#they saved the life of a young queer person in an abusive home

[emotoangel]

now I’ve calmed down from the intense stress of trying to get tickets I’m so nervous to meet dnp like ,, what do people say and do at these things. I’ve never met them before I’m Aphraid

[therainscene]

I think I might have figured out what the Mind Flayer really is.

This theory has been percolating in my brain for a while now; it hasn't really finished baking yet but I wanted to get the gist of it down before The First Shadow debuts.

Let’s begin at the Hawkins National Lab, 6th November 1983. For the second time in her young life, El faces terrifying and deeply traumatic circumstances which cause her powers to lash out and rip a gash in the fabric of reality.

Meanwhile, across town, Will is doing what every queer 12 year-old has done and finds an excuse to spend an extra moment alone with his crush.

His little gay heart is as aflutter as the garage lights.

(Strange, that. The lights, I mean -- considering that he's on the other side of town from the lab. Do you suppose the Demogorgon trekked all the way to Mike's house and quietly followed him home again?)

Will heads home, lost in thought as he cycles past the lab. Is he thinking about how sweet his new X-Men #134 is gonna be? Or is he thinking about something even sweeter? The lights flutter again.

And something in front of him notices.

Will has always been noticeable: his clothes, his mannerisms, his interests -- they've always attracted the attentions of bullies. Now something new -- or maybe something that was always there and is only now making itself known -- has attracted the attentions of a monster.

He runs home, he calls for help, but he's alone, there's no escape. He races to the shed and loads a gun like his father taught him -- but it's not in his nature to be violent. He freezes, petrified.

The lights surge as his terror wrestles control of his powers and uses them to puncture an escape route in the fabric of reality.

Why were we so quick to believe that the Demogorgon -- a minion of the guy whose whole thing is his inability to open gates -- was able to open its own temporary portals in S1 and then never again?

Will could plausibly have been responsible for every temporary portal in S1: he’s at the Byers house when the Demogorgon pushes through its walls; he's on the run to Castle Byers when Nancy stumbles across that portal in the woods; and he's plugged in to one of Vecna's vines during the finale -- something we see Vecna plug himself into when he remotely opens gates in S4.

There’s one exception though.

Barb likely slipped through a gate in Steve's pool, but how could Will have opened that one when he was in his bedroom at the time, talking to his mother through the lights?

Let me ask you this: isn't it interesting that of all the injuries Barb could have obtained in her passage to the Upside Down, she got a nosebleed?

I think powers are more common than we’ve been led to believe, and gates are a last-ditch self-defense mechanism for anyone with powers.

This is why the four curse victims’ deaths opened a gate: Vecna pushed them to their breaking point to artificially trigger the self-defense response. Those headaches and nosebleeds weren't caused by Vecna directly, but by their own powers acting up as they inched towards oblivion.

[Shoutout to @givehimthemedicine's underrated powers and blood theory for the idea of Vecna's Curse being the overcharging of his victims' own powers.]

It was already pretty obvious that Vecna's Curse is a metaphor for suicide, and this theory reinforces it: every kid who gets targeted by the horrors of Hawkins for being "different" tries to find some way to escape.

Willel's misfortune is that their powers are considerably more easily manifested than the average person's. Byler tells the story of visible vs invisible queerness, but that's just a reflection of the larger theme at play in the show: the visible and invisible ways kids are othered and abused.

Max's trauma was a quiet thing that came from within and festered until it was almost too late to save her... but Willel's trauma manifests as a giant monster that openly hunts them down.

And I'm being literal when I say the Mind Flayer is a manifestation of their trauma.

We know that Vecna fashioned the Mind Flayer from a cloud of black particles he found in the Upside Down, but where did that cloud come from? The Upside Down is a mysterious enough place that it's easy to assume the Shadow is native to that realm... but what if it isn't?

The Mind Flayer is heavily associated with repression -- Will gradually lost his memories while he was possessed, and El lost her powers when the sliver of Flesh Flayer wormed its way into her leg.

But Will has mysteriously been without powers ever since leaving the Upside Down, and we've seen El lose memories too: her memories of surviving the lab massacre, in which she didn't simply escape by opening up a gate, but by disintegrating her attacker into black particles.

The Mind Flayer doesn't cause repression -- it is repression.

There must have been countless generations worth of traumatized children who took the extra step El did and sent their abusers -- or at least their memories of abuse -- into that hidden realm beyond the gate.

(There's also the possibility that Mr. Time-is-Just-a-Social-Construct is stuck in a time loop of some sort -- maybe the massacre has repeated hundreds of times, and Dimension X is a timeless graveyard of El's attempts to repress her trauma. This would explain why Henry seems to have both disintegrated and survived: we were watching at least two different iterations of the massacre all along.)

Whichever way you slice it, it's a perfect fit: the tool Vecna uses to perpetuate the cycle of abuse isn't some bizarro alien from an alternate dimension, but a direct consequence of the cycle itself.

The Mind Flayer tells us that escape alone doesn't work as a long-term solution: it might help you survive the initial abuse, but if you don't address the effect it had on you...

...it will come back to wreck havok.

[Edit: Click here for post-TFS thoughts on this theory]

[starrycassi]

I think a lot of young queers folks (like me. Not trying to be all elderly about this I'm literally a gen z) today need to watch the good oldies about our community.

⚠️: I don't mean, in any way shape or form to insult the newer queer shows/movies. I love SPOP. I love TOH. I read and loved Heart stopper. However, because of the restraint of mainstream media, they have a very... palatable?? way to portray the community. I am NOT blaming the creators (who I'm sure would love to go a bit further down on their portrayals if given the option)

SO! I have nice recommendations that I, personally, enjoy a lot. They're in no particular order.

A classic, for starters. But I'm a cheerleader!: Very campy, barbie-y, funny and free on YouTube. A cheerleader is sent to a conversation camp when her social circle realizes that she might be into girls. (It has a very unrealistic portrayal of conversation camps, though. Very cartoony) my comfort movie fr fr

Priscilla, queen of the desert: A trio of drag queens travel across the desert on a big, old bus. They fight, there's some falling in love. They talk a lot about gender identity, queer childhoods and similar topics. I've only been able to find this one (and most of the ones on this list, since I don't have any streaming devices) on illegal websites. There's very, very direct homophobia, SA, physical abuse, child neglect, yk, the American dream. The queens are the funnier thing ever, the romance plotlines are absolutely delightful and well-rounded. Focuses a bit more on the community itself and interpersonal relationships. All around, a solid 10/10.

Kinky boots: A very prude, engaged man inherits a shoe fabric. He's running out of ideas to stay in business, until he meets a drag queen. Same warnings (and themes!) as the last one. This one has a stronger focus on how the characters become more accepting and how our queen navigates being faced with them. I've rewatched it like a hundred times.

The birdcage (2000's) or le cauge aux folles (1970'): A gay couple runs a drag club. Their son brings home a conservative girlfriend and her family. This is more comedy lenient, but funny as fuck nonetheless.

Paris is burning: this one is a documentary, btw. Focuses on the life of drag queens in the 80's. Nothing I didn't already say on Priscilla tbh.

Saving face: A chinese-american girl that lives in a VERY conservatory and secluded community is trying (and failing) not to fall in love with a ballerina. At the same time, her mother (a widow, how scandalous!) gets mysteriously pregnant and gets kicked out of their family home. This one will hit close to home if you're from any ethnic, homophobic household. Cried a lot. Then cried some more. Happy ending, though!

D.E.B.S: THIS IS THE FUNNIEST, CUTEST MOVIE EVER. It's a full on romance comedy for when the mind is a bit too tired! The main plot is that, in a school of girls being trained to be top-notch spies (very totally spies type) a girl who's the top of her class falls in love with the biggest villainess they ever faced. More of a coming of age thing, that also explores the good old dilemma of choosing what the hell you're supposed to do with your life once you turn 18 (relatable tbh)

And now, for a book (in Spanish, though) we have "Las Malas": Narrated by a trans, poor prostitute. Extremely realistic in its narrative voice, cruel and very hurtful sometimes. This is actually one of my favorite books ever, it's so fucking underrated that I'm going to die if no one reads it. There's EVERYTHING. It genuinely drives me crazy to read this. We have queer moms, a child found in a freezing park, suicides, literally anything happens. I love it.

If anyone has any suggestions PLEASE drop them. I'm begging u

[xxstarlight-lifexx]

Some quotes I have from people speaking out against KOSA, please reblog, tag people, cross-post on other platforms, and share with everyone you can, all quotes are fair use <3

“This law is a scam, created with the express purpose of persecuting LGBTQ+ people and silencing victims of abuse. That is the only possible outcome of these kinds of bills.

Oppose them on principle. Be skeptical whenever they are even brought-up.

This isn’t about safety—it is a takeover of THE major avenue to disseminate information in the modern world. It is more than censorship, it defines the avenues that thought may even take.

It will lead to identity verification companies like Clear or ID.me getting more of people’s private data and guaranteed, exclusive government contracts for surveillance and data collection, in violation of the spirit of the 4th Amendment, if not the letter.

It is also an absolute certainty that conservatives in positions of authority will use this program to persecute LGBTQ+ people, with the force of the State, under the guise of protecting children from pornography and "grooming". It has been an explicit misdirection tactic the right has invented to poison debate on trans rights issues and the (unconnected) growing evidence of sexual impropriety among the powerful, particularly conservatives.

Furthermore, I and most others will not abide by this law, if it is passed, and will take whatever actions necessary to safeguard our personal information via VPN, encryption, onion networking, etc., regardless of their permissibility.”

“This is a violation of basic rights on the Internet. Whatever happened to Freedom of Speech? Or are we just gonna ignore a literal Amendment in favor of “protecting the American children" while many of those children are the ones against this??”

“having full privacy on the internet may have saved my life growing up. don’t take away kid’s privacy, there’s already perfectly reasonable ways for parents to monitor kids.”

“I think that people have a right to privacy online, especially children. This doesn't seem like a bill that would actually protect children from anything, it would just make important resources more difficult to access, increase censorship online, and increase surveillance, all of which I oppose.”

