#these arent very well thought out but still! not that ugly!

[camelspit]

uhh very quick alternate graphic novel clothing design ideas for sophie.

@skylilac @callas-pancake-tree @arson-anarchy-death @steal-nightmares-leave-dreams @neverseen-nevermore @abubble125 @purplesoup-lad-le @gay-otlc @thefoxysnake @keeper-of-the-lost-dadwin @ravs6709 @did-i-say-you-could-get-up @kamikothe1and0nly @that-glasses-dog @presidentroarie @even-if-in-another-time @nyxpixels @slozhnos @katniss-elizabeth-chase @sofia-not-sophie @moontoastt @lemon-girl-in-devil-town @three-bunnies-in-a-trenchcoat @purpleunicycle @just-a-honey-badger @loverofallthingssmart @antisocialdork @tamsong @cutebisexualmess

[larrythefloridaman]

Thinking about Prism's relationship to motherhood and honestly I cant decide if its more thematically interesting to assume she did or didn't have a choice in the matter in being the cibling's parent. I think that not being directly addressed is a good choice not because it wouldn't inform things about prism but because either way works on different layers of the cpuk authorship metaphor and the ambiguity allows both possibilities to exist simultaneously.

If she didn't choose to be a mother, and spectrum just dropped them in her lap, well, she never REALLY got much of a choice in anything, given shes a fictional character with a Role To Play, its just one more thing on the pile that becomes painful due to her percieved or actual lack of choice in it, that she both embraces and abdicates responsibility for by placing it in spectrum's hands and distancing herself from it, hence taking the 'babysitter' title rather than the more Personal one of 'mother', enforcing a role on herself as much as anyone else, albeit with a caveat appealing to her own desire to keep her hands clean, showcasing the hypocrisy at the heart of her beliefs about controlling people and understanding the characters as tools and nothing worth more respect than a tool, 'its bad and ugly and evil to control other people but not when i do it :)' and 'its good for me to do what i do i have to play my role its my job you can't hold me responsible- but ill make some exceptions for my own comfort :)' two sides of the same self-interested coin.

On the OTHER hand, if she made the ciblings and chose to be a mother, and then abdicated that label at some point... alone at the endless well of possibility, the origin point of the world with absolute power, you choose to create, to create people that are not you, an Other, little hearts shaped by your every move, even in ways you don't see. They begin to act on their own, personalities blossoming. Autonomous little people you guide and shape. You're their whole world, and you love them. Your power still is absolute. But then, something starts to change. They start to develop and become their own people, self-possessed, expressing their individuality and autonomy they develop in ways that... displease you. They're not pets, theyre not just your little dolls to play with anymore, they have wills that can conflict with your own, WILL conflict with your own, because theyre not even JUST shaped by you anymore- theyre shaped by eachother and everyone and everything else, too. You start having to manipulate their personalities to get them to do what you want, to play along with your game, you mean them no harm, your actions arent guided by willful cruelty... you just need them to listen to you. To behave. To make things easy for you. You made them, you have responsibility for them, you have authority OVER them, you had a job to do. do you judge someone for loving a dog enough to train it?

This works. It takes learning how to twist the strings on each of your little poppets, closely and personally, but it works. And things are so much easier when it works! But sooner or later, the illusion starts to crack. They can't see the strings yet, and they wont, not for a very long time. but they know something is wrong, and they grow willful and resistant again. All this work to craft them and direct them and make them the best they can be, and they show you no gratitude, only skepticism and rebellion. One in particular, the youngest, offputting and mischievous since the start, had grown bratty and insolent. And so, pushed to your limit, you... make an example out of him.

But what you hadnt counted on was that you'd spent long enough learning who they were as individuals for the fresh cruelty of this act to be... meaningful, to you. You felt awful. You could glimpse, in your periphery, just how low you'd really sunk. It was wrong and you knew it. But you couldnt bear the thought. You couldn't look directly at it. So you didnt. You cast off the responsibility, along with the title, trading it for another. From a mother to a babysitter.

And you got what you wanted. Unconditional love didn't, conditional love didn't either, but fear? That kept your house in order, neat as you wanted it, you thought. You didn't even have to do as much anymore- the eldest, a thorn in your side who once demanded sense from you practically ran the ship for you now, smoothing out as many bumps as he could before they could even reach you, terrified of what you'd do. Sure, you'd permanently ruined your relationship with your youngest, but whats a few eggs for an omelette :)

[terranceholdsapencil]

I just watched space babies and Im gonna put some moments under the cut that are just so,,,

DOCTOR WHO SERIES 14 EPISODE 2 SPOILERS‼️ "Space babies"

-lets make this episode into one big exposition/lore dump so everyone knows whats going on

-RANI MENTIONED

-dinos <3

-ruby stepping on an actual butterfly and 15 blowing life into it again 😭 that was so stupid I absolute love it

-"One day this is wyoming"

-"Aha! Is that like a, uh, matter transporter like in star trek?" "hehehE! weve gotta visit them someday."

Im not even much of a star trek fan but I could totally watch doctor who with my star trek-autistic dad if there was a crossover. Also a crossover would be bangers.

-"Most of the universe is knackered, babes" fair.

-something about "the question is, why did I run?" "cause it was scAry!" "It was new. I LOVE meeting new things, so why did it give ME the shivers? I couldn´t run fast enough I was like 👏 WOOSH!"

I was like *clap* WOOSH!! (New stim unlocked)

-"So, this place, grows babies. What for? FoOd?" "fOo- who-whOT. FOOD? Theyre not tOmAtOes"

The way he said tomatoes is very special to me. As well as the general absurdity of that whole moment, actually

-giving her phone the space-time-signal boost!!! THAT MADE ME SO HAPPY TO SEE ON SCREEN AGAIN

-space babies. First I was a bit annoyed and baffled by the way he kept saying space babies but eventually he said it so often I just went "SPACE BABIES :D"

-ruby and 15 handling the space babies??? 😭 Man that was so pure

-maybe thats growing up queer and autistic but this line killed me

"Nobody grows up wrong.

You are, what you are, and that is magnificent"

Okay Im just gonna sit down and CRY because I really needed my comfort character to tell me this. Im not ready for it yet but I still need it. Ill get back to this once Im at peace with myself. To heal.

-"because I, am absolutely lovely, arent I? 🥰"

-"And do you wanna know my secret?

Theres no one like me in the whole, wide, universe. No one like me exists, and thats true of everyone. Its not a problem, captain pops. Its a superpower 💪 High five!"

-i absolutely laughed out loud and almost woke my father when ruby tried to calm the space babies and 15 kept scaring them.

"Theres no such things as the bogeman. That thing, was more-- sort of like, a, uhhh," "BOGEYMAN!"

-"That should recalibrate the whole shebang"

-abortion allegory got like super spelled out at one point and that was a bit awkward but I have no strong opinion on it, because the point they make still stands.

"Hang on. So, the planet down below will refuse to stop the babies being born, but once theyre born, they dont look after them??"

-the way jocelyn said 'because its terrifying" after 15 said "and WhY was I so scared?"

Also: "Yeah but Ive met a million ugly bugs, *I´m* and ugly bug, ThAt THIng, made me run, I just wonder why" youre not an ugly bug gorgeous

-"babies with a flame thrower?!" Was possibly the stupidest thing Ive ever seen and Im so happy cause that is exactly how doctor who works. Babies with flame throwers. Who even thought of that.

Also reminded me of the fact daleks had flame throwers at one point

-"The teaching software, it told a story!" "it invented the bogeyman!" "For the babies 🥺" "For the space babies 🥺" (i love them)

-snot monster

-it did confuse me how familiar they seem already. And that he basically gave her a tardis key before she even really agreed to travel with him. I LOVE them dont get me wrong but that felt too quick

-seeing mum at christmas <3

-"tell your mum not to slap me" someone has never recovered from jackie and sylvia

-ohhh dna scan

-probably something I forgot but:

Episode was fun. Too exposition heavy at times and structured differently from 'normal' who. But fun. And also super silly. And we LOVE super silly.

Space Babies. Space babies with flame throwers.

[estrophore]

Signalis Post (barely coherent thought vomit)

So I finished signalis on Monday and i think ive just about recovered enough for me to make a gush post about it on tumblr dot com, which i think i have to do cause i dont think any other game has really hit me as hard as this one. Spoilers obvs.

Being pre-transion, with that associated depression and closing off from oneself, ive always found it difficult to get out my feelings, even in private with just myself, and yet signalis has filled me throughout with its beautiful romantic melancholy and left me genuinely sobbing for the gay robot and her space girlfriend (almost worried that if id played this game on estrogen it might actually have just killed me on the spot). the only other times i can think of where i really cried were playing We Know The Devil near the beginning of the year, which really fkin hit the part of me that struggles to accept myself, and that time i rewatched the last episode of she-ra after reading the ‘Word War Etheria’ fanfic, which brings the characters so much more to life i fell for them all over again.

