#they couldnt scream for a while bc i was so far behind but we are at th same ish place rn and its a lifeline

[stoneclaw]

so aspen how's orv-

[jyoongim]

Rip ur inbox tbh 💔 (it’s late while im doing this bc i can’t sleep and my brain is absolutely COOKIG UP some ideas based on these prompts)

i spun the wheel and it was RIGHT between saucy and flavor… soooooo do with that what you will lol

prompt 3

Alastor x reader

Romantic 💞

# 11

# 12

^ with those maybe He took reader out on a stroll around hell? (tooootally platonically.. he doesn’t like them whattttt pft…

and it started to rain?

(OMG WAIT DANCING IN THE RAIN???? LET ME COOK???

CONFESSION IN THE RAIN??? AND ITS ALL DRAMATIC AND SHIT AND THEN THEY KISS?? IM SCREAMING INTO THE ABYSS SILENTLY OMG???)

# 18 (i’m a sloucher im guilty of it lol but i alway try to adjust it with people i like. Sooo maybe reader adjusts their posture whenever he’s in the room because he usually moves his hand to her lower back and gently pushes it forward so she could fix her posture,so whenever she sees him it’s just an automatic thing? i think that’s would be cute lol. this could be a hint that she likes him as a “obviously pinning” thing)

Prompt 3, # 11 & 12 FLUFF! Jacket/puddle

I KNOW YOU REQUESTED #18 S SO ILL BE WRITING THAT SOON!

————————————————————————————————

You had accompanied Alastor out for a scroll around Hell. He had some business to attend to and you were more than happy to get away from the hotel for a bit.

It was such a lovely day, though a bit chilly than you expected. You walked close to Alastor to obtain some warmth.

You really didn’t think your outfit out.

Alastor seemed to notice your shivering and placed his jacket on your shoulders. “Can't have you catch a cold now can we?” He had said, fastening the jacket.

You thanked him and continued on your walk.

It had been a while and you notice the weather start to change.

A wet drop on your nose had you reeling as the sky suddenly bursted with acidic rain. The two of you quickly huddled under a nearby shop covering.

You offered the demon his coat back, feeling bad that he would get wet form the rain, but he declined.

You were just too cute to be soaked like a dog.

“The hotel isn’t far Ithink we can make a run for it” you suggested and the two of you were off.

You giggled as the two of you ran, the rain drenching your feet and Alastor as you ran through the rain.

Alastor blocked you as a big puddle rippled in front of you. He hopped over the puddle and gracefully had his shadow lift you over the puddle.

You blushed and thanked him. 

You couldnt help but stare at him as the rain fell around the two of you.

His red hair was dripping, shirt soaked but he looked so handsome.

The rain wasn’t so bad and you had reached the hotel.

”Are you alright my dear?” Alastor asked as you leaned against a pillar.

You smiled “quite alright”

The two of you stood there and watched the rain.

“The rain is quite lovely” you said mindlessly, holding your hand out to catch the drops.

A warm body slithered behind you, arms outlining yours to hold your palms.

”Not as lovely as you my dear” he drawled in your ear.

Your eyes widened and you turned slightly to see the red demon looking at you with such affection in his eyes.

”Al?” He leaned down and pressed his lips to your burning cheek.

”more lovelier than Hell’s rainstorm”

[linopetal]

lily calla’s.

genre : mostly angst ( ? )

pairings : na jaemin x reader

warnings : mentions of underage drinking , cursing , like one mention of making out , cheating

word count : 1.8k

authors note : oh wow :O this fic is personal in a way 2 me bc its based off of something that happened to me - today in class i saw a sight and it brought up old feelings which inspired this fic. i hope you enjoy it <3 !

you vividly remember the first time you had met na jaemin. it was your first day in the first grade. you had been so nervous. you were often quite , not outgoing at all , you didnt know how to react when you walked into a classroom full of people. everyone had introduced themselves. but one person stuck out to you , na jaemin. you remember the smile plastered on his face when the bell rang for recess. you ran straight towards the monkey bars. when you looked right behind you , there he was. he slowly walked up towards you with a big welcoming smile on his face, “ hi im jaemin , nice to meet you “ he said. “ oh um im y/n “ you nervously spoke. that had been your first encounter with the black haired boy. and that had been the start of your blossoming love for him.

in the sixth grade , your mom took you to a halloween carnival. you vividly remember the purple and black witch costume your mom made you. you loved that costume. halloween was one of your favorite holidays and times of the year , you always loved trick or treating and getting candy. your mom had decided to take you to a near by carnival. as soon as you got there , you ran to find soonyoung , your best friend since kindergarten. “ y/n do you want to go play go fish ? “ , soonyoung asked you. “ of course “ , you responded. you remember your poor skills of attempting to throw the ping pong ball into the water. after 5 tries you finally decided to give up. but around that time , you saw in the corner if your eye jaemin walking up to you. you had felt butterflies overcrowd your heart. “ hey y/n , i beat i can win you one ! “ he said joyfully. and again you were so happy. you remember him winning you a goldfish. you decided to name it nana after him. you kept that goldfish for years.

in the tenth grade , you remember that you were finally planning to confess. after years of being in denial for how you felt , you finally accepted it was time to tell him. you were mistaken. you and jaemin were only mutual friends , never reaching passed that stage. you didnt talk consistently. so you were taken aback when he randomly walked up to you one day during lunch. you thought that maybe this could be a good time. he looked happy today , maybe you would not receive a bad response. again , you were mistaken. when he finally reached you , he said words that broke you just a little , “ hey y/n ! do you know what somin’s favorite flower is ? i heard you two were friends and i wanted to get her something for her birthday since i kind of like her “ , he said nervously , scratching his head. you gulped , completely overwhelmed with feelings. of course you were happen he liked someone. somin was always kind and funny. how could he not like her ? she was particularly perfect. in this moment , you felt far from even remotely decent. you sighed and looked up with a fake smile , “ of course ! she always told me how she loves lily calla’s ! “ , you said , attempting to try your best at acting fine. beauty....thats what they represent , somin was beautiful. you were decent. she offered more than you could ever. “ thank you y/n “ he smiled and walked off.

you remember how you dreaded the eleventh grade. that year was something you could never forget. jaemin and somin were known as the best couple there was in the school. in class , they always were hand in hand every second and you hated it. it had been so many years yet you still loved him. and how ? you dont even know. but during that school year , you had finally decided something.

you had noticed this boy in your algebra class. his name was lee donghyuck. he was always so funny. he made jokes that could make you laugh endlessly. one day you had decided to ask him out. you knew you werent over jaemin , but you also knew you never had a chance. so you told yourself “ fuck it “ and went for it.

it was an impulsive decision, did it matter to you tho ? no. you nervously walked up to donghyuck with your hands in your pocket as he was putting his books in his locker. “ what do you want y/n “ , he said smirking “ “ hm i was thinking about if you want to go out with me on friday night ? “ you tilted your head towards him , “ i guess so “ he said smiling , “ see you then at eight , pick me up “ you said.

those were all members because now its your senior year and you finally had a boyfriend , couldnt you be more happy ? truthfully , you werent as happy as you planned. you were not over jaemin. you didnt think you ever would be. you tried to fall for hyuck , it was just hard. jaemin had been your one sided first love. but you still tried to love hyuck.

there was a party hyucks friend jaehyun was throwing. he had asked you to come as his date. you were beyond excited since parties with donghyuck had become a usual thing. he had helped you branch out of your shell and get out and experience things more. you were grateful.

you had decided to bring him coffee this morning to discuss him letting you stay at his place friday night after the party. as you were walking up to him , you noticed the change in his mood. why had he been acting strange lately ? for the last week , every time he looked at you , he seemed so uncomfortable as if he didnt want to be around you. you chose to ignore it and let it be. “ hey i brought you coffee like you like it “ , you said smiling “ thanks “ he said shortly , you chose to think he wasnt having a good day. after a few minutes of dry responses from him , you got fed up and left for class , you hoped this week didnt suck.

wrong. friday came along and you felt unusually odd. soonyoung had messaged you about her coming over to get ready for the party with you. as soon as you heard the doorbell ring , you ran towards it. “ soonyoung hi come in “ , “ you look so good “ you said “ no you please “ you both laughed and headed to your room to get ready. “ hey soonyoung , im starting to feel like donghyuck doesnt like me anymore “ you said pouting , “ really , ive seen the way he has acted lately. i hope its just a short phase “ she said patting your shoulder , “ yea me too “ you said slightly smiling. “ you look so hot woah come on lets go “ she said.

arriving at the party , you went straight to find hyuck. you had asked a couple of people where he could have been yet you hot no replies. you decided to wait it out and hopefully he would show up later. you went to grab a drink for yourself when all of a sudden you ran into someone “ oh- oh wait im so sorry “ you said , “ oh no its fine “ the male said and i soon as you looked at him you noticed it was jaemin , “ oh hi jaemin “ “ hi “ he said while chuckling , “ have you seen donghyuck “ “ have you seen somin “ you both said in unison. laughing you both shook your heads no. he looked so beautiful , you thought. you looked so pretty , jaemin thought.

