#they cook down a LOT so make at least 2 for a serving

[multicarinata]

now that I have time to think about it I'll be living the lifestyle of an ascetic monk this year. but I did refine an excellent sole fillet recipe so things look up for not ordering food ever

[artificial-condition]

Super excited some day to just be cooking for me. It’ll be so easy to cook smaller meals, so fast, minimal clean up. And if I have too much or want to make large meals I’ll invite people over :)

[blkkizzat]

❛ IN YO PU$$Y TONGUE TWISTIN' LIKE ITS STIR FRY!❜

✰summary: don't ask toji to make you dinner if you aren't ready to be dinner ✰tw: nasty, filthy, insane pussy eating like its groceries. literal groceries cause there's lots of food/cooking sex references lmfao. ✰wc: <1k [no taglist under 1k]

Toji who you sass, telling him to be useful for once and "make you dinner." Unfortunately for you, Toji takes it quite literally as he makes you HIS dinner.

Without any warning you are manhandled down to the couch. Your brand new pink frilly panties utterly trashed, ripped off of you and discarded like a flimsy plastic wrap. Toji kneads open your doughy thighs, ordering you to hold your knees so that you are spread wide for him.

Succumbing to his more debased urges, your coochie would be his 'kitchen' for the next 2 hours. It was obvious from the perverse way his lips smacked together, sucking his teeth at the sight of your succulent cunt—he couldn't wait to serve you up on a platter.

Digging in, Toji wastes no time with prep work. 

Unabashedly feasting in your savory folds as if he were a gourmet who had just been presented with a 10-course 3-star michelin meal. Toji's filthy mouth proves to be such a needy glutton for your pretty pussy—slurping, suckling and nibbling at your sensitive lil’ clit until you’re sobbing. You clench and twitch around his tongue which seems to be on a mission to completely sear your insides, reducing your to legs to gelatinous goo. 

All the heat Toji boils in your core spreads to your entire body and your hands grow slippery with sweat. You shake as you struggle to maintain hold of your knees. Yet the scalding look Toji gives you makes you think twice before you let go of them—lest chef Toji say the dish is ruined and he needs to start all over again. 

“Chef knows best” Toji tells you, along with his specialty cuisine style of "making it nasty", so of course he must braise your swollen throbbing clit in globs of his spit. His tongue bastes over your sopping folds as he scoops the marinated mixture—crafted of his saliva and the syrupy juices of your ripened cunt—back into your steamy quivering hole. 

At the very least you were grateful that despite the embarrassment flaming on your tear-stained cheeks, the amount of carnal pleasure coursing through your body sent your mind into euphoric delirium. Your eyes spared you from the sight of Toji's shameless display of ravenous hunger by becoming lodged into the back of your skull.

Nevertheless, you didn’t need to see to tell that Toji is a messy cook. Some of your rich milky sauce is sure to dribble down to the crack of your ass as his lecherous ministrations cause you to overflow. Not to worry though—when it comes to relishing your perfect pussy, Toji ultimately keeps a tidy kitchen and he is certainly not wasteful. 

Toji will dutifully clean up any mess, unlike your actual kitchen where he never washes a dish. Likewise, although when you try to get him to eat healthier and he refuses his greens—Toji will never hesitate to toss your salad. Stirring his tongue deep into your puckered hole he savors the taste while three of his thick fingers bully into your tight lil’ pussy, blending you up until you pureed all over his fingers.

The intensity of your lustful moans rival that of the vulgar sounds sloshing from your core and echoing throughout the living room. Both sounds Toji finds himself developing an insatiable hunger for and it spurs on his near relentless teasing of you. 

Duplicitous in his positively feral pussy drunk state, he reasons with you that "a chef never reveals his secrets".

Therefore you are never certain upon reaching the peak of your next mind-mincing orgasm if he will serve you utterly delectable release—the sweet nectar of your squirt garnishing his lips resulting in Toji to nearly busting in his own pants from rutting against the sofa—

—or if he will cruelly snatch it away from you again as you teeter right on the edge of rapture. When he does this there is certainly a twinkle in his eyes as he mocks you, "but you weren't quite done simmering just yet, mamas."

Absolutely overdone and oversensitive, if the torture of him stewing your insides becomes too much—If you really whine and tell him you've had enough—to his credit Toji would stop. Stop and hover mere centimeters away from your leaky lil’ peach that is. 

You would whimper, so sore from the abuse of his tongue as his own eyes would roll back at the sugary smell of your arousal wafting off your messed up lil cunny. Toji knows at this point you are too fucked out—too thoroughly made well-done on his tongue to escape from his gluttonous depravity. 

Sloppy and glazed in your cum, the scar on Toji's lip glistens as it pulls into a devious smirk. Huffing out, Toji would softly breeze air over your puffy clit until your lil nub throbbed with enough need to beg for another course. 

Toji would oblige you of course. 

Nonetheless, as punishment for disturbing the chef while he’s cooking, you would have to wait a bit more before you felt his mouth on you again. Only blowing over your sex, your desperate pleas are only met with cruel chuckles chiding you that he needed to "let his food cool properly" before he could eat the next serving.

In the end, Toji's hard efforts in your kitchen are rewarded as he thoroughly consumes every last morsel you have to offer, cleaning up every lingering string of your arousal. With his wanton thirst for your creamy caramelized cunt finally quenched he brings himself up to admire your cute slutted out pout. 

You gasp as Toji’s lips meet yours in a fiery kiss. His tongue is just chaotic, dominating your mouth as if he were still craving the taste of your core.

You're dizzy for air when Toji finally pulls away. Still coming down from your blissed out state you fail to notice Toji had switched your positions. You are now on the floor between his legs while he sits on the couch.

His beefy thighs manspread wide as his girthy length springs from his dark sweats. The angry red tip of his cockhead sways back to hit his abs thickly coated in what must be his own fluids from at some point cumming in his pants just from eating you out.

Reaching out to grab your chin his thumb rubs over your lips in a gentle caress before bullying them open. You were going to roast his cock in that warm n’ tight throaty lil oven of yours.

It was your turn to make him dinner.

✰ ©blkkizzat 2024. do not steal works or gfx, do not translate.

✰a/n: y'all idk im hungry, on my period and i clearly got demons. that's all the defense i got so y'all can lock me away for this now. *runs away* p.s.plug!choso lovers this is not a fic, its a drabble i promise i literally wrote this in tumblr drafts don't kill me LOL

✰reblog & comments are my life's blood. ty!

[linos-luna]

Ask and you shall receive 💕

———————————————————————

My Queen (Pt. 2) 🔪

Yandere!Hyunjin x Fem!Reader

Warning: Yandere, 18+, delusions, Stockholm Syndrome?, Soft Sex, drinking

(Pt. 1) (Pt. 2) (Pt. 3) (Pt 4)

———————————————————————

Another two weeks has passed. Your shoulder was finally healing but still sore. A weak point, if you may. You felt that the longer you were here, the more Hyunjin’s mind slipped into this delusion. And while you were technically his prisoner, it wasn’t all that bad…

Hyunjin was able to gather more of your items from your house as the days went by. He would also bring you new things as gifts. You wondered if any friends or family had realized you were missing. Were they even looking?

Whatever was happening in the outside world, it didn’t matter to Hyunjin. He was too busy with you. Loving you. Serving you. Spoiling you.

He would barely let you walk, opting to carry you bridal style anywhere he went. He dressed you everyday and would fix your hair. If you didn’t comply, he’d be angry but try and control himself to not hurt you. It was hard sometimes. He was very unpredictable and some days were like walking on eggshells.

A cheesy rom com played as you sat on the couch. A blanket rested on your lap as you waited for the man to finish cooking. You weren’t paying much attention to the movie and fiddled your thumbs on your lap.

Hyunjin soon came out of the kitchen, setting some dishes on the dining table.

“Dinner is ready, my love.” He said with a smile while taking your hand.

At the table you see a tasty steak dinner. You didn’t know he could make something like that. But maybe he looked it up online.

Hyunjin pulled your hair behind your shoulders before sitting next to you.

The steak was cut up in small pieces and vegetables nicely aligned with the rice. A glass of wine was there as well, nearly halfway full. Seemed like a lot.

You were about to take the fork to begin before Hyunjin stopped you.

“How about I feed you today.” He said while taking the fork. “A queen shouldn’t have to lift a finger.”

“I… I can feed myself…”

“My love, I insist.” He took your hand and looked at you with desperation.

He hasn’t been so serious about feeding you before so this was unsettling. But the least you could do was feed yourself.

“No… Hyunjin… I don’t—”

Hyunjin suddenly squeezed your hand tight. And it was very tight. The grip had you whimpering as your finger bones were squeezed together. Needless to say that it hurt a lot.

“I’ll feed you tonight.” He said sternly, suddenly getting very serious.

“H-hurts… you’re hurting me…” you whimpered and he quickly let go. Almost as soon as he went serious, he was back to himself.

“I’m sorry, darling!” He pleaded while kissing your hand. “I must’ve hurt your frail bones!”

You sighed as he began to feed you. The food was actually delicious and you ate the whole thing.

Hyunjin took a sip of the wine before holding it to your lips.

You were about to grab it when he slapped your hand away and tilted the glass for you to drink. You weren’t exactly fond of red wine but if you didn’t drink, it would just get everywhere.

The bitter drink went down your throat fairly quick and he was already preparing another glass.

“One is okay…” you said as you felt your cheeks getting warm. It must be a strong wine as you were already feeling buzzed.

“Nonsense.” He said before putting it to your lips again.

Drinking it again definitely left you buzzed and your mind was getting a little fuzzy. Nothing too crazy but you definitely weren’t sober.

“Was it good?” He asked. “I only buy the best for you.”

You nodded and he smiled with joy as he helped you to your feet.

“Um… Jinnie?” You had an idea, not sure how it would go.

“Yes, darling?” He replied quickly.

“I… I was wanting to um…” you looked down, feigning shyness. “N-never mind…”

He instantly got on his knees before you and held your hand. “No what is it, my love? Anything! I’ll do it!”

“I just… I wanted…” you paused for a moment, hoping that if you use his lingo, perhaps it’ll entice him more. “I want to… take a stroll… around the castle…”

“Why of course!” Hyunjin said before standing up and holding your cheek. “My queen needs her activities, right.”

You nodded as he took your hand and led you to the bedroom.

He got you a coat and held your hand as he started walking you from the room to the kitchen.

“Um… how about outside?”

“Outside?” He paused. “But we are strolling your castle.”

“But… but I wish to see the garden!” You said quickly. “Surely there is a lovely garden. All castles have one. You know?”

“Of course!” He blinked as if coming out of a thought. “I will take you there immediately!”

After putting on your shoes, he took you out to the backyard.

Now his backyard wasn’t anything special; in fact, it was quite small. There wasn’t really much of a garden either.

There was a small tree to a side and on rose bush. Trees from the neighbor’s yard carried over into his, leaving some apples hanging on the side. Other than that, the grass was almost dead.

“Wow.” You said awkwardly while looking around.

“I’m glad you like it, my love.” He said while kissing your cheek. “I was sure to fill it with the most beautiful flowers just for you.”

He motioned in a direction that had nothing, only dirt where a flowerbed could be.

“Hyunjin… there’s nothing there…”

“Nothing there?! Of course there is!” He chuckled and went to the area, reaching out as if he plucked a real flower. “I was sure to plant the prettiest flowers. The castle garden must be as gorgeous as you.”

You laughed nervously as he put the nonexistent flower in your hair and admired you.

“I-it’s… a lovely pink…”

“Pink?! My dear, that is purple.” He laughed. “The wine must be messing with your head.”

Hyunjin continued to walk you around, avoiding some spots as if plants were actually there. It worried you a bit.

“Jinnie… may I see the garden up front?”

“No.” He said bluntly.

“Why not?”

“Because someone will try and steal you away!” He said frantically.

You stepped back for a moment as he calmed himself.

“It’s getting dark.” He said while looking up to the sky. “Let’s go in.”

After settling down, you were in a nightgown. You waited for him to come back from turning out the lights in the kitchen and living room. He then came in with another two glasses of wine. Both half full.

You were still a bit buzzed from the last two glasses and looked at him confused as he raised it to your lips.

“Jinnie… haven’t I had enough?”

“Tonight is special.” He smiled while tilting it, making you gulp it down pretty fast.

With that, you were definitely past buzzed. Tipsy is more like it. Your mind was a little fuzzy and vision delayed. You only looked at him with drooping eyelids.

He gave you a kiss on the lips before pushing you on your back. For a moment, you snapped back into reality and saw him looking down at you. And yet… you had no ambition to move.

“Let me please you tonight.” He said while holding your cheek. “I promise to be gentle.”

You opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“Let me worship your body as a queen deserves.” He added while rubbing your side and delivering another kiss to your lips. But this one was deep and filled with more passion.

As he kissed you, you found yourself doing the unthinkable. Kissing him back. Surely it must be the alcohol that was clouding your judgement!

Hyunjin loved when you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, deepening the kiss and making soft moans.

His hands were under your nightgown, lightly groping you as he pushed his tongue through. And you? Well you didn’t fight it.

