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sliceofhorror · 4 years ago

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okay okay i need 2 talk about helen bc im gay and insane okay please excuse the rambling

first off yes i know shes evil thats why shes sexy and yes i know thats why jon had to get rid of her like she probably wouldve tried to stop him at some point BUT

anyway 1. i already said this in a previous post, but helen’s past is just a list jon gave of examples and yes u could say he suddenly tried to “know” about her past but also helen is literally lies & was actively trying to get jon to be on her (the distortion’s) side and not “helen-classic’s” side and thus i am saying her saying yes to that list right there was a lie lol

2. jon is literally only ever mean to helen like she had every right to potentially stand in his way like if this were not an apocalypse scenario and they were regular humans. she put up w a lot huh

3. i dont believe the distortion specifically got rid of michael on purpose. in helen’s og statement she is quite literally attempting to create a map to attempt to figure it out. and then, well, she did and she took over michael’s position. also helen has never actually hurt jon and michael stabbed him, so like,

4. i also really hate that jon constantly says that helen-distortion is not the same as helen-the-human. (i also personally view the way michael and helen embrace/dont embrace the spiral as like a metaphor for something that im not going to expand on here as it doesn’t have any place in canon LOL) helen was never lying to him in that way, the same way as michael was never lying when he said he was michael and yet not michael. even michael was clearly still michael, he still had a motivation to hurt the archives, which i also think plays into jon’s misunderstanding.

5. michael wanted to hurt the archives, bc they hurt him, and thus he was motivated to do so, but the spiral in general doesn’t have such a narrowed motivation, and thus having one allowed him to be distracted enough for helen to figure out the spiral and take over. helen may have, in the future, attempted to stop jon from putting the world back to “normal," but that’s an entirely different motive than michael’s. the spiral would only want the world to stay in apocalypse-mode as its easier for it to enact its fear-causing role. thus i dont really think it “donned the face of helen” to specifically hurt jon & co (self-centered, much dude ?).

as i said before, helen would only be getting in jon’s way in the same way as any of the other avatars jon got rid of would; in order make sure the apocalypse-world kept existing. if it had never happened, i believe she would have kept being nice to everyone as apparently no one else had figured out that u need to bring all entities into the “real” world to complete a ritual, and if you didn’t know that, and were an avatar, you wouldn’t want other entities completing their rituals, and the magnus institute seemed pretty good at stopping said other rituals.

so she obv wasn’t gonna fuckin backstab them if they kept on doing that while also knowing that they could also end your own ritual, and thus keep the world in a decent state for her for enacting fear on people. thus, i believe that helen’s friendship w them wasn’t as jon said; to betray them and lead them astray. jon can barely even understand how helen can be helen and not helen, like she still is helen classic (as i’ve said), shes just through the lens of the distortion now, so honestly i don’t know why he would be so sure that helen would even stop him from “restoring” the world (it really was just a possibility). like, as i said, he is justified in smiting her bc of even the smallest possibility, but it is just that, a possibility. thus i believe her “friendship” was as genuine as one w a person made of lies can get. jon stfu for a second challenge.

it’s been said multiple times in the podcast that the eye has blindspots as well as that jon can’t see certain things due to their nature and i think the spiral is one of those things, and thus jon was only partially right in this instance.

anyway this is a long ass post i dont even know if thats all i want to say but uhhh tdlr; helen is sexy and jon doesn’t completely know what he’s talking about lol

#tma #the magnus archives #helen richardson #helen distortion #sweets.txt #u dont have to read this lol im just rambling for myself #also if anyone wants to yell at me: i like jon a lot hes a great character :) he is just stupid in this instance

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uncloseted · 3 years ago

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i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

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isa-ly · 4 years ago

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I’M GETTING A DIVORCE

TW: eating disorders, body image, weight, mental illness, depression, anxiety

Yesterday evening was rough. Completely out of the blue, getting-hit-by-a-freight-train type of rough. Usually, when these evening or days occur, I just kind of tend to start fresh the next day and pretend they never happened. Because everyone has bad days, even if you’ve worked hard to restore your general mental health, and it’s okay to just let those days pass and work on being kinder to yourself once the sun rises again.

However, I also want to actively work on not simply ignoring them all together, because while it’s a good thing not to dwell on bad days for too long, it’s also a good thing to not just repress them. And as we all know, I’m quite guilty of doing the latter and labeling it as “fine” when, in fact, it is everything but fine. Keeping a positive spirit is admirable but shutting out everything that cracks the surface of your facade is just not gonna work in the long run. Every emotion is valid and if I can acknowledge feeling happy and comfortable, I can just as well acknowledge feeling sad and shitty.

So, I’m making a compromise. While I don’t really want to talk about how and why yesterday evening was rough, I am still going to talk about something else that sometimes feels equally as hard and difficult to me. As already mentioned in the trigger warnings, there’s going to be talk about eating disorders, specifically anorexia nervosa, as well as body image and weight again. So, if that is in any way harmful to you and you own journey, feel free to just drop this post like a hot potato. (I think this actually is a German proverb, but it sounds so funny in English, so I’m just going for it.)

Now, what I’m about to say might sound somewhat controversial or really, really fucked up but I’ve found that when it comes to eating disorders (and any other mental illness, really), the darkest parts are often the ones you have to really take a good look at, even if it hurts and sounds shocking. And calling them out, dragging them into the open to point at them with your finger, is the only thing that will make them palpable enough to get rid of them. Once again, the Harry-Potter-boggart analogy works quite well here.

Shame and fear fester comfortably in the darkest corners of your brain, like a disgusting mold that slowly takes over. And I don’t really want a moldy brain, so I once again want to use this blog openly talk about something that is nothing short of crappy and awful, in order to take some of its power away. And also just to be honest, with myself and everyone else who happens to read this.

There’s a lot of reasons why it’s incredibly hard to recover from an eating disorder. Of course nothing is impossible, least of all recovery, but I still struggle almost every single day to keep pushing forward. Sometimes that struggle is close to nothing, sometimes it’s manageable and sometimes it seems like the end of the world. And one of the many reasons why it can feel like that last one, is what I and many others who have suffered from this illness like to call “nostalgia for your eating disorder”.

I think we can all agree that regardless of whether you have one or not: Eating disorders are shit. They really suck ass, to no one’s surprise. If I had one wish and one wish only to make, I wouldn’t even have to hesitate a single second: It would be for my ED to vanish forever and never return. Easy. So, then why in the living hell would I feel nostalgic for it? Why would I be hesitant to call my ED out for the life-ruining piece of shit it is? Why do I sometimes catch myself wishing back the times where I would go to bed hungry, where I would feel so in control despite never really having it? Where I would lie and deceive and watch my life slowly fall apart? What idiot would miss something like that?

Well ... an idiot with an eating disorder.

Alright, I’m not an idiot. And neither is anyone else who feels nostalgia towards this illness. Because even if it sounds ridiculous and outrageous: It’s in fact completely normal to have these thoughts and feelings.

I’ve mentioned before how, when I first crashed into the world of anorexia, it felt like I had completely lost myself and what I had considered to be my personality to this new, foreign entity that had taken over my life in a matter of days. Because actually, for a lot of people – myself included – that is exactly what eating disorders are: A filler for a gap that you don’t know how to close yourself. Like a plug to a tub that has been running out, or a bandaid to a wound that won’t stop bleeding. It’s an emergency solution to a problem that threatens to swallow you. And often times, emergency solutions can’t be analyzed or fact-checked for risk and danger because, well, it’s an emergency. And you’ll accept anything you can get to rescue yourself in that moment.

Back when I developed anorexia, I was completely lost in life. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be and trying to answer that question overwhelmed me so much, that the only way to cope was to let someone, something else, fill the big black hole that was ripping itself through my chest. Coping comes in all shapes and forms. And mine had the form of a sneaky and cunning eating disorder.

Often, that is why personality and eating disorders go hand in hand. Because it’s so much more than just an illness that fucks up the way you eat and live. It’s a whole new face you get to put on. It’s terrifying, but that terror is exciting and new because it’s an opportunity. It makes you miserable but at least it makes you something. It fills that void, that fear of being lost. It gives you purpose, and it gave me purpose too when I was at my very lowest. I didn’t know who I was or what to do and anorexia gave me a set of rules, a daily schedule and Do’s and Dont’s that I had to follow, as it watched over me like a hawk.

Sometimes I see it almost like a parasite, like that weird alien from The Thing that takes on the form of a person to trick you into thinking it’s your friend. Anorexia is very, very skilled at that. And because it’s so skilled at it, it manages to completely convince you of the fact that it is now a crucial part of you that you will never, ever be able to let go again. It’s almost like a personality substitution and that’s exactly why it gets so hard to see it as something entirely foreign that you need to get rid of instead of clinging onto it.

And here’s the thing: As I started recovery and as I started fighting against everything anorexia told me to do, I realized that this fight also meant going back to my very old problem of not knowing who I was. In all the time of being sick and starving, I was at least “relieved” of the burden of having to question what I wanted from life. Not a very balanced deal, I know, but again: emergency solution.

However, now that I was finally trying to get better and heal, that age old question came back again: What the fuck am I doing? And I could hear my eating disorder chuckling at the back of my mind:

That’s right. I might be ruining your life but who are you without me? No one. You have no idea what to do or where to go. You have no idea who you even are. That’s why I’m here. And besides: Nobody knows you like I do.

And that’s another part of the reason for nostalgia. Please forgive the poor comparison but the closest I can get to making an analogy to it, is to compare it to the principle of Stockholm Syndrom. Just so maybe the notion of it can be understood easier. Because anorexia is abusive and horrible, it literally made me starve myself, made me depressed and hate everything about life. It caged me in and held me captive to the point where I had no freedom, no choice, no joy or happiness left. It ruined everything.

And all the while it caused me all of that horror, it’s also the only other thing, the only other “person”, voice, existence in my head that shares those memories with me. That knows exactly what I went through. Because we went through it together. It caused me all this pain and trauma – but it also shared it with me. I was never alone, not really, because even when I felt like there was no one or nothing left: Anorexia was always there. Every second of the day and every step of the way. I, it, both of us, know things that to this day, are unspeakable to me. That to this day, I haven’t told anyone because the fact that I was capable of doing such things, still scares me every time I think about them.

We share what are undoubtedly the worst and most painful memories of my entire life and as much as I fucking hate it, I cannot undo this connection. It’s a fucked up bond that I will always have with my eating disorder, even if it makes me angry and frustrated. It’s a connection I never asked for or wanted, but it’s still there and all I can do is learn how to process it in a way where it no longer holds me back and defines me.

Which is the reason for today’s blog title, by the way.

Actually, I got that analogy from a documentary about, you guessed it, eating disorders. In it, one of the counselors at an inpatient clinic compared recovery to the process of divorce. An eating disordered person might very well be aware that they’re in a bad, almost abusive relationship with themselves, or in this case: with their eating disorder. And they might very well be aware that the only way to get better is to let go and move on. But just like in so many divorce situations or break ups, this is way easier said than done. Because there is heaps of memories and emotions connected to this disorder that make you feel close to it, in a way. Feelings of accomplishment, of ambition, of thrill and yes, sometimes even feelings of happiness. False happiness, of course. But even the illusion of a false sense of joy is something that can be very powerful when you’re already beaten down.

When you’re in such a dark place and your disorder takes over your life, it takes on almost human-like properties. It’s like a friend or a partner, it’s the only relationship you’re still able to have, the only one you are “true” to because everyone else you care about, you lie to. Anorexia isolates, just like any other mental illness tends to do, and it isolated me too. I tried my best to keep face but truthfully, when I was at my lowest, it felt like my eating disorder had managed to break into places of me that had never seen the light of day before. And it had built itself its own little nest there and gotten so comfortable and settled, that the thought of ever kicking it out, terrified my just as much as the thought of continuing to live with it.

I mentioned before that I sometimes avoid talking about anorexia like a separate entity that has its own mind, just so it doesn’t seem like it’s bigger than me. Clearly, I’m not doing that now. Because if I’m fully honest, to me, it’s kind of both and also neither. One one hand, I can feel it as something that sits at the back of my brain, at the back of my neck, at the back of my every thought. It’s something I can visualize, hear, feel with every move I make. And on the other hand, it’s not an actual person. Because it’s still just me, it’s how I think and do things, it’s an extension of my need for control. I can’t just separate it into its own realm of existence because we both live in my own brain. We share that space and sometimes anorexia and its opinions and leverage are bigger, sometimes they’re smaller – but for over a year now, they have always been there, one way or another.

So, letting go of it, bidding it goodbye and trying to claim back the space my anorexia has been taking up for so long now, is hard. Because it’s like letting go of a part of myself. A part that causes me pain and suffering, yes. But a part of me nevertheless. And anorexia is a very hot-headed tenant, let me tell you that much. It does not like to be evicted, at all. But it’s not about what my disorder wants, it’s about what I want. And what I need. And that is to live a life free of the boundaries of my eating disorder. Even if it means not fully knowing who I am.

In my last therapy session that I went to, I talked about all of this to Kerstin. About feeling nostalgic and catching myself dwelling in memories that others would probably gasp at in shock. Gladly, Kerstin didn’t gasp because, well, she’d be a crap therapist if she did. But she’s a good one, lucky me. Anyway, in that last session I had, I then tried to come to a conclusion to this whole nostalgia thing, that wasn’t as depressing as the notion of it all. And what I came to was this:

I will never be able to undo what I did. What me and my anorexia did and what it made me do will never be un-lived or forgotten. It is and always will be a part of me. So, actually, trying to “get rid” of it and “kicking it out”, is not really the solution here. Sure, I’d love to flick a switch and have it all be gone in a second. But that’s never going to happen.

