#they were onto smth when they said not to trust how u feel abt ur life after 9pm lol
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feeling a bit sad tonight
#i can't believe summer is basically over#i feel like i hardly spent time w friends n did anything really#like i know i did but still idk#and i'm sad because i feel so disconnected from everyone right now#like idk i feel like ive made so much progress this year mentally but i have no one to talk abt it with which is sad#and just in general the things going on in my life#they were onto smth when they said not to trust how u feel abt ur life after 9pm lol#i'm actually really looking forward to sept / autumn and im doing okay its just idk#diary#tiyas thoughts
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hiii it's sleepover anon again :â) another long update ahahah. i was able to talk to them the day after my bday thru vid call!
they basically said that they were talking abt me bc it was just randomly brought up when they were tgt waiting for me to arrive to bff1's house on the day of the sleepover/dinner party, and they thought that me being delusional over the guy was funny.. i mean, sure yeah it is pretty funny but 1) someone *must* have brought it up bc how else would that convo even happen while they were waiting for me đ i don't believe it was "random".. 2) they were still laughing abt me behind my back ? i mean, yk we could've done that together lol bc i rly was silly ngl. but i said that i'm not ashamed about it even if they think i was being too much bc first of all that guy actually showed interest and he implied lots of times that he did like me sooooo it's only natural to feel that way ? đ i wasn't going to not let myself not feel anything abt it bc i just wanted to have fun đ and even if he was sus, which we all thought at first b4 i got close to him, i stuck around w him bc he was the only person i knew in one of my classes cuz we were also classmates in the previous term.. then we got close bc we helped each other n yk stuff happened but it was also for the sake of common decency. and i rly was just fucking around to find out bc i wanted to know even tho he was sus.. and now i know and there's actual proof that he's just not it. i wasn't going to cut him off or smth without reason or proof lol i'd end up being the bad guy despite what we all thought ab him at first :// but now i do have a good enough reason that i can back up n thats why i stopped talking to him. simple as that
also bff2 alr felt bad enough bc she realized that drunk her isn't a good person so i didn't feel the need to crush her abt the stuff she said abt our other friend lmaooo.. i could've but nah she was alr depressed enough i'm just glad she's aware now. i did mention it tho and i said it was just plain mean..
but it's also quite funny to think they were making fun of me for being so head over heels when they don't even have experience đ they don't even know what it's like to have someone interested in them at least.. like one time when i was talking to him for like 2 whole days, bff2 once told me she was jelly of me and him bc she's never gotten to talking stage w anyone.. n then after all that they were laughing abt me like lol ok :\\
anw i just told them that i don't appreciate how they talked abt me without my presence bc whatever they said to each other was smth they could actually say to my face.. it's smth i'd laugh abt too yknow.. but they apologized tho which is good but honestly i don't rly trust them now after all that.. their insecurities spilled onto their perception of me + our other friend like yikes i don't rly want insecure friends who laugh abt me behind my back i want supportive and non-judgmental ones!! it's not even hard to be kind đ glad i went to that sleepover n that i went thru him tho even tho it was just bs bc i found out the truth abt my friends.. bottom line is i don't have trustworthy friends so i'm just going to keep my distance.. we r still 'friends' i don't want to cut them off but i'm just not telling them anything anymore and i'm not talking to them unless they msg to talk to me first or if i need them for smth lol
anw thats it for this whole drama thank you sm for listening omg HAHAH đđđđ also jsyk i am one of the emoji anons haha i just didn't rly want to associate the drama w it but yes. tysm for the safe space u created on here<33 and thank you for taking ur time to always talk to us even if it's a lot to go thru one by oneđ„čđ«¶đ«â€ïžâđ©č
WAIT UR AN EMPJI ANON?????? NAH CAUSE NOW IM TRYA FIGURE IT OUT
also!!! letâs go boundary queen!!! nice to know it was all bc theyâre jealous.
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oosdkk dude im sorry ur mood dropped too.. i hope u feel better soon <3 but like i wld love 2 hear more abt ur thoughts on Art in general bc Boy Is He Interesting, and also a lil more abt Daniel coming out as nonbinary to his dad (whether he knows Eric is trans or not at that moment skjdfhdskf)! + if ur feelin it just more abt Mallick in general ESP cuz we agree that Brit doesn't make it thru V
djhfjdks thank u sm <3
okay Art first. I genuinely wonder abt him so much, something in specific I think abt is that aside frm Amanda (+ Eric, obviously, but talkin abt disciples) Art is one of the only trap victims EVER 2 be tested twice and itâs like... whatâs that abt? Why? as uâve said b4 it rly depends on how you personally view his character: whether heâs a disciple or not. fr me, both options are equally plausible, n honestly I donât rly confine myself to either; it sorta depends on what Iâm feeling/writing. if weâre talking abt art being a disciple, then the Spinecutter not going off (one of my BIGGEST questions) makes total sense, as Hoffmanâs side of the trap was never set up to work either, + Jigsaw disciples have a history (aside from Lawrence) of appearing as victims in other tests/traps. if he were not just another pawn and was in fact a disciple himself, then the Spinecutter was never meant to go off - it was there just to make Eric think it COULD go off/make it look convincing to outsiders. which brings me to ANOTHER question: what does Art know abt Eric? does he know anything? what does he think of Eric?
(lil side note: if Art is a disciple, then I kinda wonder if itâs a lil bit of a Hoffman + Lawrence situation where Hoffman didnât know abt Art either? just bc he looks so shocked when he sees Artâs face fully fr the first time... that couldâve just been acting on Hoffmanâs part but IDK. food fr thought)
personally, I feel like Art probably does know a lil bit abt Eric - at the very least, heâd know tht Eric had been previously tested + failed by Johnâs rules, but then I feel that he wld also know Eric didnât rly have a chance in his second test. that is why Art trying so fucking hard to keep Eric alive is interesting 2 me: what is his motivation 2 do that? like heâs been told Ericâs basically just there to get Rigg to participate, he doesnât have any personal obligation or anything like that. sure, the aim is to keep Eric alive + see if Rigg can pass his âtest,â but nobody said anything about grabbing a man you barely know around his ankles to keep him frm hanging himself w a noose made of chains. nobody said anything abt speaking to him so softly, not even raising your voice beyond saying âhey,â and asking him do you understand? when you tell him to keep still and prevent him frm killing his counterpart (which, if Art is a disciple, he knows it wonât, but he still speaks to Eric so softly, so compassionately, doesnât he?)
nobody said anything abt grabbing him around the waist and steadying him again after being punched by said man. but Art does that. he stabilizes Ericâs feet on the ice as best he can and he keeps his hips straight and he basically says âlook, weâre all stuck here, you need to keep it together âtil that clock counts down if you want us to live, but Iâm giving you a choice,â and he presses the gun w the single bullet into Ericâs hands and tells him itâs up to him. nobody said Art had to care but he does, I think, and itâs just like. he really didnât have to keep Eric alive over the course of Riggâs test. he didnât. but he did and I just,, where does it come from? why does he care? this is even going beyond the fact that weâve talked abt them being together after their test in a scenario where they both survive - I just think that Art at his core is a very stubborn but very compassionate person, whether he wants 2 be or not. like he HAS to know that kind of involvement cld prove to be extremely detrimental but he cares. I feel like that says a lot abt him (even if he does call Eric an asshole a couple times while doing it,,).
plus I also just. I think his reason for being tested (as it seems to be in most cases) is extremely flimsy. he was doing his job. heâs a LAWYER. often times it has nothing 2 do w personal feelings; theyâre there to do their job and sometimes, unfortunately, that is defending possibly reprehensible people (in cases like Rexâs & Ivanâs). + John was already upset w him regarding their argument abt the urban renewal group so like it just feels So Very Petty, yâknow?? even in the scenario where he IS a disciple, testing him twice seems entirely like John having a personal vendetta against him. Amanda is the only other person to be tested twice aside from Eric, so like. what. is that abt Mr. Kramer.
like Iâve said b4 in dms one could argue that Art is grey morally, bc we never rly see anything of him outside of flashbacks + acting as a test controller in IV, esp given that he... rly doesnât seem too bothered abt it all? which is fair. but I also feel like the concern he shows towards Eric is smth to be considered as well.
