#these two admittedly also have a pretty significant day coming up this month although it's in 2024

[masschase]

SR Show Your Flags: Day 1

Happy Pride month!

I have a few of these drawn but it was always going to be my bi4bi weirdos first, wasn't it?

I thought this would be a fun way to go over my hcs for a lot of the Saints' identities as well as drawing all my neglected OCs, I'll start off with romantic pairings but some of them aren't in relationships so it will diverge eventually.

It won't necessarily go all 30 days, but I probably have enough from my universe for at least for the first week... after that I could do with some suggestions if you want me to fling your ships in 👀

My SR Boss Casey Clark (Bisexual) and Matt Miller (Bisexual) pictured 2022.

Fun fact about them:

One of the things these two bond over in the first few months of watching Nyte Blayde together is that they both came out to their parents as bi for the same reasons; being caught making out with a close friend.

Casey was fifteen and had known she was bi for a while. As I'm sure I've mentioned many times by this point, her mom catching her out was the turning point that led to the events of Saints Row as her deeply homophobic mom threw her out.

Matt's is a much more lighthearted story. He had just turned thirteen and had only recently started to notice his feelings. His parents were supportive, but had made some pretty strong assumptions about their shy, slightly effeminate son, so were very surprised to catch him kissing a girl. After that he wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers/slumber parties at her house anymore. 🤭

[liw-the-melancholic-apple]

The first one  - Bonusscenes in traditional written word

This is a smau and a zukoXreader, although i haven't decided how this ends yet.

Y/n has recently transferred to Ba Sing Se from Omashu university and meets the gaang through a schoolproject they do with sokka and suki.

Masterlist

Bonus 3: Partytime

It was a short walk from the metrostation to the park in which the party was held. Suki and Sokka had explained to you that their friend Haru had helped organise it. Apparently, it was a thing the Psychology department threw every year – that was to say the students of the Psych faculty. Haru was one of them and deeply involved in Campus life.

Sokka had said that you were going to be gobsmacked and mind boggled by the professionality with which the party would be set up and you had laughed. Shame on you for not believing him. He had been right.

The park was obviously of the public variety and so you expected a couple speakers, and crates of beer strewn about. What you didn’t expect were fairylights in every last tree and bush, a DJ set-up of the highest quality and amazing sound from all the speakers one could imagine, or three tents with bars in them, where drinks were reasonably priced. You hadn’t been expecting the benches, couches and tables made from pallets used in warehouses or the abundance of cushions and pillows. You hadn’t expected the camping chairs and the make-shift firepit. It was insane and you stood in awe as you failed to follow Suki.

“You coming?”, Aang laughed before he grabbed you by the hand. You first made your way to one of the bars, then, equipped with alcoholic goodness, Suki introduced you to Haru, who turned out to be an ex-roommate of Zuko’s. He also played guitar in what he called an inappropriately ambitious garage band, which intrigued you. But before you really got to interview him on any of that, he was disappeared by a friend of his.

Suki found a couple of her Kyoshi sorority sisters and introduced you to them and their partners. It turned out that your initial idea of fraternities and sororities was wrong: They were not all terrible and not all ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ were stuck up snobs. Suki was the best example of that. She was amazing and clever and smart. And very kind and not at all elitist. After all she was the one who invited you to this shindig. Her ‘sisters’ and their boyfriends and girlfriends, some of which were also in fraternities and sororities, were as kind and open as Suki was and you spent a good portion of your night learning names, trying to remember the history of the different organisations and their respective significance to BSSU, being taught simple fight stances and moves from the Kyoshi’s and laughing.

You laughed a lot. Only halfway through the night, hours later, after Sokka had joined you again, when you had lost all sense of being a stranger, you realised how desperate you’d been for this kind of interaction. This kind of laughing, dancing, making fun of people and talking bullshit. How much you had needed to be part of a group. How lonely you had actually been.

But at this moment, while you were trying to not spit out your beer as you listened to a story about Suki, expertly told by Mamoto, who was either someone’s boyfriend or someone’s brother – who knew? There were so many people and so many connections and a good deal of friends dating a friend’s ex – you didn’t think about what you’d needed for two months. You thought about … nothing? Everything? Really, you just let your thoughts drift, like you drifted yourself. From conversation to conversation, from person to person, from group to group, from subject to subject.

As nervous as you’d been standing in front of the dragon, as relaxed you were now. You didn’t really care about the music or the drink you had in your hand – you were not overdoing it, though, you were still new and needed to make a good expression – you cared about the company. And the company was excellent.

Bian, one of the Kyoshi-sisters, and her girlfriend Tuyet had claimed you after they found out about Gray Sky.

“A band? Like a proper band?”

“I mean that depends on your definition of ‘proper’ but, yeah? There were several people, playing several different instruments in order to create a coherent song.”

“Which means a proper band!”, Tuyet assured you.

“Have you ever played at a place? Or like an actual concert?”, Bian wanted to know.

“We used to play Friday nights at a bar.”

“Proper band!”, they both smiled at you.

“You should meet TaMing. She was a Kyoshi-sister before she dropped out of college. She plays in the same band as Haru.”

“Oh, I’ve met him. Seems nice.”

“Right, right. He is. Usually he brings his guitar to these things. At some point he will sit at the bonfire over there “, Bian explained, “and play some typical bonfire music. He’s good. You should go over there.”

“Not right now, though. I would first like to know what you think of Sokka!” Bian’s face was hard to read. You couldn’t tell if she liked or hated him but in a sense you also didn’t care. Your answer came instantly: “He’s great!” He was. A funny kind person with some brains. Admittedly, he didn’t look like a genius or ever put a lot of emphasis on how much excelled academically, but that didn’t take his intellect away. His jokes and nonchalant-ness were inviting and genuine and deceptively ‘hid’ his smarts. Sokka wasn’t intimidating when you first met him, but that didn’t mean that you shouldn’t be scared of him.

You were quite certain that you wouldn’t want to cross Sokka. You’d be dead. You’d be killed until dead. But it would look like an accident…

“Don’t you think he is a bit too goofy?”

“No, I don’t. I mean he sure is goofy, but I find that to be delightful.”

“Give it a couple more weeks.”

“You don’t like Sokka?”

“No, I like him! I just also find him annoying, I could do without all the dumb jokes. But he’s good to Suki and really, that’s the only thing that matters…If he makes her happy who am I to complain about some goofy puns, you know?” You liked Bian.

So, a little later you followed her to the camping chairs by the bonfire. This is where you met back up with Toph, who you now realised you hadn’t seen in a hot minute. Just like a bunch of the others. In the beginning of your little Kyoshi-session you had all but held hands with Suki and Katara, but Suki soon left you in order to wash someone’s head about their head – Wan is that you? In Ba Sing Se? – so you held on to Katara who vanished quickly after Suki with what looked like Aang.

Now you were reunited with Toph you brought out the bottle of Banana liqueur you got earlier that day. Toph tried some and declared you crazy. It was an acquired taste. While you were drinking your respective drinks Toph explained the general basics of the group to you:

“Well, you obviously know that Sokka and Suki are dating. That’s a nice spot to start. Suki is new, Sokka is old, meaning that I knew Sokka before I knew Suki. Suki just is Sokka’s girlfriend to me, you know. He went off to college and weeks later we were hearing about this badass girl he tried to get to like him. It was very entertaining.” You chuckled at the idea of Sokka trying to impress Suki before they were dating.

“Anyways, I heard about Suki because I was friends with Sokka in High School. Sort of. I was friends with Aang, who was friends with everyone in High School, because, well you’ve met him. He’s Aang. He’s friends with people. But he was pretty close to Katara and Sokka, after they met. And us four kinda became our own little core group.

So, Sokka, Katara, Aang and I are all old, while Suki, Zuko, Haru and you would be new.”

“Well”, you interrupted her, “I wouldn’t dream to compare my standing with you core group to Suki’s position. I just met you. She’s been dating Sokka for how long?”

“2 years 10 months.” That was quick. She just knew that. Off the top of her head. You made a mental note.

“And Zuko has probably been a part of your group for a while as well, right?”

“More or less since after he graduated. His time at uni did him well, I’d say. We ran into him around new year’s of his freshman-year here”, she whirled her arms around, hitting Tuyet in the face.

“Sorry, I thought you were further away. Anyways,  he started being nice and I think we ended up together on New Year’s. And after that he bonded with Sokka in his first year here. So, you know, Suki – Zuko – Suki -Zuko – about the same time they joined.

And back then Zuko lived with Haru, so that’s how we met him.”

You kept drinking and chatting until Sokka burst onto the scene looking for Suki. When he couldn’t immediately find her, he asked you for the bottle of rum you still had.

“Listen, it’s late and I’m not waiting for my illusive girlfriend to bring me a drink, to start catching up!”, Sokka yelled after you commented on how much of the bottle he had emptied in just his first gulp. “I asked Suki to get my drink ready and await me, but she ignored that… No, Toph. No.”

He held the bottle out of her reach and twisted his shoulder weirdly, so that she’d never guess where exactly the rum was. He kept cradling the bottle while Haru and some friends found their way to the bonfire and – like Bian had promised – broke out the guitars. They were good. Really good. You hummed along to some of the songs and joined the choir of Toph, Sokka, Suki, Zuko and a bunch of strangers in the choruses of most others.

Suki took the bottle off Sokka, nearly as soon as she arrived, but when the 90’s boyband hits sounded through the park, Zuko gave it back to him.

“Poor Suki, will not agree with that”, you grinned as he caught you watching him.

“Maybe, but you will. Believe me”, Zuko said with a smirk and a wink.

He was right. With another two gulps of rum, Sokka was ready to not only sing solos but also presenting his version of well-known boyband-choreographies.

“You still judging me?” Zuko leaned over and gestured for the bottle of Banana liquor.

“Yes, sorta. I’m still feeling for Suki. She will not have a good time tonight.”

“You really underestimate Sokka, you know. He’ll be just fine. And so will she. Maybe a little exhausted because he’s going to be full of energy all night.”

“What about the hangover tomorrow?”

“They don’t live together.”

“Sounds like a technicality…”

“Meh”

With a look Zuko asked permission to try the Banana liquor and, with a look, you gave it to him. His face twisted in various amusing ways before nodding.

“Not what I expected. Gotta say it. But I think I may like it.”

“Take like, two more sips. You should be a fan after.”

He followed your instructions and grinned at you. “It is unique, I give you that.”

“You can always give me the bottle back.”

He kept it. What happened to it, you didn’t know but it never found it’s way back to you. Zuko either emptied it or he passed it on to someone. Not that you cared. Suki had reluctantly joined Sokka in his choreography and, surprisingly, so had Bian and Tuyet and some other Kyoshi sisters. Tuyet was pulling you from your seat to join. Toph pushed you off the chair and when all said and done you had been dancing stupid choreos of Sokka’s for about 80 minutes and missed Zuko leaving. Thus was created the mystery of the Banana liquor. 

The night ended late. It was early morning and the birds were chirping when you carried the last of the boards that had made up the bars to the van. It would be locked and collected tomorrow by some Psychology student. Haru offered his parents’ house as refuge for the night as a reward for helping to tidy up. You all had gladly agreed. Sokka was still singing 90’s anthems to entertain you all and you weren’t the only ones tidying up. It was rather fun, really.

When you arrived at the house you didn’t really take in the details. You were shown a room and fell into the bed, fast asleep before your head hit the pillow.

[dark-muse-iris]

What’s your opinion of tumblr versus AO3 for beginning fanfiction writers?

Tumblr is a social media platform that would rather put money toward marketing ploys for rich investors than give their users what they want. They have repeatedly told us to open wide and then shit down our throats when it comes to fundamentals like formatting long text posts and searching for fics. Anyone who posts fics to Tumblr has to deal with that, and the bugs are always present because the app is often changing and usually not for the better. There are also reports that Tumblr is losing money. That’s something we should be paying attention to as users. The site may go the way of LiveJournal, which is why it’s critical to follow your favorite writer’s other social media.

Tumblr’s audience these days is a mixed bag when it comes to participation. My data pulls I have running on the back-end since I started here suggests that following the NSFW ban in December 2018, the interactions between readers and writers has tanked. I’m hearing the same on many, many writer blogs, which likely explains the resurgence of networks. It’s so hard to get our works circulated here now with the way Tumblr has changed their search bar. Getting a blog started and growing a following from zero is very hard to do. I think it’s harder now than it used to be. Is it impossible though? No. I’m still seeing new blogs do well, although admittedly it’s often because well-established blogs are going to bat for them. My own blog gained a large following that way.

AO3 is less visually enticing than Tumblr is, but they don’t have formatting bugs. They also allow for users to leave large text blocks of feedback (vs. multiple asks on Tumblr), save fics to read for later, and has a subscription system that will send you an email when your favorite writer updates. That should be enough of a reason to post there, since those are the lead complaints about Tumblr. Posting there has been a very positive experience for me in two significant areas: 1) the Hit count has proven to me that my fics are getting read whereas Tumblr makes me feel like a has-been, and 2) the feedback on AO3 is of higher quality and is more likely to talk about what I actually wrote. Back when I asked my blog which platform they preferred, the majority of respondents preferred AO3, mostly because of the Bookmarks and ability to leave longer feedback.

I do have a lot of opinions about both platforms, but the most important one is that the “us vs. them” business regarding reader-inserts vs. shipping fics has got to stop. A lot of Tumblr vs. AO3 talk is centered on that. I am still reading that shipping fics *belong* on AO3 and reader-inserts *belong* here, and that’s a crock of shit. That’s voluntarily limiting one’s audience because one might be scared to be a small fish in a big pond. If you open up your blog showing that kind of fear from the jump, you’ll look like you have no confidence and no one will want to read your stories, no matter the platform. I have been posting reader-inserts on AO3 for a while now and have had zero hate for it. It’s also worth noting that I get more feedback on AO3 even though AO3 subscribers are only 5% of the audience I have on Tumblr. That’s how awful the silent reader problem is here.

Whether a writer is new or not doesn’t really matter anymore, at least from where I’m sitting. I am a well-established blog with a large audience of thousands of people and I’m getting the same amount of traffic and feedback that I was when I was about 3 months old. Just because one fic does well doesn’t mean they all will. Your audience will change as the fandom changes, so it’s important to self-examine and truly know the why behind your choice to upload. 

If your main goal is to get popular ASAP, neither are the platform for you. If your goal is to upload stories but you want to invest time in making pretty banners for everything, Tumblr is your best choice. (I upload on AO3 only, but I still make posts for all my fics on here because I like doing banners and they advertise my fics well enough). If you want to upload with the least amount of headaches and you want your fic to be discovered via tags, AO3 is the best call. That platform is also is very stable as a non-profit; it’s not going anywhere. There are also other platforms to consider.

At the end of the day, you can mix it up, get creative about your marketing, play it safe, etc. There is no “one size fits all” method to getting out there and growing an audience. Each fandom is different. Each genre and trope are different.

[fulcrum-agent]

8: What is one mistake you've made while roleplaying?

This is super personal, so it’s going under a cut.

Since towards the end of SWG’s original height, near the time City of Heroes launched, but before EQ2 landed, the person I was dating and living with brought up the idea of having our characters in different MMOs become couples.

It wasn’t all that much of a mistake, initially. Even though he and I parted ways, it didn’t have many immediate effects.

By GW2 and SW: TOR, I got into a fairly long term (10 years) relationship again with my first fiancee. Initially, we were in different states, so we made our TOR characters a couple - our group did about 2 years of pre-game RP - though that didn’t happen in GW2 because I nope out on Asura in that manner unless I’m playing an Asura.

And that’s where things became a long, spiralling mistake. Through several games, up till the relaunch of XIV, our main characters were always romantically involved.

Fast forward a bit to December 2013. I met someone in XIV who ended up becoming my main’s oathsworn (she’s not one for marriage, at all). He lived here in the same state as I do, just two hours away, so the fiancee and I went to meet him; sometime within that month, he became part of the Household, and we started dating OOC. My fiancee liked him well enough, but always was a touch wary of him; I wasn’t sure why till after a car wreck in November 2016.

He showed us an image of himself as a teenager/young 20 year old, and he looked uncannily like the person who high-level gaslighted me as a young teen (which is another story for another time). That was only rather reinforced during the next election primaries, as my CPTSD was shot from the car wreck, and I had a night terror that was almost entirely realistic (pro tip - if you get night terrors never use sleep masks because instead of the shadowy shapes you see in normal night terrors, it reverts to REM level image creation).

The night terror was that someone had come into my room, then got into the bed, and was forcibly turning me towards them, then trying to pull me to them in a very possessive, domineering manner. The face was obscured because there was bright light in the room behind him (as it I was apparently aware it was midday), but it was impossible to tell if it was the person who gaslighted me (one of the politicians here has a name from that mess, I don’t deal well with political season here) and the guy I met in XIV.

He was very good at manipulation, he was very mentally abusive. After my fiancee moved back home for a job in September 2014, this guy only got worse with the abuse. Although I had been gaslighted as a teen, the textbook type of gaslighting is a tad unfamiliar to me; after you have someone nearly hardwire your reality into something that almost belongs in a novel, it’s actually pretty fucking hard to recognise lesser abuse.

This person was also exceptionally controlling, telling me how to run my FC even after he’d stopped being an officer. Telling me how to write stories for the FC RPs, and getting super passive-aggressive if I didn’t agree to it, rather than trying to hash out better ideas together. He also was so insecure - coupled with his controlling nature, mind you - that he basically forced every single one of my character into some sort of relationship RP, and threw fits if it seemed like the few who weren’t attached got into relationship RP; after any one of them seemed to be getting romantically involved with someone, he rather pushed one of his characters into romancing that character, until I’d relent to it.

