#they were really good friends i wish we hadn't lost touch

[fxckinemo]

I miss my friends from highschool in oklahoma :(

[erwinsvow]

hii shea idk if someone has already made this type of request if that's the case please ignore me but i can't stop thinking about shy!reader absolutely cock drunk asking for the first time rafe to fuck her raw and the question caught him so off guard that he felt feral and dizzy, his composure slipping away just wanting to please his sweet girl<3

hi baby omg no i don't have any reqs like this here it is hope i did it justice <33

rafe was teasing you today.

after more than an hour of back and forth at whatever party you two had gone to for the evening—and only because rafe wanted to sell and your friends had already promised they'd be there—you were more than ready to go home.

except rafe hadn't taken you home yet. instead you'd been all around the house—on rafe's lap in the living room to start. leaning in to your boyfriend's ear, you know he can tell how desperate you're getting.

you don't do well with denial anymore—rafe had spoiled you too much for that.

"can't we go now?" the words are whispered to rafe, and you rest your head on his shoulder, blinking up at him while you wait for a response. one of his hands leaves the armstand of the sofa and grips your exposed thigh, skirt riding up a little too much.

"it's early. hold out a little longer. can you do that for me?"

you think your eyes are going to roll all the way back. the answer is yes, of course, you can do that for him. you would do anything for him. you just don't want.

following that, you accompanied rafe to the other side of the house where a whole swarm of people were chasing their next high. though you should really stand next to him, you just can't find it in you today, instead staying his back, peering out every now and then like shy children do.

it's all worth it, because moments later rafe takes you upstairs, murmuring something about how you're being a good girl for holding out. there's an empty bedroom that you think is the perfect place to spend the next hour.

rafe's talking to you—though you're so deliriously horny you can't really hear him. you nod and stare up, agreeing to whatever your boyfriend wants to do, just wishing he would hurry up and do something already, when the door opens.

you're not naked, though if they had barged in a few minutes later, you might have been. and normally you think your face would be burning, that you might die of embarrassment at someone catching you like this.

instead you're just mad.

it's the owner of the house—which makes sense, since your boyfriend has brought you up to the master. he's got a girl of his own on his arm, and you grind your teeth getting up with rafe, furious and impatient now.

"at least knock next time!" you yell when you shuffle through, ignoring splutters of it's my house!

you think rafe is going to ask you what you want to do next—but he doesn't. your boyfriend, like always, knows what you need before you can even know it sometimes. you follow rafe back to his truck, ready for, at the very least, some peace and quiet.

when you finally get up to rafe's room, the buzz of the party is wearing off a bit. your feet hurt from your heels and you can't believe you yelled at someone. lost in your own thoughts, you don't even process rafe sitting down next to you, until he takes your feet into his lap, undoing the strap of your shoes for you.

it's instant—one touch from him is enough to set your skin on fire.

"oh," you say, at the sudden realization you might finally be getting what you want. you stare at where rafe is holding your ankle in place, shoes on the ground now. "thank you."

"s'nothing, kid. get on the bed." eagerly, you comply.

in the vain hope that rafe was as impatient as you are—you thought he would just fuck you already. but it seems not, with the slow way he kisses up and down your neck, down to your tits and your stomach.

you find it a lot easier to ask him for things now—a new dress, dessert, money for your nails—but it seems impossible to ask him for this, so you opt for enjoying it and staying silent.

but even then—rafe always knows when something is wrong. you're practically vibrating from anticipation—you had wanted your boyfriend to fuck you hours ago on that stupid couch from that stupid house. it seems your body was only now realize how long you'd been clenching your thighs, biting your cheek and ignoring the tense knot in your stomach.

a few touches from rafe was enough to have you practically melting—staring up and still not saying anything.

"y'okay, kid?" he asks, and you really don't know how to answer. "s'okay. you're getting what you want."

you can do this. you're patient—you've always been patient.

"can you-please, just-" alright, maybe not. "can you please just fuck me raw, please, please, just fuck me-"

of course, rafe's not stupid. he could tell you've been on edge all night, he just hadn't known why. he stares down at you, all flushed, hot skin and heavy breaths, looking up at him. he knows whatever reaction he gives you will stay on your mind, and though he can try as hard as he wants, you are impossible to say no to.

"jesus. s'that really what you want?" you nod eagerly. "can't regret this later, baby. once we do that, it's-it's serious. what if i knock you up, huh?"

rafe watches you take in the words, facing twisting in understand.

"please knock me up."

[lemon-boy-stan]

Hi! May I request a scenario of Childe and his s/o the morning after their first time?

Hi anon, of course you can! I've turned it into a reaction featuring multiple characters because this is really sweet

The morning after your first time with the Genshin Men

Summary: waking up next to your boyfriend after the first time you have sex together. Genre: fluff. Warnings: mentions of sex, nudity (m and f), mention of losing virginity, mature themes. Featuring: Childe, Diluc, Kaeya, Zhongli, Wriothesley

CHILDE

The sun shone through the window, the light waking you up. Childe grunted softly, "don't leave, comrade." You smiled softly, body still sore from last night. "I'm not going anywhere, Ajax." Tartaglia kissed your neck softly, pulling you close to him. "You should have told me you were a virgin," he said softly. You buried your head into his bare chest, "to have you go easy on me?"

Childe grinned, "to be fair, you can't win all the battles, my love." You smiled and rolled your eyes, "you wanna test that out, Mr. Harbinger?" Tartaglia chuckled loudly, "hm. What are you gonna say when I tell your friends you got ABSOLUTELY RAILED by the eleventh Fatui Harbinger?" You smacked him on his back, "I'd say he totally took advantage of an inexperienced girl. Then, Master Diluc has another reason to beat you up." And Childe gasped, placing his hand on his chest, "you would never!"

DILUC

It was a warm morning in Mondstadt. Diluc's hair was much longer than yours, and flowed under your body. It was ticklish behind the back of your bare neck. He moaned softly, eyes opening slowly. "M-morning,' he yawned, looking at you with his beautiful red, tired eyes. You giggled softly, "good morning, Master Diluc."

Diluc blushed, his cheeks were almost as red as his hair. "Good morning," he smiled, kissing your lips. "Will you marry me?" He murmured. Your jaw dropped open and you let out a loud laugh, "surely it was wasn't that good! It was my first time, after all." He grinned, kissing you again, "yes it was, but I also just want to wake up next to you every day." Before pulling you close for another kiss, bringing the blanket over the two of you.

KAEYA

"Hey, beautiful," Kaeya's raspy voice filled your ears, "did you sleep well?" You rolled over to face him, he had been spooning you before. You blushed, "very well, Sir Kaeya." He chuckled, tracing lines across your body, making you shiver, the touch both foreign and familiar. "Come on, honey, we're way past the formalities, aren't we? Or shall I still call you Traveller, hmm?"

You shook your head and he grinned, "I remember when we first met in Jean's office. You were so lost, and yet you still kept looking at me with an amazed face, like you were checking me out. From that moment on, I already knew I liked you. Thank the Archons that you came to me asking to teach you to swordfight properly, huh? Who knows if we would even interact privately if it weren't for that," he brushed away a loose strand of your hair. You shoved your head into his neck, "Archons! Don't remind me! I was so innocent and desperate back then!" Making Kaeya laugh loudly, kissing you and shaking his head. "My, my, look at you. Not so innocent anymore, hmm?"

ZHONGLI

Zhongli did not sleep that night. After you had sex and drifted off to sleep, he was still processing everything. He had never had sex before, and he could smell that you hadn't either. There was a certain purity in your scent that he did not smell in others. For some reason, even after mating with you for the first time, it was still there. The whole night, as you lay next to him, breathing puffy little breaths, he watched you sleep, promising himself that he would protect you until the end of time.

You were the only kind of treasure he ever truly loved.

Zhongli pretended to sleep as soon as he sensed you waking. There were still many secrets he had hidden from you, and he wished not to scare you away. Zhongli had always seen sex as something necessary, even though he had never had sex before. He always smelled lust on other humans, but with you, he'd only ever smelt purity, and now he knew sex was so much more. Your eyes fluttered open and you turned to him, "good morning," whispering the words. Zhongli smiled, "good morning, my Qingxing. Would you care for a cup of tea?"

WRIOTHESLEY

Wriothesley's voice was deep and husky, the sound waking you up. The bed was so warm, you didn't want to get up. Wriothesley smiled, blue eyes shining. "Good morning, beautiful. How do you feel?" You giggled softly, "so good, Mr. Duke," making him grin, rolling his eyes. "I had a really good time last night," you breathed softly. Wriothesley blushed, "I had a really good time last night too, my love."

You giggled again, looking into his eyes. "I'd marry you right now," he murmured, "if you'd let me," you blushed, "I'd marry you right now, too, Your Grace, but if I'm not correctly mistaken, I do believe that's the Chief Justice banging at your door." Wriothesley sighed, pulling you close and kissing him. "Stay for the week?" He murmured. You smiled, kissing him back, "I think I'll be staying for a while, Your Grace."

The pounding on the door got louder. "WRIOTHESLEY!" Yelled the Chief Justice, "I KNOW YOU'RE WITH THE TRAVELLER! OPEN UP NOW OR I SHALL SENTENCE YOU!" there was another loud bang, and a high-pitched voice shrieked outside the door, "PAIMON KNOWS YOU'RE IN THERE, YN!!! THE WHOLE FORTRESS COULD HEAR YOU!!!"

GENSHIN IMPACT MASTERLIST

NAVIGATION

The other requests are on their way!!! Hope you like this, anon!

[dyns33]

Flufftober 2024- 13 Jack Russell

Secong long story of the Fufftober 2024 ! I really wanted to write about Jack Russell and it was the occassion. I hope we will see more of him soon in a Marvel project.

It had made Y/N smile when Jack had introduced himself.

First, because it wasn't common for someone to be named after a breed of dog. She hadn't dared to ask him if it was a coincidence or if his parents had done it on purpose.

Then, she had found it adorable that he looked a bit like a puppy, with his big eyes and his kind look. Really kind.

They had met while she was walking in a forest. The week had been long, the people were unbearable and Y/N had felt the need to be alone to breathe, far from everything.

Her wish had been granted, to the point that she had ended up getting lost, unable to find the path, in the middle of these immense trees that blocked the network.

Panicked, she had first called for help, before telling herself that it might not be a good idea. There could be wild animals or people with bad intentions.

With caution, but with a quick step to not be surprised by the night, she had tried to find her car.

Y/N was sure she was alone, and yet, in a second, a man appeared between two trees as she unknowingly went deeper into the forest, staring at her.

Her scream seemed to surprise him. Yet it seemed to be the appropriate reaction in this kind of situation.

In response, he raised his arms to try to show her that he was not going to hurt her, staying in his place, not wanting to scare her more.

"Sorry, I smelt…" he stammered with a slight accent. "I mean, I heard someone who seemed lost. Are you lost ?"

"… Yes, a little. But my friends know I'm here. They're waiting for me."

"I'm sure. Do you need directions ? I can accompany you, it will be safer, but I understand if you don't want to. Sorry."

"I… It's okay, you didn't do it on purpose. I would like a guide, that would be nice."

"Follow me !" he said cheerfully, showing a radiant smile.

He laughed when she asked him if he was a ranger, because he seemed to know perfectly well where they were going. His answer was only to say that he was used to coming here. They arrived on the trail very quickly.

Afraid of getting lost again, Y/N asked him if he would mind staying with her again until she was in her car.

Jack seemed a little uncomfortable, but as a gentleman, he couldn't refuse.

During the rest of the ride, they chatted, talking a bit about their lives, their passions, and Y/N quickly found him charming.

So charming that she asked him for his phone number as they arrived at the parking lot. It wasn't often that she met men like him, and even if it was just to be friends, she wanted to see him again.

Maybe because he was really too nice, Jack took out his phone, an old phone, snickering at the face she made.

"They're more reliable, harder to break." he explained with a slightly embarrassed look. "I… I break a lot of things, when I don't lose them."

"I understand. It's retro, I like it."

Everything about Jack Russell was quite retro. His clothes, his way of speaking, his mannerisms, his character. He seemed to come from another time. or a fairy tale.

Almost too good to be true. It had to be hiding something.

At first, Y/N wondered if he had someone else. She had subtly asked him during their second exchange to know right away if she should kill her hopes and with all his sweetness and tender smile, he had answered that he was alone.

"I'm not very good at relationships. I have a busy schedule, and there's a part of me that's a bit… annoying."

"Annoying ?" wondered Y/N, who had only found him funny and touching since they met.

"It's complicated to explain. Let's say that I can be unsociable, rude and grumpy at certain times of the month."

"Oh. I know that."

"Haha, I hope not."

It was because of this dark side that Jack had hesitated before accepting a date. When she asked him if it was because he wasn't interested, he stammered that he really liked her.

He was afraid of not being up to it, of hurting her, even if he didn't want to at all. He had often hurt those close to him in the past and he preferred to be alone rather than take the risk of doing it again.