“There are three things you never give out on the internet for your safety. 1) Name, 2) Face, and 3) Home. This bill guarantees that all three will be easily available to those who wish to hurt the children this bill falsely claims to protect. If you actually care about children, stop this bill. Listen to what those of us that actually use the internet are telling you. Children and adults deserve a private, anonymous space to be.”

“i'm a queer teen and i know full well the importance online spaces have in supporting lgbtq+ youth, especially ones who don't have supportive environments in person. censorship doesn't actually erase the information, it just makes it harder to access.”

“I’m writing to urge you to reject the Kids Online Safety Act, a misguided bill that would put vulnerable young people at risk.

KOSA would fail to address the root issues related to kid’s safety online. Instead, it would endanger some of the most vulnerable people in our society while undermining human rights and children’s privacy. The bill would result in widespread internet censorship by pressuring platforms to use incredibly broad “content filters” and giving state Attorneys General the power to decide what content kids should and shouldn’t have access to online. This power could be abused in a number of ways and be politicized to censor information and resources.

KOSA would also likely lead to the greater surveillance of children online by requiring platforms to gather data to verify user identity.

There is a way to protect kids and all people online from egregious data abuse and harmful content targeting: passing a strong Federal data privacy law that prevents tech companies from collecting so much sensitive data about all of us in the first place, and gives individuals the ability to sue companies that misuse their data.

KOSA, although well-meaning, must not move forward. Please protect privacy and stop the spread of censorship online by opposing KOSA.”

“Censorship doesn't keep kids safe. Censorship does not save abused children. Censorship does not save queer children. Censorship will not save any of us. Freedom for us all. Freedom for the internet. This shit cannot stand.”

“This bill is a massive overreach on civil liberties and freedom of speech in particular. It should not be within the government's purview to determine what content is acceptable, no matter which party is in power.”

“As we all know, the major threats to American children today are books, bathrooms, and the Internet.

Not getting shot in their own schools or attacked on their own streets.

Since graduating from the public school system in 2007, I haven't seen anything from elected officials to contradict this.”

“KOSA is a censorship bill in sheep’s clothing. It would erode Americans’ rights to privacy, especially that of vulnerable and marginalized Americans, and gather information about the whereabouts and identities of the children it play-acts at “protecting”.”

“This is a ridiculous law

KOSA is a giant bill that is pretending to be about child safety, but is actually overreaching government censorship. It is a violation of free speech and the 1st amendment.

This bill would require that internet users upload their government ID to access any site, and state attorney generals could sue to remove any site that contains content deemed "harmful" to children. The government will be able to censor ANYTHING - such as abortion info, LGBTQ+ resources, and any content relating to protesting or organizing. They will also be able to ID you if you search for any of these topics. This is the opposite of a free internet!”

“The law is pretty much just a trojan horse for censorship.”

“frankly i dont want to be put on a list the gov has of every queer person who opposes their anti-lgbt laws”

“I care about actually helping people instead of making a bill that is going to kill any ability for anyone to get help. That is going to be used to police anyone who disagrees with the absolute mess everything is right now. The conservative morals don’t allow for anyone not white, cuz, straight, or male; and I won’t have that enforced on the fucking public forum.”

[vesper-roux]

WIP INTRO--ANTHEM: INTERLUDE

"You know, we make a pretty good team. Shame one of us is about to die, huh?"

🎶SVRCINA -Who Are You?

🎶SUPA GUCCI ╺╸ grieve ft. kyddiekafka

Status | Planning / Writing 1st draft (I have a lot of pantser tendencies)

Genre | Sci-Fi / Fantasy, Thriller

Form | Novella, likely to become a novel

Age Grade | New Adult (for language and violence) Characters begin the book as 13 and ~15-17, end as 19 and ~21-23

POV | 3rd Person--slight omniscient?

Setting | Ceador Empire--Vōā and Vērrå Provinces, Cave Cities

Themes | Religion, devotion and loyalty, class struggle, recognition through other, Man vs. Self, Man vs. Man, enemies to allies/friends, anti-heroes

Warnings | Death, body horror, general horror, rabies similarities, climate trauma, human trafficking, physical / emotional / psychological abuse, suicidal ideation

Synopsis | After robbing Lunar Bay Resort, home to one of the most powerful people in the empire, but being seen by a strange kid free to roam the private housing wing, a young rogue from the underground must engage in an elusive game as his witness takes the offense more personally than originally suspected. Their rivalry reveals to them a deeper, grim grasp on their places in society, their own buried fears, how they can understand each other, and hurt and help one another. This intermission in the Anthem series tells the story of an integral bond that forms before the main story's events.

Main Characters |

Galen (he/him) | 🖼️ | An overzealous member of a young gang in the Cave Cities, Galen is set on proving himself a trusted and invaluable subordinate to his boss. He is both resentful and overprotective of the only home he has--but not the only home he's ever known.

Willow (ve/they/he) | 🩸 | Training as a monk in the prestigious Yorough Temple thanks to vis pseudo-charge and warrior king of Vōā, Klaus Reitvelt, Will seeks to restore what little of vis pride remains and save vis life. Though none know of this injury to vis ego and why ve perceives this as a threat to vis life.

If you like__, you may like "Interlude"!

Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer for the weird plants and animals (the existentialism and metamorphic nature is for the rest of the series)

Heroes, X-Men, or My Hero Academia for "super"powers--everyone has the potential, but not everyone awakens them

NieR: Automata for its existentialism and a lot of other inspiration I took from it

A:TLA for the cat-and-mouse between Aang and Zuko

The dynamic between Leon S. Kennedy and Ada Wong in the Resident Evil 2 & 4 remakes

The complex (albeit non-familial in this context) relationship between Silco and Jinx in Arcane

LotR for its close friendships between men (not in a "what about the purity of brotherhood??!! 😱" kind of way; I am a queer writer who will always write queer stories)

Underground civilizations, figuratively through crime and literally in a mountain

An animistic religion slightly inspired by Shintoism, feudalistic society slightly based on Edo Period Japan

Fantasy languages inspired by Icelandic phonetics

The painting in the moodboard is The Fall by Alan Stephens Foster

[inklessletter]

Faith, should I take a leap?

Eddie was no stranger to fear. He’s never been. He was raised on it, he drank it since he was born. Eddie wasn’t even a teenager when he had to hide under his bed, or in the closet, or in the kitchen cabinet, next to the filthy trash can, so the piece of shit that was his biological father wouldn’t beat the fuck out of him. He was way too young to feel lucky when he came back home way later than he should, in the hope of finding his dad passed out on the couch, drugs filling his system. He can’t really make out any childhood memory that isn’t somehow based on fear. Not at home. Not at school. Certainly not a birthday. Not in the brief time he spent in foster care. Not even when his uncle Wayne showed up to take him home. God, especially when Wayne came into his life. He was terrified when he claimed him. Wayne, all awkward and candid, and full of “it’s okay”s and “you’re safe now”s. Wayne, with his pats in the head, and one-armed hugs. Wayne, with his consistency in worrying about him eating enough greens and doing his homework everyday. Wayne and his weird, rare habit of not yelling at him, or spitting at him, or slapping him when he spilled his juice. Wayne, who definitely didn’t beat him, or held him by the neck against the mattress to haphazardly shave his curls calling him a queer, a faggot, when he saw him and his friend Mark Harvest holding hands at the age of fucking seven. 

It took awhile for Eddie to understand that “the lucky days”, as in those in which he wouldn’t get beaten, was his new normality. Wayne has saved him from that kind of brutal, dehumanizing fear that built Eddie, in a way. The kind of terror that he couldn’t hide from, or run away from, not really, not when his age was barely reaching double digits. He was starting to make peace with it, with trusting Wayne, falling asleep in the coziness of finding himself finally at home. Feeling safe, cradled, taken care of. Yet Eddie woke up that one night screaming from a nightmare. Wayne came to his room, to see Eddie making himself as small as he possibly could, in the furthest corner of the room.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please, please, don’t hit me. Please, I didn’t mean to—” Eddie sobbed.

The pleas hung in his mouth as an echo of a past life, begging mercy to a hand that belonged to a man who first asked him if it was okay to touch him. A person who asked for permission. Like it mattered.

That night, Wayne taught him that fear might never go away, but he could fight it. He could armor up himself. He could find something that grounded him. He could run away, because when you’re in danger, there’s no shame in running. He could face it if he felt ready for it. He could ignore it. He could do a great number of things with it. 

“It gets to us all eventually. Fear, that is. We all fear something. And we all deal with it differently, but you’ll learn to face it and grow stronger. We all do, in the end. And it’s okay. It’s okay that you figure out the best way for you to face your fears, kid. This is a safe place for you to do it.”

So, he came back to the warmth of his bed, and let himself fall asleep with that thought in mind. He had a safe space to experiment how to face his demons. That night he really learnt what feeling lucky was like.

And he did just that. He came back to school and it wasn’t as frightening anymore. He’d come from an abusive home, and a school bully that was his own age was absolutely nothing. He built up. He taught himself how to look bigger, how to be louder, how to exist unapologetically. It took him years to perfect it. He dressed in dark, aggressive colors, sizes bigger, many layers, leather and cut off denim. He listened to loud, angry music, sung by loud, angry people that screamed loud enough to drown his terrors. He read fantasy, and adventures, and found it extremely exciting learning how different heroes and characters in his stories overcame his past, and his demons. Fuck living in crippling fear. Fuck hostile environments. Fuck buzzed hair, and black and blue skin, and being small. Fuck being silent. And most of all, fuck not feeling safe.

So when he was sixteen, he made his personal goal to create a safe spot, fear free. He’s gotten really good at detecting fear in people’s eyes. Like, really quickly. So there he was, founding a D&D club at school, retrieving lost souls with fearful eyes, giving them some space to create their own adventures, their own heroes, in which they projected their own tragedies to overcome, so they, themselves, could destroy them. So they could be bigger, grow stronger from their very own history. He could be that helping hand, he decided. He would guide them, he would listen carefully enough, he would learn about what decisions they usually made and throw monsters in their way that helped them to get out of that comfort zone, and face the danger. All in a safe space. A healthy one. He could do that. He knew how, he’d been there; he got out. He could help others find the way.

