#these shitty coping mechanisms then maybe his boyfriend would still be alive!!

[realitybled]

when you are your father's son

[reachgirl]

So..

Maddie had to basically raise and care for her brother when she was pretty young (from what we can gather), she was in an abusive relationship where her husband  cut her off from family and friends, then when she finally managed to leave him he came back to stalk and kidnap her and stab her boyfriend, and she had to kill him. Then she was held hostage at the call center. 

Buck had a difficult childhood (I think we’re safe to assume this much), then his sister left and it was obviously a big deal to him - and when she found him again she was almost killed by her abusive ex, he almost drowned and almost lost his friend’s son in a tsunami, had his leg crushed by a fire truck, had a pulmonary embolism, lost his job and his friends, his girlfriend left him because she couldn’t deal with the job, his other ex girlfriend used him as an emotional support crutch and then abandoned him without even giving him a clean break, his psychologist used her position of trust so she could sleep with him. Oh and his best friend / guy he’s clearly in love with was almost buried alive and.. it was never addressed again.

Athena’s fiancé was killed, she was almost killed by a serial killer, and her daughter almost killed herself, then she was kidnapped and almost killed again. 

Bobby’s wife and children died tragically in a fire that he blames himself for. 

Chim had an abusive dad, a mom who died when he was a teenager, he was bullied, his best friend sacrificed himself on a call and Chim was there to see it all, then he had a traumatic brain injury after a near-fatal car accident and his girlfriend left him right after, oh and he was catfished and stabbed by his girlfriend’s abusive ex-husband who then kidnapped her, and then she was kidnapped again at her place of work!

Eddie’s helicopter was shot down and his friend died, his son had to have multiple operations while he was away, his parents tried to take his son away from him, then his wife left him, twice, and then died in his arms. Then he was almost buried alive. 

Hen was bullied, her relationship with her ex put her child’s safety in jeopardy, and she inadvertently caused a young girl’s death, oh and she almost died in the earthquake.

And most of the issues I listed don’t even include the stuff that happens to them on a day-to-day basis. Or any of the stuff that happened to Michael, Josh, Karen, Chris, May or Harry.

Now obviously, you could do a show that actually dives into the trauma of emergency responders, but that would be a very different tone. There’s always the question of how realistic can these shows really be in 45 minutes and still give us these crazy rescue scenarios (Tsunami?? Mudslide? Plane Crash? Check) AND emotional development each episode. Realistically, the 118 wouldn’t be the ones - or at least not the only ones - called in to save people on a failed water landing / plane crash in the ocean. Their area of operation wouldn’t span from the coastline doing abseiling rescues to trying to run down a hot air balloon to bank robberies to train crashes in the middle of nowhere.

So we also can’t expect them to be completely faithful to actual trauma psychology, because that would most probably make for boring TV, but even if it didn’t, it just COULDN’T be the show we love so much. They do give it some space, like showing Christopher dealing with nightmares, acknowledging the slower pacing of Madney’s relationship because of her past experiences, Bobby’s unwillingness to forgive himself, Eddie’s anger management issues and poor coping skills in general, Buck not giving himself time to heal properly because of his need to be defined by helping people so he can feel ‘worthy’, and some characters even get to go and see a psychologist - with mixed results, that also aren’t properly followed up on, and when Eddie says he didn’t click with the psychologist that’s seemingly also the end of him dealing with his anger issues. A lot of the time, the show acknowledges mental wellbeing once, and then drops it completely - like Buck’s abandonment issues being dealt with only as a set up for Abby to come back. Lone Star does a little better with Judd’s trauma from his entire team dying in front of him, and his survivor’s guilt, and how that affects his relationship. 

BUT season 3 of 911 actually laid some good ground work with Eddie Begins, with Athena unsure of whether she will get back to work, with Hen considering changing careers, and Maddie and Chim’s relationship playing out the way it did. I really hope that a lot of the events in season 4 - the baby and the anxiety that comes with that (especially if you have shitty parents), May starting work as a 9-1-1 operator, Eddie and Buck going to Texas, Buck Begins, will circle back to some of these traumatic experiences and give them more room to breathe along with the new stuff that will inevitably come up. I mean we already know there’s going to be a freaking mudslide and LAVA and wildfires, so.

Maybe one of the reasons we love fanfiction is because it gives you room to explore a facet of the characters or their lives that isn’t given much room in the canon, maybe because it doesn’t fit the tone of the show or the writers are focusing somewhere else. I think it’s also the reason why buddie is so popular while actual canon ships are less so - it’s the same in a lot of fandoms. You’ll always have more fanfiction about the stuff you don’t get to explore on screen - the other relationships you already get to see played out, so it doesn’t feel as necessary to write about. So in fanfiction, we can give the characters space to breathe and deal with everything, and we can be realistic in how a new emergency doesn’t erase the trauma of past experiences, and how LONG it would actually take to deal with some of these issues in real life. There are SO many fanfiction out there in the 9-1-1 AO3 tag that do this so well, and that have a really good handle on how these characters would or could still be affected by this stuff, whether it’s panic attacks or nightmares or unhealthy coping mechanisms or emotional hang ups like guilt and feelings of inadequacy.(I think this is the reason why I tend to not like fanfiction that puts a heavy emphasis on headcanon for more trauma like kidnappings or abuse or childood trauma. There’s already so much stuff we have seen in the show, and in the hints we get about Buck’s childhood for example, I don’t need insult added to injury so to speak. But to each their own, obviously.) And I think that’s really cool and something we should talk about and seek out and write about, because it’s a huge reason why we care about these characters so much. And we should also continue to hold the show to a standard of not erasing the trauma, and give it space even when we’re realistic about how much space it can have in the kind of show 9-1-1 is. 

