#they kept denying him that ability to feel safe being a ‘person named Anakin’ who could feel confident being the best version of himself

[gch1995]

I love Anidala in a tragic romance sort of way, but yeah, while Anakin had a reckless vicious streak in regards to enemies who fucked with him or those he cared about first and codependent side in regards to Padme that eventually became downright dangerously possessive and toxic when he went off the rails in RotS in his fear of losing her to a possible threat, Padme certainly wasn’t this perfect angel he idealized her as being either. I’m going to keep out stuff like the Clovis arc because I think it was a flanderdization of Anakin’s possessive flaw before he went dark.

In the movies, he was an anxious-avoidant, awkward, and naive late-teen to early twenties young adult who got attached to Padme too deeply and too quickly because she was the first person who was willing to let him talk to her about how he felt and his much his life as a Jedi sucked after enduring ten years of being emotionally/psychologically abused, isolated, neglected, and shut down by Obi-Wan, Yoda, the Jedi Council, and his peers in the Order for having valid individual needs and concerns, wanting to bond with them, and wanting stay in touch with his mother. Yeah, Palpatine was there, too, but he genuinely didn’t give any shits about Anakin, in spite of pretending to, and he was still a mentor/superior, not someone he could try to be partners and have a life with. Yes, he had an exceedingly vicious side in regards to his enemies, and he was codependent and clingy to those he got attached to. Internally, he sometimes had some feelings of jealousy over other people who tried to get close to her or others he cared about, but he also had those same issues with Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, and Luke when they sided with other people over him, or got ahead, at least in part, because they were lucky.

Nonetheless, in the movies, Anakin never laid a hand on Padme or anyone else he cared about before that scene on Mustafar when he was high on the dark side for the first time, half out of his mind, and under the wrong impression that she had deliberately brought Obi-Wan to Mustafar after he went dark to execute him for Yoda when Obi-Wan walked out of her ship ready to kill him right as she was telling Anakin she loved him, but she couldn’t support him when he was going down this dark path that negatively affected her and her people now too. I think it makes more sense that, while not innocent, the high of the dark side for the first time in someone who is already so emotionally/psychologically unstable and seriously struggling with suppressed emotions, gave Anakin this sense of false invincibility when he was strangling Padme in a blind paranoia and rage in that moment.

Like, he genuinely was so overconfident in his control over this new power in the heat of the moment that he thought he could strangle Padme for a second to let out his rage in the moment without causing any lasting or lethal damage. Granted, he didn’t because Obi-Wan telling him to drop her twice brought him back to his senses enough to realize what he was doing, so he dropped her before he could strangle her to death. Plus, the Republic and Jedi were doomed, no matter who Anakin chose at that point, anyway, but his decision to go dark and his reckless force choke definitely did contribute to Padme’s ultimate demise of death by broken heart syndrome/trauma.

However, he never laid a hand on Padme or openly disrespected her before in the movies. Nor do I really buy that he would be the type of guy to start using his fists to beat people to death for vengeance. That’s more of Luke’s heat of the moment type rage. If Anakin’s really pissed off at someone in the heat of the moment, he’ll just stab them to death with his lightsaber quickly, grab them with a force choke to intimidate them, get answers, shut them up, or kill them, and/or, as his master Obi-Wan taught him, sever one or more of the limbs off from the arteries of his victims to “teach them a lesson in accepting loss and suffering.”

That being said, yeah, in regards to Padme’s flaws, she’s not intentionally evil, and in comparison to Obi-Wan Kenobi and the Jedi Council, she actually is somewhat of a healthier relationship for Anakin than they are. At least, she doesn’t make him feel like garbage for having valid feelings of anger, desire, and fear altogether. At least, she let’s him talk to her about those feelings without constantly judging him as being “dangerous,” “evil,” or “inhuman” altogether. At least, she encouraged him to go and look for his mother when he sensed she was in danger and went with him to help keep him out of trouble with Obi-Wan and the Council for leaving his post, rather than giving him Obi-Wan’s and Yoda’s bullshit dismissals and platitudes of “Dreams pass in time” and “Rejoice in death,” even though they knew very well that there entirely was a real possibility that Anakin’s force visions of his loved ones being in danger could come true.

Padme is also rather arrogant, inconsiderate, hypocritical, and selfish in her willfully naive attitude in regards to harsh reality right in front of her in her fear of the unknown, and doesn’t treat serious issues that she sees in Anakin, the Republic, and the Jedi Order until she is negatively affected by them as a result. Much like Anakin, Obi-Wan, Yoda, and the Jedi Order, she wants to bring peace and harmony to the galaxy, but she’s so hyper-focused on achieving the end result of peace and harmony by holding on to security at all costs that she overlooks the fact that she actually has to be willing to let it go and take the risk of standing up for what’s right to achieve truly lasting peace and security, even when all the odds seem to be against her succeeding.

You can’t just keep pretending everything will be okay when you know they are not, only freak out when you and the people you care about are seriously negatively affected by those problems you continued to tell yourself would get better if you pretended they would, and then suddenly expect for the negative consequences of your denial of those serious issues to settle down and go away if you run away from them. Tragically, that is something that Padme does all through the prequels until the very end, not just in regards to Anakin’s flaws, but Obi-Wan’s flaws, the Jedi Order’s flaws, and the flaws of the overall Republic she serves as a whole.

