#they denied me three times
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#i just want to scream#i know my familys not perfect#i know theyre actually pretty unbearable at some points#but god i love them#and im so tired of everyone in my life wanting to avoid them like theyre the plague#so when it came to my first real christmas with my partner#i just wanted them to come home with me and have fun and see that theyre not as bad as my bad days make them seem#but no#they denied me three times#so i bit my lip and said okay and moved on#and now it just feels like theyre trying to turn it back on me#saying that i was worried about money so they wanted to stay and work#and i get the sentiment i do#but we both knew i was getting a big check for christmas#so we would have been fine#i dont know#i feel like a fucking fool#like this is just how its going to be#its like being left out and skipped over all over again#and i try talking about it but they say the conversations making them sad and theyre never in the right place to handle it#i dont know i guess i dont give a fuck#i need to just shut up and move on i guess#realize nothings ever going to change#i hate being alive so much#personal#ignore
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i fear the ending of agatha all along is once again making people confuse “i didn’t like the ending/the ending made me sad” with “that was bad writing”
#like don’t get me wrong there are other things i wish we’d gotten (rio and agatha’s backstory and agatha getting the dark hold for instance)#but the finale made perfect sense. and like yes i understand bury your gays is never fun#but sometimes gays just die. mainly when they’re in love with DEATH like cmon#and she’s a ghost so she’s barely even dead#like y’all are out here making me defend MARVEL and their writing can we please not#agatha all along is genuinely one the best things marvel has put out in a long time - start to finish#and the writing is good - ESPECIALLY in the last two eps. sorry!#like i saw some people saying ‘oh they did used the whole show to tell us she wasn’t evil and then erased it in three seconds’#like babe if you genuinely think that i’m afraid you’re lacking media literacy#agatha IS evil they’ve never tried to deny that#there’s just also more to her than that and that’s what the show has been about#how she is misunderstood and also does a lot of bad things. two things can be true#agatha all along
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i do not want to dig a hole but i am too much of a laura bailey pc enjoyer to not make this post so:
selfishness ≠ a lack of kindness
selfishness is a theme that has come up with all of laura's main campaign pcs. that doesn't mean that her characters are always making selfish choices or that they don't care about the rest of the people they're with or that they're not good. it's just that, for the most part, the first thing they're thinking of when they take action or make choices is themselves.
in jester and vex both it is more typical and obvious selfishness. vex's developed because she needed it to keep herself and vax alive and as safe as possible and it grew into a behaviour that she had to actively work to avoid. it's evident in her greed, her theft of the broom, her reaction to her own death which relied heavily on i'm okay/i survived to which keyleth reminded her that she wasn't the only one who had to witness and reckon with her death. in jester's case, she grew up in an environment that literally trained her to make every decision based on two things - her mother's opinion and her own. so, when she's out in the world without marion for the first time, her choices are those that will benefit her and her actions are those that consider her own thoughts and not really many others' (aside from the traveler's).
it isn't a criticism of either vex or jester to say that they are characters who act selfishly. in fact, i'd argue that to claim otherwise does a great disservice to exactly how immense both of their character arcs are. because the nuance of both jester and vex is that they are selfish, and they also hold extreme room for self-sacrifice and empathy. vex is much more brash than jester is, and jester is much more trusting than vex, but both of them are characters who begin with selfish impulses who grow with them. neither ever truly shed those impulses, but they use them in new ways, typically transforming them into impulses towards things that are in the best interest of the party.
you may have noticed the lack of imogen in this post about laura bailey pcs and that's because of two reasons. one, we are an unknown amount of time into her story, i can't analyse her development the same way i can vex and jester's. two, imogen's selfishness isn't the blatant quasi-self-aware selfishness that we see in things like jester complaining about her lack of money to caleb or vex stealing a broom. instead, imogen's is very internal, like a lot of laura's character work with imogen. it is a bit similar to jester’s in the sense that it comes from a lack of awareness moreso than vex’s practiced behaviour, but imogen’s is a lot more tied to inherent beliefs she has about the world and the people in it.
