#they are all named in the alt text! i am going to eat but i’ll add links later

[crabbng]

and, of course, a webcomic fanart version 💕

[hswriting]

The Moment I Knew - Part 8

[Image Alt ID: a four picture collage with a dark gray background. The first picture is of a pond surrounded by trees. A white bench sits in front of the water. The second picture is of a white wall with a black sign that says “backstage”. The third picture is of Harry Styles playing a guitar. The fourth picture is of a girl writing in a journal. End Alt ID]

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Masterlist Series Part 7 Part 9

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3.8k words

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Millie and Harry work on making amends

I walk into the coffee shop which is fairly empty. I must have just missed the morning rush. I walk up to the counter and place my order. One coffee and a ham and cheese croissant. I doubt I’ll eat more than half, but it’s better than nothing.

It doesn’t take long to get my order called out. I pick a table in the corner by the bookshelves and reading area. I begin to eat my sandwich while watching the door. It doesn’t take a long time watching to spot Harry walking in. He is well dressed as always, but his face shows nothing but worry and anxiety. You can see the rings under his eyes from a lack of sleep.

He walks up to the counter and places his order. As he waits for it, he looks around the room until he spots me. He gives me a sad look. He tries to smile but it doesn’t really suit him. It’s not his real smile, and that breaks my heart.

His name is called and he quickly grabs his order and walks over to me. Just a coffee. He places it on the table and sits down.

“Morning Har.” I tell him before I take a sip.

“Morning Millie.” He says in return. “How are you?”

“I could be better. You?”

“I haven’t slept much the past few nights, which makes for long days.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just needed some space to think.”

“I know. Did you get to think about what you needed to?” He asks nervously.

“Yeah I did.”

“And?” He asks me.

“The past few days I have done nothing but miss you. I wanted to talk to you, I was just so angry and upset. I feel awful about what happened, but I feel like I’m justified to be angry about it. It was awful that you lied to me.”

“I know and I’m so sorry.” He says, resting his hand on the table. “If you want me to, I can sit and tell you about it so you know what exactly happened. Or if you never want to talk about it again that’s fine with me too. Just know I’m really sorry I lied Millie. I never wanted to hurt you. I was just afraid of you being upset if I told you. But it was worse that I didn’t tell you, and I see that now. I’m sorry.”

“I accept your apology. I do want to know what happened. I didn’t really give you a chance to talk the other night.”

“Where should I start?” He asks me.

“From when she came into your work probably.”

“Well,” he began. “She came in like I said. She wanted to adopt a cat. She did end up taking one home that night. But as she was signing the adoption papers, she said she really wanted to apologize to me about how things ended. I said I didn’t really want to hear anything about it, but she insisted. She wanted to explain her side of things, and I caved. I shouldn’t have went with her after my shift, but I did. We went to dinner and she did apologize. She said she felt horrible about it all. I accepted her apology. Then she got to talking about her life and her boyfriend and things. I told her about you. She said she was happy for me. We just talked about what’s been going on recently. I told her about your concussion, me getting into a bigger venue to perform, and a bunch of other stuff I have done. And then she paid the bill and we both went to our houses. Yes she has been texting me, but I didn’t answer her. I got my closure. I was hoping she got hers. I don’t have any interest in talking to her anymore. That’s why I just left her on read. I really didn’t think she was going to call me. So I’m sorry. I will say it forever if I have to Millie. I truly am so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, especially the way Kellen did.”

I take a moment before I respond to gather myself. Harry drinks his coffee as he waits for me to say something.

“You don’t have to say I’m sorry forever. I actually don’t want you to apologize again. I don’t want you to be afraid of telling me something. Would I have been happy? Probably not. But I would have known. I would have gotten over it. I’m hurt you didn’t trust me. I want to be trusted. I want to be told the truth. What did I do for you not to trust me anymore?”

“Nothing. I just knew how you felt about her because of what she’s done. She cheated on me. She had me burn my journal. She made me feel awful. I just felt like if you knew I was talking to her, you would be upset with me.”

“I really don’t like her Har. I need to be able to trust you. And if she’s the reason you chose to lie to me I don’t want you around her anymore. I’m not trying to control you or who you talk to, but if you really want this to work, if you want this relationship to have trust, she needs to go.”

“She’s gone Millie. I’m not entertaining her wants any longer.”

“Okay.” I say.

“Okay?”

“Let’s try this again.” I tell him. “I love you Har.”

“I love you too. So much.” He tells me. He gets up and I follow. We hug right there in the coffee shop. Harry is the last to let go. I throw away my empty coffee and the last of my sandwich I didn’t eat. We walk out to the parking lot. He is parked beside of me.

“What are your plans for the day?” He asks me.

“I don’t really have any. All I did the past few days is work. I’d like to relax.

“Can I show you something? I have a bit of a secret spot I’d like to show you.”

“Okay. Let me take my car home and we can go.”

“Okay.” He says. He gives me a small kiss on my cheek and gets into his car. I park my car and climb into his.

It’s not a long drive, but it’s a good distance away from my house. The radio has been playing lightly and not much has been said. There’s this awkward silence we never had before. There’s a bit of space now. A distance.

The car begins to slow as we enter an old parking lot. No buildings or anything that the lot would belong to. Harry gets out and opens my door and lets me out.

“You alright with a bit of a walk?” He asks and I nod. He takes my hand and we begin down a dirt trail into the woods.

After a short hike I see Harry’s spot. It’s a small pond with some benches around it, probably for fishing. It’s so beautiful here. The way the sunlight breaks through the trees and reflects in the water is beautiful.

“What is this place Har?” I ask him in awe.

“I used to come here a lot back in high school when things were rough. Since leaving high school I’ve been here a few times, but not as often. Ive been here the past few days. Just me and my journal. This is my space. My home away from home. This is where I wrote my first song. This is where I come to think. To calm myself.” He says to me and my heart feels a slight squeeze.

“This place is beautiful Har.” Is all I am able to say.

“It is. I wanted to be fully open with you. I want you to know about this place. It’s been my comfort for so long. I want you to be apart of it now.” He tells me so honestly. I stand and look around. I look at the water, small ripples from the fish swimming so close to the surface. “What do you think?” He asks. I bring my attention back to him.

“Of course. This is where you wrote your first song?” I ask, recalling his statement earlier. “I wrote a song a few days ago. I think you should read it over. Record it.”

“Yeah I’d love to. I also wanted to show you something else. Do you want to sit down?” He asks and I nod. We sit on a bench by the water. I opens his bag and pulls out the journal I bought for him.

“I want you to read this. As much or as little as you want to. It’s mostly about you. It’s got my songs in it too. You kind of know.”

“Harry I don’t have to read this. This is personal. I don’t want you to feel like you have to let me read it.”

“If you don’t want to, that’s fine. But I love you so much Millie. I want you to read it. I want you to know me, fully. I want you to know every detail. I trust you so fully that I want you to read it.”

“Harry this is yours. I don’t want you to give it to me because of what happened. We are -“

“This isn’t about what you said about me being able to trust you. I wanted to show you before, but then everything happened, and I was so scared I was going to lose you. I was scared you would never get to know all the things I haven’t said. I want you to know them. I want you to see the songs about you that I haven’t recorded yet. I want you to know how much I fucking love you Millie. I love you so much. I don’t want to know what my life would look like without you.” He says and tears prick my eyes.

I gently take the journal from his hands and open the cover. It has his name scribbled on the inside. I flip the page to see the first entry.

This is the best gift I have ever received. In part to the fact that I love to write, but also because the most amazing girl in the world has gifted it to me. This is probably going to be mostly about her, but hopefully one day I’ll get to call her mine, and she will read it and know how much she is loved. Here we go.

I flip to the next page and it has a song written on it. It’s called 18 . I read through. Tears fall down my cheeks as I flip through the pages to read it all. The journal is almost full. There are long passages about the time I agreed to date him, as well as some of the dates we have went on. One passage reads,

Today was a very scary day. Kellen was at her house when I pulled up. I ended up getting punched in the face, but that wasn’t the worst part. Millie was there and saw it all happen. She slipped on the ice and cracked her head open. Ended up needing stitches. She has a concussion. I hate to see her in pain, but I’m glad she trusts me enough to help her out. She vaguely remembers Kellen saying something about me liking her. I want her to know, but I’m so scared to tell her. It’s so soon after they broke up. I don’t want her to feel like I’m taking advantage of her and her situation, but at the same time it wouldn’t have been so bad if he told her because it’s been years that I’ve been trying to work up the courage. What am I talking about. I want her to hear it from me. I want to be able to use my own words to tell her. She asked me about my song that I posted. She asked who it was about. I didn’t tell her, but she has to know. There is no way she doesn’t. She also mentioned today she doesn’t have any family. I feel so bad for her because I love my mom and Gem. She says she will choose her own family. I hope one day I can be apart of that family. I know she’s been through so much. I’m surprised I didn’t know this a long time ago since we have been around each other forever, but I’m glad I get to know her. I love her. I want to know everything she is willing to tell me. I want to be part of her family.

Another passage reads,

… the fact that today went so well tells me all I need to know about her. Layla loves her. My mom adores how caring she is not only to me, but when Layla fell and hurt her knee, She didn’t hesitate to help her, hold her, and comfort her. Gem absolutely cannot get enough of her and has even text me to know when we can all have dinner again. She also text to tell me that Layla can’t stop talking about Queen Millie. She is absolutely the best thing in my life.

The next page has quotes written on it.

My heart is so full of you I can hardly call it my own.

Meeting you was like listening to a song for the first time and knowing it was going to be my favorite.

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.

The rest of the page continues with similar quotes. There are a few passages about other things such as his family, but nearly every page is about me.

The last page that is written on has a song on it. It doesn’t have a title written at the top, but I read the words.

If I could fly, I’d be coming right back home to you. I think I might give up everything, just ask me to. Pay attention. I hope that you listen, cause I’ve let my guard down. Right now I’m completely defenseless. For your eyes only, I show you my heart. For when you’re lonely and forget who you are. I’m missing half of me when we’re apart. Now you know me, for your eyes only.

I don’t know how long I have sat here reading or what Harry has been doing since I began. I look up and him and his is facing the pond, jeans rolled up and feet in the water. He looks so peaceful. So calm. I can hear him humming a song, one I don’t recognize.

I am unsure of what to say to him after such a raw and emotional moment. I know how he really feels about me.

“Har?” I say. He stops humming and turns around. I wipe the tears from my face and stand up. I walk over to him as he stands up. I wrap my arms around him. “I love you. I know just saying that is no where near as eloquent and romantic as the stuff you wrote, but I really do love you.”

“I love you too Millie.” He says, squeezing me like he never wants to let go. I don’t want him to. We do eventually let go after what seems like forever. I give him back his journal and we start the hike to the car. Once we get in the car, his hand finds its resting place on my knee and we drive back. We go to my house so I can grab a few things and then go to his place.

When we get to his house we sit down in his living room. He brings out his guitar. He goes back to his room and grabs a keyboard and hooks it up.

“Do you have the song you wrote?”

“I do, but I don’t have sheet music or anything like that. I know how to play some guitar. I could give you bare bones and you work your magic. After all this song is for you. I don’t really have the dream to perform, but I love helping you write. That’s why I tried to do this one.” I tell him.

“Well, no matter what, you will always have credit for every song you write or help write.”

“Thank you.” I tell him. He hands me the guitar and I get a feel for it. I open my journal to the page. “I just want to let you know it’s a bit sad. I wrote it over the past few days. You don’t have to keep it like this. You can change it or if you don’t like it you don’t have to use it at all.” I ramble. I’m nervous. Harry has wanted to do a duet for a while now, but he has never heard me sing before. So this will be the first time he hears my voice before we record any songs together.

“I’m sure it’s great. I’m sure you’ll be amazing. Go ahead whenever you’re ready.” He tells me sweetly. I place my hands on the guitar.

We made a fire, went down in the flames. We sailed an ocean, and drowned in the wave. Built a cathedral, but we never prayed. We had it all, yeah, and we walked away. Point of no returning, now it’s just to late to turn around. I try to forgive you but I struggle 'cause I don't know how. We built it up so high and now I'm falling, it's a long way down. It's a long way down from here. We had a mountain, but took it for granted. We had a spaceship, but we couldn't land it. We found an island but we got stranded. We had it all, yeah. Who could've planned it? Point of no returning now it's just too late to turn around. I try to forgive you but I'm struggling 'cause I don't know how. We built it up so high and now I'm falling, It's a long way down from here. Such a long way down from here. It's a long way down. It's a long way down. Such a long way down. It's a long way down. It's a long way down.

Harry look at me with amazement. There is a moment of silence before he takes the guitar from me and sits beside me. I notice the bracelet I bought him a while back hang on his wrist.

“I think that was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. You have such an amazing voice. I have no doubt that you could be a professional. Are you one in disguise?” He says, the last sentence jokingly. I laugh.

“No obviously. It wasn’t that good.”

“I want you to sing this with me. I want you to record with me and be a part of this. I want my fans to know your voice. It’s beautiful Millie. Absolutely stunning.” He tells me confidently. “I am going to work up the guitar parts and maybe add a beat to it, but this is absolutely amazing Millie.”

Harry and I play it again, and again, and again. He changes some of the guitar to better fit the song. He does eventually add a beat to it. And then he does a take without any changes. He sings it solo and it’s like angels in my ears. He suits this song.

“Please let me split this up and have you record it with me.” He begs.

“Harry I- I don’t know that I want my voice out there. I will sing it with you, but I don’t want to perform. I’ll gladly write your songs, just don’t put my voice out there. At least not yet.” I tell him. He seems disappointed, but agrees.

“Can I record a version of us singing it together as long as I don’t publish it?”

“Yeah that’s okay.” I tell him. He divides the lines up into parts. He pulls out his phone and presses record. We sing it, alternating lines and doing the chorus together.

He stops the recording and just looks at me for a moment.

“What?” I ask him.

“I love this song, I’m just really sorry I made you feel this way.” He tells me with a sorrow filled voice. The excitement from before is lost.

“Harry-“

“I know you said not to apologize again. This will be my last time. But I really am sorry.”

“Don’t be Har. It’s okay.”

“I hurt you. I lied to you. I betrayed your trust. I have to work to earn that again. But thank you for giving me another chance Millie.” He says. I place a kiss on his cheek. “Would you be mad at me if I bought you something?”

“Harry Styles.” I say half jokingly. “You and your gifts.”

“It’s how I show my love. Other than writing songs I guess.” He tells me. He places the guitar down and walks to his bedroom. He comes out with an envelope. He hands it over to me. I open it and slide the paper out. I unfold it and a lanyard falls on my lap. I pick it up.

Backstage Staff Pass

I read the letter attached.

Millie,

A while back I said I would have you a front row pass to my show at the new venue, but I have been caught up in the paperwork and scheduling for the place. Since then, I have contacted them and not only will you be able to sit directly in front of the stage, but you are now considered my personal staff since you are my songwriter. You can access anywhere in the building you need to go, including my backstage room. I hope you enjoy coming to my shows as much as I enjoy writing songs for you. I love you.

“Thank you Harry.” I tell him and he gives me a sweet smile.

“I won’t boss you around even though you are on my staff now.” He jokes. I chuckle at him.

We continue to play music for the next few hours until dinner. He ends up recording a song after dinner and posting it. Despite everything that has happened this week, I’m glad we were able to work everything out. He looks so genuinely happy making music and getting ready for his performance tomorrow. But sometimes his eyes light up when he isn’t even doing those things. He will just be looking at me while I’m doing something like checking my phone or cooking dinner. I always ask him what his deal is. And he just says he loves looking at me. I always say I’m not even doing anything special. He says he loves looking at me anyways.

I think Harry and I will be okay.

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Masterlist Series Part 7 Part 9

[tsukimon02]

Late night vent because it’s 2 AM and I can’t sleep because I just woke up at random. Just a lot on my mind lately and it’s about regarding something that’s been bothering me a LOT since it involves the G*nshin OC X Canon community (sorry for the weird censoring, I really don’t want this to be public and I’ll explain why underneath) and I am genuinely tired of keeping this bottled up.

I don’t know where else to talk about it. It is a lot so I apologize for a heavy wall of text. I…. I have a lot to unpack and it’s been eating at me for months and I’m sick of being silent out of fear.

I will not be saying names even though I blocked them and their spies but just in case they or their spies have secret alts, so I’m not risking posting screenshots either for the same reason since I just need to get this off my chest and like I said, I don’t wanna risk any spies’ alt blogs I do not know about finding this since this involves some people in the G*nshin OC X canon community.

I’ll refer to the ringleader as O. I’ll cut it the chase: I used to genuinely enjoy It//to as a character but I can’t stand and he makes me uncomfortable now because all I can think of is O and their OC and I hate them and their circle of friends with a passion. It saddens me that I hate Itto because of them, but it is what it is :(

I wish I never became friends with any of them when I first joined the community because they are horrible people. I genuinely thought they were all nice people and we used to be friends but shit happened because of O and we kinda drifted apart; but then a few months later O’s friends left me and I began to hate them in return because it became clear to me that they were never truly my friends to begin with so I blocked everyone of them.

A month later after I blocked/cut ties with so-called friends and O, one of O’s lapdogs made a callout post about someone who was in their circle/one of the people I blocked. I will call them S. I admit I initially believed the accusations towards S until I saw a callout account about O surface showing what truly happened that led to the accusations towards S. Turns out S’s words were twisted/taken out of context and everyone involved was none other than O and the same toxic friend group that I used to be friends with/blocked. They mass-bullied him and had the gall to publicly shame him on Twitter and he’s been chased out of the community because of them.

I admit that I do not speak to S anymore for personal reasons since he was part of O’s friend group and I’m keeping my distance, but my heart genuinely broke seeing him being wrongly accused because his words were twisted and he was publicly shamed. What pisses me off even more is that according to the full uncensored screenshots of the O callout account, O approved of the mass bullying and didn’t do anything to stop it.