Unable to believe that a man like him could represent the slightest danger, Y/N joked by asking if his mysterious wild side couldn't make an exception for her, or if he couldn't stand her.

"Actually, I have a feeling he likes you. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. You smell really good, it's hard sometimes."

"What a charmer."

"No, I mean… Well, I do mean it. Sorry, I don't know when to keep quiet."

No more words came out of his open mouth after she kissed him on the cheek, finding him really too cute to resist. With wide eyes, Jack looked at her as if she were unreal, before making a sound, like a hoarse purr.

He quickly excused himself, saying that he had an emergency, leaving her in front of her place. Sighing, Y/N went back inside, noting before closing the door that the moon was almost full.

With no news for three days, she wondered if she had scared him away. It wasn't fair, for once she found a good man, he had problems committing to a relationship. Or maybe he was indeed hiding something.

These problems became the least of her worries when she got out of the shower, wrapped in her dressing gown, to find a creature in her living room.

Huge, breathing hard, the thing looked like an animal, with its long hair and teeth, its yellow eyes fixed on her.

Her instinct screamed 'danger', but Y/N remained frozen in the hallway, totally scared. She was alone, she had no weapon, her phone was charging quietly in the room, and even if she screamed, it might be too late when someone came to help.

She prayed that it would be like with the dinosaurs, that it would only pick up movements, or that it would be like King Kong, not so mean to girls.

But when it let out a ferocious, bestial, infernal roar, Y/N thought that it would be too good if it wasn't there to hurt her.

Strangely, even though it was obvious that he could see her very well from the beginning, he only started running when she rushed towards the bathroom, the only room in the apartment that locked.

To try to shore it up, she pushed a piece of furniture in front of it, but the wood didn't really seem able to stop the beast, which was clawing and hitting, even making the walls shake. A piece shattered, allowing the thing to put it arm through to try to catch her.

In the shower, Y/N had curled up, her head between her legs, crying all the tears in her body. It was strange when she could only hear her sobs.

Slowly, she dared to look towards the door, which despite its deplorable state was still closed. Through the hole, she first saw the wall of the hallway, before a yellow eye appeared, making her tremble again.

The creature growled again, a growl that seemed frustrated, then it let out squeaks, like a wounded dog. It might have been trying to coax her into opening, but that was absurd. Unless it was sadistic, it could have perfectly finished destroying the door.

Y/N jumped when the beast disappeared, as if it were being violently pulled towards the entrance. There were sounds like a fight, and for a moment an octopus head with red eyes looked through the hole. Seeing her, it seemed to try to communicate with growls, then simply giving her a thumbs up before leaving.

No doubt she passed out after that.

The next day, when she woke up in her bed, Y/N thought at first that she had dreamed all ot it. A strange dream, a nightmare. But when she got up, she first noticed that she was still in her dressing gown. Then, as she left the room, she came across the bathroom door, almost completely destroyed.

And finally, something that made no sense with the rest, Jack Russell, looking sorry, waiting for her in the kitchen, with breakfast.

"… Excuse me. Let me explain, would you sit down, please ? Then you can scream, curse me, whatever you want."

"What's going on ?" she asked, keeping her distance.

"Hmm. You should really sit down."

So, to put it very simply, Jack was a werewolf.

That was his secret, his "dark side". A curse that had affected all the males in his family for generations. Impossible to cure, impossible to control too.

He hadn't lied when he said that the wolf liked her. Too much. That was how he had smelt Y/N the first time, lost in the woods, feeling an uncontrollable urge to go in her direction.

Understanding right away that the monster in him could become dangerous for her, that was why he had been hesitant to agree to hang out with her. He liked her a lot too, he didn't want anything bad to happen to her.

It would have been in vain anyway, because despite all his precautions, the wolf had broken his chains on the night of the full moon, determined to find his mate.

"Yeah… He thinks you're his mate… I can't explain to him that it's impossible since you're not a wolf, he won't listen. He senses that I want you too anyway. Sorry, really. Ted ran here as fast as he could, but he's not that fast. I'll pay for the door."

"… I have several questions."

"I understand, amor. Listen, I really didn't want this to happen. I can leave, if you want. Far, far away, he won't be able to come back, you won't risk anything. I really don't want anything bad to happen to you."

"Who is Ted ?"

"Oh. A friend. He caught my wolf yesterday to force him to leave."

"The octopus ?"

"Hmm, he's been called much worse, let's just say yes, it's him."

"You said mate ? I'm your mate ?"

"My animal side thinks you are. You smell divine, you have no idea what that does to me. And you are so sweet, so beautiful, so brave. Many people would have reacted less well than you yesterday, you were very cool-headed."

"He didn't want to hurt me."

Obviously, Jack was skeptical. The werewolves were out of control, attacking everyone without exception, except the members of the pack. Y/N was not from the pack, she was not a wolf, she did not have his scent on her.

But hearing her cry, smelling her fear, the wolf had stopped. She was sure of it, she had seen the regret in his eyes. His squeaks were to apologize. He was just very excited to see her, he had not thought.

"Yeah, well, it was still really rude to break in, stalk you, and destroy your door." Jack sighed, and she noticed for the first time that he looked exhausted. "I won't let him do it again."

"You didn't sleep all night."

"Technically, no. It's always hard the next day. Need sleep, coffee… But I had to come, to make sure you were okay, to apologize, to explain. I didn't dare put you in your pajamas. It was a matter of respect."

Y/N stared at him, remembering why she had loved him so much. He really was the nicest man in the world, too good to be true. But he was real, only with a few supernatural sides.

"I know we had a date tonight, but if you're tired, can we move it to tomorrow ?"

"… Huh ? Amor, did you hit your head yesterday ? Because I can take you to the hospital if you hurt your head, you…"

Y/N kissed him on the cheek, knowing that it was enough to shut him up, before taking the coffee and croissants he had brought to go and enjoy them in her bed.

She waited ten minutes, before getting up to go and get him, still petrified in the kitchen, taking him by the hand so that he would follow her to the bedroom, where she placed him next to her.

It took a little more time for Jack to relax, eventually falling asleep against her, purring.

[vulpixisananimal]

Loop Number 3

(You look awful.)

(No, really, you look absolutely terrible. You're in the bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror. Baggy eye, hair's a mess, You somehow look even paler than normal.)

(You were forced back to front suddenly. You were around that morning chatting with Isa and the others, things got blurry after that. You do remember some things, but not really remember, more just know. You know that you and Odile went to the library again, found some things on wishes, Bonnie ran to them... And then... Then... Then you woke up again!)

(You looped again.)

(Would this make it loop three then? Tee-hee~)

(... Eugh...)

(Either way, looping back a second time had drained you a lot. You had to run to the bathroom to throw up, probably woke everyone up in the process.)

(Oh Stardust where aaaare youuuuu~)

"You alright, Sif?"

(It was Isabeau, that wonderful Defender. Maybe you could have hid your condition if you hadn't been so loud, but no chance about it now. They've all been much more perceptive of you.)

"Never better, Isa!" (You said, your words dripping with sarcasm. You hoped for a chuckle. He didn't.)

"Well, if you need a hand or, or if I need to get you anything, just let me know okay?"

(You breathe in, and out.)

(Eugh...)

(After gathering yourself, you leave the bathroom. Isa was waiting by the door, instantly springing into Isabeau-like action.)

"Sif! Are you sure you're alright?" (He leaned down to your level. You could hear a sizzling from distant cooking. The others were deffinatly up already.) "I was about to get out of bed and I heard you, uh-"

"I'm fine Isabeau" (You said with a smile.) "I'm just a little... I just had a nightmare is all!"

(Stars, you were trying to think of a pun! And you couldn't! Oh you were loosing your touch alright, and now Isabeau was looking at you even MORE concerned.)

"... If you want to talk about it we can."

"Nope!" (You say, almost on instinct.) "Just some loopy stuff, not that bad, I'll meet you for breakfast!"

(Smooth, Loop. You really made him feel reassured. You waved and walked away back to your room to get properly dressed. It took a minute, but you got your old outfit together, hat included. Isabeau was able to make you a replacement after Siffrin lost yours. Not that Siffrin wore it much these days, but you still liked it. It was more yours than his now.)

(You met up with your party for breakfast. Quesadillas, same as last loop. They were pretty good. Good morning, How are you feeling Siffrin, oh I'm feeling great, what's for breakfast? Etc. you could feel yourself zoning out already.)

"You sure you're alright?" (Nille asked, handing you a plate and taking a seat. Alright, maybe things were a bit different this loop) "Can't go investigating when your sick."

"Oh it's nothing." (You say with a smile. Please be convincing.)

"That's not very convincing, Siffrin." (Odile was glaring you from behind her book.)

(You wince, you were out of practice.) "is it convincing enough to eat breakfast first?"

(Nille chuckled at that, Odile huffed. Isabeau chuckled too, but his heart wasn't in it.)

(Ouch...)

(You take a bite out of your quesadilla. Nice and cheesy, as tasty as last time)

(Why ARE we keeping it a secret anyway?)

(Oh good morning to you too stardust~)

(Hey Loop. What happened to us? I only have bits and pieces.)

(Oh quite a bit, but our dear third friend isn't sharing some of the details, tee hee~)

(In the time it took for you to take a bite of your breakfast to putting it back on the plate, you had already told Siffrin as much as you knew happened at the library. One of the advantages of sharing a head, information doesn't need to travel far.)

(So, should we keep this a secret?)

(That's your choice, stardust~)

(... You breath in, and out.)

"Ok! I can talk about it now." (You say with a smile.)

"After one bite?"

"It was a very good bite, tee hee~"

(Another look from Odile. You don't go tee hee, remember? A few moments later, Bonnie came through and sat down as well, having finished whatever was being done in the kitchen, Mirabelle joined soon after. They were all looking at you.)

(How do we do this...)

(We could be a bit cheeky about it.)

(Cheeky?)

(Cheeky. You lean back, trying to look as relaxed as possible.) "We shouldn't bother with the library, it wasn't very useful~"

(Their looks changed from concern to confusion, and very quickly to realization.)

"You looped again!?!?" (Mirabelle exclaimed.)

"Maybe."

"What happened?! Are you hurt? Did you get attacked?!? Or maybe-"

(You reach over and put a finger over Isabeau panicking mouth.) "I'll get to that, Beau~"

"Slip on a fruit peel again?" (Bonny said, smugly. You shouldn't have told them that part. You roll your eyes.)

"I'll look for one of those next time." (You paused for the chorus of "No!!!" From your party before continuing.) "Well, if you must know this is the second time we've done today. Me and Odile went to the library, and you four to the defenders."

(You tried to keep your smile going.) "We didn't find much, and something happened at the defenders, because Bonnie came running to us."

"... And..?" (Odile prompted you to continue.)

(We're, doing better at this and I expected.)

(Oh Stardust please, I'm sick to my stomach right now.)

"... Mirabelle was being framed for trying to kidnap Bonnie. Stars knows why."

"!?!?!?"

"I- I wouldn't do that!!! Why would they-"

"THAT'S CRABBING STUPID!!!"

"Language!"

"There must have been some kind of mistake!"

(You nod) "that's why we're all going there together today."

"Are you sure that's smart?" (Nille looked doubtful.) "If it goes bad then we'll all be in one place to get caught. Or.."

"Then I'll just loop back again, simple!"

(That didn't seem to relax Nille as much as you thought.)

(. . . She'll be fine.)

"As long as you know you can loop back." (Odile commented.) "That might also be why you've been so sick these past two days."

"Oh! That's right!! The Head Housemaiden did say using a lot of crafts can make you sick." (Mirabelle was thinking.) "And if time craft is supposed to be impossible it could be really draining you!"

"Not like I should be able to use it still anyways." (You say, slightly dejected. You were supposed to be DONE with the Universes silly little game.)

"But you can like, control now, right?" (Bonnie chimed in, curious.) "I mean not like forever school, now its like, like being able to take a big test again, but you don't need to keep doing it!"

(You all chuckle at that.) "Yeah, I guess it's like that."

(Even though you shouldn't have any more tests left.)

[cheynovak]

Texas sky – part 8 final

Summary: Y/N, a former cast member of Supernatural, had left Texas for LA several years ago, citing career reasons but also escaping unresolved personal issues. During a reunion party in Austin, she reconnects with Jensen Ackles, who is still married to Danneel but also struggling with his own difficulties.  He confronts Y/N about her sudden departure and their past, hoping things might turn out differently this time.  

Warnings: Hurt, friend to lovers, old love rediscovering, marriage problems, cheating, anger, fluff, ...  

English is not my first language   

*This story is my own original story, please do not copy my work, reblog/comments/likes are appreciated* 

The tension in the air was thick as we neared the court date. Every conversation felt weighted, every look from Jensen carried a burden I wished I could take from him. I knew how much this was eating him up inside. The divorce hadn't been finalized yet, and Danneel wasn’t letting go quietly. She’d made it her mission to drag him through the mud, and the constant fear of losing his kids consumed him.

