TAKE IT BACK I DON’T WANT THESE. worse character resurrection is zack they should have just let him stay dead instead of turning him into a robot (i like zack this isn’t a slam against him but it was an epic death for him) OH OH ALSO ANNIE FISHER she never should have died that was dumb and a waste of kandyse mcclure

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment- when cindy and max cheated the money off of those assholes and then beat them up, still in their itty bitty sparkly outfits and left with such flair :) but just also max forever........ cindy/max forever.......... mine own heart. 

Saddest Moment- when the show decided to make clones a thing breaking the whole internal logic of the entire first season aka them not knowing what the kids looked like :( I SAD

Favorite Location- i always thought the jam pony set was really fun. i love that the whole last episode was set there.

angel:

Favorite Male Character- angel, with a side called gunn or connor YAH I LIKE CONNOR I SAID IT YOU CAN ALL SUCK IT

Favorite Female Character- cordelia chase forever and EVER nobody else on planet earth holds a candle to her

Least Favorite Character- look i love christian kane i do, hes amazing in leverage- but man lindsey......... hes fine when hes snarking at lilah tho i’m with lilah in that groaning and screaming at wr&h being so blatantly misogynistic in preferring weak ass flip flopper lindsey over LILAH. also lindsey in s5 blew they should have spent the money they wasted on him and eve and adam wahtever and just paid for stephanie to be a main

Favorite Ship- cangel OTP ETERNAL

Favorite Friendship- angel/gunn is such a good dynamic that you can feeeeeel the show dropping (along with so much of their gunn-centric content bc they didn’t know how to write for him and never thought hm maybe we should hire some black writers)

Favorite Quote- it’s a cliche at this point and theres many great quotes on this show but it really does hit home- if nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do. cause thats all there is.

Worst Character Death (if any)- freds death is vile trash garbage and they should feel like vile trash garbage for doing her like that

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment- cordelia and angel falling asleep with baby connor between them talking about how to spend a big payday........ such marrieds content..........

Saddest Moment- ‘is that it? am i done?’ idk if this would have been a SADDEST MOMENT before glenn quinn passed away but it sure hits hard now. it also hits hard when they replay it in you’re welcome right before cordelia dies

Favorite Location- the hyperion hotel is one of my favorite sets in all of television. i just wish we’d explored more of it, and that they hadn’t ditched it in favor of that new wolfram&hart set, which was honestly very very boring to me

[spockat]

Fave Fandom and Ships

in answer to an ask from weeks ago, sorry

Fave Fandom and Ships

001 Fandom Discovery

Least favorite character – when MU Lorca fully revealed himself a villainous villainous man [stomping that guy’s face – really?! Diatribe against alien races? Ugh]. I HATED what the writers did with Lorca. Emperor Georgiou also hits the stereotypical notes, since she doesn’t have a mustache she twirls cooked ganglia instead, and she’s also been given the Villain Trope of being bisexual – because [gasp!] “what could be worse” [this trope is on display in many shows and movies]. Yeah, we get it, she uses every. body.

5 Fave Ships – Prime Lorca/Cornwell; MU Lorca/PU Burnham; Stamets/Culber; Tilly/Tyler, I really don’t have any others. While Tyler/Burnham was well-acted, I didn’t really feel it except in the moment at the end of “Into the Forest I Go”

Character I find most attractive – ummm GABRIEL LORCA

Character I would marry – Prime Lorca [In my headcanon he’s a really decent guy – as I write in my BlackQat Katriel fics. [Although he can be stubborn as fuck, and when captaining his ship he’s pretty much like MU Lorca in temperament, using a tad bit of sarcasm here and there. He’s a little salty, but damned good and his crew would follow him through hell because he’s loyal to them.]

Character I would be best friends with – Katrina Cornwell. I hope I’d be good friends with her, she is so levelheaded and [headcanon] kind and compassionate, and probably encourages her friends. [You don’t become a psychiatrist because you’re unsympathetic toward, or uninterested in, people.] Runners-up, Sylvia Tilly, because she’s effervescent and a good friend to people.

A random thought – I so want Cornwell to find and rescue Prime Lorca. [Headcanon] Prime’s been busting his ass trying to help the rebels in the MU, and succeeding in large part since the Emperor’s departure. Maybe Cornwell has to make a devil’s bargain with Section 31 to get over there … [story in progress, grin]

An unpopular opinion – Burnham was RIGHT and Georgiou was wrong. The Shenzhou should’ve given the Klingons “The Vulcan Hello.” It might have shocked the Klingons and sent them to regroup. OTOH it may have just resulted in …The Battle at the Binary Stars … anyway. So either a win/lose or a lose/lose, and since the latter happened, it would’ve been worth a try for result #1.

My Canon OTP – Prime Lorca and Cornwell. Though it’s not REALLY established in canon as a romance. I hope it will be. I’d love to see them on Risa or somewhere together and get into an adventure while Discovery’s on a subplot adventure. Or they could be the subplot adventure. I DON’T CARE I JUST WISH I COULD SEE THEM TOGETHER

My non-canon OTP – MU Lorca and Burnham. If only he’d been fighting a just revolution for the rights of all races. Michael may even have joined him, for a time, and returned to the Prime Universe, say, after helping MU Lorca institute a better government after the Emperor’s death. OH WELL.

Most badass character – Tossup between Michael Burnham and Kat Cornwell on the female side both BAFs, and Lorca is a BAF.

Most epic villain - Emperor Georgiou. Farming and eating Kelpiens, honest to god. Killing how many, like 10 people in her throne room because she couldn’t trust them to remain quiet? Blowing up the rebel base, well yuh, I guess that’s to be expected. Quite the opposite of her kind Prime counterpart.

Runner-Up: Kol. He’s a mean Klingon, even by Klingon standards!

Pairing I am not a fan of – Tyler and Burnham, not so much. Something about it seemed a lit-tle forced, and I can’t say what. The actors did a lovely job, but I didn’t see the chemistry that was so obvious between Lorca and Burnham and Lorca and Cornwell.