You thought this crap O and their friends has been pulling ends here? Well a few months later, another OC X canon It//to shipper surfaces and just because their color pallette is similar too. I’ll refer to this person as N. O goes batshit and tries to rally people against them because they are convinced that N’s OC has a similar color pallete and is shipped with It//to that *Gasp* they must have copied their OC!

N IS LITERALLY AN INNOCENT FIFTEEN YEAR OLD FFS, and they clearly stated that their OC was based off a My Little Pony character. It doesn’t help that one of O’s lapdogs, who I’ll call P did publicly accuse N of copying O’s stupid OC. P says that they weren’t accusing them but they are a toxic person and I have witnessed them bullying S, plus they were the one who antagonized S in the uncensored chats in one of the callout posts.

There is a bright side to this mess: The people O messaged hoping to bring them to their side in hopes of chasing N out of the community got together to make N feel welcome, but I think N is considering leaving the community thanks to O’s immaturity. Of course, O plays the victim card and goes “Where’s the proof that I harassed N???? You guys are lying, I did nothing wrong, they copied me 🥺🥺”

I’ve been debating for months to make an anonymous callout post on Instagram or Twitter about said people. But knowing O, they will always be like “I’m sowwy, I made a mistake. I am owning up to them, please forgive me because who else can I talk about how superior my ship with It//to is, S is the bad guy, and N is making up lies, I did nothing wrong 🥺🥺🥺🥺” and everyone will forgive them “because they are so nice and sweet” “how could someone with a cute OC being shipped with Itto be so toxic?” And everyone will just brush it under the rug and act like nothing happened.

It makes me sick but just thinking about the amount of people that will still side and support with O despite the amount of evidence showing how toxic they truly are makes me want to hurl and less likely to make a callout account. Like I said earlier, O will make the same lameass apology where they’ll go “I’m sowwy 🥺” and everyone will instantly forgive them and it’ll get swept under the rug, as usual. 😒

*sigh* Sorry if this was a lot, I’m sick and tired of being silent and I want to call them out so badly for the bullshit they’ve done, but I just know it’ll be pointless for the aforementioned reasons.

[fineosaur]

50 questions

I was tagged by @jeynepoole, thank u <33

what is the colour of your hairbrush? i have 2, a black one which is kinda big and then a small travel-ish one that’s mint green. both gifted to me because i used to not own one and my mum and sister would find it ridiculous.

name a food you never eat? agh i kinda eat everything now... but i try to stay away from shellfish and nuts cause i break out when i eat either

are you typically too warm or too cold? in mauritius ?? in this age of global warming?? always too warm babes

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? i was having my first cup of tea for the day

what's your favourite candy bar? flake cadbury chocolate

have you ever been to a professional sports game? ya but i was like 2 when we visited anfield.

what is the last thing you said out loud? “for fuck’s sake” because my sister ate my breakfast.

what is your favourite ice cream? hmm maybe hazelnut but i love a bubblegum.

what was the last thing you had to drink? water, hydrate, bitch.

do you like your wallet? yeaaa, i got it this year, it���s rly pretty and has a snakeskin pattern that matches my phone case so well. even if im not one for matching stuff

what is the last thing you ate? i havent eaten anything today yet, but i had some chips last night.

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i didn’t i didnt spend any money last weekend thankfully. 

what's the last sporting event you watched? hmm probably i caught a glimpse of a football match when walking by a tv but thats it. i dont watch sport anymore.

what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? salted! always. im a salty bitch to the end of my days.

who is the last person you sent a text message to? my best friend, who keeps trying to get me to take a pic of my supervisor BUT IM SICK FROM WORK TODAY.

ever go camping? no, im too high maintenance for that shit.

do you take vitamins? well ive just started on a magnesium supplement for my fatigue. 

do you regularly attend a place of worship? no lol, even if muslim women pray at home, i do not. 

do you have a tan? no :(( i really want one. summer is on its way here so i expect one soon enough 

do you prefer chinese or pizza? ugh chinese ofc. i only appreciate proper italian pizza, which you rarely find here. man now im just thinking of peking duck.

do you drink your soda through a straw? no i dont drink soda

what colour socks do you usually wear? i have light green, light blue, black and grey ones. that i interchange, these are all the no show ones. then i have regular white ankle socks for my trainers.

do you ever drive above the speed limit? i do not drive

what terrifies you? wow nothing came to mind. nice to know 

look to your left, what do you see? my rug, littered w my messes 

what chore do you hate most? washing dishes! but moping comes a close second because i go to hard and make my arms hurt. 

what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? @thelandofnothing LOL

what's your favourite soda? i dont drink soda!!! 

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru always bitch

what's your favourite number? 4, i decided on it when i was 4 and it stuck. but 15 comes a close second

Who’s the last person you talked to? like aloud? uh my sister when she barged into my room at 7 am.

favourite cut of beef? i dont have one, i just eat meat but i pay no attention to the cooking of it. i will not look at it raw. 

last song you listened to? matilda - alt j. my friend has been telling me to listen to it, apparently it makes him think of me. and i have no idea why.

last book you read? hmm yesterday i began reading my sister’s new book but then my migraine told me to stop.

favourite day of the week? thursdays. they just hit different

can you say the alphabet backwards? most likely not. i need words written down to even spell them out. i work visually, bitch. 

how do you like your coffee? i dont like coffee. if i ever do its w copious amounts of sugar.

favourite pair of shoes? a pair of black oxfords i bought back in 2018. theyre so comfy and they reflect my style a lot 

time you normally get up? 5:50am on weekdays, weekends are a gamble rly. 

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrises usually, but mauritian sunsets hit right too. 

how many blankets on your bed? i have my quilt and then a purple throw blanket.

describe your kitchen plates? white, nothing to them, theyre just white. 

describe your kitchen at the moment? eerie

do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? i’d say beer. it’s my go to, but i’ve been slowly trying out cocktails to find my favourite, i quite like gin as well as red wine. 

do you play cards? with friends ya, it’s usually when drinks are involved though. 

what colour is your car? my mum’s car is grey lol.

can you change a tire? i know the mechanics of it but have never been allowed

your favourite state? i dont ?? have one. i dont even know any states. is new york a state? if so, cause of @yanak324, i will say ny

favourite job you've had? well i’ve worked freelance stuff and now my current job, so i dont have much experience to say i have a favourite. but i really like my current job so i’ll say that. 

im gonna tag: ooft im tired but lets do this, @yanak324, @evax3, @sneetchstar, @northernfieldsforever, @salty-wench, @littlerockerao3, @nalgenewhore, @treaddelicately, @livhatesolives, @aryasbadbenergy, @watersandwolves

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-05-19

Figured an upd8 was coming, it’s felt like enough time has passed for one.

Huh, looking at my last post I’d completely forgotten I was supposed to play through Pesterquest sometime... work is busy and stressing me out a bit, I’m not sure when I’ll have the energy on the side to do that.  (Maybe I’ll livetweet it like I did Undertale a while ago, but this time not looking at my twitter replies so I don’t get spoiled by One Guy™?)

Also, including bonus commentary on A Threat Sensed.

Okay, going in completely blind.  I’d guessed from context that we’re hopping over to Meat side to get a chapter there before we can come back to actually see Yiffy?

Yep.  Okay, what is this about exactly?

(Agh, dammit, I’ve been copying and pasting so much at work remoting into Windows lately that now I’m automatically trying to hit control-C instead of command-C to copy.)

> CHAPTER 9. How Goes The Eulogizing, Dear?

CONTENT NOTE: This chapter contains Child Abuse.

Which one???

Wait

JANE: (Where is he?) JANE: (It's a question I've found myself asking many times in recent days.)

Holy SHIT we get two Candy chapters in a row???  So we might see her right away??  No, it’s gotta just be another tiny glimpse.

(Has two Candy chapters in a row happened before?  Future Boots, scroll back up and put this here. FUTURE BOOTS: “I forgot to scroll back up and put that here.” EDIT: Also, not the first time with two in a row, but it IS the first time with THREE in a row, huh.)

So Jane has to be talking about either Tavros or Dave.  --Oh, if this was a Candy Side chapter title, I guess Rose or Jade is eulogizing Dave for John?

> (==>)

JANE: (Where now is our merry savior?) JANE: (Where is the horn that was honking?) JANE: (Where is the cape and the codpiece, and the...) JANE: (The...) JANE: (Oh, fiddlesticks.)

What?  Is she reading a childrens’ book?  --Oh.  She’s eulogizing Gamzee.  So that gives us a third option, where the rebellion crashes the funeral somehow, probably audiovisually rather than in person.  (Which would make sense, given Candy practically began with Gamzee crashing Dirk’s funeral.)

> (==>)

Ah never mind, she’s still writing it.

That sure is a single button drama-remote that’s going to be pressed at some point.  Oh, and who the fuck keeps a spork in a pen cup???  --No no, don’t say it’s one of those pens with a spork at the eraser end, either ready-made or rubber-banded to the side.  That would make sense.  You totally know it isn’t that and is just a spork.

JANE: (Okay, poetry is out.) JANE: (What else?) JANE: (Hrm...) JANE: (I've always been pretty good at crying on cue.) JANE: (Could I try staging an emotional breakdown?) JANE: (That could work; playing to people's humanity.)

Why were you crying in Jake’s arms about his death if you didn’t care that much?  Did you just want him to hold you and kinda make him feel in on things again?  Or did you just cry yourself out about him?

JANE: (Or whatever is the more inclusive term.)

I bet the rest of Earth C figured out a more inclusive term millenia ago FUCK I accidentally added millennia to my dictionary misspelled instead of correcting it hold on--

...There, killed the entry for it.  ...Huh.  Take a look at my Chrome dictionary’s custom-added words over the years, apparently:

Caliborn Eridan Kanaya Matriorb Meenah Tavros alchemiter dichotomic nephilim reblogged uncaptchalogues uncaptchaloguing

That’s fun.

Okay back to reading. Millennia.  Phew!  Where was I.

JANE: (One really good and calculated weep could do it, I think.) JANE: (But then there's the danger that I might get carried away and do it for real.) JANE: (And I can't risk that.)

So still feeling something, just too used to calculating over the past years.

JANE: (What can I say about him that will stir up their emotions?) JANE: (Do I mention the stuff about the milk?) JANE: (Think Crocker, think.)

WHY would you-- how much did Gamzee normalize adult breastfeeding?!

JAKE: Ahoy over there!

Not the best time.

(The thing with the divorce papers from the Epilogue and John implying he was planning with Jake to execute something that sounds like a divorce... is that going to be sprung here?  Did her lawyers send the divorce papers way back when she was in a fit of pique, and he just had them available to sign now at the tactical moment? Or... let me pull the exact text...)

JOHN: now, harry anderson, i know that you and tavros haven't always gotten along. JOHN: but i am going to have to ask you to try and look out for him for the time being. JOHN: your uncle jake and i... well, i'll explain later. JOHN: let's just say that gamzee isn't the only family member jane is losing today.

(So is John going to submit the papers? Or did they already go through a while ago and default custody to John or something who’s going to adopt him too or some nonsense?  And did he plan this out with Jake NOW, or a while ago, and if only a while ago, is Jake going to KNOW whatever John’s about to pull in that respect is about to happen??)

> (==>)

Butte

Janepalme

> (==>)

JAKE: Er... how goes the eulogizing, dear?

Gah.  I completely forgot again that capitalized-first-letter chapter names don’t mean KANAYA is saying them.  That probably makes a lot more sense out of my wondering about the chapter title earlier to those of you who didn’t realize I was making that mistake.

JANE: It turns out that it's mighty difficult to find touching things to say about a person, the relationship with whom was predicated on deep-seated mutual loathing.

Hah!

--A loathing you regarded as largely more important to you than Jake ever was, by the way.  You asshole.

JANE: I imagine this is one of the reasons no funerary tradition was ever established on Alternia, besides the barbarism of their culture. DIRK: Jesus christ. JANE: Not only did a significant proportion of their interpersonality depend on romance in the form of hatred, but it was a society based on cruelty and violence. JANE: What reason could they have had to provide for the dead? JANE: What kind of last rites could they have even imagined?

I wondered for a moment why (bg!)Dirk of all people would react to a single line of her starting to bring up prejudices, but then I realized that (1) Brain Ghost Dirk is a little more Jakey, and (2) Dirk knew that more ranting would follow the first line.

JANE: I can't think of anything good to write about him because deep down, I hated his guts. JANE: But he was and is beloved of the multitude, so I have to think of something regardless. JAKE: Im not sure i understand. JANE: Don't worry your pretty little head about it. JANE: This is politics, Jakey. JANE: Lying through your two front teeth about people you hate is about as good a definition as it's possible to get. JANE: But, by gum, is it tiring work.

Mm.  It’s a position Jane put herself in, but it’s still a legitimate position once you’re there.

JANE: The funeral is tomorrow, after all.

Got it.

DIRK: Dude, the bowl. JAKE: Hm? JAKE: Oh, right. JANE: What is it now, Jake. JAKE: I brought something for our guest as well. JANE: You mean the prisoner. JAKE: Y...es.

Wait, bowl?

Oh god damnit which of you had the idea to feed her with a DOG BOWL.  Either of you could have thought of it, and either of you would be horrible for it.

> (==>)

Huh, that outfit on Yiffy looks familiar, like a reference to something.  And a black tail?  This definitely isn’t quite the look I was expecting from Jade Plus Rose, but I suppose the snazzy tie is a Roseish vibe.  Also reminiscent of Jade’s old Dead Shuffle dress.  Formal wear and soccer cleats??

JANE: She's over in the corner. JANE: Don't worry, she won't bite. JANE: I've seen to that already.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN.  I don’t see anything over her mouth!  Did she stick something in it, or drug her?  File her fucking teeth???

I mean I did forget the Child Abuse trigger warning to be fair.  Hoping whatever would be on her mouth is just not shown in-panel yet for stylistic reasons.

> (==>)

JAKE: Its only mac and cheese, sorry. JAKE: Its all I know how to make, haha. JAKE: ... JAKE: I um... hope you can safely partake of cheese? JAKE: ... JAKE: Well, JAKE: Bon appetit.

How the fuck did Jake eat on his island then?  --Oh right, preserved food cans that Grandma Jade stored up, I think I remember.  Why would cheese not be a thing for them, if it’s fine for Jade?  I know he’s probably not just worried about lactose intolerance.

Either way, if she’s drugged here, that’ll mean we won’t get a good idea of her for a while, so which is it...

> (==>)

DIRK: Bon appetit. DIRK: Seriously dude? JAKE: (What? Did i pronounce it wrong?) DIRK: Jake. DIRK: You put the food in a fucking dog bowl. JAKE: (It was all there was, ok???) JAKE: (I feel awful enough as it is without you getting on my case about it.)

Ah, missed the bone pun.  AND, yeah, Jake, you’re a fucking idiot, you could have put it in a cup or something.

JAKE: (So far ive yet to see anything come of that brilliant plan of yours.) JAKE: (Are you sure sending that message to the others was enough?)

Okay, so he IS coordinating this slightly.

> (==>)

Horrifying image to contemplate, eh Jane?

Or anger-inducing?

> (==>)

Seems about right!

> (==>)

Oh that’s a GREAT exasperated Jane face.

JANE: I hope you're not expecting dessert, young lady.

I like how Jane didn’t notice, comment on, or care about the bowl.  How can you hate a kid so much??

> (==>)

Oh I know why I felt like I recognized the outfit style, it’s because it’s ANIME AS FUCK.  Feels like some Persona 4 Arena nonsense, and I say that not having played any of those games or even remembering what they looked like.  Also, white hair, black fur’d dog parts?  Nice change of pace.

YIFFY: GRRRRRRRRR... JANE: Oh no you don't.

Red text?  What color exactly... “#D00009”?  Huh.  That’s nowhere near Alt-Callie’s #FF0000, and darker than Dave’s #E00707.  In fact, let me go back and check those spilled color pins the commentary pointed out from an update or two ago...  no, the red pin is #E63225, closer to Dave’s color.  (Also, is Yiffy blocking the doorway out?  That’s a pretty slack chain then.)

Did Jane see to it that she wouldn’t bite with like, a water spray bottle?

(EDIT: Oh my FUCKING GOD, THAT's why it's #D00009...)

> (==>)

FUCK I didn’t notice the shock collar in the Yiffy image!  FUCK YOU, Jane.

> (==>)

Keeping someone in line with collars, especially ones that punish whenever one strays out of line, has always been a decent way for her to mix in some Doomy control of others to show how she’s “grown” to balance her main role and her Tiara-controlled-like inverse for more power.  Doom in part represents boundaries that you can’t cross without getting hurt or punished.

> (==>)

FUCK, those little buck teeth!?  D’:

JANE: That's more like it.

She HAS to have more of a reason for hating her than hating her parents, right?  Like, more than that and general racism applying to partdogfolk?

> (==>)

Hey fuck off with that!

> (==>)

This is a pretty cool ima-- are those piercings on her dog ear?  I didn’t notice that in the first shot, neat.

JANE: You've been a thorn in my side ever since I agreed to enroll you at the academy, little madam. JANE: Back then, I was doing a favor for two old friends who made a disgusting mistake. JANE: I'm no longer going to play nice with you just because of your parents, however. JANE: That truce is over. JANE: Do I make myself understood?

What the fuck?  WHY would you do that?  Why does Jane run "Ms. Paint’s Home for Inconvenient Girls”?  What did Yiffy do to piss her off so much there, how much trouble could she have caused?

I don’t know if she’s referring to the behind-Kanaya’s-back part as disgusting or she’s just being MORE racist.

> (==>)

JANE: We don't want you passing out during the ceremony, do we?

Oh, just showing the hostage off during the clown funeral, huh?  Classy much?

> (==>)

JANE: Now, be a good hostage and get some rest, Yiffany dear. JANE: We've got a big day tomorrow.

For a politician, Jane’s not good at looking at herself in a mirror.

> (==>)

JANE: Night night. JANE: Hoo hoo.

> (Yiffy: Lights out.)