Fuck, he even found a way to provide (illegal) substances to help some fearful kids to get out of their own minds for awhile. Not that anyone would believe that his first intentions were honest, all loud and obnoxious that he was, all metal music, horns signs and ‘fuck the system, fuck the cops’. Not that anyone would believe that he really didn’t need the money, living in a trailer park in Forest Hills, not when he had a place to sleep and someone was actually filling the fridge. Not that anyone would actually believe him. Not that he cared, at this point. Not that anyone, in fact, asked. Business was good, and parties at Loch Nora were usually where he got most of his income, but there was in the middle of fucking Nowhere, Indiana, a hell lot of kids that bought weed from him because their minds were a scary place to be alone. Like, way too many underage kids asking for a way out to just be nobody’s problem. And there were at least twice as much pair of eyes looking the other fucking way. 

So, yeah. Eddie was no stranger to fear. Eddie knew that people dealt with fear in different ways. Eddie was fully aware that it made people raw, uncomfortable, wanting to run away, or towards it. But most of all, most of fucking all, Eddie fucking knew that you need a danger free environment to learn your ways. He knew what fear could do to people that felt unsafe. 

“They’re just scared, man”, Eddie said, low and breathy, shaky hand holding a half smoked cigarette. “I get it.”

Steve Harrington did not. Steve fucking Harrington did not get it. Not like Eddie. There was no fear in those hazel pupils of his. Which made absolutely no sense. Not with all Eddie knew those eyes had witnessed, not with every story that Dustin Henderson filled him in that involved Steve. Not with what he knew Steve had gone through.

“That doesn’t make it right.”

“It doesn’t.”

Steve let out a shaky breath, in the middle of the night, and took the cigarette from Eddie’s fingers to take a long drag. He looked into the void, brows furrowed at the top of the roof next to his bedroom. The sky was clear, the summer was approaching fast. He held the smoke in his lungs.

“I don’t know how you are so chill about it. Half this fucking town hunted you down, Munson.”

Eddie chuckled, tearing his gaze apart from the guy next to him, focusing on the blue eerie haze coming from Harrington's pool.

“The other half didn’t.”

There was silence, but Eddie couldn’t really measure how long neither of them spoke. Might have been two minutes, or thirty. Steve broke it first.

“I didn’t expect that you were the type to see the glass half full.”

“Did you expect things from me, Harrington?” Eddie teased.

“Yeah,” Steve replied, granting him a glance. “Shocks me to the core that you're a helpless optimist, though.”

“Why? Because I dress in black, and talk loud, and hate authorities? Or is it because I ran away when a minor fucking died in my living room? Is that it? Is it because I ran away, Harrington? Because I’m a coward? I’ve got news for you, Steve; that’s not expectation, that’s called prejudice.”

That earned him a look from Steve. And man, what a look. Eddie didn’t raise his voice, but from the way Steve was looking at him, dead in the eye, mouth hanging, he seemed pretty much offended. Eddie couldn’t foresee if he wanted to punch his face.

“That—That’s not it, Munson. Far from it.”

And with that, he looked away. If Eddie didn’t know better, he could say that Steve’s cheeks were growing darker, embarrassed, maybe.

“Then, why—”

“I can’t conceive that you’re so calm about it. How are you not freaking out? It’s just—” Steve cut himself, trying to find the words. His voice did a weird, wobbly thing that Eddie couldn’t identify. Eddie didn’t pressure him, waiting patiently so he could find the words he was desperately looking for to express himself. “You didn’t do anything wrong, and yet half Hawkins still give you those looks, and it’s fucking infuriating. Yeah. And you’re not—you’re not even angry, man. You’re not even mad about it. I’m mad about it. I’m fucking upset about it!”

Steve didn’t look at him while he spoke. He raised his tone a little bit at the end, and Eddie’s gut did something funny. He’s seen people get angry, and mad and upset at him, but he didn’t remember if someone has ever felt that way on his behalf. What a time to live in. 

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not, Eddie. It is not okay. Don’t say it is, don’t fucking dare to say it’s okay, man. Don’t fucking talk like you deserve this shit. Just—please. Please.”

And there it was, the missing fear in his eyes. Don’t fucking talk like you deserve this, he has said. Like you deserve this. Something clicked, and the knot that was forming in Eddie’s throat fell heavily to the pit of his stomach. 

“Harrington—”

“You don’t deserve this. It is not your fault. It is not.”

Steve still didn’t look straight at him, all brows furrowed, distant look and blue underlight. Steve didn’t look at him while his fear was showing through his voice, and probably, through his eyes, too. 

“I know that. I know it’s not my fault, and of course I’m angry. I just—I just can’t blame them, y’know? I can’t blame them for being scared. They fucking think I killed her, like I summoned a fucking demon to tear her apart. I’m not exactly thrilled either for being the object of their fear, but—I don’t know, man, it gets to us all. Fear, that is.”

Eddie parroted those very same words that Wayne told him that night all those years ago, probably because they got tattooed to his very soul as soon as he heard them. With this, Steve turned his gaze to Eddie, so straightforward, so piercing, that made Eddie feel a little bit lightheaded.

“Tell me ‘I don’t deserve this.’ I wanna hear it.” Steve lowered his voice, discarding the roach of the cigarette.

“Who the fuck would think they deserve a hell like this?”

“Please—”

“I don’t think I deserve it, okay? I don’t. I’m just saying that I get it. I know what fear does to people. That's all I’m sayin’. Jesus fucking Christ. Why would you think I’d agree to a fucking mob after my ass to burn me on a stake, huh? Who would—”

And he stopped. He stopped dead because now he could see the source of Steve’s fear. He could see now, in the gleam of his eyes what Steve was afraid of. 

“Steve, I’m not—I don’t think I deserve it. I really, really don’t, okay? Fuck, I need you to believe me when I say I’m not there. Absolutely not.”

“Okay.”

“Not even fucking close, okay, man? Oh, my god.”

Eddie felt a tingle creeping from the tips of his fingers, a thin coat of cold sweat damp his forehead. The air grew thin as he learned to read the fear in Steve’s eyes. As he understood.

“Why did you think I felt this way, Harrington? Why—fuck, Steve, why did you assume that?”

Eddie spoke softly, trying to swallow the thickness in his throat, trying for it to go to the pit of his stomach, as it happened before. 

“You weren’t expressing any emotions that I thought you’d show,” Steve said, almost apologetically. “You weren’t getting angry, or scared, or—”

“Loud, or obnoxious, or fighting the system. I see it now.” Eddie smiled, and Steve almost smiled, too. “So you became angry and scared for me?” Eddie’s voice was slim, barely audible. A tightness grew in his chest.

“I just—I didn’t want you to feel like this thing was some sort of karmic response, or any kind of cosmic atonement that you deserved. You—You just don’t. This situation, this is all fucked up. I just wanted you to understand it.”

“I know. I do.”

“Good. Cool.”

The question that Eddie was willing to ask was boiling in his mouth. He had a feeling that he didn’t want to really confirm. He didn’t really want to, because if what he was thinking was true, well, fuck him. That would break his fucking heart. It took him a full minute to speak again.

“Why?”

“Huh?”

“Why—Why were you afraid that I felt that way?”

Because I know how it feels, and it’s awful.

Because that goes along with deeply hating yourself.

Because I care about you.

None of the options that lied unspoken comforted Eddie. Not a single fucking one of them. Every one of them scared the shit out of Eddie’s guts. But Eddie, you see, Eddie was no stranger to fear. Eddie knew what fear could do to people. Eddie knew the many very ways someone could react to fear. And by the way Steve was keeping his mouth shut was a clear answer.

“It’s not your fault either. What happened to me, or what happened to you. You understand that, right?”

Steve snorted, still not looking at him. That sound might pass as the breaking of an hysterical laughter, but not a muscle in his face indicated that. Eddie noted that he was holding himself in the middle, and that his fingertips were white. Steve swallowed around nothing. He must have had that knot in his throat, too.

“I’m not sure about that.”

“Oh, come on, Steve. Give me a break. You don’t really think that a bunch of douchebags murderers paid by the fucking government for experimenting on kids that eventually tore an opening in time and space to another dimension was really your fault, do you?”

That earned Eddie something closer to a laugh, but Steve didn’t look apart from the pool.

“Not that, no. But—”

And he fell silent again. Under the blue lights of the pool, so still, not blinking, his face morphing into an unreadable expression, Steve seemed a statue. One of those that appeared in the Art History books, an old Greek god or something. All perfect locks and gorgeous factions and sad eyes fixed into the void. When Eddie realized that he was staring, he tore away his gaze. He wondered if Steve could see that his cheeks were getting darker, too.

“Do you know what happened to Barb?” Steve asked, mimicking the soft tone, still not looking at Eddie. “Have we—Have we told you what really happened?”

So, that was it. Eddie knew what he’d been told, though. She died in 1983, attacked by one of those creatures from the underworld. She was Nancy Wheeler’s best friend. A year or so after that it was told by the news that she was accidentally killed by a chemical leak. And that she died in Steve Harrington’s pool in a clandestine party. He only got to learn the mystical part a few months back, when Dustin told him briefly about it. Eddie nodded, quietly.

“Yeah. Kinda.”

“She was there, you know?” Steve pointed at the pool with his head. “I saw the picture that Jonathan took of her, and she was there alone, sitting in the pool, when she was attacked.”

“Hm.”

“I was in my room having sex with Nancy. Barb—she got hurt, Nancy told her to leave, but Barb stayed there, alone and bleeding. For Nance. And I was fucking Nancy Wheeler.”

Eddie looked over at the blue pool, and let Steve talk. His voice was tight.

