justanothersillypoet

[justanothersillypoet]

Armour

You called it armour once,

And that stuck with me,

And armour of the things a like,

The people that know me.

Three bracelets,

Maybe used in turn,

Lovingly made by someone I haven't known for long,

With the help of someone who knows how much it means,

The comfort of the people,

The strength of the characters,

The joy of being known.

A ring,

Black as the night,

A reminder of the protection that label has given me,

I shouldn't need an excuse,

But it's so much easier with one,

I'm not broken,

I'm me.

Another ring,

With mixed feelings,

Knowing that it's pair will likely never be worn again,

And its other is worn by someone who soon may hate me ever more,

But it's my reminder,

My reminder of what I've lost and gained,

I won't let the dragon be brought down by those feelings.

One final bracelet,

A representation of the year,

Shared with those I share my space with,

My life for the year,

And hopefully for many more.

My armour as I leave the house,

My armour as I face the world,

The things I've learnt and love,

The things that keep me strong.

Thank you for adding to my armour today.

[justanothersillypoet]

Paused

Tw: burning, death

Stuck again,

In the void of the unknown,

Things to be done,

But each thing brings me closer to the things I'm avoiding,

But even if i pretend it isn't,

Time is still passing,

Judgement day is getting closer.

I don't know when,

My world will explode,

But I see the fires in the distance,

Or maybe they're right around me,

Flickering,

The way out for most of us,

Potentially at the cost of the one,

Who started this all

And yet part of me is terrified,

That all ill see is them burning in the flames,

That flames they started,

The flames they refused to put out.

The flames that are threatening to burn us all.

I just hope we manage to get out

[justanothersillypoet]

Wanted

To feel wanted,

Is so good,

The idea of moving to a new place,

But still being with those people around you,

The "come with me"

The "please come when you can"

The "whenever your there is helpful"

The "whenever your there is good"

The feeling of being wanted

Surrounded by those who care,

You're still a bitch,

For the sake of our friendship,

That makes me smile,

Knowing that no matter the insults,

I am wanted,

I am here,

And that's half the joy of it all.

[justanothersillypoet]

Outskirts

Its weird seeing someone put in words,

Feelings you felt for so long,

Especially when that person,

Seemed to have the connections you could only dream of.

[justanothersillypoet]

Differences and Similarities

If they cared, they'd say,

Indecisive is a decision,

Can't believe you're not dating,

The unclarity is stupid,

Toxic,

things not meant to be about me.

But they feel like it,

In a way I don't think I'll ever loose,

Why couldn't I just feel it from the start,

All the time,

Whatever is expected and needed,

Why are you like this?

Why are you broken?

That's not what they really need,

They're about wanting people in your life who want you,

And that was never in doubt,

It was just the how.

These statements work for most,

They didn't work for me,

It's not about me,

It's what others need to hear,

But my brain loves making the connections,

My favourite blessing,

And my greatest curse

[justanothersillypoet]

Friends

It feels wrong to say i missed this,

Or that i forgot how much I enjoy hanging with you,

Its like we're in different groups that colide

Limited space and broken friends

People that don't connect

But i do miss it

I love my friends

They make me feel alive again

In all there forms

I miss drinking and hanging with you all

I miss this

My first proper uni friends

Separated by time

Circumstances

Rumor

Regrets

I hope this continues

Even if sometimes I don't

I miss you all

I love you all

Life is complicated

But i feel like 90% of the time

Its better with you all in it

[justanothersillypoet]

Friends

It feels wrong to say i missed this,

Or that i forgot how much I enjoy hanging with you,

Its like we're in different groups that colide

Limited space and broken friends

People that don't connect

But i do miss it

I love my friends

They make me feel alive again

In all there forms

I miss drinking and hanging with you all

I miss this

My first proper uni friends

Separated by time

Circumstances

Rumor

Regrets

I hope this continues

Even if sometimes I don't

I miss you all

I love you all

Life is complicated

But i feel like 90% of the time

Its better with you all in it

[justanothersillypoet]

New years resolutions

It's a little early for this,

But if i had to make one,

It'll be to not loose another friend,

Cause I was too afraid,

Or just didn't know how,

To message them first.

