#they were the epitome of conventionally attractive girl

[ishouldsleepbut]

saw an old picture of myself and just...wow.

[jimxnslight]

Chapter 3: Stalker [M]

Summary: “A manwhore and a junkie… it’s a match made in heaven.”

Pairing: Park Jimin x Reader

Genre: High School au, angst

Word Count: 7.4k

Warnings: 18+, substance use disorder/drug addiction, PTSD, child abuse, additional warnings might be added as story progresses.

A/N: Sorry for taking so long to update, my motivation has just been so bad because of uni. And now with exams coming up, I can't really promise anything, but after my exams are over I'll definitely be more active!

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“God, I want you to absolutely wreck me.”

The bedroom suddenly quieted, its dim lighting beginning to wrap around the walls and furniture of the room to form an uncomfortably suffocating atmosphere. Or maybe Jimin was just projecting his own deteriorating feelings onto the innocent space. He was well aware that his mind shouldn’t have latched onto the words of the innocent woman he currently had pinned to his bed, shouldn’t have started picturing her wishes in his head, yet he couldn’t stop it. He’s never been able to stop it. But that didn’t stop him from trying every time. 

The more he envisioned the actions, the more he could feel those familiar ghostly hands crawl up his spine. His mind grasped at something, anything else to focus on. 

In his desperation, his unsteady gaze dropped to the girl beneath him. She was the epitome of conventionally attractive, with long, light brown hair sprawled around his mattress and dainty facial features. Modelling agencies would probably die for this girl if she gave them a chance. 

But at the moment she was just a distraction. Or at least she had been, until she had opened her mouth. 

The logical part of him tried to remind himself that her words were just that: words. She was just a horny girl expressing her preferences. It made sense, considering what they were about to do. And if anything, Jimin appreciated it when women told him what they wanted. It made his life a lot easier. 

But those particular wishes churned uneasily in his stomach as he felt the hands continue to travel up his spine, finding a cosy spot on his neck. His heartbeat, which had been racing for an entirely different reason, now thumped painfully in his chest as it quickened in pace. 

This can’t be happening right now, he thought with a mixture of frustration and desperation. 

Jimin pushed the impending, but familiar, feeling aside, choosing instead to focus on Emily.

That had clearly been a mistake.

“Like, tie me down. Choke me. Use me like a freaking slut. I swear I haven’t been railed in weeks,” she continued while running her fingers through his hair, completely oblivious to Jimin’s deteriorating state.

The feelings he had shoved aside pounded against his poorly constructed dam, fueled by the implications of Emily’s words. He could feel the ghostly hands press harder against his neck, labouring his breathing in the process. It was a telltale sign of the panic that had become so familiar to him. He knew now that there was no escaping this episode, no matter how hard he tried to steady his breathing and calm his nerves. 

What he needed to do was get out of here. 

“Those are a lot of demands to cover in one morning,” he said with a forced chuckle, hoping his voice wasn’t as shaky as he felt, “give me a minute, I’ll be right back.”

Before Emily could protest, Jimin slipped off the bed and half stumbled into his bathroom, just barely managing to lock the door.

And just like that, the dam broke. 

Jimin collapsed onto the tiled floor, desperately trying to get some air into his lungs as memories started to flood his mind. They flashed before him like a montage, nightmare after nightmare stealing his ability to breath. At first, he was back in his childhood home, watching his father push his mother down a flight of stairs while screaming at her like a madman. Jimin could feel his heart racing in his chest as he wondered if she was dead. 

But before he could run to her, his memories moved onto the day his father found out his wife had left. Jimin hadn’t even registered the fact that he’d never see his mother again before his father was on him, shouting at him while his hands enclosed around his neck harder. 

Then he was in his old bedroom, watching the bat in his hands crash into his father’s head as he heard a feminine scream. There was blood everywhere, in the room, on his hands. He tried to wipe it off frantically as it burned his skin, but it didn’t matter. The more he wiped off, the more it spread up his arms. 

All he could do was sit helplessly on the floor of the bathroom, head between his knees, as he shook uncontrollably and gasped for air. But the air wouldn’t come. It was like the ghostly hands had finally succeeded in crushing his windpipe and he could no longer fill his lungs. 

Jimin lurched forward suddenly, feeling his heart hammer painfully in his chest. He swore this time was different. 

He swore this time he was going to die. 

His hand slapped desperately against the counter before it made contact with smooth metal. Relieved, his fingers wrapped around it, pulling it upwards until he could hear the faint sounds of water rushing out of the faucet. He tried to aim his attention to the sound of the water spewing out of the tap, listening intently to the way it sputtered out of the circular piece of metal. Then he focused on the water splashing against the smooth marble sink, running against it momentarily before it was swallowed up by the drain. He could hear the water crash against the pipes under his sink as they whisked the water away. 

It took him what felt like hours to really focus on the sound, letting it sooth him as much as it could. Jimin imagined his memories and panic seeping down the drain alongside it, the black plastic pipes guiding them far away from himself and his house. His breathing started getting a little easier with every passing moment as the memories of his father began to seep back into the locked portion of his mind. 

With small pockets of air now able to enter his lungs, Jimin managed to bring his hand down to the floor. He dragged two of his fingers against it in circles, focusing on the cold of the tile seeping into his fingertips and the rough line of grout between them. He inhaled as his finger met one half of the circle, stalling there for a moment, before exhaling as he completed the round. 

When Jimin finally felt himself calm, only the remnants of a few mild tremors left, he let his back drop against the glass side of his walk-in shower with a sigh. A lingering soreness was spreading throughout his chest as he felt his sweat-soaked shirt stick to his back. Although he was more than familiar with episodes like these, he couldn’t help but wonder why this one had been so particularly bad. 

Either way, the “attack” had left him exhausted, to the point that Jimin almost considered skipping school today. It was especially tempting, considering how much Taehyung had been bothering him recently about the therapy and whether it was working. Jimin had to remind him that he had only gone to one session, though he didn’t mention just how much he had hated it. 

But Jimin knew that there were a few concepts he needed to clarify in his first class, so ditching school was out of the question. 

Not to mention, Jimin’s second period had gotten a lot more interesting when the school had decided to transfer him to a different class because of a few scheduling issues. Particularly your presence had intrigued him, because he was so confused as to how he’d never noticed you before. Sure, Jimin had only been attending this school for the past two years, but he still found it hard to believe that the two of you had never crossed paths. He’d have definitely remembered if that were the case. You were, without a doubt, the most attractive woman he’d ever met, there was no way he would have overlooked a face like that.

Jimin stretched forward, just barely managing to close the faucet without having to get up from his position on the floor. You were fun to tease, and definitely something during sex. Jimin didn’t think he’d ever enjoyed sex as much as he had with you. 

His gaze dropped as he remembered the bottle that had been clutched in your hand that night at Taehyung’s house. It had been a shock to him that you were using, even though technically he was well aware he didn’t know you at all. He wondered if your addiction stopped at Adderall, or did you do more than just that? He hoped you didn’t, for your sake. 

Jimin had wanted to say something about it when he had dropped you off, encourage you to choose a different path for yourself. But he couldn’t seem to find the right words. He had used them all up when his father was still alive, none of which were successful of course. So instead he had walked away, guilt nibbling away at him with every step. 

“Jimin?”

Jimin’s head snapped towards the door as Emily’s muffled voice passed through it. He had practically forgotten that she was still there, too wrapped up in his panic and then his thoughts to remember that she’d probably been waiting for him to come back to his bed. He knew he couldn’t do it. She clearly wanted things that he just couldn’t give her. The prospect of having to explain some lousy excuse to her suddenly made him exhausted all over again. 

But thankfully Emily spoke up again before he could reply, “look, my first class starts soon and I can’t miss it. I guess we’ll have to do this another time.” 

He could hear the disappointment in her tone before he listened to the sound of her footsteps as she walked out of his bedroom, followed by the sound of his front door shutting quickly. When he was sure she was gone, he stood from his spot and made his way to his bedroom, picking up his phone to confirm the time. Emily wasn’t wrong, his first class was starting soon. He would have to get going as well. 

Jimin walked back to his bathroom, standing in front of the mirror above the sink. His gaze scanned the damp, rust-coloured hair sticking to his forehead, and then the beads of sweat travelling down his neck. He grimaced. First, he needed a shower.

-

-

-

Jiwoo was in a mood. 

You had begun to suspect as much at the end of your first class, when she had kicked your bag while stomping out of the classroom. Although Jiwoo was always pulling stunts like that, she’d usually accompany it with an irritating taunt or mocking expression. But it wasn’t until right before second period, when she had purposely bumped into the open pencil case on your desk to scatter it all over the floor, when you became certain.

Jiwoo was in a mood. 

You watched her drop into her seat near the front of the class with an angry huff, uncharacteristically not even bothering to spare you a fake “oops.” Normal Jiwoo was far from a saint, but god did annoyed Jiwoo unlock a different type of rage in you. Her irritation made you wonder how her parents’ divorce was going. Probably not great, if her mood today was anything to go on. 

With an annoyed sigh, you slipped off your chair and lowered yourself to the floor to focus on collecting your things, trying to calm your raging heartbeat and shaking hands in the process. You weren’t sure whether it was because of Jiwoo or the Ritalin. This was your third day on Ritalin even though you had vowed to never take the stuff again. You didn’t really have much of a choice. There was still no news on Yoongi, which meant you were still out of Adderall. And although Ritalin made you crazy with nerves, it still somehow managed to help you focus on your schoolwork. Not to mention you’d much rather be a jittery mess than the dead zombie that your Adderall crash had reduced you to.

