#they still sell the legends books too

[bogleech]

Also going to finally make a pinned post for all my stuff:

BOGLEECH - my tumblr blog is named after this website I created around 2002 and still update. Thousands of pages worth of content focusing on creature design as well as real biology. My review of the original Legend of Zelda monsters might be the most straightforward example of my articles. Links to some of the most popular content:

POKEMON REVIEW ARCHIVE: - I rate and review each and every single Pokemon, in Pokedex order, on its merits as a creature design. I also do so as someone whose favorite animals are all parasites.

DIGIMON REVIEW ARCHIVE - same, but more chaotic.

CREEPYPASTA COOKOFF ARCHIVE - for several years I hosted a yearly writing contest before it grew too big for me to keep up with. There are over a thousand user submitted horror, fantasy, sci fi and surrealist stories here emphasizing unconventional, original ideas you seldom see from the "creepypasta" community!

The original "MORTASHEEN" Monster Archive - since the early 2000's I've created and illustrated more than 800 creatures and counting for my own monster-catching world, now set for release as a tabletop RPG setting.

AWFUL HOSPITAL: SERIOUSLY THE WORST EVER (page one): an interactive comedy-horror-sci-fi webcomic I started in 2014 about a medical facility that could maybe be better.

Some of my other internet stuff:

PATREON - constant work makes my patreon updates inconsistent, but the content backlog goes back years with a huge amount of exclusive art and writing. I try to put up new exclusive stuff whenever I can.

ETSY - I design all sorts of original enamel pins like these, plus I sell zero-maintenance terrarium plants (just leave them in a jar!), original books and other things!

COLOR THE ABYSS (available on the above etsy!) - a 30 page educational deep sea coloring book! Includes a few famous favorites like giant isopods and hagfish, but mostly focuses on less popular, often much weirder animals.

UNBELIEVABLE BUGS - also regularly restocked in the etsy store, 30 of the strangest and most surprising arthropods most people have likely never heard of, illustrated by myself and @revretch, written for even the youngest kids to understand (but will likely teach you something new at any age)

My Itch.io and Ko-fi - both sell digital versions of my books, including some creepypasta collections and my first novel, "Return of the Living," about a world of entirely ghosts suddenly dealing with the appearance of ghost-hunting monsters.

TWITCH CHANNEL - I now try to stream something at least monthly, sometimes weekly when possible, from horror games to books and art.

YOUTUBE CHANNEL - archives my twitch streams and other little things.

INSTAGRAM - look at pictures of my huge weird collection of toys and Halloween collectibles

BLUESKY - I'm going to put mainly just updates to my stuff on here. SEE ALSO:

HUMANS-B-GONE - a science fiction animated series by my partner @revretch, about a world of kaiju-size, technologically advanced insects and arachnids to whom vertebrates like us are just pesky little "gubs." Also has a tumblr account @humansbgone FINALLY, HERE'S MY GUIDE AND RESOURCE TO MAKING YOUR OWN INTERNET WEBSITE IN A FEW MINUTES WITH NO KNOWLEDGE OF CODING

[plotsignificanthaircut555]

Cherries

Jiraiya x Reader. MDNI 18+ only. Ao3

You’re a waitress at a gambling club, and a fan of Jiraiya’s book, when he comes into your club you can’t help yourself from going home with him.

This was kind of inspired by the song Cherries by Annie Kemble, a good friend of mine. It’s a great song, give it a listen even if you don’t wanna read this fic. But I hope y’all do both. Love y’all as always <3 Doodle

Content notes: SMUT, smoking, drinking, pussy eating, uncut dick (b/c why would anyone in the Naruto universe be circumcised?), jiraiya is his own warning tbh.

The sound of shouting players, and the smell of smoke was second nature to you now. You had been working in the parlor for two years, serving drinks, selling and lighting cigarettes, loading pipes and blowing on dice. You were frequently propositioned by customers for more salacious services, many offered money. Sometimes you would take it, if you were feeling comfortable enough, or the price was enough to tempt you, they never asked too much of you. Usually short encounters, over before the sun rose again. You had no problem making money this way, and why should you? You were working, you were talented in this regard, they had a good time and paid you well. As long as you kept yourself safe from harm, you rarely even got nervous anymore.

Tonight had been on the slower side, the middle of the week wasn’t often popular for gambling. You hadn’t been tipped that well, two different tables had stiffed you completely. You didn’t think you would be walking home pleased with your purse tonight. Breaking from the foggy main room, you slipped into the private bathroom reserved only for employees. Your makeup was immaculate still, but you applied another layer of ruby colored lipstick, patting it lightly with your finger before cleaning up the edges. You mussed your hair slightly in an attempt to give it more volume, before giving yourself one last look and smiling. You were beautiful, you were so grateful to know it and feel it.

While you were in the bathroom, Jiraya entered the parlor. His boisterous laugh gathered the attention of everyone, his hulking figure shook the table as he sat down at one of the games. The energy around him was light and fun, people of course recognized him and were excited to buy a man of such legend drinks, or play against him. Of course he wasn’t a great gambler, Jiraya was primarily here to get drunk and to flirt, shaking off another long day of training and mentorship. His eyes rose from the game table just in time to catch the most beautiful woman he had ever seen exiting from the back of the parlor. Well done up, makeup clean and vibrant, showing elegance with a clear personality that he would love to discover. Styled hair, pulled away from her working face, but falling perfectly where it could to give the appearance of casual effort. He was shaken by the man sitting next to him, and brought back to the game. Barely paying any attention, he offered a raised bet, and lost near instantly. He didn’t care, he took the last of his drink and shot it back, standing from the table and moving through the crowd over to where you were reloading your tray with drinks.

“Hello, gorgeous.” The alcohol had reddened his cheeks and lowered his already rock bottom inhibitions.

You gave him a practiced smile and began to lift the probably overloaded tray, “hello sir, is there something you might need from me?”

“I’ve got a couple ideas, but I’ll save them until you’ve dropped that tray off.” He took a seat on the available bar stool next to the drink well, “don’t worry about me, honey, I’ll still be here when you get back.”

You giggled flirtatiously, ever the professional, before passing him to deliver the bottles of sake and beer to your patrons. You swished your hips as you walked, knowing he was staring at you. You didn’t mind, he was a bit older than your usual type but you knew his reputation.

Master Jiraya of the legendary Sanin, you had even read one of his books. A girlfriend had recommended it to you, starting a scandalous book club you briefly belonged to. You were sure his writing was generous, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to find out for yourself. He was tall, and handsome, and fucking big. Everything about him was big: his body, his presence, his voice, his reputation. You wondered if everything else was just as big.

Clearing your tray, you turned back to the bar, he was still watching you. You assumed he had been the whole time. His dark brown eyes crinkled up at the sides following the line of a wide grin. The red markings down his cheeks bent and blending into his blushing alcohol fevered cheeks. You stood to his side, sliding in between stools and leaning your body against the counter. Flirting was part of your job, keeping the patrons entertained and engaged was just as much your work as serving drinks. Sure this may have had some selfish motives, but no one could say you weren’t working too.

“So….I have to confess something,” you flicked your eyes up at him, through your thick made up lashes.

“Oh sweetheart, I would love to hear a confession from you. Need me to offer you forgiveness?” He was becoming brazen, moving his large hand to your waist, which you leaned into.

“I’ve actually read a few of your books.” You moved your hand over the arm that he leaned on the bartop.

He watched you trail your finger over his forearm. He was flattered by your admission. His mouth was starting to water.

“Well, it’s always nice to meet a fan. Especially one as beautiful as you.” He watched you blush at his words, “do you have a copy? I’d love to sign it for you. Is it back in your bedroom?”

He started to stand up, but your hand was sturdy on his shoulder, pressing him back down onto the stool.

“Not so fast.” You smiled, your fingernails toying playfully with the hem of his sleeve, “I’m excited to meet you, Master Jiraya. And I’d be happy to continue spending time with you tonight. But you see, I’m still working. And I’m not finished here for another hour.”

You closed the distance between the two of you, fingers moving his long white hair over his shoulder and leaning in to brush your lips against his ear. He smelled like jasmine and pipe smoke, something else lingered as an undernote, something earthy and organic.

“I’d love for you to sign my book. I don’t live far, but you’ll have to wait until my shift is up. Think you can do that for me?” You pulled back, batting your eyelashes and pouting your lips, fingers still tangled in his hair and clothes.

His eyes were glassy but locked onto you, his heart pounding in his chest, if you looked hard enough you were sure you could see his pulse in his neck. He nodded and you nodded back, an agreement made and a promise to be kept.

“Can I top off your drink?” you offered, reaching across the bar top and not so subtly arching your back and grabbing a fresh sake bottle.

“Only if you share it with me,” his eyes licked over your body.

He couldn’t believe his luck. The most beautiful girl in the whole place not only was talking to him but knew his work, and seemed to be interested. You pulled an extra cup and filled both glasses, offering one to him. He accepted graciously, still struck by the ease of the whole situation.

“To your work.” You offered

“To your work.” He offered, tapping his glass against yours before drinking together.

You two shared the bottle over the next half hour. You would occasionally need to seperate yourself and assist your coworkers, who were also engaging in the night's entertainment and service. You didn’t have any more tables to yourself, so you were mostly running drinks and offering support. Everytime you left his side, Jiraya always waited patiently for you to come back to him.

“So what keeps you working here?” He asked upon one of your returns.

“I like it. The money's good, the hours are better,” you nudged his arm, “the people are interesting.”

“Are they?” He asked, catching your hand in his and running his thumb across the back of your knuckles.

His touch was hot against your skin, leaving little prickles of electricity in its wake. You weren’t sure when exactly it had happened, but you found yourself becoming more and more excited by the idea of spending the night with him. He was forward but had remained respectful, keeping his hands relegated to your arms and back, but never on your legs or hips. The conversation flowed naturally, he was actually very funny, giving plenty of chances for you to swoon at his wide smile. His good looks were filtered by age but he was still an incredibly handsome man, his strong nose leading up to his dark eyes, big lips growing wetter and looking softer at every passing shot.

“Yeah,” you answered, flipping his own hand over to run your index finger over the inside of his palm, tracing the lines, “although they aren’t usually so handsome. Or accomplished.you wouldn’t believe the amount of stories I’ve sat through about farming or markets.”

“You know, gorgeous, if I didn’t know any better. I’d start to worry you were playing me a bit. Are my stories boring you?” He watched your finger trace over his palm, and he watched when it stopped.

Your slender finger ceased its cartography of jiraiya's large palm, moving his hand over so it faced down. You slotted your fingers in between his. You let them linger for a moment, joined together, before bringing his knuckles up to your lips and kissing lightly. Your lipstick transferred lightly, leaving a red kiss mark across the ridge of two of his fingers. You met his gaze as you pulled away, his bottom lip was caught in between his teeth as he watched you.

