#they actually have some great moments of sharing trauma together
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#my bf and i have many names for r.a. salvatore#are they affectionate? antagonistic? yes.#ooc#all you need to know about dahlia (book character) is that she is even edgier than him and he is so soggily in love with her it makes me il#they actually have some great moments of sharing trauma together#and battle flirting of course#but at the end of the day he's just soooooooo sad and wet and tenderly trying to offer care to someone for the first time in his life and A#neither of them know wtf they are doing it's great#there's evil spider brainwashing it's like fanfiction to me#cheekyguys
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Safe. (Part Three)
Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x Fem. Reader x Lee Minho
Summary: A broke ER Nurse offers up her services to a large crime organization in exchange for much higher pay and benefits that are unconventional, but lucrative. The life proves to be questionable at best, and downright isolating at worst which leaves her feeling unsure, unstable and dangerous.
Warnings: Explicit language. Explicit depictions of sex (some chapters will be more explicit than others sexually). Violence. Blood. Trauma injuries. (Organized) Crime. Emotional manipulation. Discussion of murder and physical assault. Medical inaccuracy galore. Smoking. Past addiction. 18+ Only.
Chapter WC: 5.5k
Read Part One and Part Two here.
~ PART THREE ~
“Okay, let’s look at the options,” Christopher starts hanging dress bags around the room. “I think this red would look really great with-,”
“No,” you say quickly. You would rather give blood until you pass out than play dress up for a night out that you’re dreading.
“Oh-kay,” he blinks, then goes over to unzip the next bag, “This one is a lavender number, and I know it’s not Spring, but hear me out-,”
“No.”
Christopher looks like his eye is about to start twitching and his lips move into a tight line, “Did you maybe have something in mind?”
“Is there a black option?” you ask. Black feels appropriate.
“Black option,” he claps his hands together and looks around at his bags, “Of course there’s a black option, there’s always a black option.” He runs across the room and unzips another bag, pulling out the skirt of a black satin gown with a slit that makes you blush from where you sit but you said black - and if you refuse this one, Chris might actually strangle you with the straps of a high heel.
When you emerge from the closet Christophers eyes widen, “Holy shit,” he says.
“Don’t start,” you roll your eyes, then turn to look at yourself in the full length mirror. You do have to admit that it fits perfectly, it looks as if it was custom made just for you. The slit in the front is dangerously high, and the neckline is dangerously low - it’s a dangerous dress, you think. Which feels even more appropriate for the evening, you want to be dangerous.
“You look…phenomenal actually,” Chris smiles.
“Thanks,” you blush.
“I don’t do hair and makeup, but Jisoo will be here around 5pm to doll you up, she works at the salon Minhos wife used to own, she’s very good,” Christopher says, lining up some shoe options.
Your eyes widen and the very breath in your lungs seems to deflate, “Minho has a wife?”
Chris pauses for a moment and looks around the room as if you aren’t completely alone in the house. “He used to, she died - she was killed by one of Kims men when she was out visiting a friend. They saw the SUV and thought it was Minho.”
“Fuck,” you cover your mouth with your hand, “I didn’t know that.”
“Well you wouldn’t, it happened three years ago, and he never talks about it anymore. He was a complete mess for a long time, barely spoke, didn’t seem to give a fuck about the job anymore, none of us were sure if he was ever going to come around, a lot of the guards left and ran off to Kim of all fucking people. The ones who stayed were well rewarded when he finally started to put himself back together, but he doesn’t talk about it, he’s never been the same,” he shares.
Could that be why he reacted to your rejection the way he did? Is there actually some vulnerable piece inside him that hurts? You think about this long after Christopher is gone, and while Jisoo the stranger does your hair and makeup. You try to laugh at her jokes, carry on a normal conversation with the first female you’ve interacted with in months, but still, you can’t stop yourself from picturing a grieving Minho, his heart slowly turning to cold stone, uncaring - and for the first time since you’ve known him, you feel sorry for him, and you care about him.
🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️
From inside the car that’s dropping you off you see Minho, Seungmin and Hyunjin waiting in front of the Casino for you. Your stomach drops, and a mixture of excitement and dread overwhelm you.
The car stops and Minho opens the door and offers you his hand as you get out, you try to keep it still so no one sees how shaky and nervous you are.
“My God,” he looks you up and down, “You are stunning,” Minho traces your jawline with the tip of his finger.
You shake your head, “Chris brought really beautiful dresses and Jisoo-,”
“Nuh-uh,” Minho argues, “This is all you love, and you look amazing,” he smiles and offers you his arm. You take it, briefly making eye contact with Hyunjin, who isn’t even trying to hide the fact he’s staring at you. You clear your throat and brush imaginary wrinkles out of the satin.
“You look pretty,” Seungmin says, looking anywhere but at you.
Your eyes widen, “Sorry…is there an insult coming or did you actually just compliment me?”
Seungmins eyes narrow, “Don’t push it…shut up,” he sneers before hurriedly skulking off into the casino.
You’ve seen Minho’s Mirroh Casino lit up like a Christmas Tree towering over buildings on the edge of downtown for years - though you had no idea it belonged to him of course until you met him several months ago. You’d never stepped foot inside, in your previous life you didn’t really have the time nor the money to be spending evenings in a high end Casino. Then, after you started working for him, your nights were spent bandaging wounds, taking inventory of items, and anticipating the next injury - the thought of going out so far from your mind that it never even occurred to you.
You keep mostly quiet as Minho walks you around, introducing you to people you’ve never seen, will probably never see again. You alternate between being awestruck at the extravagance of the place, politely making conversation with him and his associates, and pretending like you aren’t thinking about his tragically dead wife. You wish you could ask him if he’s okay, give him a hug - just do something.
“Can you find something to keep yourself occupied, love? I need to have a private conversation with Mr. Jung for a few moments, play anything you’d like, I have you covered Kitten,” he rubs a gentle circle on your back and kisses your temple before departing towards a set of stairs.
You’re not a gambler, and you’re about as skilled at Casino games as you are with open heart surgery. Which is to say, not at all. You stand in the middle of the giant space trying to decide, but probably just looking like an idiot.
“You look lost,” Hyunjins voice comes up behind and you and you spin around, happy to have someone to talk to so you don’t look so clueless.
“This isn’t really my scene,” you chuckle, fidgeting with your hands.
“I didn’t want to comment on it before, but, when you got out of that car you took my breath away,” he smiles, “I’ve never seen someone look so beautiful,” he whispers.
You look at him, “Be careful, I’ve been glued to Minho all night and I don’t need anyone in here reporting to him that the second his back is turned I’m falling all over you,” you warn him.
“You’re probably right, but I’ve got a slew of new ideas for sketches, this dress should be illegal,” he grins.
“Hyunjin,” your voice is a warning, you lower your voice, “I’ve been thinking about what happened the other night, the kiss,” you say quietly.
“And?”
“I feel safe with you,” you tell him honestly, “you’re the first person I’ve come across since starting all this that I’m not afraid of, that makes me smile, when you walk into view all my tension relaxes, and I know as long as you’re there everything will be okay. That’s how you make me feel. All I want is for you to wrap your arms around me and hold me and just exist in that feeling.”
“Why do I feel a but coming?” he sighs, pretending to be interested in a coin machine.
“But…I can’t just waltz up to Minho and tell him I can’t be his plus one, and that I can’t continue,” you scoff, trying to think of a word that described your relationship, “Can’t continue whatever the fuck he and I are doing, because I have feelings for you. Can you imagine how that will turn out?”
“I get that,” Hyunjin nods, “but I want you to know that I care about you deeply, I’m enamored with you, I think about you all the time, and I’m fine just being grateful for every second alone I might get with you. I don’t care if I have to keep it to myself, I keep so much shit a secret that it’s just my normal state of mind at this point, I can keep you a secret.”
You stare at him, wishing you could throw your arms around him and kiss him, thank him for being such a light in the shadows for you, and apologize for taking so long to see him, and for not being able to take his hand in yours this very moment.
“Blackjack,” he says, nodding over to a nearby table.
“Pardon?”
“Go play blackjack, it’s easy, and even if you bust every time Minho will take care of it. It’ll give you something to do, I’ve got to get back to my post, but I didn’t want the night to go by without me telling you how beautiful you look, or how I feel,” he smiles, “Have fun tonight, beautiful.”
You watch him go before deciding to take his advice and sit down at the Blackjack table.
To your utter shock you win four games in a row, and you find that you actually might be having a good time.
“Evening,” a deep voice greets as a tall man takes a seat beside you.
“Good evening,” you respond.
“Good fortune at this table I hope? ‘Cause I’ve been getting slammed,” he jokes and you smile.
“So far so good,” you laugh, “but I’m sure my luck is overdue to run out any minute.”
“Ah, that’s the thing about luck, it’s fleeting,” he says seriously, his tone makes you uncomfortable. “Especially when you’re friends with Lee Minho,” he adds in a lower cadence.
At this you look at him out of the corner of your eye but say nothing, you’ll play out the hand then leave.
“I will say that it’s nice to see him out and about with someone, we all figured he’d get tired of the blowjobs from Han Jisungs adorable little mouth at some point,” he chuckles darkly, and you nearly gasp at his audacity. “I have to say, you’re an absolute vision, how much is he paying you for the evening?”
“I’m not being paid to be here you asshole,” you spit, “and you are playing a very dangerous game,” you warn. When the dealer flips her cards you’ve lost, and you get up from the table.
“Sit down, ___, we’re just having a chat,” he motions you with his fingers and something in his voice sounds so incredibly dangerous that you’re afraid to defy him.
“How do you know my name?”
“I know everything about everyone,” the man grins, lighting a cigarette and blowing the smoke in your face, you fan it away and look at your cards, “I know your name. I know that until four months ago you were working your ass off at the Anam Hospital until you found Lee bleeding in the parking lot, refusing to go into the emergency room, and you broke every rule in your precious book while you stole medical supplies and treated him in a van in the lot.”
“Then I guess you already knew I wasn’t a paid escort, so either you’re just a fucking loser trying to insult me or you got a point to make with all this precious info - so make it,” you bite back.
The man chuckles and takes another puff, “I like you. Know why? You got a mouth on you, despite being so fucking scared all the time - don’t deny it,” he shoots you a look when you start to argue, “You’re scared to death of what your life has become, I can smell the fear on you, but that mouth of yours doesn’t know when to quit huh?”
