#they actually have some great moments of sharing trauma together

[gemshroud]

More philosophical character discussions

[dyingswanpavlova]

"Your girl" - Part 14 | The Salesman x Reader

Summary: Life with him is really good...Right?

Warnings: dead dove do not eat, kidnapping, mentions of sexual abuse and other traumatic events in the past, numbness, helplessness, violence, threatening, mentions of blood, mentions of murder/gore/death, body issues, trauma talk, stockholm syndrome, forced relationship, unhealthy relationship, depression, manipulation and low self-esteem, mentions of sexual activities, loss of identity, threatening, penetration, breeding kink, degradation kink, cockwarming, edging, overstimulation, sleepy sex (both consent!), not beta-read, if I've missed any warnings or tags please tell me! mdni 18+!

"Your girl" - The Salesman x Reader Masterlist

Life was good.

Uncharacteristically so even.

There was still a tiny part of you that was tense around him and that was for various reasons. One of them being, that you never really knew when his evil persona would take over. So far you could tell, albeit roughly, but there were always moments, when he would simply snap and there was nothing you could do about it. Was that a problem? Probably, but not to you, anyways. Why? Because life was good.

The little trip to the balcony hadn’t been a one-time thing. In fact, it happened more and more regular. Not only to get naughty, because he was a freak, who liked the thought of possibly getting caught – but also because, as he said, you’ve been such a good girl for me all this time. And I told you, sweet girl, I don’t want to keep you locked away. I just needed to make sure you’re mine.

That you were. Quite obviously.

That one time when you told him you wanted to leave, it had been exactly that. One time. The reasons for that outburst were in the past so far. There were still moments when you feared punishment and rightfully so. But to your great relief, you were both learning.

You were learning not to expect a painful blow, whenever you went out of your way to speak your mind (which wasn’t quite as often as you wished, but you were getting there). Slow and steady.

And he? He was learning, too. He was learning to leave you be and control the wild beast that lived inside his mind and soul. The darkness that surrounded him became lighter every day or so it felt to you. Of course he wouldn’t let you downright insult him, without at least some punishment in sight. But he was working on himself and his behavior. He didn’t hurt you without a reason. He didn’t hurt severely. And on some lucky days, he didn’t hurt you at all.

Slow and steady.

What was probably the greatest part of it all, it felt like a relationship. A real one. Two people who shared a life together, doing all kinds of things, sharing an intimate relation, but most importantly, you talked.

You talked a lot.

And now it wasn’t only through games and the fear of punishment. It wasn’t even only you who was forced to talk. No, he talked as well. The important things were still a big issue, obviously. He didn’t have a name, an identity or a past, when it came to you. But you had the great, undying hope that one day he would trust you. Trust you enough to let you know who he was and where he came from, what made him who he was and what was truly important to him.

Sometimes you’d get those tiny, little flickers that shone through his façade, his tight mask. The moments when the look in his eyes became faraway and distant, when his voice became softer and the tension in his body gave way to something quiet. Maybe one day that would be the version of him that you would get. Entirely and without question. Without the filter to rule out his emotions for him.

Until then, though, you would make do with what you had. And what did you have?

His favorite movie? The good, the bad and the ugly. What a question. Actually, anything with Clint Eastwood in it. Haven’t you seen the man?

His favorite musician? Ennio Morricone. Did you watch that scene in Inglourious Basterds, right before the Bear Jew comes out of the cave? That scene – and that composition – it’s reason enough to watch the movie. Aside from all the Nazis getting burned, of course.

His favorite food? Tteokbokki. But they have to be spicy enough to make your tongue fall off.

You smirked to yourself as you stood by the stove, slowly stirring the rice cakes in a black pan. He was talking movies all the time and that was a language you understood well.

In a minute you needed to add the spices and that disturbingly hot, red sauce. It was something you had cooked before, back in England. You had been scrolling aimlessly through one of your countless apps, which you normally used so you wouldn’t have to think and there you found some recipe that had been viral for a while. A Korean recipe with rice cakes in a sauce, topped with sesame and green onions. It had been quite the ordeal to find rice cakes back where you lived, but when you finally did and you tasted the recipe you had so carefully and lovingly prepared, you found it was worth it. It had actually been the first step into the life you were now living.

South-Korea, you had thought. Why not?

You poured the sauce in and wanted to try it, but decided against it in the end. You’d spend the next hour trying to soothe the pain in your mouth with bread and milk. With a soft sigh, you turned off the stove and served the food on two plates. You set the table with the gentle precision of a lovely homemaker. Even the napkins were folded prettily, giving the whole scene the last touch it needed to come off as…thoughtful.

Of course you never mentioned to him that you knew the dish. He had mostly likely thought it was just another Korean word he threw around and you’d forget immediately. And you had made no attempts to make him believe differently. So, when you began to cook this, it was with the intention to surprise him. A short glance at the clock showed you that it was almost ten in the evening, so he would most likely be home soon.

Home. What an odd thought.

You sighed again and washed your hands. A lecture you had to learn only once before in your life – spicy food didn’t quite match well with eyes.

You glanced around the kitchen once more, half-expecting him to be late. After he luckily gave you the books back, you asked yourself if you should go and read something, until he arrived, but that question answered itself, the moment you heard the door creak open. A nervous smile grew on your face and you nibbled on your lower lip. For some reason, a part of you was still afraid. A tiny bit, at least. It was like you expected him to punish you for good things. For being affectionate or caring.

But the moment you saw his head perk through the door, you knew you wouldn’t get punished tonight. Well, at least not, until you gave him a reason to…or asked him to.

His face lit up in surprised delight, his brows furrowed in a mixture of disbelief and confusion.

“Hello?” He murmured as he stepped closer and set the briefcase down on a chair. Your smile grew somewhat and you folded your hands behind your back.

“Hey.” You took a step closer and tilted your head to the side. “I made dinner.”

“I can see that.” He glanced at the lovely decorated kitchen table. You had put in quite some effort, looking through all the drawers until you found a tablecloth, lit some candles and then there was his favorite food. He looked from the table to you and smiled.

“And what exactly did I do to deserve this?” He raised a brow in suspicion. You returned the smile.

“I just felt like it.”

“So, you know Tteokbokki!”

You laughed quietly. “We’ll see about that. You should try it first.”

He hummed softly and stepped closer. You expected him to head for the sink and wash his hands, which he most definitely would, but before that, he stepped close to you, so close that you felt the warmth radiating off him and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. Then your cheek and then your lips.

You closed eyes and leaned into the kiss, immediately aching for more. But a second later he pulled his head back and smiled again.

“I just know I’m going to love it. Thank you.”

You felt yourself blush and so you averted your gaze. He finished up getting ready and then pulled out your chair for you, like the gentleman he was, or well, he could be.

The both of you settled down and you kept a keen eye on him to check his reaction, the second he brought the fork to his lips. You half-expected him to recoil in disgust, but instead, his brows furrowed and he hummed in approval.

“This is perfect.”

You scoffed in amusement. “Stop bullshitting me.”

“No, I mean it. It’s perfectly spicy, just the way I like it. And it’s homemade. Do you know how much that me-“ He stopped himself and cleared his throat. The filter. “I really love it. Thank you.” He squeezed your hand under the table.

You smiled again and leaned back in your chair, taking a moment to simply watch him eat.

When he saw you were staring at him, he cocked a brow. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Now it’s you bullshitting me, huh?”

That made you laugh. God, how beautiful this was. Just simple, plain banter. Back and forth, like normal couples shared. You loved it.

You loved him.

When you laughed, a cocky grin grew on his face. “Mhm. I still have it in me, don’t I?”

You smirked. “Oh, shut up. For an old man.”

His grin widened and he picked up the fork, bringing it to your lips. Wordlessly, you parted them and took the food in your mouth. It was painful, of course, but you tried to keep a strong façade. And failed.

He laughed and held out a glass with milk to you, of which you took a big, grateful sip.

“Why are you making it, if you can’t even eat it?”

“You like it.”

He hummed softly. “And you remembered.”

“It’s not that hard. I collect the few things I know about you like postage stamps.”

He snorted. “Oh, so now we collect stamps, do we?”

You grinned cheekily and gently nudged his shoulder. “Eat your abnormal spicy food and shush.”

He shot you another smirk and eyed you up and down for a moment. It left you feeling oddly comfortable.

“You’re beautiful.” He mumbled before he took another bite. Your brows shot up and you titled your head to the side. You were better now, when it came to this. Compliments and accepting them. After all, he had no reason to lie to you whatsoever, now, did he?

“Thank you. But why are you saying that?” Not as good as you thought, but better.

He brows furrowed. “And why wouldn’t I?”

You shrugged and he shot you a long, suspicious look. “I’m not taking it back.”

That made you laugh again. He sounded like petulant child and you loved him even more when he was like this. Just…easy.

Easy to love.

“Why are you laughing at me?” He joined your laughter.

You smirked and took another sip of your milk. “If you can’t tell, it’s already too late.”

Days passed, weeks even, and life was still good. Very much so.

Every now and then you would ask yourself, when will things take a dark turn again? You couldn’t help yourself. These first few weeks were stuck in your mind like a nightmare you hardly remembered and yet felt in every inch of your body. Even when you didn’t...

Your body remembered.

He had that in him. That dark, that evil. It would undoubtedly come out again at some point. That’s why you always tried to remind yourself, not to dive too deep into what you called your perfect world. At some point, you’d surely be in pain again.

Though, you had to admit, you were hardly in pain nowadays. Your mysterious man was a gentle man, when he wanted to be and that happened more and more these days. Whenever he came home, he’d make a habit of kissing you and asking you about your day. His smile came out, more and more often. On very rare occasions, when you got really lucky, you even heard him laugh. And not the mock-kind of laugh he’d have so well-rehearsed in his repertoire of masks, he had for the world to see, but the real kind. A sound so unbridled and genuine, so warm and endearing, it made something inside of you ache. Why was it so rare?

Of course he still hurt you sometimes, but that was more of a consented kind of thing. In most cases.

Whenever he decided it was time for you to cockwarm him, for example. God, you hated, when he did. Because you loved it.

You loved the feeling of having him inside you on any occasion, really. Sometimes he’d be reading the newspaper and have you on his lap, his free hand on your hip to hold you perfectly still. You always asked yourself, how on earth did he manage to read like that, without even cocking an eye brow, while you were nearly fainting in agony, because all you wanted was for him to move?

On other nights, and you were ashamed to admit how much you enjoyed it, you’d even sleep like that. You’d lay either facing away or facing him, but often clenched around him. He’d nuzzle his face in your hair and after a while he’d usually drift off like that, his breathing slowly soothing down to a soft sound. Sometimes, when he’d wake up in the middle of the night, you felt him move and grind his hips against yours, giving you the friction you so desperately desired. Sometimes it happened quickly, sometimes it took a few hours and sometimes it didn’t happen at all. But when it did and when it did take hours to get to that point, you’d normally be half-asleep and yet desperate. The second you felt him move inside you, it was as though a switch got flipped. You became needy and…

Wicked.

 For you, it didn’t matter how many times he fucked you. How many times he made you cum. When you felt him like that, you needed him. Ardently.

But in most cases you managed to be good for him, just like he asked you to. Good and perfectly still. When you did, you got rewarded. Which, in most cases, consisted of him going down on you and making you feel things with his tongue that made your toes curl and your breath stutter. He made you cum so good that you nearly forgot your own name.

At times, you did forget it. But odd enough, you didn’t really miss it. Names weren’t important. Not with him.

And then there were those other times. The times, when you got too needy, too desperate and, despite your better will, you found yourself moving against him, desperate for any kind of friction. That was when you got punished still.

Sometimes with a firm slap to get you back on track. That wasn’t enough to make you forget about your need for him though. Normally, you’d just fall back into the same pattern, given enough time. And after a while, he got more creative with his punishments. When he realized that pain was something that you were rather immune to, compared to other things, you were fucked.

Quite literally.

When you moved and disobeyed his orders not to…

He fucked you. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not at all, actually.

That was until…

You came. You came every time with him, which was something you had highly doubted, before you started this thing between you. But to your surprise, you were more than relaxed with him. And so you came.

But he didn’t stop there. No, it was a punishment after all, right?

So, he kept fucking into you, like a feral animal. Even after you came and the pleasure quickly shifted into overstimulation. You got so sensitive, it was close to painful. But he kept going.

And then, oh God, you’d come again. Of course you did. He was good at what he was doing. You came again, shuddering and gasping.

And he still wouldn’t stop.

Even when your body arched into the air and you tried to get away from him, all desperate, he’d continue fucking you, until your mind was a mess and all you could do was stutter and whimper, cry even.

It was one of his favorite ways to punish you.

When he didn’t keep you on edge or withdrew your release for the time being, he made you cum until you begged him to stop, sobbing and whimpering.

Oh, the crying turned him on, you could tell. Because it normally ended with him filling you up to the brim. And then he’d go back to sleep, wouldn’t he? With his length still buried deep inside to keep warm.

Let’s just hope you learned your lesson now, darling. I’d hate to punish you again.

He had done exactly that the night before and so you found yourself lying on the sofa, feeling sore and exhausted. When he came home that night, you were still passed out on the couch, too sleepy to even open your eyes. He regarded your broken frame with a warm, yet subtle smile and set his briefcase down. He took a few slow steps closer and watched over you for a long moment, before he reached for the nearby blanket and pulled it up to your shoulders. You weren’t really fast asleep, just somewhere in-between, so you felt his knuckles gently caress your cheek. You mumbled something in response and you heard the way he smiled, before he vanished to the bathroom and you heard the way the water got turned on.

After a while you slowly blinked your eyes open and yawned. When you saw the blanket, a smile crept onto your face and you hugged the material tightly to your body. Slowly and carefully, you sat up and rubbed your eyes, before you decided to try and cook something for a change. You got better and better at it, considering how little you knew about the Korean cuisine. Yet you had to admit, it seemed healthier than anything you had ever eaten back home.