So I guess that’s a long way of saying I’m excited it seems that season 4 will focus a lot more in depth on character and dealing with all the stuff I listed above. And I can’t wait to see where Buck’s abandonment issues come from, or how Eddie and Buck could bond over having shitty parents. 

[paaradoxum]

BakuTodo Rec List of Fics Vol. II

It’s been a while since the last time I did the other list and many new, wonderful fics appeared (the dynamics will be the same: AO3 fics that includes top!Bakugou and bottom!Todoroki for those that are NSFW), so if you wanna check out here is Part I.

This time there are 32 fics in this list, I have more and probably I will make Part III soon.

Spoiler: EVERY SINGLE one of these stories are FUCKING AWESOME.

Rating: G

→ flowers die, feelings grow by kinneyb

Summary:  When Bakugo first visits a local flower shop with Jirou, he buys some flowers in a lame attempt to piss off one of the employees - a guy named Shouto. But then he gets a little too invested in keeping his flowers alive.

→ Pretty by doop-doop.

Summary:  Like so many things that had to do with Shouto, the question took Bakugou entirely by surprise. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

→ For a Single Moment by itsclowreedsfault.

Summary:  Katsuki shakes his head with a sigh and an unbidden smile. Shouto's always been like an overexcited kid when it came to cats; Katsuki should've known he didn't stand a chance against them in Shouto's first visit to a cat cafe.

Rating: T

→ Ruin My Life by justhavesex.

Summary: He's not a vengeful person, really, he's not.

But him and Bakugou have started this little on-going war of theirs back in middle school when they were 10 years old and Todoroki had accidentally—if you got Todoroki drunk enough and fed his ego well enough he would, in fact, admit that it was very much on purpose—accidentally fed Bakugou's limited edition All Might magazine to his cat.

→ Aesthetic Distance by llyn.

Summary:  This was around the time Shouto was appearing in all the blogs and rags and instagrams wearing a hideous faux fur coat of bright, hot neon like some awful crawling creature from an acid trip had been hunted and skinned, its pelt draped over Shouto's shoulders.

→ Dance To This by justhavesex.

Summary:  Bakugou has never cared much about being an alpha, not really, not until he met the most frustrating omega in all existence: Todoroki Shouto.

→ Welcome to the Mile-High Club by minhakos.

Summary:  In which Todoroki realizes that maybe airplanes aren't the only thing that should make him nervous.

→ Boyfriend Tactics by Esselle.

Summary: 'Shouto's eyes go impossibly wide. He seems to lose all powers of communication for a moment and just stands there, frozen, staring at Katsuki and the kitten. Finally, eventually, he utters the tiniest noise Katsuki has ever heard him make.

"Ah…" '

--

Katsuki comes to the aid of a small and fluffy civilian while on patrol.

→ Line by Line by Lillabelle.

Summary:  With half his sketchbook filled with drawings of the guy, Katsuki wondered if he’s already crossed the line of being insanely creepy. They’ve never spoken, and he honestly only knew the person’s name was Todoroki Shouto because of role call in class. Shouto was just… so unique to look at with his half and half appearance. It was hard for Katsuki’s eyes not to get drawn to him. Not to mention they shared several classes, so if Katsuki ever got bored and felt like drawing something, there he was.

→ a todobaku one-shot collection by kagehinataboke.

Summary:  all of my multiple, multiple, multiple todobaku one-shots. i stan two (2) dipshit boys that are obviously in love and hate with each other.

→ amaryllis by ?

Summary:  The amaryllis has come to symbolize pride, determination and radiant beauty. Somehow this all suited Katsuki a lot more than Shouto expected.

→ tell ourselves a good lie by ElmoIsSatan. (In-Progress 12/?)

Summary: For a straight guy with anger issues, getting a “boyfriend” might just be his only escape.

Or-

Bakugo makes an impulsive decision and suddenly gains a boyfriend just to prove his parents wrong... The only problem is it’s all fake.

→ how to register for a library card (and get a boyfriend in the process) by Kaleid369.

Summary: “Friends have each other’s numbers, yeah?” Bakugou shrugs. “I don’t hate you, I guess.”

“Lucky me.”

“Lucky you,” Bakugou snorts. “I gotta go. Text me so I have your number.”

“I will.”

He's already started walking away when Shouto blurts out, “See you tomorrow?”

Bakugou shoots him a smirk over his shoulder, as if to say, Duh.

Shouto stands and stares at his retreating back, and the thought of kissing him pounds along with the beat of his heart.

→ on brand by dinosuns.

Summary: Midoriya is honestly unsure what’s worse: the tragic fact that Todoroki Shouto can make anything look objectively incredible or the fact Kacchan has six versions of the exact same photograph saved onto his camera roll.

Nobody saves a photo that many times by accident.

Kacchan set the bar, Todoroki raised it. That is not a good thing.