“The worst part is that at that time Will was still missing, and I fucking slept after. Nancy went back home on her own. I didn’t even drive her back. Didn’t even fucking offered. That thing could’ve gotten her, too, and I was fucking asleep. How fucked up is that?” Steve stopped to visibly ease the knot in his throat, and by the force of his attempts, it must have been a killer one. Still, Eddie didn’t interrupt him, just let him space to find the words. “I didn’t even have the excuse of not knowing that something fucked up was going on in Hawkins, there was a middle schooler missing, and nobody knew fucking why.”

Steve tightened the grip in his own arms, and took a deep breath. Eddie looked at him for a bare second. His eyes were glassy, and his back was stiffened. 

“I have no excuse for that. I have no excuse for what I did after that. I was seventeen, I should’ve known better. I didn’t know what to do with—with that. With what I did, I mean. Nancy saw the bullshit I was, the shitty person I was, trying to ignore what happened. I tried so fucking hard, Eddie. So hard. For her. For Nancy. To—to cover up for what I did to her, to Barb. I couldn’t make it right. I couldn’t—I just—”

Eddie was no stranger to fear. Eddie could recognize it quickly and easily in other people’s eyes. Eddie could read the dormant terror, the trauma, in Steve’s voice, without even looking at him. Eddie could feel Steve’s knot in the throat, his voice growing thinner and shaky, the hard, white knuckles grip. Eddie was no stranger to Steve’s fear.

“Nance knew what to do with that feeling. She used it to give Barb’s family closure, to drag the government in the mud along with it. She’s so fucking smart. She knew what to do. She did it without me. Years later, and I still don’t know what to do with it. I still—I just don’t know, Eddie.

“Then the fucking Russians infiltrated in Hawkins and got us. They got us, me and Robin. They kept us for a few hours, they drugged us, they tortured us. I kept talking to protect Robin, and Dustin, and Erica. I just kept talking, keeping them busy, y’know? That was all I could do, buy some time. And there was this moment, this one moment, they hit me so hard I swear I couldn’t hear, or see anything for a full minute. And all I could think about was her. Barbara Holland. And I—I thought—I, fuck—I thought—”

“You thought you deserved it.”

Eddie’s voice was low and quiet. Eddie saw Steve’s hand travel to his own face. He heard Steve’s few deep breathings, letting it out slowly, calming himself the best he knew. Eddie lifted a hand, to comfort Steve, but he didn’t reach out. Not now, that Steve was all raw, and emotional, and vulnerable. Not now, that Eddie’s hand was also shaking. He put his hand in a closed fist in his own lap and took a deep breath as well.

When Steve talked again, he did it with a much calmer tone.

“I wanted to make sure that you didn’t feel that way. Not for one moment, not ever, because you did nothing wrong, Eddie. Absolutely nothing.”

“Well, I used to sell drugs to kids, but whatever.”

Eddie was unsure that dropping a joke would help the mood, but Steve laughed. He laughed. For a moment, but he did.

“Well, yeah. There’s that. You’re clearly no saint, no.”

Eddie smiled. Yeah, that was a good call. They fell into a comfortable silence that didn’t last. 

“You know, in all these past years I didn’t even step in my backyard if it wasn’t strictly necessary. After Barb died, I turned off the pool lights with no intention whatsoever of turning them on ever. My folks didn’t question it, they weren’t around that much, anyway. I don’t think they didn’t even notice.” Eddie looked at the very much alight pool. “After we got to learn that the Upside Down, where her body is, is stuck on 6th November 1983, I turned them on again. In that Hawkins, Barb was still alive that day. So I—I like to think that she’s still somehow alive, I don’t know, trapped in time, maybe? In a—a time loop? Like, stuck two days before where she was still hating my ass for going after her best friend. And I know that she’s gone, alright? For good, but—I—I turned the lights on. Just in case, you know?”

“In case they flicker?”

“Yeah. In case they flicker, and it’s her.”

The air in Eddie’s lungs got stuck under the heaviness of Steve’s words.

“You’re asking yourself to be haunted by Barb’s ghost, Steve?”

“I wouldn’t blame her.”

Fuck him. Fuck him for being so fucking damn familiar to fear. For reading too well in between lines. Fuck him for knowing beforehand that his heart was gonna be shattered. Fuck. Him.

“Hey, Steve,” Eddie spoke, fondness impregnating his tone. He took air, to tell him how nothing that happened was Steve’s fault; how he wished he could just talk him out of the guilt, shame, and regret he spent years perfecting; how he wished he could forgive himself because, yeah, he took some bad decisions, but he was just seventeen. But then Steve reacted at his own name, and redirected his gaze to Eddie’s eyes, and then again, Eddie saw a twinkle of fear, and a whole lot of rifts in his insides. The golden boy in front of him was absolutely cracked, and probably this was nothing he could share, not even with the Party, or Nancy. Probably with Robin, but, by how he was still slightly shaking, what he had just told Eddie, was probably the first time he said it out loud. So, under the expecting gaze of Steve Harrington, Eddie said, “thank you for telling me. It must have been scary. It was brave of you for putting it into words.”

Steve’s hazel eyes, under the blue light of the haunted pool, searched something in Eddie’s face. Eddie wanted to look away, he really wanted to, but he let him search whatever he was hoping to find. He let Steve study him, wondering if Steve would notice that he was definitely blushing.

“I think you’re brave, too.”

Steve’s statement was accompanied by a soft smile. Eddie gulped, and took a sharp breath. He smiled widely to shake away the sudden awkwardness.

“Look at us, the bravest men in Hawkins, Indiana. Not afraid of the apocalypse, not afraid of small-minded folks, not afraid of ghosts. What are you afraid of, Steve Harrington?”

The easy tone, suddenly loud and unnecessarily dramatic put an honest smile in Steve’s full—and fucking pretty—mouth. Eddie didn’t look long to Steve’s smile, but long enough to see it flake for a moment. A moment, when Eddie realized that Steve was, too, staring at his lips.

And see, Eddie was no stranger to fear. Eddie knew fear, and knew how to read it in other people’s eyes. And there was a trace of deep, everlasting, inherent fear behind Steve’s hazel pupils. Almost a trace of panic when he fixed his gaze again in Eddie’s dark eyes, after realizing that maybe, just maybe, he’d been staring at Eddie’s lips a couple seconds too long. Steve’s eyes, who dared to wordlessly answer Eddie’s question of what he was afraid of. Steve’s smile, that flaked until it was barely a smile anymore, gracing his face with the ghost of an unspoken truth. 

Yeah, Eddie knew Steve’s fear. It was the very same fear he felt after he laid on his mattress, seven years old, battered and bruised, his hair half buzzed, heavily breathing, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to hold another boy’s hand ever again. Feeling wrong, a big error of nature. Feeling terrified of ever meeting Mark Harvest’s eyes whenever they crossed paths. Yeah, that fucking, disgusting fear. 

He had so damn much to thank Wayne. That awkward conversation when Eddie was fifteen, the one that lasted no more than a minute, but it was all Eddie needed to know, that not in Wayne’s household was ever gonna take place any kind of hate for whomever he chose to love. It was that conversation that fueled him to, finally, at age sixteen, kiss a boy in that sweet summer camp in Indianapolis. It gave him strength to actually find a safe place, and meet people like him, and inform himself about safety and what was going on in the world for people like him, and going with Wayne to a clinic to get tested, and learn about his own preferences. He had indeed so fucking much to be thankful for.

But you see, Eddie knew fear, and he could read in the negative spaces of Steve’s family story, the constant absence of parents since he was thirteen, the loveless marriage and picture perfect nuclear family, money based, status based, that Steve Harrington had nothing close to a healthy, safe space to learn whatever he wanted to do with it. But Eddie, bless his soul, he knew fear. And Eddie had a soft spot for helping others to get rid of it. He could guide him out of that pit. Fuck, he could—

Eddie was no longer smiling. Neither was Steve. Eddie raised a tentative hand, slow and soft, toward Steve’s face. He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, wordlessly asking for permission to touch, like it mattered, and Steve leaned into his touch, holding his breath, closing his eyes. And then Eddie learned about that other negative space of Steve Harrington, another thing never told, never spoken how damn touch starved that young man was, in that big, empty, lonely house for that long. By how he leaned into the warmth of Eddie’s touch, how he melted into it, how he closed his sparkling eyes with fear and curiosity. God, Eddie could help him, give him a way out, a chance to explore until he was no longer afraid. Eddie could help him feel safe to be him.

Eddie was no stranger to fear. He knew fear, fear was familiar, it has always been to Eddie. In the middle of the night, under a blue, pale, eerie pool light, and a clear sky full of stars, with their heart in their sleeves, his soul lost in Steve Harrington’s breathy, quiet moans in between kisses, his mind and his body fully given in to Steve’s hands in his hair, or his waist—or wherever it felt right for both at the moment—; even at that very moment, Eddie felt a new fear that didn’t surprised him. Not a bit. Because it was a logical fear, the one that got him reading his fate in Steve’s soft, wet lips, that he, sooner or later, was going to be broken hearted. It was reckless, borderline dangerous to get experimental and unattached with someone Eddie’s been having a crush on since high school.

But Eddie was no stranger to fear. He knew fear. He knew his odds in this weird, new situation. His mind a mile a minute, he knew that they should be having rather soon a conversation about what was really going on there. Eddie absolutely knew that maybe he shouldn’t be kissing Steve that night, not after all the vulnerability, and the secrets spilled out. Not after talking about bad decisions, and regrets, and dead girls’ ghosts a few feet away from them. Not until Eddie made sure that Steve felt confident, and safe with him. Not after Eddie made clear that he would never hurt him, that while Steve was good at protecting people, Eddie was really good at protecting hearts. Not until Steve knew that they could take care of each other. 

He knew that he would have to work rather sooner than later about what was going to happen to him whenever Steve decided to leave him when he’d had enough. But it was worth it if it helped Steve through this. Steve, who was growing confident with every kiss until leaving Eddie breathless; who needed, desperately, to feel safe, and cradled, and taken care of. Steve, who cut himself raw to explain Eddie why he didn’t want him to feel like he deserved everything bad. Steve, who totally missed the pool lights flickering for a second. 