When you couldn’t think of anything, you decided to be safe and went for Bibimbap. It was a mixture of near everything and also the fastest thing you could think of. But before you even started, you went back to your room to grab a claw clip for your hair. You swiftly did it up and made your way through the hallway, when you saw that the door to his bedroom stood open. You saw his white shirt splayed out on the bed and you just knew it smelled like him. You bit your lip as you slowly tiptoed inside and picked the shirt up, only to bury your face in the material and inhale softly.

If this wasn’t home, what would ever be?

You hummed softly to yourself, before you swiftly slid off your caramel colored skirt and your black tank top, to put his button down shirt on instead. The material hugged your body like a gentle hug and you smiled to yourself as you rolled the sleeves up in the way he would. Of course the shirt looked fairly huge on you. You took a long glance at the big mirror and smirked. It looked like a dress on you, albeit a short one. You twirled around like a ballerina and took in the way your thighs were barely covered by the material. That gave you a wicked idea.

Of course your body was begging you to leave it be, especially after last night, but the devil inside your mind forced you to keep the shirt on and make your way back to the kitchen.

In the meantime, he had finished his shower and now he sat on the couch, with the newspaper in his hand. He wore a pair of grey sweatpants (the damned bastard) and a black shirt. His hair was still damp and hung loosely into his face. He looked delicious.

When he heard you approach, he looked up, ready to greet you, when he hesitated. His gaze roamed up and down your body in a way that made you bite back a smirk.

“Hello, darling.” He murmured, without ever looking up at your face.

“Why, hello.” You purred cheerfully and approached him with slow, tiptoed steps. His gaze wandered up your legs and torso, until he finally met your gaze.

“You look…”

“I thought it suits me better than you.” You teased.

His lips curved up into a slow smile. “I can’t disagree.” He took your hand, ready to pull you onto his lap. But after last night, you felt in dire need to take some action and control.

Not, that you didn’t somehow enjoy it. But still.

You briefly squeezed his hand, before you pulled yours away. You gave him a quick peck on the lips, then took a step back.

“I’ll go cook.”

His brows shot up. “I can-“

“No.”

You hid your smirk, until you had your back facing him. With quick, measured steps, you disappeared into the kitchen, all the while pretending not to hear his frustrated groan.

The next few minutes went by rather quickly. You did a great job cooking up some ingredients and even an egg, Sunny Side Up. You quickly set the table and eventually left some rice on the stove, to slowly simmer. With a soft, exaggerated sigh you made your way back to the living room.

“It’s almost done.” You murmured as you slowly approached him. When you looked at him, you deliberately missed his face and his expression became more and more dour.

“Good. I was thinking-“

“I nearly finished my book.” You interrupted him in a sweet voice, as you sat down on his lap, causing him to freeze for a moment. It only took him a second to relax, though he seemed to have forgotten that you had interrupted him and what he even intended to say in the first place.

“That’s…good.” He murmured.

“Just two more pages. I’ll finish it quickly, before dinner, okay?”

He cocked a brow and shrugged slowly. “Sure. Suit yourself.”

His shirt rode up your thighs and revealed more and more of your skin to his gaze. He didn’t even try to be secretive about it, he was straight-up ogling you. All the while you buried your nose in your book, without reading a single word. You had to save up all your energy as not to smile.

His fingertips brushed over the skin of your thigh and you did your best to keep your expression neutral. And he, he was just…

“Are you-“

“Oh God, I didn’t see that twist coming.” You closed the book and sighed. Then you shot him an innocent look and smiled. “That was a really good book.”

You leaned back against his chest and kept up your innocent façade, all the while the look in his eyes equaled that of a bear with his fish.

“You really-“

“I’d better go and get myself another one. I’m sure the rice needs a few more minutes.”

His hand ended up in the middle of the air, while you practically jumped off of his lap. He let out a soft grunt of frustration, while you slowly swayed your way back to the bookshelf. Of course your hips swayed along and obviously his gaze did the same.

You held a finger against your lips, pretending to think, while you slowly went about the rows and rows of books. And then, what a coincidence, a book in the last row caught your attention. You smiled and bent down, pretending to read.

At the same time, his patience snapped. When his shirt rode up further, exposing just a hint of your rear to him, he let out a low growl.

“That’s enough.” He hissed. You smirked, before you slowly turned and replaced the smirk with innocent surprise.

“What? What’s enough?”

“Oh, stop this.” He slammed the newspaper down on the coffee table and stood up in a swift movement. “Stop acting all innocent. You’ve been parading around here, half-naked and ready to…”

“To what?” You murmured and tilted your head to the side in feigned curiosity. He growled again and ran a hand over his chin. Only then did you see the obvious tent in his grey sweatpants. It cost you half your life not to look down there and trust your peripheral view.

“Don’t play dumb.” He murmured. “Get over here. Now.”

You licked your lips. “But the rice-“

“Now!”

That made you laugh and there went your innocent act out of the window.

“You minx! You’re doing this on purpose!”

You chuckled. “Well…”

The look on his face was near rabid. Only the foam was missing.

“I’ll forgive you this once, if you’ll be a good girl for me and get your ass over here.”

You smirked and took a step back, circling the sofa. “And if I don’t?

He hissed in response. “You don’t want to test me today.”

And for some inexplicable reason, right then and there, you weren’t scared. That tiny part of your brain that had continued to keep up the fear, albeit briefly and barely, was completely silent. And you knew he wasn’t going to hurt you, no matter what you did.

“Make me then.”

His eyes widened and he tilted his chin up. “Oh, that’s a mistake.”

You grinned. “Oh, that’s a mistake.” You mocked his voice.

With a movement so quick that it almost made you wince, he jumped over the back of the couch and stood before you, eyeing you like a predator. You let out a soft shriek and turned on your heel, running and laughing, without looking over your shoulder.

It took him only a second to put his hand on your shoulder, but it took you only a second to shrug him off and circle the coffee table.

“That all you got, old man?”

You could have sworn you saw his lip twitch, but that would have been too easy. He tried hard to keep his expression serious.

“Grew a backbone, did you?”

You raised a brow and smirked. “Oh, boo-hoo. Did I hurt you, oppa?” You hinted a mocking curtsy.

“Oh, you just wait!” He rushed to catch you from one side, but you quickly ran the other way. When he tried the other way, you went the other way, yet again. He gave a frustrated growl.

“What now, hm?” You smirked. “Giving up already?”

He gave you a long, wild look. For a moment you almost thought he was indeed giving up, but then he rushed forward and kicked the table out of the way. It rolled over and crashed against the wall loudly. Your eyes widened in surprise and you took a step back, but before you knew it, your back was already pressed against the wall and you had to tilt your head back to stare up at him.

“You caught me.” You whispered.

He clenched his jaw and reached out a hand. You were sure. You were still sure, that you were safe.

And then…

His hand slowly tangled in your hair and gently grasped the back of your neck. He leaned down so that your lips nearly met.

“I caught you.” He whispered back, before he captured your lips in a bruising kiss.

And you let the rice burn.

A few days later, you couldn’t even tell which day it was, because every day was but a collection of memories you kept replaying in your head, he was off to work.

And to no one’s great surprise, you missed him.

Every waking moment without him was empty. The emptiness was so intense, it left you nearly suffocating. All the while, all you could do was wait. Wait and eat. Wait and sleep. Wait and read.

Sometimes, you wrote. You remembered that one time you told him about your greatest dream.

To become an author one day. You didn’t even care, if anyone knew your real name, you just wanted to touch people with your words. Like the Bronte-sisters.

Ellis Bell, huh? And who would you be?

Hana, maybe. The thought made you equally as sad as it filled you with hope.

But that was about all you did. And after hours and hours, the day neared its end. Eventually it was far past eleven, so you were sure he would be late tonight. Of course you were concerned. As you always were. You had no idea what his job was, but you could tell it was dangerous.

The man in his clean suit and a briefcase full of secrets.

When it got closer to midnight and he still wasn’t back, you decided to distract yourself, by getting yourself ready. You changed into a beautiful, white negligee with a neckline made of pretty, see-through lace. You loved it. The silk made you feel like you were the most beautiful girl on earth. And you were sure, once he saw you in it, he would totally destroy it. Chew it off or tear it down, whatever worked faster.

You did your hair down (it was slowly growing back and you barely thought back to the dreadful day that he cut it) and took a last glance at your appearance in the mirror. You smiled at yourself, something you rarely did, and eventually made your way back to his bedroom to surprise him. On his bed, wearing nothing but the negligee and a pair of…

Where were the handcuffs? You frowned as you glanced around and didn’t immediately find them. You bent down to look under the bed, but still no cuffs in sight. Your frown deepened and you gave another quick onceover, before you decided that they most likely were in the wardrobe.

You opened it and knelt down, finding the knife and several guns in the process. The small shudder brought you back to reality and you exhaled softly, before you sat back and looked at the countless weapons. Had he ever killed someone with them? Most likely.

But for a strange, inexplicable reason, you didn’t really care. Not really. Because it wasn’t real. Not then, not there, not in that moment. What was real, was him and his…

Desires.

You opened your mouth and closed it, before your fingers slowly closed around a small handgun. You swallowed thickly and carefully held it up, only to realize it was far heavier than you always assumed. The material felt cold and wrong in your hand.

Your mind involuntarily wandered back to the day he pressed one of them against your temple or…his. You closed your eyes. The thought of him…

Him…

With a shuddery gasp, the gun slipped through your fingers and landed on the carpet.

There was no thought more painful than that one. You couldn’t lose him. Not ever.

You loved him. And you loved him far too much.

Enough, to be what he wanted.

Enough, to give in to his desires.

You took another deep breath and picked up the gun again, determined to take it back to bed with you. You wanted to surprise him, right?

All you had to do beforehand was to make sure that it wasn’t loaded.

A frown formed on your face, when you realized you didn’t even know how to do that. The thought of accidentally shooting yourself, while waiting for him to come home…It didn’t sound all too appealing, though it did sound like something that could happen to you.

You sighed and already gave up the thought of ever finding the cuffs, when you caught sight of something else instead. It was far in the back of the wardrobe and you were sure, for some reason, you weren’t supposed to see it.

Of course you weren’t supposed to touch his gun, either, but you felt he would forgive you, once he realized you were slowly submitting to his every desire.

Even if it meant him fucking you, while he held a gun to your head. In your mouth…Or, God help you, somewhere else.

You were twisted. You were sure you were. Because you felt it. You felt how the thought did things to you.

But for now you tried to push the thought aside and instead glanced back at the box.

Then again, what terrible thing could be inside there?

Someone’s teeth maybe?

Your soft smile disappeared the second you realized it was possible. You nearly recoiled in disgust. But then you realized, you had to know.

It couldn’t be teeth. It was too sick. Too deranged.

Too…him?

No. No, no, no.

As if in a trance, you picked up the light, wooden box and took off the lid.

No teeth inside. Only…

Fuck.

What was in there was so much worse than teeth.

Your forehead creased into a small frown, which grew further with every second.

And suddenly you felt nauseous.

No.

Oh, no.

You nearly dropped the box and backed away like you’d been struck, the moment you heard it.

“Goddamn it." He sighed impatiently and the door slowly closed behind him. "You weren’t supposed to see that.”

___________________________________

Tag list 1:

@mitsuki-dreamfree @kpopsmutty69 @heroine-chique @vkeyy @mizuwki @blu-brrys @z0mbi345 @yourpointbreak @ayieayee @freddyzeppsworld @lola11111111 @indifitel6661 @salesmanlover08 @laurenbenoit70 @lalalaa2210 @lila-marshal @auspicious-lilana @0-aubrie0 @lovelyaegyo @theredvelvetbitch @violentbluess @muriels-lover @dorayakissu @eviebuggg @muchwita @ririgy @strxlemon @obsessedwthdilfs @kiwilov3 @misty-q

Author's note: Did I lately mention that I love you, guys?

Ps. The Tteokbokki and the teasing were anon requests! I loved them and I hope I did them justice!

[amethystwrytes]

Safe. (Part Three)

Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x Fem. Reader x Lee Minho

Summary: A broke ER Nurse offers up her services to a large crime organization in exchange for much higher pay and benefits that are unconventional, but lucrative. The life proves to be questionable at best, and downright isolating at worst which leaves her feeling unsure, unstable and dangerous. 

Warnings: Explicit language. Explicit depictions of sex (some chapters will be more explicit than others sexually). Violence. Blood. Trauma injuries. (Organized) Crime. Emotional manipulation. Discussion of murder and physical assault. Medical inaccuracy galore. Smoking. Past addiction. 18+ Only.

Chapter WC: 5.5k

Read Part One and Part Two here.

~ PART THREE ~

“Okay, let’s look at the options,” Christopher starts hanging dress bags around the room. “I think this red would look really great with-,”

“No,” you say quickly. You would rather give blood until you pass out than play dress up for a night out that you’re dreading. 

“Oh-kay,” he blinks, then goes over to unzip the next bag, “This one is a lavender number, and I know it’s not Spring, but hear me out-,”

“No.” 

Christopher looks like his eye is about to start twitching and his lips move into a tight line, “Did you maybe have something in mind?” 

“Is there a black option?” you ask. Black feels appropriate. 

“Black option,” he claps his hands together and looks around at his bags, “Of course there’s a black option, there’s always a black option.” He runs across the room and unzips another bag, pulling out the skirt of a black satin gown with a slit that makes you blush from where you sit but you said black - and if you refuse this one, Chris might actually strangle you with the straps of a high heel. 

When you emerge from the closet Christophers eyes widen, “Holy shit,” he says. 

“Don’t start,” you roll your eyes, then turn to look at yourself in the full length mirror. You do have to admit that it fits perfectly, it looks as if it was custom made just for you. The slit in the front is dangerously high, and the neckline is dangerously low - it’s a dangerous dress, you think. Which feels even more appropriate for the evening, you want to be dangerous. 

“You look…phenomenal actually,” Chris smiles.

“Thanks,” you blush. 

“I don’t do hair and makeup, but Jisoo will be here around 5pm to doll you up, she works at the salon Minhos wife used to own, she’s very good,” Christopher says, lining up some shoe options. 

Your eyes widen and the very breath in your lungs seems to deflate, “Minho has a wife?”

