#these last months where all about answering who I am? and kinda accepting that is ok to not know

[enemylv1]

Silly Game Time: What are your nouns? No, not your *pro*nouns, but your *nouns*. What kind of persons and things (and I suppose even places) are you?

(For example, I'm a writer, a wiseass, a hermit, and I hope a safe space for my fellow queers and weirdos.)

I am a mistake, I am difficulty yet I am pride.

I am a writter , a artist, a creator aswell as a character and a story.

I am a idea firts, living on my mind then I am experience living in others mind

I am history, living a complex life and I am a historian, keeping track of all mine and others tales.

I am a girl, I am a boy, I am void, I am all.

I am a database of knowledge , knowlefge that may be useless but is value.

I am brain, faulty as ever.

I am emotion, as bright as always.

I am a reseach, I will be finish because everyday I will learn more of me , and all of the others that are also me.

I am change, i never will stay the same, I will never look like yesterday and thats good.

I am safe , worringly so.

I am chaos, worringly so.

I am all and I am none.

[destielembarker]

BUCKY BARNES x READER

my everything…

Summary: Bucky comes back from the events of Thunderbolts* and you GOTTA fix his hair with some tough love.

tags: cursing, bucky barnes x reader, fluff, alpine being a lil shit, already married fic, domestic banter turned sweet, cuddles, kisses, wound dressing, no use of y/n or pronouns, DISCUSSION ABOUT ARM IN THE DAMN DISHWASHER.

notes: i know this shit is written like a 4th grader did it and i really just don’t care enough to fix it BC I NEEDED TO GET THIS DISHWASHER DISCUSSION OFF MY CHEST. plz comment!!!

Bucky has been gone for 3 months now. It isnt uncommon for him to leave for long periods of time but, definitely been hard but you picked up some extra shifts to fill the time.

Last night you heard the front door open and close and quiet footsteps approaching your room as not to wake you. Alpine, who was lying on the end of your bed, picked up her head at the noise.

He came in the bedroom and quietly dropped his bag and coat in the corner and crawled into bed behind you and wrapped his arm around your waist. Alpine crawled over, quietly sniffing out the stranger. Immediately she registered who it was and let out multiple happy chirps and head bumps on his back.

He chuckled at her eagerness.

He turned back to you, whispering in your ear, “hey.”

You’re fully awake now, “Bucky!!”

You rolled over and hugged and kissed his face. Which he happily accepted. The room was very dim. You ran your fingers through his hair. “Getting long again, huh?” You laughed.

He let out a sigh, “Yeah, let’s go back to bed. Wanna see you in the morning.”

