#they were rowdy kids but god they deserved so much better than they got

[autotheophagic]

crazy how grief and horror crops up unexpectedly for ur entire life eh

[aceofthyme]

WAIT WAIT TELL ME ABOUT YOUR ARTILLERY GUY IM SO INTRIGUED, WHATS HIS NAME, WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE, WHAT ARE SOME FUN FACTS, GIVE ME DEETS!!!!

YES YES okay there are so many things I have to say but I am going to try not to totally overwhelm with this post lol

For starters: his name is Lawrence Porter Hale, and he's the eldest of three brothers—the other two being Davis "Davie" Warren Hale, and Orville Conrad "Matt" Hale. All three grew up around Chicago, with Lawrence being born in late 1827 and the other two following in intervals of about two years. All three boys have hair in some shade of red or reddish-brown; Lawrence has dark auburn hair with green eyes. He's also relatively tall, somewhere around 5'10" or 5'11" ish I think? I can't seem to find my exact notes on that so I could be totally wrong, but I do know I described him as tall and lanky in his teen years so that's probably about right! In middle age, he's a fair deal softer (which is good bc he struggled a lot with food and things, he is happier and healthier now!) than he was as a teen, though. (there's. more beneath the cut. so much more,,,)

The boys grew up in a mixed religion household, with their mother being Jewish and their father Christian (of some variety, haven't yet decided). All three received an education, and I should note that Lawrence was particularly precocious; arithmetic was always a strong suit for him, and he can run sums in his head as well as read with intense speed. He could have been an engineer, easily, but Lawrence didn't actually go to college initially for...a few reasons that are a bit more complicated to explain (aside from a lack of funding). Chiefly, he thought it was more important that he help ensure his brothers got the education and help they needed—especially because Davie was pretty sickly as a kid—, so he began work with the rail companies and ended up a conductor at a pretty young age (that is, relatively). He's definitely very passionate about trains, so the job was a perfect fit, but he was going through a lot of things at that time and was pretty badly off for a while before he got better. Afterward, he met his partners—he's got two, they have a lil polycule and six children—and everything was pretty grand for a while before the war.

In the war, Lawrence served with an artillery unit. Those good ol' math skills were very helpful, as well as what he picked up over the years from his train friends. All of this is still sort of in development in my brain, but I've currently stuck him with Battery H of the 1st Illinois Light Artillery as it seems rather fitting! I haven't given much thought to rank yet but that's mostly because I haven't thoroughly examined the roster beyond a glance. After the war, he returned to being a conductor!

Lawrence met his wife, Penelope, when he was ill, and she nursed him back to health and the two fell in love! He met his other partner, Peter, onboard a train; Peter was the barkeep, and they sort of crossed paths and then there was this whole fight thing with a rowdy passenger and...it's a long story but yeah lol, I can always share more info if more info is desired. I can also share a picture of Lawrence, I know I have a proper picrew somewhere at the very least (I sure as heck can't draw, but thank god for picrews).

Okay and then. let's see are there other fun facts I can rustle up. Uh. Lawrence smokes a pipe (occasionally. this might have started with the war), usually prefers going by Porter rather than Lawrence (his partners + fam get rights to that), and also he has a raging sweet tooth but he really likes food in general ngl. He is very attached to his conductor's cap, too! Oh and after the war, his whole family sees to it that he gets the chance to go pursue a degree because He Deserves It. Anywho. That is a basic rundown on Lawrence and I love him very much asdfghj

[peaky-whore]

What Happens to the Heart • J. Shelby [Part One]

Pairing: John Shelby x Fem!Reader

Word count: 1,656

Warning: None

Summary: You’re the best of friends with John.

A/n: This is in your point of view. Also, I’m sorry is this doesn’t make sense, it will eventually. And there is a memory in here, so that’ll be the italics. Overall, this is just the beginning!

To say John and I were the best of friends would be an understatement, the two of us were inseparable from the day we met; wherever he was, there was no doubt I’d be right by him. Dangerous, or not.

Most of the time, though, folks thought we were in a relationship, something along those lines. Other times, we’d get ourselves into trouble, Polly - my mom also - wouldn’t be pleased to talk us out of jail. To make it short, we’d get smacked in the back of the head by our guardians whilst on the way to Watery Lane, along with lectures on how to behave, I was even told that my actions are not ladylike. They still loved us, I know that much.

Our closeness brought me unexpected feelings for the Shelby boy, and though we told each other everything - from my first kiss to his first fuck - I would never admit how I felt towards him. Especially since he found a girl he fancies. There was no way I was going to break them up, I loved him too much to do something destructive as that.

So there I sit, awaiting his arrival at the Garrison. I couldn’t even order a damn drink without him. But as minutes turned into a half hour, and that an hour, I gave up. He wasn’t coming, Martha probably needed him more than I, but as a good friend, I’m okay with that; as a secret admirer, however, I felt jealous - I just despised the thought of it - upset that he’d ditch me here.

Just as I was going to walk out, here came the handsome, blue eyed man himself. He looked to be panting.

“I’m sorry, Y/n, but Martha kept me. Sit. I have something to tell you.” He explained, hooking his arm with mine and pulling me to a secluded table. The smile he wore was one I have never seen before, so I couldn’t help but follow along and sit across from him.

The news must have been too important for drinks.

He looked at me, a smile still plastered on his flawless face, one that will most definitely be stuck in my mind for days on end. John looked like a little boy, happy that he was told he had good manners and behaviour in school, whilst really, he was quite the opposite. Except the manners, he had those covered.

I rested my arms on the table and leaned forward, impatiently waiting for him to speak. “Oh, get on with it John.” There is no way I’m playing the guessing game tonight.

“Martha, she’s with child. My child. Y/n, I’m gonna be a father.” It felt as if he’d spoken a foreign language, one I couldn’t understand but still heard. I’m sure my expression is surprised, since he waited for me to talk. I simply couldn’t.

Before he started to ask questions, I cleared my throat and threw on a forced smile. “Congratulations, John-boy. You’re a man now, I hope you know.” He let out a playful scoff and an eye roll, making us laugh.

“I’ve always been a man.” He replied, giving a smug smirk at the end. His eyes met mine for a brief moment before looking towards the shelves of liquor behind me. “I think this deserves a drink, eh?” Before I could answer him, he got up, lifted me by the arm and drug me across the nearly empty pub, and ordered us whiskey - an entire bottle to be precise.

This happened until the war broke out, boys across Europe were being sent to fight for their people, or enlisting, including John, and his two elder brothers, Arthur and Thomas. By then, Martha was pregnant with their fourth child, meaning she’d be alone for the birth of their baby girl, or boy. And she was, but Polly, Ada, Finn, and I were present, keeping her company before and after she went into labour.

It’s been four years since the boys left, leaving families behind, I know some won’t be returning, and it breaks my heart just thinking about it. There will be so many mothers, sisters, aunts, and wives without their men. And the ones that do return are going to be stuck with those God awful memories, nightmares.

Since they left, I’ve been the opposite of trouble, I’d actually gone to church with Polly and her little clan, along with Martha and her children. I prayed for the boy’s safety, that included my two elder brothers and the many cousins I have. They all meant the world to me, each of them taught me something valuable, and I couldn’t let the thought of them not coming home get the better of me, so I turned to God. Polly turned me to God.

And because so many unspeakable events happened in these long, devastating four years, all I wanted was my brothers home, and John. How I longed for him.

It must be pathetic to be falling this hard for your best friend - your now best friend’s husband - I hated how much I wanted him for myself. He’s got a beautiful wife, smart and rowdy children, there’s no way I could be that selfish. John has what he always wanted, a family of his own.

What kind of monster would try to take him away from those he cared for and loved? The question was branded into my brain and was beyond hard to ignore.

Tragedy struck when Martha fell ill, her sickness was beyond the doctors, and she was put on bed rest until it was her time to go. I couldn’t face not having her around, she and I became rather close - practically sisters - in the last few years. As time went on, she died peacefully in her and John’s shared home. Their children were heartbroken, they were young but old enough to know what death is.

Since her funeral, Polly put me on nanny duty, knowing she didn’t have time for them and the betting shop, I agreed. During the first few weeks, the children were a mess, throwing tantrums for their mother, refusing any food I cooked and bedtime. They soon got comfortable with me around more, until Polly announced she heard Germany had surrendered and all countries agreed to stop fighting until their negotiation was set.

Although I was still mourning the loss of Martha, I couldn’t be anymore happy that our boys will be coming home to us. The kids were beyond the moon that their dad was returning, and so it was the same thing all over again; they were acting up again, asking for their daddy.

I promised them soon.

Which brought us here, Birmingham train station, with loads of women and children, along with relatives of the men’s families. I held Daniel at my hip, glancing up from him telling me about his day every once in a while to see if the train was near, surely I would hear it if it were nearby.

This morning, early this morning, I would pinch myself to see if this were a cruel dream, or if it were real.

“I hear it!” Exclaimed Ada, her arms draped around Finn’s shoulders, keeping him in place so he doesn’t wander off. She gave a big smile and as if on queue, I heard the horn from a distance.

My heart rapidly pounded against my chest. It’ll be the first time in four years that I’ve seen my brothers. What scares me most is that they’ll be mad at me for not writing and telling any of them about our mother, but she made me promise not too until they got home, so I kept my word.

The train took another five minutes before it stopped in front of us, all our men were soon off once the doors opened. I searched from where I was standing for the two goofs that were my brothers, of course, not like I didn’t expect it, they stepped off with blank expressions; no look of happiness to be home.

I couldn’t help but let my tears flow. They’re not the same boys I grew up with, but men who’ve experienced more than they should whilst on the battlefield. The boys who used to be carefree and adventurous were not the men standing mere feet away from me. I secured Daniel before squeezing through the crowded train station, almost face to face with my older brothers. They looked different but I still recognized their faces.

Their cold gazes met my figure and softened. Immediately, I was embraced by both of them, sobbing onto their uniforms in no time.

“Is . . . is this real?” I asked frantically, not wanting them to disappear if I were to let go of them. They let out light chuckles and nodded.

“I’m afraid so, little sister, you can’t rid us that easy.” Mason jokes, trying to lighten up the mood, I could see his eyes searching for someone. Our mum. How am I going to tell them? It’ll be more difficult than I thought now that they’re here.

Andrew looked down at Daniel, his eyes lighting up. “Got yourself a bloke I see. Hope he’s treated you well whilst we were away.” He started to make silly faces at the boy in my arms, causing him to giggle. I shook my head, tightening my hold on him so he wouldn’t accidentally fall.

“He’s a sweetheart, but if you look closely, the boy resembles a Shelby. I’ve taken on the care of Martha and John’s lovely children since she died.” They looked at me like I sprouted two heads. “Yeah. Almost a year ago. Pestilence.”

But before another word was spoken, I was being embraced by someone else. Someone oddly familiar. Nonetheless, I wrapped my arms around them, feeling a sudden warmth, one I’d been missing more and more as the years went on.

“John.”

•••

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[generallybarzy]

did you miss me? ❤ mat barzal

Part 1-  ~2,750 words

So that video of Barzy singing this song (which I will never stop reblogging) brought up some old nostalgic memories because I kinda forgot this song existed and I used to listen to it so much when I was younger. So I listened to it and started feeling emotions. I’m sorry if this is too crazy I just really went off. @matbaezal​ because I promised you this. I hope its okay, it’s my first real hockey boy fic.

Summary:  You get the opportunity of a lifetime, but it means saying goodbye to your boyfriend for half a year. Mat starts feeling a little bit of self-doubt in the relationship. This part is literally just describing your’s and Mat���s separate sides of the experience and then a fluffy scene. There WILL be a second, emotional part eventually. 

As you pushed yourself down into the cramped airplane seat and tried to drown out the noise of rowdy children a few seats behind you, you pulled out your phone and pressed on the ‘Mat❤’ contact one last time in a final attempt to send one text to your boyfriend. But no matter how many texts you sent, that damn little ‘Not Delivered’ message just had to keep popping up. 

It really felt like the world was out to get you these past few days.

You hadn’t been able to get a hold of your boyfriend for the last three days- even when the messages did deliver- to tell him about your flight back, and now the flight itself was late and it was gonna take a few extra hours until you were back home. In all honesty, you didn’t even know if he would still be waiting when you got back. The internet connection had never seemed crappier than when you just wanted to send just one more text to him before your flight. Airports had never seemed more crowded than the moment you began to become overwhelmed with the need to just be home. Six months had never felt like a longer time than when you just needed to crawl into your boyfriend’s arms.

The last six months had really been something, huh? You could barely believe they’d even happened at all. 

As someone heading into the social work field after college, you had always wanted to get out in the world and help people less fortunate than yourself, which is why you jumped at the opportunity to fly with other students from your university to underdeveloped countries to do nonprofit work and volunteering to get a taste of what this career path would feel like. And damn, how cool would it be to put something that good on a resume? It was the opportunity of a lifetime for you, so it should’ve been an easy decision to jump on that plane. But of course, there was still one thing that made you hesitate- Mathew Barzal.

Six months ago, at the start of all this craziness, you had left behind your amazing boyfriend. Of course, Mathew was 100% down with your decision, happy you were getting the chance to do what you love and explore beyond the world you were used to, but that didn’t make it any easier to go without him. The two of you had been dating for a solid 4 months at that point and had been hanging out as much as your hectic schedules allowed, always there to pick up each other’s pieces after a hard day. Knowing that you wouldn’t have someone to curl into and hold at the end of the day was the biggest obstacle standing between you and the potential start of your dream career. God, you would miss him so much. But you wanted to go so bad, to look for your passion, your career, yourself.  

You remember holding onto Mat after telling him about your conflicted feelings, tears in your eyes as you tried to savor the feeling of his arms around you. “I want this so much. It could be the start of my career. I want to find myself, you know? But you deserve someone who can be there for you.” Mat shook his head a bit. He always made it well known that he appreciated every moment he got with you, even if it wasn’t much on certain days.

“You are there for me.” He insisted.

“But now I’m going to miss six months, Mat! Half a year! By the time I’m back, you might not even like me anymore.” With teary eyes, you looked up at him. “It’ll be easier if we just break it off right now so you can find someone else. Someone who can be there-” 

“Hey, hey.” Mat tried to hush you with a kiss, but you pulled back.

“Six months, Mat, we haven’t even been together that long yet.” You spoke softer this time. “That’s a long time to be without someone.”

“Shut up, please, babe. Shut up.” He pulled back to look at you, holding your gaze and letting you know he was serious now. “Look, it might be a long time, but I’m not gonna let you hold yourself back for me, alright? You want this, right?” You nodded. “Yeah. This is an amazing chance for you to start your dream. Your dream! You’re gonna change the world, babe. And I can promise you I won’t just stop liking you because you want to chase that dream.” His thumb stroked across your cheek and a smile finally cracked across your face as you were reminded again of his dedication to your relationship.

“It’s gonna be so hard, though. I might not be able to answer calls or FaceTime with you very often. And the time zones…” 

“I can handle it. I’ve got plenty of pictures of you on my phone for when I get lonely.” You laughed at that, reaching up to lace your fingers through his hair. “And we’ll just have to savor our time together for the next few weeks. Make every second count.” He lay a few kisses across your face and smiled into the crook of your neck. “Go find your purpose, babe. Do a little soul-searching. I’ll still be here waiting when you get back. I promise.” 

———-

Six months without Mat may have been hard on you, but you were also getting the chance to do things you loved and find your purpose. On the other hand, Mat, while he happily supported and encouraged your choice and never let you think he doubted it, wondered if maybe you would come back and realize that there was a lot more to life than staying with him. You were finishing a degree- and a freaking cool one at that- traveling the world, helping people and doing good in the world, and he was just a hockey player. A great one, sure, but still just a hockey player. 

You were smarter, more compassionate, an overall cooler person than him, and soon to be better traveled and more knowledgeable about life in the underdeveloped parts of the world that most city people rarely spared a thought for. It was just a matter of time before you realized just how much better you were than him. You could find someone out there, someone else who’s volunteering, and you’d fall in love with how selfless and worldly they were. You’d fall in love and get married and go on saving the world together, while Mat was still just scoring goals on TV, living alone-

Shit, I have to stop thinking like that. You liked him. He liked you. Done. 

He wasn’t sure when all this self-doubt started- it was so unlike him. Maybe it was after he would get back from late-night games to find you waiting on his couch, stressed over your own assignments but still there nonetheless to help him relax, putting everything aside for him. Of course, he did the same for you as much as he could, but with practice and games and roadies and media days and more practice and more games, he felt like he couldn’t be there for you as much as he wanted. 

Surely, while you were out there doing some soul-searching in a foreign country, you’d realize that you could do better than him.

After you left, Mat realized just how lonely he was without you. The two of you hadn’t even lived together before you moved out, but he understood now that you had been a much bigger part of his life than he ever realized. Sure, he had his teammates and his friends, and they hung out often, but he couldn’t really go over to their place and snuggle them at the end of the day. He couldn’t have them come over just so that he would have someone to hold- to fall asleep and wake up next to. There was a hole in his life.

Mat remembers the moment he realized why all these feelings- the doubt, the loneliness, the fear of losing you- were so intense. A month or so into your trip, he was FaceTiming you and the feeling of being separated was still new. It was almost time for you to go to bed, but Mat had just gotten back from practice and was upset that he couldn’t spend the rest of his day on a call with you. He was sitting at the table in his apartment, propping his head up with his fist and smiling at you through the phone. You were thousands of miles away, sitting up on your bed, looking exhausted with your makeup-less face and hair thrown up in a bun, a radiant smile across your face and wearing a hoodie of his, the one you took with. “A part of you to cuddle out there”, you’d said. She’s so beautiful. “Are you having fun?”

“So much, Mat!” Your smile was contagious. 

“Tell me about it.” Even if he was upset you were so far, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Is it everything you wanted?” 

“And more! I got to hang out with a bunch of the underprivileged kids today, they’re so sweet! We’re helping them make better schools here so that all the children can get a chance at an education. We’re flying over books and materials for them, too! They’re all so excited to have us here…” He listened intently, honestly interested and amazed by everything you were doing. “I really think I found what I wanna do for the rest of my life, Mat. I’d prefer to not be so far from you, though…” You really were finding yourself, making a difference, changing the future, and he was so in love with that. 

In love with you.

“Babe, go get some sleep alright?” Mat laughed slightly after a while as you lost your train of thought and started dozing off a bit. “You got a big day of changing the world tomorrow. Call me when you get lonely.” You nodded sleepily at him. “G’night, (Y/N).” I love you, he wanted to add before he ended the call. But you were already half asleep, thousands of miles across the ocean from him. It wasn’t the right time. 

In love. Wow. 

Mat had to take a moment that night to think. He knew that he liked you, seriously liked you, from the moment you had your first date. But now, knowing he loved you? He couldn’t stop smiling that night, dreaming of the ways he would tell you. He couldn’t calm down at practice the next few days either, all smiles and giggly to his teammates, who were honestly getting a bit tired of hearing Mat gush over you. Like, it was sweet and all but Mat, could you please for the love of God focus on practice? 

Through all the wins and losses, the stressful games and lonely nights, at the end of the day, nothing could wipe that smile off his face. Because he was in love with you.

And he couldn’t wait for you to get back home.

———-

Part of you felt like it had been years since you’d last seen Mat in person, the other part felt like it was just yesterday that you left him at this very airport. Now, back in the United States, standing in the airport and hopefully minutes away from being back in Mat’s arms, you were sure that all your time away from him was worth it, thinking back on all the people you’d helped and the lives you’d changed. You’d made it. Made it through six months without him, and you enjoyed every moment of the work you’d done there, even if it was spent without him.

At this point, you hadn’t heard from him in three days, and before that there were only a few back and forth messages that had taken hours to respond to. You’d texted him before and during the flight, reminding him that today was the day you’re coming back. He didn’t answer. Okay, you thought, maybe the times just didn’t match up and he was just busy. Maybe he was at a game or practice. For three days, though? What time is it, anyway? You sent him another text, thankful the messages were finally delivering. ‘Hey, I’m back :) You there?’ It’s fine, it’s fine, he probably just doesn’t have time to respond yet. Maybe… maybe he broke his phone? But another part of your mind wandered into darker areas. Maybe he did get tired of you. Maybe he needed someone and you didn’t respond fast enough, so he went out to find someone new. Maybe he wasn’t going to show up after all. You shut off your phone in defeat. 

Maybe you were on your own now…

“Hey, (Y/N).” 

One statement alone had never made you feel as much as at that moment. All the bustling noise of the airport went silent in your ears as you turned toward the voice in what felt like slow motion. There, a few feet away from you, your boyfriend of 10 months now stood in front of a bench, looking sleepy and disheveled and wearing your favorite hoodie, one that you had often told him he looked really boyfriend-like in. He had a bright smile and a soft flush on his face. “Mat.” All your worries of him not showing up were suddenly forgotten as you dropped all your bags and met him halfway, falling into his waiting arms as he lifted you off the ground in a hug. “Mathew. Mat, Mat, Mat…” You let out all the emotions of the last six months, tucking your head into his neck and feeling dizzy with happiness at the familiar, comforting scent of his cologne. His arms held your waist close against him, his nose finding its usual place by your temple, breathing in your shampoo. 

“Did you miss me out there?” He set you back on your own two feet and you pulled out of the hug only slightly to look up at him, studying his face as you held it between your hands. He’d changed a bit since you last saw him in person- still the same Mat, your Mat- but somehow he seemed warmer, softer, happier. Not that he was unhappy before, but now he was just… lighter. He’d cut his hair a little bit and it suited him, and his face was completely clean-shaven. But that beautiful, vast grin that always left you smiling was the same as always. You smiled and pressed your lips to his, threading your fingers through his hair. Finally. Finally. Seeing Mat on a tiny phone screen could never compare to being here in person, holding him, kissing him, feeling his arms around your waist. Six months of lost time exploded between you, and it felt like hours before you pulled away breathless, with grins on both of your faces. 

“So much, Mat. I missed you so, so much.” You pulled yourself back into him, one hand on his shoulder and the other tracing along his jaw, and choked back a happy sob. “You scared me so much. You didn’t answer my texts. I thought you weren’t going to show up. I thought you’d actually moved on.” The grin fell from his face immediately. 

“Shit, really? I was just trying to surprise you. I thought it’d be romantic?” You laughed into his chest. Mat, Mat, Mat. He was the same as always.

“I missed you. So much.” You felt him smile as he pressed his lips against your neck, just taking a moment to hold you. 

“You’ve gotta tell me everything about this trip. Was it everything you wanted?“ 

"Later, Mat. I just wanna get out of this airport and back to someplace more private.” It was physically starting to hurt that you couldn’t just jump on him and cuddle him right here at the airport. 

“Your place first?" 

"No. Your place. I just want to shower and sleep right now. And you’re crazy if you think I want to go home without you after all this” You shared a smile with him again, still overjoyed to be back home with him, not wanting this intimate moment to end. Then again, moments like this can’t be that intimate when you’re literally standing in the middle of a crowded airport. Mat grabbed some of your luggage and tucked you snug into his side, right where you belonged. 

“Well, I’m not gonna complain about that.”

❤

——

//But tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet? Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day, And head back to the Milky Way? And tell me, did Venus blow your mind? Was it everything you wanted to find? And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?//

——-

[nijimurakyo]

Please do Kakyoin and Pucci for the ask hcs thingy! (Or Josuke if you don't want to do/have already done one of those two!)