Chris pauses for a moment and looks around the room as if you aren’t completely alone in the house. “He used to, she died - she was killed by one of Kims men when she was out visiting a friend. They saw the SUV and thought it was Minho.” 

“Fuck,” you cover your mouth with your hand, “I didn’t know that.” 

“Well you wouldn’t, it happened three years ago, and he never talks about it anymore. He was a complete mess for a long time, barely spoke, didn’t seem to give a fuck about the job anymore, none of us were sure if he was ever going to come around, a lot of the guards left and ran off to Kim of all fucking people. The ones who stayed were well rewarded when he finally started to put himself back together, but he doesn’t talk about it, he’s never been the same,” he shares. 

Could that be why he reacted to your rejection the way he did? Is there actually some vulnerable piece inside him that hurts? You think about this long after Christopher is gone, and while Jisoo the stranger does your hair and makeup. You try to laugh at her jokes, carry on a normal conversation with the first female you’ve interacted with in months, but still, you can’t stop yourself from picturing a grieving Minho, his heart slowly turning to cold stone, uncaring - and for the first time since you’ve known him, you feel sorry for him, and you care about him. 

🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️

From inside the car that’s dropping you off you see Minho, Seungmin and Hyunjin waiting in front of the Casino for you. Your stomach drops, and a mixture of excitement and dread overwhelm you. 

The car stops and Minho opens the door and offers you his hand as you get out, you try to keep it still so no one sees how shaky and nervous you are. 

“My God,” he looks you up and down, “You are stunning,” Minho traces your jawline with the tip of his finger. 

You shake your head, “Chris brought really beautiful dresses and Jisoo-,” 

“Nuh-uh,” Minho argues, “This is all you love, and you look amazing,” he smiles and offers you his arm. You take it, briefly making eye contact with Hyunjin, who isn’t even trying to hide the fact he’s staring at you. You clear your throat and brush imaginary wrinkles out of the satin. 

“You look pretty,” Seungmin says, looking anywhere but at you. 

Your eyes widen, “Sorry…is there an insult coming or did you actually just compliment me?” 

Seungmins eyes narrow, “Don’t push it…shut up,” he sneers before hurriedly skulking off into the casino. 

You’ve seen Minho’s Mirroh Casino lit up like a Christmas Tree towering over buildings on the edge of downtown for years - though you had no idea it belonged to him of course until you met him several months ago. You’d never stepped foot inside, in your previous life you didn’t really have the time nor the money to be spending evenings in a high end Casino. Then, after you started working for him, your nights were spent bandaging wounds, taking inventory of items, and anticipating the next injury - the thought of going out so far from your mind that it never even occurred to you. 

You keep mostly quiet as Minho walks you around, introducing you to people you’ve never seen, will probably never see again. You alternate between being awestruck at the extravagance of the place, politely making conversation with him and his associates, and pretending like you aren’t thinking about his tragically dead wife. You wish you could ask him if he’s okay, give him a hug - just do something. 

“Can you find something to keep yourself occupied, love? I need to have a private conversation with Mr. Jung for a few moments, play anything you’d like, I have you covered Kitten,” he rubs a gentle circle on your back and kisses your temple before departing towards a set of stairs. 

You’re not a gambler, and you’re about as skilled at Casino games as you are with open heart surgery. Which is to say, not at all. You stand in the middle of the giant space trying to decide, but probably just looking like an idiot. 

“You look lost,” Hyunjins voice comes up behind and you and you spin around, happy to have someone to talk to so you don’t look so clueless. 

“This isn’t really my scene,” you chuckle, fidgeting with your hands. 

“I didn’t want to comment on it before, but, when you got out of that car you took my breath away,” he smiles, “I’ve never seen someone look so beautiful,” he whispers. 

You look at him, “Be careful, I’ve been glued to Minho all night and I don’t need anyone in here reporting to him that the second his back is turned I’m falling all over you,” you warn him. 

“You’re probably right, but I’ve got a slew of new ideas for sketches, this dress should be illegal,” he grins. 

“Hyunjin,” your voice is a warning, you lower your voice, “I’ve been thinking about what happened the other night, the kiss,” you say quietly. 

“And?” 

“I feel safe with you,” you tell him honestly, “you’re the first person I’ve come across since starting all this that I’m not afraid of, that makes me smile, when you walk into view all my tension relaxes, and I know as long as you’re there everything will be okay. That’s how you make me feel. All I want is for you to wrap your arms around me and hold me and just exist in that feeling.”  

“Why do I feel a but coming?” he sighs, pretending to be interested in a coin machine. 

“But…I can’t just waltz up to Minho and tell him I can’t be his plus one, and that I can’t continue,” you scoff, trying to think of a word that described your relationship, “Can’t continue whatever the fuck he and I are doing, because I have feelings for you. Can you imagine how that will turn out?” 

“I get that,” Hyunjin nods, “but I want you to know that I care about you deeply, I’m enamored with you, I think about you all the time, and I’m fine just being grateful for every second alone I might get with you. I don’t care if I have to keep it to myself, I keep so much shit a secret that it’s just my normal state of mind at this point, I can keep you a secret.” 

You stare at him, wishing you could throw your arms around him and kiss him, thank him for being such a light in the shadows for you, and apologize for taking so long to see him, and for not being able to take his hand in yours this very moment. 

“Blackjack,” he says, nodding over to a nearby table. 

“Pardon?” 

“Go play blackjack, it’s easy, and even if you bust every time Minho will take care of it. It’ll give you something to do, I’ve got to get back to my post, but I didn’t want the night to go by without me telling you how beautiful you look, or how I feel,” he smiles, “Have fun tonight, beautiful.” 

You watch him go before deciding to take his advice and sit down at the Blackjack table. 

To your utter shock you win four games in a row, and you find that you actually might be having a good time. 

“Evening,” a deep voice greets as a tall man takes a seat beside you. 

“Good evening,” you respond. 

“Good fortune at this table I hope? ‘Cause I’ve been getting slammed,” he jokes and you smile. 

“So far so good,” you laugh, “but I’m sure my luck is overdue to run out any minute.” 

“Ah, that’s the thing about luck, it’s fleeting,” he says seriously, his tone makes you uncomfortable. “Especially when you’re friends with Lee Minho,” he adds in a lower cadence. 

At this you look at him out of the corner of your eye but say nothing, you’ll play out the hand then leave. 

“I will say that it’s nice to see him out and about with someone, we all figured he’d get tired of the blowjobs from Han Jisungs adorable little mouth at some point,” he chuckles darkly, and you nearly gasp at his audacity. “I have to say, you’re an absolute vision, how much is he paying you for the evening?” 

“I’m not being paid to be here you asshole,” you spit, “and you are playing a very dangerous game,” you warn. When the dealer flips her cards you’ve lost, and you get up from the table. 

“Sit down, ___, we’re just having a chat,” he motions you with his fingers and something in his voice sounds so incredibly dangerous that you’re afraid to defy him. 

“How do you know my name?”

“I know everything about everyone,” the man grins, lighting a cigarette and blowing the smoke in your face, you fan it away and look at your cards, “I know your name. I know that until four months ago you were working your ass off at the Anam Hospital until you found Lee bleeding in the parking lot, refusing to go into the emergency room, and you broke every rule in your precious book while you stole medical supplies and treated him in a van in the lot.” 

“Then I guess you already knew I wasn’t a paid escort, so either you’re just a fucking loser trying to insult me or you got a point to make with all this precious info - so make it,” you bite back. 

The man chuckles and takes another puff, “I like you. Know why? You got a mouth on you, despite being so fucking scared all the time - don’t deny it,” he shoots you a look when you start to argue, “You’re scared to death of what your life has become, I can smell the fear on you, but that mouth of yours doesn’t know when to quit huh?” 

“Must be the nurse in me,” you spit, “Do you want something? You got a rash or a burning sensation you need treated? Otherwise I’d like to go do literally anything else than sit here next to you.” 

“Don’t worry, I need to get back to my own date over there,” he points and you follow the line to see a pretty woman staring at him from across the room looking like she wants to leave, same, you think. 

“Then go,” you tell him. 

“I just want to know one thing,” he asks, throwing his cards down as he stands up, “Do you love each other?

“What?”

“You heard me.” 

“What do you care?” you demand instead of answering the ridiculous question. 

He smiles and snubs his cigarette out, “So that’s a no,” he laughs, “Good. I won’t feel so bad then,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets and sauntering off with a shit eating grin. 

“Who are you?” 

The man just laughs and without looking back says, “I’ll be seeing you.” 

You watch as he approaches his pretty date and kisses her, then leads her toward the exit. You have zero time to think about the insane conversation before you feel someone's hand come down on your arm. 

“Get up,” Hyunjins voice is low and nervous.

“Oh - okay? What-,” 

“You were just speaking to Kim fucking Taehyung,” Hyunjin spits. 

“That was him? Oh shit…I didn’t know, Hyunjin I didn’t…” 

“Did you tell him anything that he can use against us?” Hyunjin asks urgently. 

“No! I barely said anything, he was just an asshole, I didn’t say anything!” 

“I shouldn’t have left you alone,” Hyunjin shakes his head. 

“Is Minho angry with me?” you’re scared again, and Kim Taehyungs voice echoes in your head - can everyone smell how scared you are all the time? 

“I don’t know,” Hyunjin stops you in front of two giant mahogany doors that presumably lead into Minhos private office. “Go on. It’ll all be okay.” 

You slide through the door Hyunjin opens for you and feel it shut with a heavy thud. Minho is alone, pouring two drinks and bringing them over to a lavish sitting area. You stay frozen to the spot, unsure of what’s to come. 

“Well, sit down,” he gestures to the sofa and you slowly make your way over, gently setting yourself on the cushion, unable to find any comfortable position. 

Minho hands you one of the glasses of amber liquid and you’re happy to have something to do with your hands.

“Hyunjin told you who you were just speaking with?” he asks, sipping his own glass.

You nod, “He said it was Kim Taehyung, but Minho you must believe me when I tell you that I had no idea who that man was, and all he did was insult me, insult you, then walk away, I told him nothing.” 

“I know,” he shrugs. “You don’t think I have microphones at every table in this building?” 

“So…you’re not upset with me?” your voice sounds so small in the gigantic space. 

Minho’s face scrunches up, “I really fucked with your head the other day, didn’t I?” he sighs, “No, ___, I’m not upset with you.” 

You visibly relax with relief and take a long sip of scotch, though typically you can’t stand the stuff. 

“Kim Taehyung and I have an exceptionally brutal, bloody history,” Minho explains, and you remember Christophers story about his wife being killed by Kims men. “We go through wanes and waxes of feuds, the fact that he had the audacity to walk into my Casino tonight tells me we’re about to march into another period of fighting for territory in the city, but I’m no longer interested in trying to negotiate or spill the blood of our guys - this time I’m going to kill him, or be killed, but I swear to God, it will end with one of us dead,” he says so coldly, so resolutely that it sends chills down your spine. 

“Minho…” you say his name, a sadness on it that you can’t quite explain. 

He looks at you from over his glass, that dark, wild danger seeping from somewhere deep in his eyes. It’s terrifying, but it’s also intoxicating. You don’t know what you’re doing, but you find yourself scooting across the couch, capturing the side of his face with your palm. You kind of hate that it makes you happy when he seems to melt into your hand. 

He sets his glass down and pulls you onto him, his lips coming down on yours, hands tightly gripping your hips. 

“Have I told you how delectable you look tonight?” he whispers, bunching the fabric of your dress up until you’re exposed from the waist down. 

“You might have,” you smile at him, brushing your fingers through his dark hair, giving the ends a little tug. 

He groans then lifts you up momentarily before dropping you roughly onto your back on the sofa. You watch as he towers over you, loosening his tie with one hand and downing the rest of his drink with the other before tossing the glass to some unseen place. 

“Good enough to eat,” he licks his lips and stares down at you in a way that sets your whole body ablaze. You bite down on the inside of your cheek as you watch him lower his mouth between your legs. He doesn’t waste time teasing or playing, he just moves the ridiculous, pointless thong you wore to the side and wraps his lips around your clit. 

You gasp, your fingers flying to his hair. You pant and try to stay quiet as he sucks and licks, the thought of a Casino full of people below seems to only fuel how hot the situation is. 

“Please…Minho…” 

“Want me to stop Kitten?” he smiles, wiping the wetness from his lips and chin. 

“No,” you shake your head back and forth frantically, your eyes darting down to the hardness bulging behind his pants. You slip your fingers under your underwear and pull, he helps you remove them easily. 

“My girl gets whatever she wants,” he chuckles darkly, removing his belt and unzipping his fly, shimmying his pants and boxers down his thighs. He hitches your thigh around his hips and lowers himself, teasing your clit with the head of his cock. 

“Mmm,” you whine, screwing your eyes shut, fresh manicure pawing at his hips to bring him closer, “please.” 

With that, he pushes into you deep and hard and you gasp, your back arching off the sofa as his hips thrust, snapping against the back of your thighs. He grabs your hands and pins them over your head, fucking into you like it’s going to fix every problem he’s ever had. You try to meet his thrusts with your hips, lifting yourself off the couch just so, and it ends up hitting the most delicious spot, you can’t stop your eyes from nearly rolling back into your brain. 

“Oh fuck,” you groan, “oh fuck, keep going, right there…fuck.” 

“You’re so fucking perfect, my perfect little slut,” he grunts, unpinning your hands. He slides his fingers gently around your throat, not squeezing but anchoring you down while he drives his cock into you like you asked. You can feel the whitehot pull in the pit of your abdomen, you dig your nails into his arms and he moans from deep within, he stills himself and spills into you just as you reach your own climax. 

He continues to pump in and out of you slowly, your eyes meet briefly and he’s about to say something when the door to his office opens. 

“Sir, Mr. Park has the intel-,” Hyunjins voice stops abruptly and you flinch, “Shit. I’m sorry,” he says and you don’t have to see his face to hear the surprise in his voice, surprise laced with hurt. 

“It’s fine,” Minho stands and pulls his pants back up while you lay motionless in front of him, out of Hyunjins line of sight, “Tell Park to give me five minutes, and arrange for ___s car to be pulled around please.” 

