#they are all unfinished to varying degrees but I feel bad leaving them never to be seen

[shweshishweh]

I’ve had these concepts in my drafts for almost a year 💀

[silverhandy]

House call - chapter 2

Chapter 1 I ao3

    Through his career, he’s been to a lot of places of varying degrees of decay, from the long-abandoned hotels subjected to evergoing gang disputes to the city’s garbage dump stretching miles upon miles outside of the city, a sea of trash and metal, often twisted into unrecognizable shapes, piling up into mountains, where every step meant a very real risk of slipping and impaling himself on a rust-bitten shard. Hidden in between were those unfortunate enough to end their journey in a place like this, abandoned by their rivals or hitmen too lazy to attempt hiding a body within the guts of the city. If they had a working car, and almost all of them did, it was way easier to just drive whatever was left of their target and dump it to be devoured by rats and whatever else evolved enough to survive in a place like this. Sometimes they wouldn’t even bother to check if the person they were leaving there was actually dead, hence the reason why he’d sometimes get calls begging him to fish a guy (or lady) down on their luck out. He found himself digging through trash more often than not, futile in his attempts to pinpoint his awaiting patient’s location. When he was starting out, the thought of giving up his search wouldn’t even cross his mind, he’d spend hours looking, even dragging along metal cutters with him, figuring they’d come in handy. They probably would’ve if not for the fact that he often wasn’t even able to find the person who called him, localization data too patchy to give him a solid lead on where he should even start.

    After a while, when he established himself and lost some of his rookie idealism, he put in a disclaimer that he wouldn’t go trash diving anymore, no matter the pay. A small step, but even at the beginning he tried to have standards.

    V’s apartment was far from Night City’s biggest trash dump, but something about the chaos within it reminded him of that when he switched on the lights. As if the hurricane had swept through the place, some of the furniture was tilted over, a pile of clothes, dangerously balanced on an overfilled laundry basket, threatened to collapse and spill over at any moment. A half-finished box of noodles laid abandoned on the counter, accompanied by a mosaic of pills from a knocked over bottle.

    Viktor found V curled up on the floor next to her bed, wearing a washed-out Samurai t-shirt and sweatpants, covers dragged along with her halfway between the linoleum and the mattress. He could barely see her face from the way she was bundled up. V didn’t move upon hearing his footsteps, didn’t even flinch when he kneeled next to her and reached out a hand to touch her shoulder.

    The ripper dropped the heavy bag at his side and gently cupped V’s face in his hands, wincing at how burned up the woman’s skin was, and turned it so he could take a quick glance. V’s eyes were rolled far back into her skull. Viktor started to have an idea of what he was dealing with here, has seen the wreckage that offensive hacking can cause many times before. They usually started out slow, identical to a bad case of flu but then, if dismissed, proceeded to stir fry one’s brain until not much was left.

    Viktor opened his bag and pulled out a small, remote biomonitor. It took a few seconds to fully calibrate, but eventually, the screen lit up.

    ‘V, can you hear me?’ he asked, not counting on her to answer. 'I’m going to connect your personal link now and see what’s going on in there, okay?' he reached for her wrist, already feeling her racing pulse, and connected it to the device. While it was loading, Viktor propped it up on the wall and grabbed V to lay her on her back to make the job easier for himself, and pulled out a few small gel-filled Ice-Pax. He knew she probably needed more, but those will have to do for now.

    Just as Viktor placed two under her arms and another on her groin, the monitor beeped. He reached over her to grab it and swiftly ran a basic diagnostics program, but save for the things he already knew, it didn’t spew out anything interesting. She was vastly overheated and her blood pressure shot up to a point where an angrily red window kept popping up to inform him of a 72% percent chance of an incoming cardiac event, but he dismissed it for now. Instead, Viktor chose a different angle and ran a more advanced version of the program, letting it comb through V’s frontal cortex and RAM.

    ‘There’s the rub’ he hummed to himself as the program kindly highlighted the results. He let out a long sigh. If V had come to see him a day earlier, he’d fix it in five minutes and she wouldn’t even notice, but now she’ll be out of commission for at least a week before she can even get out of bed. He’ll have to tell her a thing or two about responsibility, not that she’d listen to him anyway. Patients never did, but it still might be worth a shot.

    Viktor typed a few commands to enclose the scrambled code from her RAM and before pulling out V’s personal link, copied her real-time vitals chart onto his interface. After it appeared within his field of vision, he pulled out a worn-out connecting cord that he’s been promising himself he’d replace for ages now and inserted it into the neural port at V’s nape to get a better working field, now that he knew what the problem was. RAM damages were problematic in their very nature but pretty easy to fix once caught, not much of his medical knowledge needed. Viktor simply fired up what ripperdocs tended to call a “palate cleanser” and let it do the work, putting back together what the bug has managed to break.

    While the program was fixing up V’s tech, Viktor got to work on her body. Flipping the ice packs, he took a quick glance at her temperature and was glad to see that it had started to slowly go down, followed by her pulse and blood pressure, all three leaving the life-threatening territory. None of them were quite to his liking just yet, but at least now Viktor was sure V would pull through. Reaching into his bag, he eventually found an IV set, but decided it’d be better to move her onto the bed first, sparing himself all the gymnastics with the tubing and cables. Minding the biomonitor still plugged into her, Viktor leaned down to lift V and put her on the bed. She was quite heavy, the dead weight of her limp body adding to the feeling, but he didn’t even break a sweat carrying her. Taking the covers from the floor, he put them on her, straightening the wrinkled material intuitively.

    Having done that, Viktor grabbed her arm and carefully inserted the needle. To his relief, it went in on the first try. Glad he didn’t need to poke her any more than necessary, Viktor looked around and realized that V didn’t have anything even remotely resembling an IV stand, but when he looked up, he noticed a small hook, probably remains of a poster frame, conveniently placed over the bed. Stepping up on the edge of the bed frame, he placed the bag there, and after making sure that everything was in place, let it drip. That should do the job, maybe paired up with a shot of dopabenzamine if she won’t improve in the next few hours.

    Viktor let out a deep sigh of relief, feeling as if he’s been holding his breath ever since V called. Biomonitor’s estimated time kept shifting but eventually settled on six hours and twenty-three minutes. Viktor nodded to himself and turned around to take another look at the mess that V’s apartment has turned into. He leaned down and reached under the covers to grab the unpleasantly warm ice packs, and throw them in the freezer, wondering if he should clean up, just a little bit. Would V get mad at him for snooping around? Then again, she’ll need a few days to recover and this ever-growing mess around her surely won’t help. Or should he ask Misty? They were closer, he was pretty sure that she’s been over at V’s place at some point.