Huh, dream stuff is gonna be relevant out in Candy then? *click*

Okay, dark background all of a sudden.  Properly dramatic?  You even have to highlight the non-link “>” part of the Next link to see it.

> (==>)

-- thespiansGlamor [TG] began pestering adamantGriftress [AG] --

Well, I don’t know WHY it’s happening, but the white-backed pesterlog suddenly on the dark site framing is certainly evocative.  Of like, a mood, or something.

TG: i thought he was pretty quiet down there. TG: we'll make a rebel of him yet! AG: Lol. AG: I think it's more that he can't sleep. AG: I know how he feels. TG: yeah. TG: today was a lot. AG: ... TG: do you wanna talk about it? AG: Ugh, not you as well.

It’s really jarring to transition between Homestuck’s “kids jarringly mentally resistant to freaking out about the end of the world” to HS^2′s more realistic “kids traumatized by their first firefight even though it was an overwhelming victory-escape”.

TG: but seriously, do you? AG: Not really. TG: not even about... you know? TG: her? AG: No. TG: ... are you sure? AG: A8solutely. AG: What are you, my moirail? AG: Just leave it, Harry. TG: ok.

Are they about to have an “I wonder what Yiffy’s like” talk?

> (==>)

Very similar Tav/Vrissy convo to the previous one.

GG: I havent ever shared a bedroom before,,, GG: Not even for a slumber party,,, AG: Tavvy, you are just a8out the saddest person I've ever met.

Well, we have an even better idea how horrible Jane can be with kids, now.  From Nanna to THIS is quite jarring.  I wonder how the double Nannasprites that must still be around here somewhere feel?

> (==>)

TG: nothing about my dad is cute. TG: what are you even saying. AG: Lmao. TG: seriously! TG: i think he has something against that word, even. he gets super weird about it. AG: He's a strange and funny m8n. TG: yeah. TG: ... TG: i think something bad must have happened.

...um.  What?  Why would John have some sort of trauma about the word cute or being called it?

Did John dress up as a hint of his buried June ambitions as a kid and Dad lavish him with “SO CUTE” praise in an epic supportiveness backfire that caused him to shelve the idea of wearing non-masc clothes and being happier on the flipside of gender ever again???  Because if that’s how June gets canonized as promised, it’s a little harsher than the back of my mind was hoping.  I guess it kind of had to be though from the premise of how it was read into his childhood for the original idea, though.  Fuck, I hope this Cute business is about something different from that (like a Terezi reference or such) just to get less John Sads.  (But still June.  Definitely still want to get June.)

> (==>)

Oh, and now Vrissy is doing nothing but talking about what she said she didn’t want to talk about, of course.  (Also I like how JANE’s now being called the Batterwitch.)

AG: And the worst part was they didn't even fight a8out it! AG: That made me madder than 8nything else. AG: It felt like I was the only person who even W8S mad! GG: I dont think thats true,,, AG: What would you know a8out it?! GG: Maybe nothing,,, GG: Sorry,,, GG: Its just,,, GG: To me,,, all the way through the conversation,,, aunt kanaya looked even angrier than you,,, AG: ... AG: Adults are so fucking weird.

Guh, I don’t want to be reminded how hurt a good chunk of the fanbase is by Kanaya getting hurt this badly.

Original Tavros was always SLIGHTLY perceptive of others sometimes, but maybe perceptiveness is being hinted at as a Tavros specialty?  We still don’t know his classpect/hero-title or have any firm guesses based on purely him evidence.  (Also, frightened kids of abusive households tend to learn to get perceptive pretty fucking quickly I hear.)

> (==>)

TG: dad was sitting in the cafeteria with aunt jade and your moms. TG: it looked like they were discussing something important... they were whispering and stuff.

[etc etc] Alright, the what-happened-to-Dave bit.  And I imagine they’re kind of helping John grieve there, since Rose and Jade have talked that out already.

TG: aunt kanaya's was the only face i could see. TG: she was standing next to them, but she wasn't looking at what was going on. TG: almost like she couldn't bear to. AG: I doubt it. Kanaya's got a8out as much Emotivity as a very reclusive stone. TG: ok, i think that is bullshit but whatever. TG: she saw me standing there, but didn't say anything. she just shook her head slightly, and pointed back out into the hallway i came down.

Yep, giving them some space to grieve.  Also-- gosh, shouldn’t Vrissy have the same emotive senses that Aranea implied Vriska shared with her?  Kanaya isn’t that EXPRESSIVE but she’s certainly full of emotion.  Also, I hope part of her not bearing to watch wasn’t lingering anger toward Jade and Rose mixing with that, but there probably was a bit of that too, though Dave being gone is so much harsher than that. --I just realized they might not have broken the news to Karkat yet, either.

AG: I guesadxcxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz TG: vrissy?

Put to sleep by someone slumping down on your phone keypad, or surprised by something about the other conversation?

Oh shit, “other conversation” reminded me I didn’t look at Tavros’s chumhandle:

glutinousGymnast [GG]

HHHHHhhhhuh.  Hm... huh? hhhh.  huh?  what, but.  Why would.  ?????

I really don’t understand what that chumhandle or any of its entendres should signify in this context.

Also, this means for our new four kids we have TG, GG, AG, and ??.

> (==>)

GG: I think she might have succumbed to sleep quite suddenly,,, GG: It would explain the,,,,,, interesting messages I've been getting for a while,,, TG: hehe. TG: i guess that tracks. TG: she does that from time to time.

That’s... strange.  Homestuck’s taught us to be suspicious of that.

TG: ... TG: tav? GG: Yes,,, harry anderson,,,? TG: what does it feel like to know someone who's died?

Who is Harry referring to? (EDIT: Yes I know Gamzee for Tavros, but I meant Harry talks like he's worried he'll have to feel that way soon?)  Is he just kind of inferring that something bad might have happened to Uncle Dave?  Got that perceptive “parents are about to tell me about a death in the family” vibe?  Or did he overhear more than he let on to Vrissy?

...alright, that’s the last page of this update.  Looks like this chapter is going to continue to have a good bunch of grieving, or talk around it.

---

Now for Bonus Commentary for A Threat, Sensed.  For some reason I have a dim memory of like... reading this myself without commenting on it?  Or skimming it?  But I’m pretty sure I didn’t do that.  Weird.  Must have imagined doing it.

Ah, I think I saw the opening paragraph scrolling Patreon, and my mind kinda filled in the blanks, this is still looking new to me.

Okay, mostly banter and japes in the commentary here.  About Dirk “throwing a huge tantrum in his philosophy cave”.

We’ve had quite a bit of speculation on whether this is “really” Andrew. To that, I think we’d say that it doesn’t “really” matter.

Really?  That was speculated about?  :/

Here we discover that Dirk has not, as some people have speculated, been directly intervening into the Candy timeline, or influencing it in any way. In fact, he has a very hard time seeing anything going on there at all.

Mhmm, and that was a pretty important thing to learn.

A couple of years ago I might have agreed with the take that everything happening in Candy is simply too outlandish to ever happen naturally, without direct, villainous interference, but that was before literally every fucking batshit insane thing that has happened on Real Life Earth started going down, and now I will believe literally anything. 

This is a nice bit of distraction from the idea that at least the opening parts of the Candy story were written/narrated by Original, Alive Calliope over on meat side.  To refresh your memory of what was pointed out to me:

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls TEREZI: WH4T? ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise ROXY: some of it is like ROXY: weird and violent?? ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um ROXY: nudity???? TEREZI: >:? ROXY: yeah yikes ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

Which tracks with the initial out-of-character-seemingness of almost everyone at the start of Candy, and how they kind of tried to railroad things back onto the “Happy??” track after Dirk derailed it with his weird self-accumulation suicide, along with some of the flowery-idyllic descriptions of characters seeing each other bathed in a halo of light and such.

Of course, they’re not going to out-and-out STATE that Calliope was at fault for that narration, helping the Candy story not necessarily fall out the way it did “naturally”, until we finally get a glimpse of her on the heroes’ ship in Meat probably still painting the continuing Candy events, inspiring them into the void of the singularity with her latent powers.  Til then, it’s a bit of misdirection whenever the topic is to be brought up.  Along with a mix of Roxy’s late-Candy point to John of more or less “why COULDN’T we have done this naturally? you don’t know”.

He might even think that he has more direct power over the narrative than Hussie does himself. Surprise, motherfucker, you are a fictional character. 

:p

I’ll quote this next part in full:

There’s been talk of whether or not this bonus was written in the two days between its release and the Yiffy reveal chapter. The answer is--no. It was written over a month ago. But I think the things it addresses were not difficult to suss out. Obviously, Dirk is highlighting the issues that the readership are having with Yiffy, in his typical Dirk fashion. If it seems a little defensive, well...I suppose it is. Yiffy is one of the two hard lines drawn in the sand, and all of us love her, and we’re hoping that everyone else will love her too. But more than that, it focuses on the fact that update culture has a rhythm to it--shock, revulsion, acceptance (or not), and then excitement (or not). Will it follow that pattern this time? Who knows. I guess we’ll find out. 

Yeah, given what was going to be dropped on us I expected they would have had exactly this lined up, especially because Andrew specifically mandated Yiffy.  --I wonder why they aren’t mentioning that somewhere in the commentary and only on one of their Twitters?

Also quoting this:

There’s something both incredibly “cringe” and self-indulgent, as well as philosophically intriguing, about the author arguing with his villain, especially since he’s writing both halves of the conversation himself. You are, for all intents and purposes, trying to solve a problem that you have created for yourself. You are looking an aspect of your personality in the eye and asking, hey, what the fuck, man?

But in the end, isn’t that what every story is? Trying to untie knots that you put in the rope yourself?

Since it’s part of the central struggle of this story, and kind of the question Andrew’s tried to imply with every Homestuck work about what right we have to keep these characters trapped in a story, and if they’d be better off escaping it.

I’m really trying to avoid quoting so much of this, since the commentary is paid...  but I think we can make an exception here?  I’ll have only quoted about half of it; just, the really plot-important half.  Plus, I left out a LOOOT of japes.

Dirk has a certain idea of how stories are supposed to go. That’s pretty much what the Epilogues is about. The audience also has a certain expectation of how a story is supposed to go. In a way, the Epilogues were also about that. They were taking a story that had reached the traditionally “acceptable” happily ever after, and saying, wait, no. What happens next? Thinking past happily ever after in any story is a terrifying prospect. Once Cinderella marries the prince, what then? Sure, she got what she wanted, but who knows that it will be everything she dreamt it would? What if she changes her mind, if not today, what about ten years from now? What if the prince dies of malaria? 

And I’m...

Yeah I don’t have anything else to add here, I’m kind of out of brain juice to think about this tonight.  BUSY day I had.  Y’all take care!

[consultingsister-aa]

@theasteriae​ said: ☎ / i love this meme, will always send it, pls choose whoever 😌

sebastian moran ( alt main ) NAME: booty call #3   RINGTONE: love story, taylor swift  PICTURE: mostdangerousmaninlondon.png LAST TEXT RECEIVED: no.  LAST TEXT SENT: i have THE BEST idea but i’m going to need ur life insurance details 

electra black ( groupies and gang wars ) NAME: black twin female  RINGTONE: woman, kesha  PICTURE: wifey.jpg  LAST TEXT RECEIVED: can we do paris then? x LAST TEXT SENT: UGH no i think i have to be in nyc on the 18th for a show :/ can you make it out to vegas for the boys show? we’re getting that stupid expensive suit for the lols again lololol cause obz we need two pools in the hotel we’re never fucking in lmaaooo

aidan fitzgerald ( groupies and gang wars ) NAME: mr electra black  RINGTONE: you need to calm down, taylor swift  PICTURE: babe.jpg LAST TEXT RECEIVED: i am exhausted so if i come home to you in my bed again, i am going to lose it, get out now or i’ll throw you out the window  LAST TEXT SENT: probs shouldn’t come home then xoxoxoxoxo

kate conway ( lawyer verse ) NAME: work wifey  RINGTONE: don’t call me angel, miley cyrus + ariana grande + lana del rey  PICTURE: diva.png LAST TEXT RECEIVED: they’ve offered forty million, we’re turning that down right?  LAST TEXT SENT: tell them to fuck off, but professionally ;) also did you order donuts to the office bc im going to eat them all if you don’t hurry up and crush this case whoooops 

[saltine-kakyoin]

OH AND for the other ask thing, mayhaps 🎯 🔭 🎞 🥐 and 💌? this is also quite a few hgjkghd if u don't wanna do them all that's fine!!!! i hope u can find a moment of relaxation tonight

it’s no worries!! i’m really appreciative of these because my sister and her fiance are talking about me flying home in the other room and i am truly tryna be like ⬇️ thank you for the kind wishes man… you already know this but ilysm ; J ;

the rest of this gets really long, so i’m gonna put this under a readmore!

🎯 if you could gain any skill instantly, what would it be?

broo this question is like a callout post… i have a list of skills i’ve been meaning to learn since at least august of 2018 that has regretfully gone untouched + unloved.. I would say, either the ability to speak spanish or ASL? or maybe how to hand embroider, or to do calligraphy? (fun fact: i bought a quill at last year’s ren faire, mostly as a prop for the game of whodunnit we do every day + I was going to learn to use it properly but it’s sat in my RF tub since november.. la tragedie) i’m really godawful at cooking and i don’t know how to bake, so maybe i should prioritize those..i desperately dream of baking loaves of bread for my friends and family, wrapping them in twine + writing kind notes, and hand-delivering them.. uGH ;J;

🔭 what’s your go-to topic to learn about when you’re bored?

it really depends on what i’m into! most of the time, i love deep-diving and learning the weird ins-and-outs of the lore of whatever i’m really into! my brother can testify for me staying up all night on the dragon ball wiki trying to make heads or tails of the different timelines.. August-November, though, i love learning about handicrafts! i have an entire playlist on youtube dedicated to leatherworking, bookbinding, woodburning, + other funky crafts that i’ll hopefully one day delve into so that Corylana can evolve from Ditsy invader zim-kinning elf to a tru Explorer of the Woods who has seen shit + lived to tell the tale! c:

🎟 what are some artists/bands whose music brings back childhood memories for you?

i’m such an audiophile so this question, i think, is probably the loveliest one to be asked ^ ^ a really important thing to understand about this answer is that i spent the latter half of my formative years locked up in a house all day w/ 2008 internet as my primary source of entertainment. 

most of my childhood is tied up in songs as opposed to bands. my sister and i were really Addicted to yugioh amvs, so we listened to a ton of alt rock bc that’s what all the amvs were set to? the most iconic one was this joey x mai amv from like 2008 that i am SO glad still exists.. he is everything you want Stays one of my favorite songs solely bc of polarshipping (this is a Lie that song SLAPS)  chasing cars, eclipse of the heart, iris, you and me, and hfhsh remember the name were really Crucial songs ;v; i was also ObSESSED w britney although my mom hates her + i vividly remember that they used to play hips don’t lie Every Single Time we went to eat at buffalo wild wings, so it became another obsession. my mom really loved ymca so we listened to that all the time, too c:

also FUCK my sister brought this up… the first 3 seconds of untouched by the veronicas sets off my fight or flight response because SO many people used it for their iconic 2008-2010 “xyz productions” title cards, FUCK.

things changed once we moved back to north carolina (read: my sister and i became mortal enemies?) i’m about to oust myself but vocaloid was such a huge part of my childhood (it’s also why i joined choir at all, which is hilarious considering that’s basically the rest of my life lol) i enjoyed a TON of different artists, but i remember for a fact that i was obsessed with wowaka, deco*27 (egomama and aimai elegy were particular faves) (ALSO TWO BREATHS WALKING + LOVE DISTANCE LONG AFFAIR WAIT.. WAIT…. OMG), and jin (ms. kagerou project....

on a mildly unrelated note (does hs count as one’s childhood? hm), disney’s candlelight processional brings back so many warm memories from high school! although I cannot fuck with the hallelujah chorus, even 2 years after graduation, because it brings me back to the first time I performed it + my throat locked up on stage and i couldn’t breathe consistently for like 4 minutes! ; J ; i vividly remember debating whether or not i could make it through the song w/o passing out or sitting down (if you sat down to be carried out during the performance, you didn’t receive your complimentary tickets bc you didn’t perform the whole show. My dilemma was that Hallelujah is the final song of the show + i had powerhoused through every song before it)

🥐 what food is your go-to when you want something easy to make/prepare?

in moments of dire hunger, my brother and i always resort to ramen with broccoli! ramen is a1 on its own but there’s something about the broccoli that truly elevates it.. idk. i cannot wait for when i have more time to cook + look back on this answer and cackle at my lack of cooking skills ;v;

💌 what’s something you love about the last friend/family member you texted?

the last person i texted was my brother ben! and bro where the fuck do i even Begin with benji, oh my god.. he and i have been through the trials and tribulations of childhood alliance + betrayal, we’ve walked through the fires of hell + lived to tell the tale of it to our mom even though we both agreed we wouldn’t snitch.. benji is a legend

I feel the same way about ben that you do about lj! we’re almost always on the same wavelength about stuff, and i feel like i can talk to him about genuinely anything c: we swing wildly between being Literally Incoherent and manic to being very real and sometimes philosophical and it is always yeehaw Times. one of the things i appreciate most about ben is that he’s SUCH a good sounding board for ideas- i always bounce my new concepts off of him and he almost always has something interesting to add or consider. sergio, and most of my other aus, would deadass Not Exist without ben’s inputs c:

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki SSL Kazama Cross Short Story “Food” Translation + note at bottom

the Japanese chapter name for this apparently translates to ‘meal’ (so says google mtl) but i’m just going to refer to these cross short stories as “food” because of the Eng on the chapter visual below. 

also i have decided that at the end of every month imma go and actually edit my postings so that i can go and remove all those ‘to be edit tags’.... will also remove some side/personal notes for some things then as well... and may add char tags to some things though i dislike the idea of tagging every character that appears in a drama...

Enjoy... also I like prawn flavoured instant noodles. 

