#they keep scheduling me 6+ days in a row so it starts to feel like that is quite literally all I do

[yuribalisms]

I am so…. Fucking sick of this job

[twstfanblog]

*~Period Drama~* Saturday

A/N: So I sneezed, which is why this is out before the RSA series chapter lol. But I'm gonna have a lot of fun with this series I can feel it. Word Count: 4.7K (Wow, around the same as the last part) Warnings: Period mentions, Blood mentions (Drawing blood) She/They OC Pronouns Pairings: Azul/Reader (Poly), Jamil/Reader (Poly), Platonic relationships with Floyd, Jade, Ortho, and Crewel. Enjoy! Start, Part 2 (Here), Part 3 (Heartslabyul), Part 4 (Savanaclaw), Part 4.5 (Diasomnia pt.1), Part 5 (Diasomnia pt.2), Part 6 (Pomefiore)

Jamil, Azul, Jade, Floyd, Grim, Ace, and Deuce stood outside of ramshackle, some of them sitting on the wooden steps. Waiting as patiently as they could for Crewel to give them a final order. No more than twenty minutes had passed before Crewel opened the front door. He looked their group over, coming to some sort of choice before he smacked the palm of his hand with his crop, “Octavinelle pups, you stay. The rest of you go on with your day.” “Wait, what!?”

“Sensei!”

“Why does he-”

Crewel smacks his palm again. The crack somehow perfectly balanced with the harsh shush he gives them, quieting the protesting group instantly. His glare softens at seeing their crestfallen faces, “Yuu will be in contact. I need to gather up the needed potions and resource materials. But for now, They’re resting and it would be best to have someone in the house with them. Both to get them whatever they need and to keep unwanteds out. Ergo, the Octavinelle mutts.”

Jamil frowns but doesn’t speak up. He knew that he would probably have damage control to do in Scarabia. Najma most likely called Kalim in confusion from his call, not entertaining the thought of actually waiting on him to explain his bizarre question. Kalim would have only half the story and no context which was worrying enough, so he was clearly panicking and amassing the other Scarabia students for a witch hunt. He should stop at Scarbia before going back to basketball practice…

Deuce steps forward, imaginary puppy ears drooping as he mutters out, “Is Yuu at least okay? I didn’t see much, but it looked like a lot of blood…”

Sighing, Crewel walked down the stairs, gently patting Deuce on the head as he passed, “They’re fine, pup. I’m going to gather the Shroud boy and then prepare a proper medical report. As far as we should be concerned, this is completely natural for Yuu, if a bit painful.” He reached into his coat, pulled out his pipe kit and started to fill it as he walked away, “But for now, Azul, Floyd, and Jade are to look after them until I come back. You other pups are to return to your scheduled activities and tell no one about this.”

Ace looked to the side nervously, thankfully unseen by anyone before he nodded and started to make his way down the path behind Crewel. Deuce sighs but nods, calmed by the info that Yuu was okay at least. He jogs down the path after Ace, none of them are really surprised when muffled yelling could be heard a little down the way.

Azul looked out of the corner of his eye, catching Jamil giving him an intense glare. He knew Jamil was upset at the turn of events, the very fact Azul was picked over him would be enough to anger the Scarabian student. Let alone being picked by their lover’s pseudo-father figure as their keeper. He turns entirely to him, smiling and opening his mouth to pacify his lover-in-law before Jamil interrupts him.

Jamil turned his back on Azul, walking down the path to get back to campus. He quickly scooped Grim into his arms, ignoring the monster hissing and fighting his grip, “Just make sure they eat something high in iron.” That was all he said before he was also gone from view, walking past the row of trees acting as a fence of the property.

Silence passes the three students before Azul squeals, smiling wide and pumping his fist, “YES! He trusts me! You both saw that! He gave me his faith that I would tend to our lover. It’s only a matter of time before I can talk him into transferring!”

Floyd rolls his eyes, walking back into the house with a snickering Jade behind him, “Either you take care of my Shrimpy or they’ll kill you themselves…” he mutters under his breath, pout turning into a frown as the scent of blood hits him harder inside.

Jade’s own mirth decreases at the smell. He hums looking around the dorm. Yuu wouldn’t want the windows open, not to mention the smell would simply travel over the campus. The last thing they needed was Malleus smelling Yuu’s blood in the air. Seven could only think of the disaster that would bring. He looks up the stairs, only half listening as Azul enters the dorm to bicker with Floyd.

“-fact you would insinuate I wouldn’t take care of my pearl is insult enough, Floyd.”

“Ehe~? I just said Shrimpy wouldn’t let you slide with shitty service. You scared of a little blood Azul~?”

“I will dock your pay-”

“I’ll go sit with Yuu, keep them company.” Jade smiled over his shoulder, already walking up the stairs. He pauses halfway up the stairs, tilting his head at their stares, “Unless I’m allowed free range of their meal?”

Floyd instantly perked up, rushing to the kitchen whining with a glare at his brother, “No way! You’ll make some weird mushroom thing that’ll make Shrimpy even sicker!”

Azul stays for only a moment before he follows Floyd, giving Jade one last look, “Do make sure my pearl is in good condition. If you can wake them up, ask if they would like a bath.”

“Will do.” 

Jade parts with Azul, walking onto the second floor and toward Yuu’s room. He rested his hand on the doorknob and breathed in deep. Yuu’s blood was interesting, he’s always found it to be since he first smelled that foreign flora that no one could place. But that didn’t mean he wanted to smell it so strongly. He took in another deep breath in hope if he smelled it thoroughly enough the tightness of worry would loosen in his chest. Once calm he creaked the door open, knocking on it gently as he peaked his head in, “Yuu, I’m coming in.”

A simple groan answers him. That was acceptance of entry enough for him. He closes the door behind him and walks to sit in the armchair, moving it just a foot or so closer to the bed. Yuu had rotated since he last saw them. Now lying on their front with the blanket uncovered to their calves, arms wrapped around a pillow and eyes closed. If it wasn’t for the brief moments of their eyebrows creasing in pain, Jade would think they were perfectly fine.

A few minutes pass before Yuu opens their eyes, vision slightly hazy from pain, “Hi.”

“Hi.” Jade smiles, leaning forward to poke their cheek in greeting, “I’m guessing whatever is going on is quite painful?”

“Very much, yes.” They groan, snuggling into their pillow, “Periods are a bitch.”

“Azul said something about that. ‘Period’. That’s what it’s called?” When Yuu confirms, he leans back into the chair, humming under his breath. Now that things had calmed down, Jade couldn't help but call the whole scenario interesting. Finding differences in biology was always a fascinating venture, “Tell me about it.”

“Are you sure? It’s kinda gross and like…as you saw, pretty bloody.”

Jade chuckles, raising a hand to cover his mouth coyly, “I already said I want to know! Please don’t tease me in such a way!” He preens, feeling a small wave of pride at hearing Yuu laugh.

“You’re so weird…Alright.” Yuu angled herself to look over to Jade, raising an eyebrow, “What do you wanna know?”

“Is the bleeding just the first step of it? Do you gain internal injuries to produce the blood? Is the pain a result of-”

“I’m gonna just…stop you right there…” Yuu took a moment, trying to not laugh again, not wanting to change their towels yet, “So…Periods are weird because I feel like I'm injured but it’s all natural because of hormones are whatever.”

“Your hormones make your internal organs stimulate injuring themselves?” he takes a moment to look around the room. Standing up to grab a notepad and pencil from Yuu’s desk before returning to the armchair, "We have basic health classes in middle school. But I've never heard of hormones causing internal bleeding."

“Eh…more like the hormones jumpstart a refreshing process? Not so much internal bleeding.” 

Jade smiled wide, his pencil poised to write down every word they said, "Do tell.”

Azul texted Crewel to bring an iron supplement potion along with the pain potions. Yuu didn’t have any food besides snacks and her childish cereals, how Floyd managed to find enough items for a seafood alfredo was nothing short of a miracle by Azul’s standards. Sure it wasn’t high in iron like Yuu needed, but it would be warm and something for her to eat.

They were still worried. How could they not be? Their dear friend was a floor above them basically bleeding out from an intimate area that shouldn’t be bleeding. Crewel’s behavior had calmed most of their nerves, Yuu strangely wouldn’t lie to Crewel nearly as much as she would any other teacher. And Crewel wouldn’t be half as calm if something had actually happened. But as Floyd had said to him, ‘It still felt gross’. All of them forced to twiddle their thumbs and wait for Crewel or Yuu to give them all the facts instead of just dismissing their horrific theories.

Floyd scooped the pasta dish into a bowl, as Yuu preferred it, shoving a fork in it and walked past Azul. He didn’t bother to listen to Azul tell him to stop and wait for Yuu to get up from her nap or call for them. He didn’t want to. The only reason he cooked instead of Jade was because his brother couldn’t be trusted in a kitchen alone without shoving mushrooms into something. At least not while Azul was as distracted as he was. But he was just as worried as the others, Yuu was his Shrimpy. He’d share with his brother and Azul. But as far as he was concerned he was doing just that, sharing. Shrimpy was his to look after for as long as she hung around him. And he was already in a bad mood from earlier thinking he had failed her.

“Floyd, Yuu might still be sleeping, we shouldn’t bother them.” Azul scolded him, trying to keep his voice down while making sure it carried a harshness.

“Don’t care. I wanna check on Shrimpy…”

Azul kept quiet before he sighed. He pulled out his handkerchief, if Yuu was still sleeping he could cover the bowl so they could eat later. It would be lukewarm at best, but it’d be clean and ready for Yuu when they woke up, “Fine. Let’s go check on them…”

Floyd didn’t bother to knock, opening the door one-handed and ignoring Azul’s groan behind him, “Shrimpy~, you awake?”

Yuu rolled over, smiling with an edge of weariness, and waved, “Hi Floyd~.”

“Shrimpy!” Floyd nearly dropped the bowl onto the bed sheets, moving to hug and squeeze his best friend. The scent of blood was still strong but just knowing that his friend was okay was enough to keep him in a positive mood. Pulling away, he passes the bowl properly to them, “You doing alright?”

Yuu smiles as Azul moves quickly to place his handkerchief onto her lap, a small comment on the bowl being hot. She kept eye contact with the cecaelian until Azul turned away with a blush. But, she does place the bowl on her lower stomach, the heat helping more than the boys knew, “Thank you for the food. And no, I’m in pain.”

Floyd’s relaxed expression instantly changes, dropping into a frown and downward brows, “Why? What happened to make you bleed like this Shrimpy? If we were in the ocean you’d be a chum magnet…”

Jade looked up from his notes, “Muscle tension.”

“Huh?” Both Azul and Floyd turned to him in confusion.

Jade taps at the notepad, showing the lines of neat handwriting with various questions sprinkled around it, “Yuu’s body is physically pushing the blood out by contracting their pelvic muscles. The involuntary spasms are causing some intense muscle cramps.”

Azul frowns, his hand moving to press on their stomach, almost trying to feel the sensation, “When will it stop? Losing this much blood can’t be good for you…”

Jade looked over his notes, sighing at his findings, “Yuu says this lasts four days normally for them.”

“Four days?” Both Azul and Floyd exclaimed, worry evident in their voices.

Yuu smiled, leaning against their pillows, “Seven is the standard.”

Azul whips his head back to Yuu, eyes wide and glasses nearly falling off his face, “Seven!?”

“How do you stop it?” Floyd looked the most distressed out of all of them, simply looking at Yuu’s lap with poorly veiled concern.

“Oh, Azul, you’ll love this.” Jade beamed, eyes reading over his writing, “This is apparently happening because Yuu didn’t get pregnant.”

…

Floyd turned to look at Azul, voice deadpan, “Azul, hurry up and knock Shrimpy up so we don’t have to deal with this.”

The scandalized look on Azul’s face makes Yuu burst into laughter, blood be damned. The cecaelian stuttered out a rambled form of scolding and excuses on how he couldn't 'Knock Them Up' and how it was no one’s business what he and his lover did in the bedroom. He only grew more flustered seeing the smiles on the twins' faces, knowing they were internally mocking him and his distressed state.

He snaps his fingers, a golden contract appearing beside him. Gripping it fiercely, he points to the four names signed at the bottom, "In any case! Per our official ‘Quad Agreement’, only Draconia is allowed to impregnate Yuu and that's not even in effect until they’ve both graduated!" With another snap, the scroll was gone, leaving Azul huffing and crossing his arms.

Yuu quiets their laughter, reaching out a hand to hold Azul’s, " Aw~. Are you mad you can't give me an octo baby?"

"I'm mad because you're in pain and the one way to stop this is something we can't do for years!" Azul does loosen his arms, both hands coming to cradle their outstretched one, "You've been acting odd all week before this whole bleeding mess even started. We were worried…"

Floyd pouts, resting his head on Yuu's shoulder, uncaring of how far he had to bend, "You punched me for trying to give you a piggyback ride, Shrimpy. Really hurt my feelings."

"You had seemed quite lethargic the past few days." Jade gave a worried smile, tone clear in just how concerned the past events had made him.

Yuu looked at all of them in shock, looking at the slowly cooling bowl of pasta before they covered their mouth. The room was silent until Yuu closed their eyes and tried to fight back the whimper threatening to leave their throat.

"...Yuu-"

"You guys care so much about me…so much…" Yuu lets go of the bowl, both hands fanning at their face as their eyes well up with tears, "And I've been such a bitch to you." Their voice cracked and slid into a high-pitched wail as the tears started to fall.

Jade’s eyes widened, his mouth opening in a silent gasp as he quickly shared a panicked look with Azul, " O-oh, oh no."

The cecaelian babbled, stuttering under his breath and hovering his hands over Yuu’s body. He wasn’t sure if Yuu wanted to be physically comforted, or even touched, “Yuu? What’s wrong, are you in more pain? Do you need me to call Crewel!?”

Floyd hesitantly pats at Yuu’s head, not wanting a repeat of being sucker punched in the face the last time he touched an upset Yuu, “There, there Shrimpy. Just eat your food…”

Still crying, taking shaky breaths while gathering a collection of noodles and seafood on their fork, “You guys are so nice to me. And I’m a bad friend…”

Jade was subtly leaning away, pressing his back deeper into the chair as he eyed Yuu with mild suspension, “No…You’re a perfectly good friend to us, Yuu.” Hormonal changes would explain Floyd’s notice of Yuu’s scent being 'off'. He assumed the different levels had only affected their body as they had stated. But it seemed their emotions were also being affected. A moody Floyd is something he grew up with, he knew every tell Floyd could give. A hormonally moody Yuu was new and dangerous territory as far as Jade was concerned.

Even with their reassurance, Yuu’s tears wouldn’t stop. The three males grew more uneasy, simply watching their friend bleed on her bed and eat lukewarm pasta while she softly cried. They shared a look between the three of them before Azul stepped forward, a nervous smile on his face while he gently caressed her hair.

“It’s…it’s ok my pearl.”

Yuu looked up, sniffling pitifully before pressing her head into his hand, “I’m sorry I’m so mean to you…”

Azul chuckles, pressing a kiss to their cheek before pulling away, “It’s ok. I will admit, I do like when you’re a bitch.”

The sweet air was gone in a second. Yuu’s crying stopping as though a switch was flipped. They glared up at Azul, “Did you just call me a bitch!?”

“...” Azul looked to the side then back to her, pulling his hand back, “I-”

“So you think I’m a bitch!?”

“No?” The confusion in his voice was clear. He looked at the twins who were just as puzzled, the two eel-mers quickly shrugging at his silent question as to what he did. 

They also had no clue how to proceed. Yuu would normally either let them in on, or at least make their goal clear when they toyed with Azul. But this sort of rapid-fire mood change was not in their MO. It was even more so than Floyd could keep up with.

Yuu turned back to their pasta, tears coming back full force as their anger disappeared, “You’re lying to me…”

“...Would you feel better if I thought you were a bitch?”

“What is that supposed to mean!?”

Hours later, Floyd opened the door, disheveled and pouting at Crewel and Ortho, “Knifejaw…Hurry up and fix Shrimpy. They’re really mean like this and I’m sick of it.”

Crewel raised an eyebrow, walking into the dorm and waving a hand to send Ortho up before him, “Are they? More so than normal?” He said it with a jovial air, teasing his student since his own moods were the things of nightmares.

“Yes. If I felt like it, I would beg. I can’t handle them like this…”

“...”