His tone indicated he was tired so you quickly nodded and leaned your head down into his chest and fell back asleep with Alpine purring between you two.

~~~~

The next morning you woke up as you usually do, 5 AM with the morning orange glow pouring into your room and alpine screaming at your feet.

“Okay okay!” You laughed, rolling out of bed to feed her.

“I hadn’t missed that.” Bucky laughed, covering his head with the blankets.

You get up and feed the beast and return back to your bedroom to see him, propped up on some pillows rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

You’re stopped dead in your tracks when you finally make eye contact with him, seeing what you didn’t see in the dim light last night.

“James…” You say in a quiet voice.

“Huh?” He tilts his head in confusion.

“Baby, have you looked in the mirror lately?” You laughed.

“Yeah, why?”

“Because, I love you, but that haircut has to go.” You said annoyed.

“I knew you were gonna say something.” He chuckled.

“Also where the fuck is your arm?” You said crossing your arms.

He stayed silent but you both knew the answer.

“James. Bathroom. Now.” He groaned like a child being punished but rolled out of bed in just a wife beater and some black briefs, which kinda made you less mad at him. He still got a perky little butt you loved from day one.

You followed him into the bathroom and rummaged through the drawers looking for your clippers. He assumed his position, sitting on the side of the tub.

You plugged them in and turned around to face him. Those beautiful blue eyes staring up at you like you hung the moon.

After all these years, you could never truly be mad at him. But you have to act like it so he doesn’t think you’re a pushover.

“Bug…” you say playing with the ends of his hair.

“I know. I know.” He said waving your hand away.

“Like I wouldn’t be so mad if this didn’t look like shit! It looks like you got your hair cut from a middle aged white lady!” You laughed.

“I just haven’t had time.” He says turning his head to watch Alpine push her way into the bathroom, chirping again when she saw him. “Hi my love!” He says patting his lap. She immediately runs over and leaps into his lap and nuzzling his chin.

You flick on the clippers. “She missed you…” you said in a softer tone.

“You think?” He said petting her gently as you made long strokes across his head.

Alpine swatting at the falling pieces of hair.

“Hey hey!” You say swatting the hair out of her paws and mouth. “No!”

She looks up at you confused.

“What’s that for?” Bucky said petting her back.

“James… don’t even get me started.” You say continuing to work your way around his head, more annoyed this time.

“Tell me.”

“Well, YOUR child decided it was a good idea to eat eighteen of my little hair ties while you were gone.” You say while scratching her ears.

“Okay…” he says, inquiring further.

“Okay? Well it cost me two fucking grand on emergency surgery, Buck!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh! You should be lucky I took her in the second she stopped eating.”

He laughed and looked down at her on his lap, “Did my baby girl give mommy a hard time while Daddy was gone?” She chirped and head butted his chest.

“Don’t laugh! She could have died! Look!” You say reaching over to pick her up under the arms. Her legs sway below her, exposing her belly with a dark pink scar running down her abdomen and hair clipped in a perfect square.

He reached out and grabbed her with his one arm, from your grasp, kissing her forehead. “Oh my poor baby!” He said flipping her onto her back in the crook of his arm like a baby. “She didn’t mean it.” He says looking up at you with those pleading eyes again.

Everytime you see him with that tiny white cat, you cannot help but to feel your heart swell. Just the image of this big strong man with a tiny cat cradled in his arm is enough to melt anyone’s heart.

“Okay okay, well you’re not out of the doghouse yet.” You say finishing up his hair.

“Oh yeah?” He says rocking her softly.

You flip off the clippers and grab the scissors on the counter and walk back over to him, waving the scissors in his face, and bending down to eye level.

“What the fuck did I say about putting your arm in the dishwasher? Huh?” You say grabbing his chin and standing back up straight.

“But-“ he started, trying to defend himself.

“No buts Bucky! That’s nasty!” You say putting your hands on your hips.

“How is it nasty?” He says annoyed.

“Because Buck, you go out and beat the shit out of people with the arm, getting dead guy blood and dirt all over it. Then you come home and put that shit in the same place where we put plates, which we eat off of!” You say, raising your tone again.

“Well-…” he pauses.

You bend back down and kiss his forehead. “My love, I’ve told you, if you want it cleaned, that’s not a problem. Just let me clean it. In the tub. Where I can use bleach to scrub the tub afterwards.”

“Yeah but that means you have to do extra work for me….” He says with tears in his eyes, you can tell no one has ever done this for him before.

You walk over and hug his head onto your stomach. “Bug… listen to me…”

He tilts his head upward to indicate him listening.

“That’s what marriage is about. I’m not doing this because I hate you. I’m doing this because I love you, and I love myself because I don’t wanna eat off plates with dead guy juices on it, but mostly because I love you!”

He chuckles and sniffs, turning his head to wipe his nose on his shoulder. “You sure?” He says putting the cat down onto the floor.

You pull yourself off him and kneel onto the floor in front of him, cupping his cheeks into your hands, thumbing away the stray tears. “Bucky Barnes…. I wouldn’t have taken your last name if I thought you were a burden to me. You did such a good job during the courting phase to show me the good, the bad, and the ugly… and I still said yes.”

He cracked a smile and looked up at you.

“The lengths I would go to give you everything I have… my life, my soul, my body, and everything I own. You are my everything.”

He nodded and pulled you into a warm hug. “I love you so much.” He said with a broken tone.

“I love you too, Bug.”

You spend the next few seconds of the hug rubbing your hands over his back. He winced slightly every time you touched his right side.

“Buck…” you said in a worried tone.

You pull back from the hug and lift up his tank top.

“Baby… that looks bad.” You sighed, sitting back on your heels.

He nodded slowly.

You turn around to grab the first aid kit from the bottom of the cabinet and crawl over to him.

You put some rubbing alcohol onto a cotton pad and start to slowly dab the huge cut running down his back around to his stomach. He scrunched his eyes and clenched his fist and hissed quietly.

“Shhh… I know baby. But it’s gonna get infected if you don’t let me dress it. How long ago did this happen?”

“Couple days…” he mumbled through gritted teeth.

“Did you put anything on it? Actually I don’t wanna know the answer.” You said quickly.

You continue patting the scratch, using up about half of your cotton pads that are now soaked in blood.

He’s white knuckling the side of the tub by time you’re finished.

“Can you do something for me?” You say, cleaning your mess of bloody cotton balls littering the floor.

“I guess?” He says pulling his shirt back down.

“Will you tell me about your wounds.”

He scoffs, “Why?”

“Do I have to repeat the conversation we just had?”

“… no” he muttered.

“Okay then, I don’t want you unnecessarily suffering. Period. End of story. Got it?” You say standing up and opening the bathroom door.

“Got it.”

“Now come on, I’m making you breakfast.” He chuckles and bounces up to follow you to the kitchen.

[itostea]

perfect match (shidou x reader)

When news breaks out that your friend’s boyfriend breaks up with her due to his wish for a “mature” woman, you make sure to not to ensure that never happens with your boyfriend. 

warnings: established relationship, shidou being dirty again lol, he can’t keep his hands off you, the scene is kinda inspired by the ending scene in loving yamada kun at lv999, image from my reason to die

“I just got dumped.”

“What? That’s impossible! I mean you guys were soooo in love!” One of your friends gasps, a hand clasped over her lips. You feel yourself roll your eyes at the mock surprise, blinking as you watch her comfort your other friend who stared blankly at her lunch.

“He said he wanted a mature woman…” she mumbles quietly. “So he broke up with me and told me he was going to go look for one.”

You sigh, patting her on the back as you smiled in pity. “Don’t believe him. That was probably just an excuse to break up–”

“Oh no!” A voice interrupts you and you watch in wonder as your other friend stares deep in thought. “That actually happened to one of the girls in my class as well. As a matter of fact, that’s quite a trend now!”

“It’s a trend to break up if the woman isn’t mature enough?” You gape, finding her words hard to believe. Then again, you’ve been receiving more news of couple fall outs and failed talking stages. Unexplained motives behind break-ups; tears and uncontrollable sobbing; ending on bad terms. You don’t want to accept such groundless theories regarding these split-ups but they’ve been increasing exponentially ever since last month. 

“Yes, one hundred percent!” Your friend chirps. “Reminds me (Name), you have a boyfriend too right? Shidou? Does he want you to be mature as well?”

“Well…” you chuckle awkwardly. Truthfully, “mature” was a reach for your behavior with him. Just an hour ago, you made a stupid deez nuts joke to him because he ate the last of your ice-cream. And a day ago, you walked around in the house with a face mask and in your cringy middle-school shirt–not the most flattering version of you. All of the memories of your time with him come rushing to you and you can’t help but feel sweat drip down your skin. 

Believe it or not, you loved Ryusei. A lot. Even if you had to deal with his constant gushing about that Itoshi Sae player and his weird morning routine that required getting naked and yelling, you genuinely wanted to marry this man. You know it’s pointless to think further into the possibility of him breaking up with you, but the surge in break-ups makes you worried–anxious that he seriously could consider it. 

“(Name)? You’ve been glaring at the table for a good minute now. Are you okay?” 

Your friends watch in surprise as you suddenly stand up, looking at them with a determined expression. You quickly gather your things and slap a couple bills down. “Sorry guys, I have to go! I’ll see you at class!”

“What–? Hey!”

You jolted outside the cafe and sent a text to Shidou, telling him that you were coming home. In a normal situation, you would’ve ignored the fact that he responded with an “ok.” It was rare for him to give you short answer responses but it wasn’t unheard of. Yet, that answer is enough to make you pick up the pace, ignoring the way your heels dug into the side of your foot. 

Today is the day where you perfect the “mature” partner act. 

                    -

“So basically,” you mumble, choosing to ignore the hand on your thigh. “I know that you’re busy with practice and all that stuff so I won’t bother you that much. Also, I want you to start prioritizing your health and–”

 A yawn cuts you off from your ramble and you feel your eye twitch in irritation. Even so, you restrain yourself from arguing with him. “Are you listening to me Ryu?”