In the Phantom Menace, at 14 years old, Padme goes to Tatooine, and is genuinely horrified to realize that slavery is a serious issue on this planet in the outer rims because the authorities of the Republic government she has served her whole life won’t do anything to help implement a proper legal system and ban slavery there. However, we never see her talking to her advisors about doing more to help them out, even though at least two of these slaves went out of their ways to risk their lives to protect her and her two weird military monk body guards without any thought of reward for themselves. I get that Padme is only one person and a 14 year old girl at this point, so it’s not really on her that the outer rims have been neglected by the Republic she’s serving, and I get that she couldn’t just save everyone on the outer rims by herself.

Padme at the very least owed it to Anakin and Shmi to try her best to protect them and free them from slavery, though, considering all the risks they took to protect her, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gonn Jinn without any requests for a reward in return. Yet, she doesn’t do that because they aren’t her more pressing concern and she decides to believe that the authorities will take care of it, even though they haven’t in all this time.

Ten years later, Padme is a twenty-four year old senator of the Republic who falls for Anakin and faithfully serves her Republic. While she means well, we still see that she hasn’t done anything to try to mitigate the issue of slavery on Tatooine for Anakin’s mom or any of the other slaves because she still tells herself “the authorities will take care of it.”

While it absolutely is true that there was no real legal system on Tatooine to deal with crime in a fair and proper manner, and Padme had no authority to punish Anakin for committing voluntary mass manslaughter of the Tusken Raiders by putting him on trial for his crimes in court, or putting him in jail, Padme still sees that Anakin is visibly feeling simultaneously angry at the Tuskens for abducting and torturing his mother to death, angry with himself for not being able to save her life in time, deeply ashamed and guilty over not being able to save her, and deeply ashamed and guilty over being willing to take out his rage against other people who presented themselves as enemies and potential threats in such a horrifically merciless and vindictive manner. It is entirely valid for Anakin to be feeling very angry and hurt by the clan of Tusken Raiders for abducting and torturing his mother to death. He should be able to feel safe talking about it, and it is genuinely horrible and unfair that there was no proper legal system to charge and put a stop to the Tuskens for their crimes of terrorism against his mother and the people of his village.

That being said,most of the the Tuskens in that village were not blameless and helpless victims, this massacre Anakin committed went beyond just reasonable self-defense. He willingly killed a number of these Tusken Raiders when their guards were down, including the children who would have had nothing to do with his mother’s abduction and torture, in a personal desire for vengeance and excessive fear of the unknown. However, while Padme does help somewhat by comforting Anakin in that moment in AOTC, she also seems to overlook the fact that he’s not in a healthy state of mind or very happy being a Jedi at all.

Anakin seems to be sticking with it out of a sense of duty and obligation because one of them took him in from slavery, and he has nothing else in the Republic to fall back on for a job, never does she think to say. Throughout the entirety of AOTC, RotS, and TCW, his interactions with Padme make it clear that he is tired of living as a Jedi, but continues to stay with it, even after being knighted and marrying Padme, because he has no one else outside of the Republic or Jedi after his mother dies. His two closest relationships that offer him any form of security, aside from Palpatine, who is grooming him for evil, are with two people who are also deeply flawed to the point of selfishness and toxicity to Anakin himself in their enablement and/or perpetration of whatever corruption benefits and/or doesn’t affect them in their fear of the unknown, hypocritical morality, pride, willful denial, and repeated insistence that Anakin continue to bottle up his better instincts, personal issues, and true feelings to fit in to protect his reputation, to protect their reputations, to protect them, to protect himself, and to protect the galaxy, even when he tried to tell them that he was tired of keeping his relationship with Padme a secret, tired of being a Jedi, and tired of pretending to fit in and be someone he was not.

While they’re not responsible for Anakin’s actions, nor did they deserve what happened to them in response for refusing to encourage him to do better and stand up for himself by being honest and getting away from these broken systems before he completely lost his shit, Obi-Wan and Padme are also partially responsible for enabling and reinforcing Anakin’s decline in emotional/mental stability and his slave mindset by continuing to pressure him to keep following along with these systems that they knew were broken in their own arrogance, fear of the unknown, and selfishness I don’t think their intentions were malicious, or that they never truly loved Anakin at all, and I do get where their fears were coming from, especially with Padme. She got pregnant with Anakin’s kids by the time of Revenge of the Sith, she had to be the breadwinner, and she knew the Jedi Council wouldn’t hesitate to recruit their kids as Jedi if they found out about them. Obi-Wan really had nothing outside of the Jedi Order either. However, they definitely did not do their best to help Anakin or other people who they knew were suffering because of their system’s methods. Much like Anakin himself eventually became, they became too selfish to do that in their fear of taking that risk.

honestly I do think a Padmé who was actually principled and courageous would have been a fantastic character if they’d managed to write her that way but part of me really does love the mess of ‘I can fix him’ living-in-a-barbie-dreamhouse-fantasyland Padmé we actually end up with when all the pieces of her character that we actually got are cobbled together

[dinner-djarin]

Until the Sun Rises

Part 1: Chosen or not

Anakin Skywalker x Jedi!reader

Notes: As much as I love Star Wars, I am not completely versed in how the Force works, so I may or may not have made some stuff up. Honestly I'm not really sure, but I tried not to make it too drastic. Also I made up a name for the readers Master (Master Setne). I hope it doesn't take anyone out of the fic. Also this fic is dedicated to @hellotherebonky. Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy ;)

Word count: 2.9k

Rating: T

Summary: Growing up as a Jedi isn't all you wished it could be. You wonder if this path is the right one for you, that is until you meet a young Anakin Skywalker.