Our relationship hadn’t been easy lately. The stress from everything going on had taken its toll, leading to ugly fights that neither of us wanted. Some nights, after a particularly bad argument, Jensen would leave—disappearing into the night to sleep in a hotel room. Those nights were the worst. I’d lie awake, replaying every harsh word we exchanged, crying into the silence until he came back in the morning.

When he returned, he’d always be so apologetic, his eyes heavy with guilt. And I’d apologize too, because I hated fighting with him. We’d promise each other that it wouldn’t happen again, but deep down, we both knew the pressure of everything was pushing us to the edge.

Now, with the court date looming at the end of the week, Jensen was on edge like never before. He paced around the house, lost in his thoughts. Danneel had been throwing everything she could at him, and I could see the toll it was taking. He was too kind, too decent to stoop to the same level. He wouldn’t play dirty, even though she did. I admired his integrity, but I feared it might not be enough in a courtroom where emotion often swayed the outcome more than fairness did.

One evening, as we sat together on the couch, the weight of it all pressing down on us, I reached over and grabbed his hand. He looked at me, his green eyes clouded with worry.

“I’m scared, Y/N,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “She’s threatening to take the kids… I don’t know what I’d do if that happens.”

I squeezed his hand tighter, wishing I had the perfect words to comfort him. “Jay, you’re a good father. Anyone who sees you with your kids knows that. You have to trust that the court will see it too.”

He shook his head, his jaw tight. “She’s relentless. She’ll do anything to make me look bad. I don’t know how to fight her without becoming someone I don’t want to be.”

“You don’t have to become like her,” I said softly. “You just have to show the court who you really are. The man who loves his kids more than anything. The man who’s always there for them, no matter what.”

Jensen sighed, leaning back into the couch. “I just want this to be over. I want to be with you, without all this hanging over us.”

I nodded, understanding his exhaustion. I felt it too. The constant strain had tested us in ways I never anticipated. But through all the fights, all the late nights spent crying, I knew one thing for certain: I loved him, and I wasn’t going anywhere.

“We’ll get through this,” I said, leaning into him, resting my head on his shoulder. “One step at a time, okay? You’re not alone in this.”

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered, his voice barely audible, heavy with emotion. I looked up at him, my heart aching at the vulnerability etched into his features. I leaned in, pressing my lips to his in a soft, slow kiss, letting every touch linger, wanting him to feel the depth of my love.

He melted into the kiss, his breath shaky as he exhaled. “I could say the same thing, Ackles,” I murmured against his lips, pulling him closer. His arms tightened around me, and I rested my head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. As we lay there, wrapped up in each other, my thoughts drifted to his kids.

I had started to love them too. It wasn’t easy at first; Danneel had made it clear she didn’t want me anywhere near them. But eventually, despite the tension and everything that came with the divorce, I met them. And as far as this complicated situation could go, it went better than I ever expected.

The kids had needed time—time to adjust to the idea of their dad being with someone else, time to warm up to me. But day after day, moment by moment, things began to get better. I remembered the first time I’d met them. The cautious glances, the way they stuck close to Jensen, unsure of how to approach me.

But slowly, they opened up, bit by bit. A shared laugh here, a game of cards there, until the walls began to come down. Now, when I thought about them, it was with a warmth in my heart I hadn’t expected.

“I was thinking about the kids,” I said quietly, my fingers tracing small patterns on Jensen’s chest.

Jensen's brow furrowed in thought as he processed what I was saying. “If we’re going to be together and if the kids are going to be spending more time here, we definitely need more space. And it has to be a place they feel truly comfortable in.”

He seemed to hesitate, confusion crossing his face. “You mean… the girls could temporarily share a room, but we’d need more space eventually? Are you saying you want to move?”

I nodded, looking at him earnestly. “Well, if we’re going to stay together, I want them to feel welcome. I want them to feel at home. It’s important to me.”

Jensen’s expression softened as he took in my words. “But you just bought this house,” he said, a hint of concern in his voice.

I shrugged. “I can sell it, or put it up for rent. If it’s not the right fit for us, then it’s not the right fit. I’d rather make sure we have a space where the kids feel settled and where we all feel comfortable.”

Jensen looked at me, his eyes searching mine. “What about my place?”

I hesitated, then spoke carefully. “Even if you get the house, I don’t want to live in the place you built with Danneel. It’s important to me that we create a new space together, one that feels like ours.”

He nodded, understanding my perspective. “Yeah, I get it. I want the same thing. We’ll find a place that feels right for all of us.”

We lay there in silence for a moment, the weight of our decisions hanging in the air. The idea of moving, of creating a new home, was daunting but also exhilarating. It felt like a step toward building something new and beautiful out of the chaos.

The courtroom was filled with tension, every word and gesture heavy with the weight of the stakes. Danneel's accusations were relentless, her presentation of photos and selective memories painting a picture that was far from the truth. The judges, though professional, couldn't completely hide their skepticism, and I saw the disapproval in their eyes when Danneel's claims about Jensen's infidelity were laid bare.

When Danneel's eldest daughter took the stand, the atmosphere shifted. Jensen and I exchanged glances, a mix of hope and dread in our eyes. Her testimony was a beacon of light amidst the chaos.

Despite her young age, she spoke with surprising clarity and honesty. When asked about her preference, she didn't hesitate. “I like Y/N. She makes Daddy happy,” she said, her voice clear and sincere. She continued, “Daddy started to smile more last year.”

The courtroom fell silent, the gravity of her words sinking in. The judge’s eyes softened slightly, and I noticed a shift in the atmosphere as the testimony resonated with the room. Jensen’s lawyer, a seasoned professional, leaned over to offer a quiet word of encouragement.

“Her testimony about you only being happy last year is a good sign,” the lawyer said, their tone hopeful. “It should help prove that he’s been faithful and a good father. We’ll need to build on this to make sure the judge understands the full context.”

I watched as Jensen’s face showed a flicker of relief. It was clear that the support from his daughter meant more to him than anything else. The lawyer’s optimism was a small comfort, but the reality of the situation remained daunting.

The divorce was final, almost everything split in half, except the brewery, Jensen had to buy Danneel out, price also settled by the judge. The kids would spend week on week with each of them since we claimed we wouldn't move out of Texas.

We drove home, Jensen stopped in the middle of the road and jumped out of the car.

Jensen’s emotions were raw as he paced the road, his breaths coming in uneven gasps. The finality of the divorce had hit him hard, the weight of it all crashing down now that the process was over. I watched him, my heart aching for him, and I reached out, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

He stopped in his tracks, turning to face me with tears glistening in his eyes. For a moment, there was a silence between us, filled with the echoes of everything we had endured. Then, he closed the distance between us, his lips crashing into mine with a fierce, passionate intensity that spoke of relief, love, and the end of a long struggle.

“It’s over,” he murmured against my lips, his voice breaking with emotion. “It’s finally over.”

I pulled him close, holding him tightly as his tears mingled with mine. The pain and turmoil of the past months seemed to melt away in that moment, replaced by a deep sense of shared relief and hope.

When we finally pulled back, our breaths mingling, I looked into his eyes, seeing both the exhaustion and the renewed determination in them. “We did it,” I said softly. “It’s behind us now.”

Jensen nodded, his expression a mix of gratitude and weariness. ���Thank you for sticking with me through all of this. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

I cupped his face in my hands, brushing away a stray tear. “We’ve been through so much, but we’re stronger for it. And now, we can finally start looking forward to our future.”

He smiled, a genuine, relieved smile that seemed to lighten the weight of his past. “Let’s go home,” he said, his voice filled with a renewed sense of purpose.

“Let’s start building that future."

--

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[etraytin]

Postcards From the Dusty Mountains

Took the kiddo out yesterday with me when I went a-volunteering because he is getting very tired of not having anything to do. You know it's getting bad when a guy misses school and is tired of being on his computer all day. I'm not being sarcastic either, I'm deeply sympathetic to his plight and I wish he could get back to school and the friends he was making and the brand-new boyfriend he's been taking those first cautious romantic steps with. He already had to live through COVID homeschooling for two years, and now this. Ugh. I have heard rumors that they are hoping to open the schools back up on October 21, which means two more weeks closed, but it could be worse. So many places still don't even have power, much less water.

Anyway, I took him with me and we went down to a food distribution in Swannanoa. They got hit very very hard, and we spent a couple hours helping a Chick-Fil-A volunteer team from Atlanta hand out hot chicken sandwiches and bottled water. In normal days I don't have much to do with Chick-Fil-A because I don't like their politics, but when the matter at hand is giving hot food to people who've lost their homes, you put the politics aside. I just wish the rest of the country was able to do the same, because I am extraordinarily tired of people thinking of North Carolina as a "battleground state" when the battle we are fighting right now is to keep people alive as the weather starts to turn cold and the water lines stay broken.

Today was busy because I actually managed to keep a doctor's appointment I have been waiting a month for, which was quite a pleasant surprise! The doctor's office is in Hendersonville, so the fact that they were open for business and that I was able to get there are both things that I might have doubted a week ago. I also had an appointment with a local HVAC outfit about getting a whole-house standby generator installed so that next time we have a power outage, we can at least power the fridges, the well pump, the dehumidifiers and my CPAP, with maybe some left over for laptop charging. The price he quoted me for everything except the propane tank and line was $11,000, which was not exactly unexpected but still a big ol' yikes. The good news is, his company bought several of the right size generators before the storm so they would have an inventory, so I could theoretically have a generator before winter really sets in. Highly tempting.

In the afternoon, kiddo and I went out to do more helping. If nothing else has become more apparent over this week, it's that we were and continue to be so, so lucky. Of all the teachers at my husband's school, we are the _only_ family who are still in our own home with all our utilities back up. We are the only members of our extended family in the area who have power. We are part of a tiny fraction of households in the region who have potable water coming from our taps. Given all of that, we decided that we were going to take my final paycheck from canvassing and put it into a community that was not lucky at all. Our Lowes got restocked big time this week, so I was able to go in and get a propane tank, a gas can, a huge box of contractor bags, a straight rake, a shovel, and a gas-powered chainsaw with two cans of fuel for it. We also raided our own house and took our own three shovels and straight rake, our garden cart, some very cute hiking boots I bought but hadn't worn yet, eight packs of bath wipes and two of our cell phone power banks and drove the whole thing down to Black Mountain.

Black Mountain is very close to Swannanoa and was also hit extremely hard by the storm. We didn't go around touristing, but even on the main roads we took we could see devastation everywhere. Everywhere the water touched was drenched in toxic mud, which has dried over the past two weeks into an awful choking dust that covers everything. It blows on the wind and rises with every passing car. As we drove I took the opportunity to explain how the search and rescue paint marking system works to Kiddo, because their bright green graffiti was on all the half-destroyed houses we were passing.

There's an outdoor music venue in Black Mountain called Silverados that has been turned into a massive distribution center. Hot meals were being passed out in the front, while the rear was a busy hive of organizing and distributing supplies. We went there and dropped off all our items, where they were carted away into an absolutely teeming hub of supplies and volunteers. We asked if they needed any more help today, but they definitely had enough willing hands. I think my dad will laugh because I finally did get the chainsaw he talked me out of, but then gave it away before it even left the box.

With a little time on our hands, we went back up north and visited our favorite grocery store, the one that sells lightly-expired canned and boxed food at greatly reduced prices. We were very happy to see that they'd come through the storm unscathed except for a lack of internet, and stocked up on more of the seemingly endless supply of Old El Paso meal kits that they sell two for a dollar. Cheaper than buying tortillas and taco seasoning, lol! We also visited the local record store, which opened for regular business hours despite the circumstances as well, and bought a couple of records because we want them to stay in business even though times are tough. It was, overall, an extremely successful outing.

Sometimes the world here in our house feels tantalizingly close to normal, an endless weekend where we are just waiting to go back to school and work. But just driving into town and seeing all the places closed for lack of water is enough to destroy that bubble, and driving thirty minutes in any direction is like stepping into a different world. Marshall, Spruce Pine, Swannanoa, Black Mountain, the River Arts District. Dozens more places that I have not seen and probably couldn't even get to if I tried. I'm very afraid for what is about to happen in Florida, for their sake and for ours. Appalachia has a long history of being forgotten about when bad things are happening. I really hope it doesn't go that way again.

[shadowphoenixrider]

Full House

(The morning after Shadow and Gambit's reunion, it's time for Shadow to face the music, and the other X-Men.)

News spread quickly through the X-Mansion that I'd returned, courtesy of Logan and Jean, and it hadn't taken long at all for Scott to appear to Remy's door, unable to hide the smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he glimpsed me cloaked in one of Gambit's shirts.

Both Remy and I looked like kids caught with our hand in the cookie jar, but Scott just offered to unlock my dorm door so I could get a proper change of clothes. He also gently asked if it would be okay if I came and chatted with him and the rest of the team during breakfast.

Which was how I found myself in the kitchen, surrounded by the X-Men, and Gambit sitting beside me with a comforting hand on my waist.