“Please, my love.” He whispered against your lips. “Let me love you…”

His hand was already at the waistband of your panties and you could feel yourself getting aroused by his touch.

“Okay…”

“Hm?” Hyunjin paused, holding your cheeks while looking into your eyes.

“You can….”

“I can show you my love?”

“Yes….”

You couldn’t believe what you were saying. Your mouth must have a mind of its own! No way! Surely you weren’t in the right mind! Right?

“Thank you my love!” He said before continuing to make out with you.

“My dear queen…” he gasped between kisses to your neck. “No one is as fair as you… nor as beautiful…”

You blushed. His complements always felt good. Hyunjin kissed your breasts and nipples over the nightgown and slowly lowered your underwear.

They were already wet. Very wet actually. He quickly stripped of his pants and boxers, already noticeably hard.

He teased your hole with his cock making you gasp softly before he slowly entered.

A fairly tight fit, but felt so good.

“My queen…” he grunted as he started to thrust. “So tight…”

You moaned at even the slightest of moment and it got more and more breathy as he continued.

He held your wrists above your head with one hand while holding you cheek with the other. He passionately kissed you, swallowing your noises as he made love to you.

The feeling was amazing. So warm and comforting. For a moment you forgot about everything in the world and the situation at hand. What situation? He was loving you. Taking care of you and giving constant praise,

It all accumulated to when you had your euphoric orgasm. One that you hadn’t had in a long time.

After coming himself, Hyunjin pulled out and gave a few more sloppy kisses before resting next to you.

You only stared up at the ceiling. Where are you? What is happening?

“I need to use the restroom, darling.” He said while walking out. “Ill be right back.”

When hearing the bathroom door close, you stumbled to your feet and made your way to the front room.

Your mind was still clouded but it was clear enough to see that the front door was unlocked. Perfect.

You went to it. Excited for the taste of freedom but then you paused.

Your hand laid on the doorknob but you did nothing.

Open it! The voice of reason pleaded. But you didn’t.

He’ll be devastated if you leave! Right? Or is it that… you wanted to stay…?

No way! That’s crazy talk! Why would you want to stay with the man who kidnapped you?? The man that took you from your life! … Your boring and mundane life… A life where no one cherishes you like he does…

You shake your head at the absurd internal arguments and twist the knob. Before you do anything, you hear Hyunjin call out to you.

“My love?! Where are you?!”

Your heart was pounding. It’s now or never.

“Darling, what are you doing here?” Hyunjin chuckled as he entered the kitchen.

And there you were. Leaning against the stove, away from the now locked front door.

“I just… wanted a snack…”

[ultimate-chickennougat]

| Your Salaryman Husband | (Vol 9)

Vol 1 Vol 2 Vol 3 Vol 4 Vol 5 Vol 6 Vol 7 Vol 8 (Not Required)

Salaryman!Kento x Housewife!Reader

When Nanami accidentally rolls onto you in your sleep...

Word Count: 1.1k

CW: SFW, domestic fluff, fem!Reader, reader wears a nightgown, Nanami is worried, very slightly suggestive.

A/n: This started as Nanami bringing you flowers and ended up as whatever this is?... (I'll do that next volume instead!)

Nanami sat at the dining room table, staring down at the few hours worth of paperwork before him. As per usual he was already burnt out from his work at the office, but of course it didn’t stop there. One of the joys of getting married was making quite a few large purchases, especially since the two of you didn’t live together beforehand. It had you very grateful he already had a car in good condition, as to not add another thing to the list. 

Unfortunately for Nanami, this wasn’t the kind of work he could get done with prior to coming home to you. Instead, he had to piece every budgeting document and report from various companies at home, and you had offered to join him in doing so. It went a lot faster thanks to your help, but seeing you all tired was not something he wanted to come from such menial tasks in his opinion. But the work was almost done, and most of the documents would finalize the purchases and regular payments that the two of you would need to make.

You were well accustomed to handling the household finances, keeping track of how much you spent each week at the grocery store, and trying to cut back on costs through growing vegetables and eating at home as much as possible. The two of you tried to run everything by each other whenever something was purchased, so your insight was very much appreciated by him. 

In between your yawns, Nanami let out a soft chuckle as he flipped through some pages and sat them to the side. After a few hours of jotting down figures, it was quite satisfying to watch them get slid into an envelope, placed into a box, and sealed away to not be touched for (hopefully) the next decade at least, assuming everything was done correctly.

You laid your head gently down onto the table, as Nanami moved his hand to cup your cheek and act as a pillow. Dinner was already cooking in the oven, a simple one-pan dish of vegetables and protein to be paired with fresh fruit you had purchased from the market earlier that day and ice cream as dessert. The scent flowed throughout the house, making you especially hungry, but it mostly lulled you closer to sleep.

Watching his cute little wife so tired and sweet, Nanami wouldn’t have been able to stop a smile from overcoming his face if he tried. In fact it was another thing that he loved about you, how despite being ready sleep in until noon the next day, you still got up and served the two of you dinner, making sure that everything was in place to make the next day go as smoothly as possible. 

The dishes were washed and set out to dry, and both of you changed into your clothes for the night. A pair of simple pajama pants and a loose fitting shirt for Nanami, and a cream colored nightgown for you. After brushing your teeth, you slid into bed with your husband following behind. 

If you weren’t so tired, Nanami would have acted on his urge to smother you with kisses. Instead he settled for just one, right on the lips held there for a couple seconds. To that you protested, “Kento I’m not that tired, you don’t have to go to sleep-,” but he cut you off. “I’m serious you need rest, goodnight my love,” he slipped under the covers, gently spooning you close as you drifted off to sleep. 

However, those urges didn’t seem to subside. Though usually still throughout the night, acting as a cage as you squirmed around, while deep into his own dreams he managed to turn onto his stomach… with you underneath him. Absolutely smooshed into your pillow, you woke up quickly and turned your head to the side to keep your ability to breath well. 

Your husband was large, that you knew, but for that to become a problem was quite rare when it was usually appreciated. It was that and the fact that he was gripping you so tightly, arms crossed over your torso like you would to a stuffed animal, an inescapable hold that still wasn’t yet uncomfortable. You thought about waking Nanami up for a bit, trying to wriggle out of his arms or push him off of you. Breathing wasn’t a problem and you didn’t exactly mind the closeness, though he was a bit heavy… so it took a good half hour for you to finally build up the will to ask him as you started to overheat. 

Ignoring your lack of sleep, by that time you were giggling at the look on his face when he finally woke up and moved. Nanami sat up on the bed, a slight flush to his cheeks and his lips had curled into a frown. “My love, don’t feel bad to wake me up,” he stated sternly, checking to make sure you were okay in a slightly frantic manner. “I’m sorry, Kento, but I’m okay, I promise,” you reasoned with him, to which he shook his head. “Either way I apologize, I’ll try to make sure this doesn’t happen again,” you snuggled back into the blankets, pulling Nanami by the hand so he laid down as well. 

“Are you sure you don’t want water or something? It must have been uncomfortable,” Nanami tried to get up to go grab some, but you remained clinging onto his arm. “I’m okay, it wasn’t bad,” you yawned with a smile, “In fact… I rather liked being so close.” In all your nights of sleeping in the same bed together, now nearing your fourth month of doing so, you never had encountered him doing such a thing. Something to note about what happens when you, his wife, the love of his life, looks a bit too irresistible and he cannot indulge as usual. 

Nanami hummed, letting out a yawn himself. He turned you around to face him, as you closed your eyes. “Like this?” he asked, admiring your face that was tucked into his chest. He breathing slowed down, worry leaving his mind as he relaxed with you. “It’s perfect,” you smiled, “Goodnight, darling.”

[deadsnothere]

Gunslinger Girl!

Synopsis - After getting a call from Garp, Alias made her way to the Baratie for a nice bite to eat and a long needed reunion.

Part 2

WARNINGS!! - READER HAS A NAME!!

Request - no, not taking them sorry.

Word count - 2.8k

Speak Ali! - Both parts together make 5,340 words, this Fic has literally taken up my brain.

Monkey D. Luffy.

Garp was a cheeky bastard.

I, Alias Foreman, Swore to be on Monkey D. Luffy's pirate crew when we both turned sixteen and fled to the sea together. I had a dream of becoming one of the most versatile people known to man. I want to learn as much as I can, to cook, to clean, to navigate boats and ships, anything you can teach me I will try my hardest to understand and learn. Now I'm not saying that I want to be the best at everything, there will always be people better. But I want to at least understand the basics of as much as possible. But for all of my life I've been known as a Gunslinger.

I'm ‘The Cheshire Cat’. Cool name with a stupid job. I hate being a Warlord of the Sea, it's the stupidest job on this side of the east blue, and they wouldn't even give me a proper crew. Just a few bumbling idiots who don't know what being a pirate really means.

Luffy always understood what being a pirate meant. I remember watching Garp train him day in and day out. Parts of me understand why Garp was so hard on him, I mean people say he takes after Gold Roger. Imagine your grandson taking after someone you helped execute. I don't think I'd be fond of it either. I’ve never thought Garp nor Luffy were wrong for what they want but, I think one knows what he's doing and the other doesn't.

-

It's always quite bothersome when halfway through my delicious dinner, I get interrupted by a soggy mean fishman running in here and trying to take my table for dinner. If he had waited a few minutes I would've gladly given it up, I just wanted to finish my meal. But the inpatient idiot just had to have it now.

“I'm afraid there are no more tables.” Arlong and two of his crew members were walking down the stairs of the Baratie. They’re bodies are still wet and leaving water as they walk, which is just plain disrespectful. “I see a bunch of tables.” I couldn't help but roll my eyes, to think I would have a peaceful dinner, just hopeful dreaming. People started to whisper and get up from their tables but I stayed in my seat, intending to finish the nice meal served to me. Plus it's not as if they got far, Arlong was yelling at them as soon as he got to the middle of the staircase. “Sit down!” he yelled in his degrading, chalkboard scratching voice. I continued to cut my steak in pieces to eat, they over cooked it a bit but a fine job was done anyways. Seasoned almost perfectly. A little too much oregano, but I'm just too picky with my food. Arlong went around as if he owned the place. “No one leaves.”

He looked at me with malice in his smile. “Except you.” His webbed hand went to grab the collar of my shirt but I stopped it with my own, barely even looking back. “I only have a bite or two left, I'll give it up when I'm done.” I took another drink from my wine and let go of his hand, continuing on with my meal. I could tell it pissed him off from the way he growled close to my ear. A stupid amount of spit landing on my dinner plate and shoulder. I shivered in disgust and stood up from my table. “You know what- take it.” I grabbed my plate and wine and stood up, leaving the small round table for the fishmen to sit at. I felt bad not eating the steak so I got a to-go box from the reservations desk and put it in there to give to someone later. Deciding that maybe i'll get a nice drink from the bar instead.

I was a wine kind of gal so I got a nice glass of Merlot, it was tasty. Had lots of flavor, some of which I enjoyed and some I didn't. I was enjoying the peace. I always knew it wouldn't last long but god was i sad when it was over. “Which one of you is Arlong?” Oh shit. I knew his voice anywhere, the voice I was sent for by his grandfather, the voice of a new age. I got a refill on my wine, and bought the whole bottle while I was at it, due to the lingering feeling that this wasn't going to look pretty.

When I got back into the restaurant I decided to just rest a little under the staircase, hidden by the shadows hopefully. Seeing Luffy again made me nervous. Something about it..something about how he’d be even a little bit different. When I assessed the situation in front of me it confused me a bit. I could hear that Arlong was yelling from the bar but he's an idiot so I tuned it out and tried to enjoy the bit of ‘quiet’ I had. Arlong has an older gentleman by his shirt collar, while Luffy was halfway down the main staircase. He had two men behind him, one named Usopp the other Sanji. I heard about them both, one from a customer here and the other, from a bartender. “So this is the pirate I've heard so much about.” Arlong was starting to circle around some of the tables, pacing I guess. “You know, I was expecting someone… bigger.”

Sounds like my cue. I came out of the shady area setting the wine glass and bottle on the table and grabbing a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from a pocket in my shorts, picking the lucky one and placing it in my mouth delicately. “Tell me about it..I've had someone in my ear all day. ‘Find that dumbass.’ I have a headache at this point.” I laughed and leant on the chair. Luffy looks away from Arlong for a millisecond, to look at me but I don't think it registered in his brain. He couldn't have forgotten me. Luffy spoke, in his normal, nonchalant, Luffy way. “So was I.” I was puffing from my cigarette as I laughed. The snicker making smoke pour out of my nose. That got Luffy's attention. His head snapped to look at me, his eyes didn’t leave me, it looked like he was inspecting every part of my body. Probably looking for the one sign it was me. The small skull shaped scar just above my left knee. I wore shorts today just so he would see it.

His eyes were as wide as the plates they were using to serve that delicious soup I had for an appetizer. “ALIAS?!-” internally I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Externally, all I could do was smile. Luffy had a bright smile on his cheeks and I couldn't help but smile back. It was a smile I yearned for, for so long. I knew with even a bit of it, I was going to be addicted again.

