#these are very much in line with headcanons i've previously made posts about

[touchlikethesun]

🎶period accurate spotify playlists, part 1

these are just my own headcanons for what music i think they all would listen to, if they had spotify back in the 70s.

i'd love to hear thoughts, if you agree, disagree, or think i should add any songs!

sirius: glam rock: bowie, queen, and t.rex. classic, vibey, with just a hint of gender.

remus: british punk: ian dury, the clash, x-ray specs. anger, anti-conformism, and activism. a little bit sexy, or so thinks sirius.

james: mostly prog rock: supertramp, electric light orchestra, and stealers wheel. what i would consider dad rock, easy to sing and dance to.

regulus: soft oldies: chet baker, edith piaf, and the platters. love songs with jazzy instrumentals and strong vocals. it's nostalgic to him. no one but james has even seen his music collection.

[yukidragon]

Sunny Day Jack - Reincarnation Headcanons

It’s been a while since I’ve gone on a proper ramble for Sunny Day Jack, so let’s start getting the ball rolling again with some good old shameless OTP self-indulgence, shall we? I have no idea how long my momentum will last, but I’m going to do my best to have fun and see where things take me.

I just loved the script teaser for the upcoming demo update that got publicly posted over on the SnaccPop Studios Patreon. It really got me thinking, and one line in particular intrigued me.

Jack: I can’t explain it, but I know this feeling. I've felt it before. I just can’t remember where...

This really gives me strong vibes that Joseph did have someone he loved before he died… and it really makes me keen to think that MC is his reincarnated lover. Or at least they remind him of a love he lost when he was murdered. This could also be a narrative parallel with the way MC used to(?) love Ian. It’s hard to say at this point.

Regardless, this did make me immediately think of my own MC Alice’s previous incarnation, Mary, who I first mentioned in a previous ramble. I also wrote about her in this very spicy two-sided first-person story, as well as a little snippet about Mary’s potential sweet reunion with Joseph after they were separated for years.

Content Warnings: this post will have mentions of death, trauma, bullying, SA, and probably touch on other dark themes. Reincarnation stories, especially those involving murder, tend to have a bit of a dark side after all. I’ll make sure to tread lightly on these topics since the focus is on indulging in a reincarnated soulmates storyline after all. I might also indulge in some spicy thoughts as well, but we’ll see.

As I previously mentioned, I’m still on the fence about whether or not I’m going to go with the reincarnation storyline for Sunshine in Hell, or stick with it being an AU thing. There’s plenty of pros and cons for both routes in my mind, and I’m still not quite decided yet. Though playing with it more in these rambles, reading that teaser, and even seeing other MCs with past incarnations have made me start to lean in that direction.

Though… it’s pretty sad to imagine that Joseph had love in his past… only to forget about it and only remember the persona of Jack that he’s wearing now. Then again, he would no doubt be sad that his lover forgot about him too. It’s not either of their fault of course. Death is a cruel thing that takes away so much…

Still, it would make more sense why Alice would feel compelled to save Jack, not just because she was in a vulnerable place and couldn’t turn away when someone was suffering and she could help him. A part of her would feel this strong sense of longing and nostalgia, a feeling that she had been waiting for this person for such a long, long time…

It also is more reason for Jack to instantly fall in love with Alice. Even if he forgot he was Joseph and anything tied to that life… he still remembered Mary, even if only as a feeling of love. Names, faces, and places aside from the lore of Sunny Day Jack were erased, but there was only ever one person who made him feel truly loved, and she found him again, just like she did before. He might not remember it, but a part of him wished for her to find him again for 40 long years.

Naturally, with a reincarnation storyline, that means that memories of the past would inevitably return. How much and how quickly are up for debate, but most likely it would be a gradual process for both of them.

It would be interesting if Alice remembered everything first. After all, Jack is practically traumatized by the idea of being Joseph. He doesn’t want to remember being that person who made so many mistakes and was so flawed. This is especially true if his death involved horrible secrets being revealed about him… secrets he never wanted Mary to know that he feared would ruin things between them forever.

Joseph would never have told Mary about his time as a bully, or why he ran away from Haberdae High. He couldn’t forgive himself for what he did, couldn’t see anyone being able to ever love someone who did something so horrible. He couldn’t let his past mistakes ruin things. He couldn’t lose her, not after he finally found her again. He wanted to be a better person for himself and for her.

Mary hated bullies, and Joseph had become the worst of the worst of them. Even if she hadn’t been his victim personally, he knew how she felt about bullies, how the damage they inflicted on someone never truly disappeared…

Having his ugly past revealed before her and the entire world in the worst way possible was no doubt soul crushing.

If the two of them had more time together, Mary could have helped Joseph open up about the things he was ashamed about and eventually forgive himself for his past mistakes, but he died at the worst possible time. It’s all the more reason why he can’t handle being Joseph anymore.

I’d have to consider all the implications of Alice remembering being Mary and if Jack would remember enough to be terrified of that idea. After all, if she remembers, sure she remembers the good moments, but she would also remember when his mask was ripped off and revealed the ugly person he was underneath. In that case, he would try to stop it from happening, deflect and avoid, terrified to let the past resurface while trying not to remember it himself.

Of course Sunshine in Hell is a story of two broken people healing and opening enough to expose their scars in order to heal. Alice would help Jack trust that he can be flawed, he can make mistakes, and she’ll still love him. It’ll take time, but eventually he’ll learn to stop hating the person he was and accept that he was always worthy of love.

While pondering possibilities, I also thought of the classic reincarnated transmigrator stories that are especially popular in the webcomic scene. The idea of Mary being reborn into her favorite story as the “villainess” Alice gives me a little chuckle. Though that’ll be an AU for another post.

Anyway, I considered how much Alice remembers of being Mary and when it started. Many reincarnation stories have the MC remember all at once when they’re young, sometimes even as a baby. That certainly wouldn’t be the case for Sunshine in Hell, since the more I thought about it, the more I knew that it would change the story, particularly when it comes to Alice and Ian’s relationship.

If Alice remembered her past life before she met Jack, it would be a painful gut punch, to say the least. There would be a strong feeling of dissociation. This life is so different from her past one, and Joseph isn’t there. It would give this feeling of not really being sure of who she was or if she should really be there. Does she deserve this life?

Then of course there’s the problems of remembering life as an adult while being stuck in a child’s body and all the issues that come with that.

Still… Mary always longed for a family who actually loved her, and Alice has that. It would be impossible for her to resist wanting to be Alice with her whole heart, to be surrounded by such love in a way she only experienced with one person. The only thing missing would be Joseph. A part of her would feel guilty about being happy without him.

But… if she was reborn, then Joseph must have been too, right? Would he remember her? How would she find him in this vast world?

Though… she did it before didn’t she? On a lonely road in the middle of nowhere, far from their old homes, somehow she found him. Even though he had changed, she still recognized him immediately. Surely she would find him again in this life too.

Mary didn’t have anyone left at the end of her life, and so she lost hope. Alice, however, has people around her who love her. She has hope and reasons to keep living. She has people who want her to be happy and feel loved, even without Joseph by her side.

So Alice would open her heart to the love all around her and live. She would also hold onto the hope that someday she would find her starlight again, no matter what name he had now.

Ian… is not Joseph. There are parallels in the game’s narrative between him and Jack, but their personalities are way too different. Ian and Alice would become friends, but romance wouldn’t develop between the two. It wouldn’t feel right for many reasons to Alice, especially since he’s just… not her starlight. She would be fond of Ian certainly and want to protect him, but she could only view him as a little brother, especially if she had the memories of an adult while they were still children.

So when poor shy Ian gathered the courage to confess to Alice, she had to gently turn him down. It just wasn’t fair to him, or to her. Maybe someday her heart will move on, but not yet, not until she finds someone who makes her feel love the way Joseph did.

Of course, if Alice remembered later on in her teens after she already had a crush on Ian, that complicates things. Sometimes traumatic incidents make people remember their past life incarnations in these stories. For Alice, her most traumatic incident was when she suffered from SA.

Boy, what an awful time to remember one’s tragic death and lost love, don’t you think?

Alice woke up in the aftermath in pain while remembering even more pain, two overlapping identities warring in her mind even as she has to deal with the fresh trauma inflicted upon her. It took her a while to process what happened to her even without adding the memories of Mary on top of all of that.

One side of Alice feels the pain of losing the love of her life as well as fresh memories of dying slowly all alone, and the other side just lost her innocence after her power and agency were stripped away from her. It would be quite a rough time, and how could she tell anyone about these memories? Who would believe her? They’re too real to feel like just a dream she had due to trauma… but what if she’s wrong? Could trauma be great enough to create memories of an entirely different life in an instant?

Fortunately, Alice has the love of her family to help her through hard times, as well as good friends like Ian to support her. It takes a while for her to really process and accept everything, but she at least knows she is loved.

In this scenario, despite the crush Alice had on Ian, she wouldn’t feel right letting it develop into anything more, especially not when her memories of Joseph and the intense love she had for him would be so much more fresh. She would feel guilty, as though she had cheated on… Ian? Joseph? Both?

Either way, Alice is not in any state to enter into a romantic relationship.

So, hey, Alice might be facing reincarnation trauma and dissociation with her identity in this AU, but she avoids a bad romantic relationship and being cheated on. Poor Ian gets turned down by his childhood friend turned crush, but at least they’re still good friends, even if she’s a bit more distant now after the… incident.

Regardless of the twists and turns remembering her past would take her to the present day, eventually Alice finds the tape. It’s just so compelling. When she sees it’s an episode of the SunnyTime Crew Show, well, there’s no way she could resist it. Just the logo would hit her with painful nostalgia and struggling not to cry in the thrift store. For a moment, she just hugs the tape to herself, remembering all the times she wrote for the show as Mary, watched the filming, and especially the last day they ever filmed… and it leaves her longing for the day she finds her starlight again.

Alice has to watch the tape.

It feels ominous too. The blood red handwritten scrawl of “‘84 Incident” makes Alice think about that incident… but surely that couldn’t be… right? LambsWork Productions destroyed every trace of the show. Surely they would’ve gone scorched earth on any recording of the murder?

Then again, if all the tapes were destroyed… that should have included the one she found in this thrift store…

Alice all but runs back home after buying the tape, not bothering with anything else she was going to purchase that day. Her hands are shaking when setting up the VCR, but fortunately she remembers how to use it. It’s almost muscle memory going through the motions of playing a VHS tape. She can’t peel her eyes away from the screen, holding her breath.

The show starts and… oh the pain from nostalgia is unlike anything else. Jack - her starlight - is there. That familiar dazzling smile shining at her as the episode starts. When he greets her and asks her name, she can’t help but answer him, though she doesn’t notice which name she gives him…

I’ve gone over thoughts of how the deal between Alice and Jack might have gone in previous posts. Seeing Joseph’s death again hurts like hell, but the moment Jack starts to talk directly to her, that’s when her heart really starts to pound.