So, yeah, Eddie was no stranger to fear. And the panic rising in his soul at the melting touch of Steve’s taste in his lips was absolutely no surprise. Because, you see, that was the first time in Eddie’s life that he thought that he could live in this fear, as long as it was in Steve Harrington’s arms. 

And that—that was really scary.

---

Hey, y'all. I am absolutely in love with these two. This is the first fic that I've ever fully written (or posted), so I'm kinda nervous, not gonna lie. Thank you very much for taking your time and reading this.

Tbh, I've been using Tumblr for awhile now as an espectator, so, yeah, if I do anything wrong, I'm sorry. I promise I'm doing my best. I'm still learning (do we ever stop learning?).

Also, English is not my native language, so, if you detect any mistakes, I'm sorry about that, too.

The link to ao3 of this fic is in the title.

Again, thanks a lot, and I hope you're having a wonderful day. See you around!

[pcrfectstorms]

Introducing... 𝕰𝖉𝖉𝖎𝖊 𝕳𝖆𝖞𝖊𝖘

𝔰𝔱𝔞𝔱𝔰

full name: edward wayne hayes birthday: 8 august gender: trans man sexuality: pansexual / queer pronouns: he/him height: 5'7 alignment: chaotic good vices: drugs, smoking, sex, & drinking face claim: joseph quinn

eddie is a proud transman, he is the frontman for the band hellfire, a nu-metal meets 90's grunge inspired trio from Chicago, IL. eddie knew from a young age that he was a boy, came out to his parents when he was FIFTEEN years old, and while his mom was relatively supportive, his dad was not. the first thing eddie did after he came out to his parents with shave his head, he loved his hair, and while it broke his fucking heart to do it, it marked the start of a new beginning, and his first attempt to break away from the forced femininity of the last 15 years of his life.

his dad's abuse got worse, the name-calling, the misgendering, eventually lead to bruise that he'd hide, until social services stepped in, and he went to live with his uncle wayne. his uncle wayne is where he gets his love of music from, when he moved in with him he started learning guitar on his uncle's old acoustic, as it turned out the kid was a natural with a real ear for learning song by sound alone, no need for tabs. in freshman year he started a garage band with his friends, called corroded coffin their shows would always bring a decent little crowd but eddie eventually outgrew them, and when his friends went off to college eddie didn't, eddie found himself a new sound, and a new bassist and the band hellfire was born.

eddie moved to LA with his best friend and the drummer of hellfire, jd (@clockworkfm) just shy of his twentieth birthday, the band were almost picked up by a larger record label but wanted the band to tone down their image and lyrics and didn't love how loud and unapologetically queer eddie was, eddie refused to dull himself down for whatever ridiculous heteronormative bullshit was being pushed on him, so they turned down the offer, but it wasn't long before they found themselves signed with another LA based independent label, stranger records inc.

by twenty-three eddie had saved enough to for his top surgery, and that was when the eddie we all now and love really came into himself. his confidence sky rocketed and he started growing his hair out again, no longer scared to lean into what he's once seen as feminine now with a more, fuck you attitude to conformity he started to explore his self-expression more, messing around with his image, a little eyeliner here, black painted nails, leather skirts on stage, and showing off his top surgery scars with fucking pride whenever he plays a show.

eddie has a lowkey drug problem, but he's what you'd call a functional addict but has been known to show up to shows and interviews high as fuck, he's been using drugs as a coping mechanism / self-medicating himself for ADHD which went undiagnosed until very recently.

he's also worked on some solo projects, with an acoustic EP released in its own right under his stage name eddie hayes towards the end of the pandemic in 2020, he recorded and wrote the whole thing in his home studio, and it's his most vulnerable and personal work to date. currently, the band are working on their third studio album.

main ships: steve harrington ( @tthehair ) & scott carrington ( @clockworkfm ) & ashton fowler ( @moleculare )

[the-fiction-will-knit-the-real]

This is hitting especially close to home for me rn. I grew up in Fishers [class of 2013 from one of the high schools there], and unfortunately this doesn't really surprise me based on my general experiences with the community there growing up. Though I will say most of the book censorship I personally experienced was from my parents, when I was young I found the libraries in Fishers to be invaluable friends to an otherwise-friendless me.

I remember when A Fault in Our Stars came out, it was my junior year. I felt the intended audience was slightly below me in age, but I read it anyway, because I was reading everything I could get my hands on at the time [most of it, including the copy of A Fault in Our Stars that I read at the time, via the Hamilton East Public Library System in Fishers].

That book made me cry. It made me feel feelings. It hit very close to home not so much because I was going through the exact same things as Hazel and Augustus were, but because it was centered around places I knew well, involved handling cancer at a young age [my mom died from leukemia when I was just old enough to remember her, just late enough in my life that my earliest memories are sitting in a hospital room while my mom was getting treatment], and because the teens in the book were shown having the same wants and feelings as I did.

I can't even say it was the best book I've ever read. It probably wasn't even the best book I read that year [sorry, John, if you end up reading this]. But it was an important story to tell. It greatly improved my life to have read it. And I'm very glad such a book was accessible to me at a time when I didn't have anything else.

You see, living in Fishers was mostly a nightmare for me. I was a heavily-closeted queer person surrounded by a heavily religious environment. I was an autistic girl-who-was-bad-at-being-a-girl who no one ever invited to hang out, who was asked frequently at school why I didn't go to the school dances, but simultaneously was never actually invited to go with anyone. I was the kid with way-too-many siblings and not enough zeros in my parent's salaries, and I was the kid who was silently growing up in an abusive home environment. I do not mean it hyperbolically in any way when I say that books in those libraries were all that I had keeping me alive.

I don't live in Fishers anymore, I don't even live in Indiana anymore, but I've always wanted to be able to return. Indiana is a great place, and there are a lot of great people there. I love the Indy 500, watching Hoosier basketball, the Children's Museum and Indianapolis Zoo, Mass Ave and musicals at the Murat. I went to college in Indiana - I experienced the weird sports culture that surrounds Notre Dame as a grad student. I've driven most of the state roads throughout the state at one point or another, and loved every single one of them. I fell in and out of love with a boy who wasn't meant for me but who introduced me to the unique culture that is Southern Indiana and the Ohio River Valley, and I've seen all of those way-too-many siblings graduate from Indiana high schools and colleges.

Indiana is my home. And it always will be.

I know library censorship is an issue playing out right now across the country. I hate that it is. But this specific instance? Involves people I know. People I once knew. People I respected, and people I never did, despite trying my damn hardest.

And, most importantly, books. Books that saved me, books that I know can save, or at least help, other kids and teenagers and young adults growing up in the same hometown I reluctantly return to each year around the holidays.

It hurts me to know that it has come to this. I hate more than anything that I feel helpless to help fix this situation, in the same ways I felt helpless at ages 6, 10, and 16. If there is anything I can do from the West Coast besides share this with my friends and family that are still in the area, please let me know.

Here is my reply to the removal of my books, including The Fault in Our Stars and Looking for Alaska, from the Young Adult library shelves from the suburbs just north of my hometown of Indianapolis.

[6ofwandz]

The Codependent's Pain Part 7

It is so hard to explain how it feels to have a trauma bond with someone whom you think you love. It is an absolute mind fuck. Once the love bombing wears off and the mask starts to slide down their face, how it feels like now it is too late to just leave. How they trap you in this uncomfortable position where you feel frozen, unable to move and vulnerable to their every emotional influx. It feels like constantly being on guard for the predator to appear around the corner, the man you thought you fell in love with unrecognizable when the veil of my imagined reality slips from my grasp and I am face with the truth of everything I sacrificed in hopes that I would be loved by someone who was perfectly content using me for my own gain.

It makes sense, though, why I did it. Why somehow despite all my attempts to heal before I met him I got sucked into his orbit and allowed myself to disintegrate for his own benefit thinking it would make me a hero, like it would somehow heal a part of me that I had yet to discover, putting the responsibility of my fate into someone else's hands and passing them the keys to my life then wondering why I was lost. I was groomed to believe that the best I could ever receive in a love collection that a man that didn't expect me to cook him dinner, didn't hit me or pull me down the stairs, and who was interested in spending time with me. I was so traumatized as a child that I had literally no concept of what a healthy relationship could even look like.

When we say we don't want to repeat patterns I often wonder if we take the time to analyze exactly what we want to avoid repeating or if we just agree that we are going to do what we can to somehow not become the people who hurt us the most without any real plan in place? Because I remember how it felt to think that I was actually making choices that were breaking patterns when really I was falling for the same trap over and over until I was so wounded I could finally see it.

Complex PTSD destroys the functioning of a normal brain in response to intense and long term trauma. Spending every day locked up in my bedroom without access to the outside world and being cut off completely from any sort of ability to discover who I was in relation to the rest of society really warped my ideas of relationships. I had an extremely limited perspective on everything in my life having been forced to grow up in a cult that purposefully separated and segregated me from anyone they didn't agree with in an attempt to keep me pure.

As a young teen going into puberty I was given a purity ring in a slice of cake against my will. As a queer nonbinary trans person I have chosen to still wear this piece of jewelry as a sort of heretic to their bullshit and the way they forced me continuously into every box they could find until I was unrecognizable. I was forced to sign a purity contract and told that if I violated it any money that my parents had saved up for me to get married would be spent on a vacation for them instead of my wedding because I was then unholy, gross, something to be ashamed of.

I ran away from home at 19 to be with my ex husband because I couldn't handle the constant monitoring from my mother who was always invading my personal space. My parents had been severely abusing me my whole life and at this point I was just done. When my mom found out that I had lost my virginity to my ex husband she threatened to tell my father. I knew in the past that when she didn't like my boyfriend she threatened to leave me on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere without a cell phone. Or the time she made me pack up all my belongings to go to the homeless shelter and wouldn't let me call anyone for help and I had to wait a week to decide if she was going to let me live with them anymore or not.