Well, that was concerning… Floyd followed Crewel back up the stairs. Opening Yuu’s bedroom he realized that Floyd wasn’t kidding. Next to a standing Ortho Yuu sat on the bed, now cocooned in one of their blankets in Azul’s lap. Tear tracks on their cheeks and angrily sniffling between hand-fed forkfuls of pasta. Azul was sweating, oozing a nervous energy as though he were defusing a bomb and not feeding his lover. Jade sat in the far corner, chair pressed against the wall as far back as it could be and furiously writing notes.

Ortho beeped, eyes showing he was smiling under his mask, “Body scan complete! No external injuries are to be found!” He leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Yuu and resting his head on them, “I’m so glad you’re ok, Prefect Yuu!”

Floyd huffs from the doorway, glaring at the display, “Oh, he can hug you but I get punched if I try?”

Yuu glares, eyes just peaking through Ortho’s flaming hair, “I could never hit Ortho, he’s baby.”

“Prefect Yuu is right, I am baby.” the smug tone was just barely heard through Ortho’s normal frequency of cheer. Looking up his bright yellow eyes meet Yuu’s, “Oh! Just so you know, Ace told the rest of us what was going on in our group chat. Though Crewel-Sensei told me that no one was supposed to know. In his defense though, the timestamps show Ace gave the information before Crewel-Sensei gave the order to not tell anyone.” 

Yuu looks over to their phone on the nightstand, groaning at the wall of texts they’re sure is waiting for them, “God damn it.”

Sighing, Crewel waved his hand, “This is very cute, but Ortho you’re here for medical purposes. Let’s not get distracted.”

“Right!” Ortho stands up straight, holding out a hand as his other arm morphs to produce a syringe. “Prefect Yuu, may I have your arm to take a blood sample?”

Even though it looked like that was the last thing Yuu wanted to do, they managed to remove their arm from the blanket cocoon to place in Ortho’s waiting hand. Looking away while Ortho set to work finding a vein.

Crewel walked to the bed, grabbing a potion from his coat and uncorking it in one fluid movement, “How are you feeling, pup?”

“Like I’m in pain. The same as two hours ago. What kind of fucking question-” A fork full of pasta and sauce was shoved into their mouth, cutting them off from cussing out their teacher/father. Azul smiled timidly when Yuu’s glare snapped to him. Muttering through their food as they chewed, “Don’t you ever fucking try to silence me with pasta, again.”

Waiting until Yuu had swallowed and taken a breath, Crewel shoved the opening of the potion bottle to Yuu’s mouth and forcibly made them drink it, taking care to not justle their arm while Ortho drew blood. He adored his pup. But he was not going to sit idle and let them bark at him like they had the right, “That’s nice sweetie. Take your medicine, you’ll feel better.”

He only let up once the flask was empty, pulling away and placing the glass back into his coat. Yuu’s glare slowly softens, tense body finally relaxing in Azul’s nervous hold. They sigh, dropping their head into the crook of Azul’s neck, nosing into the flushed skin before pulling away to rest their cheek on his shoulder, “Sorry…about threatening your life and stuff. Forgot how bad cramps were…”

Azul, slowly wrapped his arms around them, nuzzling into their hair, “It’s…ok? So long as you’re feeling better now. Were you truly in that much pain?”

Floyd hums from the doorway, folding his arms, “I guess I can give you a pass then. I don’t like being in pain either, it’d make me just as crabby as you’ve been…”

Jade nodded from his corner, but made no move to come closer, “And it’s been nearly 6 hours since the supposed start of all of this. Does the pain really last the whole cycle?”

Yuu nods, “Yeah…I normally take pain meds when I realize it’s started so I don’t feel the worst of it. I take another dose either daily or just when I feel the first dose wearing off. But I didn’t have any potions in the house so I was gonna nap it off until Sam got my order.”

“All done!” Ortho spoke up, the vial of blood being placed in a secondary pouch for safety. Morphing his hand back, he placed his hands on Yuu’s lower stomach, tingles of something pulsing from Ortho’s fingers as he performed another scan, “In the most scientific phrasing you can, tell me what’s going on so I can add it to your file.”

Without missing a beat, Yuu answered, “My vagina is internally peeling and the liquidated lining is being pushed out.”

…

Ortho closed his eyes and stood up straight, arms resting at his sides. Turning around he walked out of the room, brushing past Floyd and closing the door behind him.

“...” Azul looked at Yuu, the horror from earlier that day returning to his face full force, “Your what is what now!?”

The sound of Jade’s pencil scratching at the notepad starts up again, muttering under his breath about needing more paper. Rushing to the desk and flipping through notebooks for a clean page.

Floyd simply looked sick by the door, the visual refusing to leave his mind.

“You know…” Crewel chuckled under his breath, more annoyed than mirthful, “That would have been a wonderful nugget of knowledge to have two hours ago.”

“I would have loved to not be in pain for half the day, but we don’t all get the raisin butter, do we?”

“Yuu.”

“It is really that different here?”

“Does blood come gushing out of female anatomy for a week? No, no it doesn’t. Yes, it’s different, puppy.”

Yuu sat quietly, looking down before raising their gaze back to Crewel, “I should probably learn more about the biology of this place…”

Crewel shook his head, annoyance clear in his expression while he pulled out folders from his bag, “Yeah you really should.” muttering under his breath about a ‘Dumb adorable dog’ as he slapped the papers on the bedspread, “So to start, there is a similar process-”

Floyd, opens the door, “Yeah, I’m leaving I’m bored and kinda freaked out.”

“Bye, Floyd! Sorry for punching you again.”

“Bye, Shrimpy~! Don’t bleed out!” He slammed the door behind him.

Jade sighed, standing from the armchair, “I should make sure he’s not doing anything too destructive. Best of luck to yourself, Yuu.”

Yuu waves to him while he leaves the room. They look to Azul, raising an eyebrow in question, “You wanna leave too?”

Azul mused for a moment. Female health classes weren’t something he was required to know, nor wanted to know. Anatomy in the Coral Sea was extensive enough, adding on surface world versions couldn’t be too different in hindsight. He might need the info later on in his life, maybe for a deal. Maybe to use it for a creative writing class, would Yuu find it distasteful if he wrote about their period in a horror setting?

“Azul?”

“I’ll stay.”

“Fine.” Crewel smacked his crop in his hand, twirling it to make the papers float and act as a PowerPoint, “Since you scared away the Shroud boy, I’ll have to do it this way.” Pointing toward a digraph of a uterus he spoke, “Luckily enough everything seems to be the same hardware-wise if your previous medical scans are anything to go by. Though, because you don’t have magic in your world, your bodies evolved a more… physical process.”

“Are you seriously telling me you bitches don’t get periods because you have magic?”

Azul slowly lifted a forkful of food to Yuu’s mouth, shakingly offering it like a sacrifice. He found that food was an easy way to calm their seemingly blind rage. He’d have to ask Jade for his notes later since he was too busy trying to keep Yuu and Floyd from fighting each other. He softly breathes a sigh of relief when Yuu lets him stuff the food into their mouth.

Crewel watched the exchange silently before continuing, “Yes…The process here is done normally after a day at most. The body’s natural magic will flare up and revitalize the uterus lining instead of…removing it.” He waved his crop, a photo of a body and various systems replacing the first example, “As I’ve told you before, everyone in Twisted Wonderland has magic naturally in their body’s cells simply from the magical byproduct of our world. So even if someone can not do magic, their body can still store magic to perform such cycles. It’s why scarring is so rare. Seeing how with modern medicine and the body’s cell restorative magic, healing has reached an almost perfect standard.”

Yuu was quiet, looking over the visual examples as Crewel continued his impromptu lecture. Leaning forward, they sighed out for so long it had morphed into a cry. They simply pushed away from Azul, ignoring him when he tried to comfort them. Turning away, they landed face first into the mattress and cried into their pillow. Through their sobs, muffled by the cushion they yelled, “This fucking sucks! I can’t even bitch with anyone else about how much this hurts!”

Azul looked at them in worry, barely noticing the red smears on his pants, “My pearl? Do you want pasta? Pasta makes it better right?”

“Azul, I’m getting real tired of you trying to feed me. I’m not a fucking wild horse you can soothe with delightful seafood pasta!”

…

Crewel raised an eyebrow, gesturing to the offered bowl in Azul’s shaking hands, “So do you not want the pasta-”

“Yes, I want the fucking pasta!”

[mimisempai]

You're the only light in my blurry world 2/10

Chapter summary

Crowley, feeling guilty,  is now the one staring at Aziraphale.

Aziraphale panics at the thought of a two-day camp with the art class.

Maggie and Muriel play matchmaker.

Chap 1 - Chap 2 - Chap 3 - Chap 4 - Chap 5 - Chap 6 - Chap 7 - Chap 8

"For those who were here at the beginning of the year, we had discussed the possibility of a weekend camp to get to know each other and work on the year-end project. It's not mandatory, of course, but here are the registration forms. Those who wish to participate must return the completed form to me next week."

"Are you coming?" Muriel asked, turning to Crowley and handing him a sheet of paper.

Crowley looked at the dates on the form and remarked, "I see, it's in less than a month."

Eric leaned over his shoulder and added, "You shouldn't hesitate. Muriel and I are going."

Crowley retorted cheekily, "And that's a reason for me to come?"

Muriel chuckled as Eric looked offended.

Crowley continued, "It's the weekend and I often have Saturday lectures at the planetarium." He pulled out his phone and checked his schedule.

"Well?"

"It's okay, it's a free weekend. I'll come."

Eric patted him on the back and exclaimed, "Great!"

As everyone took their places behind their easels, Crowley couldn't help but glance back at Aziraphale. The man had his head down, not looking at him.  Maybe, after Crowley had talked to him, he'd finally understood.

It was for the best.

Suddenly, as he turned, Eric was leaning toward him, whispering, "Crowley, do you have a grudge against Aziraphale?"

Muriel turned and punched gently Eric, admonishing him, "Idiot, keep your voice down, he's only two rows behind us!"

Crowley simply replied, "No. I don't."

"But..."

"Eric, leave Crowley alone, you can see he's really nice. He's not the type to hate someone for no reason, is he?"

Crowley just nodded.

Then he grabbed his brush as the teacher gave the instructions. 

But he had trouble concentrating on his words and couldn't help glancing back. Aziraphale wasn't looking at him, but he had a strange expression on his face, and Crowley began to feel strangely guilty.

"Hey Aziraphale, what's wrong? You look pale."

Crowley saw Aziraphale turn to his neighbor, a blonde woman whom Crowley had already noticed because she was always so cheerful.

Aziraphale replied in a soft tone, "Ah, no, it's nothing, Maggie, I'm fine, don't worry.”

Crowley shook his head, inwardly chastising himself, he had what he wanted, the other man was no longer looking at him strangely. 

All was well in the best of worlds.

**********

A week later, however, he realized that all was not so well in the best of worlds.

Because now it was Crowley who was beginning to notice him, and he found himself looking for him as soon as he arrived in the art classroom.

"Hi Crowley!"

He looked at Muriel who continued, "So have you thought about your camp form?"

Crowley nodded and listened distractedly to his new friend's chatter, once again unable to stop himself from looking around for Aziraphale.

He was surprised to see him smiling and chatting with another member of the class. Crowley realized it was Maggie, the one who had inquired about his well-being a week ago. Was it Aziraphale's girlfriend?

"What the hell do I care if he has a girlfriend?"

"What?"

Crowley realized he'd spoken aloud and replied, stammering, "Uh, nothing... I was just erm... thinking out loud."

Muriel looked at him knowingly and replied, a little gleam of mischief in their eyes, "I see..."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. Well, the teacher's coming, let's take our seats."

As he unpacked his drawing supplies, Crowley had another thought for Aziraphale. If he could talk normally to people, why was he acting like this with him?

**********

The following week, when class had just started, the teacher addressed them all.

"Well, I have checked and I see that I have all the forms except one. Aziraphale, are you sure you don't want to come?"

Crowley, ignoring the hint of disappointment at the thought of the other man not coming, turned to him like the others, curious to hear his answer.

"Oh, uh... I don't know if... actually..."

Maggie nudged him and leaned over to say something in his ear.

Aziraphale replied, "You think?"

Maggie nodded energetically, then Crowley saw Aziraphale bend down and rummage in his bag on the ground. He pulled out the form and handed it to the professor who had approached his row.

"Great! 

I'll get back to all of you with the details of the organization at a later date."

Crowley decided to ignore the hint of excitement he'd felt knowing that Aziraphale would be coming to the camp now.

After all, he didn't care, right?

There were, however, two people who did care. 

Each of them preoccupied with their own emotions, neither Aziraphale nor Crowley had seen the wink that Muriel and Maggie had shared.

**********

Ten days later, with his travel bag slung over his shoulder, Aziraphale took a deep breath before crossing the street to meet the bus that would take them to camp. 

Suddenly seeing the small group from his art class, he stopped and muttered, "What an idiot! I shouldn't have come. I'll never recognize them. I don't want them to find out my secret. I knew it was a bad idea. I never should have listened to Maggie."

In the classroom, they were all in assigned seats, so that, combined with Aziraphale's attention to their voices, he could give the impression that he recognized them.  But here, without a cue, it would be impossible. His breathing began to quicken and he could feel panic coming over him.

"Hey, Hi Aziraphale!"

He sighed in relief. 

Maggie.

The only one who knew. 

His closest friend.

As if she sensed his dismay, which she must have, she threw an arm around his neck and he heard her little charm bracelet. Just the familiar sound of the bracelet was enough to calm Aziraphale. Maggie called it her Aziraphale bracelet because it was what allowed him to recognize her no matter what.

She said in his ear, "Don't worry, I'm here. I'll help you. Let's go."

Maggie slipped her arm under his, but Aziraphale stopped her, "Wait, Maggie, there's something I need to tell you. It's about... Crowley. It's really weird, and I don't know why, but I can actually see his face."

Maggie was speechless for a moment, then exclaimed, "Aaaah, that's why you always looked at him strangely. I thought that..."

"You thought what?"

"No, no, nothing."

Aziraphale insisted, "Maggie..."

Maggie looked a little embarrassed, and answered, "Well, I thought you might be interested in him, you know, like..." 

"But I am. I mean, interested in him."

"Yes?"

Aziraphale nodded, blushing slightly, then added, whispering, "Sorry, but did you see that face? The first face I can see clearly since my accident, and it's a handsome one. Of course I am interested in him. What is more, he smiles all the time and seems to be friendly. 

Well, not so much with me, but who can blame him when a weirdo like me is watching him all the time".

Aziraphale didn't know what came over him, but he just felt like sharing with his friend. Probably to make up for the panic he had felt earlier.

Maggie laughed, then led her friend to the group and whispered happily, "Oh, you're so back, honey! I have a feeling this weekend is going to be great! And another thing, you're not a weirdo. You're special and I love you."

Aziraphale couldn't help but give her a kiss on the cheek and said softly, "Thanks Maggie, I love you too."

They arrived near the group, and of course the first person Aziraphale noticed was Crowley. It was so strange that it reminded him of waking up in the hospital and not recognizing anyone.

"Who's there?"

It was strange, Aziraphale felt he recognized the person who had just entered the hospital room, but he couldn't make out his features.

He asked again, "Who are you?"

"Aziraphale, Zira, what is wrong with you?"

He recognized the voice, but asked, "Who are you?"

"Aziraphale, it's me! Don't you know me?"

Aziraphale saw the person approaching, but still not recognizing his features, he backed into the bed and yelled, "Don't come any closer!"

"Zira?"

Aziraphale brought his hands to his bandaged head and panicked, "You're not James! Who... who are you? I don't... I don't know you! Why?! Why can't I see your face!"

"Aziraphale? Are you with us?"

The teacher's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he was embarrassed to see everyone looking at him again.

Maggie whispered in his ear, "I know he's handsome, but concentrate a little, please."

Aziraphale couldn't hold back a small laugh and apologized, "Sorry, Professor. I'm all ears."

"Well, I was explaining that the seats on the bus were assigned. By myself. I know some of you know each other well, but this is an opportunity to get to know others, so let yourself be surprised."

Aziraphale, slightly panicked, turned to Maggie, who put her hand on his arm and said quietly, "Don't worry, it'll be fine."

"How do you know?"

"Trust me. Let's see where we're going to sit."

When a few people grumbled a bit, the teacher called out, "Stop complaining and get on the bus!"

Aziraphale walked over to the bus door to see the chart the teacher had taped there, looked at the number opposite his name, and wanted to see who his neighbor was, but someone pushed him and he was forced to climb on the bus to take his seat without knowing.

He sat in his assigned seat by the window and dreamily looked out, wondering who his neighbor would be and hoping it would be Maggie. Suddenly, he felt a presence at his side and turned to see that it was Crowley.

He couldn't contain a small gasp of surprise, unable to believe his luck as the other man stowed his bag in the locker above.