“Must be the nurse in me,” you spit, “Do you want something? You got a rash or a burning sensation you need treated? Otherwise I’d like to go do literally anything else than sit here next to you.”
“Don’t worry, I need to get back to my own date over there,” he points and you follow the line to see a pretty woman staring at him from across the room looking like she wants to leave, same, you think.
“Then go,” you tell him.
“I just want to know one thing,” he asks, throwing his cards down as he stands up, “Do you love each other?
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“What do you care?” you demand instead of answering the ridiculous question.
He smiles and snubs his cigarette out, “So that’s a no,” he laughs, “Good. I won’t feel so bad then,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets and sauntering off with a shit eating grin.
“Who are you?”
The man just laughs and without looking back says, “I’ll be seeing you.”
You watch as he approaches his pretty date and kisses her, then leads her toward the exit. You have zero time to think about the insane conversation before you feel someone's hand come down on your arm.
“Get up,” Hyunjins voice is low and nervous.
“Oh - okay? What-,”
“You were just speaking to Kim fucking Taehyung,” Hyunjin spits.
“That was him? Oh shit…I didn’t know, Hyunjin I didn’t…”
“Did you tell him anything that he can use against us?” Hyunjin asks urgently.
“No! I barely said anything, he was just an asshole, I didn’t say anything!”
“I shouldn’t have left you alone,” Hyunjin shakes his head.
“Is Minho angry with me?” you’re scared again, and Kim Taehyungs voice echoes in your head - can everyone smell how scared you are all the time?
“I don’t know,” Hyunjin stops you in front of two giant mahogany doors that presumably lead into Minhos private office. “Go on. It’ll all be okay.”
You slide through the door Hyunjin opens for you and feel it shut with a heavy thud. Minho is alone, pouring two drinks and bringing them over to a lavish sitting area. You stay frozen to the spot, unsure of what’s to come.
“Well, sit down,” he gestures to the sofa and you slowly make your way over, gently setting yourself on the cushion, unable to find any comfortable position.
Minho hands you one of the glasses of amber liquid and you’re happy to have something to do with your hands.
“Hyunjin told you who you were just speaking with?” he asks, sipping his own glass.
You nod, “He said it was Kim Taehyung, but Minho you must believe me when I tell you that I had no idea who that man was, and all he did was insult me, insult you, then walk away, I told him nothing.”
“I know,” he shrugs. “You don’t think I have microphones at every table in this building?”
“So…you’re not upset with me?” your voice sounds so small in the gigantic space.
Minho’s face scrunches up, “I really fucked with your head the other day, didn’t I?” he sighs, “No, ___, I’m not upset with you.”
You visibly relax with relief and take a long sip of scotch, though typically you can’t stand the stuff.
“Kim Taehyung and I have an exceptionally brutal, bloody history,” Minho explains, and you remember Christophers story about his wife being killed by Kims men. “We go through wanes and waxes of feuds, the fact that he had the audacity to walk into my Casino tonight tells me we’re about to march into another period of fighting for territory in the city, but I’m no longer interested in trying to negotiate or spill the blood of our guys - this time I’m going to kill him, or be killed, but I swear to God, it will end with one of us dead,” he says so coldly, so resolutely that it sends chills down your spine.
“Minho…” you say his name, a sadness on it that you can’t quite explain.
He looks at you from over his glass, that dark, wild danger seeping from somewhere deep in his eyes. It’s terrifying, but it’s also intoxicating. You don’t know what you’re doing, but you find yourself scooting across the couch, capturing the side of his face with your palm. You kind of hate that it makes you happy when he seems to melt into your hand.
He sets his glass down and pulls you onto him, his lips coming down on yours, hands tightly gripping your hips.
“Have I told you how delectable you look tonight?” he whispers, bunching the fabric of your dress up until you’re exposed from the waist down.
“You might have,” you smile at him, brushing your fingers through his dark hair, giving the ends a little tug.
He groans then lifts you up momentarily before dropping you roughly onto your back on the sofa. You watch as he towers over you, loosening his tie with one hand and downing the rest of his drink with the other before tossing the glass to some unseen place.
“Good enough to eat,” he licks his lips and stares down at you in a way that sets your whole body ablaze. You bite down on the inside of your cheek as you watch him lower his mouth between your legs. He doesn’t waste time teasing or playing, he just moves the ridiculous, pointless thong you wore to the side and wraps his lips around your clit.
You gasp, your fingers flying to his hair. You pant and try to stay quiet as he sucks and licks, the thought of a Casino full of people below seems to only fuel how hot the situation is.
“Please…Minho…”
“Want me to stop Kitten?” he smiles, wiping the wetness from his lips and chin.
“No,” you shake your head back and forth frantically, your eyes darting down to the hardness bulging behind his pants. You slip your fingers under your underwear and pull, he helps you remove them easily.
“My girl gets whatever she wants,” he chuckles darkly, removing his belt and unzipping his fly, shimmying his pants and boxers down his thighs. He hitches your thigh around his hips and lowers himself, teasing your clit with the head of his cock.
“Mmm,” you whine, screwing your eyes shut, fresh manicure pawing at his hips to bring him closer, “please.”
With that, he pushes into you deep and hard and you gasp, your back arching off the sofa as his hips thrust, snapping against the back of your thighs. He grabs your hands and pins them over your head, fucking into you like it’s going to fix every problem he’s ever had. You try to meet his thrusts with your hips, lifting yourself off the couch just so, and it ends up hitting the most delicious spot, you can’t stop your eyes from nearly rolling back into your brain.
“Oh fuck,” you groan, “oh fuck, keep going, right there…fuck.”
“You’re so fucking perfect, my perfect little slut,” he grunts, unpinning your hands. He slides his fingers gently around your throat, not squeezing but anchoring you down while he drives his cock into you like you asked. You can feel the whitehot pull in the pit of your abdomen, you dig your nails into his arms and he moans from deep within, he stills himself and spills into you just as you reach your own climax.
He continues to pump in and out of you slowly, your eyes meet briefly and he’s about to say something when the door to his office opens.
“Sir, Mr. Park has the intel-,” Hyunjins voice stops abruptly and you flinch, “Shit. I’m sorry,” he says and you don’t have to see his face to hear the surprise in his voice, surprise laced with hurt.
“It’s fine,” Minho stands and pulls his pants back up while you lay motionless in front of him, out of Hyunjins line of sight, “Tell Park to give me five minutes, and arrange for ___s car to be pulled around please.”
“Yes sir.”
You sit up when you hear the door close, grab your panties off the floor and slide them back on. This was one hundred percent you, and you’re torn between feeling disgusted with yourself, and also wanting to ask Minho to come home with you. What has gotten into you?
“I’ll come over tomorrow,” Minho says, and you wonder if he can sense your desire to not part ways just yet.
“Okay,” you stand, voice quiet and legs still wobbly.
“I don’t really let people in,” he says, “I don’t really want to, it’s not worth caring about people when you stand to lose them, but you’re making it very hard for me ___.”
You’ve no idea what to say to that. The door opens again, and you brace yourself to look Hyunjin in the eyes right after he caught you fucking Minho after bearing his soul to you, but this time it’s Seungmin peeking his head in, “Car’s ready sir.”
“Go on,” Minho nods to the door, “Get home safe.”
You nod and turn on your heels, Seungmin silently escorts you down to the car, opens the door for you and shuts it, all without a word, thankfully. You don’t see Hyunjin again, and for that you’re also thankful, though you wager that it’s intentional on his part.
You ride home, watching lights blur together as you get lost in your own thoughts. You don’t think about Minho or Hyunjin, you push those away violently. Instead you think of inventory, think of stitches, practice them in your head, and think of how you miss the hospital. How you miss the fact that between rounds, white boards, charting, and drama you never had a spare second to get lost in bad thoughts, guilty thoughts. At one point you’d have traded it for just about anything, but now you crave it. You want your old life back. Though you think it’s probably too late for that.
🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️
You’ve just gotten out of the shower and tucked yourself into bed when you hear the pounding on the door. You look at your phone - no missed calls or texts. The pounding continues and you push the blankets off of you, wrap a robe around you, grab your phone and make your way downstairs.
You bet it’s Hyunjin, coming to tell you that he was wrong, that he never wants to see you or speak to you or even draw you on paper ever again. You almost open the door, but then Minhos voice in your head stops you.
If anyone ever comes knocking and they haven’t called first, tell them they have to give you the password before you unlock the door. Hellevator. If they can’t produce that specific word then don’t you dare open the door, and call me immediately.
Your hand freezes on the handle, “Give me the password!” you yell through the door, your heart suddenly pounding in your chest harder with every passing second of no answer. You unlock the phone in your hand and start to find the only contact you have saved in it.
Suddenly one of the metal chairs on the front porch comes crashing through the window. You scream, running towards the kitchen for a knife. When you dare to look back you see three men closing in on you, masks on their face, it’s the most terrifying image you’ve ever experienced. Like something out of a nightmare.
Foolishly you point the knife at them, but the nearest man seems unimpressed as he forcefully smacks it out of your hand.
“No, no!” you scream and try to run, but it seems like all you do is run straight into another mans chest, he turns you around, holding your hands painfully behind your back.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” you cry, throat searing with pain from the sheer volume of your voice.
“Shut her up!”
A thick, meaty fist comes down hard against the side of your jaw, you feel the inside of your cheek fill with blood almost instantly and you wonder if a tooth has been knocked out. Before you can process that, a hand comes down on your shoulder to hold you still against the man behind you, and the same meaty fist against your jaw comes down directly into your gut, knocking the wind out of you. Your knees buckle and the man from behind releases you, so you fall to the floor with a hard smack.
The men take turns kicking you in the back, the chest, the legs. The pain is so severe you black out every few seconds, only to come back to consciousness for another kick.
You’re not sure how long they do this. It could be minutes or hours, but finally they seem to stop. One of them bends down, grabs you by the hair and pulls your face off the floor.
“Tell your boyfriend Mr. Kim is waiting for his next move,” he laughs, then shoves your face into the floor violently, you can feel the blood seeping from your nostrils now.
You lay there, you can see their boots moving towards the door, shuffling out. The digital clock on the entry table says it’s just after midnight. You lay your head back down on the floor and close your eyes. When you open them back up it’s almost two in the morning. The house is dark, but you see the reflection of the refrigerator light glinting off your phone a few feet away. You lay your hands flat against the hardwood and try to drag yourself. Everything hurts, it hurts so bad, and you have no idea how bad the damage could be. You could be bleeding out internally for all you know. You try again, this time you move your legs just a little for momentum. It takes several tries before you move more than just wiggling your body.