Needless to say, Alice is just as desperate to save Jack as he is to be saved. The pact is made, and their souls are tied together, making them true soulmates.

Then again they already were even without the deal. ;3

Of course, the trauma of the pact does make Alice forget the agreement they made, but her reaction is very different when she wakes up. There’s a moment where she just has to stare at Jack, smiling gently down at her, greeting her like he used to… and she starts to shake. This isn’t a dream, is it?

Jack innocently replies that of course it’s not a dream. Her pal Sunny Day Jack is here to brighten up her day!

Jack doesn’t expect Alice to practically throw herself into his arms and hug him, but he reacts instantly to embrace her. It’s familiar, warm, wonderful, and everything he could ask for.

“I’m happy to see you too, sunshine,” Jack said with a chuckle.

Unfortunately… Jack is in character. Alice calling him Joseph is like a splash of ice, chilling him to the core and he has to correct her, gently of course.

It’s very apparent to Alice that Jack is shaken up. She tries to explain, talk of their past lives and remembering, and Jack… can’t handle it, burying himself deeply into the character of Sunny Day Jack, insisting he’s not who she thinks he is, trying to skirt away from anything Joseph. He cites off lore of the SunnyTime Crew and Sunny Day Jack that she helped write about the character back when she was on the writing staff.

It’s surreal for both of them, with mixed feelings, but Jack is ever eager to change the topic to something sunnier, to try and be the best and brightest friend known as Sunny Day Jack. Alice learns she can’t push him, at least not right now, but now… she’s left wondering if this is really Joseph… or a memory left in the tape? What if he’s just the character brought to life?

What if she lost her mind?

Still, Alice can’t bring herself to push Jack away, even if it’s a bit painful. Over time she picks up that he is Joseph after all, but he forgot everything.

Is this the result of the tape? The murder? Something else? Alice has to figure out what really happened at the studio that day. At the same time, she has to focus on figuring out where to go with Jack.

Alice wished to see Joseph again, no matter what name he had now, but she never expected something like this.

Still… she’s different now too. She’s not Mary anymore. She might have Mary’s memories, but she also has Alice’s memories, a second lifetime in different circumstances, different choices and experiences. She’s different from who she used to be.

So what does that mean for her and Joseph Jack?

Obviously the shadow of Joseph scares Jack. Alice won’t force him to remember, not when his death and what came after were so horrible. Instead she tries to get to know who he is now and figure out where to go from there.

Alice quickly falls in love with Jack. He’s not Joseph, and yet the important parts of him that she fell in love with are still the same. She sees little things of Joseph in him, but he’s also different at the same time. He’s changed, he’s masking things, but he’s still her silly starlight who never failed to make her smile.

Jack tries to overlook memories Alice stirs up in him, hints of sunshine that looked a bit different, but with the same beautiful blue eyes that always held such warmth. He focuses solidly on the present and enjoying his life now with his sunshine.

Still, Joseph’s habits slowly come back in spite of himself. Alice makes him feel so loved and accepted. He has moments where he slips, and she loves him despite it.

Needless to say, this AU would also have a happy ending. They would also get together much sooner than the main universe. While Alice would be trying to keep a respectable distance to understand who Jack was now as he is without forcing him to be someone he doesn’t want to be anymore or pushing her feelings and memories on him, Jack is a yandere who wants her badly. He’s going to notice her feelings quickly and do everything he can to encourage them.

Since Alice doesn’t have baggage from her toxic relationship with Ian holding her back, and she’s been aching to be with Joseph for so long, it won’t be long before her resolve crumbles. He’s always been so good at seducing her, even while dressed up as a silly clown. He might be wearing a different name and look, but he’s still her starlight, and he always had a knack for making her feel so loved, precious, and irreplaceable.

Jack might have buried his memories, but he’s quick to remember all of the ways he could make his sunshine melt in his arms. There are small hiccups due to her SA trauma as he has to be careful about the triggers she has from that, but he’s patient and gentle with her. He thoroughly focuses on her pleasure and comfort, making sure she feels nothing but safe and loved the entire time.

Needless to say, Alice’s first time in this universe is much more pleasant than it is in the main timeline.

It all feels familiar to both of them, the physical and emotional aspects of making love that they experienced countless times in the past, but the feelings are more intense due to the supernatural connection between them making their feelings bleed into one another. Jack at times is almost overwhelmed by nostalgia, but it doesn’t scare him when they’re making love. The nickname of “starlight” Alice used for him was always familiar, but it didn’t upset him like the name “Joseph” did, not when it’s his sunshine calling him that, saying she loves him, and kissing him so tenderly. She makes sure to call him Jack or starlight even while she’s screaming in pleasure beneath him. She’s careful to avoid old names that bring him pain, focusing on who he is now, taking care not to push him when she senses it’s causing him distress. She cares just as much about his comfort and avoiding his triggers just as he does for her.

That increase in intimacy, both physical and emotional, is the trigger that starts Jack really remembering things as Joseph, but not in a negative way. It’s an addicting feeling, one that’s hard to resist, especially when it feels so, so good and comes with so much pleasure and love.

Still, at some point Jack starts to get those fears of Alice learning… something. He still flees from those bad memories, not even wanting to know what that something was.

But over time… Alice helps Jack accept his past. It takes him a while, but when he’s forced to face it and she reinforces the fact that she accepts him, even the awful things he did back then, that she still loves him… he practically collapses into her arms, crying, just so relieved.

For 40 years he was convinced that the reveal destroyed everything, robbed him of love, and it… didn’t. Alice lets Jack be who he wants to be and accepts the mistakes he made in the past who are a part of the person he is today. She loves him even with all his flaws, and she wants to help him to keep growing to become the person that he wants to be, because he’s always been the person she wants to be with, flaws and all.

It still takes Jack a while to accept his past identity as Joseph, but Alice helps him. She can also relate, as it took her a while to accept her past incarnation as Mary too. It’s something they both can understand intimately. Even if their circumstances for being reborn as new people are different, they both understand each other in a way no one else can, and they help each other navigate what it means to live a new life while being haunted by the memories of a previous one that was less than ideal.

Fortunately, this time, their love story has a happy ending instead of a tragic one.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur

[0junemeatcleaver0]

This post is the first in a series where I attempt to untangle the most mysterious aspects of Marius's mortal life.

Here I attempt to tackle the question of his political life in Rome.

DISCLAIMER: I would like to preface this by acknowledging the obvious, which is that I doubt Anne actually put this much thought into Marius’s back story. Additionally, when I hit post on this, I will be done thinking about the topic. Meaning: my mind is largely made up on this particular matter. I've done as much research as I want to do, and I've done the amount of arguing that I want to do--which is none. None arguing. This is more or less just a very researched headcanon, ignore if you like.

We of course are introduced to Marius in The Vampire Lestat. TVL is where we get the most insight into Marius’s life as a mortal--more so than we get in even his own book, Blood and Gold. We also gain additional information from Pandora’s story.

Here is what we learn about mortal Marius:

He was the illegitimate child of a wealthy Roman man and a Keltic slave woman

In B&G, he claims to have been high ranking in one of the legions, though he never saw battle

He claims to have later been a Senator, which means his father would had to have been of the Patrician class or a plebeian who became so rich he was promoted to Senatorial class

He never married

This is where we run into our first inconsistency in Marius’s back story.

In Blood and Gold, when Thorne asks if Marius was a soldier, this is how Marius responds:

Marius shook his head. “A Senator,” he said, “a maker of laws, something of a philosopher. I went to war, yes, for some time because my family wished it, and I had a high place in one of the legions, but my time wasn’t very long and I was home and back in my library. […] I never really knew battle. (B&G, p. 28-29)

Meanwhile, in Pandora, Lydia pleads for her father to allow her to marry Marius. He shoots her down, saying:

[…] But believe you me, the Emperor himself would not approve of you marrying such a mad wandering historian as Marius! He has never served in the military, he cannot enter the Senate, it is quite impossible. When you marry, you will marry well.” (Pandora, p. 55)

As previously stated, it is impossible to know if this is just Anne’s love of unreliable narrators at play, or if this is a lack of her remembering what she’d stated in previous books. But for our purposes, we will treat this as being purely a matter of unreliable narrators being at play.

So what’s the truth?

We can figure out who is telling the truth by looking at Roman laws of the time. The question is “Was Marius ever actually a Senator?”. There are three avenues that could lead us to the conclusion that he was; but if he isn’t seen to meet any of these requirements, it is safe to assume he is lying to Thorne.

Fortunately, we have enough clues about which avenue(s) would be most plausible (if any) just from the information provided by Marius himself.

The oldest male of a Patrician family (or the eldest son, if the father were infirm) could become a Senator

The same could happen for the son of a plebeian family if his father had become wealthy enough to jump to Senatorial class

So from what we know of how he was treated by his father (taken under his control--IE: adopted--and given an education and unlimited resources for his travels, etc.), he was seen as being equal to his legitimate brothers.

The Institutes of Gaius also detail several ways that Marius could have become a Roman citizen even if his mother had not been freed.

So with the problem of his parentage and his related rights out of the way, we are left to ask: Was Marius the eldest son?

It’s not stated explicitly where in birth order Marius falls, but I suspect he is not the eldest son due to this line:

And her people had been giants, it seemed. At a very young age, I towered over my father and my brothers. (TVL, p. 397)

Towering over your younger siblings isn’t so remarkable as to need making a point of. And so it stands to reason these brothers Marius talks about are older than him.

The third path to becoming a Senator is the longer path, and it begins with serving in the legions and then rising slowly through the ranks of the lower offices.

It certainly seems as though Marius is implying that he took the last of these routes to becoming a Senator. Which would be rising through the ranks of the Cursus Honorum.

But perhaps the most damning evidence that Marius is lying here is time itself. Marius simply did not have enough time to climb the ranks of the Cursus Honorum before he was turned at the age of 40. 

Here are the facts: 

The first time Pandora sees Marius, she is 10 and guesses him to be 25 years of age. 

We know he was not serving in the military at this time because of two laws: The one prohibiting soldiers to marry, and the Lex Julia de maritandis ordinibus requiring all male Roman citizens between the ages of 25 and 60 under the rule of Augustus to marry. 

On page 51 of Pandora, Marius attempts to ask for Lydia’s hand via her father. On page 52, he explains to her: 

“Well, that sort of wanderer and dreamer likes nothing better than to betroth himself to a young girl of ten because it means she is not old enough to marry and he has years of freedom, without the censure of the Emperor. They do it all the time.”

