#they are making me hating him fr i have had enough seeing him everywhere

[dracimexidae]

Can i just fucking enjoy the match between Katie and Leylah without that fucking strip that occupies a third of the screen the tv broadcast put about Sinner?!?!?!

[bosinclairz]

(un)apologetic

thinking abt how mean bo can be sometimes . im not talkin light shit . this wasn’t supposed to be a fic and it wasn’t supposed to end like this lol deeply inspired by @ventiswampwater’s fic squall ( go read it rn )

warnings; abuse , mentions of past abuse , broken bones, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, mommy kink , bo is a piece of shit in this , mentions of rough oral (m receiving) , sub!bo tho :3 , weird dynamic , stockholm syndrome , kinda ooc bo idk , bro suckin on nipples and is weird abt it fr , oral (f receiving) bo cries . i hate this this was a mistake lol my bad yall

—————

he’s not at all the perfect boyfriend . he won’t let you even call him that, but you’ve been in ambrose for two years now , the better half spent with his hand wrapped around your throat, telling you the awfullest things . most times you’ll wake up half way through the day , his cock buried so deep in your throat you’re sure he’s touching whatever’s left of your heart . it belonged to him anyways . other times you’d wake up kneeling in broken glass , bo screaming at you over this little mistake , and the feeling of his hand coming down harshly across your cheek you’re sure you’ve got whiplash now . stupid , you’ve already made a mess and now you’ve gone and gotten hurt doing so . or you’d wake up in the shop , watching bo work underneath a car as he mumbled about tools he needed you to grab for him . you remember when he broke your foot with a wrench once , the metal making short work of cracking your ankle . vincent was the one to wrap it up , and bo never helped you walk after that . you hobbled around everywhere until the pain subsided enough to walk at least a little normally . if you were good , he’d let you lean on him , maybe he’d even carry you back to the house . you always tried your best to appease him , but he’s unpredictable and you can never guess his moods or how he feels about you one minute versus the next .

this is no different . this isn’t something you could ever predict . you didn’t follow him down to the station today . he didn’t want you to . said you were getting on his nerves too much recently , said he couldn’t stand the sight of you . you slept on the couch last night , for the few hours that weren’t filled by your silent sobs . he came home and you almost didn’t recognize him as the cruel man you previously knew , but either way you greeted him with a smile . how was his day ? you asked , making movements to take off his shoes .

“long day, mama,” he muttered. it was so soft you could’ve sworn the sentence ended in a whine . “yeah? tell me about it?” after removing your captors shoes, you stood to full height , ushering him to the couch you had made your bed on . “been thinkin’ too much,” a whisper, “been pushin’ you away an’ i don’ know why.” poor baby , too in his head . who was really the unfortunate one here ? you wouldn’t dare voice this , he’d kill you without a second thought . he never liked being weak .

“lemme make it up t’ya, mama. lemme be good for ya,” his eyes , when they found their way to yours , were broken . he pawed at your chest , silently begging for your permission . you’ve only had the pleasure of seeing him like this twice before . you know what to do by now .

“go on, baby,” you whisper , voice shuddering as he starts to pull up your shirt . somewhere beneath your clothes , bo’s searching for forgiveness.

his mouth wraps around your nipple , sucking and nipping gently . he doesn’t ignore the other , pinching and tugging at it . comfort . he finds comfort in this . why tell you how he feels when he can show it , as long as you never bring this up again .

your hand finds it’s way into his hair, tugging on curls softly as your breath hitches with each tug of his teeth . “you’re so good to me, baby,” you murmur . he’s searching for penance in your warmth , needing to right all the wrongs within your arms . “i have to admit,” your voice is shaky, worrying your words will cause an unwanted shift, “what you said last night has been on my mind today, baby.” a whine .

baby blues open, looking up at you with the most guilt you’ve ever seen bo have . your nipple falls from his mouth , an apology spilling from his lips , “i didn’t mean it, mama, i promise.” it’s sweet , too sweet , and you’re sure the taste of it is rotting his teeth .

silence falls over the both of you , and you wonder who will break first .

you pull him up , your lips meeting his in a passionate kiss . unlike every other time , there’s no malice , no teeth , and maybe if you tasted him hard enough , there was love there . his love tastes like copper , the kind that spills from the fresh wounds he leaves on your skin , reminding you who you belong to . it tastes like gasoline , and a match .

bo is the first to pull back , desperate eyes meeting yours . “lemme make you feel good, mama.” a hand drifts between your thighs , cupping at your sex . “please?” it’s soft and if you weren’t waiting for it , you could’ve missed it .

“yeah - yeah, please, bo.” his body moves down , leaving kisses in his wake as he makes his way between your legs . bo’s tugging down your shorts , exposing your needy , wet core . you didn’t wear underwear anymore , bo’s ripped and torn them all to shreds . that was months ago , and by the way he looks at you , he must’ve forgotten .

“you’re a whore, mama, ain’t that right?” a smirk , and you wonder if this moment would end with a hand around your throat and his dick stuffed deep inside you . you hope it doesn’t . you like this softer side of him . he hasn’t hit you , yet .and if you’re lucky , he won’t .

“yes-“ you gasp as he laps at your cunt , licking up the juices . “you did this,” you mumble, “you gotta fix it. don’t you wanna fix it?” he’s silent , and whether that be from his mouth making you see stars , or from some response dying in his throat , you weren’t sure . but with the way he sucks at your clit , you didn’t much care .

you liked this . you liked this control . in this moment , he was yours in every sense of the word . you wondered if you’d met under other circumstances if it would’ve ended like this , him between your thighs , going down on you with so much fervor you thought he was starving man .

you felt a wetness , and for a moment you thought you must’ve cum without thinking until you realized it was tears . bo was crying , continuing to eat you out like his life depended on it . he mumbled words you soon found out to be “m’sorry mama, please forgive me”.

it made your heart twist in a way that made you nauseous , and you regretted making this about control in that fucked up head of yours . he‘s broken , just as much as you are .

“it’s - fuck - it’s ok, baby,” your high was coming in fast , unable to stop the buck of your hips when he pushes two fingers into you , immediately curling and finding that spot he knows so well .

“ i forgive you “

a hushed cry , and you come undone on his tongue and fingers , pulling at his hair . and for a moment , you forgot who this was for .

“thank you,” bo mumbles , laying his head against your thigh .

it’s soft , so soft you’re sure you’re imagining it , but you swear you hear him utter those three words you’ve been dying to hear ;

“i love you.”

[treatian]

The Chronicles of the Dark One: Domestic Battles

Chapter 73: The Spell of Shattered Sight

He expected rage when he arrived at the shop, expected to find her fuming and angry, spewing hate and lies and all manner of un-Belle-like things.

He hadn't expected to find himself standing in the middle of a mess.

When he arrived at his shop the first thing he noticed was that something under his feet crunched.

Instinctively, he looked down and saw…glass?! Shards of it everywhere in pools of liquid that were smoking and stinking and…magic.

"What happened here?" he muttered, trying to figure out what had broken and how dangerous it was. He was standing in a pool of his own magic and glass that littered the floor, and suddenly he realized he couldn't just put her to sleep. She might fall and hurt herself.

"You!"

The growl came from across the room and twisted his already burning stomach into knots. One word and he already knew that it didn't even sound like Belle. She sounded possessed. And she looked the part too. All the love and goodness and mercy he usually saw shining in her eyes had vanished. Not even sorrow or guilt or shame remained. There was only anger. Anger and rage, and judgment. All the things he feared most of all in the woman he loved most of all. It was terrifying.

"Belle, just…just look at me and take a breath."

"I am looking at you!" she sneered. "Do you want to know what I see?"

"You don't want to say what you see; you'll only regret it by morning."

When she was in New York and normal again…

"I won't!" she roared in protest. "You put me here! You did this to me to keep me ignorant so I wouldn't see what you're doing! But I see Rumpelstiltskin. I see so much better than before."

She was moving, they were dancing. Not a waltz or a tango or anything he'd ever done with her, but rather, it was a step he'd learned long ago with Milah, circling the table, one of them yelling while the other tried to calm. He'd never been able to overtake Milah in that dance. It only ever ended when she excused herself to go to the tavern. That wasn't an option today. He couldn't let it come to that with Belle. He wouldn't.

"Belle, I'm sorry," he coaxed as he evaluated her steps and realized that to keep her safe, he'd have to lay his hands on her. He had to stop running. Either he'd have to give chase, or let her come to him. "But you only think what you're seeing is real. You need to come to me and let me help you. It'll be better for you if you just go to-"

He lunged for her, and she shrieked, moving somehow even further away than before. No. He couldn't let her leave as Milah had!

"No!" she screamed when she was safely away, holding her arms out to force him to keep his distance. "You're not sorry! You're never sorry! You don't feel anything! You don't feel guilt! You're a heartless beast and I was foolish to ever forget that about you! To ever think there was more to you than-"

"Belle!" he yelled back on purpose. He'd never yelled with Milah. And he'd never been the Dark One with Milah. And he'd never loved with Milah. And he'd never been who he was today with Milah.

Only Belle. Only with her. And her words stung but brought him out of his stupor enough to remember the task at hand. Long enough to make him remember who he was.

This Curse would make her ready to pitch a fight, and he did want her within arm's reach, maybe if he stalled long enough, she'd stop running and come right to him. Maybe if he provoked and pushed a little.

What did Belle, his Belle, already hate him saying and doing? She didn't like to be told her future. She didn't like it when he spoke in riddles and was over-protective. And she hated, above all, being told what to do. This Belle would no doubt handle those things just the way he wanted her to.

"You're not yourself, and you will regret everything that you are saying. I've seen you do it. Now, I promised you'd be safe, and I'm going to keep you safe, even if it's from yourself."

"No! The only one I'm in danger from here is you!"

He'd meant to draw her to him, to make her attack, but instead, she turned and ran out the door.

Rumpelstiltskin could never stop Milah when she walked out the door. But the Dark One could stop Belle.

Determined as she seemed to get away from him, he assumed she was going for the door and used his magic to cut her off before she could make it. In the shop's main room, she came skidding to a stop before she collided with him. While she was still off balance, he made another grab for her.

"Don't touch me!" she cried before retreating out of his grasp once more. "Don't you dare ever touch me again! I swear if you do, I'll-"

"If I don't, you'll only say more, and I won't let you live with that. You're not yourself!"

"Yes! Yes, I am myself! I'm seeing everything clearly for the first time."

"You only think you are."

"I know what you are now!"

She raised a hand to point at him accusingly.

"You can't hide it anymore."

He saw an opening. A disadvantage.

"I see what's truly in your heart, Rumpelstiltskin, and it's-No!"

Before she could utter another word, he grabbed that hand and tugged her forward. She tripped and cried out in pain, letting him know he'd unintentionally hurt something, but he'd feel guilty and angry with himself later. Right now, he had her restrained in his grasp, though the Curse within her demanded she keep fighting, even if it was a losing battle. Then again…maybe that was just his Belle.

"I love you," he muttered into her ear as she strained against him. "And I'm sorry for this, but soon enough, you will see that I'm doing this because I love you!"

And with that, he let his magic reach out and touch her mind. It fought through a strange fogginess he'd never found there before, but eventually, he felt her body stop struggling as it went slack against him.

Finally, she was asleep.

[zerobaseonefics]

so basically i applied to 4 in england 1 in poland and 1 in france since i dont want to live in germany anymore and yes im still fighting over my scholarship or something so its pretty stressful

NO FAKE SISTERS ANYMORE😜😜😜

valid reason. make sure to tell me about such things next time tho🙄🙄

yes i just had a lot of nail polish but thank you🤭

NO I UNDERSTAND YOU SO MUCH OMG LIKE NO CUZ I DONT WANNA SAY ANYTHING BUT CHOOSE ME PICK ME CHOKE ME STEP ON ME (im sorry) but real talk im so happy that you love enhypen and seventeen too😭🫶

IM NOT SO SURE BECAUSE IVE LITERALLY SEARCHED EVERYWHERE FOR IT AND I ONLY FIND FAKE ONES.. i think i eill buy the weverse version cuz at least then i will get heeseung or jake 👲

HSHSHSGSHAG THAT SOUBFS SO TRAGIC IM DORRY FOR YOU BSHSHSH IM word for not spending MONEY NOW FOR THE FACTIRY!!!

omg yes youre so smart like i didnt think about it😮😮😮😮 lovu so much u dont even know;;;;; i hate tutoring them tho they are so stupid

HSHSHSHA AND YES IM ALREADY TEACHING HIM WHAT YHE BEST MUSIC IS AND ALL THE CLOTHES HE HAS ARE FRIM ME🤭🤭

my heartbreak is magically leaving me now cuz youre so right about hes not heejayke🤪🤪🤪

NO CUZ YES LIKE HOW ARE THEY DOING IT😭😭 THIS IS SO WTF CUZ YOU ARE SO RIGHT AGAIN

HAHAHA I ALSO NEVER VOTE FOR THEM OR ANYTHING LIKE WHY SHOULD I DO THAT LOL THERE ARE PLENTY OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING THAT SO EHY SHOULD I??

YES HSHSHSGS ALL THANKS TO RICKY

I NEED TO LISTEN TO IT SHOW ME SHOW ME SHOW MEEEEE AND I NEED TO SEE YOU WAACKINH ONE DAY

i like big feet in shoes inly cuz it makes me feel petite😭👍 i have a shoe size 36 (eu) (at about 168cm height) (btw how tall are you i didnt ask i think) and i think that im too tall so i like everything that is bigger than me👲👍 btw i hate feet like they disgust me so much you dobt even know (but i like feet in shoes)

me so interesting and funny 😂!!😂!!😂!! everything aside::: thank you😜😜😜🫶🫶🫶 lovely to hear that icl…

AY FR LIKE HOW DOES JAKE LOOK SO GOOD WTF?? I FEEL LIKE IM DROOLING EVERYTIMR I SEE HIM.. not normal man

wait until you see this😂!!😂!!😂!!😂!!😂!! (btw 2 of ! mean the red !! emoji i just cant find it)

about 10000 pins with enhypen

WDYM THEY WONT LISTEN TO POCS???? BRO I HATE THE POLIVE THERE (btw in paris there was such a hot black police officer like maaaan bro was stunning)

YES TELL ME EHY YOU STARTED WAACKING I BEGGGGGGGGGGGGG🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

happy to see that you also love p1harmony!!!!!!!!! whos your bias???? mines are intak and theo🤭🤭🤭

ohhh that's so cool that you're going overseas!!! do you know anyone in these countries? (except for poland since u told me your family lives there)

BYE PURE STAND UP THESE ARE MEN YOU CAN'T BE DOWN BAD LIKE THIS FOR MEN

ngl i learnt that recently too 💀 but fr random things like that can be put on your resume, they also appreciate knowing you do things like sports or music, or caricative actions... so yeah even small works like this count!

LITERALLY THIS IS HOW I THINK WHY WOULD I DO THAT??? OTHER WILL DO IT ANYWAYS. plus im sorry i don't need to be doing all that for my favs like... they provide me music i provide them money by listening, i don't need to be giving them more..........

tutoring really is hell especially when you suck at explaining things 😭 you can be very strong in something but have no clue how to teach it, and you also have to be patient cuz the person might not understand right away.. yeah i hate it

here's my cover of over me!! it's with my big sister. just so you can know when i sing, i'm the one who starts the song and i have the deeper voice. she's not very confident with her singing and that's my i sing most of the song and do all the adlibs 💀

I'LL SHOW YOU MY WAACKING THE DAY I'LL BE GOOD ENOUGH AT IT ‼️ I'M STILL A BEGINNER YK

ofc i love p1h 🤭 my bias is keeho

[suckmybigtoeoikawa]

Hello, I saw your request page. Hopefully, requests are still open. If they are, can I please request some headcanons sfw or nsfw for Keigo(Hawks), Taishiro (Fat Gum), Toshinori (All Might), and Enji (Yes, Endeavor.) With a curvy bbw, beautiful black woman, big beautiful woman. (We thicc girls need love too) I can never find any good ones. They're all so lame. If Enji isn't someone you can't do, maybe you can do (Hizashi) Present Mic. I know a lot of people hate Endeavor, for good reason but I like the direction he's heading. And honestly, the idea of him being put into his place by a tiny sassy black woman, I live for it.😌

dawg i’ve been on break for the longest but i gotchu 🤝

n since i literally haven’t wrote in like an eternity imma do endeavor ans present mic, yk gotta spoil my bby😩

i went over board with hawks…

Keigo

aint no way this man not gonna date a black girl

on top of that i imagine her being thick/plus size so like 👀

Keigo is a ass man for sure ain’t not way this man ain’t about the ass

you’ll catch him staring at you ass or always wanting to feel it

he just wanted to touch you all the time

ONTOP OF THAT HE’S SHAMLESS ABOUT IT TOO

there’s a photo of you guys in public and s his hand is right on your ass while he’s grinning at the camera.. stg that got some news going

he’s the type to like hold onto your stomach, or like play with your stomach fat

and it’s lowkey annoying but he just can’t help himself

everyday there is constant praise for your body, like literally he’s always saying something slick but ofc in an endearing way stuff like

“hey do a 360 for me… now just do a 180.. gah dayum”

“but like wouldn’t it be funny if you just like.. say on my face.. hahaha.. i’m being serious.”