I could see how excited luffy was that I was here (which made me VERY happy), but Arlong being himself did not like that attention wasn't on him for those few seconds so he cleared his throat obnoxiously. “Do you know who I am, boy?” Luffy's attention went to him but came right back when I spoke up. “Arlong the Saw.” There was a moment of silence, I taped the ash away from my cigarette into an empty glass off the table of people in front of me, and took another drag from it. “And just who are you-” - “I’m The Cheshire Cat.” I undid two of the buttons on my button up shirt with one hand, letting my collar fall back to show off the cat like scratches that laid on my collar bone (If those cats were lions that scratched almost all the way down my torso and arm). I did a stupid little bow. A few people reacted but I enjoyed the way Luffy looked so wowed. Arlongs eyes widened but they just went right back to a dumb smug smile. “You, Arlong, go for 20 million berrys.” I took another drag, exhaling calmly. “Which is impressive for the east blue but..Not so much other places.” He laughed from his chest, his friends going along with it. “What does the sell out have to say about it?” I sighed softly.

A part of me wished I was a sell out, instead of a kidnapped child forced to do the government's dirty work. The other part knew I would never do that, knew I would never betray my own crew like that. “Oh nothing honestly, I don't care about you.” I looked over to Luffy who still had a smile on his face. When we made eye contact he started to beam. I've only visited him once since I became a warlord, it makes me happy to see him so full of joy just from a moment of eye contact with me. “I'm here for him.” Luffy's hands started to shake, it was something small he always did around me. Blurted it out one day, said when I was excited sometimes I gave him a look, a glint in my eye that made him so happy his entire body shook. It was the sweetest thing he’d ever said to me. Arlong growled once again, leaving spit in someone's food. Those poor people.

He was circling the tables to get to me, circling around me slowly as if I was fish bait he was waiting to snap on. “Well I was here first.” I thought about correcting him, telling him that I was in fact here first. But Luffy interrupted the thought anyway. “How’d you find me anyway?” Luffy sounded completely confident in himself, Arlong just let out another horrid chuckle and made his way back to where he originally stood. “Old friend helped me track you down.” At first Luffy looked over to me, but I was drinking a sip of wine, just listening to what was happening in front of me. Arlong clicked his tongue and one of the other fish men grabbed the clown pirate's head out of a bag. “Heya, Straw hat. Did you miss me?” Luffy looked extremely confused, Sanji looked exhausted and Usopp looked terrified. “Burpy?” The name he called him almost made me spit out my wine from laughter (Which made Luffy happy, I could tell because he glanced at me. Even just for a second.) “What are you doing here?”

The fact that there was only a clown head confused and disturbed me, but I looked past it. “Believe me, it wasn't my first choice either.” He looked a bit nervous as he spoke. “But these fine fishy folk persuaded me to point them in the right direction, which ain't easy when you don't have any hands!” The joke made me raise my eyebrows and laugh a bit, it was funny i'll give him that. But Luffy still looked confused. “How’d you even know where to find me?” Suddenly the clown had the most serious expression I've ever seen him in. “I told you, I've got eyes and ears everywhere.” I noticed an ear start to climb out of the red band of Luffys hat. It was quite strange. The ear went back to the clown and popped right back in place, laughing. Luffy took the hat off his head inspecting it, while the two men behind him shared a look. “Stereo!” Luffy looked shocked. “You were listening all along? You heard everything?” The clown was quite happy. “Everything! and that old quick. 'Cause you shi-diots have no idea what you're doing.” The mashup word made me giggle a bit, it sounded so stupid, but it was kinda funny. (But luffy frowned a bit when he saw I laughed so i stopped as quick as i started).

The clown's head jumped towards the fishman with the huge lips. “Hey lips? How about a scratch behind the old ear, huh?” That made me roll my eyes, he was stupid enough to ask his captors that? The fishmen put him back in the bag. Buggy complaining about how sandy and wet it was.

“Listen here. I want my map.” It was so stupid. Watching them fight over the map to the entrance to the grand line, I understand why Luffy wanted it, but Arlong has a giant crew of thieves who could easily take it from another marine base. “Along with half of whatever you plunder as tribute.” Tribute? for getting a map, does he want tribute for his own existence now? “And if you bow down to me, I might even let you serve in my kingdom.” Stupid men. All of them were the same. Well not all, but most were extremely similar. “I don't bow down to any man.” Luffy stood tall, his head held up high as usual. That's my boy. “I'm no man.” Luffy continued. “Or fish.” That made Arlong growl and made me laugh. “And you’re no king.” There was a certain feeling in the air, the aggression that at any moment, one or the other would attack. Everyone was on high alert, my wine made that hard. It was just so delicate. Hard to enjoy in this environment but perfect in others.

“I will be, when I get my grand line map.” Luffy just smiled, which was a little bit attractive. “Then” He placed his hat back on his head. “You’re gonna have to fight me for it.” I take the attractive comment back, he's stupid. “Then let the fighting begin.” A bullet bounced off the fishmans skin. My hands almost drew closer to my own guns but instead I decided to pour another glass of wine. The old man that cooked my food was standing with a gun in his hand, the trigger pulled in his fingers clutches.

The thing about fishmen (I had learned the hard way) is that regular bullets don't affect them. I have very special bullets, made from some weird unmeltable ice, something about them coming from a town inside the grand line called drum town, from the deepest parts of frozen lakes. They're so sharp they even pierce fishman skin but don't go as deep as I would like.

Arlong turned to the old man, one of his crew members kicking him away and down before punching him into a pillar. Sanji called out his name and ran over, jumping on the table and kicking the fishman in the face. Which just pissed him off more. He got a few good kicks to the face and arms, even the legs but Luffy distracted him. “Really good fighter.” By the time he went to do a quite nice spinning kick to the face again, he caught his foot in his arm. I reached for both guns in my holsters, Checking that they had the correct bullets and shot multiple rounds from Alice, all of them making a trail up his arm and letting Sanji get away. The fishman looked back at me, anger and confusion in his eyes. “These bullets are made of ice, so sharp they even pierce fishman skin. I got them specially made.” There was a delicate smile on my lips, blowing the smoke out of my mouth and away from my guns. Normally i wouldn't touch these but i had a feeling about bringing them today, i'm glad i did. they may be expensive but Luffy was worth it anyways.

Everything was happening so quickly, Luffy's gum gum pistol, Arlong grabbing and pulling him closer. “Uh-” I could tell there was panic in his voice, but I couldn't tell if helping would really be helping at all. He was thrown at a pillar, landing on the floor with a thud. “Get up!” Arlong yelled, if i was him i would've stayed on the floor in spite, but he got up regardless. He kept stretching his arms three punches, one to each shoulder and one to the face. “Not bad for a human.”

I lifted my pistol to shoot Arlong but luffy put his hand up, his middle and ring finger were intertwined and the other three fingers touched. That was our sign when we were kids to stay out of it. It was our secret signal, not even Ace or Sabo or Dadan knew what it meant. I lowered my pistol, spinning it and putting it back in its holster. I grabbed the wine bottle taking a nice big gulp. Glad i’d gotten the entire bottle because this in fact, was not going to be pretty.

Part 2!!

[weenwrites]

Cooking A Meal: Part 2

Summary - You ask one of the cons to cook you a meal, but honestly it goes about as well as you'd expect. Characters - Megatron, Shockwave, Starscream, Soundwave, Dreadwing, Knockout, Breakdown, Airachnid, Predaking, Darksteel, Skylynx Content - Crack Category - Headcanons Trigger Warnings - None

✎ A/N: This is an un-revised shitpost, not something too serious.

[ Please do not repost, plagiarize, or use my writing for AI! Translating my work with proper credit is acceptable, but please ask first! ]

Megatron

Don't even bother having him try to cook you something, he can't cook at all. More often than not he'll just send some vehicon off to fetch you a meal, but when he's actually put in a kitchen and told to cook a meal, he'll probably serve you a plate of charred... Stuff.

It reeks and honestly you can't even tell what it used to be. The most he knows about cooking is that humans always heat up their food. He doesn't know how cooked a piece of meat or a slice of bread has to be, and despite knowing how useful patience is, he can't bring himself to wait a couple minutes for a slice of bread to turn golden brown.

Even with some instructions he doesn't understand a single word on that page. What does "fold in the cheese" even mean?! All in all, the food tastes awful, the presentation is awful, and it's not even a nice experience, he somewhat cleans his mess, but still, it's an awful experience. Even your local fast food restaurant would serve something better than what he could make you.

Shockwave

He wouldn't be too bad at cooking... However the meal he's served you is most likely made from some artificial substitute... It's not bad, per say, and it has a higher nutritional value than everything in your kitchen combined, but... He didn't stand in a kitchen to make it, he stood in a lab and fabricated it. That aside, it's plain and has a bit of a weird taste, the presentation sucks, and it's not naturally made, it was fabricated in a laboratory. It counts as science. Not cooking. So nevermind, he'd be bad at cooking.

But if he were to cook, he'd get into the technicalities of all, and spout food science facts at you. He'd tell you all about how proteins in meat force out moisture through coagulation, and that's how meat cooks. Or how amino acids and simple sugars are rearranged to change the color of meat as it cooks. Unless you know about food science yourself, all it may sound like some scientific garble to you. Whether you implore him to continue or not is all up to you.

But just because he knows about the chemical composition of a cracker doesn't mean he knows how to make things taste good. He chooses things based on their nutritional value, not their taste. Everything from meal portions, to seasonings, to even the temperature it was cooked at is all carefully measured to ensure that you're getting your healthy fill of nutrients. He doesn't even allow you to season it afterwards, because any more seasoning would disturb the healthy balance.

Still, while it may be nutritious, it certainly isn't delicious, but at least it's 100% edible and extremely healthy.

Starscream

He didn't know humans cooked their food, he thought they just ate it as is. So you'll have to explain a lot of stuff to him before either of you actually get anywhere. But once he gets the basics down, he'll be off to a rough, yet good start!

He's very particular about the way things are organized in a kitchen, and he'll get real annoyed if you moved something like a spatula or a spoon he was using. He's sorta set up this organization system in the kitchen that works specifically for him and no one else. While it may look like a mess on the outside, it works really well for him.

He'd never touch raw meat, even if it were to cook for you. He just hates the feeling, so you'd basically have no luck at getting him to scrub a chicken down with salt and seasoning unless you gave him a pair of gloves or a brush. But even if he's a bit squeamish, he's very thorough with his work, and very patient too. But he does complain about how long it takes for things to prepare things and then cook.

Might be a bit burnt here, and a bit bland over there, but if you pick some parts out and sprinkle some salt, pepper, spice, or hot sauce on it, it makes for a solid-ish meal! Which is pretty impressive, given the fact he once knew nothing about cooking a few hours ago.

Soundwave

They're actually a really good chef, better than everyone else, that's for sure. Soundwave knows where and how to learn what he needs to know, so it wouldn't take long for him to research and grasp the bare bones of cooking. And after a couple of tries, they could definitely whip you up a 5 star meal that tastes like something the best chef in the world would make.

It's almost scary how fast he learns, but hey at least you're getting like one of the best meals in the world using cheap ingredients from your fridge. Like who knew ketchup could taste so good in place of fancy marinara sauce!

And because of the amazing meal he made, it's without a doubt that he is the undisputed best chef aboard the Nemesis and everybody else's skills immediately pale in comparison. If it were a competition, it would've been over the moment they joined.

Dreadwing

Like almost everyone on this list, he has no idea what to do, and he has no idea what humans eat, so it ends up being a bit of a lecture before he actually starts cooking. It might take him a bit, and he'll stumble here and there, but he's always quick to ask good questions to ensure he has a solid grasp on what he needs to do.

He's quick to pick up anything you teach him, like about cutting vegetables, or seasoning meals, temperature, et cetera. And in a while, he's able to follow a recipe rather well, only occasionally coming to you to ask a question about what "folding" or "basting" or "al dente" means.

He'd serve you a pretty solid meal all in all. But on the off-chance that what he made for you had caused you to get sick, he'd immediately and sincerely apologize to you, and most likely never make you a meal ever again.

Knockout

He has some knowledge around human cooking thanks to the internet, and it helps the slightest bit, but for the most part he'll be bugging you with all his questions about human cuisine and cooking.

And all the while he's cooking, he'll ask you to fetch him things like that kitchen knife over there, or that measuring cup—no, not that one. That one was used for wet ingredients, he needs the other one that was used for dry ingredients, now chop chop. The clock's ticking. Or he'll holler at you to come and help hold the bowl as he scrapes the mixture into another pan.

Surprisingly, the kitchen actually remains rather nice and orderly throughout it all. He fills your sink with water and just leaves the dirty dishes in there to soak, and cleans messes the instant they're made, which greatly helps with clean-up afterward! But he won't touch the dishes. He just hates the feeling of scrubbing grimy food off, so you're on your own unless you give him a pair of gloves.

But as for the food itself? It's... Semi-decent! He may have burned it a little, or messed up one of the steps, but it still tastes good and it's still edible. He even decorates it nicely! He'd chop any vegetables into cute little shapes, and he has a good eye for presentation. So it's pretty nice.

Breakdown

He doesn't know anything about human cooking. He does question where the heck human food comes from though, and the most he knows is that humans consume other organisms, which he finds really weird. So in the beginning, the whole cooking session might be more of an educational session than anything, but only so he understands what humans can eat and what he should be doing.

