#they cant be normal abt each other on the internet

[owtenen]

they both talked to each other in their episodes this week what is their problem

Etho, hello, hey. Hey, Etho. 🙄 Um, I'm already spawning creepers like crazy. 😤 You think I can't? 😡 Just kidding, I love you. 🥰

[kaleidosouls]

random text post of day #

been watching creepcast more or less since the first/second episode and after latest i keep wanting to talk to ppl abt my thoughts and im tired of trying to engage with other youtube comments / i dont wanna keep bothering my spouse with this plus id want to talk to other ppl who are viewers but dhkdhfk im gonna rant behind the cut; tw animal death/violence, child abuse

gonna rant assuming readers is also a viewer cause too tired to explain, sorry. this is just “stuff id want to chat with fellow fans of the poscast but i dont have friends who watch it, and the youtube comments suck for the most part and id rather be turned inside out than login to reddit”, like i did end up using rhe comment section way toomuch already, jm tired and its like 3% normal ppl and 97% dicks and assholes with bully disorder

like it was a big enlightening to just properly label things last night at last and process the feelings and situation. this is jsut a podcast with isaiah bullying his cohost hunter (“as a joke”) and the fans at large are people who enjoying bullying snd find it funny, and try to bully commenters who disrupt their “fun”, trting to discret and demean them as friendless parasocial losers for not playing along the theater of mockery and treating it as socially acceptable.

like its one thing to tease between friends and make dark jokes, its another thing to repeatedly, insistently, laugh at your friend for being traumatized as a child by violent animal death? like. its like i get that initially he was just really baffled at the event like haha oh my god did that happened thats so fucked up (which is annoyingly normie in its own way like yeah dude, none of us have control over fucked up shit happening to us as children, like he makes such a spectacle about it like its this earth shattering thing). like its tragic and a big deal but like wrt trauma its usually safe to be on the level that the person with the trauma is setting, if theyre talkinf about it really intensely it makes sense to match up to that tone or lower. instead hunter is trting to move on while isaiah is just obsessed fascinated with it like its fiction almsot. idk just . uggghhhhhhh

i could kust make a collage fo commwnts that made me like lose hope for humanity each time but i dontw anna dwell on annoying bullshit and commit it more to memory. like people are jusr… like there is some dark humor inherent to like calljng your mom as an adult on your show to have her back you up only for it to turn out it was way worse, but like the way isaiah kept laughing about it for so long.. like hecan laugh and joke like that at his Own traumas if he has them. just. idk. tgisn podcast like just. ugh its making me irritated tot hink abt explaining whats happening in it to people like go watch it with adblock on, im gonnaskip explainjng more and jsut say some feelings to the void that id rather like scream at someone about. i was gonna say scream at assholes in the commmebts but i actually want their internet connection destroted and for them to be forced to dismantle their phones and pcs and set them on fire so they can never speak again.

isaiah is coming off like such a monster. like, “””as a joke””” acting like an asshole is still acting like an asshole, i dont care anymore that hes actually probably rly well intentioned and ncie bc he jsut needs to stop being fucking rancid and a shitty cohost and friend. an honestly i cant even believe the “hes actually nice” shit anymore. starting tj feel hes been an ashsole all along and just pretends to be a good guy. like he takes too much joy out of excessive bullying to be a good person. like genuine just bullying, with no consequences. ppl are like “oh hunters fine with it bc hes putting up with it” like as if every single person alive Never has to put up and laugh along shit that bothers them. specially on what is essentially their Job. hunter barely appears comfortable and he does not dish back nearly as viciously- and we jnow hes capable of rly dark humor and banter too, on his own channel tje vibe is completely different but he has none or that edge with isaiah. while isaiah is literally like i wnan dox you please fans m*lest hunter in the meet and greet, i want this guy dead; isaiah literlaly makea such a huge deal every time hunter had a disagreeing opinion irs clear hes started to just not weight in when he doesnt like something, itd be one thing to make these super intense mean comments if hunter did them back but every time isaiah would not take or tolerate it when it was towards himself,; and honestly all of the stuff before had been like accumulating to be pretty bad but rhe latest ep with the dog story eallyi guess like crosses a line of like, this is just genuinely wrong and i dont care how mcuh the comments say its ‘parasocial’to have basic human empathy! youre watchint a guy talk abt having the family dog shot in the back of the head in front of him by his grandfather, only to then find out on air feom his mother the shooting had been intentional and his grandfatehr was actuallt a monster instead of a disabled man traumatizinf you by accident. like the ironic tragedy of him calling his mom to back him up on that ‘its not a big deal’ only for her to contradict him is funny on a cosmic sense, but like it is iust. not that funny dude. like isaiah kept bursting into laughter just thinking about it. oh is it too absurd for you to take seriously? do yoh just not give a fuck about how tour friend might feel? dude didnt even fucking ask. he didnt eveb show a sliver of care , sympathy empathy anything. he literally says “ill never let you live this down”. LIVE WHAT DOWN???? having his grandfather intentionally shoot his dog in front of him as a 7 year old child? like what the actual fuck is wrong with him??!! have like even a shred of respect for your cohost, like its all ‘as a joke’ but if you consistently ‘as a joke’ act like a cruel manipulative bullying person, im just gonna choose to believe youre actually just that person using “humor” as a shield to excuse your behavior.

like wtf. i was actually a fan of isaiahs chanel first and i didnt rly vibe with hunter that much and i wouldnt have expected, bc i woildnt enjoy watching an asshole, that isaiah wouldve turned out to be such a self centered horrible person. like its all funny TO HIM, i dont get the sense its enjoyable at all to be in that room when isaiah is getting all giddy and having a kick out of treating hunter like a punching back. yeah he probably doesnt mean to be actually hurtful but it doesnt look like the thought even crosses his satan spawn eyes that someone could have a different reaction than the one he was intends there to be. like i dont know hunter and idk if id even like him if i talked to him in person but it sucks qnr is horrible to watch anyone be treated that way consistently. like i wish creepcaet juet actually ended or isaiah learned how to not be shitty. i dont care if its not in his nature to not be awful he should just try to pretend to be a decent person for once. like i feel bad for hunter becuase it comes across like hes more stuck in the podcast than enjoying it and i empathise with struggling to leave “friends” who treat you like shit. and its like work too, i have no idea how much of a monetary and reputation loss it would be to leave. ppl are like “theyre adults they surely worked within themselves” yeah bc no adult ever has struggled or been stuck in a situation thats hard to get out of. honestly like yeah this is just a shitty podcast with shitty fans who just enjoy watching a bigger guy get bullied for no reason because they are probably mostly awful bullies in their own lives too hurting the people around them and i dont need to convern myself over what people who get a kick out of hurting others think.

i guess obligatory like. insane and unwarranted comment to the hosts bc no one is readingnthis let alone either of them but its like what if they read it and like felt x or y way in reaction. maube writing this will give me some semblance of peace

@ hunter: you seem cool and youre a really talented artist and naturally funny on camera/audio. i relate to having memories from childhood warped like that, and im sure/i would imagine that was the story told because it was far from the actual worst one. i think you deserve to respect yourself more, im sure being bullied is no skin of your back, im fat and ive been derided bc of it my whole life, from since i was 70kg and im 100kg now. its smth you get used to and it feels like not a big deal but on a fundamental level i thibk everyone deserves to respect themselves at least enough to not let friends treat you like shit to this extent. like i know banter and teasing is normal, butlike. its so excessive dude. it comes across like youre just stuck there and idk your financials and maybe you coulr be, ive heard of stories like that wrt youtube projects, and subversive animations arent loved by youtube’s revenue. heavy condolences if this turns out to be the case and hoping things can change. im sure it would be hard to quit anyway bc ppl would make such a big deal abt it. but if you are free to leave at anytime and you have freedom and are safe with isaiah,thank god thats great, get the FUCK out of there or get isaiah to stop treatiny you like shit cause you deserve better. if somehow you iust love beint berated like that i guess like each to his own too, i just hope youre doing ok juwt oj the basis of beint a fellow human being who appears to be in a legitimately shitty situation. if you are ajd im insane, thats fine too, id rather be insane than someone be suffering.

