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leirsulien-archive · 2 years ago

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for my baby alexis: 6, 8, 25, 35, 38, 45, and 47

thank you <3 <3

6. how have they changed in the last year? how about the last five years?

last five years: the last 5 years have definitely been the hardest of her life. at the start of them she had been the happiest she's ever been and thought things were finally starting to look up :) she was in a very happy relationship and had actually started going to therapy (after a lot of encouragement from her fiancee) to work on her ~issues~/herself. but ofc that bliss couldn't last bc she's my poorest littlest wettest meow meow and i don't allow her to be happy for more than 5 minutes at a time <3 .....her fiancee died and completely grief striken alexis hit rock bottom with her self destructive behavior at it's peak which amplified all her previous issues. since then she has actually made a lot of progress (though someone meeting her now for the first time would probably find that hard to believe) she's still incredibly closed off and struggles on a daily basis but she is trying her hardest to continue to crawl out of the pit she had fallen into and to not fall back down again

last year (going back from start of b3): meeting unit bravo and finding out about the supernatural has also changed her quite a bit, in some parts for the better...in others very much not. on the one hand there's the murphy trauma and having her entire world turned upside down which definitely led to a whole new set of issues. but on the other hand unit bravo has her slowly opening up again + seemingly overcoming her commitment issues with nate (though not really....)

8. what songs remind you of them? if there are specific lyrics or movements, list ‘em!

self sabotage by ruelle

if it feels too good to be true / than it probably is // I built these walls so tall pretending I am strong / but really I'm just fragile / I wanna keep you close enough / but far enough away for me to handle / just when I think that the monster is tamed / I hear it whisper "you haven't changed" / at the end of the day, there is no one to blame but me // I wanna change, believe me / the deeper we go, the farther I run / don't wanna be who I've become

control by zoe wees

even when I know it's been forever I can still feel the spin / hurts when I remember and I never wanna feel it again // I don't wanna lose control / nothing I can do anymore / tryin' every day when I hold my breath / spinnin' out in space pressing on my chest // sometimes I still think it's coming but I know it's not / tryin' to breathe in and then out but the air gets caught / 'cause even though I'm older now and I know how to shake off the past

shallow by carys selvey

I walk around everyday / with my head above the darkness / the storm below / I just can't face it // you say I don't care at all / but if you only knew / at night all the sleep I lose / over what I can't change // I need to think shallow thoughts / so that I don't fall too deep / in water I can't tame / 'cos that's the only way I know / how to stay breathing / and keep myself from feeling / every single blow that comes my way

giver by k.flay

I fell in love and then fell out / and I don't know if I can take the hit / I let a stranger in my bed / I pretended you were him / 'cause I needed to feel wanted / I gotta / oh, I gotta find another way // I'm learning to live / I'm trying to be better / I'm learning to give / but I don't know if I'm a giver // every day's another shot / but all I do is fuck it up // I got so much soul in my body / but no one keeping me honest / and whole days turn into holes in my mind

25. who is their best friend?

tina! they're childhood best friends who have spend most of their lives at eachothers sides. tina is the person who knows her best and really the only one who had been there for her the entire time. she has helped her through a lot of things like what's mentioned in 6.

35. when did they feel loneliest?

right after her fiancee had died. she had actually been so desperate that she called rebecca (their relationship had already been pretty bad at that time) who didn't answer, probably bc of work :)

38. do they see themselves as an important part of their party?

not really. she's very much a lone wolf, though she actually does enjoy working in a team with unit bravo a lot, but it definitely takes some getting used to. in the past she has always tried to emotionally distance herself from the people around her as much as possible and sees herself more as a liability for the people close to her. when it comes to the professional aspects she believes she works best on her own and hence thinks that she does not really contribute a lot to the team

45. what lies do they tell themselves?

asjdjfjjf plenty, way too many to list here, the better question would be about what she's honest to herself...

the lies she most frequently tells herself lately are about how she's doing (she's doing fine), her feelings for adam (what feelings) and her relationship with rebecca (she's totally indifferent to her :))

47. what could they talk about for hours on end?

hmm I'm not sure she'd talk to anyone long enough for that lol but she could definitely complain about adam for a good amount of time

[ASK GAME]

#well this was painful :)#you really picked some of the angiest questions for her and you knew exactly what you were doing ajsjjd #pearl answers #grapecaseschoices #misc: ask game #oc: alexis kingston

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zeravmeta · 3 years ago

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god everything about cynthia and cyrus' dynamic is so hilarious across all pokemon canons. they want to fucking kill eachother. cynthia is both completely disinterested and immensely more invested in their rivalry than cyrus is. cynthia both absolutely hates him but also really cares about him and wants to save him from himself while cyrus is on 15 levels of depression and thinks he deserves to die because he didn't score well enough on being an unfeeling machine because he a brief emotion. they're both archeologists competing to see who can reach god first and cyrus only reached it first because he invented bitcoin (made a cult based around a fucking. energy company) and got everyone hooked on it to make a quick buck while cynthia chose violence. cyrus' entire motivation as a villain comes from a place of pain and when he's having a breakdown over how people can possibly torture themselves with the mortifying ordeal of being alive cynthia goes "get over it man why the fuck are you making this our problem" while they're in an alternate primordial dimension with the forgotten diety of said dimension just looking down on them. they were likely not married but they are absolutely divorced because they're so fucking invested in each other and for all that cyrus claims he hates spirit and wants to rid himself of his emotions he absolutely throws away all his pride and postulation to throw hands with her, something that cynthia is very happy to reciprocate even though he quite literally had their creator dieties on a leash. cyrus is ready to die and cynthia is going to beat that self deprication out of him even if it kills both of them. hand in unloveable hand except its them actually throwing hands at each other. these two are both exies and worsties and are ready to kill each other but even then when cyrus asks why people are ok with hurting themselves with the experience of living because you will face far more pain and suffering than happiness cynthia responds because the people around you are worth it and those small happinesses far outweigh every sad moment. cyrus wishes he was as unsalvageable and unfeeling as he claims because he just wants the pain to stop and cynthia is always there to remind him thay yeah hes just another human stop being so fucking dramatic and get therapy. i really wish we'd seen more of cynthia in usum because from the small bits we got she fucking KNEW that cyrus was part of team rainbow rocket but was just like 'yeah ill let him have a vacation with those fruity friends of his he needs to socialize and get some sun'.

#god everything about these two is so funny #feeling emo abt pokemon platinum again and all of these two

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faery-moss · 4 years ago

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Warm

Tianshan fanfiction, as requested

This is my first fanfiction, I mostly wrote it to satisfy my own desire for intimacy and closeness. Watching these two interact strangely fills a hole in my heart. I probably shouldn't depend on it too much

Anyway, ENJOY💓

BEWARE OF TYPOS

“Stay with me”

Mo guan shans' heart flutters, he feels heat rising to his cheeks and feels the warmth of he tians face in his hands, he notices how his body is shaking, shivering . As if he were to break down in any moment.

This happens from time to time. He tian being open, stepping down from his cold, condescending demeanor into a more softer one. A frail person, with deseperate needs to be met and a strong desire to be loved. Mo guanshan wants nothing more than to embrace the guy, to be the shoulder he cries on. But Guan Shan was too scared, too much of a coward. Scared of closeness, just as Much as He tian wanted it. He didn’t know what to do, they were too different of people.

And so he just waited, for the silence to be filled, for He tians moment of vulnerability to pass. He didn’t know what else to do, he was awkward, and feeling uncomfortable with He tian trusting him. He felt like there was little he can do to make him feel better.

So he settled for the bare minimum

“Alright.” he said, reluctantly

He tians eyes widened and he looked up to meet the gingers avoidant gaze. He noted the pink flush spread across Guan Shan's cheeks. The adorable way he's shifting nervously in his place.

“I'll stay, but just for a little bit okay…?” Mo's voice was small and gentle, as if he was speaking to a baby. It was soft, whispery. He tian wanted nothing but to embrace him, to place his head on Mo guan shans shoulders. He was being met half way

He tian smiled and his eyes were warm.

“Thank you.”

There was a moment of stillness, where neither was hiding anything from anyone, trusting within the presence of each other's eyes,open.

But one of them had to break the spell eventually, or esle this would turn into another therapy session.

So He tian let go of his arms and began to walk towards the living room.

“So what do you wanna do? I have uh.. Magazines?”

Mo guanshan scoffed

“What the hell? You mean you have nothing else to do in this place? Not even a tv?!”

He tian laughed sheepishly rubbing his neck

“Eh I never really found the point in buying one, I mostly just.. Read and.. Sit around.”

Guanshans face contorted into a look of confusion, he made his way over to the couch of the dramatically spacious apartment and took out his phone.

"You’re ridiculous, you don’t cook, you don’t clean, you have no hobbies. I’m beginning to believe your only hobby is to annoy me.’ he says, while typing out a message for his Ma.

He tian laughed wholeheartedly and walked over to the couch, sitting next to Mo guan shan “That’s definitely one of my hobbies” then leans into Mo guan shan and heatingly whispers into his ear “and my favorite too.”

Mo guan shan shivers and jumps up

“FUCK” he falls from the couch and He tian rolls his head back laughing. Mo stands up immediately and retreats away from the couch in caution, He tian sees this and pats the seat next to him.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding, come back.”

Mo guan shan shoots daggers at his direction

“So what? So you can be a pervert and molest me ? No thanks!” Mo creates more space between him and He tian, despite his prior moment of vulnerability he still doesnt trust him enough to relax.

“Alright, Alright” He tian begins, then softens his gaze and extends his hand out to him.

“I’ll stop teasing you okay? It’s just so entertaining, but I’ll keep my hands to myself.” He tian says

“Y-you promise? No more funny business?” Mo guan shan asks , hesitantly making his way back over to He tian

“Yeah, pinky promise” He tian raises his pinky to Guan Shan, waiting with a innocent smile on his face. Mo guan shan sighs, tired and still a bit mistrusting, he gives up and interlocks his pinky with his. He tians expression relaxes and he begins to wave their hands back and forth while fondly looking at Moguanshan. He tians gaze bored into his skin, why is he always looking at him like that? What is he thinking? What does he want?

Moguan shan doesn’t understand. He breaks his hand away and looks down, shuffling his feet.

“Why are you always looking at me like that? “ he asks with a breathy tone, timid and unsure.

“Like what?” He tian asks, perking his head to the side in confusion

“Like I dont know, like you see something or..”

He tian shifts closer to mo guan shan, but not too much to invade his boundaries

“I do see something little mo, I see a person who is very important to me.”

At that Mo guan shans eyes widen and he flinches back again, his cheeks glowing a bright red. He looks at he tian with questions in his eyes

“W-WHO? ME? THATS-” Mo guans shan stutters at his words and struggles to understand the fluttering sensation In his stomach and the feeling of warmth arising in his heart.

He tian laughs again freely

“Yes idiot, you’re precious to me.”

Mo guan shan looks confused “B-but why? What the heck have I done for you?”

He tian sits back and looks introspective, his gaze wanders far away and a soft smile perched on his features.

“You make me feel.. I don’t know. Alive. I’ve never felt this way with anyone before. You make me feel safe and happy."

He continues

“Your the type of person that has a kind heart, even if you try to hid it, it makes me feel loved. ” He tians expression then turns sad, as if he’s remember something. Mo guan shan again, did not know how to deal with this level of sincerity.

‘Me? Make him feel loved? But I just push him away. I don’t get it’

So mo guan shan sits down on the seat next to him, after a couple beats of reflective silence

“You don’t.. Feel loved?” Mo begins awkwardly, looking at everything but he tians expression.

