#they don’t fit my waist so i’m gaining weight so they fit better :3 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 1 year ago

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SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2023 Having another tired day for a couple of reasons. One is that I just kept waking up and the other is my own dumb fault for turning off the sound machine when I thought I was getting up but wasn’t. Toni or someone around here must have been doing something because a bang woke me up. Tom heard it too but wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I’m guessing Toni was doing something in her carport or maybe even going into her storeroom. These houses are so damn close. Like closer than any other house I’ve ever lived in before.

Ended up taking a nap and that helped perk me up a bit. Not going to be doing much tonight other than writing and hitting the road. Maybe I’ll even hit the vibration platform and paint or draw a bit. The platform is not going to reshape this big old body if I don’t do it enough. Love the way it pulls my waist in and makes my clothes fit better.

I’m still not sure I believe I’ll be able to handle this dose but I do have a couple of symptoms that I’m surprised to be noticing as much being under 10. For one I’m still pretty cold, and secondly, the scale is the biggest telltale sign. I’m still up a pound or two. That may simply be an age thing, though. Women gain weight in increments until they’re around 65. So, 7 more years of gaining if I’m really unlucky. I’m still going to try to back off the sweets as much as I can. Even if it doesn’t cause me to lose weight it would make it harder to gain more. I still don’t think I could ever stand to diet because even if I could get results, it still means going hungry for way too long. But yeah, I don’t feel like this dose is going to push my TSH too low. I still feel good physically and emotionally like I’m nowhere near the standard normal range. At least so far.

Watching a documentary called Audrie and Daisy on Netflix and damn! To know that some forms of sexual misconduct are considered a misdemeanor while what you write can be a felony depending on the color of the people involved is pretty damn despicable.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2023 Ugh, the bitch’s obnoxious boyfriend just roared out of here for the night after sitting there running and gunning the fucking motorcycle for a few minutes. I keep hoping someone will complain or they’ll break up, but people that age don’t usually break up. The bastard is here nearly every day that I’m surprised he doesn’t just move in.

And now for my shocking, wonderful, and somewhat concerning news. My TSH is 8.97! It shocked the shit out of me when I saw that. I really thought I was looking at the wrong results from a different date and had to go out and then back into where I was checking to make sure it was correct. Just then I got a message from a Galileo nurse confirming I really was an 8. My T4 is 1.3. I had no idea my TSH could drop that fast in just 3 weeks. That’s 8 points! This explains the increase in energy I’ve had lately.

So I’m surprised and I’m pleased but a little worried as it’s only been a couple of weeks since I stepped up to all 88s and it hasn’t fully accumulated in my body. I worry my TSH is going to end up being pushed too low. Like below 6 which seems to be my threshold. I told the doctors I thought maybe I should go back to taking 75 twice a week or at least once a week but they insisted I stick with all 88s and will check in with me in a week and revisit the idea of dose changes then if necessary. I agreed but I still don’t think I can handle this dose. It’s just a question of how many weeks it will take before the side effects get me. It’s going to take another 4 to 6 weeks for this dose to fully accumulate in my system.

Regardless, I’m glad my body finally got the hang of how to absorb the stuff without a gallbladder! I still think it had to do with that more than inconsistent dosing because again, that would be a hell of an inconsistency! I’ve never had that problem before where I increased my dose, however slight it may have been, just to have my TSH keep rising. For now, I’m just hoping to hell that no matter where the numbers end up, I don’t end up feeling like I’m on fire with an HR through the roof and my ass constantly on the toilet. I’m definitely waiting only a half hour instead of an hour before coffee! The endo said that would be fine, anyway. I’m glad I still have 75s left over in case I’m right and trouble inevitably erupts.

I messaged my endo through the portal which will take a few days to get a reply from, of course, and let her know I decided to pass on the Synthroid, the pharmacy she recommended doesn’t allow insurance, and that my TSH came down.

Galileo thinks I should still keep my appointment with her but said that if I didn’t feel comfortable with her, they could recommend someone else. I’m not sure that anyone else would necessarily be better so I’ll stick with this one for now. It will be interesting to see if she still insists on taking the Synthroid.

Got some flavored K-Cups today and next I’m waiting on a set of a dozen neon-colored metallic nail polishes. It’s the same set I had in California. Great colors, great quality.

We also got a new paper cutter which I wish we had every time I go to frame a diamond painting, among other things. This one should be easier to store and use because it’s not as big.

The only bad news I have today is that the fucking garbage truck woke me up. Yeah, they came in with the one that’s jet engine loud. Every time they do, I fear it’s going to become the norm. I do NOT want to go back to being woken up on trash days just like old times, and here it’s twice a week rather than once a week. So, because of it, I’m kind of tired tonight and not quite up to doing all I had planned to do. I wanted to do some more painting but I just don’t have the energy and I don’t think I’m going to get many miles on the road either. I’m between Saltillo and Monterey, Mexico right now. 2667 miles to go! I reckon the next challenge will be out soon so I’ll take a break from my trip to do that when it comes out. My rank is now in the 140s.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2023 I was quite stunned to learn that I slept through the loud mower the other day. So yeah, the “doghouse” was more or less a training thing to get me used to sleeping here and soon I should hopefully not need it. I don't want to take it down until after the honker returns and I sleep through his motorcycle and see if Ray stays quiet. The mower right outside the window is definitely louder than the motorcycle across the street so there's hope. There's no way I'm taking the soundproofing out of the windows, though, even if it means giving up having natural light in there in the daytime.

Went to the lab and totally regret requesting to go there because as soon as I messaged them yesterday the symptoms stopped. I should have given it a little more time because whenever it's connected to my TSH getting too low, the symptoms don't stop until I scale back the meds. I should have also had common sense to know that my TSH couldn't drop that fast. I'm sure by now I'm close to 20. :-(

Tom and I talked about it and we don't think Synthroid would make a difference and we both agree it's connected to the loss of my gallbladder. My gut feeling says so, the timing can't be a coincidence, and if it was a matter of inconsistent dosing, my numbers wouldn't be so extreme. The numbers may fluctuate a few points but they wouldn't keep going up and up and up so drastically, too. You're talking about going from 7 to almost 20.

The question is whether or not increasing my dose is the answer or if it'll work itself out on its own. We decided to wait and see what the numbers are and then decide where to go from there as far as what to do and what to take. I'm keeping the appointment with the endo for now but may cancel later on. I just don't know if I like or trust this doctor.

It was also ridiculous how I was the first appointment after lunch as even her nurse said, yet I had to wait over half an hour for her. After about 35-40 minutes of waiting, the nurse came in to ask how we were doing and I said that the wait was frustrating since it was right after lunch, and she said she would remind the doctor again that I was waiting. Well, I hate to say it but I kind of question any doctor that has to be reminded that she has a patient waiting for her.

I'm not going to do much with the treadmill and Bowflex at this time due to the weather but I'm going to do the vibe platform most days of the week, which is indoors where it's cool and dry.

I think I'll move out of my closet now and into the kitchen, even if it means listening to planes until midnight. I don't understand for the life of me why I can't get used to the damn things after nearly a decade of living with them. Why is it so damn annoying to me, even though it's not that loud and it's not the type of sound most people hate, like nails on a chalkboard?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2023 Okay, time to write about my visit with the endo yesterday, and I can’t say I was too impressed with her even though she did acknowledge that my personal normal could be higher than the standard range and that yes, the medication can cause anxiety.

She said she didn’t think the cholecystectomy was involved and that she thought it was a matter of inconsistent dosing because Levothyroxine is an off-brand despite the fact that medication sold in the US must be regulated. In other words, if I was getting blanks or at least partial blanks, you would think they would have picked up on that. But she said that with the off-brand, you never know how consistent it is or what country it was made in, etc.

Then she told us to contact a pharmacy (all the way in Lakeland) to get Synthroid which is the name brand and that they would work with our insurance company. However, when we went to the site, we found that Synthroid is the only thing they sold and they wouldn’t have anything to do with insurance. You had to pay out of pocket only. While we certainly can’t say anything for sure, it made us wonder if she was possibly getting kickbacks. Especially since we found we could get the stuff from Walgreens and pick it up in person for a little less.

She told me that taking a more consistent medication couldn’t crash my TSH down too low and tried to convince me - perhaps a little too adamantly - that we’re only talking about going from 15 to about 10. I asked my doctors for their opinion as to whether or not it could drop my TSH too low and they said there was no way to know but should be good all around. They also offered to test me sooner than 3 months from now if I wanted. The endo gave me an order to get tested in 3 months and I’ll see her again at the end of January unless I decide not to.

The endo also told me, when I asked to confirm that the fatty tumor on the end of my adrenal gland couldn’t be a problem, that an ultrasound couldn’t see that.

Then I did a little research and found that Synthroid shouldn’t be any better than Levothyroxine, Levoxil, and the other off-brands. They’re all supposed to be the same except that Synthroid doesn’t have any fillers, and I’m not allergic to fillers anyway. But I found that they should all work the same and effectively.

For the last few days, I’ve had the runs and didn’t think much of it. But then yesterday, I noticed that I’ve been feeling warm and my HR is on the rise, sometimes spiking to 120. I appreciate the pound I lost and the extra energy I’ve had these last few days but here’s what I think has been going on. I think the cholecystectomy did indeed affect thyroid absorption because as the GI doc said, it can take the body 4-6 months to adjust to life with no gallbladder. The timing is just too much of a coincidence. I think that now, however, it’s getting the hang of how to absorb the Levothyroxine without the gallbladder in the picture. Despite being a progressive disease, I can’t believe my thyroid would die off that much that fast.

So I’d like to get into the lab ASAP to see where I’m at. Again, I get that I don’t have the doctor’s training, but I have lived in this body for nearly 58 years and I know what’s normal for it and what’s not. I’m also not sure I want to switch to Synthroid or deal with this doctor. I just don’t trust in-person doctors as much as I trust my virtual docs, granted I understand that some things can’t be virtual like HIDA scans, etc. But I think my docs and I can manage this together. She told me if I had a problem to call the office and wait two business days to hear back from her but when you’re really feeling that bad, you don’t want to wait! The last time I took 88 every day when I still had a gallbladder, it dropped my TSH to a 2 which is much too low for me and I want to know if I’m heading back in that direction again, based on my symptoms. So that’s why I asked to take up their offer to go to the lab.

The nurse, who was the only one from here (receptionist sounded English and the doc was Indian), tested my blood sugar at 101 which was pretty good after eating.

Instead of “strangling” me to feel the thyroid, this one pinched my neck in 3 different places along the front and it didn’t tickle. I asked her if she felt I needed an ultrasound, and she said no, even though it’s been 9 years. So with all the doctors that have felt it over the years, I’d say that no, it’s not enlarged.

Just heard back from my doctor. Like I would ever hear back from my endo that fast! LOL. Anyway, they said they have no problem with repeat labs and were concerned with some of my symptoms, particularly the heart spike, and know I’ve had that problem before. They asked if I’d seen the cardiologist yet and as I told them, that and the echo is next month. I also said I don’t think my TSH is at 2 yet, but I worry I could be heading there. Plus, this dose where I take 88 every day isn’t fully ramped up in my system yet.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2023 On the road now to see my new endo so I’ll type and share this later as I’m writing in a paper journal at the moment.

Slept amazingly well and have amazing energy! For months I worried I wouldn’t make it or would be exhausted. Now I just have to hope this doctor isn’t a denier when it comes to levothyroxine and anxiety and that she doesn’t tell me she’s never heard of cholecystectomies and rising TSH levels.

Tom brought up a good point when he said he questioned the gallbladder connection because it was already so dead. I think there’s a connection, though. The timing can’t be a coincidence. Or can it? Besides, going from 17% to 0% is still something. Gastritis and thyroid cancer can also cause absorption issues but there’s no way I could have cancer. I’d have other symptoms if I did. Still, if I stick with her, I hope she wants to do an ultrasound because it’s been a while and I’m curious about that left nodule that showed up in 2014. I want to see if it’s enlarged at all and if Doc A was right with her arthritis diagnosis when it came to that “lump” I swear I felt.

Tom got his stitches out which he said hurt more than the procedure itself with all the pulling and pinching he felt.

Tried giving Tinkerbella a bath but she hated it and fought me all the way. Because she’s such a good rat, I thought she’d be okay and maybe even enjoy it since she loves her waterfall but nope.

Tom made a divider for one of the kitchen drawers with one long side and the other side split in half, and oh my God, does it help keep things so much more organized! Going to print dividers for my dresser drawers like we did in Cali.

There have been subtle hints of fall in the air that everyone but me is thrilled about but it was pretty hot today at 94 degrees. At least it will make outdoor walking more bearable when it’s a bit cooler as well as using the treadmill and Bowflex in the lanai when energy levels allow me to.

Made a small Temu order and got a couple more stencils and a couple of brushes with long handles. One for cleaning the rat’s cage shelves and the other for my big water cup. There are also these pieces of silicone shaped like credit cards I got for spreading paint.

Had a dream we lived next to Ray as we do in real life but he had a three-story house with lots of big windows and even a cellar. We headed out and saw he had lights on, even in the cellar, as we passed his place.

Then (I don’t know if this was part of the dream) we were in a large multi-story building with various shops in it. He was off somewhere in another store while I browsed through a boutique. I was on the top floor and there didn’t seem to be anyone else around. Suddenly, the lights went out and it was pitch dark. When I called out to see if anyone was around, I heard someone breathe or sniffle, so I knew someone was there. The fact that they wouldn’t answer me made me uneasy.

Through the dark, I managed to find the elevator. It opened into a long room that seemed like a waiting room of some kind. There was a row of chairs and a couch. The room was empty except for one young guy. He not only seemed happy to see me but to my surprise, he also seemed to like what he saw despite my age. I sat on the end of the couch to wait for Tom because I didn’t know where he could be.

Suddenly, I woke with a start, realizing I had fallen asleep. So had the guy who was seated much too close to me. I pushed away from him and stood up.

Not seeing Tom in the room, I started to worry and became determined to find him.

“I’ve got to find him,” I said reaching for a phone on a nearby table.

The guy, now awake, asked who “he” was. Before I answered, I wondered if telling him it was my husband would make him less interested in me or more determined to pester me.

I’ll cover my visit with the endo, which I finally had, in my next entry.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2023 Been too tired to write for days. Despite being exhausted yesterday, I managed to get to my ENT and we even stopped to eat afterward at Applebee’s. The doctor was an hour late but very nice. It’s even nicer to have my ear cleaned because it was really aggravating my TMJ.

Applebee’s was good, but not great. There was the usual loud music, but at least they were kind enough to turn it down a little. I had fried fish filets with a side of fries and broccoli. I was afraid to finish it, though, because I didn’t want the grease to make me sick. So I had to remind myself that I still don’t have a gallbladder.

We got out of there just in time because a group of five, including a young kid with a loud mouth, was seated next to us as we were finishing up. I don’t understand why they put everybody right smack next to each other, especially since the restaurant was mostly empty. I could feel their movements since their booth and mine were connected, and the kid was annoying.

About a week ago, I made the jump to all 88s but I’m still so hypo that I wonder if even the maximum dose could get my TSH under control.

The B-12 seemed to mess up my stomach so I dropped that to every other day. I don’t think I’m gonna get any more when it runs out because it doesn’t do anything for my energy levels any more than the Rhodiola rosea does. I’m going to hang on to that Rhodiola rosea, though, for the next time I get anxious. Maybe it will at least help with that, along with the hydroxyzine.

There weren’t enough diamonds in the diamond painting I’m finishing up, so we contacted the seller, but I don’t expect to get the missing diamonds. We’ll likely have to purchase extras.

We got the rat one of those waterfall bowls that dogs and cats like, and she absolutely loves it! It’s so cute watching her play with it. Definitely got to get some pics.

It may be just talk, but Musk is talking about charging everybody to use Twitter to combat bots. If he does, I’m gone! And if Facebook chooses to follow in his footsteps, I’m gone from there too. I’m not paying to use any kind of social media.

I created a new profile on Facebook (not in my name of course, since Facebook just has to suggest every account I create to my friends and not give me any privacy) and will use that account like I use Twitter. It might be even better because I have a much higher character limitation on Facebook. I just wish we had more voice-posting options available in more places. I mean, what the hell is taking so long?

Finished watching a limited series on Netflix set in Germany called Dear Child. Not bad.

Then I saw The Nurse, set in Denmark about a killer nurse. It was based on a true story. In the end, all of their coworkers turned against the nurse who flushed the killer nurse out.

Only in this world do people shun people for flushing out killers, but not the woman who race-carded people into jail for something they wrote simply because she is black. No, that woman, no matter how much she instigated and did things that were definitely illegal like tossing explicit letters in mailboxes, was to be pitied and sided with at all costs.

I’m now watching Lies and Deceit set in Spain.

I was also watching a documentary about a rape victim accused of falsely filing her claim of rape and how filing a false police report is a misdemeanor. Again, only in this world could there be places where that’s a misdemeanor while what you write on paper can be considered a felony.

Came across an old excerpt in my journal from an email my mother sent me back in the 90s regarding Termite Tammy. She said she understood my frustrations with her due to how much she lies and is a sympathy junkie. Even though it’s wrong for a parent to pit one kid against another, just the fact that her own mother could say that pretty much tells you something about that termite right there.

The more I think about it, the more I’m surprised the termite never got in trouble for Munchausen by proxy. You would think that if anyone was likely to harm their own kids just to get attention through them, it would be her. Hell, she’s given her daughter bloody lips and I actually saw with my own two eyes her knock Lisa off her feet as a toddler because she slapped her so hard.

Yet, despite the years of Lisa bitching to me about how horrible her mother and stepfather were, she chose them over the aunt who once cared. But they can all have each other as I decided 4 years ago because they’re all great for each other being carbon copies of each other.

Met with Helen on the 18th but all we talked about was what was going on at the moment. On the 4th it’ll be back on with the EMDR and wondering if she’s helping me in the end, or if I’ve been throwing money away.

In another weird and detailed dream, I was sitting at a desk in the kitchen with a window in front of it. The place looked nothing like this place and neither did the outside of it. Directly across from me, I could see a woman in her window. She was close enough to see my lips moving when I spoke my thoughts out loud. I then saw her lips move. Every time I spoke, she spoke. It was as if she could literally hear me as well as see me. I smiled, and then she smiled.

Then she headed over to our place to introduce herself. I laughed and said, “This is the strangest way I’ve ever met a neighbor before.”

I noticed she had long neon orange nails and complemented them. She then stepped into our place, and I told her we just moved in so it was a bit messy. Suddenly, she reacted as if a horrible smell hit her and she was about to get sick. Then she went into the bathroom.

As I waited for her to come out of the bathroom, something hit me… How the hell could the woman have seen me through the reflective tinting in the window?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2023 It’s nearly 5:00 in the morning and this rat has been asleep since I got up at 10:15. It’s like she thinks she’s a gerbil, LOL. Those are day rodents.

She was so cute and funny the other day. She was hanging around by my feet while I was cooking in the kitchen. Then Tom got up and went into the bathroom. She ran to the door all happy and excited. Because she has gotten a little bigger, it’s not as easy for her to shimmy under the door. But she finally decided she wanted to see him badly enough to squeeze under. It was adorable. Like a cat or a dog all excited to see its owner come home after being away at work all day.

Alyssa showed up in one of my many dreams last night. I love it when I dream of her even if they’re usually vague and even if she’s not too thrilled to see me. I don’t remember what it was about, though. Something about being at her place. I have a feeling I wasn’t exactly invited either, LOL.

Then I was happily chatting with a woman in person. We were lying on a blanket on the grass somewhere laughing and joking and I really enjoyed our conversation and hoped she would be a good friend for many years to come. So at least I did have one positive dream.

Next, we were going to be moving to New York of all places and I cringed at the thought of the cold and snow we’d be in for. I questioned in my mind whether or not it was the right thing to do but Tom insisted we would be better off there because we would make more money, not taking into consideration how expensive New York is.

Then I was exploring inside a luxurious multi-level mansion that some rich person owned. I guess I was barefoot because I marveled at how wonderful the lush, expensive high-quality carpet felt beneath my feet. Then I opened a huge glass door and realized that had I stepped forward I would have fallen many feet because there was no balcony or staircase leading down from it.

The only bad dream was Tom and I being on the run for something. I don’t know what we did but it must have been pretty serious because I believed we would never see each other again or be free if we were caught. I asked him if I would ever get another doll again (haha), wanting so desperately for any hint of optimism in his voice to suggest life could one day return to normal. I realized I would miss his reassuring ways and telling me everything would be okay along with so much more.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2023 I heard a little thump at 4:30 yesterday morning, checked the cam, and saw Ray throw a suitcase in his backseat and then take off. I wonder if he only came down because something was going on down here or if maybe he put his house up for sale and it sold quicker than expected and is going back to clean it out. Could be that the different vehicle he drove this time was actually a rental.

I’m still trying to figure out if Kim is just that stupid or she just doesn’t give a shit because she really doesn’t seem to have a clue what too much content means. First, she hit me with a long rambling message, as usual, barely 2 hours after I sent her a message and then I got a long rambling email filled with journal entries pretty much telling me the same things. Never once did she ask if it was too much or at least say she hoped it wasn’t. And everything is all about that fucking bigot Bob she works for! She’s as obsessed with him as she was with June. I’m not sure what gets more annoying, being asked the same questions over and over or hearing about the same damn people time and time again that I don’t know or care about. Why does she think I need to see her and Bob’s email exchanges? I don’t give a shit, and that should be between them anyway.

Speaking of my own journal entries, I came across another one in the 90s that tells me both my parents had high cholesterol and not just Dad.

