#these were done like. a month ago. ive been procrastinating on this project so much lmao

[jouyato]

enkiramus chibi to print out as an acrylic keychain for my cringe itabag 🙏🙏🙏

[dingleberry-art]

just remembered i have free will and can post about whatever i want so here's a little bit about living with adhd i guess (and funny/ annoying stuff i hear from people who don't have it) btw this is only my experience, and i can ASSURE you this isnt all of the adhd experience. warning, kinda sad lol (and now ive finished typing, long asf!!)

a big issue is motivation, like HUGE. My adhd causes me to have MASSIVE instant gratification problems, and several years in a row this has impacted my school. If a task doesn't give me satisfaction immediately it genuinely is painful to try and start it. I have so many art projects, sewing things, crochet, etc that almost feel like doing schoolwork if im struggling that week. I have been known to doomscroll for 7-9 hours IN FRONT OF MY ASSIGNMENT AT MY DESK because it feels like asking my body to hurt itself just to start work.

cont of the last one sort of: Wasted time (AGHGJSHGHGJA). I lowkey believe I could have done so much more with my life if I could just sit down and focus. Luckily ive gotten into the mindset of "keep pushing forward, you cant change the past" but holy shit its a killer. Assignments that take 5-10 minutes take 5-11 hours to START, and in these hours of procrastination i am NAWT enjoying myself at alllll. Its 5-10 mins of scrolling, almost start crying because i CANT JUST START, then back to scrolling, repeat. Plus what hurts more is that once i do start, it really only does take those 5 minutes

Now one that i dont really see! negative talk that comes with not getting diagnosed (oh brother this guy stinks!!). I'm gonna be short and sweet with this one because when I used to say this stuff to myself I lowkey believed it. A lot of stuff I repeated at my worst was "why can't I just do stuff like everyone else, what is wrong with me, why can't I just focus, Everyone can do this why can't I, etc" and what PISSES ME OFF!! is that SOOOO much of this is repeated/ planted by outside sources!! but i digress...

Hyperfixations! either amazing or atrocious!! Mine have never been terribleeee but they def get extreme! (for those that don't know a hyperfixation is a interest that DOMINATES UR LIFE for a few weeks, to a few months. Happens in autism too i think? and special interests are specifically autism and last yearsssss)

Fixations can be really fun and a lot of people i know say that it makes them feel like themselves, and gives them a purpose! but there is also a really not-fun side to them, some wild stuff ive experienced while hyperfixated: -can't go to the restroom/do anything embarrassing because of a feeling of the characters watching/judging you. -Stomach hurts if you see something from the hyperfix, or some sort of painful physical reaction. -Only work you are able to do is related to/correlates to hyperfix (I finished a project where I got to draw gravity falls the day I was assigned it, and I also got given a project from the same class 3 weeks ago and haven't started) -getting physically angry at slander/hate even tho it isnt that serious fr -internal monologue changes to a characters voice/a certain accent. You UNWILLINGLY imitate a characters little mannerisms without trying. -this one is funny but during my anime phase i watched so much subbed that I heard a commercial playing and thought they were speaking utter gibberish for 3 minutes then realized it was english and i had just gotten so used to Japanese w/ subtitles

Some stuff i heard other people go through (tw for sh on the last one) -Neglecting hygiene

-loss of friends because they can only talk about it -Failing entire courses or becoming severely sleep deprived -hyperfixating on problematic people or topics (you can't really control what you hyperfixate on, that's actually why I haven't watched shit like hasbin hotel or even skibidi toilet as a joke) -even in very EXTREME AND RARE cases, cutting because of the media, carving characters names, etc. and to stress this again, hyperfixations can literally give people purpose in life!! they aren't always bad! but i really don't see people talk about the downsides, and coming out of one feels like losing a part of yourself, the reason to be motivated in the first place (and this is also why I do think its important that non-neurodivergent people don't use the word to describe their interests)

other random stuff i guess

coffee/caffeine makes me tired asf, adhd meds and caffeine are both stimulants! thats why a lot of undiagnosed people actually use it as a makeshift medicator without knowing

for me personally, getting diagnosed SAVED MY LIFE but ill talk abt that in a sec

I will want to respond to your text SO BAD but it feels scary to me, like another thing on the to-do list even tho you could be the loml it would still take me 2 hrs of distracting myself to respond

ive seen a few people say that having untreated adhd feels like/goes hand in hand with depression, and while i dont think this is factually true, thats what it feels like lol

Adhd also gives you rejection sensitivity (not the official term but who cares), basically getting criticized or ridiculed feels like a straight insult at your character. felt definitely more as a little kid but can confirm BIG TIME!

another note to the sensitivity: it is very valid and real, before being medicated id cry once a month at school over small shit. I mean i still do occasionally, but i think EVERYONE i knew as a kid has seen me cry at LEAST like 7 times. also like every time i see someone describe the adhd experience well i start BAWLING. plus as a kid my youtube recommended was FULL of "how to stop being so sensitive, how to stop crying when told ur wrong, stop crying at school so often" videos

I never realized how much I cut people off when talking till someone pointed it out and I looked it up, yup its adhd

I was wondering why it got quiet a second ago but i actually never had any music playing, I just kept repeating the same song in the background of my head whilst typing this (peewee's playhouse intro btw) dunno if its an adhd thing but i see a lot of people talk abt hearing multiple dialogues at once.

meds can also be annoying asf but that can go for every mental illness. When i started mine i slept through the bell in 2 of my classes lol. (Plus i definitely need to up my dosage because it just isn't working as well as it used to.)

**btw dont be reading this with adhd by the way and think your like, doomed. Genuinely THE MOST bubbly, kind, and just downright creative people I know have adhd. i know it feels like a curse a lot of the time but please push through**

ALRIGHT!! now on to some stuff ive been told by people!!

this first heartbreaking quote was from my best friend. We were talking about our least favorite teacher (who had adhd, but my fav teacher also had it lol) and she goes "yeah i think all people with adhd are just annoying" the funny thing was that this was ALSO the day I had to tell her I was going to get checked for it so thats fun! pair that with good ol rejection sensitivity and we have a phrase that repeats in my mind once a day lmao. (dw shes been informed a lot more now and i dont think she remembers it but i corrected her on it)

second one! much more recent, my father was getting checked for autism (alr has adhd diagnosis). To prove to my step mom that him getting officially diagnosed wasn't a huge deal, he asks me "getting diagnosed really didn't help you haha right?" i just responded "lmao no it changed everything" because i don't think an appropriate response at the time would be "it literally prevented me from kms :))"

INFAMOUS ONE from my teacher! He was filling out my adhd referral form but he literally didn't pay enough attention to me in class so he just had me come up there and fill it out with him instead. The questions were "on a scale of 1-5....." and he would SAY THE QUESTION AT NORMAL VOLUME IN THE SILENT CLASSROOM "Does this student struggle with depression!! Does this student have violent tendencies!!" (not to mention a lot the questions were all geared to 10 yr old boys) then i would give him my full and honest answer, and he would say "well everyone has that!" and put THE NUMBER BELOW THE ONE I GAVE HIM. i swear bro he either needs to understand the questions arent for him, or go get diagnosed lmao.

*BUT ANYWAYS* thank you for reading this thing holy moly. I probably forgot so much and its 1am oops! hopefully this made someone feel seen or made someone semi-understand the struggle. Its just a lot of the time I see it downplayed as "ooh squirrel!!" while it has legit destroyed my life at points, and isn't any less serious as other well talked about conditions (obvs not as bad as other stuff but yk what i mean)

alright thanks again, bye!!!

I need someone to invent a machine to give anyone adhd for a month because if I hear “no I get it! I get distracted sometimes too!” one more time I might go batshit insane.

[nicolewrites]

We Stand, Fate-Tested - IV

I'm still stupid stressed over school and procrastinating so I'm not sure when I'll get part 5 out, but here's part 4 for the meantime.

Rating: T+ Genre: Mystery, Friendship, Romance Characters: [Byleth/My Unit, Dimitri B.], [Byleth/My Unit, Claude R.] Words: 5,458

There's something odd about the 8th of the Ethereal Moon. / Marriage is work too.