Finally you make it to the phone, you unlock it, still on Minhos contact. You hit the call button and listen to the ringing echo in your ear.
“Hello?” he answers and you start crying into the phone in painful sobs.
“___? What’s wrong?”
“Help,” you manage to gasp into the phone between screams and sobs, the taste of salty, bloody spit covering your tongue, your lips.
“I’m coming baby, hold on.”
Then everything goes dark again.
🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️
You hear the voices first, though everything sounds like it’s underwater. It’s when you feel the hands on you that you shoot up, screaming, flailing, begging them to stop.
“__!! It’s me! It’s Hyunjin, sweetheart please!”
“Give her a bit of space.”
“God, they really fucked her up.”
“What should we do?”
All voices seem to be coming from different people, or they could be coming from the same person, you don’t know. You don’t care.
“__, open your eyes, it’s alright, you’re safe now.”
Safe. The very concept feels so far away right now that you actually laugh. You slowly open your eyes and wince at the bright light. Minho kneels before you, an indescribable expression on his face. Concern? Anger? Horror? You aren’t sure. You can feel your back propped up against someone, Hyunjin, you can smell his cologne. Seungmin and Changbin stand off in the background, hands in their pockets, looking at you like…well, like you’ve had the shit kicked out of you.
“Can you stand darling?” Minho extends his hand to you, but you won’t touch it.
You shake your head, the simple act a painful one, “You need to take me to a hospital,” you moan, “I need to get checked out, everything hurts so bad,” you sniff. You feel the tears spill down your face, hot and searing against your sore skin. Even crying hurts.
“I’ll take you, come on,” Hyunjin says from behind.
“You can’t go to any hospital,” Seungmin reminds him. “Especially with her all fucked up like this? They’ll throw down every red flag they can.”
“He’s right,” Minho nods.
“I don’t give a shit!” Hyunjin yells and it makes your ears ring, “What are they going to do? I don’t even have so much as a fucking parking ticket to my name, detain me? Big fucking deal!”
“They’ll detain you, and as soon as Kims cops get word you’re in there, the only way you’ll come out is in a body bag,” Minho explains.
The mention of the Kim name floods your thoughts with the deep, guttural words of the men who did this to you.
“He said…” your lip shakes and you can’t get the words out. Minho kneels back down and grabs your hands with his. “They said to tell my boyfriend Mr. Kim is waiting for your next move.”
Minhos jaw clenches, though you suspect he knew Kim was behind it regardless of the message. He stands back up and drags his hand down his face, “Seungmin, call Chris. He won’t be on anyone’s radar anywhere, he can escort her to the hospital. Changbin, call Felix and ask him to take the others to the new safehouse and get it set up for her, this one’s dead, no one comes back here.”
Changbin pulls his phone out and leaves the room. Hyunjin continues to hold you on the floor, rocking you gently in his arms.
“Even if Chris isn’t on any radars, they’re still going to know what happened to her,” Seungmin nods towards where you sit on the floor.
“They can tell the staff she fell down the stairs,” Hyunjin suggests but to your surprise both you and Seungmin scoff at this.
“They never believe that shit,” you say quietly. “I’ll tell them I got mugged walking home, Chris was a good samaritan that found me and brought me in, he can go wait in the car until I’m ready to be discharged, but I have to make sure nothing is bleeding internally, those bastards had to be wearing steel toed boots,” you groan, clutching your stomach.
Seungmin nods with a sad smile and walks off to make the call.
“We can’t let this go unpunished,” Hyunjin growls from behind you.
“And we won’t,” Minho looks down at him with a lethal visage.
🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️🗡️
“What did they say?” Christopher asks as you struggle sliding into the passenger seat.
“I’m not dying,” you pant, resting your head against the back of the seat. “Three cracked ribs, lots of deep bruising, a few lacerations but nothing that can’t be fixed with some pain killers and ice packs.”
“Good,” he nods, “Minho and Hyunjin have been calling nonstop, do you want to call them back?”
You shake your head, “No.”
“Works for me,” he shrugs, “Did the hospital ask any questions?”
“Obviously,” you scoff, “but I told them the same thing we said when we got there. You found me mugged, that’s why I didn’t have my ID or anything on me, I didn’t get to see who did it but he was wearing a mask and heavy black boots. They asked the police to come in and I gave them my statement but you and I both know they won’t look very hard. Eighty percent of the cops in this town are crooked, they probably already know who did this anyway. I doubt I’ll hear from them, especially since the address I gave them I won’t ever go back to again.”
“Yeah,” Chris shakes his head, “I’m sorry sweetie, this all just…really fucking sucks for you. The new house is gorgeous though, if it’s any consolation, I think you’ll like it.”
“I’m sure it’s nice,” you say, staring out the window, “but I won’t be staying long.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m out, and I know I shouldn’t be telling you this but I really don’t give a shit. I’m done. I’m not sticking around to wait for those…monsters to come back and finish me off, or get gunned down on my way to the fucking grocery store. No. I am out.”
Chris reaches over and takes your hand in his with a gentle squeeze, “I hear what you’re saying, and I hope that you get what you want, but honey - and I say this with all the love - don’t hold your breath.”
Endnotes:
Endnotes:
Taglist: @katieraven @linocz @screamobubbles @hpnsfwaddict @simpforleeknaur @the-sweetest-rosie @hyunjinhoexxx @aeri-skzver @mbioooo0000 @seungminindabuilding @moni-logues @shioriyametho @jamlessstars @tirena1 @bswrldd @chartrucewhore @yaorzu-blog all for wanting to be tagged!! I appreciate you <3 If your name is in bold I still can't tag you for some reason, so I apologize!!
As per usual, if you've made it this far, here is your virtual smooch! Thank you for reading <3
#skz fanfiction#hyunjin fanfiction#lee minho fanfiction#skz smut#hyunjin smut#lee minho smut#skz romance#hyunjin romance#lee minho romance#hyunjin x reader#lee minho x reader#Lee Know#Hwang Hyunjin
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Dallas with a s/o who lived in NYC too and has a similar accent as him pls🙏🙏 (Also I love love love you’re writing keep doing what you’re doing!!!)
Dallas Winston x Reader - NYC
Authors Note - I have like 3 asks before this but I love this and it means it get to write a NY accent and that's so fun
Sorry for never writing yall
No excuse I'm just lazy 💞
¤ Just a warning this is super stereotypical
¤ I'm sorry I'm from the south I don't know yall so I'm going off stereotypes 😭😭
¤ First of all people can barely understand either of you
¤ I mean everyone else has a southern accent, they're used to that
¤ So an accent that sounds like you're drunk 24/7 isn't exactly easy to understand
¤ If you're both from New York, you already have a lot in common
¤ The fights, the accent, the road rage, the food, all that
¤ Now I'm from the south, I haven't met a lot of New Yorkers
¤ But the ones I have met always have such a resting bitch face
¤ So like whenever someone introduced you to Dal (or the other way around) you both had that same, natural glare
¤ And somehow you both got the 'holy shit, you're a New Yorker too??' message
¤ I don't know how but New Yorkers just know if you're a New Yorker
¤ It's like a 6th sense
¤ So naturally you're both mean to each other
¤ The others are like 'oh shirt they hate each other'
¤ You don't
¤ Like eventually you leave and Dals all
"She ain't bad."
¤ And everyone's all
"You just insulted each other like.. 25 times?"
¤ And he just nods and lights a cigarette like he didn't just meet his second favorite person in this town
¤ Naturally you both see each other at some pizza place
¤ Probably one that's closest to greasy NY pizza
¤ This is meant as a compliment, yall have such good pizza omfg
¤ You both realize just how much you have in common
¤ How thick the air is, the random guy getting his ass beat as you're just minding your business, the fact nobody here can understand certain words you say
¤ You two understand each other
¤ If Dallas would ever open up to someone about his trauma (he wouldn't), it'd be you
¤ He knows you've seen at least a sliver of the same shit he did
¤ Anyways, both of yall love to hype of New York together
¤ Like really play into the stereotypes
"Oh ya', a rat nearly ate m' face off once"
"WHAT??"
"Happen'd to me, too"
¤ You both think it's hilarious
¤ Plus yall love to make your accents thicker to confuse people more
¤ Slur the vowels together, mumble more then you need to, then watch people try to figure out what the fuck you just said
¤ Dal gets all mad if someone asks him to lighten up the accent
¤ I think you both like hanging out together because it reminds the other of home
¤ Like Dal almost forgot what a New Yorker who wasn't him sounded like
¤ Plus if Dal ever met your parents, even though he's rude and kind of dangerous, they might tolerate him more
¤ Yall intumidate so many people omg
¤ Like half of that town are sweet southern people
¤ So seeing two New Yorkers you get the classic
"Ew, they're yankees"
¤ Yes we really do say that 👍
¤ But people get all scared cuz they're like 'omg they're gonna shoot me'
¤ Again, you both think it's the funniest shit
¤ Like being yelled at by a New Yorker is scary enough
¤ But TWO
¤ It's like you two are so intimidating together it's perfect
¤ Of course Dal asks you on a date to some pizza place and you two walk around the block sharing a cigarette
¤ Another thing
¤ You're actually used to the cold and he's so, so grateful for that
¤ Everyone else in Oklahoma gets all shivery the moment it's less then 60
¤ Like you don't complain about it and he loves that so much
¤ Back to the topic
¤ Date goes great
¤ Once you two become a thing you fight a good amount
¤ I mean you're from the North, it's natural (I think?? This might be stereotypical so sorry)
¤ Even people from the South fight with Dal so this isn't any different
¤ But since you're both used to fights the insults are crazy
¤ Like the gangs jaws have dropped hundreds of times with what the two of yall come up with
¤ Like it's the most foul, disturbingly impressive, heart breaking insults
¤ Then the other returns it with a snicker and another just as horrendously good insult
¤ Match made in heaven
#the outsiders#the outsiders headcanons#dallas winston#sodapop curtis#johnny cade#steve randle#two bit mathews#ponyboy curtis#darry curtis#the outsiders x reader#dallas winston hcs#dallas winston x reader#dallas x reader#the outsiders dallas#the outsiders dally#dally winston#dallas winston headcanons
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I finally figured out why all the party members in Book 2 come out as so frustratingly self-focused to me.
