#they care about pleasing people who's activism is rooted in figuring out how they are allowed to hate us

[anonymousewrites]

Nature of the Human Soul Christmas Special

Platonic! Hazbin Hotel x Teen! Reader

Father Figure! Alastor x Teen! Reader

Christmas Special

            “Celebrate Christmas? Toots, you know we’re in Hell, right?” said Angel, raising a brow. "We do Sinsmas. We're sinners."

            “Well, yeah, but that’s why Christmas is important,” said Charlie, beaming. “I mean, how could celebrating a holy holiday not help you all get into to Heaven? Plus, Sinsmas is a little...hellish. Christmas is good for us!"

            “Celebrating a holiday overrun by greed and commercialism would be more akin to sin, wouldn’t it?” said (Y/N) from where they perched at the bar with Husk.

            “Let me guess, your parents taught you that,” said Husk.

            (Y/N) looked at him. “Is that bad?”

            “Your parents were obsessed with sin,” said Husk, rolling his eyes.

            “I ended up in Hell,” pointed out (Y/N).

            “We have got to get you to stop thinking like those idiots,” said Angel. “Seriously, kid, you’re never going to have any fun always judging yourself.”

            “Besides, this is going to be about loving one another and family and joy!” said Charlie. “Not greed. There’s nothing bad about caring for one another.”

            “It’s not like we can go to double hell at this point,” said (Y/N), shrugging.

            “Not quite the spirit, but I’ll take it!” said Charlie.

            “We’re going to set up a Christmas tree and do a ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange,” said Vaggie. “Everyone is participating.”

            “Where’s Strawberry Pimp, then?” said Angel.

            “Would you want to be the one to ask him to join this?” said (Y/N).

            “We could send you,” said Husk.

            “Why do I have to be the one who gets laughed at in their face?” said (Y/N).

            “I’m tempted to laugh right now at this idea,” said Angel.

            “(Y/N), can you help us with the tree?” said Charlie, having already procured a tree from somewhere. She was attempting to pull it into place.

            (Y/N) jumped down from the bar and raised a hand to help root the tree in place. It grew greener as they stepped closer.

            “You think Alastor would’ve said yes to the kid?” said Angel, looking at Husk. “He ain’t soft.”

            “No, he isn’t,” agreed Husk. “He would’ve still said no. But he wouldn’t have been mean to them.”

            “Ya think?” said Angel. He frowned. “I don’t want (Y/N) getting’ hurt ‘cause of him.”

            “We’re here, aren’t we?” said Husk. “We can take care of the kid, too, if Alastor stops training them and tries to use them.”

            “True,” said Angel, smiling as he watched (Y/N) grow mistletoe and holly for Charlie. “If anyone deserves redemption, it’s them. If it’s possible…I ain’t letting Alastor influence them into losing that chance.”

            Husk nodded firmly.

l

            “Alright, time to reveal the presents!” said Charlie happily once the day of the party had arrived, the (attempt) at Christmas music was playing, and she had stuffed everyone into Christmas sweaters.

            “Oh, look, the Grinch is here,” said Vaggie as she spotted Alastor.

            “As hotelier, it is my duty to oversee all Hotel activities,” said Alastor with his usual smile.

            “Do you want to join in?” said Charlie, smiling.

            “I prefer to watch you all toil away at attempting to please one another with material gifts,” said Alastor. “It’s so hopeless I could laugh at loud!” He would.

            “Okay, let’s get on with this,” said Husk. If Alastor was going to spoil any joy he’d get out of this time with people he liked, then they might as well hurry it up.

            “I’ll go first!” said Charlie, excited as ever. “Niffty, I got you, and here’s your gift.”

            Niffty giggled happily (rapidly) and tore the present open like an animal. She cackled. “Yes!” It was brand-new cleaning supplies, and she barely took any time to toss a gift at Vaggie before running to start putting her gift to work.

            “Okay…I’m guessing this is for me,” said Vaggie, looking at the bag apprehensively. She opened it and breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn’t something dead (like bugs. Or a bird. Niffty seemed like the type to wrap that up as a gift). She pulled out a painting. It was a bit abstract, but it was clearly a bunch of dead exorcists from their battle at the hotel. “I mean, it’s cool.”

            “Not very Christmas-y,” said Charlie, wincing.

            “What did you expect for her?” snickered Angel. “At least it’s badass.”

            “Put it next to the Pentious portrait,” advised Husk. “Or burn it. It might be cursed.”

            “Right…” said Charlie.

            “Okay, well, I got you, babe,” said Vaggie, holding out a box.

            Eagerly, Charlie opened it and found a new brooch. “It’s so pretty! Thank you, Vaggie!” She hugged her girlfriend tightly, and Vaggie smiled and held her in return.

            “Alright, alright,” said Vaggie before Charlie started crying in gratefulness. “Someone else go before she becomes too emotional.”

            “Angel, this is for you,” said (Y/N), holding out a bag.

            “Thanks, kid,” said Angel, grinning and opening the bag. He let out an excited sound and pulled out a large stuffed animal shaped like a big pig. “It’s Fat Nuggets! I love it!”

            (Y/N) smiled. “I’m glad.” They really had tried to find something he’d like.

            “So cute,” said Charlie, nodding.

            “Husky, baby, I’ve got you a present,” said Angel, eager now that it was his turn. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Husk groaned (mostly pretending to be annoyed).

            However, he took the gift and opened it. He hesitated before unfolding the paper, expecting someone extremely sexual. Instead, he found a pack of cards. Surprised, he opened them and flipped through the cards. Each one was themed on stuff in their life and on people they knew. It was…personal. Husk smiled.

            “Thanks, Angel,” said Husk, completely honest.

            “No problem, Husk,” said Angel softly.

            Husk cleared his throat and held out a long box to (Y/N). “Here, kid, it’s your turn.”

            (Y/N) brightened. They hadn’t received a lot of gifts during their life, so this was exciting. They opened the box and found a long handle. Curiously, they pulled out a staff from the box. The baton was black with a red rose and fake thorns and vines at the top.

            “If you’re gonna be some goddammed powerful demon, you gotta look the part, and that means staffs, apparently,” said Husk, grinning.

            “I love it,” said (Y/N), twirling it around in their hands.

            “I’m glad,” said Husk.

            “Not quite finished, though,” said Alastor. He reached out and tapped the top of the staff so that it lit up with magic. “You’ve got to make it your own.”

            (Y/N) focused, and the rose blossomed into a real flower. They brightened and grinned at Alastor. “Thanks.”

            Husk and Angel glanced at one another as Alastor just grinned in return at (Y/N). Huh.

            “Merry Christmas, everyone!” said Charlie, happily pulled everyone near her into a smile.

            Merry Christmas indeed.

Taglist:

@kyalov

@pandaquick

@boredwithlifeatthispoint

@jaytheaceenby

@paastaboi

@bettybabys

@gxdoesstuff

@grippleback-galaxy

@just-here-reading

@dmitrytherat

@a-small-tyrant

@marxo5

@rory-cakes

@andsoigotabutterfly

@theblueslytherin

@romyoia

@ray-rook

@thereeallink

@pandaquick

@funkyexistence

@theyaremorethanjustfictional

@lanxianschoenheit

@justyourfriendlyneighbourhood1

@ringsofpersonti

@futureittomainn

@enderpearltv

@oo0lady-mad0oo

@falsemain

@a-huge-bi-nerd

@lost-in-the-hellaverse

@tagthetrekkie

@amberforest08

@picklehat3r

@lunalixya

@rl800

@crystal-freak24

@deadgirldreaming

@elaemae

@im-making-an-effort

@kitkatlover015

@snowy-violet

@wonderlandfandomkingdom

[hazel2468]

Okay no I need to ask. Jews who throw their lot in with blatant bigots and antisemitic racists-

Do you think it will save you?

Do you think that when they scream for "Zio" blood, they do not mean you? Do you think that when they cheer the rape and kidnapping and murder of Israelis, they do not mean you? Do you think when they come into the inboxes and DMs of random Jews to tell them that they "deserve it" and that the world would be better without Jews in it, they do not mean you? Do you think that when they assault and beat and stab and kill Jews in the name of their so-called "activism", they do not mean you?

They DO mean you. You are not exempt. You will not escape this. No matter how much you throw your own tribe under the bus. No matter how much you swear you are not like those other Jews, the Bad Jews, the Zionists, the Yids, the kikes. No matter how much you get up on stage and disavow your Jewishness to them, no matter how much you wail that you're on their side.

No matter how much you betray your own people. No matter how much of your sibling's blood you have on your hands.

When the time comes. When the people you have been working so hard to please file into that meeting room to discuss their triumph, to sing praises of Jewish blood in the streets.

You will find a hand on your shoulder and a voice saying "Now, hold on a minute, Jew."

[bambiesfics]

Hi, this is just to spring off of another TLOU blog’s post, which I thought was aptly worded: Please find that post here! and please find the original twitter thread on Pro-Palestinian resources here!

I just wanted touch on how inappropriate it is to use a genocide as an excuse to morally posture over other people in our community because you’re itching to play an own ego-stroking game of ‘whose a better activist than who.’

Outside of the strikes, and days dedicated to raising awareness coming here to say asinine, innapropriate comments such as “Y’all can’t stop posting about pixel pussy?!” Is extremely unhelpful and is just something that sows undue resentment in our community. When you do things like that, we know what you’re really saying, and it’s not nice. What you’re really saying is “You guys are shitty people for still having any remaining vested interested in this community, unlike me, someone whose an enlightened online activist. I’m above caring about that childish little 2D lesbian and the sapphic community it brought forth, despite the fact that my initial interest in her is why I was ever even apart of this community I’m mocking to begin with. I’ll pretend my corrosive virtual-signalling insults and jabs are coming from a ‘good place,’ and aren’t rooted in being self-serving at all! I’ll pretend that I’m not using this genocide as a vehicle to stroke my own ego for rising above ‘petty, immature things’ like sapphic media, sexuality and community. I’m highkey so much better than you all, I’ll just refuse to admit that outright. Instead I’ll continue to subtly mock your intelligence and distract away from helpful posts about this genocide, and hope you won’t see what I’m doing for what it is. My favourite activity during genocide is not to educate people and commit myself to Palestinian liberation, but rather throw stones, hide my hands and demean well-intentioned posts just because it makes me feel good. Realistically, not one person in Gaza was tangibly helped by the insults I left in the TLOU tags for people to see, but I won’t stop because I’m just a girl….obviously.”

Hey, listen: I’ve been to protests where the organizers, MY PEERS, were other university students who were 18-22, who have had the diligence to remind everyone in the crowd to NOT ENGAGE WITH ZIONISTS. Why? Because it wasn’t safe, because their goal was to inspire a conflict in what is intended to be a united camaraderie in support of PALESTINE 🇵🇸. If those young adults can keep steadfast to their goal of mobilizing for Palestine, then I believe these bad faith actors on TLOU tumblr should learn not to sow shame in people for simply posting a drabble (when not striking) in a community whose fiction they lavished the fruits of, not too long ago. Why? Because it’s not helpful. Because instead of posting helpful resources to aid Palestinians and educating your followers on the zionist Neil Druckman, and to remain mindful of the Zionist themes in the game, you’re using that voice, the tlou tags and it’s reach, just to demean people. It’s such a wasted opportunity to speak up. Hey, if you’re going to say anything in regards to Palestine, then say something helpful to them! That’s an easy enough ask. The yellow jacket community on twitter figured out what pro-revolutionary activism looked like as a community, and I’m proud of them.

