justanothersillypoet

[justanothersillypoet]

Boats

We are all boats on a lake,

Some people have sailboats that flow with the wind,

Some speed board speeding from place to place,

Some sit still and let others come to them,

Other seek out the other boats.

Some boats naturally drift together,

Some cross by chance and never leave,

Some signal from across the way as they pass by.

I sit in a tiny boat,

The waves push me to and frow,

The bigger boats guide me,

I follow where they lead.

My signal is broken,

I see the boats fade,

I have very little radio.

I miss the boat that were here,

But I don't know how to reach them,

I never have know.

The radio is in my hand,

I don't know how to call,

Someday's I'm greeted and it's all I wish for.

But I hope you stay in my waters,

I hope you call out to me,

And someday maybe,

I'll be able to reach out first

[justanothersillypoet]

Worth

"What's the point then"

Said so long ago,

Not my first role,

But my first sung solo in that group,

You asked when you'd get to see it,

I said I wasn't sure,

Those words came so immediately.

I still remember the sinking feeling,

That it didn't matter cause I wasn't on a big stage,

Because it wasn't worth it,

Cause my achievement wasn't worth it.

I quit not long after,

I remember feeling sick at the thought of going back,

Cause what was the point?

You didn't mean to remind me of that either you words,

I don't think you even meant to imply a lack of worth,

But you did,

The show wasn't worth it if it wasn't in your big venue,

That the only shows I ever had big roles in were worth less.

But I won't quit this time,

I won't stop this time,

I don't think she'd want those words to cut so deep over 10 years later,

And I don't think you'd want yours to do the same.

[justanothersillypoet]

Lose Lose

I don't know why it reminds me of it but it does,

The smaller theatre, like the other place,

Small but kind,

That one had a stage and this does not,

I see that.

It reminds me of the intimacy of the space we used before,

It reminds me of pirates in so many forms,

Of laughter and of joy and of silliness,

Your reaction males me wonder if you'll hate the show we made,

The show I think fits into that small but fun space,

The show that is panto to its core but I'd feel outsized in the larger room,

Overwhelmed,

Far from thr audience,

Far from eachother.

"No ones arguing it isn't the better space",

Ha,

If only you knew I was never settling for him,

The bright red seats and the shitty back stage are something i love,

I don't care if the public come,

I don't care if its just us students in our shitty little venue,

No one cares for student theatres anyway,

It wasn't made for them,

It was made for us.

I can't say that,

But I wish I could,

Its not ideal but it's ours,

It's not the big perfect show you want it to be,

But it's ours.

That's what I always cared about anyway.

I'll shut up if I'm alone in this,

I'll let the show happen wherever it does,

I just mourn a little what I thought we represented,

What I feel is slipping away bit by bit.

I just hope if the story doesn't go your way,

You can do so too.

[justanothersillypoet]

Sleeper agent

Promises,

Promises I make myself,

Like a set of rules to follow.

I remember it so clearly,

One of these promises,

Back when we were new,

Back when so many of us were new to eachother,

But that's a different thought.

I remember hearing it through the worries,

A subtle dig not aimed at me,

Or at least I don't think it was,

Maybe it wasn't even a dig,

I wouldn't be like them.

A sleeper agent i didn't know I had.

It helped back then,

The emotions ignored,

From crying to in charge,

For I wouldn't be like them.

Now the rules are overwhelming,

I wouldn't be like them,

Or her,

Or him,

Those who came before me whole mistakes I must learn from.

Too many mistakes,

Too many things out of my control,

I'm not like them,

But I am,

So I hide it in myself,

I scream from the inside,

There's nothing I can do anyway but wait.

Deep down I know I wouldn't be a bad person,

Its a different role I play than they did,

But the urge to hide it all remains,

I can keep it and cope with it,

It just costs a little to myself,

A little sanity or a little time or a little cry or all three.

I think somewhere in the rules,

In the comparisons,

In the fears and assumptions and worries and doubts,

Somewhere in all that,

I forgot that I am a human too

[justanothersillypoet]

Like me

You're like me,

The worst of me,

But also the most hurt of me.

If you knew half of what I knew,

It would break you.

You deserve it,

You don't deserve it,

Maybe both these statements are true.

You've dug your own grave,

But in some ways some people gave you shovels,

Maybe some people still are,

But it's out of kindness.

You feel left out,

In some ways you are,

Other ways not,

You lie,

Or do you simply misunderstand,

You hurt,

Or simply fight when hurt.