Aziraphale immediately asked him, "Would you prefer to sit by the window?"

Crowley looked at him in silence for a few seconds before replying, "I don't mind." Then he dropped into the seat next to Aziraphale.

Once seated, Crowley turned to him, extended his hand, and with a slight smile on his lips, said gently, "Let's take this opportunity to start over. My name is Crowley, nice to meet you."

Aziraphale looked at the outstretched hand in surprise, then slid his hand against Crowley's and squeezed it a little harder than necessary, stammering slightly, "Ah, uh... yes. I'm Aziraphale, uh, nice to meet you."

They let go of each other's hands, then Crowley stretched his legs out in front of him and crossed his arms, saying, "Don't feel obligated to make conversation with me, though, because I'm more the sleeping type when I'm traveling. But don't hesitate to wake me if you need to get up."

"Oh, uh, okay. Thank you."

Crowley smiled and closed his eyes.

Aziraphale watched him for a few seconds, then leaned back in his seat and looked out the window at the landscape that was beginning to unfold before his eyes now that the bus was moving.

He couldn't stop the happy smile from forming on his lips. It had been a long time since he had been so excited about something or someone.

He felt a new kind of warmth inside of him.

Maybe this camp would change everything.

Two rows behind them, Muriel and Maggie high-fived and then gave a thumbs up to the professor, who nodded, looked at Crowley and Aziraphale, and winked at the two matchmakers.

This weekend promised to be interesting.

_________

Still not beta'd

Still not my native language

Still hoping you'll enjoy this story  🥰

Still thanking you for bearing with me 😝

Ineffable Husbands masterlist : here 

[neon-lights-and-glitter]

Fight The Feeling Prologue- Part 6 Stressed out & More Surprises

Summary- Urban gets you to surprise Jack on his Creme De La Creme tour, when he realizes how much Jack misses you. When Urban calls you to ask if you could fly out, he realizes how much you also miss Jack when you open up to him.

Word Count- 2.3k

Requested by @heavyhitterheaux 💖

After you and Jack got back from Paris, Jack finished his tour rehearsals, and it wasn’t long until his tour started, and you had to go back to Los Angeles for work. With Jack being on tour and in a different city almost every night, you only got to see each other twice in the two months Jack had been on tour. Once because you happened to have a photoshoot in the same city, but your photoshoot was during the day and Jack’s show was at night, so you only got to see each other for a couple hours. The second time was because you managed to fly out when Jack had a day off, but both of those visits were very brief and towards the beginning of his tour. 

It had been at least a month since you saw each other and while you were both struggling with it, Jack was really struggling. He didn’t want you to know though, he obviously hid it from everyone who didn’t know you were together. You two had told a couple of your close friends you were together, but it was still a secret to most people and you both intended on keeping it that way. Urban was the only one who truly knew how Jack felt.

Jack was stressed out and he missed you, he had been counting down the days until tour was over, but he still had almost a month left. Urban had never seen Jack like this before, and Urban was determined to make Jack feel better and he knew just how to do that. Urban called you when Jack was distracted and working, hoping you would answer.

“Hey, what’s up.” You said, setting your phone up as you answered Urban’s facetime. It was obvious you had been crying, but you tried to hide it as you quickly wiped your eyes.

“Hey, are you okay?” Urban asked, immediately concerned for you.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You lied, but the way your voice cracked gave you away.

“Were you crying?” Urban asked and you nodded slightly, hugging your knees to your chest.

“Please don’t –“ You said as your eyes started to water again. “Please don’t tell Jack, I’ll be okay.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Urban asked, not wanting to bring up why he called until he knew you were okay.

“I’m just fucking stressed out. I feel like I keep telling Claire I want a break, but she keeps scheduling stuff. I just want to see my boyfriend but every time I have enough days off in a row to fly out, she schedules something else. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but it just feels like a lot sometimes. I was supposed to have today and tomorrow off so I could fly out, but Claire scheduled a last-minute photoshoot, but they went with someone else right before I was supposed to leave so now, I don’t have work, and I can’t see Jack.” You said as you cried, wiping the tears from under your eyes.

“I feel stupid for crying but I just feel overwhelmed. I know Claire wants what’s best for me and she doesn’t know that I want to see Jack, but I just feel like sometimes she doesn’t care about what I want. I know I can say no if I want to, but I don’t want to say no after she’s already scheduled something. I also don’t want to tell Jack how I’m feeling because I don’t want him to worry about me. I don’t want to bring his mood down because he should be enjoying his tour so every time we talk I feel like I’m putting on an act. What is it? One more month until tour is over? I can make it one more month.” You said and Urban sighed.

“I’m sorry. You have every right to feel upset and you should tell Claire no when you don’t want to do something for whatever reason it is. I know you don’t want to tell Jack, but I think you should consider it, he cares about you, and he wants to know how you are feeling. Plus, he misses you too. Jack’s been grumpy because he misses you too, which means everyone else is also struggling.” Urban said, joking, trying to make you laugh. “Jack doesn’t want you to worry about him either, but that’s actually what I was calling you about.”

“Jack’s struggling too?” You asked and Urban nodded.

“Yeah, he misses you a lot. I wanted to see if you could fly out to surprise him. I’ll figure everything out, so no one finds out about you two. I think seeing each other will be good for both of you. Just tell Claire that you want to do a photoshoot with me or something. That way she thinks you’re still working, and it gives you an excuse to fly out.” Urban said and you thought for a second.

“Yeah, I’ll fly out. I think you’re right, I need to see Jack. I’ll feel a lot better after.” You agreed. “I miss you too, but it’s different.”

“I know, I miss you too though, flying you out is 75% for Jack, 25% for me.” Urban joked. “When can you fly out?” Urban asked.

“I’ll figure it out and let you know tonight. Thank you for letting me rant to you. I think I needed to get that out, I feel better already.” You told Urban.

“No problem.” Urban smiled at you. “I’m your friend and that’s what friends are for. I do think you should tell Jack how you feel. I know he hates being away from you too, but I think if you two talked to each other about it, it might help. I do get what you mean though about not wanting him to worry about you, but I know no matter what Jack’s worried about you.” Urban said and you sighed softly.

“I’ll tell him eventually. He should be focused on tour, not me. I’ll be fine.” You reassured Urban and he sighed but nodded. 

A few days later, you managed to rearrange your schedule with a little bit of Urbans help, so you could fly out to see Jack. You flew in at night while Jack was still preforming since he had a show that night. You got your own hotel room like you had previous times, but you knew you would be staying in Jack’s.

You had been waiting in your room when Jack and Urban got back to the hotel. Jack immediately went up to his room, while Urban pretended to go to his own room but made his way to yours. Urban wanted to see you before Jack stole you for the time you were there.

Urban came up with the plan of waiting for Jack to facetime you and waiting for Jack to notice you were in the same hotel. You would have been okay with just going and knocking on the door, or simply telling him you were there, but you went along with Urban’s plan. 

You greeted Urban and the two of you caught up for about 30 minutes before Jack called you, so Urban hid so he couldn’t be seen by the camera. 

“Hey babe, how’d the show go?” You asked as you answered the phone.

“Hi baby, it went good. I miss you.” Jack said. “Where are you?” Jack asked, noticing the new room you were in, but not realizing it was practically identical to the one he was in.

“I’m in a hotel.” You said, glancing over at Urban, waving him over. “My friend wants to say hi.”

“Oh, Madison’s there?” Jack asked and you shook your head. “Zoey?” Jack asked and you giggled as you shook your head.

“Do you want to keep guessing or do you want me to show you?” You teased.

“Show me.” Jack said, and you turned the Camera to show Urban who was sitting on the chair in the room while you sat on the bed. 

“Oh, hey Urb.” Jack said before realizing. “Wait. If that’s Urban, does that mean you’re here?” Jack asked, sitting up from how he was previously laying on the bed.

“Maybe.” You smiled, standing up from the bed and making your way to Jack’s room, Urban following behind you. Jack met you halfway in the hallway, instantly wrapping his arms around you, lifting you off the ground as you hugged him back.

“I missed you so fucking much.” Jack said, burying his face in your neck. 

“I missed you too.” You said, Jack moving to kiss you. 

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Jack said. 

“You’re welcome.” Urban said, standing next to you and Jack.

“Thank you.” Jack said, smiling at Urban before putting his attention back on you.

“Uh, Y/N, can I have your key?” Urban asked as Jack placed you back on the ground.

“Yeah, why?” You asked, taking the key out of your pocket to hand it too Urban.

“Because my room is next to Jack’s, and you two haven’t seen each other in a month and I’d like to get some sleep.” Urban said, you blushed, and Jack laughed.

“Let me get my bag out of there then it’s yours.” You said, and within 10 minutes you were lying in bed with Jack. Jack was holding you close, almost as if he was in disbelief you were there and was afraid to let you go because you might disappear.

“I missed you so much.” Jack said again, playing with the ends of your hair.

“I missed you too.” You said. “Urban said you were grumpy without me.” Jack laughed softly.

“Well, I wouldn’t say grumpy. But I do feel better when you’re here.” Jack admitted.

“Well, Urban said you were grumpy.” You teased. “I feel better when I’m with you too.” You sighed softly. “I like the privacy of our relationship, but I wish it was easier sometimes you know?” You asked and Jack nodded. You had moved so you were leaning against the pillows and Jack was laying his head on your chest. You ran your fingers through his curls.

“I think we’re doing the right thing, but just because it’s the right thing doesn’t make it easy.” Jack said.

“I wish it could be.”

“Me too. All I want to be able to do is show you off, let everyone know your mine. One day I’ll be able to, because I’m never letting you go.”

“One day all of this will be worth it.” You said and Jack nodded in agreement, tilting his head up so you could lean down slightly and kiss him. “I think I might be able to fly out for the final show.” You told Jack. You hadn’t been sure if you could previously, but you took Urban’s advice and told Claire no to a photoshoot she wanted you to do so you could put your relationship first.

“Really?” Jack asked excitedly.

“Yeah, I might not be able to be there, or I’ll have to stay hidden, but I’ll have a longer break so we’ll at least be able to spend some more time together.”

“When do you leave this time?” Jack asked, a question he didn’t really want to know the answer to.

“I’m here tomorrow since you have the day off, but then I have to leave the next day.” You told Jack.

“Oh.” Jack said, pouting slightly.

“Let’s just focus on the fact that I’m here.”

“I know.” Jack sighed. “I just wish you could stay longer.”

“Me too.” You sighed softly.

“Once we do decide to go public with our relationship, I’m never going anywhere without you again.” Jack said and you giggled.

“I don’t think I’ll complain about that.” You said, looking down at Jack, seeing how his eyes were closed. “Tired?” You asked and Jack nodded.

“Yeah, kind of. Can I fall asleep here?” Jack asked.

“On my boobs?” You asked and Jack nodded. 

“Yes, they are comfortable, and I haven’t seen them in a month.” Jack joked and you laughed softly, shaking your head gently.

“Now, we both know that’s a lie, but yes.”

“Okay fine, but it’s the first time I’ve seen them in person. I know your shirts still on, but I’ll be taking care of that tomorrow.” Jack said, his hand resting just underneath your shirt.

“Go to sleep before I change my mind.” You teased and Jack laughed, sitting up slightly to kiss you before laying his head back down on your chest.

“I love you. Thank you for surprising me tonight.” Jack said, glancing up at you.

“I love you too, you can thank Urban for making it happen, but I’m so glad I’m here.” You told him before you both said goodnight and fell asleep. 

The next day you two focused on catching each other up on what you had been doing since the last time you saw each other. Jack told you about his tour and some random stories that he thought you would like while you told him about a few of the photoshoots you had done, even showing him some sneak peaks at the results of the photoshoots. Even though you and Jack had heard all of these stories over FaceTime, you both listened just as intently as if you hadn’t.

Even though Urban would have been able to sleep the first night you were there, you and Jack were too tired and just focusing on enjoying each other’s presence to do anything more than a lazy make out session when you first were alone, the second night he wouldn’t have gotten much sleep.

Knowing this was most likely the only time you would see each other until the end of Jack’s tour made it hard to say goodbye when you both had to leave, but you two spent as much time together as possible. Unlike Urban’s thought when you first came to surprise Jack, Jack didn’t completely steal your attention all weekend, so you got to spend more time with Urban too, but you never left each other’s side. 

Both of you felt a lot better after seeing each other and Urban was glad that he could help both of his friends. 

Your relationship had its downsides, trying to keep it private was one of them, but ultimately you loved each other enough to continue to make it work, like you said to Jack, one day everything would be worth it. One day you would let the world know about your relationship and not have to keep secrets anymore. You just didn’t know how you could be so right about something, but so wrong at the same time. 

Tag list @jackharloww @harlowcomehome @nattinatalia @hoodharlow @itsyagirljaz @heavyhitterheaux @harlowsbby @awhore4moree

[yyukhei]

hi just found your account and uuuh if you wanna spill the tea about miss "i ruin ppl's lives for a living" sasaeng please do i can't believe she still walks around freely without a care in the world

BUCKLE IN KIDS THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG POST and same like it's very disturbing that SM is giving her a silver platter to stalk the boys. 

The sasang I was specifically referring to is fttm (flytothemoon0), who stalks many of the boys but particularly stalks Yangyang of WayV these days. She hates Kun and Lucas with a passion, and is likely one of the multiple sasangs that made the fake accusations against Lucas (I'll show evidence of all this under the cut so you can come to your own conclusion.)

As a quick summary, here are literally just a few pieces of evidence of her stalking/following YY to unannounced schedules, along with invasive pictures taken in inappropriate places, etc etc. 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

There's plenty more, but you can just check out her account to see them yourself. Anyway, here's all about her under the cut (bc this is going to be loooonnngggg. She's been stalking the neos since debut)

View on Twitter

View on Twitter

She has followed and harassed the boys so many times that they started snapping back a while ago. She was taking photos of them going to the bathroom, following them to undisclosed filming locations, calling them nonstop, and booking the same flights, etc etc.

View on Twitter

The boys got so annoyed that Lucas started snapping pictures of her back (likely in a "see how it feels?" way) and later that day Lucas was still so upset he started posting on his bbl about it

She was getting into arguments with Kun badly enough that she tried to start false rumors about him being a bully predebut

View on Twitter

Even today she continuously follows them EVERYWHERE. I'm not sure how she keeps getting in, but I've read before that she's an SM higher-up's relative (daughter? idk?) and that's why she's given special treatment.

You can see here she was allowed directly behind the boys by SM staff (no one else was allowed anywhere near that close) and was even chatting with them.

View on Twitter

View on Twitter

In this post that WayV made that day, people think Hendery specifically ducked down so that you could clearly see her sitting in the front row, where she's hiding her face.

View on Twitter

Many people (like me) believe that she, along with other sasangs (there have been about 4 ppl linked to the account that made the false accusations against Lucas) made the fake cheating post and created the whole scandal bc Lucas kept fighting back at her.

If anyone wants to check out everything that's been debunked about the Lucas allegation, feel free to check out this account. Just be ready to read some heavy opinions and arguments, as OP is quite...blunt...😅

View on Twitter

View on Twitter

View on Twitter

View on Twitter

Also, to explain why I said she also recently tried to start a Johnny scandal

[sailorblossoms]

I'm thinking and plotting for fic reasons and as I must share this terrible information,

Agatha and Simon "dated" (went through the motions) but didn't DATE date despite being together for 3 years (which probably is part of the reason it lasted 3 years in the first place) (she wouldn’t go to the cinema with him!). And it makes sense when you look at Agatha’s words and Simon's schedule. That boy was BUSY, he had:

- Going on missions/the mage time

- Friendship time, which would be mostly Penny time. Agatha tells Niamh she was “the third wheel the entire time she dated Simon.” Why would she say that if they usually had “couple time” at Watford? We know Penny and Simon are joined at the hip, she likely “monopolized” his time and he was pretty happy about it... So it’s more likely that they usually spend their time together as a trio. It also goes with Penny being able to tell they aren’t in love/into each other at all/just going through the motions (she tried to tell them!) and that they had better years (likely before they started dating). She was fucking there! observing them! in front row seats, popcorn in hand! 

- Classes, which should be taking a good part of their day, including homework, etc.

-Extracurricular activities. Simon going to watch Agatha play lacrosse is not exactly “couple time” (funny how this is something mentioned in Agatha’s POV when they were talking to Niamh, and not something Simon tells us. Meanwhile, he’s like “did I mention Baz’s plays football? and that he’s very good at it?? and that I tried to make my best friend came with me to watch him practice because no way I could miss it???)

