#they don't bow for anyone

[charlidos]

I keep thinking of everything Orlando said about Viggo in this interview from 2013, since it's so heartfelt. And I feel I need to delve a little deeper into his words. VERY deep.

"That's a very easy question for me to answer. VIGGO MORTENSEN."

Viggo is definitely in a category of his own, in Orlando's mind (and I think most would agree!). He answers Viggo so quickly, without any hesitation. He's without question the one who influenced him the most, despite working with all those other wonderful people. And I bet O would do anything to have a reunion on screen with Viggo. (As would I.)

"I sat next to Viggo Mortensen [...] every day for TWO YEARS nearly."

Viggo started filming mid-October 1999 and the original shoot ended at the end of December 2020. That's 14 months, not 24 months... (They didn't do any reshoots together, O only came over to see Viggo at those final reshoots and waded across a beautiful, moonlit river and O said he was in love with V... sort of). So O added a significant amount of time spent with V. Why? Because it felt like a lifetime? O himself spent 18 months in NZ, including those months of preparation, when Viggo definitely wasn't there, since we all know he arrived at the very last minute. I wonder if, in retrospect, it feels like Viggo was there the whole time? Or if O still remembers, for real, that there was a Stuart-phase too? (But that's a topic for a whole other post.)

"Viggo Mortensen had the biggest impact on me in terms of approach, dedication, intention and artistic outlook."

It feels like O would count basically everything included in life here... It feels like Viggo was his entirely world, for a while. It's actually weird how they ended up in quite different places in life, fame and work. Viggo lives mostly far away from Hollywood while O lives more or less in the middle of it. And I always wonder in what way O brought Viggo's role model with him to his work. Hopefully at the very least by being a good person, treating everyone with respect.

"I'm nowhere CLOSE to how gen.. how good he is as an artist. I wouldn't even put myself in the same category as an actor."

There really is no limit to O's admiration of Viggo. It's like he's a god. And maybe that also means a little unattainable, perhaps? There is something wistful about the way he speaks about Viggo, even when he's idolizing him to the max. Maybe because he fervently wishes to be near this genius artist again? To absorb his greatness again. Maybe because O feels he can't live up to his ideal/his idol? Because he lifts Viggo to the skies, but talks himself down, a bit.

"As a human being he had a very big influence on me. He's a very generous soul, a very dedicated soul."

It's obvious that Viggo's influence on him isn't at all limited to work, but also includes how to be as a human, how to live your life. O may be a buddhist, but really, V is his spiritual guide, his sensei, his god. His Viggod. (Let us worship.)

"He was like a mentor, without me even knowing that's what he was doing because I was probably too young to really understand and appreciate it at the time."

If you look at all the 2947294 times he's said how much he admires Viggo, how he was a mentor, how he wanted to BE Viggo, even back in 2001-2003, it's a little difficult to see that he didn't appreciate it at the time... I think he DID appreciate it, it's just now he's being sentimental about it. I think he just misses those days with Viggo, he wants to go back. Don't we all feel like that about a happy past memory? Like why didn't I see then how extremely good that was? Even though you did, since you were indeed happy. It's just that you want to go back to those moments, and truly savour them, since you don't know exactly how much they'll matter until they're gone.

"As I'm older now and I look back, I always think wow! Just the person that he was, the actor and how he was, with me, was so wonderful."

I kind of want to add O's own words "it makes me sound like I'm in love with the guy". Because yes, that is indeed what this sounds like. The way he says "so wonderful" just has this very "sigh! Viggo is such a dream!" tone. But again, it also sounds so very wistful. It's a cherished memory, but it's also something lost, I feel.

"We trade emails. We were out of touch for quite a while."

It really is no wonder he's feeling so very sentimental about those days with Viggo. They lost touch for "quite a while" (since around 2008 - since they both met new people...). In my ears, it sounds quite sad. From being a part of Viggo's every day life, to losing touch and trading a few emails (which neither of them seem to be that fond of). I wonder if Viggo got in touch to congratulate Orlando on becoming a dad? And that's why they started communicating again?