“ well im going to go look for donghyuck “ you waves bye and headed towards the upstairs. you thought maybe he went to use the bathroom. again , wrong. as you walked farther up the stairs , you noticed heavy breathing. at first you were concerned so you made your way to the room you heard it from. as soon as you cracked the door open , you were met with a sight you didnt think you would ever have to see. somin and hyuck in a heavy make out session. “ what the literal fuck “ you steadily said loudly as you opened the door. “ yn i swear its not what you - “ hyuck tried to say but someone cut you off. “ what’s happening here ? “ a male said. as you turned around jaemin was right behind you. “ jaemin - are you sure “ he softly pushed you aside and witnessed the sight for himself. “ what the hell somin ?! i did nothing to you and you pull this shit. “ he said angrily , “ its not my fault you are inlove with the fucking bitch behind you. i needed someone who could love me not you “ she spat out. “ w-what “ you said. “ jaemin you l-love me ? “ you eyes widened. you heart swelled. you didnt know what to feel so you just run outside with him running after you. “ yn wait please ! “ he scream , “ you waited so long ? jaemin why didnt you tell me earlier ? “ you said out of breathe , “ because we never talked , okay i didnt think you liked me back and i still dont think you do “ he said , “ jaemin ive been inlove with you for as long as i can remember. “ you said tearing up and walking towards him , “ r-really ? “ , you nodded hugging him “ yes jaemin , i love you “ he smiled back at you and kissed your forehead , “ i love you too , now come on let me take you home before you get so cold “ he said “ your too perfect na jaemin , too perfect “ you both smiled. “ oh and jaemin , lily calla’s were always my favorite “ you said softly smiling , “ yea ive always known “ . many things were wrong in this world. you and jaemins mere love for each other was not one of them.

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[f33itan]

oop

Ok, hey demons, it's me, ya boy girl. Back at it with another dream rant. now this one is kinda uh, interesting. I would call it a hybrid nightmare dream shat thing, but I HAD FEITAN IN IT FOR EVERY BIT FISMDISJSISK (well mostly every bit) Anyways this is a train wreck but here we go..

First part of dream I remember...

So me and my cousins lily and dominick were in this dude's car on an adventure or something, like you know in games that one person who's your guardian or someth8ng like that? wWe were in the car with that dude. Anyways, then we dropped off lily and domo so i went to the front and me and the dude were chatting while he was on the freeway, then he started swearing a lot, to what i assumed time be the stupid drivers on the rest of the freeway, but then a light teal smoke bomb went off and we had to drive through it. Whilst we were doing this we ran over a pretty lady, and the car broke and I fell right on top of her. I could see her brain goop shit com8ng out of her head, all of the blood splattered on her and the street, and I started hyperventilating in weird patterns. The paramedics came and I got to drink a baby bottle of water. Once I calmed down, i was talking a bit to this lady taking photos of the crime scene, and this other dude who idk what the fuck he was doing. Then some people dressed in bee colors started dancing and the world turned orange, which was kinda weird but i joined in their dancing and it was fun. oh and did I forget to mention while the whole car thing was going on the road and everything was foggy already?

Second part of dream I remember...

Ok so we're back at it again with domo, and this time is a bit hard to explain. So yk when 80s themed movies start and they're in a teen's room? that's where we were. we were playing some video games and there was another older teenager in the other room, and there were these weird colored tape lock things on domo's door. the more you could break and get past the cooler you were or something like that. So somehow i pissed the teen off and he wanted to throw me out the window but in order to do that he needed to break the locks. he broke about 7 or 8 of them and he was pissed and breathing heavily while me and domonick were so excited that somebody got that far on the locks. He was weirded out and left. then this part of my dream shifted to my school and we were doing some sports and stuff.

Now here's where it gets interesting...

So me and Feitan were at this super mario type setting world, and i've been in this setting before in another dream, just not with fei. so we were playing whatever games princess peach had for us but THEN it was a punishment round bc we messed up on something. So the dream shifted to this dark room and I had a black katana in my hand. Sillouettes of the troupe members were coming at me and I had to cut off their heads, but for some it was really hard. Fei was standing behind me while I cut them all, but I missed some. Then the dream shifted again to a dark woodsie area, and me and fei were crouched down on the ground. He had an arm around my back holding me really close to him.

F- "We should get out of here --starts turning in the opposite direction holding me to his side- "

N- "No, I see a door over there."

While we were shimmy shamming to the door we passed this momo lookin ass thing but kept crawling. eventually we ended up on this medium sized ramp and started to shift down it but then there were these weird baby things. I'll draw what they look like at the bottom of this post but then feitan accidentally hit some big metal things and they fell, then the babies started screaming. We ran to the door as they were chasing us then got into the door but i was going to be sent somewhere else. He couldn't come with me soo-

F- "Please be safe and be careful"

N- "I'll try"

F- "IM SERIOUS BE CAREFUL *hug*"

N- "Okay, Ill see you in a bit, love you"

F- "Love you too"

THE DREAM SHIFTED AGGGAAAIIN and now I was in this carnival kind of setting. If you know the VR game rush of blood then yeah this will make more sense, but if not go look it up ODNHEOFMEJ but anyways.. so yk the second level after the pig one where you're in the red and yellow run down carnival tent? that's where i was but it was rectangle shaped and it was kind of an obstacle course. the carnival runner from rush of blood was the controller person thing for it and me and another dude had to run the obstacle course. THE BABIES WERE IN THE OBSTACLE COURSE >:( there was a lot of hurdles which we had to put one hand on and use that to jump us over as if you were jumping a gate from the cops. after the 3rd round i couldnt do it anymore bc i was getting tired and so once the 3rd run was done i think I took a wrong turn into this maze that had orange and blue uv lights with glowing sticky stars and LED lights. I would pass a baby or a blue glowing light from time to time which was scary, but then i got taken back to the super mario world. I ran to Feitan and hugged him and then the dream got foggy.

And their skin was a discolored grayish yellow with dried blood and when they walked they stomped. that's what the babies looked like.

[voidselfshipp]

La Mala Vida

Summary: medic finds out that living forever might be less of a hussle,and that maybe this century is worth saving.

Pt 2 here bcs Tumblr wont let me

♡~♡~♡~♡~♡~♡

Life.

What do we do with it?people say it is what we want it to be, that the time we have to choose is limited because we dont live forever.

Josef would not agree with that statement.

Hes been living since the 18th Century, and after all these years everything seemed the same.

Its a rainy Day on teufort, why was someone like him still in there? After all the memories he had there.

He didnt quite now, maybe because its residents were quite literally Led poisoned idiots and nobody would suspect a thing from him.

--that would be five dollars Sir-- the Cashier said giving him the newspaper.

The german Man scowled and handed him the money taking it.

'Back in my zime zhe newspaper vas vay cheaper...' he thought.

He then goes to the nearby café, catching his reflection on the windowpane of said café.

He still looked quite handsome for a Man that is centuries old,he lived through Many things and yet there he was, alive and well.

He then sits against the Window minding his own bussines waiting to be attended.

He was so concentrated in the news that he didnt noticed the people that came in and out.

Nor the music playing.

But then, he looks up at the entrance, his face cant help but to contorn in a smile.

The newest generation has been quite of his interest as of lately.

The was something about zentenialls he couldnt quite put his finger on that caused him interest.

A generation that coped with problems with self depreciating humor, yet being able to form a revolution in the span of months in one single app,but also having the biggest of hearts for those in need.

'Siamo condannati alla brutta vida

Quería decirle, bambino

Que usted está trayéndose un flow bandido

Su secreto está guardao aquí conmigo

Sabe, yo respeto pero nunca olvido

Tarde, siempre tarde yo lo siento (wuh)

Les molesta todo lo que rondo

Devoluciones, no caigo en eso

Estoy buscándome yo los pesos, uh

Yo no quería que caiga preso (wow)

Regalito a la mamá, par de billes (par de billes)

Pa que se lo goce y de mí no se olvide (no se olvide)

Y la herida llevo aquí (llevo)

Dime tú si me vas a amar'

The lively music seemed to contrast with the calm ambience of the place.

Jerico pulls down the hood of her hoodie, she looks around for a place to sit, and goes to a far quiet corner of the place.

She sits down putting her bag close to her.

Her ears catch the melody playing and a homesick smile appears on her face tapping her feet to the rythm .

'La mala vida que me persigue

Los tiempos están cambiando y nosotros también

La calle está ardiendo, guiándome

Ni olvido ni perdón a lo que fuiste ayer

Mala vida que me persigue

Mala vida que no puedo salir

Mala vida que me persigue

Mala, mala

Fuck mala vida, mala, mala

Quería más de mí, pero no le di nada

Estamos nasty, curtiendo strada (strada)

Rompiendo tarima como si nada'

She was mouthing the lyrics of the song while softly rocking her body to it.

Medic catched a glimpse of this and smiled.

Finally they go and take his order, then the girls and the waiter dissapears behind the bar.

Jeris glance meets Josefs, she smiles and then goes down to her phone, a hand that was used as a rest for her cheek.

'Lo hacemos igual gore

Tenemos el peso en el pecho

Y aunque duela adentro, lo hacemos igual por los tiempos

Tiempos buenos, tiempo al fin

Tiempos malos que perdí (wuh)

Fuckin' mala vida, te escupo la face

Acuérdate de mí cuando me veas, no compro fake

Los fuckin' vis a vis me tienen maldecí

Estoy maldecía, no puedo salir

Regalito a la mamá, par de billes (par de billes)

Pa que se lo goce y de mí no se olvide (no se olvide)

Y la herida llevo aquí (llevo)'

He then looked back at his own stuff, the music, altough not his favourite was starting to get to him, and so his foot unintentionally started to tap following the beat of the song.

Now he wasnt the type of guy to dwell on his past, he only cared about defying modern science, well he did bring back a Man to life.

Good times.

He sighs, that smile that some found unnerving seemed to have warmed a little bit, the years were softening Him up.

Tough he feels someone watching him, his head turns to find the girl drawing on a piece of paper, what exactly? He couldnt tell.

Until her emerald green eyes met his, her cheeks flushed and looked away with a expression that screamed 'I hope the floor swallows me and never spits me again'.

He chuckled, and a side of him felt quite honored.

Maybe hed ask her for the drawing.

he drank his coffee and read the newspaper,the bitter taste of it wasnt as much of a kick in the mouth, they used to make them stronger too.