And this is totally personal and y’all knock yourselves out and enjoy them, but I’m not a big fan of slash pairings in general, i.e., “making a gay couple out of a sisterly or brotherly canon pair of friends.” It’s just not my thing and I know people love to do this because of many personal or fannish reasons, like more representation, and y’all have fun with it. It is a really big thing now. But … I ship Prime Cornwell/Lorca and it isn’t yet established as canon (any more than Kirk/Spock) that they’re a canon OTP, so …

… take my “slash” statement with a grain of salt. What you want is what you want and what I want is what I want, and in fandom we can have All The Things.

I love Stamets and Culber and I love that they are a canon gay OTP.  [Stamets is great because he’s a salty scientist and a BAF (“as I’ve explained to you, Captain”)(injecting himself with tardigrade DNA to save “Ripper” and get the spore drive on line, and Culber is a warm fuzzy person with medical brilliance and compassion, kind of like Dr Crusher in TNG. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating him.]

Character I feel the writers screwed up one way or another – Tyler got it the worst. Couldn’t he have just been a human with Voq’s memories implanted? Jesus, they had to CHOP UP VOQ? At least give me a reason for that. Maybe because L’Rell’s beliefs said Voq would die if his body died? But noooo, no reason is given, and gratuitous bloody surgery scenes are there just [it seems to me] for shock value.

Lorca got fucked over [by the writers] the second he killed that guy outside the Agony Booth – he might could have been redeemed by leading a revolution for just causes.

Also Prime Georgiou. See elsewhere.

And Culber. What could be a worse screwup than killing a character for shock value?

Fave friendship - Burnham and Tilly

Character I most identify with – I am a lot like Tilly in the sense that I can be insecure and unsure and talk wayyy too much. As an older woman I also identify with Cornwell [and love her age-appropriate relationship with (Prime) Lorca, and I hope they’re more than just occasional fuck buddies.] In temperament I also identify with Salty!Lorca or CompassionateCulber or SaltyStamets.

Character I wish I could be – Cornwell or Burnham. Cornwell because she’s brilliant and capable, a psychiatrist, and a BAF Starfleet Admiral … being defiant and fighting L’Rell; with its attendant risks; Burnham because she’s also incredibly brilliant and capable and a BAF herself. Beaming onto the Sarcophagus to plant the sensors? Fighting Kol? I mean dayum.

002

Ships – Cornwell/Lorca [my OTP]; Burnham/Lorca

When I started shipping them – I think when she said, “Gabriel, why don’t you fix your damn eyes.”

[And Burnham/Lorca, when I read LadyFangs’ stories including “Human Nature,” then co-wrote “Human Nature II” with her.]

My thoughts – Headcanon: they didn’t meet till after Lorca graduated the Academy; Cornwell is four years older than he, and is a fully certified M.D. Psychiatrist [12 years] and comes to the Academy Officer Candidate School, which teaches candidates about the service and its history; Federation history as it relates to Starfleet; what it is to be an officer, not a civilian, and basic SERE training, working out, leadership. Kat graduates with a commission as a Lieutenant. My headcanon is that she and Gabriel  actually meet when they each come to SFA for Command Training School. Kat has decided she wants to enter the command track after serving as counselor for a year or so on a Starbase. She’s heard from patients how bad upper leadership leads to a lot of poor decisions in the field, and she feels she can make a positive contribution in this area. More thoughts in my fanfiction at BlackQat on AO3.

What makes me happy about them – They are an age-appropriate couple!! This is pret-ty rare in TV and movies. I note that some actors do seek to have age-appropriate co-stars Cornwell is beautiful, but not a fresh-faced 25-y/o, and sexy Lorca finds her sexy, and yay, there’s hope for women my age, I’m so glad, and that’s why I ship them and write them.

What makes me sad about them – that MU Lorca fucked Cornwell in more than one sense of the word. Bastard! And, that now she feels “my Gabriel is dead.” I really started shipping pretty hard when she said that, and I really hope Season 2 brings us some canon Katriel “more than fuckbuddies” subplots or references.

Things done in fanfic that annoy me ­– Please, writers, I’m beggin’ ya, PLEASE proofread or have a Beta proof your story. I don’t spend much time on things that aren’t proofed and beta’d. I get too distracted from the story because I’m an editor.

If you love slash don’t read this paragraph which is strictly my opinion – It really annoys me when slash shippers tag their stories as het, then turn it into slash. This is stealthy and uncalled for. When slash shippers try to get hits on their stories by, say, tagging it as Spock/Uhura and then having Uhura “generously step out of the way because she realizes Spock has never really been into her, he’s really into Kirk,” blah blah blah, just so the author’s real OTP [not tagged], K/S, can be the OTP in the story. Feh! Just be honest and tag it as slash.

Things I look for in a fanfic – QUALITY WRITING, good proofreading, and BELIEVABLE CHARACTER  PSYCHOLOGY. Also staying fairly true to the characters, maybe pushing the limits, but not too much. [I like to write angsty private Lorca—and the character, so far, is pretty much not so angsty [that was MU Lorca]—yet I still write him as an efficient, sometimes salty captain on the job. [In his private reflections and relationships, though, sometimes, angst.]

I also really love it when an author writes a Trek-like plot, with exploration, a little world-building, or a battle scenario, or alien interactions [something I don’t manage to do that often]. I love romance and angst, occasional fluff, and always, always, a good happy ending or at least a believable and decent resolution for the characters. I don’t like downer endings, but sometimes they’re realistic.

My wishlist – A canon romance for Cornwell and Prime Lorca! But first, FIND PRIME LORCA. He’s fighting alongside the rebels in the MU. He comes back to Prime Uni with Acute Stress Disorder or PTSD. Kat recommends a counselor and checks in with Gabriel to see how it’s going, but not poke her nose into his actual therapy, because that’s not the done thing. Slowly they progress to resume their romance.

Also let’s have another CBSAA series about Pike’s Enterprise. [I know that’s not what you asked.]

Who I’d be comfortable with [my OTP] ending up with, if not each other – Lorca, with Burnham. Cornwell, with … hmmm … unless we go over into cross-over country I just don’t know. Dr. McCoy of AU Trek maybe?

My happily ever after for my OTP – a long-distance romance, occasional meetings on Starbases or Risa or other planets; passionate discussions about Starfleet policy over coffee; passionate other moments [wink-wink-nudge-nudge], shirtless Lorca ;^), followed eventually by retirement somewhere where they can have fun outdoors. I think they’d be hikers and sailors and really dig nature and space travel to many planets.