Warnings: Nothing I can think of immediately. There might be light swearing somewhere, but honestly it's pretty PG, being about the Jedi and all. Very Angsty. It's kinda self doubty and there's some negative thoughts about the readers own abilities and stuff (pls be kind to yourself)

The Jedi life is all you’ve ever known. But if you’re being honest with yourself, you aren’t quite convinced you’re cut out for it.

Sure, you want the galaxy to be safe and at peace. Sure, you understand that you have been blessed by the Maker; given the ability to use and understand The Force in a more intimate way than most. But every day that passes in the temple makes you wonder whether this life is the one you would choose for yourself, or if it just so happens to be the life you’ve ended up with.

Being a Padawan is no easy feat. You study day in and day out. You practice and you meditate, and you learn as much as you can, as fast as you can. Your Master has been a guiding lighting through your training, taming your desires and chaotic nature. But as much as you appreciate all they have done for you; they aren't the reason you stay.

There’s only one person who keeps you trapped in the life you wish you could leave. He’s the only true friend and family you feel like you’ve ever known. Even though Master Setne has been there for you through all your highs and lows, only Anakin Skywalker feels like home.

Your first few years at the temple felt so dark and clouded, but the day you met the young boy changed everything. His aura was warm and inviting, and it blended so beautifully with yours - his light blue the perfect complement to your vibrant orange.

You were acquainted quickly, and inseparable from that moment on. Your training was slightly slower than his, but still you made the point to work hard and stay close to him. Even as younglings, any time you could be together, you were. Later in life, Anakin would taunt you for this, saying you were always chasing after him, following him like a lost Loth-cat. But you knew in your heart that he never wanted to be without you. He felt protective over you. He liked knowing you were with him should anything go wrong, as if the boy could do anything to stop impending threats. It brought him joy and comfort to see your smile as you chased him down every hall of the temple.

Later on, however, your training would take you down slightly separate roads. Obi-wan insisted that Anakin’s training be practical and hands-on, something you wished desperately for. However, you were stuck at the temple, learning theory and force abilities, glued to holo-screens full of ancient texts, your brain overwhelmed and understimulated. You longed for the day you got to experience a fight; you craved danger and secretly wished for an outrageous calamity on a far-off planet where you could sweep in and save the day.

However, the days where Anakin joined your studies kept you hopeful. The stolen glances behind monitors and quiet laughter that arose from your persistent silly faces kept a smile plastered on your face for weeks. Any moment shared with Anakin filled your days and nights with a longing bliss; a dream of what life could be like when it was just the two of you, the rest of the world falling away. Every responsibility or dread of impending doom faded to a place you could not reach and did not care to look. Only he mattered. And you hoped - dreamed - that he felt the same for you.

You wondered if maybe when he was on assignment off world, facing unknown dangers and near-death experiences, if you were on his mind. If when he came back bloodied and bruised, he wished for you to greet him first, for you to comfort him at his side in the infirmary. Obviously, you were important to him, being one of the only other people willing to put up with his boyish arrogance, but still you feared you may not have brought him the same comfort that he did for you.

As you grew older, you were lucky to find your bedchambers right next door to those of Anakin’s, and even more lucky to know that your headboards fell against the same adjacent wall. The two of you spent countless nights reaching out through the force to feel each other's presence. A tease for what you could have, had your barrier disappear. As you tuned your skills, you were able to do more than feel each other's auras. Eventually, you lay awake night after night speaking to each other in a way most could never understand. It was more than words shared amongst friends. It was a swirling mix of emotions and images and fears and dreams, blended together intimately between the wall which kept your physical forms separate.

When you were teens - almost adults - you found ways to become more reckless. Sneaking out to roam the temple halls and explore to places previously forbidden. Finding your way to rooftop balconies of your own making and watching the stars of Coruscant’s sky. Anakin would list off the plethora of different systems he had been to, whereas you were only able to name a handful that you’d visited yourself. You followed his lead, as he yearned to push every boundary in his way. He had never been one to follow commands blindly, and it leaked into the life he shared with you. Your stolen moments were often a direct product of Anakin’s juvenile disregard for the Order’s attempt to control him.

One night, you were readying yourself for sleep when you heard your door quickly slide open and shut before you could even turn to observe it.

“What the-” you start to question as you turn to face the intruder.

“Your senses must be dulling, young Padawan” he starts with a whisper. “If you cannot sense my presence after so many years together.”

“First of all, Anakin, you’re a Padawan as well, so don’t even start that. And second, as much as I wish I could ignore your cocky presence in the Force, I tend not to expect anyone's presence when I’m about to go to sleep for the night.”

“Well, if you can only feel my presence when you are expecting it, you won't be a very efficient Knight, will you, little one?”

“Anakin, I swear. I’m only a year younger than you, please stop calling me that!” Every time he talks about how young you are, your heart splinters just a little. Every day you wished he saw you in a better light, saw you for the woman you almost were, instead of the child he first met. “And I would be a better Jedi if Master Setne actually believed in me. But no. I’m stuck here while you get to go wave your saber around every star system in the galaxy. I mean come on it’s not like you're so special. Hmm Mister ‘Chosen One’”

“Erg, I wish you’d stop that.” He grunted quietly.