    Maybe he shouldn’t be overthinking this. Just a little bit, he told himself as he gathered the pills spilled on the counter, inspecting the label while he was at it. Strong shit, impossible to get by simply waltzing into a pharmacy. Viktor made a mental note to ask about it later, just to make sure that V doesn’t swallow these like candy. Of course she doesn’t, he reprimanded himself. She’s an adult, a stupid, reckless one, but an adult nevertheless. It still won’t hurt to bring it up, though.

    He put it back into the medicine cabinet and returned to the kitchen to deal with the noodles, and since they were on the verge of no longer being edible, he just tossed them into the trash can, along with other unfinished takeout he found in various places around the apartment. He didn’t want to snoop through V’s things, so he just folded the clothes that were sprawled all over the floor and couch and put them in a neat pile. When he was done, the place looked somehow presentable, so he settled on the couch opposite V’s bed.

    She appeared to be sleeping, although far from soundly. No longer completely unconscious, she kept tossing and turning, her face grimacing as her recovering brain no doubt served her a concoction of fever dreams.

    Just as Viktor leaned down to relax a little, he heard a ping of an incoming text message. He pulled it up

Misty

>that lady from Biotechnica is here to see you again, but you don’t seem to be in, what should I tell her?

                                                                                              >Tell her to fuck off

                                                        >I’m at V’s and have to stay for a few more                                                              hours, she screwed herself up real bad this                                                            time

>oh no what happened>

>?

                                                         >I’ll tell you all about it later, I got it covered                                                             for now

    He fully expected Misty to call him, alarmed, but apparently, he managed to reassure her just enough. He leaned back and closed his eyes, just for a second, but must’ve dozed off at some point, exhausted after over twenty hours without a chance for a shuteye. When he woke, a groan escaped his lips as the stiffness of his neck hit him with full force.

    That’s what you get for sleeping sitting up, old man, he told himself as he reached to grab his glasses off the floor. They must’ve slipped off at some point during his nap. Viktor stood up and stretched until he heard his joints crack. Still tired, he rubbed his eyes in a futile attempt to wake himself up and walked up to V’s bed to check on her. When he reached for the biomonitor to check the progress bar and see how long he’s been sleeping, V moved slightly. She opened her eyes and scanned the room, looking right over him, and furrowed her eyebrows. Finally, she looked up and saw Vik standing next to the bed and her expression went from blank to confused.

    ‘Vik? What…’ V cleared her throat. ‘What are you doin’ here?’

    ‘You don’t remember calling me?

    ‘Not quite’ she bit her lip, trying to gather her thoughts. ‘It’s a bit of a blur. I was feeling like absolute shit after that last job, thought I could just sleep it off.’ she said quietly, propping her head upon her elbow. ‘I didn’t expect it to grow into...whatever that was.’

    “A neurogenic cybervirus is what that is. Invisible until it starts to fry your brain. You gave me quite a fright.’

    “Fuck. I knew something was off about that netrunner, after she...eh, nevermind. Vik..how long have you been here anyway?

    ‘Uh,’ Viktor took a quick glance at the biomonitor ‘seven hours, give or take?

    ‘Fucking hell. I’m..’ she looked at him apologetically. ‘I’m gonna pay you back. What’s your house call fee again? I don't remember it being listed…’

    ‘Nah, it’s okay. I usually don’t do house calls, so consider that a favor. Just promise me that when you feel something’s off after a job, you’ll come to see me right away. There’s a lot of real vile stuff out there and you won’t even know until it gets you. That’s what you have me for.’

    ‘Sure, dad. You can spare me the lecture' she chuckled. ‘But for real, Vik. Thank you.’

    ‘No problem, really.’ he grabbed the biomonitor. Four minutes left. ‘You’re gonna feel like you were hit by a truck for the next few days, but there shouldn’t be any lasting damage. I’ll check up on you in a few days and send in Misty or Jackie in the meantime to help you out since I’d rather you didn’t get out of bed more often than necessary. Next time you see me, consider getting that new set of optics and a gun grip. Might save your ass next time someone attempts to do you dirty like his.’

    Something akin to a smile appeared on her face. ‘Doctor’s orders?’

    ‘Doctor’s orders.’

[general-sleepy]

So, I’ve had this thing hanging around unfinished since forever, and I figure since, you know, all of this is happening, I might as well post a fragment of the Dracula/MST3K crossover the world clearly needed. Note the complete absence of any attempt to replicate Mr. Swales’ accent.��

"Another day, another dollar," Mina said as she punched in for the day at Gizmonic Institute.

"Mhm," Jonathan agreed. "About a hundred and twelve before taxes" He entered his own code on the wall-mounted module. As much as Mina told him it was silly, Jonathan still insisted on letting her punch in first, so that she would get that theoretical five seconds more of pay. 

"You always know how to cheer me up, dear." She gave him a quick peck on the lips, before they adjusted their matching messenger bags and entered the central compound. 

Gizmonic Institute wasn't a bad place to work. Maybe not great, but plenty fine in this economy. The $15.00 an hour, plus benefits, was nothing to sneeze at -- though the in-house medical care did come with mandatory participation in medical experiments. At least Mina wasn't smelling colors anymore, and Dr. Billington had assured both of them that the gallbladder wasn't a vital organ. The dark-matter-powered psychic-enhancing hairdryer had left Jonathan with a permanent white streak in his hair. He'd been self-conscious about it at first, but Mina had to admit that she found it pretty cute. 

They chatted aimlessly in the elevator down, after having completed their palm, retinal, and ear scans. The conversation had settled into a discussion of whether to go out for dinner or heat up that leftover shepherd's pie casserole, maybe with some braised Brussels sprouts, when they stepped off the elevator at Deep 5. It looked like it was going to be an average day of transcribing experiment notes and proofreading grant proposals. The life of two average Gizmonic secretaries: just another pair of faces in pink jumpsuits.

Mary, Dr. Hawkins' lab assistant, was examining a folder, leaning against a filing cabinet in Jonathan and Mina's teeny office.

"Good morning," Jonathan said, with that sunshiney smile that melted Mina's heart every time.

"Morning, Mr. Harker. Mrs. Harker."

"How are you?"

“Fine. You've both been reassigned."

"Huh?" they both said, both in the process of settling down in their desks.