Signalis is a game that calls back to a lot of classic horror like resident evil and silent hill, which i havent got round to playing any of yet, but i think nostalgia works both ways sometimes and i’ll be playing them sooner now. sometimes horror gets stereotyped as all death and violence, some games fill themselves with skulls and corpses, and big ugly monsters and basically shout ‘DEATH!’ in your face repeatedly and it all just comes off as a bit garish and ridiculous and not actually very scary really. Signalis sits at the other end of that scale (with some of my other fav horror games like soma, cry of fear) where its environs are most usually just… quiet. Still. Muffled. Sad. just as often as theres tension or creeping fear because of this i find theres a strange kind of comfort too. Maybe its just that in most other genres of games theres so much of music, UI elements, pickups and interactibles with vibrant design. Here, theres room for your mind to just occupy the space. A soft fog. A dimly lit room. An empty train. Snow out a window. Liminal spaces that dont expect anything from you.

Signalis is a game thats just simply, unapologetically gay, and i dont think i would have been quite so invested in Elster and Ariane’s relationship if they were a straight couple. Its why representation is important, if art’s way for us to explore our emotions then its important to have media that we can relate to. Even Adler’s role isnt typically masculine. Our replika characters are manufactured, designed for certain roles in the base. Notes from the tough Stars and Storchs in the shooting range, the dollish Eules with the fairy lights and music player in the dorm. I couldnt help but think of groups of Eules sat around chatting, together, and im yearning for that feeling of togetherness, of understanding a friend that closely. I somehow missed the couple in the mineshaft (next playthough, ill find you v_v ). Despite the harshness of life in the Eusan nation (especially for the gestalts) the characters in it are defined by their feelings of belonging and hope. With the obvious parallels to east germany, i think of posters of cosmonauts and space travel from the time. Propaganda, sure but also made with the genuine belief in something greater. When the events of the game take this away, well, we find the last Kolibri, whod rather lose herself than lose her [ah. Im not sure theres a word here to properly describe the relationship they embody]. Its a game defined by loneliness.

We dont lie up at night scared by some corrupted android. We arent stuck with horror at the flesh everywhere, not on its own. We lie awake thinking about Elster and Ariane’s love for each other, the horror of their decline, the futility of trying to hold on forever. Its existential horror done perfectly. It shows an ending postponed and stretched far beyond its limits, and so squarely reminds you that you do, in fact, have to die one day. You’ll break down. One day you’ll say your last words to the people you love and you wont even know you have. Ariane’s final few diaries arrive with the full force of the narrative behind it, like a spear through my heart. For the record, I got the promise ending. Im still sad. It's a game about raging desperately against an unfair ending. I might think about this game for the rest of my life. I would sincerely say its an artistic masterpiece, by the sure definition of video games as art.

I like that the story leaves a lot open and abstract. I think it makes the emotional themes takes centre stage more. And i havent had nearly enough time to sift through it and come up with my own takes, we’ll need a few more playthroughs for that. And theres so much more to say that cant go in just these few paragraphs! Signalis is a game about two girls who had to run away from everything to find someone they belonged with. The universe may be cold and bleak, but you have to try, you might just find something beautiful, even if it doesnt last forever. I think if anything, we should all have the chance to find love and happiness like that, and we shouldnt have abandon a world that doesnt work for us to do it.

[yuigadokson]

just tumblr lol i still love my blog a lot and it is the only place online i enjoy being with ppl. but sometimes i just feel like 'meh,what's the point....' maybe i've just been low energy...how do ppl do/watch/read so many things ? how can ppl consumed so much ? I feel ugly to have this constant thought about always need to catch up with things,with people, when i 100% know that i really don't have to. I am just very tired of myself....so yes...even i like being here but i am also struggling....sorry for talking so much.

This got long sorry

never apologise!! I totally feel what you are going through, what i feel is that you are putting too much burden on yourself, one good thing is you love your blog (and i love your blog too and loooove seeing you post on the timeline<3) but if you feel that your online timeline makes you feel as if you arenot keeping up with things, than i feel you should try to either mute things that dont bring joy

Nothing wrong with it, you have been taking breaks and if you enjoy it thats good, everyone here and everyone everywhere does things cause they want to do it and if you arent able to keep up, why worry, you are going at your own pace, at this point i also never keep up with anything too so your arent alone, somedays online timeline can be overwhelming and i truly hope that you dont overburden yourself with simply this small part of the universe

Consider tumblr like a newspaper at times you dont read every single news, and in the same way you dont have to pay attention to every single post here, or just consider it your diary, write and post stuff about your day and maybe keep a 2 or 3 min timer and when thats done just close the app and go for a walk or drink some delicious coffee so whatever you feel when you open tumblr doesnt affect you too much as you are now doing what you enjoy <3

I am sorry i am not good with advise i also ran away from social media and at present am only watching or checking out social media for stuff that brings me joy and when it gets too much i just throw my phone in the other room and just clean or organize stuff ;;

This got long so sorry but pls know i will always love you and i am here for you and i simply wish you dont stress yourself and can do things that bring you joy! You are enough you dont need to define your actions you are doing well!!!

[pinkwizardd]

blah blah

my dad thinks maybe my sleeps just fucked up. i went to get him taco bell today and although i didnt cry yesterday i broke down on the way home tonight like ugly sobbing. i feel like i am never going to feel good again, i feel like i did when i was using. whenever i feel even slightly rejected it's like i'm being stabbed and pulled under the ground. i guess maybe we are out of the honeymoon phase or maybe i am just looking for any available indication that he is going to turn on me at any moment. gee, i wonder why. but i dont know what the source of this overall depression is, i feel really severely not well. i feel like i can distract myself for a little while, but with any minor trigger or once the distraction is lost i am back feeling hopeless and alone. it feels like nobody around me is real. i cant find the words to explain. i dont want to be truly vulnerable at all.

i want to write something or make something or anything to get me out of this hole but just like when i was using, abandoned and abused, a raw open wound isolated and impotent, i have nothing worthwhile to say. i am not one of those people who can make meaning out of their suffering. i am scared that i lack resilience, but i think of my parents and hope they passed some on to me. instead of a raw open wound i feel like a festering one, sort of oozing and untended, desperate for proper attention, for me to do something about it. nobody can help me cause i have to do it myself. i hate this feeling like nothing i do matters and no matter what i do it wont get better. i hate feeling suspicious and resentful toward people who arent actually doing anything wrong to me as far as i can rationally tell. lmao even in that sentence the qualifier of "as far as i can rationally tell" gives away how intense my paranoid awful thoughts are that i cant fully trust anything in front of me. i cant trust and i cant do what i did before. throw myself out in the open to be hurt however the other person felt like it. i've lost that. i'm not so naive anymore. and i've been conditioned to repress things and hide my feelings in order to try to keep someone happy and close to me. i dont want to do that anymore. it hurts me.

i am overly sensitive and react very badly to pretty normal innocent things. i perceive my reaction as wrong and unjust so i tell myself no that's bad you shouldnt feel that its wrong and i turn it in on myself. i cant hold it in so i just cry and cry and cant say whats wrong because i've lost the plot from sheer overwhelm. like i dont even remember why i cried on the way home. i just couldnt stop it from happening. i was going to go to bed at 3 but i'm too angry and sad to sleep over something that shouldnt matter. i still feel like a stupid slighted loser being lied to and gaslit and devalued. i feel ashamed and anguished reminded in these feelings of times like a phone call years ago where i lashed out in actually rightful paranoia and was treated like i was crazy and irrational. i remember asking a lot if they were laughing at me on speaker with their stupid friend because i felt so foolish and broken down. it all made me feel so stupid and awful.

i am scared to change and exhausted. maybe i should just try to talk to him about it as honestly as i can, try to find a therapist, do something different. but i keep going back to the same patterns thinking i'll make it work, because that's what i do, because i am an addict. i am a dry drunk and i just want to feel good. all i've tried to do for a long time, desperately, is to feel good. and look where thats fucking got me!!!!!

i am so angry and sad and rejected i dont want to do all my normal distractions but its not like i wanna fucking do anythign else either. i just want it to be fixed and good and whole. i dont want to be this fragile ugly non-person anymroe

[nocentraltheme]

dear diary

i am exhausted. i am lost. i am not well. i am writing a tumblr post which is weird enough. its coming to the end of my 3rd semester in a technical uni and i am tired. tests are not going well. spent the last 2 weeks studying and barely learned a thing. im getting easily distracted. I tried cutting every distraction out of my life. im using extentions that limit my time on social media, im barely watching youtube, im drinking a lot less. and people doing less achieve more. people barely trying and cheating their way through collage are having a blast. they go to parties. not saying im the only one feeling this way. far from it. but i struggle. nothing and noone, but i can change that. i will have to wake up tomorrow, i have an exam on monday. but i sometimes wish i wouldnt have to.