“Yes sir.” 

You sit up when you hear the door close, grab your panties off the floor and slide them back on. This was one hundred percent you, and you’re torn between feeling disgusted with yourself, and also wanting to ask Minho to come home with you. What has gotten into you? 

“I’ll come over tomorrow,” Minho says, and you wonder if he can sense your desire to not part ways just yet. 

“Okay,” you stand, voice quiet and legs still wobbly. 

“I don’t really let people in,” he says, “I don’t really want to, it’s not worth caring about people when you stand to lose them, but you’re making it very hard for me ___.” 

You’ve no idea what to say to that. The door opens again, and you brace yourself to look Hyunjin in the eyes right after he caught you fucking Minho after bearing his soul to you, but this time it’s Seungmin peeking his head in, “Car’s ready sir.” 

“Go on,” Minho nods to the door, “Get home safe.” 

You nod and turn on your heels, Seungmin silently escorts you down to the car, opens the door for you and shuts it, all without a word, thankfully. You don’t see Hyunjin again, and for that you’re also thankful, though you wager that it’s intentional on his part. 

You ride home, watching lights blur together as you get lost in your own thoughts. You don’t think about Minho or Hyunjin, you push those away violently. Instead you think of inventory, think of stitches, practice them in your head, and think of how you miss the hospital. How you miss the fact that between rounds, white boards, charting, and drama you never had a spare second to get lost in bad thoughts, guilty thoughts. At one point you’d have traded it for just about anything, but now you crave it. You want your old life back. Though you think it’s probably too late for that. 

🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️

You’ve just gotten out of the shower and tucked yourself into bed when you hear the pounding on the door. You look at your phone - no missed calls or texts. The pounding continues and you push the blankets off of you, wrap a robe around you, grab your phone and make your way downstairs. 

You bet it’s Hyunjin, coming to tell you that he was wrong, that he never wants to see you or speak to you or even draw you on paper ever again. You almost open the door, but then Minhos voice in your head stops you. 

If anyone ever comes knocking and they haven’t called first, tell them they have to give you the password before you unlock the door. Hellevator. If they can’t produce that specific word then don’t you dare open the door, and call me immediately. 

Your hand freezes on the handle, “Give me the password!” you yell through the door, your heart suddenly pounding in your chest harder with every passing second of no answer. You unlock the phone in your hand and start to find the only contact you have saved in it. 

Suddenly one of the metal chairs on the front porch comes crashing through the window. You scream, running towards the kitchen for a knife. When you dare to look back you see three men closing in on you,  masks on their face, it’s the most terrifying image you’ve ever experienced. Like something out of a nightmare.  

Foolishly you point the knife at them, but the nearest man seems unimpressed as he forcefully smacks it out of your hand. 

“No, no!” you scream and try to run, but it seems like all you do is run straight into another mans chest, he turns you around, holding your hands painfully behind your back. 

“Don’t fucking touch me!” you cry, throat searing with pain from the sheer volume of your voice. 

“Shut her up!” 

A thick, meaty fist comes down hard against the side of your jaw, you feel the inside of your cheek fill with blood almost instantly and you wonder if a tooth has been knocked out. Before you can process that, a hand comes down on your shoulder to hold you still against the man behind you, and the same meaty fist against your jaw comes down directly into your gut, knocking the wind out of you. Your knees buckle and the man from behind releases you, so you fall to the floor with a  hard smack. 

The men take turns kicking you in the back, the chest, the legs. The pain is so severe you black out every few seconds, only to come back to consciousness for another kick. 

You’re not sure how long they do this. It could be minutes or hours, but finally they seem to stop. One of them bends down, grabs you by the hair and pulls your face off the floor. 

“Tell your boyfriend Mr. Kim is waiting for his next move,” he laughs, then shoves your face into the floor violently, you can feel the blood seeping from your nostrils now. 

You lay there, you can see their boots moving towards the door, shuffling out. The digital clock on the entry table says it’s just after midnight. You lay your head back down on the floor and close your eyes. When you open them back up it’s almost two in the morning. The house is dark, but you see the reflection of the refrigerator light glinting off your phone a few feet away. You lay your hands flat against the hardwood and try to drag yourself. Everything hurts, it hurts so bad, and you have no idea how bad the damage could be. You could be bleeding out internally for all you know. You try again, this time you move your legs just a little for momentum. It takes several tries before you move more than just wiggling your body. 

Finally you make it to the phone, you unlock it, still on Minhos contact. You hit the call button and listen to the ringing echo in your ear. 

“Hello?” he answers and you start crying into the phone in painful sobs. 

“___? What’s wrong?” 

“Help,” you manage to gasp into the phone between screams and sobs, the taste of salty, bloody spit covering your tongue, your lips. 

“I’m coming baby, hold on.” 

Then everything goes dark again. 

🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️

You hear the voices first, though everything sounds like it’s underwater. It’s when you feel the hands on you that you shoot up, screaming, flailing, begging them to stop. 

“__!! It’s me! It’s Hyunjin, sweetheart please!” 

“Give her a bit of space.” 

“God, they really fucked her up.” 

“What should we do?” 

All voices seem to be coming from different people, or they could be coming from the same person, you don’t know. You don’t care. 

“__, open your eyes, it’s alright, you’re safe now.” 

Safe. The very concept feels so far away right now that you actually laugh. You slowly open your eyes and wince at the bright light. Minho kneels before you, an indescribable expression on his face. Concern? Anger? Horror? You aren’t sure. You can feel your back propped up against someone, Hyunjin, you can smell his cologne. Seungmin and Changbin stand off in the background, hands in their pockets, looking at you like…well, like you’ve had the shit kicked out of you. 

“Can you stand darling?” Minho extends his hand to you, but you won’t touch it. 

You shake your head, the simple act a painful one, “You need to take me to a hospital,” you moan, “I need to get checked out, everything hurts so bad,” you sniff. You feel the tears spill down your face, hot and searing against your sore skin. Even crying hurts. 

“I’ll take you, come on,” Hyunjin says from behind. 

“You can’t go to any hospital,” Seungmin reminds him. “Especially with her all fucked up like this? They’ll throw down every red flag they can.” 

“He’s right,” Minho nods. 

“I don’t give a shit!” Hyunjin yells and it makes your ears ring, “What are they going to do? I don’t even have so much as a fucking parking ticket to my name, detain me? Big fucking deal!” 

“They’ll detain you, and as soon as Kims cops get word you’re in there, the only way you’ll come out is in a body bag,” Minho explains. 

The mention of the Kim name floods your thoughts with the deep, guttural words of the men who did this to you. 

“He said…” your lip shakes and you can’t get the words out. Minho kneels back down and grabs your hands with his. “They said to tell my boyfriend Mr. Kim is waiting for your next move.” 

Minhos jaw clenches, though you suspect he knew Kim was behind it regardless of the message. He stands back up and drags his hand down his face, “Seungmin, call Chris. He won’t be on anyone’s radar anywhere, he can escort her to the hospital. Changbin, call Felix and ask him to take the others to the new safehouse and get it set up for her, this one’s dead, no one comes back here.” 

Changbin pulls his phone out and leaves the room. Hyunjin continues to hold you on the floor, rocking you gently in his arms. 

“Even if Chris isn’t on any radars, they’re still going to know what happened to her,” Seungmin nods towards where you sit on the floor. 

“They can tell the staff she fell down the stairs,” Hyunjin suggests but to your surprise both you and Seungmin scoff at this. 

“They never believe that shit,” you say quietly. “I’ll tell them I got mugged walking home, Chris was a good samaritan that found me and brought me in, he can go wait in the car until I’m ready to be discharged, but I have to make sure nothing is bleeding internally, those bastards had to be wearing steel toed boots,” you groan, clutching your stomach. 

Seungmin nods with a sad smile and walks off to make the call. 

“We can’t let this go unpunished,” Hyunjin growls from behind you. 

“And we won’t,” Minho looks down at him with a lethal visage. 

🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️

“What did they say?” Christopher asks as you struggle sliding into the passenger seat. 

“I’m not dying,” you pant, resting your head against the back of the seat. “Three cracked ribs, lots of deep bruising, a few lacerations but nothing that can’t be fixed with some pain killers and ice packs.” 

“Good,” he nods, “Minho and Hyunjin have been calling nonstop, do you want to call them back?” 

You shake your head, “No.” 

“Works for me,” he shrugs, “Did the hospital ask any questions?” 

“Obviously,” you scoff, “but I told them the same thing we said when we got there. You found me mugged, that’s why I didn’t have my ID or anything on me, I didn’t get to see who did it but he was wearing a mask and heavy black boots. They asked the police to come in and I gave them my statement but you and I both know they won’t look very hard. Eighty percent of the cops in this town are crooked, they probably already know who did this anyway. I doubt I’ll hear from them, especially since the address I gave them I won’t ever go back to again.” 

“Yeah,” Chris shakes his head, “I’m sorry sweetie, this all just…really fucking sucks for you. The new house is gorgeous though, if it’s any consolation, I think you’ll like it.” 

“I’m sure it’s nice,” you say, staring out the window, “but I won’t be staying long.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I’m out, and I know I shouldn’t be telling you this but I really don’t give a shit. I’m done. I’m not sticking around to wait for those…monsters to come back and finish me off, or get gunned down on my way to the fucking grocery store. No. I am out.” 

Chris reaches over and takes your hand in his with a gentle squeeze, “I hear what you’re saying, and I hope that you get what you want, but honey - and I say this with all the love - don’t hold your breath.”

Endnotes:

Endnotes:

Taglist: @katieraven @linocz @screamobubbles @hpnsfwaddict @simpforleeknaur @the-sweetest-rosie @hyunjinhoexxx @aeri-skzver @mbioooo0000 @seungminindabuilding @moni-logues @shioriyametho @jamlessstars @tirena1 @bswrldd @chartrucewhore @yaorzu-blog all for wanting to be tagged!! I appreciate you <3 If your name is in bold I still can't tag you for some reason, so I apologize!!

As per usual, if you've made it this far, here is your virtual smooch! Thank you for reading <3

[apoloadonisandnarcissus]

"What kind of trauma, pain and violence is so great that even death cannot stop it?": Reincarnation in "Nosferatu" (2024)

I already talked about this extensively in another post (and even did some brainstorming on Eggers' Orlok possible backstory) but I want to come back to this topic, because this is probably my favorite theme in this film, mostly because it’s left so ambiguous, and I’ve come across more interviews and got more evidence.

A little introduction: Robert Eggers doesn’t want us to know the backstory on his Count Orlok, but he wrote a novella on it and gave it to Bill Skarsgård, for preparation. We know he’s a 16th century Transylvanian nobleman, from the 1580s (“lord” and “lordship”), he’s not Vlad the Impaler (15th century), he was a voivode (warlord), a enchanter/sorcerer (Şolomanari) and he was married, and had a family. "That will never be shared because the mystery of the enigma is better for an audience, but it was important for Bill to have that history." Eggers needs to release his novella on Orlok backstory, because I want to know!

And this backstory actually influenced Bill’s entire performance, as Robert Eggers reveals in one interview: “And while Bill was also doing what I was asking for, he brought more to the table too, particularly with binding moments where Orlok was vulnerable. I was so sick of the tropes of the sad vampire that I didn't want to go there. But Bill knew that it was important to still have the vulnerability in some places. And I think it makes the performance.”

Including the ending: “I sent [Bill] a backstory of Orlok that I wrote. So we came to it together to achieve what I was after. Because I’m so tired of the heroic and sad vampires, I was just like, ‘He’s a demon. He’s so evil.’ Bill was like, ‘Yeah, but there needs to be some times where he has some kind of vulnerability.’ It’s very subtle, and it’s not there often, but it is enough. I think the ending of the movie is much more effective than it would have been without Bill’s acute sensitivity to that – while still delivering on this big, scary, masculine the vampire”.

We have Bill to thank for Orlok’s more nuance performance, because Eggers’ initial idea was cardboard demon, due to his aspiration of making vampires scary again. But this tell us something else (I already suspected): Orlok’s backstory is definitely tragic and sad. Hence Eggers saying he didn’t want the “sad vampire” but Bill said vulnerability was necessary to add depth to the character. And thank Bill for that, because, personally, I can’t stand one-dimensional characters, even “demonic” ones.

The prologue of the film (between Ellen and Orlok) is based on this material: “Most importantly, I was thinking, ‘Who are these characters, and how can I build out their backstories and make them real people?’ I also wanted our version to be Ellen’s story. The previous Nosferatu films start out as Thomas Hutter’s story, or Jonathan Harker’s, and then become Ellen’s story, but I wanted it to always be her story. Our film’s prologue comes from the work I did with the novella.”

When discussing the use of Dacian and the reconstruction process, Robert Eggers revealed Orlok is a very ancient being: "Orlok is an ancient noble, predating even the foundations of the Romanian Empire."

This tells us we are, indeed, dealing with reincarnation in this story, because the "Count Orlok" in the film is a late 16th century corpse, with a whole boyar and vovoide backstory, the sovereign of a Transylvanian county (count). But he’s also a priest-shaman follower of Zalmoxis, the Dacian God of life and death, and owner of the secrets of immortality. Reincarnation being true immortality actually makes perfect sense; and it’s also a theme in one of the most iconic “Dracula” films of all time, “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” by Francis Ford Coppola.

"Ellen’s most prominent evening dress is indigo with lilacs embroidered and beaded on the front and on the sleeves. This lavender hue subliminally underscores the connection between Ellen and Orlok, who remembers lilacs from when he was alive." Nosferatu costumes link Ellen and Count Orlok Interview

Ellen is the lead character, and Robert Eggers says he wanted to tell his version of this story "through the eyes of the female protagonist", and "it is a tale of love and obsession and a Gothic romance” and he even said Ellen and Orlok are "beyond love". What's intriguing to me is why is his Orlok so obsessed with Ellen, specifically. Why does he want her soul forever at his side? Why is he dragging her to her grave? Because this is his motivation in this story. He’s not after world domination nor anything. Ellen’s soul by his side for all eternity is what he wants (and gets, at the end).