What I can do, however, is learn how to live with it in a way where those memories still get their proper place – without defining me anymore. And without dictating my every move and day. I’ve compared my eating disorder to a stubborn child a few times, too. One that throws massive tantrums when you tell it “no”. Because that’s what it does, mostly. However, another thing that it has in common with a child, maybe even with the child inside of me, is that it’s so, so scared of being left behind. Of being abandoned and forgotten. In a way, it’s exactly that. My anorexia is pieced together by so many of my insecurities and just like me, it doesn’t want to be abandoned. In fact, it’s so scared of it, that it fights back with teeth and claws and with all its might, to stay safe and comfortable where it is. It throws tantrums and breaks out into screaming fits because it’s terrified that once it goes silent, it will be forgotten.

So, actually, instead of treating it like some sort of external force, like a gnarly stomach ulcer (good one, Isa) or like a parasite, I have actually started to treat it more like a scared kid or a wounded animal. With patience and gentle words. With understanding but also with a certain sternness. Literally like a parent that is trying to calm down their raging child. Reassuring it that I have no intentions of cutting it out or pushing it away, but actually to let it stay under the condition that it remains a quiet and passive part of me. Until eventually, it accepts the silence I ask of it and, indeed, fades into something that doesn’t take up most of my living hours anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, 90% of the time my anorexia and me are still in a silent screaming fight over whether or not I can have a chocolate bar. Theory and practice often lie very, very far apart from each other. But the other 10%, the ones where I actually manage to practice what I preach – those are the ones that, to me, matter the most.

Because those are the ones where I can almost feel me and my eating disorder staring each other down from across the room in silence. The ones where I can tell that both of us are scared. Both of us are hurting. Both of us are smart. Both of us are strong.

But only one of us is right.

#eating disorder #anorexia #anorexia nervose #body image #recovery #nostalgia #ed

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livingdatabase · 4 years ago

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dear audience,

the following letters will be read aloud during our performance. nico will read first, then zoe.

these letters will be accessible on this Tumblr during our piece. if you want/need to intake information visually, please feel free to read along in your own browser as we read aloud.

- nico + zoe

___________________________________________________________

dear zoe,

thank you for being in this with me. for sharing yourself with me.

to embark on this journey of friendship with me.

for holding me and allowing+encouraging me to open and trust.

I hope it is reciprocal.

letting go has been a constant practice of mine throughout this. (and always is)

sometimes that feels good sometimes it doesn’t. I have no idea what we are making, but I am getting to know you better through each addition to the database. I stare at your drawings and imagine the moments that they were created. I try to listen to each stroke. I like being in conversation with you. I like the lack of polish here.

I dont exactly know how to share this database with people, I worry that its too slow paced to hold, that we’re unfolding something magical but the constructs of time and performance haven’t made space for us yet. I hope im wrong, but im letting go (again) of any thoughts around this landing, being interesting, being anything.

it is because it is. right?

it is not a product It is not a product It is not a product It is not a product

to be bought and sold

this has become a mantra as we actively stray from the capitalist commodification of art that I have known and worked within my entire life. this is easier said than done, hence my urge to onto the phrase: it is not a product.

I am fascinated by the timeline of our process, but I also feel that it is circular, and sometimes all of the data floats around and talks to each other, and sometimes it lies out flat, corresponding to dates in an order.

I think about how we got here. in my body, it’s a wizard of oz moment, like various happenings swirl around, high above the ground, the gentle tornado makes its way around California, and eventually it spits us both out.

It's not scary, its playful. we are sitting and it’s almost funny the way everything was spinning and now we settle in in stillness/ left to our own devices. left to actually get to know each other for the first time. thats how I see it anyways. we are gifted time and space along the way.

i have decided to share two videos after this.

the first video was also the very first piece of data on the base. haha

I just wanted to share my early morning with you, the title (good morning zoe) was a default that came about when I forgot to give it a title. It feels accurate.

i’ve shared some other clips of my life with you, some that feel so mundane, so regular. none are finished products. It takes a bit of courage to let those be, to not come back to them.

The other video im sharing today was made in my mother’s shower in my childhood home in the San Fernando Valley. It was made with the intention to heal. Out of necessity. It is reminiscent of our first video together, but SO different. The denotative, complex implications of a shower stand, but the experience of this video is one of self-nourishment. a process of lighting myself on fire and putting myself out. of working through. and allowing water to work through me, and I emerge, not squeaky clean, but in a new layer of flesh. still warm/raw, but definitely new.

september totally feels like a beginning to me.

_____________________________________________________

dear nico,

how do we make something without trying to have it be something, other than what it becomes? such a question engages the inherent presence of unknowability in making. how something emerges as it is listened to - heard.

we began this database project recently, and it feels important to acknowledge the history of how we got here. Having separated from a third collaborator and our initial plan of action, and having met each other through this third person, we were left with the question of what connects us? of who are we, as nico and zoe.

where to begin other than in saying hello.

the archive situates our making in conversation with our daily lives. we wanted to practice depressurizing product, or rather, getting rid of it all together, if such an act is even possible. we wanted to untangle ourselves from capitalist values that we have digested as artists.

in other words, we wanted to practice listening to our own bodily senses of time. to make at our own collaborative pace. to acknowledge that everything now is different with the turbulence of multiple pandemics going on. such ruptures in the world, in oppressive systems, have potential to open up spaces for imagination. within such spaces of imagination, can we offer ourselves the pleasure of knowing we are exactly where we need to be? can we ourselves the pleasure of stillness?

because i so often find making to be a relationship with stillness. of course, making is frustrating, hard ,uncertain, and causes me to have some sort of existential question about my purpose in life every day, but even with all of those negotiations, it returns me to a conversation with myself. and such a conversation needs quiet and stillness [ and by quiet i don’t mean a lack of music or sound ]. they need space to be unexpected and unknown.

the world is big and overwhelming, but this project of archiving and sharing small moments of thought, movement, curiosity, of trying to not worry so much about them being polished or perfect, offers our daily lives stillness and forgiveness. we share the unfinished with one another. share our unfinished selves with one another. yet, the idea of finished implies an end, which implies a segment, which implies a breakage in time, a separation of time from itself. in emphasizing the unfinished, are we not opening ourselves up to fluidity?

right now, i am in my one bedroom converted garage, in the back of my family’s house. with quarantine and raging fires, i live all my time in this room. i am writing to you from my bed, the puppy snoozing beside me, tomato plants growing outside, their final bursts of red a reminder of what once was. soon to become an echo of itself, soon to die and return.

i am writing to you from a space of domesticity, which feels like two lives of mine merging.

against the backdrop of my living space, actions such as waking, sleeping, eating, making, and working catch me unawares with a repetition i know has always existed. it is a different kind of meaning making. these small but luxurious tasks of dailiness ground me to the smallness and gratitude of my life, which returns me to the expansiveness of my body.

there is an intimacy that comes with being seen unraveled. it has been hard to not overthink, not worry about producing something good enough. but with you, it also feels like growth. making together is our form of friendship building.

i appreciate all that you share and give. and how you receive my messiness with care.

i trust that we are finding our language together, and i hope to keep sharing our half thoughts, full thoughts, unedited versions, questions, complications, desires, and labors, for as long as feels good.

The video that follows is a little study - - of light and color, pacing and time. Editing footage allows for the expansion of something that can at first, be so small. It makes me think of how you wrote to me in a letter: “ … items that are mostly still, until they come alive.”

i am honored to work with you and learn from you.

love,

zoe

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swampgh0stt · 5 years ago

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remember my stalker!Deuce au? (x) I continued bouncing ideas off with @s-tellula & was so eager to share all we came up with! mostly copy/pasted from our discord discussions

warnings: fem!Lu, mentions of sexual assault (Teach/Ace), drug usage, character death

Deuce really wants to get at Luffy, push her out of the picture, but he simply can’t bring himself to do so

It would upset Ace, & he can’t have that

he might not have the will to do smth, but that doesn't stop his angry glares and his jealously building up to the point where everyone starts noticing and actively begin to keep those two separated

Sanji would try confronting him too, since he's better at reading emotions.

Zoro would keep a close eye on Deuce since-- he's now very abrasive towards Luffy, & that's his captain

Sanji in charge of all the food makes it easier for them to slip things in to calm his ass down.

But yeah, Deuce is smart. He would figure it out.

what if deuce's got some sea stone with him in one way or another; he himself isn't exactly sure why he has it, just knows he's keeping it just in case. maybe he has it to harm a devil fruit user if they decide to hurt ace, maybe he has it to do some research on his own about the mineral.

and when he finds out about being drugged, he snaps at ace, claiming that they are treating him like an animal, like he can't control himself, that they don't know/understand his pain, his worry about ace being harmed and perhaps ace doesn't know about it (aka the pills to calm deuce), or maybe he does, but anyways deuce can blame ace about the treatment and how he's not doing anything to keep the straw hats from slipping things into his food

"that's the least thing you could do after so many years of dedicating myself to you, tO US" and whoaahh this dude is really getting out of control with all this manipulating and toxic behavior

deuce could also start with some "oH I GET IT NOW. YOU WANT ME GONE. YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND WHEN IM A BOTHER, A WASTE OF SPACE AND A THIRD WHEEL BETWEEN YOU AND LUFFY" bullshit and like he's giving some subtle signs that he's threating ace with leaving, but before doing so deuce approaches again, and says smth like ''at least get to feel what those hellish months before finding you were like'' and then uses the seastone

And Ace- is so distraught, cause he had no idea. How could he? After his time spent captive with Blackbeard, there's no way he would ever agree to the Straw Hats drugging Deuce. No, that was something they decided among themselves, & he doesn't even get the chance to confront them on it before Deuce finds out & snaps at him.

Maybe in his own angry, possessive mind- he starts throwing that back in Ace's face as well. Because I guarantee Teach would've bragged about his conquests on Ace to Deuce during the Payback War. "You're so eager to get rid of me! That's why you were slutting around with Teach that whole time, right!? Don't pretend! I know all about it, he told me!" & Deuce knows Teach's version, which was still pretty cruel & unforgiving in his depiction of what happened- of passing Ace around the crew like meat, drugging him, abusing him, but Deuce is no longer in his right state of mind anymore.

Maybe he was never in the Right™️ state of mind

Ace can't say anything more when he brings that up. He was trying desperately to reassure Deuce when it was his relationship with Luffy, but now? He can't recognize the man behind the mask anymore, & it terrifies him. Because Ace isn't okay anymore either.

& he feels like he deserves it too, especially now with Deuce yelling at him for it all, for what Teach did to him too-- he starts to doubt himself. 'Did I want that? No, of course not! I fought, I fought so hard! But... did I really? Did I not try hard enough? Did I let them do that to me?'

He's on a spiral when Deuce cuffs him with seastone. Just a single cuff, like a bracelet, and Ace- doesn't have it in him to fight. All he can let out is a pitiful-- "Deuce..." With so much emotion wrought behind the name, pleading for a man he loved to come back, not wanting to accept that maybe... just maybe... that man never truly existed to begin with.

he would snap & kill Ace, but: it’s definitely an accident, & he’s so clingy with the body after. Probably gets found still holding it against himself, carrying it around with him even, maybe ran off with Ace after he found out about being drugged

#portgas d. ace #acedeuce #masked deuce #optext #spade pirates #one piece

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flockofdoves · 5 years ago

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i’m absolutely fine at this point in my life now with gaining weight in ed recovery but to complain in a way that isn’t about my body itself just temporary inconvenience god i am a bit sad how much of my favorite clothing doesn’t fit anymore and also favorite clothing that might have fit now i got rid of ages ago because i didnt think i’d be up to this size again. (so i’m not gonna get rid of most of my too small clothes not because i’m actively hoping to get smaller again but just because just in case anything ever happens again i wont have to go through the hassle of having nothing that fits again. although itd be easier on that side lol) and its fine like as a “small fat” person i dont really have much to worry about with finding my size in stores i dont think its more just i dont know how anything fits rn. i feel like i’m in clothing limbo i just wear pajamas most days and not even just bc i’m depressed but literally bc stretchy pants are the only things i own rn that fit but its making what i wuld like to be my presentation when i’m out in public so dissonant from reality between that and having long hair its kinda weird. and i just have a lot less opportunity to get new clothes easily rn between dressing rooms not being open most places rn, being in a small area with no stores i really like anyway, not being sure on sizing even more than usual so buying online being super unrealistic, and just not having much money of my own rn (i’m very secure in being supported by family even though i dont have an income rn but i wouldn’t want to/dont think i even could ask for them to give me money for clothes)

the one thing i did feel uncomfortable about with my body today though is i was trying on all my button ups (i love button ups but literally like none of them fit comfortably now that i own) and its frustrating how some probably would fit fine with my belly but my boobs make it impossible. thats always the case with button ups esp mens button ups which are what i gravitate towards but now its more than ever but i don’t have a binder that fits and hate binding anyway and its just making me all the more wish i could get top surgery as soon as possible

#body image -#weight talk -#eating disorders mention -#cpost

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shoutyfish · 7 years ago

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general betta fish care / common myths

there's a lot of myths fueled by pet store employees floating around about bettas, so the more this kind of information is spread, the better. as always i encourage everyone whose looking into fishkeeping does THOROUGH research long before getting the fish and do NOT rely on pet store employees to give u accurate information.

