#they had other wheelchairs there but apparently they only held people weighing 150kg

[fazcinatingblog]

Today my boss asked me if I knew that I was getting pay rise on July 1st and I said "...yes" and then she laughed.

[burmecianblackmage]

So... guess we’re doing this after all. Before I start thought, you guys know that feeling when you’re absolutely certain you have a specific picture, but you just can’t find it at all? Even when you know on which disc it is definitely on? It’s a crappy feeling, I tell you that. But... still nothing compared to under the cut, so... brace yourselves, folks. It ain’t gonna be happy...

I’ve had two appointments today.

One was with the endocrinologist, the other with the neurosurgeon. While the first had it’s ups and downs, the latter only had the down part. But first thing first...

I went to the endocrinologist in order to have a check-up again regarding my thyroid issues. Like, is the medication still right, do we need to adjust, etc. Naturally, these appointments also deal with the topic of my weight, and how we could handle it.

And the good news is, they are no longer of the opinion that bariatric surgery is no longer their go-to strategy for getting my weight down. I’ve seen the side-effects on my sister in the last year and a half or so, and... while I can’t deny the effectiveness of it, I just... I see so many things she can’t eat anymore, and how quickly she gets sick... I don’t really want that. I’ve... Quite frankly, I’ve lost so much quality of life in the last year, I just... I dunno if I can take any more than that. At least not now...

So, the news that there is a therapy with injections that apparently helps you lose weight is amazing news. I look forward to learning more about this, after he checked about whether or not I’m a viable candidate... - oh, and whether my health insurance will cover the costs. I can’t exactly afford it, to put it nicely...

The bad news then came when it was time to weigh myself. Not only that it is a pain and difficult to do so these days, and that I nearly fell off the blasted thing, but then it also showed me numbers that... well...

Let’s just say before the surgery in December 2016 I was at 161kg, then due to the stress and all and whatnot, I dropped to around 150kg at rehab - even dipping down to 144kg once due to a nasty stomach flu that held me in it’s grip for three weeks, one of which happened to be the last one my girlfriend was visitng me... *sigh*

Anyhow, I was at 154kg back when I left rehab in June, and while I was aware that I likely would have gone up again, I expected something along the lines of 160kg to 165kg - if only that had been the case...

I stand (or rather, sit, cause you know...) at 175kg roughly - for you people using imperial measurements, that’s about 386lb. Unfortunately...

But enough of that. I’ve avoided the real topic for too long already, when I know full well I should just get it over with. So... here’s the deal with the neurosurgeon appointment.

As I mentioned, they had seen something after all, and, well... to cut to the chase, they are pretty much certain at this point that it is the ependymoma again. True, there’s always a chance that the images are somewhat faulty, that the settings on the MRI weren’t ideally, we could continue that list fr a long time, really. But those are slim chances, almost inexistent ones.

So... I have to deal with the news that my tumor is back. And that it is likely the source of my increased troubles with my left leg.

What does this mean now? Well... we aren’t entirely sure. You can never be sure with something affecting the spinal marrow, after all. What we do know... is that I’ll likely need surgery again, and rehab afterwards.

There is no guarantee things will be better after the surgery. There’s even a distinct chance they’ll get worse again - remember, before the last surgery, I was still a walking man! It’s only since then that I’m bound to the wheelchair... And if I loose more functionality, what is it going to be? Will my legs not even work as much anymore as they do now? Will I lose control of my bladder like so many others have? Will I no longer be able to get an erection? Will I lose the ability to have kids, even?

We just don’t know.

And you have no idea how scary that is. Not knowing what to expect, having no control at all over what will happen, being at the mercy of luck entirely, no matter how skilled the surgeons are... The only thing I do know is, that I’ll lose either way, whether I have the surgery or try not to.

I guess I just can’t win in this life, huh...?

For the time being... seeing how I struggled so much to come to terms with it all and was in a poor shape emotionally, they suggested we go a middle way. Even if it’ll likely not change anything.

Around the end of the month, maybe even early February instead, I’ll have another MRI. And then, with the images from that, we’ll have to make the decision whether to have surgery or not.

And if I do have to get surgery... well, not only will it do all those things health-wise, if I have to go to rehab for another half year again as well, it will also more or less render everything I’ve worked for this past seven months have been for naught.

We were trying to find a spot where I could have an apprenticeship starting this summer - I won’t be out before they start, nor do we know in what shape I’d be then. Would I even be capable to work as much as I hope? Would I be able to work enough to warrant a place in that apprenticeship? It’s already been doubtful as it is, but how will it be then? Won’t it be even worse?

Again... we just don’t know.

And quite frankly... that’s what’s getting me the most.

...

I’ve already taken over two hours to write this all... I know it doesn’t cover everything, but... it’s better I stop now. You don’t need me lamenting the social isolation once again, or how I won’t be able to attend any events and whatnot. Or that I won’t get to play my games after all, once again. And the matter of how it will affect my time here is another one on top...

I’ll stop for now. Sorry I never have good news anymore these days... I know it must be tedious to listen to me at this point.... Sorry to have taken up your time with this, my friends....

I just hope... life won’t keep pushing me further and further down after this. I don’t know... how much more I’d be able to take...