#these movies weren't made with adult brains in mind

[tetsunabouquet]

Ruby Gillman and what its reception showcases what's wrong with children's media today

Here is the link to the specific reblog that contains both a production fantheory about Chelsea and my initial review for anyone interested in that: https://www.tumblr.com/tetsunabouquet/722833498719879168/alright-considering-the-massive-heat-of-the-past?source=share Alright, as an aspiring children's author and as someone studying writing classes with children's literature as the particular focus, I have made a couple of posts about my issues with children's media already, or rather, the problems with the people making and critqueing it. Ruby Gillman's reception, like the reviews from critics and people who dislike the movie alike, actually showcases multiple examples of what makes so many movies/shows aimed at children or the family, poor nowadays: Ruby has been critiqued for being 'too cute', and that they should just 'embrace the monster'. Only this doesn't work when young children are also part of the target demographic. There's a reason to why bad guys are written to be ugly, and why good guys are written to be good looking: It's that the brain of the average child isn't developped enough to understand nuance. The younger the child, the more you have to REMOVE nuance. That's also why, when Queen Nerissa/Chelsea becomes all-powerful, she becomes ugly. It's because she's the bad guy in that moment. It's why she lacks a sympathetic backstory, as we see with a lot of villains nowadays. It's because, again, the more nuance there is to the character, the less a child will actually understand the character. It's why the Gillmans claim they're from Canada: because I've seen enough of American media to know Canadians are practically treated like another species. To a child, this explanation would actually somewhat work, especially to a 6 year old or younger The adults screaming about that and how anyone can see Ruby isn't human are thinking too much like adults. They don't try to see it from a child's perspective, and that's the main core to all the problems behind children's media nowadays: They don't 'dumb' themselves down enough to the perspective of a young child. When watching the movie, I definitely felt like the Gillman family was also close to its ideal target demographic: families with daughters ranged between 10-13 and younger siblings of about 5+ years old. And it did well for a movie aimed at such a group. It lacked enough nuance for young kids to understand, and the theme of womanhood would speak to pre-adolescent girls. Also, the way the media keeps comparing this to Turning Red because they were both magical metaphors for womanhood and female puberty and speaks of the generations of womanhood is annoying. Are you telling me that with the shitload of movies that America produce per year alone, they never produced 2 animated movies dealing with coming of age and manhood in the span of 16 months? This speaks once again, of how men have difficulty relating to female struggles and will hate on a movie centering girls growing up, opposed to how women have little to no difficulty symphatizing and relating to movies of boys growing up. Boys only want male protagonists, whilst we women can care less. The moment we get even more then one animated movie dealing with the idea of female puberty in the span of two years, the press immediately descends to pit one movie against another. Oh my god, imagine being that pathetic. That wouldn't be me.

[misshoneyimhome]

Okay okay I’m thinking, our angel boy had a big heart and a dense brain - plus he’s Swedish and as a person who has lived in Stockholm for a while moving from North America…getting those boys to a point where you are dating and finally saying the first “I love you” feels like a million years compared to Canadians! So maybe you’re like on the edge because like duh he’s who you see as your life partner and you know I’m your bones you love him but you still haven’t said it after being like 5 months in so you just casually drop it one night lol rip the bandaid off, what’s his reaction? Dealers choice bby😚

Alright, so I was in the mood for something overly candy-cane sweet, and perhaps something that could maybe be close to reality? (I have no idea, but let’s roll with it) 😅❤️ Let me know if this was akin to what you had in mind bb 😉 otherwise, I may have another idea for it

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Three Little Words I William Nylander

One significant aspect that truly appealed to you about your boyfriend, William Nylander, was his serene and easy-going nature.

He hardly seemed bothered by much, perhaps apart from his affection for his dogs, and his relaxed attitude had a way of influencing those around him.

Yet despite adoring this quality about him, it reached a point where it began to frustrate you. While you knew you were in a committed relationship, somehow the weighty words remained unspoken.

And you longed for hearing those words.

Deep within your heart, you acknowledged your love for William. Love. Not mere fondness, not adoration, nor simply enjoying time together - love.

But it was a great phrase to vocalise. At least, for most people that was.

Five months into your relationship, you were desperate to express those sentiments. Yet, for some peculiar reason, a part of you hesitated. Maybe a part of you wished for William to be the first to utter those words, to openly reveal his commitment to you.

Yet, silence prevailed. He said nothing.

William, however, didn't dwell too much on these thoughts.

He simply found immense joy in being in a relationship without an overly dramatic girlfriend, one who'd spark a quarrel if he didn't head straight home after a match or text her constantly while on the road. No, you were different, and he cherished that about you.

You stood by him no matter what, and nothing ever seemed to set off any alarms.

William had been with several girls during his late teens and adult life, but none of those relationships endured. His hockey career consumed much of his time, causing many women to grow weary of his lifestyle. Consequently, he refrained from fully committing when entering new relationships.

However, when he noticed that you weren't easily intimidated by his bustling lifestyle, he immediately felt the urge to keep you close.

And there was no reason for concern. William had captured your heart almost immediately, and you were completely devoted to him.

_

So tonight, you made a mental resolution to test the waters a bit.

During one of your usual date nights on his day off, you had planned to watch a movie together on the sofa after dinner. And this seemed like the perfect opportunity to express your feelings, but it turned out to be more challenging than anticipated.

Throughout the evening, the mere thought of opening up made you incredibly nervous, yet William seemed oblivious to your inner turmoil.

He carried on discussing his training, his preparations for the upcoming match, and how he had honed his skills. His enthusiasm for hockey was endearing.

Initially, he refrained from sharing too much, not wanting to overwhelm you with technical details and descriptions you might not care about. But over time, you had conveyed your enjoyment in listening to him talk about it. Hockey wasn't just a hobby for him; it was his lifestyle and an unfiltered passion to the core. And you simply couldn't help but be captivated whenever he delved into it. His eyes sparkled like Christmas lights, and his words spilled out in sheer eagerness.

It was nothing but adorable.

And as you sat together on the sofa, earnestly trying to focus on your boyfriend's conversation, your mind raced, grappling with how to articulate those three significant words.

Yet, no conclusion emerged.

"Shit," you murmured quietly under your breath.

"What's up, babe?" William asked curiously, but you just shook your head and responded with a sweet 'nothing'.

And after William finished sharing his story, you both switched to watching a movie, settling on the sofa surrounded by your favourite snacks.

The movie was captivating, and soon both of you were engrossed in it. However, when the film's plot touched upon a romantic scene, your initial plan resurfaced.

Summoning a deep breath, you geared yourself up to speak. 'Just get it over with,' you urged yourself. And with William focused on the large TV screen, you softly blurted out, "Willy, I love you."

It felt like a rush of emotions surging out of you as the words left your mouth.

And William was slightly taken aback.

It was a combination of your unexpected choice of words and the abrupt interruption during the movie that left him speechless.

Your expression radiated nothing but sincerity and concern as your eyes searched for any indication of his feelings towards you.

You could almost feel your jaw tightening as he remained silent, his eyes locking with yours for what felt like an eternity, though it was only a few minutes in reality.

But suddenly, he broke the silence.

"You what?"

His tone held neither disgust nor excitement.

"I love you," you repeated softly, this time with a touch more confidence, realising that the words were out and there was no retreat. You felt your body gradually relax, standing by your spoken words with a certainty, irrespective of William's response.

"Babe," William began slowly, "I love you too..."

His voice carried tenderness, yet his facial expression remained inscrutable.

The movie's sound filled the room as both of you sat in silence, eyes fixed on each other.

You studied William's face intently, struggling to interpret his expression, or rather, the absence of one. He maintained a stoic, serious look, but his demeanour seemed calm and nonchalant as always. 

"Do you?" you asked tentatively, prompting a slight shift in William's reaction.

A gentle smile appeared on his face, accompanied by a soft chuckle. "Of course, why wouldn't I?"

His response left you somewhat confused.

"Well, I just didn't know that you did..." you admitted, feeling puzzled by his excessively relaxed reply.

"What do you mean? We've been dating for, like, 4-5 months... you practically live here, and we talk all the time," he grinned broadly.

"That doesn't automatically mean you love me, Willy," you retorted, almost defensively, which only amplified his laughter. "It's not funny! I need to know how you feel."

"Is that why you've been so nervous lately?" His laughter grew louder.

"Well... yeah, maybe... I wasn't sure where we stood, and I wanted to express my feelings. I just didn't know how," you admitted, caught between feeling frustrated by the situation and relieved that it didn't seem to be a significant issue.

"Babe, of course I love you – I know I haven't said it, but that's because I thought you knew..."

His statement took you by surprise. He thought what?

"Willy, darling, how am I supposed to know how you feel if you don't tell me?" you asked, with a nervous grin, causing him to rub his neck as he considered your point.

"I guess... I don't know," he shrugged.

"You do realise I can't read your mind... right?" you lightly chuckled.

"Well, maybe that's a good thing, you know," he joked, shifting his body slightly to draw you closer. "But I do... love you," he added softly, before elaborating. "And I'm sorry if me saying it first meant something to you, but... I've been in relationships on and off for years – and every time I said those words, they'd get all excited... yet a few months later, they were gone anyway. So, I guess I just stopped saying it... in case it wouldn't last."

As William expressed his true feelings, a sense of relief washed over him, leaving you slightly puzzled by his unexpected deep confession.

In fact, you hadn't really considered his perspective on this issue before, but now it all began to fall into place.

"Good," you softly expressed, feeling the weight lift off your shoulders. "And for future reference, please clue me in on what's going on in that head of yours, so I won't be a wreck for weeks," you playfully pleaded.

"Seriously? You've been thinking this over this for weeks?" he chuckled.

"Well... maybe," you grinned. "But that's not the point. What matters is that you promise to share whatever's going on in that sweet little dense brain of yours, no matter what it is."

William couldn't help but smile, his eyes fixed on you, a subtle lick of his lips indicating his amusement.

"Well, maybe, for what I have in mind right now, it's better if I show you instead," he suggested, a mischievous grin spreading across his face.

You couldn't resist a chuckle. "Seriously? I was being romantic, and then you bring in your kinky fuckery," you teased, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, of course, you declaring your love – that's sexy, babe, and now I've got to show you just how much I love you too."

Once more, a gentle sigh escaped you as you chuckled at your boyfriend's words, and tenderly, both of you closed the distance between you, meeting in a heartfelt kiss.

[sjsmith56]

Treatment, Chapter 9 - Eyes of the Father

Summary: Bucky undergoes treatment for his brainwashing in Wakanda. He is given the opportunity to have video calls with Lacey and Tommy.

Length: 4.4 K

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Shuri, Lacey, Tommy.

Warnings: Bucky remembers more. Crying moments. Angst over being a good enough man to be a father.

Author notes: The treatment given to Bucky is not the only focus of this chapter, despite the title. Other authors have done a much better job than I could have detailing their descriptions of Bucky’s recovery. This chapter is more about Bucky dealing with the consequences of his involuntary actions and the relationship that Bucky and Lacey form over their calls, along with the growth of Tommy.