AO3 | FFN

IV - Of Memories I’ve Lost

Garreg Mach University - 8 Ethereal Moon, 732 AU

Byleth was glad when Red Wolf Moon was over. She had been drowning in her own work as well as the marking for the class she was TAing. Because Seteth was teaching three different classes on top of his own research, he had delegated the marking of the term papers for the class to Byleth.

It really shouldn’t have been such a big deal, but Byleth had struggled to get them done on time thanks to her progressing research and managing the applications and interviews for the expedition. The start date for the project was rapidly approaching and, as of the previous week, they had finally managed to choose the undergrads would be a part of the team and had been rapidly working with them to try to get their skills up to snuff before they were handling real artifacts.

Even so, the marking was finally done and the essays sat in three towering stacks on her desk, just begging for a breeze to sweep by and knock them all over. Byleth was currently planning the first of several workshops that would teach practical skills to the undergrads. She kept glancing at the door of her office, waiting for the first students to come by to pick up their essays and she nearly spelt Lysithea’s name wrong on a sheet before she managed to shake away her distraction.

She looked down at the sheet in front of her and the list of eight names that she and Seteth had painstakingly chosen. There were the natural fits in Lysithea and Linhardt from Byleth’s tutorial as well as Ingrid, who had had an exceptionally well-written application. From Seteth’s tutorial there were also Annette Dominic and Ignatz Victor. The last three students were Claude, Dimitri, and Edelgard. Byleth had a sneaking suspicion that their applications had been all written together and that they had all been Claude’s idea.

Nonetheless, they had their team of eight: Lysithea, Linhardt, Ingrid, Annette, Ignatz, Claude, Dimitri, and Edelgard. Their applications had all been excellent and Byleth had been pleased with the level of enthusiasm exhibited by a group of undergraduate students, especially since technically none of them were actually Archaeology majors.

Someone knocked on the door and Byleth looked up, placing her pen down. Annette stood in the doorway, smiling shyly, as another girl stood just behind her. Byleth beckoned Annette in and the redhead came in, biting her lip and looking a bit skittish.

“Here for your essay?” Byleth asked.

Annette nodded. “I know your office hours haven’t technically started, but I wanted to beat the rush.”

Byleth waved her off. “No worries at all.” She flipped through the first few essays in her first stack until she found Annette’s essay and she pulled it out. She handed it over and Annette peeked at the grade before beaming and making her way out of the room.

After that, there was a steady stream of students that came by her office to pick up their term papers as well as to ask questions about the discussions planned for tutorial in the coming weeks. Byleth had handed back nearly all of the essays when her office hours officially ended and she started putting the rest of them away in the filing cabinet she kept for assignments and paperwork for the class.

“I hope we’re not too late, Teach,” a familiar voice called out just as she was closing the cabinet drawer.

Byleth looked over her shoulder and saw Claude standing in front of her desk, flanked by Lorenz and Hilda, the two friends who were in Byleth’s tutorial with him. She shook her head and pulled the drawer back open, fishing out the trio’s essays.

“I wanted to come right at the start at the hour, but these idiots said we should come at the end,” Lorenz said as Byleth retrieved the papers. It wasn’t surprising to her.

Hilda snorted a laugh. “We would have been late getting here if it wasn’t for me, so I’d watch your tone, Lorenz,” she snipped in reply.

Byleth handed Lorenz and Hilda their essays and was about to hand Claude’s back when he cleared his throat.

“I actually had a question about the essay, Teach,” he said before he’d even taken the paper out of her hand.

Byleth blinked in surprise and her grip lingered on Claude’s assignment for just long enough that it was awkward before he swept it out of her grip and sat in the chair on the other side of her desk.

“I’ll catch up with you guys back at the house,” Claude said to Hilda and Lorenz. His friends just shrugged and made their way out of the room, bickering about punctuality as they went.

Byleth watched them leave before she turned her gaze back to Claude and raised an eyebrow. “Did you really have a question about the essay?”

Claude grinned. “Just wanted to know what you thought of my topic.” He tapped the circled 88 on the front of the page and winked at her. “Apparently I picked a good one.”

Byleth shook her head. After three months she was getting to know Claude’s antics well enough. He was criminally light-hearted, but wicked smart. He liked to tease and poke fun, but he was serious about his work when it came down to it. Since the first time they’d spoken at Anna’s about Byleth’s research Claude had made it a habit to try and stop in on her office hours as often as possible so that they could talk about whatever research Byleth was currently doing.

It was a slightly weird relationship given that Byleth was the TA, but the semester was almost over and she somehow knew that just because she wasn’t seeing him in tutorial once a week, it didn’t mean he was going to stop coming around. And she didn’t really want him to stop. It was nice to talk about her passion to someone who was just as interested as she was.

“What do you want, Claude?” she prompted again.

He smirked. “Come on, Teach, tell me what’s new this week,” he urged.

Byleth rolled her eyes, but she turned her laptop towards him so that he could see what she was working on. “I’ve been doing stuff for Seteth all week so I haven’t really had any big breakthroughs since we last spoke.”

Claude scanned the screen of her computer curiously. “Do we have a start date yet?”

“Guardian Moon 17,” Byleth said. “You can pass that along to the others if you’d like. I’ll be sending out the email this weekend. We have our first training session next Wednesday night for everyone.”

“Wednesday?” Claude repeated, looking a bit perplexed.

“Problem?” she asked.

He shrugged. “Maybe. I have archery on Wednesdays, and so does Ignatz, but if this is later in the evening we should be fine.”

Byleth leaned forward a bit and gave Claude her own sly grin. “Maybe I’ll just bring everyone to watch so we can put the pressure on you.”

He shrugged. “If you want to see me shoot flawlessly, be my guest.”

Byleth rolled her eyes and turned her computer back to face her. She tapped out a few more notes on the page before glancing back at Claude. “Did you actually need something?” she asked curiously.

“I came here to give you something,” he admitted.

Byleth was surprised, but Claude reached into his bag and pulled out a folded brochure. He unfolded it so she could see the front and passed it to her. It was in a mix of Almyran and Fódlani, but Byleth recognized the logo on the front of it.

She ran a fingernail over the looping script and glanced at Claude, furrowing her brow. “The Royal Almyran Gallery? This is in Almyra, you know,” Byleth murmured. “They’re not exactly jumping at the idea of a Fódlani researcher entering their royal galleries.”

“You’re hitting all the same deadends as everyone else who has ever studied the Guardian of Order,” Claude pointed out. “There’s no way that you’re going to make progress unless you try to tackle something that other people haven’t attempted to dig into.”

“Like the underside of Garreg Mach in the old monastery ruins, not in a foreign national gallery,” Byleth said. She placed the brochure down and shook her head. “I can’t exactly just get up and go to Almyra right now anyways.”

“What about over the winter break?” Claude asked. “The galleries aren’t busy during the holidays. Almyrans usually spend the holidays completely absorbed in family and celebration.”

Byleth spun the paper underneath her fingers. She had to admit, the idea was intriguing. Almyra had done a much better job of preserving artifacts from the Unification Era since they hadn’t suffered the Scorch of Garreg Mach or the riots in Fhirdiad that had followed it. Even so, the National Board of History in Fódlan had seen the Almyran collection and deemed it unimportant to Fódlan’s own history. She wasn’t sure exactly what the Royal Gallery could offer her, but she also didn’t know what it might have that could be useful for her work, even if it was all just speculation.

“You will consider it, won’t you?” Claude asked. “I’ll be in Almyra over the winter break if you did want to check it out.”

Byleth finally relented, picking up the brochure and sliding it into one of the drawers on her desk. “I’ll consider it,” she agreed.

Claude grinned. “Excellent. Now, tell me about that crazy dream you had last night.”

Byleth’s eyebrows shot up. She had said nothing of her weird dream to Claude. She had very briefly discussed it with Seteth in private a few hours ago, but she had said nothing to her student about it. She hadn’t the faintest idea about how he knew she had even had a weird dream.

“I had to see Dr. Cichol about a history assignment and I just happened to overhear part of your conversation,” Claude confessed when she had been stunned into silence. “I only know that there was a dream and that apparently it was weird.”

Byleth frowned. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business. That was a private conversation, Claude.”

He shrugged, looking only mildly apologetic. “You don’t want to get my opinion on it at all?”