“Not at all, Master Jiraiya. I feel quite fortunate to be talking to you tonight.” You set his hand back down on the table, but kept your hand tucked into his.

His voice shook slightly as he asked, “how much longer is your shift?”

Your eyes flicked over to the clock on one wall, “twelve more minutes. Think you can wait here while I wrap up?”

He nodded and breathed out, releasing himself from the previous moment of tension. He leaned back slightly as you stood up and walked to the back to settle your cash for the night and close out your final tabs. Besides Jiraya it had been a slow night for you, but despite the lower than expected take home pay, you felt giddy as you collected your final tabs and closed out with your bartender and manager. Before finishing up, you swung by the bar one last time. This time opting to not sit beside Jiraiya, but lean behind him, pressing your chest into his back and talking directly in his ear.

“You actually still have to settle your tab.” You reminded him, circling a lock of his hair around your finger.

“Ah, right.” He got the bartender's attention and closed his tab, leaving a hefty tip, “should I tip you as well? Or does that come later?”

He turned to face you, suddenly his ever confident aura had dimmed slightly, as though he had grown nervous.

“You're signing my book, that’s a great tip, especially after I sell it as a collector’s item for having a genuine signature!” You teased, laughing.

He laughed along with you before standing. You realized he towered over you, he was well above six feet, probably by another half. He looked down at you, your features enticing him in further and further. His mind raced, thinking of your eyes fluttering at him, how soft your lips felt against his hand, the smell of Cherry that followed you every time you walked past him.

“Why don’t you head outside, I’ll meet you out front after I grab my bag from the back.” You told him.

Just one more hurdle until you could finally have each other. The tension continued to build and build until you knew it would eventually compound in on itself. Hopefully in your bed, and hopefully again and again until the sun comes up.

“I’ll be waiting.” He said, and lifted your own hand to his lips this time. Offering a more dramatic, showman’s kiss before loudly smacking his lips off.

You hurried to the back to hang up your apron, grab your coat and bag, and say goodbye to your coworkers. You slipped out the back and walked around to the front of the building.

Jiraya waited patiently, but nervous. This wouldn’t be the first time he had been duped by a beautiful woman’s promise of a “good time”. When you finally emerged from the side of the building, his face lit up, shoulders relaxing as he took you in.

“I hope you didn’t think I was going to leave you out here.” You read his mind.

“Of course not, just enjoying the night air. It’s good to clear the mind.” He looked down at you, you had walked straight up to him, nearly chest to chest.

The two of you stood for a moment, then two. Breath syncing up, heart rate too. In the moonlight your features look softer, eyes sparkling up at him. Jiraya fought the urge to hold your cheeks and press your lips together, you were still outside of your place of work and he didn’t want to embarrass you.

“This way,” you finally took his hand and led him down the street.

Your conversations from inside the bar continued as you walked home with Jiraiya following you closely. Your walk home wasn’t far, only a few blocks, and he was right about the night air. You had only had a few glasses to drink, but the soft summer wind was already helping you feel more alert and awake. When you finally entered the grouping of apartments where you lived, you led him to your door.

“I wasn’t expecting company, so you’ll have to excuse the mess.” You said, you had actually just cleaned the previous day, but it couldn’t help to under promise and overdeliver.

Jiraiya couldn’t care less where you lived, or how, he was just so excited to be in the home of an incredible young woman who had invited him in. You opened the door, moonlight illuminating the dark living room. With him following closely, you moved to turn on a few lamps, brightening the space. Your place was nearly immaculate, not devoid of personality, but neat. You had drapery hung over your windows and around your light fixtures allowing the light to take on different hues. Purples, blues, and golds filled the space, casting patterned shadows over the walls.

“Wow, kid. Nice place. You do all this yourself?”, Jiraiya let out a low whistle, impressed with your home making skills already.

“Mhm,” you nodded, setting your bag down on your dining table.

You moved to undo the buttons of your coat, when you felt his hands slip around you from behind, his chest was right up against your back, his head stooped down to speak in your ear.

“Please, allow me.”, his fingers were quick to undo your buttons, moving smoothly up your lapels and sliding the jacket off of your shoulders, leaving them bare and chilled with excitement.

His smell of jasmine filled your space, you felt intoxicated with him already. His lips brushed the shell of your ear, then the juncture of your jaw and neck, then the side of your throat. You bit back a moan along with the urge to lean your head back against his chest.

“Are you trying to get out of signing my book?” You teased as his hand began to circle your waist.

He laughed, it shocked you a bit. The usually booming laugh, subdued and hot against your ear. He knew just how to play you. You turned to face him, stepping back slightly, not so subtly trying to regain your footing.

“Of course not,” Jiraiya smiled down at you, his large hands still in your waist, “you keep it next to your bed?”

You pushed his chest slightly, “you wish.”

You pulled out of his grasp and moved to a low bookshelf in your modest seating area, you had to bend over to retrieve it. You heard him suck in some air as you did so. Finally pulling the bound text from your shelf, you stood again and faced him. A blush crept up your face, you realized you had dogeared a few pages, which reminded you that you had actually made notes in a few margins. Maybe you liked this book a bit more than you let on. He noticed too, taking the book from you and opening to the first page.

“You have a pen?” He moved to sit cross legged on your floor over the coffee table.

You grabbed a writing utensil from your desk drawer and offered it to him, loving to sit next to him.

“Ah ah,” he tutted, hiding the book, “no peeking.”

You rolled your eyes and sat across from him instead. You watched him carefully as he thought of what to write, and with a devilish glint in his eye, started scribbling his autograph. He was taking longer than should be necessary for his name.

“You’re not writing something dirty in there, are you?” You tease, sliding your foot under the table to nudge his crossed leg..

“I already did, that’s why you like it so much.” He flirted back instantly, not even slightly shaken by your contact. He was clearly in his element.

Finally when he had finished his escription, he read over his own words. Giggling to himself, he brought the book up and mimed a kiss against the page, before blowing on it softly, to dry the ink.

“There you go, gorgeous. One of a kind.” He closed the book and set it on the table with his hand still over it, inviting you to try to take it from him.

You took the bait and reached over, he slid it just out of reach, “Almost.”

You got the game. Sliding around the table, you now were next to him, your hand fit next to his, fingers intertwining on the bound leather. You moved your body up his, with him seated and you on your knees, you were finally eye to eye with him. He watched you closely, pupils blown in excitement. You moved to sit on his lap, finally in a full embrace. He was so wide, it was hard to fully straddle him, but you managed. You could feel him getting hard underneath you, too many layers separated you from him. You could feel how wet you had gotten from the back and forth of tonight. You wanted him so bad. His large, delicious body, his experience, his charisma. It had all drawn you in. His hands moved from the table, abandoning the book and over slid your hips, then up your back and down again. The sensation was soothing and also titillating.

You felt yourself dampen further, and your breath increase. You moved your arms around his neck, leaning closer and closer, you could feel the tie that held his long hair back and you pulled until it came loose, allowing his white hair to fall freely. Your lips were so close to his, you could smell sake on his breath, you could feel his heart beating under you.

“Jiraiya?”, your lips were nearly against his as you spoke his name.

“Yes, gorgeous?”, His big hands squeezed your hips, keeping your firm against his clothed erection.

“Are you going to kiss me? Or are you going to make me beg you for it.” You looked at him under your lashes, catching his eye just in time to see him shudder a bit.

“All you had to do was ask.” He caught your lips in his, his hands on your hips pulling you closer to him.

His lips were so soft, but his kiss was so hard and passionate. His tongue immediately slipped between your lips, quickly mapping the inside of your mouth. He had the faintest taste of smoke, probably a pipe or cigarette from earlier in the night. His hands moved through his hair, tugging lightly, making him moan against your mouth.

“Such a pretty girl,” he mumbled between hot, wet kisses, “you don’t know what you’re doing to me.”

Feeling emboldened by his praise, you moved one hand between your joined hips to stroke his hardened dick, “I think I have a pretty good idea.”

His hips bucked at your touch, a half moan-half laugh sputtering from his lips. He cursed and pulled at the back of your shirt, removing it quickly. His hands were rough against your skin, decades of both training and writing causing his palms and fingers to callus. Your skin was so soft by juxtaposition, smooth and even, plump and vibrant. He removed your bra skillfully, your breasts spilling out for him to quickly latch his mouth onto.

You moaned, throwing your head back, “Master Jiraiya!”

He could barely hear you, he was completely immersed in how good it felt to have your bare chest in front of him, against his lips, against his tongue. He flicked his skilled tongue over your nipple, pulling back to watch it harden and peak.

“You’ve got such great tits, baby. Such a pretty thing for me.” He kissed up the side of your neck.

You were rocking your hips against his, trying desperately to pull more of those shocked moans from him in the process. Your hands moved under his tunic, unknotting the tie and pulling the sides apart. His chest was so broad, a large star shaped scar bloomed from the center outward. You had hooked up with shinobi before, you were familiar with the combat scars and various bruises to be found on their bodies. But this was unlike anything you had ever seen. It was expansive, and evidently distracting, as you had stopped your grinding to gawk at the large healed wound.

“Thought girls liked scars.” He joked.

You ran your hand down his chest, fingers exploring the topography of muscle and scar tissue.

“I do.” You leaned down to kiss the side of his neck, hand traveling further down to his hip bone and further to undo the tie of his pants.

“You work fast, honey.” He bit his lip trying to cover the moan your eager touch pulled from him.

You moved off his lap, now pulling his trousers along with you as you moved down his body, “worried you can’t keep up, old man?”

This struck something in him. Something competitive and cocky. Before you realized it he had you up on the couch, and he was kneeling between your legs.

“I hope you don’t mind if this old man takes a turn first?” He growled holding your hips in place as you tried to figure out just how he had moved you so quickly.

His hands pulled at the top of your skirt, undoing the zipper on the side and sliding it down your legs.

“It only feels fair after I so graciously gave you my autograph free of charge.” He removed your skirt completely, leaving you only in your red panties.

You were so wet already, the panties were sticking to you. You wanted them off so bad, you wanted him so bad. His hands ran up your thighs, Jiraiya delighting in the hot, smooth skin of a young woman writing under his touch. You were so gorgeous, a beautiful body, a beautiful face, charming and intelligent. He had no idea how he had gotten so lucky. You were looking at him so desperately, he could see how badly you wanted him. And if he wasn’t sure from your eyes and your words, you were practically dripping onto your own couch in front of him. He couldn’t wait any longer, he had to taste you for himself. Jiraiya leaned forward and took the front of your panties between his teeth, pulling them down, using his hands to roll the flimsy fabric off of your legs. A practiced move he had perfected over years, but never failed him.

Watching him remove your panties with his teeth had you moaning before he ever touched your aching pussy. He watched you gasp in awe and arch your back, body begging him to pleasure you. He knew exactly what he was doing to you. He slid your panties in his back pocket for later. He knew he was a pervert, but he couldn’t help himself.