<<Chapter 8

🛖 💻

Unlike the cryostasis forced on Bucky by HYDRA he found that his treatment in Wakanda allowed for his mind to remain somewhat aware but not completely alert.  It was like a dream state where he relived memories of his childhood, youth and adult life before his "death."  Every day there were new memories that seemed to come out of nowhere, including several sexual encounters.  As they came up he wondered if his body was frozen enough to keep down his reactions to his pre-war sex life which had been active.  His most emotional memories were those with Steve Rogers, starting when he was a sickly boy who was bullied mercilessly but still tried to stick up for himself.  Memories of them going to the movies, or going out to Coney Island often replayed in his mind.  It took some time reliving those memories before Bucky realized the Wakandans were retrieving the memories from whatever dark recesses in his mind they had hidden during the memory suppression treatments by HYDRA.  It didn't bother him.  In fact it brought him relief and some measure of happiness that the memories weren't completely lost.  It meant his brain was healing bringing him back to feeling human again. 

Before they put him under he was informed he would be awakened from cryostasis so that Princess Shuri could speak to him directly and assess his progress.  The first time they awakened him was somewhat confusing when he opened his eyes, unsure of what memory this was when he realized he was actually awake and not frozen.

"Is it finished?" he asked, making eye contact with the young scientist.

"Not yet, Sergeant Barnes," she said in her pleasant voice.  "This is just a little respite from the treatment, an opportunity to have a face to face conversation with you.  How do you feel?"

"Hungry," he said, quickly.  "May I have something to eat?"

"Certainly," she said.  "You may feel a little unsteady at first when you try to walk.  This is completely normal.  Put this robe on, in case you feel a little cool." She handed him a robe but didn't offer help in putting it on, wanting to see how he handled it.  "Follow me."

Bucky looked at the robe unsure how he was supposed to put it on.  Then placing the collar in his mouth, he grasped it with his teeth as he threaded his good arm into it.  Shaking the other part of the robe over his artificial shoulder cap he pulled it close with his hand then clumsily and loosely tied it.  He was shaking a little from the exertion but Shuri seemed satisfied with his effort and led the way to an eating area where a table was set for both of them near another table laden with food.  She offered him no assistance in filling his plate or glass, but helped herself then patiently waited while he put his plate down, spooned food onto it, then picked it up and brought it to their table.  Noticeably there was nothing that needed to be cut and she made a note that the next time he ate there would only be food that had to be cut.  Once he was seated she began to eat and looked at him thoughtfully.

"Is there anything you would like to ask about your treatment so far?" she asked.  "You have been in a semi-aware state throughout so you should remember much of what went through your mind."

"You've been looking for my memories from before the war," he stated. "I'm glad they weren't completely destroyed.  Does that mean my brain is healing?  How do you do it?"

"There are many theories of where memories are stored," she replied.  "For a long time scientists believed memories were stored in the synapses, which is a junction between two nerve cells in the brain.  Your synapses were destroyed by the treatment HYDRA performed on you, leading them to believe they had completely destroyed who you were, making you a blank slate they could overwrite, creating new synapses with their programming.  This was proved incorrect when you recognized Steve Rogers, even though it was just an echo of a memory.  It was enough to make you remember again as your old synapses began rebuilding themselves."

"So where are the memories located?" he asked.

"That is still up for debate," she replied.  "We believe they are stored in the neurons, or brain nerve cells themselves but access to them is controlled by the hippocampus, located deep in the brain and the neocortex in a sort of dance where they coordinate how those memories emerge.  Right now we are trying to stimulate your synapses which were destroyed to rebuild themselves.  This has resulted in the memories which you are apparently experiencing while in cryostasis."

He nodded, finishing the food on his plate.  "Excuse me," he said, and took his plate back to the food table, adding new items to it and bringing it back. 

He also poured himself a glass of water and brought the glass over.  This time there were items that needed cutting and he tried using the edge of the fork on them at first.  Some of the foods surrendered to the edge of the fork but the ones that didn't were not easy to cut when Bucky attempted it.  Putting the fork into one of them Bucky grasped the fork with his mouth, anchoring it then used the knife to cut several pieces before transferring a piece to his mouth.  Shuri smiled.  Apparently he had figured it out.

"You seem to have learned how to feed yourself with one hand," she pointed out.  "That's impressive."

"I have no choice," he replied.  "Until I get another arm I have to adapt.  What memories will you be accessing next?"

"We will be accessing your memories while you were in HYDRA's control," she admitted.  "We don't do this lightly.  We feel it is important for you to know exactly what was done to you.  You have already indicated you remember all your kills so we won't access those until we start treating your post traumatic stress disorder, commonly called PTSD.  In your day they called it shell shock or battle fatigue.  Any trauma, not just war related, can cause the disorder, so the name is now more all-encompassing.  When you are experiencing those memories it is important for you to remember that you are no longer in danger, that you are in control of your life.  You are amongst friends, Sergeant Barnes."

He nodded then he thought of another question.  "How long have I been in cryostasis so far?" he asked.  "Will you be accessing the activation words during this next session?"

"Four months," replied Shuri, then she chose her next words carefully.  "We already have a record of the activation words, from the HYDRA book that was confiscated from Helmut Zemo.  We believe it is not enough to destroy the synapses from the neurons that hold that information.  We have to render their association to the words meaningless and that is something we are still working on.  I cannot say with certainty we will be accessing and excising them at this time."

"Okay, I'm full now," he said, standing up.  "I assume I am going back into cryostasis after this meal.  Should I go back to the chamber?"

"Not yet," said Shuri.  "Come outside with me."

She led him outside into a garden.  It was full of beautiful trees and plants, many in full bloom.  They walked without talking for some time and Shuri occasionally stopped to breathe in the scent of a flower, encouraging Bucky to do the same.  As he visibly relaxed she sat down and pulled out a tablet from a slot in the side of the bench.

"I thought you might like the opportunity to speak with Miss Williams and your son," she said.  "At a later point in your treatment you will experience memories of your brief time with her.  Every moment of contact with them is precious and we are certain they will be an important part of your healing process.  I can set up the call then leave you with some privacy."

He nodded and watched with interest as Shuri made the connection before handing the tablet to Bucky.  It was small enough for him to hold comfortably in his hand but large enough that he could see everything in detail.  The Wakandans must have told Lacey they were planning this as she answered immediately and had Tommy with her.  Bucky felt his throat constrict when he saw his son for the first time.  Even Lacey looked wonderful and he coughed a little to loosen his throat before speaking.

"Hi," he said, then he looked away, getting his emotions in control.

"It's okay," she said sympathetically.  "First time seeing this little guy is bound to make you emotional.  Tommy, this is Dada.  Can you wave?"

When Lacey said the word Dada, Bucky did lose it and he wept openly, putting the tablet down on the bench.  He used the loose sleeve of his robe to wipe his eyes and nose before he picked up the tablet again.

"Sorry," he apologized.  "I wasn't expecting that reaction.  He's so beautiful.  Hi Tommy, I'm your dad."

Tommy looked at Bucky and put his hand on the screen.  "Dada," he said in his baby voice. 

Bucky wept again but regained his composure quickly.  "I'm not like this usually," he stammered.  "He's just so beautiful." 

"He's growing like crazy," said Lacey.  "He's been walking for a while and I've caught him climbing on top of things he shouldn't."

"You think he has super soldier blood in him?" asked Bucky.

"I think so," she replied.  "I wish there was a way to confirm it but he's early on a lot of things so it's likely."

"I wish I was there to see all this and be with you both," he said with a yearning.  "I'm sorry I missed his first birthday."

"That couldn't be helped,"  answered Lacey.  "I understand.  It's more important for you to get better first.  Having this video call helps, a lot.  He has Uncle Clint and Aunty Laura here as well."

"You're staying with him?" asked Bucky.  "That's good.  He's a good asset, shit I hate that word.  Sorry, language.  We barely talked when he came to Germany to help but I was impressed with his fighting and appreciated his sacrifice so Steve and I could get away."

"He thinks you're a good fighter as well," smiled Lacey.  "He's on house arrest so his wife, Laura, is keeping him very busy.  The FBI agent that was on my brother's case is Clint's minder.  I thought he was a jerk before but he's grown on me, in the sense that he knows you were tortured into being the Soldier.  He's pissed off at the CIA for letting you hang in the wind while HYDRA tortured you."

"Every bit helps I guess," he said.  "Any other news?  Written any new books?"

"Haha, no," she laughed.  "My second book is on its second printing though.  More royalties for me.  I have an idea for another book but until Tommy is a little older it will have to remain in the planning stage."

Both remained silent for several minutes having exhausted their small talk and unwilling to talk about their feelings.  Then Bucky looked at her intently.

"You've barely changed," he said softly.  "Your hair is still a mess but it's a good mess.  You're really tanned.  Does Clint live at the beach?"

"No, he's a farmer," said Lacey.  "It's kind of grown on me.  I might buy a farm when it's safe to do so.  That's why my hair is a mess.  Riding the tractor shakes it loose."

"You know I'm a city boy," he said.  "Brooklyn born and raised.  I'm not sure I would know what to do on a farm."

"You could learn," replied Lacey.  "It's just hard work really.  It's quiet and the sunsets are incredible."

"I'd be willing to give it a try," said Bucky softly.  "Ease into it."

This time when they were quiet it was with a smile on their faces.  Laura looked off to the side for a moment then back at the screen. 

"I guess I have to go," she admitted.  "Any idea when we can talk again?"

"A few months is my guess," answered Bucky.  "They're starting the second phase of my treatment.  I'm glad we talked.  You do look beautiful and so does Tommy.  Give him a kiss for me, will you?  I would give you one if I was there.  You know, I meant to give you a better goodbye at your place but knowing those scum were in the living room I just couldn't.  I've regretted that ever since."

"I wish you had as well," she replied softly.  "Take care of yourself Bucky.  You mean a lot to us, both of us."

"I will," he replied just as softly.  "You take care of yourself and Tommy."

The picture cut out and he whispered.  "I love you."  Within seconds Shuri was beside him and he handed her the tablet.  "Thank you, I needed that," he said sincerely.

She nodded and escorted him back to the medical lab.  After a trip to the bathroom, Bucky removed his robe and stepped back into the cryostasis chamber.  He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and the chamber closed, returning him back to a frozen state.  Shuri gave the order that there be no treatment that evening so that he could reminisce on the video call with his son and the boy's mother.  She wanted him to have that much.

It was good that Shuri had given Bucky a heads up of the second phase of his treatment.  Although he remembered every assassination kill he didn't remember much of what HYDRA did to him from the time he was found barely alive in that rocky crevasse to the last memory treatment he was forced to undergo in Washington, D.C. before HYDRA was exposed.  To call it brutal would be an understatement and Bucky felt pure fury for most of it.  He was never viewed as a human being.  Rather he was an object, a weapon for them to control.  The complete lack of empathy and decency in what they forced upon him was hard to take but he understood it was necessary for him to know. 

What was worse for him was his role in many destabilizing events in world history.  Assassinations and terrorist activities made up the majority of his existence as HYDRA's tool.  They farmed him out to many terrorist organizations, using his abilities to enrich themselves.  By the time he was awakened, Bucky felt angry but also ashamed and disheartened at how he had been used.  This time, Shuri gave him his robe and helped him on with it then sat him down in an office in the medical lab.