[justanothersillypoet]

Knowing

"They haven't talked properly in months"

I remember the feeling

Out of the loop

Unobservant

Lost in the ever changing connections

Maybe thats why I like making links

Whose talking about who

Who feels one way or another

Phrases i know the meaning of

And those I don't

It feels cruel sometimes

Like I'm treating it like a game

To collect the knowledge

To hoard and collect the secrets

Secrets that effect people's very lives

I sometimes don't even know my own intentions

I like to think they're good

I wish I could stop but I can't

I always need to figure it out

Maybe someday i could just let it all go

[justanothersillypoet]

Last Christmas

Will this be the last one I get,

With them at least,

Jobs ask for longer days,

Unless I get the job I want,

I'll be stuck hours away,

Work Christmas or boxing day or new years,

Or maybe all three.

They may not allow me time off,

And I may be forced to comply,

Maybe this year will be the last Christmas,

I get to spend with you.

And that hurts,

The kid that got out in the world,

Maybe never to return at christmas,

Like my uncle and my aunt.

I don't think I'm ready for that

[justanothersillypoet]

Two people and a book

Hello,

I say to you in my mind,

The only place you consistently exist.

Hello old friend,

I hope this isn't the end,

You smile softly as we sit.

Two peas in a pod,

I created you this way,

You prefer it this way.

I thought about you being my logical extreme,

And this is where you will end up,

I'll fight for you.

I'll make him pay if it goes wrong,

You're just a character in my mind and your safe there,

Yet you mean so much to me

The beginning of the end.

I've thought of 100 ways this will end,

100 different stories,

Some win some lose some in-between,

I don't know the true plan,

I know I will play you till the end.

You smile as you leave,

The little mind place where you are safe,

Back to the library I made you,

Not whole but safe,

Not that I think you'll ever fully be whole again.

Moving on is hard,

If it comes to it,

You brother running to take your place,

Maybe moving on is the story we will learn together.

[justanothersillypoet]

I can't see anything I don't like about you

I am Riz,

I am his constant need to do,

To control to fix to save,

I want them to be ok,

I want them all to be ok,

I would risk anything for that.

In theory at least,

In the little things too,

I'd buy 100 lunchables given the means,

100 ubers if you took them.

I was told once I wasn't like him,

Maybe they saw something different than I did,

Maybe I saw what I'd become when others didn't,

Who knows.

Based on things I heard you have said,

Maybe you don't know us as well as you think anyway.

Have you eaten,

Can I take that from you,

Its ok I'll cover it,

It's my role,

And I'm not complaining,

I like being able to help.

I gave that to him,

I think sometimes of the characters i made,

So I become them or do they become me?

Would they recognise that if I saw them,

Would they recognise what we share,

Kindred spirits in things I never noticed,

Some intentional, some not,

They come from my mind,

Are they just my logical extreme?

I think of old characters i thought i left behind,

I wonder if people see it in my every move,

Am I destined to make myself like them,

Or do I like them cause they're like me.

Logic chess and mind games,

Speaking to myself like a child in my own mind,

In the voices of those I create and those I love,

Fictional and non fictional,

Close and distant.

I don't think I have a me outside of all that,

But who does really.

And maybe thats the point.

[justanothersillypoet]

Boats

We are all boats on a lake,

Some people have sailboats that flow with the wind,

Some speed board speeding from place to place,

Some sit still and let others come to them,

Other seek out the other boats.

Some boats naturally drift together,

Some cross by chance and never leave,

Some signal from across the way as they pass by.

I sit in a tiny boat,

The waves push me to and frow,

The bigger boats guide me,

I follow where they lead.

My signal is broken,

I see the boats fade,

I have very little radio.

I miss the boat that were here,

But I don't know how to reach them,

I never have know.

The radio is in my hand,

I don't know how to call,

Someday's I'm greeted and it's all I wish for.

But I hope you stay in my waters,

I hope you call out to me,

And someday maybe,

I'll be able to reach out first

[justanothersillypoet]

Worth

"What's the point then"

Said so long ago,

Not my first role,

But my first sung solo in that group,

You asked when you'd get to see it,

I said I wasn't sure,

Those words came so immediately.

I still remember the sinking feeling,

That it didn't matter cause I wasn't on a big stage,

Because it wasn't worth it,

Cause my achievement wasn't worth it.