SPEAKING OF SITTING ON FACES, he’s like the type to threaten to throw himself off a building just so u can sit on his face, you think i’m playin he don did it before he will not hesitate to strike again…

whenever you do sit on his face he’s always pressing your cunt down deeper into his face, he wants to taste every part of you

he’s the type to grip your ass when your riding him, he fr act like he can’t handle it but chileeeee

he will have you everywhere

he’s also the type to show u off, like seriously people are sick of him

“look at my baby” this nigga squealin

but yeah he’s so sweet, his heart beat faster when he’s with you and so does his cock 🤭

Taishiro

literally will carry you, like stop bro he’d carry you all over the place

he’s so sweet towards his s/o he thinks you could fr do no wrong cause you just so cute to him omfg

and i cannot stress this enough .. he’s obsessed with you like your literally the first thought on his mind :((

another tummy grabber

he’ll hug you from behind and grab your stomach and just continue have small talk with you like he’s not using you as a personal stress ball

OMFG

he would kiss your stomach too like dawg whattttt so fucking cute

he’s all about body positivity so he loves when your feeling yourself in a nice outfit

especially when all your assets look good, shooooot he gonna be like “come here girl”

he’s also the type to squeeze your cheeks, on your face or the other ones

also kiss your cheeks :(((

he also wouldn’t care if your big spoon or little spoon but he prefers to be big spoon

when he hugs you he lifts you up bro omfg

yea overall he’s so sweet towards you and everytime he sees you he calls you precious cause to him your so precious :((

Enji 🙄

idk he’s giving sugar daddy vibes

he’s the type to buy you nice little silk nightgowns

and pay for everything dawg

but he’s the type to lay on your chest, like your suffocating but it’s a nice way to go out

he treats you really nicely and is in love with you thighs, he will buy you certain outfits that try to make your thighs stand out

during more sensual times he’s the type to kiss you thighs, or if he’s feeling more frisky he’d leave bite marks or hickeys

there was a moment when you and Enji had sex the day before you went to the beach and the press was there

you had to lie to them and tell them that a dog bit your thigh.. and enji wasn’t looking any better with the red scratches on his back

i think he prefers to see your natural hair out and doing it as well, because of the difference in hair types, it’s new to him

before you guys started dating you fr had to put his big ass in check, cause who tf does he think he catching an attitude with 😐

you would grab his by his tie and make his ass get on your level and tell him that you wasn’t there for none of that bullshit dawg

ans he listened 😋

but yeah he’s pretty good

he’s fr the thigh destroyer, will take your thighs off with a knife and fork

Hizashi

i swear if you say anything bad about yourself he’s gonna start fighting the air

his goal is to just make you laugh cause he loves your smile, he loves the way you laugh

but aside from that he lives the way your body moves, like omfg

you don’t think your doing anything, but to him your doing everything

he’ll try to get you to dance with him, cause yk he likes to see you move

and he has a bad (/good) habit of always having his hands on you, but it becomes bad because his hands will go to low… or to high..

like one time you were dancing with him and his hands went from your hips down to your ass

like oh.. we’re in public

or you’ll be cookin something and his hands travel up toooooo far, ans it gets you flustered

i feel like he loves your natural hair because he loves to do hair together at the same times

but i feel like he loves it when you get braids

another bad problem he has his whenever you get braids, especially long ones, he wants to pull on them

fight him. like actually

cause he will do it during random ass times

he lays on your chest dawg, and between your thighs

shoot even on your ass

be thinks the stomach gurgling sounds nice

like oh…

but he’s so funny during your whole relationship, and he’s so accepting of learning and adapting to new things 10/10 partner

**

i’m so sorry this came out so late, but after a whole lot of life events imma try to post a lot more :))

I hope you enjoyed it 🤍 Please Like, comment what you think and follow 🤍 have a great day 🤍

masterlist

[katsu28]

ghost of you

JJ Maybank x Ghost of You by 5 Seconds of Summer

summary: JJ copes with Y/N’s death but like inspired fr om lyrics from Ghost of You

warnings: alcohol, mentions of death, light swearing (like three words), just general angst (if i missed anything pls let me know!)

a/n: Hooray for my first post on this site, but in all honesty I actually hated myself for writing this at 3AM but it was sad boi hours 🥲 also this is probably like partially non-canon JJ bc idk if he’d want kids, but the rest of it is kind of canon I guess?

Also I actually got the inspiration for this from reading another post on here that kinda had the same concept but I forgot exactly who it was...if anyone even sees this and knows who or what I’m talking about, lmk and I’ll give credits!

here i am waking up, still can’t sleep on your side

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You and JJ had plans for your future; silly delusions that the two of you conjured up on nights when you would lay in bed wrapped up in each other’s embrace. You were gonna go to college, JJ would study to become a mechanic, and you’d share a little apartment in whatever place you decided to settle down in. Somewhere near a beach definitely, so the two of you could always get your surf fix. You’d get a dog—a big one, not one of those tiny yappy ones, JJ said. Then eventually, when the time was just right—after you’d graduated and JJ opened his own garage—you’d have kids. One boy, one girl; one happy family.

JJ never expected he’d lose you before all your dreams came true, and now he couldn’t even sleep in the bed you used to share. Not when every time he breathed in, all he was hit with was the scent of you. Of what he no longer had.

there’s your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time

Time. That’s what everyone said he needed. Time to recover, time to rebuild—time to forget. But how could JJ forget when everywhere he looked, he was reminded of you? Your mugs in the kitchen cabinet, the ones that you would make stupid faces at him from behind the steam of your coffee every morning. Your sweaters and shirts thrown around on the floor in the closet, where you always yelled at JJ to help you pick out an outfit for date night, flipping him off when he told you you’d look beautiful in anything and everything you wore. And especially the little notes that you’d always leave tucked into the pockets of his shorts or under the brim of his hats—tiny scraps of paper that reminded him to have a good day, or to tell him that you loved him, or even just a stupid joke that always made him chuckle when he felt down. Every note, he saved, because he couldn’t bear to throw them away, even after you were gone.

If time was what it took to forget you, then JJ wished he could stop it.

if i can dream long enough, you’d tell me i’d be just fine

You were JJ’s rock—the one thing that kept him tethered to the ground and kept him from exploding. Every time he got too worked up, or when his dad was being an even bigger piece of shit than normal, or even just when you noticed he was a little on edge, you’d always take his hand and place it on your chest; right above your heart, telling him that as long as he could feel your heart beating under his fingertips, you were gonna make sure he was just fine.

Oh, what a cruel and painful memory it was now.

Now, JJ could only feel your heart beating in his dreams, and it wasn’t the same. Not by a long shot. He could hear your voice telling him he’d be just fine, but that was a fucking lie. Nothing would ever be just fine, because life was nothing without you.

so i drown it out, like i always do; dancing through our house, with the ghost of you

JJ drowned his sorrows in the only way he knew how to cope—by getting blasted and drunk every night—to the point where he couldn’t sleep otherwise. Not here, not in this house that was no longer a home since you died. He couldn’t bear to be in the place that had since grown cold unless he was super fucking hammered. Because sometimes, if he smoked just enough weed and downed just enough alcohol, JJ swore he could see you dancing around like you always used to do. And those were the only times he would really smile—dancing through the house with drunken hallucinations of his dead girlfriend instead of facing the fact that you were really gone.

Because if he had to do that, oh god—JJ wasn’t sure he’d survive. Not without you.

[soobasaur]

are you mine?

— a lee minho au

genre: enemies to lovers minho x gender neutral!reader

a/n: this is for my bestie who has been in a minho obsession lately and needs more content, you know who you are :]

« masterlist

you and minho didnt exactly,,,get along very well for a while

the only reason you both even knew each other was two of your best friends were dating and merged ur friend groups

(thanks a lot binsung 〴⋋_⋌〵)

you wouldnt go as far as to say you hated him

but you liked to pretend you did

you just barely saw him around so why not just mke him your mortal enemy??

it was easier to hate him then admit he was decent company!!

you had a reputation to uphold!!!!

and apparently he did too because he never really disagreed,,,,

you guys just ever had a chance to get off on the right foot and really talk

mutual disagreement <33

the thing is, the both of you were never left alone together

like ever

until that one time yall were abandoned (-д-；)

you and ur friend groups planned a hang out but everyone ended up cancelling last minute with no excuse

it was just you two who didnt get the memo and ended up alone

now that you think about it,,,that sounds like smth ur friends would do on purpose

(again, fuck u binsung!! ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ )

so just picture this,,,you and minho both showing up to an arcade and sitting in silence for an hour before getting a text that everyone cancelled

your immediate thought was to go home bc why would minho want to hang out with you???

but after the both of you read the text in the groupchat he got up and made his way inside, holding the door open and quirking his eyebrow up at you

“well, are you coming or not? I wanna try the new vr game.”

and you were just like \\(⊙︿⊙)// ???

he? wants?? to hang out??? with just you????

but u ended up following him in and he paid for your guy’s tickets ≧◡≦

“just buy me lunch after and we’re even”

lunch??? now this mf wants to get lunch together?!$%

you learned one thing about minho that day

he was,,,competitive,,VERY competitive

like what demon possessed him kind of competitive

whenever he won he would flash you a smirk and skip to the next game as he dragged his row of tickets along

it INFURIATED U!!!

ur pride was in shambles

so you unleashed everything after that and won a good amount of games ;)

u had been eyeing a cute cat plush the entire time but u didnt have enough tickets at the end :((

o(╥﹏╥)o damn it capitalism u just wanted a plushie

you didnt rlly want anything else so you gave your tickets to minho and waited to the side for him to get his prize

he came out with tHE SAME PLUSHIE YOU HAD BEEN EYEING \\( ಠ_ಠ)//

but before you could sulk about it he handed it to you and started to make his way to the exit Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ

and during lunch this bitch ended up paying even after saying you should (｀ε´)

\(▰˘◡˘▰)//\\ (▰˘◡˘▰)//\\ (▰˘◡˘▰)// \\(▰˘◡˘▰)//

After that...hang out if you will,,u started to notice minho everywhere

LIKE E V E R Y W H E R E

why was this bitch all over your college campus?

you never noticed minho was in ur class for the longest time jsskkfk

like all of a sudden u just spotted him out of the corner of ur eye and were like o h

once he noticed you too there was no going back

say good bye to paying attention in class

(as if you ever did anyways)

he started to inch closer to you during class

he even started sending you notes

ಠ▃ಠ and u were so paranoid the professor would catch you

but this bitch was slick so u were fine

��(๏∀๏ )ﾉ

he was the type of guy to throw little crumpled sticky notes at you whenever he wanted to say something during class

they’d be covered with doodles of cats and his scribbly messy handwriting + little hearts

it was usually just some dumb thought he had or a crude drawing of the professor (. ﾟーﾟ)

other than those few notes you guys never really talked outside ur friend group

there was one incident late at night tho

you had a big project coming up and it was 2am and you were...2 sentences in T_T

you deserved a coffee break <3

so that was how you found under the awning of an all night coffee shop

except it wasn't all night and closed right after you got ur coffee!!

and now u were stuck under the awning!!

all you had was your measly hoodie that you stole from changbin and your now soggy cup of coffee as you waited for the rain to pass

you might as well of just stayed home since ur wasting all this time you could’ve been working on your project standing outside

were you gonna work on the project once you got home? no

but did the thought of wasted time still make you mad? yes

you slumped against the shop as you bitterly drank your coffee, crushing the cup between your hands

after a couple minutes you felt the rain above you stop

you look to your side to see,,,minho?!

this mf was holding an umbrella above your head

“here, take my umbrella.”

thats when you noticed the cafe uniform he had on

“you work here?” you asked, before taking the umbrella from his hand

“yeah, your observant ass didnt see me literally make your coffee,”

“oh whoops,,,i thought you hated me, why are you giving me our umbrella?”

“i do, but id rather you uh...not die in the cold looking like a dead rat.”

was it just you or were his cheeks dusted pink?

probably the cold

(y/n you dumb bitch-)

you both walk back to your dorms after that

and he insists you carry the umbrella

cus his poor arms are tired from making coffee all day :((

and maybe it's an excuse to be closer to you

since hes a bit taller he has to crouch and scoot closer to you in order to not get wet >_<

⊙﹏⊙ ⊙﹏⊙ ⊙﹏⊙

over the next few weeks your find urself at the cafe he works at more often

one time you got the hours wrong and he wasnt on shift :(

but when you got up to leave he walked in and spent the day helping you study instead of working

you went for the coffee!! not for him!! definitely not,,,

(¬‿¬)

“look, im only hanging out with you cus you get the employee discount.”

“sure, and not cus you enjoy my company-”

“i 100% despise your company.”

ok but u didnt

u actually /REALLY/ liked his company

like WTF

where has he been all ur life

ew that sounded too romantic

but like fr where was he hiding

(・ε・｀)

soon you both were joining binsung on their dates

but it wasn't a double date!!

it was just four friends hanging out and two happened to be a couple

and they liked to hang out at fancy restaurants and do couple like activities

totally normal!!

there was one incident where you were about to pay for your meal but minho placed his hand on top of yours and slid his card instead

“you can pay on the next date.”

NEXT? DATE??

excuse me sir what do u mean-

you ignored changbin and jisung’s snickers behind you the entire night

when minho walked you home you couldnt help but let urself blurt out

“was this a date?”

minho gave you an incredulous look

“...was it not??”

oh my god this is embarrassing

“OH MY GOD WAS IT NOT?!!”

you ignored how minho was now turning crimson red and panicking and tugged on his collar, pulling him down for a kiss

“it was...a date” you mumble, now shy at the close proximity between the two of you

“...im gonna kill jisung.” he muttered, pulling you in for a hug, “he told me this was a double date”

“that can be our next date, the murder of our best friends.”

“wow i am in love with you.”

＼（＾○＾）人（＾○＾）／

minho and y/n murder besties!!

for legal reasons that is a joke

( ˶˘ ³˘(˵ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°˵)♡

thank you for reading !!

[bunnirs]

Adult Trio with a Sassy S/O!

Requested by: Anon!

“Dgeidj hello I love your writing its 🥰precious🥰 ahhh could you do a head canon thingie with the adult trio having a super sassy s/o? Like a she/he roasts the HELL outta them-“

Hisoka

THIS MAN,,,, WOAH HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU DISBDKSJS

MAN HE FINDS UR SPARKY ATTITUDE JUST HAWTTTTTTT

like dang hawty,,, save the rest for me um??

THIS MAN LOVES PLAYFUL BANTER

Definitely gets hard when you roast the shit out of him,,, and other people

Well, Hisoka’s already horny 24/7 so it’s nothing new!!

He takes you EVERYWHERE BECAUSE OF IT

He has a meeting with the Troupe? You’re so coming with him

He usually doesn’t like it when people interfere with something so serious,,

But he hates the troupe

And you hate anything he hates

So he lets you at them like a rabid dog

DEF CALLS YOU HIS PET AND THAT MAKES YOU TURN YOUR ASS AROUND AND BEAT HIM UP INSTEAD

of course THAT GETS HIM MAD AND THEN HE TRIES TO EMBARRASS YOU BUT IT BACKFIRES

You are legit IMPOSSIBLE to embarrass

You’re dating HISOKA OF ALL PEOPLE?!