He tian sighs and sits into the question “I don’t know. How is it supposed to feel like?”

“I dont know..” mo guan shan continued, rubbing the back off his neck

“Warm.. i guess. I feel that way with my ma, when she takes care of me. Other than that, I don’t really know.” They both sit back and watch the sky above the city from He tians pent house. The stars were gleaming in the night and the city life was loud under the darkness.

He tian sighs. “Warm. ” he breathes out, relaxing his gaze

“I guess, i’m feeling it right now then.”

He tian looks to the left and watches as Mo guan shans eyes widen again, he can never get tired of those cute, shy expressions.

Mo, to his mistake, turns to the right and catches he tians gaze on him. The same way he was looking at him before, but it was more intense this time.

His heartbeat speeds up, he feels hot from the inside, flustered, embarrassed and… he doesn't know what else, something tingling.

“I guess…” He tian continues, while looking into Mo's auburn eyes “that means I love you.”

Both their eyes widen and they lean back from eachother in shock. Confusion, fear arising. Mo guan shan for one, did not know how to feel. Disgust, confusion, judgement, all these emotions were spiraling within his body, he froze there paralyzed, unknowing of how to react or respond,

“I..” He tian started, trying to cover, to fix what he just said “I mean uhh..” After desperate attempts to reorganize his mind, he just sighed and dropped his shoulders down in defeat.

“I’m sorry” He whispers “that was probably too much, I dont even know what I’m doing.” he says exasperately, running his hands through his hair. He’s shaking. “You probably want to go home now.” He tian has made things worse, He wanted Mo guans shan to stay, but didn’t know how to calmly deal with his presence if it’s not getting overly emotional and attached all the time. He knows he has to learn to give him space, to breathe and relax, but He tian likes being around him too much. He has no self control.

“I’ll call you a cab. ” He tian begins to stand up from the couch when he feels something pull at his jacket, mo guan shans hand tugging at his sleeve. Both remain still, so much calculation, overanalyzing in the air, they dont know how to stop

Mo guan shan then retreat his hand hurriedly and coughs awakwardly,

“It’s fine.. It’s fine okay? Let’s just watch a movie.

He tians shoulders slump in relief. Thank god, he didn’t mess up his chance to be with him. Okay.. he can handle a movie. He can control himself.

“Okay,” He tian whispers and sits back on the couch, tentative seconds pass and he asks “uh.. What movie?” Mo guan shan seems flustered too, overly conscious of his presence.

“I dont know. I’m assuming you dont watch movies. let’s just scroll through netflix and see whats good.”

Netlfix and chill? He tian almost says but he stops himself, he know it’s too soon to be making jokes like that.

Guan Shan takes out his phone and begins scrolling

“Uh.. fast and the furious?” He asks. He tian shrugs “Sure.” He doesnt really care for it, but if Guan Shan wants it, he’s alright with that.

They begin to watch the movie and He tian notices something. Mo keeps casting looks at him throughout the movie. He hastedly flicks his gaze back onto the movie before he is caught, but it still evokes his curiosity

“What?” he tian laughs at his shyness

“Uh.. arent you cold? It’s like 30 degrees in here.”

He tian shrugs “Nah, I’m used to it.” he replies and he watches as Guan shans face contorts, his eyebrows strewn together

“What the fuck? You’re shaking.” He tian notices how he actually is cold, and is happy that guan shan took awareness of this

“Warm me up then, little Mo” He tian wiggles his eyebrows and to his surprise Mo guan shan, stands up and walks towards his bed.

“Where are you going”

“Shutup ” he was responded with

Moguan shan then came back with a big cover blanket and He tian insides swirl in excitement, awe and fondness.

Shan sits back on the couch, with an indignant expression in his face, cheeks flushed and to his surprise, places the blanket gently on He tians body. He tian was frozen, in shock, overwhelmed with happiness.

“What about you?” He tian asks, more like a statement than a question

“Im fine.” Shan replies still feeling really embarrassed and was about to pick up his phone to continue watching when he feels two warm hands cover him under the blanket. Mo stiffens, his shoulders tense, but then he relaxes into it, his body welcoming the warmth. It was almost, as if he was overthinking the whole thing. As if this is what he wanted all along. He feels protected almost. Safe.

Mo guan shan then feels two hands touch at his face and he looks to the left to see he tian smiling happily.

“Now we’re both warm. ”

The implication of his words sent another shiver down his spine. Did he feel warm? I guess he did, he was just too busy fighting to feel it.

“Y-yeah. I… feel warm” He tians smile.. If even possible, widened some more and insexplanably, surprisingly, tears starting welling up at the corner of his eyes until He tian began to cry. Quiet snuffles, he turned his head away slightly, snuggling deeper into the blanket, shaking. He felt loved, so so loved

“H-hey.. What- what happened? Dont cry.” Mo guan shan shifts closer to he tian and takes his wet face in his hands, he feels the tears running down his cheeks, “It’s okay” Mo whispered quietly and he tian leans into his touch, then leans into mo guan shans body and tucks his face under the crook of his neck. Mo stiffens up, feels the wetness at his skin. Without thinking, He reaches his hands up and softly strokes he tians hair.

“I’m here” he says which made he tian cry even more.

Mo guan shan wasnt sure what was going on, all he knew is that he felt a deep fondness for He tian, and he wanted to shield him from all his fears. He wanted to stay. With him.

After a few minutes, he tian calms down and guan shan feels fingers attempting to interlock with his, beneath the blanket,. Hesitant, shy, he interlocks them. It feels like home

“Stay with me, forever” he tian whispers, guttural, rough and gentle

Mo guan shan settles further into the warmth of of the blanket and rubs his thumb over He tians hand. Warm.

“Alright” he says

He feels warm

#tianshan #he tian #mo guan shan #19 days #fluffy #intimacy #boys love

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shyrose57 · 4 years ago

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2nd part.

Other: Both groups understand they have different ways of showing affection and closeness. Though Charles does hesitantly ask Jackie if Ran ever shows affection, to which Jackie answers that he does he just isn't a very physical person.

After Ran first attacks and injuries Ranbob, and once the groups get the two separate, they sit down and talk. The Gladiators go first, saying they've never seen Ran that aggressive and angry before and ask what Ranbob could've done. To which the Fishermen tell them (to an extent. Somethings they leave out as its best for Ranbob to tell them) and after sharing, ask what Ran's relationship with Ranbob was. Where Watson says Ran said before he had a brother, and they then connect the pieces. So in summary, the Gladiators know about Ranbob being controlled by Dream, what Ranbob as done, how it affected him, and what the Fishermen have done to help him out and the progress Ranbob has made. While the Fishermen know that Ran has said he had a brother (Ranbob said it too), Ran having to survive on his own for years, And Ran having nightmare's but don't know what they are about.

The Gladiators are skeptical of Ranbobs story, but after reading a bit of a dairy Ranbob recorded the experience in when able to, and both picture and multiple eye-witness accounts they eventually believe him.

He ran from the hunters for around 4 years, he also lived alone and learned to survive during his time, while being constantly on the move. Multiple times the brothers have said something concerning, either jokingly or very casually, but both ways the brothers groups have responded with utmost concern and basically interrogating them until they find out the events behind what they said. Where they then either leave it be, or there's more talking, comforting, and maybe even cuddle piles.

It happens once during the trip, when Ranbob just isnt having a good day at all, when he relapses he immediately tells the Fishermen (as he has grown to do), who then go to comfort him and do a sort of therapy. Ran immediately uses the relapse as evidence that he shouldn't be trusted and that he is still the same person he was before. While Watson, ignoring him, goes to see if he can do anything to help, while Grievous and Jackie try to lead Ran away to cause less stress for Ranbob.

It is confusing at first for them, and when their finally able to, they (both groups) ask eachother what different instincts their enderman friend has. And after exchanging it they just kinda leave it be then and accept it. Sometimes Cletus will laugh when he just randomly sees Ran carrying someone around and mocks them, but Ran tends to growl at him when he mocks the person he's carrying, so he doesn't mock em often.

He was only able to eat crackers, nuts and seeds, and dried out vegetables. So when he first goes to the Fishermen's house he's only able to keep down stuff like soup and again crackers. Though he's able to slowly work his way up to eating meat, which then he's able to keep most things down.

The gladiators are overwhelmingly happy about no longer following such a strict schedule and can spend their time doing whatever they want. The fishermen are at first a bit hesitant at adventuring, seeing as they never really adventured outside of their home to much before, but are still very excited to see new places and get new items. Cuddle piles are sometimes shared amongst the groups, but strictly when neither of the brothers are nearby, other habits like telling bed time stories and sharing supplies and food are shared amongst the groups. While a sort of therapy sessions type habit are only in the fishermen group. And making and testing weapons are only in the gladiator group. For nicknames, Ran- Tall man/Tall bastard, Jackie- Jack, Shorty(teasingly/jokingly), Watson- Dad, Grievous- Ugly, John, Gri, Ranbob- Bobby, Benjamin- Benny, Ben, Charles- (Just Charles), Cletus- Wildfire, Little shit (Isaac only calls him that, Benjamin doesn't like it though), Isaac- Saac (pronounced as Isaac without the I, or just Zack).

The fishermen live a calmer, more quite life. Where the most active they've gotten is going to Mizu and getting Ranbob and a few attempted robbing. While the gladiators live a very active and fighting filled life, with only a few breaks where they can do whatever they want too. The fishermen are more accepting of outsiders and willing to give them a chance in their group. While the gladiators, you need to prove you can earn a place and are more tight in their group (Which is partly why it means so much to Ran and shocks him when his haunting welcomes Ranbobs group into their group). The fishermen are more freewilled, not having to follow a schedule. While the gladiators do follow a schedule and typically don't get much freewill.

They originally wanted to live in Mizu. But after the discovery of the Dream Mask Benjamin stated that it was far too dangerous to stay, much less live there. So they instead just went and looted the area then left

As of now I do not plan to add anymore characters. Maybe they'll meet some while traveling but im not positive yet, if they do meet someone later on though it'll probably be either Wilburs decendent, or if I include other Tales I'll include them probably.

It is very hard to convince Ran for a good while that what happened to Ranbob was the truth, but when he does finally accept it he's horrified. He feels incredibly guilty about leaving his brother and doing nothing during this whole time other than making it harder for him to recover. And immediately does what he can to make it up and help him out. And to the relief of the others, the brothers start to grow closer again, although there's still some problems. It took multiple tales of Mizu and Dream from all around the world, some very old records about how manipulative Dream was and how it seemed he had supernatural powers, and even finding Ranbobs journal and deciding to read it for safety reasons (where its recorded Ranbobs deteriorating mental state and all of the events where Dream came in, and even Dream wrote in it sometimes, comparing it to Ranboos Memory Book.)

Personalities (More may be added later): Ran- Secretive, protective, quite, joking when gotten close too, patient, serious mostly. Watson- Kind, very approachable, the father figure, logical, has a very comforting presence. Jackie- Playful, joking, mean at times, teasing, loud, energetic. Grievous- Very kind, energetic at times, quite, prankster, hard to trust someone. Ranbob- Quite, shy, well-meaning, clumsy, hesitant in things, very eager to please someone. Benjamin- Truthworthy, comforting presence, kind, approachable. Cletus- Chaotic, mean at times, prankster, loud, confident, energetic. Isaac- Leader figure, kind, logical, playful. Charles- Quite, shy, anxious, smart, logical. And idk if you want him too but Porkius- Confident, arrogant, hard headed/stubborn, hard to talk with, but extremely willing to make changes and call off events if serious injury to anyone is threatened.