Unfortunately, until you could get your hands on some Adderall, Ritalin was your only option. 

You shoved the last of your supplies into your pencil case, brows furrowing when you noticed that you were missing your eraser. But one scan of the floor showed no sign of the white rubber. 

You checked under your desk and then your chair, wondering where it could have disappeared to.

It wasn’t until a pair of black dress shoes and grey dress pants appeared in your line of sight when you realised where your eraser had gone. 

“Looking for something?” Jimin asked in a teasing tone, holding out your white eraser between the tips of his index and middle fingers. 

Your gaze reluctantly travelled up to his smug face, the feeling of annoyance a natural response to his presence at this point. 

“Stealing my car wasn’t enough? Now you want my eraser too?”

Jimin’s head tilted for a moment before he rested a hand on your desk and leaned forward so that his next words could only be heard by you. 

“Why would I want anything more when I’ve already got you on your knees for me, kitten?”

You rolled your eyes, ignoring the tempting view of his sharp jawline, before grabbing your pencil case and pushing yourself off of the ground. Leave it to Jimin to turn every instance into an opportunity to flirt. 

“Weren’t you the one that said I had to ask for sex the next time I wanted it? What happened to that?” You asked with a low voice before taking back your eraser. 

“I never said I couldn’t be tempting.”

Then, to your surprise, Jimin dropped into the empty desk beside yours instead of his usual seat behind you. It took you a second to register the sudden change, and then another to eye him weirdly. 

But before you could ask him what he was doing, Mr. Kim walked into the classroom just as the bell rang. The students rushed to their seats to bring out their textbooks, some of the girls swooning over the alleged new shirt he was wearing. You took your seat quickly, sending Jimin a glare in the process. 

Taehyung hurried into the room just after Mr. Kim, slipping unnoticeably past him before dropping into his usual seat. His eyebrows furrowed for a moment when he noticed Jimin wasn’t sitting next to him, and then they furrowed even further when he realised where he was actually sitting. 

“Come on man, what happened to bros before hoes?” He muttered under his breath. You almost laughed at his sulky expression.

Mr. Kim began writing the lesson on the whiteboard, “please turn to page 245.”

You turned to the page alongside the rest of the class as Jimin did the same, distantly noticing your leg bouncing up and down unconsciously. 

Mr. Kim turned back to the class, beginning the lesson by explaining the concepts on the page he had instructed everyone to turn to. He was one of the better teachers, so you were easily able to understand the seemingly complex concepts.  

That was until Jimin started annoying you, just like he had been doing in class for the past few days. It was always small things, like sneakily drawing random doodles in your notebook when you weren’t looking or stealing your pencil every so often. It took everything in you not to throw your eraser at his face. Instead, you dragged your notebook and supplies to the other side of your desk with a huff.

That just made him laugh, one he had to muffle with his hands so Mr. Kim didn’t call him out. 

The class went on like this, a mixture of evading Jimin’s antics while simultaneously trying to understand the lesson being taught by Mr. Kim. You honestly had to applaud the guy for being able to escape Mr. Kim’s gaze for so long. He was notoriously known for being an observant teacher, and because of that you were sure he knew a lot more student secrets than he let on. 

However, Jimin’s antics had to come to an abrupt end when Mr. Kim placed his whiteboard marker down and faced the class, seemingly finished with teaching the lesson. He called up two students, handing them both stacks of papers to hand out to the rest of the class. 

“Your next assignment will consist of a presentation closely resembling a seminar, where each group will be expected to accurately teach the class on an assigned topic,” he explained, characteristically professional and thoughtful with his words, “since the goal of this assignment will be to facilitate understanding, I will be expecting the incorporation of some creative elements in order to keep the presentation engaging in addition to being informative.”

One of the students that had been handing out the mini booklets finally reached you and Jimin, handing the two of you one each before moving onto Taehyung. 

“The booklets in front of you go over the details pertaining to this assignment. Therefore, I expect you all to read through them thoroughly to avoid losing marks over small mistakes.”

Mr. Kim suddenly smiled, “although, with this being your senior year I doubt you all require such a reminder anyway.”

You watched Jiwoo’s hand shoot into the air as you tried to keep Jimin’s hands off your booklet. Mr. Kim nodded towards her before she spoke, “will we get to choose our own groups?”

“No, I will be assigning the groups, as well as the topics,” he replied, earning him a number of whines and groans. But Mr. Kim merely chuckled, amused, but not willing to change his mind. 

He then turned to the first row of students, grouping them in pairs based on their seating. You groaned inwardly when you realised the pattern he was going by and who, in that case, would end up being your partner. 

“Jimin and Y/N,” Mr. Kim grouped, but then paused when he noticed Taehyung sitting without the deskmate, “and Taehyung.”

“Mr. Kim,” Jiwoo said once again, but this time you rolled your eyes knowing what she was going to bring up, “isn’t it unfair that one group has three students? That will lessen their workload compared to everyone else!”

You noticed Jiwoo send you a mocking smile for a moment, clearly trying to incite you.

Witch. 

“You may rest assured, Ms. Kim. I will ensure everything is as fair as possible,” he reassured with a small smile. But Jiwoo just slid down in her seat, annoyed that her plan to make your life harder had pretty much failed. 

You wished she turned around so you could send her your fakest smile. On one hand was Jiwoo, the most annoying witch in existence, and then on another hand was Jimin, the most annoying jerk in existence. 

What has your life come to?

When the bell finally rang and Mr. Kim dismissed the class, you crumpled one of your rough pieces of paper and threw it at Jimin’s face with a glare. 

It wasn’t much, but boy did it make you feel better. 

“What was that for?” He asked, failing miserably at stifling a laugh. 

“You know what.”

Ignoring Jimin’s amused glance, you packed your bag as your classmates began to chat with each other and started making their way to the cafeteria. You wouldn’t be heading there, though, since you usually spent your breaks in the library studying. It just felt better to get all your work out of the way so you could go home and just sleep for hours. 

You walked out of the classroom, thankful that you could finally get away from the annoying thing known as Park Jimin, and then began walking to the library. The hallways were full of students relaxing and playing around with each other, making you think of Namjoon. He was away on some trip for a maths competition. Or maybe it was for a science competition? Either way, he was off doing his nerd stuff, so you couldn’t invite him to hang out after you finished studying. 

You made it to the library’s front desk, sending a smile to the main librarian who returned it sweetly. 

“Hello, have the study room schedules been made yet?” You asked. 

She answered your question with a nod and, after giving her your name, she began searching the computer for your schedule.  

Since the demand for the very limited number of study rooms in the library was so high, the school had decided to come up with a schedule system for the students that wished to use them, because a first come, first serve approach would be much too “barbaric” for a private school of course. Each student was given a schedule for which study room they were assigned to and when they could use it. 

“Hi, can I get my study schedule please?” A voice asked, “my name is Park Jimin.”

Your gaze snapped to your side, finding Jimin standing right next to you. 

Seriously?

“So you’ve resorted to stalking me now?” You asked, causing Jimin to turn to you with a surprised expression. 

When his gaze fell on you, he grinned. 

“How come I’m the stalker? You could very well be the one stalking me,” he said. 

Before you could reply, the librarian walked back to her desk and handed you and Jimin your printed schedules. The two of you thanked her before walking over to the library’s elevator while looking them over. 

Thankfully, you were scheduled for a study room on Wednesdays during break, so you didn’t have to find somewhere else to study at the moment. 

You eyed Jimin when he followed you into the elevator, watching as he pressed the button to the floor you were also going to. The two of you seemed to be finding yourselves in each other’s presence a lot lately. It made you groan inwardly, knowing that the semester had only just begun.

It was like having a second Jiwoo since you and her were usually thrown together a lot due to your familial ties, but at least Jimin didn’t kick your bag or slap your pencil case to the ground. That earned him at least a few more points in your book.

The book’s name? “The Most Annoying People in Kim Y/N’s Life,” of course.

The elevator door dinged as it revealed the hallway of the second floor. Jimin walked out of it first, unfortunately taking a right into the hallway, which was the same way you were going. 

You followed him reluctantly.

“Who’s following who now, kitten?” He said with a smirk, an eyebrow raised at you. 

You simply huffed, “shut up.”

You didn’t bother to come up with a better comeback. All you had to do was make it to your study room, then you could finally get rid of him. This day had been filled with way too much Jimin, and you were actually looking forward to doing homework in a nice and quiet room over having to deal with his annoying butt. 

Jimin continued through the hallway until he stopped in front of the door to the farthest study room from the elevator. The action made your eyes widen.

“No,” you denied immediately, stomping over to him before grabbing his schedule from his hand, “no way. There’s no way.”

Your mouth fell open as you took in his schedule, almost exactly identical to your own. The only day in which your and Jimin’s schedules didn’t align was Monday. Only one out of the five days of school in a week would you be free of him. No way. There was no way this was possible. Of all the insane things…

While you were distracted, a confused Jimin took your own schedule from your hands, looking over it curiously. It only took him a second to figure out what your issue was, but when he did, he couldn’t help himself. 

Jimin burst into a fit of laughter. 

“Stop laughing, this isn’t funny,” you whined, smacking the paper against his head. That only made him laugh harder as he fell to the floor with a hand clutching his stomach. 

“Guess we’re stuck with each other now,” Jimin managed through his laughter. 

You rolled your eyes, choosing instead to walk past him into the room. Fine, if you were going to be stuck with him, then you were just going to have to ignore his presence completely. It was the only ray of hope in your seemingly continuous misery. 