"But you know, Viggo's an artist. He's not just an actor, he's actually an artist."

To me, it sounds like he's explaining why they were out of touch for a longish period of time. Otherwise I don't understand the segue from saying they're trading emails. In my view, he's saying they lost touch because of this trait, because of Viggo's artist personality. Or perhaps just that he's very busy, having so many arts to pursue, so many talents to hone. Like Viggo is someone who is a little hard to hold on to. He had him daily, to himself sometimes even, for all that time in NZ, that the contrast must have seem huge. O was extremely busy after filming LotR, but I think what he's talking about is the period from around 2008 until a while before this interview. O wasn't quite as busy then, I believe, work-wise at least. Except for having a kid... But I sense that for O this smarted a bit, this absence. Of course, if you add the dimension of them possibly having a love affair before, then perhaps this distance happened because of a break-up. Which might have been painful. And would explain that trace of sadness in how he says this.

"He can paint, he can write, he can sing, he can dance, he can play music. He can do it all. He can take you fishing, he can take you into the wild. He's the guy who does it all."

I can't get over how much of a fanboy O really is. His admiration for Viggo is through the roof! The sky is the limit here, Viggo really is godly, the one you can't quite reach, the perfect man, the unattainable goal. O spent every day with him for so long, and yet he can't find fault with him. The only problem is that he's out of reach for O now. But perhaps O thinks that's his own fault, never Viggo's? Also, we know Viggo took O into the wild - and got lost. O doesn't blame him for that either. I guess that just turned into a magical adventure, particularly with time, Now he probably thinks of it as a perfect night, spent with the perfect man, forgetting the mosquite bites, being thirsty, being scared. I do wonder if O has a little shrine dedicated for Viggo at home. Incense and photos and all. And if they once were in love, O is definitely not over him. And will never be, I guess.

"Most men WISH they were Viggo Mortensen."

Again, Viggo has no bigger fanboy. He already said this once before, back in 2001. But then he said he himself wanted to be Viggo. So that never changed. Still hasn't changed, I imagine. When you see him press himself into Viggo at the LotR premieres, it's like O wanted to melt into him, become part of Viggo. Maybe that's what he meant by being Viggo? :)

"He's devastatingly handsome and cool."

O says this a little off-handedly, somehow. A little quietly. I love that he adds that extra adjective, he's not just handsome, he's devastatingly so. Nothing is ever normal with Viggo as far as O is concerned. Viggo is the perfect man, after all.

"He would hate me. Viggo, I apologise, I apologise, please don't hate me. It's all love. He would hate the fact that I've sad any of that, but he's that kind of guy too."

O knows Viggo pretty darn well. He spent such a long time with him, seeing his every day mood, seeing him under stress, working, on holiday, out in the wild. Really most aspects of life (except, I guess, normal life outside NZ - but then, what do I know? Maybe he did that too?). So he knows how self-effacing Viggo is, how humble and not prone to any narcissism. But it also implies that Viggo perhaps isn't that good at accepting compliments? He probably doesn't like being fawned over; maybe one reason he prefers to live outside of the rather narcissistic Hollywood bubble. O seems to regard this as another amazing trait Viggo has. Not only can he do anything, he also never brags about it. For some reason, this statement seems a little sad as well. The way he speaks to an imaginary Viggo - whom he hasn't seen in a long while, afraid (maybe not 100% seriously, but still, a little) of ruining their maybe frail rebuilt friendship.

All in all, as lovely and loving as O is about Viggo here, it's also so rife with melancholy. O adores Viggo so much, I definitely feel he misses him terribly. That maybe he feels he lost him along the way, regardless of whose "fault" it is, if anyone's. And regardless of what kind of relationship they used to have. There's a Viggo-shaped hole in O's life. I get the feeling this is still true for O. I hope they did rekindled at least their friendship at one point.