Meanwhile jerico couldnt help but dwell on her own problems while she waited.

The cold weather was rather relaxing to her, the cold and rain were always a comfort.

Though there wasnt much to do than wait right now, but shed find a way to entretain herself.

The café was too calm for her,way too calm.

But that is what happends when you used to live in a constant chaos, calm things seemed dangerous, a part of her really enjoyed this.

She sighs being absolutely bored out of her mind.

Her eyes look at the drawing that was just besides her.

Drawing that guy was fun, and the hairstyle did suit him well.

Her leg starts to bounce as she feels a familiar feel on her chest.

Maybe she should give it to him.

Or was it creepy? Did he even wanted it?

--miss heres your tea, and your pastries--the waiter said putting things down from the trail on the table--Anything else?

She shakes her head,the waiter asks her if she would want anything else, she says no.

She ends up paying her things and then enjoying them.

At least like that she doesnt have to go through the process of talking to anyone else than that waiter.

As she drinks though,Someone sits infront of her.

'Cant drink my tea in peace....' when she looks up however she jumps a bit on her Seat.

--Hallo-- the same Man she drew said-- I couldnt help but notice zhat jou vere drawing me,can I see?

The Man had his newspaper rolled under his arm, a huge smile and a coffee on his hand.

His accent, was rather cute, she thought.

--su sure!--Jerico smiles handing him the paper.

The Man looks at the drawing, and then smiles.

--Vould jou look at zhat! joure an true artist! Great job

Her chest warms and a huge grin appears on her face, her hands grip the tea cardboard Cup--thank you very much!

--Mind if I keep it?

--not at all!, I was hoping to give it to you actually,just didnt know if youd like it

--Are jou kidding? Of course id love zo! Oh wait im so stupid, I should pay jou for it ! Jour skills shouldnt be wasted.

As soon as he extends his hand with the Money jerico softly pushes it back.

Her hand had paint stains, yet the skin was soft and they were warm.

--No no please

--i insist!

--Take it as a gift Will you?

He then puts the money away, and nodds-- ah yes,jour generation is good at convincing people, plus good at arguing okay, I Vill keep my money,oh im josef by zhe vay...and zhanks

He extends his hand and she shakes it.

--Jerico

-- vhat a lovely name,vell I should get going , rain is going to get vorse and its a long valk home...lovely zalking vith jou jerico!

Jer smiles -- it was nice to talk to you too

Josef takes the drawing a leaves.

She just sits there, what just happened???

Thats enough interaction for today.

When she finished she grabbed her things and Walked home, the rain poured without mercy, she should have brought an umbrella.

She puts on her headphones and walks faster to the bus stop.

That of course had no FUCKING roof.

luckily the music drowned out the pesky conversation that a guy who obviously didnt know how to take a hint tried to start.

'Fuckin' mala vida, te escupo la face

Acuérdate de mí cuando me veas, no compro fake

Los fuckin' vis a vis me tienen maldecí

Estoy maldecía, no puedo salir

Regalito a la mamá, par de billes (par de billes)

Pa que se lo goce y de mí no se olvide (no se olvide)

Y la herida llevo aquí (llevo)

La mala vida que me persigue (yeah yeah yeah)

Los tiempos están cambiando y nosotros también

La calle está ardiendo, guiándome

Ni olvido ni perdón a lo que fuiste ayer

Mala vida que me persigue

Mala vida que no puedo salir

Mala vida que me persigue

Mala, mala

Está cayéndome lo que nunca te dije yo

Estoy creyendo que los buenos son los malos'

As soon as the music ended she no longer felt the water falling on her , she looks up.

Josef.

He held the umbrella close to her.

--Hi-- she sheepishly said taking off her headphones.

--Hallo frau,vaiting fot zhe bus I see?

--Yeah, thanks for the umbrella though...should have brought one with me...but didnt...

Both share a giggle.

[angstymdzsthoughts]

1/ >mpreg< wrh won the sunshot campaign, but both his sons still die, so he wants to be repaid. he demands a chosen bride from each sect for his harem and so nhs, jgy, lxc, and even jyl (who is married and left jl as an orphan bc jzx died during the war) and wwx.. he especially wants wwx and so he keeps him separate from the rest, seals his power and brainwashed him, turning him into a pliant bedwarmer whose only job is to provide wrh with more children.

2/ >mpreg< wrh made sure to control his new harem with a tight leash, going so far as to damage their golden cores to weaken them. lwj is going mad bc not only his brother but also his beloved wei ying were taken away to serve wrh. he tried to reach out to other sects, asking them to cooperate to take their hostages back but none of the sects were brave or strong enough to go against wrh, especially after the devastating war.

3/ >mpreg< after thirteen years of gathering intel and strength as well as countless failed infiltration missions, lwj has had enough of it and decided to sneak into nightless city himself. he managed to find his brother and nhs but there were no signs of the others. it broke his heart to see the swollen stomach of his brother as he told him that none of them had seen wwx since he was first taken in. wwx is wrh's favorite, birthing the most children for him out of all of them.

4/ >mpreg< nightless city was crawling with children who look like wrh. lwj told lxc that he's making a plan to help all of them escape. lxc was scared for his children, but didn't object. wrh found out abt lwj sneaking into his castle, but kept hush abt it bc he wants lwj to suffer more. he threatened lxc to act like he was going along with the plan and telling wrh everything or he's going to kill their youngest toddler. he could just put a new one in him, anyway.

5/ >mpreg< lxc just prayed lwj would have enough time to escape when their escape plan fail later. after about a week of hiding in nightless city, lwj stumbled upon a restricted area. he managed to sneak in and he was horrified to find wwx inside, heavily pregnant, but without an ounce of discontent on his face, in fact he looked overjoyed. the man was calmly combing his hair while humming to himself. lwj was so shocked he accidentally made a noise that alerted wei ying of his presence.

6/ >mpreg< "who's there?" wwx immediately grabbed a hairpin for self defense but relaxed when his eyes found it was just lwj. "oh hi lan zhan" he was smiling but it was so unsettling. "why do you hv to sneak in like a mouse? my a-yuan can do better than that when he was five" lwj couldnt move, couldnt say anything. "lan zhan? what's wrong? we haven't met for many years and the first thing you do is sneak into my room and frown at me?"

7/ >mpreg< "wei ying. have to get you out of here" lwj finally uttered. "what? why?" lwj couldnt believe his ears. "why would i want to leave master ruohan and our children?" lwj wished he could just die on the spot. "but- he forced you and the others-" "forced? what are you talking about?" lwj saw wwx was getting agitated and it unnerved him to no end. "if youre coming here just to disturb me then just go!" wwx's voice was getting louder and lwj has no choice but to leave before he was found

8/ >mpreg< a couple weeks later, lwj finally managed to get the last of his plans taken care of. he made a huge distraction that allowed wrh's harem to flee to their designated meeting spot (they came right back in after but lwj never knew that). they could bring the smaller children with their mothers but they would have to leave the older children behind since wrh had had his influence on them already. the only one left was wei ying. he had to get wei ying back no matter what.

9/ >mpreg< lwj didnt care if he would only be able to take wei ying or if wei ying was going to hate him. he couldnt let wei ying go again. he inched closer to wwx's living quarters and he barely got a greeting in before the maidservants announced wrh's arrival. wwx immediately told lwj to hide in his room. wrh came in and wwx all but jumped into his arms. lwj could see everything. he could see wrh kissing he face he dreamt of kissing for so many years, touching the body he dreamt of touching for so many years.

10/ >mpreg< lwj ended up hiding for a good portion of the whole day, trying to close his ears as he heard sounds he once dreamt wei ying would let out only for him. swallowing his own tears as wwx begs wrh to ravish him. wrh didnt leave until wwx woke up from his nap. when he deemed it safe enough, lwj sneaks back out, still wrecking his brain trying to think of ways to convince wwx to leave with him. "wei ying, come back to gusu with me, please" wwx pouts, shaking his head. "im not going anywhere, get lost!" "wei ying please" lwj tried approaching wwx, but he just kept backing away. "get lost!"

11/ >mpreg< lwj kept pushing, maybe if he could just <i>touch</i> wei ying, he could identify and undo whatever spell wrh did on wei ying. wwx kept backing away, replying to all of lwj's pleas with 'get lost'. he wasnt going to let this man who he hadnt seen for so long take everything away from him. soon, there was no more space for wwx to retreat to, trapped between lwj's approaching form and his vanity table. he grabbed a hairpin and swung, slashing lwj's perfect face. blood dripped on the floor, but lwj couldnt care less, not when wei ying is inches away from him. he <i>had</i> to have wei ying back.

12/ >mpreg< lwj was prepared to just hit wwx's pressure points to render him unconscious and carry him outside, his pregnancy be damned, but before he could, wei ying was already screaming. "a-yuan!" it took mere seconds before the door slammed open, revealing a teenager with a sword in his hand. he had wei ying's eyes. he could recognize that shade of silver anywhere, but the glint of malice there was unmistakably wen ruohan's. the teenager charged at lwj, who was caught off guard and it took no time before lwj was subdued and bleeding, kneeling by wwx's bed with the teenager's foot keeping him still. "scum! you dare try to harm my mother?!"

13/ >mpreg< "would never try to harm wei ying.. only want wei ying back" lwj croaks. "preposterous!" wei ying's son (a-yuan, lwj's mind provided) barked. "who do you think you are, to boldly lay claim on my mother? you deserve death for this!" lwj didnt respond. he was focused on wwx sitting in front of him, caressing his baby bump lovingly, creating an image of heavenly bliss, but everything in lwj screamed that it was <i>wrong- wrong, wrong, wei ying is</i> "lan zhan" lwj's world stopped.

