#theres really no point to this post except to get my thoughts out somewhere bc i really dont understand it

[nowoyas]

I just don't understand the urge to be mean, man. There's a couple of homeless people that live in the woods behind my work. They don't cause trouble, they aren't panhandling or anything, they just sit back there. I think they stay there because there's some work being done nearby and they have access to a port-a-potty so they can use the restroom without being hassled.

A customer asked about them yesterday. I was personally immediately a little defensive—I said I don't know who she's talking about, etc. because I expected her to complain, ask if we were trying to get rid of them, etc. but a coworker said yeah, they live back there and the police come back all the time to tall to them.

While we were making the customer's order, one of them came in, politely bought a Gatorade, paid in cash. (I tried to just let them take it, but my coworkers were right there and they've complained about them in the past so I had a weird feeling I'd end up being punished if I did, and if I lose this job I won't be far behind them.) The woman threw two more subs onto her order, bought them to take out to them. I quietly engineered the order a little to knock a couple bucks off—rang two small subs up as one cheaper, larger one, threw on a discount I didn't need a manager code for and could later argue she did actually get if for some reason it came back to me. Slid a 3 pack of cookies into the bag for free because I know it's generally preferred to just give homeless people money so they can get food they trust and enjoy, but at least the cookies are sealed so they had something nice that they could trust hadn't been messed with.

Why did, the second that woman left to give them the food, my coworkers immediately start going off about how she was so much nicer than them and they would NEVER give a homeless person ANYTHING. They talked about it for like, half an hour. My coworker and I watched her give the food to them—me because part of me didn't trust that the woman was actually giving them the bag after I discounted her order for her and threw in free stuff, and apparently my coworker to glare at the entire exchange before he went on a tirade about it.

I just... don't get it. I don't understand why I'm supposed to have been mad about this exchange, about this random woman doing nice things for two random people who are just trying to live. Especially after we just had a massive storm, where everything's fucked up, there's lots of standing water so the mosquitos are massive, and, you know, these people just had to be outside for all of it and cold and soaked through whatever clothes they have. They were probably in this location because it's close to a lot of things, and now they can't get to most of it because the storm knocked out several of our bridges and they have to be repaired. Why can we not approach that with compassion?

[ghoooooooooooooooost]

i only shared it w a friend before but can i tell you all my death mark 2 au/rewrite... here (spoilers obvi, also body horror + insects warning)

(edited so theres more details smile)

most things r the same except for the departed (and no naked girl cgs OFCOURSE)

making it so that the departed pretends to be daimon instead of the two high school girls

normal daimon is around but he’ll gradually get sick n every now n then something weeeeird happens (as in yashiki accidentally talks to fake daimon. also maybe you see the weird bug ghost that hovers above everyone near endgame with him first)

crowbar scene happens w fake daimon while real daimon is actually passed out somewhere. mashita comforts yashiki n then they both realize its a fake

(that's what these doodles were referencing)

my dearest friend chip suggested the departed could also be konoe so n that would make sense n make him more present in the plot so byeah

we both agreed that they didn't push the bug + mold horror theme far enough so i tried my hand at it. mold can be really gross irl ewwww

my design for departed daimon is actually toned down from the og tho, just bc i thought the weird spider face was more goofy than scary. personally bugs are scary to me when they're crawling on you n burrowing into your skin n making holes n laying eggs in there - like the bees in death mark 1. there was some real-stories tv show abt that specific thing happening that aired when i was a kid n it freaked me out a lot

why was hime's mold just ourple swirls boooriiiiiiiiiiiing

/

edit july 15th 2024 adding this into the main og post since wonderful chippard linked it (basically a neater rewrite of everything i just said + what i said in the reblog addition. i rewrote it for a solo zine hence the proper capitalization lol)

Instead of Himeko and Michiho being The Departed, it’s Daimon and Konoe. Normal Daimon is still there but every now and then he’ll start acting strange or feeling sick due to The Departed’s possession. The “love” aspect would be shown through Daimon specifically too so Doctor Duo ship is canon in this. Konoe basically uses Daimon to try to get to his Dear Husband. In place of going into a coma like in the original, his behavior intensifies and condition worsens until he suddenly runs to the bathroom. When he comes back… dun dun dun… that’s The Departed – Yashiki doesn’t know…! Crowbar scene ensues. But!? After Yashiki tells Mashita, they see Daimon perfectly alive in the infirmary. Yasuoka found him collapsed in the hallway at some point.

The plot would play out basically the same with some changes (no fanservice girl cgs; more Konoe screen-time; Michiho + Himeko act differently; Saki or Abe partner? more school-related ghosts...).

Maybe the game could be longer to give the new characters more time to shine while not removing the returning ones. Not sure how that would work exactly… One possible solution would be to have day segments where we get to play as Yashiki while he's actively teaching (which would also address the "why'd they even pick a school setting" problem bc damn they barely did any school specific plot shit outside of Hanako & Kashima). Would be awesome and in-line with how the first game brought up war if they kept addressing problems with the education system. Also I think I wouldn’t have any unavoidable human casualties after Hanako’s chapter? All the unavoidable deaths made my friends confused about if they were doing something wrong or not and it honestly felt off to me too. It would be compelling if after failing to protect the first student(s), Yashiki actually successfully protects the rest of them in the good route. Making him feel like he’s become more steadfast after the first game and staying true to his word. Especially if Naomi survives in my opinion - ‘she almost dies but is spared if you make the right choices’ or something like that. She could even be in the room when Yashiki sings the school song.

Not sure how I'd make The Departed feel even more connected to the school... Maybe there's a romantic superstition popular among the students that's based off their "wedding ceremony" -- but it's innocent enough to not give away how they died.

[abcdosaka]

i feel like this was kinda a long time coming but it definitely feels weird to write it down.

having a weird time trying to, i guess, 'solve' my sex life and kinda by extension love life and reconcile it with having an actual relationship with my family. the hilarious part is the thing that brought this on was me shopping for toys lmao. this post is like half sex half depression.

like i was browsing dildos bc i wanna try to experience penetration for once without clenching up like a vise grip like i wanna try to learn to enjoy it bc ngl im getting a bit of fomo of all the other girlies out there. and also ive never really had the opportunity to kinda explore different things sexually like maybe i was just afraid but now that im basically financially independent its like i want to try. the same way i tried last year but this time i dont feel like there's other people or things holding me back. except there kinda is

anyway the entire time i was thinking like wait isnt this kinda like analogous to a man's penis? yeah no shit but its the realistic ones specifically that get me. i'm like wait i really do not like that. it really shoves in your face that like this is a MALE sex organ (which ya ik gender and sex is not real but for all intents and purposes in this case, it’s male). and its weird its like my brain kinda gets that im a lesbian but there's a disconnect with my body somewhere. like ok i know there's a huge thing about this and its like stepping on a minefield but just for me personally. i never thought i had a strong genital preference specifically like i always thought well, i like boobs and i like pussy and if i'm like watching porn or whatever and a dick pops up im like cool fine that is an object thats not a human. sorry to anyone i dehumanized just now. but its not like i HATE dick i think its alright sometimes even great but is it something i want inside me? idk. not really. especially not face to face with a man its just disturbing idk.

but point is im still kinda mentally in denial somewhere like my brain thinks theres some deep trauma or problem or bias against men that needs to be solved so that i can like men. but ive never been through a trauma like that. and obviously im well aware i am a little sexist like i dont vibe well with men. is that why? like i don't like the idea of having to have a relationship with a man bc i need to feel superior somehow? or maybe not superior but just not inferior. like its just more equal between women. yeah i think thats maybe it. but i feel like thats not just it. i also feel like theres some biologic instinct that turns me off to them. or maybe its nature vs nurture and ive nurtured myself so hard that im like well i can't like men now. the weird part about that is that i'd think it should be the other way around. like how straight incels will be like god i wish i was gay but i can't help being attracted to women. its a question ive been trying to solve for a decade and maybe i already know the answer but idk how to feel solid about it

anyway i saw one that was so cute it was like a bunch of pink hearts but its way too girthy. plus it was like $55 which is just. its probably normal for dildo prices that arent the microplastics shein ones but also like seriously. i might wait for if it goes on sale if i think ill like it after i try a smaller one. ill have to order it next week bc i wanna ship it to the post office so theres no chance my upstairs neighbour would get it by accident. but tbh ive experienced enough embarassing things that when i recall them i dont even get embarassed im just numb so i think if that happened itll just go in the numb pile or maybe funny pile.