I’ll put this in the Ellie x reader tags because I know people who say things like that, either tend to frequent the tags or the tumblr algorithm will push it because of their interests.

[satancopilotsmytardis]

Please Tanco, can you tell us about Honeybee Dabi's backstory?

I didn't proofread this and it's 2am! If there are mistakes we kindly advert our eyes!! TW: Past torture, past sexual assault, for the most part none of this is in graphic detail, but yeah, there's some sad and dark shit in there. (I had to put a space between every bullet because Tumblr wouldn't recognize each one as its own text block otherwise, oops)

So Honeybees live in hives when they're growing up, and like adolescent succubi/incubi, the older members of their hive take care of them by bringing back energy from their feedings to give to the younger ones. When Dabi was twelve, he picked a fight with one of his hivemates who was set to become the next leader of their group, because he was thought to be too sickly and too bad at talking to others to be able to be in that position of power. Instead of just getting a stern talking to, or sent out of the hive, one of the older members decided they didn't want to risk him finding a new hive and taking over there and eventually coming back to oust their new leader while he was still developing, so he arranged for Dabi to be taken through the rift by Signetworks. 

Signetworks was a company that is an offshoot of a bigger corporation that has been around since before The Great Ascension. They had the capital and ability to gather more and more demons for study throughout the Ascension and wanted to experiment on them to figure out how to kill demons, how to weaponize/control them, how to use their abilities for humanity's gain, and how to contain them. They got most of their early test subjects by making underhanded deals with other demons who wanted their competition gone so they could have an easier time of progressing their own goals. 

So Dabi was sold off to this company at 12 and they did a lot of horrible things to him for many years. All because he was a rowdy kid. He never got over that, and never lost his attitude no matter how badly he was hurt. The marking across his body would have developed anyway once he was deeper in puberty, but one of the tests they ran was to try and harvest the bioluminescent cells from his tissue that resulted in a lot of pain and made the markings form in the blown-out irregular shapes that they are in now. 

The worst of all of the things that Signetworks ever did to him was when he was just finishing his transition into adulthood and his wings had finally finished emerging from his back. They didn't know how to handle a demon with wings like his. Most other demonic species who have wings tend to have bat wings or bird wings, and bat wings can be broken, and bird wings can be clipped, which tended to be their go-to. But Dabi's outer wings were hard shells, and they didn't have the anatomy that they were used to dealing with. So one day when Dabi was deliriously hungry and they sent in someone to feed him, they had him face down, and when his wings flared involuntarily, they tried to cut them off at the roots. It didn't work immediately, so they called in other people to hold them open as different tools were brought to try and carve them off of his back, but even though it hurt, he bled, and his skin was torn open badly, they couldn't actually find any human tool that could cut through the bone and inner connective tissue to sever them from his back. 

They kept his wings restrained for the rest of the time he was trapped with them, and when he was eventually freed, he was half feral, terrified of humans, mistrusting of other demons, and horribly malnourished with extreme trauma around eating. He nearly died before the people responsible for holding him until whatever the situation with Signetworks was managed to work out what to do with the demons they'd liberated, figured out that he could consume semen without having to be actively involved in the production of it. 

When everything with Signetworks went to court, both on the mortal plane and the infernal one, Dabi was given the choice to stay in the human realm or go back to the demonic one. He stayed on Earth because the demon who had traded him had somehow side-stepped any and all responsibility over the incident. He didn't want to go back and be cleaned up like a loose end.

Since he stayed with humans, humans assigned him a counselor to help him deal with all of that trauma, which ended up being Atsuhiro. He's been working with Dabi for six years, and after just six months, and far before Dabi was ready for it, it was decided that he would have to become a functioning member of society if he wanted to stay on this plane. He had no skills, was too jumpy to do anything, and didn't know what else to do, so when Ambrosia Cosmetics came and offered him a job, he felt like he didn't have any choice but to say 'yes'. (Dabi also met Toga going in and out of Atsuhiro's practice. She's a half-demon that her family hates because she was born of an affair, though it's unclear if an incubus impersonated her mother's husband or if she just straight up cheated, either way, she's not having a good time for entirely different reasons. She's the one who gave Dabi the firefly plush that he keeps in his apartment.)

He found out early on that whatever Signetworks did to him, made him produce way, way more venom and honey than the average bee, and that him being a good producer is all that the company cared about. He could make his demands and mostly get what he wanted so long as he was the best producer. But Ambrosia always pushed at his boundaries. He would always just be struggling to get by with a pollinator, not ever actually enjoying his meals because he never had any guarantee that they would actually listen to him or be able to control themselves when his hyper-potent venom got into their systems. Sometimes they would be okay for a while, but eventually they always got to a point where they would want to fuck him in a position he didn't like, or grab at him in a way that was too similar to what would happen when he was a prisoner, and he wouldn't be able to get them away from him fast enough for his instincts to not rear up and have him lashing out. 

He kept Atsuhiro on to try and get better about all of that, which is definitely part of the reason Ambrosia didn't give him the boot, but he never seemed to be doing better fast enough. He still tried though, making friends with the half-demon security guy who made his door a little more in his control for the first time in his life. He tried to do his job and be good. But it was hard, it sucked, and he never lost his attitude because he was constantly terrified that if he broke down the way he could feel sitting on the edge of his nerves, that he would fall apart and never be able to put himself back together again. 

Then in comes Tomura who kind of gave him the same measured, calm vibes as Atsuhiro, but different in the sense that he didn't hesitate to take control of the situation, tell him off for his attitude, and then demand in the most gentle way for Dabi to just let himself let go. He gave him his venom and he didn't turn mean, he didn't stop checking in or stop listening to him, he didn't hurt him, didn't abandon him when he started to fall apart. He just stayed and stayed kind. He took care of him, feeding him, made sure that he was alright, never moved too fast. It was easy to latch onto him, just for a little while, just until he got mean. 

But he stayed that good to him over time, and by the end of the first month that they were paired together, Dabi admitted that he could never fully relax and enjoy himself at the farm because he knew he wasn't ever really safe or in private there. At any moment, even with his extra lock, someone could just barge in. There were cameras to make sure that he wasn't going to kill anyone after his past incidents, he only ever got to leave the facility to go see Atsuhiro for his therapy, and the company didn't even like letting him do that. They tried to get him to switch to a therapist they hired, and when he wouldn't, they only let him go in a company car that had a very tight schedule so he could never go anywhere after his sessions and had to be stressed out the entire time he was there that he might go over. 

Tomura didn't tell him that this wasn't his business, that he didn't care about that stuff as long as Dabi was still a warm hole to fuck, he heard him, said 'They can't treat you like that', and by the end of the week had gotten Dabi a cellphone so he could call for cabs on his own, made sure that Dabi could actually see and more easily access the money that he was making from selling his honey, had gotten permission for them to go off-site for their sessions, and had... given him a key so that he could come to Tomura's apartment when he wanted to be somewhere else for a while. He'd apologized because he knew that wasn't exactly private, but he did have a guest room with a lock on the door, and he wouldn't ever, ever open it, not unless Dabi told him he could or the building was actively on fire or collapsing. 

Dabi essentially moved in as soon as he did that, and by the end of the second month, Tomura listened to him again when he said he didn't want to be doing the work he was for Ambrosia. He didn't ask what he would do instead, didn't demand that he have a new job, didn't threaten to kick him out, he just listened, promised that he would keep listening if Dabi thought this over and wanted to talk it out, and told him that he loved him. He didn't know that all he had to do to leave was write a letter. But he looked up how to as soon as his lover was out the door and wrote it. He called up Shuichi and Toga to help him get his shit together, and by the end of the day, he had all of his boxes in Tomura's spare room.

In a few more months, Dabi will be selling his honey to some club his lover used to go to, only when he feels like it, Tomura will still be sweet to him, and there will be a moth plush sitting on their bookshelf alongside his firefly. In a year Dabi will manage to tell Tomura that he loves him. In three, he'll be able to let Tomura fuck him from behind with his lips pressed against the scars that are carved into his back. 

[poppet-siphonophore]

This is a post about Sylvester Lambsbridge from Web Serial Twig by Wildbow. He's Plural Btw.

(Warning: Major Spoilers for LITERALLY ALL of Twig. I can't talk about this without covering the entire story and talking very explicitly about the ending.) This is really a take I haven't seen anyone make about him ever before I don't think (not that many people are out here making takes about Sy, but) so here I am to loudly shout to twigblr that Sylvester Lambsbridge is plural and he makes factives of all the people important to him and he's a fucked up little freak about it. Now obviously Wildbow didn't write him to be plural. I think if he'd *tried* to write Sy that way he would've done a dogshit bad awful job, because he's Wildbow. That said, Sy's hallucinations of the Lambs (and later a number of other notable figures) that he conjures, who act with varying degrees of independence (especially later on in the story as he gets more unstable), match pretty closely with a lot of my experiences with being plural. The ways that each of his alters are interconnected and how they're tied into deep-rooted concepts (Duncan is Politics and Social Engineering, the Infante representing Power, etc) matches a lot with how things are structured with us. Also a lot of him is tied up in his fucked up relationships! Sylvester cultivates the people around him into the shapes that best please him. He does this because he is a very very traumatized, scared individual who was sold to or seized by the government and made into a child assassin when he was a toddler. They inject his brain full of neuroplasticity drugs which cause excruciating agony on the regular. This has, naturally, leads to him having an somewhat skewed worldview from someone from a more reasonable world. He views people as either Threats or Allies, and neither can be trusted fully, ever. Both can be manipulated, though for different purposes. For the Lambs of course he'd say that he was trying to help them thrive, help them get everything they want (and genuinely he does). But he still manipulates them actively, willingly, consciously, and deliberately. This means that fundamentally, no one can ever trust him (except Jessie but this post is long enough without getting into their relationship) and so he can't get the kind of human connection that he craves. This is where his alters supplement that human need for connection. All of Sy's alters are factives of real people (and monsters), both allies and enemies. The most powerful and concrete of them are the Lambs of course, as they're the closest thing he has to people he can trust and be vulnerable with. His alters serve to help him understand and predict them, since they will never trust him and open up to him in the way he craves (because A) he's Sy and B) they're all also sooooooooooooooo fucked up in their own ways :3). Sy's deteriorating memory also fits really really well through this lens because, well, dissociative amnesia! During the time that he was on his own and his mental state got worse and worse, more and more alters started forming. He starts losing more and more memories. This is just kinda stuff that can happen when you go through a big period of trauma and you're plural. It really just Fits. And the ending of Twig, well. The alter that was Sylvester is gone. Now the host is Lord Simon. Lord Simon is a somewhat more integrated person; a lot of the crowds and voices that built up alongside Sylvester got woven in. Fusion of alters is also a thing that happens, especially during big crises. A major headspace restructuring is also not particularly weird! This man is literally just part of a system. I think I've kind of finished what I was trying to say. No clue if this is coherent or if the people will care to read it, but here it is! Maybe I'll post more Twig thoughts in the future, who knows :3

[twilightmalachite]

Altered - Prologue 1

Author: Akira

Characters: Eichi, Wataru

Translator: Mika Enstars

EN Proofer: PitXRoxas

"How troublesome, they say that those being watched by Gods die prematurely."