"So much evil was done with my hands," said Bucky, frowning and looking at the floor.  "So much death; more than the assassinations which I remember."

"It is true," she said.  "You were their puppet and they manipulated you to do their bidding.  Why do you think they wiped these memories from your mind?"

He looked at her blankly.  "I don't know," he admitted.  "They made sure I remembered the assassinations but I killed so many more people as a terrorist."

Shuri brought up some documents on her computer and turned them towards him.  They were in Russian but said she had translated versions if he wanted to see them in English.

"I can read Russian," he replied.  "What are these?"

"Decrypted HYDRA files," she said.  Then she pulled some sheets of paper towards her and began to read them.

March 1, 1951. Asset has returned from mission to Korea.  Severe arm damage caused by American super soldier.  Asset fixated on nationality of American targets killed prior to arrival of American super soldier.  Refused to take orders from handler.  Refers to self as a traitor to his country.  Finally restrained Asset and sedative given.  Recommend full memory wipe prior to cryostasis.

April 22, 1953.  Asset performed bombing of market in Pakistan as ordered.  Refused to return with handler and insisted on helping search for wounded.  Handler had to hit Asset with car to knock him out and bind him.  Upon recovery at lab Asset resisted memory treatment.  ECT was applied to render Asset more cooperative.  Recommend memory wipe after every mission involving multiple casualties to lessen original protective nature of Asset.

"Shall I go on?" she asked.  "You retained your protective nature. These are the two earliest instances of it but it came up repeatedly.  Your true nature to protect people came up every time and they wiped your mind continually to try and remove it but it just wouldn't take.   It came up every time."

"I still did it," he said dully.  "It never stopped me from doing those evil things."

"No, it didn't," she said.  "But you fought them every time and you wore them down as much as they wore you down.  They resorted to extreme measures to make you do these things.  Another one of these files tells of you being tortured prior to placing a bomb on a train in South Africa.  I don't even want to read out loud what they did to you to make you compliant.  It's likely why they started to put you into cryostasis between missions."

"How am I supposed to accept that I killed hundreds of people?" he asked plaintively.  "The assassinations I could rationalize that in the big scheme of things it wasn't a lot of people.  But these killings ...."

"You start by accepting," said Shuri softly.  "More importantly you remind yourself of what you vowed since you escaped from them."

He looked at her, his face stricken, and then he nodded his head.  "Never to kill again," he whispered, then he began to weep, and sob as he mourned the people whose deaths he had been responsible for.  It was a bitter pill for him to swallow that there would be no redemption for these deaths, just the knowledge that terrible things had been done to him first to make him perform those evil tasks.  Shuri said nothing while Bucky dealt with the revelations of his other activities.  She pulled the tablet out but he looked at it and shook his head.

"No, I can't talk to them," he insisted.  "Not now that I know the true extent of my activities as a killer.  They deserve better than me."

"They deserve to speak with the man who cares about them," said Shuri, "and who care about him in return.  The boy who has the eyes of his father, deserves to know that man now, the man who loves him even though he has only seen him on a computer screen."

Bucky drew in a strangled breath, wanting so desperately to see them again but fearful that his murderous past would be known to them. 

"What if they find out about the terrorism and they reject me?" he asked.  "I wouldn't blame them if they did but I can't allow myself to love them if they throw it back in my face later that I killed hundreds."

"Miss Williams already knows," said Shuri gently.  "She asked for the translations we made of the decrypted files.  To her they are not evidence of your crimes but proof of the crime that was perpetrated against you by HYDRA, the CIA, and any other intelligence agency that knew about you and did nothing.  In her eyes that was the true crime against humanity when they failed to protect a single man."

Bucky gasped and tears formed in his eyes at the realization that Lacey knew it all and still wanted him.  His whole body trembled at the thought of not just her but others who had helped him knowing the truth and still choosing to support him.  It was overwhelming to him and he found it difficult to say anything.

"Let us have our meal first," suggested Shuri.  "Afterwards, we can smell the flowers again and you can speak to your beloved then."

He looked Shuri in the eye at the use of the term "beloved", but it was true.  He did love both Lacey and Tommy, not just in the romantic sense for Lacey, but in the sense they were both important to him.  Nodding his assent the two went to the private eating area with the food laden table and Bucky ate his fill.  After they went to the garden and without prompting he stopped of his own accord to smell the flowers and fill his senses with their scents.  When he felt ready he told Shuri and she set up the video call.  Before she connected he looked at her.

"How long since the last call?" he asked.

"Four and a half months," she replied.

The connection was made and Lacey's face appeared, a face that showed her concern when she saw his.  "Hi Bucky." She greeted him gently.  "How are you?"

"A little down in the dumps," he answered truthfully.  "I learned the true extent of my activities and it's hard to accept."

"I wish I could be there to put my arm around you and tell you that what matters is the man you are now," she replied.  "It probably seems hollow coming over a computer screen."

"Not when it's coming from you," he stated, trying to smile.  "You still thinking I'm worth waiting for?"

"Oh yes," she said, her face beaming.  "Definitely.  Shuri told you I've been reading the decrypted files?"

"Yeah, she told me."  He coughed and looked out at the garden.  "Where's Tommy?"

"He's here."

The image changed to show his son running in circles on the grass with another little boy.  They would run around each other then fall to the grass and giggle. 

"He has a friend?" asked Bucky.

"Clint's youngest, Nathaniel," replied Lacey.  "He's a few months older.  They're good buddies.  Tommy, come say hi to Daddy."

The little boy came up to the cell phone and Lacey changed the view again as Tommy leaned against her.  He looked at Bucky then at Lacey. 

"Say hi," she encouraged him gently.

"Hi, Daddy," he said then suddenly leaned forward and kissed the screen.

Bucky laughed.  "Hi buddy," he replied.  "You're getting to be such a big boy."

Tommy leaned into Lacey's chest and looked at Bucky from the safety of that comforting spot.  "We had a late surprise Christmas gift delivered and installed on your behalf,"  said Lacey.  "I figured Shuri sent it while you were in cryostasis."

"What was it?" Bucky asked as Shuri never mentioned it.

"An outdoor play set," said Lacey, changing the view again to show a play set with slides, swings and ladders.  "He loves it.  It was a thoughtful gift."

"I'll make sure to thank her," said Bucky.  "Lacey, how do you feel about me?"

His question rattled her and she didn't answer for a moment.  "What do you mean?" she countered with a question.

"I think it's a pretty straightforward question," he replied.  "Do you love me?"

"We hardly know each other," she said in almost a whisper.

"Do you love me?" he asked again, his eyes intense.  "Yes or no."

"Bucky ...," she looked scared.  "You're asking ...."

"I'm asking if you love me," he said, softer now.  "I know we only had a night together but I never stopped thinking about you.  Every time I've seen you on this tablet I've felt better seeing your face and I long for the day when I can hold you again.  So, if you want to know how I feel before you answer me ... I think I love you."

Her face betrayed her before her words came out.  He read relief, gladness, and acceptance all in the few seconds before she spoke.  "I never stopped thinking of you either," she admitted.  "I do love you.  It goes against everything I thought how love happens but I do.  I think of us together, raising Tommy, having other kids.  It's all so wishful but then I ask myself what's wrong with that.  What's wrong with loving someone who made such an impact on me in such a short time?  The answer is nothing is wrong with that.  I'm yours, Bucky."

"I'm yours also," he replied.  "No matter what, I'm coming back to you and Tommy, even if it takes years and I lose hope sometimes.  Someday, I will show up on your doorstep and I will be home for good, because home is where you and Tommy are.  Don't ever forget that."

"I won't," she said.  "I love you Bucky, fully and completely." 

Her face was alight now and he realized she had kept her love hidden before, fearful that he didn't feel the same.

"I love you, Lacey," he replied.  "Just as fully and completely."

This time Lacey kissed her fingertips and blew him a kiss.  He caught it and pressed his fingers to his lips.  Then he disconnected and sat back, feeling hopeful.  Shuri approached and he looked gratefully at her.

"Thank you for sending the play set for Christmas," he said.

She looked confused.  "I don't know what you're talking about," she said.  "We sent some toys but not a play set."

"Lacey said ...," said Bucky, then corrected himself.  "Someone sent a play set but didn't acknowledge it was them.  Who would do that?"

"Who indeed?" replied Shuri.  "Are you ready to return to cryostasis?  We believe we have the procedure set that will remove the influence of the words from your mind.  It's going to take some time and we will have to test you when you are conscious to confirm it worked but we will worry about that when we have completed the procedure."

"I'm ready," said Bucky.  "Let's get this done."

He handed her the tablet and followed her back to the lab, stopping at the bathroom first.  Shrugging off his robe he stepped into the chamber and smiled at Shuri before closing his eyes and waiting for the chamber to close.  His faith in her was absolute and he knew that when he came out next time he would be a changed man.

Chapter 10>>

Series Masterlist

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[fluffygreenkoala]

I just wanted to share my own love letter to Spider's character and explain why (in my opinion) he chose to do what he did in the finale. (Will be taking info that was shared in the Avatar comics like The High Ground other than Atwow).

So, we know he's Quaritch's son (who probably knew of his existence but didn't care enough to try and locate him/know about how he was doing) and Paz's, a soldier deceased during the attack to Hometree in the first movie. We see him under the care of the scientists (Max and Norm in particular) and in the comics his adoptive parents, the McCoskers, get a couple of panels to let us know they exist.

But that's basically it. They are there, they do not actively engage in Spider's growth and development, they do not seek to actually form a parent-child bond with him, not going by what is shown in either the comics and the movie.

So, Norm and Max (+ the scientists) do their best to look out for him but ultimately have other things to do and the McCoskers -his adoptive parents, hold that role which is, in the end, only a facade. They do not act negatively towards him but they do not express a strong will to *want* to engage and have him with them.

Which other adult figures does Spider have in his life that he could turn to?

Oh! Jake and Neytiri.

Buuuuuuut here's the issue: Spider is the son of the man ultimately recognized as the greatest human foe to all of the Na'vi, and to Neytiri he's also the one who robbed her of her ancestral home AND killed her father/sister. So we can cross her out of the "empathically willing to get involved and understand Spider" list.

Who's left? Jake.

But Jake is shown as battle hardened and over protective in a not exactly good telling manner towards his own kids, and he himself calls Spider "not one of the family, more like a stray cat.".

And there is this underlining look-down feeling to how Jake references Spider's species and being human as if that simple fact the boy couldn't change was enough to eclipse all the good in Spider's existence.

Before his capture from the RDA squad, he was shown to have an extremely good relationship with the Sully children, to be extremely in tune with Pandora (and possibly, if it is explored in the next movies, Eywa), to be protective and caring towards their wellbeing and happiness.

While he is in captivity he undergoes TORTURE. His brain is put on display to strangers who seek to locate those people he admires and grew up wanting to resemble, he is tied and immobilized as they probe his mind for information for who knows how much time and he gives them NOTHING; it's highlighted how much his body was put through by his nose bleeding and his paleness and short breath once Recomb Quaritch stops the machine.

Remember that he's sixteen.