Literally BUILT DIFFERENT

He fr mad but DANG YOURE SO HOT

Illumi

This man doesn’t think you’re extra level of sassy-ness is needed

And you clap back with

“And who says your obsessive behavior is?”

And he’s quiet

He wasn’t expecting you to call him out like that

JFJSKDJSJ THAT GETS HIM THINKING

What else are you hiding in that mouth of yours? (Besides a tongue and teeth of course)

AS YOU TWO CONTINUE TO GO ON MISSIONS TOGETHER,, he sees you and your roasts first hand

You’re so deadly

JUST YOUR ROASTS ALONE CAN KILL A MAN

And MAN HE GETS WHIPLASH

So,,,, ATTRACTIVE

like he’s so impressed by your choice of words 👁👄👁

He thought you were just stupid

BUT YOU’RE STUPID AND SASSY

Soon enough,, he starts doing it too

He likes to have banter with you,,

It makes him feel included

And EVEN IF HES BAD AT FIRST???

It’s still cute um??

BOW DOWN THE SASSY LORDS 🧍‍♀️❤️

Chrollo

This man,,, was not expecting it at all

You were someone Feitan brought in for interrogation (ahem. TORTURE. ahem.)

You weren’t rude, you told them things, but then you’d always throw in a few insults and jokes

And Feitan just wanted to KILL YOU

but Chrollo was thoroughly impressed

You weren’t scared... almost as if this was your element?

As if you were in control

HE HAD TO KNOW WHO YOU WERE

you made this stupid smirk and said “I still use my ex’s Hulu log-in, and yes, I will gladly share it with you.”

BRO THIS MAN WAS LIKE “GIVE ME THE HULU PLEASE”

Jk jk, he didn’t care about the Hulu

He did laugh though 🥺 and it was a cute laugh lemme tell you-

N E WAYS-

AFTER HE TALKED TO YOU, he wanted you to join the troupe

You didn’t seem to feel pain, and he could definitely use you for missions

SO THATS HOW YOU TWO STARTED

after that, the two of you would have sweet talk,,,

Like the Victorian Banter in pride in prejudice

Y’all would try to out wit eachother

LEMME TELL YOU THE TROUPE WAS SWEATING BULLETS

Almost like “omg don’t attack eachother”

BUT YOU TWO LOVED EACHOTHER

feitan would try to say something smart, but turns out, he messes it up

Dang speech impediment

BUT YOU PRETEND TO BE OFFENDED AND FEITAN FEELS GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF

Chrollo is just like “🥺 omg you’re so nice”

And then you’d flip him off

🥺 turns into 😑

[kizoojin]

what i really like about daiya is the consistency, like a repetitive sequence but so subtle you have to like squint to make sense of it

like say, there's the three new first years that made to first string

the ever small yui, wolf-boy okumura, and then there's yuuki

the similarity to last year's first years are so obvious it's hilarious

yuuki is a genius batter like haruichi, yui and okumura are both catchers while sawamura and furuya are both pitchers, like come on now there's no way that ain't on purpose

yui is literally sawamura's counterpart, funny right?

both have high expectations of themselves

always wanting to improve, forever growing

while sawamura lacks experience, yui lacks physical

sawamura absorbs everything like sponge, while yui proves height is not the only thing you need in baseball w his skills

sawamura's fixated on miyuki's approval, yui's fixated on furuya's approval

theyre literally sunshine children

both work so hard, but very little recognize it

it took almost a year for sawamura's teammates to acknowledge him, yui tries so hard to play the position he wants to play but he's been tossed around everywhere without being able to really prove himself]

then there's okumura that basically is furuya

both had bad experience w their past baseball team

furuya came to seidou for miyuki, okumura came for sawamura (and maybe furuya too?)

they're both so competitive lolol

both also have trouble eating

they both had shoujo moment with the ppl they chasing LMAO, like come on when miyuki caught furuya's for the first time then there's okumura who warmed up sawamura for the first time

precious children

i fr think they meant for okumura to not make it to first string as fast like furuya did, but made yui make the first string just as quick like eijun didn't its wild, the consistency to these characters are so mindboggling

and then last is yuuki w haruichi

both have really deep respect for their older brothers

came to seidou to see what their brothers seen

obviously both "better" than their brothers

yuuki knows he can surpass tetsu, ryousuke knows haruichi can surpass him

ive not rlly seen much of yuuki, honestly and its sad bc his character is so comical lmaoo. very similar to his brother who so adamant on being so bad at shogi and not knowing it

daiya is such a slow build anime, it takes HELLA patience to like it. i honestly dropped the anime so many times and only went back to it recently bc i want more of miyuki, but then fall and daiya ii happened and gawd, im just mindblown bc the characters start to build up on you

i freaking love mei LOL, i legitimately hated him in the first season but this boy is so hard to resist

you dont understand how much i screamed when he said "I AM KING" like YES MY BABY LMAOOO yakushi makes me smile and i luv raichi and sanada, but man their participation in koushien despite losing to seidou made me eh for a bit bc kinda wild

seidou and inashiro been fighting to go to nationals tooth and nail for the last six or so years and then there's yakushi. i get why tho, but doesnt mean i like it

i also didnt like eijun much, but my baby grew so much you just cant help but love him. even his annoying shouting spree became so endearing, i look forward to it every time he's in the bullpen. that pitching he did during spring against Ichidai is so fucking precious like OMG i understood what the coach and miyuki were trying to do, but they were basically babying furuya knowing he was anything but that, furuya is stronger than that as miyuki put it and ik they have a lot of expectations on aces but god that scene made me so sad bc furuya's alone in his thoughts as it is then they left him even more alone even w eijun there to help him, help them. it's not just furuya that's fighting something, bc eijun is too, everyday and it hurt that they made eijun cry and made him feel like he's not even good enough to be prioritized when he can be so much more. even furuya acknowledges it and it makes me sad bc i really ship miyusawa, but at that moment, i just didn't

anywho i love daiya LMAO, im waiting for the moment the chapters are at least updated bc i cant take cliff hangers rn lolol

ALSO OMG LOL I FUCKING LUV HIS EYES HERE

[softboywriting]

Hate To Love You | Poe Dameron

Summary: You and Poe have been friends since you arrived at the Resistance base three years ago. Well, friends who often want to strangle each other as much as they want to take the other to bed. After a solo mission gone wrong you get teamed up with Poe for a follow up mission on Canto Bight. The two of you together under the right circumstances may lead to something neither of you can resist, and confessions that can’t be taken back. [Star wars universe] [nsfw themes no smut] [fluff] [fr-enemies to lovers [[sort of]] 

Word Count: 6k

|Masterlist In Bio|

You find yourself in a bad area of Kajimi while on an intel mission for Leia. There is supposedly a man with information about the location of an abandoned First Order fleet ship that would be an excellent salvage opportunity. Stars above know the Resistance can use all the weapons and ship parts they can get their hands on. You went in alone, opting to leave behind your usual partner Daya, while she was laid up from a blaster burn. It was supposed to be an easy job. You go into Kajimi City, go to a cantina called Knicks and meet a man in an emerald green robe. He would give you a holopad and you would leave. Of course that does not happen.

You enter the cantina and immediately note that it is absolutely packed from wall to wall. It's loud, as most are, and you make your way around, looking for the man in the emerald robe. It's hard to see as it's barely lit. It's a divey place, sketchiness oozes from every inch of the establishment. Bad things, illegal things, happen here. You keep your head down, pull your hood up and keep moving.

"Oh look at her! Hey honey, gimme some of that body." Some guy hollers as you pass him.

You step forward and push past two big aliens that are conversing in grunts. You cannot stand being hit on. It's so irritating. You wore baggy jumpsuit pants and one of Poe's jackets to make yourself seem shapeless. Apparently that didn't work as well as you hoped. You wish the contact would show up or make himself seen because you're not keen on asking the barkeep about him. Last time you did that it ended badly, as the person you were after was not well liked.

There isn't much time to worry about all of that when a loud boom shakes the cantina, causing a hush to fall over the crowded room.

"First Order! Run!" Someone yells and then panic erupts.

You're jostled around as patrons begin to hurry for the exit. This sucks, there is no way you're going to get the intel now. Fuck it. You head for the exit, squeezing past a few droids to get out into the cold night air. Sure enough there are stormtroopers everywhere grabbing people left and right. You duck into an alley and head for anywhere that is not the middle of town.

The alley goes to a dead end that has an open sewer tunnel grate. It's better than nothing. You'll camp out in the tunnels and wait until things settle down topside. You slide past the bars and head into the dark passageway, pulling your flashlight out for a better visual. Unfortunately you don't make it too far before you come face to face with a blaster as you enter a dim lit tunnel.

"How'd you find this place?" The woman on the other end of the blaster says. "You're not part of the crew."

"I ran from the stormtroopers and slipped through an open sewer grate. I don't mean any harm."

"That jacket, where'd you get it?"

You look down and back up. "Uh, someone gave it to me?"

The woman walks forward, blaster still trained on you. "I know this jacket. Who are you?"

"I'm with the resistance. I can leave, I will find another place to stay until the stormtroopers clear out."

"What's your name?"

You swallow thickly. Why does your name matter? And why is she obsessed with this jacket? "Dameron. My name is Dameron."

"Dameron? Poe Dameron? Are you related?"

Oh fuck. She knows Poe. Shit. Fuck. He told you he once had bad luck on Kajimi, but he also said he had friends there. He never specified exactly what bad luck meant, but of course you'd run into someone who knew him. It's a fifty fifty chance, either this person is a friend or an enemy and you're gonna have to roll the dice. "He's my...husband?"

She scoffs. "He's alive? That son of a bitch. I should tea-"

"Zorii! They've taken Burnham!" Someone shouts from down the tunnel.

The woman makes a noise of annoyance. "Listen, you tell Poe if he ever steps foot on Kajimi again I will have his head on a platter and serve the rest of him to a sand worm. And if I see him outside if Kajimi it's on sight. Got it?"

"Yep. Got it." You turn and head back to the entrance of the tunnels. Sweat runs down your back and you walk faster, feeling the wall for guidance. You're too afraid to turn your light back on in case Zorii comes after you. You're done taking chances today, it's time to get back to your ship and get back to base. Fuck the intel.

_____________________

"Hey! You made it back!" Poe cheers, clapping you on the back as soon as you enter the command center. He's the only one in there, seemingly going over the latest attack plans on a First Order base. "How was Kajimi? Did you get the coordinates?"

"No, I didn't." You pull off your hat and gloves, slapping them on the table. "Do you know a woman named Zorii?"

Poe's face pales, eyes wide. "Perhaps, why?"

"I ran into her on accident. She recognized your jacket!" You pluck at the leather collar. "I'm fairly certain I'm lucky to be alive."

"Whoa hold on, did you say it was mine?"

"Sort of? I don't know, she asked my name and I said Dameron because I didn't want to give my real name because safety and whatever and I didn’t think any more of it. But of course she knew you! And she seemed to think you were dead. Wanna explain?"

"You gave my name?!" Poe grabs his hair and turns away, pacing the length of the star chart console. "Fuck! What did you tell her? I need to know. Did you say you were my sister? My cousin? My child?"

"First of all I'm too old to be your child you idiot. I said wife."

"Wife?! Oh for ewoks sake. You told her I was married?!"

You shrug the jacket off and throw it on a console. "I took a chance Poe! I had no idea if she was a friend or a foe!"

"Oh you took a chance alright. I'm so fucking dead now."

"Why? She was pissed but how bad can it be?"

Poe laughs debilitatingly. "Faking my own death to get out of the crew and join the resistance? Is that bad? Or hold how about this, I faked my death and we were seeing each other at the time I did."

Your jaw drops. "Poe Dameron! You did what?!"

"Yeah! Yeah, no I know! I'm a huge piece of shit but I did what I had to do to keep my ass alive."

You throw your hands up and turn away, walking toward the seating area. "You couldn't just break up with her like a normal person? No?"

"It wasn't about her, it was about leaving the crew."

"Then just leave!"

"Just leave? You have no idea how much shit that would put me in. I faked my death to sever all ties. Spice runners don't let people just leave when you know about their production and-"

"SPICE?!"

"Yeah that's what I said. We all have a past, don't start with me." He groans and sinks down into a chair. "I'm so fucking dead."

"You're only dead if you set foot on Kajimi. Just don't go there."

"Ah, yeah sure. Didn't plan on that regardless. The point isn't that I want to go back to Kajimi one day, it's a shit hole anyway, it's that Zorii knows I'm not dead and I lied to her. She's going to be furious and probably come after my ass."

"Well she can't miss it."

Poe gives you a death stare. "I'm aware my ass is big. Believe me, the seats in the falcon remind me every fucking time. I don't need this right now." He stands and heads for the exit as a few Captains enter. You watch as he leaves and turn your chair toward the console behind it, burying your face in your hands and sighing heavily.

______________________

"Poe?" You call out tentatively as you enter the area of the hangar where he's been working on his x-wing for the last several hours. It's been a day since you got into it in the command center and you feel horrible for making him angry. He's your commander, and you'd even say friend though you butt heads a bit, but at the end of the day you do care for him. A lot. More than you probably should, even if he is a real pain in your ass. He gets under your skin and makes you hotter than any man ever has. It's a fine balance of attraction and irritation.

Sure enough he's laying across the top of his x-wing, foot hooked into the opening of the cockpit, stretched out reaching something inside the engine. He's got on just his cargo pants and a black tank top and you cannot help but stare at his ass. Yes, you teased him about it earlier but in all honesty you love it. It's so...grabable and sexy. He has no idea. Or maybe he does. It seemed like a sore subject earlier but you had been teasing him so that's your fault.

"Poe?" You say a bit louder and he pushes up out of the engine, arms holding him up against the mainframe. His hair is curled beyond belief, the humidity and sweat most likely.

"What now?"

"I wanted to say sorry for yesterday morning."

He pushes himself up farther and repositions himself to slide off the edge of the x-wings body to stand in front of you. He wipes his hands on his tank and crosses his arms. "Why'd you say you were my wife?"

"Huh? I told you, because-"

"No. No, you could have said sister or cousin, anything. But you chose to say wife. Why?"

"I guess I thought it was the safest option." You shrug and dig your boot into the dusty concrete. You definitely haven't imagined what it would be like to be his wife. To be his girlfriend even. Definitely not.

"You thought- oh." Poe hums. "Well I got news for you, wife. We have an assignment together."

"What? Why?"

"Because our friend with the coordinates has taken refuge in Canto Bight."

"The casino resort city? Why the fuck would he go there?"

Poe shrugs. "It beats me. Maybe the guy has a gambling problem. Either way, you and I are going and we are getting those coordinates."

"Why do you need to go?"

"As your partner."

Your heart sinks. Leia knows you blew it on Kajimi. It wasn't supposed to be a solo mission but you said you could handle it. Not that it was your fault the first order decided to raid the city. But why Poe? Why not send someone else with you? Daya? Rose? Wexley?

"Why?"

Poe jumps and hits the release for the hood of the x-wing to fall closed. "Why, because Leia said so."

"Why you? Doesn't she need you here for stuff?"

He smiles and hooks his thumbs in the belt loops of his pants. "It's gonna be me because I asked for the mission."

"You're messing with me aren't you? This is some kind of retribution for outing your fake death."

"Maybe, maybe not." He wraps his arm around your shoulders and pulls you against him. "Pack your bags, because it's honeymoon week on Canto Bight."

"What?!"

"Oh yeah. They're only letting couples in and seeing as you're my wife now..."

"POE DAMERON!"

"Mmm?"

You shove him and he cackles. "You asshole! You are so petty for this."

"Yeah well you signed my death warrant. The least I can do is get even just a little bit."

"I'm not going to sleep with you!" You shout back as you walk away. "I'm not your real wife!"

"We'll see about that!"

_____________________

Poe Dameron can clean up nice. Galaxies he looks like a model when he peels off the fighter suit and runs his hand over his curls. He's in a red silken dress shirt, the top three buttons undone and showing off his gold chain beneath that dips down low on his chest. Black slacks that are definitely tailored because they hug his butt and thighs like they're made for him. Fuck.

"Are you going to change?" Poe asks, gesturing to your flight suit. "I don't think they'll let us in if you're in that."