i still dont have a more intimate relationship with anyone.. and i dont just mean i dont have a girlfriend, but anyone who i can actually talk to and cry to and be happy to. i have friends. they arent bad friends. but they arent exactly what i need. i dont know what or who i need

im not having many wins in my clubs either. not that good at computers as id like to think, not that knowledgable in electronics and mechanics as people might mistake. not advancing in my hobbies, with my projects. havent picked up a guitar in a week.

not that i would have time for a girlfriend, mind you. i dont think im ugly, but i definately am not handsome either. i need a haircut for sure. but i really do feel like the only way i could get in a relationship, is if a girl approached me and decided to put up with my bullshit. i dont want to put up with my bullshit. never been in a serious relationship to be fair. almost called my only real ex today. did not in the end which i am very proud of. i do not think i could uphold a real conversation with anyone, let alone a date im actually interested in. i botched my only date this year. and also the girl i met in a summer camp. i probably have commitment issues, but im not a psychologist.

i am not very happy. i try to pretend i am and sometimes i am. but not now. not most of the time. i would be less happy elsewhere. im respected here for some strange reason. people seem to tolerate me.. but it might just be them paying their "debt". i helped a lot of people. i tried to. in exam preps, homeworks, computer problems. i rarely asked for anything.

i am not sure of the purpuse of this text. i want it to have a meaning. i want not just my life to have a meaning but my years, my weeks. it might just be a scream into the void, gosh i hope it is. like 3 people follow me, and i havent answered to one of them in days.

thats it me, this is the message i dont want anyone to hear but want to not keep to myself. this is not my manifesto, not my legacy, not my suicide note. this is an uninteresting string of words from an uninteresting person, who made uninteresting life choices. if my thoughts would have a taste, it would taste like lukewarm water.

[roguestarsailor]

siggghhhhhhhhhh itd just that everytime i have a hang out w the group i think about that guyyyyy. i think about whether he would enjoy this topic we’re talking about or enjoy our activities like making pizzas or whatever. i think i had it in my head and being so hopeful about this guy. he could be the ~~ONEE~~ (or just like another friend to have around) and also because i like the *idea* of hanging out w him more and just being around him....but its incorrect thought because i remember *why* i don’t ask him to hang out (well he doesn’t accept my invites anyways) and how after everytime i hang out w him, i feel drained and sad and anxious but it’s also he’s not who i had in mind. he’s literally a whole other person; he has a dog with him all the time, he hangs out w yt people and *loves* to drink, loves that privileged yt adjacent lifestyle, jokes about sex, constantly dating and looking for the next one and quite frankly we don’t have the same sense of humor. our conversations arent rivieting and i feel very ugly and an outsider because i dont know shit about his ex (whom he clearly loves and quite frankly it hurts to watch; i’ve disected this thought a lot via my diary) (but also that bz friend he’s got makes me VERY uncomfortable)..and so this is the tragedy of a crush. i am still mad at myself for blowing him up in my brain and i hate this. its the crash; its these lingering feelings of *could’ve*s and i don’t like that. he still occupies my brain and its sad...i really really did wish he was someone i could love and its like sad because i dont hang out w boys and handsome men don’t come by often.

but i enjoyed my time with my friends today tho. it’s a lot but i think i have the hosting thing down! :) pizza night + studio ghibli night was a success!

[metoright]

Could you do an MC who is like Komi from Komi can't communicate

Komi-san in the devildom..

your doomed .. first of all YES and second why didnt i think of this like-?? omg I luv u 💝 thank you anon and enjoy😭

summary: you being god dam pretty/handsome/beautiful or whatever youd like 👁 and a verry unintelligible introvert

characters : brothers , im also doing the undatables^^

warnings: introverts?? 😅 some swears please click off if your not comfortable ok 👀? oh plus no spell check.. a bit of yandre mentions in mammons part 👁

prounouns : gender neutral ( if i make a mistake please tell me 😅)

Lucifer

his thoughts at first when he met you was that you were very pretty/handsome but.. if you had an ugly soul then all of that beauty would have gone to waste.. truly but when he looked at you he noticed how you acted much like a cat... a scared one for sure.

After diavolo introduced himself he also introduced his brothers and himself but he realized how you didn't speak.. it wasn't written in your file that you were mute...

had the shock made you mute???

was that possible for humans..

luckily satan stepped forward and realized he had read about something called "selective mute" to that you apparently nodded a bulb had been set off in his head he gave you a paper and pen he had on the student council meeting table and gave it to you you wrote quickly but elegantly all while looking beautiful while doing it truly his brothers were gaping but he payed them no mind

as you wrote on the paper " can I go back home after ? "

polite thats what your personality appeared to Lucifer.. at least your soul didn't look tainted or had too much pride as he knows pride can make even the prettiest people ugly..

after a while he realises you want to make friends by looking at the way your eyes slowly drift over people who talk with others and seem like they are having fun like a longing...

well that wouldnt be a problem if youd like to communicate but it seemed that you had a bit more scary appearance when you talked to people..

were all humans this peculiar?

the first time you slowly spoke infront of his brothers he swears he saw heart eyes coming out of their eyes..

were these people really his brothers??

but ..

he willl admit his heart did skip a beat aswell hearing your voice the first time 😌

truly after all the incidents that took place through the first few months you still remained quite and kind but...

asmo,solomon and satan had a mission ..

to get you to be able to make friends with atleast 10 people (ironic)

but..

lucifer had high expectations from them after all they were his brothers (not solomon he dosent expect shit from him-)

" this will be a interesting year.. wont it mc"

Mammon

are all humans like this..?

his first thoughts were why would somone like you want to be mute ??

let alone Someone that pretty/handsome??

it just couldn't be understood by him..

not that he understood alot but..

you made him flustered just by looking at him

"eh dont look at me like that im sorry I asked for 'ya wallet alright-"

the way you looked at him staring so intensely made him a bit scared of you like..

you were just too cool like a hero 🙇👑

little did he know you were just scared

oh my but over time you slowly comforted to him since he always protected you even though he acted like it was a chore to just talk to you..

he was lying.

talking to ya made his day night and century if anything

but a few weeks back before lucifer made a meeting on helping you make friends..

no way-!

he was the only friend who is worthy of mc's friendship he wont allow it-!

it ended up happening.

"dammit whyd ya need any more friends ya got the great mammon hes worth a hundred of 'em dumb lesser demons?"

jealous little puppy arent ya ^^

the first time you spoke infront of him and his brothers oh dear yknow that meme were the eyballs go out of the socket??

ya he llooked like that meme exactly.

cue dissapointed lucifer-

hes was so flusrterd 'cause ya know you looked so cute/hot/ whatever youd like but he was also jealous cause he should have been the only one to have heard that voice like why should his brothers deserve to hear it too!

"ehhh! why are ya speaking here infront of my brothers 'ya should only let the great mammon hear it!"

a/n: im sorry im gonna do the next part with all of the brothers haha-

also omfg barbatos song is so good💀

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Heyyy ok but what about dad!tom finding porn on his 15yo boy’s phone and having "the talk" with him 😭😭 I live for this😌

Trying writing again, seriously guys idk whats going on with me. And im terrible at doing “the talks” so take it as it is-

warnings: ya know..porn and praying children<3...and a hint of bisexual!tom👀

Its normal, Porn. The dirty sight for anyone to see. Tom did it once, only once though. He found it pretty creepy and stalkerish that hes watching people have sex. When he was 15 and thought about sex it caused insecurity because he noticed that you HAVE to get naked. It just shivered his veins. well of course until he met you. 

So when Tom and Wesley were cooking for your birthday, Tom forgot an Ingredient. “Hey- wes, can i borrow your phone?” tom struggled, his hands covered in flour as he looked at his sons phone. Wesley's eyes widened as his hands were also covered in flour, he turned, wiping his hands on the black apron before chuckling “y-yeah dad”. Tom laughed and also wiped his hands with a towel before grabbing his phone. Wes’s knees almost gave out as they shook and his body felt like it was going down a roller coaster, he jumped when his dad asked for his code. “Its my birthday” “oh- of course, it is” tom mumbled, leaning on the kitchen island as Wes got back to work, trying not to look weird as normally he would stand over his dads shoulder watching his fingers tap away in his phone, not that he did it before. 