Byleth leaned away from him, pursing her lips. “And why would I want your opinion?”

Claude tilted his head and looked at her. “I don’t know. For the same reason you haven’t kicked my ass for asking you a million questions about your thesis and for being probably the worst student in your tutorial section?”

“The worst student?”

“Well, most people aren’t on a first-name basis outside of tutorial with a TA, are they?”

“That’s just because I can’t get rid of you,” she teased.

He smiled at her again and the glint in his green eyes made her chest hurt suddenly. The satisfied look on his face combined with the mischievous gleam was pulling at something in her memory and she couldn’t help but remember the weird dream from the previous night. She dropped her gaze to the desk and took a deep breath.

“You’re sure that we’d never met before this year, right? We’d never had a class together or chatted at a party?” Byleth asked. The teasing humour had disappeared from her voice and Claude seemed to pick up on it.

His brow furrowed and he dropped his amused pretenses. “No, I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that,” he said.

Byleth bit her lip and nodded. “Have you ever felt like everything you ever did was leading you in circles?”

Claude looked genuinely interested now, his playfulness suppressed by his curiosity. “At times, maybe,” he said. “Something about this is familiar to you?”

Byleth opened the top drawer of her desk and pulled out a notebook. She flipped through it to the page where she had made the sketch that morning, after her dream. She turned the page to face Claude and let him pick it up to study it closer.

“It’s a throne,” he noted. “It looks like it’s Old Civilization.”

“It’s pre-Unification,” Byleth agreed. “That symbol,” she pointed to the roughly sketched swirl on the back of it, “makes me think it would be religious. Seteth says he doesn’t recognize it and I haven’t found any record of it in the old monastery’s records.”

“Maybe it’s in the capital somewhere?” Claude asked. “Dimitri and Edelgard have spent a lot more time in Fhirdiad than I have, so I can’t be certain.”

“It’s not in Fhirdiad,” Byleth said. “I don’t know why I know that, but I know it’s not there. I dreamt of a large, empty stone chamber for three days in a row and then last night I dreamt of the same chamber, but this throne was there.” She paused, recalling the longing that had coursed through her when she had seen it for the first time in her dream. “I wanted to sit on it,” she murmured.

Claude looked puzzled and he slid the notebook back to her. “Honestly, while I’m not one to subscribe to all the spirit stuff, it seems to me like you have real memories of it that have been surfacing slowly.”

Byleth closed the book and slid it back into the drawer. She brushed her thumb over the handle on the drawer and frowned. “That’s honestly what I’ve been kind of afraid of,” she admitted.

- ~ -

It was late in the evening by the time Byleth had finally finished up everything she had wanted to do on campus. The sun had set almost two hours ago and the dim, artificial yellow lighting across campus provided only enough illumination to make every student or staff that passed by her a looming shadow.

She pulled her coat tighter around her stomach and burrowed her nose into the scarf she was wearing. Byleth had just left the part of campus where the Archaeology and History departments had their offices and she was headed through the main part of the campus when she spotted a lone figure standing on the quad in front of one of the dean’s offices.

Her curiosity got the better of her, and she slowly approached the figure, squinting through the gloom to see if she recognized them. To her surprise, as the figure tilted their head up, illuminating their features, Byleth recognized Dimitri as he stared solemnly at the building. Almost immediately she stopped walking, pausing around 30 feet away from him. She wanted to approach him and check in on him, but at the same time, the moment felt strangely private and she wanted to respect that.

Fortunately, she didn’t have to make a decision, as Dimitri turned and spotted her himself. His shoulders straightened and he tucked his hands into his pockets. He strode towards her and Byleth noted the polite smile that he was wearing. It looked forced, but practiced at the same time and Byleth felt her heart clench. It was a smile achingly similar to the one she had worn after her father had died.

“Hello Byleth,” Dimitri greeted politely once he had gotten close enough.

“Hello Dimitri,” she replied cordially. “What are you doing here so late?”

He laughed lightly. “Well, we are getting into the end of term and I’ve got a few last assignments to turn in by the end of this week. I had been working in the library, but they’re closed now, so I’m headed home.”

He was lying. She wasn’t sure exactly how she knew, but maybe it was simply the fact that she knew Dimitri was a business student and the business library was at the south end of campus, not near the centre where they currently stood in the cold night air.

Byleth frowned. “Is everything alright, Dimitri?” she pressed carefully.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, smiling ruefully, but much more genuinely. “You are very perceptive,” he admitted. “Everything is alright though,” he assured. “I’ve just been feeling a bit off today. It’s like there’s something about this date, in particular, that is an itch I can’t scratch. I’d been trying to follow that feeling and I ended up here.”

Byleth glanced at the offices around the quad. This building was one of the oldest on campus and was part of the restored old monastery. Above each of the three main offices was a beautiful stone carving. From left to right they depicted a deer, a lion, and an eagle. They were the symbols of the three student-life houses that Claude had told her about, and if her research was true, they were also the symbols of the old Officer’s Academy that had been run out of the monastery.

“I get the feeling,” Byleth admitted. “It’s like there’s this string in your chest that’s yanking you along through memories that don’t feel like yours.”

“Yes,” Dimitri agreed. “I never spend much time on this part of campus, but this,” he gestured to the carving of the lion over their heads, “it feels so strangely familiar.”

“Maybe it’s the Blue Lions of old speaking through you,” Byleth suggested lightly and Dimitri laughed softly.

“I should like to think I would know if that were the case.”

He fell silent after a moment and Byleth studied him. He looked tired, but a lot less solemn than he had when she had first found him.

“I’m sorry about your parents,” Byleth said before she could stop herself.

Dimitri’s shoulders tensed, but then they relaxed and he sighed. “Yes, it seems like everyone is.”

Byleth reached out to touch his arm and he looked towards her. There was a deep, resonating sadness to the blue of his eyes and before she could stop herself, her hand had found its way to land on his cheek. Dimitri, to his credit, didn’t react to the boldness of the gesture and Byleth gently retracted her touch.

“I lost my father too,” she admitted quietly. “The circumstances were different, but I’m still sorry you had to go through that.”

Dimitri nodded. “I’ve been well supported, thankfully. I’m sorry for your loss as well. Unlike what people say, it doesn’t really get any easier.”

Byleth smiled sadly. “No, it doesn’t.”

A sharp, cool wind blew around them and Byleth bristled in her coat, shivering. She nearly stepped closer to Dimitri on an instinctual level but managed to catch herself before she could. She stepped away instead, leaving a respectable distance between them. They were familiar enough, but the intimacy in the moment they had shared was almost alarming to her and she needed a clear head.

“Get home safe, Dimitri,” Byleth said gently. She tugged her coat more tightly around herself and gave him one last reassuring smile. “I’ll see you in tutorial.”

- ~ - ~ - ~ -

Garreg Mach Monastery - 12 Lone Moon, 1 AU

“The church is really coming along, Your Grace,” Claude complimented. There was a teasing lilt to his voice when he said her title and Byleth elbowed him.

“Just because you don’t believe in the goddess, doesn’t mean nobody else does,” she scolded lightly.

Claude shrugged. “You’re the one who invited the foreign national to visit,” he pointed out.

Byleth sighed. He was right, but she didn’t want to admit it. She walked away from him instead, heading toward the Reception Hall of the monastery, assuming he would follow. He did so, after a few paces, and they walked silently back through the bustling halls of the monastery. Monks and knights would pause in their step to nod or bow to Byleth and she offered them the best smiles she could before they were passing her by and moving on with their tasks.

“It feels different around here now, doesn’t it?” Byleth asked as she led Claude into the Reception Hall.

“Maybe that’s just because we’ve all changed so much. It has been six years since we started our year at the Officer’s Academy. Cyril tells me that you’re reopening the academy in the Great Tree Moon of next year,” Claude commented.

Byleth laughed. “To say we’ve changed is a bit of an understatement. Fódlan has changed a lot too.”

“Definitely,” Claude agreed. “I can’t take anything away from you or His Majesty on that front. You two have done a wonderful job.”

Byleth paused in her step and studied him. “You could have helped us,” she reminded.

Claude laughed. “Yeah, but then I wouldn’t get to be here as foreign royalty. I would just be another Lord under His Majesty and the Almyrans would still be pounding at Fódlan’s Locket.”