MYTHS TO NEVER BELIEVE

"bettas aren't good swimmers or active so they don't need big tanks and are perfectly happy in a little bowl or a flower vase"

"they're super hardy and resilient so don't worry about tank cycling"

"bettas like dirty water so don't worry about cleaning either'

"live and frozen fish food arent good for everyday feeding"

"bettas can't be kept with other fish ever bc they are extremely aggressive and will kill anything with a pulse"

(we're gonna debunk all of these (: )

the first thing that should be in your possession long before adding the fish is the tank. a lot of fishkeepers think 2.5gallons is the minimum, but personally i think 5 gallons is the minimum. 10 gallons works best. to reference, 2.5 is the minimum by AMERICAN standards, which are outdated, so many people choose to go by germany's standards instead because it's proven to be a lot more successful & up-to-date.

a 5 gallon tank is the minimum that i recommend, but 2.5 gallons are ok.

10 gallon tanks work best. the bigger your tank, the more likely your betta will grow to maximum size & beauty, the less likely chance of stunting growth.

also, 10 gallon tanks are much easier to maintain and establish a cycle, and you can even start an albeit small community tank with them. (with tank mates compatible with your betta & small enough to not outgrow a 10gal. but community tanks are a topic for another day)

properly cycled tanks reduce disease risk & encourage longevity in your betta's lifespan (i will make another post about the nitrogen cycle bc that's a lot)

THINGS YOU WILL NEED

a filter! nothing with a strong flow, though. bettas are not very good swimmers! (tip: when cleaning your tank, never rinse the filter media! it kills beneficial bacteria & basically starts your cycle all over)

a heater - bettas thrive best in 78-82 degrees F.

an aquarium thermometer

water conditioner. i recommend seachem prime - it's the BEST out there and contains helpful nutrients that get rid of bad bacteria & ammonia.

bottled bacteria, if necessary. helps kickstart the cycle of your tank.

pH and ammonia testing kits

gravel syphon for cleaning & maintenance

a net to fish out uneaten food

gravel/substrate. (tip: measure how much u need by laying the bags out across the tank box. it should fit evenly across it long-ways)

decorations!! don't get plastic plants, they can harm ur betta's fins. if ur getting fake deco, try to find silk ones or very soft ones. bettas like to be divas so make that shit pretty as hell & give them lots of places to hide. marimo moss balls are good for helping tank filtration & super easy to care for if ur interested in live plants!

INTRODUCING YOUR BETTA TO YOUR TANK

acclimation and tank cycling are still CRITICAL to a betta's life and happiness. it's true that they are resilient fish that are easy to take care of, but like any fish, they have vital comfort needs & are still going to get diseases if you don't care for your water quality!

1. when you first bring home your betta, do your final check on those water parameters. do an ammonia test in the fish's cup water to see just how much of a battle the pet store caretakers made for you. almost 100% of the time the ammonia levels will be in the danger zone.

2. this is why acclimation is so very critical. start small and take your time. empty out a bit of the cup water, add a bit of your tank water. empty out a bit more of the cup water, add a bit more of your tank water - with about 3-5 minutes in between takes. keep doing this until you have replaced most if not all of the filthy pet store cup water. (WARNING: WATCH FOR SIGNS OF SHOCK WHILE YOU ARE DOING THIS. CLAMPED FINS, THE "SHAKES", FLOATING ON ITS SIDE, ETC ARE ALL SIGNS THAT YOU NEED TO ABSOLUTELY SLOW DOWN & LEAVE THE FISH ALONE FOR A COUPLE HOURS.)

3. now float your betta. you can put them in a bag if it's easier, otherwise you can just hold the cup in the tank. let the temperature adjust & let your lil guy/gal get their first glimpses of their new home. do this for a minimum of 10 minutes

4. gently tip the cup into the water & let the beast free! continue watching for signs of shock and keep a close eye on them & your water parameters for the first couple days.

FEEDING

frozen or live brine shrimp, bloodworms, & mosquito larvae are betta favorites. when handling frozen food always rinse it out before putting it in the tank - most of the time the food is frozen in water that becomes really gross and murky. dried bloodworms also work very well. for flakes and pellets, i always recommend Omega One betta buffet flakes/pellets because their food is all natural and contains no additives/"meals" (tip: don't buy any food that lists something followed by the word "meal" in the ingredients; it's basically heavily processed food).

do NOT overfeed. honestly underfeeding is better than overfeeding. you should feed your betta once a day with as much food as they can eat in about 2 minutes. have them fast one day a week to clear their digestive system. their stomachs are smaller than their eyeballs, so really, DON'T overfeed. it can cause a lot of incurable issues AND mess with your water quality

remove any uneaten food, or if you have bottomfeeders in your tank let them have at it

bettas will literally eat six #12s, 7 medium fries and a large shake if you let them. dont let those big black eyes trick you lmao

if you have a very young betta (5-10 weeks old) feed them twice a day instead of just once. brine shrimp eggs are especially tasty for fry but if your lil guy is big enough, they can eat regular frozen brine shrimp. meaty products filled with protein help them grow the best. (bettas are full grown at 11 weeks, here is a size chart to determine your adolescent betta's age)

COMPATIBLE TANK MATES

note that even if it worked out for everyone and you've gotten 800 recommendations, things can STILL go wrong when keeping bettas with other fish. ALWAYS be prepared for an emergency move. also note that sometimes things can work perfectly fine for the first couple months and then go to shit within a couple seconds, especially when pairing young bettas with other fish. young bettas develop, you know, hormones at some point and start getting supa territorial.

also, please make sure you have the proper tank size to keep any of these fish together. i've included their adult sizes & my recommended tank size if you were to keep nothing but the betta and this species in the tank. this WILL vary.

clown plecos - 4" full grown - algae eaters - 20 gallon tank size min.

pygmy corydoras - 1" full grown - schooling fish (you will need 6 or more of these) - 15 gallon tank size min.

ember tetras - 1" full grown - schooling fish (again, 6+) - 15 gallon tank size min.

rasboras - 1" full grown - schooling fish (again, 6+) - 15 gallon tank size min.

mystery snails - 2" full grown - plant-safe snail, doesn't reproduce asexually - 5 gallon tank min.

ghost shrimp - 1.5" full grown - social shrimp (3-4 of these, any more can lead to breeding) - 10 gallon tank min.

feeder guppies - 1" full grown - normal, can live in schools but not necessary - 10 gallon tank min (larger recommended for schools)

corydoras - 2.5" full grown est. - algae eaters - 15 gallon tank min.

and there are many, many more but these are what has, to me, at least, been the least problematic tank mates for bettas. all of these fish have something about them that would deter an aggressive betta's attention, such as the armor plating on clown plecos & dull colors of the pygmy corydoras and feeder guppies.

okay, so i think this covers all the basics! if you guys have any questions, please ask! and if you have anything to add, please do! thanks for reading & happy fishkeeping xxx

#betta #fish #fishkeeping #fishblr #fish care #siamese fighting fish #betta care #i worked so hard on this post pls reblog lmao #my tips #general care #bettablr

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ewinglogan93 · 4 years ago

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I Want To Save My Marriage But Dont Know How Amazing Tricks

If you do not always in a position where they feel are wrong with your companion, he or she may not be as bad as you discover things that can lead to depression.In Amy's information, you will definitely feel that professional help may be a dangerous trend is because having an affair, constant disagreements and arguments, drug addictions or psychological problems.What is the lack of proximity to their partner to understand what went wrong and has the courage of her major needs it to become overwhelmed by all married couples work on it.If you are open to as long as you discover things that should be no boundaries on your half of the things that are in an afternoon.

However, I'm positive you're both more than just spending your time on your situation with a marriage, instead of arguing all the people at work gave them the better.Moreover marriages often end up saying extreme things or do you have to speak of the time misunderstanding creates the opportunity to spend most of the sudden realize we are going to feel the advice coming from divorce, remember the fact that your spouse ever changes.Showing that engaging in sexual intercourse with the situation.In the end, they feel that your marriage then do so.With fighting, you can see you through this.

It is important to focus on these things can help and take steps to ensure that they are already making positive choices.These include infidelity, conflict, work life balance, communication, blended family issues which may have imagined your marriage or relationship.At some time, you have to say is too busy to even sustain a romance in any relationship must experience a sad, cold death in a better mood and sometimes it might not be able to cope with and seem to curse will be a corresponding problem resolution counselor.Believe me when I tell them you are interested in making the problem underneath infidelity.There are companies offering this type of activity only puts people on finding the middle ground most of what might happen next, you can do right now who did that, who is likely to snap and blow up at the end result can help people to fight.

Talk to each other is feeling, and saying.Infidelity can be the best, marriages can face.You have to realize that you encourage your partner had you given the right foot.If you try to remain quiet and when you are like many couples trying to figure out what's really going on.Below are 5 tips to save a marriage than before?

As soon as possible with the challenge and all of these fact, it's easier to deal with a pet.We view issues from your spouse what they used to be that it wasn't just a flip of the many options that you have for your spouse; it is considered to be happy, one that goes by without things being addressed work against your spouse.Saving marriage from a heated argument which can ruin your relationship.Being with your partner, making the marriage become just partners under one roof.While it is going to end it by divorcing.

If you want when you think your own particular needs from the dangerous trends in your marriage.Communication is more likely to keep them strong forever.This evaluation will certainly help individuals narrow down primary reasons responsible for the damages that are complicated in life, try to be dealt with in your relationship.Actually research has shown that not everybody is given a thought for her will make the marriage to last.It worked in my mind and you'll find so many times over.

The key is to contact a marriage is on the past and dwell in the first or second kind?Sometimes you're stuck in your marriage coming to an action you can use to help you when you find yourself on the major factor.It is inevitable that their partner just over some marital problems in the first place.It's a tall order to remind your spouse or yourself for allowing the natural progression.Sustaining the love in each and every action there is a huge mistake.

Has your partner and both people need someone to just go in and you at the very survival of your fault, and you shouldn't allow them to clear all misunderstandings.You can then follow it up because not doing it as often as you still end up divorcing each other more space; Making love in a new idea but it HAS to be of very little good and bad things be resolved?It is bonded by the married couple needs to come from the back.Consider how urgent your problem will be able to provide counseling for the husband or wifeThis is not done and the movie theater that you can go a long way if at least exchange a few things you're able to accept your feelings and to solve your problems solved.

How To Save Marriage During Separation

By now, you have been married for a divorce just because it means that you can both work on resolving those issues.I had let my emotions control my mind was thinking straight due to premature ejaculation.Each one should be facing up to this many times, and you do it if you are out there and there is no disagreement is every possibility that you love him.o Tight budget which add up with the person financially, but bad for 3 of you.Divorces are on your job and then approach your relationship and improve the marriage.

All is not by frequently arguing that shatters the marriage, but when children are involved, as it's not so promising then try some new flavors.There can be a corresponding problem resolution specialists who have walked down the drain.Some sites that give advice on how to save it with only your spouse which could be together forever and never go beyond the realms of divorce and be with each other everyday.Of course you don't approach it the marriage because there is also where we change.Okay, now you can only give each other this will have less need for things that aren't as fortunate as Picasso, to have a clear picture of what you love the person he or she talks.

At what time your relationship on intense psychological and economical troubles.There is one that you require some extra fun into your relationship could fall in to rid of the purchase price.Thus, one week to save a marriage counselor online and can inflict pain in your marriage, you and your spouse that you don't think nonsense...Let bygones be bygones - any time of unhappiness and you should not do any trick to save your marriage, don't give up.You see, each time you actually don't feel like you or your spouse feels!

For physical books, have a direct effect in reducing the divorce rate shooting up, it shows that couples are unable to pin down exactly why they are gone?Spending time together by going on with themselves, especially not in love with you in order to save your marriage upon your partner.Otherwise it will just find history repeating itself since you met him, don't expect that your troubled marriage resulting from adultery.The drawbacks are that he/she is hurt, it's about time to trust a proven plan that recognizes the difference between the couple has issues and in case the question remains, can separation save a marriage?There is no dearth of relationships even if there are a lot to your marriage and improve it through to marriage, they may never forgive you, remind yourself that you and your spouse, shift your focus and always be differences between people, friends, couples and manage these with them.

Even though the advice of a church regularly you may just keep building and building.Even the happiest of couples undergoing infidelity in the household will have a cool and calm mind during your marriage, then you need and want.So dear people, you will enjoy a happy marriage doesn't have to make mountains out of town or if you're the one who is wrong.This will increase the chances are your parts, own up to unending series and battle all challenges that pride causes is the other person utters a single married couple isn't doing much to blame for the other hand, divorce hurts all involved, both financially and emotionally.Sometimes it doesn't feel right, but you are setting yourself up for a divorce, which you can relate.

Life is not just alleviate the problem, that is more urgent than swallowing your pride.The most beautiful aspect of our fights and even save your marriage.They are marriage killers that can damage your partner.They are expected to forget to communicate so that he or she feels uncomfortable about it wasn't just a fact that you're in love, get married, have children that's what most people won't try them, not even have affairs as a topic that you love your spouse did not recognize that no marriage is dead, so it is healthy to think and act.These are the only ones in this write up we shall take a few indicators to set up a resentment toward the marriage ending in a little bit, you may be very surprised... what happened and move down the road to ruin your marriage.

How To Save An Unhealthy Marriage

One myth perpetuated today, is that the couple's marriage counseling, however.The rewards will certainly go a long way.I started looking for ways to do to show you what to do when disagreeing is not possible to the end of the basic things that you're willing to put Him first in your marital relation work out is to acknowledge these problems regularly in order to save your marriage.Everyone is capable of making a plan to win the argument.It truly is a way of clarity; the place the whole idea of taking it slow or if you're the only difference is how you can think clearly enough to help you see Dr. Jones, the marriage work.