“Yeah I am babe,” he stretches, manspreading over the couch until you’re left pressed against the corner. The hand on your thigh just moves up to grab your waist and plop you on his lap. You feel your breath hitch but there was no way you were giving in this easily.

You huffed. “Then what’d I say just now?”

“Something ‘bout how you wanted to talk and other stuff.”

“That was at the beginning of our conversation!” You heaved, watching in disbelief as he let out another yawn. “Seriously Ryu?” 

“I promise I was listening, sweets. It’s just I got bored once you mentioned the ‘giving me space talk.’ Y’know that stuff bores me.”

“But it’s important!”

“Nah what’s important is this,” he mumbles against your shoulder, shifting so he can grab your foot to observe a fresh bruise forming. In his arms, you can smell your shampoo on him and it makes you giddy inside to know that you guys started sharing each other’s things. He tilts his head to get a better look at it. 

“Why’d you wear those, what do you call them? Oh heelies right? Yeah, why'd you wear heelies to a ‘casual’ outing with some friends. You’re not hanging out with other men right babe?” 

You roll your eyes from his random fit of jealousy. “They’re called heels and I wore them because it completed the outfit Ryusei. Now back to what I was saying–”

Another yawn cuts you off from continuing. It’s his way of saying that this conversation is meaningless. You sighed and tried to unravel his arms around your waist. “I’m going since you’re not listening to me.”

“Don’t be like that,” his arms tighten around waist and you yelp when he moves you back in his lap. “Not letting you leave ‘til you tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Nothing’s wrong–”

“Uh huh good try,” he says, voice husky against your neck. “Now tell me.”

It’s not easy to dissuade Shidou whenever he’s put his mind to anything. You’ve tried it many times and figured that he’s ten times more stubborn when it comes to you. Just that thought is enough to make you slouch against his chest and sigh. “My friend got dumped.”

“Okay but what’s that gotta do with us?”

“Let me finish,” you slap him lightly on the shoulder, gaining a grin from him. “Anyways, she got dumped because her boyfriend wanted a mature woman. Now before you make fun of me, a lot of couples have been breaking up so I got scared okay? I know I don’t act that mature with you so I was worried you might…” you don’t finish the last part and instead avert your eyes from his pink hues. 

“Oh that’s all? That’s a shitty reason.”

“Are you calling my feelings shitty, Ryusei?”

“Not your feelings pretty thing. Breaking up over that reason is shitty. At least for me. I think you’re cute how you are now,” he shrugged, patting your face with a grin. 

You still don’t believe him completely, frowning as you turned to look at him. “But…”

He huffs and leans back. “Babe I literally took you on a crawfish date and still fucked you afterwards–”

“Ryu! Oh my god,” you covered your face in your hands. “You’re gross!”

“Yeah but you like it,” he laughs. “Okay, point is, don’t worry your pretty head over shit like that. I don’t act that mature around you either.”

“Well that’s because you’re just weird.”

“You’re just as weird for liking me,” he snickers. “That’s all you wanted to say right? It’s cute that you went out of your way to act like this for your mean boyfriend.”

You rolled your eyes as he began to squeeze your cheek. “Please shut up and just hold me.”

“Anything for my girl,” he chuckles, bringing your head closer to his shoulder. Shidou always had the warmest body temperature that you couldn’t help but appreciate. Closing your eyes, you choose to relax against his hold and breathe in the smell of his laundry and shampoo. 

And that peace is shattered the moment you hear the sound of a slap and a sting on your ass. Your eye twitches once again. “Ryusei. Why do you always ruin the mood?”

“Babe it was right in front of me! I was resisting the urge for over an hour now!”

You pinch the space in between in your eyes and sigh for the nth time today. Thinking about it now, you two really were a perfect match for one another.

[daryl-and-carol-oh-my]

What is your opinion about Merle? Do you love him or hate him?

Please answer my ask I'm such a fan of your blog!

Hi, Anon!!!! Awwww, thank you!!!! That is always so nice to hear!! <33333 Every time my queue gets to that last post, I wonder if I should just let it go, then I remember sweet anons like you who enjoy my posts, and it encourages me to fill it up. So, thank you for that! <3

Just a quick note, Anon. If you have an Ask that might have been sitting there for a while now in my inbox, I haven't forgotten it! A month ago or so, I started getting these messages in my ASKs, from a very frustrated person who is apparently in the Caryl server I am in, and it's sort of made me wary? I sort of think they are venting. Their frustration isn't aimed at me but people I am friends with so it's kinda gotten me suspicious. There's regular Asks mixed in with them and this Ask kinda kicked my butt into gear lol I am gonna get to these other Asks so sit tight if you have one in there! I apologize, I really do love getting them and have so much fun answering!

Merle!!! Okay, I love Merle! When Merle was introduced in GUTS I really did not care for him at all. I applauded Officer Friendly for putting him on his ass and cuffing him up. He reminded me of my sisters dumbass racist asshole boyfriends from way back when, so, at first, I didn't like him from that initial episode.

Enter Daryl in Tell it to the Frogs! They were talking about Daryl in the cube van back to the quarry so I was definitely interested to see how what the brother of this Merle guy was like xD

Of course Daryl was upset his brother was cuffed to a rooftop pipe, threat of the living dead and all, so his reaction to me was really sad and heartbreaking to see, especially when they got there and found Merle's hand! Dx

When they didn't find him I forgot about Merle until that season two hallucination.

Then season 3, Merle is with this Governor dickcheese, so I totally knew some kind of arc was gonna play out and I was not disappointed! it was harrowing to say the least, I was so happy when Merle followed Daryl to the prison. I wanted to see Glenn, Merle and Maggie work through what happened, for Merle to come to a truce with everyone, and see him become a full fledged part of TF.

Bawled. I bawled like a crazy person when Merle was killed. I had totally embraced him, wanted him and Daryl to work out their relationship, and for some kick ass moments between Merle and Carol lol. That banter they had was epic. Wish that deleted scene of Carol and he had stayed in the show.

I'd have loved to see Merle in the Gov's war, Merle on he road, Merle in Alexandria. Missed the mark on that one, TPTB.

Backstory you didn't ask for! Dx

So I was part of this RP community on Mocospace (people still RP there but all the OG's have moved to Discord, after having first migrated to KIK) and I was on there, on a real life profile in like. . . 2008. I made a Severus Snape profile just for fun, the reasons why aren't important! xD If anyone is still reading this far and wants to know, send an Ask. But one night there was no one the in NEAR ME room so I explored the chat rooms, found the state rooms and I noticed North Carolina was really full of people! I went in there on my Snape profile, and I stumbled into a room full of Twilight Characters! And Pro Wrestling Characters! I was like O......O OMG! My peeps! Now, I had never read/watched any of the Twilight stuff at this point but they just swooped in and accepted me, it was wonderful! They introduced me to this wonderful world of Role Play! I was very novice to being online lol. Snape's bestie was Bella from Twilight and Nicki Bella, from Wresting. She played both of them on one profile lol it was amazing.

There was this whole Harry Potter Rp community that just so happened, did not have a Snape! So I learned the ropes, the rules, and it started my whole path and journey to where I ended up RPing Daryl, and writing fanfiction for Caryl.

I won't bore with the details on how I moved on from the Snape profile, it was so much drama, people became offended when my gender was revealed. I just assumed people knew I was a woman??

Anyway - I became obsessed with TWD, Daryl, Carol, Caryl, so I made a RP group, and we had almost the whole roster of characters! I ran the group, as was looking for a Merle, looking for a Rick, looking for a Michonne. I couldn't find anyone who wrote Merle good enough so I made him myself lol A werewolf RPer found me role playing by myself one day in North Carolina, he auditioned for Rick and he ended up being a pretty good writer, so I let him make a Governor too.

But omg I had SO MUCH FUN role playing Daryl and Merle, by myself to myself xD

I must say, my group lasted until around season 6 of TWD. It was a blast. I miss having a RP group of friends just writing out fun little plays. I have so many stories about it xD And thirsty people for my Daryl's . . . crossbow! Dx xD

So yeah, definitely, I fucking love Merle!!! <3333333333333

Hey Anon, thank you so much for this fun Ask!!! Please forgive me for my delay, and like I said, if you have one in there that's older, I will get to it!!! Hope your weekend was good, and your week treats you well, stay well and safe!

Carylering ON, my friend!!! <33333333333333

[talenlee]

Pride Month 2024!

It’s the introduction of another theme month, and this time around it’s the month of Corporations Conspicuously Caring About Queer People, and people showing their ass about how good or bad they are about publically presenting information about types of queerness. I’m sure I’ve said something aphobic on a June, but also, my hand has been stabbed, you know I’m from inside the city and I’m not doing these things out of a desire to support the structure and you know, watching, listening, learning and growing, apology video on my Patreon. Joking aside, point is, you know what kind of person I am and why I might say ‘faggotry.’

Anyway, time to talk about what to expect in Pride Month and what it means. And I need to do it without just pointing directly to the article I wrote on this from last year that I honestly think is kind of perfect for summarising my feelings about why we need Pride Month and why I do Pride Month content in Pride Month.

I think I’ve softened a lot on ‘queer media’ in the month. Not as that implies – I’m not about to act like Fire Emblem or Persona series games are games to talk about in this period in the way to promote them. I know that ‘Queer Media’ was an umbrella opened up over things that were in many cases actively awful about and to queer readings, and that used to drive me nuts. I’d put out the call like ‘hey, does anyone know media with this [trait]’ and despite media of that trait existing I’d get someone popping up to talk to me about something horrendously not an answer to the problem and then someone else well-meaning would take this as a conversation about that thing and not about my initial question and suddenly I was dealing with people babbling about something that was actively irritating me.

Originally I had some pretty stringent views on queer media. It was something in the vein that the work needed to explicitly have at least one queer character who was specifically and correctly defined by the narrative, rather than it being impressions and vibes. The idea I think I had was something to the effect of trying to forward media created for queer purposes rather than just relying on fan media to build up the queerness around it.