Hakuoki SSL Cross Short Story: Kazama Chikage x Food

Translation by KumoriYami

Kazama: Tell me, Amagiri. What are "cup noodles"?

Amagiri: ....Ha?

Amagiri: I believe cup noodles are cup noodles. Have you not eaten them (before)?

Kazama: Of course I know of them. Only (I) haven't eaten them (before).

Amagiri: Why are you suddenly bringing this up today then?

Kazama: People in class were saying that a delicious flavour of cup noodle was released recently.  

Kazama: And apparently my wife was very happy after eating it.  

Kazama: This time the husband must take the initiative to understand his wife's interests.

Amagiri:.....No matter the reason, this may be a good opportunity for Kazama-sama to broaden his horizons since he is a bit biased. This is a very joyous/happy matter.

Kazama: So Amagiri, buy a cup noodle for me!

Amagiri: .....Understood. Please wait a moment.

(After a while)

Kazama: Ha, (so) this is cup noodles.

Amagiri: Yes. This is an extremely novel/original recipe that requires pouring hot water into it that can be eaten within a few minutes.

Kazama: Taste.... is a bit salty. The ingredients in the soup are too small to offer any nutritional value. [食用 translates to edible... but changed to nutritional for more word sense....though i can’t figure out what to replace small with right now. think of something later]

Kazama:  However, the taste of commoners is not bad. Although it cannot satisfy this gourmet[alt: this one's palette].... (but [removed this]) I am very interested (in this). Amagiri.

[The first part of the sentence before "Amagiri" roughly translates to "Although this can't satisfy this uncle/this one who is a foodie... but," so I changed it.]

Amagiri: Yes. Then....

Kazama: Speak to the chef at home. Have them give me a cup noodle every three days.

Amagiri:.....Ha? Are you serious?

Amagiri: I think having/making a three-star chef make cup noodles is a bit insulting/disgraceful...

-fini-

------------

Well...i don’t intend to ever do this much stuff at once ever again lol... but I had a shitty week (sleeping-wise) and spent that time doing things that didn’t really help... like translating lol. Anyway, I’m not entirely sure how many SSL non-drama cd things I’m going to translate [btw: currently looking for someone to translate about 2 lines of dialogue that are missing from student general assembly track 3 translation that i found that are spoken in the background] though if I did it would only be from the cross or daily stories for the game since I can’t really find route translations nor care to look for them... also I honestly don’t have the much interest in the routes aside from Saito’s, Yamazaki’s and Kazama’s given the summaries I’ve read online [well it’s more that I’m happy with what other people have already put together to read]. still looking for a Chinese translation of reimeiroku’s serizawa’s route (the 6th chp in particular since it’s when ibuki encounters kazama and chizuru on their way to ezo, and the epilogue [?] where i think he ends up with that cg.... though i did find a video and translations for when kazama and chizuru are talking in her home and she leans onto his back)... unfortunately some of the yuugiroku 2 vids i found used vnr translations... so iuno if i’ll bother with that.. or reimeiroku kozue’s route as it also used vnr since i don’t really want to translate mtl + human translated stuff with the help of the same methods. 

Also holy shit I can’t believe I spent about 45 min extracting text from a 14 min Hakuoki drama only to spend 50 minutes double checking that that was converted properly into text via an image to text extractor then going over that to ensure it was accurate... and I’m going to be spending an even longer amount of time to translate said shit. T_T im such a masochist for hakuoki stuff. iuno if that’s a good thing or a bad thing lol..... 

*sigh*

btw does anyone have Adobe after-effects (or another program that can do falling snow visuals/white balls falling like snow similar to the hakuoki games)  and/or can recommend a free video editor that can allow for inserting timed text as animations? I found the audio for the Hakuoki Stories of the Shinsengumi bonus character stories (I’ve only listened to the Saito one “warm first snow” and the Kazama one with Amagiri and Shiranui) and kinda really want clean videos of them with english text for my own enjoyment... I’m thinking I can probably get something free to add text onto a video and don’t really care if said text isn’t animated or not, but I’d really like the animated snow effect on the saito one...

gnight technically morning now. 

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Meat ch 28-32 [Epilogue 5]

So now we’re in different hands.

chapter 28

We return to John, this time with alt-Calliope narrating about his alarmingly blunt teeth. Also on further thought I have no more reason to use ‘she’ pronouns for alt-Calliope than proper Calliope (alt-Calliope does not even seem to use the name Calliope in narration, just things like ‘the dead cherub’), so I will use they pronouns, and will edit the previous post to reflect that.

alt-Calliope declares that they are not going to be ‘inserting thoughts into peoples’ heads’, though they will be ‘truthfully’ reporting those thoughts with more clarity than the subject of narration is necessarily prepared to acknowledge.

john would be mortified with human embarrassment if he could understand the clarity and precision with which i am willing to telegraph his thoughts. but his embarrassment is irrelevant to me. as always, the truth is paramount.

This mortifying description of how John thinks of Terezi includes a reference to “gap moe”, because of f u c k i n g course it does.

John worries if this makes him like a creepy weeb who collects body pillows, but in dialogue dismisses this as something that would only make sense to a human. Unfortunately, Tegiri exists to disprove that sentiment!

Despite alt-Calliope’s avowed dedication to ‘truth’, there is obviously more to this than not contradicting the ‘truth’ of events or thoughts... she is deciding how to present the ‘true’ information, what to state and what to leave implicit and what to brush over. a story also concerns what’s ‘relevant’ and ‘essential’, as Rose said so long ago.

chapter 29

Jane, it seems, has been using the trickster-mode lollipop during her campaign. This leads to an argument with the narration about whether or not it’s “problematic” - neither Jane nor alt-Calliope think so, though neither can be considered someone presented in a 100% positive light at this point...

(Jane mostly argues in the in-universe political campaign situation, when of course the argument about ‘trickster mode’ was the whole ‘caucasian’ shitshow)

Anyway, despite her prior statements, alt-Calliope is not above interfering in the narration if it’s for the sake of cherub artefacts.

jane rubs her eyes under her glasses and groans. trickster mode is also quite exhausting. what a strange quirk of human biology that excess euphoria must necessarily be followed by crippling despair. she carelessly tosses the lollipop on the floor, lurches toward her desk...

no.

she turns around promptly, her body jolted by the surprise of her sudden reversal. she bends over, cradles the lollipop reverentially, and situates it carefully in a place signifying respect: atop the mantle, after clearing space for it by shoving several brittle, worthless objects to the floor.

alt-Calliope narrates that she’s totally got Dirk’s number - “he probably thinks he’s a very clever boy, my brother did too” - as Dirk works on a long red rifle in between other tasks designed to distract.

Jane wonders about trying to blackmail Jake by revealing that he’s been having sex with trolls. Dirk challenges this as xenophobic. There’s an odd exchange...

JANE: What ISN’T xenophobic?

DIRK: Well, for one thing, what you just said there?

DIRK: Probably also xenophobic.

JANE: WHAT?

DIRK: Sorry, that’s just how it is.

DIRK: You either gotta roll with the woke shit, or decide to commit laborious, symbolic, melodramatic suicide in the process of utterly giving up.

This may be referring to his suicide in the other branch, I guess? idefk what this is trying to say ><

chapter 30

Karkat and Dave are attempting to win over Jake. This involves a lot of jokes about “neoliberal austerity measures”, super pacs, and so on... and the two of them playing off each other. Dave has been presenting “visionary”, “avant-garde” campaign ads based on SBAHJ.

alt-Calliope notes that Jake has now been freed from Dirk’s indirect narrative control, able to make his own decisions. In tiny text, Dirk grumbles about this. Without his control, he declares, Jake is a purely reactive ‘dead bug’; with it, Jake is like an ant controlled by Cordyceps towards a “greater purpose” (i.e., reproducing Cordyceps ¬¬)

Anyway, Karkat ultimately makes a speech: he doesn’t say he’ll be the best president, but that whichever one wins, it will set a precedent on the matter of troll reproductive rights that will last for a very long time. Jane is, necessarily, far more concerned with nice appearances than doing right:

KARKAT: NO MATTER HOW NICE SHE WAS WHEN YOU WERE KIDS, HER DEDICATION TO THE APPEARANCE OF THAT “NICENESS” HAS ALREADY LED HER DOWN A PATH OF CORRUPTION AND DUPLICITY.

KARKAT: BECAUSE WHEN YOU LIVE INSIDE A SKIN THAT’S A LIE, YOU’LL EITHER GROW TO FIT IT, OR COLLAPSE UNDER THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF YOUR OWN SHIT-SPEWING COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

KARKAT: TRUST ME, I FUCKING KNOW, BECAUSE I USED TO SPEW AN UNTOLD AMOUNT OF SHIT.

I think this is well put. I think it gets to the heart of a lot of things, that this story is talking about, apart from the free will/alternate possibilities stuff...

Anyway, that wins Jake over to their side.

chapter 31

Back to Terezi eating weird things in space. (Nice!)

Do god tiers need to eat? ...come to think of it, Terezi never actually went god tier.

Anyway, Terezi and John have a heart to heart. About the doomed timeline... and about Vriska. Terezi refers to the Remem8er flash, where she found a connection with the Terezi from the Game Over timeline.

TEREZI: TH4TS WHY 1M OUT H3R3

TEREZI: YOU S33...  

TEREZI: TH4T DOOM3D T3R3Z1 M1SS3D VR1SK4 *SO* MUCH, 1T W4S L1K3 4 HOL3 1N H3R H34RT

TEREZI: 1 R3M3MB3R TH3 W4Y SH3 F3LT, B3C4US3 ON3 T1M3, 4LL H3R M3MOR13S C4M3 FLOOD1NG B4CK

TEREZI: 1 3V3N GOT TO S33 WH4T H4PP3N3D WH3N SH3 D13D

TEREZI: SH3 4ND 4NOTH3R VR1SK4 GHOST F1N4LLY FOUND 34CH OTH3R

TEREZI: 1T M4D3 M3 SO H4PPY G3TT1NG TO F33L TH4T, 4S 1F 1T W4S ON3 OF MY OWN M3MOR13S

TEREZI: 1T JUST R31NFORC3D TH3 F33L1NG TH4T TH3R3 W4S SOM3TH1NG SP3C14L B3TW33N US

TEREZI: 4ND 1 JUST K3PT H4NG1NG ON TO TH4T B3L13F, R1GHT UP UNT1L...  

TEREZI: OH, 1 DONT KNOW

TEREZI: NOW???

TEREZI: 1V3 PR4CT1C4LLY D3VOT3D MY L1F3 TO C3RT41N M3MOR13S, TO TH3 1D34 TH4T TWO P3OPL3 C4N B3 M34NT TO B3 W1TH 34CH OTH3R ON SOM3 COSM1C L3V3L, 3V3N 1F TH3Y 4LW4YS S33M TO G3T 34CH OTH3R 1NTO TROUBL3

TEREZI: 4LL TH4T 1NV3STM3NT, 4LL TH4T S34RCH1NG...  

TEREZI: 4ND FOR *WH4T*?

TEREZI: OV3R 4 SW33P TOG3TH3R, 4ND SH3 JUST D1S4PP34RS 1NTO THE VO1D 4G41N?!

TEREZI: WH4T 4 HUG3 B1TCH

T_T

Anyway, this gets to the crux of the matter: Earth C may supposedly be paradise, but it doesn’t feel like it for either of them. To quote a certain book series, “perhaps some people just don’t have the knack of being happy”.

Anyway, Terezi can’t bear to part with John just yet - so she offers to take a look at his tooth wound. There’s a very funny moment where alt-Calliope narrates the blade drawing in a way so as to personally antagonise Dirk, who is pissed.

Terezi removes the poisonous tooth and then dresses John’s wound - I’ll be interested to hear from @drc4ble if her wound care is up to snuff. Then they have post-surgery makeouts.

Literally any even slightly intimate moment lol (or even a fight)... I miss feeling able to be that affectionate with people.

Although this is a het scene, it actually feels surprisingly... not het. idk. Not sure how to clarify that.

alt-Calliope, I guess, hasn’t lost her obsession with shipping and intimacy from when she was small. She claims she’s merely allowing John to perceive his “true” thoughts - and that’s why he’s being so bold. But that involves a decision, right, about which of his thoughts are “true”?

chapter 32

Apparently “proximity to a black hole”, a proxy for void, renders Roxy’s internal monologue perceptible to alt-Calliope, even though it wouldn’t normally be for those “on a higher textual plane”.

as for alt-Calliope, narrated as Jade:

looking beyond the wall she faces, and beyond everything past it, through the very fabric of narrative itself. they scan the ciliary veins of pacing, motivation, foreshadowing, irony—a continuum that has been upended by the prince’s interference. 

Dirk and alt-Calliope are back to arguing in the narration - about how diverse the crowds are, for example. Dirk dismisses alt-Calliope’s narration as “fake-woke”.

Anyway, despite Dirk’s needling in the narration, Roxy and Dave have a well-observed conversation about like, figuring out your gay/trans/nb/etc, coming out and so forth. Dave talks about like, various stages of more-or-less-ironic self-denial. Dirk gets increasingly irate at the discussion of gender and sexuality that doesn’t lead straightforwardly into like, clear-cut relationships.

Also he’s preparing to assassinate Jake. Unable to force his thoughts into narration, he just speaks out loud, and I guess alt-Calliope reports his words.

Dirk starts climbing the bell tower. Alt-Calliope tries various means to stop him: narrating that his feet feel heavy - he monologues that he has determination to get past this - dropping a bell on him - he monologues that he’s destroying the bell with his sword. Then they just dismiss him as boring...

Alt-Calliope resorts to warning Dave of the assassination attempt. This is turning into Death Note here... “ah, but what you didn’t realise is...” type shit stacking on top of each other. Dave stands in front of Jake, which would be a Heroic death, something Dirk isn’t willing to expose him to. But Dirk’s gun isn’t loaded with bullets, but with... tranq darts. But moreover, he was misleading us as to his intentions.

He wasn’t going to shoot Jake at all. He was going to shoot alt-Calliope/Jade... giving him back control over the narration!

That was interesting though. Cherubs are fuckin’ weird, I’ll totally concede. Still not sure what makes them tick. What they idealize, what they really want. It all comes across to me as a little cloying. Perfection to them is a sweetness beyond comprehension. Sugar so potent it’s poison to us. To our bodies, to our souls. Like the place she was operating from was a realm of self-construction. A bubble of pure, phantasmal confection.

Well, I for one have had enough of that goddamn toothache. I’m back in the protein saddle, motherfuckers. I’m clacking my tongs, and the charcoal is hot.

Now who’s hungry for meat?

Epilogue 5, in toto

So this is just a ludicrously meta version of Death Note now? ok, ok...

Dirk has essentially taken the role of Caliborn, in terms of representing one of two poles of what Homestuck is “about”. Where Caliborn was about tedious masculinity and over the top carnage, Dirk seems to want plots: plans unfolding, some kind of big elegant modernist [that may be incorrect] construction where everything is “in its proper place” according to an artistic vision.

alt-Calliope now seems to want to tell a story about the personal, about complex but ultimately happy relationships, and of course to let these characters fulfil ‘their own will’, somehow...

[dilfhakyeon-moved]

coffee shop au 4 (the one with the different names written on the coffee on different days) with ralbert? :)

disclaimer: don’t give me shit for their names i am TERRIBLE at names

but yea here are the sappho de lesbos stans

Once again, the ‘mystery customer’ was striking.

That sounding pretty ominous, it was nothing that serious. It was just that every week, always on a different day, they’d get that girl coming in. And she’d come at times it was pretty dead, most likely to get the same barista. There she always went, leaning on the counter, giving these soft eyes and these sweet words, and she’d leave with her order. It was never the same order either, she just… drank of everything, apparently. Your fave could never.

Somehow, she was indeed having an effect on that barista she was messing with, but that didn’t make her any less frustrating to deal with. Yeah, the flirting was nice, but if she had a set name it’d just be so much easier, wouldn’t it ? Because giving a different name every week was getting a little old.

Of course, the barista would get quite frustrated after some time, how couldn’t she ? It’d been going on long enough. And the list of names… were similar, for some. Sometimes just complete unrealistic jokes. She could remember them all - Race, Racer, Racetrack, Antonio, Anthony, Tony, even Edmund and Ed,… Pretty Girl, too. Maybe this one was fitting, but Berta absolutely refused to believe any of these other names were that “pretty girl’s” name. For one, some of these weren’t names, and well… the others were masculine, and judging by that last nickname, she wasn’t a guy.

Either way, the redhead had a hard time staying calm as the blonde began babbling, her oddly squeaky voice fitting so well with her messy accent and pronunciation, her tripping over words and her obnoxious giggle sounding somewhat endearing… Okay, maybe she totally wasn’t paying attention to what she was being told and she got too busy getting lost in thought, but who could blame her ?

… Right, herself.

Once she woke from this kind of weird daydreaming phase, she tried to harden her expression a little. “Okay, yeah. And the order ?” She said, maybe a little harshly. But it didn’t bother her customer, whose grin widened despite her cheeks perhaps darkened a tad.

Quad venti blonde breve latte, extra hot, no foam, four pumps vanilla, three pumps cinnamon dolce, two white mocha, stirred, light whip, extra cinnamon topping.

This was ridiculous. Once again, the girl’s order had to be ridiculous. Maybe that was one time too much, and that “one time too much” the barista didn’t bother waiting for the girl to give her a name. No, she was choosing it herself. It was obvious to see on the blonde’s face that she wasn’t exactly expecting that, but did she really have a choice ? No.

“Look at it once you’re outside,” Berta muttered, groaning quietly when the girl smiled again and poked her cheek before making her way out, whistling pretty loud - and getting looks from other customers, although admittedly there really weren’t that many. It still grabbed some of them’s attention, enough for them to notice the  barista quickly yet quietly following after her, letting her coworkers take care of the place if even just for a few minutes.

Keeping sight of the blonde wasn’t the hardest task. She hadn’t gone far, just walked a few metres away and was now reading the name written on her cup with some sort of surprise.