I quit not long after,

I remember feeling sick at the thought of going back,

Cause what was the point?

You didn't mean to remind me of that either you words,

I don't think you even meant to imply a lack of worth,

But you did,

The show wasn't worth it if it wasn't in your big venue,

That the only shows I ever had big roles in were worth less.

But I won't quit this time,

I won't stop this time,

I don't think she'd want those words to cut so deep over 10 years later,

And I don't think you'd want yours to do the same.

[justanothersillypoet]

Lose Lose

I don't know why it reminds me of it but it does,

The smaller theatre, like the other place,

Small but kind,

That one had a stage and this does not,

I see that.

It reminds me of the intimacy of the space we used before,

It reminds me of pirates in so many forms,

Of laughter and of joy and of silliness,

Your reaction males me wonder if you'll hate the show we made,

The show I think fits into that small but fun space,

The show that is panto to its core but I'd feel outsized in the larger room,

Overwhelmed,

Far from thr audience,

Far from eachother.

"No ones arguing it isn't the better space",

Ha,

If only you knew I was never settling for him,

The bright red seats and the shitty back stage are something i love,

I don't care if the public come,

I don't care if its just us students in our shitty little venue,

No one cares for student theatres anyway,

It wasn't made for them,

It was made for us.

I can't say that,

But I wish I could,

Its not ideal but it's ours,

It's not the big perfect show you want it to be,

But it's ours.

That's what I always cared about anyway.

I'll shut up if I'm alone in this,

I'll let the show happen wherever it does,

I just mourn a little what I thought we represented,

What I feel is slipping away bit by bit.

I just hope if the story doesn't go your way,

You can do so too.

[justanothersillypoet]

Sleeper agent

Promises,

Promises I make myself,

Like a set of rules to follow.

I remember it so clearly,

One of these promises,

Back when we were new,

Back when so many of us were new to eachother,

But that's a different thought.

I remember hearing it through the worries,

A subtle dig not aimed at me,

Or at least I don't think it was,

Maybe it wasn't even a dig,

I wouldn't be like them.

A sleeper agent i didn't know I had.

It helped back then,

The emotions ignored,

From crying to in charge,

For I wouldn't be like them.

Now the rules are overwhelming,

I wouldn't be like them,

Or her,

Or him,

Those who came before me whole mistakes I must learn from.

Too many mistakes,

Too many things out of my control,

I'm not like them,

But I am,

So I hide it in myself,

I scream from the inside,

There's nothing I can do anyway but wait.

Deep down I know I wouldn't be a bad person,

Its a different role I play than they did,

But the urge to hide it all remains,

I can keep it and cope with it,

It just costs a little to myself,

A little sanity or a little time or a little cry or all three.

I think somewhere in the rules,

In the comparisons,

In the fears and assumptions and worries and doubts,

Somewhere in all that,

I forgot that I am a human too

[justanothersillypoet]

Like me

You're like me,

The worst of me,

But also the most hurt of me.

If you knew half of what I knew,

It would break you.

You deserve it,

You don't deserve it,

Maybe both these statements are true.

You've dug your own grave,

But in some ways some people gave you shovels,

Maybe some people still are,

But it's out of kindness.

You feel left out,

In some ways you are,

Other ways not,

You lie,

Or do you simply misunderstand,

You hurt,

Or simply fight when hurt.

It's not healthy,

For any of us,

But part of me wishes to help,

Part of me can't wait for it all to stop.

Cycles continue,

I see you in me,

I see all I fear is true about you in me.

Maybe we're not so different,

Maybe I just hide it better.

I see someone else in me to,

I think that's why I always partly understood him better than most,

And I think that if they ever saw it in me too,

All would be lost.

They say they don't hate either of you,

I believe that too,

But you annoy them,

I don't think it's fully weaponised incompetence,

Or maybe I just do that too.

I see the distorted mirrors between us,

All they say about you is what I fear they say about me too,

But I can never tell a soul,

Cause then the mirror becomes true.

Am I lying?

No

A hypocrite,

Maybe.

But at least I'm self aware,

I look away from the mirror by choice,

Cause I hate what I see in you,

In me,

In both of us....

Don't worry,

It annoys me too.