#therpay????

[arloconroy]

Hello, this will be long. I'm kinda looking for advice/ Am I just crazy and attention seeking or is it possibly Bpd(borderline personality disorder).

I keep feeling bad talking to my boyfriend about it/ it's not like he can really help, so I'm just gonna yeet it here and see what happens (probably a bad idea but oh well).

Warning this is very fucking long

Trigger warnings (selfharm, ED, depression, suicide, mental disorders... Venting/ have all my thoughts I've had enough of talking to my empty bedroom)

Okay so I'm pretty sure I have borderline personality disorder or something similar. I am actively dealing with self harm and suicidal thoughts (also thoughts of hurting people too) these are practically constant thoughts and tend to come as images flashing in my vision or just feel like everything is screaming in my brain/ very angry static until I hurt myself.

I also feel numb constantly and feel like I'm fucking floating a lot, I usually hurt myself to bring myself back to reality (the pain helps and I can control it, which is nice. Sidenote: I haven't cut for like 20 days I think so yippee, I doubt this will last but oh well)

Even if I'm doing something I like or with people I like and genuinely feel happy/ okay then I still get urges to hurt myself. I usual feel worse if I have a good day, if I'm having a good day then I know the night will feel horrible since being alone with my brain is such a stark difference from the happiness around my friends/ whilst doing something I enjoy.

I barely have energy for anything anymore and tend to avoid eating/ feel sick whilst eating(possibly anxiety about other stuff, possibly an ED I don't fucking know)

The only break I get from my thoughts and urges is when I'm distracting myself which fucks with my sleeping as I need to do something to make the thoughts shut up, sometimes that doesn't even work. Sometimes I just give up and look at sad/ depressing shit( sometimes I give in to the urges when I do this, sometimes I don't. Depends on... I don't fucking know what, I barely have control)

I feel fucking crazy as there's nothing really bad, trauma wise, that would make me this constantly suicidal and depressed but then I know slightly traumatic stuff happened but that was mostly being left alone a lot/ ignored/ holy crap I am very autistic+anxious+a people pleaser. This mixture of things made me get in trouble a lot, for reasons I didn't realize was bad and then get very scared/ have panic attacks when I was younger and now( college doesn't help with anxiety and mental health, I've always hated school greatly. Love learning and finding out stuff but now I can barely get out of bed and don't even care anymore, I just can't make myself care. I think my brain still thinks I should of died August 2023 so I'm just waiting for when I die, I barely think I'm gonna make another year or two. Anyway, slight tangent there)

So the autism and shit, basically I'm always paranoid I do the wrong things. This reminds me.

Bpd triggers, how dare they all be things I've had panic attacks about before (I'm probably the quiet type- idk if that's the right name for it, I've just seen it somewhere before. The type that doesn't lash out at others but just blames themselves and hurts themselves/ takes their anger out on themselves) like if people suddenly stop replying/ reading messaging mid conversation then I panic and I send like 20 apology messages. I tend to send like 5 to 10 messages at a time, mostly to calm my own anxiety. At least one of them is probably an apology.

My anger is really scary sometimes, I can go from being fine to extreme anger (like I go silent and feel like trying to rip my own face off/ picture ripping my own eye out-ive actually pictured that a couple times, my brain is annoyingly vivid- like I get so angry so quickly and really violent sometimes. It's genuinely scary, I can look at someone and genuinely picture exactly how I'd hurt them. It's scary and I can usually control it via scratching myself or hitting myself/ hurting myself in some way) my anger is usually from being criticized/ being bad at something or sensory overstimulation(autism maybe idk, I have a lot of shit going on in my brain. Most of it is bad and overwhelming and makes me want to punch people or myself) (I don't play boardgames/ video games where I can lose for a reason. I literally bent my phone in anger before, it still worked for a long time after even though I could see the light from behind the screen in the corners where the screen was lifting up, since I bent the body of the phone slightly) I can try to control it but it's so fast/ instinctual when I do try to hurt myself out of anger that it's really hard to just not.