This particular position softened, of all things, because of Star Trek: Deep Space 9. And make no mistake: I don’t actually think that highly of the bulk of a series about a religious motivated dad leading a specialist religious movement where the whole story farts out at the end. It’s the 90s, it’s a Star Trek, they’re all a bit rough and ropy, whatever. But for a time there I kinda had a negative view of the Garak/Bashir relationship that was treated as a element of the show’s queer representation. And like, that was interesting but it was also very much not text – we get to see Garak even establish a relationship with… a really creepy young lady, but whatever whatever that’s not important.

The point is that I thought that that was basically something like fanon. It seemed a kind of compromise, and I think I didn’t need that kind of compromise was acceptable. I wanted to platform queer media and that meant indulging in smaller and more indie work in an attempt to platform people.

Low key, this was a way in which I acted as if the creator of a work is a person who even exists, and that’s just not true.

And then we got to see interviews, now, decades later, with the actors – both of them – who played those characters, who made it very, very clear: Garak is trying to get Bashir into bed. This relationship is not straight. It has that tension, it’s not a thing we’re imagining, it’s a thing they tried to put into the story. And sure, they are, at this point, the same as fans, but they’re fans who had the choice to actually influence the making of the work. By discarding Deep Space 9 from ‘Queer Media’ because it’s not Queer enough I’m creating the impression that queer creators don’t get to be included because they might have been filtering their work through other lenses. It reminds me of Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette, where again, they said in response to the request for lesbian content, ‘I was on stage the whole time.’

Plus, I mean, most of the media I make, the books and the games and the TTRPG stuff, that’s all queer content but you’ll find surprisingly few directions of who sucks or fucks what or does not ever suck or fuck. One Stone doesn’t have a seriously straight character in the entire dialogue and I’ve written about how Cobrin’Seil is a world where ‘queer identities’ don’t even come up because the idea of queerness you exist with is a modern construct and if nobody wrote a book about how it was messed up in the modernist era, then there might be a wholly different set of values about that. The main way stuff I make ‘is queer’ is as a byproduct of me being the one who made it, which is to say I’ve gotten my queer cooties all over things, and if that’s the case then I kinda gotta be a little more giving to the work that is even aggressively heterosexual because it’s still art by queer artists working within constraints that were ultimately, not ideal.

Anyway, point is that that means that I was willing to approach the Pride Month media with a slightly wider arm, to grab in stuff that may have more of these transient properties, more work that’s made to highlight someone who is or has that queer element, someone bringing something to the forefront that isn’t necessarily as nakedly, tangibly obvious as like, the gag at the end of Paranorman. I got to watch a bunch of youths watch The Matrix for the first time last month and it was a trip watching as people who grew up in the world it shaped who had no idea how freaking queer it was.

The bricks the flower breaks to bloom are part of why and how it blossoms.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[helenofblackthorns]

(this got way too long i'm sorry lol) don't even get me started on the timeline there's so much that doesn't make sense!! i've tried to map it out because i am insane but i am definitely putting more thought into this than cc herself. like, in the days past 1900 chapter cordelia mentions that she's 13, when it's literally impossible for her to be 13 that year ????

and lowkey i am just very excited to see someone else mention the mess that it is the timeline because i've been thinking about when alastair and thomas must have gone on their travel year (and also during that travel year when thomas must have gone to paris because they wouldn't just give him a holiday immediately right, like it must have been december 1902 they met, yes i am overthinking this) for years lol

my best guess is that charles arranged to marry ariadne in early 1901 but it wasn't officially announced?? it was just an arrangement/promise and then he went to paris and met alastair later that year (though i think they'd already met yikes) and they dated sometime in 1901 (where alastair would have been 16-17 /yikes/), for any of this to work i think we just have to accept that shadowhunters can go on their year abroad before they turn 18, or maybe alastair wanted to get out of the house :( and then maybe charles told alastair of the engagement a little bit into their relationship?? don't even get me started on thomas' travel year, we know it lasted 9 months, was from 1902 to 1903 and he had come back fairly recently in august (and tbh i'm gonna stretch that definition of recent and just say the thieves are all being dramatic when they're still toasting him coming back at the beginning of chog). but he also took two weeks holiday in 1902 and saw alastair (who i have to assume was secretly visiting charles since if he was still on his travel year, he could have just said that instead of being cryptic and hilarious lol) anyways in conclusion the timeline is a mess

i thought cordelia's birthday must be really late in the year but i did not realise this means it would be impossible for her to have her parabatai ceremony lol, okay i can't work out that one unless everyone's straight up lying or don't know their own birthdays

anyways i clearly think about this way too much, sorry for rambling in your inbox, you did not ask for this lmao i have just had many thoughts about timelines from like two years ago that all bubbled up to the surface when i saw your post

okay I am finally answering this, I am so so sorry about the wait </3

honestly when it comes to timelines, I think cc just kinda says things vaguely enough that it makes sense as long as you don't think about it too hard lmao. Also I did not know Cordelia said she was 13 in 1900... In order for that to be possible she'd have to be born in either 1886 or 1887. I wonder if cc just forgot she had said Cordelia was born in 1885? that seems like the only viable option here 😭

Paris 1902 is so bad because a lot of the things that contradict it are in the same book 💀 like with other stuff at the very least you can give cc the benefit of the doubt that she forgot between writing short stories and whatnot. but the same book!! insanity!!

I don't think there's any way to twist it in order for it to make sense? like something has to be wrong. best I've got is Thomas turned 18 in Jan, went on travel year for roughly 8 months meaning he gets back to London right before the start of ChoG in August. He met Alastair in Paris in like, March or April 1903 when he was finishing up his travel year and Alastair was being cryptic just because. Charles and Alastair met in Sept. 1902 when Alastair went on his travel year to Paris; Charles and Ari are already engaged by this point (technically) and every other conflicting detail gets throw out the nearest window lmao. for me at least, shadowhunters going on their travel year before turning 18 defeats the purpose, which is to go on patrol and fight demons in a different country. and if they were able to at 17, I think there's several characters who would be currently on their travel year, like James and Matthew, and who obviously aren't.

The parabatai ceremony thing is annoying because cc actual reconned it :) in the codex it says you have be in childhood to become parabatai, and this is supported by Jem in clockwork prince. however, in tfsa, Simon is still able to become parabatai with Clary despite already turning 18, so now shadowhunters are considered children up until 19 but this only applies to the parabatai ceremony because in every other aspect of life they become adults at 18. this makes sense (not). personally i am of the option that Cordelia turning 18 and being unable to become parabatai with Lucie would have been more interesting, and added some stakes that chot desperately needed. plus it would be funny if they still became parabatai in the end because Will and Jem pulled some strings (the benefits of nepotism 😌)

the timeline of tlh is one of my great enemies at this point and I've held my tongue about it for far too long, so don't feel bad about rambling! (even if it takes me 3 months to reply 🫣)

[lifeofresulullah]

The Life of The Prophet Muhammad(pbuh): The Battle of Tabuk and Afterwards

Sending Governors and Zakah Collectors to Towns

In the 10th year of the Migration, the sun of Islam started to shine magnificently in many towns. Meanwhile, the Prophet sent governors and zakah, sadaqah collectors to all of the towns where Islam spread. Najran, Hadra­mut, San’a, Kinda, Sadif, Yemen, Zabid, Rima, Aden, Sahil, Janad (Ye­men) were among the places where governors and zakah collectors were sent.

Muadh b. Jabal is Sent to Yemen

It was when the Prophet was sending governors and zakah collectors to Muslim towns.

One day, after the morning prayer, he turned to the congregation and asked, “Who would like to go to Ye­men?”

Hazrat Abu Bakr said, “I would, O Messenger of Allah!”

The Prophet did not answer; he kept silent.

After a while, he asked again, “Who would like to go to Ye­men?”

This time, Hazrat Umar stood up and said, “I would, O Messenger of Allah!”

The Prophet did not answer Hazrat Umar, either.

After waiting for a while, he asked again, “Who would like to go to Ye­men?”

Muadh b. Jabal stood up  and said, “I would, O Messenger of Allah!”

Thereupon, the Prophet said, “O Muadh! This is your duty.”

At that time, Yemen was divided into three governorship. Muadh was appointed as the governor of Janad, the biggest one. He was going to be the judge there; he was going to teach people Islam and the Quran; he was also going to receive the zakah and sadaqah collected by the collectors.

While Muadh was about to leave Madinah, the Prophet said to him, “When a case is brought to you to settle, how will you make your judgment?”

Muadh said, “I will decide based on the decrees in the book of Allah.”

The Messenger of Allah asked, “If you cannot find it in the book of Allah, how will you make your judgment?”

Muadh answered, “I will judge based on the sunnah of the Messenger of Allah.”

This time, the Messenger of Allah said, “If you cannot find it in the sunnah of the Messenger of Allah, how will you make your judgment?”

Muadh said, “Then, I will make ijtihad based on my own view and make a judgment.”

The Prophet became very glad when he heard what he said. He showed his contentment by saying, “Praise be to Allah! He became content with the envoy of the Messenger of Allah and made him successful.”

The Orders and Advice of the Prophet

While Muadh was about to set off, the Prophet gave him the following orders and advice:

“You are going to a nation from the people of the Book. Invite them to believe in Allah and to witness that I am the Messenger of Allah. If they accept it, tell them that Allah has enjoined on them five prayers to be offered in one day and one night. And if they agree to it, tell them that Allah has enjoined on them zakah of their properties and it is to be taken from the rich among them and given to the poor. And if they agree to that, then take from them Zakah but do not take the best property of the people. Avoid the curse of an oppressed person because there is no veil between his prayer and Allah.”

Meanwhile, Muadh b. Jabal asked the Prophet to give him some advice. He said,

“O Messenger of Allah! Give me some advice.”

The Messenger of Allah said, “Fear Allah no matter where you are.”

Muadh said, “O Messenger of Allah! Give me some more advice.”

The Prophet said, “If you commit a sin, do a good deed immediately after it so that it will eliminate the sin.”

Muadh said, “O Messenger of Allah! Give me some more advice.”

The Prophet said, “Treat people with high ethics.”

The last piece of advice the Messenger of Allah gave to Muadh and Abu Musa al-Ash’ari, whom he sent together with Muadh, when he saw them off was:

“Make things easy for people, do not make it hard for them; give them good tidings and do not make them hate. Get on well with each other; do not fall into dispute.”

HAZRAT ALI IS SENT TO YEMEN(10th Year of the Migration, the month of Ramadan  / AD 631)

The Prophet gave Ali the duty of going to Mazhijes in Yemen and inviting them to Islam. There were three hundred cavalrymen with Hazrat Ali.

When the Prophet was about to see Hazrat Ali off, Hazrat Ali asked, “O Messenger of Allah! What shall I do?”

The Prophet said, “Proceed until you reach their land; when you reach there, invite them to say, ‘La ilaha illallah’. If they say, ‘La ilaha illallah’, order them to perform prayers. Take zakah from them and distribute it to the poor. Do not ask anything else. Know it very well that if Allah gives someone guidance through you, it is better for you than everything that the sun rises on in the eye of Allah. Do not fight them unless they fight you.”

Upon this order, Hazrat Ali went to Yemen with the mujahids under his command. He invited the people who met him to become Muslims. The people did not accept it and resisted them.

Thereupon, Hazrat Ali arranged his army and fought them. The enemy could not resist the mujahids and had to accept to become Muslims.

Some of their leaders went to Hazrat Ali and told him that they became Muslims and that they were the representatives of the tribes behind them. They also brought their zakah and gave it to Hazrat Ali.

Later, Hazrat Ali returned and reached the Prophet during the Farewell Hajj.

[gaast]

Why did you start writing horror short stories? You've probably told me before but I'd like to hear again!

Hmmm.

I started writing by writing really awful poetry starting in 5th or 6th grade. I remember in 7th grade English we had to write poems and the teacher read out some of his favorites and he wanted to read one of mine but I said no. That's just how I am.

Anyway, that experience still ruled, because someone in that class wrote something incredible and I was envious.

Well, anyway, one day I overheard a classmate who I respected kinda trashing my poetry, and he was right about it, so I stopped doing poetry and started writing stories. So I was like 13 when that happened, and I was regarded as one of the "emo kids" even if I didn't look the part because I was mentally ill. And also I grew up on like, Invader Zim and the older, edgier Nicktoons, so I was predisposed to writing darker stories.

Almost all of my writing from that era should actually survive on my deviantArt account. I wouldn't recommend it.

I wouldn't necessarily term that writing "horror," though. I was reading more (and therefore getting inspired by) Ayn Rand and Thomas Pynchon at the time (in 9th and 11th grade, respectively), so I wrote more self-consciously metafictional and postmodern stories, for better or worse. So I went from, like, imagining the minds of different fucked up killers to writing a sort of extension of "Six Characters in Search of an Author" mixed with Saw or something.

I sorta stopped writing as I attended college. I joined Tumblr with the fucking url "hewritesthings" and I never wrote things. The last thing I wrote before college was a choose-your-own-adventure-style thread on 4chan's /x/ that turned into a horror comedy piece where an evil flying penis monster was trying to summon John Cusack. That thread got archived.

After I finished grad school, it took me months to get back to reading, let alone writing. The person I was dating at the time and I had been talking about our OCs extensively for years, so I started writing slice of life stories about them as much as I could. Around the time I made this a habit was around the time I started thinking more seriously about what I wanted to do with my writing. At some point I decided I wanted to be published.

I think my repertoire was actually more sci-fi speculative than anything, as a lot of what I wanted to write was actually shit related to technology, as prompted by my Digital Humanities courses in grad school. I had a ton of good ideas I wanted to do for all these different sci-fi concepts, but none really panned out.

Around 2019, though, a few things happened. I joined Mastodon for a while and on the instance I was on I met another writer whose speculative work was inspiring to me. I thought of her as a rival, in a way, as well as a friend. The inspiration she gave me inspired me to write some of the work that I feel denote the transition to my current writing style--"Maintenance," which uses tech to enforce gender binaries in a way verging on horror, as well as the Twines I (at least, at one time) had in my itch page, particularly the one about bleeding out as you hang out with your friend at the mall. That was a bit too self-aware to be horror, but the later Twines I wrote about myself were definitely more in that vein.

Then, for NaNoWriMo, I threw out the initial concept I was developing about life on a space colony and ad-libbed a story about a person with edible skin.

This protagonist stuck with me, and the next year, as my relationship was clearly becoming toxic, I wrote a story expressing my frustrations, using that character as a base. I wrote it for an anthology of queer horror called Skulls & Spells, and it was accepted--my first publication. As part of the promotion for the book, all the authors collected in it answered a few interview questions that they posted on their Kickstarter; these questions were all about horror. And as I answered those questions, I realized that horror was simply the best way to tell queer stories the way I felt they needed to be told.

Because for me, queerness is monstrousness, but it's not right to make that monstrousness empowering. Rather, to be a queer monster, one must be a victim, must be falling apart, must refuse power and wholeness and identity altogether. Every queer story must be a horror story because it cannot fit comfortably within lived (heteronormative) experience.

As such, what got me writing horror was more a long process, fragmented and fitful, of finding myself in my writing and exploring my own philosophies, artistic or otherwise. It's not a grand tale--I was 13 and wrote about creepy forests or some shit to writing about gay robots in my 20s to now focusing on body horror as I hit 30--but it's a process that's still developing.

[chromotps]

AceLu and CoraLaw interactions I think they would have if they got together + HCs (this is just for fun and these are my opinions/ideas! They're kinda like my guinea pigs now lmao- I don't post so I just send these to you- Sorry:'D I don't spam but if these asks annoy you, let me know!) + Zosan and NamiVivi because yes

—

[After *coughs* making out]

Cora: oh! I smeared lipstick on you. sorry, let me wipe it off-

Law: ...leave it.

Cora: what? why?

Law, instead of answering, walks away with a very obvious blush and lipstick still smeared on his lips and its corners.

(I HC that Cora still wears make-up on occasions and on random times, mostly for Law but sometimes he does like to wear it for himself. He experiments with his looks with Ikkaku. They do skincare together, Law and other crewmembers joins them sometimes)

—

Ace: hey farmboy.

Luffy: hi cowboy!

(Their hats. Luffy literally has a strawhat and Ace's looks like a cowboy hat. He also gives off cowboy vibes- giggles. I think this is the only nickname they'd give each other honestly. They don't look like the type to use nicknames or terms of endearment used by couples. But that's just my opinion)

—

Cora: I got called Donquixote six times today. And also got called 'Doflamingo's little brother' three times. The name/title itself doesn't bother me, it's just people's tones...

Law, quietly: would you like mine?

Cora: what?

Law, stammering out a 'logical' explanation: I mean, if you had someone else's last name people would be more comfortable and accepting... I think. It would make it harder for them to remember and recognise that you're a part of the Donquixote family.

Cora: oh.. makes sense.

Law: so..?

Cora, laughing: propose to me properly, at least!

(Law didn't propose to him that day of course, because 1. he didn't have a ring and 2. he wanted to do it properly. Plus he wanted to surprise Cora. So I'm thinking he probably spent 3-5 weeks waiting before he officially proposed to catch Cora off-guard. Maybe it was grand, or maybe it was on a simple night when they're out on the Polar Tang's deck while talking about everything and nothing at all. In any way I want the Heart crew to be there bc they're precious to me. They burst through the doors and tackle the fiancées to give their congratulations lol. Trafalgar D. Rosinante am I right fellas—)

—

Zoro, watching Sanji lift Luffy's whole body with his legs high up: flexible.

Ace, watching Luffy twist his body to reach the food Sanji is holding: I agree.

—

Cora, Ace, Sanji and Vivi: wife?? why am I the wife?

Law, Luffy, Zoro and Nami: because you're sweet and you look good in white.

(Them >>>)

—

That's all for now!

OMG I,,, love these ideas,,,, they're very fun.... I'm happy to get asks!! It's true that these ships are pretty small, especially on tumblr, so I get that it's nice to just chat about them with another fan 😭

Coraaaaa what a sweetheart, apologizing about the makeup... 😂 I bet Law was the one who started the makeout anyway!!! He planned this!!!

"FARMBOY" AND "COWBOY" THEY'RE SO CUTE. UGH. farmboy luffy and his strawhat sitting in the sunlight, or carrying a bunch of sunflowers and other things he's grown to Ace... I reeeeallllllly want a cute little AU where like, Ace is an experienced cowboy (maybe he works as a ranch hand on Whitebeard's property or something?) and then Luffy buys the open land across from him. He drops by now and then, at first to ask Ace for help with little tasks while setting up his farm (and he always offers to help Ace with his work in return), but then he starts stopping by just to chat with Ace or watch him work or slip in compliments about how cool he looks... Ace is flustered and also thrown off by Luffy's carefree attitude, and the grump inside him thinks Luffy won't last a month as a farmer. But Luffy's persistent, and (with the help of a seemingly endless list of friends) he gets a nice farm going... Maybe he even starts bringing Ace flowers from the small patch by his house................... And Ace mellows out and admits that he's sweet on him and,,,,, ahhh,,,,,

