#they don't even want to admit how much they've been treating me like fucking shit throughout my whole life

[graveyarrdshift]

this sunday is really sundaying

[redsrooftopprincess]

hey so how do you think the bayverse boys would deal with a s/o where they stress bake or cook when they’re upset. The boys experience this for first time. Coming over and s/o has made too much food and is a 5 star chef, not cuz they were taught how to cook. They’ve just done this a lot for years that now they’re just good at it. “I forgot what I was upset about… there’s too much here. Wanna help me eat it all?”

As someone who used to have a stress baking problem I 1000% relate to this. 😅

Sweets

Gn reader x Individual Turtles

No warnings, just marshmallow fluff

It's been a rough week, one thing after another, and today you hit your limit. You don't even remember what did it, but whatever it was was the last straw, and when you get home, you go straight to the kitchen.

Eventually, it's pushing 3am and you look around you in desperation as you've finally run out of counter space.

Shit.

A sound behind you catches your attention...

Leo

"Uh-huh..." He says, looking around him in disbelief as you squeak and spin around. This was something he had not expected from you.

You fidget nervously, Leonardo values self restraint, especially in the face of heightened emotions. You were really hoping he wouldn't find out about this particular quirk.

"So... baking." He says, thoughtfully.

"Yeah..." You reply.

"Special occasion...?" He asks hesitantly, his eyes turning to you. He doesn't show it, but inside he's panicking that he's forgotten something. There's been some elevated gang activity lately, and they've been pulling double patrols. Fuck. He *swore* he'd never let you come second, how could he forget... whatever... today is? What the hell kind of boyfriend is he???

You shrug, trying to appear cool, but more embarrassed toward the end, "Bad week. I just kind of wanted to feel like I was in control of something... it may have gotten out of hand."

A crisp cool wash of relief floods his nervous system. He didn't let you down, and this he understands, the need to feel in control. He looks around at the sweet laden counters once more.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Better, mostly..." you admit, sheepishly.

He nods, looking down at you with that boyish smile, "Then baking seems to have worked." He gestures you with a hand towards the counter with a smirk, "Shall we sample the fruits of your frustration?"

You grin and his hand rests at the small of your back as he leads you to the closest counter. You laugh, sip wine, and sample pastries until morning, sending your boyfriend home just before sunrise with a large box of treats for the family.

Raph

"Wow," you hear from behind you, and you cringe before turning around. He's leaning against the door frame and surveying the warzone that's become of your kitchen.

His eyes finally land on you with a raised brow, "Something got you worked up, Sweetheart?"

Your face burns, "Just a shitty week," you say, embarassed.

He nods, looking around once more before pushing off off the door frame and striding over to you. He slips one hand around your waist and takes yours with the other, giving it a gentle squeeze. He looks down at you with a soft smile, "Feeling better?"

You shrug, trying to hide your smile "Yeah I guess,"

His eyes narrow and his smile becomes a smirk before he dips his head and attacks your neck, kissing and nuzzling, leaving you gasping and giggling.

"How 'bout now?" He asks, when he finally pulls back with a grin.

You nod, laughing, resting your head on his chest as he wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head.

"Good." He says, giving you one last squeeze before walking over to the cabinets to retrieve plates, and snatching a toothpick out of a pan au chocolat.

You send him home later with a sampling of each confection for everyone. They don't make it there.

Donnie

"New hyperfixation?" He asks, curiously as you squeak and spin around. He's standing there with his arms crossed over his chest looking around, impressed.

You shrug, "Stress."

He nods.

He walks over to you, kissing you on the forehead, "And now?"

You look around at the chaos, "Overwhelmed," you laugh uncomfortably.

A smirk turns his lip and you swear you see his eyes sparkle, "Does that mean... you might need help disposing of them?"

You grin and nod, relieved, "Yes, please."

He kisses you sweetly on the mouth before squeezing you once and releasing you.

He spends a few minutes separating out some treats that the others might like and packaging them up for later, and the remainder of the evening trying to ignore how good you smell covered in frosting. He fails.

He doesn't make it home.

Mikey

"Holy Shit, babe," you spin and see the love of your life standing behind you. Big blue eyes wide, he looks around the kitchen as you fidget in place.

He laughs gently at the chaos, "You know, I already think your perfect, you don't have to keep proving me right."

You're face grows hot as he walks up to you and kisses you sweetly before pulling back with a gentle look of concern, always hyper aware of your emotions, "You okay, Angel?"

"Yeah," you say, laughing lightly, "I don't even remember why I was upset anymore."

He beams down at you, "That's great! And now we have dessert!" He cups your cheeks in his hand, squishes them, and kisses you one more time, "How about I go boot up the PlayStation and we eat ourselves into a sugar coma till morning?"

You beam back up at him, pecking him on lips, "Now you're proving *me* right."

There are no leftovers.

......

Tag list:

@thelaundrybitch @the-cauldron-witch @fyreball66 @ninnosaurus @tmntngl @thegirlwiththeninjaturtletattoos @zagreustomb @ramielll @silverwatergalaxy @gornackeaterofworlds @footninja

[butwhatifidothis]

I LOVED To Be a Creature, and it genuinely creeped me out to see the things Edelgard and Hubert said to Byleth (though it's the same as the game, stripped out of its voice acting and background music, the dialogue is so much more horrifying). Really makes me wonder if Edelgard's love for Byleth is genuine in any way. Do you think there's any real love there or is it just obsession?

Thank you!!! I had a feeling that placing Edelgard and Hubert's words in a context that isn't meant to make them look flattering would really let their casual racism shine, and I'm glad it's seeming like that is in fact the impression people are getting lol. SO sorry for the late answer btw 😭😭😭

As for whether Edelgard's love is genuine... I got opinions lmao.

got a bit long lmao under the cut it goes

If Edelgard felt the way she does for Byleth on exclusively SS and CF, I could maybe see how this is a "genuine" love (insofar as a love steeped in "I may hate your race but you're special and Not Like The Other Ones because I think you're special to me" can, uh, ever be genuine, in any case). But because Edelgard still feels as strongly towards Byleth on AM and VW where she quite literally never talks to them directly in any meaningful way, it becomes waaaaay more like she's just weirdly obsessed with this person who saved her one singular time ever five years ago from an attack Edelgard set up. It makes the "love" way more forced and contrived and obviously trying to squeeze tears out of the player for standing up against the cute girly trying to murder them. Or, alternatively, it makes Edelgard come off as manipulative, saying that she just wanted to walk with Byleth and it makes her so sad to HAVE to fight Byleth because BYLETH wouldn't stand by HER - and she's saying this on AM/VW to a person she's talked to in conversation a cumulative, what? Hour? Two? Maybe a few days, being nice? Over the course of, being as absolutely generous as physically possible and not counting the five years Byleth was missing... two fucking years? She's shitting herself over fighting this stranger she doesn't fucking know? Yeah, sure buddy, whatever you say - you see what I mean?

And honestly even outside of those two routes, I think it's more that she sees Byleth as being hers rather than actually liking them for who they are. A body to stand next to her and tell her how right she is and comfort her - who doesn't have the background of "I was literally raised to think this is my only purpose in life" muddying the sincerity of the brown-nosing - who also happens to also act as The Perfect Fighter and The Perfect Strategist to actively help her get what she wants. That view of Byleth being a tool doesn't really go away unless they marry her, seen by how they quite literally get nothing for all they've done for Edelgard should they go unmarried to a noble (guess they just weren't meritable enough once their use to her was done).

As well as how much more Edelgard doesn't like Byleth disagreeing with her or otherwise going against her flow than pretty much anyone else in the game - you lose supports points if you don't think the Black Eagle Strike Force name she made is good, she quickly denies the notion that Byleth isn't detached from others/emotions and insists they are just like she is, she gives them the same callous and thoughtless words she was apparently given once in her life while they are in the midst of mourning their recently murdered father so that they get over it already and get back to being useful to her (directly saying she will only reach out her hand when it's time for HER to move forward, not when BYLETH heals from WATCHING THEIR DAD DIE IN THEIR FUCKING ARMS MAYBE A WEEK AGO). She never treats Byleth kindly unless they do everything she wants, which like. Isn't love???? At all????

There's just this... weirdly possessive air Edelgard has around Byleth that always threw me off, especially with how easily she admits to have been willing to kill them so far into CF and how readily she cuts ties with them the second the fighting's done (which is particular because how just how clingy she was to Byleth everywhere else - you know during all that time Byleth had a use to her). Incorporating that into being an intentional part of her character is certainly interesting, but not in a way that's flattering to the idea of Edelgard genuinely being in love with Byleth lmao.

Personally tho, even disregarding almost everything else, the simple explanation is that I don't think you can really sit there and say you love someone while openly hating part of their racial heritage. Wild thought, I know lmao

[thecoolerliauditore]

I really liked this gimmick. Wasn't intensely intrusive like the snails wasn't boring like the tick speed. Watched Scar's ep here are my highlights:

It's funny seeing people treat a red name killing a dark green teammate to gain a life as ridiculous and unthinkable given how often Scott does it

Scarian fans we're so back

So fucking funny watching Jimmy kill and attempt to kill Joel repeatedly and yet Bamily is still going strong and their alliance has never faltered

SCAR'S FIRST TRIVIA QUESTION WAS WHO DID YOUR MAN CHEAT ON YOU WITH 😭

Jimmy's not first out again and I doubt he'll die next episode either, they've been doing good :D

He IS being a little shit to Grian. Good for him but please don't make him even more pissed than he already is 😭

SCARPEARL CRUMBS. Scar seems on good terms with Pearl, he just doesn't want her to kill his alliance. He's very friendly with everyone actually

The question "What did Scar and Pearl use to hurt their soulmates" and Scott staying silent and Scar and Pearl looking into each other's eyes.....

JIMMY WANTED TO KILL SCOTT

but he seemed like hesitant about it. in my brain because he was giving in and asking for a life maybe? While meanwhile Scar was talking his ear off about murder strategies and Jimmy was saying he didn't think Scar could help...

This whole session was a load of previous season nostalgia bait and I got baited. I love it. I love Grian telling Scar that BigB treated him right. Scarian fans it's so over we're so back it's so over we're so back

I actually really liked the time changing mechanic mainly cus I'm a gimmick hater 😔 it hit the sweet spot for me between gimmicky enough to have funny unforseen consequences (like with lava and the looney tunes lookin fight sequences) and simple enough to not feel disruptive.

I did like this gimmick tho I thought it was fun albeit a bit.. extra.? It was really fun to watch and interesting to find out what people do and don't remember -- I was really taken aback by how much Bdubs remembered, for example, or how Joel remembered a very specific line from Cleo in LL but couldn't remember Skizzs red skin in LimL.

But at other times it felt like some of the questions could've been better worded, like the zombie pool party question Scar got. And the mechanic as a whole felt more like an extra on-top of gameplay than anything that really melded into the session. But again this is all from me being a hater of gimmicks in general lol and this is absolutely one of the more mood-killer/pandering ones.

And yeah, Lizzie's refusal this episode and Ethos last episode really paint a picture of how. Unique Scott is in his insistence on his suicidal tendencies. Mind you Lizzie wasn't there for LimL where this was more expected due to the mechanic so it's probably even more unthinkable to her than the others. That combined with Scott admitting he doesn't want to die is... Sighs. My son.

sometimes I wish I had the crazy scarian phase that everyone other than me seems to have gone through because scarian is really. Really awesome and I think they deserve their hype. I would say this season emphasizes that but really every season emphasizes that.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO MAKE OF JOEL AND JIMMY MAN. Jimmy HAS become the world's worst toxic ex boyfriend to Joel and Joel just doesn't. Give a fuck? My brain is confused. I need to figure out whether this is silly or angsty or mayhaps both.

"bigb treated me right" grian should go to jail for this

jimmys the only one on red by the end of this episode which has me scared but I still believe in him.. :'D he has managed to piss. Literally everyone off though which is unfortunate.

YESSS I WASNT THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW THE SCARPEARL CRUMBS. The way they keep silently empathizing and supporting eachother and orbiting it's so good.

And YES JIMMY GO GO GO KILL 💥💥 Jimmy's desperation to kill Scott is. So telling of not only his growing resentment but also of his naivete. Accentuated especially by that last episode where everyone from Etho to Skizz pointed out that Scott wasn't an easy target for a variety of reasons.

I'm sad that he no longer really has a reason to go after him (the disappointment in his voice when he realised he turned light green lmao) but I'm proud of Jimmy I'm always proud of Jimmy. I think he could kill him I really think he could.

[salarta]

Comic Book Fandom and "Got Mine Fuck You"

There's a recurring situation I see way too often with X-Men comic book fandom. As I write this, I know what I'm saying doesn't apply to everyone, or to every fandom, or to every platform. It applies to what I've seen. And what I've seen is abysmal.

Back when the 2020 run of X-Factor happened, I saw a LOT of apologism for the way Polaris/Lorna Dane was treated on that book. Paired with trying to spin her being on the book as good for her.

"Oh hey yeah, the X of Swords issue didn't acknowledge Lorna surviving the Genoshan genocide because... uhh... it was all implied! They didn't just didn't say it explicitly."