Endearing, the shorter girl would tell you.

Casually enough, she made a few steps until she was close enough to the girl, before pausing and more or less working up the courage to talk. She wasn’t all that good at communication all the time, but she still tried. “So, Foxy,” she called out, causing the other to jump and turn around. Her gaze was always as captivating, perhaps due to how obviously emotional it was - reading her mind was impossible, but her state of mind was all too obvious at all times. What really got Berta though, it surely was how evident the blush on her face was. Striking, such a contrast with her blue eyes and her blond curls, that pink really fit well. Made her look softer, and maybe a little less insufferable.

Her lips moved incoherently for a few seconds before she frowned, and pointed at the cup. “Y'ain’t wrote that, it’s ‘Vixen’ on it,” she protested, getting the other to raise an eyebrow. Maybe it’d been easy to guess making that flirty girl flustered wasn’t hard at all, but it still gave her some satisfaction. Oh, and also it was cute.

“I know what I wrote and I know vixens are foxes.” That sure wasn’t the answer that girl had hoped for. Berta could see her bite down on her lip as she thought of a reply.

“… Yea, but– still. Why’s that anyways, I 'on’t look like a fox !”

“Reminded me of one.”

Could the girl make it any more obvious that she clearly wasn’t used to being teased ? Or, flirted with, depending on how she took it. Either way, just one more endearing, sweet thing about that cute fellow, and it kind of made the former more confident.

This time though, maybe she actually put some thought into what she was about to say. Nothing crazy, but she’d always worked on that “speaking before thinking” basis, pretty much ; having to really work out some sort of appropriate response, or even question for the situation. Because in the end, that barista had ended up following her outside, there must’ve been a reason. Yes, that’d be her question.

“So… What’s ya doin’ here ? Ain’t ya workin’ ?” She uttered, her accent somewhat worsened. Oh, maybe because she was chewing on the… the cup. Was that a stress reliever ? Whatever.

“I wanna get your name.”

“What, I gave–”

“Your real name, so I don’t sob to my friends about a cute girl named Anthony,” Berta insisted, almost mockingly - although that was all light-hearted. The poor girl seemed to whimper after “cute girl”. Haha, she found her cute, she could die happy was what the whimper meant.

“Well… 'f ya want my name, then I bet you should invite me for a sleepover some time !” The blonde tried. It probably came off as silly, even if Berta just thought it adorable.

“A… sleepover ?”

“Yea, like… the best kind'a date.” She continued, managing to sound genuine about it. “It ain’t too fast if I’ been comin’ to your shop for two months. We can totally have a sleepover.”

“But I could be a murderer an’ kill you in your sleep.”

“Bitch, wha’s the issue here ? I’d die a happy death.” She retorted - maybe a little too quickly. A chance she hadn’t pulled out the whole “oh, crush me with your arms” or any sort of stupid stuff she looked like she would totally say. And the redhead clearly wasn’t wrong about that, that kind of answer had definitely come out of that girl’s mouth a few times… Maybe she shouldn’t be thinking about it.

“So, name ?”

She seemed embarrassed to say it. “Anya.”

“That’s a real pretty name.”

“Yea, shut ya’ trap, spare me the compliments.” Anya groaned, her gaze wandering elsewhere. “ ’S just a name.”

“Sure, Anya,” Berta answered with a chuckle, shaking her head. “So you said a sleepover ?”

“Yea.”

“Then gi'mme your phone number or something.”

“Ya wrote yours on the cup.”

“… Ah, I did that.”

“Yea.”

It was her time to be embarrassed again, it seemed. Had she really forgotten so easily ? That was a shame for sure, but Anya wouldn’t be too bothered by it, she could tell.

“Anyway, I’m… I’m gonna need to go back to work. Maybe come more often. Oh, and you don’t have to run away everytime, you can drink it at the shop,” the shorter girl offered. But she was met with a head shake, and that bright, quite shit-eating grin the blonde always wore. Back to normal, huh ? Couldn’t stay away too long.

“Nah, I’m a busy gal ! Gotta get goin’ as well. I’ll catch ya later.”

“Oh, well…” Was that sadness ? Yes, maybe she’d have liked to talk to her some time, at the shop. But if she was busy, then… “Talk to you soon.”

Anya waved, blew her a kiss and then… ran away. And Berta watched her, frankly smitten. What a goddamn rowdy… cutie.

|Text| to: she alt deleted my ovaries

> hey> pretty girl here

|Text| to: pretty girl

> oh hey.> how do you spell yr name ?

|Text| to: she alt deleted my ovaries

> howevs u want idc> yknow if i didnt have no decency id have said such bs> like huge

|Text| to: pretty girl

> like ?

|Text| to: she alt deleted my ovaries

> crush me w ur arms

|Text| to: pretty girl

> oh my god> shut up> or i will

|Text| to: she alt deleted my ovaries

> pls do> >:3c

|Text| to: pretty girl

> you’re impossible

|Text | to: she alt deleted my ovaries

> ur used to it now suck it up> im even funnier thru text> i send memes> n shit> hey?> also> cats have three lips

|Text| to: pretty girl

> hey you know wht maybe u should sleep !

|Text| to: she alt deleted my ovaries and my heart

> lol maybe!!!!> wish me gn

|Text| to: pretty girl

> goodnight. dont dream of people crushing you

|Text| to: she alt deleted my ovaries and my heart

> hdskjdghsdh> ill update u on that

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[eirikrjs]

What's your writing process like? You're so eloquent (even when answering tumblr asks ... the serious replies, anyway) and it's inspiring me to get to that level.

Awesome, I’m happy and flattered to be an inspiration! Never had my writing described as “eloquent,” so thanks for that! :)

So, I typically write for three different formats, each with its own approach but with some commonalities.

#1: Tumblr posts

Answering Tumblr asks first and foremost always starts with the good intentions to actually delve into the ask backlog. In reality, this almost never happens and I default to the first page in my inbox. It’s not technically writing but choosing asks is key to this whole process. I love ones I can answer in a sentence (or image) or two but many involve taking the time to research or fact-check. I like those too, but if they require too much of an involved effort they are more likely to go unanswered, as I only have so much time. Lately I’ve only been able to do Tumblr stuff after 11PM EST. Though I want to put much of the blame on Tumblr itself because if there was a way to tag or favorite certain asks for later (and save drafts of ask replies), I’d get a lot more done. But hey, it’s a site made mostly for sharing images, so what can you expect?

Ask frequency varies but since this is perceived as a Shin Megami Tensei blog, activity naturally increases around the time of new SMT releases, where I can get 10 or so asks a day, especially if I’m active that particular day. Since we’re in the middle of an SMT drought, activity has really dried up. I still try to answer an average of three per day.

As for my actual writing and style, I personally perceive myself as a slow writer. I believe this is so because in real life I tend towards being a perfectionist with most things I do. I proofread an average length post of 2-3 paragraphs at least three or four times. One of those average length posts will take me about 20-30 minutes to write, more if there are images involved.

Another self-perception is a preference for direct language and communication. That’s why I was surprised you called my writing “eloquent,” as I like to be straightforward and succinct, workmanlike. That said, I also am sometimes frustrated that my English lexicon isn’t grander than it is, so I often use a thesaurus to brush up. But it’s never about interjecting superfluous flair or purple prose but instead the right word that could stand in for three or four others and create better sentence flow.

#2 Long-form articles

Many of the articles I’ve written grew naturally out of Tumblr posts and asks to lengths that would be inappropriate for the Tumblr format, compounded with the problem of Tumblr’s limited (read: single option) image formatting.

When I start work on long articles, I usually go analog and write outlines and other notes in a notebook. Being away from a screen and listening to music helps stimulate my brain. Music is especially important but mostly for #3, below.

After jotting down what I plan to achieve, I often jump right in to Word or Google Docs and start writing the real text for whatever my head wants to spill at that particular moment. However, I burn out quickly here because, more often than not, I like to have properly cited sources to back up my claims and, like the Tumblr asks, researching can take a while! It’s not just about finding sources and pasting in the right quotes but understanding their context and ensuring they are used appropriately in support of an argument. It’s like every college paper I ever did, only I’ve actually cared about these!

Revision is key, as is being willing to trim dead branches. For example, from initial concept to publication, it took me around 10 months to finish all three parts of SMT’s Identity Crisis. Within about three months I had an article that was about 70% "finished,” but it was meandering and amateurish. It had a clear thesis but an inconsistent voice. It was difficult to do but I wrote a new draft that cut out much I previously thought important. It was the right call, the new draft, the current text, was clearer and better delineated. Subsequent articles have logically taken less time to write as I’ve gained experience with the format, all but the Odin one this past summer; it took me almost a year after I kept piling on new ideas, observations, and the silly notion to simultaneously reveal a website and a long-secret project.

All the same vocab and proofreading rules from #1 still apply, though scaled appropriately. I must have read the finalized Identity Crisis a few dozen times before it was published--and I still found typos much later, to my chagrin!

I treat article images as levity providers, something I hope helps retain reader interest throughout what are often lengthy documents. This is influenced by the humorous alt texts often employed by defunct gaming site The GIA, an outfit that probably made the biggest single impact on my games writing. Andrew Vestal’s Vagrant Story review not only convinced me to play the game, likely my favorite ever, for the longest time I considered it the standard for a game review. When I wrote the Vagrant Story piece for Hardcore Gaming 101, I deliberately included images similar to those of the Vestal review and alt texts (which HG101 typically didn’t or doesn’t use) as tribute.

#3 Creative stuff

I rarely talk about my original creations, if ever (I mean, talk about defunct sites--but I promise it won’t always be that way), but they do exist! I’ve been writing creatively since I was 11. Much of it bad, but that’s okay! (You’ll never see that stuff!)

We’re all influenced by the media we consume and I’m no different. For me this most plainly manifests through music, historically mostly video game soundtracks. In the past I would listen separately to soundtracks from games I already knew front and back to absorb the tone and mood of the music, which I’d then turn into various ideas (still mostly in notebooks, though that’s changing). For the longest time I thought listening to instrumental music was the key to promoting pure, imaginative ideas, but since Wisdom Eternal: 1973 is technically a period piece I’ve been listening to classic rock and having just as much luck inspiring the old noggin. It also helps that ‘70s rock influenced most of the game music I like!

The previous point made me realize something: when I criticize modern SMT, for example, I’ve also been unconsciously making the statement “I don’t want this to influence me.” Though, ironically, acknowledging those flaws has been hugely influential on how NOT to approach certain things. “We are what we eat,” and that equally applies to consumed media. Some of my older creative works that I now deem to be bad were the result of a limited pool of influences, mostly JRPGs. Very much akin to light novel-caliber writing and concepts, which are often similarly criticized for their extremely narrow range of influences too often focused on literal conflict and not empathetic, realistic characterization.

This post has been going on for a while, but one last thing I’ll say about my creative writing is just how slow the process can be. It’s slower than writing a research-heavy article, just because the idea or two you need to link certain plot threads can’t always be forced out of your brain. In my case, namely the subject of mythology and religion in a narrative, it’s not just writer’s block, it’s about being well-read enough to know (Y) about a particular culture in order to solve (X) narrative problem. Ya gotta read and you gotta read the right stuff, though what the right stuff is will of course vary depending on your own goals.

This was a fun ask that took me just over 2 hours to write, so I hope it’s helpful for you! Honestly, I could have said more but enough’s enough. That said, in the past I’ve tried adopting other writers’ processes to help my own only to find I couldn’t harmonize with their methods. But it’s something you’ll only find out as you write more and better understand what methods are comfortable for you. I can attest, that can take many years. Good luck!

[mannentilminkardemomme]

Dear Mutuals,

This gif set is for you.

I haven’t been online since Friday 23rd, which is quite poopy of me, since I haven’t answered your kind messages and reblogged your posts, which I really enjoy doing. I’ve had a self-induced SKAM hiatus. I feel really happy when I see a fellow mutual post a gif set, text post or a piece of art they’ve created for this wonderful SKAMily. I’ve just been in my emo state and closed myself off from tumblr and the world of SKAM (which you can see from my unupdated blog). I didn’t know how the reaction of it all ending would be here on tumblr, and since my cat has started to refuse being a cuddly ball of fluff in which I bury all my tears in, I didn’t have anyone to be around with physically (except for my cat and horse, but they don’t really understand when I go all emo on them) to help solve my many personal emotions that were raised with the last clip and all of the seasons of SKAM. But I’ve revived myself, and can see myself staying here on tumblr until the foreseeable future. I’ve made too many friends to just shut myself from tumblr for much longer, and I’d really like to continue being in touch with you all.

This gif set is each clip that Evak kissed<3 Sorry for not being online, sorry sorry sorry.

@br1skeby Faen Johanne, min Guru. I hope you know what you mean to me, so I’ll spare you a huuuugee multi-chapter piece of writing to show that (unless if you need a sudden boost of happiness, then dm me and I’ll be on it like a car bonnet)<3 Your writing metaphorically kills me each time you drop a new bomb ass chapter. I’m really happy I’m able to fangirl with you, be it over Evak, Yousana or Levi ;)

@beanievaltersen Hehe :3 As long as you’re happy with your new mattress, Evak and I am happy too :D  You must know what you mean to me too, but we need to revive our crazy theories about what all the Skam Squads are up to! Also, it’s an absolute honour to beta-read your artistry works!! kdjfakd I have no chill about how much I love it!!!

@du-er-ikkealene Elise, you will forever be my soup-bro :D (I really hope you remember why I’mma call you that, if not, I’ll remind you!) Taakk tak tak tak for introducing me to Kensington! They, and you, have inspired me to make cool gif sets of their beautiful, meaningful lyrics, and you will also forever continue to put me in awe of all the various, creative names you make up for Noorhelm :P  (Plus, ily)

@isakschili I’m now listening to Kent on a daily basis, thanks to you, crazy Swedish music-loving girl :*  And you neeeeeed to drop the second chapter of your fic ASAP!! You can’t just leave me hanging on an ending like that-- you’ll end up making me even more mad for your fic than I already am ;)  And, in my lil head, you’re my musician buddy! Once a musician buddy, always a musician buddy.

@julieseven Daaayyyyyaamnnnnnn Sue. You must also already know what you mean to me. But seriously tho... If you don’t, then open whatsapp later tonight, and you’ll find out fo sure then.

@levok I’m on the countdown for roasting the new US Skam with you! That’s the only reason as to why I’m probably going to watch it!! And you have contributed to me writing better Danish and thinking outside the box in regards to theories and all, which is really ace! Tak, tak tak tak!! And you’re a bloody wonderful person to talk to! You never fail to make me snort air out of my nose, which basically counts as a laugh.

@prinsenimittliv Tenna I promise I’m going to write that headcanon for you! I feel really bad that I’ve left it so long, but it’s given me more time to think about different angles I can take it from<3 For every beautiful piece of art you create, I will in return write you especially a headcanon! Alt for dig, girl! Plus, dayyYYYAAAmmmMMMMmmmmm your haircut looks hella fine! :*

@chillerhjemmeisak I keep on saying it, and I’ll say it again: GOOD LUCK ON YOUR A-LEVELS!!!! :D  I promise you that with the power of The Biology Buddies, you will ace them! And that’s a promise! In an AU, we’re running around London in crazy Chris-inspired outfits.

@loooreleii Heyyy youu<3 I also hope you know how kind and sweet and funny and just all the lovely adjectives you are. Your artwork kills me (metaphorically) everytime! I’m so grateful that you share it with us<3  I really would like to keep in touch with you, also so that I can update you with how my new life in Germany will be (Update: I’VE FOUND A FAMILY TO LIVE WITH!!! IN STUTTGART, well not in Stuttgart, in a little town outside of it, but still!) Ich liebe dich<3  Plus, I’m buzzing with all sorts of ideas for the 5 different kisses drabble idea you gave me! Can’t wait to write it for you!

@asflowerpot1 You were the first person I spoke to on this crazy site! If you hadn’t reached out to me so that we could fangirl together, I probably would’ve stayed alone and quite in my own lil fangirl bubble :)  I love how we can literally feel each other’s emotions through the use of caps lock and I just really connect with you! I look forward to continuing our crazy long messages and emo feels together!<3

@eivseank Diana, promise that you’ll remember this: Du. Er. Ikke. Alene. I will be there for you to share our happiness between us, and our sad times. Because that’s what friends do. Please, please remember that<3  I love our long messages about travelling the world and eating 100% cocoa chocolate! :P  Make sure to sleep really well this summer, and to eat loads of ice-cream!!

@isaksredscarf Gael, you da BOMB!.com  Thank you again, endlessly for bringing me into the skamfwn- it’s really boosted my confidence in writing, and everytime I published some little drabble, I always knew I could count on you to tell me how it was!<3 I’ve got an AO3 now, where I’m called tacha_bacha because I thought ‘mannentilminkardemomme’ would be quite long :P  so, yay! This past week I’ve been slowly easing my way back into the wonderful, glorious SKAM world by reading and writing fic, which has definitely lifted my m00d by 110%, no doubt about it. Say ‘hi’ to your fuffy, adorable cat!

@sweetevak Ayo Emotional Overload, let’s keep sending dank memes of Honk vs. Cat in sunglasses :D  Also, I’ll literally never let you forget that you were the one to get me into writing!! You’re a godess! (At least, you’re my writing godess). I miss when you’d send seriously cute lil headcanons of Evak- they were pure and sweet, and just what every single hc in this crazy world should be made of<3

I’m going on holiday to The Motherland (aka. Denmark) this Tuesday for 11 days with my friend who has never been, and I’m not bringing my laptop, so writing any drabble will be harder on my phone, but I will do it for you all!! Because I love writing for you and seeing your sweet reactions in the tags and comments. I’m also bringing a notepad along, so there will definitely be a lot of inspiration coming to me! I’ve already started thinking about writing an AU -whaaaaaaattt???? This is new territory for me, but I’m so excited to be doing it with all of you, both my beautiful mutuals and followers (AND BEAUTIFUL ANON, IF YOU’RE READING THIS THEN REMEMBER THAT YOU PHYSICALLY AND LITERALLY MAKE ME SMILE!!!!! WHICH IS ONE OF THE BEST EFFECTS ONE CAN HAVE ON A PERSON!)