Finally, with nothing separating him from your sex, Jiraiya moved your legs over his shoulder and pressed forward, giving you a long, languid lick all the way up your slit.

His tongue was devilish; skilled and wicked. Strong hands keeping your thighs in place as he devoured you. You couldn’t stop the wanton moans that spilled from you like a waterfall, he had barely started and you were already whimpering and pulling at his hair.

“Baby you taste so good, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. How many do you think you can take?” You could barely hear him through the sound of him lapping at your dripping pussy.

He was talking about his fingers, thick and waiting to push inside of you. They were bigger than yours, bigger than anyone’s you had been with, and fuck you wanted them inside of you.

“Two. Two. Fuck, Jiraiya, please.” You begged him, needing more and more from him despite how good you already felt.

He pushed his first two fingers inside of you, tongue still slurping around your clit. Feeling him spread you open, you felt the white hot build up of orgasm approaching. Your voice was giving you away, panting moans, barely intelligible curses mixed with his name. You tugged at his hair, paying no kind to if it hurt him or not. He certainly wasn’t stopping, nor was he complaining. He was too drunk off of your taste. He hooked his fingers inside of you, deliciously hitting your g spot.

You nearly went blind with pleasure. You were cumming before you even realized how close it was. Not only cumming, but squirting. Gushing around his fingers and into his waiting mouth. He drank from you, everything you had. Leaving you a well pleasured, panting mess above him. The heels of your feet had dug into his shoulders so hard he may bruise. But tomorrow if he woke up with any mark of you left on him, he would be a happy man. Finally detaching his mouth from your puffy, spent pussy, Jiraiya sat back on his heels, watching you carefully, licking his fingers clean.

“Ever done that before?” He grinned cockily, your squirt still dripping down his chin onto his neck.

You watched him take great pride in cleaning his fingers of your cum, “once or twice.” You told him.

“Think I can make you do it again?” He leaned over you, his hands finding your waist again, pulling you forward, against the front of his barely done pants.

You shuddered at the thought. You had read his books, you were familiar with his proclivity toward having the heroines orgasm again and again, until they were begging for mercy. You had always assumed it was fiction, and that couldn’t, shouldn’t reflect on the desires and skills of the author. But the way he watched you as you came undone for him, the way he looked down at you now, you knew it was autobiographical.

He wiped a sweaty strand of hair from your forehead, tucking it behind your ear before leaning down to kiss you again. This kiss was softer than before, he cupped your face sweetly, not tugging and pulling you into him, but holding you firm and steady against his lips. You kissed him back, finally feeling grounded in your body again. He tasted like you, you were sure you tasted like him too. The experience of letting someone’s taste overpower your own was at times more sensual and pleasurable than the act of sex itself.

Your hands moved over his back, feeling the strong muscle, the divots and grooves of his body. Your eager hands moved to remove his pants, and he joined the effort, stripping himself completely before you. He joined you on the couch, kneeling between your legs, still kissing you. You felt his hardened length hot against you, sliding up and down your slit, he reveled in the fruits of his previous labor.

“Please Jiraiya, please.” You whimpered against his kisses, reaching down to stroke him.

He was diamond hard in your hand, long, and thick. Of course he was, of course this literary Casanova had the personal equipment to back it up. You could feel his heartbeat pulsing through his erection. You ran your thumb beneath his foreskin to pull the precum from him and coat your hand to lubricate his length. Jiraiya shuddered and lifted you back onto the couch again, joining you and slotting himself between your legs. Your lips were hot against his, spit and moans exchanged in between sloppy kisses. His thick, white hair shielded you from the light in the room, blocking out everything else but him. He reached down to join your hand on his length, his eyes meeting yours to confirm consent. You nodded again, rocking your hips against the head of his cock. You moved your hands to his shoulders. Jiraiya’s thumbs spread your folds apart for him to release a string of spit onto you. Spreading the lubrication of his spit and your previous release along his length and your slitc he started to inch himself into you.

You couldn’t help the arch that your back curved into. Nor could you stop the mewl that escaped you. Jiraiya groans above you, pushing deeper. Your vision went white as he packed his inches into you. You clawed at his muscles, whimpering as he filled you.

“I know, baby. Almost there.”, he cooed, smoothing your hair.

You squirmed at his depth, how he stretched you out, how he mashed against the wall of your cervix.

“Relax, baby. Let me in, it’s okay.” He kissed your cheeks where you had scrunched up your face.

You breathed deeply, trying desperately to relax your tensed muscles. Just as you would release slightly, he would push further and you would clench around him again. Finally after much stopping and starting, he bottomed out inside of you. His hips meeting the backs of your legs, your calves over his shoulders, and your fingers gripping his shoulders.

“Jiraiya…fuck…you’re so deep.” You trembled against him.

Jiraiya panted above you, running his hand up your leg soothingly. You were holding him so tight, he was struggling to keep from fucking into you further.

“Let me know when I can move, sweetness.” He pressed a sweet kiss to the ball of your ankle, petting your leg again.

After finally accommodating his size, you nodded. He pulled back carefully to the head of his cock before sliding into you again. He began an even thrusting pace, he rocked his hips against your sweet spot inside of you. You couldn’t help the broken, nasty sounds that fell from your lips. He was setting your body ablaze with pleasure. His head fell back as he maintained his rhythm, letting out a lazy, delicious moan. You felt electric, like all the energy in your body had illuminated and was glowing. His hands traveled from your thighs to your hips to your breasts and back again. You felt as though he was unstitching your every piece, taking you apart at the atomic level. And it was marvelous, his touch was practiced and methodical, he knew just how to touch and to please you. You couldn’t control the begging pleas that spilled from you.

“Raiya, please, yes, fuck, oh” in repetition again and again.

He was similarly babbling, “yes baby, so tight, so good, good girl.”

Your sweat transferred to his skin, and vice versa, when he finally leaned over you, closing you in against the couch, you couldn’t help but keen to kiss him again. His big, strong hand pulled your hip up to meet his thrusts, and you helped him, fucking yourself up into him. Your bodies worked in perfect sync, meeting his thrusts, him moving his fingers in between your bodies to circle your swollen clit. Your voice raised in pitch, eyes rolling back as he played you like a fiddle. You had no idea earlier in the night how incredible he would be.

You felt yourself inching so close to climaxing, and you made it clear.

“Please Jiraiya, please!” You begged

“You wanna cum, pretty girl?” He smiled, pushing deeper into you, making you arch further.

“Yes! Fuck yes please. Let me cum!”

“Cum all over this cock. Make a mess for me, baby.” He choked out, circling your clit and sucking into your neck.

He pushed harder into you, the combination of his cock and fingers finally bringing you to your desperate, whimpering, squirting climax. You coated his cock and abdomen in your cum, he shuddered against you trying to keep his pace as he reached his own orgasm.

“Fuck!” Jiraiya cried out slamming himself against your g spot, finally letting his release take him.

You could feel his cock pulse, shooting his long streams of cum inside of you, painting your walls white. Jiraiya collapsed his full weight onto you, which was not insignificant, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. You stroked his fluffy, white hair as he caught his breath atop you. He pressed lazy, hot kisses to your neck, collarbone and chest as he caught his breath. Minutes passed with you two locked into this embrace. Finally the weight of his body was too much, and you tapped on his shoulder, urging him to sit up. He did, pulling you up with him, having you straddle his lap so he could stay sheathed inside of you. He stroked your back, still kissing your neck occasionally. You slumped against his broad chest, feeling spent, he let his head rest against the back of your couch. When he had finally caught his breath, he tipped his head back down, holding your face in his hands, and kissed you deeply. His tongue smoothed against yours, tasting your exhaustion. He moved your hair out of your face, and looked into your eyes.

You finally found your words, “I better not read about this.”

“If you think I’m not using this as research, I hate to disappoint you…” Jiraiya laughed heartily, holding you closer.

You kissed him again, laughing against his lips. You luxuriated in his touch, his warmth, and his kiss.

Sure enough, about nine months later when his most recent book was released you rushed to the local bookstore. You found there was a dedication at the beginning reading simply.

For Cherry, Page 73.

You quickly flipped to the listed page and found the beginning of a deliciously flowery sex scene, one where the protagonist picks up a waitress and spoils her the exact way Jiraiya had done to you.

You couldn’t hide the blushing smile. That bastard.

Okay y’all thanks so much for reading! I hope y’all enjoyed! I’m nasty feral for this big bad man.

[nickeverdeen]

Lion’s Den | Hermione Granger x Hufflepuff fem!reader

Pairings: Hermione x reader (romantic), Harry x reader (platonic), Hermione x Harry (platonic)

Type of fic: Comedy, Fluff (?)

Warnings: None

Summary (this one is described so bad): While hanging out in the common room with your girlfriend and friend Harry finds out that you don’t only carry books and studied in your school bag, yet Hermione is kidna used to it

Ps: This fic may be a bit wobly as I’m feeling highly sick and couldn’t really focus while writing it, sorry cariños if it wasn’t worth the wait

————————

The Gryffindor common room was a comforting haven that evening, its roaring fire casting golden light over the scattered couches and armchairs. The winter chill seeped through the castle walls, but the warmth inside gave the room a cozy glow. Hermione sat in her usual spot, her legs crossed and a thick book balanced in her lap. You, her Hufflepuff girlfriend, were stretched out on the couch with your head resting on her lap, a serene smile on your face as you listened to Harry chatter about Quidditch.

“Really, Harry, I’m not that good yet,” you said, your voice soft but earnest. “I’ve only been practicing as a Chaser for a few months.”

Harry shook his head, leaning forward with enthusiasm. “You’re selling yourself short. You made the team, didn’t you? That means you’ve got talent. Trust me, if you want to throw off a Keeper, fake left, then go for a sharp right. It works almost every time.”

You hummed thoughtfully, glancing up at Hermione, who had yet to look up from her book. Her fingers idly played with your hair, her touch soothing and gentle. “What do you think, Hermione?”

Hermione finally tore her eyes from the page, her lips curving into a small smile as she glanced between you and Harry. “I think you should trust your instincts. But if you’re asking me to analyze Quidditch strategy, I’m afraid you’re asking the wrong person.”

Harry grinned. “That’s true. Hermione would rather analyze—what are you reading? Magical law?”

“Magical Creatures’ Rights in the Modern Age,” she corrected, a faint note of pride in her voice. “But don’t let me interrupt your strategy session.”

As the conversation continued, Harry leaned back and sighed. “You know what would be perfect right now? Hot chocolate. I’d kill for a cup.”

Your eyes lit up, and you sat up slightly, reaching for the bag you’d brought along. “Funny you should mention that,” you said, pulling out a thermos and a cup.

Harry’s jaw dropped as you poured a generous serving of steaming hot chocolate and topped it with a handful of marshmallows from your bag. You handed the cup to him with a grin. “Here you go.”