“What? I mean Obi-wan believes it. His master believed it too. It’s not so crazy-”

“No. I wished you’d stop. Stop thinking of me like that.” His words pierce you like ice, a harsh grip at your throat. Stop thinking of me like that. His words brought an irrational wave of confusion to your thoughts. Every fear you’d known came bubbling to the surface in a moment, fearing he knew of your affection… and subsequently didn’t return it. “And I wish you didn’t think of yourself like that. You are talented, little one. You're brilliant and cunning. I’ve sparred with you enough to know that you would be able to hold your own out there.”

He moves to sit on your bed, although you remain frozen on the spot. Anakin gazes out of your floor-to-ceiling window, “I’m not better than you. I’m not who they want me to be. I’m not Chosen.” He whispers quietly, almost low enough that you wonder if he even intended for you to hear.

Slowly, your heartbeat evens out and you think you begin to breathe again. It's not your feelings of love that he despised, but your eagerness to view him as superior to you. The feeling in your fingertips and toes returns and it is enough to get you to move towards the window as well.

You move carefully to sit cross-legged beside him, and you join him in watching the bustle of Coruscant in silence. After several minutes of gazing at speeders pass by and store signs blink repeatedly you place your hand on his thigh and gently tilt your head to rest on his shoulder.

“I know you Anakin, arguably better than most, and you are talented. You’re amazing. There’s a reason you're out there keeping peace, while the rest of us barely get to leave the temple. You may just be the best Jedi of our age one day. Chosen or not.”

“I doubt that very much.” He spoke plainly, almost compulsory. Like he knew your words were true, but he had to deny them anyway. Anakin had always been self-assured. He never tried very hard but could somehow always tackle any difficult topic during training. Something that might take you a month to master took him mere minutes.

“Modesty doesn’t look good on you.” You note, as you take in the way his brow furrows and his lips scrunch into a frown. He always looked good, the damn jerk, but poking at his ego always came easy to you.

“I won’t lie to you,” He starts as he meets your examining gaze, and you dare to raise your brow, “You’d see right through me if I even tried,” he smiles, and you stifle a giggle as you listen closely to his next confession, “I do think I could be great. I notice how easy everything comes to me, how little work I have to put in, especially compared to you. Sometimes I even think Obi-wan is running out of things to teach me. He deals more in life lessons now than saber training. And I do wish to one day be on the council, maybe even lead it-”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream that far Anakin,” you cut him off, and you don't miss the worry that fills his face. Eager to ease him, you finish, “I doubt you’ll be able to outlive Master Yoda. 900 years he’s going on, if I’m correct? Good luck topping that.” And with a wink you see ease wash over him, with a huff of laughter barely escaping his nose.

“You’ve got me there, little one.” He says as he turns his stare back to the city. “Regardless, even though I know I could make it, I wonder if it’s truly the place for me.” He finishes. But in a second you whip your eyes around to meet his staring back at you.

“What are you talking about Anakin! You’re everything the council looks for. Brave, talented, brilliant, and even after all that, you care. You care about protecting the galaxy, keeping peace. You care about everyone around you. They should count themselves lucky to have you amongst their ranks. And besides…” You start to confess, but quickly lose momentum.

After a moment of quiet, Anakin presses you, “Besides what?”

“Anakin, if you don’t belong here… You have to because…”

“Little one?”

“If you don’t belong here, how can I?” You finally admit, both to him and yourself. You know it is foolish, but you’ve always thought of him as the ideal Jedi. Perfect in every way. Ready for battle, or negotiation. Wanting to save everyone with his kind heart. If he didn’t believe he fit here, how could you? How could anyone?

“Hey, don’t say that. You’re an amazing Jedi, well Jedi-in-training.” he corrects himself, “I just think sometimes I’m not made to sit and talk about issues. And I worry that when I have the freedom to be a fully-fledged Knight, I may not agree with the council. Even now I often wonder if their decisions are the best, or most efficient. They seem so detached from it all…” His eyes fall to his lap, and from only his profile you can see how worried he truly is about the matter.

“You’re right.” His eyes dart up to meet your own, that lost look beginning to melt in the presence of your agreement. “They do seem detached but isn’t that the way it's supposed to be. ‘No attachments’ and all that. If they - if we - attach ourselves to things, we cannot make educated decisions. We must trust in The Force for guidance. And since our Master’s have developed their connections fully, we must trust their decisions as they work through The Force.”

“Yes. You are right.” Anakin begins, a tone of disappointment lodged in his voice.

“But we must also trust ourselves,” you counter, “And know that our own connection to The Force might guide us differently from what the council suggests. If we can’t trust ourselves, we have no business being Jedi, in-training that is.” You finish, and you hope that Anakin has not lost hope in your words. He basically told you that he feels the same struggle that you do, but you were too ashamed to admit that. You wish to yourself that you could be like him. Brave and courageous. Daring and bold. Willing to bare himself to you so openly and knowing full-well what consequences may come. “Anakin,” your voice now only a whisper, and you make your way to hold his hand, “I hope you know that you do belong here. Even if you never make it on the council.” His eyes now full of confusion and hurt from your words, but you persist. “Even if you are the Chosen One... or not. All I know is what I’ve seen. And I have seen you become a strong, caring man. A man who does what he believes is right, no matter the consequences to himself. Even the things you neglect to tell me, I hear from the Temple gossip. I know how close to death you’ve been, for the sake of others. You’ve risked your life, even for your Master on occasion. I mean come on, Anakin. How could we not be lucky to have you here? One day you will do something incredible for the Jedi order, I know it. Even if you don’t think so, I know. I know you belong here, and I know you will be the best of us. So, if you don’t trust yourself, or your Master, or The Force... then trust me.”