It's not healthy,

For any of us,

But part of me wishes to help,

Part of me can't wait for it all to stop.

Cycles continue,

I see you in me,

I see all I fear is true about you in me.

Maybe we're not so different,

Maybe I just hide it better.

I see someone else in me to,

I think that's why I always partly understood him better than most,

And I think that if they ever saw it in me too,

All would be lost.

They say they don't hate either of you,

I believe that too,

But you annoy them,

I don't think it's fully weaponised incompetence,

Or maybe I just do that too.

I see the distorted mirrors between us,

All they say about you is what I fear they say about me too,

But I can never tell a soul,

Cause then the mirror becomes true.

Am I lying?

No

A hypocrite,

Maybe.

But at least I'm self aware,

I look away from the mirror by choice,

Cause I hate what I see in you,

In me,

In both of us....

Don't worry,

It annoys me too.

[justanothersillypoet]

I am the witness,

I am willing,

But I am scared.

I am a protector once more,

I am willingly framed,

But this is the end.

Let it be,

Let me be free.

Parallels

So many parallels,

Maybe some are mistakes being remade,

I'm not on the defence I'm the prosecution,

Not even there,

Watching in the back,

But you know this.

These things take time,

But the blow up is now,

The bomb is back,

He's set and ready to boom.

The final boom I fear,

The final boom of the saga,

The beginning of a new one,

For worse,

For better,

For both.

I'm standing here useless,

I can't defuse the bomb,

It will shatter into 100 more,

And my duty will not be done.

I have a time this time,

I have the number of days,

They can't come quick enough.

Let this end.

Let this all be a dark memory.

Two for two,

What a sad repeat.

Let it be,

Let me be free.

[justanothersillypoet]

Parallels

So many parallels,

Maybe some are mistakes being remade,

I'm not on the defence I'm the prosecution,

Not even there,

Watching in the back,

But you know this.

These things take time,

But the blow up is now,

The bomb is back,

He's set and ready to boom.

The final boom I fear,

The final boom of the saga,

The beginning of a new one,

For worse,

For better,

For both.

I'm standing here useless,

I can't defuse the bomb,

It will shatter into 100 more,

And my duty will not be done.

I have a time this time,

I have the number of days,

They can't come quick enough.

Let this end.

Let this all be a dark memory.

Two for two,

What a sad repeat.

Let it be,

Let me be free.

[justanothersillypoet]

Okay

Everything OK now,

But I can't stop wondering,

Was I a bad person for thinking it wouldn't be?

[justanothersillypoet]

Sinking feeling

I hate that were thinking it,

It's you,

I trust you,

I used too.

The sinking feeling remains,

I'm not alone in it,

It hurt to think about,

What if it's real,

What if it's not.

What if we've failed,

You

Them

Both

It's probably nothing,

I hope it's nothing,

Sinking feeling,

It sucks

[justanothersillypoet]

Sinking feeling

I hate that were thinking it,

It's you,

I trust you,

I used too.

The sinking feeling remains,

I'm not alone in it,

It hurt to think about,

What if it's real,

What if it's not.

What if we've failed,

You

Them

Both

It's probably nothing,

I hope it's nothing,

Sinking feeling,

It sucks

[justanothersillypoet]

Watching

I look at you from a distance,

Through words that give so much insight into you,

I read your words but once again do not share,

"Are you OK?"

I wonder from a distance,

I wonder if you are doing the same,

From your side of the fence

[justanothersillypoet]

Defence

Court is in session,

I don't know anymore who you'd choose,

I think for a while maybe it was me,

Now I'm not so sure.

Either way,

I'm standing at your bench,

The evidence is Pileing,

I don't think your a monster,

But I think your wrong this time.

It's getting harder to defend you,

To know what's right and wrong,

If I can't believe this what can I believe?

Have you been blinding me all along...

It's getting harder to defend you,

I can't shout objections anymore,

You have insulted the judge, the jury, the defendant, the prosecution, the guards

Indirectly or directly,

If you meant it or not.

You're not guilty of not loving,

I think everyone knows that deep down,

You just can't show it in a good way,

You need help not being stuck in a prison,

A prison of your own making.

I can't be your defence anymore,

I can't stand at the bench and take the onslaught,

They say the defense never gives in but I do,

The defense rests,

You've reached your point of no return.

I think if you asked and showed signs I'd help you,

I'd reduce your sentence and get you what you need,

But I'm not so sure you will anymore.