Initially, I wasn’t so bothered by it, I’d RP’d relationships with people I’d dated before at that point, and the time spent with my fiancee before this all happened had started conditioning me into it. It was after the first time this person demanded I stopped RP’ing with someone that things started to bother me.

Unfortunately, with this person, it all became conditioned into me. I tried several times to untangle my characters after we started having massive fights - which he never got into a fight with me unless we were alone, another massive manipulator/gaslighting trick - because at that point, he wasn’t playing XIV much, and because of the car wreck in 2016, he’d moved into the other room because I literally could not be touched without massive pain (well, more than usual, fuck you fibromyalgia). I wanted to be able to continue growth with my characters, especially my main character, but any progress I made lead to him having a fit over it, and another fight.

He also always insisted things weren’t as bad as they seemed. He used a borderline personality disorder trait, splitting, against me; he’d claim he hadn’t done anything terrible, and that I was just splitting - however, largely, I learned to handle my issues with splitting in the early 2000s, after I learned I had BPD, though admittedly, his shite made it very difficult not to have splitting occur more frequently.

Eventually, someone very dear to me was on Discord with me while I was laid up from a surgery. The kindness and caring that person was showing me had been waking me up to what was going on. The day this occurred, there had been a horrible fight before the guy left for work, cus I could literally not do anything, and had an issue with the bedding, and he flipped out about absolutely having to stay home and fix it when I could have just waited by going to sleep in a lazy-boy downstairs - which I had told him, but he made the almost executive decision to deal with it himself.

After my fiancee, our future houseboy, and this person saw what I wrote out to describe it, I managed to explain what happened to my mum, and when this guy got home that day, she told him he had to move out.

The freak out he had over that was amazing. He came upstairs, heard me laughing with the dearheart who was trying to help me get back to being at least mentally/emotionally functional, and just demanded I get off the call. He refused to accept the 24 hour rule, or that I actually did not feel up to it. I was so freaked out, that I didn’t disconnect the Discord call properly, I just pulled the headset out.

Little did myself and that dearheart know, at the time, but that flips Discord into speakerphone; he muted his mic, and listened to the whole incident. This guy yelled at me, demeaned me, and bullied me into a grand maul panic attack in which I lost the ability to speak, and even move. And instead of backing off, he threatened to get my panic medication and force the conversation to continue. I can’t even remember what caused him to back off from it, but he did. Plugged the headset back in, and found out that it never disconnected, and everything was finally heard.

That single thing snapped the last chain keeping me from ending things with that person. It took him a couple of months to move out, and he was still very aggressive frequently; I had to go to Philly for an appointment, and he was being so aggressive about spending the day there even though I had planned to spend time with the person who overheard the fight via Discord, the nurse took me back to the room, and immediately asked me about domestic violence (and that was really the first time I had a good cry about it - the appointment ended up being 2 hours, because their DVU came to talk to me).

I didn’t often take it laying down. I basically became a tiger that got cornered - I would unsheathe the claws, and lash out, in an attempt to get him to back away from me, frequently. Towards the end, I was having to do so several times a week. But it was either fight back, or be totally undone. Literally, the only thing that ever worked to stop him was psychological warfare.

However, even after all that, I discovered that what he did with XIV (in particular) had left some pretty lasting ramifications.

The first of which is that I discovered that it had literally become hardwired into my brain that the game is experienced with your significant other. I get extreme anxiety about things when someone I’m with has their characters romantically involved with others - which the fact that it’s a thing pisses me off greatly. For a time, I also had issues bothering with the MSQ, because that was something that was done with the ex for basically four years; that’s gotten significantly better, as I’ve done the past two patches without someone going through them with me.

The weirdness about character relationships isn’t going away though, even when the other person is only doing it 100% IC. I’m trying to break out of that mindset, but it’s fucking difficult as hell.

I also now get massive anxiety when a stranger starts any sort of flirty or romantic RP towards my characters. Even people I’ve known a few months trigger that anxiety. Because I don’t want them to do what the ex did again, now that I’ve figured out the lasting repercussions.

So, after all that, I feel like ever getting involved with relationship RP with someone I was dating was a huge mistake.

Thanks for the ask, @vianne-solainteau - sorry it was so ah…heavy.

[theartofdreaming1]

Semester Reading List

Another 6 months have passed and that can only mean one thing: Another semester reading list! Here are the books I’ve read from April ‘18 until early October ‘18, including summaries and my thoughts on them:

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte:

Summary:  When the mysterious and beautiful young widow Helen Graham becomes the new tenant at Wildfell Hall rumours immediately begin to swirl around her. As her neighbour Gilbert Markham comes to discover, Helen has painful secrets buried in her past that even his love for her cannot easily overcome.

Thoughts: I loved this one a lot! (I read it in, like, two or three days - and it’s a very thick book! but it’s just really good) I was pretty surprised at first when I found out that it begins telling the story from the male protagonist’s perspective (Gilbert); which is not what I expected, admittedly. The middle part of the book are excerpts from the female protagonist’s perspective (over the course of her courtship, then later marriage with her abusive husband) - it was really fascinating to catch such an intimate glimpse of Helen’s point of view and see it change over time... but it was also very nice to see how she’d always been a strong character, although at first more falling into that “woman as the savior of the man’s virtuous attributes” trap, before she realizes that if she wants her son not to grow up like his father, she has to leave (which is very big thing for that time, when you think about it) - and her husband’s manipulating behavior to keep her at his side (complete with the classic “you don’t love me as much as I love you”-accusation). In addition to that, it was also very nice to see Gilbert react to Helen’s diary entries with a lot of understanding and just being very respectful regarding her wishes from then on (he’d been acting a little douche-y and presumptuous at times prior to that) and also see Gilibert bond with Helen’s son... This book felt just very modern in the way it dealt with this serious topic of an abusive marriage, which made it a very fascinating read! (This was my first book written by a Bronte sister and I feel like I have picked the absolute winner with Tenant of Wildfell Hall :)

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Summary: When Elizabeth Bennet first meets eligible bachelor Fitzwilliam Darcy, she thinks him arrogant and conceited, while he struggles to remain indifferent to her good looks and lively mind. When she later discovers that Darcy has involved himself in the troubled relationship between his friend Bingley and her beloved sister Jane, she is determined to dislike him more than ever. 

Thoughts: I’ve already put my thoughts on P&P down in this post (I just read this Austen book very often ;)

The Darcys of Derbyshire by Abigail Reynolds:

Summary: During her trip to Derbyshire, Elizabeth Bennet longs to see the view from the famous Black Rocks, but her aunt and uncle refuse to allow her to ascend to the highest rock outcroppings alone. Elizabeth’s distress is only worsened by a chance encounter with Mr. Darcy - at least until he offers to accompany her to the Black Rocks. Unaware that the place has special significance for Fitzwilliam Darcy, she accepts his invitation. During their adventure, Darcy tells her the story of how his parents met and married despite many obstacles in their way; and like Darcy’s mother before her, Elizabeth learns there is more to the men of the Darcy family than meets the eye.

Thoughts: I really loved the story of Darcy’s parents, giving a little more backstory to the Darcy’s that came before the best-known Darcy of them all ;) The Lizzie/Darcy part of this book didn’t really work for me, though - it felt a little too fanfiction-y (read: romantic wish fulfillment that doesn’t exactly fit the proper nature of Jane Austen’s world... - or Darcy’s for that matter) for my taste. Nevertheless, it was still a very interesting read.

The Island of Doctor Moreau by H.G. Wells

Summary: A shipwrecked Edward Prendick finds himself stranded on a remote Noble island, the guest of a notorious scientist, Doctor Moreau. Disturbed by the cries of animals in pain, and by his encounters with half-bestial creatures, Prendick slowly realises his danger and the extremes of the Doctor’s experiments.

Thoughts: Very creepy. Definitely an interesting read (it’s a classic, after all... I just recently read a Wonder Woman comic that had a very ‘Island of Doctor Moreau’-vibe to it, which was interesting) and very suspenseful in the second half. It definitely made a good point about the importance of ethics in science. There were a few moments that made me uncomfortable because they read kinda racist to me (I guess you could argue that that’s simply influenced by the mindset of the society and era back then, but that’s just something I really didn’t like at all.)

The Caped Crusade: Batman and the Rise of Nerd Culture by Glen Weldon

Summary: Since his debut in Detective Comics #27, Batman has been many things: a two-fisted detective; a planet-hopping gadabout; a campy Pop Art sensation; a pointy-eared master spy; and a grim ninja of the urban night, cycling through eras of dark melodrama and light comedy and back again. He is constantly changing, jumping from page to screen and beyond, and yet he remains one of our most revered cultural icons. In this witty, wise, and a fascinating history, MPR critic and self-proclaimed nerd Glen Weldon explains why we’ve continued to look to this masked man in the night - and what that devotion tells us about ourselves.

Thoughts: Very extensive, in-depth and interesting book about Batman and nerd culture; the language was sometimes very flowery, with lots of fancy descriptors (which sometimes threw me off a little), but overall very fun and cool! (Also, I’m just a huge Batman fangirl, I love reading this kind of stuff! ;)

Mr. Darcy’s Diary by Amanda Grange

Summary: The only place Darcy could share his innermost feelings... was the pages of his diary... Torn between his sense of duty to his family name and his growing passion for Elizabeth Bennet, all he can do is struggle not to fall in love.

Thoughts: I liked this one a lot better than ‘The Darcys of Derbyshire’, I’ve got to admit - it felt a lot more natural and fitting for ‘canon’ than the other P&P inspired book. I very much liked how Darcy’s Diary gave the reader context for Darcy’s prickliness in the beginning of Pride & Prejudice (having the Wickham/Georgiana situation happen not too long ago, for example). It was also nice to read about Darcy’s thoughts and feeling regarding his friendship with Bingley (and his feeling for Lizzie, of course ;) Darcy is one of my favorite characters so it was a lot of fun to be able to read this P&P companion from his point of view :)

The Illustrated Man by Ray Bradbury

Summary: Ray Bradbury brings wonders alive. For this peerless American storyteller, the most bewitching force in the universe is human nature. In these eighteen startling tales unfolding across a canvas of tattooed skin, living cities take their vengeance, technology awakens the most primal natural instincts, and dreams are carried aloft in junkyard rockets. Provocative and powerful, The Illustrated Man is a kaleidoscopic blending of magic, imagination, and truth—as exhilarating as interplanetary travel, as maddening as a walk in a million-year rain, and as comforting as simple, familiar rituals on the last night of the world.

Thoughts: I just absolutely adore Ray Bradbury’s short stories (even though they don’t not necessarily fall into the genres I usually read). There is just something about his writing that feels very natural and simple to me, while simultaneously being very layered and making me ponder about the deeper meaning of the stories I’ve just read. This book collects mainly creepy (and excellent) short stories like ‘The Veldt’ or ‘Zero Hour’ (’the Veldt’ is the first short story in this book and it’s so amazing; it had me at the edge of my seat throughout), but also a kinda sweet one like ‘The Rocket’ - I very much enjoyed reading this book!

Wonder Woman Unbound: The Curious History of the World’s Most Famous Heroine by Tim Hanley

Summary: With her golden lasso and her bullet-deflecting bracelets, Wonder Woman is a beloved icon of female strength in a world of male superheroes. But this close look at her history portrays a complicated heroine who is more than just a female Superman. When they debuted in the 1940s, Wonder Woman comics advocated female superiority and the benefits of matriarchy; her adventures were also colored by bondage imagery and hidden lesbian leanings. In the decades that followed, Wonder Woman fell backward as American women began to step forward. Ultimately, Wonder Woman became a feminist symbol in the 1970s, and the curious details of her past were quickly forgotten. Exploring this lost history adds new dimensions to the world’s most beloved female character, and Wonder Woman Unbounds delves into her comic book and its spin-offs as wekk as motivations of her creators to showcase the peculiar journey of a twentieth-century icon.

Thoughts: Yet again, a really interesting and entertaining book by Tim Hanley about an awesome comic book lady! I already knew plenty about Wonder Woman, but there were still things I didn’t know about the world’s most famous superheroine. Plus, it’s always cool to learn more about the background and historical context behind the story of this amazing amazon!

Mythos: The Greek Myths Retold by Stephen Fry

Summary: No one loves and quarrels, desires and deceives as boldly or brilliantly as Greek gods and goddesses. In Stephen Fry's vivid retelling we gaze in wonder as wise Athena is born from the cracking open of the great head of Zeus and follow doomed Persephone into the dark and lonely realm of the Underworld. We shiver when Pandora opens her jar of evil torments and watch with joy as the legendary love affair between Eros and Psyche unfolds. Mythos captures these extraodinary myths for our modern age - in all their dazzling and deeply human relevance.

Thoughts: I always enjoyed reading the book about Greek myths that I’ve had as a child and I enjoy Stephen Fry’s humor, so I just had to buy this book when I saw it at my local bookstore - an excellent decision, as it turned out! Stephen Fry tells these ancient myths in such an entertaining and witty manner that I just couldn’t help but laugh out loud sometimes! It didn’t matter if I was already familiar with a particular myth or if it was one completely unknown to me, I was just completely glued to this book, eager to find out more and read Stephen Fry’s fun take on it! As this book doesn’t even begin to cover all the stories of Greek mythology that exist, I really hope that there will be a continuation of this book in the future :)

Catwoman: Soulstealer by Sarah J. Maas

Summary: Two years after escaping Gotham City’s slums, Selina Kyle returns as the mysterious and wealthy Holly Vanderhees. Batman is off on a vital mission and Gotham is at the mercy of the new thief on the prowl. Joined by the cunning Poison Ivy and notorious Harley Quinn, she wreaks havok across the city. Selina is playing a desperate game of cat and mouse. But with a dangerous threat from the past on her tail, will she be able to pull of the ultimate heist?

Thoughts: To be honest, I was pretty disappointed by this book of the DC Icons Series. It started out very promising and interesting with seventeen-year-old Selina living on her own, taking care of her sister, Maggie, who’s seriously ill. To be able to pay for the medical bills, Selina has become part of a street fighter gang, working for the mob boss Falcone. With this premise, I would have loved to just read a story about how Selina finds a way to break free from Falcone’s influence to do her own thing and become the kickass cat burglar we know and love - but instead, Selina is found out by the police and social services and then, at the precinct, gets offered one chance to escape the system to instead become an assassin for Talia al Ghul! A couple of years later, Selina returns to Gotham under the guise of socialite “Holly Vanderhees”. To me, Selina has alwas been someone who has been very independent and self-reliant and now to have her impressive skill set be traced back to the al Ghuls just doesn’t sit particularly well with me. Over the course of the rest of the book, Selina does team up with Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn, which is normally something I absolutely love (Gotham City Sirens, for the win!), but Ivy felt extremely off to me: too nice, too soft, too goody-two-shoes, I guess? I don’t know, it just didn’t feel right to me. In addition to all of that, Selina has to share her own book with Luke Fox, aka Batwing. I have nothing against Luke at all, and his backstory is definitely interesting, but a) due to his dealings with his PTSD (that gets triggered by loud noises such as gunshots which, for a vigilante, is just plain dangerous and I can’t imagine Bruce being nonchalant about this kind of thing when ‘recruiting’ someone with these kind of issues) and other problems, he’s not particularly good at the whole superheroing, which is a bummer and b) there is so much going on in his life that I simply felt that Luke should have just gotten his own book so his character could be thoroughly explored. Also, I just wasn’t digging the romance between Selina and Luke (that might be my inner BatCat shipper talking, but I wasn’t feeling the chemistry between these two at all.) My biggest issue with this book is, that while I was reading it, I had like three ideas for other Catwoman stories I would have rather read, making this book just a reminder of missed opportunities for me.

Lois Lane (Fallout trilogy) by Gwenda Bond

Summary:  … a contemporary reimagining of teenage Lois Lane. She and her family have lived all over, but now they’re in Metrolpolis for good, and Lois is determined to stay quiet. Fit in. Maybe make a friend. As soon as she walks into her new high school, though, she can see it won’t be easy. A group known as the Warheads is making life miserable for another girl at school. They’re messing with her mind somehow, via the high-tech immersive video game they all play. Not cool. Armed with her wit and her new snazzy job as a reporter, Lois has her sights set on solving the mystery. But even she needs help sometimes. Thank goodness for her maybe-more-than-a-friend, someone she knows only by his screen name, SmallvilleGuy…

Thoughts: I’ve already read these books since I’ve started doing my reading lists, so you can find my thoughts on the first two books here and my thoughts on the third book here.

Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood

Summary:  Sixteen years have passed since Grace was locked up, at the age of 16, for the cold-blooded murders of her employer and his housekeeper/lover. Her alleged accomplice in the crimes, James McDermot, paid the extreme sentence of the law and was hanged on November 21, 1843. But some thought Grace was innocent, and her sentence has been commuted to life imprisonment. After a spell in the Lunatic Asylum she now claims to have no memory of the murders, and so Dr. Simon Jordan tries to wake the part of Grace's mind which lies dormant. But what will he find?

Thoughts: I first found out about Margaret Atwood’s Alias Grace through the Netflix series (which is really good!), so I knew most of the story already when I got myself the book. Turns out that the Netflix series is a pretty good adaptation of the book - still, the book offered more insights into the various characters (as books are wont to do) and I liked that the book wasn’t just simple narration from different points of view, but was also interspersed with excerpts from actual newspaper clippings, Susanna Moodie’s book and written confessions, as well as a poem at the beginning of each chapter and the occasional letter written by the characters. I did sometimes hit points during which reading was going pretty slow (maybe because it reads old-fashion-y, which is sometimes difficult for me as a non-native English speaker; maybe because it’s not exactly a short book you can just breeze through... I don’t know), but overall, it is a really intriguing story with multi-layered and complicated characters, which is always a win in my book (pun not intended)!