Jeg elsker dere alle! Have a wonderful summer. I really look forward to reblogging EVERYTHING I see! *sends an infinite amount of kisses*

Love from,

Natacha :o)

[peterjonesparker]

i got tagged by @spideyxchelle. which, i’m not gonna lie, i freaked out because i’m totally obsessed with their headcanons.

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: @accioharry, @bellamywarriorblake, @happilyminiaturetastemaker, @jugghead-jonez, @raejustrae, @restinlinguine, @transpeter, @tomhollandcouk, @leslipigeonoficial, @geniusparker, @parkrpeters, @peterprakers, @captainkirkk, @cassianscamanders, @perhalta, @khaleesinthenorth, @casuallywhatever, @wreenbiinee, @dorkynikki, @emmalozzy

the last

1. drink: a mixture of root beer and cream soda because i went to dinner with my dad and they had fancy soda things.

2. phone call: my mom! she wanted to see if her phone was working so she called me to check.

3. text message: my sister, to tell her that she isn’t funny. which is a lie, because she’s very funny.

4. song you listened to: in cold blood by alt-j. i’m making peter parker and michelle jones playlists because i am trash for spiderman: homecoming. that song is for peter’s!

5. time you cried: goodness. uh, i cried about a week ago i think? last thursday was a tough day haha.

6. dated someone twice: lol, no.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: most definitely.

8. been cheated on: nope!

9. lost someone special: yes. in more ways than one.

10. been depressed: i’m honestly not really sure. i had a really tough time for a bit in high school and this past year was really tough on me. but i’m not sure if what i went through can be classified as depression.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: unfortunately. but i’ve only ever been hung over twice so it was really a fluke accident.

3 favourite colours

12. green

13. blue

14. brown? i’ve never had to choose a third favorite color, but i’m a really big fan of earthy colors.

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yes!

16. fallen out of love: nope!

17. laughed until you cried: i’m sure i have, i just can’t remember exactly.

18. found out someone was talking about you: i’m not sure the context of this question, but fun story: once i was at the dining hall and my roommate from my first year in college was talking about me. “i really like having my own room. don’t get my wrong. i loved living with sarah. she was the best.” and i looked at her friend and laughed and she turned around and was like, oh wow! hello!

19. met someone who changed you: i’ve definitely met people who have made me question the way i think about things and decisions i’ve made, but i think, honestly, this past summer i’ve kind of had to reverse changes i think? like, i think some of my friends changed the way i did things, but i don’t think it was for the best.

20. found out who your friends are: LOL. yes. i’ve had a lot of tough experiences with friendships this year that just put a lot of things into perspective. as i said, this past year was really tough.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: yes? if that means friends on facebook, then yes.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i’ve met all of them in real life but some only once.

23. do you have any pets: i used to :(

24. do you want to change your name: i really like my name, actually!

25. what did you do for your last birthday: i had a party with my friends! two of my friends and i have birthdays within four days, so we had a joint birthday party. it was like, the most fun party i’ve ever been to. probably because i knew everyone there!

26. what time did you wake up: 6:45. i had an 8 am appointment this morning before work, and traffic is a nightmare!

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: getting into bed? i went to bed around that time, i think.

28. name something you can’t wait for: retirement? but something sooner: my sister is getting back from a study abroad program this sunday! she’s been gone for six weeks, and i’m really excited to see her.

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: this morning. i’m working at home this summer.

31. what are you listening to right now: nothing because my computer is a pile of shit and the speakers just stop working and then sometimes they do and then they just stop again and it’s incredibly frustrating.

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: my mom’s ex boyfriend is named thomas?

33. something that is getting on your nerves: a friend.

34. most visited website: tumblr? probably right now. but ao3 is a close second.

35. hair colour: brown

36. long or short hair: shoulder length?

37. do you have a crush on someone: i don’t think so. you’d think i would know, but it’s complicated haha. but i’m pretty sure i don’t.

38. what do you like about yourself: i think of myself as a kind person. i also think i’m fairly smart, so i like that about myself, too.

39. piercings: none! i’m really scared of needles, lol.

40. blood type: o positive, i think? pretty sure it’s some lame blood type that only receives other blood types that are the same. but i’m not the super rare o blood type (i think negative?) that can ONLY receive o negative. but i’m also not AB positive which will accept literally ANY BLOOD. i’m also not bitter. clearly.

41. nickname: my boss at school is also named sarah so one of my coworkers calls me sarah junior.

42. relationship status: single, lol. i don’t have that kind of time.

43. zodiac: aquarius!

44. pronouns: she/her

45. favourite tv show: oof. i really like brooklyn nine nine. shadowhunters is entertaining. the 100 was like, my favorite for a while, but i’m peeved at how jason has treated the characters, so less so now.

46. tattoos: again, scared of needles haha.

47. right or left handed: right

48. surgery: fortunately, no.

50. sport: currently? nah. though i do intramurals in college. but i used to play basketball and i used to surf. i also used to do gymnastics and play tennis and golf. lol, i’ve been all over the place.

51. vacation: i visited my aunt in texas this summer! i also went to joshua tree with my friend, so that was super cool.

52. pair of trainers: uh, i have two pairs of shoes that i wear pretty regularly. but one of them is more like, an oxford type shoe?

GENERAL

53. eating: just got dinner at a sandwich place with my dad.

54. drinking: water. i really like water a lot.

55. I’m about to: go to the gym! i like going on the ellipticals because it makes me feel like a 40 year old mom and that is my aesthetic™. but also i haven’t worked out in a long time and i injured my foot really badly like three months ago and it’s still recovering. so it’s nice to be able to be active sometimes.

56. waiting for: my phone to charge so i can play some hype music while i ascend into my true form as a 40 year old mom.

57. want: my foot to heal so i don’t have to limp around when i sit for too long or do my exercises for 30 minutes every day -_-

58. get married: if i find the right person, yeah, i think so. i like the idea of having a companion to share things with.

59. career: currently i’m in school, but in the future? i’m probably going to end up going to medical school and becoming a doctor, but part of me would love to be able to work in the film industry as like a screenwriter or something. or be an author.

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: hugs

61. lips or eyes: oof. eyes, i think.

62. shorter or taller: probably taller? i’m fairly short, so shorter than me would be less common i think? though, there are girls shorter than me...so maybe. hmmm. i’ll just say taller because generally i’ve been attracted to taller people.

63. older or younger: older. though i think i have like a bubble around my age i think would be okay. but not too much younger. i’m not that old myself.

64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms

65. hookup or relationship: relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant? idk, i’m probably hesitant so maybe i’m just projecting.

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: yes and it was not fun. drunk people do not kiss very well.

68. drank hard liquor: lol, yes.

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: don’t wear them.

70. turned someone down: yes.

71. sex on the first date: nah, i don’t think that’s for me. honestly, kind of scared of physical intimacy.

73. had your heart broken: don’t think so.

74. been arrested: nah.

75. cried when someone died: yes.

76. fallen for a friend: lol, literally just @me right now. yes. it was very sad and i don’t think i was given the best advice/comfort in regard to those feelings. it was a weird time.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: sometimes!

78. miracles: i believe in fate, i think.

79. love at first sight: probably not, haha.

80. santa claus: nah, figured that one out fairly quickly.

81. kiss on the first date: probably not? i’ve never been on a date soooo...

82. angels: hmmmm, maybe. i don’t know. probably not like...christian bible kind of angels. but again, i think i believe in something in the universe guiding things. idk man, it’s weird.

OTHER:

84. eye colour: brown! described as both poop and chocolate, lol.

85. favourite movie: pride and prejudice. every time i watch it, it makes me so happy. and it’s just...stunning.

[pennswoodsman]

The summer of hate

Well, I have now been on this earth for 42 years. 41 was perhaps my worst year. It all started shortly after my birthday where I started to get crippling anxiety attacks…to a point where I had to stay home on disability for a week. I always had anxiety, but never like that. I was waking up in the morning with a rapid heartbeat, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and major anxiety. I usually couldn’t even pinpoint what caused it. I would go to work for a few hours, suddenly I would feel short of breath. My heart rate would go up and I would start to feel like I had a fog in my brain. Almost light headed. It was happening more and more frequently. My doctor suspected it was a new diabetes medicine I was on…as this had never happened to be before and I had been on the meds for a few months. Now, the anxiety symptoms did start before I took the meds, as I had a panic attack in 2015 at work…but they were starting to occur at least 4 times a week. Sometimes more than once a day. I was terribly uncomfortable in my own skin. I started to take meds to calm me down. Which worked…but then the insomnia started. I had gone through bouts of insomnia pretty much my whole life…but this was the worst. I would go for days without sleeping at all…then fall asleep at 730 pm and wake up the next morning feeling a little better. But, would have insomnia the next night…and it would start all over. I started to see a shrink right around the time of the election. One of my big fears was Donald Trump getting elected president. I had a lot of issues with fear of an alt right wing government gone mad. Another problem I had was a lot of unresolved anger toward my late mother and other people in my past. My shrink was a good man. We were both ardent Bernie Sanders supporters and he had a lot insight about my insomnia, and fears and exercises I could take to lesson my fear. One thing I told him that I knew wish I could have worked on was that I was secure in my marriage. So, that was something that we never worked on. My panic attacks began to lesson after I stopped taking that diabetes medicine (which was a shame it caused those panic attacks, as it really lowered my BSL to a healthy level) and he eventually left the practice to work with under privileged children. I stopped seeing a shrink because I felt like I didn’t really want to see another shrink and my panic attacks were far less frequent. That was in February or March. I had no idea of the bombshell that was about to tear my life apart 2 months later. Now, I don’t claim that was a great husband. I have plenty of flaws. I watched way to much TV. I would come home from work/gym, eat, turn on a Phillies game and mindlessly look at my phone. If Alba tried to talk to me, I was usually only half paying attention and would get defensive when she would call me out on it. I had a bad habit of pressuring her for sex at night too…especially when she was drinking wine (which was starting to become more and more frequent). I have anger issues. I get frustrated easily. I have issues with getting inpatient with the boys. Skip ahead to the evening of May 25th. I had been giving my wife back rubs for a few days. I was trying to get in the habit of giving her massages due to her stress levels. I gave her one on our bed, then held her hands after I was done. She suddenly asked me if I was happy. I said yes. She said she was not. Suddenly she started to list all my flaws and how she was miserable having to live with them. This was at 11 at night. I was so upset I couldn’t sleep that night. The next morning I thought maybe I would stay home. I wanted to catch up on sleep and talk to Alba about this. I couldn’t take it. She told me to go to work. Saying that “you only wanted to stay home for yourself” making me feel immense guilt that I wanted to talk to her and give myself a day to process it. She claimed she still loved me, but she said it in such a hesitant way I knew it was a lie.

I go to the gym that night after work. I still called her every day on my way. I asked her if she saw us still being married 10 years from now. She said “you will always be a part of my life”. Essentially saying “no” but trying to sugar coat it the best she could. My answer was “of course I’ll always be in your life, I’m the father of your children. What about us?” She hesitated, then just repeated “you’ll always be a part of my life”. For the next few nights I came home and we fought. It was mostly me listening to her yell at me as to what a bad husband I am and her listing all the reasons. I cried and said I was sorry. I made a list of things I could do to improve on one of the first days this was occurring. She glanced at it and said that she didn’t want me to improve for her, only for myself. She angrily said she made me no promises and she didn’t want me to say “I changed for you, and you’re still leaving” when she inevitably left.

After about 4 or 5 days I had enough. I was at the gym thinking about all that had happened over the past 4 or 5 days and I was just fuming. It felt so unfair to me. It felt like I was on trial every time I got home and everything was my fault. I stormed in and began fighting. Alba was shocked and appalled that I dare raise my voice to her. She hid in the bathroom while our sons watched cartoons. I knocked on the door and she was hysterically crying. She asked if I wanted her to move out. I angrily asked where she would go? How exactly did she think this was going to play out? She could just continue to live here the same way we did before…all expenses paid, yet always telling me I was a terrible husband? I started to see a new shrink. About halfway through the first session, I brought up my wife’s…aheam…best friend…who we will call Ringo. Ringo is married to her real best friend’s girlfriend, who we’ll call Scarlet. Ringo is an immigrant from the UK (Liverpool to be exact) and is a self-proclaimed feminist and defender of all women. We all met back at an all hallow’s eve party over at Alba’s real best friend, Janet’s house. They were starting to “chat” all day and all night. She kept telling me that he “helped her with her anxiety” and “he didn’t judge her” and “never used her words against her”. I looked at her phone one time after they were chatting and he said “I love you” and she said “I love you very much!” I decided not to say anything because I knew she would just say she loves all her friends…and for all I knew at the time, that’s all they were. But, I told my therapist that I really didn’t trust this guy. He seemed way to into Alba. Wanted her attention for what seemed like every waking minute and she was always willing to give it to him. They would be chatting while Scarlet and I were at work, while we were home in the evenings and late into the night. This went on every. Single. Day. She kept telling me he had nothing to do with our situation. He was “just a friend”. It always struck me as odd that someone of the opposite sex who was “just a friend” would want to talk to her that often…or even of the same sex. It’s not like she talked to any of her other friends anywhere near that often.

We also began to see a marriage counselor. One our first session she asked us to describe each other. I was positive in my description, she was negative in hers. She asked Alba if she always focused on the negative. She got very angry and defensive. One of the most hurtful things she kept saying to me was that I didn’t know her. I mentioned this to the counselor and she asked me to name things I knew about her. I named easily 15 things. She asked Alba if that changed anything. She said no, because they were just “general things” that anyone could learn via social media. Even though I brought up things that she never mentioned on social media before. I knew she had just decided that I didn’t know her and nothing was going to change her mind. That, and her telling me that “all I ever talked about were women’s bodies” which I admit I did at times. Not my proudest moments. But to say that’s all I talked about was just totally untrue and she knew it. When I called her out on that, she angrily said “What do you talk about besides, music (specifically The Grateful Dead), baseball and Bernie Sanders?!” Three things that never seemed to bother her before but I knew Ringo openly hated. Every time I would try to point out how much of an effect he was having on her, she would get very defensive and say “I think for myself”. Right before we left, she pointed at me and told the therapist “you are seeing him at his best right now”. Sigh. That night, when we were putting thing 2 to sleep, I asked her what she thought of the therapist. She started to get angry, saying she was “taking my side”. It seemed to me that she was just able to see through her obvious bullshit, but whatever.

Anyway, I get home from my first therapy session and Alba is out interviewing a nanny for when she goes back to school in the fall. She texts me saying she loves her and she was in our price range. I’m fuming thinking about how I’m still considered on the hook for these expenses. I’m in our bedroom packing clothes because I was taking our sons to my father’s house for the weekend, like I always did to give her space…and time to decompress. I opened a drawer to get our 3 year old some shirts when I suddenly remembered Alba telling me that she has been writing in her diary. I opened the top drawer and found a journal. I leafed through it until I found entries. She talked about Ringo…how she had confusing feelings for him. She tried to talk to him about it, but he talked her down. They then “basically had cyber sex until 5:30 am” and she woke the next day with a hangover. I literally felt my stomach drop and panic set in. I shouted “I fucking knew it!” and kicked our son’s drawer closed and hurt my foot. I called her and got her voice mail. I sent her a text to pick up. I knew it was going to be ackward to tell her I read her diary, but I didn’t care. I just laid into her. Screamed and cursed, called her every dirty name I could think of. Asked her if she had gone insane? Was this man (who has never had a job, is addicted to alcohol, and has severe mental problems…not to mention married to her friend) really better than me? She said he was going to tell me, but didn’t know how. I asked her how would she feel if I were the one doing this to her? Sneaking behind her back to carry on with another woman. She said “If you found an honest connection with someone, I’d be happy for you” I lost it. I continued to call her every name I could think of and threatened to kick her out of the house. The house being in my father’s name….I asked her if she liked having all bills paid, with a free gym membership, a free car, the free house, money to spend when she goes out with her friends and a fridge full of food. She asked at one point if I wanted her to stop talking to him. I said I asked her to do that months ago. I asked her who initiated the cybersex. She said “what difference does it make?” She admitted it was she who initiated it. I exploded in anger. I called her every dirty name I could think of. We hung up still furious. I went to south Philly and told my father what happened. He said that was a shame, but I knew he wasn’t getting involved for the sake of the boys. I sent Ringo a facebook IM telling him he better tell Scarlet about the cybersex in 24 hours, or I will (big mistake…I should have just told her). He sent me a message saying he told her and that their marriage was dissolving anyway. I tried to curse him out, but he blocked me from his and Scarlet’s profile on Facebook and Twitter (i found out later he was actually en route to having a sexual encounter with Alba when he made the claim that he told Scarlet…more on that later) I spent the rest of the night pacing, cursing under my breath while I got dinner for the boys, got them ready for bed and put Nathaniel to sleep. I sent Alba an IM around midnight to start another fight. She just said she was really tired and just wanted to go to sleep. I said “oh, NOW you want to go to sleep as a reasonable hour? Just have a glass of wine and stay up till 3 like you do every night, only this time to talk to your humiliated husband”. No more responses.