It's not because they're all struggling with their own stuff. It's all about shelving your agenda- that thing in a relationship where you go, 'You need my support right now, so we're going to worry about my thing later.'
And MC does this constantly.
I just barely escaped death and found out a year passed, but is Kade recovered from the Shadow Court?
I just almost drowned, but it's time to comfort this owlbear cub and unpack Valax's trauma!
I just almost died twice to the Ash Empress, but is Nia coping with being corrupted okay?
Which can be okay. Shelving your agenda is part of a healthy relationship of any kind.
The problem is that no one does it back. I think Tyril and Nia kind of sum up the whole group's attitude:
But I don't think MC was ever going to be 'ready.' Someone else was always going to have to 'unshelve' it for them and make an effort to put the focus on MC.
Now, adventurers don't tend to be particularly well adjusted people. The full party has got maybe 1.5 healthy childhoods and 4 living parents between them (judged pretty generously). But it still feels like the others can't get it together enough to ask if MC is okay. Not that MC really makes it easy! I see MC as someone who is so used to pushing their feelings down to focus on whatever work is in front of them, they almost can't access their own emotions.
Which is why we had the brief glimpses of panic and the breakdown moment in Chapter 17. I think the breakdown makes sense mechanically. Kade is the one character your MC is guaranteed to have a strong connection to and this way it's not gated behind any diamond choices (like some really crucial character moments with Aerin and Valax, no I'm not bitter about it). But that makes it feel like the whole party has been neglecting MC while Kade immediately sees MC and goes, "Dude, you are not okay. Talk to me.'
And MC tries to turn it into comforting Kade! Kade has to actively argue with MC to make them actually acknowledge that they're having a hard time.
MC for some reason can't or won't talk about their own trauma and Kade (who's only been around for 5 minutes) is the one who has to actively force the issue for MC's own good. Which is not a great look for the rest of the found family.
Afterward, Mal and Nia both seem to address it without really getting the point. Mal says, "We know things didn't go the way any of us wanted." (Which could mean... anything. But I'm feeling generous.)
Protecting MC from death is not an equivalent exchange to talking about feelings! It is in fact dodging the feelings by focusing on practicalities again! Y'all better get it together in Book 3, I swear.
Overall, MC constantly delays addressing their own vulnerability and issues to focus on everyone else. And the others don't know how to do the same thing for MC, so the pattern just gets more engrained and damaging.
Except for Kade, my perfect boy.
Sources (they're fun, I promise!):
Screenshots from Neckrone Shen's playthroughs of Blades on YouTube, my go-to for whenever I can't remember something or don't have the screenshots myself.
I think @oh-so-youre-a-nerd's incredible piece 'Take Take Take' kept rattling around in my head until I figured out how to articulate why it felt this way: https://www.tumblr.com/oh-so-youre-a-nerd/736449955360899072/take-take-take?source=share
The language of 'shelving your agenda' came from the very good Cinema Therapy video about Kristoff from Frozen:
youtube
#I will choose to try and make things make sense in-universe rather than citing writing choices 100% of the time#I love the team I just think there were some windows of downtime they really could have used to check on MC (all the time on boats...)#choices blades of light and shadow#blades of light and shadow#choices blades#blades 2#blades mc#choices bolas 2#choices bolas#tyril starfury#nia ellarious#kade#kade of riverbend
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Alright, 9-1-1 Bucktommy fans, It's time for my tinfoil hat moment. (this is the only thing keeping me sane rn)
So. Based on 8x06, it's easiest and the least painful to assume that Bucktommy is done for good.
HOWEVER...it is not out of the realm of possibility that those interviews were supposed to hit the way they did and they are really just fucking with us. OS's interview was less than ideal in multiple ways, unfortunately. If we follow with this, there may be a chance for them to get back together. Or if they are well and truly done, the chance for them to have an actual conversation about it. So here is my proposal:
8x07 is "Tommy Begins", set a few months after 8x06. In the present day, there is a multi-alarm emergency where the 217 and 118 are both there. In the flashbacks, we see Tommy in the army, facing indirect homophobia while trying to figure himself out.
Then his time at the 118 with Gerrard as captain, dealing with the same thing from the army. We see him try dating as a gay man, getting his first serious boyfriend circa ~2012-13. And thanks to the idea from @honestlynervousnut, it doesn't go well. It's abusive, manipulative, and when Tommy gets out of it, he tries to bury that part of him for good, associating moving in with a relationship going downhill. Thus enters Abby and the trauma etc.
We see him apologizing to Chim and Hen, and getting settled at the 217 while finally feeling comfortable with himself and his sexuality. Maybe there is another boyfriend or a few dates.
Present Day: The emergency is a nightmare, and it only gets worse when Tommy's helicopter crashes. Buck, despite trying to forget about his pain by sleeping around, still can't forget about Tommy. He's done some growing, some reflecting in there too. He drops what he's doing to run to Tommy. They get him to the hospital alive, but barely, maybe sprinkling in Tommy coding en route. Then they pull a Tarlos and have Buck talk to him while he's in a coma about how he still loves him, and wants to fight for them, and how he would be willing to start over if Tommy would just wake up.
The episode ends with Tommy squeezing Buck's hand and saying "Evan..."
THEN, just hold on, I'm not done yet.
8x08, we see Buck and Tommy have a heartbreakingly honest conversation while Tommy is in the hospital about Tommy's past relationships, his actual hesitation and reluctance to want to be with Buck. And Buck talks about how even though he thought he was secure in his sexuality, he wasn't actively trying to understand how to figure out what changed about him and what stayed the same while, sharing his growth too. Buck will bring up the line "you don't find a great love, you make it" and after the tears and the confessions, Buck says "I've never stopped loving you. And I won't, no matter how this ends, because as much as Abby was transformative, you blew my mind wide open to things that I never knew I could have." Buck gets his third chance, and they do say that the third time's the charm. He says the things he should have said last time.
Then there is more tears, Tommy says I love you back, and apologizes, and agrees to start over. Copy and paste Carlos holding on to TK's arm with a hand in his hair, but with Buck, and they kiss. Finally.
Then the camera pans to a shot of Bobby, Athena, Eddie, Chim, Lucy, and whoever else standing in the doorway/looking through the window but they can still hear all of Buck's speech, of Tommy's room, tears in their eyes and smiles on their faces.
Then the episode continues. Thanks for coming to my delusional TedTalk
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I don't like Vaggie getting retconned into an angel
(This one is more of a personal opinion/complaint/vent. I'm just trying to analyze why exactly I dislike this plot change. Viewer discretion is adviced)
When the leaks first said that would happen, I chose to believe it was fake until the very last second. I remember even denying it in my mind when I started watching season 1, hoping that they haven't implemented such a change....
Because the sinner Vaggie premise had so many interesting possibilities - of making her a person, someone interesting on her own, when separated from Charlie
Her sex worker past (meaning the incoming bonding with Angel Dust over shared trauma), her life in El Salvador, her death age that was supposed to be very young (early 20s dead in 2014) contrasting the other hotel residents exept for Niffty (who's from 50s), an interesting dynamic with Charlie where a human sinner gets together with an ancient demon princess - we were promised all of that.
The fandom built plenty of fancontent on the "sinner Vaggie" basis and got used to it. Not many expected an angel Vaggie, and I remember a lot of people saying that would be too obvious and boring and that that wouldn't happen
And in reality, it turned out to be even worse, in my opinion. Now Vaggie is literally one of the faceless Barbie dolls mass produced by Adam. She's so unimportant in-universe, she got broken and thrown away when she was no longer in use. Very symbolic, don't you think?
Her boss, Adam, is objectively more interesting than she is now! By becoming his inferior, Vaggie lost her miniscule interesting features in favour of being outshined by a male character! The one who mistreated her too. So typical... never change since the pilot era
To add salt to the injury, we learned that Vaggie IS in fact, short for Vagina, and that this "charming" name was given her by Adam, the sexist murderous pig! And she kept that name, as if actually liking it! Great!
(Vaggie being short for Vagatha was still unpleasant because Vivzie's dumb humour was obvious through and through, but a lot less offensive than what we actually got)
(And wow thanks a lot for that Vagatha joke with Sir Pentious. Way to mock the viewers by accentuating what was lost)
Also, Vaggie has basically no backstory now - "she was a murderer, then BAM she's not a murderer anymore, and out of nowhere she became a love interest for the main character". And her sparing a child was honestly such a cheap attempt at pulling at the viewer's heartstrings... why did she spend so many years murdering everyone in her way (making her the most effective exorcist, according to Adam himself!) but suddenly decided not to kill a child sinner? Were there no other child sinners before that one? Besides, it's hell, girl! That child could have drove his peer to suicide or killed animals for all we know!
And we are seriously supposed to care about a character who was a boring basic warrior intended for mass murdering just a while ago? Sure, that cliche can actually work with the right portrayal, but not like this! (Personally, I really felt my interest to Vaggie drop when the angel plot twist was revealed, it was like a cold shower)
That leaves Vaggie no choices of showing any personality whatsoever other than clinging to Charlie and having every moment of her life revolve around being with the princess, loving her and helping her. No thoughts, hobbies, world views and goals of her own. Come on, that's so bland!
Vaggie basically just changed one owner to another - from Adam to Charlie, to completely dissolve in their needs and wants instead of devoting some time to her own (which she can't have because she was born as a slave - that is if exorcists are created by Adam)
I feel like I shouldn't complain. I want to believe that if angel Vaggie was given time and space to develop, I'd like her, but really no... the very idea of making her part of Heaven was still-born to begin with, given the nature of hazbin hotel. This cartoon shot itself in the foot with an awful pacing. In the light of that, making Vaggie a significant part of a plotline that had no time to shine was a choice to avoid
And angel Vaggie should have stayed an urban legend in the fandom instead of making it into the show. I feel sad that for me Vaggie was ruined as Hazbin Hotel's aspect I could have enjoyed
I hope she at least gets more interesting interactions with Charlie and other characters in season 2. The ones in season 1 were not so bad, even if they're not the ones I wanted. And I'm still going to love Vaggie out of habit even if she's not the same anymore. Maybe I'll come around and start loving her as an angel eventually 🤞
P.S. why did they change the delicate white colour of her dress and the light pink colour of her bow to bright red shirt and bow? If she's a angel, wouldn't it have made more sense for her to be wearing pallette that has a bit of white in it to make her stand out? Even in that regard a questionable decision was made, dear god...