14/ >mpreg< wwx looked at lwj in the eyes. his eyes look sad. disappointed. <i>at wangji</i> "why do you keep antagonizing me? back then you kept telling me that i was wrong, kept telling me how i was supposed to be. i know you didnt like me before and i left you alone. now youre here pestering me, as if i have no mind of my own to think and feel. and you ask me to leave with you?never," wwx's eyes hardened with grievance. "i suggest you leave immediately and maybe you'll get to keep your life" lwj's eyes widen. <i>wei ying misunderstood, must tell him- </i> "no, wei ying, youre under a spell. wei ying would never-" lwj wheezed as a sharp kick hit his back. "shut up!" wen yuan growled, "if i hear you speak rubbish one more time i would-" "a-yuan" wwx interrupted. "wen yuan, my beloved firstborn, it's okay. mother's got this," he gave his son an assuring look. then he shifted his gaze back to lwj. "lan zhan, im not under any spell. i really do belong here. you can check" wwx held out one hand for lwj to touch. lwj desperately took the hand. he wanted to relish in the softness of skin at first, the warmth he longed for, but quickly decided something was more important. he checked wwx's meridians, his qi pathways. lwj paled. he could feel nothing.

15/ >mpreg< "why" all the breath left lwj. "wei ying, he- he made you birth so many children, kept you locked here-" wwx's brows arched. "i love my children. i have always wanted a house full of children. master ruohan gave me what i wanted. i bear children for him because i love him" if this was heaven then lwj would rather go to hell.angstymdzsthoughtsOofWas that the last part?reblog-monsterno hold oni have like 1 or 2 moreangstymdzsthoughtsOk

16/ >mpreg< <i>wei ying, his wei ying, his heart, his soulmate, loves-?</i> "i love master ruohan, the father of my children. if he wants me to stay, i will stay. if he wants me to go, i will go. but you, you dont get a say" lwj heaved as wwx pulled his hand back, his heart too heavy and his head too painful. "ah, my bad" wwx gave lwj a side eye. "you know to much now" lwj swore he could saw wwx smirk at wen yuan but nothing mattered anymore. lwj gasped when a sword pierced his chest but it was a welcome pain to numb his aching soul. "just so you know," wwx's eyes glinted with glee as he bends down in a mock attempt to whisper into lwj's ear. "i love being pregnant. i beg master ruohan to breed me again even a few weeks after giving birth. im never going to stop, i cant stop," he giggled and lwj was somehow relieved that wwx's laughter was the last thing he heard before everything dissolved into nothing.

[ending notes] back in gusu, just as everyone was busy with the absence of their sect leader, only a letter came a few days later with a familiar red seal and a bloody headband. someone tried to violate a member of wen ruohan's harem and the perpetrator has been dealt with accordingly. their sect leader never returned.

[pretendcnco]

story time 😗

OKAY WHAT U HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

or maybe not lmao, this is gonna be long bc im dramatic SOO be aware

SO first I get there HELLA early in the morning, it was freezing cold outside so we waited in the car BUT THEN WE SAW PEOPLE GO IN, so we were like yeah we gotta go

so we waited in line FOR ALMOST TWO HOURS GOODBYE

so finally they let us in, and they have us in two groups on either side of this like red carpet thing but they kept moving us back and forth it was annoying

so I had my sketchbook with me with drawings of Chris and erick so I was holding it and showing people and people were so sweet about them 🥺🥺🥺 I felt kinda dumb holding it but my friend, my dad and a lot of people there were hyping me up 

okay then finallyyyy they let us on set, and I honestly thought it would be like Ellen where we would sit in the audience but no they walk us behind the couch where the hosts sit at, I was there like 🤡🤡

so I’m standing literally right behind the couch and I was FREAKING OUT BC THEY WERE GONNA SIT RIGHT THERE

after a couple min, the boys come out, everyone screams and ugh they’re so pretty in person I COULDNT

I touched richard and Ericks hands 🥺🥺🥺 Zabdi and Chris were too far :(((

but then they’re sitting down and talking with the female host when the male host turns around towards me and takes my sketchbook, I’m there like wtf is going on, then he shows it to the boys and they like acknowledge it but they were talking to the other lady so they didn’t say anything

then the male host is like “boys this takes time and effort” (talking about my drawings) and they’re all like yeah and Chris says “yes that’s so cool” and I’m there SCREAMING

so the guy is like “this is what ur fans do for you” and then he comes up to me and is like “how long does this take you” and I’m there nervous ASF and I’m like “like 3 continuous hours” and he’s like “why did u just do these two?” (Bc I only had erick and Chris) and I’m like “uhhh I want to do all 5 but for right now I just have the 2” and they’re all looking at it and nodding and smiling while I’m screaming on the inside

the host starts to give me my skeychbook back when my best friend shouts “y’all got a pen so they can sign it” (this is why I love that bitch😔)

Richard and Erick laugh and the host hands the drawing back to erick for him to sign, Erick gets a pen and he started signing it and I’m actually crying

Then the host turns around again and he stands suddenly and grabs me by my arm and pulls me onto the couch, so he like pulls me over so I can take his seat and now I’m SAT NEXT TO JOEL

so I legit can’t stop smiling and I’m red asf and super nervous and I sit next to Joel and I give him a hug and he smiles that pretty smile and he’s like “hi” and says something about my drawing but I honestly can’t remember

Erick gives the sketchbook to Chris so he can sign his and then Erick looks at me, and I’m legit STARING INTO HIS BEAUTIFUL GREEN EYES and I’m smiling so big, and in the sweetest softest voice he’s like “thank you so much” (in regards to the drawing) and I’m like THANK U and I lean in to kiss him on the cheek and I’m legit SOBBING AT THIS POINT

then i look over to Chris and I’m a lil confused bc he’s writing a lot, but richard was looking at me so I wave and say hi to him and he smiles that beAUTIFUL SMILE and is like “hey” BRO

okay so then Chris finishes and he looks up ig looking for me and he meets my eyes and ig he was like “this is yours?” And I just nod and he smiles and it’s so cute and I’m like smiling too and I’m like “yes thank you”

and then they give me my thing back and that’s about it, so I was on national television and had my drawings signed by Chris and Erick 🥺🥺🥺

Today was legit a dream

[cherrytsukkis]

cousin!yoongi

THIS IS NOT INCEST I SWEAR LMAO

genre: fluff :D

love: me

sorry this is sort of bad, idk what happened especially at the end djshfkjd

word count: 1071

probably your favorite cousin

he was years older than you

(sorry to 99 and down liners, im basing this more around my age, 2001)

you would always get excited to see him on holidays

ever since you were a smol baby he carried you around and you clung to him

when he started training you saw less and less of him

until you decided you wanted to become an idol too

and what better company than the one he was at?

you were pretty sure he was the one who got you in

but he always denied it and said it was because of how talented you were

you were a dancer

and only started a year or two before you began training

so you didn’t believe him

as you trained and he had his debut

he taught you how to produce and write stuff

after bts started to get more attention you saw less of him again

it didn’t bother you tho because you began preparing to debut and a sis was tired

when your group’s debut music video was released

he called you right away even tho he was abroad at the time

“i feel like a proud father. you even got a little dance solo and everything.”

he praised you and your group for a while until you forced him to go to sleep as it was late where bts was

about a year later your group was pretty much recognized for your talents

even though most people just knew you as “the other group under big hit”

you had only one comeback so far and were preparing for your next when suddenly there was a knock on the practice room door

yoongi and namjoon opened the door and greeted you with smiles and food

after you and you members greeted them properly y'all started to vacuum that stuff down

at one point one of your members was on lookout for you

because the staff had told you to watch your weight

but the chicken looked hella good so what were you gonna do? say no?

yoongi made sure you got to stuff your face and even secretly handed you your favorite candy for later

with their almighty power

joon and yoongi got the choreographer to cut practice short and your members got to go home and rest

meanwhile yoongi dragged you to go watch movie with him

even tho yoongi had the $$$

you still stopped by the convenience store and bought a bunch of snacks

and you had to store a lot under your hoodies and it was hella obvious what you were doing

but somehow y'all made it in without people noticing

in the mist of the movie you suddenly heard quiet snoring from yoongi

you laughed and let him be and snapped a few photos before you got caught lmao

yoongi was still sleeping when the movie ended but you let him sleep a bit more since he must’ve been really tired

once you guys left the theater, you headed to the nearby mall for fun

and you somehow managed to convince him to buy you a quesadilla maker/cooker thingy

you both even took photos in a photobooth as you cringed

yoongi liked them so much he spilt his strip in half and put his favorite half in his phone case

so you felt obligated to remove your t.o.p photocard and do the same

when he dropped you off home

the members screamed because you got a quesadilla maker

you later saw yoongi post photos from your family bonding time

and saw a lot of people get mad bc they didn’t see y'all in public bc y'all were just that smart

not really

but anyways after that you didn’t really see him for a long time (and I mean a looooooong time) again but your group soon became busy again

one of your members landed a role in a drama as others got some CFs

you were in charge of being in variety shows for a while

and you weren’t gonna lie, it was starting to get tiring and you didn’t understand how bts did so much schedules so often

one night you were home alone watched shows on your couch

and you got a call

from whomst?

our yoongi oppar of course 🤩

“I come bearing gifts”

“what gifts?”

“my presence and choco pies”

he instantly let himself at home and took out the stack of uno cards you had behind the tv

“y/n, if I win, you buy ramen”

“what if I win?”