now to the kinda sad part. how tf do i tell my family? ive always known that im gonna have to tell them sooner or later and id do it after im financially independent but this is the thing in my way that i was talking about. my family is not perfect or even close at all but idk. they kind of are all i got. yeah i have friends but nobody close enough to call in an emergency or whatever. and i feel a bit bad bc they have actually done a lot for me. like the shit before uni was whatever like thats what you do for family but everything they helped me with during uni, even though i hated it, i did need their help. i guess if i had other people to rely on i wouldn't have. but im a really fucking guarded person like i really dont like trusting people like that. at least with my family i believe they wouldn't screw me over bc of something petty. i moved halfway across the country so i could have the sort of privacy i wanted and seems like my mom knows that but i talked to her today and she was like maybe i could come visit in july and i was like alright i guess. but now im like wait so what happens if i start dating.

i actually really dislike that it seems like everyone in my family, extended and all, all of the sudden wants to hang out all the fucking time.

you know i bet they wouldn't even acknowledge it. in which case im not gonna acknowledge that they aren't acknowledging it. like ill just pretend they accept it. i need to make some queer friends here like actually

or maybe it isn't as big a deal as i think it is. i do live pretty far away. wtf are they gonna do from all the way over there lmao. nobody's gonna kill me over it. worst is i probably get disowned or cut off. or ill have to be the villain and cut them off. thatll be interesting

[griffinsmith]

Ok so i wrote some notes for another hc thingy for how Dr Jackall’s side of the Barkingham Palace dungeon happened, just a bit like on how he pulled it off (until he didnt). Its all pure headcanon and written in about 40 minutes without spell check so uh voila

- Ok lil more context 4 da jackall man. I’ve mentioned before that I hc him as the mechanical engineer of barkingham palace; he was hired to set up defenses for the palace because he is very skilled with mechanics n stuff so he got brought on board to basically be their repair guy along with creating some mechanical defense systems. And to his credit he was really good at his job! He put some fancy new stuff on the mechanical shizz of the palace and even made some automatons that stood sentry around the entrance of Barkingham. Eventually tho they were just replaced with normal dog guards and Jackall didn’t have all that much to do around the palace except do mindless little fixins like unclogging the toilets. You know, fun stuff

I’ll write another post about how I think his motives to make the mr hound potion came to be down the line bc I don’t wanna clutter this post up but anyway hc time for how he orchestrated the heist

Again this is purely headcanon and aint canon at all; I just wanted to write my interpretation of the dungeon all down somewhere  

- Barkingham palace classifies its inhabitants as either essential or inessential. Essential people there are like (of course) the queen and chief whip, along with the guards, so basically the queen and everyone directly around her. Inessential are all the people who do the other jobs, cooks, janitors, anyone else, and that means Jackall. Both kinds of staff live in Barkingam, since the inessential people still are needed daily (barkingham is tightly knit and theres not all that many people there compared to other places with royalty. Come on, its Marleybone, no one wants to work directly with royalty when they could just steal from them). If you aint essential staff, you get cleared out of the main hall every night and just go hang out in the far reaches of the state wing til your job starts again at the crack of dawn the next morning. SO that means that Jackall and all his nonessential coworkers have no access to the heart of Barkingham. That’s where Catrin Cheshire comes in.

- Dr jackall chose the night that everyone would be distracted with the opera singer Catrin Cheshire to finess the jewels away from the queen. Palace staff are informed of when the queen is being entertained by a certain person a few days in advance so Jackall had ample time to find Cheshire days before and bribe her into letting him sneak into the Main Hall of the palace while she was getting set up. Cheshire isn’t a criminal, but hey, 100 pound is 100 pound.  While she and her (real) opera squad were getting set up and distracted the guards, Jackall snuck in behind her with his hypnotizing automaton and got into the main hall.

- Jackall let lose with the noxious gas on everyone in the main hall and made sure to hit chief whip with a second dosage; don’t want anyone to throw a fuss when they notice the queens missing, after all. Speaking of the queen, she wasn’t hit with the gas very much, if it all. She was in the corner of the main room when jackall entered, so he just grabbed her out and kicked the automaton in, letting it roam around the hall while he hustled the queen to the elevator lift to the roof. The queen just goes with him since she thinks he’s just someone who works for her and who’s totally not plotting stuff.

- Around this time, he goes back into the state wing to cover his hide if anyone should try to stop him, which is why the player sees him in the state wing before he leaves to “inform sherlock about the opera sneak theif” where he really just goes to the rooftop again.

- By this point, the guards definitely know somethings wrong, and those that aren’t hypnotized are crowded around Sherlock and Watson in front of the palace. (Again, this is Marylebone. Crime runs rampant everywhere in this world. The guards are not the brightest and will easily leave a very vulnerable palace under attack if it means they can listen to the guy with the pipe talk about how he sent a twelve year old to stop the evil do-er.) 

- THIS allows the other people Jackall hired to sneak around them and make their way to the rooftops. (mr poole and mr utterson were hired by jackall with fat stacks of cash in exchange for them hanging out in the airship incase anyone tried to stop the queen-kidnapping) Mr Poole and Mr Utterson used the escape ladder seen in canon to get up to the roof and then airship while Margherita Vizzini just used her swords as ice picks and scaled the wall to get up. Utterson and Poole hoisted the queen into the airship, and Jackall was juusttt about to get into it himself when that pesky Young Wizard showed up again. 

- It was all going so well until they kept meddling, huh? Jackall fled to the airship after Margherita’s defeat, and tried his best to whoop the literal tween standing between him and the Queen’s jewels, but it didnt work out.

And that’s it for that. Sorry I know this isn’t super interesting but Ive been racking my brain all day long about how I thought the dungeon would play out from Jackalls side. Thanks if you read all the way through!

[1-800-i-ship-it]

khun modern bf headcanons?

Hmm oof i am probably not the best person to be asking this cause I dont write fics or anything but I’ll do my best

So i realized that i just wrote plot stuff but im posting anyway cause i spent way too long on this ahaha 

apologies in advance for typos that I'm too lazy to go through and correct

Enjoy the headcanons that i wrote later + plots that i originally wrote and went on a long tangent on oops

Headcanons:

Khun would be that subtle overprotective boyfriend 

He’d just kinda silently watch from afar but he’d totally kill anybody who hurt bam in any way, shape, or form

But he’d like be SUPER sweet with bam like

Pet names yall PET NAMES like khun and bam would prob both mutually melt when they call each other pet names

Khun would always help bam with hw and whatnot, let’s pretend bam’s a physics genius cause thats just how i imagine him in modern life, always has trouble with law class (he’s  taking it just for khun so he can understand what khun’s talking about) so khun helps him

Khun would be a super smooth talker, can woo a n y b o d y, exceptional at speeches, captain of speech and debate team

Khun would never admit he’s jealous but like the whole gang would know (except for bam who’s clueless as usual) 

Like bam is friendly with everybody so khun’d just be like ugh screw yall 

But then bam always confides in him and spends a crapload amt of time with him so he knows he’s just doubting himself and he’s mad at himself about it cause he knows bam is loyal to a fault and would never betray him

When bam gets older bam uses this against him hehe

Khun would also be that bf that everyones jealous of 

Everyone would want to be with khun but he only has eyes for bam

Ignores everybody else who hits on him

Side note i still stan top!bam and bottom!khun 

Khun would also be super thoughtful and goes out of his way to help make bam’s life easier whether its doing chores or smth etc, and each time bam smiles at him and expresses his gratitude khun’s heart would melt for the 1000th time

But like secretly khun really likes confident and sexy bam

They’d probably roleplay ngl (let ur imagination wonder~)

Khun would enjoy just spending time with bam :’) just cuddling and doing mundane things, they’d be super adorable together, hugs and kisses and ah just too cute-

Khun secretly likes bdsm and bam knows this 😏they switch roles from time to time, i cant decide who’s sub/dom

Khun would plan a super elaborate proposal to bam but then somehow bam would catch him off guard and then khun would just blurt it out when they’re together <3

Khun’d always be up early to cook for bam, they both morning ppl tho khun’s always sleep deprived bc hes also a night owl 