"Of course I'm going to change." You tug at the velcro of your suit and peel it open to reveal your dress beneath. It's not too fancy, just a simple black dress, knee length and short sleeved. You don't have a lot of nice clothes, they just aren't something you keep around. You do have a necklace from your mom, a nice silver chain with a blue gem pendant. You don't look nearly as nice as Poe does.

"So our cover is that we're a newly wed couple who can't keep their hands off each other. I'm more likely to get noticed here. I can hide my face in your neck and hair. People don't care much for PDA so they will hopefully just ignore us and-" Poe stops mid briefing and you look over at him. "Oh damn." He mutters softly. "My wife looks hot."

"What? Shut up." You toss the flight suit into the cockpit and attempt to fix your hair in the reflection on the windshield. "You're being an ass."

Poe lays his hand on your lower back. "I give you a compliment and I'm an ass? What kind of backwards planet are you from?"

"It was not a compliment. You said wife. Which is not a compliment, it's teasing, so you are an ass."

He leans in close and you press against the x-wing. You can see him in the windshield behind you. Your eyes meet in the reflection and you refuse to look away. His voice comes close to your ear, eyes still boring into yours as he says, "My partner looks stunning and beautiful and I cannot believe I get to do this mission with her. Is that better?"

Your stomach sinks and your heart stops. "You're not bad yourself."

He chuckles, still close to your ear. "I know."

"Confident much?" You press back against him to move away from the x-wing and he wraps his arm around your waist, holding you tight against his warmth. Your body flushes, heat pooling in your stomach. Flashes of what you'd like him to do race through your brain. Galaxies what you wouldn't let him do to you. No. You have to get your mind out of the gutter. You have a job to do.  "Let go, Poe."

"Better get used to it. We're going to do a lot of touching." He purrs before he releases you.

You roll your eyes and he smirks.

"Don't think I can't see that blush." He walks beside you as you head to the grand entry way of the Canto Bight resort. "I know you want me."

"In your dreams, Dameron."

He chuckles. "I do have lots of dreams." He matches your pace and slips his arm around your back. "Fun dreams. We should share them sometime."

You cut him a glare and he grins. "You're really playing into this cover."

"Who says I'm playing?"

______________________

As soon as you're checked in, the hunt is on. You can't help but wonder how many of these people would just leap at the chance to throttle you and Poe for simply being part of the Resistance. There's only one way to get this rich in the galaxy and that is weaponry and sympathizing with the First Order. After an hour or so you and Poe head for the elevators that go to the game rooms on the top floor. It's the roulette rooms to be exact. You got word from base that the contact is a roulette player, always betting black.

"I hope we find him." You say to yourself as the doors to the elevator close. It's only you and Poe inside, which is fine with you. At least you don't have to act when no one is around. The last hour has been an excruciating test of will power. You want this to be over, to never have to touch Poe again because it is killing you inside. You know this won't last.

"As do I."

"Huh? Oh. Yeah. I still feel like we're flying a little blind."

"We'll find him."

You look over and Poe has his arms crossed, staring straight ahead at the reflective doors. You look at the doors and take in the two of you together. He looks like he belongs here and you don't. People are going to know you're fakes. This isn't a mission for you, you're not a good actor and you're barely dressed for the part.

"You look great, stop worrying." Poe says softly.

"What? I didn't say anything?"

"You're staring at our reflection intently. I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. You look great."

You fold your arms over your chest and lean against the wall. "You're staring too."

Poe turns and steps directly in front of you. "I'm staring at you."

"Well stop."

"I can't." He catches your chin between his thumb and forefinger and your hands start sweating, heart going wild. "I wanna take it all in while I have it."

"You think I'm not going to dress up ever again?"

"Maybe. I've known you for three years now and I've never seen you like this."

"Don't get used to it."

Poe releases your chin as the elevator dings, signaling your floor. "I won't. But I'm going to relish it while I can."

"Yeah, you do tha-ah!"

He grabs your hand and pulls you out onto the game floor, tugging you against his chest. He slides a hand into your hair and your knees go weak. "Remember our cover?"

"Y-yeah?"

"Newly weds." He drops his lips to your ear. "That can't get enough of each other. You can touch me again, it's okay."

You rest your hand against his chest and his heart is beating fast and hard. He's really into this. "How are we supposed to find the contact if we're all over each other?"

"We will. Just follow my lead."

Poe wraps his arm around your back and guides you to walk with him to a table. He crowds you against the table in front of him, lips going to your neck. "Ask what the buy in is?"

"What's the buy in?" You smile sweetly, looking at the dealer. You're trying not to tremble but Poe is really making you feel weak kneed. He's taken to sliding his hand across your stomach and massaging his thumb just over your ribcage.

"Twenty thousand Madame." The dealer says happily. "Shall I put you on the board next round?"

"Uh.."

"Yes." Poe says more lustfully than helpfully.

You shiver and nod. "Yes please."

The dealer gives a nod and begins to set out a marker for you while the roulette wheel spins away.

"How exactly are we doing this?" You hiss at Poe and he chuckles. "Seriously what money do you-"

"He's here."

"What? Where?" You look around the table and no one matches the contact's description. "Where?"

Poe bites at your neck and you let out an embarrassing little noise of pleasure. He's hitting all your sensitive spots and it's driving you mad. "Table at our two o'clock."

You look over and sure enough there is a man in a long emerald green robe. "Great let's go talk to him."

"Not so fast." Poe murmurs, fingers flexing on your stomach. "We have a game to play."

"No we don't. We have no money." You seethe and he hums against your back. "Seriously what are you-"

Poe lays a bundle of tokens on the table and your eyes go wide. "Don't lose." He presses a kiss to your cheek and pulls away.

"Don't- how the fuck am I supposed to-" You look back and he's crossing the game room to get to the table where the contact is. You look back at your own game and white knuckle the edge of the table. You don't even know how to play roulette.

"Madame? Your bet?" The dealer calls, looking at you.

"I- thirteen?"

"The color Madame?"

"Black."

"Very well."

You watch as the wheel spins and the little ball bounces around inside. It's insufferable. You can't watch. You know it's going to cause you to lose this stack of tokens Poe just slapped down out of nowhere. Why does he have so much money? You look up and find him standing near the contact. He doesn't appear to be talking, just observing.

"Winner!"

Your eyes snap back to the table and the dealer is pushing a large amount of tokens toward you. "What..."

"Thirteen black, straight bet. You've taken the majority of the pot Madame. Shall I put you down for another round or cash you out?"

"Cash out."

The dealer stacks your tokens into a carrier and pushes the small box toward you. "Best of times madame."

You gather the box and make a beeline for Poe. The moment you're in range you lay a hand on his back and he turns, scooping you against him and pressing his lips to your cheek. "I-...Okay?"

"The contact is a spy from the First Order," Poe whispers, kissing along your jaw and your mind goes fuzzy. "This is a trap. We need to stay low, contact Leia and find out more information."

"H-how do you know?" You stammer, brain split between wanting to focus on the mission and getting Poe alone in a bedroom.

"He's wearing a ring that only First Order commanders have. I've seen it before."

You slide your hand down his back and rest it on his ass. It takes everything in you not to squeeze. "We should talk elsewhere. Like you said, we need to get ahold of Leia."

"Did you lose my money at the table?"

"No, and on that subject, where the fuck did you get that much in tokens? Since when do you just have an extra twenty thousand laying around?"

"Don't worry about it. What did you win?"

"I don't know?" You move away and hold up the carrier full of tokens. "The dealer just gave me this."

Poe takes it and his eyes go wide. "Holy sh- this is way more than I laid down. Okay first things first we cash this out and get a room. Then we call Leia."

"Sounds good."

_____________________

The room is huge, a suite for a small family. Seriously you could house at least four people in there comfortably it is so large. You take a seat on the end of the giant gold and black bed in the center of the room and Poe starts rolling up his sleeves. It's way hotter than it should be and your brain wanders. It'd feel so good to have him pin you down, kiss you until you can't think straight anymore. His tongue is probably so skilled and-

"Hey, hello, you alive?" Poe says, touching your shoulder. "Did you bring the communicator?"

"Yeah, yeah it's in my purse."

Poe looks around and spots the small purse you had been carrying. "This could have been very bad."

"Do you think he would have tried to kill us?"

"No. I think he would have given us the coordinates and lead us into a death trap." Poe dials out the command center code. "I knew this abandoned ship was too good to be true."

You flop back and stare at the ceiling while Poe talks to Leia. It's painted gold with black stars imprinted throughout. It's interesting, ritzy and obnoxious, but still pretty. You smile to yourself. You've never been in a place this nice. Never in a million years did you think you would find yourself in Canto Bight. Heat rises in your stomach as you reflect on the last hour or so with Poe. He was so willing to touch you, to make you squirm under his attentions. Does he feel some type of way for real? Is he playing the part? You know one thing, you are never going to recover from this. You're going to have dreams for months.

"You know your dress is leaving little to the imagination."

You snap out of your thoughts and sit up, staring at Poe who's standing at the end of the bed looking down at you. Galaxies it's so sexy, his eyes are trained on you and you can't look away. Your dress is hiked up to your thighs, so laying down he could probably see your underwear. "Maybe you should look elsewhere."

"Maybe I don't wanna." He smirks and your blood pressure skyrockets. He reaches out and flips the bit of fabric laying on your leg and exposes a bit more skin.

"Poe!"

His big hand covers the top of your thigh and he gives a little squeeze. "Tell me to stop."

"Poe...what're you doing?"

His other hand finds your opposite thigh and he slides them up under the dress. He's just touching your legs and you're getting riled up. He presses his face into your neck and you let out the most feeble whine of pleasure. "If you don't want this for real, tell me now."

"We shouldn-"

He gives a little bite and you fall backwards, body no longer able to handle it. "Yes or no sweetheart, I need to know if you want this?"

"Yes. I want you." You bite your lip and it's all over. Poe climbs over you, holding your wrists just like you imagined. His lips find yours, kissing you hungrily while you squirm beneath him, aching to touch him in return. You know it's going to be a long night and that's just fine.

____________________

Sometime in the middle of the night you wake up, eyes opening to the darkened room. For a moment you cannot sort out where you are. The bed feels unfamiliar, the air smells different, nothing is right. Then it hits you. Canto Bight. Poe. You roll over and sure enough there he is beside you, arm over his face.

Last night comes back to you. Oh man. That's why you're sore and naked. You turn back over and Poe shifts on his side. An arm wraps around your chest, pulling you flush against him under the blankets.

"Go back to sleep sweetheart."

"You're awake too."

His hand slides up your chest and settles against your throat. You shiver, remembering last night. A wave of heat courses down your body and settles between your legs. He must know this because he chuckles softly. "Quiet now aren't you?"

"Shut up."

"That's not what you told me last night." He kisses along your shoulder and rubs his thumb back and forth across your throat, applying gentle pressure. "I believe the words were, harder please."

"Poe we just woke up. Do you really need to do this now?" You groan and he slides his hand away, settling it on your chest instead.

He nuzzles against your hair and places another kiss to the back of your neck. "I don't want it to end."

"What?"

"Us, this."

You turn over and face him, nearly nose to nose. You can feel his breath and you stare at each other for a long moment. "You want this?"

He nods. "Please?"

"Okay, I'm down for exploring this." You smile and he leans in to kiss you gently. "I guess I wasn't so far off when I said I was your wife."

Poe cards a hand through your hair. "Easy now, we could make that a possibility. There's a dozen union halls here."

"We're not getting married!" You laugh and he does so in turn. "Fuck a guy once and he wants to make you his wife. Damn, how long has it been Poe?"

"Shut up!"

"No seriously, how long?"

"A while."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Sure. It's your fault."

You narrow your eyes and he's grinning. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means, it's your fault I haven't gotten laid." He flips your nose with his finger and you swat him away. "I'm spelling it out here."

"No you're not? How is it my fault exactly?"

"Because I'm...inlovewithyou." He mutters the last bit, and stares diligently at your pillow.

You touch his cheek and turn his head up to look at you. "Run that by me again?"

"You heard it."

"I heard the impossible. So I know I heard wrong."

"Fuck you, impossible."

"Then say it again!

"I love you!" He takes in a shaky breath. "You're the only woman I've ever met that goes toe to toe with me and gets under my skin to the point I just want to rip your head off but also fuck you so hard you're begging for it. I look forward to seeing you every morning, I look forward to talking to you every day. When you go on missions I can't eat or sleep because I'm so damn worried you won't come back. Fuck, you're everything and I-I must look like an idiot."

"Poe."

"Don't say it. I know it's fine. You don't feel the same and-"

You lean forward and kiss him to make him shut up. He catches on immediately and cradles your face as he returns the kiss. "First things first Dameron..."

"Yeah?" He mutters, eyes closed as he chases your lips as you speak.

"Don't ever tell me how I feel."

He grins and opens his eyes, staring back at you with burning fire. It's passion, challenge, interest. So many emotions you can't settle on one. "Can I tell you want to do?"

"What do you think?"

"Yes?" He slides his hand down to your throat, not squeezing, just touching. "You seemed to like me telling you what to do last night."

You bite his lip and he groans. "Maybe sometimes."

"I'll take sometimes." He pulls you against him, tucking your head under his chin. "Can I take you to breakfast?"

"Like a date?"

"Yes."

"Sure, but you gotta tell me where you got those tokens last night."

He chuckles. "They're fake."

"Fake?! You gave me fake tokens?!"

"I told you not to lose didn't I?"

"You son of a bitch."

"No my mother was a kind woman, thank you."

"I hate you."

He kisses your head and holds his lips to your hair. "No you don't."

You grip his back, pressing your face into his chest. "I don't. Not even a little."

_____________________

Three days after you and Poe return to base things don't seem to have changed. Poe doesn't seem to hint at wanting to be together, he doesn't say anything about what happened between you two on Canto Bight. It's weird. You had such a good night and a lovely breakfast. As far as hook ups and first dates go, they were some of the best you've ever had. You thought things were going well, that you were going to be a couple when you got back to base, but that isn't happening and you don't know why. It's a little annoying and you wonder if Poe is embarrassed to be with you. Or maybe he doesn't want people to know because he wants to keep his options open. You feel played and it is not sitting well.

"Bout time you got back." You say as Poe walks up to the supply cart you're stocking in the hangar. He has been out on a mission with the black x-wing team. Some sort of attack on some stormtroopers invading a resistance friendly settlement.

"Miss me?"

"Yeah, sure." You roll your eyes.

Poe grabs the handles on the cart and leans forward as he speaks. "Is there a problem?"

"I don't know, is there?"

"Don't start with me."

You slam down a pack of fuses and lift your eyes to meet his. "Don't start with you? Oh no problem, you already didn't start it."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh fuck you."

Poe raises his eyebrows. "Fuck me? I'm not doing anything. You're coming at me for who knows what. Tell me what I did!"

"Nothing! You've done nothing Poe! Since we got home you've barely looked at me twice. We spent an incredible night in Canto Bight and for what? For what Poe?!"

"That's what you're mad about?!"

"Yeah! I feel like I've been played!" You laugh angrily, stepping away from the cart and walking around a pile of scrap parts in boxes. "Is Poe Dameron too good to admit he fell in love?!"

"Fuck all, you don't need to shout that across the base!"

You narrow your eyes at him. "You want me to shout? Oh I'll shout." You turn your back to him and face the open expanse of the hangar. "I'm in love with Poe Dameron and he is in love with me! We fucked on Canto Bight and it was amazing!"

A few pilots and crew nearby make noises of encouragement.

Poe grabs your shoulder and turns you around a little rougher than you expect. He backs you against the wall and your heart goes absolutely wild. "You want something to scream about? I'll give you a reason to scream my name."

"Put your money where your mouth is Dameron."

He leans in close, caging you in with his hands on the wall beside your head. "Call me by my last name again and I'll make sure you scream it too."

You stare at him in heavy silence for a moment. The tension is teetering on thin ice. "Tell me you love me. Say it again."

"I love you." He presses his forehead against yours. "I love you until the stars burn out."

"Then why have you been putting me off for the last three days?"

"I've been working through some personal shit."

You swallow thickly. You feel like an asshole now. "I'm sorry."

"You didn't know." He drops his hands from the wall and holds your face. "I promise I'll tell you everything one day, just bare with me."

You grab his wrists and rub your thumb over the back of his hands. "Are you okay? Like...y'know?"