Harry stared at the cup in disbelief. “How… why…? Why do you have it in your school bag?”

You shrugged, a playful glint in your eyes. “I had a hunch.”

Still baffled, Harry opened his mouth to question you further, but Hermione put her book aside and gave him a knowing look. “Don’t bother, Harry. She’s always like this. Her bag and pockets are full of surprises. It’s best not to ask.”

Harry shook his head with a laugh. “You’re a legend, you know that?”

“I try” you yawned, your eyes growing heavier as you leaned back into Hermione’s lap. She adjusted her position slightly, making sure you were comfortable, and draped an arm over your shoulders.

The fire crackled softly as the room grew quieter. Harry and Hermione lowered their voices, their conversation becoming a hushed murmur. Before long, you drifted off, your breathing steady and peaceful.

Hermione glanced down at you, her expression softening. She reached for a blanket draped over the back of the couch and gently covered you with it.

“Harry,” she said quietly, “can you do me a favor? Go find someone from Hufflepuff and let them know she might stay here tonight. Last time she stayed too late, they nearly gave heart attack to the Fat Lady looking for her.”

Harry winced at the memory. “Right. The Hufflepuff Search Party. I’ll make sure to tell them before things get… intense again.”

He got up and slipped out of the common room, leaving Hermione alone with you. She brushed a strand of hair from your face, her gaze lingering on your peaceful expression.

“You really are something else,” she murmured, a fond smile curving her lips.

The warmth of the fire and the quiet comfort of the room wrapped around you both, and Hermione settled back into the couch, her fingers gently tracing patterns on your shoulder as you slept.

[seat-safety-switch]

When I became a junior detective, I got assigned to work with Detective Math. Bob Math is a legend in the department: he uses arithmetic and problem solving to crack unusually number-specific cases. He's got a nemesis, of course, all the cool detectives back then did. Al Gebra kidnapped his wife once, tried to ransom her for a plane to Mexico. Math didn't stand for it: after figuring out the complex polynomial sequence that revealed the address of the shitty dockside warehouse he was renting, he subtracted a couple of Al's digits using a cleaver.

Thing is, he was all a fraud. One night, while we were riding from one case to another in his beat-to-shit Dodge Rampage, he told me that he never actually graduated high school. Back then you could get away with it, most of the detectives in his generation got there because they had read a book on detective skills by accident while their partner tortured an informant. He didn't know shit about math, in other words. One of the staff sergeants saw him (poorly) doing a Sudoku one day and decided he must be good at math, fast-tracked his detective exam, he was afraid to say no, so now he's "the detective who's good at arithmetic." Math wasn't even his name, either: he took his wife's name in the divorce to keep the scam going.

All this is prologue to the thing that really mattered: our big case. It seemed normal at first, a political corruption thing. "Sorry it's not a numbers racket! Haw!" shouted the chief as he handed out the assignments. Even so, there were still a lot of numbers.

It seemed like the Mayor Himself's Assistant Herself had been helping Herself to some dirty money from various car dealerships in exchange for a favourable ruling from the land zoning department. One of the spoiled rich kids that owned a Chevrolet dealership didn't get what he wanted out of the deal, and blew the whistle. Two days later, he was found dead in a truck stop bathroom, beat to death by a calculus textbook. Math's involved? Get me Bob Math, they no doubt thought. Detective Math was used to it, and he went about the usual pantomime in his role: carrying around an old Texas Instruments calculator with no batteries in it, interrupting meetings in the precinct to measure parts of the room with old bits of string, the whole schtick. Then we went down to City Hall to get a confession.

You guessed it: it was the mayor's assistant's teenage daughter, Becky-Sue, who did in Ted Chevrolet. She was the work-experience hire, selling Topkicks out of the back to her mom's friends, and finally had enough of him skimming her commission. Bob Math sighed as he realized that yet another murder case of his had involved percentage points of a dollar. He would have to put on his fake professor glasses to explain it to the media.

Even so, the press conference went great. The assembled reportage beamed with pride as they hung on every bullshit word of our imaginary arithmetic hero. Something didn't add up, though. I didn't notice that that cameraman in the back, who was missing a couple fingers, until it was too late.

[abnormal-vacuum]

task force 141 supernatural au, anyone?

price: he was in the military for years. still became a captain until his team encountered something supernatural— a monster of sorts, maybe. something big and scary. he was the only survivor and afterwards the SAS was trying to be very hush hush about it, so they ‘honorably discharged’ him. for years he tried to ignore / rationalize what he saw until he couldn’t take it anymore and became a hunter. didn’t realize other people went around ‘hunting monsters’ until he met laswell. often uses his military connections to get what he wants / needs for the ‘jobs’.

gaz: he was just some guy, living a fairly normal life until he moved into a new apartment building (that was haunted) and met john on a hunt. after that he couldn’t live normally knowing shit like that was out there and decided to join price. they became a hunting duo, traveling all around the uk together.

soap: his mum always told him ghost stories growing up so his whole life he’s been fascinated with the supernatural. he actively tried to put himself into ‘spooky’ situations as a hobby, trying to find ‘proof’ of the unknown. published a book about local legends from various places in the uk, illustrated it himself.

ghost: his father raised him and his brother as a hunter. he hates the profession but does it because he feels like he ‘needs to’. he (kind of) died once and came back due to a demon (roba) thinking he would be ‘useful’. he was not. lives now as a figment, pretty much not existing on any records. presumed dead, long missing. he’s a local legend that johnny covered in his book, since people say they ‘see him’ when he’s supposed to be dead. like a ghost.

laswell: used to be an active hunter, now just collects cases for the regulars at her pub. nobody knows how she got into the business, and she won’t tell anyone. seems to know everybody and everything. has more connections than anyone.

alex: was on vacation in the uk when he had an encounter with some sort of monster. farah saved his life but he lost his leg to it. with all of this having happened he decided to stay in the uk and work at laswell’s pub. (he fell in love with farah almost instantly)

farah: used to be a hunter in her country until her brother tried to sell her to a demon. he was killed and she packed up her stuff, going to the uk for a while, the memories too painful. she had become close friends with laswell on a hunter forum when the latter was searching for a monster and its mythos that originated from urzikistan. they became friends and when farah told kate what had happened kate told her that she should come stay with her for a little while. she works at the bar and sometimes goes on hunts, although only if an extra man is needed.

[thebigoblin]

as the sun rises

i've been working on this on & off for a couple weeks, and it's now complete! posting this here first, and will post it on ao3 this week!

He's just about to kiss Derek when he's pulled out of his sleep, his traitorous phone vibrating on his nightstand with a text message.

Who could be texting him? It's too early for socializing, and his brain is tired! But since he's not just a college student but also a human who runs with a wolf pack and is liable to delay rescue missions if he's not on his feet all the time — he's literally one-half of a two people operation in this pack who hold strategic braincells — he groans and opens his eyes.

His room is dark, but the curtains are blowing against a soft breeze, and slants of sunlight fall into place across his room. It's morning, then. Too early to really call it morning, but morning nonetheless.

Who would even text him right now? His pack cannot get in trouble this early in the day, can they?

Actually, they can, and they have in the past — he grabs his phone and opens it up to the text messages.

It's a message from Derek.

That says just one thing: Morning.

Stiles blinks at it. Tries to figure out if it is a secret code message or something. Scrolls back up further in their text thread, realizes Derek had an early night yesterday so of course he'd be awake early today, at 6 in the morning, and like all the mornings this past week he's sent Stiles a message.

Morning.

Normally, he does it at reasonable hours, like 8. Which is Derek's usual wake-up time, given his usually scheduled afternoon shifts at the BHPD. Like it's the very first thing he does, eyes still blurry from sleep.

It's a sweet, delusional thought borne of Stiles' own desperate greed for Derek's attention, and it chokes him as much as it pleases him.

And there goes his sleep, running away like a headless chicken, at his predicament of being in love with someone he can not have.

Derek Hale is a legend from the myths, a werewolf amongst humans; he's honor and pride intertwined with a gut of trust he's sharpened over the years, the mistakes of his youth lending him a jaded perspective on his once easily-given faith. He is a man turned ashen with tragedy, turned once again into technicolor as years have climbed up.

Stiles was there, at the intolerable stage of it. When Derek was barely a man, a kid alone in the world, hurting and grieving, persistently angry, and with no vision. And he's been there since, once a spectator turned into pages in Derek's book. He's seen him become the man he is now, their relationship blooming under the throes of violence, of almost-dead-but-not-yet celebrations, of the pack letting Derek down and Derek learning to be better for it, instead of sulking and lashing out.

He has watched Derek become who he is now, and he has fallen in love with a man who is one of the strongest people he knows, and it's devastating because why would someone like that love Stiles? There's so much that Derek deserves, so much of which Stiles can not give. He deserves all the good things, and Stiles isn't something like that, is he?

The morning goes on like this: him in the bed, under the covers, the wind blowing inside his room a gentle contrast to his harsh thoughts. He is a year into college now, he's dated a few guys and girls, felt attraction but no connection to them before he realized what's wrong with him — he couldn't connect with anyone because he's already given his heart away, and he knows this is it for him. He's gone and done for, the kind of once-in-a-lifetime love they try to sell in movies and shows and books his claim now, except for the part where he gets the guy and the life of his dreams.

Maybe, just maybe, in a couple of years, he would have moved on. But today, all he can hear in his room is the sound of his heart breaking, his breath hitching, all because of a simple text and his sadist brain.

He hurts in a way he never has. He knows grief — he's lost his mom and that hurt, too, and still does. There's a piece missing in him, a part of him forever buried with his mom, and he's learned to live without it. And this hurts too, the clarity of never having Derek, in a way that is different but somehow similar. He's grieving for something he never had, a future he dreams of but knows can never be his reality.

He allows himself to fall apart today.

*

It's the Christmas break, the weather outside slowly getting more chilly than it was when he woke up. He burrows under the covers, the wind pecking his skin, his limbs too heavy from exhaustion of having cried his hours away to get up and close the window.

He should have closed the window, really.

He's fully under the covers, tear-streaks dried on his cheeks, sticky and a tangible reminder of his woes. Still, he hears it when there's a sudden thump, of a familiar pair of boots landing on his floorboards, and a decisive click of his window being shut close.

"You'll catch a cold."

Of course he's here. Stiles doesn't want him here, not right now, not when —

"Stiles... are you okay? The room smells like you just cried."

If it was any other day, any other reason, he would have appreciated it. They have a no-bullshit relationship. It's honest and grueling, but ultimately, it works for them. Stiles knows Derek trusts him, and that is more than he ever expected to receive from him, of all people.

But he has Derek's trust, and he knows he can not have more. So, he can not lose this, too.

"G'way," he mumbles, "Please."