Khun is shy with pda in public but eventually he and bam decide they dont care anymore and just hold hands and act all lovey dovey to the point where shibisu cant decide if he’s a proud dad or if he wants to throw up, rak is always proud of his turtles, endorsi and hatz literally want to throw up all the time and would die before admitting that they secretly approve of khunbam

Khun is all around a model bf that i am sure half the fandom would be willing to date but im sorry guys khun’s taken cause he’s only got eyes for bam~

Plot things/idk what they’re called:

CEO!khun and intern!bam

Assassin!khun and assassin!bam who eventually get together and destroy the corrupt system

Gdi i thought of so many while having dinner but i forgot

Hmmmm

Imagine bam as jue viole grace like forced to work in a gang or smth and then khun as the gang boss 

I totally dont have a thing for badass assassin themed things pls dont judge me

Teacher!khun and student!bam (ofc it’d be near graduation if u get my drift...😏)

Idk why i thought of this but imagine idol khun o.o wait YO idol khun + assistant bam

Tutor!khun and student!bam 

I feel like im literally just saying the same ideas

Theres a reason why im not a fic writer :’)

High school sweethearts -> angst bc parents dont approve, sad forced breakup, no contact -> get back together when older after a time-lapse when they’re more mature, heated reunion 

Best friends bam and khun since preschool, since they were in the womb, PINING, both of them scared to admit it cause they dont want to ruin their friendship, meanwhile the entire gang is betting on them getting together (aka mainly rak and shibisu betting, hatz, endorsi, anaak, (insert s2 and s3 gang dont wanna spoil) everybody etc)

Uni students with khun as a law major and bam as a cs major (both geniuses, nerd bam), roommates *insert smirk* lots of pining, blushes from them casually changing in front of each other...the rest is up to ur imagination

Khun and bam as rival sports teams coaches 

Age gap!khunbam (not a lot, somewhere between 5-8 yrs), with bam as the younger one who kept saying that he loves khun but khun just laughs it off bc bams a kid but then khun sees bam after he comes back from college and bam gets a massive glowup from clueless cinnamon roll to clueless cinnamon roll hottie who only has the hots for khun (still) and then khuns all like “fuck” *dies inside*

Single dad khun, bam as a daycare employee who keeps getting flustered by khun, khun takes interest in bam bc he doesn’t ask nosy questions like other ppl, and bam has these mesmerizing golden eyes

Tailor/dry cleaner owner!bam and office worker!khun who constantly needs his clothes to be altered so they fit exactly how he wants them to (this eventually results in awkward moments and blushing), and also dry cleans like his countless number of suits and dress shirts and whatnot

Author!khun and publishing assistant!bam (is it even called publishing assistant honestly i have no idea but u get what i mean right), khun never signs books but bam convinces him to 

Poet!khun and uni student!bam as a literature major who’s a big fan and wanted to meet khun at one of his signings but is too shy even though shibisu drags him there, accidentally bumps into khun in the bathroom, is all flustered, ends up talking to khun for super long, khun loves bam’s enthusiasm for the subject, offers to give feedback on bam’s poems, bam is literally about to combust, they have lots of meetings and khun flirts with bam who’s clueless but blushes a lot anyway, they kiss *ahem* the rest is history

Spy!khun and bam, khun realizing he doesn’t want to hurt bam, sends fake info back to his country (ruled by eduan and jahad), eduan finds out (sent khun out in the first place bc khun was a threat to him cause the ppl liked khun better), sends out an assassin to get khun, who knows this and escapes with bam somewhere, some complicated plot taht idk how to figure out but you get the drift, eventually khun rules the country with bam

Real estate agent khun and contractor bam, eventually start their own business together

Khun as student pres, also known as the ice king bc he’s turned down dating everyone who asked, bam as the transfer student who catches his attention  (bam with more of a jue viole grace complex), the silent physics genius who is also on par with khun when debating in speech and debate club 

Khun and bam as besties, always do their hw together and hang out after class (cause bam always needs help haha), something leads to them fake dating, eventually real dating 😏

Khun and bam as besties, always do their hw together and hang out after class (cause bam always needs help haha), someone (rachel, DO NOT KILL ME I HAVE A REASON) asks bam out and he doesn't know how to say no (the rest of the gang egging him to date cause they know khuns gonna be jelly) khun goes and sulks, eventually bam gets hurt and manipulated by her, khun is pissed off, rachel is reported for abuse, khun and the gang fight for bam, khun is there for bam all the time, after a while bam asks khun out of the blue if khun likes him (shibisu let it slip that khun is gay bc god knows bam is oblivious af), khun is shocked but says yes bc he cant hide it anymore, bam says he always loved khun but thought khun was straight (bc of some dumb rumor someone said) which was why he ignored his feelings and agreed to date rachel bc he just wanted to distract himself, lots of cuddling thereafter, they get together, rak wins the bet for when khunbam will get together, khunbam gets married

oh man that became way longer than i expected...anon i hope u enjoyed that? half of it prob made 0 sense ngl and idek if i answered the q properly?

kudos to you if you actually read like all my rambling :’)

[pipsqueakparker]

2020 20 Q’s

thank you for tagging me @thehoneyedhufflepuff & @neck-mole!!!

1. Do you make your bed? very rarely. i make it when i do a Big Clean of my room, or like just feel like it. But,,, very rarely. 

2. Favorite number? 23

3. What’s your job? i work in logistics/processing for NYPL (and Brooklyn libraries) and i work a retail store that sells boxes and closets

4. If I could would I go back to school? i’m in library school rn and i only lowkey regret it. the thing is, i love learning, and i love being in classes, but fuck i hate school

5. Can you parallel park? that was like the one thing about the driver’s test i was really good at - i’m not confident i could actually do it today, but i did pass that section and did not fuck it up when i practiced (have not done it since said drivers test tho) 

6. A job people would be surprised I had? uh,,,, i worked an after school program for pre-k - 3rd grade - idk if y’all would be surprised at that, but i know a lot of people including my family and close friends were surprised when i applied/told them i got it bc i have a known history of not enjoying spending time with children (but i have a greater desire for money and it was a private school) 

7. Do you think Aliens are real? absolutely you can’t convince me they’re not

8. Can you drive a standard car? oui, i don’t get to often thanks to NYC but i can

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? watching trashy reality tv or tiktok/vine compilations on youtube? eating ice cream? (maybe that one’s just a regretful pleasure) 

10. Tattoos? i currently have seven. i have ‘cur non?’ on my right forearm, which was my first tattoo, and the result of a mixture of my Hamilton phase and a re-emerging love for the Marquis de Lafayette (who i had a thing for when i was a kid but totally forgot until i got obsessed with hamilton and remembered all the books i read about him lmao), on my left upper forearm i have a purple ribbon/butterfly (like, the ribbon is the body of the butterfly and it’s got lil wings) that i got the summer my mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer & its currently the only matching tat i have with anyone ‘cause my sister also got a ribbon tattoo that day, then right next to that right before sr year finals i got ‘you got this’ in my mum’s handwriting from a note she sent me right before finals sophomore year, on my left wrist i have a pill & and a milk carton with an x on it that were designed by my then-friend and that i thought were really cute ‘reminder tattoos’ ‘cause i have daily medication and had just found out i was lactose intolerant, on my left shoulder i have ‘if you’re not afraid you’re not alive’ in one of my best friend’s handwriting which is a quote from tuck everlasting, which was i think the first broadway show we saw together and really the first Show That She Loved that she got to share with me in that way, and most recently (aka two days ago) i got simon’s wings and tail on the outside of my right forearm, designed by @neck-mole & built on by my new favorite tattoo artist - uh, there’s a whole post on that if you wanna know all the meaning behind it lmao. and the next two immediate ones i know i wanna do: vampire teeth/mouth on my thigh (matching tat with my roommate) & my lifelong best friend’s initials somewhere on my body to honor her. ALSO, it didn’t ask for this but anï put it so i will, too, cause why not. i have my ears and my nose pierced (on the right side), and i used to have a monroe and i really miss it. 

11. Favorite color? green

12. Things people do that drive you crazy? exist? no, uh. i think just general ignorance really gets to me especially working retail, like customers that ask the absolutely dumbest shit and by that i mean “do you take this completely different store’s coupon?” or just generally not accepting what i tell them especially when they’re a-okay when one of my male co-workers comes over and says the exact same thing. but just. i don’t do well with people that are ignorant and just continue to be on purpose. also when people walk around you but then once they’re in front of you they’re so slow. and people that walk down or up the wrong side of the stairs - IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE JUST FUCKING KEEP TO THE RIGHT MY GUY. 