Toms eyebrows furrowed as he bit his bottom lip, wondering if he should search through his phone while he already has it, only to shrug his head no saying thats not a good thing for a father to do. He clicked on the safari tab, Wes’s phone acting slow so he reached and grabbed his glass cup thats filled with water, only to choke and have his eyes widened. “Oh shit” wes mumbled to himself. Tom didnt even look further, he slammed the phone down but both of their ears turned red when a loud pornographic moan left the womans mouth “yeah fuck my cock”. “OH MY GOD” tom yelled in his british accent, grabbing the phone and screaming when he was met with liquids shooting at the camera, he shut off the phone and placed it back on the table, Wesley's hand slapped over his mouth as he cringed intensely by the word “cock” but then soon becoming more embarrassed that his dad knows he watches….well, that. “Im gonna use the bathroom” wesley said, not looking at his dad as his cheeks shot red. “Erm….im gonna set a 15 minute timer” “DAD” wes said storming off to the bathroom. “Im gonna die” wesley muttered to himself, cursing at the lord for letting this happen as he also begged for forgiveness and asking for this not to be a big problem, just on his knees infront of the toilet, apron still dirty as he shut his eyes tight. 

“God i swear if my dad leaves me alone i’ll pray EVERY night, i’ll sing- look i’ll sing this church song”

By the way, he only heard it from some where.

“Take me to the kinggg, i dont have much to bring” he didnt know anything past that so it didnt do anything in his favour, it only made tom furrow his eyebrows from the other side of the door before knocking making wes silently flinch at the holy ghost “just please- dont do this” he whispered. “I-i can hear you son” tom awkwardly smiled, “mind coming out now?” “ive only been in here for like 5 minutes” “can we just talk about it?” “i dont know if id be comfortable with that-” “or else it will be with me and your mom” “oh my god” wes stood up and did a “woo-sah” looking at himself in the mirror before turning around and hesitantly opening the door. Tom smiled and did an awkward wave “to the couch please”

“Dad i really dont wanna talk about this” wes said on the couch, touching knees with his father that was sitting right next to him. “No we have to- so be quiet and let me speak.” tom sent a look at wes making him grumble and hunch in his seat, but all ears. “Please dont watch porn, its terrible. Its addictive and its not how things work, trust me. When we made you it was pretty ugly in there-”

“DAD PLEASE” he groaned in his arms. “What! Im just letting you know! Im letting you know that when you- or you probably have but-” tom shrugged looking at him son. “Just make sure you use protection, uhm if you want me to buy you some i can- dont give me that look” “your literally talking to me about what goes around penises, what am i supposed to do, say i love you?” he groaned again. “Well its your fault! But anyway you need to make sure you get consent from her, make sure she- or HE is into it-” “oh my god” “what? I dont know your options?” “what are yours?” wes asked.

Tom smiled at his son, making wes’s mouth drop (i dont think its a secret that toms at least a LITTLE fruity) “anyways. Girls have three holes, ones for the pee and the others for the- pp. And the other one is for the other one. I dont think your ready for anal yet” tom gripped his sons knee. “Youve done-” “you ARENT ready for that talk” tom but him off. “But you need to make sure that the woman is lubricated enough because if she isnt it will be TOO tight and un-pleasurable for the both of you. If shes” he raised his fingers doing the quote on quote “loose, that means shes lubricated, dont listen to these assholes shaming girls for something they cannot control” he rolled his eyes, wes thinking about anything to drift off into space but very stuck. “Dont be nervous asking for help trying to find the hole, although it should be located right on top of her- ya know” tom too immature to say the word, something he cant say although he said only a few words ago. “But yes, make sure you wrap it! Im serious, i dont need more children” tom ordered. “Im the single child” “your also annoying” wes sarcastically smiled at his dad by his words. “Her clitoris is that- bean, yeah lets call it a bean” “you call a clitoris a bean?” “oh no, i give it a name more...boujee, but thats between me and your mom” “PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME THAT YOU AND MOM HAVE SEX” wes shouted while stuffing his head into a pillow. “What its normal! You were watching it!” wes grunted “my life is over” “oh it hasnt even began” “DAD” “im just sayin!-”

The boys heard the keys jiggle from the door before hearing a loud “hii!” “we are in the living room babe!” tom said, wes panicking more as he heard th door shut and lock before seeing his mom coming over. “What are you guys talking about?” tom looked at wes and wes silently pleaded for him not to say anything, but being the div he is “sex talk!” he threw his hands up. “Ohh! How fun, have you told him about the movements yet?” “PLEASE NO-”

[un-pearable]

season 7: the thoughts continue

i feel like the quantity and quality of brief stupid & irrelevant team exchanges went up and i am SO here for it. jay has redeemed his poor choices from last season purely by virtue of being part of 50 to 75% of these, for the record. this has been so extremely enjoyable i dont even know where to begin.

the concept of the "hands of time" being twins with symmetrical time powers is honestly. so cool and even if the execution was mid i am still so Extremely glad this exists. because its very cool. i do wish they had better designs though usually the ninjago designs are. well most of the time theyre not spectacular but they're generally fine. these guys are ugly tho.

the snake dudes / one dudette whose names escape me at the moment annoyed me. i dont like them. also why is it that 1) they gave the snake girl titties. real question. i dont think she needs tits made of snakes. stop it and 2) there was only 1 (one) girl. where are my useless female grunts !!!!!

so many time puns. too many time puns. infinite time puns. you can watch my sanity wear away in real time. NO WAIT I SAID TIME DAMMI

^ responding to a message unrelated to ninjago

honestly. okay im gonna be blunt i am very disappointed in this season mainly because i was hoping to get like. sibling foils and stuff COME ON WE'VE GOT THREE DIFFERENT SIBLING PAIRS HERE . WE'VE GOT TIME BROTHERS WHOSE NAMES ALSO ESCAPE ME. WE'VE GOT KAI AND NAYA. WE'VE GOT WU AND GARMADON. AND THESE TERRIBLE WRITERS COULDNT EVEN GIVE ME ONE PAIR OF FOILS. COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

anyways yeah no i am very very disappointed. three pairs. Three of them. and not a single foil in sight. like man why'd you even bother. its like they wanted to do something with them all being siblings but couldnt think of anything past them all being siblings. yknow. its like "ohh wow kai and naya are fighting those time guys !! oh huh what? you mean we should have some thematic or narrative reason for this? ah screw that they're both sibling pairs thats good enough" NO ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. ITS NOT

regarding kai and naya it also annoys me because we didnt really get much of them bonding as siblings because 80% of it was about their parents, who i am ALSO supremely disappointed in, even if im not particularly surprised. like . ok . ok ok. head in hands. they just Left kai and naya because time brother #1 (whose name again escapes me), who, notably does not have any more elemental powers, said "haha im gonna kill them" despite the fact that BOTH of them were there and definitely could've taken him out, and instead decided to go help him build weapons for him to take over ninjago with. for real. really. Really . like MAN at least if they were evil that woudlve been INTERESTING. come ONNNNNNNN. come on. come onnnnnn screw that. and then all kai and naya got this season was "oh wow epic our parents are still here. ok well since the writers arent going to do anything interesting with that we're all gonna be buddy buddy now. tee hee"

really annoyed with wu this season btw. take this discord screenshot that encapsulates my thoughts pretty well

like okay i dont hold him not telling anybody anything at the beginning of the season against him too much because like thats the beginning of the next tacked on season that the authors had not originally had plans for and whats a ninjago season if it doesnt start with wu saying "there's something i havent told you yet" + usually they're stories that he could've reasonably thought wouldn't have become relevant again, but this is just unacceptable. bro get a grip if their master dies out of nowhere when they weren't expecting it then methinks it will distract them. just a little bit.

also this

the ninjago timeline is honestly a joke. its like . MAN it doesnt even begin to make sense its like wu and garmadon's dad is a sort of demigod who created the whole world but also they're only 80 years old and apparently ancient ninjago was 40 years ago and lloyd fits into this picture. somehow. (????????????????????????????) because to say it is terribly unclear when garmadon went full deranged is. well. an understatement of the century. and . yknow what why am i even bothering, honestly. whatever. who cares (me i do)

i didnt like. dislike the season but this one really suffered from a lack of a coherent vision. most of the season kind of felt like they did nothing and WAIT I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO TALK ABOUT THE DAY OF THE DEAD SPECIAL. IM SO MAD I THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT COLE BEING A GHOST NOW. AND THEN THEY DIDNT. NOT AT ALL. NOT EVEN LIKE A PROPER IDENTITY CRISIS OR ANYTHIGN. THEY FIXED IT IN A SPECIAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A SPECIAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HECK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay that aside. im glad pixal has something to do now instead of just being inside zane's brain. good for her good for her.

im also SO glad they didnt just undo the whole arc with the reversing time blade. thank the lord above i was half expecting them to despite the fact that they literally just did that Last Season. also also i LOVE jay's mom she showed up for .4 minutes, was terribly annoying, and i love it. i love her. i want more annoying women in media please and thank you you can really tell she's jay's mom. i want them to meet so bad.