→ The Journey Home by dinosuns.

Summary: “Your hair looks real fucking nice.”

“I thought it was about time I grew it out,” Todoroki says, something wistful caught in his voice. “You were always saying I should.”

That’s true. And Bakugou is satisfied to know he was right about it looking good, but it’s not like he can share that with the fucking class anymore.

--

Bakugou tells himself that he's fine with how things turned out between them. He also tells himself he's not still in love.

Rating: M

→ Zephyr by yeetin. (In-Progress 4/?)

Summary: The breeze that sifted gently through a golden sea of tall, dry grass brought the tiny spike of a different scent. An inconspicuous little prickle down the spine, barely even worth paying attention to. Something no one else would even imagine being able to notice.

But Bakugou did.

→ Objection, Your Honor by Myona. (In-Progress (8/?)

Summary: Shoto Todoroki hated Katsuki Bakugou. And he had plenty of reasons to do so.

But he didn't know that how things can change for the two of them who saw nothing but trouble in each other's presence and life altogether. Katsuki was a trouble from the first time Shoto heard his name, to the first day he met the man.

Rating: E

→ On Hot Blondes and Drunken Hookups by Crossfire. (In-Progress 4/?) I love this so so much.

Summary: “I’m Bakugou. What’s your name, Pretty Boy?”

Shouto looks at the drink in his hand, then back to the beautiful blonde boy, then back to the drink and downs it in one go, ignoring the slight burn as it slides down his throat, and while it would have been more suave to appear unaffected, he gives his head a little shake. He takes a quick breath and forces the words out before he has a chance to realize what a massive mistake this all is.

“Hot blondes I want to bang can call me Shouto.”

→ Tick Tick Boom by Ajaxthegreat. (In-Progress 6/?) THIS is so good, I’m in love.

Summary: An exhausted socially awkward violin prodigy and a deaf punk rock drummer walk into a bar.

→ Better Take a Mental Picture by chibibeeee. This is HOT HOT.

Summary:  The one where Deku watches Bakugou take Todoroki and their exhibitionist kink is unlocked.

→ Cover: Blown by darkanddank. (In-Progress 1/2)

Summary: Some undercover agents got hooked on drugs. Went full Stockholm Syndrome, flipped and joined up with the other side. As Bakugou’s palm went flat over Todoroki’s navel and dove beneath his closed zipper, Todoroki started to understand just how easy it might be to go rogue.

...aka cop Todoroki gets his world rocked so hard by bad guy Bakugou that he has an existential crisis

→ Just One Bite by Crossfire.

Summary: This particular fuckup begins when he saves a cat from a demon in a sketchy alley.

Well, maybe slightly before that when his esteemed hedge-witch mentor turned out to be an incubus who coincidentally turned him and his stupid nerdy neighbor into incubi.

Or maybe when he was born to a non-magic family, but early on developed minor magical inclinations that turned out to be not-so-minor and kind-of-hugely-destructive.

Wherever this fuckup was born, it’s culminated as follows: Bakugou has been an incubus for one hundred and twenty-two days, seven hours, and thirty-six minutes, has not had a single successful feed, and is essentially slowly starving to death. His mentor is suspiciously MIA and that stupid shitty nerd has managed to secure himself a two-person harem so it’s just Bakugou, starving. To death. Slowly.

→ Gangster by Brixxen.

Summary: Bakugou is a detective trying to solve a case that's been open for months. He ends up in a town and meets a man who could be his undoing...

Todoroki wasn't expecting the blonde at the bar to leave him wanting more...

→ How to spend a Friday night by veltana.

Summary: That's how Katsuki ended up on his bed on a Friday night leaning against the headboard with his laptop between his spread legs, his hard dick in his hand, watching Shouto open himself up for him on the screen.

→ Your Turn by doop-doop.

Summary: An extra scene/epilogue/continuation of smd.

Bakugou and Todoroki housesit for Bakugou's parents and take advantage of Bakugou's large bed.

→ Comfort by hellaradholly.

Summary: Katsuki agrees to be Shouto's roommate after UA despite having an unbearable crush on him.a gift for Katie for the BakuTodo Valentine's Day Exchange!

→ Empire of Dirt by castiiron, clairesail. (In-Progress 5/?)

Summary: There was something different about being with Bakugou Katsuki. Something that Shouto had been searching for tonight, to no avail. A consistent burn in his gut, the warmth of a fire that hadn’t been stoked in many years. Katsuki had been inexcusably rough with him. Harsh in a way that had pulled him back to reality. Shouto hadn’t realized he was missing out, being so used to what he knew; going through the motions, a means to an end. His life for the last few years had revolved around mediocre sex as a way to abate constant desire, always at the forefront of his mind.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms are easier to hide when you aren't screwing your ex-classmate.

→ Be Quiet by chibibeeee.

Summary: Katsuki and Shouto stay the night at Deku's. If only they had any self control, then they wouldn't have to keep so quiet.

→ Speak Softly My Sweet Villain by Brixxen.

Summary: Ask anyone in Tokyo and they’ll tell you the same thing. That the No.1 Pro Hero Todoroki Shoto is the perfect hero. He’s kind to everyone, always the first to arrive on a crime scene, always the calm and collected hero everyone wants him to be.