I stopped the B-12 because it started messing with my stomach like B-complex did and didn’t seem to be giving me much more energy anyway. It’s too soon to judge the Rhodiola rosea, but it might have given me a little bit of energy and boosted my mood a tiny bit as well.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2023 “I was shown the consequences of my life, thousands of people that I’d interacted with and felt what they felt about me, saw their life and how I had impacted them. Next I saw the consequences of my life and the influence of my actions.”

The above is from an article about survivors of near-death experiences. Funny because we just talked about this and decided it’s wishful thinking for everyone we knew to ever know exactly how we felt about them. I’d like to think they’re all just hallucinating but there are thousands and thousands of stories, so it makes you wonder…could they all have the same hallucinations? With as many stories as there are, maybe there’s a reason for it but I don’t know. If so, then the only thing that has me a little worried are all the stories of those who tried to kill themselves and swear they went to hell, knowing that I’m almost certainly going to end it someday because either he goes first or the suffering gets to be way too much.

But then what about the terminally ill who kill themselves via Death with Dignity? Do they all go to hell too? If certain dreams involving my mother and grandmother weren’t just dreams, that gives me hope that it’s easy enough to escape hell, if there is one, even though they didn’t kill themselves. But then the religious freaks swear we go to hell just for lying. Show me a red-blooded human being on earth that hasn’t lied at one time or another!

If any of what I read is true, I like the idea of people knowing exactly how I felt about them and how their words and actions affected me, and I have no problem at all knowing how I affected them. I’ve always wondered at times, being the curious person that I am, what certain people I’ve known throughout my life have thought. So maybe we’ll get a chance to find that out! Did Maliheh really ghost me because she only befriended me long enough to ensure her name was kept out of my book as I think was the case? Or could she have had a problem with me liking her? Or could she have come to like me and had a problem with her liking me?

Anyway, after having 3 days of fairly decent energy I knew my luck was about to run out and it did. I’m terribly tired and so far, I don’t notice any difference with the Rhodiola rosea.

Took half of a 10 mg pill of hydroxyzine yesterday for mild anxiety and it didn’t make me drowsy or sleep forever. I slept a decent amount of time at 8 hours and got a good sleep score of 87, so I shouldn’t be tired even though I am. However, the next few days are going to be hit or miss as we get some storms rolling in. Got another few weeks of storm season.

Looking for alternatives to Grammarly because the aggressive advertising is really getting annoying as fuck. I complain, they say they’ll tell their team about it, but nothing ever changes. I think they literally want to drive away those who only want to use the free option and that they want only paying customers.

Andy will be in Florida between February 5th and 8th and OMG, this guy’s lack of compassion and empathy never ceases to amaze me. He knows I’ve been struggling and I told him about Tom’s procedure yet never once did he utter a word of support. No hoping I feel better soon, no telling Tom he hopes he feels better soon, no nothing.

I told him I would mark the dates on my calendar and do my best as long as my schedule permits it and there’s nothing else going on with me or him at the time. Instead of saying something like, “I’ll understand if you can’t make it and there’s always another time, even though I hope we can see each other because it’s been so long,” as a supportive and understanding friend would say. Instead, I get, “We haven’t seen each other in nearly 10 years.”

What I sense he really means is, “It’s been nearly 10 years since we’ve seen each other so fuck your health issues. You can do this for me.”

Am I just reading him all wrong or something? Again I’m asking myself if I did the right thing by letting him back into my life. We share a lot of funny memories but going forward we are just so damn different. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to see him. I really hope I can.

He’s excited to see a Stevie concert on a football field when he’s down here. It’s amazing how he’s been obsessed with the same person for so long. Sometimes I wish I still had some of my old obsessions but not a single dream, goal, or interest from way back when still exists except for my love of writing.

Anyway, I’ve been tired and cold and have a lot of brain fog, dry skin, hair loss, and gained another pound. Really worry and wonder how long it’s going to take to resolve this problem and what kind of hell I might have to go through to get there! Nine more days till my appointment!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2023 Making a point of getting zone minutes each day. Took a BP reading before I worked out and it actually wasn’t that bad at 129/83. Beats being in the 140s or 150s. When I was going through my apps on the Android and getting rid of stuff I don’t use anymore, I forgot I had a BP app. I’ll use that for logging readings because then all I have to do is send Galileo a screenshot when they ask for an update.

I took the lower dose of hydroxyzine yesterday and it still made me drowsy and sleep a long time (10 hrs) but I didn’t have next day drowsiness. If I’m going to get anxious, it still tends to come on in the middle of my day. So if I’m going to get hit with it, it will be between 3:00 and 4:00 yet I’m not feeling any signs of it looming so maybe I’ll be okay today. Fortunately, most of what I’ve been getting has been mild. Nothing hardcore like the end of last year or the beginning of 2021.

I’m still torn between the convenience and freedom that comes with writing for me only and keeping things private on the high-traffic sites versus sharing, meeting new people, and getting interesting feedback. For the most part these days I tend to be more private. I just don’t feel I need an audience and I am still hesitant to be that sociable knowing the potential for the trouble it may bring. Besides, there will never be another Aly, anyway.

On and off for years I’ve had a pain in my very lower left abdomen that I really hope doesn’t amount to any big deal like my gallbladder did. I suppose it could be anything from a cyst on the ovary to a muscle strain. Since cysts are less likely when you’re postmenopausal, I hope it’s just pulled muscles that I haven’t used as much since I started stepping up the cardio.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2023 I’m gonna be trying Rhodiola Rosea which is said to help with mood and energy levels. My doctor consulted with their experts, and there have been some studies to suggest that this helps with that. I ordered a bottle in liquid form. All the reviews are good, but I can’t really say which ones may be fake.

Also, since even half a tablet of hydroxyzine knocks me out and makes me sleep forever, I now have 10 mg tablets. If I feel anxious later on, I’ll try one and hopefully, it won’t be too much. If the anxiety gets that bad, though, then I’d rather deal with being knocked out and drowsy the next day. Last night was better and so is tonight. So far anyway.

Almost forgot to write about the horrible dream I had. When I woke up one day in the dream, I knew I had been raped in my sleep by a 7-foot black guy, even though I never felt, saw, or had any awareness of it happening.

The next night, I was in a restaurant and everyone in the neighborhood was present, or at least most of the people. There were about 50 people in all, including my rapist. Everyone seemed to know everyone so maybe it was a community like this one.

I stood up and demanded everyone’s attention. The room quieted and all eyes turned to me. Somehow I knew that everyone knew what happened to me. I said, “For every man in this room who supports me and doesn’t feel I deserve what I got, raise your hand.”

To my disgust, not everyone raised their hand. I continued on nonetheless and said, “This is your chance to do the right thing and stop this guy from hurting me again in the future as well as other women.”

This is where the dream ended. So if anyone went to battle for me in my defense, I don’t know.

The only positive dream I remember was flying on this weird plane, although I’m not sure if it really was a plane. You had that sensation of picking up speed along the runway and gravity pushing you back into your seat and then floating when it lifted off of the ground. So I guess it was a plane. It was just Tom and I and the pilot on whatever it was we were flying in.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2023 Slept through the mowers with no issues.

Today is the first day in a few days where I’ve had decent energy and little to no anxiety. Even half a tablet of hydroxyzine knocks me out and makes me sleep forever so my docs are calling in a prescription for 10 mg instead of 25 mg. I didn’t know they came that low.

I’ve noticed a definite pattern as far as what seems to trigger the anxiety, and the more time that passes, the more I’m convinced it is connected to the thyroid and or medication. I think hormones and what’s going on in my life have little to do with this particular feeling. Otherwise, I would have always experienced it whenever life got rough. It seems to be triggered by either being in the normal range, since for me that’s below normal, erratic dosing, rapid dosing, or being around 14 or higher. Tom thinks being on nights is a factor too.

They asked me how I felt about blood pressure medicine, and as I told them, I was hesitant because I still have times when my readings are good. So we agreed to have me try upping my cardio and see if that improves it. While I love working out in VR on the glider, it’s such a wimpy workout. They said you should be able to talk during a workout but not sing. I could definitely sing my heart out on that glider, LOL. It’s better than nothing but definitely not much of a workout since my HR rarely hits triple digits when I’m doing it. To get me into the Zone I need to hit at least 112. So if I’m not on the treadmill or jogging around the house, I need to do aerobics.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2023 “Meanwhile, my sister’s thyroid disease is turning fatal, so the hypochondriac claims. I guess they’ve tried her on different medications over the last year to no avail. She says her thyroid is so swollen it’s affected her voice and now it’s affecting her esophagus. She’s gained 17 pounds and is over 200 pounds.”

When I read the above excerpt from one of my 1997 journals I was like WTF? I don’t remember this bitch having a thyroid disease. The only one I know of that did was my mother. I swear I remember telling her when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and she told me her doctor once thought she had thyroid issues but it turned out that she didn’t.

Tom says it’s a sign that there’s something about my genetics and my family having problems with thyroid medication. Also in the 90s, Dad was telling me that Mom had been on Synthroid for 8 years and was having some kind of problem with her thyroid that I wish the hell I had pressed for more information on. But there was no way I could know that I would be dealing with this myself all these years later. Back then my worst problems were asthma, allergies, and an occasional flu and cold. I miss those days! God, do I miss them! I really wish I was psychic enough to see into my future to know just what kind of hell I’m going to be in for and whether or not it really is worth hanging on for.

Took magnesium and it only helped a little bit to take the edge off of my anxiety and down mood we’re guessing is due to my body not absorbing the levothyroxine, so I added half a hydro and even that makes me drowsy. But at least it does seem more helpful than magnesium.

I asked the chatbot to suggest what may help with energy and moods that I haven’t tried and it came up with something called Rhodiola Rosea so I asked my docs about it and we’ll see what they say.

Tom is still out of it too. The antibiotics have been harder on him than the procedure itself.

After the last time I bitched in my journal about them coming in with the really loud garbage truck, they went back to the softer one that you pretty much only hear when it’s close to the house. I hope that’s the way it is this week as well because I’m going to be sleeping in.

I started my next long trip and for some reason, it started me 27 miles into it. I’m out in the middle of the open desert in Mexico. Nothing but flat land with cactus and big open skies. A place I’d love to live if I was still young and healthy.

The new mini golf course, Alfheim, was released a few days ago. It’s great. Poor Tom is so frustrated that he can’t play because of the stitches on his forehead. The headset has to rest in that area.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2023 I am continuing to suffer both physically and mentally and wishing to hell that the mamo or echo would turn up something that’s going to kill me. But of course, it won’t. I’m tired as fuck and it’s affecting my emotional state as well. With the Endo being a couple of weeks away, I wonder how much worse I’m gonna get between now and then, not that I have much faith in her helping me. If there’s anything I can do or take that will help me, I have no idea what it is, and I don’t think any doctor is going to help me figure it out either. I really believe I’m hopeless. I really do. July 9th, 2014 was the start of a life sentence.

I totally want to end it all. But of course, I can’t because of Tom and Tink. But like I’ve been figuring out lately, that’s why whatever’s cursing me so badly put Tom in my life was to force me to suffer knowing I would be reluctant to end it all and hurt him. But it should also know that there’s only so much I can take. There are only so many more years I can put his feelings before my suffering. Bringing my TSH down may give me more energy, but all it’s going to do in the end is give me insomnia and anxiety instead. It’s either feel tired and down or have a little more energy, more problems sleeping, and anxiety. All I do is swap one problem for another. I never get a fucking break for more than a day or two.

I haven’t been sharing much on the more active writing platforms because I feel my words are too depressing. Sometimes I just gotta write for myself. Blogger isn’t private, but it’s pretty dead. I just want to vent without judgment or an audience.

The only thing that helps a little is to vent, play with Tink, or hit the road. We discovered that Tink really gets a kick out of playing “water games” where she loves to stick her mouth in front of the plant water bottle as we squirt water into her tray.

Ray is back. Late last night, I saw him out with a flashlight trying to figure out why he has no water. Irma says she hopes he knows he has to call the water company. He’s out of luck until Monday. The AC people were out today, and I could hear a few bumps and bangs, but nothing major. I thought that thing was brand new. Also, why is he back so soon?

I finished my trip from Spain to Norway! Since I went north in eastern Europe, I’m going to go south in western Europe from Finland to Greece, but not until I do my trip where I head northeasterly from Mexico to Maine. Then after that, I’ll head southeasterly from Canada to Florida.

In my Mexico to Maine trip, I will be heading to Texas and then through the very northwestern tip of Louisiana, then Arkansas, across the southeastern tip of Missouri, then Illinois, then I’ll barely skirt by Kentucky without entering it. From there, I’ll go through Indiana, Ohio, right up to the border of Pennsylvania, then hit New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and finally Maine.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2023 Yesterday I had good energy and was in a good mood for someone who had just learned her TSH was continuing to rise for no apparent reason.

Today I’m cold, tired and fat. My wake-up call this time around was a loud thunderclap although I did fall back asleep relatively quickly.

I’ve been feeling blah and hopeless as far as my health goes. I really doubt I’m going to get my health back. The harder I work to get it on track the more pushed off track I get that I’m hesitant to do much more about it. Someday I’ll throw in the towel and just let it be whatever it’s going to be. I don’t have much control over the situation anyway.

No one can know for sure about these sorts of things any more than what happens after we die but I sure have been feeling like something really, really wants me to be hypo. The never-ending question is why. Just to take some of the joy out of my life? I know it’s not going to kill me anytime soon, whatever may be up there. I don’t know how I know but I just know I’m not going to have a heart attack, a stroke, or get cancer that can’t be treated anytime soon. I still think I’m going to end up killing myself someday because I’m either tired of suffering or because my husband dies or is dying. So while it’s great that I’m not going to get anything deadly anytime soon, the reasons behind this aren’t too thrilling. Yet I really feel like there’s something that wants me to live a long time so I can continue to suffer in some way or another, be it from a slew of things going on with me or the same old never-ending battles I’ve been fighting for years. My thyroid is going to be a problem all my life just like my teeth are. As soon as I get it relatively on track, something will throw things off again. Like I said, sooner or later I’m going to quit bothering to try.

It just pisses the fuck out of me when I think of all the undeserving assholes and nut jobs out there who have little more than an occasional cold while I have to suffer from one thing after another on top of the same old shit. Am I really that horrible of a person? Do I really deserve this? Why does it want me to be tired so much of the time and not feel so great emotionally? So I can’t be as active as I want to be? And if so, why??? Why does something up there want me to be hypo? Why? Why must I spend so much of my life tired?

I really thought I wouldn’t suffer until a matter of days, weeks, or maybe even months before my time was up. Not what’s going to end up being about a third of my fucking life. Besides feeling tired, cold and fat, my ear definitely needs to be cleaned. I feel the pressure that comes with it being gunked up. It seems to block my sinuses from draining properly and give me a slight headache. Of course my TMJ acts up as well. My head sort of has that feeling you get when you have a cold.

Again, no one knows for sure if there’s a God but if there is one that is actively involved in our lives and what happens to us, fuck you. Just fuck you for all the years of suffering you allowed me to endure. Fuck you for not doing more to make my life healthier and therefore happier. Fuck you for stealing my energy and my joy. Fuck you for limiting my activities. Fuck you for not giving a shit. Fuck you for my family’s shit. Fuck you for the sex and infertility shit. Fuck you for the happy healthy sex life I could have had. Fuck you for letting the freeloaders legally screw me over because I had something to say about their shit. Fuck you for the money woes. Fuck you for taking my bestie. And now … fuck you for trampling on my health and emotional well-being for the better part of a decade and for what’s no doubt the better part of two more decades to come.

Yeah, fuck you.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2023 Today serves as yet another reminder that no, God doesn’t always help those who help themselves if one even exists. Again, it’s like something wants me to be hypo! Well, if there is any God up there picking on me, it’s quite a coward. It has the guts to fuck with my health but it doesn’t have the guts to kill me.

Tom guessed that my TSH would be the same or down a point or two and I guessed it was going to be up from 14 to somewhere between 16 and 18. I’ve had enough experience with this drug and the symptoms that go with both having not enough and too much medication in me to get a good sense of where I’m at and sure enough, I’m at 16.

What’s the point of taking this shit if my body can’t absorb it anymore? I totally regret getting my gallbladder removed and I should have known that I would somehow be punished for it as I seem to be every time a significant bodily change is made in some way or another. I get braces to straighten my teeth and I start having cavities like crazy. I have ear surgery and I acquire TMJ. So why did I think things would be simple with the gallbastard? Why did I think I could simply have my gallbladder removed and have that be the end of the problem? I should have just kept the damn thing and dealt with the cramps.

I worked so long and so hard to get my TSH consistently under 10 and now it’s like the carpet has been yanked from under my feet and I have to start all over again. The question is how and with what? Again, if there is anything up there, it doesn’t have the balls to kill me so I’m going to have to figure it out if I don’t want to be so damn tired so much of the time. Hell, just thinking of my numbers makes me tired.

I wonder if I should give liothyronine another chance because I read back in my 2018 journal, and it wasn’t that I didn’t wait long enough for food and drink but I stupidly took magnesium supplements along with it, not knowing any better at the time. I’m waiting to hear back from my doctors.

I’m also worried as to how far this is going to go before it’s brought under control and at what expense. Yesterday, I felt on edge and kind of down. So there is a definite connection between my moods and not only medication consistency and dosing but TSH levels as well. I’m afraid this is going to bring the anxiety back along with whatever medication adjustments we’re going to have to make. Right now I feel like I could take the maximum dose of levothyroxine and anxious or not, it’s not going to do me any good.

Read up some more on liothyronine and while most people found it helpful, you can have the same problems with it as with levothyroxine. Well, if I’m sensitive to levothyroxine there’s no reason to think I wouldn’t be sensitive to liothyronine as well. It can cause anxiety and palpitations along with insomnia and other problems. But maybe taking T3 instead of taking T4 and hoping it will convert to T3 like it’s supposed to would be my best bet.

I haven’t gained much weight but I have gained a little. My skin is dry and my hair is falling out. I wonder how much worse the hypo symptoms are going to get, including the fatigue before this is resolved somehow. It’s just that I keep everything I gain as long as I don’t go thyrotoxic, so if I gain any more weight, I’m stuck with it forever.

Also, even though I don’t feel anything with my fingers or see anything, I feel like there’s a lump or something at the base of the left side of my neck that I didn’t notice when my TSH was lower, making me think the gland is enlarged a bit. I’ve had this feeling on and off for many years. My old doctor told me it was arthritis, but I don’t know.

While I wait for my doctors to instruct me on how to proceed, there is some good news. Although my total cholesterol is still high at 286, at least it’s under 300. My bad cholesterol and triglycerides and other things are high.

I tested negative for over 100 different autoimmune diseases, my WBC is normal, and my A1C is normal so that’s good. However, my glucose was a little high at 111. So, I’m still possibly pre-diabetic but not diabetic.

Tom’s forehead looks and feels horrible, the poor guy. He has a long line of stitches from the top of his forehead to the eyebrow. He thought it would be just a little circle but in order for them to sew the skin back together, this is how they had to do it. It almost looks like he has a black centipede sitting in the middle of his forehead, LOL. It’s also swollen and he has a headache and he too, finds that opioids don’t help much. He has to ice it on and off, take antibiotics, and put an antibiotic ointment on it. For the first 24 hours, he had to leave it bandaged. We won’t be able to golf together for a few days because the headset rests on his forehead in that area. He’s napping now which is good. He needs to sleep as much as he can so that his body heals.

I now have just under 50 miles to go to complete my Spain to Norway trip! When I’m done in 2 or 3 days, I’m going to do some small trips on my favorites list before starting my next big trip from Mexico to Maine.

Tomorrow is crazy Kim’s 43rd birthday so I’ll be sure to send an email right after midnight so she’ll have it when she gets up.

Galileo just said to keep going as I have until I see the endo since it’s their bread and butter, but they do understand how stressful and frustrating it can be to see my numbers keep climbing and have it be out of my control.

They want to discuss my cholesterol but agree to wait till after I see the endo because I’m stressed out enough. I thanked them for understanding, although I don’t know what much there is to discuss about my cholesterol if I can’t treat it. Hopefully, it will come down a little more if we can ever get my TSH relatively normal again.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2023 Starting to feel a bit off emotionally. I’m just not sure if I feel more down or anxious. I guess I’m mostly in a blah mood. The question is how much of it is physiological and how much of it is the fact that I feel like my life is pretty much over. I just can’t bring back that old excitement of moving on to new things, or at least hoping to anyway.

I really miss some aspects of my old life. I really do. Never thought I would say this but I miss some of those old feelings. And damn do I miss Aly!

While I’m not feeling the greatest emotionally, Tom’s not feeling the greatest physically. He got his squamous spot removed and says it’s given him a headache and almost feels like it’s squeezing his eye shut. He went to bed early. He has to ice it on and off and he was given an opioid for the pain as well as antibiotics. He didn’t want to take the painkiller before bed in case it slowed his heart too much in his sleep.

I never got my lab results today. I didn’t realize it could take a week to do A1C and RA testing. Wish they could have at least given me the results they do have. My shitty TSH is definitely done now.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2023 I totally have to stop entering sweepstakes. This isn’t 20 years ago anyway when it was possible to win these things. All it’s doing is generating spam calls.

Tom is at the doctor now getting the cancerous spot removed from his forehead. Hopefully, they won’t have to cut too many layers before they get it all.

I, on the other hand, am waiting for all my horrible numbers to come in after going to the lab yesterday. They were a few minutes late for my appointment but they had no trouble getting the four vials of blood they needed without a butterfly needle. Remembering that one of the vampires said that the butterfly needle caused the blood to drain into the tube slower, I decided to see if they could get it without one and they did.