If you’d like to know more about these books (and/or my thoughts about them) feel free to message me at any time or leave an ask in my askbox! :)

The summaries are from the back of the books or amazon pages.

[ngakauaroha]

It’s been a couple days, now. I had wanted to write this down then, but I couldn’t quite make the words happen the way I would have preferred. Hardly anyone follows this blog, and it isn’t my professional blog, nor is my actual full name associated, thus it should be alright.

As for the writing itself, I will place it under a read more. Just as a courtesy to those who may not wish to read my sentiments about meeting with him.

I guess I don’t know how to start putting my thoughts together, I’ve been staring at this for over an hour, probably longer, on and off. I obviously haven’t been neglecting to do other things, although it’s not officially my shift.

I guess I’ll give a potted history, and, for the sake of something that feels more personal, to me, let’s call my friend Porehu.

Porehu started contact with me to ask after the wellbeing of my department. This became a regular occurrence, until we had built enough trust that he began opening up about his issues, and I offered to help, which he accepted.

We met in person the first time because I had to come help him with such. We didn’t have time to talk about much more than just some vaguery about what we respectively do, due to the more pressing issues. I almost prefer not to count that one as a meeting, at all.

I conveyed to him I would like to be able to see him under more pleasant circumstances, and requested that we find another means to communicate through our letters, for professionalism’s sake, and, admittedly, because I wanted to be able to save these exchanges. I should reblog the ones I felt significant later.

I was nervous, but he was amenable, eager, even. And so we have our respective blogs, of course.

Which leads us to two and a half days ago. And the part I will be more detailed about.

We managed to get very lucky that our, busy and erratic, schedules lined up as soon as they did after out technical first meeting. I was expecting to wait a month or two, if not longer, for that to happen. I guess being mistaken in my guesses is a trend, here.

He brought his friend, who I had helped him with, but I think that friend is angry about how it all played out. But I don’t want to dwell on that. The friend seemed nice enough the first technical meeting, and seemed it at first. I’m sure he’ll go back to that soon enough. I hope so, for my friend’s sake.

Anyway, the location was a cliche one, I suppose, but I’m pretty sure Porehu’s friend was the only one at our table who had the faintest idea what was going on.

We talked about a lot of nothing, but, well, honestly hearing his voice was nice in ways I can’t describe. I tried to dedicate it to memory, so I can read his messages in the right voice, I wasn’t paying too much attention to the sound of his voice, last time, after all.

I say “a lot of nothing,” I guess it wasn’t “nothing,” exactly. Maybe it would count as “small talk,” I’m not quite sure, but it was stuff that builds a foundation to have more in depth discussions about some of the things we talked about on a surface level.

Also of note, Porehu gave me a name. I think my guess about why he was so shy, even the first time we met, about it was right. And this was where his friend got mean. Porehu seemed to have a hard time with his name, and his friend made fun of the name he gave me.

Friend aside, if I am right, and it is the name those close to him use (I told him it could be anything at all), then that is a deep level of trust, and I will not betray that trust.

I don’t think I know how to process a lot of this, honestly. I don’t want to sound like I don’t adore my friends. I do. But, well, I remember hearing something about how when you become an adult, one of the things you realize is that a lot of your friends in high school are only friends because you see each other every day. I also know there are plenty of friends who would never be friends outside of work. That doesn’t make those friends any less wonderful, at all.

Point is, there’s something uniquely wonderful about this situation, whatever it’s called. Porehu goes out of his way to contact me, and, unlike others who are regularly contacting me, he hasn’t made a single request of me. I offered my help, he accepted. He isn’t using me solely as a means to contact others within my department, he even focuses on me as a person. I do get others who do, but they don’t open a dialogue in the same way, and as much as I would love to, I am unlikely to meet many, if any, of those people. Even if I did, well, shared experience means Porehu “gets it” a bit better than most.

A contact who had no ulterior motives to contact me is, I suppose, a good basis to build something like a friendship on. I’m still not clear on when “friendship” is versus when “acquaintance” is, but I already know that that’s one of those “ask a dozen people, expect thirteen answers” sort of questions. I guess it’ll fall into place on its own. Like everything else seems to have been.

I am not glad his friend hasn’t been doing well, but...well, that enabled us to meet, properly. I wish the catalyst had been something less unpleasant. But I can’t change that.

I find myself nervous, again, should he read this, that I’m not making sense, or that I’m going to come off all wrong, but it is what it is. I’m also worried, irrationally, about how well things have gone thus far. I suppose sometimes, things like that grow on you over time. Not in the way a person grows on you, though I suppose one could accurately say Porehu has done that exact thing.

While I don’t know labels, yet, I do think of us as companions, in the sort of “traveling companions” sense. While I haven’t cashed in on his own offers to help, I want to believe he has some knowledge that’ll be helpful. He seems to really want to be able to help, and I want him to be able to, if he wants to.

There are so many emotions, even still. I’m sure I’ll be lightly teased, though I sort of deserve it, I guess.

His hands were soft, and his eyes as well. That’s the best way to describe that.

I’m going to stop before I devolve into gibbering nonsense by trying to put simple words to something as complex as emotions and make them “adequate descriptors.”

We’re hoping for sometime next week. I’m going to schedule for my day off, so that my boss doesn’t...worry.

[i-have-lived]

I just need to talk into a void right now. Badly.

For the past two months, I've been questioning if I have some kind of dissociative disorder. I've experienced dissociation alot in my lifetime, but it's gotten alot worse. I've always had this.. interest in multiplicity, and have encountered it a few times in my personal life, and outside of a few passing thoughts, I never would have assumed I had anything like it...

But then, recently, when I started to seriously question it, some. Alters, headmates, parts, whatever you want to call them, started to introduce themselves to me (after I had put in quite a good deal of effort to make contact... Asking if anyone else was there, because I was beginning to think there was...)

Since then I've experienced worsening dissociation, and can barely stand my own reflection most days. I think I've experienced "switching", ranging from pretty intense and prolonged (headaching, stress, watching my body do things without my input, or saying things out loud that I don't mean to say...) To barely noticeable (just having the sudden feeling that I'm not who i was just awhile ago, or suddenly realizing I'm acting strangely. Like a shift in my facial expression that I can't change, wanting to wear clothes i would NEVER normally want to, getting up and doing things and not knowing why im doing them, etc.)

Things were very difficult at first, and i had alot of breakdowns wondering whats happening to me, and why. If I have bpd (Never been diagnosed with that, but a psychiatrist told me when i was about 13-14ish that I had "bpd like symptoms" but didn't go any farther than that due to my age. Haven't had any follow-up with that since.) and just internalized the symptoms of those around me, if I'm having some kind of delusion, or if I have some form of osdd (my therapist and i both agree its unlikely to be DID, because I haven't experienced any significant amnesia barriers).

Most of my "alters" and I are alot different, and its really hard to have conversation, or to try to visualize them in my head to try to talk. And at one point, I had woken up and started to panic because i didn't know where I was, why i was there, or where my "kids" were. Mind you, I'm in a same-sex LDR, and neither of us have had or plan to have kids. I panicked, alot, and of course I say "I" but... I know that that wasn't me. Not really, at least.

Other alters, like Fenrir (who was the first to introduce himself to me, and has become somewhat of a father figure to me) have been very nice, and tries his best to keep me from self harming, and I've noticed comes out alot when I'm having a break down/panic attack. I've had the most communication with him, although everything still feels distant and blurry, as if I don't really know him fully yet.

This issue has been continuing throughout these past two months, and I'm lucky I've had a good friend of mine to talk to about it, that my "alters" can talk to freely (which has helped me learn about them alot.) And who support me unconditionally throughout this whole thing. I've been hiding it from everyone else in my life though, as I'm not sure what to label it as, or if I'm just... Somehow subconsciously faking these symptoms for some reason I don't understand yet.

Admittedly (and this is something I'm extremely ashamed of, and have talked to my therapist about, and will NEVER repeat if i can help it) i have faked illness before. I was very young and in a terrible headspace, and very depressed and suicidal at the time. I had claimed to be experiencing hallucinations, but I knew the whole time that i was lying, and that my young, vulnerable brain was just trying to find some way to get the people around me to care, and to do something to help me, even if it meant i had to make something up. I mention this because I don't feel like this is something thats happening now, with what im experiencing with dissociation and my problems with identity... If i am faking it, I'm not concious of it. At all. A part of me is terrified that I'm wrong, and that this will all pass by me with time, that I'm just jumping to conclusions or faking it again even though I'm not actively trying to like i was before.

Things had been settling with me, though, and i was getting better at accepting what I've been experiencing with my "alters" and dissociating in general. But yesterday I went to my therapist, and ended up finally coming clean and talking to her for about an hour about these experiences, albeit in less detail since I was under extreme stress and was terrified throughout the entire conversation. Terrified that I'd be told I'm crazy, but also terrified of being told I'm not.

She's going to look into finding me a psychiatrist to talk to about this, probably to get a second opinion/diagnosis. She said she didn't think I have did, but that she doesn't think I'm delusional either, and i just.. got so many mixed signals. I don't know what to expect out of this, and i can't self-dx (obviously.) but it feels so terrifying and stressful and fucking awful to just have to sit and wait and do nothing, and not know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what to do or think of any of this. If it turns out that i do have osdd, or something, then at least I'll have some closure, but i have no idea how to deal with that going forward. What that would mean for my life, and the lives of everyone around me.

If i dont, then... What do i do with the knowledge of these people in my head? Just... Try to forget? Make them go away? I've been trying hard to do that and to deny their existence, but it feels ridiculous to do that, and it makes me feel.. really guilty.

I just... Theres just so much happening. And its all scary, and all overwhelming, and I wish I had waited longer to say anything to my therapist about it, until i felt more sure or, or what, I don't know. I don't think i was as ready to talk about it as I thought I was.

If you've made it this far, thanks for, uh, hearing me out. I guess. If anyone can give me advice or comfort or just, any input on this, if you relate or what, I'd really like to hear from you.

[rebaenrose]

Tim has COVID-19

This was my husband’s first post about finding out he had covid. He posts on Facebook but said I can share here.

I Have COVID-19If all intentions prove fruitful, I plan to document this journey, even if in tiny snapshots.  And we certainly hope the journey is as short and as sweet as possible.The idea being that we have all lived this nightmare for well over a year, yet for some of us it is still this strange thing that "other" people get.  It is even somewhat common in human nature to hear tales and say to oneself "well, they must have been careless."

Another reason to document this is that, while most of us try to keep up on the news, the stories of symptoms, statistics, probabilities and mortality rates are mind-boggling and confusing.   Perhaps a story from a friend can help bring it home.There is no doubt that, especially with this disease, every story is different.  Thankfully, thus far my story is insignificant.   If it stays that way, so much the better.  If not, perhaps it can serve as a cautionary tale to the reader.In some ways it started last Sunday (Feb 21).  

On that day Erol hosted a Zoom call with fellow NYU Acting school grads.  I graduated in 1982 and have not seen these people in all that time.  38 years.  NYU was the most significant series of events in my life, other than getting married.  And because my acting career is non-existent in comparison to my fellow alumni, it was a very emotional meeting for me.In fact, I think I was still emotionally impacted by the meeting on Monday afternoon, when I started feeling weaker than usual and the aches in my body a bit more severe.  Also, concentration was poor, which for me is the most alarming of all.   I have been burning my candle at both ends now for many months on end.  

As a computer contractor, work is feast or famine and, for some crazy reason, during COVID it has been a feast… and I’ve been taking advantage of it.Naturally, however, in this time of COVID, when you feel more than usually fatigued or sore, there is cause for concern.  And the brain fog is really worrisome.

Tuesday I worked from home and by mid-day the aches were accompanied by chills, major fatigue and some minor coughing, continued brain fog.  By Tuesday night we determined that I had temperatures in the high 98s, low 99s.  I guess you call that a mild temperature. Tuesday night the fever broke.  I slept in, which for me means 7AM.  I felt much better and even the brain fog seemed to lift.  In this disorienting world of COVID, I think general confusion and anxiety can often be confused with brain fog.  Who’s to say?Because I’d been sick, I worked the rest of the week from home.  

Rebecca and I discussed regularly the possibility that it had been COVID.  Because Rebecca has fibromyalgia, it was super important that we find out as soon as possible.   We scheduled a test for 7AM on Wednesday.Still felt fine most of the day Wednesday.  Periodic coughing.  No chest tightness, no fever, no shortness of breath, taste and smell just fine.  Rebecca was pretty much fine as well, except for the usual aches and pains of fibromyalgia.  

I will take a pause here to mention that I am not the CrossFit guy from FaceBook 3 years ago.  In our first year in Utah, I did bicycle to and from work every day and take the stairs up and down 6 flights several times a day.  I also had access to the Capitol gym, which I used a few times a week.  But no other regular exercise routine.  In our 2nd year, I no longer have access to the stairs or gym and I had two bicycle accidents.  With the onset of the winter, I began taking the car in.   I look forward to returning to the bicycle, but for now my life is pretty sedentary. 

But unfortunately there is more.  At the outbreak of the pandemic, I was an ex-smoker.  For some inexplicable, stupid, non-thinking reason I picked up smoking again.  That’s right, smart computer programmer Tim picked up smoking at a time when full lung capacity and function are more crucial than at any other time in recent history.   I have no excuse.We did not get results back until Thursday.   

Positive for me and Negative for Rebecca.  WTF!!!???We immediately scheduled another test.  In fact, we opted for the “gold standard” swab (which would take a few days), as well as the rapid result test.  Within an hour we learned, once again, that I was positive and Rebecca Negative.  By mid-day Friday I got my gold standard test back, confirming for the 3rd time that I was positive.  Friday we began quarantine in earnest.  A call from a friendly county official confirmed that for any day in which we are closer than 6 feet for more than 15 minutes CUMULATIVE, we have to set the quarantine back another 10-14 days.  

Of course, we presume that by now Rebecca must be infected.  But who knows? Maybe not.  We tried to begin living as separately as possible. I took the living room, but there is no door.  And of course we share the bathroom and kitchen regularly.  A seemingly impossible situation.Meanwhile, neither of our health conditions changed, though Rebecca had a headache for a few days running.We are very lucky in that we have a rental unit in the basement.  And especially lucky that our current renter was vacating on Monday, so one of us could move down there.  

And super extraordinarily lucky that our tenant decided to move out 2 days early!!!!So yesterday, Sunday, I have moved to the basement and we are truly separate now.  And that is sad, but I guess necessary.Sunday night I began having some congestion again and some sneezing.   Today, Monday, I woke up feeling better.  I’d call it an extremely mild cold at this point.So, how did this happen?  Rebecca and I have been “good” since nearly the beginning of the pandemic.  Or at least when most people starting getting on board with social distancing and masking.  Granted, in the beginning the masks were home-made and flimsy.   

Rebecca and I have had disagreements about the degree to which to adhere to safety precautions.  Basically, any new guideline that came out, Rebecca was on it:  infrared cleaners, double-masking, N-95, whatever came along.  My philosophy was looser, which may account for my infection.   I also had more exposure:  I went to work 3-4 times per week.   I have an office all to myself and I keep the door closed.  While in the office, I don’t wear a mask.  But WHENEVER I leave the office, I wear a mask.  Admittedly not often two masks.  I do have a supply of masks at work that I change every few days.  

Did I ever “forget” and venture into the halls without a mask?  Yes. Not often. Probably 5-8 times over the course of the entire year, and not at all in the past 2 weeks that I can remember.  Did we go out into public?  Yes, visits to Home Depot, Costco, our local grocery store (and a few other specialty stores), WalMart (which we always found to be the scariest and we would get the hell out of there as fast as possible) and the local 7-11.  Always wearing masks and always staying 6 feet from people if at all possible.Was I ever in a social situation where I took my mask off, maybe to eat and maybe to converse a bit. 

Again, yes, a few times over the course of the past year.   Did we ever go to restaurants?  In the beginning, we took a few more risks and that has tapered off to not going at all.  I’d say that during the pandemic we may have been in 4-9 restaurants.  I can think of Dee’s (a local diner), the Other Place (not sure if we actually dined there), a bar in Sundance, Utah.  One particular restaurant visit was on February 4th, 20 days before my symptoms appeared.  I was given a free dinner at Ruth Chris’ Steak house in exchange for listening to a retirement spiel.  I wore my mask, kept my distance, was seated alone at my own table several feet from others, and the entire event involved only about 10-12 people.  But of course all you need is one.  Deliveries?   Yes, plenty.  Drive-throughs?  Probably more than we should:  we may have picked up food in a drive-through between 15-30 times over the pandemic.Did I ever get closer than 6 feet to people in stores?   Yes of course, it’s hard to avoid.

One disagreement Rebecca and I had was in regards to the outdoors. I was of the opinion that if you’re further than 6 feet from people out in the open, it’s perfectly okay to have your mask off.  If you see someone coming, slip it on.   While she sort of agreed with that in spirit, she still wore her mask all the time and also noted that I did not ALWAYS “slip it on” when we passed people. This is true – I took the risk that passing someone briefly in the open air was probably low risk, especially if I hold my breath before I pass them and don’t inhale again for several feet afterwards.A final note regarding symptoms:  several weeks ago, a few of my toes started getting sore.  Swollen and itchy.   Rebecca suspected athlete’s foot, so we got some medication.  However, the medication did not really seem to help much.  After Googling “COVID toes”, I see that my toes probably fit into that category. This is not an official diagnosis, nor does it make much sense, unless I’ve had COVID for a very long time (several weeks).  