You dropped into a seat at the large table, spreading your work out as you opened your laptop and began typing furiously against the innocent keys. 

After a few minutes Jimin walked into the room, closing it behind him before he thankfully dropped into a chair away from yours and brought out his own work. You risked a glance upwards, catching a smirk on his lips that made your blood boil. 

Your eyes stayed glued to your screen after that. 

You expected him to annoy you the same way he had during your second period class by stealing your pencils or throwing a paper plane at you, but instead he remained focused on his work for a full half an hour straight. That came as a surprise to you because you honestly hadn’t been expecting him to be very studious. Maybe it was because he had annoyed you during class. Or maybe it was because you had unintentionally believed in the stereotype against guys that slept around. Either way, it was surprising when you managed to get through half an hour worth of work without any disturbances. 

After half an hour, though, Jimin sighed, leaning back in his chair as he stretched his arms behind him. He’d taken off his blazer, so you could see the defined lines of his muscles stretch under his dress shirt. Your straying gaze quickly shot back to your screen, but not before Jimin had noticed your curious eyes. He smirked. 

You were able to work for a few more minutes before Jimin suddenly leaned forward, eyeing you curiously. 

“So,” he said, causing you to turn your head towards him questionably, “how did your dad end up reacting?”

 You furrowed your eyebrows, “what?”

“After the party, when you came home after midnight. I’m surprised he wasn’t already standing on the porch with a shotgun ready.”

You snorted, unable to imagine your dad doing that, “my dad’s not like that.”

“Oh, so he was cool with it and everything?” He asked. 

You shifted in your seat, “no… I mean, I don’t know. He wasn’t home that night.”

Jimin nodded, “business trip?”

“Kind of. He’s a truck driver,” you explained, a little weirded out by the suddenly normal conversation but still appreciating the unexpected break from your work, “he’s usually only home on weekends. Otherwise he’s out driving across the country.”

Jimin’s eyes widened, “so he leaves you alone during the entire week? And sometimes he doesn’t even come back on the weekends?”

You shrugged, finding it odd how surprised Jimin looked, “yeah? I’m not a kid, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Jimin’s gaze dropped to the table in front of him, seemingly deep in thought. But you noticed a slight scowl in his features. 

Weird. 

You shifted to face Jimin, a question coming to mind, “but why are you only asking about my dad?”

Jimin didn’t look up from the table, “I heard what that girl said about your mom last Friday… I just kind of assumed…”

The room quieted into what felt like an awkward silence. You had the feeling that something you said had cut the surprisingly normal conversation short, but there was nothing you said that could have offended him so you didn’t really understand why that was. 

You turned back to your work, brushing against the touchpad to light up your laptop’s screen once again. After sending one final curious glance at Jimin, you went back to your work. 

But Jimin was clearly lost in thought. 

-

-

-

The first thing Jimin noticed when he walked into the room was Lauren, who was sitting on one of the beige sofas situated next to the glass coffee table. She had been looking down at the binder she had shown him in their last session, reading over something intently before the sound of the door opening had her looking upwards and then smiling. 

“Hello Jimin,” she greeted, to which he gave her a curt nod. 

Thankfully, Lauren had already situated herself on the sofa facing away from the door, allowing Jimin to sit on the one that gave him a view of both the entrance and the window at the same time. Even in his sour mood, he was able to appreciate the gesture. 

He knew Lauren was studying him, taking in his sudden attitude, but to his surprise she didn’t call him out on it. Instead, she closed the binder and placed it beside her on the sofa, bringing a much thinner notebook onto her lap in its place.

“Did you complete the Impact Statement worksheet I assigned in the last session?” She asked, to which Jimin nodded. 

He had avoided starting it until the last minute, something he knew Lauren wouldn’t approve of considering she had given him that big speech about avoidance and how it wasn’t helping him. He just couldn’t help it, he’d spent years trying to rid his mind of that night’s memories. Anything that reminded him of it was discarded, any person that reminded him of it was avoided. Even the house had been sold the second it was passed down to him. So doing this Impact Statement? Something that would not only remind him about it, but make him think about it to a deeper extent… it had been hard. 

“Could you read your Impact Statement out loud?”

Jimin’s eyebrows pulled together at the random request, confused as to why that was necessary. He wasn’t in kindergarten anymore, where they would make his class take turns reading various children’s books to each other. 

He shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with the request. But he couldn’t make a fuss about it. He needed to give this therapy thing a genuine try, especially considering the enormous attack he had this morning. 

Jimin brought out the statement from his school bag, unfolding it slowly. He cleared his throat before finally following along the hastily written words. 

“This traumatic experience happened because I was stupid and did something horrible. I knew that my father wasn’t himself, I knew that he was under the influence, and yet I still ended up murdering him, my own father, like some kind of psychopath. Saying that that makes me a horrible person feels like an understatement, because being a killer is one thing, but being able to kill your family? That must make me even worse than a murderer. I feel like I don’t deserve anything good because of it. If anything, the world should bring me my karma and just end it already. I think that sometimes… that because of what I did, someone is just silently watching me and waiting for the right moment to get back at me. I feel like I’m never safe, like I constantly have to be on guard whenever I’m out. I feel like people should think the same about me too, they shouldn’t trust me either. My past is evidence enough that I might just lose it and hurt someone. I would hate to do that to Taehyung especially, the only person that’s genuinely been there for me. But anyways, the gist of it is that I’m not a good person. I make bad decisions. I feel unsafe all the time, especially when I’m around other men. Sometimes when I’m out I can imagine every grown man that looks my way hates me the same way my dad did, and that they’d go after me the first chance they got. I don’t want to get close to people because I feel like if I build any kind of genuine relationship, I’ll end up hurting them. That’s why I don’t think Taehyung should have a friend like me, that he deserves better. I don’t know how to make things better. I don’t think I’ll ever be normal again.”

The room fell quiet as Jimin set the paper down on the coffee table, wanting it away from him immediately. He was relieved that he was finally done with this assignment, though he hadn’t noticed how much he had ended up writing despite the limited amount of time he had to complete the worksheet. 

“What did it feel like to write and then read the Impact Statement aloud?” Lauren asked, an expression of complete neutrality. He couldn’t help but feel grateful that she wasn’t disgusted by him. 

Or at least she wasn’t showing it. 

“It was hard,” Jimin admitted, gaze travelling everywhere but her, “honestly I didn’t start the worksheet until just an hour before I came here.”

Lauren surprisingly nodded, “the good thing is that you completed it nonetheless. It is difficult work, Jimin, and you were able to get through it. That takes a lot of strength.”

“But I should remind you that avoidance only helps in maintaining PTSD symptoms, right?”

Jimin nodded. 

“How do you feel after reading the Impact Statement?” She asked. 

“A little less anxious,” Jimin replied, though it was more the fact that he was relieved it was over than anything else. Whether his improved feelings were because the Impact Statement had actually helped or because of the relief he felt from it being over, there was no doubt that he felt better now compared to the anxiety he had been feeling when walking into this room. 

“If doing the assignment in this way made you a little less anxious, then I wonder what it would have been like to have completed the assignment earlier in the week?” Lauren wondered out loud, but she didn’t dwell on it for long. She was clearly keen on changing the topic. 

“Now, earlier it seemed that you might have been upset about something. Could you explain to me why that was?”

“It’s nothing,” Jimin said, shaking his head as he leaned back against the sofa. But he could feel his blood begin to boil once again, his thoughts from earlier apparently the flame. His anger simmered to the surface and, before he knew it, he was blurting everything out. 

“It’s just… I was talking to this classmate of mine earlier today, just a normal conversation, and she told me something about her dad that kind of pissed me off.”

Lauren tilted her head, “can you tell me what she told you that made you so angry?”

Your words from earlier filled his mind once again, bringing the anger along with them. He had been furious throughout the rest of the school day, and all throughout the ride here, with your words and their implications repeating over and over in his head.

Jimin suddenly stood up and walked over to the window, his anger making him want to move around. 

“The thing is, she’s actually this girl I hooked up with at a party last Friday,” he started to explain, not realising that he had begun pacing around, “I’d ended up taking her home that night because she didn’t really seem like she could get there on her own, so I just casually asked her about how her dad had reacted to her getting home so late. She started telling me about how her dad hadn’t been home that night because he’s a truck driver. In fact, she said that he usually wasn’t home at all throughout the week, and sometimes he didn’t even come back on the weekends that he’s supposed to.”

Jimin spun around towards Lauren, who had shifted so that she was still facing him, “can you believe that? What kind of father would leave their kid alone for weeks at a time? And does he even know what his own daughter has been doing in his absence? She uses, you know. I bet he has no clue.”

“But of course he doesn’t,” Jimin scoffed, “just one of the millions of examples of a grown man being absolutely useless and incompetent as a father.”

He turned to look outside once again, trying to focus on anything that could calm down his racing heart. 

“Do you feel that way about your own father?” He heard Lauren ask from behind him. 

“Obviously. He beat my mom, and then he beat me. That didn’t exactly make him father slash husband of the year. Nothing could justify his actions,” Jimin reasoned. 

“Do you feel that your actions that night also can’t be justified?”

He paused, the question catching him off guard. Slowly, Jimin faced Lauren once again, “well yes, I’m not different from him. If anything I’m worse. He beat people. I murdered him.”

Lauren’s gaze bored into him in an almost unnerving way before she spoke, “‘murder.’ That’s a strong word.”

“It’s appropriate in this context.” 

“From what you’ve told me, it seems like you killed your father after he had begun to hurt your girlfriend-”

“Ex,” Jimin said, his gaze not meeting hers, “ex girlfriend.”