"Yeah."

"You're sure?"

Poe nods. "It's just my PTSD and some other stuff. Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Do you really love me like you just shouted to the base?"

You smile and he bumps your noses together. "Yeah Poe. I love you."

He leans in and kisses you, smiling into it as he does so. "You're really hot when you're angry."

"You are too." You grin back as you slide your hands over his butt. "Maybe we should work on communication."

"Mmm. Then let me tell you how much I want to get you alone right now."

"What's stopping you?"

"Nothing." He grunts as he slides his hands under your legs and lifts you up. "I'm taking you straight to the commander's quarters for punishment."

You grip his back tightly as he walks you out of the hangar. "What's my offense?"

"Verbally attacking a commander and stealing his heart."

"You're cheesy."

"You love it." He purrs, placing his lips against your throat. "You love me."

"Yes, yes I do."

---------

End

------

Header pic by delicate-venus

*****Note: none of my works should be posted anywhere outside of my linked accounts. I do not give permission to repost with or without credit to my accounts. Please notify me of any reposted works.*****

[rusticottage]

Hi you all!

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and I finally got in an agreement with myself. Well, first of all my main goal with this blog was to share some chill gameplay photos, but then I made this really comfortable space here, and you all are so nice, that I want to open my horizons, so I’ll be sharing a list with the books I’m reading on 2021 right here in this post!

My plan is to pin this post on my blog and keep it updated with my 2021 readings, rating the books and stuff, don't worry if this is not your thing, this will be probably the one time you see this post (unless you keep checking my blog), I won’t be rebloging this post or anything since I guess some of you only follow me cuz ts4.

Anyways! I really want to make this a healthy, cozy space, where we can talk about books (and pride and prejudice movie) so plz, feel free to put your opinion here, or add a book rec on this post or send me an ask, idk, this is a bookworm space <3

Hope you all have a great year with healing, and find new hobbies to keep your mind busy and learning! Love you all <3

📚 6/50 📚 

Currently: The Hidden Life of Trees, The Kiss Quotient

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Book: Little Fires Everywhere

Author: Celeste Ng

Rate: three and a half stars

really intresting subjects

great family construction

complete characters with a nice background

kind of boring, but not enough to make you stop reading i think

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Book: The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe

Author: Douglas Adams <3

Rate: 827163 stars

sorry I just really love this series

0 flaws

laughed my ass off (ford <333)

ultimate chef kiss

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Book: The Hating Game

Author: Sally Thorne

Rate: five HUGE stars

I was going to give 3,5 stars in the first half of the book cuz the main character is like 5 feet tall, and the book really wanted to make sure you knew she was small, tiny, little, small and the man was kind of boring for me like he had super virgo vibes

then on 75% I was going to give it 4,5 starts cuz I can’t describe how much every single thing that have happened just made sense, like everything and I was SHOCKED

on the last chapter I cried like a bitch and I needed to give this 5 star ok

I really love romance ok :)

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Book: The Mothers

Author: Brit Bennett

Rate: three and a half stars

Intresting subjects

I felt the same ‘problem’ as when I read Little Fires Everywhere, it isn’t a book about magic or romance or whatever, it’s a book about casual ‘daily’ drama, which I am kind of disinterested, like, for real my dude

So what I got from this book is that this genre is def not for me

Like I couldnt care less for any of them or their problems, I was kind of maaaad on the 75% of the book cuz people are shit, but in general couldnt care less

This is The Mothers genre:

Ant this is Little Fires Everywhere genre:

I hate them (the genres) bye

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Book: The Picture of Dorian Gray

Author: Oscar Wilde

Rate: five stars

It has a really complex full of thoughts reflections about beauty and really got me thinking

I wanted to mark every page for gods sake

“To define is to limit” fave quote of many many good ones you will find there

Oscar Wilde is some kind of chaotic dark academia bitch and I am here for it, really want to study some beauty philosophy from socrates now, thanks Oscar my dude

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Book: The Song of Achilles

Author: Madeline Miller

Rate: four and a half starts (but could easily be five)

Man, how do I start this. I thought this book was really dense, really poetic, I love it fr

patroclo describing man: he was strong, big, everyone could see him, etcetcetc

patroclo describing woman: she had hair and nails

 I didnt cried but like its possible

what made me give four and a half was cuz at some points I felt patroclo kind of obsessed, not obsessed but like GO EASY u know, I know that the guy was almost a god but omg, easy boy

[prose-for-hire]

The ghost of romance future

Part Two // Part Three

Pairing: Spike x reader (gender neutral, I will specify fem! or male! if otherwise)

Request: reader is slightly older than the scoobies and really protective of them, especially buffy. The reader hates spike because of how he's bragged about killing slayers in the past. However, a while after he gets the chip, they start to grow on each other, and eventually fall for each other. Sort of an enemies to lovers type of deal. I really really love your stories, I think they might just be my favorite btvs fics fr. Even if you don't do this request, thanks for all the great writing! ❤

Requested by: Anon

Warnings: Swearing. There’s a little heated kissing but idk if that needs a warning lol

A/N: Flattery will get u everywhere with me apparently. Kind asks totally get my inspiration flowing, also Spike and enemies to lovers. So, to sum up, this was one heavenly request for me!

Sunnydale was surprisingly quiet at the moment which meant bad things were probably on the horizon. You were smiling as you did your night-time routine though, thinking about something Spike had said to you that evening at the Bronze which had made you laugh. He was growing on you, ever since the Initiative chipped him, he had been a lot more fun to be around. You didn’t really like him when you first met, you weren’t even convinced by him a few months ago, but now you found yourself almost enjoying his company. Platonically, of course.

That night, as you started to get into bed the temperature in the room started to chill. It was as if you had unknowingly walked into a freezer. You jumped, dropping the sheet you had pulled back for you to slip into as a voice boomed out of nowhere, echoing against each wall in the room. You turned to see a ghost staring straight at you. Great, just what you needed.

“You will be visited by three ghosts tonight. The ghosts of romance beginning, possible and destiny” The figure spoke, apparently the powers that be were getting tired of you and Spike dancing around each other and decided to take direct action.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“The first apparition shall arrive when the clock strikes one” The figure spoke as it disappeared before your eyes. You groaned, you really didn’t need to see some warped Christmas Carol-style look at your past dates. But, that wasn’t what this was. As you fell deep into a sleep you had been fighting so that the apparition wouldn’t get its way, you had a dream. It was very similar to that of a prophetic dream you may or may not have been pretending to read about at a Scooby meeting a day previous.

The Beginning:

The first scene was a memory of yours from a while ago, which really was just lazy haunting on the spectre’s part. It was one of the times that you had finished shouting at Spike for being just plain nasty to your younger friends. You were a few years older than the other Scoobies, making you the protective, ‘parent’ friend. Any advice, worries or study support and you were there. You particularly worried about Buffy, the responsibility she held got her down sometimes and you felt protective of her as if she was your little sister. You wished you could protect her from everything that came her way.

When Spike, having ignored your rant, started to follow Buffy through a darkened graveyard, you stepped out. You had no super-strength, no secret powers, but you did have an attitude and a protective streak. So you blocked his path.

“No”

“Wh-”

“Just no, Spike. Leave her alone” You warned. He enjoyed taunting her with threats and stories of his past exploits, especially gruesomely detailing the way he killed slayers in the past.

“I was just gonna offer my services”

“There are no services you can provide that are gonna make Buffy listen to you. Go home”

“Jealousy looks cute on you, pet”

“Just – go” You warned. He smirked, moving in. He grabbed your upper arm, a mean look as he pulled you into him so he could whisper in your ear. But you thought fast, “Ow! Ow that really hurts!” You hissed, wincing and shaking in pain as he dropped your arm and started to clutch his own head in agony. He hadn’t realised he had gripped your arm that tight. Bloody breakable human bones.

But you straightened up as he started to clutch his head, smiling a satisfied grin before winking. He hadn’t hurt you. You had been pretending, which still fired off the chip because he thought he had caused pain.

“I bloody hate you!” he shouted, still rubbing his head, “Spiteful fucking bitch” He seethed, pointing at you angrily. Wishing he could twist your arm out of its socket and cause excruciating pain you had just given him. He stalked off, the opposite direction from both you and Buffy which had been your goal to begin with, so you were satisfied.

The Possibility:

The second dream sequence was, again, some pretty lazy ghosting in your opinion. It was you and Spike at the magic box last week. You found yourselves sat together as the others excitably skipped to the dance floor. You and Spike were left nursing your drinks together.

“Alright, love?” he asked as you watched the others with a little smile. You weren’t so much older, but old enough that you looked at them fondly as if you were reminiscing about being as carefree as them in your youth. They didn’t get the chance often and you saw Buffy and Riley dancing together which made you happy for her. She needed something like this, something more stable.

“Yeah, it’s just a nice evening” You smiled at Willow and Tara as they gave you a little wave, shaking your head as they tried again to get you to join them and dance.

“Too right, bagged more than one demon and the onion flower’s back on the menu” Spike said, looking over at the bar. He wasn’t too bothered by what the others were doing.

“Onion flower?”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t tried it”

“I haven’t” you shrugged, sipping on your soda. As much as you enjoyed partying with the others, you wanted to keep an eye out and get them all home safe at the end of the night. They were mostly new to drinking so you wanted to be on hand and sober if there were any disasters.

“You haven’t lived! Bloody brilliant, they soak it in water first then fry it – shallow – on both sides until golden”

You were staring at the dance floor as he spoke animatedly, his hands gesturing, clearly this was a particular favourite of his. You looked at him, an amused smile on your face. It made his face harden, he hadn’t realised how carried away he had gotten. He looked a bit embarrassed and you couldn’t help the genuine smile that spread across your face.

“Hey, that sounds pretty cool” You offered him, he was clearly expecting you to make fun of him or run to the microphone at the front and announce loud to the entire Bronze that he was actually really lame and not at all scary. He looked at you for a moment, almost as if he wanted to say something more. Offer more than the usual insults you both traded, but he just got up to get himself another drink – not offering to buy you a round.

However, Spike came back with a smug grin and an onion flower which he set in front of you. You couldn’t help smiling softly at his enthusiasm, it was almost endearing. His face faltered as he saw the way you were looking at him, he felt something suspiciously close to affection rising in his chest, connecting through clusters of nerves throughout his entire body. This was when he realised he liked you. He really liked you. Oh no.

The Destiny:

The third ghost brought you somewhere that was not yet in your memory, but you were very pleased with the way it made you feel. It was unusual, you felt older but nothing about Sunnydale had apparently changed. Spike was in your apartment, a place he had never been invited before but he walked around the place as if he knew it. As if it were his own house.

It was like you were watching a romantic film, the anticipation whether the love interest would kiss you being almost painful. You were staring at him as he moved around your kitchen with ease, making you a hot drink and taking some blood from your fridge. You yearned for him and could tell he felt the same. The subtle glances, the desire for the other’s touch.

He smiled when he saw you watching, you walked into the kitchen, taking your cup and sipping it slowly. It was made exactly how you like it. Spike moved so that he was looping his arms around your waist from behind. You hummed, staring out of the window into the cool night. You felt calm, safe. Something you had never thought about with Spike but you had a feeling that after this dream, it was all you were going to be feeling.

“I’m so glad I’ve got you, love… never thought we’d actually do it mind”

“I could never imagine my life without loving you, Spike. It just feels so right” You found your mouth moving of its own accord.

“Mm, and a little wrong… in a good way” he smirked, moving into your neck as he mumbled the words. He pressed some soft kisses there as he thought about the way you had become his. He loved you, not able to stop himself grinning like an idiot when you were around him still. The strangest part was that you knew he loved you and your feelings complimented his perfectly. 

“In the best way” You confirmed, finding yourself smiling. You set the mug down, knowing what was coming as he spun you around to face him. He smirked, eyeing you as you smiled in anticipation.

There was that familiar look in his eye before he moved in, you felt blunt teeth grazing your neck, your own breathy moans ricocheting around the room as you grasped at his shirt. You clutched at strands of his blonde hair, his kisses heated but with an underlying affection he could never shake when it came to you. he pressed you against the kitchen counter, laying kisses so hot they felt as if they were marking your skin, his lips branding you as his. They were on yours now, you moaned into his mouth as his hands started to roam and this is where the dream ended. 

It was disappointing, the anticipation was killing you and you longed for this to be real some day. You woke with a start, jolting up in bed. You woke to find yourself alone in your apartment, desperately missing Spike’s touch. His kiss. His love.

Whatever had been going on last night, you were sure you would never see Spike the same again and honestly, you didn’t really want to.

[yamithediaperdork]

Moving day (Harry potter)

They say that any move can be stressful and the adjustment period of living with new roommates can be hard for the first few days, even if your new roomies happen to be your older twin brothers. And not making things any easier though they of course love and support you, is that your boyfriend is coming with you for the move, and as such you had to tell them about the special arrangement. Still stories over the phone apparently didn't fully paint a picture and now Ron and Draco are waiting for the twins to stop staring and let them in. The twins themselves were wearing matching white t-shirts and blue jeans. Ron was in a loose and long sleeved black shirt and black cargo pants, and Draco took the cake. what with the pure blood ex bully being in green cover all's (with crotch snaps!) and a black t-shirt it looked like under the cover-all's. and by how swollen and BIG Draco's crotch and rear looked, the boy was easily rocking 3 nappies. "Interesting..fashion choice." George said finally. "Inner child and all that." Fred said.

Getting Draco inside Ron got his big baby of a boyfriend sat down in the living room to get to know his unca's better while Ron went and unpacked, not a easy job to do since they were making use of a magic suitcase so there was at least a few hours worth of work needed for Ron to do. If your wondering why Draco wasn't helping with the unpacking well, He was a little guy in more ways then attire and a bored/grumpy Draco trying to be 'helpful' never ended well. He could of had one of the twins help him but with it being their first time watching Draco, he figured 2 on 1 gave them a fighting chance against his bratty baby boy.

"So..Cripes..you really wear nappies huh?" Fred asked,leaning down for a closer look at the bulky seat of Draco's overall's and nappies. Draco, who had been leaning forward to get some of the baby blocks they had for him to play with gave a annoyed look as this was the 5th time Fred had asked that. deciding that those who get that close to his butt with no care about their own safety deserved what they got and scrunched up his face. George realized what was happening and started to cry out a warning. "Fred wait get back from hi-" but at last the cry came too late and indeed only made things worse. Fred's poor mouth had opened, and with the distraction from George, Draco moved his diapered rear backwards, almost in slow motion and finished his long sputtering but muffed fart on his unca's face. With the deed done and Fred on his back and gagging, George glared at Draco. "what cha do that for?" he demanded, folding his arms. "But unca George, I'm just a widdle boy and NEED my diapies, Unca Fred should of realized he was playing with fire.. or gas." Draco said, doing his best 'i'm so cute you can't stay mad at me' faces and voices. and unlike Ron who had seen them all and could resit, This was Georges first and he instantly melted. "well,m just don't let it happen again. Do you want some ice cream?" George asked Draco of course knew he wasn't suppose to have any, ice cream made him a super duper pooper..Butttt He was just a little boy and lessons had to be learned all around. Fred finally got up and like wise was about to throttle Draco but the power of the puppy look and he was de fanged as well and went to go and smash up some cookies to crumble over Draco's ice cream. '..heh..yeah. I could get used to this~' he thought.