If I’ve had it that long and Rebecca is still negative, she is truly WONDER WOMAN! Rebecca is getting another test today, Monday. Today, Monday, I now have a very slight cold, I’m still having a bit of trouble focusing, and the two toes are still slightly swollen, although it has subsided somewhat. I should also mention that they feel a bit numb.  They no longer itch, but feel numb.  Perhaps that is the result of the hydrocortisone I applied.

But how am I FEELING? IE, not my symptoms, but my emotions?  I would say that generally I am more worried that afraid. And I generally put those worries in the back of my mind and focus on all the things I need to do.  Emotions are powerful parts of our existence, but I am one of those people for whom emotions are generally in the background and often unrecognizable at first.  I think it took me nearly 4 years to finally start grieving my father’s death. When a volcano threatened our house on the Big Island, I was genuinely excited about keeping up on the news – again, I did not really feel grief over that event for nearly a year.  In some ways I guess my psychological makeup is a good thing – I mean, don’t the gurus of philosophy teach us to try and live in the present and not the past or future?   I have the knowledge that I have COVID and I have the knowledge of how to care for myself in the meantime (including not smoking!!!!), but for now I have few symptoms.  It would do me very little good to live in fear; might even be detrimental.   Of course, emotions are not spigots that we can willfully turn on or off.  It just happens to be that I am that kind of person.  I would venture to guess that if this were to develop into full-fledged COVID, however, I will be terrified. I had asthma as a child and I do know what it’s like to not be able to breathe.  It is terrifying.And now you are up to date.We will keep FaceBook posted.

[kylosrehn]

for the tv series thing, I know it isn't one but star wars?

send me a tv film series and I’ll tell you:

my all-time ultimate fave character: 

Since the sequels came, I’m highkey loving Rey. But before that it was Vader. Still is, I guess. They’re kinda tied. Yeah I like the villains okay fight me.

a character I didn’t used to like but now do:    

Hmm…Kylo I guess. I never disliked him, but I was pretty meh about him. I just didn’t care all that much. But I like how they fleshed him out in TLJ and built-up his backstory, and I’ve warmed to him since. He’s very much a tragic character and I always like that. Between the two of us, he reminds me a little bit of Ward—or FW Fitz, take your pick. It’s the whole lack of affection/evil mentors make monsters out of good boys/men thing all over again. 

      a character I used to like but now don’t:

I actually left this question til last to see if I could think of something, but nah, I’ve got nothing. I don’t think I went from liking to disliking any one character completely, just kind of…liking them less. Padme is one of those. She used to be my girl through my childhood and now I’m more meh about her. I guess that’s the closest example I can think of right now.

a character I’m indifferent about:

There’s a good few. Rose, Finn, Holdo out of the sequels. They’re the first ones that come to mind. Boba Fett, Phasma, Hux (aside from the fact that he makes for good comic relief). I don’t know, probably a few more.

a character who deserved better:

Maybe Padme, because the whole ‘breed and die’ trope, but it was obviously necessary because she never shows up in the originals and they had to explain that somehow. And Obi-Wan. Though it’s less of a ‘deserved better’ and more of a ‘fuck he’s been through a lot of shit in his life.’ The Rogue One crew I suppose, though again that was a plot thing. 

a ship I’ve never been able to get into:

Finn/Rey. I’m just not very interested in friends to lovers ships (looking at you FS.) And maybe Han/Leia. I know they’re basically at “iconic” level by now, but they never really wowed me. Tbh most SW ships are like, “eh, okay” for me. I tolerate/moderately like them, but there are very few that make me go into hardcore shipper mode. Mini-me loved Anidala growing up, they were literally one of my biggest childhood OTPs, but over time the allure has started to fade and I’ve picked up on more and more flaws, and honestly, I think I’ve just outgrown them. Now I’m focusing on Reylo because it’s just such a cool dynamic that’s never been explored in the films before (I mean, a telepathic/empathic bond that lets them tap into each other’s skills and memories? That’s so awesome, I’m so here for this) and all that build up and development in TLJ really got me. I was kind curious (but mostly in the worried kind of way) to see how they’d approach it after TFA but now I’m 100% on board. I loved what they did with them. Aaaand that’s not the question. (Totally unrelated: I lowkey shipped Vader with Aphra from the Comics. It’s such a rarepair, but the dynamic was quirky and I’m always here for that. She was kinda like a S1-Skye cracking jokes at this evil, murderous Sith Lord. Plus, the line “you’re what I’ve been waiting for my whole life.” ‘Nuff said.)

a ship I’ve never been able to get over:

Reylo. Please don’t screw it up in IX, please please please.

a cute, low-key ship:

Jyn/Cassian. Also, I really like platonic Finn/Rey. And Luke and Leia’s relationship. And I wouldn’t be opposed if somehow Finn/Poe happened. And Poe/BB-8. Okay so not all of those are ship-ships, but y’know.

an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it:

Tbh I lowkey wanted Poe to be with Paige, Rose’s sister, but lol she got killed off pretty quickly. Unpopular…well, I’m kinda looking forward to seeing how Han/Q’ira plays out in Solo (I’m 99% sure she plays him somehow. But hey, that seems to be my type.) I don’t know.

a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened:

Eh, I don’t hate any ships, really, or think something was “wrong.” Not a huge fan of Rose/Finn just because I don’t see any chemistry between them and it sorta feels one-sided, but I mean, you can develop feelings over time, so that might change in IX. I don’t mind them, they’re just kinda…there. Not a fan of Kylux but that’s just a fan thing, so whatever.  

my favourite storyline/moment:

Right now it’s the Reylo Force Bond scenes. Yeah, all of them, lol. And the throne room fight scene because you expect them to start attacking each other, but instead they work together and subvert all expectations and I loved it. That scene at the end of Rogue One where Vader just demolishes the rebels. It was so dark and chilling and just all around ahh. Also, the Obi-Wan/Qui Gon/Maul fight from TPM is one of my all-time favourites. And the music! Ahh, awesome. Oh, also, the arena fight on Geonosis. I’m not sure I have a favourite storyline—though I’m admittedly a sucker for the whole ‘here, go on a totally-not-romantic trip to protect to senator on this beautiful, lush, fragrant world and try not to fall in love lol bye’ storyline because it’s just so wonderfully tropey. It’s like something pulled straight out of fic (and not necessarily in a bad way.) I’m kinda tempted to write a fic based on that, ngl. One day. 

a storyline that never should have been written:

Predictably, lol, I’m gonna say the Jar-Jar Binks/Gungan stuff from TPM. The whole underwater kingdom concept was cool, but it just felt like it took up way too much screentime. I wouldn’t have minded if it was just more of a background thing, or if it was of lesser importance. They’re just a huge part of this film and then they’re virtually never brought up again (in the films) in any significant way, so all of that just feels so moot and unnecessary, like it was just a run time filler. The political plot, although somewhat frustrating, does prove relevant to the story later on so I’m cool with it. I don’t think I hated any storyline really. TFA was a disappointment for me in that it felt a little too familiar and I really wished they would’ve taken more risks and tried to pave their own path as opposed to recycling elements (I mean, ANOTHER Death Star? Sorry, Starkiller Base. Really? And the Empire’s defeated but like, merely a few years later they’re back and crushing the rebellion again? Sorry no, that’s…It’s the First Order now. Got it. Totally different. My bad.) from the originals just to please the hardcore fans, but luckily TLJ assuaged most of that frustration. I can only hope the mood for IX is closer to TLJ than TFA because that would be regression and honestly just a huge insult to the saga.

my first thoughts on the show films:

I think I just loved them straight away, lol. I must’ve been…five at most when I first watched them—well, the originals and I and II, they were the only ones that were out at the time—on the good old VHS with my dad because he was/is a huge fan and he got me into it. Obviously the more nuanced stuff flew over my head as a small kid and certain things only really clicked when I rewatched them years later, but the love was there. 

my thoughts now:

I still love it, though my love tends to come in sporadic bursts now as opposed to being linear all the time. Like, I can just push it to the back of my mind for a year/two/three but then something like Rogue One comes out and reminds me just how much I love that world. I ride the high for a few months, read fic, etc. and then the hype tapers off and plateaus for a while. Nothing for another few months/a year, new movie, and wham, I’m sucked back in. 

I try to stay in my own little corner though and not get too involved in fandom because the drama is just nasty and can really suck the enjoyment out of, well, everything really. For a long time I guess I just wasn’t aware of how nasty the SW fandom was—aside from the group that hates on the prequels for the sake of hating the prequels because it’s what the cool kids do or whatever—probably because I didn’t actively go looking for this type of stuff. But then TFA came out and it kind of erupted like a volcano that’s been…somewhat dormant since III in 2005. Still, I stayed away from it for the most part, only hearing stories of hate in passing, and never really engaged until after TLJ, when it became a little “safer” for the Reylos to emerge. Before that it was two years of hell and name-calling and threats and verbal abuse and general fandom wank, to my knowledge. And that’s fucked up. No one should have to endure that, not in any fandom. Stuff like that just pisses me off so much. But I’m sure you already know that.

[feisty-mary]

Reasons Why Marrying William Sloan Is the Best Decision of Your Life (Part 2)

Wow, Part 1 made me realize that there are more people who romanced Mr. Sloan than I originally thought! I just have to say, congratulations on your good taste in men. ;)

To those who have expressed interest in replaying the books to choose this sexy businessman, DO IT! YOU WON’T REGRET IT. Mr. Sloan is a total sweetheart who will sweep you off your feet and raise your expectations of partners so high it’s practically a crime.

Notes.

- From this point on I’ll refer to the businessman as Mr. Sloan, as he is more familiarly known.

- Read Part 1 before proceeding with this part. They both cover the first book, and most points are interconnected.

—————————————————————————

4.      Book 1, Chapter 3. During their date in Venice, Mr. Sloan takes MC to Ristorante Oliviero for the best Italian food in the city. Without asking MC, he orders for her.

MC readily calls him out on it. “excuse u?? I can speak for myself and vote and own land and open a checking account? why are you bossing me around like I wanna choke on your dick??? oh wait”

Mr. Sloan is unfazed, although he tells MC to trust him in this particular instance. We let it go begrudgingly, although to be fair, the food he orders turns out to be amazing. 

You have to admit, this kind of behavior on your first date raises a lot of red flags. Who wants to be in a relationship with a guy who decides for you without your permission? 

To make sense of this, we fast forward to Book 1, Chapter 11, where something similar happens. Here Mr. Sloan returns to the cruise ship for his second date with MC. Honestly at this point I’m not even complaining because he flies back to her as soon as he can just to take her to Paris for a date?? 

Admittedly, he surprises her under the assumption that MC will readily agree/has nothing planned for the rest of the day herself. (Although, to be fair, surprises do have a way of ruining your own plans. That’s kind of the point!)

Here we’re given the option to tell him that he can’t expect us to leave for the Paris trip at a moment’s notice. A good option, too, since we’re trying to be as lowkey thirsty as possible we get to remind him that respect for each other’s time is kind of a thing. Besides, if you’re going to start a relationship with someone you might as well establish a list of acceptable and unacceptable bullshit between the two of you early on, right?

When MC calls him out, his reaction is surprising; he looks positively contrite. The panels above show him acknowledging his mistake, his tone completely different from when we first call him out in Book 1, Chapter 3. What’s more, he inadvertently reveals that he’s been listening to MC, after all, particularly about that advice to “let loose”. We don’t see him dance until Book 1, Chapter 18 (refer to reason 3 in Part 1), but it is clear even at this point how he’s making an attempt to match MC’s adventurousness and spend more time with her.

Just to put that in perspective, it’s useful to remember that he’s a CEO. In that particular line of work there is very little room for anything messes with plans, blueprints, and established timelines. That he is willing to make time for MC despite his busy schedule (because those meetings were probably scheduled months in advance and rescheduling them would be hell) says something about how much he must really consider being with her as his priority.

What I really want to underscore is how these separate chapters show us Mr. Sloan’s learning curve when it comes to romancing MC - and it’s clear he learns pretty darn fast. I had misgivings about his reaction to us calling him out on his take-charge attitude in Book 1, Chapter 3 but I like how it seems to have been deliberately written that way so we can see how he learns from it several chapters later.

He gets even better at it by the time we reach Book 2, Chapter 16, the night when he proposes to MC for the second time. He surprises her when he shows up at Nomade, and what do you know, this time he directly asks if she has plans for the evening before inviting her to Casablanca.

Did you see that? Yes, that’s character development.

5.      Because Mr. Sloan is simply the best kind of life partner anyone can possibly ask for. Book 1 Chapter 18 reveals a lot about what we can expect from him as MC’s husband. As I’ve pointed out in reason 1 of Part 1, one of the things I really like about him is his foresight and how it always comes into play even in his relationship with MC, consistent with his work as an investor. He’s always thinking long term.

One of the ways the conversation with Mr. Sloan in this chapter is so distinctively him is that he doesn’t talk much about feelings anymore. That’s not to say he doesn’t reiterate them, because he does, at least in the beginning. But they don’t take up most of the things that’s said between him and MC.

What do they talk about, though? Well, they talk about important questions in relationships, like where they will live in the future and what MC thinks of having kids (in fact, this surprises MC herself, as shown in the panels below). Perhaps not everyone will agree with me on this, but the way I see it is that this man is already absolutely certain of what he feels for MC. As far as he’s concerned, the dating phase is done, which is why he’s already set that aside and moved on to the next one: planning their future together. Whatever MC’s misgivings might be, it’s clear at this point that Mr. Sloan has given their relationship some pretty serious consideration.

It’s also worth noting that when MC asks him what he thinks their future will look like, he tells her that she can tell him what she wants and he will just make them come true. 

In Book 2, Chapter 8, he even goes as far as asking her, “hypothetically speaking”, where his next vacation house should be located. 

Going back to reason 4 above makes it easier to see how Mr. Sloan’s character develops - he changes from someone who will make MC’s dietary choices for her to someone who looks at her as a partner with whom he can plan a future life together. It’s these small things, these subtle changes in his words and actions that tell us he’s been paying attention and learning from his interaction with MC. That perhaps their time together has actually changed him, and as cliche as it sounds, maybe even changed him for the better. 

6.      Mr. Sloan owns a winery. That’s literally it; who the hell turns down someone who owns a goddamn winery? Oh, and by the way? He names a bottle of wine after MC.

7.      Because he knows his priorities, and it’s MC above anything else. In Book 2, Chapter 9, Rashad, Mr. Sloan’s very own best friend, warns MC that there’s a very big price to pay in being in a relationship with a CEO. 

As hostile as Rashad delivers his warning, he makes a very valid point. Book 2, Chapter 9 perfectly underscores this when MC asks Mr. Sloan to go back to bed with her but he sadly turns her down, telling her he has to prepare for another business trip.

Before the chapter draws to a close, MC considers this silently, wondering if Rashad is right for warning her after all.

Surprisingly enough, in Book 2, Chapter 17, we see Mr. Sloan bite the bullet and very openly discuss Rashad’s thoughts on his relationship with MC. 

I admit I did not see this coming; I thought it would be one of the things they’d conveniently overlook to give some sort of disadvantage to a potential relationship with Mr. Sloan. I mean, at least give the other suitors a fighting chance, Mr. Sloan?? lmao~

True to his nature as a businessman who most likely considers all angles of a particular negotiation before proceeding, Mr. Sloan talks to MC about his work-life balance and asks her what she thinks of it. 

We try to be subtle about it, but suddenly Mr. Sloan says these magic words: “Consider it gone.”

Even MC does a double-take. Because… well, he can’t do that! He can’t just set aside his businesses for MC! Excuse me?? That’s like… totally sweet and romantic I cannot believe?????

I swear I didn’t cry. Maybe.

8.      Because his proposals are so on point! Mr. Sloan proposed twice to my MC Alyanna because I’ve been loyal to him since the first book hahaha. Let me just spend some time on these proposals because they’re both beautiful and so well-thought-out.

Book 1, Chapter 19. First proposal.

I didn’t realize this until I was almost done with this list, but all the points I’ve listed up until now are mentioned and/or alluded to in his marriage proposal. I don’t want to gloat (who am I kidding, I totally do), but I can say with 100% confidence that our businessman’s first marriage proposal is the best of them all. 

For example, he gather’s MC’s family members to witness the whole thing. One of the key themes in Rules of Engagement is family, and the first book does a good job at letting us see the strong bond between the four siblings. This being said, I thought it was very smart and thoughtful of Mr. Sloan to call them to witness what is arguably one of the most significant moments in MC’s life. It appears he knows what’s important to MC and he considers them important to him, too.

He also talks about how being with her has changed him, particularly about him dancing, as I’ve discussed in Part 1. In the left panel below, he mentions how MC makes him laugh, but also that she calls him out, unlike other people who appear to be intimidated by “Mr. Sloan from magazines”. I found this to be a nice touch; it gives the feeling that we’ve gone full circle and the time spent with him really helped build up their relationship.

The (intended?) symbolism is a nice, touch, too - Mr. Sloan proposes in the same place where he first met MC. If we go back to Book 1, Chapter 2, his very own words on the night they meet is “I’m not proposing that we get engaged. I just want to take you out for a romantic night. No strings attached.” Funny how he comes to propose many chapters later, at the very same restaurant and to the very same woman whom he once said those words to.

This is equal parts adorable and amusing.

In the left panel above, Mr. Sloan recalls the unfortunate (but absolutely hilarious) mix-up during his date with MC in Paris. It’s funny because you can tell he’s been thinking about that little mishap since it happened, and yes, his thoughts all along must have been, “Holy shit that was very embarrassing I swear I will never do that in my life.”