“Ex girlfriend,” Lauren corrected, “your actions occurred in a very specific place and time, and under certain circumstances.”

“Yeah, but he still died. And I’m the one that killed him.”

“Yes, he died, and it seems, at least in part, because of your actions. Does that make you a murderer?”

“Yes,” Jimin answered straight away, not comprehending what was so hard to understand, “I took a bat to his head, and then he died. That’s murder. And that’s worse than anything he had ever done to me.”

“Really? You think it’s worse?” Lauren asked, her voice suddenly quieter. For the first time since these sessions started, Jimin thought he might have caught a little sadness in her expression. But the moment he caught it the expression disappeared, tucked back under that blanket of neutrality that he had become so used to. Distantly, he wondered if he had imagined it or not. 

“On one hand, people were hurt. On the other hand, someone was killed. Obviously both situations aren’t good since people were hurt either way. But I killed him, he didn’t kill anyone.”

“It is true that the outcomes are different,” Lauren agreed, “but it’s the context that I wonder about.”

Jimin’s brows furrowed, “what do you mean?”

“Do you think what the intention was in those situations matters, regardless of the outcome?”

“No,” Jimin replied firmly, pulling back on the frustration in his tone,“in one case someone was killed. In another, no one was killed.”

Lauren paused for a moment, seemingly studying him with her characteristically neutral expression. When nothing was said for a few seconds, she clasped her fingers together before resting them over her lap professionally, “while it is true that your father died, and that your actions played a role in it, I think we might slightly disagree on the definition of the term ‘murder.’ It is apparent that his death has been a very difficult thing for you to accept, and that you are trying to make sense of that. From what you’ve told me, the sense that you appear to have made of his death is that you are a ‘murderer.’ I believe this is a good example of one of the stuck points that seem to have prevented you from recovering from this traumatic event. We’ll definitely be spending more time together on understanding your part in his death.”

Lauren then began to explain something about how important it was to be able to identify and label his emotions and thoughts, but Jimin’s thoughts were too stuck on her earlier words to pay any attention. He wondered about how intentions might or might not matter in the context of whether a death is considered a murder or not. When a person participates in an action that ends up with another person dead, he was pretty sure that classified the situation as a murder. He couldn’t really understand where the nuances existed in a situation like this. 

But then again, Lauren’s suggestion hadn’t been too crazy of a thought either. If a person didn’t intend to kill the other, then would it still be considered a murder?

Had he intended to kill his father that night? Jimin wanted to say no and deny such a thing, because he really hadn’t wanted to do that. But he had taken a wooden baseball bat straight to his father’s skull, what other outcome had Jimin been expecting? Maybe intention did matter in general, but in Jimin’s case he concluded it made no difference. 

“How do you feel about the death of your father?” Lauren asked randomly, catching Jimin’s straying attention. He had no clue what the context behind the question was since his thoughts had been elsewhere while she had been explaining it, which had caught him off guard.

“Um,” Jimin paused, having to think about it for a moment, “I know he did horrible things to me, like I’m aware his actions were wrong, but… a part of me felt a little saddened by his death. Maybe not because of losing him as a person, but losing him meant that I had lost the last of my family. It does make me feel sad when I think about it.”

Lauren nodded encouragingly, “and that is a completely natural reaction to have when you feel that you’ve lost something. It’s good to feel that sadness and let it run its course.”

Jimin let a breathy chuckle escape his lips, though there was no humour behind it, “feeling sad isn’t exactly something I enjoy- actually I prefer to avoid feeling anything at all. It’s just easier that way.”

Lauren crossed her leg over the other, continuing to focus on Jimin as she brought her clasped hand over her lap once again, “have you ever allowed yourself to feel sad?”

He shook his head, explaining that he’s always preferred avoiding anything and everything that had to do with intense feelings like that. Even the frustration he had shown earlier was a generally rare occurrence. 

“Then if you’ve never allowed yourself to feel your emotions, how do you know that it would be easier not to feel them?”

Jimin was silent, processing the logic behind her words once again. He was starting to realise that therapy was a lot more logical than what he had initially thought.

“From what you’ve told me, avoiding your feelings hasn’t helped you very much so far. Maybe allowing yourself to feel the natural feelings associated with the traumatic event may help you recover from what happened?”

“Maybe…” He relented, knowing that her reasoning made sense to him. 

But Jimin still couldn’t help but feel anxious at the thought of feeling his emotions. He didn’t even know if he’d ever truly felt them before. With a father that had been beating him for as long as he could remember, it really had just become easier to numb himself to the pain. He was scared of revisiting that pain, he realised. The pain that he’d been trying to run away from his whole life.

Lauren opened her binder to bring out a few sheets that were similar to the Impact Statement worksheet she had given him in their last session, except they clearly had a different purpose. She called them “A-B-C” Sheets, which again reminded Jimin of kindergarten, and explained how to go about completing them properly. She also explained how they were meant to help him begin to identify the things he was telling himself and his subsequent emotions before they had exchanged pleasantries and Jimin had walked out of the room.

Unlike the last session, where he had rushed through the door at light speed, Jimin took his time walking through the hallways and out of the building. This time his mind was filled with questions of murder and intention. He thought about feeling his feelings, and how long it had been since he had lost the ability to do so. He thought about you and your dad. He thought about everything.  

There was just so much to think about. 

So much to think about indeed.  

[the-ice-sculpture]

Thoughts on Sanrion

Sanrion isn’t as inevitable a thing as Braime or Gendra is/has been but there’s still potential evidence that it’s been the works for a long time coming. None of what I’m saying is new, I’m just using this as an excuse to vent my thoughts.

From the beginning both the show and books made a point of emphasising how Ned and Catelyn built their love stone by stone, despite not being each other’s first choice (or even choice at all). Thematically, it’d make sense if this comes full circle by being repeated for the ending. Sansa is the Stark who most resembles her mother, who most mirrors her mother - only Sansa has the potential to be even more fierce and (is already more) politically savvy. If Sansa was to end up marrying anyone else, it’d make the most structural sense as a story if her marriage mirrored that of her mother and father’s - if she married somebody she did not initially like and if together they both decided to build their marriage. 

Since a large portion of Sansa’s character arc revolves around her loss of naivety and overcoming romanticised notions of handsome valiant knights and princes, if she was to end up with someone then it’d be the most satisfying if she ends up choosing someone who is in no way conventionally attractive and doesn’t hold up to the idealised dreams of future matches she had as a young girl. Tyrion is the epitome of someone who is in no sense conventionally attractive and he’s one of the few characters outside her family who she has a long history with who is also high born. Tyrion is the only character in King’s Landing (debatably except from The Hound and Margery Tyrell) who shows her any kindness without having any ulterior motive and he’s also from a house that’s despised by her family. So, yeah, Tyrion fits the bill. 

Sansa’s so used to people valuing her for what her name brings them because she is the key to the North. For years no one outside her family valued her for her and instead she’s faced an onslaught of suitors and people trying to make matches for her based on what her name and title would bring them. This is common amongst the highborn girls in Westeros but happens far more than would be considered normal to Sansa. In a political sense, she’s been traded and promised like a piece of meat. One of the most powerful things she can do now is to make her own decisions and choose what - or who - she wants for herself. 

Tyrion has the opposite problem to Sansa. Instead of being fought over like a piece of meat, all his potential suitors are either repulsed or offended by the offer of a match with him. A match with him would be a punishment, as far as they’re concerned. For most of Tyrion’s story, all the people Tyrion socialises with are paid to be in his company. No one chooses Tyrion. In the show, Tyrion doesn’t know Tysha wasn’t paid by Jaime and has no idea she voluntarily chose him as a romantic partner. Whenever Tyrion accomplishes something great someone else gets all the credit and praise. Whenever something goes badly, whether or not Tyrion had anything to do with it, he gets blame or accusations. Tyrion is constantly undervalued despite his incredible assets and competence. This only changed when Daenerys named him her hand. But in terms of his value as a marital partner, from Tyrion’s own perspective, no one has chosen him. 

You see where I’m going with this? Sansa has experienced too many people fighting over her for her name. Sansa now has the freedom and power to make her own choices. Tyrion is used to being undervalued and is the person no one voluntarily chooses... If only there was a solution that would satisfy both these criteria.

Personality wise, they’re also a very good match even though the age difference isn’t ideal. Tyrion is one of the few people who can make Sansa genuinely laugh and smile. Tyrion treats her gently and wishes to protect her and curses himself for not being strong enough to always be able to. His intentions and the way he treats her (definitely more so in the show rather than the books) actually read as genuinely chivalrous (see all the hand to hand contact they have). In an interesting twist, Tyrion in some ways reflects Sansa’s old romantic ideas, only they come from someone she never expected such chivalry to come from (or even someone she would’ve expected to want such chivalry to come from). But Sansa could have both. Sansa could both have someone who treats her as she wants to be treated as well as someone who represents how much she has grown as a person. Because, honestly, at this stage the last things Sansa cares about is how handsome someone is or how valiant they are. Sansa wants those she cares about to stay loyal and stay alive. 

Politically, Sansa and Tyrion are also a good match. A Lannister and Stark choosing to be together would be a poetic end, given all the blood between their houses. And as many people have pointed out, the War of the Roses (which GoT is loosely inspired by) ended with the two opposing houses marrying. Sansa’s one of the very few characters on the show who can keep up with him and he saw her potential from the beginning. In the crypts, they choose to hold hands, to face the threat together, and in the heat of all that they even had a tender moment with Tyrion kissing her hand. After all the intense eye-contact of that scene, how they brought up their marriage even before that scene happened, and after everything that’s been left unsaid between them, it’d be a bit strange if this development in their relationship doesn’t lead to anything more. Due to the sheer terror of the situation, I really don’t think Sansa was manipulating him here. We only see Sansa manipulate people she sees as potential threats and people who’ve wronged her in the past and Tyrion is neither of these things. 