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+ YESS NONBINARY DANIEL I know Iâve mentioned it b4 but for reference, I read Daniel as masc nonbinary (he/they)! so I feel like Daniel wld b pretty comfortable w his identity, heâs never rly had a reason not to be (itâs rly anyoneâs guess here tho bc we never see Eric + Daniel + Kate... as a family unit, for obvious reasons), so I feel like heâs vry chill abt it? and in the scenario where Eric survives n is dating Adam, I feel like Daniel wld talk 2 him abt it first (Adam is an adult they quickly come to trust + heâs vocal abt being trans himself so thereâs that added layer of understanding - other than his mom maybe Adam might b the first person they come out 2). theyâre just kinda like âso I wanna tell my dad Iâm nonbinary but like Iâve literally never thought abt coming out what do I doâ and Adamâs just like. Aha. bc he knows Eric is Also Trans so like, he doesnât tell Daniel that bc itâs not his info to share, but heâs definitely like âoh itâll totally be fine. trust me you have no reason to worryâ so Danielâs just like Okay. I Got This
+ I know I mentioned this in dms but Daniel wld absolutely wear those floral ripped hem skirts over jeans, so I feel like on one of his visits to his dadâs, he just. wears that combined w a completely random niche graphic tee he bought when shopping w Adam (I adore this hc n I am Holding Onto It) n is just like. not super open abt it bc he doesnât know what to expect? he just kinda waits fr Eric to comment on it but when he doesnât, Daniel gets nervous n is like âdo I look okay?â and Ericâs rly chill abt it, like âyeah! it looks vry cool, vry alternative.â n like Daniel is relieved, of course, but also heâs just like God Pls Say Something so he just comes out w it like âokay this is not working. Iâm nonbinary.â
and heâs COMPLETELY SHOCKED when Eric is just like âoh why didnât u say so? do u have a different name u wanna go by? is Daniel still okay?â bc he wasnât sure how much Eric knew, so heâs just like âuh no Daniel is still good, he/they pronouns thoughâ and Ericâs just like alright cool but internally Danielâs just like ??????
n THAT is when Eric asks him 2 come sit out on th front steps w him n is just like. âI donât think I ever told u this but Iâm trans. I transitioned during training in my early 20sâ n Daniel is nodding while internally heâs like Adam Iâm gonna throttle u. he worked himself up fr NOTHING. he just kinda laughs abt it and Eric is like âare u good?â âcause heâs a lil worried but then Daniel just smiles and is like âyeah Iâm fine! just realizing I had nothing 2 be worried abtâ and itâs a rly good moment fr them. they sit out there together talking abt their experiences for quite a while n at some point Adam steps outside 2 find them deep in conversation + he just smiles n goes back inside bc he cares abt them both so much and seeing them talk like that makes him so đđ (Eric is SO PROUD u can see it on his face)
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ohhh gosh Mallick,,, I spend a lot of time thinking abt him actually. heâs just one of those characters I feel vry connected to (me đ€ Mallick: Ambiguous Disorder đ) n one I got surprisingly attached to? hello (he IS one of my f/os)
I feel like Mallick is a very lonely person at his core. the way he sort of clings to Brit (w out the whole like. adrenaline of being in very very real danger w ppl trying to kill u SEVERAL TIMES) somewhat confirms this fr me. this is someone who has no reason to look out fr him, no reason to keep protecting him when their fellow captives hit him over th head w a club or attempt to push him into a bathtub to ELECTROCUTE him, but she keeps doing it and heâs just. in awe of it a little bit? âcause she could just let Charles knock him tf out or let Luba push him in but she fights for him, some1 she has no obligation to n met fr the first time literally when they woke up.
the moment they share b4 they stick their arms into the saws to activate the 10 Pints of Sacrifice is so very vulnerable and maybe even a little tender. yes he calls her a monster, yes she calls him one back, neither of them deny it. itâs an admission and an acceptance. theyâre monsters, sure, fine, okay. but they are monsters and they are in this together. Brit tells Mallick itâs okay when he says he canât do this alone. she says okay, okay, itâs okay, weâll go together. and they help each other secure their tourniquets and they stick their hands in together bc itâs the two of them, literally hand in hand, fighting for their lives n for each other n theyâre in so so much pain but they are doing it TOGETHER. I lose it thinking abt it!!! they even have a head bonk moment!!! I very much feel like it has some cinematic parallels to Adam & Lawrenceâs moment in SAW 2004!!!!
+ as u mentioned, we both share the thought that Brit likely died since she wasnât present at Bobbyâs meetings, and. I want to touch on how fucking despondent and lost Mallick looks when we see him again in 3D. lights on but no oneâs home. I feel like for Mallick, losing Brit was losing the first chance at a real connection heâs had in god knows how long - and for him, thatâs just very shattering. heâs been thru hell, heâs watched three people die right in front of him, he sawed his ARM IN HALF, n the person he went through all of that with didnât make it. but he did. and I feel like for Mallick thatâs just like... he doesnât understand it. but he feels even lonelier than he ever has b4 because the One Person who was there w him thru it all, the one person who could ever possibly understand what happened that night, is gone.
the Mallick we see in V would NEVER sit down n willingly listen to Bobby Dagenâs bullshit abt loving yr scars n taking pride in the fact u survived. he wld hate that man with a passion n I am very much sure of this. the fact that heâs sitting in that chair looking numb and glassy-eyed and silent? Mallick is trying to find some1 to connect to, find a place where maybe he belongs. trying to fill that hole that losing Brit made. why else wld he be sitting there, listening to someone he would ordinarily tell to shove his self-love bullshit up his ass? heâs lost. heâs just trying to keep his head above water and find a way to shore even though everything in him is fighting not to. heâs adrift without her.
+ ALTERNATIVELY, bc the reality of that is just. crushing n maybe not where I needed 2 go, in the scenario where Brit survived + just doesnât want to put up w Bobbyâs bullshit, I imagine them to actually move in together after a lil bit of time getting 2 know each other better w out the pressure of âoh god weâre gonna die.â she kinda helps him build up a sense of self-worth bc GOD itâs practically non-existent n thinking abt possible reasons why makes me sad. sheâs definitely just like âno, you do deserve to be cared for and you deserve help when you need it, you deserve good things n to be happy.â she just kinds shuts it down while still making sure to talk 2 him abt WHY he feels that way (sheâs not dismissing, but sheâs trying to nip it in th bud) n Mallick is just like. huh. bc no oneâs really done that fr him before. but it rly does end up helping in the long run, even if it is a very slow pace toward actually getting 2 a place where he recognizes his own worth + realizes he deserves all the things he wants Brit 2 have too. theyâre there for each other thru thick n thin and if they made it thru their game, they can make it thru anything.
#saw#art#daniel#eric#adam#mallick#brit#thank u so much I rly appreciated this#n it helped me get my mind off things a little#I'm rly glad my ask helped u too!!! mutual support hours#long post#thoughts separated by dashes bc I had Way More than I thought I did oops#asks
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* justice smith, demi man + he/they | you know gabriel de leon, right? theyâre twenty three, and theyâve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 1984 (infinite jest) by the used like, a million times this year, which makes sense âcause theyâve got that whole waking up in a body as heavy as the dead, emotions always on the verge of spilling over - you laugh before the punch lands, the belief that every encounter you have will be the last thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so theyâre a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )
hi im just reposting gabeâs intro bc its been a very long time n im starting a little fresh hehe. yes i do regret the text color bt im not going back.
VIOLENCE TW
mini playlist.
ghosting ;; mother mother / roam the room ;; citizen / art of doubt ;; metric / thnks fr th mmrs ;; fall out boy / heart in a cage ;; the strokes / where is my mind? ;; the pixies / flowers grow out of my grave ;; dead manâs bones / 1984 (infinite jest) ;; the used / blister in the sun ;; the violent femmes.
statistics.
full name: gabriel de leon.
nickname(s): gabe.
birthday: october 31st, 1997.
zodiac: scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini ascending.
label: the icarian.
hometown: belleville, new jersey.
sexuality: bisexual (masc-leaning).
pinterest.
biography.
itâs only rly ever been gabe n his mom n the little new jersey suburbs that r always the same no matter where they go. they dnât speak abt fathers or brothers or spain or anywhere other than the now, and how its constantly changing bt oddly the same.
his momâs name is sonia n we love her. she worked a lot as a single mom n p much hs done everything on her own ever since leaving spain.
they dnât talk abt spain bt we cn talk abt spain n hw sonia hd grown up partially there n partially in the states n hw sheâd originally planned to live there forever bt the man sheâd fallen in love with ws involved in some. high class dangerous shit n it ws safer fr them to part even if tht involved leaving everything she knew n loved <3
bt its like. ok. bc she hd gabe <3 n they dnt talk abt it so it practically nvr happened. n she tries her best as a mom n usually tht is enough.
they moved around a lot just bc sonia is a very. flighty person. anxious bt nvr seems tht way is just always. tense. gabe didnt think she ws capable of relaxing fr. a rly long time.
she wld commute 2 nyc every morning n after school gabe wld climb onto the train n by the time he got 2 her place of work sheâd be just getting off n theyâd get a slice of pizza n sometimes theyâd go somewhere like central park or coney island (just fr the novelty) bt most of the time they just got back on the train home w/ gabe either doing homework or napping on her shoulder.
when gabe got a little older heâd sometimes skip school n take the train after sonia had already gone so he cld spend the day in nyc. he liked learning bt didnt rly like school. he nvr properly fit in bc of the amt of times theyâd move so it felt like nowhere ws. right fr him.