- Baz time. Simon doesn’t even need Baz to be around for him to consume his every thought, but listen. Simon says he stopped trying to keep tabs on Baz after stalking him in 5th year because “it's too painful” (to have him so close yet so far). And maybe that was Simon’s intention, but Baz mentions Simon following him around for 3 years so... Simon might have toned it down, but he still couldn't help himself.

So when was “Agatha time”? When did Agatha get priority when they were at school? According to her, when she’s breaking up with him and saying their relationship is no relationship: when Simon “needed a date for the ball” ... She’s essentially saying “our relationship is me being there when you’re socially required to have a date.” (It’d also explain Baz targeting this to “get between them” as in, this is the time they were together, in public, no Penny in sight or like, at a certain distance, looking the most Heterosexual)

Outside of this, there's only the Wellbelove home. That's like, what... 4 to 6 weeks combined? Not a lot. What does Simon say about the Wellbelove home? What does he like about it? He likes the tv. Adults who make him feel welcome. The comfort and the luxuries of a home – all things he doesn’t have in his life. At no point does he say “ah yes, Agatha’s house, a place to be with Agatha, we love Agatha.” 

So there was no “Agatha time” unless they were literally trapped and by themselves in her house (otherwise it was Agatha’s family time, or even Helen time) (whatever they might have done outside, like going to that faire or wtv, was likely with Helen too, since she drives). Simon says, when he’s thinking about being friends with Agatha for half of his life, that he doesn’t think “she would even talk to him if she wasn’t trapped with him in her house.” (He uses trapped, and the way he says “she was trapped with me” and not “we were trapped” is already indicative of his poor self-esteem and his bad tendency to blame himself for everything). So the “alone time together” for these two while dating was forced by location and by “removing everything else” from their lives, as opposed to looking for/wanting this. (Agatha’s parents are kinda absent; and where would Simon go if he wasn’t vibing with something?). 

And this Simon represses, because you don't hear shit about anything that happened there with her from him. Which is telling, because even spending time at a friend's house should be exciting or fun or relaxing or literally anything positive because the friend is there. After all, Agatha is his friend. It means that everything that went down between them there was so uncomfortable/unwanted that Simon erases it from his mind, to the point even their friendship becomes uncomfortable on a level he doesn’t acknowledge because of it, and this is reflected in how Simon barely thinks about Agatha and straight up pretends she doesn’t exist when she isn’t around. (Agatha mentions sitting close to Simon to watch films in a way that evokes uncomfortable sensations; Simon only mentions the tv. It’s reflective of how Simon mentally removes himself from certain situations) (when Agatha uninvited Simon, Simon is like “what's the problem, I can just be in the tv room.” She’s thinking about her being uncomfortable, Simon is only considering having a place to be, and has no problem separating himself from Agatha/removing himself from the situation. There’s practice, there)

[tdcloud]

2022 Retrospective and a Look Ahead to 2023 (blog#12)

And now it’s December, and we’ve reached the final blog post for the year. Somehow I managed to keep this up for a full twelve months! I’m as shocked as you are, though I have to confess it took me a while to decide on a topic for this last installment for 2022. There are so many things I could and will talk about, but what tripped me up was the notion that this entry needed to be special, something different. I wanted to reward us all for reaching this milestone. It took some time to figure out what would work for that, but just like December hitting us full force with terrible Christmas music and present-buying anxiety, it came to me in the end, so here we are, and here we go.

The topic du jour this month is 2022 and 2023. It’s both a look back at what I’ve done this year as well as a sneak peek ahead at my goals and writing schedule for the next year. Now, anyone who knows me knows I’m not good at praising myself. I’ve written all these books, published and unpublished, and yet nothing ever feels like an accomplishment. It’s been my New Year’s resolution so many years in a row, and it’s one I consistently fail to address because… well, I just don’t know how to fix that. I went to Yougei asking him what I should write for this, and he immediately said “Do a reflection on all you’ve done this year.” I then responded, “All that would be is me complaining about not doing enough.” It’s a problem, that sort of mentality. I’m recognizing it here, and despite my knee jerk reaction that a topic like that wouldn’t be worth doing, I’ve decided to do it anyway. Because I have made strides! I have accomplished things! Let’s talk about them!

I think most obvious and present in my mind when it comes to accomplishments right now is Carnival, my October novella event winner. It’s done, it’s posted, and by and large, it seems to have been a success. I always stress over these events specifically because it’s… you know, a pretty huge undertaking. I have so many people who ask me if I do NaNoWriMo and I just stare at them like… first, I don’t need a month to write a novel, I do it on the regular, and second… That’s literally what October is for me every year. I bite off a lot to make this event happen for my patrons. The story may only be 5-6 chapters, but they average these days anywhere between 70-90 pages. I’ve stopped trying to write them all piecemeal in October—when I only wrote them to be around 4-5 chapters, that was more doable, but anymore, I need some extra time to prepare, plan, and get a head start if I want the end product to be the best it can possibly be given the circumstances under which it was written. I don’t tend to feel proud of myself when I finish writing something, but I do feel satisfied when these projects come to an end. It’s me testing myself on my flexibility, creativity, and perseverance. If I come out with time to spare, it’s a huge win, and this year, I managed to do just that with Carnival. A lot of the time, I’m still writing into October.

But beyond the obvious and most recent thing, what else have I accomplished this year? Well, I’m unreasonably negative towards myself when I fail to publish something. I’ve got so many things active and ready for it, but I can’t always get my way when it comes to finding an artist with time to spare, or if my editor is bogged down with their own projects. A lot of things conspired to throw a wrench in my plans this year, but I did manage to prepare two stories for publication—all I’m waiting for is art. When I’ve got that locked and loaded, all I have to do is send out for proofs and hit publish. I managed this year to prep so much content. Even if nothing managed to come to fruition for 2022, I’ll be able to hit the ground running in 2023. We’ll have a few rapid-fire releases that way, and I’ll be in a great position to finish some high-profile projects and get ahead for once in my never-ending schedule.

Given how much I work and put on my own plate, I’m not always in the best position to help out other people with their own projects. I was able to help Sun, one of my dearest and most valued friends, with her new A Little Rain Oracle Deck, and honestly, that’s probably the accomplishment I’m most proud of. She asked for help during my busiest month (September, when I’m in the deepest of hell-deadlines for the October novella), and I managed to completely rewrite and revise her guidebook with time to spare for her own deadlines. She’s announced and ended her pre-order, but there’s still time to check out this beautiful deck and see how to grab a copy for yourself. Help support Sun by checking out her website: https://ambisunart.com/shop/

Beyond all of that, I’ve made great strides in my ongoing projects. My Patreon serial, my monthly novella rotations, and all the other projects I’m working on in the background have progressed on schedule. I’m not behind in anything beyond Hiraeth (more on that later), and I’m actually finishing up the last few chapters of Apotheosis this month so I can get a head start on my next serial early, thus allowing myself even more time in the future for things not on my monthly rotation list. It’s hard to do double-chapters for large projects each month, but I’m trying to view it as an investment in future-me. The more I can churn through now when I’ve got some holiday downtime, the more I’ll be able to take my time in the future when I need to take my time. If I prep and stockpile chapters now, I’ll be in a better position when I inevitably get sick, go to conventions, or have a bad productivity month later on. 

And I do plan on doing more conventions. This year saw me attending and tabling at my first long-distance convention. I flew to Minnesota and tabled with my lovely friend Jack, something I never thought I’d be able to do given the logistics of transporting heavy books via airplane. I made it happen, and it worked! I reached an entirely new audience who hadn’t been privy to my work, and I intend to do it again in the future. I’ve reached new horizons and tested the boundaries of what I thought was possible when selling my work in person. It’s an accomplishment for sure, even if it’s not an obvious one in terms of publication or writing. What I do is considered a small business. I’m not just the talent—I’m the salesperson, the marketer, the graphic designer, the agent. Pushing the boundaries of where I take my business is so important, and while Covid is still very much a thing (y’all better still be masking!) conventions are reaching a state of equilibrium again. I’m excited to try my hand at new conventions I’ve never been to before. Hopefully, I’ll get to meet more of you while I do it!

But what about next year? I know I’ve teased a lot of future projects over this past year, but I haven’t been able to give too many concrete dates or time frames for a lot of them. Most of you don’t really know how I schedule or plan out my projects when it comes to publication timelines. I’m very organized, as you can imagine (sarcasm) and I have it all on a sticky notes app on my desktop.

This is sort of my tally chart on how projects are progressing, how much more is left on them, and it gives me general goalposts to aim for as I move forward. I also have a sticky note just for my monthly commitments as well.

This is more a to-do list that gets deleted as I check things off the list, and then the chapter tally is updated on the main screenshot from before. I’ve also got an actual paper schedule notebook where I schedule out my weeks in terms of what project gets worked on when, and when stories conclude, when they go on pause (like in the case of October, every project tends to stop updating except for the novella event offering), and when new stories get to begin. 

Of course, I’m always running behind. In an ideal world, I’d keep to my schedule exactly and finish everything in the least amount of time necessary, but I get sick sometimes, or a family member gets sick, or my convention schedule gets hectic and I lose entire weeks to prepping and traveling and recovery, or holidays happen and my family monopolizes me, or any other numerous setbacks that happen when you live your life. In an ideal world, I’d publish 2-3 times a year. In 2022 alone, I wanted to publish Infaust, Ossuary, and even if there was time, one of the vigilante books. Unfortunately, this year was a busy, hectic year. My usual artists can’t drop everything for me, and I wouldn’t expect or ask them to. When you work independently like this, you just have to get used to having your self-imposed deadlines break. 

But when I’m in a lean year like this, I don’t stop working towards publication. If anything, I do even more so that when I do have covers ready, I can hit the ground running. I do all the formatting. I pre-make promotional material. I spend money I would’ve earmarked for cover art on commissioned character art to generate interest, and I dedicate time I would’ve lost in publication hell towards other projects. Do you see how many things I’ve got in my Edit Block up there? I’ve been able to finish and stockpile so many completed manuscripts over the course of 2022. My editor, NIL, has already recreationally read at least half of these offerings. We’ll be able to start 2023 in a great position when it comes to the vigilante series since we’ve both spent so much time poking around on the documents as it is, and Nil’s has already been able to give me a head start on my personal edits for Lambent and Carnival as well, so when we get around to working on those titles seriously, a lot of the bigger issues will already be taken care of.

So, what does that mean in terms of what to expect in 2023? Well, the delightful and supremely skilled AmbiSun (illustrator and graphic designer behind The Tempest Series) will be returning to make Ossuary, the cursebreaker witch/elder vampire erotic horror novella, a reality! She’ll be sending me thumbnails this month and we should have a completed cover before we hit March. Expect a spring release on that title, and more information and teasers around then!

I know I’ve been teasing Infaust over the past few months, and this book is just a good representation of how my intense work schedule doesn’t always translate well for others. I’ve got an insanely talented artist on board for this Pied Piper inspired dark romance, but working around our schedules and fitting things into our busy lives has proved challenging. I’d wanted to release this book back in June, but it’s looking now like it’ll be a 2023 release, perhaps before Ossuary, but maybe after it. We’re playing it by ear, and that’s fine. I will tell you guys that I do have some fun publication plans for this book when it does drop! I really want to do more for pre-orders, and I’m working right now on making a pre-order book release bundle that will hopefully become the norm when I release full books (not novellas, though we may do something fun for compilations like the vigilante trio.) The goal is to have a cute themed box of goodies to go along with the new book. This will likely involve some character manjuu, a sticker sheet, mini prints, and perhaps even acrylic standees or charms! All of the merch will be available for individual purchase after the book drops, but we may have some exclusives just for early birds. 

Here’s where we get a little indulgent and pretend that I can concretely deliver on three releases in one year. Following these two books, my publication team and I are planning on going all in when it comes to the vigilante novella trio. If you haven’t read my vigilante teaser blog, go do that now so you know what you’re waiting for! Like I said in that blog, I’ll be working with @skelefarts (or Skeletal Creature, as I think Linden told me she wanted to be known as for the book credentials) over on Twitter when it comes to art. The current plan is to focus on editing all three novellas, starting with Pride/Stray (still using the working titles for ease of the team). Once NIL and I are done editing it and have it all formatted, Linden will do her art while we set in on the next manuscript, leap-frogging it like that so we’re always editing, drawing, and publishing until we’re through with all three novellas. Usually, I have to stop everything when I’m working on late-stage publication, but we’ve all spent enough time with these novellas that it shouldn’t take too much focus to get them out. If we’re lucky, expect Pride/Stray in late 2023 and the other two in early-to-mid 2024. A merch box for all three titles may follow the final publication, but that’ll be dependent on how the Infaust box does.

I would say this is all you can expect currently when it comes to physical releases, but that’s not all you have to look out for. My Patreon is always chock-full of so many ongoing digital releases to tide you over in between physical publications. My current Patreon serialized novel Apotheosis, the prequel to Letifer and the second installment in my Dark Vagaries vampire series, will end by April of 2023. It’ll likely be a 2024 release and be given high priority since it’s part of my main ongoing series. I don’t expect its publication deadline to move around much, barring some major life event occurring or my DVerse artist, Y. Dan (Yougei) needing more time to get the cover out. Either way, you can read it on Patreon right now for just $5 a month. In fact, you can read literally all of these stories right now on Patreon if you’re too impatient to wait for physical releases XD Their first drafts are up, and while they may be missing a chapter or two here, they’re still good representations of what you have to look forward to as my team works on publication.

Since Apotheosis ends in April, May will start off the next serialized work, a rewrite of Aubade, a Norse fantasy story. I wrote up a blog post about this story a couple months back, so if you want a teaser on what to expect from it, I highly suggest checking that out. The current goal right now is to finish writing Apotheosis before New Year’s so I can spend January-May churning through my rewrite portions of Aubade (the first eight or so chapters). The following 4-5 new, additional chapters will be written monthly, thus allowing me to schedule most of the book to auto-release on Patreon while I dedicate my time to finishing other projects I normally wouldn’t have time for while balancing a monthly serial like this. I’m also excited to announce here that a really talented artist will be working with me for this Patreon release! He’s asked to be kept anonymous, but I’ll tell you that he’s a huge fan of Aubade, has been for a long time now, even though I really don’t like the fic version much these days. He’s been champing at the bit in hopes of me picking the story back up and, as a show of his diehard love of the story, has offered to make illustrations for every chapter of the Patreon release, as well as a Patreon cover for the story, too. It’s going to make for a very immersive, very thoughtful exploration of this book, and I really can’t wait for January to come so we can begin our collaborative rewrite of this emotionally challenging story.

I also do a monthly patron pick poll on Patreon, one where I keep up a monthly rotation of several different short story/novella concepts that update based on my patrons’ tastes. We’ve currently got three on rotation, a Gladiatrix/Noblewoman lesbian romcom that will end after one more chapter, a spiritual sequel/tie-in to a previous novella poll option currently titled The Raven King involving courtship through mutual story telling and folkloric creatures beyond our ken, and one with the working title Courtly Love, another romcom set in a pseudo-Arthurian setting with a romantic, hesitant troubadour and the inexperienced prince determined to get this guy to make a move before it’s too late for either of them to act on the flirtations they’ve been exchanging for close to a decade. The latter two won’t begin until next year—everyone has really been feeling these sweaty Roman lesbians—and a third option will likely be added then too, since I like having three on rotation. I haven’t yet decided what I’ll add to the poll just yet, but it’s always a banger and always a ton of fun. 

Similar to the patron poll options, my October Novella Event for 2023 will come as it always does, and voting on the story will begin around May or June, just to give me some extra time to plan and get a head start on things. As of right now, the poll options for that event will include the two losers from this year, a sequel to Ossuary named Reliquary that is pretty dead dove XD and another, final installment in the vigilante-verse involving a milfy they/them ditz of a villain and a young, yandere-in-the-making hero who enjoys being held hostage a little too much, a sort of pseudo-horror romance involving the ringleader of a carnival of the dead and a denizen of Limbo who refuses to fall victim to his whims (kinda Corpse Bride-meets-Mushishi flavored, if that gives you some vibes to consider), and something else I haven’t come up with yet. I’m sure I’ll do more teaser blogs about these and other works once I get closer to actually working on them. Just fun stuff to keep in mind, and hopefully you’ll be enticed enough to join us in October for the big reveal!