Then when the Genoshan genocide took center stage in another comic's story arc a couple years later, with Kitty Pryde as the focus, Lorna acting like she has no history with it and just complaining about a lack of coffee gets painted as "Oh but there's only so much panel space! And they already told Lorna's story with Genosha anyway, this time they're focused on Kitty's story with it!"

Let's also not forget that during the X-Men vote, we had so, so many X-Factor fans arguing for her to lose the vote, and not get to be a mainstay on the flagship book, because "X-Factor is her book and she's getting good use there anyway." As if it would've been impossible for her to be on two books at once. Some of those fans were at least more honest about it, where they admitted the real reason they wanted her to lose is cause they thought the book would die without Lorna to exploit for other characters like Rachel.

And now, we have the current X-Factor. Where fans of Havok, Pyro, the name X-Factor, nostalgia for the 90s, etc have all insisted that forcing Lorna back into "Havok's girlfriend who acts stupid so he can be a big strong man about it" is fine actually. Perfectly cool. The sexism is satire so it's fine, everything's fine, shitty treatment of her is fine. Anything to promote Havok, or Pyro, or X-Factor, or whatever else.

Only for those same people to start crying the instant Havok and Pyro look stupid too. Because you see, they can excuse the sexism and making a woman look stupid and completely destroying her character and development to make her fit a sexist mold for their cis straight Aryan male self-insert.

But they draw the line at their woobie self-inserts looking just as dumb. Stupid and character assassination is for the womenfolk you see, not for men.

What I'm getting at is, I keep running into a brick wall called "Got Mine Fuck You" that's pervasive with too many comic book fans. And while I'm emphasizing this behavior on Lorna, it's not just her. They've also done shit like attack and badmouth another writer for daring to suggest their great golden god Writer Of The Moment could have plagiarized their work. Harassing her, changing her Wikipedia page. Because they care more about salvaging the reputation of their favorite things than about what's right.

It annoys the fuck out of me. Because in spite of all the fanfare about comics being progressive (when it's financially convenient), this is one of the big gaping dark sides.

I try not to be that guy. I can't say I don't fail, but I try to be better than these chucklefucks.

When season 1 of Gifted killed Dreamer off, I had no problem calling out how asinine and insulting their handling of her death was. I COULD have been That Asshole that tries to act like it was a genius decision, all because Polaris was being treated amazingly in season 1 and Dreamer's death could've been leveraged for Pain Points for Lorna. I didn't do that.

Secret Wars House of M also gave Quicksilver and to a lesser extent Magneto a raw deal in characterization. Even as AU characters, it hit very wrong for Pietro to be depicted as a mustache twirling traitor type when there were ways to keep him closer to his core without taking that route. Now I will admit, I had a moment of weakness with this because I loved what it was doing with Lorna. But in the end, I still recognized it was a problem.

Even with the X of Swords issue of X-Factor. There were many problems with Lorna's treatment there, but there were problems all around. Rockslide fans were very upset with it, for good reason. And Rockslide had actual people around who knew him and had closer relationships with him. Why did they get shafted, with Lorna used instead?

Fandom should really strive for better. For all characters. Not just their pet favorites. Fandom should not be eager to throw other characters, other fandoms, everything that means so much to them and resonates with them, under the bus just so their own faves can get a little benefit out of it.

Fans should not be eager to make excuses for shitty treatment just cause that shitty treatment makes their fave look good. Fans should not want to see another character's potential undermined and thrown away just cause keeping that character down allows a book they like to prosper. Fans should not be trying to make sexism out to be nothing but satire just cause they think a female character "deserves terrible characterization."

These fans try to say their fandom is great. But then they act in ways that tell the world it's not.

It would be nice if they had some fucking principles for once.

[web-novel-polls]

Best (Web Novel) Hater Tournament

Last Updated: July 27th, 2024 - Please check the original post for updates

Submissions Closed - Masterpost here

[Plain Text: Submissions Closed /end pt]

Rules:

Must be from a web novel or adaptation

Can be a hater of any kind or just have the hater soul

Please submit one character per response (no limit overall)

Tournament Tag: #best hater tournament

Arthur Galvhan from Unlucky Clover

Submission: Legitimately nominating him because he's such a hateful piece of shit that his irrational hatred causes the apocalypse. That is simply an impressive amount of being an absolute asshole. 

Han Sooyoung from Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint

Submission: She spent years hating on a web novel similar to her own through an anonymous account and hate reading the comments it's sole reader posted. Even after the novel came to life, she still kept criticizing its horrible writing and protagonist. 

Hua Cheng from Heaven Official’s Blessing 

Submission: Treats nearly everyone that isn't Xie Lian with derision

Wiki Link

Jiang Cheng from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

Submission 1: Hates Wangxian's relationship. 

Submission 2: Dude devoted more than a decade of his life to hating on his dead kind-of-brother (it's complicated) how has he not been submitted already? bonus points for his actor's many faces of utter disgust in The Untamed 

Mod Propaganda: Haterism so bad you can start fandom discourse just by name-dropping him. 

Wiki Link

Jun Wu from Heaven Official’s Blessing

Submission: 

(Spoilers) Tossing his old pals into lava and then destroying an entire generation of gods wasn't enough! He also ground the old generation of gods up and made them into the foundation of the new Heavenly Realm, so everyone steps all over them whenever they're walking around. Also an over simplified explanation of the entire plot is basically Jun Wu hears one phrase that sets him off and decides to be a giant hater because of it, destroying a whole kingdom within like three to four years in the process. This guy is the epitome of "...and I took that personally."

Wiki Link

Lan Jingyi from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation 

Submission: jingyi hates su she so much even though they've never interacted before and then absolutely obliterates him verbally in front of almost every sect leader, what a legend

Lan Wangji from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation / MDZS

Submission: Just because he's quiet doesn't mean he's not a hater. He gets his hate across economically. Jin Guangyao? Hated. Su She? Hated. Jiang Cheng? Don't even ask. Loathed entirely. Anyone else not in his immediate family (including problematic cancelled husband Wei Wuxian)? Not even worth his time. Bro even hates himself (sometimes) 

Mu Qing from Heaven Official’s Blessing

Submission: https://www.tumblr.com/bonesblubs/708661194148511744/inspiration 

Mod Propaganda: Mu Qing can split a tower bell in two yet can’t admit he wanted to be friends with someone he’s known for 800+ years without trying to immediately kill himself. Randomly started reciting a poem about his least favorite coworker’s dick just to fuck with him (Feng Xin). Said he’d kill a bride like Xie Lian if she was sent to him. 

Wiki Link

Shen Jiu / Original Shen Qingqiu from The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving 

"Even if all of this could be redone from the beginning, in the end, the conclusion would remain the same. My heart is full of malice, my insides hatred and resentment. Today, Luo Binghe wishes for me to die horribly, and I only have myself to blame." - Shen Jiu, The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System, Volume 4: Chapter 24 (Reddit 1, 2)

Submission: Both the Shen Qingqius are haters just in very different ways 

Mod Propaganda: The Scum Villain that beefed with a 14-year-old out of jealousy & tried to kill him. 

Wiki Link

Shen Yuan/Qingqiu from The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System 

Submission 1: He was an anti fan that literally got so mad at a novel he was reading that he died and then was transmigrated into the novel he hated (besides the main character) as the villain. The author of said novel also transmigrated and they formed a love/hate broship.

Submission 2: 

My man is the hater-est hater to ever hate, except like Kendrick Lamar. He hate-read a webnovel with over 20 million words, and left scathing commentary on every single chapter. Even the author Shang Qinghua, of the webnovel PIDW, which by subtext was very very popular, knew Shen Yuan (Peerless Cucumber) as the legendary anti-fan.  He hated it (everything except the protagonist Luo Binghe) so much that after reading the last chapter, he choked and died (...slight exaggeration). Shen Yuan also proceeded to transmigrate into the novel, make everyone fall in love with him, use the power of headpats and 'a smile from the cold beauty' to overturn the genre from harem-esqe to danmei, bending the protagonist. Tldr, the power of Shen Yuan's haterism turned Cool Edgy Awesomely Powerful Protagonist Luo Binghe to soggy wet clingy white lotus bing-bong Bingmei, and it's honestly better off this way <3 

Submission 3: he's an internet hater screenname Peerless Cucumber who hates this webnovel so much he dies and transmigrates into it to fix the entire plot and also he's left so many hate comments the author (fellow transmigrator) knows and remembers who he is after being in the webnovel world for decades. Dedication.

Su She from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation / MDZS

“Stop thinking so highly of yourself. Who told you I cursed Jin Zixuan in order to frame you? Back then, I wasn’t working for Sect Leader at all. I cursed him simply because I wanted to!” ….Su She, “Those as arrogant as him--I’ll kill every single one who comes my way!” - Su She to Wei Wuxian, Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, EXR, Chapter 104

No propaganda submitted

Mod Propaganda: Haterism so bad he straight up made a new sect. Cursed Jin Zixun. Has beef with a guy who barely knows he exists. 

Wiki Link

Yin Hanjiang from Devil Venerable Also Wants to Know 

Submission: Second half of the novel YHJ in particular, hater energy unmatched! Righteous sects? fuck them up. His own sect? on eggshells. His best effort at not murdering someone is to start wiping his weapon with their clothes. General vibe of 'if anything happened to Venerable i'd kill everyone in this room and then myself AND SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED TO VENERABLE'. Anyway get their asses babe <3

Yu Ziyuan from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

Submission: I would not blame anyone who went through the first half of the story believing that Yu Ziyuan hated every single person she ever met because she talks shit about her husband, her son, her adopted son, and her daughter whenever she gets the chance to. Sometimes all at the same time. She projects so much raw hater energy that she psychologically scarred her son for life. 

Dealer's Choice

Qi Rong from Heaven Official’s Blessing

“Obviously, those things weren't within the realm of consideration for Qi Rong. He swore like there wasn't a single person in the Three Realms he didn't want cursed to death. He called Pei Ming a rotten manwhore, Little Pei a kiss-ass, Jun Wu a faker, Ling Wen a damned bitch, Lang Qianqiu a moron, Quan Yizhen dog shit, the Water Master blackhearted, the Wind Master a tramp–he probably didn't know Shi Qingxuan was actually a man.” - Heaven Official’s Blessing (Tumblr)

[weaselbeaselpants]

Lily, I did/do agree with you on some fandom takes, especially back during the DownWithMolestia days. Heck I agree with a lot of your takes in current year. Even if I agreed with you on everything you say I'd still fucking drop you and hope every single one of your fans wakes up and does so to for the right reasons --that you're a predator/lying abuser, not that you hate Gay Rocks in Space-- too.

Like, you wanna hear proof some folks' who I not only liked but REALLY like their videos and still absolutely think are in the wrong?

JonTron and Brad Jones.

I still find myself quoting their damn videos every now and again because god damnit that shit is/was funny, sue me. I loved CinemaSnob especially and god JonTron's videos were so much fun.

Too bad JonTron said some of the worst, most horrendously antiblack shit I've ever heard and has never fucking apologized for it or even BEGUN to have an iDubbz moment. I believe Pewdiepie feels+understands what he did was wrong more than JonTron and that's a bad sign. Jon was funny, a white person. Don't care. I'm never going to follow anything he makes again because the stuff he had to say was heinous and no it doesn't just "go away" because another white yter is in trouble for this kind of thing or it's been so many years since his 'canceling' and 'doesn't matter'. Really?

CinemaSnob is less racist (publicly) but he showed his true colors by publicly choosing to stay with his toxic friends and showing he was a two-sided jerk, and then made up lies about doxxing and harassment just to sweeten the deal. What he did (while roping Double Toasted in no less) was straight up admit that he doesn't care about any of the shit leveled at Channel Awesome, even after CA themselves admitted to hiding a sexual predator, because "he'd still have a career" even after he hurt anybody. Say all you want about any yter, breadtube or whatever, being callous and 'uncaring' or blocking ppl that just disagree w them- "apologize even if you don't mean it = dumb", "Logan Paul filmed a dead body and he still has a career", it's that side you showed of yourself, Brad, that is always going to make me actually genuinely hate myself for quoting your old videos or seeing you show up in an old Phelan or Allison vid.

Whether it be personally or politically, you can look like an ass and even the biggest fans of your work are gonna be shaken up and drop you for it-- to which you'll probably say they were never really "your REAL fans" for being "sensitive" w really it's just people having independence and critical thinking.

I would not be the person I am now if I didn't disagree/look into the drama buzzing around my personal fav yters like Lindsay Ellis and Jenny Nicholson with an open mind. I know (of, not rlly know) these women and their careers and the points where they were definitely getting harassment and if there's any credible basis for shitty behavior they've done - no matter how I feel about their work, I DON'T want to defend it just because I have this parasocial comfortzone in their essays. I don't want to entertain hate campaigns and lolcow farmers, I want to always do my due diligence and genuinely know "wait wtf did 'x' say about 'x'." In the case of folks like Ellis or PanPizza or Quinton Reviews here's usually always some degree of nuance or-"yes soandso isn't a [thing I thought they were cuz of drama I saw], but I'm personally allowed to not like them bcuz of how they handled these accusations"-vibes. Valid asf. That's me with some of the people I watch, like Wendigoon. It's fine.