And yet here he is, several weeks (?) later, proposing in front of MC’s family and friends and possibly other people from the cruise. And you know what? He does it anyway. He braves his embarrassment and his discomfort anyway, because he’s decided that it’s okay, because it makes him the happiest, too.

It’s also interesting how he says, “Now, I’d like to put myself out here on a limb for once.” If we want to be very technical about it, “putting someone out on a limb” means “being in a dangerous position” or “doing something risky”. Well, okay, you say. Proposing is inherently risky, isn’t it, because there’s always a chance you’ll get turned down? Mr. Sloan is just acknowledging that fact.

Except, you have to remember he’s a businessman. Taking risks is literally what he does for a living. And if his wealth is any indication, he’s a very successful risk-taker. I actually interpret this as a very subtle way of him telling us how compared to closing business deals, he considers proposing to MC as probably one of the riskiest things he has ever done in his life hahaha.

Book 2, Chapter 17. Second proposal.

I was kidding; of course both of Mr. Sloan’s proposals to MC are better than the others! ;) If anything, his proposal in the Sahara is even better than his first one, because not only does he mention the moments they share together, he also mentions the times they don’t - and how even those form part of the reasons why he wants to spend the rest of his life with MC.

The four panels above show just how much MC has changed him, and I adore it.

But, of course, just to be fair to Mr. Sloan, we tell him this isn’t necessary. My MC isn’t here to impose anything on him, so she tells him he doesn’t have to change for her. He gives what is arguably the best response, as shown in the panels below.

Thank you, Mr. Sloan, for wanting to be that person who will dance with me in my lame black dress in a piazza in Venice. *wipes tears*

The rest of his proposal is absolutely magic, just like how he sees MC in his life.

I told myself I would let the panels above speak for themselves but ohmygod can we just acknowledge how much punch they pack because you can definitely tell that Mr. Sloan is speaking from the heart. This is exactly their love story. It’s a simple tale of two people finding someone whom they can dance in a piazza with, whom they constantly think about even when they’re far apart, and whom they’ll willingly make sacrifices for, because they put them as priority above all others.

It’s not all that complicated, but then again whoever said the best love stories need to be? ;)

BONUS!

9.     This isn’t exactly a reason but I just wanted to add that Mr. Sloan planned the second proposal for weeks! Planning is his thing, okay, he’s good at that and he has plenty of money to show for it lmao. Here’s his hella cute reaction when we point this out (MC: “You’ve been planning this for weeks?”).

Dear @ god just please let me marry him already??

Also hey isn’t it funny that Mr. Sloan proposed to us in the Sahara? ahahahaha was our thirst that obvious?????

—————————————————————————

Okay, that’s it, folks! This took a while but I hope you enjoyed this because I did! Thanks for reading and please don’t hesitate to shoot me a holler if you wanna squeal about Mr. Sloan! ;)

[progressivemillennial]

The Mirror Game, Or, I Don’t Blame You

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most to blame of all?

I had scrapped writing this essay thrice since I first sat down to write it in December because I foolishly continued to think we’d been done talking about who to blame for Hillary Clinton’s loss.  So here we are: people are still having conversations on social media about this subject, the media still writes and talks about it, and Congress still yacks about it.  We have Congressional hearings all about Russia and a special counsel, Robert Mueller, investigating multiple aspects of the election and Donald Trump’s business ties to Russia.  I’m sure you still see these fights or conversations happening from time to time.  This is the conversation that never ends, and for a critical reason: we still find ourselves forming the narrative of the 2016 American Presidential Election.  Whoever “wins” at forming the narrative will for the foreseeable future dictate how we discuss the 2016 election.  For example, when you think about the 2000 election, ask yourself why Al Gore lost.  Who or what comes to mind first? Ralph Nader, perhaps?  If so, that’s not a coincidence.

As we begin, I have a small favor to humbly ask: go find a mirror. Look straight into your reflected eyes.  Raise either of your hands and point your index finger towards your image in the mirror.  Finally, capture this image in your mind’s eye and hold it in your memory for later.  Good?  Thank you!  I appreciate you playing along.  The conclusion to the game will be revealed later. The idea of scapegoating especially fascinated me towards the end of this election, before which I contended satirically that a whole host of people and entities would be scapegoated if Hillary Clinton, the inevitable candidate, lost. 

Popular Scapegoats From the Last Nine Months

1. Bernie Sanders: I admittedly was naive enough to think that Bernie would avoid blame since he campaigned for Hillary upon his defeat in the primary.  Wrong!  Don Lemon of CNN argued that Bernie Sanders and his supporters “in the beginning, before” damaged Hillary Clinton, enough for her to lose.  This kind of logic suggests that no one should have run against Hillary Clinton; although, to many Americans, this kind of coronation process does not seem democratic.

2. Gary Johnson and Jill Stein: MSNBC made it pretty clear that if third party voters had voted for Hillary Clinton, she would have won the presidency. Rachel Maddow later tweeted that if certain percentages of Stein and Johnson supporters had voted for Clinton in key states, Clinton would have won.  As we found in 2000, third party candidates make for easy, simple scapegoats.  So do their supporters.

3. Jim Comey: The Director of the FBI has been loved and hated by Democrats over the past year.  When he announced that the FBI would not recommend charges against Clinton, Democrats were ecstatic.  Tim Kaine, Clinton’s running mate, called him “a wonderful and tough career public servant.”  After his own “October surprise,” Comey drew the ire from most Democrats and would probably top the list of scapegoats had it not been for the Russian interference scandal that continues to this day.

4. The Media: Clinton aides thought that, in addition to Comey, the media was most to blame for the loss.  Clinton supporters even now can be seen referencing “her emails” as a reference to the media’s coverage of the email and server scandal.  President Obama in December said that the media was more to blame than Russia for Clinton’s loss.  Neither Clinton nor Trump nor Sanders supporters thought the media gave their candidate a fair shake.  The media also gave Trump billions of dollars of free media.  The media is an easy fall guy.

5. Fake News and Facebook: Facebook took a lot of heat originally for hosting fake news on its site before the election.  While the accusations against Facebook specifically have faded quite a bit, the term fake news unfortunately lives on, and it has been co-opted by Donald Trump.  The narrative of fake news impacting the election results took off so quickly that Stanford University released a study on January 18 on fake news and social media.

6. White People: White people were far more likely to vote for Trump than people of color, and I say white people because the majority of white women joined the majority of white men in voting for Trump.  This is not surprising since Donald Trump appealed mainly to white people.  What do you have to lose, it turns out, did not resonate with voters of color. 

7. Millennials: Younger voters took a Clinton win for granted, so more voted for third parties.  They didn’t show up for her the way they did for Obama.  They were bitter about Bernie and couldn’t let go.  They didn’t vote at all because they couldn’t vote for the lesser of two evils.  Bernie was too harsh on Clinton, so millennials couldn’t vote for her.  The supposedly idealistic and naive millennials have been blamed quite a bit for Trump.

8. Sexism and Racism: It would seem pretty silly to argue that sexism didn’t have anything to do with the outcome of the election, although the opinion column cited here makes such an attempt.  The column appeared in The Hill and was written, no less, by a woman.  Regardless, many wrote and continue to write about sexism and misogyny and its role in the election.  As for racism, you can likely recall Van Jones declaring the election a whitelash back in November on CNN.  I mean, I’m not saying he’s wrong, but I am saying we had a black president for not-one-but-two-terms, so there are limits to this argument.

9. Wikileaks: Wikileaks revealed a number of inconvenient truths about the Democratic Party and Hillary Clinton: that Donna Brazile on at least a few occasions gave questions in advance to the Hillary camp for upcoming engagements with Bernie Sanders, that the DNC clearly favored Hillary Clinton over other candidates including Bernie Sanders, Clinton’s dreams of open borders and free trade throughout the western hemisphere, Clinton having divergent public and private positions on issues, and more.  The information contained in these emails likely hurt her campaign and the Democratic Party.

10. Russia: The Google News search Russia election interference returns 278,000 results. The Google News search for Putin american election returns  5,280,000 results.  The Google News search Trump Russia investigation returns 8,130,000 results.  Needless to say, much has been written on the subject.  The FBI, CIA, NSA, and the Office of the DNI assessed with confidence that Russia attempted to influence the American election in favor of Donald Trump, which doesn’t sound like an unreasonable assessment at all.

11. People Who Didn’t Vote:  Only 58% of eligible Americans voted in 2016. While it’s a bit arrogant to argue that had everyone voted, Hillary Clinton would have won, we should be careful not to blame literally everyone who didn’t vote for Donald Trump.  Some voters experienced issues getting to their voting place because the polling location is located inconveniently or due to a lack of transportation.  And voter suppression laws continue to successfully suppress the vote, particularly in minority communities. 

12. The Electoral College: In case you somehow missed it--and I’m not sure how one would achieve that feat even living under the world’s biggest rock--Hillary Clinton won more votes across the United States than Donald Trump.  In an alternate universe where the electoral college doesn’t exist, we cannot know who would have won a popular vote because both campaigns’ strategies would have been different.  But in this universe, big cities like Los Angeles and Chicago delivered Hillary Clinton a significant lead in total votes over Trump.

None of These Reasons Is Inherently Wrong

The beautiful thing about the 2016 election is that all of the reasons above could reasonably be argued for as a reason why Donald Trump won because the margins by which Hillary Clinton lost were so thin.  You don’t even need to try to quantify their effect; instead, you can simply think that if a sliver of white people are racist enough to vote against Clinton, that could swing the vote in Michigan or Wisconsin or Pennsylvania to Donald Trump.  Because more than a sliver of white people are racist, who could reasonably argue with you?

There are some individuals, groups, and causes that have mostly managed to escape the spotlight when it comes to the blame game, but the truth is: nearly everyone is responsible for the mess we’re in. 

The Democratic National Committee: Even Hillary Clinton blamed the DNC.  As she put it, “I mean, it was bankrupt. It was on the verge of insolvency. Its data was mediocre to poor, nonexistent, wrong. ...  I had to inject money into it."  Maybe the DNC supported Clinton in the primary not because of her ideology or ability to win but because of her wealth.  And to be clear about supporting Clinton in the primary: when John Podesta was encouraged to ground Bernie “to a pulp” during the primary, he replied, “I agree with that in principle. Where would you stick the knife in?”  Most importantly, the DNC wanted to elevate candidates like Donald Trump.  They thought it was advantageous for Hillary to go up against one of them.  They got what they wanted, and they were wrong.

Superdelegates: Like it or not, superdelegates had a choice at the Democratic National Convention: they could vote for Hillary Clinton, who won the most votes in the primary but who was already unpopular and an establishment candidate in a change election, or they could vote for Bernie Sanders, who lost the primary but also was and is very popular and had a populist message that could have been effective against Donald Trump’s.  Polls at the time showed that he ran more strongly against Trump.  Superdelegates chose to vote for Clinton.  Perhaps they voted for the wrong candidate.   To be completely fair, I am not saying that Bernie would have certainly won.  We don’t know that, obviously, because we can’t prove a counterfactual. 

Winning After a Two Term President: Gore couldn’t do it, McCain couldn’t do it, Clinton couldn’t do it.  Since 1948, only Harry Truman and George H.W. Bush won the election after eight or more years of a presidency within their party, and Truman.  It’s very challenging for a candidate to win after their party’s president held the office for two previous terms, and there’s no shame in that.

Hillary Clinton and Her Campaign: Hillary Clinton did not run a perfect campaign, and she was not a great candidate.  John Podesta, her Campaign Manager, understood this, saying “we've taken on a lot of water that won't be easy to pump out of the boat. Most of that has to do with terrible decisions made pre-campaign, but a lot has to do with her instincts.”  She could have chosen a more progressive Vice President to woo skeptical voters on the left.  She could have not voted for the Iraq War, or pushed for war in Libya, or voted for the Patriot Act, or its reauthorization.  She could have not run with the “America’s already great” rhetoric when so many Americans are unhappy with the country and its politicians.  She neglected the Rust Belt.  Her ads lacked substance and policy, which were her strength.  Hillary is responsible, too.  But that’s not all.

One of the election’s greatest myths is the most common: that if you voted for Clinton, you could wash your hands clean and blame everyone else in righteous indignation. 

If, to you, Trump is Hitler, if he will bring about the apocalypse, if he will take away minority rights, tear down democracy, implement a fascist state, enable anti-semites, and all you did was vote for Hillary, then your bare minimal democratic participation does not match the level of urgency that the Trump presidency should evoke in you.  There’s a gap between your rhetoric and your actions.  You could have been calling voters, canvassing, marching before marching was fashionable, writing your local newspaper, participating in civil disobedience, and more.  Maybe not all of the above: everyone has different levels of time to commit to a cause and not everyone can afford to commit civil disobedience, but the end of America and the end of the world sounds like a reasonable cause to make time for, no?  Maybe you’re “less to blame.”  Good for you.  Trump is still the president.

And so, if you feel the need to blame others for the outcome of the election, recall the mirror game that we played at the outset of this piece.  Remember the image of you, looking squarely into your own eyes, pointing at yourself.  The next time you want to blame someone else for the election’s outcome, remember that image.  Unless you were a full time volunteer getting the vote out for Hillary--which is extremely unlikely based on probability, you are responsible, whether you are happy, unhappy or indifferent to the results.  Own it.

Insert quote here about age-old advice regarding what happens when one points finger in direction of others...

And know that I’m not pointing the finger at you.  Read the title again.  Who am I to point a finger?  I did very little to get Clinton elected.  In fact, I’ve basically been told that I enabled a Trump presidency, and that my conscience will have to deal with that.  But I absolutely am speaking to you.  We have hard work ahead of us.  

Self righteously pointing the finger at others may be easy and cathartic and require little thought, but it’s much more challenging to hold the Democratic Party responsible, to reflect on what more we could have done in the run-up to the election, to change, to get more involved, to change our behavior.

Peace and love, Tom President and Founder of Team Scapegoat

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

@whatrparks asked for an update on accidental relationship and pining. Here’s the pining update and I’ll probably do the accidental relationship one tomorrow! - Anastasia

Daddy Dearest by StilinskiSexual (CurlyLahey)

(1/? I 186 I Explicit I Sterek)

Derek Hale is a strong, independent dad who don't need no man.

Then why does he fantasize about bending his son's new kindergarten teacher over his desk, and wants to cook him dinner?

Or

Derek Hale is a single dad to baby Isaac and baby Liam and swears he doesn't need anyone else, that is until he meets the most handsome man he's ever seen with eyes that feel like home. No, he hasn't been reading Erica's Romance novels.

won't sleep by triggeringthehealing (froggydarren)

(1/1 I 303 I General I Sterek)

He doesn’t sleep because on those nights, he doesn’t want to. Because on those nights, he finds a spot where he can see the sky, where he can keep his eyes on the bright circle in the darkness around it.

Pretty, Pale (and Mine) by OverMyFreckledBody

(1/1 I 591 I Mature I Jennifer/Kali)

From the first time Kali has set eyes on Julia, she's known, wanted.

Julia's got pale, perfect skin. Kali wants to mark it.

Real Life, Love by QuickLikeLight

(1/1 I 829 I General I Scott/Lydia)

The sound of Lydia’s key in the lock makes him breathe a small sigh of relief. Lydia’s home. She’ll know what to do.

Nonsexual Favors by 42hrb

(1/1 I 851 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek gets a text from Stiles in the middle of the night asking for help. He'll always help Stiles.

The Twenty Dollar Date by Lacrosse_CandyCorn_Puns

(1/1 I 904 I General I Sterek)

Derek pines, Stiles pines, and Finstock just wants the cafeteria to stop serving those god awful fish tacos. Is that too much to ask?!

The Line by inatshej

(1/1 I 931 I Explicit I Sterek)

They spend the whole hour discussing the topic. Both leave with the list of the books to read. The line between them, so clear before – Derek is a TA, Stiles is a student – becomes blurry.

Strawberries and Lemonade by mikkimouse

(1/1 I 992 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles had volunteered to help Derek out with the garden out at the pack house this summer, though also admittedly, he’d done so because he was nursing the most unrequited of unrequited crushes. Spending all summer staring at Derek’s well-muscled back and ass seemed like both the best and worst idea in the world at the same time, and Stiles had absolutely zero sense of self-preservation.

That's Just My Face Stiles by 42hrb

(1/1 I 1,040 I Teen I Sterek)

After Scott manages to break all the centerpieces for Lydia and Jackson's wedding Stiles and Derek are stuck together making new ones. 

meat cute by bleep0bleep

(1/1 I 1,046 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles sees it when he’s grocery shopping, the display hardly touched, people opting for the cheaper, non-heart shaped packages of steak. He gets it, he really does, after all, what’s the point of buying specially packaged meats for your significant other if you’re just gonna take the thing out of the box and cook it, anyways?

But if you had a werewolf sweetheart, this would be awesome, right?

Stiles snaps a photo and sends it to Kira, asking if she’s got a present for Scott yet. She texts him back a second later with, aw thanks i already got him a present when i went xmas shopping tho

And then: u should give it to ur werewolf ;)

Stiles stares at his phone, because he doesn’t have a werewolf. Well, technically he has a crush on a werewolf, but that doesn’t really count.

He buys the steak anyways.

Derek's bad luck? by Lonelyirises

(2/2 I 1,401 I General I Sterek)

For a few seconds he couldn’t believe his eyes, when he saw the mole speckled specimen of beauty was standing a few feet away from him, in process of moving heavy looking boxes in to the next house. And the second Derek got over the disbelief he realized his whole world had come crashing down. Why did the universe hate him so much?