“that won’t happen”

your game ended up being over an hour long because you were both cheating

you were both on your living room floor with soda

and were yelling at each other for every single thing

“STOP CHANGING THE COLOR”

“TAKE BACK THE CARDS YOU HAD, YOU CHEATER”

“STOP USING THE PLUS TWO CARDS”

after yelling for a long time you both gave up bc yall was hungry and yoongi was going to end up paying anyways so-

after bringing the ramen back home, bc yall couldnt eat outside for obvious reasons 

you started to cook them and took out some more food to feed his ass

and he suddenly got a phone call

and you could tell he was gonna have to leave again when he made a sour face as he hung up

“where are you going this time?”

“we have an ad we have to film in thailand, it was supposed to be next week but apparently it was moved closer so i have to go home and pack quickly”

“bring me souvenirs”

“i wont see you again for a while, okay?”

“bring me souvenirs”

“also call your mom, she called me earlier and asked if you were okay bc you never call her”

“souvenirs...”

“yOU ALREADY HAVE SOUVENIRS FROM THAILAND”

“no most of them were food that i already ate”

after almost throwing hands at you

yoongi left you alone with all the cooked food

as you were putting some of the food in the fridge you felt your phone vibrate

yoongz!!!: don’t go to sleep too late! also we have a family thing next saturday dont forget!!

you smiled as you replied and sat down at the kitchen counter

as you ate the ramen you took a selfie and posted it on twitter

“theres nothing better than ramen after uno”

[lovexdejun]

🖤NCT Boyfriend Series🖤 - [🌻] Lucas >>a little nsfw •a deadass meme
•met him through a friend when you all went out bowling or something
•he came off as a bit of a heartbreaker but you couldn’t help being drawn to him
•because despite his flirtatious attitude, he’s super funny and easy to talk to 
•yukhei isn’t as much of a player as you expected
•he’s really sweet and easily flustered, and he isn’t afraid of embarrassing himself 
•like he’ll so something that would have you mortified, but he’d just laugh it off
•oh and speaking of, the first time you hear his laugh
•you’re pretty sure your eardrums bursted 
•after you recover though, you’re folded in half from laughing so hard 
•i can picture him just staring at you with the biggest smile plastered across his face because hE DID THAT
•you’re not the best bowler, so when you’re trying to refrain from throwing the ball into the gutter, lucas shoots his shot w you
•he’ll sneak up behind you and press himself as close as he can without looking like too big of a pervert
•his voice is so deep and soft when he speaks sooooo close to your ear 
•instead of recoiling from him, you find yourself relaxing into his body as he runs his hand down your arm to fix your form 
•when you end up making a strike, you’ll run to him, throw your arms around him
•he’ll end up giving you a ride home that night bc you didn’t want to stop hanging out when the bowling alley closed
•somehow, you guys end up at a diner until 3am, just talking about nothing and everything alike 
•you find out you enjoy the way he chews his lips when he’s thinking 
•he’s weak for the way you throw your whole body back against the booth when you laugh super hard 
•you guys will end up hanging our more often outside of the group and eventually people will regret introducing you two lol
•bc you’re always too busy making plans with each other than them 
•your relationship is mostly platonic until he inevitably confesses 
•you’ll be playing video games at his house, sitting on his bed with his legs wrapped around your waist from behind
•and he’ll just stroke your hair and run his fingers down your back 
•”i like you… like really like you”
•when you turn around to look at him, he’ll just kiss you 
•it’ll be so soft and hesitant but once he feels you kissing him back, it’ll become desperate almost
•tbh the both of you have been holding back for sooooo looooong
•lucas is one of those boys who looks like they’d be a dom but he’s actually a softy who’ll melt at your touch 
•i can see it being a pretty switch relationship when it comes to the bedroom, but he would rather you take charge
•LOVES getting his hair pulled 
•there’d be a lot of hot, opened mouth kisses
•a lot of moaning and heavy breathing 
•his hand would slowly find its way to your throat every time you had sex/made out
•the most common position would be you riding him while he’s sitting up 
•bc he likes your bare chests touching
•also makes it easy to kiss you
•he reeeeeeally likes kissing you 
•since he’s 6001ft tall, he enjoys draping his arms over your shoulders and leaning down to kiss you 
•cuddles would consist of his head in your lap while you play with his hair
•or you laying on top of him, head on his chest, while he runs his fingers up and down your spine 
•dirty jokes
•always flirting with you 
•flirts with elderly ladies and they just adore him 
•your grandma is probably more in love with him than you are
•he’s actually very humble 
•surprises you with gifts a lot
•even if they’re small or handmade 
•he pays attention to the little things, so he knows things about you that you didn’t even know
•you’re definitely the adult in the relationship 
•he can be mature when he has to be, but on a normal day he’s just an extremely large child
•like, he’s the best with kids because he is one 
•sometimes this would cause fights tho, because sometimes you just need for him to act like an adult for once 
•will speak in different languages out of the blue
•lol but no seriously, can we talk about how some of the members will tease lucas for not being that great at korean or even chinese, but this boy is actually so smart… like he RAPS in full, near perfect english, randomly throws english words out there which means he probably doesn’t just practice those lines to get them right for recording, he actually LEARNS these words and knows what they mean. tbh he may speak in broken sentences, but it shows that he’s learning for us. as far as i know, this boy speaks fluent chinese, a little bit of thai, and is trying his fuckin hardest to learn korean and english as fluently as he can. plus he’s one of the most powerful dancers i’ve ever seen, so if that doesn’t scream dedication idk what does
•okay srry abt that lolll
•anyways, yukhei would be 100% loyal as fuck
•he may radiate casanova, but he would never even look at another girl/boy that wasn’t you
•a very open minded and accepting individual 
•dead set on making everyone around him laugh
•will brag about you to everyone who will listen because he’s so head-over-heels for you
•usually the last one to wake up, and usually you have to rip the covers off him/shake him/jump on him
•notorious for just pulling you into the bed with him and wrapping himself around you so you can’t get up and bother him again
•not that you mind
•he’s big and warm and you like the rise and fall of his chest against your back
•he has the BEST morning voice
•like it’s so deep and raspy and ugh
•waking up to him every morning would be the highlight of your day 
•bitch it would be the highlight of yukhei’s life 
•he believes with every ounce of his being that you’re his soulmate 
•would literally be the poster child for ‘get you someone who looks at you the way he looks at her/him”
•a relationship with lucas would be spontaneous and happy. he’d always keep you laughing and interested so you’d never get tired of him
•i’d classify him with opposites attract, soft, lazy, and power couple >>yukhei is a whole boyfriend and if you couldnt tell he’s one of my ultimate biases in nct like protect this boy at all cost bc he’s precious A/N: this was requested and i thought it was funny because i was actually doing yukhei next anyway lol i hope you guys enjoy this and i’m sorry that it’s a little all over the place:)) nct | requests are always open!!

[movedtoprsmise]

180906 LY Tour: D-4

this is gonna be really long, feel free to ignore! it’s mainly for myself!

my friend and i got to la on wednesday (9/5) the day before our concert and lined up at about 7:30 pm to set up camp. we had small folding chairs and 2 blankets, a cooler, our bags of clothes, and a bag of extra snacks. not too long after arriving, 2 girls came down the line to give us our numbers (which they wrote on our hands) and to write our names and numbers in their notebook. i was number 382. the girl behind us in line arrived at the same time and was really cool and experienced with kpop concerts and told us what kind of things to expect and stuff. we were really thankful for her lmao. i still had a cold and i called my parents to bring me some cold medicine as well as some sweaters for me and my friend because it got cold pretty fast and we were not dressed for that weather at all. for a few hours we just sat and talked with the girl and she told us about how she saw SHINee and all these other groups. at 12 am we tried for an hour to sleep but to no avail.

some more time passed and it continued to get colder and girls continued to pull up in cars to go and line up at the back. our spot in line was a cockroach attraction and idk how many times my friend and i threw our blankets off to stand up because of roaches. the korean lady next to us in line took bug spray out and tried to help us a bunch. she was rly sweet and cute. at 2 am i had to pee so we walked to the bathroom everyone was using which was decently far away and on the way back we saw girls doing choreo out in the blocked off street to pass time. it was really cute and i wanted to join but i was too shy ndkfndnd. it was rly crackhead hours tho. anyone who wasnt asleep was losing their minds bc we hadnt slept and we knew we were gonna be awake for a long long time. couple more hours passed and my friend and i managed to sleep for 10-45 minutes sometime between 4 and 5 am. we forced ourselves to drink some small protein drinks and then when the sun came up at 6 am, some workers showed up in trucks and began building a fence around us campers. we guessed it was to block us off from the streets

a few more hours passed of trying to squeeze some more sleep in and failing to do so. at 9 am we walked to the bathroom to get dressed because it was getting really close to wristband time and i forgot to take my toothbrush, makeup and deodorant to the bathroom with me and ended up having to do it all in line which was a tad embarrassing but it was fine. then near 10 am the line suddenly began to pack up and move forward and we panicked bc we had too much stuff and the mini-cooler was rather heavy. we made it really far up in line before my parents showed up to pick the stuff up. but it was reallyreally hard to get the stuff to a place where they would be able to pick it up. we had to ask the girl behind us to hold our spot while we carried everything down the line and across the street to where my parents could easily pull over and grab it up. that was extremely hard. then complications happened with the line where people had crowded to the front of the line, making a mess to where the staff couldnt bring us in.

so, a girl came down the line to tell us all to move back in order to make room at the front of the line, all the while groups of girls were being sent to the back of the line for crowding and the rest of us were able to move into a more orderly line.

at 10:30 they began pulling us in 10 people at a time to line up for our wristbands! once we got in we were put into this metal fencing where we waited as they handed out our ga wristbands that had our numbers on them.

because of the crowding that had happened, my number was now 410. after getting our wristbands it was about and we were allowed to leave and told to come back at 4:30 pm to form the official line. so we went to get our merch which had a line that wrapped around the block and we waited in that line for about 3 hours, which sucked. it was hot and the line was ridiculously long and i kept squatting in line to stretch my back out and to give my feet a break. my friend looked like she wanted to die in that line ndjdndn. once we finally got our merch, i gave up on going to the bts studio bc i didnt wanna wait in another line.