In the cases of JonTron, Brad Jones, Emily Youcis and now Lily Orchard....no. Fuck this. I'm an adult and it's not the quality of your work you make whatsoever, it's all about your personality. If you are shitty and vile, possibly even criminal (hate speech should count as criminal, Youcis) and you don't even begin to care that you are any of those things...yeah why should I give you the time of day or treat your work like it's different from you as a person?

[noxturnallyevermore]

either the duffers have only had bad dnd experiences or they've never actually played dnd at all

or maybe dnd games were different in the 80s, but it can't be this drastically different

I say this because everytime that I'm reminded of the fact that eddie not only refused to change the date like he has some sort of complex because of some petty high school drama that he's definitely way too old to care about (and expressly distastes), but he also aggressively refused and manhandled dustin and mike around (it looked like he hurt their arms like???) into finding a sub

I get so irritated, not even just because it's a "he wouldn't say that" moment

but because actual dms that aren't fucking asshole pricks (like they portrayed eddie in this scene, I'm sorry but we have to admit that eddie is an asshole dm), especially one who allegedly doesn't give a fuck about the high school hierarchy or cliques, would be understanding of a scheduling conflict

I appreciate fics so much that fix this btw

because dnd doesn't have to be at school, they can reschedule so easily to literally the next day

I get that its a club and likely the only day they plan to have dnd, but i doubt that they have very much else to do as high schoolers unless they have jobs (though there's no evidence to suggest anyone does)

they could reschedule band practice and host dnd then, if its that much of a scheduling issue

if they truly don't want to go to the balls in laundry baskets game, they could even SWAP band practice day with dnd day and not go, the only ones who want to go are lucas, dustin, and mike who aren't in the band

and thats another thing, that game has probably been brought up WAY before the day of, lucas definitely wouldn't have waited until the LAST MOMENT to talk about the scheduling, even if it's frame that way

and even then, this likely isn't the first friday game lucas has been apart of, and it most certainly isn't likely that eddie was unaware that lucas played basketball or knew what days it'd be on

at the very least, eddie would know how important basketball is to lucas, he shouldn't give a shit if he's trying to be both a jock and a nerd

it just irritates me so much

like, given his character and what we learn about him later and even what we knew about him up to that point, it is so fucking out of character for him how he treated that situation

in fact, given how sports games are mostly held on the same couple of days, with the most important ones landing on fridays, I wouldn't be surprised if eddie originally chose fridays as hellfire days as a fuck you to the jocks

that much is in character, but blatantly icing out one of his "sheep" because of having another hobby, even if it is being a jock, is not

especially given his interaction with chrissy literally moments later, fuck, chrissy's death (in the munson trailer, anyway) could've been avoided entirely if they'd just rescheduled dnd until after the game later on the same day

maybe I'm just spoiled because I've been in the same campaign for a year now and scheduling conflicts have never been an issue, like if we can't have a session, "its fine, there's always next week"

but every campaign except for one has been like this, most of my dms have been very forgiving, so the fact that eddie is not, when he's later portrayed differently, is upsetting

but that brings me to another thing, dustin, mike, and eddie act like summer break means they can't finish the campaign, when it really just means no hellfire club as a set time and place for sessions, they could literally finish up with the first few weeks of summer??? jeff probably isnt moving away as soon as he graduates high school???

and they LITERALLY played dnd in the wheeler basement for YEARS before this, scheduling and location, and even SCHOOL, are NOT AN ISSUE so why is it treated as one? because that's the only logical reason (that isn't super fucking petty) that I can think of for why eddie would say no to rescheduling

I get that it was to progress the plot with a dramatic paralleled scene and even for character development and to create conflict, but they obviously could've easily done that differently without making eddie an ass

it basically feels like eddie doesn't exist out of a school setting, which is stupid because you'd think he'd at least know dnd can happen when school isn't in session

its probably the one thing I would change about s4 if given the option to change anything

fucking hell, mike's taking a flight to california the next day, they could've even rescheduled hellfire for earlier in the week

I also can't believe that this isn't ever talked about again? at least not with Eddie involved, I don't think? (correct me if I'm wrong on that, I'm still rewatching s4)

[egg-emperor]

How the f*ck people can say serious stuff like this accusing you and harrass you in many ways yet they have the f*cking audacity to play being the "harmless" ones yet they do sh*t like this and worse stuff. And you said what was happening to you because you need them and everyone to know what this was doing to you and what they been doing to you, and somehow those loosers twist your words to say stupid sh*t again and again. How come someone can feel good about doing this seriously? Julian is a survivor and it's unfair how even he felt forced to reveal some bits of it and *ssholes once again makes it about them and even triggered him on purpose via many ways even whishing him horrible stuff. He's saying more stuff that he shouldn't feel forced to say yet he's telling them because of what keeps happening.

And yet they dare to judge him cruelly

How is it acceptable to threat Julian over just because they don't like his content and treat him like this?

Unlike them, he never tried to do the same and it's only posting this because like he says he's defending himself.

If there's someone egoistical is not Julian but them for doing this.

Hope the ones who were manipulated to think Julian in a bad light stop harming him and learn the true.

And for those who make it seem that he deserves all of this despite everything a big f*ck you

I'm sorry you have to deal with this Julian, only because your likings differs from theirs.

A big hug to you, you don't deserve this bad stuff and you deserve happiness, you deserve to be yourself, you deserve getting help, you deserve to feel good, you deserve not being judged, you deserve to have fun, you deserve to enjoy things and much more.

Hope things get better for you Julian! Cheers!

💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Yeah I'm feeling so sick and tired of them dragging this on and not letting me rest and move past this. I'm feeling so violated and ashamed for all the things I've felt forced to admit about myself. All because they decide to make such serious accusations all over drama over having opinions and concepts that they don't like, and lump me in with other people that they also fling baseless harmful accusations at to say I'm guilty by association too, as if that would be my fault and would immediately mean I'm compliant and supportive of such either way. They'll do anything to make me look as horrible and use as many buzzwords as they can.

They've treated me as being as bad as real people that hurt me and my real experiences just because my analysis and writing, accused me of being associated with the very kinds of people who hurt me- actual real predators that is, and now for writing about rape and threatening suicide just for being honest about how I feel which long predated this stupid drama. They accuse me of being insensitive towards survivors/people with triggers by "writing stories to trigger people" despite all my real reasonings behind them, realizing my tagging mistake and fixing it, apologizing and encouraging asking me to tag things for their comfort.

The way I'm a survivor has been intentionally disrespected by them just like they've accused me of doing so by belittling, blaming, or denying my experiences and lying about my intentions - then denying my mental struggles that were increased by it and saying I was threatening suicide. I never intentionally tried to hurt them but they're going out of their way to try to hurt me. I'm so deeply disgusted and sickened by the lengths they go. I realized they weren't going to listen and understand so I just wanted to move on but they keep dragging me into drama and making these horrible accusations publicly. They can talk shit as much as they want in private but I'm sick of them turning random people who don't even know me against me and smearing me publicly.

I also hope they'll finally leave me the fuck alone and stop talking about me, that's all I want now. I was trying to stop talking about it and move on but I'm being continuously punished and accused and smeared of the vilest things and this needs to end. All of this because of different takes and creative interests about a video game series and how they can't handle me liking or disliking things they don't because apparently being honest and voicing my thoughts on things and sharing concepts on my own blog is automatically an attack on them. These assholes need to let me get away and live my life because I have enough bullshit to deal with as is. I really hope this just all stops soon

Thank you so much for kindness and support. Hugs to you too 💜💜💜💜💜

[beckelliesden]

A lot of people around here get angry at the very notion that Aziraphale's decision reflects poorly on him, but the truth of the matter is, they kinda do.

That doesn't mean Aziraphale isn't a well-meaning, good person or that we all have to give him hate for it. It just means he's a flawed, complex character with complex motivations. There's a HUGE difference between acknowledging a character did something wrong but allowing it makes perfect sense for them to do so given their past/history AND refusing to admit they've done anything wrong at all.

I mean, I get it, people love Micheal Sheen (who wouldn't?) and they love Aziraphale. I love him, too. But let's be honest here, Aziraphale still has A LOT of character development to do before he can have an healthy relationship with Crowley, because he clearly believes some part of Crowley's identity (the fact he's a demon) is an institutional mistake that needs fixing. You can't love someone for who they are but insist, even after having known them for 6000 years, that some part of them is wrong/inferior/not as it should be.

I've seen some people in the fandom going around saying Crowley is the one who broke Aziraphale's heart because he doesn't understand and that Aziraphale is doing this for him and loves him like he his and I'm sorry, but no.

Also, that's some damn heavy shit. There's just so much to unpack I don't even know where to start. Throughout the season, Aziraphale 1) takes Crowley for granted 2) refuses to meet him half-way 3) tries to change him (the whole car thing is a metaphor if I've ever seen one) 4) subvert other character's agency AND 5) makes important decisions for other people, including Crowley, without asking them what they want or getting to know them first. No matter how well-intentioned he is, those are NOT healthy patterns, and pretending there is nothing problematic about his behavior because his intentions are pure is fucked up, y'all. Saying Crowley is in the wrong for having some self-respect, for refusing to change everything he his on a whim, for refusing to become his significant other's 'second-in-command' (YEAH) and going back to a side who's treated him unfairly to please his partner, is fucked up. Nobody should have to put up with any of this in a healthy relationship.

Let me put it this way. If your bestie told you her long-time crush/partner has just gotten an unexpected (and frankly somewhat undeserved) promotion. That she wants your bestie to move to Australia with her on the spot and become her 'second in command' in an organization who's rejected and abused your bestie in the past and left her with severe unresolved trauma. That your bestie's partner accepted the job WITHOUT consulting with your bestie first, intends to go to Australia no matter how your bestie feels about it because 'it's the right thing to do' and is ready to break up with your bestie over it, you sure as HELL wouldn't be okay with it because your bestie's partner 'is a cinnamon roll' and works for OXFAM.

More to the point, Good Omens has always been a critique of the whole idea of Good vs Evil as a system of belief. Saying that Aziraphale is misunderstood and has done nothing wrong because he's on the side of Good and wants to reform Heavens, to my mind, shows you don't understand the message at the core of GO. It's not about picturing Aziraphale as a bad guy for wanting to reform Heavens. It's about bemoaning the fact that Aziraphale, for all his 6000 years on Earth, still doesn't get that nothing is quite so clear cut as Good and Evil.

if you take "I can make a difference" at face value you simply must also consider "you're the bad guys.” like they are both vital aspects of aziraphale's decision. the problem is not just aziraphale's attempt to lead a corrupt system, it is also his continued belief in the superiority of heaven and angels over hell and demons. that's why crowley was so hurt. it's not just a miscommunication, or a disagreement on the practicalities of changing hearts and minds in heaven--it is a fundamental misunderstanding of morality and of crowley as a person. if crowley had asked aziraphale to come to hell to help fix it and protect the earth, he would not have gone. he says so. it’s not just about safety, or reform. it is about being Good.

and all of this happens because aziraphale is not just motivated by fear and love: he is also motivated by shame. he is insecure in his identity as an angel and a Good Guy, and both his alienation from heaven and his relationship with crowley have always aggravated this insecurity. it’s why shax’s mockery hit him so hard, and why he’s so susceptible to manipulation from the metatron. he desperately wants to be taken seriously and treated with respect and to have power and be an uncomplicated Good Guy, and that is just as much of a motivating factor in his decision as his desire to protect humanity and crowley.

and re: “appoint you to be an angel”: I know people want to insist that aziraphale has never wanted to change anything about crowley, but I’m sorry, I just don’t think that’s true. over and over in season 2 aziraphale demonstrates a desire to sand the rough edges off people and things for the sake of the Greater Good, without consideration for the free will or complex emotions of others. obviously this tendency culminates in the ball, where he exerts control over all of the humans to make everything perfect for maggie and nina, and in doing so, infringes on their autonomy and nina’s (crowley’s narrative mirror!) capacity to feel her own anger and sadness. and he has never liked that crowley is a demon. in his mind, the problem has always been that crowley was put in the wrong category, not that the entire system of dividing people and angels into Good and Bad is ridiculous. that’s the exact lesson he needs to learn.

and yes, his intentions are good, absolutely. I don’t think aziraphale ever acts out of malice, and I do think he genuinely wants the best for the people around him, particularly crowley. after all, if crowley is accepted as an angel again, as aziraphale has always secretly considered him to be, their relationship can (in his mind) finally stop being so fraught with danger and conflict. (the other side of that, of course, is that aziraphale can also stop being so ashamed for loving someone who is supposed to be Bad, and everything in his life will make sense again, the way it hasn’t since he met that star maker who got so upset about god’s plan.)

but that’s not who crowley is, and it never has been. even before he fell, crowley’s recklessness and relentless questions made aziraphale uncomfortable. their relationship has never been safe or easy, and in wanting to make it so, aziraphale is demonstrating a desire to change the parts of crowley that led to his fall, whether he intends to or not.