I think the answer can be in his interviews about Balkan and Slavic folklore, because there is one idea that seems to be on his mind:

The most important thing was going back to the folklore and the early Balkan and Slavic folklore [...] Most surprisingly, many of these early folk vampires do not even drink blood; rather, they might suffocate their victims to death or spread plague and disease. Some early folk vampires when disinterred from their grave were noted for having erections. Some of them came back to fornicate with their widows until the women died of an excess of intercourse. If they did drink blood, it was generally not from the throat, but the chest – the victim’s “heart blood.” You can still find reports of vampirism from the Balkan regions, where the folklore is thoroughly enmeshed with local culture. What are we to make of stories like this? What kind of trauma, pain and violence is so great that even death cannot stop it? It’s a heartbreaking notion. The folk vampire embodies disease, death, and sex in a base, brutal and unforgiving way. ‘I had to make the vampire as scary as possible’: Nosferatu’s Robert Eggers on how folklore fuelled his film

Which is something he will mention again:

“You wonder what is the dark trauma that doesn't die when someone dies. […] [So you suspect something terrible happened between them in real life and that this story was a way of grappling with that?] That's my hypothesis.” Robert Eggers Reveals the Ghastly True Tales Behind His New Nosferatu

In Romanian folklore, when strigoi (which is what Orlok is and this is his lore) raise from their grave the first time, they return to those they have loved the most, because they wish to relive their life together. The strigoi usually torment them until they are dead, too. Which is exactly what we see in “Nosferatu” (2024) with Orlok and Ellen.

From the film itself we know he was dead and rotting since the late 16th century until Ellen brought him back from the dead and cursed him to be a strigoi. At the prologue. And, in true strigoi myth, he appears at her window, asking for entrance.

The evidence that Ellen is the reincarnation of Orlok’s wife or lover or bride is palpable in this story, not only in the entire folklore that inspired it, but in the dialogue itself. In another post, I already analyzed Ellen and Orlok’s backstory (after the prologue and before Ellen marriage to Thomas), and Orlok never actually took her as his lover, in the sense there was no “astral sex” going on between them, and what she was doing was masturbation and him as a haunting (still creepy, but he didn’t actually touch her).

But still she’s absolutely convinced he did, and then we have all the connection with the lilacs, from both of them; yes, it’s meant to be a visual storytelling device to represent their relationship, but these flowers are also connected to rebirth, and, according to Linda Muir, recall Orlok from his human life. Ellen is also deeply attracted to Orlok, and only him can understand and fulfill her, but she doesn’t know why. It’s unconscious.

“Yet I cannot be sated without you. Remember how once we were? A moment. Remember?”

In other post, I already discussed the use of the term "sated". Because Orlok (being from the late 16th century) speaks 16th century English; where this word is connected to the verb “sit”, as in “rest” or “lie”. What Orlok is actually saying is “I cannot rest without you”. Which makes sense with their covenant of being together ever-eternally. He can’t find peace in death without her.

Even the way Bill delivers this line “remember how once we were?” sounds haunted, and a profound yearning and desperation, almost, for her to remember something very old. To me, this is most likely one of those “vulnerable moments” inspired by Orlok’s backstory Robert Eggers was talking about in interviews.

“Remember?”

The option that makes more sense with Ellen and Orlok in “Nosferatu” (2024) is the myth of strigoi coming back to have sex with their widows until they died of excess of intercourse; which is exactly what happens at the end. And the sound design even made sure we, the audience, heard the penetration. Is this the reason why?

But then we have the idea that Eggers mentions twice: what kind of trauma, pain and violence is so great that even death cannot stop it? What is the dark trauma that doesn't die when someone dies?

In “Nosferatu”, it’s Ellen who resurrects Orlok. It’s her sadness, loneliness and sexual awakening which brings him back from the dead. So, can this “trauma” be related to Ellen’s soul, herself? She’s the protagonist, and this is her story. The emotions we are dealing with at the prologue (inspired by Orlok’s backstory, according to Robert Eggers) are; deep loneliness, without a companion to give her comfort and tenderness. And even sexual desire. As a result she resurrects Orlok with her black magic prayer (necromancy).

He also calls her enchantress; and he was a enchanter in life. And indeed, Ellen displays insane spiritual power in this film; Herr Knock needs to assemble a whole ritual room to communicate with Orlok, and she doesn’t need any of that. Which might indicate, she was an actual enchantress in her past life; probably a Şolomonari like Orlok himself. Von Franz does say she could have been a “great priestess” in Pagan times.

We have a lot of Sex Magick in this film (pretty much every Şolomonari ritual is a Sex Magick ritual here). Which, again, can imply it was their “thing” in a past life, too, because their relationship is very sexual and passionate, which is probably how they were, previously, since they both have high sex drives (and this is what Orlok asks her to remember). Orlok the high priest, and Ellen the high priestess. Two freaks in the sheets (and probably in the streets too, Ellen appears to enjoy the outdoors). We are told she has a deep knowledge of the shadow side of life, after all, and she’s an outsider and completely misunderstood (except by Orlok and Von Franz).

Him being a demonic creature, means he cannot love her now (even though Eggers is also making a difference between Thomas (love) and Orlok (passion)), it doesn’t mean he didn’t love her in the past. Especially since this is a direct reference to the “Dracula” novel where one of the bride accuses Dracula of not being able to love, to which he answers; “Yes, I too can love. You yourselves can tell it from the past. Is it not so?” This can indicate that Orlok did love her in their human past life (or lives, even), and fiercely, deeply so.

Searching for clues in Orlok’s castle scenes with Thomas (I already talked about the multiple sarcophagus in the crypt in the other post), Orlok attacks him in a bedroom, and in a double bed, meant for a couple, and it has two pillows (unlike the Victorian couples here, who have separate single beds). Even at the end, Ellen and Orlok are joined in one bed, Ellen’s bed.

Since this was also a Sex Magick ritual to divorce him from Ellen in the spiritual realm, doing it in this specific bedroom (that Orlok selected for him in advance), doesn’t seem random. Maybe this was Orlok’s and Ellen’s bedroom? And she even makes an appearance here.

But Orlok’s soul did not “ascend” (sort of speak), because he says he was in the “darkest pit” as a “loathsome beast”. And, again, in Old English, “loathsome” has another meaning, connected to “grievous”, as in “grief”. He was in some sort of limbo, and when Ellen called out, he returned to his former body, and became a strigoi. So, their emotions match, at the prologue. And if Ellen is a reincarnation of Orlok’s wife or lover, this means her soul moved on to the next life, and his didn’t; causing their further separation. Which can be the explanation on why Orlok is so obsessed in getting her soul this time around; for them not to be apart, again.

And, if we follow this logic, he probably died before she did, in their past life. And that trauma endured on her soul. She probably tried to resurrect him in past, as well? Or was it the other way around? Either way, someone died first, probably in a tragic and violent way and it caused a huge trauma on their souls, for both of them. Since “sex and death” are the core themes here, it’s not unlikely to find them in these characters backstories, too, I would say.

And can this separation of souls create such pain and a trauma so dark it created an actual monster to bring plague and death upon civilization because of their yearning of being united, once again?

Ellen is also said to be “promised” and “fated” to Orlok. Even Von Franz says to Thomas “in vain, you ran in vain. You cannot out-run her destiny!” Is Ellen’s fate to break the curse (she put on him, herself) or for her soul to be united with Orlok’s for all eternity?

In my original post I talked about the hypothesis of human Orlok being among the boyar rebels supporters of Balthasar Báthory for the throne of Transylvania, and was arrested for treason and strangled in prison (he obviously wasn’t beheaded), in 1593. We also have a woman and accusations of witchcraft as retaliation for the death of these noblemen. This in the midst of religious turmoil between Protestants and Catholics (with Balthasar Báthory being on the Protestant side).

This hypothesis checks a lot of boxes; the dates we have for Orlok (1580-1590s; late 16th century); the age Robert Eggers says he is, at the time of his death (55-years-old); offers an explanation for his “asmatic” speech, Eggers was very particular about (his vocal chords are damaged); and fits the prologue (where Orlok “strangles” Ellen, when he reveals himself).

This would also fit the "revenge on Christian civilization" subtext of Orlok as a plague carrier, bringing death and destruction to the Christian West. Them being separated because of a Christian conflict, and Orlok executed at the orders of a Catholic prince, would add layers of “dark trauma” to this.

Count Orlok bust by Prosthetics and Make-up designer, David White; his neck does appear damaged.

At the prologue, we also have a sexual encounter (masturbation), in a garden of lilacs. And at the end, lilacs are placed by Von Franz around their bodies, symboling their return to their garden. Which is another connection to Orlok’s human backstory, further strengthening the reincarnation theme.

The last shot of the film (while being “Death and the maiden” motif) is also reminiscent of the ending of “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” by Francis Ford Coppola, where Vlad soul ascends to join Elisabeta’s. In "Nosferatu" (2024) it's both, Orlok and Ellen's souls ascending, together, finally united, which makes way more sense with the reincarnation theme.

[arimbaudspierre]

Anything You Knead - Doey x Reader (18+) HCs

Some headcanons for my on-going fic (nsfw!), or rather, just some scattered thoughts I have on how I've written some things about Doey, the Player, and other things. Blown away by all the sweet comments and kudos on it, just to say thanks again. HCs below the cut! Probably nothing NSFW but the fic itself is EXTREMELY NSFW so minors please DNI.

‣ Obviously, Doey's an adult in the fic. There's a tape that says that Matthew was at least 15 when he was under observation by Playtime, with the expectation that he was too old to be likely adopted and that they were considering hiring him when he was 18. Given that Doey was made in 1993 and the game takes place in 2005, he's at least 27, but even if Kevin and Jack are slightly younger than Matthew was, they too would be in their early 20s at the least. ‣ To the extent that that matters though, I'm not sure-- at least not for what I've written. I actually don't treat the three personalities as distinct, I have sort of taken a page from Steven Universe on this one, but I like the idea that Doey is his own wonderfully complicated person as a result of the merging, although I know that the game has fairly unsubtle imagery to suggest otherwise. It's part of why I think Doey is so much better written than almost all of the other characters in the franchise though; in their attempt to create a character that exhibits qualities of three different people, I feel like they actually just finally wrote someone who feels three-dimensional and fleshed out, because people are complicated things who are often compelled by many wants and fears within themselves, those of which may even be at odds. So, in the fic, there is no personality that 'fronts' at different times, Doey simply is himself-- for better or worse. ‣ I do think he's tried his hand at a relationship or two before (despite what he claims in Chapter 3 of the fic, slight spoiler), before the Player walks into his life, since there's obvious hints within the game that the Bigger Bodies project has been tried with more than just the orphans (the whole theory surrounding DogDay's true identity, the Prototype, etc) and there are reasonably other hot-blooded adults sharing the space with him. But, it's probably best left to hand-wavy-head-cannon territory since I don't want to spend a whole lot of time explaining that. ‣ The Player is an adorable little bombshell so Doey is quite correct when he calls them pretty. I did a quick lil' drawing of them, taking some fashion cues that I would have worn in 2005 (but much less layering. I am so glad we are over putting flared skirts over flared jeans). They are Hispanic, 28/29ish, and you know we gotta do the pale nude lipstick and sequin 'Angel' shirt. They are based on a Bratz doll, although I don't think the Player is a toy, just a cute little nod to that theory.

‣ I think the Player was an intern or a small-time assistant at Playtime, although I know there are nods within the game that suggest otherwise. There's a part where I wrote that they used to fetch coffee for Harley at some point. If that's true, I know it's possible that they know of Doey, but I really want to put some distance between the Player and Doey in the early days. Would make for some great angst, though, and probably would be better set up for romance if they'd been friends. Someone take that idea and write it for me! ‣ The Player is selectively mute. They can talk, but I think it's rare for them to speak even in their everyday life, and the trauma they've endured at Playtime is pushing that to the extreme. Doey is great at interpreting what they mean, though, and being mute doesn't stop them from talking about their feelings. ‣ The Player's candidness in inner dialogue is also inspired by how my friends and I spoke in 2005. Sick! ‣ One thing that I have loved writing is that both the Player and Doey have aspirations beyond falling in love and sharing intimate moments together. They are both there to do what they need to do, and although it's clear that something is brewing between them, that unfortunately cannot stop what's to come. ‣ I know a lot of you really want it to be a fix-it fic, but I hope that you trust that what I have for the ending must be what it is-- love is not without sacrifice, but I think the core of the issue is that in the actual game, we don't know why the sacrifice was made (narratively, because we are in the dark about the Player's motivations and Poppy's motivations, and thematically, because Doey's crash-out and our conflict with Poppy is largely due to miscommunication). This doesn't leave us feeling like the Chapter had a good conclusion, even though stories can have feel concluded without it being one where everyone we like lives and good, sensible decisions were made. I initially just wanted to write a one-off little smut story, but since I'm tackling some plot, my terms will be that I want to give the canon ending set up that makes the pay off feel earned, but bittersweet. ‣ That being said, 100% I'm rooting for him to return in the next game. :) You can count on more stories if so. That's the end! If you read all this way, thank you. Please share some HCs with me, if you have them, I love any and everything about this stupid doughman. The next chapter of the fic is almost done, and because I am a loving and fair god, it is mostly fluff, and we will get to the angst in the chapter afterwards. Don't say I don't do anything for you guys. Bonus: here's what I listened to almost on repeat while writing the next chapter. -arim

[imdead770]

Dallas with a s/o who lived in NYC too and has a similar accent as him pls🙏🙏 (Also I love love love you’re writing keep doing what you’re doing!!!)