Mary nodded. "Internal memo just came down the tubes." She took a piece of paper from the folder and held it out to them. "You've been asked to assist Dr. Dracula in Deep 12."

Mina's heart sank to around the region of her knees.

"Dr. Dracula?" Jonathans tense, squeaky voice accurately expressed her cocktail of disappointment, apprehension, and disbelief.

"Yup. I don't know what exactly he wants you for, but he requested you two specifically. Presumably something clerical."

Jonathan and Mina shared an anxious glance. Every punch-clock Gizmocrat shared a healthy dread of Dracula. (No one had ever been able to figure what his first name was). From his ghoulish appearance to his mannerisms to the type of experiments he conducted, the man was creepy, threatening, and deeply unpleasant to be around. Every encounter they'd had with the scientist had left them nauseous and deeply unsettled. In a business peopled mainly with scientists of varying degrees of madness, Dracula was out there on the far edge of acceptable insanity.

Mina had once been tasked with proofing a grant proposal from him for what appeared to be a kitten-powered submarine, which from the abstract was the cutest thing she'd ever heard of, until she went further and read things that still haunted her darkest nightmares. In person, he was strangely friendly, with occasional flashes of maniacal rage or laughter and apparently no awareness of the concept of personal space.

Now, they were going to go work for him.

"Well, I guess we'll see you around," she said.

"Uh-huh," Mary said, eyes on her folder again.

Mina and Jonathan made their way out of the office and  back to the elevator.

"Oh, boy," Jonathan exhaled.

"You said it."

"What does he want with us? It's not like we're qualified to help with his experiments, and he never publishes or shares any experiment notes."

"I was wondering the same thing. Unless he wants us for guinea pigs.”

Jonathan's eyes widened. She reached out and took his hand.

"Don't worry. We'll keep our eyes open, and if something doesn't feel right, we'll leave and tell Dr. Hawkins."

Jonathan nodded. They both knew how difficult that could be. Neither of them was particularly assertive, hence why they found themselves regularly bullied into participating in "voluntary" experiments; like the time they spent six months "voluntarily" growing lab mice on their chests. Thankfully, in this case, she was being asked to stand up, not just for herself, but for Jonathan. If Dr. Creepy bothered her husband in any way, she'd smack him over the head with his own Bunsen burner.

They kept holding hands during the elevator ride down to Deep 12. The elevator stopped at Deep 7, and Old Man Swales, the janitor, entered with his mop and bucket."

"Good morning, Mr. Swales." She was surprised at how cheerful her voice was despite the circumstances.

"Mornin', Mrs. Harker, Mr. Harker. Lovely day to you." Mr. Swales had been working at Gizmonic Institute for, as far as anyone could tell, as long as it had been around. The consensus was that he had been ancient even then, so his current age was a mystery. "Where are you two off to?"

"We've been asked to assist Dr. Dracula for the time being," Jonathan said.

Swales' eyes widened. He shook his head. "No, no, you don't want to do that."

"I know," Mina said. "Honestly, we'd rather not either, but we can't exactly--"

"No, no, no," Swales interrupted, still shaking his head, jowls and eyebrows swaying. "There's evil things goes on down there. Strange, unnatural things. He's an odd man that Dracula. A dangerous madman."

Mina chose not to respond that a lot of what he said could be applied to many Gizmonic scientists. 

"Well, all the same,” Jonathan said, “we have our jobs to do."

Swales reached out a leathery hand and grasped Mina's arm. He did the same to Jonathan. "You young people look out for yourselves."

"We will, sir," Jonathan said.

"Keep your wits about you."

"Thank you Mr. Swales. We will."

He was still shaking his head when he stepped off the elevator at Deep 9. "May God protect both your souls."

"Have a nice day, sir," Mina said, before the doors shut. She and Jonathan just looked at each other as the elevator continued to descend.

"Well, that was..."

A loudspeaker crackled to life. “Mr. Jonathan Harker. Mrs. Wilhelmina Harker.” A voice boomed.

They both jumped. Mina let out a wordless squawk of alarm.

“Christ Almighty!” Jonathan exclaimed, his Devon accent pushing to the fore as it always did when he was surprised or excited. If she wasn't so shaken herself, Mina would have found it as cute as she usually did.

“Um, yes, sir?” she said, looking around for the location of the speaker.

“Good morning, my friends,” the voice responded. She could Now recognize it as belonging to Dracula, with the slight, but noticeable and unplaceable accent and the tone of over-friendliness that was deeply unsettling. “Enter freely and leave something of the happiness you bring.”

“Uh, good morning to you, too,” Mina said. They shared a look of confusion uneasiness. “Mary Irving said you asked for us to help you with... “ She remembered that she had no idea what they were supposed to be helping him with, so she just finished lamely, “...Today.”

“Excellent. Please enter through the red door.”

Mina stared at the circular metal door. She looked at Jonathan. “Would it be too cliché to say that I have a bad feeling about this?” she whispered.

“No,” Jonathan responded at the same volume. “That sounds about right.”

“I guess we don't have much of a choice.”

“I could go in and say that you were feeling sick and had to go home.”

“Jonathan, there is no way I'm going to let you go in there alone.” She took his hand in hers and squeezed. “I'm sure it will be alright. You know these scientists are all drama queens. He's probably just your average mad scientist with a goth paint job. It's nothing we don't deal with every day.”

Jonathan let out a deep breath and nodded.

“Of course you're right.”

“And if anything seems to strange we'll leave straight away.”

“Absolutely.”

They kissed quickly. Jonathan moved a step ahead to the door. They were a bit confused at first, then Mina cranked the wheel in the center. Jonathan had to join her; together their primary sources of exercise were filing cabinets and carrying stacks of folders.

Finally, they felt a thunk, and it seemed as though the door was unlocked.

They shared a look. 

“Here we go,” Mina said. They worked together to haul open the door.

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 3X11 - Coming Home

Will Pan take over Storybrooke and turn it into PAN-archy?!

...I’m gonna miss this arc for more than PUN reason!

Anyways, let’s close out the fun and talk about feels and semi-smart things under the cut!

Press Release

In the Winter Finale episode, the race is on to stop Pan from enacting another curse on the residents of Storybrooke, which could kill every living soul in town.

Main Thoughts - Characters/Stories/Themes and Their Effectiveness

Past

So this segment is made of mini segments, so I’m gonna give mini reviews for all of them!