Season: Winter

Location: Hospital Room (Private Room)

⚠️ This is an import from a unproofed Twitter Livetweet!

Two years prior to the establishment of ES, one month following fine’s subjugation of the Five Eccentrics. New Year’s Eve.

Eichi: (……)

(Hmm, there’s nothing interesting on.)

(The year-end SS tradition has no featured idols at its center, so it lacks its usual excitement.)

(All the other programs are low-budget rubbish with no substance.)

(Though, that’s just how it is any other year.)

(How boring…)

Wataru: —Hello~, are you alive?

Eichi: …… Y… You scared me.

Don’t scare me like that, Hibiki-kun. My heart nearly stopped.

Treat the sickly with care. Even someone like me knows it’s impolite to enter through the window… I don’t know how to react, you know.

Wataru: But my previous raid in this manner had such a good reaction![1] And so I decided to attempt another unexpected entrance!

Eichi: A raid, you say…

Wataru: As an entertainer, it is of utmost importance to successfully seize your attention!

Eichi: Are you an entertainer?

Wataru: Indeed. However, I still have not yet found humor that would please you. I am still figuring it out.

Repeat gags, slapstick, inside jokes… I hope to try all sorts of things to find your taste.

Eichi: You sure love to please others, Hibiki-kun. You try to make me laugh, despite the fact I should be your enemy, having trampled what is important to you.

Isn’t it madness at this point?

Wataru: That’s a compliment!

Eichi: I think it’s well-suited for performers and idols. I really respect you, and I truly mean that–not as sarcasm. I have for a long time now.

More importantly, do you have something to do with me? New Year’s Eve comes only once a year. Why spend it with me, your enemy, rather than your family?

I’m trying to guess why, but I just don’t understand. I’m ashamed to be so clueless.

Wataru: Hm~, there seems to be a misunderstanding.

—That performance has already ended.

The time of calling each other “friend” and “foe”, “righteous” and “evil” has long since passed, “Eichi”.

Eichi: I don’t understand. We’re not exactly on friendly enough terms to be calling each other by our first names, are we?

I gave you five geniuses the name of the Five Eccentrics and defined you as the root of all evil.

And I incited the public who were dissatisfied with the status quo to corner you completely.

That is how I weakened and isolated you, and established the DreamFes system to ensure victory over you—

I got rid of you all as the protagonist, the ally of justice.

And as thus, we fine have come to be hailed as heroes and revolutions who have saved the world.

As the author and the main character of the story, we have naturally been given a happy ending.

Happily ever after, and all that.

You are an outstanding actor who understood our clumsy script to the very T, actively improved it onstage, and performed it wonderfully to the end.

There’s no way you are unaware of the fraudulence in the story being circulated around, right?

I've been cruel to you.

So with you coming to visit me like this as if we are friends, I can’t help but find it eerie.

There’s no logic to it. It doesn’t make sense.

Wataru: Fufufu, do you think I’m causing you trouble to take pleasure in it?

Eichi: I’ve considered the possibility. This cheerful demeanor of yours isn’t consistent with the hedonistic personality I know from you.

If your goal is to hurt me, there are many other ways to go about it.

You could take over Yumenosaki while I’m away, and render the revolution I’ve accomplished the past two years meaningless.

You could visit my hospital room day after day disguising yourself, pretending to be the people I’ve involved myself with—spitting curse after curse at me.

Wataru: You sure come up with unpleasant things.

Eichi: I’m a gloomy person, it seems.

Wataru: Fufufu, it’s a mentality I’m not compatible with. I can only think about what a waste it’d be to spend precious time and energy to hurt another.

Yet, that is why you are such an interesting creature to me.

Eichi: How troublesome, they say that those being watched by Gods die prematurely.

Wataru: Though, I am no God. By engrossing yourself in acting onstage, you may lose touch with reality and who you truly are.

I fear that.

Eichi: ……

Wataru: That is why I rush to capture any slightest of emotion that arises within me, so I do not lose that humanity. That is also why I am here, speaking to you.

Being around you brings out all sorts of these feelings that are so hard to come by. This is what I have realized within the midst of all those festivities, up until now.

Eichi: Doesn’t calling them “festivities” make them sound a bit too fun?

Wataru: I truly did have fun. The war in Yumenosaki, the showdown between we the Five Eccentrics and you fine, was much like a blissful performance right out of a dream.

Everyone fought like their lives depended on it, and shook the world with their endless passion.

Because that performance was so enjoyable and satisfying, I can’t help but look forward to the” next” installment of excitement and fulfillment.

That is my ego as a performer, who only wishes to stand upon the best of stages.

Eichi: So you wish to repeat the same feud again? Is that what you want?

Please look elsewhere, then. There’s nothing left of me right now but the remains of debris. You won’t be able to get anything out of me, no matter how hard you squeeze.

Wataru: Yes, as of now it would be difficult. We, who stood side by side upon the same stage as you, are exhausted, too.

However, deep within your heart, there is passion that has not yet been extinguished. There’s a dream that sparkles brightly. There is heat like magma.

The other day, you saw the proposal and pipe dream of my beloved disciple, who shares passion like you do—That strange and insistent child, Natsume-kun.

The excitement that shone in your eyes then was no act or lie.

I wish to bet my soul on those promising eyes of yours for the “next” thing.

I felt if I stayed by this person’s side, he would surely take me to another dazzling, inspiring stage.

That is what I anticipate, much like a television kid looking forward to the next episode of a show.

Eichi: A television kid, huh? What a dated term.

Wataru: Influence from my parents, perhaps? They both are surprisingly quite old.

Eichi: Your parents… I have done thorough research to take you, the Five Eccentrics, down, but there is still so much I don’t know about you.

Wataru: I doubt you’d be able to find much more than what you have already researched. I am the type of performer so devoted to the stage that they neglect reality, after all.

Even if you pry into my private life, I am no more than a boring person with no interesting gossip to find.

Eichi: Instead, you put your skills as your performer, everything, towards the stage. I suppose that is why you’ve come to become such an outstanding genius.

story directory | next →

I’d like to imagine this is referring to the Christmas scene with Wataru, but I have no idea.

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Hello, I'm a humble fanfiction reader from the ancient times, when there was only a fanfiction.net, and I just came by to tell you, how much I adore your One Piece Stories. They really help me to calm down before sleeping and make me smile when my little world is crumbling. ❤️ I saw your post about the voices telling you lies and I would like to help, or at least distract you. 😉 So, here are my silly questions for you:

1. If you were a pizza, what kind of pizza would you be?

2. If you could choose a new color for the sky, what color would you choose and why?

3. If the One Piece was a cookie, do you think Luffy would eat it? 🤔

4. Captain Kid vs. Magneto, who would win?

5. Why are planets round-ish? Only wrong answers please.

6. What is your take on fake-pockets on pants?

7. If you could talk to people for the rest of your life in only one way, what would you choose:

a) rap-batteling

b) Musical singing

c) binary code

d) R2D2 beep-bops?

8. If you were a pirate, what would you call your crew?

9. Kiss-Marry-Kill: Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers, Pennywise? (I know, that's a hard one.)

10. Bite Shanks in the buttcheek or suck on Mihawks toe?

Ok, that's it for now. I hope it helps, Love. Stay strong, I'm rooting for you! ❤️

HELLO FELLOW FANFIC VETERAN ♥️♥️♥️ I still have an account on fanfiction.net. Not active in the least bit, but it's there, with earlier iterations of some of my fanfics here, from when I was in my mid-teens. Sometimes I like to go read them and have a little cringe for old times' sake.

I'm always so glad to hear that any of my work offers comfort in anyway. I write partly as a comfort to myself, and it's the same reason I started sharing it here after being inactive in the fan fiction community for over a decade. Was still writing, I just figured out over time that I garnered more enjoyment out of writing for myself than for an audience, and only started posting again once I learned that I can write for myself and still share it with others.

The asshole voices significantly settled down after I put my metal playlist on full blast and laid down with my headphones on. There's just a lot going on right now and my brain was being way too loud about it. I actually finished a chapter last night but it was just...ugh. Couldn't focus enough to edit or type my author notes.

1. New York style pepperoni, no question. I love pizza in all its forms, but being from New York (originally, and I want to go back so bad I curse my family for ever moving to this hell-state) the classics win out.

2. Green. Because planet Namek.

3. He would not hesitate for even a SECOND. And to be totally fair neither would I.

4. Magneto, particularly Ian McKellan's Magneto. You do not F around with super-villain-Gandalf, I do not care who you are.

5. The round shape of planets is a natural defense mechanism against black holes, which are far less likely to swallow spherical planets because they prefer...a square meal AHAHAHAHAAA okay sorry that was fcking awful i'll stop now

6. Fake pockets are the root of all evil. Especially fake pockets that are just deep enough for me to catch them on my kitchen cabinet/drawer handles.

7. Definitely beep-boops, no contest.

8. I am a pirate though okay, like that's my crew's jolly roger there above my masterlist, I'm just not the captain or a crew officer or anyone important, probably a janitor or something, anyway yeah Hurricane Pirates

9. Kiss Pennywise (1990 It was my first ever horror movie ♥️), Marry Freddie (he's hilarious and I love him), kill Mikey (it's not that I DON'T enjoy the Halloween movies, just not as much as other 80s slashers)

10. I cannot handle feet, but I will more than happily bite Shanks on the ass, and I somehow doubt he would complain.

This has been delightful thank you so much, I was even able to develop a gods-awful planet joke out of it that I will be subjecting absolutely everyone to ♥️ ❤️

[dirtytransmasc]

I agree with your take on Spider. Like no one shits on kids with absent fathers who still desperately crave a relationship or connection with them, and that's what it is with Spider and Quaritch. (+ all the other stuff)

Like the Sully kids refer to Spider as their brother, but it really isn't till the end that we really see Jake refer to Spider as his son, and it's clear that Neytiri doesn't view Spider as her kid. Spider actively hides from Neytiri in that one scene, it's clear that he thinks that Neytiri would go after him in that moment, and Jake does refer to Spider as a 'stray cat' in the beginning. We also can't forget that no once did either Jake or Neytiri really ever mention going back for Spider or try to actively rescue him once they find out that Spider is traveling with Quaritch.

It's also clear that none of the scientists that remained on Pandora ever really became any sort of real parental figure for Spider. They took care of them, yes, but they seem to do it out of a sense of responsibility since they can't send him back to Earth.

I really don't blame Spider for saving Quaritch, he's a kid that confronted with leaving his father to die and this is after Quaritch showed that he actually cared about Spider and viewed him as a son. (Letting Kiri go to stop Neytiri.)

exactly.

I can say as a kid with more then one shitty father figure, I would have probably done the same, no matter the circumstance. spider reacted on a childish impulse to save his father, to save the man who showed him mercy, who was kind to him, who saved his life.

I don't blame neytiri for her feelings towards spider, he is a physical reminder of all the pain she went through and u til what happened with Kiri there's no sign she was every anything more then indifferent to his face (behind closed doors is another story, but she did him the decency of avoiding rather then actively hating) but she played a huge role in how he reacted to quaritch, how desperate he was for connection for love and parental attention. I have a little less sympathy for Jake, he knew what it was like to be human in a na'vi world, he knew what it was like to be different (even human Jake knew that, knew it very well, spider is a human in a world not built for him, by definition, spider was disabled and Jake did little actually aid him). spider was strung between worlds, families, morals, and decisions no child should have to pick between. I say he did his damn best to try and please everyone and himself.