btw lloyd deserves such a break. he needs it. he should go on vacation or something let everybody else figure it out. they'll probably die without him but idk he needs it. actually speaking of, this was my takeaway from this season

also question about the reversing time blade. theoretically if you punch a recently deceased corpse with it could you bring them back to life?

and, on a final note, take this

THE THOUGHTS ARE VERY MUCH WELCOME

the goofiness the ninja deserve. if the show isn't at least 45% silly character interactions by runtime it isn't even ninjago anymore.

they are!!! they are such a great concept. execution mixed and yeah the designs are. lacking. but once again they knock it out of the park with the show's concepts. notwithstanding the snitties.

i see my pun riddled future. i live in excited fear of it. you are also the funniest person on the planet adksfjds

mhm. mhhhm. what i wouldn't give for this show to figure out what they're doing with the character foiling bc half the time its got a good start but fumbles bc time/medium constraints but 99% of the show's good potential foiling?? is completely squandered??? their reliance on the secret parent reveals over time only gets more frustrating as it continues but for a show that's so oriented on familial bonds BOY do they constantly ignore any and all actual meaning they could explore about them. comparing nya and kai w/ everyone else could be fascinating but that means confronting character traits and we've been. heh. watering down kai ever since he stopped being the main character so that's not allowed.

there is sooooo much to be said about their parents and while there is solace in it does get addressed a little. it is very much in ninjago's special way where they pretend nothing happened for multiple seasons. so that's fun. also now i want kai and nya to have to bond with lloyd over evil parents that'd be funny as hell.

glad you got your cardboard cutout parental figures guys. go ignore your potentially complex emotions about this experience over with jay in the lobby. it'll be your turn to be important again in 2-5 seasons and by then half the world will be retconned again <3

ahh yes. wu. tbh while i get its incredibly frustrating and purely a plot device i do think he's funny as hell for never telling them shit. 100% this guy never actually figured out what being a mentor was beyond how his god-dad treated him and his god-dad was omniscient and ominous about it so. yeah i get it. but any situation where misako can give you valid criticism is a bad one.

the infamous ninjago timeline... in one of the comics it fucks it up so bad that cole is born after lloyd. this place is a dumpster fire of time discrepancies this is what happens when you make time a manipulatable element. what the hell FSM. they have fuckin FOSSILS and also ancient history that the grandpa down the street lived through. either these legos have fuckin long ass lifespans or im just gonna keep blaming it on the fact that TIME IS AN ELEMENT. gravity is a fucking element. speed is a fucjin element. what's next is inertia an element. can their newest villain stop their spinjitzu in its tracks by sending them flying off in a single direction forever. mr self styled god what the fuck were you doing

everything about cole is a tragedy. and also confusing. obligatory return to the status quo i hate you.

I haven't even watched the entire season yet but oooooh jay's mom lives in my brain. she got her grubby little electricity master fingers on my synapses and i can't stop imagining melodramatic fic about her and her confusing as hell life. smthn smthn the lightning rod versus the storm that strikes it. miss child abandonment two, electric boogaloo, i would give you my house for an inch of your life story

the only takes on the ninja's braincell capacity I respect. people putting nya at the top of the list are missing out on her chaotic girl swag and the fact that she has recommended some of the stupidest shit imaginable. queen shit girl but cmon

yes. yes i believe it should and someone should go grab morros abandoned body to test it. this is a universally bad idea

lastly, tragically, i take back my earlier statement, zero offense meant but you have been dethroned as the funniest person on the planet

[kittemfang]

OMG pls tell us more about molly and mckenna. from what i can tell they died to naked nest andqueen bee and one turned into abnormality?

hi geno thank you for enabling me. LETS START!! WIHT THE HUGE LORE!

THIS WILL BE LONG!!!!!! AND IMAGES!

mckenna and their younger half sister river have a mostly pleasant life. they live with their mom and stepdad. the only unpleasant come from mckennas father, who they hate very very much.

please ignore the lor outfits and stuff i do not have any good drawings of them together, they are old and ugly.

mckennas father is kind of a guy who is involved in a lot of stuff like syndicates. oh yeah and then one day during the years of later teenagerhood decides to fucking kill his kids parents. so thats fucking awesome. and it did it in front of them too!

so river and mckenna are on their own far earlier than any of them would have thought. river is really just completely in shock but she is the type who like. when there is an emergency to still try and get things wrangled out of desire for them not to be worse

but mckenna just...breaks down. and becomes a checklist of those elementary school mental health things about warning signs towards suicide. overall, everything is rpetty bad right now. very bad...

so river is like. can we do something, as a family though, at least...? even if its the last time (though doesnt say that part). so, they look out during the Night to see the sweepers. it isnt a very pretty thing by any means but they have done it before when they were younger, so it was kind of a nostalgia thing. watching people get sweeped is a childhood memory, backstreets are gonna backstreet...

but wait, who is that!?!? there is something outside during the Night, who is killing a whole bunch of sweepers>??? effortlessly. this is really enthralling to mckenna...watches with huge interest. who was that in indigo? who?

well now mckenna wants to know all about this mysterious person, and does countless research. they learn this is molly, who is a color fixer named the indigo void. she has a small fixer office, that is run with her friend noah. mckenna wants to be just like that. isnt able to actually get in contact with those two, but thats fine....

river and mckenna are now fixers! actually they arent. they are not, but they lie about it to their clients. in reality, they are more of a syndicate, of course. mckenna's "office" only takes highly specific requests, requests that always end in bloody murder, requests that always have some grain of connection to their father, regardless of if the offending person knows.

but then news comes that apparently, the indigo void and noah have moved elsewhere, to some wing. so mckenna and river apply to L corp. i should mention that river was...on board with the whole fixer thing at first, but was becoming disillusioned very quickly. now it seemed like instead of having nothing, revenge was the only thing mckenna had.

so what about L corp?

they find noah. noah does not like them. noah does not like mckennas behavior about her and molly. also, she and molly are 'its complicated' exes now, so she doesnt want to hear someone go on and on and on about her anyway. mckenna takes noahs dismissal of them to mean molly has died.

molly is not dead! maybe a little bit, it comes with the whole ego corruption thing. but thats a story for another day! this aint about you!

so mckenna is pissed off and then river dies which makes everything worse. it is a horrible thing to kill off the very bee that was inside your sister!

but how does mckenna die? picking fights with everything, of course. now there is truly nothing, you cannot escape from this place or even have the one person by your side, or anyone you looked up to...

when judgement bird hits you with the 2.0 pale damage its kind of sucks!

BUT WAIT THERES FUCKING MOOOORE BECAUSE IN LIBRARY OF RUINA EMPLOYEES WHO DIED CAME BACK! because this is the excuse i use to stop focusing on my "current times" L Corp ocs. so we focus on people from the past.

river and mckenna are back together again, but its still not all happiness after all, that seems impossible. also, sometimes it looks like mckenna is growing some feathers the more time goes on

after the ending of LOR, with all of the district in exile, youll never guess which person just so happened to be still in the district!! thats right, their bitch ass dad!!!!!

finally, finally, finally, finally, mckenna gets to kill him!

but it doesnt make them happy, or cure them, or make them start to enjoy life again, and it doesnt change their feelings or their life or what they have done this far....

so mckenna distorts. into the owl of void...

the whole thing about mckenna is they were trying to imitate molly. their outfit they wore as a "fixer" was meant to be similar, and even now their feathers are indigo, and they take on a part of that former title.

this sequence of drawing i did it meant to be like, the shadow molly cast on mckennas life, from when they first saw her, to them wanting (and failing) to meet them in L corp (with the bee and judgement birds noose of course), to finally changing into that imitation, casting their own shadow, but on their very life...

but maybe one day river can commission moses to undistort mckenna.

AAAAAAAAAAND DONE!