I looked at my mood tracker app for August and found I had 12 tired days for that month and 2 anxious days. I’m just glad the anxiety only lasted a couple of days! I was worried I was on the verge of another bad spell.

I realized something as well. If I’m right in that my normal is between 6-9 as far as my thyroid goes, then it’s technically an incorrect statement for me to say I would lose weight with normal numbers because I don’t lose weight when my numbers are in that range. I only lose when in the range that’s normal for most people.

I texted Tom to see how he’s doing and he said they’re done with the first cut and the lab will take a half hour to analyze it. Hopefully, they won’t have to make too many cuts to get all the cancerous cells.

For the longest time, I kept asking myself what I did to deserve him. If there is anything out there, that truly does hate me and has been hell-bent on seeing me cursed in one way or another throughout my life, then why blessed me with him? Well, maybe it’s to keep me alive to suffer on and off, knowing I’m much more reluctant to end it all with him in the picture. I suppose anything is possible but I’ll likely never know.

I also read an interesting article that made me think of Andy, Andy isn’t the dumbest person in the world. Far from it. I mean, there’s just no comparison between him and crazy Kim. But he’s also not the brightest bulb in the box either. The article talked about how people not asking follow-up questions about something you’ve mentioned is often interpreted as a sign of disinterest. However, it can actually be a sign of a lack of ability to comprehend in order to ask additional questions. I thought about it and it is definitely hard for Andy to understand or even want to understand certain things, although I still think he’s a bit selfish, mostly wanting to talk about what interests him and what he can relate to. A lot of people are like that. So while I would be curious, even if it didn’t affect me personally, that’s likely why he never asked whether or not I took the new N24 medication, for example.

Met with Helen yesterday and it was funny because when she was doing EMDR with me and walking me through certain feelings and events of my childhood, she kept asking how I felt during the actual moment when I went through the event as a child and I told her I didn’t think that was ever going to change because it was in the past and you can’t go back and rewrite history and change how you felt about something you felt at a particular moment years ago, could you? But apparently, that’s the whole idea here is to go back in time and literally re-process and change how I felt in order to help move on in the future with less anger. We were laughing for a minute there, and I told her I was sorry I didn’t understand the point of what we were trying to do and she said that was okay, and perhaps it was explained to me in a way I didn’t understand.

At the same time, I feel like a lot of the anger has fizzled out on its own with age. I’m certainly not as angry as I was years ago. This doesn’t mean I would ever forgive those who have really wronged me or be okay with it any more than I would let them back into my life if that were possible. It just means I’m just not feeling the anger as intensely as I used to. I don’t even want revenge on those who have really screwed me the worst in life as much. I mean, I do and it would still be nice if there was something I could do that I could actually get away with in a day and age where everything is traceable, but at the same time, I just don’t care as much. The need for such trolling like what Termite Tammy and her pesky brood did showed that they cared how I felt and what I thought. Well, the more time that passes, the less I give a shit and therefore the less angrier I am and the less I crave revenge. Like I said, I would take it if it was that simple and I certainly don’t give a shit what happens to them. But more and more I just see them as a bunch of horrible people I used to know that I want nothing to do with now or in the future. I’m indifferent to what happens to them at the same time I believe they deserve whatever suffering comes their way.

Tinkerbella was so cute this morning. There’s nothing sweeter than when your rat is already out running around free, compliments of Tom, and runs up to greet you as you open the bedroom door and step out of it. It was so damn cute. She wanted to be picked up and say hello so I picked her up and gave her hugs and kisses as always.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2023 Although I wasn’t too tired yesterday, I had nausea for hours. It lasted well into my sleep and then some. I swear that when we moved into the last house, something up there slammed its fist down and declared, “I’m gonna make sure you suffer nearly every day for the rest of your life!”

It sure feels that way at times. If it isn’t anxiety, then it’s fatigue. If it isn’t pain, it’s nausea.

I’m sipping peppermint tea, which is supposed to help because I still have traces of nausea.

Apparently, I must add meatballs to the list of Do Not Eat since getting my gallbladder removed. We’re pretty sure the frozen meatballs I heated up and added to the spaghetti I made for us yesterday were what caused it.

It came on hours before bedtime and I thought it would be gone by the time I was ready to sleep. I tried a couple of Tums and it seemed to help a little, but not for long. When I finally drifted off on my stomach, I woke up because it started coming up in my throat and I totally regretted not trying to make myself throw up. I was kind of hoping I would throw up whether I wanted to or not since it just didn’t seem to want to leave my system but nope. Then I fell back asleep on my back just to snore myself awake.

I knew I was gonna be exhausted when I got up because of how long I was up for and how shitty I slept. I woke up after 5.5 hours of sleep, and I could kick myself for not staying up! I went back to sleep, not even an hour after being up, and ended up sleeping for nearly 5 additional hours. So the endo appointment, which looked like it would be simple enough to get to after the light was slowing the roll, is back to looking like I’m gonna have to short my sleep by quite a bit to make it to. I may even have to reschedule Tuesday’s lab.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2023 I wasn’t going to do an entry today, but I’ll do one if only just to bitch about my shitty health woes. Each year that I suffer, I fear I’m never going to get my health back. Being healthy is definitely a thing of the past for me. Or at least feeling healthy.

Yesterday I spent about 80% of my day feeling exhausted and therefore it played on my mood and made me feel frustrated and totally bummed out.

I thought of going for a walk today, but then I decided to clean the kitchen first, knowing that it would likely suck the energy out of me. I didn’t want the walk to wipe me out and be too tired to clean. Sure enough, I’m a little out of it but I’m more lightheaded than anything else. This is how I felt coming back from Publix a couple of days ago. Really hope I improve once my TSH is squared away!

Tom and I are still 99% sure I don’t have PAH. It will still be nice to have an expert say so for sure. So when I hear those words telling me everything is OK with my heart and arteries, I can then begin the process of elimination as to what’s causing the fatigue. I agree with the docs in that it’s likely mostly on my thyroid and being a little low on B-12. The problem is that the supplements haven’t been helping.

I was able to get referrals for the mammogram and echocardiogram at the same place about 15 minutes away. Still may have to travel a bit further for a cardiologist. First, we want the echocardiogram results for when I see the cardiologist. It may not be necessary to see one, though, if the echo doesn’t show anything questionable.

As for genetic counseling, we have to see if my insurance covers that. I did find that 23andMe checked for 3 variants that I didn’t have that could put me at risk of breast cancer but there are over 1000 variants.

I don’t know about RA, but when I looked into the symptoms of Sjogren’s, I felt pretty sure I don’t have that since I don’t have a dry mouth and dry tear ducts. They’ll still be testing for these things.

The absolute worst-case scenario is that I have chronic fatigue. Doesn’t explain the lightheadedness, but it could just be that I need to drink more and am hungry. I haven’t eaten much since I’ve been up.

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healthtodys · 1 year ago

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benrunschicago · 2 years ago

Text

276 Days Til Chicago

January 3rd : Goal for this week base building 45 miles, with 12 mile long run

Drove 7 hours back from Texarkana, had time but did not feel like doing anything. Ate some Ben and Jerry’s that was left over. Time to hit it tomorrow. Did the math in my head : if I’m going to run 45 miles this week, what would that look like? Easier if I went out and did 5 or 6 now… 5 today then 40 the other 5 days : 8/day. but if it’s Wednesday to Sunday and I did the 45 miles very evenly, made it even, that would be 9 per day, about 2 hours for me right now at 12:30/13:00 pace (4.8/hour).

Goal to work up to 80 miles per week over tthree and a half months, starting at 40 miles per week

January 4th.

Summary:

Weight: 206 pounds / 94 kilos

Diet -- did well

Ran 9 miles in 1hr50, with 6 strides and half mile cooldown

30 minutes Yoga, 30 minutes HIIT Cardio

Free day before work begins. Woke up committed. Got on the scale, and shocking: 29.7 BMI, .3 away from being obese. 94 kilos, meaning I gained 4 or 5 kilos this Christmas break. Yikes. What a wake up call!

Took the vitamins and compared the different ones with the ones M takes. She says she likes mine better. She’ll switch to these prenatals, which she said are really good. Mine have spirulina, wheatgrass, probiotics, lots of good stuff in addition to a very comprehensive vegan formula. I noticed a couple of days ago that these make my pee look neon yellow. We had Mexican and Japanese food, very salty, the past 4 days every day at least one meal, so I thought maybe I was just very dehydrated.

BREAKFAST

multivitamin, coffee with Silk extra creamy oat milk, cold brew. Don’t like the sugar in the milk but its all we had before. Since I need fat with the multivitamin, I saw M made Morocoan corn bread, which I ate with olive oil and honey on it.

Did day one of Yoga with Adriene’s 2023 30 day yoga challenge, with the mantra I can. 30 minutes and felt great. Some good runner lunges helped, as did an activity with bending at the waist and going in complete cirlces with your torso, then reversing. Went by fast. Everything was sore from driving. Yesterday driving I stopped and did some lunges, calf stretches, to help with hip flexors that ached as I sat in the drivers seat. My body is jacked (in the bad way) currently.

youtube

Immediately opened CENTR app and looked at Programs. M is on Day 11 of the beginner Center Unleashed, and I don’t want to get confused who is on which day, so I looked and saw another one, Centr Unlimited. Same concept. This had lots of planks which I need. 30 minutes of that. Was tough but just right for my fitness level.

https://centr.com/article/show/18351/burn-tone-build-strength-at-home-with-centr-unlimited?utm_source=landing%20page&utm_medium=program-learn%20more-button&utm_campaign=owned

ATE

Cornbread

Multivitamin

Coffee

Oat milk

POST WORKOUT

Cup of oat milk, one scoop vanilla vegan protein powder, and matcha tea

Will try to run 9 miles once we are back.

One nonalcoholic beer. “SO BEER, American Lite” Ok, starting to grow on me, but I like the Stella Artois nonalcoholic the best so far.

PM - Ran 9 miles

Part 1 Ran 8 miles, very hilly, 400 feet elevation change. Was harder than a month ago — the 7 extra pounds must be it. But I made it.

Part 2

Did 6 strides for .5 miles total and .5 mile cooldown

9 miles total - hit my goal!

I’m eating a big big salad I got from HEB, that has a wide variety of green leaves. HEB organics salad greens mix

I try to keep my salads filling and low calorie — no oil, mainly.

LUNCH, late, 4 PM

Salad greens

Balsamic vinegar

5 dates

Half a cup of blueberries

DINNER

2 bean and BROL burritos -- the BROL (purple barley, oat groats, rye berries, and black lentils) prebiotic mix from Dr Greger makes a meaty grain mix that we add to our food in differnt ways. This time we added spices to make it Mexican flavor.

youtube

M said the Prophet p.b.u.h. used to eat vinegar with his meals and mentioned it as a healthy thing to do. Dr Greger talks about having vinegar at every meal, along with a 100 calorie apple or similar thing, certain foods that if you eat them 20 minutes before a meal, you end up eating significantly less during the meal. In general I’m trying to follow the Dr Greger Daily Dozen and the Twenty-One Tweaks for weight loss, that you can read about in his books HOW NOT TO DIE and HOW NOT TO DIET

Tricky part to me is the idea of eating enough while also losing weight. Answer: eat clean! And also the answer: I read an article describing a study in which the extra appetite from running only added weight to you up to 40-50 miles per week and after that you burn more than the added appetite gives you.

My story with that:

I have long run a marathon, gain five pounds, run a marathon, gain five pounds. Once I did 4 back to back and gained 20 pounds. I used to use drastic measures like only eat one meal a week in order to hit the Army weight for me 70’ 189 pounds, which I did every time, but this time I rejected the idea of starving myself unhealtil for weeks at a time, only to have it all come back. Within two weeks. So I just showed up and let come what may. And they did the tape test and I was exactly on my body fat percentage, 24%. Which means I passed the weigh in but also that I am running now 10 or 15 pounds heavier than normal.

Going to start doing where I eat dinner and no snack. That’s what my mom adopted and lost twenty pounds in her ’60’s.

The strides are something I picked up from the Sage base building plan. I used to think you had to keep it extremely low heart rate in order to reach the benefits of Mafetone style running, but seeing them talk about strides during aerobic base building means I have the OK to incorporate some.

I showed M the chart of the pace for my six strides. I got down to 5’34” per mile each time, and didn’t feel like I was killing myself. But I also didn’t feel like I could sprint any faster!

But 5’30” is more than faster than I’ll ever run during a marathon (I suppose). So that’s fast enough!

I also ran the whole mileage with my Correct Toes. During the run I had to walk a lot. I felt some side knee pain in my right knee, something only with these new Escalante 3’s. But I did my knee bend squat at a telephone pole and it went away for the entire run.

I came in after being away longer than I said, but M seemed fine and she asked how the run went and she smiled big and was enthusiastic when I said that I

PM Evening

Going to try to do a hip opener sequence from BodyWeight Warrior on YouTube, and do 15 minutes of balance, single leg RUNNING REWIRED style. I think on Kindle I have RUNNING REWIRED and JACK DANIELS 5K and 10K RUNNING books. I have them but need to read them.

youtube

MATT FITZGERALD

His RUNNING THE DREAM book recommended for tight calves, taking a racquetball and putting it in the space of your knee. I will try to see a youtube video about that, but I bought them. My calves are extremely tight --the podiatrist from the Army when I broke my foot said they were extremely tight, the tightest he ever saw I could barely even move my foot around--and I need to do something about them.

youtube

This book has been good, but I have had to look up some of the things he mentions. Later I hope to collect all the stuff I learned that he mentions, like the “stirring the pot” ab ball exercise, and certain plyometric exercises like A skips and B skips, take all that and record it.

TO DO

0 notes

plussizeficchick · 3 years ago

Note

Hi again lol! I just saw the Chemistry post and loved it so much <3 It’s my birthday just today and I’m so excited because I’ll turn 20 which is a huge leap whew. Could I request an Adult!Kyoya (Like at the end of the Manga; I should’ve specified this in the last ask sorry) planning to celebrate his chubby s/o’s birthday by throwing a party but finds her crying in their room when the dress she ordered doesn’t look good/ doesn’t fit her? And he just brings her to the bed to cuddle her and kiss her or it could end in soft smut or both lol whatever you choose! 😄

OMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Big PURR🎉🥳 I hope you don't mind, I kind of switched it a little, didn't want it to be too sad on your birthday, but I hope you like it!!

So Sweet │Kyoya Ootori x Chubby Reader

Warnings: Smut (oral, fem! receiving)

You were so excited.

Finally, finally, you met someone who you could share your birthday with. Someone who’d accepted you, flaws and all. Someone who loved you, and now it was ruined.

You and Kyoya had spent weeks looking for a dress for you to wear to your annual birthday dinner. Every year since graduating, Kyoya had decided that for your birthday, he was going to treat you to a special dinner on your birthday at an expensive restaurant. Nothing was too much, and you could get whatever your heart desired. It was your day.

Which was why you were so upset that the dress you ordered didn’t fit right. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you couldn’t help the tears that began to well up. You were so sure you picked the right size. A bit bigger than your normal size because you didn’t want it to be too form fitting, but this just didn’t seem right. It hugged your torso snug, accentuating your chest and your stomach, the rolls being highlighted. And it was tight around your waist and thighs, highlighting the thickness of them. What’s Kyoya going to think? You didn’t think you gained any weight, not having eaten more than usual. So what happened?

While you were busy with the war in your mind, you didn’t hear Kyoya coming through the door, having just got off from work. Opening the door, he’s met with you, looking in the mirror, in the tightest dress he thinks he’s ever seen you in. She’s trying to kill me, I’m certain. Kyoya thinks. He noticed that it was the dress that you and he agreed on, and judging by how it hugged your figure, he knew he made the right call in changing the size you bought.

Eyes trailing your figure hungrily, you look up in the mirror and see Kyoya standing there, staring. “Kyoya! When’d you come home?” You ask, startled. You weren’t ready to see him! Especially like this. Ignoring your question, Kyoya stalks up to you. Taking you into his hands, Kyoya caresses your body, feeling up your curves. “I see the new dress came just in time.” He says, smoothly. Putting your chubby arms around his neck, you allow him to feel you up, feeling better just from his touch alone. He didn’t seem bothered by how you looked, how tight the dress hugged you. That was a good sign, right? “Mhm,” You nod. “Does it look okay? I thought it seemed-” “You look ravishing, darling.” He cuts you off. None of that today. You were supposed to feel beautiful. It was your birthday. “You sure? I could’ve sworn I bought a bigger size.” You say, brows furrowed in confusion. “I changed it.” He says, bluntly. “And I’m glad I did because you look gorgeous.” He states. “Really?” You ask, doe-eyed. He nods, “In fact,” He says, leaning down to your ear, licking the shell of it. Moving his hand to the back of the dress, he begins to unzip, “I think it’d be best to take it off.” Shuddering at his words, you tilt your head, you’re met with lust blown eyes. Biting your lip, you say, “Okay.”

Kyoya takes that as confirmation to move, unzipping the dress fervently, rushing to see what you’re hiding underneath. “Nothing, eh?” He chuckles. Embarrassed, you turn your head away. “No darling,” Kyoya says, cupping your chin. “Don’t turn away. You know what, get on the bed. I wanna give you an early birthday gift.”

Moving to the bed, you lie on your back legs spread, just like Kyoya taught you. “Good girl. Let me have some fun, hmm?” He says, moving to sit in between your legs. He’s met with your dripping cunt, aching to be touched. “So pretty.” He breathes out. “So wet. Who got you this wet baby? Hmm? Tell me.” He says, brushing a knuckle against your clit. “Y-you. You Kyoya.” You moan out. He’s never done anything like this before. He wasn’t the most talkative person in bed, this was new! “Yeah?” He asks, moving to hold your lips apart, really see what he’s doing. You nod, too overwhelmed to say anything. “Then you don’t mind if I have a taste then, do you?” He asks, licking a long, bold stripe up your center. You didn’t even get to answer, too busy moaning at the unexpected touch. “Hahh, mmm.” You moan. Kyoya takes that as a sign to move faster, working you closer and closer to your orgasm. Licking, slurping, drinking, everything that you have to offer. It isn’t until he sticks his tongue in your hole, fucking you with it that you reach your first orgasm. “Kyoya, baby, oh my-” You cut yourself off, orgasm crashing through you like a wave, eyes rolling in the back of your head.

It isn’t until you push his head away from oversensitivity, Kyoya comes up for air. “Ahh, that was good dear,” Kyoya says, licking his lips of your juices. “So sweet.”

#x chubby reader #x plus size reader #anime x chubby reader #kyoya x chubby reader #kyoya x reader #ohshc x chubby reader #ohshc x reader #ouran high school host club #ohshc #x reader #x black reader

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catastrophe-at-sixteen · 4 years ago

Text

strawberries and cigarettes (m)

Jungkook x reader

“For a biology project, you and your class are going on a field trip to collect evidence for your hypothesis. It is all going well until the dark haired nuisance called Jeon Jungkook decides to piss you off.”

Also - a nerd. The resident bad boy. The police. Annoying friends. A loose psycho killer. What could go wrong?

This is my first time ever uploading any fics !! im super nervous haha - i'll probably post a little of each one and see how it goes !!

Jungkook x reader.

This is your classic enemies to lovers but with a slight little twist!

This is set in the 80s/90s and is your typical bad boy/nerd girl trope- but , there is a killer on the loose. I mean this is kind of based on jack the ripper (serial killer) and my teenage fantasies of falling for bad boy jungkook. I hope you’ll give it a go and tell me what you think !!! <3

Tw : cursing, killings, descriptions of death and psychopaths, masturbation , making out, smut.

WC : 11K

also a big massive thank you to @ggukkiereads for helping me gain the confidence to write and dedicate time to finishing this ! ik its been a while since we spoke but much love to u angel <3 may u always have the best !

Begrudgingly the students lag off the bus at 10pm, finally having reached their destination.

Tired and sore from their journey the teachers find no trouble in distributing bedrooms for everyone.

When your name is called out along with Tiffany you internally groan - great you think one of the most plastic girls in the school all to myself.

You grimace but make no argument as you could have gotten worse you suppose.

As you grab your belongings and ignore her protests that she doesn't want to room with a loser like you, a dark clad figure pushes past you, almost tripping you over.

Angrily you shout

"Watch where you're going you prick"!

Yet he doesn't so much look in your direction.

Under the dim moonlight you can faintly make out the low blunt of a cigarette in a tattoo clad hand - so it was the infamous Jungkook.

Honestly you didn't understand why all the girls fawned over him when he was just a rude and ignorant asshole. Sure, he had a pretty face but no good soul to match.

Calming yourself, as it was unlikely that you'd ever receive an apology from the school rebel you just head to your new room.

The school had organised a biology trip so that you could gather authentic evidence on the correlation of birds and wood growth in a certain designated area and honestly you were excited- not having enough expenses to get out of town when you were younger meant that this was a treat for you and paired with you being a biology major your inner geek was surfacing pretty quickly.

You move into your room and begin unpacking your things ignoring the chatter coming from your new roommates.

You set everything nicely, precisely -just to your liking. Maybe some would call you fussy, but you like to think of yourself as organised and classy.

You don’t have many thoughts that night as you lay down for bed, but you do hear the news playing in the background.

" a killing has not been sighted for a time breaking the pattern of the 1-week intervals in which they have been happening, but police still advise to remain on high alert at all times. "

You shudder as you think about it, a killer on the loose in the country and everyone powerless to stop him.

He fed of the insecurities of people, the fear of not being safe. He did a damn well good job at it as well.