sigh

@ isaiah: i really liked your youtube vids. you seemed like a decent enougu guy. ofc like i dont actualyl Know either of tou, injust am human and relating on basic emotional levels based on the behavior you choose to display online. man. what the hell is wrong with you? if i expected you to actually read this i would be more polite but i dont expect a single soul to read this, really. like, man… i want to believe theres capacity of good and kindness in every person so surely you must have it, and if you do.. why are you acting like that. is being mean That funny? i love dark humor but ive never taken joy out of actively bullying people so i cant really relate but like, surely you can find otuer ways to have fun with your friend? im sure you think its all fine bc hunter wont throw a tantrum like you do but some people are actually way more inwards with their emotions and like you coild try to be a little more interested in how someone else feels when you bully them. “as a joke”. like maybe its not as funny as you think itnis, or they migut not be enjoying it like you do. i know its hard to stop when you want to talk but please try to stop interrupting hunter repeatedly after you clewrly mustve heard him adter the call delay? honestly, i thought you were a fine guy but now its like maybe youre just on a power trip, havint someone hostage to validate your opinions on horror and to bully for fun who wont talk back to you in a way thats actually challenging. since you love the sounf of your own voice so much you could do a solo podcast, you dont need hunter to be there as a punching bag in order to make a podcast. if you lvoe and care about hunter as a friend sincerely and iust have been totally by accident actint like a major piece of shit, id like want to hope for you to improve as a person in how you act and id want to believe thats very possible, but episode after episode its just.. like i dont give a shit abt dark mean humor i dont care if you call us in the audience pieces of shit or freaks or whatever, we’re not there talking to you, but hunter Is hearing what youre saying and is actually there.like id say for a christian you are extremely cruel but that is just ao on brand for open christians to behave that way that i honestly wanted to believe you would subvert that expectation, but it seems i was wrong. you know like i dont get this being mean as a joke thinf and neber have, i would say if hunter died tomorrow would you not have rather spent time with him in a positive way where he was loved instead of berated, but youd most likely “joke” that youre glad hes dead and that you didnt bully him enough. im not christian and i dont believe in heaven or hell but i know for you that youre most likely not seeing the pearly gates until you learn to pretend to be a good person to your friends. its probably not even smth you genuinely want to do or care to do but you could make that sacrifice of being nicer so the world is a better place while it has to have you here.

big sigh this isjsut hggggghhhhhh like a shame bc i love horror and i had enjoyed isaiahs youtube vids but , man this is such a disappointment. obviously i dont rly wana watch the podcast anymore butni like hunter reading and his voice and i would just hope for the best for him going forward, and the insane in my brain is like i gotta check it out maybe isaiah apologizes and acts like normal and nice without being rancid for once. even tho i know that wont be true bc it hasnt been for weeks since i started watching, i guess ill tune in for the next and if he foesnt shape up i’ll quit it. find a diff horror podcast or smth. makes me sad imagining hunter stuck in there. kike idk if hes even a good person like hes edgy on his own channel too but in general like he comes across like isaiah used to , lile someone who just seems fine and i havent heard anything saying theres smth horribly wrong with him. just on a basic human level it sucks to see people struggle and suffer. speciallt when its situations i relate and have been to. its been at least (uhh math…) damn 10 years or smth since an event that really stuck with me, where i was kust telling soem school friend abt my life at home bc we were just talking, and i relayed one of the ways my parents would beat me and how i was so scary, and she burst our cackling in my face. its a feeling that took a long time to stop having it sting in my head. she wasnt intending to laugh At me, or bc she thought beating children was genuinely good or funny, but to her the situation was so absurd it was funny. i can understand that on a detached level like if it wasnt real there would be some comedy timing to it. but instead i iust felt like a joke. like i was stupid, like it was this really funny ass thing, and i tried to play along, and it was like the fear trauma and pain that resulted from those events was a joke too. like i was stupid for having my life warped ny the abuse and it affecting me, because it was just so absurd and funny! like damn, i shouldve been abused as a child in a less absurd and funny way so people wouldnt mock me to my face about it. i guess i deserve it and its natural to be treated this way. until i met someoje who actually respected and gave a fuck about me and wouldnt make me feel that way i thoight it was normal and like i was fine with it too. i used to get bullied communally by my entire classroom for half of middle school and i thought those people were called friends too because id never been treated any better by anyone.

hgggghj i think its helped a bit to get it off my chest, maybe. man this sucks. i wish people would iust be nicer to eachother. life is so short, and some people cant even have the courtesy to not be tormented by people they call friends

[alias-mike]

i let the autism win

(i am going to tell you about compelling cytus 2 straight relationships) (my headcanons might get mixed in because its been 2 years since i read the lore and i dont feel like reading the 1000+ page transcription rn)

ALSO SPOILER WARNING FOR THE CYTUS 2 STORY

OK STARTING OFF WITH MY FAVOURITE ONE. CONNER X SASHA

incredibly egotistical guy (conner) who thinks hes better than everyone else meets his match in an academic setting but cant talk to her (sasha) because she graduates early and leaves. therefore he does the perfectly normal thing of stealing identity information of a bunch of random citizens from the government to sell on the black market bc sasha is also there as a mole for the police. he acts super incompetent to make her feel bad and help him sell the information for the best price and they end up forming a partnership for a while. their final job goes wrong as the police busts in and doesnt believe sasha when she says shes also part of the police bc her captain deleted her civilian identity file as part of the mission and that guy died in the raid so shes cooked. conner saves her at the last second and, dropping the act, tells her that he saved a copy of her civilian file and will be driving her to the nearest city and she can choose what she wants to do from there. shes super mad at him for decieving her but is grateful for the out that hes given her and leaves for the city with no internet to start fresh, assuming they would never see each other again. fast forward to the Plot and conner seeks her out again for help on some stuff and their modern dynamic is conner going "youre so cool and awesome haha...... we were such a good team back in the day....... you should run away with me" and sasha is like "no." its completely played for comedy (in my understanding) since the writing makes it clear that sasha has put her old life behind and only humours conner because hes an old friend (its been several years since the deception thing so i would assume she made peace with it and came to the conclusion that overall conner is chill) but she has a life of her own now. meanwhile shes the closest thing conner has ever had to a friend because shes the only (alive) person he sees as an equal so even though he knows its futile, he tries to convince her to come with him anyway. they were never really together and will never be together, and thats what makes their relationship interesting.

next up........ cherry x xenon !

this one is fun bc they start the story as exes. they dated when they were younger but broke up for reasons i can only describe as "her dad killed his dad and that really puts a strain on a relationship yk". basically cherrys dad got involved with organized crime after her mom died and he lost his job and xenons dad is a cop who was investigating said organized crime so they got into a Conflict and cherrys dad ended up killing xenons dad and severely injuring his sister. cherry also never told xenon abt this during their relationship bc its a bit difficult to bring up the whole "my dad does crime and sometimes i do it too" to the guy whos dad is a cop. the way they find out what happened is a bit. well funny isnt the right word but basically xenon is like "MY DAD AND SISTER GOT SHOT" and cherry was like "OH NO THATS HORRIBLE" so they rush to the hospital to visit them and see a news report about the incident and the perpetrator getting arrested and cherrys like "oh..............." they got in a huge fight after that and justifiably break up but deep down they still love each other and just. havent talked about it for several years after that. later some Plot stuff happens, they kinda reconcile a little bit, and cherry ends up injured in a fight. they were chilling at a base with really good medical facilities tho so the boss was like "here stay in this Healing Tube for a while and youll be fine" but uh oh! the evil bad guys attack and turn off all of the power in the base, including cherrys life support, and they turn the power back on too late so she dies and xenon is completely devastated over it because they never properly reconciled (i think there was something like he never said "i love you"? but i will have to reread lore to confirm. huge angst moment if true tho). i think they have an interesting arc in its tragedy. is it kinda contrived? yeah. but i think its thematically appropriate for the relationship where the whole thing is that something always went unsaid (first the crime thing, then how they actually still liked each other) ended with something unsaid, yk.