So of course, they drove me into the arms of a man who treated me like garbage when we were together. Him screaming at me became a regular thing and he was always on edge. I was determined to make it work because I was so desperate for love. I stayed through his insecurities that made me throw away some of my clothes because he didn't like that my shorts were shorter than my fingertips, through the times he lost his shit while driving because I wasn't fast enough at telling him where to turn and we missed it. He felt like I was a good substitute for his mother and refused to help me with any of the household chores only to shame me later for my lack of ability to accomplish them when I was working a full time job and a parent to our own child.

I spent 10 years with someone who was so distant from me in the end we felt like roommates. That last year together, when he angrily grabbed my arm as I held our baby in my arms, chased me down the basement stairs, pushed his way through the door I tried to baracade my way behind and screamed in my face as I cradled our daughter, then later blamed me for how I pushed him to that point I knew it was time to go, there was no hope in repairing that kind of damage with a man who refused to go to therapy but instead wanted to destroy our time together by trying to make me feel bad for what a piece of shit husband he was.

I was just repeating the same patterns as my mother, willing to stay with an angry man because sometimes he made me feel special when he sometimes told me stories to go to sleep, did something nice for me ever couple of years, because even though the bar was in hell for the expectations that were placed on him the entirety that we were together he still managed to fuck that up. He simply didn't believe I wasn't worth doing the work for and I started to realize no matter how much I begged and pleaded for him to try to do better and go to therapy so that his child didn't have to have divorced parents he wasn't willing to grow with me. I had to figure out how to start over with no support for the first time.

[reviewsthatburn]

Bartimaeus is a djinni, enslaved by apprentice magician Nathaniel for the purpose of revenge against a magician who bullied him. When it turns out that the titular amulet is more than just a valuable possession, Nathaniel and Bartimaeus find themselves tangled in a plot against the government itself.

Full Review at Link

[tthebanished]

STATS

NAME: edward ‘eddie’ munson hayes AGE: 23 GENDER: trans man ORIENTATION: pansexual / queer  OCCUPATION: musician PARENTS: sarah hayes (mother), james munson (father) SIBLINGS: damien munson (half-brother)   PETS: black cat (ozzy) + racoon (joan) EYE COLOR: brown HAIR COLOR: brunette HAIR STYLE: short(ish), growing it out, soft curls   DETAILS: several tattoos, top surgery scars, scar on his abdomen  ALIGNMENTS: chaotic good ZODIAC: leo sun, capricorn moon, scorpio rising  ALLERGIES: ironically cats, penicillin

HISTORY

eddie is a proud transman, he is the frontman for the band hellfire, a nu-metal meets 90's grunge inspired trio from Chicago, IL. eddie knew from a young age that he was a boy, came out to his parents when he was FIFTEEN years old, and while his mom was relatively supportive, his dad was not. the first thing eddie did after he came out to his parents with shave his head, he loved his hair, and while it broke his fucking heart to do it, it marked the start of a new beginning, and his first attempt to break away from the forced femininity of the last 15 years of his life.

his dad's abuse got worse, the name-calling, the misgendering, eventually lead to bruise that he'd hide, until social services stepped in, and he went to live with his uncle wayne. his uncle wayne is where he gets his love of music from, when he moved in with him he started learning guitar on his uncle's old acoustic, as it turned out the kid was a natural with a real ear for learning song by sound alone, no need for tabs. in freshman year he started a garage band with his friends, called corroded coffin their shows would always bring a decent little crowd but eddie eventually outgrew them, and when his friends went off to college eddie didn't, eddie found himself a new sound, and a new bassist and the band hellfire was born.

eddie moved to LA with his best friend and the drummer of hellfire, jd (@clockworkfm) just shy of his twentieth birthday, the band were almost picked up by a larger record label but wanted the band to tone down their image and lyrics and didn't love how loud and unapologetically queer eddie was, eddie refused to dull himself down for whatever ridiculous heteronormative bullshit was being pushed on him, so they turned down the offer, but it wasn't long before they found themselves signed with another LA based independent label, stranger records inc.

by twenty-three eddie had saved enough to for his top surgery, and that was when the eddie we all now and love really came into himself. his confidence sky rocketed and he started growing his hair out again, no longer scared to lean into what he's once seen as feminine now with a more, fuck you attitude to conformity he started to explore his self-expression more, messing around with his image, a little eyeliner here, black painted nails, leather skirts on stage, and showing off his top surgery scars with fucking pride whenever he plays a show.

eddie has a lowkey drug problem, but he's what you'd call a functional addict but has been known to show up to shows and interviews high as fuck, he's been using drugs as a coping mechanism / self-medicating himself for ADHD which went undiagnosed until very recently.

he's also worked on some solo projects, with an acoustic EP released in its own right under his stage name eddie hayes towards the end of the pandemic in 2020, he recorded and wrote the whole thing in his home studio, and it's his most vulnerable and personal work to date. currently, the band are working on their third studio album.

[gothichorrorshow]

Y'all I have found an absolutely terrifying statistic, and we should be scared of what this means

TW: Suicide 

(Image description: A CDC link reading "LGBT Youth | Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Health" The description reads "Nearly one-third (29%) of LGB youth have attempted suicide at least one in the prior year compared to 6% of heterosexual youth. In 2014, young gay and bisexual..." End ID) 

In 2021, one in four queer youth attempted suicide. One in four. I was among those 29% myself. I have several friends both online and in real life who I know are too. 

It's so hard being a queer kid now because of how aware of everything we are. We're aware of all the violence happening towards us, all the laws being passed against us, and all the hate we face. It's hard to look away from it. 

And just because there's more openly queer people doesn't mean our parents get anymore accepting or our peers decide to stop bullying. If anything it makes the bad worse. 

I knew there was many of us who were overwhelmed to the point of being suicidal. I know because many of them are close to me. But putting an actual number and statistic to it... it's way more than I thought. 

I don't know why I'm surprised. My friend group consists of most of the queer kids in my grade and we've all been suicidal at one point or another. We've all been each others' reason for waking up and coming to school. 

We're more likely to experience abuse and neglect from our parents. Even if we have a good home life we're more likely to face bullying, harassment, and even assault from our peers. 

Even if nothing happens to us, we can be traumatized by the things we see our friends, our siblings, and our lovers go through. Or by the things happening large scale like laws, hate crimes, and statistics like these. 

If you're a queer kid who's suicidal, you are never alone. There's hotlines you can call, text, or chat with for various purposes at this link. If you just need someone to talk to who knows where you've been feel free to shoot me a message or ask. Don't give up. There is a future for you where you'll be happy, but you have to get through today first. 

If you're wondering what you can do to help queer kids when you're a minor, you can help one by sharing this post and spreading awareness. 

Two by supporting or creating local groups to help queer kids (e.g. school GSA clubs. last year I helped my friends create GSA club at my school) 

Three by reaching out to your queer friends and just checking on them to see if they're ok. Or even just talking to them. Offer them hotlines to talk to if they need it. 

It'd be so great if you can help even one young queer person. That's one life you potentially saved. 

[booksforthegays]

Do you have any non-YA horror/thriller books (preferably with sapphic or trans poc if possible)

Horror is my favorite genre, so i have a lot of recs for it thanks for the ask! I know a couple with both queer and bipoc rep so I’ll list those first and then separate horror recs after.

BIPOC & Queer Rep - - “Southern Reach Trilogy” by Jeff VanderMeer: Follows Area X a strange phenomenon that has taken over a large area of the coast and is being monitored by a clandestine organization. Probably the main one i’d recommend, though the mc (Grace) who is a sapphic woman of color is not introduced till the second book, every main character in this series is a person of color. The first book Annihilation was also made into a movie though i highly prefer the book series.  - “Abbott Series” by Saladin Ahmed: Graphic novel about a reporter in the 1970s is investigating a case of police brutality when she stumbles upon a sinister lovecraftian presence. The main character is black and bisexual.  - “InSEXts” by Marguerite Bennett: In order to get away from her abusive spouse a woman undergoes a terrifying insect-like transformation. Now free she must use her new found powers to protect her lover and their child. The main character is Indian and a sapphic woman.  - “A Lush and Seething Hell” by John Hornor Jacobs: Follows two stories the first follows a woman charged with taking care of her mentors home while he’s away visiting a sinister place from their shared past. The second follows a man listening to ancient audio tapes from another man traveling in the south. The main character of the first is Hispanic and a lesbian. - “Ring Shout” by P. Djèlí Clark: Follows a secret group that has dedicated their life to fighting horrific monsters that feed on white supremacy. One of the main characters is a lesbian and all of the main cast are black. Sapphic or trans rep only -  - “A Human Stain” by Kelly Robson: Short story where a woman is tasked with taking care of a young orphaned boy who resides in an ancient german castle. You can read this one for free on Tor.  - “Our Wives Under the Sea” by Julia Armfield: Very slow burn horror about grief. A woman must cope with the loss of her wife after she returned from a deep sea expedition completely changed. - “Mother of Stone” by John Langan: Short story about a reporter investigating disturbing incidents at a hotel that occurred after a strange statue was dug up on the grounds I know its for sure included in his anthology series The Wide Carnivorous Sky & Other Monstrous Geographies though it is probably available elsewhere. - “The Worm and His Kings” by Hailey Piper: After her girlfriend goes missing a homeless woman must brave the underground tunnel system filled with ancient horrors to search for her. - “Maplecroft” by Cherie Priest: Two sisters residing in a mansion in the 1890s take on a sinister evil that comes from the ocean. - “The Red Tree” by Caitlín R. Kiernan: After separating from her long term girlfriend an author takes up residents in a remote cabin where she becomes obsessed with the strange red tree in its backyard. Don’t judge the cover on this one its very ugly but i promise its good. - “The Lamb Will Slaughter the Lion” by Margaret Killjoy: A traveler searching for answers after her best friends suicide stumbles across a town of squatters who have made a pact with an old god. BIPOC Rep only - - “Butcherbird” by Cassie Hart: A woman returns to her childhood home where her family perished in fire to uncover the secrets of what actually happened that night. - “The Hacienda” by Isabel Cañas: After marrying a man whose previous wife died under suspicious circumstances a woman finds that her new home may be hiding a terrifying evil that no one can save her from. - “The Good House” by Tananarive Due: A woman returns to the home where her child committed suicide to take on the old evil that resides there. This one deals greatly with Vodou mythology. - “These Deathless Bones” by Cassandra Khaw: Follows the second wife of a king at odds with her new step son. - “Bloodchild“ by Octavia E. Butler: OEB’s most terrifying book in my opinion. It follows a young boy who has been chosen to carry on the lineage of the alien race that has enslaved his people. - “Beneath the Rising” by Premee Mohamed: Two life-long friends must face a great evil together after one of them unknowingly creates a machine that lets it enter our world. Please check any CWs here if needed. I hope I was able to introduce you to some fun new titles and authors!