Time is ticking,

The clocks almost done,

The gavel is about to fall.

I can't protect you for the consequences anymore...

I don't think I ever could, could I?

[justanothersillypoet]

Analysing

Analysing Scenario,

X days until the breakdown,

It's come,

It's coming,

I don't know when.

X days until it changes,

X days until it will never return,

X days until what feels like my world ending

X days

X days

Analysing scenario,

Who will make it out on my side,

Who will get lost,

Who will I end up by the side,

Can I make both sides?

Can I keep everyone in line?

Lose

Lose

Analysing Scenario,

Filling in the gaps,

I know most of the facts,

I know most of the people,

Fill in the rest

Analysing the scenario,

There's nothing I can do,

Stopping it is wrong,

Stopping it makes it worse.

Analysing the scenario,

A ticking time bomb I can,

That I'm standing to close to,

Blast range,

No hand on the trigger...

Analysing Scenario,

The outcome is almost know,

The time is a mystery,

X days,

Who knows?

[justanothersillypoet]

Mother

Hypocritical

I think I get that from you

The hating when others do it

But not being able to help when I do the same.

I get a lot from you,

The good and the bad.

It hurts hearing all the bad you've done,

Knowing I may have done the same.

The cycles never end

And I don't think I can break this one

Maybe we're both here with the same curses.

The hug was warm

But quick

A leaving message to come back soon

It was nice wasn't it

Who were you persuading with that.

It was nice.

It was short.

I both love and hate it.

Someday you'll visit maybe,

We will go out for drinks,

You'll meet the people that make me me

The same way you make me me.

Will they look at you and say that makes sense?

Will they like you the way I think they will,

Will you like them.

I am my mother's child,

For good and for bad,

And maybe someday that guilt that comes with that understanding will go away.

[justanothersillypoet]

Burdens

Before it shouldn't have felt like a burden,

But it did,

I don't think I'll ever know why.

You deserved someone who would take it,

The burden,

And make it all better.

I couldn't.

It doesn't feel like a burden this time,

Second nature almost,

I walk with you without complaint,

For what is there to complain about?

I'll subtitle 100 things,

It'll take me time,

But I'll do it for you,

It doesn't feel like a burden this time.

I hope it's clear what it is,

A lovingly perfected video just for you,

So I can share the thing I love too,

It's not a burden.

I love you I love you I love you.

In what exact way I may never be sure,

But as long as you're by my side,

I won't be burdened anymore.

[justanothersillypoet]

Any Day Now

Tw suicide, death, depression

Any day now I'm expecting that call,

How long would it take me to know,

Know for sure,

I feel like I'd feel it somehow,

The final chapter,

But when am I ever in the know?

You don't want people to worry,

But we do,

We all do,

There's no stopping that,

How one wrong move and it's gone,

It's over,

God I don't want it to be over.

I wish I could reach out to you better,

But here we are,

I hope someone else is there each time.

I wish you knew

We need you

We need you

We need you.

If you go down who will go down too?

I know you're on the edge and it's not fair but...

But I think you'd just be the first

I would hold you together if I could,

But my hands are broken and my brain is fried,

Everytime I think about this I want to cry.

Stay

Please

Just.... stay

It's not my choice to make

[justanothersillypoet]

The Watcher

Tw: death, suicidal themes, drowning, general bad mental health, funerals

I know you're drowning,

I see it in your words,

You've said as much,

I'm just a Watcher.

I see you struggle from the peer,

There's no life rings around,

But would you take it if it was thrown?

Would you hold onto it long enough?

I don't even know,

I don't think you do either,

I'm just a Watcher.

"Are you OK?"

The words ring hollow,

"What can I do to help"

Part of me knows the answer,

I'm just a Watcher.

I don't know how to reach you,

I don't think I'm the right choice,

The guilt if I fail goes in both ways

No matter the decision

I'm just a Watcher.

There's no boat I can use to reach you,

I call out in my mind,

But no words reach the murky depths

That have become your home

You are drowning,

And I'm just a Watcher.

All I have is hope,

Hope things get better,

Hope you hold on,

Hope each day isn't your last,

I know we accepted long ago that your funeral will be before most,

But please,

If a God out there exists,

Let it be the years down the line it should be.

You are drowning,

I am the Watcher,

This is a message in a bottle,

I hope it doesn't hurt,

Even if it doesn't do anything to heal,

For after all what can I do?

I'm just a Watcher after all.