"Took you two bozos long enough." Jubilee commented, pinching her fingers together. "I was this close to staging an intervention!"

"Doubt it woulda worked, kiddo." Logan grunted from his place at the counter. "Both of them were too stubborn to see it."

"You're one to talk." Gambit ground out behind his teeth, netting him quite the death glare from the older man.

"Now now," Hank lifted his large, placating hands, "whilst an intervention may certainly have spared some of the heartbreak, love is an emotion with considerable volatile unpredictability. As much as we wish it otherwise, we often need to let it take its course, as fast or slow as it may be."

"Might I remind you that we're not here to discuss Shadow and Gambit's relationship?" Storm cut in, with a tone that was both breezy and yet commanding, her ice blue eyes sweeping over the room like a monarch surveying her kingdom.

"Storm's right folks, settle down." Scott said, coming to stand in front of me, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. "It is good to see you again, Shadow." He began, a small smile tugging at his lips. "You were only gone a couple of weeks, but we all keenly felt your absence." His head and what I assumed was his gaze tilted towards the tall man next to me. "Some more than others."

"But do not think it was your healing gifts we missed, Shadow." Storm spoke, a gentleness to her voice even as it brimmed with conviction. It reflected in her ice blue eyes. "Whilst there was a definite absence felt, it was your company that was yearned for above all."

"Yeah." Jubilee folded her arms, leaning against the table. "After you left, your friends stopping coming too. It got real quiet here."

I blinked, surprised.

"Wait, really?"

Gambit nodded silently.

"Makes sense though." Rogue spoke. "Why stick around when the reason they had to hang around weren't here any more?"

"But I thought..." I frowned. "What about Lemming? Wasn't he working as admin here?"

"Stuck around the longest, but he were as loyal as the rest of your crew." Logan said, working a small thin stick around in his mouth. "Comes back from time to time to do his hours, but his heart is with you and your gang." He stared at me, a slight smile on his gruff features. "Gotta say, quite the loyalty you inspire, bub."

"Mmm." Cyclops hummed, nodding. "When you left, it was as if we'd lost Morph again." He paused for a moment. "The only good thing was that you were still alive."

He looked down, staring into his coffee. Jean reached out to touch his arm.

"I..." My turn to stare at the table. "I'm sorry."

"Dere no need to apologise, chère." Gambit said, his hand rubbing against my back. "Ya did what ya had to."

"I would like to address it, though." Scott said, and I looked up, meeting his ruby gaze. "Your feelings, in the wake of what happened to the Professor."

"You sure 'bout diggin' up old bones, Slim?" Logan growled lowly.

"Yeah, don' know if dis be a good idea..." Gambit agreed, shifting on his seat.

"It's alright." I butted in, looking between the two men, placing my hand on Gambit's. "The bones aren't that old, and the only way to treat an abscess is to open it up to drain the pus."

"And my concern is that if we don't treat this wound now, it's going to turn septic." Scott added, and I smiled as I met his gaze. He'd been picking up more from Hank and I than I'd realized. Scott gestured with his mug towards me. "So...?"

I sighed. Well, here we go.

"Sure it's no big surprise that I'm not on the same level as the rest of you." I began, letting my gaze drift over the other assembled mutants. "I'm weaker, less athletic, can only just about swing a sword around, and my powers have barely any offensive capability. There's no way I'd ever be able to measure up to any of you in that regard. The only thing I have of worth to bring to the team is my ability to heal."

"That's not true!" Jubilee blurted out. "You-!"

Jean placed a hand on the teen's shoulder, smiling softly.

"I agree, but let her finish."

"But...!"

"Come, petite, let's not leave a story half-told, non?" Gambit smiled at her, convincing a reluctant Jubilee to let me continue.

"True or not, being able to heal was the only thing I saw as making me eligible to be one of the team with the rest of you. In every other sector except mission support and research work with Hank, I was nothing more than a burden, always having to be babysat in the Danger Room." I lifted a shoulder. "Sure, I had my sword, but I wasn't good with it. So I put my all into being support, being your medic. I didn't mind that. I prided myself on it."

"So when your abilities were challenged by Professor's Xavier neurological injuries, and you were unable to deliver a satisfactory outcome..." Hank murmured, trailing off. I nodded.

"Yup, got it in one." I stared at the table again, propping my chin up on my interlaced hands. "The one time I really, truly had to save someone, and I couldn't. I failed to save one of the most important mutants to us and mutant-kind. And to make it worse, it was because of a rule I put on myself!" My hands curled into fists, soft trills of pressure-pain coming from the joints that were now locked tightly together. I pushed them aside. "If I knew how to heal brain injuries, I could have saved him! Instead I just..."

I took a breath, pressing my forehead into my knuckles to swallow down the flare of emotion that rose in me, stinging at my eyes. I released it, slow and steady, unknotting my fingers and stretching them out. The trilling faded.

"I just had to watch him die, with the rest you. I felt like a failure. I still feel like a failure, even now. He took me under his wing to protect me, gave me food, lodgings, and a stipend, and what did I do to repay him? Let him die."

"Dat ain't true, chère." Gambit said firmly. "Ain't what you did at all."

My gaze snapped to him, a retort on the tip of my tongue when Rogue interjected:

"Remy's right, Shadow." She folded her arms, straightening her back. "If you call what ya did 'letting' him die, I hate to see ya fightin' to save someone."

To my surprise, murmurs of agreement sounded out around me.

"If I remember correctly," Jean said, "it was the Professor himself who told you to stop working so he could wish us goodbye. You fought until the very end."

"Indeed!" Hank nodded. "Whilst your treatments were palliative rather than curative, you expended most of your power to keep the Professor not only alive, but comfortable. If not for your Herculean efforts, Xavier might not have survived long enough for Magneto to join us to call for Lilandra, which in turn saved his life, even if he is not physically present with us anymore."

"But he-" My protest was cut short when Hank shook his head.

"Perhaps Professor Xavier was clinically deceased for a few moments. But only a few, before Shi'ar technology revived him." Hank smiled. "It does not matter if your actions alone were found wanting, if the outcome was positive regardless." He frowned thoughtfully for a moment, stroking his chin with his claws. "Shadow, if an emergency physician becomes exhausted in the performance of external cardiopulmonary resuscitation, and has to hand-over to their colleague, if that colleague ends up restoring spontaneous circulation, does that make the previous physician a failure?"

"No!" I shook my head. "No. They tried their best, they were just exhausted."

"Exactly. You personally might not have been the architect of saving the Professor's life. But through your efforts, you kept him alive long enough so he could be."

It felt like my whole world tilted on its axis. All this time...I hadn't failed at all?

"I...I just..." I couldn't grasp the words with the enormity of it all, of their faith in me. Their lack of disappointment.

"You put the Professor's survival solely on your shoulders." Scott pressed, stepping closer. "You had to save him because that is what you do. That is what you're good at." His expression softened with his voice. "So when you don't manage it, you lose your purpose." He tilted his head. "Sound about right?"

Words fully failed me then, and it was all I could do to nod as the emotions came roaring back. Except this time there was no holding it back, not when Scott had essentially read my feelings out to me if they had been nothing more than a script. My eyes burned as they filled with hot tears, my breath shuddering and heavy as a strangled sob tore itself from my throat. Gambit's arm looped around my waist and pulled me close into his body.

"Oh, sugah..." Rogue murmured.

"You are more than just a healer to us, Shadow." Storm said kindly. "You are a confidante, a friend." Through my blurred eyes, I glimpsed her angle her head towards someone. "More than a friend, in some cases."

"Indeed." Hank, now. He offered me a handkerchief, which I gratefully took with mumbled thanks. "Even if you were stripped of your powers, I would never dream of trading your partnership in my work, or your confidence in which to discuss theories of the biomedical nature."

"Yeah, who else am I gonna beat at Mario Kart?" Jubilee piped up. "Gambit?"

A chuckle bubbled out of me, and I felt the Cajun raise an eyebrow in her direction.

"Jus' keep talkin', petite." He drawled. Jubilee grinned mischievously back at him.

"It..." I swallowed hard, wiping away my tears as best I could. "It wasn't just that. I..." I couldn't bear to meet their eyes as I admitted it: "I thought you'd be mad at me."

A rippled 'what?!' sounded out amongst the assembled crew, including the man sitting next to me.

"Sugah, why'd we be mad at you?" Asked Rogue incredulously.

"Because it was the Professor." I forced my voice to be louder than a mutter, despite desiring more than anything to screw myself up into a little ball and vanish. I envied Miranda's invisibility. "You knew him so much better and longer than me, not to mention everything he did for mutant rights and this school and everything. A-And here's me, a fucking outsider, comes swanning in and cocks up healing him the one time I really needed to bring my A-game." Gambit's arm around me tightened slightly.

I dragged my gaze up to Scott and Jean. "I thought you would hate me, especially since you both knew him the longest."

They were shaking their heads before I'd even finished my sentence.

"No, of course not." Jean said, reaching out to touch my hand. "We'd never hate you for doing your best."

Scott nodded his agreement, before casting a look over the others.

"I think I can safely say that goes for everyone here too." A chorus of affirmatives and nods replied to him.

"But that's what you wanted to believe, weren't it?" Logan suddenly spoke up. His gaze was like steel, yet old. Knowing. "Easier to stomach people hatin' you for failing, then get pity you don't feel you deserve."

I nodded, and felt Gambit's grip tighten again, his head gently resting against mine.

"Explains why you got increasingly agitated despite Jean and I's attempts to comfort you." Scott said.

"You wanted us to be angry, so it would justify your self-hatred for 'failing'." Added Jean.

"Easier to run when ya don' think anyone gon' follow you." Gambit murmured, his voice rumbling through his chest.

"Ah. The evening Gambit found you outside, afflicted with hypothermia." Whilst Hank didn't say it, I felt the 'self-afflicted' hang in the air like a stain.

"'Xactly." Curling a finger under my chin, Gambit very gently lifted my head to look him, his red black eyes soft and tender. "You were runnin' again, weren't ya, chère?"

I wrapped my arms around myself, pulling my head away to stare at the floor.

"...Yeah. I...I couldn't bear it. So I ran away." Another squeeze from the Cajun.

"What changed your mind, Shadow? That made you return?" Storm asked. "I doubt it was your feelings for Gambit alone that brought you back to us, as strong as they may be."

"It was definitely the catalyst, but no, there was more to it." I traced the whorls of the wood grain on the table. "I tried to return to what my normal life was before I met you all. The hospital took me back as a 'gesture of goodwill' towards mutants after the Professor's 'death'." Logan snorted derisively. "Yeah, I know. Not worth the paper it was written on. Regardless, even if it was never definitively 'proved' I was a mutant, a lot of people saw me as one anyway."

"And it turns out that a place that has a procedure to report suspected mutant employees tends to attract people who dislike mutants. Who'd've thunk." I sighed bitterly. "I guess I was so human-passing I never noticed it, much to my shame. I will say, no-one was outright hostile to me, and interactions were polite, but they were cool in that way that you knew if there wasn't a HR department, they'd be saying something completely different. It was like being in high school again, completely iced out of every social circle and treated like a pariah."

"I am very sorry that happened to you, Shadow." Hank frowned, his tone friendly, yet a sharp edge was faint underneath it, not pointed towards me. "Are you still employed by them?"

"For now, but probably not for much longer." I said. "I know that's probably part of the reason they're isolating me - so I'll leave on my own accord, but..." I heaved out a sigh. "Fuck, after everything I've experienced here, I have no capacity for dealing with petty workplace politics."

"Indeed. It will be their loss for their foolishness." The doctor nodded.

"You have my sympathies, Shadow, but I'm not sure how this is relevant." Scott spoke, raising an eyebrow.

"Trying to go back to my old normal proved to me that I can't." I explained. "Being here, helping the team however I can, it's more than what I was doing." Raising my hand as Hank opened his mouth, I continued: "I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing good in my own way, but...it feels so...so intangible. I could see what I was doing here. See the wounds I closed, the tests Hank and I did, discovering new ways to fight the Sentinels when we trained."

I looked away, staring at a point on the wall. "Unless I suddenly get fit enough and pass the exams to become a paramedic and find someone who'd hire a mutant, I'll never do anything that feels like it matters, that makes a difference."

I smiled ruefully. "That and Ebak kinda...opened my eyes a little bit." My eyes shifted back to Gambit, watching me intently. "And gave me the push to really...reach for the things I want." Laying my hand out on the table, palm up, I smiled at him. "As that Bon Jovi song goes: 'to live while I'm alive'."

A smile spread across Gambit's lips as well, one that reached his eyes, and he placed his hand in mine, interlacing our fingers together.

"Not bad taste, chère." He commented. Jubilee snorted.

"You're sure not beating the 'old woman' allegations, Shadow." She arched an eyebrow at me, before dissolving into giggles as I stuck my tongue out at her.

"So aside from finally admittin' you and Gumbo have something goin' on," Logan drawled, giving me a bored look, "anything else you discovered? Sure hope it ain't that you can give Summers a run for his money in the speech department."