👾 KAKYOIN 🍒

sexuality headcanon: i love self-projecting (plus!!!! i think araki confirmed it idk) so he's bisexual!!!!! :D

gender headcanon: non biney. they've got no binary. insert video game pun here today no gender no nothing

a ship i have with her: ignoring all the other gross fans of it (i am looking AWAY) i rly do think j*takak works in a character foil for each other sorta way, plus it's just funny to me bc I think they fake-date but for real fake

a brotp i have with them: I THINK HIM AND ABDUL GET ALONG LIKE GENUINELY THATS UH *INCOHERENT MUMBLING* FUCKING they often talk abt mythology together and the fact that abdul also had his stand since childhood tells me they'd get along so well (plus that's why he wasn't there for the death 13 arc he'd believe kak plus that baby's a fucking tiyanak) and polnareff too even tho she's so mean to him (bc pol and kaks dynamic reminds me of me and my kuya ^__^)

a notp i have with him: well i don't wanna say any of the ships but y'know. anyone else bc as much as I'm "eh" towards it at least jotaros her age shipping him w anybody else makes me feel so gross

a random headcanon: having met his pinoy relatives (from mom's side) they were convinced hierophant was a dead relative's spirit for a long while guarding him bc pinoy superstition and all, that's why his mom scolds her family for making him think that way bc she hasn't grown out of hierophant. ALSO that's what he discusses with abdul!!!!!

general opinion over them: hugest cc ever oh my GOD the way most people treat him makes me froth at the mouth i only trust certain people about her but he's also another genuinely great character and i feel like even if he could've been used for great potential his final battle with dio wraps up his character nicely so he's played his part well.

🌙 PUCCI ⭐

sexuality headcanon: he's gay. *pointing* fruit (affectionate)

gender headcanon: i like to think of him as a trans man!!!

a ship i have with him: sorry pucci you deserved so much better also i don't ship him w anyone ¯\_( ͠° ͟ʖ °͠ )_/¯

a brotp i have with him: MAN it's gonna sound weird but if he were to get a redemption arc with aus I'd say jolyne, yes it's bc I remember that comic where he says he'll officiate her foo fighters wedding since she can't marry ermes. Yes I'm emotional thinking about him and jotaro too, it's also gonna take a lot of therapy and i don't think they'll ever think of him as great but him and weather...... fuck..

a notp i have with him: EASILY DI///OPUCCI GIRL HELP HE WAS 16 WHEN THEY MET........ i like to think that dios his fucked up roommate and also: pucci being his kids fucked up godfather

a random headcanon: him finding out he could insert random music discs into people to play them like a radio was entirely by accident when he decided to look cool by flinging one at someone like a frisbee only to find out it wasn't a memory or stand disc, he's seen them so much he just mistook it as his stand disc

general opinion over him: hes such a tragic character but also so beautifully written, araki knows to give villains fucked endings but he's one of the few who got a respectful death (choked out by an 11-year old which in comparison, is better than i don't know eternal limbo as a detective, infinite death loop by 15-year old or sent to space never to die EVER), he deserves good things but also he was a priest there had to be some sort of retribution for that (what word was it i forgot)

⚓ JOSUKE 💎

sexuality headcanon: SHES GAY BABEY!!!!!

gender headcanon: trans man who uses she/her!!!! luv the self-projection here

a ship i have with her: COME ON THE JOSUYASU DUOS SO ICONIC THEY LIKE TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT!!!!! luv rowdy teenagers in love what can I say :]

a brotp i have with her: listen. listen dude. yukako and her hair buddies and SERIOUSLY when them and okuyasu were having a lunch date during that one episode r*han punches a kid i couldn't stop thinking about their friendship 🥺 also twins au lives in my mind rent-free

a notp i have with her: jos////uhan shippers don't look at me or I'll dropkick you into the nightmare dimension i SWEAR TO GOD YALL DONT KNOW WHAT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE AND IM NOT GONNA POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS REASONS WHY ITS BAD

a random headcanon: she's a gardener ^__^ people think she's the one helping her mom with it but it's the other way around, she's the one who bought the stuff for her and assists in uh. dirt activities!! idk if it's also canon but her mom does know about crazy diamond, she had to tell her dad that josukes ok and to stop worrying

general opinion over her: BABY YOU ARE MY. ANGEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY best jojo and favorite jojo i *vibrating at the speed of sound * she's so cute and awesome and I love her sm 🥺🥺🥺🥺 the one thing keeping me from wishing j*seph out of existence was her how the fuck the worst jojo produced best jojo i once asked myself, well that's simple it's bc he didn't raise her 😌 girlboss milf tomoko did and that's fucking awesome

[seeds-and-sins]

F**kin’ Diabolical (Chapter 4)

Master List

Pairing: Homelander / Original Female Character, Billy Butcher / Original Female Character

Rating: M (Strong language, sexual themes)

Decription: Carly Danvers is a reporter/radio show host/annoying little piece of- For reasons unknown to Vought, she decided to start a one man investigation on Vought’s operation. Her efforts had been quite successful so far, so much so that Stillwell would have done anything to see the young girl dead. Turns out Stillwell didn’t have to do anything at all, while one piece of evidence against Vought causes Danvers to fly too close to the sun. And Homelander flies after her.

Chapter Summary; Homelander didn’t realize that getting Carly to the Vought tower was only half the battle.

Her apartment complex was small, but in a cozy kind of way. She got lucky with the expanse of square footage the landlord had offered her, considering that she had seen other apartments and hers was the biggest in the building. At first, it was all concrete floors, scratchy wall paper, and a broken sliding glass door onto the balcony, but once she started making more money, renovations came into play. With Carly’s creative expertise, the place was a fun house in not time.

   The floors now were sandalwood and the walls painted a darker beige, where the longest wall was left a solid white, covered in doodles and painted pictures that she had spent hours on. She opened up the room to expand the windows out, now they spanned around a corner of the living room. The living room opened up at the entrance, where an L-shaped sectional with brown leather graced her guests as they entered. Off to their left would be a wall with an entertainment center and a flat screen tv, to their right the crimson granite counter tops that stood with bar stools, on the other side a kitchen of that counter. Aside from the hallway that led to her room, her apartment was fairly open, lots of seating areas because she liked variety. There were bean bags and stools for her bar, which had an array of liquors that she had saved up over the years. Her kitchen was closed in by the counter, an island in the center, with a dual sided refrigerator that she also had worked her ass off to get. 

  It was fairly lit, but sometimes she liked to dim the lights and turn on a flashlight to read her books with, as she cuddled into a giant bean bag. In her bedroom was a king sized bed, with tons of pillows, that was her favorite part of the apartment. She often drew pictures and played on her guitar in there, that was her safe space, where no one could bother her. 

    Across from her lived a rough looking, older man by the name of Billy Butcher. He was rowdy, single, and he had the cutest dog she had ever seen. They didn't spend time together or anything, but they certainly talked more with each other than they did with the other residents. Down the hall was a fresh frat boy/jock, and across from him was a single mother and her two kids. Billy and Carly felt more alike, more drawn to each other, so whenever they just so happened to cross paths they would share a few words. 

"Ey, I listened to your show today, definitely sticking one up to those cunts."

"Right?! They deserve it." They both shared laughs, cracked jokes, were extremely profane, and even a little too open with each other at times. Carly and Butch were similar in that they didn't have a sensor, so God forbid the two of them were ever together for a few minutes in passing. That poor mother had to shield her childrens’ ears in the elevator more than a few times. 

"Can you bloody believe that they even stretch that far?"

"I don't even want to imagine that happening to anyone, not even me."

"Well, its a bloody process I am sure..." Naturally, as they crossed paths, the two of them spoke that night before she went to the lab. She was grabbing a few things, Allen and the Doctor waiting outside in the car. As she shut her door, jiggling the key with a twist, jacket slung over her shoulder, he was also exiting his apartment. 

"Oh, well, what do you know? My favorite celebrity." He teased, she faced him with a grin and an eye roll. 

"Oh look, my favorite asshat." She mocked in the worst cockney accent she could muster.

"You shut your pretty mouth there, those are fighting words." They started towards the elevator with laughter bubbling up from them, cheeks rosy, God it would be a sickening sight to anyone. The two of them were like peas in a pod, munchkins, cuddle buddies or some shit like that. "So, where are ya' off to tonight?" He pressed the button to the elevator for her.

"Some stupid shit with Vought, you know me."

"I like stupid shit. Does it have anything to do with your show this evening?" The doors slid open with a ding. 

"Sure does, between you and me..." She came in closer to whisper into his ear, exhaling a giddy giggle behind a cupped hand. "I am breaking into a Vought Lab." He smirked, shaking his head, but never in disapproval as much as it was at the ridiculous stunts she'd pull. The door slid shut, the both of them now completely alone in an elevator. Nothing much different than the hundreds of times before.

"You think you'd have any time for drinks afterwards?" She blushed at the question, just drinks, right? No, she felt like the question was more than that and the way he awkwardly leaned on the elevator wall, said so much. As if he was nervous she would say no, or something worse. 

"I'd love to, but I don't know when I will be back." He nodded his head, fiddling with his thumbs out in front of him. "But hey, how bout tomorrow for sure?" His face lit up with that shit-eating grin of his. 

"Yeah, I'd like that." The elevator doors dinged open, but Billy didn't make a move when Carly stepped from the elevator. She faced him with her own grin and smiled, he waved at her. "You be careful there, sweetheart, some of us like seeing your ugly face every day." As the doors slowly began to close she stuck her middle finger up at him, and he stuck his tongue out. Children at best, that's always what it seemed like when they were together. When he was gone and they were apart, always after seeing each other, Carly felt empty almost, like she was missing out. She always shoved that away.

"Ms. Danvers! Are you going to answer me?!" An aggravated Madelyn shot out from across the desk, Carly blinked her eyes, coming to from her daze. She met Stillwell's steely gaze, Homelander pacing around the desk, eyes targeted on Carly in some threatening fashion. 

"W-What-What did you ask again?" Madelyn groaned, straightening herself and plastering a fake smile onto her lips, she crossed her fingers over the desk. 

"Did anybody else know you were going to the lab last night?" She stated more firmly, pronouncing each word with venomous emphasis, as if she was talking to a three year old child.

"No." Carly responded instantly, perhaps too soon, as Homelander's jaw tightened and his eyes narrowed. He was surprised. Carly had always been fairly good at lying to him, better than most, but she was in an emotional vulnerable state, not on her A game truly. Madelyn rolled her eyes and then sat back in her seat, arms crossed.

"You do know the position, you've put me in, right?" Carly sighed, shakily holding her hands on her lap, she gulped. 

"Look, I just want to get back to normal." 

"Back to normal?" Madelyn chuckled at the thought, she stood up and waltzed around the desk over to the window that spanned the wall of her office. Homelander stopped pacing at the other side of the room, still watching Carly like a hawk. "You are as powerful as Homelander now, Danvers, there is no normal for you ever again." She twisted in her seat to consider Madelyn with sorrow filled eyes, and Homelander couldn't hide his deep huff of amusement. Carly tried to hold back the tears threatening to spill, she had never felt so weak or insignificant in front of anybody before. Heck, she'd stand up to Homelander any day before this shit happened. Now she wanted to hide in a cave and wallow in her own self pity.

"Maybe there is a way, right? The doctor told me its genetic modification, all we have to do is convert my DNA back to what it was officially."

"But you would die." Homelander said with sardonic glimmer in his tone, he shuffled around the coffee table and plopped down onto the couch. His arm rose up, spanning the length of the back rest. He held his other gloved hand up, crushing his fist into a ball. "It blows my mind that you would want to be normal again, Carly. You have all the power in the world-"

"And I don't want it." She shot out, frustration taking residence over the desperation and she stood. She held her palms out and shook her head. "This isn't who I am. I am a simple girl, made of flesh and bone, nothing more." Homelander opened his mouth to reply, but Stillwell beat him to it. 

"You are right, you are absolutely right. And I might just have some options for you, Danvers." Madelyn paraded back over to her desk, perhaps she was having more fun with this than she expected she would. When Homelander told her about Carly’s situation, Stillwell was pissed beyond explanation. Here she was wanting the girl dead, and now the only person that could truly make that decision themselves was Homelander. Madelyn knew Homelander wouldn’t kill Carly, at least not without riding this high first.

"I have two options for you..."

"I don't have time for games. This isn't a joke." Stillwell laughed, leaning onto her desk with one hand, the other propped on her hip. 

"I'm not so excited about this either, but this might just be good for us."

"Whatever you have to say, it better not be what I think it is."

"It better be what I think." Homelander stood, soon coming to stand alongside Carly with that grin. 

"Option one," She placed a hand on her chest, "My preference..." She added slyly, and then, "We pretend you died from the fire, get you a nice place in Alaska and you live the rest of your days in solitude." Stillwell patiently waited, as if there wasn't a second option, and if there was she definitely didn't want Carly to have the ability to choose.

"What's the second option?" Homelander's voice was all too solid, glaring at Stillwell, forcing her to procure that second option like her life depended on it. It probably did. 

"Alright," Stillwell sighed, "We make you a hero. You denounce your previous claims against Vought and in return you live more famous than you've ever imagined." Since Carly woke up that morning, there was a stray thought that constantly teased to slip past her lips. The knowledge that she had against Vought, she could fight them, and now, more powerful than ever, she could fight them hard. Compound V was real, she was proof of that, all the heroes were. The compound injected into babies as if they were lab rats, the thought made her sick. She was reminded of why she was here, how she ended up in that lab. Now being offered a chance to be one of them, knowing all the cruel things they've done, if anything it made her heart race. 

   Homelander must have felt it too. The feeling made her want to do something but she didn't even know what. Impulses working through her mind, the need to just jump out that window, the realization that nothing can kill her now. Perhaps Homelander, but still. The options before her, and she had always been one to make an option three, to force it. Now there was no choice, one or the other, they say. Homelander’s hand landed on her shoulder and he laughed, harshly patting her on the back, a pat that would have anybody else coughing up their broken bones. 

"She'll do it, option two. She'll be wonderful!"

"I would like her to say it." Stillwell didn't like the feeling of not having control. Although for so long Homelander had been loose, the reins were gone, this was still different. She hated knowing that Homelander wanted Carly around and that she couldn't do anything about it. 

"Okay." Carly found herself choking out, despite her better judgment. She didn't know what logic came with the response, but she knew that it felt sound. Like something was in her path, something big, like it was worth it, like the universe was talking to her. 

"Perfect." Homelander said with such joy in his voice, now both hands on her shoulders, massaging at her neck. She closed her eyes and allowed him to shake her forward and backward for a moment. 

"I will work with my marketing team. Until then, Homelander can keep an eye on you." Stillwell hated that too, but the girl had zero to no control over her powers. Carly could destroy this whole building and without Homelander around, there would be no one to stop her.

"I've been waiting for this moment. So exciting..." Both women glared at each other, both for different reasons. "And I have already picked a name." Stillwell crossed her arms, cocking her head at Homelander, trying to hide the agitation surging through her. The level of absolute excitement he was feeling struck a nerve in Stillwell, the hero was crossing a big line.

"Oh, you have, have you?"

"Lady Liberty." He held his hands up like the name was gospel, like it was the most obvious name, the most fantastic name. Carly admitted to herself the fact that he even thought of a name was extremely unsettling, like this had been his plan all along. "Come on guys, get with the program." He waltzed over to the office door, now fixed after yesterday's door slamming incident. He waited, gesturing to Carly as he motioned out the door. "Let's go. Come on, the more we wait, the less time you have to learn those new powers of yours." Carly didn't think she'd ever beg in her life, but as she left Stillwell's office, that last glance to Stillwell was full of silent, raw begging. The last person she'd thought she'd ever beg for help, beg for a plan, beg for safety from him. But both of them knew, Homelander was not letting Carly go anytime soon. Carly made her choice, the moment she entered that lab.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Promises Not Kept Part 4

Summary: Tommy Shelby made a promise to Jonah Ward while in the war. A promise he didn't keep. But it comes to haunt him when he tries to drown out his sorrows with a young woman.

Part 4: Tommy and Leah spend the night together at the Garrison.

          The Garrison’s lively hum was muffled from the outside. Bright, golden light poured out into the gray streets beckoning any Brummie passerby.

           Tommy paced a short track in front of the pub. His cigarette smoke trailed after him like a ghost. He continued to ruminate on the idea that he hadn’t been out formally with a woman since Grace. He wasn’t necessarily nervous about it, he was more uneasy about the circumstances. The Blinder was pretty good at taking what he wanted and winning people over. And yet Leah felt strangely off limits to him.

           But he stopped worrying when he noticed Leah walking down the street towards him. When she came into better light, he realized how utterly fucked he was.

           Leah had reclaimed some of the self-esteem she had lost over the years. She held her chin a little higher than before and stood taller. As far as Tommy was concerned, Birmingham didn’t deserve the woman in front of him.

           “Did I keep you waiting long?” Leah worried she had taken too much time getting ready. She had finally settled on a simple blue dress that hung just above the knees.

           He shook his head, jostling his brain out of the fog clouding up his train of thought. “No, ‘course not.” He cleared his throat. “You look very nice.”

           She smiled. “Thank you.” It was a fairly nice comment coming from someone who had seen her naked twice.

           Tommy went to open the pub doors but paused. “My brothers are here.” He warned. Of course, it was rare the Shelby boys weren’t occupying the pub on the weekends. “The won’t bother you if you’d rather not meet them now.”

           “No, that’s alright. I’d like to meet them.” She nodded earnestly. John and Arthur had been mentioned in Jonah’s letters as well so she was keen to meet them.

           “Right,” The Blinder wasn’t sure what sort of grief his brothers would give him when they learned he was on a date. But he wouldn’t tell Leah that. So, he walked into the Garrison with her. The pub was crowded as usual. Mostly regulars lined the bar. Others in the area were too afraid to venture into one of the gang’s dens.

           “Alright, lads.” He approached where John, Arthur, and a few more Blinders sat at the bar.

           “Tommy boy, though you were avoiding us tonight.” Arthur clapped his brother on the back.

           “This is Leah Ward.” Tommy touched the woman’s shoulder ever so slightly. “Her husband served in the 179th with us.” He gave the men a look meant to keep them in line in her presence.

           “Jonah was a good man.” John nodded to her. “Shame what happened.”

           “Very good man.” Arthur echoed. “N’fact, let’s toast to him.” He waved for another round of drinks. John handed Leah and his brother a glass of whiskey as Arthur began. “A toast to Jonah, he gave his life for this country. We won’t forget him.”

           “And a toast to his wife,” John added. “God bless her for being seen out with Tommy Fucking Shelby.” It was clear the man was already drunk.

           Tommy glared at his younger brother but Leah smiled. She raised her glass. “Cheers.”

           “Cheers!” The Blinders echoed and threw back the whiskey.

           “Right, I’ll find us a quieter spot.” Tommy wanted to leave before John or Arthur said anything else. He led Leah to a free table a good distance away from the rowdy bar.

           “They seem nice.” She said politely as he pulled out a chair for her.

           “I’ve yet to hear anyone call my brothers nice.” He sat close to her so they could hear one another amidst the din of the pub. “I won’t tell them that, it’ll only inflate their egos.”

           Leah chuckled and shook her head. “So, Beth said you own this place. It’s beautiful.” She stole a look of the gold embellishments. It was certainly not reminiscent of the city it was in.

           “My brothers look after it more nowadays.” He replied. “Used to come about more but I’ve been traveling.” He flipped open his cigarette box and offered one to her.

           She accepted and leaned closer so he could light it for her. “She also said she knew Grace when she worked here. I guess before you two married. Is that how you met?”

           He nodded slowly and took a long drag. “She sang here.” His eyes moved instinctually to the spot where his late wife used to stand. “Only person in the world who could make this place silent on a Saturday night.”

           “Beth said everyone loved to hear her sing.”

           His eyes moved from the spot before he began to picture Grace standing there. He downed the rest of his whiskey. “Do you sing?” He asked.

           Leah held her cigarette over the silver ashtray. “I think all the cats in Birmingham would show up if I tried singing. I’ll spare your ears.”

           Tommy smiled and felt relaxed by her presence and the burn of whiskey running down his throat. For the first time in a while, he felt comfortable where he sat. There was only so much he could worry about at once, and Leah dramatically reduced that number when he looked at her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           The night wore on and both Leah and Tommy were throwing back drinks like it was their last night alive. They were both looking to loosen up and to feel more self-assured. It did the trick though because a few hours in and they were talking openly without any of the mental blocks they usually had. Leah was thrilled to actually see Tommy genuinely smile and to hear his lovely laugh.

           Arthur jabbed John and pointed across the room. “Fuck. What?” John groaned. He was about ready to call it a night after being goaded into multiple shots and a line of cocaine.

           “Have you seen him smile like that since his wedding day?” Arthur asked.

           John spotted Tommy and Leah sitting close together. The two were laughing like they were old friends. Indeed, it had been a long while since Tommy had such a happy look on his face. “Hell, I ain’t seen him smile like that since Greta were alive.” He told his older brother.

           “Think it could be something?”

           “Nah, s’just the whiskey and a pretty face.” John shook his head. “He’ll be back to good ‘ol Tommy by the morning time.” He predicted and filled Arthur's glass again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

           “You can’t always be working.” Leah accused and jabbed Tommy playfully. “There has to be something you enjoy doing for fun.” She held up a hand before he answered. “And drinking doesn’t count.”

           He chuckled and let his head fall back for a moment as he thought to himself. His liquor-addled brain was delaying all of his responses. “Well, we’ll go hunting sometimes in the country.”

           “Ooh, that’s posh.” She giggled and leaned towards him, nearly slipping off her chair in the process.

           He rolled his eyes but grinned. His head lolled to the side to look at her with an amused glance. “I tried golfing, fucking hated it. So m’not that posh.”

           “So, hunting’s your thing then?” Leah mimicked holding up a rifle made a bang sound effect.

           Tommy’s hand pressed to his chest, pretending to be wounded and slumped back into his chair. “Got me.”

           It drew a laugh from her. “A man who likes the thrill of a hunt.” She mused. “I could see that about you.”

           He shrugged and finished another glass of whiskey. “Just prefer riding out in the country, really. Grew up with horses so I’ve always liked them.” He told her the personal detail without much hesitation.

           “So, you’re a horseman then? A British cowboy?” Her voice lilted with affectionate teasing.

           “Only when I’m in Warwickshire.” They had run through his cigarettes so they’d been passing the last one back and forth. He offered it to her while he spoke. “When I’m here, I’m focusing on horses that’ll make me money on the track.”

           Leah let the smoke pass by her red painted lips. “Back to business then, eh? You’ll work yourself to death if you're not careful.”

           “I have some time. Gonna teach Charlie to ride when he’s a bit older. He can’t wait, always asks when he’ll be able to. Want to buy him a horse soon, maybe for Christmas."

           The affection in the father’s eyes was clear. There was nothing more important in the world than Charlie. “You must miss him when you’re away.” Her voice sobered up a little despite the nicotine and booze.

           “Well, I’d be a monster if I didn’t.” He took the cigarette back from her and finished what was left. “Better he’s raised there than here.” It was the justification he used for leaving Charlie behind in Warwickshire. The boy would not grow up the same way he had. He promised Grace he’d keep their son safe.

           There was undeniable sadness in his eyes so Leah decided to ease off his heart. “I’ve never ridden a horse.” She admitted. “My mum was afraid of them.”

           “You’re fucking kidding.” Tommy huffed out a laugh. Growing up as Romani, he just assumed everyone was familiar with horses. Being in the city meant that wasn’t always the case. “Well, you haven’t lived until you’ve ridden at least once.”

           “A horse, you mean,” Leah smirked and bit her lip.

           It took Tommy a quick moment to catch onto what she meant. “Cheeky.” He tutted and shook his head. “C’mon.” He suddenly stood up. The room swayed a bit but he righted himself.

           “Where are we going?” Leah snatched up her coat and purse. She was less stable on her feet and nearly tripped over her own feet.