[ankhisms]

tw for disordered eating mentions ill be ok i just have to get this all out

going to try to not just endlessly insanely ramble about how much everything sucks but like so many little things have been piling up and weighing me down until everything jyst feels like too much and too overwhelming yknow. the one i keep dwelling on is the feeling that im not a good actor or artist and that im not doing a good enough job with my role in this musical and like my dream of being a professional tv/film actor is somehow silly or pathetic because im not a good enough actor.

and usually i would work thru those thoughts by telling myself that i was doubting myself but tonight as i was about to leave i overheard some of my castmates saying specific lines of mine like imitating how i say them and then i THOUGHT that one of them said that i "could be doing more with it" and that its "not getting enough of a reaction" but like the thing is i COULD very well have misheard what they said and i dont want to be getting mad at someone for something they didnt say and i also experience audio hallucinations at times especially when im already upset so im always kind of unsure when i overhear something but like none the less it still is like. very upsetting yknow and reminds me of everything that happened with me dropping out of being a theater major and feeling like a failure and not good enough as an actor and a person and like i know i shouldnt be dwelling on the past and should be focusing on the present and trying to move forward but also at the same time all this stuff was genuinely traumatic for me so im trying to not like beat myself up for being upset when im reminded of it and triggered by it.

but then the second thing that upset me today was actually in the beginning of the whole show when everyone is getting ready putting on stage makeup and our costumes and someone brought everyone pizza which was really sweet and nice! but one of the people who triggered me suddenly just started talking really loudly about how theyre about to break their diet for this and saying "im 110 pounds i need to lose weight" and it was so deeply uncomfortable like this person is VERY thin and i was just standing in front of the mirror trying to push away disordered eating related thoughts and trying to not spiral into them and feeling so ugly like this person is a lot thinner than me.

and then during intermission i got my meds out to take them since yknow it was the time of the day that i take them. and the other of the two people who triggered me before saw me and i hadnt even been talking to him but he just was like ummm whatre those?? and i was genuinely kind of confused as to why he was asking me so i just was like its my medication? and he was like yeah well for what. and i was annoyed and tired and didnt want to deal with this so i just went for my fucked up brain. and thankfully he took it as a joke and wasnt mad bc i didnt want to fight but god it was so invasive and uncomfortable like its none of your fucking business what theyre for me saying that its my medication should be more than enough information why would u keep pushing about that.

and just being a person has been so hard lately ive been like very aware of how hard it is for me to function and be quote unquote normal and i keep thinking about quitting that last job bc of being unable to do it both physically and mentally and just being like well what the fuck am i supposed to do how am i supposed to survive. lately ive been trying really hard to be okay and during the show ive been trying to be upbeat for everyone else to comfort the people who have nerves and to reassure everyone that theyre doing a good job but honestly things arent okay for me and i dont know what to do really about it.

a lot of times i feel like my life is some kind of joke or some bad tragicomedy story and that the author is getting a kick out of having bad things happen to me or that some deity is punishing me for something its just all. so much. idk how im going to get to a better environment let alone how i could possibly achieve any kind of creative dreams when im just feeling like giving up on everything and like all the art i make and all the acting i do is jusy pathetic and bad. itll be okay i wont give up but i just have to allow myself to not be okay rn yknow. thank you if you read all this ily i hope ur doing well

[elfdyke]

I always liked Monika as a character and felt that the way Natsuki reacts to the Club President ?Curse? was a heavy implication that it is a corrupting influence, but I am curious how you feel about her cracking jokes about the deaths of Sayori and Yuri. Just more of the corruption?

oh wdym about how nat reacts to the prez? im curious!

also imho, she's an 18 yr old girl whos realized everything she's ever known isnt Real. her world, her friends. everything. but shes still just a girl. and so she's seeing these horrific things happening around her and imho, her acting in this detached way is due to her brain doing everything it can to protect her.

essentially she's like. well its not Real right? sayoris just Code right? a video game character right? so her making these jokes, playing it off like its no big deal, further reinforces her belief that nothing that's happening around her is 'real' and therefore shouldn't effect her.

during her act 3 monologues, she often brings up the other girls, and how she wishes things could have gone differently, that they didn't have to die. but then immediately, every time, she will shoot her own thought process down, reiterating that 'nothing matters bc its not real anyways so...'

LIKE. here this one is a really good example. its in her monologue about sayoris death. she discusses sayoris death in a very detached way, musing about it, and then says this

this isn't someone whos happy. she's genuinely just trying to talk herself into complacency because if she can’t do that she WILL lose her mind.

TLDR: trauma and coping in a traumatic environment manifest coping mechanisms that can be ugly. this can include things like lashing out (like natsuki) , or just completely detaching oneself from the situation ((obviously there are far more, i simply bring these up as theyre relevant to the characters)). it can’t hurt you if you arent mentally present. disassociation from one’s traumatic environment is a very common coping mechanism and i honestly truly believe monika’s crass jokes, while uncomfortable, genuinely are just her trying to make her life any amount of being more survivable : (

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se03. ep 6.(Part 1)

The main female protagonist who, has been the “mother /psychiatrist/ fixer/curse-breaker” for 57 eps & 2 seasons, has finally had her own “I’m a real person with my own issues” ep !!!! YESS! So happy!!! also, so underwhelmed. Tohru has been painted to be this utterly selfless & altruistic character for long, that when she’s finally a balanced character it’s presented in half an episode? Don’t get me wrong, I like the ep, but there’s also the same feeling of bullet train that I felt in momiji’s ep! ugh!! I hated that feeling! Go away~ oh well.. I’ll quickly state what I didn’t like, before jumping into what I liked, in order to end with a happier note~

What I didn’t like:

Tohru’s monologue after leaving shigure & Isuzu felt more like a background exposition more than a true character’s thoughts. The reason is that It is quickly narrated with quick flashbacks from the past with intentional pieces missing from the flashback. Pieces like” how did Kyoko hurt tohru? She said to kyo, in se02, ep “ I feel like I’ve only caused her sadness” &  tohru’s flashbacks in se02 of her mother leaving/ closing a door. All these things not included in tohru’s 1st ever personal monologue made it seem like quick fill in for the audience more than tohru’s main struggle. Compare it to Yuki’s 3 ep monologue in se02, filled with all his own background info, hence, we as audience sit back & just feel. With tohru a little brain work is needed of putting things together in the puzzle is needed because NOTHING abt her trauma has ever been explained to us prior to her monologue . Also, compare this kyo. A character who ONLY have 2 eps dedicated to him in 57 eps, yet even without monologues & with hidden secrets for climax purposes, his emotions are clear cuz his background was explained early in se01, ep24 & se02, ep9. Compared to them both, her monologue felt a bit lacking.

What’s up with the following scene? Her crying & kyo comforting her mid-street. He saw her crying, asked what’s wrong & she couldn’t say & he gave her a comforting advice. All good. Kyo always give the most needed advice for tohru to be herself & feel comforted. Se01, “complain more, be selfish” Se02, somen table scene & asking her abt her future plans & the hiro incident. Kyo has tried to guess whats wrong first. Here he saw her cry in the middle of the street & just gave her an advice? couldn’t he at least guess wrongly if it is her granpa? school? anything? This scene is AMAZING but it feels off a little.

Kyo’s “ now I remember” EXCUSE ME?????? se01, ep14, valentine ep, he got a nightmare, then when shigure talked to him, we saw a quick flashback that we didn’t now what it is but now it IS kyoko. se02, the entirety of ep9 & the “ I won’t forgive you” & the flashback of young him with kyoko talking abt tohru. se02, ep 22 his fight with yuki & the clear face of kyoko telling him abt something regarding the hat. His entire shutdown of tohru IS abt kyoko NOT abt him being a monster cuz tohru accepted monster kyo in se01 ep 24! so.. REMEMBER WHAT????? the accident?? I feel like being hit with a rock. I mean, it makes sense that kyo will get PTSD after seeing the hat, cuz he remembers the bloody accident vividly. But it is the dialogue that IS weird. “ I remember” ?? it makes no sense? unless it is another hidden secret & will be revealed later. If so, then forget this point.

Kagura (more on her below). Now, let’s talk abt what I liked!

-Grief (the most difficult theme to express in literature): Excellent writing!

Grief is one of the most diverse human emotions. ppl who grief a loved one either erase everything abt them in order to cope with the pain of loss & live on, or drastically engrave everything, not want any memory to slip away, or hold the deceased on a pedestal, or hate them irrationally in order to forget abt them, some deny that the loved one is gone, others talk to them daily, some act & live normally for years & suddenly it hits them that this loved person is truly gone & they breakdown. Others, direct their disbelief of losing a precious one into the envy that other bad ppl are still living, why my precious one is dead?. Thats why, it is a difficulty emotion to understand by others. Ppl watching you will always think that comforting you is enough & that the longer you take, the more impatient they are with you. Tell me, watching tohru this ep, didn’t you feel that:

Come on. tohru, you can love your mom & kyo! who says only ONE person can be your precious?

Umm, why she cries for her mom NOW? 2 years after her death? Is she over it already?

Tohru~~ your mom aint going no where cuz you loved a guy? she’s in your heart, girl. Ugh!

Compared to yuki who was abused by his parents & kyo whose mom commit suicide in front of him, tohru’s trauma is meh~

Feeling this way abt tohru is exactly how many feel abt ppl struggling with grief. You are NOT a bad person if you felt this way. It means that thankfully you weren’t struck by grief to tohru’s extent or that your grief went about differently than tohru. Grief is a crippling feeling. It is valid, strong, overwhelming, paralyzing & above all very unique to the person themselves. Tohru feeling that her mom is slipping away from her memory is so realistic & utterly heartbreaking. Grief hurts & moving on from grief hurts more!!!! The more you go on & live your life, the more you feel like you betray your loved one.