And he cried for the Tulkun mother being killed right in front of his eyes, screamed and cried for the Ta'unui villagers when they were endangered and was ultimately the reason they weren't wiped out. Even as he was burnedened with one more reason to hate himself than he shouldn't have to shoulder: the Recomb squad making him feel like they were there because he didn't give information and they HAD to do this instead to get info.

So now, knowing that he's been neglected his whole life, never had a real parental figure, never had that affection any human needs and deserves to receive while growing up (save for sweetness by Kiri and possibly Tuk but that's different), wasn't looked out for regarding whether he was well, whether he was ill, well fed, had nightmares, could take care of himself, knew how to hunt and track possible enemies, that no one made his songchord to celebrate his birth and achievements and are able to see beyond his dismissive shrugs and melancholic smiles, let's ask ourselves: was Spider saving his father's Avatar a completely aware choice or was it the product of his intrinsic compassionate personality and the abuse he's undergone in the months of his captivity (because yes, Cameron confirmed in an interview he spent MONTHS there), knowing that he wouldn't be rescued and could only deny the information they were holding him captive for and hurting him?

Knowing he'd have died for Kiri in the end even if Neytiri was bluffing (which I doubt she was, but still) because that's who he is. Who he was made to become because of the lack of basic things being offered to him and him seeing a shred of decency and care in the one person he hates and caused SPIDER to be loathed for things he couldn't help -his species and his father.

So yes, we need to take all of this into consideration when dealing with this character who, in my opinion, is the most innocent victim in the entire Atwow movie and Athg comics.

#LetSpiderSocorroBeHappy

[justahopelessaromantic]

Close in Comfort

Fandom: Be More Chill Ships: Arson Bros (Richjake) Summary: Then Rich came into his life. And everything went to shit.

Jake didn't know when it started.

Maybe it stemmed from the example his parent’s violent and illegal lifestyle set. Maybe something happened when he was a kid. He vaguely recalled rubbing his eyes and yawning as he crept down the stairs to ask his parents if he could sleep with them that night after a particularly bad dream when he was 3 before ending up with a black eye and a cracked skull from the fight in the living room, resulting in his parents fretting over him for over a week and vowing to never bring work home again (Ironic, seeing that baby Jake didn't mind and, as a matter of fact, thought sporting the scar and bruise look made him hella badass.) Maybe the hit did damage to his brain and that did it. Maybe he was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe it was the overwhelming ache that confronted him every morning and insisted on lingering with him almost every day, telling him that something desperate to his worthwhile survival (though he could never tell what) was missing. Maybe that was a symptom and not the cause.

What he did know what that he’d always been different from the other kids. And, yeah, he knew how incredibly cliché that sounded, but it was true! Sure, stuff like taking in interest in more violent hobbies as a child, such as tackle football, plucking the legs off of bugs whenever he spotted one, and roughhousing with the neighbors’ kids seemed normal enough, but a people person like him found it obvious that most toddlers weren't too thrilled by sneaking into their baba’s room and bingeing gory horror movies until his dad scooped him up and playfully dumped him into his bed, not even bothering to scold the giggling child for staying up so late or his viewing material.

That paled in comparison to the darker stuff he would get up to later though.

Throwing rocks at his neighbor's windows, subconsciously hoping the glass shards would cut them as they walked past it. Swinging his bat at the other team’s members when he lost a game and doing a disturbingly major amount of damage. Biting the kids on his block if they got under his skin. All of it concerned the adults in his life (save for his parents who only insisted it was simply a sign of the phenomenal criminal he would grow up to be) and himself. He developed a base sense that none of it was normal, despite in how right and natural it all felt.

Over time, his peers began avoiding him and his teachers began reprimanding him before his parents had the chance to blackmail them not to, so, to remedy the sting of his loneliness and harsh criticism, he bottled up those impulses deep down and made an effort to behave the best he could, gaining praise and popularity in the process. After the image of resident good boi Jake had been cemented, he figured he could handle it. That he could be a normal kid.

Then Rich came into his life.

And everything went to shit. 

He didn’t pay much mind to Mrs. Mell’s announcement of a new student. At best, he’d have a new friend, which didn’t mean much, considering his surplux of friendships at the time. At worse, there’d be another kid copying off his tests in class. Yet, as he leaned against the playground’s fence pouring water on an ant farm and gossiping with Jenna while a particularly rowdy squabble spilled out of the courtyard and into the sand box, Jake took the time to squint and tilt his head to get a better view of the fight. And their he was. The new kid, drenched in bruises and fat tears spilling down his face, wildly swinging and clawing at his aggressors in a pathetically vain attempt to feign them off.

And yet, somehow, in his chaotic state, he still came off as the most gorgeous person Jake had seen. It was as if, suddenly, everything had clicked into place and the empty hole inside himself was filled instantly as waves of tranquility washing over him the more he stared at him. Like everything was right with the world and nothing else mattered as long as this kid was ok.

Maybe that explains why he felt such an intense, burning desire to protect him.

Tuning out his friend’s cries of confusion and throwing himself into the fray, Jake managed to scar each bully either mentally or physically, sending them running and/or crying. Swiping up the sky blue glasses on the ground, he slowly bent down and gingerly placed them back on the new student’s head, wide brown eyes hiding behind now slightly cracked frames locked with his in a way that made him feel things he couldn’t put into words even if he tried as he offered a soft smile and brushed a few tears away.

“Hi! My name’s Jake. What’s yours?”

“...Richard.” He muttered, shrinking back into himself and picking at a scratch one of the other kids left. Guess he wasn’t much of a conversationalist. Oh well, he could work with that.

“You got a really pretty name, Richard. It fits ‘cause you’re a really pretty guy.” He held out his hand and helped the now red-faced kid back up, almost falling down himself from the sheer shock of holding hands before tugging on his sleeve. “C’mon, I’ll show you where the nurse’s office is!” Fiercely shaking his head, Rich stumbled back as he...trembled? What was that about?

“Nuh-uh, can’t!”

“Why not?”

“‘Cause than they’ll see the scars and then they’ll get mad at my Daddy and take him away again and it’ll be all my fault!” He cried as he furiously scrubbed away tear streaks and dug his nails into his arm, unintentionally drawing blood from a fresh cut. Acting on impulse, Jake swept up his new friend in a tight hug and explained that he swore he wouldn’t let that happen, added how they couldn’t do that anyway ‘cause Rich getting hurt “is, like...illegal or something!”

“Promise?” He sniffed.

“Promise.”

And with that, the two were off, running back to their classroom and leaving a pack of jerks and one immensely confused Jenna behind them.

[bubblesandgutz]

Every Record I Own - Day 784: Neutral Milk Hotel On Avery Island

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea knocked me off my axis when I first heard it in 1998. The music alone was like discovering a whole new planet, and to then discover that the Neutral Milk members were a part of a collective of bands under the Elephant 6 Recording Company was like discovering a whole new universe. It was tough tracking down the other band's records in that pre-internet era, but I grabbed what I could. While there were certainly fascinating things happening in that solar system, I kept gravitating back to Neutral Milk Hotel.

On Avery Island didn't reprogram my brain the same way Aeroplane did, but maybe that's because I was already on the Elephant 6 wavelength when it came into my collection. While it didn't instantly floor me in the same manner, if you had asked me which NMH album was better back 1999, it's entirely possible I would've answered with On Avery Island. I remember dubbing this LP onto a cassette that I'd take with me to my summer job of cleaning up campus housing at my college back in May '99. On the flipside of the tape was the final mix of Botch's We Are the Romans, which we had just finished tracking up in Seattle. As I was going through all those students' houses, cleaning up the junk they'd jettisoned in the rush to leave for summer break, I'd switch back and forth between this strange little world concocted by a bunch of weirdo college kids on the opposite end of the country and our own little musical vision from our lonesome corner of the Northwest.

While I've familiarized myself with Aeorplane to the point where I've drained it of a little bit of its magic, I still feel immediately transported back to that summer of 1999 whenever I listen to On Avery Island.

I owe a hat tip to @axelrod for reminding me about the Elephant 6 documentary yesterday, which I watched last night. It was an inspiring movie that reminded me of all the beauty and excitement of being at that age where you're out on your own, free of larger adult responsibilities, and finding your tribe of like-minded artists. The Elephant 6 collective did an amazing job of creating their own little universe, both in terms of the psychedelic music they made, but also as far as cultivating their special cultural enclave. One thing that kept coming to mind while watching the movie was how that specific kind of magic will likely never happen again. It was an era of cheap rent where you could work a part time service industry job and survive. You didn't have a cellphone to distract you, so your social time involved hanging out with your friends. You weren't bombarded by entertainment, so you and your friends were constantly making art with no hopes of a larger audience other than the people you hung out with on the weekends. And even beyond that, your access to music was so limited that you were actively engaged in your local scene and listened to your friends' records over and over and over again.

That last point was one that really stuck with me while watching the documentary. My listening habits have expanded dramatically in the last twenty years, and that craving of new music has increased even more in the era of streaming. But I worry about losing some sense of forming a deeper connection to new music and creating that mental bond where an album can transport me to some other time and place, keeping me tethered to some aspect of my past. Will I ever listen to a new record as much as I listened to the two Neutral Milk Hotel albums? Do I have that kind of bandwidth considering the volume of new music coming out in any given week?

I must have listened to On Avery Island hundreds of times, and it's fully woven into my synapses in such a way that whenever I hear it, I'm twenty-one again, just finished with an academic year with the whole summer ahead of me, with a new album by my band all wrapped up, feeling nothing but optimism for the future. And it's ultimately that kind of connection that I want out of all music.

[redrikki]

Now that I've finally finished the Netflix Avatar and have had a bit of time to reflect, I'm ready to share my thoughts.

As adaptations go, it was worlds above the Movie, but not quite as good as the Boy in the Iceberg. It's impossible to say on account of how the original series re-wired my brain, but I think I would have enjoyed it as a stand-alone series if I'd never heard of the original.

Overall, I really liked the casting and thought the actors had some pretty great chemistry together. The folks playing Zuko and Iroh really sold me on their relationship, as did Katara and Sokka's actors. The boy who played Aang did a really good job, but his relationship with Katara and Sokka never came off as anywhere near as close as it did in the cartoon, but I suspect a lot of that came from the fact some of their most touching moments weren't included in the live action.

Over all, the effects were really good (except Momo). Fight scenes were brilliantly choreographed and the integrated the bending effects well. On the other hand, the show runners were a little too focused on showing off in ways that were, I thought, a detriment to the emotional weight of things. For example, the Air Nomad genocide scene felt so focused on the spectacle of the violence and cool bending techniques that the actual horror of it fell flat.

The characters in the live action were very different people than the cartoon, especially the core three. It's like the writers read every internet complaint about Aang, Katara, and Sokka and decided they would be more likable if all of their flaws were removed in favor of more (or different) angst. And, to be fair, they altered their backstories enough that their very different personalities made sense in context, but it still...How do I put this? An adaptation, like any fanfic, is a conversation with the source material. And the conversation the Netflix show runners wanted to have with the cartoon is one where becoming "strong" is paramount, overcoming prejudice is bad because you shouldn't have had it in the first place, and "adult" stories don't have room for whimsy or joy.