And finally, the last project I want to discuss is the one I keep getting grilled on: Hiraeth. The final installment of The Tempest Series has been a thorn in my side for several years now, and I’ve offered about as many excuses as I can on why it still isn’t done yet. I just want to reiterate that I WILL finish this story. It will not be scrapped or canceled. It’s going to be published. As you can see in my sticky notes, it is on my radar and always, always, ALWAYS on my mind. The issues I’m having are namely of my own making, but as I said before, I’m always running behind, and with Patreon rotations that have to be published on a schedule, I’m forced to prioritize some projects at the detriment of others. Earlier this year I managed to squeeze in a chapter of Hiraeth into my monthly rotation, but as soon as I had to begin working on my October novella on top of that, something had to give. My goal is to keep Hiraeth on my schedule until it’s done or I’m forced to, once again, let something slide so I’m able to meet my monthly commitments. Given I’m so close to the end of this book, I think the former is more likely than the latter. The SECOND this story is done, it is going to supersede anything else my editor is working on for me. We’re going to beat it into shape and get it ready for publication, but when it’ll be published… I can’t say just yet. It’s going to depend on Sun’s availability, as always, but please know that this book will become my top priority the moment the draft is done. Until then, it’s always going to be the thing I push to the back burner because I have a monetary commitment to prioritize my Patreon offerings first, and while I did toy with the idea of making Hiraeth a serial on there, I opted to not since it’s too wrapped up in lore, previous installments, and context to work as a standalone for anyone on there who hasn’t read the whole series yet. 

Please keep in mind I work a full time job and update roughly 50-60 pages a month publicly and another 30-40 that you don’t see. I’m not annoyed or frustrated that I keep getting questions about Hiraeth—to be honest, I’m just psyched that people care and are that excited to finally get to read it. I’m more frustrated at myself for taking this long on something that should’ve been done back in like, 2019. I’m going to do it, though. My Aubade rewrite sprint at the beginning of 2023 will free me up significantly, and I intend to use that time wisely by prioritizing this book again as much as I’m able to. I don’t think I’ll be able to publish in 2023, but my ultimate goal for this work is to give you guys a release date for 2024, or at the very least, confirm that the book is done and that all we’re waiting on is clearance for art before we announce when to expect it. 

But that’s enough on that. You guys probably look at all these ongoing and future projects and think I’m insane, but honestly, this is how I work, this is how I update, and I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t give myself unrealistic standards and deadlines. I like having a full plate, and when I have lots of ideas, I don’t always like waiting years for their turn to come. Sometime I’ll show you guys more of my monthly planning strategies and maybe even show you guys how I format my physical schedule. To me, this is all very manageable so long as I don’t fall behind. It’s when I get sick or miss a weekend that things get stressful. Maybe that’ll be my next resolution for 2023—give myself even more padding for when things inevitably do happen to me, because even with all of these stockpiling tricks I’m pulling, it’s still likely to happen regardless.

Let’s turn to some questions now and see what else people are excited about for 2023. Questions come from Instagram and Twitter this time!

How do you do prior research and gather references to make your work more “real”?

More writing questions! Fun fun. Well, I mean, I read books and look for articles on the topics. It really depends on the sort of research you’re doing. If it’s something in a historical setting, you should be researching the fuck out of things—if that’s something you feel is important. There are plenty of people writing “historical” fiction where it’s just a setting, not anything more. Do you care about being accurate? If so, then read everything you can find about the time period itself. Find diaries, since those are great for actually hearing how people lived their day-to-day lives, and look for resources that can add flavor to your worldbuilding, like historical cookbooks or books/articles targeted towards taking you through the day of whatever class or group of people you’re writing about. You want to get boots on the ground, essentially, because just reading a history book won’t tell you how a person lived, just what they lived through. 

If you’ve got access to JSTOR, you’re a lucky bastard. Use it and download as many articles as you can. If you don’t, hit up your local library. There are reference librarians who can find articles and books for you via WORLDCAT or interlibrary loan, and I’d recommend being pretty upfront with them when it comes to what you’re trying to write. My mother is a librarian and you’d be shocked what sorts of goldmines they’re able to uncover once they get going. Also, when I was in college, I asked my professors LOTS of questions when I was writing stories set in their areas of focus. If you’ve got access to an expert in the field, use them. I’ve served as a historical consultant before for comic authors—though I’d hazard to call myself an “expert.” Just… don’t be too shy to tell someone like that what you’re trying to do. You don’t have to tell your Medieval History professor “Hey, I’m writing a gay erotica about a viking and volva, can you tell me more about things that pertain to that?” Have some tact, if you think they’ll care or whatever, but just tell them you’re working on a personal project and could use more context. They’ll tell you everything they know, or be a great resource when it comes to pointing you towards other resources instead.

I’d also suggest setting your story in a place you’re familiar with, if you’re basing it in a real world place. That’s not always possible though—and God knows I’ve never been to France XD—but if you don’t have real world experience in the location you’re setting a story in, you’re going to have to do even more research to level the playing field, because a reader who DOES know about that location will drag your ass for inconsistencies—I’ve got a European reader who corrected me for having two French characters drink tea with milk in it. Find someone who lives there or has a lot of experience being there to read over your work and tweak it for issues, interview people about their own experiences, and like, Google Earth is a thing. You can literally take a walk down a Parisian street to see what a character sees. I can’t tell you how many walking tours I watched on Youtube to get a feel for the public portions of the Catacombs as well. The more you know and have seen of your setting, the more authentic your descriptions will be and feel. 

Finally, while I don’t believe in only “writing what you know,” I still suggest you write within your wheelhouse. If you know nothing about the Industrial Revolution and you don’t really care to learn about it beforehand, maybe don’t set your story during that time if the setting itself is a big area of focus in the story. There’s no shame in giving your fantasy a historical bend to it. It gives you a lot more wiggle room and more grace in terms of the finicky little details that may give you away. I guess… just identify what your goal is in telling the story. Are you trying to make it accurate? Do you want people to come out of reading it learning new things? If so, put in the work. If not, then don’t sweat it, but also don’t sell it as accurate historical fiction.

Ultimately, what makes a story feel “real” can come from the setting, but largely, it’ll come from how realistic and authentic you make your characters feel. The more you demonstrate this person is a well rounded character with thoughts, feelings, and goals of their own, the more the reader will feel immersed and find the story believable. Don’t just write a character—write a person. The set dressing will help us understand them, but I’d ignore the presence of a tomato in 14th century Europe a lot easier if the character I’m reading about feels tangible.

Is there any trope in fiction that you love but might not have written yet?

Hmm well I’m pretty good about writing things that I like or want to try exploring, clearly XD But off the top of my head, I really want to do some noir inspired works sometime, as well as more detective stories. One of my favorite type of stories to read are locked door mysteries, the sort of mystery where someone is murdered in a locked room and you have to try to figure out who did it and how—sort of like Clue meets Agatha Christie. 

I’m also a fan of arranged marriages/political marriage tropes, and while I’m sort of satisfying some of those requirements with Apotheosis, I haven’t gotten to truly explore that trope just yet. I’ve also got a divisive relationship with isekai type stories, but I lowkey have plans I want to explore for a story involving alternate realities and a character being brought into a world that seems familiar but has a few marked differences. I’m toying with some story notes as we speak but I don’t have anything concrete enough planned for any sort of formal write-up or teaser just yet. 

What conventions are you going to next year?

Great question! I do try to keep my Events tab on my website up-to-date as I make plans and get into alleys, but as of right now, I’ll be at Anime Crossroads in February (Indianapolis), Anime Minneapolis in May (Minneapolis), Colossalcon in June (Sandusky), and Youmacon in November (Detroit). I’ll be for-sure tabling at the first three (Colossalcon likely just the traditional Thursday), with Youma still being a TBA. I’ve also applied for Matsuricon, ACEN, and will be trying for JAFAX, Anime Iowa, and perhaps a few other smaller Michigan conventions as well. One of my goals for 2023 is to try applying to more conventions outside my normal rotation. Wish me luck on all these lotteries and juries!

It’s been a great year, now that I’m reading over all of this. I’ve made new friends, worked with new people, explored new topics, and set myself up for some really great launches next year. I’m entering a new era of my business and creative life as I attempt new things and try different dynamics within my fiction, and I’m really excited to start offering more merch in new and fun ways. 

I hope you guys had a good 2022 despite, y’know, everything bad that’s done it’s best to stain it for everyone. We’re not living in easy times. We’re actively challenged every single day to get out of bed and keep our heads high, to move forward with what makes us happy while life around us conspires to drag us down. Fiction is an escape and always has been. It can be hard to get the words on paper some days with the news beating down on the back of my head, but it’s an escape for you guys, and for me as well. It’s… important. Silly little stories are important. If I’ve been able to give any of you some levity in darkness, I’m glad. It makes it all worth it, and I hope you’ll stick by me for another year as we continue to laugh and cry and shout at these stupid characters as they fall in love again and again and again.

Thank you for 2022. Let’s say hello again in 2023, and make it a good year, even if we have to do it ourselves by any means possible.

Until next time,

T.D. Cloud

[spawn510]

{After the Accident}

{Chapter 5}

{Blood}

At 6:15am Dylan’s scheduled alarm goes off, Dylan slaps the button on the alarm to turn it off then cuddles into Jacob more. At 6:45am the alarm goes off again and Jacob wakes up “C’mon we gotta get up, the new campers rock up today” Jacob whispers shaking his sleeping beauty gently “Mmm five more minutes” Dylan grumbles nuzzling closer “No, don’t give me that, c’mon get up” Jacob says swapping sides with Dylan so he can get out of bed “it’s time to get up! The new campers arrive today!!” Jacob exclaims with an enthusiastic smile!

After waking up the 7 counsellors plus Mr Hackett start greeting the new campers and parents and welcoming everyone new and reoccurring, once everyone was welcomed and settled in their cabins the new campers gather around the fire pit to get split into their activities for the day. “Alright new campers! You’ll be paired up with one of our, ‘veteran’ campers to get shown the ropes just for the first week then we’ll allow you to pick your own parters or to camp alone. I’m going to give you a number and that number will tell you what counsellor will be leading your first activity for the day, 1. Is Jacob & Dylan out at the lake house” Kaitlyn explains loud enough for everyone to hear while pointing at Jacob and Dylan “2. Will be with Emma and Abi doing arts” Kaitlyn points at Emma and Abi then continues “3. Will be with Nick, learning about ropes, ties, and knots” Kaitlyn points at nick then points at both Ryan and herself “4. Will be set with me and Ryan, we’ll be teaching you basic survival skills” Kaitlyn walks around and starts putting kids in groups and giving them numbers. After everyone had been put in their groups they all split off and get to teaching their classes.

“Does anyone here know how to row a boat?” Jacob asks jokingly, the kids laugh a little and almost at the same time respond “Yeah!” The few that said ‘no’ are being taught by their buddies, Jacob and Dylan walk off to the side to observe “Yo, you remember when we first started this job??” Jacob asks gently nudging Dylan in the side “Yeah, this would’ve been a mess. I don’t even think we’ll need two people watching over them” Dylan replies keeping an eye on the campers, Jacob goes silent and stares a hole into the side of Dylan’s head “What?” Dylan asks turning to look at Jacob “Do you not want to watch over the kids with me?” Jacob asks with the tone somewhat like a puppy feeling left out “It’s not like I don’t want to be around you I’m just saying it may seem a little unnecessary” Dylan replies giving Jacob a gentle jab in the shoulder “I have to go do the switch announcement in a couple minutes anyway” Dylan adds before turning back to pay attention to the campers. [BANG] Jacob and Dylan turn their head to the noise to see a kid knocked out on the floor and another holding one of the oars, there’s blood. Jacob runs over “What happened?!?!” Jacob asks in a panic “I- I didn’t mean to! He- he wouldn’t leave me alone! I didn’t know what else to do!” One of the smaller male campers explain with tears welling up in his eyes “Hey, hey it’s ok, breathe, Dylan! Take this kid to the infirmary!” Jacob yells, Dylan runs over and carries the unconscious child to the infirmary “Ok, now, what’s your name kid?” Jacob asks calmly “Liam..” The camper answers “Ok Liam, why did you hit him?” Jacob inquires trying not to seem worried “He.. he was making fun of me, saying I was scrawny, a loner, a family mistake while poking me in the head and the sides” Liam explains tears now streaming down his face, Jacob feels a well of anger pool inside him but he takes a deep breath and calms his demeanour “I’ll set you up with a different camper don’t stress” Jacob reassures “I’ll watch over him!” Says one of the female campers “I’m fine with watching over two people!” She adds with a bright smile “well there you go! A new camper already, and don’t worry; she’s lovely” Jacob beams “Thanks Janine!” Jacob says smiling at the girl. Then the speakers blare and Dylans voice plays over “Alright campers! Your time to switch has come now follow your counsellor to your next activity!” “Well you heard him! Let’s go!” Jacob shouts with enthusiasm.

[axesilly]

i cant afford therapy so im going to talk about my troubles on here because i dont know what else to do 👍 i dont know if this will reach anyone but it might make me feel better. sorry if its a bit lengthy, ive had these feelings for a while

for the sake of anonymity and my own safety i will not be mentioning any names of people, towns, or schools :]

so im in college, im an art major. im from a small town with nothing to do except go to a mall the next town over and im going to college in another small town 5 hours away from home. this small town also has jack shit to do unless you drive 45 minute to an hour away. im currently in my spring semester of my freshman year and i have gotten so absolutely mentally and physically drained since i got a fast food job. i got a job making pizzas at yknow one of those big chain corporations pizza places, and the store i work at has only been open a few months. its absolutely chaotic and no one knows how to do anything except a few select people. my boss, the general manager, also doesnt know how to do anything because its his first time doing something like this. one of the other managers also only works there because hes friends with the general manager and he is not the greatest person, as he tends to sexually harrass the staff including a friend i made there. now ive already put in my two weeks last saturday, but that doesnt take away from how drained this job has made me.

Since the spring semester started ive been constantly piled with work (one week i was scheduled 6 days in a row when i had a big project to work on, i had a breakdown at work to my general manager), writing assignments, and project after project. (not even kidding my drawing professor gives us a new project the same day we turn one in) in my senior year of high school i loved fine arts and i believed that i wanted to follow in my art teachers footsteps and pursue my love of art and make art for my career. and while i do still love fine arts and making art, i just cannot do this constantly. since just before my spring break i started not going to my classes as consistently and i swore to myself i would start going again after the break. well that break just made it worse it seems because everything has just gone more and more downhill. i have still been missing classes because some days its difficult to get out of bed and i do not have the motivation to go to class just to sit there and not be able to pay attention for an hour/hour and a half. im behind on a project for one of my classes because i havent gone since ive been back from spring break (two weeks). i have an exam for one of my classes soon and im not even close to prepared. i had a 3 page essay due last night i started but havent finished (luckily i can turn it in a little late). it may sound lazy but these are my real struggles with my mental health. i feel trapped here. i do have a license and a car, i do have transportation so i can go places, but its such an old car it has so many problems (one which has arisen recently being if i stop somewhere and turn my car off, it wont crank back up immediately and i have to wait 10-15 minutes, and once it is on i have to revv it to make sure it stays on). so because of car problems and currently living in a small town im frustrated because it feels like i cant go anywhere to do anything fun. i feel trapped in my dorm and in my mind.

now comes the college problem. the college i go to currently is a nice school, i get 8 meals a week on my meal plan included in my tuition. theres several places to choose from the eat at, theres a gym, free health exams i think. but its driving me insane seeing the same old brick buildings every damn day. i currently dont have a roommate so im in a dorm by myself which probably contributes to this feeling of lonliness. i dont really have many friends, i had more last semester but they did not keep in touch. i do have one friend that i appreciate very much and she always worries and wants to help when she sees im upset. shes a real one. but seeing the same things, learning about the same repetitive lessons every single day, has driven me insane. my art history class has been the same topics since the start of the semester, its all been about works of art pertaining to jesus, and mary, and god and the angel telling mary shes pregnant and marys purity and this symbolizing that and i understand why its important to learn about these works of art and how they have shaped art today, but i cannot stand hearing the same things over and over. im not a christian, and i dont believe theres anything wrong with christianity as long as youre not hurting anyone with your beliefs, but these topics are so repetitive ever class i have. the semesters almost over and we havent even gotten to modern art yet, and in my opinion thats what truly matters to learn about because thats what we as artists would need to look at to have a reference for how we should make our art right? art is about expressing yourself and we need to see how others making art in the modern era are expressing themselves as well. and on the topic of expressing ourselves, my drawing class, every single project, my professor has us stick to such strict criteria. one of my projects my professor actually really liked, i liked, but she took points off because i had my girlfriends name written very small where you could barely even see, because we were not supposed to have any text. i feel like i cannot even be creative and truly express myself with these projects. i dont feel like i have any real freedom with them. i love fine arts and i love making art, but not when its like this. i want to be able to make my own art that actually expresses my feelings, not someone elses criteria. because of all of this my grades have been rapidly dropping.