side note: theres even more tragedy to the situation considering the way they turned the power back on. ok basically theres a 12 year old girl named nora (shes the aforementioned boss) (shes a mafia boss) (its a long story) and she was experimented on as a baby and left to die to The Virus when the experiment failed but she survived and the scientists were like "holy crap can she be the key to a cure!?" so they took her back to the lab and raised her. shes disabled due to the initial experiments requiring her legs to be amputated and also happens to be mute but shes a genius so she built a robot to talk for her since she was stuck in her room all day (no one figured it was a good idea to give her mobility aids until several years down the line) (their idea of parenting was also like. playing chess with her once in a while). she also got into making edm songs for a while. later, she makes a robot known to the players as robo_head to be her bodyguard since they figure out that the virus gave her powers to see/hear through any camera or microphone connected to the internet and decide to use it for profit by touting her as an "oracle". now is a good time to mention that cytus 2 is a science.... fantasy? story where everyone has a brain chip to connect to the internet. anyways the more nora uses her powers the worse her eyesight gets and its also generally harmful to her health. robo_head is basically her only friend and she ends up having to send him off for reasons i wont get into rn and somewhere down the line he gains sentience and makes his way back to her. nora is enraged that he came back at first but after some persistence she lets him in and finds out about these developments, and is ultimately happy to have her friend back. when the power gets cut, robo_head knows that cherry needs help and volunteers to use himself as the power source which would essentially fry his circuits. nora refuses at first since she just got him back, but understands the importance of saving cherry so she ends up agreeing. unfortunately, its too late, so basically two people had to die for no reason ! (luckily nora ends up being able to fix robo_head after the end of the game but he was Gone for a while)

OK TANGENT OVER. BACK TO SHIPS. UHH sagar and rin are a thing

there was lore im pretty sure but i forgot so all i remember is that sagar is a pretty confident guy except when he has to talk to rin, in which cases he loses all of his skills ever and his dialogue mainly consists of "ummm uhm uhhh" and rin is also too nervous to notice how unskilled sagar is being. this is the only couple who gets a happy ending btw

honourable mention: whatever ilka(?) and rald had going on. classic nonhuman who is fascinated with humanity via one specific guy x guy who is unintentionally being very attractive. idk. i would tell you more about it but my dlcs are LOCKED and TAKEN AWAY from me 👎

there are also many gay ships but one of them is literally the plot of the game so it would make this post even longer if i started talking about them lmao

^said plot summarized in one image btw

OK THATS IT THANKS FOR READING!!!!

[brainrot-stitch]

Thinking of simpler times.. (rant/vent ig)

It's nice just to like

Be able to lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling and hear the crickets outside and no electronic noises. It reminds me of the 2 hurricanes that happened a few yrs back, and like I know it's fucked up to think about because it was horrible, but at the same time it was nice in a way idk how to describe well. It was miserable and hot but I was with family and didn't have to worry or stress about people or grades.. we just kinda existed for a while. I don't want more hurricanes to happen, that would be crazy, but I miss what came after.

Idk I think I've just been getting worked up over a lot of stuff recently and ik other people have it like so so much worse so I don't rlly like to complain abt it, especially in the gc, but nights like these where it's dark and quiet and calm just really get to me I guess. Nights where I can just think about everything and cry before I have to wake up the next day and repeat everything over and over and over. Every day is so bland and numb with sudden spikes of panic mixed in and at the end of the day I barely remember it. I don't remember so so much of my life that I think I should, and I don't know why I just forget. Weather something good or something bad happens I know it will eventually be faded and forgotten just as I will one day.

I'm not really big on being remembered, I've come to accept the fact of mortality and there will be a day where we will each be thought of for the last time and that is when we're truly gone. But for the short amount of time I am remembered, I don't want to be remembered like this. Like who I am and what I do and how I act right now. I don't know what I want to be remembered like, but it's not this.

There's so many issues that seem like the end of the world, that feel inescapable, and I know they're not. I feel like I'm either just being dramatic or gaslighting myself into believing they're bigger issues than they already are. Anything could send me into a spiral that night, from the smallest issue to the biggest one. Even if not, they still have an effect on my day to day life and I don't know how to fix it. And other people are always either confused or upset but they don't understand, and I don't know how to help them understand.

It's hard to care about my grades when there is literally no point and all I do is rot all day. Even if I did care I'm not smart enough to get a college tuition, and we definitely can't pay for it ourselves. They say it's gonna leave a permanent mark that people will see on my resume, but there is a good likelihood I won't make it past adulthood with the way things are going, so why should that matter. Plus it's so so hard to focus. Even if I try I get distracted or start daydreaming or The Thoughts come back. And people will say "oh just pay attention" or "just don't daydream duh" and I cant. Like I physically cannot I am unable to do so. Plus the daydreams happen at random half the time and then I'm not in school anymore I'm in another world and everything's either going really well with things I wish would happen irl or everything is going absolutely horribly and u can't stop it. They're like "just do your work it's not that hard" I hear what you're saying but you're not hearing me bro. I can't 'just do it' and nobody seems to understand that except specific strangers on the internet.

There's other issues too but I am too scared to share them on tumblr rn and I know this may seem kinda dumb but if I live on this will affect me for life but it's so so numb and I'm so SO tired allll the time and sleep never helps at all and I literally just rot all day...

Literally the only reason I take care of myself at this point is so people don't judge me and idk if that's normal or not but I'm assuming it's not.. like if I have to go somewhere ill take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face and put on perfume n shit but if not I will have a 'self care day' but idk if it's self care if the only thing I do is rot in bed all day and only get up to go to the bathroom or (sometimes) get food/water. I sleep so much and the days all blur together and it's so so so soo bad in summer. I think I have like reverse seasonal depression bc like when it's cold and dark and raining I THRIVE like never before (even if the constant tired doesn't go away, even if everything still sucks and I still hate the people I care about the most) it's just so nice. But in summer when it's hot and miserable and humid and my ac doesn't work and you can feel the mosquitos it is such a fucking low for me idk how to even describe it. When when we get the 2 months off for summer break it's so bad bro I think that's one of my lowest points excluding being in school when it's hot. If I didn't have church I know I would go those 2 months and not take care of myself at all and ik it sounds gross and it is and I hate it but why even try if I just fucking rot on my bed like a useless ass beached whale.

The crickets are gone

I miss them 💔

I don't get why it's so hard to sleep when I'm so so fucking tired or why I rot all day or why I'm so fucking angry and irritable all the time for no reason and it sucks ass tbh. And idk why I can't fucking do things like normal people can or why I think differently or why my thoughts are so fucked up and I disappoint the people I love. I don't really wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be here much longer, but I know I have to because if I do it it'll break them in ways they will never be able to fix, and I don't wanna be that selfish. I want to help people, I want to be confident, and I wanna make people smile. I want to be able to ignore the daydreams, to block out the characters in my head and The Thoughts that I hate so much, and I wanna stop doing shit like this when I don't deserve it.

But sometimes all you can do is find a cold, dark, and quiet place, and think for a while.