Snow and Charming: Blue, for all of her asshole-y beauraucracy, can be so vague and platitude-y when she wants to be. It’s not too bad here. BUT just like David’s speech in that same scene, it’s kind of the point that it’s vague, but comforting all the same. David’s was definitely the better of the two speeches.

Killian, Smee, and Tink: Okay, so now we’re given a LOT more info on Killian’s stay in Neverland. It looks like he wanted to leave Neverland as soon his interactions with Bae were done. I wonder when he decided to incorporate the Dreamshade though. BUT, in terms of the snippet itself, it’s pretty serviceable as a “look how far we’ve come” counterpart for both Killian and Tink. They’re both mean enough and hopeless enough.

Henry and Mary Margaret: ...First off, I love how Henry gets out of explaining anything about his homework! XD Second and more seriously, I think that this was the most necessary of the segments. It comes back and shows a starting point for Henry, the catalyst for so many characters on the show. I ADORE Emma and love her as the Savior, but I do think that at times, Henry was more of this turning point for characters and seeing where he took off was so important.

Rumple and Belle: “My ending shall not be a happy one.” I didn’t like this line. Literally, the entire reason Rumple cast this curse was to find Bae and make his ending a happy one. And it’s not like Rumple ever lost faith in that happening, so what the hell? Like, this line was just a weird character contradiction (Different than a plot hole) and it makes the scene threaten to fall apart.

Emma’s Pregnancy: I loved the revisiting of this scene and its post-memory change revision. It’s so heartbreaking to see Emma believe that she can’t take care of Henry, but also beautiful that she wants to give him his best chance, no matter what.

Present

Tink’s take down of Pan’s shadow is so satisfying! The music that accompanies it and everyone believing in her is just beautiful! It’s also the only time where flying is truly framed as whimsical without something darker being below the surface and that’s something desperately needed in this pretty freakin’ dark episode.

Pan is fucking brutal. From his speech about how much of a leech he saw Rumple as to the cuff to “down boy,” he proves himself more here than anywhere else to not only be a psychological monster, but a full-on monster. His strip down of Rumple in their scene at the shop is horrifying, especially given that this is RUMPLE! Rumple, the biggest threat in the series until Pan, was left sniveling in a corner at the end of the scene.

Rumple’s the big dog in this episode. It’s his moment that’s given the most gravitas and serves as what amounts to the climax of the story (And at little over the halfway mark at that) and for good reason. His arrival at the conclusion of what has to happen in order to save everyone was ingeniously reached. I have a lot more to say about that, so we’ll get to it when we talk about arcs.

So, here’s something I want to point out about Rumple’s big scene -- something that harkens back to why I often make a point of saying “fuck plot holes:” From a plot and story perspective, it makes no fucking sense. Why could only the dagger kill Pan? Why did Rumple have to die for Pan to have to die? This shit is never explained. But here’s the thing and why it and the larger aspect of plot holes matter so little to me: IT DOESN’T MATTER. The important thing about this scene is the climax of Rumple’s emotional journey -- Rumple “definitively” choosing love over power. It’s a point of emotional culmination and as it stands, it’s one of the most powerful scenes in the entire show! Rumple stops being cryptic and communicates to those he loves about what has to happen. It’s a big display and it hits its mark perfectly!

Insights - Stream of Consciousness

-Okay, so weird contradiction in the press release. Pan says he’s not gonna kill everyone, but the press release says he will.

-“The Black Fairy’s wand.” I wonder, did Tinkerbell know they were related? Like, as soon as Rumple talks, Tink knows exactly what he needs.

-”I should pay my respect to Blue, after all.” Tink, honey. You are too pure.

-Dude...those freakin’ unicorns! They’re so cute, but also...OW because of all of the shit that went down with Maleficent!

-”It’s not a weapon...in the traditional sense.” Damn. That line hits hard given Killian’s alcoholism.

-”Is that the best you’ve got?” Killian, you cannot say that with such an adorable smile and not make me love you even harder!

-David! Saving his bro!!! Yasss!

-I love the adorable way Tink just plops the Shadow into the fire! It almost looks like an accident and it’s so cute! XD

-”It was for Emma.” So I’m not sure if I like this line because Killian’s crush on Emma is so freakin’ obvious OR if I’m critical because Tink hasn’t really seen Killian and Emma crushing on each other all that much.

-”I might have been overly strict.” UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE MILLENIUM!

-Okay, Blue is such a bitch, but I like how she entrusts Fiona’s wand to the one person who will be super discerning over Rumple’s actions.

-”I haven’t forgotten about all that, by the way.” Dude, if Pan’s curse was never cast, then these guys should’ve gotten group therapy. Archie would’ve been rich af!

-”Unfinished family business.” *Underworld flashbacks ensue*

-*Henry puts away a family tree worksheet* ...You’re gonna need a bigger worksheet, Henry. XD

-I have a LOT of Regal Believer headcanons concerning how Henry became so unhappy prior to Season 1.

-”And what exactly do you think fairytales are?” THIS and the words that follow serve as what Jefferson’s speech to Emma in “Hat Trick should’ve been. A bit desperate, but actually communicating humanity rather than being an asshole-y smart aleck that has more in common with Sherlock than a father.

-”I’ve got his scent.” Good move using Granny for tracking!

-”That’s why is so easy for you to strut around and pose now, isn’t it?” Bitch, please. Rumple was strutting around and posing long before you had that cuff on! It’s his thing!

-”Pulling away my name.” BITCH! You gave him that shitty ass name!

-Rumple! Cut off your hand! Then you and Killian can be besties!

-What the fuck was up with that weird coma Regina had?

-Aww. Killian’s standing by himself. :(

-”The only way for you to die is if we BOTH die!” Why?

-”Do we need to start preparing our souls, ‘cause mine’s gonna take some time?” I’m stuck between raising an eyebrow at Killian’s quip when Rumple just fucking died and laughing out loud because it’s a really funny quip. XD

-I love that Neal/Henry hug!

-The memories line didn’t make any sense. Everyone remembered what happened to Pan on the Enchanted Forest side and Emma and Henry had their memories altered. So what was the point of this section?

-And the last goodbye is from Snow! Awww!!!

-Tbh, that opening shot of New York City is the least appealing shot of the city that I’ve ever seen.

-Damn, Emma. You get to wake up at 8:15 for work. I envy that.

-And the modern music has returned! And it cuts out right as Killian appears!

-Emma’s got such cute PJ’s!

Arcs - How Are These Storylines Progressing?