13. Any Phobias? hahahah. a lot. spiders, the dark (i’m getting a bit better with that one), snakes, escalators (i’ll deal and use them anyway ‘cause i’m lazy but my heart rate spikes) to name a few. 

14. Favorite childhood sport? uhm, i never really played sports? i did marching band in high school, which does count fucking fight me, but nothing before that. i always wanted to play soccer? but i’ve had this thing with my knee/calf my whole life so i never actually ended up playing except like in my friend’s backyard sometimes? 

15. Do you talk to yourself? oh, yeah, definitely. i will frequently direct it at something whether its my computer, baz, my cat, or whatever is nearby, but yeah. 

16. What movie do you adore? a lot. uhm, national treasure is unironically one of my all-time favorite movies, Hercules is a fucking bop and a half beginning to end and i watch it frequently, i love love Big Hero 6, honeslty the list goes on i love a lot of movies.

17. Do you like doing puzzles? yes!!! i don’t do them often, but i love puzzles!!! i used to do them all the time with my mamaw, ‘cause she often just had a table that we’d put it on and work on it when i was over and i love that shit. i want a puzzle table. 

18. Favorite type of music? lagjowa anything. i listen to anything from broadway musical soundtracks to alternative/emo/goth to R&B, if i vibe with it i like it yknow. which surprises a lot of people, ‘cause i think most frequently i do just fall to listening to a soundtrack or pop or something closer to the alt-pop side, but like honestly. theres not a lot that i’ll be like “nah, change it” 

19. Tea or coffee? coffee. i don’t drink either that often, but i really really don’t like tea. 

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? i think a vet. at some point i wanted to be a lawyer, yes because of legally blonde. and a teacher. 

uh and i’m probably supposed to tag 20 people but i’m just gonna tag a few and i’m not sure if they’ve been tagged but here we go: @icarus-n-flames @krisrix @warriorbeeofthesea @vkelleyart

[shedrewthe-hallelujah]

@elflady ok this a) got away from me, b) has like nothing to do with what you said and c) I’m not sure if I even agree with it. Also I thought this was about the nature of Lou’s love for Prior but its not. It is, like most of the rest of my brain, about Lou’s relationship with justice and his own crimes. again. I think the second bit is like… slightly more relevant? (Also. I’m not saying that Prior IS a pure embodiment of goodness and justice, I’m saying that to lovestruck Louis who runs everything in his sight through an internal filter to fit it into his moral compass, Prior is as good as it gets.) Anyway, incoherent 2am rambling ahead.

Prior as the embodiment of Lou’s ideals. (vs Joe as that negation) If Prior is his “goddess” (which I adore and am pretty much considering textual at this point), then it can be extrapolated that Prior comes as close to Lou’s ideals as a person can. Lou purports to value justice (the platform on which he builds his whole worldview basically. I think even Democracy In America supports this, if you allow that it isn’t 10000% just hot air.) above all else, (or at least textually its where his head is at 24/7, and that could be viewed as him pretty much preparing for some kind of cosmic trial or judgment from on high, but the way Prior acts around him “the point dear, the point” implies that he’s just…. like this). Not only does he position justice as the prism through which he views the world, but he views it as literally divine- “justice is god”. If Prior is justice, then Prior is the divine, or as close to the divine as Louis can bear to allow himself.

I feel like this shows up in the Bayeux Tapestry monologue to a certain extent (or maybe I’ve just been thinking about it since you posted it). He personifies Prior as this legend made flesh, almost a symbol of immortality, and then comes back around and says if he cannot live up to the myth I have carved around him, if he really is just flesh and spirit then I cannot deal with that. A goddess should, by definition, not die. “My beliefs are bullshit but heres this person, this good and true and divine person who loves me so that validates me and makes me whole. If his goodness doesn’t render him immortal then what am I.” He’s terrified. He cannot watch the best part of his life die because the view of the world that is left after is too terrifying.

So the idea of the death of Prior shakes his entire worldview at its core. The death of Prior represents the total collapse of the system. He has fused Prior (his foremost great love) with his view of moving “onward and upward, power to the people,” etc. (his other great love), and in 1986 he’s watching both of these things crumble and crack in front of him (the beach scene illustrates this a bit) so of course he can’t fucking take it. This could be a reach (and is arguably overly generous to Louis but) but theres an argument to be made that he basically cannot reconcile watching Prior die with his understanding of reality. They are incompatible. The death of Prior renders Justice obsolete. (I think that sentence is what I’ve been working towards for like 15 minutes.)

(note- that sacrifice doubles onto itself. If cutting ties preserves Louis’s understand of reality it also literally destroys his entire moral system. Like he loses his grip bc he built his character on morality and then shredded his own integrity)

Ok more to the point. I absolutely agree with everything you said, and I think it centers a bit on one of the more interesting sort of… thru lines of the play; although the whole thing plays a bit with reality, Priors experiences and mindset come across pretty consistently as the most visceral and grounded in truth. Specifically compared to Louis who is basically playing house with Joe and having pointless arguments and “sitting all day on cold park benches”, so much of his experiences in the play are an act of some kind. They often have a glossy veneer (Democracy in America) but they’re not TRUE, he’s acting, he has a shield up. Perhaps this is the only way he can function but it’s in stark contrast to Prior who has kind of come around to Truth=Survival, like, he absolutely has to deal with whats in front of him (the angel, loneliness, terror), or it will kill him. Louis has the option to continue to live in theory, Prior simply does not. It FEELS like these guiding principles of who they are can be used as a guide to their relationship, much as they change, it seems to fit them at the beginning as well.

This also doesn’t really interact with what you said except it’s totally right and I love it. Also “And also I suppose in very very basic terms. Louis values being guilty and kind, and he’s the guilt and Prior’s the kindness.” is my new favorite thought. It’s perfect.

Also, it turns out my thoughts on this can be found in this unedited note I wrote probably 3 years ago that oddly enough lines up pretty well.

As the Rabbi says in the first monologue Louis is not IN America. Prior is chosen by the American angel. He is an American prophet dying of an American political system and Louis is not in America, nor is he firmly on the clay of “some Litvak shtetl”. He is stranded somewhere else, floating without that identity. Moored somewhere between Jewish immigrant status and the refusal to really look at the world and his place within it bc he only looks at ideals from an external perspective (and his own guilt) . Prior also defined by his history. By immigrant ancestors. Defined by that rowboat. He exists in a constant state of waiting to be pitched into the ocean. By Lou? By god? But Priors rowboat is defined by movement and an ultimate destination. Death or America. Possibly both. Lou, by the nature of existing on a landmass suspended in time, has removed himself from the foreword motion of the story. Bc that motion is at its core defined by Prior and priors illness and Priors angel. And so for Lou to "save himself" he lifts himself out of the motion, he erases himself from the narrative. Prior is movement and progress towards.... life or death or god or angels. Lou is empty space.

LOU EXISTS EXCLUSIVELY IN THEORY. Not in reality. This is supported by... everything. “Up in the air, just like that angel, too far off the earth to pick out the details… Big Ideas are all you love” He's not in America he's not grounded he's theory, of the Bolsheviks etc. he can't handle reality and NOTHING is more of reality that Priors illness INCLUDING THE ANGEL. The angel exists in the complex visceral reality of Prior. And Lou simply cannot handle it.

[thegeminisage]

since i FINALLY finished the comic page im gonna make the poor choice of playing zelda ALL NIGHT get ready for The Longest Post which is full of Big Super Spoilers

since lynel thoroughly kicked my can last night i need defense food and preferably stronger weapons

i technically already had more than enough shock arrows to proceed but i wanna kill him!!!!

LMFAO I JUST COOKED SOMETHING THAT GIVES ME 21 EXTRA HEARTS...HOLY FUCK

okay but in all seriousness i only have like 3 defense things........

i guess i'll try it fuck i dont feel like scouring the world for ironshrooms rn

ok. slept on the bed to get my stamina wheel & 3 hearts, will use my 21 hearts when those run out, got 3 defense things for about 14m of defense, I Can Do This

really i wish i had a one-handed weapon, two-handers are so slow :/

well here we go again :|||

lol why does my heartrate always go up for shit like smh.....

getting better at dodging

ooh he hates my ice arrows

HAHAHA I MOUNTED HIM

maybe i can get a snapchat pic

YES i did i didn't attack him in that perfect moment but hey some thing are more important

NOOO FUCK I DIED

I FORGOT TO REFRESH MY DEFENSE ELIXIR BC I HAD GOTTEN UP AND FORGOT IT WAS ALMOST OUT

JESUS FUCK

im so fucking annoyed lmao i was so close

oh well at least now i can use that whole mount

aaand again

oh. im out of ice arrows.