I would love to hear Viggo speak of O one day too.

[andorerso]

rebelcaptain + the hunger games au

When Jyn Erso was eight years old, her mother died and her father left to become a gamemaker for the Hunger Games. Adopted by Saw Gerrera, her mother's friend, she became Jyn Gerrera and was forbidden from ever revealing her true identity to anyone. Ten years later, it's Jyn's last reaping. Saw, the forgotten victor of the 32nd Hunger Games, had rejected every reward the Empire offered him, preferring to live as a recluse at the edge of the forest in District 12, as opposed to the luxury in the Victors' Village. It's been decades since anyone in the district even recalled that Saw was once a victor himself, but he had made sure to teach Jyn all he knew of self-defense and combat training. It's the only thing she has of him left since his passing two years ago. Now, Jyn just wants to get through her last reaping and survive. But when she hears the name of the young girl she trades with sometimes, Jyn doesn't hesitate to volunteer in her place. She has nothing to lose, except her life, and every reason to believe that with Saw's training, she has a chance at winning the games. A chance that 12-year-old Kerri Andor wouldn't have. Things get a little more complicated when Kerri's brother is picked as the other tribute. Jyn is good at surviving, but Cassian, with his quiet cunning and surprising talent with a bow and arrow, could be a threat. Not to mention that Jyn knows he's the sole provider for his young sister and aging mother; a family who needs him. Who may die without him. Nobody is waiting for Jyn back home. When their mentor's plan to make them seem like star-crossed lovers triples the attention and sponsors they receive, Jyn is forced to play along with the scheme and pretend she has feelings for Cassian. Worst of all? She's not sure where pretending ends and where genuine feelings begin. The gamemakers say they can both go home if they're the last two tributes standing, but Jyn knows better than to believe the pretty promises of the Empire. Soon, she'll have to make a choice. Will she do anything to survive? Or will she let Cassian Andor go home to his family - even at the cost of her own life?

[n7punk]

Design details for the 2019 She-ra dolls from toy designer Annalise Lao's portfolio!

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Sorry, but can I just stress something about Louis that drives me insane? 

In his route where you've saved him, he kills Dorian. Louis directly kills another person. He shot her with a crossbow through the mouth.

It’s unavoidable. 

Sure, it’s considered an accident, and even so, it was also self-defense—Dorian sure wasn’t there for a friendly chat, after all. 

But here's the thing... of the Ericson crew, we know that Clementine, AJ, and Marlon have killed someone. And Minerva if you want to count her, too, since she once was part of the group . But the others? Maybe they have killed before and we just don’t know about it, whether it be out of mercy or self-defense.

Violet in her route had the chance to kill Minerva, but understandably, she didn’t. She opted to shoot her in the shoulder instead… but we never see her kill anyone herself. 

Maybe you could count indirect kills because of the bag of bricks/log that kills Yonatan, and maybe you could consider Mitch’s death as indirectly Tenn’s fault… Speaking of Mitch, he tried to kill Lilly, but we all saw how that turned out, didn't we? 

…but Louis? He killed Dorian. That was his first kill. His first. 

And he feels awful about it! He apologizes to the body as it lays warm at his feet! He’s shaking and can barely speak!! It feels like bile! He doesn't even have time to process it because uh oh, the boat's going to explode!

But he’s also been so hardened over the season by everything that’s happened to him that he comes out of it glad that he has it in him to kill because if that’s what it takes to protect Clementine, AJ, and his family and home, then he’ll do it even if he doesn’t want to.

How does that not drive anyone else utterly mad?

Fandom considers him the funny guy! He's cute and silly! He makes Clementine laugh!

He's also done murder! He's taken a life! Just like Clementine and AJ have! Just like Marlon did!

And honestly, I think this also leads to him forgiving AJ for killing Tenn because at this point, he understands. He hates it, and he wishes it didn’t have to be this way, but he gets that AJ saw something that he didn’t. Louis knows that AJ’s hurting just as much as he is, he even says as much if Clementine says anything other than “AJ saved your life” on the bridge. 