003. Character

[Ask: Philippa Georgiou]

How I feel about her – the writers gave her a raw deal at the Binary Stars, though she fought like a boss when she fought with T’Kuvma. If only Burnham’s entire subsequent story arc hadn’t depended on her mutiny against a fairly reasonable captain. If only Georgiou had opened with the Vulcan Hello per Burnham’s suggestion and opened negotiations from there. Or discovered the Klingons didn’t want to negotiate, and left the system to regroup with a group of Starfleet ships. OH WELL. Now she’s dead, and that’s really too bad, because she was a good nurturer to Michael. She did let Burnham and Saru bitch at each other too much; I’d have told those two to take it off the Bridge. They were being unprofessional.

Any/all people I ship romantically with her Hmmm. She was a bit of a cipher so far as that went. I feel like she has an old friend / lover she goes on shore leave with. Hetero or bi/pan? IDK. Not sure if she’d have a long-term fully committed relationship; I think she is mother to her crew and that takes much of her emotional energy, but she could’ve been like I hope Gabriel will be and have had a long-distance romance. We have not met a lot of people her age in Discovery except Lorca, Cornwell, and the admirals at Headquarters, and sadly, Georgiou is no more, so the point seems moot.

My fave non-romantic rel for this character – other than “mothering” Michael Burnham, we don’t see a lot of this either. Some fanfic writers have Philippa as Gabriel and Katrina’s Academy classmate, an idea that I really like, although in my fic, she and Katrina are the same age and Gabriel’s a bit younger. [In my headcanon Philippa’s an Academy grad and proceeds straight from there; Kat’s a practicing psychiatrist who goes to Officer Candidate School, getting her commission as a Lieutenant, then straight on to Command Training School – where she meets Lorca and they fall in love.]

My unpopular opinion about this character – she should have listened to Michael and prevented the Battle at the Binary Stars. But could The Vulcan Hello have prevented it? Who knows. The writers had their plans. Alas Philippa paid the price :^(  … she need not have died; the fallout from Burnham’s mutiny could have made for some sparks between them before Burnham went off for sentencing, and Michael could have been equally heartbroken that she had sundered her friendship for a battle prevention tactic.

One thing I wish had happened with the chac in canon – That she had listened to Michael. The Klingons might still have fought, but I feel Burnham was right with the Vulcan Hello and would have set the Klingons back a bit. [Shrug] But then there would have been no Lorca rescuing Burnham, no episodes 3 – 15, so … there we are. As I said above, she could have lived.

Favorite friendship for this character ­– Her friendship with Michael was not one of equals exactly, seeing as their ranks differ greatly. But I like the idea in some fics that she, Lorca and Cornwell are friendly.

My crossover ship ­– Haha, again, I’ve no idea, I don’t tend to think in those terms. Romantically? Matt Decker, before he lost his crew, got ASD and gave his life heroically to stop the Doomsday Machine, maybe. Or a stellar cartographer.

[kastlenetwork]

I feel like people may be skimming over the fact that Matt *maybe* just lost Electra, the love of his life. I feel like odds are stacked against Kastle, but in DDS3 it would be a tough feat for matt to get over electra and karen forgive matt in the same season. Granted it might be harder for Frank to actually be able to love again, and see Karen as that love. Just thinking about how often Frank starred at Karen's lips in the elevator scene and trying to make sense of it, shew. #Imdyinghere

I think Daredevil really thought that her and Matt were going to be this epic sort of thing and their bringing in Elektra threw a big wrench in that. I really agree that the loss of Elektra, but Elektra in general, is really where the strength of his romantic storylines shine. It’s hard to imagine him hobbling back into the story and just making a beeline back to Karen. It’s hard to picture him choosing her [because he’s already spent a lot of screen time doing the opposite] and feeling for her anything even close to what he clearly feels for Elektra. 

I don’t think it’d be impossible to find a way to get them back into a relationship – television shows always manage to keep up relationships that aren’t considered the general favorites [although there are obviously people who really like them – I really liked them once upon a time]. I think it’ll be hard to get it to come across strongly, just based on the fact that they’ve shown [what I believe to be] stronger chemistry with other people, though. But, the return of Matt would probably smooth the transition for Karen from “You spend a lot of time lying to me and I can’t trust you” to “You spend a lot of time lying to me and I can’t trust you but oh my god you’re alive and I’m so happy.” His sudden life still living I think could potentially give her that push closer into reviving something of a lost friendship. 

She’s hurt without him being a friend. His death has seemingly effected her friendship with Foggy [along with his work]. But, if there’s an opportunity to repair things she will want to repair them, I reckon, even if she doesn’t feel like she can be herself around him. So, if they want to do it, I’m sure they can find a way to squish it all together and get them back together again. But, based on how her relationships with both men have been presented, I actually think Frank falling for Karen feels less difficult than Matt loving Karen as much as he loves Elektra. Like, Frank’s out here kissing her cheeks, seemingly suggesting she’s the ‘something’ blah blah [I can’t remember the exact dialogue of the conversation with Sarah lol], looking at her lips, taking bullets for her, an ect. ect. And Matt’s out here wanting to run away with this woman who just got crushed by a building with him.

I really feel like Karen and Frank’s biggest obstacle is literally just that they have two different flag ship shows. Which is. A. Big. Obstacle. That’s the odd stacked against them. If Karen was moved to be a main on Punisher, it would literally just be inevitable that they’d at least hook up at some point, honestly. He’s not celibate in the comics. If she was officially on his show, she’d be the first pick let’s be real. Even on the love scale. Much like Elektra with Matt, I don’t think Frank will ever love anyone again like he loved his wife. That’s a given. But, I do think that there’s already love there for Karen. He’s hunting people down who threaten her and calling her family and bringing her flowers. Despite the fact that his wife was his great love I don’t think it’s impossible that where he is with Karen could be pushed to more. 

Which I suppose means that they’re in a similar place to where Matt and Karen are, apart from the fact that he wasn’t married to Elektra. Previous Loves that mean everything to them, with Karen there as the new potential. It mostly just comes down to how each of them feel around the other at this point in time and the structure of their story lines. 