Sorry for the long post gang, see yall with a silly goofy post another day <3

[asbestieos]

holds microphone up to u Thots on junkana . also kohaai bc ive been thingkging abt them

AGAUAHAHHEHEHEH!! HUEUEHESUH!! hi melty hehe ehejdeh eh GO TO SLEEP SOON but hi ♡

junkana

AGRHRHRGRGR RHEGAUAH I O HGAA WUAUAGAA A A AWUU O O Y U O I U UUUUHUU U U U U H U UUUU HUUUU UU UHU U UU U O UU

KANAJUN JUNKANA MY WORLD.. please they never had a chance they shouldve been inseparable they shouldve had everything.. theyre like asuka evangelion.. the way kaname clings to and relies on jun when he initially demoted to ns student.. and how theyre both a little tsun so its hard for them to even get around to realizing they think of each other positively… sorry i cant be normal about guy who admires his friend’s tenacity and sees the good in him + guy who has never ever been looked up to or loved ever, i know jun would be kaname’s #1 fan and support if he were there at the metamorphosis live 💔 please the casual homosexuality between them is insane. pheromones. sexy pheromones. theyd be so annoying and obnoxious together, can you imagine? take my hand. ill show you. they come to starbucks and hold up the front register for five minutes. kaname’s too anxious to order he doesnt even know what drink he wants and hes whining to jun about what drink he should get and jun has Never Fucking Been Here Before. hes staring at the pastry case. he thinks he wants a bagel. kaname does not want to eat he wants something to drink. jun suggests a drink kaname rejects it for too much sugar or too bitter he somehow knows the flavor profile of the entire menu despite having only ever ordered caramel frappuccinos (and i should know i have watched him regularly enter). they continue this cycle with every single drink on the menu. it has been ten minutes. the line’s backed up to the door. kaname settles on a caramel frappe. what size. venti. no, grande. actually no venti jun split it with me. youre splitting it with me. actually could you make that a caramel crunch frappe? could you make it decaf? how much? 6.02. both kaname and jun take out debit cards. they spat over whose paying. it has been fifteen minutes. the line is backed up into the parking lot. they pay. five minutes later theyre kicked out of the cafe for disturbing the peace and making out so sloppily their drool could be used to polish the table tops. end scene

kohaai

yeah ♡

edit: kohaai is so everything to me because fate really did bring them together.. its funny i hc that before he was put in the zashikirou, kohaku literally told aira everything about his situation like being an assassin and everything and aira straight up thought it was fake and he was just being 9 and an edgy emo boy weirdo GDJDBDJ like kohaku is funny because he comes off as the type of sixth grader to type very seriously. He tries to act really mature on the internet. He uses perfect grammar and verbose vocabulary and whatever the hell and youd never expect hes some little scrungly with an accent. i think when they first realized they met irl aira was like NOOOO HES 100% DISAPPOINTED WITH ME IN HIS HEAD ISNT HE HE SECRETLY HATES ME NOOO and kohakus like heheh 😊 he is my sun ☀️

they mean much to me they simply adore each other and its so sweet.. auagauagaugh a aahaug ygau guaga ga a aga a im getting cavities

honest opinion ship ask game

[outsidereveries]

koreans as a whole just make baseless claims to cause drama for idols inconveniences but even the idols cant make much change themselves. idfk it all seems pointless bc i am once again expected to care about so much in the world when the world doesnt genuinely care for anyone other than the lives of rich and wealthy. so imho kpop has dug its own grave long ago and relied too much on mass production rather than increasing the quality of what they already had.

even simplicity isnt good enough for them to profit off of so each act or group they have has to keep doing something more than their previous song otherwise they might as well stop mass producing groups in such a short time theyre only going to fall flat and disband give them false hope made up of delusions of them becoming rich bc anything else is not acceptable in modern society. since they have to increase the amount every idol has to do in order to earn enough to live comfortably. its the same with football and just abt every other form of entertainment. its all got so boring bc its more of the samey shit same storylines same actors. nothing truly standa out bc no one tries to stand out. they all follow trends in order to be seen in a slightly different way or have something special abt them that makes them unique

older groups had it way easier bc no internet so they could solely focus on their talent and what they wanted to achieve wasnt just mass produced tiktok junk

i hope one day the world just randomly self combusts so all our suffering stops bc even trying to make myself genuinely like something in current times seems to be tricky. and it seems we have to always give an overreaction to every small minor non issue that idols do or say online as well. we are all in broken systems so nothings ever going to be actually fun, normal or of decent quality. that ship sailed long ago. it seemed that something went off with the way things are done anywhere nowadays as well. like what folk had in the olden times was good enough for them so why is it not good enough nowadays? what are we missing? joy, lightheartedness and livelyness to modern day life.

if our entertainment is so formatted only for the likes of tiktok trends then thats where it then has to really be something that can only go viral. which in itself can both hinder or help someone.

tis ok to rant i dont mind if u want to add anything new to whay im saying. whats sad is we cant take a time machine and reexperience it so we kind of have to either be full on deluded or not care enough to know about it or the groups but then they cant make money :/ its a bit of a shit world really. its the same in the west its roughly been the samey type of songs for decades hence in kpop it was new fresh and at first of different quality and quantity.

i am just so bored stiff, theres only been a couple pr a few groups that stood out to me but even then after trying to care so deeply about all the endless entertainment they offered i found it overwhelming and overstimulating. a lot of groups just going to habe to accept it the system theyre in that either going to bring them much success or its their audience thatll make them fall. again similar in other forms of entertainment.

yeah.. i agree..

[soulemissary]

dear god

[catmiration]

if it never happens, don't stress!! it's easier said than done obviously, but one thing to keep in mind is that closure isn't always gonna come. then again, you might already have it without knowing it (or you refuse to acknowledge it). either way the fact remains that closure isn't always guaranteed so don't spend too much time looking for it!!

oh no it's def coming I'm just impatient lmao. vent/ramble below and in tags

school starts up next week & I just haven't gotten any sub jobs yet, but once I do I'll be able to see if things with a few coworkers turned friends are the same as before summer or if they've changed! mainly, are we friends friends or just simply people who get along at work. because i'm awful at reading cues and miss so many things or confuse them.

like, my brain doesn't want to accept that people don't have to be in constant communication to be friends and wanted/appreciated in each other's lives, ykwim? at least, irl friends. one of my friends ashley hung out with me so much before june and then just like,, dropped off the face of the earth, and i'll be carpooling with her when i start subbing again if she's still ok with it. but that all hinges on if I am a friend friend (where it's "ok" for me to ask that of her) or if I'm just someone she tolerates and enjoyed temporarily and i'm inevitably using her for the free ride

see. lots of overthinking, which will all be settled if i just see the people i want to keep in my life face to face!

[princeanxious]

An idea I’m drawing stuff for:

Okay so g/t sanders sides au idea but where the tiny people are actually mini android/cyborgs made to accompany people /if they want to/ as companions to humans that can connect to technology and the internet. (Medium-big sized ramble under-cut)

They arent nessesarily helpers, but they can help humans w/ technology issues if they want(and there are lots of human laws in place that prohibit forced labor and captivity from this new sentient race, but as you might guess, just bc there are laws doesnt mean everyone follows them or gets caught breaking them) the rest of the world is kinda up for development but i can tell you these tiny android people sometimes come with additional features such as tails w/ audio jacks/place where the tail would go to insert an audiojack, eyes and fingers that glow, ear type varients depending on what time they were born/created, have as many bendable joints as a human, but their legs and feet are naturally a bit thicker/wider both for balance and more room for technology in their tiny bodies.

Theyre a very intermingled mix of liveform and android(and are probably best explained as just. Straight up aliens to planet earth), to the point that theres no actual way to seperate tech from bio-matter. And theyre so tiny that trying to seperate the two on such a small scale is still scientifically impossible at this current time. Damage and wear/tear to their body can heal quickly with enough energy, rest, and time, but losing body parts can be nearly detrimental to their health if said parts cant be reattached quickly. They are not strong enough to regenerate a full limb.

It’s not an immediate death if they lose a limb, but its very much an emergency due to how spread out their bodily function sensors are in their tiny bodies. Losing a certain leg can mean losing complete mobility of both legs and balance, or losing certain patches of memory, losing a certain arm can mean losing the ability to balnce well, or go nearly sensory blind(meaning they can see things, but no longer feel them that well.) the tail is the only bodypart that is not immediately detrimental to their health, just their lifestyle. Their tail is their only way to directly connect to the online world without assistance. Without it, they rely on adapter prostetics that wear out over time and need to be replaced on occassion.