You look outside and see the police on night duty setting up, the country while terrified also was reluctant to admit the threat and instead of protecting you properly they had merely sent police force units as glorified bodyguards to ' keep you safe '.

You sigh, as you climb under your covers those problems seem like a long way away from you as you drift off with an empty mind.

It was morning, the sun was shining brightly through the windows giving an orange glow to the room.

You were up before your roommates, had brushed your teeth and were already preparing for your project.

You had to do well, you were depending on a scholarship for university, your family could simply not afford it otherwise.

When your first signs of morning hunger begin to strike you venture outside your room in order to satiate yourself. You find that it’s still quiet only a few students up like yourself, you find a coffee machine and immediately begin to make one for yourself.

“While you're at it could you make one for me too".

a deep voice drawls out.

You almost jump out of your skin at the sound his voice breaking the silence you had been enjoying. Jeon Jungkook.

You scowl at him, choosing to ignore him carrying on making your own cup.

He whistles under his breath.

“wow, edgy or a bitch? I can’t decide".

He taunts you.

You roll your eyes at him and sigh in annoyance, his eyebrows raise at this.

“you’re clearly not a morning person".

He speaks.

You mutter under your breath.

" or maybe I’m just not a YOU person, not everyone lives to be nice to you. "

He lifts his hands up in a mock surrender.

“Okay, okay I get it it's a bad time for you jeez.... I suppose I'll have to make my own coffee".

He moves closer to you, totally invading your personal space, clearly, he had never heard of a personal bubble! You scowl and try to move away but he’s faster and is hovering over you before you know it. He looks down at you with those pretty dark eyes.

They’re so gorgeous.

Not that it matters to you because he is still an asshole, and he still ruined your morning.

“get out of my face Jeon Jungkook".

You say between clenched teeth.

You’re not some sort of pushover.

Yes, you're clever, as society classes a nerd but you're not one to let people walk all over you.

If he’s shocked, he doesn’t let on, just hums and lets you walk away, which you do, a little aggressively. You got back to your room and let out a sound of annoyance, the girls are still sleeping.

You sigh.

This was going to be a long trip.

After an uneventful morning, the wait was over and finally the teachers had called you to gather in the common area. Much to your dismay however there would be no actual data collecting until the police had secured the area, which meant that your whole day was pretty much wasted. The other students were chatting and gossiping and being idiots as per usual.

It’s not that you thought you were better than them, it's just that they were so mundane, so lifeless. They were just living on with no sense of direction. You suppose that's what you get for attending a school for rich kids though.

You could never fit in.

So, you never tried. People took pity on you every now and then offered you a smile. You smiled back but that was it. Your thoughts are running and to clear your head you decide to go outside for a little breather.

There isn’t much, just a few abandoned train tracks that seemingly lead into nowhere, a few broken fences and lots of grass. Not much time after this you head to bed.

Finally, the day had arrived, you could collect your samples.

You are so glad that it’s an individual project because you honestly cannot even imagine working with one of those air heads.

You shudder at the memory of having to work with Taehyung last semester for a chemistry practical.

You had to basically pull all the weight for your grade.

So, you get on working your way through your work and proving or disproving your hypothesis.

You’re pleased at the work that you completed. Not entirely satisfied but satisfied enough, for now.

You let out a stiff yawn, you need to stretch and need a little fresh air since you had spent the last few hours writing up your data and making graphs to compliment them.

You forgo your jacket since the weather isn’t so bad.

It’s nice.

When you go outside there are quite a few students already there, goofing around. There is also a pretty scenery, that in all honesty you had not appreciated until right now.

“Wow" you mutter under your breath.

Maybe I should try living outside my own head sometimes.

You spot some students surrounding a police officer and the curiosity gets the better of you and your soon wandering around the outskirts of their conversation.

Alas, it was merely a fruitless conversation. The police officer telling the other about his escapades and how they will be good in hands.

You lose yourself to your own thoughts again and look at the scenery. Until a little scuffle, breaks you out of your thoughts.

“What was that? There was a movement down there!! “

A boy called Josh calls out.

The police officer had also noticed it, then a sound of a gunshot sounds through the air.

The police officers curse and begin to get ready to scout the area. They want you all to go away, be safe inside but you’re all young adults- you want to see what’s going on.

Everyone gathers, watching the officers.

You scan the area; you spot the balcony that looks over the area just in front of the cabins.

Perfect you think that’s the perfect spot to see what’s going on.

So, you begin to climb up the steps to that room, when you get there, you can see everything.

You see a dead dog, a dead bird and the gun which had killed them laid out to where the officers were heading.

Fear grips your heart; your heartbeat is erratic. You think you see the shape of figure retreating into the distance but before you can look again, you feel the ground give way under you.

You let out a shriek, feeling yourself falling.

Is this truly how my life end you wonder I didn’t even get to complete my PhD?

Yet, instead of the hard fall that your body had been anticipating; your landing is softer and lets out a low grunt.

You're sure you're dead and have entered heaven.

Slowly you register a warm feeling under your legs and a secure one at your waist.

oh, this feels nice.

you think, eyes still closed until you hear some chaos in the distance.

what's happening?

Why is heaven so noisy? Are they partying because I’ve arrived? Was I actually an angel all this time am I coming home?

Ah you think this must be the angels- I knew all those days spent doing charity would help me.

You open your eyes and you’re met with bambi eyes staring back at you.

Slowly you begin to piece the rest of your angel together.

“Jeon Jungkook? “

You try and raise your voice to compliment your surprise, but it comes out in a more whisper.

“But this, Jungkook, you were an angel all this time? “you say.

His eyebrows knot together in confusion.

“What are you talking about strawberry?”

You gasp.

"Do we all get code names in heaven? You’re a pretty angel Jungkook. “

Then your eyes zero in on the scar on his cheek.

“Aren’t Angel’s supposed to be blemish free? Is that? Are you fallen? Wait.... for me? Are you my angel Jungkook? “

His eyes, which had previously shown confusion are now coloured with amusement.

“You talk a lot don’t you my little strawberry”.

You vaguely hear the sounds behind you before you begin to feel drowsy and fall limp the arms of your unexpected angel.

Jungkook was, of course no angel, your delirious ass was just doing and saying delirious things. You were going to be mortified when you woke up.

When you come to your room in a dark room, tucked into a warm bed. Your headaches aches as if someone is using a sledgehammer to hit it every second.

‘Agh’ you let out a pained groan.

What even happened? you wonder in your head.

You move quickly, getting out of bed ignoring your protesting limbs. You almost reach the doors until a pair of arms trap you.

‘woah woah where do you think you're going?’

You let out a scream, completely startled. A hand comes to cover your mouth.

‘man, you really do have a set of lungs, don’t you? ‘

You stop struggling in his embrace to match his voice to a face. Its familiar.

‘Jeon Jungkook?’ you let a little unsure and panic still evident in your voice.

‘your one and only’

You frown.

‘mine?’

He smirks at you,

‘that's right yours strawberry’.

You shake your head.

‘are you smoking something? Are you high right now?’

He pouts a little then, it changes his look completely. He looks a little cute.

‘you don't remember? ‘ he cocks his head to the side and points to himself. ‘I'm your angel’.

You scoff.

‘Please in what world are YOU an angel? You're far from it’.

Then it all comes back to you.

Jungkook watches as the realisation begins to show on your face.

‘Oh my god I had a concussion, you cannot be serious right now ‘

He chuckles.

'The words still came out of your mouth' Jungkook counters, he leans closer to you, his face way to close for your liking.

You feel your face grow warm from his proximity, but you don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that.

You scoff and push him away.

‘You're insane’.

He accepts the distance you've placed between the two of you and he chooses to smirk at you from where he is standing.

‘And you're crazy for me’.

You let out an incredulous laugh, not believing him.

‘Oh, my lord, please shut up for the sake of my sanity’.

He chuckles at your flustered state and you scramble your brain to find a change of subject.

‘okay whatever now just excuse me because I need to go back to my room’.

You move to begin walking to the door, but his voice halts your movements.

‘This is your room now’.

You whip around to face him.

‘What?! Ha as if Jeon, why would they room us together- were supposed to separate for the opposite genders- which I totally get when you're involved’ you say disbelief painting your voice. You whisper the last part though.

He puts his hands into his pockets and shrugs.

‘Protection?’

You set him a hard stare.

‘Save your lame ass men superiority talks for someone else i am having a severe case of I'm not interested’.

Why the hell would you need Jungkook for protection, it reeks of patriarchy and you hate it.

He shrugs.

‘Listen princess I don't know why either really to be honest but I'm not complaining-’

You don't bother entertaining him for much longer.

This can't be true. You cannot be paired into a room with him. He cannot be your new roommate - heck now tiffany doesn't seem so bad. Flirting asshole, you mutter under your breath as you begin searching for your teacher.

You only learn a bitter truth, due to the collapsing of the room you had to be relocated into another room and the only person without a roommate was Jungkook. They ‘trusted’ you enough that you would be able to handle it and not to do anything you were not supposed to.

‘We trust you, y/n’ was what she had told you.

You spend your time cursing out both her and Jungkook as you gather your belongings to move into your new room.

You're so caught up in your own thoughts that you don't notice a foot that comes out to trip you.

You look up and see the faces of three stupid bitches.

Tiffany Jessica and Irene.

They seemed to consider themselves above everybody else, though you've no idea why. Aside from flawless looks they seemed to live pretty empty life in your eyes. They were living definitions of empty shells walking around.

You get up quietly from the ground, you'll gain nothing from engaging with them, maybe you'd lose a few brainless. You just want to go back and rest - your head is killing you.

But to your disappointment they begin to talk.

‘Well, well well, if it isn't the school's new slut moving into MY boyfriend's room’.

You have to let a little laugh at this. This one is seriously deluded. Jungkook didn't do relationships you knew that. Everybody knew that. They had hooked up about 3 months ago and even though he does his best to ignore her she still insists that he is her boyfriend. It's just pathetic and a bit sad you suppose. Her obvious attraction to him which he just does not reciprocate.

She becomes enraged at your actions.

‘listen here you little bitch you better not even think of starting anything with my man-’ she spits out at you.

You snap back then, unable to hold your tongue.

‘I am not a slut, and I will not go after your man- which fyi he is not. He is a human and he doesn’t belong to you he never has’

She grows red at your words.

‘you little piece of shit-’

She raises her hand but just then a voice interrupts her and she halts her actions.

‘well if it isn't my new roomie, l’ll take that from you strawberry’ Jungkook says, too cheery for your liking, your still contemplating hitting Jessica.

Jessica begins speaking up, but he ignores her turning to you.

Your mouth almost drops open at his dismissal of Jessica but then again, she is annoying, and he cannot be immune to that.

‘Jungkoooook’ she whines when he doesn’t respond to her the first time.

He still doesn’t entertain her.

He moves to take your things from you, but she speaks again, latching onto his arm.

‘just leave her -cshe's just an annoying stuck-up bitch’.

He responds to this under his breath laughing.

‘reminds me of someone ’

She doesn't understand his comment.

‘huh?’ she says almost comically.

‘who baby?’ she pouts at him ‘my poor baby having to deal with such people, just leave with me and we can-’

‘no’ he sets her with a hard stare.

It's like she has forgotten that you're there, so you decide to use this to your advantage, letting Jungkook deal with them. You move to get your suitcase, but a hand stops yours. Its Jungkook.

‘I don’t think so strawberry - I'll be getting those for you’.

You turn to look at him scowl adorning your features.

‘I don’t need your help Jeon’.

He smirks at you.

‘no no - I insist’.

He dismisses Jessica with a wave of his hand and begins to walk away your suitcase in his hand, which prompts you to follow along.

‘What. Was. That. Jungkook?!’ you say when the door closes, you’re fuming because he had made it seem as though you were dating or doing things together which meant that they would keep bothering you, which is just something that you don’t want.

He turns around to face you.

‘oh, don’t get your panties in such a twist, I just needed to get the fuck away from her’.

He sounds angry and this is the Jungkook that you are more accustomed to. Not the flirty one you have been seeing. Hopefully he had given up on whatever he was trying to achieve with that. He was a rude asshole who was just to used to seeing things come out in his favour.

‘excuse me, you just fuelled her whack ass thoughts and next time don’t use me as your escape route’ you say matching his hostile tone.

‘oh, don’t be such a priss, it saved you as much as it saved me’.

An exasperated noise escapes your throat.

‘well maybe you should have kept it in your pants lover boy’.

He sets you with a hard stare.

‘oh, shut up - you don’t know me’ he grits out.

You cock your head to the side much like he had done to you earlier in the day.

‘hmmm I think I know you pretty well Jungkook, you're not as unreadable as you like to think, Jeon Jungkook the infamous bad boy who uses girls to fuel his ego and is used by girls to fuel their own ego and status quo among their own stupid--’

You do not get to finish you sentence however because you're harshly being pinned to the door. His grip on you is hard and it stings but you meet his gaze.

‘shut the fuck up y/n’ the tone of his voice is almost carnal, animal like.

You seriously had hit a nerve.

‘I go beyond your perceptions of me- you little miss goody two shoes’.

You spit back in his face.

‘I've yet to see you act more like a crazed rabbit Jungkook and to be honest I don’t plan on finding out the depths of your character either. I don’t fucking care about you’.

You push him aside and move to unpack your suitcase.

He mutters something under his breath that you can't hear, and he walks out slamming the door behind him.

‘well, that was fun’ you say and begin to take out your notes and books that you will need through the day.

When you wake up the next you feel like you’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. The painkillers had given you the illusion that you were okay. You look a mess, you're tired, you cannot believe that this happened. You had been looking forward to this for so long, they had told you that another student would be collecting your data. Your new roommate. Jeon Jungkook. He was going to be collecting your data.

This is preposterous! He would probably sabotage you on purpose! This cannot happen, but they wouldn’t budge from their choice. You huff as you look out of the window, where you could be collecting your data along with the other students. Darn you and your curiosity.

They always did say didn’t they- that curiosity killed the cat.

Your walking around the room, pacing- that’s how bored you are. You had reorganised your things 3 times and colour coded all you notes, redrew your graphs, you had done everything that you thought would keep you busy but here you are sitting with nothing to do. You look around the room see Jungkook's things laying on the ground.

You sigh into the empty room again and just lay down waiting for them to come back. You end up falling asleep.

You're stirred from your sleep, quite rudely by a book being thrown at the foot of your bed. You sit up, still groggy and look at Jungkook.

‘what the hell man’

He stares at you blankly.

‘There's your work priss’

You're not bothered by his hostile tone instead open the book and seeing what he had done, or you suppose looking at it what he had not done. The more you look at the work the more the frown on your face deepens.

‘what the hell is this Jungkook?’

He looks up at you annoyed.

‘the work? Thought you were meant to be a genius?’

You scowl at him.

‘this Jungkook? Is unacceptable a nursery kid could do way better than this !’

He rolls his eyes at you.

‘and? That’s what you're going to get priss so deal with it’.

You make an exasperated sigh.

‘you've used the wrong measurement and everything Jungkook’.

‘look - I don’t care. I didn’t want to do this for you anyway’.

‘like I wanted YOU to do it for me’.

You sigh,

You keep bumping into him everywhere, you know he is your roommate but he is always there at the cafeteria taking the last donut which you had been craving pushing in line, making unnecessary comments and he makes the room so messy!

It’s the same thing for the next few outings, Jungkook comes with the same half assed versions of the data you need.

You try, you really you try so hard to use the data sets he provided but its no use. They're absolutely useless, so you decide to take matters into your own hands.

Your going to sneak out early in the morning, you have to sneak past the guards which as you’ve gathered won't be as hard as one may think because they are not good or much invested in their job anyway.

You prepare yourself and head to set out in the morning. You quietly get up so as not to disturb or wake Jungkook. If he sees you, you know that there will be trouble.

You throw on a hoodie and grab a notebook, a pen and your watch. You have to be back before anyone can notice that you're gone. You steel yourself one last time, giving yourself a pep talk and sneak out. You hold your breath as you walk past the room of your supervisor and out the back door of the cabins.

This isn't so bad you think. Once you're out of sight of the guards and you think your safe, you let out a sigh of relief and do a little shimmy out of your happiness. You are so pleased and proud of yourself. What you didn’t know that behind you, watching your every move was a boy covered in tattoos with a cigarette in his hand watching you with an amused face.

Jungkook was, not as you thought asleep when you had snuck out. He was also outside, leaning on the side of the building a cigarette in his hand, he couldn’t sleep that night, it happened to him on most nights so he routinely wakes up to have a smoke. On this particular day there is not the usual eerie morning silence that he is used to, but a few grunts and hisses to accompany it. He furrows his brows.

Is that? He thinks y/n!?!?!?!?!?

No way he thinks what the hell is she up to?

Then he catches sight of your notebook and pen.

'Oh, what a nerd' he mutters under his breath. Then he smirks.

He can totally use this to his advantage.

He stubs his cigarette, pulls his hoodie over his head and follows you.

Your heart is still racing you honestly cannot believe that you. l/n f/n are doing this.

‘What a badass’ you say into the silence.

‘Badass? Sneaking out to do bloody work is your idea of badass?’ a voice speaks up behind you.

You shriek startled and are met with Jungkook.

Why is it always him?

‘what in the bloody tarnation's.... are you trying to kill me Jungkook?!’ you say putting your hand on your heart.

He grins pleased at the reaction he had elicited from you.

He cocks his head to the side.

‘what the hell are you doing here ?!’ you hiss at him.

‘could ask you the same thing strawberry’ he replies.

You look at him.

You were so sure that you had been quiet, how could he be here to ruin everything.

‘you do realise that I actually have name, and it's not strawberry’ you say to him.

He shrugs.

‘Yeah but you always smell like them’.

You scoff;

‘and you always reek of cigarettes.’

He frowns but then asks you again.

‘what are you doing here?’

You think of excuses,

‘I'm - I'm on a walk’ you say.

He lifts his eyebrow up.

‘a walk?’

You nod.

‘that's right for my daily exercise its been a pain to be stuck indoors’.

He snorts.

‘you're on a walk with your graph paper pad and pencil case?’

You curse inside your head.

‘yeah I am a nerd after all’ you say, hoping and praying that he’ll just let you go on your way.

He doesn’t

‘I don’t know, you look awfully suspicious to me, do tell why you're heading to the sight of our data collection points when the trail track is in the opposite direction?’ he says.

You rack your brains for an answer.

‘well, I like an adventure’ you say, standing straight.

‘oh, is that so?’ he says laughter infiltrating his tone.

‘yes’, you say meeting his eyes.

‘hmm’ he says ‘I don’t believe you’ he says.

‘do you wanna know what I think?’ he continues.

He takes one step closer to you.

‘I think that our resident miss goody two shoes is sneaking off when told specifically that she can't’ his gaze burns into yours

You feel yourself going red out of embarrassment.

‘I literally have no idea what you're talking about Jungkook' you say breathless.

He leans closer and you can feel his body heat, he continues to bore his eyes into your own and you almost fall into his gaze until you feel your book being snatched out of your hand.

‘HEY!’ you say reaching for it.

But he holds it higher than himself, opens it to the last written on page.

‘new data collection points’ he reads out ‘and oh would you look at that ! It has todays dates written on it’ he says looking down at you with a squint in his eyes.

You huff.

‘well obviously I had to do this because how on earth could I let your lame ass results and data reading be used for my final piece – I'm not looking to fail’ you say venom laced in every word.

He scowls at you.

‘there was nothing wrong with my results princess’ he grits out.

‘oh, please save it’ you snap back ‘you didn’t even use the same measurements – your hopeless’.

‘well, if I'm so fucking useless you should do my work for me’ he says.

You set him a level stare.

‘what?’

‘you heard me’ he says with a roll of his eyes.

‘and why in the hell would I do that? I don’t care if you fail Jungkook, heck I don’t care if you get kicked out’ you tell him.

He shakes his head.

‘well, I mean I could go back right now and tell Miss Taylor-’ he begins.

You narrow your eyes at him.

‘You wouldn’t dare’.

He holds a staring contest with you.

‘oh, wouldn’t I?’ he says.

You both hold each other's gazes before you give in.

You cannot believe the audacity of this asshole.

‘fine whatever asshole’ you say folding your arms and turning around.

He grins in victory and places your notebook back into your hands.

‘chop chop partner get to it’ he says.

You glare at him.

‘partners pull equal weight Jungkook ‘

He rolls his eyes.

‘I don’t really care – you just need to get a move on’.

You turn around no longer wanting to deal with his annoying ass.

You make it forward a few steps before you stop and turn around.

‘why are you following me?’ you ask him.

He rolls his eyes at your apparent dumbness.

‘well smartass, there is a killer on the loose if you didn’t know’.

You freeze up for a second,

Shit

You had almost forgotten. You don’t let him see that you're scared.

‘and? ‘ you say feigning composure.

‘what the hell are you going to do if he pops out of the woods anyway?’

He shrugs.

‘I dunno actually a lot more than you could do anyway’

You stare at him.

‘I could be a black belt in karate for all you know’.

He laughs.

‘okay princess whatever - I just need to make sure that you're not going to fuck this up’.

So, you turn going to the place you need to, to collect your data pieces.

With having to do Jungkook's work as well, it takes a lot longer to complete than you would have liked.

He is surprisingly bearable in the mornings that you both sneak off though. He doesn’t say much. Just watches you – pretends he isn't though.

You catch him once. Its been about 2 weeks since you started this godawful task, and Jungkook's notes and work were in dire need of help so its taking you time. This time however you meet his gaze before he is able to pull away.

You cock your head to the side.

‘what are you staring at?’ you say placing your hands on your hips.