got rly involved in. the punk scene as a young unsupervised teenager n tht led 2 a lot of like. shitty stick n pokes bt also a love of. very loud angry music n a sense of justice tht he held tightly in his fists. got mouthy towards bullies whether at school or in the scenes he involved himself in n started getting into a lot of fights bc of it.
during this, sonia ended up dating n marrying gabeâs stepdad who he calls craig sometimes bt i dnt think thats his name i wont lie to u guys. its partially a joke n partially purposeful disrespect bc gabriel does not trust a single man bt like. man. âcraigâ is just an accountant. heâs fine heâs a good dude. they once bonded over like. the mets.
violence tw // anyways. when gabriel ws 16 he got into a super super bad fight tht ended rly. terribly n like listen. nobody died bt it ws just. it got blown up very out of proportion n gabe mightâve gotten expelled even tho he wsnt even the one who started it bt thts okay. âcraigâ, or paul, suggested tht maybe. a change of scenery wld b good fr gabe n b4 they knew it they were. moving to paul-robertâs hometown of irving, north carolina. violence end of tw //
he wldâve complained more bt. fr soniaâs sake gabe kept it 2 himself. it made her happy 2 see them all get along anyways n like. idk he cld put forth tht little effort <3
bt honestly like. he didnt rly get into too many fights once they moved down here n even tho sometimes he ws like. ommgg. i hate this town .. its so washed up .. he still made friends n like. the only thing tht changed ws tht it ws a lil harder fr him 2 acquire illegal substances.
anyways. currently he hs a tattoo apprenticeship n is a professional piercer n like. he plays guitar n writes songs bt thts more of a hobby rn than anything else. mostly focused on paying his rent at port apartments bc as much as he. loves his mom he does not want 2 live with her forever <3 n thts okay!
personality & facts.
overall xtremely passionate person like god. feels emotions so intensely. every time he opens his mouth n talks abt an interest of theirs its just very like. u listen n ur like oh. gained 2 inspiration. thanks.
clings onto his friends p tightly bc he like. nvr rly stayed in one place fr super super long in new jersey so he nvr made very long term friends n now hes like. very clingy HLKDSHLKFSHLKDG also hates to b alone. subtle desperation behind interactions with ppl he rly wld like to be friends with.
like dnt get me wrong hes gotten into. sm fights bt thts mostly bc he cannot keep his mouth shut n he also cnt stand douchebags he like. always wants to tear them down prob bc he ws a victim of bullying. n u know what. we support him. otherwise he loves ppl bt esp if they hv similar interests 2 him.
like golden retriever who bites kind of. intensely loyal but at the same time is very skeptical. things tht good things do not last very long even though theyâve been doing already fr the last few years.
also bit of a nerd. they were nvr rly a big fan of school bt theres smth abt a good superhero comic tht draws their attention more than like. any english class evr. bt seven soldiers of victory? classic. big dc fan.
uh. very into like. hardcore music. hardcore rock. punk. if its loud n angry they r into it like so so much. hs sm tattoos is like. super covered in them its partially bc they work at a tattoo shop n partially bc they do not know hw to manage their money well.
ooohh u know what theyre. kinda moody i wont lie to u. very defensive like they dnt evr wna talk abt their past. has experienced Things n they do not wish to discuss them. will usually like. deflect frm conversations he doesnt wna hv.
in tune with nature. loves fkn taking walks. hangs out in the woods by abernathy creek n lilac ridge bc nobody rly goes there n its just. nice
tries not 2 take anything super seriously 2 the point where when he does take smth seriously its a little scary bc theyre super intense abt it. forcibly optimistic even tho on the inside he feels like a total pessimist. lots of. deep down insecurities tht he projects by attaching himself p firmly onto others. >.>
so so so energetic. can never stay still. always hs to be moving around. restless like tht. probably got it frm his mom. overly protective over the ppl he loves. probably got it frm his mom as well.
goes onto Tangents bt also divert frm those tangents n is generally all over the place.
always cold n always looks tired n like he hsnt slept in a thousand years n u know what. sometimes he just does not sleep.
oooohh theyre a vegan. totally into animal rights. devious little demi man beyond that .. loves horror n the paranormal n believes in like. every cryptic. will debate u on it.
erm not. the kindest 2 themself theyre a bit self destructive. impulsive. drives very fast n parties super hard. said i will hv my effy stonem moment. u dont hv to gabe.
bt ya! luvs oranges n reds n is maybe a short king. hs an eyebrow piercing n like. a lip ring i wont fk around here he IS living his best emo life in 2021. a little outdated on the trends bt thats okay. probably will tell u hes frm new jersey. its a personality trait. smokes the shittiest cigarettes ever.
wanted plots.
just ghosting along ,, dnt even exist 2 me ,, ;; god. firstly just the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs like. spoken to romantically n then dropped suddenly. n then maybe like. one tht actually Hurt bt they cnt avoid each other bt theyre actively pretending each other doesnt exist n its. hurtful bc it ws like. actually smth nice bt <3 ykno FKLFSDHG
hey hey heyy câmaahn iâm just a little guy ;; n this is the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs probably. pissed off n hs either fought or been on the verge of fighting just. unable 2 resist a good bicker-turned-duel.
just blistering in the sun ;; they cld b close friends bt also they cld also not b bt just ppl who. indulge in bad impulsive decisions with gabe. general bad influences on each otherâs health n just. no good! party hard bt at what cost.
n also ;; like ... rly solid good friendships ... flings n maybe an exe or two tht either ended on good terms or just. horrendous, ppl theyâve distanced frm, ppl also frm up north, piercing customers, bt not tattoo customers bc im p sure theyâd get fired if they were just tattooâing ppl willy nilly, etc.
#irvingintro#violence tw#(more of a brief mention)#bt still#jst reposting bc its been so long JFGDHFDSGSLFKG
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Who Cares?
Fandom: Jacksepticeye
Characters: Chase Brody, Doctor Henrik von Schneeplestein, Marvin the Magnificent, Jackieboy Man, Jameson Jackson, Antisepticeye
Content warning: a lot of mentions of depression, addiction, alcoholism, suicide mentions, suicidal thoughts
If I wasnât on mobile Iâd use the zalgo text for anti so instead itâs bolded
[[MORE]]
As soon as Chase closed the door to his bedroom he flopped onto the bed, his smiling and laughing expression he wore seconds ago with his family immediately replaced by a somber one. He took long, deep breaths, having a staring contest with the ceiling (it of course won). After... well he couldnât tell how long he laid like that - time seemed to slow and drag on forever but also go way too fast - he spoke so softly to himself that he barely heard himself speak. âAm I really depressed? Or is it just that Iâm reminding myself that Iâm supposed to be sad? I was just out there with everyone for hours and wasnât sad at all. Am I just faking it?â A lone tear escaped from his eye and he didnât bother to wipe it away.
He heard his phone vibrate, but didnât bother to check it. The only person that would be calling him is his therapistâs office, attempting to confirm a meeting he already planned on skipping. He went to one to humor Jackie, and of course he had to schedule another visit, but the whole time he knew that he wasnât going back. He would just be wasting his therapists time, and taking up space for people who really needed therapy.
His room wasnât far from the room where all the other egos were still gathered - he told the others that he was going to his room to plan the next bro average video (which he really should be doing anyway) - and he could faintly hear some conversations. From what he could piece together, they started playing Cards Against Humanity and somehow Jameson was winning, even though he didnât understand most of the cards. He could tell that they were having a lot of fun - a lot of fun without him.
âWould anyone even care if I-â he spoke, again, barely audible (he wondered if he even vocalized the words, or if they halted in his head). He had to stop himself short, not daring to finish the thought. âChase you idiot, you already tried to do it and you know what outcomes you would get. Doc would blame himself if he couldnât save you, Marvin would lock himself away in his room and refuse to come out, Jackie would take out all his emotions on fighting villains that were unbeatable, at least in his headspace, and Jamie would...â he trailed off, biting his lip. âThatâs right... he wasnât even here when I did it...â Chase blinked and violently shook his head. âPMA Chase... PMA... PMA... PM- ya know they can shove that up their arse. I need a fucking drink is what I need not some positivity bullshit,â he grumbled, going back to further examine his closet. There had to be something...
Huffing, he picked up a pair of shoes, put his hat back on his head, and wiped any evidence of tears off his face before walking out of his room. He took a deep breath right before he got to the room where all the egos were gathered - he was right about his guesses as to their activity - and strode to the door. Jackie looked up from the game as Chase walked past to get his coat. âHey Chase, whatâs up? Whereâre ya going?â He sensed something off about him (but it couldâve just been paranoia) and needed to make sure nothing happened to any of his brothers.