He relived Marlon’s death when Tenn died, but it’s not like his hands are clean, either… and neither were Marlon’s. Clementine’s hands definitely aren’t clean. 

It drives me crazy that best friends Louis and Marlon have each killed someone in TFS but Marlon killed Brody in a moment of panic because he’s a coward who wanted hide what he did while Louis killed Dorian in a moment of panic because he was trying to save Clementine from Minerva and she came up behind him like… hhhhnnnnggggggggg, y’know?

Oh, and don't even get me started on the clouis aspect of this because I'll lose it. He talks to her about it because he knows she'll understand, just like how she's always understood him. How he goes out of his way to tell her that having a home means protecting it and he's going to protect it [that home being her, AJ, and Ericson] no matter what because he wants to build this new life with her aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I've lost it—

[satari-raine]

I'm still not used to fully talking on here but I just have to talk for a minute about Sleep Token and Wembley.

They did fantastic. After touring so much this year, doing back-to-back shows, dealing with a band member having to take a leave of absence for most of their final tour, incorporating new changes to their routine and style, and with Vessel having hurt his voice during such a huge show, they did fantastic.

I watched along with Discord. Mostly lurked. And everything I saw from the effects on stage, the fun antics, the performances, the playing - guitars, bass, drums, the dancers, the choir - they did fantastic. And Vessel. I said it in chat that he doesn't need to hurt himself or his voice to earn the love of those who listen to his music, but he kept going. He sang, and pushed through when he had every right in the world to put a stop to the show and focus on his health. He kept on going while also giving to the crowd the chance to carry him through, and seeing everyone - from those on stage with him to the crowd to people in chat and what I saw on here - still loving him, loving them?

They did fucking fantastic, and I dare anyone tell me otherwise. As a community, we should be celebrating them despite any differences of opinion - being kinder and supportive of one another is literally everything they've shown with III's situation and in general. It's what so many of us showed back to them with the hand salutes for III and the marked ? on our hands during specific songs. Their new outfits have fan-made decals to them, for fuck's sake. They are absolutely, without a doubt, genuine about making everyone feel loved.

Look, I'm just a stranger on the internet at the end of the day but this band has come to mean so much to me since I found them, to the point where they've honestly kept me going some days - them and the wonderful people I've met through them - and I just need them to know that they did fantastic, their music still brings people together despite hiccups along the way, and regardless of any of those hiccups, they are so loved. Loved beyond belief.

The night didn't just belong to all of us at Wembley, but to them, too.

[moodymisty]

just learned about aquilan shield custodes... oh to have a huge golden bodyguard following you like a scary dog 24/7, not even leaving you alone to sleep... it'd be a shame if he got a little too possessive, even more so than his duty could justify... a shame if one of the emperor's finest found himself utterly besotted with his ward, wanting things that custodians aren't made to want... a real shame if you became the prize and obsession of your big golden boy, knowing that there was basically no force strong enough, not even space marines, to keep you away from his affections... 👀

Having a Custodes get attached to you would be a weird fucking thing. I mean most of them are super stoic even more so than Astartes, but they are capable of emotion. I mean in Saturine Valdor smiles at a guardsmen making a joke about stripping naked and running into battle, and in another book I can't remember a few custodes joke about another having a stick up his ass.

An Aqulian Shield being placed in change of protecting a particular human and having to spend so much of his time protecting you, perhaps you don't even know he is there at first, until he eventually reveals himself to you. You know he's always watching now, always making sure nothing ever happens to you. You're his charge, his one and only to protect and make sure the future comes to pass.

He doesn't know what love is, but surely this feeling in his chest in that, yes? His overwhelming desire to keep you away from everything, to keep you in his light. Can Custodes love? He's heard of Astartes tempted by such a thing, but could the Emperor give him such a flaw? He doesn't know, but he knows he wants you.