He says something inaudible under his breath.

‘what was that?’

He snaps at you.

‘do you think you have tie to stand around making idle talk with me? The work ain’t going to do itself princess.’

You huff in annoyance.

How dare he! This was just plain wrong anyway I should not even be doing this, but you knew it was the only way. You couldn't risk getting caught and with Jungkook you wouldn't be surprised if he really did rat you out you to all the teachers. And if he did well, you wouldn’t be receiving a very good reference.

It was during an early morning that you hear Jungkook walk off into the distance. Probably to smoke, such a bad habit you tsk.

But you're also done for the day – so you begin to head back on your own.

You feel the grass brush against your feet as you walk back. You’re humming along to that song that was always on the radio, when you hear it. A little whimper - then a cry. You know that you shouldn’t go to look, you know that you're paying for your curiosity already and you don’t need another thing to happen, but you just cannot help yourself!

You follow the sound, going on a detour from the track.

You do consider yourself somewhat of a badass but a serial killer? Yeah, they kinda scare the shit out of you. You hold your breath and walk as quietly and slowly as you can. You hear the whimper again to your left but its deeper into the woods.

As you walk closer you see a pool of blood - your eyes widen, and your heartbeat becomes erratic.

‘what the fuck?’ you whisper into the silence.

You walk closer to the body of the animal and you can feel your knees grow a little weak you can see a white paper which has been tainted red with the blood of the animal that was killed.

You gasp, taking it up in your hands. Your hands also become stained with the redness.

It's in Morse code.

-.-- --- ..- / ... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. -. .----. - / -... . / .-- .- -. -.. . .-. .. -. --. / --- ..- - / .- .-.. --- -. .

(YOU SHOULDN'T BE WANDERING OUT ALONE)

You look at it for a while and rack your brains to be able to translate it but no such look. Your mind is busy running at 100miles per hour. As you try and clear your head and look at the note one more time, but a noise in the distance pulls you way from any semblance of concentration that you could have obtained.

You frantically look around trying to locate where the sound had come from. Your senses are all on a high right now. You shove the piece of paper into your pocket and begin to go back the way that you came. After the first few steps you begin running your head running wild with the idea of being found dead in ditch. Your nearly at the main path which you had strayed from. You make it onto the path, and you bend over catching your breath when two arms encircle you from behind.

You let out a scream.

A hand is placed over your mouth.

‘shut the fuck up y/n’.

You recognise THAT voice. Its Jeon Jungkook. Why is this motherfucker always trying to scare you? Your turn around and hit him on the chest,

‘what the actual hell Jeon, you gave me a bloody heat attack and a half’.

He doesn’t respond. He is looking at you, his eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes have a glint of anger. He is furious.

‘where the fuck did you go y/n?’ he says, he holds your wrist stopping you from hitting him again.

He holds it in the air holding your gaze.

‘I was.... walking back’ you didn't want him to know what you had found. He would probably tell you it was a bad idea to even translate it. Which it was, but what is life if not for taking risks?

You yank your hand from his grasp.

He looks at you an unreadable expression on his face.

“you’re a fucking liar “he says.

You scoff.

“oh please, what’s it to you anyway jungkook, you left me first “

He doesn’t say anything, but observes you, trying to look for signs of what you’re hiding.

He had found one too, a dead animal and a note written in Morse.

But he could read it and he knew he was in trouble

“Be careful, or your little girlfriend may be snatched from right under your arms “

He swore under his breath as he read it and immediately began to make his way back to you.

“strawberry?” he calls out but you’re not there.

You’re not there and he hates the feeling of dread that sits in his stomach.

He runs back the way you came, but he still finds no trace of you

“fucking hell where did she go?”

He almost gives up and is going to tell the police when you appear before him, out of breath and you look terrified.

He knows you’re lying, if you were where, you said you were, he would have seen you.

He narrows his eyes at you again.

“I left for two seconds and you ran off. Where the fuck did you go? “

He asks, he wants you tell him, needs you to, he’s overcome with this sense to protect you but you don’t trust him. He needs to change that.

He lets you believe that you have him fooled, that he believes your story and he begins to walk back to the cabins right before the call for breakfast is sounded. You follow after him breathing in a sigh of relief that he had believed you.

That night you find it difficult to sleep. You need to find out the meaning of the Morse code, but you don't have access to a book that will help you translate, meaning that you will have to ask around without looking too suspicious.

You decide that a police officer would do nicely, if you seem overly invested in their job, they would just give you the information.

You spot the officer who looks younger than most, you remember his name.

Park Jimin.

You approach him cautiously.

“Officer park?”

He turns around to face you, smiling softly.

Oh, he’s cute you think.

“yes miss?”

You smile at him warmly.

“nothing serious it’s just that I was wondering if you would like some company, it must be a little boring for you out here on your own “

You say to him and you’re glad you asked him because either way his face breaks out into a smile that has your heart fluttering.

“how very kind of you miss! And yes, a little company wouldn't hurt “, he grins at you.

As you strike up conversation, with the officer you fail to notice a figure dressed in black listening in on your conversation. Jungkook listens in as you try and get information out of officer. He knew it. You had also come across the same note, as he had. He wonders what yours said.

He leaves after a bit, leaving both of you oblivious to the fact that he was even there in the first place.

When you get back to your room, you see Jungkook sitting at the foot of his bed frown on his face.

You ignore him and write down the information you'd just got given by Officer Park. You felt a little bad manipulating him when he was so nice but you just had to know what it meant.

Jungkook speaks up.

“that was a nice conversation you were having with Officer Park “

He says,

You whip you’re head up to look at him and closing your notebook harshly.

“What? Were you eavesdropping on my conversation?”

He rolls his eyes

“Why would I be listening to the conservation of the school nerd with a cop? No, I just happened to hear in passing “

You let out a breath that you didn’t know you were holding.

“That’s mighty rude of y-" you begin to retort before he cuts you off

“what’s a biology nerd like you need with Morse code?” He asks.

Your mind malfunctions for a moment until you bring yourself back together.

“A little extra knowledge hurts no one you know?” you say appearing nonchalant.

He narrows his eyes

“I know it”

You look at him

“you do?”

He nods,

“why need something translating?” he tries.

You think about it, but ultimately decided against showing him the note you found.

You have no clue what it says. You don’t want him understanding before you do.

You shake your head,

“No, I don’t “

You say, deciding enough is enough and you need to sleep now to be up in the morning.

The next morning you sleep in, meaning that you couldn’t do the work that was set out for you. You stretch and moan as you get out of bed when you sit up and open your eyes fully your locks onto the Bambi ones from across the room. You let out a shriek!

‘What the hell why were you watching me you creeper!’ you say pointing a finger at Jungkook.

He rolls his eyes at you.

‘oh, please don’t flatter yourself’.

‘why didn’t you wake me up? Its so late !’ you question him.

He looks at you and says words that you don’t think that you would hear.

‘I think that we should lay off for a bit strawberry’

You look at him in shock

‘but why!?’

He doesn’t really give you much of an answer in his usual Jungkook manner.

You sigh.

Over the next few weeks, you rarely bump into Jungkook, you see him sometimes in the cafeteria and you can always feel him just watching you it makes you grow warm when you notice his staring.

Jungkook is also going crazy. You drive him crazy.

You guess that you'll have to work at the same pace as everyone, truthfully you had actually caught up with your work that was missed a while ago, you were just doing extra readings to stay ahead. One step ahead of everyone. But you guess that that is going to be changed now.

It had been a while since you had been on your morning trips with jungkook and though you hate to admit it, you kind of missed it.

He wasn't as bad company as you thought he would be, he was oddly quiet which meant that without him talking as much, you really got to admire his beauty. And good lord was he handsome, you understand why people are attracted to him, when his mouth is closed, he’s fine. Basically, you became a little horny when you saw him, it had been ages since you had had sex even masturbated, since you now had room with him.

Jungkook has such strong sharp features which sometimes go all soft, if he pouts while he’s thinking or a bird catches his attention, his eyes will go big and doe like. It's cute. Everybody had two sides you suppose, yours was your horny side (lol what)

Okay maybe, more time to admire him was a bad thing, you did not need to have sexual fantasies with him, no, that was a big no no.

It's been a few weeks since Jungkook had asked you to lay low for a while and in that time, you had been asking around about the killer to the police. You tried your best not to seem suspicious about it though, if they caught on – well it wouldn’t exactly end well. So, you make slow progress, you did make progress though, however.

You could now understand the note and while it scared you, it also ignited something in you that you didn’t even know that you possessed inside of you. You wanted to outdo him, you want to find him, lead him into a trap or something like that anyway. You want to catch him.

Something in the back of your mind is telling you begging you to stop being so stupid, but you ignore and continue to daydream about catching this bastard.

But it can only cure your boredom for a while – you get bored and what better to do when you're bored than to read erotica novels?

You had packed this book with you – the secrets of the alluring painter in France. You had taken to reading at night time on some nights.

Like tonight.

You need a wind down, so you pull out your book, and it has such racy scenes that leave you clenching around nothing.

Your sexual imagination goes wild when you read the erotica in the book and the way they make it seem so fiery, you were no virgin - you knew what sex was like, but never has it been close to the way it is in the book.

You’ve allowed yourself to fall into this horrible habit, at night, when Jungkook is asleep to touch yourself, play with yourself, pretending it is you who is being touched by Kim Taehyung the painter with many secrets.

You feel yourself growing more frustrated with each passage you read, it becomes a little irritating and, you have to touch yourself or you'll go crazy, the man in the book was doing it so well, so hot.

Kim Taehyung, he was described as an utter beauty, soft black hair and soft eyes, a deep voice that just made the reader swoon, you close your eyes and reach your hands down to your shorts, they slip past the hem.

You wish you could moan, wish that you could be vocal, like you were in your bedroom when it was just you and your pillow, but there was one big problem and that was Jeon Jungkook.

Why did you have to room with him?

You lighten your breathing and listen for signs of him being awake, but he seems to be breathing really deep, he is asleep you assure yourself.

You turn the lamp off, at the side of your bed, setting the book on the bedside table.

You trail your hand down your stomach, much like Taehyung had done to the main character, he slowly lets his fingers flutter over the top of her shorts, and you do the same. You build the tension, like it's his beautiful hands working against you.

You pause and let your fingers slip past the hem of your panties, you trace over the fabric covering you - first over your mound, stroking sensually.

How had Taehyung done it?

Right yes, he had used his nails slightly and grazed over lightly, a slight pressure but nothing that hurt - it was just enough to make you squirm under your own touch.

You feel your own wetness, feel how obscene it is in the darkness of the night.

Jungkook is right there, and while it scares you, it also thrills you, you feel a new wave of arousal and adrenaline when you remember he is there.

Slowly and as quietly as possible you shuffle, moving to take your shorts off, it's a little loud but you think that you're okay, Jungkook is out like a log. After a moment you continue to tease yourself.

Running your fingertips over your lips, pressing down on your hole and clenching, withholding the need to hiss.

You raise your hand further and your fingers land right at the centre of your pleasure.

Your clit. Oh, the beautiful bundle of nerves.

You cover your mouth with a hand to stifle the moan that you almost let out when you begin to rub small circles around the sensitive nub.

When you can’t get enough your panties are next to go, and when the cold air hits your wet centre you have to hold your breath, shaky.

You reach down and gather your slick slowly, spreading it all over your centre, making yourself drown in your own arousal, you use your middle and ring finger to slide up and down at a pace that leaves you edged and eager for more, you need to bring yourself to the very edge to get yourself the release that you’re after, you free hand travels up to your ever sensitive boobs, you play with them, brushing over the nipple, making them perk and then groping them while you rub at your clit.

A dirty thought crosses your mind, when you remember the boy who was asleep across from you.

What if, he was the one to touch, the one touching you, with those beautiful hands of his, those big hands.

You stifle another moan, as you think about him, hovering over you, giving it to you just right. You had heard that Jungkook could actually make a girl cum while having sex, that made you a little interested. It’s just he always opens his mouth and is an ass and ruins everything. But right now, in your imagination, only his looks and reputation matter, you twist and turn his character to be someone that you can gain pleasure from.

You can the pleasure increase and you begin to fasten your speed until you feel the signs of your orgasm and then you pull away. Edging yourself.

Your breathing is a little heavy and your work on controlling it, both your hands go to fondle your breasts and you unconsciously lift your hips, humping the air, you lean down again and enter three fingers easily into your own heat.

The squelching sound heard is deafening in the silent room, your cheeks burn red and you pull out slowly, so that was a no no, you would have to focus on your clit for you orgasm. Which was fine because you were so sensitive from playing with yourself, you know that it would only take a few more strokes to get there.

You press the fingers that were just inside of you, against your sensitive bud and you rub in slowly circles and then fastening your place and then slowing once more.

Jungkook comes into your mind again, ugh, now his lips, his pretty pink lips and the way he licks them, and the way they glisten under the sun. What if they were attached to your clit, if he was using his face to give you pleasure, like Taehyung had done to the main character of the novel, God it was so filthy.

Its driving you insane and you love it, the frustration will only make your release all the more powerful.

After a while you feel the fire blooming in your bottom of your stomach, and you quicken your pace to the point where you feel light and the waves of pleasure rack over your whole body.

You press your hand to your mouth again to conceal the gasps that are escaping you, you sigh and fall back onto your pillow feeling so much better and lighter.

Gosh did that feel good. You were aware that in your mind alarms were going off in your mind. You had thought of Jungkook while masturbating. It was a line you have no idea why you crossed. How would you look him in the eye now?

After a while, you pull up your panties and shorts and you promise yourself a shower in the morning.

What you didn't know was that the raven-haired boy of your fantasies was in fact awake and now painfully hard as he listened to your filthy little moans and gasps, he grabs his own member in his pants, strokes slowly. He spreads the pre-cum over his member before setting the fast pace that he liked, his breaths through his nose – to conceal the way his breathing has become strained. His hair becomes damp from sweat and it sticks to his forehead. He came much faster that he would care to admit the thought of you right there yet unreachable the fact that you were so NAUGHTY under all that good girl.

Turning him on, making him needy.

He breathes heavy, thinking of you under him as he squirts out cum into his pants, Jungkook too showers in the morning after you.

After this Jungkook stays up at night, listening to you, seeing if you would do it again, you do and, on those nights, Jungkook cums at the same time as you. He feels a little pathetic, he knows that he can fuck a lot of girls in the class right, but it wasn't you, God he wants it to be you writhing underneath him.

It’s the next morning and you're getting ready for your shower.

You're gathering your clothes and shampoo and creams into a little bundle and are about to open the door to the shower, when it is opened for you. The song that you were softly humming gets stuck in your throat when you register that the door was opened by Jungkook.

A very naked Jungkook.

Your face grows red, and your eyes wander over his gorgeous body, the tattoos that trail up his arm and a few on his waist, God they looked amazing.

Your ogling comes to a stop when he clears his throat. Oh, shit you think - I was staring. You quickly look up and your eyes meet Jungkook's.

He is smirking at you and as soon as you meet his gaze, he lets his own wander over body – taken in the skin that was exposed in your pyjama shorts and a t-shirt that had been small for you since you turned 13 years old.

He looks up and down your body brazenly before meeting your eyes. He licks his lips, and you zero in on it. God it was so annoying that he was this hot.

How could this be happening now? When you had spent a while avoiding him? And him you? Why did this happen after you were thinking of him last night? Oh god you grow red again and you think what if he had heard you? God, that would be embarrassing. You look at his lips again, avoiding his gaze again but maybe his eyes would have been a better option because as soon as you look at his lips, the same filthy thoughts come back to you - you shift uncomfortably trying to calm yourself. In that time, you don't notice but Jungkook has come closer to you.

You register his closeness when a water droplet from his hair falls onto your cheek. You move away slightly.

You don’t realise it but in your extended silence of checking each other out the both of you have moved closer to each other. There is no longer what people would call a healthy distance between the two of you anymore. He looks down at you and licks his lips again. His hair is wet and the way he runs his hand through it – he looks so good like this. Your dirty thoughts run wild again. Its only when another water droplet from his hair falls onto your cheek that you finally snap out of it. You move a step back.

“You look a little hot strawberry is anything the matter?” He asks you, a teasing lilt on his voice.

It’s way too early for this, you cannot be dealing with this right now, not when your mind has gone on a memory flashback to last night and he was right here in front you, so very naked.

Still, you feign your ever composed self.

“I’m just fine” you say through gritted teeth.

“I need to shower and your kind of standing in my way” you tell him.

He chuckles, a deep chuckle, gosh how are you this horny in the morning? Stop it y/n you think.

“I don't think you really mind though do you strawberry, you seem to have a very different secretive side” he says, cocking his head to the side.

You blush, shit had he heard you?

“I have no idea what you're talking about Jungkook” you say to him “I need to shower though”.

You move to get away from his hearted stare but just before you enter the washroom, a hand grabs onto your wrist and pulls you back.

Jungkook looks at you, a deep and confusing stare.

“Be careful, it’s quite wet in there” he says and then his tongue pokes into the side of his cheek. Then suddenly, he lets you go and walks off to his side of the room, your left in shock at his words and quickly scurry to get into the bedroom before more heated tension breaks through.

You shake your head of all thoughts and quickly go into the shower, what you don’t realise is that you accidently drop something, the note with the raven-haired boy who you had left in the bedroom.

Its later on during this day that Jungkook approaches you.

'Hey strawberry’ he says to you.

You raise your eyebrows at him, what’s with his sudden kindness.

‘hey’ you reply voice dipped in surprised.

‘Oh, shut up, I just came to talk to you’.

You look at him.

‘I didn’t say anything but okay…. talk then’ you gesture your hands between your two bodies.

He lets out an exasperated gasp.

‘The note – did you find one?’ he asks. You still in the next sip of coffee that you were going to take. You feel yourself grow cold. How did he find out?

He looks at you.

‘So, you did’.

‘I didn’t say that’ you say tone slightly higher than normal – you were a terrible liar.

He laughs at you

‘Hmm is that so?’

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about Jungkook’.

He looks at you, more serious this time.

“Listen y/n there's no point playing dumb, I found your stupid note anyway”.

You watch mortified as he pulls out the note that you had thought was in your pocket. Well shit then.

“I- I have never seen that before in my life Jungkook” you can't let him know; he would ruin everything - you convince yourself.

He looks at you, he’s getting annoyed that you're lying to him. He pokes his tongue against his cheek again.

“I suggest you stop lying”.

You scoff.

“Why would I ever need to lie to you your nobody to me Jungkook”.

Something akin to hurt flashes across his face for a few seconds before he slams his hands on the table.

“I don’t think you know what you're even getting into strawberry”.

You gather your belongings getting up, you need to get away from him.

“And I don't think you know what the fuck you're talking about Jungkook”.

You walk off leaving him there, but he follows after you,

“Listen I found one too, you don't need to be miss hero or anything”.

You carry on walking, not bothering to give him an answer, he would want to tell the teachers and everyone, they would cancel the trip and then how would you finish gathering your evidence? No, he was insane.

“I don’t know what you're talking about”.

‘you think your so fucking slick, don’t you? Asking around and acting unsuspicious but your wrong I could sense your stupid plan from a mile away’ he says to you, pulling you on your arm effectively stopping you so you can't walk away from him anymore. You struggle out of his hold.

‘and so, what? So, what if you know? What the hell are you going to do Jungkook? Tell on me? Are you going to threaten to tell the teachers because you know what? I’ve been thinking about it and I think they would much rather take my word for yours and all this work I’ve been doing for you – I could easily go right now and show the teachers and say that you forced me to do it!! ’

He looks at you angrily, looks like he is going to swear or curse you out but then his face relaxes.

‘you say that baby, but the truth is I have money and you don’t if I want to manipulate something I can because I have the means and power to do so, my dad's made himself something while yours totted away in the fucking garbage can’.

You feel the anger come over you and he smirks at you.

‘real fucking classy Jeon, yeah insult my parents – like it's their fault they were born into a world where people are born with silver spoons on their mouth, and at least my parents love me Jungkook’

His eyes flash with hurt

‘how do you now my parents don't love me you little bitch?’

You laugh an empty laugh at his face.

‘just look at you – you’re the very definition of boohoo my parents don't love me so I'm going to kick up a mess, so they notice me for once’.

He groans in frustration at your words then.

Somehow amidst your confrontation with Jungkook you had managed to reach your room, why are you here? Why did your feet have to leave you here?

You walk into the room and as soon as he gets in, Jungkook grabs you by the wrist and pins you against the door, your books and pencils fly across the room and while your mortified - he doesn't even bat an eyelid.

Your breathing is both heavy as you look each other in the eyes, waiting for the other to say something.

You struggle against his hold, uselessly, curse him for doing his workout routine every morning.

“You found the fucking note y/n when you went missing in the woods that day, the note that’s in Morse code, the note that you spent a week trying to decode, don't act fucking dumb” he grits out.

You still try and keep up your act,

“I have no clue in the world what you're talking Jeon, I think you're going fucking insane” you seethe out

He growls, yes, he growls.

“Your seriously fucking pissing me off now, I know you did, I know you found it”.

“Fuck off, Jungkook does it look like I care if I am fucking pissing you off”.

He looks into your eyes again and whispers something like “fucking priss” before he is connecting your lips in a kiss, a kiss that is full of ego, passion and heat. You can feel in searing through your body so fiery, setting your nerves alight.

He is relentless in his pace. His mouth against yours and God indeed Jungkook is good kisser. Before you knees grow weak you move your hands to tangle in his hair and you pull at the end causing him groan against his lips, when he does you swipe your tongue into his mouth getting a taste. You pull harder, and he groans again. It was a sound that you know you would like to hear again.