Removing Sokka's sexism and changing his Koyshi Island arc might make him more likable than cartoon Sokka, but also erases one of the key themes of the show: breaking false barriers and learning from others. Iroh and Guru Pathik really spell it out in the second season, but it's there from the beginning in Sokka and Pakku's story lines. Sokka is so sure of the proper order of society before Suki shows him that the dichotomy of women and warriors is a false one. In the live action, this message is erased in favor of reassurances that he too can become a strong warrior. With Pakku in the cartoon, he changes his mind about Katara, not because of the quality of her fighting, but because her necklace made him realize that the rigid frame of patriarchy hurts everyone, including him. In the live action, he agrees to accept help from Katara and the other women because Katara fights good. He doesn't end up teaching her because she's so strong she doesn't need to actually learn from others. Over and over again, the importance of strength is highlighted, while accepting the wisdom of others and breaking down barriers is downplayed.

In terms of characterization, I really liked what they did with Iroh and how it impacted his relationship with Zuko. In the cartoon, season 1 Iroh was very much playing up the idea of a wise old man mentor who didn't do chick-flick moments of actual emotional intimacy. Netflix Iroh is still wise, but he's unapologetically vulnerable in a way cartoon Iroh isn't. Cartoon Iroh is with Zuko because he feels guilty over what happened and wants to save him going forward the way he couldn't save Lu Ten (or himself). There's a bit of that with Netflix Iroh, but he also clearly needs Zuko as an emotional crutch. The result is a relationship where both parties are more vulnerable and open with each other and it's not just Iroh lecturing while Zuko shouts abuse.

Katara got done dirty by the changes to her character. Key character-building episodes like Prisoners and the Waterbending Scroll got cut and her character felt flatter as a result. Where was her compassion which drove her to risk it all to help others? Where was her anger about what had been stolen from her culture? For that matter, where was her jealousy with Aang over how easily bending came to him? The Netflix version took a moment to celebrate how awesome Katara was that she didn't need a real teacher, just a scroll that had been kept from her for 'reasons,' but then they had two different moments where 2 boys who didn't even bend her element had to mansplain it to her. The actress did such a great job, but the writers were too busy treating Sokka as god's gift to give her the characterization she deserved.

[gamerbearmira]

I don't know why I haven't said this before but I'm quite fond of the Frankenstein au! (srry for all the questions)

Having said that, I would really like to know how the process goes.

Who was the first to wake up? How did they feel/were they in pain/ could they see? (From what I've seen in movies, corpses have greyish/glossed over eyes)

Would the adults explain what happened or just say that they were hurt in the rubble and fell into a coma?

Would the thread disappear from their skin or remain there?

I'm glad you do❗❗ and no worries about the questions, I don't mind <33 gives me something to do lmao

As for the process um??? Honestly I haven't really though about it. I mean obviously Alma commits what is basically grave robbery. Of her own grandchildren. And she has to repair their bodies. They weren't exactly in the best condition when they were buried. She had to learn how to sew on body parts, which was a challenge, but she succeeded. And then she needed to figure out how to give them live, which by that point she realized she needed the triplets and a piece of the miracle. All of the kids have a cut in their chest, similar to the cuts in bodies when they get autopsied.

The first to wake up was Antonio. This was really because he's the smallest, and therefore doesn't require too much electricity to get his heart going. Pepa struck about 3 times before he woke up. And when he did he just...stared. Because he didn't know what was happening. Their memories are pretty blurry, and whether they remember everything or not is up for debate, but they do remember some things.

When they wake up, they aren't in too much pain. The pain is in their major joints, and where they were stitched, but they don't really seem to react to it. Or react at all. They also have to learn how to walk again. Their bones aren't weak per se, it's just that being dead (like brain dead) made their bodies forget how to basic things. Including breathing. Which they also have to learn again, but that doesn't take them as long. They have all their gross motor skills, but some of their fine motor skills were forgotten.

And yes they can see! Their eyes are glazed over, and everything is a little washed out for them, very dull, but they can see just fine. Although Mirabel still needs glasses. And Alma or one of the adults (usually the husbands) have to regularly check their eyes and make sure they actually blink. Because they will just stare for any given period of time, they sometimes forget to blink. You don't blink when you're dead 💀💀

They would, to some extent, tell them what happened. They would say Casita fell, because that was likely their last memory, and Alma didn't want to lie to them, in risk of undoing all the work she just did. If the miracle ran on how their family was, she was walking on eggshells, because they, quite literally, have a piece of the miracle inside their hearts. Like physically placed inside them. But the adults won't say exactly how it happened and how bad the aftermath was. Townsfolk are heavily pressured to say NOTHING.

They thread would remain. But due to Julieta feeding them her food, some scars will heal. Some. Not all. Ones like the ones that literally keep their entire limbs connected to their body or the ones on their chest will never truly "heal" and Julieta hates that fact (or rather herself for not being able to heal that much), but small ones that are similar to stitches eventually will come out.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Blue's Rose - Chapter 1 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Boys Will Be Jerks

Blue Cavanaugh & Kulap 'Kool' Somboon

Blue yawned as he once again attempted to stretch out his long legs within the tight confines of the airline seat.

He glanced at the watch on his wrist, noting it was almost two in the morning.

Or at least it was in Charlotte, North Carolina he thought with a sigh, adjusting in his seat for the millionth time trying to get comfortable.

As the plane was currently midair, flying towards Bangkok, Thailand, Blue supposed the actual time would depend on the person you asked.

For the first time he truly understood Einstein's theory.

Time really was relative.

"Huh," he huffed out, rubbing at his face with his hands.

The fact that he was mentally musing over a scientific theory when he absolutely hated science was a true testament to just how tired he was.

Sitting back, he shifted his shoulders while adjusting the small pillow between the wall of the plane and his head.

He hefted the small airplane blanket up so that it covered the lobes of his ears.

The plane was cold and having just had his midnight colored hair shorn to a stylish undercut fade, his ears were exposed and taking the brunt for his vanity.

His vanity?

He thought on that for a second before putting up cautionary mental 'do not cross' tape.

Thoughts like those weren't safe.

Despite this trip, being on this plane right now, it was as far as Blue was willing to pursue that train of thought.

There was time soon enough after he landed, after he booked into his hotel, after baby steps.

Blue stared blankly outside the window but unfortunately the night sky prevented him from seeing anything.

Without a distraction and being unable to sleep his brain continued to whirl a mile a minute despite his best efforts to rein it in.

This trip was bringing it all back.

Vivid colored pictures bounced around in his mind.

The past flickered through his mind like a movie. 

Thoughts he had avoided for four years or had tried to avoid. 

Feelings he had denied or had tried to deny. 

Memories never lost just suppressed. 

Images not forgotten but blocked.

Of Kool, every last single one of them, of Kool.

Legally his name was, Kulap Somboon.

The foreign exchange student that had come to live with Blue and his family their senior year in high school.

The dyed blonde-haired kid that had always worn black from head to toe no matter the weather or circumstance.

The stylish boy that had worn lots of silver and leather jewelry that would have looked strange on Blue himself but Kool had pulled off with ease.

The shy and timid youth that had a secret tattoo his family knew nothing about an, he had told Blue, would be furious if they ever did.

The foreigner that spoke with a heavy but soft English accent that a person often had to strain to hear but who's laugh was so infectious it brought smiles to even the most humorless of teachers.

Blue had considered Kulap different but cool within hours of meeting him.

In no time at all, Kulap's name had been abbreviated and Blue had started simply thinking of him as Kool.

Thousands of miles passed beneath him as Blue recalled that year where it all started.

In the beginning, Blue hadn't wanted Kool to come.

He was the son of a son's cousin something or other whom, long story short, his mom had agreed to allow come stay with them.

Blue's grandparents had immigrated to the United States when Blue's, Mom was three years old.

Though he had never been to Thailand himself, his grandparents had often visited throughout the years and had stayed in touch with their family and various friends.

Hence the arrival of a stranger into his home his senior year.

How could he have been happy about that?

Especially as his mom had made it clear Blue was expected to take the kid with him everywhere, he himself went like an unpaid babysitter.

Blue's lips formed a self-deprecating smile as he reflected on how much of a dick he had been back then.

At least during the first few weeks of Kool's stay.

He had been a self-absorbed and selfish ass.

Poor Kool had taken the brunt of his crap, too.

Looking back on it, Blue was amazed that Kool had put up with him but he had.

Thank God he had, Blue silently sighed as his mind wandered back in time.

Blue had not been very kind to Kulap Somboon pretty much from the moment the kid had landed in the country.

Your typical dumbass jock with a know-it-all attitude pretty much described Blue at the age of seventeen.

He had had no desire to take responsibility for a foreign kid he had never even met before.

It was his senior year, after all.

Blue had had plans of his own.

First off, he had football that he needed to concentrate on as the team had a chance to make state.

He was the team's kicker.

His position wasn't glamorous but it was damn important and Blue had to get his time in practicing kicking drills.

'He didn't have time to babysit'.

Once football was finished, he had basketball where he played center position.

Basketball required afterschool practice and games.

'He didn't have time to babysit'.

When basketball was over, soccer season would begin.

He was a starter on the varsity team and would have to attend practice and games.

'He didn't have time to babysit'.

On top of his sport schedule that took up pretty much the whole year, Blue had actual school work and studying to do.

Despite being a total ass, Blue was actually a very good student with a 4.5 GPA thanks to AP classes.

If he wanted to maintain his average, he had to do the work.

'He didn't have time to babysit.'

His mom's plan was totally fucking with his. Knowing that the kid was coming no matter, Blue figured he would have to take measures into his own hands.

His mom could force him to play nice-nice and in front of her he would but when Mom wasn't around, well that was an entirely different story.

[fedorahead]

I put CWs, but I'll add a foreward; this post deals with drugs (magic mushrooms), sexual trauma, childhood abuse, and some religion. It's also maybe the most candid thing I've written in a long time.

This past weekend was my husband's birthday. We had date night Friday, and we decided to lemon tek some APEs that we've had sitting around for a while. I was worried they'd lose their potency because we put zero serious effort into storing them correctly and it has been months. These ones had been fantastic the past few times we partook, and we'd only been doing small amounts (small for us is 1-3g typically, and I usually eat rather than lemon tek which is a mellower, longer experience).

It's been a while as I mentioned, so my tolerance was back to zero, so when I finished my cup of lemon earl grey and asked how much I'd just had, I got a little anxious when he said it was 3.5g. But I had already set my mind to enjoying the evening for his benefit, so I calmed myself and got ready for the ride.

We've got a year and a half of eating mushrooms together now, we started just before my 30th birthday. I'd had them once before and it was not a good experience (yay music festivals and mixing substances) and he had done a lot of exploring in his teen and early adult years, but it had been a while. I delved headlong into the studies of psychonautica and mycology, and discovered I have better retention for mycological facts in my adulthood than I did for spelling or debunked urban legends in childhood (absolute mastery of those subjects, as a kid anyway).

We went into the bedroom, because the most important discovery I've made about enjoying the ride is that oxytocin is the miracle chem that turns a mushroom high into a full sensory vacation; though in the ounces upon ounces I've consumed, even pushing 7g in an evening and timing my medications for maximum effect, I'd never reached that state that neurotypicals (and even other autists/ptsd cases) tell tales of. Cohesion has never been the name of my game.