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The Hysterical Girls of St. Bernadette's by Hanna Alkaf Salaam Reads/ Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers
Publisher Summary: An all-girls school is struck with mysterious cases of screaming hysteria in this chilling dark academia thriller haunted by a deeply buried history clawing to the light.
For over a hundred years, girls have fought to attend St. Bernadette’s, with its reputation for shaping only the best and brightest young women.
Unfortunately, there is also the screaming.
When a student begins to scream in the middle of class, a chain reaction starts that impacts the entire school. By the end of the day, seventeen girls are affected—along with St. Bernadette’s stellar reputation.
Khadijah’s got her own scars to tend to, and watching her friends succumb to hysteria only rips apart wounds she’d rather keep closed. But when her sister falls to the screams, Khad knows she’s the only one who can save her. Rachel has always been far too occupied trying to reconcile her overbearing mother’s expectations with her own secret ambitions to pay attention to school antics. But just as Rachel finds her voice, it turns into screams.
Together, the two girls find themselves digging deeper into the school’s dark history, hunting for the truth. Little do they know that a specter lurks in the darkness, watching, waiting, and hungry for its next victim…
Note from author -- "It includes discussions and descriptions of sexual assault, trauma and PTSD. If this is too much for you right now, please set this book down and come back to it when you can. There is no shame in protecting your scars."
My Thoughts: Even before beginning, my worries went down a bit after reading the note from the author. I am not a person who reads horror as a general rule, but for some reason knowing what was coming, helped prepare me and also let me know that the author had thought ahead to care for the readers. This made me more willing to dive in even though scary books are not what I usually grab first.
There are definitely creepy and rather horrifying moments within the pages of this book, but it was also incredibly intriguing. It has Salem witch trial vibes with what seems like random hysteria and it's not something easily explained. When there is so much that is unknowable, there is a lot of room for imaginations to run rampant.
The author shares the story through two perspectives and that choice helps readers see everything unfolding from very different contexts. And there are many layers to what is happening so it is good to have more than one way to pick up the clues that are scattered here and there.
Like the characters, readers are likely to wonder if this is all created or manifested due to humans and their own issues or whether there may be some monsters lurking about. The answer is a complex one that I will obviously not reveal, but the many moments of wondering kept me flipping the pages rapidly.
Beyond the actual screaming, there are questions or ponderings about how girls are perceived, how they are meant to act, who listens to them and when and how they use their voices. There's a lot going on beyond the ghost/monster portion of the story though there is plenty of that for those readers who love that aspect.
My Recommendation: Get it as soon as possible. Do not skip it unless it would be too much right now. This would be a great Halloween read, but could work anytime really. It's a unique story that raises many questions and for me the ending was particularly satisfying. This was one of my favorite books of the year.
Pages: 352 Review copy: ARC via publisher & library copy Availability: On shelves now
Extra: Brief talk on mass hysteria - Hanna Alkaf on TikTok
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Hi! Me again!
Lately I've reading a lot of Harry/Severus fanfics and I think it's a interesting ship. Do you have any thoughts about Severus as character? And what do you think about the ship Harry/Severus? Do you think it could work? 🤔
I look forward to reading your thoughts on this.
Spirea ✨
Hi again 👋
Took me a while to get to this ask, and like with all things shipping, ship whatever you want, have fun, it's fictional, and these are just my thoughts.
So, I obviously do have thoughts about Severus as a character. It's hard not to when he's as relevant as he is to the plot. I mentioned my general thoughts about him here. The summary of these thoughts is that I find him interesting for a multitude of reasons, and I like that he's usually competent, if emotionally unstable.
Now, about Snarry, personally, I'm not a Snarry shipper. A few years ago, I tried to read some Snarry fic, out of curiosity. Like, when I see a ship idea that either intrigues me or makes me go "wtf?!" in a good way, I often check out a fic or two, just to see what's it about, see if I'm interested. In the case of Snarry, I wasn't.
Like, I read a lot of Severitus (Severus as a mentor/father figure to Harry) around that same time, and I preferred that dynamic over the romance.
Now, ignoring my own preference, would this work?
Eh... depends on how you define work.
Like, this relationship would be a mess for so many reasons (which I guess is part of the appeal). Like, even ignoring the age difference and student-teacher taboos or if we're talking post-war Severus-lives AUs, this is going to be messy.
Like, a lot of fans talk about Sirius projecting James onto Harry, but I don't think he does, if anyone is projecting James onto Harry, it's Severus. He does treat Harry more like an equal threat than a student (which lends itself to Snarry if you wanna go there), but it also means Severus spends the books having no idea who Harry is until pretty late in the story when he starts glimpsing that maybe he isn't James, but then chooses to ignore all these glimpses. He is actually, legitimately terrified of Harry.
Like, Severus doesn't allow himself to see Harry as a separate person from James, who he despises. So, you gotta work through that to make the ship work.
Harry is a very empathetic and forgiving person, so I'm not putting forgiving Snape and moving on with his life past him, since it's kind of what he did anyway.
The reason I liked Severitus is because Snape and Harry have things in common working for their dynamic. They both had abusive home lives as children. They both share the responsibility for something so much greater. Severus in the books isn't just living for himself, he's carrying this fucking war on his shoulders, and by book 7, Harry is too. They are two characters that due to their respective traumas and life circumstances never really got to have a childhood (and in Snape's case an adulthood, since he didn't really choose to be a teacher) So they have the potential to understand each other so well under different circumstances.
I also think Severus would appreciate Harry's sass the moment he stopped seeing him as James and stopped perceiving the disrespect as a threat. And in Severitus, I like that Sev is a connection to Lily Harry usually doesn't get (since Sirius and Remus only really talk about James) but in Snarry, it's kinda icky for me.
Like, I don't like that Severus would be projecting either James or Lily on Harry in an equal relationship because he kinda would. He already does, and it's going to be a mess.
I'm also not sure how well their temperaments would really work together. Like, they're both not great with emotional regulation and are inclined towards anger and petty retribution/vengeance. It means that whenever they disagree with each other on the smallest thing ever, it'll be super easy for it to blow out of proportion and become big because they have a point. Like, Harry would say something cheeky that'll anger Snape more, and it doesn't matter if they are at school or post Hogwarts, their relationship doesn't matter, Snape's gonna say "twenty points from Gryffindor," on instinct (could be really funny in a post-war story, not so funny if Harry's a student). Like, their relationship would just be very volatile, which is not something I'm personally into, but that you're allowed to like in fic.
Basically, they will need to put a lot of work in to make their relationship work and for them to stay together as a romantic pair. Severitus is different since there is a clear power structure, Severus doesn't feel threatened by Harry and Harry knows Severus isn't his peer in that dynamic. Romance is different, since to make a romance work, they need to see each other as equals, which for Snape, means seeing Harry as a potential threat to himself and his image, and for Harry, it means treating Snape as someone he can sass and disrespect (which would make Snape's fears worse, and kinda what we see in the books).
And that's before talking about Snape's guilt about this relationship. Like, he already hates himself and would take any excuse to hate himself further while pretending it's all fine, he'll insist that everything is good through gritted teeth and the veneer of pride. Especially if Harry's still a student, Snape knows it's wrong, and he shouldn't, but he still would and crucify himself inside his own mind. He'd imagine Lily screaming at him over it, or something. So that, like, adds to the mess. Even post-war I think Severus would think he shouldn't for so many reasons. He'd find more and more reasons why not. So, like, Harry would need to be the one to pursue the relationship, and I don't really see him doing it without substantial divergence/AU sprinkled in.
Like, I don't think they would realistically get together, but fic is fic, and therefore anything could happen. These are just my thoughts.
#harry potter#hp#hp meta#asks#hollowedtheory#ship talk#spireasalix#severus snape#harry james potter#snarry
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Hi! I just wanted to know your thoughts on this post here: https://www.tumblr.com/yamishika/761491771751596032/something-that-has-been-bothering-me-regarding-the
Do you agree with this? Disagree with this? Was this just a light comedic moment? It def feels out of character for Jellal to a large degree. You have such great takes on Erza in general, that I wanted to check about this. I tried looking at your posts (now that I have better cell service) and didnt see this on your posts list. Apologies if you’ve covered it already. Thanks in advance!
the post in question^
thanks so much for this ask actually cuz I have been resisting the urge to yap about this forever and now I have an excuse ahaha.
honestly I completely agree, I've been saying it forever but as fairy tail has gone on Mashima has kind of stopped putting as much thought into it has he did early on. Early on the characters where the center of the narrative and honestly I think that's when ft is at its best because that has always been the best part if ft as a whole. The tower of heaven and the trauma Erza and Jellal faced along with countless others had so much impact on the story as late as season 6 because of just how massive a tragedy it was.
starting with Erza and Kiria, it feels especially disgusting for this to happen to specifically Erza because she has spent so much of her life being treated as less then human already. In the tower her purpose was literally to work herself to death, they needed sacrifices and lots of them. As soon as she wasn't useful to them anymore she would killed without a second thought and her life would only be another number added to the massive death toll of the r system project. she wasn't a person in there, she was a tool. Even after the tower she was still under someone else's control (on a leash you might say) with Jellal holding the lives of her friends over her head to keep her quiet, constantly taunting his power over her by spying on her with seigrain in the magic counsel. this is exactly what happens with Kiria and it feels genuinely horrifying to see it happen again but still its just played for fanservice and I find that incredibly irritating.
as for the Erza vs Jellal fight in the Aldoron arc, here we have a scene that is objectively horrifying to both of them. Erza and Jellal share INTENSE trauma associated with mind control and the loss of free will, and yet the scene is played for laughs and fanservice.
I do understand why Hiro did this, if they took the scene seriously it would probably set Jellal right back into his old ways again of avoiding Erza like the plague which he doesn't want because he's trying to push them closer together. I get that but its still feels like such a missed opportunity to give them some kind of emotional development which neither has had in so long. I'm gonna get into my own idea for the fight here so bear with me.