That being said, in this au, Roman, Remus, and Janus are tinies in this world. Roman and Remus are twins, and both suffered an injustice of experimentation that involved one of their legs each being removed, and being reattached(successfully) to the other’s body, as a test to see how similar twin tiny’s bodies are and if the similarities assist any in surrogate limbs attaching successfully. Theyre rescued and rehabilitated amd rehomed together before anything more was done to them, but they live life knowing they have eachothers leg and function as if said legs are really their own, and it connects them in a very odd way that they cant really explain.(it comes w/ a bonus of being able to send messages to one another, but a con of being able to see a portion of the other’s memories, be it mental, or physical muscle memory)

They live with a group of humans, Logan, Patton, and Virgil, who are aware of their situation and have welcomed them into their home to live normal tiny lives. Patton and Virgil are brothers, and Logan is their childhood bestfriend. Remus tends to travel w/ Logan the most bc Logan isnt bothered by Remus’s constant hyperfixations on dark and grusome things.(they hold alot of convos abt dark literature and anatomy, and astronomy. Remus finds Logan’s voice soothing on his semi-irratic stream of thoughts, and talking abt astonomy helps sooth Remus to sleep the fastest.) Roman clings to Virgil mostly but passes inbetween Virgil and Patton pretty frequently depending on whose at work. (Virgil and Roman bicker about everything under the sun, but it’s still healthy for them. Virgil keeps Roman’s ego in check and Roman helps Virgil gain more confidence in things, especially things in public.)

Janus is.. well, he was born.. defective, in a way. No ones really sure exactly what happened, if there were dificulties in his development, or if his existance was fused semi-incorrectly with another while in the preverbial womb, but he is born with his body being partially down the middle on one side with another set of tiny genetics, leaving 1/4th of his body from one side of the head to just below the same side’s ribs to be a different skin & metal plating color. One eye glows gold, the other a bright milky white, the same going for either hand w/ his finger-tips on the same sides. Pure snow white skin, plating, and hair is unnatural, and its theorized to be a permanent glitch in his physical coding seeing as the ‘other tiny’ that had yet to combine correctly would not have developed any physical traits until birth to mimick a combination of it’s parents, it’s physical attribute coding would remain dormant and thus not addapt with the rest of the body.

This leaves Janus visually different, and physically different. He has his own two legs and tail so that part of his body functions normally, but the arm that is inter-functionally dormant leaves him with terrible balance issues(thus leaving him to require a cane) and his on the same side that is similarly dormant leaves him functionally blind in said eye and deaf on said side.

He’s developed an extremely defensive personality because he refuses to be pitied for something he was never in control of. He’s plenty independent without help and beyond grouchy. Has been known to bite humans who try to help him but wont listen to him, hard. He’s never been allowed to live a normal tiny’s life because the parents he was born to gave him to humans to ensure he lived, then got retroactively babied since. His foul temper has lead to a difficulty in the homing process, and the humans are almost about to give up on him when Virgil walks in one day, curious about homing a third tiny to help stabalize the twins antics and frustrations born from there only being the two of them.

Janus is just as foul at first as he is to everyone who approaches him, because he fully expects pity. Instead of Virgil moving on in rejection/dismissal of the rude behavior, Virgil just chuckles in amusement. “Oh boy, you’re fiesty huh?” “Have to be, lest people think they can do and think whatever they want about me. Better to give them my worst so they don’t get any god-complex over my disability, right?” And Virgil relates, and isnt hesitant abt mentioning his own struggles w/ how rudely people treat him w/ his general anxiety disorder and chronic depression.

Virgil manages to convince Janus take a chance and come home w/ him. And then Janus meets Patton, and things go so much better than anyone expected them to go. I mean, they get worse before they get better, but the getting better is so much further than any resulted backtracking. Janus likes Patton, and is uber protective of him. No one knew Patton to bicker much, but oh boy, does he bicker with Janus, often abt taking care of one another. Its all out of love and care, and its honestly jarringly sweet. (Patton gets Janus hooked on chocolate chips, and may or may not bribe him with a bottle-lip full from time to time if it means making Janus relax.)

[fmdkiana]

hiya i’m demi, she/they, pt. this is kiana, also goes by ki and kiki, & if that nickname brings to mind anything But kiki’s delivery service u shall b Wrong. here’s her musing pinterest, fc pin board (if you want to see the diff btwn equinox ki and the real ki), social media, past claims, public profile, private profile, and bio. you can reach me easiest at fmdjoosung or demi#6468 on discord if you’d like to plot!

background

may 28th, 1994 ya girl is a gemini

born to a pediatric surgeon and a software engineer (who specializes in ai bc her mom is Cool) kiana developed a love for science… then tossed it away to be A Star

not immediately though

really it all stems from the desire to be unique in a positive way

with seattle’s large (comparatively) east asian population, she was lumped together with everyone else, and places where she stood out, kids made fun of her for

she felt like an outcast in every sense of the word, which is why when A Boy gave her the genuine time of day, she latched on

they quickly became bad for each other, codependent at its best

kiana’s lil ass rly thought they were romeo and juliet torn apart when her parents made them break up

she kept sneaking out to see him, and eventually it became troublesome enough that her parents decided to move the fam to korea

heartbroken and with the desire to feel desired, she auditioned for gold star

since she was young, she had dance classes, just as her mom did before giving it up for something more stable

dance isn’t what drove her as much as the feeling of a crowd being entertained by her

trained for 3 years, gold star had high hopes for her given her dance background + looks, hence her role in platinum’s it’s okay. og thought she’d b a lil acting star 4 them

but they kinda forget abt her bc ppl cant Get her image. as a person she’s very 4d personality but gs wanted a chic member out of her and they just Didn’t mesh. so she had osts while gs didnt kno what to do w her. n even tho the songs were popular it did basc nothing for her individually

so they go back to actor era n snag her a role, where even tho the show tanked, her role becomes rly popular. then yadda yadda mismanagement they only capitalize on that with modelling til four years later she has another acting gig n she turns out to be not nearly as good as ppl thought she was in her first role

as hyeri put it her image and career thus far are like a ‘you tried’ gold star

it leaves her a little dejected, fearful, worried, but part of her still wants to strive for more attention, and claw her way there, because she aches terribly to feel special and different, and to a degree, idol life will always give that to her

personality

the archetype of the kid in middle school who calls themselves L and only draws in typical anime style and comes to school in cosplay and naruto runs around and randomly speaks japanese…….. yeah, that was kiana as a kid

and really, she’s only let the problematic parts of it go. she’s still a big fat weeb (& has lots of other fandom type interests too)

an internet kid, someone who never got a big following. draws fanart, has written fanfiction, engages on fan forums. stays at home unless she’s dragged out by friends

she’s a very Normal, Everyday type person in most ways, and that bugs her to no end

she’s someone who as a kid thought she had superpowers, like full on believed it, and to this day still thinks well maybe it’s just not kicked in yet

considers herself ~an empath~ because she naturally has very strong emotions, and seeing or “feeling” the emotions of others makes her feel that way too. that includes positive And negative emotions

she can b and is wrong about what she “feels” from others, but the emotional effect on herself is still the same

and because that happens so much, kiana retreats into herself

she has a very small inner circle, and isn’t very interested in more than surface level relationships with most people because it’s exhausting to feel so much all of the time

that means usually, most people meeting her will meet someone who can be doin a little doodle, you’ll say hi, she’ll say hi back, then go right back to her doodle. that, or she’s stumbling over her words bc she’s heavily overthinking smth mildly embarrassing

she’s Nice and polite enough, but doesn’t take those first steps to get closer. some ppl might view her coldly bc of it