Everything feels out of control, like I'm just watching myself trainwreck again and again. I'm just watching myself selfdestruct and feeling so guilty and powerless. It drives me insane, I know I shouldn't think or do what I'm about to do but I just can't make myself stop. I can't tell if I just need to try harder or it's genuinely out of my control, I can't handle doing daily staying alive tasks and keeping my brain under control. It's so draining and I've been doing it for 2 years now and I really just want to be okay already. I want it to go away, I want to be a little kid again, I want to be an oblivious again. A little messed up but oblivious to how bad it really is, oblivious to the constant pain and just how bad/ dark those thoughts are. I hate this so much and I don't know how to get help. I don't want therapy (it seems pointless/ I don't know if it would help and I tend to go mute around people and get scared when talking about what I would need to talk about+ in my head everyone is yelling or screaming at me or about to attack me for any reason ever/ I always think I'm about to be in trouble and can see people suddenly snapping and attacking me in my head even though I can obviously see them just existing and not caring about my existence-trauma probably idk, I don't think I ever got hit/yelled at that badly when I was younger. I'm contemplating just admitting myself to a mental hospital out of fucking desperation/ I can't afford therapy, I don't know if I need to pay for a mental hospital. I really hope I don't need to, I don't think I can handle this alone/ without constant support of some kind and I don't have money for that kind of thing)

I'm pretty sure I'd need some amount of medications to make things bearable and help, I just want to be assessed for mental disorders so I have a clear reason, then I'd feel less fucking crazy/ like I'm just faking or after attention because maybe I am but then I'd feel even more like a piece of trash for doing this to myself.

It feels like I did this to myself but that can't be what this is, everything seems like it's my fault and it probably is but I just can't tell and it's driving me fucking insane.

Anyway, idk if I had other stuff to mention but my face is weirdly emotionless rn and every part of me feels heavy so I'm just gonna listen to caddy sleeps and try to get some sleep.

Edit: Suddenly remembered something it does tend to be in phases. Throughout a day, I know what times I'll usually be at my worst ( late at night/ afternoon) this might just be from being alone at those times but idk. Anyway, gonna actually try sleeping now (I just realized my music has been turned off for like 30mins)

To anyone reading this:

Firstly, thanks for reading this and I'm pretty sure I won't actually off myself or anyone else (my thoughts are just scary and vivid but I am a fucking wimp so most likely won't actually do anything that bad apart from sh)

Secondly, sorry this is so fucking long. I just really needed to put all my thoughts in one place and so obviously decided that Tumblr was the best place (I make bad decisions but it's nearly 2am so I don't fucking care)

Thirdly, I really hope you're having a good night/day and if you're not, have a cat:

(⁠^⁠.⁠_⁠.⁠^⁠)⁠ﾉ

[lovelydrusilla]

me @ bridgerton because i cannot stop thinking about penelope and colin

[amethysttribble]

I am not immune to a good ‘Feanor Needs Therapy’ joke myself, but when I stop to think about it, I’m compelled to believe that, actually, Feanor was in therapy from the moment he could talk and it made him worse

[national-hockey-gay]

I GOT THE JOB. OH MY FUCKING GOD I GOT THE JOB

[chasefaux]

get jinxed! \⁠(⁠ϋ⁠)⁠/⁠♩

~ 4h 15minutes

[screamingskelton]

If I had a penny for every time I played a game that had a character called Dutch in it, the good ending not being that good for the mc and it making me cry I would have 2 pennys which isn't a lot buts it's weird it's happen twice

[oautincorrectquotes]

Archie: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Emma: Thank you

Archie: I didn't say that was a good thing

Emma: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

[lapdogchase]

self portrait of me trying to convince myself to go to therapy. not featured : every muscle in my body being incredibly tense, my completely dead-eyed but still frightened stare, my puter (playing tswift)

[oliveish]

I got tummy aches and trying to decide whether I simply skip out tomorrow or force myself to go.

[suncem-okupana]

Sounds of nature to soothe the soul

My first asmr nature video. Do you like this format?

[gay-for-thirteen]

Can we make "im having a 14 era" slang for "i'm resting, healing, recovereing and spending time eith the people i care about"

[theserenityinviolence]

i finally plucked the courage to finish How I Met Your Mother i wanna kill everything now is this normal DIE

[scarefox]

Every time I try to get my sleep rhythm in a direction that I am awake and ready to get up earlier again very soon, the exact opposite happens. I am dead tired, don't wanna and then sleep even longer than before.... my siblings in hell I have to get up at 6am the next months, starting tomorrow. When did I get up today??? 11am... before I at least managed to push it down to 9am but today I woke up half dead and my subconscious powered morning brain was like "nah whatever".

Pretty sure it's also a depression + anxiety thing, since I have 2 small appointments today.

[hauntedwoman]

our vibes are the same actually

[littlegondolinmonster]

This shit still makes me laught. I can make 10000 jokes about it

[transenbyconfessions]

To anyone transitioning: no one's experience with hormones or surgery is necessarily universal. Don't stress out over someone's well-intentioned warning to everyone based on something that was personal to them!

Submitted March 22, 2023