I also think people have to take into consideration, he never grew cold. that boy was faced with social isolation, losing his parents, being abused (by human quaritch as a little kid and then later again in life he was more emotionally used and abused by most of the people around him), neglect, being tortured, seeing his father hurt the na'vi and the tulkans, losing a brother, almost being killed by neytiri, and more (I feel like I'm leaving something out, but I can't remember it) and never once does he grow cold. he feels so much every time, has so much empathy, feels so much guilt and compassion. yet he never turns to violence, he is one of few characters who avoids bloodshed (he fucked up helping quaritch, and you can feel his guilt when he realizes what he's allowed to happen.) unless it's to protect his family (he's the last to put down his bow during the kidnapping) and even then it always feels like more of a bluff and front, like his raising his hackles and bristling up in defense. I think him saving quaritch shows he is more then capable of mercy and empathy, but also that he is the most capable of forgiveness and accepting change which will be important as this story continues (listen, ai know it's unlikely, but I'm rooting for the whole, quaritch connecting with eywa and reaching some sort of enlightenment and getting redeemed plotline, cause I like sappy shit like that) cause having someone so willing to forgive, to be hopeful that people can change to be the bridge between the sully family and whoever's to come is vital, cause the Sully's are only going to get colder as they lose more and more. they need that hopeful innocence to keep them a float.

[cer-rata]

I've heard you're writing a fic about Bao Pham! I don't know you and I don't know anything else about the fic yet, but I would like to. Please tell me about Bao Pham.

(Love Bao! Chapter one is actually already posted, but he doesn't appear until the upcoming chapter. A lil background: As a feature of this AU, Jason has broken away from Bruce completely, killed the joker and set himself up as the king of Crime Alley's underworld. Bao thought that was sick as hell and joined up to be one of his lieutenants.)

Bao handed the kid a controller--one of the worse ones because he worried that Lurch Jr. might accidentally crush anything he was given. Like he did the thermos…and the soccer ball and the rubik's cube. The kid grabbed it slowly, and Bao noticed that the veins on his hands…sort of looked like roots. That probably wasn’t normal.

“Uh, alright, big guy, you’re holding it right, so I figure you’ve used a controller before?”

The kid looked down at him, sad brown eyes framed by a pair of confused eyebrows. “...I guess.” He said finally. It sort of freaked Bao out to hear his voice, it wasn’t as deep as he expected, made him sound young--and he clearly was young, despite how fucking huge he was. That made everything feel worse.

“Okay, that's...Okay so you mainly just gotta try to jump over the blades.”

“Okay.” He died a couple times in rapid succession. The motor skills weren’t there. “...Oh,” He sighed. “I’m not good at this.”

Bao patted him on the bicep and Christ, why was his skin so cold?

“Hey, no, no you’re trying, this is normal, dying a lot is the bit. You just have to--”

“I think I was good at this.”

Bao’s lips twisted. “Y-yeah?”

“It’s familiar. Familiar enough to know that I’m bad at it.”

“You don’t have to be good, you’re playing a cartoon cube of meat, you can just fuck around and–”

“I think something bad happened to me.” He whispered, suddenly sounding close to tears.

Bao winced and looked down at his own hands. They were shaking, and not because he was afraid that the kid could crush his head like a grape.  

“...Yeah. Yeah I know, big guy. We’re…trying to figure it out. I’m sure Jason can dig something up, he knows way weirder people than us.”

The kid made a sound that Bao was going to call a laugh because he didn't want to acknowledge the other possibility. He leaned into Bao slightly, managing to not crush him even, which was hopefully progress on the body control.

“...Jason can dig something…up. Okay.” He paused. “Bao? You’re…Bao right?”

“Usually.”

“I like you.”

“Oh, w-well–”

“I like your name.”

“Uh, thanks--”

“I think it’s like…like food? Like a cute little food maybe?” 

Bao closed his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, yeah it’s like--”

“I think it fits. ‘Cause you’re cute and little.”

…Alright he didn’t know where to take that one.

“I’m neither of those things, kid.”

“Isn’t that why your hat is like it is? To make you look less cute and also taller?”

Did he just get roasted by a kid with maybe two active brain cells?

“Hey! There’s a story behind that helmet, and it’s got nothing to do with overcompensating--”

“What’s that thing on your helmet called?” 

Bao followed his sightline to where his helmet sat nearby on a table.

“Uh, I dunno what you--”

“The red thing.”

“The mohawk bit?”

“Yeah. It's... familiar. Feels like…he cares.”

Bao sat up a little straighter. “‘He?’ Who’s ‘he?’”

The kid sighed. “I dunno. I can’t see him in my head. Can’t see anything in my head.”

“...But! You might have known someone with a mohawk, and that’s a start.”

“Bad start.”

“In my experience, most starts are. And most finishes. And the middle parts too.”

The kid giggled. “Well, that makes everything okay.” He smiled, big and bright and warm. His eyes crinkled a little at the corners. Bao hadn’t seen him really smile yet. It was nice. It was genuine. It made Bao sick. It made Bao angry.

Someone was going to die.

[thrown-away-opinions]

All of the gender-affirming care is ostensibly about making sure a child will be able to live a fulfilling adulthood where they can pursue the romantic partners, and relationships, and so on, in a way that will make them the most happy.

And yet every single thing they're doing and insisting is life-saving care will actively destroy any possibility of a healthy sex life or relationship. Right off the bat, the dating pool is cut down drastically. This also goes for the pool of potential friends. Having children will likely be impossible. May as well cut out financial stability since they'll be paying for therapy and treatments and surgery their entire shortened lives to cope with the effects of puberty blockers destroying their bodies. The cherry on top being that they won't even be able to enjoy whatever sex they can get.

If you're an adult and that's what you want.. well, that's your choice. I can't stop you. Children, however, are in damned near every way incapable of fully grasping the long-term consequences of a decision that so many self-styled authority figures and experts and seemingly wizened adults are telling them is a life or death certainty and that it is worth destroying EVERYTHING in their lives all for the sake of some anxiety-driven mood instability that's being deflected onto gender identity, of all things.

(With how often these things go hand in hand with deep-rooted, untreated mental illness, I'd argue that many adults probably aren't fit to make this decision for themselves either, but that's a whole other can of worms.)

Speaking mostly for myself, when it comes to not wanting kids to transition, it's not about hating abnormality or wanting the queers to suffer and be miserable, or lashing out at people who are perceived as being a political opponent. Throw those ideas out entirely. Please. Just, for fuck's sake, ignore politics for 5 minutes. Understand that even just starting a kid on puberty blockers does life long damage and leads to conditions and diseases that will cripple them for life and leave them desperately dependent on the health care system to fix something that was foisted on them by mentally ill adults who abused ill-gotten authority and divisive politics to mutilate other people's children because it makes them feel like heroes, while they turn a blind eye and pretend not to notice what's happening to those kids after those treatments.

Even if you fully support transitioning as treatment, and I really don't think you should, no one should support transitioning for children or teens. It's monstrously evil.

[ciltilladeltilla]

I rolled a bunch of dice and looked at random words and pages in anthropology books. Some ideas for a setting:

Spirits are fundamentally unmoored from daily existence - they can appear where they please, and even in multiple places, but they can only interact through the traces they've left within it. Some people have the ability to interact with the spirits of their ancestors, though not everyone wants to. Beyond a burgeoning threat of paranoia, it's easiest to interact with spirits during periods of high tension where you feel your life most keenly. Because of this some professions are best suited to talented folks in certain lineages - like acrobats who dance on scaffolds of swords and advisors who drink venom in periods of crisis. People fake these talents at their own discretion.

The older a spirit, the more spread out their influence. Organized religion mostly exists to enshrine and sanctify certain ancestors, usually conquerers or figures deep in prehistory in periods of recovery from near-extinction. These are figures who many people can call on in their hours of need, but who are somewhat abstracted from human problems because they're everyone's many-times-great-grandparents.

Spirits themselves regard the period where traces are 'active' as a kind of second life, and the point where they become fuzzier, or so spread out as to make a muddle of things, a second senescence.

In a highly-contested monarchy or similar regime, deaths tend to rhyme. A trap secured under the palatial bed runs on a switch buried in the floor where no one can see, molded by the ruler's hands and set in place personally. A person who escapes this kind of vengeance is treated like someone who navigates a terrible storm - foolhardy, but laudable.

Night patrols are established when the throne sits empty for too long, maintaining different borders according to the memories of a half-dozen successive revolutionaries. A long-standing ruler emerges by taking advantage of these groups as a resource and promoting them as a symbol of the public good, the inherent civil nature that polices the interims of anarchy. Nature abhors a vacuum; these are the hands of Nature.

A few generations on, several attempts have been made at legitimating an equal-but-opposite group, one that exists purely to form and maintain power vacuums. A few attempts fizzle out under the force of the state, or else receive pittances of compromise about how strongly certain laws are enforced. Eventually a group emerges who see their complementary autonomous spaces as already existing.

Because outcasts, exiles and criminals can still interact through things they've built and influenced, special care is taken to rooting out as much of their personal effects as possible when they're beyond rehabilitation. (Some artisans specialize in replicating different sorts of object for these eventualities, often as a service provided by local government.) Those things that can't be destroyed for one reason or another are kept away from the general populace.

The autonomists blow the doors off of these sites and establish amorphous, forbidden zones dancing with relics all reenacting a dozen historical periods. Even after their suppression, splinter groups travel seeding cults, claiming that the world itself is the accretion of even greater, more primordial ancestors and that the current state of things is just the long road to animism.

[blueteller]

The tragic truth behind Cale's self-denial – and a surprising twist...?

So this is not new information, exactly, but... I haven't exactly put it together before, at least not in order. There is an actual reason why KRS-Cale grew up to be a complete tsundere in denial of his feelings. And sadly, that goes beyong the surface of being "an abused orphan".

(Spoiler alert for those who haven't finished the novel)

So, remember how KRS inherited some of White Star's curse due to his original body being stolen through reincarnation by Cale Barrow? The curse states that "you can never cherish anything ever again".

Obviously, poor KRS wouldn't know about it. He would live his life while unknowingly suffering under the curse, losing his loved ones through various random circumstances: death, abandonment, distance, abuse et cetera. However, if something like that would happen to a person – especially someone as observant as KRS – he would be bound to eventually figure out a pattern.

And the pattern was, "I lose the people I openly care about".

It resulted in not just in KRS being distant to his colleagues; it resulted in him being in denial on purpose. Think about it: as long as he can convince himself that he doesn't care, that means the curse could be fooled into leaving other people alone.

In other words, KRS grew up conditioned to believe that "as long as I am a terrible person who only cares about my own interests... then people won't leave me."

So here's the twist. As terrible and heartbreakingly sad as this whole thing is... I'm curious – do you figure that KRS's efforts actually paid off?

I think they have!

Think about it! It was stated that KRS "was a cold bastard but really good at his job". His job was saving people. His job was keeping people alive against monster attacks. You want to tell me Cale doesn't care about people? Pfff, please! The guy obviously has a huge bleeding heart for anyone in trouble. If the curse really targeted the people around KRS on a bigger scale, it would explain why the shelter KRS was staying at when he was 20 met such a terrible end. He cared, and as unfair as it is (damn that God of Death's unreasonable cursing method) that meant it affected the people in KRS's close proximity, even if they weren't close friends.