as a consequence of her powers, imogen sees people's thoughts as their entirety, she holds it above their actions to be the truth of who they are - to act against what they think or to say something that doesn’t cohere with what they’ve thought is akin to lying, so for her to act empathetically is to act in tandem with what someone else’s thoughts are, not how they act, which is typically not all that wanted. the same as vex’s greed and jester’s naivety, this is a trait that makes narrative sense and it’s one i find quite compelling, especially when read in the vein of someone struggling through trauma that has made them assume that the world is against them. imogen’s cynicism is coherent cynicism, i can’t say that in a similar situation i wouldn’t have the same predisposition towards the world.
the part that is particularly self-interested comes in if you look at how imogen has actually been treated in the campaign (quite well) in comparison to the cynicism that she’s developed from her past (something that speaks to a world out to get her). certainly, a bunch of shitty things have happened to imogen in the time we’ve known her, but the same can be said for everyone in bell’s hells and pretty much everyone in exandria at this point in time. but, in a fight to save the aforementioned world, imogen’s focus was getting her mother back on her side. which, while very consistent with her character and a choice that i enjoy, is a very selfish one. the fun thing (to me, obviously) about imogen is that she has, more than most, an insight into the opinions of others and she also tends to seek others’ opinions out and genuinely engages with them and supports their choices. but she still very much acts towards what she thinks is best. it’s one reason i enjoy looking at the dynamic between her and orym as one between foils, as orym tends to be stalwart in his beliefs and doesn’t care too much for other’s opinions if he’s already sure of his own, but his actions tend to favour collaboration and protecting others.
as i mentioned earlier, imogen is a harder case to look at because she is still in the process of her story. however, the circlet is clearly influencing how she interacts with the world and in the wake of the solstice, the hostile reaction towards ruidusborn people has started to become more and more apparent and i’m interested to see what route that ends up leading imogen down and how it will influence her relationship with the rest of bell’s hells. (for better, i think, based on recent conversations, but if it's for worse i will be just as seated and excited).
all of this is just to say, please stop assuming that claiming a character has a trait you think is a bad one is criticism or a hate post. in light of the fact that i know that people who don’t believe this will continue to not believe this, i’ll encourage anyone confused about the ability of a character to be good and kind and selfish all at once to look to what the text itself says, specifically scanlan’s words to pelor when asked what vex means to him:
“Her name is Vex, and she is greedy and mean sometimes, and she can steal a lot. She’s a little bit not the greatest person, but her flaws highlight everything that is right about her, which is she does all these things to protect her friends and her family. She would give her life for any of us and for anyone who was truly in need. And she’s not perfect but she’s the most perfect of all of us.”
would you look at that... an ability to be a multitude of things, some in conflict with one another. i know that's hard for fandoms to believe, especially about female characters with agency, but i promise its true!
#deeply unfair of laura to make three characters with some type of people skills and morality shaped by their loneliness#and what. i’m just supposed act like i’m normal about that?#this is me blog and i have slightly more time than usual to write nothing essays about fictional characters that haunt me#but dear god . lookin at cr characters and denying their flaws is like looking at a house and only seeing it’s doors .#if ppl demand perfection of fictional characters im genuinely curious in what media they’ve ever found that .#a single imogen post of mine broke containment and it skyrocketed my annoying phil student levels so. alas#but . if you agree that imogen had an incredibly isolating life . i will emphasize that isolation causes traits and behaviours#that aren’t just Quirky or fun or hot anger or whatever#imogen contains so much i love her so much i am bursting at the seams about it#but for some ppl. she is ur ‘girlfailure’ until someone suggests a way she might be girl failing by being selfinterested#what is the truth. do u want her to be an actual girlfailure it do u just want her to suit a . frankly tired. trope about lesbians#anyway . both text and tag rant over . goodnight#cr meta#imogen temult#vex’ahlia#vex’ahlia de rolo#jester lavorre#critical role#my posts
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It was only supposed to be Joe 5 with three others, but then this happened and now a wholeass roster has formed...