Chase blinked. He didnât expect any of them to notice and now all of them were staring at him and- âdeep breathsâ he thought to himself. âIâm just... going for a walk. Iâm stuck on trying to find a new idea and... need to clear my head.â
If Jackie still had his doubts, he kept them to himself. âYou have your phone on you right?â
Chase held up his phone as evidence, giving a âyupâ in response. With that, he walked out the front door. âOf fucking course itâs raining,â he muttered, heading towards one of the bars in town. He knew better than to try any of the ones close to the house, as they knew him and wouldnât contribute to his addiction. Finally, he ended up at one that he didnât even know existed, and figured it was worth a shot. He walked up to the bar and sat on the stool, surveying his options, pupils dilating by simply looking at the bottles. He told the bartender to âkeep em coming until Iâm so plastered Iâm falling off the chair.â
The bartender eyed him, as it was 4:30 pm on a Tuesday, but didnât question it, besides offering a ârough day?â
Chase nodded to that, âI guess you could call it that.â
The bartender handed him his drink. âIf you want to just drink your cares away, go ahead. But if you want an ear then Iâll be here.â
Chase took a long swig, then registered what the bartender was saying, growling slightly. âI donât need fucking therapy.â He finished his drink and felt his phone buzz in his pocket.
Baby Bean: âHello Chase, itâs Jameson. Please do let us know when you will be returning. Marvin wants to know when he should begin making dinner, as he does not want your food to get cold, although given his history, you might be better off eating while you are out! đ I also should tell you that, while I do not know for certain, I think that some of the others are fearing that you are out getting bent, but if you say youâre just going for a walk, then I believe you! âșïžđ Have a swell rest of your stroll!â
Chase sighed, grabbing the phone with his other hand. âWhat do I even say to this?â
âuh idk when iâll be back. tell marv not to worry about me and not to burn the place down. also ty jj it means a lot that u trust me like that. i just wish the others would tooâ he deleted the last sentence, not wanting his brothers to feel guilty over not trusting him, especially when they had every right to be doubtful - considering he was actually at a bar. It also hurt to see that Jameson trusted him, because that meant he was betraying his trust, and he drank another glass at the thought.
About 20 minutes later, he felt his phone vibrate again. Judging by how it was many texts all at once, he assumed it was Marvin before he even pulled out his phone.
Magic Man: âHeyâ
Magic Man: âIâm making dinner rnâ
Magic Man: âItâs mac and cheese and whatever frozen chicken we haveâ
Magic Man: âJamie said u were taking a longer walk but like itâs raining out and I donât want u to get sickâ
Magic Man: âPlz respond Chaseâ
Magic Man: âU there?â
âyo chill marvâ
âi stepped inside a store to get out of the rainâ
Magic Man: âDo u want one of us to pick u up??â
Magic Man: âIf u lmk wya I can teleport to uâ
Magic Man: âOr Iâm sure Hen or Jackie would drive to get u if u just wanted to drive backâ
Magic Man: âIk how u feel abt teleportingâ
Chase bit his lip before downing another glass. He forgot exactly what he was drinking, but it was alcohol and thatâs all he cared about. He didnât want to tell them that he was at a bar, not even thinking about how anyone could see or smell that he was drunk from a block away. He got another drink and almost forgot to respond before another message came through.
Magic Man: âChase?â
Magic Man: âPlz just tell me where u r so we can pick u upâ
âwhat so u can make fun of me??? nope iâll b home later. iâm gonna stay here a bit longer then WALK homeâ
Chase put his phone away, not wanting to see Marvinâs response and just wanting to see more alcohol in his hands.
It was probably about an hour later when the bartender finally cut him off. He said that he was told to stop him when he looked like he was going to fall out of the chair and so the bartender wasnât going to let him have any more. Plus his boss would be pissed if he let Chase leave any more intoxicated than he already was.
Chase stormed out of the bar and back into the rain before realizing he had no idea where we was. He looked around and tried to find something familiar but came up with absolutely nothing. He started walking in one direction, but it felt wrong, so he started in the opposite direction, which also felt wrong. So, he did what anyone else in his situation would do - he cried in the rain on the sidewalk of a basically empty street. After he felt he cried all he could, he looked at his notifications.
Baby Bean: 2 unread messages
Ze Best Doctah: 1 unread message
Magic Man: 13 unread messages, 2 missed calls
Spider-Man 2.0: 7 unread messages, 5 missed calls
Turtle: 1 unread message
âShit.â Chase mumbled, scanning through the messages.
Baby Bean: âHello Chase, Jameson again! đ You havenât responded to anyone and we are all very worried about you. Iâm hoping that your cellular device simply ran out of charge, but Jackie is informing me that when he tries to call you it would not ring as long as it is if your device has run out of battery.â
Baby Bean: âChase, itâs Jameson. Where are you? I am getting increasingly worried for your safety, as is everyone else. Please respond to one of us.â
Ze Best Doctah: âChase are you alright? You are scaring all of us. Do you need help? Or a ride? Marvin said you would not tell him where you were. I am praying you are not at a bar but right now I donât know what to think. I trusted you would be smart and safe but now Iâm not sure if you were either. Please call one of us when you see this.â
Magic Man: âChase y do u think I would make fun of u?â
Magic Man: âR u ok?â
Magic Man: âR u mad at me?â
Magic Man: âChase plz answer someoneâ
Magic Man: âIf I said smth Iâm sryâ
Magic Man: âJust plz come homeâ
Magic Man: âChase?â
Magic Man: âUr dinner is getting cold WHERE ARE YOUâ
Magic Man: âIf u put on dnd Iâll b pissedâ
Missed call from Magic Man
Magic Man: âChase I stg if ur at a bar rn imma fucking deck uâ
Magic Man: âNo actually Iâll let Jackie do thatâ
Missed call from Magic Man
Magic Man: âPick up ur damn phone Brody!!â
Magic Man: âWhere tf r u????!!!!â
Spider-Man 2.0: âwhere did you go chase???????â
Spider-Man 2.0: âI thought you were just going on a walkâ
Spider-Man 2.0: âTHIS IS A VERY LONG WALK ITS BEEN HOURSâ
Missed call from Spider-Man 2.0
Spider-Man 2.0: âif I have to save your ass from something or someoneâ
2 missed calls from Spider-Man 2.0
Spider-Man 2.0: âthis isnât funny chaseâ
Spider-Man 2.0: âIâm really fucking worried about you
2 missed calls from Spider-Man 2.0
Spider-Man 2.0: âCHASE I SWEAR IF YOU DONT PICK UP YOUR PHONE IM COMING TO LOOK FOR YOUâ
Turtle: âBrody get your ass home RIGHT NOW!â
Chase weighed his options between who seemed the least pissed at him. Marvin and Jackieboy were obviously out. He didnât particularly want to call Anti either. That left Henrik and Jameson. He went to the contact and pressed the call button. It barely rang before it was picked up.
âCHASE!! VERE ZEE FUCK HAFFE VOU BEEN??â Henrik shouted, his accent the thickest Chase has ever heard it, barely understandable in his drunken haze
âIâm sorry Henâ he slurred
âChase vere are vou? Are vou fucking betrunken?!â
âHen, Hen what? I-I donât know what... what youâre saying.â
âHES ASKING IF YOUâRE DRUNK ASSHOLE!â Jackie shouted. âYouâre on speakerphone you dick!â
Chase couldnât see it but Jameson was trying to tell Jackie to calm down.
âOH FUCK NO THIS IS AS CALM AS IâLL BE JAMIE!â
Chase sat down on the sidewalk, leaning against a building. âIâm not fucking drunk,â he slurred
âTell that to your voice.â Marvin piped up.
âFiiiiiiiineeeeee mayyybeee I had a drink or few. Happy?â
âHow many is ein few?â
Chase snorted and started laughing like that was just the funniest thing ever. âFuck if I know, I wasnât counting.â
âChase where are you?â The static behind the phone let him know it was Anti and he whimpered.
âYouâll be mad at me...â
âWEâRE ALREADY MAD AT YOU DIPSHIT!â Jackie yelled. Henrik left the phone on the table while he grabbed his shoes and a jacket, figuring that because Chase called him, he should be the one to get him.
Chase suddenly got quiet. âI donât know.â
âWhat do you mean you donât know?â Marvin furrowed his eyebrows.
âI mean Iâm lost... thatâs why I called... I was at a bar, then tried to walk home and got lost.â
There was silence for a little while. Marvin suddenly stepped towards an open area of floor and started mumbling a spell. âHeâs on the corner of Center Street and Behmer Drive. A block down from a bar.â Henrik nodded, grabbing his phone and getting into the car.
âChase stay on ze phone ja?â
âOkayyyy.â Chase yawned. âHen Iâm tired.â
âVell I vill not carry vou in so vou need to stay avakeâ
âBut Iâm sleepyyyyyyyâ Henrik sighed, driving as fast as he could without getting arrested until he saw a familiar figure all the while trying to keep said person awake. He pulled over and got out of the car. Chase stood up, but he stood up too quickly and vomited, luckily for him none of it got on Henrik. As soon as he was done, he was ushered into the car.
âI vonât um... vhat is that expression? Chew vou out now, vou vill certainly get enough shit vrom Jackieboy and Marvin.â
âThank you,â Chase mumbled, the heat of the car feeling nice on his cold wet body.