Our sex life, I won't go into, but it involves a lot of discussion of concepts reserved for the privacy of just us- this is relevant, I'm not just bragging or baiting. We started to do our thing, intimacy, closeness, playing roles that weren't really divorced from reality, and I came into full swing.

The intrusive thoughts that plague me always, and especially during sexy funtimes, became more tangible and less repetitive or fleeting. I started crying, (which was perfectly appropriate and enjoyable for both parties).

Sooner than expected, the sun was rising, and I was living renewed. Two major understandings came to me: one, much subtler and less applicable to daily life; the other, a complete audit of my entire identity.

The first realization was a spiritual one. I've always been an atheist. I tried to believe in something, anything, but none of the proffered options gave me any sort of inspiration.

I've also always had inclinations towards believing in the essence, soul, maybe even consciousness of things around me. Toy Story spoke to me as a tiny kid, and when Pocahontas sang "every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name", that resonated with me. Maybe it's cliché, or maybe there's an inherent respect for the world around us children understand that our society teaches us to ignore. Those movies were hits for a reason. Either way, especially since starting mushrooms but even before, I've felt tapped into something. My Buddhist studies have felt the closest to, well, not understanding it, but definitely vibing with it, whatever it is. And this weekend I connected the thing I do feel in some ways and some times with the stories other people have told of spiritual experiences. My brain is more inclined to see it as some sort of magic, and I've worried I've got schizophrenia many times for having some supernatural... not beliefs, but openness I suppose. It's always felt like a flaw, but I see now that it's just the thing all those other people have been going on about my whole life. They just layer all their tangible bullshit on top of it and make it so hard to see. And seeking whatever this is feels very very different to the assertion of seeking "answers" or some form of "explanation" regarding the nature of existence. Fictional media concepts like the warp, or the multiverse, or parallel dimensions (yes I know that's covered by the multiverse), higher and lower planes of existence, the threads that connect all things, even enlightenment; they're all referring to this place I've been going for a long time and I finally understand that now.

The second revelation, I've called it an epiphany, I've posted about incessantly since having it both here and on facebook.

Everything I use to define myself, every aspect of my personality I recognize and feel I know, is a result of, either by adherence to or rebellion from, a set of expectations that were forced upon me from birth. On one side of my family, there were the best of intentions, trying to encourage an educated, compassionate, caring, sensitive person. One with confidence and self-esteem, even though those were struggles for everyone guiding me. On the other, one person had control, and his expectations were not rules set out but reality presented in the form of facts and logical rants and arguments that begged their own questions. It was also a childhood of warnings, explanations, exposure to concepts far beyond a child's years. I was to be smart, quick-witted, fit, rational, completely sexually repressed, modest in clothing but not in academia, and entirely dependent. Mental illness wasn't an option, disability a choice I was to opt out of. I was taught cultural knowledge that was out of date by my birth let alone my tween years. The world around me had a lens of his perception. When I decided I would not be torn down for making my own life choices any more, I walked out of his house and stopped seeing him for years. While his mother and sister held control of me financially, they pressured me to "just go see him" and I refused. During that time, I worked very hard at unlearning the twisted life lessons he'd given me, the fundamental "truths" that were no such thing. When I was in my early 20s, I thought I had shaken his programming and rejoiced that I was no longer spewing ignorant bile at the expense of the people around me, that I had deprogrammed myself.

This weekend, I realized how much deeper it went. I don't share his views anymore, but I was still bound by a deeper programming. Realization after realization hit me in waves. Every formative memory holds a trauma that has defined me for 30+ years. Every deviance from the norm I have, I can track to his behaviours, his words, his intentions. Including the source of most difficult shame, my sexuality.

I'm still not comfortable talking about the specifics of things in my head. But I had not realized until this weekend that they weren't facets of my inherent self; he put them there. His warnings and admonitions, so early in my life, meant I knew what incest was before I knew what sex was. Meant I knew what repressed memories were before I understood trauma. I remember not believing him when he told me women didn't enjoy sex, because how could it be objectionable when I already wanted it so bad, so young? I considered myself precocious until recently; the warning signs had been there the whole time, but I assumed I'd become who I am naturally and wasn't like others who only developed early sexuality from relevant abuse.

I've known for years the things he had been accused of, and also been told by anyone that would answer that the situation was complicated, that he probably hadn't done anything, that it was a misunderstanding, that maybe the witness lied and that's why she didn't come back to court to testify. Nobody wanted me to understand how terrifying it would be to go up against him in court, a small woman tied to our families, part of the social circle, whose house I'm sure he had been to. A teenage girl trying to protect a toddler without protection for herself.

From my late teens onward, I considered the signs that I'd been molested to be signs that our mental healthcare system was so terrible I'd been traumatized by that. A false allegation can still land the kid in probing meetings with adults who want to get something out of them. I do think spending my entire childhood in therapy traumatized me. I also wish they'd told me the truth. That they weren't sending me "just in case, because he yells so much", that they saw that I was suffering symptoms of complex trauma even at age 2 and they wanted to intervene. Even if I hadn't understood it, what I was told gave me room to believe his side. I kept believing his side for so long, it become the lore I told myself and others.

I realized, I've been running my whole life, and I don't have a self to find. He made sure of that.

Wave after wave of connection and realization made our evening of drugs and sex complex and amazing and ultimately, freeing.

I don't have to hate my body. I don't have to struggle to find clothes that cover perfectly normal parts. I don't have to compensate with gender confusion, sexuality confusion, hating labels and trying to find one and feeling like it's incomplete anyway. I don't have to have a cool name.

I get to build a person, and that person doesn't have to be perfect or better than anyone else. I don't have to look down on people for circumstances beyond their control. I don't have to be a judgmental dick just because I was traumatized into being one.

And I can have sex whenever I want, with whomever I want, and it doesn't have to be the sole purpose of my life to find the emotional fulfillment and validation sex provides. That can just be a fun side quest I do with my husband regularly. You know, to grind those skill points up or whatever.

I have energy. I have accomplished so much this week. I even cleaned the fridge and pantry. I danced. I played with the dog. For the first time in my life, I am Hannah, I am present, and I am free.

[freedpheonix]

So Many Signs

I should have listened. I should have listened to my mother and other friends and family when they told me they didn't like him and something wasn't right with him. Instead, I got overly defensive. Growing up I always thought my mom was "judgy" about other people, but now that I'm an adult with my own kids I know she was ALWAYS right. I wish I'd listened.

He made me believe he was truly a victim. That he was a good person and people just judged him for no reason and that he'd had a hard life. He convinced me his dad was controlling and mean and everyone was out to get him. I thought I could make it better. I thought I was a good person for seeing the light in the dark. It ended up just being the devil holding the torch to guide me to Hell.... Sounds so dramatic, but it's true. I got sucked in, despite all the signs, despite my gut feeling and my brain telling me it was wrong. The toxic dance of an empath and a narcissist.

We weren't together long and I had to move out of my apartment and in with my grandparents. They lived over an hour away from him and our relationship turned long-distance. I gradually heard from him less-and-less. He always had excuses why he couldn't visit me. Always blamed his father for not allowing him to come out, made up fake car problems, and more. He visited once every 2-3 months. He would say he was on his way out in the morning and not show up until 8 o'clock at night or later. Kept making up excuses about errands and stuff that kept him late. By the time he got there, he'd sit on the couch and nod out in front of everyone from the Methadone, then he had to leave in the early morning so he would make it in time for his next dose. I genuinely don't know what I was thinking back then. I felt out-of-control and constant anxiety about the relationship. I knew in my gut he was cheating with others but couldn't prove it. Then came the day I found out he changed his Facebook status to "single" after I hadn't heard from him for a week. He didn't say a word to me. Just started seeing someone else. Turned out, she was in her late thirties. She was almost 17 years older than him. I was devastated. A week later, I found out I was pregnant. I messaged and told him and his mother ended up messaging me about it. Then he started to threaten me, he said he wished I was dead and I was fat and ugly. He said a lot of disgusting things to me. He said when he saw me he was going to slit my throat and make sure there was no baby. There were a lot of nasty things said by he and his mother. I had to just avoid him and prepare to be a young, single mom of two. Weeks went by and I didn't have anything to do with him. I'd blocked him on social media and deleted his number. One day, out of the blue, he messaged me asking when he could see me to give me back some of movies. I was just starting to feel better and was happy with him out of sight, out of mind. It's like a radar went off that I was losing interest. I ignored that message, instead I got in touch with his mom about getting the rest of my stuff back. Again he messaged me asking why I talked to his mom and not him. He played innocent, saying I could still talk to him. I continued to ignore him. I focused on me and my daughter and trying to heal and grow... He kept texting randomly a hi here or there. One day he messaged me saying how sorry he was and how much he missed me. He said all the right things and I answered him back pretending to be indifferent. He feigned hurt. Me responding to him allowed him to work his way back in, and I thought things would be better. Hahaha. Ah. I really thought it would be better...

It was a few days later it was his birthday. He was acting distant again. Ignoring my messages, making up excuses about him being busy. He hadn't made any effort to visit me and we still weren't officially back together. He had added me back on Facebook and I was scrolling through my timeline and guess what I happened upon... lol he was "in a relationship" with that older woman. After sucking me back in and telling me we were getting back together. Again, I was blindsided. Deep in my gut, I knew he was still being shady but being the king manipulator he was he kept me where he wanted me. Before I confronted him, I sent her a message telling her what happened, how he said he was getting back with me all the while being with her and that I was pregnant. Next thing I knew, he was sending me angry and cruel messages about how I'm psychotic and he was never getting back with me again because I ruined his f***ing birthday. I was stupid, I was a liar, I was a psycho wh*re. It was all my fault that he wasn't going to talk to me again, etc... Again, he messed up and I was made to feel like I caused the problem. I knew it wasn't my fault and yet my brain still made me feel like it was.

I went back to getting used to the idea of being a single mom of two again. Got refocused, and started doing better. A little over a month goes by and I was healing. Here he comes again out of the blue asking how we are doing. I ignored him more, he messaged again. It's like the more I ignored him, the more of a challenge it was for him and he tried harder. I made the mistake of responding. Tried to act indifferent, like I didn't care. He tried harder. And thus, I got sucked in again with that apology. All the words he knew I wanted to hear. What an idiot.

At this point, I was starting to get spotting. A little bit, it wasn't much so I didn't think anything of it because I'd had some with my first daughter and she was born healthy. I went to go visit with my daughters family who had become my family. He didn't like that I was close with them despite all they'd done for me over the years. It wasn't about my daughter's father, we had really become family. He didn't see it that way. He came to pick me up and take me to stay at his father's while his father wasn't there. I had to leave before his father got home. He said he didn't want his dad to ask questions after all the drama between us and that he wanted to break it to his parents slowly that we were back together. Part of me agreed.