There’s also the bonus of the potential beautiful irony of Sansa and Tyrion being happily married enraging Cersei and Tywin Lannister from beyond the grave. 

So in terms of coherent storytelling, having Sansa and Tyrion renew their wedding vows could work very well, so long as they both choose it and aren’t forced into it. There’s even a possibility of it being the ‘sweet’ part of the ‘bittersweet’ ending we’ve been hearing so much about. The GoT universe is so dark that their relationship could provide a delicate contrast, particularly given the history of these two characters and everything they’ve been through. 

The time they’ve spent apart has actually been very healthy for the possibility of them deciding to be together. It’s given Sansa a chance to mature on her own, to grow and become a woman and learn lessons by herself. They’ve both had long journeys where they’ve formed their own new alliances and have learned so much along the way. The absence of each other means they’re not used to being forced together. During this time, in the show Tyrion abstained from sex which surprised him more than anyone else. The show made Sansa experience the worst kind of match she could possibly have had with Ramsey, who was a huge contrast to Tyrion’s promise that he’ll never share her bed unless she wants him to (and I hope there’ll be a throwback to that line with these two). Given both their trauma, it’s a very delicate area to navigate around but these two have the potential to work together to achieve it if it’s what they desire.

But here’s the part that makes me not so optimistic: all the ominous foreshadowing revolving around Tyrion. Because Sansa’s chances of survival seem far greater than Tyrion’s at the moment. Sansa’s learned so much and now is one of the cleverest characters on the show but Tyrion... I just don’t know if he’ll make it out alive. I think if he makes it out alive then they have a genuine chance together. But all the not so subtle hints of Daenerys becoming increasingly displeased with him as well as the conversations about betrayal he’s had with Daenerys and Varys suggest Tyrion’s going to have a hard time getting away unscathed. (Given how I’m sure Sansa’s role is going to become more important in the world of politics, I’m desperately hoping she could help him out of a tough spot somehow in a plot twist.)

My ideal ending for Tyrion and Sansa would be for Sansa to be Queen of the North and for Tyrion to be her hand. I don’t see Sansa wanting to leave Winterfell or her family ever again. I don’t see her changing her name from Stark to anything else either, even if she does remarry. Tyrion loves playing the game and almost being killed over it hasn’t put him off in the past. He has no objections to supporting a queen, despite Westerosi misogyny. Sansa has learned to play the game and play it well. Together, they’re the ultimate political power couple. Tyrion has more years of experience but Sansa knows the North and she also covers Tyrion’s blind spots (like about there being no chance of Cersei sending her army north). King’s Landing also holds certain complications for Tyrion, given his history there and the treatment from his family, Shae, and the city’s citizens. 

And I haven’t even touched upon how these two already started to build up a foundation of trust while they were in King’s Landing... Ugh. There’s so much to say with these two. I’m sure I’ll start thinking of more stuff I should’ve included here after I’ve posted this. I’ve no idea how it’s gonna go down, either tragically or sweetly or neither of the two. 

Anyway... Fingers crossed.

[traincat]

what don't you like about the Raimi films? I have never liked them, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one

I keep meaning to rewatch the Raimi Spider-Man trilogy so I can actually go in depth and talk in detail about what I don’t like about them, since I watched them quite a while ago when I was first getting into Spider-Man. I didn’t watch them while they were coming out; in fact I remember actively avoiding going to see Spider-Man 3 with friends in theaters because I thought I didn’t like Spider-Man. In hindsight this is probably for the best because it means my first exposure to Peter was through comics, but it’s also pretty hilarious to me now as someone who has posted like half a million words of Spider-Man fanfic.

I did try to rewatch the first movie recently! And then it took me 24 hours to get through the first hour of it because I was just so bored. And I think ultimately that’s my big problem with it: it bores me. The script bores me. (Really? There’s like one joke from Spider-Man in the whole movie and it’s a homophobic crack that’s aged super badly? The “you’re on the wrong side of history, Spider-Man” meme is funnier than the whole film.) The set design bores me. The costume isn’t visually appealing to me, although I understand it was a different era of superhero movie and that for the time I think it probably looked more impressive. And while no 90 minute movie is ever going to be able to go as in-depth or get as complicated with personal relationships as decades and decades of comics can sheerly because there’s a time limit, I think they took the relationships present in Spider-Man and flattened them out in the most boring way possible. Instead of Peter trying to dodge MJ because he doesn’t think he’d be interested in a girl Aunt May approves of, he’s already in love with her as the girl next door. It’s revealed to the audience upfront that Mary Jane’s father is abusive, rather than her telling Peter herself, essentially trading her biggest secret for her knowledge of his, revealing the reasoning behind her party girl facade. It makes it all so much more ordinary and typical, a simpler love story. For me it’s just so much shallower.

And then there’s Raimi’s iteration of Peter and Harry. I’m going to be super blunt about this one:

When adapting these two characters, why would you cast the more conventionally attractive actor to play Harry? In 616, Peter and Harry have a very deep bond but also a very interesting dynamic that is rooted in Peter being smarter than Harry, better looking than Harry, overall more masculine and attractive and desirable than Harry.

(ASM Annual 1996) But there’s this mad dash that, if it didn’t begin with the Raimi films, definitely was crystallized and validated with them, that wants to make Peter Parker, well, a loser. A schlub. A sadsack instead of just the underdog. If you take his tagline as the relatable superhero and look at how that gets translated, it’s a bit insulting, really, because there seems to be this idea that the audience will relate better to Peter if he’s a loser. And that’s played up by making Harry – who is already rich and the epitome of “money can’t solve all your problems” – also handsome and smooth and cooler than Peter. And I think that’s something that’s damaged Harry and Peter’s relationship in other adaptations, and I think it’s just not as interesting as their comics dynamic at all. Similarly, I think Raimi!Peter is just not very interesting. There’s nothing about him that draws me in. There’s no sharpness, no edge. (And while attractiveness is subjective and not every casting is going to work for everyone, I also just don’t find Tobey Maguire particularly good looking, which is something I feel that Peter Parker should be. Please stop casting men without strong eyebrows to play him, movies.)

And while I understand why the upside down Spider-Man kiss has become The Iconic PeterMJ Kiss and while I know it’s much more cinematic, it really can’t hold a candle to their first kiss from the comics in my book:

(Amazing Spider-Man #143)

I do think the Raimi films were very good at creating a lot of iconic Spider-Man imagery and at taking big things from the comics – Doc Ock, the Green Goblin – and translating them to the screen in a way that was both appealing to a large audience and easy to digest. It’s just that for me personally the films, and especially their version of Peter, lack any of the charm or personality that I love from Spider-Man comics.

[wlwamora]

Lesbian/Aro Ace Amora are the ultimate powermove headcannons

Lesbian/aro Amora, growing up in a society that despite the power she amasses, still knows her only for her beauty. She's expected to be lovely, to choose a man to settle down with. When she decides to go after Thor to marry into power and sees that he's conventionally attractive and is the first man in her life that's ever treated her with respect, she's think her feelings towards him are romantic because she's never felt anything like it before.

Lesbian/aro Amora, not learning, and thinking any warm feelings she has towards men are romantic. Skurge worships her and Heimdall is kind to everyone, and Amora who has only known bitter people all her life thinks these two are the loves of her lives. Every man she 'loves' – Thor, Heimdall, Skurge, Hercules - are all the epitome of masculinity, because that's what she should like.

Lesbian/aro Amora, unintentionally destroying her relationships because she knows deep down that something isn't right.

Lesbian/aro Amora, summoning the embodiment of love because she has felt unfulfilled her entire life and surely this is the only way she can be happy (but even he cannot make her so)

Ace Amora getting kicked out of Karnilla's school and finding out the only way to convince new teachers to share their knowledge with her lack of fundings was to sell her body.

Ace Amora gaining the moniker of the Enchantress because she uses her body as a currency. She doesn't enjoy it but she's learned it's how to get ahead in life. No one expects the pretty girl to have a bite.

Sex-repulsed Ace Amora convincing herself she enjoys it because her body responds to it but she feels nothing, she's not fulfilled. Maybe she hasn't met the right person yet-

Lesbian/Aro Ace Amora alone on Midgard is lonely and has never felt so empty in her life. For a while she pretends not to be the Enchantress and tries a stab at living like a normal midgardian. And Midgardian men don't 'deserve' her, she's better than them.

Lesbian Ace Amora meeting a girl in a café that doesn't know her as a men-seducing witch and makes her laugh and has a voice like a siren. She makes Amora feel warm and the part of her that had always felt unfulfilled feels whole.

Aro Ace Amora meeting a girl in a café that discovers she doesn't know much about modern day Midgard and decides to educate her on various bits and pieces. One day when she's talking her through identity politics, there's something about aromanticism and asexuality that just... connects with her somehow. Something inside her stirs and as she reads through various peoples' experiences online, something clicks and talking with these people,,, the unfulfilled part of her feels whole as she finally admits a hidden part of herself.

Aro/Lesbian Ace Amora who never knew she didn't have to be attracted to men, who never knew about compulsive heterosexuality, who never even considered being with a woman or no one at all, who has never been in a world where she wasn't treated like an object or where you didn't need to sleep around to get ahead.