Dallas Winston x Reader - NYC

Authors Note - I have like 3 asks before this but I love this and it means it get to write a NY accent and that's so fun

Sorry for never writing yall

No excuse I'm just lazy 💞

¤ Just a warning this is super stereotypical

¤ I'm sorry I'm from the south I don't know yall so I'm going off stereotypes 😭😭

¤ First of all people can barely understand either of you

¤ I mean everyone else has a southern accent, they're used to that

¤ So an accent that sounds like you're drunk 24/7 isn't exactly easy to understand

¤ If you're both from New York, you already have a lot in common

¤ The fights, the accent, the road rage, the food, all that

¤ Now I'm from the south, I haven't met a lot of New Yorkers

¤ But the ones I have met always have such a resting bitch face

¤ So like whenever someone introduced you to Dal (or the other way around) you both had that same, natural glare

¤ And somehow you both got the 'holy shit, you're a New Yorker too??' message

¤ I don't know how but New Yorkers just know if you're a New Yorker

¤ It's like a 6th sense

¤ So naturally you're both mean to each other

¤ The others are like 'oh shirt they hate each other'

¤ You don't

¤ Like eventually you leave and Dals all

"She ain't bad."

¤ And everyone's all

"You just insulted each other like.. 25 times?"

¤ And he just nods and lights a cigarette like he didn't just meet his second favorite person in this town

¤ Naturally you both see each other at some pizza place

¤ Probably one that's closest to greasy NY pizza

¤ This is meant as a compliment, yall have such good pizza omfg

¤ You both realize just how much you have in common

¤ How thick the air is, the random guy getting his ass beat as you're just minding your business, the fact nobody here can understand certain words you say

¤ You two understand each other

¤ If Dallas would ever open up to someone about his trauma (he wouldn't), it'd be you

¤ He knows you've seen at least a sliver of the same shit he did

¤ Anyways, both of yall love to hype of New York together

¤ Like really play into the stereotypes

"Oh ya', a rat nearly ate m' face off once"

"WHAT??"

"Happen'd to me, too"

¤ You both think it's hilarious

¤ Plus yall love to make your accents thicker to confuse people more

¤ Slur the vowels together, mumble more then you need to, then watch people try to figure out what the fuck you just said

¤ Dal gets all mad if someone asks him to lighten up the accent

¤ I think you both like hanging out together because it reminds the other of home

¤ Like Dal almost forgot what a New Yorker who wasn't him sounded like

¤ Plus if Dal ever met your parents, even though he's rude and kind of dangerous, they might tolerate him more

¤ Yall intumidate so many people omg

¤ Like half of that town are sweet southern people

¤ So seeing two New Yorkers you get the classic

"Ew, they're yankees"

¤ Yes we really do say that 👍

¤ But people get all scared cuz they're like 'omg they're gonna shoot me'

¤ Again, you both think it's the funniest shit

¤ Like being yelled at by a New Yorker is scary enough

¤ But TWO

¤ It's like you two are so intimidating together it's perfect

¤ Of course Dal asks you on a date to some pizza place and you two walk around the block sharing a cigarette

¤ Another thing

¤ You're actually used to the cold and he's so, so grateful for that

¤ Everyone else in Oklahoma gets all shivery the moment it's less then 60

¤ Like you don't complain about it and he loves that so much

¤ Back to the topic

¤ Date goes great

¤ Once you two become a thing you fight a good amount

¤ I mean you're from the North, it's natural (I think?? This might be stereotypical so sorry)

¤ Even people from the South fight with Dal so this isn't any different

¤ But since you're both used to fights the insults are crazy

¤ Like the gangs jaws have dropped hundreds of times with what the two of yall come up with

¤ Like it's the most foul, disturbingly impressive, heart breaking insults

¤ Then the other returns it with a snicker and another just as horrendously good insult

¤ Match made in heaven

[bedtimegiraffe]

I finally figured out why all the party members in Book 2 come out as so frustratingly self-focused to me.

It's not because they're all struggling with their own stuff. It's all about shelving your agenda- that thing in a relationship where you go, 'You need my support right now, so we're going to worry about my thing later.'

And MC does this constantly.

I just barely escaped death and found out a year passed, but is Kade recovered from the Shadow Court?

I just almost drowned, but it's time to comfort this owlbear cub and unpack Valax's trauma!

I just almost died twice to the Ash Empress, but is Nia coping with being corrupted okay?

Which can be okay. Shelving your agenda is part of a healthy relationship of any kind.

The problem is that no one does it back. I think Tyril and Nia kind of sum up the whole group's attitude:

But I don't think MC was ever going to be 'ready.' Someone else was always going to have to 'unshelve' it for them and make an effort to put the focus on MC.

Now, adventurers don't tend to be particularly well adjusted people. The full party has got maybe 1.5 healthy childhoods and 4 living parents between them (judged pretty generously). But it still feels like the others can't get it together enough to ask if MC is okay. Not that MC really makes it easy! I see MC as someone who is so used to pushing their feelings down to focus on whatever work is in front of them, they almost can't access their own emotions.

Which is why we had the brief glimpses of panic and the breakdown moment in Chapter 17. I think the breakdown makes sense mechanically. Kade is the one character your MC is guaranteed to have a strong connection to and this way it's not gated behind any diamond choices (like some really crucial character moments with Aerin and Valax, no I'm not bitter about it). But that makes it feel like the whole party has been neglecting MC while Kade immediately sees MC and goes, "Dude, you are not okay. Talk to me.'

And MC tries to turn it into comforting Kade! Kade has to actively argue with MC to make them actually acknowledge that they're having a hard time.

MC for some reason can't or won't talk about their own trauma and Kade (who's only been around for 5 minutes) is the one who has to actively force the issue for MC's own good. Which is not a great look for the rest of the found family.

Afterward, Mal and Nia both seem to address it without really getting the point. Mal says, "We know things didn't go the way any of us wanted." (Which could mean... anything. But I'm feeling generous.)

Protecting MC from death is not an equivalent exchange to talking about feelings! It is in fact dodging the feelings by focusing on practicalities again! Y'all better get it together in Book 3, I swear.

Overall, MC constantly delays addressing their own vulnerability and issues to focus on everyone else. And the others don't know how to do the same thing for MC, so the pattern just gets more engrained and damaging.

Except for Kade, my perfect boy.

Sources (they're fun, I promise!):

Screenshots from Neckrone Shen's playthroughs of Blades on YouTube, my go-to for whenever I can't remember something or don't have the screenshots myself.

I think @oh-so-youre-a-nerd's incredible piece 'Take Take Take' kept rattling around in my head until I figured out how to articulate why it felt this way: https://www.tumblr.com/oh-so-youre-a-nerd/736449955360899072/take-take-take?source=share

The language of 'shelving your agenda' came from the very good Cinema Therapy video about Kristoff from Frozen:

[asunsetgrace16]

Alright, 9-1-1 Bucktommy fans, It's time for my tinfoil hat moment. (this is the only thing keeping me sane rn)

So. Based on 8x06, it's easiest and the least painful to assume that Bucktommy is done for good.

HOWEVER...it is not out of the realm of possibility that those interviews were supposed to hit the way they did and they are really just fucking with us. OS's interview was less than ideal in multiple ways, unfortunately. If we follow with this, there may be a chance for them to get back together. Or if they are well and truly done, the chance for them to have an actual conversation about it. So here is my proposal:

8x07 is "Tommy Begins", set a few months after 8x06. In the present day, there is a multi-alarm emergency where the 217 and 118 are both there. In the flashbacks, we see Tommy in the army, facing indirect homophobia while trying to figure himself out.

Then his time at the 118 with Gerrard as captain, dealing with the same thing from the army. We see him try dating as a gay man, getting his first serious boyfriend circa ~2012-13. And thanks to the idea from @honestlynervousnut, it doesn't go well. It's abusive, manipulative, and when Tommy gets out of it, he tries to bury that part of him for good, associating moving in with a relationship going downhill. Thus enters Abby and the trauma etc.

We see him apologizing to Chim and Hen, and getting settled at the 217 while finally feeling comfortable with himself and his sexuality. Maybe there is another boyfriend or a few dates.

Present Day: The emergency is a nightmare, and it only gets worse when Tommy's helicopter crashes. Buck, despite trying to forget about his pain by sleeping around, still can't forget about Tommy. He's done some growing, some reflecting in there too. He drops what he's doing to run to Tommy. They get him to the hospital alive, but barely, maybe sprinkling in Tommy coding en route. Then they pull a Tarlos and have Buck talk to him while he's in a coma about how he still loves him, and wants to fight for them, and how he would be willing to start over if Tommy would just wake up.

The episode ends with Tommy squeezing Buck's hand and saying "Evan..."

THEN, just hold on, I'm not done yet.

8x08, we see Buck and Tommy have a heartbreakingly honest conversation while Tommy is in the hospital about Tommy's past relationships, his actual hesitation and reluctance to want to be with Buck. And Buck talks about how even though he thought he was secure in his sexuality, he wasn't actively trying to understand how to figure out what changed about him and what stayed the same while, sharing his growth too. Buck will bring up the line "you don't find a great love, you make it" and after the tears and the confessions, Buck says "I've never stopped loving you. And I won't, no matter how this ends, because as much as Abby was transformative, you blew my mind wide open to things that I never knew I could have." Buck gets his third chance, and they do say that the third time's the charm. He says the things he should have said last time.

Then there is more tears, Tommy says I love you back, and apologizes, and agrees to start over. Copy and paste Carlos holding on to TK's arm with a hand in his hair, but with Buck, and they kiss. Finally.

Then the camera pans to a shot of Bobby, Athena, Eddie, Chim, Lucy, and whoever else standing in the doorway/looking through the window but they can still hear all of Buck's speech, of Tommy's room, tears in their eyes and smiles on their faces.

Then the episode continues. Thanks for coming to my delusional TedTalk

[richincolor]

The Hysterical Girls of St. Bernadette's by Hanna Alkaf Salaam Reads/ Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers

Publisher Summary: An all-girls school is struck with mysterious cases of screaming hysteria in this chilling dark academia thriller haunted by a deeply buried history clawing to the light.

For over a hundred years, girls have fought to attend St. Bernadette’s, with its reputation for shaping only the best and brightest young women.

Unfortunately, there is also the screaming.

When a student begins to scream in the middle of class, a chain reaction starts that impacts the entire school. By the end of the day, seventeen girls are affected—along with St. Bernadette’s stellar reputation.

Khadijah’s got her own scars to tend to, and watching her friends succumb to hysteria only rips apart wounds she’d rather keep closed. But when her sister falls to the screams, Khad knows she’s the only one who can save her. Rachel has always been far too occupied trying to reconcile her overbearing mother’s expectations with her own secret ambitions to pay attention to school antics. But just as Rachel finds her voice, it turns into screams.

Together, the two girls find themselves digging deeper into the school’s dark history, hunting for the truth. Little do they know that a specter lurks in the darkness, watching, waiting, and hungry for its next victim…

Note from author -- "It includes discussions and descriptions of sexual assault, trauma and PTSD. If this is too much for you right now, please set this book down and come back to it when you can. There is no shame in protecting your scars." 

My Thoughts: Even before beginning, my worries went down a bit after reading the note from the author. I am not a person who reads horror as a general rule, but for some reason knowing what was coming, helped prepare me and also let me know that the author had thought ahead to care for the readers. This made me more willing to dive in even though scary books are not what I usually grab first. 

There are definitely creepy and rather horrifying moments within the pages of this book, but it was also incredibly intriguing. It has Salem witch trial vibes with what seems like random hysteria and it's not something easily explained. When there is so much that is unknowable, there is a lot of room for imaginations to run rampant. 

The author shares the story through two perspectives and that choice helps readers see everything unfolding from very different contexts. And there are many layers to what is happening so it is good to have more than one way to pick up the clues that are scattered here and there. 

Like the characters, readers are likely to wonder if this is all created or manifested due to humans and their own issues or whether there may be some monsters lurking about. The answer is a complex one that I will obviously not reveal, but the many moments of wondering kept me flipping the pages rapidly. 

Beyond the actual screaming, there are questions or ponderings about how girls are perceived, how they are meant to act, who listens to them and when and how they use their voices. There's a lot going on beyond the ghost/monster portion of the story though there is plenty of that for those readers who love that aspect.

My Recommendation: Get it as soon as possible. Do not skip it unless it would be too much right now. This would be a great Halloween read, but could work anytime really. It's a unique story that raises many questions and for me the ending was particularly satisfying. This was one of my favorite books of the year.

Pages: 352 Review copy: ARC via publisher & library copy Availability: On shelves now

Extra: Brief talk on mass hysteria - Hanna Alkaf on TikTok

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Hi! Me again!

Lately I've reading a lot of Harry/Severus fanfics and I think it's a interesting ship. Do you have any thoughts about Severus as character? And what do you think about the ship Harry/Severus? Do you think it could work? 🤔

I look forward to reading your thoughts on this.

Spirea ✨

Hi again 👋

Took me a while to get to this ask, and like with all things shipping, ship whatever you want, have fun, it's fictional, and these are just my thoughts.

So, I obviously do have thoughts about Severus as a character. It's hard not to when he's as relevant as he is to the plot. I mentioned my general thoughts about him here. The summary of these thoughts is that I find him interesting for a multitude of reasons, and I like that he's usually competent, if emotionally unstable.

Now, about Snarry, personally, I'm not a Snarry shipper. A few years ago, I tried to read some Snarry fic, out of curiosity. Like, when I see a ship idea that either intrigues me or makes me go "wtf?!" in a good way, I often check out a fic or two, just to see what's it about, see if I'm interested. In the case of Snarry, I wasn't.

Like, I read a lot of Severitus (Severus as a mentor/father figure to Harry) around that same time, and I preferred that dynamic over the romance.

Now, ignoring my own preference, would this work?

Eh... depends on how you define work.

Like, this relationship would be a mess for so many reasons (which I guess is part of the appeal). Like, even ignoring the age difference and student-teacher taboos or if we're talking post-war Severus-lives AUs, this is going to be messy.

Like, a lot of fans talk about Sirius projecting James onto Harry, but I don't think he does, if anyone is projecting James onto Harry, it's Severus. He does treat Harry more like an equal threat than a student (which lends itself to Snarry if you wanna go there), but it also means Severus spends the books having no idea who Harry is until pretty late in the story when he starts glimpsing that maybe he isn't James, but then chooses to ignore all these glimpses. He is actually, legitimately terrified of Harry.

Like, Severus doesn't allow himself to see Harry as a separate person from James, who he despises. So, you gotta work through that to make the ship work.