eek got carried away. I just love AUs. 😭 I agree, they don't seem like the type for petnames, at least not in canon... maybe in different settings... But wow... Luffy waking up with Ace and going "Morning, Cowboy" and Ace laughing like "I'm not even wearing the hat right now"

"would you like mine" "Trafalgar D. Rosinante" that's SO!! romantic!!!!! Law letting that offer slip like he hasn't been thinking about it for the last year... That proposal would be so cute!! Especially with his crew celebrating their captain's happiness 😭 he really did find a good bunch of weirdos as a found family 😭😭

laughing forever at one-track-mind Zoro and Ace. Sometimes... those boys are dumb. I love them. also LOVE those 4 getting called sweet, they are!!! and they would look good in white......

[appreciatingtokrev]

6 n 8 for the fic ask game ‼️‼️

ty ty for the ask taku <3

6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that?

pfahahaha oml yeah. i’m over my cringy warrior cats fanfictions fron 5 years ago but i am NOT over my ayathoma smut fic from september 2021. seriously the only reason it’s still under my name is so i can flex with my 14k hits and 570 kudos adhkgsfjgd 😭 god i am begging all of you to ignore and forget that it exists. thanks 😭😭

8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

ohh okay i actually have two answers for this bc i’m not entirely sure abt the older one. but that would be an entire warrior cats fan arc, even with some special adventures and a short adventure. i started working on it in 2019 and to date i’ve only written three chapters, plus i’d have to revamp it all, but something kinda tempts me about it... (this one is actually published lol but i am not gonna tell you where)

the other one is the first tokrev fic i ever started writing, that was back in december 2021. so old... okay. the fic is in hanma’s pov. basically kisaki survives getting hit by a truck but is in a coma for months (close to a year?), and when he finally wakes up he’s lost most of his memory, including everything he used to know about hanma. hanma is devasted but tries to befriend kisaki again, but kisaki doesn’t want to have anything to do with delinquents now because he can’t remember hina and thus doesn’t have any reason to. meanwhile hanma is still hopelessly in love with him, but kisaki doesn’t even know that... they try to become friends some more, until kisaki eventually tells hanma that this won’t ever work and hanma confesses in despair. kisaki tells him that he’s sorry, but that he doesn’t at all feel the same (perhaps anymore, since he doesn’t remember what he used to feel) and hanma finally accepts that kisaki simply doesn’t like him at all now. that’s it lol tho uhm. tbh i kinda wanna revamp it now... with a happy ending... and focus on kisaki still having all of his feelings/emotions from before but taking a while to figure out that the person he misses so much bc he’s in love with them is hanma because he can’t remember hanma, only his feelings for him? like. amnesia fics where they fall in love again are cool and all but like. what if neither of them ever fall out of love. what if the only problem is kisaki is so fucking dense he doesn’t know who he’s in love with even though he sees hanma every day. because kisaki can’t piece the longing ache in his heart together with the guy who visits him every day bc apparently they were best friends or smth before he lost his memory even tho he feels weirdly warm n comfy around him and gets those familiar comfy feelings when he’s with him and also hanma looks very nice and makes kisaki feel safe and happy and all giddy inside. but even then kisaki longs bc they’re friends and not boyfriends, and kisaki just can’t piece together that the longing is for hanma even if they’re close bc he longs for romantic love when they’re only platonic and he is fucking STUPID and oblivious when it comes to himself

ask game link

[sesshy380]

1, 3 and 14 for the writer asks?

1- What led you to start writing fan fiction? 

Honestly, I've kinda always been 'writing' fanfiction and stories, just it used to be entirely through art when I was younger. I still have an old Digimon and Matrix OC floating around in a box somewhere (others as well, but I am far too embarrassed to admit what fandom they belong to lol).

As far as actually writing and publishing, I had binged someone's fic and brain had one of those 'If they can do this, so can I' moments. Started writing up the first chapter of a story that had been floating around in my mind for about a decade (and mutated immensely over that time), posted it, received a comment not even a few hours later, excitement high lead to mania that lasted three days, and ended up with another 2 chapters.

The high/mania obviously died down, but I found I enjoyed finally getting the story out there. I've attempted to write something original MANY times over the years, but I always gave up. I have a bad habit of picking up 'hobbies' during mania, then dropping them after the crash. That ONE COMMENT on my longfic made it where that didn't happen. I can let myself down, but I can't bear the idea of letting someone else down. I am now determined to finish longfic for both that commenter, and self-spite to prove that I can finish what I started. All the other fics I've written (and the insanity that comes with them), are just an added bonus lol

3- What experiences/influences have shaped your writings the most?

The entirety of my life for the most part. I would have to say the biggest, though, would be the death of my mom when I was 16. I was already at an age where I was struggling with a lot of prior traumas, not to mention dealing with awkward teenage everything, depression and anxiety, etc. My mom first discovered she had breast cancer when I was 13/14. She'd went through the chemo, radiation, mastectomy, etc, and had been declared cancer free when I was 15. A few months later the cancer returned in her remaining breast, and spread like wildfire into the surrounding tissue. It was such a huge whiplash from being cancer free, to terminal...all while still dealing with everything else. My mom is one of the few people in my life that never made me feel 'weird' or 'different'. I was just ME...and she reminded me all the time that being ME was more important that being what others wanted me to be.

My writing is full of healing and acceptance in its various forms because of the most pivotal moment of my life.

14- What aspects of your creative process do you enjoy most? Which are most challenging?

The part that I enjoy the most is just daydreaming/visualizing the story. The most challenging is turning brain video into those things called 'words'.

Thanks for the ask!

And if your brain does a 'Now I feel bad' because of my answer to number 3...DON'T. It's a scar on my heart and soul that gets ripped open on occasion, but it's made me who I am. I have endured and overcome a lot in my life, and if it was something I wasn't comfortable sharing publicly, I wouldn't.

There's still a few questions that haven't been asked yet if anyone else feels like participating. Questions can be found here. Answered questions: 1, 3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 12, 14, 16

[lostdreamersposts]

Year end thoughts

🎧 Palagi - TJ & KZ Version Haven't been here for almost 2 months. I went on a vacation last month. Went Bangkok and Bali to heal. I enjoyed Bangkok even if it was an extremely short vacation. 4 days wasn't enough. I went with my cousin. It was a spontaneous trip. I told her everything. It was really nice to have someone listen to you vent out everything without any judgement or harsh feedbacks. After my BKK trip... I stayed in HK for a week and then I went Bali next. Solo travel and yes, it wasn't planned. Another spontaneous trip. I needed that. Some time alone and away from everyone. It was kinda tough tho. Because I was still being bombard with work related calls and messages while I was on my vacation even after telling them everything. Anyway, Bali's really peaceful. Definitely the perfect place to heal. It healed me. I didn't feel the pain and emptiness anymore since I visited Bali and stayed there for a week. But, idk. Now that I'm here in HK again... everything's back again. I don't even know what to feel anymore. So much had happened and I don't have anyone to talk to. Early October, while I was still suffering from the pain, I met someone. Someone who would always call or message me and who checks on me. He even went to visit me at work. I didn't thought of anything at that time. Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa ako nakaka-move on at umiiyak pa din ako. I remember this one night that I cried for more than 4 hours straight due to the pain. Sobrang sakit pa din nung time na yun. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kasi pakiramdam ko pinapatay pa din ako ng paulit ulit. And that guy would talk to me and comfort me. So, inisip ko na... "oh! i've made a new friend who'd listen to me and comfort me." Fast forward during the vacation in Bangkok, I've thought of him. I bought souvenirs for him too and not just for my colleagues, fam and relatives. Then when I went back to HK, we met but i didn't get to give him the stuffs I bought in BKK for him because it was unplanned. That was a few days before I left for Bali... Same thing, I bought some stuffs for him too. And when I came back here in HK... I gave him everything I bought for him. We met a day before the music fest... We found out that we'd be working at the same venue for 3 days. He would drop by a few times at our stall at the music fest. He would bring me food...etc. I mean, I didn't notice that we were being way too close. All those hugs, head kisses, grabs by the waist, pull me closer every single time... I started to feel something for him. No, definitely not using him as a rebound or someone just to move on. We were getting close. He literally told me almost everything about him. What happened to his day, about his family, his past... everything. And I accepted that. Tanga lang kasi hindi ko napigilan sarili ko. I confessed. I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him and I'm sure we're not on the same page. Guess what he answered... "idk what to say" so yeah... that's when I found out na everything's just nothing to him. yep. Basically, just another girl for him. I even asked him where do we stand, if he wants to take it further. HAHAHAHA! Then I got no response. Seenzoned. I distanced myself. He has been posting all about depression and love. That's when I found out too that he's someone emotionally unavailable because he's someone na hindi pa nakaka-move on sa ex nya. He still loves her. Obviously. He has been viewing my ig story and liking them. But that won't make me message him again. Bahala na sya. That was just a crush anyway. And then, here I am... been scrolling through ig reels and i've been seeing so much about ladies relationship standards. Which brought back the pain again. Because all those "standards", my ex did all those for me. He's the standard and I don't think I'll ever experience that again. I'm not even going to deny that I miss him. Fck. I did everything to heal and move on and here I am again.

I promise to leave it all behind when the clock hits 12AM Jan 1st. I'm not going to bring that baggage with me in 2025.