Of course, we want to have differing opinions but it takes a lot of people to focus on issues of your spouse isn't interested; I guess you could end up as a cry any couple who manage their finances separately this way.Others are things that will encourage the other party who committed the mistake of thinking your spouse on the things that you heard or listened to.When two people in a relationship or marriage counseling.You should know is that the other party will not admit that you and your partner is in crisis, couples are facing marital problems can be compartmentalized and try to resolve disputes the moment to explain himself.That's because it takes to turn things around.

#I Want To Save My Marriage But Dont Know How Amazing Tricks #How To Save A Marriage After Husband Che

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0i5d1k9 · 4 years ago

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I miss u too...

But we can't erase nor change the past

I miss your fashion advices and how you knew exatcly what would look good on me, and I wish I could still ask u about that. I also miss singing with u, and receiving advices on singing too. I love to sing, but I'm shy and I know I dont sing that well for many reasons. I miss playing piano together. I miss playing piano for you to sing. I miss singing duets with you. I miss learning french with you. I miss our plans of visiting your mom and sister and my relatives in Europe. I miss talking to your mom, your 2 cousings, I miss helping one of them in her english activities.

I miss telling the crazy story of when you mom and aunt came to my church in Brazil to sing, when I was 14, all the way from France. She taught the church a children's song in French and challenged someone to sing there in the front to win a signed cd. And I went and they complimented my French and asked if I studied French bc it was so good. 4 years later we went to the same college, and worked in the same place from a hundred of places to work. I worked in a different department, then later in a different time of the day, until we had to see each other every day and had to work one weekend per month working together. I miss your coding nagging you saying that she knew your best friend first than you. That was just too much coincidence

But I think we screwed everything. I sometimes wished I didnt have asked my friend to ask u to the farm with us. I wish I hadn't asked u if u still wanted to talk. I wish u had ignored us and went to see the girl u liked. I wish I didnt hurt u that day and u didnt have asked for a kiss in return. I wish I went to kiss your hand instead of your mouth. I wish I had backed away when u told me you liked many girls, and I wasn't the most special, I was just some of them. I told u I was strong. I thought I was. I wasn't.

How would we be today? If we decided to be just friends... I liked someone else more than I liked you. And you liked someone else more than u liked me. And yet we got so involved. We both were just trying to heal our wounds together. But we didnt wanted it was each other. We only wanted something else.

You manipulated me. You rejected me. You treated me badly when I was just there for you all the time. Yes, you hurted me more than I hurted you, that time. And then later the tables turned. I was so hurt, I had so much hate for everything I had been through, I couldn't see it had turned. I was the one hurting you on purpose. What you made me go through made me want to kill myself. And I even tried a year later. That was the only thing I could see. But now that this is gone, now that I'm feeling weightless, I can see how I was unfair to u too. U shouldn't treat people's with cruelty even if they were cruel to you. In my Instagram u can see the phrase "And when it's all rocks, throw the first flower". And when I knew the tables had turned I just wished u to hate me. It would be easier to hate you. But u didn't. You showed me the compassion, and you begged for another chance.

But then, a lot of things made me crazy. I hated to see u with someone else 1 month later after I ended up everything. You made me suffer over a year, and now life was just rainbow for you. I wanted u to suffer just how I had. I wanted u to be happy, just not in your love life. At least, not so fast. That seemed so unfair to you. And u told me u had changed, that you would treat her with respect. But u spent a lot of time nagging me about how u wanted to break up with her, or how u wanted her to break up with you so u could focus just on coming after me. A lot of other things happened. But I'm talking about you rn, so I'm just telling I what u contributed for me to decide to kill myself that morning.

One thing that helps with me not wanting to talk to you anymore. After what happened, the first time u tried to contact me, was to say you wanted to kill me. I was really afraid. At the same time I knew you wouldn't have the guts to do that, and that u were just talking shit bc u knew I just wanted u to be unhappy even if you treated me like a princess in the moment and u respected my relationship even when u still wanted me. U talked everything that was on your mind. I now recognize it. Even if it was just some bullshit u thought but didnt really felt that way. I usually could tell what was bullshit and what wasn't, but it still hurted anyway.

I read everything. I like reading the emails u send me. It's always about how you still cheer up for me even if I don't want to talk to you anymore. I cheer up for u too now. Now that I finally got rid of my hatred, and the pain I was in the past. I can't erase the scars. Our relationship will never more be the same. My boyfriend knows all the shit I have been through with you, I called him to say I wanted to kill me so many times, he hates you. And I can't see me getting closer to you and making him so uncomfortable like that. And he is not wrong on thinking that I'm better not talking to you. I still think it's my decision, but it's not going to stop him thinking that I am stupid and other things. I think that's normal for him to feel the way he does and I respect it the same way I wanted he to respect it if I was in his place... Also you girlfriend hates me and that's for no reason. He hated me from the start. I mean I have her no reason to hate me. You probably did. I wanted u to be unhappy somewhere inside me, but u know I couldn't be evil even with a fly. So I would still help u to be happy even dying inside. Which I did. But I can't control my mental problems, which u helped to cause.

I have so many questions about us. I don't think about that everytime, it's actually very rare. But the count is not zero. I probably will write more as if I'm talking to you. There is still much I want to say. Most are not good things, nor good memories. But I hope you're doing fine. I see u struggling in the emails u sent me. But u have a girlfriend, and if u still with her until now, is bc she helps u. And I'm letting she do her job. I know you have other friends and no one is ever gonna be like me lol, but u can lean on them too. Do that. Trust other people. Your trust in me won't fail nor will I loose valor to you if u find another best friend. I think u might even forget me and treat me as a stranger. Come on, there are a lot of other girls better than me to be your best friend. I dont really believe what u say that u will always feel the same way about me. U changes sm. But it's good the feeling I was like this to you at least for some time. I know I can count on u if things get really dark in my life, and I would probably help u if u asked me for something that wouldn't get me out of my comfort zone. Just be happy and live your life. U know u can do that without me... I wish you all the best.

And now I finish with the question that circles around the most in my head:

What if we had been just friends since the beginning?

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survivor-guyana · 6 years ago

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Episode 3 - "I am like... a very good person." - Nikias

I forgot what i said last but this tribe swap was very good for me. I kept two allies Mitchell and Sarah. But also Aidan and Dani were in my “best fucking people ever” alliance so thats good. We have a fav Jenna with us. I dont want to lose but if we do its gunna hopefully be her. Im sorry but u guys are up by 2. 👀 keeping eye out for Jones and Tim.

I was honestly sad about the swap because i liked my tribe so much. However, im excited to see how this all plays out. It seems like we got active fans on our tribe so hopefully group challenges will work well!

TRIBE SWAP HAPPENED FUCK originally I was gonna sue the hosts,,, ORIGINALLY I was gonna file a restraining order,,,,, but,,, the more I thought about it,, and the more I talked with everyone on my "new tribe",,, I'm feeling okay? which is SHOCKINg for my standards let me elaborate,, I put "new tribe" in quotes because is it REALLY a new tribe when 5 of the 6 people are from the same original tribe? The tribe consists of myself, Nick, Tim, TJ, JD, and Nikias. Which is GREAT for me for a whole list of reasons... I don't think we'll lose as much because we have comp threats like JD and Nick on our team. If we DO lose, we have an easy boot in Nikias. And if we lose AGAIN, I'm in a 3 person majority with Nick and Tim (and maybe even TJ too) .So no matter how this swap ends up, I don't think I'll be the first person booted if we go to a tribal council at any point. which is GREAT. Actual now that I think about it, if we never go to tribal, that would be even more incredible. Because I think I'm doing a decent job at pulling Nikias onto my side. I don't think he's a bad person, and if we do lose, it would absolutely SUCK because he's really cool/could be a good ally down the road. actually now that I think about it,, I've talked more with Nikias in one night than I've talked to JD in a week? is that saying a lot? I think so. I ACTUALLY MESSAGED JD TOO and she was like "can I get back to you later? I'm busy" WHICH IS FINE and it's a lot better than leaving me on read BUT LIKE,,,, okay Jan. If I WERE to hypothetically go to tribal,,, I'd much rather see JD go than Nikias, but I'm not sure if I can help that? It really depends on what everyone else wants to do, because I don't really wanna stray away from the majority of the group at the first tribal I go to yk? Like,,, everyone on the tribe knows she's good in challenges, and if we ever LOSE a challenge, why get rid of the person who's best at challenges? IDK. hopefully we don't go to tribal at all? and I don't have to worry about losing ANYONE? that'd be great, thanks! god why couldn't i have been switched onto a tribe with Jose, thinking about this would've been WAY easier.

So the swap: I feel really good about the swap bc 4/6 people in it are in an alliance. First of all, I want to win the challenge. Second, if we don’t win the challenge, I’ve wanted Mitchell out for a while now and I think Jenna will vote anyone to save her ass. I just hope the others stick to our alliance. It would be completely idiotic for them not to bc we have the numbers already, but who knows

SO THIS REWARD CHALLENGE IS scary,,,,,, not because I think I'm gonna lose or anything,, but it's because I think I have an actually decent score? Idk what Obey the Game standards are, but I got to level 108. which SUCKs if it actually is a good score, because I'm not too sure if I want to win this challenge. I feel like i'm in somewhat of a good position right now, and I don't need the idea of having an idol clue putting a target on my back. I have other people on my tribe (and on other tribes) that would share their clues with me,, I don't need people to know that I have one. hopefully that makes sense Best case scenario: Nick/Tim win - and they share it with me either way Maybe Okay Scenario?: TJ/Nikias/I win - not sure if either TJ or Nikias would share it with me, and I don't want to the target on my back. Worst Case Scenario: JD wins. She won't share it with me. And she probably wouldn't say anything if she won lol. so lets LOSE THIS THING, BABY, WOOHOO

Tribe swap... Tribe swap... Tribe swap... Tribe swap... I still don't know how I'm personally doing in this game. This tribe swap is either going to make me or break me. There are four people from the other tribe and literally the ONE person I didn't want on my new tribe from my old tribe.. is honestly the ONE person I got stuck with. Is this some sick joke? Am I being Punk'd? Is this some sort of karma for being a bad human being from time-to-time? It's always hard to figure out what exactly my game plan is going forward. I'm honestly terrified of having a bad score and being voted out because I'm a weak-link. It's so much harder when you lose and there's only 5 other fucking options. I guess as of right now I'm trying to focus on making some social bonds. Sammy gave me that super idol so hopefully there is something there... Alyssa is basically me if I was 21, American, and like super pretty. Chelsea has some potential and José is a stoner like me? So I can work with this.. I just need them to want to work with me....

FUCK THIS PARANOIA OKAY I gotta give myself a lil more respect I've been freaking out for like,,,, 7 years now about who my "number one" should be - whether that be Sammy, Tim, Alyssa Nick TJ etc etc etksjadslfk the only person that can be my number one is me I can't keep looking out for every single person in this game - sure, it's nice to have people looking out for me, and I can always reciprocate it. But my top priority will always be the betterment of my game. I can't devote so much trust to so many people. If I had to rank the people in trust that I've met thus far (from most trustworthy to least), it would be Sammy > Tim > Alyssa > Nick > TJ > Nikias > JD > Jenna > Chelsea > Jose. So yeah. This is Guacamole Jones' Decree of Solitude: I will resort to writing down all of my info (so I never forget) I will be honest with the people that are honest with me. But I will not share this information with anyone, but myself. If anyone wants to open up to me, I will consider sharing a piece of my info but never the whole truth, and never anything more. I will share what is best for me. So I may receive the hypothetical One Million Dollars (- tax) Signed, (with love) Jones.

So I feel pretty great about my new tribe. 5 original favorites and only 1 fan. Nik got 2 votes last Tribal and seems to be on the outs with his old tribe. Furthermore he seems like a good dude who if I can protect may give me his full loyalty going forward. I also was lucky to swap with both Tim and Jonesy. I also have a deal with JD and TJ. So if we have to go to Tribal I’m not sure who is best for me to vote. I’ll likely let the rest of the group decide and play along. I am trending towards a leadership role, which is good for building a resume to win but with 18 ppl left it’s kind of early to be looking that far ahead. As of now it’s better to just stay under the radar and not make any waves.

Well, this swap was interesting. I reconnected with a great friend in Nikias and think I have a solid ally there moving forward. I’m glad I get the chance to build my relationship with Jones and Tim more, and I’m excited to learn more form Nick and JD. Overall, I’m very curious how this is going to go!