           “Gotcha, gotcha.” He steadied her before she could fall over. He secured an arm around her waist as they walked out of the Garrison. The air mixed with a bitter chill and the overwhelming smoke. It was sobering after a few minutes of traveling down the streets of Small Heath.

           “Where are we going?” Leah asked again.

           “Me uncle’s yard.” Tommy’s accent was slipping off; dropping the ends of words and finding himself back as the rough and tumble boy. The lanky kid who got into at least one fight every day, rode horses with reckless abandon, and snuck out late at night to visit Greta. Such a simpler existence. “We keep the horses there, ‘til they’re sent off to be trained for the track.” He explained. “Got a filly in recently.”

~~~~~~~~~

           Leah followed Tommy to Charlie’s yard. It was dimly lit in the late hours, but they managed to make their way through to the stalls. The chestnut filly raised her head when she heard them approaching. Her nostrils flared and the warm-blooded horse spooked to the side.

           “S’alright.” Tommy stepped inside and held out a hand to the horse’s muzzle. “Just me. There ya are, that’s a good girl, eh?” He soothed in a steady voice. Leah lagged behind, watching him interact with the large animal. The same tenderness was there when he interacted with Karl or spoke of his son. The man wanted to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves. “Good girl.” He stroked the horse’s neck, praising her slowly. His blue eyes moved to Leah and gestured her over. “She’s harmless, just a little skittish with loud noises. Usually, are when they’re young.”

           She carefully stepped forward, minding her feet. The last thing she wanted was the long-legged filly to step on her toes. “It’s like she’s listening to you.” She murmured quietly as she observed the horse’s ears flicking back and forth in response to Tommy’s voice.

           “They’re smarter than people think.” He took Leah’s hand and placed it on the filly’s cheek. “Can sense the weather, danger, emotions.”

           Leah’s hand slowly ran over the filly’s silky coat. “That’s amazing.” She looked into the horse’s eye, the strangely shaped pupil gazing back at her. “What’s her name?” She wondered.

           “Haven’t named her yet.” Tommy shrugged and rubbed the horse’s soft muzzle affectionately. “We’ll give her a name for the track once she’s trained. Curly usually nicknames them but she just arrived.” She nodded and continued patting the horse, adjusting her forelock and running her fingers through her wiry mane. Tommy watched her for a moment. Her touches were tentative, almost how she touched him. She was afraid of being hurt by things beyond her control. A wild horse. A man with a devilish reputation. “Leah.”

           “Hm?” The dim lanterns cast shadows over her face but he could still see the faint sparkle in her eyes.

           The liquid courage was starting to wear off. “I uh…” He shook his head, pretending as if the thought had completely slipped his mind. “Sorry, forgot what I was going to say.” He lied. Of course, he knew what he was going to say.

           She smiled teasingly. “Maybe we had too much whiskey.”

           “I’m walking, aren't I?” He shrugged but decided to take a seat on a nearby bale of hay. He rested his head back and closed his eyes for a moment.

           Leah stepped away from the filly and cautiously walked over to him. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately because it was too early to tell, she was still free from most inhibitions. “Tommy.”

           “Eh?” He didn’t open his eyes.

           “Are you interested in me?” She chewed on her lower lip and rocked back and forth on her heels like an impatient child.

           “Yeah, think you’re interesting.” He looked up at her through half-lidded eyes. “Why?”

           “No not…I mean-”

           “Oh. You mean do I want to fuck you again?”

           Her cheeks burned because of his brash response but she gave an amused smile. “Yes, you could put it that way.” She stepped closer so her dress brushed up against his knees.

           Tommy straightened up and reached out to rest his hands on her hips. “Unfortunately, love, I can be a bit of an addict for certain things.” He murmured. “And you’ve been on me mind for weeks.”

           Leah’s heart sped up and she lightly grazed her fingers through his hair. "You've been on my mind too." She looked down shyly.

           But that wasn't acceptable. He tucked a finger under her chin and tilted her face back up so he could see her. “But this time, we’ll do it our way.” His eyes locked on hers, not letting her look away. “We’re not in that fucking hotel anymore, eh?

           She nodded in agreement. “Okay.” It sounded hopeful to her. There was less fear about Tommy merely using her for sex. Of course, if her friend were there, Bea would scold her. Tell her she was being foolish and naïve despite all her experience as a sex worker. She was just won over by a handsome face, devastating blue eyes, and a longing for attachment.

           But Bea wasn’t there to turn her away from the Shelby man. And Leah had craved his touch for what was far too long in her opinion. It simply wasn’t enough being in his company for the night. They were both itching for that high and they could push aside the impending questions of commitment. And they would delay it another night. Leah followed him back to Watery Lane and would be sewn into Tommy Shelby’s history for good.

Permanent Tag: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla​ @giftofdreams​ @biba3434​ @kimmietea​

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[thatonecurlygirl]

Treat You Better

@anon requested:

You should do even just a short billy story to "treat you better" by Shawn Mendes where Billy's your friend and you have a crappy boyfriend who treats you badly and he's in love with you and idk it's just a scenario I could see billy in. It would be super cute and your Shawn mended song inspired fics are the best!!

If you did the "treat you better" one it would also be a cool addition if billy was your neighbour and saw how crappy the boyfriend was and idk. I think billy would be the cutest at consoling his friend he's secretly in love with after getting her heart broken.

The house was loud, full of rowdy and drunk people around your age. It’s hot and the smell of alcohol permeates the rooms. You were supposed to come to the party with your boyfriend and you kind of did. You came to the party with him, but apparently, you aren’t at the party with him. You are standing against the wall, nursing a red cup full of some kind of bitter alcohol while Bradley is only God knows where.

You shouldn’t have expected anything different from him, this is how it always works. Luckily for you though, you are expecting one of your very close friends to show up. At least he may be somewhat willing to entertain or humor you with his presence for at least five minutes so you don’t feel like a complete loner.

“I see he’s off fucking around without you again,” Billy says, taking your drink from you and handing you a different, sweeter smelling alcohol.

“Ah, he’s just having fun.” You shrug your shoulders, looking around for him. You finally catch sight of him, talking to some girl you have seen in passing a few times.

I won't lie to you I know he's just not right for you And you can tell me if I'm off But I see it on your face When you say that he's the one that you want And you're spending all your time In this wrong situation And anytime you want it to stop

You cringe as he leans in to whisper something in her ear and he caresses his chest. Billy looks over his shoulder, rolling his eyes in disgust as he sees Bradley blatantly flirting with someone else.

“Why the hell are you still with him?” Billy asks, honestly confused.

“I love him.” You sigh, trying to sound confident in this.

Billy’s eyebrows knit together as he shakes his head. “You don’t seem too sure of that.”

“Bradley and I may have our moments, but I do really care for him.” You avoid looking up in Bradley’s direction to make sure you can’t see what’s going on.

“Y/n, you can care about him all you want, but it sure as hell doesn’t look like he cares very much about you. He shouldn’t take you out with him and put you in situations where you are sulking in a corner, watching him eye fuck some other chick.” He growls.

“Billy stop.” You shake your head, throwing back the rest of the drink in your cup. “I’m going to head home.”

“Let me drive you.” Billy sets down his cup, pulling his keys from his pocket.

“No, you just got here. I don’t want to make you leave.”

“This party is lame anyway. I only came here to keep you company.” He smiles, that smile that almost makes the whole world disappear.

You nod and let Billy guide you through the crowd of people and out the front door. This Billy that you know today is a lot different from the one you’d met in high school. He had done a lot of growing and maturing. Back then, you hated his arrogant ass and now you two are really close, both in friendship and location as the two of you are neighbors.

“Get your ass off the car!” Billy shouts at some kids that are sitting on the hood of his car.

Okay, he’s grown a lot, but Billy can still be… well, Billy. His quick-tempered side comes out most often when it comes to Bradley. Bradley may not always show his good side around Billy, but he really is a good guy and he is smart too. You and Bradley had dated on and off since Senior year in high school, so that was about two years ago. You met Billy around the same time and neither guy has been a big fan of the other.

Billy watches you out of the corner of his eye as he drives back to your neighborhood. He sees you try to discretely wipe the tears from your cheeks. He hates this, he’s been in this exact situation before. In the car with you after your boyfriend ditched you, pretending like he doesn’t see you crying for your sake.

He doesn’t understand how you don’t see that you deserve much better than your worthless boyfriend. You deserve someone that actually wants to be around you. It doesn’t make you any less of a man to be committed and caring to a woman. Billy has personally learned this lesson because of you. You called him out of his bullshit in high school. The two of you butted heads to begin with, but you somehow wiggled your way into his life and never left.

I know I can treat you better Than he can And any girl like you deserves a gentleman Tell me why are we wasting time On all your wasted cryin' When you should be with me instead I know I can treat you better Better than he can

“I think he’s cheating on me, but I’m not sure.” You confess. “And I know you aren’t a fan of Bradley, but I don’t know, I thought maybe tonight would help dissolve some of those thoughts.”

Billy sighs, “Y/n, ask the fucker about it.”

“But how?” You turn in the seat to face him. “I can’t just go up to him and be like ‘are you fucking someone behind my back’.”

“Yes, you can.”

“What if he isn’t?” You ask nervously.

Billy just scoffs as if that is a stupid question as if he already knows the answer to that question. Furrowing your brows, you fold your arms across your chest.

“Billy, do you know something I don’t?”

“I just know that he is an asshole and you deserve someone better than him.” Billy shrugs his shoulders, pulling into his driveway and getting out of the car. “I walk you over.” He nods to your house as you get out.

“Thanks.” You say under your breath as the two of you walk over in silence.

He walks you up to the door and leans on the side of the house as you unlock the door. As you go to slide inside, he gently grabs your arm to stop you.

“Hey, I’m just saying that whether or not he is cheating, you shouldn’t have to question if he is.”

“I know,” You smile softly. “Thanks again, Billy.”

Billy nods, watches you close the door behind you, listed to the lock latch. Grinding his teeth, he walks back through the yard and to his house. Unlocking the door and heading straight to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of beer. He sits down on the couch in front of the television, staring at the blank screen as he takes a large gulp of the alcohol.

After a few minutes, Billy turns on the television, playing whatever is on the channel. He’s got too much on his mind to even pay attention to what is happening on the screen, instead, he just sits there and zones out as he sips on the beer.

—————

Monday evening, Billy lays up underneath a vehicle at the shop, grease, and sweat cover his clothes. Music and the sounds of metal on metal rings through the shop. This is his place, where he feels most confident in himself. He’s doing what he really enjoys.

“Hey, Hargrove! You got a call!” Johnson, one of his coworkers yells out.

Billy scoots out from under the car and wipes the grease off onto his pants. It’s not often that he gets calls for him while at work so something has to be going on. He wipes his forehead with a rag as he makes his way to this phone.

“Yeah?” He brings the phone up to his ear.

“Billy, uh, it’s Y/N.”

“Oh, hey. What’s going on?” He smiles, leaning against the wall.

“Please don’t freak out.” Your small voice says from the other side of the line. “Bradley and I broke up, we got in a fight and…” You trail off.

“And what, Y/n?”

“I’m scared.” You whisper. “He got violent.”

“I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” Billy says, heart, pounding heavily in his chest.

“Thank you.” Your voice breaks and tears fall freely down his face.

I'll stop time for you The second you say you'd like me to I just wanna give you the loving that you're missing Baby, just to wake up with you Would be everything I need and this could be so different Tell me what you want to do

Hanging up the phone, Billy rushes into the shop, grabbing his keys and washing his hands. He pokes his head into his boss’s office, “Hey, there was an emergency at home. I’ve got to go.”

“Your shift was over three hours ago, I don’t give a damn what you do now.”

“Okay.” Billy nods, quickly heading out to his car.

He drives like a madman all the way to your house. He nearly runs over his mailbox when he sees your car, tires slashed like an angry teen in a romance film. Windows busted from your car and glass scattered across the ground around it. Once he is parked, he flies out of his car and up the sidewalk to your door, not bothering to knock before barging inside.

“Y/n?” He calls out.

“Here.” You call out quietly, turning the corner to see Billy’s angry face go even redder as he sees your tear-streaked face.

“Come here.” He holds open his arms, pulling you in close to him.

He holds you tight as your body shakes in his arms, the cries rack your body and you clutch onto his shirt. Yeah, you were scared watching him tear up your car, but you’re also heartbroken.

“He’s been sleeping with Susan.” You sniffle.

“Your cousin Susan? Billy pulls away, looking at you in disbelief.

“Yeah,”

His heartbreaks at the sight of your bottom lip poked out and jaw quivering. With a sigh he pulls you over to the couch, sitting down and holding you to his chest. He can’t help but think how great this would be if only it weren’t under these circumstances.

“It’s his loss. You deserve better than that asshole, y/n.” He gently rubs his hands in circles on your back, trying to console your cries.

“What hurts the most is knowing that he cheated on me with my own family. My own cousin went behind my back with my boyfriend.” You cry into his shirt. “He’s the asshole, but he tries to make me feel like it’s my fault.”

“None of this is your fault. None of it.” He pushes your hair behind your ear, as you look up at him, red eyes.

“Thank you for behind here, Billy.”

“Any time,” He smiles at you. “Look, why don’t you change into something comfortable, I’m going to go home and shower. Meet me over there and we can watch some movies.”

“Sounds like a deal, Hargrove.” You pull yourself out of the warmth of his body. “See you over there.”

You stand up, watching Billy walk to the front door. As he grabs the doorknob, you feel a sudden pull in your stomach and without realizing it, you step forward, grabbing and tugging on Billy’s hand.

Give me a sign Take my hand, we'll be fine Promise I won't let you down Just know that you don't Have to do this alone Promise I'll never let you down

Billy turns, looking down at you, both your eyes lock as the both of you stand there, stock still and staring at each other. Billy watches as a small smile creeps on to your face. It’s like slow motion when you reach up on your toes and place a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“I know you are going to beat his ass at some point no matter what I say. So when you do, tell him that I hope Susan enjoys his tiny dick more than I did.” You smirk.

Billy can’t help but throw his head back in laughter and nods. “I’ll see you in a few, Y/n.” He kisses your forehead and turns back out the door.

__ . __ . __ . __ . __ . __ . __ . __

Taglist: @xicarcalii @hargrovesprincess @super-strange-sons @asheseiler @admiralsixx @lady1505 @lets-be-heroes-justforaday @queenemoscene @speedmetalqueen @softsleepyeyes

[tazzykiki]

I’m tired, angry and bored so here we go! A messy list of fucked up Public School Things that may or may not be a universal experience:

The Lunches were a mix of good and horrible:

I was usually fine with the lunches because they were pretty decent and, like, yay food! But looking back they were just, so wrong????

Like in my middle school lunches AND breakfast were a mess. I got food poisoning like once or twice from the breakfast and the lunch was pitiful. At one point they just stopped cooking the pasta and left a bunch of uncooked, powdery noodles in a plastic box like anyone was gonna grab them and be like “mm yes! my favorite! hard noodles!”. Like what the actual fuck.

The pizza was also in a box, none of the toppings were labeled so it was a gamble on what type you would get, and most of the time they were burnt. In HS the pizza was fine but it tasted fake as hell and I’m pretty sure they just took some rubber and put cheese on it.  

My HS lunches were better but even then it was just, really concerning how limited and odd the food was. Luckily we didn’t have to pay except for like cookies and stuff smaller than your hand that costs like $2 cuz they want to “promote healthiness” despite feeding us what is basically prison food.

The class sizes were horrifying: I’m sorry but what person can teach 30+ rowdy kids and be perfectly fine??? Not to mention this was the norm the whole day! Imagine grading all those papers, keeping track of every student, and making sure they all shut up long enough to teach. And that’s just for the teachers who actually care.

Like a class size should be a max of 20 with a few exceptions. Do you know how stressful it is for everyone involved? Not to mention, 30 kids was considered SMALL!! Some classes had 40, even 50 STUDENTS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK.

We never had enough books, or supplies, or anything. Usually by the half point of the year, half the books would be missing or destroyed and it was a mess. In HS the Drama and Music teachers had to deal with like, one class of 10-20, and then like 5 classes of 40-50(all mixed grades too). And you know what’s even more fucked up? There was only one of each teacher.

There was one drama teacher. Who btw deserves the world and legit cares about her job and students. I honestly hope she quit and went somewhere better. She had to put up with 40+ screaming kids, grade all of those assignments, deal with insult and harassment(she was plus-sized and white. So she couldn’t talk back, would get insulted, and more.The only white people allowed to be sassy in that school were funny white men that were laid back), and had barely enough supplies to get by.

There was one music teacher. Who also deserves the world and legit cares about her job and students. She had to deal with 40-50, almost 60+, kids. The majority of them being sophomores and freshman, with bits of seniors and juniors. She taught music, taught band, and organized events and performances. She is, I believe, the first and only music teacher in that school and that’s just so fucked up. Like imagine being one person and having to manage hundreds of students like that.

There was only one digital arts teacher but I have no idea what they did since you can’t choose what class you attend. I just know it was constantly crowded, never really applauded, and they weren’t involved in a lot of things.

Oh yes how could I forget the art teacher! Yeah no there was no art class that involved drawing and painting. Apparently that class was scrapped years ago and has now turned into a JROTC locker! :D Speaking of JROTC:

JROTC and Sports had too much support and that’s a serious problem:

Hey maybe it’s because I’m an art kid and I hate exercising(because every attempt to do so was met with laughter, humiliation, and the ridicule of my body even though I can’t control how my body grows and changes), but man did JROTC and sports(specifically football) have way too much attention.

We had not one, not two, but FOUR ENTIRE JROTC CLASSES! Classes training you to be in the military, specifically Air Force. Classes you HAD to take unless you wanted to be in gym(never had the class but from what I’ve heard, there were about 50-70 kids, mostly male, filling up that class and they didn’t do anything but play ball or whatever. All of course, taught by one guy).

Somehow this program had enough support for uniforms, 4 different classrooms, supplies, several teachers(all of whom were in the military at one point[they were chill except for the freshman teacher who called you a whiny baby for being in pain]), and more. 

Not to mention, every so often military people would come by with pretty pamphlets and fun little strength tests and have kids to sign up to newsletters and shit and ask them to join the military when they graduate so they can get free college and happy fun times!! :D

Football was given way too much attention, even over the other sports, and I absolutely hate it. Every month was about  football, football, football. So much money went into football, so much support went into football. Yeah yeah yeah follow your dreams or whatever the fuck they tell you on Disney Channel, but there was too much support on this one sport that involved kids breaking their heads open. 

Please please give me ONE valid reason why this irritating-ass sport had so much attention while art students, craft students, theater students, music students, students who want to work in literally any other field that doesn’t involve science or sports had to fucking scrape every tiny little chance they could from the crumbs that were left behind. PLEASE tell me why I had to join a completely different program that was hella exclusive and restricted to Juniors and Seniors that had a certain skill-level just to have a proper arts class while football players got a cool fancy bus, a shit ton of gear, and praise every single day(seriously their pictures and trophies were everywhere). 

Why is it that they get scholarships and full rides for throwing a ball around and bashing their brains open while I had to fucking destroy my hand and scramble around for some shit like $200 which I wouldn’t even get because I don’t have the skill to paint the mona lisa or whatever. Anywayyyy~

Hey what the fuck was up with the rules? Sorry kids but if you’re reading this, everything they tell you on tv about high school is a lie. Unless you watched the Dora the Explorer movie, then that was actually pretty accurate.

Hey is it weird we had metal detectors and legit police officers(who were armed) in our school? Is it weird that we had to wear plastic, see-through book-bags, that weren’t even given to us for free and were so weak that they had to get rid of that rule because they would break after like 2 months? Is it weird we were all stuffed into a nasty, sticky, pest-ridden, staircase right in front of the main doors in the morning because we weren’t allowed all the way inside for whatever reason unless it was for a club(i.e. sports)? Is it weird that we were all trapped in the lunch room by security guards because they didn’t want kids roaming the halls even though they already did? Is it weird we weren’t allowed to go to the bathroom and were always told “you should’ve went your last class” when your last class didn’t let you? Is it weird we weren’t allowed to use the bathroom and were always told that “you should’ve went during the transition time” even though the transition time was only 4 minutes and the hallways were so crowded that it’d be time for class by the time you’d get there?

Is it weird that when we were allowed to use the bathroom, all of the bathrooms were locked and only one on the other side of the school was open, and the majority of the stalls were broken? And they kept the bathrooms locked, even after school, because they didn’t want kids skipping class even though they still did?

Is it weird that if you didn’t have a belt(if you were male), or a part of your uniform, you would be prevented from going to class if there were no more temporary uniforms?

Is it weird that if one kid did something bad, the entire class would be punished and class time would be wasted and the point of punishment would be lost because the teacher wanted a taste of power or whatever?(hey one time in 8th grade, both classes had to stand in one long ass line for about half an hour because someone was talking and it was treated like it was a joke. this took up our breakfast time too)

Other Shit: One time my HS got like $20,000 and instead of using it to fix at least one thing, they wasted it on useless flatscreen tv’s and SAT “tutors” that taught us 3rd grade english & math, how to annotate(I swear to fucking god one more person try and teach me how to underline a motherfucking sentence---) and did absolutely nothing to help us. Meanwhile the football players were living like kings.

We had a strange assortment of teachers, ya’ll know about my junior and senior english teacher. But did I ever tell you about the freshman JROTC instructor? She was so much fun~ I remember one time!!! ooh this is a good one :DDDD!!!! that I was in so muuuuuch pain that I was crying and couldn’t move! and guess what!!!!???? ooh! ooh! guess! She called me a whiny baby and said I was overreacting!!!! omg? She was so right tho, I was totally overreacting to being in immense, insufferable, pain that no one even attempted to be concerned about~~ 

Oh here’s another good one: I used to cry a lot! It was horribly embarrassing and not fun~ I was either sick, on my period(which according to the multiple doctors I had to be rushed to, was normal and the intense pain was hereditary), or having an emotional breakdown~ This lasted from 5th grade to Senior Year of HS! :D

One time I was in a lot of pain, 7th grade I believe, and cried for a whole hour straight. What did my teacher do? Have me sit in class while everyone went to like social studies or whatever, talked with some teachers, and then complained about how I “cried and cried and cried for an hour straight” with no concern whatsoever. BTW the nurse was never there and even then she was kinda useless.

Don’t even get me started on the several times I was on my period and was actually screaming in pain and was still looked down on because a student screaming and hollering in pain is no cause for concern obviously~ Really surprising how a lot of the male teachers and staff were more concerned then the female ones, especially the science teacher who has a uterus, has multiple daughters, and the audacity to say I’m ~overreacting~. I’m so happy our teachers and schools have our priorities in order.

Note: If you’re horrified by this. Good. You should be.

More misc things: My HS had a shit ton of roaches, water bugs, and whatever those long disgusting things that walk around on the walls and fall off once you see them. Art meant nothing to them. Teacher sanity meant nothing, student sanity meant nothing. The principal was great and I blame whoever’s “funding” schools and working behind the scenes.  I know this was more about personal stuff, but like a lot of things like large classes, lack of supplies, lack of empathy from teachers, constant pests, horrible food, stupid rules that hurt us more than helped, really weird exposure to cops and military, and too much focus on one subject is super common in public schools and I really really want it to stop.

[purplesurveys]

883

1. What kind of textures do you enjoy most in your food? Crunchy, crispy, soft, hard, grainy, slimy, etc? I love chewing on any meal that involves rice. Born and raised with it, can’t feel full without it. I’ll give a special mention to slimy too, because I love seafood.

2. Do you keep up any seasonal decorations outside of their season? No. My mom removes our Christmas decor by late January, which is when Christmas season ends here. We don’t decorate for other holidays.

3. Can you remember the most awkward situation you've ever been in? What happened? Ugh god. Any time I’m left alone with Gab’s dad is bound to be awkward because he’s very quiet and stoic and I tend to be a vibrant, cheery people-pleaser and nothing I do will muster more than two words out of him...but our most awkward moment has to be when I was at their place and he had to leave to run some errands. I stood up and walked over to give him a hug, but for some reason the floor was slippery and I started to do the world’s clumsiest and longest stumble. As an instinct, I held on to his arm and shirt so that I wouldn’t fall flat on my face. It was terrible and nothing I could’ve done or said would’ve saved that situation. EUGH I’m wincing right now lmao

4. Can you remember the most scary situation you've ever been in? What happened? [trigger warning] Would have to be the time when my grandfather got too drunk off his ass that he physically assaulted one of my cousins, then a toddler. My aunt (cousin’s mom) is a little on the delicate and petite side and couldn’t do anything to confront my grandpa, who went on his rage for like 10, 15 minutes. Certainly felt like forever. Nothing has traumatized me more and that’s saying a lot, considering it’s been 13 years and I’ve been through tons of shitty situations.

5. Do you do anything unusual to help you concentrate? It’s not very weird but I did install an extension on my browser that would let me list certain sites (usually social media) I’d want blocked whenever I have work. I suppose not everyone has that kind of program so it kinda counts as unusual.

6. Do you ever wonder what your parents were like as children/teenagers? With my dad, yes. My mom tells me enough stories. I know her family hit a rough patch when she was a teenager and they had to sell a bunch of their stuff, including a grand piano. She went from living a comfortable life to having to skip meals in college because she only had enough money for her daily commute.