The Mission to Save Henry - Our story concludes today! The pacing for this arc was just marvelous. I hate when people disparage the arc as being boring because holy hell, it isn’t! Every bit of this arc grew on itself in some way. Even episodes like “Good Form” and “Ariel,” which weren’t heavy in terms of plot progression were in terms of character growth. This arc was so nicely balanced and well handled, carefully put together like the lace of a wedding veil.

Emma Accepting Her Parents - “I like the unicorns.” Emma just says that line with not a hint of sarcasm, bitterness, or insincerity and it’s just beautiful! The scene that comes from this line is utterly beautiful and shows just how close Emma and Snow have gotten. They think about the same things in regards to their children. They’re able to bond without walls in the way. And then...of course, there’s the goodbye. It’s so heartbreaking that Emma fully accepts her parents, but is forced apart from them. Watching Emma try to cling to that hope of keeping them close is so brutal and sad.

Rumple’s Redemption - There is so much to say and so much to discuss -- a lot of it i already have -- but as of right now, I think that this was the strongest writing put forth for Rumple’s redemption arc. The buildup of not only seasons 1 and 2, but also an arc that was so largely Rumple-centric and heavy had this fantastic build of momentum that made the payoff of his sacrifice the powerful moment that it was. And look, I like the Rumple stuff that comes after...to varying degrees, but I wanted this rewatch to allow for more emotional honesty from myself and yeah...this was the pinnacle. Should he have remained dead? I’d probably say yes for the character and no for the series. Rumple was brought back for a reason and that’s because his character is ingrained on the series. He (Among others) make Once Upon a Time what it is and I don’t fault anyone for bringing him back and even writing his decline. I wish they were just a little more careful with it because of the strength of this moment.

Killian’s Redemption - “There’s only two things I’d risk my life for: love and revenge.” Killian’s redemption didn’t get a ton of focus here, but I do appreciate what it got. While I found it a little weird that Tink connected Killian’s brave act solely to Emma when she hasn’t seen them flirt all that much, I was willing to forgive it because the action was really cool.

Henry Wanting to Be a Hero - ”Your happy ending may not be what you expect.” This line is so important as it pertains to Henry. Knowing where his story ends and what he hoped to make of it, I feel like it was so nicely put as to give this storyline a bit of prominence, especially since his happy ending at the end of this episode arguably changes the most out of anyone else’s due to the memory change.

Regina’s Redemption - “Will you be okay?” “You will be.” Literally everything Regina does is so redemptive here! Her apology to Henry is the first big thing. She stops his doubts about whether or not he really did the right thing by telling him straight up that this was her fault and that is so important to her redemption. “You’re not a villain. You’re my mom.” This line also freakin’ gutted me. Regina’s progress this season from a thin-iced redeeming villain to someone with a role to play on the team and someone who can strongly bond with everyone was fantastic.

Favorite Dynamic

Rumple and Pan. Pan is a reflection of Rumple and one line tipped me off to this. ”Pwotect your wuved ones.” In season 1, very similar lines came out of Rumple’s mouth. Pan is a Rumple without love and this episode really highlights why. Look at Pan’s verbal takedown of him at the shop. Rumple is a harsh character. He’s beaten people up, extorted, murdered, and kidnapped. But no moment from him has been shot so brutally as Pan’s takedown of him. He cuts Rumple down to the bone with his words -- words so harsh and that fly into the face of the “best chance” sentiment even before Cora did! Like, that scene would be enough to justify these two as having the best dynamic, but then we get to the town line scene where the idea that Pan is a Rumple without love is further shown. Pan, like Cora, didn’t expect for Rumple to pose a challenge to him while backed by love, but he does. He stands up and moves past his desires for his life and loopholes in order to save Neal and Belle. And Pan, even to his death, doesn’t get it.

Writer

A&E close out our half season and fuck me, it’s perfect. The name of the game in this episode is payoff. It’s character payoff. It’s story payoff. It’s emotional payoff. And it’s all handled flawlessly. For a while, I wasn’t sure whether or not I liked the past segments, but as “look how far we’ve come glimpses” and by extension, part of the payoff, they work fantastically.

Culture

There’s a lot to reflect on when it comes to the cultural impact of this episode. Two big points come to mind for me: How this episode could conceivably be a series finale in a lot of way and Pan. I have a great deal to say on why I think Pan was such an amazing villain, so I’m actually going to make that its own post, so I’ll touch on my former point here.

This episode is considered by many to have been able to stand as a series finale, and to tell you the truth, I can see it. Everyone’s arcs are completed in completely satisfying ways. The destruction of Storybrooke is brutal but in the most jaw-dropping and beautiful way. Save for the literal last minute of the episode, one could have seen this as an ending to the show proper.

Now, what does that mean for me? Well, the last time around, I wasn’t paying as close attention to that aspect of my feelings, but this time, I felt it more. In fact, I felt it a LOT. And for as much as I love Seasons 3B-7, I feel weird jumping off of this episode onto the next. Maybe it’s the knowledge that there is admittedly a bit more of a decline in quality going forward (Albeit to varying degrees) or maybe I just like how a lot of the characters’ stories ended here, but I feel so weird knowing that there’s more. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to hit up the Zelena arc, the Frozen Arc, and more, but this episode was so good and so...final. Like Pan, I don’t want to grow up.

Rating

Golden Apple. That wasn’t an episode. That was a masterpiece. This is honestly probably OUAT’s best work. I felt my soul go on a journey while watching it and it now ranks as one of my all-time favorites. Moments like “Coming Home” are what rewatches are for. I’ve never fallen out of love with the series, but seeing it is like renewing my vows. It’s emotional in all the best ways, it’s sincere in all the best ways, the character work is fulfilling, and the story leaves most with something to do. I’m so glad I watched it again.

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Snowing - No one rocks platitudes like David does! His speech to Snow about unexpected turns is just beautiful, romantic, and just lovely!

Tink/Killian - There is some crazy sexual tension between these two! The way they whisper their words and practically dance around the jungle with Tink’s knife at Killian’s throat and then sip the rum together.

Swan Queen - Emma/Regina/Henry hugs never cease to make me smile! They’re so cute! Also, literally the first thing Regina says after waking from her weird coma was “Emma.” And dudes, Regina’s decision to give them new memories...that’s...that’s fucking beautiful. HOW WAS THERE NOT A HUG FOLLOWING THAT, AT THE VERY LEAST?