Harry is a very empathetic and forgiving person, so I'm not putting forgiving Snape and moving on with his life past him, since it's kind of what he did anyway.

The reason I liked Severitus is because Snape and Harry have things in common working for their dynamic. They both had abusive home lives as children. They both share the responsibility for something so much greater. Severus in the books isn't just living for himself, he's carrying this fucking war on his shoulders, and by book 7, Harry is too. They are two characters that due to their respective traumas and life circumstances never really got to have a childhood (and in Snape's case an adulthood, since he didn't really choose to be a teacher) So they have the potential to understand each other so well under different circumstances.

I also think Severus would appreciate Harry's sass the moment he stopped seeing him as James and stopped perceiving the disrespect as a threat. And in Severitus, I like that Sev is a connection to Lily Harry usually doesn't get (since Sirius and Remus only really talk about James) but in Snarry, it's kinda icky for me.

Like, I don't like that Severus would be projecting either James or Lily on Harry in an equal relationship because he kinda would. He already does, and it's going to be a mess.

I'm also not sure how well their temperaments would really work together. Like, they're both not great with emotional regulation and are inclined towards anger and petty retribution/vengeance. It means that whenever they disagree with each other on the smallest thing ever, it'll be super easy for it to blow out of proportion and become big because they have a point. Like, Harry would say something cheeky that'll anger Snape more, and it doesn't matter if they are at school or post Hogwarts, their relationship doesn't matter, Snape's gonna say "twenty points from Gryffindor," on instinct (could be really funny in a post-war story, not so funny if Harry's a student). Like, their relationship would just be very volatile, which is not something I'm personally into, but that you're allowed to like in fic.

Basically, they will need to put a lot of work in to make their relationship work and for them to stay together as a romantic pair. Severitus is different since there is a clear power structure, Severus doesn't feel threatened by Harry and Harry knows Severus isn't his peer in that dynamic. Romance is different, since to make a romance work, they need to see each other as equals, which for Snape, means seeing Harry as a potential threat to himself and his image, and for Harry, it means treating Snape as someone he can sass and disrespect (which would make Snape's fears worse, and kinda what we see in the books).

And that's before talking about Snape's guilt about this relationship. Like, he already hates himself and would take any excuse to hate himself further while pretending it's all fine, he'll insist that everything is good through gritted teeth and the veneer of pride. Especially if Harry's still a student, Snape knows it's wrong, and he shouldn't, but he still would and crucify himself inside his own mind. He'd imagine Lily screaming at him over it, or something. So that, like, adds to the mess. Even post-war I think Severus would think he shouldn't for so many reasons. He'd find more and more reasons why not. So, like, Harry would need to be the one to pursue the relationship, and I don't really see him doing it without substantial divergence/AU sprinkled in.

Like, I don't think they would realistically get together, but fic is fic, and therefore anything could happen. These are just my thoughts.

[captainuranium543]

Hi! I just wanted to know your thoughts on this post here: https://www.tumblr.com/yamishika/761491771751596032/something-that-has-been-bothering-me-regarding-the

Do you agree with this? Disagree with this? Was this just a light comedic moment? It def feels out of character for Jellal to a large degree. You have such great takes on Erza in general, that I wanted to check about this. I tried looking at your posts (now that I have better cell service) and didnt see this on your posts list. Apologies if you’ve covered it already. Thanks in advance!

the post in question^

thanks so much for this ask actually cuz I have been resisting the urge to yap about this forever and now I have an excuse ahaha.

honestly I completely agree, I've been saying it forever but as fairy tail has gone on Mashima has kind of stopped putting as much thought into it has he did early on. Early on the characters where the center of the narrative and honestly I think that's when ft is at its best because that has always been the best part if ft as a whole. The tower of heaven and the trauma Erza and Jellal faced along with countless others had so much impact on the story as late as season 6 because of just how massive a tragedy it was.

starting with Erza and Kiria, it feels especially disgusting for this to happen to specifically Erza because she has spent so much of her life being treated as less then human already. In the tower her purpose was literally to work herself to death, they needed sacrifices and lots of them. As soon as she wasn't useful to them anymore she would killed without a second thought and her life would only be another number added to the massive death toll of the r system project. she wasn't a person in there, she was a tool. Even after the tower she was still under someone else's control (on a leash you might say) with Jellal holding the lives of her friends over her head to keep her quiet, constantly taunting his power over her by spying on her with seigrain in the magic counsel. this is exactly what happens with Kiria and it feels genuinely horrifying to see it happen again but still its just played for fanservice and I find that incredibly irritating.

as for the Erza vs Jellal fight in the Aldoron arc, here we have a scene that is objectively horrifying to both of them. Erza and Jellal share INTENSE trauma associated with mind control and the loss of free will, and yet the scene is played for laughs and fanservice.

I do understand why Hiro did this, if they took the scene seriously it would probably set Jellal right back into his old ways again of avoiding Erza like the plague which he doesn't want because he's trying to push them closer together. I get that but its still feels like such a missed opportunity to give them some kind of emotional development which neither has had in so long. I'm gonna get into my own idea for the fight here so bear with me.

The fight begins and they intercut it with flash backs to the tower of heaven arc, or even further back to their actual childhood, showing how genuinely afraid of him Erza is right now while also trying to control herself and keep her "fight" instinct at bay because she doesn't want to hurt him. the fight from her perspective should be chaotic, rapidly throwing her between past and present while she desperately tries to hold onto a sense of reality and remind herself its not him.

now imagine this, at some point she loses control and really starts to spiral and he gets the upper hand. she's totally beaten and exhausted after trying to fight him and her demons at once and while she's on the ground he approaches her, lifts her up, and we get a call back to this scene.

throughout this fight we never really see Jellal's face, its mostly been from Erza's perspective and when we do see his face its a flashback to a different time while he was mind controlled. Now in the present jellal says something, idk what he would say exactly, but its something similar to the "it was the color of your hair" moment where it reminds Erza of something he said to her while he was himself. Erza finally snaps back to reality, she looks down at him and we finally get a clear view of his face in the present, and we see that he's crying.

that is enough to fully snap Erza back and finally give the fight her all, because its not just for her sake its for both of them. he would never forgive himself if he hurt her so she's going to have to be the one to do it even if it hurts because its the only way she's going to save him. and more than anything she wants to save him. (Again, call back to the tower of heaven, she was to late to save him then and it weighs on her to this day, she wont be to late this time.) anyway fight ends shortly after that she knocks him out and she's crying because obviously she never wanted to hurt him either she's just taking one for the team (like always but that's another rant). Just before Jellal passes out he looks at her and he thanks her for saving him (ONCE AGAIN CALL BACK TP THE TOWER OF HEAVEN but this time its not manipulation he's being fr showing us that its really him now). he passes out, erza gets up, looks back at him maybe one last time, says shes sorry, then goes off to go keep fighting. fight over

case and point I think this could have been sick as hell and i'm sad it didn't happen. its not that I have a problem with fanservice I just think it should be tasteful at least a little.

[kinardscake]

hi, sorry. i just wanted a place to rant and uh. this got away from me. feel free to ignore this! sending love to you and all my fellow bucktommies! <3

can i say this: "playing the field" is a bullshit argument. if you (general) had to experience Every Single Thing in life until you are "wise enough" to make choices and have commitments as a grown ass adult, none of these couples could be together. wdym athena didn't sleep with tons of women and trans people before choosing bobby? she cannot possibly know that she loves bobby, a person with a penis, because sHe HaSn'T pLaYeD tHe FiElD enough yet! because what if her "last" is actually not bobby? bobby could die tomorrow. it's not unlikely. athena doesn't know when he might die. bobby doesn't know when athena might die. they don't know if maybe some hurdle will break them someday. and still, we see them treat each other as "their lasts" and investing in their shared future. that is what humans do.

the fact of life is this: you have billions of human beings on this planet and thus plenty of options every day that you have to choose from. that also means that when you made that choice, your are aware that you forfeit the opportunity to get a different outcome. that goes for every single friendship, relationship, hookup, job offer, hobby, place to live, and so forth. realistically, none of us will ever have it all. that is not possible. buck is a firefighter and thus forfeits the opportunity to be a teacher or a zoologist. buck is living in his loft, thus forfeits the opportunity to buy a house. buck buys a couch, thus forfeits the opportunity to have a different one.

that is LIFE, baby.

if the 911 writers think that one must have lots of sex to know when one is in love, well! good news! buck did that already in season 1! buck went through multiple "updates" to learn what he wants. "love" is not suddenly a completely different and unknown concept to buck. he has loved before. he is loving people right now. he has lived through more things than any other person ever will in their lifetime. has experienced eye-opening trauma that clearly says that life is fucking short. and you tell me that after all this he just accepts that others tell him what he supposedly feels? nah fam. this is once again feeling like buck is just "going with the flow" because despite 7 seasons of development, he still seems to let others tell him what he thinks and feels and wants. i'm pretty sure he knows what he wants. buck told tommy that he thinks what he wants could be with tommy. he said it from the beginning. but then the show suddenly pulls a 180 and decided that, actually, buck is unwilling to put in any work.

bobby's first wife and mother of his children died, and nobody questions that his love for athena is real. eddie's wife and love of his life died, and everybody is still hoping he finds another great love after her. you can never know what happens in life, and none of that diminishes the fact that love is real and meaningful and worthy to fight for when you are feeling it! just like chimney went after maddie and pushed to support her despite maddie herself telling buck to not tell chim where she is (which buck respected and got punched for as a thanks). chim explicitly went against maddie's wishes because he knew this was a moment to fight for and support maddie.

just like the old tommy said: "you make it". and that's exactly it! buck has tons of options nd he could find "the one" in multiple people. until buck is dead, he will continue to have options. and it will be a continuous choice to stay in a committed relationship regardless of the other options that will always be there, no matter who he ends up with in the end. that is how life is. he could sleep with thousands of women and men and still be alone because sex with strangers is an investment into something "fun", yes, but not something that is a committed relationship. buck has learned that lesson in season 1. at some point in life, you either choose one person and put effort into that relationship, or you will never make any choice at all and thus never have any of "the ones" that you could have had.

buck can choose to invest his time in meaningless hookups. that is a valid choice to make. however, we know that buck was unhappy with that. why are they trying to reheat a 6-year-old moudly soup?

bucktommy is not even a "the one that got away" story for that reason. we know that both tommy and buck actually want commitment. they are literally on the same page. and instead of fucking committing, of intentionally choosing each other day after day after day, communicating about their insecurities and feelings and needs some more... they suddenly pull back completely? what the actual fuck is that logic? either you want to be in a committed in a relationship or not. make a choice. most people literally talk about that on the first date. making tommy pull back like that after 6 months is horrible, but making buck accept this without any pushback is frankly stupid. THAT would have been the moment to fucking fight for this relationship and point out that "yes, i could easily go fuck other people with different genitalia and guess what, i have been aware of that option existing this whole time but the point is that i INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE to be WITH YOU". but for some reason... nothing. poof. done.

and then i think back to red's story and how it affected buck tremendously... how red put his work first for decades and that he always regretted not investing more into his true love which he met when he was young... red did not choose the person he loved. he chose his job. he did not put in the effort to build a relationship, did not take any risk, and was thus had to live with the consequences of his own actions (living utterly alone after retiring because colleagues are not forever). and that is the thing: there will be what-ifs and consequences in all our lives. you can only be on one (1) path at a time. there will be chances missed. lives you maybe could have had. but this is not how real life works. so you either start making intentional choices and accepting the fact that all of life includes risk and potential heartbreak, or you will regret living as if you are paralyzed.

just. sorry. i didn't plan for my rant to be so long but i'm still so mad at this bullshit take that they gave to tommy of all people. i love tommy, he isn't at fault here. i love buck, he isn't at fault here. the writing in the last episode, however, is really making me fucking mad. it's so condescending and disrespectful to buck as a character but most importantly to bisexual/pansexual people. just because "there are more options" for bisexual people does not mean that the dilemma isn't the same for every human being. if you want love, you have to choose it. you have to work for it. you have to fight for it. you have to communicate what you want and need. you have to be a team with your partner to deal with hurdles together.

this has nothing to do with the size of the dating pool. it's about knowing what you want. all characters in a committed relationship, namely athena, bobby, chimney, maddie, hen, and karen, all have a big potential dating pool. they could all sleep around forever if they wanted. they could test every kink under the sun. however, they do not want to sleep around. it's as simple as that. and there is nothing wrong with you if you intentionally pass by certain opportunities. people know what they want. this is like men telling women that their life will never be "complete" if they don't have children of their own. like how fucking condescending is it to assume that you know what's best for another person when they are mature enough to form their own opinions?!

with how they have written buck for the past 7 seasons, it seemed like he wants commitment. this was established in the pilot episode. but if he just "accepts his fate" and sleep around now, no strings attached? well. okay. so what i am hearing is that either buck still does not know what he wants in life or that the past 7 seasons are a lie and actually his key to happiness is fucking strangers. either way, he has been stagnant for years in this endeavor.

buck and tommy could have easily fought for this to work. this was the perfect opportunity. but they didn't. and now i really think that they have truly lost the plot with buck's overarching storyline. very saddening.

You took the words right out of my mouth, Nonnie.

Sending you so much love as well, and, please, keep speaking your truth. 🫶

[ipostdumbthings]

Astarion NSFW Headcanons with Reader

Astarion has explored sexuality fully in his past, but never in a way that he had ever had any control over. He was so emotionally detached from it that he never really considered what it was he actually likes to do with a partner. It never really mattered before.

Once he’s on his path to recovery, though, he finds he enjoys sampling all the options that are available to him. If you’re up for it he’ll try damn near everything. It’s almost like trying to shop with him: “A little of this a little of that, oh no, neither will do.”

The early days of this new adventurousness are largely left for less intense, light-hearted fair. He’ll happily suggest things like chocolate and whipped cream, after all, he gets to sample something sweet while you two are entwined together, why shouldn’t you? Exploring like this is pretty important in reframing what sex means to him. It lets him shrug off some of the burdens he’s always felt attached to sexuality, and turns it into something fun. Something blissfully free of anything outside of enjoying one another.