He technically doesn't do any cooking since he just makes you things like instant noodles or instant mac n' cheese. But he'll need a bit of supervising because with the noodles, he'll put the seasoning packet in the water while the noodles are cooking, and then drain the noodles because he thought that the noodles would absorb the flavor (same goes for the mac n' cheese), but it turns out that the cheese water just goes down the drain. So it technically isn't completely his fault that the food may taste off (because instant food doesn't always taste that good...) but he does mess some of the steps up which contributes to that.

But with a little guidance here, and a little trial and error there, he'll actually be able to whip up something pretty decent using the instant stuff as a base! He'll add things like chopped up vegetables or spice for some flavor in some instant ramen, or cook the macaroni in milk and add some mustard for mac n' cheese, or perhaps crack an egg and add some garlic into some insta-soup.

All in all, it's a pretty solid meal for his first time cooking. But does it really technically count as cooking if he used an already pre-made thing to make it?

Airachnid

If she didn't care about you as much as she does, she would've fed you something poisonous if she didn't ignore your request first. She's... A questionable cook... To say the least, but one thing's for sure, all the meat she uses in her cooking is fresh. And I mean fresh as in "she dragged that animal into the kitchen and slaughtered it on the spot" kind of fresh, which is ideal if you're eating something that requires super fresh meat like oysters.

She doesn't burn the food, but she most likely under-cooks it. As for seasoning, well, she doesn't add any, so whatever you're eating will need a whole lot of salt, pepper, and spices either to taste like something, or to distract from the horrible taste the food already has.

But while the food may taste weird, the presentation's interesting. It's something of an art, made from something you don't even think you can call "food" anymore, but it's interesting to look at.

All in all, the food tastes horrible, the presentation's neat, and you're 100% guaranteed to get food poisoning if you scarf the entire meal down (which you won't, the stench is bad enough to kill even flies).

Predaking

He can't cook at all—actually, he doesn't even know what humans eat, so you'll have to explain to him quite a lot. Even then, he'll probably just bring you a dead animal and assume that's enough. You'll actually have to lecture him on cooking meat, preparing ingredients, and whatnot. So this whole thing turns into a cooking lesson as opposed to doing actual cooking.

He soaks all that knowledge up like a sponge, and with his newfound knowledge of cooking he's able to make something relatively decent for you, if not leaning more towards mediocre! The meal is something simple, probably from a cookbook you have at your house (or on the internet...)

All in all, while it's below average, it's probably above-par by your standards, given the fact you just taught him how to cook a hot second ago. The presentation is simple, the food actually tastes good, so all in all it's a pretty average meal.

Darksteel

Surprise, surprise! He is the worst cook out of them all. And here you might have thought that Predaking or Airachnid would've been the worst, but nope. It's him. He'd most likely burn your kitchen down, if not trash everything you have, and waste everything you have in your fridge. The best he does is bring you a dead animal that he "cooked" by spewing fire at it. Then again it's most likely either overcooked or undercooked and would definitely give you trichinellosis, E. coli, BSE, salmonella, or whatever other horrible disease you risk contracting by eating what he's served you.

But what about vegetables? He doesn't even know what a vegetable is, and unless you give him a really thorough description of what counts as a vegetable or not, he'd most likely just uproot a tree or pluck a bush out from the ground and give it to you, mildly scorched, because he remembered that you have to cook it.

If you were to ask him about presentation, he'd probably pose the scorched cattle or chicken he got his claws on, set the crisp "vegetables" upright, and think that's good enough "presentation".

Bottom line? Do not eat anything he gives you, it'll absolutely destroy your stomach.

Skylynx

Yeah he doesn't want to. He'd hate cooking so much because everything takes so long to do! He's sensible enough to do some research and learn, or ask you questions for clarification, but waiting for water to boil just drives him crazy.

He tries to work diligently and be patient, but you might catch him cutting corners a little bit. How so? Well, he'd raise the temperature of the stove to get something to cook faster, or if he needs to carefully ground something into a poultice, he'll just smush it into paste. If you're having something simple like mashed potatoes, then he has absolutely no problem preparing that.

He doesn't pay much attention to how it looks, so while the food he serves looks unappetizing as he straight up slaps it onto your plate, it actually tastes pretty decent... Ish... Decent-ish. Sure your food may have come out a bit burnt, or you might find some weird chunks in it, but it's better than what Darksteel has to offer, that's for sure.

[apolloendymion]

ok! i think tumblr ate my fucking apple cider recipe post. still, my autumn equinox tradition must carry on!

Apollo's Foolproof From-Scratch Apple Cider That Was So Good It Allegedly Landed Me A Boyfriend

you will need:

12 apples (the variety is up to you, i usually do half granny smith and half whatever's on sale plus a red delicious for garnishing)

10oz raisins

cinnamon sticks, whole cloves, star anise, nutmeg, allspice, cardamom pods, any other warming spices u like (whole > ground) (follow ur heart on the amounts, it's like garlic just throw so much in there. just go wild)

1 orange

brown sugar (i don't have measurements but be prepared to use a LOT lmao, i always buy at least one 32oz bag. you'll be sweetening to taste.)

large pot with lid

potato masher (optional)

two large bowls/pots/receptacles to strain the cider into

fine mesh strainer

cheesecloth or coffee filters (optional)

apple corer or knife

citrus zester

slotted spoon or ladle

the steps:

1. scrub apples gently under hot water to remove grocery store wax coating. core apples making sure all seeds & stems are removed. add apples, raisins, and mulling spices to pot with enough water to fully cover ingredients, and bring to boil. reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 1 hour.

2. scrub orange to remove wax. zest and juice, avoiding the pith & seeds. use a potato masher or other utensil to lightly mash boiled apple mixture so every apple slice is at least partially broken up, then add the zest & juice to the pot. bring back to boil, reduce heat, cover, and simmer for another hour. then turn off the heat and allow mixture to cool.

3. place two mesh strainers over two bowls or pots (and cover each with a cheesecloth or coffee filters, if you have them). with a slotted spoon or ladle, remove as much of the solids from the pot as you can and place them in one strainer (the larger one, if they are different sizes) to drain, then press out as much liquid into the cheesecloth as possible.

4. pour the cider from the simmer pot into the second cheesecloth and press. combine the liquid from both bowls.

5. add brown sugar to taste

cooking tips:

the times listed above are bare minimums. once all the ingredients are in the pot (minus sugar!) you can simmer as long as you want, so long as someone's nearby to supervise.

always add any sweeteners after the cooking process. otherwise, they'll burn and make the whole thing bitter.

if it's too acidic, add baking soda or more spices. if it's not acidic enough, add lemon juice, additional orange juice, or apple cider vinegar.

variations:

add 12oz fresh cranberries to the first step

sub oranges for lemons or apple cider vinegar

sub brown sugar for straight molasses, maple syrup, or alternative sweetener of your choice (I'd imagine fig or other fruit-based sweeteners would work best)

report back to me if you try something new!! i want to hear how it turned out!

serving suggestions:

add three or four cinnamon imperials (red hots) to your mug, along with a dash of fireball whiskey if you're so inclined. i cannot stress enough how fucking amazing this tastes.

garnish with apple slices, orange slices, cinnamon sticks, and/or star anise

if you have dairy-free ice cream on hand, pour some cider over a scoop. you can use dairy ice cream, but it's more likely to curdle.

freeze some in an ice cube tray, then blend with some non-frozen cider for a slushie

ok I've never tried this, but i bet blending with pumpkin puree would slap. PLEASE tell me if you try it

this makes a metric fuckload of cider, which is very rich and can be watered down considerably (seriously). share with your friends and/or freeze some to last the season (or halve it, i guess, but that's no fun :P)

[carcarcraziiv2]

The Woman with the Pink Hair (P. 1, 2, 3)

Hello my friends! I bring to you The Woman with the Pink Hair! This is a Vi x Fem! Reader fanfiction.

I will post this gradually, maybe once or twice a week until it is fully out! (If you are impatient, you can view it on my Wattpad-> @DatBishCar)

Please note that this is the first piece I wrote after a HEFTY (I mean years long) hiatus from writing.

P.S. Lowkey I KNOW there's a bunch of shit I could fix in here to make it better due to my practice over the past year or so, but I just... I'm so lazy rn LOL. Anyhoooooo....

ALSO- here are the TW for you lovelies! (This is for the WHOLE SERIES)-

Violence, mental illness, oral sex, dominant tendencies, torture, kidnapping, plotting?... lowkey there's probably more but you should get the gist here, AS ALWAYS ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK ILY<3

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART ONE: INTRODUCTIONS-

Staring at the wall. You often found yourself staring at the wall while you were bored, zoning out thinking about things. How lonely your life had gotten, while at the same time it is better than it has been in a while. You had your freedoms to go do what you wanted - walk, paint, draw, listen to music. As you did those things you constantly seeked inspiration from the little bits and pieces that showed themselves to you in every crack and crevice. 

    You enjoyed finding the positives in things that didn't always seem positive. Hell, you were living in an old shack you rented from a grungy man who you weren't sure even actually owned the place. He did, however, have the keys.

    Deciding you needed some fresh air, as fresh as it can be in the undercity, you gather yourself to head out for a stroll through the dark streets and into the markets and shops. You enjoyed people watching, perhaps you would run into someone interesting. You grabbed your jacket, a purple and black lots of pockets kind of deal, and your beanie and put them on. Your medium length hair was in a bun on the lower part of your head, and you had pieces of hair flowing down in front of your face on either side. You liked the wispy look of it.

    You quickly found yourself in the center of the town after a few turns and blocks that you had memorized by heart. The place was always semi crowded. People doing grungy things, illegal things - but in your eyes, you saw beauty. You saw people smiling, laughing with their friends. Even as there were people who looked at you with an evil glint in their eye as you walked past, you were not afraid. You knew this place like the back of your hand, you grew up here after all. 

    After reaching one of your favorite places to eat, you walked to the counter and ordered some soup. Honestly, there was no telling what ingredients were in it but you trusted the chef as they always made delicious things. A few minutes pass, and you grabbed your brown, watery looking stew and headed over to a table nearby. There was no one sitting there, and the furniture was mostly clean unlike some of the surrounding options which were covered in trash, dirt and spilled food. As you sat, you looked over to the large red headed woman who cooked and served the food.

    "Thank you!"

    "You're welcome, honey," she replied with a warm smile. She was kind of like family to you, since you didn't really have any of your own. In fact, a lot of the shopkeepers and people who constanted the area were as such. You rarely saw people you didn't know or hadn't at least met once. 

    The soup was warm, salty, and amazing as usual. You finished every last bite and took the common decency to return the silverware and bowl to the counter, rather than having them come grab it from the table. You liked helping them out whenever you could, as they would do the same for you. Turning around, you looked about. Still seeking inspiration, you were torn as to whether or not to just go home. You did have to work in the morning but were unsure as to how much you actually cared about getting rest beforehand. Scanning your surroundings from right to left, you looked at all the people, until you saw someone unfamiliar leaning against a wall, hood down, with bits of pink hair peeking out from beneath it. 

   You were intrigued.

   Gazing at the person standing there, your creative curiosity and interest peaked. You wanted to know what they looked like, and luckily right as the thought crossed your mind someone approached the woman, and she took her hood down.

   She looked tired, worn, beaten and bruised. Your heart hurt thinking about anyone going through the things that would result in looking such a way. Behind all of that surface area, you saw beautiful features, however, and felt your heart race a little bit as the woman scanned the area while chatting. You were nervous she would catch you staring, so you pretended to look down quickly.

   The woman was becoming more agitated speaking with the person in front of her, and suddenly pushed them away. She started walking quickly away from you.

    Oh no... you thought. You did not want to lose this person, as creepy as that sounds. You decided to follow them only for a few minutes. Sometimes strangers led you to streets and places you would have never gone to yourself. You weren't only following her to be creepy. 

   You jumped up and started walking in the same direction as the woman. She was fast, so you had to speed walk a little bit. You took a few turns and short stops, all at places you had been before and studied before. Although you were interested in her, you decided that you would turn around and head home. 

    Right before you turned heel, the woman turned down a narrow dark alleyway. Ok... you thought. Now what is she doing? You waited a few moments before turning, too. You didn't want her to see you and recognize you. She looked like she might get a little angry about that. 

    Very quickly, you realized you had made a mistake. Three large men appeared from the shadows in front of the woman. And she stopped, looked up to the sky, and sighed loudly. You took the opportunity to hide behind a stack of boxes that were next to a dumpster on the left side of the alleyway. You peeked out from behind them and watched the confrontation ensue.

    "What do you need, boys?" The woman said, stepping over to lean on the wall next to her, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

    "We saw a pretty girl like you, and decided we needed to have you. What'ya say, sweets?" One man said. His voice was gravely, low, and you swore you could smell him from where you were. The other two men were sneering behind him, adjusting their waste bands. 

    The woman laughed. And she laughed loudly. Your eyes widened at the sound, it was like a sweet music, even in this scenario.

   "You don't know what you're about to do, dirtbag," the woman said while laughing. The man's expression quickly changed to one of anger, and he started approaching her. "I wouldn't do that, if I were you," She warned. The man laughed slightly and kept approaching, to which the woman responded-

    "Idiot".