The words tumbled from your tongue like an avalanche, unstoppable and devastating. The moment they left you, you wished for your Life Force to be sucked away on the spot. But Anakin just stared at you. He stared and you stared back. And if not for the noise of the upper levels of Coruscant, you might have thought you had been transported somewhere new; to a place where only you two existed. You could feel his body heat diffusing through his fingers to your frozen clutch, yet still your blood ran cold out of the fear for what might happen next.

“What will come of us when we are Knighted, little one?” He asked through an equally hushed tone. “What will I do without your constant guidance?”

“What will I do without you, Anakin? I already can’t stand being left here alone so often, watching you traverse the galaxy with Obi-wan. When you’re Knighted, which could very well be any day now, you’ll be gone for so much longer. And I’ll still be here.”

You barely manage to breathe in the presence of the suffocating silence that follows your words. But soon after, you hear Anakin's quiet unassured voice return. “I could take you with me?”

“Stop it, Anakin.” You playfully retort.

“I’m serious.” His voice becoming stronger in his conviction, “Once we are Knighted - the both of us - we can ask to be assigned together. It would be unwise for the council to deny how well we work together. You’d only have to wait until you face the trials, which I know won't be long either. You work hard enough, and Master Sente would be a fool to keep you locked up here much longer.” The dream of partnering with Anakin brings warmth back to your body, and you allow yourself a moment to indulge in the picture. You and Anakin defending each other, protecting each other. The long trips through hyperspace where you could strategize, and train together. You could spend every day and every night with each other. The dream is delectable.

But it is just that. A dream.

Not only would you need the approval of the council and need to wait until whenever your Master decided you were ready for the trials. But you also knew that new Knights were rarely assigned together. If anything, they were often stationed with their Master’s for months until it was assured they could handle any troubles on their own.

“It’s a nice idea,” you placate his wistful thinking, “I truly hope we get to see that day soon.” And with those words you decide the night must come to an end. You nudge Anakin's side and remark the hour, “Our Master’s will have us running drills for days if they catch us up so late past curfew.”

“Well then. Until the sun rises,” He says with a wink.