now i have already made the decision weeks ago that i will not be returning to this school in the next fall semester. i discussed this with my mom already as she does the majority of my paperwork and things for this stuff. she wants me to transfer to a college closer to home so i can atleast get a general studies degree. but thats not what i want to do either. she told me not to flunk my classes this semester because that will make it difficult to transfer me to another school, but how do you expect me to get good grades when i constantly feel like im in hell in my mind. i mentioned wanting to maybe take a gap year, she doesnt want me to do that. school is horrible for my mental health like this, i dont understand why society thinks we should just have everything we want to do with the rest of our life figured out immediately out of high school. well i dont. and i dont want to stay in college immediately out of high school. i want to go live my life! me and my girlfriend are long distance (we have met in person several times and shes actually coming to visit me this month, but just seeing each other for a week at a time is not enough) and i really want to go live with her! i want to enjoy living and living with the person i love more than life itself! i currently dont feel like i can do that here or back home. i want to move somewhere else with my girlfriend so we can both be happy and love life. i want to move out of state to a slightly bigger city, nothing crazy like new york or atlanta, but just somewhere bigger than a small town with nothing to do whatsoever. i do have a place in mind but im not going to say where. and when i move, after a year i can qualify for in state tuition and pursue something that makes me happier. ive always loved animals and marine animals so i was thinking i could major in zoology and marine biology and work at an aquarium or something while im working on my degree. and i dont fully know how the paperwork and things work for transferring and such, especially after a break, so i could be in the wrong, but is it really wrong for wanting the best for myself?

and to be honest with myself i know exactly why im in college and its not to get a degree. i was raised constantly being compared to my siblings. my brother is trans (which my parents are very obviously not too fond of) dropped out of college and joined the military. my sister dropped out of college after a semester, got married to a horrible man who she just recently divorced after having two children with him. and being compared to them all my life, especially to my brother, made me want to be better than them. i wanted to be the one, as the youngest, to be the first one to get through college immediately, all four years, no problem. but its just too much for me. and dropping out, moving away, im terrified. im terrified that my parents will be disappointed in me. im terrified of that face my mother makes, that tone of voice, when shes disappointed in me for something. im terrified of getting lectured and told why everything i want is wrong. its irrational. and im terified if i move away i wont have her support anymore. i wont have her to lean on when i need help with something. i was never taught where to go or how to do stuff for applying to colleges and transferring. i barely know how to do my taxes.

now i really dont know what this article-like rant of a tumblr post is gonna do. i know i dont really have a following and i dont really post on here. but i just thought itd make me feel better to collect my thoughts and put them all together like this. so far the only people concerned about me have been my girlfriend and a couple of my friends ive told about these problems. not even my professors are concerned about me, i havent even gotten a single email or question about how im doing. they say theyre all for mental health but when a student stops coming to class as often suddenly and starts failing or not turning in assignments its none of their business and i must just be getting lazy and im a horrible student yknow? anyways i think thats about it for this. again i dont really know what this will do but i hope someone has advice or support or something. im going insane here.

love to anyone else suffering similar struggles <3

[nathank77]

4/1/24

2:18 a.m Updated/Edited/Added to

So I struggled to fall asleep last night. I took my half at 5 a.m and I still wasn't asleep by like 7:23 a.m so I ended up taking a Benadryl bc I had my eyes closed for over 30 minutes and I just didn't fall asleep. This is two nights in a row I had to mix Benadryl in to fall asleep well sorta. Last night I absolutely did.

The night before that, I snored myself awake. I tried to fall back to sleep and I ended up taking a Benadryl. I haven't touched hydroxyzine though either night. I had to use Benadryl half way through the night when I woke up like 3-4 hours later.

I'm worried the half is losing effectiveness. Yet I started Coq10 the day I snored myself awake.. I did technically fall asleep without the Benadryl but Coq10 can cause insomnia. I don't really think it is...

That night I snored myself awake I was stressed about going to Katie. Last night I really wasn't stressed as I absolved myself from it by writing it out and remembering my true intentions.

Another consideration is I've been on methimazole every other day for at least a week now. My resting heart rate was around 85. Now it's 64... idk... all i know is my appetite is picking up and I'm using the bathroom a little bit more.

I'm still getting cold... idk if I'm normal or going hyper. I won't find out until the 16th. I got to monitor my heart rate and I have more metoprolol, my doctor perscribed me 50mg instead of 100 of succinate incase I go back to hyper... so that could be throwing me off.

Idk what normal feels like. I know what hyper does. And I don't think I'm very hyper if I am. I kinda know what hypo feels like. I was def falling asleep faster when I was hypo...

So all of this can be playing a role. I hate that my thyroid is an experiment right now.. I'm glad I scheduled it for the 16th instead of the 23rd.

I am worried about tepezza still. It can cause autophony, tinnitus and significant hearing loss.

I did a full std panel as it's been over a year since Katie. Everything came back negative. I mean the lot. I got tested for even hepatitis all of them. Syphilis. Hiv. Etc.

Although tbh I have herpes simplex 1. Aka I've had a cold sore before. I've had like 4-6 throughout my life. She did the blood test for herpes 1 and 2... my herpes 1 came back as equivocal. Meaning neither the absence or presence. And my herpes simplex 2 came back positive in the low index category at a 1.6....

I've never had symptoms... the problem with this test is it's got a 1 in 2 chance of being a false positive. Aka 1 in 2 people will have a false positive.

As it only picks up the herpes virus and doesn't distinguish between hsv1 or hsv2.

I forgot to mention to my doctor I have had cold sores... it's factual I have hsv1...

I'm not concerned, as the false positive rate between 1.10 and 3.0 is very high. If I was over 3 it's has a 90% accuracy rate. Under 3 especially under 2 and closer to 1, it's very inaccurate.

I got a 1.6, 1 in 2 tests are a false positive. They discorage doctors from doing the test for a reason unless the person has symptoms and I never have.

The issue with this test is in order to be certain they have to order an inhibitor test to inhibit hsv2.. and if that comes back positive you have asymptomatic hsv2.

Incase Elise is reading this I want this out in the open. I do not have hsv2. I'm going to ask for the inhibitor test in May for my next appt to keep it on the down low, I don't want the office staff thinking I have genital herpes.

If i knew how inaccurate it was I wouldn't have done it. Basically the test only looks for the herpes virus and can't distinguish between hsv1 or hsv2.

Getting equivocal on hsv1... and knowing I've had cold sores is an almost guarantee the hsv1 test didn't pick it up bc it was an inadequate sample. While the hsv2 picked it up bc it can't distinguish between the two.

My lab results say it very well can be a false positive and I need the inhibitor test to confirm as my index is low...

Tbh I'm not anxious about it at all. I know bc it can't distinguish between the two, it picked up that I infact do have the herpes virus but it's hsv1 aka cold sores. Mouth herpes. I'm not anxious, I know I'm right bc of my research.

Of course I'm worried that Elise would be hesitant to be with me, if she loved me if I did the inhibitor test and it came back positive. I'd never lie. Just bc I am asymptomatic doesn't mean my next partner will be. However I know bc of my research it's a false positive. And my hsv1 test was a false negative for sure.

With that being said of course I'm worried about the stigma and if it was a real positive that no one would be with me. Despite this I know it's a false positive and I'll stick the course and get the inhibitor test.

I've never had symptoms, that does not mean you can't have it. However I've thought long and hard about who I have had genital to genital contact with.

It's been like 2 people. I've had a decent amount of oral sex in the past but I was like between 14-18.

Genital to genital, it was seriously two people.

I truly don't think I have it. I think I have a false positive that picked up the hsv1 virus...

If I did the inhibitor test, and found out I had both I'd write that here as I'd never try to pull the wool over someone's eyes, as me being asymptomatic doesn't mean the other person will be....

Either way I know in my heart it's hsv1 cause of my past symptoms and I read the research.

Despite this, if Elise does love me, I want her to know there is a chance I'm an asymptomatic carrier. Although I feel it's a 3% chance given they can't distinguish between hsv1 and hsv2 without the inhibitor.

If my test results read that they used the inhibitor, I would feel very differently but Quest is saying don't diagnosis him do the inhibitor.

So yea maybe reading that kept me up last night cause I did a lot of research.

I got to submit a urine test for the last two std tests.

I have a feeling once I do that inhibitor test I'll have a clean bill of health minus hsv1 cause yea I got it.

I hope Elise would still be with me regardless of if it's hsv1 only or both. Although I wouldn't blame her if she wouldn't.

Although I do think that inhibitor test will show what I've been writing about. The cdc discourages using the test she used on me. Either way safe sex is important.

So I'll do the test and if I happen to have hsv2, well I guess whoever I end up with has to love me despite this. It's going to be hard to sell myself as a transman ingeneral but with hsv2 I might as well expect to spend my life alone.

I refuse to pull the wool over anyone's eyes though but I'm sure in May I'll be saying I have confirmed hsv1 and my hsv2 test came back negative.

If you're reading this and you're not in love with me you probably shouldn't read every entry cause I get kinda personal here. This truly is my dairy.

If you do love me, if the test goes badly I hope it won't change your feelings for me. Although I do truly think it is a false positive.

[austincharcoal]

OCTOBER 2023 MEDITATION LOG

this was inspired by an assignment in my english 101 class. it prompted us to watch/read some mainstream articles/vids about meditation and try meditating for 3 days in a row, then write about it.

Fri, Sep 29    1:05am           Watched the Light Watkins TedX video. Interest was piqued when he said that meditation brings a deeper rest than is possible in sleep. Then he went on and on about the difference in biological age when you meditate. Excited to try more rigorous meditation schedule. Meditated 1:35-1:45am, was really nice. Came close to falling asleep a couple times, I am very tired. Felt grateful to be living in the city hearing rain sounds on the street.

Sat, Sep 30   9:01pm           Took a break from anatomy notes & electronic music to meditate 10 mins. Had a hard time keeping my mind off [redacted]. The things that were difficult then would be easier now that I’ve matured and relaxed a bit. But [redacted].

Sun, Oct 1     10:38am        Tried to do 10 min meditation during AA meeting but had to poop after like 4 mins. Did 10 full mins after meeting ended. It’s easier in the mornings, but I can feel I have lost the groove to a large degree. Still, morning meditation is simpler. By the evening my brain is usually in full pleasure-seeking mode. Mornings I’m usually reeling a bit from soreness and stiffness.

Mon, Oct 2    8:45pm           Did 10 mins sitting up. It’s wild how my body is aware that it’s tired but my mind ignores it, until I try to meditate sitting up and have to fight off sleep over and over. Maybe I should turn in early tonight. When I was awake, I was releasing thoughts about food and women, as usual. Laughed a bit to myself remembering how excited [redacted] was to find the “hidden veggies” pasta recipe on TikTok.

Tue, Oct 3     1:19pm           Late start today. Brewed coffee then laid down to meditate before drinking it. Lot of sexy thoughts bouncing around! Hard to bring my racing mind down today. Probably because I didn’t sleep well. This is somehow becoming both a mediation and a sleep log.

Wed, Oct 4    9:40am           10 min meditation during morning meeting.

Thu, Oct 5     12:28pm        Had been sinking into phone-greyout, scrolling haze, absolute oblivion, and needed a break. 10 min meditation was the only thing that could work. Counted breaths for most of the 10 mins, after english prof. explained during class that counting breaths is the important part of '20 breaths' meditation. It def helped during 10 min meditation. Leg pain was distracting so toward the end started stretching a bit. Feel refreshed and ready to sit down for some studying before work.

Fri, Oct 6        11:52am         Watched the Andy Puddicombe Ted Talk. I liked his analogy about knowing you have a loose tooth and continuing to mess with it even though you’re in pain. Meditated for 10 mins. Feel less overwhelmed about how many things I need to do this afternoon. I’m calmer and more apt to work through them in an organized manner without resorting to distractions. Thought about what to say to [redacted], thought about doing dishes and stretching and listening to new Drake album and taking anatomy notes and making a doctor’s appointment. Tried to recenter and focus on breaths a few times.

Sat, Oct 7      10:30am        Meditated during morning meeting.

Sun, Oct 8     9:51am           Meditated during morning meeting. Thought about my plans for the day (going to NYC to have dinner with my aunt), thought about my mom and my grandma, thought about the family counselor Dr. Prakash who taught me to meditate in 4th grade. Used breath counting to help 'let go' of thoughts and return to quiet mind.

Mon, Oct 9    9:50am           Meditated during morning meeting but was kinda drifting in and out of sleep.

                        8:45pm           Went to [redacted]. It got kinda intense but [redacted]. Decided to decompress by meditating together for 10 minutes. It was beautiful and memorable.

Tue, Oct 10   2:10pm           Read ½ of NYT meditation article then set 10 min timer to meditate. Lots of thoughts running through my head, I can be so obsessive about personal stuff. Was good to have a break from that, even though I didn’t really want the break, I wanted to keep obsessing. Post-break though, I feel better. Body is really sore since I’ve gotten 17k steps, two days in a row. So before the 10 mins were up I got out of my chair and started doing some stretches with eyes closed. Love combining stretches and closed eye meditation. Definitely feel better now, and my 'mindfulness muscle' is getting a tiny bit stronger each day. I find it easier to return to the centered calmness of counting breaths.

Wed, Oct 11                          Didn’t meditate

Thu, Oct 12   10:47am        Meditated 10 mins after morning meeting. Really out of the groove today but tried to just count 100 breaths. Thought about chopping wood for work, about sex, about being messy in romantic relationships, about stretching after meditation, about the kid in my math class who seems to be following along better than anyone else.

Fri, Oct 13                             Didn’t meditate

Sat, Oct 14    9:45am           Meditated during morning meeting.

Sun, Oct 15   2:01pm           Took a break from studying anatomy to meditate. Was sort of fighting off sleep part of the time. Said simple prayers to ask for God’s will to be done, and to discover what that will is. Prayed also for a loving and generous spirit in my heart.

Mon, Oct 16  11:00pm         Meditated 10 mins after looking at Twitter/Reddit for ~3 hours. I think I need to try 15 or 20 minute meditations because sometimes I find myself totally distracted and overstimulated for more than half of a 10 minute meditation. That was the case this time. At some points I opened my eyes and just stared at the wall to keep from thinking about downtown Montreal, or applying to a Master’s program in 5 years, or how I had a bad attitude at work the other day.

Tue, Oct 17   12:14pm        Been feeling emotionally unhinged lately, lowkey lashing out at people. Trying to redirect. Meditation is a good starting place. Meditated 10 minutes and had to stop myself over and over from planning out my day. How much time will I spend in the restaurant working on prep? How much time on schoolwork? Will I have time to pick up a cleaning project? Could I meditate for 10 minutes on the clock? Who will I see there and what will the vibe be when I talk to them? Used breath counting to reel in some of the thoughts. Asked God for help. I have a long way to go toward being centered, organized, disciplined. Please, God, help me make some progress today.

Wed, Oct 18                          Didn’t meditate

Thu, Oct 19   10:30am        Meditated in morning meeting. Feel at peace with my life, with who I am and where I’m at, with my propensity for anxiety, for mistakes, for seeing things through a distorted lens. I’m gonna keep learning and I’m gonna be okay.

Fri, Oct 20     10:30am        Meditated in morning meeting. Had trouble staying quiet mentally. In the meeting we talked about the 'confusion' that exists without a spiritual connection. Thought about how meditation and confusion are like exact opposites. Lot of confusion and noise for me lately. Meditation must be one of the main solutions. Not just meditation but a meditation practice. Prayer as well, I need more of that. Talked about meditation with my sponsor later. He recommended I try the 'toes-to-head' meditation.

Sat, Oct 21    9:00am           Made coffee then meditated for 10 mins before meeting.

                        9:45am           Meditated for 10 mins in morning meeting. It felt good to get more time in. Would like to do one longer session but 10x2 was easy and felt very calming.

Sun, Oct 22   9:30am           Set a timer and laid on yoga mat to meditate for 10 minutes. Said a prayer for my mom and grandma, who are going through a difficult time. Had to keep returning to baseline as I kept fantasizing about sex with [redacted], who I’ve been texting. Sex is a constant refrain for my tired brain, I think I’m subconsciously convinced that there’s some simple relief there. But intellectually I know it’s never that simple, relationships are complicated and usually come with more stress than being single. Important to talk myself down from these underlying desires.

Mon, Oct 23                          Didn’t meditate. Busy day, but I think I need to start finding more time. It’s possible to replace some of my phone-scrolling time with meditation every day, sometimes I just don’t do it. This log is helping me stay accountable and showing me what I need to change to meditate more.