Sorry if some answers are dull, I had trouble coming up with answers and wording some of them. But as a bonus I thought of something that could happen while traveling (while they've been traveling for almost 5 months now). Maybe a thunderstorm is coming in and the group is trying to find shelter and they find it mostly in time, but the brothers start to really get into a verbal fight during the searching and so start to lag behind. And just as it starts to storm more Ran screams and yells "YOUR NOTHING MORE THAN AN MURDER! NOTHING YOU EVER DO WILL MAKE UP FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE!"(or something similar) Which just really breaks Ranbob, and the two stand across from eachother in the rain, before Ranbob chokes out a heartbroken agreement and runs off. Ran almost going to chase after him, but deciding not too, and going to meet up with the group. Also Ranbob having a nightmare about when he first saw Ran again and is terrified in the nightmare, as no one is there to actually stop Ran this time (this happens before the thunderstorm part). So he does actually begin to kill him, and during the dream he keeps seeing glimpses of he and Ran as kids, being so close and laughing and everything. Then just before he wakes up he sees a younger, tween Ran directly next to the Ran killing him, and the Vision Ran's face is frozen in a scream of terror and heartbroken look in his eyes, and his eyes are filled to the brim of tears (which is the exact moment a Ranbob controlled by Dream turns the blade on Ran suddenly). Which just completely breaks Ranbobs heart, and when he wakes up, with tears frozen on his face, he can't look at Ran for days without seeing the terrified face of his younger brother.

1: So they’re pretty chill about it. Alright.

2: Fairly skeptical, but still willing to help out, and eventually coming to agree. Interesting. Ranbob has a diary? From before? That must be quite the interesting read. How much did young Ranbob understand was going on? How did he feel about it? Just how much does his diary show of his mental decline? Does he still have it? Were the Gladiators supposed to be reading it, or is it more of a ‘I found this, let’s see what’s inside’ thing? And I know the eye-witness accounts are probably the fishermen, but what are the pictures? Of Ranbob before Dream, back in Mizu? Of Ranbob when the fishermen found him?

3: Casually drops trauma on them, huh? What kind of things have been said? How much of it do these two traumatized gremlins think is the norm? Does Ran have any particular enemies with the hunters? Was it hard for him to settle in one place again?

4: What do these relapse consist of, exactly? Ranbob becoming aggressive? Trying to run? Can’t imagine Ran’s too happy Watson ignored him about it. What was the aftermath of this event? Does Ran know what a relapse means, or does he just overhear and assume?

5: So Ran totes people around, and Cletus occasionally makes fun of them. How long before someone points out that Ranbob, as you put it, follows them around like a lost puppy, in retaliation?

6: The more I hear about Ranbob, the more I kind of want to wrap him in a warm blanket, give him cocoa, and go threaten Dream with bodily harm. That kind of food isn’t exactly great nourishment. If that’s the kind of thing he was eating, and only once every three days, I’m not shocked the Fishermen managed to force him into a room. Or that his house kept falling on him. Poor guy must be a malnourished noodle-stick. Honestly, he sounds light enough Cletus could probably carry him around. Or a breeze could. Hopefully he gets a little more weight on him, he needs it.

7: Sounds like the first few days of the trip are probably pretty chaotic, with everyone adjusting. But they sound like they’re having fun, so that’s good. What kind of things are the two brothers doing to be gone long enough for their groups to be able to cuddle pile for a bit? Gathering supplies? Do they just know, and do their own thing for a bit so their hauntings can chill together? And Bobby, huh? Sounds an awful lot like what Ran used to call Ranbob. Who exactly revived the nickname, and what was both Ranbob’s reaction to it being brought back, and Ran’s reactions to hearing it again?

8: The clash between lifestyles seems to be a pretty big one. The gladiators are a bit more willing to jump into things, and the fishermen are generally more open. Seems like they’ll contrast nicely once things settle down. So it’s kind of a big deal for the gladiators to just welcome the fishermen? You said they have to prove themselves. Do the fishermen ever end up doing something like that, or are they just an exception? Or is it that what they’ve already done proved themselves?

9: They just loot the place, huh? Do they keep what they find or sell it? What’s Ranbob’s feelings about that?

10: A Wilbur descendant? Interesting.

11: Oof. Well, at least they’re figuring it out. So there’s records about Dream and such? Do they just happen to find them, or are they led there? Who wrote those records? Does Ranbob notice when they find them, find some himself, or is that part of the trip he doesn’t know about? And Dream wrote in Ranbob’s journal too? Yikes. That must have been terrifying for Ranbob to experience. He compared it to Ranboo’s memory book, huh? Did that mean Ranbob figured out that something similar was happening to his ancestor? If so, how did he feel about it? And how does Ran feel about Dream’s part in all this? What does he do once he finally accepts it? Hug Ranbob? Apologize? Try to murder Dream?

12: Sounds like quite interesting group there. Charles and Ranbob both being shy sounds adorable honestly. Porkius sounds like he knows what he’s doing, and does it well.

13: They don’t seem particularly dull to me. But thank you for the heart-crushing scene, I’ll cherish it forever. Do the fishermen chase after Ranbob? How do the gladiators feel about that whole thing? Does Ran feel a bit guilty about it?

#Brothers AU #dream smp #dream smp au #ranbob #ran #jackie #watson #grievous #isaac #benjamin #cletus #ranboo #charles #tales from the smp

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justpeachythoughts0916 · 4 years ago

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Grieving & My Grieving Journey...So Far...

February 2nd, 2021: When I was growing up the only grief I truly felt was the loss of grandparents and pets. The only grief I experienced firsthand all made sense to me, people who followed the order of life you get older, you get sicker, and then die. At that point and in those instances it wasn't hard for me to utilize logic and reason to understand their lives were lived and their time here had expired.

In high school I witnessed the school, my friends, and my classmates just in shambles after two boys died in two separate car accidents. These deaths caused me to feel an overwhelming amount of empathy and sympathy for my sad friends, but I wasn't close enough to these two to grieve really. I felt bad for everyone feeling so bad and knew a generic "I'm sorry" simply would not suffice. I still knew there was nothing on this planet that I could say or do to heal that wound. I knew there was no making sense of these tragic deaths. Two happy, smiling, kind, young souls were gone. There is no making that okay.

Since high school this area is cursed with so many young deaths. We've lost people to suicides, accidents, overdoses, the list goes on. Still, I remained in the helpful, supportive friend role. I was not the one with my world upside down, and truthfully at the time I was grateful. Watching people so sad from grieving was heart breaking enough.

When I was 20 and pregnant with my first son we had a gender reveal party, we were ecstatic, my family never had boys. We had people stay the night in a tent in my mom's backyard because we in no way wanted anyone to drive home drunk. My friends at the time partied until morning, then all four went to sleep in a little four person tent.

I woke up at tenish, my mom made French toast for breakfast for everyone, then left for a matinee with her friend. One by one my hungover friends started coming in for breakfast. My son's soon to be God Father came in and said "Nate snored so loud, he shook my pillow" I replied, "He was cocked, and passed out" and giggled at the thought of their shenanigans. My step-dad and sister and his best friend were just watching the Sunday Giants game, casually cracking their first beer around noon.

My friends were about ready to go, trying to figure out how to make the six people fit in a five person car. Nate wasn't up yet, not shocked, it was only 1:00 pm. He was sleeping on his tummy, using his arm as a pillow. I started to wake him up saying "Nate...Nate...Nate..." giggly and patient. I tickled his feet and he didn't move, he was just sleeping heavy. "Nate...Nate...Nate..." I pushed my fingertips into the soles of his feet and they stayed. I instantly said "He's dehydrated, and retaining fluid, get him water." Still not panicking...I stared at his back looking for breath movement before I thought "I'll just yank him by the ankles, that'd wake anyone up." So, I did just that...nothing. I went to look at him and saw purple skin through his red hairline and ran to get an adultier adult, my step-dad.

I ran into the house, where they were all watching a seemingly compelling play during the game, bursted in and yelled "Nate's blue, he won't wake up, I don't think he's breathing!" I've never seen my 6' 8" step-dad move so fast. He ran outside, ducked in and looked in the tent for about .1 seconds before he said "Steph, you need to call 911 now!" at 1:06 pm I picked up Nate's phone (it was the closest in reach) and tried to give a bunch of information to a dispatcher. I made little to no sense, because my step-dad didn't tell me why I was calling 911, combined with anxiety, I wasn't able to give them my mom's address. My younger sister tried to take the phone from me but the dispatcher asked "Can anyone there do CPR?" We all could, why didn't I think of that? I handed the phone off to my sister, and ran back to my step-dad and all my friends just shaking their heads and said "WE CAN DO CPR!" My step-dad as calmly and level as he could said "We can't save him, Steph, he's gone."

My. Soul. Left. My. Body.

My legs just stopped working.

Draped in my step-dads arms.

He's 6' 8" standing next to him I'm chest height.

I was down to his stomach.

Sobbing.

Drooling.

Quickly I ran away from his embrace screaming "NO. NO. NO. NO", into the road screaming up it "WHATS TAKING THEM SO LONG?!"

In that instant for the first time, it was me. I was the one with the dead best friend. Begging cops "Let me go with you to his Mom, her whole world is upside down here, and you're gonna tell her that with a straight face, just take me to tell her." Of course, I was informed protocol exists, and that couldn't happen. The second Nate's death hit social media I was the one flooded with "Oh my god, what happened?" "I'm so sorry" "My condolences" blah blah fucking blah.

My best friend's heart stopped to due to a lethal combination of Xanax and alcohol. Nothing about life or death made sense anymore. My best friend died from partying too hard? How do you make sense of that? When we all went to his services we stood in a circle together. Everyone stared, everyone, we were the last ones with him. We were trying to process what was about to happen at the viewing and we heard "That's them." The services were a nightmare. My friend Bryan and I were first to walk in, and the second we saw his bright red hair in that white casket we both couldn't stand. We stopped the line, and I sobbed and said "We can't do this." We went in the room with his twin sister and mom, we offered his sister his aviator sunglasses that were left in the tent, and we offered his mom to go to her favorite local ice cream parlor on Mothers Day every year, a tradition Nate followed with her. I asked Nate's mom permission to name my son Nathan when we went to see her the day after he died, so I tucked an ultrasound of his namesake in his pocket, and a pack of cigarettes with his lucky flipped. We stayed through the whole viewing, saw all those sad broken faces, got all the sad and sorry hugs, at the end we all walked up together I kissed his forehead, and we left.

I spent the first threeish years of my new life without Nate crying occasionally or at appropriate times, like when I gave birth to my Nathan. The rest of the time I kinda carried on like mentally him and I were taking a break from eachother, like I myself was choosing not to message or call. I got into therapy after hearing countless "You need helps" from family and friends. In therapy, I was cautioned that this event gave me Complex PTSD and Complex Grieving. Still, I just kept going with the flashbacks, nightmares, and the stages of grief over and over. Three years in, I had a startling realization using a butt fuck of psychedelics of "Oh my God, my person is gone, I can't get him back, we can't talk, and that really happened." Instantly, I was grieving his death like new again. Oh no. I had less than understanding from most people. Most people honestly seemed perplexed how it could feel so fresh after "so many years" *eyeroll to my spine*. Solely because me being pained and honest with it is/was uncomfortable. OOOF.

I knew Nate taught me so much in his life and in his death. He also was the first to teach me how to help people in early grief, because of how many conversations I had that were text book This Is Not What You Say To Someone Grieving. Then again, we're all different.