Rumbelle - Am I allowed to just put the entire middle of the episode here? Belle made him stronger and Rumple’s goodbye and gratitude for that is one of his most earnest and kindest moments in the entire series. It’s so genuine and beautiful. And Belle’s reaction as Rumple dies is heartbreaking. I know its a point of contention that no one goes to comfort her, but I think that it works just as a display of isolation and how gutted she feels from Rumple’s loss. Rumple was her future (Or at least a part of it) and now that future is no more. That hopelessness was more effective by being untouched. Anyway, Emiliee pulls off that crying scene flawlessly!

Captain Swan - “Good.” In that one little word, there’s that longing for a possible future that, as far as they know, they’ll never be able to explore. Also, I love in this sea of tears and sadness, Killian’s able to lighten her spirits, this time in a more tactful way than the “prepare our souls” moment from earlier.

Swan Fire - Neal’s goodbye to Emma and faith that they’ll meet again was just so nice and beautiful!

-----

Sorry. I tried to get in four reviews this week, but “Coming Home” had so much meat to it that I just couldn’t. Hell, I still don’t think I covered everything that I wanted to, but at least I still have the Pan post which should come out tomorrow. Going forward, I will try for the four reviews at some point, but in all likelihood, what’s going to happen is that I’ll just post three reviews on the week of the finale or the week before.

In any event, thank you for reading and to the fine folks at @watchingfairytales. Love you all!!!

Season 3 Total (106/220)

Writer’s Scores: Adam and Eddy (29/60) Kalinda Vazquez (17/40) Andrew Chambliss (27/50) Jane Espenson (10/30) David Goodman (20/40) Robert Hull (20/40) Christine Boylan (20/20)* Daniel Thomsen (20/30)

* Indicates that their work for the season is complete

Operation Rewatch Archives

[jamiebluewind]

My Sides

Note: I decided to make depression a disorder that impacts me and my sides to varying degrees depending on a variety of factors.

Apathy/Rue: Over sleep, disasociation (which can be handy during a crisis), laziness, relaxing, calming down, zoning out, and meh days. Favorite hobby is doing nothing. Doesn't care what pronouns you use for them. Depression causes them to be heightened to the point of causing emotional numbness and loss of all motivation.

Appearance: Perpetual bedhead. Short brown hair with two pale baby blue hair streaks due to fading. Wears an oversized baggy mens cotton tee with a few tiny holes in it and a chest pocket (for candy). They only wear pants when they have to. Otherwise, it's tiny cotton shorts that barely cover them. Owns one pair of flip flops (that they never wear). Fuck bras and shaving.

*

Restlessness/Max: Over obsessions, compulsions, anxiety, worry, fight/flight/friend/freeze, cognative distortions, and intrusive thoughts. Just a ball of nervousness and overthinking. Loves to research, fixate on topics, theorize, plan for "what if?" scenarios, and overshare about their latest thing. Bad with directions. Has a thing about symmetry. Constantly fidgeting or pacing. Does not do chill. The most likely to cause people to say "that's fucked up" when talking about something they thought of. Most likely to have a friend or freeze response in a dangerous situation. Will bolt when in danger if you trigger their flight response, even if where they end up puts them in more danger. Will act like a rabid animal and attack if you somehow trigger their fight response. They can make Logic harder to hear, but whatever gets through can help them balance out. Apathy can block their fight/flight/friend/freeze response. Depression causes their intrusive thoughts to become much darker.

Appearance: Somewhat messy short brown hair from constantly running their fingers through it. Glasses are a bright color (blue or purple?) so they are harder to misplacd and are either on their face or sitting on top of their head. Eyebags. Long soft scarf around their neck which provides comfort and something to mess with. Long sleeve shirt that's a solid muted or soft color as to not draw attention. A cami underneath just in case. Darker bluejeans (because they hide stains, are durable, and what if period!) with a small flashlight hooked on one of the loops. A hoodie tied around their waist. White sneakers. A wristlet purse with a few emergency items. A hidden necklace with emergency information.

*

Emotion/River: Over feelings, nostalgia, empathy, love, comforting others, gender identity, and sexuality. Aggressively cares about their friends. Would move heaven and earth to help others. Is a bit of a hoarder. Gender fluctuates between demigirl, bigender, and female. Loves art and fiction. Is both childish and profound. Loves moodrings. Depression either mutes all their emotions but sadness (and sometimes anger) or leaves her comatose.

Appearance: Short brown hair is soft and a little fluffy with two bright blue streaks at the front. Bright clothes with lots of colors. Jewelery that suits their mood. Has 2 colorful pronoun bracelets. Always wears at least one mood ring. Beautiful colorful tattoos without a unified theme (although many are cute or look like they came from a cartoon or comic). Several ear piercings and one sparkly nostril. Wears eyeliner and lip tint when she feels like dressing fem and occasionally uses eyeshadow. Clothes are usually androgynous. T-shirt has writing on it that made her smile. Shirt has a crew cut on "they days" and a v-neck on "she days". Reflective rainbow colored novelty purse. Sandals. Owns one floofy long skirt. The rest of their bottoms are shorts, capris, or pants. They usually wear capris.

*

Logic/Jo: Over intelligence, knowledge, curiosity, theorizing, the logical side of beliefs, and objectivity. Loves learning and reading non-fiction, but is fond of certain fictional works. Schedules, pay the bills, and self care. Open minded. Loves to research and has a massive library of knowledge, but due to the multi-dimensional nature of their room, information sometimes ends up stored in the wrong place. Fascinated by religions on an intellectual, historical, and cultural standpoint and uses what she learns to be mindful and respectful. Can counteract cognative distortions, but can also cause or amplify fixations on her quest for knowledge. Stubborn. Depression causes them to have difficulty functioning and sometimes become distorted until they find reasons to do dangerous or harmful things.

Appearance: Short brown hair is always professional. Simple glasses have dark blue, almost black frames. No piercings or tattoos. Cotton polo and slacks. Only jewelery is an elegant stirling necklace with a long chain and a large simple diamond shaped charm (one side says "She" while the other says "They"). Comfortable professional black loafers.

*

Creativity/Journey: Over inspiration, creativity, brainstorming, certain types of problem solving, ingenuity, out of the box thinking, writing, singing, photography, other creations, worldbuilding, jokes, puns, acting, and certain types of lying to others. Frequently goes on tangents. Run on sentences. Can be a little too energetic and random. Once inspired, they can't stop thinking about something until it's done or they run out of inspiration or drive. Has a wall of books for cataloguing ideas and unfinished projects (often taking from several old ones to build a new one), but the order has no rhythm or reason (even to them). Can be heightened or hindered by Restlessness. Apathy can help Creativity with daydreams and less fear, but make it difficult for them to take action. Depression makes them barely function, save acting and negative ideas.