Tue, Oct 24   12:45pm        Meditated 10 mins laying on yoga mat. Was really able to start calm with deep breaths, maybe because I was laying down. Often I start with a hectic mind and try to calm it for the first 5 mins.

Wed, Oct 25  10:30am        Didn’t meditate? Can’t remember

Thu, Oct 26   11:45am         Meditated 10 mins. Sick with a cold, hopefully not worse. Did not want to meditate but do feel a bit better

Fri, Oct 27     9:48pm           Meditated 8 mins. Got antsy during the last two. Feeling very baby because the cold is actually a flu or something. Lots of schoolwork to do before tomorrow night. Trying to stay calm and not get overwhelmed.

Sat, Oct 28    8:15pm           Meditated 10 mins which led to me napping for another 30. Very ill but still going to work and studying. Sad!

Sun, Oct 29                           Did not meditate. Walked for 2 hours listening to an old interview with Brad Phillips, he talked a lot about 12 step program, psychedelic drug experiences, Zen vs. Tibetan Buddhism. Helpful for pondering meditation and how to consider it in my life.

Mon, Oct 30  10:45am        Meditated 10 mins after morning meeting. Health is improving slightly. Trying to spend the day doing work, chores, service to others, or meditative things like prayer, listening to spiritual talks, walking. Trying to leave alone the chaotic, noisy things that are really perpetuating my discomfort and dissatisfaction.

Tue, Oct 31   2:03pm           Meditated 10 mins after writing for English class, before going for a walk and calling my sponsor. Turns out I had covid. At least it's almost over. Same with October. What's next.

[timeoverload]

I'm glad today is over. I haven't been in a very good mood. I woke up this morning at 3:30 after a nightmare. I tried to go back to bed but then I had 2 more in a row. They have been extremely vivid lately. I felt very uncomfortable and disoriented after that. It was hard to get out of bed.

I didn't have any eye cases scheduled this afternoon so I spent a lot of my time wrapping total pans and loading autoclaves. I spent most of my lunch break making phone calls and I didn't have time to get food so that made me feel like shit. I have been eating a lot better recently so that threw me off.

They gave me a 2 hour decontam shift at the end of the day. 6 cases got done while I was back there and most of them were totals so there was a lot to clean. The instruments seemed bloodier than usual and I think the techs were too lazy to wipe things off in the operating room like they are supposed to. I had to pick cement off of impactors which is something that we're not supposed to have to worry about anymore since it's the tech's job to remove it in the room before it hardens. A lot of sets were mixed together so I had to take extra time to sort things out. They were all just trying to go home and someone even left a patella on the dirty cart. It's definitely not the first time that has happened to me but it pisses me off when they don't even try to make our jobs easier. It's not my job to dispose of body parts but I still get stuck doing it sometimes. I didn't expect to have to close decontam either so it ended up being 2 and a half hours instead. It was so hot and I got so sweaty. The dirty water soaked through my gown so I was drenched when I got done. I felt so gross afterward. I just hate being trapped in that room because it's such a miserable place to be. I don't want to do it anymore.

I was glad that I got to leave once I had everything cleaned up. I hobbled out of there as fast as I could. I threw up in the parking lot when I got to my car because I overdid it.

I came home and took a shower immediately and made some food so I feel a little better I guess. I'm sore now though and I lifted too much today. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because I have 30 eye cases and there are 20 total joint surgeries. There are also a lot of robotic surgeries and other procedures. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 2 days but I know I will somehow. I will probably be crabby.

I'm a little disappointed because I can't go fishing with the person that invited me to go with her a couple weeks ago. For some reason she had the impression that I had my own fishing pole and access to a kayak. She never told me I needed to have that stuff initially so I was confused. I also didn't realize that she was expecting me to drive like 3 hours to the lake by myself. It seems like she has been trying to dissuade me from wanting to go like she regrets asking me in the first place. She goes fishing with the autoclave repair man. He's a nice guy but I'm not sure if I want to hang out with him outside of work. I think they have something going on between them so I don't really want to be a third wheel anyway. I guess they text all the time. He has mentioned in the past that he's unhappily married so it makes me uncomfortable. I shouldn't make assumptions like that but I would like to avoid being put in an awkward situation. Their relationship is none of my business so I want to stay out of it. I probably shouldn't try to hang out with people from work anyway. I used to try to do that years ago but it never ended well. It just starts drama. I'm just too boring and weird and don't have much in common with anyone. I guess I will keep being a hermit. I'm really bummed out because summer is already almost over and I didn't get to do anything that I wanted to do.

I've also been stressed about my kitties all day too. All 3 of them are overdue for check-ups. They are behind on vaccinations and licensing. They deserve better and I feel like a bad cat mom. They are just hard for me to transport. Harry is very heavy and Soupy and Salazaar have to go together because they freak out if they get separated. I need to get them new carriers. I hope that I can figure out a way to get them to the vet soon because I've been worried about them. I want to get them a new cat tree and new toys too but I need to get caught up on some more of my bills first. I feel like I haven't been able to give them the attention they need.

I decided that I'm going to stay home next Wednesday and Thursday because I need a vacation and I have been saving my sick days. I'm planning on getting some things sorted out during that time. I'm going to try to be productive and get more organized. I am lucky that there aren't any eye cases scheduled Tuesday afternoon so I can go to my appointment without it being a hassle and I don't need to find someone to cover for me. I lied to my boss and told her that I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday and I needed to leave a little early and she said that was fine. I had to say I was going to the doctor and not the tattoo shop because I didn't want to get denied. I'm hoping that next week will be better than this one has been so far. I'm looking forward to having some extra time off. I also have my ultrasound next Friday. I'm not excited to do that but at least I am getting it taken care of so I can figure out what's wrong with me.

I'm so tired right now. I don't think I will be able to stay up very late tonight. I hope I can have some good dreams for once. I'm all ready for bed and I'm going to try to relax for a while. I need to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. I'm trying to stay optimistic that it will be better than I'm expecting it to be. I will try to make it a good day.

[melissa-driggers-photography]

The Motherhood Project | Chantilly VA Photography

With Mother's Day just around the corner, it was the perfect time to reflect back on The Motherhood Project, our Chantilly VA photography session honoring motherhood in many different ways. I'm so lucky to have such amazing colleagues in the area so it was an absolute honor when Jessica Ryles Photography asked me to collaborate on this project with her. As a styled maternity and in-home lifestyle newborn photographer, it was a no brainer to accept the invitation and get to work!  

The Motherhood Project

This project was a labor of love that started back in January. Jessica and I met to discuss everything. We came up with a plan for what exactly we wanted to achieve and how we wanted to achieve it, and we set to work. We spent a good bit of time in February getting all of our ducks in a row before we opened up our application for models. Once the applications were open, we were thrilled with how many mommas were interested in working on this project with us! It was so exciting! By mid-March, we decided it was time to get together again to go through all of our over 50 applicants and narrow it down to our 6 models that we wanted for the project. Let me tell you, it was not easy! We seriously had some amazing applicants! We knew we wanted diversity, and we knew we wanted to showcase the different methods of feeding our babies. Once we had our choices narrowed down, we emailed our applicants and scheduled virtual calls to go over all the details with everyone. Once everyone was committed, we ordered the dresses for everyone, and then it was just time to keep in touch and wait. When our session date was getting closer, Jessica and I started to stalk the weather forecast, like most outdoor photographers do when it's session time! We quickly realized that we may have to postpone our project. Thankfully we had a rain date already set up, and although we had to replace one of our models last minute due to the reschedule, everything turned out wonderfully. We held our Chantilly VA photography session on our rain date, and the weather cooperated! It was such a pleasure getting work with these six moms and their little ones at Ellanor C Lawrence Park in Chantilly! Jessica and I split up our time to maximize the session. Jessica took majority of the large group and small group photos while I took photos for the moms individually as a thank you for participating. All the mommas have now had their photo reveals and received the photos that they wanted, and our project has come to a close. It truly feels like it was just yesterday that Jessica and I met the first time to discuss the project! But time goes by quickly, and that's one of the reasons why we as photographers do what we do. We freeze time, even if only for an evening. So without further ado, I want to share a few of my favorite individual photos from the beautiful mommas that modeled for us!  

  The Motherhood Project | Chantilly VA Photography

  If you'rereading this and are in need of a photographer, I would love to talk to you! I offer styled maternity sessions with client closet access and in-home lifestyle newborn sessions where I come to the comfort of your home to capture your first days with your little bundle of joy! Reach out today and let's chat!   For motherhood content on the blog, check out these articles: - Premier Birth Center Chantilly | 16 Informative Questions for Expecting Moms - An FAQ Interview with Thrive Breastfeeding for Moms-to-Be Read the full article

[lucysweatslove]

Journal 8/22/22

Over the weekend, Husband and I visited my family (Thursday and Friday) and then went to a water park on Saturday. I’ve been having some trouble with self image with my current weight but kinda took a “fuck it” approach. Nobody made comments and frankly if they did I would’ve probably ranged at them.

That night after the water park my husband’s oldest childhood friend, who happened to get married in a small courthouse ceremony with a little reception and his parents’ house in July and is having his big wedding in Brazil next year (his wife is Brazilian), asked his to be in his bridal party. From what his wife has said, it is customary/tradition not to have the standard bridesmaids and groomsmen but for them to each choose couples- so each will have 6 people total, 3 couples, as their bridal party. Husband’s friend is asking his older sister and her husband, another friend and that friend’s wife, and then my husband and then by virtue me too. With possibly getting into med school it might be difficult for me to orchestrate but I will be going in with the “I have already made a large commitment to do this, I am willing to adjust my test schedule or find a way to do something online if I need to, but this is a non-negotiable upcoming event” so hopefully we can adjust any conflict. He was my husband’s best man so this is very important.

Anyway part of this is like… I dunno. I want to not have the same fears and hang ups about my body during the ceremony and events. I want to look nice in photos so nobody makes comments about it. I want to- obviously- feel confident and like I’m physically capable to do things down in Brazil for fun. But I don’t exactly know how to navigate and reconcile all of that with also not wanting to go back into disordered behavior.

I had originally intended to just create a workout schedule I adjust every 6-12 weeks and be mindful of eating, with today as my first day back to the gym, but idk. Husband started the day with getting us doughnuts and red bull 😅Right now I’m contemplating going to the gym, going to sleep, doing laundry, etc. While I technically planned to be at the gym already (planned to leave maybe 25 min ago), I feel kind of hungry but have no idea what I want to eat, and I’m exhausted from a long weekend and little sleep. I also have PT in the morning, and I feel really uncomfortable in my body which makes me feel uncomfortable at the gym. Plus with PT and my back spasms and pain, I worry about being too aggressive.

So yeah, idk, my decision paralysis will probably keep me at home, and then I will probably do some light cardio tonight on the exercise bike and maybe some very light “ease back into it” types of dumbbell exercises at home. Maybe curls, chest press, shoulder press, and one-arm rows though I’ll have to look up what gets at the lats and delts more to know for sure what I want to do.

[tomhollandaise]

I'm so fucking close to quitting my job 🙃

[twistedmusings]

How the dorm leaders react when they catch you kissing someone from their dorm [Part 2]

A/N: AND HERE IT IS! Oh my god I still can't believe I managed to get this done! I actually stayed on task! Honestly these three were probably my favourite from the original post, I've had far too much fun writing these bois.

And what can I say? Playfully flirty MC is a good MC u wu

Warnings: Heavy smooching, possessive talk, and the reader just really pushing the dorm leader's buttons~

Part 1 here!

“How dare you...?”

Vil was more than happy to be coming back to Pomefiore with all the stuff that had happened today. Classes were more annoying than usual, he had to chase Leona down to tell him to get his work done and there had been some problems in the modeling studio that caused the lights to be brighter than usual and now he had a headache that only a nap could fix.

Thing was, if he wanted to keep his schedule as tight as possible he would need to stay awake for...another 6 hours.

One good thing was waiting for him though. Rook had greeted him at the entrance and let him know that the Ramshackle prefect was in the dorm today as per his request.

Good.

This would keep him awake. He remembers promising you a lesson in proper skincare in order to remedy whatever you did once you woke up in the morning. Deep in the back of his head he remembers you telling him that you just splash cold water on your face but he preferred to think that you at least put some sort of moisturizer. Maybe.

He rushes to his room to freshen up and makes sure that he has the materials he needs. Vil had decided that his own brand of face cleansing products would be a good start for your skin. The tingles in his fingertips went ignored as he thought of you thinking about him in the morning. It wasn’t that sort of thing at all, he reminded himself. Dorm leaders were supposed to help each other out, despite how often they were at each other’s throats, and he was just fulfilling his role not just as a dorm leader but as a...friend.

Vil takes one last look at the mirror and makes his way down the row of rooms in Pomefiore to reach the Lounge, only to stop when he sees you being pulled into one of the many rooms by what was clearly a Pomefiore’s students hand.

Wait what?

It’s almost alarming how quickly he approaches the door and puts his foot in it, choosing to stay quiet as he sees that the two people in the room didn’t even bother to wonder why the door hadn’t closed all the way. The student was pressing kisses against your lips in small intervals, choosing instead to talk as you run your hands up the expensive purple robe and taking in the little designs.

“I had a new lip scrub I wanted you to try out.”

“Really? Then why aren’t we in the bathroom?"

“That’s rather forward for a dorm leader. Is everyone in Ramshackle this daring?”

Vil couldn’t even pinpoint the student’s name. That was your first offense. The only thing he remembers about him is the man’s caramel brown hair and how it contrasted beautifully against his dark skin. After that, nothing could pop into his head that would make that student even remotely interesting for you to be hanging off of him like that! Of all the people to be with, it just had to be a nameless potato, didn’t it?

The hairs at the back of his head stand up as the potato hands you what he believes to be the best lip scrub in the business, which only makes the alarms in Vil’s head go off even louder. That brand wasn’t even known for doing lip scrubs! In fact, they once put out a three in one shampoo/conditioner and the fact that the student even had that brand in the dorms and you just blatantly accepting it was your second offense.

And as much as he wanted to focus on that being the thing that truly bothered him, he felt the alarms deafening him as he saw the potato’s hands wrap around your waist as he kissed you again, your lips parting to let him inside.

He shouldn’t be looking at this, he should be leaving and just leave you to your own devices. The lesson wasn’t important, you weren’t that important to him--

Amethyst eyes widen when you tilt your head as the student starts kissing down your neck, already choosing one spot to make his own as he licks and nips at the skin while you dig your fingers into his robe.

Vil didn’t really know how to describe the sudden surge of energy that caused him to fling the door open and grab the student by the back of his robe and pull him backwards, eyes glaring at you the entire time as you whisper his name, as if suddenly remembering that you had a previous engagement before this whole ‘sticking your tongue down a Pomefiore student’s throat’’ business.

“Prefect. My room. Now.”

You put your hands up and walk out of the room without looking at him, Vil letting go of the student’s robes and walking out after you. He didn’t even need to tell him that he was in trouble, the student would realize it soon enough once Rook delivered the chores that needed to be done by tonight.

A list only that student would be getting instead of the entire dorm.

Vil closes the door of his room and turns the lock rather harshly, looking back at you sitting at the edge of his bed still staring at the window. You weren’t trying to defend yourself, you weren’t even looking at him.

“I hate to be kept waiting, Prefect. Not just that, it is extremely rude to keep someone waiting just so you can fraternize with someone in my dorm.”

No answer. He grabs his desk chair and sits down so he can face you directly.

“What made you go and pick that potato?”

“Why would that be any of your business Vil-senpai?”

It was very much his business, if you asked him. He would have been okay if it was Epel or even Rook that you had picked to make out with but he wasn’t just going to stand around and watch as one of the student’s whose name he didn’t even know threw all of his work out of the window! So he asked the question again, this time getting a chuckle as an answer which only served to upset him even more.

“Out of anyone in my dorm you could have picked, you had to go with someone who offers you such a low quality brand of lip scrub?”

“That is your problem with this? What he offered me? Me and him just started hanging out, we know nothing about each other! I just wanted to change that.”

His headache was coming back again.

Vil put hard work into everything he did. That was his work ethic and people be damned if they thought it was too much. Maybe they couldn’t handle it but they still respected it, respected his craft and the work he put into it.

So why do you, of all of his recent projects, disrespect him so blatantly?

It was clear you weren’t ready yet, Vil wasn’t done working with you yet. After doing something like this, and right inside his dorm, he knew that you had just taken all of the careful brushes and strokes he had decorated your canvas with…

And burnt it right in front of his eyes.