HOWEVA if someone were to bring up one of her ~special interests, she would come off like a completely different person

animated kinda loud, won’t shut up. very entrapta. that’s more often the type of person her inner circle gets to see. this

she’s pretty expressive no matter who she’s talking to, like her face does a Lot of talking even when her mouth doesn’t, but that dial turns up to 100 when she’s comfortable and/or interested. if she’s not feeling anything she’s just like Blank face lol

she’s also a reversal of the hard shell soft inside trope, as a lot of her outward self and personality can seem soft, gentle, maybe even naive depending on someone’s view, but there is a core to her affection thats…

ki feels a Lot, and part of that is in the way she loves, platonic or not. she can be super clingy and obsessive and sorta possessive over the people she’s Chosen. and those who hurt the ppl she’s chosen, or get in the way of their relationship, have like,, azula levels of anger coming their way

ki is like a mushroom. most common mushrooms r pretty basic n plain, but there are so many copycats. and the same looking mushrooms, one can be perfectly fine to eat, and the other will poison you. and i think that really strikes the ki chord. u shouldn’t assume safety from a plain exterior

fun fax

claims her style inspiration is the 70s but really mixes in influences from ~the 40s to 80s

if she’s dressing herself, heavily prefers skirts and dresses over pants. naturally likes showing midriff but not having the choice to do so on her own terms as an idol means she’s usually covering up as much as possible

doesn’t like being touched unless she’s really close with someone, then she likes a lot of it

plant mom. apartment basc a greenhouse

insists one day she will make her own jam but has yet to get around to it so she just has a bunch of jars in her apartment and uses them for plants and paper clip holders and the like

her fictional character romantic Type is the tsundere. is convinced fictional characters are the best dating partners

i think she’s still not dated a wamen but bc she’s sooo all or nothing in love, she’d think she was a lesbian when she dated women and straight when dating men. being bi wouldn’t even occur to her

always wears glasses when at home, and a good amount of the time when not working in general

her mario kart main is link bc nostalgia and valuing a strong stat set that favors zoom zoom

the furthest she goes for environmental impact is always using a hydroflask

prefers having bangs and hair with a wave

always carries bandaids and bandages in her bag because she gets eczema patches when she’s stressed and it’s Embarrassing to her so she covers em up

[seijch]

ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

[1eos]

weird q but do you think kpop ff can ever not be the literal devil? like im increasingly concerned with how ppl forget they're writing abt real ppl esp with some of the smut. like ppl are really writing these 100k+ word disturbingly detailed smuts abt kpop boys they don't know & getting mad when ppl say it makes them uncomfortable (including sometimes the kpop boys themselves)

honestly i feel like that time is long gone my friend......back in the day when i was new to everything on the internet back in like 2014 while ppl were still writing rpf it was hidden nd so out of the way that it was nearly impossible to just stumble upon it nd it was easy to just engage w the music. the fics themselves weren’t all smut either 😭 the first shinee fic i ever saw was literally just minho folding paper cranes on a bus? it was very abstract nd almost lyrical. but nowadays since ppl can get so much clout nd attention from being disgustingly horny 24/7 w no boundaries everyone is feeding into each other nd it’s become normalized to be a smut writer which is weird. like its to the point where kpop fans equate fandom to smut written without the consent of the subject NOT TO MENTION a lot of it is painting these idols as borderline ab*sive which is concerning. i just hate that fic has spread everywhere to where even idols cant even get on tw without seeing threads abt them being cow hybrids idk. i say this all the time but if ppl are gonna be weird can they at least do that on private accts, hidden under read mores nd in specific tags that won’t pop up constantly. like have some shame for the shit you’re writing

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[cowboy-kin]

top 10 3 tag!

choosing favourites are SO hard bc my tastes... keep changing... so ill only do top 3 bc otherwise ill lose my mind trying to fill the lists up (tagged by @ey-blondie !! thank you!!)

no read more bc im on mobile. im so sorry

Top 3 movies (in no particular order):

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse

what can i say? gorgeous animation, beautiful story, excellent characters--and this movie just oozes love, both within the story itself and from every single person who worked on the film. watching spider-verse just makes me super happy

Fargo

the pacing and atmosphere for this one is so good, i love when filmmakers take their time building the tension. even tho the whole plot of the kidnapping is laid out to the audience in the very beginning it still manages so keep your attention with the dialogue and the fascinating cast. ive watched this movie many times

Mad Max: Fury Road

THIS ONES JUST RLLY SUPER FUN i generally get bored with too much pointless action but the stunts in fury road are so genuine and over the top i just have a blast watching them. but most of all i love the themes of the story: fighting for freedom, grizzled characters learning to trust others, the fact that they succeed in overthrowing a terrifying warlord, god. theres highs and lows, action and drama, fire and even more fire; this movie is like a dish on chopped where all the mystery ingredients are pretty normal except one of them is hot cheetos and the contestant just made it work

Top 3 songs albums (at the moment):

Hive Mind (The Internet)

Reflections in Real Time (Kilo Kish)

Pony (Orville Peck)

not gonna wax poetic abt these albums bc if i do this post would be way too long so just kno that i love these albums a lot and you should check them out

Top 3 books:

Ash (Malinda Lo)

3 words: gay fairytale retelling. this whole book just feels dreamy, like youre being swept up by the magic of the story. its an almost fearful sensation, but in the way that doing something new and dangerous is fearful--where theres a promise of something better on the other side. i rlly need to pick this book up again when i have the energy

Girl Town (Casey Nowak)

saw it in a bookstore while looking for another book, recognized the artist, decided to leave it at the time, then went back a few days later to buy it bc i could not stop thinking about it. one of the things i love most abt this book is that the women are so real. you only get a glimpse into their lives in each comic, but its a deeply intimate one where you dive right into their thoughts and hopes and fears and they just come alive, even after you close the book. it was also so refreshing to see unpolished, "weirder" women (like me!) being featured in the comics. think i finished the whole thing in less than a day bc i couldnt put it down

i. cant think of a 3rd one. i cant read

I tag:

uhhh @itscookieoverlordtoyou ?? i feel weird tagging ppl but since i kno u irl somehow its less weird lmao. also if anyone else feels like doing this just pretend i tagged u

[clusster]

put your music on shuffle and answer the questions abt each artist!

tagged by @awstn !!

because im lame and on mobile the formatting will def be funky sorry!

artist: set it off

what genre are they? uhhh thats hard, lil pop, lil punk, lil rock, some like theatric orchestral stuff, yeet

how long have they been active? shoot i had to google this, 2008

have you ever heard them on the radio? NO AND IM MAD

have they made any new music in the past year or two?: duh midnight

male or female vocalist? male

artist: modest mouse

would you recommend? HECK YEA...

what are your favorite lyrics of theirs? "Good news for people who love bad news/We've lost the plot and we just can't choose/We are hummingbirds who are just not willing to move" from bury me with it

what are their album artworks like? very differing imo

if they stopped making music, would you be sad? eh i dunno, im not a hardcore stan

if you didnt know what they looked like, what would you think? oh man i dunno like normal people ig

artist: marianas trench

how popular are they? apparently pretty popular in canada but when they play my state they play a 500 person venue so... yeah take that as you will

have you seen them live? yes twice! i loved it

how did you find out about them? when i was like 12 or 13 i had an internet friend from canada who suggested them

whats their sexuality? they appear to all be straight

is their music easy to dance to? many songs yes!

artist: thirty seconds to mars

what is their most prevalent instrument used? oh hell i dunno

does your family listen to them? whenever theyre on the radio i guess

are they still making music now? i think so

would you want to meet them? i mean i kinda met jared leto

how represented in your library are they? uhh idk i use spotify. i dont listen very often anymore

artist: lorde

when did you discover them? uhhhh

how many albums do they have? like 2 or something

which member is closest to your "type"/find most attractive? i mean theres just lorde so

have they gone through any lineup changes? no???