âUnd vour hangover und sickness vill be more zan enough punishment tomorrow.â
âIâm real sorry Hen.â
âZat is vhat vou zaid last time. Und vou did it again. Vou must earn mein trust back Chase. Jamieâs too. Und vou vill be lucky if ze ozers trust vou again soon.â All of a sudden, Chase broke into sobs. He thought he didnât have anymore tears left in him, but apparently he was wrong.
âPlease donât make me see them Hen... Iâm just so weak and pathetic and you all are important. All I have is... is... Iâm just useless. What have I ever been besides a nuisance? With all my whining about Stacy, over reacting to a couple sad days and calling it depression, my-my bad habits and self destructive tendencies... Iâm surprised you all still keep me around,â Chaseâs whole body shook with his sobs.
There was a lot to unpack there and Henrik had no clue where to start. He pulled into the driveway and put the car in park, turning to face Chase. âChase... how long have vou been feeling like zis?â
He just shrugged. âI dunno... a while now, maybe a year or so?â
âVhy didnât vou say anyzing?â
âI was scared you would realize your mistake and kick me out.â He mumbled. It was quiet, but Henrik heard it loud and clear.
âVe vould never dream of it Chase. Vou are far from useless-â
âOh yeah? Name one thing that Iâve done that actually helped!â
Henrik went silent as his brain tried to think of a good example that wasnât easily written off because he knew that anything he said would be torn to bits anyway.
âThought so.â Chase shook his head. âI actually thought you were gonna say something too. Guess I can add moron to the list.â
âChase stop-â
âOh look, Iâm being a bother yet again. Shocking.â He got out of the car, slamming the door, puked in the grass, then went inside, ready to be reminded yet again of how weak and pathetic he was.
The second he opened the door was the second the yelling began. He didnât even bother protesting because they were all right. He screwed up, couldâve died, worried them all.
âDo you have ANY idea how scared we were?! I thought I was going to get a call from a hospital that you were hurt or DEAD! We all were so worried-â
âI DIDNâT ASK YOU TO CARE!â Chase snapped.
âWELL SCREW YOU TOO! Iâm your brother!â Jackie fired right back.
âOk I think thatâs enoughâ Jameson tried to intervene, but of course, nobody was paying attention to him. Well, nobody except one person who did happen to notice. Anti stepped in between the two.
âThat is enough.â His voice caused everyone to stop yelling, Jameson signing a small thank you towards him. âIt seems like Chase has already berated himself over and over, havenât you? Iâm not inside your head, chill out, but youâre fucking screaming it with your body language. You seem to forget that you all canât hide anything from me. And, I can assure you Chase, you arenât faking anything, and we all would care.
âDonât you see? Look around you Brody! Jackieboy is yelling at you because he was scared, and cares so damn much about you. Marvin had so much anxious energy that while he was pacing he started to fucking glow. Yes Marvin, I saw that. Jameson wasnât signing anything, he just retreated into his mind again, like he always does when heâs worried. Henrik was prepping his work station just in case you came home half dead and was shaking so much he dropped half his equipment. And I-â Anti took a deep breath âI was glitching so much I disappeared for a little bit, just static filling my place. Iâm still glitching a lot, and it is taking all of my energy to stay present enough to knock some sense into your drunken mind! We care about you because we all have no idea what we would do without you here!â He balled his hands into fists, and stared down Chase, watching him deflate even more than he already was. He shook his head, retreating to his room where he resumed his excessive glitching.
Jameson was the first one to recover. âChase? What did Anti mean about âyou arenât faking anything, and we all would careâ?â When he was met with a blank stare, he sighed and looked to one of the others to translate. Marvin was the one to interpret for Chase.
âI... I had it in my head that... that I was just faking my depression... that I was just sad a bit. And that... that nobody would care if I... if I... tried again.â Everyone in the room but Jameson understood, and Jameson wasnât quite sure if he wanted to know. His mind supplied an answer and he didnât like it. Jackie was the one to walk over to Chase and engulf him in a hug. The rest soon followed, and Chase began to cry again into Jackieâs shoulder. After a while they one by one let go, and Chase looked between them all before going to his room and passing out on his bed.
#who cares#kaiden writes#my fanfic#jacksepticeye#chase brody#henrik von schneeplestein#marvin the magnificent#jackieboy man#jameson jackson#antisepticeye#angst#depression#alcoholism#addiction#suicide mention#suicidal thoughts#yall im not dead
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do all of the lovesick asks bitch. expose urself
wow, ok.
read more thing bc this is long and embarrassing
1: Do you have a current crush?
Two actually but who's counting
2: How long has your crush lasted?
Uhh a few months n then the other one is weird i can't answer that lmao
3: 5 songs that you have associated with your crush?
I'mâŠâŠ..not that sappy I can give u like one
Ice prince : Runaways by ATL
Space boy : Stars by Fun.
4: Do you think they've ever liked you back?
I mean. It's very likely.
5: Will you ever reveal your feelings to them?
Yea probably
6: Whatâs holding you back from making a move?
It's not that I haven't made a move but like. I am Fear.
7: Are you frightened by your feelings for them?
A lil
8: Do you think they could ever love you?
Maybe???? but iâm kind of an optimist
9: Do you love them?
Lol next question
10: Have you ever had a crush on someone you really shouldn't?
DEFINITELY. I CAN'T NAME ANYONE SPECIFICALLY BUT THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY YES.
11: Do you think anyone currently has a crush on you
...IT'S VERY LIKELY.
12: Ever had a crush on what you thought was a platonic friend?
Hi Jared
13: What would you do if your crush revealed they felt the same?
I'd probably need a second to process it but like probably hug âem idfk
14: Has your crush ever hurt you?
Nope!!!!
15: Have they made you cry by breaking your heart?
Nope!!!!!!!!!
16: Why do you like them?
Ice prince is fun to tease idk we go back n forth a lot but he's also a softie n listen he's dramatic enough to keep up w/ me
Space boy tells u like it is and he seems kinda scary or not,, nice at first maybe but he's actually also soft !!
They're also both hot as hell oh my god
17: Do you think you'll ever get over them?
I mean. If I had to I would but... Â I don't WANT TO.
18: Do you have 1 specific song that is strongly associated with a certain memory or interaction with them?
Mmm not really?? Not yet?? It'll happen dw
19: The moment you knew you had feelings for them?
We both got scared of the firework finale on the 4th and I squeaked and he like held onto me n it was really funny n cute n I was just like âok this is a thing now greatâ
Uhh I was doing the typical girl thing where I send screenshots of a conversation to a friend only the friend is his sister soâŠâŠâŠ..i blame her itâs literally all her fault
20: What would they have to do for you to stop liking them?
Murder someone probably
Or y'know
Something equally as shitty n illegal
21: Have you ever fallen asleep with them?
Yea. Both. Napping is cool.
22: Held their hand?
Mmhm! Both but like that's not that weird
23: Kissed their cheek?
Yup. Both.
24: Kissed them on the lips?
Yeah. Both. Actually.
25: Gone down on them/ they've gone down on you?
N O P E
26: Had sex with them?
Nuh-uh.
27: Where on your body have they touched you?
This isâŠ. A weird question I don't like it
28: Does their touch set your skin on fire?
Fire.
Ice prince.
Fire.
HM.
29: Do you get butterflies when they touch you?
Ok maybe
30: Do they make you smile like no one else can?
Y e a
31: Does their presence calm you?
Mmhmm.
32: Does it make you go crazy being around them and not 'being with' them?
Not⊠until recently but---
33: Are you friends with your crush?
Both of âem!
34: Have you always been friends?
Uhh I guess w/ Ice prince yes but not the other one
35: Last thing they messaged you about?
One was abt a dog, other one was abt coming over to hang out
36: Best phone call with them?
Hands down any call when I've been driving so I make my brother talk to them instead those are always fun
37: Last time you hung out with them?
I. I literally started answering this in one of their houses.
38: Ever been drunk together?
I DON'T DRINK
39: Fondest memory of them?
The fireworks show n then probs a few days ago when we just drove around n talked abt stuff
40: Ever made a mistake with them?
Mistake??????????? i donât make those
41: Regretted not making a move?
Every day of my life but also I have literally kissed both of them so which is the truth
42: If you could go back in time to that moment, what would you do?
Nothing âcause I'm a big baby
43: Do you think that would change your current relationship with them?
Nope
44: If you could get a 100% honest answer from them, what 3 questions would you ask?
ok first FUCK THIS QUESTION
Ice prince
Do u. Actually wanna date or am I just the most gullible person ever
.......................so how do you feel about polyamory
Do u actually hate the puns or do u secretly enjoy them I need to know.
Space boy
Are you aware that you can literally text me for anything at any time?? Bc u should be
Were you ever afraid to talk to me?
Will you promise to talk to me before doing stupid shit so that at the very least i can tell u that ur an idiot,,, but like. affectionately.