Time stretches, his request hanging in the air. Then, the bed near his legs dips down, Derek's warm hand finding Stiles' hand, the one outside the covers, and holding it gently. Derek's fingers wrap around his wrist, and the chill melts away.

"I was worried about you," Derek confesses, voice soft. "It's nearly nine, and you hadn't texted me back, and now you're like this. What's wrong?"

Not even a year ago, Derek would have left long as soon as something like this happened, too raw for conversations like this, too naive to navigate a healthy dialogue between friends.

That's what they are, right?

Stiles pulls his covers down until his face is visible to Derek, something which prompts Derek's hand to move to his face, give a soft caress. He truly is worried, eyebrows furrowed and everything.

"Just a bad morning, I guess," he says, and it's almost the truth.

Except. Except, Derek knows Stiles' truth and lies, and not just by his heartbeat.

"If I can help, whatever it is, I will. Just tell me." He's so earnest too, for fuck's sake.

He's a great friend, truly.

Stiles smiles, small and ironic. "You can, and you can't." Derek gives him a confused look. Stiles shrugs, the best he can while lying down on the bed. "Trust me."

"I do, Stiles. Don't you?"

Stiles is angry now. It comes as a surprise to him — a hot, white flash of anger, zipping through him like lightning.

He sits up on the bed so abruptly everything falls — the covers, his phone, him. Derek stops him from falling on his ass, though, arms around his waist.

Even before he's in no danger of hurting himself he's saying heatedly, "Don't fucking pull that card on me. You know I trust you, so much it's impossible to put into words. If you asked me to drive a dagger in my heart I would, I would trust you to keep me safe. So don't even, Derek Hale!"

"I'd rather take the dagger in my heart, Stiles." Derek's eyes are hard, alpha red creeping into them. "Tell me what's wrong." His jaw works, as if he's finding the right words, and Stiles' anger goes away as fast as it came — he slumps in Derek's arm, his weight on the man beside him. Finally, Derek says, "Is this... If Andrew did something, I'll slash his tires."

He isn't expecting this. The hell?

Andrew was the last person he went on a date with, almost two months ago. It didn't work out between them, it never does between Stiles and people, and this was more of the same. But the thing is, he didn't tell Derek about Andrew. It was their first and last date, and the only one he had told about it was...

Lydia.

Derek continues, oblivious to Stiles' confusion. "Ever since you came back to town you've been distant, and if it's because of something your boyfriend did —"

"Woah, what the fuck?" Stiles' voice rises, this time the heat replaced with a level of perplexed he hasn't felt since ages. "He's not my boyfriend, he's not my anything. We went on one date, like weeks ago. What's Lydia been telling you?"

A warmth blooms inside his chest at Derek being so protective of and vindictive for him, but he forces himself to not be affected by it right now. He can loathe Derek's instincts as an alpha when he's alone again.

Derek, for his part, parts his mouth in surpise. "Have I been stupid this entire time?" he says, more to himself than Stiles. "Then what's wrong with you?"

And now they're back at the problem asking for the problem.

Stiles sighs. "Listen. I'm happy you're such a good friend, but some things just aren't meant to be shared, okay?"

"You tell me everything." Stiles scoffs. "Stiles."

They both look out the window, where birds are flying, free from the complex human emotions. The sun is high in the sky, real morning now beginning.

"Why do you keep texting me anyways?"

Derek's eyebrows are raised when Stiles turns to look at him. They're seated with barely an inch between their bodies, and the turn of his neck has them almost sharing the same breath.

Stiles licks his lips, and he must imagine Derek's eyes tracking the movement.

"I can't ask you what's bothering you, and now I can't text you either?"

"Not what I— the morning texts, I meant. Of course you can text me, but the morning texts are new and I'm just... asking. And why can't you text me good morning? Why is it just a morning?"

Derek stares at him. Stiles knows he's thinking something, debating whether to share whatever is going through his head, or not.

"You don't have a boyfriend?"

Stiles rolls his eyes. "No, Derek. I do not."

Derek takes a deep breath, as if he's bracing himself for something huge, something he has high hopes for, something he can not bear to lose but he has no idea if he gets to keep it.

Stiles suddenly has a feeling, and if that is true, he's going to murder himself just to relive the pain one last time, because if what he's thinking is true, then he's stupid as fuck and he deserves it.

"I text you morning and not a good morning because the mornings aren't good."

"Okay... why aren't they? Good, I mean."

Derek is looking into his eyes, a vulnerability in them that Stiles has seen before, but still it feels like he's seeing it for the first time. Like this is a part of Derek he hasn't seen previously, a part that has been kept hidden purposefully finally brought to light.

Derek moves, and the miniscule distance between them is gone, eaten up by the anticipation building in the room.

Derek's hands come up to caress Stiles' face, thumb rubbing circles at the dried tear-tracks, the motion comforting. He says, "Every morning, I wake up in my bed, alone, and it's such a shitty way to start my day. Every morning is just another day, and all I can think is, the mornings would be good, really good, if you were in my bed with me, too."

Stiles swallows hard against the lump forming in his throat. "You're joking."

"Never, not with us. Not about this."

Stiles' breath hitches. Derek comes closer, rests their forehead together. Stiles closes his eyes against the closeness, the dread that this is a dream.

"You're too important to me for me to make a joke out of this, Stiles."

He's crying again. "But I don't deserve you."

Suddenly, the warmth of Derek is gone.

When Stiles opens his eyes, Derek is pacing, a glower on his face.

"Isaac can't be right, can he?" Stiles makes a confused noise. Derek rounds on him, then decides sitting down on his knees is a better option. Stiles' morning is so confusing, he starts counting Derek's fingers as well as his own when Derek holds both his hands, rests their limbs on Stiles' thighs.

There's twenty fingers. Ten his, ten of Derek's.

"Stiles. Why don't you deserve me?"

He does his best to not cry. "You're... amazing, Derek. I. I'm just me, you know?"

It seems silly to say it. It's one thing to believe it, another to put it into words.

Derek squeezss his hands. "I've loved you for a long time, longer than I have realized it."

"What?"

"And I felt the same. You're you, and I'm just me. You deserve better."

"You are the best thing that can happen to anyone!"

Derek chuckles at Stiles' vehemence, squeezes his hands once again. "Pot's calling the kettle black. I felt the same, you know," he repeats. "That you deserve better. So I never told you. And you started dating others. But then..."

"Isaac. What has he told you?" He doesn't know what he could have told Derek. It's not like Stiles and Isaac are close, but there are things their pack does, like meddle in each other's affairs, that has him realizing how troublesome their pack is.

It's not like Stiles has even a single subtle bone in his body.

Derek smiles. "He told me that he's got a bet going for us to get together before the New Year." Stiles isn't surprised, not really. He smiles back. "Yeah, the pups have a bet going, and Lydia and Isaac seem to be on the same page."

"Jesus. Her too? What did you say?"

"The whole pack is in on it. I was surprised they would do such a thing. They can't force two people together when one of them isn't into the other one." He moves forward, until their foreheads are touching once again, and this time, Stiles takes one of his hands and presses it to Derek's head, cards his fingers through the soft hair.

"Then what happened?" He prompts.

"Isaac laughed in my face when I told him I was disappointed because I didn't think he and others would stoop so low. And then he told me I might be an alpha but that I'm stupid if I haven't been able to figure out that you like me back."

Stiles laughs, rather nervously. "I always worried you'd figure it out and we'd not be close anymore."

"I did figure it out, actually."

"WHAT?" He shouts it in Derek's ear, who winces and pulls back. "Sorry, but why the fuck didn't you say anything?"

Derek stays on his knees, but he inches a bit backwards, creating a safe distance between Stiles' mouth and his ears. "I didn't want to lose you."

"How could you lose me when you liked me and realized that I liked you back? That doesn't even make sense." Derek gives him a look. Stiles rolls his eyes. "See, I didn't say anything because I've always believed you deserve nice things, and I've mutually never believed I'm a nice thing. But if you told me you liked me... I would have been selfish."

Derek's expression turns soft. "You're the best thing to happen to me, even as just friends." Stiles' cheeks heat at the proclamation, and he ducks his head. When he looks back up, Derek is smiling back at him. "I've wanted you to be mine for a long time. And when I say mine, I mean it. For life. Building a future together and all the good and bad that follows. But all I could figure out... at least what I thought I figured out... was that you liked me casually."

Stiles gets up from the end of the bed and pulls Derek up by offering him a hand, which he takes with a full-tilt smile, bunny teeth and all. "No part of me is casual for you. I never believed I could feel like this, but if anything, everything I feel for you is cosmic."

Derek's smile grows until it's a full-on grin, and Stiles feels the width of it, the rush of Derek's blood, the pure joy of their stupidity taking second place to communication in the kiss Derek pulls him into — Derek's arms wrap around his waist, his own around Derek's shoulders, sliding up and down, on his stubble, his cheeks, his hair. The kiss itself is sweet and hot, their mutual joy imprinting itself in the endless journey of time with their noises of appreciation.

They kiss and kiss, tongues touching and lips bitten raw, until the necessity of oxygen forces them apart. As soon as they break apart Derek moves on to his neck, the press of his lips electric, and Stiles is the happiest man on Earth.

Well. Except for Derek, of course.

"Good morning, Derek."

Derek growls and bites down, intent on marking. "The best morning," he agrees, and Stiles can only moan, feel the pain of being claimed, and revel in the moment.

He still has thoughts of being unworthy in the back of his mind, but what he told Derek was true: if Derek wants him, he'll be his. He'll be selfish.

He'll love Derek Hale as long as he breathes.

Once the hickey is painted on Stiles' neck, Derek tips his jaw, their eyes locking onto each other. He says, "I love you so fucking much, baby."

Stiles smiles. Derek seems to be on the same page as him, and it's starting to feel like Stiles will be a part of Derek's book for a long, long time.

Maybe, just maybe, till even the last page of the book.

It truly is a good morning.

[technically-a-kiwi]

Pizza tower Truest cosmic AU : A small idea

The cosmic realm is home of mysterious beings, constelations, concepts and eldritch monsters. But by far the most unique beings of the realm are the cosmic entities

Cosmic entities are known across mythos, legends and fairytails, as unfathomably powerful beings who shape, bends and create our reality, but also as very silly and funny individuals, with innocent mischief guiding their actions.

The chef:

holder of the power of creation, he is one particular entity, he's the one with the most human like feelings and attributes, not only does he create the world that surounds us, he also cooks and bakes fantastic meals, thus giving him his name (he doesn't know how amazing his meals are, so he's genuinely shoked when someone tells him how good of a cook he is). He's a very stressed out and paranoid entity, with the constant fear of failing the making process of a world and dooming it into destruction and corruption. Other entities don't respect his work, and so they often mess up with the mortal realm, no matter how much he's against it, the rest of the cast doesn't care... Until he reminds them why he's the one holding the power of creation.