I’m rambling, but the point is: the insistence on reframing this moment as a purely selfless, calculated, self-sacrificing decision by aziraphale to protect crowley and the world ignores the uglier parts of the things he said in order to make their eventual reconciliation less complicated, and it’s really frustrating to me. crowley is in fact right to be upset by what he said, and it’s not just a misunderstanding that can be fixed with aziraphale saying “I was only trying to protect you!” and another kiss. it’s a culmination of all of the double think aziraphale has been doing in order to preserve his vision of heaven as The Source Of Truth And Light And Good since before the beginning of time, and it’s time for him to finally unpack it.

(and because every post on the final fifteen needs a disclaimer: aziraphale is trying his best and has an incredible amount of love in his heart and wants so badly to do good and ALSO the things he says, does, and believes can be incredibly hurtful and destructive. all of these things can be true.)

[kokokerome]

The other anons: "KoKo KeEpS dRaWiNg ThIs OuT wHaT iS wRoNg WiTh ThEm?!?!?" Also the other anons: *Has to try and constantly attempt to prove their moral superiority over KoKo with the most passive aggressive, holier than thou approach while simultaneously not knowing the whole of the story and clearly only ever seeing maybe a third of the evidence. Which, in turn, becomes the major reason into why none of this has died down or gone silent because they're the real reason. Because they think they're entitled to be allowed to constantly berate, belittle, and give their two cents on points and topics that have been beaten into the ground without KoKo responding or defending himself at all. Obviously this is due to the fact that since KoKo has done wrong he loses any right to decency or being treated like a human, and instead only deserves to be dogpiled on by people not even directly involved for the sake of 'giving their two cents' or unsolicited advice.* It's past beating a dead horse at this point, they've beaten past the dead horse and are digging a hole in the earth with how much they're all ganging up on you with their sense of moral high ground. Wrongs have been admitted, apologies have been given, accountability has been upheld. Everyone might think they have a right to speak their peace and give their opinion even if no one fucking asked for it. But no one asks themselves if they really should. Like, if they want to see it die down, and to see it stop, then they wouldn't be sending you these fucking anon asks. They'd, you know, leave it the hell alone. Maybe grumble to themselves a bit and then move on. Oh, and I already know what they're going to say if you respond to this. Predictions are: "Oh, well Koko doesn't have to respond to the asks. He could just ignore them and only respond to the asks unrelated to them. He's still the reason it's being dragged out because he keeps responding." (You mean like when he does and then those PSA threads just send Miorjah's rapid fan base hurtling to KoKo's other online accounts and mass report them just to get him banned because how dare he do like a couple things wrong he doesn't deserve to move on or learn or forget or still make a living) Or "Well, actually, I do have the right to give my two cents because he needs to know that what he did was wrong because he hasn't shown remorse the right way according to me. If he doesn't want to get dogpiled then he should just turn his asks off, he's asking for the comments leaving them open." (Which, that's like super victim-blamey. Because guess what? You can do wrong and still end up a victim. Those two ideas can coexist and both be true. His apology does not negate the fact that a lot of fucked up things happened to him afterwards that does not scale to the "severity" of the shit he did wrong.) FUCK this turned into a tangent and I'm sorry if you legit read it and respond to it. It's just like so frustrating it's funny. I hope one day it gets better for you man. This is all just dumb.

wow I normally don't read the super long anons cause most of them are just talking about how much they hate me but wow this person actually has a brain. Like your not being rude to miorjah, your still acknowledging my faults and miorjahs crazy fans.

Hats off to you anon.

[thattimdrakeguy]

for what it's worth, you're not alone with feeling like this for dc comics nor the upcoming movies. I lost 99% of my interest in the dceu too when I saw the line up and I've seen a fair few others express the same. I'm mostly just having fun going through the old comics atp and appreciating what I've always loved about the universe, but I'm not about to settle for mediocrity just to fit in to dc's current fandom. celebrating what we enjoy and leaving the rest seems a good way to move forward

I genuinely thought James Gunn was gonna fix some stuff up, 'cause I loved his Guardians of the Galaxy, and laughed hysterically at all the jokes in The Suicide Squad no matter how immature a lot of it was. So I thought 'Oh, okay so this is great'.

Losing Henry Cavill sucked, but ya know, I don't feel like a strange one thinking "Well, if everyone's being recast I guess that makes sense."

Now it's just "Well, okay, fuck you James Gunn. I love your movies that I've seen so far, but also fuck you. This new shit is insulting"

If the movies end up being a big success, I won't be surprised. I know most people don't really give a shit about characterization. You can literally write the characters as anything and little shit-munchers will do some mental gymnastics to defend it. It really doesn't matter.

But oof I've just had enough. I blocked a lot of stuff on Twitter, so I won't even get updates on anything anymore. I'll check out the casting and costumes probably, but anything beyond the Superman project, which I must admit I do have an interest in, because I feel like that could still be good, I'm checking out of.

Then with the comics it's like, oh boy, Tom Taylor? Woo-weee, can't wait to read severely out of character characters people praise because it did a lot of fan service no matter if it makes sense or not.

Like what is it, and modern comic book writers, and being unable to successfully write a satisfying book that gives something people wanna buy without relying on out of character fandom shit? Are they that incapable.

Dick's just a sitcom character, you wouldn't even recognize him if you were a time traveler that came from back when Dick was actually treated seriously, like who he was as a specific character mattered.

Tim's stuck in someone's fan fiction--like him calling Damian his baby brother? Bernard looking like that? That thin writing? Hahahaha give me a damn break, it's sooooo freaking bad. And his comic is so ugly. I know that artist would be perfect for something else, but not Tim, jeezus.

I was pretty excited when I thought Tim was going to be gay, because in my head I assumed it really took someone that new Tim's character well, and saw all the moments other gay people did that really connected to them and their experiences and let them relate to him.

Instead nah, it's instead "I really shipped Tim and Conner, and I wasn't sure if they let me do Conner. So I heard about Bernard, I don't know much about him, but he'll do I guess". Like there is no shame what so ever.

I don't even have a clue what's going on with Jason but I don't care, 'cause he hasn't been a good character since Under The Hood. I'm not down this this retconned filled copycat they've been peddling for over a decade. I want the actually interesting, stand-out Jason that had some of the biggest potential for character arcs. Not the one they fucked up time and time again.

Batgirls sucks. Like admittedly I haven't read it, but come on, don't pretend like enough hasn't been shared for it to be obvious. I know the characters well enough. There's a difference between 'Bad Faith' and 'Their is literally a massive gaping flaw right fucking there, look at it'. It has ruined them for the time being. I don't need to buy the entire sofa to inspect it further, when the massive coffee stain is RIGHT fucking THERE.

Damian hasn't been a consistently good character since Morrison. I seriously don't care what anybody says. If you have to put the character in situations and moments that would never happen or make no sense to make them likable, I think you're a bad writer, because fuck off, the original Damian as he grew was a great character, and I'm not here for this babified version made to appeal to the easiest common dominator. There is a difference between a character growing and just being out of character. I heard his solo wasn't that bad with him, but I still have no interest in it regardless.

So I can't read any of the Bat-Family. I thought about reading 'Batman' 'cause I heard after that really messy, badly paced, awkwardly written first arc it got better. But then again, I heard Teen Titans (2003), Tom Taylor's literally anything, Steph's Batgirl run, Super Sons and Red Hood and the Outlaws were all good, and those were some of the most frustrating reads of my life because they all changed the characters so much, or bad some of the most logic-less decisions that I was at a total lost at what made people like them.

I wanna read a comic the same way I enjoy a movie or TV franchise. Enjoy the stories, characters, arcs, and simply being able to enjoy it.

Reading and going "Okay that makes no sense" or "They so wouldn't do that" again and again feels like being grounded and punished.

Plus, old comics aren't even flawless, not that something has to be for me to like it. But when I read it so much that the flaws start sticking out more, then I'm making myself miserable again.

Like I used to be able to read Dixon's Robin run despite his shitty way of being, because it was good, and it still is, but those moments were Dixon projects parts of his own personality into the characters stick out to me way more now.

And the way fan's treat Bart made me too sad to read the good part of Impulse, and Cassie never had a solo I liked.

At least the mighty Ultimate Spider-Man is there, that never fails. But all this other stuff has me timid to read it.

--

Apologies for the rant and all, but all things considered what else do people do on Tumblr? Have polite conversation?

--

And for a long time just trying to share what I liked was enough for me, but I think I literally eventually simply said all I could say, and I felt I was repeating myself for ages.

Then there was seeing other fans just be total weirdos and lie about what happened, or at the very least stretch and hide details of the truth, just to make their favorite or what ever look better just to make people believe their desires:

Which is fucking creepy. Yeah you, who does that, in the event that you read this, it's fucking weird. Who does that, and why? Move onto something you actually like you kraken.

It's inevitable I might remake old posts for the sake of newer people, because some of the best vibes I've ever had was when I was making long informational posts for people to learn about the characters in easy to understand direct ways.

It satisfied my Autism and got me some praise, and compliments that made me feel like "Hey that mental thing I have isn't all bad!"

But when the people who used to care about that kind of stuff stops, and you're eventually left alone. It's pretty much back to the bottom for me, and my mental quirks are back to being a thing that causes me to be yelled at, by people who don't understand how I actually function.

--

I don't understand Ben 10 Alien Force in hindsight, why is everyone so different in a way that doesn't seem plausible within 5-seemingly-uneventful-for-the-most-part-years.

It felt like more of a reboot then the actual reboot looking back at it. And I loved it as a kid, and would probably still love reading it, but I feel like people don't talk about that enough.

--

Also the Eleventh Doctor makes me sad because I felt like he could've been the best, but when he stopped being "Old Quirky, formerly senile man in a young energetic intellectual body" and started treated more like a child it sort of ruined him. How you gonna give him moments where he's treated like the ultimate bad ass, he's just quirky, and then completely drop all of that to make him a joke. That's sad.

--

I also like WWE, but can't think of anything to say besides I think Roman Reigns is the worst part of the Bloodline and that he'd be better not being champion, because he doesn't make the titles feel like they truly matter. They're set decorations, rather than a plot point that feels important anymore.

Love the Sami stuff, and Roman's character work, but his matches without someone against him that's super great are really boring ignoring any storyline shenanigans that happen in them. It's a drag to have to wait to those moments.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

I would love to see Jake in therapy! Especially as a victim of abuse himself, being hurt by people who this time genuinely don't know better or don't mean to hurt him must be very triggering. He can't react with anger and he won't let himself feel it because he prioritises them.

CW: Discussion of childhood abuse, domestic violence, brief religious talk and a VERY extended wildfire metaphor, I'm so sorry

Takes place after The Same Bed Arc

-

"You know what I hate the most about my job?"

The question pops out of him seemingly without his consent. Jake finds himself confused as he hears his own voice, feels his own mouth moving to form the words. But once he starts, he can't quite stop.

Dr. Berger's eyebrows raise, slightly, looking up from the calendar she's carefully making coded notations in. They've been scheduling out the next three months of clandestine appointments for the runaways, fitting them in here or there around her schedule, when she can find her way to safe places where no one will be tracked. "Jake?"

He rakes a hand back through his hair, stubbornly refusing to refer to it as his good hand, because then he'd have to admit that he still hasn't got the grip strength he used to have on the other one. How long can he hide the tingling nerves, the way sometimes his fingers feel numb? How long can he disguise having to shift to using one arm instead of both?

How long can he keep-

"The goddamn lying. That's what I hate the most."

Dr. Berger doesn't visibly react, really. Her gaze shifts briefly to one side, checking that the door to her office is closed, then back to his face. "It is an unfortunate necessity in what we do," She says, voice low, warm and empathetic. "But I can see how it would be exhausting, even when you're experienced in this line of work.”

"It’s not even because of work, that's what I fucking hate." Jake sits back, running his hand over his face. He's so tired. He's staying awake too much, watching Kauri sleep, the bruises around his neck finally fading. He's clingy, Kauri, holding onto Jake all night and waking up the second he gets out of bed for a drink or to visit the bathroom. And if he's not holding onto Jake, he's clinging to Antoni instead. Antoni, who only shakes his head when Jake asks if he needs some space, and refuses to be separated from Kauri whatsoever, even when it's clearly costing him. He just keeps staying there, watching and waiting for another attack that they know isn't coming - the one who wants to hurt Kauri is gone, as gone as you can get - but neither of them can stop waiting for it, anyway.

Kauri is back to his old way of saying I know it's stupid, but can you tell me you love me? with a brittle, false sparkling brilliance that will shatter like glass if anyone hesitates a second too long before they respond.

It's too familiar. It hurts too much.

“I hate that I started lying when I was four and I’ve never stopped.” There. The words are out, and there’s a relief alongside the tightness in his throat, that eternal drumbeat of shame that he’s never been able to shake. All the audiobooks he’s played in his car, the well-meaning therapy shit on the internet, none of it ever made him able to shake the shame. Not all the way. Not completely. 

“You’ve mentioned your difficulties as a child before.” 

He looks at her, blinking. She’s sitting back, too, hands folded in her lap. The perfect representation of calm professionalism, even in her weekend sweats and short ponytail, meeting him after an hour at her hot yoga class. Which she claims is miserable but ‘exhilarating’, which to Jake mostly just seems like ‘miserable, but too expensive not to pretend to like’.