Tohru’s entire existence is for her mother & so her mother LIVES inside her:

Finishing high school cuz it’s her mother’s request.

Getting a job to sustain herself cuz she has no one to support her financially.

Giving her mom’s wisdom & teachings abt life to others.

imitating her dad’s speaking style to prevent her mom from “leaving”.

Being the perfect girl in order to portray that her mom, who is a gangster & is hinted by the ugly relatives to be unfaithful to her husband due to tohru not taking after her dad, actually raised a respectful girl!

Talking to a dead cold lifeless picture as if it is a living human being & going into panic attacks when she looses such pictures.

Suppressing all her true “ ugly, negative” emotions & only giving the fake smiles & positive attitude.

She fears that ppl will leave her if she isn’t “comforting, happy”, hence, the whole facade of “ i’m okay, I’m okay”.

Immersing her self in ppl’s issues so she won’t face her own feelings of utter loneliness, fear of the future, & being left behind when everybody moves on with their lives.

Thinking that having selfish desires contradicts the “ hopeful, kind” girl images, hence, the fear to actually wants sth for herself. Everything HAS TO BE for the sake of the others.

Tohru is deeply traumatized & her complex, unhealthy but extremely realistic attachment to her mom must be broken. Tohru must learn to LET GO.

-Kagura’s character’s assassination. aka (violence heals y’all!)

The show wanted to express the emotion that kagura is still in love with kyo, but is learning to let go & accepting kyo/tohru love. I love that. Her speech with kazuma abt not being able to face tohru cuz her face will show her emotions is so relatable & it hit ME personally. Loved that. Then, she learns that tohru truly loves kyo & should confess to him not talk to Isuzu & I get that, it make sense that she lashes on thru & teach her the value of being open abt your feelings & dont loose him. all cool & understandable. BUT:

How dare you slap tohru like that? you don’t know what she’s going through? tohru is wearing funeral clothes for God’s sake! she just visited her dead mom, you insensitive woman! How dare you assume that all tohru is struggling with is love love, romance romance yay~ confess, kiss, be happy?

Tohru & kyo’s issues are deeper than typical, normal, shallow shojo love. It is related to child trauma & abuse. To their own individual identity & self-image! Their romantic love is meant to guide them towards better choices for the future, not magically heal everything. Their mutual love is NOT the answer to their issues.

How dare you slap someone to make them go back to their senses? this is such an anime move! ugh!~ it cheapens the emotional weight of character’s emotions.

“ I’m not apologizing to tohru. We communicate thro fists” excuse me?  you arent even communicating with kyo thro fists! he sees you & run! the only time he thanked you for, was when you didn’t “ communicate thro fists” & played with him as a child! Not only make her hit tohru but not apologize??

No one told her off? are you foreal?? Isuzu pouting lips is no match for Isuzu powerful emotions when she’s embarrassed, & kazuma! where you at? Happy at the “ open confrontation”? Why do you kill kagura’s character like that?

Side Notes:

I hate how this went by in half an ep like they did with machi!! tohru is THE main character for God’s sake! But it looks like the show is not so fond of the true tohru who wants stuff & screams & talks to herself, alas she isn’t the angelic, innocent girl that is saturating the heck out of all shojo amines. Oh well~ perhaps tohru’s issues will be visited again in the finale?

Kyo gets PTSD reaction in front of tohru. great. Now what’s next? I won’t ever forgive the anime if next ep, kyo & tohru are all normal or worse the episodic theme prevents the continuation & jumps elsewhere. Nearly all the eps that didn’t end with a happy note, started the next ep somewhere & totally forgot the cliff hanger. such as, Isuzu’s ep in se02, it ended with tohru’s nightmare & next ep started yuki’s issues with tohru all smiley & bright. Another example, the Cinderella play ended with kyo/tohru torn symbolism where each is awkward with the other, next ep machi !!!!!! & kyo/ tohru all normal in kazuma’s house. But this time, it will be an epic mistake to do the same. Kyo going full traumatic in front of tohru to the point of her screaming is not sth you skip & start over erasing. Don’t disappoint me show! you can’t screw that, can you?

I love the symbolism of kyoko disappearing from the picture & the crack of her framed pic at the end with it still continued in he ED. Good job.

They are building for a hug clashing scene between kyo & tohtu. it must hurt. It is designed to hurt. I wanted it to hurt. It is not abt romance. It is abt mental & emotional trauma. I’m excited. But I’m scared. After today’s ep, I can confidently say I don’t trust the director. I’m an anime-only, but tohru’s part in the story is the least touched upon, the quickest to get over with & has the wackiest animation. They just don’t know how to depict an emotional tohru~ sigh~

Tohru is written to be a unique protagonist in the sea of innocent, selfless & always happy shojo heroine & opposed to the badass, physically strong female protag in shonen. She is the most realistic, but so much of her potential is wasted so far~~

“ saving the sohma’s. breaking the curse for others is a lie, in reality I wanted to do it for kyo” This line is supposed to be liberating for tohru cuz for once she is putting herself FIRST! It is not abt kyo. It is abt herself! it is cuz SHE wants him. See the difference? See how this line gives tohru the biggest character development!! but still sth is missing. I duno..

I have lots to say abt tohru, kyo, shigure, the grandpa, kyoko, Isuzu & even kazuma! I’ll do that in part 2.

I still liked the ep tho. It is solid. I”ll like it MORE if they continued from here & didn’t cut it cold.

[starlight-writes-stuff]

hey! i sent in the ask for the party fic with ethan (which was so good holy shit) and i was hoping you could do the SFW alphabet for him? can I be ⚙️ anon, as well? (get it?)

⚙️anon (thats so clever ily for it) , welcome !! im sorry this took me forever , but here’s your sfw alphabet - this came so easy to me i spend too much time consuming ethan content - anyway ! i really hope you enjoy this ((: reblogs are always appreciated <3

AYO LOOK AT THESE : soft , fluffy ethan content , no tws ! also , yall rockin with the new blog theme ⁉️

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

ethan is incredibly affectionate in all senses of the word- big gestures, small moments, and everything in between. he brings you flowers or food quite often, just something small to show you that you were on his mind while he was out and about. you two would have a designated date night once a week where he’d clear his schedule to spend quality time with you; either taking you out to dinner or cooking and watching movies at home with spencer. also, ethan would definitely go out of his way to do little things around the house to help you out - washing the dishes, vacuuming, folding the laundry. however, ethan wouldn’t shy away from larger gestures of affection, either: he’d take you on surprise vacations or road trips for holidays or anniversaries. 

b = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend? how would the friendship start?)

being ethan’s best friend would be so much fun. he’s definitely the kind of guy that would send you a text when he was 10 minutes away from your house because he was bored and wanted to go do something together. you’d never be bored around ethan- he can talk for hours, and would 100% know how to make you laugh, even if the two of you were just chilling on the couch. a friendship with ethan would be filled with adventures; concerts, midnight snack runs, campouts in the backyard and lots of fun with spencer. 

c = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

yes, 100%. thinking back to unus annus, ethan was a vvv touchy guy with mark, and i think that would only be amplified with his significant other- touch is one of his love languages, for sure. he’d be the type to always have some soft of physical connection; a hand on your thigh while he drives, mindlessly drawing patterns over your skin while your working, aways holding your hand in public type beat. if ethan wasn’t getting your attention when he wanted it he, would not hesitate to pick you up over his shoulder and carry you to the closest soft surface before plopping you down and wrapping you in his arms. i think he’s probably a fan of having you laying on your side, facing him so that he can hold you, but still see your face/ talk to you. he’d also love laying on your chest because he’s such a boob guy but that’s a conversation for another time ,,,,,

d = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they at cooking and cleaning?)

i think that if you and ethan were committed and had been dating for a while than he would absolutely want to settle down- but i feel like dating ethan would also include being around each other all the time (constant sleepovers while you aren't living together) so it wouldn’t be that drastic of a change. while he was living on his own, though, ethan obviously had to take care of himself, so he taught himself to cook and clean and do general, domestic tasks. i think he’d be a really good partner when it came to things around the house like that; ethan would always do his fair share and would pick up anything that you needed him to. 

e = ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

ethan just comes off as a very feeling, sensitive person (his brand is literally soft boy what do u expect), so i think breakups would be really hard for him. he wouldnt break up with his s/o until he was 10000000% positive that it as the right choice, and had thought through it multiple times. even then, it would rip his heart out to end things- he wouldn’t be afraid to show his emotions. ethan would definitely break up with whoever he was dating in person- he knows that he owes them that.