“And until the sun sets.” You finish as you watch your door slide shut between you and him.

~~~~~~~

Part 2

Thanks for reading!

There will be 3 parts to this story, so if you enjoyed, stay tuned!! Its gonna be tragic..

[jasontoddiefor]

Title: death by any other name [1/6] Summary: While on a mission during his years as a Padawan, Obi-Wan escapes the tight hold of death transformed into something not quite human. In the years following, he isn’t always so lucky. Or: Five Times Obi-Wan Kenobi should have stayed dead and one time Anakin Skywalker nearly did. An: Happy birthday @bigdickobiwan! Here, take a cheesy Vampires but in space AU except I never use the term vampire.

Read on AO3

Obi-Wan’s entire apprenticeship was cursed by troubles and disasters. He stumbled from one war into another, every conflict tearing more at his soul, sending him into the healing halls far more often than his friends. He knew they eyed his situation warily, as did many Masters given his rocky start as Qui-Gon Jinn’s Padawan, but Obi-Wan didn’t feel like they had any right to interfere. They didn’t care enough to look after him when he was thirteen, angry, and hurting with nobody willing to take him on. Nothing had changed since then, except that despite his many failures, he seemed to have become worth something in their eyes. He wasn’t enough, not yet, but apparently he had more potential now that they hadn’t been able to spy before.

It only took a few near-death experiences.

Most Padawans didn’t engage in as many combat missions as Obi-Wan, but their Masters also didn’t have a penchant to favor aggressive negotiations. Or maybe they decided to listen to common sense as well as the Force and not just rely on the latter. Obi-Wan didn’t know, he was merely guessing and now it soon would be too late for him to ever learn.

He had lost too much blood, he could feel it. His life was slowly ebbing away. The pain had already disappeared completely and so had all sense in his fingertips. At least his death would be painless. He wasn’t drowning or suffocating or being tortured to death. His side had merely taken a terrible hit and he was bleeding out faster than his Master could come to save him.

He just hoped he wouldn't be causing Qui-Gon too much grief with his death. The man deserved at least one apprentice who didn’t screw up and he could see to their knighting. Obi-Wan was distinctly aware that he should be afraid of passing away like this, but all he could feel was regret.

All his missed opportunities seemed to play out in front of his inner eye, weeping. There were so many people he had wanted to talk to still, apologize and laugh with them one last time, but it wasn’t the will of the Force.

At least he had managed to get the princess out of the camp she had been held in and found them shelter. Qui-Gon would be able to find them and return her to her family, restoring the peace of the planet. The dark woods of this world weren’t a terrible grave either. Obi-Wan had been supposed to go to the AgriCorps, perhaps it was just right that he fell asleep amongst trees so old, they had seen the rise and fall of the Republic many hundred times.

“I’m sorry, Obi-Wan,” the princess cried.

“-alright,” Obi-Wan managed to reply, half his sentence swallowed by his breath.

He was so, so tired.

But the princess was going to be fine. Obi-Wan would die with honor, doing his duty as a Jedi. The poor girl would get to go home and hopefully leave all the memories of this kidnapping behind her. She didn’t look to be a day over eight, she might learn to forget this day yet. Her family hadn’t been particularly forthcoming on why she had been kidnapped, had only stated that she possessed a valuable gift and no negotiations would be happening until she was home again.

“I can- I can fix this,” she stuttered and wiped her tears off her cheeks. “I can make this right.”

She didn’t have to do anything. Obi-Wan had accepted his fate and he would become one with the Force and watch as the storms over Mon Calamar, the winds on Cato Neiomoida, and the deserts of Tatooine.

“You didn’t deserve this,” she said. “And they will all just stop fighting if I give it up. Stupid traditions. Just watch, Obi-Wan. I bestow upon you my gift of life.”

Obi-Wan couldn’t make out what she was doing, but next thing he felt was a sharp pain in his neck. It felt as if somebody had jagged two knives into it. The pain didn’t dull, it burned and slowly spread. It felt as if somebody had set him on fire. Then, just when he thought it couldn’t get worse, the princess pushed her hand into his mouth. Out of reflex, Obi-Wan bit down on it. He tasted something sweet that reminded him distinctly of the teas he drunk back in the temple.

For a moment there was silence.

Then he started to scream. The last thing he heard before unconsciousness claimed him was the princess’s unwavering voice. “You’re not dying on me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

The darkness lingered for long. It felt as if centuries passed all while Obi-Wan was just vaguely aware of his surroundings. When he did wake up, he felt even more exhausted than he had before he had passed out. Above him stood Qui-Gon Jinn, looking more torn than Obi-Wan had ever seen him. Obi-Wan tried to reach out to him with his mind, but their bond felt like it had been torn to shreds, was only now starting to connect again.

“Master?” he tried to say, but all that escaped him sounded more like “Mashe’?”

“Rest,” Qui-Gon said and Obi-Wan closed his eyes once more.

It continued like that for a while.

Obi-Wan woke up, feverish, confused or in pain, and his Master was sitting at his bedside, watching over him. When Obi-Wan finally woke up for good, the very same view greeted him once more. Qui-Gon was sitting in a chair, engrossed in a datapad. They were not on their mission anymore, but back in the temple. Obi-Wan could feel it in the Force, he was home, a place he had believed to be lost to him.

And once more he was back in the healing halls, though he didn’t recall them being so bright.

“Master?” Obi-Wan said, squinting through his eyes. “Can you turn off the light?”

Qui-Gon packed away his datapad carefully by throwing it on the table next to him.

“Obi-Wan!” He exclaimed. The worry in his voice honestly took Obi-Wan aback. He hadn’t expected his Master to care so much. “How do you feel?”

“Tired,” Obi-Wan replied honestly. “But if you tell me to go back to sleep one more time-“ Obi-Wan paused, fading memories echoing in his mind, “-or attempt to put me under with a Force-suggestion, I will protest.”

Qui-Gon smiled fondly at Obi-Wan, making him feel much more like a youngling than an adult. Obi-Wan wasn’t old by anyone’s standards except that of the children in the temple – and even that varied. There were many Jedi whose lifespans were much longer than Obi-Wan’s would be.

“I will not try so, Padawan.”

“Thank you,” Obi-Wan said. “Lights?”

A dark expression flashed over Qui-Gon’s face, the like of which Obi-Wan had never seen before so that he even considered whether it wasn’t just a trick of the light. Qui-Gon stood up and disappeared out of his field of vision, soon after the lights dimmed to a more bearable level.