(i bought the jimin premium photo, the jimin picket, and the tour jacket 😣💓)

i called my parents and had them pick us up and take us to our hotel so we could get some sleep in before the concert. we slept until 2:45, woke up, picked up food, and then went back to staples to sit and eat on the ground somewhere before going to the ga line again. at 4:30 they let us all in and called up groups of 100 at a time based on numbers (ex: “numbers 1-100 line up” and got us situated in numerical order.

everyone 500 and under had to wait for us before they could start lining up. we sat in that line for about 2 hrs while soundcheck went in and came back out. and as 6 pm came closer a security guard kept messing with us by announcing how many minutes were left before we’d be allowed inside and we’d scream every time djkddnjdj. they finally began letting us in and we had to line up at different doors with metal detectors and get our bags checked. the girl in front of me in line was told to put her pride flag in her bag because it was too big to hold up at the show /: then we crossed to a table where we got our entrance wristbands and we flocked into the venue to secure our spots on the GA floor. we had to stand there for 2 hours until showtime and it was so painful bc our feet and backs were killing us after standing for nearly the entire day but the bts mv’s they played made it a little easier as the venue filled up around us

the people in the higher sections began syncing their army bombs and my friend and i fussed over our own and couldnt figure out why it wasnt working until a girl told us what we werent doing and we fixed it djkddknf then the lights got darker and darker and an intro video began to play on the big screens and everyone lost their fucking minds and then idol began to play and bts was right! there!! on the main stage and it was like i was in a dream. 😞 when they came to the mini stage all breath left my lungs , i

overall the experience was stressful, painful, exhausting, sweaty, and emotionally draining but it was easily the best night of my life and id do it all again in a heartbeat. they were beyond incredible and im immensely proud to be a fan of bts. 😔💗

[sayitwityachest]

i had the worst stress dream ever. so for context, there's this weird toll road exit near tulsa, OK, that is super fucking confusing and my mom and i were there a few months ago and you basically HAVE to exit to pay the fee, and then immediately get back on, but the entrance back on the highway doesnt make sense, like there are a bunch of roads like an intersection and no signs and it's just confusing, trust me. and then u have our maps app that told us to go 10 miles out in the middle of bumfuck no where. like we were sitting here thinking we were about to get murdeeeered, but we finally go back on the highway and we are pretty sure that we got fined again lol. but anyway, in my dream i was driving somewhere and i accidentally took an exit too soon and it looked just like this and i legit could not tell what to do, bc there were multiple highways to get on all next to each other and i couldnt see shit and i was low on gas and it wanted me to go out to no where so i just pulled over near the intersectons and got out to try and make sense of it without the stress of driving. it was like nearing sunset. and it's loud af bc of cars and i glance behind me and nearly shit myself bc somehow this old black dodge challenger had parked behind me. it had blacked out windows and all it's doors were open and there was like smoke coming out from inside so i thought there was multiple people for some reason and i literally was like "FUCK" and walked further away so they couldnt sneak up on me. but im freaked out bc unless they leave i have to walk past them to get back to my car now. so im trying to get my phone out, and irl my phone sucks ass- es a complicated situation lmao. and i check behind me again and like scream because ANOTHER car had parked behind me and this time there was a man walking towards it like i had turned and caught him coming up on me and he faked out. i am thoroughly losing my shit now, and i walked pretty far away, and the way exits are a lot of times is that they are elevated from the highway, so this is all on a giant hill, and i walk far away enough to where i can see the back of my car and the challenger and the front of the other car, which of course, the guy keeps walking around and getting closer and closer to me while like NOT looking at me. i was so stressed and the sun was setting and shit and then i woke up like trapped in my blankies and sweating my ass off and couldnt go back to sleep, the end teehee

[oflgtfol]

had a dream that my mom wanted me to watch this movie called... cedar dreads? it was entirely animated and also almost 6 hours long. she was really pushy about me watching it so i put it on around 1am but. i could not keep it on for more than 15 minutes bc it was honestly really freaking and also it was 1am so i couldnt emotionally handle that shit that late at night, and also i’d be up till like 7am if i did watch it

so the movie. all the characters were dinosaurs and/or lizards but in a semi-cartoony, semi-realistic style. also they were all anthro and living basically as humans. the animation was super super good. but the plot was that like. i honestly dont even know. but it was super gorey and actually went really really far

like yeah i just watched The Thing and i realized my newfound appreciation for gore when its used correctly but like. holy shit. i had to turn this movie off when they showed a whole child being brutally killed and eaten by some monster thing. i had my eyes covered during that scene bc i just could not watch and it was bad enough hearing the kid’s screams. and it was only 15 minutes into the movie and i was like alright i cant fuckin do this right now LOL. and my mom got mad at me for not watching it then and there?? LOL. even though she has NEVER been up and awake at 1am in my entire life but ok

anyway i googled it and i dont think thsi movie actually exists bc i do actually kinda wanna watch it for real lol ;_;

in terms of plot, all i remember is that. there were these lizard anthro people living in an.. apartment building or something? but this one guy. was evil. somehow, whenever ANYBODY wnet into the basement, they were killed instantly by this guy. idk id he bargained with a demon or something idk but it just was not natural the way he was killing these people so quickly and so gorey but i cannot remember why he wouldnt be anything other than a normal lizard anthro person

anyway so then one batch of people brought this dog down. and i was like. oh my god dont kill the dog dont kill the fucking dog and i was getting so scared and upset LOL bc it kept just zooming into the dog’s shaky face without showing him dead. also now thay i think about it, kinda weird that theres just a normal pet dog in a world of lizard anthro people...? but whatever. anyway so the killer decides not to kill the dog for some reason.... and then it turns out the dog is also evil. the dog is not actually a normal pet dog bc its likr a demon or somethingg. it starts egging the killer on to kill more and more people and it feeds on blood or something and it started transforming into these more and more monstrous shapes, honestly probably inspired by the dog in The Thing now that i think about it LMAO, so anyway the demon dog gave the killer even more powrrs. so now this guy is a whole killing monster

and so he finally escapes the basement to kill more people, now that hes powerful enough to do it in broad daylight and kill multiple people at once. and so he goes around and just absolutely wrecks shit, spraying gasoline all over the place, lighting fires, straight up murdering people. all this while he’s a monster thing so im pretty sure he had like, tentacles doing all this shit, i dont think he himself ever actually emerged from the basement? Like all this was happening thru the basement window. so anyway then the pov shifted to this mother and child huddled up against he wall right next to the window, they thought they were for sure goners, but he wasnt attacking them so they thought maybe he couldnt see them. i think the kid was actually hidig in a mailbox and the mother was behind it.

but then. the guy suddenly turned to the mailbox. he originally just wanted to wreck it for Destruction reasons but then he saw the child peeking out. and so yeah he killed the kid. idk how he killed him because thatts when i hid my eyes and couldnt watch but i heard the screams and i knew it was brutal, even more brutal than the other murders we witnessed in the basement bc those were mainly in the darkness without much detail, and also it was a kid being killed which makes it worse. so i just had to turn it off bc this was only the first 15 minutes i couldnt handle 5 and a half more hours of this LOL

i THINK i had read the synopsis in the dream so i think this was just a prologue. the actual plot would follow some blue lookin lizard guy who was trying to stop the demon monster thing. and i remember reading praise from viewers who said it was like, a Delight to see his character development happen over the 6 hr runtime, how he started as some naive dude who thought he could stop it but slowly got jaded over time as more and more people died or whatever. idk. LOL . So i do wish i got to see that but apparently this movie doesnt exist irl so <3

[rain-line]

i had such a really sad, fucked up dream yalls

i dont remember wat happened in most of it, i just remember the ending/climax of it. even tho it was fictional i feel devastated

basically me and two friends were being chased by this really determined, wildly angry dude out for revenge. this dude was like on a strategic mind plane of zero escape or komaeda levels. so im gonna call him komaeda. one of the friends with me was some rando blondie so ill just call her kaede (bc she was sweet and very motivated n cute). the other friend,,, was literally just chihiro.