The fight begins and they intercut it with flash backs to the tower of heaven arc, or even further back to their actual childhood, showing how genuinely afraid of him Erza is right now while also trying to control herself and keep her "fight" instinct at bay because she doesn't want to hurt him. the fight from her perspective should be chaotic, rapidly throwing her between past and present while she desperately tries to hold onto a sense of reality and remind herself its not him.
now imagine this, at some point she loses control and really starts to spiral and he gets the upper hand. she's totally beaten and exhausted after trying to fight him and her demons at once and while she's on the ground he approaches her, lifts her up, and we get a call back to this scene.
throughout this fight we never really see Jellal's face, its mostly been from Erza's perspective and when we do see his face its a flashback to a different time while he was mind controlled. Now in the present jellal says something, idk what he would say exactly, but its something similar to the "it was the color of your hair" moment where it reminds Erza of something he said to her while he was himself. Erza finally snaps back to reality, she looks down at him and we finally get a clear view of his face in the present, and we see that he's crying.
that is enough to fully snap Erza back and finally give the fight her all, because its not just for her sake its for both of them. he would never forgive himself if he hurt her so she's going to have to be the one to do it even if it hurts because its the only way she's going to save him. and more than anything she wants to save him. (Again, call back to the tower of heaven, she was to late to save him then and it weighs on her to this day, she wont be to late this time.) anyway fight ends shortly after that she knocks him out and she's crying because obviously she never wanted to hurt him either she's just taking one for the team (like always but that's another rant). Just before Jellal passes out he looks at her and he thanks her for saving him (ONCE AGAIN CALL BACK TP THE TOWER OF HEAVEN but this time its not manipulation he's being fr showing us that its really him now). he passes out, erza gets up, looks back at him maybe one last time, says shes sorry, then goes off to go keep fighting. fight over
case and point I think this could have been sick as hell and i'm sad it didn't happen. its not that I have a problem with fanservice I just think it should be tasteful at least a little.
#fairy tail#yappin#jellal fernandes#erza scarlet#jerza#ig its kinda jerza#anyway yea i have thoughts on this#lots of em
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hi, sorry. i just wanted a place to rant and uh. this got away from me. feel free to ignore this! sending love to you and all my fellow bucktommies! <3
can i say this: "playing the field" is a bullshit argument. if you (general) had to experience Every Single Thing in life until you are "wise enough" to make choices and have commitments as a grown ass adult, none of these couples could be together. wdym athena didn't sleep with tons of women and trans people before choosing bobby? she cannot possibly know that she loves bobby, a person with a penis, because sHe HaSn'T pLaYeD tHe FiElD enough yet! because what if her "last" is actually not bobby? bobby could die tomorrow. it's not unlikely. athena doesn't know when he might die. bobby doesn't know when athena might die. they don't know if maybe some hurdle will break them someday. and still, we see them treat each other as "their lasts" and investing in their shared future. that is what humans do.
the fact of life is this: you have billions of human beings on this planet and thus plenty of options every day that you have to choose from. that also means that when you made that choice, your are aware that you forfeit the opportunity to get a different outcome. that goes for every single friendship, relationship, hookup, job offer, hobby, place to live, and so forth. realistically, none of us will ever have it all. that is not possible. buck is a firefighter and thus forfeits the opportunity to be a teacher or a zoologist. buck is living in his loft, thus forfeits the opportunity to buy a house. buck buys a couch, thus forfeits the opportunity to have a different one.
that is LIFE, baby.
if the 911 writers think that one must have lots of sex to know when one is in love, well! good news! buck did that already in season 1! buck went through multiple "updates" to learn what he wants. "love" is not suddenly a completely different and unknown concept to buck. he has loved before. he is loving people right now. he has lived through more things than any other person ever will in their lifetime. has experienced eye-opening trauma that clearly says that life is fucking short. and you tell me that after all this he just accepts that others tell him what he supposedly feels? nah fam. this is once again feeling like buck is just "going with the flow" because despite 7 seasons of development, he still seems to let others tell him what he thinks and feels and wants. i'm pretty sure he knows what he wants. buck told tommy that he thinks what he wants could be with tommy. he said it from the beginning. but then the show suddenly pulls a 180 and decided that, actually, buck is unwilling to put in any work.
bobby's first wife and mother of his children died, and nobody questions that his love for athena is real. eddie's wife and love of his life died, and everybody is still hoping he finds another great love after her. you can never know what happens in life, and none of that diminishes the fact that love is real and meaningful and worthy to fight for when you are feeling it! just like chimney went after maddie and pushed to support her despite maddie herself telling buck to not tell chim where she is (which buck respected and got punched for as a thanks). chim explicitly went against maddie's wishes because he knew this was a moment to fight for and support maddie.
just like the old tommy said: "you make it". and that's exactly it! buck has tons of options nd he could find "the one" in multiple people. until buck is dead, he will continue to have options. and it will be a continuous choice to stay in a committed relationship regardless of the other options that will always be there, no matter who he ends up with in the end. that is how life is. he could sleep with thousands of women and men and still be alone because sex with strangers is an investment into something "fun", yes, but not something that is a committed relationship. buck has learned that lesson in season 1. at some point in life, you either choose one person and put effort into that relationship, or you will never make any choice at all and thus never have any of "the ones" that you could have had.
buck can choose to invest his time in meaningless hookups. that is a valid choice to make. however, we know that buck was unhappy with that. why are they trying to reheat a 6-year-old moudly soup?
bucktommy is not even a "the one that got away" story for that reason. we know that both tommy and buck actually want commitment. they are literally on the same page. and instead of fucking committing, of intentionally choosing each other day after day after day, communicating about their insecurities and feelings and needs some more... they suddenly pull back completely? what the actual fuck is that logic? either you want to be in a committed in a relationship or not. make a choice. most people literally talk about that on the first date. making tommy pull back like that after 6 months is horrible, but making buck accept this without any pushback is frankly stupid. THAT would have been the moment to fucking fight for this relationship and point out that "yes, i could easily go fuck other people with different genitalia and guess what, i have been aware of that option existing this whole time but the point is that i INTENTIONALLY CHOOSE to be WITH YOU". but for some reason... nothing. poof. done.
and then i think back to red's story and how it affected buck tremendously... how red put his work first for decades and that he always regretted not investing more into his true love which he met when he was young... red did not choose the person he loved. he chose his job. he did not put in the effort to build a relationship, did not take any risk, and was thus had to live with the consequences of his own actions (living utterly alone after retiring because colleagues are not forever). and that is the thing: there will be what-ifs and consequences in all our lives. you can only be on one (1) path at a time. there will be chances missed. lives you maybe could have had. but this is not how real life works. so you either start making intentional choices and accepting the fact that all of life includes risk and potential heartbreak, or you will regret living as if you are paralyzed.
just. sorry. i didn't plan for my rant to be so long but i'm still so mad at this bullshit take that they gave to tommy of all people. i love tommy, he isn't at fault here. i love buck, he isn't at fault here. the writing in the last episode, however, is really making me fucking mad. it's so condescending and disrespectful to buck as a character but most importantly to bisexual/pansexual people. just because "there are more options" for bisexual people does not mean that the dilemma isn't the same for every human being. if you want love, you have to choose it. you have to work for it. you have to fight for it. you have to communicate what you want and need. you have to be a team with your partner to deal with hurdles together.
this has nothing to do with the size of the dating pool. it's about knowing what you want. all characters in a committed relationship, namely athena, bobby, chimney, maddie, hen, and karen, all have a big potential dating pool. they could all sleep around forever if they wanted. they could test every kink under the sun. however, they do not want to sleep around. it's as simple as that. and there is nothing wrong with you if you intentionally pass by certain opportunities. people know what they want. this is like men telling women that their life will never be "complete" if they don't have children of their own. like how fucking condescending is it to assume that you know what's best for another person when they are mature enough to form their own opinions?!
with how they have written buck for the past 7 seasons, it seemed like he wants commitment. this was established in the pilot episode. but if he just "accepts his fate" and sleep around now, no strings attached? well. okay. so what i am hearing is that either buck still does not know what he wants in life or that the past 7 seasons are a lie and actually his key to happiness is fucking strangers. either way, he has been stagnant for years in this endeavor.
buck and tommy could have easily fought for this to work. this was the perfect opportunity. but they didn't. and now i really think that they have truly lost the plot with buck's overarching storyline. very saddening.
You took the words right out of my mouth, Nonnie.
Sending you so much love as well, and, please, keep speaking your truth. 🫶
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Astarion NSFW Headcanons with Reader
Astarion has explored sexuality fully in his past, but never in a way that he had ever had any control over. He was so emotionally detached from it that he never really considered what it was he actually likes to do with a partner. It never really mattered before.
Once he’s on his path to recovery, though, he finds he enjoys sampling all the options that are available to him. If you’re up for it he’ll try damn near everything. It’s almost like trying to shop with him: “A little of this a little of that, oh no, neither will do.”
The early days of this new adventurousness are largely left for less intense, light-hearted fair. He’ll happily suggest things like chocolate and whipped cream, after all, he gets to sample something sweet while you two are entwined together, why shouldn’t you? Exploring like this is pretty important in reframing what sex means to him. It lets him shrug off some of the burdens he’s always felt attached to sexuality, and turns it into something fun. Something blissfully free of anything outside of enjoying one another.
There is one notable exception, he won’t be subbing. He may trust you with all his heart, but trust doesn’t cure trauma. It may be something he’s willing to try eventually, but it will take years before he can even think about it without getting upset. Especially picturing the person who helped free him being the one to dominate him. That alone can be triggering for him.
That doesn’t mean he isn’t pleased as can be with bottoming or pegging. He is genuinely excited to be on either side of that specific dynamic, especially when you two are just having fun together.
Rough sex is also very much still on the table. He doesn’t mind you pulling his hair or scratching your nails down his back. Not to mention how precious he thinks it is when you bite him. He loves it when you do.
He is more than happy to play dom, truthfully he gets a lot of satisfaction out of doing it. It affords him the ability to set the pace for encounters, and lets him spoil you in all the ways he delights in. He’ll be a little tentative when you start playing those games with him, making sure you’re okay with everything and checking in constantly. He gets comfortable quickly when he sees just how enthusiastically you respond to him.
And he is very eager to take that sort of thing as far as you want. His favorite thing to do is tease you for as long as possible while he’s got you tied up. Really make you beg for him. He finds it deeply fulfilling to have the person he needs the most need him back.
He’ll never in your entire life turn down an opportunity to feed on you during sex as long as it’s safe to do so. Even if he’s already fed. His favorite is to bite right as you cum, so he can drink from you at your most heightened moment, and see you well and properly spent when he’s done with you.