45: Did they wish you Happy Birthday on your birthday?
My birthday is in like another month and I didn't know either of them really last year so they better
46: Have they ever tried to make a move?
?????????
Idk tbh
47: If so why did you miss it?
âCause I'm clueless as hell
48: Have they ever been infatuated with a friend of yours?
Don't think so
49: Are they single?
Lol yeah they're definitely single
50: Where were you when you felt the most for them?
IT'S ALWAYS WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING they both just look so cute n peaceful n I get all mushy n wanna protect them but I'm weak as hell so
51: Any specific place you associate with them?
Mmmm not really
52: Films that make you think about them?
Disney films in general
Marvel movies for Ice prince bc NERD
53: Have you picked up a habit because of them?
I don't think so but it's also not unlikely
54: What was your first impression of them?
Ice prince seemed antisocial and idk abt space boy we were like 5 yrs old technically so who knows man
55: Has it altered since then?
LMAO YES
56: Do you remember the first thing you talked about?
Probably musicals bc I can't shut up ever and he was confused
And uhhh no unless u mean like when we started hanging out bc it was candy
57: First time they touched you?
COLD
HE DID IT TO SPITE ME AND IT WAS FUNNY BUT IT WAS SO COLD HOW
And I'm 99% certain I made him high five me before we ever spoke bc I'm a nuisance
58: Have they ever lied to you?
Not that I know of
59: What are their eyes like?
Ohhhhh my GOD
really......clear?? thatâs not like. a good way to describe em but u know when u look up at the sky and itâs like. wow there are no clouds!! n then u feel the breeze and itâs kinda cold but itâs not unpleasant itâs?? p nice??? like. that.
cool as FRICK like what the hell iâm actually jealous theyâre a rly pretty nice shade n then suddenly itâs!!! different!!!! and itâs like!!!!!!!!!!!!! a surprise a v good surprise which is fitting u just gotta look a lil and heâs full of lil surprises
60: What are you most attracted to about them?
well,, for one theyâre both hot as hell, so. that. in general.
if u know anything abt me iâm a sucker for pretty eyes
i also like the âsoft but pretends to not beâ because i think itâs cute theyâre also really good to cuddle with
61: Can you see a future with them?
well i canât see one without âem so somethingâs gotta give here right?
62: Have you sabotaged things between you two?
i freaking hope not
63: Why? What were you afraid of achieving? Love? Happiness? Content? Disappointment?
why does this thing assume you said yes to the above question thatâs kinda rude
64: Could they make you happy?
already do
65: Do you dream about them?
if weâre friends and you havenât appeared in one of my dreams and done smth weird or random are we actually friends??
side note does daydreaming count LOL
66: What's something that only you two do?
i donât think i âgently bullyâ anyone nearly as much as i do ice prince also the only one who actually can cuddle w/ me properly in the summer iâm js
uuuummmm go on random drives in the middle of the night so tht zoe can make out w/ ppl instead of texting our sorry asses
67: Does liking them make you feel vulnerable?
you. have. no idea.
68: Have they ever given you anything?
food has definitely been exchanged and shared. iâve stolen sweaters. uh.
69: Have they ever used you?
.........not that iâm aware of??
70: Have they abused and manipulated you due to your feelings for them?
nO WHAT TH E
71: Have you ever spent quite literally all day and night thinking about them?
thatâs......a bit much i might be pathetic and somewhat desperate but like i do kinda have a life
72: Have you ever accidentally nearly walked into moving traffic cause you were thinking about them?
no but iâve walked into walls because i was tired and thinking abt stuff so thatâs a thing i probably have done
73: Ever worn anything knowing it would draw their attention to you?
YEAH LMAO I DO THAT ALL THE TIME IN GENERAL i like attention fight me
74: Have they ever made you feel so safe and content everything else slips away?
y e ah
75: Ever held you so close you could feel their heartbeat?
mmhmm
76: Truthfully do you think you belong together right now?
[taylor swiftâs you belong with me playing in the distance]
77: Have they ever seen you completely vulnerable?
um. no.
78: Do you trust them?
i would trust all of my friends with my life
79: When you see them what feelings are strongest?
i just get?? really happy n i turn into a little kid i swear to god how does he put up with me
n he makes me feel really calm n content n just. good. u know.
80: Are they in love or interested in someone else?
d e a r l o r d i h o p e n o t
81: If they asked you to kiss them, would you?
in a heartbeat
82: Will they be in your life a year from now?
they BETTER BE
83: A moment where you so nearly gave into your feelings for them and did something about it?
i have literally kissed both of them and not because of dares what kind of,,
84: Do they know you have feelings for them?
iâm not exactly,,, subtle
85: Do you have a favourite picture with them?
no but i have favorite pictures of them
86: Your ideal date with them?
hey. concept. a double date. but like. instead of 2 couples itâs just me w/ both of them wow
87: What's their name?
itâs rly obvious that iâm talking about porter and connor fuck you
88: Have you ever been in their room?
iâve been in connorâs but porter n i mostly chill other places
89: Shared a secret with them?
yeah but itâs not a secret if i tell the internet now is it?
90: Have they ever made you a promise and broken it?
donât think so
91: Have they ever disappointed you?
nope!
92: Whats the most problematic thing about them, which you overlook due to your feelings for them?
uh. idk. porterâs kinda closed off to other people at first i guess that could be problematic. iâm patient w/ that shit so it doesnât bug me as much idk
general relationships or lack thereof w/ other ppl tbh for both of them i thinkÂ
93: Have you ever had to compete for their affection?
no
94: For as long as they're in your life could you handle just being friends?
thatâs what i do with p much everyone else but another way to approach this is if u couldnât be together would u shut them out and the answer is no?? bc thatâs kinda shitty
so yes
95: Ever looked for a sign to make a move?
every?? single second of every day but once again i have literally kissed both of them uh
96: What's standing in your way from being with them?
general anxiety
a single conversation
...lmao
97: Would you let them use you for sex?
this implies that,, they donât care abt me and only themselves n theyâre not really?? like that so?? it wouldnât happen like that??
realistically knowing myself i wanna say no but i probably would which is Not Good i know
98: Ever had a bad feeling about them that's screaming for you to get out while you still can?
no. like. literally the opposite. wtf
99: If you could go back in time, would you avoid ever meeting them?
NEVER
100: You have 1 wish about them, what would you wish for?
that porter finds someone who makes him feel warm n fuzzy on the inside even if itâs not me
n for connor that one day everything is stable and everything is ok
anyway hey jared U SUCK
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aight buckle down I got a lotta love for mx and just as much to say and it's love night so ÂŻ\_(ă)_/ÂŻ ok first off uh mx kings of family? They're all so close to each other like looking at how far they've come with trusting and being comfy with each other from no mercy era always brings me to tears I'm crying as I type this but it's so obvious that they all care for each other so much it's so amazing (tbh what makes them my ult group) they tease each other and have a fun time but they're family
-- (Lotta love anon) um speakin of teasing they love to tease mbb and it's the greatest thing ever like they just treat us so well and try so hard to make mbb happy like we are!!!!! They do so many amazing things for us im :')))) ok now since wonho is my ult bias I gotta say smth abt him: literally the most amazing man I've ever seen in my entire life??? I dunno how he does it but he does and I thank the gods every day. Also he's just rly inspiring in general? (cont in next sry)(lotta love anon) anyways Wonho (and mx in general I won't lie) is honestly the reason I started taking better care of myself and trying to stay healthy bc I kno he'd be upset if anything happened to any mbb,,, i started actually working out and trying to get fit and eat regularly instead of skipping meals like I used to and when I'm having a bad day/week I just think abt how he would want me to keep trying and stay healthy and I feel a little better and honestly I can't thank mx enough for that(lotta love anon again lol) but yeah I love Wonho with my hole hort ahem now onto that gĂŒcci content: ships. changkyun has recently become a fave of mine but wonhyuk is my main thing my shit my ultđ just the way wonho and minhyuk interact is rly endearing and cute and just my kind of relationship tbh,,, they tease each other and mess around lots but u can tell they genuinely care abt each other and want the other to be happy like that interview where wh was saying he felt bad an unconfident and(lotta love anon I got cut off :^/) but yea wh was saying he didn't feel good anymore but being near min helped him get thru interviews and things bc min can cheer him up and make him feel better and just. my heart hurts bye they love each other,,,, they rly are what I want out of a relationship like they're such close friends and just help make each other happy what kinda ideal goals,, if only I could find a guy like that to be boyfriends with ă€ÂŽĐ`)ă€
JFKDSFLDS??? im screaming u and i..... together we could really write Novels about mx youâre welcome to get your love out at any time... love this love
firstable!! God yes theyâre really like a family.. the progress theyâve made since no mercy is insane?? like im sure things were dramatized for television but even so i canât believe they became so close so so quickly and yea they tease each other but ur right like.. you can tell itâs in a loving way and the way they talk about how they deal with any situations that arise idk i just really get the sense that theyâre all going to be close friends for life! and wtf thatâs so sweet and Good that wonho is able to.. inspire you like that?? like even though we donât know them personally weâre still able to have this relationship with them and iâm sure it would make him so so happy that heâs able to help you like that? and it makes my heart warm too âĄâĄâĄ
and ok yes ! yes yes yes wonhyuk... my fucking heart hurts when i think of them (my heart hurts from a lot of things) theyâre so?? theyâre so flirty but also i think they rely on each other a lot emotionally like you said that one interview.. and there was also another livestream where i think.. hyungwon? was saying positive things about the other members and his positive thing about minhyuk was that âhe made wonho happyâ or âhe takes care of wonhoâ or something along those lines and that really made me stop and think like?? they look after each other so well to the point where the other members comment on it like that they really have such a wholesome relationship and honestly... yes goals!!!!!! i love them!!!!!
also thank you so much for all the messages!!! i really loved reading them you have as much love as i do and also i really loved hearing about how mx/wonho helps kinda.. inspire you and pick you up?? because i relate to that A Lot they do that for me too :â) i hope you have a great night!!! ily!!! đ
love night!!! send me anything you love about mx (members, pairings, etc)!