Byleth sighed. “I suppose that’s true. What is it they have taken to calling you, the King of Dawn?”

He shrugged. “My father’s rule was stagnating. I suppose I have merely supplied a breath of fresh air for Almyrans. The new partnership with Fódlan has helped me curry more favour than I would like to admit.”

Before Byleth could reply, a familiar, booming voice pulled their attention across the Reception Hall: “Claude! Byleth!”

Byleth smiled at the familiar voice as she watched her husband approach them. He was smiling broadly as he took in Byleth and Claude. He paused to embrace Claude briefly before turning to Byleth and pressing a warm kiss against her cheek in greeting. Dimitri tried to pull away, but Byleth gripped his collar and planted a soft kiss on his lips before he could withdraw fully.

Claude laughed at her. “I see you two are the same as always.”

Dimitri slid one of his hands into hers as he smiled. “We try to be. How have you been Claude? We haven’t seen you in person since the Ethereal Moon.”

Byleth felt a pulse of unexpected bitterness rise in her chest and she bit down her retort. She didn’t want to snap at Dimitri when he was visiting the monastery, especially with how infrequent his visits had been recently. She didn’t want to complain, especially in front of Claude, about how she had spent almost as much time with Claude as she had with her husband since they’d been married.

Of course, it was a burden they had to bear. Byleth had a responsibility to the church at the monastery and Dimitri had a responsibility to the nation in Fhirdiad, so they spent much of their time separated by distance and work. It wasn’t exactly the married life she had imagined for them.

Claude and Dimitri had moved onto discussing some political motion that was in the works in Fhirdiad by the time Byleth managed to refocus on the conversation and she squeezed Dimitri’s hand. She stole a glance at him and noticed that he looked even more tired than he had when he had arrived three days prior.

“You must exclude me, Claude, my beloved, but I have something I have to do before dinner this evening. I will see you both then,” Dimitri said. He smiled at Claude and leaned down to give Byleth another brief kiss before he pulled his hand out of hers and was slipping away.

Byleth couldn’t manage to disguise her disappointment fast enough as she caught Claude giving her a curious look as Dimitri walked away. She quickly frowned and turned so Claude was only looking at her profile, hoping to dissuade whatever conversation he wanted to have about the interaction.

“This is different from the last time I was here,” Claude noted quietly. “His Kingliness is usually much better at picking up your signals. He was always better at it than anyone else, so it’s odd to see him so blind to it today.”

Byleth’s frown deepened. “We both have our own duties,” she said firmly. “There is no break for us in any of this.”

“No,” Claude agreed, “but surely a man can take a break to shower his wife with praises?”

Byleth sighed. “I don’t know why you think you’re qualified to speak on someone else’s relationship,” she pointed out sternly.

“Consider this the concern of a friend then,” he supplied. “Teach, I have never met a man more enamoured with a woman than Dimitri is with you. But, if that’s what all of your interactions have been like recently, something is wrong.”

Byleth sighed. “We got through the war,” she said simply. “We will get through this.”

She walked away from Claude then, not really caring if he followed her. It wasn’t that she was angry with him for his words, more frustrated that her own emotions regarding hers and Dimitri’s relationship had been so easy for him to discern. She was also frustrated that he had been right in the first place in noting the disconnect between the spouses. Besides their short, snipped conversations in the evenings and mornings, Byleth honestly couldn’t remember the last time she and Dimitri had had a real, personal conversation and it did make her nervous.

Without intending to, Byleth headed for the training grounds. It was an old habit she had of working out stress through fighting, something that had developed during her years growing up as a mercenary. The grounds were thankfully empty and Claude seemed to have picked up on her annoyance and had wisely chosen not to follow her.

Byleth set up a line of training dummies and then a line of magic targets on the far side of the hall. She forewent the training weapons, opting to work on her brawling skills. She picked the softest of the dummies and started with a few slow jabs before she worked into a faster, harder-hitting set that made her hands throb minorly. The pain was therapeutic, though. It reminded her that she was feeling and that helped, especially on days like this.

Once she had worn out her brawling drill, she chose to start in on her magic skills. Byleth called a crackling Thunder spell between her fingers and she turned to fire it at the targets she had set up, only to have to jerk her hand sharply left and blast lightning into the corner of the room, where it crackled and smoked with a bang.

Felix, who stood directly in front of her targets, seemed unphased as he strode towards her. Byleth folded her arms and frowned at him.

“I could have killed you,” she pointed out.

“I’ve taken a Thunder from you before,” he noted. “I’ve taken your spells at full-strength before, not when they were powered by your frustrations.”

Byleth blinked at him. “My frustrations?” she echoed.

“Don’t cast when you’re overly emotional,” he said. “You were the one who taught me that after I nearly burned Sylvain’s arm off. There’s nothing more dangerous to a magic-user than losing control.”

She had indeed taught both the Gautier and Fraldarius heirs the importance of control when they had been learning magic under her tutelage during their academy days and during the war. Byleth uncrossed her arms and brushed some of her hair out of her face.

“What are you doing here, Felix? I didn’t know you would be coming here with Dimitri.”

“Technically I’m not here with him,” Felix admitted. “We’re actually here to see Mercedes.”

“We?” Byleth questioned.

Felix’s lips pressed together and Byleth answered her own question as the pieces clicked in her mind. She smiled.

“Congratulations, Felix,” she commended.

He nodded. “Thank you. Annette will find you to tell you officially before we leave.”

“Are you just here to avoid all the celebratory talks then?” Byleth questioned, gesturing to the training hall.

“I was looking for you, actually,” Felix corrected.

Byleth frowned again, her optimism draining away. “Why?”

“Because I heard you and Dimitri got into it yesterday,” he admitted.

It was true. At the meeting with Claude to discuss foreign treaties the day before, Dimitri had pressed Byleth and the church for resources they couldn’t supply and she had, in return, pressed him for legislation that wasn’t supported by a majority of his advisors. It had definitely been one of their uglier discussions, especially since their wedding and doubly so since they had a spectator in Claude.

“We handled it,” Byleth said curtly, which was also true, but only thanks to Claude stepping in as a mediator.

“You did,” Felix pointed out. “Dimitri has been beating himself up about it all day. That’s why he’s been avoiding you.”

“Avoiding me?” she said.

“You haven’t noticed? How whenever you two run into each other, he miraculously has some meeting or something to get to shortly after you see each other? How he seemed to have more to say to your mutual friend than he did to his wife earlier in the Reception Hall?”

Byleth pressed her lips together. “I didn’t notice,” she admitted softly.

Felix exhaled. “I know. That’s why I’m here. Because, as much as he’d like to pretend otherwise, Dimitri will never be the same as he was before the war. He’ll never be that perfect, princely figure again and he’ll certainly never be able to see himself in the same way again. Professor, he loves you very much so he’ll do his best to make sure you never notice, but he’s still struggling.”

Byleth twisted her hands together, rubbing her wedding ring almost nervously. “How could I miss that? Shouldn’t I notice things like that?”

Felix reached out and, in a rare move for him, placed his hands on her shoulders. “Professor, he is taking all the precautions to ensure you don’t see what he’s going through. He’s gotten better at hiding things from you since you’ve been here and he’s been in the capital. That’s why we’re here, right now,” he confessed.

Something clicked in her head. “Dedue wrote to Claude to invite him, didn’t he? And you and Ingrid and Sylvain and the others made sure that Dimitri would be here where we wouldn’t be able to hide from each other.”

Felix didn’t answer her question directly, but the answer glimmered in his amber eyes. “You take care of each other. You bring out the best in each other.” He dropped his hands from her shoulders and stepped back. “Don’t lose that, Professor. There’s a lot riding on that trust and love going forward.”

Felix took another step back and then he was fully retreating, heading out of the training hall. The door closed behind him and Byleth was alone. She felt anchored to the spot and afraid. She was scared of being blind enough to miss the self-hatred that roiled in Dimitri. She had always been able to see it before and if she was losing that gift, she didn’t know what she was going to do.

She loved him, that much was certain, and obviously their friends cared about them both a great deal too.

Byleth immediately left the training hall and jogged through the hallways of the monastery. She hadn’t done much running in the halls since her ascension and there was something oddly freeing in the action. She felt a smile creeping up on her face as she dodged around people and made for the Cardinal’s Room on the second floor where Dimitri was supposed to be in a meeting.