It was ironic how things happened to lead Shoto to his current situation. Him moaning and shuddering like a teenager, clinging to the strong perfect body of the most wanted villain in Japan, Ground Zero.

→ Peanuts and Wolves by cashmeresho.

Summary: “Yeah, man, okay!” The guy holds up his hands in surrender and Shouto shoots him another apologetic look. “I really didn't know you guys were married! I didn't see a ring!”

“Oh,” Katsuki says. He frowns hard for a minute and then grabs Shouto by the arm to whisk him away to his table with Izuku and Kirishima to guard him or sniff him or whatever weird territorial thing he wants to do.

→ College Roommates|BakuTodo by S_Kuro.

Summary: Todoroki is the son of the famous Todoroki Enji, also known as Endeavor, his father is a famous business man that wants Todoroki to take over his business, but Todoroki wants to become a photographer. He goes against his father's wishes and goes to an art university miles away from home. There he meets a certain explosive blonde, who turns out to be his roommate. what sorts of ridiculous shenanigans will they find themselves in and what relationships will they end up in.

a BakuTodo fanfic

This is my first fanfic with these two, so don't judge me and I hope you like it.

→ Locker Room by darkqueen_25.

Summary: There are worse things to walk in on in a locker room, Inasa thinks, than your two new friends fucking against the shower walls.

There's probably nothing better than being asked to join in, though.

[secondgenerationnerd]

Liar

Based off this fic idea I had! Enjoy!

—————

“Morning, pum’kin,” Roy Harper hands his 16 year old daughter a cup of coffee as she comes into the kitchen. Just like him and her mother, Lian’s a zombie before coffee, “How’d you sleep?”

“Not great.” Lian pops a blueberry bagel into the toaster, yawning. “I keep having this weird nightmare.”

“Need to talk about it?”

“Not much to really say.” She shrugs.

“Humor your old man.”

Lian rolls her eyes but turns to lean against the counter, “I’m at our old house. I’m little again and Aunt Donna just left. The house starts shaking and things start falling. I’m running and I’m trying to get out.”

If Lian looked at her father at that moment, she would see the pure devestation on his face. Instead she focuses on her coffee and continues.

“I’m screaming for help, for you to save me. For Mom. A huge clump of the ceiling hits my head and I’m bleeding. I’m trying to find my way out and just before I wake up, I always say ‘Daddy, help me!’” Lian grabs her bagel as it pops out. Roy takes the moment to set his face. “Weird, right?”

“Yeah...Weird.” Roy sips his coffee. “Honey, you’re still coming home before you head to the tower right?”

Lian nods, swallowing her food, “Waiting to get a few emails from Jenn and ‘Nissa on a case.”

“What case?” It’s easy for Roy to change the subject. He’s basically a pro at this point after all they’ve gone through with her mother. Redirect the hurt. Don’t let her mind dwell too long in one spot. As Lian grabs her school bag, he pulls her in for a hug. Doesn’t need to see her face to know she’s rolling her eyes, but she still hugs him back, “I love you, squeaker.”

“Love you too, Dad. See you later!” With that, she’s out the door.

Roy’s still for a moment before he pulls out his phone, dialing a number he only uses for emergencies. 

“Jade? I need to talk to you. It’s about Lian.”

———

Lian gets home to a great surprise that afternoon. Dropping her bag, she rushes to the dark haired adults in the living room.

“Hey, Uncle Jay! Hi, Aunt Donna!” Lian hugs her godparents. “What are you doing here?”

“They’re here to help me talk to you about something.” Roy puts a file on the table.

“What?”

“Come sit down, honey.”

Lian furrows her brows as she sits on the couch with her dad. Jason takes the arm chair and Donna the love seat. “Is everything okay? Did something happen to Mom?”

“No, Li, I talked to your mom earlier. She’s okay and she knows we’re talking about this.” Roy touches the scar on her forehead. “Do you remember how you got this?”

“Fell out of a tree when I was little..” That’s an easy answer. She doesn’t remember it, but Jason always jokes that the ground got the worst end of the deal.

“That’s what we told you, but it’s not the truth.” Roy gestures to the file on the coffee table. “That-that’s the truth of how you got it. The whole horrible truth.

Frowning, Lian opens the file and starts skimming. Female. Roughly four years old. Black hair, brown eyes. Cause of death was internal bleeding. Identified as Lian Alice--

 Lian looks up at her father. The solem look he has makes Lian’s stomach churn, “What I’ve been seeing at night...It’s not a nightmare, is it?”

“No, pum’kin. It’s not.” Roy tries to take her hand, but Lian pulls away from him, getting off the couch. She holds up the file. Her death certificate.

“When were you going to tell me? Were you ever going to tell me?” Her stomach still churns but that’s not what matters.

“I don’t know. You were young when it happened—“

“When I died.” The anger building in her starts to break through, “I died, Dad, and you weren’t ever going to tell me?! What about you two?! Did you know?!”

“I carried your coffin.” Jason understands her anger. He’s felt it.

“How long?!” None of them answer her. “How long was I dead?!”

“11 months, 2 weeks, 5 days.” Roy tries to reach for her hand again. Lian backs up. Her chest rises and falls too quickly for her to really breathe properly.

“I was gone a year?! And you never told me?! Mom never told me?!” Tears blur her vision, “All those fucking lectures about lying and you do this shit?!”