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hhmmmmvnfj asks abt Lawrence? umm in a selfship way: whatâs ur favorite gift heâs gotten u? â in a character analysis way, bcuz Iâve posted a lil abt it n u mentioned it in DMs too: if William had survived, bc Lawrence was handling new disciples at that time (like Brad n Ryan), how do u think Lawrence n William wouldâve interacted? (esp bc we know William was at least vaguely aware of who Lawrence was pre-trap bc of their connections to John)
dfhskj thank u!!! finally getting 2 this
okay fr the selfship part: mentioned it a little bit when replying 2 the other ask u sent, but itâs a worry stone made out of rhodonite (which looks a lil like this), bc he knows how interested I am in gems + rocks n stuff like that but also bc he wanted me to have smth to fidget with in case I forgot my lil lanyard of rolling beads when we went somewhere! itâs smth I just run my thumb along bc itâs smooth n soft n fits perfectly in the palm of my hand. a lot of times if Iâm in an uncomfortable situation I canât get out of, having that w me helps a lot bc itâs grounding n it reminds me of him đđ
fr the character analysis part: KJSKFS YEAH I love getting 2 talk abt that bc I actually think abt it quite a bit. as u said, William and Lawrence have always been vaguely aware of each other on account of being connected thru their interactions w John, the doctor who he felt wasnât kind/sympathetic enough n the insurance agent who denied his (EXTREMELY experimental, mind u) foreign treatment request. Iâm not sure that they ever interacted face-to-face PRIOR to Johnâs death, but after William survives his test itâs just kinda like... who else does he have 2 talk to that might be able to understand even the tiniest bit what he went thru? he loves Pamela to pieces, of course he does, sheâs his only family - but she didnât see what heâd had to do, doesnât rly KNOW like Lawrence would.
but I still think heâd absolutely be Cautious, bc even w the desire to be understood n maybe even have someone he could confide in, William knows now that Lawrence has been helping John for quite some time - as we see in 3D and as u said, Lawrence is the one handling new disciples, something that only John ever did; Amanda didnât have her own apprentices, n Hoffman sure as hell didnât either. that, n William doesnât know how much involvement, if any, Lawrence had w his own test - thatâs smth that wld haunt him a lil, I think. itâs hard to be comfortable around a person who is not only directly involved w the person who felt it necessary to put u in a trap, but who Also may have been the one to put fucking explosive bracelets/anklets n tattoos on u + SEWN A KEY inside of u, which is INCREDIBLY violating of his bodily autonomy. that could warrant a whole discussion of its own tbh.
but. Lawrence is the closest John ever got 2 having a TRUE successor (which I have conflicting feelings on; my reading of Lawrence in SAW 2004 was not someone who wld have joined up w someone who caused him so much pain, but fr the sake of exploring this, I think tht after going thru something as horribly traumatizing and irreversibly changing as he did, he sought that life of control n routine that he felt he had prior to his game, and well, John could certainly provide that,,,) n William would likely know this. Amandaâs dead, Logan is off doing who knows what n living his life, Hoffman is only doing it out of a weird sense of obligation?, and Jill isnât rly a disciple, just some1 whoâs been dragged into it too. (I think William n Jill actually wouldâve gotten along tbh,, itâs a different thing entirely whether William would WANT to interact w her.)
I think Lawrence wld want to be able to reassure William that he had no hand in what happened to him (I donât even know if Lawrence is the one who fitted the bracelets/did the key?), but he like. wouldnât even know where 2 begin bc how can he explain that in a way that William could ever rely on? how could he ever convince William that he truly wasnât responsible when all the other man wld have 2 do is look at all of th ppl he assisted John in securing/operating on? Hoffman was the one who put William in his trap, but Lawrence doesnât know heâll ever b able 2 prove that in a way William can believe. n I donât think heâd expect William to believe him, not at all, but I think Lawrence at that point truly doesnât have anyone - he and Alison are divorced and she has Diana, Adam isnât around obviously, John + Amanda are gone, Hoffman doesnât know he exists, so who does he have? I think he longs fr that sort of connection, even if it Is forged thru smth as terrible as what they were both individually put thru by John - they have tht common ground of being involved in his diagnosis + the way he responded to them (petty fucking grievances... kramer I will literally knock yr teeth in u fucker) n being ppl he considered partially responsible fr his downfall in a way (Lawrence wasnât âkind enough,â William said no to a highly expensive and experimental international treatment that they werenât even sure wld WORK). and like, not necessarily 2 the same extent, but they were both physically altered by what they went thru. Lawrence is missing his foot. William has scars + tattoos that he could get covered up, sure, but the experience isnât going away. the scar on his side where the key was hidden is never going away. Lawrenceâs prosthetic is functioning but the fact that he cut his fucking foot off isnât going away. n thatâs not even TOUCHING the lasting mental effects.
so I think William wld be feeling rly lost. he just doesnât know what to do. he doesnât know if he can even go back to the life he led b4 (if he does, itâs not for a very long time) n he has a hard time looking Pamela in the eye bc he feels personally responsible fr her having been there too + bc of what heâd been made to do to so many ppl. he feels alone, much more than he ever has before, n thatâs saying smth bc his personal life was already extremely solitary bc he felt it was safer for him + his career. no one could possibly understand what he went thru, bc nobody saw it. nobody saw the way he tried so hard to keep every1 alive, the way he tried to help the people he worked with + CARED FOR even if he had 2 put himself thru pain to do it (holding onto those pulleys until his shoulders were almost DISLOCATED fr Addy n Allen, burning himself w the steam so Debbie could get thru the maze, the entirety of the shotgun carousel). Tara + Brent didnât see him sacrifice himself fr his coworkers, n neither did Pamela. nobody knows. William wants some1 to connect with, n that just doesnât seem like a possibility given that what he went thru in there is knowledge that only he himself + Hoffman carry.
but Lawrence knows. he understands n he's the one 2 kinda make that offer, to just be like âu donât have 2 trust me right now, or even ever, but I understand n if u want some1 2 talk to, Iâm here.â bc what does he have to lose? Adam is gone. Alison n Diana are gone. heâs by himself. and so is William, though he has Pamela. theyâre both men who went thru smth unspeakably terrible bc a dying man wanted 2 play god n they came out of it much worse off than they ever were b4 John âhelpedâ them. n William is just like. how much worse could it get? after Jigsaw, what could possibly be worse than what heâs already gone thru? so heâs just kind of like, âokay, we can work this out, I canât say I trust u right now but maybe I can in the future. we can do this together. we can help each other.â n thatâs how they end up meeting for coffee or breakfast/lunch/dinner every so often (coffee meets are at least weekly), n itâs just kind of like. the reassurance that some1 has seen the very worst parts of u and are still around. the relief of knowing someone sees u and knows how hard yr fighting to rebuild a life thatâs been shattered into a million tiny pieces. n theyâre struggling against that current together, and maybe it starts in a place of âI have no one else so I might as well chill w u,â but eventually William and Lawrence kind of fall into this uneasy friendship. theyâre there for each other. William calls Lawrence when he has a nightmare that keeps him up fr hours after, shaking n w his heart beating out of his chest bc he doesnât want to remember. Lawrence spends th night at Williamâs place every now n then bc he canât be alone w his thoughts n the phantom pain in his leg just wonât quiet. they meet for coffee. they have breakfast sometimes. Lawrence has clothes n a toothbrush at Williamâs and vice versa. theyâre in this together.
n maybe that escalates into more (which I believe wld only happen after they get 2 a point where theyâve discussed, at length, Johnâs legacy n who exactly would be continuing it + if anyone WLD be, n after Hoffman is âdisposed ofâ in a sense), but even if not, they both know they Have Someone who looks at them n doesnât see them as a monster, not the horrible person John thought he needed to âfix.â they both carry scars, both physically n mentally, frm what they went thru. theyâre both struggling to get their bearings + Lawrence is still coping w what heâll need to do after Johnâs (and eventually, Jillâs) passing. it wonât be easy, but theyâre not walking alone. theyâre wading thru the mud together, hand in hand, and fr William n Lawrence, that is enough.