My grampy came to pick me up and bring me back home. The bleeding was starting to be slightly more than spotting but still wasn't a lot so I prayed and hoped it was nothing. Later that evening, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my Nana, cousin, and cousins boyfriend. I bent over to pet the dog and the blood just gushed out of me. It was like you see in the movies, and was horrifying for me. My grandmother helped me clean up and her and grampy brought me to the ER. It was confirmed, I'd had a miscarriage. I'd had a miscarriage when I was younger, before my first daughter. It was nothing like that one. It was worse. Maybe because this time I was 11 weeks and the first time I was only about 8 weeks along. Either way, it really depressed me. I didn't get pregnant on purpose, but once I was pregnant I was hoping it would help change him and make him better. When I told him what happened all he said was he was sorry. Didn't try to comfort me, didn't take it serious. He didn't even seem sad, I have no doubt he was relieved. And that realization hurt more..

Like I said before, looking back I feel so stupid. If my daughters were in this type of situation I'd be so upset and do everything to protect them. Granted I defended him, no one knew the true darkness because I loved him and it was humiliating for me. There's a true psychological explanation for this behavior but I can't help but feel like I could have done better for myself no matter how well it can be explained scientifically. It literally changes the hippocampus and amygdala parts of your brain. I know that, but I still feel guilt for not being "smarter." Even though I'm healthy now and have a good life and learned a HUGE lesson from this, I'm not sure that guilt will ever go away..

Stayed tuned, this is just barely beginning.

[ticklygiggles]

Popsicle Thief | BokuAkaKuro

A/N: Hello Dani (@danibby)! I apologize for the long wait, but I hope you enjoy this! And I chose romance because I love them together 💕 thank you!!

Summary: Akaashi has no consideration for his poor boyfriends.

27. "Look like you're in trouble."

Words: 2k (under the cut)

"I'm back," he said as soon as he stepped into their house, he closed the door behind him and it came to him only a second later that no one answered him. Akaashi frowned slightly. "I'm back!" He said a little louder and when he was met with silence one more time, he frowned a bit more, checking the time on his phone.

Ah, so he was back a little earlier than usual. Kuroo and Bokuto wouldn't be back for another hour, so maybe Akaashi could use this alone time to take a nap and relax for the weekend ahead of him.

The idea made him feel excited, oh, the life of a working adult, feeling excited for being able to sleep. Stepping out of his shoes he chuckled to himself before starting to make his way to their shared room, but he froze in front of the fridge, his heart suddenly racing within his chest.

He really was home alone. He was… alone. Bokuto and Kuroo weren't at home. He was by himself. In the house. Only him.

Great!

Akaashi quickly opened the fridge and he smiled. Ah, there they were: three popsicles waiting patiently to be eaten.

The past few days have been a lot hotter with summer slowly coming over and all, so, during the week, Akaashi decided to buy these popsicles to enjoy together with his over excited boyfriends during the weekend, probably while watching a movie or just while enjoying each other's company.

Akaashi's mouth watered and his hand sneaked inside the fridge, grabbing the strawberry popsicle. He closed the fridge's door, resting his back against the wall of the kitchen before he popped the popsicle out of the wrapper. The sweet smell of strawberry made his nose tingle and freeze a little; his mouth watered even more and he gulped before he took a direct bite of the ice (he was that savage), his teeth didn't hurt, but he felt his taste buds numbing as the sweet flavor exploded in his mouth.

It was just as good as he thought!

He let the ice melt in his mouth, feeling fresh right away and as he gulped down the now melted ice, he smiled.

However, the house was hotter than he though and his popsicle was melting slowly, feeling his fingers a little sticky, before he knew it, he ate the whole thing in three more bites.

"Aaaack," his brain froze a little, but he pressed his thumb on the roof of his mouth as he free hand opened the fridge again and sneaked in, taking out a mango flavored posicle.

Bite. Bite. Bite. Bite. Frozen brain.

Now a watermelon one.

Bite. Bite. Bite. Bite. Frozen brain and, right after, a yawn.

He was fresh, full and sleepy after enjoying the three popsicles. It was not like him, but he left the three wrappers on the table, only washing his hands before dragging his tired, adult working body to bed, where he nestled between his lover's pillows, letting their smell lull him into a deep slumber.

----

"... ji… eiji… Keiji!" Akaashi frowned. "Keiji wake up!"

Akaashi whined, rubbing his eyes before opening them to see who was calling him. His vision was a little blurry, but he still could see those cat like eyes staring at him, an eyebrow raised up. It was Kuroo.

"Welcome back, Tetsu-san," he mumbled, trying to wake up fully. "What is it?"

"I am back," he said, not resisting to answer Akaashi's greetings. "What is it, you say? Would you mind explaining what are these?"

Akaashi blinked a few times, trying to focus on what Kuroo was showing him.

Ah.

"Those are wrappers," he said as a matter of fact, feeling his eyes closing again. "Popsicle wrappers."

"Exactly and, if I remember correctly, didn't you say these were for the three of us?"

Akaashi nodded, eyes closed. "That's what I said," he agreed, feeling the edges of his mind blurring into sleep again. "Where's Kou-san?"

"And then, why did you-

"Keeeeeiiijiiiii."

"Ah, welcome back, Kou-san."

"I'm back," Bokuto whined. "Keiji, did you really eat the three popsicles?!"

Akaashi nodded. "I was a little hot and hungry so I ate them."

Bokuto whined again, "but Keiji, I really wanted the watermelon one!"

"I ate it with love, Kou-san. It was really good."

Akaashi looked at them with a little smirk hidden behind a pillow, (it was Kuroo's). He couldn't help but think they look extremely adorable. Bokuto was pouting like a kid while Kuroo looked a little more pissed, frowning a bit as he narrowed his eyes, staring at Akaashi on the bed.

"Keiji, you're so mean!" Bokuto said, throwing a little tantrum. "I wanted to taste it!"

Akaashi chuckled softly, sleepily, but then his eyes met Kuroo's and he felt a shiver run down his spine, sensing danger at seeing that look he was giving him.

"Keiji, you really have been extremely mean today," Kuroo started and Akaashi listened carefully, feeling a bit more awake. "Mean boys should be punished," he said and Akaashi widened his eyes. "Looks like you're in trouble," he smirked.

Akaashi tried to jump out of the bed as soon as he saw Kuroo's hands reaching out for him. He sat up, but his body was still lazy and soft after his nap, so Kuroo easily grabbed him by his waist and wrestled him back onto the bed, Akaashi's face hitting one of the pillows.

"K-Kuroo-san, what- agh! No! Not tick-ahahaha!"

Akaashi dissolved into bright giggles when Kuroo started to squeeze his waist right where he was holding him down against the mattress. He kicked and squirmed, holding Kuroo's wrists as he tried to push his hands away from his body.

Okay, it was unfair that he ate the popsicles, but tickling was way more unfair! Especially after he had just woken up and-

"Bo, what are you doing there? Let's teach this mean Keiji here a lesson!"

"No! Dohohon't lihihisten to him! Eeek!"

He didn't know how, but he was suddenly flipped over, now laying on his back and, in a blink of an eye, he had his arms pinned above his head, Bokuto gently using his knees to keep them up, exposing all of Akaashi's torso to their hands.

Akaashi squirmed, squeaking as Kuroo straddled his hips, keeping him in place with his legs. He was smirking that shit-eating that Akaashi found, not only terrifying, but also so attractive, even if he was being victim of his wicked ideas.

He knew he wasn't going anywhere, but Akaashi still squirmed, trying to free his arms, or trying to twist his body to throw Kuroo off him, but everything was in vain and, without warning, Kuroo's skilled fingers sneaked under Akaashi's shirt and tickled his tummy, still a bit rounded after eating those sweet popsicles.

Akaashi giggled right away, sucking on his belly as those mean fingers clawed at the tender and sensitive skin.

"Unfahahahair!" He giggled, shaking his head and feeling his cheeks blushing.

"You are unfair!" Bokuto squeaked, surprising Akaashi and making him shriek when he started tickling his ribs. "Eating all the popsicles! Why did you do that?!"

"I wahahahas h-hohohot! P-Plehehehehase! N-not thihihis!" He begged already, arching his back when Bokuto wiggled his fingers against each bone, making Akaashi kick his legs.

"You'll have to take this, Akaashi," Kuroo purred. "Nasty boys that don't want to share popsicles with their boyfriends should be punished thoroughly."

Akaashi shook his head, cackling when Bokuto found his highest ribs and Kuroo scribbled his fingers against the sides of his tummy.

If he knew they'd use tickling as punishment… he probably would have eaten the popsicles anyway. They were so tasty, and looking at their expressions when they found out, ah, it was totally worth it.

But now, two pairs of hands were dancing over his ribs, (one pair under his shirt, the other above), and as he laughed loudly, arching his back and shaking from side to side, throwing his head back when Bokuto's fingers reached the back of his ribs, he wondered if eating the three popsicles had been a good idea.

"S-Stahahahap, plehehehease!" He said, feeling tears of laughter threatening to escape his eyes. "I'll buhuhuhuy mohohohohore!"

"It's not about buying more or not, Keiji," Kuroo said, giggling when Akaashi jerked as Kuroo's thumbs rubbed deep circles on the sides of his ribs. "It's about you learning your lesson and not doing something like that again!"

"Sh-Shahaharing is cahaharing!"

"You didn't share!" Bokuto and Kuroo said over his laughter and that made Akaashi laugh even more.

"You shahahared with mehehehe!" He explained, wanting to open his eyes to see their expression, but alas, he was laughing too hard to do so at the moment.

He heard, however, soft chuckles coming from them and he felt his heart fluttering in his chest.

"Ahahahaha! Please! No mohohohohore!" He tried to sink into the mattress, trying to save his poor tingling ribs from their expert fingers, but they followed every one of his moves and Akaashi could only cackle as tears of laughter fell from the sides of his face.

"Maybe if you apologize we'll stop."

Akaashi shook his head right away. "I cahahant! They were so goohohohod!" He said, taking a deep breath when he felt their hands stopping. "haaah, th-thahank you. I wi- AAAHAHAHAHA!"

Akaashi shrieked with laughter when an electrifying ticklish sensation ripped through him as thumbs firmly, yet gently, pressed against his hips, rubbing quick circles at them; not only that, he also felt thumbs pressing right in the center of his armpits, vibrating wildly.

"So, are you not going to apologize?" Bokuto teased and Akaashi felt his cheeks turning bright red as he howled with hysterical laughter.

He was kicking so bad, making them bounce a little in the bed. Tickling him there was so unfair! Akaashi could barely form coherent sentences between his laughter, he could barely shake his head, the only thing he could possibly do was laugh so loud and shake his hips.

"I think he likes having his armpits and hips tickled since he doesn't want to apologize," Kuroo chuckled and Akaashi shook his head slowly. "Are you going to apologize?"

Akaashi nodded, letting out a squeak when Kuroo started to pinch his hips and Bokuto scribbled his fingers over his exposed armpits. If an apology was what they wanted, he could give it to them… even if he didn't feel sorry at all!

"Then apologize, Keiji!" Bokuto urged, but they both were still tickling Akaashi to pieces.

"I'm- I'm s-s-sAAAHAHAHA! Plehehehease, n-nahahahat thehehehere!" He howled, feeling himself going a little crazy by the hip tickling Kuroo was subjecting him to. "I cahahahan't! I'll dihihihie!"