“Lian!” Roy’s off the couch as she heads to the front door, “Squeaker--”

“Don’t call me that!” Her voice cracks, “I hate you!”

She races out the door. She can hear them calling for her, but she keeps running. Running down the street, towards the city. Her lungs burn with each breath she tries to take. In the back of her mind she finds her way to the nearest zeta tube. Typing her number in takes a few tries.

“Lian?” Fuck. They’re early. Or maybe she’s late. She’s not sure. Only that she can’t see through her tears and can’t catch her breath. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Milagro’s voice breaks through her panic, “Roja? Esta bien?”

“No.” Lian falls to her knees, holding her stomach as she sobs. “No, no, no, no, no.”

“Babe?” Jai’s kneeling beside her, heat radiating off him. Why’s she so cold? When did she get so cold? “Lian?”

“I died!” The second she says the words she can’t stop the flood. “I died when I was little!  My dad has my death certificate! That’s where I got my scar! I-I--”

“Hey, hey.” Jai pulls her close, looking up at their teammates. Violent sobs wrack her body. “Lian, it’s--”

“It’s not ok! You’re fucking a zombie, Jai! I’m a freak!” Lian starts dry heaving from sobs. Jai holds her tighter, trying to stop her shaking. It’s Damian that kneels in front of his teammate. “I’m dead! I died!”

“Harper. I’m going to touch your neck. Is that ok?” Damian’s calm voice, even with the irritating use of her last name, makes her nod. Pressing his fingers to her jugular, the team’s silent aside from her cries. “150 beats per minute. You know what that means?”

Lian shakes her head.

“You’re alive, Harper. Having a panic attack but alive.”

“Dad lied.” She whimpers, gripping Jai’s shirt tighter. “Everyone lied to me. Uncle Jason, Aunt Donna, Mom...”

“Yeah. Yeah they did.” Irey kneels beside her boyfriend, with the rest of the team following suit. She takes her friend’s hand in hers, squeezing it tight. “But, you’re here. You’re here, Li. We see you.”

“Why did they lie to me?” Lian lets Mar’i wipe the tears from her cheeks. 

“I don’t know. It might have hurt to say it.” Mar’i’s soft voice helps. “You died. They lost a child. When you came back, they might have wanted to focus on that and not the past.”

“Lian.” Milagro hugs her just as tightly as Jai does. “There’s no easy answer. None. There’s no right or wrong answer. But Irey’s right. We’re not leaving you alone.”

“We love you, Lian.” Colin tells her firmly. “We’re been friends too long for you to get rid of us now.”

They stay where they are for a while. Until Lian stops shaking. Until she stops gripping Jai’s shirt. Damian cancels training for that day, letting the team have a night off. Jai carries Lian to her room, over her weak protests. Thankfully, he sees through them. Setting her on the edge of her bed, with a loving kiss to her forehead, he starts to move away. Lian grips his hand.

“Hey,” Jai crouches down. “I’m just going to call your dad. Let him know you’re safe.”

He hands her one of his t-shirts, “Here, you can put this on. I’ll be right back. I love you, Li.”

“I love you.” Lian watches him leave the room. Removing her clothes, she pulls Jai’s old CCPD t-shirt on. He used to be so scrawny when they were little. Years of training and hero work left him lean, while his genetics gave him broad shoulders. The worn cotton smells like him, raising goose bumps on her cold skin. How did she get lucky enough to fall in love with her best friend. Or to have him love her back. She crawls under the covers. Soon, the chill in her bones starts to fade away. 

“Sorry.” Jai’s back 20 minutes later, carrying a small cardboard box. “Thought you could use some food.”

“Shrimp pad thai?” Lian sits up. He smiles, handing her a few boxes.

“Shrimp pad thai, Shu-Mai, and an order of fried rice.” He turns on her tv, playing one of the dozens of shitty movies she has recorded for date nights. He moves them around, having her lean against his chest, as he opens one of the other boxes to eat.

“...Are you distracting me with food and a movie?”

“It’s not a distraction.” Jai kisses her shoulder. “You learned something horrible today. You had a panic attack. Right now, you need to be kind to yourself. This is just the smallest thing I can do to help with that.”

“Jai...” She sinks against his chest, pressing her cheek to his shirt. Jai presses a kiss her exposed neck, arms wrapped around her middle. “Do you remember me being gone?”

The way he furrows his brows, thinking back to that time, reminds her of that scrawny kid she became friends with. Why they became best friends. Finally, he says, “I remember asking Mom and Dad why you hadn’t come over to play. That Irey and I missed you.”

“What did they say?”

“I don’t remember.” He shrugs. “You haven’t asked about your dad.”

“He knows I’m here?”

“He knows you’re safe. That you’re angry.”

They’re quiet, watching the movie without really taking it in. Empty boxes pile up on the nightstand. Jai falls asleep, snoring into her hair. She trails her calloused finger tips over his hairy chest. Usually, when one of them’s like this, they have sex. An unhealthy coping mechanism, sure, but better than booze or drugs or training so hard that their hands start bleeding. As she plays with his body hair, she remembers how it feels against her skin when they’re together. The feeling of his body against hers. The way it feels when he kisses her, making it impossible to feel anything besides him. 