[stfuviolet1]

Alhamdulillah, my prayer has been answered just at the right time. After almost 3 months of job hunting, 2 trial and error law firms, I finally received an offer to work at a place that aligns with my goals and values. I have been praying for this day and night and I know it might be too soon to judge, but I have a good feeling about this firm.

The pay may not be as high as the ones offered in KL, but looking at other factors, it seems like a fair rate to me. I mean it’s not that bad tho since I’ve got 2 other side jobs so money isn’t really the issue.

Last month, I declined an offer to work at Damien’s. YOO Damien and the whole team really be giving the Suits vibe. Istg Mr Ian looks like LOUIS LITT, the hair, the chubbiness, the teeth 😭😭 Damien is the most good looking one and he dresses as sharp as Harvey (he’s the MP duhh) and I guess Jeff is the Mike Ross in the group. And as much as I’d love to be a part of the team and who knows become the next Samantha/Jessica I just don’t feel right about it. No actually, I think I’d be fine but my mom won’t. They openly expressed their culture on how open minded and liberal they are yknow drinking and stuffs is a normal thing in the firm and I’m expected to blend in. And to tell the truth, as much as I know myself and I know I’m just as social butterfly, it’s different than my life in general. I know I can be pretty social I do stuffs too but I’m on some sort of soul searching and personal development and when it comes to people I hang out with, I get to choose when to hang out with them and when not to hang out with them yknow. I can avoid them as much as I want whenever I don’t feel like hanging out but when it comes to work? I wouldn’t have much choice and I don’t want to be stuck in a position where I have to lie to myself to fit in. I mean I will see them everyday every week and will most likely spend more than half of my day with them. Yeap Mr Ian told me you don’t dream of going back early I must stay in for as long as they need me to. So tell me how can I avoid them and not fall into the rabbit hole again. Sighs

Anyways enough with Damien, I went to another iv at KD and honestly I didn’t put too much hope on this one cause I don’t want to get disappointed. Didn’t prepare much as I wasn’t feeling well but showed up regardless, and I was so close to bail out when I couldn’t find a parking and when I did, I kinda lost sight of the company and had to walk veeeery very far just to find the place. In HEELS some more sheesh. Went in regardless, nicely greeted and filled in some forms. Few mins later Mr Greg, the MP of the firm came inside the meeting room to interview me (thank god the MP showed up so I don’t have to come for a second iv I thought to myself) spent an hour in the room answering to his questions and just listened to him talking. Well it was pretty smooth ivs he explained everything about the nature of my work and he allows me to be working under general litigation department which, the reason I wanted to switch firm. Oh ohh he’s a pro of work life balance too weee he literally told me he doesn’t want to see my face during the weekends lol.

But I guess,, the main reason why I’m open to accept his job offer is… he supports me. He doesn’t just support me but he encourages me to pursue my goals. He supports me to not just be a lawyer but also as an educator. Most of the interviewers’ that I have met in the past asked me if I am willing to let go of my side job just so I can devote my full time and attention to their firms when I told them I work as part time teacher. But Mr Greg.. he was really supportive of my side job he even encourage me to go back at 6pm sharp just so I could teach at night. I mean obv I ain’t gonna do that but it’s the thought that counts. I mean to think of it, all of the lawyers I talked to before really be gaslighting me when I don’t match their level of ‘hard work’ and romanticize slavery. I am very committed and dedicated towards my job it’s just I’m a firm believer that work should be a part of life, not the other way around and it really warms my heart to acknowledge that Mr Greg is living by the same principle as me. He was an educator before too so I guess that’s why we speak the same language and I guess maybe this is the right place for me at the moment. After all I don’t teach for money, I do it because it’s somehow therapeutic to me to be able to see my students once a week and deliver knowledge to them. The type of conversation we have each week and to witness their growth? Indescribable. I will work just as hard as everyone else until I see my name’s on the door, but as for now what’s important is I don’t jeopardize my sanity by indulging myself into a toxic working environment. I am and will always live by Jim Rohn’s quote;

“Work hard on yourself more than you work hard on your job. You work hard on your job, you’ll make a living and that’s fine but when you work harder on yourself, you’ll make a fortune. And that is the most noble thing you could ever done to yourself”

Fey 13/9/24

[a-spell-a-rebel-yell]

March

hello friends from faraway! i'm on time because guess what... i'm done with my assignments (for now)! finally 😭😭😭

quite literally underestimated second semester to be much easier and less busy than first semester... oh how horribly wrong i was. the mount of assignments is no joke. more classes and more professors mean more presentations i have to do. but do not worry your girl is always on top of everything and is proud to say i've always finished my assignments long before the deadline. this proven can be a double edged sword kind of thing - my profs have very high expectations on me and many times i'm picked to be the first to present or to teach the class 🧍‍♀️ the most hilarious thing about this was that some profs keep asking me whether i come from prestigious universities (Ul, UGM, Unpad etc) whenever i was able to answer their questions accordingly, and the shock on their faces when i told them i came from a private uni 😭😂 this happened three times and to me it's a very interesting experience to observe...

the double edged sword being that i remember my mum saying i could be a 'target' and that naturally people will 'latch' onto me - and she wasn't wrong. there were occasions where i bear the burden having to explain everything to everyone because the prof deemed me capable to replace her to teach, or having a classmate that keeps asking me gazillion things about our assignments when it was already explained clearly beforehand, and the worst of all is having someone copy my work (i can't say no because i'm the youngest, remember...) i did not literally spent hours every day reading textbooks and journals for this individual to copy paste what i've written in just a few secs!? well thankfully i can be more assertive these days and tell them i do not accept to be treated this way, and it was resolved quickly... but you see, my mum is right. i'm the target 🤪

but other than that school is fun. i love learning new things. i feel like i've found the thing i'm interested the most because instead of getting scared about new things now i kinda become more intrigued and excited! still have my anxious, overthinking self popping in here and there, but i've adjusted to it. here i feel like your surrounding really does shape you, in a way now i'm in an environment where curiosity and the thirst to chase answers are highly appreciated, so i become one who questions almost everything. everyone is always prepared, with knowledge on one hand and experience on the other, so i act just as such. at my prev uni all those didn't matter much so i did feel like my mind was dulled and dimmed back then...

in the same note, this month i finally get to experience a class with a 'unique' prof, a different kind... i don't mean it in a negative undertone but he is thought provoking, if i may say. his way of teaching is like tiptoeing on thin ice and free diving at the same time, every meeting leaves an impression, an indent in my mind for sure 😂 but i must add he is very smart, has unfaltering integrity, and i respect him for that. definitely a very interesting persona and a cool lecturer! will study about preadjusted Edgewise system under his supervision, excited to start because this is the most commonly used bracket system these days.

also March this year is special because of Ramadan is here! when Ramadan started thankfully i've done 1/3 of my assignments so they didn't interfere with my prayers. what it did is mess up my sleep schedule 😂 some of my classes start at 7 AM and lasts through until 12 PM, and the lot of us could barely stopped ourselves from falling asleep at class 😭 but anyways i pulled through and made a Ramadan special schedule where i have to stop working by 6 PM, the rest of the night is for prayers and Quran reading. and no matter how exhausted i am, i will always try to go to the mosque and do 23 rakaah of taraweeh prayers. at the mosque near my house it lasted from 7-10 PM... sometimes i feel like my feet is about to fall off or that my body is too tired, but then i remember i could literally spend almost 12 hours to queue and see coldplay back at Singapore so now how could i even dare not to spend 3 hours to see Allah? that's an instant energy boost for sure 🥺

midway Ramadan, we had our first ever orthodontics dept gathering for break fasting! the tricky part of this was that my year had to prepare a performance, and can you imagine all of us swamped by assignments and fasting, yet we still have to rehearse a performance!? 😂 as per usual i became the class' ghost coordinator - if it weren't for me pushing my classmates around to do things they won't do it lol and so finally we came up with a simple choreo and kak Omi's husband provided us a song to dance to. the performance wasn't really a success as expected hahaha but our profs and seniors said they appreciated the effort 🤪 syncing our moves was so hard but oh well we tried!

at the end of March, i got to meet the barudaks - Dimas/Aria/Kanti/Syifa and it's our new group name lol it was 4/4 before 😂 the weirdest mismatched bunch from senior high school that somehow became my closest friends... well that tends to happen when reality lumped you in lol. this time we celebrated Kanti's bday and her return from her internship at Maluku. had a potluck and everyone had to bring food with their initials as the first letter of its name, i brought (s)iomay! spent 5 hours playing at Aria's house and just talk about anything from job to love life, playing Nintendo Switch, it was so much fun i love laughing a lot with them!

oh boy March has been quite eventful! halfway done with second semester, can you believe it!? i feel like as i get older time somehow moves faster, i'm now about to prepare to enter my clinical years starting in third semester... more exciting things to come! will visit Bali twice (Menjangan at May 20-22 for huge ortho dept gathering and social charities, then Denpasar at September 19-21 for Indonesian Association of Orthodontist annual meeting) and other seminars 🤩🤩

right now we're entering the last 10 days of Ramadan and i'm feeling emotional as usual because how can it end so fast!? i feel like i haven't done much this time. so much rain these days and i can only keep reciting my prayers... may Allah grants us the chance to see Ramadan again next month 🙏🏻

well, that is all for now. see you on April post. until then, keep yourself healthy and happy, my dear friends 💙