[mikebigby-blog]

Netflix Legend of Zelda full season 1 outline

I am pants-shittingly excited about the possibility of a live-action Legend of Zelda series on Netflix.  You’ve heard the rumours.  I’ve heard the rumours.  And I have shitted all of my pants.  I only have pants with shit in them now.  I know what you’re saying out-loud to your computer like a weirdo as you read this blog alone; you’re saying “Mike, just wash your pants” but then I wouldn’t be wearing the pants and the shit would go on the floor.  Think before you speak.

Anyway, this is a serious blog.  Please don’t be put off by my shitty pants, I won’t mention them again from here on out.  

Just imagine.  An actually good live-action Legend of Zelda TV show.

 I have dreamed of this since I was a 11 year old kid when I “wrote” and “directed” an Ocarina of Time movie using my dad’s 20kg VHS cam-corder.  I never finished that movie, so this is literally unfinished business for me.

As the title of this blog suggests, for fun, I’ve put together a treatment for what I think a Legend of Zelda series could be.

If you don’t like it, no worries.  It’s not much more than fan-fiction.  If you DO like it, I dunno, share it with your friends or something.

Format, tone and general thoughts

I think the tone of the show should be light-hearted, weird, occasionally funny, and ultimately epic.  That’s what Zelda is.  I see it as Game of Thrones meets Dirk Gently, kinda.  

I personally think this should be live-action, but it doesn’t have to be, a cartoon would be cool.

I’m suggesting ten eps per season and as many seasons as possible.  In my opinion we should stay with the same Link, Zelda and Ganondorf, but there’s no real reason why the show couldn’t jump multiple generations with each season like the games do.

This treatment consists of a scene-by-scene of the pilot, and outline of episodes two and three, and basically extended log-lines for episodes four to ten.  Sorry they’re not all scene-by-scenes, it was already a lot of (fun) work to draft this and besides, I don’t think you’d want to read that much anyway.

Please bear in mind that it’s all about the execution.  These are still just ideas.  If the show was developed, things would get more complex, ledes would be excavated and everything would be amped up to make every episode as compelling as possible.  So imagine everything I say is better than it is lol.

Finally, I’ve tried to draw from / reference as many of the games as possible.  I think the show, and even this blog post, should absolutely reward fans of the franchise.

Context

We need to start off with some Hyrule Historia to set this pitch in context.  One of the things that most grounds Game of Thrones is its world’s rich history and that’s something the Zelda franchise shares.  So I want to set up some legends and lore upfront.

NB In the actual show this should not be revealed in narration or an opening scroll.  It’s primary purpose is to inform the world of Hyrule and its characters’ motivations.  It will be revealed to the audience slowly and sparingly through reference and allusion over the season.

Here we go:

Two thousand years before the events of our story, the last person to wield the power of the Triforce unified the warring tribes of the land into one principality; Hyrule.  This is not your average divide-and-conquer legend, this is something far more incredible; a conquer and unification.  The legend of an absolute badass.  The legend of Boudicca and King Arthur and Alexander the Great and William the Conqueror all rolled into one.  This is the in-world Legend of Zelda.  

That’s right, the first monarch of Hyrule was a Queen named Zelda (Breath of Wild fans: I consciously chose not to make this character the Goddess Hylia for the sake of simplicity).  Zelda brought decisive peace to the land by being unquestionably awesome, ending an ancient war between the country’s great races.  Together, the leaders of these once-warring tribes - the Gorons, the Zorras, the Ritos, Sheikah, Gerudo and the Hylians - worked with Zelda to capture the titanic, elemental monstrosities and demons they each summoned to fight on their behalf and contain them in purpose-built stone enclosures.  That’s right.  Temples.  Dungeons.  You get the idea. 

Flash forward two thousand years and this awesome history is relegated to the status of myth.  Yes, the temples still stand, but they are decrepit and overrun with flora and fauna.

These days the ancient Zelda’s direct descendent, Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, sits upon the throne.  A wise and just ruler who, in his youth, fought bravely to quash an uprising from the worshippers of Din the Destroyer, and successfully restored his subjects rights to religious freedoms without threat of persecution.  The three major religions worship alongside each other in peace once again.  

But, in recent years, the king has grown old and feeble.

OK that’s all the history stuff out of the way so we can get on with the episodes!  It’s exciting isn’t it? I’m excited!  Are you excited?  IT’S EXCITING!

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace I’m Just Kidding That’s Not The Title Of The Episode

FADE IN on a beautiful white ship (10 history points if you get this reference) as it sails the night-time waters of the Great Bay of Hyrule Channel.  There’s no moon so it’s particularly dark, and the wind is so calm the sailors have taken to the oars.

The ship is like an island of light and life in the vast, dark nothingness - think of those wide night-time shots in James Cameron’s Titanic.  But this is more jovial.  The hundred or so passengers and crew sing and whoop and holler by the light of the ship’s candles.  Everyone’s clearly having a good, wine-fuelled time. We catch a glimpse of a young / strong / handsome / regal looking dude, singled out by his unusual pensiveness in the face of all this merriment. This is Daltus, son of King Daphnes and heir to the throne of Hyrule.

CREEEAAAKKKKK what the hell was that?  For a moment, the party is silenced…..

Nothing. Phew. The singing soon continues…  But for us the soundtrack subtly clues us into a feeling of unease.  

We zoom out to a wide-shot far enough away that the ship looks like a toy and the noise of the passengers is reduced to nothing.  From here we can just about make out the coast, more than a few miles away - too far to swim - and a great stone temple, half submerged, wholly forgotten.

SUDDENLY - punching out from the black depths without warning, a great tentacle looms up over the ship. The party is thrown into silence for a beat before screams and panic erupt like an explosion.

It’s absolute pandemonium on board as a second tentacle rips into the sky on the other side of the ship.  Daltus, cool as a cucumber, pulls out his sword.  But what can he do?  Nothing.  We all know what’s coming.  

The tentacles crash down onto the deck, each with the weight of a London bus, cleaving the splintered ship in half.

We get a glimpse of the great leviathan as it pulls the crumpling ship down under the newly formed waves.  For you die-hard fans, this is GYORG.  

CUT TO a young princess holding court in her father’s throne room, hearing the plights of the townsfolk she has granted an audience to.  

Yea you guessed it, this is Zelda, and she’s clearly a smart cookie and is fair and respectful to the townsfolk she speaks with.  At her right hand is her guardian and teacher, the Aristotle to her Alexander the Great, Impa.  A middle-aged Sheikah woman.  