“You’re treating me like a patient,” He says, and there’s humor in his voice that he doesn’t really feel. It’s not a statement, honestly, it’s more of a question, if one he already knows the answer to.

She nods, mostly just tipping her chin slightly down, head to the side. “You seem like you need someone to talk to, lately,” She says, and there’s no hint of annoyance or irritation in voice or face. Only her empathy, which he’s seen turned on so many of the runaways over the years, now aimed right at him. “But I’ve been thinking that you seem like you need someone to talk to lately more or less since you were twenty-three years old.”

“Christ, has it been that long?” He groans. “God, it has. I’m getting old.”

“You’re not even thirty-five, Jake.” She smiles wide enough for him to catch the dimple on one side. “But I know the feeling. I felt old at your age, too. And then somehow I kept getting older without actually feeling any wiser."

“Funny how that happens. I’m all right, Andrea, I really am, but I just… you know, it never stops. And that’s what I wanted, I knew from the first month I worked for Nat I didn’t want to do anything else with my life, but with… with what happened to Kauri… I’m wondering if I’m even strong enough to do this forever.”

“Very few people are,” Dr. Berger says gently. “That’s nothing to feel upset or ashamed of.”

“Nat never stopped.” 

“Nat’s quite the exception to the rule.” Dr. Berger exhales without quite opening her mouth all the way, looking towards the window in her office, the tree outside. Her fingers tap idly along the top of one thigh. “But even she is only taking on one person right now-”

“Two, if you count Vince.”

Dr. Berger’s lip twitches in another slight smile. “Fine. Two. But my point is that Nat is a very driven person, yes, but even she needed to step back for a while. It’s not a problem to become worn down by the work you do. And lying is difficult, even lying for survival. Our minds dislike dishonesty, even our own. You can’t make a baseline of success based on someone else’s career path, because you are not Natalie Yoder.”

“God, no. I’m sure not. I wouldn’t ever have worked for WRU, for one thing.”

Dr. Berger is quiet for a beat, and then asks softly, “Do you resent her?”

“I did, for a while after I found out. After I found out she’d lied to us for so long, when I had-... when I hadn’t lied to her, you know-... but she had lied to us. And then they showed me that photo of her…  Yeah, I was angry for a while.”

“Because of the lying?”

“Because of the lying to me.” He shakes his head. Somehow it’s found its way into his hands, palms pressed to his temples over his eyebrows. The office is a little over-warm - she keeps the thermostat higher on the weekends so the air won’t run as hard. The wildfires have finally come under control, but the smoke travels and the sun outside seems weaker, a little orange, even in the middle of the day. But still, the smell in the air keeps Jake on edge. 

Like he can’t quite shake the way the air smelled when he was racing his car towards Vince’s house, following Keira’s directions and praying he wouldn’t be too late.

And he almost was.

Staring at Kauri in Antoni’s arms, the weeping and the tears. The blood, only realizing once he had them both in his own arms that the blood wasn't Kauri's, but Owen's.

Realizing only when Vince and Nat were headed for the bathroom that Vince had been the one to wield the knife.

He'd already been thinking about the lies they would tell to explain Owen’s death, even before he could bring back home the person he loves most on earth. It’s always been about the lies they’ll use to save themselves, it’s always been about the lies he’ll tell to protect his family.

“Is it-... Jake, this is a delicate question, but is it because it reminds you of your-”

“Dad?” He cuts her off. Somehow it feels safer to be the one to say it out loud. He looks up to see her throat move as she swallows, to take in the plain, worn blue of her sweatshirt. She has little wrinkles around her eyes like Nat does, and did she have any of them when he first met her, or has that just come with the time, the years that have passed while they worked to help frightened, hurting people heal? 

She nods.

“Yeah.” He laughs, airy and bitter and humorless. “It does remind me of him, definitely. Of telling people at church that I fell out of a tree instead of that my dad grabbed me hard enough to dislocate my shoulder, and then sitting through a stupid fucking Sunday School lecture about the ‘importance of honesty’ and God knowing when we lie. Of my mother laughing with my grandparents about being so dang clumsy when every single person at the Thanksgiving table giving thanks for our good fortune knew he’d punched her. Of telling myself that I wasn’t angry she didn’t leave even though I was punching the wall until my hands bled when I thought about having to keep living in that house with him. Seven year old kids shouldn’t be angry enough to do that!“

She doesn’t say anything, but at least she doesn’t have her notebook out. It feels less like real therapy if she doesn’t have her notebook, if she’s just listening. It makes it easier to keep talking, knowing that the words simply dissolve into the air after he says them, and there’s no one keeping a record of his confessions.

“I feel like I’m always angrier than the people hurt worse than I was,” Jake whispers. His eyes burn, and he’s surprised to feel tears welling when he blinks, even more shocked when one rolls, warm and and then suddenly cold, down his face. His heart twists, chilled and burning inside his chest. “I was always angrier than my mom, I’m angrier about Owen Grant than Kauri is. I’m always fighting off my anger while they’re coming up with reasons it happened, and they’re not even reasons, they’re-... they’re… God, I don’t know what. No, I do, I do. They’re excuses. Justifications. Even Kauri, even Kauri sometimes talks about how Owen Grant was lonely, like it fucking matters. They get hurt anyway, those assholes hurt them, Owen tried to kill them, and I’m supposed to, what, just… make it better, but not admit what was wrong in the first place?"

He groans, a sound that seems like it wells up against his will, comes pouring out of somewhere deep inside him that has been coiled and tense and twisted for his entire life. Water rushing through a canyon after the bursting of a dam.

“I just feel like… like I can’t get away from lying. I wanted to help people but I’m doing the same shit I’ve always done. And I can’t ever seem to stop it before it happens. Just... pick up the pieces."

“You feel like you are drawn to people who have been subjected to intense abuse because of your early years, and that it’s become a cycle of telling lies to protect them while perhaps not feeling like you are fully succeeding.” She rephrases it so succinctly, so perfectly, and, well… there’s a reason she’s the therapist and he’s just some guy who keeps the door open for hurting people to come in out of the cold.

“Yeah.”

“Do you think you’ve been having a resurgence of this anger because of what happened with Kauri? It’s very understandable-”

“Not just him. I mean, yeah, that didn’t help, but…” He rubs at his left hand with his right. His fingertips spark and tingle, like his hands gone to sleep, only sometimes it doesn’t stop for hours at a time. He can’t really feel the pressure of his right hand through the nerves in his left, and like always, a part of him is cold with fear at what that means. “Ever since… ever since I was stabbed, really.”

“Since Jameson stabbed you.” She says it without blame or recrimination towards Jameson, simply names the events for what they are.

It helps.

God, it helps to hear someone else say it.

“Yeah, since, since then. Since Jameson stabbed me. Mostly because… there’s some kind of thing wrong with my arm, my hand, ever since. And I’m… I’m not telling them about it.”

“You’re lying to them about your injuries that came as a result of someone else’s loss of control over their actions, and this feels like your childhood with your father?”

“... it’s not-... my dad could have controlled it. My dad knew what he was doing, he wanted to hurt me, to hurt my mom. It’s not really the same. Jameson didn’t even know who I was. He has these flashbacks, worse than anyone else I’ve ever worked with, where he can be-... violent. Nat says it’s mostly under control, now, with his medication. He still has them occasionally, but now that he’s not in the house with someone who reminds him of the guy who hurt him, or one of them. Which… apparently I do. Remind him of one of those bastards, which, doesn't that feel great to hear."

Another bitter laugh.

“I mean, people always told me I was just like my dad-... that I looked just like him, I mean. Shit. Well, that’s a goddamn Freudian slip, huh?”

She pauses. “It does seem to suggest you have a certain amount of concern over repeating the cycle of abuse within your own relationships, yes. We can talk about that, but I want to stay with the worry you came in here carrying. It’s a heavy weight, Jake. A lifetime of practicing deception would be difficult for anyone, no matter their inner strength. Let me say that I do wonder if there isn’t an element of this injury weighing even more heavily on you because you are lying to the people you are usually lying for.”

That hits. 

That hits hard.

He rubs at the skin between thumb and forefinger, pinching it as hard as he can. He barely feels it. “... probably. That’s probably true. But everyone is hurting, and they need me to be the strong one, you know?”

She pauses. Considers his words. “Do they, Jake?”

He’s so tired.

Jake wonders, idly, how many times he thinks about how tired he is, each and every day. How much of his life has been spent thinking those exact words, if you added together every single second?

“I think they do. I have to be in control, I have to be the one who doesn’t get torn apart, because they already have been. They need someone to always be the, the rock, you know? ‘The wise man builds his house upon the rock’, you ever heard that song?”

“Can’t say I have.”

“Oh. It’s a church song, for kids. ‘The wise man builds his house upon the rock,’” Jake manages a slight tuneless singing, then lets it fade, an embarrassed flush marking his cheeks. “I have to be the rock.”

A bird sings outside the window, chirping happily, and Jake turns to look. Through the slits of the oversized wooden blinds, he can see it sitting at a bird feeder, happily dipping its beak to pick up seeds while a jealous squirrel chitters from a tree branch nearby. 

“I would perhaps note that there are other places to build a house than on a solid, unmoving rock.” Dr. Berger doesn’t sound mocking, or like she’s being humorous or even lightly making fun of his thoughts. She follows him down the confusing trail of his conversation, and leads him back to the main path, the larger one where he can sort of see the next marker telling him where to turn. “Rock subjected to water will eventually crumble and wear away. It can shatter under pressure, you know. And it can be hard work to build a long-lasting foundation when you have to break into the stone to do it.”

“They built skyscrapers in New York by drilling into the bedrock,” Jake counters.

Dr. Berger smiles. “But skyscrapers must be built with flexibility, Jake. They sway, they shift, they move with the wind and the ground beneath them. Otherwise… well. Otherwise, they would just fall with the pressure caused by ordinary wind. The foundation is important, but so are the components used to create the structure itself.”

“I… can’t think of any other building metaphors to argue with,” Jake admits after a pause, and she laughs, warmly, and then he does, too. Some of the tightly coiled anxiety inside of him relents, just a little, and the anger goes with it. “In any case, the idea of the song is from a Bible verse. Uh, ‘everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house. Yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.’”

“I have seen houses pulled off the rock they were built on into flooded rivers,” Dr. Berger says softly, “And pulled apart by the water, left as just some wood and nails, Jake. I've seen videos of tornadoes picking a house up and turning it to puzzle pieces in seconds, no matter what it was built on. And anyone who had built a house on a rock without a basement would have been lifted up with it."

“Well, the idea isn’t exactly-... Jesus didn’t get to watch youtube videos. And I doubt He had much experience with tornadoes."

“No, He didn’t. When did you last read the Bible, Jake?”

“I don’t know. Long time ago. Don’t even own one any longer. Nat does, I think.” He rubs a hand over his face again. Maybe when he goes home he’ll lay down and ask if Kauri wants to nap with him. 

“But you still had that bit about the rock, what, memorized?”

“Yeah. Turns out when you win the stupid Bible memorization quiz competition four years in a row, that shit sticks with you.”

“I can see that.” She hesitates, and then picks up the pen she’d been using to make the appointments for the runaways. She taps it lightly on her desk, over the oversized calendar she uses, that takes up most of the space in front of her. “Jake, you have spent a lot of years letting anger build up inside of you because you are afraid to express it. You’ve said as much, that you fear your resemblance to your father becoming more than simply physical. And mentioning this incident with Jameson, I think… to return to our incredibly tortured metaphor, I think… I think that that incident has been like increased wind, or pressure, and you are not able to shift or sway to hold yourself together, not forever. And Owen Grant’s attack on Kauri and Vince has increased that wind speed even more. You can’t keep going like this forever.”

“Probably not. But I can't stop, either. Who else can keep going, if I can’t? You know? If I don’t take care of everything, who’s going to?”

“They are. Kauri, Antoni, Chris. Everyone in your house. They adore you, Jake, and they are capable and probably more than happy to help you. But you have to be able to ask for and receive help in order for them to provide it.”

“Right. And how do I do that, exactly, when Kauri still looks like the attempted murder victim he is, Antoni won’t leave his side, and Chris has been calling himself names again since he saw them written on the wall at Laken’s? I mean, how do I ask for help from people who need help way more than I do?”

“It’s not a competition-”

“Sometimes it feels like it is.”

“I understand. Jake, I think you should start coming to see me. There’s a lot inside of you that you’ve been pushing down to help people. Providing that help is admirable, but if you keep going without slowing down or taking a breath, you’re going to collapse. I want you to have someone to talk to.”

“You?”

“Yes.” Dr. Berger smiles. “Me. I don’t mind. I’m actually easing out of taking regular patients, it’ll be time to retire for me soon, anyway. I have an opening on Thursday mornings. Would you like to start coming in at, say 9:30 in the morning? Each Thursday?”

Jake swallows, nods, then stops himself. “What do I tell the others I’m doing?”

“Jake.” Dr. Berger sighs, but her smile is still there. “You tell them exactly the truth. You’re going to therapy, too. Just like they do. You don’t lie to them about this, and we’re going to talk about how to stop lying about other things, too. Your deception has been self-protective, and protective of others, for so long that it’s become a survival mechanism. But you don’t need to protect yourself that way, not from your loved ones, not any longer.”