Ron had been hard at work for a hour and came out to get a glass of juice from the fridge. he noticed Draco was nuzzled on the crotch with his brother and smiled, he was glad they were getting along and didn't wanna say anything to spoil their fun. chugging his juice down and getting a refill, Ron just happened to look in the sink and froze, seeing three dirty bowls that had clearly had ice cream in them. "Ohhhh No. No no no.." Ron said, a knot forming in his tummy. coming out of the kitchen and hurrying to look out into the living room he heard the first poot and toyed with just running before the smell reached him. cries of disgust and whimpers of pain were heard and it delayed Ron enough that he didn't escape the stink field in time and was welcomed to the truly rotten smell of a lactose intolerant like Malfoy having dairy. Nose hairs burning and eyes watering Ron sighed and headed for ground zero. Fred and George were each half out a window, Fred on the left and George on the right. Draco not surprisingly was squatting down and hunching, fists closeted and gritting his teeth. from the look of focus on his face and the sweat you'd almost swear he was doing a power up from a anime. at least till you noted the massive diaper that had forced the crotch snaps open (and Ron looked and noticed some of the buttons on the floor) Spotting Ron in the door way Draco started to cry out daddy, but it was over taken with a guttural groan as a cramp hit him. the diaper, which was already racing for his knee caps jumped in size and Ron found himself glad he hadn't taken Harry's advice and gone with muggle diapers, they'd of had a blow out by now! "D-Daddy tummy hurt!" Draco whined and whimpered, tears going down his cheeks and holding out his hands as his knees wobbled. technically Ron should of let Draco suffer, to enjoy the spoils of his win at getting ice cream and suffer butttt...that just wasn't the kinda daddy Ron was. conjuring up a clothes pin for his own nose, and a dummy with a large rubber teat that found it's way into Draco's mouth, Ron came over and hugged the stinky boy. He also once he noticed the twins were trying to escape out the windows, shut them on the twins trapping them but not hurting them. well, not hurting them till anther spell had the back of their knickers get yanked up for twin wedgies. "OWWW! Stoppp Ron knock it off!" "we'll get you back for this!" "mmmmhmmm. I'll be back to free you after I change Draco..or I can let you two go now and you can change him." Ron said, smirking. "...You know, after the first 10 seconds this feels kinda nice." Fred said. "Could do this all day." added George. "For the record you two will be changing him at some point." Ron laughed. "Now hold on.." George started. "You never warned us about him being like..THAT every time that he goes!" Fred protested. "Hmm? oh he's not. but you dipsticks let him have dairy when he's lactose intolerant. reap what you sew." "..If he knew he couldn't handle it then why did he have three bowls of it!?!" "because he's a baby duh. he just likes yummy things and doesn't think about later." A whine from behind and Ron smiled at the huffing Draco who with one last watery fart seemed to be done..and oh my. the diaper had gotten SO shit swelled that it looked like something out of a cartoon show, Draco had basically made a bean bag chair of sorts! in fact if he hadn't of just stopped pooping he might of been picked off the ground! "Jesus sweetie, you have any bones left in you?" Ron asked fascinated and semi worried at the same time. (and maybe a little pride, that was his boy who had just made a super big present.)

The only way to move him at this point was a levitation spell and Draco hated it. the damn things always made him queasy to his belly even though he'd been used to moving much faster during a quditch game. Still there was no way to change him in the house without getting the mess everywhere and his new uncles seemed to have a high enough stone way around the back of their large yard. "oh look, they have a garden back here..you can provide all the fertilizer from now on!" Daddy teased and Draco tried to glare but the cheating bastard tickled the big babies tum tum making him giggle around the paci. Sat down slowly with a loud squish and a horrible smell being released, Draco whined and held his own nose and waved a hand. "heh, yeah buddy, Stinky.":Ron chuckled then opened his diaper. stinky as it was, Draco couldn't help but giggle even in the outdoor setting as Ron turned green in the face. charming a gas mask onto his face daddy was apparently ok and Draco huffed and crossed his arms. "No fair! cheating!" was what he wanted to say, but just gibberish came out instead because he also refused to let the dummy out of his mouth.

45 minutes later (give or take a century from Ron's POV) and the little guy was all cleaned up and his 'treasure' so to speak disposed of. The twins had manage to get free by seeing what Ron had been dealing with they decided to hold back on their revenge so they wouldn't have to change Draco today. Or at least that was the plan but after carrying Draco in just his diapers (him sitting on Ron's lap, snuggling into him and looking more like a little toddler then the high school graduate he was) when Ron came out of their room, Draco was hiding behind him and still had the dummy in his mouth.  just he was sucking on it BIG time and almost giving the twins ideas. then Ron stepped out of the way and the twin's jaws dropped. If his first outfit had been shocking, and his just diapered look adorable, this look was kinda sexy and having the twins who had considered themself hetero till just seconds again were desperately trying to justify thoughts of what they wanted to do with Draco. "Boys..let me introduce the other side of your new nephew..his niece side." Ron chuckled.

Draco's cheeks were bright red, daddy had promised no sissy stuff around his brothers but said this was his punishment for being a little piggy! So now his short blond hair had a light pink bow in it, he was wearing a very short little girl party dress, complete with a bow on the back that daddy had to tie and of course was a mixture of different shades of pink. whine knee high socks were on him and a pair of black Mary janes on his feet. 'At least daddy didn't put make up on me this time." Draco sulked around his paci, waddling forward with the same bulky cloth and rubber pants he'd had before. His his Mary-janes making a clip clack sound on the floor Draco got in front of his unca's and griping the hem of his dress, curtsy and bowed his head. "so..you two think you can try this again and NOT fuck it up?" Ron asked. "I uh..I.." Fred stammered, apparently locked up in resisting the urge to fawn over the little cutie. "You know Fred, i think we could do a smash up job this time. even handle any diaper changes!" George said. "Glad to hear. no take backies." Ron said and turned to go back into Draco and his room to finish working. as he turned a low rumbling sound was heard that turned into a series of wet farts. "Uhhh Ron?" Fred squeaked out as the back of Draco's diaper ballooned out from under the dress. "No take backsies. " was all Ron said then shut the door. "...Still think letting them move in was a good idea?" "Oh shut up!"

the end

[buticancarryyou]

Fic Writer Questions

@wincestismyheart thank you for tagging me in this. I love these kinds of things. Sorry it's taken me over a month to do it myself! Ha!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 27 works currently. I've deleted a few over the years.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

207,118. That's actually crazy to think about.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Predominately, Supernatural. But I do write for Skam and its Remakes as well (Skam France and Druck currently).

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1) The First Time I Saw Your Face (263 Kudos, 4k, wincest) - I posted this one in 2019 crazily enough, so it's semi new and its also the only fic I have on ao3 that I attempted no promotion of. So how it ended up with the most kudos, is a mystery to me. This fic was a WIP for so fucking long and 2019 was a good year writing wise for me, so I was able to finish it up and post it. It's actually very endearing to my heart, because it's an over-compassing story in short glimmers of their love story from Sam's birth until Stanford!Era / Pilot.

2) Two Hearts, One Home (230 Kudos, 5k, evak - skam) - The first published fic for these two and it's literally just fluffy and porn. For some reason when I write them, I turn into a porn writing champion, which is a strange turn for me--as I usually struggle with it! Written in 2019.

3) Close Your Eyes & Make A Wish (203 Kudos, 7k, Datteo - Druck) - The first Druck fic I ever posted and it's a recanting of one of their episodes. I love Matteo and David so fucking much and they will always live in my heart. So happy I wrote this piece. Also written in 2019. (see what I mean about it being a good writing year?)

4) To Rise, We Must Fall (197 Kudos, 11k, Wincest) This was written for the 2014 reverse big bang. It was my first dip into challenges and I'm happy it exists because it gave me courage to attempt other challenges. I def don't think it's the strongest thing I've ever written, but I love it because it's Boy King related.

5) Treble Clef Confessions (191 Kudos, 1k, Elu - Skam Fr) - The first and only thing I ever wrote for Skam France. I don't anticipate writing anything in the future for them, but I do love this short little piece that reimagines a scene. This was also written in 2019.

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Oh yes, I absolutely do. I am so grateful for any comments I get, because unfortunately they are few and far between. I wish my readers left more tbh, because they just fuel my desire to keep writing. So I definitely love to take care of those that do, just to also encourage them to do the same for others.

6. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

There's two that I think of, but I'll go with the one that has had more responses from the fandom. Everything's For You was written in my earlier tumblr days for a tumblr challenge. The prompt was basically to imagine: “Dean says time is different in hell, but what if it’s not? What if Dean really spent 40 years in hell before Cas put him back to 2008? Write what 40 years without Dean may have looked like for Sam.” And well, things get a little sad.

7. What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I feel like I try to make sure all of my fics end on a happy note, just because I like to make the angst so severe throughout the fic. Lol. But the Skam piece I am currently working on and isn't posted yet, is def going to be the happiest. So look out for, A Weekend To Remember.

8. Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've written?

I haven't written one yet, not to say I never would.

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I wouldn't say hate, but I have had people challenge the way I write and say it's too flowery. People also try to correct the way I write Brother in Wincest fics with a capital B, but that's my creative freedom as a writer. They're not just brothers. They're Brothers. <3

10. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I do write it, but it really depends on the fandom I guess. When I write for Sam and Dean, I feel like the smut I write is few and far between. Not that it's hard to write, or that I don't enjoy it--but I enjoy writing them without it. Sometimes I feel like it means just as much without it, because that's just them. But then I put my Skam glasses on and I'm suddenly on a smut roll.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge. I hope that never happens; I wouldn't handle that very well.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I would be open to it under the right circumstances.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nothing posted, but maybe between friends--yes.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

Def, Wincest. I don't care how far away from SPN I get, I walk by a flower stand and see sunflowers and with always instantly be reminded of Sam. I'll see wanderer things and think of Sam. I'll see leather candles and think of Dean. I'll see an impala on the road and think of the boys on the road in the middle of the night. I will always see them everywhere and they will always be a part of me.

15. What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Probably the 900 J2 fics I've started. I want to finish one, but I usually get distracted and start something else.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think for me, it is dependent on how well I know a character...because if I know them like the backs of my hands, I can really get into the vein of them and write them well. The worst feeling for me is when I can't feel a characters voice as I write.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Probably that I get distracted entirely too easily. An idea will come up and I'll be all about it, write 10k of it and then think of something else. And then it'll sit in my drafts as a WIP for years, staring at me with pleading eyes and I just try my best to not think about the 'what-ifs'.

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I try to stay away from it if I can, because to me it is distracting.

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Unpublished Nsync fanfic for sure. LMAO. But second fandom would be Supernatural.

20. What's your favorite fic you've written?

There's so many things I want to say, but in this moment, I can't help but think of: A Brother's Lament (A Slow Death). It was written for the spnj2bigbang for 2016 and it's probably the longest fic I've written, being that it's 46k. It is a love story to Dean's slow and maddening deterioration after Sam's death in Swan Song. Of how he tries to live the life he promised, but finds that he physically cannot do it. It's sad and violent, dark and upsetting, but I put my whole heart into it and it's not even the most well received thing I've written--but I fucking love it so much.

Tagging: @sammichgirl @nyxocity @hellhoundsprey and @homo-pink because they're some of my favorite writers. <3

[killian-whump]

Salty asks #1 and #5 for OUAT

Okay! :D Thanks for sending me some :D

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

Ohh... I don’t really “get” Fr*zen Jewel. I mean, the characters never met in canon, and I can’t think of any way they would meet in canon, so... I don’t know. It just seems weird to me, I guess. I know it’s become a thing now, and I even enjoy it when it’s in an AU story. I don’t dislike it or anything. It’s just weird to me, I guess because my mind just would’ve never put them too together on its own, but someone’s mind out there DID and then a bunch of other people were like “YES” and that just confuses me XD

I also don’t get Sw*nfire. I mean, canon pretty much showed us a bunch of ways that Neal was a subpar boyfriend, purposely even juxtaposing him with Killian to show how Killian was more honorable and better boyfriend material... but I guess some people like going for the less palatable choice? Like, if someone offered them a five star Creme Brulee or a stepped-on Twinkie, I guess they’d just be like “I don’t know, man, the Creme Brulee is just too appetizing, I don’t really deserve something that good, I’ll just take the Twinkie.” And then he even died in canon, so it’s like “Could you step on the Twinkie again for me, tho” and I just don’t get it at all.

Okay! Next is.... #5!

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

YES. Okay, actually, the all caps response is due to another show’s fandom, an anime actually, where I RPed as my favorite character and was in a community with someone who was a great RPer and RPed the other half of the ship and OMG IT WAS SO FUN until the other RPer decided to take over the community from the secret anonymous owners (who just wanted to RP with everybody without everyone trying to “make points with the mods” so kept their identities secret) and send them hate mail and fake applications and all kinds of other shitty shit that ended up making it impossible to accept new members or even RUN the fucking place... and OH YEAH, the “super secret mods” were me and my freaking MOM, which was the other reason we wanted to keep it secret, so that wouldn’t make things weird, but ANYWAY this person was literally SUCH an asshole that they ruined their character for me for good and ISTG, like 20 years later I’m still like “Yeah, fuck those guys” about the pairing/characters.

ANYWAY, what were we talking about? Once?

Yeah, I have to admit that the fandom kinda ruined CS for me quite a bit. I still like it. It’s still my “OTP” for original recipe Killian... but the Jen-centric CSers who went on the attack for/about S7 just ruined Jen’s face for me. Like, literally her face, and a bunch of the best CS scenes, too, because they’d go attacking fans, or Colin, or Colin’s coworkers, or the show’s accounts or whoever with their CS/Jen icons and it got to the point where I’d see a Jen/CS icon and be like “Oh, for fuck’s sake” because most of the time it was one of those yahoos. Mind you, it’s gotten better since they quit their bullshit, but the negative connotations I have for certain things (Jen and the wedding mostly) still linger. I can still enjoy CS fanfics and fanart/scenes where I can separate Jen from Emma well enough to look past it... but it’s made it a lot harder for me to enjoy the ship.

Also, S6 in general was a sore spot for me, because I feel like Killian played second fiddle to Emma the whole season, and it wasn’t the equal-partners ship I got into in the first place. And the people who did all of the above shit were a lot of the same people who were very Emma-centric about the ship all along, and the same ones who had attacked people like me who were more Killian-centric and/or didn’t care for CS’s storylines in S6. I mean, I lost count of how many times CSers attacked me for not shipping them right, even though they’ve been my OUAT OTP the whole damn time. It blows my mind. Like, we ship the same damn thing, why are you attacking me and trying to “blacklist” me from the ship’s fandom? Freaking nutters, I tell you. Crazy people.

Anyway, SIDE NOTE: People do their faves a complete disservice when they use their face as an icon and run around getting into fights and attacking people. I mean, they’re literally just asking for people to associate their fave’s face with their own shitty behavior and that ain’t cool. I almost went from liking Lana to hating her during the whole CS vs SQ thing, just from the people who assumed that because I like Killian/Colin I had a vested interest in that war and came out swinging at me. Ship wars are stupid. Ship and let ship, I say, but if you’re going to start fights everywhere, at least don’t use your fave’s face for an icon.

[cherryyharryy]

Burning Words

Chapter Two: Lunch, Library, and Lady Liberty

WC: 7,400

Previous part

Songs for this chapter

The prickling scratch of my highlighter dragging across a strip of text reminds me of how naïve I really am. I hate the sound, hate how uneven the lime green line sits, jagged over the inked words, with a pool of color where the pen sat at the beginning of the sentence. 

It’s raining outside, and rain in New York is not like rain anywhere else. It’s purposeful, like a painting, like it belongs here. The only difference is that nothing changes—not like back home. In Georgia, people would come out afterwards, drive ten miles to the nearest pit and screw their trucks through the mud. Kids would run outside and look for worms and slugs, puddles to jump in. Dogs would dig holes in the softened earth. But here, no one stops. No one bats an eye, not even the people who forget their umbrellas. I wish rain was still life changing.

I sigh, close my notes, and cap my highlighters. “Any ideas for lunch?”

Jessie dips her head back in thought. I see her lashes flutter and her lips pinch, but then she shrugs. “We could order pizza?” She’s sat cross-legged on a patchwork armchair, laptop balanced across her thighs with a pen teetering between her teeth. I have to tip my head over the back of my chair to see her, upside down. “I’ve got a coupon for that place down the street.”

“We always order pizza.”

“We could learn how to cook.”

I click my tongue. “Bingo.” 

The far wall of the apartment has a generous sized window. The floor creaks like we’re torturing it every time we move across a room, the bathtub faucet leaks when it’s hot out, and I know more about my neighbors’ lives than I really need to. But the window....it’s like a movie. My chair sits beside it. I try to count raindrops but there are too many. 

“Chinese?” I offer. 

“You and your egg rolls.”

“They’re the only thing I want when I don’t really wanna eat. I didn’t eat breakfast. And I only had a handful of popcorn for dinner last night.” 

I can see a park from here, and in the winter when the trees are bare, a neighboring tennis court. Flowers hang limply from their stems along the sidewalk. A cat scrambles across the road, sporadic, and suddenly I envy the lack of knowledge animals have, lack of responsibilities, sense of time, unspoken contracts. At times I wish I were a depressed cat soaked to the bone, thinking if I move quick enough I’ll escape the rain. 