That’s what they usually do. Not tonight though. Tonight, other than removing her borrowed shirt and laying on his bare chest, she lets him hold her. Let’s his body heat remind her that her teammates were right. 

She’s here. She’s alive.

And what has to happen next, won’t be easy.

[splendidlyimperfect]

Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray's stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn't that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough.

Chapter Summary: Sixteen-year-old Ellie knows that he's really a boy, and he's ready to come out to his best friends.

Chapters (4/21):  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Gray Fullbuster/Original Male Character(s) Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Aftermath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Natsu just wants to help, but Gray feels like he can't leave, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, ftlgbtpride2019

-----

your secret is safe, i won’t say a word

trust \ ˈtrəst noun : one in which confidence is placed

.

i august eight years ago

.

Summer in Magnolia is unbearably hot. The sun is relentless, beating down through the window of Natsu’s dad’s shitty car. There’s no AC, so Ellie has the window rolled down, but the hot, dry air isn’t doing much to mitigate the heat.  

“This car is a piece of shit,” Erza comments from the back seat. Her feet are up on the console between Natsu and Ellie, and she’s holding a chilled can of pop against her cheek.  

Natsu snorts, looking at her in the rearview mirror. “At least I have a car,” he says, tapping on the steering wheel to the beat of whatever song is playing.

“Yeah, a car that’s so ancient it still has a tape deck,” Ellie teases, pulling her hair back into a ponytail. Stray pieces of hair stick to her face, curling in the heat, and the back of her neck itches. She can’t wait to cut it all off.  

Natsu nudges Erza’s feet aside and grabs his can of coke, tipping his head back as he takes a long drink. Ellie tries not to stare at the curve of Natsu’s jaw or the pink of his tongue as he licks his lips. His hair is wild and his skin is tanned, and there’s a light dusting of freckles up his arms and across his cheeks.  

Ellie wants to touch them, wants to trace patterns between each freckle and kiss Natsu’s lips. She thinks about him a lot more than she should, even though it’s hopeless. They’ve been friends for years and it would be weird. Plus, Ellie is pretty sure Natsu is only into boys, and even though Ellie is—

“Yo, Earth to El?” Natsu waves his hand in front of Ellie’s face and she blinks a few times, shaking her head. “You alive in there?”  

“Yeah, sorry,” Ellie says, batting his hand away. “It’s just too fucking hot.”  

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She would have been cooler in the dress she’d worn to church this morning – the red one with the white flowers that her mom likes. But dresses don’t feel right, and as soon as they’d left town, she’d swapped it out for cutoff jeans and an old t-shirt of Natsu’s that he’d left at her house at a sleepover last summer. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, but it’s still Ellie’s favorite shirt.

“It’s awesome,” Natsu protests. He’s always loved the heat, which Ellie doesn’t really mind because it means she gets to see him shirtless a lot. “You guys gonna come swimming? Laxus said the lake’s okay this year.”  

“Maybe,” Ellie says, thinking of the bikini shoved in the bottom of her bag in the trunk and making a face. “You gonna try to drown me again?”  

Natsu snorts. “Don’t act like you didn’t start that,” he says, turning to look at Ellie over the rim of his sunglasses. “You can’t pretend you’re innocent.”  

“I can try,” Ellie replies, sticking her tongue out at Natsu. “Besides, it was Erza’s idea.”  

Erza laughs, reaching forward and tugging at Ellie’s ponytail, but she doesn’t deny the accusation. Ellie grumbles, grabbing one of Erza’s feet and raising her eyebrow with the threat of tickling.  

“Don’t you dare,” Erza says, giving Ellie a half-hearted glare. Natsu tucks his coke back into the console and then leans over, using Erza’s legs as an armrest as he keeps his eyes on the dusty road.  

Ellie sighs happily, looking out the window again and letting the hot air wash over her. The tape deck changes to their favorite song and Natsu cranks it up, tapping out the beat on Erza’s calf as they all begin to sing along.  

i can tell you my love for you will still be strong after the boys of summer are gone  

-----

It seems like everyone from school is at the lake. Laxus is pretty popular and Magnolia’s not a very big town, so the beach is packed. Everyone’s drinking, and a bonfire is roaring even though the sun hasn’t quite set yet. Somebody’s started a volleyball game in the sand nearby, and the sound of their shouting mixes with the waves lapping up against the shore.  

“What’s up, El?”  

Ellie looks up from where she’s sitting in the sand with her feet near the water. She’s been trying to bury her toes in the sand, but every time the waves come up, they wash it away and she can see the chipped pink polish on her nails.  

Erza plops down beside her, beer in hand, and stretches out her legs into the water. The sun is starting to set, and the water on the lake ripples pink and gold. A breeze picks up off the water and Ellie sighs as it cools the sticky heat on her skin.  

“I’m fine,” Ellie says quietly, leaning back on her hands and looking up at the sky. In a few hours the stars will be out, and the three of them will lie on the grass and make up constellations like they’ve done every summer since they met.

“Liar,” Erza says, poking her in the ribs. Ellie swats Erza’s hand away, then grabs the beer out of her hand and takes a swig. It tastes horrible, but it keeps the mild buzz going that she’s been holding on to all night. Ellie’s skin tingles and her head is light, and it makes her feel brave.  

She doesn’t answer Erza’s question, and they sit for a while in silence before the sand next to Ellie is disturbed by Natsu plopping down beside her with a plate of marshmallows.