If Marius were already enlisted, he’d be too early into the required ten year service to be worried about securing a wife. But if he weren’t serving, the matter of marriage would become more pressing, as an unmarried man of his age would be expected to pay extra in taxes for continuing to be single. 

Ten years in the military was mandatory for securing political office (though some wiggle room was given there). 

When we next see Marius, Lydia is 15 and so Marius would have been 30. 

As previously stated, Lydia’s father says on page 55 of Pandora that still at this time, Marius has never served in the military and thus cannot enter the Senate. 

And while it is possible that her father was lying just because he didn’t like Marius, Pandora’s reaction to his proclamations lead me to believe that he wasn’t, as does this passage: 

“[...] why don’t you marry me to Marius? I don’t understand it. I’m rich. He’s rich. I now his Mother was a wild Keltoi princess, but his Father has adopted him.’

My Father said witheringly, ‘Where have you learned all this?’ [...] ‘I don’t know; it’s common knowledge.’” –Pandora, page 55

It makes sense–the Patrician class was a small group in comparison to the plebians. And people have always been the same IE: gossips. It would make sense that the basics of Marius’s background, his station in life, and how he’s been biding his time would all be known to Pandora in at least the vaguest way. She doesn’t refute her father’s claims about Marius’s life as a loafer because she knows it to be true already. 

And this is a Marius of 30 years of age. If he completed the required 10 years of service, he’d be 40. If he were allowed the wiggle room others were afforded, he could have ended his service as early as 37 years of age. 

And it still wouldn’t matter. 

Because under Augustus (the Emperor who ruled from the time Marius was 3-4 years old until about four years after he was turned), freedmen could not run for office, nor could they be made part of the senatorial class. 

Marius describes himself as “illegitimate” several times and even tells Lestat that his mother died when he was born–implying she died in childbirth (page 397 of The Vampire Lestat).

It is not a huge leap in logic to assume Marius’s mother never received formal manumission, as Marius claims all he knows of her is that she was once a Celtic princess and a slave. It stands to reason that if Marius's father ever freed his mother, he would know about it–especially since his mother being freed at his time of birth would have made Marius optimo jure, thus giving him full rights as a Roman citizen. 

Because all children born to slave women were considered slaves, it also stands to reason that Marius’s father adopted him via manumission, and since the freedman in that situation would take on his former master’s nomen gentilicium and then enter into a pseudo-paternal relationship with him, it stands to reason that Marius’s father would treat him as a son and give him freedom, money, property, etc. 

But he would still not be eligible to become a Senator. 

And it is for those reasons, I believe Marius was never a Senator, and indeed never served in the military, either. 

Sources:

[livelaughlovetoread]

Dearest,

I trust this owl finds you well and without undue delay. I have some questions about the owl's reliability, but she did seem eager for the job.

I am most eager to learn more about the story you are crafting and posting on this formplato (?) called AO3. Might I inquire as to how long you have been working on it? Additionally, I would be most interested to know what first inspired you to embark upon this story, as well as what aspect you have found most delightful thus far—whether it be a favourite line, the writing process itself, or any unexpected discoveries along the way.

With warm regards, Me <3

Honestly, you don't know how much I need this today with the election going on so thank you.

I'm also going to go off the rails a bit so wooops....

If anyone is interested after reading the ramblings below the fic is A Light In The Shadows.

Might I inquire as to how long you have been working on it?

This is an intresting question because it's both over a decade and since this summar.

For the decade part - I have held some very strong Jily opinions for a long time. I often tell myself stories before I go to bed or just to relax. (This is now how I write chapters before I do write them)

I have always felt like James was nerdy and a one-woman man (meaning he only dated Lily). He really liked Lily, but lacked the confidence to ask her out until he was in a crowd that was cheering him on like in SWM. To me, James is someone who projected confidence sometime as he was a loud, talkative, smart person. The hand running through the hair is the manifestation of his anxiety to me in SWM. I think James had confidence/ is arrogant in his ability to do intellectual things and quidditch - but people, and whether or not they liked him, was hard for him to figure out. It's one of those "I know she likes me, but does she like me enough." He can be both a confident arrogant person, and vulnerable.

I also think James held very black-and-white thinking.

You insult my father on the train (Snape) -> You're a bad person You use curses (Snape) -> You're a bad person You hang out with bigoted people (Snape) -> You're a bad person You have a crush on someone -> You don't date other people because it's disingenuous.

Now, I've been telling myself these stories for a long time, but I also like reading. And I've never found something that was 100% what I was looking for - and then I realized I was never going to unless I wrote it down.

I’ve read so many amazing Jily fics and I have loved learning how each of us interprets them - it’s wonderful to see how we take what we know and put it into words. I just thought it would be fun to put my ideas to words.

So this summer, I started doing that. I previously talked about how a post on here really got me going and that is why I started writing my first fic Mistle-Wow, which will eventually be in ALITS.

Then I made a timeline, and now I have a whole story planned.

Additionally, I would be most interested to know what first inspired you to embark upon this story.

I'll build on this a little more - I really wanted something that I felt reflects canon and my headcanons - that are based on interpretations of the canon that we know.

I know we typically do Enemies to Lovers - and a lot of time it's Jily REALY not liking each other. But this is something I have just never 100% been down with.

Have I read fics that do this - yes. Will I continue to read fics that do this - absolutely.

But to me, Jily is like the ultimate slow-burn rivalry to romance.

They shared a common room and classes for years. Are you telling me these two smart people never had any conversation besides yelling at each other? That they never asked questions on HW or hung out in a group because they were all Gryffindor? They were never paired for a HW task in all their years?

No, these two knew each other's business.

James was cautious of Lily's wand in SWM. This girl was not sitting by letting James Potter do what he wanted, no, Lily was hexing him when he was annoying and pissing her off. Lily just knew better than to get caught. Also, Lily had a sister, she knew the "don't tell mum drill" and how to be strategic. James didn't care about getting into trouble.

They respected each other, but Lily hated the way James treated Sev - because he was her friend. Lily also does not have black-and-white thinking like James - she sees the gray in the world and that people can be flawed way before James does.

I wanted to read a story that had these components and so I was like "fuck it - I wrote a PhD thesis I can do this."

I will say a thesis and fanfiction are two very different things, however, I felt like I was in a place where I could write this story. I was/am very nervous people will hate it, but I'm excited about the adventure.

What aspect you have found most delightful thus far—whether it be a favourite line, the writing process itself, or any unexpected discoveries along the way

I originally was thinking of only doing the classic 5th year and on fic, but then I realized that if Jily is a slow-burn we need to see it from the first moment. There have to be so many little moments that lead them to where they get together. So it did surprise me that I am writing a brith-death fic.

I love how I have things in chapter 1 that relate to events that will happen in the epilogue. I enjoy sooooo much putting in details that I'm like ooo I wonder if people will catch what this will mean later on.

I have plot points that span years timeline-wise for payoff, and I am just excited to hopefully see someone be like OMG.

For all the chapters I sit at my computer going hehehe hope you catch this! Like the fact that Fleamont likes cars and Sirius has a motorbike like Sirius did not get that from his parents.

Also unexpected discoveries - I am verbose. Girl cannot write 2k chapters to save her life, they like 5k min 😂

[jimmyandthegiraffes]

Fic Writing Review 2023 🌈

Thank you sm @itwoodbeprefect for the tag!!!

I hardly published anything this year so if u wanna skip to 'projects for 2024' that's gonna be the most interesting bit >.<

Words and Fics (on ao3) 📚

words posted: 714 💀 but many more words were written, just not posted lol fics posted: 1 first fic/last fic 😅: King of the Eyesores - Doctor Who (1963)

Ships and Fandoms ⚓

Doctor Who - no ships really but KotE is Mike Yates-centric.

Top 5 Fics by Kudos 🏆

It's KotE again lol which is at 6 kudos. Of all time, tho:

After the Hour(glass) - Night at the Museum (Jedtavius)

Less Than Ideal Circumstances - The Man from UNCLE (TV) (Napollya)

When They Sleep - The Man from UNCLE (TV)

Dismiss Your Fears - Back to the Future

After All, I'm Only Sleeping - Doctor Who (1963)

Top 5 Favorite Fics 💖

KotE......... I do actually rly enjoy KotE I think it has potential in terms of where it's going. But since I only posted one fic in 2023, I'll do my top 5 of fics I've ever posted. Apart from the first one this is in no particular order

tickertape - The A-Team (TV) it's my baby it's all I thought about for months of my life, it's like an iceberg (i.e. most of it is in my WIP doc, and only a tiny fraction is published so far), it got me thru a difficult time, it's an exploration of mental illness and complicated messy relationships expressed in epic format (i.e. it's probably gonna be novel length when it's done)

Bullet Number Six - Starsky & Hutch (TV) it received criticism for being obscure and hard to follow bc it switches pov briefly halfway thru but idc i love it anyway

I Gotta Right to Sing the Blues - The A-Team (TV) it was my first A-Team fic and I still think for a beginner it nailed some p realistic in-character dialogue and addressed an undertone I wished I'd seen addressed in the ep it's a coda to.

When They Sleep - The Man from UNCLE (TV) it's kind of riddled with certain mannerisms of my slightly older writing which I personally find a bit annoying and have worked to iron out for the sake of elegance over the years. but I still think it's a cool little exploration of all my sleep headcanons for the pair of them in one place

King of the Eyesores - Doctor Who (1963) see it made it to the list after all! I kinda like it more for its potential than for what it is right now butttttt who cares.

special mention to Unbereft (Starsky & Hutch) which I really really like but I wrote it in one frenzied sitting and only remembered after I'd posted it that it was very like someone else's fic I'd read several years previously. I don't think it's too much like to be taken down and I've since mentioned the writer of the other fic (it was dawnwind, hello!) in the notes. that's the only reason unbereft isn't in my top 5 because I'm otherwise really proud of how well it's written. Not to tootle on my own trumpet.

Fandom fic events

none RIP but maybe this year!!

Projects for 2024

Okay here we goooooooooooo

priority 1 is to finish the unfinished works that I've already half posted: King of the Eyesores, Every Line A Comedy, OUTATIME, The Windhover, tickertape, The Hanoi Bank Job and Other Misadventures, 38 Hours. Bolded are my top priorities.

other works that I'm writing but which haven't seen the light of day at all yet:

Dear Mike - an epistolary between Jo Grant and Mike Yates following her marriage to Cliff Jones.