"Can it, Logan." Scott snapped. "Not the time."

Anger flashed across Logan's face, and I quickly raised my other hand:

"It's fine, Scott!" I said hurriedly. "I do need to get to the point." I squeezed Gambit's hand slightly, gathering my composure. "My point is, I didn't just come back for Remy." I lifted my chin up, meeting Scott's eyes behind his red glasses. "I'd like to rejoin the team. If you'll have me."

"What makes ya think we'd say 'no', sugah?" Rogue chuckled richly, grinning widely.

"Indeed." Jean smiled. "It was always the impression that you were leaving temporarily to clear your mind and make a more informed decision away from us."

"You are always welcome in my laboratory and in our life, Shadow!" Hank cried, smiling broadly. "I welcome your company. And your opinions on recent matters!"

"Steady on McCoy, let's not overwhelm the woman and make her change her mind." Logan commented, a small smile playing on his lips.

"That a 'yes', Wolvie?" Jubilee grinned at him. He grunted, shrugging.

"Yeah, well, someone needs to keep the rest of you in one piece." He arched an eyebrow, shooting a smirk at the Cajun. "That and Gumbo won't be sneaking out at all times at night to see her."

"Didn' know ya cared, Logan!" Quipped Gambit, grinning back at him.

"Hmph." Logan folded his arms. "Care more 'bout the security risk of leaving your window open to go chat your lady up."

"You are more than welcome back with us, Shadow." Storm smiled warmly. "As Rogue herself said, there is no reason to think we would refuse you. Both as a member of the team, and good friend."

I blushed brightly under their affection, ducking my head.

"T-Thank you. I...I just-"

"Felt like you needed permission, right?" Scott supplied.

"...Yeah." I nodded. He smiled, one that I think reached his obscured eyes.

"I know the feeling." He reached a hand out to me. "Then allow me to welcome you back to the X-Men, Shadow."

I clasped his hand to shake it, and felt Gambit press a kiss to my head.

"Welcome back, mon ombre." He rumbled deeply, the timbre of his voice brimming with affection.

"Th...Thank you." I smiled shyly, looking around the kitchen to each face of the X-Men. More people who called me friend. "All of you."

"You can have today to settle back in," Scott said, immediately back to business, "but tomorrow you'll be included in the drills with the rest of the team."

"If I may," Hank piped up, lifting a clawed finger, "I have identified a slight issue."

"Go on, Hank?" Scott frowned slightly.

"I presume you've returned to full-time employment, Shadow? Will you be able to make time for your duties around it?" The doctor asked.

"I will, one way or t'other." I replied. "Gonna submit a request for part-time hours later today, and see what they say. Either they grant me the request; in which I'll get the time, or they'll refuse me, or I'll be fired." I lifted a shoulder. "If they refuse me, I'll just hand in my notice. Life's too damn short for their nonsense."

Scott nodded.

"I'll take that into consideration."

"Have you discussed this with your parents?" Asked Storm.

"Not yet. I was gonna head home today and get things in motion with my work." I explained.

"Need a ride back, chère?" Gambit asked. I swore I saw Rogue roll her eyes out of the corner of my eye.

"Ah, it's okay," I smiled at him. "I know a guy. He's waiting for me to check in, and he can take me back."

"Then let's not keep him waiting." Scott spoke. "You're dismissed, team."

---

One quick call later, and Ebak was stepping out of the shadows of one of the X-Mansion's rooms, wrapping me up in a big hug.

"Hello Gremlin." He murmured affectionately.

"Hey big guy." I replied, squeezing him gently.

When I opened my eyes and stepped back, we were behind a set of trees I knew to be in my parents' neighbourhood, their bare branches reaching for the sky. The suburb was quiet except the distant chattering of the local starling flock as it roved from garden to garden.

"Can't get any closer?" I asked him as we stepped out onto the path, raised and cracked by the tree roots that snaked under it.

"I could get a little closer, but figured the walk would give us time to talk." Ebak smiled, gesturing for me to start off, falling into step with me on his hearing side. "So, m'dear, how'd it go?"

"Well, they let me back onto the team, so that's good, right?" I smiled shyly.

"You've decided to rejoin them?" He smiled warmly, quickly pulling me into a half-hug. "I'm glad."

"Yeah. Decided to grab life by the lapels, like you said." I met his dark brown eyes. "Do the things that I want to do."

"Mmm." He hummed, before smirking, eyes glinting. "I have pretty good ideas, don't I?"

"Oh my God, you are never letting me live down the 'hot shower on a hot day' thing, are you?" I groaned, to his laughter.

"Nope." He grinned widely. "Never."

"I changed my mind," I declared, "can I go back to being an only child again?" Ebak's laugh was a full belly one; a sound I loved to hear, even at my expense. "In seriousness though, I heard from Jubilee that you and the others that you stopped going to the mansion after I left. Was...was that because of me?"

He nodded.

"Myst said it didn't feel right for us to go there whilst you weren't, and we agreed." He explained. "Lemming stayed on the longest to work, and Miranda...has her own reasons, but all in all we stopped going when you did."

My heart dropped into a bucket of ice, the painful wave of guilt pulsing through my veins. No, that hadn't been my intention at all - I was supposed to leave the mansion and their company, not the others. I never wanted-

"I'm sorry." I breathed. "I-"

"Shh shh shh." Ebak moved over to me, taking hold of my upper arms. "Hush. No blaming yourself." He raised a finger as I tried to protest. "I'll tell Ber!"

"But El-"

"Don't 'but El' me, I'm being serious." He interjected. "This was an agreement between all of us, because even if it had been someone else like Miranda, Myst or Ber, we still wouldn't feel happy going to a place our friend felt like they had to leave." Ebak smiled. "Where'd you think we got all that free time to be with you?"

"I..." I grabbed and hugged him tightly, emotion overwhelming me once more. He embraced me just as firmly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Shad." My brother murmured softly. "We love you, you know?"

Tears pricked at my eyes.

"Y-Yeah. And I love you all so much too. I'm so lucky to have friends like you."

"And we're lucky to have you too." Ebak replied, patting my back before he pulled back. "Now c'mon. Let's get you back home before they send out a search party."

"You did tell 'em where I'd be, right?" I asked as we set off again. I remembered leaving a note...

"Well yes, but they're your parents. They're going to worry." Ebak smiled. "Just like we do."

"True." I nodded. Suddenly, a realization hit me like a lorry. "Oh...God."

"Hmm?" He hummed, arching his scarred eyebrow.

"I just realized." I groaned. "I gotta introduce Gambit to my parents at some point."

"Haha!" My brother barked out a laugh. "Good luck with that!"

"Thanks! Very reassuring!"

Ebak patted my back.

"It'll be fine, Shadow." He smiled. "He loves cats, doesn't he? They'll just need to see him with Spock, and they'll love him!"

"Uh huh, the six foot Cajun thief with a motorbike and penchant for being a flirt." I said flatly. "He'll go down real well next to Tom."

"Hehe, maybe." Ebak smiled knowingly at me, a sparkle in his eyes. "But that's not going to stop you, is it?"

I grinned widely.

"No. Not in the slightest."

[hookedsworks]

Edge(ING) Fitness - Chapter XXIX

Vessel's POV.

ao3

masterpost

It was just Vessel tonight for boxing. Ives strolled in about five minutes before, while Vessel was fussing with hand wraps to stabilize his wrists for punching. 

“Hey, Ives, do my wraps look okay?” 

“I'll look in a second, just need to put my bag down,” Vessel wanted to ask Ivy about a million questions about the date with III the other day. III had briefly texted him about it but he hadn't been able to get any details. He refrained. He thought that Ives was his friend, but they'd never talked much. He was more of a teacher than anything. 

“I can see the steam coming out of your ears. What are you thinking so hard about?” Ivy asked, hands readjusting Vessel's wraps. Man, I wish II were here. 

“Um. Just, form stuff. I think I need some help with my stance,” chicken shit. 

“Well, since it's just you, we can work on anything you like,” Vessel thought about it for a second. Conversation can come later. He actually was really enjoying these classes and he didn't want to let his worries get in the way. 

“Okay, well, I'm not sure about this,” and Vessel tried to settle into a stance, but he knew there was something weird about it. Ivy circled him, looking up and down at his entire form. 

“Can I touch you to reposition you?” 

“Oh, sure,” Ivy proceeded to tap Vessel's knee from the back so it popped out even with his toe, and tucked his elbows closer into his body. 

“How's that feel?” But before Vessel could answer, Ivy moved his leg again, repositioning him in a way that felt way more stable. 

“Better,” 

“Your legs weren't quite far enough apart, which would lead to you being easier to topple,” Vessel nodded in understanding. “So, do you think you'll go out with II again?” Was Ivy feigning disinterest? Vessel couldn't quite tell. 

“I'd like to. I think we've both just been a bit busy. Why do you ask?” 

“Well, because I went out with your guy, III, the other day,” 

“And how'd that go?” Where the fuck is he going with this? 

Ivy threw a punch. Vessel blocked. He threw a return punch. 

“It was good. But I don't know if we're going to go out again,” 

“No?” Fuck, that'll break III's heart. “You'll break his heart if you tell him that,” 

“Break his heart? We went on one date,” oh what is this? Vessel rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah, and he told me he wanted a, quote unquote, “very reasonable nine hundred and sixty seven more”. If you ask him out, he'll be at your door within an hour,” 

“Why isn't he here with you?”

“Oo, careful now. Sounds like you like him,” Vessel teased. Ivy flushed red to his roots. “Oh, you do like him, like, a lot, don't you?” Ivy mumbled and then threw a more vicious punch into Vessel's kidney. 

“Never leave your sides unguarded,” 

“Fine. He's not here because his marathon is in 2 weeks,” 

“Why does he do that to himself, run marathons?”

“If you ask him, he'll tell you,” Ives just nodded then, clearly sick of Vessel shoving him toward III. “Look, it's not my place to say why. It's sad. And if you guys are gonna go out, you should show interest in him anyway. Or he'll think you don't like him. None of this is my place, But I know III, and if you don't text him or call him or something, he'll think he did the date wrong and you don't like him,” 

“Okay,” was all Ivy said in return. Thay pissed Vessel off and he flung a punch into Ivy's kidney. The class carried on for a while, til both of them collapsed in a sweaty heap when Ives tackled him. He had gone pretty hard on Ivy, partly for III who had been a wreck for the two days he hadn't heard from Ivy. Partly because he hadn't heard from II in a few days and he was starting to worry that II had lost interest. 

“Does II like dinner?” oh that's a stupid question. 

“That's a stupid question. Who doesn't like dinner?” 

“I guess I mean fancy dinner,” 

“You let that man put on nice clothes and pick you up at eight, and you'll have a ring by the new year,” Ivy clearly meant it as a joke, but Vessel's mind ran away with it anyway. 

“I'm gonna text him right now,” Vessel walked toward his bag and his phone. But II was walking past the boxing room. So Vessel decided to just poke his head out the door and ask. 

“Vessel, hi!” II seemed happy to see him. Nerves got him for a second but he spit it out. 

“Would you want to do dinner next week?” 

“Oh, yeah, that'd be awesome. Did you have some place in mind?” 

“Yeah, but it's kind of fancy,” II lit up. Vessel nearly swooned. He was completely over the moon for II and his smile was worth more than any gold or gem. 

“I love fancy. Send me the details?” II winked and then continued on. Vessel watched as he walked away, until he was out of sight. He's so pretty. “Hey, III,” Vessel heard Ivy behind him and turned around, knowing damn well III wasn't here. Ivy had his phone jammed up against his face. Man of action, I guess. Ivy waved Vessel off, grinning and listening to III through the phone. “Bye,” Ivy mouthed at Vessel. Vessel took that to mean class dismissed and gathered his things. He sent II the restaurant and then called said restaurant to make a reservation for two. The hostess was cheerful and excited to help Vessel get a secluded booth. He scheduled it for Friday, so he could go on a run with III on Saturday. III was really winding up his training. Vessel texted III to make sure he was still running in the morning.

[silver-wield]

In your opinion what do you think the Devs frame of mind is with how they wrote A this game. Are they just out of touch and don't realise how shitty she comes across in this day and age or did they do it on purpose to show something? Like how she too was mentally distraught over Zack and none of her feelings were genuine at all even in OG. Even non shippers are literally baffled and don't know what to think of her and why she is so flip floppy this game when they thought she was written better last game.

Maybe it's just the way I played but it felt like we were meant to be pissed off with Aerith and avoid her because she's so frigging intolerable.

Even in Cosmo Canyon all she did during that speech was whine all "poor me I had no friends and I'm super special and I wanna be normal!!!" and the option to encourage that and indulge her self pitying bullshit just felt really icky, so I think a lot of the negative convo choice outcomes actually make her stop and think about her behaviour and how she hurts others. The fact the Gi also said as much about cetra as a whole being a selfish race also feeds into that view point. I mean if you've been sucking up to her and then suddenly you hear "oh yeah, cetra are self obsessed and don't care about others" you should stop and think about how you've played the game and whether what you've done is in line with how the characters are canonically.