Just before the 4 year mark with Nate's death, death found me again and again, it followed the people I loved. My honest theory is I saw death up close and personal, I know what that type of empty feels like, I was the one sobbing pounding the ground, mad at the world, so I noticed the devastation easier. I became the support system for my grieving friends, all by just being honest from the get, "Welcome to the club you don't want to be in, you still have to try to eat, you're never gonna be the same and there is nothing you can say to me that sounds crazy coming from the girl who has screamed in the cemetery at 2:00 AM "OVER A FUCKING XANAX?!" and unfortunately this club doesn't come with t-shirts it comes with trauma." It's simple to me, really. Act like they have a cancer on their brain with out being so in-your-face-it-feels-fake. Easy. I've helped countless freshly grieving people in the years after Nate's death.

In October of 2020 I was talking to Zack, my middle school best friend on the phone, I needed help. He couldn't help me, as he was in legal trouble and needed to lay low. We caught up for a while, aside from what I needed help with. At one point he said "I wish Squid was here, he would've been down in a heartbeat." Squid passed in February of 2020. We talked at length about being more careful with ourselves, the worries we had about our other friends, and what grieving is like. Then he said, "I don't know how much closer death can get to me than Squid, he was my boy, it broke me." I just said "I miss that boy so much, he was so warm." Zack went on to say "I don't wanna know which one of us is gonna go first, I don't wanna be the one left." We gave eachother all of our love, and hung up.

On November 19th, 2020 Zack and another friend of ours from middle school, Alex, were headed home from Alex's band practice late at night. Alex was driving when he lost control of the vehicle. They both died on impact, together. It killed me. They died just riding home? The messages flooded in again. "I'm so sorry" "If you need anything, I'm here" as disingenuous as you could be really be. Again, I'm the one with the dead friends. Feeling emptiness in my finger tips. I hated everything, again.

"If everything happens for a reason, than what the fuck?"

"Why them? Why me?"

Despair

When I laid in my boyfriend's bed staring at where the white ceiling met the lavender walls with silent tears streaming down my face I felt empty in my bones. I went outside, lit a cigarette, and called my soul brother, Alec. Al is traditionally a goof ball, but in sad times he has a way with comforting people. He's an absolute doll. I knew I needed to hear his voice and his words. When we spoke I cried and said all the awful initial thoughts, "How am I the one left? I didn't wanna do that. What do I do?" After I got those thoughts out we had a talk that would forever change my views on loss and grief. He said "All of these losses teach us something. Losing Squid taught me that I needed, wanted, and could have a healthy supportive friendship with Alison (his ex-wife, my best friend)." Alison drove up from Georgia to support me, Alec, all of our people, and grieve herself with her people. The hug they shared outside of the funeral home looked cathartic on a soulful level to me. They were who eachother needed to have in that sad and vulnerable time, even after their separation. To that I said, "I still don't get the fucking point."

That's when Alec said something I'll never forget. First, he quoted Carl Sagan in Cosmos, "We're all just a blue dot." Made zero sense, as I had yet to read all of Cosmos, and Alec already had (more than once). He then said, "People's love for you is eternal, regardless of when their physical being dies. Every lesson they taught someone will permanently imprint them, transferring person to person, generation to generation. Zack's love, Squid's Love, Alex's love, Nate's love, everyone's love is eternal as long as your soul learned things from them." I started crying hard. We gradually caught up and got ready to hang up and he said "Stephanie, you will have my love eternally, in this life and in the next, even if my physical being dies you will always have love from an Al"

I had to process those words for weeks, thinking of every act of love, every admirable thing, every moment I witnessed that all my seemingly lost humans gave me, and what changed in me because of those moments. All of these souls filled up books in my mind, heart, and soul. They taught me how to be a happier better me, and they all loved me so much. These acts of love transferred onto my family, my friends, my kids, my relationship, hell, even strangers. Alec was right, my humans didn't die at all, and the more I looked the more I found glimpses of their love here, with me, no matter where they are. They literally cannot die, and there's no choice in the matter, it just happens.

I still have sad days and moments, but I know the saddest moments for me are also the most loving acts they gave me coming to surface...They are still with me to make those moments possible. You cannot change grief. It is a wild bull you just got onto, and you have to hold on tight and dig your spurs in for the rest of your life. The only thing that has calmed the immense pain I've felt was allowing these amazing humans to permanently imprint their best moments onto me. I'm forever grateful I had the privilege to be imprinted by so many angelic souls. All these seemingly small, miniscule moments created the most love in my soul. I'm here to learn, and I've been taught by the best of the best. Their deaths were not in vein, their deaths have all changed me. I sincerely hope this makes you consider how many souls have imprinted on you in life and in death, allowing seemingly impossible eternal love into your heart and soul.

XOXO

"I'm sure there ain't a Heaven, but that don't mean I don't like to picture you there. I bet you're bumming cigarettes off saints, and I'm sure you're still singing, but I'll bet that you're still just a bit out of key." Cigarettes and Saints by The Wonder Years

Dedicated to:

Nathan E. Osgood Sami Jo Colson Zaccaria "Squid" Crankshaw Ally LaMont Ryan Burton Zack Luck & Alexander Simon

I'll miss you everyday for the rest of my life, and will carry your eternal love wherever I may go.

Finally, thank you, to the first responders of Mayfield, NY that were first on scene when Nate passed away on September 20th, 2015

#grieving #copingwithtrauma #copingwithloss #coping with grief #ptsd #complex ptsd #recoveringfromtrauma #mental health #first post #mywriting #writers on tumblr #firstsharedpiece

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movedthechangingman · 5 years ago

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everyone knows how i Feel about johnzee but i do think their relationship/break up is essential for their current n52/rebirth characterizations. this is all my opinion and you dont have to agree w me so dont jump up my ass but wow these two are so fucked up

... like im fascinated by how terrible things became and a lot of my unfinished writing is abt the Complicated emotions n all and i do have a playlist about why and how they need to be in therapy and far away from eachother until they can work their shit out

i make jokes about how they would have become the alpha couple if they stayed together/got married but lmao its not totally untrue... i listen to anything from tallahassee or the previous alpha couple songs and its. Oh Huh. i never have and never will doubt that john and zee love/loved eachother but it did canonically turn rotten and i dont think its just because of her dads death its just...

zee is not a good person neither is john and i 100% believe they bring out the worst in eachother, i know JLD52 is very questionable for characterization but the absolute nightmare of codependent love/hate they have for eachother. john states flat out that hes cruel to her on purpose so he doesnt have to admit that he cant get over her... we know as of jld18 that zatanna mindwiping other people is still canon and its a trick she pulls on john in his first new 52 solo. she uses her power to warp his moral compass (and it was confusing for me? but seemingly she made him forget she did it in the first place). she mentions again in JLD that she intends to wipe his knowledge of backwards magic.

zatanna is just.. naive when it comes to john. she gives him endless chances to do better by her and their allies. and he fails her... again and again and again. she says she’ll never trust him again... and immediately does. that weird alternate wish fulfillment reality where she grows old with him and then goes apeshit because “she cant live without him” while also knowing its never going to be the real john. she wants a love from him he can never give her. john cant be happy

and now in rebirth.. god to know hes (unwillingly) been manipulating her the whole time... and like. since we havent gotten a follow up zatanna is just left with questions. did zatara force him to seduce her? how much of their relationship was a lie? her dad who was everything to her but controlled every aspect of her life without her knowing it. not necessarily on topic but zatara sucks so much but also i think its worth noting circe + zataras team up as two like master manipulators in rebirth (circe w diana and zatara w john/zee)... hoping that gets some follow up eventually. zees crying of “tell me you planned it. tell me you and my dad had a trick up your sleeve” kiiiiiilled me. she cant trust anyone at this point. however also fucked up but zatara using magic to make sure john cant speak about/tell zatanna what he made him do is so fucked up also

anyway this is probably illegible but wow you two are so fucked up! go to therapy! also worth nothing john and zee are two my favourite characters of all time but wow they really do make eachother worse anytime romantic shit gets brought up and i think tynions general writing style of making everyone clinically depressed makes sense for them considering the entire thing

#justixw league comix #johnzee hate blog #i listened to the acoustic version of tiger teeth again and i was like Ah! the disaster

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goldenrathians · 6 years ago

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So, I would like to take some time to elaborate on who exactly has been cyberstalking me for the last 10 months and the context for nearly every personal post i make. I’m doing this because I haven’t ever really directly stated what happened to me beyond “my last relationship was abusive and my ex is not finished with me” and because i know she reads my blog constantly, i figure it can’t hurt to list some of her actions.

this year, i’ve done a lot of healing, gone to a lot of therapy. ive been able to distance myself enough from my ex to realize that not only was her behavior towards me during our relationship emotionally abusive, manipulative, and unfair, but that her behavior since leaving me has been even worse (harrassment, smear campaigns, lying, stalking). it took about 5 months to really even be able to acknowledge that it was abuse while we were together and that the amount of self blame i had been harboring was something she’d purposefully instilled in me. the unhealthy behaviors i’d been expressing while with her (mood swings, outbursts of anger, confusion, difficulty with overattachment) are literally symptoms of a trauma bond and began to go away almost immediately after implementing no contact. i also currently have doubts about the validity of any of her statements concerning her other exes and current partner because i know she enjoys lying and uses it as a tool to turn people against her victims. i also experienced symptoms of ptsd following the breakup that worsened when i began to fully admit to myself the extent of the emotional trauma i’d gone through (for context, i went from an unhealthy relationship with someone far older than me directly into my last one, so it was about 3 years worth of baggage).

i am capable of recognizing that not only was it good for me to be discarded by my abuser but that she only did so because i had become too vocal about my unhappiness with the way she was treating me. we fought pretty much every week because she continually neglected my needs while i tried to cater to hers and whenever i would bring it up she would accuse me of being controlling, violent, or otherwise unhealthy. she has gaslit me before (and oddly enough accused me of doing the same to her to a friend, despite me never having done such a thing) and convinced me briefly that i had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and that THAT was why i was always so unhappy with our relationship. she likes people who make her feel good about herself, and because i was no longer able to do that at a rate which outweighed my criticism of her behavior, she decided to fabricate an excuse to leave me and did so through text and would not allow me to speak about it to her for the next month. she also tried to get me to stay friends even though i had explicitly told her i did not want to do that, and when i told her i would on the condition that i be allowed to ask about the breakup or take time to express grief, she told me that she was “not my therapist” and that i was being unfair. i then cut contact with her, which began the now 10 months long (and most likely will be years long) period of harrassment and stalking.

i have dozens of screenshots saved of our discussions on discord, as well as detailed records of her activity since we broke up (all the times she harrassed me). i have evidence of her talking about me to her friends at the time of us dating in a way that paints me in a very poor light. i have screenshots of a conversation where she forced me to publicly apologize to her friend group after claiming that i was an embarrassment, which was prefaced by the phrase “i love you, so i cut you a lot of slack.”

she used my physical attraction to her as a tool on numerous occasions. first of all, she literally lured me into the relationship with it, as the one i’d had before had left me feeling disgusting and unwanted because of a transphobic partner. she learned how to make me feel whole and then used that to her advantage, because it was instrumental in getting me to stay (i believed no one else would treat me like a person in bed). sex became a bargaining chip and on more than one occasion i was told i was unnattractive or undesirable because of something i’d done, such as expressing the urge to be more submissive in bed. i was also encouraged to force myself on her sexually during a fight (something i am not and was not comfortable doing in reality), which i now realize was her way of using sex to keep me from staying mad at her long enough to raise a complaint about her treatment of me. as a result, i’ve had extreme difficulty with touch and sexual contact over the last ten months because in my head no matter who i sleep with the last person who touched me is her and i can’t escape that.