While he’s fine with you indulging in others, for the most part you’re going to be all he needs for a while. Sure he’ll test the waters with group sex, but if he doesn’t have the person he trusts most with him, he doesn’t have much interest. Whether or not that changes is up to the way you navigate your relationship. As long as you’re tending to his needs, he feels no real pressure to make any change in that regard.
He’ll always have a soft spot for deep and romantic moments of intimacy. Those moments when your souls feel connected and it seems like no one else in the world could ever grasp the depth of what the two of you share. He’ll go to great lengths to set up romantic moments like that for you, and if you repay him in kind you’ll never see more adoring eyes and a sweeter smile from him. It’s one of the few times he allows himself to indulge in saccharine sentiments.
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Huskerdust Analysis and Prediction's for Season 2 (Also some goofy headcanons)
Besides a few writing and pacing issue's I overall fucking loved Hazbin hotel and can't wait for season 2. One of my favorite subplots being Huskerdust now I know some people think of them and prefer more a Mentor and Mentoree type of relationship between them. That's completely valid and I can see that but I think they can still have that with Husk helping Angel overcome more of his trauma but still be a romantic item.
Analysis: We see multiple moments between them of course the main episode between them being episode four where we really explore more of Angels character and his trauma we also see Husk calling Angel out for hiding behind this fake persona to cope with that trauma. Where of course we get the freaking masterpiece Loser, Baby and see them reconcile and bond over their shared and similar pain.
In episode 5 we see a bit more of Husk's issue's with Alastor come up when he confront Alastor about Mimzi. Where of course this leads to Alastor retaliating by scaring the shit out of Husk showing the green chains representing Alastor's hold on Husk's soul and literally leaves him shaking we can really see the deeper and hidden part of their relationship literally like Master and Plaything. Then in episode six we see Angel and Valentino and their confrontation where Angel is standing up for Niffty then leads to him say fuck you to Valentino (as he should fuck you Valentino) then leads to him to smoking the chains around Angel representing Master and Plaything. We can really see their similar, yet different situations and we can see them further even more bond over it in season 2.
That all sets up the rest of their moments for season 1 my favorite being the finale with their small bar scene where can see them looking at each other in some could say flirtatious and entraced manner.
The amazing thing about their relationship and one thing I see that Vivienne did actually great with in he writing is that it can work good as a romance or a deep friendship which both I would be ecstatic for either way. Whether you ship them or not they are still going to mean something to each other romantically or platonically and help each other over come each other's trauma.
Predictions:
With all the signs and hints from Vivienne and within the show itself I expect them to end up in a romantic relationship with each other. Now how I expect this to play out is in two seperate ways that blend together. One way exploring the more serious sides of what they bond over of course their trauma. Seeing Husk helping Angel confront Valentino maybe and digging deeper into Husk's past with Alastor and how Husk may break from that or another way this could go is they end up both still being trapped for season 2 but starting a relationship over their shared bonds, similarities, chemistry, and over all just being good for one another.
The second less serious part of it will I think be Angel trying to ask Husk out. We can see Angel oversexualizing and objectifying himself for others as other's also oversexualize and objectify him all the time to the point he's uses it as mask but Husk as seen in episode four helps break that mask down showing he want's to know who Angel really is not who other's make him out to be and he want's him emotionally and not just sexually.
In turn Angel not being used to this but wanting Husk not just as a one night stand but an actual partner will have trouble asking Husk out. Leading to some awkward moments like with Sir Pentious and Cherry bomb where Angel attempt's to ask Husk out in certain moments but ultimately at the last second fumbling over his words and changing the subject unlike his usual flirting. In the end I think Husk will catch on to this and ask Angel out himself or take a moment to ask Angel to breathe and just to say what he want's to say. Which will either way probably leads to a very cute and romantic date hosted by Husk.
Headcanons:
This is the least serious part of this just some silly and cute things I headcanon for them.
Pet names: I feel like they would use Baby and Doll the most.
Affection: Definitely physical touch but not in a sexual way I think Husk would hold Angel's hand or things like a small kiss or wrapping his tale or wing around him. Word's of Affirmation alot of discrete I love you's and such.
Husk I think would definitely be very protective over angel with cat callers or people oversexualizing him and just in general even though Angel would probably say things like "I can handle myself." Husk wouldn't care and be an overprotective asshole and Angel would act like he hated it but secretly loves it.
They would be jealous in their own ways Husk I would be more open about it like pulling Angel close or glaring at whoever he dislikes. Angel would be more grumble and hide it type but Husk can always tell.
Angel would be a flirt with him but in a more himself way and Husk would sometimes flirt back leaving Angel super flustered
Finally when it comes to sex I feel like consent and bounderies would be immediatly placed to make Angel feel definetly more comftorable to let him know this is because they love eachother and not just to use Angel. Husk would 100% be the top. I feel like their first time would be more intimate and slow but I feel like it could also be that one meme where afterwards the one person flustered just staring at the ceiling over what just happened (Angel) and the other is just also staring at the cieling with his hand behind his head unphased (Husk). Later on I feel like they would try things like BDSM and that stuff but later on in the line.
Anyway, there's my autistic info dump on Huskerdust if you read all the way down you are either a God or neurodivergent . Here's some cookie's for making it this far:
#Huskerdust#HazbinHotel#Chaggie#Gay#HelluvaBoss#Charlie#Good Omens#Autisim#For you#Heartstopper#Hell#Demons#Neurodivergent#hexsquad#dnd
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Jason Todd x Brazilian!Reader
this is for @veenus777, who commented they wanted a jason version to this! so here it is. . . .
The vibrant colors of the city and the infectious rhythm of samba stir something deep within him, a curiosity he can't ignore.
As you show him around, Jason is captivated by the historical landmarks, such as the Selaron Steps in Lapa, the Christ the Redeemer statue, and the beautiful architecture in the historic city center. He's particularly fascinated by the way history is interwoven with the present, the layers of time visible in the worn cobblestone streets and the juxtaposition of the old and the new.
In your relationship, Jason's intense nature is balanced by your charm. He's protective and fiercely loyal, much like a guardian angel, always watching your back and making sure you're safe. You, on the other hand, have a calming effect on him, helping him let go of some of his past traumas and find solace in the present.
Jason's sense of justice aligns perfectly with your values, making it easy for you to support each other in your endeavors. You both share a love for adventure, and the two of you often find yourselves exploring the nooks and crannies of the city.
Being in a relationship with Jason means embracing the duality that defines him. One moment you're laughing together, enjoying a caipirinha and the warm Brazilian sun, and the next you're diving into action back in Gotham, side by side. . . . bonus! . . .
The sun had begun to set, painting the sky in hues of pink and orange as you and Jason stood atop the Selaron Steps. The sun's rays kissed the tiles, making them glisten like precious gems.
"I've never seen a sunset like this," Jason remarked, his voice low and gravelly.
You smiled, wrapping an arm around his waist. "It's the magic of Rio, a city that captures the heart and imagination."
Jason turned to face you, his gaze intense. "You've shown me so much, Brazil and of yourself. I'm grateful to have you as my guide."
You leaned in, brushing your lips against his in a soft, sweet kiss. "And I'm glad you're here, Jason, it means a lot… having you actually here with me," you whispered, your heart swelling with affection.
He pulled you closer, his arms wrapping around your waist, pressing you against him. Jason wasn't great at relaying his thoughts and emotions verbally, but he'd always let you know in the little ways that he needed you near him.
Hand in hand, you watched the sun sink below the horizon, the city below bathed in the warm afterglow of the sunset. As the stars began to twinkle in the inky night sky, you knew that in each other's arms, you'd face whatever challenges awaited, hand in hand.
Together, you'd navigate the winding paths of life, finding adventure and love in the most unexpected places. Side by side, you'd laugh, fight, and explore, forging a bond as unbreakable as the tiles beneath your feet.
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Y’all.
The point of the Clone Wars flashback in the Ahsoka series was partially fan service. Yes. But, those of you that are mad that Obi-Wan and Cody and Waxer and Boil and Mace Windu and Ursa Wren and Gar Saxon and Maul and Bo-Katan Kryze and Rook Cast weren’t in it missed the whole goddamned point of the flashback, so let me explain:
Everyone has bitched tirelessly about Ahsoka being stoic and reserved and “not like herself” (I will die on the “she’s in her forties…leave my baby girl alone… she’s tired, sore and premenopausal…” hill, still…)
Ultimately, she’s been “out of character” because she was carrying all of the Anakin trauma around like a two hundred pound weight on her shoulders. She blamed herself, and she feared who she was so much so that she was unwilling to get close to others and spread the wisdom that the years have afforded her…something a Jedi just does. She couldn’t bring herself to do it.
Enter this sequence… the moment she FINALLY lets go of the Anakin guilt/ hang ups.
I knew something like this was coming. Some moment that changed her back to the more recognizable Ahsoka. The one that embraced her friends. The one that was willing to share the lessons that she learned with others. The one that would have loved to have a padawan of her own. The one that wasn’t always running away, being flaky.
This was it. And, there were two big takeaways from the moment.
1.) Anakin was always Vader, and Vader was always Anakin… and she had nothing to do with that. Her leaving the order played literally no role. It wasn’t on her. It never was. He was already teetering on that line way before she entered his life. I mean, he slaughtered an entire village of Tuskens down to the last woman and child. He said and did questionable shit to Ahsoka herself too throughout their time together. Was he like a brother to her? Sure. Was he borderline abusive at times? Also, yes. Regardless, her eyes were opened in that first battle…where he basically told her to fight or die. Fair, under the circumstances… still, Ahsoka was trained to be a Jedi, not a murderer. Anakin relished in it. She didn’t really, especially when it came to losing her own men in battle. The clones were her friends, her brothers. Anakin didn’t seem to give a shit about the clones. Unsurprising.
2.) She realized that it wasn’t just Anakin’s legacy that she would carry on. She has her own legacy. It doesn’t have to be one of death and destruction. Is Ahsoka a lot like Anakin? Yes. She’s impulsive, hot-headed, stubborn, emotional, and intense, but that’s not all. Ahsoka is caring, patient, understanding, and loving in a compassionate sense. She’s grown wise, strong and sage. Anakin isn’t the only part of her line and that legacy… Obi-Wan is a part. Qui-Gon is a part. Yoda is a part. Ahsoka is a little bit of all of them. It made her realize that she’s so much more than just a warrior. She’s a great Jedi like the ones that came before her. Inevitably, she has a choice. She can choose not to serve the dark, despite it being part of that legacy, and she can pass on what she has learned without fear.