Aro/Lesbian Ace Amora finally discovering those feelings she has towards men were always purely platonic and forming non-toxic platonic relationships that last. Finally Amora has people she can confide in and trust and be herself around.

Finally Amora feels whole.

[fymagnificentwomcn]

If you had to pick the entire female cast of MYK season 2 based on how the historical figures looked like ? Like who would you choose for the role of kosem , and which actress would be perfect as Turhan ? ( two names max for each character )

Sorry for long time to reply, but I’m truly burdened with work these days.

Recasting Kösem? Truly? Nurgül Yeşilçay IS Kösem. Period.

But Turhan is totally a different case :)

It’s no mystery to anyone who knows me even a bit that I’m absolutely dissatisfied with MYK!Turhan to the point I mostly refer to her as Turhande (Margot coined it, I think) to distinguish her from her historical counterpart. I wouldn’t like to delve into her characterisation issues here because I’ve received another ask for that, but yeah, I began to have doubts from the moment I heard Hande was cast as Turhan. At first, I was merely disappointed because I wanted a Turhan with lighter hair for a change and, yes, we all liked this idea of Müge being Turhan because she looked too much like Anastasia to waste it. Yet I was still willing to give this casting a chance, but trailer and first clips made me really uncomfortable and after the first episode I had no illusions anymore what they were going for with this character.

But then… Hande’s acting in MYK S2 based on the pouting, little emotion and occasionally devilish smug (even as a reaction to slaugher of almost entire palace) was clearly what the writers and directors wanted from her. Look at all the “heavy” costumes. Her whole image and character was intentionally to be the ultimate slay bitch kween, walking intrigue and killing machine practically devoid of human emotions. I’m afraid that even if they had had more screentime to portray Turhan, we would have got something very similar nonetheless, but I will discuss the whole matter in another response.

Hande for me joins the ranks of generally good actresses whose performance on MY/K was below their abilities (e.g. FZA and yes, even Beren Saat) /just my opinion, don’t kill!/ All these unnecessary smugs and resting bitch faces… And on a side note, I also personally don’t find Hande attractive as Turhan, but she’s really good looking and cute in other roles (and especially comedies!.. This is totally subjective, of course. Turhan obviously didn’t need to be pretty or conventionally pretty, I’d actually prefer her not to be a conventional beauty, but I’d love for her appearance to elicit some sympathetic emotions in me. 

I really like Başak Parlak in the Mahpeyker movie, both the casting and Turhan’s characterisation, she was for me the only good thing in this movie tbh.That Turhan had more scenes with her son and was a more complex character in 2 hour movie (and good chunk of it was devoted to Kosem’s youth) than the one in 4 episodes of 2.5. hours. On the other hand, their Kosem was pretty much the epitome of “evil old hag” Kösem, so it seems they cannot bring history to the screen without demonising one of them *sighs*.

It’s hard to find a description of these women in historical sources, but there is a mention of Turhan’s appearance in Lucienne Thys-Şenocak‘s Ottoman Women Builders: The Architectural Patronage of Hadice Turhan Sultan book:

Young Hadice, described as having blue eyes, fair skin and dark brown hair, was reported to have been beautiful.

Thys-Şenocak however stresses in a footnote to this sentence that there is no verifiable source of this kind of information, so take it with a grain of salt nonetheless.

I really like the idea of a Russian or at least Slavic actress portraying Turhan and I have to admit it was really authentic when e.g. Anastasia spoke Greek in the show, same with her imperfect Turkish. As such, I used the opportunity of having a Russian friend in the fandom and asked Ksenia @kosem-sultan  for some suggestions :)

We both love the casting of Olga Egorova, here her photo from Пока станица спит (on the right):

The girl on the left, Zoryana Marchenko, is an interesting choice too if you want a more conventionally pretty and sharper Turhan, but I personally prefer Olga. 

Another photo of Olga:

And for a blonde Turhan I like Ukrainian actress  Anna Sagaidachnaya, below in period drama Последний янычар:

- Joanna

[134330kira]

Let's talk about pageants...

I've been seeing posts about Miss Universe candidates as I scroll through my facebook timeline, I guess it's that time of the year. The crown, the glitz and the glam, the elegance - oh, what a dream. Perhaps it's a thing that most girls want to experience. Especially young girls, I believe it is a universal experience to look up to these beauty queens and be in their shoes. I, too, felt that way before. I used to be a kid dreaming of joining those things however, along with the times, my attitude towards pageants has changed.

I do not consider myself to be conventionally attractive, I still have insecurities about my appearance, especially my weight, and I definitely don't pass the beauty standards that we have. But, I used to get offers to join pageants when I was in elementary up until high school, be it school pageants, interbarangay, or Miss Nasipit. Not gonna lie, it flattered me to think that people think I actually stood a chance in joining those things. But, the more I think about it the more I discover the flaws on the concept of pageants.

Despite getting offered to join, I turned them down because it made me feel like I was going to sell myself to the public during pageants. It felt like I was presenting myself there to be judged by everybody whether I was pretty enough or sexy enough or smart enough to claim the crown. And I honestly am not that brave to handle all the toxic opinions of others. This is not to shame those who join, I actually respect beauty queens so much because it takes a lot of courage to let yourself be judged by the people. Can we talk about how harsh people on the internet are? I remember the last Miss Universe PH candidate Kisses Delavin, who was mocked online because her beauty is "not fit for pageantry". I also remember Miss Universe candidate Angela Ponce in 2018, who was the first transgender contestant for Miss Universe, that also received a lot of criticisms online because she was not a "woman". But what makes a woman anyway?

My point is the problem is not the girls who join but the concept of a pageant itself. As I grew older, it made less sense to me. I never understood it, were pretty people the only people who were allowed to express and carry out their advocacies? And what's your basis of "pretty" anyway? The unrealistic beauty standards that we currently have? All in all, I feel like most, if not all, pageants speak of women empowerment and confidence but what tends to happen is the opposite because pageants aren't really as inclusive. We treat women as pretty little objects and there is always a double standard for them. Women are expected to be perfect to cater to the patriarchal definition of what it takes or what makes a woman. As far as I know, women who are already mothers, who are pass the age of 30, etc. can no longer join. This is for international pageants such as the Miss Universe, Miss Earth, etc. When we look at Philippine pageants, we notice most of the candidates have eurocentric features. Majority of those who've won the titles are mixed. There is this colonial mentality which also plays a big role in Philippine pageantry. Having colonized by Spain for 300 years, our standards have definitely shifted to a eurocentic one. You should be fair skinned, have a small button nose, have straight hair, have the perfect hourglass body. Everything that is the opposite of being a Filipina. And I think that's really sad. We also pay more attention to the Miss Universe instead of a Mr. Universe (if it actually exists lmao). It has unconciously become sexist. Because again, we see women as pretty objects or build-a-Barbie's. Women are the epitome of beauty which is not bad however it has come to a point where it is toxic for women because the standards are unbelievably high.

I hope pageants become more open and inclusive to women and may it be a safe space for women to carry out their advocacies while not being criticized for who they are and what they're lacking in. It is hard but we can break the cycle.

[empirexsin]

❛ you are the biggest turn on. ❜ / @treebitched​

living with her is an experience. something he has not ever been used to, nor prepared for. the only real female interaction he had on a day to day basis when he were a so-called criminal, was with his elderly mother. ‘ help me shine the knives, joe ’ and he would sit at the table with her in the kitchen, covered by a checkered patterned table cloth while they would rub soft cloths against the cutlery until the cutlery was completely shining. occasionally they’d speak about nothing. she would tell him about her memories from when she was a girl - they always seemed to be the clearest memories for her. and he was always glad of it. any newer memories might have been too traumatic, and thus, never resulted in her singing old-timey songs, and swaying in her wooden chair. other than his mother, he had experience with julie. but they never lived together, thank god. she was a woman who was the epitome of high maintenance. something joe would never want to repeat. willow is nothing like either of them. and so the time they have spent together, as husband and wife in their suburban home, is unfamiliar ground for joe - in every single way. including attempting to translate willow’s speech and body language. 

“ practicing again? ” he grumbles the words in response to her. she’s standing in front of the television, obstructing his vision of the movie scene that’s playing out. a jackie chan movie has come onto the television, and joe has been too lazy to get up to retrieve the remote to change the channel. instead he’s watching the martial arts actor throwing punches and doing spins in the air to knock down several enemies. and so he asks the question to willow because this is a stance she sometimes takes when she’s focused on becoming a tiktok star or an actress. she wants joe to read lines with her, but he often never does. instead, he hears willow lowering her voice, as if to mimic the part he should have played. and it’s nonsense really. he knows, and thinks she must know, that she could never, and shouldn’t try to be a star. they’re under witness protection for a reason, yet her behavior dismisses this simulation that it feels they’re living in. “ i don’t want to be involved ” he’s laid on the couch, watching her with the usual mix of intense and lazy eyes. 

her words, almost going over his head entirely. you are the biggest turn on. and he figures it must be just talk from some pov tiktok she’s watched. or some reaction video, if only because joe’s current position - laid on the couch like some kind of cat, stretching its paws out, is not what he would consider conventionally an attractive position. 

[singlerosebouquet]

Why I don’t want new Heathers

So, the new Heathers looks diverse, right? There’s a person of color, a trans girl, and Heather Chandler is not conventionally attractive. That’s good, right? No.

Here’s the thing about the Heathers: As much as I fucking adore Heather Chandler and Heather McNamara, the Heathers are villains. The entire point of Heathers is that the title characters are so terrible that JD gets into a self-righteous tizzy about murdering them and Veronica doesn’t care so much when one dies. They’re so terrible that the audience has to stop and ask whether they care that Heather died.