The host:

The chef's biggest rival, a real chaos god, loves to destroy anything and cause chaos, he hosts the Noise Nebula Show (NNS in short), of which he's also the productor, director and supervisor. His favorite pass time is to forc invite people into his show and test their sanity, by challenging their cool, physiques and intellect. A very foul trickster, with his own entertainment being his main priority.

The artist :

A strange abstract antropormophic pepper. He's very bitter to not hold the power of creation, he's the mighty cosmic artist, he SHOULD be able to create anything, and just for that he deeply hates the cosmic chef, often calling him a trator. Instead he get's a varient of this power, creating anything as long as it's somehow related to peppers (why ? because it's funny.), he loves to show off his gallery, filled with very odd but beautiful pepper related works of art.

The ticket stand :

fairytales can't tell if this being is really is a cosmic entity, it's a very mysterious creature, often described as some kind of manifestation of the void. It loves to sell tickets and grante peoples wishes by twisting and reshaping reality, it often tests people through series of trials for it's entertainment. The only time where he's described as violent is when people try to scam him, becoming a true monster...

(Mr stick but I can't find a name anymore, banker is just too ridiculous) :

An entity that constantly counts and keeps track of something more or less related to reality, there isn't a single moment where he isn't counting or writting something down his book, what is he counting ? Why does he count ? No one knows but he never stops and gets very upset when "the count is off" ... whatever that's supposed to mean...

The vigil :

A cosmic entity that used to live in the cosmic realm, he left the cast because they where just so chaotic and silly, that was too much... he got accustomed to the mortal way of life and transformed into a mortal, he holds a farm in some far away universe on planete Earth, he fears the other cosmic entities, he's convinced they wan't to kill him or make his new life a misery for leaving the cast.

The tiny constellations :

They are not cosmic entities but where raised by them, in the cosmic realm, they act very child like, small toddlers still learning and growing, but when they transition into the mortal realm, they completely change personality, now being bearers of knowledge and wisdom, sharing with whoever is interested, in fact, most of the fairytales about cosmic entities come directly from them, sharing it with mortals throughout history.

This is just a small idea I've had laying in my mind, idk if I'll fully complete it one day, but in any case here it is

[arcane-ish]

My worry is this, that the main difference between season 1 and season 2 is that in season 2 Arcane stopped being a tv show and its own thing and became very squarely "a League thing".

Now that isn't necessarily an all bad thing. I mean, League is popular for a reason. There are aspects of League that are fun and creative. And I could picture people who come from League being happy with all the "He said the thing" and shoutouts to all the things they care about.

But to me it feels like season 1 was approached as a way to stand on its own and sell itself on its own and be a story about the characters that you try to sell from scratch.

Whole season 2 feels like they might be cramming all the League stuff into Arcane all of a sudden. And with "League stuff" I mean structural things like:

rush characters to get them into a fighting/champion position (Mel)

rush champs to be their League selves

constantly give characters new looks because League funds itself via selling skins

remind people that there are other continents and potential future spin offs out there (Ambessa, Noxus, Black Rose)

Bring stupid void shit and larger than life threats rather than just very human can comparably low magic threats like Silco because that's how League does a lot of its storytelling

bring up that League skins often also mean parallel universes (academy Ekko)

Like I can imagine that some people are genuinely into it. And some things like new looks, skin universes and maybe even void shit and more continents is fun for people.

I just think it's a huge break from how season 1 was told. And there's still some good character writing and some good theming to tie it together a bit. So it's not like the old values are gone just because all these new values and priorities are suddenly swaming the show.

In the end I've always said that League of Legends is the most like a comic book company with the whole so many "lead" characters with their own backstories and power sets, parallel universes, shifting canons etc.

And Arcane just remind me a lot about what I hate about a lot of comic book media when they leave the whole "this is small story about a baby from space being found by a couple in Kansas, growing up with powers and trying to get the hot city chick to like him" invariably needs to get bigger and bigger threats and suddenly we are on "we now are fighting a galaxy eating cloud, now wait, we are not just fighting to preserve one universe from going kaput, now you have to save all the multiverses".

Ceterum Censeo: I hate Viktor and Jayce particularly for brining all the spacey trippy void shit to a show that previously was a lot more low magic and that had a lot more human and close to earth stakes before that.

(for what it's worth, I think the claims of Christian Linke about Arcane being only 2 seasons in his mind are believable. I full believe that the Jinx, Vi, Warwick, Silco and Cait stuff was always roughyl their plan. I just worry that either League came to them with lots of additional "omg, can you put this in too" requests or that they went overboard with the "omg, now I can put this in too because season 1 was successful" ideas)

[theoraclej]

THAT SEASON FINALE!

light, where to begin, a disjointed ramble of things I observed:

Dovie’andi se tovya sagain! - Mat said the words, he said the words!

And he made his own ashandarei! I hope he gets the raven-inlaid one though because I’m sure no one wants him running around with that dagger

And I know he’s going to get a massive S3 glow-up because he sees himself as MORE, now. Yay Mat!

RAND exploding the shit out of the Seanchan including Turak; nice way around his general lack of swordtraining which I’m sure will be remedied

Once the Heron, to set his path!

The interplay between Rand (and Lews Therin before him), Lanfear, Ishamael - they were besties in the Age of Legends, lmao!

I had expected the intro to be a high society polyam party they were attending, not the Sealing of Ishamael, 🤭

The Warder bond was beautiful, flowing, intimate, just what I imagined when reading these books some 25 years ago

I knew Moiraine was gonna say Lan was her better!

I’m so glad they’re back together though, legendary qpp

Nice to see the S1 intro sequence with the gorgeously woven Aes Sedai tapestry

I was a bit sad Nynaeve didn’t heal Elayne OR Rand but she DID swear to make Seta’s mother curse the first kiss her father ever gave her and THAT was cool

Hopper, my beloved! 😩 I would be chopping Whitecloaks too!

It was so satisfying to see Perrin obey his wolfly instincts already!

Elayne being the one to heal Rand’s wound was an interesting choice, and you can tell he was dazzled by her!

Book lines, book lines, book lines making me have conniptions every time one was uttered

“From birth to death I serve the Blood.”

UNO I KNEW YOU WERE COMING YA SHEEP-GUTTED MILK DRINKER

“For the Light, and Shinowa!” still gave me chills even without an expanded story behind it for Ingtar

Egwene al’Vere. I hope she earns a title of “the Unbroken” someday. Remember, Nynaeve even said that about her when Egwene was captured by Whitecloaks in S1!

Egwene, spitting out the damane gag and refusing to rain down fire on innocents, ah my girl, that’s that Two Rivers steel

Egwene, collaring Renna and choking her to death, being stronger than Renna, being able to withstand the pain of that because that’s exactly what Renna taught her

Egwene later, with that amazing shield against Ishamael to protect her friends!

Lanfear pushing Lan and Moiraine out of the ocean Waygate was very unexpected but totally within Lanfear’s lane, just to keep Moiraine away from Rand

Lanfear working to sell the Seals to Bayle Domon, which was so lmao also, and it really enhanced her utter shock when she entered the room later with the Seals all broken.

M O G H E D I E N 🕷️

She is perfectly creepy, perfect in every way. I can’t wait to see her tear shit up, or to see how she will be used in S3 and beyond

Never expected her to cage Lanfear in her webs, either, dang. Lillen Moiral wasn’t near so strong as Mierin. But we know some things are just Talents, and Moghedien is better in Tel’aran’rhiod than Lanfear

Did you notice Rand’s wound swirling with evil bits throughout the healed part? Really cool effect if you catch it

Aviendha, Bain, and Chiad showing they can fight just as well in close quarters in a city as in the Three-Fold Land; and then later acknowledging Rand as Car’a’carn

Though I’d hoped we’d get some good old He Who Comes With The Dawn in here too

Moiraine’s outstanding torpedo weaves that fucked up the Seanchan boats! And she understands the stakes - if the Dragon is gentled, or harmed, or captured, everyone’s life is in danger and that includes her and Lan

Anyhow fuck the Seanchan

Did it look like Suroth got blown up too? Does that mean she’s dead? I guess we’ll see who gathers in the scattered remnants of the Hailene!

The first “I’m not Lews Therin” from Rand

Mat taking a moment to mention Rand’s “shit hair” to Perrin while they were in the mix, lmao

That shadow ashandarei is really scary, it is a laser knife (lightsaber?) on a stick

I can’t wait for Perrin and Hopper to meet again in the Wolfdream

Speaking of which, I think Perrin’s eyes are permanently golden now

I cried at the coming of the Heroes of the Horn, I’m sure many of you did too 😭

Cool Hero fighting effects, I liked those

BIRGITTE SILVERBOW MY LOVELY

I figured Min’s vision of Mat “killing” Rand would be something like this, an accident, not an intentional thing

His blood on the rocks of Shayol Ghul…

AL’LAN MANDRAGORAN, the Uncrowned King, Sworn to the Flame, bonded again, fighting as he was meant to, just slicing through armies, snatching arrows out of the air and stabbing people with them, chef’s kiss

I wonder if Nynaeve’s “failures” and inability to channel at these vital moments will give her the drive to break her block

Ishamael’s channeling at the end was really impressive, a testament to how much more he knows than Rand

I hope that’s not the last we see of Fares Fares, he was remarkable as Ishamael and a truly enjoyable villain

And since they didn’t have the Dragon banner of Lews Therin Telamon found with the Horn like in the books, Moiraine saw to it that he was heralded with literal fire

This I can imagine many people seeing from far away, and of course rumor travels further

The Falmen sure seem to appreciate it and of course the Seanchan are gone for now

Lanfear asking the LIGHT to protect Rand at the end is something interesting and NOT LOST ON ME

I REALLY ENJOYED IT and am looking forward to a full rewatch of S1 and S2!

Proclaimed across the sky in fire 🔥🐲

[curiouscornfieldcryptid]

Ideal careers:

- crow tamer

- folklorist

- freelance graffiti artist (aesthetically pleasing vandalism)

- urban legend

- horror host/Rod Serling style tv presenter

- one of those guys who dresses up like a statue and stays very, very still for extended periods of time

- merchant with a little cart of trinkets

- poet

- librarian who makes too little eye contact and quietly says “oh I’ve read this one!” to every book that’s checked out

- cemetery caretaker

- pumpkin patch attendant

- guy who double checks the 60+ year old pastor’s sermon beforehand to make sure he doesn’t say something incorrect, misogynistic, racist, or perhaps stupid

- stop motion animator

- John the Baptist type nomadic freak who’s filled with the Holy Spirit

- well dressed gothic literature professor

- Plant rescuer (I obtain neglected plants from stores, nurse them back to health, and sell them to good homes)

- curiosity collector

- mime

[bruja-engkantada]

ONLINE RESOURCES (for Filipino witches) - by bruja-engkantada

Buying books related to witchcraft, folk magick practice, and tarot might be difficult for Ph-based practitioners because of the following:

Limited budget

Other people might see the physical books

Here are some resources and individuals that helped me delve deeper into my craft. Please do remember that it is important to not only have these resources at hand, but also to consume them, learn from them, and apply what you learned or what resonates with you. What we are doing is a "practice" after all.