 ---- Vi's POV ----

    Vi sneered at the man coming at her. She had a rush of adrenaline from the argument she had with the junky at the markets earlier already and needed to get rid of the urges she had to punch something. She decided these guys would do the trick.

    As the man approached, Vi took the cigarette out of her mouth and flicked it at him. He jerked back. Really? Afraid to get burned? That should be the least of your worries. As he jerked back, she grabbed him by the front of his coat and head butted him, wasting no time while he was in shock to bring her right fist up and slam it into his face.

    "By the way, the name is Vi."

    The other two men started to approach her, and she gave them a look that said "really?". They came to her from opposite sides, and she easily grabbed both of their backs, took a step backward and slammed their heads into each other. The men both collapsed to the ground rubbing their heads and yelling at one another. 

    The first man was starting to get up off the ground, but this time he looked afraid. Vi gave him a look that made him tremble and told him "Get the fuck out of here. You and these two dumbasses. I don't want to see you causing trouble to anyone again. Got it?" They hesitated, "I said get the FUCK out of here!" She yelled this time. The men got up and ran away like little children. Pathetic. 

    Vi turned around and saw someone staring at her from behind a dumpster. It was that girl from the market, the one that caught her eye. She had noticed her following her but didn't think she still was at this point. Vi grew angry, her adrenaline still running high through her veins.

 ---- Your POV ---- 

    As the fight finished up, you were holey prepared to turn tail and book it out of here. You decided you were following someone really dangerous and became scared. That is right about the moment when the woman turned around and looked right at you, rage in her eyes.

    You stumbled backwards, turning and trying to run away. "Fuck" you muttered as you slipped immediately after trying to start running. You looked backward for a brief moment as you stood, and realized she was right behind you. The woman shoved you roughly into the wall behind you. Her hand on your neck.

    "WHO are you? WHY are you following me? WHO are you working for?" The woman yelled in your face. Although you were afraid, short of breath and absolutely dreading what was to come you were enamored by her beauty. "Hello?!" She broke you out of your trance, "I asked you a question!"

    "N- n- no one! I'm not working for anyone" you stammered, your voice weak from the vice like grip she had on your neck.

    "Liar," she said calmly, her grip tightening ever so slightly on your neck. You felt pressure in your cheeks and above your eyes, and you became truly afraid that you may die. 

   "I- I'm no- not lying," you struggled to say. "I just tho- thought you looked go- good so I followed you to get inspi- inspiration for my art."

    Her grip loosened ever so slightly. You sensed she could tell you were afraid. Maybe she could tell you were not lying, but you were unsure. You really couldn't trust strangers down here. She shoved her finger in your face, and bit her teeth together. Through this, she said -

    "Don't fucking follow me again. That is creepy as hell." She released you and you fell to the ground, rubbing your neck. 

    "I- I won't!" you promised, looking up. But realization quickly hit that she was already gone, as you saw her walking the rest of the alleyway past where she beat those men, with her hood up and hands in her pockets.

    You took the opportunity, got up, and ran your ass all the way home. You heart was beating very quickly, and you were still terrified. Hyper aware of everything around you. The wind making the tendrils of your hair fly next to your face as you ran.

 Finally, you got home and got inside, collapsing on the ground from exhaustion.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART TWO: Ubiquity

  The next few weeks, you continued on with your life. Going on walks, working, eating, and drawing. Drawing someone who you could not get out of your head. The woman with the pink hair. After your encounter, you swore you saw her everywhere. Places you had never seen her before. 

    One day, she was at the market getting food from your favorite place. She looked like she liked the woman who had previously given you your soup. She was smiling, and you noticed her put down a gracious tip onto the counter before collecting her food. You stayed very far back before cowering and going back home. 

    Another day, she came into your work. You didn't think she was looking for anything in particular, she was just browsing, probably bored. You watched from the back-room door as she fumbled with some of the little figurines you had placed out and watched her put them back down as if they were so fragile, she might break them by breathing on them.

    On this particular day, you headed to work. You were tired and worn out from the last weeks' worth of work already but still had today before you finally got a day off. You worked in a small nick-nack shop that a lot of people who created gadgets frequented. You decided to stop and grab some coffee at the warn down coffee stand out front of the shop you worked. The stand was musty, creaky, and downright shouldn't even exist anymore. But what are you to do when you are so limited to recourses as you are down here?

    "Hi, can I have a coffee, something sweet?" You smiled at the barista. They did not smile back.

    "2 dollars." They stated. They were tall, skinny and looked as if they were addicted to... something. You handed them the money and they gave you your coffee, immediately turning away to attend to the next customer. You started taking a sip, it was bitter, and you let out a hiss. Slowly turning to your left, you jumped and let out a little yelp.

    It was the woman. She was standing beside you against the wall, staring at you as if she was pondering something. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and she took a drag off her cigarette. 

    "You still following me?" She smirked. Your eyes widened and you felt your heart beating a thousand beats per minute. She was wearing the same getup. A red jacket that looked warn. Her tired look was no longer, but she did look wary and had a few scratches, including one on her lips.

   Her beautiful pink lips. 

   "Hey, my eyes are up here," she snorted. You gasped.

   "Oh, shit. Sorry... No, I am not following you. Trust me I don't want to get strangled again." You said way too quickly. A few people glanced over at the two of you, and you lowered your head. You could feel your cheeks becoming red.

   "Then why are you everywhere I go? I have seen you at least 3 places besides the first time we encountered one another. Who are you?"

    "Well like I said, I am not following you," you stated. You felt a little frustrated that it wasn't getting through her head. "And I don't appreciate you accusing me of such!"

   She laughed. That same beautiful laugh she had right before she beat the shit out of three huge men.

    "It wouldn't be the first time, weirdo. Now, I am not going to hurt you again. Trust me. I was in a fit of rage and... yeah. Just can you trust me on that?" She looked genuine. You felt yourself loosen up a bit. "What is your name? I'm Vi," she reached her hand out towards you.

    "I'm (y/n). And I guess I can," you stated hesitantly. You reached your hand out and grasped hers. It was calloused and hard against your soft one.

    "So, you're really an artist?" She asked, sitting down on a bench across the walkway. You followed, and sat next to her, looking at your wristwatch. You had about 30 minutes until you had to go in to work behind the coffee shop.

    "Um... yes. It's a hobby," you said shyly. You brushed a loose piece of hair back behind your ear and looked over at her. "And you're a street fighter?" You said raising your eyebrow.

   She laughed again. You couldn't help but smile too.

   "Well, technically, I guess you could call it that. I really only fight when I have to, or if I am in the mood to do so. I am the kind of person who just goes with the flow, I guess. I have no real goal right now...". You noticed that she was becoming saddened, but not enough to fully show it through her tough face. She stretched her legs out and laid back against the back of the bench and looked up at the sky. You noticed a few features you hadn't previously. She had a tattoo on her cheek that read VI and a gear tattoo on the side of her neck. She had scars, a lot of them. You wondered where she got them but put the pieces together and assumed they were probably from fights.

    "Do you fight a lot?" You blurted out, unsure if the question would offend, anger or sadden her. She looked at you dead in the eyes with her sky-blue ones, serious as can be.

    "Yes."

    She was so mysterious. You wondered about her life, her story. You wanted to know more about her but there was still and underlying fear and feeling of uneasiness around her simply because of how the two of you first interacted. You rubbed your neck as you remembered the happening. 

    "I am sorry for what I did to you before. It was out of line. I shouldn't have assumed you were some person who was hired to go after me." Vi reached up and put her hand on your shoulder for a split second. You felt yourself get warm all over and blushed.

    "Um, I guess it's okay?" You shrugged. You weren't actually okay with it, but you didn't want it to be the reason why you two wouldn't talk again. You wanted to talk to her again, so you gathered yourself and in a brief confidence asked, "Do you want to hangout sometime? Like we can get coffee or food or something?"

    She looked taken aback, and you immediately began trying to remedy the situation. You were embarrassed. "I- I'm sorry it's okay if you don't want to I totally under-"

    "(y/n), Its okay. I would like that." She stopped you and stated. You smiled coyly and looked down at your coffee, then back up at her.

    "Okay, cool. Meet me here tomorrow, same time?" You got up. "I have to go to work, actually. Like right there. I am a few minutes late..." You couldn't believe that 35 minutes had already passed by and knew the boss man was not going to be happy that you were late. You said your goodbyes and headed into the shop. 

    You were right, the man was not happy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART THREE: Awkward Encounters

 You and Vi had plans to meet the next day. On one hand you were giddy with excitement. On the other, you were nervous. Very nervous. You weren't entirely sure you could trust the temperament of this woman. As you laid in bed, you had thoughts of what the day ahead would look like. What kind of interest did Vi have with you? You were certain you had interest in her, but you didn't know what kind of interest it was. You imagined the two of you in different scenarios, such as friendship, or as lovers. Friendship seemed amazing, but lovers felt even better. You smiled at yourself and rolled over. Either way, you decided you were going to have a good time.

--THE NEXT DAY--

    Waking up energized, you decided since it was your day off, you would try to do as much as possible. If Vi was up to it, perhaps she could tag along. You got up in the morning from your bed and comfortable plaid duvet to go shower. In the shower, you washed your hair as well as wash and shaved your body. The water was warm as it caressed your figure. You imagined it was Vi.

    What am I thinking? You contemplated. You two had only just met and it was a strange encounter to say the least. You shook your head in dismay, blushing at the thoughts you were dismissing. You hopped out of the shower and grabbed one of the towels right outside the curtain. You always laid the towel on the toilet seat so it would be easier to get to. Stepping out of the shower, you stood in front of the mirror above the sink. You were a tidy person, but today it was a little bit messy in there.

    Taking a small hand towel, you swiped the glass on the mirror so you could see your reflection. Although you looked tired, you still felt energetic. You were too giddy to feel tired. You decided today you were going to put on a little bit of makeup, just mascara and eyeshadow. Walking out of your bathroom and back into your room, the towel draped across your midriff, you looked in the closet to pick out an outfit. 

   Deciding on black jeans, a baggy brown knit sweater, and your warn old brown boots you tossed them on. The sweater was warm, which was perfect for this time of year in the Undercity. You got everything on, tossed on a few rings on your fingers, and headed to the door. beside the door was a coat rack, which you grabbed your oversized black leather jacket off of and threw on. You smiled as you walked outside and took a deep breath of air.

    Your heart was racing, but this time it was from excitement. Never had you thought you would be so brave as to ask someone you had just met (who admittedly had almost killed you) to hangout. You rolled your eyes at yourself and dismissed the thoughts from coming back. You refused to let that ruin your day or come back up ever again. 

    You made your way down the street and your usual route to the coffee shop in front of your work. As you approached, you had hoped Vi would be there early, but she was nowhere to be seen. It was 5 minutes before your set meeting time, but you were not worried. You ordered yourself and Vi a coffee at the stand and sat at the bench you both had your first meaningful conversation at. Taking a sip, you looked around and took in the area, hoping to remember every last detail that you may not have already memorized. 

    You looked down at your watch and realized time had already passed. 10 minutes, actually. You were getting worried that she wouldn't show up. After another 5 minutes, you decided to get up and walk into the shop you were employed at. The shop keep looked confused why you were there, but you said-

    "Don't worry, I am just visiting. I rarely get to come in here as a customer."

    "Oh, okay." he smiled slightly. He seemed to be in a better mood, but then you bumped into a shelf beside you. You jerked yourself to the right to correct it and ensure nothing fell off. "Just don't break anything," he sighed, rolling his eyes. He was a big man, not fat but muscular. He seemed like he could handle himself in a bar fight if he had to.

    "I promise I will not break anything," you laughed slightly. You turned your back to the man and back towards the window out front, and you saw her.

    She was beautiful, sitting there on the bench on the same side she had last. Her fingers were tapping the back of it and she was looking around nervously. You decided to set down the figurine you had in your hand and rushed outside. You were relieved she actually came.

    "Vi!" you smiled, rushing over to her. She smiled back and began to stand, when you felt someone run into you, knocking you to the ground. You were shaken, and looked up towards the direction the person was going. "S-Sorry!" you hollered to the person, but they kept going.

    "Watch it, Asshole!" Vi yelled in their direction, coming over to you to help you get up. Luckily, you had already gotten rid of the coffees as they had gotten cold. You stood and brushed yourself off, thanking the world silently for the ground not being wet today. Sighing, you turned to Vi and embraced her in a hug.

   "I am so glad you made it," you smiled, releasing her. She had not returned the embrace, but you were okay with that. Not everyone is a hugger and she appeared shocked.

    "Oh, uh yeah. Sorry about that. I had some things I had to take care of," she muttered, appearing to blush and took her hand through her hair. As she did this, you couldn't help but watch the muscles in her arm flex, as she was only wearing a t-shirt. She cleared her throat, and your eyes darted back over to her face. 

    "So, um, are you hungry?" you quickly changed the subject. She nodded, and you started walking. She followed.