Additionally, the Heathers’ entire thing is that they look a lot alike - same walk, same/similar hairstyle, same clothes - and sound a lot alike. They stick their heads so far up their own asses that they willfully deny the personhood of folks who don’t look like them.

To be perfectly frank, as a trans girl, I know exactly how the Heathers would treat me. And it wouldn’t be fashion tips, shoes, shopping, or letting me into their gang - not unless I passed and they simply didn’t learn that I’m not cis. And when they did learn, they’d hold that over me, invent cruel jokes, blackmail me, or simply make me a laughingstock in front of the school for their personal amusement. There wouldn’t be any of Heather Duke looking like she does in the trailer we have.

Making Veronica and JD straight and white - and they seem to be in this new series - and the targets of their murder spree being the diverse kids who are mean to them is an ass-backward kind of bigoted propaganda I’d expect to see out of 1989. If the entire cast were diverse, it would be different, but frankly everyone being white and straight would be better than this.

How would I do it? Like this.

Heather Chandler is white and straight - she epitomizes everything toxic associated with 16 year old white girls in high school - white feminist, racist, transphobic, exclusionary, simply fucking cruel to anyone she can lash out at - but is clearly going through her own issues with associating all of her power with her body and men’s interest in it. She’s awful, but she’s just 16 - she has a lot to learn, and could be a decent person someday.

Heather Duke is white and bi, but really wants to be Heather Chandler. She copies Chandler’s movements, facial expressions, hair style...and the way Chandler treats other people. She was friends with Martha Dunnstock once upon a time, and observing how Chandler treats overweight women is a reason for Duke’s issues with bulimia. Duke doesn’t consider lesbianism to be valid for a myriad of reasons, and reacts to women she likes by treating them much worse - this comes into play with Heather M. especially.

Heather McNamara is a straight white autistic trans girl. She keeps two of those statuses - autistic, trans - secret, having (correctly) intuited that the other Heathers would turn on her immediately. She follows the Heathers around because they’re goddamn tough, and being shit on by Chandler and Duke is better than being shit on by the entire school. Her assholery through the series is performative - she’d rather shove someone else off a cliff than be shoved herself. In a lot of ways, she’s cripplingly afraid of what she thinks might come to pass.

Martha Dunnstock remains largely the same - she’s straight, cis, not conventionally attractive, and most of the school shits on her for that, though a lot of them are performing to keep the approval of the Heathers and the jocks. I would keep Martha as the composite character from the musical, so this is Veronica’s upbeat best friend. They drift apart as the series goes on and Veronica bows to pressure to treat Martha badly.

Veronica Sawyer is a black, bi woman. She doesn’t “fit in” with the Heathers well, but Veronica buys entry with her talent at forgery and willingness to kiss Chandler’s ass. Veronica has no personal hangups with her sexuality, but keeps it secret. Veronica has a heart and regrets what being with the Heathers means doing, but she’s not willing to give up the safety of being near the toughest women in school.

Jason Dean (JD) is a straight white guy who wears a trench coat, worships slushies, quotes old books without understanding them, has an undeservedly high opinion of himself, and doesn’t believe that people change over time. He’s also an entitled rapey psychopath Veronica misinterprets as deep and conflicted, and frankly it’d probably be better if someone else wrote JD.

Frankly I’m too out of energy to do Kurt, Ram, and teachers and parents right now. Or to discuss Betty Finn.

[femcurrent]

Ensembles You Love to Hate: A Comparison of Mad Men and GIRLS

by Caity

I consume a lot of media. Movies, books, podcasts, video games—I’m all about a good story. My favorite form of storytelling is the serialized, character driven television show. Thankfully, I live in a time of “peak tv” so I’ve got plenty of quality shows to choose from. I’m not really picky on drama/comedy, as long as there are characters for me to love or hate and dialogue that isn’t so distractingly bad that I’m removed from the world. I just got off spring break (I know—something most adults don’t get anymore), so I decided to catch up on the controversial HBO comedy—GIRLS just in time for the series finale which aired on Sunday, April 16. And while I was watching, I couldn’t help but find myself drawing comparisons to another very popular, award winning, long running series: Mad Men.

The two shows have a lot in common. They both take place mostly in New York with various other locations as side plots throughout the seasons. They both center around a protagonist who, despite being an awful person, continually finds success both in their work and sexual relationships and who is continually unhappy, thus spending their show searching for fulfillment. They both have ensemble casts full of complex characters who make a lot of mistakes—some of which they learn from and others they just try to forget about—all the while you as a viewer are somehow still rooting for their happy ending.

They both are more focused on character development and growth rather than being plot driven. They both show the problems associated with drug abuse and unhealthy relationships. They both analyze a very specific time period and subset of people living then (generally upper middle class white people, but that’s a common issue in television heavily discussed on the internet.) But where Mad Men focuses on the silent generation in the 60s, GIRLS focuses on millennials in modern day. And then there is the overwhelmingly obvious difference: GIRLS is female led whereas Mad Men is not.

Now that isn’t a good or bad thing. Mad Men has some amazing female leads—I wish I could hang out with Peggy and Joan and learn how to be a badass while still remaining professional. And the men in GIRLS are some of the best characters. Ray is probably the only one on the show I would feel confident describing as a good human being (but I could also go to bat to justify a lot of Elijah and Shoshana’s actions. That’s another topic for a different day.) But GIRLS focuses on what it’s like as a young woman today, and Mad Men showed us the life of an ad man in the past.

So why didn’t Mad Men get as much hate? I don’t remember seeing buzz pieces about how Don Draper just needed to grow up. No one complained it was unrealistic that Vincent Kartheiser’s character continued to hookup with women despite his appearance becoming less conventionally attractive as the show went on. (The fact that the hair/makeup team intentionally gave him an increasingly more intense receding hairline is actually one of my favorite details of the show’s production.)

No one argued that the characters needed to change professions to actually contribute to society. Part of this is probably that working at Sterling Cooper is the epitome of a “real job” for many people’s metrics, but I really don’t see how their work gave back in anyway. Their whole objective was to convince masses of people to spend money on things they don’t actually need. Ray at least became a community board member. Hannah turned to education (however bad she was at a high school level, she was trying to do good and probably succeeds in some ways at the college where she ends up). Jessa was working on becoming a therapist to help other addicts, though her career path perhaps fell through. But most of the characters on GIRLS don’t have 401Ks, so obviously they aren’t successful.

Believe me, I fully recognize how “meta” this might be for a young woman to be analyzing potential sexism in pop culture by writing a blog about...a woman who analyzes sexism in pop culture by writing blogs. But season six’s “American Bitch” was one of the most profoundly complex episodes of television—analyzing consent and power dynamics between men and women, and I fear many people will never see it because they wrote off the show as being all about self centered, immature, well, girls. And that just didn’t happen with Mad Men, despite our lead man continually cheating on his wife with both prostitutes and women he meets throughout the show, yelling at his children for little to no reason, controlling his second wife’s career due to jealousy, spiraling into alcoholism and drug abuse, bailing on his professional commitments, and, consistent with the time, being a bit racist, sexist, and anti semitic. But all of Don Draper’s negative character traits are excused because of the time period or perhaps more specifically because they are expectations of men during this time period. 

In contrast, Hannah’s negative character traits are generally the opposite of expectations for women. She’s loud and a tad abrasive. She’s unashamed and unapologetic of her “unconventional” body. She has a lot of sex with different people and doesn’t care who knows it. She’s selfish and narcissistic. She doesn’t really take responsibility for her actions. She’s not often a good friend. These are things we aren’t used to seeing in women in television—especially not women we’re supposed to be empathizing and rooting for. It’s no surprise that some people cannot handle her.

I also think it’s important to note that it is impossible to separate GIRLS from Lena Dunham. Jon Hamm—while a talented actor and arguably the heart of the success of his show—was not the main creator/writer/showrunner. And for various reasons, people have decided they hate this 30 year old writer/producer/actress/director, and so perhaps that’s why they hate the show. But both shows have been critically successful and won awards (specifically the Golden Globe for best television series in their respective categories), so the incredibly different public reception baffles me.

I have many friends who identify as television connoisseurs who loved Mad Men, but whenever I bring up GIRLS to my fellow pretentious viewers, I usually get, “Ugh, I just couldn’t handle it. They’re all so annoying.” You could argue that with a longer episode length and just more episodes overall, Mad Men was able to tell a more complex story over time. You could also argue that because it was a period drama, it made the viewer reflect on humanity as a whole and how it has progressed in some ways, but not so much in others. And you might even be able to argue that with GIRLS being a comedy that thrives on revealing the awkwardness of real life on a channel that happily shows more nudity, it just isn’t for everyone.

But if you are reading this and hate GIRLS but have no problem with Mad Men, I want you to seriously consider why. Would Hannah be more forgivable if she were a man? And would you have stuck with Don if he were a woman? That’s what’s tricky about calling out sexism in today’s society: it’s hard to tell.

[faithnotes-blog]

What it Means to be Married to A Poor Performer

Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers,... Matthew 25:24-27

Jesus told the famous story of people who were given talents. Some performed well and came back with more talents. But one of them was a “ Poor Performer”. He came back with very bad results. He performed poorly on his mission. Indeed, some wives are Poor Performers like this man who was given one talent. A poor performing wife is a disappointment, to say the least. Much was expected from the one talent given to her. Instead she came back with excuses and accusations.

Poor Performers are powerful accusers and great manufacturers of excuses. Their excuses and counter accusations are the only defences they have for their poor performances.