Derek had left the his hometown, unable to deal with the heartache and moved to this “nowhere” town about 3 hours away from Beacon Hills, the day Stiles had married Lydia. What was more pathetic? Stiles had no idea Derek existed. And yet… and yet after everything Derek had gone through, and left behind, Stiles was moving in, right next door to him. Derek couldn’t believe his bad luck.

Under Development by dr_girlfriend

(1/? I 1,411 I Teen I Sterek)

Environmental lawyer Derek Hale is determined to stop the planned defacement of his beloved Beacon Hills Preserve by the mammoth Starr Development company. To do so, he makes a deal with the devil himself — Stiles Starr, the brash young scion of the Starr family and COO of Starr Development. Derek hates Stiles at first sight. Mieczysław Stilinski, on the other hand, is someone that Derek could grow to like...or even love.

Praise Jesus for Stiles Stilinki's Hot Bod by TheChosenOneIamNot

(2/? I 1,508 I Mature I Sterek)

Derek and Stiles have been officially dating for six months now and everything is going great, except for one small thing. He's never seen Stiles shirtless despite many heated makeout sessions that end in one or both having to change their pants. Obviously this must be due to Stiles lack of self esteem and must be remedied immediately. With the packs help, hopefully Derek will be able to get into Stiles pants (and shirt) before he dies of sexual frustration.

I Want You to Show Me by hazelNuts

(1/1 I 1,510 I General I Sterek)

Stiles slides out of his car and softly closes the door, wincing when the hinges groan. He trails behind Derek as they walk to his house, close enough that he can intervene if necessary, but far enough away that he knows he won’t wake Derek up. When they arrive at his place, he sits on the porch steps, pulls out his phone, and waits.

Pizza with a Side of Panic by SnazzyJazzyH

(1/1 I 1,767 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles hates pizza but that sure doesn't stop him from ordering pizza from Hale of a Pizza. Although the hot delivery guy probably had something to do with it.

Last Call by Inell

(1/1 I 1,822 I Teen I Stiles/Danny/Jackson)

Stiles decides to drown his sorrows but the bar owners aren’t cooperating with his plan.

Girl Crushed by ExpectroPatronum74

(1/1 I 2,111 I Mature I Sterek)

Derek is in love with Stiles and has been for months, but he has a problem. Stiles is dating Malia and Derek's chances are not looking too good.

Haven't you heard the rumours? by fairyfey

(1/1 I 2,162 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles is a drama teacher who tends to overshare, Derek is a nerdy english teacher who somehow makes cardigans sexy and the students think they should be together.

or

We’re both high school teachers and my students ship us but I won’t let them tell you au

Eating habits by SourwolfZiam

(1/1 I 2,355 I Mature I Sterek)

"Have you ever eaten your own barf? "Stiles"

Or, Stiles and Derek get their shit together.

starry eyed and nerdified by haleofStilesheart

(1/1 I 2,392 I General I Sterek)

For the past two weeks Stiles has been leaving Derek anonymous love notes. Derek finally guesses who his secret admirer is.

quoting Rhett Butler by haleofStilesheart

(1/1 I 2,445 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles has a bad habit of dating complete assholes. Good thing Derek's there to knock some sense into him.

what in carnation? by haleofStilesheart

(1/1 I 2,985 I General I Sterek)

Deliveryman wasn't exactly Derek's dream job but it helped put him through school so he couldn't complain. Especially since it helped him meet the love of his life.

I Fell in Love with My Best Friend (2.0) by DerekHaleGirl97

(1/1 I 3,515 I Not Rated I Sterek)

Now I realize you are the only one It's never too late to show it. Grow old together, Have feelings we had before Back when we were so innocent

I pray for all your love Girl, our love is so unreal I just wanna reach and touch you, squeeze you, somebody pinch me (I must be dreaming) This is something like a movie And I don't know how it ends, girl But I fell in love with my best friend...

Grand Jeté by thekissballad (kkpsigirl)

(1/1 I 3,753 I General I Sterek)

“I don't mean to be rude, Dad,” she said toward Stiles before turning back to Derek, “but as you saw, Mr. Hale, he's not the most graceful person.”

Stiles snorted, turned red and covered his face while his daughter continued. “I don't want him to perform a grand jeté and hurt himself. He needs to be able to catch all the bad guys. So...” she trailed off, looking between both men.

Code Sea Witch by ANTchan

(1/1 I 4,975 I General I Sterek)

At Lydia Martin’s Nereid Crown they have a code: “Somebody asked for the Sea Witch.”

Recipe for the heart. by skyblue993

(3/5 I 5,018 I Teen I Sterek)

It's the last year of high school and Stiles is ready to leave everything behind but there's only one thing he wants to do before leaving for college; Conquer Derek's heart.

To Move On is to Grow by WhisperedWords12

(1/1 I 5,886 I Explicit I Stiles/Everyone)

Stiles decided to put on the collar that marked him as a sub for public use at 16. By law, it was the youngest he is allowed to, and was the only one in his year to do so. It's when Scott gets bitten and Derek comes into town that everything changes.

What You Need by dragon_temeraire

(1/1 I 6,230 I Explicit I Sterek)

Derek is an alpha with unusual desires. 

Shadows We Make by Alwaysdreaming95

(3/? I 8,728 I Teen I Sterek)

After Defeating the Nogistune Stiles twin, Jada, ends up coming back to Beacon Hills after living in Ireland. The only problem in this family reunion is abondoment and the trouble that follows her home. She tries to deal with her past traumas and her nightmares. This is a story that follows Jada in her journey to deal with the alpha and his pack that wants her dea and her new... old life in Beacon Hills.

Sevens and Eights by calrissian18

(1/1 I 10,092 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles has a bandage slung under his chin like a disembodied helmet strap when Derek first meets him. It’s complemented by a chipped front tooth and a scrape of road rash across his cheek.

Mischief and a SourWolf by LoneWolf1993

(6/? I 12,520 I Not Rated I Sterek I MCD)

It's been four months since Derek left Beacon Hills and has began to settle into his new life. Until he gets a message from the life he left that has him coming back to the reason he left in the first place.

Easy, Cheesy by crookedcig

(6/? I 18,881 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek sets his kitchen on fire (a little bit). Stiles is a firefighter called to the scene. Derek communicates his anger with eyebrows alone, and Stiles falls in lust. Slowly, they both fall in more than that.

aka what happens when I try to write how their lives would be different if Laura had refused to ever go back to California.

I like to be called cupcake, too. by ellsaba (laceydean)

(16/? I 18,855 I Teen I Sterek)

It look a long time to come up with a name for the bakery.

Or, it took a long time for Stiles to accept that “no, we’re not going to call it Stilinski’s Bakeski’s, what is wrong with you, it’s not even your business”. Which, yeah, wasn’t one of his greater ideas, but it was one of his ideas. Plural.

Unbreakable by rufferto, SlasherFiend

(3/? I 42,478 I Explicit I Petopher)

After a particularly unsettling week alone in the house he used to share with the wife he loved, Chris has had a little bit too much to drink. Normally he can deal with pain and feelings. Normally he can sort everything out and soldier forward. When he is at the end of his rope there is something that he needs to do and someone who can help him if he chooses to. So he leaves himself open practically inviting the Werewolf to come kill him. But it’s not a fight he wants. A little more than ten years ago he had an affair with Peter Hale. At that time period, he’d needed someone, something to pull him out of the path he was on before it was too late. Before he became Gerard. Peter had been that person. Peter had been the only one to get through to him, make him talk. Peter was the reason Allison didn’t get trained at a young age. Chris handled the ending of it badly. He’d hurt Peter who had fallen in love with him. In spite of being in love, he’d chosen his family. Now he needs that again, he’s falling into that pit and only one man can pull him out of it, if he chooses to.

[sophiebot-blog1]

Red

Cross-posted from AO3

[Original] [Alt ending]

Summary:

The first time someone tells you that they love you, the words are written on your skin. Gold for platonic love, red for romantic. Of course, people don't often say 'I love you' directly, but Tony in particular tends to give really strange marks.

A lot of people had unusual words from Tony Stark, and Bucky wasn't sure why he wasn't one of them.

The first time he saw Steve’s the two of them were in the kitchen. Calling it ‘the’ kitchen was probably a misnomer - there were lots of kitchens in Avengers Tower, but in the two weeks since he had arrived at the Manhattan skyscraper he hadn’t left Steve’s apartment so, for now, Steve’s kitchen was the kitchen.

Steve was frying eggs on the stove while Bucky watched from his spot leaning against a wall. He noticed the words then, tucked into the crook of Steve’s right elbow. Those are new, he thought. It was hard sometimes, sorting out which memories were real, especially the ones from his previous life that Hydra had tried so hard to erase, but he was pretty confident that Steve hadn’t had that particular set of words when he knew him before.

He leaned over to peer at the mark more closely. “Hey…Capsicle?”

Steve turned to look at him, smiling, as he always did when Bucky managed to say anything more than a curt ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but also a bit confused. “What did you say, Buck?

Bucky grunted and gestured at Steve’s arm; talking was still hard, and anyways Steve usually knew what he meant. Steve looked at where Bucky was pointing and laughed. “Oh hah yeah, that’s from Tony, he gives strange ones. Honestly it could be a lot worse, just ask Natasha sometime.”

Bucky nodded and went back to leaning against the wall. Steve resumed his cooking, but a hand came up to rub at his shoulder briefly. Bucky frowned, knowing that used to be his spot, where the golden words he spoke as a child sat. They faded sometime while Steve was in the ice, while Bucky was being turned into a different person entirely. Bucky rubbed at the spot on his chest where Steve’s ‘I’m here for you, Buck’ had appeared just a few days earlier. He wasn’t ready to give Steve new words yet, but having his mark made it a little easier to think he would be some day.

(Keep reading link warning)

---

As the weeks went on he left his self-imposed exile and explored more of the tower, although he was still wary and tense more often than not. He had begun to interact with the other Avengers sometimes, which is how he wound up on this particular day sharing a training room with Natasha. She had offered to spar with him, but, no, he didn’t quite trust himself enough to do that yet. Thankfully, she accepted his ‘No, thanks’ without any pressure to discuss the issue. Bucky liked that about Natasha. He liked a lot of things about Natasha actually, including the way she had shrugged off his apologies for shooting her.

“Avengers house rule number one,” she had stated, “it doesn’t count if you were brain washed.” He had thought her eyes had slid to Clint in that moment but if any of the, admittedly hazy, memories he kept getting were accurate then he had to wonder if she was talking about herself.

They had been doing their separate exercises for a half hour before he remembered the comment Steve had said about Natasha’s mark. It was another half hour before he managed to bring it up.

“Um…” On the other side of the room Natasha turned and looked at him expectantly. “Um…Steve said…you…he said to ask about your mark? From Stark? It’s….strange?” Natasha smirked and pulled up her shirt, exposing her stomach which was almost completely covered in writing. Bucky walked closer and examined the scrawling script.

 Look, you've got to stop hiding knives all over the place. I mean, trust me, I love it when you freak out our guests by seemingly pulling them out of thin air, but I keep finding them in our cereal boxes which can't be safe and why are you grinning like that?

By the he got to the end Bucky’s eyebrows were nearly to his hairline and Natasha’s smirk had continued to grow. “He talked for so long that I actually started to feel the words coming in before he had finished.” Marks forming always burned just a little bit. They also usually came in a few seconds after the speaker was done talking, but clearly that wasn’t always the case. After now having spent some time around Stark it didn’t surprise Bucky that he managed to leave such a lengthy mark.

“But how is that a love statement?” He knew that the marks rarely directly said ‘I love you,’ but this seemed more of an admonishment than anything else. “Tony’s complicated,” Natasha shrugged, pulling her shirt back down, “and we didn’t start off on the best foot. Who I was, what I did, it bothered him for a while. This was when he finally moved past that.” He was starting to get up the nerve to ask her about the other mark he could see, the little bit of red peeking out from her shorts, but apparently the conversation was over because Natasha was turning back to her workout. He really did like Natasha.

---

He still wasn’t sure that he should be cleared for shooting practice, but no one else seemed to share his worries, and Clint was pretty calm in the lane next to his. It was routine at this point, spending time with other residents of the tower. He hung out with Tony in his workshop, meditated with Bruce, and now apparently shot targets with Clint.

Clint’s arms were bare today, and Bucky could see several sets of marks littering his skin. It wasn’t that Clint normally wore sleeves or anything, but he did tend to be covered in bandages and tape, which meant that this was the first time all of his skin was on display. Bucky was able to pick out Natasha’s words, only because of their recent discussion about all of her marks. He was a little surprised at first that she had shared that with him, but she placed her words on his ankle not long after that so it was maybe less strange than he had first thought.

On Clint’s left forearm directly under Natasha’s golden mark was a red set of words. Clint hadn’t mentioned having anyone, and if he normally kept it wrapped up then it was probably not something Bucky should ask about; loved ones were weaknesses, and if Clint wanted to keep his private then that wasn’t something Bucky would mess with. There was another set of words, though, that Bucky was pretty sure he knew the owner of even without being told.

“Tony?” He said, reaching over and tapping at the archer’s bicep. Clint looked down and grinned, “Oh yeah, no idea how you were able to figure that out.” Sarcasm. Bucky was getting better at sarcasm. Part of the reason he had guessed it was Tony’s was because it was another reprimand like Natasha’s, but really who else would be saying something like that to Clint.

“I was repelling from the roof, trying to see if I could get past JARVIS that way, when Tony comes running out onto the balcony screaming, ‘Damn it birdbrain stop hanging off the side of my building!’” Clint chuckled as he traced the words. “When I got back inside I got a twenty minute lecture about not doing stupid shit and how he wasn’t going to scrape me off the sidewalk if I fell. Which, psh, like I don’t know how to climb a building, c’mon Stark, but I can appreciate that he was worried.”

“Is it weird having an insult on your arm?”

“What, birdbrain? That’s not really an insult, that’s just Tony, he’s snarky. Hey, Tony Snark!” He snorted at his own joke. “Ah sorry that was bad, but seriously, you should hear how he talks to people he doesn’t like. I think a lot of people assume they’re in that camp until they watch him absolutely destroy some douchebag with, like, two words. Nah, it was hard to figure out before the mark appeared, but birdbrain is a fucking term of endearment.”

That was…something, at least. Bucky had started to get worried the inventor didn’t actually want him around, just wasn’t cruel enough to kick him out of the workshop. According to Clint he’d most likely never hear any obvious confirmation of friendship, but it was a more significant sign that he hadn’t been outright rejected. He could work with that; Tony probably just took a while to warm up to people.

---

Bucky had been living in Avengers Tower for three months before he finally met Thor. The god arrived on the landing pad in a flash of light and a clap of thunder, striding into the team common area and announcing his presence with a booming voice as if anyone hadn’t noticed a crazy rainbow portal deposit an alien on their doorstep.

Everyone loved Thor, and it wasn’t hard to see why. He was easy to talk to, easy to listen to, fun to be around, just an overall enjoyable person. That was probably why it only took Bucky a few days to ask him about the words on his neckline. “’Make sure you visit next time you decide to slum it with us mere mortals.’ I’m guessing that’s from Tony?”

“Aye.” Thor nodded and smiled. “I was pleased to be given them so quickly, it was a good sign. Warriors should be able to build bonds easily with those they fight alongside.”

Bucky was frowning at this point, one of his earlier theories beginning to crumble. “Quickly?”

“Indeed. After bringing my brother home, I visited Midgard several times to see my Lady Jane. The Avengers were eventually called upon again, and once we had vanquished our foes Anthony gave me these words. Since then I have tried to be more balanced in my social visits, although I admit I am more frequently with Jane.”

He had thought that Tony just took a long time to accept people, but his mark on Thor essentially boiled down to the result of two interactions, really just a few days if he was remembering the battle stories correctly. It was possible though that it was just because it was Thor. Hell, Bucky was already half in love with him; the guy was just that approachable. It made sense really that he won respect and friendship so easily if he was supposed to be king of an alien realm someday and oh boy, that wasn’t something he had quite managed to wrap his head around yet. He let the conversation drop then. One person’s experience wasn’t enough to disprove his theory as to why he didn’t have Tony’s words yet.

---

He traipsed down the stairs to Bruce’s lab, punched in his code on the keypad and walked inside. Tony hadn’t been in his workshop, and this was the most likely other place he could be found. Bucky stepped easily around the stacks of books and tables with strange chemicals on them. He was more familiar with Tony’s workshop, but he had spent a fair amount of time in here watching the two ‘do science’ as Tony might say.

As he rounded the edge of a desk and reached Bruce, the man looked up from whatever he had been scribbling in his notebook. “Oh, hey Bucky, are you looking for Tony?”

“Yeah, have you seen him?”

“I think he said he was going to talk to Clint, something about new arrows?”

“Ok, thanks.”

“Sure thing, see you later.”

He turned halfway around and then stopped, deciding now was as good a time as ever to ask. “Hey, Bruce, do you know…Thor said he got Tony’s words really fast…is that normal? For Tony, I mean.”

Bruce snorted. “Oh, most definitely.” He pulled up his pants leg, revealing first a set of red words, ‘I’m glad you came back,’ but then higher were Tony’s, ‘How's my favorite science bro!,’ exclamation point and all. “I had barely gotten settled in this lab before he came barreling in and gave me these. Pepper says he’s always been like this. It’s gotten him in trouble before, making the wrong choices about who to let in, but,” he shrugged, “he can’t help that he cares about people.”

Bucky did some kind of a nod in acknowledgement, trying not to react strangely to the conversation. “Alright, thanks again.” As he turned and maneuvered his way back out of the lab and up the stairs, he finally admitted to himself that he was hurt. Out of everyone in this century he considered Tony to be his best friend. Well, other than Steve, but that was different.