She opened the door and immediately saw her husband speaking with a few Alliance nobles. The conversations halted when she appeared in the doorway and Dimitri rose from his seat, surprise etching across his face.

“Your Majesty,” Byleth said politely, “I need to speak with you. It’s urgent.”

Dimitri nodded politely to the nobles he had been conversing with and followed her out of the room into the hall. Byleth led him ten paces away from the door before she pivoted sharply to face him. She reached up and grasped his face, pulling him down for an urgent kiss. He reciprocated after a brief moment of surprise and Byleth pulled away, staring Dimitri in his good eye.

“I love you,” she said firmly. “I will never be angry with you for fighting for your country. I am proud of you and there is no one I would rather do any of this with,” she said, letting her emotions flow through her words.

Dimitri stared at her face for a long moment before he kissed her again, more firmly than she had kissed him, and he let the kiss linger for a second longer. He inhaled shakily and pressed their foreheads together. Byleth rocked onto her tiptoes to relieve the strain on his neck due to their height difference and Dimitri smiled gently.

“Okay,” he breathed out.

“I love you,” she said again.

“I love you too,” he replied.

[chickenfetus]

all moongan

thank you for asking falen tbh i love u sm and i love doing these 

omg is this ask for this ask meme i literally almost posted this along with the wrong ask fml

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than mik because.. i dont eat cereal with milk……… i love the crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

as someone who lives in a tropical country is that what its called idk we dont have seasons and it never gets lower than 25 degrees so yes that would be ideal

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

hrmmmmm… i just remember the page number?? or try to lmao if i dont remember i just skim through the pages and try to recognise where i left off

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

with at least 2 packets of sugar tbh…. i dont drink coffee

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

omg story time i went 2 get my braces removed and the dentist wanted to take pics so he was like “smile with your teeth!” and i was like ok! but then he kept saying i wasnt doing it right lmao… guess whos never smiled b4… (me) so he told me 2 practice my smile lol i didnt answer the qn but ya,,, i am probably

6: do you keep plants?

i used 2 be very against plants… now theyre okay i guess i dont rly keep any

7: do you name your plants?

refer 2 6

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

art??? i havent drawn in awhile

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

no LOL

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

on my side!!!! i cant sleep on my back bc i gotta hug smth.. and my stomach is out of the qn

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

🅱️… and .. same brainwaves…. poor mans ____…. this is all from the shady hq im so sorry my other pals

12: what’s your favorite planet?

the moon for no real reason

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

hMMm, watching astro and mx perform??? and just being shady with bell lmao

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

this… question,,,..so im thinking of a bright place with white walls and translucent curtains so the light call fill the (living) room perfectly and everythings really ??? sunny and shit idk its warm… the floor’s made of (fake?) wood and theres a small kitchen bc i cant cook and idk if my friend would be able to lol.. theres 2 bed rooms both are painfully small but it works.. theres one other room with a closet for clothes… the bathroom is just a shower, sink and toilet… theres no washing machine rip and ?? thats about it poor mens life

i watchd the like we used mv again and i realized ...... that is literally where i got this imagery from thanks the rose i love a relatable band

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

heres a fact (?) from me first: it rains diamonds on one planet ?? mecury maybe?? mars??? whomst.. this isnt even a fact its ,me trying to recall shit

ok real fact: There are thousands of other planets out there. sorry lads this website doesnt wanna have fun

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

is spaghetti bolognese a pasta dish

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

im chill with my current hair colour??? bc its brown sometimes idk shitty hair

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i asked my irl friends (group name: panic support group) and this is what they said

K: everything

E: when u were one hour late (i dont remember this happening but i do know im always late but never for an hour past me wyd)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

goDD i dont but i sure want to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

this is strange but every eye colour is my favourite although ppl with two or more colours in their eyes are so cool

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

its just my school bag lmao i got it 4 years ago and i take it everywhere even if the event is “small” and they ask us to bring “smaller bags” ill bring my big ass school bag anyway it looks like this (i dont have to but linking stuff is so fun)

22: are you a morning person?

technically.???its the holidays but i still manage to get up before 10 (most of the time) and … even if i have like 5 hours of sleep i manage to feel awake really easily????

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

tf i just use my phone lmao this is what ive been doing for like a month now… i could watch every vlive i havent watched yet, i could make video compilations i could practice my art but… even though im out of school im still procrastinating.. legends only

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

mmmm falens the closest to that

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my classroom

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

white converse??  i have 2 get new ones every like 2 years since theyre also my school shoes and break easily….. other than those i have my blueblack converse too (i dont wear them as much so theyre still in one piece)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i dont eat bubblegum bc im always afraid ill swallow it and die and im p sure its illegal here

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset but i dont look outside enough for either

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

hm……… with jen its when she sends me asks on anon despite it being super obvious like im not a Fan when my friends send me asks on anon bc sometimes i cant tell and i get a sense of false hope but w/ jen its okay but i know its her

with bell its when they reply to my keyboard smashes with their own keyboard smashes lmao and when they just??//?? say smth cute abt their faves (lately its been sanha thank u sh)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

ya lmao when i have 2 sleep alone and its completely dark i have half a mind 2 believe some random supernatural being is out for me

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

hmM. socks are great i always wear them bc i wear shoes almost every time i go outside… i dont have any weird socks bc im Boring but i have 3 pkmn songs and 1 gudetama socks/.. bUT I DID buy my friend those socks with individual toe pockets… it was so funny when my other friend saw it she choked on her drink and almost spat it out. we laughed so hard we hit our heads against each other i love friendship.. i have 2 wear white socks for sch bc… aesthetic? god if i know lmao….. i only ever wear ankle socks bc….. socks any higher than that? cancelled.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

listen ive never stayed up later than like 1am ok maybe 2am??? but i was working on like a project that was due the next day for school with my groupmates (friends) so does that count lmao

33: what’s your fave pastry?

bread………. sugar donuts…….. i am Aware that thats not how u spell it but wtv

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

why does this ask so many qns in 1 qn……. i had a cat?? it had pink stripes and it didnt have a name bc i dont name my stuff… even my pokemon.. and yeah i still have it except its in a big dusty bag where all my other toys are kept

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i kinda have to use stationary for school so ya.. p often is correct… pretty pens??? i dont rly see the point whoopS!!! in exams u can only use black or blue so

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

im listening 2 day6 so like day6

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

my room isnt even my room i just go there to sleep .. the place im always at is like a study area except its open?? so everyone can see me lol and . its not messy?? if u look at it from far but the shit on the desk and shelves are so fucking messy god i need to pack those

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

aLRIGHT LADS welcome 2 megans ted talk

(skip this if ur not fond of drama)

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics... i SURE hope not... idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

another thing... jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm and i did go off tangent with the question as usual lol

39: what color do you wear the most?

i wear a lot of colours tbh??? but bc its rly hot out ive just been wearing the same shirt every time i leave the house and its black so

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i dont wear jewelry rip

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

challenger deep

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

hm,, ive only ever visited this coffee shop like more than once bc the girl i used 2 like showed it to me b4 like 2 years ago and it was nice i liked their mocha frappe and its cozy i guess??? sometimes i go there with friends to study/just eat but i havent gone in awhile.., its two stories and it has an open air sitting area too i prefer sitting inside bc the sun is a big no thanks.. the ceiling is kind of like?? going downward?? like the kind iin attics???? idk man it was nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

u cant see shit here sorry

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

cant relate

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yea?? sometimes i just gotta bc my brain wont shut the fuck up

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

suddenly all of the puns i know have left my mind thanks @ me

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegetables

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

the dark and whats basically in it???? like ghosts zombies and shit u kno the scary shit

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i like buying albums?? theres a CD in those so it counts lmao i bought sunrise by day6

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

boxes??? like containers????