7. Do you think suicide is ever "okay?" Groan, this is so triggering. I’m not elaborating on this, soz.

8. Would you rather a close family member/close friend/significant other die of suicide or murder? Why is this? “>> I think having to deal with a murder investigation would be terribly messy and intrusive, and would add more trauma on top of what I’m already dealing with.” < All of this. You don’t always get closure with murders, too. And I would hate that.

9. In your opinion, what is the worst thing someone could ever do? Raping an infant is definitely up there for me.

10. In your opinion, what is the best thing someone could ever do? Be a positive change or impact in someone’s life. Idk, I’m easy to please.

11. Do you think about any fellow xangans outside of xanga? I’ll change the context of this question to Tumblr so I can answer it. And yes I do, sometimes. Not in a creepy way or anything; it usually happens when I encounter something in real life that I know another survey-taker likes.

12. What military installation is the closest to you? Fort Bonifacio.

13. Do you still open your windows during winter? We don’t get winter but yeah, December is the best time to leave the windows open throughout the night. It’s also a great time to be able to save on electricity haha

14. How cold is too cold? How hot is too hot? I’ve lived in a tropical country all my life so I’m a big-ass wimp when it comes to the cold, even though I love it more. I start shivering at around 23ºC. Too hot is anything reaching the 40s.

15. Would you rather lose both legs or both arms? Why? Legs. I use my hands a lot more, so it would be slightly more difficult if I suddenly had to move about without them.

16. If you committed a crime that landed you in prison for the rest of your life, but were given the option to receive the death sentence instead, which would you choose? Why? Death. I get to have the infamous ~last meal~. Lol in all seriousness though, I’d pick it because it would be a quick release for me, I guess. It’s a big reason why I’m not a fan of death penalty...it’s too easy an escape for criminals who deserve a lot worse.

17. Is there any specific album you can listen to in its entirety and enjoy every single song? After Laughter - Paramore

18. Would you rather be a famous movie star, television star, or musician? I don’t have talents that would make me succeed in any of these fields...I guess it’d be fun to be a movie star though.

19. If you are not religious, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that were and said grace before eating? How was this for you? If you are religious and say grace before dinner, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that weren't and didn't say grace before eating? How was this for you? Yes. I’m from a Catholic family, so we pray before every meal. I do a sign of the cross but barely, just so my mom sees I move my hands when we start the prayer; but I haven’t recited grace since I told myself I was going to be atheist.

20. Do you think an evil Santa or an evil Easter Bunny would make a better villain in a horror movie? I’d go with Evil Santa mostly because I have no attachment to the Easter Bunny whatsoever, and because it’d be hilarious to see a man with reindeer be mean.

21. Did you ever think any fictional story-book character was creepy as a child? Do you still think any of them are creepy? Yes. That girl who wears a ribbon around her neck still gives me the fucking creeps.

22. Would you rather wear nothing but white or nothing but black? Is there any color you'd actually want to wear head-to-toe? Black. I’ve done that many times, so it wouldn’t feel weird.

23. What physical/mental health problems run in your family? Do you have any of the same problems? I’m almost certain there are underlying issues on my mom’s side but seeing as none of us have ever gotten ourselves checked (and most of them don’t believe in mental health problems anyway) I doubt I’ll ever find out what exactly’s wrong.

24. What is your mental and physical health like right now? They are both doing surprisingly well considering how long I’ve had to stay home and how much everything has turned upside down. I’ve only had two bad breakdown in four months and I’ve since recovered from that nasty fever I got, so I can’t complain.

25. If you found a suitcase (with no information about the owner) with a million dollars inside of it , would you turn it into the police or keep it? Be honest. ;] “>> See, a million dollars is an exorbitant sum. There is no way I could just casually make off with a missing million and not suffer repercussions. It's just too much goddamn money, and in this particular scenario, it's highly likely that it's a trap of some sort (whether set for me, or set for someone else and my dumb ass just happened to stumble across it). I'm not dumb enough to try it.

Neither would I necessarily want to turn it in, because that might cause me to get involved in something I didn't want or need to be involved in. The most logical course of action for me would be to leave it the fuck alone.” < Yeup.

26. Would you rather gaze at the stars or clouds? Stars. The fact that they’re so much farther away makes them more fascinating to me.

27. Are they any foods you used to enjoy but no longer like? Are there any foods you used to dislike but now enjoy? There’s a certain brand of frozen sisig that I used to looooove and would have multiple servings of every time I had it. But I had it one too many times and now I can’t even stand the smell of it. On the other hand, I hated chicken curry as a kid, but I can’t get enough of it now.

28. Do you feel much older or younger than you are? Why? Neither. I just feel 22.

29. Did you get along with kids that were older or younger than you? I mostly got along with kids of the same age. I found younger kids too rowdy and being around older kids always felt intimidating.

30. Do you know any magic tricks? Nopes.

31. How much would life suck for you if you had a wheat allergy? A lot.

32. Are you able to watch gory scenes in movies? Why or why not? For sure. I always want to see how far FX artists can go; and if used correctly, gory scenes can be super integral to the movie. Midsommar is a really good example.

33. Do you constantly check the time? Does time seem to move quickly or slowly for you? Not anymore. I used to check it a lot while I was still in school. Sigh, I miss that life so much. Anyway, time definitely felt slower during the first few weeks of the lockdown, but now that I’m used to it days just fly by. I can hardly believe we’re nearly in the middle of July. So much of this year has been wasted. It’s miserable.

34. Would you rather live in a nice house in a bad location, or a less-than-nice house in a great location? I’m taking the great location. I don’t know if I can last living in a shady area, no matter how beautiful my house is.

35. Have you ever been a witness to a horrible crime? What happened? Domestic violence is the worst thing I can think of. I enumerated one of them in one of the earlier questions, but I witnessed several other cases as a kid.

[you-did-well-moon]

|Not the Same| Exo 10th member AU| Pt.1

~Exo x Kim Xinzhi(platonic)//Changkyun x Kim Xinzhi// other idols x Kim Xinzhi(platonic)~

Summary: Xinzhi hasn’t gone to an award show in years. Many things have changed. There are new idols to meet, and cameras to greet. With her members by her side she experiences MAMA after such a long time. Having fun watching performances it doesn’t take long to get comfortable. With reminders of what was lost and what was gained not everything comes easily. Although she is used to flustering others, she also doesn’t expect her attention to focus on a particular mischevious rapper.

Word count: 3,000<

Type: fluff/crack/angst 

Warnings: pills, identity confusion, mature talk, sexual talk

A/N: Okay so i had a few things planned before this, but i got inspiration for this and soon all i know was that my hands were on the keyboard and words were on the screen. I’m going to have to split it up into two parts (since i don’t have regular acess to a computer and don’t get mine until christmas). Don’t worry the second part will be short. I didn’t mean for the cliffhanger. I hope you like it. Anyways please dont be afraid to talk to me or to request!!~Moon.

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I had been peacefully sleeping. A deep dreamless sleep that soothed the ache in my muscles, and made me forget of all the dark things constantly tormenting me. The things i hid from my brothers. The things i hid with my smile. It was one of the best nights i had in a while. Until someone decided it was time for me to greet the morning light.

“Wake up you spawn of satan” something hit my face making my nose scrunch and hold back a sneeze. Groaning i blinked the sleep away wiping the drool from my mouth. The soft sheets had formed a cocoon around me while i was asleep. This bed was better than the one i had in the dorms. The company had rented out a place for us for our stay in Japan. It wasn’t huge and extravagant, but everyone had their own rooms. As my eyes opened i saw Jongdae standing next to my bed with the damned pillow in his hands. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were clouded with sleep. “Ugh, what the hell?? What year is it?" He simply raised a brow shaking his head.

“That’s not what matters. Think more... what day is it.” I racked my brain still in the middle of waking up. As I narrowed my eyes, it took a minute or two for it to hit me. I gasped and looked up at him as he nodded in comfirmatiom. 

“MAMA” the word left both our mouths and I practically fell out of the bed. I flew out of the room with Jongdae following after me with a smile and leaving the pillow on my bed. I face palmed and huffed as my socks slid at every stride. How could I forget. The only reason we were in Japan was because of MAMA.  I ran towards the kitchen screaming when i stubbed my toe on the ledge of a table in the living room. 

“See, what’d i tell you? Time to pay up,” I heard Sehun’s voice coming from the kitchen while i soothed my throbbing toe. “I can’t belive i actually had faith in her. You would think she would learn after the last nine times.” I heard the dissapointed voice of Jongin soon after. Jongdae walked right past me not even sparing me a glance as he entered the kitchen. Quickly getting up I burst into the room immidiately lunging at Sehun who was busy counting the money in his hands. 

“YAH, you moved it didn’t you? I hope that pays for your hospitall bill after i get you jerk!!” Sadly, i wasn’t able to claim revenge as the arms of the leader wrapped around my torso picking me up and setting me down on a stool a safe distance from the black haired idiot now sticking his tongue out at me. I grabbed the spoon set in front of me waving it in warning. Junmyeon simply sat down next to me sending Sehun a warning glance which made him turn in his seat dropping the fork he had begun pointing in my direction.

Anyone could tell Junmyeon had a soft spot for the two maknaes. What they didn’t know was that he favored me. Smirking in victory i turned to him. “So, what’s the plan Myeonie?” he turned to me with soft eyes eyeing the spoon in front of me. “We need to go to the company building and run over the choreography a few more times for our performance tonight. After that. we’re all going to take showers and we’ll head over to the stylists and start getting ready.” SM had a company building in Japan that I had only visited once or twice. It would be weird walking through this building’s halls and not see Heechul running from the manager, or not hearing the music blasting from whichever practice room Taemin was in.

Groaning I let my head fall on the marble of the island we were currently sitting at. He poked my side making me jump. “Cheer up. If you kids behave i’ll take all of you out to ice cream shop you guys love so much when we get back home. I’ll even let you have those noodles you aren’t allowed to have”. His words immidiately made me jump up in my seat. He rolled his eyes when Chanyeol shouted “That’s not fair’ as he was dragged in by Baekhyun drowsily rubbing his eyes. “I DESERVE IT” huffing I looked away from the pair as Chanyeol sat next to me with Baekhyun on his other side.

I looked at Chanyeol on my left side. That’s where he usually sat. I could’t stop my eyes from drifting to the stools on the other side. That’s where they used to sit. In front of me. I was taken out of my daze by a hand poking my forehead. Coming back to my senses I saw Kyungsoo placing a bowl of cereal in front of me. I grinned at him, and he softly shook his head ruffling my hair before returning to making breakfast for the others. Minseok passed by not a second later handing me a banana. I yelled out a thank you to both of them as i dug into my cereal.

Making sure no one was looking I let the smile slip off my face. I’d chime in every now and then as the boys talked about what they were looking forward to. Standing up when i finsished my food and leaving the room i made my way to my own. I made my bed and brushed my teeth. Every now and then my eyes would drift to the other side of the room. It didn't have a bed like my room back at the dorms. The bed which hadn’t been slept in god knows how long. Forcing my eyes away I made my way to my closet.

My practice clothes consisted of some grey cotton shorts, a black sportsbra, a white oversized tank top, with some white knee-lenght socks. Finishing the look i slipped on some comfortable black nikes, and i pulled my hair into a messy bun on top of my head. Putting all my stuff like my phone, water, and other items inside a black duffel bag. I quickly went to my vanity table opening the drawer full of pills. Pills they thought i had thrown away. Looking for the bottle I specifically needed I dropped two capsules in my mouth. 

Looking up at the mirror placed on top of the table I narrowed my eyes at my reflection before turning around. I got my bag and swiftly left the room. I smiled as i found most of the boys in the living room only missing Chanyeol. I plopped myself in between Kyungsoo and Sehun letting my head reast on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Jongdae saw me, and he threw his head back letting out a whine. “Where is this big-eared idiot?”

Right after that Chanyeol came in with a scowl and a headband lazily placed on his head to keep the rowdy hair out of his eyes. “I heard that” he grumbled. Everyone let out a laught at the timing and started getting their stuff together. We all headed to the vans waiting outside for us. On the way there I looked out the window forcing any thoughts that weren’t about our planned performance out of my head. When we got to the company building, our manager was already waiting for us.

I saw many poeple rushing around in preparation for the awards as the manager ushered us to the practice room. We stretched as fast as we could, and started going through the choreography and the plans for the performance. We had practiced this so much I could do this with my eyes closed and room spinning. Not long after, our clothes were sticking to our skin, and our chests were heaving. At this time, nothing was plauging my mind. It was just me, and the music coursing through my veins moving my body to it’s addicting sound. I watched my figure in the mirror extremely satisfied with my performance. Practicing my facial expressions and little gestures I was known for across the industry and fans. Once we and the manager were all satisfied, we were directed to the company showers. I walked towards the female showers ridding myself of the wet clothes. I chose the very corner stall and closed the curtain.

I let the warm water cleanse me of the sweat clinging to me, and I let my head fall back. I made sure i did everything with precision as the water dripped down my body. The only thoughts I allowed were about the performance as I finished. I knew what would happen. This performance was special. With multiple songs and a video playing in the backround. At the end we would all do something special. It was bound to stun both the audience and the fans in the crowd. No matter what fandom. This would be a performance to remember. I couln’t stop the pure exitement and giddiness from flooding my chest and spreading warmth through my body. This is what I was meant to do. This is what I was best at. It’s what I loved, and it’s what made me able to wake up every morning. It made my heart beat. It was my life.

Smilng I shut off the water quicky getting out and wrapping one of the fluffy white towels around me. I blinked the water drops away, and I gathered my stuff. Just as I was about to leave two unkown female trainees came in. They smiled softly at me, but even after all this time I could see it. The pity in their eyes. I was used to it. Quickly shaking it off I smiled as warmly as I could. We exchanged pleasentries, but I didn’t try to continue the conversation. I was so used to closing others off. It would be a hard habit to break. 

Walking out I made my way to the female Exo dressing room. The male one being in the opposite side of the building. I being the only girl in Exo, was the only female idol there. I walked in my stylist all sitting on the couch making conversation as they waited. When I walked in they all sprang up jumping into action.  Trinity getting me a robe to replace the towel before going into the room’s closet to get the outfit she had planned out for me. Kirra set up all her equipment and ushered me into the chair taking my bag and dumping it on the couch. She instantly set to work tilting my face this way and that to apply the cosmetics. Eli got her hair products ready while she waited for Kirra to finish up.

“How are you doing, Zuzu?” Kirra called my nickname knowing it gave me comfort. “Nothing but exitement, really. We have a big performance planned. I have nothing to be nervous about. We are Exo. We have a message to give. And everyone will hear it. Whether they want to or not. With my boys beside me, what could go wrong?” I did my best to truly believe every word that came out of my mouth.

Kirra grinned shaking her head fondly. “That’s the spirit! Feel yourself girl. You are the great Zui from Exo. One of the most beloved idols in the industry. The impactful, talented, and sexy Zui. Boys can’t even come up to you without getting flustered, and all girls want to be you. You make everyone want to bend-” I scoffed cutting her off before she could say anything else. Although, I couldn’t deny the smirk making it’s way onto my face. “You flatter me”. She laughed before getting back to work.

Neither of us said anything as she finished. She was too focused. When she was done, I looked into the mirror and tilted my head in satisfaction. The makeup wasn’t too heavy seeing as it would be getting done for the performance again later, but it was enough to uphold the image I had built. it kept my features sharp and addicting. Rhisestones dotting the corners of my eyes. The colors mature and capable of making anyone’s heart explode. My lips plump and especially tantilizing. My eyebrow piercing making me look fierce and powerful. She had given me contacts that added a blue tint to my brown orbs. I looked at the mirror as the corner of my lips curled up and Kirra could barely keep the sqeal in. 

“I have to say, I think it’s one of my favorites. Thanks Kirra.” she quickly agreed and moved to the side. Eli moved in with the curling wand already in her hands. Eli didn’t have as big of a personality as Kirra (or as much as a big mouth). She was a quiet little thing, and she mostly worked in silence. She sighed and looked at me through the mirror before letting her eyes drop back to my hair. 

“I’m really glad i was assigned to you.” when I tilted my head in confusion she continued “I’ve heard stories. Of idols who don’t make any effort to keep their hair healthy, and what a mess it can be. Plus, you’re nice. Some aren’t.” she whispered. I smiled softly at her. “I’m glad to have you too”. She swifly nodded before turning all her attention to my hair. She finished and we both smiled, pleased. 

The curled strands were pulled up together with isolated strands hanging out here and there. Some framed my face while others grazed the top of my shoulders and collarbones. She also added glitter so that it shined a certain way when the light hit it. The soft strands were just waiting to be touched. I tilted my head back smiling at her in thanks. She shily smlled back and backed up so that i could stand.

I made my way to the closet where Trinity had been the whole time probably placing the last touches on my outfit. My breath hitched when my eyes caught sight of the dress. It was perfect for me. I shook my head in disbelief. She always managed to do it. Trinity smiled smugly. 

“Like it??” I exhaled looking at her with wide eyes. “Like it? Trinity, I love it. You always outdo yourself. You really are the best,” she innocently shrugged at my words. “Oh stop, You don’t have to tell me that. I already know." I chuckled as I untied the robe letting it fall to the ground, Trinity helped me into the dress, and when i looked into the mirror a unique kind of breathlessness racked through my body.

It was an off the shoulder dress accentuating my shoulders, collarbones, and neck. It was short in front, and it got longer as it went back. It had an open back that had strings of jewels running across my skin, and a kind of fabric surrounding my waist that was see-through. The fabric at the back was light, so it flowed in the wind when I walked. The dress was comfortable, and it wasn't heavy at all.

She gave me many accessories. She placed a flower like headpiece on my hair being careful not to mess up the hair do. She gave me dangly earrings with a choker like necklace made of jewels. She placed a simple dangly hand chain on my hand which paired with a similar anklet. The shoes didn't have that much heel, but they were pretty and made my legs seem longer.

Looking into the mirror I smiled. The person staring back at me looked like the person I had been such a long time ago. The person I now pretended to be. The influential, compelling, striking woman that could bring anyone to their knees. Not the fragile broken little girl currently hiding behind all those qualities. The smile slowly slipped off my face.

"Don't...don't you think this is a bit much?" I questioned Trinity. Her eyes softened. In all her years of working with me I had never been one to show insecurity, but after what happened it seemed I had lost a bit of myself. But gosh, I was still as stubborn if not more.

Shaking her head she spoke. "Come on, Zhizhi. You look ethereal right now. Wouldn't it be fun to make an entrance? Leave an impression? You haven't attended MAMA in about three years. Don't you wanna show them? Show them you're still the same commanding powerful woman you were before??"

But...I'm not. No one would understand. No one knows. I'm horrified, but I dont want to go back.

Looking at myself in the mirror I forced myself to go back. To be the person I had lost so long ago. I made myself forget. Shaking my head I pushed a smile onto my face. I gathered all the bad thoughts and memories locking them in a box and placing in the farthest corner of my mind. Digging my nails into my palm I forced all confidence to spread throughout my body. I forced myself into the Zui persona. The sexy unfazed commanding idol. Smoldering into the mirror I let a smirk kiss at my lips.

"You're right. Don't worry your little head about it Trinity" slowly I turned to her grinning before patting her shoulder then walking towards the exit of the closet. "I'll leave them knees week, mouths dropped, and hearts racing." I chuckled when she responded. "Damm right you are. Work hard, make them hard."

My laughter rang around the room as I entered the main dressing room where Kirra and Eli had begun packing all their equipment. When they saw me they gasped stopping all movement. I'm pretty sure I saw Kiarra's knees buckle. Eyes wide she started to speak.

"You look- like...like"

"A goddess" Eli finished but Kiarra continued.

"An angel"

"Emma Watson on steroids""

"A statue made by the Gods"

"like I just died and entered heaven"

"shit man, this could be hell and I wouldn't mind"

"Y-you look like a..."

"-A sin"

With the last one a laugh bubbled up. "You guys are too much. I'd love to talk more but I'm sure I'm late" looking at clock I winced. Those noodles were on the line. I couldn't get Junmyeon annoyed. Waving I quickly walked towards the door, and I opened it breathing in the fresh air that didn't smell like makeup and mold.

I briskly walked towards the entrance of the company building where I knew the vans and fellow members would be waiting. Coincidentally, I didn't run into anyone seeing as most groups here had probably already gone to the venue. How weird. Back when I attended award shows I’d usually see Red Velvet  talking about how to avoid all male idols, or Super Junior talking about all the shenanigans they could get up to and how mad they could get their manager. Now my heels clicking against the floor were the only sound that accompanied me as I made my way towards the entrance.

Kirra had already called down to announce I was on my way, so they were probably outside. I took a moment to collect myself as the elevator went down. The cold metal from the necklace seemed to keep me alert. One last time I forced all bad thoughts out of my head and cleared my mind. As the elevator doors opened, I grinned.

Zui was back.

I waved to the receptionist who's mouths dropped as I walked by. The security by the door opened the door not being able to make eye contact, and the sun's light hit my face. I noticed my members all standing by some vans conversing with themselves and I made my way towards them. I noticed the multiple vans one probably for us while others for our staff. Then, my eyes landed on the boys. They all had different suits with varying designs. Looking like princes, and god exo-l would have a field day with this.

"Hello peasants, ready to go?" my voice made Jongdae turn and he immediately spoke "Spawn of satan becomes satan himself but female version" smiling I walked right past him hooking my arm with Minseok's who gladly accepted smiling. "Well looks like Min is my date today. Jongdae's whine made me hold my arm out to him and replace mine with Minseok's.

"Actually, you two will have to be a duo today. You grandpas don't know how to have fun. You never dance or sing with me, so I'll just stick with Yeol and Baek today" mentioned idols then whooped swinging their arms around my shoulders. Minseok just shrugs in response pulling a whining Jongdae into the van. As we started heading towards the van, i felt a hand land on my shoulder holding me back. I immidiately recognized Junmyeons touch. 

I looked back only to see the worry in his eyes. Both Chanyeol and Baekhyun looked back. “Oooh, she’s in trouble” Baekhyun snickered. My eyes widened. Me? In trouble? I thought back to everything i had done today and yesterday. I hadn’t done anything. I just put some soy sauce in Sehun’s bubble tea...then I proceeded to leave him at said bubble tea store. But that was normal. My eyebrows furrowed.

“Myeonie? What did i do?” he instantly let out an exasparated sigh. “What- no! No one is in trouble. I just have to talk to you” I nodded in understanding. He waited until everyone was away from hearing distance. His eyes looked at anywhere but mine as if searching for the right words. His brows furrowed as he gnawed on his lip putting his hands on his hips. The worry in his eyes made me bristle.

Letting out a sigh his eyes finally found mine.

"Zhizhi...."

"Myeonie?"

His hands left his hips, and instead they reached for my own. Encasing them he bought them close to his chest as his eyes searched mine. The contrast between his cold rings and the warmth of his hands shocked me out of the Zui persona. His mouth opened and closed as if he still couldn't find the right words. He visibly swallowed.

"Will...Will you be okay?" my shoulders instantly relaxed. Smiling softly at my leader one of my hands left his grasp and moved to smoothen the crease between his eyebrows. Patting his cheek I replied.

"It's been years Myeon, don't worry. I'll be fine. It's time." His eyes searched mine for any sign of hesitation. "But only you get to decide that"

"And I'm deciding that I'm ready." Sighing he brushed the hair out of my eyes. "Tell me if at any point given in time you feel uncomfortable" I rolled my eyes. I hated when he made me feel weaker. It hit too close to the truth.

"I'll be fin-"

"Promise me Xinzhi."

Hesitating I pursed my lips looking into his warm eyes. Junmyeon was hard to lie to. Not because he could detect when I was lying. But because I felt guilty doing it. This was the guy that stayed. That took me in and gave me a home. That gave me everything expecting nothing. He trusted me. And I lied. My chest filled with guilt as I did my best to smile at him.

I took his pinky wrapping it in mine.

"Promise"

With those words I touched the soft skin of his thumb with mine. He smiled his proud dad smile and pulled at my ear. His eyes looked behind me at the vans, and he scoffed smiling. I turned my head finding the beagle line with their faces pressed against the window of the Van's. I laughed as Chanyeol held his arms out pointing at his wrist mouthing one word

"Time."

How ironic. It seemed like that was always a problem these days. Shaking my head fondly I linked my fingers with Junmyeon's jogging to the van.

He got into the passenger seat while I had to get into the very front since the back seats were filled. I had been seated next to Jongin with Kyungsoo on his other side. Jongin helped me gather the dress into the car smiling reassuringly at me. I smiled back knocking my shoulder with his.

Junmyeon told the driver we were all here. The engine thrummed to life making the van move with a pleasant hum. I stared out the window fingers fiddling with my dress. The only thing filling the silence of the vehicle was the quiet murmur of member's voices. Their laughter ringing out every once and a while. I smiled a content smile. It felt like we were in our own little world in the van. A world spinning on an axis of our adoration for eachother. Nothing being able to disrupt or knocks us out of this warm state.

All conversations were halted when Junmyeon cleared his throat turning his head to look at his precious family. We all looked at him expectant and wide eyes. He grinned at us eyes forming crescent moons.

"Who's ready for MAMA!?" at his question we all whooped creating a lively energy. With our spirits lifted and excitement coursing through our veins, we smiled at eachother bodies thrumming with anticipation.