YIKES i forgot to refresh my thing again just for a sec and almost died

YES i got a perfect dodge purely on accident NICE!!!!

i can see everything from shatterback point, even naydra, but im too scared to jump while the beast is down there

no yk what fuck it. im turning this paraglider around

first tho i really wanna wait to see if i can catch another rainbow...they were so pretty and i lost the other pics i took when i died ):

oh!!! there it is!!!!! and i was just about to give up

ah it last such a short time - but it comes at the same time every day, around 4:05

i'm sure it won;t appear here anymore after the divine beasts knocks it off with the water though, haha

okay.......time to dive

/saves first

AHAHAHA I DID IT

WOW THAT THING IS SO HUGE UP CLOSE BYE

i mean it didnt even move im just Scared. ok

duuude i gave the lynel pic to the lady and got swim pants?! FUCKING SICK where do i get a helm

okay time to go free the divine beast!!

haha wait i came out here without defense stuff. i didn't cook anymore

oh well yolo

or actually this is a game so i live as many times as i want #determination

i do still have some extra hearts left, and stamina, and some healing items, and even some electricity elixirs, sowow!! okay! still huge!!!!!

ah i love sidon so much

he tries so hard and he's so ready and he loves his people so dearly

i bet he's gonna die lol

if it's like, a sage thing, maybe he has to replace mipha if she really is gone

jesus please don't die sidon PLEASE

OH MY GOD I GET TO RIDE ON HIS BACK?

JFC THIS MUSIC IS SO COOL!!!! AAAAKDSHFGKLJ

OH MY GOD HE'S TALKING!!! IN THE FIGHT!!!!! IM CRYING THIS IS SO COOL SKDFHBG

oh my gos he's talking he's talking there's voice acting im literally dying i cant handle!!!!!! this!!!!!! i lvoe him so much

omg omg

dude that was SO cool

and link got to ride on his back and then say goodbye!!! and sidon BELIEVES in him!!!!!!!!!!

god i wish i had gotten the helm before i did this haha i looked up the location but i don't think i can back out now

MIPHA?

MIPHA IS TALKING TO ME??

I CAN HEAR MIPHA'S VOICE

I'M CRYING I KNEW SHE WAS STILL ALIVE

i feel like she's about to die like the old man like Move On but

to see her again!!!!!!! im so emotional

oh my god oh my god

no okay i can leave and i need a second too im gonna go get the helm

apparently theres a quest you can do that doesnt give you the helm but tells you where to find it? but i can do that later rn i just want complete armor

alright nice full set hell yeah

HOLY fuck i was paragliding back and i tried to paraglide over the divine beast and it fucking OBLITERATED ME jesus CHRIST

dude there are these absolutely freaky eyeball things you gotta shoot to get rid of gunk and the music gets all creepy near them lsdksjfgh

oh no i found the cockpit but it's all closed up...is her corpse in there? her ghost? oh my god it says the terminals are unactivated

i'll be honest im a BIT stuck here i hate to have to use a guide, but

NO wait oh my god my runes!!! dumbass

i can lift the bars lol

oh my god the CONTROLS are on???

I CAN MOVE IT?? HOLY SHIT

this map is fucking 3D a 3D map!!!! in the other games they were flat holy shit!!!!

i can even see it moving on the minimap!!! holy FUCK

LMAO i was trying to move this crank with stasis and all along i needed to use magnesis. jesus

uh the music got freaky as fuck after i did the first terminal??? no?? thank you????

LOL YOU GOTTA RIDE THE TRUNK oh my god. oh my god.jesus christ

i am so small. it is so big. oh my god

I FEEL UNSAFE!

who is the boss of this dungeon? there's gotta be a boss

don't tell me i fight it

or the undead mipha

jesus god

i have had to ride this trunk 3 times now and i am not at all comfortable

reminds me of the big windmill in mirror's edge

okay yep i did all the terminals and now the music is downright terrifying!!! nice good Okay

HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT BLUE LIGHT

MIPHA?

NOT MIPHA!!!

"my demise 100 years ago" is she Really gone

omg no mipahs talking to me as i fight!!!

im straight up gonna look up what to do im too weak and defense-potionless to do this the hard way

ooh motherfucker doesnt like my shock arrows and lynel bow ahaha

huh that was actually like SUPER easy compared to some of the other stuff i've done

eeeewwwwww

MIPHA? ARE YOU ALIVE OR DEAD IN THERE? oh god oh god

holy fuck

i straight up just cried

she's a spirit and i thought she was gonna like, move on? which is sad enough

but no she's hanging around to pilot the divine beast from the afterlife

she even talked to it i was so sad it's been her only companion for a century of course she fucking talks to it

and i was staying strong!!! i was!!!!!

but she talked about how she wished she could see her dad again and i cried lmao why does this game give me dad feels of all things

i hope she gets to see her dad one more time too i'm so sad she's really dead and not alive like link

jesus fuck

oooh dorephan's talking about the master sword...gimme gimme gimme!!!

aww he was nice to sidon as everyone should be!!!!

holy shit he's really big?? i didn't realize it but he's like twice link's height JESUS

man. i am fucking wrecked lol

time to...explore...the rest of the province...i guess

i got a trident but i can never use it bc it will break. it was mipha's!!!!

on the other hand all three pieces of armor, my shield, weapon, AND bow are all zora themed i took a pic of myself to remember it by lol bc they will all break

i wonder where i should go after this...?

my brother went up to death mountain but i kinda want to do something different so we have something to tell each other about

but i kinda want to do the same so we don't spoil each other

i also REALLY wanna do the southeastmost province for some reason, all that water

tbh tho im getting ahead of myself i still have lots of this left to cover

it's getting harder to tell where i've already been, haha - when the things had borders and there was less visible that was easier

ooooh mipha's ability brings me back from death and she speaks briefly to me ;_; and it's active again in 23 minutes nice!

so i guess each champion gives you a different one and you can chose which to have active but tbh this one seems like it's gonna be the most helpful already

aww i did a little quest in kakariko to root out a theif and i love the way they built up dorian's past that's so cool

i think i was supposed to be able to pick up that yiga dude's sword tho and it glitched on me bc i was too fast :/

ugh i'm doing this oen shrine puzzle where you have to mount a male deer

and i finally mounted one after losing 10000 times and it was past some hills it wouldn't climb down

every time i find one thats close enough they fucking bolt im so fed up :|

and my sheikah sensor isn't picking up any more so i must have literally scared away all of them. fantastic. what a huge waste of time!! guess i will go somewhere else!

also can't solve the puzzle on how to open the shrine at veiled falls so im just batting a thousand today so much for sidequesting tbqh

FOUND A BLUE MANED LYNEL

SO MUCH NOPE

urgh and a blue hinox

exploring might not be worth my time either tbh

yeah no that's two shrines i haven't been able to open and this has stopped being fun, got one more ridge to explore before im done with this province - and some weird islands waaaay out there too but idk if i can get to them yet, and i'd just as soon wait until i unlocked the one next to them

yyyeah looking at them from here it makes much more sense to explore them when i get to that province

at least im all done with this one!! still plenty of sidequests and stuff, but those i can come back t more easily...it's harder to remember which terrain i have and haven't covered when i don't do it like this

i was thinking about how big the divine beast was when i saw it in the distance and

this sounds nuts but i bet im right - what if that flying island thing is a divine beast. WHAT IF

and that is The Day's Liveblog, more tomorrow, except probably not much bc of stream

[mjeoppa]

a story i told my friends

it’s long so. also contains malay words, if need translation dont use google, ask me. Quick summary: im actually happy (???questionable) but its all rather bittersweet

Maybe a quick intro to the characters of the drama

Me:awkward but living Raja: someone i kinda grew close through wanting to go to the same places together, a smart girl who's understanding and talks a lot, went to an agama school so she has that conservative part of her Afiq: a guy who lives in my neighborhood who's like probably the good samaritan of our malaysian organization, hobbies include playing video games, watching anime and cooking Hakim: afiq's housemate, doesnt really talk to people much but likes to get involved, hobbies include creating short films

So, i met all 3 separately; raja, since she's in my batch, earlier on, in fact she actually flew to michigan with me halfway, then we had different flights. Afiq i met when he came over to my house once, then later he came by bc my housemates said he could help me put my table together, and even then we were chatting comfortably. Hakim i met on a bus home after orientation, and i recognized him immediately; the guys from damansara i saw in the malaysian organization yearbook. But i didnt say anything bc how would i know he's malaysian lol

So after awhile i became friends w raja and afiq, progressing quite well in the friendship statuses, both of them having common interests w me. Then i found out that they were close w each other too. By the end of the semester, it was pretty obvious that afiq has a thing for raja, by the way he treats her.