[alastorseye]

About Remadora

When I say I really hate the HP fandom, I'm talking about the "fans" that hate everything about the saga, but still having Harry Potter accounts. They change the original story, claim that fanonical facts are canon, and launch hatred and death threats at those who simply like HARRY POTTER JUST THE WAY IT IS. Yes, I'm mostly talking about Marauders fans, which I joined after reading the books because I thought it would be interesting and funny. I suddenly realized how toxic and hateful that fandom was, it's like a cult dedicated to deifying Remus, Sirius, James and Regulus, and it seems that hating Snape, Dumbledore, and Remadora is a requirement to be a part of it.

At the beginning I used to consider Wolfstar as something funny, a bromance, it never bothered me, I mean... every fandom has fanon ships and I respect that, but the way they always hate Remadora and their shippers is something that MUST stop.

"You see!" said a strained voice. Tonks was glaring at Lupin. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

"It's different," said Lupin, barely moving his lips and looking suddenly tense. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely -"

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, seizing the front ofLupin's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times. . . ." And the meaning of Tonks's Patronus and her mouse-colored hair, and the reason she had come running to find Dumbledore when she had heard a rumor someone had been attacked by Greyback, all suddenly became clear to Harry; it had not been Sirius that Tonks had fallen in love with after all."

"And I've told you a million times," said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes,staring at the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor . . . too dangerous. . ."

When I read this part of the HBP I realized that Remadora was my favorite Harry Potter ship. Of course I wasn't aware of the death threats I'd receive later. I've read some "reasons" why some fans hate Remadora.

"Tonks forced him!"

We all know how insecure Remus was. I don't have to explain what's written in Wizarding World (Pottermore). This is the Remus bio:

Well, we can read that Remus was really attracted to Dora.

"Remus, so often melancholy and lonely, was first amused, then impressed, then seriously smitten by the young witch. He had never fallen in love before. If it had happened in peacetime, Remus would have simply taken himself off to a new place and a new job, so that he did not have to endure the pain of watching Tonks fall in love with a handsome, young wizard in the Auror office, which was what he expected to happen. However, this was war; they were both needed in the Order of the Phoenix, and nobody knew what the next day would bring. Remus felt justified in remaining exactly where he was, keeping his feelings to himself but secretly rejoicing every time somebody paired him with Tonks on some overnight mission".

This is so sad and cute, and that's undeniable. I cried when I read it. If someone still thinking that Dora forced Remus to marry her after reading this paragraph... I mean... they're probably talking about another book series.

"The age gap!"

I'm so satisfied to know that some Remadora shippers have explained this. When it's about a kid and an adult... OF COURSE IS HORRENDOUS! Because children are not physically and mentally prepared to have romantic relationships. Wizards are legally adults at 17, REMUS MET TONKS WHEN SHE WAS 21!

I mean, many old people abuses of young people innocence, or something. But we all know that Remus wasn't one of those! He really loved Tonks, and that's canon. I don't know what's doing in the fandom people who denies canon facts.

Remus and Tonks were two physically, mentally, and legally adults loving each other.

"Remus didn't love her!"

He was an introvert, Tonks was an extrovert, she made his life better. And of course, I loved the way he introduced himself when he was trying to prove he wasn't a Death Eater:

"I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map, married to Nymphadora, usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag." (Remus Lupin, DH)

Maybe I'm not the only one who perceive he was proud to be Nymphadora Tonks husband.

"I.. I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and have regretted it very much every since". (Remus Lupin, DH)

This phrase makes more sense after reading Remus bio. He used to think that he was "too poor, too dangerous" for her. He thought he wasn't enough for her. He never imagined that she would love him back. He was a werewolf, and of course he knew he was dangerous, you only need to be emphatic to realize he tried to get away from Tonks because he loved her, he didn't want to hurt his beloved woman!

If you don't believe me, read this again. It's in the chapter 11 of Deathly Hallows:

"Don't you understand what I've done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her, I've made her an outcast!"

So, if Remus was trying to escape it's because he loved them, he thought he spoiled their lives. And of course, no one likes to feel that their influence is bad for someone they love!

"Their relationship came from nowhere! They don't have a development"

Well, the saga's name is HARRY POTTER, not The Love Life of Remus Lupin. The story is about the tragic life of this kid and everything he went through to save the world of a cruel and dark villain. I know many readers are young people in love, and they only want to ship everything, but that's not the main topic here, maybe mother's love would be the topic. Of course Ron and Hermione had a development because they were HARRY'S BEST FRIENDS, and they were always with him, from Philosopher's Stone to Cursed Child. Remus and Tonks are minor characters, and it's funny the fact that this usually comes from Wolfstar shippers, so... is Wolfstar more developed than Remadora?! I mean... they can ship whatever they want, Snape and the Sorting Hat, Dobby and Voldemort, anything, but that does not give them the right to disrespect such a cute, tragic and beautiful canon ship as Remadora.

"They are queercoded! Their relationship is homophobic!"

It's surprising to hear this. It's like... people gets angry just because the author doesn't make queer their favourite characters? I will explain why I don't think Remus and Tonks are "queercoded":

Whether through their dress, their behavior, their language, or other subtle forms of implication, queer characters were written or designed to communicate their unstated queerness to those who were searching for representation.

And this is the definition on the website Pride.com:

"Using LGBTQIA tropes and stereotypes to allude to a character's sexuality without explicitly confirming it in the text."

We all know that Disney used queercoding on characters like Ursula, Scar, Jaffar. And why do we know that? Because DISNEY WANTED TO PORTRAY THEM LIKE THAT, get it? Disney, THE CREATORS MADE THESE CHARACTERS INTENTIONALLY QUEER. How? BASED ON STEREOTYPES.

And going back to Remadora, I was really happy to see by first time a bada*ass woman, with short hair who wasn't portrayed as a lesbian just because the way she looks. This character didn't follow the: "Straight women have long hair and are girly", and "short dyied hair is for lesbians". I'm very very very surprised the fandom follows these stereotypes.

About Remus: I don't know how the phrase "being a werewolf is a metaphor about people with HIV AIDS" means "he's gay". Fenrir Greyback bit him when he was a kid. Many people interpret this as "r4pe". Okay, even thinking that it is the meaning of the "bite", I still cannot understand how being "r4ped" and "infected" makes him queer. Is this (again) a stereotype about people with AIDS and gay?

"JK Rowling created Remadora because she didn't like people shipping Wolfstar!"

It is true that fans love shipping everything, they queerbait and queercode everything. That's great, that's not the problem. The problem is when people starts bashing fans who ship canon straight couples. A very good example is the polemic on Falcon and Bucky relationship, some fans wanted them to be a gay couple, Anthony Mackie said that two men can only be friends, and there is no need to always give them a romantic connotation. People cancelled him, they called him homophobic. Yes, just because a person with authority (on the story they're following") didn't like the fact of queercoding their favourite characters. It's the same about Remadora.

Grindeldore is a very interesting and underrated couple by the way. You can love or hate JK Rowling, but the truth is that Harry Potter story is hers, and even if Remadora was "because she didn't like Wolfstar", she is the author, it was her mind where these characters first appeared, as a big Harry Potter fan I respect and like the original story, that's not a sin. An author has the right to make some changes if some characters were misunderstood by the readers.

(Yes, I wrote this a bit angrily since I've seen too much hate towards Remadora shippers)

[dontjudgemeimawriter]

Syndicate Intro

(Working Title)

Moodboard post w/links

Tag: #syndicate

Genre: Urban Fantasy New Adult

More: unique powers, assassins, morality, crime, mafia-adjacent, city, heist, mystery, abuse, trauma, fire, redemption arc, mlm, queer.

Told in close first person, mostly past tense with some choice moments of present tense

Plot Summary/Synopsis:

Terran is an assassin in Calson City, where a criminal syndicate controls the city. Raymond was working with them until he rebelled and saved someone they were going to kill, and Terran was supposed to execute him but faked Raymond's death instead. Terran's learning morality, realizing that he doesn't want to be in this situation anymore, learning right and wrong, but simultaneously trying to hide what he's done to avoid getting killed as a traitor himself. Keeping his cover is the safe option but may come at the cost of any compassion or freedom he may have. The secret that Raymond’s still alive is threatening to come out, putting both of them at risk, all while Terran is still surrounded by the Syndicate’s watchful eyes.

Along with this, Terran is trying to track down Jesse Sutton, a PI he was assigned to kill but is trying to figure out a good way to fake his death. This leads him to follow Jesse's investigation of the disappearance of Jodi Gibson... an investigation that keeps leading him back to Raymond.

More under the cut

World

Magic System

Quick Magic System:

Nance: enhancements

Nyp: mental magic

Chaf: Communication & bonds

Gaian: Elemental

Vival: healing & the body

Calson City

(I’d like to make a post about this at some point but for now:)

Calson City is a somewhat dense city that, although much of the population is not aware of it, is largely in the pocket of the Judge, the leader of the Syndicate.

Calson City is located along the Sarala River and is divided into 6 districts:

Violet District: The oldest part of the city, mainly governmental buildings and landmarks.

Lapis District: “collegetown”, mainly Dante University but other colleges are grouped around this area.