“It feels like it. It feels like I do.”

“Which is why I want to see you next Thursday, at 9:30 in the morning, coffee in hand.” She smiles. “Deal?”

He breathes out. His phone buzzes, and he glances down at it to see a message from Kauri. Three pizza emojis, question mark. If Kauri’s using emojis, today isn’t going well. 

If Antoni is happy with Kauri asking him to order pizzas instead of offering to cook, today is really not going well. 

Jesus, he’s so goddamn exhausted. He takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders.

“Deal,” He says, a little heavily. “Thursday, 9:30. Coffee in hand. Until then…”

“Until then, remind yourself that you’re allowed your anger. And they’re allowed to know about it, so that you can have fully honest expressions of your feelings with each other. Communication is key to a relationship, and I guarantee-... Jake, I guarantee that Antoni and Kauri are angry, too, about what’s happened. And that both of them are probably as frightened of expressing it as you are, if for different reasons. You have to talk to each other, and that means you, too.”

“... shit.”

Her smile widens slightly, wryly. “What? Hit the nail on the head?”

“Maybe a little bit. I guess there’s a reason you’re the therapist and not me.”

“I’m the therapist because what you and Nat do takes an amount of dedication and emotional strength that I don’t believe I am capable of. I admire the two of you immensely, Jake. You’ve no idea how much. But you both still need someone to help you, and I would love to be that person."

He feels his face burn hotter and looks away, huffing a little. “Right.”

“I’m quite serious. But just… think about what I said, okay? And we’ll start meeting professionally next week.”

“Got it. I think I need… I’m going to head home.” He pushes himself to his feet, and they say their goodbyes with Jake thinking it over, preoccupied as he walks out, hears the click of the door’s automatic lock behind him as he steps into the yellowish light. The scent of wildfire smoke sets his shoulders a little higher towards his chin, tenses his muscles.

The edge of the horizon, on one side, is still a little bit dark and orange.

The wildfires are under control, the news anchors say, but they’re still burning. The tragedy has already happened, there’s no prevention any longer, only recovery. Only trying to head it off before it gets any worse.

The trees are already stumps and ash, the wild animals have turned to blackened bone or escaped the inferno. Cars have wound their way down mountain roads burning on either side, vehicles packed to their roofs with whatever the people could take with them in the ten or twenty minutes they were given before they had to run, everything else left to be lost.

The bruises are already dark around Kauri’s throat and over his hips, his movements are already hesitant, his lips tremble when he wakes up, checking to be sure he isn't alone.

Jake has already been a little boy in the emergency room listening to his mother say his concussion is from falling on the pavement when it had been his father throwing him down, he’s already felt himself boil alive with rage he can’t let out. 

He's already been a teenager with a black eye on a bus in the middle of the night, told that it was a mistake that he was ever born by one of the two people who should have loved him unconditionally.

In what used to be the forests, dark charcoal marks are already cut so deeply into the earth that they’ll be visible for a long, long time. The smoke is already visible, in some spots, from space.

The damage is already done.

They can’t undo the fires.

They can only work, now, to encourage the green things to grow back up over the scars.

-

@burtlederp @finder-of-rings @endless-whump @astrobly @thefancydoughnut @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @downriver914 @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears @hackles-up @grizzlie70 @mylifeisonthebookshelf @keeper-of-all-the-random-things

[thermodynamic-comedian]

just re-watched asoue netflix finale episode.

you guys don't even want to read this, i am about to be so weird about this series.

ouugghhhh the. them finally driving in the fact that neither side of the schism is free of sin <2 hehe, sudden new perspective that changes the moral and ethical implications of everything that's happened in the series before *twirls hair and kicks feet* <222

olaf just being casually objectified. good. as he should. im happy. im happy he got put in that cage too btw. he is sooo pathetic and unwell and dramatic in this episode btw. if u even care.

klaus has grown up so much holy fuck. looking back at the first episodes and comparing him in them to him in this??? even his voice is so different oh my god. the boy really grew up. damn.

honestly i don't blame violet for wanting to stay on the island at first. she's been through so much, she's had to actively protect her siblings for so long, i don't blame her for being drawn to what seems like a happier, safer place.

i wish we would've seen sunny all grown up and stuff. see her be like an older sister to bea ii. might have to make a teenager/young adult sunny design. i think she'd be a culinary arts major. i also like to think later on in life she reached out to fernald and they're still friends and occasionally meet up and play card games whenever fernald's not at sea with his family :)

"you hurt people." "and people hurt me." actually losing my mind rn. that wasn't an accusation, and that wasn't an apology. that wasn't a judgement, and that wasn't an excuse. it's just two statements, both equally true. and they're both acknowledging things that they clearly haven't shared with each other before: kit's acknowledging how her feelings for olaf are in conflict with her morals, and olaf's acknowledging that his actions directly mirror the way he's been treated, specifically because he was unable to break that cycle. kit's admitting that she is not fine with what olaf's done to other people, and olaf's admitting that he's not fine with what's been done to him. it's not an emotional scene because they're in love; it's an emotional scene because of the lives they've lived.

hey do you guys think lemony ever tried to explain the complicated and could've-been-solved-with-polyamory mess that is sugar bowl gen's romantic subplots to bea ii. like was lemony ever just like "oh btw, i was in love with the woman you were named after, but she married this other guy. and they were the parents of the people that raised you. and also your mother used to date a criminal, who also used to date another criminal....and also my brother at some point probably. oh and my brother was also in love with this one librarian, and another one of our friends probably. oh and that other criminal? she also had a husband, who is now dating just some guy named charles i guess," and bea ii is just sitting there sipping root beer thinking "what the fuck man. i ain't never joining vfd this shit is wild."

[trans-p03g]

PLEASE TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE FACTORY RESET AU

SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO GET BACK TO, I WENT TO SLEEP YESTERDAY AND THEN I FORGOT

BUT ANYWAY HERE'S SOME CONTENT FOR YA

So, P03 is back to their old self,

They don't trust the other scrybes, they're nasty, they're demanding too much from their workers. They discarded all of the gifts they had from the other scrybes, things they previously held dear even if they wouldn't admit to it, they just simply mean nothing to them anymore. Thankfully the bots noticed that and saved the things P03 threw out so they're not lost forever, much to P03's annoyance (once it finds them).

It's naturally a nasty little bastard of a bot and makes snarky remarks about the other scrybes, hoping to get the raise out of them and is incredibly annoyed when that doesn't work. They did once insult Grimora, which made her excuse herself from the group so they wouldn't see her cry, and while Magnificus went after her Leshy instead snapped at P03. He tells them that the way that they're acting is unacceptable and to get their shit together, P03 tries to be dismissive but does eventually shut up. Leshy then leaves to find Grimora and Magnificus, leaving P03 alone. It's annoyed and doesn't understand what's the big deal but the combination of Grimora storming off and Leshy snapping at it was enough to make it keep its opinions on her to itself.

When it comes to Dredger, Inspector and Smelter, they're still loyal to P03 but that loyalty now has limits. After years of P03 actually treating them properly and like a friend, they're less willing to put up with the old asshole's bullshit. They do say no to him, they have boundaries and even call him out on his bullshit when it gets too much. It did surprise P03 a lot the first time it happened. This of course results in semi-frequent arguments in the factory. The three also try to be supportive of Grimora and help her in this situation any way they can, as they grew to like her a lot over the few years that she's been dating/married to their boss. (I am very passionate about P03's workers telling them to go fuck themselves)

So, believe it or not, P03 isn't an idiot. He eventually figures out that he and Grimora were a thing. They're...shocked, to say the least. Many things tipped them off to that fact, one of them being the fact that the main room they spent time in in the factory was modified to also accommodate a human. He chooses to keep that revelation to themselves for now though.

P03 is angry and tired of everything, they hate the fact that things changed and they hate that they're being treated differently from what they're used to. They hate the pitiful and sad looks they get and they hate being treated as if they've died. He hates the fact that he's stuck in the past while everybody moved on. But he's also incredibly stubborn and doesn't want to change, even believes he can't change. He doesn't feel remorse for anything he's done or said and he just wants things to get back to how he remembers them and is frustrated as hell when nothing he does seems to work.

Meantime Grimora isn't having the best time either. It hurts, but she still loves them. She tries to be there for them, even when they're being hostile and insult her, even when it doesn't trust her; she still loves it, even if it doesn't remember.

P03 eventually confront her about their relationship. Seemingly offended that she didn't inform them at first, it quickly devolves into them demanding to know why Grimora still cares for them. "Don't you get it?! I'm not your partner, I don't care for you, you should hate me! Why are you still here?!" and all she can reply is "Because I still love you", to which P03 quiets down and leaves for their factory without another word.

P03 does begin to change, eventually. It takes a long time, but they start to feel guilt. Not often, not for everything they do or say, but it's there. A small sting of regret whenever they insult their fellow scrybes or workers. Part of them wants to take it back, before they shove that part deeper inside. But it's there, and it gets harder to ignore.

They start to be more distant. They mellow out. They're quieter and start avoiding others, which doesn't take long to be noticed. At first, they were angry, they had an insane victim complex, they hated the other scrybes and wanted them to hate them back. But now? It feels guilty. Guilty over not remembering, over the incident that caused all of this, even over not being able to care for or love Grimora the same way that she cares for them. They start to wish they could remember. And they hate all of it; the regret and shame make them feel weak and pathetic. But they're honestly sick of this entire situation, they want things to get back to normal, to have any kind of normalcy, to not be treated so differently; even if it isn't the kind of normal they remember. So they try to find any system backup, if it even exists. They partly hate the idea, but they honestly just want to be done with this entire situation.

Obviously, no such backup exists, and P03 wastes days or even weeks trying to find it. It gets frustrated and angry. Eventually, Grimora comes to check up on them after noticing they've been off lately, and catches them shuffling through things and pacing around the place. It worries her but any questions she has get deflected, until she presses more and P03 eventually snaps at her that he's trying to find a system backup, and before she can even react he continues; "I'm sick of this! I'm sick of everything! I'm sick of everybody treating me like a dead man walking! I just want to remember, I want to feel normal, I want to love you back but I can't find that FUCKING backup!"

Obviously, they're gonna have to just accept that a backup doesnt exist. But that's kind of a turning point for them. It does take them some time though.

At some point, P03 goes and apologises to Grimora for not remembering and not loving her back, apologies for that incident despite it not being their fault, but Grimora simply sushes them and pulls them into a hug. They pause for a moment then finally apologise for how they've treated her and how they've behaved in general. No excuses, no nothing, just a sincere apology that Grimora would never expect from the old P03. It actually puts a smile on her face.

P03 eventually decides to embrace the change, that whatever will happen happens and it's pointless to cling to the past when all it does is hurt them and everybody around them. They try to be friendlier and start to repair their broken relationships. And yes, P03 eventually does start developing feelings for Grimora again. She would have honestly been content with just being friends, but she's definitely not complaining when P03 confesses to her again.

There's also plenty of Grimora angst in this and some fluff when P03 tries to be a better bot again and starts falling for Grimora again, but it's half past midnight and I am too tired to write all of this. So I'll just leave you with this instead;

One angsty doodle, one fluffy doodle with humanoid!P03 design for this AU before shit hit the fan

[staticscreenwriting]

Love like the movies // Bucky Barnes // 6

SIX - GHOST

Trigger warning: Alcohol, food, mention of sex (nothing graphic and no actual smut)

Masterlist

Summary: This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Bucky Barnes, finds himself thrown into a world that seems so different from everything he’s ever known. The girl, (Y/N) knows entirely too much about rom-coms and is quite particular about the way she eats her popcorn. Bucky meets (Y/N) a few months after returning to NYC. He knows almost immediately that becoming her friend is inevitable. This is a story of boy meets girl. This is a story about love. (Bucky Barnes x female!Reader // a few spoilers for TFATWS)

"You held hands?"

"Mmh."

"And then you cuddled."

"We didn't cuddle, I was just kind of - leaning into him. Sort of."

"So you cuddled!"

"Sure. If that's what you wanna call it. We cuddled."

"Then what?" Robin inquires. Smirking at (Y/N) over the rim of her wine glass, like a giddy pre-teen waiting for the kissing scene to come up in a romance movie.

"And nothing. That's it."

"Oh come oooon. You cozied up to each other and then just what - acted like it never happened?"

"Essentially. But that's okay. It's not a big deal. And don't say it like that."

"Like what?" Robin continues to poke and by this point, it's not so much her wanting information than her trying to rile up (Y/N). Though she's very well aware of this, (Y/N) falls for it anyway.

"Cozied up to each other," (Y/N) says and scrunches her nose up in distaste. "Like we had dirty sex or something."

"Do you want to have dirty sex with him? Oh man, imagine what that arm can do."

Holding her hand out to stop her best friend from talking, (Y/N) takes a big gulp of white wine, emptying her glass. This is a conversation that can't be held entirely sober. "First of all, don't say those things about his arm. It's- I don't know. It doesn't sit right with me."

"Sorry yeah that was … not cool" Robin apologizes and by the tone of her voice (Y/N) can tell she means it.