is their music more fun or serious? serious for sure

artist: All Time Low

is their genre typical to your taste? absolutely, considering they were a staple of my teenage years

what would a human version of their music look like? i dunno man you tell me

could you see yourself getting along with the members personally? well i dont know them personally enough to say so, since we arent on any kind of terms

did someone recommend this artist to you? no idea

of all their songs, what would you play at a party? probably like lost in stereo or something i dunno i dont consider them a party band

artist: waterparks

how many people are in this group? THREE BEAUTIFUL BOYS

when did they start making music? dont kill me ok i think 2012-2013?

do they have any well known songs (which ones)? uhh i would say like crave, made in america, lucky people, take her to the moon, 21 questions, tantrum. some are more known by stans, but a nonstans would also probably recognize these

do you listen to this artist regularly? probably like daily

how would you describe their music? oh uh. hm. awsten??

artist: patrick stump

do they use a stage name? not that im aware of no

do they regularly make the pop charts? he does when hes with the rest of fall out boy

have you ever met them? nope

if they toured in your city would you see them? oh absolutely yes

artist: linkin park

are they known for anything other than music? they used to do a lot of charity work and mike is a great visual artist

what is their nationality? well theyre an american band but the members are of various backgrounds iirc

are they a guilty pleasure? no bc i dont feel guilty listening

what age group are they most popular in? hm probably like my dad's generation and their kids who are like 15-20.

have they ever toured your location? yes and i saw them when they did

artist: panic! at the disco

do you need to know their personal life to understand their music? not essential no

have they ever gone on hiatus and when? sorta? between a fever you cant sweat out and pretty odd kinda, and between too weird to live too rare to die and death of a bachelor too. i dont think either were official iirc?

what instruments do they use? lotta horns these past albums

what city are they from? las vegas boiii

what are your experiences with their fans? well a lot are really rude or seem to feel entitled to getting what they want at the concerts, some online are also like that kinda but more online seem to be chiller

tag others? i might come back to this part later

[selfsaving]

AISLINN  INFO  DROP   !

language

she  was  born  in  southern  ireland  and  has  spent  most  of  her  life  in  southern  ireland.  her  accent  is  definitely  southern  irish.

she  went  to  a  gaelscoil  primary  school ;  a  school  where  the  primary  language  is  GAELIC.

irish  gaelic  is  technically  her  first  language  but  she  is  totally  bilingual.  she  spoke  +  was  spoken  to  in  gaelic  until  her  ma  died ,  then  english  when  they  moved  in  with  trish.  the  other  schools  she  has  attended  were  a  mixture  of  irish  and  english  speaking.

as  soon  as  she  was  prescribed  hearing  aids ,  her  pa  was  extremely  keen  for  the  two  of  them  to  learn  sign  language     (   he  himself  is  hard  of  hearing  in  one  ear  but  never  learnt   ).     since  she  was  six ,  the  two  of  them  have  taken  free  isl  classes  and  are  both  fluent.  aislinn  has  also  taught  herself  the  alphabet  in  bsl  and  asl ,  as  well  as  some  other  basic  phrases.  but  she  can  sign  and  read  her  alphabets  REALLY  FAST.  like ,  often  too  fast  for  fluent  speakers  to  read  and  they’ll  have  to  ask  her  to  slow  down.

she  and  her  pa  talk  to  each  other  in  equal  measures  gaelic ,  english  and  isl  depending  on  the  situation.  there’s  not  one  she  prefers  over  the  others.

autism  /  ocd

aislinn  was  diagnosed  with  autism  when  she  was  six.  she  went  to  school  a  little  later  than  most  children  and  had  trouble  from  the  start.  disrupting  classes ;  fighting  with  other  children.

she  struggles  to  understand  other  people  her  age ,  mostly.  feels  separated  from  those  around  her  because  her  background   &   lifestyle  is  so  different.  she’s  always  struggled  to  make  friends.

BUT  if  she  sees  something  similar  to  herself  in  another ,  she  will  latch  onto  them  very  quickly.  likes  the  idea  of  being  part  of  a  group  of  outcasts.

she  has  a  very  bad  temper.  long  fuse ,  but  big  explosion.  she’ll  either  totally  shut  down ;  usually  ball  herself  up  in  a  corner  and  refuse  to  talk ,  or  she  lashes  out.  she  has  been  in  a  lot  of  fights  at  schools     (   that  she  always  lost   ).     only  ever  with  other  kids  though ;  she  isn’t  afraid  to  SCREAM  at  adults  when  she  thinks  they’re  wrong.

she  also  has  ocd  which  was  diagnosed  when  she  was  13.  HOWEVER  she  took  this  to  mean  that  because  she  has  ocd ,  she  is  not  autistic.  she’s  never  embraced  her  autism     (   having  spent  several  years  of  her  childhood  being  told  by  the  female  role  model  in  her  household  that  it  made  her  stupid  and  the  school  attitude  that  ‘ autistic  kids  are  trouble  kids ’   ) ;     instead  insisting  that  her  ocd  is  what’s  ‘ broken  her  brain ’.  she  has   !!!     a  lot  of  internalised  hate  over  her  neurodivergence  >:(

she  is  hypersensitive  to  touch  +  sound.  especially  shrill  noises.

sound :

when  she  first  went  to  school ,  she  found  the  noise  level  of  other  children  extremely  difficult  to  cope  with     (   even  when  she  was  older  it  sometimes  can  cause  panic  attacks   ).

her  hearing  loss  was  pretty  much  a  direct  result  of  this.  to  make  things  QUIETER  she  would  fill  up  her  ears  with  crayons ;  glue ;  anything.  they  got  very  badly  infected  as  a  result.

she  has  mild  hearing  loss  in  her  left  ear     (   can  hear  normal  voice  level  just  fine ;  cannot  hear  softer  /  distant  sounds   )     and  moderate  /  severe  hearing  loss  in  her  right     (   loud  sounds  like  traffic  are  extremely  muffled   ).

she  has  been  prescribed  and  given  hearing  aids  multiple  times  but  does  not  like  wearing  them  ——  prefers  it  to  be  quiet.  wears  the  right  one  maybe  50%  of  the  time  and  ONLY  EVER  wears  the  left  one  alone  in  the  car  with  dad     (   takes  both  out  when  she’s  angry  with  him   ).

touch :

she  loves  to  touch  other  people.  always  shakes  hands  in  greeting     (   and  is  uncomfortable  if  people  don’t  want  to   ) ,     loves  to  touch  others’  hair  or  sit  with  knees  touching.

she  also  touches  everything  in  supermarkets  and  other  big  shops  ——  especially  if  it  looks  soft.  her  fingers  /  hands  aren’t  actually  super  sensitive  so  she  finds  it  a  comforting  reality.

she  finds  uncomfortable  clothing  awful  and  has  always  hated  school  uniform  and  would  often  scratch  herself  to  bleeding  around  her  neck ,  stomach  and  on  her  arms.

her  dad  used  to  find  her  ‘ fairy ’  shells  /  flowers  /  stones  that  would  give  her  ‘ magic  protection ’  and  stop  her  scratching     (   it’s  something  her  ma  started ;  gave  her  a  seashell  necklace  made  by  fairies  that  would  always  keep  her  safe   ).     and ...  they  actually  worked ,  to  an  extent.  didn’t  make  it  any  more  comfortable ,  but  eased  the  obsessive  need  to  scratch  a  little.

she  still  wears  quite  a  lot  of  them  as  necklaces.  cant  stand  bracelets ,  or  more  than  one  ring  per  hand ,  but  is  always  wearing  at  LEAST  four  necklaces     (   in  even  numbers   ).

nearly  all  her  clothing  she’s  either  had  for  a  very  long  time  or  she  gets  second  hand.  her  clothes  have  to  be  pre - worn  and  SOFT.  shoes  and  socks  are  exceptions.

she  suffers  from  trichotillomania  ——  the  obsessive  need  to  pull  out  her  hair.  it  started  when  she  was  around  10 ,  partly  from  the  anxiety  of  moving  schools  and  everything  changing.