There is one notable exception, he won’t be subbing. He may trust you with all his heart, but trust doesn’t cure trauma. It may be something he’s willing to try eventually, but it will take years before he can even think about it without getting upset. Especially picturing the person who helped free him being the one to dominate him. That alone can be triggering for him.

That doesn’t mean he isn’t pleased as can be with bottoming or pegging. He is genuinely excited to be on either side of that specific dynamic, especially when you two are just having fun together.

Rough sex is also very much still on the table. He doesn’t mind you pulling his hair or scratching your nails down his back. Not to mention how precious he thinks it is when you bite him. He loves it when you do.

He is more than happy to play dom, truthfully he gets a lot of satisfaction out of doing it. It affords him the ability to set the pace for encounters, and lets him spoil you in all the ways he delights in. He’ll be a little tentative when you start playing those games with him, making sure you’re okay with everything and checking in constantly. He gets comfortable quickly when he sees just how enthusiastically you respond to him.

And he is very eager to take that sort of thing as far as you want. His favorite thing to do is tease you for as long as possible while he’s got you tied up. Really make you beg for him. He finds it deeply fulfilling to have the person he needs the most need him back.

He’ll never in your entire life turn down an opportunity to feed on you during sex as long as it’s safe to do so. Even if he’s already fed. His favorite is to bite right as you cum, so he can drink from you at your most heightened moment, and see you well and properly spent when he’s done with you.

While he’s fine with you indulging in others, for the most part you’re going to be all he needs for a while. Sure he’ll test the waters with group sex, but if he doesn’t have the person he trusts most with him, he doesn’t have much interest. Whether or not that changes is up to the way you navigate your relationship. As long as you’re tending to his needs, he feels no real pressure to make any change in that regard.

He’ll always have a soft spot for deep and romantic moments of intimacy. Those moments when your souls feel connected and it seems like no one else in the world could ever grasp the depth of what the two of you share. He’ll go to great lengths to set up romantic moments like that for you, and if you repay him in kind you’ll never see more adoring eyes and a sweeter smile from him. It’s one of the few times he allows himself to indulge in saccharine sentiments.

[collectionoftulips]

So for the three people who are also watching The Way Home, I thought I would share my season three thoughts so far (3x05), for no other reason than I want to haha (the general gist - I have some issues with the writing)

I think that this season has some really deep fundamental problems. the most significant of which were the results of Jacob coming back. Most crucially, I think, the way it impacted Kat. Or, more accurately, the ways in which it didn't impact Kat. In the previous seasons, the show went to great pains to show the trauma and consequences of what happened to Jacob and the way that impacted Kat. It meant that she put a lot of blame on herself and had deep feelings of shame. She was so desperate to get Jacob back that she was ready, when finally confronted with that potential in S2, to fully sacrifice herself to make that happen, despite that she had Alice and others back in the present time that needed her. That trauma runs deep.

As much the return of Jacob has been presented as a 'closure' on that, to some degree, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. We had some exploration of how disorienting it was having Jacob back with Del (badly done, in my opinion, but still) but we had absolutely none of that with Kat. She developed a lot of trauma-informed behavioural patterns as a result of losing Jacob and while he might be back, it doesn't make any sense for her to develop a sudden very different way of being. Which is sort of what has happened with the writing in season three and while I understand that they did a time jump to skip past the practical issues with Jacob's return, it doesn't really also apply for character writing. One does not come a different person in nine months or whatever it was.

I think it's fundamentally a problem where I feel like the writing has really shifted from being character-centric with plot relevant beats to a show that has plot-centric writing and the very occasional character moment. Additionally to that, the character moments are (especially in relation to Kat) nonsensical. The fact that she has a daughter has almost absolutely no bearing on her character at all, even though in S1 it was demonstrated how Alice would always be her absolute number one priority (barring getting Jacob back due to trauma). A central pillar of her character was sacrificed in order to get a 'shippy' moment with Elliot and for them to move in together - not really because it made sense for their relationship progression (also when relationship dynamic development happens off screen, it's not a good look). And at least personally the occasional line of Kay saying 'Alice knows I'm there any times she needs me' or 'I'm just across the field' isn't really parenting. That logic that these lines indicate (thrown in to make the plot make sense) is completely contrary to the type of parenting we have seen from Kat before.

Now the show is kind of hinting at them having moved in together too soon and while I think that makes way more sense given how the moving in thing happened and (in my opinion) Elliot and Kat already has the chemistry vibe of two people who really want a relationship to work, even though there's a fundamental disconnect between them. The driving pillar in their relationship is so heavily reliant on Elliot having carried a torch for her for years and how much he loves her.

Plus, as much as I clearly have a preference for Kat to be with Thomas (mainly because the kind of epic love and stuff that Kat has expressly said she wants a bunch feels like it is more evident with Thomas, plus I think Thomas is way more clued into who Kat actually is than Elliot who is too preoccupied with the idea of Kat), it's also very frustrating that Kat's storyline has basically been boiled down to (in any meaningful way) the question of which person she should be dating, all the while the show's writing seems to be going down on a 'let's try to appease all camps' route, which isn't really going to work. Because you end up with some moments and character choices where it feels so out there and disconnected from anything called reality it is actually angering. Last season, it was Elliot just offering up the coins that Thomas gave to Kat to save the farm without even so much as speaking to Kat about it first (and actively ignoring, in what came across as incredibly cruel as a result, that Kat has feelings for Thomas and that the coins meant a lot to her emotionally). This season, you have in the latest episode the show actively showing you (once again) that Kat has a tendency to completely suppress her feelings for Thomas, then project them onto Elliot and push her into situations that she is not ready for with him (the moving in part specifically, and not quite the same but the heavy make out session when she returned after having been reminded of Thomas would have really really really pissed me off if I wanted Elliot and Kat together). The show has her going between these men with little to no coherence, and occasionally Susanna as well (which again, would piss me off if I wanted Susanna and Kat as endgame).

I could really write a dissertation about why I don't think Elliot and Kat are good together and seem to bring out the worst in each other, but I will try not to. I will say though is that even if I was on board with the Elliot and Kat train, I would be so angry about how they are being written this season. Kat heavily making out with Elliot to push thoughts of Thomas out of her mind, her calling her living situation with Elliot temporary, and the writers seemingly just insisting over and over in dialogue that they are happy without actually showing the viewers, would piss me off if I was a fan. So much of their relationship progression happens off screen and key fundamental issues that they wrote into the pairing (in season two) never really got a meaningful resolution.

There's also how Del is being written and I honestly can't make heads or tails of her writing this season either, and the way that the complex difficult family dynamic between Del and Kat has sort of been swept under the rug but also not also makes the family relationship feel less authentic to how they were before, but also much more standard stock Hallmark-y in a way that bothers me. Like the dialogue in the episode before where Kat said something to the effect of "how about you stop judging me and my life, that should free up some of your time" was a really really cruel thing to say in context of the conversation that they were having, and instead of getting angry at Kat being cruel (the way 99.9999% of humanity would), Del just does the sort of most awkward laugh ever that does not follow with the dialogue that is being presented? What?

I don't know. I think for a show that had such character-grounded, complex writing in Season 1, the way the show is being written now feels very disappointing and so far away from how the show started. It's too preoccupied with plot but also all the scripts feel superrushed and unpolished.

[crow-artworks]

Huskerdust Analysis and Prediction's for Season 2 (Also some goofy headcanons)

Besides a few writing and pacing issue's I overall fucking loved Hazbin hotel and can't wait for season 2. One of my favorite subplots being Huskerdust now I know some people think of them and prefer more a Mentor and Mentoree type of relationship between them. That's completely valid and I can see that but I think they can still have that with Husk helping Angel overcome more of his trauma but still be a romantic item.

Analysis: We see multiple moments between them of course the main episode between them being episode four where we really explore more of Angels character and his trauma we also see Husk calling Angel out for hiding behind this fake persona to cope with that trauma. Where of course we get the freaking masterpiece Loser, Baby and see them reconcile and bond over their shared and similar pain.

In episode 5 we see a bit more of Husk's issue's with Alastor come up when he confront Alastor about Mimzi. Where of course this leads to Alastor retaliating by scaring the shit out of Husk showing the green chains representing Alastor's hold on Husk's soul and literally leaves him shaking we can really see the deeper and hidden part of their relationship literally like Master and Plaything. Then in episode six we see Angel and Valentino and their confrontation where Angel is standing up for Niffty then leads to him say fuck you to Valentino (as he should fuck you Valentino) then leads to him to smoking the chains around Angel representing Master and Plaything. We can really see their similar, yet different situations and we can see them further even more bond over it in season 2.

That all sets up the rest of their moments for season 1 my favorite being the finale with their small bar scene where can see them looking at each other in some could say flirtatious and entraced manner.

The amazing thing about their relationship and one thing I see that Vivienne did actually great with in he writing is that it can work good as a romance or a deep friendship which both I would be ecstatic for either way. Whether you ship them or not they are still going to mean something to each other romantically or platonically and help each other over come each other's trauma.

Predictions:

With all the signs and hints from Vivienne and within the show itself I expect them to end up in a romantic relationship with each other. Now how I expect this to play out is in two seperate ways that blend together. One way exploring the more serious sides of what they bond over of course their trauma. Seeing Husk helping Angel confront Valentino maybe and digging deeper into Husk's past with Alastor and how Husk may break from that or another way this could go is they end up both still being trapped for season 2 but starting a relationship over their shared bonds, similarities, chemistry, and over all just being good for one another.

The second less serious part of it will I think be Angel trying to ask Husk out. We can see Angel oversexualizing and objectifying himself for others as other's also oversexualize and objectify him all the time to the point he's uses it as mask but Husk as seen in episode four helps break that mask down showing he want's to know who Angel really is not who other's make him out to be and he want's him emotionally and not just sexually.

In turn Angel not being used to this but wanting Husk not just as a one night stand but an actual partner will have trouble asking Husk out. Leading to some awkward moments like with Sir Pentious and Cherry bomb where Angel attempt's to ask Husk out in certain moments but ultimately at the last second fumbling over his words and changing the subject unlike his usual flirting. In the end I think Husk will catch on to this and ask Angel out himself or take a moment to ask Angel to breathe and just to say what he want's to say. Which will either way probably leads to a very cute and romantic date hosted by Husk.

Headcanons:

This is the least serious part of this just some silly and cute things I headcanon for them.

Pet names: I feel like they would use Baby and Doll the most.

Affection: Definitely physical touch but not in a sexual way I think Husk would hold Angel's hand or things like a small kiss or wrapping his tale or wing around him. Word's of Affirmation alot of discrete I love you's and such.

Husk I think would definitely be very protective over angel with cat callers or people oversexualizing him and just in general even though Angel would probably say things like "I can handle myself." Husk wouldn't care and be an overprotective asshole and Angel would act like he hated it but secretly loves it.

They would be jealous in their own ways Husk I would be more open about it like pulling Angel close or glaring at whoever he dislikes. Angel would be more grumble and hide it type but Husk can always tell.

Angel would be a flirt with him but in a more himself way and Husk would sometimes flirt back leaving Angel super flustered

Finally when it comes to sex I feel like consent and bounderies would be immediatly placed to make Angel feel definetly more comftorable to let him know this is because they love eachother and not just to use Angel. Husk would 100% be the top. I feel like their first time would be more intimate and slow but I feel like it could also be that one meme where afterwards the one person flustered just staring at the ceiling over what just happened (Angel) and the other is just also staring at the cieling with his hand behind his head unphased (Husk). Later on I feel like they would try things like BDSM and that stuff but later on in the line.

Anyway, there's my autistic info dump on Huskerdust if you read all the way down you are either a God or neurodivergent . Here's some cookie's for making it this far:

[juneyjubilation]

Jason Todd x Brazilian!Reader

this is for @veenus777, who commented they wanted a jason version to this! so here it is. . . .

The vibrant colors of the city and the infectious rhythm of samba stir something deep within him, a curiosity he can't ignore.

As you show him around, Jason is captivated by the historical landmarks, such as the Selaron Steps in Lapa, the Christ the Redeemer statue, and the beautiful architecture in the historic city center. He's particularly fascinated by the way history is interwoven with the present, the layers of time visible in the worn cobblestone streets and the juxtaposition of the old and the new.

In your relationship, Jason's intense nature is balanced by your charm. He's protective and fiercely loyal, much like a guardian angel, always watching your back and making sure you're safe. You, on the other hand, have a calming effect on him, helping him let go of some of his past traumas and find solace in the present.

Jason's sense of justice aligns perfectly with your values, making it easy for you to support each other in your endeavors. You both share a love for adventure, and the two of you often find yourselves exploring the nooks and crannies of the city.

Being in a relationship with Jason means embracing the duality that defines him. One moment you're laughing together, enjoying a caipirinha and the warm Brazilian sun, and the next you're diving into action back in Gotham, side by side. . . . bonus! . . .

The sun had begun to set, painting the sky in hues of pink and orange as you and Jason stood atop the Selaron Steps. The sun's rays kissed the tiles, making them glisten like precious gems.

"I've never seen a sunset like this," Jason remarked, his voice low and gravelly.

You smiled, wrapping an arm around his waist. "It's the magic of Rio, a city that captures the heart and imagination."

Jason turned to face you, his gaze intense. "You've shown me so much, Brazil and of yourself. I'm grateful to have you as my guide."

You leaned in, brushing your lips against his in a soft, sweet kiss. "And I'm glad you're here, Jason, it means a lot… having you actually here with me," you whispered, your heart swelling with affection.

He pulled you closer, his arms wrapping around your waist, pressing you against him. Jason wasn't great at relaying his thoughts and emotions verbally, but he'd always let you know in the little ways that he needed you near him.

Hand in hand, you watched the sun sink below the horizon, the city below bathed in the warm afterglow of the sunset. As the stars began to twinkle in the inky night sky, you knew that in each other's arms, you'd face whatever challenges awaited, hand in hand.

Together, you'd navigate the winding paths of life, finding adventure and love in the most unexpected places. Side by side, you'd laugh, fight, and explore, forging a bond as unbreakable as the tiles beneath your feet.