(Like, consider this: Park Jin Tae originally survived against the odds, as he "ran away last". KRS definitely DID NOT LIKE HIM, since the man beat him up and humiliated him on a regular basis. So ironically, KRS's dislike turned into a blessing.)

Even without knowing about the curse, KRS must have subconsciously realized the root cause. So he went like: "okay, if me caring is the problem... then I shall stop caring". He totally scammed his own curse!!

Now, if that was Cale Barrow – the person that the curse was originally intended for – I doubt loophole that would have worked. In the end, the only thing White Star was able to care about was himself (and he died quite often and very painfully, judging from the context) and the curse itself (which eventually came true as Cale was able to destroy it). But from what we know about the God of Death, he was trying to remove the curse from KRS, but without much success. He would certainly be all for KRS dodging the curse's effects – since we were told that the God of Death liked humans who managed to avoid their fate. He would be like: "You don't care about people, huh...? Seems legit. Pass!"

KRS's self-denial was so good it actually worked. It actively protected people around him. And KRS was subconsciously aware of that! Isn't that crazy?! He was proud of being a terrible person, a "trash", someone who only cared about himself, because that helped the people around him! AND HE KNEW THAT!!!

...But then... LSH & CJS happened. 😭

Just imagine it... for so many years, KRS's self-denial worked so flawlessly. He cared for people secretly from afar, keeping them safe and his own emotions in check. And then he was put on a team with LSH and CJS. One person who saved him, his role model, his own personal hero. The other a friendly, warm guy who never cared for boundaries. No matter how hard KRS tried to keep his distance, they wouldn't let him. And the two of them were so capable, too! So strong and good at protecting themselves. Slowly but surely, KRS's resolve began to crack. By the time he realized how much he loved them, it was too late.

At some point a shy, tiny voice said probably whispered in KRS's head...

"Maybe it would be okay to care about them...?"

...Aaand then... the curse came back for KRS with vengeance.

How does that fit with the fact that KRS was the one that was supposed to die? Simple: there are two ways you can lose those you cherish. One, they are forced to leave. Two, you are the one forced to leave. Remember how LSH's favorite saying was that "Being alive is the best"? Weeell... as we all know, Cale really took that to heart. And since he started to cherish his own life... it was first at the line of fire for the curse.

It was either him or the other two. LSH and CJS willingly chose the second option.

At this point, KRS's heart is broken to pieces. He's like, "I knew it. This is my fault, because I let myself care about them. I am NEVER making that mistake again."

He becomes a team leader, "cold but very good at his job". He doesn't let himself have another "person he loved to death, nor a friend he would give his life to save". He keeps his distance from everyone. He is lonely and very, very miserable because he's trying his best to keep others safe, while entirely convinced that he's a bad person who doesn't care about other people.

Talk about being a master at self-delusion!

...And then we arrive at the start of the novel.

KRS's first reaction to being in a new world without any close friends or family? It's pure RELIEF. He's like, "I became someone with a reputation of being trash? Perfect!" His experience taught him that as long as he keeps distance from people, things will turn out okay. Sure there is the protagonist and the plot of tBoaH to deal with, but Cale is fairly convinced that it won't be a problem. "I've always lived my life alone. Surely, it will be no different this time."

But it is different now. Because the curse is no longer there.

It's hilarious to watch Cale being constantly confused by people liking him. He's like, what the hell?? People never liked him before! He's trash, after all! He only cares about himself. It has to be the truth! ...Right?

It's a habit integrated into his brain from many years now: everything helpful he does must be due to some hidden self-interest. He's convinced himself that he's only looking for ways to use people. The few things which he admits to himself that are less self-serving (such as helping starving children), he's like "That's basic human decency, really! ANYONE would do that! Doesn't mean anything."

My last point to prove this theory: it always confused me how Cale connected the fact that White Star's curse applied to him in his previous life. No one explicitly told him or explained it to him, after all. I was like "Wait wait, HOW did you come to that conclusion so fast without any evidence to back it up??" White Star having a similar face to KRS could have been some weird coincidence. The only real proof Cale gets is the fact that in the Sloth test his past-self was targeted by Hunters due to "being marked by the God of Death". Cale came up with the curse theory much earlier than that.

This is what convinced me that I'm right. Subconsciously, Cale KNEW. He always did – he must have felt it. He had been cursed, but after his transmigration, it ended. This is the only explanation.

Conclusion? KRS became a tsundere in self-denial because he wanted to cheat the system and keep people safe from his curse. And surprisingly, he succeeded.

This man is amazing.

[yesimwriting]

To Be Alone

VAGUE SPOILER WARNING FOR SHADOW AND BONE BOOK SERIES-- I try hard not to mention why the Darkling/General Kirigan is the bad guy so that I don’t spoil anything,, but the reader finds out that he lies about his identity and that he’s super sketchy/not a good guy (again,, I avoided as many specifics as possible to keep it from being spoiler-y)

Warnings: lowkey manipulation, kissing/makeout, slight fingering

A/n y’all drove me to this lol,, pls be nice!! This is the closest to full on smut I’ve ever written!! Ahh I’m lowkey scared to post

Summary: the reader finds out something about the Darkling/General Kirigan, he finds a way to convince her to stay 

--

No amount of evidence will ever be enough to convince me fully. A part of me will always hold onto unjustifiable doubt because a part of me hopes that if I hold onto the lies tight enough they’ll turn into the truth. But that’s not how the world works. 

General Kirigan. Ravka put its faith in him. I put my faith in him. I did more than that. I pushed aside my reservations and doubt in order to try and comfort him when he spoke of loneliness. Was all that a lie as well? 

No. I can’t afford to think of the emotional side of it all, because if I do I may find myself incapable of moving from this spot. I don’t have time to reflect on it all, to try and unravel hopeful lies and manipulative truths. That can be done when I’m not here. If I stay here, he’ll know I know and he’ll stop me from...what? What am I supposed to do next? I could find someone with some level of power to warn. 

“There you are.” Kirigan. I’m turned towards the window, not facing him, but there is no weariness or malice in his voice. He has no reason to suspect my suspicion. “Are you unwell?” 

Calm. I need to pass as calm. Not turning, I force myself to ignore the endearing hint of concern in his voice. “No.” I can hear his measured footsteps. “Why would you think that?” 

“I haven’t seen you all day,” he’s directly behind me now. If I turn, I’ll practically be against his chest. “And you didn’t come see me last night.” 

Oh. I knew it was a mistake to begin to pull on such a small thread so close to when he expected to see me, but it kept gnawing on me. That doubt. That tiny thing I couldn’t ever let go off. “I fell asleep.” No--I cringe at my impulsive response. He knows how difficult it is for me to fall asleep. “Yesterday was just really...draining.” 

In an easy movement, he places his hand on my shoulder. It’s a silent request for me to turn. Exhaling, I obey. Why? I could lie to myself and say that I’m listening to him in order to kill his suspicions, but the effect he has on me is undeniable. Even before touching each other became a casual thing on his part, my body wanted to react to him. 

He’s quick to cup my face, tilting my chin up slightly so that I can’t avoid his gaze. “What troubles you, little dove?” A nickname for when he’s feeling particularly gentle. Thoughts of the evil he has to be twist my stomach as my face flushes. Kirigan’s thumb brushes over the corner of my bottom lip, stalling as I fight the urge to melt into the contact. I meet his tense gaze cautiously. “You said nothing could make you look at me differently.” No. There’s no way he figured out my change with one look alone. I’ll deny it. I’ll do what I need to do to be convincing, and then I’ll manage to escape. His grip on my shoulder tightens. “Don’t you dare lie to me again.” 

The urge to snap and point out the sick irony of him telling me not to lie at him almost forces me to break. His gaze starts to shift away from me--towards the half packed escape bag I’d been in the middle of constructing. I stretch my arms forward, desperate to keep his gaze on me and away from what I can’t explain. 

Kirigan’s free hand moves to pull my hand off of his cheek, but he pauses, eyes shutting in peaceful contentment. “What do you know?” 

I expected his words to be angry, to border on violent...but he just sounds tired. Please, Saints, let me be wrong. “Is there anything to know?” The only reaction I get is the slightest stall of his breathing. “You said you didn’t want to be alone anymo--” 

“I don’t.” The harshness of his words almost coax a small flinch from me. 

Swallowing back the knot in my stomach, I exhale slowly. “A part of not being alone is being honest.” 

His eyes finally open. I don’t dare move as he moves my hand off of his cheek so that he can brush his lips against my knuckles. I suppress an embarrassing shudder. “You wouldn’t have stayed--if you knew you wouldn’t ha--” 

No denial. I can’t--I can’t do this. “You know what the worst part is?” I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I can’t believe it’s true. “I might have.” Those words break something in me as I force myself away from him. The lack of contact leaves me more frozen than ever. “I might have! I might have been able to bear all the monstrous things you’ve done if you had just--” 

“What?!” He meets my outburst with one of equal power. “You might have stayed regardless?” The way he scoffs leaves me feeling like a wandering child. “You might have still looked at me like I hung the stars in the sky instead of like I’m the darkness they fight against?” I stay silent as he steps forward, quick to hold my chin in place with his long fingers. “I couldn’t risk you on possibility.” Kirigan’s gaze is so intense, a part of me is surprised that shadows don’t come at me--drowning me in darkness and him. “And don’t think me foolish enough to believe that someone like you would understand that I have to do what I’m doing--” 

“Have to?” No--how did I almost let him lure me back in so easily. I pull myself away, approaching my open wardrobe. “That’s not past tense.” He’s still--he’s still actively hurting people. Why had I been so stupidly naive to think that maybe this was all history? “I--I can’t do this.” 

Each step towards the exit of the room chips away at a piece of my soul. “You’re not walking away from me,” his strong grip is on my arm in a sharp instinct, “I won’t--I can’t be alone again.” 

I swallow back the lump of emotion in my throat. “You already are.” 

His eyes are pleading, pools of frightened adoration. “No--no,” he steps towards me, not releasing his grip on my arm, “You’re hurt that I lied, but now I’ll never have to lie to you again.” I push against his grip. Kirigan doesn’t release me. “Y/n,” my name is a lament from his lips, “Please.” 

My eyes round out as my heart leaps into my chest. “I used to think that you were only touched by the darkness, but now I’m not sure you can tell where the darkness ends and you begin.” His grip just barely falters. Maybe it’s acceptance. 

I shift weakly, a softer attempt to escape. His grip tightens even more than before as he tugs me forward. The reminder of his physical strength leaves me frozen in shock. I can’t read his expression, but something about him has darkened. When I don’t pull away again, his thumb brushes up and down my forearm. The silkiness of his touch is warm temptation. I inhale slowly as he moves his other arm in order to touch my shoulder. The contact is almost shy. 

“Kirigan,” my voice betrays me, breaking as his fingers trace down my collar, “What--what are you doing?” 

He tilts his head, taking in the way his touch rids my body of fight. “Nothing, really.” His voice is low, supple in its assuredness. “You’re the only person who has ever seen me--and for you to leave me after that.” 

“No,” I try to step back, but my body freezes as he toys with the collar of my dress, “What I saw--what I found out--that wasn’t you.” 