"I'm the first to admit that Bucky is insanely handsome and if things were different, sure. But we're friends and I really enjoy the time spent together and our friendship. I don't wanna do anything to jeopardize it or ruin it by adding unnecessary feelings to it."

"Feelings aren't unnecessary," Robin replies, combing her fingers through her fiery red curls.

"Sometimes they are. The last thing Bucky and I need is broken hearts and ruined friendships."

"What if it doesn't end that way?"

"Relationships never work out well for me, you know that."

Robin places her glass on the countertop. It means whatever talk is gonna follow, it'll be a serious one. There's been very little need for a serious talk between the girls over the time they've been friends but neither of them has ever been afraid to start those conversations and say things as they are. Sometimes that's what friendship is, being blunt even if it's not what your friend wants to hear.

"Look I'm not saying you have to take the relationship to another level. If this is making you happy the way it is, then that's all that matters to me. I just don't want you to give up on something that could be great, because you're scared and because some stupid assholes in the past didn't realize what they had in you."

Where she's only had shit luck with relationships, (Y/N) thinks she's really lucked out in the friend department. Robin is as wonderful as they come. Even if she drives her crazy sometimes.

"They weren't all assholes." (Y/N) chimes up weakly though there's not even enough determination in her voice to convince herself.

"Weren't they? Let's see ...I'm not even gonna talk about Russel. He doesn't count. Who else was there? Pete liked to show you off but he didn't like you. Did he?"

"Not really."

"See? Asshole! Kylie only wanted to be with you so she could be the cool girl who's fucked another girl once and use that as something to brag to the guys about."

"She was figuring herself out."

"She was straight, babe. She was using you and your sexuality as some kind of badge of honor so guys would think she's cool. She only wanted to make out with you at parties and when there were men around to ogle you. I’m the last person to blame anyone for trying to figure out who they are and who they like but that wasn’t the case here. She used you, and what does that make her?"

“ An asshole? “

“ An asshole!”

“ What about Ricky, he wasn’t an asshole! “ (Y/N) chimes in, filling her glass up once more.

“ Okay sure but he was your High School sweetheart and that rarely lasts. I’m not gonna count him. What about Mike —“

“— Okay, you’ve made your point. I have a bad taste in romantic partners, I get it. Doesn’t change anything. Me and Bucky we’re — we’re good as we are. No romance needed.”

“ Just don’t want you to miss out on something great.”

It’s not that the thought has never crossed her mind. In fact, when she’s being really honest to herself, it swirls around her head a lot. When he grants her one of his smiles. The rare ones that make his eyes crinkle. Or when he comes to see her and brings dog treats for Lady, just because he’s that thoughtful. Or when she noticed he put a popcorn and a sun emoji next to her name in his phone. The popcorn, as he said because she liked movies and the sun because she’s always happy and smiling. Or when he held her hand throughout the entire movie. Those are moments when (Y/N) thinks about what it would be like to be more than friends.

“ It’s great as it is now. He’s great.”

“ Then that’s all that matters to me.” Robin smiles. She has one of those smiles that makes you feel at home. Comfortable and soft. Like warm milk with honey a mom makes their child when they can’t sleep.

It’s a while later, when (Y/N) strolls back into the room, another bottle of wine in hand, that a knock sounds on her front door. Her eyes wander to Robin then to the door then back. “I’m not expecting anyone.”

“ Oh, that’s Bucky.” Robin, who’s by now migrated over to (Y/N)’s huge fluffy couch, Lady cuddled onto her lap, says with the most casual of tones (Y/N) has ever heard. As if Bucky and her have been lifelong friends. As if there is nothing strange or peculiar about this situation.

“ How do you know?”

Robin shrugs and goes back to petting Lady’s curly fur. “ He texted you when you were getting the wine. Said he was around and had food. I told him to come join us for movie night. What’s the big deal? “

“ I uh — it’s not I just — you could’ve told me. “

“ That was literally 5 minutes ago babe. I had no time to tell you yet. By the way, this man uses entirely too many emojis.”

A smile pulls on the corners of (Y/N)’s lips. She’s asked him once why he never used any emojis, or smileys as he called them (all of them — even the ones that aren’t faces). He told her he didn’t really understand when to use most of them, like the shrimp or the Hockey stick. (Y/N) told him it’s because they’re fun. Ever since then he uses all kinds of emojis with her. None really relating to his messages. It’s quite endearing if she’s being honest.

“ Are you gonna let him in? “ Robin asks, shaking (Y/N) out of her thoughts.

The smell of Chinese food floods into the apartment as (Y/N) opens her door to Bucky. He looks so effortlessly cool in his leather jacket and boots. With his hair a little longer now, all swoopy and quiffed. Like the bad boy straight from a romance novel. The one with a heart of gold. The one that gets the girl.

(Y/N) is not that girl, the one from the novels, the Hallmark movies. The one that’s quirky but never weird. The one that makes all the boys fall for her. She’s not the main character, at least according to herself. She’s the side character that shows up like twice. The one that helps the main character on their quest to self-discovery or true love. That’s who she is. Not more, not less.

“ I brought food!” Bucky exclaims as he steps inside, waving the bag around before placing it on the kitchen counter, to which Lady jumps up from her position on Robin’s lap.

Lady, (Y/N) has realized a while ago, has somehow fallen head over paws in love with Bucky. Always following him, looking up at him with her big brown puppy eyes. Always looking to be close to him. Maybe, (Y/N) thinks, it’s the treats he always carries around. But maybe it’s Bucky too and his patience and his affection and the way he greets the little dog like she’s the main reason he’s come around.

Moments like this, they come with those little flutters around the heart. People always compare them to butterflies. (Y/N) thinks that’s wrong. Butterflies are gentle, graceful, and soft. This feels like a swarm of bees. Chaotic. Overwhelming. A little bit scary.

“ Man, did you plan on coming here, or did you buy all this for yourself?” Robin asks, eyes wide in surprise at the sheer amount of styrofoam containers Bucky keeps pulling from the bags.

“ I kind of bought it with the intention of sharing, yeah. “

Robin’s eyes meet (Y/N)’s across the room and there's a silent secret there, hidden in her teasing smirk. One shared only with a friend. No words. No sounds. Just the truth and two knowing hearts connecting.

“ Am I intruding? If you guys want me to leave, I can leave. “

While he tries to keep his voice casual, the sad tint doesn’t get lost on (Y/N).

“ Absolutely not, don’t be silly. We’re just drinking wine and watching a movie and you are free to join us in both.”

While he shakes his head at her offer of wine, Bucky helps (Y/N) bring the food over to the couch and plops down in the middle of the couch, Robin to his right and (Y/N) on his left.

“ What are we watching? “ he asks, a dumpling already on the way into his mouth.

“ Well, “ Robin responds filling her glass up once more, “ it was (Y/N)’s turn to chose so —”

“ A rom-com”

“ A rom-com. “

Something about seeing these two interact and joke around inspires a fuzzy feeling to wrap itself around (Y/N)’s heart. Even if they’re making fun of her.

The way Bucky fits in here, as if it’s where he’s always belonged. The way he’s not a stranger imposing but a friend added to the mix. It’s a nice feeling. She hopes he feels it too.

“ Okay, whatever. This isn’t your usual rom-com though, there are ghosts in this one. “

“ Is it ghosts falling in love?” Robin asks and lets her laugh get swallowed by her wine glass.

“ No. Well — uh kinda but not really. They fall in love be — you know what, just start the damn movie! “

There’s an undeniable intimacy in watching your favorite movies with other people. It’s like giving away little pieces of yourself and sharing them with others. No matter how insignificant it may seem to anyone else but you. These are the things that make us who we are. Our passions. For art. For music. For books. For movies. And opening up is always scary. Even if it’s just a teeny tiny bit.

Through the corner of her eye (Y/N) glances at Bucky and Robin, trying to judge their reactions. See if they’re enjoying themselves or not. Bucky displays his ever-present scowl. It’s the default setting. Sometimes she wonders if that has always been the case. If that's just what he looks like or if years of abuse, horror, pain have left their marks on him, on not only his heart but also his face.

Maybe this can be his safe place, she thinks. Maybe she can be. Not someone to fix him, because he’s not broken, just lost. Not to fix but to hold his hand while he heals. Slowly but surely.

For a while, the three sit in comfortable silence. The kind that fills you with this inexplicable calm. Where no words are needed.

And then the beginning chords of unchained melody spill from the tv speakers. It’s a touch there, a kiss here, hands covered in clay. Bodies covered in clay. Gasps and heavy breathing. Hands grasping skin, wandering, loving.

Robin’s presence falls completely to the back of (Y/N)’s mind. Bucky’s however...

“Do you want to have dirty sex with him? “ her friend's words ghost through her head like a particularly annoying jingle for some tv ad. The room feels warm all of a sudden. Not warm — boiling. There’s a heat radiating from her right, from Bucky. So what if he’s attractive. So what if she sometimes lets her mind wander and think about how his hands would feel on her skin or his lips on hers or his — yeah okay you get the point. So what?

Bucky slumps down into the couch a little more with every second of steamy pottery sex that’s fluttering across the tv screen. Is he — nervous? Uncomfortable ? No, she must be imagining it. Projecting, that’s what this is. She’s projecting her own chaotic emotional state onto him. There’s nothing there. (Y/N) has to remind herself. Just secret little thoughts that have to be kept between her and her. As long as no one knows, no one gets hurt. It’s the easy way out. The safe way. The right way.

Right?

“ Sooo, what did you guys think?” (Y/N) asks, turning her body towards her friends and sitting criss-cross on the couch.

“ Didn’t expect all the murder. “ Bucky replies as he takes a sip from his beer. “ And the — “

“ The messy sex! I know.” a visibly intoxicated Robin cuts in.

“ Not where I was going but okay.”

She doesn’t pay his words any attention, instead of launching herself backwards over the arm of the couch, dramatically fanning herself with her perfectly manicured hand. “ I am not going to lie, oh boy that was some hot stuff. Wouldn’t say no to that.”

“Oh please,” (Y/N) chimes in, wine glass clutched in hand and smile on her face. She can clearly feel the alcohol washing through her system bringing her to the place between sober and drunk where everything feels light and your confidence seems to get a little extra boost. “ What do you have to complain about? You’re getting married in two weeks! I’m sure you get enough action as it is. “

Robin doesn’t answer right away, just throws (Y/N) a giddy, boozed-up smile. Though in her eyes, there’s a loved-up glimmer of someone about to marry the love of their life.

“ Yeah, that’s true.”

“See, so you’re not the one that should be complaining. Us, however…”

Her red curls swing around her like a spark of fire as Robin sits up again, pointing her finger at (Y/N).

“ And whose fault is that? You could be getting some if you didn’t get so lost in your romantic fantasies. And him — “ the red-haired girl exclaims before pointing her finger towards Bucky “ don’t even tell me he ain’t getting some. Look at him! Are you sexually active, Bucky? “

“ You don’t have to answer that. Robin, come on.”

“ No, you don’t have to but you should. I’m trying to prove a point. Help me prove a point, Bucky. “

“ You’re making him uncomfortable. “

“ Am I making him uncomfortable or you? “

“ Ooookay, I think it’s time for you to go to bed. “

“ Nooo, we’re having a conversation. “

“ Would you look at that, my drink is empty. I’m just gonna — I’m gonna get another one. Okay? Okay.”

Bucky doesn’t wait for an answer before getting up and rushing out of the living room and into the kitchen, clearly uncomfortable. Clearly embarrassed.

“ See what you did? You scared him off. “

“ I couldn’t scare that man off if I tried. Trust me. “ Robin murmurs, a loud yawn cutting through her argument. There’s a certain determination in her words though. Some truth hidden in there that (Y/N) can’t quite put her finger on. It’s like Robin knows something she doesn’t. And maybe it’s good this way. Maybe she doesn’t need to know.

“ Alright, whatever that’s supposed to mean, Tipsy. I’ll go see what he’s up to. You go the fuck to sleep.”

“ Whatever mom, “ Robin bickers and cuddles closer into the soft couch anyway. “ Oh, don’t forget to invite him! I like him. We’re friends now. “

“ Go to sleep! “ (Y/N) orders again, earning herself a salute from her best friend who starts snoring no more than 2 seconds later.

He feels like a 13-year-old. Actually — no. Things were easier at 13. Situations like this one were easier at 13. Being horny was easier at 13.

It was all new to him then, yes, but it was new for everyone at 13. He’s 106 now, a grown man. He should be able to talk or at least think about these things without turning into a full-blown mess. His hand is clammy, his face is probably the same shade of bright red as Robin’s hair. And by god, his thoughts are a jumbled mess, swirling around all over the place.

Truth be told, he hasn’t had a lot of time to actually think about anything even remotely physical. It was never very high on his list of things to figure out and the opportunity hasn’t really presented itself to him either. Not since the 1940s at least.

Have things changed? Surely not, right? Maybe people got a bit more experimental and for sure they talk more openly about it now but the fundamentals must have stayed the same. He sure hopes so at least.

His thoughts get interrupted as (Y/N) steps into the kitchen. Her eyes are slightly glassed over from the wine though she’s nowhere near as drunk as Robin. She seems happy, then again she always does. For a little moment, he feels jealousy wash over him. About being able to get drunk. It’s damn stupid, he’s well aware. But that doesn’t make his feelings less valid. To just drink and let go and forget, that sounds really nice.