The beauty mark became a star tattoo (he painted over it). Also I'm trying out a beige jacket instead. The orange works better here.
Blue variation:
#baldis basics#BBAU#WTTW#so many...#billy#denied#dave 1#viktor#gonzalo#joe 5#dia#c baldi#plus baldi#alex#aldurra#billy is just. short. local lithuanian short king. how viktor let this guy be a warden for two (2) whole alexes is beyond me#denied looks like a friend despite everything. please cherish him#dave 1 would like viktor to throw him back into prison to avoid spending one (1) more second floating next to two of the three billters#i wish i had dave 82 in on this but hed have to stand for it to be accurate. just know that all daves share the same height#viktor is in the dumbest “i had to do it to them” pose ever#gonzalos details didnt kill me this time#joes would have an oval nose but somehow i think a pointier one would suit 5 sorry#dia got very tol#c baldi with the blue eyes and DCed limbs+fingers and those hem flairs#plus is a stereotypical baldi but only appearance-wise#gotta love alex hiding his scythe as poorly as possible#and aldurra spawning a third finger just to flip someone off#and despite all this. joe 5 has never talked to any of these people. well he encountered alex once during the Incident but thats about it
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thinking about the jimmy scar pearl venn diagram and absolutely just disintegrating over it
#(obligatory: as characters)#was extensively rambling to myself in discord when i realized the lifers who anguish me most narratively are those three#(out of the ones that i am familiar with anyways)#thinking about this more and getting so inconsolably sad. hey guys does the loneliness ever eat you alive#the ostracization the isolation the shame the guilt the desperate continual want & desire for genuine human connection#only to be categorically denied it at every turn#to be mocked because you cannot fly though you desperately try. and you fall each and every single time#to be so easily discarded because you will always die first. a truth so widely accepted you almost start to believe in it too#because being a ''good person'' just simply isn't how you play this game#because it's a fundamental truth of this world that you always play the role of the villain. why start acting differently now?#you were left behind and abandoned and locked up. thrown inside that tower to rot.#your hair will never be long enough to let down so you cut it all off. and when you start yelling & screaming & drawing blood because of it#it only further convinces everyone else that this was the right decision#because you're a danger. a menace. a demon. and you will only ever hurt the ones you love#Hey. Hi. Hello#Hey guys. i need jimmy to win so so so so so so badly
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It’s always interesting to me when someone starts yelling at me for saying tøp references the Bible in their songs because first of all, go fact check that there’s some Reddit threads with your name on them, and second, you specialize in dying, you hear me screaming “father” and I’m lying here just crying, so wash me with your water
I’m not saying it’s wrong to not know there are bible references in their songs you can interact with their music however the hell you want it’s just funny to me when people get mad at me for saying they’re there like girl those are just little Easter eggs why are you upset I pointed them out
#sometimes I find one in a song and I get so joyous I found one without having to look it up!#im like 95% sure addict with a pen is about Jesus but I’ll look it up later#I also noticed in ode to sleep he references that one verse about Peter denying Jesus three times before the rooster crows#I like finding little things in their songs wether it’s a bible reference or a lore reference or just silly#and also before anyone gets mad at me and says I’m projecting religion onto this band. they’re both Christian too. look it up.#tøp clique#tøp#twenty øne piløts#twenty one pilots#addict with a pen
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Luke 22:61-62 (NKJV) - And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” So Peter went out and wept bitterly.