i constantly felt trapped, because i was aware on some level that people do not treat someone they love in this way, and yet any time i tried to leave she would act like she could change and treat me right. i kept staying around against my better judgement because i thought she would stop lying to me. i felt i owed it to her because she said so many people in the past gave up on her or got mad at her for being depressed. i truly thought she was a good person and that a good person would be capable of reasoning with me and we could both be happy.

she also maintained contact with the person she’d been dating before she met me, which was unquestionably cruel towards said individual. She would say hateful things about this person, yet never give them a chance to truly grow on their own and encouraged them to stay in love with her (i suspect they had a similar attachment to her). After dumping me she returned to this person only to abandon them again three months later to get engaged to someone she may have been cheating on them with.

i have proof of her lying about committments we’d made to eachother as a way to get out of spending time with me, and when confronted with evidence of said lies by people who’d witnessed her make the promise and fail to keep it, she would respond negatively and blame me, telling me i was a controlling person and then giving me the silent treatment. she constantly accused me of using our relationship as a threat in arguments, yet i never once said “if you don’t do __ i will break up with you,” only confessed that it felt like she did not want to be with me because of the lying and the refusal to spend time with me. she expressed desire to physically assault me once while angry, and made repeated comparisons between me and her abusive father, despite my voiced discomfort with being compared to men. when i once said (and immediately regretted) that sometimes i wished i could “shut her up forever” during a fight, she then began to claim that i harbored desire to physically abuse her...despite her having expressed violent desires towards me months earlier. anything i had ever said or done became fair game in an argument if i tried to voice my discomfort in the relationship.

she often compared me to her exes or to her friends as a way to make me feel inadequate or unenjoyable to be around. she would then private message me to start fights while around these friends, then accuse me of starting fights and preventing any further private communication. if i showed signs of distress publicly, i would then be “humiliating” her and she would tell her friends that i was overemotional.

She told me reasonably early on in the relationship (first six months) that she wanted to marry me. She said that since she was going to be in the military, we should marry soon so that we could live together. I was hesitant at first because it seemed strange to marry at 20 or 21. She would continue to bring it up until I said I was okay to do so. She told me in december that she wanted me to buy her a $400 bear and propose to her with it. Every month I was met with the same message of “I want to marry you.” In may, I mentioned that i might propose when she visited in july, since she had said to propose before she enlisted. She told me it was too soon and that she no longer wanted to be engaged to me. I was hurt and responded poorly, and accused her of having once again made a promise to me she had no intention of keeping. I recognize now that as an isolated incident, this was a total, blatant overreaction, but at the time i was feeling a lot of stress due to her racking up nearly $500 on my debit card and her repeatedly agreeing to date nights and cancelling last second while arguing with me if i was unhappy. She then used the military as an excuse to dump me in early june, which i now suspect was a total lie because i know for a fact she has not gone to basic yet and has been theoretically scheduled to for nearly a year. She accused me of being immature and pathetic, and told me that her life was much better without me in it. I asked her if there was someone else, which she denied, but i knew better. I had been suspecting it for a while.

since i told her to never contact me again over the summer she has:

in july, she began dating her ex girlfriend again, and told a mutual friend she had never loved me to begin with. Keep in mind that this ex was the one she’d left to date me, and that I never once pressured her to be with me. I don’t doubt that she never loved me, but not through my own personal failings. Rather, i don’t think she is capable of healthy love. She would repeatedly bring up that she did not ever love me and that I was stupid for believing her when she’d told me she wanted to be with me.

In august, i was still suffering the effects of the trauma bond and was still in love with her despite knowing she was being unnecessarily cruel to me. i couldn’t believe the person i’d loved with my whole being was the same person who was openly insulting me. I tried to ask a friend how she was doing in late july. He told me she was happy with her then partner and showed me screencaps of her doting on said partner with the same “we should be together forever” crap she fed me. I was later made aware that he would mock me behind my back with her. At the time i had her blocked on most social media platforms, but she reached out on a tumblr sideblog to tell me i was an idiot and that i should have known she never loved me and that her then-girlfriend loved her better than i could and that she had always been in love with her.

in october/early november, she dumped that person. she then began dating someone who i know has a history of low self esteem (she picks her targets like that) and purposefully liked a personal post on my blog (knowing that i would take the bait and try to directly engage her). I did. And she told me in the most condescending way possible that again, i didn’t know anything about her and that she was happy with this new person, who was everything i was not, and that i was the person who needed to grow and let go of bitterness. Please note that i had only asked why she was liking things on my blog. I told her i didn’t want to hear from her anymore and blocked her again on discord. She then reached out to me on tumblr (before i could block her there) to say “I can unblock you on my main account if you want to talk.” as though it were some kind of favor to do that to me. as though i had done literally anything besides say “i’m blocking you, don’t contact me.”

Also in november she had her new girlfriend send me messages telling me to stop stalking her, which is ridiculous because i made a rule to myself to not look at her social media back in august and had been reading about what to do with narcissists (no contact rule). The new girlfriend told me I deserved what had happened to me. I attempted to warn the new girlfriend that it was all lies, but then realized it wouldn’t do any good, so i blocked the both of them.

On january 1st, i recieved a discord call from a dormant group chat (unused for nearly a year). It was from the new girlfriend. She hung up and then posted screenshots of her and my ex together, along with a message @ing me saying that they were now living together (from long distance to cohabiting in my ex’s parents’ house) and that my ex had proposed to her. Multiple people witnessed this. It was entirely unprovoked on my part as i had not attempted to contact either of them since november. This was a post designed to demoralize me or upset me, which it failed to do because by december i was out of love and in full recovery. i had acknowledged that my ex was not the person i had romanticized so heavily in my head.

Late january, my ex posed as her fiancee on discord to message someone who was once a mutual friend but who is now only my friend. After he told her he wasn’t interested in talking, she revealed it was her and not her fiancee, made a very pitiful attempt to insult him, and then blocked him.

Early february, she contacted a friend of mine whom she had met twice in real life december 2017. she still had his phone number and snapchat, and reportedly sent him an image of a paypal receipt, which i suspect had something to do with the (expensive) items i’d requested she return to me when we broke up. This could have been innocent, but given her other patterns, i highly doubt that it was anything short of intentional because she knew he would ask me about it. I told him to block her just in case.

Following that, in early march, I recieved anonymous questions on tumblr about my relationship status. I have a brain and am able to easily spot her text speech patterns. I then installed a tracker on my blog to register page hits and responded to the ask, knowing she was bound to check for responses.

Around that time, i was made aware by a friend that someone i used to talk to no longer talked to me because of how i and my ex had treated them. i reached out because i felt like even if it was way too late at least maybe they could know i was aware i’d been shitty to them. we talked and i was told that my ex had pretty much lied constantly about my actions and that this person didn’t like me because they were under the impression that i was the abuser in the relationship. This is not the only time someone has come forth to tell me that my ex used to talk about me behind my back. I have had other friends and acquaintances mention it to me over the past year.

Since then, she has visited my page and looked through my personal tag numerous times a week, ranging from once a day to up to 6 times or more. I have evidence of her every move ever since she decided to start harrassing me back in July. I know she is likely reading this exact post. I also know she isn’t very smart, because a smart person would have stopped trying the first time they were blocked. I know that she secretly hates herself and that she represses the anger she feels because she likes to make people think she’s afraid to hurt them, but she enjoys starting drama and spreading rumors wherever she goes. I know that she probably had some sort of traumatic events in her early teens that caused her to begin serially dating/abusing people, but I also don’t really care at this point. I did a lot of emotional labor trying to humanize her up until I realized I didn’t owe her that anymore. It’s somewhat refreshing knowing that I’m allowed to speak now and that there will be no consequences. There is no relationship to lose. Anyone who wishes to challenge me is totally welcome to do so, because I have a shit ton of proof that supports my side of this story.

#ender.txt #long post

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iliketowrite1996 · 6 years ago

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Only you part 4

this was difficult for me to write because I wanted to make it as realistic as possible but stay true tot he vision that I had. so without further ado- the final chapter to only you

WARNINGS- Mentions of Unplanned pregnancies, divorce, post-divorce bullying, self-sabotage and relationship troubles

To say that finding out you are pregnant again shocked you would be a massive understatement. It threw you for a loop, knocked the wind out of you all at the same time.

You initially refused to believe it, There’s no way that you’re pregnant. It couldn't ne. You and T'Challa had only slept together once since the divorce, and it was within the same week.

Your missed period could be for any number of reasons, right? You’ve been stressed out lately. It’s not weird for you to miss a period every so often. So you made a doctor’s appointment for earlier today, just to confirm that you are in fact not pregnant, because that’s only going to add to the chaos that is your life with T’Challa.

Of course she delivers those three words to you: You are pregnant.

Which is how you find yourself sitting at kitchen table with T’Challa, Ado and Adanya tucked away in their beds as you and their dad discuss life-changing topics.

It’s funny how you were discussing getting back together five days ago,

Now, because of a few stolen kisses, the heat of the moment and an empty apartment, you’ve got other things on your mind.

‘’How far along are you,’’ he questions, looking at the pregnancy test.

‘’Two months,’’ you clear your throat, ‘’Give or take a few days.’’

He leans back in his chair then, rubs a hand down his face and pinches the bridge of his nose.

He is frustrated.

You know him so well.

‘’We’re going to have another baby,’’ he says, more to himself than to you. It is like he is trying to make sense of what is happening around him, like his world has begun spinning too fast again when it was just starting to slow down.

‘’We are,’’ you swallow thickly, but it feels like there is a lump of sawdust in your throat, ‘’So what are we going to do about it?’’

He stares at you then, brown eyes shining with uncertainty. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and you do as well.

‘’We have to consider everything here. Of course I will support you and the baby. You do not need to worry about that.’’

‘’I do not,’’ you reassure him, because that’s the one thing that you know about him- T’Challa is dedicated to his children and to Wakanda. Your place with him may still be up in the air, but his homeland and his children will forever have his heart;

‘’I assume you are worried about the responses from people?’’

‘’That is it.’’

This is a goldmine for the paparazzi- the king of Wakanda,one of the wealthiest and most technologically advanced countries in the world, gets his ex-wife pregnant? You cant see the headlines now.

‘’T’Challa and Ex back together?’’

‘’What will the Elders think about this?’’

‘’Was the divorce all for show?’’

As if you and T’Challa would have purposely destroyed all that you had for a few moments in the spotlight that you always tried to avoid on ny occasion.

T’Challa stares at your stomach then, the same way he had when you announce your pregnancy with Ado and Adanya.

‘’I’m worried about what Ramonda will say as well,’’ you admit, because it needs to be addressed.

‘’My mother? Why?’’

‘’She is very traditional, T’Challa. As are most of the elders. This is very scandalous in the eyes of many. Shoot, when I tell Deena, she’ll probably fly here just to see what is going on,’’ you lay your head on the table, ‘’I’m pregnant.’’

By your ex-husband, the king of Wakanda.

You have to keep reminding yourself of that just so you can feel the full gravity of the situation at hand.

‘’We’re going to have to tell people,’’ he reminds you, lifting your head so that you are looking at him, ‘’And we are going to have to have some conversations.’’

‘’About the baby?’’

‘’And about us. It is a given that you and I will both take care of this baby, But what about us?’’

You stare at him then, blinking once, twice, a third time.

‘’How did we get back to a relationship between uys?’’

‘’Everything comes back to you. We can still be together, my love. I know that that night meant something to you, as it did to me,’’ he references to the night a few months ago when all of this happened-when rules were broken and kisses where presse to overheated skin and ‘’I love you’’ ‘s where whispered behind closed doors.