Hakim on the other hand i kept having accidental meet ups w on the bus, n i could only officially say i know him after the first mso (malaysian student organization) meeting, but after that i didnt have a chance to say a thing to him. But after that meeting, i could also officially say that i have a crush on this guy. Afiq had talked about him, my friend's housemate talked about him, n from what i learned this guy has a weird charm where he does the most unexpected things, or maybe bc hes so quiet no one really knows what hes thinking

Im close to one of my housemates (who has graduated last semester), kak tipah whom i confessed i have a thing for hakim, and she told me that he has a girlfriend 🙃this was rather early in the semester, so i ended up shuffling crushes a lot throughout, but ofc hakim was still my first crush, also my first heartbreak in michigan

Another one of my housemates, kak su, recruited me to join her for her winter break trip, and when she asked whom i think would wanna join, i suggested raja. Another person who was already in on the plan w kak su was a guy named mirza. At this point i knew nothing about him. There was a phase where i would continuously confirm w my housemates whom mirza is through pictures until i could officially recognize him myself

It was thanksgiving, or maybe a few days before when mirza finally confirmed that the fifth and final member of our trip is hakim (jeng jeng jeng). I was happy, but i had to remain calm. He has a girlfriend, after all.

Okay so winter trip. That was so freaking fun. Funny thing is that we were 5 random people w different backgrounds, and yet we managed to make it work. It was awkward in the beginning, but later we learned how each other worked and after a few forum sessions we were more open w each other. Yes i did get to know hakim, but i also got to know so much more about raja, and mirza is a person that i didnt expect when i first came here to be someone that would be cool w being friends w me.

The ridiculous thing is that it was very early in the trip that we established that both kak su and hakim werent available. I didnt know when it started, but hakim started to talk more, and i liked that he didnt mind sitting around me, he was comfortable w stuff like giving me food he couldnt finish and asking what i wanted to order (dinner is usually the time we could talk, otherwise we'd be in the car and we cant really have a one on one conversation)

Raja on the other hand couldnt stop talking

She asked weird questions, and at first it was just to me, but later i fell asleep a lot so she started asking mirza, and so it became a thing that when theyre bored they would be listening to raja's epiphanies about life

Somewhere in between the first and second week of the trip i was texting afiq a lot n he said "aku susah nak rapat dengan perempuan" so to prove to him how bad i am at making friends w guys i told him that he's the closest guy friend i ever had, so ever since that i guess we had this agreement that we were somewhat close friends and we can kinda tell each other stuff

And believe me, i tell afiq stuff i dont even tell raja

So anyway at first i was kinda happy, and we had fun talking bout stuff, but later i saw that he was chatting w raja, so i felt a bit suckish bc he said he was bad at making friends w girls, so was he just saying it for the sake of it?

So there was a time where we were staying at separate houses, the girls and boys, so we decided to go out to eat, and there wasnt anything else to do in tulsa anyway, so we sat and ate and talked for 3 hours. So i asked mirza when did he finally recognized me as "elyna" and he said actually the first time he heard of me was from afiq who told him that i knew a bunch of animes, and yea actually this was before i told him hes my closest guy friend but i just realized that this was when hakim started to talk to me more than usual

Hmm there were times when he says stuff that i was thinking, n i think i say stuff that hes thinking as well bc when it happens he kinda glanced at me weirdly in the beginning, later when weve talked to each other more we finally say things like "hey i was about to say the same thing" or something like that. Example: we were eating at a thai restaurant n the menu was kinda simple, and i was thinking to myself "ape lagi. Pad thai jela." Then mirza asked hakim what he was gonna order, and he literally said the exact same thing i was thinking. Once mirza asked for an extra bowl of rice (also a thai restaurant, but this was a lot later) and he was saying "mahal doh, 2 ringgit" then hakim asked "brape?" "2 ringgit" then i glanced at him and he glanced at me and i said "murah gak tu. 2 ringgit kalau dollar 50cent." Then we laughed and he said he was about to say the same thing.

Theres this thing during dinners that he does, starting from this gyro place, where he would want me to sit somewhere near him, like either across or next to him, probably so that he can crack jokes w me, but after awhile we ran out of things to say. So sometimes we kinda order similar things just bc. Im not sure. Sometimes he follows my lead, sometimes i follow his, then when what i wanna order is too far from what he wants he just orders wtv he wants. I guess later he realizes that im really bad at first orders haha my food always turns out not that good a dish.

Okay so if i go on and on about the trip this story will never end. Basically we had fun, for a bunch of awkwardly matched 5-some. Raja really liked opening forums and asked weird questions and one of em was what were their first thoughts of us, and hakim said that i came to his house several times to play video games so he thought he'd have that to talk about w me. Raja, he said talked way too much for his liking in the beginning, he said he would like his peace lmao. Both of them knew kak su beforehand so they didnt really think of anything. Thing is, raja actually felt hurt at hakim's comment, even tho it was evident that even if he didnt like all her talking, he wouldnt actually stop her from talking. Except there was a time we wanted to play a game in the car n he said "jom main game senyap, siape paling lama diam die menang" n we all laughed n we asked whats the prize n he said that person can get to talk for an hour n kak su said lets let hakim win so that he has to talk for an hour. I take too much time explaining details ugh.

So for the next day after that confession by hakim raja didnt talk to hakim at all. She literally asked everyone what their glasses power were except hakim. I laughed at him quietly in sympathy. But later she was okay w him again. Just that whenever he talked to her she would complain to me.

She also complained that hakim took a long time to follow raja back on instagram but for me it was on the same night. I said it was bc i followed him when i saw that he was on ig, but she said she saw him going on ig after she requested to follow him but he hadnt approved.

Also both raja and kak su knows i like hakim since before the trip.

It was in new orleans that i really felt like he was making me expect too much from him. He wanted to buy a hot dog for himself, but kak su n raja were sharing, n i didnt want one whole hot dog, so he ended up sharing w me, n he even followed me to the counter when i ordered, n it really made me happy, my heart was bursting, thats the only way i can explain it.

So after that everything was rather mediocre. I theorized a pattern in his ig picture liking in which he would like pictures i post that did not include myself in it, except one. After we got home i kinda felt that feeling of "so thats it?"

But it wasnt. My housemates were saying i couldnt move on, but it really wasnt something to move on from. 3 weeks of just them gave me a lifetime of memories. So when I went out w raja on the sunday before classes start, i guess i shouldnt have been surprised whem raja confessed that she has a crush on mirza.

She went on and on about how they had been talking ever since the morning after we arrived home, and all i could talk about was how i felt like hakim treated me like something more than just another girl, n raja said she saw it too, n i couldnt hold on to those feelings bc he has a gf.

Talking about his gf, throwback to new orleans, second night, 1am. It was just me, mirza and raja, n before mirza had mentioned that hakim's gf went to mirza's mrsm before he got there, so he kinda knew who she was, n he told us that night that the girl's previous boyfriend wasnt like hakim at all, so he was surprised. So me n raja were making all kinds of conclusions. Maybe hakim came into the picture right after mimi, the gf just broke up w her prev bf so she was more accepting of him. Maybe mirza didnt really like the girl. Maybe the circumstances of their relationship is not as it appears, but theyve been together for 3 years, and for 2 of those years hakim was in the states n she's back home, so who r we to say if their relationship is good or not? Speculation wasnt even decent, but we speculated anyway.

But yea semester started n in the first week the only time i saw hakim was through a snap of him sleeping in between classes. Raja was moving into our apartment, bc 2 of my housemates were graduating, so she was taking over one of the leases. When hakim found out he was like "alaa nnti jumpa raja dalam bas." N raja was half kidding when she said "okay la kalau jumpa dalam bas aku tak tegur kau".