For the most part with the multiple dialogue options and several versions of the same scene depending on how you played I think this game above Remake and part three are indulging the whole "it's player choice!!!" narrative. From what I've seen it's almost impossible to figure out the straight line in all the options, and if they hadn't included some mandatory scenes as waypoint markers I think the whole narrative would've got lost, but the one thing that is clear is that Cloud isn't as nice to Aerith as he is to Tifa and the point Kitase made about "by the end you'll be thinking I wish I had been nicer to her" factors into the non optional parts of the game as well as the optional parts.

That's not to say she's not still a back stabbing bitch who maintains a superficial friendship with Tifa because even though she likes her, she's jealous af of her in multiple ways and thinks if she can steal Cloud from under her nose then that validates her as superior.

I mean even Zack acknowledged Aerith isn't that pretty. She's pretty to him, but not in general. She also had no friends because her personality sucks and she was obsessed with being seen as normal and that made her act fake and resulted in everyone calling her weird, which she hates more than anything.

Aerith is a foil for Tifa and the devs really took that concept and made her the worst. She's not that kind, she's self involved, she's not pretty or capable or anything that Tifa is. She's obsessed with Cloud and doesn't really care about the planet or her role unless it's performative and makes her look good. Even as she's dying all she cares about is trying to get Cloud, which causes him trauma because she doesn't care how he feels.

Aerith is written as a bad person who happens to be a good guy and that's meant to throw up a lotta of conflicting emotions for players. Even though she's a "heroine" we don't have to like her because she's a horrible person. That's the devs intention imo.

[cauldron-of-oddities]

A little bridge to the next part of High Up in the Branches, a bit of family bonding

Change

The conversation with Vander had been awkward but insightful.

She'd flopped down on her favourite seat and started biting her lip. Vander, familiar with his youngest agitation, had taken out her favourite star-covered cup and filled it with the most sugary drink he had. He waits her out, like he always does. Sometimes, she wishes he'd ask outright other times, she's grateful. Right now, she's not sure, with this churning mess of emotions in her.

Halfway through her drink, fidgeting with the straw, she asks “Are all boys this dense?"

“Are your brothers bothering you?” 

“No, it's just, well, what if someone who you've known all your life is suddenly being weird?"

“A boy is being dense and weird?"

“Yes.” 

“Is this about Ekko?”

“Um,..”  

“Hmmm.” The sound's thoughtful as he dries off another glass. “I'm going to need a bit more than that.” 

Maybe Vander hadn't been the right choice to talk to, and she should have asked Claggor or Vi, but here she was. She's committed now, and she really needs some insight. “He’s…” She searches for the right word. “Awkward. Like he's constantly surprised to see me, and so lost in his thoughts, I mean, he almost flew into a post yesterday! Ekko's too good a flyer for that, and he's been too busy to do things together, and when we are, he's all jittery. And! He hasn't hugged me in like two weeks! Ugh!” She dropped her forehead onto the bar in frustration. 

“Is he being mean?” 

“No.”

“It's.., he's so sure of himself usually and,” Damn, she's feeling shy now. “He makes me feel sure of myself too and comfortable and now it's like he's scared to touch me, and I miss it and I thought we'd…” Her cheeks are warm. “I thought last time we'd… be more, and now he's acting like he's scared of me!”

“Hmmhmm” another noncommittal noise, she considers running off. "So it felt like something was going to change last time you went off together?"

Jup, her cheeks are officially on fire. “Yes…” 

“Sounds like perhaps the idea of you and change spooked him a little.” Vander has a fond smile. “Maybe you could offer him some reassurance?”

She contemplates that answer before another question comes to her. “Wait, you're ok with this?” 

“Why wouldn't I be? He's good to you, and it's been clear since he gave you your earrings.” He's laughing. Now, she feels pleased and bubbly along with the embarrassment. When his laughter quiets, he carries on in a wistful tone. 

“The heart wants what it wants, and I am happy your choice is, a gentle one, a happy one."

Is it just her, or did Vander sound sad? Had his heart not been kind,  did it have something to do with that magpie feather he kept? He shakes it off before she can ask. Instead, she goes with something else that's been bugging her.

“I have one more question: Why, whenever Ekko and I were alone, you and everyone constantly checks up on us?” 

“Ah, well.” It's Vander's turn to look embarrassed “Let an old man worry for his daughter. These grey hairs weren't cheap, you know. I like to know all is good with my kids. As for your siblings, ask them.” 

“Wait, you were just being nosy?” He laughs heartily at that. With that, she's out. Did parents always have to be so embarrassing?

She slides off the barstool with a roll of her eyes. Before she can go, Vander clears his throat. “Powder one thing, please be responsible. Talk to your sister, or I can ask Babette for a chat."

“I'll talk to Vi. Thank you very much.” Ok, she's not quite ready for that bit of the conversation today as she thinks diving into an ice bucket might be a good idea as she runs off.

She did talk to Vi later that week, who then promptly took her to Babette anyway. She learned two things that day. One; her sister was shameless. Two; she may well be utterly shameless too. Sat in Babetts plush office - who'd been all too happy to host her friends' girls for the evening - they'd been offered tea and cakes and some of the most safe, sane and scandalous information available. 

[intcritus]

There's some days where a natural tell can be found. In a life woven of new experiences, new but so cherished people since he began the essence of Trailblaze, there's always a moment of March's that managed to get his attention. Never drawn with too heavy an amount of attention, and at all others, a pain that's shared as the beauty of a past found itself locked away, lock and key. So to see where that peppiness diminishes with a more forlorn feeling, how it always creeps out during the dwindle of their normal figure, Caelus's heart can't help but lurch at the moment. Entrenched in concern, nurtured in care, and to a degree projecting as this sensation might be understood. Both of them were seeking the stars for their own form of answers. "March." His voice holds like a adamant anchor, welcoming her presence as there's so little hesitation for when he draws her into a hug. He keeps her close, hands pressed securely around her figure as a gentle sigh escapes. So far, they've played a touch too much with the idea of loss with their dangerous opposition. There's an understanding it won't get any easier. Yet in many ways, in a newly born form of selfishness, he wishes to be that certainty for someone who's always been in his corner. "We got each other's back, okay?" This pain? They can carry it together. "And I'll always be with you." Even if the end of his fate holds such a grim inevability. (Caelus to March! I seen that one hc and had to hop on it.)

Since her proverbial escape from the ice, March has found herself on brand new adventures. Ones that have her heart racing, her smile genuine and bright. But it also bought about those heart-clenching feelings of panick and grief. No, she hadn't lost someone in those moments, but the feeling would never abate so she'd try to smile through it until they were back on the Express and she could cry silently into a pillow, hoping her heart would stop aching so much. It doesn't get easier seeing her friends in danger, knowing she can't really do much for them, that helplessness grips her and oh, she wished she was stronger.

And even when she does become stronger, when bows are replaced with blades, she knows there's another way to defend them, her people, they can rely on her. But those moments after always come at a cost. The starlight that encapsulates is muted by the void of despondency and March hopes for once not to be percieved so she can take deep breaths and push back the sting behind her lids. They'resafe, everyone is okay. Even small mishaps don't mean a breach in their safety.

The soft call of her voice brings her back and watery eyes look over to Caelus, a small sniffle escaping her the second he draws her into his arms. And she tries to hold it in, tries to tell herself she's okay but the safety of the Trailblazer's embrace has tears rolling down her cheeks, quiet hiccups of breath as she clutches the fabric of his jacket. ❝ ━ You p-promise? ❞ Its silly to think he'll always be with her. Who knows what will happen, but in this moment where all rationality seems to exist, March needs the reassurance that no matter what trials they might go through that he'll always be the beacon she can focus on.

Maybe it won't be okay right away, but for now as she cries into his shoulder, she knows that she can rely on Caelus to be there when she breaks, because truly he's already been there for the good. ❝ ━ P-Please don't let go yet. ❞ Arms wind around his waist, holding him tightly as her tears slow. It's one thing to show vulnerability, but March had never been one to hide anything, and right now she doesn't want to. It means everything to her that Caelus saw her in this moment and offered comfort, it's exactly what she needed. ❝ ━...sorry about your shirt.❞

when sometimes a good hug and cry is needed. | @astrxlfinale

[highladyluck]

13 books tag game, tagged by @amemoryofwot and @asha-mage (incidentally I typoed that as "amemeryofwot" which would be an excellent sideblog concept, maybe snatch that one up?)

1) Last book I read:

Mistress of the Empire by Raymond Feist & Janny Wurts (at the time I started filling this out, anyway… I've been working on this ask for several days) This whole trilogy was a delight, thanks to @sixth-light for telling me I would love Mara!

2) A book I recommend:

The Best of All Possible Worlds by Karen Lord. It's a quiet little road trip romance exploring grief & diaspora, in a setting that I can best describe as 'if Madeline L'Engle had been in charge of Star Trek worldbuilding'. (If you squint you can see analogues to humans, Vulcans, Romulans, and Orions, but the tone is reminiscent of L'Engle.) There are sequels that follow different characters but this is the first one and it works as a standalone. I feel like it has a lovely light touch on some intense subjects and I appreciate the way each chapter works as a separate story while still fitting into the whole.

3) A book that I couldn’t put down:

I remember staying up past my bedtime for The Monster Baru Cormorant, I think? At the very least, that's where we first get my beloved Tau-Indi, and the pacing on the climax is kinda weird, about 2/3rds in, so I think I would have read through to it without stopping. I don't know if this question is supposed to be about compellingness or pacing? Probably compellingness, I think I'm weirdly fixated on structure when I read things. But sometimes I think books you 'can't put down' are at least partially that way because there's no damn place to breathe, and I don't entirely approve.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more)

I see from literally everyone who has tagged me in this that this is one of the two free spaces for Wheel of Time, but I'll switch it up: Lifeboats by Diane Duane. It's set between Young Wizards 9 & 10 and deals with an emergency response team permanently evacuating an entire alien population from a natural disaster (RIP their moon and also consequently their planet). This novel is a huge comfort read for me and is undoubtedly the Young Wizards work I've read the most. I don't really know how to explain what it means to me… I wish I had had it when I was living and working in a foreign country.

5) A book on my TBR

A friend recommended Cahokia Jazz (in general, not to me specifically) and it sounds SO MUCH like my jam. I suspect if I can't find it at my library soon, I'll end up buying the ebook.

6) A book I’ve put down

Can't think of a recent one, but if I hadn't forced myself to finish reading it because it was a Hugo Award nominee, I would have DNF'd Project Hail Mary.

7) A book on my wish list

I wish for more Baru Cormorant but I also literally cannot imagine how Seth is going to write that next book. So like, I'm girding my loins for Baru #4 either 15 years from now or never.

8) A favourite book from childhood

When I was really little I loved the Berenstain Bear books and my mom HATED that I loved them ("they were so badly written!" - my mom the children's librarian) but she bought them for me anyway. That's love.

9) A book you would give a friend

You all need to read Middlemarch by George Eliot. I don't care what stage of life you're at, you will find something resonant in it. Read it now, and read it again in 20 years. Give it to recent high school grads. Give it as a wedding present. Take it to the beach. BUT I am specifically recommending it to the WoT contingent, because the characters are so good!

10) The most books you own by a single author

It's actually either Diane Duane or Terry Pratchett, and DD's probably winning because I don't have every Pratchett book but I do have almost every DD book including tie-in novels.

11) A nonfiction book you own

Four Lost Cities: A Secret History of the Urban Age by Annalee Newitz. I don't read a ton of nonfiction but the writing is very engaging and I think cities are neat.

12) what are you currently reading

I'm between books but I just finished The Imposition of Unnecessary Obstacles (as I am writing this part several days after question 1). I didn't like it as much as the first one, The Mimicking of Known Successes, but I think it's just a taste thing. I didn't like being in Pleiti's POV very much, her overthinking is too much like mine and it alternately stresses me out and makes me angry, because I can see the assumptions/unhelpful thought patterns but I can't fix them. Obviously, to draw that reaction from me the characters are well-defined, and I like everything else about the series, I just hope it goes back to Mossa's POV.

13) what are you planning on reading next?

WHEN WILL 'RED SIDE STORY' BY JASPER FFORDE REACH MY HOUSE??? I have been waiting like 15 years for this sequel to Shades of Grey and the entire point of preordering it was so I could have it ASAP. I could have walked into a bookstore on May 9th and walked out with it, and instead I won't get it until tomorrow. >:(

I think I am supposed to add a shelfie? The organizing principles(s) of this shelf in my bedroom are very weird…. Classics/adventure, fantasy, popular science writing? Someday I need to reshelve everything in the house according to size/favoriteness/genre/theme/vibes (in that order) but I haven’t felt like it.

I think pretty much everyone I was going to tag already got tagged, so whoever want to do it, go ahead!