    The two of you walked side by side for quite some ways and decided amongst yourselves to go to one of Vi's favorite places. You had never been there before, but you had walked by it many times. You were in awe at the fact that you had not ever seen Vi before. You walked inside the establishment with her. It was large and smelled of drink. You noticed a decrepit old bar towards the back, and wooden tables all around. There were a few people in there, but not many. Vi walked to the back and sat at the bar. Sighing, as she looked around.

    "You know," she started, "My dad used to own this place. He died trying to protect my family." A pained expression crossed her face. You frowned.

    "Oh, I am so sorry..." you weren't the best at comforting people and looked down at your hands. Luckily, Vi decided she wanted to change the subject and called the bartender over, ordering you both a drink. You didn't normally drink, but today you were willing to allow it. After all, you did decide you wanted to have fun.

    After a few rounds, you both and really let loose a lot. You were laughing with each other and had gotten to know more about each other's lives and interests. 

    "...And then!" Vi laughed as she was finishing her story, "He fell on his ass into the puddle, right beside us!" You grimaced and laughed with her. She had just told you about a fight she had gotten into. It seemed to be a lot of the talking points she had, but you didn't mind. Actually, it impressed you how confident she was in herself. 

    In your tipsy state, you leaned forward, putting your hand on her thigh to keep your balance. She looked down at your hand, and back up at you.

    "I am sorry for following you," you slurred. "I thought you were so beautiful... I wanted to see what you were about..." blushing, you turned away, but your hand still laid on her thigh. You felt a warmth over your hand and looked back over. Vi had placed hers there, on top of yours. Butterflies fluttered throughout your stomach.

    "(Y/N), it's okay. Really." The two of you had gotten closer, without even realizing it. "To be honest, I saw you at the market before I even started walking. You were looking down at your hands, but I could tell you were pretty. I almost came over to you, but I chickened out."

    Your eyes widened, and you blushed profusely. You leaned towards her slightly. You weren't even sure she was interested in women, but you didn't care. You were really really hoping she was. Suddenly, Vi removed her hand from on top of yours, and lightly placed it on the back of your neck. She looked you in the eyes, and you tilted your head ever so slightly looking back into hers. She leaned in, pulling you closer gently, and pressed her lips against yours. You leaned into the kiss and melted. Her lips felt like heaven against yours. They were soft, supple, and warm. 

   As she pulled away, you felt your hand absent-mindedly reach up and caress your mouth. You were blushing even harder than before and looked at her. She was smiling a huge face splitting smile. She looked proud.

    "Wow," she stated.

    "Wow," you repeated back. 

    "Bet ya weren't expecting that, were you?"

    "No, but I liked it. Did... did you?" you asked nervously.

    "I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to." She giggled. You smiled and turned back towards the bar, twirling your finger around the straw in the glass. You wanted another, and so did she. You knew because soon there were two new drinks in front of you both. 

    You looked over at Vi. She was just finishing a sip of her drink and looked over at you as she set it down. 

     "Do you want to come to my house tomorrow and see some of my art? I already saw you fight, so I figured it would be fair if I showed you some of the things I have done," you asked sheepishly. She smiled, but this time it was sly. Like someone looking at something they wanted to eat, to devour. 

    "Absolutely."

    The two of you finished your drinks. The day was nearly over, and you hadn't done any of the things that you had planned. You were okay with it. In fact, you wouldn't trade how this day went for anything. Before leaving the establishment, Vi offered to walk you home. You had a feeling she wanted to keep you safe, and you appreciated it even though were not afraid. This also made it easier for her to find your home the next day, so she could come look at your art.

    You continued talking to one another as you walked back to your house. She had her hands in her pockets, and you had yours in your own. The streets were dark and there were hardly any people out, as most of the shops had closed. 

    Approaching the old shack of a house you called home, Vi let out a whistle and turned to you.

    "Quite the place you got here, huh?" She grinned, teasing you.

    "Hey, its home to me alright? Can only do so much down here." You reached up and lightly smacked her arm. Before you could lower your hand, she grabbed your wrist and pulled you close to her. So close, both of you were touching bodies. Vi was taller than you, and looked down at you slightly, as you looked up at her. She smiled and planted another kiss on you. This one more passionate, inviting. You could feel her warmth enveloping you as her arms held you. 

    Releasing from the kiss, you tried to stammer out a goodbye, but Vi had already started walking away. 

     "See you tomorrow, sweet stuff!" She said, waving as she walked backwards. She had a huge grin on her face.

    "O-Okay! See you tomorrow!" You smiled back. You turned around and got inside, shut the door and leaned against it. You did a little happy dance in your spot. 

    Wow... you thought. That was amazing. 

PLEASE LIKE AND COMMENT IF YOU ENJOY :D Drop a follow if you wanna stay updated on these! There are TEN more parts in the series! Oml...... lol <3 I hope you enjoyed so far!

[da-shrimping-station]

Cooking for the House of Lamentation

Let me start this post by saying that over the years I've had plenty of experience cooking for a lot of people. I'm no expert cook whatsoever, just a helping hand in the kitchen during festivals and occasions (which happens multiple times in a year). If you have more experience and insights, please feel free to share!

Let’s start this off by having some sort of baseline so we’re all on the same page.

MC /OC/you/us/we (and what have you) can:

follow a recipe well enough

be in the kitchen and not have it burn down

cook an edible meal at the end of it all

A fairly average cook if you will.

Now, time for chaos.

Cooking for a lot of people is…a lot. A feast for upwards of 10 people can take the whole day. Not to mention buying ingredients beforehand. How many dishes are you gonna cook? Do they go well/compliment each other? What’s the serving size? Are you gonna have desserts too? Do you have the right equipment? Are the ingredients available/accessible? Is there anyone who has a food-specific condition to look out for and make alternatives for? Are there ingredients that need to be marinated/prepped in advanced? Is everything within budget? (These are some questions at the top of my head)

Now the main concern here is volume/quantity. Beelzebub. Need I say more?

Actually, YES. It’s a house full of men. Men eat a lot. Oh, and they’re also demons. So let’s assume they eat/consume significantly more than humans. (You can pitch in your HCs for each brother regarding how much they eat) But let’s say the food has to be for 10-15 people at the very least.

GROCERY RUN!

There’s a whole ass booklet for the groceries, with each brother having their own page/section. Let’s assume there’s no budget constraints (Lucifer can bitch about the cost and budgeting but his brothers need to be fed). Groceries are bought in bulk. Multiple times a week. Emergency trips in the middle of the night or else they starve for breakfast. 

At some point they get their groceries delivered every 3 days or so. The runs are now for necessity/emergency.

But if a brother requests a certain dish, then it’s time to go to the market. Prepare your haggling skills.

THE BATTLEFIELD

Based off of the game (and referencing the floor plan from Wanderer’s Whereabouts), the kitchen is actually pretty spacious. Good. We need all the space we can get for this. I’d like to think Barbatos personally made sure the kitchen is fully kitted out with all the equipment and utensils one needs. (Thanks, Barbs. You’re the best!) No worries on that end.

I headcanon that the kitchen is split into 2 parts: the side where the stoves and appliances are and the side where the dirty kitchen is. That way you have access to stoves/ovens and the fancy appliances as well as being able to cook with coal or in a spit. Increases the capacity for cooking multiple dishes at once. (Please share your HCs for the kitchen!)

PREP TIME

Prepare your hands and arms. Washing, peeling, chopping, dicing, slicing, marinating. Any and every sort of ingredient prep. How many ingredients does this dish have? Are you gonna prep one dish only? Are you gonna prep for two in advance? Mis en place (or whatever the term is im no culinary shrimp)

Also think about the sheer amount of ingredients.

Say, according to the cookbook, this dish serves 5 people and it needs 1 whole onion. Pretty straight forward right? But you’re cooking for 7 demon brothers and one being the Avatar of Gluttony. Let’s go back to the 10-15 people approximation. That means you have to increase the amount (in this case that’ll be 2 or 3 whole onions). That goes for every fucking dish. 3 onions for dish #1. What about dish #2 and #3 and so on? (Honestly, your hands must be well marinated by the time you’re done with all the prep)

Measuring the ingredients too. 1 cup of this, a tablespoon of that, a pinch of this. Please please please let there be enough soy sauce for tonight’s cooking.

Another thing: you’re probably dealing with local Devildom ingredients (which you did not even know existed until then)

Veggies? Sliced

Meats? Washed and cut.

Condiments and seasonings? All measured.

Are we ready to cook? NO.

Please clean up the peels, excesses, undesirables, and packaging.

GET THE FIRE GOING

Finally! The actual cooking part! Take a deep breath and put that pot on the stove. Good luck cuz you’re gonna be juggling between multiple dishes just to be able to get ready for dinnertime.

One dish is boiling so the meat softens? Time to fry. Oh and have you checked the one you were marinating? Please add that to the veggies in dish #2. Don’t overcook the pasta for dish #1! Please adjust the heat, that pot is boiling over. Taste test for dish #3. Hhm needs more salt. Is the meat soft enough? Good, let's season it. Please mind the fire! You’re gonna char the one you’re frying. This one has marinated long enough, we can add it to dish #2. Take dish #1 off the heat. I think it’s done. Do you think this is fried well enough?

It’s hectic. It’s a mess and a half. You make sure nothing is overcooked or undercooked. Taste test to make sure everything tastes fine. (are the dishes safe for human consumption tho)

ALL DONE!(?)

You wish! Now you have to deal with the clean up!

Wash everything you used for cooking. Pots, pans, knives, measuring cups and spoons, plates and bowls you put the ingredients in, the tasting spoons you used, the ladles and spatulas, etc

Please clean the stoves, sinks, countertops/tabletops too.

Oh yea, put away the excess ingredients and return the condiments and seasonings.

You still there? Still got energy to study and do homework later?

Personally, i clean as i go whenever i have the time in between tending to the dishes. I hate hate hate a messy/dirty kitchen while i cook it makes me wanna rage

DINNERTIME

These fuckers better sit down and eat what you cooked. No. Who the fuck cares if someone is being rowdy or moody or being dramatic. NO ONE wastes your efforts in preparing the food. Sit down and EAT.

I mean alright, maybe you can tag team dinner prep but it’s still a lot in terms of quantity and sheer volume. Will that brother be of actual help in the kitchen?

To sum it all up,

May the Universe have mercy on MC when they’re on cooking duty.

[matchalovertrait]

Dulce was eliminated from the competition. Is this the end of the road for her?

Previous / Next (Transcript under the cut)

(1.) [Sofia] Good thing everyone is okay!

[Mia] Chefs, you guys have 5 minutes left on the clock! Please start plating soon.

(2.) [Alex] When I finished plating, I took a look at my dish and thought about it. I was not really happy with it. Is it missing something?

(3.) [Dulce] I did a taste test when the 5-minute mark hit... but some of the vegetables weren't cooked all the way. I didn't even try the goat yet. There was no time. I put the lid back on and hoped for the best.

(4.) [Andrea] 1 minute left!

[Rubiya] Oh no... I forgot the lemon juice in the jicama dip. I don't think I saw any in the fridge? Maybe I can cut up the limes instead and put them on the side? I see some at the pantry over there.

(5.) [Andrea] Chefs, your time is up. Please come to the judges' table.

(6.) N/A

(7.) [Mia] Chefs, you all look rather down. You don't seem as optimistic as you did in the last round. What's on your mind?

(8.) [Rubiya] Haha, I guess we all had some sort of hiccup.

[Dulce] Sorta, aha.

[Alex] Mhm.

(9.) [Sofia] We've all been there, guys. Even me! Before I made it big, a lot of people didn't believe in me. I know we have to judge your food, but just remember that we all believe in you guys. That's why you're here. Mia saw something in all of you.

(10.) [Alex] Thank you.

[Rubiya] We appreciate the reassurance.

[Dulce] Yeah, thanks.

(11.) [Rubiya] Alright! First, we have Chef Rubiya's appetizer.

[Rubiya] Chefs, I have made you chana masala goat tacos with a hatch green chile salsa and jicama dip.

(12.) [Carlo] The goat is really juicy and flavorful. Also, the jicama dip adds some nice freshness to the tacos.

(13.) [Mia] The only bad thing is that the tortillas got cold and soggy... that's not good, especially because tacos are so reliant on the tortillas.

(14.) [Sofia] But hey, you opting for the limes instead of the lemon juice worked out well for you. I know these tacos aren't exactly authentic, but I've eaten a lot of tacos in Del Sol Valley and many taco stands there have limes instead of lemons. It makes a big difference.

(15.) [Rubiya] Thank you, judges.

[Andrea] Next, we have Chef Alex's appetizer.

[Alex] Chefs, I made for you an egusi soup with cubed goat meat, spiralized jicama, and chana masala.

(16.) [Alex] ...but I did use pumpkin seeds instead of egusi seeds.

[Mia] That is a common substitution! Let me say, this soup is quite rich. Also, you have a git when it comes to plating.

(17.) [Carlo] I have to agree. The cubed goat and spiralized jicama are nice. That shows you have technique. I just think it needs something else to balance out the heartiness of the soup. You went a little too light on the vegetables.

(18.) [Sofia] Yeah, I found some of the flavors a bit overpowering, but at least the goat is cooked all the way. It's tender.

(19.) [Alex] Thank you, judges.

[Andrea] Finally, we have Chef Dulce's entree.