#Luke 22:61-62#Lord#turned#looked#Peter#remembered#word#He#said#rooster#crows#deny Me#three times#went#wept#bitterly
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alright as much as everyone (including me) has been nitpicking and critiquing season three of bridgerton i have to hand them one thing and that's no other season has made me this insane
#queen charlotte was beautiful wonderful gorgeous fantastic well written made me cry etc#and yes it did make me insane i won't deny it#but the thing about it is i'm satisfied with where the story ended up it feels finished to me im not clamoring for more#season two i wanted more kanthony and i got it season three i loved what we got from them#but season three polin? im rewatching a thousand times im dissecting the acting choices im wanting to bap the editors on the head#im watching every reaction i physically can stand to watch im watching the interviews im making edits im writing fanfic etc etc#like. i think it truly walks such a lovely horrible little line of being SO CLOSE to perfect so close to everything i ever wanted and it is#just SLIGHTLY imperfect enough that im yelling NO NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CHARACTERS LIKE I DO#where i'm defensive and saying no please look colin has liked penelope this whole time it didn't START at the kiss you have to understand#anyway. how are you guys? im normal. im normal#bridgerton#bridgerton spoilers#txtly
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Deacon really just wants to learn about all the deities and so he really would be interested in meeting more deities but also he's not convinced Ohiwe and Ohime would ever suggest this for his own benefit. He's a bit scared which is fair.
#my characters#the fire deities do actually use nicknames for the other deities such as ymber is ym#and its not like every single time they talk to or about ymber that they use it#however there IS a deity that they have both very fondly dubbed Princess#and Princess is always Princess never anything else#no one else calls him Princess - its just the duo#deacon really would absolutely love to go and meet other deities IF he got to meet them with ymber#if hes separated from ymber hell cry tho do not separate him from his boss#its really cool how i was sick for two days and then last night the second i posted the art#i got slammed with a weather warning and had to shut down#and it was stormy all night and all day until about 2pm i think it quieted down?#and then my internet is still very upset and refuses to load tabs i try to load#and it took me uhhhhh three attempts to load tumblr and create a new post#it denied me post making rights and i was getting worried
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As I'm dealing with that, I also want to know about the development of amalgamation within all the African empires.
#thats a whole continent away and also i need to unpack china first tbh.#but itd be so interesting to see how THEY responded to the change from panning gold to requiring additional processing#this was undoubtedly well-recorded by Timbuktu too#ahhhh i love history so much this makes me so happy#Oh additionally; if anyone has been following this saga and reading this far: I was reading Mercury Mining and Empire which is EXTREMELY#well researched and its such a joy to read although the subject matter is... god its hard. But im getting into the mercury toxicology bit#and the guy is explaining the difference between methyl mercury and inorganic mercury and im like u have done such a good job plz dont take#my thesis lololol#But also I'm hanging on this because its so well researched and he's spent time painting the picture of brutality that was enforced.#The Spanish Empire was so horrible.#I cannot emphasize enough how many people in the colonies knew this was wrong and even petitioned the king about the mita#and the petition was denied. They all wrote about the horrors of Potosi. They all knew where their silver came from.#One official notably wrote: 'I didnt come to the colony to have the doors of heaven closed upon me.'#and that plea to the crown hits harder than most of the descriptions.#ANYWAY sorry for the tag essay but my three hour flight was historically exciting~
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I wanna!! Keep requests open!! But its frustrating when people can't respect my DNI!! Doubly do when they interact with me and break their OWN!!! DNI!!!
#tl posts#this is technically vagueposting the user who just deactivated after some back and forth discussion abt their req#when i checked their DNI they had stuff that broke MY DNI and THEIR OWN DNI by interacting w me#and when i sent them a message i realized they were almost indentical to a user i denied + blocked several months ago (as in bio+icon+ocs)#who ALSO deactivated when i told them no abt a request they sent me#bc they were identical to a user I had JUST blocked BEFORE them. like THREE TIMES!!! STOPMAKING ACCS TO INTERACT W ME!!!!!!
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one thing that being out in the "real world" so far has taught me at least is that I Am Definitely A Lesbian. getting gayer by the day in fact.