The Lark/Behind That Locked Door (working titles) - a 30-chapter 2/Jamie fic about season 6B in which Jamie suffers permanent memory problems after the War Games. It explores grief, social ostracism, feeling abandoned, undirected anger, guilt, and acceptance that healing sometimes is a process that is never complete. I've been working on it since about 2016 lol but I'm lazy I just need to press on.

hell valley au - as yet untitled lol. In which the Hell Valley!Marty (who is never seen in BTTF2 as he is in Switzerland) and Hell Valley!Doc (who has been institutionalized) break out of their respective situations and go on the run together. But there's a problem - they had to leave Einstein behind, and when they get information that Einie is to be used for a dogfight, they make the risky decision to go back to Hill Valley to rescue him. However, going back to the place they just escaped by the skin of their teeth also brings them face to face with the last person they expect to meet.

a changed man (working title) - a Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) fic from Jeannie's pov. mostly it's about their picnic excursions but it's also about Jeannie wishing Marty wasn't such an elephant in the room

mfu/rahd xover (untitled) - the first chapter of this is almost ready to go tbh. it's what it says on the tin lol, Napoleon and Illya go to London and get help from a rather eccentric private detective who has uncanny powers of solving impossible cases but also they think is probably clinically insane

to see him happy - VERY weird rahd fic. it's smut but its also about grief. might never post it because several of my family members have access to my tumblr and therefore my ao3 lol they dont need to see that

the winter of '62 - a study of jeff and marty's life when they lived together in a grotty bedsit and couldnt afford to put the heating on

star wars (untitled) - set during ROTJ, han pov. han's lost a lot of time and now everyone is one step ahead of him which isn't a sensation he's used to

skyrissian - what it says on the tin lol

the older gen (untitled) - jeeves fic about bertie's aunts and uncles and parents as they were as they variously grew up, got married, had children, died (or didn't), fell prey to alcoholism or insanity or petty crime, went to war, prospered (or didn't)... This is pretty unlikely to be finished this year tbh as it's very detailed but I can dream

a couple of long form fics about starsky & hutch and mfu respectively (the s&h one is set post sweet revenge, the mfu one takes place at various moments throughout the show)

x-files series - canon compliant until paperclip and then gradually diverges into how i think the show should have gone lol. another biggie

and a handful of tintin fics that im protective of and might never post but we'll see - one where tintin and chang go on holiday in london after picaros, one where the gang encounters rajaijah one last time (featuring a letter from didi, chang making a very daring crossing at the songolese border, and tintin taking about ten years to chop up a clove of garlic), and one where tintin gets shitfaced at an embassy ball and accidentally starts an Incident. haddock looks on, appalled.

i knoooooooooooooooowww this is a lot but i'm not realistically hoping to finish it all this year but it's nice to have lots of things to play around with lol.

unfortunately i have the eternal problem of not ever knowing which of my mutuals write fic and which of those havent already been tagged but imma tag @theteaisaddictive and genuinely if u see this and u write fic ur tagged i want to knowwwwwwwwwwwww <333

[datastate]

Hi I'm the Mr. Chidouin being manipulative to Kai who's projecting anon, hopefully there aren't others so you understand which ask I'm referring to. Idk if one of your last posts was referring to me but in case it was I'm sorry, I didn't notice and didn't mean to just "remix" what you were already saying, I thought I was adding something of my own-ish but I probably missed some of your posts :(

Sorry again and sorry for the likely wonky English too but it's 3:15 am and I'm a bit sleepy so I just hope what I'm saying is understandable

I'm sorry, I didn't read what you posted next and assumed I did something bad 😭 There's no rush in replying to any of my asks ofc don't worry I'm sorry if it came across like that I'm just terrible at expressing myself Have a great whatever your time is where you are :D

hi!! no worries abt it; i know there was likely no ill-intent with you or anyone else who has done this in the past (except for. a couple hk fans but OTL neither here nor there), and it's only natural to be inspired by other headcanons/meta you've seen floating around -- it's how a sort of 'fan community' works! it's one of the things i greatly appreciate abt spaces like these, too.

in particular, i just get very wary when it's repurposed to specifically be a case of 'why is no one talking about this' / 'i'm the first one to talk about this' (& adjacent types of 'presentation') when... hey. i can see this person is following me while i have been speaking about [headcanon/meta]. on occasion, i do reach out to rb the post itself w a rehashing of my thoughts in case the other person's too scared to initiate conversation and does genuinely want to engage in it - i just haven't had the energy as of late to initiate conversations as long as i typically enjoy... (º □ º l|l)

as for yourself, though i know you've realized it wasn't abt you (or really. anyone. it's just a disheartening pattern i've recognized;;), don't worry! especially as you are the one who's been sending in asks to have that little back/forth, i truly appreciate it!!

&. i also struggle with tone, so i apologize if the original post came across accusatorily/angrily as that wasn't my intention at all!! - i don't hold any grudge at all against people who do this, and i realize it's something that is oftentimes unintentional! like i said, it just makes me sad because it halts that sort of engaging conversation/discussion you can have with other people :'] rather it's through asks or rbs, or even through discord messages, i really do love getting the chance to share/hear out ideas. there's no need for this to be solitary, and it honestly shouldn't be!

i know in my experience, there are some people who've definitely thought more about characters than i've ever considered - such as keiji, where miles'/atlas-of-galaxies' interpretation of him has now influenced my view of his character for the better and on a deeper level than i previously gave him credit for. or even anzu! i'm sure everyone's seen hazard's/corvidcrown's extensive headcanons for anzu that still manage to fall in line with how she acts in-game and keeps the information we were given in ch3's introduction (staring at nankidai forgetting he wrote it so anzu. made her outfit) & it's really inspiring and i love talking to him about her because it always presents so many new ways to handle her character!! even kanna - someone who i consider myself to think a lot about - one of my other friends (jaws/jawzxcm) recently wrote kanna and touched on specifically how/why her insecurities aligned with her desire to 'prove' herself worthy as someone to be cared about (in kindness (which kugie points out begins to feel like she's a doormat), & in usefulness (as seen in the main death game)). it's hard to keep it concise, but there was much more discussion behind each of these that made me go like 'holy shit! that's such a cool interpretation' (it has fundamentally changed my view of the character)

these are all characters that i also dig into, but it's typically through their dynamics with other characters that i spend more time thinking about - which means i don't often get the chance to truly mull over every little detail. but getting the chance to hear from others who have... it's really heart-warming and eye-opening! i always enjoy getting the chance to share that and find realizations/new ways of reading their character arcs that i wouldn't have previously done on my own.

[jinglerat]

What specific things have d20 fans been saying because all I see is people reacting to hate and Idk if I just have the right people blocked or I'm all the way removed from this side of the Fandom or what

since the teaser dropped earlier this year, i've seen people just hating Matt because they don't like his DM style, or they make fun of his style (vests), or they just straight up don't like him for no reason other than "oh he's gonna ruin ACoC."

i think it's gotten worse since the trailer dropped this week but i already blocked a bunch of people from the teaser drop. people are complaining that he's gonna take NPCs previously headcanoned by the fandom as queer and make them straight, or they think they'll characterize other NPCs that may appear in TRW in a different way than what was established in fanon. it's mostly the people who have always been very invested in ACoC lore (some of them have contributed to certain fan books or zines) are just overall being very precious with their fanon. someone even said something along the lines of "if you didn't buy this certain fan zine or collection you shouldnt have an opinion on ACoC" which i get is a joke, but you get the idea why they're being so aggro about TRW and Matt DMing.

it's a bunch of people in the same overlapping circles. i've even seen someone who i know works with dropout or d20 subtitles or is probably a discord mod (based on tweets i saw over time) who has made some nasty comments about Matt's vests. i was mutuals with some of them but i've blocked most if not all that i've seen even vaguely posting mean stuff about matt or how the new season will go.

Sephie has specifically subtweeted people who are complaining that the new season will not comply with the established fanon because Matt will be DMing. Surena has subtweeted people who have been throwing nasty comments about Matt DMing in the dome.

idk what the new bad stuff is since i've blocked most of them. but since the noise is getting so much louder on twitter, i'm assuming it's still awful and i may have missed some new hater talking points.

[hope-grace-serenity]

Hello! I know it has been a while and that Far Cry 5 fandom is pretty much dead (D:), but I was wondering what your opinion was regarding The Collapse DLC :-). Because there has been a considerable blacklash about it on tumblr when it came out, but I really liked it & I think it actually showed some hidden depths of the Seed family that I've just been wondering about... till now. So I was just curious about your opinion of the portrayal of the Seeds :-)

Hi! :D I know fandom reception of the DLC was…less than favorable (on tumblr, anyway. I didn’t see backlash anywhere else). But personally? I loved it, and I vehemently disagree with the claims that it was out of character. It might have gone against preferred headcanons, but in terms of what actually ended up on screen in the FC5/New Dawn base games, the Collapse DLC was very much in line with how the characters were previously portrayed. I haven’t seen too much controversy about Jacob, so I’ll focus mainly on John, Joseph, and Faith.

John has always been portrayed as a man with a strong sadistic streak that was simultaneously weaponized and kept in check by Joseph’s presence;  the “urges” speech might not be the most sophisticated writing, but the overall idea was just a reiteration of what we saw in FC5. He takes obvious glee in torturing Hudson and the Deputy and Nick and I did not find the story about the woman he killed to be shocking in the slightest. Maybe it’s because I’m not a John stan, but I find claims that he’s too violent in the DLC to be genuinely baffling. He’s always been portrayed as a sadist. 

In regards to Faith’s portrayal, I felt extremely vindicated lmao. I wrote a long-ass essay about Faith and what I feel are the obvious conclusions about her character and relationship with Joseph that are often ignored or denied in fandom (despite the game’s writer literally confirming it): that Joseph views her as a twisted stand-in for his wife, and he abuses his power to engage in a sexual relationship with her. To provide some background, @intheforest-hides-a-light and myself began collaborating on the doc several months before the DLC was even released. We had 20 pages of content WITHOUT *any* of the blatant subtext from the DLC—and yes, “Faith being the wife’s name” was one of the conclusions we made before it was stated directly. While the hints from the DLC were eventually added into the essay, FC5 by itself provides more than enough evidence that supports that Faith was in an unhealthy dynamic with Joseph.

Joseph is a manipulator and an abuser. He also has a deep sincerity in his mission and genuinely wants the world to be a better place in the post-collapse world. These things are not contradictory, as is the idea that because Faith victimizes others, she can’t also be a victim. I feel like in a lot of discourse regarding his relationship with Faith, it gets broken down into this black-and-white way of thinking that does a disservice to both characters. Joseph is a complex, multifaceted person, and the Collapse DLC just makes him more interesting imo. 

I’m not surprised that tumblr reception to the DLC has been frosty. This is a fandom that rejected Drew Holmes’ own words about the characters he created as being OOC, rejected New Dawn as fanfic despite the director saying it’s canon, and now rejects the DLC. Official content getting rejected in favor of headcanon is par for the course. 