‘’It’s not the tight time, is it?’’

‘’Is it ever? Baby, this was going to happen one way or another. You care about me, and I care about you. We were talking about this before you even became pregnant. So, all I am asking is this: do you really want to give us another try?’’

Your head is spinning with thoughts that are going a million miles an hour.

He wants you, and you want him. Neither of you have been trying to hide that lately, except for from the kids.

SP you tell the childen that mommy and daddy are expecting a baby- first thing's first, one moment and conversation at a time.

A few weeks later, you tell them that mom and dad are dating again but it does not mean that you'll be getting married anytime soon.

The elders are shocked and many people of Wakanda are as well. The comments and opinions are mixed- you hear vicious whispers about this baby, about the status of your relationship, about everything that goes on with you and T’Challa.

And because your relationship is so publicized, you deal with it in private.

You continue counseling.

You talk to the children about the changes, about how to ignore what people will say.

You choose him.

He chooses you.

You continue with your life, well aware that you may both be getting yourself into something that no one else agrees with.

Ramonda comes around, and you're not sure why, but you’re grateful for her support.

Deena, M’Baku and Shuri offer advice, help out where they can, support and listen to your pros and cons when necessary.

You continue to choose T’Challa.

T'Challa continues to choose you.

You announce the pregnancy to the world a few days later. You are greeted with remarks, some hateful and nasty and spewed out like vomit over your relationship. Others are flowy and pretty, but you take no heed to any of them.

The dirty and rude and mean comments act like fertilizer- they make your relationship stronger and grow vetter, the way that fertilizer does for flowers. The nice messages are just that nice. But they are all inconsequential. You know what you've and you know what T’Challa has/

And that is the love that you have for eachother.

It takes months of trust to hold back what you had. It takes hours of therapy, and a lot of hard work. Between shigiting you back into your repsonsibilities, patching up Ramona's issues with you, welcoming your newborn child, and adjusting your children to this new life, it takes two years.

Two years before T’Challa is down on one knee, proposing to you.

It is nothing fancy- you’d taken the children of the beach again. Adanya standing there with her hands over her mouth, happy tears streaming down her face. Ado is beaming from ear to ear, chanting ‘’say yes, say yes, say yes!’’ Your youngest child, Abioye, is staring at his dad with wide eyes, unsure as to what is happening.

All of these moments serve as laying the foundation and beginning to build a new life together. It's not east or seemless- it's hard and it took months of dedication to get here, and T’Challa has been by your side every step of the way.

So it is without hesitation that you say ‘’Yes’’ a second time.

Yes to a new marriage.

To starting over.

To a new start.

Later that night, you decide to celebrate by staying in with the children.

You’re children are in yours and T’Challa’s bed as you play a board game with them. It’s Udaku family game night.

The days like this are the days that you adore- when you see how, even though things happened slowly, it was for the best. What was torn apart by you and T’Challa couldn’t be fixed with tape or glue or even stitches- it had to be molded an melted together.

That must be why what you have now is so good- you can see where it was melted together. You can see the weaknesses.

What you can’t see is how anyone could break it ever again.

‘’You look radiant in this light, my love,’’ he tells you, pressing a kiss to your hand.

‘’Ewww,’’ Abioye giggles and squeals.

‘’Get used to it. They are always like this,’’ Adanya nose scrunches up in distaste, ‘’Auntie Shuri says that they are extra.’’

‘’You need to stop spending so much time with Auntie Shuri.’’

‘’Baba, Abioye is cheating.’’

‘’He doesn’t even know this game,’’ you laugh, ‘’He is not even playing! He is staring at the board, Ado. How could he be cheating?’’

‘’He is winning,’’ Ado frowns. ‘’Yet he doesn't know how to play.’’

‘’Win?!,’’ Abioye asks, only catching his name and the word ‘’winning’’

‘’No, Abioye. Ado shush, you need to let it go.’’

‘’Adanya is cheating, too.’’

‘’Ado, how am I cheating?!’’

‘’Booo!’’

‘’Well said, Abioye,’’ Ado rubs his brothers back.

T’Challa turns to you with an amused look, his eyes sleepy but his heart full.

This is it- it's another one of those moments in the story of you two that doesn't make sense, out that he would not rewrite. It’s one of those moments that makes sense to only the author, but is forever photographed in his memory.

And the same is said for you- every moment leads back to him. The good and the bad. He is not perfect, neither is your story or your life. As long as it leads you back to where you are meant to be, you don’t mind a few hiccups and confusions.

You turn to your husband as he gently says your name,one hand on your ever-growing stomach.

‘’I love you,’’ he says.

‘’I love you, too, T’Challa.’’

‘’Only me?’’

‘’Only you.’’

As long as you both shall live.

EXCERPT TO A SEQUAL I MAY WRITE-

T’Challa Udaku is a good man, He has a good heart. He wants to see the best in others and in situations, and he usually succeeds at that.

However, he Is a stubborn man. T’Challa does not like to admit that he makes mistakes a lot of the time. but he will when he sees no other options. He’s working on that with you in counseling, working on not keeping secrets from you.

There is one, secret, though, that is being kept that he is not aware of. He does not always like to admit mistakes or when he is wrong, but he knows he should not have gotten involved with her, the girl who broke his heart in between you and Nakia, just because he was trying to get over your divorce a few years ago. He knew trying to make her replace you in his heart, in his head, and maybe even in his bed was wrong, which is why he let her go to begin with. But that doesn’t change the past, or the actions that set the events that are about to unfold in motion.

.What neither of you know is that, a few months before you took your pregnancy test and found out that you were pregnant with Abioye, she took a pregnancy test as well. And while things seem good for your family now, that hidden secret is going to come to life.

And what is uncovered may or may not have an impact on the Udaku family forever.

DISCLAIMER- I OWN NO MARVEL CHARACTERS OR THEIR FICITONAL WORLDS AND UNIVERSES, THEY BELONG TO THEIR RIGHTFUL AND RESPECTFUL OWNERS!

@sisterwifeudaku @greenswishbish @airis-paris14 @90sinspiredgirl @shesakillerkween @myboyfriendgiriboy @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @afraiddreamingandloving @beautycomesindifferentformsworld @niecey4cocaine @chaneajoyyy @halfrican-heat @brianabreeze @bezzywazhere @melaninmarvelgirl62 @hutchj

#t'challa x reader #t'challa x you #t'challa udaku #t'challa #black panther imagine #imagines #imagine #tchalla x reader #reader insert #reader

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boomboomclub · 5 years ago

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My husband planned on making a nice dinner and hemmed and hawed about going to the liquor store for some beer. I encouraged him to do as he wished and he went. I was having a nice time last night (things are hard, so I try to embrace a little levity when I can get it). I was playing the kid’s recorder, goofing off, solo-ing terribly to a David Byrne record that he put on. The kids were enjoying some screen time. My husband joked, “Would you like me to film this for you? It could be a vanity project.” He injected only a little bit of disdain and I disregarded it. He seemed like he was enjoying my making a fool of myself and I was too.

Later, we ate dinner, and after, our daughter asked for an orange. As I was at the counter peeling it for her, my husband said, “One of your legs is much larger than the other one.”

Aside from saying I looked like Ben Franklin or David Foster Wallace (lady’s dream comparisons), he’s never really commented on my physical appearance. On occasion, he has said I looked nice when I’ve spent unreasonable amounts on my hair and makeup before an event. It’s fine, I don’t need a lot of complements on my physical appearance (I generally believe if people are sort of fit, content, and move around a little then they probably look ok) and I can even handle jabs too -- but the proportion of my legs was something that I was pretty sure about and, considering the status of our relationship, it stung when he said that.

I looked down and laughed, “No, it’s not. Do you have Other Body Dysmorphia?” He then started digging in a serious way, and brought our 4-year-old into the debate asking her to -- get this -- pick which of my legs was different. I found a piece of string, measured the largest width circumference of my calves and proved to myself that my calves were not disproportionately muscular and let it go. It made him angry that I did that.

Later that night, I got my daughter ready for bed as my husband cleaned up dinner. My daughter always likes to spend some time with her father at bedtime but right as I put her down, he started playing electric guitar at a loud volume. I went down to ask why he was doing that at our daughter’s bedtime and he again became angry, explaining that he had wanted to play guitar all day but couldn’t because he had cooked dinner (as though it was my fault he decided to cook dinner and go to the liquor store.) He started cussing and yelling at me. (this is something that I have been guilty of too -- but I have begun to recognize my triggers) but eventually came around to saying goodnight to his daughter. When things escalate my lately my refrain is, “You have to talk to me if you want something. We can make a plan -- but I can’t read your mind. Things are tense right now. I feel like we really make an effort to be gentle to each other”.

At the end of the night, after he put the kids to bed I tried to talk to him as he was writing an email to his friend. The only thing he said was, “I never want to start a fight with you.” Which, judging from the past several months, I guess I should interpret as “I never want you to confront me.”

When he acts like this: when he lies to the therapist while he sits next to me in couples counseling, when he makes me question my sanity, when he denies that things he did happened, when he tells me that I’m expressing my concerns to manipulate him or start a fight, I feel like my world has turned into a hallway of funhouse mirrors. The funny thing is: I know that he is distorting reality. He’s treating me terribly, his relationship with his son is rocky, and so far, he’s treating our daughter fairly well – but I don’t know how long that will continue. If he wants an ally, it could be indefinite -- she does remind him of his mother’s family.

Here is why I stay when things are so bad:

· He wasn’t always like this so there is a part of me that knows this isn’t him. He used to follow social norms: if he accidentally hurt someone, he could apologize. If I hurt him, he could tell me and I could say “sorry”. If someone was happy, he would join in their happiness instead of trying to bring them down. He didn’t blame me for all of his feelings of disgust and irritability.

· By spending so much of last summer fighting, we’ve taken so much away from our children. I want us to try to do something right for them – and divorce is terrible for them. Because we have young kids, we will also still be in eachother’s lives if we get a divorce. we will still disagree about parenting, he and the boy will still resent each other, I just won’t be around as support for the boy when his father yells at him to "be a man" or kicks a soccer ball at him.

Here is my plan for now:

· Keep going to therapy, embrace that I am fine. I’m not perfect -- but I am definitely not the vain, manipulative, monster that someone is trying to convince me that I am.

· Be attentive and loving to my children and accept that I am the only one who is providing warmth and security to my son right now.

· Get the kids out into the world and let them dive into what they are great at. Help my son find positive male role models and reinforce that he can be like a good man that he admires if he wants to. Listen to him. Encourage him to defend himself. Let him know when he is right to be upset and when he needs to reframe his thinking (e.g. it’s ok for your dad to ask you to clean your room; it’s not ok to for him to hurt you or make you feel small or scared.)