His hands move from the door and one tangles in your hair while the other presses harshly on your waist. You gasp at the pleasure and at this he takes over, he fights your own tongue for dominance and once he wins, he is rough, he wants all his saliva in your mouth, wants his taste on you, wants you to feel him in every way.

When he knows that your just as enthralled by his kisses he pulls back to taunt you - whispering the words against you bruised lips.

“You act like such a fucking little priss don't you? Act like your better than me? Lying to me? Fuck you drive me insane”.

He attacks your neck now, leaving open mouthed kisses along your ear and neck. He nibbles lightly at a few areas and when he gets to just the right place - where your breath hitches and you move your thighs together he bites down harshly without warning and you try you best to suppress your moans. Not wanting to give him any satisfaction.

“I am better than you” you say to him breathlessly, “I don’t just act like it, I am”.

He bites harder at that and you wince - Jungkook is painting you skin wine and purple and your letting him and it feels so goddamn good. He pulls you back by the hair to look at him,

“You don't look much better than me when you are bending at my will, when you're looking so fucked out and I’ve done is fucking kiss you”.

Your answer is swallowed by a moan that you let out as he takes you breasts into his big hands, and squeezes hard, you pull him up from your neck and kiss him again, his lips, your lips bruising and fighting against one another.

He trails his hand down further and dances around the hem of your pants for a while, and you place your own over his, just as your about to lead him further down a knock is heard at your door.

You both freeze

“y/n?” A voice calls out.

You calm yourself before answering, still a little shaky.

“Yes?”

“Our guest speaker has arrived, I just thought you might like to ask him a few questions before he gives his talk”.

Jungkook swears under his breath, raking a hand through his hair.

“You fucking nerd”.

He pulls you back by your pony tail and the back of your head lands on his shoulder, he tilts you slightly, so he has better access to kiss and leave more marks against your skin.

“Ah- I thank you, I’ll come in an ah- while” you say, and you hear the footsteps walk off, Jungkook spins you around and he goes to kiss you again, but you pull away.

“No, just, stop I have to go and talk”.

He looks at you “you fucking nerd” he kisses you once more, like he can't get enough of your mouth.

You pull away again.

uh what in the fuck just happened you think.

This was not meant to happen.

“Look Jungkook, I did, that is my note and I- I’ll, we can talk just not now, okay? I-I have to go. This is important"

He doesn't say anything, just watches as you fix your appearance in the mirror, an appearance he had ruined, and he smirks a little in triumph. He watches as you gather your books that had been thrown onto the floor and he watches as your ass is on display for him and God, he wishes he could grab a handful, but he doesn’t. He just watches.

You walk out the room, without so much as looking at him again and he feels oddly rejected.

He knows that you had felt good, he had heard you groan against his mouth, grind against his clothed member but he hadn't ever been walked out on before. He's not sure what exactly he is feeling. Its not a good feeling - that he was walked out on and for some old ass lecturer too.

He watches the door close, and he sits and waits for you to finish being a nerd. But truthfully it is a little hot to him that you’re so independent, you do things for yourself, your confidence and your wit, it makes you fun, you piss him off, but your company is nicer than the ones that he is used to.

He sighs what the fuck is he getting himself into.

You take a breath as you exit the room,

What in the fuck just happened? you think.

Well, when you promised Jungkook that you would talk to him you hadn't been in your right mind. Why did you agree to that like fuck? You have no idea what to even say. How do you even start that conversation like...?

"Hey, was just wondering if you would like to you know? Go on a hunt for a serial killer with me?"

Gosh this was so stupid and the kiss, gosh your face heats up as you remember the way he had kissed you - oh so sweet and so naughty!

Gosh you were in bad, as an adult you decide to deal with the problem logically, you'll just ignore him. That will work, Jungkook had a small attention span anyway. You're sure he would forget. You really hope he does.

#jungkook x reader #bts fanfic #jungkookxreader #jungkook fanfic #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x you #jungkook fanfiction #jungkook imagine #jungkook series #bts x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #bts imagine #jungkook smut #jungkook #bts imagines #bts angst #bts fluff #e2l

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pianorexic000 · 4 years ago

Text

Sweetspo Saturday

Hi y’all, so today is sweetspo Saturday.......

it speaks for itself. By the way, none of these are mine. I take no credit I have 0 creativity.

I dream of collarbones and thigh gaps, of hips jutting out and ribs just visible, casting shadows on porcelain flesh. I dream of crop tops and denim shorts, of thigh highs and sugar highs. And when I lay in bed at night, counting the calories of the day before my mind can’t help but wander, and I press into my doughy stomach, feel the hips hiding underneath, and remind myself how far I’ve come, and how far I still have to go.

Please listen, I know, I know it’s hard but listen, focus, you, you the most beautiful person on this whole entire planet you are going to make it, I promise you sweetheart, you’re going to make it. Think about it, think about how skinny you’ll be, how happy you will be, how you are going to be able to wear what you want, how you are going to be able to eat what you want and no one is going to make you feel bad for eating, no one. They’re going to be jealous, so fucking jealous, jealous of how you look and how you feel. They’re going to envy you. So stand up, keep your pretty head up and go. Exercise, drink water, eat less, eat healthy, sleep, do yoga, dance around. Get skinny and be finally happy. Please be finally happy.

You’ve been so disappointed in yourself lately. You’ve cursed those girls with a fast metabolism and regretted so much, sweetie. Countless of times you’ve thought, planned and wished to be skinny. I know you want this so badly, honey. But it’s never going to be given to you, sugar. You have to work for it and make yourself proud! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و

I know you’re very impatient with your weight-loss. You want to lose it NOW and would do anything to wake up tomorrow at you ugw. But that’s never going to happen, doll. It’ll take time, but you will get there, sweetie. You just have to be persistent and never give up. The road is very long, and there will be days where it’ll feel hopeless, angel. But i promise you that those days where you feel incredibly sexy and comfortable in your own skin are just around the corner. You’ll get there baby, but it’ll take time. So don’t beat yourself up.

You’ll look good in everything; you remember that bikini with the cute print? yes, you’ll look beautiful in it. you won’t look like a fat pig.

people will be jealous; they’ll envy you. you’ll become thinner while others are getting fatter.

you’ll be dainty; you’ll be the lightest in the room. everyone will be able to pick you up effortlessly.

others will compliment you; people will look at you and say “wow, have you lost weight?” “you look great!” “i wish i looked like you.”

you won’t be able to keep more than a cup of food down; you’ve trained your body, you and your body both know its limits.

you’ll have power; you can can control how you look, you’ll have control. self control instead of eating everything in sight. you’ll be proud when you refuse a chocolate bar someone is offering.

are you going to keep saying “i’ll do it tomorrow”

or are you going to start today?

you’ll get there sweetie, make them regret the day they dare call you fat; they’ll start talking GOOD behind your back; “she is losing so much weight omg” “ i wanna look like her.” “im so jealous of her tiny waist.”

make it happen, you cause the gain of weight

and the loss of weight.

It's Okay!

You were really bad this weekend weren’t you? You ate fatty food and cheated on your diet? I know you bash yourself for pushing yourself further from your goal, but it was just Easter and you were enjoying spending time with your family. Unfortunately that included eating. Thin is all you think about cutie, why would you stuff your face uncontrollably like that, sugar? You can’t stop now, i know it’s hard but it’ll be worth it in the end.

Meanspo

Dear You,

You’ve grown up being the “big” girl. You’ve grown up being the “I want seconds” girl. You entered college being the “let’s eat out because it’s easier” girl.

When will you be the “I eat healthy” girl? The “people can pick me up” girl? The “I love my body” girl?

Today? Oh, right, you say tomorrow. Funny, that’s what you said yesterday.

It’s YOUR fault you’re fat. You don’t control your fatty urges to binge and stuff your face. One day, you’ll regret that. And that day is TODAY. If you regret it, then make a change. Skip that meal. Eat less calories. Exercise and burn what you have consumed and stored from your past pathetic eating habits. Get rid of your fatty urges. BECOME SKINNY…Become beautiful. Because if you don’t start today, you’ll only hate yourself tomorrow… again.

Do it. Do it so you can wear cute short shorts without everyone looking at your thighs and being disgusted.

Do it for that bitch who always called you fat at middle school.

Do it for that fuckboy who never looked at you as girlfriend potencial.

Do it so you can be confident.No seriously you’ll never be confident with that big tummy dude.

Do it so you don't ALMOST DIE in fitting rooms.

Do it for the cute clothes.

Do it for the summer.

Do it for the pool parties and how all of your friends will be SHOOK at your perfect body.

Do it for that life little baby. You deserve it. You deserve so much happiness.

Imagine you’re sitting at your desk in your perfectly decorated bedroom. You’re doing school work (all A’s of course), and since the lighting is good, you stop studying for a second and take a selfie.

You notice your collarbones are perfectly peaking out, and your chest bones are slightly visible. You have no makeup on but you still look absolutely gorgeous. Your flawless skin (that you got from not eating junk food all the time) looks great on your camera. Your thin arms look especially toned in this picture, and your smile is unforgettable.

You decide to post it to Instagram, and it instantly gets likes and comments saying how gorgeous you look. You want to keep studying…but the amount of likes and attention is distracting!

You think to yourself “Amazing how my life has changed. 30lbs ago I barely got 30 likes. My grades were bad and I had horrible acne…it’s so great what being thin can do to a person”

One day I won’t have to suck in

One day I’ll sit down and not have belly rolls

One day my thighs won’t touch

One day I’ll be able to see my ribs

One day I’ll step on the scale and smile

One day I’ll be able to smile at my protruding collar bones

One day I’ll wear the clothes I want

One day I’ll be confident

One day I’ll be skinny

do it for the boy who leaves your snapchats at read. imagine how quickly he’ll reply when he sees how good you look in your new body. do it for the girls you envy, the girls who show up in crop tops and short shorts whilst you hide behind a baggy sweater. imagine how proud you’ll feel when you can finally wear what you want and look just as good, if not better than them. do it for the people who bullied you about your weight and the boys who turned you down because of it. watch them gawk and whisper among themselves at how much weight you’ve lost. do it for the mean girls, the ones that walk around school like they own the place, the ones who’s parties you never get invited to, the ones that all the boys want. prove yourself to them. soon they’ll notice you and you’ll be too proud to care. own your new found confidence, throw your own parties, feel wanted. do it for the boy you’ve been crushing on since the first time you met. make him want you just as you wanted him. laugh at yourself as he chases after you. watch him suffer just as you did. do it for the bikini you’ve never had the body to wear. make your old self proud. wear that bikini. finally feel good in it. go to the beach and the pool and show it off. it belongs on you. do it for yourself. do it for your own happiness and do it right now. you deserve this. it might take some time and maybe you’re growing impatient. but it’s okay, everything good takes time. so be safe, stay strong, and don’t give up. this will be worth the wait. trust me.

I literally cannot fucking wait until I’m thin. I can’t wait to not feel like the outsider in my friend group. I can’t wait to not feel like the ugly friend. I can’t wait to be as thin as my best friend and for people to not see me as a charity case. I can’t wait to be able to go shopping and not worry about what will hide my fat. I can’t wait to see my collarbones and feel great in shorts. I can’t wait to be able to post selfies confidently from any angle and get as many likes as all the thin girls from school. I can’t wait to be someone else’s thinspo. I can’t wait to be happy with myself. I can’t wait to be thin.

Okie lovey, I know you might have had a rough couple of days or maybe you’ve been doing everything right and you just need a little pick me up. That’s okay too. I’m here for you, maybe not there physically but I’m still here. Make some tea, and take a bath; while you’re in there light a few candles and take time for yourself. Paint your nails read a book or simply think about bettering yourself. You’re almost there, I’m so excited for you! I’m going to be there when you cross that finish line (UGW). Finished with tea? Are you hungry? No. Exactly, chin up sweetheart, you got this. I love you

10 Reasons I want to be Thin

1. A flat stomach looks so good in anything. 2. No more armpit fat. 3. Finally have a thigh gap (again). 4. Feel beautiful and in control 5. people you already know will ask you how you did it, new people you meet will fall in love with you. 6. Go on adventures and have fun without worrying about your fat jiggling around. 7. Tan outside or at the lake without wanting to die because you’re too fat for a bikini. 8. Going out to parties and making friends because you’re confident and beautiful. 9. Not wanting to cry every time you see your full body in a mirror/ reflection. 10. Not crying in general anymore. Finally being happy.

11 Reasons Why I'm Doing This

1. To be the skinny friend

2. So I can be lifted up and be called light

3. To wear anything and still look cute

4. To have pretty bones to show off

5. To hear those words; ‘Have you lost weight?’

6. To not feel guilty when having a sweet treat (occasionally!)

7. To wear tight jeans and not have a muffin top

8. To not want to cry every time I look in the mirror

9. To not feel embarrassed in a bikini or swimsuit

10. To sit on someone’s lap without fear of crushing them

11. To finally feel happy with myself

They are in the kitchen making dinner. It smells so good, and all you want to do is have some. But would that make you happy? Would that food actually do anything for you? Sure, it would taste good. But as soon as you swallow, it would be gone. You’d take a drink of water, and the taste would wash away. Five minutes of fun, and then you’d be full. Full of food, regret, hate, shame, and disgust. Today would be yet another day wasted. So go ahead, eat the food. Be the fat tub of lard you always have been. Or don’t. Don’t eat the food. Be a day closer to your goal.

The choice is yours.

#sweetspo #proana #anorexia #edthings

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magma-queen · 3 years ago

Text

This is for those (including me) who have insecurities about their body ❤️ you are beautiful no matter what! And don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise!

Also this is a little angsty, but fluffy all throughout, so please enjoy!

Maxie sighed, looking at himself in the mirror. He had taken his shirt off, but he become insecure about his body. He started checking and observing his waistline carefully, because after a visit to the doctor, he found out he gained 3 pounds. Which, really.. isn’t much. But to him, it was.

“I can’t believe this.. I used to be as skinny as a twig… and now look at me…”

It scared him. Because Archie is so buff and has an amazing set of abs.. would he still love him if he was just a little bit on the chubby side?

“Hey, Max!” He heard Archie calling him from downstairs. “Are ye up there? Dinner is almost ready!”

He sighed again. After looking at himself, he really didn’t feel like eating.

“Y-yes! I’ll be down in a minute!”

He threw his shirt back on and slipped into his sweats. Once he came downstairs, and saw dinner, he started to feel sick. Not because of the food itself, but his insecurities took over.

“Max? Love? Ye alright?” Archie asks, looking up from his plate. “Ye haven’t really touched any of yer food.. are ye feelin’ okay?”

“Y-yes.. I’m fine..” He stuttered.

“Are ye sure? Ye look kinda pale..”

“No… I’m sorry, I’m really not feeling good..”

“Okay, I can just put it away and when yer feeling better, I can heat it up for ye.”

He looked down. “Y-yeah… sure.. that’s fine.”

Archie notices how upset he looked, he stood up. “Ye go and lay down on the couch, babe. I’ll finish cleaning up in here, then we can cuddle.. a tummy rub should help that bellyache… that sound good?”

*smile* “O-okay.”

After Archie was finished, he came over and laid down next to Maxie, who seemed to be asleep.

“Babe? Max?”

“Mmmm?”

He smiles at him, hugging him close. “Are ye feelin’ a little better?”

“A little…”

Archie started to rise up. “So, did ye wanna finish eating-?”

“N-No! I mean.. no.. m-my stomach still hurts.”

Archie could tell that something was bothering him. But he didn’t know what. “Max.. is there something else goin’ on? Ye’ve been actin’ a little weird these past couple days.. Ye’ve barely eaten anything.”

“I just don’t feel like eating..” He argued. “My stomach is killing me…”

Somehow, his husband didn’t believe him.

“Maxie… ye can tell me if there’s somethin’ else bothering ye.”

Maxie started getting defensive. “Th-there isn’t! I’m fine.. ok?”

That’s when he heard his stomach growl.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t believe ye… ye should know by now that when something is bothering ye… ye get quiet and defensive when asked. Baby, just tell me.. and I’ll try to make it better.”

The redhead looked down at the floor, tears forming in his eyes.

“Max? Hey… Don’t cry…” Archie embraces him. “Tell me what’s going on, love…”

Before he could explain anything, he sat there sobbing into Archie’s shoulder for about 5 minutes, he tried his best to comfort him.

“Shh… shh… now, tell me what’s the matter..”

He lifted his head up, looking at Archie straight in his eyes. “H-how much do you love me?”

The team Aqua leader looked at him with much confusion on his face. “Babe.. I love ye more than anything else in this world! Ye should know that. Where’s this comin’ from?”

He ignored him and continued. “W-would you still love me.. even if I’ve put on a couple of pounds…?”

Archie looks at him with total shock. The realization hit him. He takes his shoulders.

“Maxie…. Is THAT why ye haven’t been eating? No no no…. Of course I would still love ye… stop talkin’ nonsense…”

“But Archie-“

“No. Ye have been skipping meals for 3 days in a row. I’m getting ye something right now.” He rose up and ran into the kitchen. After a few minutes, he brought out his dinner.

“Now, ye eat this right now. I know that yer hungry… I heard yer stomach growl..”

Maxie tried to argue. “But-“

“No buts.”

He gave up trying to argue and finished his food, quite in a hurry too. If he was telling the truth, he was starving.

Without a word, Archie took the dishes and put them away. When he came back, he sat down next to his husband and hugged him from the side.

“A-Archie, I-“

“Shh…” He nuzzled his arm. “Baby.. why on earth would ye think that I wouldn’t still love ye if ye put on a few pounds? Yer always gonna be me handsome hubby..”

He blushed. “But you have a much different build than I do… I thought.. that you would want someone who wasn’t starting to have a bigger belly…” He got extremely embarrassed. “I used to be so damn skinny…”

“Babe, ye still are skinny! So what if ye have a little bigger stomach..? I still love ye. And I’m always going to. Just how long have we been married?”

“8 years…”

“And how long have we known each other?”

“Since we were teenagers…”

“Which was..?”

“25 years ago..”

“Exactly. Ye should know by now that there is nothing on this planet that would ever make me stop loving ye..” He gave him a squeeze.

Maxie started to get even more emotional and covered his face in embarrassment before crying once more.

“Max, honey… come here… shh.. don’t cry…”

He held him even closer. He waited until Maxie finished crying before pinning him down onto the couch.

“Wh-what are you doing??” He sniffled.

“I’m gonna cheer ye up, that’s what I’m doin’.” He smiled, kissing his cheek. Then he lifted his shirt up, revealing his stomach. “Babe… what are ye even talking about?? Yer not even that chubby! Look..”

He took his hands and gave his stomach a squeeze, making the redhead jump and squirm.

“Nohohohoho!! W-Wahahait!”

“Yer still skin and bones, ye dork!” He chuckled, squeezing his stomach again. “Aww.. ticklish, are we? Goochie goochie goo! Awww.. so squishy! *squeeze*

“D-don’t! Don’t- ahahahahahahehehehe!!!” He squeaked when Archie began poking his belly. “Ahahaharchihihihie!!! Nohohohohoho!!!”

“Archie yes! Yer cute little tum tum is me new pillow now, and there’s nothing ye can say to make me change me mind!” He then blew a raspberry on his belly. “PFFFFFFFFT!!”

The redhead bursted into hysterics, desperately trying to wiggle away from his playful husband.

“AHAHAHAHARCHIHIHIHEHEHEEHEE!!!” He screeched, kicking his legs out. “WHAHAHAT THEHEHEHE HEHEHEHELL THAHAHAHAT TICKLEHEHEHEHES!!!”

“Aww, does it? Good.” He cooed, blowing another one. *inhale* “PFFFFFFFFT!!”

“STAHAHAHAHAP IHIHIHIHIT!!!!” Maxie screamed, squirming back and forth crying tears of mirth.

Archie smirks at him and lays his head on his stomach, nuzzling the soft skin.

“Ahahahahaharchihihie!!! Thahahat stihihihill tihihihihickles!!! Y-yohohou’re beheheheard is- ahahahahahahahaha!!!!” He couldn’t comprehend words anymore. His giggles took over his mouth.

“Dawww…” Archie smiled, cooing at him. “Yer so fuckin adorable, babe..” *nuzzle* He presses a kiss to his stomach.

“Ahahahahaha!!! Nonononono- no kissing! Stahahahap! Ihihihi can’t breheheeeheeathe!”

“PFFFFFFFFFFFFT!”

*Squeal* STAHAHAHAHOHOHOP THAHAHAT!GOHOHOHOD DAHAHAMN IHIHIHIHIT!!! ARCHIHIHIEHEHEHEEHEE PLEHEHEHEASE!!!”

He ceases the raspberries, grabs a hold of his hips and gives them a squeeze, sending the redhead into a bigger fit of giggles.

“AHAHAHANAHAHAHOHOHO!!!!! *snort* AAHAHAHARCHIE NOHOHOT THEHEHERE!!!”

“Them hips don’t lie, hun~” He teased. “Oh, are ye ticklish here too? I’m so sorry~”

*squeeze*

“JEHEHEHESUS CHRIHIHIHIHIST ST-STAHAHAHA- AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

He grabs and squeezes his thighs next. “Yer lovely thighs must not be ignored either. Now, are they ticklish too?”

Maxie’s face turned redder from the compliments.

“YEHEHEHEHES YEHEHEHEHEHES AHAHAHAHAH- DOHOHOHON’T SQUEHEHEHEEZE THEHEHEHEM!!!! IHIHIHIHIHIT TIHIHIHICKLES!!!!”