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #239

Have you ever had the chicken pox? No.

Have you ever been evicted? Yes, because Mom couldn't keep up with rent.

Would you grow your own garden? IDEALLY I would like to... but I know I wouldn't be consistent with it, so.

Do you know anyone who snores? Me, my mom, I know my dad did when he actually lived with us.

What is your favorite font? I like Garamond.

Would you have liked to have lived during the Victorian times? Hard pass.

Do you like deviled eggs? Absolutely not, I won't touch the yolk.

What time do you usually wake up? Lately it's been like, 11-ish, which is wild when you consider how early I go to bed. I think it's because I have absolutely zero desire TO wake up lately, my body just sleeps until it can't possibly sleep anymore.

What made you feel most accomplished in your life so far? Healing from my trauma as much as I think is possible.

What can’t you afford but wish you could? I wish Mom could have a new car. I wish we could afford a house we actually like and feel at home in. I wish I could afford insurance that isn't Medicaid because good doctors don't fucking take Medicaid apparently. I never wouldn't lost my irreplaceable psychiatrist if I hadn't lost my old insurance.

What is your favorite type of museum? Those with fossil displays.

Have you ever been inside the Statue of Liberty? No.

What is your favorite book you’ve read this year? I THINK I read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood in the past year. That was great.

Do you think animals really have emotional feelings? Or do you not? Yes, or at least some semblance of them in their own way.

Have you ever written a movie review online before? Which movie(s)? No.

Do you ever feel super shitty about your appearance? Daily.

Do you know any computer programming languages? No.

When was the last time you were in a really bad situation? The past month. I've been in the worst mental state I've been in since 2016.

When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? I mean, I had a curfew when I was out with somebody. That's about it.

Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No.

What is your biological sex? Female.

Are you in a heterosexual relationship? I'm not heterosexual, but my relationship technically is. It's a cis woman and cis man.

You and your best friend get in a fight. Why do you think that is? It's hard to say because we haven't gotten into many arguments. But if I had to make a theory judging by our past ones... maybe an insensitive joke was made and my feelings were hurt.

You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Avoid him.

Have/are you depressed? I have chronic depression and have been extremely depressed lately.

Did you grow up in the United States? Tragically.

Do you call anybody ‘baby’? Rarely Girt, and I regularly call Venus (my snake) "baby girl."

Do you wear earrings on a normal basis? Yes.

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot? I would never do such a thing.

How are you feeling right now? Today has - VERY THANKFULLY - been better that any day in like... the past month, so I'm extremely grateful for that. I'm cherishing it while it lasts.

Are you drifting away from someone you were close with? Not currently.

Is there someone you’d like to fix things with? No.

What are you listening to? I'm watching/listening to a let's play of jacksepticeye playing Still Wakes the Deep.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel? Yes, but it's been many years.

Have a best friend? He's my boyfriend, so I don't know if that "counts" in your eyes, but yes.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? No, he's allowed to have his own life.

Last person to send you a text? My little sister. I saw her today so I wanted to say how happy I was to hang out with her for a bit and that I love her.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? I initially woke up a bit after 8:00 and went to the bathroom before fighting for more sleep because I had no desire to be up.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately? Today, but I'd rather not talk about it. No one wants to know.

Do you trust easily? lol no

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream? Sure, but it's not what I go for.

What color shirt are you wearing? I have on a red tank top.

Are you a mean person? I definitely don't think so. I don't think anyone is exempt from being able to do mean THINGS now and then, but I don't think that makes them a mean person overall. We're just humans that don't always do the right thing, no matter how hard we try.

Does anyone hate you? I can name two.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them? No.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Yes, but not too much older. At least for people I seriously liked, not any celebrity "crushes" that don't even really count.

Have you ever played Marco Polo? Yes; my sisters and I played this a lot in the pool as kids.

Do you know anyone who is a vegetarian? Uh... I might, idk.

Who was last mean to you? My mom was recently extremely upset and verbally took some frustration out on me when talking.

What was the last video game you played? The Resident Evil 4 remake.

How do you dry your hair? I towel dry to start and then just let the air take care of the most of it.

What did you have for breakfast? Are you even a breakfast person? I had Reese's Puffs cereal, even though my breakfast routine has been so fucked lately because I haven't been wanting cereal AT ALL. I haven't been wanting a lot of food options lately, which has really sucked because I'm having to force myself to eat.

Have you left the house at all today? Where did you go and what did you do? Yes, thank god. I went with my mom and sister to El Tap for a late lunch/early dinner.

Who was the last person you spoke to online? Do you know them in person or not? Girt, and yes.

If you could change any law that exists in your current country, what would it be and why? Abortion is legal fucking nationwide again. I still cannot fucking believe we ever went back on this.

What's your favourite way to eat potatoes? As French fries.

When was the last time you met someone new? What were the circumstances and did you get along? Recently, when joining the Linklu server. I got to meet lots of Pancake's friends. <3

What will you be eating for your next meal? Will you be cooking, eating out or ordering a takeaway? My next meal will be breakfast tomorrow, and realistically it'll probably be cereal, even if I haven't wanted cereal.

Which Harry Potter film was your favourite? What about your least favourite? fuck that entire franchise

Are you afraid of walking alone at night? I WOULD be terrified if I actually did this.

Favorite dried fruit? I hate dried fruits.

Would you rather wear a dress or a suit on your wedding day? Dress.

If you chose dress, will it be long or short? Long.

If you chose suit, will you wear a bow or a tie? N/A

Have you ever wanted to be a police officer? Big nope.

Do you have a nut allergy? No.

How often do you cook dinner? Literally never.

Ever had bangs? I did as a child.

Have you ever dated someone LGBT+? Yes, a demisexual.

Last time you went to Pizza Hut? It's been years I think, Pizza Hut definitely isn't a go-to.

Do you hear owls or crickets at night where you live? Crickets, yeah.

Are you scared to ride public transport alone? Why? I WOULD be if I took public transport.

Did you own a dollhouse when you were younger? No, but my younger sister did. Dolls weren't my thing.

Do you have a favorite sibling? No.

Best year of your life? 2017. It's WILD to me that year started with a suicide attempt.

How do you like your eggs if you like them at all? Only scrambled.

Are both your eyes the same color? Yes.

Opinion on brussel sprouts? Fucking disgusting, I will not touch them.

How many followers do you have on Instagram? Not very many on my personal, it's private and I have to approve whoever even tries to follow me.

How about Twitter? Fuck Twitter, I don't use it.

How much would I have to pay you to get you to do karaoke? A fucking ton, I'd be humiliated.

What is your religion? I'm an atheist, so I don't have one.

[roseofithaca]

The Curse

(A small continuation of @idiotwithanipad 's fic The Flight, set in her Gore Au, ft her oc Amy and mine Silver. All good things must come to an end....for a while).

Silver felt her way forward, letting out the smallest of giggles until the soundwaves ricochet back to her, informing her of the distance between where she stood and her target.

An image solidified in her vision of a girl only an inch shorter than her in a thick hoodie, holding something crumpled between her fingers.

"Ah. What a lovely, uh...leaf you have there, Poppet." Her daddy said, placatingly; "You can put that on your bedside table if you like. A nice little souvinere of your adventures today."

The muffled groan from Amy vibrated with frustration.

Silver finally reached to touch her elbow; "It's not a leaf! It's a Kit Kat! Hehehe."

She felt her friend turn to her, felt her muscles relax against her fingers, even somehow felt the smile. It wasn't just a dream, a fantasy, not if there was another person to validate it.

"A....Kit Kat, eh? Well I did suggest to your mum that we get a pet but she always claimed to be allergic to both cats and dogs-"

Both girls cut the Tudor off with their laughter, Amy's hand flying up to her lips to try to avoid gurgling liquid down Silver's top.

"I believes they be referring to a biscuit, cloaked one. My girl hath listed many a sweet with odd names she wishes for me to conjure in her senses." Mummy explained, throwing an ounce of mercy to the befuddled Humphrey.

Silver giggled again; "This one time I asked Mummy for Milky Ways and Galaxies. She waved her hands and next thing I knew, I was floating in space! Hahaha."

"Blimey." Humphrey blinked while his daughter bent forward in more contained laughter, clearly understanding the joke he was missing.

"Yes, yes, t'was most confuddling." The witch sighed, "We be more precise in our requests when dealins with the dark arts now, don't we, little'en?"

"Yes, Mummy." Silver answered, dutifully, before whispering again to Amy; "Still was fucking cool floating around in space though! I got to ride a comet! Hehehehe."

Humphrey could only watch his daughter's eyes shine like fireworks at the very idea. He looked down, to the girls hands, how they were still gripping onto each other. At first, he'd merely put it down to the witchling being blind and relying on touch. But Amy....she was holding just as tight onto Silver. Like a girl lost afloat at sea, clinging to a lifeline.

His unbeating heart began to twist, first with sadness. Sadness that he'd never seen his little girl look half as happy back in their rooms. Then envy. Envy at this blind urchin, that she had brought his Amy to smile and laugh when he could not. And then, most devastating of all, a revelation.

His own father had done everything to mould Humphrey's life to how he desired it to be. It hadn't mattered what reluctance the boy had or the misery of his daughter-in-law. They had been mere pawns in his own game, ready to be either promoted when reaching his desires, or sacrificed for letting him down.

Closing his eyes, he faced the image of the man, and silently declared that he could sod his fucking legacy.

Humphrey Bone would not become his father.

"You should stay."

The girls' laughter stopped immediately. The witch's smoke seemed to still around her. Even the beast let out a grunt of surprise.

"Mmmf?" Amy blinked at the man.

Humphrey forced a smile; "I said you should stay here, Amy. You...You're happy here. You're laughing. I...I want you to keep laughing, Poppet. There's nothing to make you laugh back in that house. There's only fear and hiding and your old dad being a useless worry who can't keep his own head on straight!"

"Cloaked one..." Mary began.

"Please." He faced the witch with as much bravery in his heart as when he'd held the door for Sophie to escape; "Just take her. Don't make me have to disown her so she's an orphan and you'll have no choice. It's what you do, isn't it? I see it now, really I do. You're not a monster. You're...Huh." He looked at Silver, fondly; "You're a mum."

Amy remained frozen still in her friend's grasp, staring at the Tudor, unsure of what to say, or perhaps not believing he had done a complete one eighty.

He was....letting her go? Just as she asked?

It wasn't quite what she had meant when she'd said those words. Letting go had meant leaving this place, the house and woods included. It meant going home to her old life, to her shitty mum that she still loved, to her friend Shan, to being...normal again.

That was before she'd learned about the wall. Before she'd properly met her new friend, before going on the craziest but wonderful adventure her mother's magic could create for them.

Silver disrupted her thoughts with a shrill cry of excitement, bouncing on her toes.

"Yes! Yes! That's perfect! See, Ames? You don't have to go back! You can stay out here with me, hahahaha!" The witchling squealed, "You can smell Kit Kats and Monster drinks every day! You can get to know all the imps and sprites and, oh, I didn't even introduce you to the vampires yet, did I?! And of course you can play with the dragons-."

"Little'en-." Mary tried to interject.

"I also know this guy Nik! He's a talking stick! I know that sounds weird but he's actually pretty funny and I dunno why, I just feel like you would get on with him-."

"Silver Ravenstar Guppy!"

The witchling immediately closed her mouth. Mummy never addressed her with her full name unless it was serious.

Mary sighed; "This not be your decision to make, darling girl."

"But...But Mummy, he's letting her go. And she wants to leave, that's how she found me, she was running away! Both times! Won't you take her in, Mummy?"

"Of course I woulds, sweet child, in the beat of mousies heart I woulds." The witch said with surprising endearment for such a grotesque wraith of a being; "But this be a choice between Amy and her father."

"Good, because Amy doesn't want to stay there anymore, do you Ames?" Silver looked to her friend, giving her wrist a squeeze.

Silence. Not so much as a gurgle.

Silver blinked; "Amy?"

"Mmmf." It was all the other teen could say. The one muffled syllable ringing with uncertainty.

She took Silver's hand and turned it, writing into her palm.

N..O...T.......S....U...R...E.

"Not sure? Why not? I don't understand....Didn't you have fun?"

Another groan along with a nod, her hands squeezing Silver's.

"Do you...want us to be friends?"

Yes. Of course, fucking yes.

She prodded her finger into the pale flesh again.

"Still...family..." Silver spoke the words she felt drawn into her. The laugh that followed rang with sadness and understanding; "Oh. Of course....You don't wanna leave your daddy."

Silver let her go.

"And I don't wanna leave you, Poppet. Never in a million years." Humphrey moved closer to Amy, voice breaking, "But Dads have to do the right thing for their children. I told myself I was keeping you inside for your own good and because of what your mum wanted but...Truth is, it was all about me. Because I was scared of losing the only family I had left. That was wrong of me, sweetheart. Please. I am so sorry."