“Did you win?” Erza asks, taking the least-burned marshmallow from the plate. Natsu pops the blackest one into his mouth and Ellie makes a face.  

“Sort of?” Natsu says, licking the sticky mess off his fingers. Ellie quickly looks away. “Laxus threw Gajeel in the lake, so I think it was a draw.”  

Erza snorts, tipping back the rest of her beer and then settling the bottle into the sand between her and Ellie.  

“What’s up, sunshine?” Natsu asks, nudging Ellie’s shoulder. He kicks up some water and splashes the sand off her feet.  

“She’s being evasive,” Erza answers, and Natsu raises his eyebrow.  

Ellie chews her lip, thinking back to the words she’s been practicing for the past few weeks. She’s been panicking about it for days, but now that she’s here, she feels a strange sense of calm.  

She supposes it’s because she trusts Natsu and Erza with anything.

Ellie picks up a rock from the beach and tosses it into the water, watching the circles ripple out from it before asking, “can I tell you guys something?”  

“Of course,” they say in tandem, and Ellie can feel Natsu’s concerned gaze as he reaches out and takes her hand.  

Ellie takes a deep breath. “I think I’m a boy,” she says.  

The water laps up over Ellie’s ankles, dragging the sand back into the lake. Natsu runs his thumb over Ellie’s knuckles and Erza shifts closer, wrapping her arm around Ellie’s back.  

“Ells,” Natsu says gently. “We already know.”  

Ellie peeks up at him, and finds that she isn’t surprised by the soft expression on Natsu’s face. “S-since when?” Ellie asks.  

“A while now,” Erza says, resting her head on Ellie’s shoulder. “We were just waiting for you to be ready to tell us.”  

Ellie lets out a deep breath, wiping at her face in an unsuccessful attempt to hide her tears. Natsu slips their fingers together and squeezes Ellie’s hand, and they all watch the colors disappear from the lake as the sun slips below the horizon.  

“You want us to call you something else?” Natsu asks eventually. “A different name, I mean.”  

Ellie sighs, digging her – his – toes into the sand again. “No,” he says softly. He wants to say yes – he already knows the name he wants. Gray. He’s wanted it forever, written it in the margins of his journal and traced it in pen on the inside of his forearm. But saying it out loud is terrifying.  

“I don’t want—you can’t tell anyone, okay? My dad can’t know.” Gray tips his head back and stares up at the stars. “I can’t… I’m not ready.”

It feels like everything’s changed, and nothing has.  

“Okay,” Natsu says. “Your secret’s safe with us.”  

-----

The beach starts to get cold not long after sunset, and eventually Erza heads over to the bonfire, kissing Gray’s temple before she leaves. Natsu stays, and they’re still holding hands as they sit quietly under the stars.  

“I’m glad you told us,” Natsu says after a while. He tips his head so they’re looking at each other, and Gray’s face is suddenly hot despite the breeze coming off the water.  

“I’m sorry it took me so long,” he says, trying to push down the desperate bubbling in his stomach. Natsu’s his best friend, and Gray has to stop thinking about kissing him. “It’s not that I didn’t trust you, I just—”  

“It’s okay.” Natsu’s voice is so soft, and Gray is very aware of every place that they’re touching – knees, hips, shoulders. Natsu is warm and comforting, and Gray never wants to leave. “Sometimes being honest is…” Natsu trails off, looking down at the sand and chewing on his lip.  

“Scary?” Gray suggests. They’re so close, and Gray digs his nails into his calf to keep himself grounded, to keep himself from leaning forward and—

“Terrifying,” Natsu whispers before he leans in and kisses Gray.  

Gray’s so surprised that he freezes, and Natsu immediately pulls back, letting go of Gray’s hand as his face turns red.  

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I—”  

Gray reaches out and cups Natsu’s cheek with a shaking hand, then swallows, brushing his fingers through Natsu’s hair. He’s wanted to do this for so long.

“You’re not drunk, are you?” he asks. His heart’s beating so fast he can barely ge the words out. Natsu shakes his head, eyes more serious than Gray’s ever seen him. “You—you want this?”  

“I have for a long time,” Natsu says, running his hand tentatively up Gray’s arm. “Shit, I’m an idiot, I didn’t—it’s not because of what you said, I’ve felt—had feelings for you for a long time, but I didn’t want to fuck things up, and…”  

“Me too,” Gray whispers, cutting Natsu off with a kiss of his own.

It feels so right – Natsu’s tanned skin beneath his fingertips, his hands in Natsu’s hair, Natsu breathing into Gray’s mouth like it’s the only thing keeping him alive.  

Gray ends up on his back in the sand with Natsu hovering over him, kissing him over and over under the thousand constellations in the sky. The bonfire burns bright and the water laps at their feet, and voices shout and murmur behind them over the sound of an acoustic guitar.  

It’s nothing but a backdrop, though, and it all fades away under the thundering of Gray’s heart and the way Natsu’s lips feel against his.  

[bastionkeeper]

Taako has three things he uses to cope.

Fashion.

Food.

And liquor.

Normally just one of these things would suffice on a bad day. 

Get in a fight with a friend? Show up the next day in your dopest outfit and show them how much you literally do not care about their ugly personality.