The Poor Performer is a woman of great promise, greatly admired by the outside world and full of charm and attraction. She presents herself as the beautiful lady who should be everything the pastor has dreamed about and wished for. Unfortunately, this is not to be the case.

Go and cry in the ears of Jerusalem, saying, Thus saith the Lord; I remember thee, the kindness of thy youth, the love of thine espousals, when thou wentest after me in the wilderness, in a land that was not sown. Jeremiah 2:2

Anyone who marries a Poor Performer has married a lady who dresses up beautifully and looks nice on the outside, but basically has nothing else to offer. Often, she is a beautifully dressed up but lazy woman who has little energy for anything else apart from giving a good impression.

The Beauty

The Poor Performer is a success in public and all the brothers are left wishing that they had chosen such a charming queen. But the one who actually chooses her is going to be disappointed because she is a Poor Performer in the private life of her marriage. She is excellent on the outside but has little to offer on the inside. There is a surprise in the basket.

Then the cover of lead was raised, and there in the basket sat a woman! He said, “THIS IS WICKEDNESS,” and he pushed her back into the basket and pushed the lead cover down over its mouth. Zechariah 5:7-8 (NIV)

It takes almost no training for a girl to grow up liking clothes, make-up and all the things that make a girl pretty. Because no training is required for this, The Poor Performer comes naturally with the skills to look good. Also, it is natural for ladies to want to give a good impression on the outside. The Poor Performer is good at giving a good impression on the outside.

Before the marriage to the man of God, she is exuberant with great promises of the delights she will offer to her husband when they get married.

Before marriage her tasty dressing styles greatly stir up the interest of her husband-to-be. Her charming smile, long beautiful hair and her positive attitude are the epitome of attraction.

Before marriage, she says how greatly she desires to have sex with her husband. These statements greatly excite her husband-to-be, who imagines with excitement what he will experience when he gets married to her.

Before marriage, she speaks positively of the kitchen and of the food she knows how to prepare. When asked about her culinary skills, she tells of the “chicken sauce” that she plans to make for her husband.

The young deluded pastor is drawn like a magnet to this exciting creature. “Were you created or were you specially crafted?” he asks. He assumes that this attractive personality has all the qualities that he will ever need and that her public appearance corresponds to her skills in private life. What a shock is in store for him! There is a surprise in the basket!

Spirituality: A Poor Performer

One of the worst ever pastors’ wives to be written about was John Wesley’s wife. She was described as being “NO MORE THAN CONVENTIONALLY RELIGIOUS”. This is a description of someone who was not deeply religious and obviously unspiritual.

Unspirituality is the foundation for all poorly performing wives. John Wesley’s wife was such a bad wife that his brother, Charles Wesley said, after enduring insults and complaints from her, “I MUST PRAY OR SINK INTO A SPIRIT OF REVENGE.”

One pastor was greatly disappointed in his wife’s spirituality. He had been deceived by her apparent interest in God and the ministry before they got married. He could not understand how she had become uninterested in spiritual things after they got married. I explained to him, “She was never interested in spiritual things. You were deceived by her apparent zeal for God.”

There are many people in church today who are not interested in spiritual things, but they want a deceived pastor to choose them and marry them. An unspiritual and disobedient lady is a candidate to becoming a Poor Performer in every area of marriage. It indeed takes spirituality and obedience to the Word to be a good performer in all the necessary areas.

The Work of Ministry: A Poor Performer

Instead of helping in the ministry, The Poor Performer is unable to engage the church members and relate to them nicely. The Poor Performer is a poor hostess and does not make church members feel at home when they come around. If you thought you were going to be assisted greatly in ministry, you made a big mistake. The Poor Performer is not hospitable, cannot cater for people, cannot pray, cannot preach, cannot counsel, cannot work on a computer or perform any other administrative work. The Poor Performer cannot even get a job to help with the financial situation at home. A Poor Performer is nothing and has nothing to offer! Marrying her is like buying a doll! Beautiful to look at, but unable to do anything!

Hard work: A Poor Performer

The man of God is shocked to find out that his beautiful bride is lazy. She is not as wonderful as she looks in public. At home she will not wake up early and do hard work. Anything that involves hard work like cooking, cleaning and working around the house is neglected.

Engaging in hard work is different from getting dressed, painting your face, putting on make-up and wearing artificial hair! The Poor Performer is only good at getting her hair done, getting clothes, getting made-up and looking good for the Sunday show. One husband lamented about how he had to wash his wife’s panties because she simply would not wash them. A Poor Performer will leave all the work undone.

Food: A Poor Performer

A young lady who is untrained and untutored at home is a perfect candidate for a Poor Performer. After some time in the marriage it becomes clear to the man of God that his wife can’t cook and won’t cook.

I remember a pastor who would go home to a beautiful wife, who simply did not know how to cook. He had to buy cooked food from town and bring it home so he could eat together with his wife and children.

The “chicken sauce”, which she had spoken of, was an experimental dish she had once made. It was by no means something that could and would be regularly eaten in the house. The Poor Performer had read about various recipes on the internet, but had not actually made any of them! A man of God once became a well-known visitor in every restaurant within ten miles from his house. There was nothing to eat at home and his poorly performing wife would not rise up to the occasion of feeding him.

Another Poor Performer caused her husband to become a chimpanzee. His special meal was bananas and he could eat an entire bunch within a few seconds. His house often lacked food because his wife did not like cooking ; so he would fill his stomach with bananas every time he did not have food to eat.

Bringing up Children: A Poor Performer

A Poor Performer is also poor at bringing up children. She will not get up to give the children a bath and dress them because it is too much work for her to do. Many children are not brought up by their mothers but by maids, servants and other relatives.

Sometimes, the husband is the nanny and the principal caregiver of his children. Meanwhile, The Poor Performer struts around proudly in public, showing off the children that she does not look after! A senior pastor once told me, “For over thirty years of our marriage, my wife never looked after our children. I had to employ people to bath them, to prepare them for school, to cook for them and to help them with their homework. She simply would not do any of the domestic things that had to do with bringing up children.” She was just interested in dressing up and looking good.

Home Appearance: A Poor Performer

In the bedroom, our pretty and exciting creature ties up her hair and hides it in an unevenly shaped synthetic black cloth. This black material creates the most unusual head shape ever seen sitting on top of a rounded head. That is all that is left of the beautiful hairstyle that once attracted the man of God.

Our Poor Performer strips herself of all forms of jewellery and now resembles a boy, perhaps even her own brother. She is not interested in bathing and dressing nicely at home, since no one will see that part of her. But the pastoral husband must endure this new and homely look without complaint. If he dares say anything about anything, he will receive a myriad of excuses and perhaps one or two counter accusations.

Love and Comfort: A Poor Performer

She is superficial in her relationships. She has no hugs, no eye contact, no nice words, no kisses and no friendliness for her husband. She never cuddles up to him because she is not that type. The person who seemed to be an exciting creature outside has nothing to say at home. She claims she is the quiet type and does not know what to say in conversation to her husband.

She never sits by him to talk to him. She never notices if he is dressed properly or not. If she is a singer, she never sings to him or for him. If she is a secretary, she never does secretarial work for him. She is a Poor Performer at home.

Sex: A Poor Performer

In the bed, the sexual performance is of the poorest kind. She offers him “cadaveric sex” 90% of the time. “Cadaveric sex” is like having sex with a cadaver. Just as you can have bad food, you can have bad sex. The Poor Performer is an unwilling partner for 90% of her sexual interaction with her husband. She was interested in sex at the very beginning when she wanted to have a child. When that season passed, her interest in sex ended.

Her lack of spirituality and her stubbornness result in low energy for the sexual act. She soon becomes a mattress upon which her husband may lie if he wants. When she does have sex, she never initiates it!

She will say, “It’s up to him to do whatever he wants. My vagina is available, if he wants to go there.” She is a cadaver, and you need to see it to believe it. There is no interest, no kissing, no sounds, no movement, no oral sex, no styles, no smiles, no energy. Is it any wonder that the man of God stops having sex altogether?

The man of God is in danger of sexual starvation. The Poor Performer is completely uninterested in the sex act and wonders why her pastoral husband makes so much fuss about sex.

The Dangers

1. Resentment: The man of God may begin to resent all the activities of his wife in which she receives public praise and acknowledgement for her graciousness and charm. When people say, “behind every great man is a ‘great woman’”, it irritates the poor performer’s husband. He wants to shout that the statement is not true. “I’m a great man but I do not have a great woman behind me.”

2. Domestication of the husband: The man of God is in danger of being domestically overworked, as he may have to cover up for the housekeeping lapses of his poorly performing wife. The man of God will be seen cooking in private, serving himself food, serving others food, bathing children, dressing them up, doing their hair, cleaning the home, organising the laundry, wiping up the mess in the house and tidying up. He will do all these things in secret and present his wife to the world as a virtuous woman. Meanwhile, the reality is that she is a Poor Performer.

One pastor told me that he was in danger of starvation because his wife simply would not provide food for him. He said, “My children do not even ask their mother for food any more. They just come to me directly and say, ‘Daddy, we are hungry’”.

3. Regret: The man of God may regret his marriage to this beautiful, dressing specialist who does not attract him with her poor performance at home. The Poor Performer lumbers around the bedroom, totally unaware and totally uninterested in anything domestic or anything sexual.

And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 25:30

4. Cynicism: The man of God is in danger of becoming cynical and unimpressed with any beautiful girl he sees walking around in church. He may begin to wrongly think to himself that all beautiful girls are poor performers.

by Dag Heward-Mills