The next afternoon we begin to text each other. She continued to defend her actions, defend Ringo from any attack I said and continued to act like she was doing nothing wrong…and it was me who had the problem. I kept telling her she was disrespectful and if she really wants us to get along, even if we do ultimately get divorced, she should stop talking to this guy. She kept insisting “they were just friends”. I couldn’t believe my eyes/ears. She seriously believed this to be true. Acting like her…ahem…”friendship” with Ringo was on the same level as her friendship to Janet…and acting like my request is no different than asking her to give up THAT friendship. At one point she said if she agreed to stop talking to him, I had to literally never bring it up again. I laughed and said no freakin’ way. She said “I am giving up a friendship. So I get nothing in return??” Again…acting like I’m asking her to stop talking to Janet. She kept accusing me of telling her what to do. Telling me that Ringo had nothing to do with our situation, he “just happened to be there”. I asked her what Janet would think of her cyberfucking her friend’s husband. She said kind of avoided the question by acting like no other friendships mattered to her…and she and Scarlet were never friends so it’s not like she is betraying a friend (only her husband…but clearly that didn’t matter). I ended the text battle with “I just want to stress out that I hate that you talk to him and I feel like if you ever cared about me, you’d stop” Her answer “don’t you want me to happy?” My response “so, I’m a controlling monster because I don’t want my wife having an affair” Her response “I didn’t say that. I want you to be happy. I am not happy and I told you this” “So, you’re not going to stop spending every night talking to Ringo, even though I made it clear it’s a major problem with me?” her response “He’s my friend and I don’t have to stop talking to him if I don’t want to” me” so, that’s your final answer?” Her “Yes, that’s my answer”. That night I began to think more and more about it. I lost her. I have no idea how this happened or how an unemployed, married alcoholic with mental issues somehow offered more than I did…a hard working loyal family man who was the father of her children. The only thing I could think of that he offered that I didn’t was the ability to calm her down when she was freaking out. This was something that I was bad at…and apparently he was good at. So good, that she was going to him for all her issues before me. I knew he was talking trash about me to her while building himself up…i just had yet to prove it. She revealed a little bit at our first marriage counselor session. On social media, I often called her “my hot wife” which she didn’t seem to mind at first, until some of her girlfriends said they thought I should use other adjectives to describe her…which is true. There are a lot of great things i could say about her. Another thing i am not proud of. Ringo, on the other hand, went on to say “you’re so much more than that…don’t get me wrong though, you are hot" which she ate up. (When i say it, it’s being a creep, but when he says it, it’s a compliment? How does that work?) I told her that it bugged me that he said that. She asked me why it didn’t bother me that Janet and her other mom friends said the same thing, but it bothers me so much that Ringo said it. I was puzzled that she would ask such a question. “ummm…because your girlfriends don’t have ulterior motives, where as he does” She scoffed and acted like he was always so objective in his opinions. I, of course, didn’t buy that for a second and let her know it.

As the boys played, I re-read our texts over and over. She said I fixated on things…and that I should only be mad at her…not at him (defending him over and over) I threated to tell Scarlet and Janet. She acted like she didn’t care…even though she begged me not to tell Scarlet the previous day “He might get kicked out of the country” she pleaded. (Der…i was counting on that) I felt justified in my fixating over my lying cheating wife and crumbling family. I felt bad for the boys. They were going to be caught up in the whole thing. The following afternoon I went home with the boys and didn’t call her on the way. I continued to think about it on the hour commute back from South Philly. She was never going to change her mind. She doesn’t give a shit how I feel all of the sudden. She honestly thinks all her lies and sneaking around are perfectly justified and it’s ME who has the problem. I cannot be married to a woman who honestly feels it’s ok to lie and cheat on me. It really hurt. But, I had to accept it. I didn’t want to though. When I got home I saw she had taken down all of our wedding photos. I was expecting this. We texted and I said we could divorce. I asked her if she still had feelings for him. She shrugged and said queitly “as a friend”. (Later, i realized when ever she lied to me, her answers were always in that quiet, unsure tone). I knew I wasn’t going to give up the love of my life without a fight. That peice of filth had no idea how much I was willing to fight. My wife was still in there somewhere. I was going to find her…and free her from his creepy grasp.

The next few weeks are kind of a blur. Alba pretending everything was fine. Acting like I was the jerk if I got upset by things. I demanded to know if Ringo had told Scarlet yet and she just shrugged and said queitly “he told me that he did” which I was positive was a lie. Why did Scarlet “unfriend” and block me but not Alba? Alba asked me how I knew Scarlet didn’t block me herself? I was dumbfounded by her audacity for asking me this (she blocked me seconds after Ringo did). I went on to twitter and noticed Alba was not only no longer following me, she changed her surname back to her maiden name…DiDominico. I got really upset. My best friend Wolf…who I had been talking to daily at this point, put it in perspective. We’re getting a divorce, she is going to drop me from most of social media. It’s just a part of the deal. I knew he was right. I hated having to see her every damn day. We talk about us, but it usually ends up with us fighting when I bring up Ringo. She always rolled her eyes and tells me to stop fixating on him…because “he has nothing to do with it”….which she honestly believed. Meanwhile, HIS opinions were suddenly becoming HER opinions. I just knew a lot of the things she said to me were originally from Ringo’s mouth.

Despite all this, I still love her. One night we have a good conversation. An open and honest conversation…the kind we used to have. I end it with telling her I still love her. That I still want her back…and that I don’t want anyone else…and it’s NOT only because she is the mother of my children. I took our vows seriously. I truly love her. It’s just the kind of man I am. While at work the next afternoon I think about things I should have been doing for her. Sending her flowers was one of them. I decide on a whim I’m going to have flowers sent to her. I wanted to show her that I was serious. That I was working on being a better man, husband and Father. I order from a local florist and look forward to her response. I get a text about an hour later from the florist that they were delivered. I knew she was home. Another hour goes by and I hear nothing. I finally anxiously send her a text asking how she was. I don’t remember exactly what went down, but somehow my sending her flowers and then wanting to hear from her and said flowers was a jerk move. She told me I was putting pressure on her by expecting a response right away. Even though I felt like I didn’t need to give one, I apologized to her. I found myself apologizing to her a lot this summer even when I really felt like it was ME who was owed an apology.

That night I get home and I see she’s texting Ringo. She quickly hides her phone. She tells me she is taking the dog for a walk. I see her quickly pick up the phone and resume texting him. Thing 2 is looking for his own tablet to watch cartoons on. I look around and find our new tablet hidden in a drawer. I turn it on and notice Alba’s gmail account was left open. I look at it. I find a conversation between her and Ringo. It starts off with her telling him about the conversation we had the night before. The one I was so happy with. The one where I felt like we connected again and maybe I could show her I cared and was going to be a good husband. She (I’m paraphrasing) said “he told me last night that he wanted only me. Ever. And I don’t want him. I feel numb when it comes to him and I don’t see that changing. You say you don’t know what you want…that you can’t promise me anything and I know that I want you. I need to feel wanted and needed. And the person I don’t want it from can give it to me, but the person I do want it from can’t. I cry every day and he thinks it’s over him. I feel like I’m going crazy. I love you so much but I don’t know what to do with it” Ringo’s response was what really got my blood boiling. In true fashion, his response was long winded, full of 50 cent words, and sort of went in a circle. But, in his response, I finally could confirm what I suspected all along. He was twisting my words and actions to make me look bad. Telling her that I didn’t really love her, that I was just scared to be alone. That the flowers I sent her were insincere and just an attempt to “twist her arm and give her a one way ticket to the past” He called me a “man bot” (which I later learned was a jab at me being an ardent Bernie Sanders supporter, who he openly has contempt for). He then proceeded to go in a long winded ramble about how she is his rock. That he has love for her that he has never felt with anyone else, but even though he has thought about “taking a midnight train” to meet up with her to run off together…that he can’t. not because he loves Scarlet…oh no. Because he can’t afford to leave…and all four of us are mentally sick.

I then not only finally confirmed that he was going out of his way to twist my words around (which I already knew…I just had no proof up until now) that he didn’t give a shit about destroying my family. He wasn’t thinking about Things 1 or 2 in any way. He just assumed Alba would just leave them for me to take care of…which I would have done in a heart beat. However, this just made me realize what a sick bastard this guy really is…and how messed up Alba is by continuing to carry on with this immature douche bag of a man.

She gets home. After the boys are asleep I confront her. At first she gets indignant for violating her privacy again. But soon it just turns into me yelling at her. “THIS is the man you want?? You’re going to leave me for THIS guy?? Are you fucking serious?? I’m sure your macho hard working father…who had to work incredibly hard for everything he has ever gotten is going to love this. You don’t want me…your loyal hard working family man for a drunken, chronically unemployed mental case…because he’s *now in a mocking voice* sweet and sensitive…and he understands you! He doesn’t judge you! He’s a feminist and he always calms you down!!” I was a bit surprised…as she seemed truly remorseful. She said she really hated herself right now and she was really sorry. I asked if she was sorry she did it? Or was she sorry she got caught? She said she was really sorry she did it…”I can’t stop!” she wailed. My anger started to subside. I saw my wife. The sweet beautiful woman I married. The woman I love more than anyone. I wrapped my arms around her and looked into her eyes. It was her. My bride. For a moment, I had her back. After I calmed down, we had another talk. She agreed to possibly work toward a reconciliation…but no promises. I told her that the only way that would ever work is to cut off Ringo. She needs to end it with him…like yesterday. She said she was thinking about cutting him off on her walk anyway.

So, the next week, things seemed to be going a bit better. I was starting to let my guard down a little. I would sometimes dream about buying her a new wedding ring…or us moving to a new house in a new neighborhood. This whole time, she was still staying up till 3 am every night and when I was awake and home, concealing who she was texting from me. One day I confessed I was still paranoid she was still in contact with Ringo (which I totally knew she was…I’m not an idiot) she rolled her eyes and exclaimed “you’re never going to get over this! Just admit you don’t trust me” I lied and said I did. I really wanted to see if she’d own up to it. She didn’t. She did, however, tell me I need to “back off”. I’m “smothering” her. ..and she can’t be married to a man who doesn’t respect her privacy. This was less than a week after I busted her lying to me again…and clearly still doing it.

Waking up in the mornings were always the worst for me. I would wake up at 5 am and think about us. Think about our family crumbling. Early one Saturday morning I was working I began to think about something she said to me. How I always ignored her. She was right. I used to get distracted by the stupidest, most irrelevant things…that went on pretty much our whole relationship. I sent her a heartfelt email apologizing for that. I really meant that apology. I really wanted to make up for it. I truly want to be a better man…and learn from my mistakes. I came home that night and after the boys went to bed, I got drunk for the first time in over a decade. I felt so bad. Alba drank with me. She was never that big of a drinker until Ringo came along. She suddenly started drinking wine almost every night. While I was crying, she gets a text. She giggles and starts to respond. I get angry. I know who she’s texting…and it ain’t Janet . I ask who she’s talking to…even though I know. She pauses…and says “I don’t want to tell you” I get furious and storm outside. She walks upstairs. I text Wolf about this. He tells me that I really should act fast. Kick her out of the house, close our joint checking account and hire a lawyer. She clearly doesn’t care about me and could possibly close the joint checking account herself or start to give Ringo money…my money. She made her bed, now she must lie in it. I go upstairs and she’s crying. At this point I’m just so angry her tears have no effect on me. We start to fight. She starts to get sarcastic to me back. I said “I’m not the one always having falling outs with various friends” she responded “you have to have friends to have a falling out”. God. I stayed in the guest room where she slept until there was some sort of resolution. It’s what I do. I went to bed really angry and feeling like she needs to move out. Now. I’ll never get over her for as long as she still lives here.

I meet up with Wolf and my other best friend, Ben at the Dead & Company show in Camden, NJ the following night. I have a long talk with both of them. They both had their spouses cheat on them too. Ben was divorced long ago. Wolf and his wife had a reconciliation after her affair. It was really great talking to them. I really missed my friends. My allies.

I had been making lists on ways to improve myself and emailing them to Alba for the past few weeks. I make another one with updates and email it to her. I also find an article written by a marriage counselor talking about how men can change when their wives start to lose interest due to being aloof or other reasons. I send her that article. I come home and she’s furious about that article. I really didn’t expect that. She was mad because the marriage counselor who wrote it had a bias toward making up (ummmm…she’s a marriage counselor…no shit) and it was biased against wives. So, according to her, I was saying it was all her fault (which I never claimed. I always owned up to my faults. The difference was I started to work on changing them right away). We fought. At one point she sarcastically said “oh Ebenezer, I’m really going to fall in love with you now” I apologized…even though I didn’t think I did anything wrong.

Skip ahead a few more weeks. We are drinking together again. This time it wasn’t so bad while we were drinking. Around 11 pm she says she’s going to bed…which I know was a lie because she stayed up till 3 am every night. I take a look at the tablet. Her gmail account is still signed in. I decided to take a look to see if any of the things we’ve been talking about has been sinking in. Was she serious about working toward a reconciliation? I saw an email to Ringo. It was my list of things to do for self improvement…with the subject “He’s on a roll today”. My heart sank. Even though I knew she wasn’t taking it seriously…this was proof. My list of things to make me a better man was being mocked by her…and sent to Ringo who would in turn twist the words around to make it seem like I was lying. Why she shouldn’t believe me. And why he was a better man. I confronted her the next day. Again, she got all indignant that I hacked her email account. But I told her I was ok with a divorce. She choose Ringo over me. She had a golden opportunity to make up with me after the email, but she chose to continue to sneak around with him instead.

The next few weeks we barely spoke to each other once the boys went to bed. She would hide and chat with Ringo. Or pace and make sure I couldn’t see her phone. Then one night, it occurred to me to check our Amazon Prime account. I looked at the purchase history…and saw she bought him a $75 fitbit, a $330 phone and a $20 case. The Phone was ordered literally the following day after she told me she wanted a divorce. I was seeing red. I was so angry. This was felt like the straw that broke the camels back. I stormed upstairs and started to shout and call her names. I demanded to know why she thought me paying for expensive gifts to her boyfriend was going to be ok. She proceeded to tell me how he destroyed his phone, and he “needed” a new one for his business…which I then said he needs to pay me back for right now. She said he’s broke. What?? The guy sells vintage action figures but apparently needs a really expensive phone to do it…but doesn’t make enough to pay it back?? I lost it. Alba was texting…someone…while lying on the bed. I snatched the phone out of her hand and started to look at it, she got up and tried to wrestle it out of my hand. I pushed her back on the bed with my right arm. She suddenly shouted “oh! You want to hurt me??” I suddenly snapped out of my hulk like rage. Started crying and said “you hurt me every fucking day” and threw her phone back on the bed. We then fought again downstairs. I said I wanted a thank you note from Ringo. She said in a sarcastic tone “you want a written note or should he email it to you?” I don’t remember now what she said to me…I was mocking her and she was mocking me right back but she said something that made the hulk rage come back. I grabbed her and screamed “you fucking bitch…get the hell out of my house!” But I stopped myself. I hated her so much in that moment but I still loved her. I couldn’t stop loving her.

I left work early the following day because she and I needed to talk about it. I left for my father’s place that afternoon. I took a long walk to the little bridge by Penn’s Landing off South Street. I walk up to the fence overlooking i-95 and look at the traffic. I think about how my life is suddenly spiraling out control. How my wife was in love with another man, she acted like she hated me and showed me no respect…and acted like I deserved no respect. Like a really unfunny Rodney Dangerfield. I thought if I just did a cannonball into i-95 the pain would be over. I got down and started to cry. I didn’t care I was making a spectacle of myself. I talked to my sister and my father about it. My father agreed to pay for a nanny. That way Alba could move out. I didn’t care where. That wasn’t my problem. My father also suggested that he buy the house next door to him, where the boys and I could move into. I’m not against the idea. I love the Bella Vista neighborhood. I mention this to Alba when I come home and she gets really quiet. She asks what about her? I was all “what about you? You are the one who chose another man over me. I’m the one with the house, the money and the job. Getting a divorce was YOUR idea. Besides, if I do it, it won’t be a few more years anyway”.

Alba spends an afternoon over at Janet’s house. She comes home really upset. I ask her what is wrong and she says she really made bad choices this summer. Just because she felt a connection with another man didn’t mean she had to act on them. Yea…no shit. While at Janet’s house she saw a photo of Her, Thing 1 and me taken on Janet and her husband Seamus’s wedding day. That seemed to have struck a chord with her.

Very shortly after this, Scarlet finally catches that it’s not just 2 “friends” having long late night talks. She makes Ringo block her on all social media. I knew he’d be back. He’d create some kind of fake profile to contact her again. He’d never let her go. One night we are talking about it. I was making my feelings pretty clear…that I thought it was karma biting her in the ass. She got all indignant, so I asked “am I supposed to feel bad for you?” her response “if you cared about my feelings, you’d care that I lost my best friend”. Haha…yea. No…. We spent the night pacing together. She mentioned something I had said previously “we could have been working on our marriage this whole time”. I said “it’s not too late, you know. It’s only been 2 months”. She gave me the same run around bullshit non-response “we all have to work on ourselves first before we do anything” Rich…considering I’ve been working on myself to improve and be a better man since the day she said she was unhappy. It was she who hadn’t done a god damn thing all summer to change…in fact only made things worse by carrying on with Ringo and refusing to even consider the idea that it was wrong. She also told me Ringo getting banned from talking to her didn’t change anything. She still wanted a divorce (I found out later they continued to chat via “meet up” unabated for another week. So it was like nothing had changed, really). She sent me a text which I shared with Wolf stating “he really had nothing to do with our problems”. Yea. Sure he didn’t .