“What?” I miss half of what Jessie asks. 

“How’s your class been?”

“Which one?”

Jessie pauses her movements to assert me with a knowing glare. “You know what class. How’s the British babe?”

“Ugh, Harry.”

“Harry,” she tests his name before I continue. A few students have called him by his name, but he’s quick to correct them, surely enjoying his authority.

“He’s most definitely not a babe. A jackass. And he’s been as jackass-y as ever.” I join Jessie when she starts to laugh. “He calls on me every chance he gets. And I swear it’s just to humiliate me.”

“Well at least he’s nice to look at.”

“That means nothing when he’s a jerk.”

“True.” Jessie shrugs. “What about Truman’s...it’s near campus?”

I loll my head back and narrow my gaze. They don’t have egg rolls. “Yeah that’s fine.”

“My treat.”

***

In Hungarian, there are two words for the color red. Piros and vörös, with different times to use them, and should be used accordingly. When I was a kid I got them wrong; called my mom’s hat vörös, and got a slap on the wrist by my grandmother. 

I spent that evening hiding in my closet, using the sleeve of my Winnie the Pooh pajamas to soak up the cascade of tears. When my cousin found me, I begged him to explain what I’d done wrong. 

“Piros is blood inside the body. Vörös is when it comes out.”

That’s all I was left with. And I never did understand the difference. For years now that night resurfaces in my brain, and I think, I’m older now, I’ll be able to get it.

But now, as I stand on the sidewalk, peering through the window of Jessie’s lunch choice, I’m swarmed with the overbearing realization that age has nothing to do with it. 

Harry’s in a striped button down, a sea foam green that reminds me of how different candy felt when I was younger, and high-waisted navy blue pants that couldn’t decide between flaring out or forming to the shape of his legs. I watch him balance plates and glasses, stacking forks and knives, spoons and mugs, soiled napkins and empty Splenda packets. He shovels his tip into his pocket and then disappears out of view while someone else wipes down the table. 

“We can go somewhere else.”

“No.” I drag in the humid air, freshly washed, and hold it in my lungs until my head starts to spin. “This is fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. We’ll sit in the back. At Brigette’s table.”

I’m not sure if you can call Truman’s a restaurant. It isn’t fast food, fine dining, or even a bistro. It’s always dark. The chairs are pink and the tablecloths are green. There are flowers everywhere, I thought it was a flower shop and was sadly mistaken when I came in for the first time to buy Jessie a bundle of roses for her birthday. Strumming violins fill any silence between tables. It’s old but new, rooted woods, lamps from the 90’s, curtains from the 80’s, cooks from the 60’s and 70’s. 

“Brigette’s not on today, but that table is available if you want it.”

Me and Jessie both blink at the hostess, unintelligible utterances coming out until we give up, give in, and sit ourselves down at the small tea table under the back window. 

“I hope the rain doesn’t start again. I didn’t bring an umbrella.”

I hum, more preoccupied with trying to find a better distraction than my ripped cuticles. 

“He’s up front,” Jessie assures, “I think I saw that guy I dated the summer after freshman year...Mack something or other...busing these tables. I’m sure he’ll wait on us.”

“Whitaker.”

“What?”

“His name was Mack Whitaker.”

“Yeah, him. It’ll be fine.” She shrugs like it’s nothing. I can’t imagine being her.

The place is busy, rightfully so on a bleak Saturday afternoon. The sun pokes through the clouds occasionally, carving streams of golden light across our table, Jessie’s face, and I assume mine as well. She compliments my eyes and I thank her, then proceed to detail a hundred abstract thoughts as to why she must pity me enough to lie. Someone—who isn’t Mack Whitaker—brings us each water and apologizes for the wait. They’re swamped, understaffed, and had barreled through a visit from the health department early this morning. 

“Anthony’s pissed again,” Jessie mumbles, pursing her lips when I look up at her. I raise my brows so she’ll continue. “I missed his call the other night. But I was busy, so…” she shakes her head and scoffs a laugh. 

“It’s sweet though, that he wants to talk to you everyday.”

“Yeah, I know,” she sighs. 

“He’ll get over it,” I assure her. “He did the last time.”

“I just hope he’s over it before he comes up here.”

“Good afternoon, have you had a chance to look at the menu?” A girl from my class ends our conversation. She wears the same outfit as Harry. When she smiles I have to blink, her teeth whiter than heat, slightly crooked, and I imagine she overdoes the stinging gel against her gums to make up for it. It works. Her lips and cheeks look as if she’d became too friendly with strawberries; a character face, full and round, structured like magazine models with skin to match. I remember her from the previous year: pretty, even at eight in the morning. Boys like her, professors like her. Head of the Spanish club but I bet she can’t count past diez. 

“Two turkey on ciabatta with tomato soup. No mayo on one. Diet Coke aaand…” Jessie raises her brows at me.

“My water is fine, thanks.” 

“No mayo,” our server draws out the syllables while jotting down our order. ”Well my name’s Danielle, if you need anything just—” She points her pencil at me and squints, as if that clears my image and her memory. “You look familiar…” She hums to herself, taps the end of the pencil against her lips before her eyes light up. I gulp. “Oh! You’re in my class aren’t you? The early one on Monday and Wednesday!” 

I nod. “Yeah, World Lit.”

“Yeah! How are you doing on your book report?”

“Um, good I guess. Haven’t gotten too far into it yet.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty stupid right? I heard it was the TA’s idea. I mean, I haven’t done a book report since high school.” She laughs and rolls her eyes. “So—oh! Speak of the devil.”

My face feels as though I’m being stung by a thousand bees. Harry sidles up beside Danielle and nods to each of us. 

“Afternoon, ladies.” He’s holding a pitcher of ice water and flicks his gaze down to my glass.

I regret how much I drank when he fills it back up to the rim. I scrape my teeth against my tongue before I’m able to say anything. “Thank you.”

He nods, opens his mouth, but Danielle beats him to it. 

“We were just discussing our class.”

My veins are filled with wax, dripping at a pace so unoriginal, hardening, crystallizing. I grab my cutlery wrapped in a mauve pink napkin to occupy my hands, twisting and prodding and jabbing. 

“Yeah,” she continues when all he does is nod. “So what are we doing on Monday?”

“I have a surprise for you all, something I’ve been working on with Dr. Pierce—”

“Oh!” Danielle interrupts. “What is it?”

Harry raises his brows and laughs. “Well I can’t tell you, now can I? Won’t be a surprise.”

“Ohh, yes you can. We won’t say a word.”

Harry denies her once more. His eyes flicker down to me. “I’m sure you won’t. But you’ll have to wait for class to find out.”

“Oh my God! Your hand!”

I follow Jessie’s voice to see a small pool of blood decorating the table, my napkin having soaked up some, my skin a bit more. Red reflects in the sparkling silver of a fork and spoon, glistening on the blade of a knife I have carelessly sawed against the tip of my ring finger. I didn’t feel anything until I saw the cut, and now it stings. 

“We have a first aid kit in the back.” I hear Harry say but I look to Jessie. “Here,” he pulls a handful of napkins from his apron and cups them around my finger. “Is this okay?”

I nod without looking at him. He tells me to come with him, and I oblige, weighing my evils as the entire room is now focused on our table and the girl bleeding out right before their eyes. As I walk with him, I selfishly hope I do lose enough to earn a transfusion, amputate my finger, something, anything, so I can leave. If I get to stay in the hospital, I won’t have to go to class Monday. 

“Don’t worry!” Danielle whispers as she passes by us. “He’s great with his hands.”

I see vörös everywhere. 

***

It burns. Really burns. But I’m thankful. It’s the only thing keeping me aware that I’m alive, that I can’t hide away, that I need to mark my movements as always. He rinses my finger under an ice cold water bottle he pulled from a tiny fridge below the staff’s sign-in computer. Someone yelled at him—Ralph. His name is on the bottle. 

“This is cleaner than whatever comes out of the sink.” 

He slips his foot around the leg of a metal chair and drags it over by the sink; the closet door it had held open falls shut. With a nod he tells me to sit. I say nothing, just watch him care for the small wound like my life really is dependent on it. 

“Can I have your hand—er—can I see it? Your hand?” He rolls his lips in and clears his throat when I extend my arm to him. His touch is almost nonexistent. I barely feel his fingers splaying my hand flat and wide while he rinses the blood off. He uses a towel tucked into his waistband to dry me off, and then pops open the lid of the first aid kit. 

“This is just an antiseptic...don’t think it should burn.” He smooths a small bit of opaque gel over the ridiculously tiny split in my skin. “I think the head and the hand...always an extreme amount of blood. When I was a kid, my sister’s cat scratched me, right under my left eyebrow. It felt like someone poured water down my face. Mum thought I was goin’ to die.” He folds a purple band-aid over my finger, frowning when it’s not smooth so he starts again. “There. Are you alright? Did I hurt you?”

“No,” I whisper.

“Good. Okay. Um, well I guess I’d better get back.” His hand lingers on the bandage, running his thumb over it one last time, and then he finally pulls away. 

“Yeah.” I’m shaky when I stand, and curse myself when I almost trip over the chair when I turn to leave. I pause to speak over my shoulder. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

The walk back is long, and I have to fight the urge to look and see what he’s doing. I don’t hear the chair scraping against the floor or Ralph complaining about his water. I’m thankful I threw on my good jeans this morning. 

Jessie is bouncing in her seat when I return—the table beside ours. “Is it bad? It was a lot of blood! Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. It was really small. The cut I mean.” I look down at my bandage like it’s a secret. “Where’s my stuff?”

“They’re replacing it all,” she waves off. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it throbs a little bit—”

“No, not that! I mean him. Did he say anything to you? Was he mean? Because I’ll go back there if you need me to.”

“No—no, sit down, would you.” I hold back a laugh; she doesn’t need the encouragement. “He was nice.”

“Good. I tried to follow you but the manager came out and asked me what happened. We get our meal free, by the way.”

“Well then I guess this was worth it.”

Our food comes quickly, served by the manager herself. 

“Why aren’t you eating?”

I stir my soup. I can see the reflection of my eyes in the red pool, and I watch myself blink once before rippling my image away. “M’not that hungry.”

Jessie leans over the table and lowers her voice. “What happened?”

“What?”

“With Harry, in the back.”

“No, nothing.” I sigh and slump back into my chair. “I’m just tired. And I have a lot of work to do. That stupid report. And I have a quiz in another class on Tuesday. I’m fine. And he—”

“How are we doing? Is there anything I can get you guys?” Danielle looks prettier each time I see her. I shake my head while Jessie answers, keeping my focus on my untouched food. “Did Harry take care of you?”

It’s a good thing I wasn’t eating or else I would have choked. “Uh, yeah. He did.”

“I knew he would. He’s a sweet one.”

“Mhm.”

How easy it would be, to tell her my name. Tell her that her teeth are too white and her shirt is too tight. I could tell her that Harry’s sister’s cat scratched him when he was a kid and that’s where that tiny little scar above his eye is from. Did you know that Danielle? Or were you too preoccupied with what his hands were doing?

“Alright, well just holler for me if you need anything!”

I ignore her but she doesn’t seem to notice, waltzing off. Harry’s counting menus when she approaches him at the front. I think I hear her call him an angel, but I know I see him smile. I tell Jessie I want to leave. If I’m going to throw up it’s going to be in my bathroom with my best friend holding my hair back. 

***

I've had the Arctic Monkeys stuck in my head all morning. Every clink of the spoon against my bowl of cheerios, every step I took rushing to school because I decided to spend my time in the shower crying, every yawn from everyone stumbling into class. 

And I'll be yours until the stars fall from the sky, 

Yours, until the rivers all run dry. 

It’s five past eight. Dr. Pierce stands towards the corner, pointing at paperwork another professor is showing him. Each time a student cracks the door open they smile and hurry to their desk like they’ve won something. Freshmen. He told us twice that he doesn’t care if we’re late, it’s our grade not his, which I appreciate. My pen taps across my notebook. 

And I'll be yours until the sun no longer shines, 

Yours, until the poets run out of rhyme 

In other words, until the end of time

He is late, however. I try to refuse my need to look up at the door each time it opens. I want to dismiss the anxiety of waiting for him. 

I'm gonna stay right here by your side, 

Do my best to keep you satisfied 

Nothin' in the world could drive me away 

'Cause every day, you'll hear me say

“Sorry, sorry,” Harry apologizes, bustling through the door. He did his best to fix the upturned collar of his rose pink button-down, subtly, albeit he fails miserably when a smudge of maroon is revealed. “I uh,” he clears his throat, “had some things to take care of. Got carried away.” He directs his excuse towards our professor, scrambling to pull out today’s materials from his bag. 

Dr. Pierce bids the professor goodbye and welcomes Harry, offering him time to gather himself which he does rather quickly. His lips are pressed together until he’s the center of attention, scanning the room as he always does, finalizing on me and I swear his eyes glisten. 

“So, uh, today we’ll be—”

“So sorry I’m late.” Danielle hurries through the door and takes her seat at the front.

“Right, um, welcome.” Harry’s gaze is trained on the paper in his hands. His brows furrow and he clears his throat before continuing. “As I was saying, we’re doing something a tad different today. Dr. Pierce and I have been talking, and we decided to break up our usual routine And with your reports due soon, offer you all a little added support. So we’ll be heading to the library where you all can work, ask questions, get mine or Dr. Pierce’s advice—whatever you need to finish the final touches before you hand anything in.”

Most everyone appears pleased with this news, proceeding to sling their bags over their shoulders and get out of their chairs. 

“Hold on, hold on,” Dr. Pierce interjects the flow. “You must work on your report and your report only. This isn’t a free-for-all. And I don’t want to hear that you’ve finished it, because I can guarantee that there’s room for improvement from each of you.”

Danielle is the first to make it to the front. She passes Harry on her way to the door and straightens his collar. His face matches the rose colored stain she thumbs over and I think about how if I veer off and go home, no one will notice. 

And I'll be yours until two and two is three, 

Yours, until the mountains crumble to the sea 

In other words, until eternity 

Baby, I'm yours

***

Our library is something out of a medieval storybook. Rich, haunted woods and six tier windows where dust sparkles through the light pushing in. You can lose aged pennies against the floor and get lost behind dusty shelves if you want to. There are microfilms, typewriters, and a spirit machine downstairs and two velvet couches on the second floor. 

I spent the majority of my first semester here, back when Jessie brought a different boy home every Friday night. I’ve missed the smell, the quiet, the disturbed alteration of reality inside its doors. But when I look around at my class tossing their bags on tables and hollering for Dr. Pierce or Harry’s attention, I’m not sure if I’ll make plans to come back. 

Ms. Bortnick, the head librarian, is a stout woman who barely sees over the front desk, but somehow always knows when I’ve come in. When it’s raining, she knows the shake of my umbrella from everyone else’s. And when it’s spring, she knows my sneezes from everyone else’s. She is like a grandmother, only she’d never had kids, so not quite so in that you can’t get away with stuff. She has a bad eye and one good kidney, and sometimes she mixes these two things up, but I gave up on correcting her long ago. That’s how long I’ve been here. 

She is Ukrainian and her accent is thick and aged, much like her mind. “Hello nyuszi,” she says before I’m fully inside. It’s bunny in Hungarian. A nickname from my mom, who tells everyone because she thinks it’s cute. Everyone, including the tiny librarian during the campus tour we took forever and a day ago. 

“Hi Ms. Bortnick,” I say, lagging, like I’m embarrassed, because I am. 

She just waves with a big grandmother-like smile that makes you miss home. 

I take a seat at a small table, behind a section of Virginia Woolf. Most of the voices die down, the clicks of keyboards taking their place, and I  pull out the research I’ve started for my report. The Tropic of Cancer, slightly tattered and worn, lay open beside my notebook, and my laptop sits adjacent. 

“You coming along well?”

Shit. I jump, my ears ringing. “I’m fine.”

Harry nods and paces behind me to look over my shoulder. The air below his body weighs down against my back, so suffocating and harnessing that I’m sure I feel the waves and vibrations his heart emits. I try to swallow but my tongue gets in the way. I should’ve stayed home.