He and Tony were always hanging out together, talking, laughing, and he had thought it was good. Now he wasn’t sure what it was. At this point he had words from Steve, Natasha, and even Clint, and alright so maybe he hadn’t been able to give them to anyone other than Steve so far, but it didn’t seem like Tony took having words as a prerequisite to giving them.

If Tony was showing Clint new arrows they were probably in the shooting range. Bucky walked past the door that would lead him there and instead headed towards his room.

---

After hiding out for a few days, Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. He marched into the workshop to finally confront the engineer who was currently hunched over a table tinkering.

“What the fuck is your deal, Stark?!” His shout was loud in the basement room, causing Tony to jump. He put down the wrench he had been using to work on…something, and turned to look at Bucky, clearly very confused.

“I just don’t get it!” Bucky continued to shout while walking to him, “Everyone in this tower and half their families have your words! Apparently it takes you all of two seconds to decide you care about someone, even if you do leave the weirdest fucking marks. I’ve been hanging out down here, thinking we were having a good time, thinking that if you hated my guts you would’ve gotten rid of me a long time ago, but I just don’t know anymore! I could see you not liking me when I first got here, that makes sense, I was a mess, but I have other people’s words now so clearly I’m not completely unlovable. And alright, getting Steve’s words wasn’t really a shocker to anyone, and Natasha and I have a history, albeit a weird as shit history, but I even have words from Clint now! I’m not saying I don’t like Clint, I do, but I don’t think I even spend half as much time with him as I do just sitting on your shitty couch, so I don’t understand why I have his words and I don’t have yours!”

Tony was staring at him like a deer stuck in headlights, and it was really understandable because Bucky was pretty sure that was the most he had said at one time since coming to the tower. The minutes stretched on and Tony continued to stare. He kept opening his mouth like he was about to say something but then didn’t. Bucky scowled and moved to turn away.

A hand shot out to grab his wrist. Brown eyes stared up at him from a nerve-wracked face. With a voice so quiet it almost couldn’t be heard, Tony whispered, “Mine will be red.”

A moment passed, and then Bucky began to feel the familiar heat work its way across his sternum. He tugged open the collar of his shirt and peered down. The angle was too harsh for him to read the words, but they were definitely there, and they were a bright, brilliant red.

“Oh, thank God.”

Tony didn’t move for a second, but then he looked down and watched the red words creep across his wrist. The tension drained out of his body and he grinned up at Bucky. At the same time, Bucky pulled him straight into a searing kiss.

A lot of people had unusual words from Tony Stark, but Bucky thought his were the best.

[andreburton8-blog]

People Management Practices 101

Mentoring, counseling and supervising people is one of the best parts of my job – actively helping people grow and be successful drives me. Admittedly, I have made some mistakes in managing people along the way, but I learned from those mistakes, made course corrections and established some solid follower relationships as a result.  This post highlights a couple of practices I picked up along the way.

Understand your people’s interests and priorities first.

Before discussing expectations and assigning tasks, I spend time with team members understanding their interests and priorities first.  Putting their interests first helps me build some level of trust, identify ways I can continue to keep people engaged on the project and proactively evaluate who’s really at risk of leaving the project before we deliver.

I start with outlining the following six engagement factors.

Work – the types of activities you perform on projects/engagements – e.g. tech strategy, testing, PMO, configuration management, development, etc

People – who you work with and whether you enjoy working with them

Opportunity – opportunity to learn and grow and advance your career

Benefits – how much you get paid, dental/medical insurance options, 401K

Work-Life Balance – the ability to balance personal life with work life

Company – the brand and reputation of the company you work for

I then ask the person to rank the factors, from 1 to 6, in order of how important the factors are to them and explain the ranking rationale for each factor.  For example, fresh-out-of-college person might say:

Opportunity - I want to get promoted early.

Benefits - Pay is totally important to me.

People - Since I want to travel, I would like to be on a project with people I enjoy being with for the entire day.

Work - I will take on whatever role is needed to get the job done.

Company - The company I work for is not that important as long as I’m growing and getting paid.

Work-Life Balance - I don’t have a family, am cool with travel and putting in the hours to learn new tools and industries as needed.

Experienced-person-with-a-family might say:

Work-Life Balance - I have a family and need to be home during the week to take care of the kids.

Benefits - Pay and insurance for my family is important.

Work - I just want to enjoy the work that I do.

Company - Brand reputation is important if I need to change companies.

Opportunity - I understand the trade-off with work-life balance for opportunity and am completely cool with that.

People - People are important but since I am prioritizing work-life balance, I won’t be able to engage in extra-curricular activities with people.  As long as the people are qualified to get the job done, that’s all that matters to me right now.

Ranking the factors by priority helps you discuss trade-offs.  For example, if the resource prioritizes work-life balance, many times it comes at the cost of opportunity and benefits (so it may not be right to rank benefits and work-life balance side-by-side on the priority list).

I then ask the resource to tell me how satisfied they are against each factor and explain the satisfaction ranking rationale.  For example, the experienced-person-with-a-family said:

Work-Life Balance, satisfaction ranking = 5.  For the last month, I had to put in 55 hours which made it difficult to engage with my kids after work.  I’m cool with doing this on occasion but I’m unclear on whether this will continue for an extended period of time.

Benefits, satisfaction ranking = 5. I looked at pay for people with similar levels of experience at other companies and believe I’m significantly underpaid.

Work, satisfaction ranking = 5. I’ve been stuck doing the same thing for the last year.  I’m bored.

Company, satisfaction ranking = 1. The company carries a great brand reputation.  I get instant credibility when talking to people outside the company about my area of expertise.

Opportunity, satisfaction ranking = 3.  Although it’s not a high priority, it would be great if I could get a picture of what I can do to move into a new role.

People, satisfaction ranking = 2.  he people on my project and at the firm are pretty smart and fun to hang out with when I get a chance to socialize.

Although there are high and low satisfaction ratings across factors, notice that for the top three factors (work-life balance, benefits and work) have the lowest satisfaction ratings, putting the person at risk of leaving.  In this situation, I take the time to probe all the top three factors.  Focusing on work-life balance to help illustrate, here are some examples of follow-up statements one could respond back with:

“I completely understand your concern and sorry for not addressing this proactively sooner. We have plans to bring on additional resources in two weeks.  You should see your hours come back to normal in a month and a half once the resources are onboarded and ramped up.  I know it’s a lot to ask of you but in the meantime, are there tasks I can pull off your plate to help reduce some of the hours?”

“I understand that you have to drop off and pick up the kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Would working remote on those days help address work-life balance concerns?”

“I know you wanted to pick up some hands-on development tasks.  It may not address your immediate work-life balance concerns (which we’re working through) but if we hand some of your current tasks to Joe, do you think that would at least help with your concerns over work engagement?”

Once we’ve worked through the problem areas, I ask the person to setup a follow-up meeting so I have time to follow-up on action items where applicable and/or verify whether there has been improvement.  

Be honest but start with the positives when giving feedback.

Delivering the tough messages is always difficult.  It important to deliver honest feedback otherwise you may not be fair to the rest of the team (who may be picking up the slack). Not being honest also doesn’t help your person learn and grow.  

When giving feedback, I always start with the positives – e.g. “in the meeting last week, great presentation, the one summary slide was clear and concise about what you wanted to get out of the meeting, please do continue doing that”.  When delivering the constructive feedback, I always try to recall a time that I might have struggled with the same feedback point.  If I did struggle as well, I always say that I still struggle with it (if I am) and what steps I’ve taken to address it.  

For example, I had to tell someone that his written communication skills needed significant improvement.  When delivering the feedback, I mentioned that I too struggled with writing earlier in my career but in order to improve, I decided to write a mini-biography.  I never published the biography, but in the process of writing it, I found myself paying attention to how other people write, their style and so on.  I became better at writing as a result, I won’t say I can put out Pulitzer prize winning material, but marching towards a goal helped me put structure and discipline into the process. I also pointed the person to resources in the company that helps people improve writing skills – training sessions, books, coaches, etc.

I have found that saying that I struggled with the same issue (when I actually have) helps me 1. appear honest (in an attempt to build trust), 2. avoid looking like a hypocrite (if my writing issue ever came up) and 3. makes the recommendation a little more real (like if Andre did it, I can do it too because he has descent writing skills).

Thanks for taking the time to read.  Please let me know if you have any practices, tips or techniques you’d like to share!

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

What We Learned: Blackhawks face the new normal

(Hello, this is a feature that will run through the entire season and aims to recap the weekend’s events and boils those events down to one admittedly superficial fact or stupid opinion about each team. Feel free to complain about it.)

Take solace in the affirmation that Stan Bowman won’t, in fact, fire Joel Quenneville.

There would have been a lot of psychic catharsis in canning someone in the wake of not only a second straight first-round bounce-out, but also the first-ever sweep by a No. 8 seed of a No. 1 seed in the history of not only the NHL, but the NBA as well. It would have been a dumb move, given that Quenneville is one of the three best coaches in the game, but if people wanted blood, that would have been Bowman’s best option to do so.

Well, not “best,” but certainly “easiest.”

Instead, Bowman used a lot of tough words, including saying “unacceptable” about 600 times, about making significant changes. But you really have to question whether it’s a promise on which he can actually follow through. The amount of money Chicago necessarily has to spend on its core starting next season is massive, and there probably aren’t a lot of contracts that are feasibly movable.

Toews and Kane? Well, you’d probably get a lot of interest if you were to put them on the market, but come on. You can’t put Toews or Kane on the market.

Brent Seabrook? Yeah, for some reason it’s tough to see a lot of interest in a “defense-first” guy 32-year-old who’s signed at that price for another seven years, especially because he has a no-move until 2022.

Corey Crawford? He’s 32 and signed for three more seasons, and has a partial-no-trade-slash-no-move.

Marian Hossa? That’s the price you pay for all those cheap years when he was younger and good. Now that he’s 38, that contract’s stuck. He, too, has a no-move.

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Duncan Keith? He’s your No. 1 D (for better or worse at this point) and he’s almost 34, and he’s signed for six more seasons. And he has a no-move.

Artem Anisimov? Four more years for him, and he has a no-move. (Why does Anisimov have a no-move?)

Niklas Hjalmarsson? He’s one of the better defensemen at what he does in the league, and he has a modified no-trade and a no-move.

Panarin? He starts a new contract next season, and he just signed, but he has no protections from trades.

Those are just about the only guys you could move who would make any sort of big difference, right? All of them are at least difficult to swap out, in part because Bowman felt like he had to give out no-trades and no-moves to keep the core together at something resembling a low price point. And of course, these eight guys make a combined $59.33 million. Next year’s salary cap is projected to land somewhere in the $75-76 million range, and even on the high end there, that’s nine guys eating 78 percent of your total cap number.

It gives you about $17 million to play with, which sounds like a decent amount.

It’s not.

Because in addition to those core guys, Marcus Kruger makes a little more than $3 million for the next two seasons. Now you’re north of $62.4 million (and 82 percent of the cap) on 10 guys. Add in all the entry-level guys, plus a few vets who still have cheap contracts for next year and you’re looking at more than $69.65 million. That’s 91.6 percent of the cap. It gives you $6.35 million to work with.

Oh and of course, because certain players hit their performance bonuses this season, Chicago also has a sizable cap overage: $3.558 million. That bumps you to $73.2 million. You have $2.79 million to spend. And that’s without re-signing three RFAs.

And even if you feel like you have a little wiggle room coming off the books with Johnny Oduya and Brian Campbell, you don’t. You need to replace two defensemen and find a backup goalie with that money.

This really isn’t a pretty picture here.

This is all, of course, “in theory.” Bowman has proven himself adept at getting out of cap-related jams in the past several years, and the good news is that he probably does have options to move even one of the more intractable contracts on the team. Given how seemingly hell-bent he is on shaking things up, there’s no telling who he exposes in the expansion draft in a few months.

But again, given all the no-moves on that roster, what’s your best option in the expansion draft? Hope they take Kruger, probably. There’s no way you can let Panarin be exposed there. He may cost $6 million, but can you replace his offense for less than that via free agency? Even if you don’t look for a Panarin replacement on the open market, who could you trade for to keep this train going? And with what?

The good news is a lot of GMs are likely to be more than willing to help Bowman out. We’ve seen plenty of times in the past that anyone coming out of Chicago is viewed as a capital-W Winner who helps them immediately. Whether that continues now that they’ve won three playoff games in the past two seasons and Chicago is looking vulnerable for the first time in like eight years. Why help them now? Why not let them twist in the wind? Almost anyone they’ll be looking to trade — unless they really want to blow this thing up — won’t be a huge help to you.

The one thing that’s weird about all this is Bowman’s apparent level of surprise that things worked out this way. Chicago has been on the decline for years now, and while this team won a Cup as recently as two seasons ago, the changes he’s been forced to make by the salary cap and his own team’s success were always going to lead to this point.

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Granted, if you’re looking at the corsi numbers or any other “advanced” stats, they’re not going to tell the full story about how good this team is because it has above-average players at every position, and that’s going to allow you to win more games than you statistically “should” simply because that’s the talent level you bring to the table. Crawford will always stop more shots than the average goalie, Toews/Kane/Panarin will always score more than the average shooter.

But the concessions made because of the cap finally caught up with this club. Over the past three years, things have gotten dire in a hurry.

In terms of expected-goals, to go from “outperforming 53 percent” to “outperforming 49 percent” is gonna knock you on your ass. Especially because, come playoff time, most teams you play are always going to have elite players that allow their team to outperform their own numbers, whatever they happen to be. (And this season, Nashville’s was 52 percent, while Chicago’s was 48.9 percent.)

It’s not totally Bowman’s fault that he painted himself into this corner. The Seabrook contract is horrible, and was horrible the day it was signed. No doubt about that, it’s a huge mistake. And you can argue Toews and Kane are overpaid — they are — but any GM in the league would have given them those deals and walked away smiling. That’s the cost of doing business when you win three Cups.

So the problem for Bowman, and Quenneville, is that they’ve worked magic by bringing in good young players on ELCs for more than half a decade. It doesn’t seem to be working any more. Maybe you blame the aging core, which simply isn’t as good as it used to be, for not being able to bring those guys along.

And maybe you change one or two things this summer — although, again, I don’t see how — and revitalize certain aspects of the team for one last ride.

The point is, Bowman can be upset and call this unacceptable all he wants. But this was always going to come down the tracks. And even if he makes near-seismic changes, Chicago losing in the playoffs is going to be the norm moving forward. Partly because no one wins all these Cups forever. And partly because time, like a pack of wolves, catches up with everyone.

But if you win three Cups, you have to say it was worth it.

What We Learned

Anaheim Ducks: What makes the Ducks a Cup contender? Maybe they can trick the Oilers into taking a bunch of dumbass penalties too.

Arizona Coyotes: Hey no big deal it’s just another arena deal that died before anyone had a chance to care about it. I bet this team stays in Arizona forever. Sure.

Boston Bruins: This is the kind of trenchant analysis we need more of in hockey.

Buffalo Sabres: Don’t get cheap on me, Dodgson.

Calgary Flames: How about clearing out all the horrible players at the bottom of the roster that really ended up holding the team back? Nah, you gotta throw big money at the 30-year-old coming off a .910 season. That’s the smart play.

Carolina Hurricanes: “Solve needs?” Is Klas Dahlbeck a goalie all of a sudden?

Chicago: I get the argument that Chicago just suffered from a lot of bad luck against the Predators and that overreaction wouldn’t be wise (which is why they call it “over”reaction) but like, something drastic has to change if this team wants to materially improve.

Colorado Avalanche: Haha. Good one, guys. Great joke.

Columbus Blue Jackets: This team should have decided to go on its 16-game winning streak in the playoffs, gang.

Dallas Stars: Hmm, this is a take that usually goes over well.

Detroit Red Wings: When guys focus on being “hard to play against” they usually become the opposite.

Edmonton Oilers: You jerks don’t even live on the east coast! Come on!

Florida Panthers: Yeah this is probably the end of the road for Roberto Luongo as a “1a” starting goalie. Hall of Fame career. What a player.

Los Angeles Kings: Okay, sure. That’s fine.

Minnesota Wild: This team probably needs like two or three borderline-elite forwards to make them truly competitive, up from the approximately zero they have now. Where do you get ’em? I don’t know.

Montreal Canadiens: It’s almost as if focusing solely on getting players who play physical hockey is, like, bad. Why didn’t anyone think of this before right now?

Nashville Predators: This is truly a weird matchup for the Predators. Like they Blues, they have a few high-end offensive talents, no forward depth, a solid blue line, and a goalie who punched well above his weight in the first round. Should be fun.

New Jersey Devils: Uhh, what.

New York Islanders: Move the Islanders to Quebec.

New York Rangers: Mats Zuccarello is awesome. Shout out to the little fella.

Ottawa Senators: Wow, yeah, remember how the Senators traded Mika Zibanejad? Derick Brassard was pretty bad in the regular season but this first round went well for Ottawa. Sens win the trade!!!

Philadelphia Flyers: This is the big deal, huh? Valtteri Filppula? Okay, I believe you.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Still no word on most of the injured guys. It’s probably gonna matter in the second round since they’ll have to play an actual good team.

San Jose Sharks: Don’t think there’s any “may have” about it. The Sharks as we’ve known them for like a decade are pretty much over. I think you might have to blow ‘er up.

St. Louis Blues: Wow, Magnus Paajarvi is still in the league.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Nikita Kucherov has a new agent. Hmm. Hmmmmm.

Toronto Maple Leafs: My son is making everyone proud.

Vancouver Canucks: Nikita Tryamkin leaving is not perplexing. The Canucks are a mess and if he goes back to the KHL he can play in the Olympics. I’ve cracked the case. You’re welcome.