[badnewswhatsleft]

(x, x) the corners of his mouth are soso pretty 🥰💘🥰💗🥰💖🥰💗🥞💖

[potpourri-of-ecclecticism]

What are the odds...

That a boy with a dark and twisted heart, a wastrel, a bully and a villain got to ride THE MOST BEAUTIFUL dragon of all time?

That THE MOST BEAUTIFUL dragon of all time chose him over other so-called "pure hearts"?

It wasn't even just a choice. It was a bond, a connection so strong that it transcended mortality, spilling over into soulmate territory.

Maybe the boy wasn't so dark and twisted after all. Maybe he was just a... coconut—hard on the outside and soft on the inside.

Everything that the boy sought from his family, this beautiful little dragon gave him... and so much more.

[starflungwaddledee]

[whos-hotter-jjba]

Hottest JJBA Outfit Bracket - Round 1 Match 9

[cherrymoonvol6]

.

[ravencromwell]

Ros Vortalis trans headcanons

There are some remarkable trans Holland fics and headcanons, but can we talk about Ros Vortalis, whom all of his friends simply call Vor? Who, even when he’s _dying Holland calls Vor, to be expected, but also Vortalis which’s so much longer than Ros.

A bit of googling informs me Ros is “protector” in German, which’s chef’s kiss one hundred/ten no notes V.E. But it’s also, more frequently, a diminutive of Rosalind. Disclaimer before I start these that I respect and love! the headcanons of Makt as fairly gender nonrestrictive, with power being more of a defining factor of treatment. My Makt, however, is more complicated, with gender and gender transitions being imperfect but still a site where joy can be created, much like the rest of White London existence. Putting the rest of these beneath a cut with that in mind because as a trans person, I know some days I can’t handle transness as careful complication to be navigated and don’t want to inflict it on anyone unprepared. (Though, I promise! there’re fluffy as fuck nsfw Vor/Holland and Vor/friends headcanons in here to cut the angst.)

Ros retains a shortened form of his given namefor business purposes within the Shal—we know Shal means “market” in Red London, and I tend to think it means the same in White, such that when Holland calls him a “thug from the Shal” he’s referring to Vor being in the merchant/smuggling business. When he transitions, he’s relatively young and honestly to flagrantly demand a name change would be seen by too many as blood in the water. His greatest focus, always, is Makt rather than his personal happiness and he’d rather be burdened with the “nickname” Ros and be capable of rising in the Shal in service of becoming king.

There’re two ways of transitioning: the easiest and least painful is utilizing a spell similar to Astrid’s with Lila and stealing a face and voice. But that spell fades with death and though Vor understands that his body is likely destined for desecration once he’s gone as Makt’s people drain its blood and magic, there’s still this stubborn demand that they destroy a body without the face that made him shudder every time his child self caught a glimpse (he is so grateful for a lack of mirrors in Makt for much of his young adulthood.)

So he chooses the harder, excruciating method: finds a bone magician to permanently reshape his body. Session after session, over months traveling abroad on a ship with only the open sea and crew to hear him scream himself hoarse.

The first time they share a bed, Holland strokes along the broadened shoulders, runs fingers along the scars on his chest—eyes fixed on Vor’s all the while— and murmurs: “If they did not believe you would hold the throne, they were fools.”

“I’m flattered.” He’s bright-eyed, with that deep, rolling-sea laugh.

“After this, very little would stop you.” Fools have marveled at the extent of spells across his body, and inwardly he howls in hysterical laughter because there is very little to dull pain in Makt, and the shipboard pain was so vast it made everything else feel like pinpricks by comparison. He’s never bedded someone who would know that as intimately as the man who had done his damndest to use that same magic in stopping Vor’s fist before it connected with his face, and the admiration uncoils something deep in his chest. “Sometimes I’m certain I can’t keep it. One moment it will be there and then not.” He manages a farse of a smile “Foolish, after all these decades, but such is the weakness of your future king, Holland.”