By the sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows (which, by the way, tell the story of the ancient Zelda (an Easter egg, not obvious)) we know it’s the following day.

In comes this dishevelled old dude who urgently recounts the story of a sunken ship… Our sunken ship! But wait, no, his account is wrong.  He says Daltus supplied the crew with drink, that doesn’t sound right.  Woah woah, what’s he saying now?  The ship’s port-side hit a submerged rock because the crew was drunk?  That’s not at all what happened!  He is the only survivor he says, well… that part could be true.

An emotional Zelda beseeches the man “What happened to Lord this and that? did he survive?”  The old man shakes his head.  “What of lady blah blah?”  he shakes his head.  She’s building up the courage to ask the question.  It’s clear from her foggy eyes, she knows the answer.  “…My brother?” HE SHAKE HE DAMN HEAD.

Devastation.  Stoic, suppressed, sure, but devastation nonetheless.  She takes a moment to swallow her grief.

“What of Lord Ganondorf?”  WELL, says the man, some disembarked before the ship set sail, not confident of the drunken crew’s ability to sail.  Ganondorf among them.

Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!

Boom.  Next scene.  We’re getting rural now.  We are nowhere near the regal Hyrule castle, this is a luscious woodland on the other side of the kingdom.

We’re looking at a badass silhouette of a heroic figure, mounted on horseback, with a sword in one (LEFT) hand and a shield in the other.  The horse takes a few steps forward into the daylight streaming in through the canopy… not so badass.  Wooden sword, toy shield.  This is not much more than a kid.  Maybe 16 or 17.

BUT SUDDENLY the horse bolts, the kid hollas a very Link-like battle cry as he jumps off the horse and descends upon what can only be described as scarecrows, crudely mocked up to look like Moblins.  

He batters them in a fun-to-watch but technically unskilled brawl, slipping over here and there.  This is not a hero.  This is a kid.  This is a dreamer.  This is, you guessed it, Link.

He’s interrupted / embarrassed by his uncle, Alfon, and reprimanded for not getting on with his chores.  We see a glimpse of farm-life and, although Link clearly loves and respects his uncle, we know for a fact Link would rather be out there adventuring.  This is Luke Skywalker in the Act I of A New Hope.   

We also meet Malon, a milkmaid with whom Link has an adorkable relationship.  She fires seeds at him from a homemade slingshot in the same way kids pull pigtails on playgrounds.  It’s cute.

Back in Hyrule town Impa is sleuthing.  She doesn’t buy the old man’s tale because she’s SMART as HELL and follows him using her Sheikah skills as he goes about his business through our Flea-Bottom-equivalent.  He goes to a dive-bar inn, a dingy brothel… gross but, as of yet, nothing out of the ordinary for a creepy old dude.  

But then, strangely, he slips into an abandoned house, looking over his shoulder more times than an honest man would.  Impa follows.  We witness him in conversation with a shadowy figure with a woman’s voice, he asks for payment - presumably in return for lying about Daltus’ ship - and holds out his hand in expectation.  Schwing.  He drops to the floor.  We’ve just witnessed this guy’s sudden and brutal execution at the hands of the shadowy figure, who is revealed to be… a Gerudo assassin (!!!) ostensibly tying up some loose ends.  I promise I won’t use the word ‘ostensibly’ again.

Now we get some real action.  The Gerudo bails and Impa launches into full-on chase mode.  They duck and dive across rooftops.  They fight in the streets.  It’s clear that Gerudos aren’t as skilled as the Sheikah in this kind of ninja acrobatics.  In her prime, Impa would own this fight, but the Gerudo assassin is younger and fitter, evening up the odds.  

Before you ask, no this is not a no-stakes CGI extravaganza like a Daniel Craig Bondtage (just invented this word, it means Bond montage) or the Assassin’s Creed movie. This is real.  It feels real.  When they jump down off even 6 foot walls, it hurts.  Remember, Impa is a middle-aged woman.

What I’m saying is: it’s a thrilling, evenly matched fight which ends when Impa seizes an opportunity to dump tackle the sucker.  The race is over.  The interrogation is ON!

Meanwhile, in the castle the aging King is sitting top-table, with Zelda at his right hand in a privy council meeting.  All of the major races are represented around the table.  

Daphnes is looking frail.  He’s clearly too weak to be out of bed, but he’s found the strength from the loss of his son and the urgency of the situation.  

In light of recent events, he’s attempting to secure Zelda as successor to the throne.  The Gerudo representative vehemently protests the idea of a woman on the throne, demanding that “your cousin, Ganondorf, is next in line.”  Plot. Thickened.

As you might expect, this goes down about as well as a piss flavoured milkshake, especially with Darunia, the Goron representative.  Zelda makes an incredible, impassioned speech, invoking the story of her ancestor and damn she’s good.  She’s an orator on Henry V’s level. She wins over passionate Darunia and the cold, logical, but ultimately nice old Rito dude.

But despite having the loyalists round the table convinced, ultimately, the consensus is an unmarried woman, even a woman descended from the great Zelda of old, cannot inherit the throne.  Out-fucking-rageous.

Just as we’re feeling that all is lost and Ganondorf will inherit the throne, Impa BURSTS into the room - thank GOD!  She’s badly beaten and bloody, but it doesn’t slow her down.  She has proof of a plot against the crown, Daltus was murdered… by Ganondorf!  Dun dun DUN!

Voices are raised around the table, shit is hitting the fan and emotions are running high.  Impa tells the story of Daltus’ voyage as we saw it only with one added detail - forces under the command of Ganondorf intentionally released a great beast of old into the bay.  Everyone is stunned.   It’s hard to believe.  The beasts… from the stories? They’re real?  They’re still alive after two thousand years? WHAT?!  

When the question of cross examining the assassin inevitably arises, however, Impa sheepishly admits that she’s dead. Oops.  The Gerudo rep feigns offense and bones the fuck outta there.  No one really knows whether to believe this or not, but Darunia is convinced.

Back at the farm we catch up with Link after his chores are all done.  He’s back in his makeshift training area, this time under the supervision of Uncle Alfon who’s equipped with a real sword and Hylian shield.  OK so maybe he isn’t the helpless Uncle Owen Skywalker of this story (is that his last name? Is Uncle Owen Anakin’s brother or Padme’s?  Don’t look that up, it’s not important.  Keep reading.)