~~~~~

Nervousness pooled at my stomach as the vehicle entered traffic. My eyes took in the large structure of the venue. Cars lined up along the streets waiting to enter the awaited event. Photographers, reporters, fans, and of course the idols all coming together for this day. I felt a hand touch the back of my neck soothing my nerves. Turning around I found Baekhyun's soft features beaming at me. I grinned back reaching to squeeze his hand before letting go.

The fans had asked questions like they did every year.

Would Zui be coming to the awards this year?

The company hadn't made any statements neither confirming nor denying my attendance. Fans had assumed their silence as denial. They didn't know I would be attending after years, so I was a surprise. I anticipated their reaction, and I had slowly been going to more public events getting comfortable once again. To be honest, I had missed the routine of getting ready, performing, and seeing other idols and fans. The familiarity of a camera was not something I expected to miss.

But being cooped up and isolated from the rest of the world did things to a person. Especially when I was used to being in the public eye. The only events I had been allowed to go to were concerts which I found myself lucky to even be in the songs. SM did everything they could to alienate me from my own industry. I knew many things had changed in the time I was gone for both the better and the worse. New groups had come up, and groups that had been at the top of the world were struggling. I had lost contact with many friends. Although some had tried to reach out, I wasn't allowed to respond. I wonder if they hated me. What they thought of me.

Did they think I was a stuck up bitch?

Did they think I personally held myself in a higher status than them?

That was the problem with not being able to talk to someone.

You never could find out what they were thinking.

I couldn't lie. I missed them. The spark in Yoongi's eyes when he was producing and his down to earth behavior. The akward situations Zico got himself into, and how he handled them. The way Jessi and I matched so well together with our defiant reputations, and our big personalities. Hyuna and our little get-togethers where we pretended to be normal people for once laughing and living the day freely.

These friendships had meant so much to me, and they had been ripped away because of someone who I had never spoken to. It was impossible trying to talk to them. The company regularly checked my eletronic devices. He took everything from me. 

My identity, my health, my freedom, and my friends. There had been many things planned for me before the incident. Shows, solos, among other things and those had been ripped away from me as well. I had missed important things that the group had gone through. The relationships between my labelmates were now strained by the weight of saying or doing something and breaking me. They feared me with the best intentions.

The members were the only ones who ever treated me like I was normal. Sometimes, they were a bit hesitant, but I always did my best to hide my struggles from them. Everyone always looked and treated me like a victim.

I'm not a victim.

I'm Zui the charismatic sexy rapper. Not afraid of anyone or anything.

That's what I made myself believe anyways.

It led me to ask myself questions I had been asking for a long time.

Would it ever get better?

Would the public ever know what actually happened?

When would the nightmares stop?

After all these years would what happened ever stop being something constantly haunting me?

After all this time there was no answer for these questions. They were shadows that followed me laughing at me, and they never seemed any closer to going away. No matter how much I screamed and begged at them to go away.

They were always there.

Sighing I let myself focus back on my surroundings only to startle when I saw we were two cars away from the red carpet they had set up. Excitement pulled me out of any daze I had been in keeping me alert. My knee started bouncing as we got closer, and Kyungsoo reached over placing his hand on my knee giving me a comforting pat and a smile.

The vehicle came to a slow stop. The reporters and few fans seemed to still wondering who was inside.

Junmyeon turned in his seat grinning at us before opening the door and getting off. As he appeared the flashes immediately started going off, and the fans talked excitedly. Kyungsoo turned to the rest of the members too giving us a nod before opening the door. They all filed out as I waited being the last one that would get off.

As each member filed out, my heart pounded faster and faster. Minseok was the last one to get out beaming at me gums showing as he stepped out. A silence rippled through the crowd when the door didn't close after all eight members had gotten out. I scooted closer towards the door as they stared at the vehicle. Somehow, they knew. Knew the last member to get out would be the well known Zui. Their eyes hungrily awaiting the appearance of the rapper.

Taking a deep breath I let a smirk tug at my lips as the fresh outside air caressed the soft skin of my face blowing through the soft dyed strands spilling out from my scalp. Feeling the ground beneath my feet I made sure my dress was alright before looking up at the crowd. Some fans were looking at me hands covering their mouths, and eyes wide blinking. Others were laughing and smiling while clutching at eachother eyes shining.

My chest filled with warmth seeing one of my favorites sights. Poeple who had supported me and my group smiling because of me. I was finally where I belonged. With my members and my fans cameras annoyingly flashing lights into my face. I walked towards my members in front of one of those background set ups. Camera men were shouting at eachother shoving at eachother to get a picture. The fans were also taking pictures anxiously typing alerting the rest of the fandom of my appearance.

I had been shoved to the middle of the group, and as I stared at the cameras smirking I remembered something someone had told me a long time ago.

Head high or the crown slips.

A long time ago it was a saying I was fond of. Now i wished I could forget it. I didn't need a crown. A sword would do just fine.

The group shuffled along the carpet posing differently every now and then. Our range of poses included serious, sexy, happy, and a funny one. The funny one consisted of the boys with their arms in the air directed at me sitting on their heels, and I had my hands on my hips with a smug grin on my face.

After a few minutes we reached the end of the carpet. We walked up the stairs that would lead to the entrance of the building. Some security would escort us through the halls into the main area where the stage, fans, and other idols were seated. As we followed the security Chanyeol and Baekhyun came to my side linking their arms with mine. 

“Who are you exited to see?” Baekhyun asked looking at me with big puppy eyes. My mouth dropped. I had forgotten other idols would be here in all the preperation for tonight.

 Chanyeol smiled when he saw my eyes shine with a kind of fragmented light. 

I grinned at the thought of being able to talk and explain everything to my old friends. The people who I held so dear to my heart even after all these years treasuring their smiles in my memory with the constant fear of forgetting them.

“The Shinee boys will be there right? And is Jessi performing?? I haven’t seen her in forever!” 

Chanyeol’s smile immidiately dropped, and i could feel Baekhyun still, and his arm slip from mine. I looked at them in confusion. 

Why were they staring at me so weird? Did I say something wrong. Their eyes filled with the emotion i hated. Pity. Baekhyun’s mouth opened and closed, and Chanyeol had a weary look in his eyes. I felt a warm hand drop on my sholulder someone walking up beside me. Turning i found Minseok with an uneasy smile. Nodding his head at the boys we continued walking. 

“Zhizhi...we’re the only SM group attending the awards this year, and Jessi hasn’t performed for MAMA in about three years.” The wry smile still remained on his face as i felt my chest grow heavy. How alienated from the industry had I been? Was I really to the point that I didn’t know anything going on with my own industry. How far behind was I? Was there a line where isolation just became ignorance?

I nodded trying to stop the frown tugging at my lips. My voice feeling like it’d been ripped from my throat. Then, another hand rested on my shoulder. Suprise etched my features when i saw Sehun’s sharp eyes looking at me. Instead of the usual mischief, I saw warmth.

“Hey, aren’t you freinds with that rapper from BTS. What’s his name? Suga? They’re supposed to be here.” At that i felt the anger I had directed towrads myself dissipate a bit. An inkling of hope sprouted in my chest at the thought of Yoongi. I would be lucky if he even let me say hi. Yoongi had a hard time trusting others, and I don’t know if i still had any of his after cutting him off without so much a goodbye. I wish he knew how sorry i felt. He deserved so much more.

Sighing I did my best to smile at them nodding my head. “Yeah, youre right. Maybe I can even make some new friends” at that I heard Sehun snort.

“Who would want to be freinds with your ass?” With a glare aimed at him I stopped walking gritting my teeth.

“Listen here twat, I won’t hesiate to leave you ag-” i was cut off once again by Junmyeon grabbing a hold of my shoulders forcing me to walk scolding Sehun for cussing. I made a silent promise to get back at him as I continued walking only to come to an abrupt stop as Junmyeon’s hands held me still. 

Annoyance brimmed and with eyebrows furrowed I turned my head to him. "Excuse me, dear leader, um- I have my own legs-" Junmyeon cut me off by shaking my shoulders, and only then did I notice everyone was frozen in place.

"But apparently you guys don't have legs?" at that Junmyeon shook me once more.

"Shhh...listen.."

It was then that I heard the chant the seated fans were screaming shaking the whole venue filling it with a special kind of power.

My chest heaved feeling as if all the wind had been knocked out of me.

"Oh-..oh shit." we all looked at eachother eyes wide as our laughs of disbelief were barely over the fan's chanting.

"LOVE ZUI..LOVE EXO"

"LOVE ZUI..LOVE EXO"

"LOVE ZUI..LOVE EXO"

With baited breath we all took slow cautious steps forward. The security guy turned around raising a brow, and he stepped to the side extending his hand and tilting his head as if saying "Go ahead."

Our steps still hesitant, we entered the main part of the building where the stage was, and the fans and idols were seated. As we appeared into where the fans could view us the chanting transformed into screams.

We composed ourselves as we walked towards our seats. The screams only got louder as we got closer. I couldn't focus on any of the idols that were currently staring at us. All my attention was on the crowd currently screaming my stage name. The light of the light sticks beamed at me with the familiarity of home, and in that moment I couldn't help but feel like my heart was full after such a long time.

I didn't have to be the idol that had disappeared for reasons unknown to them. The idol who constantly let them down. Their idol who only gave them 50% when they gave 100%. To them, I was still the same Zui.

The Zui that existed before all this mess. These precious people who gave me their continuous love even after all the sadness I had caused them seemed to shine with an ethereal kind of light. I stood there staring at them blinking away the tears blurring my sight.

Then, I smiled as warmly and bowed as deeply as I could. I didn't have to be accepted with open arms or with so much love. They screamed once more, and I waved before turning around searching for the rest of my group only to find out they had already seated themselves. They looked at me with a weird expression I couldn't read, but I ignored it and walked towards the seat.

Walking back I noticed there were three other groups seated around us.

To our right were nine young boys all trying their hardest to avoid my gaze.

Chuckling I looked at them closer trying to decipher who they were. Then, my gaze landed on a guy with dark hair and a V-shaped jaw. A boy that I had been told admired me. A smirk tugged at my lips as I recognized them.

Stray Kids

Many fans had recommended me their music for when I was feeling down. The lyrics of their songs were ones that were very comforting and warm hearted. Looking at them I wondered what things those young boys had been through to be able to come up with suck melancholy lyrics. I told myself I'd try to greet them later.

To the left was a group with seven boys. No. Seven men.

Taking in their faces they seemed so familiar. They weren't looking at me, so it was hard to tell. I wasnt, however, expecting them to be the boys that had seemingly climbed their way up from nothing. The boys I had grown so close to only to have been ripped away from them.

Looking at them I figured they looked more mature than when I last saw them. Something about them was older. I had recognized them when my eyes landed on the particular short passionate rapper sitting next to his light filled polar opposite companion.

Yoongi.

He was the only one looking at me. He didn't look angry, but he didn't exactly look happy either.

Just indifferent. I'd try to talk to him later too.

Finally, my eyes landed on the group seated right behind us. Six men. No. Six men and one girl. Definetly not a group I knew.

Raising an eyebrow I noted something else that was new. Were people still against putting a girl into a boygroup?

My eyes managed to catch one of the boy's. Yeah, definetly did not know them. He looked at me with curious eyes only for them to widen when recognition filled them. A red hue creeped up his neck and tinted his ears as he quickly looked down.

Amused I took in his baby like features paired with a body that obviously spent a lot of time at the gym. Broad shoulders, large biceps, and such a soft face.

How endearing.

I noticed the girl in the group who was sat beside him take his hand clutching it in hers. Neither of them looked at me. Curiousity probed at me, but I disregarded it instead realizing I had reached my group.

I sat myself between Chanyeol and Baekhyun who instantly made space for me. Baekhyun looked at me with a childish confusion.

"Why didn't you talk to your friend" his eyes fluttered over to Yoongi for a brief second before returning to mine. I shook my head. "I don't think he wants to talk, Baek. I'll try later." He tilted his head eyebrows furrowing.

"But you didn't even try Zhi" I sighed shaking my head. "You don't understand Ba-"

"No! you always say that, and I'm getting tired of it. Help me understand" his whispers were getting increasingly desperate. I couldn't do this. Especially not here. I turned away looking at the stage where many performances were set to happen. He tried leaning so that he was in front of trying to catch my gaze, but I avoided it.

"Just drop it Baekhyun" his eyes narrowed. "Xinzhi are you being serious with me right now?" Then Minseok sighed leaning back and crossing his arms.

"Baekhyun, please" at that the mentioned man looked at the older one questionably before huffing and slouching in his seat. Chanyeol's doe eyes flickered between Baek and I wondering who he should comfort. In the end, he reached out to both of us grabbing our hands and linking them together patting then before letting go.

My gaze landed on Baek and I's hands grasped together before clutching on to it tighter feeling the same thing from him.

It wasn't that long before the lights previously on dimmed, and the camera men got into position. I watched as Park Bogum's figure walked onto the stage with the screams of the crowd signaling the start of the event. His handsome face smiled at the camera as he introduced the show and made some cheesy jokes here and there. I let myself relax in my seat seeing as we would be the last to perform.

We enjoyed the performances dancing along to the choreography and lip synching to the lyrics. Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Chen got especially excited with Twice while I got exited at Mamamoo. We made funny faces at the camera as Kyungsoo gave it a blank face and Junmyeon grinned nervously. It seemed so incredibly normal I didn't have a hard time settling in. A small pang struck at my chest when Bts performed seeing Yoongi stare at the camera so defiantly. Baekhyun just smiled nudging my shoulder with his.

I was so busy laughing with the beagle line acting like gossiping schoolgirls to notice the group behind us getting up and walking off backstage.

It wasn't until the beginning of a song starting with "Blow it" and it's bass shaking the floor that my attention was catched. Looking at the stage my eyes landed on the group immediately recognizing the man I had locked eyes with earlier. This time there was seven men and one girl. Hm, he must have been in the bathroom. I didn't get a good look at the new guy's face.

My interest only seemed to grow when I saw their chests vibrating along with bass of the song trying to replicate it only to abruptly stop when I remembered I had no support at that part of the dress. Giving the camera a suggestive look I settled down focusing on the performance.

The guy with the baby face I looked at earlier seemed like a totally different person. Confident in the way he moved and looked.

The start already had me interested. It wasn't until the first verse started that I felt my heart start beating faster. A guy with fiery orange hair stepped up eyes ablaze with passion. I felt my eyes widen, and my mouth drop a bit. My heart wasn't beating faster because of infatuation. Oh no.

It was beating with the elxiliration of finding someone who spoke the same language I did. This guy wasn't an idol.

He was a rapper.

And a damn good one at that.

My energy seemed to increase filling my chest with a weird buzzing and making my hear nod. In conclusion, I like this guy. I don't think I've seen energy like that in a long time.

I was about to turn to ask Chanyeol, who oddly knew everyone, who this was until I was interrupted by a deep velvety voice.

"I am what I am."

You wot m8???

My eyes blinked as my heart seemed to stutter. I clutched at my chest willing my heart to stop acting so weirdly. Not taking my eyes off the performance I nudged Chenyeol with my hand nodding my head in the direction of the group. "Who is that?"

"Monsta x."

I repeated the name still in a trance. As my lips parted in way for the name I realized it had a good ring to it. Next to me Baekhyun snickered looking at the others.

"I think Zhizhi just fell in love." I didn't even have the heart to smack him in retaliation. The group itself was very eye catching with the choreography, rapping, and vocals are going together very nicely.

But he was captivating. 

With the metal in his eyebrow sparkling everytime the light hit it, and his body moving across the stage like that's where he belonged. He wasn't the most handsome.

Handsome wouldn't be something to describe him. Entrancing seemed to fit him more. Pulling you in with his gleaming dark eyes and a flash of his lazy smile. There was an odd mixture of darkness and light that clinged to him. A wry smile tugged at my lips as I leaned back taking a sip of my water.

As my heart continued to pulse at a quick speed, fear started curling around the edges of my chest. I really was off my rocker. I was acting like a teenager high off freedom recklessly falling in love with anyone who seemed daring enough to break her. Too bad I was already broken.

For the rest of the performance I continued to space out working on pushing any of the thoughts about him out of my head. I tried focusing on the performance, but anytime ne eyes landed on him my mouth went dry. I couldn't help but laugh at myself.

I didn't even know his name.

Rationality pulled at me helping me get his stupid face out of my head. Smiling falsely I bopped my head to the beat of the song. My eyebrows raised when baby face man ripped his shirt off. His lean torso wasn't what surprised me.

I had seen a ton of idols take their shirt off (Don't misinterpret I used to like attending other group's concerts before the incident), but I had never seen duality quite like his. No matter how many time baby face man flashed the camera with a seducing smile I couldn't help but remember his shy eyes not even able to hold my gaze. What were they feeding idols these days?

Who am I kidding?

I live with Byun Baekhyun.

Sighing I let out a relieved breath when the performance ended. I was so distracted I didn't see Baekhyun making kissy faces at me.

The rest of the performances passes in a blur. Groups I didn't know the name of nor that they existed having their five minutes of spotlight. I didn't bother trying to catch Yoongi's eyes instead conversing with Chanyeol trying to learn about new groups.

It wasn't until I saw figures approaching out of the corner of my eye that my back straightened. Sitting up I slightly twisted around noticing baby face man and his group coming back from their performance.

As they sat down my eyes roamed their faces looking for the deep voiced rapper. My eyes caught with some of theirs, and they bowed their heads in greeting. I bowed my head slightly everytime I looked up they avoided my gaze. It wasn't until I saw a glint from my far left that I tilted my head eye to eye with the rapper who had caught my attention.

My eyes zeroed in on him as we each bowed to eachother.

But as he looked up he didn't immediately avert his eyes. Oh no.

He looked at me. Dark eyes boring into mine curiousity gleaming in the depth of his orbs. He didn't smile or smirk. He had no expression. He just looked at me.

I couldn't think of a time where this had happened. Where an idol actually held my gaze. An idol I had not previously talked to. Hell I didn't even know he existed, but I knew he recognized me. The mysterious female rapper from Exo who was hidden from the public.

Idols feared me, yet his eyes didn't hold any trace of the emotion as we gazed at eachother. I couldn't find it in myself to look away.

The only thing that bought me out of my trance was a slap to the back of the neck.

Hissing my hand traveled to my neck rubbing the skin as I turned around looking into Chanyeol's doe eyes.

"What the hell Yeol?" his eyes were wide and accusing. "Really Xinzhi? Im Changkyun?? A basically rookie idol who's two years younger than you??" Well that certainly made things harder. Looking at him with an uninterested expression and a roll of my eyes I replied "Younger? How fun." Chanyeol's eyes widened even further as he tugged at my ear "Kim Xinzhi!"

"Ah- Ok listen how is age a problem when I dated Leeteuk" At that he tugged at my ear harder. "You dated Leeteuk?!" He screeched. I slapped my hand on his mouth his screaming muffled. I heard my name get hissed out and saw Junmyeon looking at me with those wide eyes your mom gives you when you talk back.

You know the "You better run before you get whooped" eyes. Looking at the group they were all looking at me wide surprised and scandalized expressions. Except Kyungsoo who gazed at me with mild interest mild then looked away. Now that I remember the only one I had ever told about my relationship with our senior was the stoic man.

Slapping Chanyeol's hand away from my ear I grumbled. I heard Sehun snickering. Looks like I could wave those noodles goodbye.

Grinning innocently at the leader his glare hardened making me shrink back in my seat. I wasn't scared of much. Not even Kyungsoo's dead eyes staring into my soul could strike terror into me. But let me put it this way.

No fear.

Furious Junmyeon.

One fear.

If mad Junmyeon asked you to do something you did it without question. There was no arguing with mad Junmyeon. To put it simply....

I'm fucked.

One wrong move and I wouldn't be let out of the dorms for another five years. Smiling I folded my hands in my lap and stared straight ahead choosing to try and not piss off my leader even more. Chanyeol guiltily tapped my knee whispering a quick "sorry".

Baekhyun then also leaned in. "Junmyeon says "We're talking about it later". He also says to settle down and behave." I nodded still aware of Junmyeon’s eyes boring holes into the side of my head. "Looks like Myeonie isn't so happy Zhizhi" Sehun taunted hands clapping in amusement.

My nails digged into my palm as I restrained myself from lunging at him. Testing Junmyeon was not something I wanted to do.

The only thing distracting me from the concequences I'd be facing soon was the fluttering feeling in my chest as the time to perform got closer. That and the set of eyes I felt from behind me. Trying to ignore it I would interact with the fans waving at them and asking them questions. Their smiling faces calming my racing heart.