And in a way, that’s fine. The beauty of fandom allows for people to interpret the characters the way they want. There are plenty of fandoms where I downright ignore parts of canon too. But I always remember to separate headcanon from actual canon. And imo, the portrayals of the characters were consistent with their portrayals from FC5.

[damnation-if]

offering a counterpoint to a previous anon's suggestion. i'd personally feel uncomfortable with the implementation of top/bottom tracking and especially dom/sub tracking. topping and bottoming arent personality traits - they're preferences for penetration during (anal) sex. they aren't the be-all end-all of sexual activity behaviour. it doesn't even make sense to label most non-anal sex as having a top or bottom! it's inventing an arbitrary (and often heavily pseudo-gendered) binary. and dom/sub are bdsm terms. they should be used within a negotiated play situation, with safe words. they aren't personality traits; they're play preferences. it would make more sense to just let people choose what they wanted their mc to do should it ever come up - it'd be equally weird to assign an mc "sadism/masochism" as a personality metric when it only applies in specific (negotiated!! with planning and safewords!!!) circumstances. enough IFs already force players to choose between a false binary of "bashful shy flustered mc" and "forward bold cocky mc" in romances, it would be nice to see an IF that embraces the more nuanced and varied ways that sexual interactions and romance and flirting can happen

i'm going to be honest and say that everything you've said is more or less also how i feel about the matter; if you read through the ask where someone inquired as to the ROs preferences i said something along the same lines (though more simplistically), but i'd been sitting in basically a disconnect void between "things i feel i can confidently say about my own characters" and "things that players can decide about their mcs" on this one.

i want to clarify that keeping the previous anon's comments in mind, as i said i would, would have been more along the lines of. perhaps bringing it up in (non-judgmental, purely for interest's sake) conversation with the RO if they chose something different than previously, rather than "because you chose x and y you behave like z" since i do understand your concerns... as i've said previously, i have no interest in locking anybody into any type of sexual behaviour or activity.

i'd received quite a few questions from people about various aspects of the sex scenes that are simply going to have to remain in headcanon territory because it's not realistic or logical to make a choice or variable for things like. individual proficiency or dick/boob size or. variation in elasticity lmfao. so i suppose getting questions about this my reaction was to entertain the idea despite it not being my initial plan simply because it is actually Logistically Feasible to do so. however, i agree in essence with your perspective, and with the issues you raise.

i've not really been convinced much further than "possibly talking over changes in apparent preference with the RO" and i don't expect to be shifted very much further, if i'm being honest. i did appreciate the previous anon being willing to weigh in, though, which may have inadvertently made me seem more enthusiastic than i meant lol.

hopefully this post will make things clearer, and i greatly appreciate your willingness to discuss the matter as well!

[unholyplumpprincess]

I don't actually think I know what your personal headcanons/imagines are for Voidstrike outside of the sprinkling in comms, so I'm wondering if this is possible. I've made headcanons previously on how these two sleep together (literal sleep, not The S*x), but how do you imagine they sleep together? How does it (or not) change from the very beginning of their relationship to further down the line? Any quirks or compromises? Bad habits or good habits? Loves? Annoyances? I hope this is enough of a prompt 😅

OH THIS IS MY BOP THIS IS MY JAM LETS GO I AM SO READY TO TALK ABOUT THE GIRLS!!!!! But also 'The S*x' made me lose it.

!!!Though this post is SFW, this blog is not, minors and ageless blogs do not follow but please feel free to reblog/like this post!!!

If you want to request stuff from me, check out my rules: HERE

Warnings: Sfw, nothing raunchy under the cut just put a cut to not take up dashboards :D, mentions of Bangalore's PTSD and Wraith's depression

_____

• How do they sleep together? How does it (or not) change from the very beginning of their relationship to down the line? In the beginning, both of them had realized individually how touch starved they were but didn't actually discuss that to each other. This made for very funny 'trying not to be clingy' moments between them. At first, they'd kinda sleep together side by side in a stiff way. Slowly ending up with Wraith being brave and resting her head on Anita's chest and an arm around her and Anita holding her close, and slowly developing day by day cautiously.

Now? Comfortable in their relationship? They switch spoons. Though, Anita more times than not ends up being the little spoon with her shorter partner clinging to her from behind with Wraith's legs thrown over her koala style. Anita likes the pressure a LOT and to feel like she's being swaddled, and Wraith sleeps with a pillow to hold every night Anita ISN'T there. And even when it's Wraith's turn to get spooned, she holds her pillow so she still has something to hold.

Anita, with utmost precision, is ALWAYS up at 6am sharp. Which makes it hard when Wraith sleeps until 12pm most days since Anita has to be VERY cautious not to disturb her from her sleep. Since most nights Wraith goes with insomnia kicking her ass and sometimes is STILL awake when Anita wakes up.

-

~Rest under the cut here~

• Quirks? Compromises? Both have found that they equally share the love of physical touch. However, Anita likes showing Wraith off in public in a way like saying 'this is my girl' so she wants to hold her hand and touch her. In Wraith's case, she HATES PDA, but she allows Anita to swing her arm around her in public or hold her hand- but NO kissing. Doesn't stop Anita from pecking her forehead/cheek when no one's looking just to see Wraith burn red.

Wraith also thrives on quality time, while Anita doesn't need so much. But, they tend to wind up doing separate things just in the same room. Anita also helps Wraith get out of bed to come work out with her on times she'd normally be gone for an hour or two and Wraith would get kinda sad. And also Anita gets to see Wraith's Very soft frame in a sports bra and shorts so that's a bonus for her personally.

Their rooms, also? Wraith tends to live in controlled chaos. Not quite a mess. But definitely some clothes are left on the floor, water bottles and cups here and there, odd hair ties lying around, etc. While Anita's room is pristine, bed made and tucked perfectly with the top blanket folded juuuust at the corner to make space for her to wiggle in, everything perfect and dusted daily. Immaculate. This makes for Anita going over to Wraith's room hilarious because she's like Man I Gotta Clean, while Wraith going over to Anita's room is like This Is Hell It's Like A Hospital Room.

-

• Bad habits? Anita tries Very hard to make Wraith turn red at any opportunity, which involves subtle ways of PDA. Tucking hair behind her ear, kissing the back of her hand, pulling her close with an arm around her waist. It's a bad habit because Wraith doesn't like PDA, but on the other hand Wraith DOES like being seen as Anita's. Mostly because she can look cockily at people whose jaws drop because...l o o k at her.

Anita is the one who plans dates. Not because Wraith can't, but because Wraith's version of a date is staying home with food and movies. While Anita likes making PLANS, like out to cafes, going for walks in parks, stargazing- she's got old fashioned date plans. But since she has higher standards for dates, this leads to her planning them.

In the arena, Wraith has the bad habit of splitting off from her team if Anita is on the other team because she wants to hunt her down. Most of the time she can be stopped if it's other legends (except for Mirage who she'll roll her eyes at and comment he'd do it too), but if it's newer people fighting for a spot to BE a legend? Then no, you're on your own.

-

• Good habits? Communication, communication, communication. Once a month they have a day planned where they sit down and have a talk about their relationship and what they can do to make the other feel more loved or if they're all good. This is where issues can arise too, if they hadn't been clarified earlier, where they can talk about faults and issues freely!

Neither puts 'more effort' in the relationship. They put equal time into each other. Though Anita prefers doing more of the Giving, Wraith never leaves her out. Equal gift giving, equal filling each other's cups in their preferred love language, etc.

They also Got each other in public places. Where things might get too loud, Wraith keeps noise canceling headphones in her bag to give Anita so she doesn't get triggered by anything like a popping balloon or high pitched sounds. In turn, Anita texts Wraith to remind her to eat, resulting in her praise when Wraith sends pictures of her meals and snacks.

-

• Loves? Anita's love languages are physical touch and acts of service. While Wraith's are physical touch and quality time. In private, they are VERY much THAT couple that's always touching or half in each other's laps. To balance both of their other loves though, that requires finesse that they've figured out together!

Anita also is slowly figuring out how to not be so 'Give give give' and letting Wraith take care of her on days she doesn't feel well and just in general. She's especially learning to love bath time with Wraith where Wraith is learning how to care for and style Anita's hair while taking such care in her body too.

Wraith is also learning to not be so 'I can do it myself' and lets Anita help her with things like cleaning up, making her food, and reaching out for help when she needs it.

-

• Annoyances? Their rooms, like mentioned before, are an annoyance on both of their parts. Anita likes pristine clean, Wraith likes a lived in space to Look lived in.

And Wraith's want for quality time can be slightly annoying for Wraith herself because she doesn't want to come across as clingy and ask Anita to come over, what is she doing, can she come see her, etc.

Anita also showers Every day. Every single day. While Wraith takes a shower every other day. This bugs Anita Greatly and Wraith pokes fun at her being a germaphobe.

Anita also lives on a strict diet because she loves maintaining her strong body. While Wraith has not limited herself. Anita LOVES cooking for Wraith and Wraith LOVES receiving it, HOWEVER when Wraith cooks Anita has to ask what's in it to maintain her strict diet. After a discussion of how that hurts Wraith's feelings though (because she's still LEARNING to cook anyway), they now have date night where Anita shows her how to cook meals she Can have and encouraging her to make them her own with new spices, side, etc!

[mighteeone-manager-lee]

You mentioned Quentin reminding you of Moon-Soo and NO-SPIN, would it be alright to ask about the other members?

"That should answer your question. I would say more, but... as you can imagine, it's a very raw subject. This is what came to my head. Maybe I'll articulate it better in the future if there's a follow-up question."

|| The mun is back!! Yes, I designed and wrote headcanons for an entire boy group in my absence, so hopefully that makes up for it. I've been, as previously stated, immensely busy with traveling and university preparation. Tack on my tackling this much bigger prompt and switching to CSP and you've got a recipe for a mini unannounced hiatus! I missed you all ♡ I still can't believe we hit 100 followers while I was away, so thank you again! || Once again, none of these are canon takes seeing as NO-SPIN hasn't been elaborated on beyond there being five members. I took full artistic liberty with these designs and the lore. That being said, other ask blogs/artists are free to reference/use/draw/write about my interpretation of NO-SPIN with CREDIT! Please tag me if you do; I’d love to see people’s takes on them! And the last panel is intended to represent the day of the fire in case it wasn't clear.

|| I've added more headcanons about each member under the cut if that interests you all! Again, I am not Korean and am new to the KPop scene, so please DM me for any cultural misrepresentations and I'll correct them quickly. I intend on representing the industry and Korea as faithfully and respectfully as possible. You're welcome to ask more about them, even OOC! I may just answer with text posts to be quick about it unless asked to Yun-jin specifically.