It’s apparent that, after witnessing the woeful display of swordsmanship earlier in the day, Alfon has finally acquiesced to Link’s repeated requests for training.  And guess what?  He is skilled.  And we get to watch him FLEX in an exciting training sequence.  

Malon, just like us, is spending her free time watching this, firing the occasional seed at our hero to distract him from the spar at inopportune moments.

This really is worlds away from the capital.

In Hyrule, ya boy Ganondorf and his followers make a play for the throne, big style.  He’s obviously caught wind of the talk at the privy council, a la the Gerudo rep who left in a huff, so he’s making a move less subtle than he would have liked but he’s still keeping it within the confines of the castle. He doesn’t yet have the forces to fight an all-out war.

This is the first time we see Ganondorf on screen and let me tell you, it’s frightening.  He’s a mountain of a man / Gerudo - the absolute personification of intimidating.  And his coup is bloody.  Everyone either dies or submits.  The king is slain. It doesn’t seem like anyone has made it out the castle alive, as is Ganondorf’s plan. 

We find out Ganondorf’s motivations and the source of his followers undying devotion to him; religion.  The worshippers of Din the Destroyer were apparently unhappy with the outcome of the recent civil war, which, as we know, granted all three major religions - worshippers of Din, Nayru and Farore - the freedom to do so. The Gerudo’s, led by Ganondorf, have been drawing plans against the crown for a generation.  But we get the sense this is just a vehicle for him, his true motivation is pure, unbridled lust for power.

Ganondorf makes it clear that he intends to force Zelda to marry him to consolidate his rule. Impa defends her with all her might but is bested by him and tossed aside, presumed dead. The mere fact that Zelda wasn’t immediately down to clown is enough to send Ganondorf into brutal rage and he slaughters the kindly Rito man from the privy council.  Zelda is imprisoned as the new regime takes hold.

Daaaaaamn son.

Back on the farm.  Rumour of the coup has already got around, but no one much cares except for those who remember the civil war, and yea that includes captain badass Uncle Alfon.

A traveller arrives, an old war buddy of Alfon’s.  He speaks of a rebellion led by the Goron, Darunia.  He must’ve made it out of the castle alive!  Alfon is totally up for knocking some heads and packs up his shit, takes the sword and shield and the horse Link was riding when we were first introduced to him.  This is an emotional moment.  Link is desperate to join but Alfon shoots him down, he is, after all, only a kid.  A kid who sucks at fighting.  Gotta commend him for his bravery though.

Alfon goes to war once again, entrusting the farm to Link and Malon.

Some time later, at the castle, Ganondorf is out quashing the uprising.  We follow a mysterious figure as he, or she, makes her way through the castle ninja-Sheikah-style, dragging a limp body along for the ride.  Fans of the series will recognise this character from their clothing.  This is Sheik.  And Sheik is rad.  

Sheik fucks up some guards and escapes the castle in a stealthy-cool sequence leading all the way out to Hyrule field, where he witnesses Ganondorf return victorious with prisoners in tow - including Darunia and Uncle Alfon.

Ganondorf orders the prisoners be taken to a concentration camp at Kakariko Village, and Darunia be sealed “in the mountain”.  As the prisoner convoy leaves, Sheik and her limp friend surreptitiously hitch a ride.

Meanwhile, at the farm, there are clearly wide-ranging consequences as a result of the coup.  Taxes have been raised.  Goods are seized by Ganondorf’s marauding forces.  Shit’s bad son.

Link is doing his chores half heartedly, head clearly stuck on the fact he’s not heard anything of his uncle’s rebellion.  He thinks about setting out to find Alfon but Malon talks him down.

All of a sudden, a ripple of shock / horror rips through the little rural community they’re within.  The traveller - Alfon’s war buddy - has returned, on Alfon’s horse.  Everyone who looks upon him is stunned.  He looks like shit.  

He shares the fate of the rebellion with Link, including that they have been taken to the concentration camp at Kakariko Village, and abruptly dies of his wounds. 

That’s it.  Link’s mind is made up. He packs a bag with food, grabs his wooden sword a shield and gets ready to set off on an epic quest.  

Just before he leaves, Malon, tears in her eyes, tries one last time to beg him to stay.  But she sees there’s no use in it.  She tosses him her slingshot.

“It’s dangerous to go alone.  Take this.”

FADE OUT 

DAAAAAMN son.

If you’ve stuck it out this far, good work.  Thank you.  I appreciate your attention.  

Honestly, I’m amazed you made it past the first paragraph, you know, the one about the shit that’s in my pants.  

Let’s keep going.  And sorry for bringing up my shitty pants again.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones ok I guess we’re sticking with this Star Wars thing, sorry, I hate it too

Link travels through the dangerous open land of Hyrule in the direction of Kakariko village but is pretty much immediately discovered by Ganondorf’s (human) marauding forces.  He draws his wooden shield and they are immediately destroyed by the biggest, meanest marauder in the gang.  They erupt in laughter.  He draws his slingshot.  The marauders absolutely crack up, they can’t breathe, who is this kid?  Link fires, straight up blinding the grizzly one.  

Not so funny anymore.

Link is overpowered and bundled into a mobile-cell with a young Goron, Darbus, and a sheikah child named Granté.  Crucial allies going forward obviously.  

Anyway, as prisoners, guess where they’re going?  That’s right, the concentration camp at Kakariko village – exactly where we wanted to go.  Lucky…. Kind of.  

We arrive at Kakariko, a village on the foot of Death Mountain, and it’s like nothing we’ve seen yet.  It’s a totally ransacked settlement, entirely overtaken by Ganondorf’s forces a la Tywin Lannister’s occupation of Harrenhal.  But it’s not just a prison, it’s clearly the base of operations for some kind of mining / weapon smelting operation with armed workers travelling up and down Death Mountain trail.

Link learns the hard way that there’s consequences to blinding people that are bigger than you and is beaten, bloodied and bruised.  He’s about to give up hope as he is thrown into a squalid little cell, overfull with other prisoners.   One of whom is ALFON!  WE LOVE THAT GUY!  HELL YEAH!