Emerald District: Considered the cultural heart of the city, residential but more urban than Hearth, where festivals and celebrations are held as well as many local buisnesses. Terran lives here.

Crimson District: The poorer area, cheaper housing, more petty crime or at least a perception of it

Rust District: The industrial district, developed as such, businesses and factories, Hastings Press.

Hearth District: Mainly residential, focused on home and community, suburban vibes but still technically part of the city.

(Associated color for the Hearth District is actually yellow but there's no yellow)

Characters:

Terran: the main character and protagonist. Terran is a Nance (see Magic Systems link) and mainly casts the spell focus, which makes him more attentive but as Raymond points out, less compassionate and less himself. He's clever and thinks theough everything. Terran doens’t really know who he is, though-- he’s more focused on keeping them safe. Terran was taught from a young age to think things through, be methodical, and never take risks. He fears getting caught and killed for it. His arc is about finding out who he is, taking risks, and finding freedom.

Raymond: Terran's closest freind. Nyp and really good at it, a natural talent. At a young age he and Mika were taken in by Zachary and slowly trained in assassination, which Raymond rejected. Insyead of this betrayal getting him killed, Terran helped his escape. Raymond is good at school, smart in an intelligent way but is guided by strong moral principles. These come into conflict with his complete trust of Terran, his desire for his freinds to be safe, and his own wants. Raymond will 100% put his own life on the line for his principles and for what's right, but when Terran and Mika's are involved the decision is more complex. He's also totally love with Terran. He pushes Terran to be better, and his arc is about valuing his own life and forgiving himself.

Mika: Raymond’s twin sister. Nyp who relies on emotional instincts. Mika doesn't know Raymond is still alive and is greiving his loss, and it manifests as anger towards both Terran and Zachary. She's stuck with them as an assassin, knowing all too well the price of betrayal. Despite this, Mika is very compassionate and empathetic. She pushes against Terran, challenging him, but does sympathize a bit with him.

Zachary: Terran's uncle and guardian, lead assassin. Gaian focusing on fire.

Other characters:

Jesse Sutton: PI who tracked down Raymond, Raymond now helps him on cases.

Jodi Gibson: Chaf, college student. An old freind of Raymond and Mika's who is now missing.

The Judge: title for the leader of the Syndicate. Currently held by Alexander. Vival.

Abigail: Chaf, spy for the Judge. Before being a spy she worked for Zachary, Zachary views her career change as betrayal.

Jasmine: Gaian with a gas specialty, assassin working for Zachary who I had in the first scene and haven't used since.

Nicholas: (Dead) Terran’s father, Gaian. Terran knows nothing about him except his name and that he’s Zachary’s brother.

Ally: (Dead) Terran’s mother, who he knows absolutely nothing about. Nance.

Michelle: (Possibly not dead?) Ally’s sister/Terran’s aunt. Gaian.

Ariel: (Dead) Raymond and Mika’s mother. Zachary had an infatuation with her that ultimately led to their involvement.

Other

Playlist

Current taglist (lmk if you want to be added here or interact with this post)

@puzzleddragon02

@sleepy-night-child

@drippingmoon

@thegreatobsesso

Excerpts:

The “breakup”

Poker Flashback

Mika & Terran

Discussing trauma (short)

Bonus: Card & Falling Asleep (Raymond’s POV)

2 Truths & a Lie

Martel Bridge

Homework Flashback

Zacahry being threatening

[yellowocaballero]

I know next to nothing abt utena but I. I kinda am extremely curious abt the utena vs mcu comparative analysis? if you feel like sharing lmao absolutely no worries if not

I love all of you because I will post obviously bait and someone will always indulge me in asking about it. NO I don’t want to unprompted just start rambling about my opinions, YES I will share them though. I will make this as short as possible because I can talk about Utena all day. I will add a disclaimer that I don’t super like the MCU so I’m very sorry to any MCU fans, Winter Soldier was good. Slight, vague spoilers for Utena ahead. 

TL;DR: MCU is constantly selling feminism in the form of palatable #bossbabes and Strong Female Characters, while Utena’s form of feminism is a more systematic and nuanced interview of how the patriarchy limits, exploits, and controls women. It posits that a woman CANNOT be a #bossbabe while she’s within that system, and only by leaving it can she find independence and identity. MCU is sponsored by the Air Force.

So for the uninitiated, Utena is a magical girl anime that I’ve been jokingly calling Evangelion: For Her. It deconstructs magical girl anime and fairy tales, and critically examines Japanese society, the patriarchy, heteronormative culture, and IN MY OPINION boarding schools. It deals with themes of trauma, toxic relationships, toxic masculinity, gender non-conformity, queerness, abuse, maturity, coming of age, gender roles, memory, and narrative. 

I’ve joked recently that Tumblr would find Utena problematic if it actually talked about the show beyond the killer aesthetic and sword lesbians. Every female character in it is obsessed with men. Most of them are in abusive, or at least toxic, relationships. It has several gender nonconforming, queer women, who view gender nonconformity as adopting the role of a man in society and thereby idealizing/controlling/abusing women, as men do. Every character is a hugely complicated person who hurts others. Men control women and women are either subservient and controlled by men, or they use their position of assumed subservience to manipulate men, or they attempt to regain power by taking the role of men. 

On the flip side. Utena demonstrates how every character is turned into this through the rigid and restrictive nature of (it’s Japanese, so Japanese, although it’s broadly applicable) society. Women who do not fit into these pre-set molds are punished and ostracized. Young boys are groomed by older men in order to fit these abusive molds, and otherwise well meaning men hurt women because they are not taught how to interact with women in healthy ways. The show is basically about how society takes the genuine need for love, intimacy, and human connection among children and beats them into societally accepted molds that keep power in the hands of powerful men. The patriarchy is ultimately a tool of powerful men that abuses and controls both men and women. Ever hear of no ethical consumption under capitalism? Try no ethical love under the patriarchy! 

So, no, Utena doesn’t really have a lot of ‘strong female characters’. But that’s really kind of the point - how can a woman be strong in this system? When a woman tries to gain strength, does she just try to imitate masculine values that we’re brainwashed into perceiving as strength? Is masculinity healthy? Can Utena really be gnc, or will a gnc woman never be accepted as a man by a society that profits off the victimization of women?

I’m not asking the MCU to analyze all of this, because they’re blockbuster movies and I don’t want or need them to get #deep. However, superhero movies will never look at the systematic and societal structures that build heroes and villains so long as the nature of superheroes inherently hinges upon the ‘Great Man’ system (basically an obsession with heroes and salvation through singular men instead of communities and movements). The MCU Spider-Man movies were so frustrating about this: it goes through the effort of saying that capitalism and injustice created the Vulture, but all that does is make a sympathetic villain - it never goes so far as to say that Peter is being fed into this system (by Tony Stark) like meat into a meat grinder that continues to prioritize the special over the collective. I don’t even need to get into Far From Home. The MCU constantly acknowledges these injustices (the way it acknowledges that the Air Force in Captain Marvel is sexist and racist) but it twists around that acknowledgement into assertion that superheroes and good guys CAN exist in this unjust system, and that they can utilize the power of this unjust system in order to provide salvation. Utena has Japanese Buddhist roots over this Christian ideal of the saviour/messiah: it encourages saving ourselves, and says that we cannot be saved by others, only aided and guided in that journey. 

Captain Marvel cannot be a ‘feminist’ film, no matter how much it celebrates Carol for embracing her individuality and autonomy in a discriminatory system, so long as Carol remains within that system. In contrast, the only way that Utena was able to live in gay happiness with Anthy was by rejecting the patriarchy, structure, and society completely. Carol is a shining, premier, ‘ideal’ example of a woman in the Air Force - tough and independent yet obedient and responsible to her system. Utena is also masc and gnc, but it actually explores how performing that masculinity isn’t a repudiation of the system, it’s just striving to attain status as the oppressor instead of the oppressed (absolutely crucial note that Utena doesn’t strive to be a man, she strives for masculinity). The #girlbosses in Black Panther are characterized by their complete and total loyalty and lack of ambition to authoritarian male figures and autocratic systems (Black Panther is really good and I like it a lot, this isn’t a criticism). Judi in Utena is also completely obedient and loyal to the male-dominated structure of the Student Council, but it’s shown as preventing her from accepting her lesbianism and pursing her desires. Black Widow, #girlboss extraordinaire, is devalued as a woman through her infertility and this is completely played straight and uncritically in a move that’s stunningly 1970s. Nanami in Utena (metaphorically) is confronted with her perceived lack of suitability for maternal life - and how the reason why she’s desperate for this is because it’s the promised unconditional love she never received. This isn’t even getting into the men - Tony Stark using tools of war to end war, which is an oxymoron. Peter Parker’s divorce from his working class roots into mindless imitation of authoritarian paternal figures and him literally being handed the cutsey drone strikes. Women in the MCU are ‘cool’, women in Utena are complex, flawed, and nuanced. 

We know the MCU isn’t woke. I don’t want it to be woke. But it keeps on pretending to try and it’s frustrating me. It continually just gets enough there to make me think about it and give the shiny sheen of that feminism while refusing to engage meaningfully with what they’re doing. I’d rather they didn’t try at all, because they consistently raise the question (hey it’s fucked up that the working class is getting screwed over and the Vulture’s doing what he’s doing for a reason!) and then refuse to answer it authentically or genuinely (but he’s evil so we don’t gotta touch that). I’m not gonna use the word pandering, but...that #girlboss shot in Endgame, come on...

Utena meaningfully treats the women as women who Live In A Society, and how that fucks them up, and how the only way they can be free is if they realize there’s no wizard behind the curtain, recognize the injustices, and repudiate the game. MCU says that a woman can be liberated and strong if she achieves specialness and strength within the system - if she ‘wins’ the game. But women don’t win this game. That’s the point of the game. Because when women win, men perceive themselves as losing, and that’s unacceptable. Captain Marvel and the MCU is a consolation prize for what women are consistently denied: complex and flawed characterizations. 

I’m normally uninterested by #feminism but Utena gets it. Thanks for the ask!