Updated as of September 2022

SEA — Leader | Main Vocalist | 27 upon death

★ real name = Seung-hyun | The first member of NO SPIN and the leader, the group was built around the dynamic between him and Yi-eun: his close trainee relation ★ His stage name is based on the first character of his given name: Seung. ‘Sea’ sounds like the letter ‘C’, taken from the ‘Se’ in Seung. Furthermore, 㴍 (one of the characters that can be used to indicate ‘Seung’, though not that used in his name) is used in the name of a body of water. As a bonus, he grew up on the Busan seaside. ★ Has a degree in theater: an excellent actor who guest-starred in a fairly popular K-Drama prior to Ji-woon joining NO SPIN in an attempt to help gain face for the group ★ Stood at 5’7” prior to his death ★ The so-dubbed smart/sensible member of the group. The fans weren’t incorrect to distinguish him as such— he often offered Yun-jin his counsel in the marketing of the group, well aware that they weren’t doing well ★ Made a serious attempt to connect with Ji-woon to ease Yi-eun’s concern and to serve as a good leader ★ His representative emoji was 🐬

YI-EUN— Mathyung [Eldest Member] | Main Rapper, Lead Dancer | The Visual | 28 upon Death

☆ Did not trustJi-woon. Didn’t trust him as far as he could throw him; his otherwise very positive, respectful relationship with Yun-jin was jeopardized by her adamant defense of the new member. However, he was also good at turning on the charm for the cameras and acting just as positive towards Hak as he did the others. Them having a subtle 'rivalry' became a point of endearment to the fans because "it wasn't serious". ☆ Known for his "sexy" aloofness by fans, a pretty smirk, and his ‘princely’ laugh. In actuality, he was very protective and caring towards the younger members ☆ Tallest member! Stood 5’11.5” at his prime ☆ Second member to join the group; NO SPIN was built around his relationship with the leader as the two of them were trainees together ☆ University-educated with a masters in Political Science at the time of his death ☆ Ambassador/model for multiple luxury brands ☆ His representative emoji/animal was 🐆

MOON-SOO — Maknae Line [ Second Youngest ] | Sub Rapper, Lead Dancer, Lead Vocalist | 22 upon death

☆ Perhaps the most popular member of the group before Ji-woon’s arrival, Soo was doted on often by the fans who regarded him with deep endearment. He reciprocated their sweetness and made frequent livestream appearances to appease them ☆ Well-known for his constantly unnaturally colored hair (admittedly was a bit jealous that Yun-jin matched with Ji-woon when she had rarely if ever done so with him). Once Ji-woon joined, he elected to stick to pastel and soft colors to maintain his aesthetic but not step on Hak’s toes ☆ On the topic of Ji-woon, he warmed up immediately to the newcomer and tried his absolute hardest to connect with him genuinely (fans were simply obsessed with their juxtaposing energies). He was extremely genuine with and even tailed the new inductee at appearances, seemingly attached to Hak with little reason for it. Moon-soo wanted him to feel welcome. The older members often put aside arguing with Ji-woon to satiate Moon-soo. ☆ stood at 5’9” prior to his death ☆ exceptionally talented in sports! A very proficient tennis and baseball player as well as a trained ballet and hip-hop dancer. Incredible gymnastics skill; would have been an international competitor if not for idolhood. ☆ A good person. Resting smile and desperate to keep everyone sensible and together. ☆ Also a frequent brand ambassador/model! ☆ His representative emoji/animal was 🐶

U-EON — Producer, Lead Rapper | 25 upon death

★ real name = Min-ho; his stage name is a mostly phonetic spelling of 우연 (‘uyeon’), meaning ‘chance’ or, less positively, ‘accident’. It is a reference to his sense of good fortune for being where he is after his past. It is also a reference to his love for his fans— ‘U’ refers to the audience and ‘Eon’ (a time period of a billion years) to the amount of time he said he would love them for ★ Widely perceived as ‘shy’ (which he very much is; Yun-jin had her doubts when she assumed NO SPIN), he has a powerful, shocking, and alluring stage presence. It’s like two very different people are performing or anywhere else ★ He was originally a producer for Mightee One, which is how he met Sea and Yi-eun; he was creating pre-debut tracks for them and was ultimately assimilated into the group they were building around them when they just clicked as a trio! ★ crafted an independent mixtape released by Mightee One. While fairly commercially successful, it was decided that his energy should be diverted to the group ★ a notably talented songwriter, he worked on a lot of tracks released both before and after Ji-woon’s arrival. The jokes about him being Yun-jin’s ‘co-producer’ died pretty quickly (she didn’t like them), but she will acknowledge his consistent contributions. It was difficult for him to adjust to the new sound Ji-woon brought to the group as U-EON’s best genre was ballads (second best was rap) ★ His representative animal/emoji was 🐹 

And, as a bonus, I headcanon that JI-WOON was a main dancer and lead vocalist upon joining the group. People began to debate as to whether or not he was the group's new visual member despite a formal change never being made; Hak was extremely appealing to thousands of new fans. He was immediately made NO-SPIN's center and appeared front and, well, center in the new wave of promotional material and at performances. NO SPIN was seriously lacking a main dancer (while Moon-Soo and Yi-eun were talented, they weren’t as good as other groups’ mains. All members can dance as expected by the industry, but the leads were not to par with other boy groups’ mains), so Ji-woon was also cleverly hired by Lee to compensate that. The group's color was neon pink (the hue the hangul characters in the DLC trailer/logo are written in, specifically). Thank you kindly for reading if you did this far! ✰

[mittensmorgul]

Hi, I have a question, and I hope it would be interesting for you too... Could we talk about angel's wings and feathers?..

I always thought that angel's wings were a part of their true form, a kind of energy which we can only see as a shadows or electric sparks or ash or something like this.

And I didn't think that it could be a real wings with feathers as bird's. Until, while rewatch, I've noticed that angel's feather were mentioned in SPN at least twice (maybe you've noticed more?):

1) In 8.12 when Henry Winchester time travels he uses an angel feather in spell. And then Dean tells that Henry stole an angel feather from the trunk of the Impala. So feathers are reall??? Why did the Winchestets keep the feather in the trunk of the Impala and where they get it? (ok, maybe they found it in the bunker)

2) In 12.13 Sam uses a white feather in spell returning Gavin back in time (we know this spell needs an angel feather)

So now we can see how the real angel feather looks like???

Does that mean that the angel's wings can be presented in physical world like a real wings with feathers and this is not fanfiction? I like this idea so much.

I think that the creators of the show didn't let us to see it, as many other great things, that is sad...

I would really like to know your thoughts about this.

(Sorry for my bad english, it is not my native language...)

Hi there! First off, your English is fine! (lol it’s my native language, and I just typed it “Inglish” by accident, so you’re already doing better than I am :’D)

ETA: DON’T REBLOGGY THIS YET. I forgotted something that @thayerkerbasy just reminded me of, and I’m editing this post... brb... okay NOW YOU CAN REBLOGGY!)

As far as I know, those are the only times in canon we ever see or hear mention of an angel feather, and both times it’s for the same exact spell. They reference that it’s Henry’s spell when they use it again in 12.13, but make no mention in dialogue of it being an angel feather. Yet Sam had a whole jar of fluffy little pin feathers, so the assumption is that they’d been collecting them for a while (unless those were either found in the Men of Letters’ spell ingredient stockpile when they moved into the bunker, or otherwise given to them by Cas at some point).

It’s weird, because they seem like a very limited commodity, especially after the angels fell and their wings all burned up. Even after Cas got his original grace back, his wings never seemingly recovered. When we did finally see his wing prints in 12.23, they were still... not healthy... So my thinking is that any spell that would require them will become impossible to cast when their current supply runs out. All the other angels-- at the end of the series-- were either dead or locked in Heaven with their broken wings. We never learned any of their fates. Maybe they were all rendered obsolete under the Heaven Remodel?

A little behind the scenes from the early days of SPN as a bonus, since it’s tangentially relevant:

When they were filming the very early episodes of SPN, they had a lot of choices to make about what to show us based on what their budget would allow them to portray. Think of an episode like Wendigo, 1.02. One thing I see people say often was that it was a shame we didn’t see more of the monster, but only saw like... bushes shaking, or a vague form moving through the underbrush, or a blur. They made a stylistic choice right there to keep it within budget.

The options they faced were showing us a “dude in a rubber mask” type monster and showing it more, versus one really terrifying shot of a Proper Monster™ dying in spectacular fashion. Rather than go full-on cheesemonster, they chose to leave most of it up to our imaginations, giving us glimpses or hints of the monster.

They went back and forth on this a bit over the years, attempting to show us more on occasion, but most of those times the audience reaction has been varying degrees of wtf... Think about some of the scenes where they attempted to give us more than a glimpse at the supernatural, or a blood splatter, or whatever. It didn’t always work well. Think: the wire fight from 13.23...

I mean, it took us until 11.14 to ever see an angel “flap away,” when we saw Casifer zap Dean off the exploding submarine.

For the most part, I appreciate the fact that they understood the limitations of their own budget and didn’t give angels cheap little wings just to be able to show them on camera. Over time, only being able to see them as shadows, or as char after the angel died, became part of the lore of the show.

I blame Adam Glass for writing that spell, because he probably thought it sounded cool or whatever, that it was effectively a throwaway line because no other spell they’ve ever used has required an angel feather as an ingredient, and in story it was only linked into this larger Men of Letters Legacy plot that in retrospect feels like Chuck tying up loose ends and putting previously “deactivated” plotlines back into play.

I do find it kind of interesting that both iterations of this spell (the second resurrected by Bucklemming) were both tied to Abaddon. Henry’s spell in 8.12 brought her into the story from the past, she eventually travelled to the much further distant past to bring Gavin into the present (presumably with her own power alone, no angel feather required), and then after she was killed, they used the spell to return Gavin to his own time. So in a a way, the spell was part of a closed narrative loop, never to be referred to again.

Kinda wild that we’d never heard of angel feathers being a thing for spells until we learn that Dean apparently had some just stashed in the trunk, though... :’D

As for how corporeal angel feathers are/were, they exist in the earthly plane enough to leave char marks when they burn, when an angel is killed, so they must always have had the potential to manifest physically. I can’t imagine they ever would’ve had a budget to show us anything more than what we usually saw, though. It did give them a LOT of flexibility over how exactly they presented them to us when they DID show us. And I can’t even imagine the suffering Misha would’ve endured as an actor spending all those years wearing some weird wing harness rig. It would’ve been... impractical. And the CGI the show could’ve afforded-- especially in earlier days-- would’ve been... bad...

But what they were able to show us? Was often awesome. Remember when Raphael showed off his wings in 5.03? LIGHTNING!

