#they put theirs on instagram stories but im not ready to show it to people i know

[justanothersillypoet]

Do Better

Do Better,

For yourself, for your friends,

For those who worry and those who care

For the future, for your past,

For who you're becoming

For who you were

But is it that easy?

Am I taking time for me or isolating?

Taking a rest day or rotting again?

Do I need to stop or start?

Eat more or less?

Speak more or speak less?

Move away from one end of the seesaw,

Only to tumble off the other side.

How do I tell people things when they can't help?

What's to much or too little?

How do I explain my fears,

Without making it seem like i don't care for them,

Make them think I don't care as much as they do,

Or that I don't appreciate them

I can't loose another friend to that.

"Text people you care for"

But what do I say?

A small "hey" is useless,

A "how are you?" Seems dry,

What things can you share,

On the days you're doing nothing at all.

Slipping,

Slipping away again,

One missed message,

One new group appears for you to be just outside of,

One thought of "you're annoying"

One day of "maybe not today"

Slipping back into it,

The old ways

How to balance,

How to escape,

How to feel,

How to be just that little bit more ok.

The seesaw is swaying,

Never balancing at all,

All I can hope,

Is maybe this time...

I don't fall.

[khaycaprithewriter]

The Black Sheep

I really wanted to start of this next post with a short story. I remember a conversation I had with my cousins, Ben and Kiera. I do not remember exactly how it started but we ended up talking about me being adopted and all the feelings and emotions tied into it that I have experienced. They both told me something that took me by surprise. “We didn’t even know you were adopted, we just knew we were cousins”. It was all just love, genuine family love and they didn’t love me any different or any less. No matter what, we were family. I have always wanted to write about my life being a black girl in an all white family. I did not want to write it really for myself but, for all of you. All my life I have been asked “oh, whats it like being adopted?” or “oh your family is white? How is that?” and my usual response is, “what do you mean HOW is it?” like they’re asking a waiter about a dish on a goddamn menu! Its rude, its insulting to me, it makes me feel like an alien on mars. We all have family whether it is blood or not they are my family. Its not weird, its beautiful and normal and the fact that people still question this is getting so annoying. So many kids are born and unwanted or mistreated by a parent who does not even give a fuck about them. But, here I am brought into this world by a woman who was not able to raise me and chosen by a woman who had been praying for a daughter like me. I was chosen, I was wanted by an entire family ready to welcome me with love and care, genuine love and care. Now, another thing I wanted to address is how I was adopted. I have had multiple people throughout my life ask me “what was it like to be an orphan?” IS THIS ANNIE? I swear some of y'all swear we live in 1932 and I was left at the steps of an orphanage and my mom just happened to stumble across me and take me and raise me. NO, I was not an orphan. My birth mom was a crackhead, had aids, went to jail. There was no way she was able to keep me even if she wanted to. I am not going to go too into my adoption because I already made a post about this on my instagram. Just know that I was not an orphan. Growing up, I never felt different and to be honest, I felt like everyones family looked just like mine because my best friend from childhood had a white sister and they had black parents. It was normal to me, it was all normal to me until the first time I got called a nigger. This little ugly boy from elementary school said “do you know what a nigger is?” I said “no but I know it is a bad word and I don't like it” he proceeded to say “well, its what you are! You're a nigger, my daddy said you're a nigger”. My heart broke, I was so hurt because I still had no idea what it meant and when I figured out what is was I cried for hours. “Am I different than you?” I often asked my mom and she always assured me that I was not. But “nigger” kept ringing in my head every time I walked into that classroom. I was only 7 or 8 at the time. Growing up, this was my harsh reality. Any time I went anywhere with my family we would get stared at. The looks that people gave us were so nasty, like they were trying to figure out why I am out in public in an all white town with these white people. Whenever I am with my family and were shopping and I put my stuff with theirs on the counter, “oh aren't you going to separate that?” then we say “no were all together”  THEY ARE SHOOK. “oh....okay.” Its embarrassing that we live in a world where we cannot even shop together without getting looked at. I can't walk down the street with them and not get stares. When I go out in public with Naomi AND my family, they REALLY try to figure that one out! How is this older white lady with a black girl and her baby? They never assume that I am her daughter and she is her granddaughter. It hurts that I can go out with Rasheeds family and nobody bats a fucking eyelash. Yet, when I go out with my family the security cards look me up and down and people try to figure us out. I have a family, an amazing one at that. But I still feel sad whenever I go out with them because nobody just sees us as “family”.What kills me is when I go on vacation with my family and join them at the pool or at the beach and they assume I just crashed their party or just took one of their spots, so close minded and so hypocritical.  I went to my godmothers funeral hysterically crying only to find out almost nobody knew who I was. I went to my grandmothers funeral and my grandfather was holding my hand and this lady walks up to me and says “Its really quite nice that you showed up today” I said “excuse me?” she continued to say “well usually home health aids do not come to these things��� My heart sank and I will never forget the look on my grandfathers face. He was so hurt, so confused, so angry” he gripped my hand hard and I laid my head back on his shoulder and said “Im their granddaughter”. The lady chuckled emabressed and walked away. It was the saddest feeling I felt and this was yet again one of the only times I felt different and like I did not belong. I had wondered if anyone would ever see this as my family and the older I get I feel like nobody will ever understand. So no, there is nothing different about my family to me, but to YOU it is different. Its foreign, its taboo, its unnatural. All because my skin is darker than theres. My family has always loved me, accepted me, been there for me no matter what the circumstances. I have so much family and so much genuine love people wish they could have from their own families. I think whoever reads this should take a second look before they ever judge me again, before they ever question about what its “like” being adopted. I do not feel different than them, but others will do anything in their power to make sure I do. There is no other way to describe it other than, that IS 100% my real family, I didnt just join, I was here from the go. They're not my “white people” they are my family and if I ever here anyone comment on them or call them my “white family” I will confront you and shut down your comments. Also to answer one last burning question, yes they are all mostly republican, yes our thanksgivings are interesting, no we do not agree 100% on everything but we are able to talk about things and talk about how we feel about certain things. We talk, we state our opinions and then we are back to normal back to family. Just because we have different political points does not mean they are going to shut down my opinions or “disown” me and I will not just shut them out of my life. That is the problem in our society today, we are so quick to block and delete just over someone else opinion when we don't even know what they are going to say! 

I hope you all really enjoyed this blog, I know its lengthy again but theres a lot that has to be said about things. Especially, if you are the one asking for answers to these questions. I appreciate you all so much! Look out for the next post, its going to be something very personal and I am really nervous about posting it so please send good vibes my way! I want to be as open as possible with everyone. I love y'all, stay tuned!