“It’s who I have to make myself be,” he whispers, “I’m doing what needs to be done.” 

“That logic can earn you a lot,” my words are careful, “But it cannot earn you me.” 

His hand brushes past my neck, finding the root of my hair. Kirigan pulls on it slightly, forcing me to expose my lower jaw and neck. I’m still as he leans forward, warm breath fanning across my skin. I fight against a shiver in vain as his lips brush down my skin, only stopping as he nips the base of my neck. I can’t help the small sound of surprise that escapes me. 

“Are you sure about that?” Blood rushes to my face, motivated by both embarrassment and something else. “Little dove, don’t ruin us.” His touch is warm, but his words leave me with an uncomfortable chill. In an attempt to escape the coldness, I half-press myself into the trail of soft and desperate kisses he’s leaving down my neck.

Kirigan pauses, exhaling slowly, and I feel some mental strength return to me. “There can’t be an us--not like this.” 

“Y/n.” He never uses my name. “You are the only light I know.” His words steal something from me as he pulls away enough to look me in the eyes. “I can’t handle the weight of solitude anymore--it’s worse than the dark.”

 I am unflinching, watching him with a markman’s care. Kirigan takes my silence as a positive. I don’t move as his gaze drops to my lips before he presses his own together. I don’t move as he destroys the distance between us like it’s some type of unbearable weight. His lips meet mine with enough force to bruise my face. The surprise of it gives him the chance to coax my lips into parting as his hands move to either side of my face. My body reacts without my permission, letting him deepen the kiss. Every time I find some kind of free will, Kirigan pushes it away with some kind of tactful lull of his tongue. Keeping his control, Kirigan ends the kiss by grazing sharp teeth against my bottom lip. 

I’m left panting. “You’re--you lied, Kirigan--I--” 

“You told me once you could never see me as a monster.”

“I said that to a version of you that technically doesn’t exist.” 

The grief in my chest and desire in my stomach twist in a nauseating way. Kirigan’s eyes watch me patiently, a pain similar to my own reflected in them. “Who I am when I’m with you is less fictitious than any identity I’ve ever given myself.”

The vulnerability in his voice is as alluring and distracting as the kiss. I find myself thinking of the warmth of his mouth against my skin. He had kissed me like the cure for ancient solitude could come from me. I think he had a point, because now that he’s not touching me in that way I feel the familiar tugs of cold emptiness. 

“I don’t understa--” My words are cut off by his lips brushing against mine. 

His touch is soft, but it’s far from shy as he draws out the kiss. It’s an attempt to keep me on edge, to keep me wanting him enough to push past my doubts. “Y/n,” there’s a reverent quality to his voice, “I--” Kirigan grabs the collar of my dress, pulling me to him sharply. His kiss conveys things that neither of us truly understand. “Don’t go.” 

I don’t want to. The realization is a cruel wave crashing against my chest. “You lie to everyone, you lie to me--you--you hurt and destroy and I--” One of his hands brushes against the hem of my dress. “What are you,” the words are supposed to be sharp, but my resolve melts as his hand presses firmly against my thigh, “Doing?” 

“You know me,” he draws out each word as his fingers graze towards the inside of my thighs. The cool metal of his rings are practically ice against my flushed skin. “Little dove, trust me.” 

My nails dig into my palms as I try to ignore what he’s doing. “I did and you betrayed me.” 

“I couldn’t lose you,” he whispers, thumb inching up my inner thigh.

I press my lips together, fighting against a natural reaction. “You did lose me.” 

Kirigan’s eyes darken as his grip on my thigh tightens. “We’ll move past this.” He’s both pleading and assured. “I think I know how to make it up to you.” He trails his hand up my thigh swiftly, stopping with his hand on my lower hip. Shamelessly, he toys with the hem of my underwear. “The only thing that’s really changed is that now I’m touching you like this.” 

The only thing I can do is gape at him. He’s a villain, his hands are coated in unnecessarily spilled blood, and I am helpless against his slightest touch. I should try pushing him away or at the very least resist his blatant advantages. His fingers brush down my underwear, stopping at a growing wet spot. The knowing look he gives me burns my core. I try to keep my expression hard in a final form of protest, but when he presses his pointer finger against me all the resolve in me is shattered. 

My eyebrows draw together as a small sound escapes me, “Kirigan.” I can’t tell if it’s praise or a warning. 

He pauses, hand retracting slightly at my whining. “Y/n,” his other hand cups my cheek. I lean into the contact without permission from my body. “There is only one name that I have not given myself and only one name I want to hear you breathe like that.” His thumb traces my lips softly. I don’t move as he leans forward, turning his lips towards my ear. 

“Aleksander.” His name is nothing more than a breath, a stolen heartbeat on his lips. 

He presses his fingers against where I’m the weakest again. My hips grind forward instinctually, desperate for more contact as he kisses the top of my jaw. 

“Aleksander.” The name escapes me in the form of a broken moan. Speaking it feels more intimate than the way he’s touching me. 

There’s the slightest pause in his consuming actions. “Again,” he breathes, “Say my name again.” His request is so soft it feels like he’s more at my mercy than I am at his. 

My eyes shut as his teeth graze my neck. “Aleksander.” At the sound of his name, his teeth brush against my skin harder than ever. 

When he starts to pull away, I reach out desperately, grabbing his kefta. “I thought you wanted to leave, little dove.” 

No. No. He is not going to get me to agree to stay by giving me something as intimate as his original name and by denying me his touch. “Please.” 

He reaches for my hand, pulling it off of him cruelly. “Do you want to stay with me?” 

I know which answer will get me what I really want, but I’m not sure which answer is true. Do I want to stay with him? Even after knowing what he’s done? “I don’t want to leave you.” The vulnerability of the statement cracks at my heart. He turns away from me in order to face the wall. I take a tentative step towards. “But I’m not sure what I want matters.” 

In one quick motion, he’s yanking more forward and pressing me into the wall. “Of course desire matters,” his body is pressed against mine almost entirely, “It means something.” He brushes his knuckles against my cheek. “It means you could choose me.” 

What could I say to that? I part my lips to speak but he silences me by pressing his lips against my jaw. I offer no protest as he starts touching me the way he did earlier. I’m more desperate now, more needy and okay with that. His fingers slip past my underwear testingly, hesitating before finally entering me slowly. 

“Aleksander,” my voice is so needy I’m not sure it’s my own. 

“I want you to say my name like that again,” he whispers, kissing down my collarbone as he begins to press his fingers in and out of me faster, “And I want you to say my name casually,” his pace doesn’t slow, even when I begin to let out indistinguishable whines, “And I want you to say my name while you’re falling asleep,” his touch becomes more aggressive as his words become more sincere, “And I want you to say my name every other way there is to say it.” 

The bundle of nerves in the pit of my stomach grows until there’s nothing else for me to hold onto. I finish with a sharp gasp. The feeling of euphoria is only intensified as Aleksander begins to kiss up my jaw before finally pressing our lips together. 

I break the kiss first, desperate to breathe. Have my legs been so shaky this entire time? Aleksander lets me recover, resting his head against my forehead. “I’m tired of being alone.” 

I imagine all the foul acts he’s committed and all the bad he wants to bring. I picture all the innocent blood he’s spilled. I see all of it--every horror and dark deed he’s ever committed. But I cannot see me leaving him. Maybe that makes me a monster, maybe that makes me an idiot...but I can’t do it. 

Slowly, I move to drape my arms over his back in a loose hug. “You’re not alone, Aleksander.” I’m not sure what that signifies, but I know it’s true. There has to be good in him. No one capable of such warmth can be pure evil. “I choose you.” 

[plutoswrath]

☾ They way we are wired: the IC/Moon/4th house and your emotional patterns and responses ☽

Aries IC/Moon/4th: Home was an area of proof. Proof the self and prove the others, similar to Scorpio IC/Moon/4th, the marsian nature of this placement triggers a survival mode and creates someone who’s first instinct is to react and challenge their opponent. Home could have also been a battle ground of some sort and the individual might have realised that the only way to overcome this force of aggression is to rely on the self or find people to align to. Naturally this can give someone tendencies to retreat and chose the themself, but not in the intention to harm, but because the survival mode is triggered. They might have learned to follow their impulses, because the quicker they react, the faster they have the upper hand of a situation, and while this method does saves time and trouble, this could have easily lead to worsening their situation, and thus they can also fall back into a lesser known method: strategically planing their (loved ones/goals/desires) survival. As they know no other than bravely facing the world, their open nature can become inviting for people that want to try them, though out of experience, they will not take their enthusiastic nature for granted. Likewise these people are power houses that can have the tendency to forcefully and sometimes without consideration push those aside that limitat them. 

Taurus IC/Moon/4th: Usually, these people have been raised with a sense of satisfaction, stability was a priority for the parents, so the child seeks the same comfort and worries for the future can motivate them deeply to take action. Tough the satisfaction doesn’t have to include emotional fulfullment always, as the parents made their values and priorities very clear. Likewise this individual will walk through the world with (at best) set priorities and will actively try to meet their own standard. Anything that threatens to make this tower collapse will force them to react, and depending on their inner security and self-worth/esteem they can react quiet drastic and dramatic even, as this is the time when the bull will fall into it’s tantrum. This can also lead into destructive and forceful ways to either withold, keep or get what brings them pleasure or eases their mind. If they feel that there’s something lacking in their life, they usually practically and persistently work towards it and at best aren’t easily shaken, but there is a great sensibility inside of them, that can cloud their mind equally with fear and the realization of what is and isn’t healthy for them (emotionally and physically) could only come after a peroid of walking through the mudd for far too long. 

Gemini IC/Moon/4th: This persons ubringing was most likely unstable and inconsistent, which is most likely reflected by the behaviour of one of their parental figures (or both). Likewise, they had to allow, as well as endure, uncertainty in their childhood. Thus, they are flexible and adaptive and thus can appear as very affable but there is a lack of perspective and continuity in their life that can cause them to lose track which results in them having to reorient themself (which they can find much pleasure in at times). This can be traced back to their parents, as either  both parents reflected the other so much, that they could have formed to seemingly one individual (this can also hint to a single parent having to take on ‘two roles’). If the native has siblings, this reflecting of one another can also happen between them, thus the individual automatically sets themself apart from the rest in their mind. As the child grows up, it might realise that it could lack perspective and purpose and emotions that help them connect the dots, to now the person could fall back into rationalizing everything in order to make sense out of it. There is strong need to communicate to release tension, they listen to all because they try to at least understand all. While this can help building a distance to overwhelming emotions and situations, the problem also lies exactly in the inability to allow the self to become closer to those bigger concepts and grande emotions which leave them dissatisfied or even more confused. 

Cancer IC/Moon/4th: These people always come back to their roots: Usually, they handle from experience and knowledge that is passed over, when the IC/Moon/4th house is in cancer, the individual will find themself in a very strong and empathized conenction with their family - doesn’t matter if it’s more on the positive or negative side. Here the individual will find themself having to care for (generational) family matters and thus can connect well to the emotions and affairs to others, but often times neglect themself. With a bond so deep, they (surprisingly for some) can come off and become pretty detached, as they at one point can be easily overwhelmed with the emotional bagagge and responsibility they carry. They either detach and seek to break the conenction with whatever bothers them, or they embrace the situation and ‘clean up’ the mess. These individuals will find themself too much inclined with other peoples emotions and/or problems, and usually will grow to become independent (financially and emotionally) in order to adapt a more objective perspective. These people can be incredibly enduring and persistent in their approaches to others/situations and they allow time to speak, though, they sometimes should know when to let go and build distance for their own good. 