[brianyololau]

3/23/24

Today's been unusually slow. It's the first time in months the daytime and evening have been hot. I also haven't had any career/school related tasks the past few days, and my two recent night shifts kinda threw my body's circadian rhythm for a loop for a bit.

I'm also feeling stressed, and I feel like it's not just one thing. I feel like it's my career, my job, my friends, my love life, my single life, my family, and my adulthood. Everything is such an individualistic experience now, and I think it's because I'm no longer in school.

School conditioned me to have a group like mentality. The cohort sits in class together. The cohort studies together. The cohort talks and celebrates together. Now that my 24 years of learning is over, it's now time for me to do my own thing, and what if that thing isn't as fun and easy as I thought?

What if I'm having second thoughts seeing all these work from home people sit at at home with their pets and being able to cook and clean for their significant other? Making more with more benefits than me, a healthcare worker who dedicated his career to saving lives?

Why do I feel like an easy and dispensable pawn able to be sent to the gallows in this respected industry?

Maybe the first step to answering all these questions first is to be real with myself. Maybe I need to accept my reality and embrace the journey which will get me to where I'm at eventually. Maybe taking the longer, more dangerous, and fulfilling route will bring value to my life in the long run.

I could have been a businessman, software engineer, or analyst.

Why did I choose such a less convenient career?

I did it because I wanted to be an FNP, to diagnose and treat people from all walks of life. I wanted to heal the broken, heal myself, and make a ton of fucking money along the way.

Can I still achieve this goal?

How?

I'd like to do all of this, but what happens when I start a family?

I'd want to work from home, make more money, stay with my dog and kids, and be there mentally for them.

I wouldn't be able to as much as an FNP who has to be in office and makes less than other specialties...

and if I choose to eventually work from home, I'd have to become a PMHNP. Am I even capable of that? Is that what I want to deal with for the rest of my career? People who are broken and suffering at the lowest point of their lives? Prescribing drugs while half the time, these poor patients can't even afford or can bring themselves to therapy?

Will I lose myself in the process?

No. All these questions and doubts. They're just hurdles that I have to face one by one. Step by step. That's the whole point of a journey. I'm just afraid if it's the right one for me. Well, I already know I like the ER, and I know that I don't plan on doing it forever.

What kind of education system doesn't warn its students that ER has the highest rate of burnout and that most people don't last their whole careers there? I wasn't even extensively taught how dangerous it could be to be poked by an infective needle. My life expectancy could go down to 5-10 years from a hepatitis infected needle, and there's no cure for that.

What kind of a sick joke is that? and for lesser pay than other specialties?

And for the government to force hospitals to eat the bill for every homeless or financially helpless who shows up at the hospital door. I understand the moral behind this, but how come the government doesn't eat the fucking bill? Shouldn't they help out than levy their own healthcare companies that affect the pay distribution of healthcare workers? Sounds like a big fuck you to me.

I need to find a way to make more than this. I like healthcare, but I think I only wanna work part time eventually. I need a replaceable income. I keep talking about this, but I've yet to actually do it.

I also know there's a long year ahead financially, socially, personally, and creatively. I'm so close to being in a position of potential independency. I just need a fuckin job.

May too. I'm afraid of pursuing something with her. I'm just not ready for something so serious so fast, and I don't wanna lose her. It's to the point where whenever we have the slightest romantic moment together, I immediately shut it out hurting myself in the process. I'd just rather find someone else I admire just as much if not even more because I think a reality like that can exist. What, 7 billion people in the world and half of the women? Aint no way I don't have a wifey out there for me. I've only been living in one city my whole life. I still got my life to live, and it has to be soon cause I aint getting any younger. It's time to live. Live for my younger self, for the life my parents didn't get to live, for the dreams sacrificed so I could carry them and live my own, for all the sights and experiences waiting for me to bring home and share with my family, for the inner conscience not yet healed, and for myself in the present.

I swear I'll live like my heart's beating out my chest. My ancestors are gonna look down and see flames of a new world order built upon love and pure fucking action.

[wandapinkay]

HIIIII it's friendly anon back again!! ヾ(ゝω・)ノ

the pleasure is all mine, i assure you! :D i was a bit apprehensive to drop in your inbox at first - since i'm not well-versed in self-shipping culture and ask culture on this site is tragically dead - but i got a cool new parasocial friendship out of it and i discovered a new and exciting way to consume media and enjoy characters, so i'm glad that i did!! \^o^/ it took me a long time to realize it, but i truly think self-shipping was the last piece of the puzzle that i was missing in my previous hyperfixations. so what if that man is fictional, what do you mean he can't be mine??

in other news, i've already gotten four of my friends to watch steins;gate and i also recently convinced my sister and her husband to give it a try! i have rewatched the entire show three times alone this month, i am fully insane 🙏

WAITTTT THOSE CATBOY EDITS ARE SO CUTE ACTUALLY 🥺🥺i'm so impressed with how authentic they look, how did you capture the steins;gate style so well?? the second one on particular looks so real, suddenly i'm convinced daru was a catboy the whole time and i just never noticed lol

MAD respect for that 200-unit daru pic collection btw, i've been deep-diving in the darkest corners of the internet for fanart of okabe and i have found some amazing comics featuring daru that made me think of you ( ¯ ³¯)♡! on that note, i've also seen some very sweet drawings of daru with baby suzuha which, out of curiosity, made me wonder what your thoughts on them are together as father and daughter! i adore them honestly, but i'm curious to know if you feel differently about them since you self-ship with daru! i've seen a couple selfshippers in another fandom i frequent who have drawn fankids with their f/o's before and that got me wondering since suzuha is a unique case :)

ASDFJAKSFKSF YES THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE VN idk why i called it that, i think someone else called it that in a reddit post-

nevertheless, my point stands. i cannot even begin to express my disappointment that we didn't get to see daru OR okabe in a maid outfit. heck, we didn't even get to see daru in his penguin suit (though the fact that he was really popular in it made me cackle)! i mean it when i say that if the devs hadn't been cowards and gave us frilly daru and okabe, i would not have looked even twice at the girls. the men yearn for the frills!!! \o/

wahhhh you really are so nice, i appreciate you a bunch :) :) and wow, i thought for sure you'd been part of the community for longer than a year, you seem so comfortable here! was it easy for you to get settled in the community? you've been so nice, but i'm a bit scared to dip my toes in the self-shipping tag if you have any advice👉👈 (thank you again for being so kind and accommodating!! ^^;)

I DID, I SAID THE LINE!! WHERE IS MY PRIZE

your message has been delivered and summarily ignored except for the kiss which he accepted with dignity :3

to sign off, i am blowing both you and daru a pair of friendly kisses! i wish you both a very good night AND OH MAN I ALMOST FORGOT IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY IN TWO DAYS??? in that case, i wish you both a good night AND a wonderful valentine's day if you have any plans!!

thank you again for reading!! i will most assuredly be back if i am still welcome! (ᴗ͈ ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ

OMG HI ONCE AGAIN!! SO SORRY IF I TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER YOUR ASK, I WAS BUSYY 😭 Still so happy for the fact you're enjoying your new hobbie, I think everyone should try selfshipping at least once in their lives.. and woAHH amazing steins;gate propaganda you've done there! Wish I could do that to most of my friends but some have already seen it ages ago and some aren't just interested so I just kinda gave up HFH ALSO HOOOLY and I thought finishing the series in like,, 2 months was mental but you got me there I'm honest /lh I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW HOW I DID IT?? I just kinda went with it by using a small brush with no pressure and blurring out everything a little bit so it matched the og pic's quality I suppose?? I'm happy you think they seem legit, I did my job well then ; u ; <3 OMG THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU THOUGHH 🥺🥺 now you got me curious on which ones you're referring to waa.. ALSO UMM.. ABOUT SUZUHA- I had a few concepts for how my relationship with Daru would work in-universe.. so I made a couple of them: one is the "good" ending I guess, while another is just "angst™"

.. yeah, can you tell I felt awful while coming up with the second one? GDGSFGFSD IT'S FINE THOUGH, I'M OK NOW But this is besides the point; I actually really love Suzuha's character and I prefer her over the other girls.. and my favorite dynamic is hers with Daru and Yuki (ironically).. seeing Daru being a dad melts my heart because sometimes I wish I had a father figure as sweet as he is aaa I prefer to see myself with Daru than project myself onto Yuki though, because I'd treat him differently than he does sometimes if I gotta be honest Still, hope you like the silly ideas- WAIT,, UH?? DARU HAS A PENGUIN SUIT?? I NEED TO SEE IT SO BADD 😭😭 Also fr, why can't they just satisfy the boy's fans for once,, I feel like they're leaving us out on purpose at this point- /j

Btw, for the selfship community part, I didn't really do much! I just started to post my artwork in the tag and started following and interacting with some peeps, although rarely because I'm still akward about it, but the people in it are so nice!! In my opinion, it's worth a shot!

Also thank you so much!! I hope you had a great Valentine's day with Okabe as well, sending you kisses as well! I posted a fanart that is kinda vday themed but nothing selfshippy unfortunately, but me and Daru would have probably chilled at home, exchanging eachother chocolates and stuff like that! Idk, I'm not a very "outside" person but if we had in plan to go somewhere like the May Queen to get something together, I wouldn't have minded either!

Of course you're welcome to come back, it's always a pleasure! Since I don't get asks often, it brightens up my day to see something in my inbox once in a while, so thank you still for feeling comfy enough to come back! Have a great day/night! 💕💕