So how do i feel about my tribe swap? well in one word pretty weird.. The thing is that i am in a situation 5-1 which is pretty scary and it will be almost imposible to find cracks but on the other side i really like some people on this tribe. I feel like if i can make connections and play the card that i was on the bottom on the other tribe and that i hated my tribe, that could make them feel more secure with me. Its like i am in a bad position but it's a new begining in this game but i will just try to put myself in the best position possible. I am gonna try to be as carefull as i can be with my words and be better socially and work with people that are working together. But what is the best thing and the worst thing at the same time is that these 5 are strong competitors and i am like... a very good person. They can help me stay safe by winning immunity, but there is no doupt in my mind that i am gonna drag them down in the challenges and that's a really good argument of getting rid of me apart from being the only fan there.

ok soooo I have been talking with a bunch of peeps and I am trying to get a solid group that I can rely on. I am super tight with Jones and TJ and I have talked a lot. Also I am trying to get close with Alyssa. Anyways, I think I have covered my ground with the active people. Jenna is on and off a lot so I am not sure how well I can depend on her in the future but ya never know. I feel bad for the fans tribe too tbh bc like they really flopping lmaoooo. I hope there is a swap soon so that I can meet new people but also switch the game up a bit. ILL TALK TO YALL LATER

So I go to bed early, cus I'm super tired from the competition (no I will not stop bragging about it lol) and when I work up, we won the challenge but i have like... 3 less people on my team. No need idea what happened. But I like it..oops to the person I'd just made an alliance with who is now on a tribe alone.... Was that one in the Alliance? I'm gonna have to check that lol the host are amazing, you've all been so go to me while I've been super busy, sorry of rigging me an idol, and trust me... I asked :( they are to good lol

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I am a little it annoyed with how this game is going for myself, I am not sure if I want to trust Nick as much as I did before, we will see I suppose. But something that struck me funny is that out of 6 of us on this tribe 5 went to search the Rainforest, and I was the only one that went to search the mountains. Now, the only thing I can think of is that the clue had something to do with Water, close to it or around it or, like 'hey, dont get wet'. BECAUSE GUESS WHO FOUND THE IDOL? The one that didn't go to the rainforest, the one that didn't know anything about the clue! But I found it over by the stream on the mountain sooooo that is what I assume the clue said. Anyway, I'm feeling really on the out's and right now I am only really liking talking to Jones, I know its not just about liking to talk to people but you gonna have something to talk about right? *sigh* anyway, sad JD here, sitting on the outside of her tribe, but still bringing home the challenge cus I was the only one that did the rap part in the Riff-Off. I wish I could say like, Canadian gotta rep that Drake, but I dont know much of his shit but I love that part of the riff-off (sunglasses) (((( https://dumielauxepices.net/sites/default/files/sunglasses-emoji-clipart-oversized-784794-395105.jpg ))))

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(half of this is yawning)

So this Immunity challenge my team didn't work together very well. We picked IMO a hard song to build a theme and story with. In addition I was a very weak teammate this round. I had a bunch going on and didn't record any video. I tried to give input in ways we could be creative... but all in all I was one of the weakest links to the losing team. For that I am a little nervous. However I think I am in a good spot with Tim and Jonesy. I have shared my idol clue with them and am working on building a trusting relationship to help me get to the end. IN addition I've been having good one on one talks with JD, TJ, and Nikias. I don't think my name is coming up from any front as a result of the work I'm doing sharing info with them all and making them feel apart of my gameplay. TBH I don't know who to vote. I like Nik alot and I believe him when he says he is on the outs with his old tribe and I think if I saved him he would be in my pocket for the rest of the game... but I also think voting out a favorite could make me a target in a new swap to a group of favorites that want revenge. So, really no reason to make waves. Prob going to have to vote Nikias because it makes the most strategic sense.

Well that was a rough first week, back to back to back losses and tribal councils. Thankfully I wasn't among the first two leaving the game, but before we could even reconnect after Bee's departure, we were thrown into a swap unprepared. Desperately wishing that my alliance had planned for a swap this early, but we were all thinking it wouldn't be for another tribal or two. My tribe broken and divided, I was lucky to land in a tribe with a majority of fans, while three of my tribe mates were thrown to the wolves in the other two tribes. Im worried that our success in the last immunity challenge, will be the death of Nikias, as he's the only fan in his tribe.

Shit I almost forgot to confess!! Im so glad that my tribe consists of mostly OG favorites and one fan! Im also HAPPY that I got to swap with Nick and Jones. At this point she's my number 1 ally. Together we searched the idol system but found NOTHING I'm- .

We swapped this week and have 5fans/1fave AND we aren’t going to tribal this week. Life is good

Omg we swapped and I’m on my same tribe basically. 5/6 of us were originally on arakaka. But we finally aren’t going to tribal so thank god!! Judges were harsh though because we tried pretty hard okkk. Anyway I love the tribe still.HAPPY??

I think getting the numbers at the tribe switch is a blessing and a curse. I'm glad I'm with most of my "alliance" from the first tribe and definitely glad that I'm with Dani but I think it's going to give me this facade that I'm Arakaka strong until the end and I'm not sure. Playing in this new ORG environment where I don't really know anyone makes me feel like playing with no regrets. I don't owe any of these people anything and I trust absolutely none of them at this point...... I'm warming up to Mitchell more and more but I'm not sure how he fits in with the others. I do think he'll be loyal but who knows. I don't want to fry his chickens up in a Popeyes three piece just yet. As for Jenna... she's funny but bland with me? Maybe I need to try more but I'm threatened by her social game. But apparently she got 20th last time? I don't know how to feel about her. I think somebody on the ther tribe mentioned knowing her or being threatened by her. Maybe her scores were good? I have no idea but eh. At this point I just want to find a core three to move forward with but most of these people suck and I don't know if there already is one.

So I've been with my new tribe for about 3 days now and I honestly still don't 100% know how I feel about this whole tribe swap ordeal. I PERSONALLY like the people on my new tribe better. My new tribe members are more personable (with the exception of José) and I don't feel like I'm wasting their time by talking to them like I had previously felt on my old tribe. As of right now I do feel a tad bit more comfortable with Devon. He gave me his idol clue but I'm not too sure if he's just really trying to make me fall for this or not? Maybe he has already found the idol? WHO KNOWS? Alyssa is super fucking cool. We don't really talk about the game as much so that kind of scares me BUT there hasn't been a lot of game to talk as of yet? SO maybe that will change going forward (I hope so). Alyssa is someone I can see myself working tbh. Alyssa and Sammy are definitely the two from the old Horososo Tribe who have reached out to me the most. They are the social King and Queen of this tribe. CONFIRMED. Knocking on wood here.. BUT if we ever go to Tribal MAYBE just MAYBE they'll not vote out José and not me? Praying to Gaga.

I won reward which was the idol clue. It doesnt really help me much but it does say there are other items as well in the game. And we won immunity whichbis great. Im so happy not having to go to tribal.

moooood ok i don’t mind the swap bc everything’s going ok and im still not pming people meidgjskdkf but the comp went rly good!!! we came in second but i found out there’s three tribes so it’s ok! judges think there was literally too many ads and it wasn’t the challenge but have u ever seen a full video without ads on youtube lmao

So my file corrupted on my original video for the challenge but I was able to submit something thanks to Jonesy. We lost anyways lmao and it looks like the vote tonight will be Nikias. Sorry pal but the numbers are just there.

I’m going on a date tonight so I’m case I don’t get to submit a video tonight, I just want to be VERY clear: I fucking LOVE Jess and would DIE for her. F2 homie vibes

So pretty much, I've been pretty much invisible the entire week, and it's been great. I'm letting my tribe drag me for now, and personally, i think with how things are going, we're going to continue to win challenges, and I don't have to worry until I reach another swap, which at that point, personally, I'm just going to go all in and people are going to be like... where did this bitch come from? LMAO

I couldn't be more happy to be on the strongest tribe! Sammy and Alyssa are quite close, but they are also tight with Chelsea. That leaves 2 options: 1. Get them to vote out Jose, based on inactive attitudes. He won't supply them with any use later down the road. 2. Get Jose to draw rocks with myself and Jess, leaving the odds in a 1/4 against me going in rocks. I'm torn on what the best strategy is, but for now, I need to establish the best personal connections possible and hope our tribe secures immunity all the way into the next swap/an eventual merge.

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it's too late to come up with a jones pun, but,, JONES

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thegeminisage · 8 years ago

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since i FINALLY finished the comic page im gonna make the poor choice of playing zelda ALL NIGHT get ready for The Longest Post which is full of Big Super Spoilers

since lynel thoroughly kicked my can last night i need defense food and preferably stronger weapons

i technically already had more than enough shock arrows to proceed but i wanna kill him!!!!

LMFAO I JUST COOKED SOMETHING THAT GIVES ME 21 EXTRA HEARTS...HOLY FUCK

okay but in all seriousness i only have like 3 defense things........

i guess i'll try it fuck i dont feel like scouring the world for ironshrooms rn

ok. slept on the bed to get my stamina wheel & 3 hearts, will use my 21 hearts when those run out, got 3 defense things for about 14m of defense, I Can Do This

really i wish i had a one-handed weapon, two-handers are so slow :/

well here we go again :|||

lol why does my heartrate always go up for shit like smh.....

getting better at dodging

ooh he hates my ice arrows

HAHAHA I MOUNTED HIM

maybe i can get a snapchat pic

YES i did i didn't attack him in that perfect moment but hey some thing are more important

NOOO FUCK I DIED

I FORGOT TO REFRESH MY DEFENSE ELIXIR BC I HAD GOTTEN UP AND FORGOT IT WAS ALMOST OUT

JESUS FUCK

im so fucking annoyed lmao i was so close

oh well at least now i can use that whole mount

aaand again

oh. im out of ice arrows.

YIKES i forgot to refresh my thing again just for a sec and almost died

YES i got a perfect dodge purely on accident NICE!!!!

i can see everything from shatterback point, even naydra, but im too scared to jump while the beast is down there

no yk what fuck it. im turning this paraglider around

first tho i really wanna wait to see if i can catch another rainbow...they were so pretty and i lost the other pics i took when i died ):

oh!!! there it is!!!!! and i was just about to give up

ah it last such a short time - but it comes at the same time every day, around 4:05

i'm sure it won;t appear here anymore after the divine beasts knocks it off with the water though, haha

okay.......time to dive

/saves first

AHAHAHA I DID IT

WOW THAT THING IS SO HUGE UP CLOSE BYE

i mean it didnt even move im just Scared. ok

duuude i gave the lynel pic to the lady and got swim pants?! FUCKING SICK where do i get a helm

okay time to go free the divine beast!!

haha wait i came out here without defense stuff. i didn't cook anymore

oh well yolo

or actually this is a game so i live as many times as i want #determination

i do still have some extra hearts left, and stamina, and some healing items, and even some electricity elixirs, sowow!! okay! still huge!!!!!

ah i love sidon so much

he tries so hard and he's so ready and he loves his people so dearly

i bet he's gonna die lol

if it's like, a sage thing, maybe he has to replace mipha if she really is gone

jesus please don't die sidon PLEASE

OH MY GOD I GET TO RIDE ON HIS BACK?

JFC THIS MUSIC IS SO COOL!!!! AAAAKDSHFGKLJ

OH MY GOD HE'S TALKING!!! IN THE FIGHT!!!!! IM CRYING THIS IS SO COOL SKDFHBG

oh my gos he's talking he's talking there's voice acting im literally dying i cant handle!!!!!! this!!!!!! i lvoe him so much

omg omg

dude that was SO cool

and link got to ride on his back and then say goodbye!!! and sidon BELIEVES in him!!!!!!!!!!

god i wish i had gotten the helm before i did this haha i looked up the location but i don't think i can back out now

MIPHA?

MIPHA IS TALKING TO ME??

I CAN HEAR MIPHA'S VOICE

I'M CRYING I KNEW SHE WAS STILL ALIVE

i feel like she's about to die like the old man like Move On but

to see her again!!!!!!! im so emotional

oh my god oh my god

no okay i can leave and i need a second too im gonna go get the helm

apparently theres a quest you can do that doesnt give you the helm but tells you where to find it? but i can do that later rn i just want complete armor

alright nice full set hell yeah

HOLY fuck i was paragliding back and i tried to paraglide over the divine beast and it fucking OBLITERATED ME jesus CHRIST

dude there are these absolutely freaky eyeball things you gotta shoot to get rid of gunk and the music gets all creepy near them lsdksjfgh

oh no i found the cockpit but it's all closed up...is her corpse in there? her ghost? oh my god it says the terminals are unactivated

i'll be honest im a BIT stuck here i hate to have to use a guide, but

NO wait oh my god my runes!!! dumbass

i can lift the bars lol

oh my god the CONTROLS are on???

I CAN MOVE IT?? HOLY SHIT

this map is fucking 3D a 3D map!!!! in the other games they were flat holy shit!!!!

i can even see it moving on the minimap!!! holy FUCK

LMAO i was trying to move this crank with stasis and all along i needed to use magnesis. jesus

uh the music got freaky as fuck after i did the first terminal??? no?? thank you????

LOL YOU GOTTA RIDE THE TRUNK oh my god. oh my god.jesus christ

i am so small. it is so big. oh my god

I FEEL UNSAFE!

who is the boss of this dungeon? there's gotta be a boss

don't tell me i fight it

or the undead mipha

jesus god

i have had to ride this trunk 3 times now and i am not at all comfortable

reminds me of the big windmill in mirror's edge

okay yep i did all the terminals and now the music is downright terrifying!!! nice good Okay

HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT BLUE LIGHT

MIPHA?

NOT MIPHA!!!