Leo IC/Moon/4th: Home could have literally functioned like a pack, it doesn’t matter if the person has siblings or not, even though home was a place for experiencing joy, creativity and warmth, it was also a place of hierarchy. These people usually have a very complex relationship to others - at one hand they need their pack, it’s their support system, their backbone when they have a hrd time standing up by themselves and they do need the validation and recognition, but at the same time they could feel threatened by people overpowering them, the idea of being too dependend on the love and support of others makes them doubt themselves and distrustfull and often times they feel the need to prove their strength or worth, just as a lion has to fight off a challenger, not only for the pack, but also for the pride. They either come back to their supportive ‘pack’, as they usually create this safe space of trust, comfort, security, encouragement and love, or they become prideful, bold and loud and try to get the upper hand and authority back. The strong desire to prove worth and obtain love might stern from a difficult relationship with a parental figure. There might have been not a healthy amount of attention given to the individual. 

Virgo IC/Moon/4th: This person comes from a place of just and order. Here, they fall back into disecting the world and people around them, they are driven to find a solution. They can easily get hung up on small emotions/details, there is a potential to overanalyze situations, but the thought of order is imprintent in their minds, acting ‘rightful’ and ‘appropriate’ makes them orient themself to any kind of rule or pattern they can follow. These individuals want to avoid the feeling of embarassement/shame, probably due to past issues in their homelife, so they calculate possible outcomes right from the beginning. They prevent. With this placement though, people usually experiences a ‘lack of’ in their homelife. This could have been caused by a permanentely dissatisfied parental figure, even though the wound is emotional, the solution or apparent problem mainfested as something materialistic and this mindset is carried on as they grow up. Though these people seem to think about everything, the challenge appears when their solutions in the 3D world are not enough: when they have to face their and otehrs feelings as the working surface they can find themself irritated and trying to escape the ‘irrationality’ and feelings in their perception of logic. They need to pay attention to not become too controling, compulsing or discrimenating and trust others. 

Libra IC/Moon/4th: This persons upbringing was deeply influenced by the realtionships in their family, and strongest by the ones of their parents. It can se the tone of the way they lead all their connections and calls for a deeper self reflection and a sense for self-determination and initiative from the individuals side. It’s true that the image one gave off and focusing on the others played a major role in the way they were raised. Here, the individual might have a strong desire to put things 'back into place', they try to rebalance and adjust everything, their own and others emotional states, because only if harmony is reached, then peace can be sought after. The focus here can sometimes lie too much on the superficial aspects, as they might have experiences that as they grew up the way things were presented to the public eye were one of the outmost important aspects of being raised and thus they can also mistake other feelings as their own. Regardless, it could have pleased their parental figures a lot, so now they fall back into 'pleasing the self and others'. This can lead to shallow behaviour in order to keep the native safe and sound, but their deep understanding of how people function and things just connect to each other can makes them equally caring and loving, but holding a healthy balance between those two aspects seem to be the difficulty here.

Scorpio IC/Moon/4th: These people come from a very vulnerable place. The homelife might have forced them to go through extremes that induced a lot of fear inside of them, causing them to be extra cautious and sensitive towards their environment. They might carry a deep sens eof responsibility for others as well, as their homelife could have relected the merging of affairs and ressources of the parental figures and the consequence of being each others responsibility. A Scorpio IC/Moon/4th house can give anyone a very emotional and deep side and if the situation calls for it, trigger a survival instinct inside of the native. They might cling to people more than other expect or use methods to guarantee their own well-being and safety that have the potential cross boundaries/limits. These individuals could have seen and experienced a lot, so they come prepared and stand their ground. Can be surprisingly 'lone wolfs', because they too need their time alone when hurt and appreciate not only solitude but loyal people in their life, and they usually walk through fire for those who are worth it.

Sagittarius IC/Moon/4th: The upringing most likely left the individual on their own at one point or another, it doesn’t mean that the parents were not loving or careful, but absent at some point and left the native to travel alone and find their ways. These individuals only want to be unhindered and free. They grew up with big ideals that could also been imprinted by their parents, though equally confronted with all the world has to offer and at the same there could have been strong believes that made them feel small, caged in, clouded their perception and thus triggered their sense for self-determination. Whenever they feel pressured they search for the best way to become free again, this can trigger a very reactive side of them, they will let go without any warnings and search for new, safer grounds, because for them there's always a next destination that surely will offer a better stay. This can make them appear lonely to others (though these people have the ability to attract new friends easily with their curious nature), but falling can feel like flying to them, so even though part of the journey they'll be alone, they mostly enjoy it.

Capricorn IC/Moon/4th: The upringing here had the fulfillment of necessities as one of the top priorities and the focus on the materialistic world might have made on of their parental figures a strict judge and often times turned the air around them cold. Being used to uncomfortable weather though, these people can pretty much turn on a steel mask and just walk through the toughest storms if it comes down to it - they are experienced in handling difficult situations and being on their own. Being self-sufficient and rationalizing precarious situations to get the control back is their talent, but mostly because it has always been that way. There was always something missing and a possible distance towards their parental figures, so they learned quickly how to get it all themselves or how to be on their own when their parents (consciously or unconsciously) decided to seperate the child from the source of care and warmth. They usually accept the solitude that comes with it, because things just have to get done somehow. But they should be reminded not to overuse this 'special ability', because it can make them feel very out of touch with their emotions and themself.

Aquarius IC/Moon/4th: Either this individual found themself set apart by circumstances caused by their family or society, or there was an individual attempt to own themself and their differences compared to the rest of their family. These people most likely experienced a frequent change in their home life, either their family constellation changed abruptly or their home setting, regarldess, this caused them to build a distance to either people or places. This distance can bring not only a objectivity and practicality to their approaches, but also an usually unjust associated coldness. These people have used their (sometimes unwanted) freedom for their own benefit at best and value their opportunities to go out in the world and recognize themselves in various people/concepts/places, thus this makes them a person that not only connects easily with the greater collective, but also might find themself fighting for what is not theirs. This can be due to an avoidant attachement style, but often times their search for themself in this wide world makes a limit of self expression, freedom or peace the biggest trigger. If someone challenges their boundaries they either get surprisngly reactionary or can easily cut them off. They are okay with moving on and leaving places or people - or at least have accepted this as a part of their own progress -, but at times it can appear too easy and should raise the question of when to deepen the bond for others. 

Pisces IC/Moon/4th: They come from a place of universal love and understanding. The household involved parental figures that were not transparent and made them rely on their gut instinct and intuition, yet, could have deceived the child by witholding information or family secrets. It's not guaranteed that these people had a safe upbringing, because they were most likely flooded with emotions and other peoples energies, thus making them highly sensitive and receiving, even if they don't want to. Chances are high that they too quickly were exposed to emotional affairs and secrets of the family they could not understand and might have had to act as their parents pandora box, filled with all that should rather be left unseen and unheared. These people will most likely fall into a deep state of retrospective, they either take things as they are or need to emotionally 'digest' them. These people often 'surrender', meaning they either go back in receiving mode and understand and accept. Thus, they can be very forgiving as well, once they made their sense out of it. People can take advantage of this trait, or the individual themself might not realize that their cut their own flesh at times. The sensitivity of these people may not be as surprising as with Scorpio IC/Moon/4th people, because it always radiates in the way they connect with the world and people.

[oatmealcrisp-freak]

Previously in Yandere!Teruhashis I've really enjoyed no-powers Saiki because that'd be an irony hell for him right out of the ‘Nendo saves him from a bookshelf’ chapter

But lately I've been thinking more about a Saiki who still has powers and still can’t figure out a way to save himself by himself because nothing like reverse telepathy or his nanana is working - the behaviour is too deeply rooted, and though resetting the clock on the trigger that leads her to ultimately snap could buy him time to figure something else out.

Could it reliably be counted on that trigger that came about the first time was the only trigger?

Or could he successfully override her free will by changing the world? and would using that method be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’?

And that only leaves evasion or offense.

But evasion puts other people on Teruhashi’s yanderadar to become potential victims. How does he save those other people without outing his powers? And worse, what if he doesn’t get there in time or makes a mistake?

Yumehara was this close to dying because of the time limit on his telepathy...

that in turn leaves only offensive options.

Except it doesn’t, because he likes Teruhashi a lot actually and though Saiki is no stranger to using violence, even though I think he only likes exerting violence in very specific circumstances (Read: Toritsuka), that behaviour is VERY gender-specific. I'm not saying Saiki couldn’t hit a girl, but I am kinda saying that Saiki couldn’t hit a girl, much less beat the hell out of them or explode their insides. When it comes to most people but especially girls he prefers psychological warfare but

well~

A Yandere Teruhashi would have to be a Teruhashi who’s snapped. I don’t think it’s in her natural behaviour-set but I do think it could be a logical consequence of her natural behaviour-set. Teruhashi does genuinely care deeply about other people. She actively goes out of her way to appeal to them and enrich their happiness. That it rewards her to the extent it does could be described as unhealthy for the extremity of it, but it’s not unnatural to be kind to others as a form of self reward i think - it makes sense there’d be a neurobiological component to reward behaviour that’s good for the group which includes the self instead of only the self and excludes a group in a pack hunting animal. i don’t think it even requires empathy, but i do think it requires a grasp of the ‘group rules’, which is where a lot of struggle can happen with inefficient communication.

ANYWAYS.

It's sometimes the extremity or the permanentness of the behaviour that leads to poor health. While I don’t think Teruhashi is necessarily unhealthy at the time of the show - generally speaking what she does works for her and the people around her. However the framework she’s set up for herself comes with the highest reward in a very rigid set of circumstances, and she's not at all flexible with it. These things aren't allowed to be context specific, it has to be the same standard across everything.

You could even say, a standard of perfection~

And that's where I think she'd get into a dangerous situation with her mental health, possibly enough for her to stop caring about hurting other people - especially if they reinforce it that she can do no wrong and it'd be an honour to do her bidding or be killed by her actually. Canonically, she does loosen up a little bit and learn some lessons, but by the end of it she's still caught up in her perfection, and on Saiki. She's learned less to rely on other peoples standards as guidance, and has become more self assertive by her own standards (which mind are still. based on others standards. but she cares a little less in pleasing others) UNLESS it comes to pursuing Saiki. If she sees an opening she was do her damndest to dig her little finger in and screw in tight.

which could so easily lead to

-chefs kiss- SUCH good (and with her army, powerful) yandere.

“I’m the perfect pretty girl so that means you don’t mind if I kill you right?”

“I’m the perfect pretty girl, nothing I do is wrong. -Kira eye flash-”

“I’m the perfect pretty girl, and it’s about time I made Saiki understand that.”

“I’m the perfect pretty girl so why doesn’t he want me? This challenges my entire reason for living! Time to go -licks knife- above and beyond to maintain my structural integrity~”

“Nobody is as good as me so it’s okay if I kill them! I’m just doing Saiki a favour!”

“Why am I so obsessed over Saiki? When Chiyo and Aiura are right there? ......Time to murder my feelings!! :D”

“Why is my ability to cope and have self esteem reliant on the validation of other people who are mostly men? ...Hey Sawakita go kill my brother for me. Oh and my parents while you’re at it.”