“Why not?” Archie smirks. “It’s making ye laugh so hard! Ye seem to be havin’ fun!”*squeeze*

“NAHAHAHAHOHOHO!!! *snort* NOHOHOHOHOHO!! PLEHEHEHEHEASE!!!”

Archie raises his tickling fingers under his shirt and tickles his ribs.

“AHAHARCHIE WAIT!!!!”

“I can almost feel the bones in yer ribs, babe.. Hey! Stop squirming! Does it tickle that much?”

“ARCHIE PLEHEHEHEASE STOHOHOHOHOP!! *snort* IHIHIHI- IHIHI’M TOO TIHIHICKLISH FOHOHOHOR THIHIHIHIS!!!”

“Isn’t that the point, Max?” He goes to scribble his fingers at his belly. “Promise me that ye’ll stop skipping meals, and stop judging yerself when ye look in the mirror!”

“OKAYOKAYOKAYOKAY!! HAHAHAH- IHIHI PROHOHOMIHIHIHISE!! JUHUHUST STOHOP BEHEHEFORE I DIHIHIHIE!”

The pirate rolled his eyes playfully. “I don’t think death by laughter is a thing, hun.”

“AHAHAHARCHIEEEE!!!”

“Okay okay!” He cackled, letting Maxie drop back down on the couch, still giggling. Archie smiles at him and wipes the mirthful tears from his eyes. “Max, I love every part of ye. Inside, and out. No matter what yer weight is… I will always love ye with all of me heart.”

The redhead pulls his shirt down so he collapses on top of him. And their lips collided.

“Mmm~”

“Mm..”

He looks deep into Archie’s blue eyes. “Y-you’re going to make me cry again..”

“Aw, no… don’t cry..” His arms come around him. “I want ye to be happy.”

*kiss*

Archie held his cheek with shock.

“I am happy. Because I’m with you.”

The Team Aqua leader begins tearing up himself. “Max…”

“I meant what I said. I love you, Archie.”

“I-I love ye too!” He smothered him in a hug, crying into his chest.

They laid down together in bed, after rushing to their bedroom. Archie pounces on Maxie and lays his head down on his stomach.

“Really?” Maxie raised an eyebrow.

*smirk* “I wasn’t kiddin’ when I said yer belly is me new pillow..” He put his arms around his waist and nuzzles him close. “Yer so warm and soft~”

*blush*

Maxie chuckles and places his hand on Archie’s back, scratching it lightly, making the bigger man purr.

“Are you… purring? Are you my lap cat now? *snrk* You are such a dork…”

“Mmm.. but I’m yers.” The pirate cuddles even closer. “My god, I never wanna leave this spot.. can we stay like this tonight? Please?”

*chuckle* “Yes.. if that’s what you want. Just promise me something.”

“Mm?” Archie looks up at him.

“I.. Mm.. promise me that no matter what… that you’ll always love me.. no matter what I do.. I know you’ve already said it.. but..”

Archie squeezes him. “Babe, we’ve been over this! I will always love ye! Me love for ye is unconditional! I am extremely proud to be yer husband.. I love ye, Max..” He takes his hand and kisses it.

“A-Archie.. I.. I love you, too.” Maxie purrs, pulling his husband closer to his chest. “Son of a bitch.. I’m going to start crying again…” He wipes a tear away from his flushed face.

“Don’t cry, love.. I’ve gotcha.. me poor crybaby~ o-ouch!” He received a smack on the back from his redhead. “Heh.. sorry, hun.. bad nickname..”

“You think?” He blushed. “Y-you know that I don’t cry a lot…”

“Well, ye have been recently.. and I can’t stand it when yer upset.. *kiss* “Please promise me that ye’ll open up to me more about stuff that’s bothering ye.. ok?”

“O-ok.. I promise.”

Archie looks at him with a sly grin. “Are ye sure?” He pokes him in the side.

“Archie, don’t!”

He takes both of his hands and squeezes his sides. “Squeezy squeeze! Yer so cute, babe~ and I think ye need to be reminded of that~”

Maxie smacks his hands. “I-I- ahahaham not!”

Archie’s fingers dig into his sides. “Ye are! And I’ll tickle ye until ye admit it! Tickle tickle!”

“PFFFFT- AHAHAHA!! ARCHIE!! STOHOHOP!!!”

He smirks, tickling him faster. “Ye heard what I said. Ye either admit that yer me cute hubby, or Mr. Tickle Monster is gonna make ye!”

“AAAAAH- AHAHAHAHA!!! *snort* ARCHIE COHOHOHOME AHAHAHAHAN!!! TH-THIS IHIHIHIHISN’T NEHEHEHEHECESSARY!!”

The pirate raises his shirt back up. “Sure it is! Don’t make me get yer belly~ Yer gonna be sorry~”

Seeing that his husband was still being stubborn, he buries his face onto his belly and nuzzles him, giving him little nibbles.

“G-GAHAHAHAHA!!!! NONONONONO- AHAHAHAHA- AHAHAHARCHIHIHIEEEE!!! PLEHEHEHEASE NOT THAHAHAT!!! AAAAH- AHAHA IHIHIHI CAHAHAN’T BREATHE!!!”

*inhale* “PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!”

“NONONONONONONO-NAHAHAHAHA!!!!” The redhead desperately tries to wiggle himself away, but he was trapped. LEHEHET MEHEHEHEHE GOHOHO I CAHAHAN’T TAHAHAHAHAKE IHIHIHIHIT!!!”

“Ye gonna admit it, now?” Archie asks, lightly spidering his fingers at his stomach.

“Ahahahahahahaheheheheheeheheehee!! Nohohohoho!! *snort*”

“Wrong choice, Max. *inhale* PFFFFT!”

“AHAHAHAHA- OKAYOKAYOKAYOKAY- NAHAHAHAHOHOHOHO- HEHEHEHE- I’M- IHIHIHIHI’M CUHUHUHUHUHUTE-! PLEHEHEHEASE STAHAHAHAP!!!”

Cackling, Archie stopped his assault. He adjusted his husband’s askewed glasses and wiped away his mirthful tears. He gave his stomach a few more pokes, making him whine while giggling and smack his hand away.

“Stohohohop ihihit!” Maxie wiggles away from him but Archie traps him in his arms. He hugs him extremely tight.

“Mmmm… Max.. I love ye.. *kiss* Please don’t be mad at me for tryin’ to cheer ye up~ and….. I really wanted to hear yer laugh once more~ Forgive me, sugar?”

“Mmmmph..” The other pouted, laying his head onto Archie’s shoulder. “I forgive you.. this time.” His arms came around Archie’s waist. “Mm… once I get my energy back, heh.. you’re dead. But right now, you’ve completely tired me out..”

“Yer welcome.” He snickers, kissing his cheek. “I love ye, baby… gimme a kiss?”

“Do you deserve one..?” Maxie said teasingly.

“Yes~”

“I really don’t think you do, after you just tickled me to death.”

Archie clung to him and whined. “But Maaax…”

“Whining doesn’t help your case, darling.”

He pecked at his cheek. “Pleeeeease? I promise I won’t tickle ye for the rest of the evening.” He put his hand up. “Please?”

“Oh, for the love of- just kiss me, you moron~”

Their lips were put together in a sweet kiss. Then, they finally died down and fell asleep. While his insecurities still remained, Maxie knew that his husband would love him no matter what.

#Pokemon #Hardenshipping #Maxie #Archie #I hope this brings a smile to your face today! These two deserve so much love #My fics #fic #fics #Tickling

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lostonehero · 3 years ago

Text

Becoming less human

It was a week after the near end of the world by two men who had good intentions but no common sense. The teams Aqua and Magma merged and started on trying to help without the use of extreme measures. Both teams thankfully were pardoned and nobody died, but the orbs the orbs were absorbed into both leaders flesh, and as far as anyone knows nothing came of it except the two leaders getting together.

Maxie gave a frustrated sigh as he tried to put his shoe on again, for some reason it felt too small. He was 35 he was well past growing stuck at 5ft 5in for the rest of his life. He never complained though his height never defined him, and he could beat Archie in a fist fight no problem, growing up in a orphanage where everyone hated would make someone tough. Granted Archie would never admit to loosing, well it wasn't like anyone would belive Maxie either to the world he was a weak skinny nerd. He wore the long sleeves and stocking to cover up scars from past abuse he didn't want to show the world.

"Leader Maxie? I mean Maxie." Tabitha stutters out.

Maxie sighs "Archie isn't in here Tabitha." He heard a sigh of relief as his former admin walked in. "And I told you you didn't have to stay, you can get a better job and not be stuck with the crazy man who almost ended the world." He cursed under his breath again and tossed his shoes to the side.

"Le- Maxie I want to help with your new vision, and even if it involves Aqua what you have drawn out is pretty amazing sir...." he trails off as he watches Maxie. "Sir are you alright."

Maxie sighs. "I think I must of hurt my feet and they are swollen my shoes seem too tight." His feet look perfectly fine except for his nails that look like they are turning black.

"Oh I see do you want me to call for a doctor?"

"No Tabitha I'm fine I'll just steal Archie's shoes he left here." Maxie sighs seeing Tabitha scowl at the former Aqua leader. "I don't need you judging my love life Tabitha."

Tabitha huffs. "You can do better sir."

"Tabitha I appreciate the sentiment but I'm pretty hated right now."

"W-well you are still liked."

"I know you have feelings for Matt, and besides I'm 10 years older then you and Courtney so my answer would still be no."

Tabitha tries to hide his red face, Maxie knew him too well at this point. "R-Right sir uh today is your day off I came to remind you no work."

Maxie curses under his breath Tabitha knew him well as well. "Right very well then I think I'll visit Archie."

Tabitha sighs but didn't argue he knew Maxie wouldn't overwork himself around that pirate.

.......

"If you keep staring at your hands I will smack the back of your head Archie." Shelly huffed

Archie was in casual clothes and nit his wet suit today. He felt naked without it on, but fir some reason his gloves couldn't go all the way down, and it seemed as if the webbing on his fingers had gotten deeper and his nails longer. He kept thinking back to the blue orb absorbing into his skin filing his blood with ice and the legendary beast staring at him seemingly to say "you survived you'll be rewarded" he really didn't know why that was in his head. He even asked Maxie about it and he said the same thing when in regards to his encounter.

"Archibald you're boyfriend is here." Shelly sneered rolling her eyes.

Archie sighs and gives a look to Shelly and she just raises her hands and left. Archie knew Shelly hated Maxie, and he knew Shelly didn't approve but he made him happy.

"Archie? Are you alright." Maxie asks as he plops down into a chair wearing longs sleeves and pants.

Archie frowns he knew the real reason why Maxie covered up and hell it had been only a short time but he wish he could see more of him more often then the bedroom. He shook his head. "I don't know I couldn't put on my gloves today."

Maxie leans back. "Funny I couldn't put on my shoes today I had to wear yours, well the pair you forgot to get when Courtney chased you put of my bedroom."

Archie grimaced at the memory but looked confused. "Maxie I'm like three sizes bigger then you how have you not tripped?"

"They fit perfectly." Macie says calmly but his shaking hands gave him away. "Is this the reward." He whispered fear lacing his tone.

Archie has never seen Maxie truly scared, sure he had startled him but the man was ready to punch him in the face rather then run away. His nerves were starting to eat away at his confidence. "I-i don't know Max. Are we taking there place?"

Maxie shivers. "I never wanted that, I don't think I could stand to loose you now." He frowns. "Could I stay with you tonight...." he trails off.

Archie nods frowning, Maxie never asked he always just stayed and was so dominate in his ways. He decided he didn't like seeing Maxie scared. "Have you gone back to..." he didn't finish his sentence when Maxie looked him in the eye.

"Yes once, it was for closure to make sure they were gone...." he stopped seemingly recalling something. "I heard something though."

"What?"

"Uh I think you've been blessed by the gods your body will change to accept it.... I thought I was just hearing things." He looked down biting his lip.

Archie sighs and looks at Maxie. "I don't want to talk about this anymore..."

"Neither do I." Maxie gets up and offers Archie his hand. "Shall we get some ice cream and try to forget with bad movies."

Archie smiled softly nodding getting up. "Aye that sounds great."

.....3 months later.....

Maxie tried to wrestle Archie's shoes onto his feet but he had little to no luck, it's been months and he was comfortable wearing them this was like being a teenager in a growthspurt all over. "Fuck this!" he threw the shoes across the room and finally noticed his pants were short that doused his frustration with fear.

Archie rushed in right out of the shower his towel haphazardly around his waist. "Maxie are you alright."

Maxie in a quiet voice. "My pants are too short and slightly tight."

Archie furrows his brow and actually looks down and to his astonishment Maxie was right. "I know you've gained weight Maxie, but uh you gained height."

Maxie sighs. "I thought it was I eating more I gained weight, and I didn't mind that but.... but " he stops and takes a deep breath. "Archie we never did stop did we?"

"My legs aren't fusing if that's what your asking." Archie tried to joke but he was starting to get scared too.

Maxie sat down on the bed. "I need to get new clothes." He sighs laying down. "We probably should tell Steven."

Archie frowns and moves to lay down next to him. "Maybe we should start with our former admins, or current ones they really never stopped doing their jobs."

"I don't know which one would be worse." Maxie chuckles covering his face. "Tabithia and Courtney will be the worse mother hens."

"You think that's bad Matt once carried me to bed when I had the sniffles." Archie gives a small laugh.

"When did our lives get so messed up? Wait don't answer that I know why." Maxie huffs looking at Archie.

Archie couldn't hold it in and started to laugh.

Maxie threw a pillow at him.

..... 6 months later......

Archie frowns looking at the large blanket Matt bought for him and Maxie. "Is this really necessary? Maxie only grew 6inches."

"Bro you need to think long term, you're changing too." Matt puffs out his chest. "Even if you become another kyoger I want to make sure you're warm."

Archie sighs scratching his beard. "I don't think that's what I'm becoming Matt, but uh thanks." Matt was like his brother, he was just a tad over protective.

Matt shakes his head. "No matter what happens Archie I will be by your side no matter what."

Archie smiles softly. "Thanks Matt, but uh I think we are good on blankets, Maxie is like a furnace..."

"Does he have a fever, I know I was rude and mean when you started dating but he really loves you can I help?" Matt rattles off

Archie chuckles. "No Bro like how my body temperature lowered Maxie's went up."

"Ohhh ok so you guys cancel each other out just like them. Maybe they are dating too."

Archie covers his face with his hands trying to get that image put of his head as Matt rattles on about the many plans he has to help.

.....4 months later.....

"This is insulting at this point." Archie huffs laying on his stomach.

Maxie matching Archie's position. "I didn't want a tail either but here we are. It's not even fully formed yet and it's so sensitive." He sighs. "I honestly thought you would be upset because I'm taller then you now."

"Not gonna lie Max that kinds of turns me on." Archie chuckles hearing Maxie scoff.

"We aren't even entirely human anymore and you are thinking about bedroom activities." He tries and fails to look offended. "I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind Archie but I want to wait till we are done changing."

"Agreed, so how are your feet doing I know they were killing you." Archie hums trying to keep conversation to distract from the pain.

Maxie looks away. "Scales and bone spur on my heel...they feel a lot better but I'm worried I might hurt you while we sleep."

Archie has wide eyes. "Matching your claws."

Maxie looks back raising his brow. "Seriously Archie? What about your neck?"

"Gills got matching ones on my waist as well, I don't need my wetsuit anymore." He smiles.

Maxie smiles "swimming with Bruce is in your future right." He grimaced as a soft crack is heard. "F-fun with your p-pokemon."

Archie held onto Maxie's hand. "Its ok you don't need to be tough around me I love you."

Maxie held on tightly to Archie's hand. "I love you too." It was the first time they exchanged those words.

....1 month later....

Archie was chasing down Maxie with a bucket of soapy water. "Maxie I swear to arceus that you need to stop you're shedding let me help."

"Fuck off Archie, and leave that fucking hell brush in the trash." Maxie growls a red glowed from his eyes.

"Maxie it's just a brush stop being a baby." Archie tries to tackle him but misses. "I swear I will call Courtney and Tabitha."

"You wouldn't dare." Maxie hisses.

"I would you human lizard just get in the medicated bath." Archie crosses his arms.

Maxie grumbles and walks back to the large bath with bubbles and a medical oder he hated. He got in crossing his arms. "Only because I don't want them to see me naked again."

Archie sighs and begins to scrub softly at Maxie's scales helping them shed. "Look I don't like this either but I refuse to be covered in your shed again. I don't care if we are still changing you will take a bath when you shed."

Maxie scowls. "You don't have to baby me Archie. You know why I don't like baths."

Archie pauses. "I know Max, but you'll feel better we both know that. I'm sorry but I don't want the shower spray to hurt you like last time when you first shed."

Maxie looks away and nods. "I know I know, could you.... maybe uh come in with me?"

Archie chuckles and plops into the bath with Maxie splashing him.

Maxie spits out the soapy water at Archie. "You know what I changed my mind get out."

Archie laughs harder. "Love you too Maxie."

......1 year later....

Maxie was sitting at his desk Archie was late to their meeting, Tabitha and Courtney were both waiting along with Shelly and Matt. It was an uncomfortable silence. Maxie tapped his claw against the wood not realizing he was creating a small hole. "He's the one who called the damn meeting why is he running late."

Tabitha sighs knowing Maxie's temper was high by the smell of burning coming from his tail that slapped the floor in annoyance. "Maxie he probably forgot something."

"We share a home Tabitha he seemed perfectly put together." Maxie glares at Matt who looked guilty.

Matt Maxie knew was awful at keeping secrets and a glare from Maxie was enough to set him off. "ARCHIE IS GOING TO PROPOSE." Matt yells breaking all tension. "I promised I wouldn't tell but I just can't. He is late because the ring is taking longer to make then he realized." He covers his face in shame.

Shelly curses. "Fucking hell Matt he told us in confidence."

"I know I know but Maxie looks so upset." Matt whimpers

Shelly groans and leans back.

Courtney was laughing softly a rare sound.

Tabitha gave a look to Matt saying you're on the couch tonight.

Maxie slams his hands on the table startling everyone. "That fucking bastard" he gets up quickly. "I already bought a fucking ring."

The four stared at Maxie connecting the dots and everyone realized that maybe that their collective bosses were both actually so deeply in love they had the same idea.

At that moment Archie walked in hearing Maxie yell. "You bought a ring?"

"Of course I did you dumb pirate I love you." Maxie huffs. "I was waiting for the full moon because you like the moon's reflection on the water."

Archie looks like he was about to cry. "Maxie I love you so much woukd you marry me?"

Maxie threw his own black box at Archie. "Make an educated guess you college graduate."

Archie burst out laughing and runs to tackle Maxie into a hug. "Damn right Maxie I will marry you."

"And I will marry you Archie." Maxie smiles

#becoming less human #magma leader maxie #team aqua archie #aqua leader archie #hardenshipping #pokemon archie #pokemon maxie #magma boss maxie #pokemon #aqua admin matt #aqua admin shelly #magma admin courtney #magma admin tabitha

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acnelli · 3 years ago

Text

The Beholder

This is one of my entries for the @romioneficfest 2021. Please check out all of the submitted stories; you can find them HERE.

A huge shout-out to @divagonzo for hosting this fest again. Just like last year it provided me with so many lovely ficlets to read, written by talented and creative authors.

Thank you, @curlyy-hair-dont-care, for beta-reading this story! <3

Rating: T

Warnings: implied sexual content, body image

Prompt: Ron catches Hermione in a moment of self-doubt

Summary: Hermione is not happy with the way she looks in her new lingerie.

You can also read this story on AO3 and FFN.

*** *** *** ***

Hermione stood in front of the large mirror in their bedroom, a prominent frown on her face. She let her hands glide over the black lace of the undergarments she bought today. It was a spontaneous decision, one she already regretted as the flimsy material showed in painful obviousness how her body had changed over the last couple of years.

She never had been a person who spent much time caring for her appearance. Her mother had not used make-up and Hermione figured this was the reason she never picked up an interest in using it every day, save for some special occasions where she put on some mascara and lipstick.

And the battle with her bushy hair had been given up a long time ago. Something Ron was vocally happy about since he kept on insisting he preferred her hair in its wild, curly state.

It was their wedding anniversary today, meaning they would go out for some fancy dinner. A real treat when parenting two kids, who were six- and four years old. The little dragons were at Ginny and Harry's tonight and Hermione wanted to make the most out of having the house all to themselves. And what better way to spice up their much-needed alone time with some sexy, rather uncomfortable lingerie?

Again, she examined her thighs showing above the stockings, her hands brushing over her hips and down to her bum, gripping the cheeks. Her once petite body wasn't petite anymore. Instead of the small, round arse she used to show off in tight jeans or a nice pencil skirt, there were wide hips and stretch marks. Where there had been a flat belly, her tummy now hid some of the knicker's waistband at the front.

Why she chose today to acknowledge this was beyond her, but Hermione shook her head and decided to put on a lace nightgown instead later, hoping her mood would brighten again by the time Ron would come home from work.

Sighing in defeat she gave her reflection one last sad look before quickly reaching for the bra clasp, determined to get out of the flimsy underwear to dress for their night out.

"Not so fast."

Hermione stopped in her tracks and whipped around towards the bedroom door where Ron was leaning against the door frame.

"Ron! I did not hear you coming home." Hermione stammered, her eyes wide and her hands trying to find a position that would provide the most cover to her half naked body.

She could already feel the heat of the oncoming blush flushing her cheeks as Ron smirked at her, still standing at the door with his arms crossed in front of him.

"I'd rather you leave this task to me," Ron said, pointing at Hermione's black lace bra.