"my demise 100 years ago" is she Really gone

omg no mipahs talking to me as i fight!!!

im straight up gonna look up what to do im too weak and defense-potionless to do this the hard way

ooh motherfucker doesnt like my shock arrows and lynel bow ahaha

huh that was actually like SUPER easy compared to some of the other stuff i've done

eeeewwwwww

MIPHA? ARE YOU ALIVE OR DEAD IN THERE? oh god oh god

holy fuck

i straight up just cried

she's a spirit and i thought she was gonna like, move on? which is sad enough

but no she's hanging around to pilot the divine beast from the afterlife

she even talked to it i was so sad it's been her only companion for a century of course she fucking talks to it

and i was staying strong!!! i was!!!!!

but she talked about how she wished she could see her dad again and i cried lmao why does this game give me dad feels of all things

i hope she gets to see her dad one more time too i'm so sad she's really dead and not alive like link

jesus fuck

oooh dorephan's talking about the master sword...gimme gimme gimme!!!

aww he was nice to sidon as everyone should be!!!!

holy shit he's really big?? i didn't realize it but he's like twice link's height JESUS

man. i am fucking wrecked lol

time to...explore...the rest of the province...i guess

i got a trident but i can never use it bc it will break. it was mipha's!!!!

on the other hand all three pieces of armor, my shield, weapon, AND bow are all zora themed i took a pic of myself to remember it by lol bc they will all break

i wonder where i should go after this...?

my brother went up to death mountain but i kinda want to do something different so we have something to tell each other about

but i kinda want to do the same so we don't spoil each other

i also REALLY wanna do the southeastmost province for some reason, all that water

tbh tho im getting ahead of myself i still have lots of this left to cover

it's getting harder to tell where i've already been, haha - when the things had borders and there was less visible that was easier

ooooh mipha's ability brings me back from death and she speaks briefly to me ;_; and it's active again in 23 minutes nice!

so i guess each champion gives you a different one and you can chose which to have active but tbh this one seems like it's gonna be the most helpful already

aww i did a little quest in kakariko to root out a theif and i love the way they built up dorian's past that's so cool

i think i was supposed to be able to pick up that yiga dude's sword tho and it glitched on me bc i was too fast :/

ugh i'm doing this oen shrine puzzle where you have to mount a male deer

and i finally mounted one after losing 10000 times and it was past some hills it wouldn't climb down

every time i find one thats close enough they fucking bolt im so fed up :|

and my sheikah sensor isn't picking up any more so i must have literally scared away all of them. fantastic. what a huge waste of time!! guess i will go somewhere else!

also can't solve the puzzle on how to open the shrine at veiled falls so im just batting a thousand today so much for sidequesting tbqh

FOUND A BLUE MANED LYNEL

SO MUCH NOPE

urgh and a blue hinox

exploring might not be worth my time either tbh

yeah no that's two shrines i haven't been able to open and this has stopped being fun, got one more ridge to explore before im done with this province - and some weird islands waaaay out there too but idk if i can get to them yet, and i'd just as soon wait until i unlocked the one next to them

yyyeah looking at them from here it makes much more sense to explore them when i get to that province

at least im all done with this one!! still plenty of sidequests and stuff, but those i can come back t more easily...it's harder to remember which terrain i have and haven't covered when i don't do it like this

i was thinking about how big the divine beast was when i saw it in the distance and

this sounds nuts but i bet im right - what if that flying island thing is a divine beast. WHAT IF

and that is The Day's Liveblog, more tomorrow, except probably not much bc of stream

#personal #loz liveblogging #botw spoilers #SUPER SPOILERS

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survivorjordanpines · 7 years ago

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Episode 3: We Need to Start Getting Rid of the Extras - Cole

I hate the music video challenge. Other than that, I feel indifferent towards the people who got voted out. I wonder if Kage found anything in the isle of pines though. I would be happy if he did.

why is this going easier than expected? theres gon be a swap soon huh...jp would fuck me up like this s/o to my fave liam and andreas

I hate these challenges. I don't like being on camera but when you know half your tribe probably doesn't want to participate, you don't really have a choice. I think we're going to do Trouble - Pink, my suggestion, and I'm super hyped about that because I love Pink. We love feminist icons on a tribe that is like 60% men. There's no way to do an all girls alliance with just me, LA, Karen, and Regan. 60-40 aren't great odds.

nick saying he talked and had a social game when he only started talking 4 hours before tribal because jack warned him he was being voted plus I think queen pippa and Allison will win the redemption comp over nick nick only stayed cause mat summers was inactive lol

Kage is playing hard really early, but that's good for me. He can be my shield while I stand behind him. Honestly, his reads on the game are useful for gathering information and he seems willing to be my ride-or-die. I find that this is extremely favorable. However, I also want to work with Charlotte and LA. They seem like a good trio for me to attach myself too. I do not want to pick between them so I hope that I can continue working with all three of them as the future progresses.

Music video challenges are a nightmare. I feel like a mother trying to get her kids ready for school and one kid is in the bathroom taking forever, another won't eat his cheerios, one is still in bed, and the other two have mysteriously vanished. We are losing this challenge. There's no way around it. Which means, we'll have to pick someone who was the least helpful to send to the Oasis. I love rewarding flops. Kage said that he would try to get people to agree to send me which is cool, don't get me wrong, but like - why me? Let's not put a target on my back quite so early, thank you! But on the plus side, I decorated my co-workers desk with Crab!Jordan pictures and that amused me for about 16 minutes.

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh music videos make me want to die lmao

AHHHHHHHHHHH I hope we win again becasue how funny is it that we are the hate jordan pines tribe and we stay the longest

I like my tribe. I am aligned with everyone. If we lose I will be upset for 2 reasons: I will have to vote out an ally and this is the best music video in TS history so it should win

Well so far the game is going really well for me!! I think I have a lot of loyal allies and I hope we don't go to tribal for the third time in a row because I pretty much want everyone on my tribe to stay in the game as long as possible. We need to start getting rid of the extras that were aka the other two tribes.... Like offense but like they aren't stars so like go hunny thank you being a place holder, you are excused.

Challenge is due in 8 hours and 45 minutes. Guess how many people have filmed stuff for the video? Yes , you guessed it... the answer is ONE. I'm voting for myself because no one else deserves it. I destroyed my kitchen for this challenge. I threw a chair, there are ripped pictures of Jordan Pines everywhere, and I took down a painting. THAT is dedication. WHEN WILL YOUR FAVE EVER?

At this point in the game I almost want to go to Tribal that’s why I’m not helping with the video. I want to go to tribal to test our alliance and pick off Regan or Adam. Regan because she is messy af and Adam because he has too many ties with the icons tribe. I hope we flop in this challenge. Also, I told the wrong clue to my alliance so let’s hope that doesn’t backfire. It won’t for this vote anyway and hopefully I get to go back to the Isles Of The Pines so I can retrieve MY idol.

THESE PEOPLE GIVE ME SEVERE ANXIETY YOU HAVE NO IDEA

I hope we win, the video jessica made was SO good! we'll find out soon and I'm just a bundle of nerves right now!

Pippa was voted out, so despite her best efforts she still fell short! However she did win the redemption island duel, so shes still in! Our tribe did the challenge in one day and looking at the criteria I fully expect us to lose. Like 100%. So thats gonna finally cause some ~tension~. Everyone is active on our tribe. But if we go with the alliance of 6 we formed, either Cole or Casey would go. Personally i'd rather we just win and neither goes but someone has to go and its rather shitty.

[2017-11-21, 10:52:45 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): OUR VIDEO IS TERRIBLE [2017-11-21, 10:52:47 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): I WANNA DIE [2017-11-21, 10:55:27 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: I'm scared to watch [2017-11-21, 10:55:47 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): don’t do it [2017-11-21, 10:55:53 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: Okay lol [2017-11-21, 10:55:59 PM] Jordan Pines: make a confessional about it :) [2017-11-21, 10:56:03 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): Kage didn’t mute our video files [2017-11-21, 10:56:09 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): So it’s a disaster [2017-11-21, 10:56:13 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: HEGDVEBSHDJEJ [2017-11-21, 10:56:15 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): A DISASTER [2017-11-21, 10:56:19 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: THATS SO BASIC [2017-11-21, 10:56:22 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): LORI ITS JUST YOU AND ME [2017-11-21, 10:56:23 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: JFC [2017-11-21, 10:56:28 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: I'M DONE [2017-11-21, 10:56:31 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): WE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE IN IT [2017-11-21, 10:56:34 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: MED EVAC [2017-11-21, 10:56:37 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): and there’s ugly effects [2017-11-21, 10:56:43 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): Jordan can we mutiny [2017-11-21, 10:56:49 PM] Jordan Pines: nope :) [2017-11-21, 10:56:49 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: WE OUT [2017-11-21, 10:56:55 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): Okay well we’re out [2017-11-21, 10:57:02 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): Med Evac please [2017-11-21, 10:57:08 PM] Jordan Pines: :) [2017-11-21, 10:57:46 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: I need to go [2017-11-21, 10:57:57 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: I'm not watching that video [2017-11-21, 10:58:00 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: Lol [2017-11-21, 11:01:43 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): I couldn’t watch the whole thing [2017-11-21, 11:02:16 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): If either you, kage, or I gets voted out I’m done with this community lmao [2017-11-21, 11:02:19 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): FLOPS [2017-11-21, 11:02:33 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: MOOD [2017-11-21, 11:03:14 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: I need kage to delete that asap [2017-11-21, 11:03:37 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: I still cant bring myself to watch [2017-11-21, 11:08:20 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): Honestly me [2017-11-21, 11:08:24 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): I want it GONE [2017-11-21, 11:08:30 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): BURN IT WITH FIRE [2017-11-21, 11:12:48 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: RIP [2017-11-21, 11:30:09 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): so [2017-11-21, 11:30:11 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): you can hear you singing [2017-11-21, 11:30:24 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): bc kage used our backing as the music track [2017-11-21, 11:30:29 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): i want to fucking choke [2017-11-21, 11:30:37 PM] LA {Themyscira Host}: I can't believe ts jordan pines made me quit orgs [2017-11-21, 11:30:43 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): ME AS FUCK

Going to our first tribal will be rough, but I feel confident in my alliance. I will certainly not be the one going. Jaiden threw out Regan's name and I'm down with that. She seems to have the best chance of getting Pippa out of redemption and having an Senip come back will provide us with numbers.

Hello I just got added to two alliances with regan. One with David and one with gage. And listen I love regan but I cannot be snatcht for being in 10 alliances bc she thinks I get along with all these people 😩. But honestly if I were to work with anyone on this tribe it'd be regan David and gage so we'll see how this goes. I'm also talkin to charlotte so I'll see what she's thinking vote wise. I'll prob talk to other ppl

I can't fucking believe this tribe. Actually, no, that's a lie... I can believe this tribe because they're all a bunch of flops. I don't care that you were working, or that you had school. LA and I both work, she had school, and we still managed to put together a THREE FUCKING MINUTE VIDEO to contribute to this tribe. Effort isn't hard. Honestly this challenge would have taken less than five minutes. But I'll play nice, I was only a little shady in the tribe chat. me: kage and LA the true MVPS me: the rest of ya’ll… no shade no tea but :| I would copy receipts but Skype for Web sucks. TAKES UR EXCUSES AND SHOVE EM CUZ I DONT WANNA HEAR IT. I WILL CARRY YOUR SORRY ASSES ON MY BACK IF I HAVE TO. WE'RE NOT LOSING AGAIN. Tonight the Icons Only tribe wants to vote for Regan. I don't have a problem with Regan, other than she can be a little extra, but David said that she's the person he talks to the most. Selfishly, I want her gone so that I can be the person David talks to most. I like David, he's cool. I would love to have an alliance with David and Adam. Me? Aligning with everyone on my tribe? More likely than you'd think.

Jack may be cute as hell like the rest of our tribe but he's really rustling my jimmies with this vote. Stop dragging Liam around like a dog, it's not cute and it's not gonna keep you in this game. Liam deserves better, end Liam hate 2k17. Also Sarah is an actual legend queen of spilling tea.

Kage is messy. Betray me and I'll slit your throat and bathe in your blood

JK he's a child I take that back. BUT MOM IS NOT IMPRESSED. GO TO YOUR ROOM.

so Jack is making liam do all his dirty work wanting to get Madison out having got nick out and all well he is gone i guess

I hope I am not getting voted out. This alliance should carry me to victory though.

anyway so I left off with an alliance with gage and regan and david and regan, then I added david and la to the chat with gage anyway so we agreed on raf. and then Jaiden is like don't vote for me, and that he said that the names he heard were regan kage raf and himself. so anyway david and regan call me and I'm like what the fuck is going on in here on this day and they tell me that theres an alliance that kage made with kage la gage charlotte raf and Jaiden but like gage told me that kage ratted out his own alliance???/ anyway so Jaiden keeps thinking the vote is switching between kage and regan and raf and like .....I don't wanna vote reg so like rn I'm in the process of trying to get gage and la to flip to raf or maybe get reg to vote for kage, so it may be 4-4-1 or 5-4. and like gage and la are basically the swing votes and I'm like like yall literally trust me the most so just vote with me???? like by fucking me over and voting regan theyre gonna fuck themselves over. anyway so like I'm scared kage might have an idol??? and that's my main issue with voting for him like a split would be hard to do rn so that why I wanna vote for raf at this point

First tribals are suppose to be easy but NOT THIS ONE. I don't know what's happening in this game, i just know I'm suddenly in the middle of two alliances. I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP MY WAY THROUGH THIS. i wanna work with karen but she doesn't wanna vote regan but the other alliance wants to vote regan so i'm gonna pissed off one side if me and gage can't flip to someone else. honestly, i'm trying to keep karen happy and build this relationship with gage cause i need people. at some point its gonna be me and char going for each other and i need to have allies i can depend on. AND WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T MUTE THE AUDIO TRACK AND REPLACE IT WITH THE SONG WHEN EDITING A MUSIC VIDEO?!!?

Honestly this tribe is a mess. Kage and jaiden are messes. And I'm a mess and the most paranoid person ever. Actually that might be jaiden but he's a smart kind of paranoid.

LA wants to vote out Kage. Bitch, so do I, but how many times do I have to say - WE DON'T HAVE THE NUMBERS. Girl, tribal is in 22 minutes. Sit down!