(this is p long so its under cut)

 like im only calling the villain of this dream komaeda bc of how crazy strategic n wild he was, he wasnt literally komaeda. and im calling the other friend kaede just based on looks. but this other person i was escaping with was actually just chihiro. we called them chihiro and everything. just a random dangan ronpa character for no reason lol.

we were on a high floor of a multi-storied building (like a hotel or apartment or something) and komaeda guy cornered us in a room and he sprays some sleeping gas stuff in the air so we cant run from him, like, he even sprays it within HIS own vicinity. thats how confident he was i guess he knew/was counting on that he would be the first to wake up and then he could kill kaede and chihiro (he didnt really care about me, he just wanted kaede n chihiro ded bc he felt they wronged him or watev. even tho i wasnt on his hit-list he was still dangerous so i was still scared tho and wanted to help my friends 😔 )

so kaede chihiro n komaede fall asleep bc of the sleep gas and i dont bc i held my breathe (mind blown amirite) and first thing i do is drag komaeda away into another room and try to think wat i can do with this opportunity since hes knocked out. but im weak and theres nothing i can use as a weapon to maim or kill him. (and thinking back on it, i shouldve at least tied him up to buy time but that never occured to dream me lol) the whole time while i was trying to figure out wat to do, he kept drifting in and out of the gas sleep mumbling incoherently about his plans and even trying to weakly get away from me. i just left him alone in that room and went back to the other room where kaede n chihiro were still knocked out.

i couldnt get them to wake up so i try my best to help them get away. the only other escape from the room was through the balcony. so one by one i drag and toss (GENTLY AS I CAN) their bodies from current balcony to next balcony on the floor beneath. a random gardener dude notices me and helps after quick explanation of the dire situation. having the extra manpower makes this go by way smoother and easier. we’re on the last couple floors of the building, chihiro wakes up after i move him to the next balcony. (gr8!) i climb up to the previous balcony to check to see if kaede is waking up yet and to move her to the next balcony as well, but just as i climb up both me and the rando gardener see sleepy kaede being dragged away by komaeda from a nearby vent system or watever. we’re shook.

i start to immediately climb through the vent to go after them and save her but the scenery in the building is extremely scary, like in this video exactly (probably bc i had just watched that vid for the first time about 2 nights ago). so as much as i wanted to go in and save her i was terrified. U_U 

me, gardener and chihiro try to discuss and brainstorm thingsg we could do. we weren't gonna run off to save ourselves or go look for help bc we didnt want to leave kaede  behind, but also we we were all just too scared to go in there. i tried one more time to go in and i didnt get too far bc it just kept getting scarier the more u went in so i crawled back out.

we spent maybe an hour or two trying our best to brainstorm and venture (unsuccessfully) through the vent system. finally i built up enough courage and determination for kaede and hatred for komaeda that i was ready to face fears and enter the vents again. my plan was to just run through it loud and screaming- so that rather than being jumpscared and caught off guard myself, i’d already alert or scare watever is in there so i would see them coming and it wouldnt be so scary. we still didnt have any weapons or anything, but the gardener gave me this dull gardening tool that kinda looked like one of those tools u see people pick up cake slices on to serve, u kno?

so just as i was ready to burst in, a mega bruised up, beaten, komaeda gets kicked from a window and lands in front of us. we’re all like ‘yay! kaede finally managed to best him!’ i think for a second, where is kaede tho? but i get too overwhelmed seeing komaeda there, this is finally the chance to stop him and make sure he doesnt hurt us or anyone else ever again. he has been a nightmare and i just hope he didnt hurt kaede too much. komaeda is just sittin there and seems to have already accepted his fate. doesnt say anything but it just warmly smiling and waiting for us to end it.

i wasnt gonna miss another oppurtunity like back when he pulled the sleeping gas stunt so i stab him with the  blunt  tool over and over in the face, in his eye, chest, heart- thats wen he falls over n dies. but i keep stabbing him in the back bc this whole dream hes been after us and causing so much stress and anxiety and i want to MAKE SURE he cant get back up somehow through some sneaky tricks up his sleeve or something.

after that ordeal we make our way out the building. we somehow knew that kaede would meet us down there (dream logic i guess). the weather turns into heavy, almost sideways rain. we see kaede made it to the roof of a building across the street via zip line. shes wearing a yellow raincoat bc of the weather (lol.) we’re like yay katie made it out safe. but the gardener is like ‘i dunno, doesnt it kinda look like shes way too spotless, unscratched, untouched for having winning a struggle with komaeda?’ i dont respond and ignore his comment, but it makes a very frightening feeling and thought itch at my mind that something indeed isnt right.

heres the fuckin kick

we meet up withi kaede on the roof only for her to remove the hood of the raincoat and speak to us to reveal that this is actually komaeda with his hair dyed blonde and dressed in kaede’s clothes. hes laughing in our faces and tells us what he did and watches the despair on my face. 

after he snatched kaede from the vent, he beat her the fuck up enough to make up for the fact that he wasnt able to get chihiro too. then he cut and dyed her hair (as well as dyeing his) and switched their clothes (which he actually probably did first since kaedes clothes were spotless remember) that would explain why they were in there for hours while we outside too afraid to go in, deliberating on wat to do. he actually finished setting up with time to spare, but he used that time to just wait, so that our tensions (mainly mine) would build up so much that i would feel fed up and reach the height of my anger, so thats wen he decided it was time to t hrow the disguised kaede at us from the window. he knew the mere sight of “him” would flare up my rage. 

poor katie was so beaten n rekt that she could barely move or even speak, which is why she didnt do anything to fight back or speak. she  couldnt. thats why she, as “komaeda” just sat there and smiled. that was honestly all she could do, just smile at us and accept her fate ;-;  i fucking murdered her.

so the dream ended with komaeda dressed as kaede laughing maniacally at us in the rain with the occasional lightning strikes, like a stereotypical villain ending.

that was the end. i woke up sooooooooooooooo  shookened.

tbh tho, as bad as that dream made me feel im also in love bc ive always liked tragic stories- tragic heroes, sad endings, tearjerker movies, etc, anything sad i love it. so on one hand, im devastated this happened, but on another hand im like- this is a genius storyline. a masterpiece. i love it.

[vitos-ordination-song]

i look back on horror at who i was as a child a lot bc it was bad and i did bad things. but just now i felt kind of fond of little me and proud. bc i did survive and i was smart. 

i got sparked thinking about this bc i was thinking back to being really little. really little, potty training and earliest memories. i was so motivated to be perfect and actually i was good at getting approval. it’s sad bc thats what shaped the bad part of me. at this deep level i learned i did not want to be punished or disapproved of and so i tried to distance myself from my brothers who were punished and compared negatively to me. 

it’s weird bc for so long i felt shame about this. when i was in high school i apologized to my brothers in tears bc theyd often been resentful of me when we were young and i felt guilty for being the baby who got away with things while they were punished. from like age 2 to age maybe 10 i had a p bad superiority complex borne out of this and i just felt like a bad person for it for a long time. plus i didnt fully break out of the mindset til i let go of inferiority/superiority. 

i do see that i was just a child but thats kinda the part that feels like a horror movie. if i think of it being a child who was in situations i was and doing things i did, it feels horrifying. so most of my thinking back on being a kid are kinda disturbing. 

but im kinda getting back in touch w the part of myself i love for the past few years. and you know i survived for a reason. bc i love life and there are parts of me that are strong. what i was thinking about that started all of this was the kind of two-sided split nature of my childhood. what actual form did it take. 

i was absolutely obsessive about adult approval. to a degree that was v annoying to other kids but worked. i didnt necessarily SHOW that i was obsessed w it and i dont think i was even thinking consciously about it. a lot of my memories go in this vein. like i was good at memorizing bc that was asked of me. i could intense laser focus on things and memorize them. i remember frantically memorizing Bible verses at age 5 to win the Bible verse memorizing competition which the adults put on.

all of my strengths i had to be best in and all of my weaknesses were sources of shame i tried to improve on. i took very seriously morality as it was taught to me and made a great show of following it. i was often what you could consider teachers pet and basked in any positive reinforcement thrown my way. 

i was addicted to avoiding punishment and seeking reward. it was a response to my highly behaviorist, authoritarian upbringing. my emotional state in relationship with adults could vary wildly depending on how they treated me. i had a teacher in fourth grade who seemed to dislike and undermine me, like she wanted to break me, and i internalized my idea of her to help shape myself into someone who she would like. and it mostly worked. 

the intensity of my ability to do stuff like this cannot be understated. i learned to totally supress my sensory problems because they made adults annoyed with me and might lead to punishment (also i had to learn to deal with them alone because i had no help). i learned how to present a certain type of acceptable personality. 

i should note that i learned to do this first because of my parents. i learned later, but very young, that i had been easy to potty train. i was often praised both for being intelligent but especially for being “easy” and obidient. the perfect child. as compared to my brothers who wet the bed and had to be punished for it. ive thought for a while that the reason i was so obsessed with being perfect in school is that my mother homeschooled me and my brother for kintergarden. she screamed at him for being stupid. never me. 

being better was being safe. so i became this person who had to follow all the rules and be best at everything and i always wanted to be assured that i had earned love by my behavior. 

but the oddest thing about this is that i was a totally anti-authority, rebellious, and single-minded child. this is how the split in my personality manifested when i was little. any time i sensed any kind of unfairness i was livid. i undermined authority figures behind their backs with other kids. i got around rules however i could. 

the thing was, i think, even when i was very little, was that i knew it was arbitrary. the authority my parents wielded over me and my siblings was incomprehensible. i couldnt follow it. i just knew that they were in charge so they could do what they wanted. they were inconsistent in their punishments and rewards. sometimes they punished you for nothing and sometimes you got away with doing something actually bad. they weren’t fair. they just made it up as they went along. 

i wanted to do what i wanted to do and really i felt no attachment to their judgment on it--at least this side of me didnt. and it goes back just as far, maybe farther, than the feeling of superiority or desire for approval. i think that came more as i became afraid of punishment. 

i have very young memories of defying my parents authority. i just wanted to get away with it. and i almost always did. 

it’s funny because my entire family has always judged me for that but now i look back with some admiration. i mean i was obsessing with how to get away with things in my youngest memories, like age 3. all throughout my childhood i broke the rules to do what i wanted. 

when i was thinking earlier, what came to me was that i always acted to get approval so that i could get away with things and do what i really wanted to do. my main occupation as a child was reading. i was approved of for it. i read so much! i was such a smart little girl! and i could get away with spending all my time away from people in another world, the world of my books. i was quiet and out of the way so i was a good child. and that was one of the main sources of happiness in my childhood, reading, escaping, learning, being somewhere else. 

i waged a warfare against authority quietly. i learned to give them what they want and then do whatever i wanted when they looked away. i did it all the time. the side of me that wanted approval and the one that wanted freedom were somewhat dissociated so i didnt even fully realize i was doing it. 