#at least i think. maybe its comphet maybe i do have like two fictional men im attracted to.#key word being fictional. ive never understood attraction to real men even during the two crushes on men ive had in my entire life.#im not going to deny my attraction's existence at those times but they were based off an image i had of the people in my head#feeling romantic attraction is a very rare occasion for me (im somewhat arospec) but of the three crushes ive had ever#the one on a woman was the most real#anyways ive been having this label shift for around a year now and i finally feel like im growing into it#and i dont feel like theres plausible deniability anymore either. its starting to just feel like me.
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my mother has been in the hospital all week, and i don’t know when she’ll be released, because she broke both of her wrists after we had an absolutely lovely day saturday, and i know i’m a grown adult but i keep having crying jags because i miss my mom and this is the third longest time she’s ever been away from me in my whole life man 😭 it’s embarrassing!!!
#and people at work are FUCKING USELESS and no one will come in early so I can leave work early and see her at the hospital#everyone i ask says no or comes up with an excuse and idc if it’s vindictive of me but ill remember that shit#and next time someone asks for time off or something I am going to be petty and deny it#if you can’t help me when i am facing a family crisis by myself fuck you!#i asked every single one of my people if they could come in for THREE HOURS so I could see her and every one said no. cmon.#even my field supervisor is disgusted with how no one is willing to help me out. but everyone complains about needing more money.#and when the opportunity for money is presented and it’s approved overtime they say no. huh.#I’d go after work but i HAVE to get back home to the animals
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i sit and stew on a post so potent about the victim blaming that goes on in wider fandom headcanons about these characters that goes unnoticed because it's never overt or even intentional and i eat my hands because it's the jumpscare games for kids with their parents' credit cards.
#oh boy six a.m.! ( ooc )#|| the shortest form of the post is that.#|| people would rather will be insane and believe he's doing his best for those kids.#|| than entertain the possibility that he was an angry man like so many angry men.#|| and when you tip that domino. it does not stop falling.#|| if he loved and supported his kids why did michael act out that way? was it just his fault?#|| and i say this as someone who also takes mike to task for the bullying and fratricide but like.#|| to paint a picture of the perfect afton house. to say those three kids were consistently loved and treated well.#|| is to say what happened to them was pure happenstance.#|| which leaves a sour taste in my mouth and makes me kinda nauseous.#|| better that michael is just a bully and elizabeth was beloved and what happened to her was an accident.#|| and not a result of neglect and endangerment.#|| it feels like rolling a rock uphill to go into the tags every time and see how william was a loving parent.#|| and it also denies the reality that. your parent can love you and abuse you. it happens so often.#|| sometimes a parent will think they're doing what's best for you and they'll hold you dear in their heart.#|| and the physical manifestation of that love is nevertheless deeply harmful.#|| if will must be out of touch with reality why isn't it the idea that he did nothing wrong with his kids when that isn't at all true.#|| three dead kids all at his facilities but it's because michael was a bully elizabeth didn't listen and ennard just Did That.#|| not because evan had his party at a place he hated. or william brought his daughter to the premiere of his child killing machine.#|| gwuhhhh bluhhh GEHHHHHHHH. AAAAAAAAAAA.#negativity ///
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A thing I pre-ordered months ago has shipped!
What's the thing?
Keepsake Quilting, and several other quilt companies/stores, put a sort of gift box together with fabric, notions, patterns, and gift cards in them. You don't know what you're getting, making it a surprise. I have never purchased one because they're expensive. This was 50% upfront, 50% when shipped, for a total of $150. Considering how much is in it, and what reviews were left the last several years, it's a steal. Plus, I wanna treat myself after having such a stressful and unpleasant year.