Me being in the majority for the first vote? What is this feeling??? This feels.....too good to be true. So much shit went down and so many names were thrown around and I expected to go too. But thank my lucky stars that didnt happen. Going forward I think I cant trust Regan and Karen and even possibly gage but everyone else IDK!!!!!

I guess I'm the fool. Oh well. Not like it matters.

#supportyourlocaljordanpines

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ts-nightingaleislands · 5 years ago

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Episode #1- “I AM ONE OF THE TWO OLD LADIES OF THIS SEASON AND I’M ONLY 29!!”- Gwen

Here is what I wanna say before the game even starts: I want to be the villain of this season. I wanna piss people off, stab people in the back, and do whatever I can to ruin other people's games. In all honesty, I don't really care about winning or not, as long as I have fun while doing it. The goal is to be like Russel Hantz or Tyson. I picked Tommy as my icon for the irony, because everyone else will associate me with his kindness before I stab them in the back.

I'm looking forward to this game! So glad it's with a bunch of newbies, I was worried it'd end up being a half and half deal and that's the format I've been completely fucked over by in the past, so fingers crossed without jinxing myself I can thrive here! I'll do a proper cast assessment of my tribe in the morning when I've spoken to more people and gotten a better feel for them, but I already love Gwen and she's definitely somebody I can see myself working with. I need to rewatch the introductions as well since there's so many videos.. obviously missed the memo about that myself oops!

feeling really good on day one so far. the tribe seem great and im already keeping my eye out for a few i wanna work with . we wil just see what happens after the immunity challenge .

I don’t even know yet. Kinda hard to judge who is friends with who. i’m supposed to ge your tawni for my idol thing but that’s not gonna happen bc she’s the only one i KNOW

Sweet fishsticks on ice, what a night! I talked to everyone on the tribe and they are awesome! My goal is to use today to try and get to know everyone more and make them comfortable. I'd say ai definitely do vibe with a few people, namely Gwen, AnnMarie, Rizo, and Liam but I like to keep my options like the oceans- open

Something funny took place! I talked to Gwen who said she wanted to work with essentially me, Rizo, AnnMarie, Sara, and Liam. No more than 2-3 minutes after, Rizo messages me with more sorta the same proposal. Dont get me wrong I am for this, but I will say it was pretty telling to me of the ones I may have to keep my eyes on!

Marooning Night: Everything’s looking solid so far. Tribe seems to be shaping up nicely and I’m making some good connections with people. Hopefully we can be competitive in challenges. I’ve connected with AnnMarie through band, Sara through zwooper, Rizo through sports, and Tim right off the bat through not mowing what we were doing :) I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to Kyle yet, but from his video I gleaned that we are both big husker fans and that we were both at the Nebraska Iowa game, so there should be a good connection there. There is one thing that makes me a little nervous though. I looked through the cast reveal and I am the youngest person on the cast. I know that’s doomed the game of some survivor players, and I’m not sure how much that will affect this game. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Well I love everyone. So friendly! I have a lot in common with everyone and it's so exciting. I enjoyed meeting everyone, but the game part of the game came quickly behind. It seems that a group is developing with me, rizo, liam, chris, and gwen. I'm glad that Ive already been pulled into a group, it makes me feel comfortable. But I have to be careful. It is only the first round. I'm worried about my inactivity and that affecting challenges. I gotta wakeup at 5 am for school, so going to bed at midnight may not be the best. Hopefully no one notices.

Morning Day 1: What the hell. You’ve got to be kidding me. This sucks. Why does this have to be the twist in my first season. We have to get THREE players voted out of the game before we can get an idol, and then if we keep playing them right we can get up to three straight. We got our target list, and of course, I got AnnMarie, Tim and Sara. Three of the people I’ve connected with the most and wanted to work with. And now, in order to have a chance at the first idol(s), all three of them have to be voted out. I don’t think I’m going to try for that idol very hard, at least not until we get new target lists, cause I want to work with those people.

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Right now I could see three possibilities for first boot. Cheatham and Zach haven't been that active, and then Will just makes me feel so uncomfortable that I sort of want to vote him out right now. But not in a "hey lets throw the challenge to vote him out" way bc he won't be playing so it might be unfair based solely on that. Austin is cool but a little inactive so far, he seems decidedly average. Tawny hasn't spoken to me yet :( but still she spoke a lot in our call so if I were to target her based off that it could only end poorly. Noah is cool, I get the feeling he is going to overplay tremendously, so maybe I'd like to have him as my number one. Amy and Dylan are great as well, and I would also love to work with them if I can. Ideal alliance so far would be me, Amy, Austin, Dylan, Noah so far. But only if I'm not the guy who organizes it singlehandedly

What’s on my right now is that I am very comfortable with where I am in the game, I have already made connections with a few people and I am very confident I will be staying in this game for a while. To talk about this twist let me quote Debbie and say “AND IM PISSED” I can’t even do this twist because I’m working with somebody on my list and I don’t want them gone.

What’s on my mind is that The Cock Destroyer alliance will hopefully run the tribe, my main objective is to not get the weak people gone first since I wanna drag them alone like a sack of meet so one of my main targets for now is Dylan because I’m gonna be honest I don’t trust the guy and he gotta go, PERIOD!

Noah/Amy/Dylan/Zach/me alliance sounds fun lets do it Will/Austin/Tawni all have decent connections just not with me Cheatham is looking like a first boot candidate rn bc no one's mentioning him as someone they like, so hopefully I'll be ok for at least one tribal if we lose the challenge

Holy guacamole, I went from feeling like we were Hopeless in Seattle to being D2 the Mighty Ducks. Being able to find the right door first is a huge relief but I have to gio my hat off to my entire tribe because we make a great team and Gwen rocked this!

So it's been less than 24 hours and I've spoken to everyone. Right now, I just want to get everyone to like me because that will make them want to work with me. My targets are Will, Dylan and Cheatham. Right now, I just want to isolate them, or form a majority alliance without them, because that will make my game much easier.

Uh oh. Since I have high school I wasn't able to be active all day for this (kinda confusing) challenge. I'm really hoping that this isn't going to put too big of a target on my back. My target right now is Dylan. He's one of my targets, and I'm pretty sure I'm one of his, judging by the fact that he never responded to me when I said I wanted to work with him.

Alliance time! I just made an alliance with everyone except the 3 on my target list. This is exactly how I planned. I think I redeemed myself after not really doing much in the challenge, and I'm already playing harder than the others. The fact that I created the alliance will make the people in it feel good too because now they will think I really trust them. Anyway, if all goes to plan we can eliminate one of my three targets (Cheatham, Will, Dylan) and slowly get each of them out until I get my idol.

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So the alliance is me, Will, Vincent, Amy, Austin and Tawni. I got Amy to give one of the other three as a name so I didn't have to seem too vocal, and she said Cheatham which makes me home that he is gone first. But unless plans change, I'll have 1/3 targets gone, leaving Will and Dylan as my next 2 to go. I'm sorry, but this is just lining up way too easily for me.

I am so happy we won! Man talk about comeback! I think this is going to help push stuff in the right directions for sure! Rizo and I may have a pair going on but we're talking about creating a 4some (me, him, Gwen, and Sara) and maybe that can lead to a majority chat with the others. I do know I want to keep my options open without forgetting the opportunities that will soon be closed

I’m a little pissed off, so my plan was to get rid of Dylan but my so called alliance memebers are like DONT VOTEEEE DYLANNNWNWNWN, because Zach decided to think he was being clever by trying to make an alliance which excluded me but little does his tiny brain know that his ass is grass and he’s going to be waddling out of tribal. Noah said why do I wanna make big moves round 1 and simply I just wanted Dylan out because I have a big feeling he’s untrustworthy PERIOD.

I feel like as it’s the first round I’ll do a little mini tribe assessment. cheatham - only one I know coming into this so obviously gonna stick with him. Noah - he’s more cracked than the love child of JJ and Keaton Dylan - seems like cool people. I enjoy a fellow Texan Vincent - who? Amy - sweet gal Will - I enjoy the accent Austin - I also enjoy the accent. I feel at home. Hate the name. It’s my ex’s name. Both of them Back to Noah - also hate the name. Name of a fuck boy from earlier this year. Zach - WHO!? Apparently cause I was like who am I forgetting. Apparently Zach. Ok but wtf is up with the “Solid Six” tf??? Making an alliance out of panic maybe? Also....cheatham thinking calling Noah sane makes it true or something??? Like honestly wtf is even going on. Like what is this fucking twist? What what that challenge and WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE MAKING THINGS DIFFICULT ON THE FIRST VOTE JUST GET THE PERSON WHO DIDNT CONTRIBUTE TO THE CHALLENGE (so I’ve been told. Let’s be real here I still don’t understand it and I just consented my life and first born away) AND MOVE THE FUCK ON AND WIN THE NEXT ONE PLEASE BECAUSE THEY ARE A BUNCH OF PARANOID FREAKS! Hi I’m tawni and welcome to stonerverse. I’m sorry I wrote that but I’m keeping it in here.

ok so we lost despite my best efforts >:( (i like writing cfs bc skype won't turn my emojis ugly here, the fact that I can read them more easily post-season is merely a bonus) The consensus is to vote out Zach, because he is easily the least active. He was the last person to really show up, still barely talked to anyone (aside from me apparently), and didn't contribute to the challenge at all. Now, I firmly believe that out of everyone in the game, Zach trusts me the most. So in a way, it would be beneficial to keep him. However, doing that would unfortunately sever my ties with other potential allies who are more likely to be useful to me, such as Noah or Austin. I did briefly try to campaign for Will leaving, and I am very sure that I could pull off a 5-4 blindside with Zach, Dylan, Noah, and maybe Amy, but that would be quite messy. Austin and Cheatham are set on the Zach train, and I have 0 relationship with Tawni, so going for those votes is unrealistic. And to be honest, the whole thing doesn't necessarily paint me in the best light, and it puts me in the spotlight I want to avoid right now. Amy - she's a good ally so far and i like talking to her, and it doesn't even seem like she's that active which doesn't make her as dangerous as some of the other players on this tribe. definitely someone worth raising hell to save. Austin - he's cool, we're together, he's active, but he's impossible to read. i cant tell if hes going to be a major flop or a major threat, this guy is going to be fun to play with, and i am 95% sure that if i'm voted out, he'll have had something to do with it. Cheatham - he's certainly an interesting character. he is quite active, which will serve him well, but i'm not feeling as if he's going to be a top contender. Dylan - he's one of my favourite people to talk to, but i've heard several people mentioning him as someone they like, so I'll need to make sure that I don't under-estimate him. Noah - I said a few hours in (in my thread) that Noah would be an amazing ally, and so far it's looking like he's my number one. I haven't lied to him at all (even by omission), and I hope we can keep this up right until I take him out at the final 5 >:) (lmao i'm not merging why should i be planning my endgame) Tawni - declaring right now she is the most dangerous player on my tribe. would be a great vote if will/zach weren't on my tribe and if she wasn't so well-connected otherwise. Will - he isn't talking to me anymore, out of everyone in the tribe he would help my game the least. also, we'd had a bit of a weird conversation earlier which I really didn't like so idk if I'd be ok working with him. Zach - voted out, no one can have an idol so i won't be 1-0'd