“What happened?” Obi-Wan asked when Qui-Gon sat down again. “Did we fulfill the mission?”

Qui-Gon hesitated. That was the first sign something was wrong.

He was a Master of the Living Force, always moving like the currents of a river, never still, never hasting beyond the passage of time. His strange behavior was starting to worry Obi-Wan.

“I found you and the princess and brought you back both back. She has been safely returned into the arms of her family and the negotiations picked up again, even if it was all under less favorable circumstances.”

That explained absolutely nothing. Jedi prided themselves on their eloquence, as much as they were allowed to be prideful. While they all jested about Master Yoda’s utter crypticness, they couldn’t deny that saying a lot and not much at all at the same time a necessary skill. Qui-Gon talked in riddles often enough, but never when it came to matters of such importance. Obi-Wan was not a foreign diplomat who needed to be appeased with Jedi wisdom, he was a Padawan who wanted to know whether his charge was alright.

“Was she harmed?”

Qui-Gon shook his head. “No, not as such. But your return did finally enlighten us on her family’s superior standing. The other Ancient Houses have been fighting about her gift and whom it should be used on, which was also the reason she had been kidnapped in the first place. They were displeased she used it on you.”

“I don’t recall,” Obi-Wan admitted. “I was very dazed and so sure I was going to die.”

“You did.”

Qui-Gon’s words weighed heavily in the room, seemingly dragging gravity down on Obi-Wan’s body, pressing the air out of his lungs.

“What?”

Obi-Wan tried to push against the force chaining him to his bed to sit up. He couldn’t hold such a conversation while lying down. Seeing his attempt, Qui-Gon quickly set to support Obi-Wan’s back, helping him up.

“But I’m not dead,” Obi-Wan said. He could feel his heartbeat, his thoughts was whirling and the Force kept humming at the back of his mind, a kind lullaby he didn’t know how to characterize.

“Not anymore, no, but trust me when I say that I felt our bond snap. It was a painful experience, Padawan. Worse than anything words could describe.”

Qui-Gon used the moment to gently tug and Obi-Wan’s messy braid. Nobody seemed to have cared for it while he was unconscious. Obi-Wan had always seen to ensuring that he looked presentable. His displeasure with its state must have shown as Qui-Gon smiled at him in amusement and something deeper Obi-Wan couldn’t decipher. It appeared to him to be relief.

“The princess,” Qui-Gon continued, “has the extraordinary ability to create one person who is like herself and she used it to save you. Her gift has been passed down in the Royal House for generations and they were quite eager to claim you as one of their own in the aftermath, but she stood up to them, saying that she didn’t give you a choice.”

All that was nice and everything, but it didn’t explain anything to Obi-Wan.

“Master, I still don’t understand. What did she do?”

“She gave you life,” Qui-Gon finally answered, the exhaustion of the past days catching up to him as well. “Eternal youth and protection against almost everything. It is not reversible. I’m sorry I could not prevent this fate.”

Eternal youth.

The words rang in Obi-Wan’s mind as if it were from a language he had never heard, couldn’t speak or write.

“But what does it mean?”

Obi-Wan hated being ignorant, being left out. This information was crucial and he just wanted to understand.

“I don’t know yet, Padawan,” Qui-Gon said. “But we will find out together. The Royal Family hasn’t been too forthcoming with their information before we returned to the temple, but I believe we can figure it out on our own. I already know you’re more sensitive to light.”

“I’m not sensitive,” Obi-Wan muttered. “It’s just bright in here.”

Qui-Gon leveled him with a dry look. “I have turned off the light entirely, Padawan, and you can still see as clear as day.”

Okay, maybe Qui-Gon had been right with his first assumption.

“I’ll have to learn how to adjust to these changes then,” Obi-Wan concluded.

The thought irked him. He had thought that he was finally making enough progress to start becoming more independent. He knew of his friends that their Masters had already begun considering them for Knighthood. Obi-Wan wasn’t jealous of them, he had been the first to tease Quinlan when the Kiffar Padawan had admitted what his Master had confessed, but his doubts had risen once more. He didn’t want to be left behind. Adjusting to whatever gift the princess had bestowed upon him would be another setback.

No, he couldn’t think like that. He had to take it as a challenge. Jedi didn’t focus on what blocked their way, they thought of solutions.

“When can I get out of the healing halls?”

“As soon as we’ve figured out what blood to feed to you.”

Obi-Wan stared at his Master with a deadpan expression, expecting him to be joking, but the man looked serious.

“Blood?”

“Blood?” Qui-Gon repeated. “It’s apparently one of your dietary requirements now.”

The world started to spin again and Obi-Wan dropped back into his bed. Maybe he should sleep some more before getting confronted with facts that made him nauseous.

[dontcallmecarrie]

Standing On the Edge

stress writer + extreme stress + writer’s block for the stuff I actually want to write = me realizing I made a mistake, when trying to think of the absolute worst day Ben Organa Solo could have.

Well, sort of. Here, have a shatterpoint, it’s been a while. Under the cut, because RIP mobile users otherwise.

Ben Organa Solo had Seen Things. Had seen a lot of things, had been running from his demons for the better part of his life, had gotten into bar fights on Canto Bight and shot at pirates in hyperspace and yelled at Force ghosts on Korriban and Malachor, had helped take down the kriffin’ First Order. By all rights, nothing should be able to surprise him by now.

Yet— 

This was a new one.

He swallowed hoarsely as he looked around and faces he’d only ever seen in his dreams, and bit back the urge to punch the wall, scream, anything.

Oh, come on.

Ben had long since been made aware of whose armor he’d apparently found, oh so long ago [it’d saddled him with that stupid, ridiculous name, how could he not?] but...

Well, he had already known the galaxy was still recovering from the fall of the Jedi. But it was one thing to be academically aware of something, and another to have said knowledge be forced in your face via the lightsaber he’d hastily had to deflect because— 

Purple lightsaber clashed against purple, and Ben took a nanosecond to process his shock before he ripped off his mask with his other hand before things could escalate even more because this was a nightmare and the absolute worst way he could think of meeting his heroes [the only heroes who had never disappointed him].

“Hey, hey, I know this looks bad but I’m not him!”

His Force presence was a roiling stormcloud, he had a purple lightsaber and the armor of the Revanchist on some godforsaken battlefield and Sithspit he had not thought this through. 