My mom and one of aunts have ordered such boxes in the past, but according to my mom, they're disappointing because she has so many of the things in the package, or no use for many of them. Rulers (some of which cost $30), needles, rotary cutters and extra blades (blades can be $10/each, new cutters up to $50), fabric marking tools (chalk pencils, disappearing ink, etc), precut fabric collections (jelly rolls can be $80, fat quarter collections up to $100 depending on number of FQs), and yardage ($12.99-$21.99/yard). She's been disappointed by "ugly" fabric too many times.
I, on the other hand, have significantly fewer tools. I make things for people to buy, and some folks love fabric I cannot stand (like x-mas and patriotic prints). There have been fabrics I consider well and truly hideous, and those I list in my shop or sell to people here. One person's trash is another's treasure, right? I've met people who think pastels are ugliest things to have ever existed. I think baby pink and green military camouflage look fantastic together, as well as turquoise and light hemp brown or terracotta and peacock blue. My mom finds them hideous. I think pink and any shade of brown look terrible together, or red and khaki (likely from working at Target and seeing is everywhere). Again, personal taste.
If any of you ever fancy treating me to one of these random collections of fabric and/or notions, feel free to do so. They're the sort of surprise I enjoy (that and people purchasing my work, especially from my shop). Sure, there are things that may he of no use to me, but others can use them. Nothing goes to waste.
This package will be arriving on November 18th, and has me giggling with excitement!
#words from the artist#my year has been filled with my husband nearly dying and us having thousands of dollars in medical bills to pay AFTER#the financial aid program forgave three of the six bills. we have around $5k of thag left to pay off#and one of the bills has gone to collections#plus my ear issues that cleared up after over six months of torment. my husband had to quit his previous job because working in#kitchens was slowly killing him and is now working fulltime in theory but not getting enough hours#i've sold virtually nothing and have had to beg for aid because not enough money due to lack of hours and lack of sales#my asthma throwing a fit and my sewing room being entirely too hot to work in and remaining that way for weeks at a time#then my left wrist being injured and leaving me unable to do virtually anything.#my husband then being taken to court by Unemployment three years after receiving the money. oh and being denied Unemployment#this year so for 10 weeks were on thoughts and prayers while he hunted for a non-kitchen job#plus his major surgery over the summer that was 100% covered by financial aid because we opted for a different hospital#there have been good things like he has insurance now and i'm abke to walk without feeling like i'm walking on glass#plus a few commissions over the summer. but those have been among the very few good things. oh and he won his court case#i would just like to have the rest of the year be filled with good things like all or most of my listed quilts selling. someone#commissioning me to finish the quilts i have listed as available to handquilting. the tops are finished but if i finish the quilts#completely they're gonna take up sooooo much space. even folded and rolled up. i store them in plastic bins to protect them but the#bins take up a lot of space. people praise my work and tell me hoe much they wanna buy it or will buy the things as soon as i list them...#and then no one buys them and the things just hang in my closet or rest in a bin. it's extremely disheartening to be repeatedly#disappointed. it has made me cry and question if it's worth making anything at all.
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every time i have a favorite professor, they leave the next year… even with tenure…
#well. the one thats leaving now may not have come to this decision if admin hadnt denied it to her and four others last year for no reason#it was excepted this time but admin hasnt put out an email or anything to recognize it#*accepted#this is far from the worst that admin has done but it still gets me how they are sickening on every level. sucking this place dry and#forcing everyone who cares abt this place to leave#painting over murals. installing four cameras just to make sure no one chalks and brightens up the place a little. rips through the plant#life without going through the proper channels resulting in damage that will take over a decade to heal#rendering the title ix office useless at a time when reports are becoming more common#this college had been damn near perfect for me.. i cant imagine theres another one like this (that wouldnt require me taking out a huge loan#to afford)#we are literally gonna have two chemistry faculty returning next year. and one of them can only teach lab. we will be lucky if we can hire#three more to fill the empty spots. 0 chance of getting a pchemist cause the interim provost at the time had fucking ragged on the candidate#abt race and gender in a last minute meeting that made the candidate have to rush to the airport#fuck man….
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