she’s  kept  her  hair  very  SHORT  since  then ;  between  shoulder  length  and     (   a  couple  of  times   )     totally  shaved.  it’s  probably  the  thing  her  pa  struggles  most  to  help  her  with.

things  they’ve  done  to  try  and  combat  it  include :  she  always  has  a  teddy  bear  or  soft  toy  that’s  FLUFFY  so  she  can  tear  that  out  instead ;  getting  out  every  couple  of  hours  on  long  journeys  to  tear  up  handfuls  of  grass ;  keeping  her  hair  braided  or  full  of  clips  /  flowers  /  other  things  she  can  fiddle  with ;  letting  her  shave  her  hair  instead  of  pulling  it     (   and  also  then  it’s  not  a  sensory  issue  around  her  neck  /  face   ).

the  one  that’s  been  MOST  SUCCESSFUL  is  to  keep  her  hair  dyed.  she’s  been  doing  it  since  she  was  12  and  has  been  just  about  every  colour  under  the  sun.  it  helps  in  a  couple  of  ways :  firstly ,  because  she  really  likes  the  look  and  idea  of  it ,  so  tries  her  hardest  to  keep  it  intact.  secondly  because  she  often  doesn’t  REALISE  she’s  pulling  out  hair ,  but  when  it’s  pink  or  blue  it’s  easier  to  notice  when  her  hands  are  full  of  it  and  she  can  stop.

gender

y’all ...  aislinn  is  18  years  old  and  super  confused  in  general  about  both  her  gender  and  her  sexuality.  she’s  has  fairly  limited  interaction  with  people  her  own  age  and  very  little  experience  on  the  internet.  she  also  lives  in  southern  ireland.  some  of  her  views  and  knowledge  is  skewed  and  misinformed.  she’s  had  very  few  female  role  models  and  even  fewer  queer  ones.

nearly  everything  she  knows  about  sex ,  gender ,  and  sexuality  is  what  she  can  talk  about  with  her  dad     (   they’re  best  friends  they  talk  about  anything  and  everything  openly   ).     he  is  surprisingly  well  educated  about  all  of  the  above ,  but  still  she’s  nowhere  near  as  knowledgeable  as  an  ordinary  british  18  year  old  would  be.

she  doesn’t  experience  dysphoria  but  something  doesn’t  feel  quite  RIGHT  inside  her.  she’s  not  sure  if  that’s  because  of  her  gender ,  or  her  neurodivergence ,  or  anything  else ,  but  the  only  way  she  can  think  of  to  figure  that  out  is  to  try  out  labels.

the  one  good  thing  about  moving  around  a  lot  is  she’s  had  a  lot  of  opportunities  to  restart  with  a  NEW  identity.  she’s  tried  using  they  /  them  pronouns ,  she’s  spent  a  couple  of  months  with  a  buzz - cut  going  by  ‘ jack ’  and  using  he  /  him ,  she’s  tried  calling  herself  non - binary  and  given  up  very  quickly  trying  out  other  pronouns     (   unable  to  cope  with  the  frustration  of  people  refusing  to  use  them   ).     but  none  of  them  felt  any  BETTER  than  she   /  her.

it’s  not  really  that  she  feels  like  she’s  anything  instead  of  female ;  there’s  nothing  that  feels  more  right ,  she  just  doesn’t  really  feel  CONNECTED  to  being  a  girl.

at  the  moment  she  uses  she  /  her  pronouns  and  the  label  demigirl.  she’s  not  totally  sure  about  it ,  but  she  finds  it  helpful  to  use  a  bunch  of  different  labels  until  she  finds  the  right  one  rather  than  wait  and  remain  label - less  until  she’s  TOTALLY  sure.

sexuality  +  sexual  experiences

y’all  guessed  it  she’s  pretty  confused  abt  this  too   !

what  she  is  most  certain  about  is  that  she  is  a  lesbian.  she’s  done  sexual  stuff  with  a  guy  once  and  Did  Not  Enjoy.  she’s  never  found  a  guy  attractive ;  she’s  not  had  a  crush  on  a  guy.

asexuality  is  something  she’s  felt  comfortable  labelling  herself  with  for  a  couple  of  years ,  but  she’s  still  not  totally  sure  if  she  actually  IS  asexual  because ,  like ...  she  does  feel  like  she  is  sexually  attracted  to  some  women.  thing  is  that  it’s  only  celebs     (   and  almost  excusively  much  older  women  as  well   ) ;     she’s  never  even  had  a  crush  on  someone  she’s  known  in  real  life.  so  while  the  idea  of  doing  sexual  stuff  with  a  hot  celeb  seems  appealing ,  she  hasn’t  enjoyed  any  of  her  real  life  sexual  experiences  so  it’s  like.  is  this  false  hope   ??     has  she  just  had  bad  experiences  or  is  she  actually  asexual   ???

which  is  the  reason  she  calls  herself  ‘ quoiromantic ’.  finds  it  difficult  to  distinguish  between  platonic ,  romantic ,  and  sexual  attraction.  honestly  tldr  is  she’s  muddled  about  this  and  while  she  doesn’t  know  What  she’s  feeling ,  it’s  nice  to  have  a  label  that  fits  her  confusion.

unsurprisingly ,  she  is  a  virgin.  she’s  had  a  handful  of  sexual  experiences  of  various  sorts     (   a  few  with  guys ;  mostly  with  female - presenting  people   )     +  a  couple  more  teen  kisses  outside  of  that ,  but  she’s  never  had  a  relationship  and  never  been  any  further.

she  is  still  questioning  and  that’s  ok.  she  thinks  she’s  a  lesbian  but  still  kisses  boys  sometimes.  she  thinks  she’s  ace  but  still  is  vaguely  sexually  active.  she’s  not  sure ,  so  she’s  still  experimenting.  and  that’s  all  ok  ok   !!!

random

it’s  pronounced  ‘ ASH - LING ’.

she  is  an  excellent  swimmer  and  can  hold  her  breath  for  nearly  two  minutes.

she  ‘ ran  away ’  quite  a  lot  as  a  little  kid  but  only  ever  to  mcdonalds.  it  would  only  ever  end  in  pa  coming  to  find  her  and  them  eating  chips   &   carrot  sticks  on  the  walk  home.

her  parents  weren’t  married  when  she  was  born     (   mostly  because  they  didn’t  have  the  money  to   ).     they  got  married  when  she  was  nearly  four  years  old.

she  loves  dogs.  hates  cats.  the  feeling  seems  to  be  mutual  with  each.

she  grew  up  with  a  german  shepherd  called  walter  who  was  her  ma’s  originally.  they  left  him  at  a  shelter  when  she  +  pa  ran  away ,  knowing  they  wouldn’t  be  able  to  look  after  him.

they  do  have  a  dog  now   !     his  name  is  romeo     (   ROO  for  short   ) ,     he’s  bright  white  and  85%  floof.  he  likes  to  sit  in  aislinn’s  lap  while  they’re  driving.

they  nearly  ran  him  over  when  he  sprinted  into  the  road  out  of  the  fog.  they  took  him  to  the  nearest  village  and  they  said  he  didn’t  belong  to  anyone  there  ——  he’d  been  living  off  rabbits  and  scraps  from  the  shepherd.  they  were  going  to  take  him  to  a  shelter  at  first  but  at  the  sight  of  him  sitting  up  in  the  back  seat ,  watching  the  landscape  pass  out  of  the  window ,  aislinn  burst  into  tears  at  the  idea  of  leaving  him.  he’s  been  driving  around  with  them  ever  since.  aislinn  is  100%  certain  he’s  a  ghost  or  an  ancient  god  or  something.

his  bark  is  actually  pretty  much  the  only  loud  noise  that  doesn’t  affect  her.  it’s  that  deep ,  sort  of  quiet  ‘ BOOF ’  that  big  dogs  do  and  it’s  probably  her  favourite  sound  on  the  whole  earth.