I'm still trying to learn tumblr, so I don't know how to link yet, or if multiple links are allowed in a post on this platform. I will edit and add links once I figure it out.

TOPIC: ALBULARYOS & FAITH HEALERS

Interviews by Off the Record (YT) - these interviews are in Filipino language

Lihim na Karunungan (FB Group) - this is where you see the the real albularyos and how they work

BhesTV (YT) - this account focuses on medicinal properties of Ph plants and herbs, and also information about the amulets & talismans in the Philippines

TOPIC: PHILIPPINE HISTORY

Nick Joaquin (Filipino Journalist Writer), Ambeth Ocampo (Filipino Historian) and Lualhati Bautista (Filipino author) - research about their books. Their research and studies focus mainly on Ph artifacts, and Ph history during different colonial periods, and also pre-colonial era. You can also follow Ambeth Ocampo on FB or IG.

The Aswang Project (website) - these have blog entries pertaining to esoteric practices, mythical creatures, and urban legends from Ph.

The Pinay Writer (IG) - also here in tumblr. Their content is mostly focused on pre-colonial history of Ph. You can follow them on IG, and other platforms as well.

TOPIC: TAROT AND COMMUNITIES

Rob Rubin Philippine Tarot Authority (FB/IG) - one the tarot pioneers here in Ph. He also practices the craft.

Mysterium Philippines by Rob Rubin - the Intro to Tarot course they have is like the most official here in Ph. They do offer other courses aside from tarot studies, so check their page out.

Mysterium after Dark by Rob Rubin - a Spotify Podcast about Tarot

FB Groups/Pages - Tarot Philippines Community, Project Tarot: Filipino Tarot Community, Soluna Esoterica Ph

Legitimate Ph Tarot Shops (IG/Shopee) - LunaBrujeria, ArtemisPaints, Shelfscape... National Bookstore and Fully Booked also sell some Tarot Decks & Book Guides

Joe Monteleone (YT) - Tarot Practitioner and mentor. They have great & easy to understand lessons on learning tarot, they also have free guides on their website. You can follow them and subsribe to their YT.

TOPIC: CONTENT CREATORS (you can find them on different social media platforms)

Witch of Wonderlust (IG) - She is Filipinx descent, so you might resonate with her content. (She's a pole instructor too!)

The Mestizo Mystic (IG) - He is Filipinx descent as well. He is a Santa Muerte Devotee, but he also incorporates Catholicism/Christianity in his practice.

Chaotic Witch Aunt (IG) - they are Italian Folk Practitioner. But since their practice is kind of related to our dominating religion here in Ph, you might resonate with their content as well.

These are some of the free and accessible resources out there, and people who you can follow. I hope I was able to help. Please correct me if there are any wrong or outdated information above.

Books are awesome resources. But while we're trying to save up funds, you can follow these amazing people, join public communities, and learn from free resources. Give thanks and appreciation by following & interacting with their socials.

It is great to learn from experienced and expert individuals, but your practice is unique and your own. I hope you also find the style/type of practice that would best suit you.

[sophistired18]

Ten people I'd like to know better!

Tagged by @robinticism and @spikyiwaizumi ! Im so honored!!

Last song:

Gosh arcane has me on a chokehold and so does this song...sobs. genuinely so beautiful i cried. Also loved that it was in chinese!! Just such a gorgeous song ive been listening to it on repeat <33

Favorite color: Teal! But also love all blues and pinks. And pastels lol. I really like colors

Last book: Story of your life by Ted Chiang

Had to read this for a summer assignment, but I enjoyed it so much! Made me have to think alot but in a good way. Honestly want to reread it again but this time not under the pressure of an assignment lol. (Also I was at a loss for words when I reread Nekoma Blues by aritzen which is a personal kryk fic fav of mine, and saw that the anthology of Story of your life was mentioned in there! A very surreal moment lol.)

Last movie: Peabody and Sherman. Lol. It is a very good movie still.

Last tv show: Arcane!!! And also Interview with the Vampire! Loving both series lots<33

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: Sweet, but not for meat! I only like savory meat, which is probably the least asian thing abt me

Relationship status: Happily single :)

Last thing I googled: Haikyuudle and this legend. I mean come on. I found his name way too funny, but he's now my honorary favorite obscure haikyuu chara.

Haikyuudle is making me learn so many charas names

Current obsession: calico critters, but i think theyre called sylvanian families outside the US? I love these lil guys so much. Im starting to need shelving to display all of mine bc theyre all over my desk atm and now I have no room to do work. Also obsessing over Arcane, which I've mentioned too many times at this point lmao. And can't forget the sole reason why I made a tumblr: Kryk. They're back again and they're going to stay for awhile until i pack them up somewhere in my mind before they resurface again. They won't be going anywhere anytime soon tho.

Looking forwards to: Graduating ughhhhh. Im so ready to be done. Really wanna start designing and selling my own merch too! We'll get there eventually. Also patiently waiting for next update for covalent bonding and spikes kryk timeskip fic lol

Tagging some moots, but I think most of mine were already tagged? So anyone can go ahead and join! I'd like to meet all of you!

@tinyrainbowshark @moxi-coffeeholic @fishistrawb @artisticxlly

[biscuits-of-bagend]

DnDoc #7 - Looking for Trouble

Part 1 Part 6

---

"As you can probably imagine, this time I didn't mind so much that the music refused to be turned off. The sonic released me and let me get control over my own feet again, but I could hear it flying around the room and zipping in and out of earshot. I may have done some quite embarrassing dancing with it as I turned the engines on, and the screens and the controls burst into life.

   "Then I had a look out the window and realised the ship was exactly where I left it. In 1813."

   Rogue looked straight at the Doctor to get his point across. Going by the Doctor's eyebrows, which shot suddenly upwards, the implication seemed to have been clear.

   "Oh my god, we completely forgot to move it. It's just been sitting there in the middle of that garden. See this is the problem with cloaking." The Doctor lightly hit Rogue's arm with the back of his hand. "Out of sight out of mind!"

   "How often do entire spaceships slip your mind?" Rogue laughed.

   "Hey, I was a mess, okay?" the Doctor said, holding his hand up in the air in front of him. "Wasn't I, Ruby?"

   "Oh, he was all over the place. Reverting to all sorts of bad coping mechanisms," said Ruby.

   "Aw, that's sweet," said Rogue.

   "Yeah, well, I was never going to remember an invisible ship in that sort of a state," said the Doctor. His feigned indignance was so funny, so adorable. Rogue hadn't properly laughed since that very night, the night he met the Doctor.

   "So anyway, I had figured out neither of you were from 1813, but I wasn't sure when I was aiming for. I'd heard Ruby mention something called 'Bridgerton' though, so I had a look through the ship's interdimensional streaming service for a TV show or a film or a book of that name. The resemblance to the party was uncanny, if that's what the Chuldur were aiming for. I watched a couple of episodes while I relaxed and got used to travelling the stars again. Then I rewatched 1995 Pride and Prejudice because why not."

   "Time travelling Netflix, very nice," said the Doctor.

   "So that got me to the twenty-first century," said Rogue. "Then I just sort of… looked for trouble. I figured either you'd be somewhere causing chaos or putting a stop to it."

   "Aw that's how Donna did it! Love Donna," said the Doctor. "She found me by spotting a dodgy, unexplained pill that popped up on the market. She got involved and snooped around the company because she knew I'd be curious about it too."

   "Donna's Rose's mum, right?" said Ruby.

   "Yep. You think you're legendary, Ruby Sunday? Remind me to tell you about the Legend of Donna Noble, Runaway Bride, Best Temp in Chiswick, Metacrisis Doctor-Donna, Mother Protector of Rose," said the Doctor. He smiled and whipped his head from side to side as if he was basking in sunlight.

   "Who's Rose?" said Rogue.

   "My niece," said the Doctor. "Sort of. Well, she's definitely a niece, the question is whether I count as the uncle."

   "What?" said Rogue.

   "Long story," said the Doctor.

   "Ooookay," said Rogue. "Anyway, what I found was octopi. On land. Strangling people. There were loads of news reports about it. So I landed my ship and cloaked it in a nice big park just out east from the city centre, and followed the octopi."

   "Sounds so simple when you put it that way," said the Doctor.

   "You know, you say that, but do you have any idea how many blue police shed things there are in this city? One of them was selling CBD oil!" Rogue exclaimed. He rubbed his hands over his face. "I had no food in my ship, barely any water as you can see, and I have spent the past five hours running around this stupid city hoping to see the two of you but stumbling into tiny shed-based businesses instead! I don't even have any of this century's currency loaded up so no ice cream from the ice cream shed for me!"

---

Part 8

Note: For context, Glasgow has a bunch of old blue police boxes still dotted around the city, but they've all been converted into various small businesses. Someone on TripAdvisor has made a little gallery. For some reason one of them is actually red, as Sylvester McCoy recently discovered. The one in the Merchant City area has Pride stickers!

Also I've decided I like the fact Rogue knows about D&D but not cosplay so now he's a massive Jane Austen fan (as you may have noticed by his references to Emma Woodhouse) but hadn't heard of Bridgerton before.

@off-traveling-in-the-stars @casavanse @monster-donut (let me know at any point if you no longer wish to be tagged in each post)

[serendertothesquad]

Seren's Studies: Odd Squad UK -- "Odd Ones In" Episode Followup, Part 3

And so we move on to Part 3, la-dee-dee, la-dee-dee.

Let's go!

I noted this before, but the fact that they now have a special effect for when gadgets are combined so that it makes a new gadget entirely is a fucking hell of an upgrade over the "stacking" we got before, so to speak. Keep it up!

Not gonna lie, I half-expected the man to whip out a fedora and throw it on his head and do the "m'lady" meme.

Opie being in the Mail Department before going to the Department of Help is honestly a move I was not expecting. Though it does make her promotion to the latter department make a lot of sense.

*slowly raises hand*

...

Are they lesbian mo- *bonk x3*

Had I not seen an ice cream shop in a garage with barn doors before, I'd have laughed at this and said this was insanely weird shit.

...Okay, maybe not for Britain...but still.

The audio balancing is so awful here that even I had to cover my ears. And keep in mind that I may have autism, but my hearing sensory issues largely ebbed away a good several years ago and things like vacuums don't bother me as much anymore as they did in childhood.

That being said, I'd scream if I were being served to people so they could eat me, too.

Keep hammering it in, episode, and maybe your audience's feeble minds will be able to comprehend it as real soon enough.

ONE MORE SHOT FOR "ASSISTANT'S CREE-EEEED", ONE MORE SHOT OF WHISKEEEEEEEEEEEY-

The fact that an Un-Scream-inator exists at all raises some very horrifying questions.