But that’s just one of the things the serum has taken from him. By far not the worst aspect of it all but unpleasant either way.

“ Hey uh — you okay? “ she asks leaning against the kitchen island across from him.

“ Sure. Are you? “

“ I uh — might be a little drunk, “ (Y/N) confesses as she lifts her hand and indicates a tiny space with her fingers.

“ Yeah, I think you might be.” Bucky laughs. Actually laughing comes naturally when she’s around and quite honestly, at first, it made him feel guilty. Guilty about the fact that he got to laugh along with a pretty girl while so many people had to die through his hands.

He tries to push those thoughts away. They aren’t doing anyone any good. Not him and not those people either.

“ Hey, I’m sorry she was making you uncomfortable. She gets — well she has no filter when drunk. Or ever really.”

Bucky shakes his head. His finger nervously trails along the grain of the stone countertop. There are conversations he needs to have, sooner or later, if he wants to live his life. Not just coast along but actually live. But it doesn’t mean those come easy. Not for someone who’s been through all he’s been through. Not for someone who’s grown up the way he has, who’s been raised the way he has.

“ Ah, no. Don’t worry. I uh — I just. It’s been a long time since I had talks like this. “

“ Like what? “

“ Between friends, you know. About — stuff. “

“ About sex? “

“ Mmh. “

“ You don’t have to talk about it with us if you don’t want to. It’s fine. “

“ No, but I do want to talk about sex with you. I mean — not you, you. You both. But not in a weird way. I mean — with friends. “

“ Okay. “

“ It’s just that I was raised in different times and the last time I had a real actual friend that I talked to about intimate things was so long ago. Steve and I talked about everything and even then there used to be reservations. One because I don’t think Steve really wanted details and two because Steve wasn’t — he didn’t have the most experience when it came to women so it was a very one-sided conversation. And I’ve never talked about any of this with a girl. It’s all new to me but I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you. “

(Y/N) regards him with a glimmer of amusement and mischief in her eyes as she munches away on some cold leftover spring rolls.

“ You don’t have to justify yourself to me, Buck. I know you trust me, I hope you know I trust you. “

He does. And he doesn’t hate how it sounds when she calls him Buck.

“ So, Robin and Charlie are getting married in two weeks. I was wondering if you’d like to be my plus one. Back when they announced it I was under the impression Russel and I would be a thing by then but uh — clearly that didn’t happen. It’s in upstate New York. We’re all gonna stay at this gorgeous Inn and well there’s a spot open if you want it.”

“ As a plus one? “

No matter how much he wants to deny it to himself, his heart does a little flutter as she says those words. A plus one sounds like something. He’s not sure what but something, surely.

“ Yeah, as a friend, obviously. “

“ Obviously. “

There goes the flutter.

“ Robin is okay with it by the way. She explicitly told me to ask you.”

“ So Robin wants me there, not you. “

“ No! I want you there! I love spending time with you. Also, Robin’s family is crazy. I need you by my side. I need you there. I want you there. “

“The need to be needed is an individual’s sense of significance rooted in the sense of being part of a community or cause beyond themselves. The need to be needed is one of our fundamental desires. We want to feel significant in the eyes of others, even if it is only one other person. “

Bucky has read those words in one of the many magazines stacked on the little side table in the waiting room of Dr. Raynor's office. They didn’t really make much sense to him then. He always thought he’d be fine by himself.

In that moment he realizes that was all a big pile of absolute bullshit.

The feeling of being wanted, of being needed, even if it’s just one person that needs him, that means everything.

“ Okay, I’ll come. “

“ Yeah? “

And there it is again, the smile that reminds him of the sun. The smile that he’s sure could bring a thousand men to their knees, including himself.

“ Cool. I’m — I’m really happy about that. “

“ Mmh. Me too. “

For a moment they just look at each other, words unspoken swirling in the air between them, neither brave enough to let them slip from their tongue.

It’s not until a particularly loud snore coming from the living room pops the bubble and breaks the spell.

Both of them fall into giggles before Bucky speaks up again.

“ It's late I should probably go. “

“ Yeah and I should go to bed. I’ll have a hangover tomorrow for sure.”

Bucky slips into his leather jacket and places a soft kiss goodbye on Lady’s head before turning back to (Y/N).

“ For the record, I’m not getting any. “

“ I uh — okay. Good. Well not good, “ (Y/N) stumbles over her words “ not good for you. Good for me. I mean. Not that I don’t want you to have sex. But I mean, Robin was taking the piss, and if I don’t get laid it makes me feel better to know you aren’t either. Oh god, this sounds horrible. I’m just gonna stop talking now. “

Bucky smiles the brightest smile she’s ever seen him smile, it almost breaks his face in two. And even though she wants the ground to swallow her whole right then, if it puts a smile like that on his face, she’ll gratefully embarrass herself again.

“ Have a good night, (Y/N). “

“ You too, Bucky”

And with a kiss to her head, he leaves the flat, a smile staying on his lips the entire way home.

“ Why did I have to come again? This is a bachelorette party, I thought men aren’t allowed. “ Bucky grumbles as (Y/N) parks her truck in the parking lot of the convenience store. The pink and blue neon lights reflect on the wet asphalt.

“ It’s a shared party. We’re all friends so it makes sense for the couple to celebrate together. Stop moaning. “ (Y/N) exclaims as her heels create a click-clack sound.

The store is empty as they enter except for the bored-looking teenager leaning against the counter by the cash register.

There’s something about empty stores at night that makes it feel like time stands still. Like for a moment, reality is altered. There’s only you and the outdated music coming from the speakers and the hum of the refrigerators holding the soda cans.

“ I can’t believe Hannah forgot to bake the cake. It’s all she had to do. I did everything else, everything. She had one job. “

Bucky’s learned by now to just let her rant about this topic. It’s all she’s talked about for the last hours since Hannah, public enemy number one that day, has called her to inform her she’s forgotten about the cake. Why there needs to be a cake at this party, Bucky doesn’t know but hey, who is he to question it.

(Y/N) walks straight over to the counter that holds the bakery items only to be met with disappointment.

“ Well great. We can choose between one single cupcake, a box of stale donuts, and a croissant. “

“ What about this one? “ Bucky asks and points towards a bright pink cake decorated with candy roses and white icing.

“ It says Happy Birthday. “

“ Ah, don’t worry we can fix that.”

(Y/N) raises her eyebrows in doubt. “ You sure? “

“ 100%. Trust me. “

She regards him for a moment, uncertainty shining through, before granting him a little smile and a nod. “ Okay then. You get the cake, I’ll be over there for a second. “

Looking through the fridges, (Y/N)’s eyes fall onto a pack of popsicles in the shape of Captain America’s shield.

Ripping open the fridge door she calls out “ Hey Grumpy, would you like thes— “

All she hears is a smack and then Bucky’s voice exclaiming a loud “Fuck!”

And in that moment she doesn’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that she just slammed the door right into his face or hearing him swear.

“ Are you okay? I’m so sorry. “

“ I’ll be fine.”

“ We gotta put ice on it. “

“ No (Y/N) I — “

She’s already on her way to get a pack of frozen peas. And if Bucky is being real honest, his cheek does hurt quite a bit. Super Soldier Serum and all …

“ I am genuinely so sorry. “

Bucky sits on the bed of (Y/N)’s truck, frozen peas pressed to his face and a chuckle falling from his lips as (Y/N) sends yet another apology his way.

“ It’s okay, (Y/N). I told you, I’m fine. “

He pulls the peas away from his face and places them next to him, before picking up the cake and lifting the plastic lid off of the container.

“ Alright, let’s see if I can fix this. “

“ You have a bruise on your cheek. “

Bucky looks up at her with those gorgeous blue eyes of his, that (Y/N) sometimes finds herself drowning in. Calm and story all at once. Like oceans.

“ Does it make me look rough and handsome? “

“ You’re always handsome. But yes, it gives you a roguish charm. “

“ Good. “

(Y/N) feels a heat rush to her face as Bucky focuses back on the cake.

“ Mmmkay. Let me see. What if we — “ Bucky murmurs, more to himself than to (Y/N). He swipes his finger, sans glove, over the white icing letters and while there’s a good intention there, when he lifts his finger back up the cake looks like a downright mess.

“ Ta-da “ he exclaims and turns the cake towards her.

“ It says Happy day now “

“ Is it not a happy day? “ Bucky asks, eyebrows raised in question.

“ Let me rephrase that. It says ‘Happy messy white stain Day’ “

Bucky pulls his lips into a grimace, eyes wandering from (Y/N) down to the cake and back to her. “ Yeah, we can’t bring that “.

Laughter fills the air as they regard the sad mess of a cake before them. If this was a movie, (Y/N) thinks, this would be their moment. The one where they realize. The one that feels like time stops and all that matters is them.

Something wet and sticky against her cheek pulls her from her daydream.

“ What the hell? “

Bucky only grins at her. There’s the boyish charm again. It’s so insanely endearing to see these little moments flare up and push through the perpetual gloom he seems to carry with him. He doesn't hold the weight of 90 years of fighting on his shoulders right then.

“ Oh you didn’t “

Before Bucky can react she grabs a handful of the cake and smashes it against the uninjured side of his face.

“ Is that how you wanna play it? Okay. Fine. “

Cake flies through the air as their laughter rings through the night. Not a thought wasted on pain, on worries, on heartbreak.

The rooftop bar (Y/N) booked specifically for this night is covered in fairy lights and glitter decor. There’s a karaoke machine in one corner and an open bar in the other.

A loud cheer sounds from the crowd as Robin steps out into the open, fingers intertwined with those of a petite brunette with big square glasses sitting on her nose.

They get swallowed by a tidal wave of people, pulled from one hug into another, and while his eyes stay with them, Bucky feels a touch against his metal arm. (Y/N) wraps herself around him leans her head against his shoulder and stares lovingly at the couple before them.

“ I’m so glad she’s happy. I love her so much. “

“ She loves you too. “ he says.

And really how could anyone not?

A little while later, when the crowd has allowed them to breathe again, Robin and the brunette wander towards Bucky and (Y/N), matching smiles on their faces.

“ Buck, this is Charlie, Robin’s fiancee. Charlie, this is my friend Bucky. “

“ It’s so nice to meet you,” Charlie exclaims, a strong English accent dripping from her words. “ What in the world happened to your face? Are you okay? “

While Bucky smirks, (Y/N) flinches at those words and shrinks into herself a little.

“ Oh you know, funny story. Someone here was a little too excited about some red white and blue popsicles. “

Robin lets out a loud laugh “ Now that sounds like someone I know very well. “

“ They were shaped like Cap’s shield, okay. I thought it was funny and fitting. “

Charlie’s eyes move between the 3, a look of confusion settling on her features.

“ Why fitting? “

“ Oh babe, let me catch you up,” Robin says and steers Charlie in the direction of the bar.

The night flies by and for the first time in so long, Bucky doesn’t feel out of place. Not for a single moment. Even being surrounded by people he doesn’t know and while listening to music he doesn’t get. It’s nice, feeling like you belong.

Robin and Charlie have just finished their karaoke rendition of Don’t Stop Believing when a familiar voice echoes from the speakers.

“ Hello guys, my name is (Y/N). You may know me, I’m the maid of honor. I am responsible for this party — you’re welcome. Anyway, I guess it’s my turn to sing tonight but I can’t do this one alone. I’m gonna require my friend, Mr. James Buchanan Barnes up on this very stage with me. “

Oh no. Definitely no. Not in a million years. No w—

“ Because this one’s a duett. “

Her eyes meet his across the way, shining with amusement, mischief, affection. Even across the dimly lit roof, her sunshine smile seems to light up the entire night.

“ I’m not doing it, “ Bucky says and shakes his head as Robin slides up to his side.

“ C’moooon. “

“ Nope. I probably don’t even know the song. “

It’s like the universe wants to make a fool of him as in just that moment Bill Medley’s voice sounds through the night.

“ I know you know this song. “ Robin says and nudges his side “ come on don’t make her do this by herself. “

“ I — “ he looks at (Y/N) again, with her sunshine smile and those expressive eyes and the buttercream stain on her shirt. And he doesn’t see fear or pain or regret. All he ever sees when he looks at her is happiness and fun and laughter.

“ Ugh. Okay. Alright. “

Cheers follow him as he steps on stage and (Y/N) hands him the second mic. Though it’s supposed to be a duett, (Y/N) doesn’t really care and sings both parts with unfiltered joy and unapologetic passion. And while it takes a moment for him to warm up to it, Bucky can’t help but let her enthusiasm light a spark in him too and by the time the pre-chorus hits he joins her in singing their hearts out.

“ You're the one thing I can't get enough of. So I'll tell you something. This could be looooooove “

New York comes alive with the promise of a better tomorrow. One where Bucky feels like he belongs. To a place or a group of friends or a person. A tomorrow where he can laugh with a pretty girl, have food fights in a parking lot, and sing some silly song at the top of his lungs.

Maybe the song isn’t all wrong. Maybe he’s having the time of his life. And maybe, just maybe, he owes it to (Y/N).

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