"I just-," Hermione's voice faltered a bit and she took a second to clear her throat, trying to appear slightly more dignified than she felt, "This doesn't fit."

"It seems to fit rather fine," Ron objected as he slowly walked towards her, "These are new, aren't they?"

Hermione nodded and turned back to the mirror as Ron walked up behind her. Watching the reflection of her husband and herself she couldn't help but complain about the unfairness. "How can you eat more than everyone else, but still be so skinny? I just have to look at a piece of chocolate nowadays and it immediately adds to my midriff."

Automatically, her arms slung around said body section but Ron caught her wrists, uncovering her waist and belly again. He stepped even closer until he stood flush against Hermione's back and wrapped her into his arms from behind. A soft moan escaped her lips at the feeling of Ron's hard body pressed up against her.

She usually loved the sight of his pale, freckled skin standing out starkly against her bronze complexion and usually, she would take her time admiring them for a minute. The only thing she could focus on today though was the way her body hid Ron's mid-section, so much slimmer than hers.

Still, she closed her eyes as Ron's hands started to glide down her sides and rested on her thighs, stroking the skin right above the lace of her stockings. His big hands always felt so good.

"So, you'll ditch me should I get fat?"

Her eyes snapped open and found Ron's blue ones looking back at her, a mischievous glint in them. "Of course, not!" She rolled her eyes at him.

"Because," Ron placed a soft kiss on her shoulder, "You apparently think a little body fat makes one less attractive. And since I don't plan to reduce my sugar intake, it's not entirely impossible that you'll have to deal with a bigger version of me someday."

"Like that will ever happen," Hermione raised an eyebrow at him but couldn't suppress a smirk, "Your arse will be skinny and tiny forever. A bean pole for eternity. Plus, I didn't marry you for your stellar body."

Ron barked out a laugh but a second later he continued roaming his hands all over Hermione's body. His touch made her tingle all over and combined with his intense gaze meeting her in the mirror, she almost forgot about her imperfect body parts.

"Hermione," Ron said with a hint of demand lacing his voice, making sure Hermione was looking him into his eyes, "you know I think you're fucking gorgeous, right?" He gave her tummy a light squeeze.

"As my husband, you have to say that." Hermione put her own hands over Ron's.

"As your husband, it's my duty to tell you when you're being mental," he told her, sweeping Hermione's curls to one side and started to kiss the now exposed side of her neck, "And if you think my mouth didn't go completely dry the second I saw you in these," He traced one of her bra straps to emphasize his words, "I sure as hell need to remind you how beautiful you are."

"I'm having a hard time finding myself beautiful nowadays," Hermione admitted as she lowered her head to the side to give Ron easier access for his kisses and nibbles on her soft skin.

"Well, they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder," Ron said and when he squeezed her breasts through the bra, Hermione couldn't help but be happy about one positive side effect of gaining weight; her boobs filled out more and especially wrapped in black lace, they looked mouth-watering, even to herself.

"So, let this beholder show you exactly how damn sexy he thinks you are," Ron whispered as he let one of her bra straps glide down over her shoulder and captured her lips in a deep kiss.

Unsurprisingly, they missed their anniversary dinner, as Ron took his time, showing in great detail how much he loved every inch of Hermione Granger-Weasley.

#romione ficfest 2021 #romione #romione fanfic #romione fanfiction #hermione granger #ron weasley #hp #hp fanfic #harry potter #hermione x ron #ron x hermione #ron and hermione #hermione and ron #ronmione #mine #my fanfic #my stories

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mrslilyrogers · 5 years ago

Text

Betrayal Part 6

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: (AU) Set in New York. You and Bucky have been married for 5 years. He’s the love of your life and you are his. At least, you thought you were until he started slipping away from you, coming home late and smelling of another woman’s perfume? You are in denial. Are you just losing your mind or are you really losing him?

Author’s notes: Sorry this took so long. I’ve just been going through something at home. I posted about it, I think a week or two ago. Anyway, thank you for those who reached out to me and thank you for all your feedback with this. Really warms my heart and has been such a great help. This chapter is a bit longer than usual, I hope that makes up for it. Let me know what you think! :) Oh, and if you want to be tagged, please message on my ask. Thanks!

Warnings: Cheating, Angst

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Bucky let out a yawn as he opened the door to their apartment. He couldn’t help the smile forming on his lips as he took the stairs two steps at a time. Excitement building up in his chest to see his girls despite being so sleep deprived the past few weeks.

“Trust me, my friend, enjoy your time now. You’d be lucky enough to get three hours of sleep before you hear that wail of death again,” Thor had warned, all serious and brooding, as they lifted heavy weights at his gym the week prior to Y/N’s due date. To Bucky’s horror, he was proven right. They barely had time for themselves anymore, let alone sleep. Today, was his first day back at work since Y/N had given birth and he was so tired, he almost dozed off at their meeting. It was a good thing Sam had backed him up but of course, only for the price of constant teasing after. “Hell, it’s only been a few weeks and you already look like the walking dead, Barnes! Even Thor looked better than you, and that’s saying a lot,” he motioned around his stomach, referring to the time their usually fit trainer and gym buddy gained weight after welcoming his first child. So naturally, when Bucky refused to go with them for their usual after-work training, Sam couldn’t help but quip,

“You’re losing touch, Barnes! Next thing we know you’d lose all that hair and have a beer belly, god, I’m never having a baby!”

Bucky just rolled his eyes and dismissed him with a casual “Later, Wilson,” not bothering to have a witty retort as he always did. Sam tsked him and shook his head, giving him a genuine smile despite his teasing manner. Bucky really couldn’t care less about putting on a few pounds. He just wanted sleep and his wife. And of course, to see his daughter, because no matter what he just couldn’t blame his little miss smarty pants, always knowing when her parents had closed their eyes to rest so she could wake them up again.

He thought his first day back at work would’ve given him the respite he needed from taking care of a newborn baby for weeks but all day, he had just missed his little Lizzie. It was as if holding her in his arms after a long day at work was his prize. It didn’t help that as much as Sam had teased him, Steve wouldn’t stop remarking on his change in attitude, “This is great. I’m so proud of you, Buck.” while patting his back like the big brother he was. Bucky had just scoffed at him, not at all knowing how to respond. Steve was the only one who had been there for him all those times he and his sister had been under Rumlow’s care. He knew the things they went through and how having a family terrified him. His reassurances meant more to him than he could admit. He vowed he’d never make his daughter feel unwanted and unloved like how he was throughout his childhood when both his parents died abruptly leaving him and his sister abandoned to the foster care system. A chill went up his spine at the remembrance of all the “conditioning” he went through, all the pain he had to endure to achieve the “order” Rumlow so devoutly believed in. The slight tremor in his hands warned him he was getting in too deep. He took several deep breaths as he tried to shake off the memory. It was all in the past now. Even Becca had moved on, married right out of college and started her own little family. Y/N and Lizzie were his future now, this family they were building was more important to him than anything else. A dream he never thought he’d have.

He slowly opened the door to their bedroom quietly, not wanting to wake Lizzie up if Y/N had finally gotten her to sleep. She must’ve been bored out of her mind with her taking the time off her newly-built bakery to take care of Lizzie while they haven’t sorted their schedules out yet. All week, she had been worried about how they were all coping without her. He brought the tulips up with a big grin on his face, ready to gift it to her as a peace offering from her time off work and hoped it could cheer her up even for just a little bit. His eyes landed on her curled up on the bed, a bit of her hair falling on the side of her face, her even breaths putting him at home as she peacefully dozed off. He looked to the bassinet beside the bed, a soft smile playing on his lips. His little girl slept like an angel with her pink cheeks and her tiny mouth puckering as she dreamed. He placed the flowers on the bedside table, giving Y/N a kiss to her forehead before heading to the bathroom to change, all the while wondering how he got so lucky after everything he’s been through. He met the love of his life in college, married her after eight years of being together then had a baby girl in their first year of marriage. Maybe the universe wasn’t out to get him after all.

He snuggled next to Y/N, draping his arm across her waist. She moved back into him, her back to his chest as he pulled her close, drinking in the scent of her hair, sleep already seeping into his tired mind until the “wail of death” broke free. A lazy smile formed on his lips. He knew it, his little girl was smart.

“Ugh,” Y/N grumbled, already making her way to stand up.

“No, no. Go back to sleep, I’ll get her,” Bucky said as he kissed her on the cheek and stood up before she could protest.

“But you just got home, Buck,” she complained but didn’t make a move to leave the bed.

“Shh,” he smiled back at her, picking his little Lizzie up.

“How are you sweetie? Are you hungry? You just miss Daddy, don’t you?” He cooed, rocking her in his arms while Y/N watched, her heart in her eyes. He continued to coo and rock her and soon the baby went back to sleep. He looked up to Y/N with a cocky grin on his face only to find her with her phone out, taking a video of the moment. He rolled his eyes, “If you continue to take videos of me and Lizzie, you’ll run out of space on your phone. But see, I told you, she just missed her dad!” He then proceeded to make a show of a sleeping Lizzie to Y/N’s phone while she giggled in the background.

“Yeah right. You just got lucky, Buck,”

“Oh come on, you must admit she’s always calmer when I’m around,”

Y/N laughed again, ending the video and putting her phone back on the bedside table, finally noticing the flowers.

“Aww, babe you didn’t have to,” she said, bringing it up to her nose. Her heart skipping a beat as she watched him smile at her. She’d never get tired of his smiles, she thought, not knowing he was thinking the exact same thing about her. Her smile faltered for a split second as she brought the flowers back down to the table. It wouldn’t have been noticeable to anyone else, but Bucky knew when something was bothering her. He noticed it ever since they got back from the hospital four weeks ago.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, concern in his eyes as he held on to Lizzie.

“It’s nothing, really,” She waved him off again, shaking her head.

“Y/N…” He warned.

“I just… I’m just thinking maybe I should sell Winter Bakery—”

“No,” He cut her off before she could even finish her sentence, his voice stern.

“Hear me out, Bucky. This makes sense. You’re about to get promoted and I’ve only been open for a year. I know, for sure, we’ll get losses from this but if we plan it right, It shouldn’t be so hard. We have Lizzie now. I don’t think I can do both—,”

“Yes, you can.” Bucky cut her off again, determinedly reassuring her. She wished she had that same faith in herself but she just shook her head. How could she be a mother and manage her own business at the same time? Winter Bakery had just been opened for a few months before she realized she was pregnant. She remembered all those days she sluggishly went to work with her belly swollen, trying her best to show her employees that she knew what she was doing but deep down inside, she had no clue. All the anxiety she was facing with opening her own bakery cafe and being a new mother were all too overwhelming for her. She was in uncharted territories. It was pathetic. She was pathetic. This was not how she imagined their first year of marriage would be like at all. They hadn’t planned to get pregnant. They were going to wait it out, prioritize their careers first before they even discussed having a baby. Now, their plans were all screwed. And she hated herself for thinking that way, she loved Lizzie with her whole heart, seeing her for the first time she knew she’d never love anyone the way she loved her child and yet… the guilt was eating her alive and she hated herself for it. Winter Bakery could wait, she just has to—

“Y/N come on, this is your dream.” Bucky’s convincing voice cut her out of her reverie.

“Yes, but it’s different now. It’s not just the two of us anymore, Bucky. We have Lizzie, and you’re about to get promoted. You can’t just slow down in your job but I still can. I’ve only been open for a year—”

“Yes and you’d stay open for a lot more. Come on, we can do this, Y/N. Tomorrow, I’d get off work so you can visit your shop,”

“Bucky, you just got back to work. You can’t miss it tomorrow.” She replied exasperatedly. The reason he went back earlier despite Shield having a longer paternity leave was for his promotion. He needed to clock in more hours, show that he was up for it.

“Watch me,”

“Bucky, come on. You’re getting promoted remember? Steve said so himself, it’s almost already a done deal. I’m being serious,”

“And I’m not?”

She gave him a face that said he was pushing his luck and he tried his best not to laugh at her. She looked adorable whenever she gave him that face. He flashed her her favorite smirk as he put Lizzie down. Lying back down beside her, he let out a huge exhale.

“Come here,” he said, beckoning his arm out for her. She laid her head on his chest, right under his calm heartbeat, feeling herself relax in sync with him. He softly played with her hair, brushing his lips on her forehead gently.

“I’m being serious too, Doll. Stop doubting yourself. You’re more than capable enough to handle this. I know you,” Bucky reassured her, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

“But how can you be so sure, Buck? I have no idea what the hell I’m doing half the time,” she replied, hating the whine that seeped into her voice.

Bucky chuckled from underneath her, the rumbles from his chest somehow easing her worries. “Baby, you married me. What more proof do you need?”

“Come on, you’re not that bad,” she said, feeling a smile tugging at her lips despite herself as she propped her head up to look at him.

“Babe, seriously. Go to your shop tomorrow. I can get Steve to cover for me. With this promotion, I’ll be earning a lot more. We can get the best day care for Lizzie when you start going back to work. Hell, even hire a nanny if we really need to. We’ll be fine, Y/N. I promise, trust me.” He said, tucking her stray hair back behind her ears. He looked at her with all the trust and encouragement in his eyes.

“We’ll make it work?” She asked, doubt still in her voice but feeling a weight being lifted off her chest.

“We’ll make it work.” He reassured her, nodding his head before craning his neck forward to give her a gentle kiss, calming all the worries and tension she’d been feeling all day. That night, as sleep claimed her, she had a gnawing feeling deep in her gut that no matter what happens with Winter Bakery, everything was still going to be okay. Because she’d always have Bucky.

______________________________________________________________________

Y/N waited in bed as Bucky tucked Lizzie in after getting home from the hospital. Soon after Steve had left, the test results came back and it turned out she had a UTI. They were immediately discharged when her fever had lowered with a prescription of a round of antibiotics. Y/N let out a sigh, it had been such a long night and she was relieved and thankful Lizzie didn’t have anything more serious. As to Bucky, she felt… oddly calm and relieved too. Finally, it felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. Her marriage, although broken and beaten, was at least honest now. Only question was, where do they go from here?

Bucky cleared his throat when he entered their room, Y/N looked up at him from her perch on her side of the bed with an empty look on her face. For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what she was thinking, he didn’t know what to say to make her feel better. And it was his damned fault that he couldn’t. He only wished he could turn back time and undo all the mistakes he made because it wasn’t worth it. None of it was worth it to lose his family.

“How long has it been going on, Bucky?” She asked him, her voice numb. He closed his eyes, shaking his head. Why did she want to hurt herself like this? Did she know it would hurt him just as much too?

“Y/N, please don’t ask me that,”

“You wanted to explain, didn’t you? So do it now, answer my question, explain. How long has it been going on?” She asked again patiently. She didn’t know where the hell she got her patience from but it was better than breaking down and throwing things at him which was what she always thought she might do. Silly of her to think she’d even have the energy for that.

“Two months.” He answered truthfully, letting out a puff of air as his jaw twitched, his hands forming fists at his sides, trying his damned best to keep his distance and not to wrap his arms around her, to prove his love for her. He knew it wouldn’t work anyway and she deserved better than that. She nodded her head as if considering but in all honesty, she didn’t even know where she was going with this, she didn’t know why she was asking things that would break her. All she knew was that it was better to know than be kept in the dark, better than being lied to.

“How did it start?”

“Y/N…”

“How did it start, Bucky?”

”I, I met her at a bar,” Bucky uncomfortably answered, swallowing a lump in his throat. No more lying. But a voice in the back of his head told him this wasn’t going to end well. She was going to make him leave. He was going to lose her.

“You say you don’t love her. You love me?” She asked, her voice finally breaking, her eyes shining with unshed tears. She fought so hard not to cry, her throat worked as she swallowed down her tears, her body stiffened at trying to control herself, to keep herself together. Bucky was in front of her in a stride. Kneeling down, he put his hands on her arms and stared deep into her eyes willing her to understand and to listen to him.

“Yes, god, yes! Y/N, I love you. You’re the one I love. I swear, it’s always been you,” He said frantically, slightly shaking her, his eyes convincing her to take him back but she just stared back at him doubtfully, her brows furrowed. She shook her head as she backed away from him and stood up.

“No, Bucky. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have cheated on me.”

“Two months!” She screamed exasperatedly as if finally understanding everything he’s told her. How could he have slept beside her and pretended everything was alright for two whole months while meeting up with another woman? How could he tell her he loved her when he had been lying to her face? It was as if a dam had broken loose inside her, all of her emotions spilling over.

“I can’t even look at you right now, Bucky. How can you do this to me? To us? To Lizzie? We’re your family.” She paced the room, her hand on her forehead as she tried to think back on all those times she tried to make it work. “You know, I don’t even know if I believe you! You’ve been way distant for longer, I doubt it’s only been for two months!”

“No, Y/N! I’m not lying about that, I swear! No more lies anymore. Y/N please... I’m sorry,” He pleaded, his voice becoming desperate. Did it even matter anymore that he wasn’t lying now? The point was that he still fucked up. And there was nothing he could do to make it right. He had no excuse, he was a selfish bastard.

She scoffed at that, her voice incredulous as she whirled back at him, “A little too late for that, don’t you think? What did you think, Bucky? That you’re the only one who makes sacrifices? I know starting a family was the least of priorities when we got married but we said we’d make it work. You promised, we’d make it work! I’ve stayed loyal to you throughout everything and this is how you treat me when you say you love me?”

“I’m sorry,” He hung his head knowing his words weren’t enough. He wished she would punch him, hurt him, do her worst to make herself feel better because she deserved that. God, she deserved better than that.

“Get out, Bucky. I don’t care where you stay, just please leave.” Her voice quivered, tears welling in her eyes. She tried to regain her composure but her traitorous tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Y/N, I… please just tell me what to do to fix this and I’ll do it. This is completely my fault. There’s no excuse, but please, just please give me another chance,” Bucky desperately tried to get near her again, to hold her close but she stepped back as if his touch would burn her.

“For months, you’ve made me feel like I wasn’t enough and still I ran after you. What? You think I didn’t know? You come home late at night drunk and smelling like her perfume and you think I wouldn’t notice? All those times I waited up for you, cooked your favorite dinner, come by your office only to find you not there but still, stupid me, hoped you’d come to your senses and get back to me.” She laughed dryly at that, shaking her head at her foolishness but continued on, he needed to know how he made her feel. She wanted him to hurt as much as she was hurting.

“It’s too late, Bucky. I… god! Can you believe that, Buck? I knew all along but I ignored it ‘cause I knew I’d let it all go if you just stopped. You had me wrapped around your fingers, doing anything for your whim, following whatever you wanted and I lost myself in it! You’ve made me into such a fool and I can’t even blame you for it! I was so stupid for you. And that’s my fault. I deserve better, no more of this. You need to leave, I don’t care where you go. Stay in your office or go to her house. I don’t care, just leave!”

Bucky stared at her, a lump painfully lodged in his throat as what she said dawned on him. Shame, guilt and regret punched him in the gut. He hated himself more than anything. He’d been such an asshole, the worst husband he could imagine. How could he have treated the only woman he’s ever loved like this? What kind of a sick monster was he?

“I’m sorry,” he says again, pathetic words he knew wouldn’t change a thing. He turned to leave, feeling her eyes boring into his back, hoping against all odds that she’d call him back. Once he reached the door, his hand lingered on the knob, there was one more thing he needed to ask, and he was afraid to even think about what she would say.

“Y/N...” he turned back to look at her, his eyes searching and pleading.

“What are we going to tell Lizzie?”

Y/N sighed, burying her face in her hands. She looked so small and defeated and all Bucky wanted to do was to run to her and envelope her in his arms, hug all her problems away. But he was the one who caused all of this and there was nothing he could do but to accept whatever she wanted to throw his way.

“I don’t know, Bucky. I don’t know,” her gaze drifted skyward, as if she could get her answers from there. She was confused, her bravado slipping. It was a different thing when she thought he hadn’t cared at all, that he was going to give them up for his mistress but he wanted to stay, he wanted to fight. And who was she to take her daughter’s father away from her? It wouldn’t be fair to Lizzie.

“I’m going to tell her you’re called for work and need to be away for awhile. At least, while she’s sick. I don’t want to stress her out more and then, we’ll give her the talk,” her eyes didn’t betray the warring emotions in her heart. She wanted him to see that she was determined. She wasn’t backing out, he was still leaving. Period.

Bucky nodded, giving her a grateful, forlorn smile. She was the best mother he could’ve asked for his child.

“Thank you, Y/N. I’ll grab my stuff tomorrow. I promise you won’t have to see me then. But baby, please, think about this. Don’t give up on us, give me another chance to prove myself, please,” he pleaded with her again, hoping if he gave her enough space she’d want to talk soon. She just stared at him, her eyebrows knitting. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t even really know how these things went.

“I’ll give you all the time you need, Y/N. But please just, please don’t give up on us,” he begged again, softly this time. His eyes conveying all the guilt and fear he felt and all Y/N could do was nod. What was she supposed to say anyway? Say “thank you” to the only decent thing he could do? She wanted to laugh at the irony of that. The best thing the man she loved could do for her was to leave her alone. What has her world come to?

“Bucky, wait,” she called out as he opened the door. Bucky looked back at her, his hopeful eyes scanning her face. Y/N felt shame and anger boiling in her veins, making her resolve stronger.

“Could you leave your keys once you get your stuff?” She asked coldly, keeping her voice strong. If he thought she was going to be easy, he was wrong.

“Of course,” Bucky assured her, willing to give her the world if she just asked him to.

“Take all the time you need. I… just know, I’ll always be here, waiting,” he said sincerely, humbly, laying his soul at her feet. He didn’t care if it took forever, whatever it takes.

Part 7

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