Bokuto and Kuroo giggled as their fingers really came to a stop, but kept them poised against Akaashi's hips and armpits, ready to attack him again, just in case.

Akaashi tried to catch his breath, letting out residual laughter and then nervous giggles as he felt the gentle pleasure of their fingertips on his tickle spots.

"I'm s-sohohorry for eheating the pop- the popsicles," he said as sincerely as he could, opening his teary eyes to look at them with that puppy expression they could never resist. "I p-promise I'll buy you one, no, two of them as an apology," he promised, noticing how they started to melt at his words and puppy eyes. "S-So pleased, stop tihickling me? I'm vehehery ticklish on my hihips. Please?"

He was mostly looking at Kuroo, knowing he was the one he needed to win over and, to his delight, Kuroo let out a soft sigh and moved his hands away from Akaashi's hips. Bokuto followed suit, even letting go of Akaashi's arms.

Akaashi grinned softly. "Th-Thank you, I'll go get- AHAHAHAHA!"

As he was trying to get up, Kuroo started to tickle his hips again and Akaashi fell back on the bed, squirming around like a little worm, Bokuto chuckled softly.

"I thought we were going to stop?" He asked and Akaashi couldn't see, but he was looking down at him with the tenderest of eyes. Bokuto could never be angry at Akaashi, but he was up to tease him and hear his beautiful laughter every time.

"This is just an extra punishment for trying to buy us with that cute face," Kuroo said and Akaashi cursed himself. He found out! "Are you really sorry?"

"Ohmygahahahahad! I am! I AHAHAHAM! Plehehehease!"

Kuroo finally stopped and Akaashi quickly jumped out of the bed, giggling and feeling his legs a little shaky after having his nerve endings abused like that, but oh no, he felt fired up, somehow, and he spoke his next words without a second thought:

"I won't buy anything for Tetsu-san! Only for Bo and me!" He said, making a run for it as Bokuto squeaked in delight and Kuroo gasped, growling as he chased Akaashi around their house.

He might get wrecked until he can't breath after that declaration of war, but he was still full of sweet popsicles, his lover's were giggling along with him and he'd get the chance to eat more of that sweet ice very soon.

What a nice way to start the weekend.

[cavehags]

now it's your turn! same questions 💖

what's the first film you remember watching? it's hard for me to place early childhood memories in time, but i know i was obsessed with frosty the snowman (1969) between the ages of 2-4. we had a vhs copy that had been taped off of the tv (i miss that version of piracy so much) and when i was in the hospital with pneumonia for a few weeks when i was three, i watched that specific videotape so many times that i can still remember a lot of the ads that played in the middle of it to this day, jingles and all.

what's the film that scared you the most? i was scared out of my mind by just the trailer for the village. i haven't seen the village but the trailer gave me nightmares for weeks. also, and this is 100% true, i once had a panic attack that was kind of made worse by suddenly remembering the plot of the movie what happens in vegas which is very much a typical rom com about a shrewish woman with a manchild husband she never even intended to marry. can't really explain that one.

what's the film that made you cry the most? honestly, and this is an insane answer, but it might be click (2006). i had such a bad time in the theater seeing click. that movie just hits way too hard. like the climax of it when his kids all hate him and he just fucking dies?? what the fuck

what's a film other people love but you hate? i cannot understand why people enjoy 500 days of summer. that movie is vile, loathsome, heinous and despicable (and other synonyms too). quirky indie music dudes literally think enjoying this movie is a sign they've acknowledged and are working on their flaws. it's actually the opposite: this movie made them worse.

what's a film other people hate but you love? i'm going to be very embarrassingly honest here and say i have real fondness for iron man 3. at the time that it came out, i was still seeing every marvel movie and thought it was kind of subversive that this one played a bit with the form by keeping him out of his suit almost the entire time, forcing him to use his brain and hang out with kids and adam pally and problem-solve without the use of superpower shit. i think the haze has been lifted on the so-called subversive quality of it all but i still have fondness for it and would have fun if i watched it again, i'm sure.

what's a film you used to love but now have concluded is terrible? there are so many, but i'm going to steal one of your answers and say aladdin (1992). aladdin was the only disney movie i liked as a child, to the point that my brother and i won a cash prize in a local talent show performing "a whole new world" (brag). i thought jasmine was the coolest and wanted to be just like her. and yeah. it's garbage.

what's the film that means the most to you because of your memories surrounding it? star trek (2009). saved me from the worst depression of my life.

sexiest film you've ever seen? dirty computer the emotion picture. EVERYTHING is sex (except sex) (which is power).

subcategory- a film that's sexy but in a troubling way? probably cruel intentions. a deeply misogynistic movie but sarah michelle gellar dark hair/freaky dialogue need i go on

what's the film you've seen the most times? oh, definitely the princess bride. it was the first movie i knew i loved as a kid that was made for adults. my parents weren't crazy about it and i was always trying to explain it to them. eventually i had to accept that they just have no sense of humor.

what's the film with the best ending? i'm sure there are some really amazing ones i'm forgetting but i absolutely adore the ending to kajillionaire. old dolio learns the hardest lesson of her life and in that same instant is rewarded with inner peace and, as a cherry on top, the love she's always wanted. brutally cathartic ending.

what's the film you most relate to? thoroughbreds. i'm not a wasp from connecticut, and i've never killed a guy nor owned a horse, but there's something about being bored and powerless and full of love and desperate for some kind of control over your life that feels very familiar. the way lily and amanda talk to each other and come to learn from each other and share a secret language despite not even really thinking that they're friends is very familiar to me. and the whole aesthetic and styling of the movie are so much my cup of tea, it's crazy. that movie is such a gift to me.

what's the film you hate the most? i CANNOT pick between two. first, flower (2017) dir. max winkler is a disgusting movie. matt zoller seitz described it as "juno meets lolita" in his zero-star review and i hope we can all extrapolate from that just what is so deeply evil about this movie. it is far too horny for its protagonist, a hypersexualized teen girl who gives blowjobs to cops in their cars as an #empowering #joke and later falls in love with her stepbrother, a kid whom she is constantly bullying for being fat, to the point that he tried to kill himself. then he goes to jail and she is still in love with him while he's in there. max winkler should be kept away from children. and the second film is barbarella. i'm still absolutely furious i had to watch barbarella in college. even though it was on the syllabus of our "gender and geek culture" class for us to critique it, surely torture porn is a step too far...

objectively, what is the greatest film ever? star trek iv: the voyage home.

what's the film that made you laugh the most? maybe jojo rabbit? it's not just that i laughed like crazy in the theater but i also still have all the same burst-out-laughing moments every time i rewatch. amazing movie.

what's the film that's almost perfect but there's just one thing you wish was different? a cut of blockers without the homophobic scene of john cena and ike barinholtz needing to fondle a man's balls would be amazing <3 apart from that, blockers is a perfect film.

what's a film whose world you wish you could inhabit? ngl i'd kind of like to be one of the d.e.b.s from d.e.b.s.

so you've died, and it turns out there is an afterlife! sadly, your coffin can only barely fit your body plus one dvd squeezed in that you can bring to the afterlife to screen on movie night. what film are you bringing? adventure time: obsidian.

[border-spam]

Leech Lord - Terror

Troy

Dead things that don't know they are dead yet.

He's not squeamish in the slightest, his mom had been teaching him how to gut fresh kills, debone neatly, and preserve the good eating organs for rainy since he was 5, so zombie movies and gore don't do anything to him. It's the idea of dead things... not being dead really that... Fuckkk. It gets him, man.

Bringing things back to life and it going wrong, things controlled by other things and no longer really alive themselves, parasites puppeting a corpse, that kind of existential horror genuinely fucks him up to the point of not being able to handle it in media or sometimes even discussion. It panics him.

The nightmares of Leda's husked skull snapping as the crystallised flesh across it splits and creaks - jaw shuddering as it tries pathetically to mouth his name, have never stopped and that shit didn't even happen. He knows it didn't, but something in the back of his inner child's mind never stopped asking if she'd really been gone when they buried the fragmented parts of the body that hadn't been reduced to dust.

What if she had been alive somehow? What if The Leech takes your energy but your soul is trapped, that's what it feels like inside him, after all. That's what it might have done... What if she was down there alone and cold under the roots of that Hue-Tree in the ruins, and she couldn't see or hear but she was lonely and... and...

He still wakes up every few weeks in a fever sweat and finds himself hunched over the cool steel of his toilet as he pukes his guts up. Never talks about it. 

Just says zombie movies are shit.

Tyreen

Nothing.

And that's worrying her. She's not afraid of the concept of nothing, she's just not... afraid. Not anymore.

It took her years to realise, it's like it had very slowly slipped away as an emotion and by the time it was gone there weren't any reminders of it to make her realise it was missing in the first place. She feels distress, she can be concerned, she definitely knows those are still there because they can hit her like a truck sometimes out of the blue on bad nights, but fear is... gone.

It had just been a throwaway comment from Xan as he'd escorted her through the Marketing wing after a word with Troy's Media department, a sneered giggle to him about how stupidly nervous they had been and how her people had some fucking backbone. He'd chuckled and agreed with her majesty that she chose far better a calibre of staff than her brother, then complimented that they had actually been terrified of her, not just anxious.

She'd thought about that for hours after, trying to remember what being terrified had felt like. Why she hadn't understood what she had seen on their faces and misread their pale skin and tight eyes as "nerves".

When had she last been afraid. Before they left Nekro? No it couldn't have been that long ago... no, it was when Troy had.. it was a couple of days after they had landed on Pandora, after that man had sliced jagged glass across her face when she'd fucked up their introduction on the edge of the Bandit camp. It was when Troy had erupted in eyes and wings and red lightning neither of them had known was inside him, and liquified that raid party to protect her.

Had that taken fear from her? She can't remember feeling it again, not that terror, even when she was so desperate to find help after how sick he became when he woke up. Had The Leech eaten a piece of her to let her brother explode with power, or had it just been coincidence.

She can't feel some things anymore. She can't feel fear, and the realisation that there is nothing there instead of a missing emotion sends alarms and warnings through every part of her brain.

She just can't bring herself to care, because maybe that part of her is gone too.

Seifa

Space

Yeah it's not.. the best thing to be terrified of when you spend so much of your life migrating between planets and trade rigs, but there is a reason her ship hasn't been upgraded to a newer model in a decade. Those old hunkers were SAFE.

That great void is unfathomable to her, runs a shiver up her spine and through her guts if she thinks about it too hard, how huge it is. How nothing any of us are, planets just specs of dust floating through an endless dark.

There had been accidents when she was a kid, impossible to not hear about that kind of thing on a a station made of connected fleet ships. A burst airlock, a shittily repaired hull, a phosphorus fire on deck 12 and the only solution being to flush... People would die sometimes, just sucked out into that ripping vacuum as their blood froze rupturing through their veins. Adults couldn't really explain the physics to kids so instead there was an instilled fear in their warnings about pressure, and triple checking seals, and never entering trash locks.

Makes her turn yellow and wobble on her feet if brought up in discussion, and she's always made a surprising amount of excuses to stay planetside in general. Pandora might eat you alive... but at least you'll leave a corpse.

Asks are Open!