[Dulce] Judges, I made you all a tomato soup with chana masala and chopped hatch green chiles and jicama.

(20.) [Mia] You've done it again, Dulce. You know how to combine flavors perfectly. The cucumber, onion, and bell peppers make this dish so fulfilling.

(21.) [Sofia] Ohh, I wish I could enjoy this more thoroughly. I am not sure if the added red chiles were a good move. I can't really taste the rest of it.

(22.) [Carlo] They're both right. It's delicious, but the spice is too much. The hatch green chiles themselves were fine. The goat and some of the vegetables are kind of hard to chew too.

(23.) [Dulce] Thank you, judges.

[Andrea] Well done, chefs. Please go to the room next door so the judges can have a discussion. We'll see you in a bit.

(24.) [Rubiya] Guys! I served them cold and soggy tacos! I think it's over for me.

[Alex] I'm not feeling good either. I'm not exactly seeking Carlo's approval anymore, but he's still a judge...

(25.) [Dulce] Yeah, it was a brutal round for all of us, huh? I don't know what I was thinking.

[Rubiya] I thought it would get easier with each round, but I'm not so sure anymore.

(26.) [Andrea] Chefs, welcome back to the judges' table. Judges?

(27.) [Mia] This was a difficult decision to make.

[Carlo] Even for me. Everyone made a delicious dish.. but they all came with their major faults.

[Mia] And unfortunately, Dulce is being diced in this round.

[bonyassfish]

Incidentally as we come up on cold and flu season (PLEASE GET TOUR FLU SHOT AND COVID BOOSTER ASAP IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY) I thought some of you may be interested in a recipe for chicken soup with matzah balls, straight from my Jewish™️ mom

Ingredients (this can serve like 4-6 people and also freezes pretty well, but you can also just adjust the portion sizes)

For the soup:

4 cups of water

3-4 bone in chicken thighs (note: you can basically use any parts of a chicken you want as long as it has bones. Chicken necks are very ideal and give lots of flavor but aren’t always easily accessible. Alternatively, you can save the carcass next time you serve a whole chicken and use that for the soup)

1 yellow onion

3-4 carrots

2-3 parsnips

1-2 zucchinis

1 turnip

At least 3 bulbs of garlic, but this is Jewish cooking so there is truly never too much garlic. As much garlic as you want, three is just the absolute minimum

Fresh dill, as much as you can hold in your hand? Idk just a lot of dill. And it does have to be fresh! No dried!

Salt and black pepper to taste

For the matzah balls (recipe may be adjusted for fluffiness or density as one prefers)

2/3 cup matzah meal (ground up matzah, must be very fine)

1/4 cup of water

1/4 cup of some type of fat, ideally schmaltz (rendered chicken fat. In the likely event that you can’t find it or make it, you may use olive oil)

1 large egg

Instructions:

Fill a large pot with water and a pinch of salt. Set the stove to low/medium heat. Let the water start to heat up before you put in the chicken. Keep the water just below simmering. Peel the carrots, parsnips, and onion, but DON’T chop them, put them in the pot whole. Cover the pot.

Peel and mince the garlic, then add it to the Cut off the ends of the zucchini and cut it in half. Peel the turnip and chop it up into little cubes. Put all of them into the pot. Add dill to the top. Cover and let simmer on low for 4-6 hours

As the soup is cooking, start the matzah balls. Mix the matzah meal and schmaltz/oil. Beat the egg and add it to the mixture. Mix it THOROUGHLY!!! Leave it uncovered in the fridge for at least 30 minutes and up to a couple of hours.

Take the mixture out of the fridge. Prepare a plate or a tray with parchment paper on top. Use the mixture to roll out small balls (like the size of a golf ball, they expand as they cook). Cover and let sit in the fridge for 15-20 minutes. Don’t let them sit too long.

(Note: if you want to just make the matzah balls and not the soup, skip all the following steps and just boil these bad boys in some water with a little salt until they’re a little soft but not starting to fall apart. You can freeze them or serve them with your favorite soup)

Plop the matzah balls in the soup. If you like them soft and falling apart, put them in earlier, and if you like them having more structure wait longer to put them in the soup.

Taste test the soup and add salt and pepper as you desire. Turn the stove off and take out the dill. Use a strainer to take out the onion and turnips. You can leave in the other vegetables or take them out. Serve right away or let it cool down before freezing.

[afro-hispwriter]

Evan Peters x black!reader

Summary- Evan wakes up with you in his bed… with him still inside you

Warnings-one-night stand, mentions of Emma, pregnancy scare, angst

Wc- 1.5k

-

He had just broken up with Emma and his friends eventually convinced him to go out. And coincidentally it was a party you were at with a few other famous people. 

It's not like you and Evan haven't met, you haven't worked with each other but award ceremonies or shared friends got you to the point of exchanging numbers. You didn't talk to each other a lot. 

It didn't stop you from actually having a conversation that night.

"Hey, I'm sorry about you and Emma." He took a swig of his drink.

"It's alright, I'm kind of glad and to be completely honest I feel free. Believe it or not, it wasn't the healthiest relationship." You didn't say anything, just pressed your lips together and rubbed his arm. 

After that, you're not sure what happened. Just vividly remembering you being pressed again the wall, your Evans's chests pressed tightly against each other making out.

"Come home with me." He mumbled against your lips. 

"I shouldn't." You pull away and he buries his face in your neck. 

"Please." His lips then attached to your neck.

-

The next morning he woke up first. His face was buried in your curls that had a mango smell to them. 

You were in his arms. In his bed. His cock is still deep inside of you. 

"Fuck." He whispers and your eyes fluttered open and the bright light made your head throb. 

"Fuck indeed, my head hurts."

"No Y/n, I-Im still in you." It took you a moment to register what he meant. 

"Oh shit." You picked yourself up and rested on your elbow. You could now feel his hips flush against your hips. 

"Im gonna pull out." He says and you nod. He squeezed your hips and slowly and gently pulled out. You squeezed the sheets softly and let out a low whimper as the feeling of being full was gone. 

Evan flopped back and reached down to pull the condom off but when he tried to grab it and didn't get anything. His eyes widened. He looked down to see no condom on his dick. He then looks down to where you were once joined and didn't see it either.

"Y/n?" 

"Hmm." You respond and slowly rest on your back. 

"I didn't wear a condom." Now your eyes widened and you shot up. 

"What!" You smack his arm. "How could you not wear a condom?"

"I don't even remember getting here last night, we got pretty fucking wasted." You brought the sheets up and held them to your chest.

"Okay okay, it's okay I'm on birth control I-I just don't have my pills." Evan nodded and started to get out of bed. 

"I can go get that, right now." He says and starts digging through his drawers. He threw a pair of briefs and a shirt at you. "It's really all I got, you can take a shower it's right past that door, just please wait until I come back." You nodded and grabbed the clothes but didn't say anything, just watched him get dressed. You then slowly started to get up, covering yourself with the shirt and briefs. 

"I'll be back." He says but doesn't look at you with respect. 

"I'll be here." You say and walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind you.

-

Evan didn't have much in the shower. A loofa, a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner, and a bar of soap. You got cleaned up and dried off, since you didn't have a toothbrush you were glad Evan at least had mouthwash. 

You walked out of the bathroom and debated whether to leave or not. But you weren't just going to stay in his room so you opened the door and was instantly hit with the smell of eggs and bacon. You found the kitchen to see Evan cooking.

"Hey." You say and he turns around and smiles. 

"Hey, got the stuff." He says awkwardly and points his chin to the glass of water and already opened the package. "Opened it for you." 

"Thanks." You sit down on the stool and pick out a pill and tossed it in your mouth, followed by drinking the water. "Did anybody recognize you?" 

"No." 

"Good." Evan put your plate of food on the table and went back to serve himself. "You make breakfast and buy plan B for all your hookups?"

"I haven't hooked up with anyone in years and Emma was always cautious about getting pregnant, and you're not just a hookup." He says and drinks his juice. "You're a friend."

"I see." You sat there in silence, finishing up the breakfast. Once you finished you started to stand up to put the plate away but he grabbed it. 

"I got it." 

"Thanks." You pressed your lips together and looked around the house. There wasn't much. "Did you just move in here?"

"Yeah, it was on short notice so I don't have everything or a lot." You nodded and swirled around in the stool when something caught your eye.

Your panties are on the head of the couch. 

"Shit." You hopped down and snatched them from the couch. And on the floor were the rest of your clothes, your purse, and your phone. Along with Evans stuff.

"Yeah I saw them when I left this morning, I was gonna pick them up but I made breakfast." 

"It's okay. Doesn't seem like your room was our first stop." You chuckled and balled up the clothes followed by grabbing your phone. Your phone had messages from some apps and from your friend who you were at the party with.

Ella🫶🏾- EVAN PETERS?? 10:27 p.m

Ella🫶🏾-I JUST SAW YOU LEAVE WITH HIM 10:27 p.m

Ella🫶🏾-YOU WERE GOING AT ITTTTT😭 10:27 p.m

Ella🫶🏾-HELLOOO? 12:35 a.m

Ella🫶🏾-BE SAFE 1:13 a.m

Ella🫶🏾-Morningggggg 10:16 a.m

You: I'm alive 11:00 a.m

Ella🫶🏾- good, how was the dick? 11:00 a.m

You: that's all you care about?😭 11:01 a.m

You: I don't remember it I was too drunk 11:01 a.m

You: don't tell anyone, it was just a hookup 11:01 a.m

You: I'm ordering an Uber 11:02 a.m

Ella🫶🏾- sureee just a hookup 11:03 a.m

Ella🫶🏾- I won't say anything 11:03 a.m

You looked up from your phone and turned to Evan.

"Im going to order an Uber, I've overstayed." He shook his head and grabbed his keys. 

"No, you haven't, ill drive you." 

"It's okay really, you've already left for me once." 

"I just want to make it up to you for the scare, due to my stupidity." You bent down and grabbed your purse. 

"It wasn't just you." He let out a huff and opened the front door for you. You stepped out and he followed you to his car. 

Evan hasn't told you that he got a flash of last night. It was specifically you sitting on the couch, naked and legs spread. He was on his knees absolutely devouring your pussy. And he swore he could still taste you... he wanted more.

You both got into the car and you instantly grabbed your phone and pulled in messages with Ella.

You: HE'S DRIVING ME HOME

Ella🫶🏾: INVITE HIM IN

You frowned as he pulled out of the driveway. You liked Evan but as a friend (or do you?). He just got out of a seven-year relationship, it isn't a good idea for either of you to start something. But you really didn't want to be the rebound. 

You: I don't want to be the rebound that he'll get tired of and throw me to the side🥲

Ella🫶🏾: we all know he's a good guy but it's your choice

"Y/n I don't know where your house is." 

-

He pulled into your driveway and put the car in park.

“Thank you.” You say and start to open the door when he grabs your arm. 

“I had a good time, from what I could remember .”

Oh shit, you thought.

“If you ever need someone, I can be that person.” You swallowed harshly and looked around. 

“E-Evan-.” He suddenly leaned forward cutting you off, closed and lips starting to pucker. You drew back and almost hit your head against the windshield. “Stop.” He opened his eyes to see the eyes of shock and his face started to burn red. 

“Fuck, oh fuck I'm sorry.” He let you go and sat back. “I'm sorry.”

“No, it's okay I-I just don’t want to be a rebound.” He looked up from his hand a gave a face of confusion. “You just got out of a seven-year relationship and you obviously still love her. I just can’t, I don’t want to get hurt.” 

“I understand.” He nodded and let out a puff of air. The atmosphere now grew awkward and you started to slide out of the car. “Will you text or call me if anything happens?” He took a long pause. “Or you find out anything?” His eyes flicker down to your belly.

“Yeah I’ll tell you but I think we got it in time.” He just nodded. “Bye.” 

“Bye.”

-

A/n- There will be another part and many more

[stabbyfoxandrew]

omfg the mer au??! if I may request some more of it 🙇‍♀️🫶 so excited!

WIP Wednesday (5/1) | Mer Roadtrip AU (Part 2)

“We just had to nab the little bastard on the hottest day of the year.” Romero mutters, sounding as miserable as Nathaniel feels. Nathaniel thinks it serves him right, but doesn’t make it known. Instead he just slowly bounces his leg and tries not to let himself panic. Panic is useless. Especially when he’s already caught in a snare with nowhere to run.

-

For a while, the three of them sit in complete silence in the suffocating heat. Nathaniel has sweat dripping from every pore and he’d kill for a bottle of water. Of course, he’d never ask for it. His luck they’d produce a bottle of cyanide from under the seat and dare him to refuse it.

No, he tells himself. If they were going to kill him they’d have already done it. They’re taking him home like Lola said. And that means Nathan himself is waiting for him. God, the thought makes Nathaniel’s stomach roil. Or, maybe it’s heat sickness. He doubts it.

“Jesus Christ, I’ve got to roll the windows down at least. Get a little air moving in this bitch.” Romero says. It sounds like he’s making a statement, but really he’s asking permission from Satan’s favorite child. Because Lola is in charge here and all three of them know it.

“Just yours.” Lola says, waving her right hand, the one that's not on Nathaniel's wrist. “We’re fine back here, aren’t we Junior?”