Which is why he didn’t necessarily feel any guilt when he grabbed your cheeks and pulled his own lipstick out of his back pocket, ignoring your protests.

“Quiet.”

He applies the shade quickly and before you have any chance to protest, pushes his lips against yours.

The kiss is anything but sweet. It’s almost punishing. Vil was reminding you that you were a work in progress. He still had so much left to teach you, so much left to work with you and if you kept rushing things you were going to make him mad. Once he was done with you, you could go about your pitiful little life and kiss whoever you wanted and he wouldn’t even bat an eyelash.

A hand grasps at his wrists as you press his palms on your cheeks, your tongue gently pressing against his lips so you could slip inside--

Nevermind. This sort of impatient kissing would also have to go.

He pulls away and pushes you onto the mattress, your eyes hazy with eagerness and confusion as Vil removes his jacket and gloves and leans down to trap you below him.

“Were you this greedy with him? Did he also get this treatment from you? No, don’t answer. I fear I’ll only get angrier if you do. Now be an obedient little potato and stay still, the first thing I’ll fix is that messy kissing of yours.”

“ :( “

Snacks runs had to be the most annoying and heart pounding of his usual daily life quests. If waking up was a struggle enough, especially when no special loot such as new anime or manga was available, it was hard to complete such basic tasks without some sort of incentive.

Although Idia guessed that not dying of starvation was enough of an incentive.

He walks down the corridor of his own dorm, humming a quiet tune to himself as he looks down at all the snacks he had acquired. Which, score! They even had a limited edition chip flavor that came with the card of one of his favourite idols! It took everything in his power to not just spend all of his money on more than one bag but he had such a good day today that he knew his gacha pull luck just had to be good.

The door to a room behind him opens, Idia quickly picking up his pace and hiding behind a corner as he looks at who it could be. He isn't against anyone in his dorm but...he didn't have the means to engage in any conversation that wasn't about his current FPS game or Gakemo so--

"Thank you for the help! I thought my phone was beyond repair!"

His hands tighten around the chips pressed tight to his chest, eyes wide in surprise as he sees you stepping out of the room.

Of all people...why were you here so late?

The student laughs as he scratches the back of his head, handing you back your phone and looking away.

“No--No problem! I...I honestly didn’t think you would come to me for help. I integrated the newest magical technology on it as well as voice activated features and a--a brand new messaging app that sends messages faster!”

Idia clicked his tongue as he heard the student speak. Look at him showing off. You didn’t know that he was taking advantage of your naive mind! You didn’t know anything about magic so, of course, all those features would sound fancy!

When it was literally taking your phone and just downloading some fancy new apps on it!

Yet there you were, marveling down at it as if you had just gotten the latest version.

Well maybe he shouldn’t complain too much, even from here he could see your smile. A part of him worried that all this luck he was suddenly getting would affect the luck he would get on his chip bag but...you were worth it.

Such a rare event shouldn’t be left unnoticed.

Maybe...maybe if he stayed here you could walk by and he could open up the ‘bumping into each other late at night’ event?

“So how can I repay you? Do you need anything done?”

Idia tunes back into the conversation as he frowns, looking back at the two of you as the student looks at every single corner of the ceiling instead of looking at you.

Payment? The guy had just downloaded a couple of apps that wasn’t good enough reason to offer some sort of payment. He frowns and taps his foot impatiently as the guy stutters out a few excuses before finally giving you an answer.

“A ki--A kiss? Would that be alright?”

The Ignihyde dorm leader almost falls down as he hears that, retreating further into his corner as he glared daggers at the guy who had just dared to ask for such a bold request.

A k--kis--kiss? A kiss...from you?

This guy was starting to piss him off! He should just be content staring at you! You were a SSR character all on your own! That guy should be happy he even got to talk to you at all and shouldn’t ask for more than he was given! He already rolled for such a life changing event why would he even want more!

His eyes soften when he sees you mull it over. It was okay, you could reject him. Such a guy wouldn’t even be worthy of a kiss from you so you so all you had to do was say no! Go on, [Y/N], just reject hi--

Idia can feel his heart breaking as his muscles stop working, dropping all of his stuff on the floor with a thud as the sound echoes. Yet it went ignored, the other two people in the hallway too busy with their own activities.

When...when had you even kissed him? Idia only remembers you putting your phone away and the moment he blinked you had already pressed your lips against that other guy--!

He should be leaving, why isn’t he moving?

The student’s hand goes to your waist as you deepen it, his face turning a deep shade of red as you pull away and tap his lips.

“Was that your first kiss?”

“...y--yes..”

You were smiling and giving him such a rare, almost ultimately rare item and Idia didn’t know how long he could stare until he combusted.

So all he could do was turn around…

And run as fast as he could.

He ignored the familiar voice calling out his name, footsteps quickly following him as he started to run out of breath.

Making a poor otaku like him run, even now you were still being so cruel to him!

Idia’s door slides open as he bursts inside, ready to bury himself in his bed and never come out again--!

Only to stop when he hears you hiss in pain.

Blue eyes turn around to see your foot jammed into his doorway, not allowing the electric door to slide closed. A part of him wants to immediately go to you and ask if you were alright but he stops himself as the image of your kiss flashes through his mind again.

“[Y/N]-shi! W--What--!”

You rub at your foot and sigh, walking in with a confused look as Idia presses his back against his bookshelf. He knew it. If a SSR character could be brought to real life, this is the sort of power they would have over him.

The kind of aura you were emitting was enough for him to want to get on his knees, but he chose to remain strong.

“I was calling out to you…didn’t you hear me?”

Idia turns his head and looks at the floor, the pain still raw and emotionally taxing than what he was used to. Disappointment was one thing but heartbreak was a complete other monster!

“Shouldn’t--Shouldn’t you be with your boyfriend?”

He spits the word out, annoyed that a guy from his dorm could unlock...no...could get someone like you. You were open to every single activity Idia gave you, you gave him good feedback and didn’t get scared when you two disagreed on something. Every manga he gave you, you read and every anime he told you to watch, you would watch it.

You were receptive, you were attentive, you were what Idia wanted in a real life friend!

He hadn’t dared hope for more!

That still didn’t mean he couldn’t fantasize when he was all by himself.

“Boyfriend…?”

You tilt your head in confusion before chuckling as you realized what had happened.

“Oh so you saw that.”

Is that all you were going to say?! You had just taken his heart and crushed it into tiny little pieces and you were just going to talk about what a pervert he was being!

Someone just KO him now, like right now!

“Yes...I saw. So what? You were just ki-kissi--doing that thing from everyone to see! So you should just go back to him instead of bullying me in my own room!”

Please just leave, he wanted to cry in peace.

Yet you stubbornly remain, just like the first time he met you.

“Idia I don’t know what crazy assumptions you are making but that guy isn’t my boyfriend.”

You put up one finger.

“He fixed my phone…”

Another one follows after.

“And he asked for a kiss for payment. Simple as that. You shouldn’t act like you caught us doing something major. It was just a kis---”

Large hands land on your shoulders as Idia now stands in front of you, head hung low as he mutters something to himself.

“Just a kiss….just a kiss.”

You jump as he gets close to your face, eyes staring at you pleadingly as he cupped your face.

“JUST A KISS? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? AN EXTRA RARE CHARACTER SUCH AS YOURSELF SHOULDN’T BE GIVING OUT SUCH RARE ITEMS LIKE THAT!”

He shakes you back and forth.

“IF YOUR KISS WAS JUST NORMAL THEN EVEN I...I COULD--”

Idia’s eyes fall on your lips, the rush of adrenaline mixed in with his built up desire for you all culminating in two choices popping up in his head. And for the first time, he knew that hesitation was not an option.

So he dives in.

His lips met yours roughly, not really moving them or anything but just pressing them against you. You put your hands gently on his chest but he takes it as a protest, which only causes him to push them onto yours even more.

This was...disastrous.

He had never kissed anyone before. How in the world did he think that he would be able to kiss you? Ah, maybe this was a dream? Right! He had just dreamed all of this up and you didn’t really force your way into his room to confront him!

His hair flares up when you cup his face, pushing him away slightly and tilting him in such a way that your lips would meet in a much softer fashion. He looks down and sees you closing your eyes, following in your footsteps and melting inside your kiss.

You both pull away slowly, Idia opening his eyes and blushing when he sees you licking your lips and sending him a teasing grin.

A rare sight...made only for him.

“I feel like I just spent all my stamina on this one event...so I don’t want to go unrewarded. Can we go further? I want to go further. What option do I have to pick for you to do that again, [Y/N]?”

“Don’t touch them.”

“YOUNG MASTER! WHERE ARE YOU!”

Malleus sighs as he looks on at the Diasmonia students gathered around the outskirts of the school, smiling as he sees Sebek directing them each and every way. Sebek really didn’t give up, did he? One of his classes had been canceled and he was eager to see the gargoyles around Ramshackle in a much better light but he figured Sebek would cause up a stir when he didn’t find him in his classroom.

As much as he appreciated him, Sebek didn’t have to walk him to every single class.

He sighs and goes deeper into the woods behind Ramshackle, the small broken path there leading him down a familiar terrain.

This is where he usually walked with you, after all.

Seeing this place in bright light was so very different. Instead of it being illuminated by his lights, the sun peeked out from over the trees and provided a sunny trail instead of the usual moonlight. He took a deep breath as he breathed in the smell of flowers all around, all of them growing wildly around him and defying any human to try and tame them.

His fingers trace some of the thorns he found on some of them, the flowers attracted to his touch and moving closer to his hands as a small vine wrapped around his finger.

All with his magic’s help after all.

This was his safe space. Malleus would come here during his first and second year and lose himself in the wilderness. In here no one would fear him. Here every single thing was responsive to his touches and even dared to touch back. Some of the wild rose bushes also reminded him of him, Malleus adding a bit more thorns around the flowers as in to emulate the very home he missed.

In this lonely place, he flourished.

But it wasn’t so lonely now, was it?

His third year had brought one big surprise. A human. A child of man who did not know who he was or what he was capable of. They looked at him as if he was just any other stranger roaming around their dorm and not the next ruler of the Valley of Thorns.

And Malleus, being the very curious person he is, found himself pulled to your inattentiveness.

He had dropped many hints that he was eager to get to know you more, relishing in the fact that you two were starting to get closer. And while he had hoped to keep his identity a secret a bit longer, he found it almost unbearable for you to not know who he was.

If you were so open with who you were, then he should show you the same kind of respect.

How wonderful that you were now on a first name basis with each other.

Malleus could walk over to Ramshackle dorm now and knock on your door without hesitation, smiling as he sees your excitement at just what places you two would discover in the dead of night.

Bummer you couldn’t be with him now.

He had seen you come out of your dorm and ask Sebek if he needed any help, to which the fae replied rather rudely that no human could ever track down his young master, so he was a bit reluctant to discover any more places without you by his side.

These walks were something you two did together, after all.

So he remained at this spot, touching everything and anything that would strike his fancy while going deeper and deeper into a small clearing you two had found. A large tree decorated its middle, the leaves falling gently upon the ground as the sun shone down on the large pond that provided this part of the forest with the water it needed to balance out the sun’s gentle rays.

“Shhhh, don’t make too much noise.”

Malleus stops as he hears your voice, his head immediately turning towards the sound as he hears rustling behind him. He smiles and turns to where he thought you were coming from only to be struck by a sudden idea--and immediately hiding among the trees and bushes so you couldn’t see him.

Would you be surprised to find him here?

He hoped so. Malleus had the habit of appearing to you suddenly so this wouldn’t be breaking any traditions between you two. If he played his cards right, you might join him on a walk all the way to the edge of the island.

“Prefect do you know where you are going?”

“I do! I’ve been here so many times. Now come on!”

Another person’s voice. No...he had heard that voice before.

Malleus retreats back into his hiding spot as he sees you rush by, holding by the hand a Diasmonia student as he rushes to follow you. You smile and turn around, still holding his hand while the other looked on in amazement at where you had led him.

“Prefect...this is…”

“Like it? Me and Malleus found it a while ago. This is how we know we are close to the edge of the forest.”

The Diasmonia dorm leader smiles as he watches you show the student around, pointing out different sights and sounds as the other watched on in amazement. That student probably had never gone anywhere this secret and while Malleus was glad you were showing off the place you two shared…

There was a feeling deep inside his chest that flared up angrily as he caught the student looking at you more than his surroundings.

Green eyes watch as the student’s hand clenches and unclenches, seemingly working up the courage to do something as you continue speaking. Which was rather rude, in Malleus’s opinion. You were explaining some wonderful things about the flora here and he was just staring at you without engaging in the conversation.

And how did you two know each other? Malleus had never mentioned you in Diasmonia except to Silver and Lilia, had he known you before him?

Malleus hands grip the tree bark tighter as the student takes your hand, stopping your explanation as he gets you to focus your attention on him.

What--?

“I’ve been eager to find some time alone with you.”

The student clears his throat before pulling you by the hand gently, your surprised look turning into one of playfulness as you follow along with his movements. He leads you to the edge of the pond, spinning you around as you allow him to position you in such a way that you are now closer to him than before.

Which only makes the angry feeling in Malleus’s gut flare up even more.

“Have you now? What for?”

An answer Malleus wanted to know as well.

Blushing, the student smiles and leads you into a dance with no music which only served to make you laugh and make Malleus’s fingers dig deep into the wood of the poor tree.

In the dragon fae’s eyes, you two are dancing for hours without caring about who was around. Why had he even brought you here? This student was part of Sebek’s surveillance crew and yet here he was not doing his job. But he wasn’t the one who brought you here…

You were.

Your actions were lost on Malleus as the dance finishes up, the student dipping you low before bringing you up.

“So you brought me here to dance? Who knew Diasmonia students were so charming.”

Malleus didn’t like the way you were smiling, nor how your hands rested on the student’s shoulders. He hadn’t seen this side of you before, you were playing along with this student and his motives.

Had you always been so playful? Malleus had only seen you during the night and whenever you two spoke it was a conversation worthy of two friends sharing experiences together.

But not this...never this…

“Well, not just a dance. I’ve wanted to state my intentions outright.”

The tree starts to crack slowly as Malleus can feel more thorns growing out of the rose bushes around him.

“Ever since you arrived, you have been an enigma to me. You are always so helpful even to those who do not seek your aid. Even now, you didn’t have to help me search for our Young Master."

He wasn’t searching for anyone, he was too close to you for Malleus’s liking and he needed to learn how to respect your boundaries.

“Yet you still offered me your help...and I…I want to...”

The student was leaning closer as his hands slid down to your waist, Malleus staring as you started to tilt your head as you placed your hands on his chest while his lips were dead set on meeting yours--!

Your face is tilted up as cold lips meet yours, your mouth opening in a surprised gasp as the hold the student had on you was no longer shy and timid but angry and possessive. These lips were pulling you in closer and closer, greedily eating each and every sound you were making as the air was slowly stolen from your lungs.

A string of saliva is left hanging as you two separate, your eyes fluttering open as you think of something to say to such a ravishing kiss.

Only for them to open wide in surprise as you see who you had really kissed.

“Malleus!?”

You turn to look behind the fae’s back, the Diasmonia student looking at his Young Master in mild panic and surprise while Malleus presses you close against his chest, clearly hiding you from view.

Right before the student even had a chance to taste your lips, Malleus had rushed out of his hiding place and pulled him away by the collar of his shirt.

For a dragon to watch on as something that was his was so close to be taken away, the surprise must have gotten to him.

“Go tell Sebek to head back to Diasmonia and call off his search. I will be there by nightfall.”

The student tries to stutter out a response but Malleus glares back as he keeps you pressed firmly against him.

“Now.”

You watch the student leave in a hurry, following the broken path you had led him in with. Your eyes peek up to look at Malleus but the dorm leader waits until the sound of footsteps is long gone before tilting your face up again and leaning down to press his lips against yours in another rough and dominating kiss.

Hands push you forward as your back collides with the huge tree in the clearing, Malleus making sure that the back of your head meets the bark gently as his lips never parted from yours. You wrap your arms around him as best as you could and let out an involuntary squeak when the fae decides to pick you up so that you could pull him in even closer.

He is the one to pull away first, hands firmly on your bottom as you wrap your legs around his waist to support yourself.

“Malleus--”

The fae presses another kiss to your lips, effectively silencing you so that all your attention would be on him.

“Don’t ever bring someone else into this place, child of man. Do I make myself clear? This place is our haven and I will not have someone else come steal both it and you away from me. Well, even if you don’t understand, I’ll make sure to explain it to you thoroughly. Now...kiss me again.”