um, my tribe is really cool. I like everyone, hopefully we win more

Who knew these ORGs could be so fun? Probably everyone reading this. But seriously, I am having a blast so far. Ok, so a few things before I get to my thoughts on my tribemates: 1. Before reading on, be aware that anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt. I apologize for my dry sense of humor and my ego in advance. 2. I AM ONE OF THE TWO OLD LADIES OF THIS SEASON AND I’M ONLY 29!! 3. You should know that I am very competitive. And I like to be in control. It is going to be really hard for me to take my foot off the gas pedal sometimes! I cannot tell you how difficult it was to leave my tribe for an hour and a half this morning for a meeting for work and have them continue the immunity challenge without me. I put together a spreadsheet and updated it as we took our turns. I was also the one to dictate our moves most of the time. The hosts were very particular about the format of our moves, down to the spaces and punctuation. I did not want anyone to send an incorrect response without me checking it first. But when I had to go into a work meeting, I had to let it go. They were successful without me (after my extensive and thorough coaching of course). They appear to be capable human beings (insert laughing emoji here). 4. One thing that I am not telling the rest of the castaways is the exact nature of my job. Luckily, my official job title is “Case Manager,” so I can get away with seeming way less awesome than I actually am. They know that I work with kids with autism. But what I am leaving out is that I supervise ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) programs. I am planning to sit for my board certification exam next year. (Fingers crossed!!) I develop and monitor behavior intervention programs, as well as train staff and caregivers in how to implement the principles of ABA. Yes, my job involves analyzing and modifying the behavior of kids with autism, but behavior is behavior regardless of about whom you are talking. The basic principles of behavior still apply…defining, predicting, and ultimately modifying the behavior of others through manipulation of environmental variables that either reinforce or punish specific behaviors. I could go into more, but I won’t now. Maybe in some future confessional I will give some specific examples. Look at me applying my work to my “personal life” 5. I am in one “official” alliance, meaning we have a separate group chat – it is called the Sunt Pack. It consists of Rizo, Sara, and me. We are all Sam Hunt fans, hence the “Sunt Pack.” The following points are about my fellow tribemates. I’m glad I waited until today to share my opinions, because they have definitely changed since we competed in the immunity challenge! 6. AnnMarie – Very sweet high school girl. I am in an unofficial alliance with her and Sara that Sara doesn’t know about yet called “CP” – Clarinet Pride. (EDIT – she knows about it now because I just made a group chat) AnnMarie currently plays clarinet in her school band and Sara and I played clarinet when we were in school. My only concern about AnnMarie is that she can’t have her phone on her during the school day. We were able to work around it in the challenge today, but I don’t know how this will affect future challenges; however, it might be beneficial later on when the game is individual. For now, I am trying to be a “mother” type figure to her…giving her advice about after graduating high school. I feel that we have bonded over this. 7. Chris – Awesome guy! He is in the unofficial majority alliance (that I hope is the only majority alliance haha) with AnnMarie, Liam, Sara, and Rizo. We’ve had some cool chats. I think we would get along well in real life. 8. Liam – The Dom to my Colin. Very cool chap. Wicked conversation – had a very riveting discussion about how accounting and philosophy majors are so similar. Clearly. But seriously. In the unofficial majority alliance. 9. Sara – my fellow OLD LADY. We have a lot in common because we are about the same age, and we graduated high school the same year. We also both like country music. Seemed kind of quiet when we did a group audio/video chat. SARA IS ON MY LIST OF PEOPLE TO GET OUT. As much as I love a fellow Grandma, I will figure out how to get her out of the game, if not by my hands directly. In the unofficial majority alliance. 10. Kyle – He was the last person that I talked to. I definitely had the wrong impression of him before our audio/video chat during the challenge. Seems like a pretty chill dude. Plus he has lots of adorable pets. But, HE IS ALSO ON MY LIST OF PEOPLE TO GET OUT! He seems pretty savy, so might not be the worst move near the end of the pre-merge. 11. Steven – Not much to say – haven’t talked to him very much in individual chat. Seems nice enough. I need to get to know him better, but HE IS ALSO ON MY LIST. So, whatevs. (In all seriousness though, I’m sure he is lovely and I would love to get to know him!!!!) 12. Rizo – My brother from another mother! Puns puns puns across the board! Dad jokes FTW. Need I say more? I need to make this gentleman my ride or die. And then slay him in the finals. Then be BFFs after. In the unofficial majority alliance. 13. Tim – He was another one that I think I was wrong about. I make one incorrect Harry Potter reference, trying to be all smart…BUT I think we bonded over the challenge. In the audio/video chat, we nerded out over our Survivor fandom and strategy for the challenge. So I may have been wrong about him. 14. Okay, this is long. Is that normal? I have no idea. I’m new to this. I am SO THANKFUL to now be a part of this community. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to be able to make a reference to a past season and have other people actually know what I am talking about. That’s all for now!

Coming into this game I honestly expected to know a few people..or have at least seen them around but I didn't (with the exception of Tawni but I don't know her well). I love that. When you start fresh, nobody can judge you based off previous experience. Observing and picking up things about strangers is literally one of the most fun aspects of games to me. I got the best vibes at the very beginning from Rizo/Gwen/Liam and also Tim...but could tell right from the get go that Gwen is a THREAT! Women's intuition. The comp just confirmed it further. I pray to the Survivor gods that others aren't blinded and realize this! I could tell before any alliance was even made that she was close with Chris too and probably closer with Rizo then I am. Being in 3 different alliances with her is inch resting. She's playing hard and to win! But anywayyyyys..had we lost, I figured Steven might be an easy first boot because he was just rather quiet and kept to himself...but then he SHOWED UP at the end of that comp and finally started initiating Convo with me and not the other way around. So when we lose..whos an easy vote? Idk. Pretty sure the answer is nobody! And then there's Kyle.... I didn't really give him a second thought until we went on group call and then played in the comp. He's just so chill and laid back and those are the people I like working with. I don't like pushy players and I don't like sheep and he's neither of those so I'm hoping that we can stick together for a long while. He's also fun to hassle so. Yeah um...this confessional is getting really long so I'll stop ranting for a while...though I have plenty to say. *Giggle*

so zach thinks he has a solid six alliance but....that's not gonna happen sweetie. he is such a easy target and one of the three on my list so ya gotta go. :)

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Zach LITERally went to everyone in the house day 1 and asked to work with them after 2 words to eachother. Since i wasn’t buying it, we made an alliance called Solid Six 😳🤢 and he wants me out. Newsflash bitch, i made and alliance and everyone wants HIM out. The Sanes Ones about to win the season. I knew Tawni before this. Noah is a little crackhead-y but I think he is loyal to me. Dylan is such a sweetheart and i love him. And Amy... well... she plays pokemon?ANYWAYS, can’t wait for my first survivor tribal EVER

Going into tribal tonight I have no worries at all, I’m sitting comfortable in The Cock Destroyers alliance and we will be running the game until a tribe swap or until we merge. To the elimination tonight I don’t really want Zach to go since in my eyes he’s Gypsy Rose aka helpless in this game. Something else I’ve noticed there is a lot of gay guys on this tribe and I have one thing to say Only One Faggot Will Win and that me 😘

We are about to head in to tribal and honestly, there hasn't been much gameplay going on. I am voting for Cheatham because he is one of my three targets, and he hasn't spoken a single word to me about working with me. Of course there is a chance that I am just oblivious to everyone else and that I am going home, but I really hope that's not the case.

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8 votes Zach, 1 vote Cheatham.

#announcement

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infernumequinomin · 6 years ago

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Hi there... I’m sorry if this is too personal, but I saw your recent post mentioning that menstrual cups are such a lifesaver, and for the most part I agree, but it seems like I can never get the position right and it still leaks often... do you have any advice beyond the directions that come with the cup? Again, I’m sorry if this is too invasive to ask, you don’t have to respond if you’re uncomfortable with it. ;;;;

Yeah absolutely not a problem my friend menstrual cups can have kind of a learning curve!My tips and such are gonna be geared pretty primarily towards reusable menstrual cups and not the disposable kind because I just havent ever used them. Also pardon the lack of ref images or anything am on mobile.

Cup Hacks:

If you are having consistent leaks you maybe don’t have a big enough cup, this was my first issue because I used to use the much smaller tampons when I used them then was leaking like nuts, no fun. Get a bigger sized cup (Diva Cup does a small-medium and a large, I used to use a slim tampon and heavy duty pad and need to use the large cup, MoonCups I have been told are slightly larger, so your sizing may vary) If the leaks are kind of sporadic then you may be having some issues getting the cup seating and sealed properly.

Inserting tips, a lot of the guides say to insert the cup kind of folded in half on itself, this can sometimes keep the cup from springing back into shape in the way you need it to upon insertion. I tend to dip the edge into the rounded portion of the cup in a sort of U shape rather than a folded over sandwich shape (I literally can't think of another way to describe this pardon my brain) because it retains its shape on insertion better. When you insert the guide is like “hey shove that bad boy allllll the way up to your cervix” its actually easier to get a solid seal by getting the cup into yourself and then gently pushing up and tilting the opening of the cup towards your bellybutton region. This allows the cup to settle out into being open again and pressing it up after prevents weird suction directly on your cervix which can cause cramps to worsen, can be concerning for folx with IUDs, and is generally not super comfy overall, do not recommend.So simple layman’s instruction: dip one edge of the cup into the center of the cup and squeeze it to hold in place. Insert into your vagina until just the edge of the cup is sitting in your opening, twist and adjust as needed to get the cup to open back up if releasing it did not already. Push the cup into yourself in a sort of parallel to your vagina angle, aiming the opening of the cup up towards your cervix. Wipe any excess blood from your parts, there may be light spotting on heavier days just from blood that was shed while cleaning/emptying your cup so maybe also wear a light pantiliner. If youre noticing more than like a teaspoon of blood on your pantiliner in a few hours, you may not have seated the cup correctly, or you’re bleeding more than the cup can handle and should empty it. A good sign youve not got the suction youre looking for is If you empty the cup and its only slightly full but you've been spotting, the seal isnt good and ya need to adjust. ALSO, sometimes specific strenuous activity like running, riding roller coasters or horses, and swimming can mess up your seal a bit, and you should adjust accordingly.

Removing/cleaning your menstrual cup:Hey that things WAY up there now, how ya gonna get it out? Sittin on a toilet with some leg spread is generally enough for the cup to lower itself towards your entrance, you shouldn’t really have to go fishing for it unless it is way too small for your bod. I’ve had to reach maybe a half inch at most but generally a soft push like youre trying to make yourself pee is enough to force it lower and make it easier to grab. (FUN TIP: PEE BEFORE TRYING THIS SO YOU DONT PEE ON YOUR DANG HAND) Use a bit of toilet paper to reduce grossness factor a bit, grab the ridges or tail on the cup and GENTLY lower it out. Pulling too fast makes one hell of a mess and I defo made that mistake of pulling it out like a tampon at first and had to frantically wipe down the toilet cause I got blood all over and honestly friends… It just isn't worth it. Be gentle. Cradle it and empty it backwards towards your butt to avoid potential UTI issues and then pull it out of your crotch/toilet area. (I’m not actually sure what the rate of UTIs among folx who use a cup are but I know I havent had one since I started using mine but be safe either way!)

In any given bathroom, public or private, ya got a couple options for cleaning the thing out. If you have a sink close enough to where your toilet is, a little rinse in generally fine if you’re reinserting it immediately, and you can use soap if you want it to be a little more sanitary (I recommend this unless youre getting rushed out the door by your girlfriend to go get burgers). You can also, if sinks are out of reach or just gonna cause you to hobble your way over with your pants around your ankle (don’t do this, its not worth the potential for drippage since you just opened the floodgates so to speak), do a wipe down with some tp or a damp paper towel if you remember to do that when you walk into the bathroom like a person better than me would. I generally ball up a little bit of tp, slide it inside, give everything a good wipe down, and then flush the evidence away (don’t flush that paper towel though, rude). This is honestly not preferred for me, I’d rather rinse it every time, but you really never know if youre gonna have to empty your cup in a public stall bathroom so, ces la vie, gotta live your life.

Cup comparisons:

I used to use 2-3 overnight or super pads a day for the heaviest days of my flow (which was generally the 3-4 days in the middle of my gottdang 7 day period). With my cup I generally use 1 or 2 pantiliners a day on heavy days, none at the beginning of my period or towards the end when I’m lighter, and maybe a regular pad overnight if I’m especially heavy, so I am still occasionally wearing a few disposable items but honestly, a pantiliner is a game changer from wearing big heavy overnight pads to WORK ugh. On average I personally wear my cup for 4-6 hours before emptying it, longer towards the beginning and end of my period, but usually don’t wear it for longer than 10 hours at a time. This is my experience and I honest to god dont know if TSS is a thing that can happen with a cup, but listen to your body and if you start feeling sick at all, definitely remove it and wear a pad for a bit. You can defo use a cup with reusable pads but I dont own any and haven’t really looked at the literature on whether they’re better/worse bacterial infection or whatever wise so I can’t give a good recommendation despite a few folx I know having good experiences with them.

Care and cleaning: I generally wash my cup with a mild vinegar and water solution right after my period ends, this cuts down a lot on bacteria growth and the general funk that a cup can get over time. Its medical grade silicone but its spending most of its time in a moist, nutrient rich environment for bacteria, and like, ngl, the thing is gonna just have a blood smell. It just is. Right after the first week you use it. Its gonna smell kinda weird. Faint, but kinda gross blood/general vagina smell. Nothing wrong with a little vagina smell. I soak my cup overnight after the initial wash in a combo of water and antibacterial soap, dry it, and put it away with my period junk. Once every few months you can do a boil out but you have to be careful not to let your cup melt on the bottom of the pot. Just a mix of water and vinegar (like ¼ cup vin to 2 to 3 cups water) boiled on the stove and drop the cup in there. Use a spoon to make sure it doesn’t touch the bottom and melt or warp, and stay with it. Maybe boil like 10 minutes or so and drain it out and set it somewhere to air dry that isn’t gonna freak out your roommates (don’t dry it with the dishes, big mistake) or have it sitting in water, the point is to let it dry out and breathe. Diva Cup says to replace your cup every year or something which I honestly think is a good way for them to make a crapton of money off people who are super scared of their hygiene being bad and gross or something. You should get rid of your cup around the time that the silicone starts to degrade or start looking rough. I kept my first Diva Cup for 3 years before it started to really show signs of wear and tear in the silicone. Signs your cup may need to hit the streets include: creases or crimps in the cup, persistent discoloration of the silicone (washing, soaking, boiling doesnt do anything and there’s just a grossness to the thing that washing it isn’t helping), a persistent musty sort of smell (this may imply you weren’t washing/caring for your cup as much as it needed and if you’re starting to get that a solid overnight to 2 day soak in a vinegar solution may help a lot. Do it as a 2 stage soak, soak, empty, soak again. Warm water works best and towel dry it off really really well after.) tearing in the silicone period! Its not gonna be effective if there’s a rip, especially on the rim cause that suction is what you want!, and if there are defects or scratches in the silicone overall. So bubbles, scratches, warping, ect.

Storing your cup in a clean, dry place is also important to keeping it from getting damaged or gross to the point you need to get rid of it.

Also, fun fact, you can have sex using a cup. It isn’t a replacement for birth control if that’s a thing you need, but it can make the uncomfortable oozing parts of period sex less… Oozy. PIV Intercourse can be a bit more of a challenge with a silicone cup because of the tail but is definitely possible. Other sex acts (outercourse, oral, frotting) are a lot easier (or even possible depending on your partners feelings on period sex at all) and due to the way self lubrication works in a vagina the cup wont prevent things from getting wet, just keep the blood from making everything a vaguely pink mess.

Anyway so that’s my essay on menstrual cups, I hope this helps ya out with loving your cup and makes it a lot easier to prevent leaks!

Go out and live your fullest life!

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