Nathaniel nods obediently and Lola grins. Romero rolls down both the front windows, but it doesn’t help in the slightest. The car’s barely moved in the last five minutes and there’s not even the slightest hint of a breeze, so they’re just cooking this deathtrap of a sedan. And they will be for a long while, judging by the scene laid before him. Traffic around here is a nightmare on a good day, which today decidedly is not, and it’s bumper to bumper for what seems to be miles. They might as well be in a parking lot.

What an idiot Romero must be. Why he’d have chosen this road, which leads right into Los Angeles, is beyond Nathaniel. It makes no sense. It— Nathaniel glances at the dashboard where a GPS is shoddily mounted to the A/C vents. They're headed for the airport, which he figured, but... Oh.

Romero took a wrong turn, he bets. He was probably supposed to take Santa Monica Boulevard, not the freeway. Well, at least he hasn’t gotten any smarter since Nathaniel’s been away. That’s sort of reassuring.

“What are you smiling for, Nathaniel?”

Nathaniel wipes the grin off his face and clears his throat. “I’m just happy to see you, Lola. It’s been so long.”

“It has.” She says, leering at him like he’s a piece of meat. Her free hand grips the side of his face and turns him to look at her. “You’re all grown up now. You look just like your father, you know.”

“He really does," Romero says, looking into the rear view mirror. "It’s sorta eerie.”

“It’s not eerie, it's genetics,” Lola says, rolling her eyes. Then she finally releases Nathaniel’s face, he turns away from her to look out the window even though there’s nothing to see. Wait. Nathaniel’s eyes slide down to double check what he just saw.

The door isn’t locked. 

Maybe there’s a way out of this net after all.

[shou-jpeg]

-Back on the Beat-

Part 2. 06

October 26th, 5:39pm

Kim is feeling… unsettled. 

If he didn’t know better, he would say he was nervous. Except Kim does know better and he doesn’t get nervous. 

He’s frustrated because he can’t figure out what to wear, and he’s changed his outfit four times now. 

But he isn’t nervous. 

Jimbo, Kim’s cat, intermittently walks into the bedroom, only to walk back out again a few minutes later. As if he wants to be in there with Kim, but the tension is too much for him to stay long.

Kim sighs. 

Tonight is family dinner night. It’s a new weekly tradition Kinn and Porsche are trying to make happen, and tonight will be the third night they hold it. For Kim, it will be his first night attending. He doesn’t mind spending time with Khun, but Kim doesn’t get along too well with Kinn, and he’s hardly exchanged more than two words with Porsche. His father will also be there, which is never an appealing situation. 

Normally, Kim would avoid such an event and ignore Khun’s hassling until his attendance is given up on. 

Except Porchay asked Kim to come. 

Kim thinks he would go through far more grueling activities than family dinner in order to spend time with Porchay. 

And… this will be the first time since they broke up that Kim and Porchay will be spending an extended period of time in the same room together. 

They might even get a chance to talk. 

…

Maybe Kim is a little nervous. 

But only to see Porchay. 

They’ve been texting most days recently. The topics they talk about vary a lot, and Porchay is usually the one to initiate the conversation. He also asks for pictures of Kim’s cat on a regular basis, and Kim has taken to bringing his phone with him around the house so he can snap pictures of Jimbo for the next time Porchay asks for them.

Kim looks down at the leather jacket in his hands and holds back a smile. 

…

He really needs to get going though, or he will be late. 

Well… later than he already is anyway. 

Kim throws on the first outfit he tried 45 minutes ago, checks himself in the mirror for another ten minutes, gives Jimbo a scratch under his chin and leaves his apartment. He’s now running almost 25 minutes late for dinner. 

Kim arrives at the compound dining room just as the staff are putting food on the table. Kinn and Porsche both look surprised to see him, but Kim ignores them in favour or looking at Porchay. They lock eyes, and Porchay smiles gently at Kim. 

Kim’s heart soars. 

“It’s not nice to be tardy, little brother!” Tankhun remarks haughtily, pulling Kim’s attention away from Porchay. If Kim didn’t know Khun so well, he would miss the pleased look that Khun is trying to hide in favour of his fake exasperation. 

“Hush, Tankhun,” Korn says “it’s lovely for you to join us, Kim. What a pleasant surprise!” Korn looks every bit the pleased, loving father he pretends to be on the outside. Kim sends him his most charming smile. 

“I happened to be in the area, thought I should stop by at least once.” Tankhun huffs at his excuse, but he still looks pleased as he begins sorting through the food on the table. 

Kinn doesn’t say anything, but he does have a hint of a smile on his face as he follows Khun’s lead with the food. 

Perhaps tonight won’t be such a struggle after all.

The staff bring out an extra table setting for Kim, and he begins serving himself some rice.

The conversation at the table kicks off when Porsche turns to Porchay and asks him about the garden bed he's been cultivating under the watchful eye of the family's gardener. Kim makes a mental note to ask Porchay more about his flowers if they get a chance to talk and he needs something to fall back on.

Khun makes a comment about how delicious his food is, but how the pad kra pao could have been better. Kim silently agrees, but only because his pad kra pao is one of the best things he cooks. He was taught how to make it by their previous head chef when he was fourteen, and he perfected it when he moved out. Ever since that chef retired, the dish cooked by anyone else has never managed to please the table, and it’s almost guaranteed that Khun will comment on it. Kim has been meaning to make some for Khun, but he's a little nervous he won't live up to the standard. 

Just as Kim is starting to think family dinner isn’t so bad after all, Korn turns to Kinn and Porsche and begins to talk business. 

Which of course means various metaphors instead of actually talking directly, even though everyone at the table knows exactly what is being discussed. 

"Kinn, how did the meeting go last week? Did you sort out the issue with the bread?”

“Yes pa. The bread is running through the clubs with our regular bakers once more. There was a slight disagreement regarding the ingredients used but it has now been sorted out.”

“Wonderful news. Well done. I knew you could handle the situation,” Korn remarks jovily. Kim internally rolls his eyes. He would bet good money the issue was actually caused by Korn’s own devices as some way of testing Kinn. 

Kim’s phone buzzes in his pocket, and he turns away from the conversation to fish it out. 

Kim’s hand flies up to his mouth, but he’s not nearly quick enough to stifle the loud snort-laugh he lets out at Porchay’s message. 

The table goes quiet as everyone turns to look at Kim in surprise, Porchay looking at him in delight, though he’s trying to hide it. It’s not working. 

“Sorry,” Kim explains, “I ate too quickly.” His face feels like it’s burning, and he keeps his head down as he fishes a piece of tofu off his place. 

The conversation resumes, but Kim is no longer paying it any attention.

How fucking embarrassing. 

Kim looks up at Porchay, who is already watching him with a pleased smile. They lock eyes for a moment before Kim feels like he needs to look away once more, unsure how to handle the soft look on Porchay’s face.

Dinner passes without further incident, Khun asks Kim a few things about his music and demands photos of Jimbo and Kim makes a mental note to send Khun a few of the pictures he’s been taking for Porchay.

The night winds down and eventually Korn retires for the evening. Kinn and Porsche have been giving each other bedroom eyes for the past half hour, and excuse themselves shortly after.

Tankhun looks to Kim like he’s about to say something, but changes his mind and excuses himself with a swish of his long cloak and a request for Kim to join them next time. 

Kim doesn’t think he can handle another family dinner.

He’s standing up to leave when Porchay speaks up. He’s still sitting at the table, picking at the edge with his fingers.

“It’s good you could come. They always serve too much food and I feel awful leaving it on the table.”

“Don’t. The staff eat any leftovers so it doesn’t go to waste.”

“Ah.” Porchay looks down at the table, fiddling with his thumbs. The suspended silence is awkward, but Kim still hesitates to leave. 

Just as he decides he should probably go, Porchay speaks again.

“Hey, are you busy after this?” he asks.

“Mm no, I was just going to head back home and do some work.”

“Oh... are you working on new music?”

“Maybe. Not sure if this one is going anywhere yet though.” Kim shuffles his feet. He's not sure what to do with his hands, and tucks them away in his pockets.

“Well…” Porchay pauses, as if unsure of his next words, “um, if you’re free for a little while, can you come upstairs with me?”

Kim’s brain short circuits. What?

Porchay continues quickly, “I’m fine tuning my latest shit post and I could use your critical eye.”

Kim doesn't know what to say. Porchay fiddles with his fingers some more, looking down at the table top and back up at Kim, and then looks away again.

"Yeah," Kim eventually finds his voice "Yeah of course. Lead the way."

END OF PART 2

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[petermorwood]

Mushrooms in Cream Sauce...

...or Pilze in Sahnesoße.

This is for @killerblackberrypie, who went looking for the version on our "European Cusines" site and found the site gone.

@dduane had taken it down for maintenance, a new theme and to take some new photos, but while the site was down it web-provider went belly-up. These things happen.

"European Cuisines" Will Return - just not quite yet.

Our recipe was, ironically, one of the recipes slated for new pics, so while this text is from the site's offline backup (with a couple of tweaks from me, because why not?) photos are sourced from the web.

There are many, many other recipes online; they're mostly in German, but Google Translate handles Rezeptedeutch well enough. I've linked to a couple, which is only fair since I'm using their pix.

You'll also see the French word "champignons" in German recipes as often as German "Pilze"; I don't know whether this indicates a French origin for the recipe, or refers to a specific mushroom, or makes the dish sound more classy.

Here's one: Champignons in Sahnesauce mit Spätzle.

And here's ours...

*****

Pilze in Sahnesoße from European Cuisines.

Contrary to popular belief, Germany is not a vegetable-free zone.

In fact, unless you find yourself buried in some tiny backwater in the Black Forest or someplace similar, Germany is much kinder to both vegetable-lover and vegetarian than a lot of other places. It will be rare to find a menu that doesn't have at least a few vegetarian or at least mostly-vegetable options on it, often far more creative than you might expect.

But leaving aside for the moment the issue of vegetarianism per se, Germans really do like more vegetables than potatoes and cabbage, especially seasonal ones in their prime. Asparagus season, for instance, has its own name: Spargelzeit - "asparagus time".

And mushrooms (all right, not as true veggies, but at least as fungi) turn up as stars in many entreés, especially in dishes meant to be served in the autumn, "Pilzsaison", mushroom season, when the good little creatures are coming up all over in the woods and the supermarkets.

This recipe calls for the mushrooms to be sautéed with onions in bacon fat (the bacon is added later). The pan is then deglazed with white wine, and various spices are added, one of them being paprika, which instantly suggests that this recipe probably sneaked over the border from Austro-Hungary, possibly via the Czech Republic.

Finally the cream and bacon go in.

The result is substantial, surprisingly elegant, and yummy.

This is definitely a recipe for a high-end Hobbit menu: an entrée for anyone who doesn't want their mushrooms upstaged by overly large amounts of meat.

The bacon-fat and bacon CAN be left out completely, making the dish meat-free. Use more butter along with more mushrooms and a red pepper diced small, and add 1/4 teaspoon smoked paprika.

*****

INGREDIENTS

NB, we work in metric so that's "correct"; Imperial is converted and "approximate", though it won't make much difference. Just don't combine them or your mushrooms might crash into Mars...

1 kg / 2 lb fresh mushrooms, domesticated or a mixture of wild types to taste

125g / 1/4 pound bacon, diced

60gr 1/4 cup butter or margarine

2 large onions, diced

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

1/2 teaspoon paprika

60ml / 1/4 cup (or more if needed to deglaze) white wine, preferably a medium or medium-dry one

A pinch of nutmeg

A pinch of mace

250ml / 1 cup heavy cream

The juice of half a medium-sized lemon, strained

2 sprigs of fresh parsley

METHOD

Clean the mushrooms with a soft brush or dry cloth. (Never wash mushrooms.) If they're big, cut them in half.

Fry the bacon in a wok or large pan until lightly browned. Remove the bacon from the pan and set it aside.

Add the butter to the pan drippings. Add the onions; sauté until lightly browned.

Add the mushrooms; cook them until they're tender, stirring often.

When they're tender, raise the heat slightly and stir in the wine, salt, pepper, paprika, nutmeg, and mace. Cover the pan and cook over low heat for 15 minutes.

Remove from the heat. Add the cooked bacon, cream and lemon juice. Reheat until just warm. Do NOT let this mixture boil!!!

Garnish with parsley and serve with noodles, dumplings, mashed potatoes, whole potatoes... And some crusty bread to chase the last of the sauce.

*****

Our original photo used Spätzle, as in the first pic. Ribbon tagliatelle works just fine as well, while here is Saure Pilz-Sahnesoße served alongside Bohemian Dumplings, a long bread dumpling boiled in water or stock then cut into thick slices.

From the same site, here's a simple potato treatment, Pilz-Sahnesoße mit Kartoffeln:

As far as we've been able to make out, the main difference between mushrooms in cream sauce as a main dish, and creamy mushroom sauce for use with something else, is the proportion of mushrooms to everything else, and often the size of pieces into which they're cut. Really small bits are one more ingredient, large generous chunks are much more front and centre.

Ours is definitely a main course, and though we haven't made it for a while, the memory of that last time still makes my Mind Palate go...

Soon. Soon...