It wasn't long before we were signaled backstage to prepare for our performance. Making sure I still looked presentable I stood up choosing to stay away from Junmyeon. I instead walked with Minseok choosing him as the best option of protection from Junmyeon’s wrath.

I had to separate from the members seeing as the female dressing rooms were in a different hall then those of the Male idols. Japan really took scandals seriously apparently.

As I walked to the dressing room heels tapping againt the ground I heard a gasp. Pausing my stride I strained my ears seeing if my mind was playing tricks on me.

"Just go say hi. The worst thing that could happen was her ignoring you." Turning in the direction of the voice I found nine young boys standing there looking like deer caught in headlights.

Recognizing them I smiled softly. I couldn't bring myself to put on my persona for them.

Walking closer I bowed as they scrambled to do the same. "Stray Kids right? Nice to meet you" I made me tone welcoming and gentle. A guy with dimples and curly hair stuttered. "You know us?"

I nodded. "Your music is really unique you know? It's very...how should I say? Real? Comforting? I cant really label your music. Let's just say it transcends words. I can't count the number of times I've cried listening to it." Laughing softly I watch as they visibly relax shoulders slumping and easy smiles being shared. My eyes landed on a particular short rapper with dark hair and a sharp jaw.

"Changbin, you're a good rapper. Very passionate. I honestly wouldn't mind working together. All of you." I watched as their expressions of suprise morphed onto their faces. My eyes caught a watch on one of their wrists.

"Sorry I have to cut this short, but I have to go get ready. It was nice meeting you." Words of agreement followed me as I walked away.

I wasn't lying. A collaboration with them seemed interesting. Although, given the intense competition between our companies it would be a hassle to get management to agree.

My train of thought was interrupted by a deep voice.

"You know, you're really different from what the articles say you are." I felt my heart lurch into my throat as I spinned around.

Looking at him was hard enough. Talking to him? Well it took me a second to find my voice. Regaining my composure I tilted my head.

"Can't you say the same?"

Lifting a pierced eyebrow in amusement he shook his head. "You're the exact opposite of all the things I've heard. Are you sure you're Zui from Exo?" Scoffing I narrowed my eyes. My stage persona was a whole other being compared to me. He however, was just as bold as he was on stage.

"Excuse me, who are you?" He actually had the nerve to laugh. He opened his mouth as if to say something only to shake his head and close his mouth. Stepping closer he offered his hand.I accepted watching as his hand easily fit mine encasing it in warmth.

"Im Chankyun. Rapper and maknae from Monsta x." all information I already knew. I nodded trying to seem uninterested. He seemed like the kind of person to tease if I spurred him on. Trying to calm the heat traveling up my neck I cleared my throat.

"You already know who I am". He scoffed through his nose letting out a disbelieving grin.

"Apparently I don't" I started cursing the universe for choosing him out of all poeple. Although, he definetly had charm.

Sighing I gave in snatching my hand from his when I noticed we hadn't let go of eachother. Clasping my hand close to my chest I relented.

"Kim Xinzhi. Rapper and maknae from Exo." his eyes sparkled. "We have a lot in common" his voice was the same smooth tone he had on stage. It felt like he didn't have to put on much of a mask.

The more we talked the more I felt myself getting attached to him. As my fondness grew, so did my fear.

Hardening my face and tightening my lips I took a step back. He wanted Zui? I'd give him Zui.

I shook my head.

"We don't"

"Well now you're just being difficult." I really had to pick this one didn't I?

"We really aren't similar at all. We're on opposite sides of the same spectrum. I'm up here, and you're down here. My group has won thousands of awards while yours is just starting out, and-...are-are you paying attention?" I cut myself off as I saw him zoning out eyes zeroed in on my face.

I turned around to see if he was staring at something behind me only to turn back around and have his hand reaching up to my face.

"Don't move"

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

Chapter 8 - (totally uninterested.)

How’s it feeling today?

Not good

No?

No. Need you to come help me.

Help you with what?

Lots.

Lots?

Lots!

🙄 coming

**

I walked into Harry’s apartment right after 5pm on Monday night--and seeing as it was both of  our nights off, I figured I’d be nice and bring him some ice cream.

I’d called him from the store to inquire about what he wanted, but I made it clear that he’d  only get ice cream if he actually let me study for my upcoming history test. So now, I was sat on the floor of his living room while he was propped up on the couch (with his right ankle elevated in a strangely royal fashion), while he channel surfed.

“Can I have a beer?”

“Are you serious? No! I’m studying. You’re supposed to be doing homework too.”

He rolled his eyes at this but didn’t protest. Instead, he stood himself up and started to hobble towards the kitchen. I’d been nice enough to him--I’d gotten him an ice pack, brought the ice cream, helped him get set up on the couch, brought him a snack and a tissue.

He was feeling alright enough to walk some short distances, but he was headed for his doctor’s appointment later in the week to learn his ultimate fate in relation to soccer. When he returned from the kitchen, he had two cans in his hands.

He tossed one to me quickly, letting out a laugh when my hands flew up to protect my head. “Jesus, you could have killed me,” I chastised. “I didn’t even want one.”

“They’re the ciders you like,” he said. “I keep them around for you.”

He did? “You do?”

“I do,” he said, settling back on the couch before opening the top. He took a sip and then raised it in my direction. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

I cleared my throat, unsure of what to say. Did I tell him that I liked the fact that he kept my favorite drink around? Did I tell him that I liked the fact that he knew my favorite drink in the first place? “Just can’t believe that you nearly decapitated me.”

He laughed, picking up his phone to reply to a text. I glanced back down at the page in my textbook that would hopefully give me more information about the Ancient Greek Empire.

“Truth or dare?”

“Hm?” I looked up at him, positive that I’d misheard him.

“Truth or dare?” He said it again, his eyes still on his phone momentarily, but then he dropped it to his lap and looked me in the eyes as he brought the can to his mouth once more.

“Dare?” I said, still unsure of where he was headed.

“You can’t say dare first, Nora!”  

“What? Why? If I’m not allowed to say dare than you might as well just ask me a question!”

“You’ve ruined the game and we haven’t even started playing,” he laughed a bit, keeping his eyes on me as I adjusted to face him more directly.

I let out a sigh and bit my lip, my tone somewhat defiant. “Okaaaay, truth.”

“Do you really think Ethan Davis is right for you?”

I blinked a few times, my face feeling hot as I felt his eyes lock on mine. Voices passed in the hallway outside his apartment. I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Why?”

He shrugged his shoulders, a smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth. “Dunno--I just--don’t see it.”

“I don’t care if you don’t see it.”

“Okay, relax. No need to be so defensive,” he laughed a little, another sip from the cider. “Your turn.”

“Why do you care about my relationship with Ethan?”

“I didn’t say ‘truth,’” he narrowed his brows at me, but I wasn’t about to stand for it.

“You forced me to answer your question--you can answer mine.”

Harry--who found this much more amusing than I did--tried his best to suppress his smile. “Cause you’re not as bad as I thought. I’d hate to see you end up with someone not right for you.”

I rolled my eyes, dismissive of his words. Sure, Harry was allowed to ‘look out for me’--if you want to call it that--but his opinion on my love life felt out of place and unjust.

I sat there for a second, wondering how on earth Harry and I had become the type of friends to sit around drinking ciders and playing truth or dare. Something about it felt incredible juvenile, but at the same time, incredibly normal.

“Truth or dare?”

I brought my eyes back up to him, suddenly overwhelmed with a desire to blurt out all of my thoughts and feelings. I took a sip of the cider instead as I stood from my spot on the floor. I  walked to sit at the far end of the couch--his eyes on me as I adjusted and got comfortable.

“Truth.”

“Do you hate me as much as you used to?”

I twisted my face as if I was thinking long and hard--gaining a laugh from him when I shrugged my shoulders. “You’re less cocky than I thought you were.”

“Oh, gee, that’s great,” his voice was monotonous and unimpressed.

I straightened my legs out, kicking him in the knee a bit. “You’re lucky I can tolerate you as much as I do. Once upon a time we had a rule about only hanging out a certain number of times per week.”

“Yeah--we had a lot of rules that we didn’t really follow.”

“What? We didn’t not follow them, Harry. We just hang out more than we expected.”

He shrugged his shoulders playfully--as if he had more to say--but the door opened to his apartment, revealing Niall, Ethan, and Ryan.

“Hey,” Niall greeted, kicking his shoes off in the front hallway before coming into the living room. “Bit ‘o distance between ya’s, everything alright?”

I laughed, moving to get as close to Harry as possible without being on top of him. “Better?”

“Much,” Harry replied, his arm snaking around my waist quickly. I shot him a smirk--one that might have been too flirty and too playful--but he returned it as Ethan and Ryan came into view.

“How was practice?” I asked, reaching to tug at the hospital bracelet that was still around Harry’s wrist.

“Ugh,” Ryan let out a groan. “Fucking terrible. Coach had us doing all sorts of stupid shit to prepare for tomorrow’s game that we’re definitely going to lose.”

“You don’t know that, do you?” I asked, trying to be positive.

“No, we do, Nora.” Niall nodded assuredly. “We suck, honest to god. Garbage. Rat’s ass. No good.”

Harry shot me a look and let out a laugh at their theatrics, taking another sip of his drink. “Anyone care for a beverage?”

“Or ice cream? I brought plenty.”

“That sounds good,” Ethan said with a smile, pointing at the two of us as we sat cuddled on the couch.

“What did you do to deserve someone like her, Harry?” Niall raised his hands to the sky--as if he were praising the heavens--before heading for the freezer.

“Dunno,” he laughed, turning to look at me. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead--and it sort of sounded like he meant it.

**

The good news from Harry’s doctor’s appointment was that he’d be able to practice again in a few weeks--but the bad news was that he couldn’t coach his pee-wee soccer league with a strained ankle and a bulky boot.

And don’t get me wrong, I liked kids. They were fine enough--but the idea of 10-15 rowdy children who’d been cooped up all day in a D.C. public school kind of struck me as a good way to get premature gray hair and a stress ulcer before I turned 21.

Harry--in all his booted glory--seemed to find it quite entertaining to watch me try to get a bunch of 6 and 7 year olds to line up and do some kind of warm up drill he’d tried to explain. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t understand, the problem was that Harry was apparently terrible at articulating athletic instruction. Good thing the whole coaching thing wasn’t his Plan A.

His hair was up in a bun at the back of his head--and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t help but find it attractive when he knelt down to help a few of the kids tie their cleats and finish putting their shin-guards on.

“Okay, so, now you basically just have to run a few laps with them and then we let just fuck around for a while.”

“Wait--what?” I asked him, watching as he counted down the list on a clipboard that seemed to have all of their names in alphabetical order.

“Yeah, they just kick it around and chase each other and try to shoot on goal, pretty much.”

“No, not that,” I held a hand up. “You didn’t tell me I had to run. I didn’t agree to run.”

“Nora,” he looked up at me, his eyebrows dipped together to let me know that he wasn’t pleased. “You literally offered to help. You didn’t think about the fact that there’d be running involved?”

“No!” I let out a whine, stomping my foot to show him just how much I didn’t want to run. “I can, like, jog--maybe. Elliptical, fine. Running, no can do.”

“Just try, okay?” He held the clipboard by his side now and offered a smile before putting his hand up to his mouth to yell out to the kids. “Tonight’s extra warm up is tag, and Coach Nora is it first!”

“Fuck, Harry!” I said, looking at him as if he’d just told me that he’d been burnt down an orphanage. “Seriously?”

“You better catch one of them,” he smirked. “Whoever’s it at the end has to do extra push-ups.”

I took off running, setting my eyes on the boy in a green shirt and yellow cleats. The advantage I had was my height--which wasn’t something I could usually say. When you’re playing a game of tag with a bunch of kids, though, longer legs worked in your advantage.

I was able to give the kid a shove--which caused him to fall to the ground before springing back up with a hunger in his eyes I’d never seen. He took off after a girl with a long braid down her back, and I took that as my cue to just stay out of the way.

Harry seemed to let us go on like that for a while, finally blowing his whistle to circle us back up. Once they were situated with some different colored pinnies (there was only one fight about who got to wear which color), Harry was right--we let them go and they made do on their own.

“Is it always this easy? Are their parents really paying for this?”

“Their parents are not paying for this. It’s totally free. Was my idea with the athletics department instead of getting suspended from the team and with the judge for my--” he smirked over at me and lowered his voice. “Arrest.”

“You didn’t get arrested,” I rolled my eyes at him, walking over to join him on the bench on the side of the field as we switched roles in the conversation about his incident. “That would make you way cooler.”

“Yeah?” He laughed. “Much more appealing if I was a criminal?”

“Mhm,” I nodded, watching as one kid shoved another before stealing the ball with both hands (totally against the rules, but Harry didn’t seem to care). “It’d be hard to keep my pants on around you.”

He let out a laugh at that, watching me out of the corner of his eye for a second. I wondered what he was thinking as he reached down to adjust his boot.

I felt that feeling in my stomach--the nervousness and the excitement all twisted into one lump that seemed to settle just below my lungs. I kept my eyes down and focused on the chipped nail polish on my thumb, scratching at it to avoid having to address the feeling in my gut.

I’d made a mistake--I’d let myself get too attached to Harry and now I was stuck in a place where I’d be sure to lose either way. If Harry and I broke up and I started dating Ethan, I’d lose a friend in Harry most likely. There was no way Ethan would want to hang out as a group if he felt awkward about the fact that his girlfriend and the love of his life had previously dated his friend.

But at the same time, the knot in my stomach told me that I’d gotten too attached to Harry. I’d forgotten about the rules and the pretending and somewhere along the lines my heart got brought into the mix and now there was an excitation of my pulse when he looked at me like he was right now.

I’d never been the type of person to think before I spoke. It just wasn’t the Nora Hanson way of being. But now--with Harry beside me and a lot on the line--I chose to be quiet. Instead of talking it out with Kristen or running through my options a thousand times over as I spoke aloud to myself in the shower, I tried to quiet my mind.

And when feelings got in the way, I could remind myself of one thing: Harry and I weren’t actually meant to be. We weren’t actually the best of friends or two people who had undeniable chemistry (though maybe a part of me wouldn’t mind that). We were two co-workers who’d grown to tolerate each other and shared a few laughs along the way. We were working towards a goal and if it hadn’t been for that goal, none of this would have happened.

I couldn’t back out now. I couldn’t tell Harry that maybe, possibly, there was something between us. I couldn’t tell him that a part of me wanted to cancel everything and just spend time with him. Not to convince Ethan of anything, not to keep up with the plan, just to be with him and hear him laugh and watch the way his eyebrows dipped when I said something incredibly stupid that he just couldn’t help roll his eyes at.

If I did that--if I told Harry all of these thoughts, he’d probably pull back and feel uncomfortable and tell me that Nora, you’re a nice girl, but I’m totally uninterested.

And I wasn’t sure if my heart could handle that.

**

Need you to come over earlier. Have something to show you.

🤔A surprise?

Sort of 🙈

What is it?!

Nora, just come over. Ready when you are 👌

I’m in the middle of an episode of Law and Order!

Nooooraaaaaaa

Fiiiiiine! Give me 20.

**

The day of Halloween had arrived, and while Harry was more than ready to suit up in our costume, I was appreciative of the quiet morning and a chance to sit in bed and watch TV without any commitments. I’d told him originally that Kristen and I would be over around 7pm to pregame and help the boys set up, but I trudged across campus and over to his apartment with my costume shoved in my backpack when he’d texted.

“You have to be quiet because we’re not supposed to be going up here,” he told me, a small laugh escaping my lips when I furrowed my brows together. He reached for my hand and laced his fingers through mine, pulling me up the first few steps behind him.

He picked up his pace despite the clunky boot, dropping my hand when he got to the last few steps. I knew--just from my general knowledge of apartment buildings--that we were near the roof. He’d pressed the button for the top floor in the elevator, and the only place an emergency staircase could lead on the terminal floor of a building was--

“The roof,” he smiled, pushing the metal door open as he stepped onto the blacktop. “Technically for emergencies only, but I figured I’d do something nice for you as a ‘thank you’ for all you’ve helped with over the last few weeks.”

I stepped out behind him, shielding my eyes from the sun. When he let the door shut behind me, I saw--on the far side of the roof--a blanket laid down with two take out containers and a bottle of red wine.

“Is that ours?” I asked, smacking him in the stomach quickly out of excitement. I danced over, a smile on my face as he followed behind me.

“I had to ask Kristen what your favorite dish was from Beijing Cafe,” he said, lowering himself carefully so as to avoid any further injuries.

“Harry, this is so sweet,” I sat down quickly, thankful for the big sweatshirt I was wearing. My hunger was getting the best of me as I eyed the containers, opening each to reveal the contents inside. I reached for a plastic fork and scooped a mouthful of fried rice up to my lips. “Oh my god, it smells so good.”

He twisted the cap off of the wine, poured two glasses, and then handed one to me. “Yeah, well, eat up ‘cause I have a feeling you’re going to get pretty intoxicated tonight.”

“Me?” I feigned shock and offense while he laughed at my drama. “Intoxicated? Never in a million years would I be drunk.” I took a sip of the wine at that and lost all train of thought. “Pinot noir--you know the way to my heart.”

He was quiet for a moment, and I wondered if he was about to bring up the break up. We both knew it was happening--he’d mentioned it off-handedly in the library the other day, but he cleared his throat.

“Cheers to you being the best fake girlfriend I’ve ever had,” he smiled, raising his cup in the air.

I sighed, momentarily comfortable with the butterflies in my stomach as I lifted my cup to meet his. “Well--you’re also the best fake boyfriend I’ve ever had, even if you’re a dick half the time.”

“Yeah, I mean, you kind of make it easy to pretend,” he had his glass of wine still raised and against mine, but I cut him off before he could say any more. If he finished that sentence, we’d never go back. He’d make it too real, too quick, too much, too anything.

“Cheers to a successful fake relationship,” I said, pushing my glass against his once more before bringing it to my mouth. “We’re a good fake couple.”

His face seemed frozen for a second, like his thoughts were racing and maybe he didn’t like what I was saying. His tongue seemed to glide upon his lower lip, and I thought, for a second, he’d bring it all up.

Was he wondering how much was fake and how much was real? Did he forget, sometimes, that the whole reason this started was so I could get with someone else?

“Good wine,” I commented, offering a forced smile to lighten the mood.

I didn’t understand--if Harry was having feelings, he would have said something. He was the type of guy who spoke his mind and never felt bad about it. If Harry really wanted to, he could  have made this real a while back.

“Yeah,” he said. “Good wine.”

**

I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or the fact that Ethan was around, but nightfall had Harry feeling extra affectionate and extremely flirty. The vodka I’d already drank seemed to make my heart feel heavier in relation to the lack of reality in Harry and I’s relationship.

On one hand, pretending to date Harry left me with an adrenaline rush that I’d never experienced before--especially when his skin touched mine. On the other hand, each sweet thing Harry said and did made me feel even more like we were speeding towards a brick wall.

The inevitable break up would happen and everything we’d built--real or fake--would come crashing down.

But at half past 11pm and with the music blaring in their living room, I didn’t seem to have the wherewithal to think that far ahead. His arm snaked around my waist, he pulled me closer to him and spoke into my ear. “You look incredibly hot as a hippie.”

“Y’sure I don’t look like a hooker?” I asked, laughing against his chest as someone pushed past us to get towards the kitchen.

“Baby, y’look incredible,” he said, our faces close together in the dark of his apartment. If I didn’t know any better, I would have forgotten about the dinner we’d had, the things he’d said about Ethan, the agreement we’d made in September to string everyone along.

His hand moved down my back, resting on my butt as he looked down at me, a smirk growing on his lips. But luckily, I caught myself. I took a step back--realizing that we were about to ruin the entire plan because of a few too many drinks and the loud music that seemed to quicken my pulse.

“Harry,” I said, leaning up to his ear so he could hear me better. His arms pulled me closer to him, urging me to continue. “We have to do it. We have to break up.”

I felt his body stiffen, he pulled his head back to look down at me, a look of disgust was smeared on his face. “Nora--you’re seriously,” he cut himself off.

“I’m what, Harry?”

He didn’t answer--his silence made the anger in my chest grow with the thump of the bass. “I’m what, Harry?” I pulled back from him now, putting space between us as the drink in my hand  sloshed over the edge of the glass.

He stared at me with angry eyes. His lips moved as if he wanted to form words, but couldn’t. I shoved a hand into his chest, hoping to make him cough up the words like they’d gone down the wrong tube. “What?!”

He swatted my arm away. “If you just want to do it, we’ll do it? Okay? We can break up right here so everyone knows and you can go running into his arms, right? That’s what you want?”

I let out a sarcastic laugh--bothered by the fact that he was so angry with me. He’d been the one putting it off. He’d been the one who’d been treating me like I actually mattered to him and if he was starting to feel like the lines were blurred and maybe we weren’t just pretending--he was late to the party.

He grabbed my wrist and brought me deeper into the living room, his voice still loud as he turned to face me. “Is this what you want? Right here in front of everyone?”

“Harry, relax,” I said, my tone more serious now as I tried to pry my wrist away from him. “You’re  being an asshole.”

“Right, of course I am. I’m the asshole, and you--” he paused, trying to find the right words as he looked around the room. “You are annoying--did you know that? Maybe people always used to say that to you because it’s true, Nora. You’re just fucking annoying.”

I could feel my lips part, his words seemed to crawl into my heart and wrap around my lungs. The music seemed to quiet and the voices in the room seemed to become more hushed, and when I looked past Harry’s shoulder, I saw Ethan watching our scene with wide eyes--just like I’d always wanted. But something about this felt real--Harry’s words were not just pretend. The anger in his voice wasn’t just an act, and suddenly, he wasn’t just my coworker with a penchant for pissing me off.

I could feel everyone’s eyes on us, sweeping stares and hurried glances alike made tears well in my eyes as I tried to come to my senses. I was stupid to think that I could trust Harry with that insecurity--baring my soul in the hotel room we’d shared three weeks earlier felt like a dream I was trying to hold onto.

“Fuck you,” I said quietly, my voice too fragile to be any louder. “That’s fucking low.”

“You’re low, Nora,” he said, the pink sunglasses on his face were pushed up and in his hair now. “This whole thing was low.” He motioned around the room, and while everyone else was clueless as to what he was talking about, I knew.

He meant pretending to date to make Ethan jealous. He meant that all of it--everything we’d done over the last two months--was a waste of time and, apparently, annoying.

I turned to walk away quickly, sobs threatening to spill over at any second. I pushed through the crowd and headed for Niall’s bedroom, slamming the door behind me and pausing there until I  heard the music get louder and the talking and laughing resume outside. I was stuck--both physically and emotionally--locked inside of Niall’s bedroom as if I didn’t need to get out of this apartment any time soon.

I was drunk--I chalked up the tears and the nauseousness and the quickened heartbeat to the four drinks and two shots I’d had, hoping that if I could just sober up, just take away the tipsiness, I’d be fine.

Maybe I was stupid to think that Harry and I could fake it like we did. Maybe I was stupid to think that things wouldn’t get messy and that there’d be no feelings hurt. And maybe we’d been so good at pretending that both of us got caught up in the moment and thought that there was a chance for something more.

“Nora?” I heard a voice sound from the other side of the door as two knocks made my body shake against it.

I expected it to be Kristen, but when I opened it quickly, Ethan stood on the other side. Of course it was Ethan. His face--upon seeing me--was concerned. He squeezed through and then shut the door behind us.

“Hey, hi, are you okay? What just happened?”

I let out a dry laugh, unsure if any one of us knew the answer to his question. “I don’t know, Ethan.”

“Come here, come sit,” he said, taking my elbow to bring me towards Niall’s bed. I’d flicked the light switch on, revealing a heap of dirty clothes in the corner next to a bike that I’d never seen Niall ride.