The moment was about just that. It wasn’t meant to actually be an episode of The Clone Wars. The flashback served a very specific purpose as laid out above. There are 133 episodes of The Clone Wars if you want to watch a Clone Wars episode with all the characters of the Clone Wars. This moment was about Ahsoka overcoming her guilt and fear caused by Anakin becoming what he became so that Ahsoka could actually embrace who she is. Specifically.
Now we have a happy, more well-rounded, Gandalf-like Ahsoka that has slayed her Balrog. Now we get to see her be the Jedi she has always been inside. Now we will see her be there for her friends. Now we will see her mentor and share her wisdom and teach the ways of the ones that came before her without fear.
#star wars#ahsoka tano#the clone wars#ahsoka series#ahsoka spoilers#pro jedi#anakin skywalker#shadow warrior#because some of you missed the whole ass point#battle of ryloth#siege of mandalore#ahsoka the white
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First kiss
Short story
So you guys have been in a relationship - for some time now
- Working on his trauma was hard but it was worth it
- Technically you guys were together but you just didn't announce to anyone
- But the Crows knew
- They would always share tiny smiles with each when you guys touched briefly or had those intimate moments that didn't need physical touch
- They would just look at each other and be like 'our ship is flying ya'll!'
- Back to the kiss
- You guys have actually had a few pecks here and there that were caused from jealousy, chaos, and fear
- Ya'll just weren't ready so they just - weren't right... And panic attacks commence
- So reminder you guys have been together for a few years now
- You guys were in Jesper and Wylan's - mansion
- You and the Crows had been were visiting before and just decided to stay over for tonight
- And in your own little separate room
- And you were going to go sleep somewhere else
- Maybe the couch you didn't sleep great without Kaz's or at least presence and there was no couch in there just a bed
- And he grabs your arm
And you freeze momentarily because he doesn't have gloves on and you honestly thought that he was kinda exhausted and done for today
- Apparently not
So you slowly turn around to face him
- And he has this look in his eyes
- You just what to melt right on the spot when you see them
- Because it has this pleading look in them, love, and some desperation
- How could you say no?
"Are you okay?"
- By anyone else this would look like a simple question but in reality it was 'what do you need, I'll be there was for ect.'
- And he just takes a step closer to you and takes in a breath
- He's trying to find the words to use and he's struggling a bit and honestly it looks kinda cute
- Finally he's says: "Can we try to kiss?"
- And your just blown away because you didn't think he would want this, or even be able to try and you were okay with that
- Speechless you just nod your head
- And he takes another step closer
-And he shakily places a his hands on your shoulders
- And he leans in a bit and you look him right in the eyes and his breath hitches
- "Are you sure?" It's more of are you ready and please don't do anything if your uncomfortable I won't be mad
- Damn you and Kaz with your basically mind reading
And you never got an answer to that question
- Because he just kiss's you
- It's really light at first but then he deepens it and his fall to your waist (somehow)
- And your hands hesitantly go around his neck
- And he tastes like metal, blood, sugar (don't ask), the clear blue sky, and HOLY CRAP!!!
-Your kissing!
- And when you finally pull away he rests his forehead on your and yes!
- He does kinda separate your bodies though so their not touching as much
- BUT STILL!
- And the poor boy has tears in his eyes and he just buries his face into your neck
- And you pull away and your like did we go to far?!
- But he just says he never thought he would do anything like that with anyone!
- So you guys decided none sleeping together
- but floor you ask him if you can sleep on the
- And you find some blankets and pillows quietly
- The next morning the Crows go to wake you too up
- But your already up sitting on the window sill with the window open
- Hands linked
- Shoulders touching a bit
- So they just leave you
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In Defense of Azriel: A Dissertation, Part One
One thing I see a lot within this fandom is the suggestion that Azriel, somehow, feels entitled to Elain, that he is some raging incel or some torture-loving freak or a white knight only interested in pursuing unattainable women, etc etc. And I am just not okay with that.
Azriel is SUCH a nuanced character and the fact so many people fail to see the context of his personality, his role within the narrative, and the obvious themes SJM is using in regard to his character is just... baffling to me. Especially when he has the potential to be such a powerful male character with an important story that deserves to be told.
So here we go, I'm defending Azriel with my whole chest. This is obviously a pro-Azriel post with pro-Elriel undertones, so if that isn't your thing then SCROLL.
Thx love you all bye.
1) Azriel suffers greatly with his sense of self-worth, so much so he thinks he is deserving of nothing.
We learn first from Mor that Azriel thinks so little of himself, no doubt a direct symptom of his childhood, that he harbors a deep sense of unworthiness. So much so that even if he were a prince, even if the woman he loved (I question this, but that is a whole other post I'll save for later, so I digress) stripped naked before him he wouldn't feel worthy enough to act.
"The issue, actually, wouldn't be me. It'd be him. I could peel off my clothes right in front of him and he wouldn't move an inch. He might have defied and proved those Illyrian pricks wrong at every turn, but it wouldn't matter if Rhys makes him Prince of Velaris--he'll still see himself as a bastard-born nobody, and not good enough for anyone. Especially me." - Mor, ACOMAF, Chapter 52
I think this is a great line to turn to when trying to understand the value Az places on himself. Mor says it herself, she could strip naked for him and he would still see himself as undeserving, still see himself as someone who shouldn't be granted the chance to have her affection. If he feels his way with Mor, someone who he supposedly has loved for centuries (again, I question this lol), then I think it's fair to claim he probably sees himself this way with all women.
This feels like the furthest thing from entitlement to me.
We can also see this inclination towards self-loathing come up again in the ACOSF Az bonus chapter when he gifts the necklace to Elain for the first time.
"He knew it was wrong, but there he was, sliding the necklace around her. Letting his scarred fingers touch her immaculate skin." - Azriel, ACOSF, Bonus Chapter (1 of 2)
These thoughts don't come from him thinking that he and Elain are wrong for wanting to be together, that their shared moment of affection (both now and as hinted at by the "This was the furthest it had ever gone" line) is wrong, but rather from this innate feeling of unworthiness. Az sees himself as nothing (see point below) and cannot fathom why someone like Elain, lovely Elain who resembles hope and the sun at dawn, would ever stop and see him. Give him her time, her offer and permission, would ever call his scarred hands-- the physical reminder of his trauma--beautiful.
He thinks it's wrong because he believes someone like him could never deserve a woman like her.
"Until he felt nothing. Was again nothing at all." Azriel, ACOSF, Bonus Chapter (1 of 2).
LIKE COME ON. This man sees himself as nothing. The fact he spoke up regarding his thoughts on the Cauldron potentially being wrong to begin with was a big thing for him, he who has many secrets, and Rhys SHUT HIM DOWN. 500+ years and even Cassian states Az is slow to open up, see below:
"Cassian knew it was a lie, but didn't push it. Az would speak when he was ready, and Cassian would have better success convincing a mountain to move than getting Az to open up." - Cassian, ACOSF, Chapter Nineteen
Az did speak this time, he felt so strongly and questioned fate itself so fiercely that he opened up to Rhys. He questioned the Cauldron, the fatemaker itself, not because he is entitled to Elain, but because there is something between them, something that has been brewing between them ever since their first meeting, something so fierce he is (finally) compelled to open up, to speak because he was ready. Think about how important that is for a character like him. Azriel, whose brothers of 500+ years could move a mountain more easily than get him to open up, did in fact, open up...
And he was shot down.
Of course, he wasn't going to wax off a lecture about Rhys's suggestion being wrong--because it was Rhys, not Azriel, who suggested entitlement.
Rhys's face drained of color. " You believe you deserve to be her mate?"
Azriel never suggested anything like this. An overwhelmed, distraught Rhys who feared for his mate and unborn child did.
And Azriel shut down, just as he did when he first confessed his feelings to Mor, and immediately abandoned the conversation in favor of silence. Not because he was pissed, or felt he was wronged, but because he saw these moments as validation of his nothingness, proof he was nothing, would always be nothing.
2) "If I Fail, They Will Leave Me" Complex
One thing I think that is important about Azriel's character that is often overlooked is his liberation from his father's dungeon. He wasn't set free when his hands were burned, rather returned to his "dark, airless cell" where was forced to continue on, burned and broken, for three years.
Three bloody years.
It was only when/sometime after his shadowsinging gifts first emerged that he was granted freedom. If you can call it that. Not because he was a little boy who deserved freedom, but because he had magic: a tool of value, a weapon to be used.
And used it was.
We learn from Rhys that Shadowsingers are highly coveted...
"Shadowsingers are rare--coveted by courts and territories across the world for their stealth and predisposition to hear and feel things others can't." - Rhys, ACOMAF, Chapter 16
And that Az was sent to the camp only AFTER his gifts were discovered.
"Az's father sent him to our camp once he and his charming wife realized he was a shadowsinger." - Rhys, ACOMAF, Chapter 16
This all goes to say that Azriel's freedom was largely granted because of his magic. What would this say to a literal child? He was only valuable because of his magic, because of what he could do.
And this need to please, this need to serve, and the subsequent fear of failure are very prevalent within Az's character. He runs himself ragged, he brings too much onto his plate, he is so busy he doesn't sleep, he always volunteers to put himself into harm's way because he thinks that is all he has to offer. I suspect his time working as the personal spymaster for Rhys's father might also have contributed to these feelings, but I don't have enough info at current to delve any further into that.
Moving on, all this also goes to combat the "pro-torture" argument I sometimes see. Do I think Azriel loves slicing and dicing? No, not really. Same as Rhys doesn't like breaking into people's minds. I suspect Az sees his work in Hewn City as a similarly necessary evil, something he must do (rather than anyone else) because he is already "tainted", something he has to do to be worthy. Something he does because, regardless of how it makes him feel, provides value to his loved ones. I suspect Az probably feels if he were to stay no, if he were to refuse, then he would be deemed useless, unworthy, and abandoned as a result. Not that this would ever happen, but I think Az probably sees so little value in himself he thinks only his magic and skills are all he can provide his brothers. Not because they don't love and support him, but because years and years of trauma reinforce this idea.
It's really, really heartbreaking if you think about it.
Anywayssss, that's all I have in me for tonight, but I've got a few other points I will be adding to expand this post! I love (civil) fandom discourse, so feel free to drop in thoughts and opinions below.
Thanks for reading this behemoth!
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