It also makes a wonderful prompt for a horror fic...and my gears are turning already.

See, this is amusing to me because Full Circle, a well-known fic in the fandom, had Olive and Oscar being given free meals for saving the world.

In a way...I guess you could say this makes that canon, even if it's just ice cream.

*the most bitter, fake laughter ever seen in man*

I can see now why he's associated with the Terrible Three. The bastard spins stories with enough skill to make it in fucking politics and denies a girl a chance for free ice cream when she just arrived in a new city.

But also, Orla was also involved in a pastry war, does not enjoy traditional cakes (at least not until later), and is one of the "living legend" agents I mentioned earlier. Thread's been cut, and fuck you and your scummy shit, Ozzie.

the man fakes his new friend having trauma from fighting in a war

she eats the ice cream anyway

The irony is rawer than freshly-cut steak.

...I'm sorry, I had to replay this at least five times to make sure I heard what I heard...

The Odd Squad History Book?

There's a fucking history book???

Then what in the ass-laden fuck did we need Olympia's eidetic Odd Squad memory for? What did we need Olive's little historian side for? What kind of ASS-BACKWARDS BOOK IS THIS.

I'm sorry, but I need them to rectify this yesterday because the only way they could possibly add insult to injury is to shout me out directly, and that has a 0.001% chance of actually happening.

Fandom, let's get crackin' on making an actual history book that's accurate. With blackjack, and all 13 living-legend agents!

"I'm Orli with an 'i', from Niagara Falls."

"Which side?"

"I- what?"

"There are two sides, no?"

"...The Canada side."

"Oh."

"Anyone who goes to the New York side is deemed unfit to serve."

"...Oh."

"You don't wanna know."

"No, I don't."

"It seems that all the oddness has been getting under control."

Suddenly the plot of the finale is making a lot more sense to me now. "Strength in numbers" is a very lost concept on this Director and her agents.

"Hold on, that thing was an egg?!"

Suddenly the theory of Opie not being here for very long makes a lot more sense to me now. "Failing a spot check" is a very lost concept on this agent.

Oh, this guy and his dramatic gasps...Lord, I love him.

If Ozzie thinks some random-ass agent named Orly from Texas is the best agent in the world, then do I got about 13 bridges to sell him.

And before I sell him those bridges, I'm knocking down the pedestal he's placed Orly on.

To be fair, she does have a point...but the girl is taking being in a new country a bit too casually for my liking.

You're telling me my dumb lil' American ass can land in Britain and be accustomed to it in the span of a few hours? Off you will fuck. No way in hell.

"Everything seems really quiet here."

Even if I hadn't read "and Captain O unable to help" from the synopsis, I would have already taken this as a red flag shoved into my eye holes.

Oh, the inverse dolly zoom! I don't think we've seen that trick before. Nice to see!

Onom's busy running in place telling them about the egg, and Orli, the cheerful innocent gal she is, decides this is a good time to introduce herself.

Bless her heart, and I mean that so genuinely it even hurts me.

Okay, I wasn't expecting the screaming and running agent-in-training in the background. That's a delightful touch and a great mix-up from the days of yore when background agents, for the most part, just existed.

It's...his name...IS SHORT FOR ONOMATOPOEIA????????

WE ESTABLISHED THAT WAS DR. O'S FULL-ASS NAME IN ODDTUBE FOREVER AND A HALF AGO HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.

This, folks, is why the staff needs fans on the team.

Let's be honest: if this episode weren't all over the place, this would have been a much longer gag than it actually is.

And frankly, I'm glad it wasn't that long at all.

Oh they didn't just seal her in an ice cube -- they sealed her in ice IN THE FUCKING ROOM OF ODDNESS.

For a newly-hatched creature, that is downright fucking sadistic, strong-ass Director or not. At least when Oprah was frozen in an ice cube she was fine. Same goes for Oscar, and same goes for the Mobile Unit agents.

Aaaand another shot of alcohol for "Dance Like Nobody's Watching" ripping!

...mmmmmthworldspsinnign...

Onom is easily my favorite character of the main cast and I haven't even gotten through the entire episode yet. The man is just vibing. He's a chill vibin' man. How can I not love him?

Okay, this is just as sadistic. It's trapping agents in rooms and letting them freeze to death, which is arguably worse than just trapping them unmoving in blocks of ice.

(On to Part 4!)

[jackjackal]

Now...Rec #2 on my Master List...*drum roll*

For #1 on Jack's Master TV Show Rec List Pt 1: Detective Shows🔍 please click HERE!

For a more detailed description for new watchers or those unfamiliar with the show, please click "Keep Reading"...I have a lot to say about this absolute gem :3

OOOOOkaaaay y'all better buckle up cause our second show on the list holds a very, very deep place in my heart.

Here's a little bit on the Hardy Boys Nancy Drew Mysteries:

First and foremost...this show is OLD...old in the best way however!! It's from the 70s...so if you don't like old television...maaaaybe this isn't gonna be for you. Just kidding! Anyone (even those who aren't fans of old tv shows) will like this one! Why?! Because of several, several reasons. Which I will now highlight in the next points:

Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson are not only some of the best looking men (pictured in the gifs above) to have ever graced the screen...they were also LEGENDS of their time. Cassidy made his own music (which is CLASSIC by the way) and Stevenson was a pretty epic surfer (which is also showcased in the show in the most epic of ways). In addition to them...we also were blessed with Pamela Sue Martin as Nancy Drew for the first half of the series. If you don't have a crush on her by the end of the series btw then you are NOT normal haha! While we have some AMAZING lead actors/actresses, we also have phenomenal supporting actors/tresses with Ed Gilbert as Fenton Hardy, Lisa Eilbacher as Callie, and so, so many more!!!

Next reason you'll fall in love with this show...the graphics, while old as mentioned above...are so, so incredibly nostalgic! Even if you weren't around in the 70s (which I was NOT lol), this show will STILL feel nostalgic to you. To me, every time I watch it it's like I'm transported to a different, better world in which I have frizzy yet gorgeous hair, bell bottoms, and a leather jacket that somehow never makes you too hot (lol). But seriously...the show has a sort of magic way of taking you to that time and instantly relieving you of all your worries back here in the 2020s. It's literally insane how much this show can cure my bad mood. Like just watching the theme song takes my day from 0 to 100 (and that's cause the theme song is soooooooo iconic!! They even made fake book covers like the actual book series with the actors' images on them...like omg that's cool!!)

Final point I'll make for the show (cause just like with Case Closed...I could probably write a novel on this show alone) the Hardy Boys Nancy Drew Mysteries is great if not for the awesome monster makeup, plot lines, and zingy one-liners courtesy of Frank and Joe, but for the shear incredible chemistry between all the actors. Like Oh. My. Gosh! If I didn't know they were actors I would not be able to tell that Cassidy and Stevenson weren't actually brothers in real life. Their body language, the script, videography, EVERYTHING works together in this show to really sell that they're brothers. Not only that, but their interactions with Gilbert and all the side characters sell this home as well. Like I know it's all acting, but the looks they give each other and the way they tease each other during the little moments of the show like GAH! It...it just...I don't even have words for how awesome it is. Just go watch the show...you will 100% not regret it!!

Okay....now for the rating!!! I gave Case Closed a 5/5 and this show is no different. I will say that if I could, I would give this one like 1 billion stars out of 5...but I'll keep it simple and stick with the grading scale. 5/5 Stars! 🌟What a GOAT of a show!!

[intxthevxid]

Plotting Call

Okay hopefully this works. I'd appreciate it if you read through this before reacting and get some ideas in mind/muses to fill my ideas presented here! Hit the heart and I'll reach out to discuss.

Cassandra Cain - She’s a book seller by day and vigilante by night. She could use some friends both the superhero and non-superhero variety. Also possibly open to romance though it might take some time and patience for her to open up in that way, scared of hurting people. 

Randy Bradley - Still going to college. He needs friends though he’s not great at being social. Maybe also hook ups. He’s gay and still trying to figure all that out. Could also use a therapist. 

Daniel Malloy - He’s a journalist. Unaware as of now. Could use some interview subjects. Especially vampires. And government contacts would be nice too. Could also use friends outside of his job. 

Lottie Matthews - She’s a part time college student. The rest of her time is spent trying to cope with what happened in the wilderness. She has a lot of trauma from it. She could use a therapist as well. Maybe friends that have been through traumatic things. And friends that haven’t. Maybe romance? She’s a lesbian but she’s still hung up on her crush that she sees the ghost of sometimes. 

Harley Quinn - She’s trying to be a good person and help people. Though she’s willing to get down and dirty to help. She could use friends. Both superheroes and non superheroes. She could also provide therapy for others! She has a PhD!!

Samwise Gamgee - He’s a farmer just living life. He sells his produce at local farmers markets around the city. He could use more friends though. He can get along with pretty much anyone!

Marceline - She could use some music friends as that’s what she’s doing right now. Also vampire friends as long as they’re chill. Friends of any kind pretty much. 

Laura - She’s a noble lady still trying to get used to the modern day as she’s from the late 1800s. She could use friends. Also vampires? She has a connection to one. Carmilla. That’s the book she’s from. So that could be cool. Maybe romance? She’s a lesbian. 

Gregory House - He’s doing his doctor job. He’s not the most ethical but he gets results. Doctor colleagues that like him or hate him more than welcome! Also friends outside of work. Though he’s not the nicest or easiest to get along with. 

Gideon Nav - Sword lesbian! She’s trying to figure out this world as she’s from a different planet. She’s taking odd jobs here and there so give her a job. She could use friends of any kind. Also gym buddies! She’s super fit and beefy and she plans to stay in shape. Probably no romance cause she’s still hung up on her crush/not exactly ex/probable soulmate. 

Laura Kinney - She’s vibing though she’s conflicted about what’s up with Logan. She’s happy he’s alive but frustrated that he doesn’t remember anything. She could use super powered friends or regular friends. Also open to romance! She’s bisexual, female preference. Though she might take some time to romance. 

Bill Cipher - He’s trying to cause mischief. I want him to cause mischief. He’d love to get in with the government. So contacts there would be cool. Also just connections in general. Not open to romance cause… idk triangle. Mostly just want chaos and angst cause he doesn’t have his powers and he’s mourning them right now. 

James T. Kirk - The man, the myth, the legend! He’s vibing right now! He might join the space force eventually but as of right now he’s just trying to enjoy life. He could use friends and drinking buddies. Open to hook ups with anyone. Pretty good guy and super friendly so he can get along with pretty much anyone. 

Mae Borowski - She’s trying her best. Could use a therapist. But she’s trying to make the most of life right now. Might go back to school eventually but right now she’s just doing part time work. Could use friends of any kind. She’s not the most socially aware but she’s trying. Open to romance as well with anyone.