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

boxy and letting go by day6

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO THEM and oh worm

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

me: rocky.. ?????? from astro.. /?? no ive never heard of any of those and i saw the word horror so u wont hear abt those from me any time soon

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i literally havent been outside for 2 days

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

be petty aka yesterday i changed my twitter icon from jae 2 brian bc jae’s being a child rn so hes out

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they ramble abt smth they like thanksk buds

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

is this the song from p!atd i have it in my playlist lmao oh i fucing hate this song i always skip it im not listening

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

idk what either of those are but bell and boxy

59: what’s your favorite myth?

idk any

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

anything that eunwoo has ever written

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

ive given eggs for karissa’s birthday b4 and i got a kermit its not stupid tho its just the closest thign i could think of

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

i drink water juice everyday every minute every hour

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

my books are all in shelves lads i just  heard the fucking keys rattle im not doing this shit im logging off night

ok day 3 and im back like i said previously my books are on shelves i tried rearranging them by series b4 but my housekeeper rearrnaged them randomly the next day so i gave up

i make playlists for songs that i like, really like (i still skip them sometimes rip) and songs that my friend recommends me i have a seperate playlist for the songs i like in japanese 2

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

light blue?? like its actually p white bc its cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

m not rly

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

just. leaves maybe??

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Horror Movie

68: what’s winter like where you live?

oh winter is fucking fantastic it never gets colder than 25 degrees celsius here and if it does rain it lasts for like 10 minutes

69: what are your favorite board games?

i used to rly like snake and ladders and monopoly :-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

im not ready for that kinda death

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast or earl gray??? those r like the standard right

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

ya but i never do bc i either forget to or am just 2 lazy

73: what are some of your worst habits?

being lazy + procrastinating :-D

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

okie :-o ..

they’re great ok ive talked abt them like 10 times in the span of 2 months but whatever folks

they’re super nice, kind and just all of the positive adjectives out there in the dictionary ...... they’ve helped me multiple times and they’re always there 2 lend me a listening ear (or in our case, eye lmao) idk??? im just super comfortable around them always and im honestly so thankful we became mutuals (and subsequently friends) last year!!!! i cant say a lot bc ill just get v repetitive but overall they’re an awesome friend and im glad we still communicate daily via twitter and sometimes our skype sessions even if they’re kinda awkward bc i never know when 2 talk bc im scared ill speak and theyll say smth and itll turn into a MESS which actually happened lmao  

im looking forward to the day our skype sessions become super smooth and easy going!!!

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none but id die for boxys cats

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

well yeah always tbh but its not smth i have to do but more like want to do im just 2 lazy to get around doing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

?? i almost said lemons arent pink but i Remembered...... yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i feel like this is an Attack? okay LISTEN so story time again.

on the flight back from japan i watched the alien covenant and i couldnt even get past the scene where the baby alien was gonna kill the poor guy who ended up being locked up with the infected dude as soon as i saw the blood and the alien emerge from the guy’s back i bolted lmao

so to calm myself down nd block that memory from my mind i went ahead and watched despicable me 3.. which HONESTLY im the worst critic ever but in my humble opinion.... the movie was good????????? idk i didnt watch minions the movie though i got lazy again whooopS!

anwyay i sidetracked but im neutral im not a fan but i wouldnt go out of my way to call minions annoying?? bc they really arent? i feel like its only seen that way bc of how people make posts abt how annoying minions are even tho.. they arent??

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

my memory hates me so every specific thing my friends have ever done for me has left my mind but .

the cutest thing? everything my friends do for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theyre yellow and no i didnt theyve been there ever since i could remember

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

lava cake

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was good in school for like the first three years and this year i just flopped so badly lmao and its my important year too oh well my exams r over and i still dont have a backup plan in mind

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

all of dance gavin dance’s albums have awesome art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

back when i was really into 5sos i thought of getting a tally since that was their logo at that time but now no not really unless i decide to get lance’s face tattooed onto my forehead on impulse

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

im keeping up with hq, bnha and tg manga!!!!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

idk what those r but sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

big hero 6

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

who wrote this whats up with these questions

i googled and.. not really?? they all look nice

89: are you close to your parents?

close enough to stand being in the same room as them but not close enough to want to initiate conversations

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

tokyo was really cool (literally) and if i ever go again id love to go with friends so we can explore more??

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

japan was supposed to be the only plan for this year but my grandad passed away so i had to go to malaysia multiple times earlier this year ik this wasnt the qn but ive already went to the planned destination tm so

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

BARELY SPRINKLES A PINCH im anti cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

um. like?? i tie the sides of my hair that cover my face back??? bc i dont like hair in my face

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

bell

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

hopefully something useful

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i also click remind me tomorrow lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp-t, capricorn, hufflepuff (same as falen nd jen yay)

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

uh ive never been hiking and i dont plan on it sorry body

99: list some five (or id never shut up) songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

currently......

when you love someone - day6

like we used to - the rose

crazy sexy cool - astro

death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

if it means a lot to you - a day to remember

idk if these actually “resonate to my soul” they just sound nice

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

oh worm.. i wouldnt miind either???

i know i have 2 choose but like

if i go back into the past i could be less annoying?? but the past has actually helped me be the way i am today and i think im learning to be a better person?? im definitely way better than how i was previously 5 years ago and im just grateful i was able to learn from my mistakes???

so i wouldnt go back to the past.

if its in the future i can see how ill end up and if its not good i might end up being able to change myself so i dont get my “bad end”..???? maybe or i can just see what happens in the future and i can look forward to it

itll also give me a chnace to have the most fun while i can if its not too nice

so my decision is to go to the future

thank you so much for asking falen god this got so long lmao

[wazm]

kinda lost blog

I just wish to feel genuine joy in my life. I'm so afraid of chasing my goals cos what if I get to where I need to be and it's not exactly what I want. nevermind trying to reach for my goals cos I've been doing that..working every day..trying to bring myself closer to my goals but fail...struggling to sit down and just write music...i can't get myself to do it... I can't get myself to create anything.. I procrastinate the things I'm supposed to do with irrelevant big tasks..trying to distract myself constantly... I just feel empty inside...

what makes my hallow chest even deeper is the fact that all my relationships remind me of the bad decisions I've made..and theyre, not even bad decisions..its just meh...average..nothing worthwhile noting really..combined with abunch of negative outcomes...like he fact that i know a shit ton of people but i have zero real friends...i once had a friend who knew me for more than 7 years but he never exactly knew his boundaries...he’d show up to my house unannounced...id never get space...but at least i still had a friend..id do countless favors for him and never ask him anything in return but giving me space...one time i tried distancing myself from him and when i started to notice, he got so offended...after this happened, we never spoke to months...probs the longest time apart since we’ve been friends...then we kinda rekindled things...and he decided to plan a guys trip to bring us closer together...trip was okay...but ended really bad...he blocked me off everything..games, facebook, whatsapp...everything...he lives up the road from me...but ive never seen him since....idk if its a blessing or a curse...i hope things are okay with him...he wasnt the smartest but he was smart enough to comprehend certain sitautions ive been going through...good enough for me to vent to and console me...thats kinda all i need sometimes...but no more of that...he was kinda my bridge to a group of other friends we had...and after the boys trip it was like i lost everyone..social life took a hard knock...im sorry..just wish you trusted me more...

i tried filling the void by making my gf do things i did with my friends...never went down well...she just seems like someone who never knows how to have fun anymore..we used to have interesting chats..i was so inlove with her, I never saw her flaws...and she taught me this word “resentment”...well its not tht i never saw her flaws...i just chose to ignore them..and told myself that things will get better, and she’ll grow..and change...but i feel like shes been making me more like her since we’ve been dating...i swear i did so much things before her...but we’ve been together so long, i dont even know who that person is anymore...i bet, even if i left her, i wouldnt be able to bounce back...and the odd thing is that, when we started dating almost 5 years ago, i made it our philosphy that we are individuals in a relationship, we are not the relationship but it seems like she wasnt even herself back then and started being me...and now its like, shes nothing without me and my whole life has grown so much onto her, i kinda feel the same in return...just less attached to her since i felt like i was feeding her nucleas...might be exaggerating but homegirl cant initiate anything without me. nevermind choosing a meal when we go out, she cant even make a plan without needing 90% input from my side...and thats how most things are between us...if shes upset, ill fix it...risk my life and beyond to fix it...physically have done this many times before...walked from my house to hers at 2am in the morning, through the ghettos, more than a kilometer away..even been gun pointed and got things stolen from me, just to make her feel better when she was upset in the middle of the night...im not expecting that in return but she lits does the bare minimum in return...id be sad, then she be like...awww...im sad you’re sad...done..thats it...she’d lits be like...what can i do to fix things....again wanting my input...i might as well be dating myself...idk why im with this girl anymore...i hurt inside everytime i tell her i love her...cos i just dont anymore...and its been like this for a while...i wish she found this post and decided to leave me..cos i cant leave her...ive broken her heart so many times and told her i wanted to leave but i just end up coming back to her cos im sucha fucking pussy seeking some sort of social acceptence or friendship and i feel like shes all i have rn...not much of a gf hey...but its not like im worth anything either...idk...im so paranoid shes cheated on me in the past cos shes lied to me in the past and told me 3 years later about those lies...you know when someone lies to you and then when you find out about the lies and you ask why’d you do it and shes like...idk...i just feel like its lies ontop of lies...really cant trust her....i wish i had it in me to cheat on her...but i just dont like most females...id be infatuated with someone but would be put off so easily by the slightest thign...things would make so much sense if i was secretly gay but im not...the longer i seem to be in this place, the deeper im digging my grave...i feel like the time with my almost 5 year relationship feels like its getting harder to leave the longer i stay in it....i really dont know what to do...but i feel like i fuck up most of my relationships...not just my romantic one...