But Alfon has been badly injured and in such disgusting conditions, without any form of medical treatment, his wound has become infected.  It’s pretty clear this dude is gonna die, and boy is it emotional.  Link’s crying, you’re crying, I’m crying.  There’s not a dry eye in the house.  Or even outside the house.   

With his dying words, Alfon manages to instill in Link a powerful need to avenge him and an immense sense of duty to ‘save Princess Zelda’.  Alfon urges Link to escape and raise another rebellion. To do so, he is told, he will need Darunia’s support.

With renewed enthusiasm, Link makes an attempt at escape.  And, you know what?  He’s actually successful, making it all the way to the armoury, where he grabs his slingshot and leaves his wooden sword and shield in favour of his uncle’s steel equivalent.  Oh shit, my boy EQUIPPED.

Covert as hell, he saves Darbus and Granté and together they make a break for the gates leading to the Death Mountain trail.  Meanwhile, in the darkness and unnoticed by our heroes, shadowy figures silently take out guards here and there.

The gang is on the home straight now, they’re about to make a break for it when suddenly they spot guards up ahead.  Slowly and quietly they try to pass them without being noticed when a chicken trots up and pecks Link’s boot.  He tries to wordlessly shoo it away, but it keeps pecking.  In a moment of frustration, he boots it one.  

Bad idea.  

Scores of chickens swoop in and go nuts attacking Link, drawing the attention of the guards.  The chickens flutter off and the real fight is on.  This time, equipped with a real sword and shield, Link is actually pretty effective, as are Granté and Darbus (who is literally a walking rock).  You’d have thought they just might win if it weren’t for the 15 extra guards joining the fray.  OH SHIT!

Just as it seems all is lost, the guards drop dead.  What the hell?  The shadowy figures emerge and are revealed to be… a Sheikah clan led by SHEIK and IMPA!  

The prisoners are liberated and everyone rejoices.  Big Act III party and debrief.  You get the idea.

FADE OUT 

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith I guess

Some days later, the Sheikah have set up something of a honey trap at Kakariko village, where marauders bring their prisoners only to be ambushed by the liberated milita.  They are running a pretty tight ship and have blocked passage to Death Mountain.  

It’s immediately apparent that the Sheikah in charge - i.e. Impa and Sheik - do not think much of Link.

Fortunately, Granté is able to convince them to grant him and Darbus passage through to Death Mountain trail.  Granté elects to stay behind for the time being to help this little resistance movement and be with his people.  Goodbye Granté, it’s been nice.

Our B story in this ep splits off here.  After Link and Darbus leave, we follow Sheik, who is revealed to be Zelda in disguise.  As she deftly interrogates Ganondorf’s forces, she uncovers some stake-raising info about a prophecy Ganondorf is trying to fulfil that sees her head off in the direction of Dragon Roost, homeland of the Rito.  But while she’s gone, the Sheikah lose control of the village and there’s a big ol’ brawl on.  This is weaved in throughout the episode; I’ve just summarised here for time.   

Back to the A story.  The Death Mountain trail is testing.  It’s increasingly steep.  The paths are old and treacherous.  They pass a lot of huge boulders.  They encounter some of Ganondorf’s forces who have been trapped up the mountain since the Sheikah revolt.   

They eventually make it to the entrance of one of the ancient temples but It’s blocked by a big – and I mean big rock – that is just impossible to move.  I know what you’re thinking, If only Link had some magic gauntlets… well HE DOESN’T FOLKS.  This is insurmountable.  He’s not going to surmount this one.  Because it’s insurmountable.   

As night falls, the two dejected friends set up camp and we get to know our characters a little better as they share stories around a campfire.  Time for a LIGHT touch of exposition which will be worked in really well:

Darbus explains that Gorons, like the Gerudo, worship the fire-god, Din, but they were happy to live in peace with the worshippers of Nayru and Farore.  This is why Darunia took Ganondorf’s seizing-of-the-throne-on-religious-grounds so personally.  

We also find out that Goron’s are really hard to kill, they are rocks after all, and this is why Ganondorf has elected to lock Darunia away instead of doing the obvious thing.   But this fact is weird because, there’s almost no Gorons left, they’re kind of an endangered species.

While Darbus is telling a particularly demonstrative story, dramatised by the long shadows cast by the torch he hold in his hand, he accidentally holds the fire too close to the big rock.  Not normally an issue, but this time…

THE BIG ROCK WAKES UP YO.  IT’S A GIANT GORON!  HELL YEAH!  OH WAIT, shit, he’s a bit grumpy about being woken up / burnt on the ass cheek.  Cue a massive, awesome stomp and dodge sequence - well Link dodges, Dalbus gets stomped right into the ground.  It’s cool and funny and we’ve never seen anything like it on TV before.

Anyway, once the giant goron has properly woken up, we find out his name is Daruk and he’s actually a nice guy.  He’s been asleep since not much after the first age (near the time of the original Zelda) and he’s pretty mad to hear about Ganondorf and Darunia etc. and the thought that he might have been picked up and moved to block the entrance is particularly offensive to him.  

He let’s them pass and goes on his own quest to wake up his brothers - all the boulders lying around the place.

FADE OUT

OK folks we’re moving onto much shorter outlines from here on out, should be quicker to get through.  Hope you can stick with me!

Episode 4: A New Hope

A Story - the fire temple:  Link and Darbus face a road of trials in the fire temple as they try to find and recover Darunia.  They discover a large boulder and Link does everything he can to wake it up, including whispering sweet things to it.  But it turns out to be just a boulder.  Darbus calls him a racist.  They eventually find Darunia, who is crushed by his recent defeat and doesn’t believe he can raise the forces to take on Ganondorf.  Together they fight a giant Dodongo, one of the titanic beasts of old.  It’s extremely cool and difficult but they somehow pull it off.  They emerge victorious to find Daruk has raised something of an army of Gorons.  Game on.

B Story - Her name was Rito and she dances in the sand:  Zelda makes her way to Dragon Roost which, by the way, is like, another mountain, slightly smaller and different in shape to Death Mountain, and with a giant egg on top of it.   She’s there to parley with the Rito Queen, Medli - who is only about 10 years old - about being granted access to their records (Rito are like, natural librarians) to learn more about this whole prophecy thing.  But Medli is a capricious little brat who’s pretty annoyed about her father, the kindly old Rito dude, being killed in Zelda’s presence and blames her for it.