“Lucky you would have an Antari to put it back, then.”

By the time he returned to London, voice rumbling deep from an expanded chest, people understood quickly to use “Ros” with the proper pronouns or see just how effective the runes on his hands were. But well…Ros is an easier shirt than Rosalind to slip into, but it will never sit comfortably. As he develops allies, he finds that Vor and Vortalis fit easier. And it becomes a good gauge for trust. Those who understand implicitly how painful his given name is and respect that, are people worth keeping. It becomes easier, as fewer and fewer people survive who remember Rosalind.

There are far too many moments to count when former friends or lovers try to use “Ros” as a weapon, with a little smirk that says: “You never said we _couldn’t call you that.” And he’s deeply glad he made a relatively small name fuss and provided only a small chink in his armor. (Those sorts of people tend, inevitably, to cause the use of his knives. As though letting them close and showing kindness is an invitation for open season. But such are the risks in Makt, and he is a man who craves touch and closeness. What good to craft the ideal body only to never have it appreciated. The way Holland simply…withdrew from people after Talya is something almost unfathomable. Whether they’re the closest of friends or both king and night and! king and beloved—which’s pretty much always in my head—there’s a deep, profound ache that he could never touch Holland enough to make up for too many years alone.

It’s the dimmest flicker every time he sees the “knight” and “Antari” masks slip, when Holland leans against his shoulder or puts his head in Vor’s lap, eyes half-closing at fingers in his hair. But, simply because the task is nigh on impossible, doesn’t mean he won’t do his best. Vor touches Holland Vosijk a hundred thousand times in those two years of rule—and so, so many more if they both survive—and is so very, very grateful he could take the touches the best of his lovers and allies offered over the last thirty years. (On a slashy front, can we also just talk about how, as a couple, there’s an incomparable way arousal and awe intertwine for Vor _every time Holland reaches out and shows affection: a kiss against his temple as Vor lets their foreheads rest together; a hand moving slow and easy down his back. To be trusted enough for the most guarded man he’s ever met—it took Vor _months to convince him to kill Gorst and he’s never had to work so hard or wanted so desperately for someone to say yes in his life—to touch him is such a valuable thing that he has immense responsibility not to break.)

Also in couple’s verse: If Vor has a small regret, it’s that the bone magicians are far more skilled with outward, above-the-waist presentation—because the best of them have not only done this for trans people, but for criminals etc. seeking a disguise. Thankfully, they had no trouble cutting him open to ensure he would never be with child—he doesn’t have the vocabulary for dysphoria, but the idea of his stomach rounded and heavy is one of the few things that can make him viciously soul-deep terrified. But the below the waist equipment well, it’s not a magic Makt has the luxury of learning.

By the time he meets Holland, it’s the very faintest of regrets: he has a collection of strap-ons for when he and a lover want to indulge in that particular fantasy—and is comfortable enough in his skin it’s an indulgence and not a requirement. It’s beautiful to watch lovers slide to their knees and take them in their hands or mouths or slide inside and watch them arch with pleasure. But oh, oh he wishes he could _feel it. It’s not a complaint worth voicing, and honestly after he becomes king, there’s very little time to indulge.

But one day, Holland comes back, smelling of flowers holding a box, tells the guards to wait at the end of the hall because he has crucial business from “the other London” for the king’s ears alone, which has Vor intrigued and concerned because he hasn’t come close to asking Holand to send a message. But before the concern can swell to anything beyond a flicker, he sees a flush so faint anyone would miss it who wasn’t watching. (Even before the Danes, Holland held his feelings and desires in an iron grip; Vor learned early in sharing a bed that Holland loathed the idea of being heard by those not his lovers when losing control: not merely a discomfort that could add spice to an evening, but viscerally, the way it would take everything Vor had to turn his back on an armed opponent.) This is pleasure, not business and he flicks his fingers in a silent command before they can even turn to look.