#yes I also hc William as trans!!! not rly mentioned directly but putting that here#thank u thank u!! LOVE getting 2 talk abt stuff like this#saw#william#lawrence#I had. way more thoughts on this than I thought I did oops#long post#asks
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* justice smith, demi man + he/they | you know gabriel de leon, right? theyâre twenty three, and theyâve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 1984 (infinite jest) by the used like, a million times this year, which makes sense âcause theyâve got that whole waking up in a body as heavy as the dead, emotions always on the verge of spilling over - you laugh before the punch lands, the belief that every encounter you have will be the last thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so theyâre a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )Â
hllo this is my second child i think theyre p grand n i love them a lot. as always pls like if uâd like to plot iâd lov to interact with everybody
VIOLENCE TW
mini playlist.
ghosting ;; mother mother / roam the room ;; citizen / art of doubt ;; metric / thnks fr th mmrs ;; fall out boy / heart in a cage ;; the strokes / where is my mind? ;; the pixies / flowers grow out of my grave ;; dead manâs bones / 1984 (infinite jest) ;; the used / blister in the sun ;; the violent femmes.
statistics.
full name: gabriel de leon.
nickname(s): gabe.
birthday: october 31st, 1997.
zodiac: scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini ascending.
mbti & temperament: esfp & improvisor / sanguine.
label: the icarian.
hometown: belleville, new jersey.
sexuality: homosexual.
pinterest.
biography.
itâs only rly ever been gabe n his mom n the little new jersey suburbs that r always the same no matter where they go. they dnât speak abt fathers or brothers or spain or anywhere other than the now, and how its constantly changing bt oddly the same.
his momâs name is sonia n we love her. she worked a lot as a single mom n p much hs done everything on her own ever since leaving spain.
they dnât talk abt spain bt we cn talk abt spain n hw sonia hd grown up partially there n partially in the states n hw sheâd originally planned to live there forever bt the man sheâd fallen in love with ws involved in some. high class dangerous shit n it ws safer fr them to part even if tht involved leaving everything she knew n loved <3
bt its like. ok. bc she hd gabe <3 n they dnt talk abt it so it practically nvr happened. n she tries her best as a mom n usually tht is enough.
they moved around a lot just bc sonia is a very. flighty person. anxious bt nvr seems tht way is just always. tense. gabe didnt think she ws capable of relaxing fr. a rly long time.
she wld commute 2 nyc every morning n after school gabe wld climb onto the train n by the time he got 2 her place of work sheâd be just getting off n theyâd get a slice of pizza n sometimes theyâd go somewhere like central park or coney island (just fr the novelty) bt most of the time they just got back on the train home w/ gabe either doing homework or napping on her shoulder.
when gabe got a little older heâd sometimes skip school n take the train after sonia had already gone so he cld spend the day in nyc. he liked learning bt didnt rly like school. he nvr properly fit in bc of the amt of times theyâd move so it felt like nowhere ws. right fr him.
got rly involved in. the punk scene as a young unsupervised teenager n tht led 2 a lot of like. shitty stick n pokes bt also a love of. very loud angry music n a sense of justice tht he held tightly in his fists. got mouthy towards bullies whether at school or in the scenes he involved himself in n started getting into a lot of fights bc of it.
during this, sonia ended up dating n marrying gabeâs stepdad who he calls craig sometimes bt i dnt think thats his name i wont lie to u guys. its partially a joke n partially purposeful disrespect bc gabriel does not trust a single man bt like. man. âcraigâ is just an accountant. heâs fine heâs a good dude. they once bonded over like. the mets.
violence tw // anyways. when gabriel ws 16 he got into a super super bad fight tht ended rly. terribly n like listen. nobody died bt it ws just. it got blown up very out of proportion n gabe mightâve gotten expelled even tho he wsnt even the one who started it bt thts okay. âcraigâ, or paul, suggested tht maybe. a change of scenery wld b good fr gabe n b4 they knew it they were. moving to paul-robertâs hometown of irving, north carolina. violence end of tw //
he wldâve complained more bt. fr soniaâs sake gabe kept it 2 himself. it made her happy 2 see them all get along anyways n like. idk he cld put forth tht little effort <3
bt honestly like. he didnt rly get into too many fights once they moved down here n even tho sometimes he ws like. ommgg. i hate this town .. its so washed up .. he still made friends n like. the only thing tht changed ws tht it ws a lil harder fr him 2 acquire illegal substances.Â
anyways. currently he hs a tattoo apprenticeship n is a professional piercer n like. he plays guitar n writes songs bt thts more of a hobby rn than anything else. mostly focused on paying his rent at port apartments bc as much as he. loves his mom he does not want 2 live with her forever <3 n thts okay!Â
personality & facts.
overall xtremely passionate person like god. feels emotions so intensely. every time he opens his mouth n talks abt an interest of theirs its just very like. u listen n ur like oh. gained 2 inspiration. thanks.
clings onto his friends p tightly bc he like. nvr rly stayed in one place fr super super long in new jersey so he nvr made very long term friends n now hes like. very clingy HLKDSHLKFSHLKDG also hates to b alone. subtle desperation behind interactions with ppl he rly wld like to be friends with.
like dnt get me wrong hes gotten into. sm fights bt thts mostly bc he cannot keep his mouth shut n he also cnt stand douchebags he like. always wants to tear them down prob bc he ws a victim of bullying. n u know what. we support him. otherwise he loves ppl bt esp if they hv similar interests 2 him.
like golden retriever who bites kind of. intensely loyal but at the same time is very skeptical. things tht good things do not last very long even though theyâve been doing already fr the last few years.Â
also bit of a nerd. they were nvr rly a big fan of school bt theres smth abt a good superhero comic tht draws their attention more than like. any english class evr. bt seven soldiers of victory? classic. big dc fan.
uh. very into like. hardcore music. hardcore rock. punk. if its loud n angry they r into it like so so much. hs sm tattoos is like. super covered in them its partially bc they work at a tattoo shop n partially bc they do not know hw to manage their money well.
ooohh u know what theyre. kinda moody i wont lie to u. very defensive like they dnt evr wna talk abt their past. has experienced Things n they do not wish to discuss them. will usually like. deflect frm conversations he doesnt wna hv.
in tune with nature. loves fkn taking walks. hangs out in the woods by abernathy creek n lilac ridge bc nobody rly goes there n its just. nice
tries not 2 take anything super seriously 2 the point where when he does take smth seriously its a little scary bc theyre super intense abt it. forcibly optimistic even tho on the inside he feels like a total pessimist. lots of. deep down insecurities tht he projects by attaching himself p firmly onto others. >.>
so so so energetic. can never stay still. always hs to be moving around. restless like tht. probably got it frm his mom. overly protective over the ppl he loves. probably got it frm his mom as well.
goes onto Tangents bt also divert frm those tangents n is generally all over the place.
always cold n always looks tired n like he hsnt slept in a thousand years n u know what. sometimes he just does not sleep.
oooohh theyre a vegan. totally into animal rights. devious little demi man beyond that .. loves horror n the paranormal n believes in like. every cryptic. will debate u on it.
erm not. the kindest 2 themself theyre a bit self destructive. impulsive. drives very fast n parties super hard. said i will hv my effy stonem moment. u dont hv to gabe.Â
bt ya! luvs oranges n reds n is maybe a short king. hs an eyebrow piercing n like. a lip ring i wont fk around here he IS living his best emo life in 2021. a little outdated on the trends bt thats okay. probably will tell u hes frm new jersey. its a personality trait. smokes the shittiest cigarettes ever.
wanted plots.
just ghosting along ,, dnt even exist 2 me ,, ;; god. firstly just the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs like. spoken to romantically n then dropped suddenly. n then maybe like. one tht actually Hurt bt they cnt avoid each other bt theyre actively pretending each other doesnt exist n its. hurtful bc it ws like. actually smth nice bt <3 ykno FKLFSDHG
hey hey heyy câmaahn iâm just a little guy ;; n this is the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs probably. pissed off n hs either fought or been on the verge of fighting just. unable 2 resist a good bicker-turned-duel.
just blistering in the sun ;; they cld b close friends bt also they cld also not b bt just ppl who. indulge in bad impulsive decisions with gabe. general bad influences on each otherâs health n just. no good! party hard bt at what cost.Â
n also ;; like ... rly solid good friendships ... flings n maybe an exe or two tht either ended on good terms or just. horrendous, ppl theyâve distanced frm, ppl also frm up north, piercing customers, bt not tattoo customers bc im p sure theyâd get fired if they were just tattooâing ppl willy nilly, etc.Â
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