I followed him over and sat, wiping at my eyes carefully so as to not damage the inordinate amount of make up I was wearing. “I don’t even know what just happened, but clearly, we’re done.”

The words felt ironic coming out of my mouth--I mean, we’d never really started to begin with. But Ethan didn’t know that, and in this moment, it felt like whatever type of anything I had with Harry was sure to be dead.

“It’s okay, I know, I’m really sorry--he was being a total dick out there,” Ethan said, his voice was soft and his hand now held onto mine between us, our knees touched on top of Niall’s navy comforter. “He’s making a huge mistake by letting you go.”

I nodded, hoping to calm my emotions as I tried to swallow. Ethan’s words were sweet--but I wondered how drunk he was. When I looked up at him, he offered me a smile that I couldn’t help but return--inebriated or not. “I’m sure I look like a fucking idiot,” I said, letting my eyes trail down to the floral print dress. The headband around my forehead (which matched the print of Harry’s shirt) was starting to itch--I grabbed at it quickly, pulling it off and running a hand through my hair.

“You look as beautiful as ever,” he laughed, his blue eyes seemed to scan over my face in an effort to remember my features. Yeah--he was definitely drunk.

Whether it was the alcohol or the crying or the emotional outburst from Harry, I suddenly had the courage to lean forward and kiss him, pressing my lips to his as I moved closer to him on the bed. This is what I wanted, right? Ethan and me, making out, roaming hands, his fingers knew exactly where to connect on my hips as I suddenly was on top of him.

My thoughts seemed to race from Harry to Kristen (she knew the break up was coming, she probably thought the living room scene was planned) to Niall to work to Ethan. But despite the fact that I was kissing the assured love of my life, my head kept circling around Harry and the relationship grand finale and every other scene before that.

Waffles in New York and the emergency room and the information desk and in my dorm when I was sick. Mini golf on the river and driving home to DC in the car. Coaching his soccer league and playing truth or dare. I watched as each scene seemed to play in front of me, my heart pounding against my chest as I heard the door open behind us.

“Nora--can we just--”

I was off of Ethan in seconds, stood up and turning around, smoothing out my dress and combing my hair with my hands, face to face with Harry--who looked remarkably less angry than he was five minutes ago. His eyes were wide and his mouth ajar, he reached a hand up to rub the back of his neck.

Ethan stood behind me, clearing his throat in an awkward attempt to break up the silence. “Hey, man, it’s totally not--”

“Shut up, Ethan,” he scoffed, shaking his head in disgust.

Why did he come in here? Why didn’t he storm out of the party in the opposite direction and find another drink on the way? Why did he choose now to knock on the door and salvage whatever broken pieces he’d left on the floor in the living room? Why, even more so, was he coming in here if he thought I was so annoying?

“Harry don’t be mad at him,” I said, stepping forward, an ache in my chest telling me that everything was crashing down. Like we were a city and bombs were going off around us, the walls were caving in and there seemed to be no way out.

“Of course not, Nora,” his tone was flippant and resentful as he raised his palms towards the sky. “And I can’t be mad at you, either, right? You got exactly what you wanted.”

He looked back at Ethan as he turned to leave. “Go fuck yourself, mate.”

AN: y’allllllll. this is the biggest chapter YET. wow. What do you think? Please come chat with me and share your thoughts and PLEASE reblog if you like my writing or this story or me in general please and thanks :’) *********also i called this chapter 10 at first because i’m an idiot, it’s chapter 8 y’all pls forgive my stupid ass***********

taglist: @bathrobesinparadise @stylesfics-xx @you-sure-are-magneato @bookofstyles @mylovehes @astro-sweetheart @love-qwertyuiop-things @nataleefrantz @biteharrysthigh @wanderlustiing @flooome @singingintherainnnxx @tile-rose

[merlin-wolfgang-trades-hale]

“Hey man, where were you?” Chin asked as Steve joined him for lunch.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Random drug test.”

Kono and Chin both shared a raised eyebrow look before Chin asked, “Excuse me? You? Mr. I-Can’t-Ever-Let-An-Old-Lady-Cross-The-Street-Herself, star quarterback, honor roll, 4.0 GPA McGarrett was tested for drugs?”

Kono scoffed out a chuckle, “Why?”

“Whittemore’s still pissed I’m captain. He saw me talking with Williams and started making accusations.” Steve explained with a shrug. His lying has gotten way better since being in a relationship with Danny.

Part of him really hates the secrecy. He doesn’t have a problem with it, and both he and Danny were strong enough to deal with anyone stupid enough to try to bully them. And yet...they just weren’t ready.

Their lives were too different. Steve worked his butt off to get where he is now so he could go to the best school and make his dad proud. He doesn’t have time to properly date anyway. The amount of work he had to put into to get the full ride to Stanford was insane. And maintaining everything so he doesn’t lose it is still hard work.

So his thing with Danny works.

Though he has to keep reminding himself constantly that it does.

He has to keep reminding himself what it is. Mostly physical. Somewhat romantic.

It would be so much easier if Danny was the persona he pretends to be. If he were that rude, uncaring, lost cause that society has given up on.

But he’s not.

Relationship wise? Steve’s never felt more intense orgasms than when Danny has a hand in it. Danny worships his body and makes him feel things he didn’t think were possible. Not to mention he’s an amazing kisser.

When Steve began to tutor him, he dreaded it. He just wanted to get the points that tutoring would get him and just be done with it. The moment the clock struck 4, he’d be gone.

But Danny wasn’t stupid, he just needed someone to explain it in a different way. He was so clever. And he was funny. Sarcastic with a humor that was right up Steve’s alley.

And the body? Yeah, okay Steve’s lost more than a few hour’s of sleep just thinking about Danny’s body even before they kissed.

Danny was also not as bad a guy as people at school make him out to be. Yeah, he smokes. Both weed and cigarettes but he’s not violent. He’s gotten in fights before but Steve’s come to learn that the guys that Danny’s gotten into fights with were the rich ass hats that think they can get away with anything because of their family status.

Danny also works! Yeah it’s at a garage and sometimes he misses days if not a full week of school to work, but it’s not because he doesn’t care about education. His family is big and sometimes income is low. So Danny provides for his family.

Danny was an amazing guy, but no one outside of his family, a few co-workers, and Steve knew it.

“You’re still tutoring Williams? ACT’s are done. If he can’t grasp the material now, is it even worth it?” Kono asked.

Steve shrugged, “Tutoring looks good on my resume.”

“Well, with how often he’s at school, I can’t see you being bothered too much by him,” Chin added.

Steve frowned for a moment before he remembered he had to smile.

That was something he was trying to avoid thinking about. Graduation was coming up. He himself was nervous but excited at the same time. He was very proud of what he’s been able to do and the school he got into. His dad was really proud too. He’d thrown Steve the biggest ‘congratulations’ party they could afford and it was amazing.

But Danny hadn’t gotten into college. He had tried, and only Steve knew.

Steve was there to hold Danny as he cried and called himself stupid and a failure. He did everything he could to reassure Danny that he wasn’t either. But Danny still wouldn’t be going to college this fall. Steve would.

“What’s so bloody special about the West Coast anyway?” Danny demanded.

“It’s one of the best schools, Danny!” Steve argued.

“What about your family? You’re big on family. I know you’re always worried about your kid sister. How are ya gonna keep her outta trouble all the way from over there?”

“Mary’s gotta grow up some time and she will. She’s proud of me, and so is my dad. I...why can’t you be proud of me too?”

“I just...I am proud Steve, it’s amazing how smart you are. I just...I don’t see why you can’t stay here…” the ‘with me’ was left unsaid, but Steve heard it.

“I have to see how far I can go, Danny. I’m sorry.’

Danny hadn’t talked to him for about two weeks after that. It was actually their first conversation that Whittemore witness. Danny doesn’t sell, but when he’s at school he does tend to hang out with those who do. According to Danny, Whittemore is a frequent buyer of steroids, which is why he was so good. Their conversation that Whittemore witness was so forced and school-related that Steve seemed a bit angry while Danny remained stoic. Whittemore tried to tease Steve about being cut off by Danny.

Steve felt like he was, but not in the way Whittemore thought.

They hadn’t broken up officially, but it felt like it.

“Williams residence, Clara speaking.”

“Hey, Mrs. Williams. This is Steve McGarrett. I’m Danny’s tutor. We were supposed to meet up at the library today but he never showed.”

“Oh, hello dear. So sorry about that. Daniel...he uh...he had a doctor’s appointment. Wasn’t feeling so well.”

“Is he alright?” Steve asked with concern.

“He will be. I’ll tell him you called. Stuart, was it?”

“Steve. Steve McGarrett.”

“Of course. Sorry. Bye-bye.”

Danny had kept himself from getting hit in the face, but apparently, he got in a lot more trouble after Steve told him he wasn’t going to stay in Jersey. One week he was gone because he got arrested in a bar brawl and it took some time for his dad to get the bail money.

Another week he was in the hospital because of a street brawl.

They hadn’t officially broken up so Steve got to see him some nights when Danny snuck into Steve’s room. He wouldn’t go into detail, they barely talked any more. They both knew it was ending and they just wanted to hold on to what they had left.

Steve hoped to see Danny at graduation, but the blonde was nowhere in sight. Steve tried to call many times, even go to visit but Danny was avoiding him like the plague.

Eventually, it was time for Steve to leave.

The first few weeks he still thought about Danny. Even called a few times, but no answer.

Weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and so much has happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey! Look who’s back!”

Steve smiled as he hugged Kono. She led him through the crowd of parents and family to where Chin and Malia were. They both hugged her too.

“Hey man, good to see you.” Chin greeted.

“Very good to see you, Steve,” Malia added.

“Thanks, guys. How’s the score?” Steve asked as he tried to find Sara out in the field.

“Still zero zero. You’re not that late.” Chin informed him, then Malia told him which number Sara was. They cheered for their little soccer player, and he and Chin were ecstatic when Sara scored the winning goal.

Steve was standing by, not wanting to get too much in the way of Chin and Malia’s moment with Sara. That’s when he heard it.

“Daddy we won! We won!”

“I saw monkey! I’m so proud of you!”

Steve froze. He pushed a bit through the crowd to see if it was really him, and it was.

Danny. Looking amazing as ever and...god.

“Can we go celebrate with Sara?” Grace asked.

“Grace did kick the ball to Sara so they could win. I think they both deserve ice cream.” Kono said with a smile. She then saw Steve gaping at Danny. “Steve...you remember Danny Williams right?”

“Uh...I...um…”

“Is he okay?” Grace asked Sara.

Sara giggled and shrugged, “That’s my Uncle Steve. He’s kinda weird.”

“You’re a cop.” Steve blurted out. The badge was shiny and the sunlight bounced off of it.

Danny blinked and looked at it before he laughed, “Yeah. I am.”

“These things could get very rowdy, but luckily since Grace began playing and Danny coming to support her, the badge keeps some of the more overzealous parents at bay,” Malia informed him.

“I think Steve’s a bit more shocked about me being a cop than a referee...I’m sure Chin’s mentioned that I was....”

“Quite the bad boy,” Kono said with a smirk.

“Yeah. So being a cop might not be what he expected.” Danny said with an easy smile. Something he didn’t use to do. He would walk around angry at the world. This...this was a nice look on him.

“Ah. Well, how about that ice cream?” Malia asked.

“I agree that they both deserve it. We’ll meet you guys at Kamekona’s shaved ice?” Danny asked.

When they parted ways, Kono decided to drive with Steve.

“He’s...he’s got a kid. So uh...who...who did Danny marry?” Steve choked out. He hated it because Kono was never one to fall for his bullshit.

“A Brit named Rachel. Didn’t work out. They divorced about two years ago. Danny’s living the single father life now.” Kono informed him.

“And he’s a cop?”

“Detective actually. Damn good at it too. You should see how sexy he looks in his Camaro.”

“Are you and him..?” God, he hoped not. He wasn’t sure he could stomach it.

“Hm? No. I think I missed my boat. After they got divorced, Danny decided to stop living a lie and came out as bi with a preference to men.”

“Ah. Cool. Very cool.” Steve said as he tried to remain cool, but he was secretly freaking out on the inside.

At the ice cream place, the girls were running back and forth trying to decide what they should get while simultaneously telling Kamekona about their win.

Chin and Malia kept an eye on them while deciding what to get for themselves, while Kono caught up with Flippa.

Danny approached Steve with a smile, “Hey...welcome home.”

Damn butterflies in Steve’s stomach. “Thanks. Congrats on the win.”

“We would train hard and it paid off. The girls did great.” Danny smiled at Grace and Sara. There was a pause there that Steve hated. Danny thankfully said something. “Hey, I know this is out of the blue but...would you let me take you out to dinner sometime while you’re here?”

“Like a date?” Steve asked instead of just saying yes. But part of him had to know.

“If that’s what you want it to be. I know I would. For all the times I couldn’t before.”

“You’d owe me a lot of dates then,” Steve told him.

“Are you staying long enough for me to take you out that many times?”

“I am,” Steve answered.

“Then tomorrow. Movies and dinner, yeah?”

“Movies and dinner. Sounds perfect.”

So I know it’s not perfect but I’m fighting some writer’s block and I saw this idea posted by @five-hoe and I hope it’s okay >.> 

[roemyheart]

The Search for Scissors

A/N: here’s some Joe Toye x female!medic for you!! This ended up being way longer than intended, but in BOB he makes me feel some type of way. 

“Oh, Jesus Christ, what’d you do to the poor girl?” “What? I didn’t do anything!” “Toye, she’s pinker than a fuckin’ strawberry for crying out loud.” Luz chided. “It’s her fault for blushing so damn easy. She fell so I just helped her up.” I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “I-I was just, uh, looking for Doc. I need scissors.” Avoiding eye contact with a tent full of mostly shirtless, completely fit young men was quite difficult and I wondered what I’d done to deserve this – for better or for worse. When I first embarked upon my quest for a pair of scissors, I didn’t expect to trip over a pair of boots and face-plant. I certainly didn’t expect those boots to belong to an inconveniently shirtless Joe Toye, but that seemed to be my luck lately. I’d run into the devastatingly handsome young soldier on numerous, unfortunate occasions and I was beginning to feel that the universe had it out for me. I couldn’t wash dirty laundry in peace (Joe and Malarkey, donning only underwear, jumped in the pond), I couldn’t eat peacefully in the dining hall (I dropped spaghetti on Joe. Twice.), and I absolutely couldn’t sleep well (Lipton had just moved my bunk right above – you guessed it – Joe Toye’s bed). Now, I also could not search for scissors without emotional distress. These unpleasant instances would not cause me so much misery if I did not find myself absurdly attracted to Joe Toye, but I was learning quickly that the world could be a cruel place. I’d seen Joe at his most comfortable, playfully roughhousing with the guys and downing a few beers. It just so happened that I made an utter fool of myself anytime he was within arm’s length and his gruff silences and unimpressed expressions seemed to translate into a simple, nonverbal I don’t like you. Lipton appeared, graciously clothed and glowing in the firelight like an angel. “Doc went to touch base with Spina a few tents down.” I nodded, cheeks still heated. “Thank you, sir.” I barely caught Lipton’s quick sidelong glance with enough time to panic. “Toye, walk her over there, will you?” My eyes widened in horror. “Oh no, sir, that w-won’t be necessary. I don’t wanna trouble anyone. I can make it over there on my own, no problem a-at all.” I babbled, flustered all over again. Lipton smiled gently at me. “I know you’re one hell of a tough cookie and I know none of these men here would hurt a hair on your head, but I can’t speak for the rest of the guys out there. And I’d like to keep one of the best medics in the whole army out of harm’s way.” Straightening my posture, I nodded. “Yes, sir. I understand.” Lipton cut a look to the dark haired, olive skinned man on my right. “Toye, no funny business, okay?” Joe’s mouth opened and closed indignantly, scowling. “Yes, sir.” He grumbled. Maybe, just maybe, I caught a dusting of pink across his flawless skin.   Luz smirked from the bed across from Joe’s. “Yeah, Joe, no funny business. She’s gonna have an aneurysm if you get her any more flustered.” “George!” I groaned into my hands. “Or if you don’t put a shirt on.” He added in a quiet voice. In response, I scowled and gave him the finger. “Huh?” Joe asked, tying up his boots. “Oh, nothing. Just letting Y/N know that I don’t got any scissors.” I had never formally notified George Luz of my miserable crush on Joe, but the man had a knack for discovering well-kept secrets, including (but not limited to) Joe Liebgott’s stash of chocolate. And, perhaps, my moon-eyes, dreamy sighs, and metaphorical drooling weren’t as conspicuous as I needed them to be. Toye appeared unfazed. He tugged on a snug white t-shirt that put his toned arms on display for the whole battalion to admire and slung his rifle over his shoulder. His voice was rough and gravelly as he told me, “Let’s go.” I was embarrassed to admit to myself that I’d probably go anywhere he asked me. As if Luz could read my mind and wanted to cause me further distress, he suggestively drawled, “Stay safe, kids.” 

The air was clean and dry through summer nights around northern France. It smelled mostly of flowers at this camp and less of gunpowder. It was windy enough to just barely ruffle my hair, warm breeze kissing my cheeks. The moon floated above our heads, looming and glowing, playing pretty shadows of light across Joe’s chiseled features. “You really don’t have to walk me over to the other tents, Joe.” I told him quietly. He half-snorted. “Let me follow orders, doll.” “Okay.” I nearly squeaked, grateful that the cover of darkness hid my – once again – red cheeks. “Plus,” He started, scuffing his boots against the gravel. “I don’t mind.” He told me quietly. “Oh,” I breathed, heart thudding. “Well. Thanks.” He hummed in response and we continued winding our way through the camp. The silence that hung between was only slightly awkward, occasionally punctuated by rowdy yelling and rough laughter. “Sorry about the spaghetti the other day, by the way.” I said quietly. He breathed a laugh and shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like you were wasting my Ma’s cooking.” I smiled, almost bitterly. “Wouldn’t dream of doing something like that.” There was a beat of silence before he asked, “Do you miss home?” Joe cast a sidelong glance my way, making me slightly self-conscious. “Yeah, of course I do. But I didn’t feel like I could do as much good at home, so I came here.” He looked at me, almost fondly, lips tugging upward into a lopsided grin. “You’re doing a lot of good here, Y/N.” “When I’m not tripping over boots and spilling spaghetti, maybe. Thank you.” I laughed nervously. “What about you? Do you miss home?” I dared to look up at him, my heart leaping up into my throat. His long lashes grazed his cheeks as he looked down at the dirt, his mouth curled into a bitter smile. “Guess I do. But I don’t know, it’s nice to feel like I’m making a difference here. I never feel much like that when I’m home.” He told me, hesitation flickering across his face, dark eyes meeting my own. I frowned, heart aching at the despair lacing his quiet words. “You’re a good man, Joe, you – “ He nodded tensely to the tent on my right. “We’re here.” “Right. Thanks, Joe.” I swallowed nervously, forcing myself to flash him a friendly smile. He reciprocated the gesture, just barely. “No problem, Y/N. Get those scissors.” As I turned on my heel, a loud popping noise reverberated over our heads. I barely had a moment to look up before I was knocked over onto the ground, the air squeezed out of my lungs with the impact of the fall. I wheezed out a breath, looking straight up at the sky as someone nearby exchanged fire with the enemy. It took a few moments to register the yelling and the crack of ricochets and Joe Toye’s athletic frame hovering protectively over my own.   We spent a few beats suspended in a space that was just us – wide eyes, bated breath, and flustered skin. “Up.” My voice cracked. “Up! We gotta get up, Joe!” I told him frantically. He jumped off of me like I was the one shooting at him. “Right. Shelter. Let’s go find cover. And Lip.” His voice caught, lower than usual, and if we weren’t trying to escape raining bullets, I might have swooned a little. We stuck close together, winding our way through the tents, avoiding fire and frantic privates. We found Lip grimacing on the far end of the field, high enough to have a good vantage point, surrounded by dense brush, Malarkey, Babe, and Smokey. “Where do you want us, sir?” Joe asked. Instinctively, I scanned each of the men for injuries. “Edward Heffron, you better put that helmet on, or so help me god I will kill you myself.” Babe grumbled. “You’re as bad as Doc.” Lipton barked out orders to his men and told me to stay near him until I heard a cry for a medic. 

I don’t know how much time we spent lodged in the chaos, but the fight persisted until the light of dawn peeked down at us. It was a miracle that we didn’t have too many casualties – mostly wounds inflicted by ricochets, a few bullets, and only one man lost – and that I managed without a pair of goddamn scissors. Everyone looked exhausted, their good night’s sleep robbed by the enemy. Even I felt my eyelids growing heavy, resting against some empty crates, aching fingers marred with dirt. “Good morning, Y/N.” Doc appeared above me, a gentle smile upon his dirtied face. It was impossible not to return his smiles – he was too sweet, and his smiles were too rare. “Morning, Doc.” “Coffee?” He held out a steaming mug. I nodded gratefully, accepting the caffeine graciously. His voice was quiet, but I could hear the smile in his southern lilt as I took a sip. “I think Joe Toye was lookin’ for you. He was down by Captain Winters and Guarnere last time I saw him.” I glanced up at Eugene, surprised, and nearly choked on my coffee. I cleared my throat. “Oh. Great. I’ll go find him. Thanks, Doc.” I wound through masses of tired soldiers as the sun continued to rise, warming our skin and waking the world up. I found him kneeling near Bill, something metallic glinting in his palm. They muttered to each other quietly, a smug smile on Bill’s face, and I squeezed the mug of coffee in my hands, shuffling my feet awkwardly. “Uh, Joe? Doc said he heard you were, um, looking for me?” I practically squeaked, nearly withering beneath Joe’s dark gaze. He flashed me a grin and the coffee in my stomach churned unhappily. “Doc heard right.” In his palm I spotted shiny brass knuckles and I forgot my nerves for a moment. I nodded to his hand, amused. “Adding to your collection?” “You know it.” He slid it over his long, elegant fingers and I had to force myself to look at my mug. “I’ve got something for you.” I cocked my head to the side, brow furrowed. “For me?” I could almost hear Luz make an innuendo in my head. He stood, brushing the dirt off his pants and patting Bill on the shoulder. “For you. It’s back with all my shit in the tent.” Jittery and with a dry throat, I gulped down the coffee, ignoring the way it burned my tongue. “A-are you alright?” I asked timidly as we entered the tent, noting his lack of injuries with relief.  “Just peachy. You?” He dug through his belongings. “Fine.” “Well, hello, you two.” Luz piped up from across the way, a shit-eating smirk comfortably on his face. “Luz.” Joe greeted him with his back turned. Luz wiggled his eyebrows and I could only glare at him. “Ah, here it is!” Joe chirped, more enthusiastic than I’d ever seen him and it made my insides melt into pathetic, lovestruck goo. He held a pair of silver scissors in front of my face, so clean they practically sparkled. I gasped. “Joe! This is amazing! Where’d you get these?” A stupidly gleeful smile worked its way onto my face. “We took a Kraut medic prisoner and he had a pack with all sorts of good crap in it. Spina and Doc needed most of it, but I snagged the scissors for you.” I couldn’t stop beaming as I stuck the scissors in my bag. “Thank you, Joe. I really appreciate it.” I told him warmly. Of all things, he blushed, a rosy hue blossoming across his cheeks.   “This is beautiful. When your kids ask how it all started, you can tell them it began with scissors.” “George Luz!” I yelled, lunging across the floor, fully intending to punch the smirk off his face. An arm hooked around my waist, pulling me back against a broad chest and effectively stopping a medic from destroying George Luz. “I’m gonna end him.” I growled, meeting his feigned expression of innocence with a sour glower. My knees almost buckled a little when Joe leaned down, breath hot against my ear, voice low. “Easy, tiger. We’ve got a way to go until kids. We’re only at the scissors stage.”  