"Go get yourselves some dinner,“ he says for good measure, "If there is a foe Holland cannot protect me from, there’s little more bodies can do.”

When he opens the box…there are the usual straps but the cock. The cock feels like _skin. “The Arnesians-” and oh, there’s still so much contempt in those words “With their infinite supply of magic have learned to transmute. From earth to bone, and then something softer. There is an illusion for the Arnesians who want to forget the straps.” There were layers upon layers beneath that statement: neither of them wished, at least then, to go begging for scraps, but to _take a little of the bounty Arnes had hoarded,

“_Yes!”

Neither of them know how the illusion works: it is as mysterious as the fireworks Holland has seen that fool his eyes into certainty dragons fly across the unbearably vivid Arnesian sky. It does not matter; in those moments when Holland’s mouth is hot on skin, Vor is utterly, entirely certain Holland is swallowing down the cock he has always had.

It’s almost too much, leaves him speechless for the first time in decades, has Holland scrambling up and onto the bed even as his eyes are still glassy from watching the king come undone to wrap himself around Vor’s back until the world comes into focus again. “Is it only good once or-” he asks, finally and Holland’s smirk is wicked.

When he’s upending the Ost table and coughing up blood—, so much, too much kajt I hope Holland can take the throne because whoever these bastards are they can’t rule, the thing he clings to: more than “Stay with me"—though he _tries—, more than the raw panic in Holland _swearing—is the name. _Vortalis, he says when the table overturns—though it would be such a forgivable mistake to use Ros. Vor, he says while chanting stay and one of his blood spells. He will die as who he made himself, not as he was born.

The three threads of coherence for Holland are the blood spell. That Vor _has to stay. And that if he cannot be enough to stop this, he _will not let Vor die hearing him use the wrong name.

In verses where Vor lives, they both know the "thank you” when he wakes is not for the healing, though to be alive is a joy.

[funforahermit]

.

[kopivie]

got called a disney princess while i was at work again today... i'm never expecting to hear it, but i guess it was a little eye-opening to hear it out of the blue. all i did was ask this couple if they were okay and immediately after saying they were fine, the woman went: "you look just like a disney princess. you have such bright eyes; you look like you're about to break into song any moment now!" mind you, i had already started to walk away to check on other guests, but that had me paralyzed.

a friend of mine at work once walked into the break room while i was in there and went, "there's our resident princess!" and my manager, who hadn't even seen me in the room, immediately guessed that it was me. my name wasn't said – he just thought of me first.

so... i had a bit of an epiphany today i suppose.

at work, even when i'm being goofy or serious, my coworkers and friends seem to think that i'm the graceful type. not pretentious or prissy, but graceful, kind, objective, proactive, and bubbly. and these are all things i've heard them say about me — or at the very least things they've said to my face. their transparency is appreciated.

i'm still having trouble understanding that i'm like this but... maybe i'll lean into it. not like i'm going to start putting on airs and acting like a princess, but i'll just... keep being me with the knowledge that people think i've got princess-like qualities.

...i also have been told that i legitimately have the face of a princess. so. that's cool ig. (i can't handle compliments well 🫠)

in any case, i guess i'll start treating myself like a princess. taking care of myself and making myself feel beautiful in the ways that only i know how; leaning into the love i feel for others and expressing it instead of suppressing it; setting reasonable goals for myself and being kinder with my self-talk.

it's kinda bizarre that it took a disney princess comparison for me to strengthen my resolve to heal, but i'm glad this is the way it happened. because the best part about being called a princess is that i'm not being compared to a specific disney princess – i'm one of a kind. makes me feel kinda special, y'know?

although... i do wonder what my gimmick would be if i were to be a disney princess. maybe i can make a persona slightly based on that. hm. thoughts for later.

[seapasture]

I appear to have utterly lost the motivation to interact with anyone. I have one person, but everyone else is too much; all my belongings are too much. I think I am destined to wander, but I can't. I just want to sit by the ocean and observe.

[undercityrezident]

So these two are related, right??