Vegas Golden Knights: Hey, the practice rink is coming along nicely. Cool.

Washington Capitals: Yeah it’s because Tom Wilson is a meathead who sucks at hockey.

Winnipeg Jets: Say whatever you want. This team isn’t the next Leafs. They don’t have the coach or the talent. Period.

Play of the Weekend

This Tarasenko guy might be pretty good.

Gold Star Award

Well I guess you gotta give this to the guy who went .950-plus in the first round. Big ups to Jake Allen.

Minus of the Weekend

Weak. Second year in a row he chose not to go. https://t.co/mLoigvkqN8

— Eric Francis (@EricFrancis) April 21, 2017

Here’s an Eric Francis tweet from Friday about TJ Brodie turning down the World Championships due to what others in the Calgary media termed “family” issues. In what may or may not be a related note, Brodie’s fiancee has multiple sclerosis. Good tweet, Eric.

Perfect HFBoards Trade Proposal of the Year

User “The Price is Right” is wrong.

Galchenyuk + Beaulieu + and Habs 2017 first rounder

For Eichel

Signoff

You still owe me 10 more Iroquois twists.

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All stats via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

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Teaching Revolution: What Role for “Direct Action Training”?

Anonymous Contributor | IT'S GOING DOWN | March 14th 2017

The post Teaching Revolution: What Role for “Direct Action Training”? appeared first on IT'S GOING DOWN.

The variations are infinite, but certain elements are almost inevitable. Most of us have been exposed to some version of it. A two to eight hour process where we hear about the power of direct action, role play getting yelled at by imaginary adversaries, and finally reach the day’s paramount of group cohesion and risk by pretending to sit down in an office or intersection.

This, we are told, is a direct action training. It leaves most of us wondering what exactly participants are prepared to do that they weren’t before. The answer is rarely developing a strategy or creating some form of political conflict on their own. One might object that a single day, or a few hours, is inadequate to dev...

elop these capacities. Since that’s the duration of these trainings, however, it’s equivalent to saying they’re designed to be inadequate.

At least for those purposes. What is really achieved is that people develop a sense of group cohesion and the notion that the group behaves according to shared protocols. And the shared protocols have an uncanny tendency to be focused almost solely on deescalation (indeed, some DA trainings, rather than subject people to the imaginary horrors of being yelled at by imaginary police, require participants to role play calming down other protesters who are getting too angry).

When we think about taking action, we can ask an infinite number of questions: “Will this be useful or meaningful?” “Are we achieving power shifts that are immediately significant and build toward our long-term vision?” But it seems clear the prevailing format of direct action trainings are conceived around the question:“What if it gets out of control?” Moreover, these trainings assume people are coming to an action for the proverbial weekend—they are given enough orientation to participate in someone else’s action, rather than conceive of their own moment of social conflict.

This is not to say that all direct action trainings are in the low barrier to entry, low conflict format. Lisa Fithian, for instance, does direct action trainings with an emphasis on the ways power shifts from physical interventions and occupations. Action camps do still exist, although less than in the past, and these require at least intense time commitments. And of course, some action trainings present frameworks more fundamentally challenging to the dominant power structure than others. But the point is that throughout most of the United States, at most times, people seeking entry into social conflict through some form of explicit pedagogy will find only Direct Action 101 with a tendency towards dogmatic nonviolence—a vague and often underdeveloped “principle.”

People with more radically egalitarian views tend to seek higher levels of social conflict, but people with more radically egalitarian views also have less interest in explicit instruction/indoctrination in social conflict. Anarchists emphasize the inherently narrow parameters placed on action if it is action that can be taught a priori, instead of conceived by emergent groups in dynamic moments. We seek uprisings.

Uprisings, however—defined for our purposes here as sustained mass resistance with tactics/strategy evolving in real time—do not necessarily preclude instruction. For one thing, there is the question of getting to the point where political conflict has become so potent, and we have become so immersed in it, that we commit to the full uprising state and all its open possibilities. For most in the US, we have yet to arrive at this stage. If people seeking to confront power consistently find that the only available pedagogic environment is designed for weekend involvement and engagement/skill levels that preclude any hope of tactical evolution or deviation from a script provided by an existing group, won’t we wait longer for uprisings?

And when uprisings do come, it often seems that something very much like “direct action training” would be pretty useful. A number of critiques have been written over the years of movement managers stepping in to guide (and thus limit) the rage and spontaneous initiative of popular resistance, all perfectly valid. But when large groups are suddenly mobilized, we often find ourselves in conflicts we have no particular shared tools or strategic framework to work with. Because these moments of conflict shift quickly and possibilities necessarily close, we often lose opportunities.

Participants in large mobilizations, whether lasting hours or months, tend to comprise three basic political identities. There is the large grassroots, which may (at least at the outset) possess few tools explicitly developed for social conflict, but is therefore open to possibilities political specialists may not see. There are the movement professionals and other leaders who very often seek levels of conflict less intense than the grassroots is prepared for, and who expect the grassroots folks to be less invested and capable than they are or could be. And there are the radicals, who want grassroots folks to join them in seeking heightened social conflict and to develop strategic agency and deep commitment—but who feel some level of discomfort/disdain for explicitly presenting a framework to an emergent movement that is discovering its own identity. We don’t want to suppress an inherent trajectory, don’t want to emulate the movement managers, don’t want to act like political specialists even though we very clearly are.

In so doing, however, we emulate the empty moralism of nonviolence that insists on adhering to an admittedly nice principle even when doing so results in havoc and tragedy. We insist on letting movements evolve organically and according to their own dynamics, when what is true is that others with less egalitarian perspectives simply step in time and again to fill what they perceive as a power vacuum. We cling to a principle even when it has no strategic utility in the actual world.

Let us take Standing Rock as an example. The vast majority of bodies on the ground there did not come with experience of sustained conflict, political strategy, or group decisions. A direct action clique in the form of Red Warrior Camp formed quickly, but was a closed camp with its own security and no explicit mechanism for public engagement (e.g. trainings or presentations of any sort), giving it an aura of inaccessibility. The tribal government and other folks more allied with institutional power had predictable issues with direct action, and so controversies around masking up, getting arrested, and being respectable—essentially identical to controversies one would find in a non-indigenous political setting—raged through the camps.

This created a situation wherein thousands of people had traveled thousands of miles to resist a pipeline, only to find that the most visible figures didn’t want anyone to do any active resisting if it could be viewed as illegal. Meanwhile, those seeking heightened conflict had a security perimeter and weren’t inviting anyone over for dinner (for a huge variety of reasons: let’s acknowledge that the incredible workload and exhaustion were also chief among them). The result was that trainings—the only mechanism by which people could engage in the physical elements of the struggle—were relegated to the Indigenous Peoples Power Project, a Greenpeace spinoff that simply didn’t have the capacity to generate tactically relevant actions and presented “no masking up” as a core principle. Red Warrior could only present its political perspective in ad hoc, often defensive conversations, rather than coherently and on its own terms.

The result was that trainings…were relegated to…a Greenpeace spinoff that simply didn’t have the capacity to generate tactically relevant actions and presented “no masking up” as a core principle. Red Warrior could only present its political perspective in ad hoc, often defensive conversations, rather than coherently and on its own terms.

Standing Rock produced countless moments which validate the notion that useful/meaningful action spontaneously develops in settings where people share the experience of being together and fighting without a script. Driving away Dakota Access workers on horseback, fighting security guards and dogs with dirt clods and survey stakes, small numbers establishing a long-term blockade of the pipeline route at Highway 1806 after the dogs attacked in August, the mass occupation of the same location months later after a significant escalation in police tactics in November—these are things people did with essentially no planning, more brave and more complex than the actions people plan for months. That is the emergent nature of legitimate social conflict.

But we also lost incredible opportunities. The late August to mid-October phase of disrupting pipeline work away from camp—the phase that started straight out of the Earth First! playbook and very quickly progressed into another vision entirely—was significantly hampered by the lack of engagement mechanisms. The bizarre reality was that police/DAPL intrusion into camp would have incited a holy war thousands strong, but pipeline construction ten miles away was difficult to get a couple dozen people to. Collective capacity for disruption did develop, but slowly. As construction neared camp and became sufficiently militarized to preclude tactically meaningful engagements, the strategically relevant horizon might have been to take on actions further and further away, to spread police resources thin. But we did not have sufficient numbers sufficiently organized for such a complex undertaking.

When the wild tumult of any given uprising is over, we return to whatever life we have left, tend to our wounds, and strategize the next rupture. As we do so, we imagine lots of new people showing up and being frustrating—lacking a requisite sense of self-initiative and skill to critically evaluate options and take independent action, weeping for broken windows or the mere possibility of them. But is this at all surprising if the only people who make any conspicuous effort to engage new people in resistance are NGOs and their ilk? Have we actually done our due diligence and made an explicit case for other forms of struggle, in a format where people have the opportunity to assimilate it?

It is hard to imagine a revolutionary process worth the name that doesn’t very heavily emphasize pedagogy. “Direct action training” is terminology with fairly narrow associations, but what it generally refers to is broad and pregnant with possibility. People are showing up with a rage and desperation in their hearts that NVDA in its quintessential forms is doing little to speak to. If people who desire legitimate, strategic conflict position themselves to engage this energy, we might significantly shift the scope of possible movement work. The following themes seem worth considering in developing processes of skill building and engagement.

Commitment and proximity: People’s scattered urban residences and people’s busy urban schedules are anathema to action. Camps, blockades, intensive planning processes, anything that gets people together and functioning for the same reason in the same place, no matter what structure is intentionally given to it, produce far more meaningful action than time spent at two hour meetings after work.

Groups can form in the city and meet forever without doing anything, can contemplate action forever without really taking it, precisely because their lives preclude the level of experiential investment in conflict necessary to commit to it. Without the blockade or the occupation or the camp, we do not have the level of proximity to one another, for enough hours of the day, to do the sheer level of planning and work necessary to meaningfully engage conflict. When everyday life prevails we see “groups” which consist of a tiny number of people working themselves to death to drive movement work forward and a larger number who show up at meetings but are mostly occupied with other things. And when we do work together in between our jobs and television, it is painful, it feels like a superhuman effort to meet and to try to drive anything forward on our crazy schedules and with so many distractions. But when we are all living in tents together it feels natural and inevitable and sometimes even fun because one can only sit around eating free lentils and bagels for so many hours of the day.

People decompartmentalize spontaneously sometimes, but when they don’t, intensive trainings are one of the only ways to get them beyond the format of occasional revolutionary interactions shoved haphazardly into the empty spaces “real life” affords. We need fewer weekend mobilizations, fewer efforts that purport to “meet people where they’re at,” and more attempts to engage people like the planet is screaming its death cries, inequalities are growing, our delusional white supremacist power structure just got lots more delusional and white supremacist, food and water are running out, catastrophic war looms everywhere, and a fascist reality television star wants to destroy us all and negate the stars. We need more Occupy and more Standing Rock, more attempts to shift the terrain of political possibility rather than maneuver it.

DA training is set up for people who want to participate on the weekends, and movement work in general is often structured around the notion that one can meaningfully do it and lead a normal life. But time and again we see that the most useful work movements do—whether occupying a public square or resisting a pipeline—implies people giving up an existing structure and committing to the struggle fundamentally and existentially, identifying with it. Burnout is real, but to a large extent the process of actually committing to social struggle is self-catalyzing: commitment leads to greater conflict which leads to greater commitment. It is worth asking if we can bias training processes to emphasize greater levels of involvement at the outset, by presenting series, camps, and intensives.

Technical expertise…: The simple reality is that actions, campaigns, and movements need specialized skills. Monitoring police responses to marches means knowing how to use a scanner. Blockading trains means knowing when they’re coming. Writing a press release means knowing what a press release is and having a coherent understanding of why a group would or wouldn’t issue one. People learning unique skill sets can seem idiosyncratic and obsessive, but time and again actual movement work suffers or simply doesn’t happen because knowledge does not exist within a given group.

…but with tactical fluidity: The teaching environments that do emphasize technical skills mostly do so in a political framework of orderly campaigns oriented toward shifting the behavior of power holders through relatively sanctioned forms of conflict. Entities like Greenpeace and The Ruckus Society will teach people all the climbing, lock box construction, and banner hanging one could possibly hope for, but these tend to be repetitive tactics (which have arguably lost much of their 1990s grandeur) with variation mostly in messaging/presentation. The degree of social conflict is inherently circumscribed by the tactical focus: the barriers are never greater than getting someone down from something or out of something.

This isn’t to say locking down and the like is always useless. It may be a weary routine in general, and in particular deliberate surrender to police may be morally exhausting, but it does legitimately allow people to hold space and shift power when no other options are clearly available. Locking down and the like is useless when it is guaranteed to end there, when it is the final and not the initial moment of struggle. Few training curricula integrate lessons on the how and when of choosing a tactic in the strategic narrative and escalation timeline of a campaign. Few explore the important balance in the need to be fluid with the need to learn non-trivial skills. Few training curricula teach people how to understand train signals, or know when a pipeline is too highly pressurized to be shut down, or how to plan good contingencies for shutting things down and leaving without arrest.

What will the fight against Keystone XL look like? What about the fight against the border wall? They’re probably going to suffer if no one can read a map or use a radio. Why can’t we actually shut cities down most of the time? Perhaps because groups within a given city don’t usually have the specialized functional knowledge to take bridges and rail lines on their own and help divert police from the mass getting where it needs to go. We must learn skills without getting lost in repetitive deployment of these skills for its own sake. The police watch and catch up on our behavior every time and our lack of skill and fluidity lead to more anti-climatic ineffectual actions.

Integrating heightened conflict seeking with explicit strategic frameworks: Seeing the institutions of power as illegitimate tends to correlate with not being particularly interested in the details of their behavior or the ostensible mechanisms they provide for changing that behavior. Richly structured accounts of how and why institutions of power work, and might respond to direct action, tend to be produced by people who see these institutions as capable of redemption.

But for the most part, we do not find ourselves engaging movement contexts where complete dismantling of the power structure and its entire apparatus seems particularly clearly, imminently on the table. We do not find ourselves in struggles where the next step is to shut down all the fossil fuel infrastructure, completely dismantle the police forces, redistribute all the wealth, and undo all the borders. For the most part, we need to work on immediate achievements of a lesser scale that are strategically conceived to develop larger shifts. This doesn’t mean we have to try to reform the system, it doesn’t mean we demand hopeless change or structure our actions within the limited terms of the system.

But it does mean that the work we do on any given day is likely to land us squarely in the terrain where its significance is determined, at least in part, by the response of power holders. We can blockade airports and the travel ban either is or is not lifted. We can create tumult in the streets and the power holders either do or do not care enough to stop bombing people or selling the world’s last drops of blood to corporations. The anarchist distrust of describing how power operates for fear of validating it is wholly misplaced: a detailed account of its operations is as scathing an indictment as one could dream of.

When we start to map institutional power and its likely responses to our actions more carefully, we give people already possessing an anti-authoritarian outlook more sophisticated tools to do their work. We help action to be conceived which both achieves the most with the existing power structure in existence and does the most to wither that structure away. Moreover, we no longer cede ground in talking about a central element of direct action—how the banks and politicians and corporations will respond to us—to people who want to talk solely about “strategic campaigning” in the sense of asking the institutions to do the right thing.

At the risk of sounding ridiculous, developing sophisticated shared terminology with which anti-authoritarians can talk about the range of responses available to, and likely from, official power holders would probably do much to diminish common strategic debates in direct action organizing. We’ve already acknowledged that the people who show up in social conflicts weeping for windows arguably never were exposed to a clear platform that focuses on more salient points. They also present their concern for windows as a moral focus in itself rather than acknowledging the debate is ultimately about power and how it will be shifted.

For such people, action is moral dialogue, and the dialogue is conceived as being held with those in power. For the rest of us, action may or may not be moral dialogue, but it is also physical intervention, predicated on the assumption that some level of disruption greater than that necessary to reveal injustice must be affected to stop injustice. These are usually values and identity conflicts masquerading as real conversations, because one’s sense of how redeemable power is speaks to one’s own place in it.

But these conflicts ultimately present different strategic frameworks which can be evaluated according to the unique vicissitudes of a given situation. A moment might come when legitimate pluralism emerges, and the conflicts that tear mobilizations apart fade, when people can talk about their values-based frameworks and acknowledge that their assumptions might be more or less true depending on what’s actually happening in external reality.

We are so traumatized by people’s obsessive need to discuss violence and nonviolence, to ignore some forms of violence and pathologically fear others (rather than simply thinking in terms of the meaning and effectiveness of action), that it might seem ludicrous to suggest wading into this discussion in an intentional and programmatic way. But being too smart and cool and politically informed for the nonviolence debate doesn’t mean it’s going to stop being the thing that movements collapse over time and again. When we begin to speak about the ways emotional attachments to strategic frameworks preclude actual strategy, in clear and deliberate ways on our own terms in our own spaces, we may even begin to move this seemingly intractable barrier to useful mass movement work.

We live in a time when the empirical foundation for the claim that centralized institutional authority will destroy us has never been clearer. No one plausibly speculates Trump’s cabal will acquiesce to a moral truth being articulated by protesters. Everyone knows we must resist. We will maximize the effectiveness of our work, and the numbers who seek legitimate channels of resistance, if we develop the shared analytical tools to talk about policy from an anti-authoritarian perspective and address people’s thoughts and concerns about power clearly.

“Trainings” give us a chance to develop these skills ourselves, as well as the clearest format for introducing others to our analysis.

The perils are many and the work great, but these are a few of the arguments for seriously considering placing greater emphasis on explicit forms of political action education.

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