And when we finally did see actual corporeal-appearing wings in 8.23... it was Dramatique™

And for More CGI Is Sometimes A Bad Thing Science, please have the attempt at Michael’s “true form” from 14.01:

It’s kinda a super-letdown after AU!Michael’s previous shadow wing displays from 13.01, but more specifically from 13.22:

those... were... badass... 

Even the pre-wire-fight wing shadows on Dean were badass:

But if they’d tried to show us more of them, to make them move through action scenes for example, it would’ve been... bad...

So what we’re left with is the knowledge that there is some sort of corporeal element to wings that we simply can’t see most of the time, but clearly angels have the ability to show or hide them at will, even from other angels. Could it be an act of will on the part of the angel that manifests a bit of their grace in the form of a physical feather? Honestly, that’s the theory I’ve personally adopted toward canon. In fanfic, I’ve read tons of various headcanons about what angel wings are and how they function-- everything from “a manifestation of their true form” to “angels share a lot of traits with birds” to “an extension of their grace,” and everything in between.

I personally, in canon, like to think of it as akin to how they’ve used angel grace for other spells. I mean, when we recall that angels haven’t been on Earth much for the last few thousand years (aside from at least a couple of known incidents where angels interfered with humanity, like Ishim and Company in 12.10, for example, and the presumptive extension that the Men of Letters knew of the existence of angels and likely summoned one up a time or two the same way Lily Sunder had, giving one explanation for how Henry Winchester knew of this spell and had an angel feather to use for it, but also recontextualized when Lily Sunder taught us that humans can use their own souls to power spells in the same way angels used their grace... which sort of makes the notion of needing an angel feather AND his own soul to charge that particular spell in 8.12 a bit redundant unless Lily’s knowledge of angelic magic was more advanced than Henry’s... hrmpf.... so much tangent... back to the point)...

We did eventually learn of other spells that required an angel’s actual grace, not concentrated in the form of a feather. The Angel Fall Spell in 8.23 being the prime example. Metatron took ALL of Cas’s grace for that one, even if he didn’t use all of it for the spell and left a “fragment” (Metatron described it as “not a lot, but enough.”). 

ETA: HECK. I have 9.03 on the tv right now and it’s distractedly made me disgusted enough to have forgotten something that Thayer just reminded me of: Lucifer’s “fossilized feather” in 12.07. It held enough grace to restore and heal him after Rowena’s spell in 12.03 had degraded him. Which really only adds to the theory that “feathers” are simply bits of grace that have been rendered solid somehow, but that can be transformed back into grace as needed.

And then there was the Rift Spell for travelling to alternate universes that required archangel grace, as well as the time travel/ward breaking spell that Sam found in 11.14 that ALSO required archangel grace specifically. Would these spells have worked with an archangel “feather?” Possibly, if material feathers are somehow just crystalized bits of grace, but since we never got a full explanation in canon, and never even really saw corporeal feathery wings that dropped feathers or could be plucked, and never even had mention of corporeal feathers outside of their use in this single spell, it’s really up to our own interpretation. And I kind of like it that way, because that way we get to have fun little discussions like this one. :D

I know this isn’t a definitive answer, but it’s how it all makes sense to me, in the hand-wavey sort of way that all of canon works. :’D

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Happy new year everyone 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I know 2020 has been hard for everyone.

And I want everyone to know, suffering isn't a contest and we all suffer in different ways. But I feel I should give my year in Review. Just some things that happened to me personally.

This was an intense, and long and spiritual and emotional journey for me...

I really discovered what it meant to have community, family and what my life means to me.

But I feel I need to get this in writing cause I can remember the year with vivid detail and I will probably forget if I don't get it down.

Do I have to share this publically online to my tumblr account for a bunch of strangers to see? not really.

Do I want to?

Yes. I think so. Just from how so many people on tumblr and real life have touched me.

This is kinda long and no one needs to read this.

(idk how to do a readmore on mobile. But this is where I would add it later. No one needs to read if they don't want to.)

January/February: (and some background on the last five years of my life cause.....well. it's important.)

As people knew, I got way into Invader Zim last summer. I spent most of my waking life working a dead end job at a grocery store. I lived a sad lonely life, going straight home to a single dark studio apartment. With not many material possessions outside of games, my laptop and my tablet to my name. Half of my material loves, such as home furnishings and books were still in boxes from when I moved in. In case I ever had to move again, or get some "big screenshot or copywriter" job in the city.

....

I lived in that city in the same dead end job and apartment for five years.

No friends. No social life. I often refused to make doctor appointments or attempt to establish myself in that city. I didn't even talk to anyone in my workplace.

Work. Go online. Go to sleep.

I lived like that for five years.

I thought it was good.

Even my therapist thought I was doing well.

When I really wasn't. My main character flaw I struggle with is motivation.

I can talk to someone about very detailed plans I have to fix a problem... But I tend to never follow through.

Just because I can describe in detail how to fix my personal problems, it doesn't mean I will do it.

(I have gotten better at this but it's a major struggle)

I might have been a Zombie during the day...

But by night I was pouring my soul into my AU and my analysis.

After being so thoughly ignored or overlooked by the Naruto fandom and the Undertale fandom, I felt like I had finally found my home and was settling into a community there.

I just loved that people loved what I had to say.

Especially my AU.

It's no secret that a lot of themes in my au revolve around found family, grief, and loss.......

Fatherhood, in particular.

What it means to be a father, how much do you need to try when you mess up, how willing should a child forgive their parent, especially those that have wronged you and how much of it is factually accurate and simply a self projection of what children want their parents to be and visa versa... What amount of forgiveness and change is nessasary...is it needed?

....

It's no secret that a lot of my AU is a giant coping mechanism for my Dad's death. Espessially the falling out and growing closer with a lot of my family members throughout the years following his death. (Most of the time I keep it ambiguous to how it relates to my personal life unless I include a readmore that states so outright. I feel my au can be enjoyed by a variety of people in the fandom who don't need to know me as a person or my life story.)

My Dad passed away in 2016 in February and my family still feels the aftershocks to this day.

It's part of the reason I moved to the city, alienated myself from my family and people that loved me and refused to experience life for five years.

My entire world was Zim, and I was okay.

March: When America finally realized and started to feel the effects of the pandemic....

A lot of people got scared.

Me included.

I didn't have any streaming services or access to the news. So I only heard accounts from my mom.

I didn't understand why the store was so dead quiet and empty for a few days, then it went into mass chaos and panic in the span of two days.

It felt like Retail black friday in the worst way. Everyone was packed like sardines. Everyone was yelling. The lines at the registers bled into the clothing department.

I was witness to customers shoving others for toilet paper, being rude to cashier's and just overall unpleasantness.

At the time, I didn't even fully grasp what the pandemic was, and I feel a lot of people at the time didn't either.

I ended up absentmindedly scratching my eyebrow in front of a customer and she screamed and villanised me for it. That they didn't want groceries touched by my "unclean hands"

I ended up breaking down into tears.

The customer behind me gave me a hug and told me I was doing a great job.

But the damage was done. It was the final straw, I couldn't stop crying and I was breaking apart.

Thankfully my Boss (the one who likes me) pulled me aside and asked what's wrong.

It was then that I quit. No notice. Same day. I had to get out of there.

I was planning to move to an apartment with my sister in the summer, but my Mom offered for me to move back in with her temperarily just so I can get out of the city and away from the pandemic.

So I did.

I got scared, broke my lease a month early and quit my job of five years that gave me nothing back.

He told me, "take care of yourself and your family, I won't keep you here, do what you need to do."

So I did.

April-June:

A very eventful few months.

My mom offered for me to live at her place, but for some reason she was acting like I would live there forever. That this wasn't a temporary arrangement, and that I didn't have an apartment set up already.

This was in large part to my sister, who had lived with my mom taking advantage of her for years.

Even though my sister and I were going to move in together, I was just never sure about it cause of how she never packed her stuff or made any effort to find a job.

My mom often acted like I was lazy and not searching and was treating me like... Well, an unruly teenager instead of a woman of 29 years. She acted like I was a failure for returning home when it was her idea in the first place.

I would have just been petrified in the city.

Like usual, I retreated to my au again.... And in the spring, something eventful happened.

In may, 8th 2020:

I was invited by @rissynicole to join an invader zim discord.

Now, I've never really used discord before. I always thought it's interface is too confusing.. and I'm a member of a few other iz discords and I usually don't follow them that closely.

Rissy assured me it was different cause some friends of thiers made it and it was smaller.

Before I knew it, I was sharing memes and getting to know everyone there.

It wasn't long after I invited my partner in IZ crimes, @paketdimensioncomic who was genuinely wary of iz servers due to a bad experience with the last one they were a part of.

But soon they were sharing memes and laughing with everyone else.

My eyes were starting to open and I was able to connect to fans of my work in an interpersonal way. And I was able to discover new artists and aus I never knew about.

I was also able to meet so many others of the community and invite them to the server myself.

The moo-ping 10 server kept me sane while I was living with my judgmental mother.

Not only that, the summer was very productive for my au.

Drawing was all I did, and it was a huge break from the job as a cashier I had.

Not only that, June came, and with it, me and Ceph's first collab fic:

A result of us just going back and forth in our DMs constantly about Professor Membrane and how he changed in ETF for the better and how much we adamantly stan "trying-to-be-a-good-dad-brane" and how much of his ETF development has to be implied off screen in order for the emotional resolution in the movie to matter.

The only reason I never professed my love for Membrane as a character in the fandom before the fic dropped was.... Well....

Membrane can be a decisive character in the fandom and I was so worried people would hate me if I did an analysis on him, simply because he's not the best parent in the world. (As an understatement)

Ceph and I really encouraged each other to scream our love for the science himbo loud and proud more frequently and so often.... I actually start to see less Membrane hate posts and breakdowns then their used to be.... I like to think it's a combination of Me and Ceph's influence, along with ETF and the Quarterly's painting Membrane in a slightly more nuanced light then he was previously.

I never wrote a collab fic before and it's such a rewarding and fun and unique experience that I don't think I'll ever have again. And I love working with Ceph on our fics so much.

So much so we did it again...

July-August:

I never thought I would be one of those people who writes NSFW IZ fic... But here I am.

The Brainbrane au started.... An au of my au where Membrane and the Computer fall in love and Membrane makes him a body.

This ship was based around the idea where we joked that Membrane and Zim's Computer would have funny interactions if they ever met, under the pretense Membrane thinks Computer is Zim's parent.

Our headcanons morphed and shifted until we just full blown started shipping them.

Just because Membrane and Zim's Computer have overall REALLY entertaining chemistry.

It's a character dynamic never seen in the show or comics (yet) and I imagine thier interactions to be nothing but entertaining banter.