C Story - Ganondorf’s diary:  Some political-intrigue here as the new administration makes plans to unify the land under Ganondorf.  We get an insight into Ganondorf’s plan.  Something about the Triforce, a shadow realm, and something about him being a vessel for something something, I think he said… Ganon.

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back yep we’re still doing this star wars thing

A Story - off to see the sea: Link and the Goron army head down to Kakariko and CRUSH the revolt of Ganondorf’s forces, saving Impa and the rest of the Sheikah.  They hatch a plan to raise armies all over the land to rebell against Ganondorf.  The Gorons stay behind to build their numbers and strength in that area of the map.  Link visits Alfon in the slightly-over-flowing Kakariko graveyard before setting off in the direction of the Great Bay with Impa where they find all Zorra-hands are on deck trying to deal with the GYORG situation.

B Story - Des-pa-Rito: Zelda is charged with the murder of the Rito king and fights extremely effectively in a trial-by-combat.  By winning, she gains the respect of Medli and is granted access to their records.  Zelda discovers a prophecy about GANON, an other-worldy beast of great power and the enemy of the Zelda of old.  She suspects Ganondorf plans to summon him into our realm and she’s dead set on stopping him.  She also learns of the Master Sword, the only worldly sword that can damage the beast and which once belonged to her ancestor.  It was last left in a sacred temple what is now an overgrown ancient woodland.  

C Story - Going Ganon: In a sick, bloody ritual, like the dead body parts of wildlings in ep 1 of GoT, Ganondorf unseals Ganon’s ethereal prison, and is possessed by it, granting him absolute knowledge of the Triforce and how to attain it.

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi

A Story - water temple: Impa intuitively believes there’s something in the temple that can be used to restrain GYORG and sends Link in after it.  The whole place is booby-trapped to hell because, you know, you’re not supposed to go in there.   

B Story - More like burRito: Zelda presents her findings to Medli but, although she has forgiven Zelda, she refuses to aid in the upcoming war against Ganondorf.  Zelda sends a messenger bird back to where she thinks Impa is - Kakariko - and heads off in the direction of the ancient woodland.  Before she can get there, she is accosted by a band of Gerudos.  They don’t recognise her in her Sheik gear so she pretends to join them and it works for a while, but, right at the end of the ep, her secret is discovered.  Cliffhanger. 

C Story - a mission from a god: Ganondorf / Ganon now knows he needs to unite with Zelda and Link to seal the deal and take control of the Triforce.

Episode 7: The (Tri)Force Awakens see what I did there

A Story - gone fishing: Impa’s hunch was right and Link is successful in retrieving an ancient, gigantic trawling net.  Together they engage GYORG and ultimately recapture it.

B Story - Getting Gerdoed: Zelda makes a break for the ancient woodlands.  She fights, runs, fights s’more and is ultimately captured by the Gerudos before she can find the sword.  She is marched to Hyrule castle.

C Story - an army and a leggy: Ganon’s machinations get interrupted when he gets wind of a large Goron army at Kakariko.  His own forces have grown in strength and number by now so he’s not too worried.  They march. 

Episode 8: The Last Jedi (we’re running low on ep titles)

A Story - team building:  With GYORG back in his play pen, Impa and Link attempt to secure the Zorra’s support in the upcoming war with Ganondorf.   

B Story - home sweet home: Zelda is returned to Hyrule castle and locked up a bit tighter than last time.

C Story - war boys: Ganon’s forces march to Kakariko en masse, ready to break necks and cash cheques, when Ganon receives a message that Zelda is captured.  He leaves the army and heads back to the castle.

Episode 9: Episode IX yea I know but this is genuinely the working title of it though

A Story - the master sword: Link and Impa set off to Kakariko, arriving as Ganondorf’s forces get there.  The war is about to begin when Impa receives Zelda’s message which has been waiting for her there since two episodes ago.  She learns about the prophecy and sends Link to the ancient woodlands to find the Master Sword.  In the woodlands, Link is accosted by a Yoda-on-Degoba-level-annoying Skullkid.  The SkullKid is mischievous and annoying but ultimately leads Link to the Master Sword.

B Story - the smell of napalm in the morning: The war kicks off.  Filmed like the Battle of the Bastards but following Link’s various allies from throughout the season.  Even with their rock-hard bods, the Gorons are being overpowered.  But then the Zorras arrive and it evens out the odds.

C Story - creepy cousin: Ganon and Zelda have an intense chat.  He reveals his plans, but not in a traditional James Bond villain way.  In a cool and also sensical way.  LIGHT exposition.

Episode 10: The Force Shits its Pants I made this title up but it’s what the tenth star wars film should be called imo

A Story - Tri forced: Link arrives.  This is the first time he gets to be face-to-face with Ganondorf and even Zelda out of her Sheik costume.  Zelda is like “YOU? You’re the hero Ganondorf’s been going on about?  The dumbass from Kakariko?”  Link is like “Well… excuse me, princess.”  The fight starts and Link is battered.  He immediately loses.  Of course he does.  He’s not even that good at fighting.  Ganondorf takes possession of the Triforce and his physical form takes that of Ganon’s.  A shockwave explodes out from the castle, terraforming the world into the Dark Realm (think: the Upside Down from Stranger Things)…

B Story - the big fight: The Goron, Zorra, Sheikah alliance is winning when a wave of darkness envelopes them.  Marauders turn into moblins like a werewolf in the full moon, Gerudo transform into flying beasts.  The air support in particular gives the forces of evil an edge and the balance sways yet again… fuck.

A Story: Link refuses to stop fighting, even though Ganondorf has become the great beast that is Ganon.  But he’s still getting his ass handed to him.  

B Story:  The Rito arrive and even up the odds again.

A Story: Zelda distracts Ganon and Link is able to drive the sword into his mouth and win. Ganondorf dies, the Dark Realm recedes back into itself taking Ganon with it.

Epilogue:  Order is restored.  Zelda becomes queen.  Race relations are at an all time high.  Link returns home to Malon.  Big party.

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Post credit sequence: In the woodland, the Skullkid accosts another traveller in the same way he accosted Link.  But this traveller is… a creepy mask salesman.

FADE OUT!

Phew, wow.  That’s a wrap folks. Well done.  If you got this far, seriously, thank you.  Now follow me on twitter.

Mike xxx