On that sunday afiq was being real weird. He's close to one of my housemates, one that i havent revealed until now, kak sj, n i dont know if it has anything to do w her graduating. she was the one who told me to ask him to help w the table n she invited him over several times to cook w her. But he was asking me if i had classes he could join in n in the first week, i saw him every week day. We talked a lot about mso n classes n common interests. One day i was saying youre old afiq, and you havent even confessed to ur crush, whatre u gonna do? Then he told me that hes actually confessed to her, a month ago. I was so surprised. I mean, if it really was a month ago, it had to be someone from my batch, probably, n it couldnt have been anyone but raja? But i didnt wanna assume, so i offered a trade - my crush for yours. So he told me about confessing to raja, n i told him about hakim.

That night we talked on the phone for almost 2 hours about feelings and shit. I was pretty dumbfounded. He confessed to raja before the trip, and she kept that from me all the while, i know its probably not my business, but i wonder if she thought it was better that i didnt know? Bc she tells me almost everything about her life, n i tell her almost everything about mine, so why this secret?

I couldnt keep all this to myself. The night before kak tipah's flight home, i told her everything. She said that she shipped mirza w raja, n me w afiq. I told her that me n afiq cant be more than friends, especially not now. And imagine, im actually one of the last ones to know about this confession. Both of them must know that i felt left out? Kak tipah asked, if afiq suddenly told me he likes me, what would i do? I said i probably wouldnt accept him, bc i feel like im just the second option. Then she asked, what if he confessed to me, not raja? Then i said i probably wouldnt accept him immediately, but eventually.

I also felt that afiq's confession was off in timing- it was way too early. We hadnt been here for even 6 months, we barely know everyone in mso, u really couldnt expect her to have accepted him immediately. But later afiq did say that he didnt expect anything from her, he just wanted to know that he likes her. One of the things that we mentioned during the 2 hour talk was what was his previous girlfriends like, n he said him n his friends concluded that there were 3 main components in the girls he liked; 1. Wears glasses 2. Is introverted and 3. Has common interests w him. I was being so slick at not pointing out that all these descriptions fit me, but instead i avoided it by comparing it to raja, n she only wears glasses at night, is extremely extroverted, n common interests w her is very general.

But yea, he dropped out of the classes he was planning to take w me, but we still talked a lot about stuff, n two wednesdays ago i went to his house for fun, n it was hakim's turn to cook, n i think that was the third time this semester i saw him, n he invited me to eat and said "makanla, aku masak untuk kau kot" n it was a happy moment, even if i knew he was just kidding. Later all his housemates left me n afiq to our geeking out session.

The first time i saw him in the semester was during an mso gathering. We didnt talk. The second time i saw him, i didnt actually see him, altho he probably saw me. Raja had been complaining about meeting hakim on buses n being awkward about it, so one day I was helping raja move her stuff, n we were carrying big plastic bags of pillows onto a bus. Raja mentioned beforehand that she hopes she doesnt see any malaysians, n especially not hakim. The bus we got on was rather crowded, so me n raja had to sit separately. I wanted to sit at the back, but it was too much effort to squeeze in, so i just sat somewhere in the middle. When we were almost home, raja kept giving me signals, but i didnt get it. As soon as we got off, raja went all "DAH CAKAP DAH. MULUT AKU NI MASIN SANGAT." So hakim was on that bus, n i didnt even notice him, even after all my previous efforts to get on a bus w him, when i finally did i didnt even see him. I probably did, but i didnt recognize it was him. Raja kept complaining about it but i was just frustrated, so she ended up pissing me off.

Okay so one day i told him that i had a theory for why he likes raja, a girl who doesnt fit the usual description, n it was bc he didnt want to get broken hearted by girls who are as such again, so he opted for someone who's different, bc srsly his exgf treats him like they never came around to broke his heart so thats mean, but it was also a hint i was giving that he should probably stick to being friends w me so that he wont get broken hearted again, but he was all "hahahah you just made my day" and it was bittersweet

This whole thing is bittersweet- liking hakim is, too. Bc i feel like he's someone who treats me better than he treats raja, n that feels so good, even if it sounds mean, but when was the last time i ever felt like i was someone who was preferred over another girl?

Back to the story, things kinda got lost in between my own life of working and classes and doing design stuff for mso n never doing what they want me to do, so when raja suggested we made a batch gathering in our new house, i thought it was an awesome idea bc i havent hung out w kids in my batch for awhile now, n after having a short lunch w one of em the other day i realized that theyve been spending their time living their lives awesomely as well, n i kinda wanna hear all about it.

So yeaa after many discussions on when we should do it n whos free when we finally decided to do it last friday night. Thing is, that morning was my first shift ever, so right after i had to go buy stuff to replenish the household resources. when i was on my bus home, i saw afiq somewhere near the bus driver. I waved at him, hating to sit in front bc those r usually reserved seats n i dont like hesitating to stand up to offer an older person the seat, so i went all the way to the back w my bags of groceries n there he was, abdul hakim bin zazli.

When he saw me he asked "pegi meijer ke?" And i said yea and our conversation stopped there. I was wearing earphones, but he wasnt, but he was looking at his phone. Afiq messaged me "have fun" n i hated him. After awhile i noticed he wasnt really on his phone, he was just bored n that was his escapade, as usual, a habit of his ive noticed since the trip. So I wanted to make conversation, but when i called out "kim" he wasnt responding so i looked away, but suddenly he turned to me but i was already looking somewhere else, so he didnt say anything. He didnt say bye, but after walking a bit i noticed afiq turning around n grinning at the bus. I still hate him.

So that night was pretty awesome. Even most of the guys came. All the girls came. It was tiring having to make sure there was always food for the guests n that they werent bored, but everyone was pretty chill n i loved it. My batch is pretty awesome. I think one of the best feelings after thinking that u suck at befriending guys is having guys laugh at your jokes. intec guys sucked. period.

Saturday night. I was supposed to be studying for a monday exam. Suddenly afiq asked if i wanted to play left4dead2, which is a game we casually play together w sal, a chill sarawak girl who i have a friend crush on (she loves video games too n owns a ps4). We also managed to get mirza to play w us. After losing one round too many times, mirza quit n the cpu sort of saved our ass. It was 2am n we were still talking while doing our own shit. I have a feeling us 3 would make a pretty awesome trio.

Anyway i ended up being the last one sleeping bc i was editing jongup's bday video, but they all said they'd wanna come over to the ceramics studio to play clay from my wheel throwing class. So the next morning i told them it was pretty empty, so sal came n made an awesome mug for a first timer. She had fun. Afiq had a meeting so we met up w him for pizza after, then he came back to the studio w me bc he wanted to play w clay too. He told me that hakim brought the car to campus, so if i still had a lot of work to do n would probably miss the last bus at 5.30 i could ask him. So i did. He said he was going back at 10, n afiq didnt wanna go back that late, so he ended up have someone pick him up at 7. At 9, hakim was in front of the art building.

I keep forgetting to tell u guys that raja has met hakim on buses several times but he wouldnt talk to her, or like, he ignored her, which was something he did even to me before the trip, which is why when he talked to me first on friday, it felt great really. But raja hated it. She questioned it - why does hakim talk to me but not her? Why is he the only person she knows who wouldnt talk to her? I guess what she hated was his ego, but it also made it sound like she wants everyone on earth to love her, n i couldnt really stand that. But i didnt say a thing.

So when he initiates conversation during that what felt so short trip home, i was happy. As i described it to raja, it was a give n take. He would ask a question then talk n I would ask a question then talk n we were still cracking jokes when we were at the front door of my apartment. Unlike afiq who likes long goodbye n attachment, hakim's goodbyes were short n sweet, n i wonder why he's so chill w me, n some parts of me says that he probably thinks i have something going on w afiq, n i kinda hate that.