f = fiance(e) (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

okay, this one is up in the air for me. i definitely feel like ethan would settle down with his person and be completely loyal to them- thats a no brainer. i just don’t know how he feels about marriage? i feel like ethan wants a life partner, i just dont know if he would marry them. (this could 1792049384% be my personal bias peeking through because i think marriage is fkn weird, but for some reason i think he would too ????? maybe thats just me)

g = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

ethan is just ,,,,, soft hearted, dude. he’s just gentle in general. i think emotionally he’s a total teddybear, and he feels all his emotions incredibly deep- he rules with his heart, for sure. he wants to make sure that everyone around him is happy, and if they arent, it would affect him more than he’d like to admit. physically, ethan can vary- like i said, he’s always touching you in some way, but i think he’d be down for getting a little rougher in bed when you guys want to. 

h = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

ethan is an envelope-the-whole-ass-person kinda hugger, hug-with-your-whole-body type deal. if you look at pictures from unus annus, even old old pictures from the tour he did w/ mark, ethan is always completely wrapped around someone, hugging them with everything in him. i think if his s/o was shorter, he’d love to stack his head on top of theirs, and if y’all were around the same height, he’d bury his face in your neck. he’s very huggy- when you’re out and about, he’s always hugging you from behind, pulling your body closer to his. i also think ethan would love koala hugs, where he was sitting and his s/o wraps their arms and legs around him- he’d sit like that forever, rubbing up and down your back.

i = i love you (how fast do they say the l-word?)

hhhhhhhhhh don't clock me for this one, yall- if ethan was feeling some type of way, he would tell you. i don't think the length of the relationship would matter as much to him as the intensity and depth of his feelings; if ethan really truly loved you and wanted to say it, he would. he’d definitely preface it with the fact that you didn’t have to say it back, that he just wanted to get it on the table and out of his head. 

j = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

ethan would be very secure in his relationships, and i think it would take a lot to get him jealous. however, when he was,,,,,,,, it wouldnt be pretty. like, at all. if it was a situation where someone was hitting on his s/o, he wouldn’t step in until you’d already tried to get them to leave you alone- not because he didn’t want to, but because he knew that if he did, it would get ugly. when he did step in, he’d start by saying something (not kindly worded, but to the point), and if that didn’t work i don’t think ethan would be above getting physical- he’s extremely protective of you. 

k = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

I THINK ABOUT THIS A LOT AND I HAVE SO MANY THINGS I'D LIKE TO SAY SO THIS ONE’S GOIN IN BULLET POINTS , GANG

okay- ethan loves to kiss you. he just loves kisses- they feel so personal and intimate to him, and he kisses you all the time, everywhere

he’ll dip you and kiss you in the middle of the grocery store aisles, he dgaf

but i think his favorite spots for kissing you would be your forehead, your lips (duh), collarbones/shoulders, down your spine and on your inner thighs hngggggg

but it goes vice versa too

ethan wants ALL your kisses . all of them , everywhere

He’s such a sucker for you kissing his neck and you cant talk me out of that (:

l = little ones (how are they around children?)

cute. literally so cute. i think that ethan would love other people’s kids, but definitely doesn’t want any of his own- at least, not right now. however, with other people’s babies he is S O F T; he loves to hold them, and would absolutely offer to try and calm a crying baby down, rocking them and singing soft lullabies to calm their woes. i also think that he would LOVE toddler aged kiddos- like 3-6. he’d be cool uncle ethan, playing catch with them, taking them to the park, finding games to play and always letting them win. he’d totally try to teach them how to ride their bike, or how to do a cartwheel, or how to jump off the swings for maximum height. ethan would totally bring them a fun lunch at school or sneak the kid’s favorite candy over to them and eat it together in a secret spot.

m = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

mornings with ethan would be slow and lazy and filled with golden light filtering in through the blinds. if he woke up first, ethan would be as soft as humanly possible in order not to wake you up & would sneak downstairs to make coffee and start breakfast for the two of you, sometimes bringing it up to surprise you with breakfast in bed. the two of you would spend an hour (at minimum) in bed together, waking up and peppering each other with soft pecks all over. i think ethan would be extra soft™ in the mornings- he’d be super cuddly and affectionate. 

n = night (how are nights spent with them?)

nights spent with ethan would always hold a sort of unexplainable magic- there’s something about the thought of falling asleep next to him thats just so… comforting? he’d be so warm and easy to fall asleep with, all soft and hazy and gentle; he’d fall asleep holding you as big spoon, but when y’all woke up he’d be wrapped in your arms, laying on your chest. also, if you were having a hard time falling asleep, ethan would stay up with you, talking through whatever was on your mind even if he was barely able to keep his eyes open. 

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

i think that ethan would open up more and more as the relationship progresses, going along with the natural advancement of things unless something happened that made it crucial for him to open up; if that did happen, though, you wouldn’t have to pry anything out of him. ethan is a pretty honest, open person and wants to be transparent with you always- trust is something that he values above all else and he wants to remain very truthful with you.

p = patience (how easily angered are they?)

ethan is incredibly patient and understanding- it would take a lot to truly upset him. sure, the two of you would get into little tiffs here and there about stupid things, but the small arguments would be resolved within the hour with lots of hugs and kisses and soft “im sorry”s. however, if yall managed to get into a big argument, i think it would take ethan a bit to calm down and he would want to put some space between you two while he did- not to anger you any further, but to make sure that he didn’t say anything he didn't mean. ethan has a bit of a temper while he’s angry, and he wouldn’t want to say anything just to hurt you out of anger. after he cooled off he would come back and be willing to re-examine whatever had caused the issue with fresh eyes. 

q = quizzes (how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

if you’ve watched ethan ever, you know that the sweet bby doesn’t remember shit (cue the instagram live thats purpose was to help him remember a word)- but listen. i think that ethan would go out of his way to hold on to little pieces of information about his s/o, and would put so much effort into trying to remember little details. he’d store them in his brain (things like your favorite flower, the brand of chocolate you like best, etc) and reference them when he needed. 

r = remember (what is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

a couple moments would stick out to ethan - when y’all first met being his favorite. he’d remember every detail of the moment he was first introduced to you; what you were wearing, where you were, what y’all had been doing that night. it was something that he though about a lot, actually- he loved to reflect on the way you’d blushed as he’d introduced himself, how you’d hugged him at the end of the night. 

s = security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

ethan isn't possessive, but he is incredibly protective of you. he secretly hates whenever someone flirts with you, even if it’s strictly platonic- you're his s/o, and he doesn't want anyone thinking any different. like i said earlier (reference letter j), ethan wouldn’t be afraid to step in and put someone in their place of they were getting a little too friendly. he likes when you’re protective of him as well, even if its something very subtle to show that he’s spoken for, such as calling him a nickname or dropping a kiss on his cheek.

t = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

romantic ethan my belOVED- he would try so hard. ethan would plan surprises for you for weeks before they would unfold, even roping your family and friends into his schemes. He’d be so creative with date ideas too; picnics, art classes, different seasonal excursions around california. For bigger occasions like anniversaries, holidays, birthdays and all that, ethan wouldn’t hesitate to go bigger- i definitely think he would take you traveling. he wants to see the world with his love :,)

u = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

ethan bites his nails, which is why he’d had you paint them- he’s trying to break the habit

he’s a very sweary human, but so are you; the only issue is he has no filter and accidentally swears in front of kids all the time lmao

v = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

eh. ethan is more particular about certain aspects of his appearance over others, but he’s generally well put together. he likes for his hair to look good, though- that’s the one thing that he’s picky about. 

w = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

ethan is his own person and is able to function on his own, but the two of you have developed a sense of codependency with each other, like any couple does. he can’t see his life without you at all anymore, and would much rather have you around than not. the two of you have fallen into a flow together- you and him against the world. life is much easier when you have another person on your team, and he’s honored that he gets to play that role for you. 

x = xtra (a random headcanon for them.)

(this may or may not be a lil hint to a fic i'm working on shshhshshhhhhhhh)

on the night unus annus ended, ethan was a wreck - rightfully so

he had a bit of an existential crisis , and started to spiral a bit

you were worried about him , and knew that he would just continue to get into his own head

so you got him out of bed

and took him on a v special date

thats all for now ;)

y = yuck (what are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

ethan wouldn't like smoking (nicotine), and if that was a habit that you were willing to budge on, he would really try to help you break it. 

overall, ethan is a very considerate and kind person, so someone that was rude or had a sense of entitlement just wouldn’t fit well with him.

z = zzz (what is a sleep habits of theirs?)

ethan can’t fall asleep without background noise. his brain gets too loud when he’s just in bed in complete silence, for better or for worse; sometimes this leads to great video ideas or new concepts for the channel, but other times it just lead to him overthinking his life. when it was that kind of night, ethan would fall asleep to soft music or one of those white noise apps- then he became dependent on it to be able to fall asleep. something about filler noise managed to calm him right down and lull him to sleep, and he pays $5 a month for the premium version of his favorite white noise app.