The fic was also born from spite... Making fun of the troupes and cliches that we found personally destestible in some questionable zadr fics.

So an angry ace and a demi-bisexual collab on a porn and end up blessing the fandom with

Compapa headcanons,

Computer being recognized as a more common used fanon character,

The ship of Brainbrane.

The fandom having a crisis of "oh God, not only are we xenophiles we're technophiles too!!!" Or "why you gotta give Zim's Computer an ass"

More android Computer designs

It was an eventful summer.

In the midst of all this, I moved into my new place, got a new job, and I was able to see my friend (who is def my platonic straight soul mate) who lives in Indiana.

She came to visit, showed me how to decorate and how to take care of my body better! Things were looking up! It was great.

September-November:

My job was at a boat store. If was approaching the fall and my hours were being severely cut.

I was getting into a rut of depression again.

I thought things were changing but the same routine I was trying to escape from was the same thing coming back.

But instead of letting it take hold, I decided I was going to do something about it... I was gonna visit a museum and go with my sister. Just... variety stimulation.

Well that didn't happen.

I talked about this shortly in my au itself...but..

My sister had a complete mental breakdown.

She stopped taking her meds, went off the deep end and was in the hospital a total of five times throughout November.

A lot of it was acting out and the perfect storm of environmental factors that made her scream and act out so she would keep going back to the hospital.

It was traumatizing for me.

I just can't explain what it's like. For her and for me to be in that position.

I'm not telling the full story and a lot of bullshit things happened I won't share here.

She got diagnosed with bipolar one and my mom expected me to be a caretaker for her.

I threatened to disown my family and move away out of state.

It was just too much for me to handle.

So much I was a nervous wreck.

I tried to pick up a second job... Cause my sister was in the mental ward so frequently and couldn't pay the bills.

But I was fired within a week cause I was so stressed I couldn't retain the basic information they were training me for.

It was an office job.

My dream.

It could have been.

I was fired from something I really wanted.

I was only there for three days.

I could not retain any information.

I was a mess.

My sister was a trigger, my mom wanted me to live with her. I couldn't live like this.... I had to get out.

I had to get out.

December:

Remember my Indiana friend?

Well the first week of December is my birthday.

My 30th to be exact.

While I did pick up a seasonal position at Target (not my first pick)

I took the first week of December off so I could spend time with her. Cause she agreed, I needed a break from this crap.

Surviving 30 years is cause to celebrate and if I had to celebrate with my sister I would have cried.

I know there was a risk traveling out of state during a pandemic...

But I needed out, I needed a friend..

And I kinda wanted to look at the place since I was considering moving there.

My friend's mom was sick so she avoided me and her daughter and got us a hotel room.

It was fun! I got to swim in a salt water pool, we talked about Naruto, I showed her the iz and su art books I brought, also Computer and Membrane tea.

I also got to meet her other friends and get crunk. And her bf who is super nice and funny!

I had a super fun birthday....

Until her mom told my friend that her grandparents had covid and that was what she had. And my friend got sick within that same day.... As did I.

I owe so much to her family.

I was an entire state away...about a ten hour drive from home.... She let me stay at her house. "The covid house" we called it.

Cause everyone (except the father. He avoided everyone and booked a hotel immediately cus he was an ER doctor) had covid within a day.

I called in, the test results were positive and I had to stay with her family for ten days quarantine before I could work again.

Which would have been fine....

If my tumblr didn't log me out perminately of my old account. @dana-chan325 .... Which really sucked cause I had a constant headache and was too sick to engage with tumblr or much of the fandom. I didn't want to make a new account when my head was in a bad fog and I could barely breathe or smell.

It's not like I saw much of my friend either.... We all slept at different hours and she had more symptoms then I did.

It was just netflix, danganronpa v3 and cry.

I was miserable, but at the same time.... Not?

I really feel like God himself was the one who pulled me off from tumblr, and my living situation.

Maybe a whole extra week feeling like a bobblehead was what I needed.

It gave me some much needed clarity on my relationships with my mom and sis and friend.

Running away to Indiana was not the solution here.

Once I was better within ten days and no longer had a leave of absence, I drove home.

I am glad I fully recovered (but from how I understand it, my dear friend is still ill. I'm praying for her)

I might have gone to work a bit too soon, cause I had an asthma attack after trying to unload a single cart in the span of six hours.

My boss lectured that my speed was unacceptable, and even though I explained the covid situation and breathing problems many times, she threatened that I'd be fired if I'm that slow again.

Que the next few days of work where they put me on register.

Instantly I was sent into a panic remembering the last time I was on the register and how that panic attack caused me to quit.

I even asked if I could go back to stocking, since my breathing had improved. My boss assured me that I was put on the register cause they needed help and nothing to do with my covid thing.

Then as December concluded and the new year began, my boss said that this was the last shift for me cause my position was seasonal and they were letting a lot of people go.

I then asked why I was on the schedule for Sunday, and he told me to ignore it and I'm free to reapply for full-time.

I mean.... They can act smart about it...

But putting your general merchandise stocker onto register after she had an asthma attack and missed working the first two weeks of December due to covid.....

Not a good look.

So once again, I'm jobless once more.

Will probably continue to live with my sister for awhile.

But I do not feel as if it's a bad thing....

I met so many good people this year....

My friend's family even gave me 500 usd to cover my rent since I couldn't work for a majority of December.

I've seen evil and good from humanity this year. I've seen acts of god, good friends and what my real family means to me as well as friends I consider family.

This year really made me look back at the person in the mirror and say,

"I deserve better."

And actually worked for it this time.

Oh and after Christmas I got a horrible yeast infection that burns over most of my body currently.

Very accurate doodle to the pain I'm in right now.

(seriously my body is a fungus.)

But hey, good news, I respected myself enough to go to the doctor about it!!

So that's progress.

I really hope 2021 holds good things for me.

Thank you to the mooping 10 server for always being there and keeping me sane,

Thank you tumblr for liking my au and everything.

AND A SUPER SPECIAL THANK YOU TO @evartandadam and her family for housing me and my dumb diseased ass. Everyone, she is an angel and I can't express how much she means to me. Please check out her art and buy her stuff on redbubble.

Anyways... Byebye 2020.

I look forward to what I can accomplish for myself this year.

[leighways]

Y’know, I debated not answering you bc what you sent sounds like the typa shit that attracts unwanted discourse. So if that was your intent (and I mean this with all sincerity): go fuck yourself.

I’m not sure where you got the idea that I’m "still devoted to" C3, esp since the last piece of art I made for that ship was pre-KTGG -- nearly a year ago. That was also the last time, until recently, that I spoke about C3 at all. So ???

I will admit I didn’t answer that ask very thoughtfully when I originally responded -- mostly bc I assumed by now ppl understood my stance on this issue -- so I went back and edited for clarification. However, if you’d read my about page instead of jumping to conclusions, you’d know where I stood.

But since that clearly didn’t happen, I’ll spell it out for you: I used to ship C3. As of right now, I don’t. However, during the time in which I did, I was in the process of building an extensive backstory AU that I am still very much attached to and enjoy creating content for. It was designed specifically to establish Copia as an outsider -- not a member of the Emeritus family -- which has been my view of him since since day fucking one (x).

One scroll through my blog will show you none of this is new. Copia's underdog status plays a vital role in how I draw, write and headcanon him, as well my general attachment to his character. Sure, you can sit there and claim I dreamt all this up for the purpose of shipping, but you'd also be lying out of both sides of your mouth. If my development of this AU was nothing more than ""justification"" for C3, my blog wouldn't be littered with loads of art and comics focused on the rest of the family and their respective dynamics. (x) (x) (x) Not to mention the countless memes and shitposts that have goddamned nothing to do with any of this.

Anyway, for me, an AU only works if you can establish a very clear departure from what's been described in canon. KTGG presented several plot holes I had never previously considered, and these muddied waters made me unsure of how to continue world building. I don't want to publish anything until there are no surprises left, so until we get more official information regarding this lore, I have temporarily pulled the breaks on this project.

Still, none of this is reason to completely dismantle something I've been working on since 2018. Nor does it suddenly make the material itself "problematic". I should be able to keep my AU (C3 storyline or not) without ppl like you accusing me of being some incest-obessed fujoshi simply bc I chose to view the source material in a way you don't personally like.

From last summer forward, every time I’ve been asked about the topic of my AU, the answer never contained any mention of C3 (x) (x) (x) bc I don't currently ship C3. If by "devoted to" you meant "it's on the back burner and also the stove isn't on" then sure, I'm super devoted.

But even if this weren't the case -- even if the amount of currently unanswered questions didn't bother me and I plowed ahead with my story no holes barred, what exactly would my crime be? Why would an AU created to explore the non-canon backstories of Copia (a Catholic orphan) and Papa 1 (his unrelated mentor) suddenly become problematic just bc once in a blue moon a scene appears in which Copia has a boyfriend? Considering all content I've made for C3 sees them as completely unrelated and has also been 100% SFW, what line have I crossed? I know my lane. I'm not mlm (I'm not wlw either, which is what you're trying to peg me as) so I would never create explicit content for a community to which I don't belong. But if you think LGBT+ folks can only make material tailored to their specific identities in order to not be fetishy, then I've got some fuckin news for you and you're not gonna like it.

Anyhoo, I don’t believe for one second that you’re this casual by-standing "outsider" -- not least bc you knew exactly where to find the post where I first addressed the plot twist possibility, but lmfao whatever you say bubs. I also love that you’re on the "outside" while simultaneously in the know about what the fandom collective has decided re: What If Copia Is An Emeritus. You need to get your story straight.

Damn near everyone in this fandom has created some sort of AU -- whether that be a world where they self-ship, a universe in which none of the Papas died, or, I dunno, one full of dragons and dinosaurs :-) The fact that you're specifically honing in on my AU with insane and disgusting out-of-left-field accusations tells me everything I need to know about both you and your motives, so listen very closely: there is nothing wrong with creating an AU that diverts from canon. Despite what you think, viewing Copia as unrelated to the Emeritus family is pretty goddamned normal around here. And considering Tobias obviously wanted us to think of him this way (and let us do so for over a year and a half) it's easy to see why so many ppl prefer that concept to the story we'll probably get.

You are not the boss of me. You are not the judge of my character. You have no authority over me, and you need to stop talking as if you do. Your tone is condescending and sexist -- which is odd, considering you're not speaking to a woman. I'm definitely not a fujoshi, but you quite possibly might be a transphobe. Or is truscum a more accurate way to describe you? :-) Anyways, thanks for that. Getting misgendered in our own inbox? We love to see it.

This is the last time I’ll be addressing this topic. If you have any further questions feel free to call my personal hotline @ 1-800-EAT-MY-ASS.