Heartbreak? Cook yourself a five star meal with a tub of brownie bit ice cream for dessert and eat yourself into a food coma.

Low self esteem and haunting memories of the past? Oh honey, you know you need that fantasy vodka.

Taako sorted his bad days onto a scale of how many coping mechanisms he needed to make it out alive and hoo boy was today ever a bad one.

There he was all dressed up with nowhere to go: thigh high boots and a skirt so temptingly short, that gold crop top Lup always tried to steal from him, he spent an hour on his makeup and no one was even gonna see it.

The kitchen was full of dirty dishes, he’d cooked all his comfort food recipes and gnoshed till he thought he’d burst. 

Then there was the empty booze bottles that rolled around the ground making a sweet windchime serenade of regrets and bad choices.

Taako had died a dozen times or more, lost his memory and his sister, been crushed by a washing machine sized piece of metal, been framed for the deaths of his audience, and that’s not even scraping the top of the trauma table.

So why was his worst day just a regular ol’ Monday afternoon?

He’d woke up in a bad mood, from a dream of being alone. No Lup, no Kravitz, not even Magnus and Merle, Angus and Lucretia and Davenport all gone.

Then he’d been unable to remember if it was him or Lup that stole their first wands, and every time he tried to figure it out he got this thin layer of static as if the voidfish was still blocking him out.

He’d showed up to lunch at the cafeteria (no one had really bothered to leave the base yet, despite the damage that still needed to be repaired after the hunger attack) and had seen his sister and his friends all sitting together, and some little dickass voice in the back of his head had told him he wasn’t welcome at their table.

Maybe it was just that all his bad days had finally caught up to him, or maybe he’d just finally snapped, but either way Taako was having a three full coping mechanism day.

As Taako sat on the couch, his boots up on the coffee table, he heard a familiar noise he recognized as a reaper’s scythe cutting into their plane.

Oh shit he forgot.

“Okay, I know I’m late, I’m so sorry work got super complicated a-” Kravitz paused in his apology, realizing that his foot had made contact with an empty bottle of Fantasy Skky upon entering the room. “...did you start the party without me?”

“Oh shiiiit, Krav, baby I’m...uh...I’m so sorry,” Taako struggled to remember how to talk. “I forgot we had...had...uh...”

“Dinner plans?” Kravitz supplied the words, looking more concerned than offended.

“Yes. That.” Taako clapped his hands together. “Been a real busy day for ol’ Taako. Lotsa...magic stuffs...”

“Taako careful.” Taako hadn’t even realized he’d stood up until Kravitz was at his side supporting him. Maybe he had tripped? He couldn’t remember. He could never remember. Was that the voidfish or was he just a shitty person? Was his mind all fucked up or could he just not be bothered to remember Magnus’s birthday, Lup’s favorite color ,Barry’s middle name?

“Wow, you look....amaziiiiing.” Taako ran a finger down Kravitz’s chest, and remembered his secret fourth coping mechanism: sex.

“I think you should go to bed, honey.” Kravitz stumbled as Taako fell practically onto him, and righted them both with some effort.

“I think you should take me to bed.” Taako took one of Kravtiz’s earlobes in his mouth, teased it with his tongue and gave it a slight nip.

“You know I’d love to....but I don’t think that’s the right idea for tonight,” Kravitz said. Why did he sound so worried? He was about to get the best sex of his life, duh.

“C’mon reaper man, doncha have a boner for me?” Taako tried to slip a hand down Kravitz’s pants, but his boyfriend was quick to grab his wrist.

“Come on, dear.” Kravitz lifted Taako bridal style into his arms. “You need a clear head. You’ll feel better after some sleep.”

“No I won’t!” Taako practically shrieked. “Nothing does it anymore! I can covered myself in gold and fill myself with chocolate and rum and I’ll still remember that I’m heartless Taako! I’m the j-jerk that stole from a k-kid and...and I forgot my sister who was an umbrella...and and I got drunk when I promised my b-boyfriend I’d take him to dinner...” Taako was crying now, so angry with himself. He listed off his offenses: Sazed, Lucretia, Phandolin, and so many many more. Kravitz must have been listening, Taako wasn’t so drunk that he couldn’t see his boyfriend frown, see the creases in his forehead. Still, he dutifully carried Taako back to his room and laid him down on the bed.

He removed his shoes, got a wipe and gently washed off his makeup, he stripped him of his luxurious clothes and left him bare of any masks he might put on.

“No...no, no, no,” Taako kept whining, and sobbing, and beating his fist against the bed. He kept saying it when Kravitz got into bed with him and wrapped a blanket around his sobbing shaking body.

“Don’t take care of me...I d-don’t deserve it.”

“Hush” Kravitz kissed the back of Taako’s head. He turned out the lights and pulled Taako in close to his chest. “You deserve it.”

“No. I don’t. I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve me.”

“I’m making you say that somehow.I ma-manipulated you!”

“No. I love you.”

“You could be a-at dinner, instead you have to be here babysitting me!”

“Hush. Go to sleep. I love you, I love you.”

Taako blubbered for what felt like hours, wishing he could turn around and face Kravitz but too ashamed to. The whole time Kravitz stroked his hair and shushed him and told him he loved him.

Taako didn’t remember falling asleep, but he was grateful to find Kravitz was still there when he woke up.