[blossommarvelmuses]

“you want me to rub your back ’til you fall asleep?”

Bucky didn’t mean to cause trouble. -- But his ma just didn’t get it, she didn’t understand his relationship with Steve and she’s accused him time and time again of caring for the Rogers’ more than he cares his about his own family. That’s far from the truth, Bucky loves his family, he just doesn’t want to be a father. They’ve got a goddamn father, he just works all the damn time so when he is home he’s absent. He truly just can’t win, either he’s underfoot when he’s trying to help or he’s picking Sarah and Steve over his own family. Tonight isn’t an unusual night, Bucky gets home late -- knuckles cleaned but bruised, nose a little sore with a busted lip. He and Steve got into another fight with some group of rowdy boys who were bothering a few innocent girls. They stepped in and did what was right. Afterwards they both had shuffled home to Steve’s so they could clean each other up. With school in the morning and Bucky spending most of the weekend at Steve’s, Bucky had decided it would be best if he at least spent one night at home and help with breakfast in the morning.

He’s confronted with questions the moment he walks in through the front door. The two littlest Barnes’ greet Bucky with excitement in the pjs. He’s scolded when he sweeps them into a hug that he’s upset bedtime. Bucky hums at his mother, tells her that he’ll get him settled. She seems to like the idea enough for her to return the kitchen and finish ironing the kids’ school clothing. He scoops the two kids up, causing them both to giggle and Rebecca isn’t far behind to help Bucky wrangle the kids into bed. The two littlest siblings share a room, so its easy for Bucky and Rebecca to put on their own little play -- telling the kids some silly dramatic bed time stories with so much adventure that the story itself wears the kids out. They’re out like a light and Bucky’s pleased with their work. Tired feet drag on the floor as he shuts the door behind him only to be met with Rebecca pushing up on her toes to inspect Bucky’s bruising face. “Just a little tussle, you shoulda seen the other guys.” Before Rebecca can scold Buck -- it seems his mother heard his voice. She grabs his face roughly and inspects it. Then the lecture starts. She’s reminding him how scummy she thinks Steve and his mother are, how they do nothing but get Bucky into trouble and that Bucky’s turning into a menace of a child. “If I ain’t protecting Steve then nobody is.” He tells his mother, voice low. The grip on his jaw tightens a bit more as he’s reminded that his job is to be here for his family. “They are my family.” 

The noise rings loudly in the house, Bucky’s cheek stings with the strength of the hit. The boy stumbles backwards, and he stares wide eyed at his mother. She doesn’t seem all that remorseful for her actions, in fact she points her finger in his face telling him to watch his mouth if he wants to keep living under her roof. Rebecca stands motionless, it’s clear this is the first time their mother has ever raised a hand to her children but its apparent that it wasn’t her first time thinking about doing such a thing. His sister, the wonderful girl goes in to come to his aid but his mother’s arm reaches out to stop Rebecca. She tells her daughter to go to her room, that Bucky earned the punishment for talking back. In a moment, the hallway is empty, his sister scurried off and his mother back to the kitchen. He doesn’t think, he doesn’t care enough to think. He’s leaving for the night, he can’t be dammed to stay here. Bucky ducks into his room, locking the door behind him. He doesn’t care if his mother gets any angrier at him than she is now. Bucky at the Rogers’ home so often, he knows he doesn’t need to pack a bag. He’s left countless objects of clothing at their home, so all Bucky needs to do is climb out the window and he’s off to a place where he knows he’ll be taken care of. 

It’s far too late now in his mind to walk through the front door despite knowing where the key is. The last time he came in this late he almost go knocked out by a frying pan -- so instead he climbs up the fire escape, sliding Steve’s window open. He wonders idly if the boy leaves it unlocked just in case Bucky comes by and if he does he’s thankful for it in this moment. He slips into the room, landing on his feet heavily. The weight hadn’t hit him until he’s standing here in Steve’s room. His legs feel like lead and he doesn’t even feel like he can cross the short length of the room to get to Steve’s bed. Thankfully, the boy in question sits up slow and blinks at him blearily calling out his nickname into the dark. “’s me Stevie.” He tells the other, voice shaking much more than he’d like it to be. Even in his tired state, Steve seems to know that something is wrong. And god he needs that, he needs someone who knows him. The blonde shifts, there’s barely enough room for Steve on the small mattress but yet here he is still offering space to Bucky. 

That’s all that it takes for the floodgates to open. Bucky’s shoulders sag heavily, a hiccuped sob leaves his lips and it causes Steve to nearly stumbled out of bed to get to his side. He knows he can’t throw all of his weight into Steve’s arms like he wishes he could, but the warmth of Steve’s hand guiding him on the small of his back is enough in this moment to get him to stumble towards the other side of the room. Bucky all but collapses onto the bed, his forehead easily finding Steve’s shoulder as one of the smaller man’s hand comes to rest on the back of his neck while the other takes a few tries to flick on a lamp. “-- Told you it needs a new bulb.” He tells Steve, trying to force himself to tease. It falls flat in his ears and no doubt in Steve’s ears too. The other male asks him softly what happened, because it’s not often that Bucky is like this. He much prefers to be the one caring for Steve -- but when the tables are turned Steve’s filling in the caring roll more than perfectly. Steve’s gentle with him in his sensitive state, letting him take his time with explaining. 

“Ma and I got in a fight.” And he knows Steve is waiting for more information. Bucky hardly ever gets this upset when he and his mother fight, in fact he gets more upset when he and Steve have stupid fights usually. But right now the word sits heavy on his shoulders.. because no one gets it. No one gets how much he adores Steve and Sarah, carrying them both so close to his heart. The anger he feels when his own mother spits ignorant words about the two of them, brushing them off because they don’t have much money -- calling Sarah a bad mother because Steve’s so frail and skinny, calling Steve a bad influence for getting him in fights when everything Steve does is good and brave. No one gets how in love with Steve he is, how he’d give this boy the entire world if he asked because he deserves everything and more. “She kept sayin’ awful things about you and mama. -- Told me I treat you better than my own family. I said you were family...” He trails off then. His face still feels raw from where her bare hand hit so hard he’s sure a mark still sits on his cheek. “She hit me.” He says finally and he can feel Steve shift. Soon small hands move to cup Bucky’s face, they are far gentler than his own mother’s. His head is lifted up so that Steve can now inspect Bucky’s face. By the look on the other’s face he can tells that Steve sees the fading mark on his face, his brow furrowing in a way that’s angry for a moment before those big sad eyes are looking at him. “Don’t. -- I know that stupid look on your face. I don’t want to hear you say you aren’t worth is, ‘cause you are to me. Both of you..” The two sit in silence for a bit longer. Steve replaces the harsh touch with his own gentle one until the other seems satisfied that the mark has finally disappeared from Bucky’s face. 

“Can I stay in here with you?” He’s feeling fragile and vulnerable, while in the back of his mind he already knows the answer he still asks, he needs the reassurance that he’s wanted here. There is no hesitation in the other’s face when he nods, already moving to flick off the lamp while they get comfortable. Despite himself, Bucky is still trembling from the whole ordeal. “You want me to rub your back ’til you fall asleep?” Steve’s gentle voice asks. There is no mockery between the two of them, no poking fun that this is silly or childish. No instead there is nothing but understanding and the need for comfort. “Please.” The words are choked through another soft cry and Steve presses firmly up against his back as his hand meets the curve of his spine -- rubbing in easy slow circles. Steve’s voice is soothing as he tells Bucky that he’s safe here now and Bucky trusts him. 

He doesn’t fall asleep for awhile, his emotions ebb and flow but the entire time Steve soothes him. It’s really because of moments like these that Bucky doesn’t regret his words, not even a little bit. 

[ladyoutlier]

A Demon’s Demons

In which Aziraphale and Crowley go on a day holiday of their own.

[Read on AO3] | [Chapter 2]

Chapter 3: The Monster of the Lake

The aroma of eggs, sausage, and bacon the next morning awoke Crowley in a very confused state before all the pieces began to click back into place. A walk through the park. A literal Hell of a lot of pain. Spilling quite too much info in the heat of the moment. And Aziraphale by his side as he drifted off. Things were different today, weren’t they? Much different than yesterday or ten years ago or six thousand. Well, he’d have to face it all eventually. Might as well be now. He forced his eyes open.

Aziraphale sat on the same chair as the night before, facing Crowley with a plate on his lap. Upon seeing that the demon was awake, his face blushed pink and he turned back to his desk.

“Ah, good morning, Crowley. I wasn’t sure how long you would sleep for. You have a bit of a record for oversleeping.”

“Be a bit rude if I slept for a decade and made you sit in this room the whole time.”

“Well, I appreciate you considering the value of my time.” The angel took a bite of eggs. “Would you like some? I couldn’t leave obviously, so I miracled myself breakfast. Could do the same for you if you like.”

“Not hungry.”

“You never are.”

“You think of a plan last night? Cause my mind was elsewhere in dreamland.”

Aziraphale set his plate on the desk and turned back to Crowley. Half of his breakfast still remained on it. Never a good sign when the angel turned away from his meal. “I did a lot of thinking.”

“And?”

“You’re not going to like this.”

“Haven’t liked any of all this so far, so what else is new?”

“Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that all of your Hellish actions are done to, ah, spite God for putting you in the situation you are in.”

“So far so accurate.”

“But then your immoral acts make you feel as though you deserve to have Fallen which thus fuels your refusal to forgive yourself.”

The demon’s expression stiffened, hiding whether Aziraphale had said an accurate statement or not. “And how’s that a plan to fix this exactly?”

"Well, because Crowley, everything you've done has had a positive effect despite your best effort to do evil. Which means that you shouldn’t feel negatively about them."

"Really? I beg to differ."

"Go ahead,” The angel leaned back in his chair. “List off as many of your acts of evil as you want, and I'll point out the good in them."

"How 'bout the time I took down all of London's phone lines?"

"You kept people off their mobile phones while driving and caused others to visit loved ones in person that they otherwise would've just briefly spoke to in a conversation void of face-to-face connection."

"That's a bit of a stretch, don't you think?"

"Not at all. The irritation you caused people was heavily outweighed by the strengthening of relationships and averted vehicular accidents."

Crowley sat up on the couch and leaned back against it. So it was going to be like this, huh? A back and forth. Regarding his torments of mankind, his list was endless. He was ready to do this all day if Aziraphale allowed.

"Fine. I've caused so much trouble that you can have that one. French Revolution, guillotines."

"You said you had no involvement in that! The humans did all that on their own."

"Well, they did, but I took credit for it. That has to count for something."

"It certainly does not. You claiming ownership for that mess in your reports to Hell hardly influences human behavior."

"Ah, but there's no positive of me doing it. Stealing the credit is straight up wrong."

"Seriously now? I'm the one that's stretching things?"

The demon had said that one mostly just to rile Aziraphale up. It was a fun thing to poke at considering he had almost gotten himself discorporated during it because he had been a bit peckish. He knew that one wasn’t a win. It was just fun to say. But enough games. He needed a point in this competition.

"Loch Ness Monster."

"What?"

"I started the good ol' rumor of Nessie. Caused quite the panic. People too terrified to swim in the lake. Nothing even in there. The human mind's a great thing. Just torments itself if you let it."

There was no debating that one. Crowley was sure of it. Causing mass hysteria over a nonexistent monster. That was as evil as you get without going around murdering folks. And oh, the inaccuracies to those rumors. Quite damaging towards humanity’s perception of the natural world. A stain on a place that had once been wholesome.

"Loch Ness? You believe you've caused more harm than good with Loch Ness? As much as I dislike the spread of misinformation, I can't agree with that." Aziraphale stood up, straightened his coat, and took a few steps towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Crowley moved to the end of the couch. This wasn’t how the back and forth went. They’d go on for hours talking but never actually do anything about what they talked about. Today really was different.

"We are going to Scotland, so I can prove just how wrong you are."

“That’s rather impulsive, isn’t it?”

“Would you rather stay here all day?”

“Nah. Wanna go to Scotland. Let’s go to Scotland. Not like we got a major problem or anything like that to deal with,” Crowley replied with a very sarcastic shrug.

“This is solving the problem. If I prove you right, you’ll see what I mean. If I don’t, well, we’ll of had a nice day out.”

“Hope you don’t plan on driving there. Don’t feel like going through traffic for ten hours there and another ten back.”

“Not at all. I would just like to straighten up some things before we go.”

“Going to use miracles on traveling convenience, angel? See why you were being told off for frivolous usage.”

“This whole ordeal we have going on is more than enough reason for me to be using miracles, and even if that wasn’t the case, I can use as many miracles as I desire now that I’m not associated with Heaven.”

“Where was that logic when I was lying on the pavement yesterday?”

“I’d still prefer not to have witnesses, dear.” Aziraphale opened the backroom door. “Now, come on. Let me check the shop before we go.”

*

They appeared somewhere along the A82 near River Enrick when they arrived in Scotland. After straightening their clothes that were ruffled by the wind their displacement of the air during their teleportation had created, they found themselves in a rather desolate area, hidden from any onlookers. A short hike up a hill later and they found themselves at Loch Ness Centre & Exhibition. It was the standard tourist attraction, equipped with a hotel, a gift shop, and a supposingly educational building that delved into the complex history of the very made up monster.

Herds of families with energetic tots and moody teens scurried from building to building, desperate to get their money’s worth on this last minute, end of summer holiday. The children hugged plush Nessies and held colorful balloons. Some ran around amuck, seemingly unfazed by the possibility of parental wrath. Other mothers and fathers, with much better control over their offspring, walked either with their hands linked with their child’s or with the kid sat up on their shoulders.

A blue bus with the name Nessieland on the side was parked outside the visitor center, and many groups of tourists, especially those with young children, scurried from the gift shop onto it. There was giggling and excitable screams and the sound of suitcase wheels on pavement  and all the noises one would expect from a place like this that drowned out any sense of peace of mind. Simply, the place was more like that of Disneyland than the setting of a monster flick.

One father, chasing a rather rowdy kid, brushed past Aziraphale and Crowley as they approached. The man muttered a quick apology before continuing to run after his child. If anything was left of Crowley’s influence here, it was the pure chaotic energy of having so many people in such a small place.

“So, dear, where is the evil here?” Aziraphale asked, giving Crowley a side glance. “All I see is happy families making pleasant memories.”

“Look, you should’ve seen this place in the 30s.” Crowley stepped up onto the curb and looked back at the angel. “Monster hunters and distraught locals. Fear running rampant. Just ‘cause it’s not like that now doesn’t mean anything. Set the ball rolling for all this way back in the sixth century. Just because the past handful of decades have been pleasant doesn’t right all that.”

“Are you actually sure anyone was ever really terrified? There was never any real monster, so no one was ever in any real danger. Seems like people were attracted to the idea of it for the marvel more than anything else.”

They strolled down the sidewalk absentmindedly as they talked. A young boy tapped on the window of the hotel as they passed, waving to his mother inside. The ice cream cone he was licking dripped down the glass.

“You can’t just do this. Write off everything I’ve ever done no matter how evil and destructive to mankind it was.”

“Crowley, if you had ever done something pure evil, I would be the first one to point it out. In fact, if you were that heinously evil, our relationship probably would’ve ended the day it began.”

“I think,” Crowley began, brushing over that last part. “That you’re being completely delusional.”

“Me? Delusional?” Aziraphale scuffed. “I believe only Serganent Shadwell has said a more inaccurate description of me.”

“You are though. You’ve gone on and on. And I’ve played along. Listing small things here and there. But I was the one behind the whole apple thing, remember? Made all of them Fall just like me.” The demon waved out to the crowds of tourists around them.  “Isn’t that just horrible? Couldn’t go down alone, so I brought them all with me. You can’t say that’s a good thing.”

“The day we met in Eden I remember you asked me something.” Aziraphale stopped walking and looked to Crowley. “What if I did the right thing with the whole ‘eat the apple’ business? Well, it’s taken me some time to come to the answer to that question, and I do think you did the right thing by it.”

“Right thing? Even if it was the right thing, that doesn’t make it a good one.”

“It does. It really does. Can’t you see the beauty behind it? The curiosity? The awe? Don’t you remember dear Warlock’s face that first night he looked through a telescope? How purely innocent and heartwarming his expression was? Humanity’s Fall was hardly as painful as yours. They fell onto a pillow if anything. Knowledge has been nothing but a gift for them.” The angel smiled as he let out a small huff of a laugh. “You’ve spent the past six thousand years trying to do evil in the most good way possible. How does that not show the nature of your character?”

Crowley did the living being equivalent of a computer blue screening after some program or another got caught in an infinite loop of not responding. The spinning cursor of death was practically visible in the lens of his sunglasses. He stood frozen, mouth agape with a word on the tip of his tongue. This whole direct method Aziraphale was trying was much too world shattering. They were wired to work indirectly. That’s how it had been for the past six millennia. This new angle the angel was taking was really messing with his demonic identity.

As he whirled back to life and his brain conducted a manual restart, Crowley merely turned around and hastily entered the gift shop they had stopped in front of without giving Aziraphale a reply. Of course, they had to stay near each other. That was the whole condition this Sins problem presented. And perhaps Crowley should have considered this, but that program hadn’t rebooted yet. Still, the demon didn’t seize up in pain as he entered the shop because Aziraphale had the sense to follow him in.

“Want a shirt?” Crowley asked once inside. “Or how about a mug? I know you like mugs.”

He was trying to change the subject, and Aziraphale decided he was going to let him. He had put the thought in Crowley’s head. That was good enough for now. They were hardly on a time restraint after all, and he really didn’t want to make Crowley miserable.

“Perhaps, if they have something with a bit more charm to it.” He lifted up a cup from a shelf, raised his nose to it, and set it back down. “I really can’t imagine anything with the text I love Nessie sitting around the bookshop.”

“Ah, that limits your selection by a whole lot. Maybe a postcard then.”

They wandered about the store for a bit, slipping past other customers and picking up the odd item here and there. Crowley, with a dubious smile, held a stuffed Nessie and waved its little flipper at Aziraphale before tucking the thing back where he found it. Perhaps the plush winked at the angel as he passed, or it could’ve simply been a trick of the light.

They slid past another family with a fair share of munchkins as they circled around to the other side of the store. The gift shop simply was too small for the amount of people trying to cram themselves into it, and it was making the place a tad on the uncomfortable side. Or maybe it just felt that way to two celestial beings that valued their personal space.

In the end, Aziraphale settled on a book detailing the history of the Loch Ness Monster rumor. It wasn’t a book he would normally get, and he could simply ask Crowley to tell him the history since he had been the one behind it, but hearing it from a human perspective had its own appeal. And maybe Crowley’s involvement is what inclined the purchase. It would paint the whole book in a new light. Not that he handled the purchase. For some reason, when they were together, the demon always ended up paying for things.

“Would you look at that,” Crowley said, gesturing to a flier as the cashier finalized the payment. “Place offers private cruises. Think they might have one mysteriously open for today? Because for some odd reason, I do.”

“If there is one available,” Aziraphale began with a stern glare. “I’d hope it’s not because whoever previously booked it suddenly found themselves in some trouble.”

“Nah, they probably just discovered a winning lotto ticket amongst their things.”

“And you still have the nerve to refute your inner good.”

“Greed is a sin, angel.”

Crowley took back his card and Aziraphale his book, and the two of them left the store, leaving behind a rather confused cashier who really didn’t understand anything of the conversation he had just heard.

An hour later, Loch Ness was more mythical than it had ever been with an angel and a demon enjoying a boat ride on its open waters. What had been a spontaneous visit to prove a point had turned into a full on enjoyable day out. The lake was calm, with the boat causing deeper ripples in the supposedly monster-infested waters than those naturally there. The occasional sailboat dotted the surface around them, and the steep Scottish hills surrounding the lake provided a healthy green to the landscape. Really, it was absolutely peaceful.

Aziraphale and Crowley sat on the upper deck of the boat as it slowly drifted about, the hum of the motor hardly noticeable. Urquhart Castle passed by on the starboard side. A few tourists visiting the historical site waved to them as they passed. Aziraphale, of course, happily waved back. Crowley, well, couldn’t be bothered.

“We should get out more often,” the demon said, stretching out in the sun. “As enjoyable as walking the same paths in St. James Park can be, I like being reminded of the rest of the world.”

“I have been rather settled in London for a long time,” Aziraphale agreed. “Have you put any thought into what I said earlier, dear?”

“Oh, I’ve thought about it, and I’m still not all that fond of it.”

“Why? Why would you having done good over all these years be a bad thing? You don’t have to be evil on Hell’s behalf any longer.”

“Yeah, and you don’t have to be good on Heaven’s either, but that doesn’t stop you from lending a helping hand where you can.”

“I try to spread good into the world because it is what I enjoy doing.”

“And you don’t think I enjoy being evil?”

“No, I don’t. I think you enjoy being mischievous which is entirely different. It can still be devious, but typically those affected are only inconvenienced and perhaps even helped by the end of it.” Aziraphale smiled.

“Oh, give me the strength to not jump off this boat right now. Please, I beg you.”

“I highly advise you to not do that. With your dependence on me, you might just end up drowning yourself.”

“Could’ve just said I’d ruin my clothes. Would’ve had the same effect.”

“Well, there is that too.” The angel furrowed his brows. “I don’t completely understand why you’re fighting me on this. Isn’t it easier to forgive yourself for Falling if you know you have hardly caused turmoil here on Earth?”

“No, it’s not at all easier. If everything I’ve done has been all happy-go-lucky goodness, then all that does is hammer the nail in deeper that I shouldn’t have Fallen in the first place.” Crowley leaned away from Aziraphale. “Which really pisses me off.”

“Perhaps those are emotions you should be feeling. Ones that you need to face instead of continue to ignore.”

“You telling me it’s okay to be pissed at God?”

“I—well—um—given the circumstances, I think She would understand. You’d hardly be the first to have taken that tone with the Almighty.”

“I beg to differ on that.”

“What I mean is that many people blame God for hardships, and She forgives them for it. She forgives all that ask.”

“Really now?”

“Has any other demon asked to be forgiven besides you?”

“How would I know that?”

“Given the actions of your ex-coworkers, I think not. And I’ve already said, I think what holds you back is your own forgiveness, Crowley. The Almighty forgave you the moment you asked.”

Crowley sneered and looked out to the water. The boat continued on, steered by the oblivious captain below them. The remains of  Urquhart Castle shrank in the distance. Aziraphale took a deep breath and straightened up.

“I only say these things because I care about you, dear,” he began. “But I understand if this is something too difficult to face. It’s like unmasking an unhealed wound, and I’m sure even just discussing it with me has been causing you distress. If you really want me to stop pushing you on this I will.”

“What?” Crowley looked back to him. “And have me stuck at your side for every waking moment for eternity? Is that the plan?”

“There are far worse people to be around. If I had to pick someone to be joined at the hip with, I would certainly choose you anyway. I don’t much like acting like an instigator. Pushing and prodding you to do something you don’t want to. I think I’ve done enough of it lately.”

“So that’s just it then? We just always stick together?”

“Until you wish to try something else. I’ll let you take lead on this. However you want to handle this Sins problem will be how we handle it.”

“Look, I’m not against this whole talking thing. Let’s just take it a bit easier. At this point, I’ve spent more time playing the part of the hellspawn demon than that of the holy angel.”

“Of course. I understand. But you are willing to make an effort then?”

“Yeah. Just ‘cause you want me to.”

The boat began to turn course back around. They had gone out as far as the trip allowed and soon enough would return back to the port where all the other cruise boats were docked. There had been progress made today, even if it was minor. Still, progress was progress. There was no rush. They had all the time in the world. Although a visitor that was waiting for them at the dock certainly didn’t feel that way.

[Chapter 4 Coming Soon!]