The only way things could be worse would be if—

A faint hum was the only warning Ben had before he ducked under the other lightsaber as he put his mask back. The other, annoyingly familiar blue lightsaber and kriff that was Skywalker.

...Ben could not kill him. No, he couldn’t kill the man who’d featured in the worst of his childhood nightmares, even if he wanted to deny any connection to the bastard he still wanted to be born and he must be really, really feeling like a Sith in the Force right now if the way they were eyeing him was any clue.

Do not screw with the space-time continuum, do not, do not— 

So of course that’s when a platoon of droids find them. 

Of kriffing course. 

.

Jedi General Mace Windu was very, very alarmed to see the newcomer, and it was only partly because of who he resembled.

Nor was it the way the stranger’s Force presence had darkened even more at the sight of Skywalker, or the color of his lightsaber. 

No, Mace Windu’s main concern was the ease with which he had turned to face the droids— his blood ran cold when he saw the figure outstretch a hand, and decimated them with an ease that spoke of years of practice and control. 

He recognized it immediately, of course. [How could he not, when he himself had been the only one of his generation to have possessed said ability as well?]

Shatterpoint.

.

Ben kept his shoulders squared and lightsaber at the ready, even as he lowered his hand. He did not like the way the Jedi were looking at him— Mace Windu[!!!] had ill-disguised shock in his eyes, while Skywalker had stiffened after the first of the clankers had started falling [the hypocrite]. In the distance, he could hear clone troopers approaching and registering the disturbance as well— they’d probably arrive in a few minutes.

So much for subtlety.

Rey was never going to let him hear the end of it. Ben could almost hear Finn’s laughter, too, and the pang of homesickness came on the heels of the realization of how strained their bond felt, stretched between time and space as it was. 

[He just wanted to go home.]

“Who are you?” Skywalker asked in suspicion, and Ben tamped down on what irritation he hadn’t managed to channel into his attack.

No need to escalate this, these were allies. 

He turned to address Mace Windu, out of spite. “General Mace Windu. May I trouble you in asking what the date is? I do believe I’m a bit lost.”

.

aka the one where Ben crash-lands the Clone Wars. Cue internal screaming.

On the plus side, his childhood dreams [and nightmares], plus his being a history buff, mean that he’s very much on the ball as far as politicking and tactics go. Plus whenever Anakin’s not in the picture, Ben is highkey fanboying over everything and everyone he meets [Mace Windu! The 187th! Obi-Wan Kenobi! The 212st! Plo Koon! The Wolfpack! Bail Organa! Mon Mothma!] because these were his childhood heroes, the people whose deeds and morals he aspired to emulate when he was at his lowest points. He’s seeing and interacting with people he’d only ever seen in his dreams, and for the first time in his life, he meets his heroes and they don’t end up disappointing him even once.

...whenever he’s not scaring the crap out of them, anyway, because he refuses to remove his mask in case anyone spots the resemblance between him and Anakin. Which, combined with the armor he’s also not inclined to take off anytime soon [dude crash-landed in the middle of a war zone, what do you expect?], and you get a lot of heart attacks whenever he meets someone new. 

A lot of ‘oh shit that’s Darth Revan!’ moments, with the Jedi, and multiple kidnapping attempts from the Separatists because of that very same reason. Because Ben refuses to set foot on Coruscant as long as the Supreme Chancellor’s on it, and Palpatine is very...intrigued by these reports. 

Unfortunately for him, Ben takes one look at what’s going on, and goes “okay you know what? I didn’t want to make waves but clearly this is an alternate timeline so screw it, let’s see how much I can fix”.

If this universe doesn’t get a Ben, well at least they’re still going to be minus an Empire, so he’ll take it. 

Even if the Jedi are slightly horrified by how chill he is about the prospect, because what the hell. Made even worse as the story continues tumbling out, about Order 66 [by the way, turns out that Shatterpoint + chips = one less risk in a pinch] and Operation Knightfall and everything else that went down— and that Ben saw it in his childhood. 

The pièce de résistance, however, is the ‘my grandfather was a Sith Lord’ thing, hands down. [Geez. No wonder the guy’s Force presence was as solidly grey as it was.]

Ben doesn’t name names or remove his mask, but he doesn’t need to.

Not when everyone can feel just how little he likes Anakin Skywalker, whenever they’re in the same room.

Even if he hasn’t done it yet [ever, in this timeline], Ben will never forgive him for it. For becoming Darth Vader, for being the Emperor’s attack dog and casting a shadow so dark, Ben couldn’t fully escape it even after a lifetime of running. 

Which is a tragedy, actually, because if Anakin had been any other person, they would’ve gotten along very well. 

They have a similar protectiveness for their loved ones [the sacrifice Ben made to keep Finn and Rey safe would’ve spoken for itself], and similar experiences as Padawans [both experienced jealousy and fear because of their power]. Ben inherited Anakin's and Han Solo’s piloting skills, and Ben’s drive for justice runs in the family too. 

But because Anakin Fell in Ben’s timeline, because he featured in so many of his nightmares, was the reason Ben had struggled so hard to define himself, he just— can’t. Can’t help but raise his guard, whenever he sees Anakin. Can’t help but stiffen, can't keep his Force presence from darkening slightly. 

It’s painful to watch, even for the most distant of outsiders [...who are allies, anyway. Ventress just sits back and has popcorn, whenever they’re out in the field]. 

Especially because the more time passes, the more Ben lowers his guard around everyone else. He shows an excellent head for tactics in his talks with Obi-Wan and Yularen and the various politicians that crop up, banters with Ahsoka and the clones, and is...not exactly subtle with the way he fanboys over everyone. 

It’s...kinda adorable, actually. Ben tries to acts all professional and aloof and gruff, but then he’ll slip and geek out at the prospect of sparring with a Jedi, or he focuses so much on trying to impress Bail Organa that he completely misses the look in the man’s eyes when Ben offhandedly mentions his own efforts against the First Order.

The more time passes, the better read everyone has on the situation. 

And then Finn and Rey show up [”dammit Ben next time we’re the ones scouting the creepy Force cave”], and even more pieces of the puzzle come to light.

Finn and Rey, who are brilliant where Ben was a stormcloud. 

Finn and Rey, who openly, shamelessly give their own perspective on things too, and help fill in the parts that Ben left out.

By the time the trio leave, it’s with the hope of a brighter future, and the knowledge that that galaxy is in good hands.