my relationship with my parents are just a nightmare...same goes for my other family members...and you know what...i do so much for people...countless favors...countless volunteer jobs...extra miles for people who wont even move an inch for me...but just let me mention this to anyone, then im in the wrong...i just feel like i cant voice any shortcomings to anyone and im made out to be the bad guy for doing this....whether its my parents or my sisters...id do everything for them, and i do everything for them, even things they dont ask me for...but let me raise an opinion that doesnt resonate with them, and it turns into an argument and if i decide to step out before things get sour, im still made out to be the bad guy cos how dare i do something so rude....i just feel like no1 wants to listen to me at all...for my last birthday i tried staying away from my family and decided to work on a few movies with my friends and i had fun, we arent the closes friends but, campus friends...theyre actually in a whole other faculty..so we just barely know eachother but we’ve worked on movies before and thats kinda our history together as friends....so its my birthday and i agreed to work with them on this day...all day..from like 7am until almost 10pm..and my family, not communicating with me, decides to go out for supper for my birthday...and just expects me to leave this project im working on for them...so they invite people to join them for this birthday supper...without having me there...anyways after i finished my day shooting, i was pretty smug about working instead of spending the day with my family...and on the last few moments of my birthday my sister makes a shitty comment, wanting me to shut the fuck up cos she doesnt have the energy to listen to my voice..it really broken my heart, how my whole birthday was spoilt in moments....wish she couldve just waited a tiny bit longer...i wouldve been happy with that..but naa...no1 wants to listen to anything i have to say, let alone have me around in their presence....i just feel like starting a new life somewhere else...and thats kinda what i had planned...

really thought i was going to leave south africa and immigrate to australia to go sound study there...filled in all the paper work...spoke back-and-forth with the uni over there and they extended the communication so long, i thought things were set...seemed like i was so close to getting the big change ive been seeking for so long...but they sent me this stinky ‘ol email with extra modules id have to do and the tuition fees went from $11,000 to $35,000 which is ridiculous as my countries currency isnt australian dollars and is 10 units weaker than theirs...never in my life have i ever felt like money defined my life...lits had my life in limbo cos i was waiting for responses from this people...and when i finally got a response it was too late to apply at the local college...idk what im doing this year...i tried looking for work online, but no response...made ads for work on fiverr...tried upwork, tried quickengig...even rev...all these sites people advertise as quick ways to make money....a bunch of lies...i made $0, 3 weeks going now. nothing. i even invested in making a business logo, wrote descriptions...adjusted my ads multiple times...still...blue ticks from the online work field...i applied for jobs ive seen on indeed and on gumtree and jobfinder....but no response...nothing...blue ticked...ima say luckily im working part-time for this events company and its kinda an opportunity to network with the sound industry but the live sound industry is filled with racist pricks who patronize you when you’ve done the time to learn the work they know...so no work online freelancing, no work applying for work..no work physically meeting people...really makes me feel like this isnt a viable option for me...cant even study locally or internationally anymore...

im just so lost...alone..hurt..wish someone would save me the way ive saved others before..

[exactlywhoyouthinkiwas-blog]