· Give back to my support system, spend time with them, try to have fun, try to provide warmth

#badrelationship #motherhood #familysecrets

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katherinebeckett47 · 8 years ago

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The HOH

I feel like there’s something I need to talk about even if I have no clue where this post is going or where it’ll end up. I should start with the main topic and that’d be my depression and anxiety which isn’t something I talk about with many people, and for a long time, not with anyone. I’ve always been an anxious person. I vividly remember times as a young kid where I’d be so anxious for a field trip that’d I’d fake sick and stay home, even though I’d know I’d have fun. I’m also extremely quiet. My mom has told the story multiple times of how she took me to the doctor when I was a baby because I never cried or complained and she thought something was wrong with me. I was constantly written off as “just shy.” But, internally, I knew the truth. I felt different. All the people laughing with their friends on the playground and here I was sitting on the bench too afraid or “just too shy” to join in. Then I got older and participation became not only highly encouraged but forced. That’s when I decided to home-school myself. Still no one in my family or very-small-almost-non–existent social circle noticed. “Just shy”, I always thought. What does that even mean? Does “just shy” mean that I’ll always feel sick when I see someone interesting that I want to get to know? Does “just shy” mean that I’ll never get close enough to someone and they’ll never know the real me? Will it mean that I’ll struggle everyday to find happiness even though I have no reason to feel unhappy? That’s when I realized I had a serious problem. Anyway, back to present time, or at least say 5 months ago. Back in September of 2016 I started my 1st job at a fast food restaurant. My 1st job at 21. I still didn’t and don’t have a driver’s license, diploma, friends, or things that make me feel accomplished. I had no real social skills when I started working there but I was foolish enough to believe that I could deal with my anxiety and depression on my own. I was very wrong. Not even a week in I was a wreck. Up until this point I’d never told anyone about my problems. Not even my husband, someone I’ve known since I was 12. I decided I needed to talk to him. He’s the love of my life, someone I never want to lose but I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I kept this secret for so long it felt like I wasn’t honest about who I really was but I told him everything. He was exactly how I hoped he’d be. Understanding. He told me he’d try to help the best he can and he definitely did. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t want to be on pills for my depression or anxiety. I felt I had to learn to deal with it. He mentioned essential oils, which do help, but only very slightly and in relaxing situations. Then I noticed that I was getting very depressed. More depressed than I’d ever been. That’s when I started smoking pot and drinking, something I’d never even considered before. I’m not against it in any way but as I said before, I wanted to deal with it naturally and on my own. Anyway, it only got worse. I started smoking before work, being careless. I didn’t care if I got fired. I didn’t care about anything. I felt like I was in a deep fog. Everything looked different and dull. Food tasted bland and I either ate like I was a bottom-less pit or didn’t eat for a day. That’s when the intrusive thoughts started. I’d wake up crying and my brain was telling me to kill myself. I didn’t want to use scissors or knives out of the fear I might snap and hurt or kill myself. I woke up one day and realized I was going to die if I didn’t do anything. I told my husband that I needed to go to the hospital and be admitted. I needed help and it was the 1st time I wanted it. After 2 days of waiting in an ER to be transfered to the psych ward, they finally found a room for me. It was an hour and ½ away from where I lived. I was transferred by ambulance and was admitted at midnight. They showed me my room and I didn’t sleep all night. The morning was rough. I woke up having a panic attack which was made worse by the fact that I had a roommate. I wasn’t comfortable showing that side of myself to my husband for the 9 years we’ve known eachother, let alone a complete stranger. I left the room when she tried to comfort me. I tried to avoid her and everyone else that day but I realized that I had to be here even if it wasn’t the best facility. The first day I tried to go to all the group therapy sessions. Everyone was very nice and immediately introduced themselves. I have a terrible problem judging people before I get to know them. Not how they look but that I think they will judge me or be mean. I learned an incredibly valuable lesson while I was there about that. There are so many awesome people in this world. Flawed yes, but if you give them a chance you’ll learn how to be a decent human. I spent 8 days at the HOH. 8 whole days without a phone, without daily visitation, without electronics other than a TV, and more importantly, no caffinated coffee. There was no choice but to talk to someone. And talk I did, more than I ever had before. On day 1 I talked to the psychiatrist, who was less than friendly to say the least and had the bed-side manner of potato. But I was told he was good with new patients and knew what to prescribe. He prescribed an anti-depressant/anxiety medication. The meds gave me terrible headaches at first but subsided after a couple days. But they helped although I was and still am skeptical. I started getting happier. I was going to the groups everyday and socializing. My favorite was Rec Therapy where you could draw, read, make bracelets, paint, or do anything creative you wanted. But I realized that I was doing everything I wish I could do in life. I was talking about my problems in a crowded room. I was listening to others and realized I’m far from alone even if I still have to remind myself. I had fun. And if I can have fun and be happy while in a psych ward then I could do it. I could make it and I could live. The people I met were amazing. I will never forget any of them. I connected with them on a level I never had with anyome before. I felt normal there which doesn’t really say much about me if I felt normal in a mental hospital. But I don’t care that I’m not normal anymore. I’ve finally accepted it. Let me make it clear that my time there wasn’t easy. It broke me down to my lowest before I could build myself up. I found a reason to live again and that is because the world is a loony place and one big loony bin. If you think for a second that anyone in this world is actually “normal,” you’re far from reality. I only met 15-20 incredible patients at the HOH. Imagine almost 8 billion different people. Different lives. It blows my mind. I have social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, severe depression, and a touch of ADHD. But I want to meet people now. I want to listen and really hear them for the 1st time. It wont be easy. I struggle every day to take my meds and not go back to where I was. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say with this post but I just felt like I needed to write about this. To talk about one of the biggest issues in the world but the least discussed: Mental health. I guess what I want whoever reads all of this to know is that you’re far from alone. Find someone. Someone you know who might understand and talk. And please never stop fighting for yourself. Fight everyday to stay in this universe as long as you can…

#mental health #mental disorder #mental illness #mental institution #depression #anxiety #social anxiety disorder #generalized anxiety disorder #anxieties #this crazy mind I live in

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ah17hh · 4 years ago

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I fell in love and my husband disapproves. via /r/polyamory

I fell in love and my husband disapproves.

This is a REALLY long post, so I apologize in advance.

My husband (30) and I (26f) have been happily married for over 6 years. Just over a month ago, we decided that I would try to date women to determine for sure if I was bisexual. So I made an account on HER and quickly started talking to someone (34f), which I'll refer to as "C". I was really skeptical while talking to C but when we finally met in person a week later, it was like fireworks. We spent all day together and it was the best date I've ever had and all we did was go to a park and walk around. By the end of that date I KNEW I was bi and I REALLY liked this woman. I would even go as far as to say "love at first sight" kind of thing. I've only felt like that with one other person and I married him.

But when I came home that night, it was really late and my husband had already went to bed. He woke up and I excitedly told him about my date. He then told me that he was actually feeling pretty negative about the whole thing and he didn't anticipate feeling this way. It's my fault really- I didn't check up on him throughout the day to make sure he was still okay and I stayed out later than I originally planned. So we did what we always do when we have any issues- we talked about it.

He said that he felt like meeting her would make him feel better about the whole thing and that not knowing her was like he was missing a piece of information and therefore couldn't make an informed decision about whether he could be okay with us dating. So several days later we all met up and it went great. They got along and he said that he liked her. So he gave his blessing to spending the next day with her. I woke up early to leave because I was going to take a ferry to see her and she lives like 1.5 hours away. My husband woke up and went to start working out just as I was about to leave. He looked kinda glum, so I asked him if he was okay. He told me "I just need this to be over with." Normally he would tell me exactly how he's feeling, but even so my emotions clouded my judgment and instead of realizing he needed me to stay, I took it as he needed to know how he feels while I'm on a date and this was a "he needed more information" type of thing.

So I left and drove to the ferry. Once I was parked on the ferry I texted my husband to make sure he was okay. Plot twist, he wasn't. He was very upset and more so because I didn't choose to stay home when he needed me. So I told him once the ferry landed I would start driving home. I called C and told her I wasn't coming, and she was very understanding. She told me that out of respect for my marriage she would block me on everything and we'd part ways, but we continued to talk over a video call most of my drive home. We confessed our irrationally strong feelings for each other and cried.

When I got home, my husband and I had a really long talk where I shared that I loved her and she loves me and that now knowing that I feel that I'm polyamorous and want to live that lifestyle, that being abruptly forced to let go of C would make me feel like I was missing something. But I also reassured him that my feelings for C did not take away my feelings for him. We both cried and then cuddled and napped together. He told me that he didn't realize I felt that way and that knowing my feelings made him want to give it another shot.

So he messaged her since I was blocked on everything and our relationship was back on, but this time we were going to take things slower for my husband's sake. We established more boundaries and we all made an effort to continuously make sure everyone was still feeling okay about the whole thing. The following week my husband gave his blessing for me to visit her. This time I was back before my husband came home from work. I was taking care of some important phone calls when he got home, and a few minutes later I finished and went to greet him. I asked how he was feeling and he said he was upset that I didn't immediately greet him at the door. Mind you, I didn't use to do that before and I was in the middle of business calls, so while I felt his feelings were valid I did find that to be a bit unreasonable and kinda made me feel like he expected me to act like a dog.

So I've been spending the last few weeks working on my empathy and taking extra care to make sure my husband feels loved. But he now dislikes C. Her and I have had several arguments as we're trying to learn about what eachother needs and that plus the jealousy has painted C in a bad light for him. One argument with her ended in her saying "I'm done" and when I asked her to clarify she just repeated "I'm done." I interpreted that as she was ending it. My husband came home a few minutes after and I told him what happened and that she broke up with me. He told me to block her on everything and he messaged her letting her know I was doing that and to confirm an address to send back he necklace she lent me. She agreed that was a good idea and that was that.

The next few days I was literally grieving. I couldn't focus on anything and cycled through being angry, numb, and devastated, and began smoking pot daily to cope (I almost never smoke). Suddenly not having her made me feel intensely lonely. I don't really have friends and she was the first person in years that was eager to talk to me and hear about my day. I told my husband this and he tried to be there for me, but I was a little resentful because I knew he was happy this had ended. Anyway, my weakness got the best of me and I unblocked her on FB and whatsapp to see is she also blocked me- she didn't, so it gave me some hope.

She saw that I unblocked her on whatsapp and she video called me. I was completely shocked and confused and when we started talking we realized there was a huge miscommunication and she did not dump me, she was just upset and was "done" with the conversation. So I spent all day cleaning the house and made dinner to soften the blow when my husband got home and I told him what happened. I asked him at what capacity he'd allow C to be in my life and even if it was just talking to her I'd take it. He wasn't happy that we reconnected and we had an argument, but he said he was okay with us talking.

But then C said she needed some space to reevaluate herself and basically that I shouldn't message her unless it was important. I told her I could do that and that I was just happy knowing she didn't hate me.

But now I've spent the last few days compulsively checking my phone and seeing when C was last online, etc. I just want to talk to her but I don't want to impose on the boundaries she's set. But I think about her constantly. I wake up anxious because she used to call me every morning and wake me up. My husband and I are going to couples counseling next week and he's willing to still try polyamory, but he does not want it to be with her.

She's probably better off without me because this back and forth isn't fair to her, but I'd do anything short of leaving my husband to be with her.

I know how insane this sounds because this literally all happened within a month and I shouldn't be so attached to someone I've only seen in person 3 times. But I fell in love with my husband after only 2 weeks of dating, so this isn't completely abnormal for me.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far ❤

TL;DR Within a month: My husband gave me permission to explore my sexuality. I found out I'm bi and polyamorous and I've fallen in love with a woman. We've broken up twice and my husband does not like her. He's still willing for us to try polyamory, but he just doesn't want me with her. She's now not talking to me and I feel horrendously lonely because of it. We're going to go to therapy.