-tbc-

[thegeminisage]

a long fucking post (sorry)

bc my browser quit so i just copied it into notepad and kept going and didn’t break it up bc frankly i couldn’t be bothered lol i’ve #struggled today anyway:

i...i dont have any stuff to make spicy food with?? oh my god..........

where do i even...find

lol i could go back to the plateau but i’d probably be Sad.

i guess i have no choice :/

wow i miss the old man

pfft i can see farosh from here but it’s so close i’d never make it in time

SOMEDAY /shakes fist

seeking out shelter from a lightning storm inside the ruined temple of time makes me Very Sad

man. man. there’s nothing i wouldn’t do to set this right

except the main story, i guess, hahaha

OMG A RAINBOW

just for a short moment i didn’t even have time for a picture...wow wow wow

all right i’ve got enough peppers and i’ve had MORE than enough of the plateau im outta here

i fast traveled back to that one shrine i couldnt figure out before

i realize now i was probably supposed to use my paraglider hahaha but i just didnt think of it

theres a chest in here that i cannot. get. oh my god

[death montage]

GOT IT

lol and all that for a little sword

BACK TO THE MOUNTAINS thank god i have a fast travel point now

and that’s all done! time for more of The Story

normally i’d cut this off here but it’s p short so far so w/e

except.......idk where to go next. i know i want to find the zoras, but

which...direction are they. like, i even googled it

i’ll ask my brother and attempt the naked island again while i wait. i read somewhere you can drop your stuff before you properly set foot on there and it helps a bit. plus it’ll be something he hasn’t done, haha

well, so far so good - i managed to drop a few of my best items and a  small amount of food - apples and raw fish - before i stepped on, but i forgot to drink the defense up elixir. i DID remember to eat the extra hearts food, though, and a good thing, bc i came on during a fucking storm in the middle of the night and nearly got killed by some weird yellow octorok popping up out of the ground. fine now tho, all out of extra hearts but other than that good - found some shrooms, a sword, and an axe

oh my god i hit a barrel and DIED bc there was an electric chuchu in it!!!

okay trying again...in the storm again...forgot to drink my defense bonus again...Greay

one orb down!!

lol and i died AGAIN bc i underestimated a bokoblin...i can't take out camps from afar with no arrows!! maybe i can try bombs next time, sigh

i hate getting out to this island

i hate everything ABOUT this island. it is deisnged to kill you. endless skeletons and fire chuchus are great if you need materials and weapons but the chuchus set everything on fire. and there are octoroks ringing the whole island AND on the actual island - there's no safe ground ANYWHERE!!

remembered to drink my elixir but nearly left the stuff i dropped floating in the ocean lol

one orb down AGAIN. 

gotta be a smarter way to do this bokblin camp on the hill. i can't take them all on at once and i can't detonate any of the explosive from afar with arrows, and bombs get me noticed. i can't take that swarm of enemies with no armor. no way.

YES camp down lmao i blew up the barrels with my own bombs since the fucking chuchus noticed me anyway

now i can COOK THINGS thank you thank you

YES now i have hearts up and attack elixirs!!!!

time to fight the blue hinox (:

HAHAHA WOW MY HEARTRATE IS SO JACKED RN

he has so much defense even with my elixir ;_; im too afraid to get close enough for an attack

i wish i had a defense booster!!

NO oh god a lightning storm now of all times!!! no!!!!!!

I CANT EVEN CLIMB THE CLIFFS TO ESCAPE HIM IN THE RAIN

oh my god can he follow me into the water...?

wow it's lightning for the next three hours what the fuck?

aaah the music stopped..he's laying back down...i hope his fucking health doesnt refill

i tried using chuchu jelly to make explosions but they didnt hurt him, only my weapons did bc of my elixir...but im sooo afraid to get close to him, if he kills me i have to do ALL this again

i wanna wait the storm out before i fight him again but i get the feeling the storm was triggered by him waking up bc it's nonstop lightning on the little forecast thingy

god there's not even anywhere to take shelter i just have to pray i dont get struck

yeah it changed back to normal rain as soon as he started snoring...he BETTER not have his health back

NOPE HE DOESNT BUT I GOT UP CLOSE TO HIM TO HIT HIM AND I'M SO SCARED LMAO MY HEART IS POUNDING SO HARD IM SO STRESSED

at least it isnt storming

nooo i hid in the water again and he slept and some of his health came back )))): i am never gonna get him, this is gonna take hours!

as if that wasnt bad enough there's another bokoblin camp with a MOBLIN on top of this big ledge

maybe i can get some arrows at least :/

good news: managed to cheese the bokoblin camp up top. have in my possesion 13 arrows. bad news: hinox is definitely back at full health rn

ok. so im up here where hinox can't actually go (i hope...) and i have my bombs and 13 arrows, plus all these extra bows and weapons and even a pot to cook some more stuff in. i can do this. i can do this.

ok he can't get up here he can't even hit me with projectiles but IMMEDIATELY the lightning started up again so lmao (:

luckily i have found the perfect position from which to roll bombs down at him lol

so this is only gonna take all year ASSUMING i dont get sturck by lightning.

no no no no no NO NO NO

the blood moon!!! why now!!! oh my god!!!!!! can ANYTHING go right oh my god!!!!!!!!!!

at least im far enough down on the ledge the camp up there cant see me

but i'll have to clear out the other one again if i ever manage to kill the hinox and get his orb

:| he keeps trying to go to sleep lol which. no bitch no more health for you jesus fuck

he can't get any of his rocks to land on me and only about every third bomb lands on him lol

his health is sooo low im so tempted to go down and take a swing w/ my weapon, but if i die now and lose all this progress i won't be able to deal so im gonna stay patient and cheese it til the bitter, bitter end

HAHAHAHAHA FINALLY

FUCKING EAT ME YOUR GARBAGE MONSTER GET W R E K T

I PERSEVERED!!!!!! STAYED DETERMINED okay now if not for the blood moon that'd be the end of it but no i gotta clean out that one camp AGAIN without dying

i can do this i can do this i can do this

i......i did it

all thats left is to drop my items and put in the last orb

oh my god!!!!

oh NO if you drop too many they start vanishing ok....choose carefully then

lol ALL THAT FOR A SHRINE TO SOLVE this better be one of those no-puzzle chest only deals

LMFAO i have to reclear the big camp to get in the shrine...oh my god...oh my god

ah well maybe i'll get some more shields i accidentally glitched all mine away

should be easy with all my stuff back

aaaand im stuck down here at the camp i cleared out bc its storming. at least the blue moblin got struck by lightning in a stroke of what i can only assume is divine justice

ok the storm has FINALLY passed

i am FINALLY inside the shrine and have a fast travel point

i got 300 rupees, which is garbage, and i got to watch that stupid monk turn to dust.

ooh whoa there's a rito out here!!!! hi!!!!!

lol a training course for flying...20 rupees a pop. now i know what the fucking chest was for. god.

ah i can't do the course and im so tired of failing at things...i guess i'll leave them for now altho i bet you get a SICK upgrade

no wait i looked it up and its just rupees LMAO no thanks

im never coming back to this fucking island ever again

also: forgot that i did not actually explore the sunken ruins earlier bc of Weather, am going to do that quickly before quitting

oh god oh no i landed right here and there's some fucking masked walking beast getting ready to attack me Why God

IT'S A CENTAUR I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMEONE WITH A HORSE IT'S CALLED LYNEL WHY WHY WHY

god okay we're doing this i guess jesus fuck

if that wasn't bad enough farosh is flying above us LMAO and i still can't shoot him

I! KILLED HIM! bc i had a DEFENSE elixir

i wish i had snapped a better pic than his dying body tho :/

o h w e l l

oh!! i found a memory while exploring!!!!!

HAHAH HOOOOOLY SHIT

oh my god...oh my god...

so it was the four pilots of the original jaegers and two are dudes and two are ladies!!! so there was an even mix in the scene #nice

the voice acting was good and still so unexpected

and the MUSIC oh i love the music when he's remembering something

it felt like a scene from any zelda game, but one near the end—except i'm still at the start

it's so similar to how everyone like, rallied behind link at the end of tp to help him beat ganon, but...this time we already know link failed

god!!!!! this is so good!!!!

every time i find myself thinking "this is an amazing game but it just doesn't feel much like zelda" it comes back and gets me

aaaaaah

and i found a shrine here!!! #nice

altho i'd really like to be done for the night lol

it was super easy thank goodness

omg no the dragon flying earlier must have been naydra bc there naydra is :'))) hey bud

ah and i ran into kass the accordian playing rito again ;w;

anyway now that im FINALLY done with this pronvince tomorrow i can go find the zoras!! yay!!!!

fun fact my very first username was "[not my name, some random one, not telling what it was] of the zoras" bc i love them so much