The final piece of the summer of hate. Alba went to walk to dog. She left and my curiosity and driving need to know what was going on got the better of me. I went into her car and pulled out her diary. I read the latest entry. It was a pro/con list of Ringo. The very first row had the following entries:

· He’s a very good kisser · Energizer bunny · His touch is electric · He’s my soulmate · He’s my best friend · He’s a feminist · He’s a liberal · His touch! · I love looking in his eyes · His words, my body responds as if he’s doing what he says to me Even one of the cons were positive in some way

· He’s overweight · He’s ugly (the last 2 are very superficial. I fell in love with him on a mental/emotional level so looks are really incidental) I wasn’t sure what to do. To confront her again would show that I again was reading her diary. But…I knew I couldn’t pretend I didn’t read that. I called her and confronted her. At first, she was all indignant that I read her diary. Then she admitted that she had met up with him the night that I yelled at her about the cybersex. When I took our children to Philadelphia to give her a break, she arranged for him to meet her half way, in the parking lot of a bar in Trenton, NJ. She told me they “just kissed” but me not being a fucking retard, didn’t buy that for a second. I called her every dirty name I could think of. I hung up. Took all her credit cards, all her cash (she like $400…which I later found out Janet gave her after she told her I tried to throw her out of the house in her pajamas. I can only assume she left out a whole lot of the story)and her car keys. She got home and we fought more. She asked if I was going to hit her. I was pretty annoyed she asked that. I never hit her. I pushed her on the bed. She said she kind of wishes I would hit her. I finally followed through with my threat…I told Scarlet all about the affair. She said she knew about them talking. I said did you know about them meeting up in the parking lot of a bar in Trenton? She said Ringo denied that was true. Exactly what I wanted him to say. I sent Scarlet the emails they sent to each other via twitter IM (I took screen shots to show Wolf) and I also took shots of her diary entries. Scarlet responded with “Jesus Christ!” . Good. Alba tells me she was actually glad I finally blew the lid off of it. It was hard for her to be the only one who felt bad about it. I was surprised she said that. I admit I was trying to hurt her too. WE spent the rest of the night quietly chatting. She said a few times she was surprised I was so calm. I got my anger out. I finally did something about it. I felt better…like I had finally struck back.

The following day was a Tuesday. Marriage counselor day. I come home and greet my father who is hanging out with Thing 1 and Thing 2 while we are at our appointment. I come into the kitchen and Alba is crying. I wasn’t to surprised . What she said next really surprised me. She said she wanted to atone for what she did. We went upstairs to talk. She said she wanted to make it up to me. I asked her how…she didn’t know yet. While we are talking she brings up reconciliation…essentially saying it must be off the table after all that has happened. I had already decided that I would only consider reconciling if it was her idea. I had brought it up 4 times and it was scoffed at pretty much every time. It was different. I could feel it. The beautiful woman I married was starting to resurface. Her doppelganger was finally starting to fade away. We told the therapist what happened, our conversation and our decision to stay married. A few days later she said “I love you” on a text for the first time in over 3 months. I rejoiced. Our evenings were suddenly calm. Back to normal in a way…but forever altered in a good way. I was no longer lost in an endless surfing of facebook and mindless TV. I am spending out time together talking. Getting to know each other again. Laughing. Cuddling. Kissing. Holding hands. I’m learning every day to be a better husband, father and man.

About a week or so after our reconciliation we are outside talking on our front porch. We talk about the Trenton night. I ask for her to tell me exactly what happened. I need transparency. There were so many secrets between us for the past few months. Everything should be out in the open…all mistakes. I asked if they had sex. “no!” she exclaimed. I then asked if they did other things. She cried and nodded. I asked of he fingered her, she nodded. I asked of she blew him. She said yes. We paused and didn’t say a word for about a minute. I had my face on my knees. She asked me to look at her. With tears in her eyes, she said she was so sorry. It was a terrible choice that was done impulsively and with the thought that she was getting kicked out of the house anyway. She didn’t know I was bluffing. She asked me why I was so calm? She was expecting me to explode in anger. The answer was simple, really. I already knew it happened. I didn’t know the details, but again…me not being a fucking retard, I knew no one meets up for a secret triste to just kiss (or kiss on the cheek as Ringo apparently told Scarlet…man. She really wants to believe him).

We still take it one day at a time. She also wants Ringo destroyed and laments the whole summer. The whole embarrassment of getting essentially brainwashed in a text book case of sociopath meets empath is pretty overwhelming for her at times. She has found screen shots of Ringo talking about their sexual escapade in detail as well as he telling her that he loves in ways he’s never loved anyone else. I’m sure Scarlet would love to see that. Hopefully I can fulfill my final resolution to the this whole nightmare with a crushing blow to Ringo’s marriage…as he tried to do to mine. Hopefully one day soon.

[scifiphan]

92 Things About Me

tysm @sleepwalkerphan  for tagging me in this! it’s 2am and I’m procrastinating the heck out of writing so this is perfect lmao.

also I’ll put most of the things below the cut so keep reading if ya wanna know 92 fun facts about me

edit: this took me almost an hour to do and towards the end, I basically confess my entire life so have fun reading that lmao. like i seriously have a realisation about how idk what i’m doing with my life hahahaha

THE LAST..

1. Drink : Water #stayhydrated 2. Phone call : mum 3. Text Message : a gif of phil being scared in bed (even my irl friends are trash) 4. Song You Listened To : currently listening to Taro - alt-J 5. Time You Cried : On sunday I cried over a renovation reality tv show (??? yeah idk either, bro) the apartments just looked so nice and the team I liked got kicked off the show.

HAVE YOU EVER..

6. Dated Someone Twice : nope 7. Been Cheated On : nope 8. Kissed Someone And Regretted It : YES (smh @ me) 9. Lost Someone Special : thankfully no 10. Been Depressed : i honestly don’t know. i think I have but am so freaking stubborn at admitting I have had depressive episodes in the past 11. Got Drunk And Thrown Up : YES OH MY GOODNESS I HAVE HAD SO MANY BAD TIMES. DON’T DRINK WINE AND THEN A MILKSHAKE AND THEN DANCE ON A BEACH. YOU WILL ONLY END UP THROWING UP IN A GARBAGE BIN OUTSIDE A KEBAB STORE (it wasn’t even after midnight, that’s the most embarrassing thing) 

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS :

12. Green 13. Pink 14. Turquoise

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU..

15. Made New Friends : yes!! so many new and amazing friends 16. Fallen Out Of Love : nope. 17. Laughed Until You Cried : laughing until I cry is me every time 18. Found Out Someone Was Talking About You : yes (you would think that adults would stop teen behaviours lol) 19. Met Someone Who Changed You : yes, the last year included so much change. 20. Found Out Who Your True Friends Are : Yes. Just gonna put it out there: traveling for an extensive period of time overseas really shows who your true friends are and who are the snakes. 21. Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List : hahahaha yes (too mant rip) 22.How Many Of Your Facebook Friends Do You Know In Real Life :  probably almost all of them (so like 550) only a few on there are my internet friends 23. Do You Have Any Pets : nope and I probs wont get another pet for a long long time 24. Do You Want To Change Your Name : NO!!!!!!! Teddii is a blessing although I would change my last name (it’s two surnames joined together and it makes life difficult because it’s so long) 25. What Did You Do For Your Last Birthday : went out for dinner at a mexican place, won a few dollars on the pokies and then went out clubbing (also i got a fine rip me) 26. What Time Did You Wake Up This Morning: 11am OOPS (i slept in and missed uni) 27. What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night : probably making a gif 28. Name Something You Cannot Wait For : FINISHING UNI AND MOVING TO THE UK (hopefully to do my masters in global terrorism at the uni of london but if not i really wanna get a 1 year working visa and just do some hospitality work before I start a career) 29. When Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mother : like 4 hours ago when we were watching tv 30. What Is One Thing You Could Change About Your Life : I wish I had a UK passport, it would make life a lot easier for me if I had dual citizenship instead of a boring Australian passport 31. What Are You Listening To Right Now : alt-J, a live performance of Taro  32. Have You Ever Talked To A Person Named Tom : I know so many Tom’s it’s ridiculous 33. Something That Is Getting On Your Nerves : PEOPLE!!! WHO!! THINK!! THAT!! IF YOUR DEGREE!! ISN’T STEM!! THEN IT ISN’T!! HARD!!!! (i’m looking @ every friend who does a stem degree and always laughs at how my degree must be so easy because it doesn’t include math)

34. Most Visited Websites : tumblr, youtube, my uni’s website, facebook 35. Elementary : v great time, got bullied heaps but still had fun 36. High School : problematic fave. honestly my time at high school can fill a 500 page essay. being right next to a beach and river was actually gr8, the endless issues weren’t so good. 37. College/University : it has been a wild ride. I swapped degrees so I still have around 2 years left but uni has been my fave so far 38. Hair Colour : PINK!!!! (naturally ginger) 39. Long or Short Hair : long 40. Do You Have A Crush On Someone : nope (which is a shocker) 41. What Do You Like About Yourself : I like my individuality and independance 42. Piercings : 2x lobes, 1x helix, 1x nose. (i’m thinkng about getting my conch in a few weeks) 43. Blood Type : O+ 44. Nickname : ted, teddii bear, sideshow bob, cotton candy 45. Relationship Status : hella single 46. Zodiac Sign : Cancer (aka my birthday is soon hell yeah) 47. Pronouns : she/her. 48. Favourite Tv Show : STAR TREK: VOYAGER WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAVOURITE 49. Tattoos : crescent moon on my right wrist (i sorta don’t like how it turned out but after a year I have grown to appreciate the meaning) 50. Right Or Left Hand : Left handed (aka another reason why Dan is my spirit animal)

FIRST..

51. Surgery : i got a bunch of teeth removed when I was like 4/5  52. Word : baba or ma  53. Sport : soccer  54. Vacation : i actually can’t remember my first vacation. probs Sydney tbh idk I went a lot of places when I was young 55. Pair Of Trainers : probably something Adidas tbh

WHAT ARE YOU..

56. Eating : nothing 57. Drinking : water 58. Reading : nothing at the moment besides uni textbooks 59. I’m About To : I should say sleep but I’ll probably just watch youtube 60. Listening To : Breezeblocks by alt-J (can you see a recurring theme with my music questions?) 61. Waiting For : GoT SEASON 7 AKA MY BIRTHDAY (honestly feel so blessed to grow older and watch new GoT on the same day) 62. Craving For : MONEYYYYYYY. ya girl is unemployed thanks to the bad habit of planning last minute overseas holidays 63. Do you wanna get married : eventually but at the same time it doesn’t worry me 64. Going To Do When You Get Older : ????? ?????? ????? you would think I would have an idea but tbh idk. I’m studying International Relations and I want to do a postgrad in global terrorism. But career wise I have no bloody idea. I would like to work in the UN or UNESCO or for the Australian Government in an embassy. but at the same time I also want to be a travel photographer and just ignore my degree (idk adult life is hard)

YOUR TYPE..

65. Hugs or Kisses : HUGS 66. Lips or Eyes : eyes! <3333 67. Short or Tall : tall guys!!! but short girls are my weakness!! 68. Young or Old : HA haHA HA old 69. Nice Arms Or Nice Stomach : slight preference for nice arms because tummys are cute no matter what 70. Sensitive or Loud : I am both of those things so, por que no las dos? 71. Hook Up or Relationship : relationship (although I can’t relate because i am eternally single) 72. Troublemaker or Hesitant : I prefer when people are upfront instead of hiding stuff from me so I guess that means troublemaker?

HAVE YOU EVER..

73. Kissed A Stranger : yes 74. Drank Hard Liquor : yes (love me some vodka) 75. Lost Eye glasses or contact lenses : not yet thankfully 76. Turned Someone Down : YES! (there is nothing wrong with turning people down.) 77. Sex On First Date : no 78. Broken Someone’s Heart : yes and I still feel bad 79. Had Your Heart Broken : yep 80. Been Arrested : yes (kind of, long story) 81. Cried When Someone Died : yes. although I tend to go more numb instead of crying. idk it’s weird because I cry about everything but death kinda makes me become numb 82. Fallen For A Friend : yes (oops)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN..

83. In Yourself : yes although I need to believe in myself a lot more 84. Miracles : yes 85. Love At First Sight : yes and no. I believe it exists but I feel like a lot of people believe that they are experiencing love at first sight when in reality it is infatuation/lust. 86. Santa Claus : this question conflicts me because the logical side of me says no but the optimistic child side of me refuses to accept the truth 87. Kiss On The First Date : yeah 88. Angels : nah, not for me

OTHER..

89. Current best friend’s name : do i have a best friend? not really. again, it’s a weird time for me when it comes to friends. 90. Eye Colour : um blue with green and grey mixed in (it’s so hard to describe but yeah, those three) 91. Favourite singer/Band : Ed Sheeran, Mumford & Sons, al-J (i love them all a lot.) 92. Favourite Movie : Avatar. yes the blue alien one. It’s lame but I fell in love with the na’vi culture and it kinda helped get me obsessed with scifi.

And that’s a wrap!

If anyone actually read all that I hope you enjoyed my (very) late night confessions. Idk who to tag so if you see this and want to do it feel free to do so! Also, come hit up my inbox/messages if you wanna be my friend after reading this, I wanna make some friends on this hellsite

[twisted-petal]

Death Continued: Part 3

([I’m doing a shit-poor job with timelines, trying to compress these stories/rants. The trip was two days after my birthday)]

Here’s the thing: I kept offering to pay for gas and she only accepted half the amount of one tank fill, I handed her my card and told her to use it to feed the parking meter, as well as buy food and any other supplies she needed, and even had my card when she went to pick up my meds, and I repeatedly told her that she could return home on her own and I had plenty to take a bus home. She wouldn’t use my money. She wouldn’t accept my offers. She refused to go home as she wanted to be sure I was taken care of. Suddenly I am at fault for the money she spent on our trip and for missing a day of work. Puppy didn’t even like her there, and was annoyed at how she was “caring” for me. She also bleached his towel with her weird face cream… Knowing we were staying a night there and that her face crap stains fabrics, she didn’t bring her own towel. ¬__¬ I’m just a freak and wanted to share his things and was intentionally a dick by not bringing my towel… But I didn’t bleach anything!

The doctor at the Clinic was irritating enough as is. She insisted that I had good poisoning, despite me repeatedly telling her I hadn’t even eaten anything and that this had happened to me fairly recently. She prescribed me pills for gas (or something, I forget as they didn’t do anything for me) and nausea (which didn’t help at all, unlike the one she gave me in the waiting room that worked immediately). This illness happened to me twice more.

The last time this happened to me was at the end of December, and the landlady said we needed to be out of the house the next day. No other heads up as to when we were moving, and this was at least three months before she had promised our move would be, as well as a month, two months, 3 weeks, 2 weeks, and 3 months after the date she said we would be moving - to name a few.

We fought for the first time since I moved in, she threw a tantrum and tossed things around as I tried to find clarification, express concerns, and, well get pissed that she kept changing the dates and how sudden things were. We chilled, she apologized, and I went to take a shower to relax before packing.

Feeling ill instead of relaxed, I cut my shower short, stepped out and grabbed my towel to dry off, and found myself on the floor (this also has to do with an ordeal that happened in October). I started texting my mother and wasn’t making any sense, so she sent her sister over to check things out. I was on the bathroom floor for almost an hour before finding the strength to stand, slowly pull some clothes on, and apparently go around the corner to my room - I barely remember getting there.

Mother refused to go near the house. She did not like the landlady and she had been to the house a few times in the past, as it was a place people would go to do hard drugs… I had been told by her son that she was clean, didn’t drink anymore, and just smoked weed on occasion. Right. Mother was also finishing a program with whatever place she was in to prove she didn’t have to go to jail or some shit. This was a house she couldn’t enter. -Side story: She graduated and is doing a fair job at adopting. Even though she keeps lying to me and breaking the damn rules I gave her when allowing her to borrow my fucking car. *supaishi* She isn’t even taking me out to drive, as per the stipulations to using my car, which I could really freaken use right now. She is still doing a decent job at keeping up with paying for insurance and her half of the phone bill; Although, she’s been less prompt about it. *deep breath* I am trying to be patient. She’s trying to adult for once and a lot is going on for the both of us. I’m just stressed.

Anyway. My aunt determined that I was having an anxiety attack. Anxiety, panic, stress, whatever it was, it was terrible. I was stuck in bed for almost a week. That being said, we had to be out of the house by 5pm New Years Day, and it was December 29th. No one could/would come help me. I managed a few boxes on my own, and my aunt forgot that she promised to come help before coming in at the last couple hours to help through things out of my room. I tried calling Corey, as he had come by that night to try to be a decent person (we were not together at the time, but it was the best night we had together. I didn’t have to beg to be held or anything. We talked, cuddled, and slept), but he was too busy hanging out with his sister and her friends (as always…). We texted a couple times after that, primarily me trying desperately to believe there was some good in him, then broke all contact between us…

Just a few days after the move I was informed my grandmother finally went to see a doctor. She was diagnosed with bone cancer and emphasima, and an estimate of 6 months to live - She lasted 3. It was guessed that within three months before this, she had lost a sizeable chunk of bone in her hip and ribs. Since being diagnosed, she kept developing more problem, or they would find new things that were wrong. I wasn’t updated with most of it, but what I did know of was the abscess on her lower back/rear, and whatever yeast infection in her mouth (I can’t remember at the moment, though I would update FB each time I got new information), and a urinary infection that was found after I convinced her to go to the hospital - the family couldn’t get her to go, so when I leaned down to hug her before I went back home, I whispered in her ear to go. She knew that when I spoke, I meant what I said; I spoke with purpose, as I don’t speak often.

Shortly after being diagnosed she had an allergic reaction to the Percocet, losing her appetite and barely drinking (which helped form the infection). She was too haunted by memories of her parents and husband to fight on. Mother did not take me to see her during her last week, knowing she was getting worse.

A couple weeks before she passed I moved out of the psycho house to live with an old co-worker and his three housemates. I needed to wait out her place until midnight when he got off work. She got to meet all the critters. Wistala was first as she also lives with some bone loss, and having her sitting on Grams seemed to motivate her to finally eat the food we gave her. Jackness sat with her for about an hour as she kept dozing off while petting him, he would shift when her hand stopped, waking her up to pet him again. He eventually moved up to her lap (he normally doesn’t like sitting on people).

I took a couple picture of her with Wistala and Jack. I’m also not going to go into detail about some of the things that I found out during this time that we a harsh slap to the face of how much I didn’t mean to her compared to other and all this other nonesense, because, well, whatever now… She would, however, take anything I said into consideration and actually listened to me. I was the only one treating her as her, and she knew to listen when I spoke.

Now… I have no real way of easing into this, so I’m just going to throw it in now. This was the vent post I made on my alt account… Which will be in a new post as it is too large. I’ll be sure they’re posted together and just end this one now. Would be nice if I could actually choose the exact time... Once I get everything written up I'll just post them all.