Submitted August 03, 2020 at 01:05AM by AspiringOtaku via reddit https://ift.tt/31b5rBT

#IFTTT #reddit

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neureaux · 6 years ago

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oh oh, btw!! my reference for uni got sorted out, i managed to get it all sorted in the end so i’ve been a bit less stressed too. also, the guy that broke in got sentenced to 30 months in prison, so there have been some positive moves whilst i’ve been at the retreat! i forgot to update, but that’s when i booked the trip - or around then anyway. my therapists were saying like, maybe it’ll be good for me to get away whilst amber gets my bedroom ready for when i come home, and we try and ease back into making it feel safe again and i just thought, ‘why not?’ so i decided to tick a place off my list that i’ve dreamt about as a lil’ wine lover, since i’ll be parting w/ it. to me, it seems perfect!

there’ll be lots of work to do when i come home, but i haven’t smoked cigarettes since the beginning of the year and i plan to completely stop drinking when i come home (haven’t drank since then either but i will lightly in bordeaux) and i’ll be focused on physio, surgery, university prep and studying, training at my job and moving homes - as well as all my new referrals to help me manage things here and to help me remember to factor in catharsis. they hooked me up with 1 to 1 music therapy to re-learn the cello, light CBT that i can have regularly whilst waiting for the national trauma clinic thing to start, a chronic pain support group, grief counselling and things like yoga and pilates, and little art classes and stuff which i’ll ease myself into when i come home and start getting organised.

i think generally moving towards working through stuff slowly, and filling my schedule again especially when i first get back will help me ease off the emotional crutches i fell back into over the winter like drinking etc, and having taken some time at the retreat where i couldn’t really do that and had to focus on making arrangements for my wellbeing has been really great. i didn’t expect to make friends here either, but i did! i have a post coming up about the girls soon but essentially they have been a big part of my healing too, and we were there for eachother when kind of everyone else in our lives couldn’t quite be in the way that we needed, and we laughed and ate together, and it was just so much more raw and cathartic than i thought it would be.

the beginning is absolutely not going to be a cakewalk, and the confusing, turbulent feelings that i’m working through in terms of my relationship are still going to be here when i get back, but i think everyone here is right about reclaiming my independence as well as my emotional independence.

at the end of the day, i know that i would never have left the country when so much had happened to him if the roles were reversed(granted he didn’t know about the suicidey thing on NYE but he knew i had started to feel that way), and i’m still figuring out what to do with that information. the fact that when i raise the big concerns, they get shelved if i’m lenient instead of addressed or rectified. it’s definitely been pointed out to me a lot that maybe he just couldn’t handle it, seeing all the pain that i was in AND his own life as well and maybe they’re right on that too!! i just think that for me and my own philosophies personally, love for me would trump fear or inner-cowardice and it often has, i feel i have pushed myself a lot and sometime succeeded, sometimes failed but always tried - but i think i’ve always known him to be more fragile than me, and generally skittish and yeah, a bit cowardly maybe - but if you have looked me in the eyes and said, ‘i’m worried about you. i feel like things are just piling and piling onto you.’ and then left me to leave the country in the midst, twice, i think i have reservations - but i’m figuring out what they are. maybe the rational thing here would be to accept that i may be braver than him and move on, work through it and let it go as it’s already been done but is it possible that i deserve somebody that can actually look after my core needs, that i don’t have to bend for or chase? someone that doesn’t hold me, soothe me and kiss me but then regularly let me know how much of an inconvenience my PTSD is for them as if the irritability spouts/agitation moments don’t come from inconceivable fear for me and constant overwhelming sensitivity to my environment and senses? sometimes, tenderness may come with a price - but i do believe that people do exist that are both tender AND brave. i still have that little unhealthy instinct in my head that says that people like us are too much to really be loved properly anyway, but i think that if we’re working to break patterns and get better, maybe it’s rational to fight that and say no, maybe we deserve passion and understanding even if we have tough days, so long as we work to offer that too. maybe we deserve the wonder and magic that others can access. i’ll have to think more about it, really.

reintegration in general with society will be a journey, but i’ll have to just take it day by day. i think i just need to focus on setting small goals and taking things on piece by peice, pursuing the things that make me feel happy and fulfilled, and learning to sit with the moments of sadness and reflection and really trying to take something from them in the way of learning - and then separating from them, moving on. for now, i won’t look too far ahead. i’ll look at the things that i can solve, and allocate time to try and figure out the tougher stuff in chunks and manage my emotions when i do, because especially in terms of my relationship, they really cycle at the moment. i feel genuine love, pain, resentment, hope, and sometimes a sense of finality but i just need to figure it out. at the end of the day, he’s a flawed human being and he deserves someone to be patient for him too, but it’s hard when he doesn’t really know how to navigate returning that courtesy emotionally properly yet and i’m not really in a position to teach him. even if he had left now, towards the end of january as he had originally agreed, this may have been a different conversation and a different thought process, but the fact that my coming here was an incentive to leave early as opposed to really finding out why i needed to be here in the first place spoke to me on a volume that i find it hard to quantify with words.

well, here’s to more thinking!!

#ah life #lmao #personal

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waylondeering4-blog · 7 years ago

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leilaland · 7 years ago

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** This post contains referral links, however I am in no way compensated for these and all opinions are my own**

We all love to coo over adorable pictures of dogs and puppies but did you also know that dogs have been found to benefit our health, both physical and mental too? I regularly credit my black & chocolate labradors, Leonard & Nemo with saving my sanity after my family endured the toughest days a family could ever face. I actually can’t begin to imagine how differently things would be now without them. Let me explain…

In April 2012, my youngest daughter, Charlotte suffered a sudden and completely unexpected brain haemorrhage caused by a huge aneurysm on the main artery to the brain. We knew absolutely nothing about this and doctors later told me that this had to have been there since birth just ticking away, waiting for its moment to strike. Well it chose its moment wrong! Charlotte luckily was in my bed that night after having a movie & snacks night with myself and her sister and so I was able to wake up in time to call for help and just about keep her alive until the ambulance crew arrived, thankfully very quickly! She survived the trip to our local hospital, just, and following tests was quickly put on life support and transferred to a specialist hospital in Leeds some 30+ miles away. We had to travel separately as the team needed to keep her alive on her journey was so big, there was no room for Mummy. She made it to Leeds and was taken straight into 2 life saving surgeries whilst my family gathered and waited for news. One of the surgeons came and told me that Charlotte had survived the unsurvivable and that in over 20 years they had never seen a healthy child experience this and that they had never seen anybody survive this kind of haemorrhage outside of a hospital. The fact that she had made it to two hospitals was a miracle. Not content with one miracle, we don’t do things by halves around here, Charlotte spent the next couple of days coming out of her coma and beginning to recognise us but then disaster struck again when she suffered massive strokes, a complication of the initial brain haemorrhage, which left her in another coma and fighting hard to stay alive. We were told to gather the family and prepare to say goodbye, I may have threatened a surgeon and told him to not dare come back from the operating room without my baby and once again, we sat and waited. A gruelling 4 and a half hours later I got the call. She was back in intensive care, the next few hours were going to be critical but she made it this far. I never left her side, I vowed to not come home without her and so, for the next 8 weeks that is where we stayed and fought. Together. I willed every bit of strength into my clever, funny, brilliant baby girl and silently seethed at the universe for daring to hurt one of mine. A few days later as I was told that a staring, unblinking, dribbling Charlotte was the Charlotte I would eventually be taking home, I dug down further, told them, politely, that they knew nothing where my girl was concerned, got into her bed, cuddled her and sang our favourite song which had just started playing on the radio. “There’s a fire starting in my heart. Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark” – what a line, ey? Something magical happened and Charlotte smiled! This child who I had just been told would never react to me, would never be able to recognise anything had just responded to me singing something that she knew. There she was!! Over the following 8 weeks, she continued to fight and to come back, bit by bit from wherever those strokes had taken her but one day in particular made our family grow. As my best friend was visiting, a ‘pets as therapy’ dog called Ruby was brought onto the ward and Charlotte, who up to this point was still learning to speak, eat, read etc. all over again, suddenly jumped up, grabbed Ruby’s lead, said “walk!” and took her for a gentle walk around her ward! This was the first real connection between memory and physical ability that she had made and with tears in our eyes, my best friend and I looked at eachother and said “We need a dog!”.

A month after Charlotte had finally come home, my best friend, my sister and I bundled both of my girls into the car and took a trip to visit a dog breeder. I grew up with a canine best friend, Wagstaff who I missed enormously throughout our trauma but as I got out of the car and smelled that familiar puppy smell, I knew she wasn’t far away. We walked into see the puppies and had a fairly concrete idea of what we were looking for. My friend, however shouted me over as apparently someone wanted to meet me. This tiny black bundle of energy was yapping insistently and jumping up at its door, looking around everyone to direct all of this energy at me. I couldn’t walk away after being greeted so excitedly by this pup and asked the lady if I could have a cuddle. She picked the pup up and passed it over for a cuddle and he instantly calmed, placing his chin on my shoulder and squeezing it down, nuzzling my neck. I wrapped both arms around him and cuddled him right back, feeling a sense of peace that I hadn’t felt in months. He never went back into his kennel and, 5 and a half years later is sat by my side as I type this.

Baby Leonard being lovingly cuddled by Megan

Baby Leonard on his way home with two excited girls

He has been my clown when I needed to laugh (he regularly appears in my YouTube videos and makes my viewers laugh too!) he has been my protector and my best friend, he has been my reason to get up and keep going sometimes and, best of all, he has made us happy. When Leonard was 9 months old, a local dog needed rehoming and a friend kindly suggested that he come to us. Within days, our furry family had grown and along came Nemo, a smiley faced 7 year old chocolate labrador who has us in hysterics every single day. Leonard and Nemo have adored each other since the moment they met and are inseparable. Even now, as Nemo gets older and slower they curl up together and play (albeit a little less energetically)

I mentioned at the beginning of this post that dogs have been found to be mentally and physically beneficial to us humans. Did you know that dogs have been found to lower blood pressure and cholesterol which equals less strain on your heart and lowers the risk of cardiovascular disease? There is just something so calming about sitting and stroking your dog, not to mention the fact that they need regular walking. All of that exercise isn’t just good for the dogs, but isn’t it funny that a lot of us would only get that exercise when we have a dog but that exercise increases our oxytocin, the feel good hormone our brains kindly pump out for us, and lowers cortisol, the ‘stress hormone’ which can cause allsorts of hormonal imbalance symptoms such as fatigue? They literally make us take better care of ourselves alongside taking good care of them! Dogs have also been found to reduce anxiety and depression and I can absolutely attest to that! Ever since Leonard came home he has slept with me and just the feel of him laid across me or sleeping with his head on my shoulder has an instant calming effect. I think of it in the same way as a weighted blanket can reduce anxiety by helping you to feel more grounded. He is basically my 7 stone, furry weighted blanket!

My eldest daughter is autistic and struggles to articulate her emotions yet with Nemo, she feels calm and happy and he is the loveliest companion to her. He will happily sit with her all day under a blanket while she draws and chats to him. All of these health benefits add up to a much healthier immune system and potentially a longer life so I would say that dogs really are our best friends!

Do any of you have dogs or have you had dogs in the past? I’d love to hear about them!

If you are thinking of bringing a dog into your family, I would heartily recommend visiting the fabulous folk at Puppy Spot where, if you live in the US, you can get help finding your furry friend. For those of us outside the US, you can also find information of different breeds of dog to help in deciding which could be the best for your family. My favourite, and I am completely biased, is this labrador retriever information page.

I really hope that you have enjoyed reading this post about my pups and why they are so important to us. If you have, please do share it with your friends and make sure you subscribe!

My dogs saved my family and how yours could too! ** This post contains referral links, however I am in no way compensated for these and all opinions are my own**

#dogs #Family #Health #Labrador #Lifestyle #Lifestyle blog #Lifestyle blogger #Lifestyle blogger UK #Lifestyle bloggers UK #New blog #New blog post #Puppy #UK Lifestyle blog #UK Lifestyle blogger #Wordpress lifestyle blogger #Wordpress lifestyle blogs

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