i think what caused a lot of the change was falling from grace. in my own eyes, in my projected, perceived vision of God, and in the eyes of adults. it happened around age 10 and 11. i went from a very high to very low opinion of myself quickly. i think some of it was having a teacher who simply did not and would not like me, who wanted me to be smaller. she didnt like that i was disorganized and said i had terrible handwriting. she wasnt cruel but she wanted to destroy me for my own good. she constantly put me down and made me a subject of ridicule in class. 

i was also thinking more about Christian morality. the more i learned about God and heard about sin the more i felt i was a sinner. i felt bare and stripped naked, disgusting before God. 

i had humbling experience after humbling experience--internally as i reflected on my behavior and externally though rejection by peers, failure in school, and adult disapproval. it wasnt possible for me to feel approved of, perfect anymore. i could only be bad. 

i kept going further and further with this until i was reborn and rejected all of it. i stopped being Christian and rejected God’s authority. Christianity was the only worldview i had ever been allowed to imagine. once i stopped believing in it i was separate from every person around me. i could not, as a human being, have anyone’s approval. 

i wasnt the golden child at school or at home any more. i started getting in trouble in ways i never would have before because i was more defiant openly. a teacher took my kindle from me in 8th grade and i was punished for stealing it back. i had used to never talk back to my parents but i started to. i was angry. the dynamics in my family shifted and sometimes i was the scapegoat, sometimes i was the one being screamed at, punished, hit the most. me and my siblings played hot potato for it. golden child shifted around too. but i would never be the favorite again. by the time my parents went back to fawning on me, when i was a successful college student, i had no taste for it. 

starting around age 13. i had to become my own internal source of approval, authority, and being. i started to parent myself. i developed an internal parent who nurtured me and i sought out a lot of media about good and loving parents. i cried alone all the time but when i was calming down, i would stroke my own hair and talk to myself. i thought for myself and made up my mind about things. i had my own internal sense of morality that wasnt based on punishment and rewards. that made me a better person. before i had broken any rule with no guilt. i did not consider right and wrong of the action, only likelihood of punishment or reward. when i was giving myself approval, /i/ had to approve of my actions. 

idk ive just rambled a lot but i guess ive been thinking tonight about how ive reacted to environments and how ive changed myself as a person. i have these moments, shorter periods in my life, where something totally shifts in me. but that doesnt make long term effects just go away. i still worry about approval and punishment. i still punish and reward myself. these things are ground into me. inferiority/superiority too. but i saw through them and i have changed. 

[marchingfluterino]

championships and friday game things!!

friday game:

before practice me matt and annabeth were in a practice room and miguel walks past and looks in and we all look back at him

and then he comes back and pokes his head in and says, “you guys want some sauce?”

and he comes in and takes his hot sauce and some break out of hi pockets and starts like, drug dealing it to matt and annabeth bc he’d gotten it banned

and he tells me to get in front of the door

then later he takes us into the practice room he was in and. he had a whole computer in there. like with a tower and everything

it was wild

then noah was there!!!!!! it was lit im glad noahs back

hes been in the hospital since bandcamp and obviously hes had his treatment but he still needs to take it easy

hes pit tho so thats good

it was my section leader + her twin sister the trombone section leader’s birthday

and also daryl (ben kukunas) the band fish’s birthday

i love DBK hes so cool

i didnt even know he existed until friday tho

then at the game we got there and u could hear piccolos (6, i counted)

and i was like !!!!!!! :OOOOO!!!!! i wanna do that

and max, resident tubist for the cavaliers, was like “no theyre so screechy”

and we got into an argument over whats better lmao

then at halftime after we went the (HUGE) other band got cheered for REALLY loud by their student section

like wtf i want that

and turns out they were really exciting

like bad, but exciting

lots of dancing and spinning and running and screaming

it was demoralizing tbh

they didnt have pit but they had drumline + marching marimbas

my mom marched that in 10th grade

after halftime noah did the band dance and it was SO FUCKIN LIT!!!!!!

he made us do some classic band dance stuff that we did w the drum majors while he was gone but we also did a bunch of other stuff like basically the bird

at one point he actually LAID DOWN ON THE FLOOR it was SO FUCKIN LIT

then we sang happy birth to ellie and vicky and dbk

hannah’s mellophone got knocked over and it had a flat dent it in and i said to her, “hannah, i think ur lookin a lil flat”

pat got one of those bags of those snack size bags of chips and started like handing them out to staff

u could tell he was tryin to be secretive about it but it wasnt working

he then zipped the big bag into his jacket

at one point i actually yelled “HEY PAT WHATS IN YOUR SHIRT”

and he couldnt tell it was me but he like did a glare

then later i went up with the saxes bc theyre always p lit

i had a stand off with josh where we’d like play notes at each other and like do weird poses

like dogs when theyre playin

then at one point my instrument broke AGAIN

screaming into our instruments

on the us ride back this one car NYOOOOOOMED past us really FUCKIN loud

then a second car did the same thing

it was wild

saturday championships:

LAST PRACTICE.......... EVER. RIP

not actually tho, only for the seniors

actually wait, it was the last REGULARLY SCHEDULED practice OF THE SEASON for the seniors

i gave daryl the bingo sheets

i noticed ben was like dci-style running across the field with bent legs to get to the set where we’re all on / posing around the boxes

he’s really tall and yet he was far enough away

it looked really comical

but like, i have to backwards march sorta like that to get to some of my sets in the closer as well so

at the competition there was this other band next to our bus and

clarissa: stop being so judgmental caitlin (a colorguard instructor): their guard uniforms are ugly though

apparently roman asked max to zip him up and he ACTUALLY DID

after getting our uniforms on and stuff we passed this other band that was going to the stadium and me and this one kid who had a piccolo like pointed to our instruments and grinned like “SAME HAT!!!”

there was this other band warming up that literally fuckin did hallelujah and dont stop believin. it was wild

the band before us did bohemian rhapsody and, according to my mom, their theme was rhapsodies and before that they’d done rhapsody in blue.

yes. by george gershwin. what the fuck

max came down our two line giving everyone fistbumps and i was at the back and when he fistbumped me i said “piccolos are better than tubas” lmao

while we were marching on some people in the stands were screaming like “DARYL!!!” and “EVAN HATTRICK” (but with mr hee hees real last name)

like i was STRUGGLING not to laugh it was so Fucking funny

i only made one mistake this time!!

when we went back to our trailer + buses to take off our uniforms + get our windsuits and money i told max my drum corps joke

me: hey max do ya wanna hear a drum corps joke max: no me: yeah ya do! whaddaya call someone who only starts liking a drum corps when they start winning? max: a... blue devil me: a BANDWAGONER

i got two videos during this and one was of glenna and quinn but the other one was. god

this is an Actual screenshot of it and honestly it is Such a Masterpiece. Matt’s FUCKING dab. max’s look of disappointment. pat’s fucking face like he’s like shading someone or something. paul’s face like he’s just given up on literally everything.

like. literally the video was just max leaning into the frame from behind matt while i’m yelling “WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR DOTBOOK YOU LOSER” and then matt reverse whipping as he says “i thought i had my phone and now” and then max turns around again RIGHT AS matt says “i wanna die” and dabs

these brass guys tried to give multiple staff members a white paper bag. what was in the bag, you may be wondering?

one (1) hot dog, free of bun, and a couple fries.

mr beaver, opening the bag: “this is disgusting”

they actually had lost the bun and found it like twenty minutes later

this one 4a band did a show called “phobias: what are you afraid of” and it was REALLY COOL

the phases of the show were spiders / snakes / water / being alone / loud noises / fire and it was VERY good

they had spiderwebs on the pit’s instruments and spiderweb props that were like ropes with a guard member in the center and a marcher at each end, and the color guard also had stuffed snake props and blue and red flags for water and fire respectively. they also did sabrework and had these cool dark / light gray flags

they also had a trumpet soloist for snakes and a trombone soloist as well as an INCREDIBLE flute soloist for water. fuck

for loud noises they had some normal volume stuff and then all of a sudden FUCking THIRTY-SEVEN FS

they had two big props that were the same at the front of each side of the field that said the name of their show in big white letters, and in small white a bunch of fears and in middling size in red the phases. i sat right behind max and he was being judgy about that and salting about how that made the show less exciting or whatever lmao

then a 3a band (same class as us) did a beethoven show with a tiny bit of moonlight sonata in the beginning and then beethoven’s fifth, then fur elise and finally ode to joy

it was so fucking good. what business do they have marching to beethoven and making it that fucking good

i asked max and he said that him leaning into the frame during the video was on purpose lmao

we were on the same bus so beka gave me her hanger and windsuit pants to take back there

BUT

i had to take them onto the field

michael took the pants and put them in his pocket after folding them really compactly

i had the hanger in my jacket the whole time

(clarissa found out about the flute-in-my-sleeve scenario and got mad about it)

anyway i kept opening my jacket and going “hey u want a hanger”

even when we got to mingle with other bands

we also talked to someone from the band with the hella amazing bari sax soloist / drum major and she said that everyone in the band is attracted to him

also guess who we told about that guy being called sax daddy

lmao

there was a fucking Long conga line

also on the way back to the buses, on the Road Of High Fives, this one kid from another band yelled “tell miguel to go to hell for the hot sauce” I CANT BELIEVE THIS. HE WAS DRUG DEALING HIS HOT SAUCE TO OTHER BANDS FUCK

also ppl were taunting paul (a dentist) about dentistry on the way back. “i only floss at dentist appointments!” someone yelled from the back of the bus. paul puts his head in his hands in despair

percussion started doing the cadence on the seats

we started chanting “DARYL! DARYL! DARYL!” when we got to the school and mr hee hee said “why are we chanting for a fish” OH MY GOD

and. that’s it i guess.

end of the season

we’ve still got at least two more games to go to, since we made it into playoffs, and the disney trip, and november practices, but. that’s it for competitions and full runs for this year.