Amy closed her eyes as tears began to fall. Why was this upsetting her so much? He wasn't her father. The wife he kept talking about wasn't her mum. And yet...all his words felt more real the more he spoke, the more time she spent in this world, his distorted reality mixing with her own until she struggled to remember which was real.

Was this how it had been for Silver? She had talked how she refused to believe she was the witch's daughter at first, whenever she sobered up from her high, how the witch's claim on her having been kidnapped made no sense, until eventually she accepted it. A dash of Stockholm syndrome. Was that what this was? How could she trust anything she was feeling, including the pull of affection for this man that her heart so desperately wanted to call Dad?

Humphrey reached out to stroke the top of her head.

"Go with them, Poppet. The witch and her beast will do a better job at protecting you from the guards than I could. Don't worry about Mum, I'll send for you once she's back. If she's cross, I'll take the brunt of it. And you'll get to have a best friend with you. The sister that me and your mum should have given you." He tried to encourage, though it was clearly torture for him to do so.

The conflicted teenager leaned into his paternal touch, suddenly desperate for the fatherly affection she'd never experienced in life.

Glancing over to the witch and the feral man, she didn't see any desire for familial care in either of them. They both seemed indifferent to her, willing to tolerate her, maybe even be civil and polite, but the witch had clearly given most of what remained of her heart over to loving Silver. And the ancient creature...she could relate to how he closed himself off and acted scary to guard himself, but she was unsure if he'd truly care for her.

But then there was Silver. Silver, who was still looking unfocused in her direction, buzzing with hope and anticipation that Amy would agree to stay. The temptation was definitely there. To be free to have this land to roam instead of the house where there's so many to avoid. To be able to live in a fantasy land and ride dragons and sniff her beloved Monster. To have a best friend always at her side...

Why did it have to be an 'either or' situation? Why couldn't she-?

Silver's knees suddenly gave way and she crumpled to the floor.

"Mff?!" Amy's eyes widened as she reached for her friend.

"Child? You all right?!" Humphrey stepped forward.

Silver pushed herself to sit upright; "Don't worry, Mr. Lord Amy's dad, I....I'm fi.....Ahh."

The girl stretched her arms as she let out one of the biggest yawns Amy had ever seen.

Mary tutted as she moved towards her child; "Darling girl, did yous forget what the hour be?"

Silver frowned and rubbed at her eyes.

"Wha-? No, I...."

She looked to her mother, who was pointing to the sky, to the shades of pink and light blue staining image of night. But it was the sound of the birds performing their morning chorus that informed her.

"Oh....Hehehehe....Shit."

Her head rolled forward, looking as though it was too heavy for her to keep up.

Humphrey frowned with concern, instinct compelling him to ignore everything he said before and put his arm around Amy.

"What's this? What's happening?" He asked.

"Mmmf?" Amy groaned and then signed, hoping that the other adults, not just Humphrey could understand.

Is she okay?

"Do not despair, either of ye. T'is my little girl's affliction. I take it you did not tell your friend of the curse, sweetling?" Mary asked, stroking her daughter's hair as the girl knelt at her feet.

Silver weakly shook her head; "No, Mummy...D-idn't wanna spoil it..."

Yawning again, she leant against her mother's tattered skirt, struggling to keep her eyes open.

"Curse? What's this about a curse?!"

By the sound of the panic in Humphrey's voice, he was ready to completely go back on his 'sacrifice'.

"Calm yeself, cloaked one. It be no danger to you or your little'en." The witch reassured, "My Silver was born into this world with this bane. Did ye not wonder why she only graces the field with her melodic singing once per month? The rest of the time, she sleeps soundly beneath the waxing and waning moon. Only when the lunar light shines full doth she rise, for three nights and two days."

Silver huffed and managed to look up towards Amy.

"Sucks arse, right? Basically m'gonna go into a coma for the next four weeks. Hehehehe." She snickered.

At Amy's mumble of concern, Silver felt a surge of energy and reached out to her friend.

"Hey, hey, it's fine, Ames, honest! I have the most kickass dreams and....basically get to do all that cool stuff we did tonight but in my head. Won't be as fun without you there but....maybe you can find me when you go to sleep each night, hehehehe? Or....maybe we can do it again when I wake up next month? If...if you like..."

The surge didn't last long, with Silver nearly falling forward onto her face. She was saved by the beast man rushing forward and lifting her up, manoeuvring her onto his back and gripping her arms around his neck.

Once upon a time, his Mistress would have had to command him to do this for the cub. Now it's as natural as breathing.

Silver giggles and nuzzles into his mane; "Good pillow. Thank you, Fluff."

The witch continued to stroke Silver's hair.

"Doth this change your decision, girl?" She asked Amy; "Or yours, cloaked one? Do not misunderstand, if you both truly desire to part ways and for Amy to live with us, she will be most cared for. But I have not the strength to fill her head with jovial fantasies every day. It can be a very dark and lonely life here amongst the woods with eyes such as ours, eyes unable to avoid the bleakness. And my darling girl, your friend, shall be silent and sleeping nearly all the time, 'cept those precious five and fifty hours she returns to us..."

"Ah." Humphrey's response seemed to say enough.

He was much less keen to abandon his daughter to the witch if it meant her friend would hardly be awake to stay with her.

"Ah indeed, cloaked one." Mary manages a smile. She gazes at Amy, reaching out a tendril of smoke to stroke her cheek; "Forgive me, dear girl. I was jealous to begin with, when my daughter did desire to spend time with thee. Do you gets why now? For but a short time each month do I spend with my darling girl....and, like a greedy fool, I dids not wish to sacrifice any of that for her to be happy with another..."

A sleepy Silver reached out to grip the witch's bony hand; "Silly Mummy, hehehehe."

"Yes, little'en. Silly Mummy." Mary lightly tickled Silver under her chin.

Humphrey squeezed Amy's shoulder.

"It's...still up to you, Poppet." He said, swallowing that resurgence of fear; "It doesn't change how miserable you were with me. You might be happier here with the wi...Uh, with Silver's mum and their....pet?"

The beast man growled.

"Sorry! Sorry, I meant...friend." Humphrey corrected.

Amy huffed through her nose.

She walked up to Silver, resting on the feral man's back, ready to nod off at any moment.

Gently, she took her hand, the creature barely reacting to the intrusion on his charge.

"Gotta...stay....He's...all...alone....Needs...me." Silver read, weakly, then smiled; "Yeah. That makes sense....He seems like a good daddy. Hehehe..." Even her compulsive laughter was starting to quieten before she yawned again; "Find K-Kitty...She's in a room close to you...S'just as lonely as us. She...needs a friend as cool as you, Fizzy Girl...."

Amy smiled and took her palm again, prodding lightly.

"Dragon...race...next...month?" Silver's eyes sparked and she grinned; "F-fuck yeah! W-won't....miss it...."

Her arm went limp, hanging uselessly over the beast's shoulder.

The lightest snoring sound against his mane told them all she was gone. For now.

Amy frowned, giving her friend the slightest nudge to the forehead. Silver didn't so much as stir.

"It be all right, child. Is learned to no longer fear for my girl. She only rests." With a wave of her hand, the witch summoned a cloud of smoke and harmless sparks to lift Silver off the creature's back and carry her in mid air.

Humphrey stared in awe at the teenager hovering peacefully, skirt and overshirt wafting beneath her, a contented smile on her pale and bleeding face.

Amy tried to shake off the unease and disturbance she felt seeing the first true friend she'd made now trapped in sleep for a whole month. She insisted she was fine and that she would have her dreams but...fuck. There was a horror to such a fate that couldn't be avoided.

And then there was her last words. Kitty. Who the fuck was Kitty? Should she ask the grown ups or could she trust them not to gaslight her?

It was frustrating to think she'd have to wait four weeks to speak to Silver again, if she doesn't manage to find this girl on her own.

"I needs to tuck my daughter into her bed and see that she's comfy." The witch told them; "You are certain in your decision, young Amy?"

The teenager looked back to the Tudor. Then back to the witch.

She nodded.

Something close to a smile appeared on the witch's burned skull; "T'is settled then. If you wish to visit my girl at the next full moon...or ifs you desire a reprieve from indoors and your da permits...you is more than welcome." She looked to the beast; "Come, sweet ally. You knows the little'en doth love to cuddle thee for the first day she sleeps."

The creature grunted, sounding none too thrilled at the idea of being used as a teddy bear for the witch's child, but following regardless, accepting his fate. He gave Amy and Humphrey one last nod. They were both deemed safe in his view, no longer any threat to his Mistress or her....their cub.

Humphrey watched the witch disappear into the trees, her sleeping daughter floating at her side, the beast man skulking on his knuckles behind her. In the blink of an eye, a plume of smoke was all that remained of their presence there.

He laid a hand on Amy's shoulder and turned him to her.

"Are you....Are you sure, Poppet? You....You sure you wanna stay with your lame old man?" He sounded dumbfounded at the very idea.

It was rather adorable, causing Amy to smile. Her bulging eyes shone with that same joy he had seen Silver's jokes spark in her earlier.

Now for...him?!

She threw herself into him, wrapping her arms around his middle. Her nose ignored the blood on his front as she nestled into the fur lining of his cloak.

He felt her write the words into his chest.

I'm...sure...Dad.

Humphrey burst into tears.

[inaris-mage-of-storms]

(tl;dr - if you've ever read something I wrote and enjoyed it even a little? I love you.)

I turned 33 today, and I'm thinking about dreams.

When I was in first grade, our teacher gave us an assignment to write a story and we would use cereal boxes to make a little book out of it. And something clicked in my little six-year-old brain - you mean you can just make books?? Anyone can just write down a story? I was already devouring every book I could get my hands on, and from the moment I realized I could be an active part of the storytelling I adored so much, I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote.

I wrote in my free time. I wrote in my school journals. I discovered fanfiction, and I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. And I dreamed. I crafted new characters and wove new worlds and dreamed about being a published author. It wasn't my only dream - I cycled through teacher barrel racer book editor psychologist programmer historian one by one - but it was my most constant and most persistent dream. I had doubts about every desire but that one. As long as I could write, I would be okay.

My entire life has been one survival situation after another. There were external monsters and internal monsters and every birthday came as a surprise. One by one, every dream I had fell by the wayside. Whether it was about a career that didn't involve a cash register or about living somewhere I could make feel like home or about who I wanted to be inside, they all got smaller and smaller until they dropped away entirely. I was so. fucking. tired. But I wrote. And as long as I could write, I would be okay.

And then somewhere, that stopped too.

I tried. Sometimes I sat up and sifted through the ashes of my dreams for the words I loved so much. Sometimes I even managed to get one down, and then another, and wondered if that was the glow of an ember I saw. I picked it up and tried to breathe life into it and it crumbled away again in my hands. And again, and again.

In the fall of 2021, I dropped out of college for the third time, one final course short of my degree. Another dream dead, and I was almost surprised that it wasn't a surprise this time. I got a job that lasted all of two weeks. I lost my cat, my best friend of 15 years I'd raised since the day she was born. My wife and I depleted our savings again on bills and groceries; a decade of living apart and still nothing to show for it. I was so. fucking. tired.

I didn't write. Hadn't written for a long time. What was the point?

But I still read, even if infrequently, because a love for stories is woven into my soul as strongly as my grandmother's eyes and my mother's cheekbones are woven into my DNA. And I still wrote stories in my head, little flickers of ideas that glowed even as I feared touching them lest they crumble again.

And then one night, one of those stories glowed a little stronger than the others, and I thought...why not? It was late, and I didn't want to get out my laptop, and it wasn't a Yu Yu Hakusho fic so I couldn't ask for feedback in the only discord I spent any real time in, and I thought...why not?

So in 2022 I took the words from my head and put them on Tumblr, and went to sleep. I didn't expect any response, really, maybe a couple of likes from the few, new, MCYT mutuals I had at the time if I was lucky. It didn't matter, because it was just another stubborn ember that I picked up just long enough to move it aside so I could sleep, and surely it would be dead by morning.

It got those couple of likes. And then a couple more. And then some more. And it got reblogs. It got tags.

(tag credits, in order: mochiwrites / sleepygaming / totallynotpuri / boatemmyboatem / actuallymothman / girltimeswithscar / mags-the-bug / crazypercheron)

It was 700 barely-spellchecked words I posted on a whim, and people liked it. Authors whose works I read and thought "I wish I could write that well" liked it. I personally didn't think it was very good, but it was good enough, and I had more ideas, so...I wrote. And wrote, and wrote, and wrote.

Somewhere in the last 15 months, I found my dream again.

Somewhere in the last 15 months, I started believing your words.

I can still see all the cracks and flaws and rough edges in everything I write. But I can see the good things in it now, too. Because, well, if you didn't like it at least a little bit, you'd have just scrolled on past, right? And I can improve what needs improving. I can write fanfiction to hone my craft and find a community, and maybe even pick up original writing again. I can write. And if I can write? I'll be okay.

Everyone who's left a comment, a tag, even just a like or a kudos - you've helped breathe life into that little ember I thought was long dead. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love you. <3