Appearance: Dark purple hair with several bright blue hair steaks. Ear piercings and one sparkly dermal near their left eye. Purple eyeliner. Modified a pair of comfy overall shorts (aka shortalls) to be backless with a halter top fit (instead of the traditional tank top fit) so they would have lots of pockets to store stuff while having the most skin exposed to show off their extensive tattoos. Tends to wear a strapless binder or halter top underneath to avoid boob slips. Runs around in socks indoors, but has hiking boots for outside. Tattoos are artistic with heavy symbolism as well as quotes.

*

Ambiguity/Duo: Over morally gray areas, lying to others and oneself, telling the truth to others and oneself, spotting both deceit and honesty in others, superstitions, the illogical side of beliefs, seeing the good in the bad and visa versa, sarcasm, and occasional devil's advocate. Not quick to judge. Sees gender as a social construct, but also that some people require it. Sees religion as something that is not necessary for them to be happy, but knows it is important to others and will fight for those rights (as long as it doesn't hurt the individual, others, or society itself). Balances the line of what is and is not socially acceptable. Personal truths. Has a very "you do you" attatude. Probably enjoys yoga and certain fiction, especially ones that subvert expectations and/or tropes. Depression causes them to become skewed. Because of this, some things become amplified (lies to self and others, seeing the bad in good,...), some things become weakened (honesty, seeing the good in bad, spotting honesty,...), and some things become tainted (deceit is spotted when none is there, beliefs become tainted,...).

Appearance: Right half of face is white while the left half is black. A gray part in the middle where one color fades into the other that's about the width of their lips. Hair and clothing follow the same theme with the only color being their blue hazel eyes. Hair is held back with a metallic silver headband. Button up shirt with a sheer back (similar look to this). One glove on the left side. Bottoms are pinstripe palazzo pants or culottes. Ballet slippers. Has an ornimental tattoo on their back and one on each ankle.

----

Other facts...

My sides all have their individual jobs and functions, but they also work together on certain things.

My morality comes from Emotion, Logic, and Ambiguity. They work together despite their frequent disagreements.

Beliefs come from Logic and Ambiguity. Emotion can help by attaching a feeling to each belief.

If my ego is hurt, it effects Creativity, Emotions, and/or Logic depending on which was targeted. The same goes for the opposite (such as when praised).

Having my ego hurt make Restlessness freak out and overthink everything.

Despite Emotion having main control over gender identity (mine being femfluidflux), Logic has some input. Occasionally, Apathy or Ambiguity have a say.

Creativity literally created a new type of clothing for their needs. The halter shortalls currently do not exist to my knowledge.

All the sides have a varying level of fondness for cats. Apathy respects their chill. Restlessness finds them calming as well as a good way to release nervous energy. Emotion's heart just melt from the adorableness and wants all snuggles. Logic appreciates the proven medical benefits of having a pet. Creativity loves making cat toys, taking photos, and playing games with cats. Ambiguity admires their independence and controlled chaos. Their opinions on other animals varies.

None of my sides are entirely good or entirely bad. They also balance each other. (Apathy can help Emotion and Restlessness chill. Emotion can help Apathy when they get heightened. Restlessness can help spur the others into action as well as fixate to help Logic and Creativity. Emotion gives Logic and Creativity encouragement as well as helping make sure writing hits right in the feels. Logic helps the others with facts and helps break through negative thinking and spirals. Creativity helps connect thoughts in new and exciting ways and helps Restlessness find new ways to coop. Ambiguity helps the others make the hard decisions and keeps Logic from becoming too ridged.)

[tao-long]

On the essence of a black belt

I started training in the martial arts 30 years ago.  At 20, I tested for my 1st Kyu, which is the highest ranking belt in Shorin Ryu before black. The test was physically and mentally grueling. It ended with the testing board going into the back room to discuss our (mine and the 2 friends I tested with) performance and 6 cinder blocks emerging each topped with a concrete block 1.5″ thick, 8″ wide, and 16″ long. A belt for each of us was placed neatly under each block. None of us had ever broken concrete before, but we all had experience breaking boards.  We all succeeded.  

We were then faced with one additional challenge.  One by one, our Sensei lit the edges of our certificates on fire and the certificates were laid flat. We were given the instructions to put the fire out by placing our hands on it, not pulling back, and moving our hands around the edges of the certificate to smolder the flames. I remember the experience being extremely intimidating, however, aside from minor singes, we all emerged unscathed.  And most importantly, we were not asked to do anything we were not capable of doing. We were only asked to do things we did not know we could do - a lesson that has stuck with me my entire life.

When I was 23, and about ready to move across the county for a new job, I had about 10 years of training in Shorin Ryu under my belt.  My school and Sensei were extremely traditional and only observed 3 common dans (levels) of black whereas many schools treated the first dan as the first true step in your martial arts journey and observed up to 10 levels of black.  Recognizing that not having a black belt could impair my ability to join other schools and bias folks in their understanding of my expertise, I was awarded my Shodan (first black) just before leaving for my new job.  I found that, despite recognizing how I got to that point and my Sensei’s best intentions, the experience lacked a certain amount of closure and decorum and left me with a feeling of being “unfinished”.  

Over the next 20 years, I accumulated rank in a number of different styles.  I worked my way up to green in Shotokan, 3rd brown in Chinese Kenpo, 1st brown in American Kenpo, and 1st brown in Okinawan Kempo. In each instance, I moved or life interrupted in some way such that I never “finished”.  

Over this most recent summer, I had hit bottom in struggling with a persistent and deep depression that took hold after my son was born. Ultimately, it stemmed from a combination of sleep deprivation from doing all of the night feedings, our son's medical issues, and an extremely stressful work environment. I could not sleep. I was treated with the wrong medications, worsening my symptoms, multiple times. I knew my dark mood was affecting the entire family, despite my best efforts to hide and/or manage it. And I never wanted to be a burden to anyone.

Over the course of my depression, suicidal ideation set in.  At first, it was just thoughts. Then I added a timeline. I did not want to leave my family in a bad place, so I told myself I would hold on until some perceived milestone passed. Eventually, the pain became more than I could bear and I started looking at shorter and shorter horizons. I eventually learned that after 2 years, my company’s life insurance policy would pay out 200k regardless of the cause of death. In my mind, that money would have served my family better than having to cope with me in my darkness.  