Harry nods and paces behind me to look over my shoulder. The air below his body weighs down against my back, so suffocating and harnessing that I’m sure I feel the waves and vibrations his heart emits. I try to swallow but my tongue gets in the way. I should’ve stayed home. 

“I actually did an analysis on Henry Miller a couple years ago. If you wanna pick my brain, you’re more than welcome to.”

“Oh uh, thanks.”

His voice is grumbly, like rocks turning over beneath tires. Yet smooth, like washing sand off your body. I’m perplexed for a moment, at how these two things meet together so well, but that’s always the case with people. Like how Ms. Bortnick can’t remember anyone’s actual name, but sews that wound up with a pet name she picks out just for you. 

“Yeah, I think I might even have an essay on my laptop. You can look over it if you’d like,” he says. 

“Thank you, but I think I’m fine with what I have.”

“Well if you need anything, just let me know.”

I nod. My eyes blink once he steps away, and it takes me a moment to remember where I am and what I am doing. I’m a bit separated from most of the class, at one of the outlying tables apart from the student section where Harry ambles around everyone. Whenever he bends over to look at someone’s work, the muscles beneath his shirt ripple and contract. I can see his shoulder blades from here, and I’m failing to recall a time when the definition of someone’s spine has ever called for my attention. 

I shake my head, naïvely expecting that to clear my mind. Google is pulled up on my laptop, but instead of searching for The Tropic of Cancer, I press the keys in Harry’s name. 

The first couple links that pop up are social media accounts. I avoid these and move on to the next option, a link going back to our school. It takes me to his name under the directory, nothing more than a profile picture and his credentials. 

Harry Styles

Received his Bachelor of Arts in English Literature at New York University in 2016. He completed a one year internship at the Ann Rittenberg Literary Agency Inc. in New York in 2017, and in 2018, spent a year abroad in France and Italy studying classic literature surrounding the 16th, 17th, and 18th centuries. He is currently working on his graduate degree, assisted professional teaching placement, and his thesis on the cultivation of the Renaissance era in regards to English literature. 

I read over everything three times. That’s how long it takes me to grasp it all. He’s accomplished more in three years of his life than I have in my entire existence. It’s weird, being in my twenties and already feeding off the desire of wanting to be young again. It’s not fair how some people are prone to achievements and winning, while the rest of us are left to scramble around, years later to piece together a life that offers a sliver of satisfaction. 

I close the window and ineptly click on one of his social media accounts, and for some reason my stomach twists. There’s a picture of him on twitter, from this weekend. He’s at Truman’s with his arm around Danielle, a smile on his face, and a caption thanking her for getting him his job. They’re both pretty; perfect for each other really. The only thing I can think of being thankful for in this moment is that I was not included in their picture. No one needs to see that comparison; I provide myself with enough pity to feed an army.

And maybe it’s stupid, but I navigate to Danielle’s account. There’s a weird fraction in the self-loathing lifestyle, like my brain needs a reminder of where I stand in this world. It keeps me in check, I believe. I cannot imagine thinking I look good, only to be reminded that I don’t in fact, look anything close to good. That’s a big fall to take, and I prefer to spend my time at the bottom. I’ve earned my place here.

I zoom in to every picture. Have you ever compared your wrist to someone? Or the space where your neck meets your shoulders? She has a big, red birthmark on her hip, but she makes it look necessary. And I’m sure Harry probably likes it. And I’m sure she’s told him how she’s no longer ashamed of it, and she’s not afraid to wear bikinis because she doesn’t care what people think. And she probably thinks that’s what makes her different and that’s the story she tells, how she overcame insecurity and loves her body now. And she would probably tell me that I just need to learn how to accept my flaws and learn to love them and then I’ll finally be happy like her. But that’s stupid, even stupider then me scrolling through her account to find some awkward picture, maybe one where her nose and lips are less perfect and I can start saving up for surgery too. Because if I looked like her, I’d have no problem being happy. I’d post pictures on the beach, and find a boyfriend, and not feel like a pathetic loser who’s done nothing with her life.

“Are you writing your report on Danielle?”

I lurch with stiff bones, and now I can’t remember if I’ve had this headache all day or if Dr. Pierce’s voice triggered it. Shamefully, I close the browser. “No, I’m sorry.” I hope that’s enough, because it’s all I can afford to give right now. Maybe if he knew I was seconds away from crying he’ll leave me alone.

“Get back to work please.”

Just make it ‘til you get home. You can cry there. Not here. Not here. Not here.

***

I tediously lower my body so that the water pulses right below my chin. My knees are covered, but only if I remain motionless, or the water will break against my skin and then my knee caps will appear suddenly. I inch my feet further across the acrylic until they are hidden once again. 

There is a window extending from the floor beside the tub all the way up, over my head so I have a view of the street below as well as the sky, and it’s always quite a contrast. If the street is busy, then the sky is not. But then if the sky has a heavy to-do list, then it’s the road below me that becomes shallow, except when rain is falling in a race to its demise against the concrete. 

I suck in a breath that’s full of my shampoo and bodywash and the rose oil I dropped in twenty minutes ago. I can taste it in my lungs, so before it becomes too much, I push against my heels, my knees forming mountains as they break the surface and my head becomes consumed a moment later. The pressure is light, just enough; I’m more aware that I’m living than I did when oxygen was flowing through my lungs. I count to ten and then release the burn as I crash upwards. It’s a bit dramatic and cinema worthy, but there’s no one watching; even the city-goers are too far below me to care that I live here. 

“Is my phone in there?”

I drag my eyes open and sure enough, Jessie’s phone sits on the counter. “Come in!”

“Oh thank God, thought I left it at that party.” She picks her clothes from last night off the floor and throws them in the hamper. “You’re up early.”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“And why’s that?”

I shrug, but she doesn’t see me, now straightening up the mess she made of her toiletries, her back to me while she shoves everything into her drawer.

“Just one of those nights I guess.”

She peaks over her shoulder and hums. “You have a lot of those.” She turns fully, looking at me like she is a mother. I rack my brain for an excuse but I can’t find one. If I did, I would’ve tried it out on myself years ago. “Y’know I’m here to talk. I’m your best friend...that’s part of my job.”

I smile at the water, but turn away when I see my reflection. “I’m fine. Just getting used to the semester.”

She lets the defeat show on her face, and I’m glad I know how to mask mine. “Alright then. Well just text me if you need me. I’m always here for you.” Her voice is soft and patient and I feel guilty for lying to her. “I’m late for cello practice.”

“I’ll be fine. Gonna enjoy my day off.”

“And actually enjoy it! No studying, no flash cards!” She laughs when I roll my eyes. “I mean it. Go to the park, eat a pint of ice cream, masturbate, please, anything outside of those notebooks of yours!”

“I’ll add those to the list,” I laugh. “I’m probably just gonna stay home and relax. Watch Uptown Girls or something. Eat cookie dough.”

“And—”

“And masturbate I know.”

She kisses my head and grabs her phone, heading out the door, her voice fading as she leaves. “You can tell me all about it later.”

The tile is cold beneath my feet, and slick with warning as I pull the plug on the drain and take a moment to scan the world outside. The sun is in attendance today, some of its beams make their way into the bathroom and have crawled across the floor all morning. I decide to stand there, on the beams to warm my toes slightly. It’s probably more in my head, the warmth, but I’ll take it either way. The tiles are black and white, a classic checkerboard, and I gave up on choosing a color to step on not long after we moved in. 

The mirror is foggy and I work fast to wash my face and brush my teeth, keeping my towel tight around myself until the last possible second, trading it’s warmth for a sweater and jeans. I slip into my shoes. I haven’t read much for leisure, and pick up my copy of Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl from my bookshelf before I leave. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it, but each time never fails to reward me with something I didn’t catch the last time. 

***

There’s a park within walking distance from my apartment. I like to go there in the rain sometimes, under my green umbrella, and read literary magazines with a thermos of coffee Jessie made me. I look like the adult that I’m supposed to be. I don’t think anyone ever notices, which isn’t much different then the expectations I lay out for myself the night before. 

Today, however, I am not walking to the park. I am taking a train to the park. The park—Central Park. And it’s not raining and I forgot to bring coffee, but I need today. I need to do something for myself. Something outside my comfort zone. That’s how you become a better person, right?

We don’t have subways back home. There isn’t much of anything back home other than high school football games, car washes, and stray cats that everyone feeds. The first time I rode the train I cried. Jessie told me that it was okay, and that’s why I did it the next time, and the time after that. I’m not going to cry today, though. I am not going to get overwhelmed and worry about when to get on and when to get off and who’s looking at me and how I wouldn’t be able to help anyone if they get mugged or how if I trip and fall on the platform, I’ll start praying for death. 

Light flashes at a rhythm I’m unfamiliar with, but I manage to keep my focus on my book. It shakes in my hands but I keep reading. I’m not really reading, in its true form, that is. I’ve marked this book up so much I could use it as confetti, and those are the parts I’m reading. The parts that meant something to me at each stage of my life: I used a green pen at age eleven, red sharpie at fifteen, blue highlighter at twenty, and ripped sticky notes at twenty-three. It’s less of a commitment this way, but when the screeching travels up my spine and I can smell something other than people when I’m back on solid ground, I wipe my cheeks and they’re dry. 

When I lie in bed at night and think over the many sins and shortcomings attributed to me, I get so confused by it all that I either laugh or cry: it depends on what sort of mood I am in. Then I fall asleep with a stupid feeling of wishing to be different from what I am or from what I want to be; perhaps to behave differently from the way I want to behave.

I have a plan in place. One that I didn’t feel comfortable telling Jessie even though I know she’d be supportive. That’s the conundrum; having a best friend who loves you so much they want to fix you. She would have tagged along today, asked me how I’m feeling a million times and try to rationalize everything. She’d tell me all the ways I can be happy. But she can’t do that. No one should be allowed to, really. Because if you say can then there also has to be the option of can’t. And if people had the choice to pick what state their mind was in every day, I wouldn’t be strolling around parts of New York I’ve never been in, trying to scrounge up some off-handed version of self-love.

I bought a bath bomb and candles, stopped at a stationary store to pick up pens and notebooks that I don’t need, another Beatles t-shirt and chocolate. A farmer’s market was selling fresh fruit and I bought a tomato and ate the whole thing right there. I don’t care that it’s cheap retail therapy. It’s blocking out school and certain people and my age and my lack of success as an adult. And maybe it’s not working, but it’s New York—there’s distractions everywhere. And that’s exactly what I’m doing today. 

***

Liberty Island. That’s where the Statue of Liberty is. I am stupid for thinking Staten Island, but in my defense, that’s where everyone outside of New York thinks it is. When I moved here I wanted to see it. It was going to be this defining moment that solidified me in my new home, this incredible rebirth that validated me leaving my parents. I was going to buy cheap postcards and send them to my mom and I’d say See, I’m here and I’m happy. This was the right choice. I fit in. Please stop crying. At least I didn’t think it was Ellis Island. 

I’m on the right ferry heading towards the right island. Soon, I really see her and I start crying. She’s green but she’s not green, and she’s copper but also not really. She’s this woman and that’s fucking cool, except I know had she not been a gift, she would have been a man. There is someone with a microphone talking about her but the wind burns my ears so I pull up google on my phone. 

The Babylonian Ishtar, Imperial Rome’s goddess Libertas was Papal Rome’s “Mother of the Harlots and abominations of the earth” and the template for America’s Statue of Liberty.

I paid to visit the pedestal but not the crown. I don’t trust my body to climb twenty stories. I don’t wanna know what I’ll think about that high up. I saved up and bought a reservation and now that I’m here, I wish I’d brought Jessie along. I wish I had more people to choose from to bring along because this isn’t Jessie’s thing. But that was the idea, after all, to keep this day to myself, venture out, mark something off a bucket list I haven’t started yet. Distractions, distractions, distractions.

My bags are heavy and it’s hot, but I manage to read a lot of plaques and stroll around intentionally. I do, at certain moments, feel a sort of liberation with myself. Kind of like the first time you go out driving on your own. It’s scary, and a part of you still wishes your mom was behind the wheel, but that kind of being alone is freedom. It’s not the car or the license, it’s the option to be fully by yourself at any time. 

And I can’t help but wonder, compare, really, myself to the woman who I’m wandering around below her dress. She does lonely well. She does it right. All by herself she stands, a beacon, a purified symbol. And this is where I’m at, apparently, scrutinizing my abilities at making loneliness look mature and comparing myself to a statue.

Truly, this is my day. 

I take pictures of everything around me and it must be the sea air, because I do contemplate asking this dad of four kids to take one of me. I push that out of my head rather quickly. I switch the filter to black and white and angle my phone to get a photo overlooking the harbor once I’m back outside, but stop right in my tracks, when a familiar face is in the frame. 

“Oh my God! I can’t believe you’re here! What a small world!”

Dozens of names swim around my head, and my courtesy smile eases into a real one once one of them starts flashing, matching this person’s face before I make a fool of myself. 

“Devon, hey, s’been a while.”

“I know, God,” she shakes her head in disbelief, “high school feels like a century ago.”

She looks the same, only like a new version. Not exactly older or more mature, but like she stopped experimenting with makeup and her acne finally calmed down. All of her features sit on top of her face, warm, eyes just as piercing as when we were seventeen. She was always cute and that quality has followed her over the years. 

“So what are you doing?” she asks and I squint because of the wind, imagining her words rearranging in the breeze into something easier to answer. 

“Um, just sightseeing.”

“Well I figured that,” she laughs. “I mean, your life, what’s up?”

I know my face looks resistant. Everyone pulls the same look when your stuck explaining something that is going to automatically lower the standard in which the other person sees you: nearly closed eyes, barred upper teeth while your top lip pulls up in thought, sucking in a short breath before speaking, stiff neck and chest. 

“I uh, well I’m still in school,” I nod along and loosen my volume to sound like I’m happy. “And uh, working.”

“Oh are you working on your masters?”

“No just um, maybe one day, but not right now.”

“Okay.” It is that ‘okay’. The you-are-turning-pathetic-right-before-my-eyes Okay. She smiles anyway. “I’m thinking of going back next year to get my doctorate.” She shrugs. “So do you live here, or…”

“Yeah, yeah, I got a scholarship—”

“Oh well that’s good!”

“Uh huh.”

“We’re just visiting. Trying to hit all the hot spots though.”

“We?”

“Me and my fiancé. She’s—” she cranes her neck and points to somewhere behind her, “on a work call at the moment. Y’know it’s beautiful here, I wonder if we could have the wedding right here,” she laughs. 

“Yeah that would be something.”

“So, are you seeing anyone?” 

“Not at the moment.”

She gasps like she’s discovered something and points at the air between us. “Wait, weren’t you dating that guy, the uh, really smart one who graduated early? God, what was his name, Mark or Matt?”

“No that uh, that wasn’t me.”

“I could’ve sworn it was,” she laughs. 

“Nope.”

“Aw, bless your heart, well you’ll find someone. The city’s big!”

I am done with this conversation. I force a smile and excuse myself, heading off in the opposite direction so if any tears fall she won’t see, and keep to myself until it’s really cloudy and mist pricks my skin. Not soon enough, we’re boarding the ferry again. 

I wave to Lady Liberty and imagine her waving back when we leave. If I squint, it kind of does. Whether she’s saying goodbye or good luck, I don’t know.

***

Dinner is one of those meals that either means everything or nothing. Tonight it means nothing. I walk past Truman’s, slowly. Harry isn’t in there and I stop right outside the plated glass window, now decorated with orange and yellow leaves, and try to figure out if I would’ve gone in had he been there. A band is setting up along the back wall and that’s where I see Danielle. She’s got a tray of drinks that each member takes. When she spins around she’s smiling and she smiles as she walks towards the hostess’ podium and she smiles when she squeezes the hand of some guy that comes up and she smiles when she sees me. 

I wave because what else am I supposed to do. If I flip her off, she might strangle me with her extensions, or tell Harry that I was a bitch, or spit in my food the next time I come in. I wait till she’s distracted, and then I leave. I stop at a food truck and stuff my face with a taco. Nothing. 

Back down the street, back on the train, back to my apartment. 

“I didn’t cry this time.”

Jessie glances up from sliding the bow across the strings, the last note stinging the air. She looks so small next to the instrument. 

“On the train. I didn’t cry.”

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