“O-Oh wow! Anything for you Teruhashi!!”

Saiki sweating in the corner desperately wondering how he’s gonna battle a cult that just so happens to comprise the city’s entire male population (and most of the girls too but they’re never shown trying a violence at Teruhashi’s behest for some reason)

etcetc

And I don't think Saiki could beat that alone. In fact, I think he'd give in. Teruhashi probably wouldn't ask him to use his psychic powers to her benefit, she just wants, well.

Him.

(To say offu, but by that point just that wouldn't be enough)

And moreover, though in canon by the end of the show I think Teruhashi is very fond of Saiki as a person, at the beginning to mid point she really seems to view him as a particularly frustrating toy that just isn't working right, so if she presses this or unscrews that or shifts around those components or, at worst, read the manual if her perfect brain can't figure it out, he might work.

I think a yandere!Teruhashi would be a very unwell one who might experience an extreme negative character arc that'd regress how she sees people. I think she'd be able to come back from it with the right amount of help and support because I do think at her core she doesn't want to hurt anyone

but desperate people do desperate things

and hurt people hurt people, and often times they don't even realize they're doing it.

If Saiki saw a bad end panning out, he'd probably get on that shit asap before too much permanent damage can be done. And it'd prove very fruitful when the people he saves team up to liberate them both~

and then Yumehara and Teruhashi kiss and while nobody's fixed there's a few more headstones and things are a little closer to being better like they were.

Potential kill count for this not-a-fanfic-

Satou Hiroshi (rip he was a rival tho :( )

Kuniharu (maybe he trash talked his son at a party again)

A redshirt or two in Teruhashi's army

Makoto (for obvious reasons)

Potential injury count for this not-a-fanfic

Kusuke Saiki (rival/antagonist. more reasons to hide that eye with his hair after Teruhashi catches onto the whole brocon thing but he'd also be pivotal to getting his lil bro back so.......their relationship status is deffo set to complicated on Facebook)

Aiura (rival/antagonist)

Yumehara (in love with/rival/antagonist)

Akechi (antagonist)

Toritsuka (antagonist)

Yuuta (rival even if it's a different kind of affection)

Again a redshirt or two

Team who'd definitely get Saiki back: The blond Saiki (nobody is too thrilled about it though), Aiura, Yumehara, Akechi, Toritsuka

Secondary team but mightve been waylaid early in the initial struggle?? : Kurumi, Kuboyasu

Is baby and needs to be protected at all costs: Kurumi, Yuuta, Kaidou

[nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice]

We don’t talk enough about “The Beach” in terms of Azula (long essay) 

Okay so, I have not stopped thinking about this episode and how it reveals Azula’s entire self image and how it foreshadows her breakdown. So here’s a deep dive: 

We start the episode off with this premise: for the first time in the series we get to see Azula as a normal teenager. We’ve seen her in combat, we’ve seen her as a political force to be reckoned with, and we’ve seen her within her messed-up family. But in this episode we’re seeing her on vacation. From the beginning of the episode, we think that it’s going to be Zuko on edge (”doing nothing is a waste of time, we’re being sent away on a forced vacation”) and Azula enjoying her time off (”lighten up, so dad wants to meet with his advisors alone, without anyone else around. Don’t take it so personally”). But that doesn’t exactly happen. While by no means does Zuko have an easy time on their ‘forced vacation,’ the episode reveals Azula’s weakness and hidden insecurities and foreshadows her breakdown in the series finale. 

The first thing to consider is what we already know about Azula: we know she’s dangerous, a protegee at firebending, politically charismatic, and ruthless. We know that people will side with her if she wants them to (Ty Lee chooses her over the circus, Mai chooses her over her family, the Dai Li choose her over Long Feng, and Zuko chooses her over Iroh). From her introduction, we know she’s the preferred sibling under Ozai and that she knows that. She’s confident because of that. She knows that she’s chosen over Zuko because she wasn’t banished or burned. And in season 3, she’s still winning because if the Avatar’s alive, then Zuko will be the one to suffer the consequences. She’s playing the game of Fire Nation politics and she’s winning. 

But in The Beach, all fire nation politics are cast aside from the first minute of the episode. While we think that Azula will be competent and charismatic here as she is everywhere else, that ends up not being the case and it reveals her hidden vulnerabilities. 

Another thing we know about Azula is that she’s competitive. Her whole life she was conditioned to think in these terms as her father schemed his way onto the throne and constantly compared her and Zuko (and when Zuko got banished it signified to her that she had firmly won that competition and she was worthy of her father’s ‘love’). And in previous episodes, this competitive streak has  worked in her favor. Her ‘eyes on the prize’ approach let her conquer Ba Sing Se, defeat Aang, and convince Zuko to side with her. But The Beach offers a new territory: one entirely dependent on her personality. And she still views it as a competition, but this time she’s not the clear winner. 

They arrive at the beach and for the first time in the series, people aren’t praising her as royalty or fearing her as an adversary, instead she’s treated like a normal person. We saw this with Zuko in season 2 when he was masquerading as an anonymous Earth Kingdom refugee in The Cave of Two Lovers or Zuko Alone (where people offered him their home and food when all they knew him for was his actions) and when he was masquerading as Lee/Li (where he was offered a position as a Freedom Fighter, treated as a normal tea shop worker, and went on a date with a girl all on the basis of his personality), but we’ve never seen this with Azula. In this episode, she’s relying entirely on her personality to navigate this teenage social world and she doesn’t get the results she expects. 

From her perspective, her friends and brother are succeeding in this environment way more than she is and that makes her extremely uncomfortable. From her perpsecive, Mai and Zuko are completely fine spending time with each other and Ty Lee is getting the attention of half a dozen guys at once. But Azula doesn’t fit in. She sees this whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing’ as a competition that she’s loosing.Ty Lee and Mai are invited to a party and she’s cast aside. Ty Lee attracts the attention of half a dozen guys and the guy she complimented just ignores her. People at the party leave her alone when in reality, she wanted to come in order to see what it would be like for people to treat them as normal. And in a normal setting, she’s rejected. 

Azula has her comfort zone and that comfort zone is winning. There are four instances in the episode where we see her comfortable and confident that reveal how she depends on her combat and political skills for her self image. The first is when she’s being ignore while her friends acclimate to the beach social scene. She demands that they play in a game of volleyball because one, she needs to be in charge in order to feel in control of the situation and two, she thinks that there’s a clear path from winning the volleyball game to gaining social acceptance. This is a thing she can do. She knows she’s physically capable and thinks if she can do this, then she’s succeeding at the whole ‘Being a Teenager’ thing. And she does succeed. We see the victory make her feel better about herself because she winning (”yes, we have defeated you for all time, you will never rise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation... well that was fun”).

The second time we see her comfortable is after she kisses Chan. From her perspective, part of succeeding at the whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing’ is attracting guys, like Ty Lee, and being in a relationship, like Mai and Zuko. This isn’t necessarily something she actually wants, but it’s something that she perceives as an element of winning. So she plays the part of ‘pretty girl who laughs at unfunny jokes’ and kisses the guy she wants to kiss. This is a win in her books and she has her moment of comfort: 

“Together, you and I will be the strongest couple in Fire Nation history. We will dominate the earth!” 

From the offset, this is just a joke at Azula’s expense like the previous one was, but it says a lot about how she views her self-worth. Her default comfort zone is ambitious, political, militaristic. This is her ‘normal’ and when she thinks she’s finally figured out this whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing’ by kissing this guy, she tries to branch over this false persona she’s constructed to please this guy to her actual self and when that happens, she’s rejected and it hurts her. 

The third moment of comfort is during the campfire scene where Azula sees that, no, unlike what she originally thought, her friends are actually dealing with their own issues and aren’t doing so well. What this means to her is that maybe she is winning. Maybe they’re better at the whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing,’ but they have these other issues: neglect, insecurity, and self-hatred and she tells herself ‘I don’t have those problems, so clearly I’m the one winning here.’ She drags out the issues of her friends because she wants to know that no, they aren’t doing as well as she thought they were. She slow claps and says “well, those were wonderful performances everyone” and we see that she feels better in this small group where she’s the one not screaming and crying about her problems. And this is mean, but it’s undeniably rooted in insecurity. Azula needs to feel like the most competent person in the room. She needs to feel in control because she’s grown up in an environment where being the ‘weak one’ meant getting your face burned off and banished. Azula can’t afford vulnerability. She’s never been able to afford vulnerability, so she surrounds herself by people she can control. And so long as she holds the reigns, so long as she’s perceived as the strong one, it means she’s okay. 

But the thing is she does have those problems. Because after those first two moments of comfort, she gets rejected for who she is. She’s not invited to the party because people think she’s intimidating and weird. Chan leaves after he kisses her because she reveals her true colors. There’s only one other episode where we’ve seen someone actively reject Azula’s personality and there’s a moment of vulnerability where she reveals how that rejection shaped her self-image: 

“I could sit here and complain about how our mom liked Zuko more than me, but I don’t really care. My own mother thought I was a monster. She was right of course, but it still hurt.” 

Azula hasn’t had to think of herself in terms of her personality in years because the last person who valued her as a person, not as royalty or a weapon, was her mother. And her mother saw faults in her. Her mother wondered aloud what was wrong with her. Her mother didn’t like her as much as she liked Zuko and that’s something Azula internalized, even if she was able to mask it up with apathy and cruelty. After Ursa left, she was the unequivocal favorite child. She was the talented one. She wasn’t dishonored or banished like Zuko and she held onto that victory because ‘winning’ the competition of ‘favored sibling’ was the closest thing to love that she got. It didn’t matter who she was as a person, it only mattered that she got results, so she focused all her energy there and came out victorious. Her friends stayed loyal to her out of fear for the most part and she knew it, that’s why she had the circus set Ty Lee’s net on fire and why she guilted Mai into not trading her brother for Bumi. She’s convinced herself that “fear is the only reliable way” because she’s never been shown that people can love her for herself. 

The fourth moment of comfort is when she’s commanding the destruction of Chan’s party. In this moment she said ‘screw these people, I’m superior and I know it. I’m the princess of the Fire Nation, I’m stronger, and they are nothing in comparison to me.” 

This is the mentality she’s been conditioned with for years and by the end of the episode, she defaults to it because it makes her feel strong whereas in reality, she failed at the whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing.’ People didn’t like her. She was rejected for the first time in a long time.

And her greatest fear is this rejection. We see it in the Zuko Alone flashbacks, we see it when Mai and Ty Lee betray her in The Boiling Rock, and we see it when she banishes everyone closest to her in Sozin’s Comet. She anticipates rejection and she acts to snip out the people who can reject her before it happens. 

And the tragedy is, it ends up not being enough. Mai and Ty Lee don’t choose her. Ozai decides to leave her out of the invasion. Zuko takes the throne. There’s no longer her father there to please and no more commands to give. For years she was confident and charismatic because she was in control and in the game of Fire Nation politics, she was winning. For Azula’s entire life, winning that game meant you were worth something and losing it meant that you were thrown away. While she was in control of those around her, while they feared and worshiped her, it meant she was winning. 

But the rejection she faces in The Beach foreshadowed her ultimate downfall because when all her influence and control was stripped away, she was all alone.