With complex childhood trauma, certain issues become common. As a young man, I was asked how I would feel about a bi-polar diagnoses. At the time, I said ‘no-way’. My symptoms were incredibly mild and more often than not, I presented as an extremely productive person. I was always reliable and I often fell back on the discipline I learned in the martial arts to manage my ups and downs in life.  When I first sat down with my psych nurse to discuss options for my depression, I informed him of that initial diagnoses discussion and that the diagnoses was never written down. In his defense, I was wishy-washy on the whole thing. However, I was prescribed a number of drugs that were contraindicated for people with bi-polar depression.  I found my depression worsening. I had begun acting out in ways that I had never before over the course of my 40 years (staying out all night, getting drunk and not picking up the children, and a number of slightly less horrible things). Each time I acted out I hated myself more and each time was a betrayal of my wife and family in some way. I also did not understand why it was happening. Brain chemistry is a bitch.  

Eventually, after doing something particularly stupid and really hurting my wife, I reached a place where I was done. I made some preparations, and had resolved to kill myself during the night after my family had gone to sleep. I truly believed, in the moment, that my family would have done better without me. In my mind, my wife had just finished a degree, my boys were young enough that my passing would eventually be forgotten, and that my wife would have the money she needed to rebuild her life. As fate would have it, I married an incredible, resilient woman.  She noticed that something was less right than usual and she forced me into a conversation.  Over the course of a gut-wrenching discussion (for both of us), I told her everything.

My wife immediately jumped into action. We made a safety pact. She got me in touch with a number of friends who could help support me. She scheduled an immediate discussions with my psychologist, family doctor, and psych nurse and she attended all of them. She had me file for short term disability to take some time to recover. And she sent me back to kickboxing, which I had taken a break from some months back.

After conversing with my doctors, it quickly became apparent that I was on the wrong medications and was advised to immediately stop them. We came up with a plan to ensure I got enough sleep and I was prescribed something that would actually help. Within a few weeks I was feeling better.  Within months, I was well into a desperately needed recovery. The hardest thing to work through was the repercussions of the actions that I took while sick. I felt like I was dealing with the fallout from someone else’s bad behavior - but it was me, however poorly medicated and severely depressed.

During my recovery, I reached out to my first teacher who put me in touch with someone who ran a global federation. My new teacher was willing to work with me remotely, would coach me through reviewing all of my kata, and would eventually test me for my black belt, this time with intention and as part of a global federation that could support my continued growth and my own dream of teaching. I had found new purpose. I had found a healthy activity and outlet for my energy and daily frustrations. My new routine was kickboxing three times a week for cardio and timing and kata practice 5 times a week to hone my techniques, mind, and spirit.  Kata is very much an exercise in mindfulness and a form of walking mediation.  

A few days ago, I tested for my black belt in Shorin Ryu and passed.  I don’t feel any different than I did last week, but I do feel much different than I felt a year ago. Over the prior 10 years, I had faced all of my biggest life fears and emerged stronger.  I was pushed out of a job (for all the wrong reasons) twice, had gone through a divorce, re-married, became a step-dad, became a biological parent, started new jobs, was abandoned by my parents and sister, fought through a chronic illness that I thought might be fatal, and fought off a bout of severe depression that was very nearly fatal. Along the way, I made a ton of mistakes that I handled with varying amounts of grace and poise (often very little of each). I lost friends and gained others. I lost trust of those closest to me and fought to gain it back. And I worked on healing and rediscovered my path and values, ultimately allowing me to move forward in life stronger than I was before.

I ran across a quote that really resonated with me during this time:

Everything I feared already happened to me, so I fear nothing.

Bushido, the warrior code, rests on 8 virtues (Wikipedia):

Righteousness (義 gi)

Be acutely honest throughout your dealings with all people. Believe in justice, not from other people, but from yourself. To the true warrior, all points of view are deeply considered regarding honesty, justice and integrity. Warriors make a full commitment to their decisions.

Heroic Courage (勇 yū)

Hiding like a turtle in a shell is not living at all. A true warrior must have heroic courage. It is absolutely risky. It is living life completely, fully and wonderfully. Heroic courage is not blind. It is intelligent and strong.

Benevolence, Compassion (仁 jin)

Through intense training and hard work the true warrior becomes quick and strong. They are not as most people. They develop a power that must be used for good. They have compassion. They help their fellow men at every opportunity. If an opportunity does not arise, they go out of their way to find one.

Respect (礼 rei)

True warriors have no reason to be cruel. They do not need to prove their strength. Warriors are not only respected for their strength in battle, but also by their dealings with others. The true strength of a warrior becomes apparent during difficult times.

Honesty (誠 makoto)

When warriors say that they will perform an action, it is as good as done. Nothing will stop them from completing what they say they will do. They do not have to 'give their word'. They do not have to 'promise'. Speaking and doing are the same action.

Honour (名誉 meiyo)

Warriors have only one judge of honor and character, and this is themselves. Decisions they make and how these decisions are carried out are a reflection of who they truly are. You cannot hide from yourself.

Duty and Loyalty (忠義 chūgi)

Warriors are responsible for everything that they have done and everything that they have said and all of the consequences that follow. They are immensely loyal to all of those in their care. To everyone that they are responsible for, they remain fiercely true.

Self-Control (自制 jisei)

In a way, it’s fitting that I tested for and earned my black belt now, in the way that I have. As a young man, I was physically ready and possessed the skills and knowledge necessary to pass a test in the dojo. I had been tested in combat and I survived a childhood filled with emotional and physical abuse. However, I had not been tested in life. Fighting someone one on one, however physically intimidating, is very different than having someone essentially threaten your livelihood and the well-being of your family over something as inane as office politics. Breaking a concrete block is different than holding your infant as they are coming out of general anesthesia or seeing the insides of your wife while she is getting sewn up from a c-section during the birth of your child. Putting a fire out with your hand is different than staring death in the face during extremely trying circumstances and making a different choice. 

There are very few things that still scare me - my wife or children falling seriously ill or being injured are chief among them. However, with a lifetime of tests behind me and the knowledge that there will be more to come, I’ll use this milestone to set my intentions for the next 30 years:

To provide a good life for my wife and boys

To be the best husband and partner that I can be

To be a good and patient parent

To keep sight of and on my path as a martial artist

To found my own dojo to serve those who are disadvantaged and who need to learn the lessons that carried me through life

To leave the world a little better than I found it