[2/27/2015 6:53:38 PM] Evan: so... [2/27/2015 6:53:39 PM] Evan: sup [2/27/2015 6:57:27 PM] YV??~: Nothing I guess. I stopped working like 2 something hours ago. mostly because a lot of these answers required too much thinking for me to concentrate on it. [2/27/2015 6:57:53 PM] Evan: haha sorry [2/27/2015 6:59:00 PM] YV??~: weh, its fine. [2/27/2015 7:00:17 PM] YV??~: i guess i should ask the same out of courtesy [2/27/2015 7:01:03 PM] Evan: The answer would be pretty similar. Not doin a whole lot at this moment in time. Jus the usual procrastinating while I should be doing Update. [2/27/2015 7:02:27 PM] Evan: How are things going for you? [2/27/2015 7:03:55 PM] YV??~: pretty much the same as last month but with 99% less anyone. exactly the same stuff just theres no one it is only me. i am the one.... who will never get any work done [2/27/2015 7:05:23 PM] YV??~: you? [2/27/2015 7:06:20 PM] Evan: Eh, not the greatest, but it's whatever. [2/27/2015 7:06:28 PM] Evan: How are you liking the silence? [2/27/2015 7:08:04 PM] YV??~: i dont know. i think its kinda annoying that people will say things about how important I am when literally no one talks to me and i just spend most of the time alone. *shrugshrug* [2/27/2015 7:08:24 PM] Evan: Ah. [2/27/2015 7:10:57 PM] Evan: I think a lot of them aren't great at socializing, to be honest. I'm pretty much the same. It's always hard to approach people you don't necessarily know that well since you don't know how they'll feel about it. [2/27/2015 7:11:10 PM | Edited 7:11:18 PM] Evan: I'd guess they're afraid they'd be bothering you? [2/27/2015 7:12:34 PM] YV??~: weh...hell if i fuckin know whats up with people. [2/27/2015 7:13:00 PM] Evan: Yeah. heh [2/27/2015 7:13:36 PM] Evan: It's been pretty slow in the main group lately, though. It seems like most people have split off into smaller, separate groups of people they're more comfortable with. [2/27/2015 7:14:09 PM] YV??~: good for them i guess [2/27/2015 7:14:54 PM] Evan: Indeed. [2/27/2015 7:15:23 PM] Evan: I just kind of wonder if there's anyone you'd still care to hang out with or if you're done with the entire community [2/27/2015 7:17:15 PM] YV??~: Weh, i didnt really come away hating anyone but im wary of jumping back into any space with most of these people lest they say things that make me end up hating my other series as well. [2/27/2015 7:17:57 PM] Evan: Are there just a few people in particular? I know there weren't THAT many involved in that particular conversation. [2/27/2015 7:21:24 PM] YV??~: eh, really anything one person can do the other can do just the same. Its either never talk openly about my work again or never people. I really dont think it would be possible for me to put a gag on all work related statements, so its easier to just forego people altogether [2/27/2015 7:22:37 PM] Evan: I don't think it would be a problem, though. It had been nearly a year before that happened, and it was a very specific situation. [2/27/2015 7:23:04 PM] Evan: Even though they misunderstood you and ended up hurting in the end, they had good intentions. [2/27/2015 7:26:31 PM] Evan: No one can predict things like that happening, but is it worth isolating yourself in case something like that happens again? I don't mean to sound pushy, but I'm kind of worried about you. [2/27/2015 7:30:41 PM] YV??~: Yeah but it ultimately is better i take cautions side. because I dont know, Ive always been alone with minimal friends and I was never 1st choice for any of them. Ive never really gotten angry of fought with people besides my siblings and considering my sister once choked me in my sleep for snoring and i could have actually killed her at one point in some fight, i think that hints at what kind of destructive anger i tend to get. While now i try to point it towards me so as not to harm others something still ends up broken or destroyed. usually art of some kind. [2/27/2015 7:34:28 PM] YV??~: im not saying thats not a nice sentiment but i guess i just wasnt made to be around  people [2/27/2015 7:35:21 PM] Evan: I don't think that's the case at all. [2/27/2015 7:38:38 PM] Evan: For all the time I've been around you, I haven't seen you hit anyone especially hard. You tend to be blunt about things, but I don't think you've hurt anyone. Even when you left the chat was relatively tame during the actual interaction. What's more troubling is you hurting yourself, and I feel like that's primarily what's being accomplished right now. [2/27/2015 7:39:03 PM] Evan: I know I've said this before and you seem to not like it, but you aren't as bad as you think. You still deserve to be happy. [2/27/2015 7:43:56 PM] YV??~: Eh, at this point im used to it. I mean i only ever get people being nice to me and complementing me and id otherwise have nothing to keep them in check or balance them out if i didnt turn the abuse up to 400 on myself. *shrugshrugshrug* [2/27/2015 7:45:07 PM] Evan: Then let me be harsh for a second. [2/27/2015 7:45:09 PM] Evan: That's stupid. [2/27/2015 7:48:11 PM] Evan: People are nice to you because they think you deserve it. No matter how terrible you think you might be on the inside, it's what you project that determines who you are. If you never act on your terrible thoughts, then how can you be considered bad? Even if you have things to work on - as everyone does - you aren't going to make it any easier by hating yourself. [2/27/2015 7:52:18 PM] YV??~: Weh, I mean ultimately i doubt anyone even wants to talk to me anyway. [2/27/2015 7:52:36 PM] Evan: I've been talking to you for the last four hours. [2/27/2015 7:53:44 PM] YV??~: closer to 4 and a half but yes i noticed [2/27/2015 7:54:14 PM] Evan: And I think you're a very unique person with an interesting perspective. [2/27/2015 7:54:45 PM] Evan: Others may not have gotten to know you that well, but I think they'd absolutely want to talk to you as they did. [2/27/2015 7:58:43 PM] YV??~: Well, I mean thats all based on other peoples opinion but i dont think many people get to interested with people who ramble for much too long on one thing. [2/27/2015 7:59:06 PM] Evan: Is that a thing you do? I haven't noticed it. [2/27/2015 8:03:11 PM] YV??~: Well I decided to answer questions that could be a short to the point answer with a paragraph. But there comes a point where, when you frequently find yourself gasping for air in the middle of a word, you begin to question whether you let other people get a word in on something youre interested in, or if its just you talking to yourself. [2/27/2015 8:04:49 PM] Evan: haha [2/27/2015 8:05:14 PM] Evan: I don't think it's as bad as you think it is. Cause there are some people that have it bad, but I've never known you to be one of them. [2/27/2015 8:05:46 PM] Evan: If anything it seems like you didn't talk much at all during the interactions we've had. [2/27/2015 8:06:45 PM] YV??~: I try not to. I usually dont have anything worthwhile to say anyway [2/27/2015 8:07:36 PM] Evan: But the point is I think you do just fine. You could have plenty of friends if you let yourself. [2/27/2015 8:10:53 PM] YV??~: i dont know. People tend not to listen to me even when i do have something to say. Even when i was a wee tot eager to be at school i only ever had one friend until 7th grade. [2/27/2015 8:23:22 PM] Evan: But people CAN'T listen if you don't talk to them. You don't have to make a bunch of friends. Hell, you don't have to make any. But you should be happy, and if being around other people contributes to that, it's absolutely worth doing. And if you play nice enough you might find some people that you really like. [2/27/2015 8:28:31 PM] Evan: And trust me, I know what it's like. [2/27/2015 8:29:32 PM] Evan: Until last year I never had anyone I considered to be a friend. There were people I talked to, and people I sometimes hung out with, but it never lasted more than a few months, or maybe the school year if they happened to be someone in class. [2/27/2015 8:30:25 PM] Evan: It took twenty years for me to make a friend, but it happened. If a social wreck like me can meet people and be happy, I think you have more than a chance. [2/27/2015 8:30:30 PM] Evan: :D [2/27/2015 8:35:49 PM] YV??~: eh. Im really tired of thinking whether or not to go back or whatever, and ive got too much stuff to get done this weekend to worry about it. [2/27/2015 8:36:40 PM] Evan: That's fine. [2/27/2015 8:38:42 PM] Evan: You don't even have to go back to that particular group. Hell, I'm not even in the main chat anymore. But you should go somewhere - find people to talk to and most importantly be happy. [2/27/2015 8:39:12 PM] Evan: Though you've spent a lot of time getting to know us fanime people. So it's certainly a good place to start. [2/27/2015 8:39:41 PM] Evan: I could also probably direct ya toward one of the smaller off-branch groups if that's more your cup. [2/27/2015 8:39:46 PM] Evan: But yeah, good luck with the things. [2/27/2015 8:42:57 PM] Evan: And I know it sounds generic as all hell, but [2/27/2015 8:43:16 PM] Evan: if you ever need to talk to someone - about ANYTHING - I'll be here.

[jiminalism]

92 TRUTHS TAG GAME

About time I did a tag game by @agustd-enthusiast​ thanks gurl ^^

Rules: Write 92 truths about yourself then tag 25 people

LAST…

[1] drink: Water

[2] phone call: Mom

[3] text message: Dance friend

[4] song you listened to: Kygo, Selena Gomez - It Ain't Me

[5] time you cried: Yesterday, with a tv series

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: nope

[7] been cheated on: nah

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: nah

[9] lost someone special: nope

[10] been depressed: yes

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: noup

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

[12] Gold

[13] White

[14] Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yes

[16] fallen out of love: nope, man I haven't liked someone in ages

[17] laughed until you cried: yes

[18] found out someone was talking about you: yes

[19] met someone who changed you: YES

[20] found out who your true friends are: sorta

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: no!

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all

[23] do you have any pets: nope

[24] do you want to change your name: im good ^^

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: breakfast & lunch with friends.

[26] what time did you wake up: 11am just bc I had to go food shopping, else i would've stayed in till like 2pm

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping, man, I was hella tired

[28] name something you cannot wait for: my new phone, 3 months without a phone is killing me

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 1h ago

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: take more damned risks and speaking my mind, being quiet is sometimes a curse

[31] what are you listening to right now: Tinashe - Flame

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes, used to have a crush on actually mmmm

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: everyone

[34] most visited website: tumblr, youtube

[35] elementary: check

[36] high school: check

[37] college: almost done

[38] hair color: brown

[39] long or short hair: long 

[40] do you have a crush on someone: maybe, too early to tell

[41] what do you like about yourself: no idea. 

[42] piercings: ears only

[43]blood type: A+

[44] nickname: san

[45] relationship status: Single

[46] zodiac sign: virgoooooo

[47] pronouns: She/her

[48] fav tv show: L&O.... I don’t watch tv shows too much

[49] tattoos: NOPE

[50] right or left hand: right

FIRST…

[51] surgery: never ever.

[52] piercing: ears

[53] best friend: Liz lol as if anyone would know

[54] sport: Ballet(? either ballet or gymnastics i cant remember

[55] vacation: i think it was Japan but i cant remember the earliest

[56] pair of trainers: who remembers this honestly

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nada

[58] drinking: nada

[59] i’m about to: finish this, start a project ive been procrastinating from about a month now

[60] listening to: nothing

[61] waiting for: will and strength to read 20 news articles and summarize them... its not coming.

[62] want: big cars, big house and big rings (same mary same)

[63] get married: nope

[64] career: a student

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs and kisses, why limit yourself

[66] lips or eyes: both

[67] shorter or taller: same or taller

[68] older or younger: a year younger maybe, but generally older.

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: both

[71] sensitive or loud: idkkk, i see these both as slightly negative so .

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? No

[75] drank hard liquor? A little

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? No

[77] turned someone down: Yess

[78] sex on first date? no

[79] broken someone’s heart? not broken but yes turned down.

[80] had your own heart broken? one too many times

[81] been arrested? No

[82] cried when someone died? no.

[83] fallen for a friend? no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? sometimes

[85] miracles? yes

[86] love at first sight? sometimes

[87] Santa Claus? nah

[88] kiss on the first date? nah

[89] angels? noup

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name:  A

[91] eye color: green

[92] favorite movie: Bourne series are good, now you see me (love this movie), THG, not a big movie person either.